#sry also that ive been gone

[lifeisstrange-incorrectquotes]

Chloe: When I want your opinion, David, I will ask for it. And I will never ask for it, you prick!

[nomairuins]

ughhh the stupid fucking tooth is rly stressing me out. i never shouldve moved to fucking washington i wish i could go back in time and hit 18 year old me in the head with a hammer .

[luveline]

hi jade ! sry if im being rude !! u dont hv to answer it !! do you ever feel like people dont appreciate ur kindness?? youre the most amazing person ive known (online n otherwise) and youve inspired me to be the kindest version of myslef cos it doesnt hurt to be kind !! but i feel like people take it for granted ? very easily? i know its stupid to expccet something in return and im not usually doing it but does it ever bum you out when people dont reciprocate ?

omg no it’s okay lots to say you’re not rude at all

I guess I’m always disagreeing with myself cos like there’s lots of points but I’m not telling you you have to agree with me cos you don’t, but sometimes being kind and expecting something back isn’t kind at all, but at the same time there’s a bare minimum level of kindness that lots of people aren’t reaching either haha. It boggles me a bit for you to be inspired by me to be kind, because I know how selfish I can be and I know I could be better to the people around me, but I also know what you’re saying. It can be incredibly frustrating to be kind over and over and over again and someone just doesn’t notice or doesn’t really care very much! Definitely okay to feel frustrated and upset at those times! And you don’t actually have to be the number one morality all the time, you CAN expect kindness back in return, I think we all deserve it and so we should all be trying to give it to others. Some people do just suck, some people are less interested in us than we wish they were, some people have a lot going on behind the scenes, and unfairly that affects us (even though the latter scenario affects them too). So yeah I guess I do feel that way, but also know there are instances where I’ve done the same thing for sure, so ignorant to the way people have gone the extra mile for me that they’ve been upset and I just didn’t know.

[cheryxshug]

i need to think more about my hollyleaf au. there are so many fun hcs that ive thought of that i can literally make whatever tf i want

this was supposed to be a thought post but it turned into a hollyleaf ramble. enjoy .

holly has reflective time travel powers; though she cant alter anything. its essentially just being a ghost in another time period than the present. need to think more about How they work, whether it manifests as dreams or waking visions or if its a will sort of thing

yellowfang plays a significant role in her powers; a sort of guide almost though there is resentment. i feel spottedleaf and yellowfang juxtapose eachother, spottedleaf is definitely a sisterly (not motherly. sry. yellowfang is the mom) figure to hollyleaf. they can relate to one another regarding their relationships with starclan but better yet, spottedleaf is gentle and patient.

a less thought out plotpoint is fallen leaves and flametail. unsure if flametail is a reincarnation of sorts or if the two were sort of merged upon flametails death. i need to reread hollyleafs novella and solidify my opinion on fallen leaves but whatever it is i Know fallen leaves and hollyleaf are not romantic; if anything its trauma response attachment . whether or not i keep fallen leaves and his stuff as is, flametail will be relevant. ive thought before of him having involvement with the dark forest, if he has shit with fallen leaves i imagine he "made a deal with the devil" (haha kitty cat satan hawkfrost) in order to be granted some sort of resting place other than the tunnels. this brings him to hollyleaf (whetehr this is related to his jayfeather resentment im not sure) who hes been ordered to recruit. its possible that hollyleaf accepts (—> dark forest trainee under a false identity —> meets ivypaw —> bond forms —> neither of them are evil —> ivy is unaware who she is until she returns for the great battle).

lots of trains of thought but sol could also pose as a dark forest recruiter, he failed to persuade hollyleaf however. the difference is in their tactics; flametail provides emotional connection whereas sol offers power. hollyleaf values one over the other

hollyleaf is very aroace to me . shes experienced crushes and genuine love but nothing that could reach her. willowpaw/shine was her first attachment when she first wanted to be a medicine cat, when she still held such faith in the code. it was moreso an admiration/longing than anything but cinderheart? cinderheart grew up with her, there was always something there though neither of them ever got the chance to directly address it. they both knew, and they knew eachother knew but there was a sort of solace about that silent understanding and connection. it was nice. but with hollyleaf gone cinderhearts only option was to keep going, something hollyleaf had seemingly already done herself

hollyleaf and cinderpelt are very close in starclan. cinderpelt knows hollyleaf better than she would've guessed after all that time living through cinderhearts experiences. she feels for hollyleaf, and shes there whenever hollyleaf is ready to reflect. after some time hollyleaf has begun to know cinderpelt in return and the two form their own bond. cinderpelt helps hollyleaf reach cinderheart when the time comes and the two reconnect often in her dreams.

theres more trust me. leaf and squilf are so so so significant but i cant verbalize that right now. thsi wasnt even supposed to be a Post post it was just one sentence at first.. i will go more into depth with lionblaze and jayfeather as well when the time comes

[thedndgoblinwholivesinyourwalls]

hii larkk im sending you so many asks today hehehehe

so i wrote. janette from adele pov poem. and. its not my best work but its my best usage of a metaphor so far so !! improvement !!!!!! ehehehhe

disclaimer: this is my perception of adele based on what ive heard so uhh yeah sry if this isnt actually how she acts forgive me OTL

also warning for the reader being adele here. ahfkjlfd that feels like a warning i should make LMAO

---

Your first thought when you first saw her was that she looked fragile. Beautiful, oh certainly, but so brittle. Like stained glass. She could break if you smiled too hard at her, you thought. It was an idea you relished in. This pretty fragile thing.

You soon learned, though. She may be fragile, but like any piece of decorative glass, she’s been tempered, through fires of trials and difficulties. You learn, but you don’t change your mind. Perhaps you’ll just have to smile a little harder. Make her learn the truth.

You’ve never gone too far in your life. Limits are something you know, of course you do. You’ve never reached yours. You can make her reach hers. Tempered glass may have a high melting point, but you’ve always liked a nice little experiment, haven’t you? She’s just so much more than anything else you’ve ever seen.

You would never admit it if she’d won. You wouldn’t let her. She can burn in a fire hotter than any other that she and her damned church have been through. It will be such a pleasure to watch her finally melt.

You’re not even surprised anymore when she returns. You’re glad, even. At this point you don’t really know what you’d do without her. And though a part of you hates her at this point, you still smile when you see her again. She’s more fragile now. Even the most tempered glass can’t withstand heat too strong, even once reformed. No matter how pretty it is.

You wonder how easy it will be to break her this time.

(I HAD VIOLIN CLASS. SO I FINALLY GOT TO READ IT) LIMEEE. LIME. LIME WHEN. WHEN I GET YOU. HOLY SHIT.

AOUFHSGDHDSUSHU WHAT. OWAH. WOAHHHH.

THIS IS AMAZING??? YOU GOT HER IN ONE OH MAN. ADELEEEEE. LIME THIS IS SO GOOD. OH. I AM GOING TO BITE MY PHONE BRB/HJ WAGH I HAVE SCHOOLWORK TO DO BUT WOAH. WOAGH. HRJHDHDJ EATING THIS PUTTING THIS IN MY BRAIN CARVING IT IN THERE WOA/POS AUGHHH

may i. may i draw a small thing with some of this cuz wgagdhdjdhjdjdodjchxkdhksjs/POS!!!!!

[compassionatereminders]

hi um have followed your blog for a lil wile bit now and just. wanted a place to rant a little and feel heared. also to preface this is about medical stuff but i dont want any help or answers i just was support. im sorry if im breaking the rules.

so for the past few months, ive been able to eat less and less. it started with lactose stuffs so we just thot it was my lactoce intolerance getting worse. we checked in with general practitioner(sry am american- dont know terms for not :< .) for yearly physicals and was told to just avoid lactose. then learned it wasnt just lactoce but all milk, and then worked over to gluten? or wheat? and just this weekend it progressed to the point where everything i eat makes me have stomach pains.

so as my family was super duper conserned, and i couldnt eat, we ended up going to a urgent care(like emergency care but for not super fast emergencies. just need doctor faster than could get gen practitioner). did a tiny bit more tests and was given a new diet that i cant eat half of, and that isnt making it better. im going through the things i should be able to eat on the diet and finding problems- idk idk i just. ive gone to doctors a few times for this now and it keeps getting worse and i feel like i just keep getting brushed off- i know im not giving the most concrete symptoms and im not showing anything obvious for whats wrong, but it still just. it sucks. even trying to explain to superiors is hard cause i dont want to get into it and still get brushed off- idk idk idk i just wish someone treated it as not just a lil stomach ache or annoying new diet and more that i can barely eat anything and what i cant can make me stuck laying down for hours on end- >:[[[[ thank you for letting me share this stuff here- just having a place to rant about so so nice-

Oh you poor thing! That sounds horrible and so scary, especially since no one is helping you and you don't even know what's happening and why! I'm so, so sorry you have to deal with this and I'm sending all my love! ❤️

[yuukei-yikes]

can we get uhhhhhh some hibiya thoughts

yes. yes. yes. i fucking love hibiya. he's LITERALLY A LITTLE GUY when i got into kagepro he was one of my faves actually cuz he was the closest to my age at the time. i was 13… im 22 now! lol thats not weird at all *eye twitch* sry ive been weird abt the passage of time lately. erm wait this isnt my therapy session <- doesnt go to therapy

HIBIYA. LITTLE GUY. my thoughts on him………honestly, i recently reread all the novels and god his intro chapters were HARD to read. all the creepy stuff abt hiyori yknow. i was cringing so hard. i kinda wanna ignore it bc i'd rather do that with the weird bits kagepro has to offer, but not to get rid of it completely. like id take away hibiyas whole thing abt a collection of hiyori pics but still keep the aspect of him that worships her. and how that dynamic would COMPLETELY go away post str.

post str hibiya is VERY different from how he started out. i mean. 10 year old timeloop…. he hasn't grown at all mentally like he has to process all this with his 12 year old brain, but going through all he did he just kinda looks at things rly differently now. not obsessed with hiyori, for one…. and she's also different to him. their relationship changes drastically bc now they both respect each other LOL listen i know im annoying with my codependent relationship headcanons but… eyes hibiya and hiyori

these bitches are 12. spent 10 years watching each other die over and over and literally die for each other. AND THEN THEY GET EACH OTHER BACK? ERM. yeah theyre NOT letting go of each other. its not so much codependency as much as it is awful awful awful separation anxiety. god are there any fics of hibiya and hiyori going back home and having a breakdown at having to separate and go to their own houses (bc in the city they were living together so it doesnt hit that they need to separate until they go home)???

hiyori would still be kinda bitchy and bossy but definitely not horrible to hibiya. and also her attitude hits different when she's also always holding his hand and refusing to go anywhere without him and throwing tantrums when any of the dan members even imply any activity that would require to separate them. and she wouldnt rly be embarrassed abt it i think hiyori would be super open and vocal abt HIBIYA HAS TO BE WITH ME ALL THE TIME !!!!!! and hibiya isnt even flustered hes just like *NODDING NODDING NODDING* bc he's the same with her. girl… SEPARATION ANXIETY HIBIHIYO<3 mekadan so sick in the head <3 they have 78 undiagnosed mental illnesses <3

not to make it abt my future headcanons of psych major hibiya but. new generations man. hibiya is 10000% the one in the dan going like GUYS WHAT HAPPENED TO US WAS SOOOO MESSED UP and everyone's like lol yeah !!!! and he's like DONT LOL ABOUT THIS IM FUCKING SERIOUS??? especially since he's such a fucking outsider to everything like everyone else's been experiencing all these tragedies since they were born and he just kinda. had a normal life before? and like i said NEW GENERATIONS MAN THEYRE PSYCHOANALYSING THEMSELVES AND EVERYONE AROUND THEM…. the dan is so used to this shit that they kinda lmao rock and roll thru it and hibiyas like NO. NO. NO. EVERYONE. THERAPY. NOW!!!!!! it becomes his special interest he starts getting all into psychology and when he comes back to the city for his visits suddenly he's diagnosing everyone with stuff and the dans like *shaking* MAKE THE KID SHUT UP also realises he has separation anxiety with hiyori and works on it. hiyori is surprisingly the one most terrified of letting go. and like i said…. 10 year long time loop being processed in a 12/13 year old brain.. hibiya is SUPER self aware. he makes sure of it

ok and. heh. haruka. THE WHOLE HIBIYA HIYORI AND HARUKA THING COULD BE ITS OWN POST… SO… IM LEAVING IT HERE CUZ THIS IS ALREADY SUPER LONG but im just gonna say. hibiya's IN DENIAL of konoha being gone. he keeps expecting haruka to go away. hibiya THINKS he's super mature, and he is for his age bc of all this shit and his willingness to understand his problems and everyone else's. and everyone else also think he is mature, but this is just something he can't stop being a 12 year old about. his friend is gone! WHY does it have to be gone!?!? especially in an ending where hiyori is back. if she wasnt, then he'd be more accepting of the losses bc there were 2 both konoha and hiyori and like it becomes another whole thing abt letting go and mourning but if she is back…everything is supposed to be perfect!! everyone made it back!! why couldn't konoha? why does it have to be gone? its not fair! he doesnt care this haruka was the body's true owner!! konoha was his friend! it also deserved to live as much as this haruka guy!!! why is HE more important!!!?!?!?!? and he just. he's just insanely immature abt it. and he knows he is but truth is he's just really fucking sad and regretful about konoha being gone. i could also talk about hiyori and harukas feelings abt it but heheh yeah this is super long. erm. hibiyita el chiquito <3 hibiya throwing a tantrum in front of the whole dan abt how it isnt fair and how he wishes haruka would just die. LMAO. he is 12. if anyone has fic commissions open Eye eye

also erm wholesome one before i end it. he makes little miniature dolls of the whole dan<3 he's BAD at typing on his new smartphone but since he lives away hes always texting in the gc<3 he gets super into mobile games<3 amongus fan hibiya asking all his grownup friends with jobs and no time for amongus if anyone can play with him<3 they do bc theyre busy but there will always be time to amongus with friends<3

[orngemilkshake]

sry i basically dissapeared :/

sry i haven't been on tumblr that much, ive been focusing on my youtube channel atm, here's the link to it if you want to see it https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCI5_HLzRAZAS6XvijwXbgAA, idk if anyone will even check it out because like half of this community hates me, but there it is if ur interested, also another reason that i've been gone is just because i wanted to take a break from this, because of all the regret i feel for the things i've done and the rejection i felt and still feel by some of the people in this community, i hate the things i did, and i take full fault for doing it, like the thing i sent to @dxzziie, and that ricocheted through to a lot of people like @xxtc-96xx @penumbramewtwos, and a lot of others, and another reason i left is because of how @chip-dip6 reacted to me when all i did was post something spooky and i forgot to put a warning on it, they called me names and reacted completely different to the situation with @a-purple-mew, oh yeah, speaking of that, i also wanna say i'm sorry about that too, and i hope that you will understand that i take full fault for not respecting ur boundaries, i completely messed up with so many things with so many people, and anybody that i mentioned sees this, i hope u guys will understand, this stuff has really been on my mind lately and i just wanted to take this off my shoulders, I love and want to respect everyone. i don't like or want to have any conflict with anybody, i just want to be a nice and loving person, but if I just make everyone angry, then I don't even want to be here, I'm very sensitive when it comes to hurting someone's feelings or anything related to that, so I just want to makes things right again, i hope everyone will understand ❤️

[tgttos]

Casio state of the unuon adress 2023 ❤️ hello lovely mutuals sry ive been so very gone ... ive been a lurker 4 a few months bcz well the # of followers on here has made things a little scary for me frankly . I dont really waht to be worried about keeping up an Image for 1k+ strangers id like to be realer and also go back to posting 4 the mutuals again but its hard With this blog. not sure if ill remake or make a personal or start using @partyautism more or what but i will hopefully be returning In some way ... Mutuals i miss u and u can dm me and catch up if u want.Ok i love you

[ambivartence]

I've seen you post quite a lot of concerts this year so I wanted to know all the concerts you've been to in 2022 :)

omg i- yeah i've been to a lot this year...... 😂💸💀 it's the first year i've ever been to a kpop concert ever!! it started by taking my friend to a twice concert in february, then literally on the way home on the train we booked more concert tickets and it's honestly spiraled uncontrollably from there. in total i've been to 11 concerts and 3 music-festival/convention format events and saw a total of 30 unique soloists/groups perform live (31 if u include the kq trainees that opened for ateez <3). i even have a running tag #📷 for any content i post using my own fancams 😎

my year was something like: february twice, april bts, may kpop.flex in germany (these were the tickets we bought on the way home from the twice concert bc my friend is a huge moomoo and i'm a huge multi so i was easily convinced LOL we managed to get barrier spots the second day which sadly nct dream was day 1... and oneus also got covid 💔 the final lineup was mamamoo, kai, nct dream, monsta x, enhypen, dreamcatcher, ab6ix, (g)i-dle, and ive), july ab6ix (bought these the night after seeing them in germany haha they included soundcheck + hi-touch which were fun^^) & stray kids & dreamcatcher (which i wasn't planning on going but bought tickets the day-of haha), august seventeen and kcon LA (finally saw tbz after my june concert was canceled 😥 lineup: stray kids, nct dream, ateez, the boyz, itzy, wjsn, cravity, enhypen, kep1er, lightsum, loona, ini, to1, p1harmony, nmixx, stayc), september sunmi, october blackpink, november ateez & the rose, december yerin baek and LA3C which we went for seventeen's ~50 min set LOL

yeah so i've essentially gone to a kpop concert every month this year which is def one of my fave parts of being a multistan hehe 🥰 i already have tickets for p1harmony's tour next january as well as oneus in february and have been keeping an eye on any announcements about new stops for mamamoo's world tour! we'll see how many more memories i can make in 2023 :)

anyways here's some of my fave pics i took from the year below the cut, mostly from kpop flex haha (warning very long sry):

extra bonus: jeon woong levitating right side up and then upside down (aka mid backflip haha) in the back of the 2nd pic lol

[irlbkgs]

7, 10, 23 ^_^ (also hi, i’ve missed interacting with you! 💞)

- @stevieselfships

haii sry it took me awhile to answer i forgor

7. If you could choose one f/o to be with you RIGHT NOW who would it be, and why?

heheh daniel <3 i feel like this is obvious with how ive been posting but yeah dm current hyperfix so ofc i want him here rn, specifically 70s era bc well. he has the fashion and weird(er) mannerisms, plus he's more pathetic and has less self preservation instincts which works in my favor bc i wanna torture him (romantically, lovingly, sexually etc.) i think we just rly match each other's freak like he canonically wore his boyfriends blood vial around and that's what i want!!! but id take any ver of daniel, i wanna talk writing with him, i want him to edit my essays for class and give me shit for how i abuse that em dash, i want him to talk about things i know nothing about bc it makes me weak in the knees he's just so...fawk!!!

10. Any old f/o's you're no longer shipping with?

there's actually quite a few :/ namely peter parker (still love him but the hyperfix is so dead and gone and my brain only operates on hyperfixations and spins), kirishima eijirou (might add him back but idk, its another one of those old hyperfixes but kirishima is special to me bc bkg is one of my highest kins), eddie kaspbrak (IT is a spin but my reddie brainrot passed after chapter 2 and now im a stozier loyalist. i still like reddie in canon but for me as a selfshipper ((and richie kin)) itll always be stanley stanley stanley), pope heyward (old hyperfix, i still love and miss him tho <3 the show just ruined my little jjpope dreams and he was def a selfship for kin reasons ya know?) and there's def other ones that im forgetting bc my memory is dogshit but if u dig thru this blog u can find older tags for them (same with old kins and kinsiders, this blog is like an archive of all my character and ship hyperfixes)

23. Do you tend to selfship preferably from specific type of media? (i.e. prefer animated over life action, novels over games, interactive over non-interactive, etc.)

despite most of my f/o's being from live action shows, i think i prefer animated media bc it feels like i can take more liberties as a selfshipper in a way and there also tends to be more like x readers and stuff for it too. im not rly a fan of like interactive media that is intended to make u fall for characters or like dating sim type stuff (with the exception of arcana, i finished julian's route like 2 years ago and portia's last year and if i had been any younger id probably be selfshipping with both but the time of that hyperfix has far past) which is unfortunate bc its like the ideal selfship media lol

i honestly dont know why so many of my f/o's r from live action tv besides just me watching more of it now...? cause when i was younger it was def more animated stuff or comics. there isn't anything about the medium that does it for me, rly the only bonus is that it can feel more realistic in ways. like i dont have many f/o's that arent kin related but the ones i do have are all live action bc i can actually picture that without it weird looking in my head.

[haloburns]

had some free time to think today and i just. got really sad about the life i used to think i was going to have before i became disabled

(whoops this turned into a Journal Entry, so im putting it beneath a read more sry lmao)

like. i had plans to travel europe and work in cafes and stay out too late in clubs with my new friends and then stumble in to open the cafe with my clothes from the night before and smeared makeup. and like, maybe thats a weird dream to have, but id spent so long in this tiny little box in my hometown (kinda. its complicated bc ive lived where i am now longer than the place i was born, but my birthplace will always be my hometown, to me.) so i was reaching for experiences so drastically different from the life id known.

but then i went to college out of state. 10h from home, almost in canada. and i did spend a good chunk of my first two years partying exactly like i described: work until 8/9, go home eat something fatty and greasy, change into smth slutty and cool, and go out with my friends and stay out until the wee hours, making out and dancing with whoever asked. two one night stands came of it, both embarrassing for different reasons (thats a whole different post lmao but i dont regret either, actually) but i had so much fun. i felt free. like i could truly be myself for the first time in my life

and then i became disabled.

(caveat: ive probably been disabled my whole life, but i simply. never noticed. i didnt know it wasnt normal to be in pain, because i didnt know what 'pain-free' meant. it wasnt until i started making diasbled and crippled friends that they made me realize that living at a 4/5 on the pain scale All The Time is in fact not normal)

i got a terrible cold my first thanksgiving. spent the entire break on the couch in the lounge sniffling and coughing, trash can, tissues, hand sanitizer, and lotion all right next to me because i was DETERMINED not to get anyone sick (context: this was pre covid. wearing masks was like. not a thought.) despite everyone having gone home/away for the break. i got my first (and only) case of viral pink eye. i had bronchitis until april. that same january, while i still had bronchitis, my knees suddenly swelled up so badly i couldnt move for two days. my knees have ached almost daily since then.

from there, it was simply a cascade failure of things. fingers and wrist hurt constantly, no matter what i did or what brace i wore. (hint: i ended up having de quervaines tenosynovitis and had to have surgery bc it went untreated for 5+ years) back was constantly cramping. feet hurt after only a four hour shift. stairs became impossible. i was constantly exhausted, no matter what i did.

then, in december 2020, i was home like everyone else, and i was working in my mom's office full time while also attending classes full time remotely (like everyone else). my mom took a week off. finals week. she left me in charge, since i was the second most senior person in the office with my roughly two years experience. my half sister was demanding to know why our other sister wouldnt talk to her after she borrowed our car to go see our estranged father. again. (we gave her permission to borrow the car, but it still hurt). the exhaustion was getting worse and worse until thursday of that week. my coworker was threatening to call my mom to come pick me up because i couldnt think, could barely talk, and i was nodding off at my desk. and then my half sister called out of nowhere and wanted to talk. and i was so tired, so done with EVERYTHING, i let her have it. that took the last bit of my energy and i told my coworker to call my mom.

i spent a week in bed with the worst pain in my life. my entire body ACHED. my cat couldnt lay on me because it felt like i was being crushed to death my a bed of needles. my elbow swelled up so badly i could hardly move it. i could barely sit up to eat or stand to go pee. i slept SO MUCH.

i returned to work maybe a week or two after. i maybe finished my classes but i hoenstly dont remember. i moved back up to school in jan/feb with covid restrictions so i could finish my senior year on campus. i couldnt walk to the mail room and back without needing a nap. i couldnt go to starbucks and bring back two coffees without needing a break in the middle of my walk. i went to the health services because something wasnt right.

after some tests and lots of arguing with some shitty doctors and PTs, the light of my life, dr k diagnosed me with chronic fatigue. i finally had an answer for all my issues.

i thought that was it.

that summer, june/july 2021, i developed postural orthostatic tachycardia syndrome and fought to get it taken seriously. two er trips with elevated heart rate, brain fog, and high bp, and it took the second trip to have them take me SERIOUSLY and get a referral. the cardiologist told me i was fat and just needed to exercise more, the three heart monitors don't show stereotypical tachycardic events, so im just experiencing elevated heart rates. i was fine. finally convince him to put me on propranolol, the "as needed" dose, and fuck off when he says he wants to work me off them and get me exercising.

i found a doctor who took me seriously and listened when i said "i have x problem. i would like a solution." and gave me referral after referral after referral, chasing more and more diagnoses. she never once made me feel insane for my symptoms, never made me feel unheard, and she never failed to make me cry in relief every time i went to see her and didnt have to fight for just an ounce of care.

since then, ive been diagnosed with moderate asthma, psoriasis, fibromyalgia, and potentially (almost assuredly) hypermobile ehlers-danlos syndrome. (for those of you keeping track, thats six diagnoses in four years) dr m, my savior, retired this year, and ive found a new doctor im hoping i can teach to treat me with the same care and respect. shes already given me a second referral to gastroenterology for my stomach issues (which... might just be from too much ibuprofen... :) rip me) and neurology bc my migraines that have crippled me for upwards of a month before are no longer being managed by my meds and i need something more specific before i start new meds. she said shed find me a doctor to dx heds, bc shes still new and wasnt comfortable with the tests required and didnt want to do it wrong, which endears her to me just a little more

but all of ^^^ that is just a big winding way to say that my life has changed a LOT since i graduated high school. i can no longer stand for long periods of time. i cant lift more than maybe 5-10lbs, and i certainly cant carry it for any significant length of time. i get migraines so easily. my joints slip out of place if i step wrong. i cant go out one night and expect to be up and at'em early the next day. i have to weigh my energy vs what i want to get done vs what needs to get done, and most days, nothing gets done at all.

and sometimes, usually when i get a new diagnosis and a new complication to my life, i mourn the life i used to dream about for myself. i mourn the things ive had to lose out on because my reality has changed so drastically. i cant go to amusement parks anymore. i cant go to standing-room-only concerts. i cant go to the grocery by myself. and you can forget doing things like wandering through the mall to kill time or going for a leisurely walk around the park.

being disabled is not the worst thing to happen to me, and i dont think im damaged or broken or anything like that. despite all the pain and complications and accomodations i have and need, i love myself the way i am. after all, i am now the funniest fucking person in ANY room. i dont think i want it back, because i love the life i have now (meaningful volunteer work, a dnd group i love, and a partner i thank the stars for regularly). but sometimes, its hard not to mourn the life i thought id have

[despair-to-future-arcs]

sorry abt my last ask coming off as a little strong, the woh (especially masaru) are my favorite characters in the entire franchise and i get extremely defensive about characters i like. the anons that were saying kind of really horrible things about masaru and kotoko were what made me upset, so i do apologize. with that said, i still dont like that out of like 25 anons, one of them was trying to reason. whenever child characters do something wrong, i feel like people should at least try to explain to them what they did was wrong and why, and especially in the masaru anon’s case, it almost worked. if masaru didn’t think he was going to be yelled at, he probably would have gone and apologized after that anon, why not just help the other 3 too? if you went to nagisa and explained “hey yes you are very right to feel bad about these adults you hurt and the children, and while i do understand your point, if you wanna be forgiven and are actually sorry for what you did, maybe you should go apologize to the people you hurt and deal with the consequences”, then he could probably understand what went wrong and do what’s right. and masaru anon answer, again, if you tell him “hey they wont yell at you we can tell them not to” i bet you anything he will go and apologize. also, i do NOT like that the first thing they thought to do with the woh is execution. get them therapy, make them apologize, do all of this but don’t kill the kids, dude. i wanna give that one ‘dont kill them bcs then they’re martyrs” anon credit for what they said, ty ilysm. this is getting long and im probably gonna think of more bs to yell about later, but my closing thoughts are that i really hope future foundation changes their minds and just gets them therapy and stuff. (also, if this stuff i talked about was done before, tell me, bcs the only bit ive read from is the recent posts on the masaru tag, so i haven’t been caught up with the whole story as of yet. all i know is future foundation wants them dead for their crimes, saru and koto got beat down and all the anons except for a few hate them, so thats what my problem is. sry for the big block of text!!)

//Whoa, quite the long text you got there man!

//As for your ask - I do understand where your coming from; no one likes their favorite characters getting hurt or dealing with the consequences of their actions but if we don't suffer from them or deal with them then they won't learn from them or the mistakes they made; that is simply apart of growing up.

//As what Future Foundation will do, well... don't worry there is something that's going to happen and I do recommend to read the blog as I got some stuff plan for this blog. ^^

[monsterbisexual]

sry i have to be a nerd rn the autism compels me idc lol so in no particular order:

han being just unfrozen from the carbonite n not being able to see n all sick n stuff but still v funny in the scenes at the beginning where jabba sentences em all to death n luke saying he used to live here (tatooine) n han going like "well ur gonna die here u know. convenient" w/e that means. n when he was like so how are we doing, luke says oh abt the same as always n han goes "that bad huh?" (paraphrased n theres more i forgot rn tho)

the way the ending of this trilogy is so joyful n theyre all celebrating cuz they did it they won theres hope!!!! vs ending of the prequels trilogy being like basically everythings gone to shit n its all v tragic n we as viewers who knew going into it anakin would end up darth vader somehow/sometime its inevitable n that bit ive seen from the beginning of the ROTS novelization "This story happened a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away. It is already over. Nothing can be done to change it." (<= yes i googled it for the exact wording but its so !!!! n the whole intro bit ive read is rly good too it makes me kinda nuts)

ewok violence!!!!!! seriously w/out those lil teddy bear dudes i dont think they wouldve pulled off that mission n i like how many stormtroopers on speeder bikes ended up crashing into trees n exploding

c3po being so anxious n distressed at all times he just wants to chill but hes always gettin thrown into perilous situations :(

also he is gay married to r2d2

both padme before she died in ROTS n luke in this one insisting theres still good in anakin :(((( also that hes a lot like his mom n i feel things abt it in general n cuz he never got to meet her etc :(( but also that being a way bigger deal coming from luke whos only ever known his dad as vader this scary evil guy vs w padme that was her husband!! so . yea luke my special little guy :(( i also luv leia cuz im p sure she'd feel the opposite way if she was the one who was in lukes shoes n got to fight vader i think she wouldnt forgive him n i dont think she'd refuse to keep fighting him n thats also great!!! they are different <3

i kin that guy at jabbas palace who was crying when he saw luke had killed the rancor in self defense i think it was his pet his lil (big dangerous scary) buddy :(

when the ewoks are have the gang surrounded w weapons etc but they think c3po is a god n han's like hey maybe we could use this to our advantage so they dont kill us yknow n then c3po says that wouldnt be Proper n han's like. PROPER? n its cuz its against c3po's programming to impersonate a deity . obviously

leia killing jabba by strangling him w the chain he'd been using to keep her close by him literally 10/10 moment for me. #feminism (disclaimer this Is a joke)

all of R2's expressive beeps n sounds 🥰

"i am a jedi like my father before me" n how luke's compassion for this horrible villain despite everything leads to anakin finally rly fulfilling his chosen one prophecy n bringing balance to the force by killing palpatine to save his son. and yea obviously the emperor being killed is a p big deal for the rebellion n everyone overall

max rebo

so for the 40th anniversary of rotj (starred war) this yr we are getting to see it in theaters actually which is exciting for me n my younger brother was tellin me he watched esb aka the previous movie last night to get ready for today n i jokingly was like "remind me how that ones goes again?" cuz itd been a min since id seen it n he just started giving me like a genuine play by play starting w the 1st scene it was so funny i luv him.. star wars autism runs in the family <3 (hes probs not but his encyclopedic knowledge is even more insane than mine cuz he Remembers everything n also that movie he was tellin me abt is his super fav one i think)

[missing-my-griffin]

I would love your insight because you’re smart and you seem like a pretty positive person. I’m a bit confused as to why E/cho wouldn’t see how Bellamy is in love with Clarke??? She’s a spy, right? Also, are we to believe he’s going to keep E in the dark even after sacrificing everything for Clarke for the 2nd time? Wouldn’t that make him feel guilty? It feels OOC. I wasn’t expecting canon bellarke, but it feels OOC for b/e to still together. It makes E look stupid and B look...a tiny bit mean.

Well firstly you telling me I’m smart and positive actually made me smile like an idiot so thank you!!

What a loaded question. I have two theories regarding Echo. First one is: Grounder culture is brutal, it’s about survival, it’s about war and strategy. She is a war spy. I imagine in that kind of medieval culture (which grounder culture is closest to), romantic love rarely results in fake alliances, or like.. messy war stuff. “Love is weakness.”, after all. Family love is the only important thing: and Echo’s got that figured out. Mushy romanctic love drama that weighs the tides in the big leagues?? I expect it doesn’t happen often. So she’s not trained in that. This explains why she doesn’t get it “as a spy”. Bc once it transcends “in love” and goes to “love”, it’s family, and again, that Echo gets. She knows how incredibly important Clarke is to Bellamy. She just doesn’t understand the nuance. And also: echo never reads people! She reads actions. Once Ryker was in she trusted him blindly, no suspicions, and once he showed he can’t be trusted fully, he was expendable, useless, a danger even. Eliminated. Echo’s never been anticipating people’s actions or intentions, she waits until they do something and then she assumes that’s what they are and continue to be until they prove her otherwise. Clarke leaves Bellamy behind and sides with the enemy? Clarke is a risk and must die. Clarke sacrifices it all to save Bellamy? Clarke is family. done.

So as to why she doesn’t get it as a person with eyes and a brain… which is also the second theory: she is extremely trusting. she’s the kind of person who’s incredibly straight forward with HER emotional relationships, there’s no ulterior motives. So she probably thinks of Bellamy as her boyfriend it’s as simple as that. Sure, his behaviour towards her has changed since they’ve been off the ring because she’s become more closed off, but it has nothing to do with Clarke because she’s like a sister to him, right?

Like… she feels secure in their relationship because the only thing she was insecure about beforehand was Octavia. She never suspected Clarke to be an issue, because she never knew about his feelings and their history- why? BECAUSE HE BASICALLY LIED TO HER. Why would E think that there have been more than friendshippy feelings? because I mean they’d been dating for a while and Clarke had been dead for a while before that and none of her family or Bellamy ever talked about anything “in love” related. (Even while Echo wasn’t in the picture romantically.) That’s very strange. Also Echo still treats Bellamy like her leader.. like she did Roan. And she doesn’t second guess or distrusts her “leaders”. And she’s also accepted Clarke as her leader. Clarke and Bellamy. Co leaders, like siblings. Of course they care about each other? Nothing strange going on at all.

Which brings me to my actual point: Bellamy isn’t a tiny bit mean. BELLAMY IS A TERRIBLE, LYING, EMOTIONALLY CHEATING BOYFRIEND WHO ABUSES ECHO’S BLIND TRUST. Dont get me wrong he’s still my favorite, and I get it… but oh boy does he need to step up his game!

Bellamy never told his gf about the girl he once loved, probably because even when dead he loved Clarke more than Echo, which sucks, so he couldn’t be open about it because it made him feel so guilty. Which.. he feels guilty ALL THE TIME. Dude is so pained. When he patted Echo’s back looking at Clarke, when he exploded at Clarke about how his family is all that matters to him bc he felt as though he betrayed them for Clarke, when he fiddled with Echo’s sword at the campfire in Season 5.. he hasn’t kissed Echo during a reunion since the beginning of S5. 

When he snapped at Echo because he was jealous of the Doctor with Clarke, when she cried and opened up and he looked at her with pity in his eyes, and guilt, and this stupid sense of responsibility. When the only time he kissed her was out of said pity because she needed someone. When he had that look on his face in the rover reunion scene in season 5.

Bellamy is a fucking mess omg. He is constantly on edge, like he seems absolutely unhinged, strung out, confused, in love, in pain. He’s in control half the time and losing it the other half. “We kill them all.” A petty, spiteful, angry “Maybe you haven’t noticed, Clarke, but I don’t need you anymore” Then, screaming at her not to leave him, because nothing makes sense without her, he’s an empty shell without her, has been for 6 years. And you know who helped him?? ECHO. Echo, who’s a good person (as long as youre on her side..), who “was good for him”. Echo, who he doesn’t really love. But I think he wants to. I think this is where the bad boyfriend stuff comes from. He loves Clarke and is constantly torn between being super scared of that and losing himself in it, and then there’s Echo who’s loyal and nice and safe. 

Lastly… I also expected a Becho breakup, but only in an A season bc B seasons are always so action loaded.. if that had happened, it would have gone “By the way let’s break up”, in between fighting and surviving and shit. Breaking someone’s heart sucks, and Bellamy owes Echo honesty and sincerity, so he put it off. And also… he probably doesn’t rly want to break up bc he wants to do right by her or whatever. His guilt is actually a factor I think as to why he HASNT broken up with her… he’s never loved Echo like she deserved to be loved, Clarke was always the one even when dead, so he feels like he owes a huge debt to Echo bc she loved HIM like HE deserved, and now he tries to repay her by living a lie. It’s twisted and stupid lol

But I know a breakup is coming. Because Echo deserves better than Bellamy. Bc he doesn’t love her, never has, never will. He has feelings for her.. but he doesn’t love her. I’m sorry. It’s obvious to even the most casual viewer, two of which have expressed their pity for E without me saying anything. And Bellamy, the damn main character, deserves a love story too. 

Ps this shot through my head while writing this so I made a thing for mrs Echo the blind one lol:

[amia25ji]

sweets paradise x genshin impact icons 1/2

free to use!