#still having trouble mentally
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We working on our physical health instead of mental health boisssss
#both are terrible actually#mentally wise#still waiting for my autism assessment appointment#still having trouble mentally#physically#doctors haven’t told me about my mri or ct scan yet#I keep almost passing out still#I’m constantly tired#BUT WE RUN AND WE EXERISE TO FORGET THE MENTAL#AND DRAIN THE PHYSICAL#r
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they could have been such haters together
(ID in alt text)
#dungeon meshi#mirumisu#mithrun of the house of kerensil#milsiril of the house of tol#dungeon meshi spoilers#mithrun dungeon meshi#milsiril dungeon meshi#doodles#mine#the filename is xoxogossipgirl#yes im still on my mirumisu missed connections yuri bullshit. they could have been their worst selves ever........ TOGETHER#it's fine tho bc now they can be their less worse selves..... together <3 and deal untold psychic damage to kabru#having sooo much trouble w the other big dm piece im doing so i meant this to be a quick mental refresh and um. took too long to be casual#unclear if i am refreshed or if the farcille kiss will take me out of commission again. that's the beauty of life <3#save me mirumisu..... mirumisu save me.....
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the thing about the npd ford headcanon is that he doesn't display like half of the symptoms and the other half that he does display are also symptoms of other disorders. so while i don't actually think there's anything wrong with the headcanon i think a lot of people also just either don't understand what npd is or fundamentally misunderstand ford's personality. which is something that's been going on since 2016 lol
#j3.rtf#last week i read a fic that said 'ford has flaws and that's ok :) but he has to be tricked into caring about other people'#and while to be fair they didn't explicitly state that they were writing ford w/ npd it kind of summarizes the point i'm trying to make her#1. that's a fucked up thing to say about ANYONE with ANY personality and/or mental disorder#2. no he doesn't#ford is shown having trouble understanding other people but never is shown having trouble caring about them#even if you're like 'there's nothing wrong with having these traits!!!' they're still just... not traits that he has#poking the beast here i know but it's getting late and i have thoughts
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Jasico Bingo Challenge: Boyfriend Sweater
When Nico walks into the dining pavilion wearing a golden yellow sweater, Percy does a double-take. Actually, it’s a triple-take: first, he thought it was a new Apollo kid, then he realized it was Nico, then he realized it was Nico. Wearing a color.
Is the world ending again? Was there something really wrong with the milk in his cereal? What in the everloving Hades was going on?!
Nico sits down at table 13, unbothered as ever, and pulls the sleeves of the hoodie up. It’s way too big on him, like Big Bird shed and some poor fucker decided Nico di Angelo needed the empty muppet skin in his wardrobe.
(Is it Nico? Maybe some changeling creature kidnapped their resident son of Hades and has decided to take his place? Maybe Percy needs to go over there and test him out, y’know, knick him with some iron or something to see if he burns. If it’s an imposter, though, they’re doing a piss-poor job. Is it an intentionally bad job? Gods, it’s barely eight AM on a Tuesday, does he seriously have to go save Nico from somewhere and kill a monster wearing his face? That does not sound like his ideal Tuesday, if he’s really real. He’ll totally do it, but he won’t like it, and maybe he should start planning how to take out a creature like-)
“I can see the mountain you’re building,” Annabeth says, popping Percy’s strangely detailed daydream of hunting down and killing a weird, half-Nico, half-demon gremlin creature. He blinks the image out of his eyes and looks up at her, her hip resting against the edge of his table.
She looks amused. He squints. “Nico’s been bodysnatched.”
“Mm, no,” she says easily, with a shake of her head. “Nico’s wearing a jacket.”
“A yellow jacket.” Percy looks at the son of Hades again. He just- can’t wrap his head around it. He hasn’t seen Nico willingly wear a color since the guy was ten years old. “A yellow jacket that’s, like, twice his size.”
“It’s a molehill, seaweed brain. A jacket’s just a jacket.”
“But it’s yellow.”
“What was your nightmare about?”
Percy physically recoils at the non sequitur, tilting back in his seat incredulously. His- what? His nightmare? What does his nightmare have to do with a jacket, anyway, that’s got nothing to do with this.
He folds his arms on the table and makes a face. “That’s unrelated.”
Annabeth’s mouth raise at the corners, her eyes watching him like an all-knowing hawk. An owl, three-sixty vision and nothing but questions, who, who?
She pets through his hair and pushes her weight back up. As she draws her hand back, she taps his cheek, then his chin, and says, “just leave him alone, then.”
Percy watches her walk back to her table. When she sits, he buries his face in his arms and groans.
“Jason has also been bodysnatched,” Percy hisses to Annabeth during pottery class.
“What makes you say that.” She throws her lump of clay at the pedestal in front of her and gives Percy the same look she gave him this morning.
Percy decides to ignore that look, because that is the look of reason and he is far beyond that now. “He was wearing this black jacket with, like, skulls in hourglasses and weird skeleton butterflies and shit during Latin.”
“He is related to Thalia, you know,” Annabeth hums. She wets her hands as the plate before her starts to spin. “Maybe he’s going through the family goth phase.”
Had she not just leaned in to start forming something magical and incredible out of clay, Percy would slouch over Annabeth’s shoulders and plead with her to at least consider that something weird is going on. Maybe it’s not bodysnatchers or changelings, okay, but something is strange! Jason Grace does not just decide to wear emo shit! Jason Grace once had a panic attack because the Aphrodite Cabin stole a pair of his jeans and cut them into shorts! This is a man who has a stricter sense of style than Nico, who, fucking hell, don’t even get Percy started on that. The yellow jacket has remained on all day and it’s haunting him.
Annabeth dips her thumbs into the top of her clay and does not respond.
Percy slumps down into the stool beside hers and huffs, more for himself than anything.
Change is okay. Change is fine. But change like this, with no reason, is the opposite of fine. Change like this is a low-blow stink bomb in an otherwise perfect Capture the Flag game, impossible to get out of his clothes and his skin and his hair. Change like this is how people die.
He claws his hands up into his hair and listens to the steady whir of the pottery wheel, the sound of wet clay being molded and shaped in different ways. There’s a lull of conversation from other campers in the class, kids from all different cabins, because to them this is any other day.
Maybe this should be any other day to him, too. No, not maybe. It should be. This should be a regular Tuesday, full of regular classes with his regular friends who are ordinary in whatever ways they can be, but instead, Percy’s brain has to go and mix up everything, make everything feel- out of control.
HIs next exhale shakes too hard for his liking. His shoulders are too tense.
Beside him, Annabeth keeps calmly shaping her pot. She dips her hands into the water every so often, probably executing some flawless plan of action she drafted the night before. She’s not always delicate with her hands, with art like this - Percy knows that’s something she’s self conscious about. She never thinks she can be good at finer things.
That’s normal. That’s normal for her. Ordinary, to think that Annabeth Chase would tackle arts and crafts in the same way she would a war strategy, devising the perfect approach for a flawless result. Executing it flawlessly.
She pinches too hard pulling up the walls of the pot. It crumples, then swings off the wheel entirely with the force of it’s motion, splattering wetly across Percy’s arms and the other campers at the bench.
Percy watches Annabeth glare at her failed creation. She sticks her hands in the dirty water to scrub the clay off, wipes her hands off on her shirt, and pulls on Percy’s sleeve.
“I hate pottery,” she mutters as they rise together.
Percy grins. “I think it knows that,” he teases, and follows as she stomps toward the exit.
When the answer slaps Percy in the face, it feels more like a gut punch in the way it makes him breathless and off-balance.
“You’re…huh?”
Annabeth clicks her tongue. “You two couldn’t think of a better way to do this?” she gestures between Nico and Jason, standing awkwardly side by side as if they don’t know what to do with themselves.
They’re still wearing the wrong jackets. Each other’s jackets.
Percy makes a face, then realizes that might not be the best response to his two friends telling him their dating, so he tries to make a different face.
The world’s not ending. They’re just…together. Sharing jackets, like couples do.
“We didn’t want to make it a big deal,” Jason says. He keeps glancing at Nico and chewing on the inside of his lip. Nico, with the golden sleeves of apparently-Jason’s-jacket pulled over his hands once more, looks stubborn. Like he’s ready to fight about something.
Percy wipes his sweaty hands off on his shirt and gestures, though he’s not sure at what. “But Nico’s wearing a color?”
He feels more than sees Annabeth’s disapproving glare at the side of his head. Jason draws himself up, then seems to falter. His head cocks to the side and he shakes his head.
“What?”
“That’s a big deal,” Percy reiterates. “Nico doesn’t wear colors.”
“Nico is standing right here, wearing a color,” Nico grumbles. He shoves his hands into the pocket of the sweatshirt and gives Percy a glare that is far more familiar than literally anything else happening right now. “I’m allowed to wear whatever I want to wear, for the record.”
“But you don’t!”
“Well I do now. If you have a fucking problem with it-”
“I never said I had a problem with it,” Percy snaps back, immediately on the defensive. “I was fucking worried about you, you little shit, I thought something was wrong. I thought- I don’t know what I thought! I thought you two were swapped with some other versions of yourself, I thought you’d been- I don’t know- abducted by aliens, or fairies, or something!” He throws his hands up in the air, then drops them back onto his head, staring sort of at the middle point between the two of them. “You can’t do that shit and not expect- I mean, because, come on, guys, you’re you, you two fucking freak out if someone so much as touches your clothes. What were we supposed to think?”
The hearth crackles. It’s too pleasant a sound for the sick Percy feels.
Annabeth takes his hand, at least, and squeezes. His face burns with the shame of yelling like this, over this, it just feels so fucking stupid all of a sudden. He feels so stupid. Annabeth tried to tell him it was nothing, and he let it all get away with him, he let that nasty part of his brain win and win and win, and now he’s taking his losses out on them.
“I’m happy for you two,” he makes himself say, when no one else speaks. “I think I just also need therapy.”
Finally, Annabeth snorts. It’s a noise Percy knows, one he can ground himself with, same as her palm hot in his, her weight tilting into his side as her head bonks into his chin.
The stress he’d held bundled up in his spine and his shoulders and his stomach all day releases in an instant. He slouches back in against her and laughs against the top of her head.
“Jesus Christ,” Nico mutters, when Percy can’t stop himself, dissolving into a fit of hysterics over his own bullshit. “This is why I said we should just tell them. He’s laughing at us.”
“I think he’s laughing at himself,” Jason says. He sounds uncertain.
Percy hugs Annabeth tight, and laughs himself hoarse.
EXTRA
Nico stares at himself in Jason’s mirror, with the sweater hanging halfway down his thighs, sleeves hanging off his hands, the peak of his collarbone through the freaking collar. He narrows his gaze into a glare.
“I look like a toddler,” he says derisively.
Jason, still getting dressed himself, laughs. When he appears in the mirror behind Nico, looking far more proportional in Nico’s sweatshirt (which is frankly fucking unfair), his grin softens into a smile that’s- something. Sweet.
Nico twitches his nose.
“I look like I’m six years old,” he says, grabbing the hem of the sweatshirt and yanking down. “Why are we doing this.”
“‘Cause it’s silly,” Jason says. He presses a kiss against the side of Nico’s head and hugs him loosely from behind. “You don’t look like a baby, either. You just look your age.”
Nico looks down at himself. Maybe there’s a point there, a point to be made about how he dresses for practicality, dresses to blend in, but never to express himself. Maybe there’s a point to be made about how his discomfort isn’t really for how he feels about this, but how he thinks others will feel about it.
He tugs at the hem again, and looks back up. Jason’s eyes in the mirror are bright, as if taking in the sight of Nico in his hoodie like this is something to savor.
Nico likes when Jason looks at him like that. He likes how it feels to be looked at like he’s attractive. He likes how it feels to be wanted.
“I guess,” Nico concedes, leaning further back into Jason’s chest. Immediately, Jason’s stance is more solid, sturdy, holding them both up as easy as breathing. He holds Nico like it’s a promise that he’ll never let go.
He looks at the pair of them in the mirror, a cohesive unit rather than two separate halves. Jason in black is definitely something Nico wants to see more of, especially with the way Nico’s clothes fit snug over him, just a little tight at the biceps and chest. He looks good, not that he doesn’t look good otherwise. Different.
With Nico his contrast in yellow…maybe it isn’t so bad. Maybe he likes being the counterbalance, even.
Jason squeezes him again. Those damn eyes in the mirror are making Nico too warm, like his stomach is full of hot jell-o.
“Okay, fine, let’s do this,” he huffs. The difference in his tone must be audible, though, because Jason perks up and grins, his eyebrows up, face aglow. Nico can’t look at him for too long. It’s still strange knowing he can make someone feel like that. He doesn’t know what to do when Jason turns the full puppy-love thing on. “And stop looking at me like that, you’re going to give me cavities.”
“Okay,” Jason says in a voice identical to his expression.
Nico grabs his hand and squeezes it twice.
Jason squeezes back, so tight it aches. Nico’s heart swells with bright affection.
Alright. Maybe yellow isn’t so bad, actually.
#jasicobingochallenge2024#boyfriend sweater#fanfiction#okay so this is mostly actually about Percy and Annabeth BUT BUT BUT. it's the Jasico that matters.#Jasico is the heart of it the crux of it.#so it still counts#I think Percy has a lot of trouble dealing with things that he doesn't perceive as normal from his friends#I think the switch really fucked with him in that regard#He feels like if all of a sudden the people he knows aren't doing the things he knows them to do then maybe he's losing his memory again#maybe something fucked up has happened and he hasn't realized it yet#maybe nico wearing yellow signifies he's grieving because the last time Nico's style drastically changed overnight was when his sister died#i think percy is also WAY too attuned to Nico in general when it comes to his own mental health#I think he immediately jumps the gun on ANYTHING NIco is involved with (hence him immediately arguing when Nico assumes wrong)#I think he and Nico have a fucked up weird friendship where they both hate that they need to know each other the way they do#idk. Annabeth and Jason are holding Percy and Nico's leashes while letting them meet in the most controlled of dog parks#Percy bites first but Nico bites harder kinda deal#ANYWAY#pjo#jason grace#nico di angelo#percy jackson#annabeth chase#jasico#percabeth#hoo
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I just need to be told "You Can Do It" right now.
#I've gotten about 3 hours of sleep within the last 48 hours and I'm still behind in my classes#I don't know how I'm supposed to keep up at this point#Just grinding constantly for hours every waking moment of my life#I'm stuck wondering the same things#'When will it slow down?'... 'Will it actually ever slow down?'#If it doesn't i don't think i can keep up#Full time in college and full time in work#However#every time i try to speak my troubles or stress to someone they just chuckle#and ignore me saying ''well college is like that. welcome to the adult world''#Why does college have to be like this? why is everyone so fine with this?#I'm very unmotivated right now#My grades are all low despite the numerous 100%s I've been getting#And they're not going back up no matter how many A+ s I get on assignments#I don't like talking to people - it scares me terribly#So i don't like it when I'm constantly forced to talk to over 10 people every time i go to school (talk to your professor they say#I like to think of my job at my second home#at least that's not too hard and i love the people#But I just need things to get less intense school-wise#Just for me to get a decent amount of sleep please#Just a little bit#Please#i don't know#I'm not going on hiatus no worries#I love my blog dearly and cannot abandon it for my mental health#I just need encouragement#Because I'm so tired#Sorry for the rant I hate to vent#I'll delete this later if i remember#💬
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nothing fancy because I am tired. super long ramble is in tags
#visceral.png#doodle#played poe2 with siblings#~9 hours in?#and crazy take I still prefer d4#I like the diversity of poe and the builds but#diablo is alllll about the worldbuilding amd lore to me#and I am having trouble with immersing myself into poe#bc diablo does a thing where if you pick up a journal#it reads it#so you can listen while fighting#but in poe if you want to read any lore you have to full stop#and it breaks the immersion for me bc I don't want to have to stand still for a minute to be read a few paragraphs or w/e#like a log system would be nice#but other than poe and my slight dislike of it#(I loveee diablolike games but this one is w/e)#(maybe if the community was less annoying about 'THIS IS BETTER THAN D4' I could like it a little better)#I have been listening to sabaton and powerwolf 👍#mental health is eh.#I feel like I need to sleep for ten years#I am watching a playthrouggh of classic mgs :]#4 hours in !! 3 hours to go#I like it but I'm mad at snake.#psycho mantis is my fav#and I still have elden ring brainrot#SOOOOO EXCITED FOR NIGHTREIGN I ALMOST PUKED#okay that's it I'm going back to watching the mgs playthrough
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like on the one hand language matters and i too sometimes find slang trends annoying and/or concerning and on the other hand sometimes women do actually make jokes and talk shit on the internet with their friends and it is not actually that deep and commentary on phenomena gets to a weird point where i’m like i don’t know how “these idiot losers on the internet using a two to four word phrase they will have moved on from in a year are basically the primary cause of patriarchal oppression” is the feminist take. like sometimes i start to think the plot has been lost.
#girl dinner sort of radicalized me on this#but i recently saw (can’t remember where) a really impassioned and genuinely angry and upset deep reading of ‘i’m just a girl’#which more than anything made me think of the anti taylor swift redditors who think it’s super weird when swifties call her mother#bc they’re online but in that particular reddit way where they’re still offline enough to like. think swifties invented this#and that it came from their troubling psychosexual obsession with taylor swift#and is uniquely revealing of the swiftie mentality#instead of… well i don’t have to explain it to you.#like are there people as accused in wherever i saw this trying to use ‘i’m just a girl’ to dodge accountability or refuse to grow or w/e?#yeah probably. people with bad personalities do all kinds of things!#i don’t really believe in the hypothetical adult woman who would be learning and growing if only she had not encountered#people on the internet saying ‘i’m just a girl’ who gave her permission to thus infantilize herself#i think that’s making up a guy to get mad at. girl to get mad at. whatever.#and like it’s complicated and if for example you said girl math to me i would become the joker instantly….#but…. idk. sometimes it feels weird! sometimes the vibes are off!#also i should be sleeping but i have had the HICCUPS#although working myself up about this seems to have distracted me while they calmed down
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They weren't lying, this psychological recovery journey got hands
#3rd month of taking antidepressants and knowing that There Is something majorly fucked up within me#i feel like im becoming normal bit by bit but also now my other problems become my aparent to me#i started to notice i have this childlike simplistic attitude towards wonder and relationships but also at the same time i understand the#severity of troubles around me on the level of burned out adult#but also it takes me from a week to several years to realize what people meant#and yet sometimes i get everything clearly#there are still ways to go#i still have to find a therapist#cuz psych diagnosed me with BPD; geberal anxiety disorder and ADHD and said i have autism signs that could explain the development of BPD#but all he can do is medical treatment which is not the kind you need for BPD and autism#im not saying you can treat autism but yeah he meant i need a psychotherapist for these instead of psychiatrist#i hope i can complete this mental health journey bcuz i feel like i finally got hit with all the weight of burnout i had all these years#i did some creative work in the august/early september but rn its all touching grass in real world and playing games#like i cook i help my family with chores i play fortnite i clean up my room i go out at 1am to look at the stars#all of my own volition without feeling like i need to push myself to do this#I'm scared that making art is not one of those things#i often have a thought that maybe art isnt really for me and in a perfect world i wouldnt do it#but then why am i so good at it#like...#petrotalk
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Preston x Danse is the only companion ship I think would actually work because Preston’s inner turmoil is sort of a loss of faith in himself due to the traumatic experiences he’s faced while Danse is looking for something to have faith in and would find the fact that despite the desire to give up Preston held out so long not just for the honor of the Minutemen but because he had some hope.
It would 100% start off as a lotta unhealthy on Danse’s side as I believe he completely lacks the emotional intelligence (due to a combination of factors) to recognize the he’s feelings as anything but a sort of respect for a superior along with leaning too much into Preston as a substitute for the BoS. Preston may not really have a title but he’s like THE Lieutenant of the Minutemen. Realistically he’s the only companion Danse would probably be comfortable taking instructions from especially for how trusted Preston is by the Sole Survivor and his adherence to military standards despite how unstructured the Minutemen are. It would be him waiting for orders, approval, anything from Preston and he thinks it’s just the desire to have the regiment of the BoS again but he also like when Preston compliments him on being useful or resourceful. He likes the stories of Minuteman glory days and he trades the stories of the BoS that don’t hurt to talk about. He likes the familiarity Preston would provide and he’d be oblivious that it’s not just new found loyalty to the Minutemen.
Yet Preston explains it himself that he’s not a natural leader. He’s not an instructor. He helps manage what the General has put in place and he content on doing that. He relays what needs to be done and does major upkeep but I don’t think he’d know what to do with this guy this literally marches up to him and practically begs for a mission that doesn’t exist. Like the formality and respect is nice but he can tell it’s covering something even if Danse doesn’t.
Danse could go to Sturges for the many repair and upkeep assignments he gives him and has the freedom to go straight to the Castle if he really wants a big mission, but he chooses to come to him everytime. He’s aware enough that Danse only trusts him out of all of the Generals confidantes but it would take a bit for him to understand why. If anything Danse should be strategizing with him as equals seeing as he almost got the Minuteme wiped out and Danse was a Paladin for the Brotherhood with many successes under his belt before Preston even led his first scouting mission. It’s like he sees him as some figure of hope, some one who can come in and add stability. Someone with a fresh outlook who can provide a new perspective for him.
It’s like he sees him like he saw/sees the Sole Survivor but that would be crazy because that would also mean… and then oh, it clicks.
The revelation is both flattering and he doesn’t know what to do with it cause how do you address “I know you respect me but is that the only feeling you have for me?” To the guy who like refuses to rest unless you tell him at ease? He has to reevaluate his whole manner of interaction with Danse cause this is a very slippery slope that he’s sliding down and it’s even more perilous due to Danse’s repressed emotions regarding… everything. There’s an equal chance Danse will try to open up as completely shut down and he’s not just concerned about it cause Sole Survivor cares for him but because he has grown to care for the guy too. It’s not like he doesn’t also enjoy Danse’s company and value as a Minuteman member. He’s not a love at first sight guy but he’s played with the idea, anyone would when you’ve spent nights trading stories, historical facts and beers by the fire in a little home you’ve carved for yourself through literal blood, sweat and tears.
I think it’s one of those cases where it’s agonizingly slow to the actual relationship but neither part are anguished about that. If anything happened to soon Danse would be too dependent and Preston not equipped to handle it. It’s a case where I genuinely think they’d bring out the best in each other cause theyd want to figure out what is best for the other and not just apply what they think is the best. It’s the care that Preston would ask Danse what he wants to do and encourage it and at the same time Danse would be incredulous everytime Preston second guesses himself.
Long story short it’s a good ship to me because it’s just two guys with broken confidences and faith in their roles being each other’s hype man and kissin a little about it.
#my thing with the other ships is less that the compatibility is bad but a lot of these characters would not enable the best behavior in eac#other or they want drasticlu different things in life or partners and while flings or non serious things would work long term I imagine#problems would arise that a lot of them would not know how to address with each other like Preston is the most well adjusted besides like#Piper. I’d say Nick but he has the whole I’m technically another guy thing going on and DiMA and he’s a workaholic and throws himself into#danger a lot if Ellie is to be believed so like Piper is the closest next to Preston#a lot of these people should not be in relationships rn honestly because they have barely worked through their issues and should learn to b#health mentally and physically and emotionally alone first as they cling to hard to SoSu#like it’s almost all of them but like Piper Preston and MacCready but RJ is also just kinda a dick but we knows he’s always been like that#Preston x Danse is till more so a like this develops slowly and Danse doesn’t know why his stomach hurts when Preston doesn’t include him i#his patrol squad for the day and blames it on feeling like he’s being excluded for not being good at it and Preston excluding him cause he’#like I need you to do something for yourself of of your own volition but also his buddy deserves a break and does not get that Danse is lik#a work dog that constantly needs a task or he becomes neurotic#I have so many thoughts on the compatibility of the companions cause some of them are like fun partners and fwbs and others would have the#most heartbreaking toxic romances known to man but still get over it the next day and be fwbs like none of them have healthy feelings#Preston x Danse#dunno if they have a ship name#fo4#preston garvey#fallout#fallout 4#paladin danse#danse#Danse’s active flirting is like ‘you know how to perfectly create a secure perimeter I have trouble believing it wasn’t just bad timing and#luck with the misfortune that followed your group to concord Lieutenant Garvey’ and it’s like the most reassuring thing Preston has heard#but that is like not a flirty thing but Presont is still smitten by it cause what the fuck does this guy see in him or why is he suxking up#to him and his poor planning skills
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Welp, the ref lineup still isn’t done cause I haven’t drawn Shion yet, and the belated valentines I’ve been working on are gonna be like at least a month late cause I just planned three more, but what I did do these past couple weeks is start writing a fanfic and then immediately abandon it to go draw a bunch of only tangentially-related suzutsubas (except for that first pic; that’s a scene from it, albeit one I haven’t written yet), only half of which are fit for public posting (one of ‘em I could make a few edits and feel ok about posting sometime; it’s not that out there, it’s just, y’know. Hamal Cine Bad End Hyperbolic Torture Chamber. I’m usually very “whatever happens happens” about my art but if I don’t show some restraint I know I’ll end up stuck in there forever), but hey, since I’ve been teasing them for ages and finally have some finished stuff with them, take a couple Suzumii! Also gonna ramble abt headcanons under the cut (and it will be LONG)
To begin, a note abt my Len’en gender/pronoun headcanons: as a they/them preferrer myself, I’m thrilled that most people just stick with those for everyone, but I’ve developed some more detailed headcanons as I go through working on designs and I’ll generally be using those. Don’t worry though, most of them are still nonbinary and basically all of them are trans/gq. Relevant ones for this post are Tsubakura: they/them nonbinary (transmasc to some degree) and Suzumi: cis female, question mark?? (to be elaborated on); for clarity’s sake I usually use she/her for Arde and Hamal Cine individually and plural they for the system collectively (also I don’t usually use their nicknames, dunno why), but singular they for Benet (the wiki says Benny is probably short for Benetnasch so I’m assuming that’s their actual name) for reasons which will also be elaborated on (sort of).
Aaalso this clearly isn’t autobiographical or anything but I think I’m subconsciously putting a lot of myself into Suzumi because 1) we do look pretty similar (brown wavy bob + blue eyes) and 2) given their current status as both the main antagonist and the most well-known plural Len’en character (I get the impression that Hooaka also being plural isn’t super common knowledge; I mean it took me several read-throughs of their wiki page and their dialogue with BPoHC Secret Team to get what they were getting at lol) I am probably way too anxious about doing a bad stereotype. Just an observation and also probably partially why I’ve even ended up with so much headcanon for them in the first place
And before I get into the thick of it, notes on derivations from canon: I’m running with the assumption that Suzumi being a system is a relatively recent development tied to whatever incident it was that caused the falling-out, since Tsubakura is like the only person who seems at all familiar with Hamal (including Mitori/Chouki/Fumikado, but they’re more easily explained away as just having met with one of the other alters the few times they’ve interacted) even though she’s supposedly usually the one fronting. They don’t seem to know the mechanics of it though, judging by their confusion when Arde implied that she and Hamal are different people. So basically, I’ll be referring to pre-incident Suzumi as a different character from any of the other three. (Ngl I am very influenced by Dissociation Constant on that and just in general [when will my wife The One and Only Suzutsuba Fic return from the war…..]) I was also debating whether to have Suzumi have any history with the gang before starting to work at the lab/whether stuff would happen around high school or college age, cause they keep referring to everything happening “a long time ago” and I know I, a 24-year-old, feel like stuff that happened five years ago was like yesterday, but I do have the pandemic and not really doing much of anything for most of that time to reckon with so like, eh. College age makes more sense in my head and so does the dynamic of like, Suzumi was only introduced into the friend group (she was acquainted w Hoojiro and Yabu already though bc lab) because she was dating Tsubakura and since that ended, and badly (understatement of the century), they have extremely little reason to be civil with each other and also interacting at all is really awkward.
Ok now on with it! Either end of high school or beginning of college, Suzumi ends up interning at Tsubakura’s lab for college credit (Tsuba’s already practically a department head despite being like 17 or something because. Idk. Who even knows what’s up with them) and she’s like. Only wears t-shirts and jeans (bought a bunch of khakis for this job though), [reading] glasses from the men’s section, hates leaving her hair down (it’s lab safety anyways). Repressed queer in denial, you know the type. Starts interacting a lot with Mx. Tsubakura “wears short shorts that everybody thinks are actually a skirt and also uses ore and omae almost exclusively” Enraku who seems to have everything all figured out and is immediately starstruck (GIRL WHY?? they are such a mess). Lots of “do I want to date them or do I want to be them” confusion (this will be relevant later); eventually evolves into the “am I trans or just a lesbian” question (not that they would need to be attracted to women to be into Tsubakura but you get the picture), which never quite gets answered.
In any case, they do eventually start dating (Tsubakura thinks she’s cute and smart so they reciprocate), and they’re not like super great together cause Tsubakura is emotionally constipated at the best of times (Suzumi’s into that though) and neither of them are the most mentally/emotionally healthy people even back then and also Tsubakura is more or less Suzumi’s boss which is weird, but they’re kind of ok??? Tsubakura’s mom dies at some point, also they move in together (college housing is expensive), the rest of the crew at the very least tolerate Suzumi, etcetera.
And then…! [insert catastrophic event here]!! I don’t have a shot to call on this yet cause I have no idea what it could’ve been (and I’m sure it’ll get revealed at some point anyways); I’m just banking on it being something extremely not mundane and something where you could reasonably set the blame on either (or neither) party cause they sure both seem convinced the other is way worse, huh! In Tsubakura’s case at least, blaming Suzumi is partially a defense mechanism so their self-loathing doesn’t get the better of them over it (guess what the fic was supposed to be about, lol).
The worst part of all this business though is that they DON’T break up over it immediately and it just makes everything orders of magnitude worse for everyone involved. Tsubakura and Arde have hate sex MORE THAN ONCE………… they would both really rather forget about it. Hamal thinks it’s hilarious, ofc, but the less said about her, the better. And Benet… exists??? The only idea that I’m running off of for them atm is the observation that I think they’re the only character with flat black eyes other than Tsubakura/Tsurubami and the subsequent idle thought, “hey if someone malded so hard about a breakup that they ended up with an introject of their ex would that be messed up or what?” So make of that what you will. (Oh and it may have been obvious that this is what I was going for but Hamal is femme and Arde is butch and they’re constantly squabbling abt aesthetic presentation. Having Arde be straight-up male would’ve been too straightforward of an interpretation and I think it’s funnier this way)
The canonically mentioned murder attempts start taking place and I’m leaning towards Tsubakura eventually being convinced to move out even though it was originally their apartment, albeit mostly just because the wikipedia page for house sparrows mentions that they’re known to take over swallows’ nests, usually after they’ve been abandoned, but they will sometimes drive away or kill the current occupants, and that was a very fun fact to come across when specifically doing research for Len’en but idk how else to incorporate it lol. And so on and so forth up until the present time.
Uhhh is that all I have atm? I think so! Anyway, I think I finally shook out all my suzutsuba doodles (and rambling, though I do still have that fic to work on. idk whether I’ll be able to finish it though; I started strong with an extended metaphor in the middle but Iiiii’m not sure if I can successfully write my way up to it while making it make sense. Also I may draw pretty slow but I write even slower!! Eh I’m sure I’ll post some of it sometime) for the time being so I should theoretically be able to finish up my bigger projects now. Maybe I’ll have the valentines ready in time for white day? We’ll see!
#art#len’en#tsubakura enraku#suzumi kuzu#suzutsuba#btw sorry if that’s like not the right ship name lol I saw like one person use it but there’s not much in the tag but that might just be#bcuz ppl don’t seem to make much for it anyways#digital#I should probably ask for len’en discord recommendations sometime soon just given the Circumstances#namely if tumblr actually goes down the drain but also so my little sister doesn’t have to keep watching me have a mental breakdown live#(hi Val!!)#briefly looked into the wiki’s server but that has A THOUSAND MEMBERS?? scary…..#ough FINALLY this post took me like a full day to write#also of note: these are essentially silly little doodles and I got kind of lazy with them#and I still don’t know how to draw Tsubakura’s hat or hair…..#idk why I’ve been having so much trouble differentiating how I draw Suzumi and Tsubakura’s hair but I have and it’s weird
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I promise this is a conversation I will have in therapy
( @ohitshoneybee and @bowersbubbles )
#i did have one of them download the mod that puts minthara in act two regardless of what you did with the grove#i need to look up if you can still recruit her without passing that check with zrell to get her to spare minthara#one of these days I'll get them to be the legion of doom with her shart and astarion#you'll never have a more goated lineup#anyways being an oathbreaker paladin of shar has been a ball#i promise i'm not a bad person i'm just mentally ill#fishgills speaks#fishgills plays bg3#bg3#baldur's gate 3#minthara baenre#when i say i have anger regulation issues#i mean that i don't know how to express it properly since being angry meant getting in trouble as a kid#so instead of blowing up at people i do war crimes and world domination in video games and fanfics i write
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here's a guzbug i doodled to fend off a random anxiety attack tonight djdksl, featuring my creachersona :]
(i referenced a pose base for this one!)
#i do not remember if i actually ever mentioned the whole nonhuman thing 🧍#anyways hi guess who figured that out about themself a few months ago 😀 <- agony LMAO#its not in an o.therkin way or a th.erian but a secret third way (secret third way: as a part in a system LOL)#sooo . it doesnt rly change anything. just makes some brain things make sense now LOL#i am still the same as ever! i just have things more figured out mentally :]#i will still be drawing regular ol human version of s/i for the most part but sometimes its fun to draw the beaft version :3#(btw i love o.therkin and th.erians 🫶 those just are not labels that describe me personally!)#anyways uhhmmm 🫵😐 don't be weird about this or I'll blow us all to hell. okay? okay. SBDHDJSL IM NERVOUS SORRY LOL#dandy.cmd#💜so good at being in trouble#doodlebug.png
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#if every single fuckup I’ve ever made this year at work could not come to light all at once#that would be so fucking stellar#😑😑😑😑😑😑😑😑😑😑😑😑😑#my mental health is really struggling to survive blow after weekly blow#mistakes are normal#but I get marked up on each one and if I have too many at one time that gets me in serious trouble with work#and these are all mistakes I made months and even in one case YEARS ago#this is kind of the fucking worst actually 🥲🥲🥲🥲🥲🥲#talk#vent#ALSO it’s super fucked that this all happens THE MOMENT a position for the promotion I’ve been trying to get for over a year opens up#they never open these positions up for some reason and I was told at the beginning of the year I should be in that position#and then 8 fucking months goes by and they don’t offer a position and then!!!#when they FINALLY DO!!!!#error. error. error. error. error. error.#SO FUCKED UP#I’m so upset#I’ve been crying about this for like a month straight and it doesn’t stop#and I’m not making any NEW mistakes!!!#it’s all shit from earlier this year!!!!#it’s so awful knowing that even if I don’t make a single mistake for a full year moving forward I could still end up with my job on the line#because old shit keeps popping up#it’s a nightmare for real
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Ven please, I'm begging you to go to therapy. Your posts hurt me so much cause I recognize myself and people I've loved in them and I always wanna say smth to make you feel better but I know from experience that that only helps for a little while or doesn't help at all or can even make things worse. But you don't have to suffer like this forever!! You can get better and there is help!! And as a fellow pmdd sufferer you can get help with that too. Idk how you feel about medication but going on birth control continuously so you never have periods or using antidepressants or mood stabilizers just for the two nightmare weeks after ovulation can help so much. Please please please I worry about you and I know you can have a good life if you get help! you're beautiful and creative and you have everything you need you just have to figure out how to access it and use it and I know you can do it. I know your F/Os would want you to and I know your future real life S/Os who are waiting for you would want you to too. You deserve to be happy instead of feeling like a ghost all the time.
Thank you anon I appreciate the concern, feel a little bit embarrassed about oversharing now but you know what...sometimes you just have to say it out loud somewhere. As you would know the nature of the disorder means there's often not much that can be done in terms of talking myself out of the way it feels cause biology is so (detrimentally) overpowering and intensifies other mental health issues and generally all pre-existing negative feelings about ones' existence. The ghost analogy is apt and I've often used this to describe how I relate to life and connecting with others. now idk if I can overcome myself and thrive but maybe I could switch some things up and see if it makes it suck a little less
I was on ssris constantly for years previously (edit: and therapy on and off) before I stopped taking them but your ask has me considering intermittent dosing even if I dislike the side effects just to see what happens. I thought I could just grit my teeth and bare it (put myself to sleep between being wracked by ugly crying as I cannot stand being conscious in my own mind) every month in lieu of meds but maybe I can't rawdog slog through dark funhouse mirror evil pmdd reality on my own/shouldn't feel that I have to in order to not "lose"
I was very touched by your reaching out and compassionately disagreeing with me (lol) and it means a lot from another person with pmdd. It helps to think someone out there sees the value in me as I am right now, and that someone else is also fighting their own good fight. When you said I have everything I need I just have to figure out how to access it and use it and you know I can do it you sound just like my grandma. (<3)
#ik my f/os would probs be lowkey SICK!!! of dealing with my unstable self every month when I become neurotic and need them to tell me#that they actually wouldn't prefer to break up with me and find someone easier to deal with. that they actually do find me easy 2 love. etc#the brainfog. the fatigue. the plummeting mood lows. the sensitivity/agitation. the walls closing in. 🙄#ig the best imagine I could hope for is that they also track my cycle and try and distract me in positive ways#and just be patient and understanding and kind. even w the sadness and rejection sensitivity and low self worth :')#also I'm scared of what if I do all strategies and I still cannot make something of myself. I still have mental health issues. forever.#would I still be worthy of being loved? Would someone still choose me? lol...anyways#or what if it wasn't pmdd or depression or something. what if it all gets fixed and I still get nowhere. then it's just Me that's unworthy#anyway prozac probs beats lying in bed non stop thinking I should have kms'd when I was 15 and saved myself all this trouble lol#tw suicidal ideation#tw periods
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i very rarely get a sense of satisfaction from completing tasks. ive heard people say this is an ADHD thing, but idk. personally i think i might just be bad at being alive
#anime life#i wish i could do something for myself but it just feels so hollow. like why fucking bother yknow?#i wrote a lot of my fic Book of Red Murder and then started to lose steam#and i thought maybe posting it would encourage me to finish it#and it did at first#but then there wasn't a lot of readership or energy around it#which like. is fine and not weird. it's not a big deal and it's not like it's something im OWED#and also i had. a bit of a mental breakdown and had to stop being active in the fandom#so now DEFINITELY no one's gonna read it lol#idk i feel bad even posting about it because i don't want anyone to feel bad or like im trying to guilt anyone about it#i just have trouble articulating what i feel and why and it helps me to try to reason it out#no one did anything wrong but i think it's still understandable for me to say that i was discouraged#when it felt like people didn't really like my writing. or. to be honest. me as a person#i guess the lesson here (if there is one at all) is that if you like a fic you should probably tell the person writing it
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Man I wonder where the leader of the fear realm could've gone, it's alMOST LIKE NEVIN HAS AN
#had to re-edit the image real quick because the original edit was from a post I made about Drew years ago#and while the Drew thing is becoming less and less likely. Nevin havinv one has basically been canon since#someone mentioned Greg's (was it Britney's) aura being familiar in s2ch1. ive been putting together a list of every line#that points to Nevin's aura throughout the whole thing (most from s2ch1 but then s2ch10 came out and it was really canon at that point)#but clearly i'm running out of time to say ''i fucking called it'' before it's explicitly stated and i dont want to be in another situation#where somebody else will beat me to a theory and me posting anything about it will seem like copying them. sorry about that btw i had#thought i had already mentioned theorizing that nevin was possessed by a demon in that old theory i made but i had forgotten that one was#super old and was about sigma. so no copying there i just got extremely paranoid there was a mention of a cult and i was like ''nuh uh#that's way too specific and out there of a detail to end up in both our theories'' and i forgot the rest of my super old post was outdated#as hell. and echos had gone ''yeah they're so similar!'' and i took their word for it but now i'm realizing they were probably just trying#to be supportive. so yeah no copying there i was just beaten to the punch of saying something. but i will NOT back down from the aura shit#because i have been calling that shit FROM THE START or at least since i started reading ibvs back when ch20 came out.#also not backing down from saying chris was the worse friend because these past few chapters are the first time isaac has done anything tha#could knowingly upset chris meanwhile chris has. let edward drag isaac to the lair after isaac said edward would beat him up. chose not to#believe edward was holding the secrets over their heads because 'it was something isaac had said' and then immediately distrusted edward in#the next chapter because a random person he didn't know said to steal a book (might i mention how that entire scene proves chris' lack of#development and refusal to take responsibility because it perfectly alludes to when chris had brought those fireworks into his old school#and makes me wonder if charlie has actually gotten him in trouble with his past schools or if he's still just not taking responsibility#and if him following nevin to the woods to test out their powers is an extension of ''if something bad happens its not my fault''#like seriously this man would bring a mysterious suitcase onto a plane if he's told to). uh what was i talking about agai#anyway on a related note my mental state has only gotten worse since i left tumblr and the habit of thinking about chris instead of sleepin#or doing schoolwork has not stopped. so i was still failing for a while and might graduate now but am still staying away from tumblr.#so yeah this was a little update and im not going to linger this time im just going to leave tumblr again right after hitting post#addendum because i just can't let things go. and was thinking about chris again. i don't think his lack of development is because of bad#writing (anymore. i used to.). instead i'm certain his character arc is going to continue into him following someone (nevin probably) into#doing something really bad. and then he'll finally get actual consequences and go 'oh shit i fucked up real bad this time'#if you think that theory is reaching too far into the future you should hear mine about isaac dying at the end lmao
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