#subjected to horrific things because of how my family is

[amongie]

homeschool parents are so cruel, actually. peak "my child is my little barbie doll" behavior. i hope homeschool parents die

[gay-jesus-probably]

Let me just preface this by saying everyone is allowed to have their own opinions, TOTK is a really fun game, and I'm glad that other people have been able to enjoy the story as well.

...But I'm being dead serious with my complaints about the narrative being 100% imperialist propaganda. And I'm getting really tired of people replying to those posts by saying it can't be imperialist propaganda, because imperialism is bad and the game says that Hyrule is the good guys.

Like, guys. That's not the argument you think it is. Yes, I am aware that the game tells us Ganondorf is a flat, one dimensional character with no ambitions, interests or motivations beyond destroying the entire world for the hell of it, and also it's totally not racist because he's green, not brown like literally every other member of his race. Unfortunately literally all of these things are kind of the entire goddamn problem.

See, the thing is, everyone trying to make these arguments is accepting the game at face value. Hyrule is the perfect and almighty nation chosen by the demigod Zonai, and whose royal family has the right to rule due to their divine heritage. The other races exist to serve the glory of Hyrule, and they're happy to do it. Ganondorf is pure evil and must be stopped at any costs.

But that's not how anything works. The story informing me that Hyrule is the ultimate good that has done nothing wrong is the whole goddamn reason why I don't trust Hyrule at all. There's always more of a reason than that. And the game fucking suggests there was more going on! Ganondorf mentions Rauru has repeatedly 'invited' the Gerudo to become Rauru's subjects, and let's be clear here, it doesn't matter how peaceful those 'invitations' were, when the guy who owns every single magical nuclear missile in the world repeatedly demands you surrender to him, there's always going to be an implied threat of 'do it or get magically nuked'. Just that power difference alone shows us exactly why Ganon would feel threatened enough to invade. It's because Rauru was holding a gun to his head, and Ganon was expected to just trust that he'd never pull the trigger.

And yes, even if it wasn't intentional Hyrule was always threatening to wipe out the other nations, considering the entire royal family walked around openly wearing their magical nukes as cute accessories. If they couldn't be safely hidden away, there wouldn't be four other secret stones sitting untouched in a vault until the last second.

But that's never acknowledged. Of course Hyrule is the only nation with the right to the secret stones; even if other races get to touch them, they can only have them if they swear eternal blind loyalty and servitude to the glory of King Rauru and Princess Zelda. Ganon wanting to have one magical nuclear bomb out of a stockpile of eight of them is proof that he's dangerous and evil. I mean my god, what if he just walked around all day wearing a magical nuke and using its power for his own benefit, that would be terrifying. It's only okay when Hylian royalty does it.

And you can't argue that Ganon betrayed his own people, considering we don't get to know fucking anything about his relationship with his people. He's shows as the leader of the Gerudo, we're told he's a hero to his people, he has soldiers that loyally follow him into battle... and then oh nevermind, they all hate him and will spend eternity trying to atone for sharing a race with him. How did the entire race do a complete 180 in the span of at most a few months? Who cares, what's important is that now they accept they exist to serve Hyrule so they get to be the good guys now and we don't need to know why they were following Ganondorf, or why they stopped following him.

Basically my point is that yeah, I fucking know how the game insists everything went down. That's the entire reason I think it's imperialist propaganda, because the entire story feels like Hylian propaganda to conceal and justify some horrific atrocities that caused all of this. I literally do not believe that I'm getting the story through reliable narrators, especially considering that the only people allowed to actually tell me the story are all the characters that have the most reasons to be heavily biased in favour of Hyrule.

When the game shows me protagonists that have a massive amount of power and control over the entire world, then says the bad guy doesn't like that system just because he's evil, and literally nothing and nobody in the game says anything to oppose that take, I have some questions about what the fuck the story isn't telling me. And I'd really appreciate it if people would stop trying to argue with me just by telling me to stop asking those questions.

[gtwscratch]

so I just realized I’ve never asked an ACTUAL question for this blog which is WILD considering I’ve been here since joel so here!

1. does scar have like heavy ptsd when he gets a bit *too* jumpy and accidentally kills some of the scientists? if so, does he feel guilt at all? yk, considering they ruined his and his friends lives.

2. where did that scar on martyns leg appear?

3. what *are* some of the tests these scientists do? if that can be revealed rn lol. (if so, you can just list one character and the experiments done on them. would be cool to know!!)

4. was grian captured first? how did his feelings change overtime if so? (if a different person was captured first, how did they feel?)

okay I’ve done my part to actually contribute to this au let’s gooooo 💥💥

1.) Yes, he’s 100% got PTSD. Every time he’s killed someone, it’s been an accident. And he feels absolutely horrible every time it happens because they’re people. Sure, they’ve treated him and his friends absolutely horrifically, and none of them will recover from the shit they’ve been through, but those are still people with families and friends outside of the facility.

2.) I assume you mean when, and I have no idea. I just thought it looked cool and wanted to reference some of cherrifire’s art. :)

3.) Uhhh I have no idea. This is goi bc to come as a shock, but I’m actually really squeamish with like.. needles and doctors and stuff. If you start talking about going to the doctor’s, I’ll immediately start feeling anxious. Luckily I have friends who aren’t squeamish with all that, and they’ve agreed to help me when I get to that point. Some of it does have to do with things like needles, and blood tests, and endurance and stuff like that, but others are more specific to what their powers are. So, for example, they’d test how far Impulse can teleport. They’d see how long Lizzie can make her shadows last. They’d test how far Martyn could hear and at what frequency he could hear at. You get the picture.

4.) Yeah, Grian was the first, but not by a very long period of time. Everyone was taken within a couple of days of each other, the whole process of their “collection” taking about a week. But for the few hours that he was the sole subject, he was scared out of his mind.

Thank you for such a variety of questions!

[the-garbanzo-annex-jr]

Peter Beinart is releasing a book this month titled "Being Jewish After the Destruction of Gaza: A Reckoning." The entire point of the book is permission structure to hate Israel as a Jew. Perhaps this permission structure can be seen in a tweet Beinart posted on January 1, "Our children will ask their children will ask their children what we did while Israel obliterated Gaza. From generation to generation to generation, l'dor v'dor."

My answer would be that Israel has tried to make peace with its Arab neighbors and with Palestinians since Zionism started. That the 1929 pogroms, the 1936-39 massacres, the 1947-1948 war, the 1967 war, the 1973 war, were not started by Israeli actions but by those who wanted to destroy Israel. That Israel tried to make peace with Palestinians during Oslo only to have the Palestinians respond with a horrific terror spree aimed at Jewish civilians. That things were getting better in Gaza in the years before 2023 when Hamas seemed to act as if calm was a good policy, but it was all a scam meant to set the stage for the largest massacre of Jews since Auschwitz. That even during the war Israel did more than any army in history to avoid civilian casualties and to bring aid into a war zone, while Hamas did everything possible to maximize civilian casualties and steal the aid. That even though Israel can say screw them all, we should act like they falsely claim we act - we never will. Because Jewish morality is not subject to the whims of popularity or social media or this year's new interpretation of international law, but on concepts that are timeless.

I would tell them that true bravery is to stand up for what is right when the entire world tells you you are wrong.

Moreover, I would tell my children and grandchildren that the Jewish people are a family, a tribe, a people and a nation. The top priority of every family is to defend themselves first, to save their own lives first. Everyone else's lives are important too - but not as important. Anyone who pretends that the lives of their family is no more important than the lives of those trying to kill them and those cheering on the murderers is either a liar or immensely immoral. 

And while families stick together, those who choose to betray the family are outcasts. They can claim to remain part of the family but they know, and the family knows, the truth. 

However, the family would welcome them back when they come to their senses and recognize that they made a grievous error. 

[wosowrites]

Moose (Jessie Fleming x Reader)

warnings: none

prompt: in which the reader and jessie play for chelsea and before they leave for the world cup reader makes jessie a crochet moose which becomes the team mascot for canada.

a/n: based off this request here also a super short fic because i’m still broken.

You were not at all a crafty person. Jessie had grown up with a craft room in her house and she liked to paint, draw, and do artsy things to calm herself down like her mother had taught her. When you started dating a year into her contract at Chelsea, her calmness had rubbed off on you. You had always been a stressed out person and moving in with Jessie had made you into a much more relaxed and happy human. You would go on bike rides, hikes, make crafts, paint the house every time you got bored of it and do everything together.

However the only thing you started doing on your own was crocheting. Jessie had tried it but was never big on it, so all the spare yarn in the house went to you. You loved it. You were horrific at it however. Everything turned into little colourful blobs and your creations were constantly either too loose or too messy. That’s why, when you walked into the house one day and pulled out a beautifully crocheted moose with a Canada jersey on, Jessie was baffled.

For the past three weeks, you would escape to a café every day and crochet for about an hour before going back to your girlfriend. Jessie was not a worried person and as madly in love as you both were with each other, spending a small amount of time away from each other every day just made you closer. Some days you would tell her you were grocery shopping, other days it was a meeting with your agent, a hang out with one of your German teammates.

But today, Moose was finally done.

You finished him a week and a half before the departure of the World Cup and you were in Canada with Jessie and her family. It would make it harder to travel all the way back to Germany and then to Australia but you didn’t care. All you wanted was to be girlfriends instead of rivals for as long as possible.

At the dinner table that night, you picked up your glass and straightened up.

"Um, I’m not big on words as you guys have seen by now but I wanna say a couple words," you said.

Jessie’s entire family put down their cutlery and looked up at you. "I’m terrified for this World Cup. Like… horrified. It’s been four years since I’ve played a major tournament so far from you, Jess. The olympics are in one city so we can visit but in Australia… we’re constantly going to be flying around. So… I made Moose," you said.

From under the table, you grabbed a bag and pulled out the knit animal. He had a red and white swear and big old antlers. Jessie’s mouth fell open and a large smile cracked her freckled face. "I’ve been making him for weeks, and he has like… five half knit siblings that went wrong if you want them," Jessie laughed loudly and extended her hand to take the crocheted animal. "Baby… it’s perfect oh my god," she said, smiling down at the animal. "Klara taught me how to make him. That’s why I was always out for an hour or so these past weeks," You said.

Jessie hugged the plushy to her chest and then put it beside her plate. The brunette stood up and walked to behind your chair, wrapping her arms around your neck and squeezing you.

Elysse took a quick picture as Jessie’s parents raved over your new talent.

Over the next couple weeks, Jessie was seen carrying Moose during press, in the bus, around the city, at training, everywhere. She always had Moose. And if she didn’t, she had entrusted Christine Sabrina, or anyone else on the clamer side to take care of the little mascot.

After Canadas 2-1 win over Ireland, Jessie was interviewed and eventually, the subject of Moose came up.

"Is that a moose?" the woman asked, looking down at the plushie tucked under Jessie’s arm. The camera followed the reporters eyes and then went back up to the Canadian. "Yeah it is," she laughed shyly, holding up the mascot. "Is there a story benne that? I mean it’s been showing up everywhere. "There is, yeah. My… uh my girlfriend made it for me. She’s at the world cup and her friend taught her how to make it for me. We won’t be seeing each other for a while depending on how the games go so she said she wanted me to have a piece of her. It’s cute, and I didn’t think she was this artsy so it caught me by surprise for sure," Jessie said, shyly and gently.

The reporter awed over Jessie’s story but the midfielders brain was just full of images of you. She missed you so much.

That night, she called you and the whole Canadian team joined the call behind the vice- captain, thanking you for the mascot.

[slaaverin]

To hell and back

This post is very difficult to make for me. This is not about BTS, or about fandom, but about mental health, and my personal story. I never really opened up about it anywhere except in a few facebook groups. But today is the day I decided to speak about my story.

It is surely more for me than for you.

Very few people in my friends and family can really understand what I have been going through, because it is a topic so complex that even I have trouble understanding it sometimes.

Well, firstly, I am schizophrenic. At least according to science. If you asked me though, it would be a different answer.

The truth is, I became spiritual again when I was 25, not long after discovering BTS. I took on a meditation practice and grew my consciousness very quickly.

Someday, I had an idea on how I would be able to help the collective, and I thought about becoming clairaudient (hearing the other side). So, I "hear voices". I followed my intuition on how to achieve this, and after some time it actually worked, I could hear.

So this ability to hear was totally consented on my part, I wanted this from the start.

But yeah, according to science, when you can hear anything, they put a schizophrenic label on you. I think it's mostly that they are in over their head with this kind of subject, and they simply don't understand everything enough to really be able to help anyone, except with medication.

Unfortunately, the universe is bigger and more nuanced than a label, so I never really got help from psychiatrists. I had to navigate through this on my own.

Everything was going fine at first, I was learning how to use this ability, and things were going well.

But someday, everything went to shit.

I won't go into that much details, I'll spare you, because it is pretty horrific. But long story short, I made a trip to "hell". Literally.

Of course, I myself do not believe in the christian hell. I've studied spirituality enough to understand it is not that literal, and there are many realms with different purposes.

But there are some dimensions that are close enough of what we would imagine hell to be like. And I have gone there.

I spent 2 weeks in 2 dimensions at once. In my physical body, but also in this dark dimension.

It's not really important to believe in this, or to argue whether it was real or not, because the thing is, my experience, impressions, feelings, all of it, were real to me. It felt real. It felt tangible. The mechanics does not matter, what matters is that I experienced it, and the trauma from it was real.

It was the most horrific, the darkest, the most twisted, so terrible that words cannot even give it justice. It is an experience that I felt somehow was a glitch in the matrix. Like we should not be able to experience something like this, it should not be allowed.

But it was. And no matter how much I cried for help, prayed all the gods, begged, no one came to save me. I could not sleep, did not eat, and barely functioned during those 2 weeks.

I felt left there, abandoned, alone, helpless, in total despair and horror, and with a pain that was so profound that I thought it would kill me. I was patiently waiting for death to take me, in how much my heart was broken into a million pieces.

I got annihilated entirely by the end. No emotions, no thoughts, no personality, no beliefs, nothing that made me me, was left.

I was gone, an empty shell. I had been entirely destroyed. A metaphorical death.

But something was left. A tiny flicker.

It was the light of my consciousness, my divine spark.

I understood then that even the worst darkness that exist would not be able to destroy my light, and that I was eternal.

So all of my fears vanished. I began clinging to that light and use a strength I didn't even know I posessed to crawl back from the pit of my own hell.

I had PTSD for years after this experience. And it was not truly over. I was still plagued by many interferences, trickster energies, evil things.

But over time, I healed, and brought back the pieces of myself that were scattered, and my psyche, even with PTSD, began to mend.

But now I had to learn how to play "the game". How to not get tricked, how to keep my internal balance despite being surrounded by nothing but darkness.

Some day the darkness put so much pressure on my being that I thought of ending my life. And that's not really like me, because I'm really pro-life.

But it's like I've been through some fucking intense internal military-like training, with no rest, with no pause, and no mercy. Ever.

It pushed me to my limits.

So of course I transformed. I became stronger mentally, I learned discernement, I took my power back, literally my entire being was totally refined.

I mastered "the game" of darkness, outsmarted them, mended every breach of my psyche, moved past all my fears, and my mind became as cutting and sharp as a knife. It took me years, but I learned the lesson. And I can say that darkness was my greatest teacher. The wisdom I gained, there is really no price for it. In the end I saved myself.

Today, I am good. I work very hard to keep my internal balance, to remain optimistic, to keep spreading love around me.

If you saw me you wouldn't tell I have any particularity lol

But to say this whole process has been hard is a understatement. It is SO FUCKING HARD like it's so hard and complex and layered that's it's really a bit ridiculous?

Sometimes I feel like I'm in a very bad movie, so I guess the universe and my higher self really have a weird sense of humour. But I laugh it off too because it's better than crying about it.

I know we are never alone, and that everything supports us, but the illusion that we are is really strong sometimes. Almost no one would be able to understand my experience, without having lived it, so I feel like I'm bearing this cross on my own.

But you know, all of this really puts things into perspective. The fact I have been in a place such as this, survived, and came back, makes every other little problems in life feel truly trivial.

I don't know what your faith is, it is not really important. What I learned in my studies is that most people who actually go to those places had things to learn, it's never "some punishement". It's clearly not because I deserved it.

But I did my share of learning indeed. Today I feel like I am a better version of myself thanks to this experience.

I believe it was for my highest benefit, because I can't reconcile senseless pain and hurt in my mind with a loving god. I know things aren't random.

It all began because I wanted to help. So in sharing my story, I want you to share a message of hope.

The deepest pain, the darkest fear, nothing that is abyssal and scary and any emotion you might feel, none of it will actually hurt you. You cannot be hurt. You cannot be destroyed by anything, ever. We just think that some emotions will kill us, so we avoid to feel them. We fear, so we flee.

If you actually embrace your fears, it won't kill you. It will liberate you. Nothing else will happen.

You know why we come to earth to have crazy experiences and we don't mind the trauma and the pain that come with it? Because our souls know that we are not taking any real risk in the first place.

Your light is deeper than the deepest fear, largest than the most painful hurt, and you are safe at all time, even if it doesn't feel like it.

So please, rest easy, don't take life so seriously, it's all going to be ok. We will all wake up from this dream someday and go back to love, and it will only be a memory, a blip in our eternity.

We are safe & loved.

I think I needed to get all this out of my chest.

(Please don't feel the need to psychoanalyze me or feed me religious doctrines, I had years to process and really understand the mechanics of everything that happened to me so far, but obviously I didn't want to turn this post into a million words so many aspects are left out.)

Thank you for reading my post and take care💜

[simplydnp]

hey there!

I kind of consider you the resident dnp expert (at least in dnp culture) so I wanted your opinion on a question that's been building for a while now.

What are the boundaries for dnp now?

There are so many things that I feel have changed even in the last four years: writing smutty rpf was Gross and Weird, along with art along that line, speculating about their relationship was ABSOLUTELY a no-go, all things that I see happening on Tumblr now. And I'm not saying that's a bad thing!! I'm just acknowledging things have changed over time. They're different people now and so are we, and the "we know you know" era is lots of fun.

I was browsing reddit today (bad idea, do not recommend) and came across a post from a new Phannie asking if DnP were in a relationship. And while I agree that we cannot say for absolute certain that they are, the responses had a VERY different vibe than on here, emphasizing how bad the speculation was (true) and essentially saying "don't even think about that, just enjoy their content." (or something to that extent.)

Which... is very different from this here website in which we joke about them being horney for each other constantly lmao.

Being a very rules-driven person, I like expectations to be made abundantly clear for pretty much everything. So that's why I want to ask: Is there a line here? Are we crossing that line? How defined is that line? (All of this, of course, I recognize is your opinion and yours alone, and if this is posted I encourage anyone else to share their two-cents in a respectful way.)

Obviously, trying to find out where they live/things like that is very clearly crossing a boundary. But is there some sort of limit or boundary I (and tbh the rest of the phandom), in your opinion, should be keeping in mind?

thanks xx

hi!

'resident expert' is a hefty title, i'm just here trying my best!

'what are the boundaries for dnp now?' is really a great question. cause the thing is, we used to know. there used to be a fairly well-defined and mostly agreed upon line, and ever since the dapg revival in particular, the line keeps moving.

i'll be honest, i never really saw phanfic as rpf, even though it is. my stance on phanfic is the same as dnps: it's a beautiful expression of art and creativity and is so, so important. they've always been pro-fic (even though we subjected them to some absolutely horrific crack fics), so i don't think 'smutty' fic has ever been gross or too far. they've given their blessing, and, as the conversation has been in fandom communities the last few years, rpf isn't 'for' the people in them, it's for the fans. so i digress.

art is much the same way. they love art! they even included art of them kissing in a tumblr tag video back in the day, so to say that's not allowed especially after they're out is kind of crazy to me.

i think the line with stuff like that was showing it directly to dnp--tagging them in explicit stuff, that kind of thing. but creating it? go for it! it's always been a green light. (i think fans have previously overpoliced this and we lost a lot of great fic, art, and community members over it)

browsing reddit is always a Choice. i've never participated on dnp reddit before but i am aware that it is an entirely different space than here. something that's important, i think (and i think you think this too as you're asking about them), is to respect the fandom rules of the place you partcipate in. tumblr is generally one of the most phan-positive places on the internet, especially publicly facing. we make a lot of relationship jokes, particularly because we run on the assumption it's already true, based on what they've both said publicly (mostly dan).

i won't comment on reddit specifically just because i'm not a part of the community there, but the speculation about dnp online was a Lot for a long time. but the worst part of it was the stalking, the digging into personal lives, the contacting family members--that is what was bad. dnp have always had a connection--and, honestly, they kind of love flexing it and kind of always have. they absolutely play into things now, but they certainly did even way before coming out too. i think a certain level of speculation was to be expected, especially in that era of online fandom. but it wasn't just the 'teenage girls' who cared, the media did too, and so did many others.

i think one of the biggest differences now is 1 the awareness of 'our' past and trying to make up for it, and 2 the broader societal conversations about parasocial relationships.

you see this reflected on the snippets ive seen from dnp reddit and dnp twitter. they tend to be Very 'cautious' about the words they say, often undercutting perfectly reasonable statements with 'but whatever their relationship is'. on one hand, they don't want to cross a line, and i can respect that. on the other hand... it's 2024 babes. they just put out merch of them holding hands. dan's directly, intentionally, and explicitly called phil a bottom on dapg. they reacted to all of the pinofs, made jokes about 'theyre touching', and even joked about the tackle being 'wrestling 👀'. dan posted half-naked catboy pics and showed us phil was taking them. the 'watch your step babygirl' tweet & their reactions to it. phil is credited in WAD. they're making threesome jokes about themselves as a unit. i could go on and on.

to me, there's a few things that have 'moved the line' for us, so to speak.

1 - DAPG returning. for the last few years they specifically were not a duo (for projects) anymore. (and no, not because they hated each other). they just weren't. they wanted to focus on their goals and projects. they didn't have to resurrect dapg, but they chose to. marketing and money aside, they knew that if this went over well, it would well and truly revive the 'dan and phil' brand again. it would be specifically returning to being a duo in the public eye. (however they've also fully embraced this in all aspects, including merch, videos, and general attitude)

2 - pinof reacts. even though they'd been out since 2019, we hadn't had regular joint content from them since before that, therefore, while they had become more comfortable with themselves and their 'outness', we hadn't (in terms of them making explicit gay jokes together). so i really think dnp had to de-fang a lot of the 'theyre touching' of it all, because we didn't really know where we stood on it anymore. i think they succeeded, too. we couldn't be here, with the content of the last 3 months, without them tackling it head on (well, as head on as they're want to do).

3 - dapc. genuinely another big shift. they did this for the real fans. purely a passion project, and a specific choice in doing the handhold. they know what we're like. and this wasn't a brief, unplanned, unscripted moment. it's a specifically blocked out scene. they know it's opening a door, and they chose to. this is doubled by the fucking iconic merch selling, and furthered by phil's twitter likes of arguably romantic phanart, and then dan's full straddle like.

even throughout the current 6 months of revival, the line has moved. i don't know where it will settle. dnp keep moving it, in my opinion, and, genuinely, i don't think it's going to leave much to the imagination. as you say, obviously not the stalking or the contacting, but beyond that? especially here on tumblr? i wouldn't get too worried. obviously people will have their opinions, but as long as you're generally respectful and recognize that humans will see your posts and humans interact with them, i think you're good.

my rule of thumb is anything they intentionally put on the table, we can joke about or at the same level. but in terms of art/fic? go off, live your dreams. dan and phil would want you to.

[kneelingshadowsalome]

Would you mind talking more about Ghost? I dig your interpretation on him so i'm curious if you'd share your thoughts; since i know how COD in general writes these characters and we know romance isn't on the table for them, ESP for someone like Ghost (even confimred by his voice actor too!)

So all that aside, in your opinion, what would it take to win Ghost's heart (or well, Simon's)? :)

It's great to hear you like my interpretation of Ghost! I'll gladly share my thoughts on this, the supposed love life of Simon Riley is one of my favorite subjects 🧐

Thoughts on what would it take to win Simon's heart under the cut ->

To be honest I see it highly unlikely that Ghost would date. I think Samuel Roukin's opinion on this matter was spot on. Simon's traumatic background, trust issues, the need to stay anonymous and his profession as a special ops soldier is just too heavy a combo. His family's murder and multiple betrayals have pushed him on a path of extreme independence and made him evade any kind of attachment.

That being said... I'm a hopeless romantic and love to imagine scenarios just like every other little simp here 🩷💋, and I've pictured (and occasionally written) him to be drawn to someone who is principally the opposite of himself, but who also has a dash of angst in their heart and firsthand experience or at least some basic understanding of complex trauma.

A positive vibes only/sunshine type of person would not resonate well with his darkness, and a carefree joker would only annoy him. Then again, there's Soap – but the thing with John MacTavish is that he shares the same profession and in that way, is not a stranger to the Underworld. Their banter is also evidence enough that Soap is not afraid of Ghost's madness and even looks up to him – actually a perfect way to make someone like Ghost enjoy your company. This man has a terrible praise kink but he can't stand spineless bootlickers. So the adoration should happen in a "I trust you and would follow you to hell & back" kind of way.

However, due to the shit he's been through, I'd say (contrary to popular headcanon, I dunno?) that Simon would likely fall for someone outside the military world. First of all, he's very uncomfortable with the fact that his partner has to fear for his safety. But the fear of losing his partner to the dangers of this profession would be a little too much. It would only trigger a shitload of PTSD stuff. The fear of losing a loved one again would override the mutual experience and bonding through warfare, all the elements which otherwise might be pull factors in a military love interest. On the other hand, people with traumatic backgrounds tend to repeat the pattern, no matter how horrific or unsafe, simply because it's familiar. Still, I'd say someone from the base personnel would be a more alluring option for him. The shared hell, so to say, could make the foundations of this relationship quite dark. Not that it's necessarily a bad thing!

Deep down, Simon would be attracted to softness. Not innocence, per se, just something different from the realm in which he operates. This is why I think he could definitely fall for "a normie". He would appreciate dark humor and a certain kind of fearlessness, however. What ultimately would win his heart is someone who can stand, even cherish, his melancholy and cynicism and life choices and who is not on a quest to change or "fix" him.

I think Simon's ultimate wish is to find a home because he has lost it (or hasn't really had one in the first place). He's a leader and has to provide safety and support on a daily basis to the people under his command. But who offers support and safety to him? He knows how to protect people but doesn't know how to create a safe space, so he would appreciate someone who makes him feel he's finally found his way home. I think he yearns for a small measure of peace and a slice of normal life to wash away the adrenaline and blood and filth, he wants a small corner free from the demons that haunt him, even if he would reluctantly (if ever) admit that he does.

[bwat5-blog]

Another Look at Jinx

**Spoilers for all of Arcane**

*Disclaimer- Jinx is an immensely complicated character with mental health playing a big part of who she is. I am in no way a mental health professional, or in any sense qualified to speak to a condition she may or may not be dealing with, or how that should be handled. I am just a huge fan of the show discussing one of its best and most interesting people*

So, why talk about Jinx? She has been lauded as many peoples favorite character, she is the subject of a titanic amount of fan art, fan fiction and so on. Her death (clearly alive but not the point) in the moment devastated the entire fan base to a degree not seen since the Red Wedding. If you have seen anything else I've written about, I am primarily focusing on some of the most fantastic bits of this story that it really seems like people are misinterpreting or missing. For this one, I am referring to what I can only think to call the "Smol-beanification" of Jinx.

Now let me start by saying this. I am NOT judging anyone for loving this character for any reason. Because while I believe all of the things I am about to cover are being underappreciated and undervalued, if you love this character because she is funny and cute and witty, and you like her music and her blue hair and her attitude, THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT. MY concern is that this fan-base swung really wide into crazy town after Act 3. So I am championing an understanding of just what a gift we were given with this show.

As far as I'm concerned there are 4 topics that need exploration regarding this character:

Powder's childhood leading to birth of Jinx

Relationship to Silco and its impact

Relationship to Vi and its impact

Journey to self-acceptance as Jinx

Powder's Childhood, and the birth of Jinx:

When we first meet Powder she is with her sister on the unification bridge, witnessing the fighting that claimed her birth parents lives. This is a horrific situation that really sets the tone from the beginning and lets us know these kids DO NOT have it easy.

It doesn't take away from the hardships of every day life in the undercity. But, being taken in by Vander gives her and Vi a chance at a peaceful life for a short time and we see how she flourished:

She is immensely clever building various gadgets and being noted as the one who fixes their shooting range.

Has a loving relationship with Vi and looks up to her.

Is loyal and wants to fight for her family.

We do also see a hint at the trauma lurking in her. When Vi (after being lectured on her responsibility to keep Powder safe, and seeing how dangerous the people who took Vander really are) tells powder to stay home she has a severe panic attack. Given everything this poor child has been through I don't blame her. But it is important to note the seeds are already planted for what's to come. Clearly demonstrating her terror at being left by herself and losing her loved ones.

The End of Powder-

We all know what happens here so I won't point-by-point it. But the primary event here is the death of Milo, Clagger, Vander and as far as Powder knows, Vi (after they have the heartbreaking confrontation over Vander's body). In a matter of seconds this terrified, wounded little girl goes from thinking she saved her family to having lost everyone, and believing her sister blames her (Not Vi's fault either but I'm here for Powder/Jinx this time, see my Vi post if you care) for it as well as later believing her sister to be dead. Her fear of being left behind and all alone is violently and brutally made real in the worst way. Until Silco comes. He kneels down over a broken, terrified, angry Powder, and leaves with Jinx.

Relationship with Silco and its impact:

Where a life with Vander offered Powder a brief few years of piece, a life with other side of the coin (Silco) takes the frightened child in Power and breaks her down until all that's left is Jinx. Violence, revenge and intimidation take the place of Love, support and peace. Now, it should be said, I believe Silco loves Jinx as a daughter in the best way he knows how. But he himself is a broken man (touched on this in another post). And his role in Jinx's life is not to her benefit:

Takes her guilt, rage, fear and pain and instead of trying to help her heal, he teaches her to weaponize it

Promised Felicia to make a better Zaun for her children, and was fully prepared to murder them both.

Despite knowing her immense guilt over the loss of her family, upon learning Vi is in fact alive, he lies to Jinx about it, and immediately moves to try and kill Vi or at least discredit her. Someone pointed out on another of my posts that this is probably due to his fear of losing Jinx himself which I believe.

Years of being raised as his daughter leave her manic, violent, hallucinating and out of control. She kills several enforcers leading to renewed hostilities from Piltover, almost kills Vi and Caitlyn more than once, almost kills Echo and herself, kills Silco, and Kills 3 piltover council members moments from Zaun achieving independence, and making the dreams of her birth parents, Vander and even Silco himself real.

During the events of her "Dinner Party" Silco aggressively tries to get her to Kill Vi and Caitlyn, denying Vi's attempts to help Jinx reclaim who she was.

In season 2, Jinx even admits that her head has been much quieter since he died. He only appears to her twice, briefly when Isha is taken, and again when Isha is killed. Both times at her lowest points. As far as I am concerned, Silco made Jinx out of the broken and volatile pieces of Powder, unable to understand how he'd harmed her.

Relationship with Vi and its impact:

Vi and Jinx's relationship is the driving force of the show to me when it comes to the most human aspect of the story. Strip away all the grand disasters, the hex tech, the war, and at is base most raw this show is telling us the story of two sisters driven apart by the darkness of their world until they fight their way back to one another. I have an entire post pertaining to peoples wild and baseless accusations of Vi's character so I will spare you all that tangent again and keep it to my thoughts regarding how Vi and Jinx's relationship impacts her:

Many people attribute Vi's lashing out at Powder as children for the creation of Jinx. This is simplistic and false in terms of it "creating Jinx" but it does matter. That event leads Vi to struggle with the guilt of that incident, focusing on finding Powder and making things right during her terrible years in Stillwater. Therefore when she finds Jinx in the world it is much more difficult for her to see the truth of how her sister has changed and that conflict continues to fracture Jinx's mind as well as their relationship for a time.

Jinx has already been struggling and suffering from the loss of her family, self hate for what she has done, and the feeling of having lost everyone. So when she gets Vi back we see the first thing she feels is worry and shame over who she has become. Then when things go badly and Vi chooses Caitlyn over her (not actually this simple but Jinx is not well) Her conflict and loss go through the roof. "I thought you could love me like you used to.. even though I'm different".

The entire Dinner Party is a war for Jinx's soul it seems. Jinx tries to make it out like its all Vi's choice. She blames Vi for making Jinx but says all she has to do is "Make Caitlyn Go Away" and Vi can "Have Powder Back". But of course.. its not that simple. As Powder would never do something like this. Powder has been gone a long time but this conflict raging in Jinx pushes her until finally she does something she can't take back and attacks the council chamber

Jinx's journey to self acceptance:

Season two sees the breaking of "Jinx" as we know her and the re-forging of her after the long brutal journey to allow herself to move forward. In the beginning she has given up. She wants to die. She doesn't care. She wants to watch it all burn and no longer sees the point. Then little by little, reasons to live start to creep back in and she starts to reclaim her will through brutal trials and heartbreak and victory.

Isha- Isha is undoubtedly the driving factor in Jinx's salvation. Even though her story ends in tragedy little by little she brings joy and a sense of responsibility into Jinx's life impacting all areas. Even though its to protect Jinx from Vi Isha is the reason both fights between the sisters end before they go too far. She also give Jinx a sense of what Vi felt and went through caring for a younger girl (sadly probably including realizing why Vi left her at home all those years ago when Isha dies), and she shows Vi that Jinx really is changing. That manic, aggressive uncontrolled violence is being tempered and restrained.

Vander- The reveal of Warwick/Vander (while being a twist most of us saw coming) was another huge device in terms of Jinx's redemption. It is because of her discovery of Vander that Jinx makes the first move in reuniting with Vi (which also saves Vi from her downward spiral).And their mission to save Vander however ill-fated, brings Vi and Jinx together for the first time since Vi got out of prison and met the person her sister had become. You see in that moment at the end of "Blisters and Bedrock" she is truly terrified that by getting Vi to trust her she has killed her, only to be beckoned by her older sister into a hug because she.. Jinx.. has reunited their family.

Vi- The sisters could not start off the season in more opposite camps. Vi is after Jinx to end her life for what she has done, and Jinx intends the same for Vi after seeing her in uniform. But is only through their reconnection and learning to trust each-other again that they both really start to heal and move forward. Vi completely believes in Jinx by the end which Jinx even says aloud in her prison cell. Even though its at her lowest point and she is leaving to end her life Jinx realizes and tells Vi that Vi deserves to be happy. She deserves to know love and peace with Caitlyn and stop feeling guilty. Think about and compare that to Jinx from season 1, blaming Vi and telling her if she will kill Caitlyn she can have powder back.

Caitlyn- the connection between Caitlyn and Jinx is not being discussed enough. They are linked. They both lose their parents, they are both taken in by an older, cleverer surrogate who weaponizes their grief and pain, they are both warped into something darker and more violent than they started, and they both have to learn to walk away, to break the cycle and stop hating.

Finally, after almost ending her life and being brought around by Echo Jinx, fully realized, fully accepting of herself leads the undercity in saving the day. After so much hostility and pain she tells Vi they will always be together (side note- pain and tears) and in the end, appears to sacrifice herself for the older sister she knew would never give up on her, smiling and at peace.

Conclusion- I am sorry yall. I know this is so long. Jinx is an immensely complex character who goes through so much. But I hope I communicated my feeling that she is worthy of so much more appreciation than as the "Silly little funny crazy girl". She starts life as a child in a world of trauma and pain, and even though she is broken down and remade, does terrible things and causes so much pain, through the interactions with those who love and those who hate her, and through her own realizations, and pain, and struggle, she ends the schism in her soul and finds the road to make a life for herself, away from the pain and darkness of who she was before.

[italianbabydaddy]

hey there! question: do u think lulu had a gf at any point? it seems so odd that nothing has come out as of yet of him having one? and i don’t mean like a girl coming out and saying they were bf/gf but i mean like even in photos? i can’t imagine someone like him not having a gf like at least in college?

Hi, fren!

I’m sure, like someone myself who’s become disgustingly eager in learning everything about Luigi—from before the incident and now in the current state of things now, you’ve been wondering the same thing. Especially with how so many of us have been swooning and damn near have fallen in love with the guy over this past month.

I’m not gonna lie, upon the first few days that his name was in the news and more information was coming out about him, you couldn’t presumably not assume and stereotype about the kind of life he’s had: white, Italian, conventionally attractive, evidently socially outgoing personality, intelligent, successful Ivy League education, wealthy family, etc., And of course, with the parasocial infatuation growing as time has gone on, we all wish he was ours, but we also don’t want to think he has been with somebody, as we see in our minds that there is a sense of mutual feeling and want to believe it by knowing he’s experienced relationships. I mean, look at the collective response over that apparent Polaroid of him supposedly kissing that girl. My first reaction was that my Christmas was ruined because of it. (It’s been speculated that it’s fake, so I’m not going to say it’s confirmed.)

However, after reading up on a bunch of things throughout spaces like here and Reddit (the Free L thread, particularly) and diving into really the little bit of information we know about him, I wouldn’t be horrifically surprised if he never has had a girlfriend. And I will explain why:

I’m going to use myself as an example. I’m 23 years old, and admittedly, I’ve never had a boyfriend/significant other. I’ve never even been on a date, no less, had my first kiss nor found myself having true romantic crushes—but once I have a chance with Luigi, everything will change. Anyway. The best answer that I can give you as to why this is happened is because, in all honesty, I’ve never had much of an inkling for dating/romance in my life and there really hasn’t been a time and place where it’s just come along in my life so far. When I tell people this, a lot of them are in disbelief, and argue that since I’m an attractive person to them subjectively, that I have a great personality, and the mystery of that who wouldn’t want to be with me romantically is dumbfounding.

Now, I’ll briefly mention that I’ve wondered if I’m aromantic, but that’s another story, and then there’s times where I don’t think I am, as here I am now, feening down BAD for some Italian Ivy League frat boy from Maryland that I don’t even know and who allegedly shot a CEO and now I am affectionately considering him as my man from a parasocial view?

Maybe, the time for me to be a relationship hasn’t come yet, that is, if it ever will. I’ve just never had the dire urge to seek out romance, despite being in social spaces and environments where I could interact and potentially meet someone (similar to Luigi with Greek life, school, work, etc.,). However, I will affirm strongly that nobody could ever tell me that I have not lead a meaningful life because I’ve never dated anybody; maybe instead, my understanding of a meaningful life varies across other people’s understandings, but I can tell you, with certainty, on my behalf that my life is still meaningful and one worthwhile even if I’ve never dated somebody. I can proudly state that I enjoy my life as a single person.

That being said, I understand where you’re coming from when you say how you can’t imagine someone like him—a 26-year-old conventionally attractive, outgoing, sociable, smart grown man—not ever having a girlfriend while at least in college, as he attended an all-boys high school. It’s based in a phenomenon that we’ve been sort of conditioned to go along with, known as amatonormativity, which leads to the assumption that everyone desires romantic love and that not experiencing it means something is wrong with you, making it hard for people to understand or accept that someone might not feel or have experienced romantic attraction at all. In a sense, there is societal pressure to be in romantic relationships, heterosexual or not. And when somebody doesn’t conform to that pressure, we’re shell-shocked; we are even more bamboolzed to try and actualize this news when we hear about a person that we consider romantically attractive and suitable ourselves that has not been in a relationship.

Now, before I go any further, I am not saying that Luigi is aromantic and/or asexual nor am I alleging it. Perhaps, maybe Luigi has dated someone in the past, but for some reason, we just haven’t seen any photographic evidence of him and a girlfriend for the reason being that maybe she wants to protect their privacy, the general fear/apprehension of having association with his name in the news currently, or whatever the case may be—if there is a case pointing to this. Maybe he’s never dated really at all, but he just has had casual sexual relationships that weren’t significant to either person on an emotional connection.

Or, maybe, he’s never dated at all. I say maybe in each of these scenarios because we really don’t know the truth, and we won’t know until it is known. The only way that I could even conceivably come up with an answer for the last theory it’s because of what he values and considers important in his life, and how he chooses to pursues things in life. This takes me back to his concern about agency that he discussed with Gurwinder Bhogal, and the conversations they had about the lack of free will that Luigi noticed while on his trip to Japan this year. In short, perhaps Luigi has never dated because of all the other things that he has done in his life that makes his life great for him—traveling, reading, playing chess, surfing—and that he’s never found an outstanding reason to ever consider dating since there never really has been a time yet for it happen, for whatever chance may be. He may be just focused more on his career and individuality, and doesn’t have the urge to dive further into that route.

As a whole, to answer your question: I’m not sure if he’s ever had a girlfriend at any point. Would I like to know? Sure, why not. But will we ever know? I’m not so sure. It’s a whole another investigation in understanding this Luigi Lore that we may never get to know completely.

p.s. I did NOT mean to make this into an essay, I’ve just become enraptured when talking about him and it definitely shows. I’m open to hear anybody’s else thoughts on this!!!!

[imbuedebauchery]

While I love to see everyone so excited about Isha,

especially where it concerns the potential for Jinx's healing, I'm shocked to see a lack of concern for the child and what she means to the story as a whole.

Arcane has always been about cycles of violence, about how people become doomed by violence to uphold systems of violence. It has always shown us this through children. Arcane is fundamentally built on the trauma of children and how that trauma becomes an inescapable vortex.

Vi would not be Vi if she was not extremely young when her parents died. She would not base her entire sense of self and worth around protecting others - she would not consider herself fundamentally wrong and reprehensible for failing to protect her charge, Powder - if not for the way this identity was cemented into her youth. The Enforcers took everything from her. The whole point of her story is how she negotiates (terribly) with all these moving parts - pieces that were presented to her through the vulnerable and fractured lens of being a literal child.

Same with Jinx. Let's not forget what her trauma looked like. Where Vi was forced to be an adult right from the beginning of her life, Jinx never got to grow up. She was forever trapped by her nightmares and hallucinations, unable to process her emotions like an adult. We know how this ended. (Terribly.)

The sister cities are at war. The sisters are at war. They were subjected to ruthless violence and isolating practices throughout their youth. One of the fundamental scenes from S1, E1 is the baroque-invoking montage of Vi, Mylo and Claggor fighting the other kids while Powder sat and watched, horrified. This could very well have been one of the worst, ugliest displays of close-up violence Powder was subjected to in her youth.

Why is it okay that this happens to Isha?

Maybe "okay" is the wrong word. I'm not accusing people of condoning or celebrating any kind of violence involving children, not by any means.

My question is: why are we cheering so loud for Jinx to be reverse-adopted by this child when their first encounter is after a lethal gunfight? Jinx shows her a ruthless display of unthinking, uncaring violence. She has become the undercity embodied with all her chaos and destructive tendencies. Isha was an evader - she ran from the danger. She was a survivor, not a killer. But the moment she is shown someone who cares about her in the same motion that she shows her how the undercity really works, she associated that care with that violence.

Did Isha know what it meant to put herself in Vi's way? Yes or no both bring their own problems. Yes, she understands death and what it means to kill people, and would participate in that act - would either be killed by Vi, or pull the trigger on her - to keep her new source of care safe. No, she has no idea what she's doing, and is blindly acting on love and attachment alone.

This was the question that would have followed Silco and Powder all throughout Powder's upbringing.

Yes, Jinx will be given opportunities to see herself, to see Powder in Isha, and to try and make things better for Isha and thereby address her own childhood trauma. But it's already off to a horrific start. Jinx is ultimately powerless to change how the undercity works (we'll see if she unites it! But likely won't change it), and cannot afford to show anything other than express and expert violence to those she loves. There was another post that talked about how the three girls, Isha, Jinx, and Sevika, communicate in body language and grunts and don't need words to communicate anything - yes. because their communication is based in beating the shit out of people. This makes them good fighters, not good at fixing issues or approaching trauma. They will simply continue to try and solve their problems and become a family in the only way they are familiar with: through killing others.

Another child is simply being roped into the way of things. Another child is being put at risk. Another child will grow up and show other children that violence is what keeps the world chugging along.

Whether or not Isha dies, something tragic will befall her. Something that will provide her with an irreversible fork in the road. She will either die, and Jinx will see that this is what her system, her city, does to people. That this is what she is permanently cursed to do to people. Or Isha lives, and faces something traumatic. Jinx realizes that this is what happens to children in the undercity, and is hopeless to affect any kind of change.

Or... Isha lives. She suffers the moment of extreme horror that will change her forever, and has no coping mechanisms, but saw enough lost love in Jinx that she is able to piece together a way to continue in this world without resorting to violence. She finds a way to address that trauma without unleashing it back on the world.

I'd like to think, knowing how Fortiche will be more than aware of the themes of childhood in this series, that Isha will live. Introducing a child this late in the game - a universal symbol of hope for the future in any given fiction - presents them with the opportunity to express how things can change. Maybe our wretched adult freaks are doomed, but maybe... maybe there's a chance. Maybe not everything is absolutely hopeless.

If they kill her? There is no shred of hope in the rest of this series. I'm sure of it. Literally nothing good will come out of any other plotline in S2 if Isha dies. She is the canary, and oh boy, we're going down deep into the mine with S2.

Why must a child suffer for Jinx to learn? I think this is the ultimate question that comes out of seeing the excitement for the new trio family. Why do we have to rope a literal child into a murder duet so that Jinx might be able to see her own traumas in a different lens?

There's something about the doom of children to systemic violence that just makes me weepy every time. Rewatching S1 E1 had me in tears almost every minute. Knowing that these kids, these children, were participating in practices that would doom them. Knowing that the adults we see at the end of S1 and where we are in S2 are direct and inevitable products of their youth. Kids that deserved love and safety, and were instead handed war and weapons. And we're watching it again in real time! And cheering about it????

I had to ramble about this because I just haven't seen anything on it - and maybe I'm wrong, maybe it just hasn't crossed my feed, maybe everyone is acutely aware of this as a base-level of knowledge and I just didn't get the memo. But I'll share my thoughts anyway.

[amtskind]

why was gregor samsa unbothered?

recently, someone on reddit asked the question "why does gregor seem unbothered by his transformation into a vermin, and instead thinks about trivial problems". i tried myself on my interpretation of said fact, and decided to post my answer here as well:

to some degree the insect-metaphor is not to take literally, as it often happens in literature. think of kafka's original wish, not to print any insects on the book's cover.

first, let's establish the samsas' life: gregor is the family's only financial income after his father failed his own business and had many debts to pay off, so all the samsas are depended on him. some may even argue, they exploit him, since the whole family is fully able to work (as seen after his transformation) and yet decides to make gregor work for him all alone. we don't know, if gregor does realize that, if he denies it for the sake of his sanity - or if he really doesn't notice. he thinks positively about his family.

gregor carries a lot of responsibility, he doesn't want to fail, because he cares for his family.

but other than work and family, gregor's life is incredibly limited. no friends mentioned, no love-interest in sight (but the desire referenced through the picture of a woman in his room).

his transformation into a vermin with bug-like features could be a metaphor for an incident, that made him unable to work and fall into isolation (like an illness). as gregor was almost a farm-animal in the literal sense before, he now lost all his use, making him useless and an "unnecessary burden".

try to picture the scenario, that you wake up - for example, without your limbs or without your speech. you may freak out or feel alienated by yourself, but in the first place you will miss your former life - your routine - your "use in society", as harsh as it sounds.

gregor's indifference towards his "new form" shows, that living as a "bug" per se isn't that hard. he hopes, people would accept that, just as he does. but society - in this case his family and colleagues, don't. they despise him, hide him, isolate him, just like some people do with those, who they view as deviant or useless.

gregor could have adapted to his new life, if his family let him - but the samsas didn't - and the hierarchy turned, the family grew and moved, but without gregor. and when gregor accepted, that he will never live his life "nomally" again (not necessarily as a human, but simply enjoying the same things as he did before - like his family's company), he crawls in the corner to die. in some altruistic act, to not be a burden to his family anymore. kafka shows us, how vile and fatal isolation is.

the insect-metaphor as a whole paints the picture, how unlivable gregor's life was already. his exploitation via. work isolates him from the outer life and he is unhappy about it. but as always, gregor tries to deny it, maybe for his own comfort - to at least think, this life is worth living. but despite everything, deep down he knows he is full of sorrow and stress. his transformation was the final mirror to his life, that pulled him (or moreso the reader, as gregor still hangs onto hope for the bettering and love for his family) out of the disillusioned view, that things were normal.

gregor clinges onto his routine, his past - oh so "happy" life and general altruism - and as always, puts himself last, not minding his horrific state.

in the end: what could he have done anyway? the protagonists of kafka are a subject to an enigmatic, unknown rule or power, which they don't question any further. sometimes, you aren't in control of your life. "it is what it is."

[zhaohuis-lost-walnut]

Suffering in QJJ

[vague spoilers idk]

I saw a post the other day and I've been thinking about it a lot. It was literally one sentence in a multi paragraph post but it lingers in my mind none the less. Someone shared their opinion that sometimes they feel QJJ wallows in the sorrows and pain of its characters. As someone who likes media that delves into dark themes, their take really stuck with me because, in a way, I disagree.

The narrative definitely isn't shy about giving the sadder parts of character's lives a spot light, but it's never felt "edgy" to me. It's always felt very purposeful to me. I know the victimization of women is a touchy subject for a lot of people, but it's also realistic given the setting and the types of psychopaths in positions of power. But what I think makes me hesitant to slap the "fridging" sticker on QJJ is it has multiple female characters literally address, fight within, or against the patriarchal society they live in.

None of the suffering any of the characters go through is taken lightly. Concubine Wei's murder is graphic, yes, but is clearly depicted as being horrific. Li Jianheng trembles as he asks if Xiao Chiye was behind it because even he's freaked out by it (which could also be a nod to Li Jianheng's past but I won't get into that just yet). Her death was cruel and ruthless; but once it's revealed who actually did it, it further shows how far that character is willing to go for their goals. Her death directly mirrors the perpetrator's characterization. And while, yes, this could be seen as a woman dying for the sake a man's development, her murder has greater implications for the entire narrative at hand. Her death isn't simply swept under the rug, but is acknowledged and scrutinized for the how it impacts many different people. From the beginning, Concubine Wei was a political pawn, but originally one for another woman! What?! The empress dowager was simply using her to get her hands on another puppet heir. Concubine Wei's fate was sealed from the beginning, which isn't me taking it lightly, but just that it doesn't feel like a case of "fridging" to me.

There are a couple chapters that discuss what happens to the women who get trafficked if they manage to escape; and while calling it a "hard read" is an understatement, it shows that the narrative clearly takes this problem seriously. The story doesn't flippantly use women's suffering as a simple plot device or shock value: It is depicted very realistically and is intrinsic to the story because of the happenings of their world. The narrative explains why the trafficking started, how it was able to fester to the point it is at present, and the different ways multiple forces tried to appease the issue. But what's most important to me is that the narrative doesn't diminish the victims to only being victims, but instead focuses on how the things these trafficked people went through affected them.

As for the various character's back stories, while a lot of them are painful to read, I also appreciate the depth it gives them. Now I WILL talk about Li Jianheng's past (but only a little). I had to put the book down for a bit after chapter 62 because it really recontextualized how I saw Li Jianyun and Li Jianheng's relationship. There are multiple characters that have been neglected by their families, but Li Jianheng's neglect shows that he was literally never given a chance to excel.

Throughout the narrative Li Jianheng is presented as this carefree good for nothing. But what his past shows us is that he wasn't given the tools to develop meaningfully for most of his formative years. And when he was finally "given the opportunity", he had been beaten down so much that he couldn't handle the struggle of learning, so he ran away. But his "laziness" just "proved" his family's suspicion and they stopped trying, completely giving up on him.

His past makes his attempts to learn from Hai Liangyi all the more powerful and inspiring to me. But it also serves as an incredible foil to Shen Zechuan. Shen Wei did everything in his power to make sure Shen Zechuan got little to no mental stimulation, and yet Shen Zechuan still craved knowledge. He would sneak out to listen to his brother's school and taught himself how to read a little bit. Honestly, their pasts are hauntingly similar. But the main difference is that practically any attention Li Jianheng got was negative attention, while Shen Zechuan got no attention at all. Li Jianheng believed the cruel things the people around said about him. While Shen Wei's hatred was clear, Shen Zechuan was left to his own devices and didn't have a cacophony of eunuchs making fun or him every single day.

Every character backstory gives us insight as to why they are the way that they are (as they should lol). Mu Ru's backstory makes it understandable how she could never allow herself to truly trust Li Jianheng, no matter how sincere his love is. Many characters have been taken advantage of and have various flavors of "I will never be under someone else's control again" and act as follows.

I know such sensitive subject matter can be uncomfortable for most people, and I will never fault someone for finding discomfort in it's precense. However, I do think it's important to recognize when such heavy topics are being explored in a genuine manner. I don't have a step by step blue print on "the right way" to discuss these things, but in my opinion, I don't get the vibe that the pain and suffering the characters go through is "wallowing" in it, but rather acknowledging and confronting it.

We see the consequences of characters' selfish actions. And we also see how those on the receiving end sometimes are given, take, or forge the opportunity to rise out of the ashes. And even those who couldn't, many of their deaths carry weight in one way or another.

None of the crazy stuff that happens to these characters feels forced to me. Whether it's presenting how evil a character can be or showing how resilient a character is, all of it feels meaningful to the story and taken seriously.

Once again, this is just my opinion and you can, of course, have your own interpretation. I really love this story and having read other books where the "dark content" is literally just torture p***. I don't think QJJ is that. Dark? Yes. But not violence for the sake of violence. Not suffering for the sake of suffering. I think QJJ is a good faith exploration of how these things effect people and the different ways they go about reforming the corrupt world around them. And bonus points cause they find love on the way <3

[sentientsky]

On Crowley, the Starmaker, and the Disruption of Intergenerational Violence

(based on this post from @nightgoodomens) I started thinking about Crowley and the Starmaker and the way in which he's an engineer at heart. But then I started gathering screencaps and making gifs and stuff, and then I was thinking about how Crowley's doing a really good job of upsetting patterns of intergenerational trauma. (Of course I'm going to talk about childhood stuff, what did you expect from me??) CONTENT WARNING: this will involve discussions of childhood trauma and abuse (not explicit)

I'll be using they/them pronouns to refer to the Starmaker and he/him pronouns for Crowley. This is for no other reason than to help me differentiate in my own writing lol.

To preface, the Starmaker is so so important to me. You have no idea; they are my beloved, my everything, my most adored.

I mean, look them. What a fucking cutie (i accidently/subconsciously picked up the habit of nose-scrunching because of this goofy little cosmic Bob the Builder)

They're also an engineer, a creator of worlds—someone who spins matter and existence into being.

Their desire to create, to make things happen is carried throughout the story.

(e.g., Crowley's rainstorm) He maintains a love for the universe and all the stars in the sky.

So what does this have to do with intergenerational trauma? Well, as we've discussed time and time again, Crowley is deeply deeply traumatized by both the violence of Heaven and of Hell. Trauma, much like the worst fucking family heirloom ever, has the capacity to be passed down through the years. Let's get more specific. What is intergenerational trauma?

(source)

(source) For example, my grandfather has a horrific temper and lashes out as a way to cope with his emotions. In turn, my father learned that being abusive towards one's children was acceptable, and applied it to his parenting of me.

In this case, Crowley was abandoned and actively forced into, "a million-light-year freestyle dive into a pool of boiling sulphur" by God—someone who is functionally his parent. In Hell, he was subject to torture and other forms of cruelty. Unsurprisingly, that leaves a fucking massive mark on an individual. It would be very easy for him to simply replicate the patterns that he learned in his time as the Starmaker and turn cold/callous/cruel. And yet he doesn't do this. As mentioned here, he is kind and compassionate. He sticks around through continual rejections, despite having only known abandonment. He answers questions (invites them even). At the same time, the trauma hasn't had a nonzero effect on him, of course. He's redirected the violence into compulsive caretaking and a kind of need to prove himself, among many other things (totally not speaking from experience here. no siree!! *sweating*). Let's take a closer look at this (because I want to and you're stuck with me hehe): Questions As we saw in season 1, Crowley cites asking questions as the reason for his Fall (an idea which we see reiterated in season 2):

Instead of replicating that same violence (by belittling, rejecting, or else lashing out at those who ask questions), we see him encouraging curiosity. Not only is this evident within the Starmaker,

but also in Crowley himself, as we see with both Muriel and Jimbriel:

Along the same lines, as he's been subject to a great deal of unkindness (understatement of the year), it would be easy for him to carry that cruelty forward (god knows my family has taken that route before. who said that!!!). Nevertheless, he remains kind, even to those who have hurt him (which isn't to say that you need to be or even should be kind to those who abuse you. abuser apologists are not a thing in this household). Kindness even in the face of mistreatment + anger Gabriel, as Crowley has mentioned, has the capacity to smite Crowley. He has actively tried to kill the love of his life. The mere presence of Gabriel in the bookshop triggers a fight or flight response in Crowley, and this disruption represents a violation of the safety of the bookshop that he and Aziraphale had established within the past however many years (see Alex's fantastic meta post for more detail regarding the bookshop becoming an unsafe space for Crowley: x)

ignore my cursor. just pretend its a fly. shh shhh it's beez just being a silly lil guy (gn). i'm too tired to remake this gif, so this is what we're working with lol

(AND THEN HE OFFERS HIM A HOT CHOCOLATE?!?!?!! couldn't be me) Case Study: The Plants (shoutout to @sighed-the-snake for their post about leaf spots) Even with regards to his plants, we see a widely different side of him beginning in the second season. In the first season, we witness him using the plants as a site of displacement/projection, in which he reenacts the violence he himself was subject to.

However, in the second season, while we don't get a lengthy view of them, episode four gives us a quick glimpse into how this approach might have altered in the four years since.

(please keep in mind that my vision is absolute dogshit, so apologies if you look at my little circles and go "what the actual fuck is she talking about?" i TRIED, okay????) Had this been the first season, these little guys wouldn't have been permitted to exist in the state they're shown here. We could argue, oh well, it's just because Crowley's been busy/distracted with other things. And while that may be the case, we've seen him preoccupied with the end of the world in season 1, and yet still exert control over the plants.

...I have no solid conclusion for this, as I'm still sick and my brain is like a bowl of stagnant dishwater at the moment. I'm not putting forth any new ideas or anything, so I guess this is all to say, "yay for cycle breakers!".

[mingos]

*crawls out of the ground like a mole, coughing up copious amounts of dirt*

so, hello.

    i try to keep things as vague & light as possible when referencing my homelife because, honestly, the last time i brought up anything tangentially related i was essentially told “you being upset is making other people upset and ruining the fun” so being anything other than ✨chaotic positivity gremlin wilder ✨ here makes me paranoid, hence why i’ll just disappear for weeks sometimes. 

but. 

i’ve clearly been gone for a bit, will probably be gone for a bit longer, and since i’ve been getting messages from folks wanting to check in on me i wanna give a more detailed update than usual. i feel guilty for not responding directly, but for reasons i can’t get detailed on other than “the idea of having a conversation with 99.9% of people right now is terrifying” (is this what being nonverbal is, chat?) with even the .1% being a super recent development, a queue post into the void is my solution.

i won’t get that detailed, but if light references to domestic abuse, addiction, or just family issues in general are hard subjects for you - nothing past this paragraph is too pertinent anyway, so don’t worry about having to stop. all you gotta know is that some Bad Stuff with family happened, but i’m safe & i’ll be back in maybe another week or something. 

anyways. i was living out of hotels for about 3 weeks. 

more like 16-17 days if you want to get technical because 4 of those days i had an actual scheduled hotel for my twin’s wedding at the end of august - but i’ve basically been bouncing around since august 21st. the night of the 20th, i had a horrific fight with my family member and, for the first time ever, i left. don’t know if would call it brave on my part - since we were leaving for a trip anyway, this is just the first time my suitcase was already packed.

right now, i’ve been at another relative’s house since the 11th. i tried to go back on the 1st because, even after years of this, i’m apparently way too easy to convince everything is going to be fine…  but by the 2nd i was out of there again. 

currently mulling over my next move here because, as much as the common sense answer is to stay away, anybody who’s unfortunate enough to deal with this knows how complicated it is. i’m scared for this person’s safety as much as i am for my own. no one else really checks on them, and i’ve already had to deal with several medical emergencies they’ve had like bad falls & breathing problems. i don’t like leaving them alone for long because the guilt at the thought of something bad happening to them and no one knowing for possibly days or weeks eats me up.

i logically know i’ll have to get past that eventually because i can’t let my life be dictated by this incredibly toxic cycle forever or i’ll never be happy, but now isn’t the time. they also have a dog who would similarly be put at risk if something happened to them, so it’s a lot for me to worry about.

but, having said all that, we’re currently in the apology stage or i guess the negotiation stage because, after the shit that happened this time, i’m making it perfectly clear i’m not stepping foot in that house until they do something. detox, treatment, rehab, disulfiram, soberlink, therapy – something. we’re kind of running out of things for them to try at this point, but at least they used to try. they haven’t really been doing that this past year and I’m the one suffering the most because of it.

so yeah, that’s where things are at the moment. i’m mentally not doing so hot - but I’ve got my dog, and being able to sleep in a bed i’m familiar with for a change and not a hotel (I spent so much money on hotels, guys i’m cooked) is nice relief while I wait out whatever the hell is happening. talking to them over the phone again pretty much drains any of the energy I’ve got back, but it sounds like they’re starting to "get it' so hopefully they’ll start to take this seriously again because I can really only take one more year of this (if even) until I just need to accept these things aren’t my responsibility and move on.

honestly, having a close-knit group of friends/support system for the first time in years has really reminded me of that and given me the confidence to take a lot of steps to live for myself for a change, and to think about prioritizing my own happiness for once, which wasn’t the place i was in at this time last year, or the year before that, or the year before that - so I just want to say thank you again to anyone whose ever helped talk me through something or really just been nice to me at all. this is why i always remember to be kind because it can genuinely do a lot for someone going through something, because i know it has for me.

anyway uhhhhh i hope you are all doing well, and with any luck i’ll be chilling on here by the start of october. can’t miss spooky month and this insufferable pink bird’s birthday, after all.

much love.

[crimeronan]

hey what is wwaitsoatl?

oh! it's what we are is the sum of a thousand lies, my most popular toh fic by FAR and the thing most toh people here started following me for. back before i got sucked down the princess luz hyperfixation rabbit hole. it's a fic that takes more work to write than any of my others because it has an incredibly involved drafting & editing process. bc i am a perfectionist.

the premise is a canon divergent timeline wherein belos suspects that hunter lied to him at the end of hunting palismen. and completely wrecks hunter's shit forever. and infects him with curse goop in the process. and darius (who, Very Importantly, does not yet have a friendly rapport with hunter) trips over the kid's half-dead body.

and freaks.

and kidnaps hunter n takes him to the owl house. bc that's the one surefire place of refuge on the isles.

there are a bunch of emotional threads, hence why it's novel-length and not even finished yet despite being about just four characters chilling in a house together.

mainly it's about:

hunter unraveling his cognitive dissonance and cult brainwashing in an AU where he doesn't have all of hollow mind's answers; his feelings are Incredibly complicated and messy & he gets incredibly mean and snarly about it

darius grappling with the fact that his own grief and resentment blinded him to a kid who Very Much Needed Him, darius dealing with the fact that actually he never DID grieve his mentor or his mentor's dead family

darius and hunter developing a rapport in a timeline where hunter very much has Not broken out of all the cop shit that darius disdains So Much. so darius is so fucking exasperated and tired all the time

eda trying desperately to help hunter learn to live with a curse / chronic pain / chronic illness, while having very little faith in herself to begin with

luz feeling Horrifically guilty about hunter's curse and injuries, bc she thinks she should have clocked the abuse and brought him home with her or otherwise stopped it

hunter developing an almost immediate and pathological emotional attachment to luz because of her kindness, which complicates all of his complicated feelings WAAAAAY MORE

eda, darius, AND luz all desperately trying to get hunter to admit that he's been abused and that what happened wasn't his fault. you would not believe how fucking long it takes.

i'm actually really, really, Really proud of it -- it's rare for one of a writer's best works to be their most popular, but this genuinely is one of mine. if not my best work, period. there's a lot of nuance and messiness and emotional complexity and grief and arguing that i'm SO happy with.

also, despite the subject matter, it's often extremely lighthearted. some of the funniest dialogue i've ever written is strewn throughout all these serious emotional threads.

i'd apologize for how long this response is but this story is a heart project and has 67,000 published words on ao3 so far. (the chapter i'm writing rn will likely be another ~8,000 words, then there are a couple more chapters to come.) so there's a lot to say!!

it's my most popular ao3 fic for any fandom, ever, in the 12 years i've been on the site. the response has been WILD. if you sort by kudos, it's the 31st most favorited owl house fic Of All Time, the 7th most popular fic involving darius, and the 5TH most popular hunter & luz relationship fic. again, of all time. which is. insane.

people have been very kind and patient with me having been too sick to work on it for a while. there was a seven-month break between chapters 8 and 9, and if i finish chapter ten soon then there'll have been a nine-month break between chapters 9 and 10. so i don't know how many people are actually going to come back to read it, a lot of ppl have moved on from the fandom and such. but i'm extremely extremely extremely grateful to everyone who's given it a look!