#still a waiting process
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FINALLY GETTING MY CAR FIXED 😭😭😭😭😭
#ᡣ𐭩 wonhes silly thoughts#still a waiting process#but i turn in my car on saturday#and get a rental car until my car is ready#through girly’s insurance ofc 😻😻😻😻😻😻
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something something giant isopod sharing is caring pass the detritus
inprnt
#giant isopod#marine biology#artists on tumblr#inprnt#I tried coming up with a pun but nothing popped up#cackLES#there's also another print up on inprnt that I'm waiting to post when I have other stuff settled 👀#technically inprnt is getting to see stuff a little earlier haha#also been noticing how my process has changed haha it's interesting#like I'll spend waaaaaay more time now nitpicking/adjusting colors which is fine#but like before when I was still in old process mindset I'd get frustrated and think the colors weren't coming out right#when what I needed was to spend more time figuring it out
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Shen Yuan getting transported into pidw isn't "the system punishing him for being a lazy internet hater," but instead representative of "step 1 of the creative process: getting so mad at something you decide to go write your own fucking book" in this essay I will
#svsss#scum villian self saving system#shen qingqiu#shen yuan#the fact that people think scum villain#-a series that examines and criticizes common tropes in fiction-#is somehow against criticism or being a little hater is wild to me#especially since shen qingqiu never gets punished for being a hater#heck- he's still a little hater by the end of the series#he mostly gets punished for treating life like a play and like he and the people around him are characters#(or in other words- he suffers for denying his own wants and emotions and his own sense of empathy)#I think some of y'all underestimate how much writing/art is inspired by creaters being little haters#like example off the top of my head-#the author of Iron Widow has been pretty vocal about the book being inspired by their hatred of Darling in the Franxx#I think my interpretation of Shen Yuan's transmigration is also supported by the fact that this series is an examines writing processes#side note- though i understand why people say Shen Yuan is lazy and think its a valid take it still doesnt sit right with me#i am probably biased because my own experiences with chronic pain and depression and isolation#but ya- i dont think Shen Yuan is lazy so much as he is deeply lonely and feels purposeless after denying parts of himself for 20ish years#like yall remember the online fandom boom from covid right?#being stuck completely alone in bed while feeling like shit for 20 days straight does shit to your brain#the fact that no one came to check on him + he wasn't exactly upset about leaving anyone behind supports the isolation interpretation too#+in the skinner demon arc he describes his life of being a faker/inability to stop being a faker now that he's Shen Qingqiu#as “so bland he's tempted to throw salt on himself” and “all he could do is lay around and wait for death” (<-paraphrasing)#bro wants to be doing stuff but is stuck in paralysis from repeatedly following scrips made by other people#another point on “Shen Yuan isn’t lazy” is just the sheer amount of studying that man does#also he did graduate college- how lazy can he really be#he doesnt know what hes doing but he at least tries to actively train his students#and he actually works on improving his own cultivation + spends quite a bit of time preping the mushroom body thing#+he's experiencing bouts of debilitating chronic pain throughout all this#but ya tldr: Shen Yuan's transmigration is an encouragement to write and not a punishment and also i dont think its fair to call him lazy
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Oh, help me God, this hellboy got me coming back for more
reblogs super appreciated !!! close-ups under the cut !
#south park#south park fanart#stan marsh#shroomer's art !#shroomer's archives: south park#artists on tumblr#my ramblings + thought process starts here (warning. its a lot) vvvvvvvvvvvvvv#"heyyyyy shadowww. its mee. da devil.#the amount of eyestrain i went through while rendering this#gradient maps!!! are so fun!!! (they are not i hate them so much)#lots to improve on still. but that's for next time!#the process of making this was so arduous.... but i learned a lot i feel#(and also if i had spent any more time working on this i would have actually lost it)#BUT YIPPEEEEE HAPPY BIRTHDAY STAN MARSH THE LOSER BOY I CANT BELIEVE I FINISHED THIS ON TIME#2 days in advance too by the time the queue uploads it#anyways.... stupid loser boy stan marsh..... i found out his birthday was coming up soon#and i had this idea sitting in my head for like.... 2 weeks i think#popped up when i was listening to lexie liu's album the happy star and the song diablo came up#and i thought wait.... doesnt stan get possessed by satan at some point#and so here we are!!#I ACTUALLY RECENTLY WATCHED THE EPISODE TOO AND THE THEME OF THE SONG FIT THE THEME OF THE EPISODE CRAZY WELL AS WELL#sometimes my genius is almost frightening#anyways this emotionally sensitive animal lover boy has really grown on me over the course of the series <3#i still havent.... finished cartman's sheet.....#the self designated deadline i gave myself of 2 weeks is coming up soon and erm. guh.#dies#this took so much effort and brainpower that needed to be allocated to my assignments.......#but its ok!!! im gonna sell this as a print!!! so its kind of!! productive!!#guh i hope this one performs well sob theres this nagging feeling i have that its not gonna do well at all#try painting some funky lighting + greyscale painting she said. it'll be fun she said.
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I love prophecies and the battle of Bond of Choice versus Bond of Obligation.
#my thought process while I was drawing this: ->#The lamb & Narinder have a pre-designed bond as well as one of their choice. The pre-designed one binds them individually while the bond of#-Choice binds them as a Unit. Narinder's 'strings are constricting. He's literally chained by them. The Lamb's are looser but still binding#Also they're actually looking at each other here!!#anyway i hope you like the piece and the rant! i love thinking and giving the characters meaning and symbolism. its like playing with dolls#also the strings--im hoping--theyre sort of emulating narinder's chains in his domain. the ones hanging around#K thats it for now#Narinder#The Lamb#narilamb#the one who waits#OH WAIT. ALSO. THE CROWN. IS IN THE MIDDLE. 'SITTING/FLOATING OVER TWO BROWS'#Narilamb#bishop narinder#cotl narinder#cotl lamb#cotl#cult of the lamb#cotl fanart#cult of the lamb fanart#cotl narilamb#metaphors
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mmmmichael…..⁉️😳
#i wanna “distort” (lol) his appearance more but there is only so much a man can do traditionally#just you wait until i get over my digital art block#michael fanart is gonna go CRAZY!!!#the magnus archives#tma#michael distortion#lockbox#also yeah that’s a whole half page of notes of how characters have described his appearance#i was NOT slacking in my design process!!!!!!!#i still have to figure out his clothes though. SIGH
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I’ve been having your aus in my brain for a while. I absolutely love them 🥰
Question for Swanatello, have you ever had a strong desire to go back home to the lair or do you even remember much about the lair being your home, even with the bracelet and board? Like, have you ever in the middle of the day just randomly think “I want to go home” while thinking about the lair?
Of course he does. He doesn't remember details very often... but the one downside of the bracelet is that now he is almost constantly aware that something is wrong. Even when he doesn't understand what's going on-- he almost always knows that something is wrong with him and with the world around him. He wishes for things he can't remember. He aches over the absence of things that he can't recall. He misses people that he doesn't know. He can't remember home, but he knows he's not there.
Swanatello hates to be alone now. Overall, it's for the best, it helps, but every evening he's introduced to the idea that something is horribly wrong, and then he's promised that someone is going to be there soon to help. And every evening, he has to wait to see if that promise will be fulfilled and if his family will come and help him.
#luckily they pretty much ALWAYS keep that promise#and they've gotten very very good at getting the timing down#and minimizing that waiting period as much as possible#while still allowing swannie the time he needs to process everything and be ready to have them there#because they know it's difficult for him#still#it's very high stress for swanatello#its not WORSE than what it was before. in most ways its better#the lows are all a lot less low now#and there are far more highs#but its still difficult#and they all know it#asks#swanatello#rottmnt#rottmnt donnie#rottmnt donatello#rise donnie#rise donatello#donniesona#memory loss
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anybody know a better way to export video from procreate dreams because GYAAAHHH
#anyways conan#my art#my animation#trying procreate dreams again. extremely convoluted export process#Still waiting for them to implement a lasso tool………#dcmk#lasso tool is how I conceptualize most secondary animation help. I would not have survived hand drawn animation as well
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Look around, look at all these people. I will no longer allow any of you to keep me down.
#I missed making edits of him#I just realized how much so#can't wait to get screencaps of the whole movie instead of only the trailers#still processing all but this definitely helps so much#I hope you guys enjoy#Graphics#Joker#Joker 2#joker folie a deux#Arthur Fleck#Joaquin phoenix
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"But beyond all my pain, there was you"
Narilamb designs: @runningwithscizzorz
here's an alt version of Narinder without the veil!! :D
#I added that detail last minute and my poor government laptop was about to explode from the amount of layers that I was using–#it wasn't even that much! just uhh 95 I think?? I normally use like. 150+. But this poor laptop is not built for that#The tools were starting to lag and the program froze for a couple of seconds before starting to work again and it was a whole mess so#I couldn't put a lot of detail into it#but I'm still pretty happy with the result!!#I love Lisey's design so much specially Narinder's#I really wanted to make fanart for them and I finally got to finish it!! there was a lot of trusting the process in this fjhsd but it was#definitely worth it. I think I exceeded myself. Very proud of this one.#even though I couldn't put the amount of detail I would have wanted to because of the laptop's limitations.. I did the best I could with#what I had and I think it looks good! so. yeah. hehe.#I hope Likey likes it if they see it heh (*´ω`*)#cotl#cult of the lamb#cotl Narinder#cotl Lamb#cotl the one who waits#cotl narilamb#cotl fanart#narinder x lamb#gpart
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Mirna_elhelbawi and a team of people are still working at getting esims to Gazans, if you are able please consider buying a plan and send it to the email listed above and on her Instagram. They have been working tirelessly for the past days to ensure that Palestinians can contact their friends and families amid the continued displacement and horrors they are experiencing minute by minute. Last I heard these plans people were still able to access internet when israel cut it and all communications a couple days ago and it is vital as some areas are still experiencing difficulties. Please check out her page for any updates as they continue to post more and answer questions 🙏🇵🇸
UPDATE: Mirna has asked that we stop for the time being on sending them E-sims, but that doesn’t mean they won’t start up again in the future! Please feel free to keep reblogging for the info and please continue to check her account for updates!!
NEWEST UPDATE: Mirna and her team are back to taking E-Sim donations! Please check out her Instagram for any updates
#i used simly and the process was very fast#i am still waiting for them to give my code to someone but they have been doing incredible work trying to connect not only journalists#but everyone#please check her Instagram for any updates as I know nomad stopped working in Palestine recently#free palestine#from the land to the sea#boost
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I didn't get the sewing job
I just.
why do I even keep going. nothing's ever going to change and nothing's ever going to work out and nobody's ever going to fucking want me
I'm going to get old working part-time jobs with no house and no family and no fucking future
and the economy's about to tank with Tr*mp so if I don't get something before that happens it's never going to
what's even the point honestly. when nothing ever-
#personal#this is such fucking bullshit#I looked up how to do your stupid fucking machine hems and everything and it's still not enough?#I've made goddamn entire Victorian ball gowns. I know how to fucking sew#somebody please give me a fucking decent full-time job. give me some fucking reason to believe things will get better#because that's all that will fix this for me#I don't want to do anything. I don't want to be in this spot anymore I don't I don't I"m SO FUCKING SICK OF TRYING AND TRYING#FOR FUCKING NOTHING#I DON'T WANT TO WAIT SIX GODDAMN MONTHS FOR SOMEONE TO GO THROUGH THIS WHOLE GODDAMN PROCESS#I WANT MY LIFE TO CHANGE. NOW. I'VE BEEN WAITING AND TRYING FOR SEVEN FUCKING YEARS AND NOTHING. NOTHING.#HAS HAPPENED. NOTHING. HAS CHANGED. I JUST GET FUCKING OLDER.#I can buy stupid dolls and make stupid clothes but for what? for what when this is all my life will ever be?#I might as well just give up on all of it because nothing of any real substance will ever change
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What about the first time with Eddie? 👉👈
I imagine he’s a bit hesitant at first, but once you get into it he’s a lot more vocal and enthusiastic, even tries riding you
Nothing Compares
Pairing: Eddie Diaz x Top Male reader
Content tags: 18+, MINORS DNI, anal fingering, riding, rimming, porn with feelings
A/n: pls excuse any mistake and ooc moments, I redid a huge part of it earlier today and I have been kind of working on this for days so I’ve become blind to the smaller details rip anyway than u sm for your request and I hope you enjoy it! (Also look at that banner I’m so proud)
“You know,” you begin, voice ever so gentle as you caress his bare skin “we don’t have to do this if you don’t want to, I’m perfectly fine with just kissing or watching movies or whatever you’d want to do instead”
“I want to,” he says, tone firm and eyes full of confidence. “You’ve done so much for me, for my son, for us, I trust you,” he says before gently cupping your face and kissing your lips.
He only pulls back far enough to rest his forehead onto yours, noses brushing together as he once again repeats his words “I trust you,”
You look at him, eyes filled with tears before you blink them back and kiss him firmly on the lips
“I love you so much” you say in between kisses, feeling a flood of emotion bubbling up in your gut when you hear him giggle.
“I love you too” There’s a soft smile on his face as he meets your gaze, eyes swirling with emotion that you’re sure can be found in your own irises.
He says one last thing before he allows you to strip the clothes off the two of you.
“Just….you know.. go easy on me” he says, teeth nervously nibbling on his bottom lip.
“Always”
Eddie’s sprawled out on your bed, legs spread apart and knees tucked into his chest.
From where you lay you can see his dark locks splayed out onto his pillow case.
As you drag your gaze along his throat, you see the way his St. Christopher necklace spills onto his collarbones and the way it glimmers from where the light hits it.
You continue to trail your gaze down the valley of his peck and onto his abdomen where his hard cock lays.
Eventually your eyes land upon puckered hole, and you can’t help the thought that occurs.
Beautiful, so beautiful, you think to yourself before you swipe your tongue along the cleft of Eddie’s ass, eyes peering up at him to see the way his head lolls back, and he lets out a gasp. “Oh- oh God”
“You alright?” You say, voice sounding breathy and strained.
“Yes,yes I’m good, just- just keep going” he says voice sounding just as breathy and strained.
You deliver another broad stroke with your wet tongue before slowly circling his puckered hole, feeling his heels dig into your back as he claws at the mattress.
“Ah fuck!” He cries out, and lifts his head to meet your gaze. “Don’t- don’t tease please “
You only hum in response, before slowly working your tongue into the tight ring of muscles.
“God oh god! ” Eddie cries out, head trashing side to side, as his heels dig further down into your back.
Drool’s dribbling down the cleft of his ass, eager finger leaving marks on his skin and his musky scent engulfs your senses as you continue to lick into him.
Slowly but surely the tight channel becomes ever so unresisting under your tongue , and with each swipe, Eddie seems closer to losing his mind
“More, more more please i need more,” he sobs out, hands frantically clawing at the mattress.
But instead of doing as he says, you stop and pull away, leaving him looking absolutely bewildered. “No, no, no, why did you stop?!“
“Shh, sweetheart, I won’t leave you hanging, you know I won’t” you say, as you kiss his thighs in reassurance “Would you mind getting the lube for me? It’s on the drawer to the left”
You can’t help but smile at the way he almost jumps up to get the bottle, hair in complete disarray and sheets clinging onto his limbs, even almost falling face first onto the floor when he rolls back onto the bed.
You take the bottle from him, a small thanks slipping past your lips as you pour a generous amount into the palm of your hand “You still okay? We can stop at any moment” you say while warming the lube up between your fingers.
“No please don’t stop” he says almost too quickly and you can’t help but chuckle at his eagerness.
Your hands find his legs again, propping them up and tucking his knees into his chest before your finger finds his rim, and gently circle it.
Eddie’s eyes flutter shut, body relaxing into the sheets as a breathy sigh escapes his lips.
“Mm that’s - that’s really nice” he says, voice slightly cracking as he speaks and you can’t help the endeared smile on your face as you look down at him.
Cute
You continue circling his puckered hole, relaxing the muscle as much as possible before sliding the tip of your finger inside him.
Immediately you feel goosebumps raise on his skin where you’re resting your hand on him , body slightly tensing as a shaky breath escapes his lips
“You okay?” You ask, stopping your movements complety to look up at him.
“Mm just- just- go slow yeah?,” he says body still tense as he runs a shaky hand through his hair.
“Of course“you say as before you gently work the tight ring of muscles, eyes glued to his and gauging his reaction.
He continues to take deep breathes, eyes squeezed shut and hands clinging onto the mattress but as soon as you’re down to the second knuckle of your index finger you hear soft moan rolling off of his lips “Mm ah- just just - just like that ”
“Feels good?” You ask as you you continuously massage the wall of nerves under your fingertips.
He looks down at you, eyes half lidded, and mouth agape while nodding his head “So so good, keep going please”
Slowly but surely you work a second finger into him, altering between grazing the wall of nerves and scissoring your fingers.
“Oh, oh god, please, please please” he whines out, almost grinding down onto your hand.
“Just wait a bit, yeah? I promised I’d take care of you didn’t I? Just let me do so yeah? I’ll take such good care of you I promise” You say while continuously moving your fingers inside him.
He almost wants to protest but agrees anyway, body relaxing into the sheets as he allows you to whatever you want with him
“Good boy” you coo before working a third finger inside of him, drawing more moans out of him and watching the way precum pools on his abdomen.
Eventually the last bit of patience trickles out of Eddie, body thrashing under your grip as pleas continuously tumble past his lips “Come on come on come on im ready please just please fuck me” he whines out, arm thrown over his eyes as his heels dig into your back.
You chuckle at his eagerness but gently slide your fingers out of him, watching the way he winces before a look of anticipation makes its way on his face.
You make quick work of getting the condom and the bottle of lube from earlier, pulse roaring in your ears as you shuffle closer to him, and hands shaking as you roll the condom onto your dick. But you stop completely in your step, hearing yourself take a shaky breath as you take in the sight of the man sprawled out your bed.
“Maybe I need a moment “ you say more to yourself, letting out a laugh before resting your head onto one of his thighs.
He chuckles at that, before you feel his hand trace soothing patterns onto your back. “Take your time” he says, sounding playful but endeared as well.
There’s a moment where the only sound that can be heard is the fluttering from the fan, along with the random assortment of noises coming from outside the window.
His hand is a welcome weight on your body, skin ever so warm as it presses against your cheek and slowly but surely you feel the tension bleeding out your body.
You slowly raise your head to meet his gaze, and as you do you see the way he’s nibbling on his lip while his eyes shift around the room as if preparing himself to ask you something.
“Hey hey hey, is something the matter?” You say with a confused look on your face while giving a gently squeeze to his leg.
Eddie shifts on the bed, Adam’s apple bobbing as he nervously swallows before he finally says something.
“Can I ,, I mean I’d like to you know…ride you,” he says, before he turns his gaze away, teeth sinking into his bottom lip and nervously nibbling on it again.
You blink at him in surprise, before you let out a groan, loud enough to slightly startle the other man.
“Good god Eddie you’re going to be the death of me” you say head burying back into his leg. You immediately feel the tension bleed out his body as a laugh tumbles past his lips.
“So is that a yes?” He says, still sounding a bit bashful while tracing random patterns onto your skin.
“Fuck, yeah, yeah that’s okay with me how do you want me?” you say as you scurry to get off of him.
“Eager” he teases, seemingly much more relaxed now. “Lay down on your back,” he says while gesturing for you to lay down where the headboard is.
“You don’t even know,” you say in response to his comment, not even wasting a second before you lay sprawled out on the bed with a pillow under your head.
He easily straddles your waist, hands resting on your chest to brace himself.
The unsure look bleeds back onto his face, hands fiddling on your chest as he chews on his bottom lip again.
“Eddie,” you say tone as firm as your grip on his hips. “I’m not expecting anything show stopping here. It’s just me and you spending some time together like we always do, just with a little less clothes on” you say with a chuckle but squeezing his hips to bring home your point. “And like I said if you’re not sure about this yet we can just do something else,” you say with a gentle smile on your face, hand reaching out to brush away the hair from his eyes.
He’s quiet for a moment, eyes following your hand before he grabs ahold of your wrist, voice as firms as his hold when he speaks “I want to but,” he pauses, and harshly swallows before he speaks again “I’m -you know uh new to this so please bear with me,” he says before he lines your tip up with his hole, and slowly pushes it past his puckered rim.
“Jesus christ!,” you grunt out, feeling as if your breath’s been punched out of your lungs.
Eddie takes a shaky breath, hands adjusting on your chest as he continues to lower himself.
“You alright?” You say through a strained breath, thumb gently caressing his hip.
“Yeah” he manges to say, brows pinched together and mouth agape as he continues to lower himself.
“Just like that baby, keep going, you can do it, I know you can” you say through gritted teeth, eyes fluttering shut and doing your best not to buck up into him.
Finally he bottoms out, your balls now firmly pressed against his ass, and he lets out a mewls at the feeling of being so stretched out around your cock.
“You alright?” Eddie asks you, throwing his words back to you, with a shaky smiles on his face while adjusting his hands on your chest.
“Jesus Christ, i'm more than alright, feels - ah feels so so good baby, you don’t even know how good you’re making me feel '' you say between labored breaths, thumb gently caressing his hip again “What about you, pretty ? How do you feel?”
“Feels, feels ah so full” he mewls out while experimentally rocking his hips.
“Ah fuck!” You cry out, head lolling back as you slightly buck up “dont- don’t think I’ll be able to last long- already- already feels so fucking good”
Eddie slowly starts picking his hips up, working himself up your cock only to slam himself back down again”Ah- ah God!” Eddie gasps out, back arching when he gets the angle just right.
“Fuck just like that Eddie, fuck yourself on my cock,” you grunt out, eyes fluttering shut as you buck up to meet his thrusts.
Slowly but surely he becomes more confident, his movements becoming much more pronounced as he loses himself in pleasure.
“Feels so so good” he moans out, head lolling back, moving so fast he’s basically bouncing on your lap.
Once again you can’t help but admire him, from the way his dark locks stick to his forehead, to the way his St. Christopher's necklaces dangles over your face, even in the way his defined abdomen glistens from the precum that’s smeared all over it.
“Close so close please” he moans out, and those words manage to snap you out of your daze as your hands tighten on his hips while bucking up into him again.
“Come on pretty you can do it, I know you can. Make yourself cum on my cock just like I know you can” you say before wrapping one hand around his dick and stroking him, that’s all it takes for him to starts unraveling, coming with a cry and spurting ropes of cum on both your abdomens, with you tightly following close by.
Once the two of you clean up and get back into bed, a comfortable silence falls over you as you bask in each other’s presence.
Suddenly Eddie bursts out laughing and as you meet his gaze, you burst out laughing as well.
“Fuck I love you,” you say through a breathy laugh before you pull the sheets over the two of you.
“Love you too,” he says as he places a kiss to your chest, before his eyes flutter shut and his breathing slows down.
Nothing compares to this, you think to yourself before you drift of to dreamland.
#first of all I’m so sorry for the wait also the first draft of this was like 4K Jesus and this one’s 2.5 anyway man thank u for reading this#anyways pls don’t hate this bye djdjdjdjfj#Eddie Diaz#Eddie Diaz x reader#Eddie Diaz x male reader#Eddie Diaz imagine#911 imagine#x male reader#911 fox imagines#x male! reader#top male reader#bottom male character#idk what tags to use I’m just hoping Eddie lovers find it#also kind of idk weird that one of my fav writers is requesting from me I’m still processing the fact that so many ppl have found my blog#and enjoy my writing lord djdjdjfj
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Back in 2005 east coast USA Guilty Gear fans had unimaginable beef with west coast GG fans. This was because a large majority of scans, translations, and guides were written by east coast fans and the west coast fans would always repost them without credit. They were also a little jaded that the west coast would get all the cool official tournaments/conventions while the east coast got lake effect snow
However, the beef was one-sided because the west coast fans seemingly did not notice how mad the east coast fans were because neither side ventured out of their very small niche forums that always died after 3 years
Then there were the humble Alaskans putting the first rips of PS2 Guilty Gear game assets online by plugging their Playstations directly into their Macs and pulling off some crazy wizard shit
#textpost#While waiting for my computer to process files this past week I've been Wayback Machine deep diving#It's been really really funny#The Alaskans seem to have sided with the east coast fans#Which I suppose makes sense. They both get stupid amounts of snow and -30f wind chill in the winter#I also think it's funny just how many scans and translations and whatever the hell else still comes from the east coast#Ohio specifically. Why are there so many GG fans in Ohio or very near the Ohio border#What is going on here#(rhetorical. everyone knows it's the Rock n Roll Hall of Fame radiation)
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chat i think im gonna be sick
(Powers of X #6)
#xmen#xmen comics#powers of x#charles xavier#snap scans#snap chats#moira stronger than me like ik why we here we're gonna die if not and so that is why she is stronger than me she is committing#i woulda kissed him in this moment too tho she and i are family on that front im afraid i do find him very cute#also. SIDE TANGENT. i loved the art before this of charles slowly processing the horrors of moiras mind ...#EXCELLENT art i must eat it at once#the most devious part of this is after i finished reading i went to go to my brother to talk about What I Read#and the second i pulled up like 'his sad eyes Brother im gonna be sick' he immediately quoted this page I HATE IT HERE#thats why they had to put that dome over charles' eyes so no one could look at his sad eyes anymore#this is in fact something i love and always love seeing but it still hurts i will not LIIIEEE#cant wait to read bout how this all goes horribly wrong ....#while my bro and i were talkin we were talkin bout other in-between stories an i wanna check those out at some point ...#maybe ill check my comic shop sometime in the future idk. for now im gonna throw up !!!!!!!!!!#i will simply spend tomorrow watching the rest of 92 im almost done with it. relatively speaking i will feel healed then probably#i got like two seasons left which is basically the same length as season 3 and then its onto 97#thats just one season for now so ... should finish that quick ..#ok bye i have Being Sick to be
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TW for those with religious trauma. A little long and just about something personal so putting it behind the cut, but basically:
I got to set a boundary and say No today, and that's huge.
I'm still mildly on FB to keep up with older friends and fam and events, and a few groups where I learn things generally from older folks (trust me, the old woodcarving guys aren't usually on tiktok). And let's just say I'm... very obviously not a Christian over there - not rude, not attacking, just happily on my own path. And there was this lady, who apparently had known me when I was 5 or so and had somehow stuck around. She had recently taken it upon herself to evangelize and 'bring me back' by repeatedly bringing up me loving Jesus at 5, and talking about God at me, and I am loved by him and etc etc don't you still talk to him, Pasta? Maybe that's why I remember you talking to him when you were little, so he can reach you through me, aren't you afraid Pasta that he's reaching for you and you'll miss it, etc etc.
Now I was raised strongly christian. The whole shebang. Christian elementary school, church every Sunday, youth groups on Wednesday, radio set to a christian station, etc. I'd heard these lines, believed those lines, said those lines for a long time. And even though my family was chill (one reason I wound up feeling supported enough to leave the church as an adult), I'm still unpacking a lot of that trauma. And one bit is my inability to set boundaries. Girls and women must always be polite, kind, and nice no matter what. Respect your elders when they speak. You are to be the sacred little vessel of the light and always be ready and willing to explain and advocate your beliefs even if someone's being mean, don't walk away. If someone asks you to help with something you don't want to do, you do it anyway, because your happiness and comfort doesn't matter, you are meant to serve.
I mentioned this while chatting with a group of friends the other night - I told them about this woman who'd been targeting me, and the bad memories it brought up and the ensuing anxiety attack when a bunch of things stacked a few weeks ago. And one of my friends turned and looked at me and gently said, 'why haven't you unfriended her?'
And I... paused at that. Why? Why hadn't I? Because this woman didn't 'intend' to be mean? Because I wanted to try to 'represent' something? Because I used to know her? Because I was afraid to be judged as rude? Because... my comfort and happiness didn't matter? Why on earth hadn't I?
Because... my comfort and happiness does matter. And I was being disrespected. It doesn't matter if I'm seen as rude. I'm allowed to say, 'no, you don't get to treat me like that.'
I... am allowed to cut someone off, even if they find that mean.
Even if they knew me when I was little.
Even if they have positive intent.
I don't have to give those people access to me if they're hurting me and trying to scare me.
And so I got home, and I rolled through that old list, and I culled it. Out went the people who I got a sick feeling thinking about. Out went the people who'd never really respected me. Out went the people who saw me as a trophy they could win by 'bringing me back'.
I said no to all of that.
I can say no.
And I know that seems small. But it feels like a giant leap for me.
#tw: religious trauma#pasta life update#i am STILL processing a lot of things but my frequent struggle to set boundaries is one of them#it's easier with people who can't throw childhood memories in your face#but even when it's a stranger i can struggle#but that epiphany just hit like 'wait i can so no. i don't have to let her do this to me. she's hurting me and I can walk away'.#and then i did it and i swear i got this RUSH#i feel really really good about it
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