jaspers-thoughts

[jaspers-thoughts]

i fucking hate bpd dude its ruining my FUCKING LIFE

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and it really fucking hurts because i have feelings for you and ive tried for years to get over them but they wont go away and when we started talking again 1 on 1 i was so fucking happy but now its like none of that ever happened and im lucky if we speak even once a month and i really want to fucking tell you so that i can just get rejected and try to move on from these feelings but im terrified out of my fucking mind and knowing that im such a low priority friend to you makes it so much fucking harder especially when youre actually considering moving to my country and i keep clinging to that tiny little olive branch of hope that maybe that will happen and maybe we'll hang out a bunch irl and maybe that can lead to something even though i logically know thats a laughable fantasy

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seriously how the fuck are you going to tell me im one of your favourite people ever and that you miss talking to me all the time like when we first became friends and then spend the next nearly two years initiating basically no conversations with me whatsoever and only responding to me half of the fucking time and we go months without ever speaking a single word to each other because i got tired of and insecure over being the only one to ever initiate and then wow looks like i was fucking right to be insecure because you clearly dont actually care enough about me to go out of your way to talk to me. you fucking let my dm sit and rot unreplied to for days meanwhile right now youre literally in a voice call with someone else in our friend group like wow thats so fucking cool that you couldnt even spare 60 seconds to reply to me at all over the last three days but you sure as fuck have time to voice chat with a different friend

most of all i fucking hate myself for feeling this way why am i such a needy whiny little fucking bitch i dont deserve any respect from anyone nobody should have to fucking put up with me youre completely justified for ignoring me im a worthless pile of shit who brings no value to any fucking relationship i should die

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i actually am legitimately going to kill myself once one piece is over. by then, my mom and my cats will have already died so i will have nothing left to live for. nobody cares about me and i hate being alive

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chat how do i cope with the fact that not a single person in my life actually gives a shit about me or cares to maintain a relationship with me and that every single attempt over the last two years to make plans has fallen through and the one person i was trying to build a closer more genuine friendship with who claims that im one of their favourite people ever repeatedly ignores me/takes forever to respond to me all the while readily talks away with other people at the same time that im waiting days for a response and clearly does not value my friendship and continues to do this even after i confronted them about it and that every single one of my friends who claims that they love me and want to be friends until we're old and grey is a fucking liar and nobody ever messages me first and nobody ever checks in on me when i begin to pull away and isolate and

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i think the most painful thing ever is finally realizing that you're just a filler friend and that none of your friends legitimately care about you or want you in your life and the all the years you spent together saying "i hope we're close friends until we're old and gray" meant absolutely nothing and will never happen and that it's always been this way for all of the years you have been friends with these people.

it really fucking hurts when you and two other people coincidentally isolate from your friend group for a month at the same time and not a single one of your friends reaches out to you to make sure you're doing okay. it really fucking hurts when i actually bother to reach out to both of the other people who were isolating to make sure they were okay and then to find out that other people in the friend group reached out to them but not one single fucking person ever even fucking considered reaching out to you to make sure YOU were okay for literally no fucking reason.

it really fucking hurts when you have a heart to heart with one of your friends about how much they mean to you and how much you want to talk to them more and build a genuine friendship outside of the confines of your friend group and they seemingly agree and then you spend the next two years trying to put in the effort to maintain contact and check in on them when things dont seem right and then you realize that you're the only one who ever initiates conversations and sometimes they take days to respond and sometime literally just ignore you and then you find out that it's a problem exclusive to you because, surprise, they are actively talking with half of the friend group in dms on a daily basis! they just cant be bothered to ever fucking talk to you! so much for being one of your favourite people ever! you fucking liar!

it really fucking hurts when (re: my last post) you finally bring up how the fact that your friends legitimately ignored you when you mentioned how you genuinely considered killing yourself not that long ago and just carried on with their conversation like they were annoyed that you dared to say something so serious actually really hurt and fucked you up and then one of the people who ignored you tries to justify it with "well it was kind of out of nowhere." fuck you man. seriously, fuck you. asshole. you expect a suicidal person to fucking respect your bullshit arbitrary ass "time and place" shit? yet when our other friend has spent the better part of the last 5 years venting all of her struggles on main and pretty much outright refusing to ever bother using the vent channel before she takes the general channel hostage for the next hour and everyone constantly reassures her that its okay that she posted in main but then when i post one single fucking message about how horrible im doing i get fucking ignored and then you justify it with "it was out of nowhere"?????????

and like i cant even fucking bring up the whole "nobody fucking reached out to me when i disappeared for a month but did check on our other two friends who disappeared at the same time" thing because the last time i brought up how my friend group ignoring me made me feel like complete worthless shit they ended up getting mad at me for even bringing it up so like. what the fuck ever im just supposed to be a fucking doormat and my friends can make me feel like shit as much as they want and im not allowed to fucking have a problem with it so fuck it whatever man im so fucking over this bullshit fucking shit.

and also that wasnt even the first time i went mia this year because i did the same thing a couple months earlier and i bet you a million dollars you cant guess what ended up happening.

and now i dont even feel comfortable talking about myself anymore. ive completely written off ever venting about my life or being even the least bit vulnerable there from now on. none of them know ive been basically living under threat of violence for the last half of year with my grandfather leaving a voicemail where he very strongly insinuated he wanted to come and burn my mom and i's house down. why the fuck would i even bother telling people who dont give a fuck.

so anyway i still hate my life and want to kill myself. honest to god the only things keeping me going are my cats, my mom, and one piece. my cats are old, my mom is old and in not great health, and one piece is in its final saga, so i guess my expiration date is within view.

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a few days ago my friends and i were discussing how our 2023 was and i said it was the worst year of my life, i achieved none of my goals, i had multiple mental breakdowns, and i seriously contemplated jumping in front of a train

nobody acknowledged any of it. i was totally ignored. me saying i was seriously considering killing myself this year. and my friends. didnt care. just ignored it.

one of my friends then briefly talked about their year and a second friend posted a couple short messages about how the year was good until he graduated and then it just went slow.

and the first friend acknowledged everything he said. told him he'd been handling life post-graduation "gracefully king".

both of them ignored me, talked about their year, then one of them acknowledged all of what the other person said and gave him encouragement.

you encouraged the person whose life slowed down a bit after graduating but ignored the person talking about how horrible their year was and their mental breakdowns and that they seriously considered ending their life.

fuck you.

this is less than two months after i was ignored by my friend group when i vented about how i was spiraling and lonelier than i had ever been and couldnt handle it. nobody even fucking reached out to me, man. not fucking one of them. i vented about how horrible my life is right now and how im so fucking lonely and not one of my 9 supposed best friends even attempted to reach out and talk to me, to support me, to make me feel better, to maybe EASE MY FUCKING LONELINESS.

these people dont care about me. they dont like me. they hate me. they dont want me around. they dont care about the suffering im going through and the suicidal ideation im dealing with. would they even fucking care if i died

maybe we'll find out

[jaspers-thoughts]

life is not worth living

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spiraling so fucking bad and nobody cares. nobody. my "friends" care more about someones fucking hairdo than me going through the worst mental health crisis of my life. i cant do this anymore.

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some day soon i think im just going to go lie down on the tracks and wait

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my friends in our friend group always genuinely compliment each other whenever one of them posts a selfie (although it always happens the most when one of the girls posts one) but literally the only comment i ever fucking get when i post one is “king pics” and also so many times people online will just straight up entirely avoid saying anything in the channel i posted it in while being active in other channels yet they will absolutely not leave any other persons selfie un-complimented. so in other words i guess im just fucking ugly as shit and/or they hate me

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on top of everything else im also a horrible, horrible person so the world will be an objectively better place once im gone

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but its ok one of these days i wont be around anymore so they can stop pretending

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im such a boring, annoying, uninteresting, forgettable person. i add nothing to peoples lives. i wish my friends would just be honest and stop pretending they like me. its painfully obvious that im nothing to them and im tired of the lies.

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thought i was over it but now i wanna die again lmao

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wow im surprised that i didnt post a single vent in 2020 despite how many times i had mental breakdowns and how many times my friends made me feel like shit.

edit: also wow its been exactly 2 years since my last post. 9 minutes later and it would have been posted at the exact same time. what the fuck

[jaspers-thoughts]

i feel pathetic and worthless. all of my friends have lives and hearing about that makes me unreasonably envious and sad. im an ugly fat fuck who literally sits at home all day, every day. i hate my life. i hate life.