#stupid broken body
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I think if I could scream without my throat closing up I would feel better.
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Quick update; was in hospital today. One chest xray and blood test later, all clear. So just my broken brain forgetting to tell my lungs to breathe 😅
#me myself and i#at least nothing fell off this time#stupid broken body#don't care#yes my grammar is wrong
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It’s so embarrassing and heartbreaking being in so much pain over losing someone while knowing they don’t give a fuck if you live or die. Your favorite person becoming a stranger is a special kind of hell.
#I fucking hate having bpd#while I’m at it I don’t understand the fuckin audacity some people have to say they love you and do horrible things to you#I feel so stupid#I feel so stupid for believing all the lies#but I was so in love and put him on such a pedestal that I just allowed it all.#thinking about someone constantly and grieving over them and knowing they’re perfectly fine and to them you don’t exist#I’m still in such a state of grief and I don’t understand why time hasn’t healed#it honestly feels like it’s gotten worse w time#I just torture myself but I can’t help it my brain wants me dead#it’s so painful I feel so fucking stupid#being abandoned with no closure by someone who’s your entire world#for someone they were unfaithful to you with multiple times (I don’t even know how many and dony want to know) immediately#like that was the plan all along#he took our cat hundreds of miles away and I don’t even know if he still has her or if she’s still alive and I miss her every day#I never loved someone like that and it feels like the heartbreak is actually physically killing me#i spent 1/5 of my entire life with him#I was my prettiest and had the best body at the time and I wasted it on someone who didn’t appreciate me#not wasted. it wasn’t wasted. we had some incredible times together#I’ll never be that beautiful again#and now idk what do so bc i can’t decide which is worse: being alone and isolating or loving deeply and ending up horribly hurt all over#it’s all just so upsetting.#and I feel so stupid for allowing it all#he knows more about me than anyone and he made me feel like he loved me so much sometimes and then did horrid things and it’s so fucked up#nobody read this I’m so embarrassed and horribly broken#it traumatized me so much there was so much abuse and pain idk if I’ll ever recover#I deserved it but it still hurts my heart#I was so mentally ill and sick I know it had to have been miserable to be around me#there are so many things only he understands and knows about me and I need to talk about them I j wanna b able to b there 4 each other#but that girl is so beyond insecure and controlling so. if I want to talk to who fuckin gets me I’m just fucked#why lead someone on like that for years knowing you’re going to abandon them the second it’s convenient
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I know it's fiction but it makes absolutely no sense for the batfam not to have any significant (visible) scars/disabilities at all. They get beat up nightly for years on end. They leap over buildings all the time, they've never fucked up their knee? Knees are so easy to fuck up and difficult to fix. Dick is an acrobat, they have notoriously bad joint health and at his age he shouldnt be able to pull off half the shit he does. Absolutely ridiculous they have no scars or brain damage. THEY DONT WEAR HEAD PROTECTION OF ANY KIND. They're getting punched in the face, thrown off of buildings etc etc ALL THE TIME. No brain damage?? No CTE??? Not even missing teeth?? Give me a fucking break.
#honestly im sure its mostly bc of the weird insistence that Only Villains Can Have Scars#which is. so stupid.#i have beef w most fighters in media bc they NEVER HAVE HEAD PROTECTIONZ#despite the fact that your skull is so important & also a major target for any opponent#like even barring the obvious protection from. yknow. brain damage. did Bruce never get cps calls bc his kids always have black eyes#and broken noses?#being an athlete/gymnast from a young age FUCKS UP your body. ig id just like to see an acknowledgement of that#well jason wears a helmet but ig he learned from his mistakes. lol#also why i like dukes helmet (training arc one not. wtv he has now.)#ig the cowl MIGHT count as head gear. but robins dont get shit huh.#dc#batfam#dc comics#jason todd#duke thomas#dick grayson#damian wayne
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so since Cage is the theme for your profile, I wanna know what your thoughts on the Cage herself are
hmm well i chose cage as the account's theme because i want to be her. i want to be broken's beloved so so so badly. but i'm not a 50' feet deity nor can i wear my own flesh as a dress nor can i fuse myself with the wilds. and sure my body can't drag my severed head around in a cage either but she's the normalest and arguably the most romantic princess he shares a route with. cannot count the amount of times i've rewatched the broken-cage route and swooned. i am living vicariously through her.
but of course i like her seperate from being broken's no.1 simp lmao. infact, back when the pristine cut originally came out, i thought cage was my favorite princess after tower/apotheosis (who is at the top since she makes me froth at the mouth). after further consideration, razor definitely takes that top slot, but it's novel i felt that strongly about her.
it would be difficult for me to rank any of them past apo/razor because i like all of them, albeit some i like as characters but don't resonate much with their tradgegies (damsel) and others i'm obsessed with them as thematic pieces but their actual character falls flat (witch). fortunately cage hits both cool girl and prime whump material!
prisoner didn't initially pique my interest, but cage developed her character in a way that utterly captivated me. her quiet acceptance to her fate, especially when combined with the "you deserver this" cabin intro from p&ad just hits so hard. the princess will always be denied the one thing she desires, and seeing one dutifully assumes her role hurts. just makes breaking the cycle with her feel so earned, y'know? seeing her soften up and make the occasional joke feels amazing given how much harsh princess rightfully never wants to show an ounce of vulnerability.
tl;dr she's great. now let me into your body, woman
(also she's very figure it out -core by orla gartland and i love orla i'm going to shill for her please listen to her she's very cheatedcore to me aswell)
#voice of the yapppeeeer#mmm i'll probably finish some ask game stuff done before answering any new asks#if you've been in my inbox thus far outside of the ask game just assume i plan to draw smth for you whenever that may be#and god i need to write a cage/broken fic one day#i have this really stupid outline where cage's body tries to wingman for her and she's trying to get it to stop without losing her facade#(whispering) body where are you going- body get back here- body WHERE DID YOU GET THAT RING#♡. letters sent
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the selective amnesia of marvel writers when it comes to major comic events makes me so insane. not only has tony been on a team with miles (all-new, all-different avengers, 2015), and has been a mentor figure to him since he crossed over from the ultimates universe (ultimate end, 2015), they somehow conveniently forgot that tony stark died in civil war II to protect miles. MILES. the kid he’s calling “newbie” and is somehow not one of his top favorite spider-people.
why is tony treating miles like they’ve never met when he went to war against carol and was punched into a coma to protect miles from being arrested for a crime he didn’t commit???? like mama let’s research before we start writing these comics
anyway yeah miles is one of tony stark’s favourite spider-people in the multiverse HE WAS WILLING TO DIE TO PROTECT HIM
#tony stark#miles morales#miles morales: spider man#saw this after lurking around on your twitter lara#and ppl were posting other great panels but i was like hold on#where's miles holding tony's collapsed body in the la pieta pose#i am literally a broken record about cwII because i refuse to let it go#ive become that person who always brings up cw(II) at every given opportunity#but i also think that if marvel chooses to hoist these stupid fucking events on us without thinking#about the long-term ramifications and storytelling effects#then i should be able to harp on this whenever i want#@#type: text#type: comics#universe: 616#comic event: civil war II#comic: civil war II#ft: miles morales#character: tony stark#dynamic: tony & miles#also ziglar pulled top 5 completely out of his ass#can you even NAME those top 5 people ??? i'll wait !
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it does still make me insane that people think tony's death was so sad but think nothing of natasha's but also like both deaths were soooooooo unnecessary and i'm like how do you think it was poignant or whatever how tony died when it was so fucking stupid because SO MANY OTHER PEOPLE could have been the one wielding the gauntlet and not gotten killed about it skjdfkjs i just hate it all sm
#and i cannot get started on the dumb fucking kneeling scene or everyone being at that funeral#like not even a funeral for EVERYONE lost as a consequence of the snap and everything that followed#but just for tony when half the people in attendance either did not like him or didn't even KNOW him like#you are blinded into thinking this is all iconic and brilliant and showstopping TO THIS DAY five years after that movie#instead of realizing the majority of that movie has zero emotional significance#sorry i saw a list of saddest character deaths with tony and i was just like no it was stupid and didn't need to be like that#AND ALSO NAT'S IS WORSE#that we're still supposed to believe she has to fucking atone or something#after over a goddamn decade as an avenger LIKE SHE SAVED THE WORLD ENOUGH THANKS#but no let's just kill her and show her sexy broken body sprawled just like gamora's <33333 i hate men#and they really just acted like oh well this other version of gamora can replace her it's fine#they both deserved so much better man#anti endgame
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WHY DOES THE JOB MARKET SUCK SO BADDDDDDDD
#going on indeed and ziprecruiter like ohhhh okay so the only jobs are ones where your body is broken for shit pay and no benefits#OR you can have a stupid bullshit nothing job that sucks your soul out but at least has benefits. awesome!#and the majority of my job experience is in a field i’ve come to despise sooooooo maybe i’m just cooked
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I'M TIRED AND I HATE IT.
#i wish i could go to bed but i have to do my stupid little exercises for my stupid broken body#not that sleep ever helps anyway!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Me: finally, I am conscious and my arthritis is calm enough to finish my painting today!
*picks up glass of water.*
That shooting pain that zaps through my neck, shoulders, chest and back randomly for no reason:
#chronic pain#chronic fatigue#chronic illness#ehlers danlos zebra#fibro#CFS#arthritis#Why do I have such a stupid broken body#artists with chronic pain#eds
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Does anyone understand how to organize. Like how to make it work. Like how to keep spaces clean and your body clean? Does anyone know how to fight back the ever stronger rip tide of filth and clutter that takes over them? Also I'm sleepy.
#i barely have any belongings here and i still live in a fucking mess#i can barely work on my computer because the files are so disorganized. i think im just too stupid to have a good job#and like not to be one of those but i was in gifted. like the implication here was that i would beable to like. bare minimum make it.#and im nooooooooottttttt im not maaakiiiiiinnnnggg ittttt. im runing out of optionnnnnnnsssss#maybe ill just move back to the US and load boxes for fed ex again#but that also ended in my living space becoming almost unlivable#i like. i do t get how people do all these things and no body like can seem to fucking tell me why its so fucking impossible for me D:#like i TRY i really do fucking try. i dont understand. it makes me want to just fucking kill my self no joke. like i no matter what i do i#cant keep a space clean. i cant keep anything nice i break everything i touch and i fail everything i try because something Bout me is just#broken! and bobidy fucking cares! i dont want to be like this. i want to have plants and i wanna smell nice and i want my room to be pretty#and not have fucking bigs all the time#i dont understand i feel like im some fucking avatar for the filth magnusarchives style likw everything about me is dirty#i rot everything i touch. i#legit crying now lol. i just want to be able to be a human. i dont feel like a human. humans care about their environment they can keep#spaces clean. human organize naturally. why am i not human like that?
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I really need friends I can talk to about my ocs but I don't and also I don't even know what I'd say but I think if I had friends to talk about it with I'd learn how to talk about my ocs
#tide of consciousness#This is the only place I do it and I barely do it even to start with#God my problem is I do not talk enough at all and there's too many words in my brain and body and it's killing all my cells#Augh the fucking yearning is back I need to kill it with hammers#I want to say something like I miss when I had friends I talked about it with but hardly have ever or maybe never#And not for lack of friends it's my own fault because I never talk bc someone convinced me that no one cares#I DON'T TALK!!! I DON'T TALK ABOUT ANYTHING#This is the only place with people that I even begin to touch on the things I would want to talk about#And I don't ever actually say anything much despite all these posts#And it's never TO someone. It's close enough to human interaction that it feels like I'm accomplishing something#But even if people see it there's no one really there. No one talks back. I never say anything much anyway#I feel so broken and stupid all the time
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work related nightmare again woohoo
#i guess my boss has left a lasting impression on my brain the way she unknowingly triggers all my trauma#just by being the way she is. awesome#also damn these cramps why does my whole body hurt so bad??? i didn't do anything strenuous at work#at least nothing more than usual why does everything hurt so bad#and why do my muscles seize up so horribly and randomly#stupid broken body lol
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Stupid period vent
If youre a cis man; kiss a uterous haver on the forehead today
Cus fuck this feels like a mental parasite
#:(#i hate getting my period :(#im so emotional#fuck a stupid tiktok has me hyperventalating over hpw i miss my mom and i was 4 again#my dad doesnt come home for another 3 hrs......#i need a hug so badly i wanna call him and ask him to come home but i shouldnt#.....fuck i think i might need to#i hate that i was literally fine until that stupid tiktok....#have you guys seen the cat Mao cartoons on tiktok? i always get sucked and forget theyre always emotional#this one was about a mom cat and a kitten and the mom cat died#i hate my mom and think she did horrendous things to me i shouldnt be screaming how much i miss her#fuck.#i dont wanna keep growing up and watching everyone die or leave#fuck im spiraling so bad#the safe thing might be to call my dad but i really really shouldnt make him leave work#i can never do the right thing im so fucking broken#i really need a hug and a joint#if i dont message you back im ok: i just feel very uncontrollable rn#going back n forth between anger and heartbreak#ALL OF THIS OVER A FUCKING TIKTOK#im so fucking stupid..#ill be okay i just hate being alone when im thinking about my mom/dark stuff#im not even sewerslidal im just extreamly emotional and its scaring me#if im not ok by 3pm ill call my dad#i feel nothing one minute and then i feel everything and rinse repeat#i just hate that i get triggered so easily#i already feel a lil calmer im just tired n need a hug#i know that im safe my body just physically does not feel safe#so im like trapped in my head#but if my dad was here hed be able to pull me out
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im in so much fucking pain yall
#hate my stupid fucking broken body#please i dont want to be in pain anymore#jesus fucking christ i dont want to be in pain anymore#going to od on pain meds brb#lol jk#i just want the pain to fucking STOP
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#shutup sensitive#i know its the case#but i wonder in moments like this#do other people feel like me#i feel like a shell of a person like the body of a person but not the being#and the being i am is like vehemently unlikeable or says things that other beings can’t understand but its like i look like them i act like#them so why dont they understand me#i feel like i understand me very well and i understand others even better than i do myself but why doesnt anyone understand me#ive been in mania for a few days and i recognize it but it really is the worst i cant even reveal in it i dont like this#my desires are so strong right now but are they actually mine or just this other addition of my selves#and if i think long on my desires rn theyre not even real but theyre so strong lol theyre so stupid though why do i need to do something#irrational why cant i just be satisfied per usual#how do i fix it how do i fix it#(time fixes it this ive learned but time is also not a friend of mine)#(i feel like time likes to toy with me and makes broken promises to me that take forever to arrive and im expecting them to not be broken so#i wait and i wait but the time just drags out and then when change arrives its like haha NOT what you wanted! i hate time)#i want to hold the hands of all the hysterical folk in my bloodline i want all the loonies to haunt me and keep me company bc i know what#they felt and i feel for them not having the knowledge and explanations for their feelings like i have and i mourn for them#thanks for passing down the brain worms to me my beloved ancestors im glad i function like you and like nobody else#anyways im pretty sure i need a phat hug#big phat arms wrapped around me and someone to pet my head#so when i get home this is what i will receive but its hours from now#and me and that old time demon :)
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