#stony zine

[stevetonyzine]

For those who are always craving something sweet—@acachette manages to perfectly capture every moment of mutual pining between Steve and Tony in this travel AU by @phony-stony!

⚠️ STORE CLOSES THIS WEEKEND! ⚠️

Get your copy of the collaborative fan anthology, "You Gave Me A Home," as well as accompanying merchandise, before we close forever on October 22nd!

✨ stonyzine.bigcartel.com ✨

[bettertogetherzine]

Steve and Tony are spreading the love this Valentine’s Day with Better Together Zine aftersales 💖💙 📆

Mark your calendars for February 14, 2023 @ 10AM PST! Check out the rest of this post for bundle and a la carte details!

DIGITAL BUNDLE

Our Digital Bundle comes with a digital copy of the zine, mobile wallpapers, and emojis!

BETTER TOGETHER BUNDLE

The Better Together bundle includes both a physical and digital copy of the zine, a coloring book, and the adorable emojis and wallpapers! It will also include one random physical merch item based on our stock levels.

DIAMOND BUNDLE

The Diamond Bundle shines with a coloring book, bookmark, prints, multiverse SteveTony stickers, enamel Better Together pin, duet pin, and of course, a physical and digital copy of the zine!  All digital items (wallpapers, emojis) are also included.

ANNIVERSARY BUNDLE

We only have 20 left of our Anniversary Bundle! It includes: coloring book, bookmark, prints, multiverse SteveTony stickers, enamel Better Together pin, keychain charm, duet pin, and of course, a physical and digital copy of the zine! It’s also your last chance to get the tote bag!  All digital items (wallpapers, emojis) are also included.

MERCH ONLY BUNDLE

The Merch Bundle is a new offering, including all of the digital and physical merchandise!

NON-FOIL ZINE

We have some accidental special editions of the physical zine available! Everything is the same, except the covers don’t have foil, but hey sometimes shiny things are overrated.

[stevetonyzine]

Thank you so much to @armellin for contributing such a soft, gorgeous piece to the zine! We were honored to have you as a contributor.

Copies are still available for purchase, but not for long. You can find the zine and more stony merch at our store!

✨ stonyzine.bigcartel.com ✨

All proceeds will be donated to A Chance in Life.

I realised I've never posted this art I did ages ago for the incredible fanfic by @onlymorelove as a part of a cooperation work for @stevetonyzine

The story really is great, I love it very much! The zine itself turned out to be awesome, too :)

[jetblackfeeling]

my piece for a warm light zine from 2 years ago! this was drawn for Fluffypanda's amazing fic "what lies in wait" pls check it out!! thank you so much to the mods, the participants, and everyone who supported this zine, i'm very honored to be a part of it!!

[tifftac]

i can finally post my @warmlightzine piece!!

[dirigibleplumbing]

In Full Color

Fandom: MCU Pairings: Steve/Tony Rating: G

Tags: Soulmates, Getting Together, NYC, MoMa, Museum Dates, Flirting, Happy Ending

For the @warmlightzine.

Summary: A 2012-fandom-vibes fic in which people gain color vision on meeting their soulmate—but Steve's been able to see in color since the serum.

read the fic on ao3

[moon-language-0]

10 Questions for Writers

wasn't gonna do this bc i thought nobody probably really cares about this stuff but since i got double tagged by @meidui and @sunnysideprincess here goes nothing:

1. how many works do you have on AO3?

32 and climbing!

2. what’s your total AO3 word count?

ugh i had to go into my stats to find this number (hate looking at stats) but to my surprise that number is a whopping 816,828! (if added to my ff.net word count that figure grows to 1,062,375 🤯)

3. what fandoms do you write for?

stony exclusively, though i opened up to the idea of writing for steve and/or tony paired with any mcu villain for marvel trumps hate, and now i'm writing a steve/loki (with steve/tony as endgame) fic that's more fun than i would've anticipated! (x) still wouldn't call myself a "multishipper," though -- more of a serial shipping monogamist ;)

4. do you respond to comments? why or why not?

i do! sometimes i'm a bit slow to respond for various reasons (e.g. when people angels comment on my WIPs i like to reply when/right before a new chapter drops), and on a few occasions i've belatedly encountered comments that i forgot to reply to (😱) that i'll immediately rectify, but i very much want to encourage people to keep leaving them. a single comment—even short/sweet ones!—can be like rocket fuel to my creative drive -- and as someone who finds myself running on empty and trying to get by solely on fumes from time to time, getting that boost in my inbox is truly priceless.

5. have you ever had a fic stolen?

not in whole but in part :(

6. have you ever co-written a fic before?

i don't even know how that would work!

7. what’s your all-time favorite ship?

currently steve/tony. once upon a time it was spock/kirk, and the flame burned so brightly that it troubles me to wonder how it ever managed to go out. i collected vintage zines. i made insanely thoughtful fanmixes (one of which i recorded onto cassette tapes one-at-a-time by hand through a painstaking process and distributed to a few like-minded folks, with hand-drawn cover art and liner notes!). i read AMAZING fic that changed my brain and yet i never wrote a single thing! i made a secret spacehusbands clubhouse underneath a pool table during one long and otherwise unhappy summer. i even made spirk-themed patches and pins that sold quite well on etsy, and turned one of my large back pieces into the central design of a fully decked-out jacket (which was made specifically to wear while loitering around disneyland while baked). here's some photographic evidence of all of the above:

8. what are your writing strengths?

smut-crafting is the obvious answer, but i flatter myself to think that i also manage to tap into a particular kind of haunted beauty that hovers about, casting its ethereal moon-shadow over all the most poignant relationships; something i've been obsessed with in life, that i'm compelled to pursue further in writing.

9. what are your writing weaknesses?

keeping it short. my punctuation can get pretty erratic sometimes. also, this might be a cop-out of an answer since it can be interpreted as a 'strength' but it really can throw me for a loop: i tend to let the characters tell the story 'they' want to tell rather than keeping a tight hold on the reins and sticking to my own agenda -- this can lead me off my intended course, for better or worse! as a storyteller i'm a bit of a pushover—always open to sudden inspiration wherever it might issue from—and steve and tony are such *strong* personalities that this openness can be a problem when i 'channel' them.

10. first fandom you wrote for?

harry potter. i was a bit of a snapewife for awhile there (don't judge). ff.net has been having some server issues so i recently logged back on to download my 245k unfinished epic from 2012, and found over a thousand people had left comments! some people were calling it a "masterpiece" and/or "the best fic [they] ever read [for that pairing]" which made me doubtful, so i skimmed over some of the story expecting it to be cringey but uhhh... it actually holds up? i mean, 2011/12 was quite a time for me: i was simultaneously finishing my thesis on "fandom, fanaticism, and religious fervor" and can recall having full-on religious experiences of my own while writing that [truly 'inspired'] fic, so i guess i was onto something after all!

some of these folks have already been tagged but i'm whispering a soft 'hello' into the ears of @carsonian, @soliloquent-stark, @pia-bartolini, @avengersnewb, @tinystark616 & all writers who aren't as averse to mirror-gazing as i can be

[nativemossy]

Pencil Shavings and Ashen Boots

I can finally share with you all my submission for @stevetonyzine - now public on Ao3! This was a wonderful project and a great group of folks to work with. If you supported the zine thank you! If you’re interested in getting one for yourself and didn’t make it to the first kickstarter, there will be a leftover sale starting 6/16!

summary:  Mr. Stark invites the local firehouse crew to spend the afternoon with his class. He really wasn't expecting the Captain to be as handsome and charming as he turned out to be.

fandom: Marvel - Iron Man, Captain America

rating: Gen

tags: Teacher!Tony Stark, Firefighter!Steve Rogers, Getting Together, AU: No Powers, Fluff, Humor, Tony Stark Has a Heart

length: 2k

Read it here on Ao3!

[stevetonyzine]

Another beautifully-written short fiction piece from our zine. Thank you to @kiyaar​ for writing it!

Leftover Sales Open— Last Chance to grab a Zine and support our charity!

✨  CHECK IT OUT: stonyzine.bigcartel.com  ✨  

fic: I am one with what I am

title: I Am One With What I Am author: kiyaar pairing: steve/tony universe: 616 rating: T word count: 3.4k summary: 

After the mess in Washington, Steve and Tony try to carve out a little life for themselves, a place to heal, out of the spotlight.

If only the original Tony’s shadow wasn't permanently between them. written for @stevetonyzine!! art by @gen-syz-art!!

Is he here? says God, as if Tony is a jailer. He holds a newspaper over his head as it drizzles, looking like he's slouched all the way from Janet Van Dyne's loft to the Village. Steve has been up with the sun. He's either sleeping, or on his second pack of Camels on the fire escape. God will have to wait. Tony is so proud of himself, for smiling. For his congeniality. He has presented in his most un-Tony-like incarnation: an oversized cable-knit sweater, hipster glasses, Fryes. He fixes himself a virtual drink, a neat double that appears in his hand instantaneously. God looks sullen and tired, and Steve keeps bad beer in the fridge. The impulse to ruin God the way God has ruined his lover is tantalizing. Tony walks him through their small corner of the world: the half-done kitchen that Steve is always 'getting around to,' the living room with bare walls. It's a far cry from the places Steve's chosen for himself in the past – lofty open-concept things, bare brick. It is one in a series of choices Steve has made to keep himself small. God's attention lingers on the collection of half-painted canvases covered in an ugly plaid sheet laid against the wall in the hallway. I don't want to make it worse, says God, as if they are the same. As if he, the original, is not a traitor in every conceivable fashion. A plain golden band shines on his finger. What a luxury, to be so fucking wasteful. Too late, Tony tells him.

read the rest on ao3

[kayawolfhorse]

Enter: the End?

My piece for @trafficzine! Check out the full zine for the properly formatted version.

—☾—

FADE IN:

EXT. SECRET KEEPER — MID-DAY

WE OPEN with a greyscale montage of the events leading up to the scene.

SCOTT sacrifices himself to GEM against the SECRET KEEPER’s stony shroud. GEM lowers her head, grief briefly savored, before taking position on top of the boulders that make up the SECRET KEEPER’s shoulders, shooting at the faraway figures of SCAR and PEARL. GEM’s eyes shine, but her mouth is set in a hard, determined line. With one last release of an arrow, GEM steps off the rock, slings her bow across her back, and breaks into a run.

CUT TO:

EXT. OPEN FIELD — AFTERNOON

WE’RE SHOWN an establishing shot of the grassy field behind the SECRET KEEPER. Its surface slopes in gentle hills and the far end borders the lake. Various bases can be seen ringing the edges. The sky overhead is clear, but the early winter air brings a bite.

GEM, a general lacking her army, a red name with mismatched eyes, trudges forward, stopping at the center of the field beside a gnarled oak tree.

GEM

(To herself)

I don’t think I can fight Pearl. I think Pearl wins this.

In the distance, PEARL and SCAR are splotches of red and black.

GEM

Pearl has a lot of hearts.

GEM holds her SHIELD closer to her body and tightens her grip on her SWORD as she watches PEARL, a fiercely loyal ally turned teamless, and SCAR, a smooth-tongued salesman with nothing to lose, draw closer. The pair sports matching bloodlust on their faces, eager to end this.

GEM straightens up. She loosens the tension from her shoulders and steadies the tremble in her hands. GEM knows that this may very well be her demise. She doesn’t plan on going down without a fight.

PEARL stops at the top of the squat hill GEM is standing beneath, and raises her BOW. Her expression is layered as she aims at her friend-turned-foe, her exhale a puff of steam. PEARL has chosen her victor, and she’ll do whatever it takes to make sure he wins.

PEARL

Don’t make me do this, Gem!

PEARL shoots, and GEM ducks behind the tree with a grunt.

GEM

Pearl! I’m not making you do anything!

PEARL

You’re making me do this right now!

PEARL continues to shoot as GEM sprints away.

GEM

What are you doing? We were friends!

PEARL:

(Overlapping)

I don’t know! I don’t know, Gem!

GEM twists to the side and throws an ENDER PEARL, and after a moment she disappears in a poof of purple particles, teleported into the lake. GEM swims up and breaks the surface at shore, SCAR running up to meet her.

SCAR

(Through a sharp grin)

Hi, Gem!

GEM strikes SCAR with her sword, her motions quick and brutal. SCAR stumbles, but is fast to recover. Their swords clash together as they exchange blows, whittling down each other’s rows of hearts. PEARL races to join the action.

PEARL

Gem, do you wanna sword this out with me right now?

SCAR and GEM continue their fight. GEM’s sword snags against SCAR’s poncho and tears the fabric. SCAR grimaces as the blade reaches flesh, and deep red stains the poncho darker.

PEARL

(With a shrug)

Oh, you’re gonna sword this out with Scar right now.

GEM’s WOLVES charge into battle in defense of their master, biting at SCAR’s heels. PEARL leaps into the fray, landing in front of GEM, her sword clanging against GEM’s shield. PEARL darts to GEM’s side to slice at her unprotected flank, and SCAR draws back in at the front.

GEM

(Scoffing)

2 vs 1? Oh, you guys are gross.

GEM retreats, throwing down LAVA in her wake. The edges of it lick at her cape, and GEM must use her WATER BUCKET to extinguish herself.

SCAR continues his pursuit, getting momentarily caught in the spilt water, but it doesn’t slow him for long. With a long sweep of the arm, SCAR thrusts his sword forward, stealing more of GEM’s hearts with a stab.

GEM

You guys are gross!

GEM meets SCAR’s next move with a parry of her own, PEARL standing off to the side, close enough to provide backup if needed, but letting GEM and SCAR fight. SCAR’s next attempt lands, and a sharp gasp is forced from GEM’s throat. GEM staggers back a step, and SCAR uses the opportunity to close the distance between them, slashing once, twice, three times. GEM’s moves become desperate as she returns the blows but is unable to block, taking as many hits as she lands.

PEARL

C’mon Scar, you've got this. You’ve got this!

With a final arc of his sword, SCAR defeats GEM, the remainder of her hearts depleted. WE SEE thunder CRACK across the cloudless sky and WE HEAR thunder BOOM as GEM’s body vanishes.

CUT TO:

INT. COTTAGE — AFTERNOON

For SCAR and PEARL, the game is not yet over. But for GEM, her time has come; lives bled dry.

WE SEE a brief flash of GEM’s cottage interior, empty and eerie, that pulls out through the window into an OVERVIEW of the surrounding area, SWEEPING ACROSS the cherry blossom grove, its cottages and farms marred by destruction, before PANNING OUT to the rest of the server. The camera ZOOMS IN on the SECRET KEEPER, shrouded in shadow despite the sun, and with one final thunderous BOOM, the screen FADES TO BLACK.

FADE OUT:

[southernsolarpunk]

Hey check this out

I was making a zine (solarpunk ofc) and decided to use a bunch of old National Geographic magazines to cut up and use in a scrappy diy scrapbook fashion and of course I started reading them. This one in particular:

It caught my eye because it’s from September 1980 & talks about the Middle East. My brain wonders if they mention Palestine and they do! I copied the text for accessibility, but I put pictures at the end of the original pages.

“Jerusalem: reunited or occupied? The question has divided the city's 400,000 Jews and 100,000 Arabs since Israel annexed East Jerusalem in 1967.

BEIRUT, JANUARY 1975. Armed soldiers lead me through labyrinthine back streets, up a dark stairway to a midnight rendez-vous. Only a bare bulb lights the temporary command post; Yasir Arafat, chairman of the Palestine Liberation Organization, seldom dares spend two days in the same place. “Our argument is not with the Jews” He tells me. "We are both Semites. They have lived with us for centuries. Our enemies are the Zionist colonizers and their backers who insist Palestine belongs to them exclusively.

We Arabs claim deep roots there too."

Two decades ago Palestinians were to be found in United Nations Relief Agency camps at places like Gaza and Jericho, in a forlorn and pitiable state. While Palestinian spokesmen pressed their case in world cap-itals, the loudest voice the world heard was that of terrorists, with whom the word Palestinian came to be associated. Jordan fought a war to curb them. The disintegration of Lebanon was due in part to the thousands of refugees within its borders.

Prospects for peace brightened, however, when President Anwar Sadat of Egypt, most powerful of the Arab countries, made his historic trip to Israel in November 1977. A year later Sadat and Israeli Prime Minister Menachem Begin signed the Camp David accords, a framework for the return of the occupied Sinai Peninsula to Egypt.

The former enemies established diplomatic relations and opened mail, telephone, and airline communications.

The Camp David accords also addressed the all-important Palestinian question but left it vague. Sadat insists that any lasting peace depends on an eventual Palestinian homeland in the Israeli-occupied West Bank and Gaza. Israel agrees to limited autonomy for those regions, but, fearful of a new and hostile Palestinian state suddenly planted on its borders, insists that Israeli troops must maintain security there.

Crowded Rashidiyah refugee camp, set among orange groves south of the ancient Phoenician port of Tyre in Lebanon, lies on the front lines. Frequent pounding by Israeli military jets and warships seeking PLO targets has war-hardened its population, some 13,700 Palestinians.

At the schoolyard I watched a solemn flag raising. Uniformed ashbal, or lion cubs, stood rigid as color guards briskly ran up the green-white-and-black Palestinian flag.

Ranging in age from 8 to 12, they might have been Cub Scouts— except for the loaded rifles they held at present arms. Behind them stood two rows of girls, zaharat, or little flowers. Same age, same weapons.

Over lunch of flat bread, hummus, yo-gurt, and chicken I commented to my hosts, a group of combat-ready fedayeen, that 30 years of bitter war had settled nothing nor gained the Palestinians one inch of their homeland. Was there no peaceful way to press their cause?

"Yes, and we are doing it. Finally, after 30 years, most countries in the United Nations recognize that we too have rights in Palestine. But we feel that until your country stops its unconditional aid to Israel, we have two choices: to fight, or to face an unmarked grave in exile."

AFTER CROSSING the Allenby Bridge from Amman, I drove across the fertile Jordan Valley through Arab Jericho and past some of the controversial new Jewish settlements: Mitzpe Jericho, Tomer, Maale Adumim, Shilat. Then as I climbed through the steep stony hills to Jerusalem, I saw that it too had changed. A ring of high-rise apartments and offices was growing inexorably around the occupied Arab side of the walled town. Within the wall, too, scores of Arab houses had been leveled during extensive reconstruction.

"Already 64 settlements have been built on the West Bank," said a Christian Palestinian agriculturist working for an American church group in Jerusalem. "And another 10 are planned," he said. Unfolding a copy of the master plan prepared in 1978 by the World Zionist Organization, he read: "Real-izing our right to Eretz-Israel... with or without peace, we will have to learn to live with the minorities...

The Israeli Government has reaffirmed the policy. In Prime Minister Menachem Begin's words: "Settlement is an inherent and inalienable right. It is an integral part of our national security."

"Security" is a word deeply etched into the Israeli psyche. The country has lived for 30 years as an armed camp, always on guard against PLO raids and terrorist bombings.

Whenever such incidents occur, the response is quick: even greater retaliation.

In Jerusalem I met with David Eppel, an English-language broadcaster for the Voice of Israel. "We must continue to build this country. Israel is our lawful home, our des-tiny. We have the determination, and an immense pool of talent, to see it through." His cosmopolitan friends a city plan-ner, a psychology professor, an author gathered for coffee and conversation at David's modern apartment on Jerusalem's Leib Yaffe Road.

Amia Lieblich's book, Tin Soldiers on Jerusalem Beach, studies the debilitating effects almost constant war has had on life in the Jewish state, a nation still surrounded by enemies. As she and her husband kindly drove me to my hotel in Arab Jerusalem afterward, some of that national apprehension surfaced in the writer herself.

"We don't often come over to this part of town," she said. "Especially at night."

I DROVE OUT of the Old City in the dark of morning and arrived a few hours later at the nearly finished Israeli frontier post, whence a shuttle bus bounced me through no-man's-land to the Egyptian ter-minal. As a result of the Egyptian-Israeli treaty, it was possible for the first time since 1948 to travel overland from Jerusalem to Cairo. An Egyptian customs man opened my bags on a card table set up in the sand. I took a battered taxi into nearby El Arish, to a sleepy bank that took 45 minutes to convert dollars into Egyptian pounds, Then 1 hired a Mercedes for the

200-mile run across the northern Sinai des-ert, the Suez Canal, and the Nile Delta. By sundown Cairo was mine.

Despite official government optimism, I found many in Cairo worried that President Sadat's bold diplomatic gestures might fail.

The city was noticeably tense as Israel officially opened its new embassy on Mohi el-Din Abu el-Ez Street in Cairo's Dukki quarter. Black-uniformed Egyptian troops guarded the chancery and nearby intersections as the Star of David flew for the first time in an Arab capital. Across town, police with fixed bayonets were posted every ten feet around the American Embassy. Others were posted at the TV station and the larger hotels. Protests were scattered, mostly peaceful. None disturbed the cadence of the city.

Welcoming ever larger delegations of tourists and businessmen from Europe and the U.S., Cairo was busier than ever-and more crowded. Despite a building boom, many Egyptians migrating from the countryside, perhaps 10,000 a month, still find housing only by squatting among tombs at the City of the Dead, the huge old cemetery on the southeast side of the capital.

Even with the new elevated highway and wider bridge across the Nile, half-hour traffic standstills are common. Commuters arrive at Ramses Station riding even the roofs of trains, then cram buses until axles break.

Cairo smog, a corrosive blend of diesel fumes and hot dust from surrounding des-erts, rivals tear gas.

Despite the rampant blessings of prog-ress, Cairo can still charm. In the medieval Khan el-Khalili bazaar near Cairo's thousand-year-old Al-Azhar University, I sought out Ahmad Saadullah's sidewalk café. I found that 30 piasters (45 cents) still brings hot tea, a tall water pipe primed with tobacco and glowing charcoal, and the latest gossip. The turbaned gentleman on the carpeted bench opposite was unusually talk-ative; we dispensed with weather and the high cost of living and got right to politics:

"Of course I am behind President Sadat, but he is taking a great risk. The Israelis have not fully responded. If Sadat fails, no other Arab leader will dare try for peace again for a generation."

Across town at the weekly Akhbar El-Yom newspaper, one of the largest and most widely read in the Middle East, chief editor Abdel-Hamid Abdel-Ghani drove home that same point.

"What worries me most is that President Sadat's agreement with Israel has isolated Egypt from our brother nations," he told me. "When Saudi Arabia broke with us, it was a heavy loss. The Saudis are our close neighbors. Now they have canceled pledges for hundreds of millions in development aid to Egypt. Some 200,000 Egyptians-teach-ers, doctors, engineers live and work in the kingdom.

"And Saudi Arabia, guardian of the holy cities of Mecca and Medina, remains for Muslim Egypt a spiritual homeland."

This magazine was published before my mom was born, and yet the sentiments have basically unchanged. An interesting look at the past, and more proof this didn’t start October 7th. (But imagine my followers already knew that)

[stevetonyzine]

Do AIs have the ability to love, or are they simply complex programming? This is the question @kiyaar explores in this Earth-616 fic, accompanied by @gen-syz-art's striking artwork.

⌛STORE CLOSES IN THREE HOURS! Grab a copy of the zine and accompanying merchandise now before we close up shop forever!

✨ stonyzine.bigcartel.com ✨

All profits will be donated to achanceinlife.org 🌎

[bettertogetherzine]

📢 Grab your Better Together SteveTony zine bundle while you still can!

📅 Aftersales ENDS this Friday, March 31st @ 12PM PST

🔗 stevetonyzine.bigcartel.com

[meidui]

@laurettetsr translated my warm light zine fic into vietnamese!! here's the link if anyone would like to read it 🥰🥰

[sarriane]

an update

hi everyone! sorry i have disappeared, lots of things have been happening.

moved across the state with my dog into my first apartment.

binged good omens s2 in one day because it came out the day before i moved.

started grad school (MA in english).

started teaching freshman composition/writing (and it's awful).

i'm revising my iron man paper? which is weird to revisit now that i'm not in mcu fandom reading stony fic every night.

was quoted in DWM's june pride issue talking about my thoughts about queer women in dr who, which was insane.

wrote some things for fanzines: more VNA book review fun in TARDIS, and a five/ainley fic for @77yearsteam's The History Between Us zine - which you can preorder soon!

laid in bed every night low key freaking out about school and try to distract myself with the internet.

it's fine.

anyways

started watching star wars chronologically, but cherry picking the tv shows.

this post will now sit here until the next time i have the time to brave tumblr! this is for whenever someone's like "what is sarah up to these days?" the answer is, questioning my weird 9 yr dream to go to grad school. but whatever.

[miss-tc-nova]

Org. XIII Awful Co-Workers?

“Interview” #2 I did for the Kingdom Haute zine. I had a lot of fun with this one. 

~~~~~

Have you ever looked at the sassy, confident, admittedly-sexy Organization XIII and wished you could stand among their rank? Don’t we all? Well, according to our newest source, you may want to think twice before donning that black coat and giving up your heart in servitude to Kingdom Hearts.

We at Kingdom Haute were recently contacted by a reliable, anonymous, member of the Organization itself who has done the honors of ranking who’s the worst of the worst to work with.

13. Xion – The Secret Manipulator

“By far, Xion is the easiest to get along with, but you can bet you’re a** she’s not innocent. Deny that girly what she wants, she’ll guilt you with the biggest puppy eyes you’ve ever seen. And if that don’t work, she’ll turn on Lexaeus and I don’t think he’s ever told her no.”

12. Lexaeus – The Guilt Tripper

“Man’s got a stony disposition. Won’t say anything if you do something wrong, but he just stares until the guilt eats you up. He’s got a soft spot for the younger ones though and they’ve all learned how to get anything from him, even at the expense of others.”

11. Xemnas – The Judgmental

“Boss-Man himself is probably one of the more bearable ones. Still, he’s as bad as Lexaeus if he catches you slacking off. The way he stares is unnerving, like a cat watching their next meal.”

10. Zexion – The Emo Teen

“That guy knows how to brood. Everything that comes from his mouth is some soliloquy of how existence sucks. I’m like ninety percent sure he only became a Nobody to add to his tragic backstory.”

9. Xaldin – The Nice Guy

“I thought them d*mn Pot Scorpion were toxic, but Xaldin’s got some issues. Guy’s just nasty and pessimistic all the time. I like taking candy from kids, but he takes it to a whole ‘nother level, you know. Not satisfied until the kid’s already got thousands of dollars of student loans in pre-school.”

8. Luxord – The Game Freak

“You ever had to pee so bad only to have someone stop you to guess what number they’re thinking of? No? Lucky you. Everything is a game to Luxord, even walking down the hall. And he cheats. But if you don’t play, you get to spend the next hour as one of his stupid cards, so I hope you didn’t have any plans.”

7. Demyx – The Man Child

“Demyx is actually pretty chill, but he’s got a whole bucket of loose bolts if you know what I mean. Man can burn toast and you can’t leave him in charge of anything. Xemnas must’ve been desperate to let him join the Organization. But he acts just like the kids, even cheering if he hears the words ‘ice cream.’”

6. Roxas – The Angry Puppy

“Speaking of ice cream, this kid’s got an enormous sweet tooth, but he’s definitely not made of sugar. He’ll fight you about everything, even if he’s completely wrong. I once watched him jump out a third story window because Saïx told him not to. Gotta give him props though; he told Saïx to go to hell and didn’t hesitate for even a second.”

5. Vexen – The Nagging

“I’ve gotta give it to this guy: he makes walking around with a stick up his a** look easy. You’d think that he made the rules around here. To be honest, he probably did since Xemnas doesn’t really give a hoot as long as our work gets done.”

4. Axel – The Bad Influence

“Xion and Roxas are pretty manageable, even together, but you throw this hot head into the mix and something is bound to end up on fire. I don’t think Saïx is ever gonna let him live down the time he accidentally set Vexen on fire with actual flaming Ch**tos.”

3. Saïx – The Kiss A**

“That brown-noser is next by the way. I swear he’s got some sort of crush on Xemnas. He’s like some sort of love sick puppy, following the leader around and enforcing the rules harder than Vexen, especially if Xemnas is around. Good luck enjoying anything with him around.”

2. Larxene – The B*tch

“Crossing that viper is one of the last things you wanna do. But at the same time, when aren’t you crossing her? You so much as sneeze and she gets all ticked off and threatens to stab your other eye.”

1. Marluxia – The Big B*tch

“Yeah, the other half of the B*tch Duo. He’s the worst of ‘em all. Walks around like he owns the place and we’re all just side characters. Everything is beneath him and he gets what he wants when he wants it. He once dragged Demyx out of the bathroom by his hair because the idiot forgot it was Marly’s shower hour. And you can forget about asking him to clean his hair out of the drain. He’s nasty and demanding and he knows it. But d*mn if he doesn’t look good doing it.”

~~~~~

Nova’s Kingdom Hearts Masterlist