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wanderingaunt · 4 years ago

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Where'd You Go, Robin?

This is the first post in my 30-day blog challenge.

Oh look, Robin seems to have disappeared again.

No one actually realizes I’m gone.

Those are the voices I hear in my head as I think through getting back online. My thoughts are very judgmental. I often create fake scenarios and conversations about myself or what I think others are saying about me.

That’s my queue to take a step back.

Honestly, the virtual world was getting to be too much for me. When COVID began to spread throughout the U.S. in March, I found myself feeling pretty grounded and focused. It was the first time in 2 years that I had stopped to slow down. I was in Dallas at my sister’s and learning to adjust to suburban life for a change.

Slow down.

That’s normally not a phrase I say. Yet, the more I learn about my Human Design and how I’m wired, the more I recognize this to be part of who I am. According to my Human Design, I am a 6/2 Manifesting Generator. Manifesting Generators can often be perceived as flighty or non-committal. We like to try things on before we know if it’s going to be a fit for us. The 6/2 identifies the part of me that is a hermit as well as a role model. As I look back at my life over the past 2 years, I can see this pattern unfolding. I am free-spirited and tend to do life at my own pace. Sometimes my pace is consistent and steady, while other times it’s slow as molasses. Sometimes I’m out in the spotlight while other times, I’m going deep within and tuning out everything around me.

While I was settled in Dallas, I found myself adjusting to being in one place. When Stay at Home Orders began, I took it as an invitation to settle in and focus on my work and completing my Retreat Leader certification as part of my yearlong coaching program with Darla LeDoux. I was feeling pretty great and proud of myself for actually focusing and having a routine. As someone who moves around quite a bit, routines are few and far between.

As May approached, I realized that the coursework due date for my certification was fast approaching. In true Robin fashion, I waited until 2 weeks prior to May 2nd to complete 4 months’ worth of assignments. I thrive off of deadlines, yet I don’t always embrace that about myself. I hunkered down and became laser-focused. I completed my work on time and only had a couple of assignments that I needed to redo. I continued to press through and show up fully.

Completing my coaching program became my focus and refuge from the craziness happening with COVID. Yet, my focus was quickly pulled back as hardship came upon my family.

On Mother’s Day, we received a message from my Mom that my Dad was in the hospital with Severe Sepsis. My Mom called an ambulance to take him to the ER earlier that morning. He spent a week in the hospital and came close to death. Thankfully, he survived and has since made a full recovery.

Soon after that, the terrible tragedy with George Floyd happened. I found myself consumed with social media activism—posting and sharing content on my feed, signing petitions, reading, and learning. And then within a week of that, we received the news that my beloved cousin, Clint, had died of cancer at the young age of 44.

My nervous system went into shock.

Another aspect of Human Design is that it shows which channels you have open. I have many open centers and as a result, I’m highly sensitive or in other words, an empath. An empath is someone who is highly aware of the emotions of those around them, to the point of feeling those emotions themselves. Empaths see the world differently than other people; they’re keenly aware of others, their pain points, and what they need emotionally. When I’m not conscious of protecting my energy, I can literally feel the weight of the world. When I go into overwhelm, I retreat into my cocoon (hermit phase).

2020 has been an extremely difficult and unexpected year for the entire world. For me personally, there’s been a lot of change, heartbreak, loss, and regret. As a nomad, I went from the freedom of traveling the world to being confined to one spot; in February, I ended a relationship with a man that I love and have had to deal with the regret and heartbreak from that decision; and then with COVID and all of the anti-racism movements happening, my system was in overload. After my cousin died, it was the final straw for my emotional well-being. I found myself distant from my friends and family and unable to maintain healthy boundaries or communication.

I knew it was time for me to go inward and tune out for a bit.

"I was becoming more and more of a hermit. It's not so much that I was running away from something, I was running into myself." -- Michael A. Singer, The Surrender Experiment

I rented a car and headed west to Colorado for a personal retreat at the beautiful Six Eagles Haven. It was the first time I had left Dallas in 4 months, and ironically it was the last place I traveled to prior to COVID. When I was nearing my arrival, tears fell upon me, and I began sobbing and yelling uncontrollably.

I was having an emotional breakdown.

The breakdown lasted for at least 30 to 45 minutes. I was near panic mode. I showed up at the retreat center completely exhausted and emotionally drained. I knew I was in the right place to come exactly as I was and that nothing was wrong. I knew I was safe. My coach, Allison, was there to guide and support me through this time.

My emotional breakdown, while painful, was the start of a magical journey for me.

Six Eagles Haven is such a special place and has created many profound experiences for me. Each week there will be a movie night where Randy (Allison’s husband) will select a movie for us to watch. He selected Where’d You Go, Bernadette. I had seen this movie earlier in the year while flying back from Africa, yet this time I felt connected to the main character. The movie is about a former architect named Bernadette played by Cate Blanchett. In the movie you witness Bernadette go through her own life crisis. She’s distant, always starting and not finishing projects, and unable to cope with the real world. Without going into much detail, Bernadette has lost her art and power to create. She gave up creating, which in turn caused her to give up on life.

I found myself relating to Bernadette. I was born to create, and I’ve been resisting that part of me for far too long.

One of the main reasons I went to Colorado was so I could have access to nature and hiking. I got up everyday and lost myself in the woods. I am a explorer at heart and love going off the beaten path. One morning I woke up and decided I was going to climb a mountain. I walked into the kitchen and told Allison that I was going to hike Mount Garfield. Allison looked at me and asked if I was looking for a challenge.

Yes, a challenge is exactly what I need.

Be careful what you wish for. ;) I had looked at the reviews and had read that it was a difficult, hard, and challenging hike. I’ve been on several challenging hikes before, so I figured this wouldn’t be too big of a deal. My ego laughed at me when I thought this.

“What is My Mountain?”

This is the question I contemplated as I was climbing Mount Garfield. This climb caused me to confront how I go about challenging situations and embrace the part of me that wakes up and declares, “Today, I’m going to climb a mountain.” When I made it back to my car, I felt so accomplished and on fire. This was exactly what I needed. I needed to remind myself of how strong and capable I am. I needed to remind myself that I thrive off of challenges and need my own mountain to climb.

The next day as I was taking my daily walk within the labyrinth, I got a download. Every time I enter the labyrinth, I set an intention for my walk and open myself up to signs and answers. This day, I asked Spirit for guidance around the question, “What is my mountain?”.

Spirit: Write 30 blogs in 30 days.

Me: 30…? How about 15?

Spirit: No, 30.

Me: 20?

Spirit: No, you asked for a mountain. 30.

Me: Gulp. Okay, 30…

This is what happens when I try to negotiate after I get a clear message. I’m not as great of a negotiator as I think I am… The call to write has been with me for over a year now. I have dismissed it again and again. I’ve enrolled others in my writing a book, yet, I’ve been in major resistance around actually starting. I’ve come up with every excuse and avoidance tactic. Even though, I keep receiving the call in meditation to write. Even though my oracle cards tell me, “Get thee to thy desk and write!” Even though others ask how my writing is going…I allow time to pass by and wait for tomorrow to come.

So here is my mountain: 30 blog posts in 30 days.

As with most challenges I take on, starting is the hardest part. I sit in resistance for a while and then over-analyze each word and sentence I type. I erase, write again, and repeat. I have no idea where this challenge will take me or what topics and words will be uncovered in the process. I trust the guidance of my higher self and Spirit to guide me. I trust that whatever is meant to be written will be written. I trust that answers to many questions I hold will come to surface.

Where’d You Go, Robin?…You’ll have to read to find out.

I invite you to take some time to sit with the question “What is my mountain?” for yourself. Really sit with it and listen. What shows up for you?

Ways You Can Support the 30 Day Blog Challenge

I would love your support during this challenge. While I am taking on this challenge for myself, I trust that you will identify with my writing and read the posts that you are meant to read.

Subscribe to my newsletter so you receive posts on a daily or weekly basis.

Donate to my work. I’ve been writing this blog for 3 years now and produce all of my content for free. As an artist and creator, writing is my outlet for being fully self-expressed. Your support provides encouragement (and pays the bills) to keep going. <3

Share with your network. If you are inspired by my writing and this challenge, I’d appreciate you sharing it with anyone you feel will benefit.

Comment on the posts that speak to you. I’d love to hear your thoughts and learn which topics you relate to or identify with.

#climbing mountains #Challenge #vulnerability #human design #retreat #coaching #travel

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moldy-mold · 5 years ago

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Diary Post: My Thoughts and Processes on Making “Silent Strength” It’s lengthy, taking place over long period of time. Mainly written for my future-self to remember what I went through, but also for anyone who is curious. Now that the project is over, I can post without reservations. There are certain things I need to keep secret though, so if I’m vague I do so intentionally!

Basically, a lot of number-crunching, physical labor, and psychological labor.

It started off as kind of a joke tweet I made. I had enough content to make a Tales Of art book and people were receptive to it. So… I thought maybe I could go somewhere with this. A few weeks later, I suddenly had a lot of Kratos art. Like. 80% of all my Tales art was Kratos. It didn’t make sense to make a broad Tales Of book when really most of it was Kratos.

I hadn’t made a book since I was in college despite it being one of my favorite things to do. They were never art books, just some editorial design projects that totally didn’t count. This book… would be my first-ever art book.

Several times, I came close to having enough art to print a book - the last time was my large collection of Yusuke Kitagawa, but the quality wasn’t where I wanted. At that time, I was still experimenting with my iPad Pro and figuring out Procreate, so that was what I used him for.

NGL, I was pretty afraid of looking like a clown. After doing all this work, what if no one actually buys it? I was talking to some friends and they said they would buy it. It was enough for me. In the end, I’m creating something that I love. - The first thing I really wanted to work on was the cover. It needed to be epic but also mysterious (lol)… It was a good time to practice lighting and backgrounds. The cover had to be freaking Fantastic. I spent 3 days drawing nonstop. I was on vacation so I could spend full days just drawing. It was really intense. I would stop in the evenings to go for a run or else my legs would never get circulation again.

The hardest part was keeping it secret. I wanted to share it with the world right away bc I was so proud of it. Well, all I could do was show it to my parents and some close friends. They didn’t know who Kratos is, but it was obvious I was crazy about him.

Initially, I was doing some hand-lettering for the zine title instead of using a typeface. Tbh, I was so sure I was naming this zine “Blame Your Fate!” bc that is such an iconic line. But it just didn’t work with my cover, which looked… a little too serene for that. So… Silent Strength or Divine Strength? I asked around and got my answer.

But what size? All of my art has been on letter canvases. I wanted it to be large so you could see the details in the art. I’ll just start with that. - Luckily, I had all my Kratos-related art in one place. I started my InDesign file and threw everything in there just to see what it looked like. Man, I draw a lot of boxes… But I didn’t want them all next to each other. I also wanted to kinda organize it by the people Kratos hangs out with. There’s a Yuan section LOL… and a Lloyd section… and an Anna section. Idk, I tried to get some kind of order in there with a sprinkling of full spreads here and there to keep it fresh and interesting for the eyes.

I hadn’t worked with InDesign on such an intense level since college. I forgot all of the tips and tricks we learned in class. Spent some time reading on how to do things again… like adding page numbers. - I started drafting my pre-order form. It’s my first time making a google form like this. It’s kind of fun? I spent a long time on it, despite how simple it was. This was going to be my “Store” so it had to look and sound good. - My friend introduced me to charm-making. It seemed easy enough, and I wanted to give my zine more oomph. Besides, I’ve always wanted to make a charm.

I remember someone saying they’d buy a book of just the 4 Seraphim if it existed. I like them too and they lack art imo. In the end, I decided to do a polaroid charm. It’s not really that unique but I wanted Kratos to have actual friends to hang out with for once LOL.

She was going to do a group order to try to reduce the costs. I thought maybe 4 weeks would give me enough time. In the end she said I only have 2. I work well under pressure, so needless to say, I did make that deadline. I actually sketched the whole thing on the plane headed home. - After playing the game the second time, watching the OVA again, and reading “Offerings to a Star,” I have gained a real soft spot for Yuan. My friend once said, “If you weren’t stolen away by Kratos, you would be in love with Yuan.” Lol. I’ve been in a “Kratos and Yuan hanging out” mood lately, so of course I needed something good for the zine. They’re so cute together! Now… what is the bro-est thing I can draw?

I was currently in Florida for my friend’s wedding. I was friends with the groom and his best man since high school, so that makes it 10 years now. Seeing how they’re still friends after all this time, despite living in opposite sides of the country, was really moving to me. Of course, me being me, I could see Kratos and Yuan’s long friendship being similar to this, if they had gone to school together. I just had to draw it. - When I got back from vacation, I did some research on zine sizes. Mine was HUGE compared to others. I just didn’t quite realize it until I held a magazine in my hands. It really is huge…

I settled for a medium size. 7x9. I really liked how it looked. Petite but not too petite. Unfortunately resizing my book had messed up my artwork placement so I spent hours rearranging all the text and resizing my images. I found out afterwards that there’s a way to retain the format while changing the document size. Gee, that would have been helpful 4 hours ago.

Sadly, choosing a custom size booklet makes printing more expensive. But I wanted it badly enough that I’d be willing to pay for it. Letter size is just too large… - I decided to stop dragging my feet and post a promo. I just really needed a deadline for myself to get this all done before July ended. I’m happy it was well-received. A lot of people like Kratos huh…

Anyway, the pre-order is due in a week and I still don’t know what all the costs are yet. I need a physical proof ASAP to weigh at the post office! - Something possessed me one day to do another drawing. I don’t usually do painterly style (mainly because it’s really difficult and takes 10x longer) but I just REALLY wanted to push myself on this Final Piece to the zine. I wanted it to be… radiant. Almost religious. I worked on it obsessively. From breakfast to sundown. The only time I would stop was at 7pm to go running or else my legs would give out on me.

Call me crazy, but I would save my progress on my phone so I could examine it for errors during my warmup. I also spend an hour examining it for errors before going to bed. It’s a miracle I hadn’t dreamt of the painting. - I sent my files in on Sunday in hopes that they start working on it first thing on Monday…. and it HAPPENED! They finished before I even woke up. I think they start work at like 6am…

Of course, I drove over there as soon as I heard so I can get a look. “Please… please let the colors be okay,” I prayed as I was driving. I barely remember driving there, I was so lost in thought. It would be another long ordeal if I had to fix all the colors.

Thank the stars. The press proof looked BEAUTIFUL!! I was screaming to the client coordinator how much I loved it. I mean, I worried for a looooong time that everything would turn out too dark (it usually does) but it was PERFECT. I was especially worried about the cover, which contained a lot of yellow and I def did not want it to come out mustardy… But it was great in the end!

The press operator is a quiet man. He’s got a scary face and never smiles but I think he’s secretly nice. He has done a lot of favors for me in the past without my asking. He was the one to print, bind, and trim the book for me. Obviously he had to have seen what I was drawing. I wonder what he thought of it…? He walked away before I could express how happy and thankful was. He didn’t need to hear it. It was like he already knew. So cool…

I immediately took it to the post office to weigh it. I needed as much info as I could get and plus, I was dying to know for myself. This is the week I was supposed to open pre-orders and there was still a lot I needed to do. Take pictures, create mockups, pricing, etc.

NGL, all of these costs were building up fast. It was so darn expensive to make a zine while also keeping prices down. But I wanted so much more for my baby. Extra glossy cover, perfect binding!! I knew by the end of this, I probably wouldn’t make much money. It hurt a little, but I tried to think that it was for the greater good. Learning experience and all that. And creating something beautiful. Especially something beautiful of Kratos. - Pricing was really the hardest part. I pretty much threw profit out the window. However, I definitely did not want to be losing money. My dad and I had worked together to create a spreadsheet of expenses to make sure my head was above water. I followed it… loosely.

My friend came to talk to me at the right moment. I was sort of panicking at the prices. She made me realize I was thinking way too hard about it and gave me some tips based on her own experience. It really put my mind at ease talking to someone who understands my woes.

The truth of the matter is, the book is wonderfully made and has a lot of pages - countless hours of drawing. There is only so much I can do about pricing. It is what it is… I just needed to come to terms with my own worth. - Boy, what am I going to do once the zine is done? My friend says that I’ll be so over Kratos that I’ll stop drawing him (but the love remains). It’s like… all of the intense planning, working, struggling nonstop will just suddenly… stop. TBH, I’m running out of ideas. I spent it all on the zine. - Photoshoot today. I had to paint my nails purple for this occasion. Unfortunately, I couldn’t get the look I wanted in the apartment. It’s just so naked without props. I think I’ll take it to a cafe for some nicer backgrounds. I talked it over with my friend and decided to do a quick flip-through of the zine as a promotional video. I used the most professional video program I had on hand… Snapchat. It actually turned out pretty legit and of course I slapped stickers on there because it’s Snapchat.

I had to tape/hide some of the pages for the video because I wasn’t actually done with the drawings. I had the printers print it anyway so I could examine it for color accuracy.

I’m really stressed about pricing now. It turns out I had a lot more international fans than I anticipated. I wish I took notes on interest earlier in the game to cater to them. I had a list of “possible buyers” and I only just now decided to check where they live? Foolish.

I did another cost analysis on paper to figure out what my goal was to make up for the charms. Right now they’ve cost me a fortune for something that was supposed to be giveaway. Other things that rack up are packaging costs, PayPal fees, and some other supplies I needed for this project.

Maybe I shouldn’t have made it 40 pages. It is an impressive number, but no one is really paying for quantity. I think 25 is a better number lol. If I had done that, I could have had my super-gloss cover like I wanted. :’(

There is hope though. And I’ve placed it in the hands of my followers to come through for me. I think I’ll open pre-orders on Saturday or Sunday, depending on what I finish. - “Losing your cool will only lead to poor decisions.”  Thanks, Kratos twitter bot. You always know what to say.

I read this post today on what makes people buy zines. Very interesting!  https://twitter.com/andythelemon_/status/1141469048653398019 - Photoshoot part 2 today. My friend and I went to a cafe nearby that had some nice atmosphere in hopes of finding the right shots. I brought all of my Kratos merch just in case. I’m glad I did though, since the tables were pretty sparse and it was difficult to capture the backgrounds without getting a bunch of random people in it too.

I would have been the photographer, but I definitely wanted my hands in the shots. In a way, it was meaningful - to show that this was made by my own two hands. Plus, I wanted to depict natural interaction with the product. It made it feel real.

The photos were cute! I feared it would look a little amateurish with all the merch in there, but I think fun was what I was really going for, not “professional.” And plus the flip-through was a Snap anyway LOL. As long as the photos have good lighting and tasteful composition, you really can’t go wrong with “fun.”

Now that I’ve finished editing my photos, there really isn’t anything holding me back from opening pre-orders. I’ve pretty much come to terms with my pricing. If I fail to break even, I’ll just have to open commissions to try to make up for it. I was telling my friend on the way home, “I gave this zine EVERYTHING I had to give. So at the very least, I won’t be disappointed in myself.” No stone left unturned, no detail left unchecked. It was perfect according to my standards. I really love my zine okay?!

I thought I was crazy for not only choosing a small fandom, I narrowed it down even further by picking ONE GUY to make this zine about. She replied, “Even if it’s small, those people who love him now must be EXTREMELY LOYAL to still be in love with a character from a 15-year-old game. All of them will want your zine.” - I went to bed that night with the intention of making the pre-order post live in the morning. I was so nervous I couldn’t sleep. I was wide awake until at least 5 or 6 am. Luckily, I was able to doze off for a an hour or two before I would shake myself awake again. It was a mixture of anxiety and excitement. It was the moment of truth - to see if all my effort made a difference. Was it going to sell? - The pre-order post looked really freaking good. I’ll give it that. I even made a YT account just to post that darn preview video on tumblr lol. It was definitely fun seeing everyone’s excitement and we all just freaked out together.

I broke even! That’s what really matters. Honestly at this point, I couldn’t care less if I made profit or not. I now know how much people really like the zine and that alone made me so happy I could die.

I was particularly fascinated at Google Form’s ability to transfer all the data collected into a spreadsheet. That is extremely helpful. I spent hours organizing the data. It was really fun…?! Now I can tell who gets invoiced and who paid and separate them into categories. IT’S FANTASTIC!

Stayed up late researching how much adding tracking could be. I had a slight panic attack thinking “what if my books got lost in transit?” It would really hurt me to have to reprint books and ship them again. And then I realized I will need to fill out customs forms for all international orders. Yikes, I’m gonna be living at the post office lol. You can print them out at home if you fill out the form online but there are still some things I’m uncertain about. I may visit the post office later this week to ask all my questions. - This morning I sent out everyone’s invoices. I gave the international people the option to purchase tracking. It’s expensive… but I need to provide that option just in case.

I received a nice message from someone who offered to advertise for me on Instagram. Of course, I gave them the OK! I’m really so shocked they would do that… They said the liked the zine so much it deserved more exposure. My dude… I love you… T_T

I thought about advertising on insta myself earlier in the week. For some reason I felt it was going to be fruitless since I don’t have an art account on there with a following. So, I gave up on the idea. Hey it worked out in the end.

I’ve never been so organized in my entire life. I want this zine experience to be perfect. The people have placed their trust in me, so I cannot mess up. - Edited some pages in the zine. The typography must be perfect… It made me think back to undergrad days in graphic design school. Man, if only I can present this as a project - photos, videos, matching accessories and all. I’d probably get an A lol. - Orders slow down after the first day. The rest is just about getting new people to see the post and giving other people more time to decide.

I finished my Kratos stationery today. It’s going to be so cute. My friend said people would want to buy it but I don’t have it in me to do more products at this time. Plus, I want it to be a surprise.

Why make stationery? Well my real job (no, I don’t draw Kratos all day for a living) is a stationery designer! It would feel really wrong not to put into practice what etiquette I’ve learned in this business. Plus, I felt that it was necessary to properly thank all those who ordered. And it’s fun?

I started designing the shipping labels for the domestic orders since I don’t need to fill out a customs form for those. I wish I had sticker labels but… it’s okay. It will still look good in the end. - Every so often, I would get nervous at the amount of money I’m responsible for. Perhaps, if I had a store with existing products I wouldn’t feel this way, but the fact that the books haven’t been printed yet made me scared. I know, I need this money to even print the books in the first place, but I’m just baffled at my customers’ trust in almost a total stranger. I felt pressured that I could not let them down and lose that trust. It probably didn’t help that I watched a documentary on Elizabeth Holmes (Theranos) that day.

So, I prayed every single day that nothing would go wrong. I’d check my spreadsheet constantly for any mistakes. It was a little obsessive, but I would rather be that than overlook something.

I began collecting cardboard boxes. My plan was to cut them up to protect the books during transit. I would have preferred hard envelopes but they were a bit pricey. If I have to do more work myself, so be it.

I’ve been getting nice DMs from some buyers. I think my invoice due date scared them… I really did not intend to be strict, but I wanted people to pay now if they can rather than forget about it. This happens at work all the time, so the best thing to do is have it due immediately. It would not look good to have to wait on stragglers when I close pre-orders, so I’ll probably reach out when there is one week left. - My Kratos stationery arrived! Aww it is SO CUTE!!! My babies… I have a lot of notes to write so I got started right away. It’s going to be a lot of work trying to come up with creative ways to say “thank you,” but I don’t mind. I said I was going to put my all into the zine experience so I will.

At long last, the charm order has been put in motion. My friend said it could take a while… I hope it won’t be longer than 3 weeks. I really do not want to keep everyone waiting. I may ship out the ones who did not win a charm first. I mean, there is no reason to make those guys wait. I should ask the charm winners if they still want to wait and see if anyone wants to give it up for someone else who is more patient. Hm. - I finally stopped by the post office today to collect customs forms. I have my work cut out for me since I’m filling all of them in by hand. D:

I’m not used to international addresses so I think I’ll ask for help in checking them for spelling errors and typos. Heaven forbid I mess up on the very last part of the zine experience.

In my nervousness, I decided to reach out about invoices early on. If someone wanted to cancel, I would rather find out sooner rather than later. Everyone was really nice about paying and thank goodness they’re still excited.

Feeling kind of overwhelmed by all the things I need to do, but it’s a good thing. If I don’t know what to do, I can either: cut cardboard, write letters, type shipping labels, draw more Kratos for a… possible volume 2? Someone I talked to today already said they’ll pre-order a second book if I make one. Omg I think I’ll die. But we’ll see. It’s just a joke right now haha… - Preorders end today. I had another nightmare last night that the books could not be printed properly and there was nothing I could do. Why do I keep getting nightmares about the zine! I had one a few days before about people canceling their orders when I asked them about the invoices. I’ll take these dreams with a grain of salt. I’m probably just stressed/worried but everything is going to be okay. When I open my eyes, nothing is on fire.

I received my final proof a few days ago. With all of the artwork completed and changes applied. The book looks good, no doubt about it. There was only one thing I was nit-picky about but it can be fixed. The press operator offered to print another book for me to inspect. I’ll go see it on Monday and then submit the rest of the orders. I also asked to to have a meeting with the press operator so we are on the same page. It would be beneficial to have an understanding of how my book is made so that I may be more helpful to him.

I spent the day preparing shipping labels. I hate to admit, I am not too familiar with the format international addresses so I had an address validator open as I was typing them in. For the most part, everyone was helpful in already formatting their addresses in the preorder form! - My parents called me the day after preorders were closed. They wanted to say congratulations on my success. No one thought it would do this well. I couldn’t be offended by that since I was also guilty of it. I’m happy though. It feels like my love spread across the world and was contagious.

I tried to think of what advice I would give to others. Obviously, genuine love for the subject and hard work were a necessity. But it would be good to consider value. If I were selling it at this price, I had to make sure my pieces and presentation looked the part. I ask myself, if someone else sold it, would I buy it?

I sent out messages to all the charm winners in the morning. I wanted to apologize profusely at the ridiculous amount of time it has taken to get them made. But no, I’ve got to stop apologizing. I stated the facts and left it at that. Everyone was really kind and patient⁠—to which I was thankful for. I don’t usually get that when I’m working customer service. - All the books were done printing in one day. Wow! I went to pick it up immediately of course. I can’t believe all of this is coming to an end. I finished preparing the mailers. All that was left was to stuff and seal the domestic orders. They were the easiest to do so I’m going to ship those first. The rest will need customs forms, which I haven’t filled out just yet. It’s going to be a while for those…

The mailers were quite sturdy with the cardboard cutouts I slipped in them. I have nothing to worry about. I’m sure my babies will be okay! - I took a whole box of domestic orders to the post office today. Wasn’t sure what to expect. But my clerk had to input every single address one at a time while I checked for errors. Omg, why are the post office shipping labels SO HUGE. I thought it was going to be half the size. And they’re ruining my designer labels! Slight panic but oh well…

I had a long long line behind me. I’m so sorry, people. Luckily there were two clerks or I would be really sweating. Despite my intimidating box of zines, the clerk and I had Synergy and we managed to ship all of these in about 15 minutes. I received a very long receipt and quite the bill lol. - Shipped the international orders today. I was kind of a mess since I had no idea what to do. I keep wondering if I can help speed up the process in any way but I don’t think I have the option to ship first-class at home.

When shipping international, keep the post office copy of the customs forms together with the package since they use that to type the address info into the system. Also, we get free tracking, which I did not know about. The other clerk told me that we did not get tracking for international first-class but I guess he was misinformed. It’s good to know for next time. - The charms finally arrived!! And THEY’RE HOLOGRAPHIC?! It was pretty awesome, but it makes picture-taking kind of difficult!! Anyway, I was a tiny bit disgruntled that they got my order incorrect, and I even asked for a reprint. But they said no, so I left it at that. Besides, it seems the holographic effect was well-received.

I like this size that I made. It’s really cute! Larger than your normal charm but not too huge. It’s almost like an Instax photo! - There was one customer who I found lives near me! I asked her if she wanted me to hand-deliver it to her in a public setting and she agreed (to my amazement). We finally met a few days ago and talked for hours and hours lol! I’m glad to have finally made a new friend here in this town but of course she’s moving away in two weeks. <:’3

We’re going to meet again to make the most of her time left. - I shipped the rest of the orders on the following Monday. I HAD to get these out. The poor guys have been waiting over a month! I think I picked a bad time to go because I had a huge line behind me and only one guy working. People in line were getting antsy or mad. The clerk at the other post office was super fast but not this guy…

For some reason shipping to the UK and Japan nearly doubled in price since the last time I checked. RIP. T_T - Omg I finally made a mistake. I wrote a letter to the wrong person. And the contents of that letter are too personalized!!! I am dying of embarrassment!!!!! Screams!! Had to apologize to both customers too!!! Luckily they were good sports about it but I’m seriously kicking myself AAAAAAAA!!!! - The most rewarding part after sending all my babies away is seeing the commentary on my project. It is so so nice to receive positive feedback. People are happy! Happy with something I created out of thin air. Everything was worth it 1000 times over. I can die happy!

I’m especially thankful to those who show understanding for how much effort went into it. It definitely wasn’t easy and I poured way too many hours into it… not that I regret that.

I don’t want to jump the gun but I would really love to make a volume 2. Because I know I can do better than last time. New and improved art and comics! But we’ll see if I make enough pieces for another book. I was against printing 40 pages before but now I kind of like it. It feels more worth it than a 25-page zine. If i’m going though so much effort, might as well bring in the entire package.

I’ll be printing more of this volume for Aselia Con 2020. Now I know people will appreciate it.

#diary

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klootzbooks · 5 years ago

Text

A Quick Reflection

At long last, we’re at the end of the road for this project, and looking back on it, it’s been an interesting journey.

Back at the beginning, I remember being so excited about this project; of taking on a book-writing and -designing endeavour and creating something that’s entirely my own. The first step in that process was of course to write the book. I am of the belief that you really shouldn’t design something if you don’t have the content yet. More often than not, it just means you’ll be doing the work twice. So I needed to crank out a manuscript as soon as possible.

As someone who loves writing and used to aspire to become a writer as a child, this was relatively easy. It required very little research as I was drawing from a bank of knowledge I already possessed. Most of the book is also very explanatory, so it’s just a matter of breaking down concepts. In the final manuscript, I did cover everything that needed to be addressed, at least in passing, but if I had more time to develop the project, my manuscript likely would have been longer. The time constraints did force me to keep it to the essentials. Ideally, I’d have delved deeper into my personal stories within the sport to make it a more even balance between the explanatory and the personal content. Curling also involves a lot of quirky technicalities that could have been expanded upon.

When it came to the design, I knew that was where the main challenge would lie. At first I had this very clear image in my mind of what this thing would look like, but it became quickly apparent that I was lacking in the photography department. Having the book rely entirely on illustration would have been awfully risky because 1) my illustration skills are not quite up to par yet, and 2) because of the latter, I’m kind of slow at illustrating; my process isn’t the most efficient. Knowing the length of the book, this idea was almost insurmountable.

When I went home for Thanksgiving is when the project really took a substantial turn in terms of its design direction. I thought to myself, “You know what? Why not ask for the curling club photo albums? You never know.” This is probably one of the advantages of living in a very small, close-knit community. After calling up the woman who oversees the town’s curling club, for whom I’d worked three summers ago, I then found myself struggling to carry a big cardboard box loaded with twenty-some photo albums.

Browsing through those albums was like getting sucked into the past. Each photograph would contain people I knew, and some people I didn’t, experiencing a livelier version of the town I grew up in. A version that I’d always heard about, almost to the point of being mythologized, from the older adults in town, my parents included.

To give some context... My hometown is small, but prior to the 2000s, the place was thriving. There was a plethora of restaurants and stores, lots of community programs, and even a healthy nightlife. By the time I was born, things were on the decline, due to struggles concerning the pulp mill in town, which was the primary employer in town. In 2005, that mill shut down, and I can say without a shadow of a doubt that that’s when the town effectively died. In my class, there were 25 students, but once the mill closed, we suddenly dropped to 10. A vast number of people were forced to move away in pursuit of a new job.

In essence, the photos captured a time that I didn’t have the privilege of experiencing, yet they were incredibly vivid. Having this resource at my disposal, I had to scan a bunch of the photos, though I had no idea how I would include them.

It almost seemed a waste not to use the photographs, so I now faced the challenge of blending those old, pixelated images with my simple and sleek illustration style. This was probably the exercise from which I learned the most; it added a diversity to the visual aesthetic of the project in a way that most of my past projects haven’t been able to achieve. I think the solid expanses of colour and the quirkier, blocky typeface helped bridge the two aesthetic styles, but also the fact that the book was kept simple. Nothing crazy was going on with the layout, which gave a wider playing field for these two elements to interact harmoniously.

In retrospect, I’m very grateful for my past self for setting deadlines for myself. I’m not someone who can leave something to the last minute because it gives me paralyzing anxiety. Even a week before something is due is often cutting it too close for me. More than two weeks is ideal. Thanks to this steady progress I had established early on, the printing issues I encountered were able to be resolved with ample time before the hand-in date. I can just imagine my chest pains if I’d waltzed into The Printing House on the week of the due date, and wound up having to quickly come up with a plan B within a matter of days.

That complication did lead me to find this other nifty printing service downtown; something that I can definitely use again in the future, now that I know their rates and turnaround times.

All in all, I’m quite proud of the final product, though as previously mentioned, if I had more time, I would have loved to expand upon it even further. Life, however, works in strange ways, and due to some recent developments, I may end up getting the opportunity to do exactly that.

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poufpuffins · 7 years ago

Photo

In this first trimester, I have been covering the two main roles of producer and editor in ‘Chilli Mango’, which has been renamed as ‘INT. RESTAURANT – DAY’. I have to be honest, my main interest has never been producing and neither editing. I have always wanted to write and direct– but since my script had not been chosen, I thought that it would have been helpful to experience other roles, especially editing; which is much more creative than producing in my view.

Producing hasn’t really crossed my mind, although I have had some experience as producer, until in class they asked: ‘who wants to produce Chilli Mango?’. I remember there was an embarrassing silent moment in which no one answered, and then I raised my hand, unsure of what I was doing. Everyone scrutinized me. I feel like the general reaction was – what? Irene producing?! This is going to be a real mess! -. I think I don’t have the fame of being the most organized, so my classmates were quite surprised, also because they knew that producing has never interested me that much. I blushed violently, realizing what I had just done.

However, I don’t regret my decision at all. We have been going through hard times, and I really learnt a lot. I challenged myself and I found out that my organizational skills are not that bad, after all (I mean, I’m not a disaster, at least). What brought me to produce Chilli Mango was mainly the script, which I thought was quite an original piece, and the fact that Luca was directing it: I have always liked his style, but I never got the chance to work with him before. I also think that I have a tendency to throw myself headlong into the most improbable projects – I’d say, it’s a lifestyle.

The reason why I call Chilli Mango an improbable project is because it required much effort production wise. There were various things that could have gone wrong and many things that indeed went wrong, but as I said elsewhere, I think the most important thing in film and in creative fields is flexibility. In certain moments we have been laughing of desperation. If in these moments we had not come up with a creative way of bypassing the obstacle, we would have been stuck and sunk into a quicksand. I’m talking about problem solving, which I think is the funniest part in producing. Harder it is, funnier it is.

As soon as we pitched, Luca and me started forming the crew. This was an apparently easy step. At this stage of the process everything was running a bit slow because the script was not ready. We had an early production meeting in which we also discussed the script together. The director (Luca), the first assistant director (Alex) and the director of photography (Kelvin) attended it. I had already started scheduling before that. We set up individual and common goals; and general deadlines. In my schedule, I counted approximately three weeks for pre-production and three weeks for post-production.

The ideal weeks to shoot were the last week of October and the first week of November, to leave a fair amount of time for both pre and postproduction. The first thing I did was asking everyone’s availability. It was clear that we only had two days each week in which all the crew was available, due to everyone’s commitments. At the same time, Luca and me worked together to find a location. He made me understand which type of place he was going for, and I went location scouting, documenting my findings through pictures.

We needed two locations: a bedroom and a restaurant. The bedroom would ideally be spacious in order to fit the whole crew, and silent. The restaurant, not too noisy and well lit. I thought that finding a bedroom in Edinburgh would have been the easiest thing, but that was just apparently easy. Indeed, all the bedrooms I found were either too noisy (because they were close to busy roads) or too small. I finally found a room which seemed perfect, and Luca liked it as well.

Regarding the restaurant, I proceeded mainly by sending emails to restaurants’ managers/owners and talking to them in person, leaving written letters for them to read afterwards, so they would have had my contacts if needed. At first, I was attempting to convince them to let us film in their restaurants while they were closed. However, this required them to open the location specifically for us for approximately four hours; and most of them were not willing to do that. I eventually found Akva, which I thought could have been a good compromise as it has two floors and during the weekdays no one really uses the second floor – so there would have been relatively less noise and more space for us to film. I agreed with the managers to film there the 31st of October by letting them sign the location agreement.

However, we had some trouble with the crew’s availability at this point, as Kelvin took another commitment the day we planned to film. I will not discuss here this – I think there has been a misunderstanding and I either haven’t been enough clear in communicating the dates, or Kelvin just forgot about it. The issue was that it was the only day possible for filming in that specific location I found. Indeed, the date we planned to film was Thursday 2nd November – but Kelvin couldn’t make it. The only other date in which everyone was available was Saturday 4th November. But the bedroom was not available during the weekends. This was hard to sort out.

Filming the week after was off the table, because it would have been too late (we also had a crit the Thursday after, so it wouldn’t have been possible in any case). I tried to talk both to Kelvin and to Whole’s producer, because Whole and Chilli Mango had clashing shooting dates, but they have been irremovable. I was extremely desperate at that stage, but in only one afternoon I found a location in which we could have filmed on Saturday 4th November, and all the problems were solved: the room was big and quiet, but we required the production designer to work on it because it was quite tidy and we wanted it to be chaotic.

We only started casting when locations and schedule were mostly set, since I wanted to communicate to the actors the possible dates and the locations to make everything easier. The casting has been another long and extenuating stage. I posted the casting call in different Facebook groups and I sent it through emails to acting schools; we also used Mandy. We even got applications from London. Surprisingly enough, we got more replies by actors from Glasgow. At first, Luca, Alex and me decided to ask them to send us self-taped auditions, but it didn’t really work. So we set up two dates: 17th October for auditions in Edinburgh and 24th October for auditions in Glasgow.

Alex, Luca and me went to Glasgow together twice; once for auditions and once for rehearsals. I mostly managed both and scheduled them – I was indeed the one keeping in touch with actors (even if Luca also sent emails to them when communicating our decisions). Alex, Luca and me also discussed together the performances to decide which actor suited which role. Production wise, it has been quite problematic for the fact that most of the actors we decided to cast were coming from outside Edinburgh, and we had to pay for transport as we wrote it on the call sheet.

We had several issues considering the budget. For example, one actress asked us if it was possible to come by car. We said yes because after checking on Google it seemed that it wouldn’t have been much more expensive than taking the bus. But after that, she gave us the receipt pretending us to pay for twenty pounds, which is much for a single person’s travel expenses, considering that it is a student project. I recognise it has been our fault: we should have set a percentage up to which we could have covered the costs and we should have communicated that to the actress. I think one of the main mistakes I made is that I haven’t done any budgeting during pre-production, since we had zero budget, but I am now 100% sure of the fact that any film has a budget.

Another thing that happened is that during the shooting one of the actors had lunch in the restaurant and gave us the receipt, again, pretending us to pay for it (while we had never specified that we would have covered for it). Again, I recognise it could have been my fault because, as I found out later, there must always be food on set; even if it’s a 4 hours shoot (however, it may also be true that the actor decided to take advantage of the situation). For the other date, indeed, we had plenty of food and drinks, prepared by Alex; with whom I worked closely for the risk assessment, the shooting shotlist, the schedule and the call sheets.

The shooting ran smoothly thanks to Alex, who is a very good 1st AD, and also because we tried to eliminate most of the problems during the pre-production phase. For example, Luca had almost thirty shots initially – but we worked together to take approximately ten shots out of the shotlist, because otherwise we would have had trouble with the schedule. Also, I think we have been pretty successful in managing the times in which the actors were coming and going (each of them had their own commitments, and this all made everything more difficult, but we made it).

Another issue we had during the pre production was the costumes, and in particular Avocado’s costume. We had a production designer and costumer who has been working on it since mid October, but Luca was not completely happy with it as he thought it was not much cinematic. We even thought of changing the script (which had to be revised in any case after the casting); but we didn’t do it, and I think that the theatrical style of the prop makes the performance of the Avocado even funnier.

I started editing right after we finished shooting, the Monday after. However, it took a whole week to import, synchronize and log all the footage – also because I was not that confident with Avid, at least at the beginning. I worked with Luca at first, watching all the footage with him, and then I started working on my own by creating different sequences, but I took in consideration Luca’s preferences regarding the performances. On Monday, 20th November I had a rough cut – however, there was still much to work on.

After the tutorial session I had with Catriona, I decided to follow her suggestions and I took out a whole part of the script to make it flow. I enjoyed cutting the film a lot – I felt like I had the responsibility to take out all the unnecessary, something that Luca didn’t agree with first, but he resigned when he saw that it was working better. I also enjoyed a lot intertwining the plot and the different shots to make of the film something meaningful, considering facial expressions and subtexts too.

Overall, I think we achieved our aim, as the film works and most of the people find it funny and touching. But there are several things I would like to change: the sound design and the colour correction are not the best, mainly because we spent much time working on the picture and we didn’t leave enough time for sound design and colour correction. Indeed, we kept having feedback on the picture until four days before the deadline; and we couldn’t have worked on sound and colour without having the picture locked. However, we’re going to refine both sound and colour quite soon so that we’ll be completely happy with it.

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