half-assed-movie-reviews

[half-assed-movie-reviews]

Morbius (2022)

morbed my pants in the theater :(

Final Score: 1/5 stars

[half-assed-movie-reviews]

Uncut Gems (2019)

This review will contain spoilers. I despise this movie with my entire being and I need to make sure everyone knows exactly why I hate it. If for whatever ungodly reason you want to watch this movie blind I urge you not to, but I understand some people are sadistic like that so who am I to stop you. However, there will be spoilers beyond this point so keep reading at your own risk. 

I can’t explain in simple terms why this movie pisses me off so much. Its themes aren’t that bad but god I don’t think I could ever sit through this movie ever again. Perhaps it’s the excruciating, mentally devastating way they tried to communicate their message. Following are my barely coherent rants about different aspects of the movie I can recall:

Use of Color: This is one of the few aspects of the movie I feel comfortable praising. I love a strong color palette in movies and Uncut Gems stuck to its dark, grungy color palette that suits the tone of the film well. It does get heavy on the eyes after awhile, but that’s more so a criticism of the film’s length than the colors (which I will certainly lose my shit about later in the review)

Acting: Adam Sandler really sold the role of a desperate, disheveled business owner. Something about the man makes him so easy to pity even when he’s the most obnoxious guy in the entire movie. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t have beef with Adam, I’m sure he’s a lovely man and I enjoy some of his romcoms but he does an exceptional job at becoming the most pathetic man in the world in this film. I am still undecided on whether that is a compliment of his acting or diss on his character but regardless it suited him well in this context.

Here’s the parts of the film that I cared for significantly less:

The Script: The dialogue for this movie isn’t unnatural or even really bad, it’s just painfully annoying. Like by the end of the movie if I heard one more word spoken with a thick Brooklyn accent I would deck them on the fucking spot. The movie is just cluttered with this realistic, messy, argumentative dialogue that it feels like watching your parents fight for 2 hours and 15 exhausting minutes. Eventually you just begin to tune out Adam Sandler’s helpless cries and with that, the themes of the movie also get lost. I feel like the movie’s message about the pitfalls of capitalism is great in theory, but after hearing people fight for nearly the entire duration of the film my mind is so numb that I don’t even care what the movie is trying to say anymore.

Runtime: These are the longest 2 hours and 15 minutes of your entire life. You will be struggling to pay attention as Adam runs around begging people for forgiveness and when you check how much time is left, your heart will sink as you see another 55 minutes on the runtime. It’s too late to back out, you’re already entrenched in Adam’s unholy creation. So you dig in and tank through the rest of the movie. By the time the helicopter flies over to the casino and Adam makes his bank, you don’t feel anything at all. You don’t care for this man. Your eyes burn at the site of his face, his voice grates away at your soul. There is nothing you desire more in that moment than for the credits to roll. You even feel a little relief watching him finally get shot. You won’t have to hear from him again for the remaining 15 minutes. God rest your soul, Adam. May you find forgiveness in his grace for the pain in which this movie caused others.

I should be clear. I don’t hate Adam, or the Safdie Brothers, or anyone else. I hate this movie. My hatred is purely directed towards this film for putting me through 2 hours of New Yorkers yelling at each other, and towards the pretentious film critics for giving it a 90% on Rotten Tomatoes. I think the themes were thoughtful and could have been great in a movie, but unfortunately there’s too much detracting from Uncut Gems for me to even begin to care about what the film is trying to say. Final Score: 1.5/5 stars. I wanted to like it, Adam. I’m so sorry

[half-assed-movie-reviews]

Everything Everywhere All At Once (2022)

I really like this movie. I don’t know if it’s just because I associate it with a sentimental moment in my life, or if it’s really profound, or if it’s a comfort movie for me, but regardless, this movie is what love feels like to me. That being said, I could not explain the plot in a remotely coherent manner. To some extent, this movie is just a smoothie of emotions whipped together with an occasional scene that I can somewhat recall. Perhaps this is an indication that I should rewatch the film before shouting my opinion about it to the broader internet, but if I were to do that, I would need to change my url to full-assed-movie-reviews, and personally I am not prepared for the responsibility of being double-cheeked up like that. Here are some of the highlights I can recall from the movie:

Acting: The cast for this movie does an exceptional job of making people care about the character they’re portraying. With many movies, it’s easy to get disengaged from the plot simply due to the dry, crusty performances delivered by the actors involved, but even the slow parts of this movie had my attention fully locked in. I felt like I knew Michelle Yeoh personally and I wanted nothing more than to see her correct her accounting errors with the IRS. I realize this is obviously a joint effort between the writers, directors, and actors, but I think the performances from nearly the entire staff were incredibly emotional and moving in a way many films don’t even begin to achieve.

Themes: This movie highlights several different ideologies throughout its runtime, which is really fun to watch. If you’re like me in the sense that your critical thinking skills get dulled while watching movies, it’s especially fun because you will think “yeah that’s based” every time the film presents a new philosophy, only for them to denounce it a few minutes later. It makes me feel a little stupid but damn if I didn’t go through major character development during those 2 hours and 19 minutes. I think my ultimate takeaway from the movie is that there is no rational way to make sense of life, and the only appropriate response to the natural cruelty of the universe is to counter it with love. Personally I think that’s based as hell, but if you’re less idealistic that may rub you the wrong way. 

Music: I think the music in this movie is exceptionally pretty, and adds to the emotional moments in the film. Can I name a single song from the movie? No. I haven’t even bumped the soundtrack since watching it. But I like it and I think any song with piano is automatically the most beautiful song ever written.

Story: I love how the movie focuses on a small family despite the existential scale of the plot. It really reinforces the message of how painfully insignificant we are in the grand scheme of things, but how important it is to show love and be loved nonetheless. Obviously I don’t plan on spoiling the details of the film in my review but I think the writers did an outstanding job at making the scope of the plot simultaneously inconceivably large and deeply small and intimate. I will not elaborate just watch it please

There really isn’t much to say for negative aspects of the movie. I will attempt to criticize it regardless but I cherish this movie with all my heart:

The Name: Bro I get that it’s quirky and indie and such but Jesus Christ shorten the name of the movie. I be out here copying and pasting the name so I don’t have to write it out again. I feel stupid talking about this movie because the name of the film is an entire sentence on its own. I know this is a surface level criticism but it bothers me so cry about it

Rewatching: This movie could definitely use a few rewatches to get a solid grasp on its entire message. This isn’t really a negative, in fact, I’m sure many people will feel that it adds value to the movie. This is only really a downside when you’re attempting to review the movie online 3 months after seeing it without rewatching it, or if you simply can’t afford to go to the theater a second time. But this can also be a major plus, since there’s so much more you can get out of the movie even if you’ve already seen it twice or three times.

Overall, this film means a lot to me and I value its bold effort to address inconceivably large ideas, while still maintaining the warmth and comfort of a traditional character study. It is an incredibly daunting concept that the film pulled off just right, which secures it a strong spot as one of my favorite movies I’ve seen so far. At the moment, it is ranked #3 out of 92 movies on my list of every film I’ve seen, and I think it may hold that spot for a long time.

Final score: 5/5 stars. Possibly a life changing experience go watch it right now 

[half-assed-movie-reviews]

Titanic (1997)

Although it doesn’t quite contend for a spot as one of my favorite films, Titanic certainly stands out as a beautiful film with stunning cinematography and thoughtful use of bold colors, as well as a fairly engaging plot to keep the audience’s attention. I can certainly understand why some people obsess over this movie. If I had to choose a favorite part of the movie, I would probably pick the scene where Jack says “It’s titanic time!” and spins the captain’s wheel, ultimately causing the ship to hit an iceberg and sinking the entire boat. Here I will provide a short list of my favorite aspects of the movie:

Cinematography: I think the movie did a really good job of using interesting camera angles. It uses several wide shots to show the size and beauty of the boat, and a lot of quick cuts and lower angles during action scenes to convey suspense and adrenaline. This is definitely one of the movie’s biggest strengths and it helped keep my attention throughout the film’s runtime.

Use of color: The film was very tasteful with the way it used color and filters to contrast different scenes. The romantic scenes used warm, bold colors while the sadder and more suspenseful scenes used very cool color palettes, which emphasized the progression of the story and helped evoke strong emotions from the audience. This is definitely a common James Cameron W.

Plot: Although I didn’t find the characters to be the most interesting people ever, the plot is still fairly solid and adds to the movie. I hate to say it but sometimes it’s more fun to watch a boat sink when Leo DiCaprio and Kate Winslet are smooching every 30 minutes or so. I think they could’ve made the characters a little deeper considering they had 3 whole hours to develop them (trust me I’ll get to that) but overall it was still a fun little love story. That being said, I think it was a little rude of them to make Jack’s preppy ass steal Rose from Cal. Considering Cal is the only man in the entire movie wearing edgy e-boy eyeliner, it definitely sends a message that emo boys don’t get bitches, which is a harmful stereotype that plagues our modern discourse. This only reinforces my belief that e-boys are the most oppressed group in society.

Creative Liberties: I think generally speaking, the areas in which the film differs from the true events of the Titanic are justifiable and only add to the movie. I don’t think the part of the movie where Jack lifts up Rose on the bow of the ship would’ve hit the same if a crew member pulled up and said “sorry guys no passengers are allowed up here”. It just generally made the movie more beautiful and none of the changes really minimized the tragedy that occurred in real life. The only choice I found a little odd was when Jack said “rip bozo lmao” when the captain’s quarters flooded and drowned the captain, but I can certainly see what James Cameron was going for with that scene so it didn’t bother me too much. Overall I didn’t dislike any of the unhistorical additions to the film too much and I think they are all understandable.

Generally speaking I liked a lot more aspects of the movie than I disliked, but there are still a few small points that I think are worth mentioning that made me like the film a little less:

The Runtime: 3 hours and 15 minutes. My Brother in Christ is one eighth of an entire day. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t always dislike long movies and I think they can be justified in some circumstances, but it’s still difficult to sit still for that long regardless of how good the movie is. I liked Titanic and all, but after 3 hours I felt like if I ever heard Leo DiCaprio’s smug ass voice again I’d punch a hole through my TV.  I don’t think Titanic necessarily made terrible use of its runtime, but I still think they could’ve done more with the characters during that time. Maybe give more insight into Jack and Rose’s pasts or something, or maybe make Jack and Cal kiss #pride idk. It’s just that if I need to take 2 bathroom breaks during a movie I want it to be really worth it.

The Music: Don’t get me wrong, I thought the music during the movie was overall really good. However, what pissed me off is that they sampled that one Celine Dion song so much throughout the movie but NEVER played the part with vocals. She goes absolutely ape on that song you can’t just cut that part out. Bro I want Celine Dion just absolutely belting My Heart Will Go On while the boat sinks that’d be so awesome why didn’t they use that part of the song. Mr James Cameron please you need to fix this.

Overall, I liked a lot more about the movie than I disliked. I understand why it’s a classic and it’s definitely a movie I would rewatch at times. So long as you have a good attention span and some snacks on hand I’d definitely recommend watching it if you have a free afternoon; there’s a lot to enjoy about it. Maybe make it a date night or something idk. After some deliberation I ranked it at #27 out of 92 on my list of every movie I’ve seen, which is actually really solid considering it placed right below My Neighbor Totoro and Full Metal Jacket. 

Final Score: 3.5/5 stars. You should watch this movie I like the part where they’re on a boat