#still figuring out my gender tbh
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its pride month toby. you know what that means.
(i had to look up that reference because apparently it’s a reference and i still don’t get the reference but that’s okay)
YO? I FORGOT??
this month is dedicated to the queers, guys 🔥‼️💕🎉 (insert confetti popping and celebration)
now, my goal for this month, gotta decide and figure out what my gender really is…. ‼️
am i a transmasc boy? or am i some type of gender-fluid that’s not connected to feeling feminine?
try again later for a real answer ‼️ ‘cause i don’t know yet ^^
but i do know that i’m demiromantic and aegosexual, those are for sure.
HAPPY PRIDE MONTH, EVERYONE!!!
___
#general#answer post#turned into a ramble probably?#pride month#happy pride month ‼️💕🎉#demiromantic guy over here 💪#still figuring out my gender tbh#he/him it/it’s pronouns rock ‼️💕#(those are my preferred pronouns)
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Hewwo friends 💖💖💖 Been having a lot of thoughts recently and I think I wanna experiment with just going by they/he 👉👈 I'm gonna leave my profiles and stuff as is for now but I just wanna test out how this feels for myself, if y'all dont mind 🥺
#also not gonna lie. lowkey side-eyeing it/its. like this 👀#but yeah this is my little announcement! ive been feeling very weird abt gender and tbh im still figuring out what will make me happy#so im giving this a try. we will see how i feel abt it 👉👈#ruby rambles
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looking through my old messages is so traumatizing i want to go back in time and kick myself in the stomach like what possessed you...
#biggest “WHY WOULD YOU SAY THAT” moment in my life tbh#the only thing that didnt make me cringe is me calling my brother a “mayo snorting goblin”#2020 me kinda ate that up#2021-2022 was def something tbh#i wore pink cat ears. i think thats all you need to know#ohh this is def going to keep my dumbass awake at night#ı was cringe but i was free and im proud of past me for that#it was one of my worst years but like... kick ass#<- by worst i mean mentally horrid in a way that changed me forever#speaking of 2021-2022.. my old chosen names were absolutely CRIMINAL#the first one was felony (which i still kinda dig but in a cunty way) the second one was ciel which i think is cool#but heres the bomb: one of my old chosen names was cereal. CEREAL#i think ted takes the cake tho. what evil soul possessed me to choose ted as a name#also constantine waa one of my old names which is actually fucking awesome#eıhjfjfjf i have a science exam tomorrow and im on tumblr infodumping about 2021 me uhhhf#i jumped through so many hoops to get to this blog#2020 somehow knew something transgender was going down and decided to get a haircut and boom. gender#DYSPHORIA THAT IS GET PRANKED LOSER#shout out to 2020 me for figuring out whats up#not sorry about the incoherent screaming. im autistic and i am full of violence
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i think i might start identifying with the label demigirl. bigender doesn't really feel accurate anymore. i feel like this is partially red's fault. her gender being lesbian has had a significant impact on the system.
#alice specifically speaking on my personal gender identity not our collective identity#our collective gender identity is nonbinary but we all experience that in different ways#honestly feels weird afaik all the hosts b4 me were trans men#i feel like i approached my trans identity from the opposite direction#like i didnt grow up connected to womanhood or anything like that#tbh i have barely any of those peoples memories at all. im four years old. most of my memories are of the last four years#rp actually helped me figure out the feminine aspect of my identity im not gonna lie#i still feel like bigender is... sorta accurate? my gender has two layers and the one i primarily present as is feminine#for me being masculine around people feels like im being vulnerable and i rarely feel comfy doing that in public spaces
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🎤 🎤 🎤
a song that i associate with my muse meme!
AHH, hey, ramone!! thank you for sending in this prompt :D since you sent in three of the mic's, i shall now be treating you to three songs that make me think of blamore when i hear them / that i associate with it. an explanation of why i chose them will be in the tags <3
hozier - who we are.
youtube
icehouse - crazy.
youtube
depeche mode - personal jesus.
youtube
#IT WAS PROBABLY NOTHING BUT IT FELT LIKE THE WORLD: musings.#asks - answered.#ooc post.#okay but ESPECIALLY heavy on the last one because it literally all about the idea of someone that people can turn to in hard times-#like a god or a prophet who will listen to your plights and help you + who you should believe in. and i say this because one major theme-#to blamore's character is the concept of being a false prophet and someone who essentially unfortunately takes advantage of people's-#longing for things to get better in gotham. bc i feel like a lot of people there have either been failed by the system by other's or-#possibly both and this is so that blamore can get people to voluntarily want to consume the 'seeds' it distributes in order to uhh...#well purge gotham of its undesirables basically as terrible as that sounds. but yeah that depeche mode song? it's such a good one for-#him and definitely has helped me before to write things related to him since blamore does sometimes believe in its own hubris.#but as for the second one by icehouse that one i associate with it because although it doesn't exactly consider itself to fully identify-#with the label of being a 'man' i feel as if blamore will still talk about itself that way sometimes. its relationship with its gender-#is honestly a little bit complicated NGL because him using it/its pronouns as well is something blamore adopted recently even-#though he'd always sort of felt like disconnected and/or like it didn't really align with how he saw himself completely. BUT yeahhh#i honestly could start a whole discussion about that but i shall do that another time perhaps ahah. anyhow though besides that-#elephant in the room ever since it has transformed into this half-human half-plant monster being... although it does love any partners-#it has very much (trust me) i feel like it does wonder why they chose to be with him more often than he'd like to admit.#so that's where the whole 'crazy' part comes in and as for the hozier song that song is about how you kind of have to carve through-#this 'darkness' to rediscover ourselves and who we want to be as a result of going through a rough time or just something tough in-#general and that is SO freaking fitting in my opinion for blamore because it definitely had to completely reframe the way it thought-#about itself when it transformed. and he also had to figure out what he believed in / what his values were now which can be suchhh-#a messy process TBH but this isn't the first time that blamore's had to rediscover itself as life is honestly kind of this ongoing-#process of losing yourself and trying to find yourself again you know? but yeah. i hope you enjoyed my explanation here tehe <3#and also that you enjoy the tunes!!
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Just saw an irl picture of you after months of following and holy moly you’re super cute! And at this point anyone who misgenders you must be blind or a jerk because you really don’t look masculine at all(if you don’t mind me saying).
thank uuu u honestly i generally get decent luck on that i think the recent uptick in it lately is maybe due to another hair removal session some time ago that made my remaining facial hair a bit more visible for a while & that'll have played in it bc really people kinda just make a quick subconscious judgement on that based on a random sum of things they notice
(thanks to you as well hell yeah keep on likin girls they're worth it)
#also i still just rly don't use makeup or wear many clothes xplicitly 'feminine' in public#so like tbh still super lucky that i seem to be generally read as womn. thnk gd for long hair and vague enough features#alsoalso anyway i think i just wanna learn to be more ok with whichever way it goes in the long run. anyway#like im generally nb & honestly don't actually have HUGE gendering preferences i don't think (idk i'll figure shit out later still)#would still rather be perceived as woman by strangers but. also i'd rather just let go of negative feelings if it goes another way because#eh. whatever#idk idk i haven't given any of that a good thought in a while. gender's kinda been on autopilot for a while#shevr#also i need to do something wild & new to my look sometime btw. preferably soon#dye hair maybe. cut it one way or another ( nothing's been done to my hair except a quick home trim in literal years )#new piercings i don't know agh something's gotta change & it better be me
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weekend melancholy is starting to kick in >~<
#im gonna go and do my food shop etc to keep myself busy and hopefully my 2nd meds will kick in and we'll be able to handle it together#i think i kind of do this so regularly bc my brain is just processing everything bc i dont rly have time during the week#all cool tho im doing good overall def on the up n i feel way more capable of coping emotionally which is nice. i <3 meds#also.. possibly settling on the idea that i might be agender. very tentatively. lots of experiences n thoughts coming together rn#ive been reacting in unexpected ways to a lot of gendered shit atm which has made me reconsider the way i think abt myself#but very difficult to articulate it to myself let alone anyone else. so ive been sitting with it for now until it precipitates#gender stuff has never rly affected me much or ive never been in a place to explore it which is why i havent thought abt it super hard#but im not the sort of person who needs a lot of internal exploration to figure out my identity like im v self aware tbh#and while im wildly indecisive abt most things in my life for some reason i never have been abt stuff like this. i learned abt lesbianism#like idk 9 years ago-ish and straight away was like yeah that makes sense for me. never looked back since#n similarly ive experienced forms of gender dysphoria before n just immediately dealt with it symptomatically n moved on#its never been smth to agonise abt for me like i know what makes me comfortable in my skin so theres no question abt doing it#and ik im privileged to be able to do that. and also it helps that gender for me is mostly divorced from external perceptions#+ that im v autistic so social pressures dont stick to me very well. i mean yeah i was bullied for it as a kid but i was stubborn asf#so yeah from the moment i realised i was genuinely uncomfortable/upset abt it earlier this week i was like okay. lets try this instead#its given me pretty instant relief from any distress i was feeling so far which is nice. rare respite from one of my torture labyrinths#just testing out internally whether it frames things more clearly n makes me feel more myself/at peace before i choose to stick w the idea#but not gonna do a whole coming out fanfare either way. dont think i wanna change how ppl interact w me + im still a dyke#so i dont consider it relevant to anyone else unless they share a similar understanding of gender to me. or if we're v close#ill prolly broach it w other trans friends eventually bc insert philosophers talking image. but to everyone else its business as usual#happy to play my cis-sona at work. + w new queer ppl i meet ive been introducing myself recently w mirrored pronouns instead of any/all#and i think i prefer that. virtually indistinguishable but theres smth nice abt inviting ppl to recognise me the way they do themselves#like translating + localising a non-gendered language into a gendered one... simplifying decisions abt how to perceive me#and ofc ppl are still gonna perceive me however but idc much unless we're actually friends. the rest is all a performance anyway#doubtful anyone on here ever has reason to refer to me but if u do for some reason... im freeloading off ur pronouns now btw <3#but yeahhh. much 2 think abt. i need to read more alien/ai sci fi.. non-human sentience has been such a comforting concept lately#but yea tldr i woke up one morning this week like damn im prolly agender but i have a full time job to go to rn so idc abt that#.diaries#okkkk my dex is kicking in im no longer on the verge of tears lets go get these groceries wooohoooo
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I'm having such a terrible gender time right now jfc
#im more confused than i ever have been tbh#and i want help but dont know where to go??#like. im nervous about detrans forums because of transphobia but idk where else to figure out what stopping hrt will be like#and how to decide where i feel about top surgery#because i can schedule it any day now tbh but im scared#i dont want a fully flat chest#so im like. is it possible for me to get more comfortable with my chest as is? rather than doing a whole thing i dont need to#ive been considering reduction for a while but im still scared#its honestly also reconciling my trauma and identity alteration with my gender#and where im going#also some shit my gf said recently has also got me in a whole tailspin about a lot of shit#but especially gender
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Dear horror youtubers who write video essays explaining and examining extraordinary works of horror that I deeply want to see and understand but will literally never be able to safely watch due to my own trauma - thus providing me with a way to learn from and connect to works of art that would be otherwise forever inaccessible to me,
I love you.
youtube
#original#horror#final girl studios#if this youtuber is on tumblr someone should tag her#LOVE the idea of a girl coming of age and becoming monstrous but now obsessed with how they described this movie as#'a girl coming of age and finding that the people AROUND her have become monsters to her'#fucking. brilliant! thank you for giving me a way to learn from and enjoy this movie! i am more sure than ever that i should not watch it!#but i am so grateful to you for giving me such a gift! how wonderful!#that said - folks please be very cognizant of the warnings at the beginning of the video. there were still parts I had to look away from#also it was cathartic experiencing this movie from this POV bc 'the horror of girlhood being validated' is healing tbh#it was HORRIFYING being a little girl who became a teenage girl! and no one seemed to care what girl-children went through!#I mean folks were dismissive of kids in general but teen girls and little girls are like. a Joke to a lot of people.#everything we liked was ridiculed. and our fears held similarly little weight to adults. and yet. The Horror of Girlhood is so Real.#I Can Only Imagine how much more girls of color were dismissed and targeted and dehumanized.#and then you've got the little Trans girls and teens - who were playing The Horror of Girlhood on like. Nightmare Hard Mode.#the specific horror of girlhood for me as a transmasc AFAB person meant that the existential horror of being seen as a girl#meshed with my gender dysphoria in a way I did not have the language for and would not for many years to come#like the internalized misogyny and the gender dysphoria were literally impossible to parse apart. i couldn't tell which was which.#i just knew i HATED being a girl and i wanted it to STOP. and it was mostly because of how people treated girls.#like it probably took me longer to figure out my gender because of that.
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still think it's funny that after about a year or so of stressing over labels and asking people for their opinions and trying to decide what percentages applied to me and all that, i got the most relief out of saying "well, fuck if i know, man"
#genuinely mean it btw. i had so much anxiety over things#at first it was over my bisexuality and then over my gender#i think realizing that boxes don't really fit me has been very helpful tbh. brother i can't figure out myself you want me to figure out#my attraction? what intricately designed spectrum of presentation and terminology i fall into? hell no#i've got bigger problems than that . mainly problems caused by that but still#am i sure there's labels out there that perfectly fit me? yeah but i can't bring myself to care about them#and in turn it's annoying to be forced into those to seem more acceptable to other people#my stuff's between me and god and that guy doesn't like me all too much
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idk if id argue nem is Canonically a Lesbian but i do think writing her that way is really fun wwwww
#even in a colony where dating nayone is ok its like. still hard to figure out whats a crush and whats not#and i think her feelings for vace being rooted in trauma is just. interesting and fun LOL#idk exocolonist does gender+sexuality in fun ways and i vibe#tbh ive been thinking while writing teenexo fic abt how like. m/m f/f m/f are kidn of like..... reductive categories#its hard to tag some of my sol stuff sometimes bc theyre on like 3d gender chess levels u kno#agender sol using he/him out of laziness dating dys. its not m/m but tagging it as a catchall 'other' also feels kind of weird i wont lie#genderfluid lesbian sol dating nem i dont want to tag as f/f but also what else am i gonna tag it#i dont want ppl thinking its m/f bc its not. even when its Boy Day its not quite f/f u kno#IDK ITS JUST INTERESTING anwyays play teenexo. join me in thinking#teenexo stuff#makes this non rebloggable and adds the Im Cis! disclaimer wwww#these are just my personal thoughts but u kno. u kno.
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not a man or a woman or even a particular secret third thing
#Noble roars#i simply…do not care about my gender#figured this out after my friend was doing a survey about what womanhood means todiff women#and I realized that I simply Do Not Give A Fuck#womanhood means very little to me an tbh the only reason I use she/her is bc it’s what I’m used to#so that’s what I’m sticking to#could’ve been born amab and it wouldn’t have changed a thing#love this about myself but I guess I would still count myself as cis#not dysphoric and feel no real need to change my gender or take anything#simply…Do Not Care
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positives of having a really small blog: you notice when shitty people interact with your posts. i cannot believe i have to say this considering that i am evidently not cis, but let me make this clear. terfs are not welcome here. dissapear out of my sight and get fucked, thank you very much :)
#they were babbling about something completely incoherent which led me to check their blog for a clue at what they meant#and what did i find if not some braindead and really transphobic takes#look i have no fucking clue what my gender is. half the time i just can’t be bothered to figure it out#i wouldn’t call myself neither cis nor trans#but that does not matter tbh cause even if i were a cis girl#i’d still block you so fast for being a transphobic asshole#and then laugh at how you could possibly think that shit would fly with me#oax's screaming void
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happy pride month! <3
#I'm too chicken to come out on Instagram since my aunt follows me there and I'm still closeted to my extended family </3#but yeah happy pride!!#still figuring out my gender and sexuality tbh i think it's probably something that'll take time#but for right now i think pan and nonbinary fit me pretty well 🥰#it'll be fun to look back on this and see if I've changed how i identify haha#even though i feel sorta old im still pretty new to accepting myself as queer#so I haven't had a lot of time to try things out#and I'm really shy so dating and expressing my gender are scary for me >.<#but here's to hoping i gain the reassurance and courage to be out and more confident someday :')#personal
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AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA lol
#met a friend of a friend 2 days ago and they're sooooooo cool and i'm a little bit in love with them#went to the club last night and they came with us and we danced and. they're just really cool and like also cute and. aaaaa#the gay club btw#LOL i was way too drunk and asked them out thru text afterwards but they said they can't cause they're still figuring out their gender but#they think im cool and we should def hang out again 😭😭😭😭 MASSIVE W TBH#icl though i think i planned our entire life out in my head last night
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GOOGENDER/SLIMEGENDER/OOZEGENDER/WHATEVERRR
slapped this together real quick bc i couldnt find anything that fit what i was looking for ToT not greatttt quality but like i said. slapped together real quick.
a xenogender relating to oozes, slimes, goos, gunks, etc. colors are traditional slime colors from rpgs (tabletop and otherwise). no particular meanings besides that.
#not that i looked very hard#but i had the idea for the flag being like#dq slime colors LOL and i thought that was cute#modern queer flags have very pretty colors and tbh i miss the bold saturated colors of . less modern pride flags#still modern era but idk how to delineate them . oh well#so. yeah.#mogai flag#xenogender#neogender#i looked again and i did see some but i didnt like the flags LMFAO they were mostly monochromatic and had drippies which i get but#theyre not very accessible ? and very visually busy#also like im not a chromaphobe slimes come in more colors than just green (/j)#just overall not what i wanted out of a gender pride flag#i think a lot of those types of [blank]gender pride flags tend to be monochromatic which is just#nooot interesting to me#anyways#i figured id share it#rather than just using it on my prns.cc lol
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