#suic1de cw

[deviatory]

@helllords asked : aloe :   how does your muse handle grief ? (for malachi)

Okay meme is question is getting its own post because it's a large piece of lore for the last century, and two, it's a contains some very dark and triggering subject matter.

SO cw for : r*pe mention, drug use, abuse, attempted suic*de mention, mental illness and medical procedure

Malachi has never dealt with grief… well. At this point I doubt he’ll ever be able to properly, again, however to understand this there has to be context.

It should be stated that the current Malachi does not react the same way as he would have over a century ago. Malachi was failing mentally after Qaqu’s death and his new found duties. He had been forced to race in his equine form prior to Qaqu’s shootout to earn his keep amongst the ageing witches, however his own advancing age found little success and left him volatile, with periods where he would become “uncooperative” and avoidant. It hadn’t been the first time. He had been used and abused his whole life, and suddenly he had inherited a role where he had been placed in charge of not only his sisters’ wellbeing but also that of the family who had abused him. However it would be the stress brought upon by sudden reappearance of his son in 1930, Mordecai, after forty years forcing him to come to terms with his r.ape which would leave him in a complete state of helplessness, anxiety and depression that led into sharp mood swings, unusual behaviour, insomnia and triggered aggressive behaviour. 

The sum and stress caught up with him and he suffered to a point where his friends, a young Wesley, Jack and Sarah fearing for his own safety as due to what he was were forced to chemically restrain him with opioids and keep him contained within his room for a time. It would eventually come to a headway with Malachi, having attempted to slit his wrists with pen nib, unwilling to live in this state, with his pain or “inherit the madness of his father” would come to beg Wesley to end his life where he would refuse and threaten that if his mental state did not improve he would have had no choice but to permanently physically restrain him. Malachi would slowly seem to “recover” after this, Wesley providing Malachi regularly with sedatives until he’d returned to a “functional” state to administer himself, although the occasional period of depression would still occur. His focus would become determined to provide the witch family with a comfortable quality of life, knowing as time had told him before some would be inflicted ailments of Alzheimer's disease. 

Sarah would marry, Jack would disappear, and Wesley would move away after a falling out with Malachi to continue his studies as a doctor in New York state, perhaps prompted by Malachi to pursue his field in psychiatry. The last witch would die in 1954, and Malachi would start living with Sarah after her husband would pass in 1956. Unfortunately issues with his mental health would start to rise again, with Sarah’s declining health and a growing tolerance to opioids after decades of use would leave Malachi increasingly neurotic. 

In 1974 Sarah passed away while he was away during a business trip. He shuts down emotionally. There’s a nickname he gains due to his initial response after Sarah’s death that I haven’t really touched (because mainly I haven’t had a thread which explored that moment in time) : the hollow man. Grief becomes cold. He doesn’t appear to even care. He does not cry, he shows no emotions or any kindness. He becomes reactive, and this often becomes one of the few times we see Malachi become intentionally cruel. Sometimes he has periods where he will break out of this into a period of intense mood swings and involuntary transformations, often beginning with him engaging in a moment of violent behaviour and ending in him literally running away. 

During one of these periods he would seek out Wesley, who had at this point become a teacher, at his office and collapse. Over the next few days, and an argumentative back and forth Malachi would eventually ask Wesley to recommend him for a lobotomy, despite the doctor’s proclamations that the procedure was largely being considered dangerous, outlawed in many states and ineffective with the theory that because of his accelerated regeneration it might not work the way Malachi wanted. Despite that Wesley made the arrangements for the procedure to be performed privately due to Malachi’s inhuman potential. The surgery went ahead without issue, and his temperament improved. Sadly, it was not the result Malachi wanted and the pain he’d felt was still in him, revealing during his recovery that he had simply hoped it would “leave him with nothing”. Despondent, Malachi would leave Wesley to his life without a goodbye and return to his sisters in California. He would suffer some cognitive issues affecting his ability to read, focus, yet he would create unusual routines for himself in the time after. Maria would later note he was never quite with them anymore and found him “austere, annoyingly unhelpful, but easy to direct” for the first few years until he began to become more lucid and gradually show a great range of emotion by the end of the decade.

Arguably it could be considered one of the few reasons how he became so easily manipulated by Setepen-it.

[thebraindumpsofamadman]

Whats wrong babe, you haven't googled suicide methods and success rate statistics all day

[starp1ll]

Suicide

[cats-healing-diary]

I really want to end it all, I wish I had js ended it all already. I hate my life since 5 long years and I don't think the next 5 years will look any better. I am fighting, I swear I try to k1ll this illness every single day, but I'm not getting better, I'm still miserable after all this time, pls js set me free of this pain, I can't do this anymore.

[facelyuuuhhh]

Not even cutting feels good rn, I'm so fucking done, somebody kill me already

[letterstokareokay]

I just want to die. I just wish I could’ve never existed in the first place.

[putridement]

lord,

i beg you to give me the strength to unalive myself.

[ventsigidfk]

sfx makeup block dont report

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TW sh vent

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tw blood

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ive come to the realisation that its not just a 'yeah i cūt myself so i can feel something' its like an actual addiction now, im tearing sharpeners apart, my online shopping carts are full of bl@des, i have a tin box full of baindaids alcohol pads and my fav bl@des that i take everywhere with me. its not something i do once a week or a few times a month with a few scratches that barely bleed, its something i do every day to every 3 days with proper shit to do it with and more blood, deeper and slowly getting deeper, splattering bl00d everywhere, cleanup being sticky stingy and throbbing, feeling faint from loss of blood, feeling faint at the sight of the styr0s forming. its not just a coping mechanism that i did now and then, its now apart me that i cannot stop.

im aware these photos arent that d3€p theyre only baby styr0s to baby cūts but i rel@psed after 2 days, lets be so for real though i was too tired to even be bothered.

my hands a tainted in a pretty coloured red, smelling of iron;

my bed splattered with what once was a pretty shade of red to now of a brown;

the tin box emptied of baind-aids and alch pads now smelling like iron;

once again a soleless girl lays on her bed drowning in her thoughts,

why cant i feel something? she says,

tired of living and tired of breathing she sits up from her bed,

she picks up her pen and begins to write the letters;

she cant live a life she doesnt feel alive in,

she cant live a live where she feels she does not belong in anymore,

she cant live a life where her only thoughts are of offing herself of cūtting herself,

she cant live a live where her anxiety and depression take over,

she cant live a life where she is certain she has bpd but cant be tested for it for another two years,

she cant live a life where there is not an ounce of happiness it it;

She can't live life.

[girl-that-wants-to-die]

You have no fucking idea what you’ve done

[j3al0usyy]

maybe in another universe i didnt destory myself at such a young age

[1-8oo-anarchy]

my spouse found my sui notes last night.

guess who is getting fast tracked into therapy!

[boneztillthe3nd]

4/9/24 ♡

today was much better then yesterday!! I used to hate the feeling of being hungry but it's honestly so comforting

juice box-60cal

10 green grapes-34cal

10 blueberries-10cal

total=104cals

If I'm not skinny why be alive?

[fatalarrythmsection2]

my christmas wishlist:

. Marvin's Marvelous Mechanical Museum vinyl

. 10g of h*roin

. Death

. In utero cd

. Cookies

. Some new headphones

. A smith and wesson k22 revolver

. A new guitar

. 10 more grams of h*roin

. A cure for cancer

. Vulfpeck tickets

. Bottom surgery

. A 19 inch zildjian a custom crash

. A copy of the great gatsby

[reeves-reeper]

Just had to reset.

Feeling like shit, I'd gotten so far and I just couldn't keep it up. I'm useless and a disappointment.

[putridement]

i can feel loneliness consuming me from the inside and nothing can fulfill the void. constant void, endless cycle.