#tbh just realized something that makes me think it's 100% the right move

[moving-to-dreamwinged]

OKAY REMAKE IS HAPPENING SOON MAYBE NEXT WEEKISH💯💯

[jensthwa]

we can't be friends (CS x reader).

part of the love's an uncharted path universe ★.

SUMMARY:

San is your first love. He broke your heart and played with your feelings without even kissing you back when you two were in highschool. Now, many years later, you do your best to avoid crossing paths with him because there's just no way you could ever hate him, but there's also no way you two can be friends again. But his best friend is also one of your best friends, so there's only so much you can do to avoid San when he arranges a dinner you're forced to go to.

PAIRING: first love!choi san x afab reader.

GENRE: one shot (fluff, angst, smut)

WORD COUNT: 20k (yikes).

WARNINGS: SMUT ☽ (MINORS DNI) attempt !!! at comedy, unnecesary pinning, a looot of context, bad friends :(, some arguing, tension, drinking and drunk behavior, tears, making out, description of female anatomy, oral (f reciving), fingering, love making, pet names (babe, baby), flirty seonghwa, wooyoung being a little shit again but also a genius, gyuri almost commiting a crime.

NOTES: hi everyone! this is a lenghty one, i know, but trust me when I say the context is necessary to understand what reader goes through with san. also, some of this may or may not have happened to me (have fun figuring out which part) (it's quite obvious tbh). THIS IS PART OF THE SHOW AND TELL UNIVERSE BUT CAN BE READ AS A STAND ALONE, even though there's some references and characters that you can only know if you read s&t lol. this is 100% self indulgent, as all fics should be, and i think i've re-read it so many times that if you find a typo or something that just doesn't make sense, you can blame it on english not being my first language i guess lmao. i hope you enjoy it and if you do feel free to send/reblog/type in any feedback or thoughts! <3

POSTED: august 06 2024.

permanent taglist: @hotteokkay, @potatomountain, @fairylover68

masterlist.

You and Choi San go way back. 

Well, it's nine years way back? You were only fourteen when you first saw him. 

He moved back to your area of the city a year after you moved from an entirely different one. You thought you knew every school secret there ever was, provided by your new best friend, Gyuri, but she didn't tell you about him at all. 

She claimed that it was because he didn't cause any stir the years they studied together before and after spending a whole first period in your eighth grade classroom with him at the back of the class, silently taking notes, you couldn't phantom why.

He was great at every subject, seemed to have a lot of popular friends and was, overall, a pretty nice guy. He was also very cute, skinny but you could tell he was the kind of guy who played a sport outside of school hours and he had a cute pair of dimples that showed everytime you scanned the classroom just to lay eyes on him. 

Choi San was a perfect boy to crush on, even a perfect guy just to have as eye candy during recess. You felt really strongly about him, not really forming a full opinion although your gut told you right away you were right. There was something about him… but you only figured that something until later, next year, starting your ninth grade. 

Gyuri and you were avid readers. Precocious girls, with minds way above your age. All your teachers praised came laced with the same compliment so you both decided that was the truth. You rejoiced in it, thinking you shared things in common with the grown ups and decided that that was the key to feeling a little superior in comparison to the rest of your classmates, who neither of you liked very much. 

Until they all decided to start dating each other and you two realized you were nothing but two kids with great imaginations and a love for school, praise and fictional men that couldn't be translated to the real world without sounding delusional and weird. 

So you decided to do something about it. And so, on a random Tuesday recess, you two scanned the crowd trying to find two boys (or a boy and a girl, because you always knew you liked girls too) worthy of your affections. One for her, one for you. Bonus points if the two of them were also best friends, of course. 

Double dates were all the buzz at the time anyways. 

Besides, only then they could understand the bond you and Gyuri had. Sisterhood like no other, nevermind Gyuri actually had an older sister and a niece at the ripe age of fifteen. 

And so when your index finger scanned the crowd and eliminated at least three potential crushes before landing on Choi San, you felt like it was meant to be. 

You see, his best friend, Jung Wooyoung, was perfect for Gyuri to crush on. He was almost as tall as she was at the time and his easy, outgoing personality was compatible with her book crush at the time as well. 

He also flirted with her on several occasions before that. 

So it was meant to be. 

Choi San, on the other hand, had never even glanced in your direction before. 

Just like your book crush did before he fell in love with the main character. 

See? Meant. To. Be. 

It was decided then that, although Choi San was not going to be your first crush ever, he was going to be the guy that motivated you to be at school for the time being, because math gets really boring after trying and failing at least ten times. 

You thought nothing of it when it felt a little forced, when you couldn't blush at all at the sight of him and you gathered that it didn't need to happen like in the books you read. You simply needed to say his name when someone asked you if you had a crush on anyone and that was enough to be in symphony with the rest of your classmates. 

Your longing glances were caught once or twice by him and you brushed the weird flip your stomach did everytime he looked away, blushing a little. You never really cared when it happened, really, knowing his crowd and your crowd (Gyuri and you) would never even cross paths in the first place. 

You two kept to yourselves and your little book unofficial book club, sitting on the floor at lunch time and cursing everyone who dared to call you weird for it. San and Wooyoung had a crowd of people at the loudest table laughing with them over stupid teen jokes and, uh, sports? You didn't even know. 

And then the unimaginable happened. 

Jung Wooyoung sat down, criss cross applesauce and everything, in front of you on a random Monday afternoon while you and Gyuri discussed the english assignment due next period. 

Gyuri was not too excited about that. 

Turns out, the only one excited to have a crush at school was you. She was very much still in the Lonely Hearts Club phase while you skipped all the way to your The Notebook phase and she was, in her own words, too afraid to admit it when you came up with your crush plan. 

You forgave her, of course, and decided to wait for her as long as needed because you were certainly not about to be an individual and have a crush on your own. 

And by the time Wooyoung smiled at you both and introduced himself to you, like you weren't in the same class for a year already, you thought your pretend crush on his best friend evaporated and joined the void superficial and fleeting interests you had. 

But then Choi San sat beside him, his knee brushing against yours in the process, and you knew you would have to issue a formal apology to your best and only friend for leaving her behind on this little thing. 

Because, oh boy, were you crushing on Choi San. 

You felt the blush rush to your cheeks and then fell silent while your friend and his friend discussed Fifty Shades of Grey for some reason you never cared enough to discover and you knew you were done for.

It was the first time seeing his dimples in full action, so close to you, so you completely stopped functioning all together. Amazing. 

When you decided to have a crush, you never took into account that you were, actually, quite shy. And he really wasn't, but you noticed that he knew when to talk and what to say and with your friend being a lot more outgoing that you were it gave you the comfort that she would speak for the both of you while you admired from the sidelines as your little duo became a group of friends you still miss deeply to this day. 

He was funny and you laughed at your jokes even though you pretended to be tired and completely worn out by the school day, resting your head on Gyuri’s shoulder and stealing glances at the boy while she kept arguing with his best friend. 

Wooyoung was popular and liked enough to have a few people sit with you later that week, people who never even knew you existed before that. They were good friends with San as well, so you tried your best to keep up with everyone until she sat down next to you one day. 

Arin was not really a bad person. She just was a bit conceited, calling herself princess type of conceited and you never really related to her even if she was nice to you to your face. She was absolutely gorgeous and, you found out with Wooyoung’s arm around your shoulder and a whisper to your ear, she had been San’s crush since they were both in elementary school. 

That would explain the sudden tension at the table when she sat down next to you, said hello to everyone, offered you a sweet she just bought from the cafeteria, and stared at San for the remainder of lunch time. 

You also noticed Wooyoung glaring at her a little and he later explained to you that he didn't really like her all that much. She loved attention and San gave her attention, so she would intentionally flirt with him to get her ego stroked in return. 

It didn't really matter how he felt about the girl, though, he didn't have to like her just because his best friend did. And when you caught her batting her eyelashes at San, you knew you didn't even stand a chance.

You tried to hide the disappointed look on your face but both Gyuri and Wooyoung looked at you while the two of them flirted endlessly for the remainder of lunch time and you figured you were doing a pretty shitty job at it. He didn't glance at you once either way, so it didn't really matter. 

Arin did but she just complimented your eyes and then started a conversation with someone across the table, her annoying sweet and fake voice making your right ear ring in disapproval. 

Either way, you ended up becoming her friend. Gyuri was not very fond of her and neither were you, but you all went to the bathroom together, did your makeup together, did school projects together and then sat everyday at lunch together with the rest of the guys who were, in one way or another, trying to get her to like them. 

Because, once again, she was a sight for sore eyes. 

It wasn't until later, in the middle of the year, that one of them did. Not Choi San, but Choi Yeonjun. 

You remember the day you found out they were together and the gut wrenching concern you felt when you found out that San was not at school that day. 

It was after summer break, you remember Wooyoung telling you that San and his family took a few more days of vacation and if you couldn't believe your eyes when you saw the new couple sharing a sweet kiss at the designated lunch table, you could only imagine how San felt the next day when he saw the same image right in front of him. 

Yeonjun was his friend, right? He knew about his crush and decided to get together with her anyways. Surely, San was devastated. 

But he wasn't. He just cheered them on and then laughed along when Yeonjun shoved his arm playfully after the hollering. 

But you saw through it. 

Your crush on San made you observant. Made you believe you knew him better than everyone else and so, after lunch, you took out your phone and pulled up the notes app. Writing a simple “are you okay?” in it and passing it to him the next second, you were surprised with yourself before you saw him frown a bit. And then he understood what you meant. 

Nodding, he passed you the phone back, before giving you a reassuring smile that you treasured in your heart and saw in your dreams. 

You didn't believe him, though, but stayed close enough to everything related to the situation to hold Arin in your arms when Yeonjun inevitably broke her heart. 

Starting your tenth year, he moved back to his city and decided to play the I thought we weren't even that serious card on her. Which was nasty, considering love it's very, very serious for a sixteen year old girl. 

By this point, you were all a little family and hanging out after school and on the weekends was not unusual, so it didn't surprise you when Arin invited you, and only you, to her house after choir practice on a Thursday. 

She lent you her older sister’s clothes to wear (because her's would never fit you. Her words, not yours) and took you to a walk in the park just to break your heart for the first time ever. 

“You know… I thought love was something I couldn't find in highschool anymore. But San it's really making an effort, you know? He's been there for me ever since Yeonjun left and… Well, I think he's going to ask me to be his girlfriend tomorrow.” 

Grasping the park bench she forced you to sit at, you only nodded and let out a shuddering breath that gave away what she was trying to figure out since earlier that day. 

“I'll say yes but only if you say it's okay to do so.” 

Arin was not really your friend, the same way Yeonjun was not really San’s friend. 

Because there's no way you would ever be okay with it. 

And yet, you tried your best to give her a smile and pretend the sound of your heart breaking didn't bring tears to your eyes “Of course it's okay. Why wouldn't it be?” 

A week later, they were officially dating. The rumors spread around like a wildfire and it took out of you with everyone calling San a nasty rebound and you doing your best to prioritize the ghost of the friendship you had with him. That whole fiasco lasted a few months. 

Months in which your friendship with everyone just grew stronger. Gyuri was still your best friend, Wooyoung was crushing on her hard and everyone knew, Arin and San were a steady couple, a new girl joined your class that year, named Yeri, and the principal assigned her to you because she thought you two would get along really well. 

“I like girls,” was like, the third thing she ever told you while you were showing her the school “I'm just telling you now because I don't plan on hiding it and you are wearing a pride pin.” 

“Oh, that's cool. I like girls too,” you smiled, looking at your pride pin “I didn't hide it either and no one gave me shit about it, so, don't worry.” 

Yeri also liked the mainstream music that you liked and soon she became a new addition to your group. And with Arin spending all of her free time with San, you, Gyuri and Yeri only grew closer and closer. You didn't have Arin’s voice in your ear telling you the million reasons she found Yeri uncool, but you saw it in her face every time the table laughed at one of Yeri’s jokes. 

And so, it went on for a while: 

Your mom driving all of you around in her car to the beach, to dinner, to the movies and letting you have mixed sleepovers at your house (meaning you, Arin, Gyuri, Wooyoung, Yeri and San) was fun and all, but it was not enough to distract yourself entirely. Everytime you glanced at the couple, that sinking feeling in your chest would appear and sulk your whole mood for, at least, fifteen minutes.  

Fifteen minutes of pretending you were okay with them before forgetting completely for an hour or so and then the cycle would repeat until you were alone staring at the ceiling and doing your best to not cry about it.

All it took was your first kiss being Yeri of all people for you to decide that it was time to retire your crush for Choi San once and for all. 

And for a while, it all went according to plan. You decided to tell Gyuri that it was okay because he was your friend first and the guy that you liked second and that you were not fourteen and desperate for love anymore, that it was time to go on with your life as if nothing really happened in the first place. 

You were hooking up with Yeri anyways, so it seemed like you were doing just fine. 

You grew closer to San as well and even though he mostly talked to you about Arin and whatever tantrum she was throwing at the time, you really started to feel some sense of normalcy within you when it came to just speaking to him. 

You no longer blushed when he made you laugh, you no longer looked at him with the longing of a past life lover and you were really happy for him because, at the end of the day, he was really happy with his relationship. 

Until winter break came around and Arin decided to give San his first heartbreak ever. 

She decided to call for a break in their relationship because she was, in his words, too overwhelmed with the amount of love and attention she was getting from him. 

Which was completely fucking insane considering the fact she forced him to save her contact as Princess Arin and all. 

So naturally, you sided with him. And she didn't take it to heart because everyone knew you liked San anyways. 

She told you the news herself through Facebook after asking you to explain to her the English assignment due next day and then she decided to tell you something you'll never understand because you no longer are on speaking terms with her: 

Princess Arin: u know i broke up with him because of u right? :) 

Princess Arin: one day I'll tell u all abt it. 

She never told you anything about it. And by then, you were starting your last year and San was your best friend who hung out with you everyday after school, calling you late at night and helping you with assignments through Skype. So you didn't really care. 

And as the day passed, you started understanding the connection they talked about in books and movies. You thought you did before, Gyuri being your eternal person in this world, but it felt so different with San. 

Different and good. Different and achy enough for you to want to keep it in your life. 

Your dynamic was friendly, sure, but it was alright. It consisted of banter and daring stares as well as laughter and soft moments you treasured till this day. 

“It's way too early to be this annoying, Choi San.” 

“Oh, you think this is me being annoying?”

You both got an hour of detention for disturbing the class that day. 

You loved it. 

But then, after almost a month of picking up the broken pieces of his heart one by one, and your mother giving him a self-help book to make him regain the confidence he lost during the breakup process, you realized that you were in love with him and there was nothing you could do about that. 

You noticed one friday afternoon, when he offered to pay for your and your mom's ice cream at the drive through, when he scrambled to get all the change he had on him to leave a tip for the person who handed you guys the sweet treat, that there was no way you didn't love him. 

And it was confusing as fuck when everyone else started to tell you he had feelings for you as well. 

“Think about it. You text each other good morning everyday” Yeri listed with her finger and you nodded “Then, you go to school, sit together and spend the rest of the day together” another nod “Then after school you either go get ice cream together or hang out for a bit with your mom while she drives him home. And after that, you get on Skype for the reminder of the afternoon and then he calls you on your house phone and you two spend the rest of the night talking before falling asleep on the line together,” she looked at you like you were insane for even denying the accusations made against San, but she continued anyway “And then it's rinse and repeat and it has been that way since… What? Three months ago?” 

You nodded again, defeated. 

“Girl, he likes you.” she sighed, annoyed and a little tired, before sitting on your lap and kissing your lips affectionately “And you're here making out with me instead of him. You really are a lost cause.”

That didn't stop you from hooking up with her until she found a girl who's heart was not reserved for someone else, though. Said girl went to a different school and was a year younger than all of you, but she looked very happy and stopped secretly kissing you in the school bathroom like a week after they met. 

And when she finally told everyone, you were really happy for her, but San not so much. 

It was the night you thought everything was about to change. The night you thought he was about to kiss you or you were about to kiss him, whatever happened first. 

Laying in your bed, facing each other in the dim light, he thought it was the biggest form of betrayal and pouted the whole time he explained to you why. 

He thought you liked her and you realized he didn't really pay attention to you after all. Not the way you did with him. 

Bless his heart. 

You didn't kiss him that night because he wouldn't shut up about you and Yeri. 

“I mean, why couldn't it be you? She clearly liked you if you two were hooking up for over a year” and when his hand came to rest on your back, under your shirt, you breath hitched enough for him to notice it but not enough for him to just don't do anything about it except trace the curve of your silhouette with the pad of his thumb “I don't understand why anyone would pass the opportunity to be with you.” 

Huh. Maybe he did have feelings for you. 

No. He's just being a great best friend. Don't take that for granted. 

But it was impossible for you not to take Yeri’s words seriously as time went on. 

You didn't want to think he was giving you mixed signals, but yet again there was that one time when you reached behind your passenger seat in your mothers car to pinch his leg playfully after he pulled on your hair a little bit from behind, only to end up holding his hand the rest of the car trip to his house. 

His fingers slowly caressing the back of your hand were just too much for you not to get everything mixed up. 

Or that other time when your school held a Woman's Day event, and your class president decided that all the boys in the class were going to give roses to the girls.

When it was your turn to get a rose, you knew no one would give you one. But Yeri stood in line and collected a rose from the bin before the class president had the opportunity to say anything else. 

“I'll take that, thank you very much.” She turned to you, smiling. San blocked her way to you a second after. 

“And just what do you think you're doing?” 

“Giving my best girl a rose, of course.” She peeked around him, giving you a wink that you could only roll your eyes to. 

San turned to you, the fondness in his eyes making you question the decision of not pretending to be sick that day. It was too much for you to handle. 

“To the back of the line, then. I already called dibs on her,” he turned to your friend, snatching the rose from her hand in one swift move “I'll take that, thank you very much.” 

He had no idea what that meant to you back then. It was true that, at school, he behaved a little differently than when you two were alone. 

He was athletic, so he had some friends that you were sure used to ask him what the fuck was he doing wasting his time with a girl like you instead of getting a new girlfriend. 

He had a family that didn't approve of yours, too. You felt it the first time you met his mom and, even though she was nice to you and your mom, you could feel the judgemental stare she gave both of you when your mom told her she was a single parent. 

San told you that it didn't really matter, that his mom didn't have to like you because you weren't her friend, you were his. 

He played with your feelings a little too well. Wanting him, adoring him and letting yourself be consumed by the thought of him loving you back was enough to keep it going. To ignore the fluttering way your heart kept beating whenever he talked to you which was all the time. 

You assumed the way he behaved with you in private was the real him. The one who didn't care about appearances or his family approval. 

The one who cared about you. 

It was dizzying and fantastic and you thought he just might've been the love of your life. 

But then he would tell you how much it hurted when he saw Arin at school and how much he missed her, the intimacy they shared before, and reality would come crashing down and setting your delusions on fire again. 

He had sex with Arin. You would never stand a chance. 

Or so you thought he did. Except when you overheard Arin speaking to her friends and that was the first time you ever got mad at Choi San.

“And, you know, me and San were never intimate like that so I wouldn't know but I think boys have no idea how to please a woman if they tried to.” 

What? 

Oh. So he lied to you. 

And you were so upset by the thought of him making up stories of their intimate time together that it didn't even cross your mind that Arin might've been lying to save face. 

So when he came back from the bathroom and sat at his usual desk in front of you, you didn't even think about his feelings when you decided to treat him like shit for lying about something so important like sex to your face. 

“Leave me alone, San! I don't want to fucking talk to you right now!” 

The hurt expression he gave you after that is one you would never be able to forget. 

But you grew to be stubborn and a little overprotective of your own feelings, so you thought him playing the part of your best friend all these months and sweet talking to you was just another one of his lies. 

“You guys not being friends right now doesn't make any fucking sense, sweetheart.” Wooyoung's tone is careful and laced with affection, but you knew he was playing the devil's advocate on behalf of San. With his arm around Gyuri’s shoulder (by that point, they were a thing for over two months) you could swear you saw him smirk when the nickname brought a scowl to your face. 

He might've been worried, but he was also a little shit. 

“You really are going to let Arin ruin what you two have?” Your best friend was, of course, on your side. But she was your best friend for a reason and her love included pointing out when you were behaving like an infant at the age of seventeen and a half. 

“You two are practically dating and you're going to let the evil ex-girlfriend get in the way? Over something you weren't even supposed to hear in the first place? Come on.” 

Again, Wooyoung was a little shit. And you were so upset about everything that you shyness couldn't even help the fury behind your reply: 

“Stop saying that! We are not practically dating, he's in love with Arin and I'm not sure I even like him like that anymore!” Getting tired of everyone and their mother (your mother) feeding your delusions, you came to the conclusion that putting a stop to your friendship with Choi San was for the best. 

And, in doing so, you ended up breaking your own heart for the second time in your life. 

But he didn't put up an easy fight at all. You remember the feeling of pure joy when he grabbed your hand on the way to the cafeteria one day, pulling you so hard you almost ended up sitting in his lap, and the way his pleading eyes begged you to listen to him one last time. 

“Us not being friends doesn't feel right, Y/N…” he said and the word he used to categorize what both of you had hurted you, but you pushed the feeling away “Please, let's not fight anymore. I don't even know what happened, but I forgive you for yelling at me and I hope you forgive me for whatever it is you think I did.” 

Of course, you forgave him the next second without thinking too much about it. And for a while, everything went back to normal. You Skyped as usual and occasionally you let your other friends join the call even though it didn't really feel like it used to before. 

The next thing you knew, your feelings were in full bloom again and when you realized it, it was too late. 

Because by then, you had already let your childhood friend, Sunhee, join a few Skype calls and by the fourth one she invited her friend, Minseo, to them as well. 

Terrible, terrible mistake. Because even through the screen, you could see that Minseo looked a lot like Arin with the added bonus that she was down to earth and cool and liked the same things San liked.

You liked the same things San liked as well, but it never seemed to matter. 

Because not even two months after you decided to stop talking to San over a lie you weren't supposed to find out in the first place and then became friends one more time, he gets together with Minseo and you're sick to your stomach all over again. 

You hated her. Not because she was, suddenly, his girlfriend (not girlfriend girlfriend, but in a friends with benefits arrangement you never even knew why he agreed on in the first place) but because suddlenly she was so fucking obnoxious and didn't seem to like you either. 

Was it not painfully obvious San didn't have feelings for you? Why was she mad at you then? You literally brought them together! 

And all you got in return was her telling him she didn't feel comfortable with him having a girl best friend. That ungrateful bitch. 

He stopped calling. He stopped texting, he stopped carpooling with you and your mom after school and he stopped caring whether your math assignment was done or not. 

He stared pulling away more and more and it didn't matter how hard you tried to get him to talk to you, it seemed like he never really fucking cared about you in the first place. 

And by may that year, you didn't speak to San anymore. Granted, the only person he did speak to was Wooyoung, but even their friendship was falling apart. 

For the first time ever, San broke your heart firsthand. And it felt really, really fucking bad. 

You cried to your mom about it, she reminded you that you were nothing but a great friend to him and that, if he didn't take the time to appreciate that, that was his loss not yours. 

And she started hating him from that moment on. But you couldn't hate San, not even a little bit. 

Why would you hate him for not liking you back? For not loving you the way you loved hi— 

Your laptop closes down right in front of you and when you try to look up to find out who's responsible for interrupting your writing time, you get interrupted again. 

“Ouch! What the fuck, Gyuri?” the slap to the back of your head is quick and fill with rage. 

“What the fuck are you even writing. I can read from here, you know?” 

“I'm just laying my feelings down and— Ouch! Stop that!” You try to hit her back but she turns away quickly when your hands almost knock her coffee mug out of hers. 

“You can't possibly still have love for San, Y/N. It's been years.”

It's been four and a half, to be precise. But who's counting, right? 

“And why are you writing it in third person? You don't usually do that.” 

“I don't really know, Gyuri!” 

“I’m telling you, this celebratory dinner bullshit it's affecting you way more than it should,” she sighs, plopping down on the couch of your shared living room, and you leave your seat at the table to join her “He might not even show up. He has that thing with Kyungmi.” 

Kyungmi. 

You couldn't get to that part on your open document, but San left Minseo when he met Kyungmi at one of the frat parties they love to attend. Wooyoung told you that he said that it was love at first sight and you even met her briefly when you picked Gyuri up from the apartment he and San got when they started college together. 

She’s gorgeous and doesn't look like Arin or Minseo at all. It’s a different type of gorgeous. She's a year older than San and went to the same school as them and Gyuri. 

You think you might even like her better than him. 

You tried to be happy for San when you found out, but you two barely even speak a word to each other and you convinced yourself a while ago that you couldn't care less if he sees right through you and your fake smiles. 

You gathered, after everything happened, that San knew you liked him and took advantage of that. Unintentionally, but he did anyway. 

You sigh, resting your head on your best friend's shoulder. “It’s his best friend's celebratory dinner, though, he needs to be there.” 

Two seconds pass and then you both say it at the same time: “He’s in love.” 

And when San is in love, he has a one track mind with the name of his lover as the goal. 

You nod, but you can't help but to be insistent “It's Wooyoung's celebratory dinner, he needs to show up, right?” 

“I might not even show up, he's a pain in the ass.” She replies but you can tell her annoyance is not genuine and it makes you smile. 

Gyuri and Wooyoung broke up towards the end of your first year of college but you all stayed close friends. A one year relationship was not enough to fuck up the friendship they had and they decided to stay civil until, eventually, they became close friends again. 

To this day, you wonder why you and San couldn't rekindle your friendship when it became clear to you that you missed your friend and not the guy that you liked. 

Because San was always your friend first and your first love second. 

But it doesn't really matter anymore, because Gyuri is forcing you to shower and reminding you that you two need to keep Wooyoung on his best behavior tonight. 

“That girl he used to like before me is going, he said. I looked her up, she's single and he needs to get together with her because I can't take him whining about it anymore.” 

They keep things with each other way too civil, you think. 

“I'm telling you, if we don't show up he's going to do that thing where he gets drunk and makes a fool of himself. I can't have that, I'm on a mission.” 

“A mission to get your ex laid?” You ask, shampooing your hair. 

“A mission to get him a girlfriend so he can stop crying to me about feeling lonely.” 

“Maybe he wants you guys to—” The shower curtain opens and you see your best friend’s scowl before covering yourself up with your hands. 

“Gyuri!”

“Don't you dare say what you were about to say or I'm divorcing you.” 

You chuckle “Sure you are.”

You're left alone again with the water stream and she goes back to do her makeup “I told you back in ninth grade that we weren't a great fit and I was right. We can't get back together,” she sighs “It'll ruin everything.” 

“I doubt it will but you guys have been friends longer than you were boyfriend and girlfriend, so I'll just have to deal with my parents being divorced and civil.” 

“God, don't ever refer to us like that again— Oh! Speaking of parents,” you see her beam at her phone when you move the shower curtain to search for your towel and then she shows it to you “Mingi and Love just celebrated their one year anniversary!” 

Love being Mingi’s best friend. Gyuri talks to you about her college friend group all the time. The drama fuels your dinner conversations, you even follow a few of them on social media. 

“What does that have to do with parents?”

“They're the mom and dad of the group.” 

San is in that friend group, you can see him in the back of the picture and you recognize his apartment layout too. He's not the main focus of it but he's all you can see until you notice the couple sitting near him on the couch. 

The picture shows both of them, her in his lap and Mingi looking at her with stars in his eyes. 

Good for them. 

“Is that the girl he was friends with forever before they finally realized that they were in love?” 

“Yeah,” she sighs in contempt, looking down at the picture again “I was there the day it happened. I mean, not physically with them, but they left Yunho's party together and I told Wooyoung that it was finally about to happen!”

Gyuri is not a romantic person at all. Her excitement shows you that she really loves them and so you soften at the news that would usually give you and your dry love life a headache “It was the day before you called me to get you out of that awful date.” 

Ah, that also happened back then. You shudder at the memory.

“Tell them I say congrats, babe.” 

“I'm bringing you as my plus one.” 

You laugh, confused “To where?” 

“Their wedding, duh.” 

“They practically just got together,” you remind her, a year is not enough time to propose “And I don't really know them, Gyuri!” 

“They love you,” she assures you as you step out of the shower “I have been speaking about your antisocial ass for years. They can't wait to meet you.” 

“So you've been shit talking behind my back for years? Is that what I'm hearing?” 

She laughs “No, babe, that's Wooyoung's job.” 

Clearing your throat and looking at your friend through the mirror, you try to be as nonchalant as you can when you ask: “Has he… Did he tell you if…” 

“No, Y/N, I have no clue if San is going or not and Wooyoung is actually mad at him at the moment.” 

“Why?” 

She looks at you, sighing “He's been lacking as a friend lately.” 

“Hm.” 

“I hope you're not planning on swooning if you see him. Fuck him, Y/N.” 

“I know…” 

“And by fuck him I mean he doesn't deserve you or your forgiveness.” 

“He didn't do anything to me, Gyuri,” you remind her, shrugging “Not reciprocating my feelings is not a crime so I don't have to forgive him for anything.” 

You can practically feel her starting the San hate train engine, so you step out of the bathroom but her voice follows you. 

“And what about that time he ditched you for Minseo when you asked him to go with you to that medical appointment, huh?” 

“Cut it out, Gyuri…” 

But her head peaks around the corner, into the hall where you're rushing towards your room “Or that time when—” 

“Can't hear you!” Turning to look at her, she gives you an affectionate middle finger and heads back to the bathroom.

Closing the door, you lean into the thin wood and sigh, getting San’s face out of your mind so you can focus on getting ready and actually show up for Wooyoung and Wooyoung only. 

He just got a permanent position after completing his internship at a company that's your company's rival. He's going to crush you and steal clients from you but you are genuinely so happy for him. 

You should've guessed he enjoyed books as much as you did back in highschool. The debates he used to have with Gyuri were not all about flirting with her but also because he has a passion for books. 

And now he's going to work in the same field as you.

You're so proud of your friend. 

As you get ready, you remember the excitement cruising through your body when your boss trusted you enough to give you the first manuscript of a new client so you could edit it. You're sure Wooyoung is going to do better than you, taking into account that he actually went to college for this. 

You didn't. 

You met your boss at the part-time job you got in senior year, when you were trying to distract yourself from all the pain and the horrors of becoming a grown up. She was chatty, got a little too drunk on soju and told you she was starting her own book publishing company. 

When she returned months later after remembering that you told her you loved books and would love to work for as a publisher one day, she offered you a job in her company right after graduating highschool. 

You took it because you didn't think an opportunity like this would show up ever again. 

She was truly a blessing, the kind of person you never really believed in until she taught you all you needed to know about publishing and editing and encouraged you to take online classes during the nights so you could get, at least, a certification on what you do. 

You're proud of yourself too. The opportunity found you in a specific moment of your life where both your heart and your self esteem were destroyed and now you're not the person you used to be. 

Maybe that's why the possibility of facing San makes you so nervous. Collective memories are dangerous because the details never match the ones on the other person's head. 

You know who you were back then but… Are you the same person in San’s head? 

You don't even want to find out. 

Scanning your outfit in the mirror for the last time, you take the shoes you're wearing tonight out of your closet and walk over to the living room. 

Only to find Gyuri laying on the carpet under the coffee table, half dressed and on her phone. 

“You're going to mess up your hair.” 

“I don't care, I'm not going.” 

Sighing, you seat down on the couch and staring at the wood of the table covering her face. 

“What happened now?” 

“The bitch canceled!” 

“Wooyoung?” 

Poking her head out, she frowns at you “No, his first love.” 

“You were his first love.” 

“You know what I'm talking about, Y/N!” 

Laughing at her, you offer her your hand “Get dressed. Who cares if she's not going? He's not going to sulk because he's going to have you and his best friends there.” 

She whines like a child when you pull her up from the floor “I had a plan!” 

“Then make a new one, babe. We're going to be late.” 

She starts to whine again but then stops mid-groan to give you a once over. You shift uncomfortably on your feet, suddenly self-conscious about your appearance for the first time in years. 

“You look really hot…” she tells you and you fake gag at her words “Really pretty. Like a fairy and a smoke show at the same time.” 

You can't possibly look like that when you have such a simple outfit on, floor length high waist black pants and a flowy sleeve top that ties in the middle. It's barely formal but now you're thinking too hard about it. 

Blushing, you wave your hand to dismiss her compliment “Oh, my god. Go and change!” 

She rushes to her room on the opposite end of the hall and you finally breathe, looking down at your choice of fit and wondering if it's too much. 

Gyuri would've told you if that's the case, but either way it haunts your mind in the car on the way there, leg bouncing up and down under your best friend's judging gaze that only softens when you pout at her. 

“They are going to love you, babe. I'm so serious, they've been waiting years to meet you.” 

You nod because, yes, you're concerned that her friend group is not all as welcoming as she paints them to be. 

And you wish your doubts would go away but you're really, really not good at making friends. You're cautious, extremely closed off to new people and not as good with conversation no matter how much confidence you gained over the past years. 

When you walk to the loudest table at the laid back restaurant their friend Seonghwa made the reservation at, you think you won't be able to fit in with everyone else. You feel like an intruder, like Gyuri is supposed to enjoy this part of her life without you here. 

That's why you rejected every invitation they ever made. 

You celebrate birthdays with her, with Woo as well, but it's all very intimate and separate from their social circle, the one that includes the man you haven't fully faced in years. 

But you can't exactly back out now, not when one of them turns to you and seems to light up when they see you. 

“Oh? Is this her?” you recognize Hongjoong from pictures, he's the only one facing you when you approach the table, lowkey hiding behind Gyuri like a child. 

“Who?” 

“Huh?”

San is nowhere to be seen. Thank god. 

Slowly, everyone turns around and you see their faces light up with both delight and surprise. Your heart is pounding, you feel it in your throat, in your eyes, in the heat that colors your cheeks. 

But Gyuri just steps aside and presents you with a smile “This is her!” 

“Oh, Y/N!” Wooyoung gets up, rushing towards you and crashing into your frame with a crushing hug “I'm so glad you're here,” he murmurs into your hair and then turns to his friends, quiet them down “Everyone, this is Y/N, one of my best friends in the entire world.” 

He's such a dramatic human being.

You love him so much. 

Raising your hand, you shyly wave at them “Hi.” 

The entire table erupts with joy. Some of them greet you, some of them are saying that they are happy to be finally meeting you and Wooyoung grabs your arm and plops you down into the seat next to Gyuri, at the edge of the table. 

Laughing, you apologize for not meeting them sooner and then you feel a pair of hands on your shoulders. 

Panic raising, you quickly turn around to see who it is before releasing a shuddering, but calmer, breath. 

“She's a very busy woman, guys. She works for the competition, my competition,” everyone gasps at that but Wooyoung is smiling at you “and she's very good at what she does. Which means she's busy, get off her case,” he puts a glass and a can of beer in front of you “Drink, babe.” 

“Thanks, babe.” You whisper back and he leans in to peck your head before going away. 

Gyuri groans “Stop stealing that from us! It's our thing, Y/N, don't indulge him.” 

“It's his celebratory dinner…” you argue with a laugh that Hongjoong and Mingi follow. 

“Yeah! Can you get off my case tonight, Gyuri?” 

She huffs, wrapping her arms around you “I hate you all.” 

“No you don't!” 

The table laughs and everyone returns to their individual conversations when Woo sits down on his spot. 

There's a few seats left, one besides Mingi and one right in front of you but you don't think too much about it because soon Gyuri gets up to ask Yeosang something and Seonghwa occupies her seat right beside you. 

You think he can sense that you're more shy than you let on, because he doesn't include you in whatever he and Yunho were talking about and waits until he stops talking to him to turn to you. 

“So, you work for a publishing company?” 

The question caughts you off guard and you swallow the beer quickly before nodding “Y-yeah, I… Yeah.” 

He chuckles “You're nervous.” 

“I'm just not as good at meeting people as Gyuri is. She usually does the job and I tag along.” 

“I feel like I know you already, though.” He says, leaning back on his chair. 

“Because she talks a lot about me?” he nods “Yeah, she tends to do that.” 

“Wooyoung also talks a lot about you, San too… Sometimes,” your cheeks heat up and he misinterprets what it means “All good things, I promise.” 

You doubt that. 

Your brain gives you a hundred and one possible things San could've said about you. 

For some reason, none of them are good. But you choose to believe the gorgeous, long haired guy in front of you. 

“Well that's good to hear,” you take another sip of your drink before smiling at him “I was sure Woo was trash talking about me.” 

He shakes his head with a smile “He wouldn't dare, he has Gyuri on his ass all the time and I'm sure she would kill him.” 

“I'm sure she would kill him even if he didn't do it.” 

His smile grows wider “That's true,” he says, looking over at them who are, very coincidentally, fighting about something. You let out a sigh and he laughs again before clearing his throat “So, the publishing company. What kind of books do you like to edit the most?” 

Your smile grows wider too. 

For the next hour, you talk to Seonghwa about your job and how you started in it. He asks you about your classes and the challenges that you face on a daily basis and Wooyoung overhears and ends up joining the conversation as well.

You don't even hear footsteps nearing until a voice cuts everyone off. 

“I'm sorry I'm late!” 

“Baby!” Mingi gets up from his seat, but no one else does so he's stuck between the table and his girlfriend. 

“Oh, that's Love, huh?” you ask Seonghwa, Wooyoung too entertained messing with the couple to hear you anyways. 

“Yeah… Is that how Gyuri refers to her?” He frowns.

“Mhm,” you answer, leaning into him like you're about to tell him an important secret “I'm not supposed to call her that, don't tell her.” 

Seonghwa leans in too, pretending to zip his mouth shut and you laugh. 

The girl wiggles her way into the seat reserved for her and everyone lets out a groan when they smooch each other. You can only giggle and the sound draws her attention to you “Y/N?” 

You quickly nod “Yeah, hi, nice to meet you.” 

“Nice to meet you! Finally, I thought Wooyoung and Gyuri had an imaginary friend,” you laugh, shrugging at the joke “Love your outfit, by the way, are those— Oh, San, hi— Are those jellyfish?” 

You want to answer. You truly do, the yes right at the tip of your tongue, but words leave you when you turn your head around and find San already looking at you with wide eyes.

He looks great, he's a bit more muscular than what the pictures show and than the last time that you saw him, his arms hugging the fabric of the dress shirt he's wearing like it was tailored for him and everything. 

How dare he. 

You wonder if his heart is beating as loud as yours is right now. If he's surprised, disappointed or happy to see you at all. 

“Her favorite animal.” He answers for you “Hi, Y/N.” 

“Hi…” you whisper back and it feels like you're in a trance. He doesn't look away but the table quieting down once again snaps you out of it and you turn to the girl with a wide smile that you hope conceals whatever the fuck you're feeling at the moment “I love jellyfishes. Had a phase as a child when I would exclusively talk about them, too,” you chuckle, nervously, reaching for your earrings instinctively “Gyuri gave them to me as a present last Christmas.” 

You definitely overshared just now. From the corner of your eye you catch your best friend getting ready to step in if needed. 

Love looks at you, then at San (who's just standing next to you without uttering a word) and then back at you again, smiling like she just figured something out “Well, I love them.” 

“Thanks…” 

Coughing unnecessarily loud, Wooyoung gets up from his seat “You're late.” 

It takes a second but San tears his gaze away from you to look at his best friend and you take the opportunity to chug down the rest of your beer “Sorry, something came up.” 

Seonghwa turns at that and looks at him as well “You good?” 

“I am. Did you guys already eat? I'm starving.” 

“Nope. We're about to order. Let me get you a drink, come here.” And just like that, he disappears from your view and you almost sigh in relief. 

“Are you good?” Seonghwa asks you next and you reckon he's very observant. But then again, you're not the most gracious human being when you're in San’s presence, so, you figure everyone else noticed your change of mood as well. 

“Yeah, I just… I haven't seen him in a while and I didn't think he was coming. I was surprised, that's all.” 

“I can see that,” his eyes move around your face for some reason, frowning a little bit but then he seems to let it go, getting the menu closer to you “Okay, good, um… I actually made the reservation here because they have the best samgyeopsal in town.”  

“Do they?” 

“Mhm, so…” 

He helps you pick your food and when it's time to order, he moves back to his seat. Gyuri asks you with her eyes if you're okay, you nod and grab her hand under the table with a tiny smile and then everyone is moving around to make space for San and Woo once they return. 

He doesn't sit in front of you. 

Relief floods you and you can finally feel your muscles relax as he is so far away, at the other end of the table and in the same row of seats, so you don't really see him unless you really try. 

Which you don't, so your food goes down easy and the rest of the night as well.

Until everyone but you and Seonghwa move around their seats and he ends up right in your point of view as you do your best to ignore him and focus on his friend. 

Seonghwa asks you about your hobbies, you tell him that you love to write movie essays on websites no one even cares to read and he asks you to show it to him so he can look it up when he gets home.

“And you've always done this? Since highschool?” 

You nod and he beams “I read like the first three lines and it looks really good, Y/N. Is that why you love books so much? Because you're a writer?” 

“I wouldn't consider myself a writer but… Sure, I love to write.” 

“Did you know this?” he turns to San and your smile drops a little. 

“Know what?” 

“Your friend is an excellent writer.” 

“Oh, I know. She, uh… Used to write stories on her notebook instead of paying attention in math class,” he sips on his drink and at the detail you didn't know he knew, you turn to him fully “I used to read over her shoulder sometimes.” 

“She's really good.” Seonghwa is looking at your phone, still reading “Really smart, too.” 

San’s jaw tenses a little and you can't understand why “I know.” He says again. 

His friend is none the wiser, blocking your phone and returning it to you “I like it,” he says, smiling and you blush “The essay.” He clarifies after a second, prompting a laugh out of you that he joins. 

San doesn't laugh, but you don't pay attention to him because Seonghwa is asking you something else. 

When it's time to leave the restaurant, Wooyoung suggests going back to his apartment to milk the get-together as much as you all can.

You all throw your napkins at him in feign disgust at the choice of words but you all accept his proposal either way. 

So now you're sitting on the couch, legs crossed and head on Gyuri’s shoulder while you listen to all of them talk (more like argue) about something that happened at their university last week, their voices drowning the soft music playing out of the tiny speaker resting on the counter. 

San is on the floor, to your right. It's hard to keep your eyes off him when you feel him looking at you when you close your eyes and let the noise fade into the background. It's not like you're able to add something to the conversation anyway and Gyuri seems to be drinking her sorrows (not being able to hook Woo up with the girl she told you about) away. 

Your best friend is slurring her words already, drink in hand and index finger pointing at Jongho accusatively because, apparently, the fight they're talking about was his fault. 

“You don't—” she hiccups “You don't even know why it was your fault and it pisses me off even more, you know?” 

“Okay, let me take that.” Taking the drink from her hand and before she starts complaining you stand up to make your way into the kitchen. 

The sink is full and a mess, so you pour the liquid into it and leave the glass sitting right beside it. Distracted by the dilemma of helping Woo out with the dishes or not, you don't notice someone else also entering the space.

That's why you jump a little when you turn and catch Seonghwa leaning on the wall by the entrance. It startles you enough to laugh the nerves out afterwards and he shakes his head, smiling. 

“Sorry, didn't mean to scare you. They're boring me to death with the fight story.” 

You nod, realizing that maybe that's because he doesn't attend the university anymore. He told you he graduated last year “They're too drunk to let it go.” 

“Too drunk to dance to this amazing song, too. Who's playlist is that?” he frowns and you rest your back into the sink, rolling your eyes because he's pretending he doesn't know “Oh! Right, it's mine.” 

“And they just don't know how to appreciate it, huh?” he shrugs and you click your tongue “They're such bad friends, Seonghwa, I truly don't know why you keep them around.” 

“You appreciate it,” it's your turn to frown and he leaves his spot at the wall to walk towards you “You were singing along to it,” he explains and you let out an ah, nodding as he extends his palm to you, clearly inviting you to dance. 

“Oh, I don't… I don't really know how to—” 

“I'll show you.” 

His kind eyes are asking you to trust him. You really, really shouldn't. 

No matter how hard you try to bury the hopeless romantic little girl who decided to have a crush on a guy back in ninth grade, she's still there, begging you to let loose and live a little. 

When you grab Seonghwa’s hand, you think the smile he gives you was worth listening to her. 

You can't even tell the song that's softly playing anymore, a mellow r&b melody reaches your ear but you are not listening. You're focused on him, on the way he spins you around even if it doesn't fit the bit, on the way he laughs softly against your ear when he pulls you close by your hand and then pulls away just as quickly. 

Laughing as well, the spell of this beautiful stranger (because you remind yourself you don't really know him that well) is hard to break. 

Until it does. 

Someone clearing their throat behind you stops you and Seonghwa's feet from moving any further. When the tall, older guy turns you around, you're face to face with San and his scowl. 

“Sorry to interrupt but I need to get started on the dishes. Everyone else is heading out too,” he looks behind you, at the man who's still standing close to you and grabbing your hand “In case you want to ask Mingi for a ride.” 

“They finally stopped fighting!” he fakes excitement, finally letting go of your hand and walking in front of you, blocking San with his body. You chuckle, barely clapping your hands to join the pretense as he's pulling up his phone “Can I ask for your number, Y/N?” 

Blinking a few times, you're not sure if your heart speeds up because he's asking or because you hear San sigh exasperated behind him “S-sure.” 

When you put your information on his phone, he bids you goodbye with a pat on your head and hugs San on his way out the kitchen. 

Now that you two are alone, you suddenly want to run and join Seonghwa. You were doing so, so well. 

Avoiding San like the plague it's much easier when you're safe hiding behind your two best friends. 

Ignoring his stare would be much easier if you weren't stuck into place. 

“I—” 

“You—” 

You both speak over each other and you force out an uncomfortable laugh that he doesn't return. Instead, he motions you to go first while he occupies the space in front of the sink, turning the faucet on. In doing so, he has to grab your waist and move you out of the way which makes you short circuit for a second “I was going to help you with that.” You finally stammer out. 

He lets out what you take as an annoyed chuckle. 

“You seemed busy, I don't know how you would've done it.” 

Ouch. 

Why do you allow his words to cut so deep when you stopped caring about what he does a long time ago? 

The band aid rips, the stitches come undone and all it took him were five seconds to melt your resolve away like it was never there in the first place. 

“I'll… I go get Gyuri so we can leave Woo and you to get to it, then.” 

“Bathroom.” You hear him mutter under his breath as you are taking the final step to leave. 

“Huh?” 

“She's in the bathroom, probably puking her breakfast out,” he looks up at you to give you a tiny smile “You left her alone with Jongho and Woo for five minutes so she got ahold of another drink.” 

“God damnit.” 

Rushing out, you run into everyone else at the door and Mingi has to let go of his very intoxicated girlfriend when she reaches you to give you a hug “Don't be a stranger, Y/N! It was lovely to be around you, hm?” 

The sudden physical contact almost makes you gasp but you cover it up with a shy giggle “O-oh. Yeah, um, lovely to meet you too. All of you.” 

“Sorry about that,” her boyfriend grabs her arms and breaks the hug “She's right, though. Don't be a stranger.” 

You nod once, smiling a little more sincerely now and everyone says bye to you, including Seonghwa, who grabs your hand one last time and gives it a squeeze before closing the front door of the apartment. 

You think you feel your heart skip a tiny bit under all the shit San’s words pulled up to the surface a minute ago. But there's no time to dwell in that: you hear Gyuri opening up the bathroom door before gagging and closing it again with a slam. 

Jesus Christ. 

You two are really getting old. You stopped drinking like an hour ago, when you were starting to feel tipsy after your second beer, and you know she didn't drink as much as she used to maybe four years ago, but the visage that welcomes you when you open the door and find her crouched down in front of the toilet certainly brings back memories of those times. 

“I left you alone for like… five minutes.” Sighing, you lean in to hold her flimsy ponytail and pat her back. 

“I'm good,” she gags again and then holds up her hand to stop you from saying anything else “I'm fine.” 

Smiling, you help her up and she grabs the counter as she's washing away the taste of whatever she ate earlier today and alcohol “Me when I lie…”

“Y/N!” she hits your arm but the movement somehow almost makes her trip. 

“You want to lay down?” 

“Is she okay?” Woo’s head peaks into the bathroom and when he sees his ex, he makes a face. 

“Does she look like she's okay?” you help her out of the bathroom and start heading for Wooyoung's room. 

“Wow, wow— Where do you think you're taking her?” 

“To your room, dumbass!”

“Why mine? San's is literally right there.” He whines, pointing at the door you pass by without a second thought. You don't want to know where his room is or what it looks like at all. 

“Yeah, well, did San get her this drunk?” 

“How was I supposed to know that she was at her almost black-out phase? She never drinks that much in front of me!” he complains again but you're already tugging Gyuri in, who mumbles something incoherent and then flips Wooyoung off “Na Gyuri if you puke on my bed I swear to God!” 

If you didn't know Wooyoung so much, the whining and the attitude would probably make you think he didn't care for her at all. But he's brushing her hair out of her forehead, securing the blanket around her and moving to take her socks off when you reach the door. 

“I'm guessing you're okay with her staying the night?” 

“Of course you guys can stay the night, Y/N.” He says and he stumbles a little to get to you, so you smile and shake your head, about to let him know that you're not staying anywhere near his roommate when he continues “You can come over whenever you like. You know that, right?” 

“I know, Woo.” 

“I barely even see you these days, I… Oh! I forgot!” he points to the end of the hall, towards the kitchen “You guys don't really like each other so maybe don't come over when he's here because I don't want to see you sad!” 

“Lower your voice,” you whisper to him, bringing a hand to his face and patting his cheek a few times to wake him up “Did the alcohol suddenly hit you or something?” you sigh for the umpteenth time “Anyways, you should lay down and I'll get going. I'll come pick her up tomorrow and—” 

“That's such a great idea! Oh, I'm a genius.” 

“You didn't come up with it, Wooyoung.”

“San!” he calls all of the sudden and you wish he was sober enough to read the panic on your features. He seems much, much sober when his best friend starts walking down the hall and stops right beside you “Take Y/N home, please, she's going to give you a bag that you must protect with your life.” 

Said best friend looks at you, his eyebrow arched in a silent question “Gyuri’s stuff.” 

“Ah.”

“Go, go. It's getting late, I'll just… I'll cuddle with my ex until you get home.” 

And she has the nerve to say he doesn't want her back. 

When the door to Wooyoung's room closes and you're left with San on the poorly lit hallway, you make a mental note to never step foot on this place or allow your friends to drink ever again. 

You don't even look at the guy before practically running down the hallway and reaching for your bag. You make sure your phone is secured in your pocket as you slip your shoes on and soon you're grabbing the front door knob and twisting it. 

Keys jingle next to you but, again, you don't spare San a glance. 

“So—” 

“I'll get out of your hair, you don't have to… walk me home or whatever he said.” 

“Y/N, it's late.” 

Turning to him, your smile is as fake as the ones you've been giving him the past couple of years “And I'm a grown up, San, I can walk myself home.” 

“What about Gyuri’s stuff?” 

“She can wear Wooyoung's clothes, it's not like they never shared before. Anyway… Thank you for having me, it was nice to see you. Goodnight.” Your response comes out fast and it sounds as planned out as it actually is, kinda robotic and devoid of actual emotion. 

San can't see through you the way you see through him. It's okay, he won't mind it. 

He probably won't mind that you close his own door on his face either. 

If that door is what you hear when you're making your way down the stairs in order to make a fast escape, you choose to ignore it. 

You have to stop mid-way to compose yourself. You don't know why you feel like crying or why your heart is beating so fast. 

You knew going in that there was a possibility of seeing him tonight. You know how San affects you, so effortless and seemingly like no time has passed at all in between senior year and present day. 

You know all of this already, it's an endless loop that will keep repeating until you either move away or decide to stop agreeing to Wooyoung's plans all together. 

So why is your chest heaving with emotion? Why is nostalgia playing mind tricks with you? Why do you want to turn back and hug him and beg him to turn back time so you can do it all differently now that you know how to look like and what to say to make him love you back? 

Ah, you're definitely not sleeping tonight. So you start distracting yourself while walking down the stairs again. You remind yourself to tell a much sober Wooyoung how proud you are of him. You think about Seonghwa, about his kind eyes and the way he grabbed your hand to dance with him just half an hour ago. You wonder how long it will take you to get home if you jog all the way there. You—

Why the fuck is San outside when you get there? 

In a comedic way, you can see your attempt to distract your mind off of him slipping through your fingers and evaporating in the warm summer night breeze. 

In a realistic way, you're fucking pissed at him for taking the opportunity of a good night sleep away from you. 

You pass him and start jogging like you planned a minute ago. Footsteps follow you until his arm brushes yours and you take a step to the side to stop it from happening again. 

“Go home, Choi San.” 

“Stop fighting it, Y/N. I'm walking you home.” 

“It's a twenty minute walk—” 

“Drop it.” 

You do. And for the first ten minutes, no one utters a word even if the tension feels electric and the street is so quiet so you can hear when his breath accelerates when he jogs to catch up to you whenever you try to leave him behind. 

Isn't that ironic. He was the one who left you behind all those years ago. 

“I didn't know that you danced.” 

He breaks the uncomfortable but safe silence to say that? 

“Well, you saw me dance so I clearly dance when I want to.” 

“You never danced with me.” 

“You never asked me to.” 

He laughs “I'm pretty sure I did on several occasions, Y/N.” 

“Well, you're wrong,” you're getting annoyed. How dare he think he remembers better than you? “It doesn't matter anyway, what's past is past and—” 

“You also gave Hwa your number,” he interrupts, his long legs taking two strides to get in front of you, still walking, facing your direction with his hands on his pockets. 

It's dangerous and stupid, even if the streets are practically empty and the sidewalk barely has any bumps. 

You hope he falls on his pretty face.

“I did.* 

“I don't have your number.” 

“Well, I changed it and you never asked for it, so…” 

“You could've called me or texted me to let me know you did it.” 

He's getting on your nerves.

“San,” you start, taking in a deep breath you hope calms you down “We don't even text anymore, why would you want my number?” 

“Do you like him?” 

“Seonghwa?” you ask, frowning and he nods “Like… As a person?” 

“As a potential love interest.” He clarifies matter-of-factly and you roll your eyes. 

“I met him today, San. Why do you want my number?” 

“Because we're friends?” he offers after a second, shifting so he's walking by your side again. 

“Are we?” you ask, laughing bitterly at that “Because we haven't spoken a word to each other in years.” 

“That's not true.” 

“It is, San.” 

“You… You don't speak to me anymore, so…” 

“Well your girlfriend at the time told me she didn't feel comfortable with me speaking to you anymore,” you sigh “so I didn't and you didn't try to talk to me either.” 

“Well, I want to talk to you now.” 

“And is your new girlfriend aware of that? Is she comfortable with that? Because I don't want anyone telling me what to do anymore and—” 

“Why wouldn't she be comfortable? We're friends, Y/N.” 

“Are we?” you insist, petty, bitter and overall very, very hurt. 

He looks offended at that “I assumed we were?” 

He's getting on your fucking nerves. 

“We stopped being friends the second Minseo asked me to stay away from you because she didn't like me, San.” 

“She’s not in my life anymore—” 

The words are coming out of your mouth without even thinking it through. His demeanor, the way he's somehow reproaching you for whatever he saw between you and his friend, the way he pretends nothing happened between you and him, thinking that you two are still friends. 

“We stopped being friends when you pulled away from me, saw me do the same and did nothing to stop it from happening, San.” 

He stops in his tracks at that. You don't, pushing forward and quickening your step even if your calves burn. 

“Either way,” you speak up “Make sure you tell your girlfriend about wanting my number and then you can ask Seonghwa for it if you want—” 

“She's not my girlfriend anymore!” 

Now that stops you, just a few buildings down from yours, you turn around just to find San closer that you thought he'll be.

“O-oh. I… I didn't know that. I'm sorry.” 

“You didn't do anything to be sorry for.” 

“Still, it must suck so I'm sorry you're going through that.” 

“We didn't want the same things and so we ended it. It is what it is.” 

You nod. 

He walks the few steps separating you and you have to raise your chin a little to look him in the eye for the first time since you left his apartment “I wanted to tell you.” 

“That you broke up with your girlfriend?” 

“Yeah, I don't know why. It happened when I broke up with Minseo too, I just… You're the first person that I thought of calling when it happened. I texted you, too, but the messages didn't go through.” 

You hum at that. 

Why would he even say that? 

You resume your step, not really knowing what to say until you reach the stairs that lead to your building’s entrance. 

“And you didn't ask Woo for my number?” 

He follows you up. 

“I don't think he would've given it to me if I asked.” 

That sounds like an excuse, so you don't let it slide as you enter the code to your building and let yourself inside, San holding the door so he can get in as well “Why would he do that?” 

“Because he…” San sighs, pressing the elevator button “Nevermind. He just wouldn't.”

Frowning, you turn to him “No, now you have to tell me.” 

“It doesn't matter, really—” 

“Tell me, San.” 

He stares for a second and then looks away, like a child, vulnerable and you can't help but soften at that “He didn't like the way I treated you.” 

Eating your words from before, you shake your head “You didn't treat me like anything.” 

The elevator dings and you get inside. 

San follows you. 

“Exactly,” he says, resting his shoulder on the metal “Like you said I just did nothing and—” 

“Well, sometimes that's just what happens,” you want to end this. You want to pack Gyuri’s bag, give it to him and never see him again. 

This conversation hurts, it reopens barely closed wounds and it creates new ones you don't really need when it comes to whatever happened between you two. 

There's only so much a person can handle and it really doesn't help that you're a fool for San. He takes advantage of it, of the fact you can't really push him away at this point and the fact that he wants to have this conversation now instead of four and half years ago? 

Mean. 

He's mean. He's evil. He's… He's staring at you with a spark in his eyes that you recognize too well. 

Hope. 

When you get to your floor, you try to wipe the image away while busying yourself with your keys. Your hands tremble a little but you're able to open the door of your apartment and get in without inviting him. 

He gets in anyway. You take off your shoes as he closes the front door. 

He stays silent as he follows you around the apartment and you don't worry about turning the lights on. You get into Gyuri’s room and start picking out a comfy hangover outfit for your friend. Some clean underwear, sweatpants, two shirts and socks. 

When you drop to the floor, in front of the closet, to look for a bag to stash all of it in, San silently clutches beside you. 

“It shouldn't have happened to us. Never us.” 

You can't take it anymore. 

“San, what is this? What are you doing? I mean, why are we—” 

“I know.” 

“It's been years…”  

“I miss you.” 

He's so mean. But the softness in his tone resembles the one he used all the way back in highschool, when he told you that not being friends with you didn't feel right and you want to cave in right there and then. 

Your heart screams at you to do it, your reason warns you that you both have been through this before and it never ends right. 

You simply can't stay friends with Choi San. 

Your love for him must run too deep, your resentment claws at it and tries to hurt it but it's an immovable force that won't budge even if you try to bury it under the years that have passed, the things he has done. 

Tears gather in your eyes and you try to blink them away as you stare at your best friend's clothes on your lap and try to come up with something to close this path up again, reconstruct the picket fence you built around it the second he broke your heart for the first time. 

“Yeah,” you whisper back, letting the walls fall a little “I miss you too but I don't think I miss whatever version of you you are right now, San.” 

“W-what?”

His shaky voice makes the walls crumble and crash. 

Turning to him, your hand shakes as you place it on top of his “And you don't miss the version of me I am right now. You miss what I was back then, the comfort and the shoulder to cry on I offered you when Arin and you broke up. You miss my availability and the way I didn't press my feelings on you because it didn't matter if I liked you or not, you were my friend first and the guy that I had a crush second but—” you choke up, tears falling down your cheeks even if you don't want them to “I can't do it anymore. I'm not that girl anymore and I won't be there for you now that you and Kyungmi broke up because I can't handle it. I can't, I'm sorry.” 

He doesn't deny any of it.

He stares at you, tears wetting his cheeks as well and it hurts even more this way. You wish you had the strength to hold it together, to treat him like you did on the street a few minutes ago, but you can't. 

There's no way you could ever hate him like you want to. 

“You know…” he starts in a whisper, letting out a humorless chuckle “That's what I used to tell myself too.” 

“Hm?” 

“That you were my friend first and the girl that I had a crush on second.” 

How dare he mutter the words you always wanted to hear, the ones you picture being said in a different setting, the ones that haunted your every waking thought that period of time you doubted your friends, your mom, yourself for even believing Choi San could ever have a crush on you. 

He doesn't get to say them. You want to tell him but the words die on your throat and form a lump that you can't swallow down. 

You don't get to say that. You don't get to say that. 

Your hand drops from his and you look away again only to grab the first bag you find on the closet floor and shove Gyuri’s stuff in it. 

If the lack of response it's what prompts the hurt in his voice the next time he speaks, you don't want to think about it. 

“I wish I didn't. Now it's too late to do something about it, huh?” 

This time the rage comes back with a mask on. Feing settlement for all the what if’s covers you like a blanket on a really hot summer night: unwanted, unnecessary. 

But you can't sleep without it, so you do nothing to push it away. 

“I guess it is.” 

You get up from the floor, leaving the room and wiping your face with bitterness coating your movements as you wait by the door for him to get out. 

When he does and he steps in front of you, you extend the bag and he takes it without missing a beat. 

Voice robotic and words premeditated, you open the front door for him “Thanks for walking me home and taking this back.” 

He leans a little into your space and you don't move away. But just as he did in highschool, he takes in your hitched breath and does nothing more.

“Thanks for letting me talk to you.” 

He didn't give you much of a choice there but it's okay. This is closure, this is the end of your story with Choi San and you convince yourself you're glad that it is. 

“Sure,” you whisper back and he steps outside, turning around to watch you slowly close the door “goodnight, San.” 

He doesn't say it back. 

When the darkness of your apartment engulfs you, that's when you let yourself breakdown. Covering your mouth with your palm, you descend until your knees are against the wood on the floor and closing your eyes you make it a point to let it all out. 

You'll let it all out, drink some water, text Wooyoung and Gyuri to let them know you're safe and go to bed. 

And tomorrow you'll begin your day with the freedom of finally knowing what would've happened if you or San ever took the next step. 

This is fine. This is moving on. This is— 

The doorbell rings. 

Opening the door again, you crease your eyebrows in a silent question that San doesn't care to answer, so you look around the floor in case he forgot something you're missing. You wipe your cheeks and under your eyes as you turn to him again “Did you—” 

Time slows down when he makes it past the threshold and you can't move an inch, gaping at who you once thought was the love of your life “What are you doing, San?” 

“Something about it.” 

“What?” 

“Forgive me,” he asks, breathless and in a murmur, fueling your confusion. And then he's closing the distance, dropping Gyuri’s bag and cupping your face so gently that it hurts “but I'm doing something about it.” 

You stopped dreaming about the possibility of San kissing you that one time you two were on your bed and, another time, you told yourself that, if it ever happened, you wouldn't kiss him back. 

It's too late to kiss him back. 

But sparks fly when he crushes you against the wall and takes in a breath before slothing his mouth against yours like he's been waiting to do this every single day for the past nine years you've known each other. 

There's nothing you can do to conceal the way yearning takes over you, pours out of you, making you breathe into his open mouth and kiss him back like you always wanted to. 

You already know it is a mistake by the time you grab his shirt to keep him in place but does it really matter when this is all you ever wanted? 

Feeling warmth leave your face, you notice the way he desperately crowds your space as his chest bumps into yours, leg claiming its place in between yours, the palm that leaves you pressing against the wall, next to your head. 

The kiss is filled with emotion, with longing and desire and it steals the air out of your lungs tragically and beautifully at the same time. Before, you used to dream about his lips making everything feel right, making you fit in in a world you didn't feel like you belonged to. 

But this kiss drops you into uncharted territory, drags you into the depths of something that should be buried by now, after all this time. It brings the flame back to life and it's dangerous. 

The fact that it feels this way, both marvelous and catastrophic at the same time, makes you so sad. 

Sorrow descends down your face until your mouth is picking it up and your tongue is mixing it with whatever emotion is cruising through San right now. 

You have to know. 

He spent your entire youth and early adulthood keeping it to himself, knowing when to show his true colors and when to hide them, choosing who to do it with and you realize the San that lives in your head is nothing but a figment of what you wanted him to be. 

Because him holding to your waist like it's his only lifeline doesn't fit the San you remember, him telling you he liked you back then doesn't fit the guy who was just your best friend. 

You need to know. 

“San,” brokenly, you speak into his mouth and he pulls away just enough to see your face. Your eyes remain closed, your chest heaving and your lips trembling “Why are you doing this?” 

“Because I want you, Y/N.” 

You push him away, weakly, almost like you don't really mean it because deep down you don't but he steps away like you're asking to. 

Because, of course, your mind scraps the bottom of your resentment to give his words a completely new meaning. 

“You can find another girl to fuck and be your rebound, San,” more tears spill down and you wipe them away in anger but more threat to fall down so you cover your face with your hands and groan, desperate “I can't do this, especially not when I know that you know how bad I wanted you. Y-you know what you do to me San so stop—”

“I want you in my life. I don't— What? I don't want you like a rebound, I… Can we sit down and turn on a light so I can look at you when I say this?” 

His words should be reassuring but they're not, the way you tend to feel unlovable around him coming up to the surface, preventing you from thinking clearly. 

You can also feel his lips on yours still. It's dizzying but you manage to push yourself off the wall and pad around until you hit the switch of the warm light lamp near the couch and the apartment comes to life just like that. 

He takes in the space he's never seen before, walking slowly towards the living room and looking over the bookshelf that screams your name all over it. He smiles a bit as he looks over the book titles and you look away before your heart starts acting up again. 

You can't stay mad at him for long if he's looking through something so personal to you and smiling that fondly at it. It feels even more intimate than the kiss you two just shared. 

Wiping your cheeks once more, you are sure you look a mess but he doesn't seem to mind it once he comes into your point of view, sitting down on the couch, in front of your standing form. He grabs you by your hands until you're sitting next to him, close to him, cologne intoxicating your senses. 

“I told you I liked you when we were in highschool, right?” 

You nod. 

“You seemed surprised but it was dark so I'm not really sure. I thought you knew, everyone knew.” 

Oh, he's a comedian. 

“How would I have known, San? I… Yeri told me you liked me one time, in senior year, but I denied it. Then, my mom told me you seemed to want me in a non-platonic way and I dismissed her as well,” you take in a deep, shaky breath “For me, the thought of you liking me just didn't make sense. You loved Arin and she's… She doesn't look or act like I did back then at all, so how would I have known?” 

You didn't need clues and puzzles and what if’s, you needed words and actions that weren't confusing. You needed him to tell you back then, because telling you right now and kissing you senseless after he broke up with a girl he supposedly was very in love with means nothing but pain. 

“I didn't realize you liked me too,” you make a face, about to tell him off, but he interrupts “I didn't! I thought you liked Yeri and I thought you saw me as the annoying guy who wouldn't leave you alone. I only just realized it a couple years ago, because Woo told me.” 

You raise your eyebrows and mutter under your breath “I'm murdering him tomorrow.” 

The corner of his lips twitch before he shakes his head in dismissal of what you said “I liked you. I really, really liked you and never told a soul because… Well, it's scary when you fall in love, right?” 

“San, you had no problem telling Arin, Minseo or Kyungmi that you liked them.” 

He looks down to the floor, lost in thought and you want to open your mouth to take what you just said into a new direction, but you don't “Maybe that's because I didn't love them the way I love you.” 

Oh. 

Love you? As in… He loves you right now too? 

No way. 

“You didn't love me, San. You don't love me right now either, you… Maybe we both were in love with the idea of love? Maybe that's what happened and—” 

“Quit telling me what I'm feeling, Y/N. You always do that, you always assume you know what I'm feeling but you don't!” 

Raising your voice a little more, you try to get your point across in the worst way possible: by being stubborn “You don't know me! How can you possibly—” 

“I knew you back then, Y/N! And I loved you back then, too!” He looks like wants to say something more but he doesn't, instead, he takes a calming breath and then leans into your space for the third time tonight “And I might not know you now but I want to. That's what I meant when I said that I want you. I want you in my life, I want to know the person you became when we stopped talking, I want to talk to you every single day and I want to hold you and kiss you and be by your side however you want me to, I just… I can't lose you again.” 

His confession renders you speechless and you notice his chest is heaving, going up and down in sync with yours. 

But the way he pulled away from you senior year still hurts, it paints a picture of what's going to happen if you accept this. 

You can't believe his words. 

He must feel lonely and confused, like he did when Arin broke up with him. He must be looking for a shelter you can't provide. 

“And when you find another girl that's more to your liking? What then, San?” 

“There's no one that I love more than you, Y/N and I'm sorry I was shit at proving it back then and I'm sorry that it took so many years for me to come to my senses.” 

He's tearing up and your heart pangs absurdly loud at that. 

“I saw you with Seonghwa earlier today, laughing and dancing and flirting and I thought: Oh, maybe if I didn't waste that much time pretending I'm someone I'm not, that would be me.” 

You stare for a second, you watch a single tear drop down his cheek and then look away. 

“Is that what you were doing? Is that why you pulled away?” 

“Maybe?” he offers and you turn to him again. Is not enough and maybe he can see it in your expression, because he goes on “I mean, I… I thought I wanted Arin. I thought I wanted Minseo. I had people in my life who were really happy to see me with them and I just…” 

“Wanted to keep them happy,” you nod, understanding. He doesn't have to say his mothers name for you to know he's referring to her and maybe his other highschool friends outside of Wooyoung “Were you pretending with me as well?” 

“No,” he answers right away “You and Woo were the only ones who saw me for who I really was back then.” 

“And why do you think you love me now, San?” you ask, deflating against the couch and ignoring the way your heart soars at his quick response.

“Because I never stopped,” he stammers out and then clears his throat “Because I looked for you in Minseo and Kyungmi and I wondered for years why they couldn't make me feel the same way. And I told myself I didn't need to feel the same way and that I deserved to wonder for the rest of my days but seeing you tonight? I can't.” 

Straightening your spine, the pained look you sent in his direction is not intentional but it prompts him to lean closer and closer until he's cupping your cheek again. 

“I can't keep wondering.” His voice is a sweet whisper, a siren song that draws you in until your forehead is resting against his. 

All these years, you were so self-focused on changing to a better version of who he used to know, learning from your mistakes and closing off to the opportunity of letting him prove himself a better man, you forgot that time passed for him too. He’s telling you he changed, too. 

Imagination is a safe space. Is where you hide, where desire can take its wings and fly high without hurting you too much. Make belief has rescued you before but this? The way his nose nuzzles softly into yours and your breaths tangle? This is very real. And reality is prone to hurt you. 

But the want you feel is undeniable. The way your entire being wants to cave in and give him an opportunity is suffocating, it makes you choke out a sob that he follows with one of his own. 

You kiss him, softly at the beginning, but his hands on you tighten and you let yourself get lost in the way they go down your neck and your arms, caressing you softly until they reach your waist and pull you into his lap. 

Pulling away, you grab his chin with two fingers and force his teary eyes to snap open, searching for an answer on yours.

“If you hurt me,” you start, breathless “If you're mocking me, if you're using me to get over Kyungmi, if you are pulling me back in to break my heart again, Choi San, I swear to God I will kill you.” 

“I won't do that to you ever again, Y/N,” he returns softly “I love you, I'm sorry if I ever hurt you but I love you.” 

Others would argue that it is pathetic how quickly you forgive him. But then again, you could never be mad at San. 

You were only mad at yourself for how everything turned out. 

“I love you too, Sannie.” 

Saying something never felt so freeing before. 

“Oh, Y/N…” you can see the way relief washes his worries away “Y/N…” he starts to say but then leans in to kiss you again and never finishes his words. 

You don't mind it. 

Pouring out all the pent up affection you pretended to bury for years, you explore his mouth and carve into your memory the way he feels. The way he sighs into it when your tongue brushes his, the way he pulls you in closer when your fingers reach the nape of his neck and pull on his hair there, hands splayed on your back so he can keep you in place as he leans down and places you against the worn out couch. 

He maps you out, hands going down your waist in a familiar feeling that brings back that memory of you two laying down on your bed. Only this time, he's actually touching you with a purpose. This time, you two have made up your minds and your limbs are tangled in a way you can feel all of him pressing up against you. 

It starts to get stuffy, the space on the couch not nearly enough to have him the way you want to. Soon, you're both standing up, mouths still moving against each other and hands roaming everywhere until you're undoing the buttons on his shirt. 

He pulls away to fully take it off, eyes never leaving yours, dropping the shirt to the ground, next to the couch and then he's on you again, making your back crash into the wall as he works the knots keeping your blouse together. 

He walks you through the hall, stopping only to take your top off and then he's walking you to a room that has a familiar scent that doesn't belong to you.

“Wrong room, wrong room,” you say into his lips and he laughs, looking to your surroundings “Mine’s over there.” you point to the other end of the hall, taking his hand and pulling him towards it. 

You don't make it far before he's yanking you towards him again. He looks down, taking your body in and you do the same, his firm and defined stomach a sight you never thought you would be able to see. 

“You're so beautiful,” he whispers, backing you against the wall again and kissing your cheek “So, so beautiful.” 

Turning your head to chase his mouth, he lets out a heavy sigh when his lips trail a path to your neck and murmurs against the skin there “I never told you how beautiful I found you before but you're so perfect, baby.” 

“I always thought I wasn't your type, San,” you let out a noise when he grabs your hips and pulls you forward, crashing his into yours “Fuck.” 

“And I always thought you were too much for me, too smart,” he kisses his way back up, focusing on your jaw and chin until he's kissing your cheek again “too pretty,” he moves to your ear, pecking right under it and you hold him closer “too good for me.” 

It doesn't really matter that this is all new to you, the way he's speaking, the tenor of his voice, the things he's saying… It sparks something familiar in you. You're pulling his hair back to make him look at you, a moan slipping out of his lips at that. 

You want to hear it again. 

He's smiling at your reaction, hand tightening on his locks.

However, that smile drops when he seems to recognize the gleam in your eyes. 

You gather up courage, feeling empowered by the way his hooded eyes darken but wait patiently for you to speak your mind. 

“Maybe I'm too good for you now, too,” you lean in, your lips softly tracing his “Maybe you should prove to me that you deserve me, San.” 

It's a dare. One that he seems to like a lot because his eyes sparkle with the same fire they used to back in the day. 

“Oh, I'll prove it to you, alright.” He whispers, panting when you let go of his hair and he leans into you to kiss your lips briefly before pulling away again.

His hand tilts your head back and you rest it against the cold wall, his fingers touch your bottom lip before going down and down and down until they rest against the seam of your pants, unbuttoning them in one swift movement. 

Going back up, his nails softly dig into your skin and you preen, taking the soft sting of his ministrations like you two have done this a million times before.  

His mouth is on yours again, his hands are pulling you off the wall and into your room until you two land on your mattress with a soft tud, a moan spilling out of your lips when he sloths his knee in between your legs and pulls them apart with expertise. 

You don't have the mind to break down what that means. 

Opening your eyes when he kisses down your neck again, you notice your room is barely lit by the street lights outside, curtains pulled open and windows closed but, this way, you can see the way San kisses between your breasts and your belly, catching his eyes when he looks up to measure your reaction. 

You sigh, already feeling some sort of build up going on down there and he hasn't even touched you properly yet. 

You don't even want to think about how wet you actually are. 

He leans back, open palms going down your legs slowly until they reach your feet. It tickles and you can't help but let out a giggle that he joins short after, his gaze never losing the edge because of it, though. 

“San…” 

He guides your hips up so he can take off your pants and you sigh when his hands return, raising your leg up “I missed your laugh,” he says low, attaching his lips to your calf “I miss being the one making you laugh too.” 

You feel like crying again but then he's letting your leg down and grabbing the other one to give it the same treatment, so your tears can wait. 

This time, he moves upwards till his mouth nears your clothed center and your breath hitches. 

Yeah, you can definitely cry later.

“You want me to prove to you how much I want you, Y/N?” he murmurs, his lips ghosting your mound now “How much I love you?” 

“San, p-please…” 

“Fuck, look at you.” He sounds like he's too lost in the heat of the moment and you're kind of grateful, because the moan you let out when his fingers hook on your underwear and pull them to the side to expose your pussy to his hungry eyes is loud. 

When he kisses you right where you need him, you let out another moan. And when he parts your folds to lick a stripe up to your clit, you curse him under you breath until he's laughing against you softly, the vibrations accumulating heat on your belly. 

He doesn't tease you much longer and you look down at him just to catch the moment his self control slips, eating you out like a man starved while his hand stays on your hip to hold you down and keep you underwear from interrupting his feast. 

“This is like,” he dives in again for a few seconds and you grab the sheets beneath you “All my fantasies coming to life but better.” 

He's so chatty during this and the only thing you can do is stammer a yeah? and pray for it to reach his ears.

“Mhm,” the circles your clit with the tip of his tongue and your legs shake “Taste even better than what I dreamed, too.” 

The heat of his mouth leaves you, lips spreading your wetness through your stomach until he fully reaches your face, your eyes closed and lips already waiting for him. 

Tongue caressing yours, your hands trail down his torso and focus on getting his pants off. You're shaking with excitement so it proves to be more difficult than you imagined at first but he helps you in unbuckling his belt. 

Once the piece of clothing is one the floor (or the bed, you're not really paying attention on where it lands), you don't waste time in feeling him up through his boxers. 

The hiss you get in return makes you smile. 

Bringing your lips to his neck, you suckle on this pulse point and gain another pleased noise before grazing your teeth against skin and moving to his collarbone next.

In a way, you get what he means. If he truly was pining over you the way you were pining over him, the thought of exploring his tan skin and making him moan feels like a dream. 

So you kiss him again in order to make it all last longer. 

The minutes pass between the both of you, softly making out and figuring out what gets both of you going, discarding your underwear in the process. 

You realize your moans make San’s cock twitch against your leg and he seems to notice the way your hips buck up everytime his hands handle you more roughly. 

After a few minutes of just this, you feel his hand making its way down again and the pads of his fingers circle your clit until you're grasping the sheets again. He gathers your arousal and then enters one finger slowly and when it slides in and out with ease, he enters the next one. 

There's really not much prepping he needs to do, already soft and compliant under him, you relax into his comfortable touch before you're aching for something else. And your mouth is preoccupied with his, so you do something else to catch his attention. 

Hands caressing his back, you let them drop to his ass with a soft smack that wins you a soft huff on amusement and then a whine when you move his hips towards yours. 

“Condom?” 

You shake your head “I'm clean and I have an implant.” 

“Oh?” he smirks, about to tease you but you squeeze his butt again and he moans “Fuck. I'm clean too.” 

“Good,” you whisper against his cheek, laughing as he arranges his position. 

And he might've been touching you all this time, kissing you until your mind emptied and your lips are all swollen up, but the look on his eyes when he slowly enters you is what might drive you over the edge. 

Grabbing your hands, he pins them on the side of your head as he moves, dropping his head down with a groan as you take him in, nose touching yours and moth whispering sweet things you can't quite pick up. 

He feels so good. 

This all feels way too good to be real. 

In the cloud you're at, you allow yourself to dream a little more before the reality of what your confessions mean dawns on you. 

For now, you allow San to make love to you. Sweetly, slowly and with a passion you never were lucky enough to encounter before. 

Maybe it's because your previous lovers didn't have your heart the way San does. 

He rams his hips into yours hard, closing his eyes and resting his warm cheek against yours, kissing your face inch by inch when you accompany his movements with your own. 

When his pace picks up, you hug him close and secure your legs around his hips as you moan. 

“Y-yes, fuck.” 

“Like that?” he repeats the movement from before, pulling out and then in with such force it rocks the entire bed. 

“Just like that, baby, fuck.” 

“God, you sound so good,” you smile a little, forehead resting on his shoulder before your head falls down against your pillow again “I love you,” he repeats against your lips, letting your hands go to cup your face with both of his again “I love you so much.” 

Teetering over the edge, you feel happy tears stinging in your eyes. Though closed, you can feel San’s stare on you, on your face, on the way you react to his sweet words and relentless pace. 

You say it back in a whisper and he repeats it again and again and again until you're both coming and tears are spilling down your cheeks. 

He kisses them away. 

You wipe his with trembling fingers as you come down, having trouble breathing from everything that just happened. 

You don't feel suffocated anymore, you feel like you've been freed. Like this was supposed to happen at some point and you two finally got around to it. 

“I love you,” he says once more before slipping out of you with a parting kiss. 

Holy shit. 

When San gets up from the bed and you point him to the bathroom, down the hallway, you're left with a sticky mess in between your legs and a lot to think about but you settle on four things. 

San just made love to you. There's no way that was just sex. 

There's also no way you're coming back from this. 

Gyuri is probably going to kill you. 

And that, obviously, your feelings for San never left. You feel the familiar warmth of them spreading through your post-orgasmic state. They're there, mocking you, asking you who the fuck you thought you were for pushing them away. 

He returns, toilet paper in his hands before leaning in and cleaning you up, lips immediately finding home on your skin as he does. 

You both giggle at that.

You probably need to shower but you've been crying and there's no way you're leaving this bed tonight. He throws the paper away on your bedroom’s trashcan and then crashes into the bed next to you, still naked, still looking at you with so much love you're wondering what stopped you from seeing it was there before. 

Taking his hand, you bring it to his lip and give his knuckles a peck “That was really good.” 

“It was.” 

“I can't believe we actually just did that…” 

He smiles and what he says next shocks you even more than his confession “I want to take you out.” 

“San… You just came inside me not even ten minutes ago.” 

“And?” you laugh and he shakes his head, leaning into your space again “I spent many years doing everything wrong, let me do it the right way.” 

“Making love to me one time and then taking me out on a date is not the right way, sir.” 

He nuzzles your cheek with his nose and you let out a pleased sigh “Who said it was just one time, huh?” Attacking your neck with his lips again, you push him away with a laugh. 

“Oh, come on!” 

He laughs as well “Give me ten minutes and I'll make it two!” 

San makes love to you two more times. And by four in the morning, you're snuggled into his arms and sleeping soundly. 

When you wake up and find the space next to you empty, you think it was all a dream. Your naked form begs to differ and you quickly put the t-shirt you usually wear to bed on and your panties underneath it to go out and face the feelings of your actions fighting with the blender in the kitchen. 

“How do you two live with this stupid thing?” 

“We don't,” you answer, startling him “We don't use it. What are you trying to make?” 

San’s shirtless, wearing his pants and his hair messy. Looking back at the living room clock, you see it's just five past ten. 

Smiling as he approaches you, you forget you must look a mess too when he pecks your lips and barely pulls away “Good morning, beautiful.” 

You pretend to cringe at that, pulling away “Oh, God. Morning, dumbass.” 

“You like it, you're blushing,” he points out and the pink on your cheek deepens as he's going back to the blender “Does anything work here?” 

“The microwave,” you shrug “And the stove. Were you trying to make yourself a…” you look over the ingredients he has pulled out of your fridge “Green juice?” 

“I was trying to make both of us a green juice,” he corrects and your heart skips at the immediate domestic attitude he has with you “But now I can tell neither of you drink anything like it, hm? I'm buying you a blender.” 

“Please don't.” 

“Why?” 

“Why do you think that one is broken?” 

He hums, huffing out a laugh seconds later and you walk over to him, unsure on how to approach him even though what you did yesterday night and earlier this morning didn't allow your shyness to step in. 

Now you're feeling it. 

He can tell, because he stops fighting with the steel appliances to grab your waist and pull you close “I wanted to make you breakfast.” 

“We can make breakfast together and I can order your green juice,” you compromise and he nods, but he doesn't let you go “And later we can go out on that date you promised me yesterday and we can go over what we're going to tell the two idiots.” 

His smile drops. 

“Oh, fuck.” 

Grimacing, you nod “It was the second thing I thought about after waking up.” 

“What was the first?” 

“Oh, I was trying to remember if you ever asked me to dance before,” he nods with a smile “Guess what? You didn't.” 

He fake gasps at that “I did!” 

“No, you didn't!” 

“Babe, yes I did,” he insists and you laugh, which prompts him to wrap his hands around you tighter when you try to get away from him “It was when—” 

“Oh. My. God. I'm going to be sick again.” 

Now when the fuck did Gyuri come back. 

And why is Wooyoung with her too, jaw slack as he watches both of you pull away from each other and create a safe distance that doesn't help whatever your best friends just saw. 

“It worked?” he asks and you can barely hear him until he hollers like a crazy person “Oh, it worked! I am a genius!” 

“Wooyoung, hold me! I'm going to kill them!” Gyuri looks like she's about to launch towards you at any second now, so you close your eyes and accept your fate. But nothing happens “Wait— What worked?” 

When you open them again, San is hiding behind you and Gyuri’s back is to both of you as she looks at Wooyoung with, what you assume, murderous intentions. 

“Gyuri, let's talk about this,” the black haired guy puts his hands up “You were too drunk to discuss it so I made the choice of— Gyuri, no!” 

You burst into laughter when she starts chasing him around the apartment and San giggles as well, only more nervous than delighted by their little cat and mouse game. 

He's probably sensing he's next on her hit list. 

As if you would let anything happen to him in the first place. 

“Stop, stop! I'm sorry, please leave me alone!” you hear Wooyoung’s voice echoing through your hall and in a second he's entering the kitchen, rounding you and San “I'm so happy for you guys, really, this was meant to happ— Stop!” He cries when Gyur catches onto him and yanks his hair to stop him from running.  

“Y/N,” she starts, chest heaving and you take a step back, crashing into San’s chest. He holds onto you only to push you a little and protect himself from the fury of your best friend “When I told you fuck him I didn't meant this!” 

“I know.” 

Wooyoung whines but he can't get away from her grasp so he just accepts it and pouts like a child. 

“A-and you!” She points towards the guy resting his chin on your shoulder “How dare you! If this is something casual for you then—” 

“I love her.” He defends himself quickly and your heart all but stops at that. 

“You do?” Wooyoung coos, amazed at his best friend’s confession. 

Gyuri's anger falters at that. 

“You… You do?” 

“And I love him,” you let out in a shy whisper, smiling a bit “But you already knew that.” 

“Of course I already knew that, bitch, I am your other half,” she makes a point to stare at San as she says it, letting Wooyoung go and he massages the part of his scalp that was targeted by his ex “Don't forget that.” 

“Y-yes ma'am.” 

You laugh again and Woo joins the embrace, eyeing you both expectantly and rolling his eyes when neither of you say anything to him “Well, you are so welcome guys. What are we having for breakfast?” 

You and San don't get to go out on that date. 

But when you do, he asks you to be his girlfriend the next day. 

And when you say yes he almost breaks down in excited tears.

Eventually, even Gyuri comes around and threatens him into treating you right, which means he earned her seal of approval. 

You delete the document on your laptop when you find it a month into being his girlfriend and, instead, start drafting your new beginning on it, in first person this time because the story doesn't feel like it belongs to someone else now.

The first line read as it follows: 

How did I ever think San and I could be just friends? 

If you read all the way down here: THANK YOU SO MUCH. Any feedback would be greatly appreciated!

© jensthwa, 2024.

[lamnwar]

KNB boys getting caught with their s/o? Specifically Kagami, Kise and Aomine.

getting caught doing what hm? 🤨 jk jk!! that's a very fun request I really enjoyed writing these hcs so thanks for the request babe 💕💕 (also sorry took me so long but coming from me are we surprised lmao)

MDNI 18+

GETTING CAUGHT // KNB Headcanons

Context: what if you and your boyfriend get caught in action, huh? All characters are aged-up for plot purposes (18+).

Pairings: Kagami + Kise + Aomine x gn! Reader

Warnings: nsfw (obviously 😭)! mention of sex (penetrative and oral), exhibitionism, public sex (kinda), more crack than sexy tbh but still!

KAGAMI

Ok first, let's preface by saying that it really is not like Taiga to take the risk of having sex when he knows you guys might get caught

He really tries his best to conceal his needs till you can find a place with enough intimacy to proceed

But sometimes, he really can't help it, you know?

And it's kinda on you for tempting him too! You know the guy gets riled up easily so maybe you did it on purpose now... didn't you?

(In other words, it's a 100% your fault oops)

Anyways, long story short, you got him so turned on that he had no choice but to drag you to the closest room with the very clear intent of being burried deep inside you

He's midway through restlessly thrusting into your tight little hole and he's so lost on the feeling that he doesn't even realize how loud the both of you are

There could be a whole party going down, y'all would still be heard

And it doesn't take long for someone to walk in on you bend forward, Kagami's fat cock drilling into you with so much fervour

Neither of you realizes that someone's there till they make themselves heard

A string of "oh my fucking god, I'm so sorry!!" getting the both of you to look at the door with wide eyes

And Kagami is so stunned on the moment to even think

Under the surprise, his first reflex is to hide his dick completely inside you, getting a surprised yelp out of your mouth

And when it hits that you guys got caught, he goes flushed red

Given that the person catching you isn't a perv, they close the door rapidly after but Kagami is still under total shock

He doesn't move for a while, and you have to bring him back to Earth

So here you are, Taiga's dick deep in your guts, trying to move to get him to react or something

"Uh... Taiga? What-"

When he finally snaps out of it, he hurrily gets out of you, quite to your displeasure though

And it's when you grab him and pull him back to you that he realizes that you have no intention to stop, despite getting caught

"They already know anyways, doesn't change a thing"

KISE

Definitely the one that got you in that situation in the first place

LISTEN there's no way he's not gonna use his charms to get you to follow him in his ministrations

So he just had to bat his pretty eyelashes and tell you the right words for you to accept the position you're currently in

Meaning split in half by Kise, as he lets out the prettiest moans ever, like there's not a whole crowd on the over side of the wall

It doesn't take long for people to notice what you two are doing

But that doesn't stop Kise, oh no haha

He's a showman of sorts, so it doesn't bother him that to the surrounding, it is clear as day that he's fucking you senseless

Only when someone actually shows up to tell you to stop does he care

And not because he minds being seen in such position

Mainly because you seem very embarrassed that you've got caught

Kise would argue that you are at your hottest when your face's flushed, hair disheveled, body contorsioned to accomodate him in between your thighs, but that's Kise's very biased opinion

To a stranger, it's a rather scandalous sight so it's very likely that you'll hate being in such predicament

Lucky for you, Kise talks the way out of trouble for the two of you

But you still urge him to leave the place and go to somewhere we're it's actually acceptable to have sex

(He loves you so much and is so needy for you though, he can't even stand the drive back home, he'll go back deep into you in the car itself <3)

AOMINE

Alright for this one, if you're wondering how you ended up having public sex, the answer is rather simple

Daiki and you are just super horny and can't keep it in your pants (sorry 😔)

It's really in the heat of the moment y'all figured that nothing mattered

Not even the fact that you're giving him head in a very public space

He's just so tempting, you know!!

And he's been looking at your lips for the past hour, so you should have known that he'd end up begging for you to suck his dick

So you just found the first place where you could get on your knees and didn't hesitate twice before getting him out of his pants

Now here you are, sloppily giving him the best head of his life with a bunch of strangers around

I'd like to say that neither of you are exhibitionist but this situation is somewhat super hot

(Again, y'all are just super horny)

Anyways, doesn't take long for you two to get caught and nearly cause a heart attack to whoever sees you

Thing is!! Aomine has no intention to stop

You neither, by the way

You're both on a mission to make him cum so you're not stopping

Instead, you pick up the pace, till he finally snaps and cum down your throat

Swallowing it all because you shouldn't leave any trace!

Once that's done, you do apologize to your surrounding

Takes a couple of hours for you two to realize what you've done and that it's lowkey a public offense

Promise that it won't happen again but Aomine really can't help wanting you anytime and anywhere :)

[dom1re]

Hi 👋🏽 I so admire your arts too!! If it’s ok, I’d love to know more about your approach to shading and rendering. I always find your use of colour so calming and complementary. 💖💖

Whereas I tend to be over saturated and why I often draw in greyscale

When I read that you liked my arts too I died. I was down on the floor. Crying tears of joy. Then I realized I have a response to draft so I got up.

So here ya go!! I hope you find something interesting here. I organized it into 3 parts for easier reading:

Rendering Overview

Picking Colors

Shading (or winging it and hoping for the best)

Also if anyone has any tips I'm all ears!! I’m always trying to optimize my process, make it quicker + cleaner

Rendering Overview

My current rendering process on Procreate (click and swipe):

1. Rough sketches

This is where I try to get the anatomy and pose right. I can get up to 3 reps in here depending on how refined I want it to be. Yep I care a lot about my lines...

2. Clean line

... coz it's my favorite part!! I get such a dopamine rush seeing the sketches come together into a clean line lol. Here I use the Selection Tool and Liquify to resize and adjust the forms (gotta move away from doing this too much tho)

3. Color

First I create a flat base layer and color over it using Clipping Mask (pretty standard I think). Then I divvy my drawing into as many layers as possible - one each for skin, hair, shirt, waistcoat, trousers, etc - as I color them all. More on this below.

4. Shade

ewww shading... my least favorite part. I use Multiply layers and gray colors, again pretty standard. I usually have 1-3 layers here, stacked on one another, depending on the desired depth. More on this below.

5. Finishing touches

This stage involves a lot of small (but important imo) things, which vary depending on the drawing:

Tinting lines (Because shading makes the colors darker, lines need to get darker too)

Highlights on hair, face, clothes, eyes, etc. I can never make up my mind between Overlay/Hard Light/Soft Light layers for this

Little wisps of hair or lighting effects 

and voila I have something to share with the world. wooo

Picking Colors

Ok about my colors… I wish I had some fancy technique to show but tbh I just eyeball them and try them out a bunch. Now if I’m using a reference I could use the color picker, but I don't like to coz the results are way off for whatever reasons (ex. lighting in the img). Anyways it doesn’t have to be the same color as the reference; as long as the colors “make sense” to me I'm happy.

But what if the colors I chose are too saturated or too dark? I use the Adjustment Tools for this. I can just select the layer (or an area using the Selection Tool) and edit its darkness and saturation. I found this way easier than painting over or color-dropping repeatedly.

This is why I leverage as many layers as possible. It allows a modular control on my rendering - I can change the color of my character’s skin, eyes, or waistcoat patterns and keep all other components unaffected and clean. Sometimes I have like 100+ layers and it drives me batshit crazy but the pros still outweigh the cons. Or so I tell myself

( + I would love to understand grayscale and use it as freely as u do. I watched bunch of vids on it but something about it just hasn’t stuck with me yet 😔)

Shading I guess

Similar to coloring, I create several Multiply layers and stack them together for depth. For example:

This is again for that modular control but honestly I wouldn't be doing this if I was good at shading... I feel so lost every time, I just don't know how it works. But one ‘hack’ I’ve come up with is shading skins and clothes differently. I use reddish gray for skin (and brown/red hair), and just gray for everything else.

The character feels more lively and natural with a bit of red undertones in their skin. I don't think this is the best way to render skins though. Just a little shortcut til I get to study the topic more.

Something else I do to get over my fear of shading is using good references. I’m always lurking on Pinterest for them but alas, I can’t always find that perfect image with perfect lighting and poses. It’s kinda sad funny how the quality of my rendering depends so much on the reference:

(it's not a 'bad' reference per se - I chose it really for the pose, not for shading)

At the end of the day tho I’m just a learning artist so I try not to be too harsh on myself. Someday I'll render shiny shoes and shirt creases without refs. I yearn for that day 

Well on that cheerful note thanks for coming to my Ted Talk your interest in my rendering approach! I’ve been wanting to document it for my own records so this was great.

I picked up digital illustration just last year and self-learning it has been a fun but lonely process. If you have any tips or more questions talk to me ANYONE PLEASE I’m dying to talk about it if you can't tell by the sheer length of this post. For which I'm sorry but hopefully it wasn’t too dense a read ok I’m really done now bye!! 

[gabessquishytum]

(not super sure about triggers on this one. It’s probably dub-con?)

woah, I loved your addition to my previous ask, how you added Dream and Hob taking care of Robyn!

It got me thinking about next time Robyn gets drunk. Dream and Hob put him to bed and tuck him in, and Hob immediately starts kissing Dream. He’s a bit eager, he’s been waiting for hours for Dream and Robyn to come back, and as making out transitions to hands slipping under clothes Dream has an idea: why bother sneaking away to Hob’s bedroom? Dream wouldn't have let Robyn drink himself into a coma, but it was a near thing. He's out cold.

So they just fuck right there, in Robyn’s narrow little bed, beside him and half on top of him, and having to avoid making too much noise or jostling him too much is both tricky and terribly exciting, the fear of getting caught is such a turn-on… so they get a bit carried away. They manage to clean up and look presentable by morning, but the sheets are covered in cum and drenched in sweat. They can’t change them without waking Robyn, so they just go to bed, Dream beside Robyn and Hob in his own bed, deciding they’ll just think of something later.

When Robyn wakes up and finds Dream sleeping half-naked beside him, the bed a mess, he wakes him and asks what happened. Dream just says he got horny, Robyn was sleeping and so he took care of himself. Multiple times. Robyn believes every word and is in fact very sorry about it all! “I’m so sorry for leaving you hanging... I shouldn’t have drunk so much.” And Dream, well, Dream gets an idea. “Well,” Dream says, “If it happens again I could just fuck you in your sleep. Only if you want me to, of course.” And Robyn of course says yes! He wants to please Dream best he can, Dream is so good to him after all!

(this is where it gets extra fucked-up: tw non-con drug use… also, maybe this is considered incest-adjacent? I’m not sure tbh)

Dream does his research, before taking Robyn out again. Figures out exactly what to slip into Robyn's drink to make sure he's 100% out cold. Nothing actually dangerous, of course! He wouldn't hurt Robyn (Hob would kill him), he just wants him completely out of it for the night. Sure enough, when they go out again, midway through the night, once Robyn is well over tipsy Dream slips something into his next drink and not long after Robyn starts nodding off, and Dream takes him home.

Hob helps him carry Robyn, now unconscious, upstairs. Dream has Robyn’s permission, and knows Hob overheard the conversation, so he strips Robyn naked, lays him on his bed on his stomach and props him up on a couple pillows so his arse is nice and up in the air, and undresses himself. He stands at the end of Robyn’s bed and starts opening him up, bending half on top of him, his own ass in full view of Hob. Hob watches, as always, but he’s a bit puzzled by this development: he thought Dream wanted Robyn out so Hob could have Dream for the night...

Dream just smiles knowingly, and after getting Robyn ready he sticks his cock inside him, then pulls out his own plug, showing Hob his hole lubed up and ready.

"Well, Hob Gadling? This way you can do to me everything I do to your son... move for move."

As soon as Hob gets what Dream has in mind, he doesn't need to be told twice, and fills Dream up to the hilt.

Dream is in heaven. It's hard not to cum on the spot. He has Robyn's tight little ass around him and Hob's massive cock inside him. He tries thrusting into Robyn, and Hob matches him thrust for thrust a moment later. As he tries different things, he realizes he can use Hob. He fucks hard into Robyn? Hob does the same to him. Pulls Robyn's hair, pinches his nipples, adds a finger inside him alongside his own cock? Hob does it to him. Dream is pretty excited about this, but he also can’t help but be a bit disappointed: he thought Hob was much tougher than his son…

And then it hits him: he slaps Robyn’s ass, hard as he can, and Hob does the same to him… but with a much bigger, stronger hand. Dream tears up a little. He feels Hob smile against his neck. A little scared but mostly aroused, Dream gives Robyn’s balls a good tug, then has to bite Robyn’s shoulder to muffle a scream when Hob does the same to him, but harder. Then, of course Hob’s teeth sink into his shoulder, and it hurts so bad he thinks he might be bleeding for a second… but it feels SO good. Dream babbles a question, and Hob just chuckles and explains that, after all, he wouldn’t want Dream to think he can just do whatever to his son, and if this arrangement gets Dream so bold perhaps everything he does to Robyn Hob should do to him twice as hard.

Hob absolutely means this as a deterrent: though he knows Dream is a bit of a slut who likes it rough, he’s sure he’ll show him rough, and that way get him to behave easily enough (just behave a little bit, mind you, just so Dream doesn’t literally walk all over sweet, innocent, people-pleaser Robyn). But the thing is… Dream is elated by this development, and it will only incentivize his devious behaviour rather than discourage it.

Thankfully, Robyn is still a little out of sorts in the morning, and very happy that he didn't "leave Dream hanging" this time since he feels as thoroughly fucked out as Dream looks, even if he doesn’t remember anything, so he doesn't notice he and Dream have identical bite marks on their right shoulders before Dream puts on a shirt.

-PA

HI AGAIN PA ANON! Here is the link to the initial ask about Dream fucking Hob literally behind Robyn's back...

This is an amazing addition. And since Hob and Dream have managed to get away with their awful, reprehensible behaviour, I can only imagine that they grow more confident in their debauchery...

See, Dream is a little weary of fucking Robyn while he's unconscious. As fun as it is, and as much pleasure he garners from it (as he's also being fucked by Hob at the same time) it's just. A bit dull. Robyn doesn't move or squirm or do anything, he doesn't moan or react in any way. Dream wants more from him. So, he decides to further take advantage of Robyn's sweet people-pleasing tendencies. He asks Robyn if they can spice things up even more - he'd really love to introduce bondage and blindfolds into their sex life. Sweet Robyn, who wants nothing more than to please his lovely boyfriend Dream, immediately agrees to try!

And so, Dream gets him all set up. He ties Robyn up, spread-eagled on the small bed. And he carefully ties a blindfold over his face. It's a high quality piece of kit, designed not to slip off - Hob purchased it himself, sparing no expense. Dream gets started on Robyn, fingering him open and then beginning to fuck him. When Robyn is suitably caught up in the moment, Hob moves from the edge of the room (where he had been watching) and joins the party.

It's even better than when Robyn was unconscious. He makes all his cute little noises, he squirms and clenches around Dream’s cock. All while completely oblivious to the fact that his father is watching and participating, fucking Dream so hard that it ricochets right into Robyn's body too. Dream is having the time of his life between the two of them, and the best part is the absolutely filthy illicitness of the act. If the blindfold was to slip down, Robyn would come face to face with the sight of his dad fucking his boyfriend. Its so fucked up, it just makes Dream want to cum.

Fortunately Robyn enters sub-space so he doesn't really register anything that happens after the blindfold comes off. He doesn't notice the cum sliding out of Dream’s ruined hole. He doesn't notice the faint scent of a familiar cologne. He's just happy that he made Dream happy. Not to mention that his dad seems to be extra affectionate that evening after Dream goes home. He makes Robyn his favourite food for dinner and they cuddle on the couch afterwards for the first time in years - Robyn is glad, he was feeling kind of bad. He's been spending so much time with Dream lately, he wouldn't want his dad to get lonely...

[uniformbravo]

since i've spent the past few days essentially staring at nothing but natsuyuu volume covers i thought it'd be so fun and silly to try and redraw them all from memory tee hee. all 30 (thirty) (三十) of them!!! wheee!!!!

i haven't actually looked at them next to the originals yet so guess what time it is!!!! LET'S COMPARE

starting with volume 1. iconic. show stopping. masterpiece. the mona lisa of natsuyuu SURELY i reproduced every single detail perfectly such that it kickstarts my career as a forgery artist RIGHT

well feast ur eyes

(im using the english volumes for comparison btw they have a good clear view of the art)

CAN U TELL WHICH IS WHICH OOO THEYRE SO ALIKE BET U CANT!!! SPOT THE DIFFERENCE LEVEL 1000 WHICH ONE DO U SHOOT

all i remembered for this one was GREEN and it's not even the right shade of green ajgosugdjfkdgj i even made the fuckin. what do u call it. i'll just say yukata??? I MADE IT GREEN AND ITS SUPPOSED TO BE RED i stg if u held a gun to my head & asked if there was any red on vol 1 i'd be DEAD

but i remembered the book of friends is like. weirdly purple? ok well in this pic it looks p gray BUT ON OTHER COPIES...... IF U UP THE SATURATION GKSJKDNFKDG

why is nyanko sensei smack dab in the middle HUH i couldve sworn he was bottom left this is so fucked up and scary. haunted manga volume??????? i bought it from a grarage sale idk you guys-

at least natsume's pose is like kind of right but also that's most definitely a complete accident i can ASSURE u (im rereading this the next day and the pose isnt even CLOSE what are u TALKING ABOUT)

anyway can i just fucking point out the kanji on the book of friends bc that is from MEMORY YEEHAW here's what it's Supposed to look like: 友人帳

LIKE even tho i got the last one wrong ITS LIKE STILL PRETTY CLOSE??? i think i deserve 100 points for this objectively

MOVING ON THO....

OK NOT AS BAD AS I THOUGHT SURPRISINGLY im actually like. i thought i bombed this one completely but liKE THE COMPOSITION??? KIND OF ON POINT. KIND OF GENIUS TBH

i remembered Blue and Madara and like what else do u need rly. butterflies are optional in all scenarios imo

also i NEVER have any idea what natsume's wearing in any of these so i always just like default throw him into his school uniform LMAO u will see a pattern

why is the book of friends burgundy in this one btw. it was GRAY i mean purple definitely purple aha

ok volume 3 im actually scared for i know i fucked up SOMETHING

HGLKFKGLKFKGFN OK!!!!! OK NOT SUPER AWFUL!!!! just noticed i forgor to color the book of friends fukg

main thing i remembered abt this one was the color of natsume's... attire.... and which characters were present. whats sensei doing all the way up in the top corner tho 0/10

return of the school uniform lmaooooo hm. irrelevant who cares plus didnt ask. all things considered this wasn't as bad as i thought. THE NEXT ONE HOWEVER,

hsngjfgnfjn okayyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

sensei's way cuter in this one than i realized wait wtf this cover's cute af how did i never notice. underrated cover -10 @ me. look at his lil BLEP >:O!!!!!!!

i knew there was some fuckshit going on w the yukata in this one ourhg i was just like hehe greeennnn also sensei's there. my work here is done

what is natsume's pose even hgnkg i was straight up making shit up at this point LIKE the first 6 or so covers are SO hard for me to distinguish in my head i should get a free pass for the poses in all of them like i can do whatever i want IM the artist now

oh god whats next vol 5

OK!!!! like a straight 5/10 TBH i literally forgot i was planning on rating these LMAO

i remembered the like white v-neck shirt thing and his pose kind of??? i had NO idea what to do for the yukata tho i just made it orange and u know what?? close enough. my rule of thumb is just like pick a color and then throw flowers all over it u cant go wrong

taki looks so much more mysterious on the original and also wearing a skirt. i gave her a big stick bc i thought i remembered her having one in general but i think i made that up tbh wouldn't put it past me. got her hat right tho hee haw

cant believe i didn't get natsume's beautiful artwork tho look at that little shit sensei up there god hes so ROUMD literally moma material

PROBABLY my best one yet uhhhh but i maybe cheated JUST a little for this one ITS LIKE BARELY CHEATING STOP BOOING ME

as i was toying w the idea of doing this redraw thing i was still working on collecting my Images and Pictures so i kinda started taking note of a few small things here & there and one of them was just. the general gist of this cover SO LIKE that's why it's so good LOL

forgor the flowers tho. i literally forget everything that isn't a character like immediately BUT OK CUT ME SOME SLACK like after a point the covers start being whole ass scenes which are SO much easier to remember shit abt than the fuckin Green Void (p sure this is the last green void cover tho)

8/10 composition is gr8 but details like the shirt & the yellow flowers are wrong, also the stick is backwards. i literally looked up what that thing is called and forgot already tee hee

OK WE'RE NOT DONE W THE GREEN VOID I REPEAT-

fuck dude. fuck. i rly thought vol 6 was the last one LOL not to spoil but as i was grabbing these images i saw a Preview of what's to come and the green void lasts until fuckign volume TEN LOL collapses onto the ground and dies

so erhermrm this is vol 7 lolllll i remembered the bg flowers this time can u believe hahaha distracts u from the fact that LITERALLY everything else is wrong auhghg

u know what the green void turned into bushes and i think that's beautiful.... like points for creativity on my part tbh. like to be completely honest. 3/10 i got the characters right

YO????? GATE CONFIRMED LET'S GO?????? it's definitely the school gate but i choose to believe natsume & tanuma r in jail for crimes and u should too

actually this is shockingly accurate for how much i goddamn struggled w this one gkjsldkg the CHARACTERS are right the OUTFITS are right SENSEI'S THERE urgh i knew one of these covers had tanuma holding sensei like that but i couldn't remember Which

i can't believe i actually got tanuma's pose that close i rly thought i was bullshitting w that one wtf. +5 points instantly

do u like how i just scribbled sensei wherever lmaoooo i drew natsume & tanuma & went like. i think sensei's in this one. PLOP

6/10 honestly closer than i thought

OK........ I SEE........ literally dies

this one i was getting MASSIVELY confused w vol 4 bc i could remember nothing distinct abt either of them except Green and natsume w Big Doggie

i remembered the BARE essentials of the composition but not much else... since i thought the green void was gone i put the green i remembered into natsume's yukata (and then put him in the school uniform again LOL) and went WELP. GUESS I'LL DIE NOW

2/10 honestly one of the worst fucking ones lskdjflsdkg

OK THIS ONE.... i almost died irl trying to remember this shit, even before i started and i was still viewing the covers i was like there is no way in HELL im remembering this shit for vol 10. and i was right

like. Purple. White Mask. Antlers. WILD layered clothing. at first i drew the mask as an actual deer skull but later had a straight up epiphany and redrew it like that which... still not correct but I MEAN.... IT'S PRETTY GOOD

i cant believe most of the purple is the bg oughgh his clothes are WHITE..... this is fucked up. i DID remember the stick tho, bells and everything!! actually bells and nothing else!!!

7/10 ok it might seem high but CONSIDERING this design..... i think i did shockingly well TBH

NOT...... the worst...... one....... i could've sworn he was sitting on a pile of books this is so sad that woulda been so cute 😭

for a second when i saw the real cover again i thought he was sitting ON the bookshelf and i was about to RIOT but its okay it's a step stool. still physically possible

my version of natsume here is so much more like Proper gksld he looks like a school boy... studying in the academy's library... hardworking student.... but no the real one is just sitting there like a wet puppy orz he's not even READING i rly thought he was reading. this is such a huge L

cannot fucking believe i was right abt the window tho. like wrong shape but the fact that it's even there.... giving myself a whole ass point for that one

5/10 i rly thought i nailed this one gksgndfkj

also RIP TO THE GREEN VOID U WILL NOT BE MISSED o7

ah shit ok. well one of them was in the school uniform at least fjgugjdkf

why is my natsume lying there like hes abt to start a therapy session, boy would NEVER-

also the plushie hmnmhnmhngnf i dont KNOW i knew there was some kind of prop there but like gun to my head i woulda died again. main colors that stood out to me for this were green and that bluish purple so i got those into mine but i mean. well u can see

once again a random window in the bg i got correct let's gooooo 5/10

LMAO SPITS OUT MY DRINK WHOOPSIE!!!!!!

this is so fucking bad im choking im gurgling LOLLLL i was SO sure natsume's paper had an eye on it i was POSITIVE this is so fucked up. i mean obvs i picked that up from sensei but like i didn't even KNOW sensei was there. or that there were bg characters at all uuuuuououohghh (matoba ignored +5)

i was like. black yukata red flowers CHECK piece of paper w eye CHECK horns CHECK i even went back and edited the horns to be more accurate i was so proud of myself sobs

ok but i knew it was shit trasjh when those were the ONLY details i could remember bc obviously there was gonna be more going on I JUST DIDN'T REALIZE HOW MUCH MORE.....

straight up dookie/10 no jk fr like 3/10 @ me u need to use ur EYES

OK..... I WAS VERY CONFIDENT ABT THIS ONE..... except for his outfit i knew i was bullshitting that BUT I THOUGHT I NAILED THIS ONE....... the one fucking time i didn't just default to his uniform LMFAO

even remembered the pink flower ball smh and for WHAT. i knew he was sitting in a pile of plushies & blankets or smth but no way in HELL was i even gonna attempt to draw them with a speck of detail. but HEY the plushie i drew for vol 12!!! i knew he existed Somewhere. he doesn't even have a horn tho thats so fucked up i thought he did

obviously the most striking thing abt this cover is the bg w that deep burgundy & the circular window so that was the main thing i nailed down right away (my palette was more muted tho). also natsume sitting there w paper in his mouth but i thought he was mid return when rly hes playing like keep-the-balloon-off-the-floor or whatever the fuck he's doing. i love u natsume

(if i thought he was in the middle of returning a name WHY didn't i include the actual book of friends flksglkd automatic fake fan/10)

8/10 this was like my ace in the hole i was like if i got nothing else i got U volume 14!!! and then

NOT THE FAMILY PHOTO......... FUCKING DIES

man idk shit just end me. whats even going on in this cover im gonna deck u natori. dont ask why this makes me want to commit violence hes just so. URHGHGHnH

i dont know whats happening to me rn looking at this im losing my fucking grip dude who let this happen im gonna hurl this volume into the sun??? i think???

why did i add the other two youkai i just thought they should be included but i played myself i had to draw them from memory and for WHAT. pls tell me i got them at least a little bit right i stg

it's the crossed legts dude if he was just sitting there like a board the way i drew him id be like ah shit it was just natori sitting not natsume too but he just HAS to cross his legs and the fucing elbow propped up holding the glasses im S MAD IM SO MADdestroy him

it's 1am i gotta go. i have to go. right now my mom is calling me i have to fukcng. 4/10 i got the couch colorr right. bye

---

tumglr...... only allows 30 pictures per post..... bc im not on desktop? or is that a site-wide thing now. in any case this is getting long so i think im gonna split it right down the middle into 2 posts so there u go, first 15 volumes. so far my score is ermmm

well i didn't rate the first few volumes.

vol 1: 6/10 decent

vol 2: 6/10 also decent

vol 3: 5/10 composition is Scramboled

vol 4: 2/10 it's SO BAD

so now my overall score is 74/150 fjggudjofjdkgjk doing gr8!!!!!!!!!

ok bye for real ✌️

[angelosearch]

Once you get this, you have to say five things you like about yourself, publicly. Then you have to send this to ten of your favourite followers (non-negotiable, positivity is cool~) 🌈🌈

First off, thanks for this! ❤️ yaaaay an ask game!!!

Second... OH MY GOD five things Iike about myself?! This is going to be hard. But my therapist would be so happy to know I've been given this challenge, haha.

And of course, I have to provide details and addendums to these because I have to treat everything like a personal essay. Ugh.

I am a loud cringe nerd

I have fun facts for days, if not weeks

Music is my religion

I bet I can make you laugh

I understand my narrative

Longer answers under the cut.

I am not afraid to show enthusiasm/honesty and be loud. You know the part of your brain that tells you to not do embarrassing/cringe/over-the-top-thing before you do it? I am not going to try and diagnose it but that literally does not exist for me. I will sing along loudly to songs in public; I am the person at a wedding who never leaves the dancefloor; I dress in bright colors and wear the weirdest prints; I will laugh or cry uncontrollably if the moment calls for it. I am incapable of holding back positivity and excitement. I will gush about how great something or someone is. If I like your shoes, I am 100% going to tell you, no fear. All of this can make life really fun. It attracts people with good energy into my orbit. It makes me feel like the last thing I am is boring - but I also go home and regret every minute of it because of the second-hand embarrassment later. Somehow all these things are wrong to do in my head (even though I am never moved like this by negativity, fear, or hate), yet I cannot stop myself from doing them. I loathe that I am a book with a broken spine that cannot stay closed. I hate every inch of space I take up. I cannot stop being vulnerable which is great for therapy but not so great for being a normal, functioning adult. I fear sometimes that people think that I believe my thoughts are all-important because I share them all. Nope. I just literally have no choice in the matter. The thoughts and actions pop into my head and they must be heard/done.

I am an endless fountain of "fun" facts because I am interested in a lot of stuff and love to learn. I think "did you know that..." is my most used phase. If I have a fun fact on a subject, you will know (it's something else I feel I have no control over). My hand will be up if I don't just blurt it out. And I am always rolling them up in my Katamari-Ball brain, listening to podcasts, reading articles, watching documentaries, and other videos. I remember these weird fringe things but then I will forget your name and your job. Don't tell me what you're into because I AM going to do a deep dive and suddenly be an expert in it. Tbh it's a great skill for a writer, but I am pretty sure it annoys people around me. Especially when all the fun facts are related to whatever I am obsessed with at the moment. You'll never guess what I have way too many fun facts about right now.

I connect with music, so strongly it's almost spiritual. Singing and listening to music have always been my go-to coping skills. I learned to drive very late in life (at 30 - but that is a story for another day) and at first I was a horribly anxious driver. But once I realized my car could become my little mobile box of music where I could just belt it out 24/7, I learned to love driving. Lyrics help me understand the prism of my experience and others. I love when songs make me dance, or cry, or give me goosebumps. My shower is my favorite place in my new house because of the great acoustics; plus, there is enough space to pull off an entire shower concert, complete with choreography. Concerts and karaoke make me feel like I am connected to the universe and everyone in the venue. I love my taste in music, which sounds weird, but I am just so proud of my eclectic taste. Also! I am mad skilled at identifying songs and artists and samples, probably because I have listened to so. Much. Music. The downside to this one is that I emotionally connect so thoroughly with every song that I enjoy that a bad association will make the song/artist or even the genre unbearable to listen to (see: country music). Also, some people in my life don't understand why I prioritize concerts so highly and are very critical of me for it. I can't help that a concert is the closest thing I have to a church!

I have a great sense of humor (or at least I think so). If you have followed me for more than two seconds, you have probably figured out that I am constantly attempting (and hopefully succeeding?) to be funny. I try VERY HARD to make people laugh. If you were to talk to me in real life, you'd quickly discover that I would come up with puns in our conversation like we're having a funny rap battle. My favorite tools are wordplay and re-contextualization but I also have quote upon quote and will use physical humor, too. The good thing is that I can make myself laugh, for sure. Like I said yesterday, I embody Chrysippus. A lot of comedians claim their jokes are hiding pain. I've recently realized that I use my humor a little differently--since my social anxiety has convinced me that no one in the world wants anything to do with me at any given moment, I use my jokes as sort of a litmus test. If you're laughing, there is a very strong chance that you don't actively hate me at that very moment. I think this strategy probably annoys people and probably comes off at inappropriate. Don't bring me to a funeral.

I can contextualize my personal story. Somewhere between taking autobiography/memoir and essay classes in college and over a decade of therapy, I've become exquisitely good at taking an event in my life or facet of my personality and placing it in the context of my life. Does that make sense? Like in high school English class I took so much joy out of reading a novel and analyzing character motivations and author intent and "why is the wallpaper yellow." I am still very good at reading something and identifying symbolism, but now I mostly use this same skill to look back at the story of my life and find patterns and connections. I think this will help me as an Art Therapist, and, if my personal essays and posts are actually any good, then it is helping me as a writer as well. But this is a double-edged sword in therapy. It means I can sit in the chair and practically therapize myself. But lives are not novels. We are not characters. Sometimes the wallpaper is just yellow. My over-cerebral approach to my understanding of self makes me come off as "not sick enough" in some settings--I've been told by peers and staff many times while in treatment, "Why are you here? You seem fine!" Well, the truth is, just because you understand why the monster is in the book, you can't always outrun it. Sure, it can help to know where the monster came from and why he's chasing you, but if you get too caught up in that it may slow you down. Or you will run the wrong way because you are so sure you understand him. Or you will run so well that no one will notice you are running at all.

[jokers-ghoul]

My thoughts on Love Syndrome: the Beginning because I cannot sleep.

This is purely based on what I watched as I've not read the stories.

The general story of what happens between Day and Itt is caused by Itt's bet with his friend Gear. From the synopsis, they're claiming Gear 🍇'd Night, but from what you see in the movie it seemed more consensual. Was it a lack of judgment? 100%. Did Night know that Gear was filming them? Doubtful. Especially when Night wakes up the next morning to see Gear hamming it up with his friends who are watching their night together.

Gear is literally despicable.

After 6 months, the two meet up again at a club that it seems Itt and Gear frequent as they're in what looks to be a VIP lounge. Night, from what I could infer, was there trying to make Gear regret what he did. However, as you see the night unfold, this plan seems built by Day to learn more about what happened between his brother and Gear. This is how Day finds out about Itt's involvement and how he comes up with his own plan to get Itt alone.

By this time, however, Gear's interest in Night is renewed as he claims that he will make him moan again to Itt before he goes to search for Night in the bathroom. Day takes this moment to crash his car into Itt's car, but what kills me is who in their right mind follows a stranger home to collect cash for car repair. Itt may be rich, but he definitely wasn't thinking clearly. Maybe it's a difference in culture, but you would never see someone doing that in the US.

You especially would not receive a drink from a stranger within that stranger's home and expect to walk out of there. Itt needs to watch crime shows more often, tbh. By the time Itt realizes that something is wrong, it's too late. We're talking about Day, clear connections to the mafia, and how he has all he will ever need to know about Itt including his full name and probably who he has slept with recently.

NGL I thought Day killed Itt until you see Itt waking up chained to Day's bed. It's clear that Day 🍇 Itt as payback for the bet that Itt made with Gear, however from the movie's standpoint this seems like overkill. At most, Gear did "win" his bet with Itt, but the circumstances between the two instances were vastly different. Was Night hurt that he was used? Yes. Did it qualify for the treatment that Itt received? No. Day could've just beat up Itt, but he went beyond that. From what I can tell, Itt seems to be straight in this series, so when Day 🍇 Itt -- I cannot even imagine how Itt must have felt.

Three days after meeting each other again, Night seems to have his own plan on how to deal with Gear, which involves spending all of his money when Gear asks if they can date. Despite this, Night seems to forget how Gear treated him after completing his bet with Itt and falls for Gear (assuming he wasn't already in love at the time of the bet). Seeing this happen pisses off Day, who tries to lock Night up inside their home, which doesn't last long due to Gear busting him out.

Night is off with Gear, Gus (who I didn't realize was Gear's brother), and Nin at Gear's family resort to escape from Day. This is more when you see how Gear's building love/interest in Night comes forward, but Night still keeps him at an arm's length. Night chooses to room with Gus, drags Gus to hang out, and only deviates when Gus decides he wants to room with Nin. This doesn't mean that Gear doesn't try to put some moves on Night.

Eventually, it's Night that requests to return home to face his brother. It's also around this time that the trio gets worried as none of them have heard from Itt while they've been at the resort. Which is how the movie ends. Day drags Itt to find Night at Gear's resort because Day finds Night's room empty at some point and deduces that it's because of Gear.

In my honest opinion, I would have never 1) fallen in love with someone who used me for a bet and 2) went back home to my crazy brother. I know Day probably is overprotective of Night because he raised him, but it's the way he protects him and harms those who harm Night that worries me. It's a convenient contrast to see Night and Day as brothers versus Gear and Gus; almost like a clear right versus wrong way to be brothers, lol.

Well, I'm starting to get tired-- soooooo, Night!

P.S. I realized where I'd seen the actor who played Night. He's NEMO from Even Sun. That is all 😂😂

[madamscream]

My typical way of experiencing... well, everything, if we're honest... is to avoid having any expectations. It's something I learned how to do, and I stick to it pretty well. While it was originally mostly a bulwark against a chaotic childhood making my lil autistic ass have to figure out how to do without any sort of routine, the most profound effect it has these days is drastically increasing my enjoyment of media.

The only time I find myself disappointed with something, in that sense, is when they do something that it literally would have been better to have done nothing at all. Solmare has managed to do this a few times.

And YET. Here I am. I think so much about Obey Me that I can't help but speculate, and I've gone and got my hopes up because I've realized that there are some really fucking cool things they could do. I'm feverish, so this might get long... gunna put it under a cut.

So. I started playing the OG Obey Me about a year and a half ago. The fourth season either came out right as I started, or was already out. I never was really effected by the wait time for the next season drop, and the limbo that left fans in, so I get that my perspective is different than most.

But my perspective is this: they had a cool story with some neat concepts, both story-wise meta game stuff, but the game play was so ass it could barely be called game play, the balancing is insane (I've scraped through the main story using countless glow sticks but most of the extra lessons are still beyond me will full teams of lvl 100+ cards), and they'd written themselves into several corners they didn't know how to get out of.

Then they released Nightbringer. It has it's issues, sure, but as a game? I enjoy it about 1000% more than OG. The story is one of being thrown back in time and trying to find your way home, which we managed last chapter. On April 13th, the game will have been out one year. I think that's when they'll drop the next season but...

It would be so wildly cool if they also merged the games. The MC's just returned to the timeline from OG, supposedly, though hadn't Solomon suggested that... y'know, everyone had noticed you disappearing? OG is at it's end of life. It's pretty clear they're going to shut it down at some point. I want, so so so badly, for 4/13 to hit, a massive update to be available, and the entirety of OG's story line to have been ported to NB. I want the accounts to merge together. I want to have all my cards and I want there to be a new Nightmare chapter with all the old cards from OG and I want the plot moving forward to be a mess of scrambled timeline shit, trying to figure out who NB is, and stress. From a game dev perspective, they have the chance to do something so so wildly awesome and I KNOW they won't. I KNOW I'm going to be disappointed. But FUCK it'd be cool...

I have so many ideas on how it could be done... and I'm well aware it'd probably piss a lot of people off still, but people are pissed off anyways. I think it'd make more people happy than it did angry.

And I know some people don't like Ruri-tunes but like... at least it's a game. I'm no huge fan of rhythm games tbh. I honestly hated them before Ruri-tunes, but I disliked the dance battles so much that I've started liking rhythm games more just because it was suck an upgrade imo

Anyways. That's the end of my rant. I want them to do meta shit that ties into their story basically. Thank you for coming to Mal's fever talk.

[noa-ciharu]

Hokuto?

HER 💕

Sexuality headcanon:

I think it's canon she's bi? In TB she definitely mentioned going out on dates with girls. But I think she mentioned boys too at some point. So yep, bi. TB has 0 straight main characters 🌈 (tbf most clamp mangas have straight characters as minority)

Gender headcanon:

If it were any other author I would have headcanoned her as trans but clamp has very clear way of showing nb/agender/trans characters (like Ashura, Nataku, Hana, half of Wish cast etc.) and Hokuto doesn't fit in that criterium. So cis female

OTP:

I don't think I have any? 🤔 ofc she has a semi-canon 'love interest' but I'm not 100% certain she saw Kakyou in romantic manner. Or that if she did, he was her 'special person'. I think issue is that TB ended in 1993 while Kakyou showed up around vol 8 of X which was years later. If clamp found way to include Kakyou somehow in TB, even if just a cameo, I bet their relationship would have been much more effective. As far as fanon (fanarts, fics and headcanons) goes, I'm all for their ship.

There are probably crack ships like Hokuto/Tomoyo or Hokuto/Kotori etc. which I wouldn't mind reading. But i generally prefer canon-based stuff

BROTP:

TB trio my beloved ❤ honestly she maintained the balance between Seishirou and Subaru. She had just right amount of empathy to understand Subaru and offer him comfort in way he needed the most; but also just right amount of selfishness to pull through and try to make her own wishes reality (including her final wish 😭). I adore how physical touch was handled between twins, Subaru would be really touch starved without Hokuto. Also how she tried to bring his spirit up and make him stand out (hence fashionable clothes) and encouraged Subaru to want things for himself for once. Just unfortunately that one backfired spectacularly

And ofc Hokuto's bond with Seishirou. Tbf whole analysis could be written there bc she kept things light most of the time and Seishirou's pretense reached it's peak when interacting with her. However Hokuto is far from gullible (nor is she blinded by kindness and love like her brother), she intuitively knew something wasn't right about Seishirou. That one scene where she put knife under his neck and said she'd kill him if he ever made Subaru cry 🙏😭 queen kept her promise

Also I've just realized Hokuto was baby girling Sei-chan before fandom even got the chance

NOTP:

Who is she shipped with even beside Kakyou and random crack ships with teen girls forn other series? 🤔

Random headcanon:

Look. Wee need this. Hokuto dressing up as Subaru and making ruckus around town. Or twins switching clothing and playing game of who is who. I think it was mentioned they've done that as kids.

And now I've just realized she did dress up as Subaru one finally time... when she went to find Seishirou 😭

General opinion:

CLAMP WHY 😭😭😭

I'll never not want post TB AU where she's alive. Tbh, first time I read TB I thought her death was rushed and badly written. Mostly because it so easily could have been avoided. And then it hit me - that's exactly the core of tragedy; ending was actually amazingly written. That's probably part of why Subaru could never move on (beside his low self esteem and countless other reasons): he blames hinself because he believes she died for him and if he wasn't so weak her death could have been avoided easily

Still, despite the angst i wouldn't have changed a thing bc precisely her easily avoided death adds to the tragedy and makes manga hit so hard

[hirokiyuu]

Hello! Saw your last post and got me thinking: What do you think Vace and Lin would be like as parents? I imagine that fatherhood wouldn't come to him as easily, but I think he would earnestly try to be better than both his parents 😁

oh yeah absolutely i think post therapy vace is a better dad than his family (low bar) and i think in therapy he has like the self awareness? to try and push past that

actually therapy vace is very fun in general bc like. i think one of vace's qualities regardless of therapy is how he pushes himself to be The Best it's just like a reframing of what The Best is u kno. there's a reason his cards are vace's confidence u kno. and that confidence is in some ways genuinely earned like!!! he IS the best soldier on the helio!!! like!!!! he has all those awards and he's very smart and like. it makes sense!!!

but then he goes to therapy and he starts like. reframing some of his stuff re:being Good and like what it means to be not just Good At Things but a Good Person and like. thats so much more difficult for him u kno in ways that other stuff wouldnt necessarily be. esp bc a lot of the stuff involved is like, him moving to be more vulnerable and show weakness and forgive ppl and those are not things he's good at naturally which is like. just very fun wwww

the reason i bring this up re:his parenting: i dont think he'd want to be a parent until he's really dealt with a lot of the worst of his shit. he mentions this in his 100 right: he's aware his whole thing comes from his dad who he has an IMMESNELY complicated rship w/. (i say this bc like. in his 50 he mentions hating his dad right. and yet he still has a picture of him u kno. lmfao. god) i dont think he'd ever want to subject his kids to what he went thru. i think he's aware of what he's done and how much worse he could've been u kno. the monster under the bed is who he is without sol

and even then it still takes work u kno. this comes up in the endcards abt how on his worst days he's still just like he was and how it takes times to break past that and find someone to meet him halfway. i have him meet lin when he's like early 30's bc i really do think it takes him a Long Fucking Time to hit a point like that. a lot of relationships. u kno. takes Work. takes time.

BUT THE POINT OF THIS.... to answer your actual q..........

i do actually think vace is a pretty good dad in these circumstances! i think he's protective and caring and i think in context w/rship with lin especially where he's got a partner that's good at reframing issues from "you versus me" to "you and me against the problem" it helps him get in that mindset with kids as well u kno.

i think tho in some ways he's better w/them when they're little GLKHSDLKGH i think he might be a bit overprotective when theyre older. i am shy talkign abt lin but im even shyer talking abt the fankids i made for them but i DO think its immensely funny for him to have his daughter hit adolescence and be like. ok im not calling u daddy anymore. and not bc she's embarrassed abt being a daddys girl or antying she just needs him to realize shes practically an ADULT NOW (vace meanwhile is there like. you are Not an adult jesus christ)

ok thats the serious analysis now here is my stuff thats for Me (sparkle emojis) ive talked abt this with alm before and in some ways i think vace is the parent the kids rely on for most every day stuff bc i do think he spoils his kids a little u kno. daughter shows up asking for a snack and he Prepares something for her meanwhile lin is like (gets smth preprepared from the fridge or tells her to wait for mealtime) takes them shopping teaches them to tie their shoes all that kind of stuff u kno

lin meanwhile is like...... practical wwww ive talked abt this in other places but he has difficulty with people sometimes bc of his augment. he's not great at comforting tbh! i think if the kids are upset adn htey want hugs abt it they go to vace. lin tho i think is the parent they turn towards for more serious stuff? bc vace despite everything still is very emotional while lin is very Not that u kno. so they can be like. uh. papa. ive fucked up. and lin is like (guy whose response to literally Everyhting is How Do We Fix This) How Do We F

in some ways as well i think the kids and lin grow closer as they get older. not to say i think they necessarily grow Away from vace but the way you interact w/small kids versus when u interact w/older ones means i think vace would do better w/the really younger ones while there'd be a bit of disconnect btwn them and lin until they're older u kno. lin is bad at mirroring and coddling and part of the thing abt his rship w/vace is it does help him get better at dealing w/other ppl w/strong emotions, part of that also relies on vace understnading that lin is trying u kno. and that's not a capacity kids really have at such young ages?

overall tho. i do think they are pretty good parents wwwww vace does hover too much but lin i think helps him dial it back wwww and lin struggles more at first but he gets there. their kids i think grow up well! and that's what matters!

[sapphic-story]

45, 49, 56 for Hero

THANK YOUUUU THIS WAS SO FUN

Put them all into one so that you wouldn’t get pinged three times!

Hero

45. What’s something unimportant / frivolous that they hate passionately?

Dark mode. Hero HATES any tech application in dark mode. If someone shows her a phone with an application in dark mode she will automatically set to changing it to light mode before even looking at anything else.

49. Would they eat something they find gross to be polite?

It depends! Hero is a bit of a food snob, so she’s pretty critical of meals that she thinks could be better. At the same time, though, she grew up with Southern Hospitality and not eating someone’s food is a Slight there so it kind of depends on how much she respects that person and if it was homemade or not (and how homemade it is—“from the box” is very different to “from scratch” to her). If someone, like, store bought something she thought was gross, she’d easily skip. However, if someone put their Heart and Soul into the food, she will try to politely eat it…with the most backhanded compliments possible.

She’s not an exotic eater though; if someone rolled up with escargot she’s skipping out no matter what lol

56. If they’re scared, who do they want comfort from? Does this answer change depending on the type of fear?

Her parents, though she already knows she’s not going to get that. :p In terms of who she Does get comfort from, the answer would be her dog in most circumstances. But now that she’s away from home…I don’t know if she has an answer! (She’s suffering.)

Xeno

35. What is the smallest, morally questionable choice they’ve made?

Wrote “SEE ME AFTER CLASS” on a student’s assignment (she’s a TA) and when they came she just tried to recruit them into the astronomy club that she’s the president of.

40. How do they respond to a loose handshake? What goes through their head?

She probably wouldn’t even notice LOL she seems like the type to have an over enthusiastic, very firm handshake while speaking over a mile a minute about whatever may be enthusing her at the time. If she did notice, she’d probably just make a little comment like “weak grip, huh?” And immediately move on.

43. What do they commonly misinterpret because of their own upbringing / environment / biases? How do they respond when realizing the misunderstanding?

This is a really good question lol I need to do some research to answer this tbh bc I recently decided that Xeno is an international student from Namibia, Africa (very inspired by a coworker from the same place)

The easiest one off the cuff though is just like. General language. It’s much more likely that others misunderstand her because of her accent, but there’s also times where she’s like “what. What are you trying to refer to right now.” She always believes that her own pronunciation is correct and will 100% make fun of American pronunciations that she thinks is dumb.

“Bella”

(I did actually get around to naming her, it’s “DT” or “Daphne Taylor”, but now I want to add that in somewhere LOL. Middle name? Daphne Bella Taylor? I can see it)

11. If someone was impersonating them, what would friends / family ask or do to tell the difference?

Ask about her crush of the week. Nobody could ever keep up with that other than her. (Including the friends and family asking…let’s hope they’d pick right)

35. What is the smallest, morally questionable choice they’ve made?

She keeps several things in her purse solely to drop in front of guys so that they pick it up for her and she can talk to them. The different choices are based on what she thinks will impress guys.

58. How many hobbies have they attempted to have over their lifetime? Is there a common theme?

A LOT. She’s the type of person that buys a bunch of things to get really into a hobby, loses interest in a few days, and never return. They’re primarily things that would be aesthetically pleasing, like letter writing, art, and journal keeping. I think she also likes hobbies primarily based on identifying things, such as birdwatching or looking into local flora.

[winter-spark]

I know self-diagnosis is valid and that as you learn more you're okay to be like oh I was wrong it's actually maybe this and whatever but I'm a bit of a coward, or well I still don't want to insert myself in spaces that I don't might not belong in and I've always hated the idea of talking about things without 100% certainty/information but uh my possible {self-}diagnosis is sorta leaking into my writing. Or at least I'm doing things in my writing then later hearing about/being reminded of things and sorta going :o so I'm gonna write about that below. Somewhat a vent post I suppose.

So... Uh I guess, besides explaining my potential diagnosis, there's currently gonna be three parts of this. My personal series Letting Go, my A3! writing, and my Buddyfight writing. And there's gonna be a lot of uncertainty here so I apologize if it at all wastes your time but here I go.

Me:

So... I might be autistic. This is something my sisters and I have been looking into for a minute tbh. Like a couple years at this point. We've taken a few different tests and started somewhat watching informational videos on autism and diagnoses and stuff, and like signs are pointing to yea probably. but like, idk. We were gonna put a pin in it until we could move but we unpinned because it wasn't helping to have it pinned. But yea, I might be autistic. Things I've looked into less that I might also have(?) ADHD, AFRID, mild dyslexia, but I've gotta do more research and it's not really about those but I thought I'd throw them out because idk some times holding things in for too long turns them to rot. But anyway, since I've been doing research on autism I was thinking maybe possibly whether I am or not my main character, Miles, is. He's from my series

Letting Go:

Now, Miles, I projected to some extent on when I wrote him but also he's very different from me but none the less there's few things that I had that could be signs of autism and I was wondering how to add more because I did want to sorta write him as an undiagnosed autistic. So in my writing before the research was my movie for my Screenwriting classes. Things about Miles, from the earlier drafts:

He is kinda sensitive to too many sounds, especially voices, at once (trait from me), (it increases when he's in a nervous/panicked state idk if that has to do with anything but I wanted to clarify that)

His, maybe, special interest is space, namely Pluto (and maybe baking)

(I had to sorta look back at this when editing/setting up for version like 4/5 which became a tv series but) he's not always great with picking up what others are putting down socially (version 1 he did not realize that another character was legitimately romantically into him, he didn't realize that, now one of his best friends, was worried about him,) like you do have to be a bit more direct with him (but not as much as Leilani but that's a different point completely)

So like, I was like maybe I should give him more traits? Like like this isn't in order and I can't remember everything but I was like okay, I, maybe, have a chewing stim, maybe I should give that to him too. (I need to double-check what his mannerisms are omg) And I say maybe have a chewing stim because I don't know if it has another name but I know that sometimes I just need to chew on something, but I've sorta conditioned myself out of it because my mom didn't appreciate me chewing on my pajama clothes and my personal stapler broke(yes I used to chew on staples). So like you know maybe that.

But also maybe I was thinking I would line his sorta panic attack with an autistic meltdown. See a big point in the story is when at a party he ends up sorta panicking and running away then he just sits by himself at like a bus stop which is where his grandma finds him, but like I wasn't sure how to do that because I was doing research and I wasn't sure how to quite make that so and if the things around it were right(I didn't do this research recently I'm sorry I'm super blanking). but I was watching this video earlier by I'm Autistic, Now What? called The 4 Types of Autistic Meltdowns, and one she mentioned was leaving/running away. Which as I mentioned he does. And I think maybe I was worried about build up/triggers but now I'm thinking more about that and maybe there is enough.

Ugh I don't want to "spoil" it but like, he's an introvert, he's a homebody(sorta), he's never had that many friends, so this was his first time going to a party with a group of friends, a group of friends that almost immediately split up, and he ends up stumbling back into one of them, but he's a little conscious about his crush flirting with someone else at the party, then his old bully is there and is harassing him and keeps mentioning Miles being a momma's boy and this is sorta more sensitive because his mom is in the hospital at the time(not a spoiler that's the (omg I'm a terrible film student what do you call the event that triggers the rest of the story, sets it in motion that's what that is)). He steps away for like to seconds to talk a breath but when he returns it is being revealed that his mom is in the hospital and [redacted because it was originally a surprise bit of info but now I just don't want to reveal this because it is still sorta a spoiler] which sends him over the edge where he borderline starts shouting and then just darts out.

And like maybe that works? I don't know. What I also don't know is if I should've even included my

A3! writing:

See, after one of the high points of my research on autism I was looking at a lot of Itaru content stuff and sorta was like is... is Itaru Autistic? Now I don't make it a point to write him as such but Itaru has become one of the characters I for some reason feel need to project onto. So when I write him I do give him me-adjacent traits and looking at some things I'm a bit like hmmm, am I maybe writing him autistic?

See-- oh shoot I should have mentioned this in the me category, okay so I might be demi-romantic, demisexual. I'm not 100% sure but with the research I've done I figure that's possibly why of the very few crushes I had it took a while for me to be like "oh! I have a crush on this person!" like literally one of them I didn't come to the conclusion until I was trying that wellness with Steven Universe/Rebecca Sugar thing and one of the days was just write what comes to your mind and as I was doing my best to do that(my mind goes very fast but I had to have complete thoughts) I got to a point where I was talking about one of my best friends and I was like "yea it'd be cool if we were still close in the future and maybe lived together and then we could go on runs together and cook together and cuddle on the couch watching movies together" literally visualizing this future together and then and I don't even remember if I considered a peck or not but I was like "oh shoot Do I have a crush on him?"

Now you're probably like, what's this gotta do with Itaru and autism? Well see in one of my CitoIta fics I gave him that trait of not quite catching on until he gets to a certain point "oh shoot, do I like him romantically, what?" so I figured I was just making him demi-romantic. (Which he still could be idk) but anyway. I saw this post a couple months back that said that not being able to quite tell if it's platonic or romantic can be a neurodivergent trait. So what if I gave it to him as like a subconscious neurodivergent, mayhaps autism, thing, idk if he's written as autistic in this story tho. I was actually initially thinking about in my Apartments au, where he basically starts scripting his interactions with his friendly neighbor (a sorta of "Okay, if we run into each other again I we have a conversation, I can ask this, and if he mentions this I can mention this" type thing. Oh tho he slightly does that in the first one I mentioned not to the same extent but he does prep how to say a line(wording and delivery) if asked what he's doing.

And speaking of characters I project onto let's hop over to

Future Card Buddyfight Fics:

So the closest I personally have ever been to "kin"-ing a character was Kiri Hyoryu, and I simply mean this in a "I related to him so hard" way like he was me foreal, okay, obviously lots of differences but point is I was able to see myself in him. Before they completely ruined him for me, that's an essay I've already written and will write again. but not this essay. So of course I wrote Buddyfight but mainly Team Disaster fanfiction(they aged with me in my writing lol). Some are actually posted too. but like in my most recent unfinished work, I was really feeling that need to project onto him. So I gave him a... something. It was similar to what I experienced but somewhat different. And as I continued writing, a character who happened to be there was like "I want to be able to help if it happens again, what sorta thing helps, can I ask if that a panic attack or an anxiety attack."(he was planning on doing additionally research on them as a whole) & I went ":0". And tried to research them and figure it out but like I couldn't. And going back to the video I was watching on the types of Autistic Meltdowns, I don't know but I kinda think that maybe he had an autistic meltdown?

But like here's the thing, how am I doing that? I not once considered Kiri as autistic. Just like a character that was as me as I was gonna get. He had a hard time making lasting friendships partly because he moved a lot, and latched onto his person(s) and just wanted to know he'd be remembered by those he cared about. Sure he was a bit whiny, I got why people thought he was annoying but it made him more like me, because I got why. I felt his pain. Even if none of it was real.

And I never really thought me and Itaru were all that alike but I feel the need to project onto him at times, and just like adjacently, like that long post about CitoIta playing Kingdom Hearts, I promise you a lot of Itaru's faves are different from my but also close enough, like Itaru being a Kingdom Hearts fan is because I'm a Kingdom Hearts fan, and he's a twewy fan too because I'm a twewy fan, like he's a gamer how can I not? But also he's nothing like me even in those regards. Like I know he's a freaking Shoka fan in terms of Neo and that he played the og twewy back when it first came out. And he's legit a gamer, I'm hardly one.

And of course my own oc, who doesn't project at least a little on their ocs. I don't have a point here on him tho. All in all I'm just like yeesh. What am I supposed to do with this?

I was gonna say I might have to accept that I really am probably autistic but I'm still nervous about trampling on other's space, interjecting myself where I don't be long that I realized something. Accidents do happen, yada yada if it's three times it's a pattern I've written lots of characters and stories so it'd have to be more than three four times... Five, more than five times, shoot I forgot Retsu's also a scripter(still Bfight character). But like yea, I'll probably start rereading my works to see if there's anything more in there that suggests that I maybe give autistic traits to characters I write and I know the less I project onto a character the less I can count it maybe? Idk, but like I just think that maybe I've over reacting idk. Time will tell I guess. I just don't want to be wrong you know?

This I know is nothing solid, I've been writing this for nearly three hours(I'm at work but it is a slow-ish day) without looking at any really research and just vaguely using my memory to make points so I might even more so be wrong idk, idk, idk.

[foxbox23232]

What is the difference between a medium/ psychic and prophetic person?

I used to wonder this a lot before I knew anything about any of that. Like, how can you ever solidify or get answers about something like that anyways. I went to a psychic when I was pagan, once at a pagan festival, another at a graduation party, probably even more times I don’t recall. Everything they would tell me was odd and true. At the pagan festival in 2015? He pulled out a card and told me I was backstabbed and many other things which corresponded to when my stepsister did in fact backstab me and we stopped being friends. At a graduation party a psychic also pulled out a card she knew I was going away for awhile. This was right before I left for army.

My grandma knew a medium, which is a person who could see spirits, my mom used to see but as you resist it they flee like the Bible tells you. “Resist the devil he will flee” James 4:7. So my mom wasn’t seeing them a lot back then. My mom has also never told anyone besides me because she doesn’t want people to think less of her, and tbh she never wanted it. But I remember I went to the mediums haunted house tour and thought it was odd things were moving. I kind of just assumed it was all plotted. But one time she came over because weird stuff was happening to my mom. When she walked in my house suddenly felt like a haunted house and our house lights were malfunctioning. She knew things about the people of the house who died and the area. And after that I must’ve been like 9 years old I realized ghosts were real. Which I think I knew deep down because I was experiencing weird things too even by like age 3-4.

At a prophetic church, they told me someone I knew backstabbed me. I had (it was either knives or arrows I don’t recall) in my back they needed to come out. I told them “What? Who?” And they replied a family member. Suddenly I remembered a few weeks ago one of my stepsisters did backstab me and my brother, and called us really horrible things to my stepdad behind our back. My stepdad ended up telling my mom and my mom told me. They told me I needed to forgive her in a very specific way, and the back pain went away after that. This is just one example.

So, they both know things so how can you tell the difference? The difference is the source. It’s either holy or unholy. The Bible warns against mediums and psychics and tells you to stay away from them. But why? Because they are associating with demons. I am around prophetic seers and am friends with many seers online and I can 100% guarantee you they do not see ghosts or aliens lol only angels and demons. Just like prophecy demons counterfeit fake gifts as well. Which have become honestly the norm, hence psychics. Demons also have access to a lot of information if they aren’t truly saved and because of the bloodline. Leeches need a host and so do demons they are pretty much the same. This is complex but bible explains everything.

I have another fun story. A witch came to our bible study once. But we don’t fear the bogeyman lol. We “stomp on the heads of snakes and scorpions.” So even if you are around a witch with God there is nothing to fear. So anyways, we didn’t know she was a witch at first but things got weird. And I love my bible study people because they are very wise with the things that they say. The witch told us, “my ancestors say there is a lot I can learn from you guys and to thank you” It got so silent. I asked her, “Are you a medium?” She said yes, and that her Grandpa was in the room with them. Little did she know she got invited to the most spiritual bible study she will probably ever encounter. My spiritual mom said,” that thing that came in with you was not your grandpa” and the whole room was so silent you could hear a pin drop. She started to reveal a lot of things very suddenly. Her spell magic, how she makes money from it, tarot cards, astrology, she wanted to be called a different name and I think I ended up realizing there was a reason for that. My spiritual moms son started having visions and he knew she was backstabbed and her heart was broken. You know I am not sure if I have ever seen an active witch cry in person before. But tears were shed and we ended the night singing and dancing to worship music. Some of which she even suggested.

Holy Spirit will always lead you to peace. To the Bible. The Bible will confirm itself. Because it’s the word of God. Witchcraft cannot mend your broken heart. It wants you to stay broken. Mend yourself, even though you aren’t God and have no idea how to. People often use witchcraft for revenge because their hearts are sick and full of hatred. But it’s dangerous and can kill people including the person casting the spells. It’s like a disease that makes you sick sometimes instantly sometimes over time. I can’t tell you why. But I can tell you it’s dangerous. And I am just talking about the act itself, I am not even talking about the spells. It doesn’t matter if they are a “good” or “bad” witch. Rotten fruit is rotten fruit which means the source is ultimately bad. I can almost guarantee you they are mentally unwell or suicidal, along with probably many other unbiblical signs of bad fruit. So the solution? Cut down the whole tree. Their “good” spells I can guarantee you are making them and others sick even if they don’t realize it. If your “Grandpa” leaves when you command it to by the name of Jesus that’s probably not your Grandpa. The devil is so sneaky, because he knows this confuses people and people perish from their lack of knowledge. New age is introducing new forms of spirits which involve “angels” and “guides” once you reach “enlightenment” lol. Which is really just summoning the demonic through their rituals. All about the self and what the self wants and desires, seems pretty easy if you think about it. Like eating junk food. Man following God now that is enlightenment. Much harder.

I also have plenty of testimony because I performed witchcraft as a child and also a few years ago. It does make you sick and unfortunately I did experience physical attacks and they wanted to kill me. It’s kind of interesting to me how the devil would always try to hypnotize me and draw me closer. He promised me a lot of earthly fleshly things too. But “What good will it be for someone to gain the whole world, yet forfeit their soul?” Matthew 16:26. Even as a kid the devil tracked me down and tried to get me to go the wrong way. And I was stupid and I did. But I think God knew my true heart deep down and knew eventually I would choose the right way.

Sometimes mediums and psychics are born that way because of their bloodline that hasn’t been healed yet. Typically it’s accessed. Which is the same with prophecy. The Bible says “Seek and you will find” Matthew 7:7-8. Except prophecy happens naturally to the seeking Christian and the source is God. I’m unsure if mediums/psychics even remotely have a book like the Bible or if they just have to guess check literally everything, although it wouldn’t be surprising. I used to pray for answers like this, because it would’ve helped me believe even more. And I finally did receive my answers. And it makes me feel so bad for people still caught up in that new age rabbit hole. Never ending! The lies never end I swear. But pray to Jesus for answers he will show you the truth and give you the gift of discernment. Pray for knowledge, discernment, wisdom, and truth to be revealed.

I pray if you go seeking for this stuff be careful… Have God by your side always. Ask for Gods protection through everything. Psalm 91. Ephesians 6 Armor of God. Everyday. They are all over the internet, Gods people and witches. They are in churches where you can meet prophetic for free or the witches run their own shops to con you, cast spells on you, and have you come crying back to them to spend even more money. Play safe and know that God loves you and doesn’t want to see you get hurt. He said in the Bible stay away from mediums and psychics.

Do not turn to mediums or seek out spiritists, for you will be defiled by them. I am the LORD your God. Leviticus 19:31

How precious to me are your thoughts, God! How vast is the sum of them! Were I to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand, when I awake, I am still with you. Psalm 139:17-18

My lips praise you because your faithful love is better than life itself! Psalm 63:3

[astrobydalia]

I hope that you don't mind this being long!

Gemini placements

I attract them due to Gemini DSC. I have really good experiences since its easily for me to appreciate the good in them and handle the bad without any drama. We like each other mutually and tend to be pretty in sync, I've never had much issues with them

Aries Moon // Aries placements

I attract them due to Aries IC/4th house. In this case they're more attracted to me than I am to them tbh. With this being mars energy I always tend to get pretty irritated by Aries Moons as soon as we start getting closer and the connection (mostly platonic) rarely lasts too long. This does not happen with other Aries placements with whom I have excellent experiences with. They're supper loyal whereas Aries Moons tend to be more selfish but somehow they don't seem to realize it

Earth Moons (or strong Saturn/earth influence on Moon)

Maybe it's because I'm a water moon but I seem to have a very magnetic attraction with people who heavy earthy influence in their moon. Usually it is them who initiate the connection, but it goes either way. What stands out to me is there's usually a struggle to find balance between my tendency to want to give into emotions right away and how earth moons have such a slow-moving, rational and compartmentalized emotional nature. We learn from each other. Overall it's good and respectful connection, even when it does not work out

Cancer placements

Having Cancer 8th house this is a big nono for me. I've tried genuinely to have friendly relationships with them but these all resulted in failed connections. It's like I instantly see their red flags and toxic traits faster than I would with other people. My particular experience with these placements is women were really petty or fake-nice and men were very mysogenistic. Overall they trigger my trust issues

Pisces placements

Being a Pisces Moon I easily understand them, it's like we speak the same language. So even when I have negative experiences with them I can't never really stay mad or hold grudges I think maybe because I project this idea that they can understand me too. But soon I figure out that this idea of being the same was just an idea, and we end up not understanding each other all that well in the long run because both parties are floating in their own bubble if that makes sense

Leo placements

This is teasing central 100%. I have Leo Mars so it makes sense that I gravitate towards these folks. I do have some friction with them but it's always.... fun? Every interaction I have with them is always super exciting and engaging for me and uplifting/validating for them. Conflicts are never that serious, they don't get under my skin like that unless they have other placements that would. It's like I naturally know how to handle or probe them which is fun for both

Scorpio Moon/Mars

Big bruh moment. Not entirely sure why I attract them that much but my experiences with them have not been too promising, specially scorpio Mars, who I've found to be very controlling for no reason. Like they wanna have the upper hand or make something intense out of the most insignificant situations. With Scorpio Moons they are softies on the inside but also very brooding and fatalistic and also overbearing in they connections like they quite literally want every single piece of you. Both placements are super draining to be around in my experience personally. I feel like they suck my energy away

Is there a particular placement [or placements] that you tend to attract a lot? If so, what has your experience with them been like?

[skrunksthatwunk]

man ok so I've been trying to be more attentive to the way my body feels bc apparently i feel bad way more than i really notice and man i feel so goofy stupid about it

wait, maybe I'm visually sensitive?? what a shock!! i thought everyone had moments where they wished they were blind as a kid. i thought everyone felt better when they broke their glasses bc there was less detail and it made things less overwhelming. i thought everyone had to lie in the dark for a couple hours every day just to feel normal. i thought everyone's eyes hurt when they went outside even if it was cloudy. i thought everyone preferred looking at things via peripheral vision bc it's less direct. i thought everyone wore black every day so their eyes have somewhere to rest on. what the hell is this normal???? is it????? probably not right???????? what the hell

like i just didn't realize i felt bad until i felt better?? i never considered that i could be any of these things bc no one told me to pay attention to it and ignoring it was easier. and even when i did it was kind of a :/ feeling like a 3/10 discomfort peaking at 6/10 all day and then "hey wow why can't I do anything now that I'm home" like,, dipshit it's bc you're in hell what. maybe your idea of a 3/10 isn't right ya moron

oh maybe i don't feel as brain staticy after walking through the halls if i play music. it's almost as if it's overwhelming and bad. and i already knew that but i always get stuck not doing things differently so i didn't bother bc i could tolerate it (probably by dissociating tbh) and wow yeah now that i am it's just. easier. sheesh

oh, i can feel my bone marrow retreating into my body whenever i touch wet clothes? noted. can't actually do much about that one but it's the thought that counts

it even goes for nonsensory stuff like stimming and communication. maybe THATS why i wish so badly that i could communicate nonverbally (esp ASL, seems super useful), why it feels So Wrong To Talk sometimes. maybe THATS why i gotta move and/or make noise like 70% of the time and always have in some way. maybe THATS why i can't understand people if they're muffled/have an accent I'm not familiar with/if multiple ppl are talking, and why there's a delay in processing, and why i can't watch things without subtitles. hell hell ass hell hell hell etc

and a lotta this is only stuff i realized bc i started looking into various flavors of neurodivergency. still not really willing to self diagnose until i do more legit big boy research but at the very least apparently I'm onto SOMETHING if these realizations keep happening. like even if I'm neurotypical and faking it or just quirky or whatever it's making my life better to pay attention to how i feel for once so..? yeah it's productive ig. i swear this is a positive post guys

and a lot of it's easier realizing people don't usually mean 100% universal literal inability when they're talking about not being able to do stuff or when they experience things really strongly. sometimes stuff is just disproportionately hard or rare for someone. shit man idk. doesn't mean they ain't disabled or nd or whatever and, therefore, it doesn't mean i can't be just bc i used to be able to do my homework before the deadline :/ when ppl have special interests it doesn't mean they only think about one thing for their entire lives hell ass of course not why would you think that. jeez.

anyway i swear this is a good silly thing even though the tone is a bit mad(?) but sometimes it's just baffling the way I've lived my entire life. clown behavior. what is wrong with me. shape up there bud