#struggling and wishing i was dead | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

touchlikethesun · 10 months ago

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#perfect jan 1st plans #sobbing in the fetal position under the bed like a child #god today sucks #this is why i use escapism so much #i try not to for one single goddamn day and look where that got me #seriously considering disappearing #it’s been years of this #years of one crisis after another and nothing ever gets better #everyone says it gets better eventually but i’ve felt like this since i was 12 #over a decade of my life #struggling and wishing i was dead #and for what? i have nothing to show for it #no accomplishments barely any meaningful relationships no hobbies #just pain and pain and failure and embarrassment and pain #fucking hell #i’m so stupid i’m so worthless i’m so pathetic i can’t keep living with myself #vent

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xx-psych0-rabbit-xx · 3 months ago

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cyn doodles+drew all the main guys in my style.ill miss them </3

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planet-crait · 1 month ago

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Okay so I was trying to grab a screenshot of something for a shitpost I’m making and I only just noticed the hardcore side eye Mr. Guzman is giving Dev.

LIKE MR. GUZMAN HE IS A SMOL CHILD HES JUST HANDING OUT KNOCK OFF MAGIC BANDS SO HIS CLASSMATES CAN HAVE FUN AT THE FOUNDERS DAY EVENT CHILL OUT!!!! HES DOING ABSOLUTELY NOTHING WROND HE TRUSTS AND LOVES HIS DAD LEAVE HIM ALONE ITS NOT HIS FAULT HIS DAD IS SHITTY HES DOING HIS BEST STOP ASSUMING THE WORST OF HIM.

#dev dimmadome #fop #fop a new wish #fairly oddparents #fairly odd parents a new wish #if Dev has a million fans I am one of them #if dev has a hundred fans I am one of them #if dev has one fan I am his only fan #if he has no fans I am dead #poor kid #even his teachers won’t give him a chance #no wonder he struggling so much

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crows-of-buckets · 4 months ago

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I cannot get the idea of a da2 au where Malcolm is the surviving parent instead of Leandra. Would both of the twins have made it out? I think they would. Because like. Malcolm, unlike Leandra, can actually fight. I don't think either of the twins would have felt the need to protect him. Would the deep roads expedition even have to happen? I assume they would probably be worse off in this au since I don't think Gamlen would lend his aid. Obviously ignoring the very valid reasons why Malcolm would NEVER take his children to Kirkwall, or anywhere near it, how different would it be? Idk why it's plaguing my head rn but LORD

#dragon age #specifically thinking about this with lucio #malcolm seeing his eldest fall head over heels for an apostate healer: huh. must be an amell family trait or something #i think things would go so different #no amell fortune for them to claim #idk if they would even be able to get INTO kirkwall but like assuming they do #i think malcolm would take a much more active role than leandra #leandra was used to a life of luxury so of course she would struggle finding a good payibg job especially while grieving for her child #malcolm is an apostate i wholy believe he can get shit done #malcolm hawke #hawke da2 #carver becomes and templar and malcolm spends a good five whole hours yelling at him #like yeah a templar may have helped him escape but. his SON??? a TEMPLAR??? fuck no #i wish we saw more of malcolm he fascinates me #<- person who is notorious for getting overly attached to dead dad chatacters

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kyofsonder · 23 days ago

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Brain in Daylight Hours: There is no mental or emotional space for writing. There are no new ideas, and no structure for old ideas.

Brain after Dark: Here's 38 new ideas, 3/4 of a structure, official permission to write, and -- oh. The only place to write in the dark is your phone? ... Never mind.

#writing #well #not writing at the moment #I saw a post about characters doomed by the narrative #and the fridged wife trope #and it got me thinking about Apricots #about whether Jess should be dead from the start #and how much it matters that it's a multi-POV story with hers as one of the vital points of view #and whose POVs are ultimately included #and how they kind of mimic the classic 5 stages of grief in a way #but each has to escape their part of that cycle in one form or another #and about how each is a reflection of me in some way because of course they are because that's how I write things #and about how the villains are a reflection of my views about certain things too #and about how the story takes shape #and how it's someone who was dead long before Jess was ever born who's really been doomed from the start #Basil is doomed by the narrative and he knows this #Jess thinks she's doomed by the narrative but she has the chance to change that #Noah resents the narrative because he believes someone has to be doomed by it and he hates the idea of anyone being doomed #Ian thinks there has to be a way out of the narrative if he can just move props around the stage the right way #Kade finds the events of the narrative lonely and sad but knows that clinging to a prologue only makes the rest harder to read #Luciana has believed most of these things at some point #now she believes that while the narrative deserves to be destroyed the characters in it do not so all she can do is endure #and none of these are exactly organized thoughts #or give me any insight into the structure of the plot #or the things I've been struggling with #but it was almosf coherent for a whole hour tonight #and only the idea that writing on my phone until 2 or 3 am would hurt my wrists/hands/eyes stopped me #if only I could keep the light on just a little longer at night #it's a risk to my budgie's health and I refuse to do that #but I wish I could write in the hours my brain says I'm allowed to write...

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bunnihearted · 2 months ago

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🐰🕸🌙

#i have so many behaviours and fears and #no emotional regulation and issues and disorders and fearrrrr #and i do not know how to explain it so that ppl who dont relate can possibly understand it #but it is like i am trapped in a nightmare dimension where everything is always bad #my brain isnt even wired to see anything in a positive or hopeful light #which is how humans are wired typically to ensure survival lol #in swedish avpd is also called anxious personality disorder #which can clue in on the fact that if you know what a personality disorder is #(your brain hasnt developed normally but in a disordered way. often bc of trauma etc)#my brain is wired to be anxious abt wverything all the time #so i always naturally see everything in a negative and dark and bad and horrible light #which is fucking terrible. it makes life exhausting and like a constant fight #other ppl dont get that bc their brains arent wired to have this horrible outlook on EVERYTHING #so thid just gives me extreme trust issues and my brain always fights to make sense of things #bc it cannot do so in a rational manner #and basically i just feel so ashamed when i think of how like... overly emotional and fearful i am #as soon as anything happens im like wow this person literally wants to kill me bc humans are evil #which i know intellectually isnt tru bc if it was i'd be dead by now 💀#ig i just feel so lucky that one person still is my friend after almost 2yrs now #despite my whateverthefuck moments when idek what im saying..#'working thru my emotions' in a way that doesnt make sense #esp when hes seen some of what i've written and im like NOOO i was spiraling when i said that i dont mean that i think most likely i dont #anyway.. feeling grateful 🙏 i wish i was normal #or at least had th ability to have connections and relationships most ppl w mental illness are still capable of having #avpd is fucked upppp it is such a weird mental disability.... 0-o #bc of my fear i also struggle with relaxing into it bc im like no imma fuck it up soon or no hes gonna leave me soon bc i suck and dont #deserve having him in my life at all. i really wish my brain wasnt wired to be terrified like i hate my brain and myself like why cant #i just be normal!!!!!! ☹️ i am thankful for every moment still.

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freezerprince · 5 months ago

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shocking! this universe's forty-seventh deeply unwell betty grof kinnie has lived to die another day! (not shocking) (it's the eighth day this has happened in this week alone) (if you are the dog and I am the dog then who is driving the sled)

#i cant get into my discord rn cause im still struggling to get my phone number transferred to my new service carrier and ummmm #yea well uhhhhh hiiii i have. art to share soon my phone got stolen and my laptop has veen dead since saturday. also our apartment flooded #from sprinkler runoff wheb the unit above us caught fire which is cool its cool its cool.#yay :) im clawing my way slowly and desperately into the safe boughs of my petrigrof comfort zone and all the veautiful people within #i do think ill enact the one shot idea i had as a kind of dogsled continuation regardless of trendiness. also i started a little comic....#....well wish me luck and stay tuned ?

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palidoozy-art · 2 years ago

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inking practice AND hyper niche shipping fanart? in my art blog? it’s more likely than you think!

#palidoozy arts #lineart #artists on tumblr #murder elf and disney princess #also let it be known that roughly every oh 2 or so years i forget that my skill is in lineart and i try to paint everything and i hate mysel #and then #i try just a crisp black and white lineart picture #and it's like oh wow this is actually fun and looks nice its almost like this is what i'm good at #and i will forget this information and knowledge in about 3 months and go back to struggling with painting #also extremely likely that ireena is dead unless the party pulls some crazy wish shenanigans #sank my own damn ship

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theood · 1 month ago

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It might just be a lot of things. I really don't know. I don't like not having any energy after work but it staves off a lot of our thought processes but at the same time I don't love it. It's tolerable but I want to be doing something else. I wanna be in the dirt and I want to feel the earth under my feet and I want to know she's listening to me and telling me it's ok and I want to take care of her like she's taken care of me. I want to plant trees and cut back weeds and learn to identify our native plants and I just can't do any of that and make a living. It's not even a volunteer opportunity for me. I'm just some random citizen who didn't even go to school for any of it. And I'm so lonely. I'm the loneliest I've been. I love all my friends online I do. Truly and wholly but it doesn't help the fact that I have no one around me irl. And it hurts. And I'm scared. And I am so small all the time. And I just want it to change.

#elias.zip #i think. that dreamis affecting me a little more than I thought it did. it really exemplified that I feel like everyone sees me as not tryin #g to make connections in my adult life but im in a dead town with an aging population i didnt grow up in or around. i can't find public even #ts that would get me around people my age. I can't drive still to go places anyways and I struggle so fucking with the entire process anyway #s that even with the stars aligned I fuck myself over anyways. I'm too weird. too quiet. too loud. not assertive. weird. weird. weird. werid #. just some fucking crybaby.#everyone's moved on from being anxious but not me. I can't do it. i try and try and try and try and push myself out of my comfort zone but n #obody wants new friends. and my interests are too niche. and i dont fit in and nobody wants to be friends with the baby because all he does #is cry and god I've felt worse moving here than i ever did back at the old house and it feels like I'm never going to get to see what cou #ldve been I'm stuck like this!!#sometimes i really wish i could just leave. leave it all. vanlife or backpack or something and learn why i was made to live as a human. i ju #st want to go back home. I wanna see my packmates again. I'll do better this time. Please. I'm sorry

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crtastrophic · 6 months ago

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of course you have white hyphae and pronouns

#finished T. Kingfisher's What Moves the Dead #a short and entertaining enough read — though I struggled a bit to suspend my disbelief regarding the supposedly historical setting #it wanted to do some interesting things with gender but I'm not sure it pulled it off or what to make of it #I want it to be good but upon further reflection it really isn't. sigh #kitchat #also as with so much art that involves like. personhood and body horror and fundamentally alien ways of perceiving the world—#— I found myself wishing it would have just gone harder somehow #I can't put my finger on How but I'll know it when I see it #honestly the answer might just be Put More Transgender In It #okay edit i think i wanted the characters to suck more. they all felt too wholesome especially in a story based on gothic horror

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purlpeiris · 1 month ago

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2024 was truly sent to try me

#it’s pretty much winning at this point #it’s one thing after a fucking nother #I know it’s ridiculous to think that an arbitrary date will make any difference #so no real point wishing to see the back of 2024 #and in the grand scheme of things nobody is dead #we have a roof over our heads #we can afford to eat #we don’t have it that bad #but the constant struggle to get through every fucking week #with shit being thrown our way all the bloody time #it’s so fucking hard

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orcelito · 2 months ago

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Ok I'm thinking about kabuto backstory again and thinking about how unfair and fucked up it all is like

> be Danzo

> threaten local orphanage mother into returning to being a spy (by threatening the kids there)

> force them to send One Kid too because he "lost a man" while obtaining the intel he's threatening her to spy over (the kid is Kabuto, who volunteered bc he overheard them threatening the mother over this) (Danzo knows he overheard)

> train kabuto to be a spy while orphanage mother is off on her long spy job as well

> bait spy mom with the promise of keeping kabuto safe to keep her agreeing to work with you

> decide they both are too good at their jobs (????) Of being spies (that work for you?????)(they've been loyal this whole time????) So they're too dangerous and both need to die

> keep mom and kid away from each other as kid grows up

> literally DOCTOR FAKE PHOTOS of the kid growing up to make it seem like he looks totally different now???? So she won't recognize him?????

> give her the assassination assignment of killing the Real Kabuto (who she won't recognize) so they'll kill each other

> whoops, Kabuto survived and killed her instead, oh well at least Orochimaru's watching him now

I'm just like. How fucked up is it to threaten these people into working as spies for you "for the good of Konoha", and then decide that these people (who have given NO INDICATION of intending to betray Konoha) are too good at being spies and thus Too Dangerous and should be killed for it. But no he can't just kill them in a normal way. He had to manufacture an entire scenario so that they'd kill EACH OTHER while making the mom not recognize him (with the express purpose of breaking the kid's spirit) like BROOOOOO I know you ordered the whole Uchiha clan to be massacred (conducting genocide for the sake of 'peace') actually now that I think about it he ordered this of itachi. Ordered him to kill his own family. Of course Danzo would get off on making a mother and son kill each other "for the good of Konoha" he's almost fucking cartoon villain level of horrible past the point of logic EXCEPT there really are people this awful that have existed. Plenty of them. And they have also justified it as being "for the good of [nation]" like that's the Thing, he's a war hungry nationalist that has decided He Knows Best so he's going to fuck up SO many people's lives, up to and including his own damn citizens!!!! And this bitch thinks he deserves to be kage?!?!?! Fucking Hiruzen letting him run wild like this. He knew Danzo was stealing children and indoctrinating them into a murder cult (where, keep in mind, he purposefully raises kids in pairs so they view each other as family AND THEN ORDERS THEM TO KILL EACH OTHER)(AGAIN!!!! with the family killing, what is his PROBLEM) but Hiruzen just let it fucking happen. Spineless fucking piece of shit. He fucked Naruto up he fucked Orochimaru up he fucked up Royally with Danzo like come ONNNNNNNNNN

Rattling the bars of my cage rn at how awful Danzo is and how he was able to just. DO THIS???? I know the bitch is dead but he's not dead enough. Give me the glock.

#speculation nation #fanny watches naruto #sorry im just losing my mind over this. this changes EVERYTHING with kabuto #and you know i already hated danzo so much. but i just now realized his fucking obsession with making family members kill each other #it's probably for the sake of 'killing their emotions' which he sees as necessary to become a good ninja (*cough* a good tool for the state)#im kicking danzo's head in as we speak. the skull. or whatever was left after he exploded. probably nothing much actually.#it's not good enough I NEED TO KILL HIM SO BADDDDD HE NEEDS TO BE DOUBLE DEAD TRIPLE DEAD #QUADRUPLE OR PERHAPS EVEN INFINITY DEAD.#sets up an infinite time loop of me killing Danzo just to make sure hes super super super super dead #YELLING SCREAMING I HATE DANZO SO MUCHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!#honestly as much as i loved sasuke killing danzo i wish itd happened later.#bc danzo's stinky fingers were in so many pies. he was set up as this horrible mastermind #and then he dies... what... 2/5ths into shippuden?? and what do we have now. cringefail sadboy decided to kill the world for his fantasies?#weird alien goddess?? bc all the world's struggles were clearly bc of an alien instead of any human fault???? or something?????#idk i havent gotten that far yet. but thats what ive gathered from online.#for as wonderful of characters as kishimoto writes he really isnt that great at overall plot.#compelling world. fascinating interactions. cool fights and mechanics.#unfortunately he set up a guy to be a big bad and he died before even halfway through and now we have to watch several hundred episodes #of the most Ninjas One Upping Each Other In Make Believe plotlines ever #like the 'i hit you' 'well i have a shield that blocks hits' 'well i hit you with a sword that cuts through anything'#'well i cast a spell before you hit me that makes me invulnerable to attacks' etc etc COME ON MAN it gets so BORING.#i miss the good old days of sakura fighting sasori. now shes sidelined to the medic tents bc shes a poor vulnerable medic or w/e #idk some parts of this is cool. but so much of it is unsatisfying. like the bijuu battle??? come on.#naruto making friends with kurama was great. the fight with all the jinchuuriki was pretty boring.#like come on this is supposed to be a Big Deal. aaaand what do we have now? another fucking bijuu bomb.#oh wait theyre all casting the bijuu bomb together!!! no worries naruto is making a bijuu bomb of the same exact size #so they counteract and shoot into the stratosphere and theres a Big Boom! wow! so original!#yawn. yawn especially at the madara vs kages fight. at least im enjoying the uchiha bros vs kabuto fight.

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daz4i · 2 months ago

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thinks "hm i'm craving some home made cake i should make some cake". gets up out of bed. agonizing pain. yet another way in which this wretched body of mine keeps itself from experiencing any joy..

#i woke up with the left side of the lower half of my body hurting to the point i struggle to like. even sit up let alone stand or walk #so that's fun! needless to say i stayed at home today 🥲 didn't even get out of bed beyond basic short stuff #i just simply forgot abt the pain after being in bed for a few hours...... then standing up it hit me again 😔💔#this is so annoying. bc. lying down is breaking my back atp. i'm doing it way too much lately #either bc of depression or other forms of pain that make it hard to walk lol 🥲#hate this body fr fr frrrrrrr i wish it was dead #vent #negative //#anyway does anyone know any tips for. i assume it's hip muscle cramps?? bc this feels like the core of it #it hurts more than regular muscle cramps but that may be just bc of what body part it's affecting idk.

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makkie-is-screaming · 4 months ago

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Depressive spiral oncoming. Can’t stand without my vision going out. Relapsed and it’s infected. Loosing time. I have lost momentum and I don’t know how to get back into motion.

#Head hurts can’t sleep bad anxiety #waking up wishing I was dead again just when I thought I could get better #hating on someone I’ve never met because I feel like she replaced me (she’s a sweet girl I’m just a jealous bitch)#the anger is coming back and I don’t know what to do with it #I’m struggling to talk or message people again #screaming

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piplupod · 7 months ago

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will i get in trouble if i make a joke about wanting to hire a hitman (not seriously asking but now i AM a little curious actually LMAO)

#i am so............... sigh.#trying to be so good about this whole situation but jesus christ i am close to tears i am just so fucking tired of it all #can my mother be normal about my generation struggling to make ends meet and fat people just existing for like. five minutes. please.#those are her two favourite groups of ppl to complain about endlessly and i am so fucking tired of it #even worse is that she does it in a way of like ''oh im just concerned :) you should all be taking better care of yourselves''#i think i would rather she come right out and say she thinks we're all stupid and awful and wastes of space #anyways here's to another day of having complex feelings about Le Abuser and wishing she was Not Existing while also not wanting her dead #head in my hands i wish i could disappear myself #also so fun knowing she thinks my body is disgusting bc of the body hair i have 👍👍👍 really doing great today #abuse tw #pippen needs 2nd breakfast

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caterpillarinacave · 1 year ago

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I am having such a not good time

#Like just #errrgh #Special interest juices aren’t working #And I haven’t created anything lately and I don’t know why #Like I know I’m a decent writer at least I’ve won stuff for my writing before and really view it as a craft #but I’ve been feeling very discouraged #Plus I haven’t been taking great care of myself becuase I’ve had a lot of executive dysfunction #Which I usually don’t have much trouble with at all so this is new #Plus I’m the therapist friend and I don’t have a therapist becuase they scare me so the closest I get to sharing that I’m struggling is vag #Rants in the tumblr tags #Also i probably need to go back to the doctor and get more tests done and I just really don’t want to #I’m always afraid my doctors are gonna decide I’m faking #I wish I talked to more people on here I really enjoy fandom stuff #Particularly when I’m stressed but frankly the fandom is pretty stressful now and a little dead #Jkjk rant over I’m good now y’all

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