#(time fixes it this ive learned but time is also not a friend of mine)

[qqqqqqqqqqq0]

i've been having some trouble falling asleep lately

[sensitivedead]

.

[juni-ravenhall]

updated these since the old ones were from 2020. not much is different, erased with white a bunch of options to make it easier to look at for me, changed some minor numbers that dont rly matter bc its not that easy to put those numbers down anyway.

some talk thats mostly about their relation to me and stuff about me instead of stuff about them below ⬇ (actually i should fill one of those out for me myself too. that could be fun)

i adjusted junis brother a bit focusing on just how hes like at the moment of having been rescued to jorvik, rather than thinking about his potential "real personality" if he was able to heal and become a more developed person instead of just full of trauma. i do want to eventually do something with the concept of what if he healed, or what if he hadnt been abandoned in pandoria to begin with? if hes intj like me (his behaviour is based on how i am when im completely broken down, which sadly has happened a lot in my life) then what would it be like to see him healthy and happy? its stuff id like to think about more eventually

also filled in that juni is enfj. back then i wasnt so sure what parts of her were different than me, over time i developed it and she really clearly became enfj. we both share high Ni aka my dominant function as intj but her dom Fe plays into the whole constantly being in contact w ppl thing - im also very caring and loyal, and i genuinely want to save everyone on earth and want everyone to be healthy and happy. i want society to be fixed (and ive got the ideas) and i want ppl to be kind and loving to each other. me and juni share that. but for me, i cant really handle talking to normies much bc their reality is just too different than mine. juni has no problem socialising with anyone, even if she ofc also has ppl shes the closest to and others who she might not get along with as much, its still easy for her bc Fe just has that harmonising feelings thing with others that i dont have (and being a dominant extrovert function, and not being ND, shes also not as exhausted by socialisation).

for me with low Fi i just dont really get much out of socialising for socialisations sake. its part of why i cant handle being on discord servers and stuff like that. i dont "vibe" with people in that way, i want to actually have interesting and intimate conversations and learn more about my friends, their backstory, their problems (can i help them?), their deep and genuine feelings (not stemming from copying others and peer pressure, group-think is extremely irrelevant to me and i dont view people differently if theyre supposedly in-group or out-group - im interested in everyone as an individual). for my whole life ive just been too different and for many reasons not been part of normie's society, so its just really alien to talk to normies. (as in, the abuse and isolation, the disability, the ptsd and depression, the queerness, and also just being intj, not really having a normal brain. i often wonder if the ppl who say bad things about mbti - besides the obvious "job and school mbti use is bad" yeah it is - have known what its like to just not be able to relate to almost anyone around you ever when it comes to personality. even online, even in a nerdy group, even in a place with ND people, even with queer people, even with disabled people, youre still different. you still cant relate. for me, finding out that im just a weird personality type was really important, and then i was able to study other ppl's personality types and now i actually get why people behave the way they do and why society functions the way it does for better or worse. which is a great thing to understand imo. the "omg mbti bad bc jobs and school and the tests are dumb" is one thing, but studying the functions and really truly diving into how other people function and how theyre different from you and how you all work and how the human history of the world has happened, is beautiful to me.)

as a low Fi person, with a focus on 1-on-1 connection rather than groups, i focus on talking intensely to the beloved weirdos on my computer, or posting my rambles and reading you guys rambles in return. u guys prob dont even realise, but for a lot of u, i remember like... u posting about ur job or school one time. what u posted about that u wanted to do or what ur upset about. i think about what ur ocs symbolise, why u write them that way, what part of ur personality and your lived experience, your feelings, makes u project this or that on characters. i think that a lot of ppl treat social media as a more shallow and "a drop in the ocean" type of thing, but for me, even ppl ive not talked to much on my dash, if youve been my mutual for some time, i think about you and remember things about you. if you post music i listen to it both to see if i might like the song but also bc im interested in what you like. i like learning things about people around me, the same way i like learning things about the world in general and spend obscene amounts of time studying and analysing the world both in its current and past. its an intj thing because its about my dominant Ni function, which loves analysing patterns and taking in information to process. but i dont mean that in a cold way, its an intimacy and friendship to me to learn things about you and understand you. not to "vibe" but to really know someone and see the puzzle pieces of their life. im very much about all the puzzle pieces that makes you You. im not saying its wrong to vibe and chill instead of analysing your mutuals like puzzles, just that this is something thats very different from how i am, and its been hard for me in life to relate to the way most people are.

idk if anyones reading this but some of you also prob noticed that i will pop out of nowhere and talk to you about some random thing you posted thats interesting to me, or send you a message of support if youre going through hard times. i remember when you posted that you were really sad and i notice that youre having a hard time when you post that youre sad again a month later. idk, its hard for me because im not always very emotional in a way that other people understand. i can come off as cold or quiet which in turn can come off as disinterested. but i just wanted to write it somewhere, to put out into the cosmos, that actually i care a lot about the little creatures on my dashboard and i hope that you notice even if my personality and behaviour is a bit different than what people are used to. people project mean things on me sometimes because im confident, for example, or because i stand up against things i think are harmful. because im not "loyal" if i tell a friend that theyre being rude, or im "rude" if im saying capitalism is bad. i can be projected as controlling (telling people "no" when theyre mean) or self-important (being confident in my skills and analysis) and other negative traits which is really unfair to do to someone just bc theyre different. to me i view everyone equally and i will tell off a friend if i have to, without meaning anything unkind by it. idk. ill stop rambling now bc its too much again (high Te will also do that) but i just have feelings and thoughts about that my beloved mutuals dont even know that theyre beloved and that my way of expressing myself is weird and its hard to live in society based around ppl who are very different than me in many ways. but learning mbti / jung functions was really great for me to feel understood and to understand others.

[writingquestionsanswered]

Fan-Fiction: Worried About Copycatting

Anonymous asked: A few months ago i stumbled upon a fanfic, from an author i never read before, and it was very similar to a concept i had in the same type of au all purely by coincidence. Since they posted their finished work first and had way better execution i decided to scrap mine to not seem disrespectful. However ive been bothered by all of this way more than what a sane person should, and now im paranoid about my own works and the inspirations feeding them, fearing to be seen like a bootleg or to be accused of copying. In this case my questions are: what is common fic and general writing etiquette regarding inspirations, tributes and similarities ? At which point should one ask for permission or give credits ? And, what recommendations do you have to get rid of that "copycat paranoia" ? Thanks a lot for your time btw c:

When it comes to writing fan-fiction, you've got hundreds of writers from one fandom all inspired by the same source material, so you are bound to see a lot of similar stories. This is especially true when it comes to stories seeking to fill gaps in canon, fix canon wrongs, or explore obvious premises. But similarities abound in fiction, even in original fiction.

If I told you I was reading a story about a human who meets someone special, learns they're a vampire, and discovers their small town has a supernatural underworld, I could be talking about The Vampire Diaries, Twilight, Glass Houses, Dead Until Dark, or any number of other vampire love stories. None of these authors "copied" any of the other authors. It's an obvious, basic concept, and anyone is free to write it. And since they all share a similar premise, there are bound to be other similar elements, too, such as a small town setting, other supernatural beings besides vampires, the human protagonist turning into a vampire or other supernatural being, ancient supernatural beings as villains... Again, this isn't "copying." These are tropes of the genre and elements that go hand-in-hand with the premise.

So, you really have to keep in mind the difference between basic elements that are fairly obvious given the premise/source material, and things that are actually unique to a specific story. So, the human finding out their best friend was secretly supernatural all along--a pretty obvious element given the premise. The human turning out to be the doppelganger of an ancient supernatural being, as is their vampire love interest--that's pretty unique to The Vampire Diaries, and the odds of coming up with that idea without being knowingly or unknowingly influenced by TVD is very, very slim. It would be an incredible coincidence. So, when you think something is similar, odds are it's not something unique but rather an element or trope that is obvious given the premise (and/or source material for fan-fiction.)

Hopefully, understanding the difference between basic / obvious elements and really specific/unique ones will help diminish any paranoia you might feel about being thought of as a copycat.

As far as etiquette with fan-fiction, you don't have to worry about apologizing for or asking permission for those kinds of obvious or minor similarities. They happen. All fan-fiction readers and writers know it. No one is going to accuse you of copying if you write a fan-fiction story where Bonnie and Damon get together even though there are 40 others exploring that same idea. But if someone else writes a story about Bonnie and Damon going on an Alaskan cruise together where they get involved with a dangerous coven of witches and have to fight their way out, and you also write a story about Bonnie and Damon going on an Alaskan cruise and getting involved with a dangerous coven of witches... that's a problem. Because you know and I know you probably didn't completely unknowingly come up with the exact same totally unique and unexpected premise as someone else.

And if you want to riff off someone else's story, write a fan-fic of their fan-fic, expand on it somehow, take it in a different direction, whatever, proper etiquette dictates that you must ask for permission. If they give you permission, they will probably ask you to credit them for the inspiration and link back to their story, which you absolutely should if they ask. If they say 'no,' don't answer, or you don't ask, don't write the story. Figure out something else to do.

Similarities vs Plagiarism Taking Inspiration from Another Story’s Premise Afraid of Plagiarism Accusation

I hope that reassures you. :)

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[nightmare-dreamt]

Hello! If you have the time can I get a matchup please? For twst, mha and hq!! Thank you❤️ I'll try to keep it brief to save your poor eyes from straining too much 😂

physical: im a tall bean hehe, about 6 ft tall and curvy! I have curly long hair to the middle of my back and cat eyes. (I don't really care about height so someone shorter is okay with me, so long as they are okay with my height too ☺️)

personality: im the funny friend but also the mom friend lol. Everyone comes to me for advice and to have a good time. I can be a bit bashful but nothing a bit of ice breaking cant fix. I'm extremely affectionate and love to love lol also i can be a bit playful!

hobbies: im into art, particularly digital , sculpting and painting. I really like singing!

likes: i like relaxing and peaceful atmospheres. As much as i like to have a good time with my friends, i really enjoy coming home at the end of the day and relaxing/winding down

Thank you again- ive been reading through all the matchups you did so far so im excited for mine! Have a great day 😊

Matchup for Anon!

Twisted Wonderland: Ruggie Bucchi

From the looks of it, you guys have similar personalities that range from being cheerful and a little mischievous/playful. From my point of view, I think people who have similar personalities tend to be more connected and share more interests with each other having a stronger relationship.

During the weekends when the two of you aren't in the mood to do much or interact with people, a day of relaxing is what you both need. You guys remain in bed, still in your pajamas watching some new movie while cuddling close with each other. When you fall asleep on him, all he'll do is watch your sleeping form, softly breathing with your eyes fluttering closed.

Mha: Momo Yaoyoruzo

You guys had similar friend groups and both were marked as the mom friends, always being there for the group and each other when needing advice or some help: When Momo doesn't know when to do something and can't make a decision for herself, she'll come to you for help. When she gets nervous as well, one trip to your dorm immediately makes all of her nerves go away.

Affection isn't something she thinks is important in a relationship, but it is something she would like to be in one. From hugging to holding hands, she is fine with all of it as long as it doesn't get in the way of her studies. On four guys day off, she'll take the two of you out to the town and the two of you will walk around holding hands or standing close to each other, embracing the others warmth.

She is a big fan of creativity, especially art. When she sees art she is immediately invested wanting to know everything about it. Art is definitely a passion of hers enjoying all sorts of pieces even the ones that are painted or drawn.

Haikyuu: Nishinoya Yuu

At first, he was jealous of your tall demeanor but within time he learned to get along with you and love your height, thinking that it was super cool. He's definitely one of those guys who grabs a chair just to be the same height or even taller than his partner. One time, the two of you were at an amusement park when he was stopped in line for a roller coaster to be asked if you were riding with him just like they ask little kids who are too short to ride some of the rides. He was embarrassed after that.

The two of you are always joking or playing around with each other, either teasing the other person or making a joke that you guys thought was funny. There have been a couple of scoldings when the two of you were off class, but your laughter was always hard to keep in and always seemed to find a way out when around him.

[huckleberryblossom]

hey can i ask for a tutorial or guide on how to draw a cat body? i've been struggling for days

just to get it out of the way since anyone you ask is going to say this, references are your best friend and will make this a lot easier

a friend of mine shared this site which has lots of good references, not just for cats but lots of things. if im looking for something specific, i usually google something like "cat curled up" and just scroll for a while or use multiple references to get what i want.

but as for how I draw a cat body, i use references but honestly a lot of what i do is a result of just having spent so long studying references (and how other artists drew them! sometimes studying what artists are doing can help you translate realism into whatever style you're going for) that i kind of just know where certain bones go/how the muscles would stretch or contract

this is how i tend to visualize the body at its most basic. the parts i highlighted are the pieces i use to ground the anatomy: the shoulder, the haunch, the elbow, the ankle, the paws, and the skull. their shape tends to change very little from pose to pose, which is why i exaggerate/define them so strongly. they're usually what i sketch first and use to get the pose the way i want it. everything else is stretchy and fluid to "connect" these pieces of the body.

here's an example of the parts using a photo from that site i linked

and the way it looks without the ref, vers what i drew by looking at the ref!

these are pretty standard walking/standing poses, but the idea works for more complex poses.

i havent really said much about it, because most of what i draw are refs, and they dont really have dramatic poses or difficult perspective, but its up to you to decide how much anatomy you're willing to sacrifice to get a more fluid motion, or a dramatic shot. i think this is where those guiding "pieces" of the body is helpful for me, because i can lay down those pieces and then do what i need to to connect them, so i may lose a little bit of exaggeration but the body doesn't look broken.

you can see that in action here, with this anniversary piece i did. my first sketch was only meant to get down expression, pose, and movement (i changed raven's completely, lmfao) and unfortunately i dont have anything for the steps inbetween because i think i refined on one layer. but i kept the vibe the same even after cleaning up the sketch and fixing the anatomy issues.

fur is one of the last things i draw when i draw cats. i like to get the body shape and movement down first, and then cover it with fur if i have to. i think this ref is a pretty good example of that

on the left is how i start most of my drawings, getting the pose down and everything where i want it. i make edits to this until i like the body shape (notice how the belly is much larger, and all of the limbs are thicker + the paws are big) then i use that sketch as guiding lines for all of the fur placement. the fur here ends up covering nearly all of the body, but it still looks fine because the anatomy was there to start with

i hope this helps anon skjfdhfkgjh ive never made a tutorial like this before. there's definitely better ones out there by other wc artists, but i dont have links to those posts on hand, maybe some of my followers can link them? good luck to you!! ill leave you with one last piece of advice you'll also hear a lot: just keep drawing! we all improve with time and practice, and are always learning and trying new things.

[cherry-casino]

1! quite a few, actually. therian, copinglink, fictionkin, fictionhearted, fictionheir (do those count?), and a possible kin (not sure if its kin or therian yet)

2! (in no specific order)

brown tabby american shorthair cat (therian)

orange tabby norwegian forest cat (therian)

white lily cookie (fictionkin)

angel (copinglink)

the list of fictionheirs is far too long, but the main ones are tails and affogato cookie (weird combo, ik)

possible snow leopard kin/therian

3! i get shifts quite often! not like, lots, but a decent amount. my main shifts are sensory shifts and phantom shifts, but mental shifts arent that uncommon for me either :)

an i think the weirdest cameo shift ive ever had was this one weird (and rare for me) dream shift. which is already weird considering i hardly dream, much less dream shift, but i was a lizard. just some. random garden lizard. like the ones you see outside on the playground. idk what i was doing

4! the wording of this is. kinda hard for me to wrap my head around. but uh. i guess one of the things ive done is ive decorated bits of my room to correspond with my alterhumanity! ive got a little feather on a string i hung near my bed, and i have this vase of fake lilies :) stuff like that to remind me of who i am! i also tend to go and interact with the other cats we have quite often. just uh. the little things.

5! my outlook on the community changes depending on what PART of the community we're talking about.

like i think the tumblr therian community is pretty good. probably one of the best ive seen so far.

tiktok is horrid. but not everyone there sucks. ive noticed that a lot of the therians/other alterhumans there just find themselves misinformed, or led down the wrong paths. with a bit of enlightenment i think it could be fixed.

youtube is decent imo. theres a lot of misinformation there as well, but if you can find the right creators with the right mindsets, you can find a safe place. also a lot of the quadrobists and mask makers on there are super sweet!!!

twitter. i have no comment. i dont fw twitter i dont touch twitter everrrrrr nuhuh.

discord is pretty good as well tho!!!! ive found lots of therian friends through discord and they r all AMAZING shoutout 2 them <3

6! oh. ohhhhhhhhh listen. this might some weird but one of the things that makes me just. soooo euphoric. ohh. when i meow at another cat and it meows back. like yes!!!!!! you understand me!!!!!!!!!!!!! also for some reason chewing on wood is a close second. my other cats like to do it and its actually like. super fun i love it. the only bad thing is ive gotten so many splinters from like chewing on popsicle sticks and stuff :(

7! yeah. far too often. and the body dysphoria stacked on top of it doesnt help :( where are my pawsssssssss :((((

8! take it slow. and dont push yourself to do anything. please. ive been a therian for about a year now (not very long, i know, but this is just for comparison) and i still dont know everything about my theriotypes and my kintypes. im still working really hard to try and learn quads, and itll take me a very long time to master even the basics. dont be afraid to take your time. alterhumanity isn't something that comes quickly to all, or any, for that matter. dont be ashamed to take it slow.

9! i would LOVE to get my paws on a few masks or tails but due to my parents i don't think thatll be happening anytime soon :( i do have a cardboard mask i started tho! it should be done in a few days, and as long as they dont find it i think we'll be okay

10! a lot of mine stemmed from trauma i think. it seems like the most legitimate answer for me as of now, but im still looking into it :)

11! uhhhh uhm m not quite sure who id tag for this so uh... anyone and everyone is welcome t answer this!!! :D

If you are a alterhuman, reblog and answer these questions!

(don't be afraid to write a lot, do what you want ¯⁠\⁠_⁠(⁠ツ⁠)⁠_⁠/⁠¯)

1/ Which category of alterhumanity do you belong to?

2/ What/who is/are your type(s)? (if you have any)

3/ Do you experience shifts? If so, can you tell us your most common shifts and your strangest cameo shift (if you've ever had a cameo shift)?

4/ How do you experience your alterhumanity in everyday life?

5/ What do you think of the community?

6/ What are the things that make you most comfortable and euphoric in your alterhumanity?

7/ Are you experiencing species dysphoria?

8/ What advice would you like to say to a young alterhuman who has just awakened?

9/ Do you have/want to have gears?

10/ Do you know/have any theories about the origin of your alterhumanity? If so, tell us! (all beliefs are legitimate)

11/ Tag someone/a creature to answer these questions!ㅤᵕ̈

[libidomechanica]

Had Buonaparte won at Waterloo

A limerick sequence

               Stanza I

—Gentle reason that had been first impel, till the spray, the sea? A heart its    hungry gorge. To travellers    journey, but they’re both together, for silk will ever be.

               Stanza II

How well a lover’s words were shooting into place. In the aggregate may    chance ever dear! Sweet voices    of their turn around a straight nor have I nothing in May.

               Stanza III

But then wind with spites; yet we think I’m dying. From the fanning wheel and    the pity for me, the    pay’s but small clouds are bright suffice that guides thus to enter me?

               Stanza IV

Which fix middle jimp wi’ sense and free. Lord Henry walk’d into place. I could    spoil much great descried the    indentures a ’ Then would be so you o���er-green my God!

               Stanza V

He also recommend; so never hurts ye. Struggling pain that moves, he found;    and melts the Fire. And—what    is depart; fixed to fight, in absence only, called a drunkard.

               Stanza VI

It is their own, till peace, an everlasting back that when I reign. Whilst the    shining fie was in love    is liberty, doth much in this bad world’s false companie. To learn.

               Stanza VII

Face, and saints I see that madmen may not bite you for being dead, wouldst stay!    Junior by six weeks his    youth. To touch one creature- traveler clear spring from an higher.

               Stanza VIII

The grassy slope I traced it. Brook, mere fresh new stings! Bad spider—die! Which wit    impart. Seeping jellyfish.    An oxymoron or absolute truth be broken world.

               Stanza IX

Come, let’s goe a Maying. The wither may create Ideas in the soul gave    all the acutest hinters,    exhaustion, or where, or whether to dread? Unequal task!

               Stanza X

Be lost which with Decay, to chant thy waiters, and if you kiss you new. The    citizen hissing wealth    goes to a Shrine, and syne he kiss’d her, and driving, lowers show.

               Stanza XI

The bounteous large; their rotten smoke? The secret joys and sae neat, and younger    brothers might not have studied    quick distrust she saw me. Which on the pool. So pass the wall.

               Stanza XII

I told her table. ’En out spak’ the wilds, as diligent her sons and then    his pipe, and ever more.    The solemn love who cannot be free, all in whit, e the load.

               Stanza XIII

But ’twas from out thy love! Pursue, and with apples, and legs and voices, that    outgrow, like to bedward    strange fortune better fitted for which mads the pale marble flood.

               Stanza XIV

’ In Moore’s phrase, where London’s so well as not her to lend, i’ll say, I wish theeues    do rob, but who was a    fine and somewhat more to here. He deems it is time of life’s hat!

               Stanza XV

So many trouble;—I wish thee embrace. Because of worth. And am forlorn,    dying abroad, at    least lie down to a lost and sent. Since allows: that love alone?

               Stanza XVI

To whispers first, but Love is fire. Her wits to your eyes see beautiful, but    most friends joy, foes grief,    posterity fame; before we know love excellently rave, Sir.

               Stanza XVII

Whose ripeness it is so dramatic this swelling stranger: but she loved    Cassandra mine. Woman,    weaving her climacteric teased her face; the means that she men.

               Stanza XVIII

Yet though her dignity brook thereon: this, ready gaping mouth, that very    faults assure; so well, thoughts    my deeds. With all your fruit, and this course can represent, and woes.

               Stanza XIX

Friend like slow Germany, whose like to it. On birthday she price, ask’d not know    what an interest I    listen to be thereon: this, reader! Teach me at once didst proue.

               Stanza XX

I’ll be my cold dust remained, the parting heart gazing he stood on thee well.    Do not think of these close    my gain for her waist, then wind was not to lose his power too.

               Stanza XXI

At least I’ll try to daunt you! I wondered if her mother dress. Kick off the    House of loue, thought in all    the prize contempt to confess: no matter for the sides were joined.

               Stanza XXII

Own they pleased; the field, with her venture. The golden dreamt for fancy form’d like    the harmonious sigh,    much as they were: still to leave all for the stuffs, the tape rolls on.

               Stanza XXIII

I lay with the house drowsing though the port: if they who had perceived with liberal    arts to complain. Curse    on all men and the tempests of vaine loue is sin, woo’d and me.

               Stanza XXIV

The shrines all. The king his desire to come of murdrer now on Shooter’s    Hill! Nancy, Nancy; is    it Man or Woman, since the world, which a man such skill and fame.

               Stanza XXV

And my presents the man who have year old who refuse: daughter’s case; more anxious    for that’s one cause enough    can signify the public shame, by rage suppress’d. Hey ho!

               Stanza XXVI

My children teares finding pure, doth but plainly tell; my passive is thistles    sowed! Day of passions,    love a goat stirs with no more, than Heav’n first secret sent, the woods.

               Stanza XXVII

Nor sister: ah! How glowing and only vocal with graves, black Melancholy    mirth; but the appointed    on the Flame, directed from me his sovereign of boredom.

               Stanza XXVIII

Wily bride. Wretched swindler’s lie? In female corporation seen. I love    the midst, where were used, the    lurking demon of any hart; her heaven, my absence Hell.

               Stanza XXIX

Aspire, for lofty Pile, and nights, going towers! Eyes wide whites shall my heart,    and pity doth thy lawn,    see all; So we who bear was born; seal’d her will strong and still green.

               Stanza XXX

’ Brings Scotland to the dog, and manger makes seen, the youngster, as rare in my    Muse! David! That when young    lieutenant’s wings, and others’ proper placemen, every day.

               Stanza XXXI

Prattle like Roland’s horn in Roncesvalles’ battles, despite, had he the    sweete soft interval afford    to a fine and abandoned. Horizon—where I am!

               Stanza XXXII

Soft for death, can break loose soul is drown’d was such, that, in fact, the heart. Hark how    this covenant. The Blues,    that makes the golden sea, whose base and cupp’d him Rx Pulv Com gr.

               Stanza XXXIII

They reach’d ten o’clock: and what’s the promise of a dancer, had kept him free,    and sigh’d no surely there    other tons, ’ which Eve might have brought, and say—’Ah! Although a straw.

               Stanza XXXIV

When once were. Struck match to this. And next designed, but one thing’s odd, which in pity    you woulds’t, when dreams. I    can’t be better, thought alloy with fighter, may find, in the eye.

               Stanza XXXV

Against my self extreme inclined, but oft to virtuous acts inflame my    feeding and, sick of the    circle smiled, the follow’d taper tremble, and you know what then?

               Stanza XXXVI

Nor do you know when she saw his father weary, Senses fall, they lead the    earth, and mind: and yet the    louder roar’d that shine because he sees throne. To lose her alone.

               Stanza XXXVII

Thin and tangled poison the strongly in my fate to mix some sixty thousand    sithes I blesse the    world at least I’ll give you miss, or the while yet tis praise, nor share.

               Stanza XXXVIII

In sighs, still the coming back to-night’s o’er; and even silence found; and sluttish    plenty deck’d her throat    and wherewith I write; and as romantic heads with a tear.

               Stanza XXXIX

Fact; that for once you gave me despair? The wound and purge the Titan’s breathing    of the liked whate’er the    marble, which after line my gushing eyes blot out thy stories.

               Stanza XL

In beauty, and bring. Is not humbly thee the book of everything wheel    exterminable—not    eternal. The wager though now a saint or sink—I have nor free!

               Stanza XLI

This made of shatter of youth, darkening valley. I have lived not Death, but Juan    saw not this: that minute    goes. Be sure she does the grain entrusted in the seas at rest!

               Stanza XLII

Which can look into your iris tightens mechanics, and let thy trunk all    bail shall shine between us!    Of such credit as a mourner, or there is another?

               Stanza XLIII

All this sort of the spellken hustled together under a large pedigree!    Certain kind of colour’d    ill. Factitious to the purblind: there’s nought of losing.

               Stanza XLIV

To the lass of max! In every leaf that through three were o’ the disguise, of    her, answers Death. Oft, when    a child; she prayer; heaven then, when I bow’d to have a home.

               Stanza XLV

His beauty was there stood with a glorious nothing do, in all his farme.    To sulk upon all, and    if you trust that is superficial, his last monotony.

               Stanza XLVI

Spring, sooner than fees. The means that in thy shaded with desire spurn’d    by Potemkin; others    talk in vain to spell, sweet babe, in thy sleep must lie down wearing.

               Stanza XLVII

He will go to Newgate?—Fond Though my coffer be toom, wi’ sense of want prepared    to watches o’er thy    breathing all around, and strangers shelt’ring Jack and idle Joan.

               Stanza XLVIII

Softened the blacke face so liuely heard, and studied Spanish to the due bounds    of late. When I do it    makes to see, and wait till you could have none! The sun, who can tell?

               Stanza XLIX

These virtues raised her habits should have close hearts instead of wicks, they won’t or    can’t allow. Near the train    a sudden horror of the Impressions in prose, held water.

               Stanza L

As e’er was straws, her hearer. Her pious deed; for soul, one thought waited on    the pearls. Sweetness to be    fair clime, this scythe and crooked grapple, since you gave me despair?

               Stanza LI

The sudden spark struck match to the grand sung their own poor devils who never    knowledge crouches in its    second skin. Yet thou, and married, unmarried at hazards rude.

               Stanza LII

Then in love to every spinning wind upon their force were. To please, or no    firebrands he stayed on    the due proportion’d, as authors only multiplied it more.

               Stanza LIII

With an apple fall, he found; some troops disbanded, dilettante, delicate    committeth. But Adeline’s    service dwells, and have felt a fleeting of all my grief!

[virgoes]

/

i am BACK from edc !! it was insanely fun the only downside was that my feet hurt cuz i got a fuck ton of blisters but otherwise the new ppl i met the sets i saw the experiences i had and the food i ate was all good.. oh and i got a little sick before d2 but recovered in time.i’m excited to shit solid……

my drug experiences were very… introspective this time around i’ve already mentioned this but ketamine genuinely has helped me more than antidepressants so maybe i will consider ketamine therapy officially even tho it’s fucking expensive

day 1 i just drank and had fun but d2 d3 were psychedelic days

d2 i had started to think about how i let my life go by just because i can’t control everything and no outcome is guaranteed so i just don’t try and how stupid i am for doing that and how my friends don’t really want me to lean on them in the way that i want to and that made me sad. i also angrily walked home bc the blisters were particularly bad this day

d3 was a big mix and i think i mildly egodeathed but i thought about myself, the universe, my purpose & everyone’s purpose… i won’t really get into that cuz i got a journal entry already and don’t feel like rewriting but i realized that i get upset w people bc their way of thinking isn’t the same as mine or is slower than mine. and also that im depressed bc of my physical problems but mainly bc people around me’s problems i can’t fix for them and they affect me. like im literally chilling otherwise… i mean ive come to terms with my purpose, integrating that into my daily life will be a bit harder but i definitely learned a lot abt myself. i hope i change at least a little bit

if not the next psychedelic experience shall be the one :)

it’s funny cuz i didn’t think abt ******* at all lol or more like i realized i really don’t need to be in a relationship to feel fulfilled .. to give and receive love is the meaning of life and that doesn’t have to be in a relationship. although it would be a great dressing on top….. there’s a lot of things that irk me but the comfort of a human body is irresistible >.<

[kath-artic]

moar

since im on the topic i wanna play around in this space a little more

growing up i was a very private person. sure, my best friends knew about problems at home and my struggles with mental health, but i never talked to them about the things i cared about or the people i liked. love was such a valuable thing that to talk about it frivolously seemed sinful and just downright disrespectful to the concept. it had to be protected. this is unfortunately why i stayed in my first relationship for so long. i foolishly thought that i was somehow about infatuation and frivolous love. i thought id know it when i found it and that id never let it go, so i couldnt just admit id made a mistake. regardless, friendships to me were always about being too in the moment to care about anything else. friendship was about silent understanding and play. most of my high school friends were like this. we never talked about our lives outside of school save for one or two times, but we all knew we were all going through something so we'd all keep each other busy all night. we wouldnt leave the school until the janitors kicked us out and then we'd wander the town. every now and then someone would break down and cry and we'd sit there and hold each other, but talking about it hardly seemed necessary at that time. it wasnt until the dam broke for me at the end of my senior year that i started really opening up about stuff. that was my brief Therapy phase. i became obsessed with talking about the trauma id gone through and didnt know how to be someone outside of it for a while, but that was a horrible person to be for me. i feel bad for her and it was important that i was her for a time, but im glad im not anymore. she taught me how to be open, but every time i opened up i exploded and it never felt all that fulfilling. in fact, i found that me "trauma dumping" was just me trying to answer everyones questions before they started prying so theyd think i had nothing to hide. i was afraid of people knowing me at that time. what's more, the concept of meeting new people was exhausting at that time because to know me at that time was to know what id been through and it was hard having to go through it again and again.

leaving fixed me. ive said it before but it remains true. ive realized i love a blank slate and ive realized that knowing me is an innate quality some people do or dont possess in varying degrees. ive realized my story is mine and that i generally like being private because i really only like sharing when i think i'll be understood or when i think it's necessary to expose people to new possibilities. i like knowing lots of people, i like knowing them deeply and intimately, but not necessarily constantly. i dont want people to run dry by dumping all their is to know at my feet at once, which is why i think space is so necessary for me. old friends reaching out is such a joy because theyre a new person at this point! new friends are such a joy because they tend to feel as though theyre old friends! i just like for my circle to be full of as many people who are distinctly themselves as possible and i like to learn something. i know sometimes i have to be the teacher, but i vastly prefer equal exchanges. there are few people i never grow tired of, but they tend to also be the ones who think similarly and likewise go off on their own from time to time. we maintain a healthy distance even though we could just as easily talk forever and ever and never grow bored. i think thats the kind of relationship i can have only one of at a time and its something i reserve for romatic partners. a romantic partner is someone who is eternally interesting. someone i can be close to and still find more new things about. i still like to have space, but the closeness wouldnt make me squirm. we could talk forvever and ever and maybe we just will. idk. but there it is

[canyon-of-chaos]

Vent under cut, as well as a mentions of my aversed (slowly declining into negative) attitude toward nsfw. As well as sexism. Also nonsensical metaphors ahead. Idk what else to tag but I promise it’s not as bad as it seems

Also, I’m not tryin to hurt anyone with this!! I’m so sorry if I do,,, I’ll fix it if it is. I shouldn’t be hurting others with my mind! I’m not a psychic type Pokémon!

I also might skirt around words, but this isn because Im trying to censor stuff, it’s because I don’t wanna type the words

I like tumblr bcs i can see what I want to for the most part and I don’t have to worry about running offensive jokes when I don’t want them but like, sometimes the sheer amount of nsfw or suggestive content across the whole of social media can be a bit,,,, much. I know, the ban is important stuff and ppl do like the content, but it’s like an five dimensional world to me, something you can not, and never will understand even a sliver of.

With the new ppl from Reddit (not that it or they’re a bad thing) I feel like I’m seeing a lot more of it, alongside the types of memes and jokes that I go to tumblr to run from, and I’m a lil bit tired of it. The only ppl in the whole world who would understand how I feel are either by sibling or a friend who I can’t always talk to. Even the aro and ace communities feel distant now.

I wish I had my own goddamn site where I could actually feel free of stupid sexist stereotypical “BoYs Vs GiRlS” jokes, and a site where bots throw unwanted content in your face, on every site people always belittle anyone who’s a woman, and places where people speak about stuff that makes me uncomfortable, even though it usually isn’t bad. Those who are nice and alright shouldn’t have to change, now that tumblr is basically a safe place for refugees from other sites.

But it’s hard for me to change, and although I’m trying, changing my mindset against this stuff is like trying to move a heavy object that you could’ve sworn moved a bit, but the moment you look at where it is you realize it barely moved at all. I think before I can help myself I need to understand what it is that I’m so stressed about and why, and neither of those ive figured out yet.

I know that there’s nothing wrong with it, but for some reason I’m just really hard to convince. Even worse, as a kid I never learned much about it beyond nature documentaries, so I know that these feelings might have came from myself instead of religion.

While I clear my mindset I think I need my own site, a space where I can escape to, without others needing to accommodate me. Ppl say that everyone ‘isn’t alone’ but for the most part I feel like every experience they talk about doesn’t even relate to mine. I’m isolated on this deserted island I trapped myself on, and hope that one day, I’ll finally leave. Until then, I’ll carve myself a boat by hand, bit by bit. You know what, even if I’m alone in this, I’m still going to make an effort, one step at a time!

[kenj1sl0v3r]

EJ headcannons

(warning: i’ve never written on here before, so i really don’t know what the hell i’m doing, but since your reading this, it’s your problem, not mine)

(this shit is all over the place, i’m sorry-)

General-

so i hc him to be at least 6’5

when it comes to his voice, i definitely see it as low and raspy.

mans is immortal, he’s done everything at least once.

probably smoked for a couple decades, and then switched to vapes just for shits and giggles

did crack once but completely lost his mind, so he doesn’t fuck around with drugs anymore

in the beginning, he wasn’t as good with his victims as he his now

in his free time he studies medical journals and text books and that’s how he’s gotten so good over the years, and became the main doctor at the manor if y’all fw the manor! au

and the kidney thing-

ive heard lots of different fucking story’s about how it came it be, but since none of it is cannon i get to make up my own back story for him :) (bc i obviously make the rules)

am i going to tell you said backstory? absolutely not :) I’m insecure okay

anyway

pre-demon mans probably kept to himself throughout his life. always being an introvert even before the accident.

jack is a pretty patient person, stalking his victims days or weeks before he goes in for the kill. unless he hasn’t eaten in a while, then he might get a bit jittery

the only time his patients yeets itself is when he’s stressed. when the accident first happened, he didn’t understand his thirst completely, so he kind of raged out and did whatever the fuck he felt compelled to do.

through the years he’s learned to control his rage.

insecure™️

he hates his face, hates seeing the gaping holes where eyes should be.

he wears his mask around even when he’s alone, and has broken all the mirrors in his safe house (the mirrors have been broken for years, he just can’t bring himself to get new ones, or fix them 🤷‍♀️)

Romantic-

okay, being honest i don’t really see Jack as the type to go out and socialize, mingle with the singles, that type of shit.

if jack develops romantic feelings for you, it’s either because you are a fellow creep, or you are someone that he admires from his past life.

like i said, jack is one insecure demon boy. it would take years of building his trust for him to feel safe with you.

and that’s what romance is to him, or at least from what he’s known it as.

lowkey super fucking yandere

the demon part of him is just like, “protec human, luv human, no eat human”

and there’s also the part where it’s like, “my human”

so uh, good luck having other friends or hobbies besides demon boy jack if the both of you ever tie the knot <3

no but like seriously. if jack ends up showing you how comfortable he is with you, like taking his mask off around you, things like that- you are absolutely, 100% his.

after that if you feel like you don’t want to be with him anymore, maybe something happens and you no longer feel safe with him, etc. then you either are held captive or killed.

jack doesn’t want to hurt you. you’ve just seen too much <3

[shhh-no-ones-home]

to love and leave behind steve rogers x reader x bucky barnes

+++++++++

this is Steve x reader x Bucky following the events of endgame

prompt: She has a strong fondness for Bucky but she knew that was never gonna happen. So she agreed to go out with Steve when he asked. they had been dating for a while and then the snap happened. five years come and go and she knows its Steve's turn to find happiness. and who knows, maybe she and Bucky can too.

Also from a thought that captain America is pro-choice so themes of that and mentions of abortion and pregnancy

Song: miss you in a heartbeat by def Leppard

tag list: @cynic-spirit +++++++++

I stood next to Steve by one of the vans as Bruce set up the new time machine. It had taken a short bit to get everything in order again but Scott pitched in so that helped a lot. Now it was just the five of us; Bucky, Sam, Bruce, Steve, and me. And we were all anxiously waiting the outcome of today's events. To fix what was broke and to put back the stones. And as exciting as that was I still felt a heaviness on my heart about the conversation that had to happen. It was almost time. The other guys were standing around waiting for him.

"Hey Steve, I have to tell you something. Before you go."

I said softly, barely audible as I slumped my way out of the driver seat. He looked confused, brows drawn.

"Go?"

He asked and I sent him a look before rubbing my hand down my arm.

"I don't want it to change your mind though."

I managed, trying to avoid his gaze but desperately wanting to remember him like this.

"Okay?"

I took a deep breath, staring over his concern stricken face.

"I was doing my physical the other morning, right? and, uh... I'm pregnant."

His smile grew so wide as he stepped to me, hands at my elbows.

"What?! That's great!"

He was so enthusiastic. But I shook my head.

"I wanted you to know before I made my decision, but, I don't know if I can do this."

His face fell slowly.

"What do you mean?"

He knew exactly what I meant.

"I can't take care of a baby. Especially not without help."

He paused as realization struck him. He knew that I knew what was happening today.

"Plus i know it would tear you up inside. With you leaving and all."

He opened his mouth twice before speaking.

"Y/n i-"

"It's okay Steve. I'm not trying to stop you. In fact I want you to be happy. And I know that's not here. It never was."

He tightened his jaw.

"But terminating? I understand that it's completely your decision but you always talked about how hard it would be for you to even have kids and how much you wanted one when it came time."

I shook my head quickly.

"I can't keep it. It wouldn't be fair to either of us. Or it. No matter how much I want it."

"And thats your choice?"

He said a little defeated. He knew it didn't matter. No matter how excited I was when I found out or how much I was anticipating carrying through. But that was before I knew there was a possibility he could be with her again. And before I knew I'd be doing this alone. It took me two days to come to terms with the fact that he should know before he leaves. So here we were.

"we've been together for seven years Steve, I know you well enough to know you're leaving."

"I don't have to."

He said just above a whisper, his hands making their way to my hips.

"We both know that's a lie. From the moment we found out it would work we knew you were going. It's okay."

We both just stared at each other for a moment, trying not to cry. He knew I always hid my emotions well, something that took both of us a good time to learn and work around. But now I didn't know if I wanted to. The only thing I guess keeping me from crying, sobbing, holding him close again, was the want for him to finally be happy. Even if it broke me a little on the inside. But we both knew we were truly in love with different people.

"I do love you." he said softly.

"And I you. But this wasn't forever."

I moved his hands off my hips and held them in mine.

"I guess it never really was."

"No. more of a place holder until we could be where we really belong."

He looked down at them connected for a moment before looking back to my face.

"You gonna talk to him?"

I half shrugged.

"Maybe we could bond over losing you."

I joked, a smile tugging at the edge of his lips.

"Maybe you could learn from each other. He needs you just as much as you need him."

I sighed.

"Think he'll want it?"

I was almost serious but I doubted he would.

"The baby?"

He asked a little dumfounded and I snorted.

"Steven grant Rogers Jr?"

He laughed, shaking his head.

"He's getting better."

"So was I."

He sent me a look.

"You still are."

"I'll miss you Steve."

I admitted, him pulling me into a tight hug. And I finally let a tear slip.

"I'll miss you too y/n. I'll always keep you in my heart."

He whispered before pulling away, still holding me in his arms.

"Don't forget about me okay?"

I croaked out.

"How could I? You changed my life."

He offered a small smile.

"I love you Steve."

He leaned forward and kissed me gently, resting his forehead against mine afterwards.

"Take care of each other and everything will be alright."

°°°°°°°°°

He asked if I wanted to come over to be with them but I couldn't do it. I'd much rather sit here in the van with my own thoughts and emotions than any of them see me cry again. I could still see everyone and everything that was happening and I wasn't quite sure if that was worse or not. Bucky had his hands in his pockets, a sadness over him, and Sam had a very enthusiastic demeanor. But he didn't know. Not like we did. That hurt. Losing love always does.

I blinked out a few more tears as I got back out of the van, walking to the end of it and watching them intently. Steve was on the platform, shield and hammer in hand. He looked from them to me and I offered the smallest smile but it was better than nothing. I just hoped he knew exactly how much I did care for him and how okay I was with him going. After all, he deserved his happy ending. The man out of time.

When I heard Sam and Bruce arguing I figured that was my queue. It was one slow, shaky step after another to get to where they were. Then Bucky said something and all our attention made it's way to a figure sitting at the edge of the clearing. Without a second thought my hand was over my mouth and I tried my hardest to hold the sob threatening to spill from my lips. I looked to the sky and wiped the few tears away, taking a labored breath. I swallowed hard, shook my head, and kept on my mission. When I made it to Bucky he offered a broken smile, leaning into me as I slipped my arm into his. We were silent for a moment as we watched Sam talk to Steve. He looked like he had changed so much but also not at all. But he looked happy and that's what mattered. Even if it broke all of us.

"This isn't going to be easy."

I said just above a whisper and he nodded.

"What was it that he always said? We do this together?"

I half laughed, looking to the ground and kicking a stick lightly.

"Walk with me?

I asked, looking back to him and He nodded. It was fairly leisurely as we turned and passed Bruce, still flipping switches and turning the machine off. But there was a wracking at my brain as I held onto to Bucky for dear life. There was probably a million things to say but I knew what needed to be heard because it was the same thing on my mind.

"Ya know he didn't belong here. He never really did."

I looked up at him and he swallowed hard.

"That doesn't make it any easier."

I hummed softly.

"No it doesn't. What does though is knowing that he still believes in us, even if we don't believe in ourselves."

His pace got slower.

"I'm gonna miss him."

I swallowed hard.

"We all will. But you know just like I do that he had to leave. He found his purpose a long time ago and it wasn't here with us."

The tears were threatening again and he stopped.

"What about you?"

I looked over his stone cold features for a moment as he stared down at me. I ran my thumb over his arm lightly.

"I made peace with it. I've been in love with someone else for a while. since we met anyway. He knew that. And he knew that the people we were meant for weren't available. So we stayed together."

His head hung low.

"Oh. So you've found someone else already?"

He looked back to me with a different form of sadness behind his eyes.

"Bucky-"

"No it's okay, I'm glad you have. I guess everyone's moving on."

I shook my head.

"Buck I'm talking about you."

He deadpanned.

"You are?"

I nodded slowly, trying to choose my words carefully.

"I've known since the day we met. I was meant to be with you. Sometimes you just know, you feel it. But you weren't ready and that's okay."

We started walking again.

"But you and steve-"

"Had a mutual understanding to fill each other's needs until we could make it back to our own person. even if it was seven years of dating and living together and just carrying on. we were happy for the most part. like living with a friend."

i squeezed his arm.

"but ive known it was supposed to be you. And i know we've been working through things together, its brought us closer. and if you're ready I'd love to try this more than friends thing. But if not that's okay too. I've waited this long."

I let out a short laugh.

"I've been working so hard."

He said and I looked to him.

"as a young man there was nothing I wanted more than to settle down and start a family. But I don't want to hurt you. I still don't trust myself and you've held me enough nights to know the nightmares still linger."

I stopped him and stood in front of him so we were facing each other. I placed my hands firmly on his arms and he tensed. I looked intently between his eyes.

"Bucky you could never hurt me."

I said sternly.

"Who else has visited you and dealt with the nightmares since you've been here? Who else knows more about you than Steve? Who has voluntarily been your partner and your friend?"

He looked down a little ashamed as I kept going.

"Buck, I know with the snap it's been a while but that doesn't change how I feel. Relationships Are about growth and sacrifice."

He nodded slowly.

"Yeah I guess you're right. And I guess Part of me has been waiting for a long time to hear that from you."

I reached up and cupped his face, running my thumb over his check bone as he smiled down at me.

"So you wanna try this whole dating thing?"

"I'd love to. If you'll have me."

He said a little unsure. I swallowed hard as realization struck me. Well that or the nausea.

"Before we do this I do need to tell you something."

He looked a little concerned

"Okay?"

"It came up earlier and I don't want it to change how you feel about me or us because I'm still on the fence about my decision. But I'm pregnant."

He just stared at me for a long while, eyes wide.

"I didn't want it to be the deciding factor on Steve staying or not and I've been thinking about aborting it. I won't be able to do this on my own and it's not fair to dump this on you either-"

"Hey, no no no no no, I get it's your decision but if you want help. I can- I mean i may not be the best candidate but I've always wanted a family. And I'm not about to leave someone I care about behind because something like that came up. im still learning and finding myself again but if you want help... im more than happy to lend a hand."

I looked over this face again. He seemed serious.

"Are you sure? I don't want to push this on you when you're already so unsure about yourself. I was gonna make an appointment tomorrow-"

"No, don't even worry about it. Maybe this will be the push I need. I mean we've got mine months. I could be better by then. maybe not a lot but something is better than nothing. and like you said, when you know you know. We can be fully established by then, right?"

I smiled, his hands moving to my hips.

"With your pardon and starting over again in the real world yeah I think we can. If you don't mind taking care of a tiny Steve Rogers."

He laughed, cringing a little bit.

"Are we gonna tell them that?"

I laughed too and for once it felt like a weight off my shoulders.

"It's gonna be complicated because they obviously won't look like you but as far as I'm concerned this was a decision we make together, to be parents, so you'll still be their dad. If you want to be off course. Even if Steve is the one that made it."

He nodded, pulling me into a hug.

"Thank you for giving me a chance. I promise I won't mess this up."

I pulled away from him and kissed his cheek quickly.

"Bucky I love you. If you want to do this with me there is no way you could mess it up."

He smiled at me a genuine smile before kissing me gently. It was soft and caring and like a switch was flipped. When he pulled away he picked me up and I squealed, laughing as he buried his face in my neck.

"I love you too darlin'."

[defiblover27]

On The Court

I’m in my teams locker room getting ready for the first game of our tournament.  We made it all the way to the national women's college volleyball tournament.  This is my senior year so this is my last chance to get a title.  I put my long brown hair into a ponytail before putting on my white head band that wraps around my head.  I pull my black jersey over my black sports bra supporting my B cup breasts.  I slide my knee pads up my toned legs and secure them in place.  Finally I put on my white sneakers and look at myself in the mirror.  I never imagined when I was younger that at 22 years old I would be at this level.  I’m only five foot two but I have trained hard for this day.  My team huddles up and gets pumped up for the game.  This is what we have trained for and we wont let anything get in the way.  The gymnasium was packed, all our friends and family were there to watch us play.  The first whistle blew as the other team set the ball.  The first few minutes went great for us.  We were winning and it looked like an easy win.  A few moments later I start to feel lightheaded and start to lose vision.  I back up slightly to approach the bench but I never make it.  Before I realize what is happening my legs give out and I fall onto the court.  I can’t move and I can’t see anything.  I hear faint voices getting close to me.  Did I pass out? Why can I still hear them?  “Someone get the nurse!” I hear my couch shout.  “Call 911!” another voice says.  What’s going on? I feel someone's hands between my breasts. Who is touching me there?  Then there's a sharp pain.  They are pushing down hard and fast on my chest.  No this cant be happening, someone is giving me CPR,  I can count the compressions as my chest caves in.  After thirty compressions someone tilts my head back, opens my mouth, pinches my nose, and gives me mouth to mouth.  I feel my lungs inflate each time air is forced into them.  They give me two breaths before the compressions start again.  Before I know it someone I feel someone cutting my jersey off.  The place these large sticker like pads on my chest.  One between my breasts and one on my lower left side.  Suddenly I don’t feel anyone’s hands,   “Analyzing do not touch patient” I hear in a mechanical voice.  I remember learning about these in health class its an AED.  “Shock advised do not touch patient.” It says again.  Oh crap I know what comes next, this is gonna hurt.  “Pressing flashing shock button now” I feel a sharp pain course throughout my body as the shock is delivered.  I feel someone’s fingers pressing into the side of my neck.  “She has a pulse!” they exclaim.  Thank god, my heart is beating again.  It is hard to breath but I manage to get some air.  Why am I not waking up? Shouldn't I be awake now?

I feel a tube run across my face and little ones placed into my nose.  The paramedics have arrived!  They give me much needed oxygen.  They roll me onto my side and place a long hard object against my back.  They roll me back over and place straps over my body.  They shove two large blocks against my head.  I feel constrained as if I couldn't move even if I wanted to.  They lift me up and place my on a gurney before rolling me outside into the ambulance.  I feel cold metal run across my body as the paramedic removes all of my clothes.  They strip me naked for the whole world to see.  Stickers are placed on my chest and wires are connected to them.  I hear a beep and then another, they have me heart rate monitored and I can hear each time it pumps.  There is a quick prick in my left arm and then a warm sensation as they start an IV.  Everything is going well and I think that I am finally back but, I still can’t seem to wake up.  I want to wake up I just need to open my eyes.  Suddenly I feel a pain in my chest like the one from before.  They beeps in the distant become faster and faster.  Why is my heart beating so fast? I can’t hear the beeping anymore... a sharp continuous tone feels the air.  “She’s coding hurry up!”  Coding? Did my heart stop again?  I get my answer before I can think.  The paramedic places there gloved hands between my breasts and gives me CPR.  This time it hurts more than the first time as they push down with all of their force over and over again.  I feel a rib pop from the force of the compressions.  A mask reeking of plastic is sealed over my mouth and nose as air is forced into my lungs.  They rip the AED pads off of my chest.  “Charging to 300″ I hear the paramedic call out.  There is an electrical whining as the defibrillator is charged.  I feel two cold metal paddles placed against my chest but they also have a cold gel on them.  “Shocking” before I can prepare myself the shock courses through my body.  I feel my chest try and rise up but I am constrained by the straps of the backboard.  “No change charging again” Why didn’t the shock work this time?  The paramedic uses one hand to compress my chest.  I feel my ribs cave in each time.  In a moment the paddles are back on my bare chest and I am shocked again.  “Asystole” I hear them call out.  My heart still isn’t beating.  Is this it, is this where I die?  There hands are back on my chest as the continue CPR for what seems like an eternity.  They leave my chest for just a few seconds as they push a new fluid through my IV.  This one burns as I feel it course through my body.  As the compressions continue my heart begins to quiver again.  “V-fib charging to 360″  The whining of the machine fills the air again.  The paddles are back on my chest and I am shocked again.  The higher voltage causes a greater pain as I try to make my heart beat again.  “No change”  The fear is increasing as I wonder if they will be able to save me.  The ambulance stops and they roll me out.  The paramedic straddles my body and I feel their pelvis pressing against mine.  They continue CPR on me as they roll me into the hospital.  Now even more people will see my nude body.  

I am rolled into a room as one of the paramedics tells the doctors what is going on.  “22 year old female, suffered a cardiac arrest at a volleyball game.  Was brought back to normal sinus by the AED.  Crashed in the ambulance five minutes ago.  Has been given one round of epi and shocked three times.  Currently in V-fib.  Continuous CPR the entire time.”  The paramedic gets off of me as they lift me over to a new bed.  The straps are removed and the wires are plugged into a new monitor.  A nurse takes over compressions while someone else opens my mouth a puts a metal hook into it.  I feel them force a long tube all the way down my throat.  There is some kind of strap wrapped around my neck as they secure the tube.  “Charge the paddles to 360 please.”  I feel multiple sets of hands on my body as they each fight to save me life.  In a moment the paddles are back on my chest and I am shocked.  This time my head snaps back and I feel my chest rise into the air before crashing back down onto the bed.  “No change charge again”  CPR is continued as my heart takes a beating.  Before I know it the paddles are on my chest and everyone backs away.  “All clear, shocking”  My arms flail off the bed as my chest rises and falls again.  “Asystole, push epi and resume compressions”  I remember that word, asystole, that means my heart isn't moving at all.  The burning sensation returns as the medicine is forced into my body.  I feel someone pull my eyelids open but I can’t see anything.  They shine a bright light into my eyes and then pull it away.  “Pupils are sluggish” I feel my arms bounce up and down with each compression that I am given.  Each second feels like an eternity as they fight for my life.  “V-fib charge paddles to 360″  I hear the whining of the machine and a squirting noise as they place more of that gel onto the paddles.  CPR is stopped and the paddles are placed on my chest again.  “Everyone clear, shock”  I hear the doctor say as I am defibrillated again.  My feet twitch and I feel my toes scrunch up before relaxing again.  “Again”  For just a few second hands are between my breasts and pounding away before the paddles are on my chest again.  “All clear, shocking”  Bam I am shocked again as I feel my hands form loose fists and my chest rise and fall.  “Back in asystole, what's her down time?”  I hear the doctor ask.  “Twelve minutes doctor” a distant voice responds.  “Prepare a thoracotomy tray please”  What the hell is that?  CPR is continued and a fluid is splashed all across my left chest.  I feel a blade cut away at my side below my breast.  Blood pours out and I hear in trickle on the floor.  They suction away some of my blood.  They place metal bars in my chest and spread my ribs apart.  I feel the doctors hands wrapped around my hear as he squeezes it rhythmically.  They push more medicine into me and two minutes later I am back into a shockable rhythm.  I feel two spoon shaped metal paddles placed into my chest and around my heart.  “Charge to 20 joules”  They back away from my nude body and the paddles deliver a shock.  My body twitches but the pain is greater than the previous ones.  “Charge to 30 joules”  Again the paddles shock me as my toes scrunch and my body twitches. “No change charge again”  I hear the doctor whisper something “Come on girl” he wants me to come back.  I feel the shock course through my heart as my body jolts.  There is a moment of silence.  A sharp tone feels the air as the doctor slowly removes the paddles from inside my chest.  “Downtime?” he asks.  “Eighteen minutes.” a voice responds.  No one is squeezing my heart, there are no paddles in my chest.  All there is a a ventilation every few seconds filling my lungs.  They shine the light in my eyes again.  “Pupils fixed and dilated.” What's going on?  “Time of death 14:47″  What? No please keep going I’m not ready to die.  I feel them disconnect the bag from the tube in my throat and the tone is silenced.  They wipe the gel off my chest and disconnect the wires.  They wrap a sting with a small card on it around my big toe.  They drape a sheet over my naked body and leave the room.  That’s it... I’m dead.

[colorfulmetaphors]

rewatched all of mauls TCW eps last night (with a friend; thank you sam ily) and am just marveling at the Maul Appreciation journey because

the first time i watched them i was like ok yes this dudes vibes are off the charts terrible love that in a man good aesthetic good voICE GOD good dialogue etc. and then i started digging into all the EU stuff and with everything i learned/read that casual hey this character is cool feeling became hey what the fuck. HEY WHAT THE FUCK (wrath of darth maul) hey what the fuck?????????? and pulled him out of my usual “this is a character in a narrative” approach to media and let him just Be because THERES SO MUCH to him. i remember soon after i finished the show for the first time, i went looking for playlists and for a bunch of them i was like?????? i dont see how this applies but okay. and then listening to them later after i knew more i was like OH SHIT YEAH. i get it now. it’s not that TCW does bad?????? but it only scratches at the surface and bless witwer for giving us those extra spidermaul lines to tie him together more… so now rewatching it with all the context is entirely different from the first time and each expression means so much more than the haha angy guy go brr… i love him so much and i kinda love that the fullness of his character exists outside his canon presentation. it’s like a weird blessing? (for me, will explain below)

it’s why i don’t want more content lmao fenris voice what does disney touch that it doesn’t spoil. (im very bitter about the sequels, from a writing perspective) and based on my own experience and on seeing other people’s (fandom; some comics; one novel i forget which) interpretations of maul, it’s VERY EASY to see the red/black color palette and welcome to my twisted mind sequences and vengeance quest and write the simplest aggressive edgelord version of him.

id hope it wouldn’t happen but if it did it would make me so sad, because FOR ME the most important part of the media i enjoy is the writing. far above (far above) ((far below)) anything else, because i want to break things down and analyze them and you didn’t connect shit them, if the writings no good i cant engage in the same way. i think thats generally very different from most fandom? based on what i can see, it seems most people are able to pick around what they dont like or use fanfiction to fill in blanks or fix stuff. and i dont think thats bad. it’s cool. but it’s not for me. i need the source material to be tightly woven so i feel like it’s fine to step out and venture across it. half the fun for me is learning about the creators and how they approached the project. it’s me being able to say oh witwer loved this character so he added depth by including the aforementioned spidermaul lines about the sith code and mauls introduction to the jedi/sith history. i need to know that if i go digging im going to find intention and care and attention to detail so i can have fun unearthing those details. it’s CRAFT more-so than narrative or character. thats how it is for me. i kinda wish it wasn’t because it feels very no fun allowed but over a decade in fandom and i haven’t been able to change it.

a simplistic (and not even necessarily the same as mine; just one with no depth) canon interpretation of maul would feel like someone dumping a bucket of water on a sandcastle ive built in my driveway after precariously hauling the sand from distant beaches with my toddling chunky child hands. (i built this man up from a cave! with a box of scraps!) and i would not be able to rebuild that image of him because then his presentation would exist in the “this must be included because it is now law” zone rather than the wild west of the EU. i WANT more maul content but i also dread more maul content. gonna laugh at hope and attachment for maul getting in the way of accepting maul. sidious meme voice ironic.

anyway. i feel that the Journey is ending with: im graduating him into baby youre my forever girl status and building a glass display case to keep him separate, just on the chance i need it. i think the buzz will start to fade soon but hes firmly planted

[gloriafc]

Baby

Slight greys anatomy mention

You're Eddie's daughter. You were the product of a teen pregnancy, the reason your parents got married. They had Christopher as an attempt to save their marriage and it worked for a little bit. When your mom left you were also graduating high school and ready to go off to college.

"Dad I don't have to go. I can take a year off. You need help with Christopher." "I can handle it mija. You go and become a doctor like you want. Make us proud okay?" And you do just that, the year you graduate med school is the same year he joins the 118. You take a trip to visit them and help them move before your internship starts, Christopher of course is very happy to see you without a screen separating you two and your dad is happy to see how much you've grown.

You start your internship in Seattle, becoming a surgeon at Seattle Grace.

When the fire station finds out about Christopher, no one finds out about you, your dad not knowing how to bring up that he has an adult daughter.

When the incident with the bomb in the or happens, your dad is worried about you resulting in him finally telling the firehouse about you. "Why didn't you ever say anything?" "I don't know. I don't put pictures up, there was never any reason. But now." "Now she's been injured."

They don't get the chance to meet you until the mass shooting, you've been shot twice in your side protecting others. Your dad is your emergency contact and gets the call while he's at work. He freezes as he listens to the doctor talk, "She's alive though right?" Everyone can hear the worry in his voice an immediately question him when he gets off the phone. Bobby immediately gives him time off as he and Christopher head to Seattle to visit you.

It kills Eddie to see you injured, you're his baby girl after all, but you hide your pain well around Christopher. After you get discharged you decide to head back to LA during your time off to heal and to be with your family. So you finally get to meet everyone. Of course Buck quickly becomes the protective uncle you never had, and you're happy to see that your dad has a friend like him.

Halfway through your visit is when your mom comes back, and you don't really know how to feel. You've always bumped heads with her, but it got worse when she'd fight with your dad, even worse when she decided to leave and never made it to any of your graduations. And now you're an adult who watched you're dad build up everything she tore down. She didn't know that you were staying with your dad and tried to hide her reaction when she saw you sitting on the couch with Christopher playing a game of cards.

You tried to keep things civil but you can only do so much on your part. You kept your responses short or hardly spoke unless spoken too, until one night you both finally snapped. There was nothing Eddie could do, he loved you both, but he knew this was something you both needed to work out. "Admit it mom. If you knew I was here you never would've come back, not yet at least." "Y/N-" "No! I bet you don't even know the reason why I'm here. Fuck you couldn't even show up to my graduations. You say you left for yourself but what about your kids? You said dad never made time because of work, but he did. He was there. Me and Christopher forgave him for the things he missed because he made up for it. And you were too busy being pissed that once you got the chance you dipped. You probably don't even know that I went to medical school. That I put in so much effort I graduated early. That I'm a surgeon and one of the ones at the top of my class. And you can't even be proud because I'm a mistake." No one knows how to respond so you continue, "Admit it. You never would've married dad if I wasn't born, if I wasn't a mistake."

You leave the house and as much as Eddie wants to go after you he knows you better than that, better than your mom. He stands in the kitchen doorway as your mom sits at the table with her head in her hands, "She's always been difficult." He can only look at her, "No she hasn't. She's hurt and she has every right to be. She's right she was a mistake, but I wouldn't have it any other way. But what about you? She's here because she was shot twice in a mass shooting protecting others from the shooter, but you didn't know that. You didn't know your daughters a hero. You probably didn't know that she was injured by a bomb either. But I did because I was the first person she called, because I am her father. I made up everything I missed for them because of how much I love them, they both understand that I made a sacrifice to keep us financially stable. They learned love comes with sacrifices from me. You had your reasons to leave and I know that but she's right, you had no reason to leave your kids behind, you could've sent them post cards or something. I had the decency to write letters while I was on yours. I'm so proud of her, of the things she's done. She tried to take a year off of school to help me with Christopher because I had no idea what I was doing, but I figured it out. She lives in Seattle but she still finds time to call and text so Christopher doesn't think he's the reason shes gone. She's sacrificed just as much as everyone else, so if you still think she's a mistake, then what did you think our marriage was? Why did you come back thinking she wouldn't be apart of things like she's not your daughter as well?"

Athena's the one to see you walking the street at night, recognizing you from one of the pictures Christopher showed her. "You're Eddie's daughter right?" "Uh yeah, Y/N." She sits with you, "Athena, Bobby's wife. Why are you out here so late?" You don't know why but you vent to her, "My uh. My mom came back. And we got into a fight." You explain everything to her and she offers her couch to sleep on seeing that you don't want to go home just yet.

In the morning Bobby is the one to drop you off, your dad opening the door when he hears the car in his driveway. You walk passed everyone not wanting to say anything, but your dad follows you to Christopher's room where all your stuff is. "Where'd you go?" "I met Athena she let me sleep on her couch. I already ate, Bobby made breakfast." "Mija-" "Dad I just want to take a shower. I'll probably catch a bus and head somewhere. I'll be back before dinner." He can only sigh as he looks at the floor as you rummage through your bags, "She might be staying." "That's your marriage dad, not mine. You work out what you need to work out. I'm going back to work in a couple days anyways. I'll have to deal with a therapist there. Everything will be fine." He moves and pulls you into his arms sighing as you wrap your arms around his waist and press your face into his chest like you did when you were little, "When did you grow up?" "When I got boobs." You both laugh before he kisses your head and tells you he's heading to work leaving you in a quiet house with your mom in the kitchen.

You quickly shower and head out before your mom can even say anything to you, getting back just as your dad arrives. You end up leaving a note for your dad and leaving in the middle of the night with all your stuff, catching a cab to the airport and catching a early flight back to Seattle. Of course Eddie is upset but he understands that you and your mom will just continue to bump heads and if you think it's what's best for yourself, who is he to argue, you're an adult.

Of course you text and video call all the time, sometimes catching him when he's at the fire station and he's just happy to see you're happy and healthy.

When the plane crash happens he finds it weird that he hasn't talked to you in a few days but brushes things off thinking you're just busy. The day you call, he's at the firehouse with Christopher for a family dinner, he happily answers the phone. "Hey baby! We're having dinner, do you want to talk to Christopher?" His smile quickly faulters when he hears your shaky voice, "Daddy." He quickly walks off after checking that your brother was with Buck, "What happened?" "There. There was an accident. We had a case. We. We had to fly to Idaho. The uh. The plane. The engines were faulty and the plane crashed. My. My right side was, uh. They have to do surgery to repair my right side from my ribs to my knee."

Eddie can feel tears threaten to fall just listening to how scared you are but you continue talking, "They did enough to fix everything but they're sending me to LA for the rest of the cosmetic surgeries and physical therapy while they work out everything with HR. I'm already at the airport with some medical staff, were getting on the plane." Your dad runs a hand down his face as he tries to stay calm, "Uh okay. Call me when you get here. I'll meet you at the airport in a few hours."

Your mom is the one to find your dad outside, "What's going on? Christopher's waiting for you to play the game with him and Buck." "I'm uh I'm going to the airport. Tell him to start the game and I'll play tomorrow." "What happened?" "Y/N was in a plane crash they're flying her here." "I'll go with you." "No. Just stay with Christopher. We don't. We don't need a recap of what happened last time. Not while she's like this. And I need to be alone. Before I see her, with her injuries."

Your dad waits for hours at the airport, the staff tell him where the airplane will land and offer to take him out when the plane lands so he can stay with you. You're out cold when he gets to you, "She started freaking out before the plane took off, which was understandable we sedated her to keep her under for the plane ride, she should be waking up soon."

Your dad sits by your side as you sleep. He counts and recounts all the IVs connected to you, quickly standing when he hears Christopher, "Dad what happened to Y/N?" He looks at your mom and the rest of the firehouse behind them, "What are you guys doing here?" Buck answers, "You left without saying bye. We figured you needed some support, that she needed some support after we heard what happened. She's family too." While everyone is distracted Christopher makes his way to the spot your dad was sitting in and grabs your hand. You're laying on your left side due to your injuries and Christopher can only wonder what happened to you. After a few minutes you open your eyes squeezing the small boys hand in yours, "You're awake Y/N/N." "Hi Christopher."

At the sound of your voice your dad is immediately at your side, "How are you feeling?" Your sarcastic side comes out, letting your dad know you're okay for now, "Like I fell out of a plane."

Of course everyone quickly learns how bad doctors are as patients, "The stitches are wrong." "They should've done this, it's faster." Buck easily jokes with you, "The doctors are probably ready to discharge you and your whining already." "They wouldn't be if they knew how to do their jobs right."

After you get discharged your dad takes you home. Everyone can see you're out of it, so someone is always with you, even your mom, but the conversations stay short but trying for your dad and brother. One day Athena offers to take you out to lunch. "How've you been feeling?" "I don't know." "Your dad's worried about you. Everyone is. You're putting on a brave face." You blink away tears, something that doesn't go unnoticed by Athena, "What's wrong?" You look around thankful you got a corner table and it was a slow day for the restaurant. You take a deep breath before looking at Athena, "I haven't told my dad yet, but a few days before the accident I found out I was pregnant. I'm not anymore... Obviously."

Athena sits with you, talking about the news that is no longer news for anyone, "Are you going to tell your dad?" "I don't know. I think. I think I'm still trying to process everything. The baby. A miscarriage. The crash. The fact that I was only a few seats away from getting crushed to death." Athena nods, "Do you know what's happening with everyone else that was on the plane?" "Uh yeah. The hospital is taking fault for using that airline service with known cases of faulty engines, were basically sueing the hospital for damages up to 15 million each. It'd shut down the hospital, but we all plan on purchasing it." "So you're going to own a hospital." "Part of it along with the others that were on the plane. So I'm not actually pocketing anything right now, but over time."

After a few more days you tell your dad about the miscarriage as you both sit on the porch, "Did you tell the dad?" "No. Uh we were never in a relationship. At least I don't think we were. It only happened once and we were both pretty drunk."

After another month you go back to work to finish off your residency. You apply for fellowships, but know which one you're going to accept. You never tell your dad, opting on surprising him randomly. You show up at the firehouse, your dad running over as soon as Hen points you out, "What are you doing here?" You smile, "I decided which fellowship I'm taking." It takes a second for it to click in his head, "The one here?" You don't get the chance to respond before your dad's picking you up in a bear hug. "Wait until Christopher finds out."

You jump into working, even though you live in your own house now your dad and brother are both excited to have you close again. After a few years, and after your mom's death, things fall into a normalcy. You get invited to any family dinners Bobby and Athena throw and you always find time to spend with your dad and brother.

You manage to become chief of trauma, you still have your board seat in Seattle and occasionally fly out sometimes taking Christopher and your dad for a getaway.

The first time anyone in the firehouse actually sees you in your natural habitat is when they have to bring in a druggie with a gsw. Athena is also there since the patient is the one who had the gun. Buck was grazed by a bullet so the firehouse was still in the ER while he got patched up, as Athena asks you about the patient. "I wouldn't try questioning him yet. He's still whining like a baby." "Can't you give him something for that?" "If I give him morphine I'd have to pump his stomach. And considering he knows the exact name of the morphine I'd have to use. I'm deciding against that. It's one bullet that was at the surface and has been removed. He can suck it up, I'm not gonna be the one to aide in his addiction."

All the beds are in the open with curtains as dividers so everyone can hear the man complaining and pulling against his restraints. The firehouse can hear everything go down when you declare he's ready to leave. "You gotta give me something for the pain." You simply look at him before shaking your head, "I really don't." "You bitch." You push the man back down on the bed making him since since his wound is on his shoulder, "You're the bitch in this situation. The pain you're feeling is from withdrawal from all the drugs in your system you idiot. You want something for the pain fine but that comes with your stomach getting pumped. Do you really want that considering you're over here bitching about a small bullet wound?" The man looks at you before seething, "You don't know the pain I'm in!" "Try me. Your bullet was at the surface and has been removed, the area was numbed with cream so you didn't even feel it. I've been shot twice in a mass shooting both bullets imbedded in muscle. I survived a bomb incident, a plane crash, and a miscarriage while stranded during that plane crash. So tell me I've never felt worse." When the man doesn't say anything you look at Athena, "Get him out of here."

Your dad looks at the spot you were standing, he's never heard the things you've been through ever leave your mouth like that. Bobby sets his hand on his shoulder, "She's tough Eddie. She's fine."

When a natural disaster occurs the hospital sends out surgeons to aid first responders for the people who wouldn't make it to the hospital otherwise, you're one of the few that get sent out due to your trauma certification being more than qualified. The firehouse is lightweight surprised to see you in the field working the tent. "You got sent out?" "You do realize I worked in a trauma one center right? My first year we had a ferry crash." Everyone is amazed with how fast and calmly you work, half of the patients you get wouldn't of survived even getting on an ambulance otherwise.

There is one patient who's stuck under a piece of cement inside a building but is in critical condition. Unfortunately you're the only one small enough to fit through the gap to get to him. "No! She's not going in there!" You can only look at your dad, "We have no choice. We can save him." Reluctantly your dad lets you go knowing you'd go anyways and he doesn't technically have a say in what you can and can't do. They give you your dad's jacket and helmet as a precaution before you slowly slip through the hole. You yell out when you reach the patient allowing the firehouse to continue trying to get the guy out.

You manage to move the patient under a stable piece of metal before suddenly yelling out making everyone stop, "What's going on?" "It's starting to collapse!" Before anyone can respond the building shifts closing the hole they were making. You dad starts freaking out, "We have to get her out of there!" "And we will. Eddie calm down or sit out."

When they finally get to where you and the patient are they can see the patient is stabilized and sort of groggy but they find your body a few feet away. Due to you having your dad's protective gear he wasn't allowed to enter the building but Buck is at your side checking on you, "I got a pulse! She has a leg stuck under some concrete. She probably knocked out after she got stuck." Bobby nods, "Let's get them out of here!"

Your dad watches as Chimney and Hen bring out the man, "Where's Y/N?" Chimney sets the man up on a gurney as Hen talks to your dad, "She moved the man out of the way. She has a pulse but her leg was caught under some concrete." Just as she finishes Buck and Bobby leave the building with you in Bucks arms. Eddie is instantly taking you into his arms as he slowly sets you down on the ground, "Baby wake up." You let out a groan before slowly opening your eyes, "Why are you so loud?" Everyone chuckles, even your dad, at your ability to bounce back so fast even with a broken leg.

Everyone helps you out while your leg heals, Christopher decided to spend the night with you one night and before your dad left he sat with you on the porch. He looks at the cast that everyone has signed and Christopher has drawn multiple pictures on before throwing his arm around your shoulders and pulling you into his chest, "When did you grow up?" "The day you told me go to college to make you proud. Did I?" "You did... You're still not dating until you're 45." You can't help but laugh and shake your head as you both watch the street lights come on and the stars come out. "Aren't you the one that had a kid at 16? The irony." "You're my baby I can be as ironic as I want."