#such an odd thing to be experiencing
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i've put myself in a weird spot where like. i bought ffxiv again on a new account and yet again i don't really think i'll play it or want to. i keep pressuring myself for some reason whenever i see other people mention it. like i think that hype is long gone. i cannot relive the experience of playing the story for the first time. and i'm sorry to say that nothing after endwalker was even remotely appealing to me.
#fern.txt#lesson learned i guess#i won't delete the account again#i'll just ignore it#i'm not even as hyped to play the elezen lady i made as i thought i would be#i don't really enjoy playing female characters at all#i tried to be excited but eh#i'll just hold on to the positive memories of experiencing the story#bc there was a point where some unpleasant experiences while playing it happened#it involved my wife and i fighting and a really odd friendship dynamic#and it was never the same after#sometimes you have to let things go.
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As somebody that writes pretty much exclusively Mike and Will POVs, I’ve started to notice that I’m much better at writing plot from Mike’s POV, whereas byler scenes flow much more naturally and easily from Will’s POV. It’s so weird. I can have Mike going through the literal horrors and all sorts of stuff, but when it comes to pining and romantic scenes, they’re better coming from Will. And I struggle writing plot heavy stuff from Will. They can be in the scenes together and be written fine, but with the point of view stuff it’s very particular.
Do y’all know what I’m talking about or am I crazy??
#mike wheeler#will byers#stranger things#byler#miwi#byler fic#byler fanfic#my writing#it’s a serious problem especially when I’m like flipping between them from chapter to chapter#idk maybe I just need to work on it but it’s so odd#the way a chapter is framed and experienced is totally different depending on who I’m focusing on#same goes for my fic with a nancy pov#different characters notice different things meaning you’re getting more or less of the story depending on who’s telling it#maybe I am just crazy
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You ever finish a drawing that you really like and then you spend the next three days randomly looking at it for minutes at a time like that could make it possible for you to absorb its alluring and magnetic essence with your eyes
#this is me with my icon rn. also this is silly but yeah it really feels like that#i experienced the same thing but even more intensely back in february with the short comic i made then#and then also with some of the paintings i made during my painting course days#admiring the colors and lighting on this mundane green bottle. why not#honestly this might be the first time in my life when i'm making things and i sometimes end up actually liking them fully#no little extra gripes with it that could ruin it. i just like the thing as it is. love it even. it's exactly as it should be#this feeling is one of the top things that make drawing and overall at least attempting to make art worth it#i also wonder if anyone else experiences this thing where the image of a certain character stays in your sort of visual imagination sphere#like the thing becomes associated with everything that happens at that time. the music i listen to etc#it almost feels like i sort of AM this thing. like. spiritually#ok this is hard to explain without sounding kind of odd LMAO#it's just that i've never seen anyone express this exact sentiment. with seeing the character in your minds eye sorta#i mean hmmmm. ofc fursonas and all different types of sonas and such exist. re: the identification thing#i actually find the concept of an 'avatar' as something that represents you (in a digital setting mostly) really intriguing#it was actually one of the things i seriously considered as the subject of my bachelor's thesis#but yeah ok i'm just saying this so that you all know that i AM that little purple kitty holding a heart. btw#ok i'm going to go eat dinner now. don't mind me and my strange long-winded monologues#goosepost
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oh i cant wait to rewatch movies now that im not scared of nudity and sex
#im a freak now but i was soooooo horribly uncomfortable by anything a little bit odd#its genuinely one of my downfalls as a person#like no wonder i didnt think i was human in middle school i got uncomfortable by people experiencing humanity#not to say thats all to do w sex and shit#i just didnt? get the emotional aspect and it grossed me out#i didnt get a lot of things </3#like sure i read i’ll give you the sun and i reread that one scene bc it was gay ppl#and i was newly queer and excited about it#but it also. im#i need to be able to time travel#rambles
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Bonding is fun! Why suffer alone when you can ✨suffer together✨
#omegaverse#t4t omegaverse#omegaverse lifestyle#misce#misceverse#misceanimalis#sometimes I just feel odd things and have to question my alpha#and he’s normally like#oh yeah sorry Angel I’ve got s headache#it’s seriously the coolest and weirdest thing I’ve ever experienced#wouldn’t trade it for the world though#love you honey
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in season 5 of LOST time travel is explained to hurley (and thus the audience) in such a way that it comes across as genuinely condescending
#lost loves explaining things. including things that don't need to be explained#hurley is written like an idiot in that scene so miles can explain very basic time travel concepts to the audience#said in a way like nobody on earth has experienced a time travel story#its really odd#that scene has always rubbed me the wrong way#miles is in character but hurley isn't. i don't think hurley would be that clueless about time travel#since he's shown be into sci fi media#besides. theres no way in fucking hell that hurley hasn't seen back to the future#the scene so blatantly exists to explain things to the viewers but its not something that needs explaining#tho i may be wrong there because from the stuff i've heard#i'm sorry but the original lost audience seemed really stupid for some reason
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sent 5 text messages that scared me today because i am actually really brave!!!
#i keep thinking about how i'll be 28 this year. and i REFUSE to turn 30 still letting myself be ruled by fear#and this fucked up notion i cannot shake that i am a burden on all who have the misfortune of experiencing the Me.#bc at the end of the day i am simply NOT that special. the odds simply don't add up for me to be the worst grossest most offputting guy ever#anyway this text post Also scared me so i'll count this as a 6th good thing
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Seeing dumesh abt aut lau and its like guys i dunno i think this dude as a mental fortitude to which most of us only dream of.
#some shit#dumesh#not posting to be seen and dunk on takes in a tag i dont go in.#so hopefully i dont gotta over specify i dont means hes not#i just mean. he very much does yell [and punch] at the person who was 'suffering' his friendship#or forcing the little social manipulation liar guy [<3] to just say what the fuck he means#I dont think hes getting social embarrassment the way [gestures at website] lotsa us do. bdbdhfbf#most ppl he happens to annoy DO. voluntarily consider themselves his friends. <3#dumesh is like maybe perhaps a story about very odd people doing and experiencing unpleasant things but 1. thats life#2. they haveeee a good time in the end#cmonnnnnnnn#if the only uncomfortable situations ur seeing are the ppl suffering lau/monster eating. THEN IDK. idk sounds like a u problem
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You ever look for a specific word/thing to describe a feeling you're having and think you've found it but as you look more into it it turns out it was a simular concept but very distinct from what you were looking for? And then when you try to be more specific everything that pulls up is still the same close but definitely not the same thing to describe it? I'm a stuck in a bit of a loop at the moment
#Been having this odd feeling of just. Nothing being real I guess. Or just me not being real or events not feeling real#I was trying to find a word for what I was experiencing and found 'Depersonalization' and 'Derealization'#(I think I spelled those correctly)#From a first glance the descriptions fit perfectly but as I read more in depth it. Didn't quite fit#It felt adjacent to the unreal feeling I've experienced but definitely not the same#It's like a different flavor#I don't feel detached to my surroundings and myself#I just. Don't feel very real. Or at least very human at least#I don't say that as in im something more than human or anything like that#More like something about me specifically just falls short of being one#And with the events thing it's more just like so much has happened and they've all been so bizarre that they just.#Don't feel real either!#Like yes I'm still experiencing them and being effected by them#But it feels more like the way dreams or over dramatic stories go if that makes since#I still haven't found the right words for these feelings. I hope I do eventually.#I feel like knowing what's causing it/what it is would help ground me more#Whatever it is those two words definitions/symptoms just don't feel right#Does this count as a vent?? I mean it not really a solely negative feeling#I do feel like it could be upsetting/unsettling to others and my come off as venty so I'll mark it as such just in case#tw vent
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maybe someday I will talk about how when iolttmg said that "the first thing you need to be prepared for if you ever meet an artist you're a fan of is you need to be prepared for your relationship to their work to change" it REALLY really was not lying.
#.lyr#just deleted some. WAY too specific and personal tags. haha um.#anyway. no yeah it was really true is this thing.#its not necessarily a bad thing but it IS a certainty.#and its kind of one you dont understand until youve personally experienced it.#i would not change things if i could. but like. its such a specific thing to experience and understand#and not very many people *do* understand it.#and sometimes the not being able to talk to anyone who Gets It is. lonely in a very odd way.#i havent written fanfic in almost a year now. you know that?#you know how isolating it is to not be able to engage with that fandom in the same way anymore?#i know i could still do it i know nobody eould object to it. but i dont know how to balance things anymore and it feels. so weird.#i just need to start writing original fiction probably#but thats so much more daunting. and i miss the way that that kind of fandom community feels.
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Can't let anyone forget about my practically obscene love of mushrooms. I will post about it constantly.
#speculation nation#im a little freak actually so i hope my collection of new followers r fine with that#loving mushrooms is not freak material but the level that i love them kind of is#this isnt even getting into my other odd eating habits. of which i have many.#or my habit of sampling anything and everything at work so long as it's Technically edible#up to and including plain matcha concentrate and rose concentrate and vanilla paste#and hazelnut extract and vanilla extract and caramel extract and#ive eaten plain coffee beans before and in fact DELIGHT in taking the lemon ginger shots. just plain lemon juice mixed with ginger juice#ginger juice as in just juice from the ginger. not a ginger beer no just straight ginger concentrate. i love that shit.#let's see what are other things ive sampled at work...?#plain sugar syrups. always awful. hate sweet shit like that. i will still sample them tho if i get some on me#uhm. boba dough. which ive heard unprocessed tapioca is uh. toxic. but i think ours is processed?#i havent gotten poisoned from it yet! and handmade boba dough is actually pretty tasty#raw store bought boba is one of the worst tastes and textures ive ever experienced tho#which yes i have sampled that too. and spat it out bc i couldnt bring myself to swallow. awful awful awful.#it's kinda a running joke at my workplace that i will sample basically Anything#i cant help it 😭 the other day there was a lil bit of vanilla paste left over on the tablespoon#so i just went and dripped it into my mouth w/o thinking on my way to put the tablespoon in the dish area#& the employee just saw me physically cringe. drop the tablespoon at the sinks. then rush to the hand washing sink to rinse my mouth#& he was just like. 'did you just SAMPLE that????'#& i had to be like. '....yeah😭😭😭😭😭'#to b fair some months ago he saw me sample the rose extract. run to the sink to rinse my mouth#then 15 mins later. not learning my lesson. sample the vanilla extract. then run to the sink to rinse my mouth.#the vanilla extract was slightly nicer than the rose extract. bc at least it didnt make my tongue numb (like the rose did)#Flavor Shock. that shit's real man#anyways ramble post is rambles. i just dont want anyone to think im cool or anything lmfao
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My poor therapist and i are in the exact same boat rn feeling vomity and still going through the therapy motions oh boy this is great
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Hell yeah automatic renewal on my library book
#I'm only half way through#turns out taking detailed notes takes a damn long time#especially when you're essentially transcribing the entire book into a bullet point format#girl i need this information and the book has to go back so I'm writing the whole damn thing down#plus it helps me actually absorb the information when i have to read every sentence 2-3 times and also write it myself#learning about the neuroscience of human communication 👍#having actual mechanical knowledge of complicated concepts like my own consciousness makes it easier to troubleshoot and resolve issues#it's like “hey when you're experiencing this emotion here's what's happening and why and how you can slowly change that reaction”#i wasn't born with the intuitive understanding of emotional connection allistic people apparently have#but I've always been a powerhouse in the classroom#i have full confidence in my ability to absorb information and to learn to apply it appropriately in various situations#i have the pattern recognition to tell when someone's feeling a way with pretty good accuracy#Chinese dramas are really good for studying facial expressions and emotion because they do a lot of acting with their eyes#my main problem is not having the mirror neurons that simulate the emotions of other people in my own brain#so i have the information and i understand what it means#but i also can't help thinking it's odd to feel that way because only the data comes across and not the emotion itself#but if i get a detailed enough understanding of human behavior i think i can make up for that#and with enough applied effort over time i might be able to build those networks in my own brain on purpose#bc it's not like I'm fully missing them#when someone in a show or book is sad i do cry#but i think my defenses are up too high in person to let anything through#i have noticed increased understanding and something like empathy developing lately#still not feeling the feelings but i can recognize and accommodate them which is a lot better than i used to be
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I hate when people say that something is only a problem for the chronically online. Like this is true about some things, but not always... have you all forgotten that social media is deeply embedded into our society? Anyone, including you and me, can be brainwashed by it. Younger generations that are, have been, and continue to be, born into a society heavily driven and influenced by social media and they will not be able to get away from it, regardless of parental influence/controls, because social media rules our world and will continue to do so in the coming years. And that's not even scratching the surface of what will happen once A.I. becomes deeply embedded into our society.
#this is another reason why I'm very pro no children.#it's going to be extremely hard to raise a child and try to keep them away from what everyone else is doing#or using cause they can get that when they are not in your reach by others showing them or influencing them to see it/do it#then you gotta worry about them potentially giving you hell or crying their heads off#when they are the odd one out and falling behind in their sense of belonging socially#cause they aren't experiencing the same things or have access to the same shit the kids around them have etc
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rewatching Crash Landing on You and i suddenly remembered that in 2019 i kind of saw Kim Jong Un (he had his hand out the car window and waved lmfao)
#i was 2.5 hrs late to work that day cuz they blocked all the roads for him and trump#a very odd thing to have experienced lol#jen rambles
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I am experiencing problems,, psychologically
#mine#lem has a body#so. for the past almost year roomie has been saying I've been telling her small things that don't quite make sense for my character#like ''let's watch this show I don't care for v much'' or ''remind me to eat more vegetables''#and I've kinda chalked it up to roomie misremembering#mum thought she was just lying#but this past weekend mum and I got into a fight where apparently I said something uncharacteristic (my opinion not hers) that#straight up I don't remember#I remember everything else she brought up tonight rehashing it but not the v important thing I said#and now mum believes roomie#this is a concern not just bc I'm losing pockets of time and saying odd shit#but also because my dad experienced the same thing#I remember telling mum she was being gaslit bc dad would deny doing or saying shit we all saw him do#and now here I am#displaying signs and symptoms
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