#r*pe tw

[traumadumpwriter]

JJ Maybank X Reader ~ Relapse and a Half

Summary: The Pogues feel betrayed by the readers sudden relapse into drugs, but they're unable to be angry at her for too long as something terrible leaves her needing their support more than ever.

Trigger warning for: drugs (obviously), guns, explicit sexual assault, violence

Part One

Part Two

Part Four

Part Three:

After the confrontation at your house a night prior, JJ had only been able to see red, quickly pacing past your mum before making his way to the Chateau, kicking over some bins and verbally abusing some kids on his way.

He couldn't believe that you liked him. That you wanted to be with him. The thought stressed him out and made him regret doing whatever he'd done to get you to fall for him.

It wasn't that he didn't like you back. In fact it was quite the opposite - he'd been entirely obsessed with you ever since you'd arrived in the Outer Banks. His issue was that he'd seen up close just how damaged you were, just how sweet and kind you could be, just how much you deserved the world and everything in it - but not him. He wasn't good enough; not cool enough, not smart enough, not clean enough.

"Why him?" He thought. "Of everyone on this island, why him?"

You could've gone for Pope or John B or even one of the Kooks, at least they would treat you right. It might've killed him inside to see, but it would've been better than the pain he was feeling now, knowing that he'd been unintentionally hurting you this whole time, knowing that he was the one who bore the responsibility of your heart.

He stormed into John B's without stopping, going straight for the blunt in the ashtray and then storming back outside. From his behaviour, the Pogues feared for the worst and Kie's eyes were quickly tearing up, panic settling into her chest.

"She's okay, isn't she?" She followed JJ outside in a pleading tone, shortly followed by Pope and John B. "Please say she's okay."

JJ didn't answer, angrily sucking on the blunt and staring out at the sea, his mind racing.

"Answer me JJ! What's happened?" Kie demanded.

"Is she alright? Was she at home?" Pope questioned.

"JJ- fucking answer us man! Is she at the hospital? Is she- is she okay?" John B shouted.

JJ took another sharp drag on the blunt before solemnly answering.

"She's fine. I mean, she's not, but she's alive."

Kie shoved him with some frustration, her tears quickly drying up but her teeth gritting.

"Why the hell would you scare us like that? What happened?"

"We had an argument... I- You were right Kie. It is my fault."

She blinked incredulously, double taking as she tried to suss out what was wrong with the boy.

"What are you talking about?" She questioned angrily.

He took another sharp drag, even sharper this time, ran his hand through his hair and then turned to the Pogues with exasperation.

"Y/N likes me! And I've been a fucking idiot to not see it. I shouldn't have rubbed all those girls in her face. I didn't think she cared, but.. I guess she did."

"So you're saying that like it's a bad thing. I thought you liked her too." John B proclaimed in a confused tone, shooting a look to Pope who had also been aware of JJ's crush.

Kie was kicking herself for not picking up on that, wishing she’d known and she could’ve told you weeks ago - before you even had the chance to get depressed and pick up a pill again. But she didn’t focus on that thought for too long, more focused on your current wellbeing.

"I do, I just- We all know I'm a piece of shit, okay? I don't deserve someone like her. Hopefully she sees that now." JJ tutted, his eyes darting between each of the Pogues.

The uncertainty of his statement made them all nervous. 'Hopefully she sees that now' - what the hell did that mean?

"What do you mean? What did you do?" Kie hissed, her heart in her throat.

"Nothing! I was just rude. I guess I rejected her. Called her a junkie-"

Kie hit him again, seething with the boy at that point.

"What is wrong with you? Why the fuck would you do that?" She snapped, grabbing the blunt from his hand and throwing it onto the floor. "Go back there now and tell her you love her! She's probably crying her heart out right now."

JJ shook his head, thinking about picking up the blunt from the ground but not bothering. Weed wasn't strong enough to make him feel better anyway. He wanted to follow Kie's instruction, he wanted to hold you and tell you his truth, but he could think of too many reasons why not to - too many reasons why you were better off without him. The rejection may hurt now but you would get over it. You had plenty of other options. You would get sober again and you would be fine. His issue was that whether he was sober or not, he was never fine.

"Being with me would only fuck up her life more and you all know that! You should just convince her to like someone else, someone whose good for her. I can't do this." JJ protested.

"You're not a bad guy, man. Come on." John B said but JJ just shook his head again, walking towards his motorbike.

"So you're just gonna leave?" Pope scoffed as JJ got onto the bike.

"I told her to turn on her phone. Try calling her again." He said numbly before kick starting the bike and speeding off.

Kie groaned, unsurprised that when she called your phone moments later it didn't go through. She sat melancholically next to Pope, leaning on his shoulder whilst John B stressfully kicked a stick around.

"Well that's not what I was expecting." Pope sighed and then turned to Kie. "How long has Y/N been crushing on JJ exactly?"

She shrugged and shook her head.

"I don't know. Forever. But that doesn't matter anyway. I'm worried. It must've taken a lot for her to admit that she likes him, so she's either really manic or.."

"Really high." John B finished her sentence, not looking up from the ground.

"How much do you want to bet it's the second one?" Pope groaned.

"I just don't get why she didn't talk to me if JJ was upsetting her this much. She promised us she'd never use again. She's never broken a promise before." Kie sighed and then stood up. "I'm gonna go to hers. I'm annoyed but.. I'm more worried than anything. I wonder if her mum has clocked on yet… I’ll see you guys tomorrow."

"Love that woman but she's clueless so I doubt it." John B scoffed dryly. "See you tomorrow Kie."

Kie picked up her bike and rode it to your house, her mind racing with all the possibilities of what you could be doing.

"Most likely passed out or crying." She thought, her chest aching as she thought of your pain. You'd been through a lot together, and though she was beyond frustrated with your relapse, she wouldn't stop being your friend because of it.

When Kie eventually knocked on your door, your mum was surprised to open it to her.

"Isn't Y/N at yours? That's where she said she was going. JJ upset her quite a bit earlier." Your mum questioned and Kie was quick to catch on to the lie.

"Oh yeah- yeah she is. She's just so upset right now. She forgot some stuff and I said I would come and get it for her."

"You're so lovely Kie. What would she do without you?" Your mum smiled, letting her in.

When Kie went up to your bedroom and picked up a bag to strengthen her lie, she was concerned to see that your phone was still on your bed. Wherever you'd gone, you hadn't brought it. She turned on the phone in hope that it would give some clue as to where you could be, but all that came through were the missed calls and messages from the Pogues.

Kie couldn't let herself panic though. You were grown enough to look after yourself.

"Maybe she just went on a walk. Or a bike ride even. That's most likely. She probably just went to clear her head. I'll try again tomorrow." Kie thought to herself, but she took the phone anyway, hoping that when you came back you would have to come get it off her. She scrawled a note onto your mirror with an eyeliner from the side; "Got ur phone. P4L. - K"

The next day, Kie waited until the afternoon to leave her house, waiting for your knock on the door that never came. She decided that she would go back to your house and confront you there, but when she arrived there was no one inside. Your mum would be at work - that made sense - but after pounding on your door loud enough to wake you up from whatever slumber you might be in and getting no answer, she started to panic.

All of the worst possibilities sprung into her head - a horrific vision of you overdosed and alone, bent over the toilet and throwing up uncontrollably or even passed out and foaming at the mouth - so she quickly rushed to find the spare key under one of the many plant pots and slammed it into the door. She ran up the stairs, loudly repeating your name as she did, and paced into your room.

"Y/N, please be okay." She said before opening the door, her heart dropping when you weren't in the bed.

Nothing in the room had moved, not the crumpled up bedding, the pile of clothes in the corner nor the note on the mirror. You hadn't come back.

"Shit. Where the fuck is she?" She muttered to herself before pacing around the house, desperately searching for you but finding nothing. "Need to find her."

Now her mind raced to even darker corners. Perhaps you'd fallen into one of the many bodies of water on the island, high and uncoordinated, and drowned. Or maybe you'd crashed your bike into an oncoming vehicle. Maybe you'd passed out somewhere and someone had called an ambulance, or maybe you’d put yourself in danger without even realising it. She had no idea how spot on she was with the last prediction.

Kie had told Pope of her plan to force you to come to hers by keeping your phone, and all of the boys had assumed that the confrontation had been over and done with by that point, so they were confused when she turned up at the Chateau without you.

"Did you speak to YN?" JJ asked, springing up from his seat as soon as he spotted Kie.

He'd hardly slept, tossing around in his bed all night as he thought of all the things he wanted to say to you but couldn't. "It was better this way." He tried to convince himself "She's better off thinking I don't want her. Maybe she didn't even mean what she said. Maybe she was just high." He couldn't push the image of him holding you and loving you from his head though.

"No. She never came to mine." Kie huffed, wheeling her bike over with furrowed brows. "And before you ask - yes I went to hers, she's not there. Doesn't look like she's been home at all since I went there last night."

"So where is she?" John B questioned, his posture tightening.

"Do I look like I know?" Kie snapped. "I'm seriously worried."

"Shit." JJ hissed, instantly jumping into a panic. He was quick and erratic. "Okay. We should all split up and look for her. I'll check the marsh and the forest, Kie you should check figure eight, Pope you check town, and John B you take the boat and check the waters. Report back here in two hours."

He rushed towards his motorbike before anyone could even answer, but stopped in his tracks when Pope suggested a disheartening idea. It was an idea that had occurred to both John B and Kie as soon as JJ had announced his plan, though it didn’t surprise them that he didn’t think of it. He was someone who always lived in a somewhat state of denial.

"Don't you think one of us should check the hospital too? You know, just in case."

JJ swallowed, catching the lump in his throat before it could properly form, and nodded.

"Y-Yeah. You do that." He said without turning around. He wanted to argue - to say that the idea was ridiculous and a waste of time - but he couldn't find it in himself to do so. Pope might be right, and if he was... JJ had to cut his thoughts off before they got too hard to bare. He jumped onto his bike and sped off, heading straight to the marshes.

His search was obviously fruitless. He waded through knee high mud and lifted up heavy logs. He dug through thick bushes and climbed up trees. He shouted your name at the top of his lungs and prayed to God that you would appear.

But none of it worked.

By time the two hour mark had hit, he'd searched miles of forestry and worked up quite a sweat. Still, he wouldn't stop until he knew you were safe.

"Maybe one of the others have found her." He thought desperately to himself, jumping on his bike and heading back to the Chateau. They'd all tried to convince themselves with the same hopeful thought and been sorely disappointed when they eventually returned to their friends. JJ was the last to arrive.

"Any luck?" He shouted from his bike before he'd even got off it, springing across the lawn.

The rest of the Pogues were stood in a circle, also damp with sweat and breathing heavily. They looked upset which was understandable given the situation, but JJ felt his heart jump into his throat as he worried that the unimaginable had happened.

"Pope! She wasn't in the hospital, was she?" He asked with urgency, pacing over to the boy.

Pope was breathing heavily, still catching his breath from the run back to the Chateau.

"Pope!" JJ repeated in an almost shout, shaking his friends shoulders.

"No- No." Pope panted out.

"Chill, JJ. None of us had any luck." John B patted him on the back with a sympathetic look.

It didn't calm him down though. Instead he started to anxiously pace, running his hands through his hair and repeating to himself "Think, JJ. Think!"

"She might just be at someone's house. Who knows, she could be having a great time right now while we're thinking the worst." John B suggested which Kie rolled her eyes at.

"The only people she’d ever hang out with other than us are druggie degenerates, so it's not exactly great if she's with them either. Those people wouldn't care if she was on the floor foaming at the mouth."

"Well I don't know what you want me to suggest, Kie! We've looked everywhere else. Should we start banging on the doors of every junkie we know? Because that could take a while!"

As John B and Kie bickered, JJ continued his pacing, racking his mind for ideas until one shot into his head like a bullet.

"Wait-Wait. What did you just say?" He turned to his arguing friends.

"That she's probably with some drugged up degenerate?" John B answered in a sarcastic tone.

"That's it! She's probably at her dealers house. And I know only one scum bag who sells that prescription shit."

JJ ran back to his bike without saying another word, ignoring the questions from the Pogues as he kick started it and sped off - some hope finally in his mind though it was still mostly clouded by worry.

"Should we follow him?" Pope asked.

"Probably." Kie answered, heading towards the Twinkie with a sigh.

It was ten minutes later that JJ pulled up by Barry's house, carefully parking his bike around the corner so that the dealer wouldn't see him. They'd had their fair share of arguments already about JJ's dad and due to this JJ knew that he had a gun. It wouldn't do him any good to get caught on his property.

The blonde paced through the overgrown front lawn and almost jumped for joy when he saw your bike strewn lazily into one of the bushes - the signature ugly green paint instantly catching his eye. You would just be sat on the sofa smoking a joint or something. He could knock on the door, distract Barry without getting shot somehow and get you out of there in no time.

Then the sound of a large vehicle coming towards the house reached his ears, and he quickly ducked around the corner and crouched under one of the windows, anxious to not be caught by one of Barry's customers either. They typically weren't the most reasonable people after all. He was relieved with his decision when Rafe Cameron jumped out of the truck, music blaring and obnoxiously announcing himself as he knocked loudly on the front door.

JJ's ear pricked as he heard Barry's voice from inside, not having realised that the window on the wall above his head was open.

"Shit." The dealer tutted, followed by the sound of a zip. "Why now?"

Barry's breathing was heavy, like he'd been doing exercise, and it peaked JJ's curiosity. Was he working out whilst you watched from the sofa? That would be fucking weird. There was no way you would be lifting weights with him.

JJ listened carefully, waiting for the sound of the front door to open and the start of a passive aggressive conversation between the two men before he stood up and looked in the window. If either of them caught him, that would be a lot of trouble.

He wasn't at all prepared for what he saw through the glass though.

The sound of the zip suddenly made sense, and the heavy breathing. You were there, lying in an unmade bed, stripped naked and seemingly asleep. Even unconscious your face looked so sad and your body looked tired; thin, with random bruises scattered about your limbs and dirty looking hickies on your chest.

Had you let Barry do this? Surely not. Surely you had more self respect than that.

The thought of any other man touching you was enough to make JJ feel upset, let alone a scumbag dealer that he knew you would never have any real feelings for. But then it dawned onto him - that if you hadn't wanted Barry to have sex with you, that didn't make it any better. In fact, it made it a whole lot worse.

It meant that... you'd been tricked or forced or coerced in some way. It meant that you'd been raped. And maybe you didn't even know it. Maybe you were so knocked out that you would have no idea what Barry had done. Maybe he had drugged you on purpose so that he could do it.

JJ's blood boiled, so much so that he felt himself getting physically hotter, his teeth grinding and his fists clenching. He tapped on the window, hoping to get a response from you, but you stayed stiff and still, your eyes closed and your breathing shallow.

How much had you taken? Had he given you something too strong? Did the dealer even know if you were on the boundary of never waking up? Did he care? Either way, there was no way you could've rightfully consented to doing anything sexual with anyone. Not when you were clearly out cold.

"Fuck. Fuck. Fuck." JJ hissed to himself, trying to quickly brainstorm a way to get you out of there without getting killed by Rafe or Barry.

He pulled out his phone and went to text John B before remembering that he'd ran out of data, cursing himself for not paying his bill once again. Then he decided to creep around the back and listen in through another window, hoping that he'd overhear something to help with his plan. All that he heard didn't serve to help though, in fact it made his rage all the more fiery and his brain even less able to come up with a good idea. The desperation was becoming torturous.

"Where's Y/L/N then? I can see her ugly ass bike out the front." Rafe asked in a mocking tone.

"She's in bed, sleeping. What's it to you country club?" Barry answered.

Rafe scoffed. "I caught you mid fuck didn't I? Sorry for being a cock block bro. Can't say I'm not jealous. Bet she's a total freak in the sheets."

JJ could practically hear the smug smirk on Barry's face.

"Yeah, tits like you've never seen. And pussy like a vice grip. You wanna come take a look? She's out cold."

"You already know my answer to that, bro." Rafe chuckled.

JJ's eyes widened, a deep panic settling into his chest. You would be mortified to know that Rafe Cameron had been ogling your exposed form, let alone the potential that Barry might actually let him sleep with you. He ran back around to the other window and banged on it one more time in hopes of waking you up before quickly ducking down again just as the two men entered the room. He couldn't stay down and listen to their crass remarks this time, he couldn't bare it. He had to cause a distraction.

With a rush of inspiration, he picked up a rock and lobbed it at Rafe's truck, creating a loud thud as it dented the exterior. The two degenerates stormed outside at that and JJ heard the sound of a gun clicking.

"What the fuck was that?" Barry muttered whilst Rafe angrily proclaimed "Something dented my ride!"

"If there's anybody out there, you better come out now!" He shouted, his voice echoing around the vacant lot of overgrown swampland.

Then right on cue, the Twinkie pulled around the corner, a very confused looking John B in the drivers seat with Kie and Pope sat behind him. Rafe scoffed something bigoted about the Pogues before stamping over to the van, knocking so hard on the window that he was almost punching it. JJ would've been glad for his friends arrival if not for the pistol in Barry's hand.

"You dented my fucking car. Get the fuck out here!" Rafe demanded as Kie slid open the door, pacing at him with a scowl.

"We didn't do shit to your car. Now where the fuck is Y/N?"

"Didn't do shit? Look at the dent! You're paying for this Kie - since I know you're the only one with any money."

"I'm not paying for something I didn't do. Now tell me where my friend is. I can see her bike there and I swear to god if either of you have hurt her-"

"What are you gonna do? Huh?" Rafe cut her off with an intimidating smirk, stepping so that he was inches from her face. "You can't do shit."

Pope jumped out of the van and quickly got in between them, his nostrils flaring as he eyed the sociopath. John B quickly jumped out too, though before he could open his mouth to say anything Barry had cocked the gun and pointed it at the trio.

"Y/N ain't here. She bought her pills and wondered off into the marsh. Left her bike behind. Now if you want to find her before the gators do, you lot best be on your way."

No one moved an inch, horrified by the revelation of Barry's statement.

"And you just let her go? What is wrong with you? She could be dead!" Pope hissed, an unexpected volume to his voice.

JJ could no longer sit and silently listen knowing that his friends were about to embark on another wild goose chase. You were there, mere feet away. This was their best opportunity to do something before anything else could happen to you.

Feeling that the dealer was sufficiently distracted, JJ decided to fully open the window and climb inside, struggling slightly with the old frame as he pushed it up. Once he was in, he instantly rushed to your side, gently shaking your shoulder in an attempt to wake you up again.

"Y/N it's me. We've got to go." He whispered, only getting a groan back from you.

Your hair was splayed messily around your face like the petals of a flower, making him think to the mornings he'd spent with you in the past. How he'd woken up beside you after a night of drinking and wanted to kiss you, but held himself back in fear that you would find it weird. That you would remind him that you were only friends with the occasional benefit. That you'd laugh in his face. If only he'd known how wrong he was.

Perhaps he didn't deserve you, but if being by yourself meant that you were going to do this to yourself... he would have to fight until the end of the earth to be with you.

In that moment, he regretted so many of his past actions. From the random girls he'd kissed in front of you to his recent rejection of you, he knew that once you were safe and awake he would do anything and everything to take it all back.

You would be his. No one else's... This could never happen again. No one other than him would touch you. He wouldn't allow it.

He looked around the room in a panic, picking up your shirt from the floor and lifting your head so that he could pull it over your body. Your body weight was resisting his actions, dead and heavy, but when he found your underwear and started to pull them up your legs, you finally flinched awake - even if it was only slightly.

"No Barry. Not again." You mumbled, lifting your leg to kick him away.

"It's me - JJ. We're gonna get you out of here." He said quietly, pulling your panties up so that you were covered and then slipping his arms underneath you to hoist you up bridal style.

Your eyes shot open at the sound of his voice, your heart jumping into your throat.

"JJ?" You whimpered, struggling to keep your eyes open.

"It's me baby. It's me." He repeated in a hushed tone. "You're safe now."

Then he heard the sound of the van starting outside and knew that he had to be faster. He looked around the room for a weapon and was pleased when he spotted a shotgun leant against the wardrobe, an idea springing into his head. He quickly put you back down on the bed.

"No. No. Don't leave me." You choked out, your breathing becoming rapid with panic. It broke JJ's heart to hear.

"I'll be two seconds. I promise you'll be okay." He mustered the softest tone that he could, stroking your face and placing a delicate kiss on your forehead before picking up the gun and charging out of the room.

As soon as you were out of his sight, his bubbling anger returned. No longer would he be able to put on a calm front, that time had ran out. Adrenaline coursed through his veins and his skin went hot again, thinking of the vile words he'd overheard.

He pumped the gun one time, making sure it was loaded, and then slammed open the front door, quickly drawing the attention of the bickering degenerates outside. John B also quickly noticed his friend too, instantly stopping the Twinkie from reversing and jumping out again as he watched JJ in disbelief. The scene moved so quickly that none of the Pogue's were able to immediately process it.

With a cry of anger, JJ lifted the gun above his shoulder and then slammed the butt of it as hard as he could into Barry's head, knocking him out instantly. The dealer fell to the ground and dropped his own gun, and before Rafe could reach for it, JJ pressed the barrel to his chest. Rafe held his hands up in nervous surrender, though it didn't mean much.

"I should fucking kill you both!" JJ shouted. "You fucking piece of shit. You like girls when they're passed out? Huh? You like girls that can't say no?"

"Woah man. Chill. I didn't touch her." Rafe tried to calm him down, his eyes wide with fright. "It was all Barry. I just got here!"

At the realisation of what JJ had alluded to, the three other Pogues ran to join in the confrontation again. They felt sick at the idea that you might've been hurt - especially by two such unsavoury characters.

"Where is she?" Kie shouted, throwing punches into Rafe's side whilst Pope picked up Barry's pistol from the floor and kicked his body a few times.

"Inside." JJ answered through gritted teeth, staring Rafe down and struggling to not pull the trigger. "Tell me why I shouldn't kill you."

Rafe stumbled for a moment, swallowing before he collected himself and answered confidently "I didn't even touch her. Kill me and you’re going away for life! There’s not gonna be any of my DNA on Y/N, I can promise that! I’m not into passed out chicks. That’s all Barry.”

JJ didn’t move for a second, thinking on the boys words before lowering the gun slightly. He would make him suffer another time. In that moment, Barry deserved his attention much more.

"Get the fuck out of here." JJ eventually hissed.

Rafe did exactly that, backing away quickly to his truck and speeding off. The blonde turned his attention to Barry now, who was groaning as he slowly arose from the ground. Without hesitation, JJ bent down to his level and started to throw punches, blinded by fury and bloodlust. His nose cracked first, then his cheekbone, then his eye socket. JJ didn't know how long he'd been attacking him for when he felt John B's touch on his shoulder and heard his voice in his ear. The brunette had found you in the house and lifted you into the Twinkie during JJ’s raging, stood and watched for a moment and then decided to stop his friend, worried for your welfare despite enjoying the show very much.

"Come on JJ, that's enough."

Barry's face was an unrecognisable bloody mess, but he couldn't stop.

"J, you're gonna kill him."

That didn't matter.

"We need to get Y/N out of here. Let's go!"

The sound of your name did halt him. His knuckles were bruised and his chest was panting.

"He raped her, John B. She was passed out in there and naked when I found her!" He turned to his friend with a desperate expression. "We need to kill him."

"I know, I know. But he's not worth the prison sentence, J." John B struggled to bite back his own rage but managed to do so, speaking in a soft tone as he tried to calm his friend. "We'll make him suffer, don't you worry. But right now we need to go."

The blonde boy finally nodded in agreement, feeling somewhat dizzy from the adrenaline as he stood up and made his way to the Twinkie. Once he saw you inside, your half dressed body curled up on Kie's lap as you cried, the guilt came back to him in an agonising gut punch.

"This entire thing had been practically all his fault." Was all he could think. "From the relapse to this. He'd fucked you up without even trying."

He ignored his friends shouts as he paced back to his bike and said nothing as he rode off, deciding that he would go to a bar and drink his thoughts away for the night. As John B had said; it wasn't worth getting a prison sentence for murder, but that didn't mean he couldn't find some other random people to fight.

Hiiii I hope y’all enjoyed. I might make a part 4 depending on feedback. Stay safe!!

[diejager]

Hi! Could you please a non-con with John Price? I really love your blog!!

Orders, Private

Pairing: Dark!Captain John Price x fem!reader

Cw: NON-CON/DUB-CON, DARK, nsfw, p in v, creampie, choking, age gap, oral (male receiving), implied pregnancy, unprotected sex, cockwarming, implied discharge, abuse of authority, slight daddy kink, tell me if I missed any. Wc: 1.8k

You joined the army to feel secure, to be safe and to be able to protect yourself. Although it was a predominantly male occupation, you found yourself feeling more at home and comfortable with them and the few female soldiers at the base. You had a small convent of your own composed of the women who left their households to join the military for various reasons, both good and reasonable. You trained and grew, fresh out of the toxic environment of a strict religious family, climbing from a cadet to a Private First Class at 19. You were proud and so were your brothers and sisters, watching the scrawny kid grow leaner and stronger in the past year. 

You were safe and protected. You could defend yourself from others tempted to force themselves on you. You were strong. Perhaps you became too relaxed knowing you were surrounded by people you could trust, letting your guard down and your nativity unchecked. You felt safe, you hadn’t worried about your commanding officers. You didn’t see yourself being in danger around them, and yet, here you were, forced to your knees for a man you trusted, a man that had led you and inspired you all. 

That’s why it hurt even more.

“Orders, private,” was all he told you, dark eyes staring at your bobbing head between his legs. A cruel grin danced across his lips, a proud and shrewd smile that creased the wrinkles at the corners of his eyes. Sweat rolled down his forehead as he bit back a groan, throwing his head back and thrusting back into your mouth. 

You let out a pained whine, fingers clawing at his thighs, big and hard, hot under your smaller hands. His balls slapped your wet chin, his cock far down your throat had made swallowing difficult, saliva dripping from your wide and swollen mouth. He growled, rocking his hips erratically, chasing the tightness in his groynes, the promise of relief. He laughed when you gagged, your throat retching and closing. He laughed like it was a joke, a cruel joke that he suddenly came up with to deprive you of air. 

He used the momentum of both his thrusts and the bobbing of your head to force his shaft deeper, hitting the back of your throat as he throbbed in your mouth. Your nose bumped his musky, pubic hair, the scent was strong and heady, smelling of sex and sweat. Your chin rested against his heavy sack, balls tightening as he came down your throat, spurting ropes of tangy cum.

“Swallow, private. I’ll make you lick it clean if I see a single drop on the floor.”

His threats weren’t hollow, they were true and founded on the fear of harsher abuse. You tried swallowing every drop, throat gagging around his softening shaft in a failed attempt at listening to his order. His rough fingers brushed your hair back, playing the illusion of an encouraging master, rewarding you with soft petting - an illusion of a consensual blowjob. You weren’t fooled, you couldn’t be after this. 

Your hands left his thighs to cup at your closed mouth when he slid out, his heavy cock slapping your chin as it left. Your cheeks were swollen with cum, the salty substance weighing heavily on your tongue and conscience. You tilted your head back to ease the flow, still and subservient to his calm petting. Slowly, you swallowed everything, red eyes closed and teary, tears streaming down your cheeks as he cooed at you lovingly. If only you could disappear, leave your body and let it all happen to you while you weren’t here, while you dissociated-

“AH!”

White hot pain flashed through your mind, Price’s fingers grasped your hair and tugged your head back, forcing your mouth open for him. He hummed satisfyingly, eyes glued to your swollen lips and flat tongue. He roved over it, smiling proudly at your tear-stricken expression, your wet cheeks, dilated, doe eyes and your messy hair. The sight of your dishevelled look seemed to arouse him further, his once-soft cock hardening between his thick legs, standing proudly with a pink blush on the tip. 

He jerked you back, throwing you to the ground as he stood up, circling your gasping figure. You rested on your knees and elbows, back facing him and head down, chest puffing with erratic breaths. Wolves would lower their heads before a stronger pack emmener, showing their submissiveness or respect to the older and stronger wolf. You couldn’t bring yourself to look at him anymore. It hurt too much. However much you wished you could rebel, you knew it was futile. 

You were a private and he, a captain of a Task Force. He outranked you by nearly two decades in experience and reputation. No one would believe you if you told them that Captain John Price had raped you. You would be called a traitor, a sham, a liar, someone who wanted to ruin the pristine image of the great Captain Price. 

You were alone, no one would help you.

“Get up.”

On shaky knees and unstable footing, you stood up, steps stuttering to reach him at his desk, but you were too slow for his liking. His hand reached to grab at your lapel, pulling you to him. He kicked behind your knees, knocking you off balance and onto his desk, upper half splayed over the hardwood. He bent you with the full intention of fucking you. It scared you because you wouldn’t be able to fight him off, he was both bigger and stronger. 

Your nails dug into the wood, looking ahead with fresh tears. He felt your body, big palms wrapping around your waist and down your chest, cupping your breast with a sigh from him. He gripped your hips, feeling the leather belt buckle and ripped it free. You cried out as he pulled your pants down, hands kneading the curves of your hips and the roundness of your ass, fingers gripping your fat with the intent of bruising you. 

“Please…” you begged. You didn’t know why you did it, but it was the only thing you could do at the moment. Beg until your voice turned hoarse and weak, a whisper of what it used to be at the peak of your glory.

He scoffed.

“You’re always so soft.” 

He felt you a while longer before his searing hands left you. You sighed but froze when something hard and hot bumped your ass, the wet mass rutting over you. Your breath stuttered and you resulted to hide your face between your crossed arms, giving up on your miserable fate. He pumped himself, sighing as he ran the tip over your fold, slipping between your slit and nudging your pulsing clit. A shuddering chill wracked your body, breath stuck at the back of your throat.

He blew out a chuckle. Your body reacted to his stimulation while your mind still reeled at the betrayal. Your body and mind were two different things, one reacted to things while the other commanded. Although you abhorred it, it was only natural that you were slick from everything. Your begging and crying did nothing to stop your body from reacting accordingly to Price’s touch or dampen the intensity of your slickness. 

“So warm… and wet-” he rocked into you once his mushroom head caught your entrance, bottoming out in one hard thrust. 

You jerked forward with a cry, clinging to his desk as he pulled out and pushed in roughly. He groaned as he slammed in, eyes rolling back when your warm walls squeezed around him, trying to accommodate his bigger girth. Price drove into you with feral grunts, hips rocking and hands bruising you. He liked painting your skin black and blue with his hold, and carving your flesh with the half moons of his blunt nails, red and irritated. It was a show of possessiveness, marking his little soldier to remind you and himself of who you belonged. It roused the predator inside of him, bringing it to the surface of his usually calm and commanding facade. But none came alone, one always brought another; he’d whisper dark promises to you, ravaging you with animalistic intent. They were dirty things, brutal promises that he had full intentions of keeping.

It made you fear him more than anything else. 

“No! Please no! Price stop- ”

You struggled against his assault, legs kicking under him and voice screaming for reprieve in the soundproof room. He slid his arm under you, grasping your throat as he pressed into you, the tip ramming into your cervix. You choked a hoarse cry, body pulled in an arch before him, head over his shoulder, forearm holding you against his chest and hips between him and the desk’s sharp edge. It dug into your flesh as his cock ploughed deeper inside of you, spearing you over his throbbing length, threatening to spill a second time. 

“I like the thought of you swollen, love,” he muttered through gritted teeth, his beard irritating the soft skin of your neck as his pace grew frantic, latching on to the tight string of pleasure. “Swollen with my child, hmm?”

He chuckled at your fearful whine, your head shaking and fingers clutching his hand, running red lines over it. 

“Yeah, I love it too. Watching the little nipper run around the house.”

His sweat dripped from him to you, the musky odour of sex, pine wood and cigars coating you in a mix that is instinctively his. A musk that belonged to John Price. His hand left your hip to toy with your sensitive nub, rolling it with his thumb while you moaned and squirmed, the walls of your sexe tightening around him like a vice. He cursed and jerked his hips faster, harder and rougher, lost in the delirium of pleasure and hunger. 

“Come, love. Come now.”

Orders, private, echoed in your mind, his word was law, his hand, the mighty hammer. He ingrained it in your mind and your body reacted as such. A well trained pet for its master to order around. Your breath caught in your throat and your hip bucked into his thrusts, head thrown back with a sharp keen. You closed around him, spamming walls pulling him deeper as the waves of pleasure crashed over you, quenching your dripping arousal. 

“Fuck-” he swore, grinding against you as your relief pulled at his. He came with a moan, tip spurting white, potent cum into your young womb. It flooded your cunt and leaked around him, staining his military-issued pants with dark patches. He stayed inside of you as he sat on a chair, plugging you with his soft cock to keep from wasting his seed. He wanted it to take so he could have you discharged and kept at home. He wanted you as his little wife, possessiveness rearing its ugly head.

 “You’ll make me a daddy this time, yeah?”

If not, he’d just fuck you again and again until it knocked you up.

[reallyromealone]

WARNING: ANGST, RAPE THEMES, IT GETS DARK, EDDIE IS A BIT OF A DICK, OMEGAVERSE

Eddie Munson x male reader

🪐🪐🪐🪐🪐🪐🪐🪐🪐🪐🪐🪐🪐🪐🪐🪐🪐🪐🪐

Resilient.

That was the best way to describe (name).

Having been through the works in life, he pushed through.

"Goodnight baby" (name) tucked little (sons name) in, the boy content in the queen sized bed and hugged his little teddy bear.

His third birthday was near, something (name) thought about deeply.

He had put aside money for a gift and gathered his god parents, the only ones (name) trusted after all this time.

Opening up his laptop he hesitantly opened his email and typed.

This was the last time he was contacting Eddie Munson.

Not for money, not for anything.

This was the last olive branch he was giving him about their son, having sent countless letters to Wayne's home though he doubts Wayne told him after... the incident.

"Nancy wheeler... you can go to hell" he whispered to himself and sent the email.

"A son... fucking gold digger" Eddie hissed as he glanced at his phone while at a party with his friends, Dustin glancing at him "how dare he... probably not even mine."

"Dear Eddie,

I know you hate me, but I just want you to know, you have a son.

You don't have to meet him, but you should know he exists.

-(Name)"

He read this out loud and the party seethed, the band seethed as Eddie sent an email, not noticing others doing the same, Dustin, Mikey, Garreth and Eddie sending horrible messages.

'gold digger '

'slut'

'shameless whore'

'Come crawling back now that he's worth something? Pathetic'

'why not crawl back to the guy who knocked you up you cheap bitch'

These were things sent to him in multiple emails by people he once considered his pack, the Omega breaking down once his son went with his grandfather Hopp for the day, the cop wanting to take his duckling fishing for the day.

"I-I didn't cheat-- I-I swear!" He gasped out as Steve and Robin held him close, the two knew the truth of what happened and wanted to throttle Eddie Munson for how blind he was.

(Name)... wasn't a cheater.

He was a victim.

(Name) never let anyone get close to him like that since high school ended, his focus on his pup.

That boy was (name)s world, sacrificing everything so he had a good life.

And he would never let another alpha hurt him again.

"And then my ex, you remember (name)? Fucking messages me and like 'this is your kid'" Eddie ranted to his friend, an outcast who also attended Hawkins high "fucking slut cheats then has the Gaul to say that kids mine? Guess the baby daddy ditched him"

"...you didn't hear?"

"Hear what?" Eddie was hesitant as he looked at his friend "(name) didn't cheat..." he said softly "he was raped, there was a whole rape kit and everything, Nancy made lies about him because she thought he was too close to Steve because she didn't know you two were dating" the friend explained and eddie felt his world stop.

"...what?"

No.

What?

Holy shit.

Eddie felt his world stop as he thought about everything.

Oh god...

He... he was so cruel to his boyfriend at such a traumatic moment.

Eddie shot up and left, driving back to his house.

Rushing to his laptop he went back to that email, clicking the photo attached to it and stared. That was his son, he was a spitting image of Eddie with (name)s eyes and skin tone, wild hair and the smile... oh god the smile.

He didn't know what to do.

"He was raped... oh god my mate was raped..."

By who?

Who did that to him?

Oh.

Eddie thought back to that day.

The day he dumped (name).

"Oh my god..."

[hugmetightdontletgo]

pleease drag me into an alleyway and use my cunt, only to abandon me there and let strangers stare and rape me too <3

[princess-starscourge]

What was with OUAT’s “r*pe by deception” problem? Regina with Graham, Zelena with Robin, Mother Gothel (or whoever it was) with Hook. And it’s never addressed 😕

[rowdy-lil-pup]

I love being a lil housewife. Patiently waiting for my husband to come home so I can bat my pretty eyes at him til he rapes me, cleaning naked and cooking dinner and making his lunches. I love feeling completely under his control, I love having to ask for permission to leave or to even see my family. Even when we argue and i leave, i come back the same day begging for forgiveness over something he did, i couldnt live without him. I wouldnt know how to.

[toxycodone]

I think the lack of Anya writings is a lot of like, some people feel really weird about writing smut about someone who's arc is about rape

i can understand wanting to be mindful of that but also like. she’s not real. lol

[ash-unhinged444]

TRIGGER WARNING?

So something happened and idk if I’m losing my mind or if it actually is something..

Context:my mom and stepdad have been married for about 6ish years and me and him are not close at all. Like we talk occasionally but I do my best to avoid him because I do not like him

So I woke up today with a stiff neck, and I went to the kitchen to make some tea, and in the kitchen my mom was there and I just asked her “what would be better for a stiff neck? Tylenol? Or a muscle relaxer?”

And she answered me then she went to the living room, and he walked over to the kitchen and he started like massaging my neck?!? Like he asked where it hurt and I just pointed.. and then he like made comments about how I’m carrying alot of stress in there and how I have a huge knot and it went on for about like 5ish mins.. then he asked if it felt better and I lied and said yes and then he just stopped and walked away…

Like am I overthinking this?? Like I’m making something out of nothing right? I’m going insane right??

Idk

I’m rambling sorry.. hah I just didn’t know how to like… say anything idk

Idk I’m just like maybe I’m just making something out of nothing lmfao

Idk

Anywayyyyy

[traumadumpwriter]

JJ Maybank X Reader ~ Relapse and a Half

Summary: The Pogues feel betrayed by the readers sudden relapse into drugs, but they're unable to be angry at her for too long as something terrible leaves her needing their support more than ever.

Trigger warning for: drugs (obviously), guns, explicit sexual assault, violence, EXPLICIT!

Part One

Part Two

Part Three

Part Five

So many people commented on the last one I had to write this part! Thanks for the support it means so much to me. I might make this into a short series, potentially add another few parts but I’m not sure. Let me know what you want to see <3

Part Four:

You'd sobbed so hard into Kie's lap that you could hardly breathe, having to be reminded by your friend to take deep breaths as she tried to calm you down.

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. Please don't hate me." You'd cried as Kie stroked your hair, her heart breaking at every word.

"Stop apologising, Y/N. Are you hurt anywhere? Do we need to go to the hospital?"

"No. No. It's my fault. I'm fine. Please don't hate me." You answered, your words largely incoherent. You weren't even entirely sure what had just happened to land you in your best friend's lap.

"It's not your fault. No one hates you. Ssshh." Kie whispered soothingly, hating Barry with her entirety.

She could see the aggressive conversation happening between JJ and John B outside and Barry's body bleeding beside them. She didn't need to listen to imagine what the boys were saying to each other - JJ no doubt raging and John B trying to calm him down. If you weren't on her lap and needing her care right then, she would've jumped out of the van and beat up Barry herself.

Even without having heard the telling exchange between Rafe and JJ moments prior, your physicality made it clear that something awful and unwilling had happened inside the drug dealer's home. From your desperate sobs and panicked breathing, to your exposed skin and suspicious bruises, to the fact that you could hardly keep your eyes open or string a sentence together. It would be clear to most that someone had given you something too strong for your body to handle and then taken advantage of that.

Pope wheeled your bike into the back of the van and then sat down beside Kie, taking off his jacket and wrapping it around your naked legs without saying a single word. You didn't seem to notice his arrival anyway, your face still buried into Kie's lap as you drifted in and out of hysterical consciousness.

"JJ- Is JJ here?" You choked out.

"He's coming. Just go to sleep. He'll be here in a minute." Kie answered softly, eyeing the blonde as he stormed towards the open van door.

He locked eyes with Kie for a second, the rage he was feeling so palpable that she could've sworn she felt heat coming from him, and then with a pained expression he looked at you. His lips puckered sourly and his nostrils flared whilst his gut twisted and ached. Part of him wanted to leap into the van, hold you so tight and never let go. The part of him that wanted to hurt someone was bigger.

As he raced off, John B shouted after him, but quickly gave up, unable to blame the boy for his anger. He too would be wanting to go back to Barry's to really make him regret touching you as soon as he knew that you would be okay.

When the van started moving and you still hadn't heard JJ's voice or felt his touch, your head shot up in a panic, looking to Kie for guidance through blurry eyes.

"Does- Does he hate me?" You whispered.

"No. Of course not. Just go to sleep, Y/N. Everything will be okay." She answered softly, stroking your face with the care of a mother.

You were extremely relieved to be back with your best friend and for her to not be raging at you - as you'd feared she would be. You didn't completely understand the predicament that you were currently in and why Kiera wasn't in fact angry with you. All you knew was that you'd been at Barry's, something bad had happened, JJ had appeared, and now you were in the Twinkie. Nothing was properly processing whilst the drugs and liquor still pumping through your system - it was all just a confusing blur.

It didn't take long for you to pass out again, lying across the worn, leather seats with your head in Kie's lap. John B scooped you up with ease and carried you into the Chateau, tucking you into the guest bed that JJ usually slept in before anything was said between the Pogues. A heavy silence had enveloped them from the moment they started driving, only broken by Kie's angry groan as she stared into the darkness of the sea ahead.

"I can't believe this. We need to call the police. We can't let them get away with this!" She exclaimed, her knees pulled up to her chest.

"We should. But won't that get Y/N in trouble too? I mean, she was there to purchase a controlled substance. That's pretty illegal." Pope stated, stood in front of the porch with his hands on his hips as he paced.

"It'll definitely get her in trouble. I'm fairly certain JJ's dad has done jail time for that exact charge." John B replied, picking up the blunt from the ground that JJ had been smoking earlier and lighting it. He took a drag before he continued. "We should just go back there and fucking kill the guy."

Both Kie and Pope's heads snapped up in surprise at that, expecting that kind of solution from JJ - not his more mature, brunette counterpart. But alas, neither of them could disagree and a heavy silence enveloped the trio again.

Pope spoke after a short while, his mind racing in a desperate bid to make things less fucked up than they had become.

"Maybe they didn't.. you know... maybe they didn't do anything to her. Maybe JJ just interpreted it wrong. I mean, we don't even know what he saw. Maybe he just saw her passed out like that and broke in - assuming the worst."

"Don't act stupid Pope." John B hissed, not even bothering to look up at him as he spoke. "I went in there, I picked her up. There was literal fucking spunk dripping out her underwear... Need to clean the Twinkie and wash those bed sheets."

He mumbled the last part to himself, a sick feeling rising from his gut into his throat as he remembered the state he'd found his friend in. Half conscious, half dressed, in a disheveled drug den, the room stinking of sex and weed, a damp pillow at her head and a fearful gasp as he'd picked her up.

Kie and Pope grimaced at the image he'd painted, a sickness too rising to their throats, and another long silence came over them until Kie spoke with a sigh.

"This is so fucked up... I'm gonna go inside, make sure she doesn't choke on her vomit or anything. Where do you think JJ is?"

The two boys shrugged, a million and one potential answers to that question. All they could do was hope that he hadn't lost his mind too intensely and landed himself in jail, though it would be understandable if he had. They waited up for him for a while, but hours passed and there was still no sign of the blonde returning, so they eventually slinked silently inside too and passed out in their own respective sleeping spots, entirely exhausted.

Meanwhile, JJ had driven to one of the shit-hole bars that his dad tended to frequent and after a few whiskey shots, started a fight with the biggest guy in there. He knew that he wouldn't win it. Maybe that was why he'd picked that fight. A desperate bid to extinguish some of his guilt, to distract himself, to forget the scared cry that you'd let out, to get what he deserved for hurting you.

After that, he'd driven to his house and started a fight with his dad - once again knowing that he wouldn't win it but wanting to punish the closest thing to a physical manifestation of the drugs you loved that he could think of. He'd remembered the knowing eye contact you and Luke had exchanged with each other last year - before JJ had clocked what you'd been using. It made so much sense when he looked back on it, you'd probably bumped into each other at Barry's, or maybe addicts could just sniff each other out with effortless ease. Identity each other like two dogs of the same breed. At the time, he'd just assumed that you recognised him from your shitty bar job, and he'd asked nothing of it - not wanting to speak about his dad any longer than necessary. It had been a quick trip in and out of his house, it never needed to be thought of again. After your overdose, he'd kicked himself for not mentioning it.

As he'd finished throwing his son to the ground, Luke spat "Get the fuck out of here" and slammed the front door shut, leaving JJ in a disheveled heap on the ground.

The boy stayed there for a little while, trying to focus on the pain of his injuries but unable to do so, his mind inevitably racing back to you - a mocking montage that would play on a loop. From your wide mouthed laughter and big, bright eyes, to the little moans you had let out as he'd drunkenly entered you, how beautiful you looked beneath him, all the way back to your limp body on the drug dealers bed, looking like a sad, broken doll.

"Why did I reject her like that? Why did I laugh in her face? What's wrong with me? Why do I destroy everything I love? Why would I think I was protecting her by being cruel? Why didn't I just go back there that night and tell her I love her? What the fuck is wrong with me?" His thoughts span around agonisingly, wrapping around his brain, slithering to his throat and constricting his breathing.

The last stop he made before returning to the Chateau was a hidden spot on the beach - which was empty for miles due to the time. He sat on the boundary between the sand and the sea, letting the salty waves bury his bottom half with his knees pulled up to his chest, and for the first time in a long time - he cried. He didn't cry hard, he didn't let sobs rock his body like he perhaps should've. No - even in his own company he couldn't let himself do that. But he did let streams of wetness fall from his eyes and small sniffles escape his nose, the guilt he'd tried so hard to suppress enveloping him wholly.

He stayed there for hours, planning on returning to you once he felt better. But that feeling never came and he eventually gave up on it, jumping on his bike as the sun started to rise and heading back to the Chateau.

You'd woken up a short while prior, accidentally waking Kie up too as you tried to sneak out of the bed but stumbled into the side and knocked everything off of it. She shot up from her slouched position on the chair beside the bed and looked around in a panic for a second before collecting herself. As she remembered everything that had happened a few hours prior, she found it hard to not cry looking at you.

You felt the same way, though your memory was not as clear - still feeling hazy and confused.

The first thing you said was "I'm so sorry, Kie. I'll get clean again, I promise."

She threw her arms around you and pulled you into a tight hug which you instantly returned, burying your face into her thick hair and trying not to flinch at the unexplained pain you felt all over your body.

"I know you will." She whispered and then pulled away slightly "How are you feeling? Do you remember what happened last night?"

"I don't know. I was at Barry's and now I'm here. How did that happen?"

"JJ found you... Do you really not remember what happened at Barry's?" Kie's voice was so fraught with worry that even in your still inebriated state you knew it was something bad.

You stood and racked your brain for a moment, trying your hardest to put it all together, and then suddenly a few pieces returned to you  - foggy and unclear but evident in what they meant. You remembered lying in his bed and silently crying, your face pressed into his pillow as he roughly fucked you from behind. You remembered saying no but being convinced the night before that, and then staying the next day just for it to happen again. You remembered his tight grip around your waist and the invasive feeling of him inside of you before you lost consciousness, actively deciding to disassociate instead of trying to stay awake. You remembered how it was your fault.

A jolt of horror sparked through your body, your face going white and your mouth dropping open. Then another jolt shocked through you as you thought about what Kie had said. "JJ had found you."

"Oh God. What did he see? He must think I'm such a slut." You thought to yourself, suddenly feeling weak.

Your knees buckled and your legs crumpled from beneath you, suddenly landing you on the floor with your head in your hands.

"I fucked up. I-I really fucked up, Kie." You gasped, tears forming.

"How? What do you mean?" She bent down to be at your level. "What that scumbag did to you isn't your fault."

"It is. I- I stayed there. Oh God. What did JJ see? What did you see?"

Would the answers to either of those questions make you feel any better? Probably not. She ignored them and shook her head.

"It's not your fault. Come on, let's get you cleaned up." She said softly, holding out her hand for you to take.

You stayed on the floor and caught your breath, swallowing down your cries before you nodded and followed her to the bathroom, only then noticing that you were dressed in just a pair of damp underwear and a sweaty top. You peeled them off and sat in the tub, pulling your knees to your chest whilst Kie put in the plug and turned on the shower head. You didn't flinch at the initial coldness of the water hitting your back, nor the sudden burst of burning hot heat it released before levelling out to a nicer temperature. Your eyes remained fixed on the stained ivory in front of you whilst you mentally combed through all that you could remember from the past forty eight hours. It was strange, it was mostly patches of black, followed by vividly clear moments, followed by third person perspectives of yourself lying in that bed - like you'd somehow left your body. Or perhaps your mind was just trying to fill in the blanks.

"I'm going to get one of the boys to grab you a morning after pill from the pharmacy. Just to be safe... you know? I'll be gone for a minute. Is that okay?" Kie's soft voice momentarily broke you from your silent contemplation and you nodded, another jolt of horror rushing through you as you realised that Barry had in fact cum inside of you, multiple times.

"Had you given him permission to do that? Probably not. But at this point you deserved it and more." You thought to yourself.

The water slowly filled up the tub and more than a minute passed, though you didn't notice either things. Despite your disgust at what had happened, and much to your great shame, you wanted another hit. You wanted to take something strong. You wanted to feel anything other than what you were feeling. You wanted to forget about what Barry had done, what you had caused and what JJ had said. Now that you'd sobered up slightly it was playing in your head again - his harsh rejection - and you couldn't decide which trauma had been more embarrassing.

Meanwhile, JJ had just arrived as John B was leaving, and both he and Kie stopped the blonde before he could step into the house - concerned by the bruises and blood he was covered in.

"Dude, what the fuck happened? Where have you been?" John B questioned.

"Doesn't matter. Where's Y/N?"

"She's in the bath." John B answered, putting his hand on JJ's chest and stopping him from walking past "But bro, your face does not look good. Where the hell have you been all night? You didn't go back to Barry, did you? Or bother any kooks?"

"No I didn't go back there, and I didn't bother any kooks! Is she alright?" JJ huffed.

"She's... no she's not alright. I mean- she will be eventually. But right now... I don't know." Kie struggled to think of an answer, not wanting to set off the blonde all over again but not wanting to lie.

JJ nodded slowly and sucked in his lips, taking a deep breath and stressfully running his hand through his hair. He tried to distract himself from the rage that was bubbling up in his gut again.

"Where are you going then?" He turned to John B, who swallowed anxiously.

"The pharmacy. Y/N needs a morning after pill... So um- I should probably go now."

And with that he took off, not wanting to see JJ's reaction to that. The blonde was surprisingly un-reactive though, sucking air sharply through his teeth and taking another deep breath. Kie eyed him nervously, getting ready to launch herself at the boy in an attempt to stop him from jumping on his bike and speeding back to Barry's. A murder charge would not help anyone.

"More violence isn't going to help." She said slowly, like she was verbally defusing a bomb.

JJ looked ready to punch someone, more than that - ready to murder someone. But he stayed calm.

"I know... Do you think she wants to see me, or does she hate me now?"

Kie took a moment to respond, taken back by his uncharacteristic maturity, but when she did she almost scoffed at the obviousness, thinking to herself that at least one good thing could come of this.

"JJ- She's completely in love with you. I think that being with you would probably make her feel a little better right now... Just let her know that you love her too. She needs to know that."

JJ's lips almost allowed a weak smile, nodding at Kie gratefully before making his way into the house and going straight to the bathroom.

You were still in the tub, the water halfway full now, unmoved from the position you'd assumed after you first got in. You didn't look up at the sound of the door opening, nor at the sound of someone sitting on the toilet seat. You did look up however when you heard JJ's voice, confusion followed by shock slowly settling into your bloodstream.

"I'm so sorry, Y/N. I'm so fucking sorry." He said lowly, taking in your disheveled appearance. "This is all my fault."

Light bruises had started to form on your neck and sides. There were scratches on your back and wine stain bite marks on your chest. But even without those telling remains of a sexual encounter, the damage would've been clear - at least somewhat. A distant look enveloped your eyes - more than just the distance that benzodiazepines gave you, a distance that could only be described as shell shocked - and your eyelids were red and puffy, with tears brimming in the waterline though your expression showed no emotion.

"JJ?" You barely parted your lips to whisper, half convinced that the boy in front of you was a vision concocted by your dissonant brain.

Your voice was so quiet that he didn't hear it over the pouring of the shower, and so he continued his pleading apology.

"I beat the shit out of him. I know that doesn't change anything, and I know it doesn't mean you should forgive me. It doesn't make anything better... I don't even know why I said that. I thought it would make you feel better but that was fucking dumb... I'm just- Jesus what am I even saying. I just want to tell you if there's anything I can do to make you feel better.. even if you want me to just leave you alone.. I'll do it. But I want you to know that I don't want to leave you alone. All of that shit I said at yours the other night- it was fucked up and I didn't mean it."

"JJ." You repeated his name louder, stopping his ramble as you pulled away from your knees.

His face was full of uncharacteristic anxiety, his mouth stopping slightly open and his eyes blinking rapidly, intensely focused onto yours. He didn't know why, but the sound of your voice surprised him.

"Stop... I'm fine." You said, your voice shaking slightly. "It was all my fault. You don't need to be saying all of this. I shouldn't have started using again."

JJ tutted and shook his head.

"Your fault? Don't say that. How could it be your fault?"

You thought of all the reasons that it might be. The fact that you'd been going there to buy drugs. The fact that you didn't try hard enough to stop him. The fact that you stayed there after the first time.

"I... I can't." You breathed out, the tears that had been brewing starting to quietly drip down your face. A tight constriction in your chest was stopping you from telling JJ exactly why it had been your fault, as was the loud shame in your head.

JJ quickly moved from the seat to the floor, crouching on the balls of his feet as he leaned in closer to you. He moved one of his hands to cup your face, gently stroking your cheek with his thumb.

"It's okay. You don't have to say anything. I'm sorry."

You warmed slightly into his hand, finding the same comfort in it that you had on your drunken nights together. You forgot everything that had happened for a moment, just feeling the loving touch of the boy that you craved so desperately.

"Stop acting like it's a big deal - please. You don’t need to be sorry." You mumbled.

JJ wanted to argue - he wanted to explain exactly why it was a big deal. But he saw how tired and still high you were and decided not to. He instead nodded and whispered "Okay."

A comfortable moment of silence passed between you both. JJ noticed that the water was getting high and turned off the shower, grimacing as he caught sight of the scratches on your back, remembering what he'd heard when he was crouched below the window of that house. Then he remembered what he'd decided out there - that you were his and he would keep you safe forever now. He picked up a soapy sponge and stared to gently wash your back, soothing you immensely. He'd planned on breaking the silence himself with a dramatic confession of his own love, but you beat him to it.

"Who'd you piss off?" You asked quietly.

"What do you mean?" He furrowed his brows in confusion.

"I mean your face is all fucked up." You responded, a hint of sarcasm in your tone that brought a small smile to JJ's face.

He chuckled slightly, trying to sound casual though there was an undertone of nerves to his voice.

"I think I'm in love with you, Y/N."

The thought that he might be imaginary once again struck you. You closed your eyes and focused on the feeling of his hand until you were convinced that he was real again.

"I don't know if I believe you." You mumbled, though a slight smile also pulled at the corners of your lips.

JJ moved his washing to your hair, gently massaging your scalp as he spoke.

"I'm serious. I- I've been completely obsessed with you since- well since we first met. That messy night at the Boneyard."

"Every night at the Boneyard is messy." You scoffed and JJ chuckled again.

"True. But I remember you were wearing that little, black skirt, and that white vest that I like.. with your leopard print bikini on underneath… and your hair was still long then."

"I don't even remember what I wore that night... but I remember Kie introducing me to you.. And I remember that Kook you threw your drink on."

A twinge of amusement ran up your spine and for the first time in weeks, you both felt like everything might work out okay. Another comfortable silence enveloped you both, the only sound being the sloshing of the water as JJ continued to gently wash you.

This continued for a short while, calming and peaceful, and you found yourself starting to feel extremely tired again.

"Can we go to bed?" You mumbled, struggling to keep your eyes open.

"Sure." He smiled, heart fluttering at the innocence of your question.

He pulled the plug out of the tub and rummaged through the laundry basket for a semi-clean towel whilst you washed the soap from your hair and then rose from the draining water. You stumbled slightly out of the tub, JJ surprised by your sudden movement and holding his hands out to catch you. When he started to dry you with the towel, you shook your head and took it from him.

"You don't need to do this. I'm fine." You said with a huff and he shot you an uncertain look.

"Don't treat me all different now. It's not that serious. I'm gonna get sober again." You justified, an ironic slur to your voice.

JJ wanted to argue but decided not to again. You weren't in the right state of mind - there was no point. But for you to say it wasn't that serious; it worried JJ.

He forced a smile though, only wanting to continue comforting you.

"I know you'll get sober again. I believe you. It was just a little slip up, right?"

You nodded, wrapping the towel around your body and heading towards the door before accidentally dropping it. Both of you giggled at that and JJ rolled his eyes teasingly.

"I'll go get you some pyjamas. Just to be safe." He grinned, unable to not admire your body even when he was trying not to.

When he stepped out of the bathroom door and swiftly headed into his room, he was confused to see that John B was changing the sheets.

"What are you doing?" JJ asked as John B pulled on the last corner of the new cover.

John B was quick to notice that JJ's previous expression of solemn doom had turned into a more relaxed one.

"We'll talk later bro. The pill is on the side. Does she need anything? Maybe something to eat?"

"Nah she just wants to sleep. If she needs anything I can get it. But thanks dude."

They exchanged a meaningful smile before JJ grabbed a baggy top from his wardrobe and a pair of boxer shorts and then headed back into the bathroom. You put the clothes on and headed straight to his bed, flopping yourself onto the fresh sheets and curling up immediately, ready to sleep like a baby.

JJ needed to wash realistically - dried blood and sea water on various patches of his body - but he couldn't resist the allure of having your body tucked safely against his once he saw how comfortable you'd gotten. So he peeled off his clothes and crawled in beside you, holding you closely against him and inhaling the scent of your hair.

You loved being cuddled by JJ, there weren't many things that could beat it. The way he held you like he needed you filled the empty void inside of you without fail every time.

He kissed the back of your head, holding his lips there for a while before pulling away and whispering "I really do love you."

You were too tired to respond, just about to drift into the realm of complete unconsciousness. But a smile formed on your face nonetheless before you dropped into a comfortable, dreamless sleep.

I just want to say that the doubt this character experiences around their assault is just representative of how I felt after my own and in no way reflects the way that anyone should have to feel. If you’ve been through this or something similar I just want to say it wasn’t your fault. My DMs are always open if u need it <3

[cryptidcally]

Fannibals, your silence is resounding

[grossillygirl]

Will you tell us who bruised and used you while you were sleeping? And how was it waking up to cum on your face? Was the person still standing over you?

I would love to use you in your sleep, fuck!

TW r*pe &sa mention in detail.

Whoever used &bruised me left no sign of themselves, at the time i didn't process that i mightve been r*ped bevause i was like no im being crazy. That only happens in the movies right? I just idk i was young too, i didnt really deep it i just was like ouchies.

He wasn't still standing over me, i woke up and there was dried cum on my face and on my pillow but again i didnt even know what it was. My first thought was "... Wtf i didnt know sleep from ur eyes could go on your lips" 🤦‍♀️ by the time that i realised what it was, i like peeled/ washwd it off and realised who did it. But im not sharing that part😭😭

Despite the trauma, or maybe because of it(?), somno still turns me on a lottt

[luck-and-music]

so uh- there’s an unofficial Block Tales RP game and I have seen some things-

[terrorbitch]

kink-shaming under the cut, you've been warned. i don't need to see shit about it.

imagine being like, famous and having people use your face for like... incestuous r*pe threads???? like what????? i cannot imagine how jdm would feel if he came across the indie rp scene where everyone and their grandma uses him as a r*pist who fucks his daughter(s)?????

[traumadumpwriter]

JJ Maybank X Reader ~ Relapse and a Half

My first OBX fic. I hope y’all like it.

Summary: The Pogues feel betrayed by the readers sudden relapse into hard drugs, but they’re unable to be angry at her for too long as something terrible leaves her needing their support more than ever.

Trigger warning for: drugs (obviously), guns, sexual assault, violence

Part two

Part One:

You'd been on the edge for a while now. The relapse should've been seen from a mile off. Your uncharacteristic quietness, the way you'd get lost in your thoughts, the distant look in your eyes. Everyone could tell that something was up, but even when they questioned you about it you had no real answers to give - uncertain yourself of what was making you feel so withdrawn.

When you'd first moved to OBX with your busy mum, you'd instantly found a group of friends - a really good group of friends - the Pogues. And they'd been quick to suss out that you were hiding things - particularly JJ. You were practically never sober, for starters, and though he wasn't either, you had a way of taking it to the next level. This was fun most of the time, but sometimes it got to a level that was concerning - even to the most problematic Pogue on the island. Whenever he'd pushed you for answers, trying to figure out what exactly you were self medicating for, you got extremely annoyed and so he never really got a straight answer. You couldn't bare to be so vulnerable with anyone - let alone the boy you'd started to develop feelings for - so you remained somewhat of a mystery.

Sure, there had been nights when you'd shared a bed - both of you very drunk. You'd convince yourself that maybe JJ liked you, maybe the sex meant more to him than just sex, but then when he'd continue to treat you like just a friend the morning after, your hopes would be crushed. It’s not like you ever gave him any reason to think that the sex was anything other than casual, but that was because you didn’t want him to be able to reject you. And besides, could he not tell that you wanted more? Kiera could and she wasn’t even in the bedroom.

Then the overdose happened. The Pogue's had suspected that you'd been taking something other than just alcohol for a while. The night that you'd almost died at the Chateau their suspicions became a painful fact. You'd taken a few too many pills - benzodiazepines to be exact - and though you'd known that you were reaching a point of no return, after hearing all about the gorgeous touron that JJ had been obsessed with, you couldn't bring yourself to stop.

That night had been awful for everyone, and you'd ended up tearfully promising that you would get clean after that, unable to bear the hurt on the Pogue's faces. So you'd been almost a year clean now, blossoming into a new person that the Pogue's liked even more than the old you. Yours and JJ's relationship remained just as complicated though - still having the occasional hookup but largely seeming as if you were just friends. Now that you weren't on pills and you could actually fully remember the sex, it hurt even more in the morning after. Still, you continued, desperate to feel wanted even if it was just for a night.

You hadn't realised how much this routine was actually bothering you until in a night similar to the one you'd overdosed on, JJ had been making out with another gorgeous touron.

*Your POV*

I'd watched jealously from across the party, ignoring the sound of Kie in my ear telling me that "I was much prettier than that touron."

I appreciated the sentiment, but I knew it was a lie, and so in a split second decision, I told Kie that I was going to go home. "I'm going to have an early one." I said, knowing it was a lie. "I'll see you tomorrow."

In that split second decision, I'd decided that all of my progress didn't matter if I still felt this worthless. What was the point in being clean if it meant that I wanted to die? JJ's insistence had been one of the things that had motivated me to stay away from the pills, but he hadn't been interested in me for a while now. He hadn't even asked me for a fuck. Had he grown bored of me? Or maybe I had gotten uglier without realising it. Maybe I had put on some weight or he didn't like my haircut. Maybe he’d developed feelings for a different girl - a better girl.

Kie nodded worriedly, clearly not sure whether to believe me or not. I hadn't even directly confessed to her that I liked JJ, she was just the only one in the group who wasn't too stupid to see it.

"Okay. Be safe." She smiled, pulling me into a hug, and though I felt bad, I still hopped on my bike and headed straight to Barry's as soon as the coast was clear.

Kie would be devastated if she'd known where I was actually going. So would John B, and Pope, and maybe even JJ, but they would forgive me quicker than her. At least, I thought that they would.

Blurred memories of the night I'd overdosed filled my mind; the sound of shouting, someone's fingers down my throat, a muffled sob, flashing lights. A shiver of shame ran down my spine as I struggled to push the images from my mind.

The ride to Barry's was short, though it felt like a lifetime as all the things I hated about myself bounced around in my head like a torturous broken record. Of course JJ didn't want to be with me. I wasn't beautiful enough. I wasn't cool enough. I wasn't good enough. I would just continue to be his slutty friend that he could stick it in whenever it was convenient for him, and he didn't even seem to want that anymore. The thought made me even more ashamed, remembering all the times I'd let him fuck me, hoping that he'd found me beautiful, thinking that maybe he liked me, just to realise in the morning that I was easy to him.

Yet I knew, that if he were to approach me in that moment and ask for a fuck, I wouldn't say no. I wanted to be wanted so badly, even if it was just for a fleeting moment, and the feeling was unbearable. It ate me up inside, making my chest tight and my eyes water. I was quick to blink any dampness away from my eyes though, focused instead on the high that I would soon have - the comfortable numbness that it would bring me. My clean streak meant nothing, a stupid concept when compared to the internal anguish I felt. From my low self esteem to my repressed trauma, I had no fight left in the battle to stay clean. Sure, the Pogue's would be upset if they found out, but I wouldn't let them find out. I would keep it low-key, unlike I did before.

When I knocked on Barry's door, I was relieved that he was the one to answer and the house was seemingly empty, meaning I only had to speak to him. His friends were annoying, and though I didn't particularly like Barry, I found him funny sometimes.

"Well shit, Y/N. Been a while." He grinned.

"Yeahh. Well I'm back." I said with a mock smile.

"Come inside."

The transaction had soon been completed; a pot of pills in my hand and some cash in Barry's. I leant back into the sofa and took one immediately, swallowing it down with a beer handed to me by him.

"Bad night?" He questioned with an amused scoff.

"Something like that." I answered. "How about you? Place ain't usually this empty on a Friday." 

"Want my own company sometimes. That a crime?"

"No. Just strange is all." I murmured, taking another swig from the beer.

Paired with my already drunkenness, the feeling of the pill was starting to hit - hard and strong - and I felt my body slump comfortably into the sofa. My head felt light whilst the rest of my body felt heavy, creating a strange, cosy sensation. It was a feeling I'd missed.

"Well what happened with you, party princess?" He scoffed, cracking open a beer for himself.

I let out a light chuckle at the question, now feeling as if it didn't matter. Nothing mattered.

"Dumb shit."

"You looked pretty upset when I opened the door. Boyfriend troubles?"

I raised my eyebrows in mock offence.

"Why would I have a boyfriend?" I questioned with a laugh "Who'd you hear that from?"

Barry laughed too.

"Cus a girl like you - you're pretty. I'm surprised some Kook hasn't swiped you up."

I snorted at that and rolled my eyes.

"Well thanks I guess."

I thought about having sex with Barry in that moment, just to hear him call me pretty again. But I decided against it, slightly sickened by the idea, and pulled myself off the sofa.

"I should go, see you around?"

"You sure you can ride that thing safely?"

"Yeah. I'll be fine." I chuckled before heading out the door and throwing myself back onto my bike.

The ride home was perilous, and though I did almost crash a few times, my body went into autopilot and I was soon safely in my bed, mind too numb to pick myself apart for the first night in a while.

For the next week I was able to keep the pill-taking to a minimum, only popping two a day at most. I only did it to make the thoughts stop - to bring on the comfortable numbness so that I could actually bare to be awake. So that I could actually bare to be around my friends.

I'd always managed to keep my feelings for JJ locked up and manageable, but for some reason seeing him with that touron had bothered me in ways I hadn't been bothered before. Perhaps it was because she was so gorgeous, or maybe it was how pleased JJ looked to have pulled her. Either way, it just reinforced to me how worthless I was. He brought her up one day at the Chateau and it instantly made me feel hot with annoyance.

"That touron from the other night just texted me, should I go there again?" He said with a proud smirk, looking around the room.

I rolled my eyes and picked up the half smoked blunt from the ashtray, relighting it and sucking on it in hopes that it would make my jealousy fade.

"Didn't you steal like a hundred dollars from her purse?" Pope scoffed, eyes focused on the television. Adventure Time was playing with the volume on low, and both Pope and Kie seemed more interested in it than the conversation that JJ and John B had been having. I'd been drifting lazily between the two, too high to properly contribute to anything, but now JJ had my full attention.

"Yeah. Obviously didn't notice though. Girl had too much cash for her own good." He mused, eyes on his phone screen. "Ooh! And guess what she just sent me."

"Tit pic?" John B asked, a grin crawling onto his lips.

"Tit pic." JJ confirmed, chucking his phone over to John B.

"Nice." He chuckled, looking at the phone before chucking it back to JJ.

"You guys are disgusting." Kie scoffed. "I mean like really JJ? Did that girl send you that picture for you to show your friend? You have no respect for women sometimes."

"I respect women very much, actually Kie. I respect you and Y/N. I respect your mums and Pope's mum. I just don't respect easy, spoiled touron's like her." He said defensively, and I loudly scoffed at that. He didn't respect me.

"What? You think I don't respect women too?" He asked me with furrowed brows, crossing his arms.

He was sat across the room from me; myself, Kie and Pope spread out across the sofa whilst him and John B sat in chairs. I looked him up and down, pleased that there was no lump in my throat to swallow, no butterflies in my stomach to squash and no loving gaze to hide.

“Sure, you really respect women JJ. Whatever you say.”

He looked surprised by that response, probably expecting me to get defensive, then continued on a rant about how he wasn’t misogynistic. Kie argued with him for a little bit, and John B and Pope eventually joined in too. Usually I also would’ve joined, just for the amusement of it all, but no words came to my mind. Instead I just watched, chuckling at the occasional insult being thrown and smoking my blunt.

Two weeks later and I’d upped the dose to at least four pills a day. The thoughts had gotten harder to crush, growing a tolerance. Much to my relief though, none of the Pogue’s seemed to suspect anything.

It was a hot day and we’d decided to go swimming, using the inner ring of a tire as a floaty - which we all fought over.

“I stole the tire, so I should get it!” JJ proclaimed, and though he was right, I wanted the ring.

“Okay well if you’re not a woman hater, prove it by letting me and Kie have the ring!” I grinned.

“Yeah! Prove it!” Kie added, high-fiving me.

JJ groaned and rolled his eyes, but eventually gave in with a slight smirk to me.

“Okay fine - but we’re sharing it!”

I giggled at his childish nature, feeling the butterflies rise up in my stomach that I’d been managing so well to suppress. The second that I realised what I was feeling, I knew that I needed to take another pill.

“I’m gonna go pee. Don’t wait for me.” I said, heading back indoors.

Once I was in the bathroom, I dug through my bag to find the orange pot, irritated when I realised that I didn’t have a lot left. I’d have to go back to Barry’s soon. That was annoying. I swallowed one of the pills with some water from the sink and looked at myself in the mirror before heading back out. I looked tired and unattractive and I sighed at that, thinking of how good the girl that JJ had been dancing with at the boneyard this week looked.

I reached into the fridge and took myself out a beer, cracking it open and downing half of it before stepping out of the kitchen. I didn’t expect to see JJ stood on the porch waiting for me, a slight furrow to his brow. I purposely hadn’t been alone with him in weeks and it sent a pang of anxiety into my chest.

“Starting this early? Haven’t seen you do that in a while. You feeling alright?” He asked, his voice soft.

“Yeah. I’m fine. Why wouldn’t I be?”

“I don’t know. You just seem.. different.” He was wording himself carefully, I could tell, which was very out of character for him. What could he possibly want from me?

“I’m just tired.” I said with a huff and tried to walk past him.

He suddenly put his hands on my waist, which was exposed in a bikini, holding me still. At the initial contact, I felt electrified, but I was quickly reminded of what I had missed - and the reasons why. I worried that my flesh felt too squishy under his fingers, that there was too much of it, or that the dip of my waist wasn’t defined enough. Compared to that touron I probably felt like a whale.

“What’s going on Y/N? Are you mad at me?” He asked, his eyes wide with concern, but I couldn’t think about his words - only the crippling self hatred his hand on my waist was making me feel.

I stepped backwards so that he was no longer touching me, something that only seemed to deepen the crease between his eyebrows, and blinked a couple of times before I could speak.

“I’m, uh- I’m going to grab a shirt.”

And with that I paced back inside, finishing the beer and pulling one of John B’s oversized vests over my bikini. The pill hadn’t kicked in yet and I could still see JJ stood waiting on the porch so I decided to go into the bathroom and take another. Then I grabbed another beer from the fridge and downed it, relieved when I felt the relaxing effects kick in almost immediately.

“Why are you downing beer? Since when do you do that?” JJ’s voice from behind me made me jump, his face critical.

“I’m just having a good time.” I smiled at him.

“Really? Because you don’t look like you’re having a good time. You look miserable, Y/N.”

Was it that easy to see through my charade? It irritated me that he cared now when he should’ve cared a couple of weeks ago. Now it was too late.

I huffed and shook my head, managing to walk past him this time undisrupted and lead the way to the water.

“I’m fine. Come on, let’s go.”

He didn’t bother me for the inflatable ring at all. In fact, he didn’t speak to me for hours after that. I wasn’t bothered by it though, the mix of booze and benzos that had finally hit making me entirely unfazed by everything. The comfortable numbness that I craved so badly.

I lay floating in the ring for what felt like hours, my eyes closed as I felt the waves move me freely around. The water was so cold compared to the beaming sun, but the two extremes together made me feel more relaxed than I had been in a while. Maybe I had fallen asleep, I wasn’t too sure, but when someone was suddenly directly next to me, interfering with the natural direction of the waves, I jumped up at their presence.

“What are you thinking about?”

It was Kie, her tone lighthearted though her face was concerned.

“Not much. The sound of the water mostly. You?” I answered truthfully.

“Honestly, right now I’m thinking about you.”

“Why? You into me or something?” I teased, not expecting her tone to change to match her face.

“No Y/N I’m serious. What’s going on with you? You’ve been acting weird ever since that party with the blonde touron.”

Kie was catching on, which was bad. It wouldn’t take her much to figure out what was really happening, so I had to come up with a lie, or maybe not a lie but a distraction.

“Yeah. Okay. I’m sad about JJ… But it doesn’t matter. I’ll get over it.” I confessed, relieved when I saw the stress in Kie’s face relax.

“He’s a total idiot. You can do better than him anyway.” She said with exasperation, stroking my hair.

“No I can’t.” I laughed. “But like I said, it doesn’t matter.”

Kie sighed.

“I wish you weren’t so harsh on yourself. If you could see what other people could see you wouldn’t be.”

I smiled at her, feeling appreciation for the girl buzz through me.

“Love ya Kie.”

She smiled too, but it was weaker than usual.

“Love you too… Now give me the floatie.”

When it got dark some hours later we all piled back into the Chateau and put on a movie, squeezing onto the couch. I sat on the edge and much to my displeasure, JJ sat next to me. That displeasure only lasted a second though before it was washed over by a tidal wave of carelessness, and I was able to relax my body against his like he was anyone - not the most problematic Pogue on the island.

The movie went on for a while until JJ shifted positions, wrapping his arm around me and placing his hand on my leg.

This had been a fairly standard position for us, his fingers creeping up my thigh in the darkness of the room and our friends none the wiser. Now it felt different though, and instead of being excited by it I was annoyed. Was I only good enough to touch in secret? Was he touching me now just because I was there and it was something to do? Could he only bare to touch me when he was drunk? I needed to take another pill.

With a wobble, I flicked JJ’s hands from me and pushed myself up, grabbing my handbag and heading to the bathroom. Pope and Kie had passed out on top of each other and John B was too engrossed in the movie to look up. So when I heard a knock on the bathroom door, I knew who it was before it even opened.

“I didn’t say you could come in. I could’ve been taking a shit.” I teased.

JJ’s stoney face didn’t offer a crack of amusement as he stepped closer to me.

“What’s going on with you? It’s like you can’t stand to be around me. Have I done something?”

“No. Everything is fine.” I answered with a fake smile.

He didn’t buy it, becoming visibly annoyed.

“You’re so full of shit Y/N. Don’t try to play dumb with me right now. I know you’re pissed off about something.”

“Why do I have to be pissed off about something?” I said combatively, crossing my arms.

“Because you’re acting like my touch is gonna make you sick or something and you clearly can’t stand to be around me! Is this because of that tit pic I showed John B? I don’t get it. Are you jealous or something? Or do you just think I’m a sexist pig too?”

“My world doesn’t revolve around you. Have you ever considered that I just stopped giving a shit about what you do?”

I usually felt horrible about lying to my friends, but looking at his beautiful face, thinking of how he didn’t want me, the lie came out easily. He clearly didn’t buy it though.

“Oh really? Is that why you don’t want to fuck anymore? Because you stopped giving a shit about me? Yeah right.” He scoffed and I felt my face start to angrily heat up. “What the fuck is going on? Did someone tell you some bullshit about me? Do you have a boyfriend now or something?”

I scoffed right back at him, widening my eyes in disbelief.

“Would that make you jealous? If I had a boyfriend?”

“Do you or do you not?” He demanded with gritted teeth.

I didn’t answer for a moment, enjoying the stressed expression on his usually uncaring face. Did he really care if I had a boyfriend? Surely not in any way that mattered. Just in some stupid male ego way. I sighed at that and uncrossed my arms as I answered.

“Obviously not. Who would want to be with me? Don’t be stupid, JJ. Now what did you come in here for?”

He looked at me incredulously, as if he couldn’t believe the words coming out of my mouth. I didn’t understand why he seemed so stressed for and it was irritating to me.

“For this conversation, right now! What do you think I came in here for?” He said exasperatedly and I rolled my eyes.

“I don’t know but can you leave? I need to pee.”

“No, I can’t leave until I know what the fuck is going on with you. Jesus! How much have you had to drink?”

Had I been slurring? I couldn’t tell.

“Not enough for this.” I tutted bitterly.

He sucked in his lips and took a deep breath, eyeing me like he was trying to work something out.

“Wait, look at me straight for a second.” He muttered, reaching his hand out to touch my face, angrily repeating himself when I questioned why.

His thumb stroked over my bottom lip and I straightened my back, trying to match his stare but unable to stand completely still. He hadn’t looked at me with such intrigue in a long time, and I was glad I was so high or else I would’ve completely submitted under his blue gaze. His next words instantly shattered any fantasies that could’ve been playing in my head though, instead filling me with unreasonable rage.

“You’re high aren’t you?”

I knew it wasn’t a question. The steely look in JJ’s eyes and his flared nostrils made it abundantly clear that he’d already figured out the answer for himself. But I couldn’t let him think he was right.

“I mean yeah, I’ve smoked a lot today, you have too-”

“You know that’s not what I mean.” He hissed, dropping his hand from my face. “I can’t fucking believe you. This is why you’ve been acting weird. I should’ve known.”

I rolled my eyes and mumbled “You’re overreacting, I’m just drunk” to which he quickly shot back “Oh yeah? Why are your pupils the size of mars then?”

“They’re not.” I felt my footing slip slightly as I lied, and I had to quickly lean against the wall to stop myself from falling.

“And now you’re just lying to my face. Nice one Y/N. How long had you been clean? A year, almost?”

I thought of the hours that he’d spent with me when I’d first gotten sober; looking after me when I was being sick, bringing around food, washing my hair. I’d felt so loved. I’d felt like there was no reason for me to ever pick up a benzo again.

The betrayal in his voice told me that that would never be happening again. With a huff, I picked up my bag from the side and shoved past the blonde, gasping when he grabbed my arm.

“Where are you trying to go now?” He laughed humourlessly.

“Get off me, JJ. I’m going home.”

“What because you’ve been caught out?”

“No. Because you’re being a dick.”

He wouldn’t loosen his grip on my arm despite my desperate pulling and so I started to speak louder, hoping someone would intervene and give me a chance to slip out.

“Get off me!”

“I’m not letting you go.” He said with gritted teeth, tightening his grip. “What have you taken?”

“Get the fuck off me!” I repeated louder, relieved when John B appeared in the doorway.

“What the hell is going on?” He looked between us with a concerned expression and JJ loosened his grip.

“She’s on fucking drugs again, John B.” JJ hissed and though I wanted to argue and try to prove him wrong, I quickly slipped out of the bathroom and paced out of the house, ignoring JJ’s shouts from behind me.

“What the fuck is going on Y/N?”

“Do you just not give a shit about yourself? About your friends?”

“How could you do this? You were clean for so long.”

His words stung, and though I rationally knew he was right, I was too ashamed to feel anything other than anger and embarrassment. The Pogue’s would hate me now, and rightfully so.

I understood why JJ was so annoyed. I’d listened to him seethe about his dad, about how he was an abusive drug addict - but yet, when the blonde came home and he was passed out on the sofa, JJ still always checked if he was breathing. I’d seen the bruises, and met the man who left them, begrudgingly shook his hand and tried to forget what he’d done with them. Was I reminding JJ of that? Was I like his piece of shit father?

In a rush, I picked up my bike and went to get on it but instantly fell over, dropping the bike as I did.

“You’re gonna ride home like this? Seriously?” JJ’s voice came from behind me, loud and aggressive.

I struggled to pick my bike back up, almost falling over it again, and his hands were suddenly on top of mine, holding the handles and stopping me from going. John B was quick behind him.

“Are you really on drugs, Y/N?” John B questioned, eyes wide.

“I’m just drunk.” I hissed, trying to pull the bike out of JJ’s grip.

“Right, she says she’s just drunk, let her go JJ.” John B said harshly but JJ scoffed.

“She’s lying! Look at her! She can’t even walk properly!”

Then he turned to me, his voice suddenly pleading and face full of pain. It caught me off guard and I felt another pang of guilt ripple through my body, tears attempting to escape my eyes but being successfully pushed back by the Xanax.

“What have you taken, Y/N? Please don’t lie to me. I know you’ve taken something.”

I wanted to tell him the truth so bad. The whole truth. I wanted to break down and beg for his forgiveness, to tell him I loved him and that I would get clean again.

But I couldn’t do it.

There was no point.

I’d ruined everything now anyway.

“I’m just drunk. Leave me alone.” I slurred and tried to pull the bike from his grip again.

It didn’t work. I fell backwards onto the ground, landing on my butt with a groan. I laughed at my fall instinctively, forgetting the situation I was in for a second, but when I looked up and saw my friend’s distressed faces my laughing stopped. Even John B looked suspicious now, his eyes snapping from mine to JJ’s. He bent down and pulled me up with ease, though he huffed after he’d done it.

“Y/N, can we look in your bag?”

My heart leapt into my throat and I quickly jumped to defence.

“No way you fucking pervs. Let me go home.”

He turned to JJ with an straight face and both of them exchanged a short look before looking back at me.

That was it. He believed JJ. He knew.

“I’m not letting you ride home. I’ll drive you.”

His voice had been so monotone, so void of any real offering, that it caught me off guard. He was angry. I looked at JJ. He was angry too.

“N-No. I’m fine. I can ride-”

“I’m fucking driving you home, Y/N. Get in the Twinkie.” John B cut me off sharply and I jumped backwards, almost falling again until he caught me.

They both looked so disappointed and I was so ashamed at that point that all I could do was nod, following him silently to the van. JJ said nothing and I didn’t dare look back to see if he was looking, though I felt that I could feel his stare on the back of my head. This was the worst thing that could’ve happened. Why did I have to take it so far? Why did I have to lie to their faces like that?

The short drive back to mine was agonisingly silent, all John B said was “Look after yourself” before I stepped out of the van.

My voice got caught in my throat and all I could force out was “Y-Yeah” before closing the door and stumbling towards my house.

Had I destroyed my friendship with the Pogues? It certainly felt like I had.

[sanaxo-o]

TW: MENTIONS OF R*PE

Lowkey don’t know if this is the right platform to say this or not but what’s going on in Kolkata and just basically in India is disgusting and horrifying.

Like we just had our independence but women here are SCARED to step out of their houses.

R*aping a well qualified doctor who was working a 48 hour shift and now you can’t even feel safe in a hospital. A small child getting r*aped but then they have the audacity to say that “oh it was because of what she was wearing” like NO! It’s your mentality that’s fucked up and honestly it reflects a lot upon your disgusting character.

And if you’re someone who fantasies about this, you’re fucking disgusting!

Women out there plz stay safe. With the way the world is going right now it’s important for us to be together instead of supporting the wrong.