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chayscribbles · 2 years ago

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chayscribbles’ monthly writing update ☆ november 2022

☆ STATISTICS.

words written: 9835 drafting; 17606 redrafting/editing

projects worked on: Andromeda Rogue, Andromeda Rising

proudest accomplishment: i published my first art zine! oh and finishing the first draft of AR3 is also a thing that happened

books read: Memoria by Kristyn Merbeth; Cinder by Marissa Meyer, A Memory Called Empire by Arkady Martine

☆ GENERAL COMMENTS.

(book comments first: Memoria (the sequel to Fortuna, which i read a few weeks ago) was MUCH better imo than the first, 4.5 stars. Cinder was very enjoyable but i do feel like i am simply getting too old for YA and would have liked it better if i had read it a few years ago, 4 stars. A Memory certainly wasn't bad, but in the end it fell a bit flat for me, 3 stars.)

this month has been Very Weird. within the span of like 3 days a lot of things happened, including finishing AR3 and other Personal Stuff that resulted in me suddenly having a lot of free time on my hands that i did not know what to do with. but everything ended up working out! and a lot of that free time went to working on my wip.

i had thought that after finishing AR3 i'd work on one of my lower-effort sidewips, or work on other hobbies like drawing, but the motivation for those things just... didn't manifest itself? (also the Secret Space WIP, has become bigger than i thought it would, and i felt it would require more commitment than i am currently willing to give it)

anyways i just ended up going right back to AR kjdfgkjfds whoops

more specific wip-related comments + featured excerpt below.

☆ COMMENTS: ANDROMEDA RISING (finishing the draft)

did i really finish this draft this month? it feels like forever ago jkfdjk

so my unofficial NaNo goal was to finish AR3. i had originally estimated it would take 15k, and then adjusted it to 10k. i didn't quite make the 10k either but i DID finish the draft, so that's still a win. to me.

this draft turned out way shorter than i had hoped... and there's a LOT that needs to be fixed, and i'm not completely satisfied with how it turned out. but i really was at the point where i had to just get through it to call it done otherwise i never would, so thank fuck that's over with.

(trying not to think about how much needs to be fixed yet. gritting my teeth.)

☆ COMMENTS: ANDROMEDA ROGUE (draft... 2!!!!)

so i had this whole plan of letting the entire series rest, then rereading, reoutlining, reworking some plot, character and worldbuilding stuff, and only starting draft 2 in 2023... and then i got impatient lmao.

i was somewhere in the reoutlining stage about a week after finishing AR3 when i realized it felt like i was wasting my time. not much of the main structure of this book is gonna change, so i was pretty much just rewriting the exact same outline i already had. (i plantsed through draft 1 but made a reverse outline as i was writing.) most of the changes are adding or changing certain details to scenes and no amount of planning was gonna help any more than just writing out the changes. so, on the 18th, i started draft 2.

(besides, it's not like i didn't let AR1 rest. i finished it in june 2021 after all.)

i also had a bunch of editing notes from when i was drafting, + stuff i thought about later while writing the sequels on how to better set things up, + notes taken during my reread. so i ended up just annotating the hell out of my first draft to show where i would add or change things, and then i put the old draft on one side of the screen and a new doc on the other side and started rewriting it to include the changes.

i've gone through about 5 chapters and added an epilogue so far! it's going pretty fast haha. i've already added over 2000 words just by fleshing things out a bit more, now that i know my characters and the world much better than when i started. it's SO much easier now that i have the entire series in front of me.

chapter 5 is where i've been slowed down as there is a considerable amount of stuff that needed to be rewritten completely-- it's quite exposition-heavy (it's the scene where Petra gets a rundown of her xenobotany mission), and when i first wrote it, i wasn't exactly sure where i was going with the story. and even though i now have a fuller picture in front of me, it's always hard to write an exposition-heavy chapter and include everything that needs to be said without making it drag. not to mention, foreshadowing and setting things up appropriately.

right now, i'm taking a quick break from redrafting to iron out some of the political backdrop of the story. not only did i need to rest after wrestling with chapter 5, but i was disappointed reading A Memory Called Empire, which was supposed to be a political intrigue, and it was one heck of a motivator to try to make the politics in my book better haha.

☆ FEATURED EXCERPT.

very short passage i added to AR1 to further demonstrate how much of a nerd Petra really is.

“Petra,” Dr. Derosy said, “you did your thesis on vitaplants. Would you mind giving us a brief definition?” Petra coughed and sat up straighter in her chair. “Vitaplants are a category of plants that boost the growth and health of other living organisms around them, specifically through the emission of vitawaves," she said. "Vitaplants have been found to have evolved independently on multiple planets around the sector and are not confined to a single genus, which has confounded taxonomists—"

“Thank you, Petra. I did say brief.”

☆ TAGLISTS. let me know if you want to be added/removed to either.

general taglist:

@nicola-writes @dgwriteblr @the-orangeauthor @stormharbors @quilloftheclouds @ashen-crest @writeblrfantasy @celestepens @stardustspiral @pepperdee @extra-magichours @avi-why @lefttigerobservation @chazzawrites @bardolatrycore

andromeda trilogy taglist:

@bebewrites @nicola-writes @dgwriteblr @the-orangeauthor @stormharbors @akindofmagictoo @quilloftheclouds @nora-theteawriter @ashen-crest @corpsepng @writeblrfantasy @toboldlywrite @celestepens @stardustspiral @pepperdee @cheerfulmelancholies @extra-magichours @writeouswriter @cilly-the-writer @lefttigerobservation @rose-bookblood @drowsy-quill @chazzawrites @cynic-and-chief @enchanted-lightning-aes @aesa

#chayscribbles writing update #wip andromeda trilogy #wip andromeda rogue #wip andromeda rising #this one got a bit lengthy sorry kjdfjk

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creeps-and-pasta · 2 years ago

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Hi! Came across your blog while looking into creepypasta stuff and was wondering if youd know some key info on the main characters and the various versions of them? Ive seen lots of different versions of the creeps and lots of varying ages for them, it seems cool but also a little confusing. Like ive seen several ages for Jeff Woods: 13, 15 or even in his 20s. Im pretty curious about him and some others like Jane, Ben, and Nina!

Thank you for taking the time to send me these asks! I love explaining and going over creepypasta history. Also, thank you for your patience, I’m busy moving into a new apartment, so I’ve been neglecting this blog for a while.

I haven’t yet found one place to find a bunch of creepypasta history in one place, which I’ve been trying to fix. I’m planning on making either a google docs or neocities page one day that will put a bunch of creepypasta info in one place, but that will be a while. The info I’m pulling from is TV Tropes and the creepypasta fandom wikia.

The creepypasta fandom is different from most fandoms, because it lacks a true canon. Jeff the Killer is a huge example of this, it’s really hard to tell who first came up with him, or which version is the original.

Essentially, the famous Jeff the Killer image has been around since 2005, and in 2008 a user on Encyclopaedia Dramatica named Sesseur created a video about Jeff the killer and Liu, which I will link here. (WARNING for images of spiders and the original Jeff the killer image). My favorite line from the video is “he’ll fucking gut you” lol.

So anyway Sesseur is credited as the creator of Jeff the Killer and Liu, though it’s unknown if he created the og image or not. It’s notable that Jeff is an adult in the story. This version is Jeff C. Hodek.

The classic Jeff the Killer story, where Jeff is a kid that gets bullied and set on fire, was created by GameFuelTV on deviantart. This was in 2011. This is Jeffery Alan Woods. Jeff is like, 13?

A rewrite was made in 2015, by K. Banning Kellum, who I believe has a tumblr account, so be nice to him. This is the Jeff that has half his face burnt off, I think Kellum possibly did this to mimic TwoFace from the Batman comics, rather than the Joker homage that Jeff has had for years. I believe this Jeff is still named Jeffery Alan Woods.

There’s also Mr.Betty Kreuger’s version that I may as well mention. He’s a voice actor that did a whole lot of creepypasta impressions back in the day, and has a terribly written creepypasta series on his youtube channel. I…do not like MBK, but admittedly his hallway of nightmares video is sick af. He has a really good LJ voice. ANYWAY. His version of Jeff is called Jeff Keaton.

I could go into so much more depth with this, and I will probably make another post soon detailing the many Bens in this fandom, along with Jane and Nina. This is just…a lot of work to write about lol. I used to have notes about this somewhere, but I can’t find them atm.

I guess the key word here is “interpretation”. There is no One True Jeff, or one way for a person to write him. It’s all up to your personal interpretation of who Jeff is, what he is like, and which last name you prefer him having.

#asks #let me know if the links don't work #i hope the formatting isn't shit i copy pasted from google docs #creepypasta #my posts

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littleshysheep-at-da · 8 days ago

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OH GOD so let me saw a little something on why I think people don’t like Shun, and this is Crack Pot Theory shit so feel free to ignore it. So like I was thinking of Kyouya vs Shun in how they handle Trauma okay? And I hate how I’ve seen some portrayals of Kyouya because it’s very Romanticized Solider. Like the Toxic Masculinity of thinking keeping feelings to yourself is healthy (literally first thing any Therapist will tell you is don’t do that shit). And like I guess if you’ve never been severely Depressed you might not get that Kyouya at the end of the Novel Reads that way. Cause like the Novel handles it well, Writing him as a severely Traumatized Characrer, it’s some of the Fandom stuff I’ve seen Romanticize it. Kyouya is basically Heroic Spirit Emiya from Fate with the “we need to stop Romanticizing War and Soldiers as Heroics because it’s invalidating their Trauma” except Kyouya did not sell his soul to a magic cup so he had a chance at fixing things in this life. But I could go on about Kyouya for over 10,000 words so moving on. The difference with Shun is, and this is crucial, he had no problem admitting his failures and shortcomings. None. Zero. He doesn’t actually have a Hero Complex his “Hero” thing is him desperately trying to emulate Julius BECAUSE he knows he’s not cut out for it. The best show of it sadly comes VERY far into the series at vol 15 when he has his whole breakdown about Sue. But like Shun is the opposite of Toxic Masculinity. He’s not afraid to admit he’s wrong, listen to others, compliment others (my fav being how vocal he is about being thankful to Katia which they cut from the Anime and I will never not be mad), give others the control over the situation when he knows it’s out of his hands. Shun is a joke on the classic Isekai Harem Protagonist because he’s realistically out of his depths like anyone would be in a fantasy world. And my guess is that Dudebros who wanted a Wish Fulfillment Isekai are mad when confronted with reality. KumoDesu does not shy away from harsh realities and their depiction of war is one of my Favorites. Just like Shinji Eva where people hated him because he is a realistic depiction of a child under stress. No you wouldn’t be the cold hero, you would have a Mental Breakdown!

Okay I’m sorry that was long (also it’s late so sorry if Grammar is bad or Typos) but from one Shun lover to another, that is my boy. We protect boy.

And also 👀👀👀👀

👀👀👀

Oh my gosh I’m so honored to inspire Fic??????

Please send me a Link whenever you finish it!!!!Even if it’s not exact to my brain I’m still interested in seeing how you spin it!! Also it’ll be a Fic for them which is groundbreaking in itself.

(I stopped checking KumoDesu’s AO3 cause there wasn’t much good there years ago and idk where your gonna Post it but def send pls!!!!)

And god I know the feeling… it was this Post where I took the excuse to info dump my Outline of the Post Ending Fic I plan to.. One Day…. Write. But like that’s gonna years down the road at this point I stg OTZ… I know I’ll be too picky about how it comes out and want to Rewrite it a bunch… but remember there is no Fic market to oversaturate because it’s all about passion so we can Write 1,000 similar Fics! I did make an AO3 with the intent to Write KumoDesu (and my Rarepair Persona Ships) Fic but god…. What energy

Do you happen to have a discord account? There's a Kumo Desu discord. It's really not the most active nowadays, but it's there

I do actually! But I have probably the smallest social battery in the world and am also just a person who is INSANELY introverted, so I’m a very infrequent conversationalist. (Just a heads up to everyone I tend to give my Discord as a method of Content at Cons but uh… If I ever meet you in person and add you pls don’t worry if I don’t message you, I’m not trying to avoiding you or trying to ghosting you I’m just anti social and a dumby).

But honestly? I avoid general Fandom Servers (and ESPECIALLY Reddit Subs) like the plague. They’re just… too… unfiltered? Like I’ve come to learn how in Fandom everyone has different things they’re interested in. So you can be into the same Series but just completely incompatible, and that’s not that incompatible people are not bad people at all!!! You just have vastly different focuses and therefore not a lot to talk about! And since I’m mostly a Character Analysis Shipper type (and particularly a DIEHARD OTP/OT3 person) I tend to avoid more Gen stuff cause Shippers often get shit. Like excuse you Shippers DO care about Analyzing the Media!! But a lot of people in Kumoko are really in to like… Power Levels? And I mean yeah it has a lot of Stats and stuff so I don’t think that’s like an invalid point of interest!!! But it’s just never been my thing.

Plus with Kumoko I once checked the Reddit (mistake on my part I know) and (if I’m being honest about my bitterness, so heads up this next part is full of spite I’m sorry) saw people going for Ships I hate with such a passion I had to question if they even Read the Series or are Literate at all. Like my god I have never had NOTPs THAT STRONG. Like not liking the same Ships doesn’t have to be a dealbreaker (really depends on what they are though)!!! Like usually Ships I don’t like fall on a scale of “I could see it but it’s not my go to” to “that kinda icky but I knew it would be gross” but this was a “I have never questioned someone’s Reading Comprehension harder in my life and I want murder”. And do not get me started on people who Waifu Shiro and dumb her down to a Dere girl when her best quality is being insane. And people on Reddit are often mean and idk if Discord Servers are the same.

I mean… I guess this me having to come clean that I am… weirdly over protective of my Character Reads and Ships in Kumoko. Like a lot. Like a “I genuinely don’t understand why I get worked up about it so much?” (My best guess is left over Bullied Kid Trauma but I ain’t about to Trauma Dump rn) So ummmm there’s that… (my other all time Fav Series is Persona and idk cause it’s a Game I kinda expect there to be lots of people with bad takes cause people do Play Games without Reading the Dialogue at all (I know it’s super weird) and it’s a big enough (much bigger than Kumoko) Fandom for there to be people of all takes…) honestly Posting on Kumoko content has been super good for me cause it’s making me feel more comfortable talking about my Opinions? So I always have to give a BIG Thanks to people who send in Asks and Like my Posts.

… SORRY THIS REPLY GOT SO LONG AND PERSONAL GAH! Basically I didn’t know there was a Server but I’m not super interested. I’m gonna instead try to cultivate (with an emphasis on cult lmao) the kind of very specific Content I want to see on my own Blog 🫡

Basically I’m a Post about Shiro x Ariel and there three kids Mera, Kyouya, and Sophia as well as my Shun x Katia x Kyouya Agenda until you all go insane and it invades your brain.

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oswald-privileges · 3 years ago

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ALL RIGHT BUT YOU ASKED FOR IT

Power of Three as a series is just. full of weaknesses, most of which come down to poor continuity and structure. I'm not gonna try and fix ALL of those, bc that'd be laborious as hell, but I will pick out things that I feel are the most egregious as case studies.

What Po3 does have, tho, is an absolutely shining strength in the concept of its three main characters. After twelve books of Blandly Heroic Protagonist Syndrome, Jayfeather is an absolute godsend. He's angry! He's rude! He's unhappy! He's not nice. I Love Him And He's My Son. Lionblaze has his invincible pride (hah) and emergent bloodlust, and Hollyleaf has her moral absolutism and certainty. These are good starting points for characters. Sadly, the lack of continuity undermines what could have been three really good character arcs.

So! I present to you:

HOW TO MAKE "WARRIORS: THE POWER OF THREE" NOT COMPLETELY SUCK ACCORDING TO MY PERSONAL TASTE; A NON-EXHAUSTIVE, NON-CONSECUTIVE LIST BY ME

ONE

- Have there be a persistant, overarching series threat. Sol is a character with amazing villain potential who does literally nothing except hang around, and do exactly 2 Bad Things completely off-screen. This Is Not Good.

- Instead, have him be present from the second book onwards- initially introduced as a friendly but enigmatic outsider who is slowly revealed across the series to be a complete black hole of a personality, a social parasite quietly rearranging whatever community he's a part of to just-so-happen to benefit him as much as humanly possible. His "preach individualism not starclan" methods are not so much values as one strategy out of many. (to those who know me- yes i have a type. no i will not apologise.)

- Maybe his ultimate goal is to dissolve and centralise the clans or something so that he can live out his life as a political puppetmaster in all the cat-luxury he likes. idk it's hard to imagine overall stakes for this rewrite BECAUSE THE ORIGINAL DOESN'T HAVE ANY

TWO

- For gods sake you don't have a series based on the premise of "the main characters develop super powers" and then only have the second power confirmed by the end of the fourth book. I understand the first book mostly focusing on Jayfeather- his powers are obvious from the start, he's got the strongest personality of the three, he gets access to most of the prophecy plot stuff because of them. But you NEED to have the other two show an interest in something concrete happening to them beyond that, and you need to at least hint towards the other two having something unique to them even if nobody clocks it yet.

- Have Jayfeather tell his siblings about the prophecy by the end of book two at the latest. The amount of time he spends noodling around not sharing it with them is inexcusable. It's not that it's out of character for him to hang onto a secret for a bit, it's just that there's no point and it slows everything down. It would be equally in character for him to go to his siblings and be like "look, i'm SPECIAL. well you as well but ALSO ME". Boy starts off as desperate for recognition, what can I say

THREE

- Have Jayfeather discover that StarClan don't withhold signs or information on purpose for the sake of "building courage and faith" or whatever nonsense. Seeing and communicating the future is metaphysically very difficult, so interpreting signs and messages is a genuine skill, or even an art. The cats of StarClan, however, really are just ghosts, much more similar to living cats than the currently living believe. This is the impotus for Jayfeather's discarding of his reverence for StarClan, which remains consistent throughout the series.

- Have Hollyleaf and Jayfeather both still change their cat careers in the first book, but put place more attention on the fact that they basically switched jobs. Have a scene where they end up yelling at each other, because can't the other see how lucky they have it? The tension breaks when they realise they've both lost something important to them- Jayfeather his chance to prove he's as capable as a sighted cat, and Hollyleaf her path to helping her clan in the way she thinks is best. They commiserate together, and reluctantly promise to do the best they can with their lots, so they don't waste the path the other wishes they'd taken. This closeness is eroded over the series as they disagree more and more on the subject of StarClan and its role in their moral choices and obligations.

FOUR

- Speaking of Hollyleaf! I nearly threw my phone across the room when the first Omen of the Stars book claimed that Hollyleaf "worked so hard to discover her power to help her clan". Where, Ms Erins??? I would have LOVED to have seen that!! Hollyleaf expresses absolutely no concern over the details of what power she has/will develop, and only has a couple of scenes even touching on her ambitions to help her clan. She has some vague ideas about becoming leader and like one scene where she gets to do some leadery things, but that never gets followed up on. What does happen is that the whole "warrior code" thing becomes more and more a part of her personality (for no clear reason) until she snaps.

- Hollyleaf going off the deep end is something I wanted so badly to get into and be moved by, because I could see where it comes from! Her moral certainty is fascinating, especially since it's based in something as abstract as the warrior code- which, when you think about it, isn't really... anything. There's no concrete set of rules that make it up, no traditional wording or cat philosophers, not even any fables. It's a handful of agreed-upon, common sense rules- don't cross boundaries, don't take prey that isn't yours, respect your ancestors, and don't murder. That's it!

- So, combining the above points, I think Hollyleaf not being one of the Three should stay, but both the audience and the characters are given good reason to believe she is. By around the third volume, make it so that Hollyleaf has found that her power is to get cats to "Do The Right Thing"- i.e. what she wants them to do. She sneaks off often to see Sol, who teachs her how to use this power. Her siblings are concerned about this new power, having already gotten a glimpse at what Sol can do, but she's confident that she can only use this power for good. Volume-specific plot happens, Sol manipulates her into causing him to win, she is shocked and horrified, and vows to stick ridgedly to what she knows is right i.e. The Warrior Code

- However, the more fervently she tries to stick to this abstract idea, the less it gives her results, the more her power seems to be failing. Believing that StarClan is taking her power away from her, she becomes caught up in a faith-guilt spiral that puts her in the position to snap at the end of the series. By that point it's clear to her siblings that Hollyleaf has no power- she was just very, very good at persuading people to do what she wanted.

FIVE

- Lionblaze is a girl now because I Said So. This Cat Is Trans And There's Nothing You Can Do About It.

- Her relationship with Heathertail stays the same- childhood sweethearts who are torn apart as they begin to understand the nature of the societal divides that exist between them.

- This can be used to contextualise the whole "half clan/outsider blood" thing as a cultural contradiction. In reality, inter- and outer- clan relationships aren't at all rare. They can't be, otherwise the whole society would be inbred out of existence in like five generations. But if at least one society of humans can spend a good 200 years pretending Sex Is Bad And Sinful Actually then cats can have persistant cat-racism in the face of all logic. Heathertail clocks this contradiction, Lionblaze doesn't.

- Her relationship-to-power arc doesn't need changing all that much either, other than starting much sooner and being more consistent. At first, she's completely overjoyed by her power, since unlike her siblings, it lines up so well with her ambition- become the finest warrior any of the clans have to offer. As the berserker rage aspect becomes more prevelent, she becomes more and more disturbed by the fact that she isn't disturbed by what she can do, and that she doesn't want the escalation of her power to stop.

- Tigerstar still does his thing, but Brambleclaw knows about it. He recognises the signs from when his father used to visit him, and tries to train Lionblaze in his own way. She ends up caught between wanting to be a good warrior, and testing the limits of her power.

SIX

- Jayfeather can stay basically the same because he's my perfect little angy boy and nothing needs to change. His arcs can be strengthened by having a more robust relationship with Yellowfang where they try to out-bitch each other, and coming to terms with his internalised ablism. Maybe he has a chat with Mothwing about faith a couple of times. Him furiously lashing out at being offered help transitions into an acceptence and understanding of his abilities more naturally. He never stops being A Grumpy Old Man.

- All fucking past-lives unexplained time travel goes in the BIN. Doesn't fucking happen. You can have that lore dump sprinkled across the books, or come from going deep into the tunnels and having a surreal meeting. Make it properly eldritch-level scary, shake Jayfeather's confidence in the idea of them being just a bunch of ghosts.

SEVEN

- Have the way Brambleclaw and Squirrelflight present very clearly as parents to the Three be explicitly, textually unusual. One of the things I liked so much about the first series was an almost total lack of emphasis on who was mated with who, and who was related or not. It felt very real to how feral cat colonies form, where raising kittens is a communal job. This gets completely dropped the moment series 2 starts and now the cats have monogamy.

- This emphasis on the family unit and fostering close relationships between parents and kittens is deliberate on the part of both Leafpool and Squirrelflight. Their aim is to cover for Leafpool so she doesn't lose her role as medicine cat- something she already gave up Crowfeather for before she was pregnant.

- In that little bit of backstory, have a robust reason for both Leafpool and Squirrelflight to leave the camp while Leafpool is pregnant and giving birth, possibly one that ties into the present day story in some minor way. I don't know how, it would just make that element of the story a lot more ground than "we left, the kits were born, then we came back and everyone was cool with it"

- When it comes to the "I am Not your mother" reveal, Jayfeather and Lionblaze are confused and hurt that they were lied to, but come to the reasonable conclusion that well, since they were raised mostly by Squirrelflight, saw Leafpool often, and are loved by both, they don't hate her. Lionblaze has something of a crisis over being half-clan, possibly initiating an attempted reunion with Heathertail. Jayfeather is more concerned with how other cats will think it makes him lesser, something he's still sensitive too.

- Hollyleaf, meanwhile, completely fucking snaps at the way her mother Violated Part Of The Code. It's a completely irrational reaction, but expected because she's been growing more and more reliant on The Code for the whole series, and less and less stable in her attempts to aid her clan and train to be its new leader.

- Squirrelflight is the one to murder Ashfur. This is easy to work out while reading- she's literally the only one of the four with a motive who isn't a perspective character. The mystery is less around finding out who did it, and more about why she did it (it's very ambiguous as to whether it was an accident or not). The main tension comes from who finds out when.

- Lionblaze is shocked, awed by how far she'd go to protect the three of them, and reassures her she did the right thing (as a way to salve her own uncertainty over her own longing for violence). Jayfeather makes it all about himself because he's Jayfeather- upset that he didn't know immediately, instead of, you know, figuring it out in a few hours because he can basically read minds. They try their best to hide it from Hollyleaf, who is already rattling around the final volume as a full-on antagonist, but are unsuccessful. This almost costs them something incredibly important- possibly Squirrelflight's life.

EIGHT

- the whole plot with the Tribe Of Rushing Water is a MASSIVE can of worms that could be removed from the series without issue. As it is:

- Characterize the Tribe as uncertain of how to fight other cats, because yes, they haven't had to do this before. DON'T characterise them as pathetic, doing whatever their leader says without thinking, and with ancestors who have Given Up

- Have some of the Tribe be really good at the violence. Worryingly good. Have others be sickened by what they're being asked to do.

- Have some of the clan cats reflect on what they've done. Hollyleaf would be all for introducing this society to jesus The Code, but even she might be horrified at being thanked by a tribe cat who can't wait to get out there and win themselves glory, only to be killed a few hours later

- The Tribe begin a new tradition of marking the walls in the mud they use as camoflage in order to commemorate their battles, and memorialise the fallen. One of the characters reflects on the fact that in a generation or two, the Tribe will feel like it's always been this way. How many of their own traditions- those that feel almost like natural law- started out the same way?

- Have Sol as the leader of the invaders, or maybe having insinuated himself into the tribe as a "mediator" and doing his charismatic cult leader thing.

NINE

- Cinderheart isn't a reincarnation of Cinderpelt. She's just named after her bc Cinderpelt saved her mother from a badger. this is because I think the reincanation thing is stupid and I can't think of a way to make it good.

TEN

- No more using tails as hand gestures like covering people's mouths. Never. None of it. It's expunged from existence.

Disclaimer: I haven't read Omen of the Stars yet, so I can't account for anything that might happen in that series that's grounded in Po3. I'm like... two thirds of the way through the first volume. I'm Not Impressed.

#Warrior Cats #warriors #The Power of Three #Jayfeather #Hollyleaf #Lionblaze #long post

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percabeth4life · 4 years ago

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I am new to the fandom, i have already spoiled myself on HOO and the other series, i know he has messed up the original characters (Percy and Annabeth) badly, how badly exactly?

And what are your thoughts on HOO? (I just discovered your blog).

And how would you have written it?

Have a nice day!

Welcome to the fandom!

So to start, characterization in HOO. You’re specifically asking about Percy and Annabeth, though I would argue Grover also got screwed over we just don’t get to see him to really see it :(

Percy and Annabeth in HOO get messed up first with how their relationship is portrayed. They become rather centered on the relationship, very in their own bubble, and that just doesn’t fit how we see them in prior books. How they feel for each other didn’t change, just the name of the relationship and some of their boundaries.

On top of that Percy suddenly has some large interest in being in charge of the group, when in PJO he only takes charge when told to. Also he’s much more... confrontational with his allies. I didn’t mind parts of it, but other parts were out of character for him (like the constant conflict with Jason based on who should be in charge).

Annabeth was suddenly very friendly. Like, made friends with everyone in the group very easily which is not how she worked in earlier books. Annabeth also didn’t show half of the emotional struggles she did in PJO. She has issues from how she grew up, and those were shown pretty well in PJO, but HOO just kinda... imagined her all better from them. It was frustrating.

Overall it wasn’t a horrible overhaul of their characters, but it was clearly different in how it portrayed them, and not for the better.

As to my thoughts on HOO, I’m not a fan lol.

Book 1 didn’t introduce us well to the stakes, and frankly it brought up a lot of character points that could’ve been interesting and then the rest of the books just didn’t run with it. And how Drew was treated? And Piper acting with the other kids and being considered right for it? And just in general how the plot opened up and the implications things had that just weren’t explored or elaborated on? The Gods locking Olympus? Ugh.

Book 2 was my favorite, and I still had issues with it (the portrayal of the Amazons was just... no). Overall it was cool and I liked seeing clever Percy but I don’t get how everyone then went “Percy is so dumb lol” after because he’s clearly wickedly smart there, just also ignorant to the customs and you know, lacking his memory.

Book 3 had characterizations all screwed up, Annabeth and Piper have inside jokes and stuff? Annabeth would not get along with Piper like that based on their characterizations. Also the characterization of the Roman characters are just dropped. Plus the love triangle that went no where? Also how Rick treated Minerva, like buddy just because worship practices were different does not mean that the Romans just tossed everything that made Athena powerful. Minerva is a Goddess and highly respected, She’s just a different Goddess than Athena. Also it makes more sense for Minerva to have thought children than Athena but go off.

Book 4 was half interesting with Tartarus (though I feel he could’ve made Tartarus even darker, even more painful, we didn’t really get the emotional impact) but the land stuff was like... confusing. Giving Hazel sorcery could’ve been done in a much more interesting way that didn’t have... off vibes. The Kerkopes only served to give Leo a way back to Ogygia later which was dumb. The way that Rick completely forgot that Nico had his memories wiped in the Lethe and just had him know stuff about Italy (plus like, changed info on him, he’s supposed to be 13 not 14 and Hazel is supposed to be 14 not 13). The Triptolemus and Frank plot was idiotic and insulting, congrats his character arc was getting buff. And Nico getting outed like that? That was horrible. Also they literally go sightseeing when the world is ending but you know. Why was Ogygia there at all? Why did Leo need this girl suddenly into him? Jason’s “I’m not actually Roman I’m Greek” plot was dumb and inaccurate to his character, give us flashbacks to his time with the Romans because we still don’t know how much he remembers. The fact that it was so important for him to decide he’s Greek is 1. not how it works and 2. dumb how it was important for them to actually reach their destination. The fight scene in the Necromanteion also dismissed a bunch of other factors but whatever.

Book 5 is just... why. Why was there the Jason completely dismissing Percy saying he felt like dying. Why was there the opening shit? Why was the whole plot of the book finding a way to cheat death? Why was the big fight scene literally like a chapter? Why did Leo act so completely idiotically at the end? Why did Rick need everyone to be in a relationship? It sucked.

Overall I think you can understand that I did not like the books and while Book 4 has the most detailed complaints, Book 5 is dead to me.

How I would’ve written it is a long answer but I’ll try to keep it short... because that matters at this point lmao.

First off, if he wanted the Gods out of the picture then he should’ve removed them entirely. They should not have had a hand in things. The Primordials should’ve been involved in the conflict more openly (especially Uranus). There are loads of Titans to involve too! On both sides! Tartarus was not the only place to put them. The Romans culture was dumb so that would need to be fixed, and I can’t decide if I’d keep the Athena Parthenos or just kick it entirely. I’m actually rewriting HOO as part of my story ATLOP so I have a full plot line planned lol, but I don’t want to spoil it.

Thanks for stopping by anon and once again, welcome to the fandom <3

#hoo #pjo #percy jackson #jason grace #frank zhang #pjo analysis #pjo meta #hoo meta #leo valdez #Piper McLean #percabeth #annabeth chase #Hazel Levesque #anon asks #life answers #thanks for stopping by!

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definitely-not-a-wasp · 3 years ago

Note

I'm okay with a bunch of disorganized rambling honestly 😂. But if I had to narrow it down then I guess I want to know about main and side characters and how they compare to the original?

I know that tumblr is the Prime Site for disorganized rambling, but I have perfectionism issues. But that is a great question, nonnie, and I will be happy to ramble is a slightly less disorganized fashion.

When reading Maximum Ride as a somewhat-formed adult who discovered they enjoy English classes about 3.5 years ago, I noticed that JP, when writing, doesn't understand consistency. At all. Which means, in many ways, I have a free sandbox to work with.

Spoilers for my rewrite WIP, because I strongly believe that if a story would no longer be good if one had spoilers, then it wasn’t a good story in the first place.

I'm trying to keep the backstories the same, plus or minus the scientific method and a few characters (RIP my OCs. I want to bring you back so bad but it wouldn't fit with the thematic narrative). I've mostly kept their (starting) abilities the same, too. Without further ado, I'm going to introduce some WorldBuilding. (If I'm good at nothing else, I'm good at world building)

First off. Logically.

How are they getting Cable?

How are they getting internet?

How are they getting money to eat and stuff?

JP's answer: handwave it off. Sometimes you need to ignore logistics for the sake of plot. This is an answer I'd accept from an author that I like, such as Julie Kagawa, that makes amazing worlds, characters, and narratives that I will happily handwave a few things that wouldn't work in the real world. James Patterson, on the other hand, did not make any of that; he made a cool concept, some good rough-draft characters, and nothing else, and therefore this is an unforgivable sin.

Wasp's answer: They are not getting any of that.

Introducing Cottagecore.

The house is off the grid. Solar Panels and a wind turbine create electricity. They have their own well. They grow their own food, raise livestock for eggs, milk, and wool, and trap fish for meat. They get money through dumpster diving and pawning. They still have to steal half of the necessities they can’t make themselves. They do have a TV, but it can access about three channels on a clear day. Internet is only a thing when they go to the public library.

Giving the flock a background that’s heavy in farming and livestock rearing shores up the plot holes mentioned above, but in my opinion, ties the flock more tightly to the environment, thus giving them something tangible to lose when they have to leave the E-shaped house. Because they’re not just leaving a house and a safety net— they’re leaving their entire way of life with no promise of getting it back. It also gives them a tangible connection to the earth in case I want to actually pursue the global warming themes.

Main Characters

Maximum “Max” Ride (Birthname: nonexistent)

First off, I'm letting her be Latina, James Patterson.

In the original, Max was very much the headstrong, independent, action girl. Leaning into Strong Female Character (TM), but overall she had a strong, solid foundation and enough character consistency through the first three books for me to not have to just make an entire new character. However, I felt that she was, in some ways, a bit too Action-Girl and Strong and Capable. Yes, Max is incredible and competent, but she’s also fourteen. She’s a child.

In the rewrite, Max’s character is still headstrong, independent, capable, and sometimes not the best at listening to others. All of that’s the same. But she’s that way not because of girlboss energy, but because there’s no one else to do it. She doesn’t want to lead, necessarily. She wants to get some rest and let someone else handle the problems life keeps throwing at her. But she knows if she did that, the responsibility of leader would fall to Fang and Iggy, and she can’t ask that of them. She doesn’t want to place that burden on anyone else (Look, there’s a reason I chose Ayano’s Theory of Happiness as one of her signifier songs, okay?). Her narrative is very much centered around burden, and also around loss. She lost her cultural heritage when she was taken away from her birth family, she lost her childhood to being a leader, she lost a good deal of her friends to the school (RIP my OCs), she lost Jeb, and then she lost her stability. And she’s going to lose a lot more before the end of the story. So a lot of her character arc deals with learning that there are some things she can’t fix, some things that can’t be recovered. She can’t get the E-shaped house back. She can’t get her Little Baby Angel back, even after they rescue her. She can’t get her friends back from the school. And instead of working so hard to recover those or find something to replace them, she has to learn to live with that sense of loss and move on with her life without feeling guilty for leaving things behind. And she has to learn that asking for help and sharing her burden is selfish or weak.

Other changes I made that don’t necessarily fit into her narrative arc, but you asked for rambling so rambling you shall get:

Max hallucinates, because mental illness is also a prominent theme in the rewrite. She doesn’t have a psychotic disorder, but her C-PTSD causes visual/audio hallucinations, especially when she’s stressed or sleep deprived.

Max ends up having a Gender Discovery throughout the story and goes by He/She pronouns eventually. I don’t know when, but it will happen.

As far as genetic modifications/special quirks go, she can fly faster than the rest of the flock, but not 300 miles per hour. She averages about sixty mph with diving speeds of 240. She cannot breathe underwater or shut down her organs on command. She also has the Super Special Power to predict the weather, but that’s not because of genetics, it’s because she has chronic pain in her right arm that gets worse when weather fronts change.

Her favored weapon is her trusty rebar that she picked up from a condemned building. I think she’s going to name it eventually but I don’t know what yet.

Fang (Birth name: Gabriel Xue)

In canon, Fang is characterized in early books by being the “dark, strong, silent type”. He’s probably the most reserved member of the flock, to the point of falling into the Brooding Mystery Man trope in parts of the book. They care a lot, but they’re not the best at conveying that, especially with the younger members of the flock, and at times their high empathy leads them to making mistakes. Despite the high empathy, he’s often compared to a robot due to his lack of expression and external emotions.

Well, first change is that they’re not a man, so jot that down—

If Max’s narrative is centered around burden and loss, I would probably say that Fang’s is centered around humanity and moving on. None of the flock was treated as human while in the school, but Fang was more often than not treated like a wild animal due to “behavioral issues”, and therefore had and continues to have a difficult time considering themselves real and alive, let alone human. This manifests through a several different ways— where in canon Fang definitely had a ‘fight’ reaction, in the re-write they have a ‘freeze’ or ‘shut down’ instinct. They’re selectively mute for multiple reasons (including derealization, jaw pain, the fact that they didn’t learn how to speak until they were 10, and genuinely forgetting it’s something they’re capable of), a period of Cotard’s syndrome, and a tendancy towards self-loathing and self-sacrifice. In short, Fang is still halfway stuck in the mindset that most of the flock grew out of when they escaped in the school, and doesn’t know how to move past it.

Much of their character arc revolves around not necessarily seeing themselves as human, but learning to treat themselves as human even when they don’t feel like one (or even feel real), and knowing that just because they don’t feel human all the time doesn’t mean anyone else can treat them the same. They never start easily expressing their emotions, and they’re always going to be selectively mute, but they learn to accept that those aspects of themself aren’t character flaws or signs that they’re sub-human.

Other additions to Fang’s character include:

They don’t get their hair cut in New York. It stays long through the entire series. They have the longest hair in the flock by the end of the series, and they can wear it in so many styles.

Fang uses they/it pronouns because themes of reclaiming the weapons used against it and, more importantly, Gender.

They’re actually really good at spelling compared to the rest of the flock, because they and Iggy communicate with Print-On-Palm when they’re nonverbal, and they’re nonverbal for some pretty long stretches of time.

They and Max have... zero romantic tension. At all. There is none. The number of times Max calls them her sibling/little sibling in the first arc alone is staggering, and that will not change.

Igneous “Iggy” (Birthname: Jamsetta “Jamie” Griffiths)

I’ve talked about Iggy before. Canon doesn’t give us much to go off of, but from what’s shown, he’s smart, sarcastic, has sharper edges than Fang and Max, and also has a sizable ruthless streak. So that’s what I have to go off of.

The big difference between Iggy and Fang&Max is that Iggy has a much better memory of the School. Most of the flock have areas (months or years) that they don’t remember, or people that they’ve blocked from their mind, but Iggy... doesn’t. So he’s the one that remembers all of the other AVIAN test subjects that were old enough to have names and identities but died due to complications. Max might have the burden of leadership, but he has the burden of memory. And that has lead to both a massive fucking guilt complex, because why did he survive when they didn’t, and, as mentioned above, a ruthless streak that he doesn’t shy away from.

Which is to say, by the end of the story, Iggy has the highest kill count.

I love, love writing Iggy next to Max and Fang. I love writing Iggy next to Gazzy and Nudge. Because, I say this with all of the love of the world, but Iggy is not a good person. He is loyalty and love incarnate, and the world can burn down if he and his siblings are safe. Max and Fang will always try to save as many people as they can. They will wonder what’s wrong with them the first time they kill and don’t have a mental breakdown about it. They are good in a way that Iggy is not. He’s okay with killing Erasers. He’s okay with killing humans. He’s okay with killing people who might not necessarily deserve it, if they show themselves as a threat or are simply in the blast radius. He knows perfectly well that most of those Erasers he’s murdering are four and five and he is okay with that, because a lot of the AVIANs were that age when they died. (Yeah, in the rewrite it’s not Fang who has an issue with Ari; it’s Iggy who wants the 7-year-old wolf-boy dead.)

And this is, of course, juxtaposed with Iggy being really, really good with Nudge and Gazzy (especially in the beginning). Because, again, he actually remembers being a child. He remembers a lot of kids that died and is therefore fiercely protective of the kids that didn’t, as well as fiercely protective of the innocence that he never got. So he’s the one that cooks their favorite foods when they’re having a bad day, always makes time when they want to talk about something, and convinces Max to let them go to that toy store in New York because, yeah, he Max and Fang aren’t kids. They never were. But Nudge, Gazzy, and Angel can be. (And if he has to be a murderer to preserve that, then he’s perfectly okay with that.)

He and Angel don’t get along very well, though. The telepath doesn’t like hanging out with the person with the most clear memories of the school.

Other additions:

Iggy is trans and says trans rights

He also has paranoid episodes, because C-PTSD. Sometimes they’re very helpful. Sometimes they are not.

I actually decided that he’s one of the flock that doesn’t meet their parents. I know in canon he did, but I always found that very clunky because it didn’t add to his character. He was one of the characters who, until it was convenient for the plot, seemed to care the least about his family. I’d much rather give that to a character whose arc would benefit from it.

Iggy! Gets! Older Sibling Rights! Seriously, he’s two months younger than Fang, he is just as capable.

Iggy does not know braille because Jeb decided it wasn’t necessary for him to know. Iggy is also the best speller in the flock, because Print-on-Palm was the only way to talk to Fang for a solid year. Yes he mocks everyone over this.

Iggy is the only member of the flock that enjoys swimming and can take into the air from water. Everyone else in the flock is incredibly jealous.

Nudge (Birthname: Monique Robinson)

If Iggy is defined by his memories, Nudge is his polar opposite. She was seven when she left the School, but she has next to no memories of it. She is missing a lot of time in the first year she escaped. And that causes... a lot of things. It makes her feel disconnected from her older siblings, it gives her the ability to function in society in a way the other’s can’t, it lets her feel less grief over the ones that didn’t make it and she doesn’t remember, it makes her feel guilty that she doesn’t remember what she’s old enough to know.

Basically, in order for me to keep the character of Nudge as I saw her (more extroverted, not afraid of the world, fascinated with humans like her siblings aren’t, desiring to fit in instead of isolate), I had to put a little bit of distance between her and the flock. Of course, she loves them— that will in no way change— but she’s old enough that she should remember the school (and her dead friends) unlike Gazzy and Angel, but she can’t, and she very much fears forgetting the flock if anything happens to them. So she’s trying desperately to keep the flock close and wants desperately to experience the world at the same time, and doesn’t know what to do when she can’t have both. That’s her biggest character conflict throughout the series, along with that in-between area where she’s not quite where her older siblings are but understands so much more than Gazzy and Angel, and where she stands in that.

So yeah. Nudge’s journey is that in looking for belonging in the world, in her family, and in herself.

This is why she’s one of the ones that gets to find her parent, James Patterson.

Other additions include:

She never straightens her hair. Never. Her resources at the E-shaped house aren’t perfect, but she still has learned how to take care of her hair and has a few styles she cycles through.

She becomes the default person Max sics on people when the flock is trying to befriend them. Also their de-facto diplomat around strangers.

As in canon, she does take some time away from the flock to expirience ‘normal life’. This does not last long due to the stress of being separated from her siblings/not being able to help them and [REDACTED]

Nudge is... not the only person in her head. I’m not focusing on it much because she doesn’t actually know and neither does the flock (I don’t know if they ever figure it out during the series, either), but she has dissociative identity disorder. She’s not aware of her alter(s?). Her alter isn’t super aware of her, either.

The alter that I’ve developed is named Oxy and is not super aware of the outside world. In her eyes, she’s still seven and they’re still at the School. She would not recognize the body as her own if she looked in a mirror.

Nudge actually leaves the flock for a while to pursue her dream of living a normal life. She deserves it. She learns how to make muffins and the basics of software development. These things are unrelated.

Gasman (Birthname: No first name, surname “Falk”)

Honestly, writing Gazzy is kind of hard for me. Partially because I’m not great at writing kids, and partially because I feel like he’s a pretty surface-level character in-series that... isn’t super compelling in canon. But even if that’s the case, I try to treat all of my characters with respect, so here we go. In my rewrite, he escaped when he was four, which was half a lifetime ago for him, so his memories are ill-defined. Therefore, he managed to circumvent a lot of the trauma that the rest of the kids have, and not in the way Nudge did, which is by creating an elaborate blockage in her memories.

Which means Gazzy... really doesn’t know how to deal with all of this traumatic stuff happening. So much of his development turns out to be a coming-of-age narrative. Learning how to deal with the horrors of what his siblings grew up with. Learning the fears that they had the entire time. Losing his innocence when everyone around him never had it in the first place, and being so terribly alone because of it. Because, really, how can you explain such a deep loss to people who never had what he had? How can they help in a way that matters?

Also, relationship-wise, I’m slowly deteriorating the relationship between him and Iggy. Slowly. Or, changing it, at least. Gazzy hero-worships Iggy in-series, and for good reason, because Iggy is super cool, especially in the eyes of an eight-year-old, and especially when Iggy has taken care to cultivate parts of his behaviors to be child-friendly. Part of growing up is seeing the flaws in your heroes, and Gazzy has to learn how to deal with it. End of the series Gazzy is much less closer to Iggy than beginning of the series Gazzy, and neither of them are really okay with that, but they learn to live with it, because that’s really all they can do.

Notes:

I’m keeping the mimickry! It plays a bit of a bigger role because that’s how Gazzy learned to talk. I’m debating whether or not he has his own voice or if he just borrows the flock’s as he sees fit. He also uses it to scream really loudly and occaisonally burst the eardrums of Erasers.

At one point he cosplays as Jessica Jones. No you don’t get any more context than this.

He has a horrible sense of fashion.

I’m changing his name eventually because it sucks. He’s either going to change it to Gannet, Garrison, or Ivy Mike temporarily, and permanently to Zephyr. (I never said I was going to make his name GOOD, because he’s eight, but it’s changing. You’re welcome.)

Angel (Birthname: No first name, surname “Falk”)

It’s just... a completely different character, at this point. I’ve changed so many things about her in an attempt to make her consistent and act like a six-year-old and work in the whole “telepath before she has a solid sense of identity”, so it’s a different character. Also, I’m tired of writing coherently or in paragraphs, so have some interesting facts.

She has epilepsy! Super severe epilepsy! I think she might also develop juvenile MS in the future because her brain has so many scars from being a fucking six-year-old telepath. There’s no way she could get out of that unscathed.

She has more memories of the school than Gazzy, but only because she keeps accidentally reading the minds of Max, Fang, and Iggy. On a related note, she interacts with Iggy as little as possible.

The mind reading means that she has a hard time developing as a normal child with a normal sense of identity or reality. She can’t tell how much people are individual people and how much they’re just extensions of her. Conversely, she can’t tell how much of herself is actually her instead of the thoughts/opinions/identities of someone else. It’s... kinda fucked? But also super not-her-fault.

She’s albino because white wings. Also, because I thought it was cool. This also means that her vision sucks, though. Also she has the biggest straw sunhat and the most stylish sunglasses a six-year-old can have.

She’s responsible for Max shaving her hair off.

She has the highest swear count because I think it’s funny. She’s the only person allowed to say the fuck word in writing. Everyone else can only say ‘hell’ and the occasionally ‘damn’ but she can say whatever she wants for dramatic and comedic value.

She is NOT THE FUCKING VOICE, J*MES P*TTERSON.

Honorable Mentions

Jeb

I’m skipping Jeb because of how little I care about him. He’s a little bitch, next character.

Ari

STILL HASN’T BEEN REVEALED AS AN ERASER. I’ve been writing for 50,000 words and he’s over here saying ‘nope nope not yet, not dramatic enough’. He’s had speaking lines but has refused to make himself known to Max. I am so frustrated with this seven-year-old wolf-child that I’ve already considered how I would kill him, if I decide I want to kill yet another child in my writing.

So, my main thoughts for Ari is that he... really just drew the short end of the stick in every possible way. While Jeb didn’t sign him up for Eraser expirimentation, he didn’t do anything to stop it, and pretty much cut his losses when he realized this expiriment made a wreck of his ‘perfect, unflawed’ son, because Jeb doesn’t consider children of any species to actually be humans. So, Ari really hates his dad, which makes things complicated, because he also really loves his dad and really wants his approval.

Which means that he also really hates Max, because she’s the child that always got Jeb’s time and attention, even when Ari was human. I think, on some level, he knows that trying to tear Max down to a less-favored level isn’t actually going to help his situation— infighting for the love of an abusive parent won’t make them any less abusive— but he’s also seven, and his development is already severely stunted due to becoming an Eraser, and he doesn’t see ‘leaving ITEX’ as an option like the Flock does. ITEX is his everything. It’s all he’s ever known, and they tell him he’s doing the right thing, and he wants them to love him. He wants his father to love him. He knows that if he ever questions ITEX, his father will never love him. So it must be his older sister that’s ruining his life and being a horrible child, and once Ari drags her back down to his level, Jeb will realize who the best child is and love him properly again.

Ari, on an even deeper level, does care for Max quite a bit, because she’s his older sister and he wants that to mean something in a way that ‘Jeb being his father’ obviously doesn’t. He wants what she made for herself, and he hates the Flock because she loves them and obviously doesn’t love him.

Ari, if anything, is the product of neglect, and both loves and hates everyone who shows a chance of caring about him. And he’s seven, so he can’t notice these patterns, let alone break them.

So. Notes!

He doesn’t look like an adult. I thought that was gross and unnecessary. He’s seven, but he looks closer to thirteen or fourteen. Still young enough that he looks like every Eraser’s little brother, and the Erasers high-key treat him like it.

On a related note, he’s the only Eraser who can talk. The others don’t have the mental capacity or vocal structure to replicate human speech, but they can understand language (at about the level of a two or three year old) and are very good at nonverbal communication. This is why Ari managed to climb the ranks despite only having three years of “service” and also looking like a tween.

He doesn’t have an expiration date because that is SUCH a stupid plot point.

I’m giving him a chainsaw! I don’t know how, I don’t know when, but he deserves to have a chainsaw and GODDAMN I will give it to him.

Emergency and Gene

The OCs that I love and also killed pre-series. They don’t have any scenes, because they’re dead, but their deaths greatly effected Max, Fang, and Iggy, and they are very commonly referenced. Their voices are probably Max’s most common hallucination, to the point where she sometimes pretends they’re ghosts that she can talk to. They’re not ghosts. They’re dead.

Dr. Valencia Martinez

I’m actually keeping her pretty close to canon— loving, supportive, the type of person to take in a gsw victim with minimal questions. The difference is that rather than kindness fueling her actions, it’s incredible guilt. She has three goals surrounding Max: Give her as much support in any way she can, teach her as much about chicane culture as possible, and never let Max know that she’s her birth parent.

(She’s probably going to fail at AT LEAST two of those, but it’s the thought that counts.)

Notes:

She has a pet fox named Robin Hood that she rescued from an exotic animal salesman that got arrested.

I think I’m going to kill her. I don’t know yet, but it’s on the table.

Anne Walker

Y’know, the fake FBI Agent. Who’s not actually a fake in my story because I hated that plot point. She’s genuinely an FBI agent who put the Flock into pseudo-witness-protection in order to build a case against the Institute of Higher Living, accidentally got attached to her prime witnesses, raised them for a few months, realized a [SPOILER] and promptly had to let them get the hell out dodge.

I really like the Anne Walker that lives in my head. She is a VITAL part of the Flock’s development, their mental/emotional recovery, and adding to their safety net to fall back on. She serves them as their first adult role model, and is the first adult to show them what parent/child are supposed to look like from a healthy perspective. Though she has several fuck ups, she becomes someone that the Flock genuinely trusts and loves, which makes it all the more difficult for them to leave when [REDACTED].

Notes:

She and Max do butt heads initially, because Max is paranoid and also afraid of becoming uneeded. This ends up being incredibly important because Max needs to learn how to live and find meaning in life without being the designated Leader/Parent/Big Sister

Anne, at one point, sits the entire flock down to teach them about consent, which was something no one ever talked about with them before. She goes in talking specifically about consent in a romantic/sexual sense (because they’re fourteen and that’s something they need to know), but quickly turns into a full-fledged no, people are NOT allowed to do that to you, what the FUCK.

She’s responsible for giving the flock a laptop. It’s because Angel is online schooled (bc telepathy makes actually learning difficult) and was therefore provided with a computer.

Anne is also allowed to swear, but only when it’s funny.

Michael “Grey” Rivers

Aka Grey from the Sewers Aka GR3Y H47 Aka Mike from the Bronx Aka Gifted Child Syndrome Incarnate Aka Would-be-in-MIT-if-his-parents-weren’t-horrible. He’s my son, your honour.

Basically, his backstory boils down to him being a genius, getting into MIT at 14, his (horrible) parents wanting a perfect child who could “make it out” of the Bronx and represent his family/neighborhood/borough to the world. When he inevitably failed their expectations due to stress, a schizophrenic-spectrum disorder that completely alienated him from the rest of his support network, and refusing to take his psych meds because the side effects were horrible and they made it harder to think (and therefore pass his classes), they kicked him out. He fully intends to go back to MIT when he turns 18 and has control of his finances/scholarships/medication/therapy.

So that’s how the flock meets him.

Mike ends up in a very prominent support role for the flock both in technological persuits (helping them track their parents, helping them get information from ITEX, trying to disable Max’s chip and failing multiple times until it becomes a matter of personal honour—), in helping the older members of the flock figure out how to deal with hallucinations/delusions (because he’s actually been to therapy, unlike them), and in being one of the only people who talks to them and helps them without any ulterior motive. He’s not trying to build a case against ITEX/The Institute of Higher Learning, he’s not double crossing them, he’s not plagued with guilt. He just genuinely wants to help them, and they genuinely want to help him, and that’s their first introduction to a healthy, non-codependent relationship.

My many disorganized notes on Michael Rivers:

He’s from specifically Morris Heights, Bronx, NYC.

He would say that his last name is actually Rivera, but his grandparents changed it to Rivers so it would sound more English, and his family has been in America for so long that he doesn’t know much about any Latino heritage he may or may not have. He identifies as African American, not Afro-Latino. He’s just bitter that his family felt the need to change their surname to have better opportunities in New York.

Nudge aggressively befriends him pretty much the moment she meets him, bullies him into teaching her how to code, and he very quickly adopts her as his pseudo-little-sister.

His delusions in the book seemed to involve government conspiracies, but as that’s the one delusion that is proved correct in the book, I’ve decided it would be best if his delusions and reality intersected a bit less if I don’t want to write him having a manic/paranoid episode in the second scene he has screen time. So his delusions are more based on “none of this is real”, “someone is recording everything I do and setting me up to fail” and “my ill-wishes on people can and will come true if I dwell on them too long.”. Government conspiracies are one of things he is skeptical about because he thinks most conspiracies are either “CIA admitted to this twenty years ago” or “antisemitism”.

He’s taking online free college classes that don’t actually give him any college credit, but they have good information and help him feel like he’s working towards something. He plans to double major in computer sciences and electrical engineering, minor in marine biology. He’s wanted to join NOAA since he was twelve and he is nothing if not stubborn.

There you go. These are my characters, now. I have custody.

#maximum ride on main #Maximum Ride rewrite

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stomp-that-ho-regard · 4 years ago

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Retcon

noun

(in a film, television series, or other fictional work) a piece of new information that imposes a different interpretation on previously described events, typically used to facilitate a dramatic plot shift or account for an inconsistency.

verb

revise (an aspect of a fictional work) retrospectively, typically by introducing a piece of new information that imposes a different interpretation on previously described events.

Retroactive Continuity

Reframing past events to serve a current plot need. [...] In its most basic form, this is any plot point that was not intended from the beginning. [...]

Post-hiatus C2, and the Great Retcon...

(The retconning really started with the playlists, but we’ll come back to those.)

First, some context:

SDCC (July ‘18) - Marisha was asked directly about Beau and Yasha and if she and Ashley had discussed it. “After the first few times that I kinda put the moves on her, we were at break, and I could sense that Ashley was wanting to ask me something. And she was like, ‘Hey, I’m just curious... is Beau- ’ And at that exact moment someone’s like, ‘Yo Ashley! We gotta go! We gotta get on stage!’ And I was like, ‘Bye!’” Then Brian asked, “And you haven’t had a further conversation about it?” Marisha said, “Nope!”

(Seven months into the campaign, and no discussions. Hmm.)

NYCC (Oct. ‘18) - Marisha was asked about who would Beau get flustered over if they ever flirted back, and yes, she said Yasha and laughed, but then said, “It’s like throwing pebbles at a brick wall.” Meaning, she was putting stuff out there and not getting anything back. (And, she really wasn’t. I still remember when a major portion of the fandom, including the diehard shippers [of which I was one at the time], weren’t sure if Ashley was even interested in this. More than that, it wasn’t until the Zuala reveal, that the fandom and the players found out for certain that Yasha was actually into women.)

(To me, Marisha’s answer here also suggests that at this point, there were still no discussions.)

Talks Machina for ep61 (May ‘19) - Marisha was asked ‘What was going through Beau's mind when Yasha revealed her past with Zuala? Has this changed any feelings Beau might have? Or has Beau's character growth allowed her to mature a little more with regards to her feelings about Yasha?’ Which Marisha instantly pegged as a shipping question. And she said, “I’m trying to figure out a way to answer this to not ruin everyone’s internal canon, in their brains. I don’t want people to overestimate Beau’s intentions towards Yasha. But then also, is that on me? Have I been leading everybody on?”

So, you had all of that, all the way up to ep61.

None of this indicates that ‘it’s been happening since ep1′ or that it’s ‘the slowest of slow burns.’ In fact, it shuts that down completely.

Moving forward to the Beau and Fjord convo (ep108)...

Marisha suddenly having Beau say “There was something about Yasha from the moment that I saw her”. She’s retrospectively attempting to give that moment more weight, when (based on the examples above) we know that the over-the-top flirting was just for fun. And truthfully, she really wasn’t flirting with Yasha any differently than she was flirting with any hot female NPC the party crossed paths with.

And now it’s clear that that one line she said is the reason why BY shippers have suddenly clung on to the idea that “It’s been happening since episode one! SLOooOowBuUuuUrn!!!!!” when its clear that it was not planned. (Not before the hiatus-from-hell, anyway.)

Then Marisha having Beau go from describing Jester as “She's fun. She makes me laugh. I like her ridiculous plans. I think she's complicated and layered.” to “It’s easy to lust after her”. I’ll direct you to Talks for ep85. After Marisha had mentioned that it was a bunch of little things that build, and then pinpointed a few of them, Brian tried to make a joke and said “So you’re saying it’s been more a series, than just one moment that you can point to and say ‘It was right here when I went, let’s fuck!’” Marisha specifically countered that with “It’s not even about 'let’s fuck’. It’s nothing sexual in this case.” (Having her backpedal on this so heavily was such a huge gut punch and was the thing that wholly soured everything for me.)

There were so many better, more delicate ways Marisha could’ve had Beau examine/come to grips with her feelings for both women, but all the reduction and saying they were ‘transferable’ was nothing short of insulting.

On that same Talks episode, Marisha also said this: “Going into this campaign all of us were like, ‘No relationships!’ I didn’t want it! I didn’t ask for this!”, while smiling. What this shows me is that she was thinking of a relationship in regards to Beau’s feelings for Jester. As if she was maybe even anticipating this culminating into something? Why even mention relationships at all if this was nothing serious and was always meant to fall by the wayside?

Brian then followed up with, “In my opinion, as a viewer, Beau’s someone who seems to be on the search for innocence. Whether innocence lost or just innocence in general. And to me it makes sense that you would be attracted to someone who exudes genuine and sort of intrinsic innocence.” Marisha replied with “Fairly astute.”

The next question was, ‘Beau has taken a pretty casual, no-strings-attached approach toward sex and relationships so far. How do her feelings for Jester compare to her previous romantic flings?’ Marisha answered immediately and very seriously with, “Noncomparable. It’s more than that.” She wasn’t playing coy and it didn’t take her a century to find the words. She didn’t even have to think about it. Succinct and direct.

How did all of that ‘organically’ disappear completely, after only 14 episodes?

(Everything felt more genuine back then, because it seemed like Marisha was going where the character was taking her, and not where she thought the character should be going.)

Post-hiatus, everyone and their mother are acting like BY is some epic romance-of-the-ages that was all mapped out, and like Beau having feelings for Jester was just some sort of temporary curveball. That Beau was confused, or was just missing Yasha and projected onto Jester.

That’s really fucked up no matter how you try to justify it. I honestly don’t think I’ve ever seen another piece of media backpedal this hard, and this callously.

None of that squares with what we were shown or with what we were told. Until, everybody made a hard pivot and now they've done (and continue to) do everything they can to rewrite campaign history, even though we have plenty of footage that contradicts the new ‘company line’.

Now, where the retconning truly began, with the playlists...

Remember the first round of playlists? Those were released randomly, whenever the cast felt like posting them. I also don’t remember there being announcements every time one came out either.

This time though, they had a fixed schedule, complete with official twitter announcements. As they started to just get back into the swing of things, Yasha’s playlist was released right after the first episode back.

So, right out of the gate, they had to make sure they started to drill home a certain mindset for viewers. That’s why Yasha had a song called ‘Let Me Hold You’. (Lo and behold, a few episodes in, Beau randomly asks Yasha to hold her.) A few weeks later, Beau’s playlist was released, and there was a song with the caption saying ‘Ultimately, all she really wants is someone to hold, and someone to hold her’. (But sure, no planning here! The wording is just a total coincidence, folks!)

The other song, directly about Yasha, mentions ‘a crush forged in battle’ (ok), and ‘awkward flirtations’ (???). Yasha never openly flirted with Beau before the hiatus, until maybe right after the Obann arc, in a very vague way.

On Beau’s playlist, there’s nothing about Jester. The one track that mentions her is actually about Artagan. Which, after all they’ve been through together, is fucking ridiculous no matter how you slice it.

In addition to that, Marisha had made Beau’s time in Kamordah (ep92/e93), and the incidents with her family and the Hag, about the group now, not about Jester, fully contradicting her own reiterated words that ‘Jester saved Beau’.

When Beau was talking to her dad, reverting back to her old self and getting all riled up, Jester helped her in that moment, and saved her. Yes, the group was very supportive, and yes, Yasha said something to him before they left the house (that Beau was out of earshot for by the way), but Jester was Beau’s rock throughout that whole thing.

With the Hag, when the group was having a hard time coming up with a solution, and they realized they might actually lose Beau, Jester stepped up and took control of the situation. She, single-handedly, saved Beau/the group from the Hag. And with that, Jester also became Beau’s hero.

In both instances, Marisha thanked Laura/Jester. First on Talks for ep92 with both of them on it. She reiterated, “You saved me. You saved Beau.” Then on Twitter after ep93 with, “Still processing last night. Saved by a cupcake? Eh - saved by @LauraBaileyVO ... again.”

But now suddenly, it’s the group. Just the group?

Now, don’t get me wrong. The entire party showing Beau support was incredibly important. The M9 showed her that they value her, that she’s important to them. It solidified the theme of ‘found family’, which was beautiful. But, to not also highlight how crucial Jester was in all of this, after making such a big deal about it?

That is very deliberate retconning of some hugely important, highly emotional moments for Beau that directly involved Jester.

Any of Beau’s organic and genuine connection with Jester (which encompasses their deep friendship as well as Beau’s romantic feelings) has been massively reduced (and now erased), specifically to prop up a supposed ‘deep’ connection with someone else that was barely ever there, is still barely there, and has no actual depth at all.

Case in point, the BY date (ep126) showcased this fact to the most extreme degree...

Yasha’s infamous line: “I fell in love with you in Kamordah.” So, Yasha literally watched Beau relive her childhood trauma, and caught feelings during it. I’m not wrong in thinking that that’s just a little disturbing, am I? Also, if that’s the moment she supposedly fell for her, why did she not offer her any form of help? I mean, besides that one sweet moment with TJ, the entire time Beau was in Kamordah, she was the most broken down she’d ever been and needed some real comfort, which is something Yasha did not give her. (Jester did though. In spades.)

So, on multiple levels, this seems highly out-of-place.

Several people have said that that line was not thought through. In my opinion, it actually was thought through and was only said specifically to have viewers completely dismiss everything else that happened in the Kamordah episodes. Despite the FACT that Beau and Yasha barely interacted during those episodes, they have now stripped down the party’s experience there, and twisted it into a giant BY shipping moment. (Further feeding into the retcon.)

Their ‘trip down memory lane’ was laughable. Most of the things that were mentioned, Yasha wasn’t even around for.

Gee, remember when the cast was actually good at separating what they knew from what their character knew? When you start injecting what you know into your character (who isn’t supposed to know, because they literally were not physically there), you are metagaming.

The entire date was one big metagaming bonanza. And it had to be, or else they would’ve had nothing to talk about. There is not one thing they have to call their own. To people who don’t have BY tunnel vision, it was made glaringly obvious that they have nothing in common and their dynamic is fairly shallow. Meanwhile, the rest of the cast are sitting there watching this unfold, smiling and nodding along as if it all makes perfect sense and isn’t utterly ridiculous. (And I’m sitting here wondering when I got shunted into the Twilight Zone.)

The shallowness holds true for FJ as well. Aside from both of them being from the Menagerie Coast, what exactly do they have in common?

While Fjord has grown as a character, as far as Jester goes, he still does not seem to have the capacity to fully understand her as a person, or fully respect her abilities/emotional strength/intelligence. He doubted her often, which led to Jester getting irritated with him several times over the course of at least the last third of the pre-hiatus episodes. He even continued to doubt her judgment (in regards to the Traveler) in the post-hiatus Rumblecusp episodes. But hey, they’ve kissed now (ep118) so all of that gets wiped clean, and he’s being touted as her ultimate romantic soulmate who’s oh-so-perfect for her.

For fuck’s sake, why does that sound like something pulled right out of a CW show?

(I'm convinced that the only reason FJ is ‘popular’ is because the shippers have projected Travis and Laura’s real-life marriage onto the characters. If Fjord and Jester were played by different people, or Travis and Laura were not together, people would realize how paper-thin and half-assed this pairing is and hardly anyone would care about it.)

Beau and Jester had developed the deepest, most genuine friendship and overall dynamic in the entire party, that should have absolutely been given the chance to be explored further. They constructed a pretty solid foundation that could have easily been built upon, and the fact that it’s been unceremoniously pulverized and snuffed out in favor of such overwhelming tepidity and flavorlessness will never not infuriate me.

Finally, to finish this off, I will say with my whole chest, that that is one of many nasty, rotten patterns that I’ve seen far too much of in all kinds of scripted media, which is...

Not wanting to commit to the thing that’s actually growing organically, because it’ll ruffle too many feathers. It’s too inconvenient. It gets in the way. Because of course, nobody wants to do that. Nobody wants to take a risk, or you know, actually follow where the natural fucking chemistry is taking you. Of course not! Heaven forbid, we go down a different road! You have to go with what’s ‘expected’, no matter what, at the great expense of something new that’s come along that’s clearly better. Even when what’s expected is hollow as fuck and doesn’t make sense anymore, because characters have grown and dynamics have changed, they decide to dig their heels in with the most fanservice-y options instead.

Yet this is UNSCRIPTED media. A D&D campaign, that’s supposed to be mostly improvised. D&D, that’s all about taking chances/going with your gut/making bold choices/etc., from people who have claimed up and down that they “like to see things play out at the table”.

So why are those same disingenuous patterns being utilized here too?

One of the big reasons I got into CR was because I naively believed that because the format was different, that the storytelling would be different. I thought I wouldn’t have to worry about running into this nonsense here. That I wouldn’t have to worry about getting bullshitted, jerked around, and having my intelligence insulted left and right, but alas, here we are.

In conclusion... [TL;DR, kinda?]

Reframing past events (between B & J, and B & Y) to serve a current plot need (railroading BY):

Beau playlist ignores Jester’s importance to what transpired in Kamordah. (minimizing/erasure)

Beau playlist doesn’t acknowledge/hint at Beau’s feelings for Jester. (total erasure. could have at least included a song about feelings being lost, or being confused about feelings for a friend, but Marisha took the cowardly route, and didn’t bother mentioning it at all.)

Beau playlist claims that Beau and Yasha have both been flirting forever. (easily debunked by session footage.)

In her conversation with Fjord, Beau says, “There was something about Yasha from the moment I saw her”. (it was just about hooking up then, and stayed that way for a majority of the campaign. This line suggests that Beau has had ‘deeper feelings’ for and/or has been ‘in love’ with Yasha since the first episode, that this was all intentional build-up, which again, is easily debunked by session footage, panels, and TM.)

In her conversation with Fjord, Beau says, “It’s easy to lust after her.” (minimizing/erasure/twisting of Beau’s feelings for Jester, which Marisha had previously stated were ‘noncomparable’ , ‘more than that’, and that her attraction is ‘nothing sexual in this case.’)

This isn’t a fucking conspiracy theory. This is plain evidence of a planned retcon.

#op #super long post #uber rant #happy thursday! ;)#beaujester #i wrote this up back in december but didn't have the energy to finish it until now #it got longer as i went #guess i still have a lot of bitching left in me lol #that's what happens when you feel like you've been getting kicked in the teeth for nine months

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themadauthorshatter · 3 years ago

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... Okay, let's do this.

For starters: I DON'T HAVE A PROBLEM WITH THE DOROTHY MUST DIE SERIES OR THE AUTHOR! I'm just doing this for the people who were left less than fulfilled by the series, and to tie up all the loose ends I think were left.

This is not a rewrite, this is just a bunch of ideas I have because I have too much time on my hands.

Think of it as a 'How to Fix Dorothy Must Die Even Though The Original Is Fine The Way It Is'

Anything I don’t mention is something that doesn't change because I don't see a problem with it.

For starters, for real this time, Dustin is more of a douche, matching Madison's bravado, Amy isn't picked on by everyone, there are a few kids and teachers who like her because she tries hard despite her circumstances, like she's smart.

The fight still occurs, Amy's still suspended, and her mom disapproves. The only change I'm making to Amy's mom is that she isn't a vicious bitch. She's disappointed in Amy for fighting and warns her to not get pregnant at a young age because her life will be made harder. It doesn't come off that way, but it still stings Amy.

Does she still leave? Yes. Amy doesn't go with her because she's mad at her for her addiction and the words she said.

And Start is still here, too.

THEN SHE'S OFF TO NEVERLAND- I mean, OZ! OFF TO OZ!

Amy is still saved by Pete and is horrified by Oz, asking how it ended up decaying and who is responsible.

He can't answer because he's about to transform into Ozma, though he does tell her to not trust anyone.

The walk down the yellow brick road is more eeire as there'd by more sounds, like vultures sounding, roaring, and even some screaming.

During this walk, Star watches Amy's back and chatters at something following them, running at something behind Amy when her back is turned and keeping her eyes on what's behind Amy and making angry rat noises.

Amy gets fed up and has to walk backwards for a little bit before Star turns back around and almost jumps off of Amy's shoulder to attack the thing following them.

Amy gets a glimpse of it as she turns, seeing a person dressed in black and wearing a mask that's a crying smiley face, think a comedy mask, but with black paint raining down the eyes.

The figure zaps away and Amy gets the shivers.

This is not the last time we see the mystery person, as it saves Amy from the corn on the cob and tries chasing her away with a wolf illusion, but she saves it in return when the corn stalks pick it as a target instead, snatching it by the neck and choking it as it also gets pulled in. Amy gets a knife from its belt and cuts it free and the two race out of the field, falling to the ground and panting and more shocked to be alove to worry about anything else.

The person disappears anyway and doesn't reappear until Amy is exploring the munchkin village and Star wanders off, finding it and interrupting it as it tags a munchkin house with paint, as in a paint can and brush, because old fashioned stuff in Oz.

Star gets onto its shoe and squeaks up at it, something Amy sees and tries to call Star back for. The person drops to a knee and lets Star crawl into its hand and up its sleeve and shoulder, even letting her inspect the mask it's wearing. It chuckles at her and carefully pets her, scratching under her chin and even rubbing her little rat belly. No longer seeing a threat, Star alerts Amy and the figure approaches her to return Star.

Amy thanks it with no response and before the person leaves, Amy asks who it is, what it is, and why it's following her, but it leaves, leaving behind another illusion.

Pete doesn't ask Mombi for help, but she is the one who saves Amy and gets her out.

This should've been obvious, but the mystery person in the mask is Nox, who I'm giving a small redesign: he has a scare on his face, claw marks down his forehead and cheek, and he isn’t a full blown beef cake. Granted, he is muscular, but he's also very lithe like an acrobat. It's not too easy for Amy to tell he's a boy, because of his frame and the knowledge that girls can sometimes have short hair, but hearing him talk confirms that he's a boy. He also looks tired and angry, not just angry.

When Nox notices Star is missing, he asks Amy where she went, very concerned. She reveals to giving her to Pete to look after, and he's calmed, just a little bit, and admots thay she made a good choice.

Nox is more open about being against training Amy. If you've seen James Cameron's Avatar and saw the scene with Neytiri having to teach Jake, that's basically his reaction, as he has his hands full already.

A majority of the training is the same, but when Amy figures out he's been following her, she asks him why he did it and if the Order brought her to Oz. He denies the latter, but admits that he'd never seen her before and got suspicious. We also learn about his psychic ability when he starts copying and mimicking Amy's movements.

The witches all have high expectations, but Gert is the most firgiving. Glamora has little success at first because she remonds Amy of her mom, but as she improves, Mombi steps in to test her and see her pass with increasingly flying colors.

Nox is more reserved at first, but the reader should get a good idea that he wants to have someone to lean on, something hinted at when he takes Amy to the top of Mount Gilikin and holds onto her hand for a moment, unable to let go.

We learn about the Wingless monkeys early on and it's revealed that the Order only has one alliance and that's really it, as they've lost contact with Polychrome.

Nox is more frantic when he sees Melindra ans Annabel have return almost half dead. Even after they've healed, he's shaken to the point he can't talk, and this is for reason we do not know yet.

We see Holly and Larkin along with Melindra and Annabel, make the Order feel more lived in.

As Amy improves in combat, the others get more edgy, leading up to Larkin telling her she'll end up like Lanadel, if she's not careful. It makes Melindra stop and stand still for a moment, solemn, but Nox grabs a fake weapon and throws it at Larkin, snapping at him to keep his mouth shut.

One night Amy wanders around and finds Nox chasing and being chased by something, so she follows him, though she sees it's more that fake, funny running away you do with pets. Turns out he's runnign from a duckling, though it's an Oz-ified duckling. Nox lets the little critter run into his hands and Amy sees him smile, a genuine, real smile that she's never seen before. He teleports out to let the duck back out and returns behind Amy, asking her what she's doing.

When the lion catches Nox and starts to take his fear, Amy races toward him to save him, but is stopped by Gert, who saves them both.

When Gert 'dies,' she doesn't really die. She more fades away in a cloud of butterflies, leaving nothing behind for anyone to find. The group still thinks she's dead, and it hits Nox HARD, to the point where he holds onto Amy's hand. When she goes to hug him, he lets go and backs away, saying, "Don't," as he starts to break down, teleporting out before anything happens.

The mission remains the same, but the farewells are different: Nox hugs Amy rather than kisses her, Larkin wishes her luck, Holly tells her not to die, Anabell doesn't talk to her, and Melindra tells her to stab Dorothy in the eyes for her; she's not upset with the upgrade she got, she just misses having to fly functional eyes.

So something that will be built on later: When Amy sees Dorothy in the palace, she sees her trying to do ger own thing, but is 'persuaded' into doing what Glinda wants. This may be in the original, but it's more prominent, even a little revealed when Glinda actually puts a spell on Dorothy to get her to listen to her better.

Jellia talks to her mirror, but brushes it off as her reflection when Amy sees her.

Pete reveals that he actually talked to Nox, who told Mombi, who rescued Amy, and he knows Nox because the two were raised together. While Nox was learning how to fight, Pete was more or less the kid that came around and stayed with Mombi until Ozma returned. The two don't call each other brothers, per se, but they're more than friends.

Nox is more upset when Jellia dies and is shown to be very cunfused about his feelings. As in he's mad at Amy, grieving his friend, stressed about the mission, scared for Amy's life, and much more to the point where he doesn't know how to process all of the emotions; being raised with the attitude of fight or die, that leaves to time for him to learn all that jazz.

In the ending fight with Dorothy, Dorothy shouts that Amy can't have her shoes and she's not going home, which confuses Amy, but the Tin man comes to play.

Amy and Dorothy still fall, but Nox actually jumps after them both. When Dorothy's magic returns, so does Amy's and Nox's. Nox catches Amy and magics a cushion of flowers, which makes them land harmlessly.

When he sees Pete, the two share an awkward yet warm greeting before he tells Pete and Amy to get away from the Emerald Palace, that he'll catchbup to them later before returning to the fight.

Set up of the Wingless pays off when Olly and Maude take Pete and Amy to the Wizard who gives Amy the bag and the instructions of taking the heart, brain, and courage from Dorothy's friends.

That wouldn't be in the synopsis either.

The books ends with Amy getting the Tin man's heart and flying away with Ozma, who is Pete, and hoping everyone will be alive and promising to kill Dorothy and Glinda

#dorothy must die #amy gumm #nox #nox x amy #how to fix #technically not a rewrite #'long post'#anything not touched upon stays the same

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weirdthoughtsandideas · 4 years ago

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How I would rewrite Violetta

TL;DR: Less lies, still a lot of drama. Also everyone is bisexual, because I say so.

~Season 1~

Okay the biggest thing here is that Germán knows she goes to the studio already from the beginning

He also knows Angie is her aunt - however, Violetta doesn’t know.

When Angie appears, Germán recognizes her. Of course he does, he should’ve known his dead wife’s family?

Angie BEGS him not to take Vilu away from her again. Germán agrees, but tells her not to tell Vilu about it. Instead, she should just be her governess until Violetta “is ready” (or, really when Germán is ready)

Angie says she still works at the studio and so when Vilu hears about it, she really wants to apply. Germán is hesitant, but he also wants her to be happy. His one condition though, is for her to not participate in any large events (oop)

Not much changes for Jade and Matias - except that they desperately try to find out whatever Angie is hiding (Ramallo and Olga tries to find out, too)

Okay, now for the love!!

Honestly? The love triangle with Leon and Tomas stays mostly the same. I’ll deal a bit more with the love stuff in further seasons

Also, it’s the first season, too. If they are acting a little immature and don’t trust each other, they’ll just grow and learn.

Ok I recently rewatched the episode where Violetta like... writes “amiga” in her diary as she looks dreamingly at Francesca? Like girl did you get a crush on her?? I know you wrote “friend” but your look says more.

Ok probably not but IT’S MY REWRITE and now I decide Vilu and Fran have a small crush on each other. It doesn’t lead to anything (yet), but it’s there and the only one who really seems to notice is Camila

Or, well. She knows her friends have crushes on others but she’s also like “Heh, i’m gonna go, you two can continue to talk if you like”

The big DRAMA is of course, when Violetta joins the youmix competition

Her dad already had a grudge for her singing in the theatre, but now she just has to really hide this

Which is harder when she like. Shares a house with Federico, who’s getting a lot of fans that wants to follow him home. So when they see her, they be like “OH MY GOD THEY ARE ROOMATES” and so Vilu’s fans are there too and she panicks because her dad cannot know

Vilu’s biggest comfort object is her diary, she carries it everywhere in canon (like, even in later seasons when she’s famous she always has it around). In my rewrite, not much changes, except for the fact that Ludmila constantly tries to steal it to destroy her. So anyway, Violetta decides to get a lock with a number combination to open it (as she figures if she has a key she can lose it). Her combination changes a lot. It’s most often two or three letters of a person she likes. Examples are 12-22 (LV, Leon Vargas), or 6-18-1 (FRA, Francesca). One time she even put 12-21 (LU, Ludmila) just to trick Ludmila, as Ludmi never would think Vilu would put her name there.

Violetta finds out Angie is her aunt by overhearing a conversation between her and Pablo. Though, they solve it rather quickly and then get even closer, just like in canon.

In the end, they don’t move away, but Germán does not let her participate in the final show as she’s kind of grounded after he found out she was in youmix and all that

But then he lets her. All is good. Tomas goes to Spain, Violetta is like “I don’t wanna date anyone”

BUT as Tomas goes to Spain she gives Leon a little smirk as if to say “we’ll see what I say about that though, after the break ;)”

The last thing I wanna say about season 1 is that we all know Andrés is canonically a disaster bisexual (come on, think about it) and I just want to embrace that more

~Season 2~

PEOPLE RIGHT AWAY COMMENT ABOUT VILU’S HAIR BECAUSE WE JUST CAN’T LET IT GO UNNOTICED

I know how it’s gonna go for Fran and Diego, so i’ll let them have some little nice scenes in a buildup for s3 (as most of their scenes this season was just “I don’t trust you, Diego”, “Francesca, let me explain”, “No fuck you”)

Honestly I want Ludmila to be a LITTLE nicer this season so she has no pact with Diego

Instead, Ludmila just talks shit about Violetta to him and he’s like “but she’s cute?”

So Diego literally flirts with Vilu to show Ludmila she’s not bad and Ludmila is like “wtf why are you embarrasing yourself”

There’s not a lot of that “Leon you have to trust me” bullshit that Leonetta has. They DO trust each other and honestly they just bond over their shared annoyance with Diego

(But secretly, BOTH of them kinda feel attracted to him)

(Very fun fact one of the first edits I ever saw was one where they shipped Diego and Leon and 12yo me was like “oh wow this kinda makes sense??” and rewatching the show I realised the TENSION™ they had)

Ok. 2x20. The scene I think y’all know i’m reffering to actually caused a series of events to happen later in the season in canon. If Diego had not kissed Violetta, she and Leon wouldn’t have broken up (atleast not that time), German wouldn’t have started to spy on Violetta after feeling like he had to protect her, which would’ve caused Angie to find out and feeling like she couldn’t take it any longer and move to Paris and Violetta and German to start arguing for like 15 episodes because of lies. ALL THAT HAPPENED, originally because of Diego kissing Violetta. I’m not saying it was entirely his fault, but. I’m just- hdsoksyhufshua okay I think it’s just my inner 11yo still bitter about what happened

BUT THIS IS MY REWRITE AND WE’LL SEE WHAT HAPPENS IF DIEGO DIDN’T KISS HER AGAINST HER WILL IN 2x20

The show goes as planned. They fake kiss as they planned to. Everyone is happy for a while. Though, on cameras it looks like a real kiss, so the fans are like. Asking if Violetta and Diego are dating. Diego does not deny this.

Leon and Violetta do break up, because we need drama. Though, it’s more like a mutual agreement rather than an argument. It just became too much for them to handle when Violetta got a contract with youmix, Leon and his motorcross and Diego hovering over them all the time. They needed a break.

Diego and Violetta do get together, but they kinda do like in canon: She is annoyed with him until she finally just gives up and accepts his love.

Germán does not spy on Violetta, but he does consider reading her diary (he doesn’t)

Jade and Matias are no longer relevant. They do make cameos sometimes, but Esmeralda doesn’t know them. Even the viewer believes she’s nice. We only get some small hints of something being off - like Ambar saying “be nice to them” and Esmeralda sometimes giving people strange looks. But then comes the wedding day - that’s when SUDDENLY, the cops arrive! They explain everything - they have been after her for a long time and they recently found out she was gonna marry German for his money and then take it all and flee the country. Drama on top and it’ll be a real classic soap opera betrayal

Angie leaves to France as she just... got an opportunity to work there and she says yes

Camila spends this season dating a bunch of different boys, right? I think this is the perfect place to be a little inclusive and let her be the bi flower queen she is and let her date some girls too. Like switch Seba’s gender or something, not much will change.

THE MADRID STORYLINE. I LOVED THE DYNAMICS IN CANON BUT IN THIS IT WOULD BE EVEN BETTER AND MORE DRAMATIC.

Fran and Vilu already had something going on after the whole ”Francesca almost going back to Italy” storyline and they get even closer as they get lost in Madrid. They were already close, but as they argue for being lost, something just... happens.

Actually the same thing happens with Leon and Diego.

What exactly happens? They almost kiss. They do not kiss, but it’s like it almost happens. They just... get very close and stare at each other before realising. They react differently to this

Francesca and Violetta at first get awkward. They are like “oh- okay.” and then become silent for the rest of the day. It’s not until they are alone in their hotel room that Vilu is like “...what happened today?” and Francesca is like “What are you talking about? I don’t know? Goodnight!!”

Leon and Diego refuse to mention it. They are annoyed as it is. But they do think about it

Yes, I did get this idea after I rewatched ep75 and Leon was like “we were late because this dude didn’t stop fixing his hair” and I was like “DRHSKEHJYU I’M-”

The most heartfelt scene in canon is when Violetta finds out about Diego and Ludmila’s pact, goes out on stage crying and Leon saves her. Like, Leonetta wasn’t the most stable couple but him saving her when she was so distressed... that’s love, dammit!! And I would love to include it somehow.

But: I can’t really find a reason for her to be so upset she can’t sing. So she does sing, that goes well. But as she does, Diego, Fran and Leon argue. Leon is convinced Diego isn’t actually in love with Vilu, Diego is just out for fights and Francesca is like “i’m on Leons side but stop arguing also I think I like Vilu too but that’s beside the point right now I guess?”

She sings “Te Creo” as she was going to, and they like. Do the opposite of what she sings. Or, the complete right thing to what she sings. It’s unclear.

Anyways as she finishes, all of them has to go out on stage to thank the audience and Violetta is like “dafuq is wrong with all of you”

As she tries to help them, Diego says something out of anger that hurts her. Maybe a “I don’t think I really love you” or something maybe a little more hurtful than that. She gets teared up, breaks up with him and run away

Francesca says “You know, I was actually beginning to like you, and now this”, which makes him feel oddly hurt. He doesn’t really know why, yet.

Fran and Leon run after Vilu. There’s the leonetta comfort hug scene ™ there, but also a comfort scene with Fran when they are in their room and she just takes Vilu’s hand while they stare at each other.

Marco is here. Uh. Tbh I don’t know what to do with him?? Because he like. Vanishes to London in s3 canon so Fran can be with Diego so idk man.

He doesn’t send her like a million flowers in Madrid or visits, but he does call and miss her. Marco was a sweet boyfriend for her, really. Though, he kinda was just. Nice. Nothing more. Their relationship didn’t evolve a lot?

Though after the random almost-kissing Vilu incident that Francesca doesn’t want to talk about, she kinda grows closer to Marco again.

Back in Buenos Aires, Violetta doesn’t really have an argument with German as he didn’t spy on her in this, so she simply has trouble writing Soy mi mejor momento until German is like “Violetta that’s your mothers poem-” and they have a little father-daughter bonding over finishing it

She is however not really ready to just go back to Leon after recently breaking up with Diego and so she has that “why does no one ask me what I want” scene like she did in ep76.

But then Leon sings Nuestro Camino and she’s like “I DREAMED THAT WE SANG THAT TOGETHER WTF” and he’s like “OMG SAME??” and they bond over the fact that they are soulmates who share dreams or smth, and so they get back together

Diego and Leon do not speak of Madrid, but they do this very manly but also tension filled handshake as if they “accept” each other.

Francesca and Vilu also doesn’t really speak of the fact that they had a little moment in Madrid either, but they do share some smiles and Camila is like “did something happen??”

Leonetta is a couple again. The New Years show is a hit and that means youmix will let them do a world tour (I literally realised NOW, that the reason they are on tour in season 3 is because of the last show in s2, they mentioned in some passing scene some episodes before about it being a world tour)

Oh also Ludmila and Federico have basically the same kind of romance they had in canon, same with Naty and Maxi (Naty and Maxi’s kiss where Maxi had to switch his cap around was so cute uWu)

Oh and also Gregorio and Diego? Same as canon. That shit was emotional.

Lara, I forgot about Lara... uuuh. She’s just a mechanic. She disappears after s2 anyway so

~Season 3~

Honestly s3 was kind of a fanfiction already when you think about it??? So in this rewrite I guess I could just GO OFF with everything :D

Hmmm yeah Priscilla is still a fucking psychopath but she will suffer even more god I hate that woman HOW CAN YOU PUSH A CHILD DOWN SOME STAIRS AND FORCE YOUR DAUGHTER TO HURT PEOPLE-

Everything is well with all couples but being on tour and hanging out so much all the time, they get a little... cramped. So they easily get grumpy and yell at each other

Leon and Violetta knows this, and so they don’t get mad at each other when the other one is upset. They understand. So as Violetta gets her birthday wish, she doesn’t really complain at all. Sure, she does get a little scared when they fly off, but she’s honestly just happy to spend some ✨alone time ✨with her soulmate and lowkey wishes no one would find them

All the couples break up and Leonetta is like “nah it will not happen to us UwU” and then it just. Gets to them too. They just simply have to be apart before they hate each other. Their breakup happens around the same time as canon.

It felt kind of ooc for Violetta to dress up as another person to spy on Leon but it was still kinda funny. So Roxy will stay, we’ll just change it a bit

She doesn’t create Roxy to spy on Leon, but because of Francesca. Fran is getting confused with Marco leaving and now she’s starting to get feelings for Diego... a part of her just wants to disappear and think about something else. So Violetta is like “What if we dress up and go out” and they do, and fool everyone

And so... when boys they know start to flirt with them, they just panic and say they’re not single. But they can’t make up fake boyfriends so they say they are dating each other.

Which makes Andrés interested - he’s like “wow two girls can date that’s cool”. Camila is also interested, she’s like “WOW ALL MY FRIENDS ARE STRAIGHT I CAN BOND WITH YOU OVER BEING NOT STRAIGHT”

Anyway it’s hard to keep it together when Camila is talking about Vilu and Fran - to Vilu and Fran, in disguise.

Hmmmm ok I literally almost forgot about Gery and Clement lol?? Tbh, of all the “lover rivals” they are the weakest this far. Leon and Vilu didn’t even feel that attracted to them anyway.

Gery is not straight in the slightest? Like girl that haircut and the HALF SHAVED EYEBROW like please. She’s pansexual, i’ve decided. She has a crush on both Leon and Violetta, but she does not really know how to handle that. So she never does. She talks about it with Clement, though and the two of them bond over being nervous messes who can’t talk to their crushes

There’s no Alex, tbh. Clement is just Clement. His dad lets him attend the studio but he’s also like “ugh I wanna support your dreams but you could take economy classes on the side??”

They are not out for breaking Leonetta apart because I for once just want ONE season when there’s no one else Leonetta wants to be with. They just want to be with each other and the whole season is them just kinda... figuring stuff out before getting back together.

Also Fran and Vilu have this thing going on now when they pretend to be a couple as they are dressed up as other people and they have to handle that

The plan was for them to only really dress up once but now their friends wants to get to know Roxy and Fausta and they just have to continue it

Camila is the first one to find out and her reaction is “I always knew you two had a thing for each other but this is just strange, why can’t you date as yourselves?”

To which Vilu and Fran as a response just shut down, not knowing at all how they feel about anything anymore.

Camila notices they seem to not wanting to talk about it, so she decides to make up a plan to make them talk. Though, it solves itself when Vilu and Fran get locked inside a closet at the studio (because of course they do)

In there they talk about what happened in Madrid last year, when they almost kissed. They are unsure what that meant. They admit that it was thrilling to pretend to be a couple, when they were Roxy and Fausta. But the thought of dating as Vilu and Fran... it feels strange. Especially because of all the stuff with Diego and Leon.

But they do decide to try to kiss, just to see - and as soon as their lips touch, someone opens the closet. It’s Diego and Leon. They are kinda shocked.

The girls explain the situation and Leon is like “You know what we almost kissed in Madrid too wtf”

They also reveal they are Roxy and Fausta and Leon is kinda embarrased because he got a crush on Roxy

The girls discussed how it was kissing - they liked it, but... they don’t know. Because they also feel kind of a strong connection to Diego and Leon respectively

So they like... make a promise. If it doesn’t work out with the boys, they’ll date each other.

But they end up with the boys... atleast for now, heh.

The whole “Leonetta will only be friends” plot is still here just because I love it so damn much they are such dorks they literally think they can stay friends lol

So yeah Gery and Clement start dating and they are basically as cute as Naxi. Honestly since I removed the whole “ruin leonetta” plot they have little purpose - so that’s why I made them crush on Leonetta on a distance and never do anything. We need some people to relate to, some people just never confesses and just go around crushing on people without telling lol

German proposes to Angie and Leon kinda plans to propose to Violetta. Not yet, since they’re like 19 (they aren’t finchel lol), but he has plans.

“Ok thanks future father in law” was a top 10 iconic Leon moment and I just wanted to include it

It ends kind of like canon.

Ok! I just wrote most of this spontaneously. Maybe it wouldn’t be that good, really i’m just brainstorming. This show was everything to me when I was a preteen even though I realise it was probably not good (I lost a bit of interest in season 3, idk that season was a little more off to me)

I probably forgot a lot, since there were like a million plots, but this was just for fun so yeah don’t take it super seriously. Also thank you if you made it this far.

#did I write a post about how I would rewrite a show that hasn't been relevant for like 5 years?#and also only really popular in latin america and europe so less people talk about it since the internet is so america centric?#yes #yes I did #violetta #violetta 2 #violetta 3 #violetta castillo #diesca #leonetta #leon vargas #Francesca caviglia #diego hernandez

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riathedreamer · 4 years ago

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Sorry for the essay I'm about to submit. I haven't watched any rvb0 yet, but I think the change in direction may be for a few reasons; 1- buying time so they can figure out what to do with the OG RVB cast without rehashing the same stuff, doing justice to their characters AND appeasing the fans who demand a Red based season (am one such fan).

[continuation of ask] 2- To attract new fans into the series. Ye Olde RVB jokes and running gags were considered typical, if not an accepted form of comedy for it's time. Whilst some people will be able to see it as a product of it's time, those jokes definitely will hit wrong with a younger audience now, and We've had the opportunity to grow and change ourselves and our opinions alongside the show. The action heavy stuff has a broader, if not safer appeal, so bringing in new fans will be easier. I miss the dumb idiots playing in a box canyon, and I agree that rvb shouldn't be driven by action. A bunch of idiots with guns and fuck all else to do is the very basis of the show, but those idiots have outgrown their sandbox and the writers seem to be reaching the end of their idea rope on giving them shit to do. Don't be scared to express your opinion here either, you are definitely far more polite about it than some others I've seen. [end ask]

It’s pretty funny to receive this ask today, because literally spent hours preparing a review of Zero today. A review I of course won’t post until after the entire season is out, because I cannot judge anything before that, and I will of course revise due to this and so much of it still needs to be written, but there are main problems I could address already now, or at least prepare a draft for. So pardon me that I copy paste part of the review here, I just like some of the points I made, and then I don’t get to rewrite thoughts I’ve already had.

It makes sense to have more time to prepare for a quality season. I do not know if that’s the case. I hope it is. I get wanting new viewers, but I feel like this doesn’t necessarily means *more* viewers because people interested in the new season are literally being told they don’t have to watch the previous seasons, while fans who prefer the old style of RvB are being told this season is not for them. So if the Reds and Blues ever return, the people interested in Zero are gonna be so confused, I suppose. Urgh. No reason speculating about that until we know. As for the old humor – yeah, I get that, but I feel like there’s starting to be a great divide between “RvB” and “Zero” and that worries me. So if it’s just to make time for planning a season with Reds and Blues, I keep asking if Zero is necessary.

I would feel way better about Zero is it just presented itself as a spin-off, but for some reason, they cling to it not being a spin-off. This confuses me to no end, and so many of the issues would be solved by officially stating this divide from canon material. My main problem with Zero right now is this: [taken from the unfinished, unrevised review] “Zero forces its story into existence by ignoring established content rather than adjusting to it. Let’s call this for the hotdog-too-big-for-the-bun syndrome solely for the sake of the bow-chicka-bow-wow that’s coming now. Bow-chicka-bow-wow.” With this I mean like this story forces its way to exist at the cost of canon content. Examples of this being the sudden new inclusion of AOD which we’ve never heard about before, that sorta takes the place of UNSC, but is so big, but we’ve never heard about it? Another being how the very first lines erase the consequences of the previous season by fixing Wash’s brain damage. It’s literally ignoring established plot with quick-fixes so this new story can work. Another example how I feel like Wash and Carolina are just there for the sake for the new characters. I don’t dig how they’re written, it feels like they are just props the new characters use to build their own story. Carolina’s used to basically introduce and explain the new characters instead of letting them explain themselves, and Wash is just a damsel in distress, holy shit Wash, RvB is never kind to you huh. I just feel like the existing RvB is twisted into something else or ignored, so that this story can exist, and I am left feeling: why?

It’s obvious they wanted something *new* which leads me to another issue for me: [taken from the unfinished, unrevised review] “remember the philosophical question: if you replace all the parts of a ship one-by-one, is it still the same ship when you’re done?” If it doesn’t include the Reds and Blues, if it ignores previous plot, if the old characters feel miswritten, if it values animation over dialogue, if it values fight scenes over comedy, if it wants to be Fast and Furious instead of Red vs. Blue – is it still Red vs. Blue? Because it doesn’t feel like it for me.

As I said earlier, some of this could be forgiven if it established itself as a spin-off, but it won’t despite fighting against the original characters and material. At least, that’s how it feels like to me. We’ve had spin-offs before. With new characters and stories.

Some people say that RvB should end. I can’t comment on that. Some say the Reds and Blues have run out of things to do. That I disagree with. [taken from the unfinished, unrevised review] “I mean, if we were discussing pretty much any other show, I’d probably agree that they were running of out content. But for the Reds and Blues… I think the PSAs nailed it this year! I’m not kidding, I had more fun watching the Reds and Blues discuss how to do laundry than Zero. You could literally give me an hour of the Reds and Blues trying to bake a cake or clear a gutter or simply setting down with an ordinary life, and I would trust them to make it worth the watch.”

I’m not saying Zero can’t be enjoyed. I’m not trying to spoil anyone’s fun. But for me, there are some obvious problems that I simply can’t come to terms with, and I will post my opinion, of course always trying to stay civil. I’m glad you enjoy my thoughts (so far, at least. I hope I haven’t pissed anyone off with this), and as always: I can only speak for myself.

#rvb #rvb0 #rvb zero #rvb critical #rvb0 critical #pls dont hate me for this #ill of course elaborate more in my review #which of course isnt finished until the show #cant judge anything properly until then #my rvb stuff #can be reblogged #why do i feel so scared posting my thoughts on zero

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a-second-chance-su-au · 4 years ago

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Where is the comic? (Story progress, please read at least the last bit)

Hey guys, Mod Dimonds here! This is both an apology and an explination, and I’ll try to keep it short, but this is where I’m at at the moment so. (If you want to read the “important” part, go find the bold and read from there.)

First of all, no, the comic is NOT on hiatus. And I do have time to work on it irl. The reason I haven’t been working on it is because of the script. I realized that in this scene we’re at right now, I was missing an important piece of information. So- like the idiot that I am- the one time I delete everything I have and start over is the time I happen to get stuck. I cannot progress because I can’t figure out the dialogue.

The problem really is that this conversation establishes a bunch of info for you, the audience, and also provides a bit of context of Pink/Rose’s decision to get Spinel in the first place. So it’s a really important scene. And I think that’s the issue. I cannot write it well. I keep getting off-track, or skipping over stuff. The one time I wrote all the info in there, BOTH Pearl and Rose were out of character. It’s a mess, and I’ve been struggling with rewriting it for at least two weeks now. I need to get it right, and I think I’ve figured out how, but now writer’s block is a thing I have to deal with, too. But I won’t stop until I get this scene right. Then it’s back to drawing IMMEDIETLY afterwards!

I’m sorry I haven’t been able to work on the comic. I hope to get back to it soon!

Second, I have to retcon something I said earlier, about Spinel’s backstory being 7 parts. And it is! However, I don’t want to show the whole thing. I want her story to unfold naturally and organically in the “show,” meaning that as soon as this scene is over, I will be working on SU the show, starting with Bubble Buddies and going from there! The entire timeline is complete (for the original series) unless I decide to throw in a few new episodes to fit the Season 1 aesthetic or change up a few things, so we don’t need to worry about that. The artstyle will be very SU, meaning no shading on the characters (usually), but very nice backgrounds. I am really excited to get working on it, but I feel that I need to finish this scene first.

And that’s what I want to ask y’all. Would you rather just shelve her backstory for right now while I figure out how to write it, and allow the show to start “playing”? Or would you rather wait until I get this figured out? It’s going to affect the flow of the Archive, that’s for sure, but I don’t think that’s a huge problem? Maybe an inconvenience, but everything has links ‘n stuff. I don’t know.

Either ask, DM me, or reply in the notes here on your preferance. I will be less likely to listen to anons tho, since I have no way of knowing if it was the same person twice, but everyone will be taken into account on the choice.

Now to the apology: I’m sorry I didn’t come out about this earlier. No one has been asking where the comic is, but I still feel guilty about it. I said I had it scripted, and then literally 1/2 days later, I deleted what I had and started over, then couldn’t fix it. Whoops. But that’s on me, and I apologize.

I want to give this story the depth that canon SU does for itself, and as of right now, I think I have a good rough draft to do that. But I still want to take my time and really analyze what I have and search for those places where I can do better, or things don’t add up. And I think that’s one of the reasons I can’t do this scene well. I just have to take it slowly. We’ll see.

Anyways. Thank you for reading and understanding.

#help!#dimond speaks #update #this is 100% a me problem and I understand that. I just felt guilty for not explaining myself before now.#So here. Have this.#I think a lot of the episodes will change as I write #or more will be added.#that’s the nature of writing #like with Kyanite’s whole thing #the way I have it right now might be COMPLETELY different to how I actually present it as an episode #everything can change unless it’s already in the comic #that’s all fact #okay #thank you for reading and understanding

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incomprehensiblelentils · 4 years ago

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@dollsome-does-tumblr does this and opened it up to anyone and I am feeling chatty today SO!

Because I co-write a lot with my lovely wife, I might answer some questions including those co-written stories, or I might not, depends on how I feel when I get there.

name:

Megan but I go by Lentils most places on the internet, Shadowcrawler over on AO3

fandoms:

at the moment: MCU, especially Agents of SHIELD and Daredevil; Terminator: Dark Fate; Halt and Catch Fire. Oh and I wrote Dollhouse fanfics a thousand years ago. Sometimes I will watch a movie/show and think “those two girls should be gay” and bang out 2k of fic about it and then never write for that fandom again. (I THOUGHT this was going to be HACF but as it turns out, no, it’s not done with me yet.)

where you post:

AO3, at Shadowcrawler. I also have a tumblr @lentils-writes where theoretically I post links to fics/advertise them in the tags, because I used to be real precious about not putting porn on this blog, but fuck it.

most popular multi-chapter fic:

Co-written, it’s definitely mallverse, which is I think the reason most writers definitely hate us because it’s very long and there are a lot of tags lmao. The problem is that every tagged character HAS shown up in a significant fashion at some point so we can’t just...untag them! It doesn’t update weekly anymore because we’re exhausted by life lmao so at least there’s that???

As for a multi-chapter fic that was just me, I don’t tend to do that so much, so actually it’s say you will, my 3-chapter Endgame fix-it where Clint dies instead of Natasha and Natasha and Laura have a past. It actually has over 1000 hits which is very exciting! I feel like it’s...niche in a way that is frustrating but understandable lol. I put a lot of my heart into it and some people really liked it, so that’s gratifying.

favorite story you’ve written so far:

Co-written, I think our SHIELD Dollhouse AU is very underrated for the amount of work we put into it. Author bias evident here because I love Dollhouse warts and all, and it’s a lot of fun translating episode plots as well as the general trajectory of the show into stuff that will work with SHIELD characters. We don’t just rewrite episodes, we really try and rework them as needed. Also it features both Skimmons and my beloved rarepair Bobbi/Kara, though of course they won’t get together until later.

Of my own stuff, I’m still really really proud of the AU where Kara Palamas didn’t die. I think that was a pretty severe misstep of the show and I think I did a good job of fixing it. (I haven’t forgotten Kara, promise!)

fic you were nervous to post:

lolololol I wrote some uh. Terminator pornography last year and. They are very porny! I had co-written a bunch of smut obviously, but that was the first time I’d posted like, PWP all by myself on purpose??? and that was TERRIFYING. Also I was very nervous to post the Engame fix-it because that was my own personal goodbye/tribute to Natasha.

how you choose your titles:

They are always either song lyrics or jokes (such as Three Lawyers and a Baby, my Daredevil Accidental Baby Acquisition fic). My WIP docs are always titled either obvious shit like “RoseJannah horse girls” or memes like “what if we belonged to a fire cult and we fucked haha just kidding unless...?” or “Morgan has two mommies.”

do you outline?:

B and I typically outline for the co-written fics, although it’s more often chapter-by-chapter outlines since that’s how we write them. On occasion we’ve fully planned multi-chapter stuff out in advance but that’s less common. Oh and the one-shots are nearly always outlined as well, just to keep ourselves organized.

When I have written planned multi-chapter fics in the past I have used outlines - particularly for the Kara one and I had to do that for the SHIELD Kill Bill AU because I was trying to follow the format of the movie. For things that are allegedly supposed to be one-shots I almost never outline, which turns out to be a terrible idea when they inevitably balloon beyond my control and become 45k like say you will. That one, I wrote out a list of scenes I thought needed to be in it and then I wrote about 75% of those scenes and then I wrote a bunch more scenes I hadn’t planned for. Don’t be like me, kids!

complete fics:

According to AO3, 89 as of right now. Uh, you do not want me to list all of them, here’s a link, I guess!

in progress:

I don’t understand what the difference is between this question and the WIP questions lmao help????

posted WIPs that I have active plans to continue at this time:

Cowritten: mallverse as I said, and its femslash smut oneshots spinoff and character flashbacks spinoff and older characters/teachers spinoff (these get updated, uh, irregularly), the first half of a Piper/Snowflake SHIELD s7 fic that we are planning on finishing the second half of soonish, SHIELD Dollhouse AU, SHIELD Teen Beach AU, SHIELD Buffy AU. You may notice a pattern!

By myself, I have: Have Your Elf a Merry Little Christmas, a Terminator Hallmark Christmas fic that I ambitiously posted the first chapter of in 2019 and then lost steam immediately (I am going to go back to it sooner or later bc I had some cute ideas for it); the SHIELD Fate of the Furious AU that has one chapter to go and which I do intend on finishing eventually; Three Lawyers and a Little Lady, the Daredevil Accidentally Baby Acquisition AU that is literally just cute kidfic and poly avocados and which I have a bunch of ideas for and just need to buckle down and finish some.

posted WIPs that I have given up on:

Lol so there’s a Dollhouse Caroline/Bennett Doctor Who AU that I wrote purely as idfic and which nobody ever cared about except me, and I think that ship has sailed! RIP darlings. I also had an ongoing Skimmons series waaaay back when where I posted oneshots that were like missing scenes or gay readings for each s1 episode, and I just feel like it would be inauthentic to even try and finish it at this point. (It does include the first ever Skimmons fic to be posted on AO3! Really truly, there’s one fic that shows up as older but it’s an ongoing fic and was updated with the tag way after I posted mine.)

exchange fics due soon/unrevealed:

I haven’t done an exchange since like 2015 lololol I am so bad at them. I am currently working on finishing up my MCU Femslash bingo card, very late, and I do have plans for almost all of the remaining squares!

WIPs that live in my fanfic folder and are incomplete and who knows when they’ll be finished:

“RoseJannah horse girls,” which has been put on hold temporarily but is literally just Rose and Jannah being gay while riding orbaks

half of a Daisy/Gwen fic from Marvel Rising because I know they’re not making any more of those but I stg those two were really gay

multiple fics about Elise Nelson-Page including: avocados Halloween with smol Elise, Aunt Elektra very reluctantly taking smol Elise shopping until she realizes smol Elise also likes weapons (she buys her a fake katana), Uncle Frank is a pushover and spoils the shit out of Elise, and baby Elise has a high fever and everyone freaks out but then she gets better and smile at them for the first time (inspired by baby me lol).

coming soon/not yet started:

“Morgan has two mommies,” yet another Endgame fix-it where Maya Hansen did not die in Iron Man 3 and she resurfaces and she and Pepper kiss and eventually she adopts Morgan

Claire and Colleen go on a nice date to get coffee/tea where Danny doesn’t interrupt them goddammit

Bobbi/Kara Warehouse 13 AU which is sort of like “For the Team” but gayer ft. grappling hook

X-Men: Evolution Tabby/Amara fluff

Cameron/Donna character study disguised as smut

Grace proposes to Dani with a ring made out of the metal from her power source and Carl officiates the wedding

Dani gets horny watching Grace eat a peach and jerks off and Grace ends up hearing her and then they fuck (I have been calling this “the peach fic” in my head but I gotta stop being delicate about it lmfao it is just porn)

B and I have plans to do a Nico/Karolina Jasper in Deadland AU but we keep forgetting

I MUST WRITE FOGGY AND KAREN SADLY FUCKING IN A CHURCH WHILE THEY MOURN MATT THIS YEAR I STG

do you accept prompts:

uhhhhhh I have on occasion written a prompt for someone before but it’s pretty rare and I have enough trouble writing the shit I come up with in my own head lol. but never say never?

upcoming story you are most excited to write:

I’ve got a bit of the Bobbi/Kara Warehouse fic written and it’s nice to go back to that world. Also I’m weirdly excited about the Cam/Donna smutty character study I mentioned above, I have a lot of what I think are good ideas for it and it’ll be fun.

tagging @unwind-myself @swiftzeldas @swashbucklery @loved-the-stars-too-fondly and, if you want to, you!

#sometimes I write things

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zen3to5 · 4 years ago

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J/H 7-20: Gimme Shelter

I've said all along that this rewrite is only concerned with the Jackie/Hyde material, especially for everything post-Season 5. That's going to be relaxed from here on out; with Season 7 serving as the series finale in this timeline, there are more adjustments to be made, and they start here with changes to how Eric arrives at his teaching career. But there's Zen here too, as the mess that was Jackie's graduation party gets replaced with something else...

(We assume that 7x18 and 7x19 play out as we know them from the show in this timeline.)

FF.Net AO3

***

SHOW TITLE MUSIC NOTE: “Oh Well” by the Rockets. INT. FORMAN BASEMENT - NIGHT The gang hanging out. HYDE and FEZ rummage through the deep freeze, JACKIE writes in a notebook in Hyde’s chair, ERIC and DONNA share the couch, and KELSO sits in the lawn chair. Jackie finishes off her writing with a firm dotting of a period and sets her pencil and paper down. JACKIE: And – done! That’s my last high school assignment. I’m all set for graduation this Friday. ERIC: I can’t believe I graduated a year ago. It’s like, I feel like I’ve done nothing. Man, time really flies when you take two naps a day. DONNA: Well, I wouldn’t say you’ve done nothing. I mean, you’ve... wow, you’ve really sat on your ass. Hyde and Fez emerge from the deep freeze, popsicles in hand. HYDE: Yup, Forman, we’ve all passed you by. I’m running a record store, Donna’s a DJ, Kelso’s a cop – even Fez has a job now. (to Fez) What is it again, man? Uh, shower girl? Make-up lady? FEZ: Shampoo boy! HYDE: (beat) Eh, I was close. He crosses to his chair and pats Jackie on the back. She stands up, lets him sit in the chair, and sits in his lap. ERIC: Wait a second – does this mean I’m the loser of the group now? KELSO: You are the one that’s still living with your mommy. ERIC: Man, you’re still living with your mommy. KELSO: Not for long. Me and Fez are looking for apartments. Then the only time I’ll see my mom is when she’s doing my laundry, cooking my meals, taking me to the dentist... He trails off there. JACKIE: Oh, Eric, I feel kinda bad. I mean, you wouldn’t even be thinking about this kind of stuff if you weren’t caught in the blinding light of my bright future. FEZ: You know, the scary thing is, if one year went by this fast, imagine where Eric is gonna be in ten years... He looks up, the camera tracks in, and we transition to: EXT. FORMAN DRIVEWAY – DAY FANTASY SEQUENCE. TITLE CARD 1: Eric’s crappy future. TITLE CARD 2: Ten years later. The Vista Cruiser comes into park. A grinning Eric steps out in full Mr. Spock costume, complete with ears. A thoroughly done Donna, in Uhura costume and wig, steps out from the passenger’s side. ERIC: Thanks for going with me to the Star Trek convention – Uhura. DONNA: You can call me Donna now. Without another word, she walks down the street. CUT TO: INT. FORMAN BASEMENT – NIGHT Back to reality. Fez giggles at his scenario, as does everyone but Eric. KELSO: That’s good, Fez. But I think it’s gonna be more like this... He looks up, the camera tracks in, and we transition to: EXT. FORMAN DRIVEWAY – DAY FANTASY SEQUENCE. The Vista Cruiser comes into park. A grinning Eric steps out in full Luke Skywalker costume, complete with lightsaber. A thoroughly done Donna, in Leia costume and hair, steps out from the passenger’s side. ERIC: Thanks for going with me to the Star Wars convention – Leia. DONNA: You can call me Donna now. Without another word, she walks down the street. CUT TO: INT. FORMAN BASEMENT - NIGHT Back to reality. Kelso grins at his scenario, as does everyone but Eric. HYDE: Nah, man. You’re both wrong. Actually, it’s gonna go like this... He and Jackie look up, the camera tracks in, and we transition to: EXT. FORMAN DRIVEWAY – DAY FANTASY SEQUENCE. The Vista Cruiser comes into park. A grinning Eric steps out in full Luke Skywalker costume, complete with lightsaber. A thoroughly done KITTY, in Leia costume and hair, steps out from the passenger’s side. ERIC: Thanks for going with me to the Star Wars convention – Leia. KITTY: You can call me Mom now. Without another word, she heads back into the house. CUT TO: INT. FORMAN BASEMENT - NIGHT Back to reality. Hyde and Jackie nod along to the scenario, as does everyone but Eric, who scrambles over the back of the couch. ERIC: Whoa! DONNA: Eric, they’re joking around. It’s funny. ERIC: No, Donna, it’s not funny! In fact – it’s completely possible! He turns and races up the stairs.

MAIN CREDITS *** INT. FORMAN BASEMENT - DAY The next day. The guys play cards while Donna reads in the lawn chair. Hyde, Eric, and Fez share the couch while Kelso sits backwards in Hyde’s chair. KELSO: (to Eric) So, gonna be a chiropractor, huh? All right, every chick patient that you have, you have to tell her the problem is her tailbone. That way, you get to grab around on her butt. ERIC: Kelso, I’m doing this ‘cause I wanna help people. A handful of ass is just a perk. The basement door opens and Jackie enters, box in hand. JACKIE: Hello, everyone. It is I, the light of all your lives and the newest arrival to the glorious world of adulthood. (sets box on coffee table) Michael, I remember how much you like playing with my equestrian figurine collection, so since I’m a mature woman now, these are for you. Fez reaches inside the box and lifts up a plastic toy horse. The guys all glare at Kelso, who shifts in his chair. JACKIE (cont’d): God, I cannot wait to graduate tomorrow. Classes are done and I finally know everything. Now it’s nothing but dinner parties, LoPP fundraisers, summers in Morocco, holidays in Paris... DONNA: Um, what about earning a degree, paying the bills, finding a place to live – you know, the responsibilities of being an adult? JACKIE: Okay, Donna, you’re forgetting one very important difference between most people and me – I grew up rich. I get things. Donna rolls her eyes as Jackie crosses to sit on the back of the couch behind Hyde. Kitty enters from the staircase, a newspaper in hand. KITTY: Michael, I circled some apartment listings for you and Fez. (to the gang) I found a great apartment for Janet Myers after her divorce. It has a murphy bed for when her kids come to visit. They never do. She’s in AA. She exits up the stairs. Kelso reviews the circled listings. KELSO: Look at all these places for rent. I hope we can find one that’s got everything my baby needs. FEZ: Oh, Kelso, you’re always putting me first. KELSO: Not you, moron! Betsy, my daughter. It’s amazing how one tiny person has changed my life so much. FEZ: You changed mine, too. Kelso’s out of insults; he just gives Fez a long stare. *** INT. FORMAN KITCHEN – DAY The next morning – the day of Jackie’s graduation, before school. She and Hyde eat breakfast on the island as RED, Kitty, Fez, and Kelso do the same at the table. Breakfast is eggs for everyone, with plates of toast and sausages in the middle. With one sausage left, Red and Fez both reach for it with their forks. Fez takes it. FEZ: Too slow, old man. KELSO: Fez, if you’re not polite, he’s gonna figure out you’re living here. Red drops his fork and glares at Fez. RED: You’re living here? KELSO: Oh, great. You blew it, Fez! KITTY: Red, he has nowhere else to go. Red stands. RED: (to Fez) Well, know this, Pele: you gotta sleep some time. And during the war, when they were sleeping – that’s when I got ‘em. He exits out the patio door. KITTY: (to Fez) Well, that wasn’t too bad. He called you “Pele.” He is a terrific soccer player. She takes her plate, stands, and crosses to the sink. Fez and Kelso lean in toward each other. FEZ: What do we do now? KELSO: I don’t know, man. That apartment was the only one we’ve found that’ll work for you, me, and Betsy. FEZ: We could try that room above the barber shop. KELSO: No, we can’t. FEZ: Why not? KELSO: Because there’s no way Mr. Lucania’s gonna let out a room to the guy he found hiding in his daughter’s closet. Or the guy he found in her bed. With her. Five times, senior year. Jackie, who has been watching and listening with Hyde throughout the scene, sits up straight. JACKIE: Wow. You guys are really struggling with all those adult responsibilities Donna was talking about. And Michael, you’re good-looking, but it doesn’t seem like it’s helping you at all. KELSO: Yeah. I’m afraid you’re gonna find as you get out into the real world that there are some things a bitchin’ bod just won’t fix. JACKIE: (gasps) Oh, God! She clasps a hand over her mouth. Kelso nods gravely and turns back to his conversation with Fez. *** INT. FORMAN BASEMENT – DAY Still morning, still before school. THE BRADY BUNCH plays on the TV. Hyde sits in his chair with Jackie in his lap while Donna remains on the couch, her neck still crooked. Eric retrieves a popsicle from the deep freeze and moves to join her on the couch. ERIC: (to Donna) How’re you doing, my little buttercup? DONNA: Great. The Brady Bunch is so much funnier sideways. JACKIE: Oh, God, Eric, you ruined her. Donna can’t even stand up straight now. And that’s real important for a lumberjack. ERIC: Hey, it’s not that bad. I’m sure chiropractor Forman can tend to my crooked little flower here. DONNA: You know, Eric, calling me cute little nicknames doesn’t make up for what you did. ERIC: Hey, whatever you say, my little crazy straw. JACKIE: Wow, this disaster just came out of nowhere, didn’t it? I mean, one minute Donna’s fine, the next some scrawny would-be quack’s turned her into a human pretzel. And Eric – Eric thought he found a career he’d be good at, which he obviously isn’t. (to Hyde) What if my TV show goes the same way? What if I’m no good? Or what if something awful happens to me out of nowhere, like a car crash or a gray hair? Donna was right – there is a downside to being an adult. Why was I in such a rush to grow up? I’m so short, I could’ve kept passing for a kid for years if I hadn’t talked such a big game about becoming an adult! HYDE: Look, Jackie - JACKIE: No, Steven! The graduation ceremony is in three hours, and I’ve just realized I’m not ready at all! I can’t do this! She lets out a scream and dashes into Hyde’s room. HYDE: (to Eric) Red still got that crowbar in the garage? ‘Cause that’s the only way we’re getting her out of there. Eric gives a sarcastic shrug as Donna rolls her eyes. *** INT. FORMAN BASEMENT - NIGHT That evening. Eric sits on the back of the couch on one end, Fez sits in the seat on the other, and Kelso sits in the lawn chair. KELSO: Well, Red convinced Fenton to give us the apartment! He and Fez share a low five. FEZ: Yeah, and Red seemed so happy. All the way home, he just kept looking at us and laughing. KELSO: Yeah, I’m pretty sure Red told Fenton that we knew a lot of chicks, ‘cause Fenton kept checking me out, like he could tell that I knew a lot of chicks. The door opens, and BOB leads Donna inside. Her neck is still crooked. BOB: Eric, I can’t believe that you crippled my angel, my pride and joy. It kills me, seeing her like this. ERIC: Then why are you bringing her over here? BOB: Oh, I got a date. I met a lady at the open house. She’s got crow’s feet, but she works in the sandwich shop, so I bent the rules. He exits. Donna crosses to sit by Eric on the couch. ERIC: Look, Donna, I’m so sorry about what happened. You know, I’ve been thinking about it, and I don’t think I ever really wanted to be a chiropractor. I was just, you know, grasping at straws. DONNA: I’d nod in agreement, but... you know, I’m paralyzed. KELSO: Eric, you know what I’m realizing about you? You’re not good at anything. FEZ: That’s not true, Kelso. Don’t forget butt-wiping. ERIC: Oh, you know, just once, it’d be nice if, after you get all your burns in, you guys actually tried to help. I mean, that’s what I do. I mean, I’m the one who was looking out for Hyde when his mom split. And Kelso, I was your math tutor in high school. And Fez, remember when you wanted to learn how to kiss, and I taught you by sticking M&Ms to the mirror? Donna and Kelso’s jaws drop. They look to Fez, who shifts in his seat. FEZ: That never happened. I know how to kiss. Ah, shut it, Eric! DONNA: (to Eric) You know, the only reason you ended up stuck like this was because your one chance to go away to college, you gave up to take care of your family after your dad got sick. You really do try to help. ERIC: And I love doing it. I wish that could be a career. DONNA: Right. You just need a career that combines a desire to help people with a high tolerance for irrational and childish behavior. ERIC: Or... just children. Just kids. Like at a school. Like a schoolteacher. Guys, I think I could make a good teacher! Before he can elaborate any further, the basement door flies open. Hyde enters, carrying Jackie in his arms. She has on a graduation cap and gown, carries her diploma in her hand, and wears a massive, spacey grin. JACKIE: Hello, adulthood! I’m Jackie Burkhart, and I’m ready for ya! DONNA: Hey, looks like someone got over her little panic episode. HYDE: Well, after you left, I went to talk to her and told her everything was gonna be fine and she was ready for graduation. But that didn’t work, so I broke out my best stuff. She’s been flying ever since. Jackie sweeps out her hand holding her diploma, pops one foot out, and kisses Hyde on the cheek. HYDE (cont’d): You should’ve seen her give the valedictorian address. DONNA: Jackie, you’re not your class valedictorian. HYDE: That’s why you should’ve seen it. ERIC: That’s great, Jackie. You know what? This has just been a great day all around. Jackie graduated, Kelso and Fez found an apartment, and I’ve decided I’m gonna be a teacher. That’s right, you are looking at a future Mr. Forman. JACKIE: Mr. Forman? Oh, well – She swings herself down from Hyde’s arms and stumbles over to Eric. She steadies herself by slapping a hand down on his shoulder. JACKIE (cont’d): Since I’ve already graduated, I can tell you now – my last essay? Yeah, everything in it, I stole from Donna doing the same assignment last year. As well as she can, Donna turns to give Jackie an incredulous look. JACKIE (cont’d): Hey, I’ve got my diploma, I’ve got a TV show, I am woman, and I’m ready for more! Eric, grinning, shakes his head. Donna, Fez, and Kelso chuckle. Hyde also shakes his head and walks over to lead Jackie to his chair. FADE TO BLACK

#z's fics #that 70s show #zenmasters #jackie x hyde #zen3to5+#fan fiction #fan script

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weaselbeaselpants · 5 years ago

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Hazbin Hotel Review part 2: Mistakes were made please don’t kill me

This pilot is polarizing at the moment. In between the two sides of the anti-fanbase (ppl crying “if you like HH you’re homophobic”, or the BWW with it’s cringey politics), you have lots of fans who are falling over themselves about how good this is. If you love Hazbin unconditionally that’s fine, but here’s the thing:

I like it too.

I’m the kind of person who’s naturally critical, pokes harmless fun at what I like, and is always rewriting and reimagining things within the fandoms I like. I want to be a ‘Hazbin’ fan but I don’t know if I’m allowed to since the fanbase can be so staunchly overprotective and Viv herself has said she doesn’t like criticism, no matter how valid or done in good faith.

Tbh, that’s why the drama revolving around @frootrollup1 upsets me: the fandom is fine with lumping all criticism or redesign stuff in the realm of ignorant hate, when redesign, rewrites, revamps and other fan dribble are kind of a labor of love onto itself in other fandoms. Guess that’s a talk for later though.

With all this in mind, let me go over my thoughts:

There’s no PROPER establishment of Hell as a place, setting, world, or proper establishment of the characters.

The armor-piercing question Hazbin needs to be asked is this:

“is this a generic version of Hell we should all be familiar with and need no introduction to, OR is this a unique take that requires it’s own rules?”

^ It feels like the latter but we don’t get a good rundown of said rules. Besides that, characters are one note and serve either no purpose or become flies on the wall to other characters’ purpose.

Things were said and places were shown but we honestly don’t get a good idea of Hell by the end of the pilot. It’s a ritzy(?) place where souls of the damned literally become demons and then get purged. I THINK. I THINK, that’s what the writer’s were going for here. TBH, it feels like they’re skipping ahead and thinking of the show as a finished, fully realized product with developed characters and plots already, and not an introduction to a series/standalone piece.

If I didn’t have some inkling or the lore prior to watching it, I wouldn’t have known that the demons sans-Charlie were once human. Angel says in passing in the car that he’s already dead, but really references to the fact that they were once human are rare.

Now I’m a simple woman - I ain’t picky with mah demonology - But, call me crazy, when I think Hell I don’t think of the people who end up there turning into demons, I think of people going there to be tortured. That’s the hell I’m used to seeing and is prevelant in like every religion that has a hell. Taking a spin on that and making demons the souls of sinners trapped in hell? A-okay, but I NEED MORE. Instead of talking in a car or spending time on this lolsofuny demon turf war, we really needed more time given to the fact that Vaggie, Angel, and others were once human. No, I don’t want a full flashback, but it would give us a better grasp of the mechanics of sin in this world if these two characters told a little bit more themselves than just having some lines offhandedly explaining how everything works.

EX- How to do revamp of a familiar setting right while still leaving certain details vague? One Word: Hadestown.

Hadestown doesn’t need to give you all the details of it’s setting cause that’s not the point. You don’t need to know if the workers of Hadestown are literally dead, metaphorically dead, or both or where other gods live. Those aren’t the things we need to know for the musical to progress. What we need to know is Hades’ underworld is a mining colony of doom, that Hades buys peoples souls so the workers can never leave, that Persephone and Hades are on the rocks which is messing up the seasons, and that oop! Eurydice had to go back. Between the commonplace to complex knowledge westerners have of Greek mythology and the revamped Prohibition-era setting, all is explained that we the audience need explained.

I have the feeling Hazbin Hotel wanted the same thing: explain what needs to be explained for the currant plot and leave bits and pieces in the dark. It just didn’t really work.

The flow of the narrative was bad.

So apparently on the PizzaPartyPodcast Vivziepop admitted there were things that were moved around or turned out rushed.

Fair enough but even with that excuse can someone please tell me why they thought it was a good idea to start the story after Angel has already been made a patron of the hotel?

Getting to know not only how the world works first and foremost, but who our main character (Charlie) is and what she is doing (the hotel), would be the easiest way to drop us into the action of the story and get the ball rolling. But instead we start off with an intro song that sort of shows us what this world is like but doesn’t explain anything about who or what we’re seeing until the newscasters come in. Angel’s introduced in this time and the build up and execution of this character is poor, rushed, and feels more like writers fudging around with a character they like than giving us, the audience, a proper introduction*.

After that, I’m sorry to say the spots where the story picks up, drifts off, lulls about, or comes around all kind of melt into this big slurry the characters are drowning in, without any real care for telling a story. BUT THIS IS A STORY!!!

This is not a little menagerie of random characters ala the Pastoral Symphony from Fantasia. This is not a collection of little things just for the fun of it to get to to know these people (it does a bad job at getting you to know these guys). This is a three act structure. I can tell where the intro, rising action, climax, and falling action are SUPPOSED to be, but they don’t stand out, don’t do their job, and melt into the fluff in a way that makes the emotional impact we’re supposed to feel null somehow...

The pacing was bad.

While some scenes go by far too quickly others go on for faaaaaaar too long. These are the bits that don’t surprise me when I hear this pilot was changed around, cut down, or fudged with a bit.

Scenes like this include Charlie’s back and forth with Katie Killjoy before and after her song, Charlie and Vaggie’s fight in the car, Alastor explaining himself to Charlie and Vaggie trying to talk him out of it, ALL of the Ser Pentious/Cherry Bomb terf fight bits.

Oddly, it feels like these parts are trying REALLY hard to get a point across but they end up being more of a hindrance to this otherwise snappy dialogue and supposedly simple set up. This pilot is 20+ minutes, but the bits we need to endear ourselves to our main cast are squandered on what the writers thought was “fun to write” at the time.

Too many characters, even in a 20 minute pilot.

Instead of getting a good idea of our leads, everyone is treated with the same level of importance or interest in a world that hasn’t even been fully introduced yet.

The truly important supporting characters to Charlie, Vaggie, Angel, and Alastor are Husk, Katie, and Nifty. Katie provides conflict to the first half of Charlie’s story, while Husk and Nifty are hires by Alastor for the hotel; they establish his power over other demons and his influence on the hotel and it’s success. Sir Pentious and Cherry Bomb needed to be cameos. Their characters should be glorified plot contrivances/resolutions, No More. I ain’t gonna care about a cast of billions from the start. We gotta start small first. Not only do we have four mains, we also have a bunch of little guys who need to eat up screen time...except they absolutely don’t need to and should be simple background cameos for now.

Sir Pentious and Cherry Bomb get as much character time as the four mains even though Angel is underdeveloped and Alastor is overdeveloped. When it comes to storytelling - unconventional or otherwise - priorities, is what this pilot needs.

Angel basically does nothing after Alastor is introduced.

Of all the characters in Hazbin to get left in the dust (lol) and be underdeveloped, Angel Dust would be my last guess. He’s popular with his creator and with the fandom but because of how the pilot is set up, his character falls to the back-burners and is kind of unnecessary: (Charlie uses him as an experiment to see if she can reform a sinner but he doesn’t hold up, so when Alastor comes into play the focus of Charlie’s plan switches almost entirely to Alastor and Angel is unneeded). If this were two episodes of a series; one about Charlie getting to know and trying to “fix” Angel, and another about Alastor coming in and taking over, that’d be fine. But this is a pilot so the plot and character development is kinda crushed in and neither Angel nor his existence amounts to much of anything.

I honestly forgot Angel was even in the latter half of the pilot. The poor demon-spider whore dies on the way to his home planet.

Not to fan-blurb here but I think it’d be more interesting if the conflict in the latter half wasn’t Vaggie trying to warn Charlie away from Alastor but Angel feeling shown up by Alastor and him being the one protesting to Alastor’s take-over of the hotel. It would have given Angel more to do and would cement him as one of our four leads.

Alastor gets a backstory because he is A) not the character I thought they were going for, or B), they’re jumping the gun on him. Alastor is a maddening character in my book because if he’s the character I thought he was supposed to be - our main villain - then they royally messed up a good villain by explaining his story. If he ISN’T the main villain, than color me confused on what he’s supposed to be.

It goes without saying that a good villain should remain somewhat mysterious throughout the rising action, which is what the pilot is building up to (I think?). Alastor’s personality makes him an absolutely wonderful villain and probably the most outwardly “demon”-like of anyone in Hell. Him being a rogue demon that scares the inhabitants of Hell should be alluded to, not stated.

Vaggie and Angel get passing “we dead” bg but our villain gets a backstory dumped on him? For the standalone pilot this episode is, his backstory doesn’t do anything for the plot. For the rest of the series, this feels like a big waste to reveal this guy’s history over anyone else. The rest of the HH cast are sorta small stereotypes and cliches that the writers want to endear to us because of what they do and what they go through, though since there’s too many of them they end up just being there. Alastor, on the other hand, is where they hit gold and really have a character who oozes personality and the feel of their show...but they kind of taint him by giving him an unneeded (at this point) history.

Big problem with him not only being explained but him outright stating his intentions with the hotel.

Maybe I’m wrong and Alastor is not the bigbadvillain in a cast of villains...in which case I don’t know what the pilot wants us to think of him or where the show’s going with him. Is he a demonic version of Harold Hill who learns to care about ppl and gets redeemed? Maybe that will change with future episodes....

Hazbin is confusing as a person not privy to the franchise/development prior ,and feels disappointing from the pov of someone getting hyped for these characters. As a follower of the project it feels like a let down to the respective characters and plots we’ve been anticipating. While, as newcomer, it’s hard to care about anyone. My sister, who had far less info on the pilot than me, was watching it the whole time going “who are you?” and by the end said “why should I care?” Really good summary from this IMDB review here:

Little harsh but my thoughts exactly.

TL;DR: The writers need to really rethink how to introduce their world to newcomers AND fans alike. -

There’s so much passion in Hazbin Hotel but I feel it’s misaimed and a prime example of why “write/draw what you like and what sounds ‘fun’!!!!” isn’t a good idea for storytelling.

There’s technically a story in Hazbin Hotel, but because of the bad pacing and lackluster approach to world and character development, for the kind of project that it is, it’s not very good.

Again, for the people in the back: if you think I’m a bully because I happen to be harsh with my criticism, sorry but harsh critique isn’t the same thing as bad faith criticism (CinemaSins, NC, Bad Webcomics Wiki) and I’d appreciate it if you didn’t lump me in with those turds because I don’t love every second of this. I may not be the best writer, but storytelling is my passion and I think this dropped the ball. IT DOESN’T MEAN I HATE IT. - Alternatively, if you love Hazbin unconditionally or disagree with me on these things: great! Like what you like as long as everything’s safe, which it is. Stuff is problematic but hey so is everything look at the stuff I like. Also, if you’re one of those people who unironically says “if you like HH than I’m blocking you teehee unfollow me”, you fittingly have a very special seat in hell set up for you. Don’t threaten my friends cause you don’t like something they like. =)

#hazbin hotel critique #vivziepop #hazbin hotel

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