#sure im the most suicidal ive been in a long time but im also the most functional ive ever been and i have things to do

[steampoweredskeleton]

.

Ignore

[nadianova]

How much time do you spend planning some of your visual novels? At least going by some of them being jam submissions, it feels like you go from pre-production to a finished build very quickly, and it's amazing how you can manage that while still having an awesome story and so many assets.

Also, what is like, the process of planning a story out for you, if there's any vague or concrete similarities that you've noticed?

i think the important context here is that if i get bored/have nothing to do i jhust immediately get really suicidal its like ridiculous how bad it gets(ITS FINE DONT WORRY ABOUT IT IVE HAD 5 YEARS OF THERAPY). so i hate being bored and want to occupy my time wit something fun whatever that is. if i have a project to focus on but especially if I'm working for a game jam i have a deadline and i just decide to myself okay i will release a game now.

because ive made a decent amount of games i roughly have an idea on my capabilities, i can estimate how long it takes for me to write a story so and so long and how long it takes for me to draw stuff i need and how long it takes for me to throw stuff in renpy. these are estimates like as in I'm not accurate with it but still enough that i generally know where to start cutting ideas since the most important part is just having something to submit. i also know to plan around my brain wanting to slam my head into a wall an my hands suddenly giving up on being able to draw.

i think thats the beauty of game jams it forces you to just go for it and release something. releasing a 'bad' game is better than no game at all. experience only comes over time and i think just going for it is the best approach there is. like its literally 2 weeks 1 month whatever of your life. if you have the time and motivation go for it. make it work or fuck it up it wont matter in the grand scheme of things

im not sure what is the motivation behind the question but i do want to point out that this is just my method (if you can even call it a method) and the only way to figure out what works for you is to just try until you find something that actually works for you

idk not everyone will find it doable/fun to plan around spending two weeks gamedev 10 hours a day just cause i wanted to fit in 100 cgs for a jam game but apparently i can do that when i cheat my stupid adhd brain into hyperfocus with adhd meds

READMORE BECAUSE I CANT STOP RAMBLING

as for planning tho i think ideas on their own are worthless and its always about execution in the end. a great idea or a meh idea are the same for me but i do still enjoy the planning process so i keep notes

like i see a great tumblr post or i see some art or visual novel has some scene that inspires me: i save that shit for myself

having a big collection of random floating ideas like that helps me easily pick from especially during a jam type duration. right now i have like 4-5 half-baked project skeletons, some are literally like 3 pictures and some like naomida are a hundred hours worth of me writing world building about how the toilets work in a city with no plumbing cause its -30celcius(i love bringing this up)=

i dont normally plan that much, i tend to just wing it. like for malmaid i seriously just had some rough ideas and just went along as i wrote

same thing for dddeviance i had a handful of scenes that i really wanted to make and knew what kind of start and end it was meant to have and just figured out how to fill the in between. a lot of plot points changed vastly like halfway through i realised my devil + angel combination was stupid and i should just go for fallen angel + angel.

i think there really is no simple answer tho (as evident from the long as hell post) i don't really have a 'process' because every single game has been worked on has come with different type of planning since I'm always trying new stuff to try and distract me from boredom. like I've been using obsidian for naomida while previously I've just used a empty discord serve as my notes app for malmaid and dddeviance

and tbh with naomida I'm running to a new problem where I'm definitely planning too much. like I'm spending too much time fidgeting with details in chapter 4 even when i haven't finished writing chapter 1 just cause its so easy to get in the loop of "oh ill just change this one line" and boom 20 mins spent playing with my notes that didn't really progress my game since by the time i reach this point the whole scene might have shifted to something else

.

but if i had to squeeze an answer itd be something like everything related to my art or writing or games is just like "oooooo that seems fun i should remember this for later" and then i just string 10-100 of those into a story

i tend to write my stories in a format of

character A does this and that

this happens here

puppy play ryona piss orgasm

new day and then this happens here

sad thing happens

more piss orgasm

the end

and just like start filling in more details and working on my story in a nonlinear fashion until i feel like i have a strong enough skeleton that i can start writing my scenes. i hop around a lot, often preferring to write the fun scenes first like ero stuff or the ones I'm the most interested in and then the rest is just filling the blanks and stringing the cool scenes together

[frankendykez]

What r ur oc stories about?

OMG HIHI I NEVER HAD SOMEONE OUTSIDE OF MY CURRENT FRIENDS ACTUALLY ASK BEFORE UMMMM OKAY SO. i have 3! main oc stories that i Really care about at the moment but im Deeply fixated on mainly 1 of them but im gonna start with the one ive been liek "promoting" the most in a sense!! under read more cuz im gonna try to exlain all three of them bless. sorry if i seem overly passionate oops i was TRYING to summarise im sorry its so long u rlly dont Have to read All of it

Forgotten Man's Symphony

his (louis manoir) character is basically a spin off from a character mentioned in the novel frankensetin exactly (1) time by name in elizabeth's letter and by far he is the most organised oc of mine cuz we do actually have a clean, understandable summary doc (thought it is a tad bit outdated but its okay). shes like the most Normal narrative-wise i suppose so i'm not exactly sure on how to explain the plot of forgotten man's symphony it's just like??? him ruining his life in front of the reader and then #Healing?? i guess?? the story is an epistolary that starts with louis' Suicide Letter. so like. yeah. BUT!! i suppose i would say his story very much concerns the concept of like identity (including gender and such she would be considred either transfemme/bigender by the modern world but also idfk cuz i made her complicated and confusing on purpose) and also the lack thereof + the negative impact that comes with trying so hard to fit into the societal norms and what people Want you to be but you just Can't be, cutting away bits of yourself to fit through some sort of hole representing the perfect version of you until theres nothing left of Who You Are expect a palatable and small version yk?? and the the endless pursuit of wanting to be loved that leads yourself to changing and changing for people who just wont care or love you for realsies + @rosaniruby 's words "making it even like that so its not YOU who is loving and being loved but the dim visage of a version of you that fits the picture of what society loves; that it's not a love between individuals, it's the love for a society that cannot ever love anything because it was made to hate. and who believes that portrayal of love will not find it and forever be stuck. smth like society loves what it deems as perfect and hates the imperfect, since perfect doesn't exist it can only do the second one. and louis wanted to love perfect victor, hated his own imperfect self. but the perfect victor doesnt exists, and neither does any version of louis."

i like her he's great. sorry if that was less telling u WHAT his story is and more like Explaining the "themes" as theyre called of the story but idrk how to describe nromal stuff so TAKE WHAT U CAN GET!!! anyways,

Domus Carnis: The Transmutation of Guinevere Manor

idk if you're aware but i have a hyperfix on architectural horror and i DON'T MEAN SCARY GHOSTS AND SERIAL ILLERS IN AN ABANDONED HOUSE I MEAN HAUNTED HOUSES THAT ARE ALIVE THAT IS A METAPHOR FOR PTSD FROM CHILDHOOD TRAUMA ETC ETC!! this story By making it started my whole obsession with the House it's crazy... scary even.. (i recommend you watch jacob geller's video essay about houses) i really do like domus carnis but it's. Messy to say the least. i do feel as if i ought to change the time period it's set in to avoid talking about the wars going on in the time period i accidentally set it in without realising but im procrastinating on that rn. it was Suppose to be late 1800s to early 1900s..

in a few simple words: flesh-and-bone made lesbian sex house. does that get your attention yet. bless

domus carnis (which literally means flesh house in latin or something) will be written in the POV of a 40ish year old widowed woman by the name of harriet wren's diary entries, occasionally switching to the POV of her 20-something year old godson percival who is like old timey jake paul and hes like either a journalistt or a radio host depending if i choose to change the time period or not. we follow them after harriet's husband dies of whatever and they find out he has a large property in a foreign country of which they had not known of prior

somewhere in germany there is a house of ex-aristocrats that no longer live there that is Alive. the House becomes alive because it is in a sense "possesed" (not haunted) the ghost of kathryna von guinevere who was the last one to die in the house, who, in life, was incredibly obsessed with The House for reasons that i fear are too long to explain without boring you and going into info pre-story?? anyways, when she "posseses" the house, the materials of the house shift to flesh, blood and bone because it Materially becomes her body. now, it would be hard to accurately label what represents what body part, because it's all strangely jumbled up and isn't like really human anatomy either cuz kathryna Can in fact see inside herself?? anyways whatever. now, the house is now both her body AND her mind. i have taken the phrase "haunted by memories/trauma" and turned it literal. the house IS haunted, but most of the ghosts aren't ghosts, theyre mostly all manifestation of Memory from her life because she actively is replaying the speech and actions of other people IN her mind to process the (typically traumatic) events of which she's seen or experienced. the ghosts CANNOT do as they please because they only exist at all Due to kathryna remembering them in these specific scenes. the hauntings include scenes of people, sounds, and shadows. unless the "scene" has a mirror, you cannot see kathy directly because you are witnessin things through HER eyes, which makes memories from wee childhood interesting because im wondering if i should make the "people" seem wayy bigger than the viewer if stuff is replayed from childhood..

i really like the fact that a lot of this is based on memory because it opens a lot of doors to me when it comes to the appearance of hauntings. my friend showed me this video depicting neurons forgetting how a face looks like, and i feel as if i could use that in the story because well, realistically kathy isnt going to have a Pristine memory cuz she Was just a human before, not to mention the fact shes already suppose to have issues on facial recognition/rememberance (my friend with these sisues suggetsed htis). the alteration of the ghosts' bodies could be fucked with even more if i try to make use and research into the way that people (mostly children) can in fact like.... change the image of something traumatic in their brain and make it less scary bc the brain is trying to protect them? yeah. AND ALSO the fact that a lot of people forgets certain aspects of their trauma due to their brain trying to protect them as well but still have this feeling of Unease when it comes o specific things that they cant explain, i could incorporate this feeling in certain areas of the House, the strange uneasiness. i experience that myself so i hope ill portray it right!!

i Think that's it?? at least that should be the bare bones of the story... i have a pin board tho if u want to check it out!!

The Epinicium

THIS is the stupid fucking thnag thats ruining my entire life rn. i love it i hate it whagever man. THIS ONE ill keep short and simple because im too fucking mentally ill about it to explain in depth without being asked questions

so basically its fantasy world but not like. Completely new high fantasy i very loosely based the countries off of like real countries and stuff bc lazy as shite so its like mid fantasy maybe HOWEVER

basically its set in this world where theres a shit ton of religions and gods and shit and theres three categories of religions (the world is veyr uhnm. Categorical idk): earth, science and the arts. basically the arts religions are the majority and the gods of those religions are called the muses so thats what i'll be calling them from now on. the basic plot of epinicium is about the muses of the music religion declaring that humanity doesnt treat music as "holy enough" anymore and taking it away as a whole (songbirds go extinct as well which is importnat) which also fucks up the other arts religionsdue to the fact that artforms are very connected but they still exist yk and centuries later our main cast attempts to bring it back!!! we have this server with a channel that has the "summary" but its not a real summary its just an already outdated infodump but we are Trying to fill this doc but we're failing really hard but friendship is magic idk.

fin.

anyways thats. pretty much it i think im sorry its too long once again 😭😭 feel free to ask question esp on the epinicium!! id love to hear abt ur ocs btw ive yapped so much oops

[w98pops]

TW: SUICIDE MENTION, VIOLENCE

i knew i said i would take a little break, but ive been mentally declining a lot and drawing my silly guys is my way of coping. I never actually properly drew Wendy from 2301, so im filling in the blanks.

I'd like to think of her as a person who never actually... grows up. She just kinda gets taller and more sad over time. Wendy was always very vulnerable but cheerful, and House kinda groomed her into a serious and politically aware person, still unbelievably vulnerable but a viable subject nonetheless. I always had this problem with writing her relationship with another canon character, no one realistically would give a fuck about her and her opinions. Sure, maybe Arcade will pity Wendy because she's "stupid" from a neurotypical point of view, but other than that, she doesn't have any weight in any political conversation that's going on in the Mojave. So I made her really fucking stubborn. Annoyingly so. Wendy just... gets the job done. She's resourceful, efficient and very easy to manipulate. A perfect fit for a House's courier, I think. She doesn't question his orders, she does not care for consequences as long as she has House as her cover (a trait she inherited from her step-father) and she's sometimes sociopathic and numb to voices of empathy. Not in a "edgelord murder killer girl" way but more like. She doesn't see people who hurt her as humans. A coping mechanism that would probably be the end of her, sometime in the future. I mean, she did confront Benny and got really physical. There was no way she could've win a fight against a grown ass man, and Benny did beat the shit out of her, but in the end he was the one with a cracked open skull. I just like to think that her pure madness and helplessness was enough to fuel her mind and overpower something she had no chance against in the first place. SPEAKING OF CHANCE. That's why I think she would totally get along with Chance, the Khan from the comic. I don't really put a thought about how he would've survived or joined her, but they're pretty much soulmates. They have very different backgrounds, personalities, literally anything, but Chance recognises her rage. Her inability to do what's right and the constant fight against unfightable (?) circumstances she's facing every day. I'd like to think he's autistic too. As a treat.

So yeah, she's super uncertain about anything in her life, and that makes her a very useful tool in the hands of a right man. Mr. House mastefully manipulated her personality in a conventional way, taught her the secret and mysterious knowledge of "masking" and sat her down for a few years to teach her ways of the capital and created this really sad but smart and charismatic politician with no real political voice whatsoever. She's also very cute and sweet looking so yeah. He made himself a Tandi. 😭😭 Also he scanned her brains, which would totally not be a big plot point for the future.

Almost perfect, but Sharky is here too, for some reason. He's the biggest pain in the House's ass since Benny. He has a certain emotional intellect, not easy to bribe or manipulate in mental or physical way, he really fucking cares for his sister, and is very aware of the things The Big Guy does to her. See, Sharky wasn't raised by his sister, she was a child herself at that time, and his mother didn't play much role either, too busy bickering with Aletus and then later too busy drinking and fucking in Gomorrah. Sharky was raised by the Strip and the rules of Wasteland. He might not be the smartest guy alive, but emotionally he's mature beyond belief. He's very observant, empathetic and cunning person. Even tho he was mute most of his childhood because of child neglect and untreated autism, he has incredible social skills and a Yes-man in his basement he found while renovating the Tops. He has a plan. Not a good one, but a plan nonetheless.

I have so much OC material I'm ought to write a fanfic. Or a comic, idk. In my dreams, sure, but it's still refreshing to talk about my ocs and draw them, and recieving feedback and praise for my storytelling skills 😭😭😭 it means a lot. Thank you all for reading this far!!!

[youremyheaven]

hi, this is my second time sending it and i pray you receive it. i'm the 22yo anon with the relationships, social dread and sexuality question. ill try my best to rewrite as quick as possible. i would like to be guided and need your big sister advise,,, i don't know how to ask and word my issues smoothly 😓😓,,, (context- ive known to be demiromantic and little to no fixation on sex, on the asexual spectrum?) so i just turned 22 and have a crush and looks like he too likes me the same and im sure its going to get serious,, i have been nervous about talking about my preferences with my crush because someday i have to explain to them because i have friends and peers around me asking me to "get some" and that it's normal and it's how it'll change my asexuality?? to them im just faking being uncomfortable around bed talk even though i agree i can be the holiest nun but i do catch myself having the highest libido therefore take care of myself without needing anyone from time to time. pleasing for me felt like an annoying itch that needed to be scratched like most people,,, corn doesn't do it for me so I never understood the hype and didn't feel a thing,,, yes I have crushes but im not aching and wanting to bang them,, a bunch of my peers have at a young age and unsafely which got one of them pregnant, being in indian society it's looked down upon and what my friend had to go through was rough and it had a huge impact,,, though my parents are forward thinking people and openly and safely talked about this topic with me without having shame tied to it and my mother also makes it a comfortable space,, im not shaming anyone who engages in activities like these and i also understand that its human nature and it's how we procreate and evolve yet i still get very uncomfortable around sexual scenes in movies maybe it's my own childhood trauma causing this feeling of dread and discomfort from my childhood,,,,

besides my friends and family, i shared my asexuality to my aunt and baby cousin,,,,, they were supportive but kept being skeptic like my peers would saying this is temporary 💀 that i need to get laid asap which bothered me sm,,, my cousin now (a party, club going personality) too has engaged in activities with her exes since she was a preteen and im the only one in the fam who knows (desi household is no joke) and im worried for her safety though she seems independent but i do feel concerned and wonder if i should let her be because she has been distant and lord knows who she is with next,,,,she's much much younger but coming from a wealthy family kinda looks down on me and for not having any relationship experiences so distanced herself from me which hurts,,, bottom line i feel ostracized to a degree by people i care about and there is this insane pressure to have to talk about my trauma and issues around sex,,, as they say it's a man's birth right and they all want it at some point and so will your crush or men will leave you the minute they get that repulsion??😓

i might consider it for my man someday but i don't want it to affect my relationship with men??

how do i face people when im not taken seriously or call it a nun phase? i don't want to lose men over this and who better than you to ask,,,, im typing and im all teared up,,, i need clarity on how to approach this better without having internalized any pain, guilt for feeling the way i do. you can answer when you're ready and sorry i made it too long 😞😣

This is my third attempt

"this is my third attempt" 😭😭😭

girlie ur not going for JEE mains 😭😭this is just my inbox

(for non desis, JEE is a highly competitive college entrance exam,, ppl prepare for it for YEARS and some ppl commit suicide when they cant crack it 🤡 explaining it is taking the fun away from the joke but thought id give u context <33)

but ANYWAYYYS

first of all dont apologize for the long ask or for sharing your experiences,, I GOTCHU 😘💛

now about your question:

one thing u need to know is that the right person will NEVER EVER make u feel "compelled" to have sex,, ive had partners during my celibate era who i didnt even kiss lol and they were entirely fine with it

pls dont listen to your friends and family and believe that sex is something you OWE your partner/men. i had many nasty friends tell me the same or try to convince me that i "should" do it bc otherwise its not a "real" relationship and im so glad i never listened to them<33

i also know many women who are waiting for marriage to have sex but have boyfriends atm. they all have different degrees of intimacy that they're okay with (some go up to oral and leave penetrative intercourse for marriage, others just kiss, makeout and cuddle) but u can also have a zero intimacy relationship. if a man wants you and wants to be with you, HE WILL DO ANYTHING. i once told a guy (he was 21 and i was 23 and he wanted to date me) that im celibate and dont want to have sex and he said "thats perfectly fine, i didnt ask you out to sleep with you, i want to be with you, whatever your terms are, thats fine by me" and honestly there are MANY such dudes out there,, not every guy is a porn addicted weirdo who believes u OWE them sex 🤮🤢🤢🤮

u dont have to have casual sex if you dont want to!! esp since you're a virgin, i think its important for you to be wise about your partner and choose someone who is considerate and caring!!! THIS IS NOT A RACE, you can have sex later in life, i assure you its nothing special if you feel "compelled" to do it/dont like your partner/dont feel comfortable.

having another person inside u is as intimate as two people can be and it is so vulnerable,, dont rush it and dont do it with someone u dont trust to take you through the experience tenderly!!!

i think you just need to drop your friends lol,, they sound unhealthy

if i dont include my r4pist, then ive had sex with 3 people (i dont actually want to include baldie tbh but 🤢🤮) and 2 of those were with a partner (1 is my current partner) and those experiences were so pleasant and wonderful<3 ive had people tell me i "should" try casual sex 🙄but its not for me and even now i tell you, i have no issues staying celibate, i think its better to just not have sex than to have dissatisfying sex ://

you wont "lose" men over sex lol, you might lose immature men but those are exactly the guys u want nothing to do with!!! its a great way to weed them out!!!

i follow a 5 date rule with sex actually. i have to like him enough to go on atleast 5 dates with him before we do anything intimate,, if he seems impatient or too eager or whatever, then cut his nasty ass out,,

(this is just general advice for anyone, i know you dont want to have sex<3)

stop telling people your personal business btw!! you dont have to share your sex life or lack thereof with all your friends bc its none of their business at the end of the day. ESPECIALLY since they dont seem to understand where youre coming from, you should stop sharing this stuff with them. this is not info that you owe them just bc ya'll are friends. i absolutely hate sharing my personal business with my "friends" and all the times i have, i absolutely regretted it. i hate that kind of interference. like YOU dont get to have an opinion about my life lol??

basically, stay private, you do you, nothing wrong with being asexual or being celibate, sex is overhyped and most men dont know how to fck (sorry to speak facts) and the right partner wont want sex from you. there are men who take care of bedridden partners. love makes anything possible. and i hope you find someone who truly genuinely loves you so that you never have to worry about any of this.

i also hope you get better friends!!!<33

wishing u the best,

Heaven<3

[baby-yaga]

long post where i talk about how annoying it is being a survivor of sexual abuse lol

not sure how common of a concept this is now but when i was growing up, there seemed to be this concept that sexual assault survivors in particular would be better off if we had died during our attacks. like the process of dealing with our traumas is so awful that we would be better off if we had been killed.

again, not sure how much this is a thought now. sometimes i see survivors in especially low spots saying they wish they had been killed, but i dont think someone suffering to the point of suicidal ideation is the same as, what i perceived to be, a [usa] society-wide agreement that sexual abuse and rape are too awful to ever have a life worth living ever again. i feel incredibly insulted by this now. again, not by other survivors expressing pain, but other people, whove never been through something like this, expressing that their life just wouldnt be worth living if they had been attacked.

this is the only life we can prove we have, and no one goes through it untouched by trauma and pain and death. sure, not everyone experiences sexual trauma, but why should this be any different than any other traumatic event? why should traumatic events period be considered a reason that someones life is no longer worth living? i think its a huge failing of society period that thats even a thought non-survivors could have. that quality of life is believed to be and frequently is so low for survivors of trauma that people who havent been through this would rather die.

you can see this with other forms of trauma too, particularly with physical disability, especially if it was caused by an accident. maybe such a breach of bodily integrity is just too awful for most people to conceive of.

but bodies change all the time. we get older, we get scars, we get rashes and random bruises that we dont know the origin of, we develop new allergies and lose old ones, our eyesight changes with age, as do our other senses, we develop new appreciations for tastes we hated when we were younger, our teeth discolor from coffee or smoking or tea!

part of life is just learning to accept changes as they come. survivors of assault and car accidents can have amazing quality of life--IF THEY ARE GIVEN SUPPORT. denial of support is the thing that makes our lives actually worse long term. i wish that we had what we need. i wish survivors of sexual assault could come forward and receive actual material support, money, stable housing, medical care, mental health care, things that we need to be independent and safe. things that make us safer than being interrogated by police for a crime that was committed AGAINST US! only for the perpetrator to not get charged, receive no jail time [because carceral punishment DOESNT WORK and only exists to exploit labor, not to protect the victims of crimes], and get no therapy or social worker or anything that could potentially keep them from assaulting someone else.

something ive been joking about recently is the worst thing about being a victim of sex trafficking and csam is the labor exploitation. like im a very fortunate broke in that i dont need to pay rent but i also dont think illl ever be able to really be financially stable enough to have my own home, when who-knows-how-much money was made off of my body when i was just a child. as insane as it might sound, i want the money that was made off of me! justice cannot ever be served for what was done to me. what was done cant be fixed, and what was taken is irreplaceable. but i know there was real money exchanged, and it would be a good start.

my honest assumption is that csa is way more common than is reported, because ive spoken to many fellow survivors that never reported what happened to them, including me! i think any of us should be able to walk into a police station and demand infinite money lol

[seerofmike]

Mike's Media Medley--August 2024

damn i just keep making these increasingly later huh. i have no free time babey

anyways, things i watched and played for the very first time in august 2024

movies (2024 releases)-- Longlegs, Cuckoo, Alien: Romulus, Dìdi

movies (non-2024 releases)--Judas and the Black Messiah (2021), Anatomy of a Fall (2023)

games: Rocket League (2015), Fields of Mistria (2024)

Alien: Romulus

so i have a few mixed feelings on this. first im gonna say my biggest issue is that some of the characters spoke in incredibly heavy cockney accents and i literally did not understand a single word they said. thankfully some of them are not around for long

second, this movie is VERY interested in reminding you of the alien franchise. hey, you liked this line from aliens? here it is. you recognize this guy right? look at his face for several minutes. do you remember ridley scott's 1979 masterpiece, alien? i do. i sure remember ridley scott's 1979 masterpiece, alien. speaking of, ian holm's character is here, and his face has been deepfaked and allegedly this is with permission from his family but just. the whole thing feels incredibly wrong to me.

third, this is the second movie i have seen cailee spaeny in ever and i am just like. not feeling it. i think she had a better performance in Civil War but also her character in Romulus was way smarter and more likeable, by virtue of the fact that she didn't have much in the way personality-wise for me to get annoyed at and was mostly just there to do a lot of competent alien fighting stuff. which is fine, whatever, normally this would be Okay for an action-horror film

HOWEVER, david jonsson just absolutely blew everyone out of the water acting-wise. honestly one of my favorite performances of the year. his whole character brought most of the emotional core to the movie which is why i think it's kind of a shame cailee's character didn't quite uphold her end of that emotional core but i do think in the end her going back for him was sweet.

the set design and effects were very good, and so was the camerawork and editing. i know i just expressed annoyance with the 'do you remember alien?'isms of the movie but the set design is VERY reminiscent of alien and that's a boon.

the sexual violence was way more overt here and it culminates in the only (non-jumpscare) moment in a horror movie ive experienced where a mostly-silent audience audibly gasps or goes 'what the FUCKKKKK'. if you know you know

the movie is like. midway between Okayish and Just Fine, Actually. might watch it with friends on an alien binge. david jonsson carried.

60/100

Anatomy of a Fall (2023)

i watched this with my mother, who was immensely frustrated by the conclusion of the movie but i really enjoyed it. i thought the whole idea of putting her character on trial because the only two options presented are 'murder' and 'suicide' and she was the only one in the house led to a lot of interesting introspection to be had. the child actor is one of the better one's i've seen (maybe even the best) and obviously sandra huller did great with such a subtle performance

i think generally the directing/editing were fine. good, even. they'd have to be with this movie being a slow burn. HOWEVER there were some parts that just felt weird and made me. laugh?? the kid discovering his father's body where they do that weird zoom-track shot made me legit laugh out loud because it felt like youtube video editing NWENFKJWNKJWN

also snoop is a good dog 10/10 for snoop

i DID like it but would probably not rewatch it as i think a big pull for this movie is the tension in whether or not she Did It, and knowing the conclusion i think would inhibit my ability to rewatch it even if i did greatly enjoy the character work

75/100

Cuckoo

i really truly did want to like cuckoo more than i did but i just kind of walked out going "that was okay"

this was the first time i'd seen hunter schafer in anything (except for the ballad of songbirds and snakes, but her character was really minor) and i thought she was fine. she acted decently, i just had a few more wishes from the script.

the entire atmosphere of the film, editing, directing, sound design, all of that is really good. the 'repeat' sequences are really chilling despite how simple they are in effect. most of my issues come from the script

i think, in some movies, not explaining much works really well in its favor, but with cuckoo which ends with the Main Guy heading the experiment as the villain, in his laboratory and at the hospital where the experiment is being held, with all these scientists with recordings of whats going on etc., it explains shockingly little about what's going on with the actual monster/aliens/mutants idk, which i would have greatly appreciated since the whole concept of them and their behaviors is like. Weird.

i did appreciate some of the moments between hunter's character and her little sister, especially that voice mail, but i do think that their development from estranged and awkward tense half-siblings to 'i'll die for you' at the end is kind of abrupt, would have appreciated seeing more of her sister as a real character throughout the movie.

the plot twist was cool though

overall, i think it's a good watch, it's not BAD by any means, i just wanted a bit more out of it. regardless, im glad to support movies like these at my local theater :p

65/100

Dìdi

i had to go to AMC to see this which sucked and i hated it

anyways. dìdi! i thought it was very unsatisfying in like, a satisfying way, existjng more as a snapshot of a real person's life in the early 2000s, and not as a story with like proper pay-off and all that. cuz like in a movie ur kind of expecting all these big dramatic moments to happen. his dad comes back. his grandma dies. he gets the girl. and some dramatic moments DO happen but not like big movie dramatic moments. its just a snapshot of a shithead kid's life and i loved that

like. the payoff to his whole deal with madi is just like. blocking her on AOL. there isnt like a big falling out with the skaters they just think he's kind of lame and also rude to his mom. there isnt really a huge fallout w fahad he just said something awkward and got phased out of the friend group. i found the whole thing worked really well for me but i would totally understand if it didn't work for a lot if people because yeah the MC is insufferable lmao, which is honestly the hardest part of watching the movie.

70/100

Judas and the Black Messiah (2021)

i would like to say first that although i am glad daniel kaluuya won his oscar for this lakeith stanfield absolutely shouldve gotten more recognition, he was the best part of the LA death note and he had such a presence in get out despite his minor role. and obviously he fucked so hard in Sorry To Bother You. so seeing him win for a movie that got this amount of buzz at the oscars wouldve made me super happy for him, but i love daniel kaluuya too and idk if i could pick between them for favorite performance of the movie.

anyways this is probably one of my favorite historical dramas i've ever seen. it is paced EXTREMELY well for something that could've gotten bogged down in trying to commit every piece of history to film as it could and while it definitely glosses over a lot of stuff / shortens the timeline of IRL events ie w the formation of the Rainbow Coalition, i think overall the movie does incredibly well portraying the tensions at the time and in between the characters themselves and god i hope hoover is rotting in hell

also speaking of Get Out. fuckign. Lil Rel Howerey made a cameo and between him Lakeith and Daniel it wouldve been a Get Oit reunion party NSIDNEIWNE

obviously go check it out if you haven't yet. good movie.

80/100

Longlegs

man i almost feel like i have to watch this movie again before i talk about it i feel like i had so much to say but i need a refresher NWIDJEK

the marketing for this movie was insane first of all. secondly, theres so much commitment to this like. wood aesthetic. so many shots are in buildings / hallways / rooms with lots of wood. speaking of shots this movie looks SO fucking good. i think if nothing else its a great atmosphere piece thats pretty to look at.

i would call it a thriller as opposed to a straight up horror and as someone who loves the Ring I wish it gave me more of those vibes, with the MC trying to solve this strange supernatural mystery on a time limit, trying to dig up dead things, but i thought that what it achieved was Perfectly Functional.

i honestly truly dont know what i think of this movie i need to watch it again. im sitting between a "it was alright" score and a "it was good" score i think

67.5/100

bideo games

Fields of Mistria (2024)

this game has such a nice color palette ohg i need to play it again. some of the player character animations look a little weird and the controls are slightly Off but its fine. i want the pretty gay people on my computer

Rocket League (2015)

this game pissed me off so bad i hope it dies

[staraxiaa]

I just read Sunflower and i kid you not, i directly send a 3 minutes long voice mess to my boyfriend. This was genius. Incredible. I love you. Please teach me. Please be happy. You deserve the world. My head is going to ne filled with this.

responding to all your comments that you've left here below - thank you, you are so kind. this is really long. sorry for the yapping.

firstly, oh my god. the one you left on sunflower LMAOO i laughed out loud bc i never imagined someone would like my work so much, that they'd contemplate printing it! i'm glad you enjoyed the way i wrote the reader - i wasn't sure how to characterize her at first, but she grew on me so much. i'm honored. hopefully one day i will be able to write longer-length fics with the same depth that i did for this one!

also thank you and sorry in advance i need to rant about my fics/concepts - im going to dump them all here, since you asked about them! i don't have anything other than what's on my profile right now, but i hope these suffice. if you have any more questions about anything feel free to ask anytime :). barring outright spoilers, i'm happy to answer anything! some of my in-progress works are on my masterlist ( only titles / pairings, nothing else ). they will be posted to tumblr eventually, and i think they will be long enough to also be posted to ao3! however, i've only started working on these fics recently (read: after july 1st, when i made this blog) so they probably won't be posted for a while, unless i sink into a sunflower-level brainrot again. but! soon! these will likely be in x reader format. here's a tentative list, i won't go too much into detail ( i really want to. i want to do it so bad. but i won't bc spoilers!! )

porcelain, shouto todoroki x actress! reader. - but this will deal with very dark themes (eating disorder, suicidal ideation, sexual violence, child abuse, and anything similar associated with the acting/idol industry) that a lot of people will likely find uncomfortable. will also take me a significant amount of time to write due to the research i need to do to give these themes (hopefully) justice.

pirate! katsuki bakugo x siren! reader. - i came up with the concept this morning. it needs to marinate for a bit. but the vision is there!! pure self indulgence fic!! i thought of it and i was like WAIT i am a GENIUS and ive also been listening to the song that inspired it on loop so. mild darker themes but nothing like porcelain lol

sukuna x kitsune! reader - honestly i just really like kitsune mythology and whenever i think of this i want to stick my fist in my mouth and scream because im like the POTENTIAL. i also really like aus about fantasy historical times (im a diehard historical xianxia cdrama enjoyer. they are terrible. i eat every single one of them up.) will also deal with dark themes, considering the status of the world/women during those times.

i do have a tentative x oc in the works - vampire hunter! character x vampire. not sure abt the pairing, but it's bnha. i can tell you that this will be an au, like i take liberties with the entire universe and rewrite it style, with an entirely new plot set after the entire anime. (afo wins. i think.) this will hopefully be a chaptered work, which also means it will take me a significant amount of time to write. i like to have a clear vision + most chapters prewritten for anything longer than a one shot before i post bc all of my past projects have been abandoned lol. theyre getting reworked into some of these fics tho!

finally, onto this ask: i actually showed your message to my parents after squealing over it lol thank you. i'm honored you liked my fic so much that you shared it with your loved ones. i am also glad that your head will be filled with this - that's exactly how i felt writing it! nothing else. just ideas bouncing around the rest of my horrifically empty head.

you also mentioned being taught by me how to write twice - i don't think i'm qualified for a teacher. i'm not even an english major :^). i just enjoyed english classes in hs, and write in my spare time. (im actually studying computer engineering and my friends think its really funny bc like lol an engineer?? a coder?? who writes?? i am simply Special)

however, i think i can say this! write for yourself, write whatever you want to write. my first works were published on wattpad back when i was 13. that account has since been deleted, and i cringe really hard when i think back to that time, but i think that without it, without the love that those few interactions gave me, and towards my confidence to post, my writing would not be at all what it is today. it doesn't matter if what you write is bad, or not at all on par with what you'd like - writing, to me, is a journey that you build up every step of the way. you will improve in anything if you pour enough love into it, i think.

( ok unrelated interlude sorry i feel like a wizened sage i should really take my own advice and focus up on school LOL. sorry if this is also like,, condescending at all?? in any way?? i promise i don't mean it in that way )

with regards on how specifically to improve at writing: idk, i'm not that much of an established writer myself. i'm definitely not as good compared to some authors whose works i've read, though i'd like to get someday! firstly, i think reading anything you can is important. the books i usually read are of the fantasy/action/romance types, and i am a serial reader of fanfiction myself. read as much as you can, whatever you'd like. note the authors that say something that sticks with you, cut up the emotions of their characters into a million pieces, hold them within your heart. i am the writer i am today, only because of the thousands of authors who came before me, because i carry snippets of them that i admired, i thought were particularly amazing, and tried to make it into my own. i think i said this in a response to someone else: it's amazing to see how different authors interpret a character and make it into their own, taking little snippets from a fandom, tweaking it just a bit to add their own.

read for your own enjoyment, write for your own enjoyment, practice with a drabble a day or anytime, anything that you want. love the process and every step of it. be like me, and think of a comment at 11pm while watching your cdramas because one reader told asked you if you really liked to make them suffer. think of a concept because you tell them that you'd like to write fluff one day, and fixate on this so strongly that you think of nothing else for a full 48 hours, even when you are sleeping, so much that you wake up, have an idea click together, hop over to your laptop at 8am in the morning on 5 hours of sleep after you sleep at 3 (because you're grinding) and start the grind anew. or, ruminate on your ideas! let them sit, let them simmer, plan it out as slowly as you'd like. it can take you months, years - lord knows. i have a concept i've been sitting on for the better part of minimum five years? i say this, because once an idea clicks for me, the flow of it feels natural. i grin whenever i think of something really stupid to put in, a sentence that feels just perfect, a reference that 90% of my readers will probably miss.

when i decided to start this blog, it was because i was like: it'd be really cool if i went viral! and also because i wanted to share my work, to motivate myself into writing. i write because i am delighted when anyone chooses to interact with my posts, to like my writing. but i also write - and i think this is really important - solely for myself. yes, it's astounding to see the numbers go up, and i've honestly obsessed over the notifications for like hours now im ngl. but i write works for me, in a way that i know i will love; that will have me rereading over and over going oh my god i love ME. i write for those moments i will read back upon and grin quietly to myself at my own self-supposed literary genius.

tl;dr, write for yourself, and write something you know you will love.

if you have specific questions, i would be happy to answer them. to the best of my ability. i write entirely based off of vibes. i am also not sure if you asked that as like an unserious thing but i still tried my best either way.

sorry if this took too long / if any of it is unreadable / stated a bit? weirdly? tried my best :^)). also apologies for the yapping, it is also a disease, and like with my brainrot, i fear it is terminal

[drheartstealer]

hi i never been diagnosed but before i had the classic bpd explosive and it switched to quiet! grain of salt because my “professional” also said i don’t freak out so i can’t have it but sometimes you read enough and well you just know yourself! anyways some symptoms ive had since moving towards that is i have abandonment issues so i don’t get close to most people because their words can influence my emotions easily, i don’t lash out anymore but blame myself quickly, suicidality that i keep to myself, i people please, i have anxiety, honestly you can still self harm even if you don’t cut so that was very naive to say (overspending, talking to people who don’t respect you, isolating so on.) usually googling quiet bpd reddit but generally it’s just a lot of keeping to yourself it manifests differently but i still have the explosive emotions i just express them better with close people or i dissociate when i can’t explain my emotions… just a random perspective i wish you luck discouraged borderline is a thing and valid also you could just have reached remission without knowing

Hi! Thanks so much for sharing!

If I have BPD, I think I'm at the age and stage where I'm in remission, because I heard Dr K say that the rate of remission is pretty high. I was in a stable relationship for years (it ended, sadly), and Im actually quite old compared to many tumblr users. I worked on myself for a long time, too. But I still have some traits.

I'm just not super sure if I have all the symptoms or have them severe enough to have BPD.

Thanks for sharing your experiences!

[advice-go-for-it]

ok so. here's the thing. i've been in love for this person for months now right. recently, we've started talking getting to know each other, yada yada. i started to feel an emotional attachment to them that i hadn't felt with anyone else before. they made me happy. happier than ive been in a long time.

now, i had always known they were genderfluid. that was a given from the start. but my hetero-ass mind had always... assumed a more fem-leading position.

today, i was finally able to ask exactly how they generally present. their response? in times than not, they do have a more masc presentation. i had anticipated something like this, but now... i've getting way too many conflicting emotions here.

like mentioned before, i consider myself a heterosexual. but i had planned to make an "exception" for them, simply just because of how much i liked them, how much i connected with them as a person. but at this moment? it varies from heartbreak to damn near disinterest.

its like i don't want a relationship with them anymore. which is scary, because nothing has changed, besides my image of them. i mean, what the hell is wrong with me? i knew they were genderfluid, i knew this was a possibility, so how can i go from head-over-heels-ready-to-confess-TOMORROW in love with them to utter disinterest just because they happen to present as masc more frequently?

i mean, they have a feminine voice! and im 90% sure they're AFAB. so what's the problem? what's my fucking problem? and you know the worst part of it all? this friendship that i've developed with them might've damn well pulled me out of depression. (not completely, but to a manageable level.) but now that i'm "okay" with just being friends, the suicidal thoughts are back all over again. was i only living for the possibility of a relationship with someone i didn't even know what gender they present as?

to be absolutely clear, the problem is NOT that they're more of a guy. the problem is now that i know that, despite all rational thought, my brain refuses to acknowledge those past feelings. now i feel more lonely than ever. am i selfish? was i just doomed from the start?

sorry for the long ass post. a lot's on my mind right now.

TW MEMTIONED SU*C*DAL THOUGHTS

There’s nothing wrong with you. It sounds more like your brain let you get away with the “exception” because you let yourself see them as more feminine. Now that that’s changed, you just aren’t interested.

You don’t have an attraction to the more male presenting population. Your brain recognized that and changed your feelings. It happens sometimes.

I know it can be very difficult and possibly scary to have happen, and I’m sorry. The best thing to do is treat it the same way you would if you fell out of love with any other person. Your brain decided that you aren’t attracted to them anymore, and that’s okay.

It sounds like you were putting most of your hope into this, and that’s why it’s so emotionally devastating. You need to find a way to live for yourself, and not just for them.

Therapy and studying things that help with depression can help a lot. So can establishing a routine. Remember, there are people who love you. There are people who would be devastated if you were gone.

You aren’t selfish I promise. Sometimes people can only feel attraction in specific ways, and that’s you.

I myself have struggled a lot with this kind of thing. I existed for someone and for the chance that they’d want me. It ended badly and that wrecked me. I had to learn to live for myself, and to love myself.

Try pouring out these feelings somewhere, or with someone you trust. Try and find something else to live for, if you can’t live for yourself yet.

It’s also possible that your feelings could return once your brain gets used to the change in perspective. You could gain feelings for someone else in the future as well.

I promise that you’ll get through this. If you have any more questions I’d be happy to help, and you can also try DMing me if you’d like more specific answers.

I hope this helps, at least a bit. You are not alone.

💚

[the-starfall]

Hi, so ive been working on a writing project for awhile now and the first chapter is soon to be ready to release (Yay) sooo id thought id post a few design things and explain world building a bit. In this post I will be detailing 1. The main setting and 2. The main race interacted with during the first chapter

Ill be honest i dont have a name for this project yet and have just been calling it “my sci fi” project in everything ive laid out so far. But everything else has names! So here is the map of the mensis star system, most importantly of its ring station/world thing that surrounds and orbits the star mensis. This giant space station was once habited by a race of prestigious fleshed based organisms called the yeltilore. (most commonly they are called either “bringers of light, soon to arrive once more” by the theocratic council of the lenier. Or by more common names, such as “precursors” “the old rotten fleshy bits we find in district 5 floating through space” or my personal favorites “those dudes who died”) they as the common names suggest *died* or “disappeared to the star to recharge their power” a long long long time ago, leaving their robot and android slaves (and their experiments) behind within the 15 districts of the metliru ring station, all of them changed, district five got hit by a small exoplanet that got trapped it metliru’s orbit, and is no longer safe for any intelligent being. And over time all of the robots made their own civilization, colony’s, and just generally gained free will, now only somewhat bound by the harsh rules of their precursors and the much harsher rules of their own governments.

Notable species include:

Lenier, once robotic servants now wirey messes that form bodies and develop complex thought, who will be detailed later

Felar (who show up later)

The horrors (who show up later)

The flesh born (who show up later)

And the rogues, bestial androids once kept as pets that now roam any and all unclaimed territory, feasting on metal and despite a lack of intelligence theyve developed a fierce pack like instinct

Now, more on lenierians

These dudes are fun, having been small robot slaves during the reign of the past, they ripped apart other such robots (and a lot of infrastructure) during their early days, adding their stolen wiring to themselves in order to look more akin to the precursors who came first. They developed a religious fervor to the guys who died, building their entire religion based government off of the idea that 1. The star mensis is the only star in existence (all windows they have aboard the ring face the star) and that the precursors simply went into the star in order to achieve godhood, and eventually they’ll come back and reward they’re devote with the same godhood. Sadly however, since the destruction of district 5 they where disconnected to any space ports unless they went all the way around, stopping any potential suicides into the star.

They live wherever is safe and function decently well as a society, decorating themselves with scavenged metals by melding them into their metal bits and just kinda existing, they have jobs, their trying to fix up their homes to not be derelict and they’re learning, like doing science and shit. Point is. Youll see a lot of these dudes especially since (at least) one of the main characters is in fact a lerian!

If you want more functional info on their design decypher my bad cursive, now have a good night

(Also, i know the science in this is flimsy at best, its much more fantasy than anything else, as a robotics nerd im sure all of my friends would be mad at my for these designs and as a science geek…i mean same, the idea of a giant ring around a sun as a world is slightly more absurd than a dyson sphere and i know that, most of the inspiration was one of my friends talking about the game stellaris and building rings around planets/stars and the idea of everything else flowed from that, ill be making more of this before the release of the actual first chapter. Which will be on AO3. Now goodnight! (P.s. please ask any world-building questions id love to answer them!)

[frankendykez]

this is highly different from the usual posts i make, but im only posting this because i don;t have. anywhere else to really say it normally and in a way that doesnt seem like im purposely making the people around me discomforted. regular posting will go back after this, but for this vent post specifically tw for: mentions of (almost) sucide attempts and suicidal thoughts

i almost attempted quite a few nights ago. almost. i had the knife in my hand but pussied out last second. i'm glad i did. i thoguht the worst period of my life was roughyl around 13 to 15 or so, but even though i did have suicidal thoughts then and hid it all up with whimsy, i never got this close to an attempt. i don't know why i tried this, i don't want to die, i want to live and be happy and i am still trying to be happy and hopeful despite all of this, i am trying to be optimistic but i suppose despite my current belief (or something im trying to turn into a genuine belief) that my life is worth something, i guess i am just havig Quite The Year right now.

i want to live, you know, and i will live, im sure of that, i guess that one moment was a odd one off thing, if that makes sense. i know i will make it through whatever im going through, and i have a strong reason to keep on living --- it's for the people that i love, mainly, my friends. i don't want them to ever have to miss me, or to ever stay awake in bed during late night crying about my suicide. i want to die of old age, i want to be there for the people i love, my life really is just other people and honestly, i think any reason to live is a good reason to live, as long as it makes you happy and improtantly alive.

i am the most loved ive ever been in my current friendgroup (but i don't think they deserve to hear me vent about uncomfortable topics nor would they want to me which is understandable), i think, but "home" has been horrible. i don't know what to do with myself, everytime im out i dread going home, i don't think i've ever past a day without crying at least once, or getting irrationally angry at something minor. and things have happened in the past also affected the way i think, you know. sometimes i don't believe the love my friends have for me, even though i also at the same time i know its true. i know i deserve to be loved and i will do anything to be loved and in turn i love all my friends like they're my entire world, but it feels like my brain is at war with itself, one side being stupid irrational thoughts and actual logic. i often have breakdowns about "not being anyones best friend", and whenever i vent about this to a friend of mine, theyre always like "ur my best friend!!" and i want to believe them so badly and i kind of DO but i also don't, some annoying part of me just thinks theyre just... saying that. i suppose. its kind of silly to believe i was born a person, sometimes i feel like a vortex, always hungry for love, craving more than what im given. this is such a long paragraph already but i havent even describe the extent of my emotionality, which tbh i rather would not do. i already said too much anywyas. but also little enough taht i just sound like a whiny little bitch, tbh.

i dont know why i said so much, i think it was another attempt to make the few people that read this not worry much about me trying to attempt suicide again. but yeah, i was having a Time. god this barely makes sense lol. thanks for anyone who read tho no ones obligated to respond or interact. i got over it, it was a few days ago anyways. jus had to say it somewhere without making thigns in the friendgroup feel uncomforyable.

sometimes i wish i didnt live but im so fucking glad i did

sorry for this post you lot, promise thisll be the only one. love you guys even if i barely know u. i dont mean to sound like an attention seeker, i just need to say it somewhere, i guess. god i sound so stipid lmfao

[sapphicsunfox]

Its so painful to just accept that she hates me. I think I coped deluding myself into thinking that haha she couldnt truly hate me. There was love there. It cant just die. And even if she didnt love me, there has to be at least something other than hate?

But she despises me. She says i made her miserable. And i know its valid and of course that might be true. Maybe i did make her miserable. I was a lot to handle, i was shaken, i was hurt, i didnt have any tools, i was suicidal. And I regret the colateral damage i caused to those who cared about me. And im sorry i didnt give you enough time, and im sorry i dumped my sadness into you. Im sorry i didnt tell you enough times how much I loved you. Im sorry i took you for granted cause breaking up with my soulmate was unfathomable. Im sorry i didnt try harder, that i didnt ask harder. I wanted to love you right. All i wanted was to love you right cause what was the point of loving if you dont feel loved back? Im sorry i didnt know how to handle it ans caused you pain. Im sorry i didnt communicate better. Im sorry for the times i was scared and it hurt you. Im sorry i didnt express better. Im sorry i made fun of a show you liked. Im sorry i didnt take you on more dates. Im sorry i didnt ask for more clarification when you said you wanted a break. I got scared. I thought i lost you (i did). I never wanted to lose you.

I know now it doesnt matter. I can be sorry all i want, i can better myself and learn and improve and become a bettee person, but to you ill always be The Toxic Ex. And im sorry about that, too. You also were that for me, for a while. It took me a long time to accept youre the person ive loved the most and i couldnt hate you. Not when i was so happy you loved me I cried when you said for the first time. Not when i couldnt hold my smile when i looked at you. Not when i wanted you to come live with me so your mother wouldnt hurt you anymore. Not when i wanted to travel the world with you and have a dog and a rat. I wanted to be your family. I wanted to cherish you. I loved you.

I love you, still.

So it hurts that you genuinely hate me and i made you miserable. But youre allowed to. Its not my place to change your mind, to make you talk to me. To message you. You have your life, you have a boyfriend. Youre probably not even living in this city anymore. I dont wanna let you go, i dont want it to end like this. I want us to talk and make amends. Hell, even as friends. I dont care. I just want to make sure you know i loved you with all i had in me. It was very broken, but it was all yours.

But you despise me. You think my art is shitty. You think im shitty. I think you were the love of my life. I cant hold on to this tiny hope that maybe, maybe if we talked- its gonna destroy me. Its destroying me already. I wanna throw up, im anxious. Im hurt. I wanna make things right.

You blocked me the second you came across my shitty art, and i respect that. I have to, for you and for me. Im sorry I even thought about messaging you. Im sorry for the messages i drafted. Im sorry for the messages i sent. I was desperate, to be honest. I never wanted to lose you. You were my everything, but all I did was made you sad, right?

I hope your boyfriend treats you right. I hope you find happiness and joy. Selfishly, I want you to think of me and wonder what if. I want you to wonder if you should send a message. I want you to stalk my socials just to know how I'm doing. But I can't keep being selfish. We deserve better than this one sided thing I have going on. And im sorry I didnt get to make amends. I wish you had apologized, too. I'd hold you. I'd cry, probably. Always been a bit of a crybaby. I'm so vulnerable when it comes to you.

If you see me on the streets, I hope you say hi.

I love you. Im sorry.

Maybe in another life.

[fail-boy]

waaaah say hi to her for me!!!!!👋👋👋👋 walking dogs with just music sounds so nice, ive looked into being a dog walker many times before but i cant drive so i wouldn't be able to get to anyone's house >.< (also im scared of small dogs and most people here have smaller dogs...i much prefer bigger ones bc they're nicer to me) i hope the 'za is tasty🍕🍕 as for me...i never have plans lol i mainly just watch videos and try to draw. however i did recently clean up the floor of my room enough to be able to see it and walk again so that's exciting for me :D

also- i have a partner and am polyam too!!!! twinsies!!!!!! ill do my best to flirt bc ill be honest. i dont know how. nor do i pick up on it but ill try my darndest🫡

what music do you listen to??? i listen to like practically anything and everything, just as long as i vibe with the sound. who's your favorite artist!!!!!!! mine is red vox!!!!!! they're a smaller band i found through the lead singers twitch streams and ive loved them for years now :D oh and what're some hobbies you have :0? sorry if this is a lot of questions im just excited!!!!

- 🫀🦷

i didn't end up going! i got too stoned and rescheduled for later this week haha (>_<) i actually don't drive myself i get the bus everywhere but i get that not everywhere has decent public transport, im just lucky enough to live in sydney. i usually walk medium sized doggies like pitbulls and staffies :3 my dog is a little dog he's a pug and he's a very sweet boy he would love u <3

im soooo excited for pizza ive been waiting since i ran out of money last week, i get paid in a couple days and im so excited

that sounds fun tho! i dont do much most days either i usually just smoke and watch youtube videos and thats abt it hahaha. fuck yeah good job on your floor!!!!!! that kinda stuff takes so so much effort im proud of u cutie <3

woohoo!!! twinsies for real!!!!! and that's okay sugar as long as i can flirt back :p

musicwise i listen to lots of punk subgenres like folk punk and hardcore punk i like green day, ajj, she/her/hers, harley poe and pansy division, i like post hardcore like thursday, early mcr, circa survive, and saosin, 90s-early 2000s emo, i like metal too i really like mayhem, cattle decapitation, cannibal corpse, xavleg, dying fetus, ayat, and suicide silence <33333 those r probably my faves but ill listen to anything someone recommends so pls let me know your other favourites!!! ive heard of red vox ill make sure to check them out now!

[meat-huge-pain-endless]

huge vent post feel free to ignore✌️

tw just in case tho for depression, anxiety, suicide/suicidal ideation, death, disordered eating, drug use, dissociation, depersonalization, and derealization

i need someone to come put a straight jacket on me i ruin everything i fucking touch i don’t want to be a bother but im desperate to be known so i spill my guts just for them to get trampled. and i really do let everyone walk all over me. i assume that every other human being on the planet knows better than me about everything and i will tolerate literally an treatment so long as you’re a little bit nice to me sometimes, or even if you just tell me that you are ill probably believe you. my self esteem is so fucking low plus i can’t ever rlly tell what’s true anymore. my memory is so fucking bad like the amount of times a day i forget what im saying mid-sentence and then forget what i had just said and then forget what i was even talking about in the first place is genuinely embarassing. it’s so fucking humiliating actually like i am so out of it all of the time and i can never tell if it’s bc im dissociating or bc im dehydrated or bc i didn’t sleep or bc i haven’t eaten or bc i forgot to take my adhd meds or bc i hit the pen at 9:30am again or bc i DIDNT hit the pen but i have brain fog from smoking the night before and at this point it’s probably all of it all the time like it is so bad. ive never been worse in my life i don’t think. again i wouldn’t rlly know. all my memories feel a million miles away. im alone in my dorm room rn bc my roommate and our other friend went to our other other friend’s dorm to hang out. if i think about it too hard ill probably start crying. i was crying before they were even out the door.

everyone told me college is where you meet “your people.” the friends you have for the rest of your life. why do i have about 3 friends total (as in i actually hang out with them outside of classes/club meetings/school events/etc) and why do none of them feel like they’re actually my friends. oh wait actually i know why that is. it’s because i don’t feel like im real when im at college. that’s how i felt last year (like school year, and it was awful btw, thought it was the worst year of my life but then this semester happened and now im not so sure) but it just occurred to me that im feeling the same way except this time i wasn’t so alarmed by it bc i got used to it. like this is baseline college feeling for me. the worst part of it all is that everything is actually all my fault. like for real not sarcasm. my anxiety is so fucking severe and i didn’t realize it at all until recently when i started having more frequent panic attacks. i cry most days. i hyperventilate way too easily. i walk thru the world just going about my everyday life with the anxiety levels of an animal being hunted for sport. like literally if i accidentally do something wrong in public like the smallest tiniest stupidest mistake like pushing on a pull door or something i get so embarrassed it like so very seriously and genuinely the idea of people thinking that im stupid or laughing at me makes me want to die like seriously kill myself dead and i cannot overstate that im so scared of what people thjnk of me all the time.

oh and did i mention i also literally never stop thinking? overanalyzing everything i do and say and everything everyone else does and says to me and im always worried that my friends hate me or secretly think im an awful person or im thinking about things that they might potentially hate me for later down the line and sometimes i try to preemptively circumvent that by randomly being like “hey if i ever [insert thing im worried might potentially make them not like me anymore] just know that it’s not because [reason i think it might make them potentially not like me]” OH and i also all the time will ask my friends if they think im a bad person which is like so insane of me actually like why the fuck do i do that THIS IS WHAT I MEANT AT THE BEGINNING!!!! PUT ME IN A STRAIGHTJACKET CUT OFF MY GODDAMN HANDS JUST PLEASE DO SOMETHJNG because no matter what i fucking do i always end up crawling to SOMEONE to beg them for reassurance or tell them something that will make them worry about me (sometimes im not even aware im doing that one!) because i just need someone to care. i need someone to care about me or else im not real. (i feel like i only exist contextually but i don’t have time to get into all that right now). but then i get embarrassed for needing something. the fact that i have needs and wants and desires is the most embarrassing thing in the world. asking for what i want and need is the most mortifying torturous experience in the world. i hate being vulnerable.

i want to be cared for without judgement. i want to stop feeling like i am hard to like and even harder to love. i want to stop feeling tired all the time. i want to stop feeling miserable all the time. i want to feel like im real, like i actually exist. i don’t want to die, but i don’t want to live either. i think the only thing about death that still scares me is the fact that i would have to go alone. but the idea of infinite nothingness sounds like a dream. it’s so loud in my head all the time. i just want it all to stop.

[sharksa-shivers]

Max is sick/more texts between character stuff cuz why not?

Kristy: Max

Kristy: Max, cmon dude, need you to wake up! We kinda need you today!!

Max: Ive been up ffs been trying to sleep tho

Max: damn that sucks cuz i feel like shit

Kristy: Ughhhh, look, i get it, depression but like…You can't just keep sitting stuff out because of your depression???

Max: ??????? It's not depression tho???? Hshshshshs fuck

Max: Im fuckin sick lol im not coming sorry to disappointt

Kristy: Yeah, sure, ok. Nice prank buddy

Kristy: Now get up and get dressed, we need to go!!!

Max:(sends a pic of him holding up a wad of used tissues, Max looks out of it in the picture, he is obviously sick) sorry lol would you like a snot or cough sample to prove that im not fucking lying?

Kristy: …….Oh…….

Max: YEAH LMAO

Max: you try fuckin sleeping when you can't breath, having a tiny nose thats clogged doesn't help when im trying to inhale oxygen

Max: throat hurts, head hurty, nose blocked tf off, can i sttay home now mom??? please???? Im so tired and i feel like shit lol

Kristy: …..I guess you're kinda gonna have to, hmmm….Trying to think…

Max: how about fuck the mission, tkae a day off???

Kristy: No!!!

Max: lol you should

Max: i love demon fighting and shit and you nkow i do but like…life is nore then labor ok? Enjoy it

Kristy: ……That is so weird of a phrase to come from you of all people who's suicidal af

Max: IM NOT SUICIDAL EVERY FUCKING DAY GODDAMNIT SHSHSHSHSHSH IM ONLY SUICIDAL MOST DAYS OK?.??? THERE IS A DIFFERENCE

Max: in seriousness tho, eh. Today feels kinda good mental health wise, its just my physical health thats shit today lololol Kristy: Well…Guess it is what it is then…

Max: hey lol can you get me some food and some meds plz? Im cozy in bed dont wanna spread germs and shit but a bitch needa eat lol (also meds would be p nice i miss breathing…oxygen bb plz come back im sorry;~;)

Kristy: Yeah yeah lmao, i can. I'm gonna assume no food preferences today?

Max: No lol just plz, im so hungry, blehhhh (preferably something i can fucjing taste and that wont hurt my throat much tho lol)

Kristy: Okayyyyyy, i'll see what i can do.

Max: Best friendo ever lol you da best!!! 💗 ---------------- And now some rambling text info bout The Trio derps whenever sick cuz why not tho? --- Trio derp sickness levels (this sickness meaning like…ig nausea levels --- Kristy: So Kristy is least likely to like get sick like that. With her having magic and the amulet and whatnot, she gets very used to rapid, disorienting movements over time (though at the series start, i can see this being more of an issue but also with Kristy's determination, i can see her blowing that shit out of the water pretty quick, her determination being the stronger of the 2) Kristy can still very much get sick tho, if she's in a very disorienting situation for a long time period, she's gonna get fucking sick… 🍃🍃🍃

Sharky: So with Sharky, he can get sick and he does from time to time. It's either him getting motion sick, him getting actual sick (from like food poisoning and bugs and whatnot) or it's the third option and that tying into him being a shark (but i'll hop back to this in a sec)

Sharky is kind of harder to get motion sick because he does have the advantage of being born in the ocean so…He's used to that sort of thing, like a ride or whatever isn't going to give him motion sickness, he gets it more from like…Being thrown around rapidly with 0 control or from magic use or things like that…

So for the other thing…So…him being a shark yeah? So a reminder; Sharky can throw up his entire stomach, like wholeass organ…This is because he's a shark and it's something Sharky REALLY REALLY FUCKING HATES part cuz it's so weird, part cuz it's disgusting and part because it fucking hurts since he's very not used to doing that…Sharky can vomit up either his entire stomach or he just throws up normally…Sharky doesn't really have much control over this but if it's a higher stress situation, it's gonna be the entire organ coming up. (this whole bit happens more if Sharky's scared or very fucking stressed or in a big emergency sort of thing…Otherwise, Sharky's probably gonna just throw up normally…) Sharky learns he has this ability during the series and i kinda megadoubt he ever utilizes it like Slash does BUT Sharky does learn how to control this a bit better and when he feels it happening, he tends to insta-calm down to try and prevent the whole thing from coming out… 🦈🦈🦈 Max: Max defs gets motion sickness probably the worst…This is probably another reason why Max isn't the biggest on dizzying shit or boats or things like that because it probably fucks him up alottttttttt… Unlike Kristy he has no magic And unlike Sharky, Max does not have any sort of help from the ocean soooooooooo…Yeah, rip dogeboi [i kinda feel like Sharky throws up more then Max does tbh but i think it's cuz Sharky's put in more situations where that can happen vs Max…] 🐶🐶🐶 Now for sickness sickness, i feel like Sharky probs gets sick in that way the least cuz of his height honestly (it's harder for germs and shit to bother him if they can't reach his face…If somebody coughs near him, it ain't gonna be near his face so…) I feel like Kristy's second And i feel like Max probs has it worst here again tbh (i defs feel like Max has really fucking awful allergies tbh…Idk why but it's a vibe i get, probably if i had to guess, something with his fur picking up things that make him sneeze and cough and whatnot, rip dogeboi again)