#still wish I had more of a galaxy brain to think about the weird stuff those demons do on a daily basis

[luminari-mc]

I'm glad you're doing okay. I'm doing okay myself. Been sleeping late but that's because I procrastinate stuff again 😅

And yay! I can't wait to read your next work! Among all the stories and fanfictions that I like, I like reading random headcanons without specific themes the most. Makes me feel like I'm 'living' with the brothers and observing their bittersweet interaction with each other.

📷

Same hat here for bad sleeping schedule! Living during the night is very comfortable though.

I love those a lot, sometimes I'll have very weird ideas coming to mind that can't be used for prompts or long stories and I just pile them into a little list that'll serve as headcanon fodder.

[queen-of-the-night-lights]

Beautiful (Omega x Mom!Reader x Bad Batch)

A/N: So, I have been seeing all of these other stories with a few scenes of the reader being a mom towards Omega and then the rest of the story being with a member of the batch. While I love those my brain went “ Give this little girl done love and support” and I came up with this story which is basically Omega and the reader just hanging out by themselves. ( I also left the ending open so you can imagine the batch member of your choosing😉)

Warnings: None/fluff

Plot: The reader does Omegas make-up for the first time.

“ What are you doing?” The young girl asked innocently. She caused you to jump slightly, it has taken a while to get used to a new voice around the ship. “ People on this planet wear a large amount of make-up so I decided to wear some while I go out to get food and supplies. Here I would stand out much more if I didn’t wear any, opposed to if I did.” You explained brushing on some finishing touches. Meanwhile Omega just watched you, she has never seen anything even close to what you were doing, but then again she didn’t know much about anything outside Kamino.

When you finished you turned to the child and asked “ What do you think?” She smiled and said “ It looks good. A little weird because you look a little different, but still good.” She gave a soft chuckle “ Well thank you, I appreciate your honesty.” Just as you were about to put your makeup away Omega chimed in “ Can I try some on?” You turned back to the girl as she gave you a curious and pleading look. With a small smile on your face you approved with a “ Sure. Come sit down.”

You stood up from your vanities chair to let her sit in it hoping it would make her feel special, in some weird way that’s how you thought of the chair. Pulling a stool close so that you could sit while helping her. “ Lets see...” You said studying Omegas face, you didn’t want to put too much makeup on her since this is probably her first time putting anything on her face. While doing this you noticed many qualities she did share with other clones, making Techs statement a few weeks ago resonate with you. She of course was very different from Regs just like the rest of the batch was, but little traits here and there are where you can tell they are related.

“ Okay so, since I don’t want to put too much on you just incase you have a poor reaction to the makeup, we are just going to do yours a little lighter than mine.” You explained and she nodded in acknowledgment before asking “ What do you mean by reaction?” You then explained how some makeup isn’t compatible with people’s skin and how sometimes people have allergic reactions. After noticing the slight nervousness on the kids face you soothed her by telling her that you only use hypoallergenic makeup and the likelihood of her having a reaction would be very low, but you just want to be careful. After that reasoning she seemed to have gone back to her usual curious nature. “ So usually we would start with foundation, that this part that covers the entire face...” you gestured a circle around yours as you continued “ ...but since I don’t have your exact skin tone of foundation , we are going to use this powder.”

Showing her the brush and translucent powder. “ Now let me know at anytime if you are uncomfortable. Then I will stop and we will make sure everything is okay.” With that you started gently brushing the powder along her face. She giggled at first “ It tickles.” You smiled at her adorable laugh “ Yes it does at first, but I need you to try to hold still the best you can okay?” She then nodded and you continued. The brush was big and soft she had never felt anything like it before. It was a nice feeling as you gently brushed and stippled along her face. You then decided to skip the eye shadow primer and things such as that. Those are for another time when you could teach her longer and had more makeup for her to try.

“ Next, I’m going to have you close your eyes and we are going to use this brush with these two colors and put them right on your eyelids. After that I’m going to wet this brush and put a little line of eyeliner on. That’s this around the base of my eyelashes.” You explained closing your own eyes. She smiled and closed her eyes trusting you not to hurt her. You and the boys always made sure that she was comfortable, no matter what. However there was this different feeling she had towards you than with the others. While she trusted them and loved being around them, there was this different kind of feeling of care you gave off. Maybe it was that “mother” feeling the others told her you had. You just seemed to know the right thing to say and how to say it. You also knew exactly what everyone needed when sometimes they didn’t know themselves.

“ (Y/N), can I ask you something?” As you switched colors you replied in a calm yet reassuring tone “ Of course.” “ How did you learn to do makeup?” You smiled at her question as memories started to fill your head. Taking a breath you explained “ I used to watch my mom. My mother she was, beautiful. With or without make up she had the ability it make a transport ship stop in its tracks. She had these two friends and sometimes they would all put their makeup on together before they would go out. They had this setup where they would put all their mirrors, like this one, all together in a row in front of this huge window we had at my family’s house. And from there I would watch them and think ‘ I can not wait until I am old enough to play with this stuff.’ “ As you finished your story you told Omega to open her eyes and instructed her on the next step. “ It’s all coming together now! This next part is a little scary, but I promise I will not poke you in the eye. I’m going to take this mascara wand and gently put this on your eyelashes.” Omega nodded an okay, then you explained “ Okay, I’m going to need to open your eyes really really wide and look right here.”

You pointed right at where your neck meets your collar bone and quickly put on the mascara. You remember how uncomfortable you were the first time you had it put on for you. Omega seemed a little more relieved after you put it on as well. She then blinked and fluttered her eyes as they adjusted to the new sensation. She then looked back up to you with your soft smile still adorned on your face and asked “ Do you think I’m pretty?” A little taken back you then confidently answered “ Yes Omega, you are very pretty. You have these big, round, and bright eyes, a cute nose...” you said giving her a light tap on her nose to emphasize your point. That caused her to scrunch it up and let out a little laugh. “ And you have this amazing smile.”

Omega had a small blush creep on to her face as you complimented her. You can’t imagine her life back on Kamino, even though she probably treated differently from the rest, you knew that her life, her beginning of her childhood must have been hard. Yet she almost always seemed happy. “ Alright here’s where the hard decision comes in, for your lips do you want a solid color or something shiny.” You said holding a lipstick and a lipgloss in each hand. “ Definitely the shiny one.” She said pointing to the one in your right hand.

“ Excellent choice! Now I’m going to ask you to make a really weird faces. Kinda make your lips go like this.” Omega then mimicked the pursing of your lips making sure she was doing it right. You always thought it was cute when she would try to do the same actions as you all did in the ship, her favorite person to mimic was Hunter, but you couldn’t blame her. “ Alright, now we blot. We want to make sure that our lipstick or lipgloss doesn’t stick or wear off to easily.” Grabbing a tissue of the vanity and showing her what you wanted her to do. Making you lips form a line and gently putting them together, but not actually putting the tissue in your mouth.

Once Omega finished you stood up and asked “ Are you ready to take a look?” She nodded her head with excitement and you spun the chair around to have her face the mirror. You saw her eyes widen and get bigger, if that was even possible, as they filled with wonder. A small whisper of her exclaiming “ woah” left her as she looked at the makeup you did. A bit of pride and affection towards the girl swelled in your chest as the girl copied the head tilts you did earlier as you finished your own makeup. “ Beautiful.”

She smiled as she continued to admire your work “ Thank you!” She exclaimed with a beaming smile looking up at you. “ You are very welcome, but you have to remember it is never the makeup that makes you look pretty, it’s how you treat others and what is on the inside that makes you beautiful.” When you finished that statement Omega turned the chair around and gave you a hug. With tears pricking your eyes you hugged her back. You felt bad for everyone that lived on Kamino, you remember the first time you hugged the others and they were a little taken back and confused by the gesture. Omega however was different due to her young age and hugged you quite often. You wished her the best in the galaxy and wanted to protect her and your boys, your family from any danger.

The hugged lasted a while but you didn’t care, what the two of you didn’t know was that someone was watching you from the doorway. His heart swelled at the interaction between the two of you. He wasn’t there long, he had only been standing there a few minuets. Everyone seemed to have changed a little when Omega came on to the team, and while you didn’t change as much as the others your personality amplified. The way you are able to take care of them became more noticeable, you just had this amazing way with all of them and your ability to care so much.

Everything you did was amazing, making sure they we’re rested, making sure that they had eaten, that they didn’t overwork themselves, reassuring them when they had doubts, and giving hope. He started feeling different about you after the first few months of you being with them. Back then he didn’t know how to describe what he was feeling, but now he knew. He had fallen in love with you. Seeing you with Omega assured him that you would always be there with his family and that you wouldn’t ever do anything to hurt them. He wanted a life with you, his brothers, and Omega. No one will ever take that dream away from him, ever.

[valdomarx]

La Campanella

McShep + Rodney plays the piano Rodney never could resist a challenge, especially when it’s set by Sheppard.

Atlantis is a place of many wonders, but Rodney's favorite is this:

In a distant part of the northern pier is a short, squat tower which he and Sheppard investigate on a routine patrol.

And in that tower is a large, unassuming room like a lecture hall.

And in the center of the room is an object seven foot long and three feet high, elegant, delicate, and familiar.

“Is that…” Rodney practically runs over to touch it, as reckless as that urge can be in Atlantis, but he knows this isn’t a weapon or a piece of broken technology or some dangerous machine. It’s a thing of beauty.

It’s an instrument remarkably like a piano: white and black reversed, keys slightly different lengths, but the same 12-step configuration making up an octave. Keys which strike strings stretched over a wide frame with soft hammers, and this can’t be a coincidence.

“How... ” he starts, and then he answers his own question. “The Ancients must have invented this instrument and brought the concept with them to Earth. But that would overturn so much musical history they’ll have to rewrite the textbooks, can you even imagine the implications -”

John does not look as fascinated by the profound repercussions of this discovery on the history of western classical music as Rodney is.

He waves questions of history aside and sits on the low stool in front of the keyboard, blowing away the years of accumulated dust. His hands instinctively settle into arches, his wrists loose, and he plays a few simple scales. The notes sound out clear and true, but -

He frowns.

“Something wrong?” Sheppard is leaning over the instrument, studying him and it with interest.

“This is tuned half a tone lower than an Earth piano. Feels a bit weird, that’s all.”

“How do you know that?”

Rodney affects his smuggest smile. “Perfect pitch, obviously.”

“Obviously,” Sheppard says, rolling his eyes.

Rodney looks around the room furtively, keen for reasons he can’t articulate that no one else should observe them, and he starts to play.

-

It becomes a habit, a place to unwind, somewhere they visit on off hours and in quiet moments.

Today Sheppard is flicking through a golf magazine while Rodney warms up with some Bach. The music is pleasing and orderly, and the sparse, bright notes explode in fractal-like patterns, unfurling and changing and becoming more complex the closer you look.

John tilts his head to one side and says, “You know there’s a whole bunch of classical music on the Atlantis server?”

Rodney grins. He did know that, in fact. Never get between a team of scientists and their file sharing. “I may have heard.”

“I listened to some of the Chopin you like. Then some other piano stuff as well.”

“Yeah?” Rodney picks at a fingernail. Something about the idea of John listening to music just because Rodney likes it makes his heart beat a little faster. “Find anything you liked?”

“A bunch actually. Have you heard of a piece called La Campanella? By a guy named Liszt?"

"Have I…" Has he heard of the single hardest piece in the entire solo piano repertoire? The fact he could never get those double stops right haunts him to this day. "Yeah, it rings a bell."

"I like that one," John says decisively. "It's nice."

Nice??? Sheppard thinks the most epic and demanding piece of all time is nice? Of course he does.

"You should learn to play it," John says casually, like he's suggesting they watch an action movie instead of a scifi.

"I should -" he splutters. "Do you have any idea how difficult that is? It's practically impossible."

John smirks and says, "I thought practically impossible was your specialty?"

Rodney is still spluttering when John throws him a wink and walks out.

-

And then, because despite being the finest mind in two galaxies, on some level he truly is an idiot, he stretches out his fingers and starts to practice.

-

It's not like he had copious free time to start with. But he makes space whenever he can to come to the piano room, chipping away at this ludicrous piece, bit by bit, phrase by phrase, over and over and over.

People think that learning to play is artistry, and maybe it is that too, but mostly it's a grind. You keep doing it again and again until you get it right. It's as much about stubbornness as about skill.

And stubbornness is something Rodney McKay has in abundance.

-

Liszt really was a sadistic old bastard, Rodney thinks sourly as he works on the right hand jumps until his fingers turn to lead.

-

Sometimes Sheppard comes and sits with him while he practices, and on those days he plays easier pieces, things which are familiar and casual. Not that John seems to pay much attention, but Rodney has the urge to impress him all the same.

He’s always having that urge around John.

-

He spends an entire week working on his goddamn trill.

It shouldn’t matter and it’s not like anyone will really listen to it. But it seems to represent something important — a sequence of paired adjacent notes, next to each other but never quite touching, bouncing off each other time and time again, a dance of two — though he doesn’t want to examine that too closely.

-

He doesn’t tell anyone else about the piano. He tells himself that’s because it’s convenient that he doesn’t have to share and can use it whenever he wants.

But really, he likes that it’s his and Sheppard’s; their own tiny secret in this vast and sprawling city.

-

He hears the piece in his sleep, and on missions, and when he’s working in his lab. It becomes a background hum of his brain, always there, a sort of yearning for the possible, the platonic ideal, the way that things could be.

He tries not to examine that too closely either, though the weight of the realization is becoming harder to ignore.

-

Eventually the piece is as ready as it's going to be. He scribbles a quick note during a meeting, folds it into a paper airplane, and throws it at Sheppard's head. He hits him right in the temple, and he manages to avoid cheering when Elizabeth glares at him.

I have something to play for you, the note reads. Meet you at 7? You know where. - R

He jots it down without really thinking, and only once he's thrown does it occur to him how soppy it sounds.

John doesn't seem too perturbed though. He smiles down at the note and meets Rodney's eye with a little eyebrow wiggle which Rodney takes to mean, Gonna impress me?

-

By the time John arrives, Rodney is all warmed up and more nervous than he's ever been about a performance. His heart is racing, and when John gives him a fond look and says, "Hey," it trips even faster.

Once he settles in to play though, there's a certain kind of mental clarity that settles over him. His hands know how to do this, he just has to sit back and let them.

His wrists are still tense as he sounds out the first few bars and then, all at once, he relaxes into it and lets the music carry him. Hours of repetition have made every chord, every melody, every insane and unreasonable jump into something almost effortless. He even forgets John is there: there’s only him, and the piano, and the music.

The music builds and builds, each section becoming more and more ornamented, more complex, more physically demanding, all at a relentless pace that sends most players reeling. But he's got this, he can do this, it turns out all he needed was a bit of motivation.

The penultimate section is his favorite: The technical parts are done and here he can throw himself into the wild, over the top glory of the final melody. And perhaps he shows off a little bit, catching John's eye and grinning at him, but that's all part of the fun.

The piece ends with a crashing, massive finale that makes him feel like a virtuoso, and then in a last few epic chords it's done, as tight and perfect a five minutes as you could wish for.

The final chord reverberates on and on through the stillness of the room, glowing out beyond the city and into the night.

"Wow." John's eyes are wide. "That was great."

Rodney preens, because that ineloquent little comment somehow means more to him than an auditorium full of ecstatic applause. Having John look at him like that makes the months of practice worth it.

"You liked it?" He's fishing for compliments, but he figures he's earned it.

"I did," John says, staring at Rodney's hands like they hold the secrets to the universe.

He looks up and blushes at having been caught staring. Then he deflects and shrugs one shoulder. “Honestly, though, it’s not my favorite piano piece.”

Rodney narrows his eyes. He has the distinct impression he’s been played. “What was your favorite then?”

"I prefer Songs Without Words."

"Mendelssohn?" he explodes. "You wanted Mendelssohn? Jesus Christ, I learned to play that when I was eight!"

John grins. "I appreciate simplicity in music."

"Then why on earth did you make me learn Liszt?!"

John has this joyous, manic light in his eyes, like he's having the time of his life here, messing around with Rodney, of all the things he could be doing. "I like watching you do impossible things."

He sucks in a breath. "I hate you."

"No you don't." John leans in, smug and delighted, and oh, Rodney is so in love with this ridiculous, infuriating man that he could burst. "You learned La Campanella for me."

"It wasn't that hard," he says quickly, because he has a reputation to maintain here. But John laughs and gives him this soft, teasing look, one eyebrow quirked at a ridiculous angle beneath the chaotic mess of his hair, and Rodney is defenseless.

"Whatever you say, McKay," John says, and Rodney has the feeling he sees straight through him. "Now play it again."

[yioh]

2020 follow forever :^)

hello it is, but i, ur local frog, yura, i really realllllllllyyyyyyyyyyy wanted to make some kind of post to appreciate everyone on here because , fr, you guys have been such a large part of my life recently and i can not thank you enough... every single person i have interacted with on here has been so wonderful and it’s been such a pleasure to talk with you guys<3

also extremely extremely extremely sorry if i forget anyone, i really really do love every single person i interact with!! this is my first time doing something like this also this is probably filled with typos but im too impatient and lazy to read what i wrote, im so sorry if its weird or something aaaaaaaaaaaa jhdsgjhd

without further ado lets goooooo losers😎

@honeyedmilks sof u are one of the softest people i know, we didn’t get to talk that much this year but i love ur presence in general and it makes me :D when u pop up on my dash/notes hehe, i can’t express just how much i adore ur writing, the vibes and settings and the way u write in general is so my thing and !!!!!!!! <3 

@asianmelodrama faizaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa u are mine and a lot of other people’s sunshine on this hellsite !!!! ur blog is so feel good and pretty and relaxing and i love all ur thoughts and ur gifs are soooooooooo pretty and ur so cool !!!!!!!! thank u for being so kind and creative and wonderful and for creating a place so safe and lovely i love u i love uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu

@muscosus robin robin robin robin ILUSM !!!!!!! ur so fun to talk to and i find it so amusing that we met each other via druck but then consequently found all our interests colliding and we were literally *shook pikachu* kdhigjdghkjf also whenever u tag me in whale stuff it warms my heart so much and i treasure our friendship so so much !!!

@lesbiangoths OLIVIA why are u so adorable :( everytime u send me an ask im :) ur so creative and talented and ur crocheting stuff looks so COOL !!!!! also ur vibe is just immaculate in general and talking with u is so easy, never change ilu bro

@illiterateopossum ELIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ur DEFINATELY one of the people on here that are MOST special to me, all our conversations are so freaking fun and man, u just get me .... and watching u get into all the dramas and anime i reccomend ??? it makes my heart doki doki hiagsjhjh thank u for always looking out for me and sending me the most loveliest messages, im really really bad with words and i am SHITE with keeping up with messaging but i seriously treasure our friendship so so much, i only hope for good things to happen to you next year and all the years after that, you’re such a kind wonderful person and !!!!!!!!!!!! i love u sm :(

@beesnutz KJDFKHIJFHKD GUSTE i wanna be emotional this one time and tell u that ur seriously such a fun person and the way my brain goes on overdrive from creativity when i talk to you is . insane. i want to bonk ur head with as much cereal as i can, never forget that you will always be the dumb sidekick to me, the superior villain and i WILL lead the way to world domination one day. sometimes i feel like u aren’t even real, you could be an anime character and i wouldn’t even bat an eyelash . ilu <3

@rosa-leche kana kana KANA :^) how are u so ???? sweet ???? adorable ???? wonderful ????? i already had so much fun interacting with you, all ur thoughts and messages are always so sweet and u make me smile SO much, and after the secret santa i feel like we have so much in common !!!!!!!!! do tell me if u ever watch bloom into you hehe, keep being the angel u are, ilusm !

@petekaos RAHUL !!!!!!!!!!!!! meeting u this summer feels like so long ago somehow, you sir!!! are one TALENTED person . it really really amazes me with how much passion you get into things and how much love and adoration you put into the things you create, its so so special .... anytime i see u vibing on my dash it fills me with so much joy, keep doing u bro !!!!

@toptaps zeeeeeeeeeeey you are so lovely :) you’re so gentle and soft and i adore talking with u about nanamin, also u are so cool and i was rly rly happy when u followed me lol, lowkey i admired u from afar jdhjkhdijd i love uuuuuuu

@fushiguroo MY LIL OREO CUTIE PATOOTIE oFC i still remember the first ask u sent me, i was so taken aback and honoured :( and the more and more i talked with you and saw you on my dash i was so happy, you have such good taste and you’re so so cute, take care of urself and stay the precious bean u are ok? 

@morksuns sumaya sumaya sumayaaaaaaaaaaaa everytime you interact with me im :D i love all our little convos and ur vibe in general is so peaceful and relaxing, im glad i got to meet you:’) here’s to another year and many more after that, that are filled with only good dramas !!!

@gayvlad NICO (nico niiiiiiiiiiiiii ) YOU DESERVE THE W O R L D. i dont know why but as soon as i had like one convo with u that one time i thought u were such a chill cool person :( im so happy that i get to be friends with you, all ur gifs are so pretty !!!!!!!! ur such a kind person and ur blog is such a warm nice place to be. :) 

@cupidhashorns   peach ........... PEACH !!!!!!!!!! you might be one of the nicest people in the WORLD , whenever u like my posts, regardless of whether u know what im on about lmao, i feel so seen... its just so nice to know that Someone i listening to the shit you throw into the void on this site lmao, i adore all ur asks and i truly truly appreicate all your messages so much. thank you for finding my blog interesting at all man, i cant tell you enough how happy you make me :)

@guihan arloooooooooooooooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO MY CAT FRIEND . THE AMOUNT OF SEROTONIN YOU HAVE GIVEN ME IS IMMEASURABLE your cats ................... are so cute .............. !!!!!!!!!!!!!! im so glad i got into tsomd and got to meet you , whenever u tag me in things im !!!!!!!!! also im defo gonna read  twwtadsl sometime ksdjkdhjksd you make it sound so good aaaaaaaaaaaaa

@otterplush rey many people have probably already told you this but you are someone so ...... so spectacular and special and incredible and amazing ............  so much of your words has given me SO MUCH comfort in the short time i had known you, seriously. i seem to always stumble on your blog whenever im most hurt and your words have really had an impact on me in the best way possible and i love u so so so so much. i only wish for good things to happen for you and i want to be there for you in a way you are for everyone else !!! you are so warm and kind an generous, everything about your vibe feels so soft... also i always wanna rb everything you rb ndjbshs ur blog is so pretty :( 

@aheartandashirt nisaaaaaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAA MY KSH THIRST BUDDY KDHJKHDKJHDF fr ive had some of the BEST convos with you, ur taste in dramas is !!!!!!!!!!immaculate !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! its so so so  fun talking with you and everything you gif looks so nice !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! thank you for being such a lovely friend to me, you’re so easy to talk with and so friendly and nice and <3 *pat pat pat* 

@tetsuos dawn dawn !!!! you are !!!!!!!!!! such a talented person !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i love ur little corner on the web, its so nice to read all ur thoughts about the dramas you’re watching, all your thoughts are so well thought out and interesting to read and, in general, i adore seeing you do ur thing :) *hug hug * 

@heartsofsunlight angel ! your drawings are so beautiful !! you are such a beautiful person in general ! whenever u drop by it makes me so happy, its been so lovely getting to know you, thank you so much for talking to me :) i love uuuuuuu

@metawin jay jay jay !!!!!!!!!!!! for some reason whenever i see u im overcome with so much love !!! everything you make is so beautiful and u are defo one of the most elite people here hehe, also ur cats are ........ so adorable ............ 

@metawwin aliiiiiiiiiiiii, its been such a pleasure seeing you on here !! ur so soooooo kind and whenever u sent me those adorable asks it made me so happy, you’re like a little happiness fairy, you eminate so much joy and positivity !! also ur singing ... immaculate 

@87s min min !!!! u are soooooooooooo adorable, i think ive said this before but u seriously give me little sibling vibes lol, its so fun talking to you, and im so happy that you first popped up to me !!!!!!!!!!! iluuuuuuuu

@joblessquinoa JQ :^)    i always associate you with my engineer haha, and that was so long ago !!!!! ur so fun to talk to, and i adore seeing u rb and leave ur thoughts on all the manga and webtoons im reading !!!! in fact whenever u like my posts i aways feel so happy hehe, also . i literally wouldve failed my coding course without u thank u SO much for helping me out * cries* 

@gigiesarocha cata CATA CATA !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  when you first popped up i was so elated to talk to you, u seemed so nice:( and later when u told me u watched joan’s galaxy because of me i was sdhfsgijdfhjkdhjkfh all ur gifs are so unbelieveably gorgeous, i literally go back to the set u made of yioh staring at joan skipping all the time, its so ........ beautiful.......... hopefully we get more wlw content next year and hopefully theyre all as good as joan’s galaxy hehe, iluuuuuuuuuu

@yibobibo aamna my love !!!!!!! how are you so precious ? everytime u reblog any of my posts its an instant serotonin boost, the experience of getting back into mdzs along with u was seriously incomparable, it was so FUN and i wanna go back :( ur such a friendly wonderful and talented person and i adore seeing all ur creativity blossom on this website, ilu aamna !

@brightwin JELLY jelly u are literally the human embodiment of the softest teddy bear in the WORLD . i wanna give u all the hugs and pats i can because u make me so !!!!!!!!! happy and u fill me with so much soft warmth ........... thank u for being u, all ur gifs are so pretty and its been so nice to be able to bask in the light that comes off of u, never change i love u so sooooooooooo much <3

and lastly, some blogs that i really really adore !

@kurusutakatsu @chanagun @yuhaosturtle @jiangyanlisgf @duoerla @yinyu @tichawongtipkanon @jbums @wenqing @lemongrasslesbian @weiixian @schech @kikuism @earthfluuke @0ffgun @yamaguccchi @wullu @seniorwitch @leoyunxi @floraflorenzi @dreamterlude @florbexter @doctorbahnjit

[brinconvenient]

Green Egg and Fam

You know what? I'm just gonna go ahead and do this...

So a few years back, I was talking to another trans woman who is very familiar with the DC Universe and we were trying to figure out who is Actually An Egg, and after a few suggestions back and forth, I galaxy-brained the answer. She heartily agreed and we talked about it a bit: 1. Artsy 2. Serial Monogamist who is a Relationship Disaster (Big "Do I want to Be With Her, or Be Her?" energy) 3. Becomes best friends with every ex-girlfriend 4. Noted Respecter of Women in Very Terrible and Awkward Ways 5. Chronically allergic to self-reflection and introspection, but also addicted to it in much the same way lactose intolerant people talk about how they can't give up cheese. 6. Just a complete and Utter Messy Agent of Chaos. 7. All too willing to adopt Other People's Expectations and internalize them as a Sacred Duty. 8. Just constantly Marked By Tragedy - both external and self-created.

It's Kyle Rayner, kids.

Torchbearer,

Honor Lantern,

Erstwhile Ion/avatar of the power of will

Kyle "I will be the Last of the Green Lanterns and yet keep trying to ressurect this entire Corps of Space Cops that I didn't even know existed until some Blue Dude showed up to give me jewelry and I guess marry me into the Corps? Because I guess that's just my job now and that will become my whole personality" Rayner.

After the conversation, this - the only fanfic I have literally ever written popped out of my head fully formed. It's intended to really be Chapter 1 of Several which are basically conversations between Kyle and one Ex-Girlfriend per chapter as Kyle finally accepts herself and transitions.

Eventually she reveals that the name "Ion" comes from her real name "ImOgeN" because she read Nevada and Was Impacted and she's just that extra.

But, honestly, despite getting started on the Alex chapter ages ago, I never have drawn the energy to go back and finish and/or write more, so I'm just gonna share the first chapter of what I am calling:

"Green Egg and Fam"

Putting the actual content behind the Read More because I've already rambled too long.

“It’s just exhausting, you know? Every few years it seems like I have to pick up the pieces of my life, my memory, my self and figure out who the hell I am! Every time I get a handle on things, someone or something comes along and shakes up the snow globe,y’know? I’ve tried to talk to Diana about it and, like, she’s compassionate and cares and offers sympathy, but most of the time, my whole relationship with her is just one more flake in the globe and I never know who we’re going to be to each other. Somehow, though, you’re always my favorite ex-boyfriend. It’s weird, right?”

Kyle patted Donna’s arm reassuringly. He glanced from Donna’s face to the view over Lake Michigan. There was no more beautiful view of the lakeshore than the roof of the John Hancock Building. He could just about make out the lights of the small shore towns across the lake in Michigan, and he could see the industrial Indiana towns along the round tip of the lake.

“I’m not positive I like that descriptor of our relationship, but I am happy to be some kind of constant for you,” he said with a rueful smile. “Donna, you are one of my dearest friends and I always want to be here for you. I know you didn’t need my help with Dr. Psycho here, but I’m glad I was Earthside to help you out anyway.”

They’d taken the diminutive psychic menace to the Chicago Special Crimes Unit, who had training and facilities for telepaths and telekinetics. They found this perch when Donna said she just needed a little bit to settle down before heading back to the Titans Tower in New York.

“No, I had him just about handled - a Lasso of Persuasion is pretty useful, after all - but I’m glad you swung through, all the same,” Donna said. “I’m glad to have a friend here. Psycho was really messing with my head this time. He kept dredging through my memory, pulling out bits and pieces of lives lived and people lost. He made me relive the loss of Terry and Robert and Jenny, over and over, replayed the tortures of Dark Angel, dragged me through that whole mess with the Titans of Myth, and I’m actually not sure which of any of those actually happened in this reality anymore.”

Donna’s breath was getting ragged and tears were falling down her face, twinkling in the moonlight.

“You told me about Terry and the kids when we were dating, so since I still remember them, they must still have existed and they still loved you and you still got to love them. I’m a little fuzzy on the Titans of Myth, so I can’t be sure about that stuff. But you’re here now and that’s what’s important right now. Just take a sec to enjoy this moment, this view, this night and see how you feel, ok?” he said.

They sat in the quiet, next to each other, watching the waves reflect and distort the moonbeams. Donna’s breathing calmed down and she straightened her back, half a head taller than Kyle even while sitting.

“Thank you, Kyle. I’ll be ok now, I think. I appreciate you listening. You have a good heart. If you’d only learn to actually fight without that ring, you’d make a pretty decent Amazon. Well … if you weren’t a man, of course.”

Kyle coughed and thanked the stars that Donna couldn’t see him blush. Suddenly Kyle felt like there was lava beneath his skin and he couldn’t sit comfortably.

He didn’t want Donna to catch on, so he stifled his squirming and whipped up a quick construct of a miniature green Kyle in an Amazonian uniform, breastplate, Spartan skirt and calf boots. For added effect he made sure to widen his shoulders and used Hal Jordan as a reference for a jaw far more square than Kyle’s real life chin.

“I’m not sure I can pull off the uniform. Guess I’ll stick with green and black for now. Ha!” he said. He hoped it didn't sound as forced as it felt.

“Oh I don’t know. You’ve got great legs, Kyle! Maybe you should start wearing shorts when in uniform. Besides, you had those over-the-knee boots for the longest time. I think you’d be just fine!” Donna said, laughing.

“Give me a hug, Dick just texted me to meet him in Blüdhaven. Take care and fly safe back to Oa!” she said.

After a quick, warm embrace, she turned eastward and flew off over the lake. Kyle watched her fly out of sight. He looked down and saw little Amazon Kyle, slowly spinning in the air. He drew the construct up to eye level and returned the shoulders and jaw back to his more slender and softer reality. It didn’t look that bad actually.

He’d been trying to make Donna smile, and deflect from … something before, so he exaggerated those features to highlight the incongruence, but he didn’t hate this more realistic image.

He continue to finesse the construct’s features. Like most artists, he never really considered a piece finished, he just stopped working on it. He smoothed the musculature, narrowed the shoulders a little further, pulled the hips out just a bit more, and left the waist alone. The ersatz Kyle’s face got softer still, the brow less pronounced, the nose narrower, the chin just a bit more rounded. He watched the chest muscles soften and breasts form to fill out the breastplate better.

Finally, he lengthened the construct’s hair to shoulder length, adding some wave and curls like Donna’s somehow-always-perfect hair.

And there she was. The woman who’d been haunting Kyle’s dreams as long as he could remember. Slowly spinning in the air was a woman who could easily have been Kyle’s sister, wearing Amazonian garb (or at least what he remembered from seeing Donna’s while they were dating so many years ago).

He didn’t know how much time had passed since he started fiddling with the image, and he didn’t know how long he’d spent staring at the final form. Sister. Yeah, right.

With an angry wave he flashed his hand through the construct, dissolving and dispersing the light particles that he’d given form. He hastily looked around the roof to make sure no one had seen him or, specifically, seen the construct. The burning sensation of shame returned instantly and he immediately flew into the sky until the buildings looked like so many light-speckled building blocks.

He took himself through a calming exercise he learned from Kilowog to help him center himself and sling his ring “like he wasn’t a complete Poozer and deserved to wear it.” Kilowog had no appreciation for just how hard it was for other people to feel calm when he was around. Still, Kyle found it helped when the pink giant wasn’t breathing down his neck.

“My will is strong enough to carry the torch for the entire Green Lantern Corps, I can stop these feelings. I can make all of these thoughts go away. I can stop this. I’ve got too much responsibility to keep indulging this … this nonsense” he thought, trying to ignore the sting of the tears fighting their way free to fall down his face, ignore the pain in his heart.

“I don’t want to lose my friends - what would Donna say? Would she think I was a pervert, or making fun of her somehow? I definitely don’t want to lose Hal’s and the guys’ respect. I don’t want to lose my whole life just because I’m some kind of freak. Get it together, Rayner. No one else is feeling sorry for themselves because they don’t fit in.”

He pulled a hand down his face and pointed his right fist with it’s gaudy, shining green ring on the middle finger toward the Milky Way and flew into space. He hoped the cold solitude of the transluminal conduits would help him regain his composure before he faced Guy, Hal, John and Kilowog for the Honor Lantern meeting. For the millionth time, he wished he could just be more like them, have just a sliver of their easy and effortless masculinity. They made it look so simple.

“Bet they don’t spend half their life trying to figure out what is wrong with them,” he thought. He tried so hard not to envy them, but it was really hard sometimes.

Especially nights like tonight where his resolve had failed him yet again and he gave in to his most hidden thoughts. He entered the transluminal conduit between Saturn and Jupiter and closed his eyes.

He traveled faster than light, but it still took time to reach Oa, so he tried to sleep and hoped that his dreams wouldn’t betray him again.

[syeko]

Taking Care of You Ch. 2

Find it on AO3 or down below the cut!

@marichatmay

The black leather clad superhero stuck out like a sore thumb amidst the sea of pinks and whites of Marinette’s room. From the walls and the bedding and the furniture down to the sweats and fluffy socks she was wearing, a swirl of pinks and whites that was just so very Marinette, and if he wasn’t feeling as cagey as he was, he would have commented something. Instead of a pun however, he busied himself by fidgeting with his tail, the leather a comfortable weight in his palms as he watched Marinette. The horrible itch from earlier had subsided somewhat, but it was still very much there, preventing him from standing still as he watched Marinette make her way around her room, hands grasping at various items. A closer look confirmed that the pile materials his classmate was in the middle of picking up seemed like assorted fabrics and discarded sheets with notes and designs scribbled onto them.

“Sorry about the mess, Chat,” Marinette broke the silence, a soft upturn of her lips accentuating the smattering of red across her cheeks. She fiddled with her fingers, the action so familiar to Chat from their shared time in the classroom. He’d always found it endearing, the movements bringing a small smile onto his own face.

“There’s nothing to apologize for, Princess,” he cocked his head to the side, green eyes sweeping over the fabrics and papers, and a small puddle of shame pooled in his stomach, “Were you in the middle of working on something?”

Marinette waved a hand, “Not really, nothing was coming together anyways,” she shrugged, “you just so happened to drop by at the perfect time, I could use a break.”

He blushed, an apology on the tip of his tongue, but the light huff of her laughter cut him off before he could say anything.

“Before you ask, no Ki-Chat, you aren’t bothering me, and no I’m not lying,” she crossed her arms loosely, “I really could use a break from designing, and what better way to do that than with the best cat in Paris?”

“Aww, Purrincess, do you really think I’m the best cat in Paris?” He grinned, the compliment, as silly as it was, making his heart swell, the butterflies in his stomach fluttering. Just as quickly had the feeling come however, it was dampened by a reminder of the mess he’d made outside and the time he was taking away from his friend. No doubt she had much better ways of spending her time than with a stray cat, but the promise of help with his…problem kept his curiosity peaked, and he would be lying to say that he wasn’t eager to feel normal again.

“Don’t let it get to your head,” Marinette grinned before moving to her chaise, legs curling up on the cushions before she patted the spot next to her, “Come.”

Chat couldn’t help but raise a masked eyebrow at the request, but he obliged after a moment’s hesitation and an encouraging smile from the girl clad in pink. The confidence and authority she radiated, even in worn sweats and a t-shirt was new, at least towards him. Well, Adrien him. He was well aware of Marinette’s leadership and quick thinking capabilities spurred on by her undying resolve for justice, but he was hardly on the receiving end of such confidence. In fact, in most cases, it seemed like the midnight haired girl wanted nothing more than to scurry away from him at every given opportunity.

Shaking his head minutely to dispel the sidetracked thoughts, he focused on making his way over to the (once again, pink) chaise, sinking slowly into the soft cushions below. The sunlight from her window spilled into the room, warming up the seat just so, the temperature soothing his nerves and his muscles as he wiggled on the spot. The itch was back, simmering and swirling underneath his skin, but this time, it was accompanied by the almost instant drooping of his eyelids.

Everything was so deliciously warm, and cozy. The cushion was just the right amount of bounce and firmness, and had he been alone, he wouldn’t hesitate to sprawl himself all over the chaise, relishing in the space and the comfort. But, as much as he wished to, he forced himself to stay upright, blinking the haze away harshly in order to focus on his friend so she could fix whatever was wrong with him.

“So, what’s the plan?” He turned to face Marinette, surprised to see her giggling softly. He frowned, not following the reason for her laughter. Not that he minded hearing it, and the realization made him blink with a start. Before he had time to dwell on the revelation however, she reached out to place a warm palm against his shoulder.

“You’re such a cat,” she snorted softly before her expression settled into something more serious, “I think that’s the problem actually.”

He felt his nose scrunch up, trying and failing to keep his mind off the tingling sensation from where her skin was making contact with his suit.

“I’m sorry, Princess, but I’m not sure I quite follow?”

Her lips pursed, the thumb and pointer finger of her free hand curling around her chin. The action sparked a vague feeling of familiarity, and he was reminded fondly of a similar pose his Lady would don as she was coming up with a plan or thinking over new information.

“Well, and I’m only speculating here again, of course, because you know Alya, my friend, I’m sure you and Ladybug have seen her around a lot, she runs the Ladyblog you know so we talk a lot about this stuff so it’s not weird or anything-“

Chat blinked as her palm slipped away from his shoulder, her rambling and the gestures so characteristic, borderline comical, that he couldn’t help but splutter out a chuckle.

“You’re rambling, Marinette,” he patted her knee, offering a quick smile to placate the blush that stole her cheeks, “I know you’re only trying to help, so don’t worry okay?”

After a second of staring at him, wide-eyed like a deer caught in the headlights, she nodded slowly, the pink receding from her face and once again replaced with firm determination.

With a steady breath, she continued.

“I think that there are some spillover effects from the Miraculous. We know that the Miraculous are in some way representative of certain animals, Ladybug being well…a ladybug and yours being the black cat. Your powers are reflective of certain qualities related to those animals- kind of like instincts or behaviours? So what’s to say that the effects of the Black Cat Miraculous don't just pertain to agility or night vision?” Marinette paused to shrug, “It could be very possible that you’re experiencing the less uh…pronounced behaviours that have just been building up over time?”

Chat was taken aback, feline eyes wide as he processed what his friend was saying. The fact that Marinette was able to figure out something so quickly, much quicker than he himself could, from so little information was both astounding and terrifying. Marinette was smart and resourceful, he knew that, but if she had managed to figure out this much, it made him wonder what other information was out there waiting to be analyzed and figured out.

Hawkmoth had to have internet access after all.

The thought made him twitch, tail settling between his clawed fingers once more as he worried his bottom lip. The original reason for his presence in Marinette’s room was forgotten for a moment, he couldn’t but worry about the implications of this revelation.

“Chat...?”

Marinette’s voice was quiet as she looked at him with worried eyes, and he mentally smacked himself for letting a civilian worry. He boxed away his worries, making a note to bring it up to Ladybug at some point; maybe the two heroes would have to have a talk with Alya and other news reporters on the dangers of speculation and posting information online where villains could no doubt use to their advantage.

“Ah, my a-paw-logies Purriness, I was just blown away by your deductions. Tell me, have you ever considered forensics or law, Mademoiselle Sherlock?”

He grinned when she rolled her eyes, reaching out to flick his bell. The sound sent a wonderful shiver down his spine.

“That depends. Are you willing to be my Dr. Watson?”

“Well if you’re paw-sitive you can handle the galaxies inside this brain,” he winked.

Marinette pressed a flattened palm to her chest with a drawn out gasp, “However will we all cope? Imagine the headlines!”

Chat swiped a hand through the air, “I can see it now, ‘Local Cat Discovered to Have Infinite Braincells’.”

Marinette copied the gesture, barely suppressing her smirk, “‘Scientists Discover that None of Them Are Actually Functional After Testing’.”

“Hey!”

“I’m teasing,” she laughed, reaching up to scratch a spot behind his ears in apology. The change was almost instantaneous, surprising Marinette with just how fast his body froze for a moment before his eyes fluttered close. He leaned into her hand, and from this close, the young designer could see the ripple of his muscles relaxing underneath his suit, slumping against her.

Not that she minded too much.

Her earlier deductions, while not explicitly sourced from the internet, seemed to be right as a familiar low rumble filled the room, causing her lips to twitch fondly. Chat Noir had begun to purr again, the vibrations echoing in her own chest. She thanked Lady Luck that her Kitty’s eyes were still closed, because at the moment she was absolutely certain her poor cheeks were burning.

But this wasn’t about her, she sighed internally, carding her fingers through silken gold. The sunlight reflected against his hair, highlighting the gold of his eyelashes against the deep black of the domino mask. She traced patterns through the stray strands atop his head, discovering with suppressed delight that the spots behind both Chat’s human and cat ears had the same effect, and the longer the scratching and rhythmic movements went on, the louder the rumbling got.

Her eyes softened at the innocence of it all, recalling how he had purred earlier when he was caught red-handed on her balcony, no doubt in an effort to self-soothe. The initial sound had been quiet, hesitant and tinged with low notes, giving away the boy’s embarrassment at what occurred and Marinette marveled at the reminder of how sensitive Chat Noir could be. Now however, the vibrations were loud and light, and with a uncontrollable flutter of her heart, she couldn’t help but be proud that she was the cause of such a blatant display of relief and trust from her partner (despite him not knowing that she was his beloved Lady, but she’ll count it nonetheless).

Gently guiding Chat’s head to her lap, she realized with another powerful thud of her heart that the poor kitty had fallen asleep, she relaxed back against the pillows on her chaise. She’d doubted for a moment if leading Chat to her room and exposing so much was a good idea, knowing that with every encounter with the black cat, she ran the risk of compromising their identities. The familiar twinge of anxiety made her frown, and she knew that she would no doubt be hearing from Tikki later on about the unexpected development between her civilian identity and Chat Noir, and Marinette couldn’t help but dread the coming conversation. However, with a glance down at the serene expression on her partner’s porcelain complexion, she pushed her worries aside, saving them to card over later. For now, her kitty needed her, and she wouldn’t let him down.

In or out of the mask.

[lololil]

Requested by @nachtumringt from this prompt list - the way you said “I love you”. I appreciate you greedy being, thank you for the request. I hope you’ll enjoy it. 🍃✨

2. With a hoarse voice under the blankets

Lucas doesn’t know when it became love. Maybe it always has been. He remembers seeing Eliott for the first time, a clumsy little boy carrying boxes into the house next door. The feeling in his belly - like infinite little stings - and the heat spreading through his tiny body were definitely something new.

He even asked his maman what it meant, afraid he might have had an allergic reaction, but she just smiled and kissed his forehead. “One day you’ll know, mon chérie.” But he wasn’t sure he wanted to know, it may have been warm and fuzzy, but it was prickling, urgent. “Now, don’t you want to go meet the new neighbors? Take them this.” She stuffed his short arms with a basket filled with fruits and some sweets. He wasn’t sure he wanted to go, of course he wished to see the boy again, but what if that weird feeling ate him up?

If only had he known...

The feeling did, in fact, eat him up. To the point each two of three thoughts in his head would be about Eliott - that’s the boy’s name.

And now, twelve years later, they are in the exact same position. Lucas observing him from his house, analyzing how his muscles contract differently with each movement, how the breeze makes his strands dance around, how his eyes shine even though the sun decided to stay hidden behind the dense clouds. Boxes are being carried, but this time from the house and into the car. Eliott’s car. The one he will drive away in first thing in the morning, away to college. Away from Lucas.

Funny thing is, he did find out what that feeling he felt so many years back was. But now he has only been left with his chest ripped open, his heart sore, imploding, bleeding. 

Eliott’s eyes catch his and he can’t help but smile. His friend looks worried, lifting his shoulders with a clear question what is it. Lucas shakes his head and Eliott, as the stupidly perfect boy he is, starts running towards Lucas with a childish jog despite his huge limbs.

“What’s wrong?” Eliott asks, keeping his hands behind his back.

“Nothing! I was smiling!” He points to his own mouth and makes an exaggeratedly fake grin. “See?” Eliott huffs and takes one hand to Lucas’ hair, playing with it.

“Dumbass.”

“Yes, I guess we’ve established that that is my role in this relationship.” He points to both of them and something shines in Eliott’s eyes.

“I have something for you.” Lucas’ features brighten and he jumps excitedly. He was always incapable of feeling down around Eliott.

“What is it?” Eliott laughs and takes his hand from behind his back. Presenting Lucas with a stuffed raccoon. The raccoon. “What? Eliott, you can’t give me this. I already have my hedgehog.” And well it was kind of ridiculous, but they had bought them when they were younger, Lucas only agreed because Eliott had the most gorgeous smile on his face and he wanted it to last a bit longer.

“Yes, but I want you to have it. Please. So you can remember me when you look at it.” He looks taken aback, bashful, and it’s so honest and so sweet Lucas could kiss him. God, he wants to kiss him.

It’s not like I could spend a minute without thinking of you he almost says. “Ok. But only if you take my hedgehog.” Eliott smiles so angelically it’s hard to breathe.

“Ok.” He agrees and Lucas takes the stuffed animal giving it his all not to squeeze it. “You are cute.” It isn’t unusual for Eliott to say random stuff like this and Lucas never knows what to do. Obviously, his immediate response is always a heat accompanied by a deep crimson spreading through his features.

“Okay, please don’t. Come on, we still have a lot to do before you leave.” Eliott ruffles his hair once more and takes Lucas’ shoulder, leading them into the latter’s house.

***

Hours later, after spending the evening rewatching all their favorite movies, they are in Lucas’ bedroom, tucked under his covers, talking. This is one of the things Lucas loves the most, spending time next to Eliott talking about everything and nothing. Just existing next to him.

After they’ve settled in a comfortable silence, Eliott turns his body in Lucas’ direction and they stare at each other before Eliott starts talking.

“Do you remember how we used to read stories under the covers?” Lucas laughs.

“How could I forget.” Indeed, how could he. Eliott wiggles his eyebrows.

“So, wanna do it again? For old times sake?”

“For old times sake.” Lucas imitates him exaggeratedly. “Gosh, you are just a big baby and want excuses to read child books.” Excuses, just excuses. It’s what came to Lucas’ mind instead of running to get under the covers just to be closer to Eliott.

“I don’t see any kids' books around here. Do you? I mean, it is your bedroom, so if there were I guess that would make you the big baby.”

“Oh shut up and just get under the blankets.” And it’s beautiful, how Eliott beams with excitement. Just like a child.

“Ah, I’ll just get my phone, because I know how you get. Afraid of the dark and stuff.” At that, Lucas has no choice other than roll his eyes and tackle Eliott onto the mattress. Wrong choice, they end up close, really close, and Lucas has to strain himself not to join their lips. He quickly goes under the covers and Eliott follows after, turning his lantern on. “Excited, are we?” He teases, but Lucas is too entranced by the way the light reflects on Eliott’s features to respond. “For someone so opposed to the idea you sure got down here pretty fast.”

“Jesus, shut up!” Lucas says kicking him maybe a bit harder than necessary, making Eliott let out a high pitched squeal and they both burst out laughing. Their bodies squirm and it gets harder to breathe under all the blankets but none of them dare to resurface.

The laughter dies gradually, disappearing into a stuffed silence. Through the badly lit space, he can see Eliott. He seems lost in thoughts.

“Lucas, I’m scared.” He whispers, the light barely hitting his face, but Lucas can still see the deep worry in his eyes, how they are darker than usual, heavier. And how Lucas wants to touch him, take this feeling away, make that beautiful smile appear on Eliott’s face again. “I don’t want to lose you.” Eliott’s voice sounds broken and a shiny tear travels down his cheek, making a perfect trail to his mouth. Lucas follows its path with his thumb, drying it softly. Eliott’s skin is so warm under his hand.

“You could never lose me.” Eliott closes his eyes, creasing his eyebrows. More tears slide down his face. “It’s true.” Lucas can’t stand this, so he gets closer, until their noses touch. And Eliott opens his eyes, pupils blown. “You will never lose me.” They stare at each other, minutes spent looking at the galaxy that is Eliott’s eyes.

“Lucas.” His voice is only a tone louder than a whisper, a soft hoarse to it. He backs up a little, his hand traveling up to cup Lucas’ jaw. Eliott studies his face for a minute, eyes landing on each and every spot of Lucas’ features before they return to his eyes. “I love you.” All his thoughts get blurred, he can’t command his body to move, he can’t do anything except from widening his eyes in utter shock. He had wished to hear those words coming from Eliott’s mouth with that meaning countless times, but he never really expected it to happen.

Eliott must sense Lucas’ inability to form any coherent sound, so he lands a kiss on his cheek, it’s warm and sends a shiver down Lucas’ body. “I love you.” A croaky whisper against the skin there. His mouth travels to Lucas’ ear, warm lips caressing it. “I love you, Lucas.” He lets out with a warm puff and realigns their heads, trailing his thumb across Lucas’ lips and capturing the lower one. Lucas wants to bite it. “Can I kiss you?” He asks. Grave.

Lucas wants to scream yes, finally. But his brain is still short circuiting from the revelation, so he just joins their lips. It’s far better than he could have ever dreamt of. Warm like a summer breeze, but as refreshing as inspiring winter air.  They move in perfect synchrony, pulling desperately at each other, their bodies touching completely. It’s like they have been doing this forever. Might as well have been.

Lucas has to part, words finally coming back to him.

“I love you, Eliott.” The boy smiles, dumbfounded. It’s a beautiful image and the duvet over their heads with the dim light makes it even more magical. “God, I love you. So much.” Eliott lets out a laugh, maybe a bit relieved, and pulls Lucas on top of him, their mouths join again, no sight in detaching.

***

The next day, when Eliott leaves, Lucas still feels like a part of him has been ripped. Like maybe a vital organ is missing. But at least now he knows what Eliott’s mouth tastes like, what it feels like to touch and be touched. And that, that is something nothing can take away.

And now, when everything seems too much, they can always go back under the blankets. Just the two of them. Stolen peace in the middle of chaos.

[kareofbears]

desperate as that sounds

Five times Ryuji ran for Akira (and one time he ran for himself.)

—  

read on ao3 or below the cut :)

It’s 4:45 am with the weather sitting at a brutal -3 degrees when Ryuji really starts wishing that he brought another jacket.

People are lined around Akihabara by the hundreds outside of closed electronic stores, and the sun has yet to even rise. Some people are yawning, some are clutching their rapidly cooling coffee in a death grip, and most have dark, purple bags underneath their eyes—proof of the battle scars that they’ve acquired. Every person here had the same goal in mind: To get what they need and get out as quick as possible.

As it turns out, if everyone has that same mindset, it creates the violent, yearly November tradition that is Black Friday.

Glancing around, he notices that people came in packs, teams. Teenagers and pre-pubescent kids are all scuffling around, hyping themselves up and creating strategies for the war to come. The more seasoned veterans of the yearly massacre came in pairs—the smaller the group, the faster you move, the move land you cover.

At the biggest electronic store in a region that’s already been nicknamed ‘Electronic Town,’ he is fourth in line—an impressive feat, especially for a first-timer. But it came with a heavy toll: he is completely and utterly alone.

”Skull, do you read me?”

Well, physically alone, anyway.

“Loud and clear,” he replies, readjusting the mic in his ear. “Not that I mind, but what’s with the codenames?”

Futaba scoffs. “You think Black Friday is just about the physical aspect? Foolish boy—the psychological aspects are half the battle. If I get you into the mindset that we’re in a Palace, then you’ll get into infiltration mode, and you’ll be OP compared to the nerds out there.”

“Ooo, I like it! Your brain is effin’ galaxy sized!”

“I do what I can for my faithful pack mule.”

“I’ll try not to take that personally.”

His deal with Futaba had been a simple one. She helps Ryuji navigate the horrors of Akihabara during Black Friday in exchange that he acts as what is essentially a drug trafficker sans the drugs. Despite her rigorous societal training she’d undergone with the Thieves, something about entering a borderline stampede still seems somewhat unappealing to her. Besides, he doesn’t mind. He’d always wanted to do something nice for Futaba anyway, and the store that has her computer thing is the same store that holds what he needs.

”Five minutes to go,” her voice crackles into his ear. ”Infiltration route—go!”

Their deal had also come in with an intense tutorial session that ended up lasting until one in the morning. “Floor 4, down 3 aisles, 8 steps in, turn right, second shelf, grab a box that says ‘GTX graphics card.’ Pink, if possible.”

“A+, Skull! You know, if you can memorize that, I seriously don’t get why you’re failing English verbs.”

“Please, this is actually important.”

Futaba cackles. “Now you’re speaking my language. With your legs and my navigation, this’ll basically be a Tuesday afternoon in Leblanc.”

People around him are starting to straighten up, some going as far as to remove the extra layer of clothing and shoving it in backpacks for maximum speed and minimum restrictions. “Damn, people here look more intense than some dudes in my track meets.”

“If you’re throwing out portable chargers with 30-hour battery life for only 800 yen, you’d be a little intense too.”

Ryuji scoffs and begins to stretch, being extra sure to get his right thigh. “I’m plenty intense. Just last Saturday, I almost beat the Big Bang Burger challenge.”

“Pretty sure Akira beat that on his second week in Tokyo. You know, you still haven’t told me why you’re bothering with this whole Black Friday mess. I didn’t peg you for an electronics type of guy, and your phone is as crappy as your posture.”

“Rude! But I can’t argue with that.” He starts to run in place, and for a brief second, he wonders if he should’ve packed a protein shake.

“Well, too late now. If your thing sells out because you didn’t want to give your Navi information, that’s on you.”

“Gimme some credit, Futaba,” an employee who looks equal parts sleep-deprived and terrified approaches the glass doors. “Ain’t no way in hell I’m failing either of us this morning.”

The glass slides open, and as if sunlight was released from the captivity of the clouds, or perhaps a meteor just broke through the earth’s atmosphere, the people start pushing, shoving, and flooding inside. The crowd looked both impenetrable and unwavering; an unstoppable force and an immovable object rolled into one giant stream of desperate shoppers.

Ryuji spares a split-second to crack his neck. Mission Start.

The moment he breaks through the initial threshold, people who were only one step behind him suddenly became ten, twenty, thirty. Weaving through crowds and aisles with the precision of a seamstress, Ryuji evades it all with ease.

”Skull, status report.”

“Smooth sailing, Oracle!” He ducks as an overly buff businessman turns around with a 3-metre pole used for studio lighting threatens to bash his head in. “You’re totally right about the codenames, by the way. It’s almost like I’ve got Captain with me.”

“Right?” She laughs. “It’s all about the mindset.”

Ryuji turns, and finally gets to the stairs—the most brutal section and the biggest gamble. It’s the reason why it was essential that he’s one of the first in line. Once the stairs get jammed with people, it’s game over. Making a mad dash up four flights of stars, he thanks any God that may be that Palaces are fantastic for rehab.

He makes it to the top, panting. It’s empty, save for a few nervous-looking employees. He hopes the smile he throws their way came off as ‘pleasant and grateful for their service’ rather than ‘a delinquent asshole who might steal loads of shit.’

“Down 3 aisles, 8 steps,” he mutters to himself as he quickly scans the fourth floor. “Turn right, second shelf,” eyes landing on his target, he grins. “I effin’ rock.”

”You got it?”

“Of course I did!” He fist pumps before swiping the box. In his excitement, he nearly runs over to give a random employee a high-five. “Alright Oracle, you’re up.”

”I love you so much in a non-weird way. Okay,” he hears the clacking of keys on the other side of the mic. “What do you need?”

“Two words: game console.”

The clacking stops. “You’re joking.”

Ryuji snorts. “I ain’t waking up at 3 in the morning for a joke.”

”Those are hard enough to get as is, and on a day like this—”

“So you can’t do it?”

In the same way every one of the thieves know they could bait Ryuji with a few choice words, it’s a lesser-known fact that Futaba is quite nearly as bad when it comes to open defiance. “Jerk. Of course I can.”

“Then let’s do it!”

“Ugh, fine!” The clacking resumes, more vigorously. “Yikes, only 3 left. Make it quick!”

“Got it,” he replies. He turns around and his stomach drops as he sees people rushing in. “What floor?”

“Third.”

Ryuji groans. The stairs, with people packed in like sardines, are a circus. It would take at least two minutes to try and go down a single flight of stairs. The elevator is even worse, and he honestly wouldn’t be surprised if it had already started to malfunction. Only one choice, then.

He takes a deep breath. “Pray for me.”

”Godspeed, soldier.”

Ryuji, like a wild animal on the loose in the streets of Tokyo, jumps on the handrails and begins his descent that way, begging to the skies that he doesn’t slip and create a domino effect that knocks down a dozen people.

In thirty seconds flat (with no small amount of cursing from both the customers and himself) he jumps off and lands (tumbles) onto the third floor, grinning triumphantly. Eat your heart out, Sumire.

“Oracle, I’m here. Almost broke my ankles. Where to?”

”Straight ahead,” she replies. ”Only one left, though. Better make it quick.”

His eyes land on the last game console, and he sees someone making their way towards it. “Not a problem.”

Ryuji sprints.

Throwing every societal rule and common courtesy into the air, he makes a mad dash and, somehow, miraculously does not bump into anyone or knock down any huge shelves.

In approximately 3 seconds, he grabs his treasure and yells a very loud but completely genuine “sorry!” over his shoulder as he half runs back to the stairs, face red for multiple reasons.

Delving back into the sea of the crowd, trying to navigate himself to the cash register, he sighs. “I’m going to hell.”

”Mission success, then?”

“I had to steal it from some guy! I feel so bad. What if he’s like, buying it for his long lost son or something?”

”Whatever! That’s just part of the Black Friday spirit. Congrats! At least you finally got a game console.”

“Huh? Oh, I already had one.”

Static crinkles in his ear, before, ”WHAT!?”

“Ow! Don’t yell!”

”You already had one and you still did this shopping run?”

“Yeah…?”

”Why?! Are you gonna sell it? Are you one of those sleazy men who take advantage of the good will of gamers, Sakamoto?”

“Hell no!”

”So—“

“Oops, almost at the front of the cash register. I’ll drop off the goods at Akira’s. Talk to you later, shortie.”

Click.

”Wha— Hey! Ryuji!” Silence. “Ugh!”

————

After a much-deserved nap, Futaba climbs up the stairs to Akira’s attic.

“The star has arrived!” she says in lieu of a greeting. “Where’s Ryuji?”

“He left,” Akira answers. He’s looking at something on his worktable. “Your stuff is on the bed.”

Futaba whoops and snatches up the little plastic bag. Peering inside, she sees an adorable GTX hot pink graphics card, and a note. In a horrific scrawl, it writes: dont tell him plz ;)))

She looks up quizzically when her eyes land on Akira’s desk: A shiny new game console.

“Um…”

“Hmm?” he looks up. “Oh, Ryuji dropped it off. Said his mom won it at work, and since he already had one, he gave it to me. Nice, right?”

She opens her mouth, before closing it with a clack. Just two weeks ago, Ryuji had asked Akira in the group chat if they could play video games at his place. Sometimes, it’s easy to forget about Akira’s situation: false accusation, an attic for a room, no definitive meals, not even a proper bathroom in the building, but Akira plays it off like it’s easy. He answered by making a joke that he’s too poor for something like that when you can buy faux battle axes and realistic shotguns instead. Everyone had forgotten about that interaction.

But apparently, Ryuji hadn’t.

He’s an idiot, Futaba thinks. To which boy she’s referring to, she’s not sure.

“Yeah,” is what she says instead. “It’s nice.”

====

The dust motes flying around the attic of Leblanc are lovely. Swirling in senseless formations, floating through the still air like snow. The way none of them collide with each other, as if they have some sort of motion detector that tells them to move out of the way. It’s pleasing to look at.

It’s a shame Ryuji doesn’t give a single shit about them at this moment.

He’s sitting on Akira’s bed, back pressed against the window sill with his hair tipped up, staring unfocused at the wooden beams, eyes glazed over. He’s been like this for the better part of the day, and now the evening is slipping by him. Time continues ticking on like a rigged bomb; an ongoing reminder of how many seconds he’s losing, and how much more he can lose.

He’s considered moving. To walk around the room, shift the dust that’s surely settled on him. Getting up, stretching his legs, outwardly expelling some of his trapped, balled up energy is a good idea. Healthy, even, if those shitty YouTube videos he’s watched on his phone about anger management were on to something. But he can’t. He shouldn’t.

Amidst all the uncertainty and the wound-up anxiety that has currently made permanent residence deep inside his core, he knows that if lets his joints unlock, he’s going to fucking lose it.

Slam a fist inside the dry wood, tear up a blanket, throw the adorable ramen bowl he gave Akira against the wall until it shatters into a hundred pieces. He’s so terrified of ruining this room that he won’t even give himself the option. And Ryuji would rather let hell freeze over than scare Futaba again in his fit of fucked-up rage that comes with the package that is Sakamoto Ryuji.

So he’s stuck on the bed for God knows how long.

Footsteps come up, and he doesn’t need to look down to know who’s going to chew him out. If it’s not Akira that’s going to chide him out of his stupor (which it isn’t, even though Ryuji would do anything if it means that Akira’s back here with them), then they’d send in someone who’d drag him out of it with her nails perfectly manicured.

“You look terrible.”

“Screw off,” Ryuji spits automatically, and he cringes inwardly. Ann doesn’t deserve the sharp end of his horrible mood. It’s not her fault that it feels like his insides feel like they’re trying to eat their way out.

She ignores him and moves to hop on top of the old work desk. The wood creaks underneath her. “You’ve been here all day.”

“I know.”

“Did you sleep last night?”

“Yes. No.” He feels Ann’s stare burn into the side of his face—a ghost of Carmen’s presence. “I don’t know.”

“He wouldn’t want to see you like this.”

Irritation swells in him. She’s never learned to take a hint in her life. “Really? Are you seriously saying that?”

“Are you saying he would?”

“I’m saying he’s too busy having the living shit beat out of him to see me like this.”

His body twitches, and that’s all he needed for his resolve to break down. He jumps from the bed, feet landing heavily enough that he’s sure they can all hear him from the floor below. Unconsciously, his feet pace around the small room; quick with agitation but heavy with dread. Anything to distract from doing something stupid.

“You’re worried about me, what, not sleeping? For lying down on this damn bed for too long? Screw that. Akira’s being grilled like cheap meat for the past couple of days and you’re expecting me to act normal about it? That’s bullshit.”

Bad. This is bad. His fingers are already curling in his fists, eager and all too willing to be used. He settles for balling the edge of his shirt instead.

“He isn’t here. That’s the fact, isn’t it? And what the fuck am I doing about it? Freaking out? Trying not to throw a tantrum about it like some kind of stupid kid? Am I really this messed in the head that everyone on the team is—-is hiding from me like I’m some kind of—” he cuts himself off.

Delinquent.

Ryuji takes a deep breath, fully inhaling and slowly exhaling. He focuses on the dust motes again. In and out. Countdown from ten. He can do this. He can get a grip on himself. Thank God it was Ann that came up—if it had been anyone else, he doesn’t think he can put his pride aside as easily. (Unless it was Futaba. God, he loves her so much.)

For a while, it was silent except for his breathing; it stuttered occasionally, but eventually it evens out. Ann only watches from her perch.

When he feels stable enough, Ryuji drops to sit on the hardwood.

“Okay?” she asks. Ann never babies him when he gets like this—she’s good that way.

“Okay.” And he really is. Not completely, of course not. His nerves weren’t strung as tight, but he still feels a heavy weight right in his stomach.

She hops off the desk and goes to sit in front of him on the floor. Crossing her legs, Ann waits. They regard each other for a long minute.

“He’s the toughest guy I’ve ever met,” he says. It feels weird saying this out loud, instead of repeating the mantra in his head like a broken record. “If anyone can handle this, it’s Akira.”

She rolls her eyes. “Duh.”

“He’s going to be okay.”

“I know that.”

“Sooner than later, his dumb ass is going to be walking through the door downstairs.”

“You bet he is.”

“And I get to yell at him as much as I want.”

“Get in line.”

“I’m not going to lose him tonight.”

Ann reaches over—slowly, giving him plenty of room to shift away—and places a hand on his knee. “You’re not going to lose him tonight.”

Ryuji laughs, a little breathy but still genuine. He prods at her hand. “When’d you get so good with me, Takamaki?”

“I do the Lord’s work around here, free of charge.” She grins, before her tone drops again. “Can you do something for me, though?”

“Lay it on me.”

Ann pulls back and leans on a propped hand, her blue eyes piercing. “When Akira comes back, and he will—”

“And he will. No doubt about it.”

“Obviously. He’s the best person for this. But when Akira comes back, he’s…” Ann gnaws on the inside of her cheek. “He’s not going to be okay, Ryuji.”

Somewhere in his mind, he already knew what she was going to say. While the biggest of his worries is that he’d never see Akira walk through the doors of Leblanc again, there was a quieter fear. A very specific fear, one that Ryuji knows all too well. Because stories don’t just end at the climax of a single event—they keep going. It’s the fear of what happens once he does see Akira.

The aftermath.

The bell chimes downstairs.

His heart lurches, and he makes the briefest of eye contact with Ann before he’s gone.

He’s the toughest guy I’ve ever met.

It’s like his feet have a mind of their own.

If anyone can handle this, it’s Akira.

In an instant, he’s scrambling towards the stairs on all fours before pushing himself up.

Sooner than later, his dumbass is going to be walking through the door downstairs.

His hand finds its hold on the old wooden railing as he sprints his way down. More than once, he almost trips and bangs his head into the wall.

And I get to yell at him as much as I want.

Rounding the corner, he jumps on the landing, ignoring the sharp pain that shoots up his thigh. He ignores the stares from everyone else. Looking up his breath catches in his throat. Gray eyes meet his brown ones. He takes one step forward, and then another. And then he sprints the rest.

He’s going to be okay.

Ryuji stops himself right in front of him, an arms-length away. Akira’s face looked like it’s been through hell and back. Split lip, black eye, bruised cheekbone. An intense fury flares up his spine when he sees the grime and dirt up along his temple.

He hesitates.

As much as he wants to reach forward, close the gap, to make sure that this boy that he can’t afford to lose is real… he can’t do it.

Because he knows what would happen if he tries to cross a boundary that isn’t ready to be crossed—he might not be ready. Ryuji could hurt him by touching any injuries he doesn’t know about (God, how much more is he hiding in there? He’s this close to either throwing up or throwing a punch). But what he’s most scared about, what he’s terrified of doing, is touching Akira in the state of mind he’s in right now. For someone to grip him, grab him, even just brush past him right now, it might be too much. Judging by how beat up he looks just from his face? That does shit to people. That changes you.

Ryuji would know. So he keeps his distance.

Akira’s eyes turn dark, and for a second, Ryuji is terrified that he must’ve overstepped a boundary.

Then he throws his arms around Ryuji, the force knocking them both back by a couple of steps.

“Akira?” he asks, bewildered. Never in their friendship has he seen Akira act like this. It sends alarm bells ringing through his head. “What—”

“Don’t,” Akira cuts off, voice hoarse and quiet, so quiet that even this close, Ryuji is straining to hear him. The arms around him tighten. “Don’t be like that. Please. I can’t. Not right now, Ryuji.”

It hits him all at once. And in his sixteen years of living, Ryuji doesn’t think he’s ever been stupider.

Akira’s been trapped in an interrogation room with nothing but a bunch of make-believe police officers. He got the shit beat out of him, had to stage his own suicide.

And Ryuji just tried to push him away.

He lets his arms wrap around Akira tightly; not too tight, but enough to make sure he won’t slip away from him again. (Never again. Not if he can help it.)

“I’m glad you’re back,” he whispers. Tilting his head up, he stares at the soft lighting of Leblanc, forcing his lungs to breathe evenly—not for fear of losing his temper, but for fear of exposing the tears silently streaming down his face. “So fucking glad.”

Akira doesn’t answer. He only buries his face deeper into Ryuji’s shoulder.

Ann was right—Akira isn’t okay. Not for now, not for awhile. It’s up to Ryuji and everyone else in their group of friends to fix that. That’s fine. They’ll all take as long as they need. He isn’t okay right now, but he will be. They can work on that.

But one thing was clear.

I’m not going to lose him tonight.

====

Summer in Mementos is pretty gross.

Granted, it’s always nasty in here—there’s a perpetual air of moisture, like the inside of a whale, if Ryuji had ever been in one (he’s basing that off of an American movie Ann showed them last week; he didn’t even know it was possible for a fish to get lost in the ocean). There’s also the ongoing sound of trains passing by them on loop, and to him, trains are just inherently cramped and humid and always too sticky for his liking.

Of course, there’s the disgusting, weird amalgamated Shadows that litter every level of Mementos. At least in Palaces they sort of resemble something from the real world, but he guesses they didn’t even bother with these ones. The worst part of all this is that right now, it’s hot, but not hot enough for the Shadows to process a heat wave.

So essentially, they’re fighting with additional bucket loads of sweat, but with none of the usual reward that comes with it.

Well, not that they needed it.

“Fox.”

“As you wish.”

Yusuke’s boots skid to a halt as he points his katana at the fast-moving Shadow, the tip perfectly still. “Your assistance, Goemon.”

They’re on their weekly Mementos grind, the list Mishima keeps updating finally too long to ignore. (Akira hates it when things pile up. It’s a big reason why Ryuji hastily cleaned up every time he wanted to come over. Now though, he doesn’t even bother.)

The current All-Star team includes Yusuke, Makoto, Ryuji, and Akira, with the rest of them keeping a close eye in case they need a quick shift in strategy.

From his katana, black ice crawls in the ground beneath rusted train tracks, the air suddenly chilly despite the humidity that was there a moment ago. Frost shoots forward, encasing the legs of the Shadow only to shatter with a strong jerk forward. It roars, the ear-piercing sound causing the scattered debris around them to vibrate. Akira clicks his tongue.

Strong against ice. Easy fix. Ryuji mouths the words along with Akira when he says, “Panther, you’re up.”

“Finally!”

Ann darts in, high-fiving Yusuke as he rushes out. Ryuji can see Makoto pat Yusuke on the back, sympathy etched on her expression and Futaba mussing his hair. He always took it the hardest when he had to be switched out.

Akira’s gloved fingers brush the edge of his monochrome mask. “Come, Principality.”

As if a human version of justice has been summoned down to earth, the winged statue floats for a moment, eyes filled with scorn as she casts a simple, yet effective memory loss spell. The Shadow shakes its head aggressively. It works, but it won’t hold for long.

“Skull.”

“Don’t mind if I do!”

He grins and sprints right, squeezing into the Shadow’s blindside. It tries to twist around to take a swipe at him, but Ryuji is too fast—he slides right between its legs to confuse and disorient it. Once it seems like it completely lost sight of him, he raises his hand to grip the edge of his black mask. “Come on out, Captain!”

It’s a classic tactic; make the enemy lose focus, stun it, and stop it.

A pirate straight out of the Caribbean materializes from the embers of his mask—Captain Kidd in all of his glory regards the Shadow with a look of disdain before sparks fly from the hull of his ship, and an intense streak of lightning bursts forth, shocking its target like something from a regrettable movie about torture, knocking it down to the ground, a buzz perceptible even from here. He might have overdone it.

Ann whistles. “You didn’t even let me get a chance with it.”

“You can have the next million Shadows we bump into, I promise.” He calls Captain back into his mask, fragmented pieces forming together impossibly quick. “We good, Leader?”

Akira nods. “Just let me get the loot,” he smiles at Ryuji. “Awesome voltage on that last one, Skull.”

A grin stretches over his face before he can stop himself. He won’t deny it—getting a compliment from Joker was always something he filed away for later.

He’s too busy feeling pride surge through him that he can’t even bother to get ticked off when he hears Morgana scoff. “It doesn’t matter how good that attack was; he got in the way of Lady Panther’s finishing blow. That’s a crime in my eyes.”

“But doesn’t that just mean he saved her from doing anything?” Makoto raises an eyebrow. “Technically, he prevented any danger from befalling her, right?”

“Queen, as a gentleman, I have an obligation to tell you that that is a sexist notion.”

“You did not just say that.”

Something makes Ryuji pause. Immediately, his eyes flicker around them automatically. He tunes their chattering out, and finds himself tapping his foot, a slight jitter overcoming him. His nerves are trying to tell him something. Or maybe he’s imagining it? Is it just an aftershock from the intense lightning he cast out? No. It’s been too long since he’s had any problem with electric moves, and he’s never had problems from ones that he threw out himself.

Something was wrong, and he can’t put his finger on it.

He rattles his brain trying to figure out what it is. No one’s hurt, everyone’s safe and together. Well, mostly together, since Akira’s still approaching the Shadow—

A cold sweat drapes the back of his neck. Akira is still approaching the Shadow.

The Shadow hasn’t disintegrated yet.

“Akira—!”

The name slips past his lips, codenames forgotten. In slow motion, Ryuji sees Shadow’s body tense, its mouth frothing with what looks like liquid magma made from pits of hell—specializes in curse, and a strong one at that; Ryuji can feel the potency of its malignancy from where he’s standing. He watches as Akira stiffens, fingers twitching towards his mask, ready to retaliate, or at the very least, defend. And like a domino effect of bad luck, Ryuji feels bile rise to his throat.

Akira is good at what he does. Infuriatingly good. Took the whole Metaverse bullshit like a fish to water. But even he can’t switch Personas the same moment he summons them.

Principality would crumple like tissue paper against the Shadow. And Akira along with it.

You’re too late, a voice whispers in his head. You wouldn’t make it.

A heartbeat passes. And then Ryuji is flying.

It’s never too late, screams back something stronger, something unshakeable. Not ever. Especially not for him.

His boots hit the ground like the first strike of lightning amidst a storm—impossibly fast and unexpected. Lungs wheezing and legs throbbing, he crossed the distance in the span of a breath.

The Shadow throws the curse at Akira, red and black and filled to the brim with intensity, and Akira’s eyes can only widen, pupils dilated wildly to the point where there’s only black—a mirror of what’s about to hit him if Ryuji isn’t fast enough.

He doesn’t hesitate.

Ryuji shoves Akira, hard enough that he crashes onto the ground and he can hear the breath forcefully leave his lungs, and suddenly Ryuji can’t hear anything at all. His fingertips are fire and ice, his sense of surroundings have completely dissipated. Any energy in his body is being drained, like a dam cracked into millions of pieces—and all he’s left with is air. Vaguely, he can hear a choking noise, a broken sort of sound.

The blow is not just a violent one—it never is, with curse attacks. Instead of just feeling his skin bruised or blood running down his temple, he also feels himself get weaker, his mind growing heavier. An attack on the mind and body; a perfect cocktail of fucked up.

The last thing he sees before he loses consciousness is the glint from Akira’s knife slicing through the Shadow’s throat.

====

Tokyo is currently at a wicked thirty two degrees.

The sun radiates scorching temperatures down from the sky, the concrete eagerly absorbing every bit of its heat, making something akin to walking across hot coals. It’s hot enough that a mirage is visible to the naked eye. It’s hot enough that every ice cream store has a forty-minute line-up. It’s hot enough that no birds were flying, in fear that they may truly be fried by the sun above them.

Basically, it’s hot as hell.

“Ryuji-chan, pick up the pace!”

But Haru is more vicious than any conceivable temperature.

Looking like a survivor who was lost in the desert for several days, Ryuji lets out a half-garbled battle cry and sprints the last dozen meters. Haru clicks her stopwatch.

Sitting on a lovely lilac blanket, she tsks from underneath the shade. “Three seconds slower.”

“Ugh!” he collapses beside her on the cool grass. If she looks at him from a certain angle, she can see the steam positively radiating off of him. “I’m going to beat the living shit out of the sun.”

“You know I’d support you in anything you do, Ryuji-chan, but I don’t think you’d be fast enough to catch it,” Haru says. She hands him a cold water bottle. “Drink slowly.”

He rolls over so that he can squint up at her. “You’re mean.”

“I’m harsh,” she corrects, shaking the bottle in her hand. “There’s a difference.”

He takes it. “Have you done this before?”

“Helped someone train in running? No. But,” she rummages through her pastel pink tote bag, and proudly shows him a handful of books. He squints at them. “Since I’m so new to the group and everyone has such broad interests, I decided to try reading up on them! Did you know that drinking cold water after running results in less dehydration than drinking warm water?”

Ryuji stares at her. “I’m sorry.”

“For what?”

“For saying you’re mean. You’re not mean. You’re real nice, Haru.”

She smiles at him and pats his head, despite the overflowing heat and moisture settled on top. “You’re very sweet Ryuji-chan, but that’s not going to make me go easy on you.”

“Yeah, yeah, you’re the tough-love kind of coach.” Ryuji sits up, cracking open the seal. Chugging down the water, he makes eye contact with Haru before slowing down substantially.

He dumps the rest of it on his head, sighing and shivering in relief. “That’s the good shit.”

“Why not wait for the sun to go down a bit?” she suggests. “The heat is really scorching, and there’s still plenty of time to keep training later.”

“Nah,” he stretches his arms behind his head before he stands again. “I gotta keep going while I still can.”

Haru frowns. “Overexertion isn’t going to help anyone.”

“Don’t you worry your fluffy head! I may be stupid, but I know when to stop when I gotta.”

“I really think you should rest for a bit.”

“I will when I’m done, I promise.”

“You looked rough in that last lap—”

“Haru,” Ryuji is grinning, but his tone leaves no room for argument. “I’m going to keep training.”

They stare at each other for a few moments, before Haru’s shoulder sags slightly. “Alright.” He’s about to say something when she cuts him off. “But only if you tell me why you’re so insistent.”

Ryuji shrugs. “If that’s what it’ll take to prove it to you, then sure. It’s kinda stupid, though.”

“I’m sure it’s not.”

“Oh, wait till you hear it,” he laughs, a little shy. “So you know how Mona and Futaba are, like, the Metaverse experts? And Makoto is the big brain? And Yusuke does the whole calling card part?” Haru nods, and he continues. “Well, I’m not really… anything. Ann already took the role of moral support and there’s no way in hell I’m the ‘brain’ in anything. Jeez, last time I picked up a paintbrush was in kindergarten. So I figured, I’d be the fast one, you know? The one that can get to someone fast enough to help them out.” Ryuji’s grin turns into something softer; less edge and more fond. It does something to her heart. “And if it’d help ‘Kira down the line, then it’d be worth it, right?”

Haru stays silent.

“Anyway! That’s enough of that cheesy shit.” He moves back to the track, running shoes scuffing at the concrete. “Wish me luck, maybe I can actually catch up to the sun this time. Teach it a lesson.”

“Ryuji.“

Looking back, he gives her a curious look. “Yeah?”

Haru hesitates.

I never once thought you were stupid. You’ve given so much more to the team than you can imagine. You have no idea how many times you’ve helped Akira without even lifting a finger.

“I have a cooler full of water behind me, so… please try your best out there.”

Ryuji gives her an enthusiastic salute. “Yes ma'am!”

He runs off, the sun continuing to beat down him relentlessly.

====

Somewhere in the back of his mind, Ryuji knew they were all going to die someday. It’s inevitable. The circle of life, the winds of time, la vie en rose, etc.

He just didn’t expect it to happen at the age of 16, on the sinking cognitive ship of their next Prime Minister, wearing a wack-ass leather outfit surrounded by his panicking friends.

“We’re going to die!” Futaba wails, knees shaking uncontrollably to the point where she can hardly keep standing. “I don’t know how to swim!”

“It’ll be fine,” Akira spits through gritted teeth. He’s far tenser than anyone else, red gloves formed into fists and eyes constantly darting around to see what can save their lives. “We just need to focus.”

Makoto points to something on their right and shouts, “There! A lifeboat!”

Sprinting down the slowly escalating ramp, their eyes widen at the single lifeboat propped at the very top of the bow—which is slowly approaching a ninety degree angle. They all had one thought in their minds.

“We’re not going to make it in time,” Yusuke says, quietly.

Akira bangs his fist into a nearby column. “To hell with that. There’s no way I’m letting us die here.”

A heavy silence falls over them. The air is practically crackling with electricity and pure agitation, but there’s also a determination between all of that. Everyone’s overcome with a need to protect their friends and teammates, but they were at a loss of what to do. A quiet realization overcomes the group—there wasn’t going to be a miracle to save them.

Ryuji’s eyes land on Akira. He’s scanning the area, Third Eye activated but unable to pick up anything that isn’t the lifeboat. There’s no panic in his clear, gray eyes, but the terror in it is the most prevalent out of anyone present.

It hits Ryuji, all at once. The boy in front of him may be his age, and even younger than some members of their group, but he is undoubtedly the leader of the infamous Phantom Thieves. Every decision he made had led them here, in this moment, in their imminent death. And if he lets them all get taken, whether it’s through the ocean or the approaching explosions behind him, the truth of the matter is Akira feels that he would be responsible. That it’s his fault that a cognitive boat would take the lives of his friends.

Yeah. That’s not happening.

Ryuji clenches his eyes shut for a few seconds and slowly opens them. He begins to jump in place, hyping himself up.

“Skull…?” Haru asks, brows furrowing.

“Hang tight, guys,” he says, taking quick breaths. He can do this. “I’ll nab the boat.”

A chorus of gasps and heated objections rang through the air, and Akira steps forward, more shaken than Ryuji’s ever seen him. “No. Skull, please—”

Ryuji throws him a wobbly grin, more for Akira than himself. In one smooth motion, he jumps down and hits the ground running.

“No!”

Immediately, he feels his knees and thighs begin to protest, only intensifying the further he sprints up. For a minute, if Ryuji closes his eyes, he can imagine that he’s in a meet. A race. That the screams he hears behind him are his track mates, and not teammates, friends, best friends that would die if he failed to get to the boat fast enough.

He pushes himself even more.

It’s a miracle that he gets to the raft before his legs give out, and he feels a satisfying crank underneath his palms when he rotates the lever. As he throws a thumbs up at his friends, seeing them safe, healthy, alive, he feels relieved beyond words.

He makes eye contact with Akira, and he really should’ve expected the explosion that comes next.

====

His ceiling has seventy-nine plastic stars.

Ryuji stares up at it from his bed, arms crossed behind his head; they’d long since lost their cheap light. It was raining hard outside, enough to rattle against his window like pebbles calling for his attention. He ignores them.

It’s been years since he got those stars—dating all the way back in middle school. He got into a bad habit of sneaking out in the middle of the night to look at the sky from the roof of their apartment building. It scared the shit out of his ma when she finally caught him, scolded him to hell and back. By the end, they found a compromise: she’d buy him a crap ton from the hundred yen store, and they’d stick it up together. When they did, it kept falling down, so she went back and bought him a bottle of superglue. Now you can’t take them off, even if you tried to use a little scraper.

It bothered him, for a while. Young boys were cruel, and anyone who came to visit always poked fun of him for it. It wasn’t until he visited Akira’s room one day, saw how pleased he was that Yusuke bought them for him that he couldn’t help but revel at his own stars again, after all this time.

Ryuji twists his body sideways, ripping his eyes away from the plastic figures. Enough of that.

His eyes have long adjusted to the darkness that surrounds him, allowing a clear view of his room in the limited moonlight. Laundry splayed around his tatami mat from his sprints training today, gaming controllers scattered on the center table from when Akira came over a few days ago. That was a blast. He helped him beat a boss he’s been stuck on for weeks, and Akira beat it like it was nothing, it was the coolest shit ever—

Ryuji forces himself to flip over to glare at the wall. Sleep. That’s a better idea.

He takes a deep breath, forcing his breathing to go steady. There’s lots to do tomorrow—school is a drag, but they plan on meeting up at Leblanc afterwards. The thought allows his muscles to relax. Really, the atmosphere of Leblanc is just so pleasing to him. The warm lighting, the run-down booths, even the smell is a welcome presence. Well, that’s mostly because Akira drags it with him wherever he—

Slowly, his eyes open.

It always comes back to him, doesn’t it?

He rolls onto his back, in a position to stare at the stars again. The rain hammers on.

Ryuji’s a dumb kid.

It’s not a self jab, it wasn’t manifested by some sort of long-standing insecurity. It’s a fact. He’s never been good with a book, never done anything half-decent by picking up a pencil, his mind was never programmed to listen and retain information in long classes. It’s definitely not like he’s the brains of the Thieves, never a strategist of some kind. His ma encouraged him to take on a tutor in the past, and he’d rather bite a finger off than spend her money on wasted potential, so he found himself wandering the streets of Central Street as a way to pass time.

Ryuji’s a dumb kid, but even he knows he’s irrevocably, completely, stupidly in love with Kurusu Akira.

He sits up and ruffles his hair, frustrated. There are too many things wrong with that sentence, too many things that can go wrong because of that sentence. Of course, he finds the one thing that can mess up the unshakeable foundation that he and Akira built for each other. He must’ve really pissed off some God upstairs for him to have a hell-bent queer awakening with his best friend.

No, that’s wrong. It was the furthest thing from hell-bent—it was soft, it was gray, it was raining, and most importantly, it took its time.

They were halfway through Kamoshida’s Palace when Ryuji realized it; the sheer amount of power that hindsight gave him made him pause long enough to get clocked out by a Shadow.

Doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter. It can’t matter, because he would never, ever do anything to fuck up what he has. Not again.

Wait, no, that’s not true. Even before Kamoshida, he’s never had something like this. He’s never had someone like him. He’s never had someone who’s so entirely on the same wavelength as him, who’d have his back even when his was against a wall. Kurusu Akira is…ethereal. Out of this world. Cool as fuck. (Hot as fuck, too.) If you lined up the entirety of Tokyo and told him he could pick one. One person out of the whole lineup to be his friend, he’d have his answer in a heartbeat.

See, now that isn’t something that changed with hindsight—Ryuji’s known that he’s been in love with Akira since before they completed Kamoshida’s Palace. And when he figured it out, he didn’t feel shock. His eyes didn’t widen, his heart didn’t start thumping like crazy. It’s more like he just scratched his head in a huh kind of way. It felt like his life had been waiting for that day in April, like everything was at a standstill until he finally met Kurusu Akira. It made sense. Everything just makes sense when Akira’s involved.

Which just makes this all the more fucked up.

He knocks his head back against the wall, eyes stuck on the raindrops’ rapidly moving shadows on his bedroom floor. Karma. That’s probably what’s happening. The world still hasn’t forgiven him for losing his shit, so they decided to make him pine for the only person that he can’t afford to lose.

He can’t even stomach the idea of trying to get over it, to try and put distance between himself and Akira. He spent a lifetime waiting for a miracle, for someone who didn’t know existed. He’s not giving up a single second of time with him. That’s probably why the world relentlessly shits on him; he’s selfish enough to keep the feelings that he has. But he can’t bring himself to regret that decision. Not with the way his breath hitches in his throat whenever Akira walks into the room.

Ryuji’s in love with his best friend, and there’s absolutely nothing he can do about it. He’s accepted it. Just like how the sky is blue, or that he well and truly hates Calculus. It’s a factor of life.

The rain seemed to fall harder, droplets sounding like rigorous hail against the windowpane. He lets out a long yawn.

Ryuji’s in love with his best friend, and there’s absolutely nothing he can do about it.

That’s not the reason why he can’t sleep at night.

Akira is a quiet guy. He gets his point across with as few words as possible, as if each letter costs him fifty yen to say out loud. So he speaks through his expression; a quirk of his brow, a tilt of his head, a certain smile is enough to carry half of the conversation.

And, every once in a while, Akira gets a look.

It comes up at the weirdest times—when the two of them baton pass in the Metaverse, when Ryuji eats ramen too fast and gets sick, when he helps an old lady cross the street. Plenty of times it’s because Ryuji is doing something incredibly stupid (like when he said that the square root of sixteen is six, because if you just get rid of the one, then that makes sense, right?), or when they’re laughing so hard neither of them can breathe. But sometimes it comes up in quieter moments, too. The two of them talking quietly in the attic at Leblanc, or when Akira confesses that he’s relieved Ryuji’s always there for him. (As if there would ever be a time where he won’t be.)

The look is subtle enough to miss but easy to find if someone knows what they’re looking for. The usual attentiveness that resides in Akira’s eyes disappears, in its place a softer gaze; his pupils get dilated, and the edge of his eyes get all crinkled like Valentine’s tissue paper. A half-smile rests on his lips, never quite turning into a full-blown grin, but that’s okay. For some reason, it all reminds Ryuji of the moon. Of soft moonlight. Of streetlamps on empty roads.

Ryuji’s in love with his best friend, and there’s a small, tiny, infinitesimal chance that his best friend might love him back.

His eyelids slide shut, though he knows that it won’t be enough to let him rest.

Realistically, he’s probably wrong. Akira isn’t in love with him, and he’s only seeing what he wants to see. With every eligible person seeming to fall in love with him at some point in time, how would it even be possible that Akira would love him?

He rubs his eyes, desperate to get rid of the unending fatigue that’s plagued him for months on end. It doesn’t work.

Bad excuse. Akira does love him, just like he loves everyone he encounters and befriends and ends up risking his life for. Ryuji’s surprised Akira hasn’t passed out yet, given his bleeding heart for the entire population of Tokyo.

Lightning flashes and thunder rumbles as he rubs his eyes harder.

But what if he wasn’t wrong? What if the signals he’s seeing aren’t based on misunderstood yearning?

When his eyes start to burn, his fingers move up to his hair.

There’s no way in hell he’d ever risk losing his best friend. His partner. His Akira. It’s not something he can gamble. It’s not worth it.

He begins to tug, hands shaking, and he can barely feel the sting of pain from nearly pulling his hair out his scalp.

It’s not worth it. He decided that in the very beginning.

Ryuji buries his face into his palms.

But he is so, so exhausted of being tired.

Lightning flashes, and for a split-second, his room is bright.

Fuck it.

By the time thunder rumbles through his apartment, he’s already out the front door.

His sneakers squelch against the wet concrete, soaking his unsocked feet. He’s sprinting fast enough that the street lights around him blur, and he can feel quick breaths getting pulled out of him. It takes him a few seconds to realize that he forgot to wear a raincoat, but he doesn’t care.

Akira is his best friend. Akira accepted him, flaws and all. Akira loves him, one way or another. That’s what held him back. He can’t risk losing that.

Ryuji quickly checks both sides before running across the street, wiping the rain off his brow, and keeps going.

But that’s what should’ve pushed him into confessing sooner. Because if that’s all true, then that can only ever mean that Akira would accept this part of him too, right?

He jerks out of the way as he almost barrels over a fire hydrant, making him step into a deep puddle. It doesn’t slow him down.

Maybe he would’ve realized it sooner if he wasn’t too fucking tired to think straight.

His lungs begin to complain, his breaths turning to wheezes, but he ignores it in favor of going faster.

Too late for that now. All the matters now is to talk to—

He skids to a halt.

In front of him—eyes wide, hair drenched, no shoes—stands Kurusu Akira.

Ryuji’s mouth falls open, and for a minute, he almost laughs. Of course. He should’ve known. Just as he’s willing to sprint to Akira at an unholy hour in the night…

He smiles sheepishly at him, and Ryuji feels his chest constrict in the loveliest way possible.

…Akira would do the exact same thing for him.

The rain slows, and the thunder ceases for a moment. The world pauses long enough for both of them to speak in the same breath, the same heartbeat:

“I’m in love with you.”

[mnemehoshiko]

STAR WARS INTO DARKNESS

A (Salt) Review of Star Wars Episode 9: The Rise of Skywalker.

Warning 1: All opinions are mine and no one (sadly) paid me for them.

Warning 2: I’m going to strive to be charitable as possible. Keyword, STRIVE.

It finally came. The conclusion to the Skywalker Saga, a nine film series starting with Shmi Skywalker and her lineage. 

When we left the The Last Jedi; Finn was tenderly checking up on Rose who endangered her life to save him. Steadily finding his place in the Resistance and deciding that it was a cause worth fighting for. Ben Solo, also known to the galaxy as Kylo Ren, has just killed his life long abuser but failed to relinquish himself from the ties of the past. Rey was dealing with detaching herself from the idea that she needed to Be Someone in Order to Do Something only to realise that she, a nobody, was good enough. As Leia Organa said, we have all we need.

Cool right?

Yeah, just forget that movie. Actually, just forget like any development that occurred over the last two movies. Furthermore, turn your brain off. No, really please remove any kind of higher cognitive function and any knowledge of Star Wars beyond “pew, pew, pew” and “wOOO”. That’s literally the only way to truly enjoy this film.

This movie is a quest. A long big-budget multi-step fetch quest. Fetch quests are a common part of RPGs and can be enjoyable! Add to the narrative! Interactive. A movie that is nothing but fetch quest after fetch quest to the point that honestly, the first two thirds of the movie could have been dropped because it was so distressingly nonsensical. 

Loose summary; 

Ben Solo is on a planet. Being very very lorge and murking people left and right. Why? Because reasons. That this planet happens to be Mustafar and that he’s killing Vader Cultists evidently is not considered relevant. Even though Ben Solo introduction in TFA, which JJ wrote (with the assistance of Kasdan and Arndt), is basically as Vader’s #1 fanboy. But who cares about narrative information when you have sweet sweet red lighting and like a flight scene.

Anyway, Ben heads to Exegol because evidently that’s where the fancy schmancy totally Not A Holocron is directing him towards. In which he approaches some goth-esque temple with vats of Snokes. Yes, You Heard Correctly, Vats of Snokes. And Palpatine. Who’s just hanging on a crane. Just chillin’ and gleefully tells Ben Solo that he’s been every voice in his head since birth. So learning your abuser is still alive is totally dope. But hey, PALPATINE IS BACK! REMEMBER PALPATINE? ISN’T THAT COOL, yells JJ Terrio desperately trying to like Hype You Up And Remind You Of The Star Wars of Their Childhood.

Finn and Poe “I Have Literally No Purpose To Any of This Narrative and JJ Terrio is About to Fuck Over My Backstory” Dameron are getting data from a contact. For some reason a glorified dick-shaped Alien is there. Consequently, this is the same alien that replaced Rose Tico on merchandise. A reasonable person with minimal brain function would assume it’s because he plays a critical role in the plot.  Remember what I said about thinking? Stop it. Klaud is there primarily for you to admire that JJ’s tentacle kink is Alive and Well and Thus Everything Is True (tm) Star Wars Again. 

Rey is floating surrounded by rocks because That’s What Cool Jedi Do. Then she does a training course because after two films we have absolutely no proof that she has any fight training, according to Reddit and like JJ Terrio is trying to get Reddit to go to the Star Wars Prom with them. So, we need a training montage and Rey going to robo-Leia and saying that she will “earn [Leia’s] brother’s saber”. Why would she want to earn a grumpy curmudgeon who fucked over his only nephew and hid from his twin sister for years? Well, JJ Terrio dreamed of earning Luke’s saber and like what is the purpose of writing other than Wish Fulfillment.

Palpatine is back! Why? We don’t know and we don’t even know what he said because evidently it was decided that it belonged in Fortnite...instead of the film. Why? Here’s a lollipop and a pew pew to stop thinking sweetie. Either way he’s on Exegol and Rey saw notes scribbled in the margins that you need a Sith Holocro-- I mean ~Sith Wayfinder~ --because JJ has never seen Star Wars since he saw it in the theaters in 1983-- to get there. Which is on Pasaana.

WHICH IS HAVING SPACE BURNING MAN RIGHT NOW! (which happens every forty two years. Which is how long ago Star Wars Episode 4 Premiered. Remember fans! Isn’t that a Cool Thing To Drop? says JJ Terrio deftly skimming Reddit in order to gain fanbros love and affection and nostalgia boners.) LOOK AT ALL THE ALIENS DOING THE SPACE MACARENA! Because WOO DON’T YOU LOVE PARTY SCENES?

The force bond shows up and you can some how transfer stuff between the bond? Which like in the hands of another writer would be fascinating and engaging. Sadly, this is a JJ Terrio production and nuanced storytelling and dialogue is Fake and Not Star Wars.

Either way, Ben knows that they’re there and they are running from stormtroopers RIGHT INTO LANDO CALRISSIAN,-- remember him? goes JJ Terrio. You remember Lando right?. I do, I go. I’ve seen the movies and you’ve given no reason why Finn and Rey would know who the fuck he is seeing how he’s evidently been living as a hermit In The Same Outfit for over a decade. (BUT REMEMBER HIM, whines J.J. Terrio. Yes, I do. I SAW THE FUCKING OT JJ).

Anyway, more exposition occurs because JJ Terrio has no understanding how visual language works and it detracts from Real Star Wars Things Like - Space Chases - Pew Pew - Witty quips! because Witty quips! Are Important for A Star Wars, says JJ Terrio.

Nevermind that stormtroopers could fly since the Clone Wars and there’s literally no reason as to why Finn would not know this but like that would require you to give him

- a character arc - character growth - dialogue beyond “WOOOOO” and “REYYYYYY” (also side notes; it was depressing as fuck seeing Finn’s growth in TLJ to going beyond being Rey-centric to only spend the entire movie yelling a White Lady’s Name. I GO TO THE THEATRE TO NOT SEE REALITY, JJ.)

JJ Terrio: BUT HE’S FORCE SENSITIVE?? me, who’s been on the Finn is Force Sensitive Train since TFA: AND YOU DID ABSOLUTELY NOTHING WITH IT AND IMPLIED THAT IT WAS ONLY REASON HE WAS ABLE TO FIGHT THE STORMTROOPER PROGRAMMING??? (i.e. this is really fucking gross eugenics shit pls stop JJ Terrio and like just stop)

*deep breath*

ANYWAY, where was I? Oh yeah, Star Wars Into Darkness.

Either way, they find the Subtle Knife a Sith dagger? Along with force healing foreshadowing. But they have a dagger! Which They Can’t Read! But Threepio can! But He Can’t Say It Out Loud Because His Programming Forbids It.

And then the KoR, the galatic boy band, and Ben show up because of course. And they capture Chewie and put him on a transport.

Rey, of course, reaches out to Stop The Transport.

Ben, tries to stop her.

They to a back and forth that is similar to TLJ without any of the emotional build up of TLJ but that’s because JJ Terrio believes Emotions Are Not Star Wars.

And she lets loose LIGHTNING and makes the transport blow up and she believes Chewie is dead. Problem: Chewie isn’t dead. Which means she would be able to sense him in the Force. “But Mneme”, you say, “the Force isn’t like a GPS where you just Sense People.” That’s fair! Except....then...she does...when she’s on the Snow Planet. So like???

Either way, we have a Dagger that We Need to Read That Threepio Can’t Say Out Loud.

A Solution That Uses Braincells: well we know that the Millenium Falcon has three droid brains! So like we could just hook up Threepio to like the Falcon and transmit the codes and get some really great Easter eggs re: the Falcon and like the setup of the ship! 

....

JJ Terrio: OR WE COULD GO TO THIS SNOW PLANET me: wha-- JJ Terrio: SNOW PLANET WHERE POE DAMERON RAN SPICE me: did you just make....your Only Latino Character Into A---Drug Runner JJ Terrio: REMEMBER HAN SOLO?? HE’S JUST LIKE HIM!!! me: pls stawp pls, I’m begging you stawp JJ Terrio: ALSO LOOK AT HIM FLIRTING WITH A GIRL SO HE’S LIKE OBVIOUSLY STRAIGHT me: bi....people.....exist...like...that is...a thing JJ TERRIO: ALSO WE’LL SHOW U HER EYES TO SHOW THAT SHE’S HUMAN AND NOT A WEIRD ALIEN BECAUSE POE DAMERON IS A RED BLOODED AMERICAN LIKE REDDIT  me: pls....stop...why....

anyway, he needs a memory wipe in order for it. Which is a really touching scene....or would have been if it wasn’t immediately retconned because like R2 has backups. So like whoo.

So that’s like *two* instances of fakeout death because like Nothing Is Of Consequence Because Star Wars.

Except Leia dying because fuck moms, say JJ Terrio. Moms are Not Star Wars. The Reddit bros have now started to return their text messages.

More busy stuff happens. Hux dies. I wasn’t able to thoroughly enjoy it because by this point I had A Headache from all the Pew Pew and Wooooo~~.

Ben tells Rey that like ~her power is Palpatines power because like How Else Can Rey Be Powerful.” Does this make any sense? Not at all but like Don’t Think Too Hard.

He also finally takes off his stupid helmet that was glued together by ~Sith Alchemy~ that they bought from Space!Michaels.

Rey is vaguely disraught but like She Finally Has A Purpose and the Reddit Bros are Appeased.

More shit happens. Does it matter? Not really.

They meet Jannah! She’s cool and has the exact same backstory as Finn. Because in Star Wars There Are Only (2) Backstories for black characters.  They line up the dagger that is old as fuck with the death star wreckage. Which lines up exactly. Evidently erosion is Not A Thing. 

Finn and Jannah and basically go, Wow Isn’t It Rad That Because We Have The Force We [Finn, Jannah and her crew] Were Able To Reject Brainwashing and Bounce Because We Have The Force.

Rey runs off and Finn yells “REY!!” at some point but at least he knows his best angles while he does it.

Rey meets Dark!Rey who’s a vision....for five seconds. Because Remember if Girls Go Dark They Have Sinned In The Eyes of The Force. Ben shows up and crushes the Holocron because I refuse to call it that stupid-ass name-- dear fucking lord his hand is big--and WELP I GUESS I HAVE THE ONLY ONE.

They fight because We Need A Light Saber Fight Except This One is So Lackluster.

Then Leia reaches out to do something that will use up all her strength says Maz. How does Maz know this? Idk but she’s played by Lupita N’yongo so at least it sounds Deep And Wise because That’s Why You Cast Black People...to sound deep and wise. =_= **deeper breathe**

Anyway, she reaches out to her son! Her son hears her? I think? Either way it distracts him which lets Rey impale him. Except then she heals him?? And is like, I wanted to take your hand, Ben’s hand. which like I’d be fine with if like the movie had like worked for it. But like That Would Involve Actual Conversations Between Characters and We Are Going At 34243242432 pps (parsecs per second) and thus DO NOT HAVE TIme For That.

Ben then has a rehash of the scene from TFA because JJ Terrio is a fucking hack and is unable to create original material and this would have been meaningful if like Any of the Emotions Had Been Earn in The Fucking Film. But hey, I felt .75 of an emotion when Han Solo cradled his cheek so I will accept this. Then he yeets his saber into the ocean. Because. Yeet. Sadly, this movie is Not Over and My Suffering Will Not End

Poe and Finn head back to base with Jannah because I guess that’s what we’re doing? They find out that Leia is dead etc etc etc. The Resistance has a Circle Planning Session for the Final Battle that JJ Terrio lifted straight from ROTJ and the Reddit Bros brought them a corsage for Fanbro Prom. I am reminded that ROTJ was better than this garbage that I Paid Actual Money To Watch. Rey heads to Fish Nun island and decides to pull a Luke Skywalker move even we learned from the Last Movie (TLJ) why that was a Bad Idea but you know WE GET TO SEE LUKE AGAIN IS A GARBAGE WIG BECAUSE REDDIT BROS AMIRITE? We get the most hamfisted performance out of Mark Hamill and I’m just like damn The Last Jedi as a fucking gift and a _Jedi’s weapon is important_ platitude like his dad wasn’t yeeting his saber left and right. But Who Cares About Canon When We Have Pew Pew Pew Pew.

Luke tells her that Yes He And Leia Always Knew She Was A Palpatine which like means - Leia literally did not learn from the Last Time She Obscured Someone’s Parentage and the Fall Out - Actively lied to Rey - Luke actively lied to Rey - jfc this poor girl has been aggressively lied by most of the authority adults in her life??? - HER PARENTS SOLD HER TO PROTECT HER which is such a fucking damning think along with the fact that her parents are idiots and like didn’t think to take her to the new republic and like THERE ARE 23432432 things wrong with this set up but that is a Whole ‘Nother Rant

Also evidently? Leia ended her Jedi Journey (which abbreviated as JJ, coincidence? I THINK NOT.) because she saw her sons demised but evidently....couldn’t sense her son being groomed by Snoke, creation of Palpatine and like this entire movie makes Leia look like an ineffectual idiot?? Like I was really hoping that Leia was going to be able to escape the “Fuck Mom’s” curse of Star Wars BUT I GUESS THAT BECAUSE THAT’S NOT ~true star wars~

Anyway, evidently Leia gave him her saber which I guess she made but no one decided to show that but instead some freakish CGI (that they swore they wouldn’t do) fight scene because like Leia Obviously Isn’t A Real Force User Unless You Use A Lightsaber. The Reddit Bros Nod Sagely. So Rey decides to go to Exegol.....using the Luke’s X-Wing. The Reddit Bros are weeping tears of joy at this point.  The Resistance starts their FINAL ASSAULT! THEY HAVE SPACE HORSES RIDING ON A SHIP BECAUSE DOESN’T THAT LOOK COOL! FINN KIND OF USES THE FORCE. THEY DECIDE TO BLOW UP THE STAR DESTROYERS BECAUSE FUCK CHILD SOLDIERS AMIRITE (rip Finn’s Stormtrooper backstory that JJ constructed that He Couldn’t Even Be Arse To Complete or like Think Of Because Like That Would Be Nuanced Shit but like He Gets to - Jump Over Things! - Run! - Know His Angles - Yell desperately After A White Lady because ahahahahha fuck WOC when there’s white p*ssy on the line AMIRITE?)

Either way they’re in trouble and Poe is dismayed and is like yo i’m sorry we’re doomed. Because...that’s.....what generals do. Give The Fuck Up.  BUT DON’T WORRY LANDO IS HERE TO SAVE THE DAY BECAUSE EVIDENTLY WHILE THE GALAXY IGNORED LEIA ORGANA’S PLEAS, THEY LISTENED TO LANDO

(Crack theory: He hit up all his exes.)

Rey flies to Exegol to confront Grandpalps. Who never wanted her dead but to become Empress after spending 2.5 movies wanting her dead via puppet!Snoke. Also kudos to JJ Terrio to making a Sith Temple be so fucking boring and lackluster. That Took Skill.\

ANYWAY SHE SEES HER FRIENDS IN TROUBLE MUCH LIKE IN TLJ and in ROTJ but JJ Terrio really really loves his nostalgia and ROTJ was very very very formative evidently. She’s about to Strike Him Down In Anger And Absorb Grandpapa’s essence in order to save her friends but WAIT WHO IS THIS IDIOT RUNNING IN WITH NO FUCKING PLAN Yes, it is Ben Solo channeling his father. As carrying the blaster that Lando gifted to him in Aftermath but like we can only suppose that because who Needs Convos When You Have Pew Pew Pew~ His former Knights show up (who have also never spoken because hahahahah dialogue? Sounds fake. Also moment of Silence of Rian who kept them alive and used Praetorian guards in TLJ instead because he assumed that JJ made them for a meaningful reason because he was Unaware That JJ Was A Fucking Hack)

Anyway, Rey senses him! They do a super cool force bond moment that actually Pays Off and Rey hands off her saber to Ben. Through the force. It’s dope.

#BenSoloChallenge happens.

[In spite of like No Speaking At All, Adam Driver successfully channels the aura of Han Solo in spite of JJ Terrio desperately Insisting That Poe Dameron is Obviously Han Look He Even Ran Spice!!! Look!!]

Eventually they both stand before Palpatine Ready To Throw Down except in stand Palps leeches the lifeforce from them and then yeets Ben into a pit and Rey collapses.

THEN ALL THE JEDI FROM THE MOVIES AND CLONE WARS INCLUDE AHSOKA WHICH MAKES NO SENSE GIVEN CLONE WARS BUT WHAT EVER DON’T YOU FEEL VALIDATED!!! FANS!!! SCREAMS JJ TERRIO

me: no.

Rey pulls a Wonder Woman move because all you need to do to redirect Force Lightning is cross your light sabers.  Anyway, that effort kills her (or like maybe not? Says Terrio in multiple interviews because men from Harvard Literally Never Shut Up.)

Ben somehow?? Climbs?? Out of the pit?? Under his own power because The Jedi Still Haven’t Forgiven the Skywalker Line for Anakin. Even though Anakin also reached out to Rey? I’m just assuming the soul of St. Maul of the Pit was yelling angry motivational speeches to get him out of the pit while St. Ventress adding sarcasm commentary comparing Ben and his namesake. 

EITHER WAY HE’S OUT OF THE PIT! And is like in agony because Rey is uh in limp ragdoll mode so probably dead? We’re gonna go with dead.

He limps over to her because uh evidently getting yeeted into a pit is Not Good For Ones Health or Limbs.

Ben cradles her in his arms and at that moment I had to Apologize For Everyone I Dragged for Size Kink because Adam Driver is Fucking Large and His Hand is Fucking Huge and I, Mneme, Was Wrong You Are Valid.

*cough* where was I? Ah yes, he’s cradling her in his arms realizing she’s dead and I guess? Channeling the force to heal her. Which it does.

He’s happy! She’s happy!

She says “Ben” breathlessly. 

AND THEN SHE SNOGS HIM LIKE THE AWKWARD VIRGINS THAT THEY ARE.

The Force realizes that a Male Skywalker is Getting A Boner and Goes Nope. And he just collapses and fades away at the same time that Leia fades away because ~symmetry~.  Was a war going on? Uh maybe but like LETS NOT WORRY ABOUT LOGISTICS BUT INSTEAD CUT TO EWOKS!! WE ALL LOVE EWOKS RIGHT!! Rey flies back to Ajan Kloss. Poe, Finn, and Rey hug because this movie is almost over and they can stop trying to sell a non-existent trio created because JJ didn’t have the balls to let Poe stay dead in TFA.

Commander D’Arcy kisses her wife in the background but no one really notices and it was cut in Singapore but like JJ Terrio are Woke AF Y’ALL but not too woke because else they’ll get dumped by Reddit Bros.

No, we are Sadly Not Done.

LETS GO TO A SAND PLANET. No, it’s not Jakku it’s Tatooine~ DON’T YOU GUYS REMEMBER TATOOINE!! go JJ Terrio.

You mean the planet where Anakin Skywalker was a slave, Luke Skywalker desperately wanted to leave, and Leia Organa was put into that humiliated outfit? Yes. I remember.

REY’S HERE TO BURY LUKE AND LEIA’S SABERS HERE!! At the Lars homestead that is somehow intact....in spite of Jawas. 

What wha-- why??, you may ask.

Well Luke never got to show Leia his home planet, goes JJ Terrio. Literally anyone who saw ROTJ.....they were on it in then?? JJ Terrio: i can’t see mariah carey dot gif

Rey also shows off her new lightsaber that was evidently crafted from her staff but we were not shown that  on screen because like It Was Considered To Emotional for this Film.

Then finally some old woman passes by and is like Who are you? Rey: Rey Old Nosy Lady: Rey who? *Rey stares at the Force Ghosts of Luke and Leia looking like her parents* Rey: Rey Skywalker JJ TERRIO: SEEEEE WE DID REY SKYWALKER!!! AREN’T WE COOL me: she took the name of a grumpy old man who rejected her and whom she bounced off with his shit because he was being a dick....OKAY JAN

(ffs they could have let her take the name Organa but like Fuck Women amirite? *DRINKS*)

and yeah that’s it. Kid that was brainwashed as a child was reduced to going WHOOOOO every 5 seconds with no thought regarding his fellow stormtroopers who are still brainwashed.

Kid that was abandoned under the guise of ~love~ and sold to an abusive guardian and struggled and starved for years returns to a planet of sand and yes I know that she is probably going else where but that was a choice they made to have the last shot of her Alone with a Droid staring at the twin suns because JJ Terrio have been doing nothing but spraying nostalgia in my face for just under 2 and a half hours.

Kid who was actively groomed since childhood and only just now released from said clutches but lol can’t atone because he dead now.

Kid who lost her sister to the machine of war is pushed aside because she dared to exist.

and Poe.

The End of the Skywalker Saga y’all.

Bonus: “Uh, Mneme what about Rose?” She got exactly a 76 seconds that she acted her heart out in but evidently seeing a non-submissive Asian woman in Star Wars was too much for people last film so that uh Essentially Cut Her Out. Don’t worry they made sure to give her a quarter of a page in the visual dictionary and the Merry the Hobbit two page spread. So like Don’t Worry The Asian Girl Will Not Hurt You. “Mneme, what as the point of Poe?” Fuck, if I fucking know.

“Uh Mneme, the Only Reason Finn Didn’t Have An Arc Is Because of KYLE RON!!!!” 

Exhibit A

Exhibit B

Exhibit C

trust me, it really wasn’t.

[silwenworld]

Sudoku - Chapter 2

Summary: Nicholas Rush was like one, giant, brain-damaging sudoku which when one thought to have all figured out changed all the variables, leaving them in no better position when they had started, but when an accident during exploration of the newest part of the ship has dire consequences for the scientist the rest will have to do their best to help the man they had all thought to be an emotionless bastard. [Chapter 1] [AO3] Drifting in nothingness, not knowing who or where he was, was a weird, if not unsettling feeling. He was a person, a male, a... husband? Or at least he had been, once. Not anymore. Or maybe?

He wished he could understand what was happening to him.

Nick. It's not real.

Wasn't it?

*

Colonel Everett Young swept his hand over his tired eyes, sighing as he lowered himself into the chair. Rush had been in and out of consciousness for the last couple of days, and one could only guess how he would act each time. It wasn't constant - and TJ couldn't explain what was happening to the man even if she wanted to. She was just as lost as the Colonel.

One could think that being stranded on an alien ship in a faraway and foreign galaxy was the worst thing that could happen to a person. Young could believe that it had been what everyone had thought, at least at first, but it seemed that with every passing day, the universe made its sole purpose of proving to them that they had been, in fact, very wrong. In the latest couple of days, the Colonel grew to realise that losing one's mind was, in fact, the worst thing that could happen - Not being left for dead on an unknown planet, experimented on by the aliens, nor losing someone who you had probably loved. No.

Watching Rush was painful, to say the least. When awake, he would either be confused, angry or scared. Young had seen how fear had looked like in the other man's eyes, but this time, it was eternally different. It was a deep and profound dread of not knowing who or where one was and so unfitting for Rush that it left Young deeply unsettled every time it had happened.

There had been days when the scientists didn't recognise any of them - not Young, not TJ, Eli, or even Chloe. The only person he would have vaguely responded and actively had searched for had been his wife, whom - at least to Colonel's knowledge - had been dead for quite some time, which was problematic on a whole different level. But now, as he watched Rush flinch in his sleep, Young didn't know which was worse - that or when the man woke up with no recognition at all.

"Get your hands off me!"

"What's going on? Stay the hell away!"

Everett could feel the chill going down his body at the memory of those empty and scared eyes, so unlike Rush's that they could belong to a different person.

"What's happening to me?"

He shook his head. It was a good thing that Rush lost consciousness even quicker after those episodes than the other ones. They were disturbing but rarer as time went by, and they still didn't know why.

It almost looked as if...

No.

"I'm doctor Nicholas Rush. I'm a math teacher, not a soldier or any of that stupid stuff, and I don't know any of you. Have you seen Gloria?"

Young swallowed. If Rush's brain was resetting itself, one could only hope it would come on the right track with time. But knowing their luck, it would be anything but that simple.

"Don't hit me!"

Young just hoped he would be wrong for all their sake.

"Um, I think I hit my head or something? I hate to be a bother..."

He sighed again and looked down at the time on his wristwatch. If the pattern had been any clue at all, Rush should be waking up in about three minutes. But would it be Rush or the man who Young didn't recognise at all?

*

Eli dried his sweaty palms against his trousers as he walked to his destination. Truth be told, he had avoided the infirmary like the plague. That one time when Rush had woken up screaming and trashing still hunted his dreams, but with each passing day, Eli felt more and more guilty. And if Colonel Young, whose dislike for the Scotsman was no secret, could sit with the man more times than not, then so could he.

And honestly, he missed Rush, even if he couldn't bring himself to say it out loud. It had been awfully quiet without the man, and even Brody had remarked the other day that not hearing Rush's complaints had been just weird. He took a deep breath and shook his shoulders. He was no Rocky, but it felt as if going to the ring nevertheless. Exhaling, he hit the button, squinting his eyes as the door opened.

The first thing that Eli noticed when walking in was a tense atmosphere. There was just something in the air that spoke of tension, thick enough to cut it with a knife, slowly suffocating and making him absently reach to the collar of his hoodie. Then there were voices - raised and almost close to shouting. Or at least one was; the other sounded a lot calmer as if trying to pacify the first. It was easy to distinguish which belonged to whom just by the tone alone.

Rush was awake. And judging by what Eli was hearing, he wasn't pleased, but he sounded so much like his old-self that Eli felt his heart beating faster with hope. Hope that extinguished quickly like a fragile flame as soon as he got closer.

"Rush, calm down," Colonel Young said in a tone suggesting that it hadn't been for the first time. He held his arms outstretched, palms open, trying to look as unthreateningly as possible.

"Calm down? I am calm!" The scientist shouted, clearly agitated. "It's you who seems not to understand the simple aspect of question and answer!"

"I've already answered your question."

"Well, you're wrong! But what else could I expect!"

Eli didn't understand what was going on in the slightest, but even if it was the first time since days that Rush had looked and more or less acted like himself, but judging by Colonel's posture, something was still very seriously wrong.

"Um," Eli took a shaky step forward, waving awkwardly in greeting, hoping to defuse the tense atmosphere, even if a little. "Isn't it the right time?"

Rush's eyes darted towards him, and Eli could have wept at the recognition visible in them.

"Tell him, Mr Wallace," Rush said, which made him even more confused.

"Tell what?"

"She's not here, Rush," Young interrupted.

"I didn't ask you!" He snapped.

"Guys? What should I tell?" Now, Eli knew that something was definitely wrong. He didn't like the way Rush looked now. His skin became sickly grey in a matter of seconds, his eyes glistening.

"That she's on the ship!" Rush shouted over Young protests, his gaze fixed pleadingly on Eli, his hands twisted in the sheets to the point there were completely white.

"Who?"

"You know who - Gloria! My wife!"

What?

"Rush - "The Colonel tried once again, taking a step forward and putting his hand on the man's shoulder, which seemed to be a mistake.

"Don't 'Rush' me!" the scientist threw Young's hand away, almost backing against the head of the bed. "I have evident memories of coming to this ship with my wife, so stop fucking around!"

Eli could only stare, lost for words as the Colonel tried to pacify Rush without simply knocking him over the head. This was bad. No, worse - just what exactly did it mean?

And Rush was getting paler by the second and not calmer at all. Young seemed to notice it also because he clutched Rush by the shoulders, ignoring the other man's protests.

"Eli, get TJ," he said.

"Don't you dare -" Rush tried to get himself free.

"Eli. Now," the Colonel repeated, not taking his eyes off Rush. Eli nodded, and with a final distressed look over his shoulder, he ran.

Young's focus was eternally on the scientist who tried to wrestle himself free, but his struggles became weaker with every second. The Colonel felt like shouting and punching something, and this time, surprisingly, it wasn't the Scotsman. Everett should have sensed that Rush wasn't alright, but when the man had woken up and recognised him, Young had felt so relieved that it took him a moment to notice the signs. It hadn't taken long for the scientist to complain about the music that only he could have heard and then to insist that there should have been someone else in the room too. The noise Young could ignore, but the indication that one was insisting on the fact that his dead wife wasn't, in fact, dead, he could not.

"Let go of me, Colonel."

"You're not well, Rush."

"Why the hell are you lying?!"

There was sweat on the man's braw that hadn't been there before, and his skin looked grey, almost ashen.

"I know what I know. What have you done to her?!" The man struggled again.

"I did nothing -"

"If you harmed her -"

"Rush!"

"You were speaking with her, for God's sake! I know she's here!" the man's voice hitched with desperation, breaking at the last word, similar to a broken sob.

That gave Young a pause. He knew he didn't, so why did Rush remembered something that clearly hadn't happened? He didn't have time to ponder about it nor answer because the scientist suddenly doubled over, clutching his head and groaning as the Colonel tightened his grip around his shoulders, almost taking all his weight.

"Rush? Talk to me," Young tried to catch the man's attention, but it didn't seem to work.

"It's louder," the scientist gritted through his teeth.

"What is?"

"The music, It's - God," Rush groaned louder, bitting on his tongue to stop himself from shouting as he sagged against the Colonel.

Where the hell was TJ?

"Come on, stay with me, genius. Come on, Rush."

"It's not your head -" the man mumbled, but suddenly he gagged, and Young had only a split second to turn him to the side, preventing him from throwing up all over the bed.

"TJ!" He shouted. How could it get so bad in such a short time?!

"Coming!" Tamara appeared beside him, quickly asserting Rush's condition with a concerned frown. She had to dodge the man's arm that somehow broke free of the Colonel's hold.

"Sedate him," Young met her eyes over Rush's shoulder, making it an order. Rush was bearly coherent now, groaning in pain yet still straining against Young's attempts to hold him down.

"Gloria..." The word was bearly audible, but Young had heard it enough times already to recognise the meaning behind it. His face hardened.

"TJ. Now."

She nodded, and when Rush sagged in his hold minutes after the injection, Young took a step back and dragged a hand through his hair.

"What the hell was that?"

Oh. He nearly forgot about Eli. The younger man was staring at them with unease in his eyes, arms close to the chest as if trying to separate the scene in front of his eyes from himself. Young dipped his head and sighed.

"That's what I would like to know. TJ?"

He turned back to her, waiting for her reply. The frown on her face grew deeper as she listened to Rush's heart through the stethoscope. Her fingers never leaving the spot on the man's neck.

"His heart rate is all over the place," she mumbled. "Eli, could you bring me the pressure gauge? It's on one of the tables over there."

"How is he?" He asked as Eli ran where directed. TJ removed the stethoscope from her ears and proceeded to fill a new syringe.

"Not good, but that's not a surprise... How long did it take?"

"He woke up just fine. Knew where and who he was and recognised me."

She glanced up.

"That's a new one."

"Yeah. He sees his wife or thinks she's here on the ship. One of the two," he added, wearily.

TJ stilled before administrating the medicine, frowning at Young. "Isn't his wife...?"

"Dead. Yes," Young confirmed, glancing down at the now unconscious scientist. "As far as I know."

She nodded and proceeded to treat her patient, and Young closed his eyes briefly. God, he needed a drink.

"Sir, you said that he appeared fine after waking up," TJ started after covering Rush with a blanket, making Young open his eyes. "When did it got worse?"

Young frowned, thinking hard. It was hard to pinpoint the exact moment. They had been shouting, and then Rush almost doubled over, but it couldn't have happened so quickly...

"The more the Colonel insisted Rush was mistaken, the worse he looked," Eli spoke slowly, and all head turned towards him.

"What do you mean?" Young asked.

Eli handed TJ the pressure gauge and scratched his head. "When you insisted on his wife not being here -"

"Well, she's not."

"Yeah, but it seemed to make him worse."

Young turned to Tamara.

"TJ?"

"I need to scan his head," she said, not looking up. "You got that ancient device working? The one that probably works like MRI?"

"Yeah, I think it works," Eli nodded. "You want me to get it?"

"Please."

"I don't think I like the look on your face, lieutenant," Young waited until Eli had left, but there was no denying that something didn't sit well with Tamara.

"I think it would be better if I was the one he wakes up to next time, sir," she started. "There's something I need to confirm."

Young searched her face for any clues but found it impossible to find any. She looked tired, though, and it had him wondering how bad he must be looking. He glanced back at Rush. Thankfully, when sedated, he didn't look in pain.

"All right," Young nodded. "Keep me posted."

*

It wasn't the violin this time, but the soft sound produced by a precise and gentle touch of piano keys. He felt as if he could stay just like that - lost in the sound. There was no pain nor confusion in here, just darkness that embraced him from every corner yet strangely soothing.

Rush remembered as he played those soft tunes. He wasn't the best player, a moderately good on the best of days, but Gloria liked to listen to him playing. It relaxed her, drove her worries away, and he was more than willing to do just that for her. No one else had heard him playing. Never. Just her - only for her.

Yet this time, he knew it wasn't his fingers gliding across the keys. His arms lay limply by his sides, unmoving, but the music was still playing. He looked around, but there was just nothing out there. He was alone. So, where did the sound come from? And why did it feel like somebody was caressing his hair?

Come on, Nick. Wake up.

The touch became firmer, and the sound of the piano morphed into sharp violin sounds, too loud to be comfortable. He winced at the sudden stab of pain behind his left eyeball and almost missed the darkness changing to grey smoke. Slowly, he forced his eyes open. He didn't succeed, not at first as his eyelids felt heavy, and the light that struck him when they lifted forced them back down. It took a couple of tries and then some to get the room to focus, but it wasn't hard to guess where he was - Destiny's infirmary had a specific pattern to its ceiling.

His mind felt groggy, but it was no surprise, considering the last thing he remembered was the feeling of the anaesthetic entering his system. Slowly, Rush turned his head to the side and smiled slightly.

"Hey," his voice was hoarse from the drugs and vomiting, but it still won him a smile back from the person sitting beside him—the same one who was still stroking his head as he leaned into the touch.

"Hey yourself," she answered tenderly and scooted closer, kissing his hand. "You had me worried."

"Sorry. Ugh," moving hadn't been the right choice, it seemed, as his whole body felt stiff and painful. He wondered if it was due to being thrown across the room or staying too long in bed. Maybe both.

It all felt like a dream.

"Don't move, or you'll tear the stitches," she gently pushed him back against the hard mattress, and he went down without protest. He could never say no to her. "You know it almost feels like payback," she added, and he raised an eyebrow. "You stayed by my side so many times that now it's my turn, but please, don't make it a habit."

"It's not intentional."

"And antagonising the colonel?"

"Still, not intentional."

She smiled slightly at that and stood up from the chair, a few blond locks escaped her bun, and he had to resist the urge to tuck it back behind her ear.

"I'm going to get Lt. Johansen," she bent down and kissed him gently on the lips that he returned without hesitation. "Don't rush it," she warned, and he grinned at the pun.

He watched her walk away, and the feeling he got at the sight didn't sit well with him at all. It was as if something wasn't as it should be, and a profound fear twisted his gut.

"Gloria?" she turned around with question in her eyes. "I love you, you know that?"

"Of course I do. Rest. I love you too."

Rush didn't want to close his eyes. He wanted to see her come back like he wasn't entirely sure she would, but he didn't know what could prompt such fear. He could hear the soft hum of Destiny's engines, comforting him at the same time as her lights blinded him and before he knew it, his eyes closed. When they opened, it wasn't Gloria leaning over him but Lt. Johansen, and he couldn't help but look around, searching.

"How are you feeling?" the medic asked, and he rubbed his eyes.

"Is the Colonel here?"

Johansen's mouth twitched. "No."

""Then like shit."

The woman smiled. "I can imagine. Any double vision?"

"A little blurry but not double. No."

"We really need to get you new glasses somehow," she admitted. "It's good to see you awake and coherent, to be honest."

He smiled slightly, trying to relax, but somehow he found it very hard.

"Yeah, so my wife told me," he frowned. "What's that face for, lieutenant?" he asked when spotting TJ expression. Was it something he had said? But she shook her head and pulled out her flashlight.

"Can you follow the flashlight for me? Only with your eyes, keep your head straight."

"All right."

"Let me know if you get double vision at any point."

He nodded and let her examine him while not being able to shake the feeling of wrongness that rolled off her in waves. When she got to the halfway point into his cranial nerves examination, he grew impatient.

"Lieutenant, stop betting around the bush and tell me what's going on."

She stopped in the middle of checking his facial muscles strength and looked for something in his eyes. Rush didn't know what it was or had she found it, but then she sat back in the chair and leaned towards him.

"What is the last thing you remember?"

"You plunging a syringe into my arm, but somehow I got a feeling it's not what you're asking about." Rush narrowed his eyes. His head began to throb slightly, not hard enough to be a bother but still not eternally possible to ignore, but he focused on TJ that fidgeted slightly in her seat. "Ugh, a robotic wire throwing me against a wall... I think I sat on the chair?"

TJ nodded, confirming his suspicions. Well, the neurological exam made sense then. "And before that?" She added.

He frowned, thinking. Why was that important?

"I think Gloria's nagging that I should tell the Colonel where we were going? I asked her to do it in my stead. Young has a lot better tolerance for her than me," He chuckled, but it died down as soon as he saw TJ expression. "What is it?"

She took a deep breath in.

"I have reasons to believe that the machine - the chair, had done something to your brain. We still don't know what exactly, but it looks like it tried to rewrite your cortex."

He didn't like the sound of it.

"To what point?"

"We don't know. But you may experience two sets of memories. One true and one -"

"Think very carefully about your next words, lieutenant." He cut in, his voice cold as a steal.

"Excuse me?"

"I know what you're going to insinuate - the Colonel went exactly the same route even if less sophisticated. Now, let me tell exactly the same thing that I've told him - that's bullshit."

"Doctor Rush -"

"How should I know that this is real, then?" he said pointedly. "That this conversation is really happening?"

"What?"

"I have a very vivid memory of holding my wife's hand when going through the stargate," no chance in hell it wasn't real. Why wouldn't it be? "I remember Mr. Brody making her a violin from spare metal parts that sounds dreadful, but she was as thankful for it as if he had given her the Stradivarius. How can you even think that any of it is a lie?" His tone became desperate as he searched for any indication in TJ eyes that he didn't make that all up. They were the ones mistaken! Not him! "Shit!" He clutched his head that suddenly felt like somebody had split it open with a machete, and Johansen jumped from her seat.

"Where does it hurt?"

"Head. Again." He groaned. Just what exactly did that bloody chair did to him?

"Doctor Rush, I need you to focus on something else," Johansen's voice sounded detached, and it took him a moment to understand and comprehend the meaning behind her words.

"Come again?" Was that his voice? It sounded too strained and far away.

"Your brain is forcing you into a seizure. I need you to focus on something else and not giving it a medium to feed on."

He could feel his leg twitch uncontrollably, and a sudden fear gripped him. If what TJ had said was true, then nobody knew what a seizure could do to an already damaged brain. Rush tried to push his thoughts away from the arising conflict in his head, but no matter how much he tried, the pain only grew worse. Because how could somebody insist that Gloria wasn't real? What had happened to her, then? How -

" - need to ho...d.. it.. to...ther. Your wife will be here in a moment."

"What did you say?" He groaned, blinking.

"I sent her to get the Colonel."

Johansen didn't look comfortable, far from it, but that fact escaped him entirely. All he could focus on was the case that the splitting headache, so profound just a second ago, now seemed to be only lurking somewhere far away, like a distant memory.

"It's... It's gone..." he whispered, confused.

TJ nodded, but she was unable to meet his gaze. There was sadness in her that he didn't understand and something more... something that kept escaping his mind.

"Try to relax, alright?" she asked while standing up. Somehow he wasn't reassured by the fake smile on her face. "I need to scan your head. Eli got the ancient MRI working. I'll be back in a minute."

"Lieutenant?" She turned around at his voice. A sudden spike of pain behind his left eyeball made him wince, but he swallowed the groan down, clenching his fists to distract himself. "If what you say is true, then how can I be certain what is happening and what isn't? Can you prove to me that this conversation right now is really happening?"

This time she didn't drop her gaze.

"We'll figure it out," she said.

He didn't feel better at all.

Nick. It's not real.

Wasn't it?

[artificialqueens]

Let the Love be Your Life (Branjie) - Athena2

Summary: After their kid doesn’t know one of their favorite movies, Brooke and Vanessa have a little movie marathon introducing favorite movies to them.

A/N: This is a Christmas gift for Writ because they’re the absolute best. It also fulfills the prompt ‘List’ for Ficmas over @writethehousedown, so you can find it there as well! It’s pretty much pure fluff and I hope you enjoy! I’d appreciate any feedback you have!

Also, thank you to everyone who’s read and commented on my fics this past year. It’s been a really hard year for most of us, and sharing my stories with you made it a little brighter for me, and I hope for you as well.

Title from Mother from Carole and Tuesday.

—

“Brooke, can you get me a bowl?” Vanessa calls over from the stove, where she’s stirring a pot of rice.

“As you wish.” Brooke snorts after she says it, trading smiles with Vanessa. One of their favorite movies, and the first couples costume they did all those years ago for Nina’s world-famous–or at least city-famous–Halloween party, where there was always full catering, a DJ, and at least one rumored celebrity hidden behind a mask. One person isn’t smiling though, and it’s their kid, pausing table-setting to stare at them.

“‘As you wish?’” Sam repeats in confusion. “What is this, the Middle Ages?”

Brooke’s mouth falls open. “What? No, it’s from a movie.”

“Oh.” Sam shrugs and goes back to setting the table, clearly unimpressed.

Vanessa is nowhere near as calm, her wooden spoon clattering on the counter. “Brooke, our child doesn’t know The Princess Bride!” She leaves the stove to stand by Brooke, shaking her head in outrage.

“We’ve officially failed as parents,” Brooke agrees.

Sam rolls their eyes. “It’s just some old movie, right?”

“‘Some old movie,’” Vanessa mutters under her breath. “‘Some old movie.’ Brooke, we gotta fix this.”

Brooke nods. She and Vanessa have always let Sam be themself, reading and watching stuff freely, as long as it wasn’t too dark or upsetting. But in all that, they must have forgotten to show Sam all the movies they had wanted to, the movies that Brooke and Vanessa love.

When Vanessa got stuck on bed rest towards the end of her pregnancy, she watched movies to pass the time, and Brooke joined her when she could, rubbing Vanessa’s aching back and massaging her shoulders, doing anything she could to make her more comfortable. They talked about all the movies they wanted to watch after their baby was born, the things they wanted to do and memories they wanted to make as a family. They had even made a list of movies, but it got lost somewhere in the chaos of having a new baby. Sam might be nine now, but they can still make those memories, and Brooke claps her hands. “We need a movie marathon!”

Vanessa jumps up and down. “Yeah! This week, we’re gonna watch a bunch of movies! Sammy’s on winter break, it’s perfect! We can do one every night! Peter Pan, and the Peanuts, and Muppets Christmas Carol–”

“Jurassic Park,” Brooke adds, grabbing a notebook and pen. “And Star Wars, and Matilda … my movies are way better than yours, babe.”

“Nuh-uh!” Vanessa yells. “Mine are classics!”

“I guess Sam will be the judge of that, then.” Brooke grins.

“They will be, and you can do dishes for a week when they like mine better,” Vanessa says, raising her eyebrow mischievously.

“What do I get if I win?” Brooke asks. It better be something good, something Vanessa hates as much as Brooke hates doing dishes.

Vanessa thinks. “I’ll do the laundry for a week.”

Vanessa hates folding clothes since she does it all day in her boutique. Brooke doesn’t mind laundry, exactly, but she’ll happily let Vanessa take over and fold the endless amounts of clothes for a week.

“Deal.” Brooke smiles, all thoughts of rivalry gone and replaced with excitement of the memories they’ll make.

—

i. The Princess Bride

“Okay, is everyone ready?” Brooke stands in front of the TV, making sure Vanessa and Sam are settled on the couch with pillows and blankets and the cats, canyon-sized bowl of popcorn and cupcakes from Brooke’s sister Kameron’s bakery all ready for the night.

“Ready!” Vanessa yells. Brooke presses play, and Vanessa opens her arms for Brooke to snuggle into as the movie starts.

“At least you two aren’t wearing your costumes,” Sam teases. Vanessa and Brooke have probably been a little too eager in showing Sam that picture over the years, but Vanessa looked like a literal princess in her red Princess Buttercup dress, Brooke was the perfect Westley, and they got compliments through the entire party, so sue them for showing off. Vanessa still remembers the cool silk flowing around her and warming her hand on the soft bit of skin revealed by Brooke’s shirt.

“Don’t think we weren’t tempted,” Vanessa says. “They’re in the attic somewhere, I bet I could still fit in that dress–”

“Do we need to pause it already?” Brooke asks, and Vanessa swats at her before snuggling back down and watching the movie.

Vanessa finds herself watching her family more than the movie, watching Brooke’s eyes widen and her lips stretch into a grin like she’s never seen it before. Then she turns to Sam, who really has never seen it before. They’re skeptical at first, face blank, but then their brown eyes–so warm and expressive, like Vanessa’s–light up when the Dread Pirate Roberts reveals himself to be Westley. By the end, their smile is huge.

“You liked it, huh?” Vanessa asks.

Sam looks down. “I guess,” they say, and Vanessa knows their nine-year-old heart can’t quite admit something their parents like is cool, but it’s a start, and she’s counting this as a win in both her and Brooke’s column.

“Well, I’m ready for tomorrow!” Vanessa yells, pulling Brooke in for a kiss.

—

ii. Star Wars

Brooke knows the baby Yoda ugly sweater and Star Wars pajama pants are overkill, but she can’t help it. From the moment she first saw the movie as a seven-year-old, all she wanted was to be a Jedi like Luke and save the galaxy. She and Kameron made lightsabers out of foam swords and spray paint, and they ran around their background slicing through enemies and saving the day. Kameron had even made truffles decorated like the Death Star when Brooke told her what they were watching, her brown eyes warm with memories of their Jedi days.

Brooke doesn’t know whether this movie thing between her and Vanessa is a contest, but if it is, she doesn’t really care about it for this movie. She just wants to watch it with her kid, hope they find the same joy in it that she did.

Sam seems to be enjoying the truffles at least, and they shove another one in their mouth. “Aunt Kam’s stuff is so good,” they say with their mouth full, and Brooke agrees.

The music blasts and opening crawl creeps onto the screen, and Brooke grins, even when Vanessa rolls her eyes fondly and asks her continual question of why everyone else has such ‘weird-ass names’ and Luke’s is normal.

Brooke didn’t think anything would be better than the first time she saw it, in their living room with salty popcorn burning her lips and Kameron next to her, but watching it now, with her wife at her side and their kid on the other couch watching with wide eyes, just might be even better. She never thought she would have this life, a family around her like this, and she pulls Vanessa little closer, breathing in the familiar scent of her coconut shampoo.

Sam is grinning when the movie ends, and warmth rushes through Brooke’s chest, that her kid enjoyed something that means a lot to Brooke.

“That’s my favorite one so far,” they say sheepishly, and Brooke lets out a whoop.

“All right, all right, it’s only been two movies so far,” Vanessa says. “We’re goin’ to Neverland tomorrow, and then we’ll see what’s better.”

—-

iii. Peter Pan

Vanessa feels like a professor as she stands in front of the TV, Sam and Brooke staring at her expectantly.

“Is this a presentation?” Brooke teases. “Should I take notes?”

“Oh please, you’re the one who loves presentations,” Vanessa says fondly. “No presentation–this movie did make me want to go into design, though. Oh! And it was the first sign that I was bi. Little kid me didn’t know if she wanted a flying boyfriend or a fairy girlfriend more.” Vanessa grins dreamily. She can still remember her heart fluttering the same way when she looked at Peter and his coppery hair as it did when she watched Tinkerbell pout, how it all made sense when she was seventeen and fully realized that she was bi for the first time.

“Start the movie, Ma!” Sam yells.

Vanessa does, then instantly pauses it, turning to Sam with worries in her mind. “Don’t get any stupid ideas from this movie, now!” she warns. “Don’t go flying around with people who show up in your window, no matter how cute they are! And Wendy was a child, acting all grown, Lord help us when you become a teenager–”

“Okay, Ness,” Brooke soothes, motioning for Vanessa to sit with her and pulling her into a hug when she does.

“I promise I won’t fly around with people in my window,” Sam says, and Vanessa smiles, reaching over and ruffling their brown waves.

“You better not,” Vanessa says, leaning back into Brooke, her wife still as cozy to cuddle with as she’s always been.

Vanessa’s dancing in place and belting out all the songs in no time. She’s known all the words since she was six, when she would perform the whole movie in her living room or sing them to herself as she drew fierce pirate coats and sparkly fairies with striped wings, and they’ve refused to leave her brain, even if she wishes she could have that space for something useful like where she put her phone.

Brooke’s not much of a singer, but she hums along, and when Sam’s soft voice hesitantly joins Vanessa’s, she knows the night is a success.

—

iv. Matilda

It’s not as action-packed as her other favorite movies on the list, but as a shy kid who always had her nose in a book, Brooke’s always had a soft spot for Matilda. After she had to accept that becoming a Jedi wasn’t a viable career path, it had been Matilda that gave her the idea to become a librarian. She could surround herself with books all day, and help people find the book they were looking for, introducing them to whole new worlds through the pages, just like she does with each bedtime story for Sam every night.

“This is a movie about a kid with magic powers, right?” Sam asks.

“Right,” Vanessa says, “and Mommy loves it because she’s a big nerd.”

“Hey!” Brooke protests, but Vanessa is laughing and giving her a warm hug.

“You know I love you for it,” Vanessa says simply, and Brooke hugs her back and knows it’s true.

It’s nice to watch a movie she hasn’t seen since she was a kid and find it still makes her smile the same way, still gives her the same hope at seeing a shy girl who loved books the way she did—and still does. Brooke has never been the confident, outgoing kid in so many movies. She was quiet and kept to herself, and Matilda gave her a world where she could be the hero. She hopes Sam always feels that way too, always knows that they can be the hero.

When the credits roll, Sam declares that it’s not their favorite off the list, but Brooke doesn’t mind.

—-

v. Peanuts

“Why are these even on the list?” Sam asks as Vanessa fiddles with the TV. “I’ve seen all the Peanuts movies.”

“And you’ll see them again!” Vanessa yells. “This is different. They’re official now, on the list and everything.” She starts the Easter special and shuts down all the arguments, biting into a peanut butter cookie.

“All right, all right.” Sam gives in, but they’re not complaining. Sam once tried to make Riley dance like Snoopy, and Vanessa knows they love these movies just as much as she does.

“This is another thing that got me into fashion,” Vanessa says. “Because I didn’t know why they always wore the same boring old clothes in all the movies, so I drew them wearing some new ones.”

“Of course you did.” Brooke grins.

“Well, I had to jazz those outfits up! They’ve been wearing the same clothes forever!” Vanessa laughs. She’s always wanted people to wear clothes they feel like themselves in, and somewhere in between drawing new outfits for cartoon characters, she decided that was what she wanted to do, and it’s what she still does with her own little boutique, just up the street from the library where Brooke works. She loves getting to help people pick out the perfect outfit, watching them smile as they come out feeling as good as they had hoped.

She leans back as Charlie Brown and the others take them through all the seasons, from Easter to Halloween to Thanksgiving and finally Christmas, where Vanessa reaches for tissues and even Sam pretends they have dust in their eye. Vanessa always wanted to fight the other kids for being so mean to Charlie, and even as an adult, the urge is still there.

When the movie’s done, an idea pops into Vanessa’s hand. She whips out her phone and brings up the Charlie Brown Christmas soundtrack, yanking Brooke into the middle of the room and pulling her into a dance while Sam twirls around with Riley, cats watching from the couch, unimpressed.

“Ness, you’re making me dizzy,” Brooke giggles as Vanessa spins her faster and faster, until they almost crash into the Christmas tree.

Sam is cackling next to them, and Vanessa slows up, pressing her chest close to Brooke’s and melting as Brooke places a gentle kiss on the top of her head.

It’s her favorite movie night by far.

—

vi. Jurassic Park

All her movies on the list are special, but this one just might be the most special for Brooke. Because this is what she and Vanessa watched on their first date.

Brooke had started her first job at the library the same summer Vanessa started doing formal design sketches for a portfolio. She came to the library to get fashion books for ideas, and Brooke secretly hoped she would come back in every day, so they could make small talk and maybe she could say something funny to see Vanessa smile again. And almost every day, Vanessa came back.

Summer was half over and Brooke thought they would do nothing but talk with a library desk between them when Vanessa finally asked her to a movie in the park, both of them giggling as they set the date because they were finally going out after weeks of flirting and smiling and wondering if feelings were reciprocated. A dinosaur movie might not have been the most romantic choice for a first date, but they curled up together on a plaid blanket and let their fingers meet in the bag of buttery popcorn, and when Vanessa gave her a soft kiss as the end theme song played, Brooke knew she was the one.

She looks at her wife now, humming along to the opening theme and eating the dinosaur sugar cookie Kameron made, and knows that she’s still the one.

They snuggle up together and make dinosaur noises that cause Sam to look at them in annoyance, but it only makes them laugh harder.

They watch on the edge of their seats even though they know the ending, and Sam does the same, jumping every time a dinosaur pops out. When the end theme plays softly as the characters escape in the helicopter, Vanessa has tears in her eyes. Brooke’s not a big cryer–the last time she cried was probably when Sam was still a baby–but her eyes pool with dampness too, until she and Vanessa are holding each other and half-laughing, half-crying, because this movie is what brought them together.

“What are you doing?” Sam asks in alarm. “Why are you crying over a dinosaur movie?”

Brooke and Vanessa just laugh and exchange a soft kiss.

—

vii. The Muppet Christmas Carol

Christmas has always been Vanessa’s favorite holiday. As a kid, she fought her brothers every day to move the little Christmas tree counter on their Advent calendar, her excitement only growing as the day grew nearer. She’d just make it through the extra-long church service, and then she was free to play with her cousins and stuff herself with cookie after cookie and wake with the sunrise Christmas morning to jump in her parents’ bed.

Only now that she has her own child jumping in her and Brooke’s bed at an ungodly hour each Christmas does she realize why her parents would groan so loudly and what a little demon she must have been.

But her and Brooke don’t mind–they both love it, really, love all their traditions. There are the cookies they bake all month, the toy drive they help with at Sam’s school, and then Vanessa’s turn bringing Sam shopping to buy Brooke’s present and Brooke’s turn taking Sam to buy Vanessa’s present. The weekend after Thanksgiving, when they’re still stuffed with leftovers, the tree goes up, the three of them passing ornaments around while Vanessa narrates the history of how they got each one and almost falls on the tree trying to prove to Brooke that she can reach the tall branches. The tree is her favorite part, with the rainbow lights twinkling and the shining star looking over them. The tree is extra bright tonight, Christmas just days away, as Vanessa starts one of her favorite Christmas movies.

“This was my favorite to watch when I was pregnant with you,” Vanessa says to Sam. “The doctor said I had to go on bed rest, and I was so mad because it was almost Christmas and I wanted to do stuff. This was the next best thing.” She still remembers those long days, the pain in her back and hips and shoulders combined with the sadness of not being able to hang up lights or bake cookies or do much of anything. The Muppets at least made her smile, gave her a piece of Christmas she could have while stuck in bed. And when Sam was born perfectly healthy in January, she knew it had all been worth it.

“I swear, I heard Kermit in my sleep for weeks,” Brooke says, rolling her eyes but smiling anyway.

“You love Kermit and you know it,” Vanessa says.

Brooke just snorts, but Vanessa knows she’s right.

Vanessa knows most of the words—she really did watch this movie a ridiculous amount of times when she was pregnant—and finds her mouth moving along with the characters. The movie still makes her just as happy as it did when she was stuck in bed, makes her love Christmas and her family that much more. It doesn’t mean she’s forgotten the bet though, and the credits have just started to roll when Vanessa leaps from the couch and turns to Sam. “So?” she asks expectantly.

“So what?” Sam asks casually.

Vanessa huffs. “So, whose movies did you like better? Mine, right? Say mine.”

“No way.” Brooke pops up behind her. “Mine were way better.”

Sam just rolls their eyes. “Come on, you know I can’t pick between you two. You’re both my favorite.”

Vanessa melts then, pulling Sam into a bone-crushing hug, Brooke wrapping her arms around both of them.

“I guess we’ll just split the house stuff next week,” Vanessa says.

“You mean like we already do anyway?” Brooke snorts, holding them tighter.

Vanessa just smiles. She has her family, and tomorrow is their holiday party with all their friends, and then Christmas with her family and Brooke’s family, and her smile deepens. She watches the snow fall softly outside and knows this will be the best Christmas ever.

[mrs-mikko-rantanen]

Uhm, my day was decent? I mean aside from the fact that mornings exist and I did not want to wake up in time for my shift at work. But. And the end of the day when I have literal hours to do stuff after.. it works out cuz. Usually I get off and its oh shit I have enough time to halfway emotionally recharge and then its time for bed.

But. I got in and E^2 had put like. My name down on the schedule, and. That was great really. And we had this sheet for sign up of, basically what areas you want to be personally responsible for. And I signed light and it was great. And I dont think anyone really noticed cuz the manager wasn't there and no one else really looked at the schedule or anything else. But. It made me happy.

Still haven't gotten my name tag changed and honestly I dont think I'm going to. Cuz. I feel like I'm just being a bother asking again. But. It is what it is I guess.

I got off at five and its now nine and ive just been vibing in the car listening and singing to Spotify since I got off just trying to keep the sad at bay. And I should probably go home but. I dont want to. Cuz I know I'm just gonna wallow in the sad and self destructive tendencies if i go home.. If I ask nicely will the fae take me in as one of their own and I can become a cryptid in the woods?????

I have a three day weekend coming up and im considering doing a touch up on my hair since its really washed out. But I cant decide if I wanna keep it fully red or try and do like an ombre double tone thingy.. but I'm not sure what other color I'd try to do to the tips? Idk

I kinda wish my hair was longer so I could do like. The galaxy hair thing? Where its various shades of purple and blue and some pink and it looks different depending on how you style it. But I also know attempting to grow my hair out longer than I already plan to is a bad idea, cuz the sides and back are already getting too long and I hate it. But I wish I could do fun stuff with it too

Oh well. The duality of man i guess..

Uhm. I bought a giant plastic egg the other day, that reminds me of a dragons egg kinda. And I'm trying to decide if I should keep a hoard of dice in there or a hoard of crystals. Cuz. Dice and the clacky math rocks. But. Also shiny crystally gems

Speaking of dice I also really kinda want to try and get into a dnd group, but social anxiety and I have zero idea where to start with that so. That's fun.

Im currently resisting the urge to go and get more holes and metal in my head too. I just. The red hair makes me feel cool and powerful and I wanna look punk and

Sorry I've been rambling for like half a novel. I'll stop now before I get annoying. I mean I definitely already am. But you asked for asks and distractions and 👉👈 I love you

Id ask about your day but you seem to want a distraction from that sooo. How about, got any fun headcanons to share??

Thats awesome on the name front!!! I saw that and I got really excited for you when you posted the picture this morning, honestly I think you should bring up the nametag again, esspecially if its showing up on the schedule too. (Oddly enough I kicked around the idea of using a new name with friends and sruff today which is weird mostly bc like i like my name irl, its fairly androgynous and it makes me happy and i love my online name bc it means me :))

My vote is two tone!! I almost did a pink/purple ombre with my hair this round so I say do ittttt (that's also what I say about the extra holes and metal. Do itttttrrr)

That would be a hard choice but u do really like the idea of a giant dragons egg full of dice ngl. I need to find some people to play with too. I'm trying to get b and c in on something but idk if its ever really gonna pan out the way I want it too. My town actually has a pretty active dnd community but I am way too new and way too socially anxious to ever join something like that so I feel you there.

100% not annoying, each paragraph made me smile more. :)

My day was actually mostly ok, i just sorta ruined it with Danny at home. I just pointed out that the idealized dream band life that I wanted and thought I had was what she got and that it made me kinda jealous and she pointed out (correctly) that I'm jealous of so many aspects of her life that she now has a list of things she can't talk to me about for fear of setting me into a spiral and just. Yeah. That wasnt fun.

But work was ok. The kids all were really tierd so there was a fair bit of crying going on, but the weather was really nice so we got to go outside with them for a long time and that was very nice. I also got some really sweet cuddles from a few of them that made me very happy.

Oh! I also have a funny story about them!! So I was squatting (my main position is almost like Spiderman bc I'm down on the kids' level but i can also get up and move if I need to pretty quick) and one of the girls goes and gets a book, then stands right in front of me and points at the floor and says "sit" in the most authoritative voice I have ever hear from a 1 1/2 year old 😂 as soon as I sat down she was in my lap and opening the book so I could read to her.

As far as headcanons.... Sadly my brain is bouncimg mostly art ideas for the Tamgled au and not anything of substance so I may take a crack at that later. Otherwise I keep thinking about whumped up Will crying on the floor and Maurie finding him. Really I'm just thinking about Maurie and Will being bros. A lot. So much. God I love them.

[unproduciblesmackdown]

lihn asks: 1, 10, 15, 26, 30, 31, 37, 41, 46, 49

thanks for the asks and thanks for creating the ask list in the first place

1) Favorite song(s)? i especially like three failed escape attempts of sheila nail. it does A Lot re: like, introducing a character, but probably the biggest reason it is a fave is b/c It Is A Banger

10) Favorite line(s)? this is a tough one, i've been Thinking on it and there's no immediate standout answer coming to mind for sure......how about "she asked us to, so we did." great stuff

15) A minor character(s) you love? hmm i mean i guess clearly susannah and sheila are the main and next most main characters but from there it's like, is Everyone equally a minor character........well kitty is my favorite of course so i guess that's an easy answer, i also just like immediately enjoyed rat and i wish she had more content even though definitely other girls didn't have a world of Content either

26) Solitary or Masochist? well i think probably solitary Musically, seeing as i def actually remember it more for that reason, but maybe i gotta say masochist b/c a) you know, kitty is the fave, and b) even if i don't remember a ton of details i still enjoyed it and i enjoyed the scene overall a Lot and what role it has in the story / susannah's arc.

30) Scene(s)/concept(s) you would like expanded upon? hmm i do like dorothy and kitty's Thing being like. never really brought to the forefront / made Crucially relevant or anything but it also was not too Apparent at all lmfao although yknow, maybe it was more clear in person. i think i'd like it to have like. at least more Textual implications of the existence of the pairing. s/o to kitty again

31) What you would like changed if another production of the show happens? uhhh i think in its immediate aftermath i was sort of thinking how it's a bit weird that like. sure you can easily take some textual material in lihn and interpret girls as Not Nt informed by that, but clearly the focus is how their response to external societal factors is Pathologized (especially based on their identities, e.g. susannah as a black girl and kitty as a trans girl), and while of course miss asp having this extended breakdown basically over the course of the show lol *is* about her own Attempts To Cope With Society have failed her and are failing her, and she's having Bigger messy reactions as the show goes on as the girls sort of get themselves even more together, it felt like she was being given behaviors that are more like. "cues" that are associated with Mental Disorders like, her thinking the girls could be aliens is sure involved with the Metaphor in that, but from the perspective of her character being fairly earnest in that belief, that's like, More of an interfering Symptom than we've seen from any of the girls........idk like, feels like either her character could become at least Slightly more subtly handled or like, in the same way that the girls are here for different things and yet The Same Thing, it could be made more explicit that one or more of the girls is nd and that Just Might manifest in ways that are seen as going beyond "standard" "weirdness" like yknow. miss asp out here like "yeah she has delusions now" while with the girls it's like. yeah they have "undesirable / inappropriate Behaviors" but, not of that kind

37) Favorite fanmade media related to LIHN?

this fic by soph, this drawing of kitty by al, this drawing of kitty by an artist i know does other nicher iconis-content art, this drawing of kitty talking to susannah by an artist who i know i’ve Appreciated other lihn art from, and your galaxy brain video juxtaposing “i was a teenage delinquent!” with vimh

41) An anecdote about your experience with LIHN? lmao well i don't Personally have any great anecdote i don't think. i watched it along with soph which means i had to keep messaging them like "hang on pause, i'm Buffering again" every 6-13 min or so, and a fun coincidence was that 99% of the time the video paused at a timestamp wherein the Seconds ended in _9. someone else's anecdote: al's story of having gone to an actual lihn performance, having had been made to miss the intended train to the theater and needing to wait for the next one, and ending up sitting right in front of jason sweettooth williams on the ride / getting to make conversation lol. rights

46) Stupidest quote from the NYT review? lmfao fuck you i haven't reread this shit since it came out and it is SO hard to pick a stupidest quote. rereading it now i'm freshly Amazed at how stupid a quote i'd forgotten is. but ofc i Have to go with "...[Susannah]'s very much an everygirl. She is the black child of white adoptive parents, which she knows (ask answer editor's note: "????????? what aspect of this would she Not know"), and a lesbian, which she quickly discovers, but..." like lmaoooo never gets old. alexis soloski, everyone!!!

49) Bruce the Ocelot or Harriet II? well, again, Kitty, and i do like ocelots, they're cool, so: bruce. and it’s a really fun scene where the whole concept is introduced lmao

[professorspork]

ANOTHER BUSY DAY IN THE ANDROMEDA GALAXY

I started the day running errands on Havarl, culminating with finishing off Jaal’s loyalty mission! I took Vetra with us thinking ‘hey, if anyone knows sibling dynamics...’ but then she factored into all of that absolutely 0%, lol @ me. but no matter! Jaal was super flirty as we made our way to the Forge, and it was adorable when he was like “HERE MEET MY FRIEND SO YOU CAN SEE AKKSUL IS WRONG” and bodily dragged me toward his siblings. their fight was absorbing and intense; I LEGIT GASPED WHEN HIS SISTER SHOT HIS BROTHER. LIKE!! the whole confrontation with Akksul felt super weighty and I really enjoyed it-- keeping my trigger discipline to not shoot that dude was really hard! there was a split second there where his bolt was headed toward Jaal’s face and I was like “if I kill off Jaal in his loyalty mission I’ll be so upset” but nope it all worked out, he has a bitchin cheek scar now, and the respect of his people, and I got a forehead touch so y’know. i melted. GOSH. then I died laughing at Akksul’s not-apology email.

now Jaal wants me to meet his mom(s) but Helen said that’ll lock in the romance, so I’ll probably wait just a little longer so I can uh keep having FWB sex with Peebee and ?maybe??? flirt with Vetra at some point? altho I teasingly called her MOM last time we were in Kadara Port so maybe not. (Jaal still hates it there, he’s so grumpy and it’s cute, but I digress)

this one got even longer than usual so doing a cut

one thing that I really like, that the game navigates in interesting ways, is that to the angara, we’re all just “Milky Way people.” like. so much of the original trilogy is about navigating the differences between all these aliens, and like, some of that is here too, esp with the krogan, but it’s actually really neat the way we’ve flattened out. and even with the krogan it’s still night and day-- like. comparing what Tuchanka is like in ME2 when Wrex is still solidifying his status as warlord is miles away from what it’s like for me to wander around New Tuchanka or, especially, just run into random krogan out and about (like the nice water scouts. WHY COULDN’T I JUST GIVE THEM THE WATER? but I’m getting ahead of myself). I know some of it has the Watsonian explanation of, like, only forward-thinking, open-minded krogan would be interested in the Initiative in the first place, and some of it is the Doylist explanation of ‘well people really liked that Charr/Ereba romance so let’s have more sweetie pie krogan’ but like. overall. it’s interesting, and I’m sure there’s more angles I haven’t considered.

I traced more of those comm buoys for Addison and learned that the doctor she’s obsessed with ran away to get pregnant! I definitely read that whole situation as Addison being in love with this lady and tbh it still doesn’t refute it? but I won’t get any more progress until I make a new outpost. the whole idea of ‘the first human baby born in Heleus’ thing is really cool, though, and I’m invested.

then I went to Elaaden! I feel some kind of way about Lexi diagnosing all of these scavengers with Brain Disease, but I can’t put my finger on it exactly-- other than, I guess, my general discomfort with pathologizing criminality. I was glad she said we couldn’t vaccinate people without their consent, but the whole thing smacks as very... self-conscious on the part of the game creators? like they thought people would say “hey it’s a huge plot hole that the Initiative screened every person before putting them on the arks and yet so many of them do crimes, explain that to me” and they were like “oh yeah shit that makes no sense, it’s not like people faced with the existential crisis of being in a brand new place 600 years away from everything they’ve ever known with no way back and not enough resources and multiple things wanting to kill them might just make desperate, risky choices, that’s not good enough, obviously we need to explain it with BRAIN DISEASE.” come on.

I made it to New Tuchanka, where the postings on the terminals are literally my favorite part of this whole game. THE ONE KROGAN WHO WANTS GINGERBREAD. THE ONE WHO DOESN’T WANT TO FOCUS ON CONS AND SUGGESTS A “PRO-VERSATION.” THE ONE ABOUT THE “PROBLETUNITY” OF MATING SUGGESTING WATCHING KRANTT HARDLY WAIT. THE ONE WHO INVENTED BLOOD RAGE FOR GUN TURRETS. but also, the best one, my favorite one of all: KRANTT THE RAGENING LARP. there is nothing I would not give to play Krantt: The Ragening.

I sort of tripped and fell and decided to finish Drack’s loyalty mission even though I intended to do more Elaaden things first, and that was a blast. Vorn is so presh! and also Drack is my dad so there’s that. I loved that Vorn helped save the day with a poison vegetable, and I love that Kesh pretended not to like the flower he got her. it was like-- okay. real talk, I just spent like 20 minutes trying to find proof that there is, in fact, a scene in parks and rec where someone gives April a friendship bracelet and she pretended to hate it until they threatened to take it back and could not find it ANYWHERE and felt so gaslit until I realized that that scene was not about April at all but Louise Belcher so. GOOD JOB ME. anyway. it was like that. kesh pretending her comm was broken when Tann tried to talk to her is the oldest joke in the book but I laughed anyway. 

and then I TOOK SPENDER DOWN FOR GOOD. I’m a little miffed that neither Kesh nor Tann got to be in on that discussion; like, I recognize he was Addison’s underling but given all the bullshit he pulled with the krogan I especially felt Kesh deserved to be there? at one point there was a dialogue tree where I could either say it was Addison’s fault or Spender’s fault, and I picked the latter because I think they both such but Spender sucks worse, but in hindsight I wish I’d stuck it to Addison more because my dialogue was way too nice. when faced with the choice of jailing or exiling Spender, I picked jail despite my desire to defund Nexus Militia because I was scared if I exiled him he’d just come back as a worse enemy because of all his off-station contacts. when reviewing the choice in the codex, though, it narrativized my choice by saying I imprisoned him knowing he “would never survive life on the run from his former associates.” that wasn’t my assumption at all! quite the opposite! I jailed him thinking he’d start a coup from without if I didn’t, and it’s really interesting to me that the game isn’t framing that as a concern Ryder would have reasonably had. anyway, now Brecka has his job, which is good because Brecka is the best.

before leaving I unlocked my last memory, and SURPRISE MY MOM IS ALIVE. WELL. FOR A GIVEN DEFINITION OF ALIVE. i don’t know why I’m surprised; of course my dad sucked that much. but also, the fact that all of that got nestled in with the reaper ‘reveal’ (if you can call it that) felt... very strange? like. this is such a personal, emotional thing for Ryder. obviously for the player harkening back to the trilogy is supposed to be a gut wrench, and objectively, yes, I can see how the knowledge that they might have narrowly escaped certain death is a big deal, but like. the reapers aren’t HERE. they aren’t relevant. my MOM, on the other hand, is and is, apparently! it’s occurring to me I didn’t even try to find her mis-labeled pod, I was so turned around by all the benefactor stuff after the fact. anyway.

swung by Kadara to get drinks with Drack and had an epic bar fight, and then Lexi p much lectured us both abt it because Drack is like 90% spit and duct tape at this point. him talking about raising Kesh giving him a new lease on life was VERY sweet, tho, and his line about how parents aren’t the finish line, they’re the starting line was very good.

went back to Elaaden, which Jaal called “a big planet” while discussing hunting someone down and AU CONTRAIRE, JAAL, IT IS A MOON. wish I’d had Drack with me when I found Annea’s water because I bet he would have had better dialogue than Cora, but alas. felt very weird giving control of the reservoir to the Nexus, but like. Annea being like “you can’t, this is my emotional support monopoly on a vital natural resource” just wasn’t gonna fly with how I’m playing Ryder. I was gratified to hear the Nexus guy at Paradise say we were giving the water to everyone, including krogan and scavengers, because I 100% did not trust Tann not to overrule him with some shitty call.

then I went to the Remnant ship to stop Morda from making a bomb out of the drive core, and it was all going swimmingly until I traced the signal to that cave inside the flophouse and suddenly my triangle button stopped working, making me unable to activate the console. YIKES. a quick google of the issue tells me that this mission is buggy for a lot of people and reloading from an earlier save tends to help, but I tried that and the issue persisted so I gave up for the evening. hopefully a fresh start tomorrow and time for the ps4 to cool off is all that is required. 

[butterflydm]

2020 (what a weird year)

I did not get very much done this year at all. The business I work for got us all classified as essential workers which... tbh, I did not agree with as a categorization. It’s meant that hours per week stayed the same, but my anxiety levels at work skyrocketed. And most of the time, after getting home, I basically had enough energy to check some stuff online but I mostly needed to decompress by doing something familiar, which I’ve been doing by replaying FFX and FFX2, and my brain mostly hasn’t had room for anything new. Which is a shame for all the plans I had to watch tons of new media! I had a long list of things I wanted to check out and I haven’t really watched any of it.

I did get a chance to watch a few new things (as always, tbh, any recs of mine are basically ‘you will like this thing, if this is the kind of thing you like’):

The Old Guard: Really enjoyed this movie. It’s been out for a while now, but if you haven’t had a chance to watch it, it was a fun, easy watch that also made me think some interesting philosophical questions about life. A good time! It’s honestly the only movie I watched during the 2020 pandemic period, unless I get around to watching anything else in the next couple of days.

MXTX’s Scum Villain’s Self-Saving System: I love love this story. I’ve watched the donghua (looking forward to S2!) and read the translation by BC Novels, and the story just has so many things that make my heart go ‘yes!’: it’s funny, with a charming PoV character who both doesn’t take himself too seriously and also seriously misunderstands himself in a lot of ways -- very relatable. It’s dramatic AF, with romantic lead Luo Binghe at the heart of a lot of that drama. It’s clever and I love the way the premise is used for both humor and pathos.

Tone-wise, it reminds me of works like Galaxy Quest or Northanger Abbey. Honestly, that light tone helps in some of the later chapters, which have content that is actually very dark and very heartbreaking if taken seriously, but because of the momentum of the story and the tone of the narrative, I didn’t feel like I got lost or bogged down in the darkness.

And I love the relationship between Shen Qingqiu and Luo Binghe a whole heck of a lot. I think the way it’s structured is clever and sweet and sad and makes for an interesting story. There is an element of an unintentional romantic obsession that SQQ created by the way he flipped between kind and cruel (against his will, which is what makes it forgivable for the audience, imo, because SQQ wanted to always be kind, though not always for the most selfless of reasons) and how LBH had to try to mentally justify/rationalize how the same man could act in such completely opposing ways. And the narrative symmetry between how SQQ thinks of LBH as the center of the universe because he’s the OP Protagonist (!) but LBH thinks of SQQ as the one that everything revolves around and how that’s narratively true because, of course, in the story that we’re reading, SQQ is the protagonist and LBH is his love interest.

I also actually really appreciated the bad sex near the end of the novel -- sex-to-save-the-world is a trope that can easily get romanticized but here it’s (literally) painful and ugly instead, as all of LBH’s trauma pairs with the influence of Xin Mo on his mind. Even through the translation, it definitely feels like bad sex written well, rather than badly-written sex that is supposed to be good, if you know what I mean. Sex can be an important narrative tool in stories and I feel like MXTX uses it very effectively here.

I think I burnt through the entire translation in just a few days. I’ve been reading a lot of fanfic afterwards and I think my favorite so far is I Wish You Were My Husband by Feynite. It’s an AU but it keeps the same kind of vibe as the original story.

Bridgerton: Goodness, so enjoyable! Julia Quinn is not My Most Favorite of the various romance writers that I read but she was one of the first writers that really got me back into reading romance and it was delightful to see her world on screen. I don’t picture people when I’m reading novels; I have to have a visual first and then I can carry that into the reading, so it was nice to be able to assign faces to some of these characters that I’m already very fond of. Simon and Daphne had a nice amount of chemistry and I loved the Bridgerton family relationships.

I hope they get to cover all the romances in the series and continue to do some updating as well -- I generally liked the changes they made to Simon and Daphne’s romance (a few I wasn’t as into but could see why they’d done it -- mostly For The Drama). And I really loved what they did with Simon and Lady Danbury’s relationship. It took me some time to tell the three older Bridgerton brothers apart but that’s pretty much canon, lol. Anyway, I was invested enough in it all that I stayed up all night on Christmas eve to watch it all and I had no regrets afterward.

I started watching S2 of TharnType but then my work schedule changed and I was working on Fridays and (see above) I just didn’t have the energy to watch anything after work. I might wait and binge the rest of the series once it’s all out, now that it’s gone this long without me being caught up.

I do think I’ll take a break from Critical Role for a while, after it comes back. I’ve just come to an unfortunate place where the show literally cannot win with me re: the romances, as I’m annoyed when they happen but also, perversely, annoyed when they get ignored because my brain goes “they gutted beaujester for this limited amount of inferior romance? At least commit to giving an adequate amount of the romances that I dislike!”. And so it becomes a vicious circle. Good sign that it’s time to take a break. My unhappiness with one part of the show is overshadowing everything else and maybe some time away will change that. Or maybe I just need to pick it up again with campaign 3. I guess I’ll see how it goes. I also admit that I’d hate to pick up the show again only to have Lucien get killed off in a few episodes.

I want to try to watch some more shows in 2021, and maybe I’ll have time, if I’m freeing up several hours every Thursday.

I want to watch Heaven Official’s Blessing and I’ve had a translation of the novel on my phone for the entire year and I really do want to read it as well. I’d like to watch Xiao Zhan and Wang Yibo’s new shows (The Wolf & The Legend of Fei) as the gifsets I’ve seen have been interesting and enjoyable, and there are a bunch of shows that I’d gotten recommendations about after watching TharnType that I still want to check out too. Plus, I have the new Stormlight Archives book and I want to read that as well. So, there’s quite a list.

It’s still probably gonna be quite stressful at work for a while, at least until I’ve had a chance to get the vaccine, but at least I am going back to Thursdays & Fridays as my days off at the start of the year, so I’m looking forward to that. I’m also hoping to get back to my detailed rewatch of The Untamed, because that was so much fun but I did not have enough brain this year to do any more of it.

[mst3kproject]

The Star Wars Holiday Special

Happy Holidays, MSTies!  Your present is Episodes that Never Were are back!  Remember last year, when I said Elves was so bad I wished I’d watched the Star Wars Holiday Special instead?  Let’s find out what those words taste like.

The galaxy may be in the midst of a rebellion, but Chewbacca promised his family he will be back for Life Day, and god damn it, he’s gonna get there!  He and Han Solo dodge Imperial forces and asteroid fields on the way, but the real danger may be waiting for them at home, as Stormtroopers do a treehouse-to-treehouse search for rebel sympathizers.  It won’t be much of a holiday if Chewie arrives home only to be immediately arrested!

That sounds exciting, doesn’t it?  It even sounds like it could be made to mean something. There is perhaps a point here about inter-ethnic empathy – Life Day may be a Wookiee holiday, but Chewbacca’s alien friends still know how important it is to him and they’re gonna help him keep his promise.  We could also compare it to Santa Claus Conquers the Martians.  In that movie, the Martians want to celebrate Christmas but aren’t particularly interested in what it means.  They get all their information about it from pirated television and from children who don’t understand anything much more than ‘free stuff’.  We didn’t give Christmas to them, they literally stole it by kidnapping Santa.  In the Holiday Special, the Wookiees are sharing their cultural traditions with outsiders who have become part of their family – Leia’s speech at the ends notes the humans’ respect for this.

But none of that’s relevant, because this is just a bad 70’s variety hour in a Star Wars costume.  We don’t get to see claustrophobic scenes of our brave heroes hiding from the Storm Troopers.  We don’t get sweeping space battles or bickering robots or weird new planets… we don’t get anything we go to see Star Wars for.  Instead, we mostly watch the Wookiees sitting around their house passing the time as they wait helplessly for Chewbacca to get home.  This could have been neat in itself if Wookiees had an interesting culture, but they live in a Mod 70’s Treehouse and seem to spend most of their time watching television.  The brief opening sequence, in which Solo and Chewie outrun their pursuers in the Millennium Falcon, is just a tantalizing offer of chocolate on the tip of a giant turd.

The actual point of the show, as far as the people who produced it were concerned, was the various little musical numbers and comedy sequences along the way, some of which are more Star Wars-themed than others.  Most of these are presented as one or other of the characters watching them on some form of television, which often doesn’t make any sense.  The sequences themselves are usually not very well-presented and a lot of them are just downright boring, so let’s go through them one by one. Top up your eggnog, folks.  We may be here a while.

Our first setpiece is a holographic circus featuring jugglers and acrobats, which the adults use to distract Lumpy so he’ll stop bothering them – like parents at the mall letting their kids watch Paw Patrol on a tablet while they shop.  When you see televised circus acts, they’re usually filmed up close and at interesting angles, to heighten the sense of danger, and give you a good look at what’s going on.  The Star Wars Holiday Special presents it as tiny figures on a table, always shot from far away and looking down, which removes all the drama from the stunts.  Lumpy enlarges a figure, but it’s only the ringmaster.  The others remain tiny, all while this little Wookiee looms over them like a kaiju that will start stomping if it isn’t entertained.

Then we get Mark Hamill’s cameo (in which he looks weirdly like one of the puppets from Invaders from the Deep), followed by Malla’s attempt to cook Bantha Surprise by following the directions on a tv show.  I’m not very interested in cooking shows anyway, but I have a hard time imagining anybody being interested in a fake cooking show featuring fictional ingredients from other planets.  What we see on Malla’s screen comes across as a sort of parody, but not actually a funny one. I’m tempted to think Harvey Korman must have been making fun of some particular 70’s cooking show maven but I don’t begin to know who that might be.

The ‘humour’ of the sequence is supposed to come from Malla’s attempt to follow the directions even though the cook on the show has four arms and Malla only two.  I could pull some commentary on ableism in cooking and cooking shows out of this, but it would be a stretch, and nobody on the writing end was thinking about it that hard.  It’s just stupid, and so is Korman’s plastic wig.  Malla eventually turns it off in frustration, long after we’re tired of listening to it.

By the way, if you’re wondering whose stupid idea it was to set the whole thing on Kashyyyk (or, as a guy in the Special calls it, Kazook) and not have any subtitles to the Wookiee’s dialogue?  That was apparently 100% George Lucas.  The actual script and everything was in the hands of the television producers, but Lucas would not budge on the premise being Wookiee-centric.  At least he exorcised that particular demon here, instead of subjecting us to it on the big screen.

Anyway, next Art Carney drops by to deliver some Life Day presents, among which is the source of our next setpiece: a VR machine which reads Itchy’s mind to present a personalized fantasy!  This takes the form of Diahann Carroll in a sparkly feather wig, singing a song and saying things like “I am your fantasy, experience me!”  The song is okay, I guess, and Carroll has a lovely voice, but what we’re seeing is basically a boring music video.  She’s just standing there on a glittery black background, and we can’t forget that she’s singing to a geriatric Wookiee who is doing the Wookiee equivalent of jacking off to this (emphasized by the appearance of literal little swimmers in part of the sequence!).  The fact that it’s a personal fantasy plucked from his subconscious makes it feel like this was something we weren’t supposed to be privy to, like we’re looking through somebody else’s computer at his girlfriend’s nudes.

Princess Leia (also looking disturbingly puppet-like… are we sure the actual actors appeared in this, and not look-a-likes in heavy makeup?) and C3P0 get their cameo, and then there’s the single actually effective moment in the Special.  This is when we think Han Solo and Chewie are about to arrive home, ending our torment a full hour early, but no, it’s the Storm Troopers!  This bit isn’t fantastic, but it does work.  Then, sadly, we’re on to the next variety act.

This is a holographic music video which Carney shows to the Imperial troops as a demonstration that the device he has brought Malla for Life Day is harmless.  It’s Jefferson Starship moaning out a rock song, in which I can understand at best one word in three.  The visuals are in intense soft-focus that’s probably supposed to be artsy.  The costumes (what I can see of them) aren’t any more Star-Wars-y than anything else bands wore in the 70’s.  And the song sounds like something you’d find in the ‘easy’ setting on Rock Band.  Why does Black Helmet sit there and watch the whole thing when he’s supposed to be searching every house on Kashyyyk/Kazook for rebel sympathizers?

The version of the Special currently available on YouTube, which tragically lacks the commercials, has a lot of comments along the lines of this is what you hallucinate after buying Death Sticks from that guy on Coruscant.

To drive the point home, the next thing we see is Lumpy watching a cartoon about Han Solo and Chewbacca crash-landing on an ocean planet while searching for a mystical talisman that makes things invisible (I wish they hadn’t actually shown this object – then I could have made jokes about it being the One Ring).  This sequence is generally regarded as the best thing in the Special, and it introduced Boba Fett and provided some characterization for him.  It is definitely true that this is the only segment with a plot, and with its weird aliens and grubby outposts it feels a lot more like Star Wars than anything else going on here.

The main thing that keeps me from enjoying this segment is that it just looks weird.  The animators use exaggerated squash-and-stretch on the droids, even more so than on the living characters, which makes them look like they’re made out of jell-o. Princess Leia looks like something out of a cheap 60’s manga and Luke like he was drawn by a twelve-year-old based on an action figure that wasn’t actually of Luke Skywalker.  Luke has no pupils, which is very distressing, but not as distressing as when C3P0 blinks.  Even worse, as far as I can tell Han Solo has no eyes at all.

The design of the alien planet in this sequence is pretty cool, though.  It appears to be entirely covered in a kind of goopy ocean and the creatures that live in it are neat-looking, even if not terribly plausible.  Animation is really a great medium for fantasy and science fiction, because it levels the playing field: we’re not thinking about the special effects because everything on screen looks equally unreal.  This is something Disney, who used it to such beautiful effect in Lilo and Stitch, totally forgot at just about the same time as they acquired the rights to Star Wars.  Oh, for what could have been.

I want to note here that the average review on this blog is about as long as what you’ve read so far.  We’re only about two thirds of the way through the Special, though, and I can’t really divide a holiday review up into two weeks.  Therefore, consider this your permission to take a break and go snag another latke or whatever you’re snacking on, and then we’ll continue.

There’s one fun bit of background social commentary in the animated sequence, too: the only way for humans to survive the virus is to hang them upside-down so their brains will get enough oxygen despite their weakened hearts.  In the city there’s an advertisement for the cure – and the upside-down human pictured in the ad is, of course, a woman in her underwear.  The image isn’t detailed and it’s not the focus of the shot, so I don’t think it’s an actual piece of gratuitous cheesecake.  Apparently somebody at Nelvana Ltd was just salty about the advertising industry.

The self-contained story in the cartoon makes sense within itself. It justifies Fett’s fearsome reputation far better than anything in The Empire Strikes Back or Return of the Jedi, and the characters seem to be in-character even when they’re off-model.  The problem is with it as a part of the framing story about the Imperial troops searching Chewbacca’s house!  The Special is very explicit that this is not something that’s actually happening in the real world at the same time as the other events – it is a cartoon Lumpy is watching on TV.  Why, in a galaxy controlled by the Empire, would there be cartoons using the real names of real rebel operatives and presenting them as the heroes?  If nobody’s supposed to know Boba Fett is connected with the Empire, why does the show blow his cover?

More importantly, where can I get one of those awesome giant stuffed Banthas Lumpy has in his room?  I don’t know if that’s a real toy that was available in the late 70’s, but Comic Images does make something similar and you can buy them at Wal-Mart or Toys R Us.

While cleaning up the mess the Stormtroopers made of his room, Lumpy watches an instructional video of how to put together some kind of radio. This features Harvey Korman as an android who keeps getting jammed.  Like cooking shows, instructional videos aren’t very interesting unless you’re trying to follow the directions – since we can’t follow the directions, this one is pointless to begin with.  The ‘joke’ is not funny, and lines like “every one of the ten thousand terminals on your circuit breaker module is a different colour” might be amusing when written down but they just don’t work when somebody says them aloud.  Fortunately, it doesn’t last long.

Then we get on to what’s probably the second-best thing in the Special, the bit where we learn that the Mos Eisley cantina is owned by Bea Arthur.  It would be easily the most expensive thing in the Special were it not made up of b-roll footage and re-used puppets from Episode IV.  It’s also kind of got a plot, in that a guy with a baking soda volcano on top of his head (this is certainly an efficient way to get the alcohol directly to your brain) is trying to confess his love to Bea while she just wants to get on with running her business.  Eventually he gets his heart broken and leaves, and then the Empire shuts the bar down, so Bea throws everybody out with a song.

I have to admit, in The Force Awakens when Han Solo mentioned a female friend who ran a ‘watering hole’… there was a moment there when I was half-expecting it to be Bea Arthur’s character.  I’m relieved that it wasn’t, but also just the slightest bit disappointed.  We had to wait for The Mandalorian to get a proper Holiday Special callback.

This bit almost had a chance to say something with its ‘thwarted romance’ plot.  Usually such a thing in a tv show would get what the male character would consider a happy ending.  He would prove to his love interest that being cared for is important, she would realize that love is better than money, and they would metaphorically ride off into the sunset.  What it looks like we’re going to get here instead is something more like the episode of South Park where Butters fell in love with the Hooters waitress. Harvey Korman’s character (yes, he plays three different characters in this Special and this was apparently supposed to be a selling point) realizes his crush is based on a misunderstanding, and while it makes him sad, he’s not going to be an asshole about it.

Nor is Bea’s character vilified for rejecting him, which she does tactfully but firmly, as if she’s gone through this many times before. He’s just a minor annoyance in her day before she goes on to worry about bigger problems, like getting everybody to obey that Imperial curfew.  Then, however, at the last second he pops up from behind the counter after everybody has left – and that’s where the segment ends.  I think we’re supposed to assume they got together after all, but I kind of hope she just threw him out with the rest of them.  No means no, damn it.

Bea Arthur’s Go Home Song is to the tune the Cantina Band was playing in Episode IV, so it pretty much goes without saying it’s the catchiest piece in the Special.

Then, finally, it’s time to celebrate Life Day!  The Wookiees hold up some glowing Christmas balls, then dress in red robes and walk through outer space into a, uh, wormhole, I guess, that takes them to the base of the giant tree from Avatar.  There it’s time for our final setpiece, the culmination of this whole ninety-minute ordeal… Princess Leia sings!  The Life Day Carol is to the tune of the main Star Wars theme, and the lyrics sound like something from a generic Christmas album you get free if you buy three cards at Hallmark.  Carrie Fisher is a decent singer but she looks like she’s as glad this is over as we are.

Much like Howard the Duck, The Star Wars Holiday Special is a production in which they made all the worst decisions they possibly could.  Focusing on the Wookiees at home rather than following Han Solo and Chewbacca through the action killed the whole thing at the starting gate.  Then that plot is nothing but a frame on which they can hang the various variety acts, and none of those are very good.  It’s only towards the end of the sequence that what we’re seeing even has anything to do with Star Wars.  Watching it is an ordeal on the order of an un-riffed Coleman Francis film.  It’s so bad, it’s not even something people get together and watch like they do Manos or The Room.

So why do we still have it?  The Holiday Special was only broadcast once, and was met by fathomless loathing from critics, Star Wars fans, and ordinary people alike. It has never been released in any other format (Andrew Borntreger of badmovies.org has a story about how Lucas had him thrown out of a Q&A panel for asking if it were getting a DVD release), so the fact that you can find it on YouTube today is down to some nameless hero who recorded it on their newfangled VCR back in 1978.  That person then showed it to friends, apparently on the basis of oh my god, you guys, this is so bad, you have to see it, and then because misery loves company they copied it to show to their friends. What we have today is copies of copies of copies of copies, like fragments of Sappho only with VHS artefacts instead of holes in the papyrus (and without the artistic vision).

Humans like to preserve remarkable things.  Sappho we’ve preserved because it’s remarkably good, but the Star Wars Holiday Special we preserve because it’s remarkably bad.  Lucasfilm has tried very hard to stamp it out.  George Lucas himself has said that if he could he would gather up every copy that exists and smash them with a sledgehammer… but we won’t let him do it. We keep copying the Special and passing it along, in a way that’s very familiar to MSTies in particular.  We’re circulating the tapes!  Why this tape in particular?

I don’t claim to know, but my working theory is that it keeps us humble.  We are a species that can produce great things when we put our minds to it.  We landed on the moon.  We eradicated smallpox.  We built the Taj Mahal and the Sagrada Familia.  We wrote The Romance of the Three Kingdoms and the Einstein Field Equations and the aforementioned works of Sappho.  But for all that, we are also capable of throwing the same kind of effort into creating utter disasters – and the Star Wars Holiday Special is the rare example of an unmitigated disaster that didn’t actually hurt anybody.  It reminds us to take a step back and look at what we’re doing without getting too invested in it, but does so while being harmless and at times humorous.

Would I still rather watch this than Elves?  You bet your shaggy Wookiee ass I would.  The Star Wars Holiday Special may be longer, but it doesn’t leave nearly such a bad taste in my mouth.

I will leave you with this: the Special was, as I mentioned, only broadcast once, in 1978 – that means its signal is now forty-one light years from Earth and still going.  There are several hundred stars within that bubble, around two dozen of which are known to have planets.  Somewhere out there, aliens might be getting their first signal from humanity right now and it’s the Star Wars Holiday Special.