#started somewhere and rambled

[ohtoburden]

thinking about my dad breaking down crying in the car while driving me to school when he and my mom were separated, and how he said he still loved her.

like, did he?

wouldn't he have listened to her when she talked about how his family was treating her badly? wouldn't he have stepped in? wouldn't he have taken her side in enforcing punishment for us kids when we did something wrong? being the sole bread winner, when you agreed to that dynamic before marriage, isn't enough.

mom had the qualifications to work, she could have done it. she wanted to do it but she thought that if it was with dad, she'd be happy to have kids and be a stay at home parent.

and she cheated on him, because she felt he wasn't there for her emotionally, after all those years. it's it cheating if you don't feel like the relationship is real anymore? if you feel abandoned in it?

i mean personally yeah, it's cheating. have it out with the man and leave him, christ. but also i sort of understand her.

i don't know what kind of love has you so absent from your relationship, so unable to communicate or change or compromise or discuss when possible are first brought up, but then somehow has you break down to your kid about years later.

also man, i don't know what an appropriate relationship with your parents is supposed to be like, but that moment was so baffling. i always thought my parents were ill-matched. that they got into fights all the time. i didn't understand why they'd married. and i was a teenager dealing with so many issues, it just felt so stupid.

like, why are you breaking down to me, 16, currently suicidal, traumatised by your and mom's parenting, engaging in self destruction behind closed bathroom and bedroom doors. what on earth are you doing. what was i supposed to do with that? what was i supposed to do about it? we were on the way to school, for christ's sake. i had just a normal full day of classes ahead. i was 16. what the hell.

and now later as an adult. after my parents finally fully separated. before my dad found someone new to see. him coming to my room at 3 in the morning to check on me, but i'm always awake at those hours, so we end up talking. and we talk about his life and mine but in such a way that i am somehow basically a therapist.

who opens up to their 23 year old about being bullied in grade school, and that they've never told literally anyone else. not his parents, not his siblings, not his friends. how am i the first person you tell about this? that's so sad for him, that it took me for him to finally find someone to open up to. it took me being me, but also him not having a Wife he could pretend everything was ok with. that his lofe was exactly where he wanted it to he.

because as soon as he started seeing his new partner the pseudo therapy sessions with me stopped, of course. as soon as he started seeing her he was fine! i can't remember if i told him about the issues he gave me before or after he started seeing her, but that talk was in the daytime. you know, like a normal conversation. jesus christ.

[lazylittledragon]

hi i'm unw el l

[verflares]

collection of some loz origin au stuff i've been chipping away at for awhile now ^_^ with a healthy amount of dunmeshi insp for good measure LOL (the ooccoo isnt relevant she's just here for size comparison purposes)

feat my beloved good friend @linkvcr's hylia design also. because i am obsessed with her and you should be too 🫵

[ohitslen]

Uni AU where Kni and Vash have an argument and Kni is like “so what? Are you just gonna walk away from the issue???” And Vash just goes “YEAH ACTUALLY I AM” and just walks out of the house and leave Kni there sooo bewildered

Vash drives to his house and feels so accomplished and good about standing up to Kni and then cries inconsolably on the living room floor where Wolfwood finds him and lays down in there with him while he scrolls through his phone. He says nothing until Vash has let it all out and they go to buy burgers and eat them on the sidewalk

[fruitsofhell]

I used to be one of those guys when I first joined the Kirby fandom, but everytime I hear a discussion of the series writing that starts with "So the Lore is InSaNe-" and not like, "Kirby has a fun writing style that takes advantage of its cute exterior to tell cool stories that reward player's curiosity and leave lots of room for imagination-" I cringe so goddamn hard.

I kinda just hate that people approach things that encourage investment when they don't expect it as inherently absurd. Like it is fun to joke about how absurd Kirby lore can be, but it really often comes with an air of disrespect or exhaustion rather than like, appreciation that these games are made by people who want to tell interesting stories when they could easily make as much money just making polished enough fluffy kiddy platformers. And when it's not met with exhaustion, it's met with - like I said before - that tone that it's stupid for a series like this TO have devs who care about writing stuff for it. Which is a whole other thing about people not respecting things made to appeal to kiddie aesthetic or tone.

Maybe the state of low-stakes YouTube video essays just blows cause people play up ignorance and disbelief for engagement, but like I STG I hear people use this tone for like actual narrative based games sometimes. Some people don't like... appreciate when a game is made by people who care a shitton in ways that aren't direct gameplay feedback. And they especially don't appreciate it when it comes from something with any sense of tonal dissonance intentional or not.

Anyways, I love games made by insane people. I love games made by teams who feel like they wanna make something work or say something so bad. I love that energy, especially when invested into something that could easily rest on its laurels or which obviously won't be taken seriously. I love this in a lot of classic campy 2000s games, I love this in insanely niche yet passionate fanworks, and I love it in the Kirby series and its writing. Can we please stop talking about it like it's an annoyance or complete joke?

[snoopeie]

Art, BPD and Splitting.

It's the way that, prior to meeting Tashi, Art accepted that he will spend the rest of his life playing second fiddle to Patrick. I mean, "I'm already at peace with the fact that you're going to win" is literally the foundation of their dynamic. Art was content to watch himself lose, to be teased by Patrick constantly, because it meant being close to the one person that offered him a sense of identity at the time. He thought Patrick is so cool, so talented, that anything he wanted, Art wanted 10 times more. Patrick wanted to be fire, so Art wanted to be fire (this wasn’t in the actual film, it's a line in the script). Patrick was fantasizing about Kat Zimmerman, so Art asked to be let into that fantasy. Patrick wanted Tashi, so Art wanted Tashi so much it made him sick (he wanted Tashi so much that she became his next FP). You get the gist. Meeting Tashi, another person Art thought was so cool and so talented, made Art see another version of himself, another identity he wanted to consume (Mike's words, not mine). That's what made Patrick slip off the pedestal a bit, but it wasn't until Art felt like Patrick was taunting and humiliating him, with the same traits Art previously wanted for himself mind you, that he fell off completely. You can see this seething anger he has towards Patrick in the sauna scene, anger that has real pain and hurt behind it, the pain of allowing himself to be sidelined by a person he loved. That moment where he told Patrick "It's not about where you come from in tennis Patrick. It's about winning. And I do. A lot" that's him saying "see, I took these things from you and I actually made something of them, something you couldn't do". The "you never grew up so and I'm so mad at you for it, because at a certain point in time, I respected you so much that I wanted to be you".

source : https://lifeasalunatic.substack.com/p/borderline-personality-disorder-bpd

[damiduck]

Tim is one of those people that get such baby fever it's crazy. Also, he sees teen moms and yeah, he realises they probably have it very hard, but also,,, look at them. He's so fucking envious it's insane.

And one day after a league member brought their new baby to meet the team or sum, Tim is fucking done. He's tried so hard to fight it, but in the end he's no all powerful being. So, he slams open the door to Bruce's study and without prompting, "you have got to put a baby in me." And Bruce, without even looking up, goes "we can't baby".

Tim frantically fumbles over his words as he tries to explain they can just really really pretend and he really needs this bruce c'mon.

They've dabbled in a little bit of Tim's breeding kink before, but Bruce was always adamant about condoms and Tim has been on two forms of birth control for years (better to be absolutely prepared for anything in the field).

That night Tim begs and pleads (and edges) Bruce until he gives in and they do it without a condom. Bruce says he will pull out however. But he with how much Tim riled him up and the newer feeling of Tim's pretty pussy around him fully bare, Bruce can't even last a minute, and he would never leave his baby so empty so soon. He also can't help his hips stuttering forward as he's cumming, blames it on Tim locking his legs around him.

It should be fine, right? It has been for the past two years (and yea maybe Bruce has been poking tiny, inconspicuous holes in the condoms for almost as long as they've been doing this, he just can't stand the thought of his sweet little baby Timmy with anyone else besides him, so this is the way to make sure of that). Except Tim stopped taking his birth control a year ago, and had the implant taken out a few months prior. He knew a baby, Bruce's baby especially, would help not only him but the whole family. He had to do it. For completely selfless reasons ofcourse!!

So yeah, maybe theyve been trying to baby trap eachother for years/months now,,, but neither expected this time to actually catch....

[anonymouscheeses]

HEAR ME OUT!! VAGGIE IN A SUIT THING 😍

[ughgoaway]

thinking about drunk teacher girlie out on a night out with the women of the 1975 and the drunk phone calls that follow, of course.

✿❀✿✿❀✿✿❀✿✿❀✿✿❀✿✿❀✿✿❀✿✿❀✿

you sneaking off to the bathroom to call matty after a couple of guys hit on you, and it's just drunk rambling about how much you like him.

"and there was this really tall guy. like wayyyy taller than you-"

matty cuts you off mid-sentence, saying, "Alright, I don't know if I needed that bit of info, but -"

"SHH MATTHEW LISTEN. he was all like 'oh you're so hot you should come home with me', and I finally got to say 'no, I have a boyfriend.' Isn't that so cool!!"

"very cool my love," I like to think it's the first time you use the term "boyfriend" when talking about matty to him, so he gets a little flustered at you finally saying he's your boyfriend. but he doesn't put too much weight on it, considering the whole "drunk out of your mind" thing.

so yeah, it's early on in the relationship. And whilst obviously, matty knows you like him, but he didn't quite know how much.

"and I just think you're so pretty. I used to always tell my friends about your pretty curly hair." You ramble, slurring your words, but matty can still just about make out what you're saying, "I want to do your hair. Will you let me?" You perk up immediately at the thought, and matty can't help but lightly laugh at how excited you sound.

"Of course darling, you can do it tomorrow, yeah?" matty is already grabbing his keys as he talks to you, preparing to inevitably come pick you up

"Mmm, yeah. then we can have a shower together. and I can steal your nice shampoo, the lavender one." You're leaning against the sink as you talk, and you can feel yourself getting more and more tired with each word.

"Will you come get me matty, m'tired. and I wanna see you, my pretty boyfriend. " You complain, and before you even finish your sentence, you can hear the engine roar to life on the other side of the phone.

"Be there in 20"

//////

matty manages to get there and soon wrangles you away from charli, who at first doesn't recognise matty and shouts at him for "kidnapping! wait, or is adultnapping?"

after minimal fighting and a lot of flirting from you ("Do you know you're like, really hot? a proper dilf. " "Yes darling, that's the 3rd time you've told me I'm a dilf, thank you though.") Matty gets you in bed, but before long, you start whining about your makeup being on.

"ughhh it's gonna be so bad for my skin. but m'too sleepy. oh well!" You try to flip over and burrow into the pillows, but matty stops you and pulls you to sit up before running off you get your makeup wipes.

"Nope, it'll only take 3 minutes, and I'll do it for you, sweetheart. You just sit there and look pretty, yeah?" You hum happily at being called pretty, and stay on the bed trying not to fall asleep sitting up.

Matty quickly searches his cupboards for anything you've left behind on your nights staying over. he stumbles across a pack of makeup wipes and briefly remembers you saying something about just them not being enough. But honestly, the way your eyes are drooping, he knows it's more about speed than technical skill at this point.

he gently wiped at your eyes, making sure to get the mascara off, "because I know it always burns your eyes, baby. just a few more wipes, I promise."

soon enough, you're passed out snoring on the pillow, and matty is getting you comfy before settling beside you.

///////

now... the next day at school? hellish. 30 screaming 6 year olds + a killer hangover is not a good combo. and you almost feel like scolding carly for convicing you to go out, but to be honest, you were just as bad an influence.

matty brings you a coffee at lunch, "knew you'd be absolutely hanging, sweetheart. was no trouble popping in, really." he says with a sweet smile and a takeaway coffee.

you immediately have a few sips of the coffee, sighing happily as the hot liquid falls down your throat. you put the drink down after chugging a little bit too much at once, but that's forgotten as soon you pull matty into a deep kiss as a token of your appreciation.

After a few seconds too long with a little bit too much tongue for a kiss at school, matty pulls away a little bit dazed and blinking hard. "I'll bring you coffee everyday if that's the welcome I get, fucking hell"

So he brings you coffee whenever he can get away from then on, switching to herbal tea once you get pregnant with baby healy no.2 <3

[anonymouscreampuff]

sometimes you just gotta draw sad old men

ft marcy and the vampire king(who technically is an old man)

[lightbulb-warning]

so has anyone figured out WHY there is the Need To Share our Artworks™ or is it just the vibes and our Soul apparently

[l0ganberry]

I wanted to try something new and more cute, so here!

Puppy Barnaby with caterpillar Howdy!!

💙🐶💚🐛

[insufferablemod]

Life is wild,,, I'm likely gonna say no to what has been my dream job for like 10 years or something,,,???

[writingjourney]

Feel like it's time to tackle another bigger project soon (once I am done with the next two IKNBS chapters) but I can't decide – should I do the dark-ish Primo poison garden fic, the Cardi bookstore in Rome fic, the domestic Copia fic, the Secondo ritualistic accidents nurse fic or the super secret Secondo sculptor fic?

[darkkitty1208]

on fic writing and fandom: where am i going forward?

So. It's a bloody dull Friday and I'm writing this post--have been meaning to, for a while--because I can't stop thinking about it. It's just a few (a lot, actually) thoughts I've had in my mind the past few days that I've decided to spill into a single post, which turned out far longer than it needed to be, but nothing too important. Under the cut.

I've been a fanfic writer for a while now. Not a long time by any means, but a while nonetheless. My first fic--which is now orphaned like a few of its brothers for undisclosed reasons, though if you're an og you might be able to guess why--was dated back to the 18th of November 2021. 3 years later and I've got a humble 89 works and counting (the orphaned works and unposted wips unincluded). I can safely say I've improved quite a lot since then.

Where are you going with this, then, Kitty? Surely you aren't here just to brag about your writing progress?

Well. Not exactly. But I'll start with this: I guess what I'm trying to say is I've lost the spark.

You know. The old feeling. That boost of serotonin you get after you finish a piece you're proud of, or when you get lovely reviews on ao3, or when you get a kudos email, or a new mutual, or some wild tags under your silly post. The spark. I haven't felt it in a long time, now. The last time it's been so palpable was... I'm not sure. Probably last year's October. That was a lot of fun. I was most prolific in fic writing, that year. It shouldn't feel like a long time ago. Because it wasn't.

Don't get me wrong. I love all this. All that's going on right now. The comments I'm getting--even if fewer than I had before--and all the other interactions, I appreciate and enjoy and love them so, so much. And writing my newer fic projects are well exciting. But it just isn't the same anymore. I'm afraid it never will be.

(Maybe it has something to do with the lack of interactions lately. Maybe? I don't really know, either. I'm sure we're all well aware the fandom is past its peak, and with the current developments in the MCU I am frankly unsurprised, but I dunno.)

I guess that's part of the reason I've been less active lately. I've been inactive as a whole this year, admittedly, and disappearing far too often for far too long (and I notice some of my friends are, too). I just didn't get the same joy from being in a fandom like I had when I first started this blog, or my ao3 account.

In hindsight, I've probably been a little too dependent on fandom to provide me serotonin. The past few years have been hard, the years before that, too. Life just keeps kicking me in the arse time and time again. I guess I've been using fandom and fic writing as a coping mechanism, and once I've had my fill, the joy dies off to something a little more dull. Like a gum I've been chewing for too long that the sweetness has since worn off.

Honestly? I don't want it to be this way. I want to live without being so dependent on my presence online. I want to live without only knowing joy through internet interactions. I've got to learn to. It sounds silly, but it's true. (I think I may be slightly chronically online, oh no. x'D)

So naturally my first instinct is to distance myself a little. I contemplated quitting, but I can't do that. I don't see myself ever doing that, no matter how many times my brain convinces me that I might.

When this year started, I had set some goals for writing. One of them was to write for more whumptober prompts than I did last year or complete them all. I did like 21 prompts or something last year. Of 31. Within a little more than a month. While still balancing all the life stuff I had going on. This is, if not obvious, an extremely ambitious goal. I am not insane. I don't know what I was thinking. I can't possibly do that now, can I? Not with all the stuff that's been happening.

...

Can I?

...

Yeah, no. Definitely not.

See, that's another thing: writing. Probably the thing I'm trying to get at in this post but otherwise derailed completely from. Fuck my brain.

I'm sure many of you have noticed that I've been writing significantly less. I still post, obviously, but not as much as like, last year when the number of works I had went from a few to far too much. That had helped me improve quite a lot, actually, but those days I barely slept because I just insisted to replace my sleep time with Writing Shit For The Gays. It was pretty unhealthy now that I look back at it. My sleep schedule is still shit now but, yk. Some things just never change.

I was really, really caught up on wanting to be good at writing. Like, really good. I wanted to make awesome things. I wanted to write like a real fucking pro. Like all the more popular fandom authors I look up to. I want to be like the big dogs in fandom. It sounds so silly. I did everything; sprinting daily, setting a minimum of 500 words writing sessions every day, trying new writing styles, churning out works after works, writing for prompts and events and gifts and the like. I was enjoying it, yes, but was it really something I did for myself? Or was it because I wanted to please other people or impress other people for their validation, which is something I'm entirely too dependent of? Was it for the numbers?

Well. It was more for that than for me, I realised a little too late.

So yeah. Fuck wanting to be good. I want to write for the hell of it. I want to write something that's for me. Not what the majority of the fandom or other people want to read, but for me. Which is why I absolutely loved writing works like just a matter of time, how to kill a god, or how to become a god, because they're not meant for other people but myself. (Ironically that last work is a gift but, yk. I still liked it.) I know I joke about self-projecting a lot, but it's been seriously helping me rediscover the joy of writing that doesn't come from the incessant need to be good or perfect or focus on producing more and more and more. It makes me feel like a kid again. Also, I'm only realising this now but I'd rather get like 5 people who enjoy reading my works so much and express them to me rather than 100 people who silently thumbs up at me and then go away to consume another fic or demand more. (All this to say I still love interactions, it just shouldn't be my no. 1 priority to get them when writing fanfics.)

But yeah. None of those works are perfect. They're not meant to be. But they're mine. They're me. They represent me. And it's so, so great to feel that in writing. I've been so stuck up on being some sort of content machine. I'm doing this for myself, how could I forget? I've been saying this since the beginning, I don't know why I'm still struggling to do it. God. It's ridiculous.

Anyway. That's that. This has become a very long ramble. Thank you for listening to my Ted Talk. And for letting me waste your time, if you make it to the end of this post.

[wayward-wren]

I'm only halfway through it, will finish it...later. but my biggest gripe so far with Troy (2004) is how much they are butchering Menelaus. And not just by mispronouncing his name. He's portrayed as a cruel brute and I'm like bro. He does not deserve this treatment 😔

I understand some changes due to cultural shift and the nature of a different medium but. Why'd you gotta do Menelaus like that?