#syd craft final reasoning

[demifiendrsa]

Syd Craft: Love Is a Mystery chapter 2 color page

[iamzeon]

Sid Craft no Saishuu Suiri 

[saiyef]

[freedelusionshere]

The reason that S3 made Carmen so unlikeable is that the show has literally been telling you for a while now Carmen was able to rise to the top because he’s privileged. And now he is finally regretting it. This is good.

Carmy was sent away from “the family” to escape abuse, with money in his pocket and a plane ticket, with an Aunt that owned a restaurant, won a huge award, and had all these wonderful experiences in fine dining with chefs that were pivoting to instilling virtues, and then became absolutely fixated on Demon Chef David who had a restaurant called “Empire” as a model for what excellence looks like.

Meanwhile, Syd went the same route and was, like, zesting at a fine dining restaurant for 8 months, and then tried to start her own catering company (probably based on the fine dining customers at places she worked at - I need to see the backstory about the lamb ragu and the mean pasta lady in S4 show) and Carmy needs her to turn The Beef around because he doesn’t have ANY of those experiences.

The show is constantly telling us this elitist white version of fine dining is DEAD now and is also killing things like farmer’s markets and people who focus on craft, and that those people are hiring people who are not white for their innovation breaking into this space, and stealing their ideas or being bad business partners. Like look at the moment in the S3 finale when dude talks about getting credit for his innovation and the reaction is that this “doesn’t normally happen”.

The show is suggesting that it’s not really sustainable. The funeral for Ever was about that. Chef Terry tells Carmy she missed out on living life. She’s peeling mushrooms with Richie when Chef Adam had yelled at his staff when they all know he’s the smudging culprit in S2.

This show wants you to see that Carmy has invested in the wrong things and is turning a corner because he’s realized Syd literally IS The Bear.

[edwardsissyhandsthtdanceslikeabb]

i feel like i'm slowly linking pretty much all of my banger shows to generational trauma (i.e bojack, succession, invincible) or some otherwise maladaptive response to the often totalitarian shaping that children who have been parasitized by vicarious idealizations suffer — however, as i've come to realize that the bear (a show i made a previous meta on when i sort of scented this notion but couldn't really articulate it), embodies this in a completely transformative way.

the bear may be about generational trauma, and though this initially sounds counterintuitive, it's not a show about carmy's generational trauma, its a show of camy's generational trauma.

the show doesn't explore the ways carmy's been wrecked, it moreso uses them to give character to his dysfunctions, to help the viewer see corporeal manifestations of the chaos brewing inside of him. the fanfare of carmy's life is the bear, its all the bombast and theatre of life's torture porn tendencies looming over his shoulder and rotting the floorboords and having its poison drip through, it's all the regrets and flashes of shame and brokenness slowly clawing through anything good in his life bc good things are brittle and unpredictable and detract from his value as a person, the utility he's found in being untouchable and cold and practically mechanical, and the way that makes one feel like all of the suffering was worth it.

it's carmy letting his internalizations of imperfection, from his family, his relationships, himself, his life, dictate what should define him. carmy circumventing feelings of helplessness with compulsive, neurotic control, aiming to undo the damage that chaos wrought through obsessive perfection.

its him eviscerating the [personal] value of his deep need and capacity for autonomy and forgiveness and peace, by reinforcing the same parasitic paternalisms he was fleeing from in the first place.

its him going from his mom to his mentor chef.

its him becoming what destroyed his chances to be human, destroyed his chances to be him. his own person, with individual purpose and intrinsic meaning and happiness.

that sort of self-dehumanization is what carmy is dripping into syd. like yes they have similarities, i'm not trying to deny that, but i feel like the 3rd season, especially the last episode, highlighted why syd x carm wouldn't be an optimal or even relevant consideration for their current dynamic, and that's bc carmen sees sydney as an extension of himself. she's all the things that validate his: maybe this is worth it, maybe i'm supposed to be a chef, its actually okay that i'm not functional bc now i get to be useful and revered and mean smth in the world and i'm no longer weak and useless deadweight.

now, now, i've proved myself, i've embodied the predetermined mould, i've surpassed it. i've become real, finally claimed autonomy.

its him seeing their similarities as reason to mould her in turn, as the only thing she needs. carmen reducing himself to apparatus and so reducing her in turn.

its a perversion of empowerment, accessing control through wielding it against others.

with syd exhibiting certain tendencies bc carmy spurs them from her. like sydcarm both having panic attacks, both being hyperfocused on stains, carmy wanting a star, not just bc syd acts as the northstar of his craft but bc he wants to prove himself. he wants to be excellent too. or them both snapping at softer, caring figures like tina when frustrated. its sydcarm degrading others under stress, sharing memories of hostile bosses, bosses who didn't appreciate them, whose mentorship was selfish with care and dignification and belief — made them feel small and claustrophobic and marginalized by one's own worst traits - by dysfunction willingly embraced.

and now you want out but you're also ambitious like syd, or proud like carmy, and its your pull to chaos vs your pull to happiness splintering you. now anything good is just a cruel fleeting thing that reminds you of what you won't let yourself have. now, people can only try reach out to the bear, coax it.

enter claire, who often gets flack for being a manic pixie dream girl and unrealistic, but when dealing with carmy, she revealed smth very primal in him, was palliating wounds he's let fester into core beliefs. like think abt it, claire is gentle, and claire treats carmen like he is gentle, fragile, she affirms his worth constantly and perpetually reassures him, whether intentional or not, claire aims to soften his wounds, aims to coax him out of his armor. she recognizes the depth residing in carmy, that the bear is equally damaged as it is brilliant, yet senses that a lot of that was mangled by malignance and flagellation. she attempts to let the bear shed his skin, remember who he is again. that someone cares abt him, both the chef and the boyfriend, the professional and the life of the party, he's allowed to have both. him the prodigy, the baby lamb. but claire spent so much time nursing the deer, by the time her own interiority could have room for growth, carmy had already cut her off, the sheep back in bear's clothing.

claire is the desperate attempt to reach someone backfiring completely, the incongruence between want and need, and how this can destroy you from the inside.

and the funny thing is that, neither claire nor the bear are carmy's actual need, when — beyond a gf not being able to fix carmy — he still kicks and screams at love and care despite desperately needing them. he's still the one who overindulged in the perfect patience of claire's love and validation, yet spurned it over how incapable and human it made him feel, still didn't want to lose control of himself, his personhood, his value.

he's still trying to imbue this same perfection into those closest to him in the kitchen, still insulating himself in that headspace, a wounded animal ensnared by a deathtrap, the bear stuck in his own freezer on his debut day.

its a trap that kills, and as carm embraces his confines, they throttle harder in turn, capturing those reaching for him in their rot.

it started with donna and passed down to carmen (who sought it in his mentor) and is dripping into syd. into richie, into claire, its carmen cultivating dysfunctions in all those beholden to him, dependent on his guidance, support or love.

its beyond generational, its a malignance, a pathogen, and although carmen may not realize how his conflation of perfection and value are lethal to him, its smth slowly killing nonetheless, mauling the warmth and love and soul of the kitchen, just as it slowly kills it in him. the bear killing the bear.

[ofbrokendreams]

Everything, everywhere, all at once

This is just a silly little future fic. I just threw all of my ideas into a pot after bingeing The Bear Season 1 (multiple times). Its 10.9 k words total. Its pretty much stream of consciousness because I'm undecided if I'll come back to it later and flesh it out into a real fic. That being said I'm apologizing early for grammar, abundance of commas and general lack of a time line. Hopefully this will bring someone enjoyment and amusement.

Part one is 5.3 k words.

Part two

Part Three

I'll probably cross post this on AO3 at some point. (I did it.)

TW: cursing, discussions of sex, discussions of abuse, discussions of mental health, discussions of drug use, discussion of suicide, depiction panic attack, pregnancy (let me know if I missed anything)

GIF by starryyshadows

EXPO DATE

Sydney walks into The Bear. Service in full swing, full dinner rush with a packed FOH.

Carmy’s at expo running tickets and the count and he’s got an ear out for troubles.

Sydney calls out his name: “Chef. Carm. Carmy. Carmen!” Before he finally answers and glances at her.

His brain stalls out. He called her five times, he texted her SOS. But she’s-

“What are you wearing?” Is the first thing out of his mouth. Taking in the short expensive looking dress and high heels Syd is wearing.

“What the fuck does it look like I’m wearing?” Syd asks with a huff. Carmy shakes his head and gestures toward the line. 

“Why is my restaurant not on fire?” She asks and Carmy stares at her. “What the fuck are you talking about?” “SOS, five fucking calls? What am I talking about? I took the night off! So why isn’t this place burnt to the fucking ground?” “I-I”

He looks away for a moment as a dish is set down and then back to where Syd was but she’s gone. Carmy goes back to his work calling out “Hands!” 

“Give me your jacket,” Sydney demands at his elbow, heels gone and replaced with her Birkenstocks. Carmy stares at her but she gestures for him to hurry up. “Mine’s at home, this is a $300 vintage dress, give me your fuckin-“ he cuts her off with a harsh sigh but does trade her his jacket for the apron in her hand.

They stand side by side for a minute, hands working on auto pilot as Sydney catches up.

“We needed you. Where were you?” “I was on a fucking date, Carmen.”

Syd takes over expo and shoos Carmy away. When he doesn’t leave immediately Sydney snaps. “Get the fuck away from me, go, please go do something else.”

Carmy goes, checks on everyone and then he’s on the line because their down three chefs and that’s the whole reason he called Syd in and its a long fucking night.

After service when it’s just the two of them left Carmy apologizes for calling so many times, ruining her night off. Sydney apologizes for snapping at him.

Carmy mentions, “I didn’t know you were dating.” Syd nods but  doesn’t look at him. 

“I have to…I have to have a life, you know? Get a life. Outside of this place? I can’t…I can’t resent it. I love The Bear and I want to keep loving it.”

“No, thats, that’s totally reasonable.” Carmy nods and Syd smiles. And Carmy’s heart beats erratically. Because he’s losing her. 

He’s fucking losing her and he never even had her. 

And he’s confused because she’s so amazing and beautiful. And he’s himself and how could he think-

He remembers the first time she walked into The Beef and his heart beat like this, ‘oh no she’s pretty’, and all other thought left his mind. And he was asking about UPS like it was a fucking restaurant despite holding her well crafted resume in his hands. But then there was months of work and screaming and quitting and tomato money and The Bear and project managing and baby Mikey and Claire and fucking off and fucking up over and over. 

He has no right to be jealous, Sugar is quick to remind him when he slowly carefully brings it up a couple weeks later. A quick “Pete out,” and they’re alone in her living room. “You’ve had a girlfriend, Bear. Doesn’t Syd get that too? She’s better at this shit. We both know she won’t fuck off like you did.” And it’s so harsh and vulgar and not like Sugar, though it reminds him of ‘did you know I recently had a brother die too’ and it’s gnarly in that same way that cuts him to the quick. So he laughs and nods. 

“But like…think about it, Bear, your feelings, yeah?” And Carmy nods knowing he won’t. That he’ll push whatever this is down and away, far away from where it might touch Syd, taint her with whatever fucks up Berzattos. 

STAR CROSSED SOUL MATES

The Bear receives their star, two in fact in their first year.

And it’s Sydney, her drive, her dish that gets it for them.

He’s not surprised. He’s been doing everything he can to make the way for her but she’s paving it herself. 

Its an honor, a fucking privilege to watch her rise, to watch her recognized.

He’s so crazy in love with her that he can’t imagine being jealous of her even though there’s a part of him that thinks he should be. Carmy’s always been competitive in the kitchen but with Sydney…he just wants to get as many spotlights on her as possible.

It’s strange but it’s how’s its always been. He’s never felt in competition with her but for a moment, that first review that horrible day and it had ended with her leaving The Beef, leaving him.

He thinks about how insanely lucky he is that she came back, that his offer ‘Family style? Two-tops, booths?’ Was answered with anything other than go fuck himself. Instead Syd had given instantly from that wonderful brilliant brain of hers, ‘Danish design’. Not a question.

She’s so talented and beautiful and creative and thoughtful and good, so good at what she does. He wants-needs everyone in their world to see it. To be so fucking jealous of him, of them, that he found her, they found each other.

All those other places that tried to stamp out her spark, fuck them, they’re shit compared to The Bear. Compared to the inferno that is Sydney working at full capacity, supported and challenged. 

Nat’s the first to bring it up, texting him while he’s trying to think of how to bring it up to her.

Sugar: 11:57 pm; she needs to be a partner. Like a real one

Bear: 11:57pm; absolutely 

When they bring it up on Wednesday before shift, the three of them huddled in the office. Syd shyly takes their praise but looks like she might cry when Nat explains that they are making her a part owner of The Bear. Sydney insists that she can’t pay for it but Carmy points out the sweat equity she put into the place. And Syd’s not sure if that’s even right, even how this works but Nat’s got documents from a lawyer, holy shit.

Uncle Jimmy says “Its about fucking fucking time Carm. Thought we’d lose her before you figured that shit out. You know why I said ‘I’m in’? Because you’re fucking talented and she’s fucking talented. And I love you, and you’re not starting from fucked this time. But I will, I will break your legs, Carm.”

And then Sydney’s got an arm full of Berzattos. And she’s really not a hugger but there’s nothing else to do in this case. No words to express how she feels. She’s family, they’re family and this is their place: their family restaurant but for real now.

The whole team parties at the restaurant on the Friday following the Michelin announcement.

Syd goes back to Carmy’s as its closer then taking the train back to her dad’s place.

Its like two in the morning and they have work in the morning.

When they get to the apartment they drunkenly make Mac and cheese. Laughing and cursing when they almost grate their knuckles. Carmy makes the sauce and Sydney’s cackling when he almost scalds it.

“First time?” Syd laughs dumping the cheese in and Carmy pushes her away from the stove. “Jesus Syd its gonna be all- fucked.” Carmy laughs and Syd just shrugs and drains the pasta.

Its good and lumpy like Carmy though but they’re both still to drunk to really care cause its good. 

Cause they’re fucking good, they’re Michelin star chefs, “for real this time, you earned it”, Syd is quick to say when Carmy laughs at her. It sobers him up a little the realization.

Once full and sleepy they head to the couch, with Sydney falling backwards onto it by accident.

Carmy tries to grab her but she’s just giggling not hurt at all. He shakes his head and joins her, looking down at her every once and a while.

They sit side by side like that for a long time even though they should go to sleep. Watching old Good Eats episodes instead.

In a lull, Sydney asks Carmy if he believes in soul mates while pointedly not looking at him.

Carmy thinks for a good minute thinks about saying no right away. Then thinks harder. Thinks of Nat and Pete- Jesus. Then says “Ye-yeah I guess I do.”

Syd’s quiet for a while before saying quietly, “I think you’re my soul mate, Carmen.”

Carmy nods and takes a minute to answer. “I know you’re mine, Sydney.”

They don’t move other then to intertwine their fingers, and the angle is awkward like they are but its nice to hold each other’s hand.

He thinks about how she’s the coolest, lamest, kindest, meanest, funniest, smartest girl he’s ever had the privilege of knowing, of working with. 

Thinks of how she probably thinks of him as a platonic best friend kind of soulmate.

He wonders if that’s what he meant. Platonic. 

He imagines kissing Syd. He imagines touching Syd. He imagines fucking Syd. He imagines making her giggle and squirm and scream and beg. He imagines her holding him down while she rides him, her hands splayed out on his chest her fingers digging into his skin-

He’s going to hell. Like he already knows this but he’s really going to hell.  

At some point Syd falls asleep and Carmy carries her to his bed before heading back to the couch. She grabs his wrist and softly asks him to stay with her, voice sleepy and thick. But he can’t deny her. He can never say no to her. 

ENGAGEMENTS

Its been a long day, the longest day.

New chefs, new menu, old clients and old problems (Cicero) are plaguing Carmy and Syd.

Their still arguing: about Carmy not listening and Syd still being to impatient.

They take refuge for a few minutes behind the restaurant in the alley on the crates where they had their first heart to heart. Their team trusted enough to wrap up without supervision after the last ticket’s gone out.

Carmy’s smoking a cigarette and Syd’s scrolling but not concentrating on her phone.

He shouldn’t be thinking about it. He promised himself that he wouldn’t.

Promised himself that he wouldn’t cross that line. Wouldn’t taint her with whatever makes him turn shit to ash.

But-but-

It’s been like months since she mentioned going on a date or talking to a guy or a girl or anyone. And it’s been…fuck he’s such a piece of shit cause it’s been great for him. 

He doesn’t know what makes him ask. Why his brain jumps to far ahead, skipping every fucking step but it’s what he does. 

Makes a mess of things.

After a few minutes of silence Carmy clears his throat, “You wanna get married, Chef?”

Syd is quiet for a while, a long time it seems. “Yes, Chef. Someday.”

Carmy nods not looking at Syd, eyes on his shoes but not really seeing.

He says in a voice almost to quiet to hear, eyes shut tight now, “I meant to me.”

Syd stands and its a moment before Carmy feels fingers running through his hair, tugging slightly to make him look up. Sydney’s got an unreadable expression on her face but then she smiles, a little sadly but mostly fond. 

“You really do need to learn to listen you know? I said ‘Yes, Chef’.”

“Heard, Chef.” Carmy replies, eyes following as Syd walks back into The Bear.

Carmy casually brings it up to Sugar. He doesn’t really mean to but it’s Monday, their day off, and they’re meeting for coffee and breakfast. He’s late having stopped at a store just before meeting her. “I think Syd and I are engaged.” “I-I didn’t know you were dating?” Carmy shrugs, shakes his head. “I kind of just asked her?” Sugar nods looks at Mikey in his stroller and sighs. “Let me see it.” She says and Carmy pulls the little red box from his pocket. She opens the box and then closes it and hands it back to him. 

“Its good.” Is all she says before their waiter takes their order. 

The next morning Syd comes in early and he’s in the office. He calls her over. “Hey can I get your help?” “Obviously.” Syd laughs joining him in the office. 

He grabs the box and then stands behind her. “I just I need you to hold onto this for me, for a while okay?” He says arms going up and over her head. The gold band with the three small circular diamonds sparkling slightly in the harsh overhead light of their office. 

Sydney’s heart stops she swears it stops but she reaches back to pull her long braids out of the way and he hooks the gold chain around her neck. She fingers the ring now laying on her chest and sighs. Turns around and grabs him by his hair pulling him into a heated messy first kiss. 

BREAK UPS

Things are good for a while. Blissful even. They go to work, go to Carmy’s apartment, eat, make love, sleep, repeat. 

Syd’s basically living at his place now spending one or maybe two nights a week at her dad’s place. She’s had a key to Carmy’s place since week two of this. 

They laugh a lot and joke a lot, or Syd does and makes him smile and laugh and breathe. 

And the sex. So much fucking sex. They’re both insatiable in their own way.  

But nothing lasts forever. 

Syd wants more, needs more. The ring that lays against her skin is like a fucking brand sometimes. It’s all she can think about but they never discuss it. Never even a fleeting question of courthouse or big party? 

She does talk about the future though. Insists on it.

He’s her…fuck he’s hers right? 

But it scares him. He shuts down when she casually mentions moving to the suburbs or having a kid or kids someday. Or if any of that is even something she wants. But it’s all her and he doesn’t join in just humming and nodding. But noncommittally. And it eats at her. 

Sydney’s about fed up. She doesn’t know how she’s supposed to handle him anymore. She wants to be all in but he seems content to just be stagnant. 

Outside of the restaurant all they seem to do is fight and ignore each other. They’re so in sync in the kitchen but so disconnected outside of it that it’s jarring. Every night, every phone call, every text is like a bucket of cold water.

Finally after another night of self-flagellation and non-apologies Sydney’s had it.

“I need you to love me more then you hate yourself, Carmen! Or-or this is never going to work.”

Carmy’s quiet for a while and then nods. Agreeing. “You’re right. I’m sorry, you’re right. I can’t-I’m not, you deserve better. You deserve more than this, then what I can give.”

Syd’s panicked as she realizes whats happening. She tries to stop him, to beg him to not do this but Carmy just continues talking over her. 

“So you’re just…giving up? You won’t even consider that you could change? Get better, be better?”

“I-want more for you Syd, I want the world for you and I’m holding you back.”

Syd storms into his bedroom and begins packing her things. She wants to hit him but she won’t so she separates herself.

Carmy waits leaning back against his couch. 

Not thinking about it. Not going over it. 

Dissociating completely. Remembering how it felt in New York, going into work and he was a machine.

When Syd comes back out Carmy starts, “We need to talk about the restaurant.”

Syd scoffs, “Fuck you, Carmen.” “Its important-“ “We were important and you threw that all away.”

Syd leaves back to her dad’s place.

When he finally heads to bed, after standing at the front door for an hour, Carmy looks at the bedside table. There’s her ring on its gold chain and her key with its cheese keychain and-and the stupid fucking lighter she started keeping on her for him. For him. 

This is right though. This is what he needs to do. For her.

She’s to special. He never should have…he messed up and she’s tainted now like he is, unhappy and wounded but she’s stronger than he’s ever been. She’ll bound back and stronger too, he’s no doubt about it.

When Carmy tells Sugar that they broke up she explodes. Demanding an explanation. When Carmy does his best to explain she explodes again. “You are the most selfish asshole I have ever met. I can’t-I’m so ashamed of you, Bear.”

When Carmy asks for her explain as to how and why, Sugar does explain although she doesn’t feel he deserves it. “Instead of listening, instead of doing some self reflection, getting help, going to therapy or something, working on yourself you’ve just decided to do nothing. To change nothing even though you’re hurting Syd.”

“I’m trying not to hurt Syd!” He defends but Sugar’s not having it. “You’re being a martyr. I know…I know you thought it would be you. In the ground by now but it’s not, you’re not dead and you’re not going anywhere. You need to start accepting that, you have a life and you need to live it. And your fucking actions have consequences.”

Its a lesson he’s thinks he’s been taught before with the same result, his selfishness hurting Syd (The Brigade, Claire)

“I don’t deserve her, Natalie.”

“You make-you make Syd happy, you make me happy. People love you, they care about you. And you can’t accept that and you push us all away. And it’s not fucking fair, Carmen. Don’t we deserve to have you? To really have you? We all love you so much and you just…you just reject everyone.”

Carmy stares at her as Mikey gnaws on Carmy’s knuckles, his chubby little fingers wrapped around the S and U tattooed on Carmy’s skin. Mikey looks up and smiles and Carmy thinks he understands.

At Sugar’s insistence Carmy contacts a therapist.

HELP WHEN NEEDED

Carmy’s first few therapy sessions go well. “What are you here for?” Terri asks kindly. And he stares then just starts speaking, “I um…own a restaurant, it used to be my brother’s restaurant, well it used to be my mother’s restaurant and my dad’s before he left. But my brother killed himself and he left it to me and I-I changed it, made it into our dream restaurant.” “That is a lot of changes in what I’m guessing is a short amount of time?” He nods and sighs, “I left home a while ago, just left and worked, I’m a-a cook. And I-my sister I just left her to deal with-with our mom, she’s not well,” and he gently taps his temple. “And Sugar, uh, Natalie, I-I left her to deal with her and-and Mike he was um- he was a drug addict, and I’m going to Al-anon but my sister she said, um one-on-one is better. And our dad was gone. And-and I was with my business partner for a minute and I’m so…I’m so fucking in love with her but I-I left her, I broke up with her because she-she asked me to do something I can’t do and she deserves so much, she’s so amazing and she deserves someone who can give her what she wants-what she needs.” 

“What did she ask of you, Carmen?” “She uh- she asked me to love her more then I hate myself.” “And is that an unreasonable ask?” “No-it’s-it’s what Sugar’s been wanting me to do for years. But I can’t-I don’t-“ “I see, I think we should start there and I have a feeling much of the rest will fall into place.”

Carmy and Syd have an informal non-discussed truce at work. They avoid each other if possible but for the most part work well. 

They do tend to argue more heatedly then ever before when discussing menu changes or really any change to the restaurant. Tina and Marcus discuss, “It’s like…this thing happened and neither of them can move past it or want this place to change past it.”

Richie calls Carmy out after witnessing a particularly rough back and forth. Carmy tells him to get lost but Richie won’t let it go. “This place only fucking works because of the two of you, together. At least for now, with how good she is we’ve only got Syd another year or two and we need her. You need her you fucking idiot.”

Carmy tries coming in early but Syd does the same thing. Alone in the office they hash out their professional issues. Both of them agreeing that they’re having a hard time changing things after the break up, it makes things feel to real. 

They come to an understanding that things need to change, they have to keep going, for themselves, for the restaurant. 

Syd laughs at how reasonable Carmy is. She says she’s proud of him. 

He blushes and nods, “It’s mostly Terri.” “Who’s that?” Syd asks curiously. “My uh…my therapist.” Syd stares at him for a long minute before launching herself at him. He holds her tight as she squeezes him even tighter. They don’t speak but break apart when they hear Nat coming down the hall to the office. Syd’s grinning at him in this new way. He thinks it might be pride. 

Carmy’s getting better. Working through his childhood, his parents (separately), his siblings (separately), his school years, his depression, self harm and avoidance, his years under psychotic chefs (New York especially), Claire and his lack of romantic relationships, his anger (“Ah I understand the nickname: Bear” Terri laughs gently when he explains how explosive he gets sometimes, how stubborn he can be) and Sydney, Sydney, Sydney. 

Terri reminds him often that he can’t be doing this for Sydney.

“She may move on. May see other people, fall in love, get married, have a family, and you need to be okay with that. You need to get healthy for yourself.”

Carmy’s eighty percent sure if Syd found someone else to make her happy he’d be okay with it. If they treated her like the queen she is he could understand.

He’s not even sure how they got here. They’re sitting in their spot behind the restaurant. He’s got a cigarette in his fingers. 

And he asks her, stupidly, about the future. And it’s gets a little heated but nothing to bad; they’re not at each other’s throats. Its like a real adult discussion. “It’s just…you were talking white picket fences and-and the American dream, 2.5 kids and a minivan-“ “You have like- you drive a mini van-” “And its just- that’s not me, and I wasn’t going to hold you back from your dreams. From what you want.” “I wanted you, Carmen. I wanted…any house in the suburbs I wanted because it would be our home. Any kids I wanted was because they would be our kids, your kid. I didn’t-I don’t…that’s what I wanted. I wanted us but you-you just decided for me, Carm. And-and that’s not fair, is it?” Carmy shakes his head and looks at her, watches her get up and walk back into The Bear. 

He hadn’t ever considered that, that she might not be wanting the whole perfect family thing but just…a family with-with him. 

So no, it wasn’t fair. 

WHAT HAVE YOU DONE

Carmy’s trying to be there for everyone more. Encouraging Marcus and Tina and Ebraheim and the freshman. Getting to know them like he knows the old crew. Getting to know the old crew even better. 

The Bear is running better then he ever could have imagined. There are no quiet nights, they’re booked every night with a waiting list three weeks out. Both their food and their stars drawing customers in. They’re on track to pay Cicero back and Nat and baby Mikey are doing so well. 

He and Syd have probably never been so in sync. They work out the spring menu in a couple of hours rather then the days they predicted before starting to test recipes. Even the things that don’t turn out inspire them. 

They always test at the restaurant now, before shift or after. Never at his apartment like they used to and Carmy misses the closeness, the intimacy of it just being the two of them in his apartment. He doesn’t bring it up though. 

Doesn’t dwell on it until Syd kind of invites herself over. She’s been texting him all morning on a Monday, all morning, about this new idea and she’s at the market now getting shit. And he just thumbs up her text then sends, “I’m out of creamer.”  She shows up half an hour later laden with grocery bags and in one is her favorite coffee creamer. 

It’s kind of a thing after that. They go back to his place after work almost every night to keep working. And Syd sleeps in his bed while he takes the couch. And it’s so close to normal. 

And he’s fucked cause this should be normal but it’s not its really not. 

Normal is holding her and kissing her and laughing at her mean jokes and making love to her until the sun is coming up and they both know they’ll say they regret it but they won’t. 

But he keeps going in this new normal, what anyone else would say is normal, not kissing her. 

It feels inevitable. One of their blow out fights. They both try to head it off, signing ‘I’m sorry’ early in service. Tina’s on her game, commanding the freshman but Marcus is losing focus. His sous is on it but they’re to busy for this. And Syd snaps and that’s not like her. Not at all. And poor Marcus is upset now and Syd’s apologizing but she’s flustered and making it worse almost. Carmy calls her back to expo and takes over with Marcus. Getting him out of the weeds. But then Carmy’s on Tina and Syd’s annoyed, cause Tina will fuck him up and it’s the last thing they need tonight. Syd doesn’t mean to but she calls him out, voice loud across the kitchen and they stare each other down. And when they meet in the walk-in the fight is so loud that the whole kitchen hears it. Somehow they’re able to keep on topic but they both know what it’s about. They’re yelling about the team but they’re really yelling about them. The tension between them has reached an unlivable level. 

They don’t solve anything that night and when their five minutes are up in the walk-in they go back to work. Apologize to their staff and keep going. 

They don’t talk about it for a few weeks. But then one night at Carmy’s Syd grabs his wrist when he retreats from his room, clothes to sleep in tucked under his other arm, from the dresser she insisted he buy while they were…while they were. “Can you…can you stay with me?” She asks and it’s so sweet and perfect and he wants to say no but can’t say no to her. So he nods and changes in the bathroom before going back to his bed-her bed and laying next to her. 

They don’t touch. And nothing changes there. But they get back on even footing. 

He’s out with Richie and Marcus and Sweeps and Fak and their newish boucher Roy. And it’s good. It’s nice even. 

Carmy doesn’t go out. He doesn’t do hang outs. He rarely drinks because he’s always alone and that’s a state of depression he never wanted to walk himself into. But now surrounded by his employees turned friends and family he feels settled. Comfortable. 

They get trashed. Absolutely hammered. And as they walk down the street, Marcus and Sweeps sing/rapping a song he vaguely recognizes from Sydney, Carmy thinks of Michael. Of both Michaels actually. Of his brother who cut him off before he could have these moments with him so he has them with Cousin instead. And of little Michael, and the idea runs though Carmy’s head, of years down the line of telling a very Michael-esque story to his nephew of this night and how Michael lives on like that. Thinks of picking the kid up early from school to get ice cream (will Sugar put him down as a trusted adult? He thinks she might). And two am phone calls when he’s at a high school party drunk and he won’t drive but “Uncle Carmy I’m in trouble” and he knows Sugar would kill them both. But Carmy here in Chicago its his how and Mikey’ll grow up with him and trust him and love him. And he’s his favorite uncle…his only uncle. And it’s getting away from him, his thoughts are.

And then they’re standing outside a well lit building. It’s stupid really it is but their hyping each other up and it’s just…really really stupid. 

Syd’s at her dad’s for once since Carmy was going to be out all night. 

Cousin’s on the couch and groans cursing when Carmy starts the coffee grinder in the morning. 

They sit at his little dining table and sip their coffee and nibble at their bagels. Until Richie looks at Carmy strangely. 

“What’s on your fucking neck?” “The fuck? How would I fucking know you-“There’s like plastic on your fucking neck, Cousin.” And Carmy drops his bagel as he remembers their last stop of the night. 

He’s in his bathroom quickly and pulling the plastic off his throat. 

Fuck

Fuck

Fuck

In thick black letters stark against his skin is ‘Sydney’.

“RIP, Cousin,” Richie snickers from the bathroom doorway. Carmy flips him off and then sighs turning his head. It’s really fucking on there. 

Syd’s going to hold him down and cut it off or maybe he’ll get lucky and she’ll just book him a tattoo removal appointment. 

She doesn’t do either. It’s a Monday he thinks, good, it gives her a whole day to fume and get over it. She comes over after Richie leaves around noon. All bubbly and happy taking about this little butcher she found and they’re to small to use as a vendor but they have cool cuts and she’s thinking. 

It takes her a minute to notice Carmy still on the couch. “Yo Carm-the fuck is that?” She stops, leans against the arm of the couch, fingers digging into the fabric. 

“Look, we got really fucking drunk last night. And hit up some shitty tattoo place. And-and Marcus got this huge pink donut on his fucking thigh and-and I got this.” He gestures vaguely at his neck. 

And then he suddenly got a lap full of Sydney. Laughing and cooing at him. “You fucking loser! You got my fucking name on your neck! What the hell were you thinking Carm?” But she’s grinning and her hands are in his hair and she’s more amused then angry. And she’s so fucking beautiful, he can’t help but lean up and kiss her, she kisses him back and it good. It’s right. 

It’s perfect. 

They’re so caught up that it seems the most natural thing in the world for them to spend the rest of the afternoon on Carmy’s couch. Fucking in every position they can get each other into. 

They make dinner after a hour nap and sit at his little dining table. And they don’t talk about it. They don’t talk about it and they don’t repeat it. 

[shiplessoceans]

I've never seen 'Scream' or any of its sequels and it is halloween and yeah let's do it. Live blog below:

-Drew Barrymore so dumb you could have done 50 things different to not die, far out lady

- Skeet Ulrich looks like Johnny Depp and sounds like Rami Malek. Insert love child theories here.

-i'm suspicious of Billy. Why is "Don't fear the reaper" playing while they make out?

-Courtney Cox's hair....that's all.

-Neve Campbell so beautiful, had such a crush on her character in The Craft.

-HENRY WINKLER? Holy crap the cast on this is amazing.

-...did Matthew Lillard just gatekeep murder? "It would take a man to do that"

-It says a lot that it's hard to differentiate teenage boys dialogue about gutting people or a murderer bragging about their sociopath accomplishments. Masculinity. It's a hell of a drug. Eh so far they both have alibis.

-OK, I like that they know that you are expecting a jumpscare and then it doesn't happen.

-ohhh what? Her mum? That's horrible:(

-OK...the caller sounds just like her boyfriend....

-Yaaas Sydney, drag those tropes

-I simply would not have gone out there.

-OK but how can they see through the mask?

-"the stupid girl runs upstairs" SYDNEY WTF

- OK so it's not Billy. Unless he's working with someone else.

-Billy is a trash human. Full stop.

- It's Stu and Billy isn't it. He had no reason to defend him in the video store like that. He has every reason to suspect him same as everyone and he stood up for him. Also they were making weird eye contact while teasing the video store guy. Like they were really enjoying tormenting someone.

-Wait, Sydney's dad? Nah. Don't buy it. I reckon the dads dead and they are using his phone.

-A house party? It's like these teens are trying to die.

-oh dear sweet Dewey.

-The only person we haven't seen at the party is Billy so I guess he's the one in the killer costume this time. They must be taking turns.

-Guys is it gay to have your bro kill your girlfriend.

- oh honey not the doggy door.

-Why wouldn't you just stand up and pull your head back out if the door...she wasn't stuck? *sigh*

- I liked Tatum. Humph.

- Gail's hair has changed colour like 3 times I swear to God

- Oh and look who just turned up now they the murder is done.

- OMG DO NOT SLEEP WITH HIM NOW WTF.

-"It's all one great big movie" ok so we are definitely meant to know that it's him then.

-I mean maybe it's a fake out. It's definitely not the cop.

-Omg the horror movie rules, amazing!

-Stu is not looking for Tatum when she went to get him beer so yep. I'm convinced.

-The dubbing on Gail's "Be right back" is so bad lol

-Nice try movie, it's not Dewey.

-"Here comes the obligatory tit shot!" OK I love a self aware movie.

- Oh shit I forgot about the principal!

- Dewey and Gail? I ship it.

- I still don't think it's her dad. I reckon he's dead. The killer/s could have taken his car.

-Finally Sydney is waking up.

-OH WHAT? BILLY??? I WAS SURE IT WAS HIM!

-Run Syd! RUN!

-Omg Tatum... I forgot about her.

-Randy narrating his own murder like "turn around!" Phew he got away.

-OH NO NOT FRANK!

-This is so well done btw. I'm loving this.

-If Dewey dies I riot.

-Did Gail just die? God what a clusterfuck.

-Dewey no!

-It's definitely Stu in the costume I just don't know why. Hard to hide how tall he is.

-BILLYS ALIVE!

-Oh I wouldn't give him the gun.

-I FUCKING KNEW IT!

-omg they killed her mother. What in the fuck.

-so they like to impale each other. Uh huh...

-"My mum and dad are gonna be so mad at me!" ROFLCOPTER

-omg can these guys die already.

-"Not in my movie" ICONIC.

OK that was awesome. 10/10 ghostfaces. Keen for the sequel.

[vivinightingale]

I'm so sorry for getting to this late @secondaryrealm 🥺🥺 happy late birthday, I love you and hope you had a wonderful birthday.

Match up?

Hi Syd! So it's ma birthday today (don't worry you don't have to post this today or anything, take your time!) and I’d really really appreciate a Yugioh (DM) match up ^.^ I’m a demisexual woman, meaning that I don’t feel sexual/romantic feelings for a person until an emotional bond or deeper connection has been established. I’m mostly attracted to men, but have had romantic feelings for women before. 

I’m very creative in even more ways than writing, if I’m not writing I’m usually drawing, making crafts, sewing, or something of the like. I’m also a lover of geeky things, comics, fantasy, sci-fi, video games, you name it, especially if it’s something that’s geeky -and- creative like Dungeons and Dragons or other RPGs haha. 

Even though I’m usually very friendly I can still be closed off at times, and have trouble letting people in. However once I’m comfortable around people you’ll find that I’m pretty boisterous, I love making people laugh for example and have little shame when getting said laughter. My loved ones are the most dear thing to me in the world, blood relation or not, once someone is in my inner circle I would basically do anything for them and supporting them in whatever makes them happy is a constant priority. 

Unsurprisingly, I’m very introverted, meaning I can get very anxious around groups I don’t know and prefer to stay home most of the time. I like the occasional outing but it’s more like a “once a week” thing rather than a “let’s go out every night” type thing, you know? Honestly my dream relationship is spending most nights together just snuggled up watching TV, reading, or playing games (video, bored, or otherwise) together, and maybe having one day a week where we go out on a date night.

When it comes to my “type”, I think I can have feelings for many types, but something my s/o has to have is compassion and an open mind. I’m an extremely moral driven person and compassion is one of my main tenants, so to be with someone who doesn’t have a gentle heart would be very draining and tiring for me. So long as they’re kind and we have mutual love and respect for each other, I could work through pretty much any other personality faults or quirks and love them with all my heart.

Hopefully this gives you plenty of insight into me as a person and you can easily see me with someone haha Thank you so much in advance, you’re amazing!!!

Honestly half way through this I already had someone in mind and i couldn't see anyone else.

I match you wwwiiittthhhh

The ever adorable Yugi Muto!

Here is my reason why:

The day he met you, you were sitting in class by yourself looking through a reference book for your newest D&D character.

He noticed that you were by yourself, and coulnt help but remember himself in your position before his friends. So he decides to approach you.

At first it was really awkward, but he didnt stop trying to get to know you. Every day at lunch he would come to talk to you, and on the occasion play games with you.

When you finally opened up to him it was the most magical thing to him. You are so kind and compassionate that it was well worth the wait.

He was first to catch feelings for you, and though there were signs he didnt want to push his feelings on you so he waited for you to say something first.

When you did he was ecstatic, to have someone as sweet as you as his s/o was a dream come true.

So just for you he planned the perfect date. At his house with all his games, your favorite snacks, and we was gonna cook your favorite dinner.

The first date was a solid foundation for your relationship going forward. He shows just as much love and compassion as you do for him.

He knows that your introvert so he doesnt try to push to you go out, but when you guys do he keeps it just the two of.

And he loves your creative side, especially when it come to playing D&D with you. The stories and characters you come up with just amaze him.

The Pharaoh is honestly your guys biggest supporter. He seems how happy you make each other, and could think of a better match.

So while he share a body with Yugi he tries to make his presence none existence so you two can have your time.

But when the duel master cards come out, he is aaaalllll game. (He cant help it)

He just absolutely loves and adores you, and couldnt see himself without you. So after you graduate or feel like your in a comfortable spot in life he will 100000% ask for your hand in marriage.

So he never knows what it's like without you again.

(Side note: he knows how draining it is for you to be around Kaiba so he tries to keep it a minimum.)

(At one point he had to yell at Kaiba to go away because he kept presistining on duel)

[tempestuous-cosplay]

Flower Asks

Alisons: Sexuality?

Demi-romantic poly-pansexual.

Amaranth: Pronouns/Gender?

They Them non-binary 

Amaryllis: Birthday?

July 20!!!!! Gunna be 25

Anemone: Favorite flower?

Can’t choose. But its something blue, purple, or red. I really like Hydrangeas and Narcissus flowers.  

Angelonia: Favorite t.v. show?

Brooklyn 99, Avatar the Last Airbender, MeatEater

Arum-Lily: What’s the farthest you’d go for a stranger?

Depends on whats needed. 

Aster: What’s one of your favorite quotes?

ah, man, i don’t fuckin know. Probably the line “Change IS nature, dad, the part we can influence. And it all starts when we decide.” from ratatouille 

Aubrieta: Favorite drink?

Water, milk, then sprite. Unless we talkin booze, tequilla.

Baby’s Breath: Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?

ABSOLUTELY 

Balsam Fir: Have you ever been in love?

Yup. Would love to have that again one day, but not now. 

Baneberries: Favorite song?

Under My Skin by Jukebox the Ghost at the moment, but consistantly its Pierre by Rynn Weaver. 

Basket of Gold: Describe your family.

Better than some but has its issues. 

Beebalm: Do you have a best friend? Who is it?

I have 5 closest friends whom i LOVE and talk to with any regularity. 

Begonia: Favorite color?

PURPLE

Bellflower: Favorite animal?

DRAGON

Bergenia: Are you a morning or night person?

I like being awake in the morning bc then it feels like i have so much time to do stuff, but my sleep schedule always shifts to being a night owl.

Black-Eyed Susan: If you could be any animal for a day, what would it be?

a Kite or a hawk for all that fancy flying.

Bloodroots: When you were a kid, what did you want to be when you grew up?

A veterinarian, a puppeteer, or the next david attenborough. 

Bluemink: What are your thoughts on children?

I eventually want ONE, just one, of my own when I’m living with a community who will help me raise them. But really, i think too many people are having children who just should not be parents. 

Blazing Stars: What are you afraid of? Is there a reason why?

Being in love again bc the last times its happened I got traumatized.

Borage: Give a random fact about your childhood.

I always used to say i would never get tattoos and now i have one and plans for more. Ain’t gunna stop till im covered.

Bugleherb: How would you spend your last day on Earth?  

I would travel up to my friend @b-oredzoi and spent the day with her. She ain’t got a choice. 

Buttercup: Relationship Status?

Single but with some FWB situations goin on.

Camelia: If you could visit anywhere, where would you want to go?

anywhere outside continental US. Im not picky. Top choices Kyoto Japan, the french countryside, p much anywhere in africa.

Candytufts: When do you feel most loved?

when im tripping on acid or when my friends are hugging me real tight. 

Canna: Do you have any tattoos?  

YEAH, got one on my thigh. 

Canterbury Bells: Do you have any piercings?  

YUP, lobes and one cartilage 

California Poppy: Height?  

5′4 and hating every second of it. Wish i was taller. 

Cardinal Flower: Do you believe in ghosts?

100%

Carnation: What are you currently wearing?  

skill boxers stolen from an ex-friend and a shirt that im not 100% sure is mine??? but I’ve had it for a year and wear it all the time soooooooooooo. Mine now

Catnip: Have you ever slept with a nightlight?

I used to sleep with the closet light on until i was, like..... 14? 15?

Chives: Who was the last person you hugged?  

myyyyy mom prolly.

Chrysanthemum: Who’s the last person you kissed?

my pal Eli

Cock’s Comb: Favorite font?

something swoopy and pretty. Or the one thats just emojis. 

Columbine: Are you tired?

always

Common Boneset: What are you looking forward to?

getting top surgery and corona being over. 

Coneflower: Dream job?

philanthropist actor/ director. 

Crane’s-Bill: Introvert or extrovert?

ambivert. 

Crocus: Have you ever been in love?

We did this with balsom fir. anyway, yes i have been!!

Crown Imperial: What’s the farthest you would go for someone you care about?

depending on who they are, as far as they needed me to. I don’t THINK i would kill anyone, but there are a few people i would willingly die for. 

Cyclamen: Did you have a favorite stuffed animal as a child? What was it?

A green and purple dragon named Puff, who i still have. He’s always either in my bed or on a shelf in my room. 

Daffodil: What’s your zodiac sign?

Cancer

Dahlia: Have you done anything worth remembering?

Didn’t die. Helped stop my grans house from burning down. 

Daisy: What do you feel is your greatest accomplishment?

so far its getting my associates degree. Either that or dragging myself out of a horrible depressive, self destructive spiral in 2018-2019, getting the help i needed, and doing better for myself and those around me.

Daylily: What would you do if your parents didn’t like your partner(s)?  

figure out why and wither resolve it or dump the partner.

Dendrobium: Who is the last person that you said “I love you” to?

my dad prolly. 

False Goat’s Beard: What is something you are good at?

Crafty stuff. and animal trivia. 

Foxgloves: What’s something you’re bad at?

organizing anything, remembering dates, statistics. 

Freesia: What are three good things that have happened in the past month?

Got okayed for top surgery

got surprise money!

Got a sentimental piece of art from my grandparents (at long last.)

Garden Cosmos: How was your day today?

p solid. Helped my dad with some yard stuff, made a yummy dinner, saw most of the supplies i need for a new project shipped. 

Gardenia: Are you happy with where you’re at in your life?

mmmmmmm not really, but im getting there.

Gladiolus: What is something you hope to do in the next year or two?

Graduate, move out, get a good, fulfilling job. Travel some more. 

Glory-of-the-Snow: What are ten things that make you happy/you’re grateful to have in your life?

The friends who stuck around

my plushie collection

my tarot collection

my print collections from cons

finally having a queen sized bed

books

my pets (wow, almost forgot about them)

my fursuit making skills

my hair

my gently rising self esteem 

Heliotropium: What helps you calm down when you feel stressed?  

petting soft things, reading, watching Ghibli movies. 

Hellebore: How do you show affection?

all them love languages bro. Every single one. I tailor my affection to the individual and what love language they receive most.   Mostly, I cook for people.

Hoary Stock: What are you proudest of?

We’ve done this one too!

Hollyhock: Describe your ideal day.

Its a nice balmy 72 degrees with a nice breeze. The sun is shinning with some clouds here and there. I go to the zoo with some friends/ a friend and we just share random facts about our favorite animals. we get some cute plushies at the gift shop and then go to a wonderful meal, either greek or korean bbq or Pho and we go back to someones house to watch movies and vibe, sleepy, warm, and content. 

Hyacinth: What do you like to do in your free time?

read, craft, organize my room, draw, garden, swim.  

Hydrangea: How long have you known your best friend? How did you meet them?

I dont have a singular “Best friend”. I do have my Inner circle tho!

Laura- we met my freshman year of collage, first day and we click INSTANTLY. She’s my soulmate and I would go to hell and back for her (RIP to Orphius, but im different)

Bly- we met, like, back in 2014/2015 at house parties but didn’t really start getting SUPER close like we are now until, like, 2017/18/19 ish. Really the only person I actively talk to every single day, my mood twin. We share a braincell. 

Syd- we met at, like, Momocon 2014? 2015?? something like that???? bc we roomed together. We started getting close in 2016 by bonding over fursuit stuff. My go to roadtrip partner. I kinda owe my current joy for life to her bc she helped me through my hell time in 2018 but kicking my ass and teaching me how to make fursuits. 

Eli- we met at Dragon-Con through a mutual friend in 2014, but didn’t really get close until may of 2019. Now we’re p much partners in everything but title bc we just don’t have romantic feelings for eachother. We share a therapist and hang out at least 3 times a month.

Shane: We’ve been friends since, like, 2010 but started getting close in 2017 when they helped me get a job. Then we just,,, stuck around. They kick my ass to get out of the house and do stuff, or did before corona 

Sammi : Friends since 2010 when we were in highschool together. Our friendship was super rocky until we were in different schools and smoothed out as we aged and matured. They are the reason i got into conventions  and cosplay as a whole, so they have only themselves to blame for how I am now. 

Irises: Who can you talk to about (almost) everything?

Eli and laura. 

Laceleaf: How many friends do you have?

my inner circle is, like, 6 people, but friends as a whole like.... idk.... 20?

Lantanas: What’s the best compliment you’ve ever received?

“Your gender vibe, is, like, primordial. Its a perfect blend of masculine, feminin and things that are just indescribable.”

Larkspur: What do you think of yourself?

I hate myself, to be perfectly honest. But Im trying my best to be a good person and a good friend, so I don’t have to like me, as long as the people who matter do. 

Lavender: What’s your favorite thing about yourself?

I love my hair. Also how much better at communication i’ve gotten. 

Leather Flower: What’s your least favorite thing about yourself? 

my adhd and the social symptoms of that.  

Lilac: What’s something you liked to do as a child?

i liked swinging and listening to the sounds of shoes on carpet. Good stim time.

Lily: Who was your best friend when you were a kid?

I never really had a best friend for more than 2 years. They would always move away, So i don’t really have a solid “best friend as a kid.” Why yes, I do have abandonment issues. 

Lily of the Incas: What is something you still feel guilty for?

How my last relationship ended. I pulled some STUUUUUUUPID shit and never got to own up to it or hold the other person accountable for the harm they did to me. It was just overall horrible and never got any type of closure. Likely never will. But it be that way sometimes. 

Lily of the Nile: What is something you feel guilty for that you shouldn’t feel guilty about?  

My grandfather died last week and i feel........ almost nothing bc I honestly really did not like the man. He was horrible to me growing up and horrible to my mother while my grandmother was sick and dying. But he did a number of good things too. But I feel guilty for not mourning him more. 

Lupine: What does your name mean? Why is that your name?

I chose Sawyer bc when I was younger, I was very good at wriggling my way out of work and my mom and aunts would call me “Tom Sawyer”. I also just like Mark Twain and the name Sawyer in general. Feels good

Marigold: Where did you grow up? Tell us about it.

In the suberbs of atlanta in a nice house on the Chattahoochee river. I’m actually still living there while I finish school. 

Morning Glory: What was your bedroom like growing up?

Rosey wall paper and gross maroon carpet until 7th grade, when we painted it all blue and put in blue carpet. It was, and is, very VERY blue. Im gunna be painting 2 walls different colors soon.

Mugworts: What was it like for you as a teenager? Did you enjoy your teenage years?  

Miserable, tbh. A lot of shit happened when i was 16 that left me with a lot of trauma and issues that I didn’t really have the maturity or energy to deal with while in highschool on top of being queer and dealing with that. So it was a lot of fighting with parents, self loathing, and struggling in school. It had its beautiful wonderful moments that I love with all my heart, but for the most part it was just kinda rough. 

Norwegian Angelica: Tell us about your mom.

Georgia born and raised. She tries her best and is a wonderful mother, but we clashed a lot growing up bc she’s fairly neurotic and likes everything to be precise and orderly and perfect and im... ADHD so sometimes close enough is all you’re going to get. Growing up, i couldn’t communicate what was going on with me or happening in my head very well at all, and it caused a lot of tension. 

Onions: Tell about your dad.  

Hes from Bogota colombia and im almost a carbon copy of him. That means our issues with ADHD have a happen of blowing up at eachother. He’s horrible and constructive communication, but overall is sweet and funny and very very clever. My relationships with both of them are p okay nowadays with a few spats here and there that I will deal with when I don’t live with them anymore. 

Orchid: Tell about your grandparents.

I never met my paternal grandparents. My maternal grandfather died when I was 6 and i hardly remember him.

My maternal step grandfather was.... not a good man but he was interesting and incredibly smart and fairly liberal. So there was that at least. But, to be honest, I hated the guy.

My maternal grandmother was one of my favorite humans in the world. She spent her whole life a highschool science teacher. She was funny, witty, elegant, a fairly talented cook who always encouraged me in everything I tried. Im still dealing with some emotional stuff regarding her passing, but Im just always so glad i got to spend as much time with her as I did. 

Pansy: What was your most memorable birthday? What made it be so memorable?

haha shit. Maybe my 21? A bunch of friends and i went and hung out at a park then got hammered at my house after. 

Peony: What was your first job?

Working at the summer camp i went to as a kid. Debating going back if I ever can. 

Petunia: If you’re in a relationship, how did you meet your partner(s)? If you’re not in a relationship, how did you meet your crush/how do you hope to meet your future partner(s), if you want any?

I want my future partner to be a friend where things just, grew and blossomed. 

Pincushion: How do you deal with pain?

Emotional? I try to be constructive and communicative about who or what caused it and doing something productive to help deal with it.

Physical, i just ignore it until it goes away. 

Pink: Where is home?

Wherever Im going to sleep that night. 

Plantain Lilies: If you could go back in time, what is one thing you would stop/change?

When my ex broke up with me, I would have cut all ties all together instead of try the whole “we can stay friends” bullshit. I would have just “I don’t hate you, but If we aren’t going to be together, I can’t be friends with you until I’ve had some time to heal.”

Prairie Gentian: Who is someone you look up to? Describe them.

nope

Primrose: Describe your ideal life.

I’ve made my fortune and when I say things people listen, but I can also run away to my beautiful little homestead with my queer friends and wife and all our animals and children living together in a wonder queer commune. I get to travel twice a year and i never have to worry about money. 

Rhodendron: What is something you used to believe in as a child?

hmmmm. No idea.

Ricinus: Who’s the most important in your life?

can’t pick one person.

Rose: What’s your favorite sound?

wind chimes probably.

Rosemallows: What’s your favorite memory?

oh man, too many to choose. I’ve lived a wonderful life so far. 

Sage: What’s your least favorite memory?

Too many to choose. THe night I got dumped, my grandmothers funeral, my friends funeral, some others that I don’t wanna talk about due to triggers. bleah

Snapdragon: At this moment, what do you want?  

I want..... soup dumplings. 

St. John’s Wort: Is it easy or difficult for you to express how you feel about things?

Depends. really intense or personal feelings involving my depression or emotions is almost impossible to talk about. But my feeligns about films and stuff i have 0 issues talking about. 

Sunflower: What is something you don’t want to imagine life without?

Laura

Sweet Pea: How much sleep did you get last night?

idk, like 7 hours?

Tickseed: What’s your main reason to get up every morning?

School

Touch-Me-Not: How do you feel about your current job?

im.... technically self employed/ unemployed. I want a job tho. 

Transvaal Daisy: What’s your favorite item of clothing?

My killstar hoodie. 

Tropical White Morning Glory: Describe your aesthetic.  

Disaster gay.

Tulip: What would be the best present to get you?

A tarot deck

Vervain: What’s stressing you out most right now?

Corona virus. and money. 

Wisteria: How many books have you read in the past few months? What were they called?

The entire Heros Of Olymus series The lightning thief and Sea of monsters The trials of Apollo The last unicorn.

Wolf’s Bane: Where do you want to be in life this time next year?

ideally living with friends and one year away from graduation.

Yarrow: Do you know what vore is?

*sweats* yea

Zinnia: Give a random fact about yourself.

im a witch

[thewaronsyd-blog]

Kylo Ren/Ben Solo: The Case for Redemption

Hello fellow humans who are interested in the possibility of a Kylo Ren/Ben Solo Arc.  I, like you, was curious on how this potential redemption could/would be carried out so I decided to do a little research!  And I got carried away so I basically wrote an informal essay on the subject… what can say?  Below you’ll find a summary of the typical “temptation arc” a villain figure follows on his way to redemption (Zuko and Spike are other examples of this form of arc so Ole’ Benny will be in good company) as well as some of my jazzy commentary.  There are two other types of arcs, the first is the “sacrifice arc”, but this is unlikely to be used since it is the arc Darth Vader/Anakin Skywalker followed, and I highly doubt J.J. will be THAT repetitive.  The second is the “forgiveness arc”, but this arc only takes place with villains who have already turned into a hero, and Ben/Kylo certainly isn’t there yet.   

The original template for redemption arcs in storytelling I used is linked below if any of you are interested in learning more :) https://mythcreants.com/blog/crafting-a-redemption-arc-for-your-villain/

1. Something Changes for the Villain:

This is the seed that will grow into a change of heart… hopefully hehe

- It Is Established Why the Villain Is Evil

The typical reasons for this are that they wanted to do something good so badly that they were willing to do evil in the process, they have blind loyalty for something or someone who saved their life, protected a loved one or manipulated/brainwashed them or they believe the good side/members of the good side were responsible for their misfortune.

Through Bloodlines and TLJ we know that Ben/Kylo turned to the dark side due to the discovery of his heritage (Grand-daddy Vader), brainwashing/manipulation by Snoke and the betrayal of Luke that lead Kylo to destroying the Jedi Academy.  These motivating factors certainly follow a hypothetical redemption arc for Ben/Kylo.

- A Good Influence Is Introduced

This good influence can be found through meeting a new person(typically the hero), discovering something sacred or being reminded of better times.

*cough* Rey *cough*.  Need I say more?

- The Villain’s Loyalty Subtly Shifts

As they spend more time with their influence they will grow more attached and may hesitate to commit crimes or question the orders of their leader.

Okay so I’m not sure if you can call murdering Snoke in order to protect Rey and “bring a new order to the galaxy” subtle, but clearly he is doing some serious shifting.  Ben/Kylo himself admits that he is “feeling the call to the light again”, Rey tells Luke that she saw good in him and she believes he will turn him to the light and Snoke got all pissy in the beginning of TLJ because he could see that killing Han had split his soul and left him unbalanced.   It cannot be denied that Ben/Kylo is conflicted, meaning he is still very much following the redemption arc up to this point in the films.

2. The Villain Is Caught Between Sides:

This is basically a form a grey area or limbo state.  The Villain is no longer evil but he definitely isn’t good either.  This is the “bread and butter” for temptation arcs and is usually, but not always, quite drawn out.

Now here is where things get tricky.  I can’t say for sure whether Kylo/Ben has entered this stage yet.  His big “shift” happened so close to the end of TLJ that we haven’t spent enough time with Beautiful Ben, err I mean Ben/Kylo, to see how he has changed since the killing of Snoke. However, things don’t look very good for everyone’s favorite Dark Prince in the last act of TLJ.  He sort of tries to murder Luke (which could be justified seeing as the last time he saw him Luke tried to kill him) and then he attempts to destroy the last of the rebels… But, who knows?  Maybe Ben/Kylo has this huge renovation plan for the First Order!  Some new none-murdery guidelines he’s going to implement into Star Trooper protocol?  Fingers crossed.

- The Villain Switches Sides for Selfish Reasons

- The Villain Is Unhappy In Team Good

- The Villain Goes Back to Evil

- The Villain Is Unhappy in Team Evil

I don’t really see this stage going passed continuing the inner-conflict Ben/Kylo has with the light/dark side of the force.  There simply isn’t enough time for Ben/Kylo to become good then become bad again just to ultimately turn good yet again.  On the other hand, you could potentially count Kylo/Ben’s team-up with Rey to kill Snoke and the rest of the praetorian guard as his brief switch to the light.  

3. The Villain Turns Into a Hero

- The Villain Must Stop a Great Evil

The villain must be the only one who can stop something very bad from happening.  This typically occurs when the villain is ordered to do something by their master, but it can work for villains who are their own bosses as well.  While carrying out their evil ways they may have unleashed destruction on a level they did not forsee.

It seems entirely within the realm of possibility that Kylo/Ben could set something up through the First Order that gets out of hand and he must intervene to stop it from coming to fruition.

- The Villain Makes a Great Sacrifice

The sacrifice must be enough to prove their devotion to good but not enough to wipe their hands clean.  The sacrifice can be in the form of the villain giving up the goal they had pursed at the cost of doing evil (their motivation for being evil), destroying their own forces, land, palace, or other assets, or giving up their own life.

So we know, or at least we hope, that Ben/Kylo isn’t on a sacrifice arc and that means his sacrifice won’t be giving up his own life.  

4. The Hero Humbles Themselves

- The Hero Begs To Be Allowed To Help

Just because the villain is a hero now doesn’t mean everything is sunshine and daisies.  They will try and help with a big problem but the rest of “team good” will be very reluctant and will most likely throw the previous crimes of the hero in their face.

Just a guess but I have a strong feeling Finn is not going to be a fan of Kylo’s lol

- The Hero Toils Thanklessly

The new hero will work hard to make things better and complete selfless acts with no expectation of reward.

- The Hero Proves Their Worth

Another crisis occurs and the hero is put to the test.  This is likely a crisis that the new hero is uniquely suited to solve.  Maybe because of their villainous experience or because their skills are a strong match for the task at hand.

I’m going to go ahead and assume that Kylo/Ben’s previous role as Supreme Leader of the First Order will equip him with some useful insights. Plus he is super buff and that could definitely be helpful.  I also believe that if Kylo/Ben gets redemption this problem, and it’s solution, will be the climax of the movie.

5. The Hero Is Forgiven

Not all the characters have to forgive the hero in order for them to complete their arc.  Instead, what is most important is that the hero forgives himself.  They are now at peace and they no longer have to worry they’ll fall back on bad habits.  Yay!!

So do I want a Ben/Kylo redemption to happen? Yes, 100%.  Do I think it will happen? Ehhhhh idk.  Maybe?  It took two full movies to get him through the first stage (jury is still out on the second stage), and now he’s supposed to go through the last four in one movie?  It seems unlikely.  But on the other hand he has undoubtedly started on his journey to redemption.  Whether that is because Rian Johnson intended him to finish that arc or was just using it as a plot line to make his eventual descent into full-fledged bad guy super sad, I’m not sure.  Introducing Kylo/Ben as a villain with conflict and vulnerabilities that forces us sympathize with him certainly makes him a more compelling character.  And even though I will be bummed if he doesn’t end up redeemed (and in the arms of Rey) I’ll eventually get over it because they have provided us with one of the most interesting villains in blockbuster history (in my opinion).  

If J.J. Abrams does decide to continue the Kylo/Ben redemption arc into the final film it is going to have to be central to the plot and will most likely be interwoven into the climax of the movie.  Here’s my prediction:  

I’m assuming there is going to be a substantial time jump in between TLJ and episode IX so we will be reunited with Kylo/Ben there, after the time jump, at the beginning of stage two (caught between sides).  Around the middle of the film he will enter stage three (turning into a hero) and be faced with stopping a great evil (most likely of his own creation) and as a result must make some sort of sacrifice.  After or during his sacrifice he will reunite with Rey and the rebels, having embraced his light and/or found some sort of “force middle ground” with Rey that all the TLJ symbolism was hinting at.  Next, he will go back to the rebel base with them and sulk a little bit about how everyone except Rey hates him because he used to be a supremely evil murderer.  Then something is going to happen and he’s going to have to team up with Rey and the rest of the Scooby gang to take down the First Order for good thus proving his worth (stage four).  And then they will defeat the big bad and he’ll be redeemed so he and Rey can make out during the sunset.  Canon.  The End.

Thank you so much if you took the time to read all of this nonsense!  I’d love to hear what you all think!

XO, Syd

Oh, and if that isn’t how episode IX plays out one of you better turn it into a bombass fanfiction.  Many thanks.

[demifiendrsa]

Syd Craft: Love Is a Mystery chapter 1 color pages

[iamzeon]

Syd Craft no Saishu Suiri

[saiyef]

Taishi Tsutsui, author of successful long-running harem romcom series We Never Learn: BOKUBEN, returns to Weekly Shounen Jump to begin a new romcom series Syd Craft: Love Is a Mystery

[taembourine]

Exformation

Title: Exformation Pairing: Kibum/Taemin ; Jonghyun/Taemin ; Jonghyun/Jinki Rating: Explicit Genre: Horror/Suspense Warnings: Minor Character Deaths, light dub con elements, murder ideation, anxiety/depression, Panic Attacks, Violent Thoughts,  Alternate Universe - High School, Mind Reading, Manipulation, Child Abuse Mention, Brief Homophobia Mention Final Word Count: 45,230

Summary: Taemin’s teenage life becomes impossibly more complicated when he gains a new ability. A new ability which may or may not lead to a close call with murder.

AN:  Hey guys! So the poll results were announced earlier and it turns out that my fic was one of the top three fics for this year’s SBB! I’m really happy that so many of you enjoyed this fic, and I hope that you will continue to enjoy it! I worked really hard to put this together (hence why I’ve been quiet for so many months) so thank you to everyone who cheered me on and asked after me!

Like always, I’m going to be including some author’s commentary beneath the cut as well as a playlist of music that I listened to while writing this fic, so if you are interested keep reading and please make sure to check out my entry for SBB 2017 <3

Click here to read Exformation

Author Commentary:

So, like usual, I went into this fic with a pretty clear goal in mind: I really wanted to write a fic told from the point of view of a character who is only moderately likeable but still easy to relate to. It was important to me that the reader feel like they don’t necessarily agree with the decisions that Taemin was making, but be able to understand why he was making them. I also really liked the idea of a character who gets a superpower which could have been used for some good, but instead just makes their life more complicated because they use their power for selfish reasons. I was heavily inspired by the movie The Girl Who Leapt Through Time, so I really wanted to base Taemin’s character around the main character of that movie. Of course, a lot of Taemin’s selfishness/overall teenaged way of thinking appeared organically, but I started off thinking about Taemin in that way. I also wanted to focus on the idea of Taemin as an unreliable narrator because I’ve recently been really invested in this way of writing. Its challenging to write from the perspective of someone who is only giving the reader half of the information that they need, but its also really fun! I think this is what contributed to my overall decision to take a lighter/more comical approach with the tone of the story in the beginning before switching to a sudden darker theme. I wanted the reader to feel like they were getting information alongside Taemin, so I wanted the reader to feel as blindsided by everything that was happening as Taemin was. 

As far as the side characters go, I was really interested in crafting a world and relationships that are realistic and also feel like they have some substance to them. I rely pretty heavily on characterization, so I really wanted to explore how far I could take characterization in terms of overall character development. I really enjoy reading stories where the side characters are able to stand on their own and don’t seem to be just there to elevate the main character, so it was important to me that every character have their own unique identity and plotlines. 

As far as choosing Kibum for the primary antagonist (if you want to think about him that way since in a lot of ways, Taemin is his own antagonist) I just really like writing Kibum as an antagonist since I feel like the way I enjoy characterizing him, is as a character who sees things in very black and white ways. It just made natural sense of Kibum to be the character who would be putting all of this together in his head. And for the ending of the fic, I was very inspired by the movie Silence of the Lambs in that you think that you’re on the same page as the main character, only to find out that the narrator is very unreliable. 

And finally, as far as the mind reading ability goes, I really wanted it to just be something that was going on in the background. I didn’t want the story to become a story just about superpowers because I think that the main point of the story was all about how even though Taemin had this power, it didn’t make him consider the thoughts of others any more than he already had. So I wanted the superpowers to just be something happening in the background that the reader just had to accept. 

Songs I listened to while writing this (there are a lot more, but these are the most played):

A Day in the Life - The Beatles 

If I Fell - The Beatles

Someday - The Strokes

Paint it Black - The Rolling Stones

Obstacles - Syd Matters

The Point of No Return - Phantom of the Opera Soundtrack

Rose-Colored Boy - Paramore

Human - Rag’n’Bone Man

Such Great Heights - The Postal Service

Piano Concerto No.2 in C Minor Op 18 II -  Rachmaninoff

Better Together - Jack Johnson

[cancatervation]

favourite music 2017

The affording of enormous weight to barely concealed fragility and vulnerability; when I pore over the contents of my iTunes from the last twelve or so months it’s plainly apparent that this is the hill I’ve elected to die on. Almost all the albums I found myself infatuated with at some point or another in 2017 meditated upon desire, the transience of romance, and the anguish that often accompanies its pursuit.

I’m acutely aware of how oddly this contrasts with my own life, which for the past almost-two-years has been romantically fulfilling in the way that my previous 25 absolutely weren’t. On this, I would say two things. First, that stability is elusive even (maybe especially?) for the most outwardly rose-coloured of us, and that maintaining relationship hygge takes compromise and is not easy, and for those reasons feelings of vulnerability are never far from the front of my mind; and, second, that it’s testament to the skill of certain songwriters and performers that their work was able to make this gay-ass conventionalist really feel something every now and again last year.

I wouldn’t want to suggest that I only just worked out that the theatrical presentation of desire is something I’m drawn to, but certainly there were some things in the past year that I really did begin to understand. Theatricality is often used in a critical sense as pejorative; something that is too extra, that goes too far, that is all tell and no show. Despite its predisposition towards excess, musical theatre has, for instance, always played out as sterile and spurious to me. (Sorry. And look at it this way, you don’t ever need to worry about getting me tickets to Hamilton). It’s so dramatic that it becomes too dramatic; your self-awareness isn’t allowed the chance to be suspended, even for a moment. An album like Lorde’s Melodrama makes its intentions apparent before you’ve even heard a note of it, but its theatrics (and there are many - think of the wailed chorus of “Writer In The Dark”, the gory car crash of “Homemade Dynamite”, the bridge in “Supercut” that accelerates like you’re on a bike rushing down a hill) are as easily consumed by sitting silently in tears as they are dancing, or walking, or lifting heavy weights, or running up a hill (to make or not to make a deal with God), or lying in blissful supta baddha konasana. Anyway, what I’m trying to say is that hyperemotional vulnerability is for all seasons and for all hours of the day and I am now happy to welcome it into every aspect of my life.

I wrote over fifty blurbs for various songs on the Singles Jukebox last year. Some I loved, some I hated, what’s new. I wrote a blurb for “Praying”, Kesha’s first solo single in nearly five years, which turned out to be both the highest scoring song on the site for 2017 and the champion of my personal “list”. I sort of said all this already on the Jukebox, but my love for “Praying” lies nearly entirely in the way Kesha leans so heavily into her aphorisms, finding new ways to bring profundity to ostensibly simple lines like “I’m proud of who I am”. (Contrast this with most of Taylor Swift’s 2017 work, which forewent specific detail in favour of portentously loaded maxim, but forgot about nuance and came up mostly dry). When Kesha punctuates her sermon with a thunderous kick drum, it’s basically game over. As the stories of survivors of sexual assault, abuse and harassment began to dominate news media in the second half of the year, the song only gathered further resonance.  

Lorde’s album held court as my favourite for most of the year. A promo image released by Kelela at the beginning of August threatened a coup. The odds shortened a few days later upon the release of its lead single and the arrival of the full album at the beginning of October marked the tangible takeover. Take Me Apart is all juxtaposition, which when applied to albums is often code for jumbled quagmire, but here there’s too much attention to detail, steadfastness of narrative, and, er, feeling, to get mixed up in anything like that. It see-saws between playful flirting, introspection, self-acceptance, control, loss of control, falling slowly through the sky, and falling fast through the abyss. I love it so much. It’s also very queer and very Black. Support Black queer art! Especially when it’s this well crafted.

Aside from all THAT, my favourite things in music last year were Moses Sumney’s Tiny Desk Concert, attending the Lorde show in the Botanic Gardens,  the line “every single day I fight another war; every single night I feel more powerful!” in Rina Sawayama’s “Take Me As I Am”, and Rihanna telling Diplo his music sounded like a “a reggae song at an airport”.

My ten favourite songs of 2017 were:

1. Kesha “Praying” - as above and here;

2. Lorde “Green Light” - see here. The score given, however, is wrong. Add another point.

3. Sigrid “Strangers” - see here. I can’t wait until she’s everywhere and everyone knows her; her potential to me scans as “unlimited / infinite / fucking enormous, if it must be quantifiable”.

4. MUNA “I Know a Place”. The album version is acceptable but I’m also partial to this live one, which involves some changes to the lyrics.

5. Tove Lo “Disco Tits”. Like a wonky, filthy Kylie B-side played underwater.

6. Kelela “Turn To Dust”. Refer also to the first set of songs below. She didn’t play this at her concert this week, which is lucky, because otherwise its title may have proved prophetic.

7. Nilüfer Yanya “Baby Luv” - see here. See also dirgey diatribe above re: vulnerability.

8. Rae Morris “Do It” - I’ve become more and more besotted with this as time has passed and am not sure whether I’m most impressed by a) the wordplay b) the ping-ponging percussion in the second verse c) the subtle yet giant switch-up halfway through d) the soaring vocals or e) managing all of the above in less than 3 and a half minutes.

9. Rina Sawayama “Alterlife” - it did not take me long to request for lamination of a stan card for a popstar who loves key changes and here deftly incorporates influences as diverse as the Need For Speed soundtrack, Samantha Mumba and Madonna at her glassiest.

10. Tove Styrke “Mistakes” - see here. I’m ready for her to run away with 2018, in or out of a wedding dress.

Aside from those, here are some other songs I enjoyed in 2017, variously categorised and (with the “top 10″) collected in a Spotify playlist, located here:

Songs that can make you feel like you’re floating slowly heavenward

Björk “Arisen My Senses”

Charli XCX “Track 10”

Julie Byrne “Natural Blue”

Julien Baker “Appointments”

Moses Sumney “Quarrel”

Rae Morris “Do It (Nico Muhly Dance Remix)”

Sampha “(No One Knows Me) Like The Piano”

Sevdaliza “Loves Way”

Slowdive “Slomo”

St. Vincent “Slow Disco”

Susanne Sundfør “Undercover”

Dance music that I barely pay any attention to throughout the calendar year and then become unusually enthusiastic about come end-of-year-list season

Bicep “Vale”

Gerd Janson x Shan "Surrender”

Honey Dijon “Catch The Beat”

Jad & The “Strings That Never Win”

Kink “Perth”

Minor Science “Volumes”

Octo Octa “Adrift (Avalon Emerson’s Furiously Awake Version)”

Shanti Celeste “Make Time”

SW. “Untitled B2”

The xx “On Hold (Jamie xx Remix)”

Yaeji “Raingurl”

Songs for the summer gloaming

Charlotte Day Wilson “Doubt”

Daniel Caesar “Blessed”

Frank Ocean “Chanel”

Jessie Ware “Stay Awake, Wait For Me”

Ladi6 “Guru”

Rachel Foxx “Happen To Me”

Sampa The Great “Bye River”

Sevyn Streeter “Before I Do”

Syd “Body”

Tyler, The Creator “Garden Shed feat. Estelle”

Plaintive songs for grey afternoon walks

Alvvays “Dreams Tonite”

Amandla Stenberg “Let My Baby Stay”

HAIM “You Never Knew”

Kehlani “Advice”

Khalid “Winter”

Lana Del Rey “Love”

Laura Marling “Next Time”

Paramore “Forgiveness”

Perfume Genius “Die 4 You”

St. Vincent “Happy Birthday, Johnny”

SZA “Prom”

Taylor Swift “New Year’s Day”

Best bangers

Amber Mark “Heatwave”

Charli XCX “Lipgloss feat. Cupcakke”

Charli XCX “Porsche feat. MØ”

Charlotte Gainsbourg “Deadly Valentine”

Charly Bliss “Glitter”

Drake “Get It Together feat. Jorja Smith & Black Coffee”

Dua Lipa “New Rules”

Haiku Hands “Not About You”

Ibibio Sound Machine “Give Me A Reason”

ionnalee “Samaritan”

J. Balvin x Willy William “Mi Gente feat. Beyoncé”

J. Hus “Did You See”

Jessie Ware “Your Domino”

Jorja Smith x Preditah “On My Mind”

Kah-Lo “Fasta”

Kelela “Truth Or Dare”

Kendrick Lamar “LOYALTY. feat. Rihanna”

Kllo “Last Yearn”

Leikeli47 “Miss Me”

Lorde “Sober”

Maliibu Miitch “4AM”

Miguel “Banana Clip”

Nite Jewel “2 Good 2 Be True”

Paramore “Hard Times”

Phoenix “J-Boy”

Rina Sawayama “Take Me As I Am”

Ronika “Better Than Ever”

Rose Elinor Dougall “All At Once”

Sigrid “Don’t Kill My Vibe”

Stormzy “Big For Your Boots”

The Horrors “Something To Remember Me By”

Tove Lo “Shedontknowbutsheknows”

Whethan “love gang feat. Charli XCX”

Wolf Alice “Don’t Delete The Kisses”

Finally, here are thirty albums I loved last year. Onwards and upwards!

1. Kelela Take Me Apart

2. Lorde Melodrama

3. SZA Ctrl

4. Fever Ray Plunge

5. Charly Bliss Guppy

6. Wolf Alice Visions Of A Life

7. Rina Sawayama RINA

8. Jessie Ware Glasshouse

9. Tove Lo Blue Lips

10. Charli XCX Pop 2

11. MUNA about u

12. Moses Sumney Aromanticism

13. Sevdaliza ISON

14. St Vincent MASSEDUCTION

15. Susanne Sundfør Music For People In Trouble

16. Ibeyi Ash

17. Sampa The Great Birds & The Bee9

18. Kink Playground

19. Daniel Caesar Freudian

20. Bicep Bicep

21. Sophia Kennedy - Sophia Kennedy

22. Miguel War & Leisure

23. Laura Marling Semper Femina

24. Ibibio Sound Machine Uyai

25. Jen Cloher Jen Cloher

26. Dua Lipa Dua Lipa

27. The xx I See You

28. Honey Dijon The Best Of Both Worlds

29. Kesha Rainbow

30. Leikeli47 Wash & Set

[harrybridgers]

hiii, i have a weird question ! could you rate pink floyd's albums from favorite to least favorite?

this is torturously hard for me to do oh my gOd alright i’ll try my best??? (((i’m not gonna do all of them bc they have,,,15 albums??? so these are my top ones)) also i don’t think i have a least favourite?? i basically owe my life to pink floyd so 

1. the wall um yeah so this is both my favourite pink floyd album and honestly??? my favourite album of all time. this is like,,,,the quintessential prog rock concept album,,,there’s nothing else like it and the engineering and the way it flows is just magic!! i wrote a 3k word paper and did a 20 minute presentation on this album based on one motif and could literally talk about it for hours. it’s just brilliant!!!! the way gilmour and waters play off each other to create the juxtaposition of voices and characteristics and tell this amazing story is just,,,,,fucking incredible, waters especially shines so much in this album he’s my dad. if u haven’t listened to it before, the first time u need to find yourself a nice pair of headphones, close your eyes, and listen to it the whole way through with no skipping. it’s a rollercoaster ride + i listen to it honestly once a day

2. wish you were here this shit makes me just straight up sob at its perfection,,,,wish you were here,,,,,shine on you crazy diamond,,,,,,,yall know this shit ruins me,,,,,,pure genius i love my fathers

3. the dark side of the moon truly iconic????? money + time are like,,the most genius songs ever created?? alan parsons and waters really went to those antique stores and recorded different clocks and registers and coins like,,,,fuck me up. also the foley in money plays to a 7/4 tempo and has a MINT sax solo,,,and then gilmour comes in and fucks us all up with a 4/4 guitar solo like whomst the FUCK?? also great gig in the sky is truly like heaven to me that song is so so so so gorgeous wow,,,,,eclipse makes me question my entire life and existence,,,,,,this album shaped engineering and prog rock forever tbh 

4. atom heart mother this album like,,,,god,,,,,,it just gives me a lot of emotions,,,,,,‘if’ genuinely makes me dissociate and cry like if i listen to that song on the train my soul leaves my body and i miss my stop,,,just a super emo album its so lovely  

5. meddle so wonderfully crafted,,,,echoes is masterful,,,,i have nothing else to say

6. a momentary lapse of reason signs of life into learning to fly is like,,,,space and elation and the SYYYNNNTTHHHS are delicious,,,,just a rly pretty album the composition is amazing 

7. the piper at the gates of dawn the most weird 60s brit prog rock and i love it,,,,its the only album w syds input and im very attached to it 

8. obscured by clouds this shit is sO good,,,,every song goes off gilmour is a guitar genius fuck me up

okay i thinks thats it for now bc i literally could go on and on forever ((animals, the final cut,,,relics,,,,,every album pink floyd have ever done,,,,,)) but yeah i think these are the ones i usually listen to the most,,,,but as i said i owe them my life and choosing between albums is like choosing between children