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foldingfittedsheets · 3 months

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I’d like to entertain and enliven you now with the saga of my Slut Era.

I’ve always been a serial monogamist and my shortest long term relationships clocked in at three years. So perhaps that’s why when I finally broke it off with my ex I went insane on dating. Part of it was definitely just that between anxiety and loneliness I wanted to fill up my time.

This happened when I was living alone for the first time, no roommates, just me and my little cat Leeloo. I didn’t want to come home to an empty house so instead I set up dates.

Most of these were disastrous. I’m not everyone’s cup of tea and I had a lot more first dates than second because they’d seen enough, including the one where people aggressively complimented me.

But after a few months I had four people I was seeing simultaneously. I was up front with all of them that things were not exclusive, and they all agreed, so no infidelity took place here, just a lot of hijinks.

Here’s who was on the dating roster:

• An apprentice woodworker that we’ll call Jill. I honestly thought at 26 years old that her being 21 wasn’t a problem age gap and I quickly learned that there was a vast gulf of both maturity and life experience between us. Jill described herself as “heteroflexible” and had just dumped her first boyfriend to flirt it up with me.

• A married woman looking for a friends with benefits. We’ll call her Alice. I insisted on meeting her husband first to be sure I wasn’t part of a cheating mess and he gave me his blessing when I stayed over at her house. Years later when he and Alice had divorced I would go on to sell him and his new fiancée an engagement ring and we both realized at the end how we knew each other and it was wildly awkward. Alice was nice, but a hardcore vegan who insisted I brush my teeth if I so much as ate string cheese before I could kiss her. She was also unhappy in her marriage and was feeling out if I’d want to get serious.

• A bartender dubbed Snakebites, so called because of her signature piercings. She cooked me a steak so raw it was still mooing and some of the best asparagus I’d ever had. In our singular sexy encounter she bit my nipple and I never got over it. Really don't bite someone if you don't know their preference and work up in pressure. We weren’t terribly compatible but neither of us were willing to admit it yet. Truthfully I considered still dating her solely because I desperately wanted her bathroom. It had all black tile, black toilet, black sink, a rain shower in the corner and a jacuzzi tub. I may not have loved her but god I loved that bathroom.

And finally,

• My beloved, who I would go on to marry, who was dealing with a lot of personal stuff at the time. Obviously that meant I liked them the best of all the people I was seeing because we were both disasters at the time.

So that’s the cast of this little misadventure. Now, our story begins with Jill.

Jill was someone who heightened my anxiety. Each of the three times she came to my home she brought and left more stuff. A self help book, a ramen kit, the entire Teen Titans collection of DVDs. It was like she was trying to move in. She also liked to deride my taste in things, frequently calling me a pleb when I mentioned a band or show I liked.

She was working on a gorgeous little decorative table in her woodworking program. The main wood for the top had a beautiful dapple of knots like jaguar spots, and when she showed me a picture I exclaimed how pretty it was.

“Do you want it?”

“Oh- I mean it’s lovely, I wouldn’t mind having it, but you should sell it and make some money!”

But she was adamant. She’d give me the little side table. At about this time, Alice was starting to get awfully lovey for a FWB. I knew she wasn’t happy with her husband but I also knew we were not a good fit. Fun fact: Alice and her husband were step siblings with a pretty hefty age gap. They got together when he stumbled upon a kink photo shoot she’d done with vegetables. None of their family was happy about the relationship but they weren’t related by blood so it was fine.

So I was fending off more overt romantic advances from Alice, and feeling increasingly like I needed to break things off with Jill. Snakebites wasn’t ever initiating communication and I decided to pull a lot of plugs at once.

I ghosted Snakebites, told Alice that I thought we should cool it, and in a move worthy of a rom-com I asked my beloved if I could pretend we were exclusive to put off Jill. They agreed and I texted Jill to let her know that I was no longer single.

I was not prepared for Jill’s response. She. Was. Devastated. She flew off the handle. She’d just been waiting for the right time to tell me how she felt about me! How dare I do this to her!

What about the table?!

“You should keep the table, it’s gorgeous, you’ll be able to sell it, but I don’t expect a free table.”

Silence met me after that text. I worried and fretted and eventually headed home.

There on my doorstep. The table.

It was a small little end table, reeking of oil and polish, but very beautiful. I brought it inside. The little drawer didn’t even have a knob or guide rails. But it did have a handwritten bill proclaiming that it was costing me $500.

“I can’t afford a $500 table, Jill!” I texted.

“Well you kept saying how nice it was. I spent a lot of time on it.”

“I’m not saying it’s not worth $500” (it wasn’t, it was a tiny side table made by an apprentice) “but I can’t buy a $500 table.”

“Make me an offer.”

I stared at the little table. I did actually like it, but I worried about the repercussions of entering into this deal. Hesitantly I typed back, “$300.” I didn’t think it was worth that much but I didn’t want to insult her too badly.

This suited her for the night. But the next day she informed me she needed a new bed, and that she’d take her $300 in credit toward a new mattress. I spent the whole next day basically wrangling with her over what she wanted and eventually she spiked back up to demanding $500 for the damn table.

“Let me just give it back,” I begged. It was not the first, second, or even third time I’d asked to return the thing but this time she finally relented and gave me her address. Since she lived with her parents still I’d never been over.

I called up my beloved and said, “Hey, I need moral support, can you run an errand with me?”

They agreed which is how we loaded up a self help book, a ramen kit, the entire Teen Titans DVD collection, and the table from hell into my little car together. Jill had said to meet her at one o'clock. I intended to drop everything off at noon and be done with this madness.

But while my beloved and I were on the doorstep leaving everything I heard, “Jill? You’re home early,” through the door. Her mom opened it to peer at us in confusion.

“I was just bringing Jill’s stuff back!” I chirped in alarm.

With little tact and a lot of speed we left her with Jill’s collection of things and then I sped out of there like my tail was on fire. I handed my phone to my beloved as I zoomed away instructing them to block Jill’s number. I was free. The tabletross around my neck had been returned.

It was about a month after that when my beloved and I officially began dating exclusively. I had wrapped up all my messy dating threads and it was a relief to be in a relationship again. They went on a trip to Mexico shortly after we made it official.

So I knew they were out of town. But next morning I walked out to my car and beheld a lipstick kiss pressed to the drivers side window.

I was petrified. I had just dumped three girls at once and had an extremely messy back and forth with one of them. Did I have a stalker?!

Of the girls, Alice seemed like likeliest candidate, being of a stronger lipstick variety girl than Jill or Snakebites. We had ended things a bit stiffly, but still cordial. She just laughed when I asked if she knew anything about it. “Nope,” she said, “but good luck.”

I’d rather have walked over broken glass then text Jill, and I’d firmly ghosted Snakebites so I was scared to reopen communication to ask if she was stalking me. I had to drop it. But it haunted me, that lipstick kiss.

For months I was jumpy, wondering which of my spurned lovers had done it. And why. Was it a threat? A goodbye? I lay awake thinking about it, worrying about how everyone I’d dated knew where I lived, which car was mine.

Finally, nothing else happened and I moved on. The kiss would remain a mystery and I had to be content with that.

It was a year later when I finally started filling my mom in on my dating escapades that I finally got closure. She was hooting and laughing as I went over the table debacle. Then I paused and added, “And then this kiss showed up on my car.”

“Did you like it?”

“What? No! I’m pretty sure one of them was stalking me! Who else would leave a kiss on my car?”

My mom started bellowing with laughter. “I did!” She wheezed.

Apparently. My mother had been driving by my place. And decided that a cute little gesture would be to leave me a kiss. And then decided to never mention it to me even though she’s never done anything like that previously.

“It scared the crap out of me!” I yelled while she collapsed with helpless laughter. “I thought I had a stalker! How could I possibly have known that was you?!”

“How could I have known you’d just broken up with three girls at once?” She wheezed in rejoinder and like. Fair play.

So that’s how my mom convinced me I had a stalker and I got out of buying a $500 table.

#ramblies #funny #ffs foibles #dating #the table #writing #story #funny story

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apricityxoxo · 25 days

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times of rest

one shot

john price x fem!reader.

summary: john really loves his time off content/warnings: lots of fluff, domestic price, and suggestive dialog. It's not clearly stated but there's an age gap (duhh) wc: about 700

worked on this while i was away for a while, going to be posting more one-shots! ps: i love domestic!price

John Price loves his time off.

Every time he gets at least a month off, he gets ecstatic.

It's like he's getting a taste of retirement.

Right now, he's nursing a beer while sitting on his front porch. He has his feet supported on a decorative haybale with your two cats resting at his feet. This is his second beer tonight, the first beer was had with his delicious dinner. He had a perfectly cooked steak, medium rare just like he liked, a side of lemon garlic broccoli and asparagus, with mashed potatoes. Perfect. You prepared him a perfect dinner for the end of his first week back.

Now he was watching you. Watching you take care of your garden that you so meticulously worked on for years since you first got married. You look beautiful, deciding to work on your garden in the afternoon instead of during the midday heat.

You wanted to garden this morning, but he wouldn't let you. He absolutely couldn't let you leave the bed this morning.

How was he supposed to let you out of bed when you looked gorgeous?

Your hair was wrapped in a colorful scarf, the straps of your thin nightgown falling off your shoulder exposing your left breast, and your lips even more plump with sleep. He couldn't let you go, he had to remind you how much he loved you.

When you were so close to leaving the bed to start your morning routine, he grabbed you like a crazed man. He completely ignored your whines and giggles, lifting your nightgown and gazing down at you.

…

The memory of how he spent the morning with you under him had him adjusting his pants.

You are currently on your knees ripping weeds out of the ground and replacing dying flowers with ones currently in season. Your face has a light glow to it and your gloved hands are dirty. You've never looked better.

When you finally looked up John was already looking at you, gazing at you with suggestive eyes. You shake your head and get back to work.

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。.

The sun finally set but you and John were still on the porch, you were resting your legs on his lap. You are enjoying yourself, reading a new book while sipping on a glass of white wine, your husband caressing your calf. John smokes one of his more expensive cigars, blowing smoke away from you, toward the night sky as he's lost in thought.

He thinks about the life he wants to have with you, the life he's already started with.

He is so thankful that you both impulsively bought this plot of land with a house that was in desperate need of fixing. Slowly over the years that house turned into a home and he's grateful he gets to enjoy it with you.

He loves his time off and he wants to make the most of it.

He puts his cigar out on the ashtray that rests on the small table between you both. He grabs your attention when he slowly takes the glass of wine from your hand. He takes the wine and places it on the table slowly, he ignores the confused look on your face. He then takes your book and puts it upside down on the table, to save you space.

“What's going on John” You ask him, wondering why he needed your attention all of a sudden.

Instead of answering you, he pats your thigh and pulls you towards him.

You sit in his lap and grab his face with your gentle hands, you admire your handsome husband with a soft smile.

“What's up, papa?” you inquire again, playing with his beard.

“Nothing love, just glad to be home,” he said with a heavy accent and soft voice.

“Real glad to be home” he reaffirms, grabbing your hips and readjusting you on him. You suppress a quiet moan and grab on the back of his neck.

He adjusts his hips and brings you in closer, so your chests touch. You kiss him like there's no tomorrow and he does the same.

“Goddamn I love my time off hun, I love spending my time with ya” He grunts, then he leans forward to capture your lips in a sensual kiss.

He loved being home.

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。.

okee byeee <33

masterlist

#roma’s works ❀#john price #captain john price #john price x reader #john price smut #john price x you #oneshot #x fem!reader #x reader #x black fem reader #x black reader #price x reader #fanfic #fanfiction #call of duty modern warfare

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