#spoiler alert: he is actually wrong he's just annoying

[osolitas]

⦗  ❝  𝑖 𝑡𝘩𝑖𝑛𝑘 𝑦𝑜𝑢 𝘩𝑎𝑣𝑒 𝑡𝘩𝑎𝑡 𝑡𝘩𝑒 𝑤𝑟𝑜𝑛𝑔 𝑤𝑎𝑦 𝑎𝑟𝑜𝑢𝑛𝑑.   ❞  ⦘ ⸻  @lechroniques  ...  ❴ 𝐋𝐄𝐒𝐓𝐀𝐓. ❵

𝐎𝐍𝐋𝐘 𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐅𝐋𝐄𝐄𝐓𝐈𝐍𝐆 𝐏𝐀𝐔𝐒𝐄   of his fingers give away any vague indicator of his thoughts, the thick page he was turning slipping from between them to rest with its brothers in the old, dusty book. Shortly after, he resumes, scanning the page, turning it, searching for  ...  something   ...  and now he doesn't remember.    ❝   Is that so ?  Silly me.   ❞   It's an idle grumble, the  petulant  response of a man that doesn't appreciate being told that he's wrong ⸻ and that doesn't truly believe that he is.

He shuts the book between his hands with a muted  thump,  and places it back on the shelf in his rightful place   (  what  is it that he's looking for ?  a recipe for ... ?  ),   and picks up another, beginning the slow scan of the pages anew.   ❝   Pray tell, then, how the story goes, since it's seems my mind's  rewritten  it ?   ❞    He isn't wrong. He  knows  he isn't wrong; but he'll certainly allow Lestat to believe he is, if it will leave his mind free to search for this  ...   (  lamb ! )   lamb recipe in relative peace.

[aliteralsemicolon]

Wait until you like me again - 18+

See part 1 | Part 2 of We can't be friends (wait for your love) | See part 3

The decision to resign puts a lot of weight on your shoulders. A takedown gone wrong makes it the least of anyone's concerns, especially Spencer’s. You’re not willing to let him back in; it feels too little, too late.

Spencer Reid X Fem! Reader

DISCLAIMER This story is NSFW and contains graphic depictions. It is intended for mature audiences only, minors do not interact!  You are responsible for the content you consume. Make sure to read all necessary warnings. Please remember this is a work of fiction; if you don’t like it, don’t read. Part 2 was highly requested and I’m sorry it’s taken so long to finish.

WARNING Panic attack mentioned, slight PTSD depictions, drugs (GHB), Case details (very poorly thought out). Violence: canon typical - strangulation, drugging, guns/gunshots. Proceed at your own risk.

Word count: 10.3K See notes at end for authors note & spoilers.

The most annoying part about making a decision in haste is the clarity of the situation when the dust settles. It’d taken Hotch just over two minutes to message you after you’d sent your email. 

From: Boss Man 🕶 👔 My office, first thing tomorrow. 

You didn’t take into account that you’d have to explain your sudden resignation to your unit chief, or that you’d need to think of a good enough goodbye to lessen the hurt of abandoning your friends. These are people you consider your found family; you’re leaving behind years worth of bonds with no proper warning or closure, in a measly few weeks. Your reasoning had to be good enough to convince them that this was for the best. 

To convince you that this was for the best. 

You’d spent the whole night in tears, racking your brain for an excuse, because ‘the person you care most about in this world and unrequited love of your life telling you that he didn’t want to see your face was a pathetic reason for discarding your life’s work. No matter how hard you tried, you couldn’t think of adequate justification. Even as the sun rose and you made your way through your pre-work routine, nothing came to mind. 

“You can’t love me.”

Any time you tried to conjure up a defence your thoughts would wander back to Spencer. Too many words had been exchanged between you and your former best friend in the span of four months and not a single one of them properly explained why he was so butt-hurt. He loves you too much, but doesn’t want you to love him? That’s your understanding, at least. 

“Please don’t come back here. It’s hard enough at work, I don’t want to see your face in my personal time too.” 

Since you’d left his apartment the previous night, you’d been cycling through all the stages of grief in record time. Spencer once told you that people tend to remember more negative memories than positive. He was right. You couldn’t recall a lot of your happier memories with him. All you could think about was the two conversations where he’d hurt you in ways you never imagined he would. 

You’re not sure exactly what part of you snapped at that moment, all you knew was that you were done making him the centre of your universe. Spencer Reid played no part in your decisions moving forward. He was not the reason for your departure with the BAU, a lie you made sure to relay to Hotch during your meeting with him.

“I’m just surprised, that’s all. Where is this even coming from?” He inquired from across you, hands folded neatly against his desk.

“I just think it’s time for me to try new things, you know?” It was a pathetic excuse, but less pathetic than the actual reasoning. 

“I try not to interfere with the personal lives of the team, but this is just so…sudden. I have to wonder if this has to do with Spencer?”

“This has nothing to do with him.” You go out of your way to avoid saying his name, suspecting you might taste poison. 

Hotch’s brow raises, as if his brain has been alerted to key information, head marginally tilting to the side like it does when he catches a lie. He doesn’t say anything, eyes narrowing in on you in stoic fashion. You feel like a petulant child that’s about to receive a scolding from their father. 

“Hon–Honestly…Hotch, I just–”

Three rapid knocks cut you off, the door to the office swinging open without waiting for a reply. 

“Sir, Hello, I’m sorry to interrupt but it’s an emergency. That case we were consulting on for Anchorage PD?” Garcia bursts into the room, slightly discoloured and more panicked than normal. “Well, five more bodies were discovered. Two of them pre-date who we initially thought was the first victim.”

“Garcia, tell everybody to meet on the jet ASAP. We’ll debrief on the flight.” Hotch orders abruptly standing from his seat. “You and I can finish this meeting later. This case is now our top priority, wheels up.” 

Emily, Rossi and Derek were already in their seats when you boarded. You secured your go bag in one of the overhead compartments and temporarily took a seat next to Derek. 

“How bad do you think this one is gonna be?” Derek sighs, dreading the horrors that await your arrival. 

“We’re up to thirty six bodies and counting. Whoever this unsub is, they’ve been at it a while. So, bad.” You answer honestly. 

“Speaking of bad, is everything okay?”

“That was not even remotely smooth.” You scoff. 

“I’m just asking as a concerned friend.” He shoots his hands up in defence.

“What happened to the days where we at least tried to mind our business. You know, at least asked each other about our weekend plans before jumping into interrogation mode.” You roll your eyes and smirk. 

“Heyyy, woah– no one’s interrogating anyone.” Derek chuckles. “What are your plans for the weekend?”

It wasn’t long before everybody had made their way on the jet, Spencer being the last one. You didn’t notice his arrival, too engulfed in your conversation. He definitely noticed you though. The sound of your giggles caught his attention the second he was in ear shot. He didn’t like how warm he felt at the sight of your smiling face. What he disliked more was that he could instantly tell that it wasn’t a genuine smile. 

He quietly made his way to his self assigned seat on the couch, trying his hardest to focus on anything but you. Every laugh that Morgan coaxed out of you bothered him. Spencer’s agony only ended once the jet had successfully taken off. 

“Alright let’s get started.” Hotch declared and everybody moved to gather around. 

With all the details laid out by Garcia through the monitor, everybody began stating facts and suggestions. You wrapped up soon enough and retreated to an isolated seat in the back of the jet. It was an almost eight hour flight, seven of which you were planning to use to come up with a solid plan to announce your departure. Life always has to throw a wrench in your plans though, because the lack of sleep from the night before caught up to you and you dozed off almost immediately. Had you any energy left in your body, you might have been privy to the eyes that were on you. 

“She didn’t say anything as to what the meeting was about?” JJ hushedly pries from her raven haired co worker in the cramped kitchenette.  

“No, but Garcia said that ‘the air in his office was really tense’.” Emily relays, her fingers mimicking quotation marks. “Did Hotch say anything?”

“No. He just gave me his usual dry look and told me to focus on the case.” JJ rolls her eyes at the thought and leans back against the counter. 

Despite being the FBI’s most decorated task force, the agents of the BAU weren’t strangers to workplace gossip. You’d just entered the bullpen this morning when Hotch frantically summoned you to his office, not even giving you time to set your things down at your desk. Witnessing the events sparked a guessing game sparked amongst the team. 

“Is it something we should know about?” Sitting across from Hotch, even Rossi succumbed to his curiosity. 

“Dave you’re not normally one to pry.” Hotch smirks, keeping his eyes on the case-file laid out in front of him. 

“No I’m not. But with the events of the past few months...” Rossi sips his coffee, staring at his younger superior expectantly. “...there’s been some talk Aaron.”

“Talk?” Hotch meets Rossi’s eyes.

“Mhm.” Rossi nods. “Apparently you’re transferring one of our two youngest members because they haven’t been able to put their differences aside.”

“I’m not transferring anyone. Where did this come from?” The alarm in his tone makes Rossi snicker.

“Office drama. You know how it is. And while you may not be transferring anybody,” he sets his mug down and looks towards where you’re sound asleep. “I’m guessing somebody is leaving. Hence this morning's meeting.”

“We’re not supposed to profile each other, you know.” Hotch sighs. “I’d appreciate it if you could keep this contained. I haven’t had a chance to properly discuss this with her yet and I think she’d prefer to break the news herself.” 

As you had predicted the case was by no means an easy one. On the first day everybody was split into groups to follow up with the M.E, victims’ families and examine the crime scenes. All the evidence and information gathered wasn’t enough to narrow the profile any more than the generic: male, mid thirties to early forties, hates women. You were now three days in with no viable leads. 

You were especially frustrated because you felt that you weren’t working as well as you could. The stress of your announcement was taking its toll, you were unable to properly converse with your team out of guilt. Hotch sent everyone back to their hotel rooms with the idea that you would start fresh tomorrow. Normally you would room with Spencer, but lately JJ and Emily have been taking turns rooming with both of you. This time you were with Emily.

“I think this may be the first night we’ve gotten to turn in early.” Emily yawns as she dramatically stretches her limbs.

“I’m just glad we got to turn in at all, for a while there it looked like we may have to pull another all nighter.” You force a giggle, exasperated.  

“You okay?” She doesn’t miss a beat, taking the opportunity to ask about your uneasiness. 

“Yeah, fine.” You smile, but it doesn’t quite reach your eyes. 

“You’re going to snap at some point, you know?” She examines your closed off posture, trying to figure out a way to get you to open up. “Something’s clearly wrong. Talk to me.”

“We’re all on edge right now. It’s this case.” You hope that you’re being convincing enough. 

“It's more than that. You’ve been distant from everybody.” Emily briefly thought back to the Ian Doyle debacle, recognising all the signs of somebody preparing to run away at any given moment. 

“I’m aware that I’m not working to my full potential–”

“That’s not what I mean and you know that.” She steps closer to you. “I can’t force you to tell me whatever’s actually on your mind, but I would really appreciate it if you would. I hate seeing you so…detached. Not just from us, but from yourself.”

It’s the empathy in her voice instead of the usual sympathy that finally cracks you. Tears pool your eyes and you sink to the floor. Emily sits down next to you without a word. She tries to pull you in for a hug but you push away. 

“Please don’t.” You sob. “I’m sorry.”

She squeezes your knee to relay that she understands and retracts her hand. Your discomfort with physical touch was another thing you had in common with Spencer. It was just a personal preference for you, unlike his germophobia. He was the only person you were actually comfortable with in terms of touch, but you couldn’t fault others for not respecting that boundary when you’d never verbalised it. 

“I’ve been trying to figure out the right way to tell you guys, but I don’t think there’s any way this gets easier.” You recompose yourself after a moment. “I’m, um, leaving.”

You expect her to get upset with you, but find her unfazed. 

“You don’t look surprised.” 

“Well it’s not entirely surprising. I mean given everything that’s happened.” 

“So you’re not mad?”

“Why would I be mad?” She leans back with her mouth slightly open. 

“Because I feel like I’m abandoning you guys.” You heavily exhale. 

“You’re not abandoning us. You’re doing what you feel is right for you. I mean, am I happy about it? Definitely not. But I know better than anyone why you feel like you need to do this. And it’s not a decision you have to justify to anybody.” Emily reassures you. 

“How do I tell everybody else?” You push for more advice.

“However you feel most comfortable doing it. It doesn’t have to be some big announcement. You can casually break it to them whenever you get the opportunity. They’ll understand.” 

“Thank you, Em.” You genuinely smile this time, eternally grateful that she’s managed to take some pressure off your shoulders.

“Now while you’re in a mood to share…if you wanna talk about something else–” She attempts one last time to get you to talk about Spencer, sensing that the mood lightened a bit. 

“Nice try.” You laugh as you rise to your feet, offering your arms out to her to help her stand.

The following two days were a lot easier on you, mentally. You took Emily’s advice and disclosed your news individually to each team member, each of them more understanding than you’d anticipated. You were surprised to learn that Rossi was already aware, assuming that it came with being a profiler for as long as he had. Derek and JJ did try to talk you out of it initially, but accepted your decision in the end. You still had to talk about this with Garcia, but felt a lot more at ease with mostly everybody knowing.

Except Spencer.

That thought lingered in the back of your mind. You still love him, it’s not something you can just turn off. You shake it off and divert your full attention to the case. Four more bodies had been discovered and with them, a new pattern to the killings. The unsub was devolving. You and Spencer were the only ones at the precinct when the last murder was called in. Meaning you were stuck working on the geographical profile with him while the others were out chasing new leads. 

Realistically, only one of you was needed to build the profile and decided you were going to let him do it. You quietly sat in the furthest seat possible, trying to make yourself invisible and hoping that this would keep him busy enough to not talk to you. The whole week, you hadn’t uttered a single word to him unless it was absolutely necessary for the case. It was as if he didn’t exist, even if he was standing right infront of you. Spencer, on the other hand, spent the whole week prodding you for any reaction he could get. Anytime you made suggestions and he happened to be in the area, he tried to one up you.

At times it felt like he was purposely seeking you out, despite his brutal proclamation five days ago. Every attempt to rile you up failed. The most acknowledgement he got from you was a few scoffs and glares. He hadn’t even realised he was doing it, until Derek asked him point blank what his problem was. He didn’t have an answer, but now that he was aware of it he tried to go out of his way to avoid it. 

That didn’t last more than a few hours. The fact that he had to consciously avoid talking to you pissed him off, especially because he couldn’t stop. You pretending like he didn’t exist pissed him off even more. The one time he took his eyes off the board in front of him they landed on you. You were busy scribbling words in a file, trying to get a head start on your paperwork. 

“Do you plan to help at all?” He sneers, noticing that you looked a lot more relaxed than you did at the start of the case. 

You snap your head towards the board behind him. A rough venn diagram was drawn on a map of the city, small tacked notes labelling prominent buildings in the area. 

“How am I meant to help?” You question, darting your eyes between him and the board out of confusion.

“You’re asking me how to do your job?” He taunts, tilting his head and narrowing his eyes.

You dramatically groan, throwing your head back. 

It’s hard to believe that he’s a man of logic in moments like these. There have been far too many in the last few months. You bounce off your seat and head over to the board. Spencer stays glued in his spot and your body accidentally brushes against his as you try to get past. He watches you take off some notes and add on new ones but doesn’t register what you’re doing at first. He’s too intoxicated by your scent. His hand runs through his hair as he steps back in an effort to regain his composure. His teeth grit and his jaw tenses momentarily, he hates that you have the ability to do this to him. 

“What do you think you’re doing?” The pitch of his voice raises and his ears are burning.

“What do you mean?” You roll your eyes, shrugging your arms, sarcasm laced in your words. 

“Don’t try to act all dumb!” He berates, shaking his head. 

“Don’t try to act all smart.” Your eyes roll again. Spencer was slowly starting to wear down your apathy. 

“I am smart.” He scoffs. Your blood boils, this trump card is becoming too repetitive.

“Savour that, it’s the one good thing you’ve got going for you!” You finally snap. 

“You’re UNBELIEVABLE! The first time you bother to answer me all week and it’s just to argue?” He’s trying his best to refrain from yelling.

“Oh! You’ve been trying to start an argument all week and now that I’m giving in you can’t take it?! Actually, why have you been trying so hard, Doctor? I was under the impression that you can’t even stand to look at my face!”

He dryly swallows, unable to respond immediately. The reminder of his words makes him internally cringe. He never meant to say them. It was the most efficient way he could think of at that time to hurt you. Spencer hadn’t anticipated the sheer amount of will power it would take to stay away from you. You seeking him out made it infinitely harder. His fake disdain was a defence mechanism, he was hiding behind hatred to get the job done. 

“YOU–”

“Alright, that’s enough!” Hotch loudly cuts him off. 

Neither you nor Spencer noticed the teams return during your squabble. You’re slightly embarrassed, wondering how much they’ve witnessed. Spencer turns away from you and looks to the blank wall on the other side of the room. You look to the floor and bite the inside of your cheek. 

“Care to explain what’s going on?” He grills and you feel like a petulant child receiving a lecture from your father. 

“She wasn’t doing her job!” Spencer complains. “And when I brought it up she messed up my profile!”

“God you’re insufferable! It’s called ‘narrowing the profile’, Spencer. Maybe if you did it properly, I wouldn’t have to.” You retort. 

“Hey!” Hotch scolds.

It falls silent for a second, awkward glances finding their way around the room. Rossi breaks it first. 

“You know, if I didn’t know any better, I’d think you two were bickering toddlers instead of FBI agents.”

You make eye contact with Morgan trying to hold in a laugh and it makes you snort. 

“We will discuss this later. Let’s focus on the updates we’ve gathered.” Hotch dismisses due to more pressing matters at hand. 

“After talking to friends of the latest victims, I can confirm that they were all last seen in the same club.” JJ pipes up first.

“And the dumpsites are all less than twenty minutes away from there. He’s definitely not holding them anymore.” Morgan adds.

“That has to be where he’s choosing his victims. Did the medical examiner find anything new?” Hotch asks.

“Traces of GHB.” Emily replies. “We don’t know how he’s administering it into their systems, but my guess would be through the drinks.”

“Gamma-hydroxybutyrate, mostly known as GHB, is a party drug that produces feelings of euphoria, confidence, relaxation and sociability. Side effects of GHB can include drowsiness, vomiting, mood swings, dependence, as well as more serious symptoms of unconsciousness. When mixed with alcohol the risk of overdose increases as it can cause respiratory collapse leading to coma or in extreme cases death.” Spencer’s about to continue but quickly recognises that it’s a tangent he needs to cut short. 

“Wait JJ what club were the victims last seen in?” You inquire, walking closer to the map.

When she relays the name it clicks. 

“That’s smack in the middle of the comfort zone.” You point at a small red note labelling the building. 

“So how do we catch this guy? I mean the club would be packed and we don’t know what this guy looks like. The profile tells us that he would blend in, nothing would stand out about him.” Morgan subtly suggests a string operation.

“Except for when he’s alone with the object of his rage. Which in our case would be the women he’s using as surrogates. He'd be possessive, become clingy, hold on too tight and once those advances are rejected he’d fly into blind rage.” Spencer exclaims without realising the weight of his input. 

“Yeah…but he has a very specific type.” Rossi hesitates. 

A fact that everybody had been avoiding the case because of how close it hit to home. 

You’re his exact type.

“No.” Hotch shuts down.

“Hotch, think about it. I mean this guy is not slowing down. A sting might be our best bet to stop him before he kills again.” JJ shares Rossi’s hesitation.

“It’s too risky!” Spencer blurts, making it clear he’s against the idea. 

Everyone begins to chime in with their input, but you stay silent and think it over. None of them wanted to put you in this position, but you’d seen the bodies and what he’d done to those women. What he’ll continue to do to other women if he isn’t stopped. It was a no brainer on your end. 

“I’ll do it!” You announce amidst the chatter.

It comes to an immediate halt, all eyes shifting on you.

“What?” Spencer scoffs.

You can tell that he’s genuinely surprised by the small hitch in his voice. Emily sceptically calls your name, posing it as a question. 

“I’ll do it.” You reiterate, taking care to seem as confident as possible.

“Absolutely not! The odds of this going wrong are way too high!” Spencer howls with a little too much passion. 

“Reid’s right. The unsub is way too unpredictable.” Hotch debates.

“JJ has a point, think about it!” You argue. “We know for a fact that he’s going to strike tonight. Sending me undercover as bait is better than staking out the place and waiting for him to target a civilian!” 

“Okay so let’s send somebody else!” Spencer contests, his tone prayerful. 

For a split second, you see your best friend again. He’s showing more regard for you now than he has in months and it makes your heart sink knowing it won’t be forever. Still, you try to reason with him while he’s there.

“There’s no time! I fit his type. This is our best option.”

“No, this is stupid and dangerous. You’re not going in there!” He’s gone again. 

“That’s not your call to make!” You snap. 

“Hotch no!” Spencer tries again.

“Kid, relax! This isn’t her first undercover mission.” Morgan attempts to calm Reid. “Plus we’ll all be there in case anything goes wrong.”

“Statistically–”

“For God’s sake forget the fucking statistics! People’s lives are at stake!” You loudly end his tangent before it can begin. 

“Alright, everybody calm down!” Hotch speaks up, making it a point to stare down Spencer. 

He’d made his decision and Spencer can only stare back in disbelief, too breathless to argue. 

‘Like Morgan said, we’ll be there watching over you, along with some local law enforcement. You won’t be wired, but we’ll have a fail safe just in case you need backup earlier than expected. We don’t have a lot of time. Let’s get to work.” The unit chief asserts. 

Before anyone can make any further moves, Spencer storms out of the room. JJ runs after him, assuring Hotch that she’ll take care of it. The rest of you break off to your assigned tasks, preparing for the operation that night. 

“Spence! Slow down!” She yells, chasing him all the way outside the precinct. 

He’s breathing too fast, practically on the edge of hyperventilating. He pushes his hair back with both of his hands, pacing back and forth on the sidewalk. 

“Spence what the hell is going on with you?” JJ pants, reaching out to touch his shoulder.

“Me?!” Spencer yanks himself away from her. “What the hell is going on with all of you?! You’re all insane for allowing her to do this!”

“She’s a grown woman and a trained agent! This is her decision. She knows what she’s getting herself into.” JJ reminds him. 

“Well it’s not a very smart decision! She shouldn’t be making decisions this…this reckless!” He shrieks. 

“Okay you need to calm down!” JJ sternly states. 

“Jennifer, do not tell me to calm down! She’s about to make herself a direct target for a psychopathic sadist and you’re all just letting it happen!”

“So what? Should we let some innocent woman become his next target?” 

“No! I’m not saying we should– just– why does it have to be her?!” The emphasis on his last word gives him away, JJ picks up on it instantly. 

“That’s what this is about? C’mon you know better than this.” She relaxes her shoulders. “Spencer, we all care about her. We all want her to be safe. And she will be as long as we separate out feelings from–”

“Feelings? This has nothing to do with how I feel–”

“Okay stop! Stop! God!” JJ huffs with pauses between her words. “I am so sick of this! This is clearly about your feelings. The past four months have all been about–”

She smacks her hands against her face as she takes a deep breath, a display of frustration. 

“Listen to me.” She commands, exhausted from the back and forth. “It’s clear that you two care deeply for each other, whether you’re willing to admit it or not. Neither of you will talk about whatever it is that’s caused this rift– fine! But don’t you think it’s time to bury the hatchet now that she’s leaving?”

Spencer freezes. 

“...Leaving?” He repeats, taken off guard. 

JJ takes a moment to read his expression. 

“She didn’t tell you?” JJ mutters, still scanning his face. 

“What– what are you…” He can’t find the words, his eyes blinking rapidly as he tries to process her words.

“She’s resigning, Spencer. She’s leaving the FBI.” JJ can’t hide how she’s surprised that you haven’t shared this with him. 

“No, that's not possible. She loves this job. Why would she leave?” Denial is his first response.

Spencer thinks over your possible motivations and can only land on the obvious. You’d only leave if you grew to hate the job. 

Did he do this? Did he make you hate it?

“We were all surprised when she first told us, I mean, it came out of nowhere.”

“We?” He rubs his temple, anticipating a possible migraine from the bomb that just dropped on him. “How long?”

“What?”

“How long have you guys known?” He balefully sighs, trying his hardest to not misplace his anger. 

“It’s hard enough at work, I don’t want to see your face in my personal time too.” 

He had no one to be angry at, but himself.

“A day? Maybe two? She told us individually. Honestly with this case I haven’t had time to wrap my head around it.” JJ honestly reveals. 

So not long. Maybe you were still making your way around to telling him? You wouldn’t just leave without so much as telling him, would you?

A few months ago, Spencer would’ve confidently answered no. Today he was sure that you would. He so badly hoped that he was wrong. 

“Spence, look, we can talk about this later. But right now, you need to make sure you’re able to stay objective. Can you do that?”

He nods relentlessly, tucking his hair behind his ears. A habit he adapted early in life. It was an indicator of the gears turning in his head. JJ gives him a few more minutes outside before guiding him back in to help with preparations. Spencer absentmindedly performed his tasks, but all he could think about was you. 

You’re leaving and he’s the only person you hadn’t disclosed this information to. Abandonment was a feeling he was all too used to, but he never imagined that you’d abandon him. He knows that he can only blame himself, but he still can’t help the irritation that’s creeping in his veins. 

Even as he straps up his hidden bullet proof vest hours later, he can’t push the sentiment away. You were setting yourself up as bait for one of the most dangerous types of serial killers. On top of purposely putting yourself in direct line danger, you were leaving without telling him. He would’ve showed up to work one day and you’d be gone.

Right now he stands just a few feet away from you and you don’t look toward him once. No one would be able to guess that you’re undercover. It’s amazing how you’ve managed to transform yourself from supervisory special agent to a regular socialite and party girl in a couple of hours.

If he could overcome the hurt he feels at the moment, he might see how breathtaking you look. Then again, you always appear breathtaking to him. Before he knows it, he’s walked right up to you. You don’t feel his presence looming behind you until you bump into him when you turn around. 

“Shit Spencer!” You jump, mostly because of the nerves from the upcoming night. 

He’s about to say something but you beat him to it.

“Don’t start! I’m not in the mood.” You brush him off and disappear out of sight.

It was like that for much of the preparations. He’d muster the courage to try and talk to you, and you’d walk away. Much like how Spencer would avoid you when your friendship first fell apart. 

“Everybody in position?” Hotch inquires through his ear piece. 

“Affirmative.” Morgan gives the greenlight for your entry into the club. 

You made your way to the bar, making it a point to sit alone. You didn’t have to wait long. Archie Carter, 36, cheated on by his ex fiance before their wedding. She ran away with another man because Archie failed to keep his sadistic traits hidden and it scared her off. Torturing and murdering women who looked like her was his way of giving her a real reason to be scared. 

This was all information Garcia found after it was nearly too late. He’d managed to get you on the dance floor, subtly injecting you with the GHB. You didn’t even feel him do it. To everybody else it just seemed like you were playing your part really well on the dance floor, when in reality you were struggling to stand up. You couldn’t give out any signals and he was able to slip you away into the back alley under the noses of five FBI agents. 

It was Spencer who’d found you fighting for your life against Archie’s grip around your throat. Spencer, who put the bullet in Archie’s head after being unable to talk him down. Spencer who kneeled above you, begging you to come back as he began CPR. If he’d found you any later you might’ve been gone for good. 

Pissed was an understatement.

At the piece of shit that almost ripped you away from the world. At Hotch and the team for not listening. At himself for being right. Not you though, for the first time in a long time, he wasn’t pissed at you. He was terrified. Both for you and for almost losing you. 

You had to stay a few extra days in Anchorage, bound to your hospital room. The team refused to fly back without you, each of them taking turns to keep you company. They all felt an immense amount of guilt but you reassured them that it wasn’t their fault. Your tongue grew tired of reminding them that this was a part of the job. Rossi joked that it was a good thing you were leaving it all behind in that case and it stung more than you were willing to admit. 

In your brush with death you came to the revelation that you didn’t want to leave, but hearing Spencer’s voice lull you back to him confirmed that you needed to. You couldn’t bring yourself to hear him talk everyday and not be the person he was talking to. It was why you had basically barred him from visiting you during your recovery there. Seeing his face was more than you could handle at the time. Not seeing yours weighed on him, because he needed to see if you were okay.

Physically, he knew you’d be fine once the doctors confirmed it. Mentally, he knew all too well of the repercussions that came with almost dying directly by the hands of an unsub. You’d been discharged and cleared fifty eight hours after you were admitted, and the team was ready to fly back a few hours later. All the signs of being less than okay were there. He recognised them as soon as he saw you board the jet. 

Besides the obvious bruises collaring your neck, there was some minor swelling that lingered. That wasn’t his biggest concern. It was the smile plastered on you when you put on your ‘I’m okay’ act for the others. Your eyes, like always, gave you away. You were already trying to sweep everything under the rug. Less than a few minutes after take off you isolated yourself in the back. You’d been doing that a lot in your recent cases. 

It irked him how everybody just let you. He decided right then that he wasn’t going to. He didn’t care how much you hate him, he was going to ensure that you came out of this truly okay. You were mindlessly staring out the window, counting the clouds, listening to the music playing through your headphones. You tried to ignore the feeling of being watched. You’d felt like that since you came to, in the alley. 

It took you a second to understand that you were actually being watched, turning to find Spencer in the previously empty seat across from you. 

“You’ve gotta stop sneaking up on me.” You snark, ripping off your headphones, still recovering from the small jump scare.

“Sorry.” He chuckles out of habit.

You unintentionally smile at the sound and find yourself staring in his eyes. 

“Are–” He falters as he thinks the question over in his head. “Is there anything I can get you?”

You’re taken aback, not expecting those words. You had a script prepared to waive off questions about your well being. He knows you better than that, throwing you off course as usual.

“What do you want?” You grumble, accepting that you couldn’t get past him.

“I want to know if there’s anything I can get you.” He repeats in a low tone. 

There he is again. The Spencer you know and love. Your heart threatens to leap.

“If this is to clear some guilty conscience, don’t bother.” You verbally guard yourself. “I’m fine.”

It would be a lie if he said his reasoning was completely selfless. He was hardly able to keep away from you without feeling like he was drowning, but it was nothing compared to how he felt when he thought he may have lost you forever. The feeling didn’t last very long, he was able to revive you within a few seconds, but never feeling like that again would be too soon. 

Spencer believed in two things; statistics and facts. One fact he refused to ignore any longer is that he couldn’t live without you. He quietly opened that satchel that still clung across his torso, fishing out some pain killers and an unopened water bottle. 

“I know you probably forgot to take yours out of your bag.” He ignores your previous comment and slides the items across the table to you. 

Your gaze lingers on the items in front of you, but your hands stay folded in your lap as you piece everything together. 

“You know.” You whisper. 

“Were you going to tell me?” He gulps after a beat of silence. 

“Does it matter?” You're quick to respond.

“I wanna hear it from you.” He’s just as fast. 

You look up from the leaf of pills, he’s already surveilling you. It’s a short lived staring contest because your focus shifts behind him to Hotch, who’s observing this encounter from the kitchenette on the other end. Spencer continues waiting on you for a response but you stand up, ready to walk away. It dawns on you when you see your supervisor that technically you hadn’t officially resigned yet. The paperwork never got started because this case took priority and that was a detail you needed to sort out right away.

“Don’t go.” Spencer pleads when you take your first step.

Was it a request to sit back down or to stay with the BAU? You didn’t bother to clarify, he had no right to ask for either. 

You let out a deep, exasperated sigh as you lie curled up in your warm sheet, scowling at the floor beneath you. It seemed that the universe (your friends) had it out to delay your departure as much as possible. It’s been four days since your return from Anchorage and you’ve been stuck in your apartment since Hotch dropped you off here. He’s ordered mandatory time off for your recovery, meaning the paperwork has to wait. 

You could be using this time in a more productive manner. You could be searching for a new job. And a new place to live. You should be trying to figure out where this new place would be. You never actually thought that far ahead. In your haste to run away, you forgot to plan your next steps. You’ve convinced yourself that you can’t do any of it until the forms are filled out. 

The ‘universe’ isn’t the only thing delaying you. 

If you really wanted to, you could have everything emailed to you. You can have it done online, but there are two major problems. The first is pretty straight forward; you’re not ready to leave. You know that this is the best course of action for everybody, but your brain and your heart are at an impasse. You’ve dedicated years to this job because you love this job. Unfortunately, you love Spencer more, which means that staying is going to drive you to hate your job. 

The other reason is slightly more nuanced and you don’t want to think about it, opting to let your impasse be the reason for your lack of motivation to do anything other than bed rotting. It’s not as bad as it seems, it’s more self care than anything. Your body’s telling you it needs to rest and you’re simply obliging. Plus, it couldn’t be that serious if you still had bursts when you had to keep up appearances. You have to be okay if you’re able to force yourself to open the front door for your coworkers when they come to check on you. You really weren’t that miserable if you managed to smile and laugh for their short visits. 

And it’s not like you’re truly rotting. You showered quite often, you actually just had your second one today. You were definitely okay if you could manage to keep up with hygiene. It’s not excessive, you need to scrub the purple away. You know that’s not how it works, but you can’t stand to look at the parts of your neck where his hands were wrapped around. If you close your eyes for long enough you can still feel him squeezing until–

You’re okay.

No, you’re irritated. The incessant knocking on your front door won’t stop no matter how much you ignore it. You were relieved when evening came. It meant that normal visiting hours were over and you could rest today. If it wasn’t any of your usual visitors then it had to be stranger. The thought made you uneasy, you hesitated to answer it at all. 

You can’t live in fear all the time. 

The door eventually opens and Spencer sees you for the first time in days. He actually tried to check on you earlier, but Penelope insisted everybody stick to her roster so you don’t get overwhelmed. The circles under your eyes were almost as dark as his, you hadn’t been getting much sleep. The swelling around your throat was almost all gone, but the bruising wasn’t healing like he expected it to. 

“Spencer…what are you doing here?” Your voice is hoarse. 

“I brought take out.” He gently dangles a bag of food in front of him, his voice high, but quiet. 

You can practically smell the contents of the bag, nostalgia hitting you like a ton of bricks. It was your favourite thing to order on the days he’d come over for movie nights. Before Spencer showed you a side of him you didn’t know existed. It felt like a taunt, like he was twisting the metaphorical knife he plunged in your heart. It made you sick.

“I already ate.” You lie, mustering a dull smile on your face.

Spencer swallows and bites the inside of his cheek, not taking his eyes off you. Trying to think of the best way to call you out without causing you to shun him. 

“We can do something else until you’re hungry again.” He gives a tight lipped smile and raises his furrowed brows, like he’s pleading for you to accept his offer.

“I don’t think I’ll be hungry anytime soon.” You awkwardly laugh– well it’s close to a laugh if not for your strained vocal chords. 

“Can I come in anyway? We can put on a movie.” He’s using the voice he used to when trying to comfort you or convince you of something. Soft, low, steady. It’s a stark contrast to the voice you’ve been hearing for the last ten days. 

Please don’t come back here. It’s hard enough at work, I don’t want to see your face in my personal time too.

Tears threaten the composure you’re working so hard to maintain.

“Why are you really here?” You sigh, unable to stick with the pleasantries. 

“I told you.” He emphasises the bag of food in his hands again. “Take out. Maybe a movie–”

“Cut the shit.” You assert, harshly. “You can tell Penelope that you came to see me so she gets off your back, but please stop pretending like you care.”

“That’s…is that why you think I’m here?” His shoulders drop.

“Isn’t it?” You bite, your door now wide open as you lean against it for support. Your legs are aching to curl into your chest again. 

“No.” His reply is short and clear, leaving no room for misinterpretation. “I’m here because I want to be here.”

“Why? There’s nothing in it for you.” You scoff, blinking from confusion. “Unless…is this some sick game? Seeing me like this– knowing that I’m– are you trying to gloat?”

“Gloat?” He repeats in almost a whisper, the hurt in his voice evident.

“Relish, rejoice, rub it in, I don’t know. You’re the walking thesaurus.”

He can tell from your lax posture that you're amused. Your back is against your door, hands behind your back and you’re leaning forward a bit as you stare at the ground. Not caring that your words cut deep.

Is this how low you think he is?

“Why would I be enjoying this?” His hopeful smile drops entirely as he tries to understand you. 

“Call it epicaricacy.” You shrug. 

“Epicaricacy?” He mumbles in a whispered tone, like he’s trying to process what you said.

Deriving pleasure from the misfortune of others.

Your eyes roll from how slow he’s acting and you have to hold yourself back from repeating the definition out loud.

“Do you honestly think I enjoy seeing you like this?” The change in pitch stings a bit. 

“No, I don’t think you like seeing me at all.” You half smirk up at him, sadness evident in your eyes. “Which brings us back to…why are you here Doc?”

“That’s not true.” He cringes, ignoring the second part.

“Not true?” You wiggle your brows sarcastically. 

“Not true.” He reaffirms, sighing deeply. “I didn’t mean it. I’m sorry.” 

“You’re sorry.” You scoff again, shaking your head.

“I know that I’ve been unreasonable–”

“Unreasonable?” The tip of your tongue rolls against the back of your teeth, bewildered at his sheer audacity. 

“A dick! I’ve been a dick.” He corrects himself, desperate to have you hear him out. 

You tighten your jaw, inhaling lightly through your nose and your brows are raised as high as they can go. 

“I was hurt. Okay? I wash lashing out, but, I–” He takes a deep breath to stop himself, wanting to get to the point. “I know that I’ve been acting otherwise but, I care about you. And when I found you back there…I just…I know what you’re going through, even if you won’t admit it. I don’t want you to go through it alone.”

Your expression softens as he speaks. Of course he knows. He knows you better than anyone. For a moment you consider allowing yourself to break down in his arms, like you would have once. It’s jarring, Spencer reverting to his former self after he saved your life. The comfort swiftly bubbles into anger. All your attempts for reconciliation were met with so much hostility before. It took you almost dying for him to care. It feels too little too late. The only thing you can think of as he stands next to you is all the ways he can further hurt you if you let him. You push off your door and stand straight, giggling bitterly. 

“Spencer, go home.” You say with the same bitterness. 

“Please–”

“Go home! I don’t want your pity!” You yell. It feels alleviating. “Do you honestly think that  anything changes just because you saved my life? Do you think it erases everything that’s happened in the past few months? Because it doesn’t! Things can’t go back to how they were simply because you feel bad that I almost died. It’s not a flip you can switch. You don’t just get to start caring!” 

You're heaving and he can only stare at the ground. He knows you’re right, except for the one crucial error in your speech. 

“I never stopped caring.” He mumbles.

This fucking idiot.

Enraged, sad, frustrated, confused; all emotions you’ve been suppressing that are now fighting to show at the same time. You take a step closer to him and he meets your eyes again. You can see that he’s holding back tears, same as you. It fuels you in a twisted way. You have an opportunity to hurt him the way he hurt you and you don’t let it go to waste.

“Don’t come back here. It’s hard enough at work to see your face at work, I don’t want to see it in my personal time too.” 

You can’t stay to see the effects of his words thrown back at his face, your heart’s threatening to burst from how fast it’s racing. His jaw locks from how tense he is. He knows exactly why you said it, but it’s still hard to hear. You turn around and rush into your apartment, shutting the door on his face, leaving him standing there. You don’t make it too far inside, collapsing on the wooden floor with a choked sob. 

That didn’t make you feel as good as you thought it would. You hoped that maybe if you could make him feel at least a fraction of you’re feeling, you’d hurt less. It was more than just getting back at him for everything he’s done. You were unknowingly trying to punish him for what Archie Carter did too. It didn’t make you hurt any less, but at least you felt less alone in your hurt. 

He didn’t come back for the rest of your time off. Everybody continued to follow the roster, showing up on their days and bringing you ‘get well soon’ goodies. Penelope even invited herself over for a night's stay once. You didn’t have the heart to say no, but you found yourself counting the hours until you’d be alone again, free to wallow. The only respite you got for the next week was on Spencer’s days. You could expect to be left mostly alone, only a bag of take out accompanied by an eerily fitting quote sitting outside your door. 

You hate to admit that those were your favourite days. You had a chance to breathe and he somehow knew exactly what you needed to hear. You gave the food away in protest and the quote would go straight in the bin (once you read it). One final psych evaluation later you were cleared to come back. Not that you needed one since you didn’t plan to stay for long. It was really just a formality. By the time you returned only a few faded bruises remained, easy enough to cover with concealer. 

“You’re back! Ooh, it’s so good to see you!” Garcia was the first with a warm greeting and a tight hug. You reciprocated to the best of your ability. 

“Good to have you back, Pretty Girl.” Derek’s second, walking you through the bullpen as you make your way to Hotch’s office.

“Enjoy it while you can.” You giggle in reply. “Is Hotch in yet?”

“I see someone can’t wait to leave us.” Emily jokes, feigning a hurt look. You roll your eyes.

“Yeah, he’s expecting you.” JJ laughs, slapping Emily’s arm playfully. 

“Thanks JJ!” You smile and they all watch you disappear behind the door. 

“So it’s official? She’s really leaving?” JJ questions through a half-hearted smile. 

“I asked Rossi and he said that Hotch is gonna ask her to stay until we find a replacement.” Emily replies, still eyeing the door. 

“How did you get Rossi to admit that?” JJ turns to the raven head, questioningly, and Emily smiles coyly giving no response. 

“Am I the only one who thinks this whole thing would end once they make up? I mean come on, we all know she’s leaving because of him, right?” Morgan looks at Spencer, who’s nose deep in a file at his desk. 

“Yeah, but we can’t help if they refuse to talk to us about it.” Emily sighs, hanging her head back. 

The three dive deeper into their discussion and you’re none the wiser from inside the cream-coloured walls of Hotch’s office. As per protocol, he’s just finished informing you of what’s next and you’re kind enough to accept his request to stay until they find a replacement. You definitely said yes because you want to make the team’s transition easier, not for any self indulgent reasons such as you not being ready to leave. 

“Just return this to me once you’ve filled it out.” He instructs as he hands you a file containing your resignation forms. 

“Thanks Hotch.” You smile, grabbing the file. 

You begin heading towards the door when he stops you by your name. 

“I understand that you’re set on this decision, but I am sad to see you go.” It’s insane how many emotions this man can get across while maintaining a blank expression. “However, if you change your mind at any point, let me know.” 

“Thanks Hotch.” You playfully scoff, appreciating that even he has to try at least once. 

If one more person tries though, you might scream. It wasn’t easy, pretending that you weren’t crumbling inside. The extra pressure doesn’t make it any easier. You leave his office, closing the door behind you and approach your desk. The resignation forms are put aside for later as you still have to finish your case report from Anchorage. Part of you wanted to put it off until the last minute, the other part wanted to get it over and done with as soon as possible. 

“Coffee?” Penelope chirps, holding out a mug filled with the hot beverage. 

“Thanks Pen.” You smile up at her, taking it out of her hands. 

“No problem.” She smirks mischievously and trots off. 

A strange lady, but your strange lady.

Upon your first sip you almost choke it out. It was perfect. Exactly to your liking. Which would be a good thing, except only one person knows exactly how you like it. Back when you first joined, you learned how popular coffee was with all the employees. You felt out of place because you weren’t a massive fan of the drink and you avoided too much sugar because it made you feel sick. You soon discovered that you liked it a lot more with honey instead. It was a weird preference, but it worked for you, making it sweet without overpowering your senses like sugar did. 

You never declined a cup when offered by your colleagues, not wanting to dishearten them. It was Spencer who caught you sneaking honey into your cup when you thought no one was paying attention. He never mentioned anything to you, but the next time he returned with a cup to offer, you couldn’t help but the smile that adorned your face for the rest of the day. It was why you dedicated yourself to morning breakfast runs for him, memorising his coffee order as a silent thank you. Neither of you ever talked about it. 

You spin your seat around to find Spencer engaged in conversation with Rossi. You consider walking past him and dumping the beverage in the sink to make a point, but it was a welcome energiser for the dreadful task at hand. Plus you aren’t wasteful. You spin back around and decide to accept it just this once. 

When he’s sure you’re no longer looking he sets his sights back on you. A small smile forms across his lips when he sees you drink the coffee. He honestly expected you to throw it away. He feared that if he was the one to deliver the mug, you’d throw it on him. It was why he convinced Garcia to do it, bribing her by promising to buy a round of drinks on the next night out. 

“Kid, are you even listening?” Rossi scolds in an incredulous way. 

As the hours pass, your frustration grows. You couldn’t get yourself to write the details of the case. Your mind refused to think about it. You had hoped that taking breaks would make it easier, but everytime you returned to the page your head went blank.

“Need some help?” Spencer asks, spawning next to you.

“Christ, Reid!” You blurt, startled. “I thought I told you to stop doing that.” 

“Sorry.” He chuckles as if on cue. 

You glare at him expectantly. He doesn’t say anything, glancing between you and the unfinished case file, waiting for an answer. 

“No thanks.” You keep it short, hoping he takes the hint. 

“Let me know if you do.” He doesn’t. 

“You wouldn’t even be the last person I’d ask if I did.” You snark. 

“But you would eventually?” He stays calm, almost playful. 

Smart ass. 

You choose to ignore him, be the bigger person and all that. Even though he wasn’t antagonising you. 

“Thanks for the coffee.” It’s forceful gratitude. You weren’t feeling grateful, but you still had manners. 

“You’re welcome.” 

“Don’t make it again.” 

“I will not.” He grins and walks away to his desk. 

You act like you don’t know he’s watching you work. Looking up often to find you stuck on the same page. Even if he knew that you know, he didn’t plan to stop. What he does know is that you’d never directly let him help you. He doesn’t care. There weren’t any new cases this week, so a ton of paperwork was to be expected. It’s taunting enough to write down details of your own assault, the extra paperwork would only add more stress. You’re too busy trying to push through the mental blockade to notice the sudden influx of files on his desk and the efflux on yours. 

What you didn’t miss was how the next cup of coffee you were offered was just as perfect as the one from before. 

“I thought I told you to stop with the coffee, Reid.” You lightly slam the paper cup on Spencer’s desk. 

He leans back in his seat and chews on his lip with an entertained smirk. 

“And I did. That’s not from me.” He’s earnest with his response.

“Oh, so JJ just happens to know my coffee preferences all of a sudden?” You sarcastically retort, crossing your arms.

“No.” He crosses his fingers across his lap. “I told her how you like your coffee when she said she was going on a coffee run.”

“And why did you do that?” You play along, unenthusiastically. 

“Because you told me to stop doing it.” He states in the most casual way possible. 

This was getting you nowhere. It was naive to think he’d let you spend your last few weeks here peacefully. Scratch that– he was being peaceful. Too peaceful. A new tactic to get under your skin?

“Stop. It.” The delivery of your words is slow and emphasised. 

“Stop doing exactly what you’ve told me to?”

You bite your tongue and glare at him. His face, shoulders, arms, everything, is relaxed. You can’t even argue with him. You take a moment to consider how bad it would be if you bashed his head in with the back of your gun. Then you take another to critique how easy it is to pass the psych evals. They should really think about the consequences of using questions the BAU wrote on actual BAU agents. 

After that day you went back to ignoring him. Any time coffee was offered you’d decline altogether. If he attempted to try and talk to you, you’d respond with yes or no for the sake of professionalism. This didn’t deter Spencer though. He gave you your space but kept a close eye on you, continuing to try and ease your burdens from afar. Exactly how he used to. 

This only lasted until the next case came in. Specifically until you were back out on the field, where he perceived you to be in high amounts of danger. You tolerated it because it gave you comfort, not that you’d ever tell him. Having Spencer by your side made it easier to deal with the reality that there’s little you can do if another incident like Anchorage occurred. 

Plus focusing your energy on ignoring him kept the flashbacks away. Or it did, until the take down. You once again found yourself in danger from an unsub, only this time the situation was controlled. All guns were pointed at the killer, except for the one that was pointed at you. The plan was simple: you talk down the unsub, take him back to the station and talk him into exposing his partner. 

Everything was going according to plan, until Spencer realised that one of the cops in the room was his partner and he was about to shoot you. Nobody understood what happened before the situation calmed down. Spencer had fired the first shot towards the dirty cop and immediately tackled you to the ground, shielding you from the hail of bullets that followed after. All you remember clearly is freezing up, clinging to the man on top of you. One moment you were screaming out, trying to make sure that he was okay and the next you were back in the alley behind the bar, fighting for your life. 

You didn’t comprehend anything until the panic attack subsided but Spencer was fine. His vest caught the bullets. Both unsubs were dead. Rossi and Prentiss came to the realisation the same time as Spencer and were quick to react. And you weren’t in the alley. You were in Spencer’s arms as he led you away from the scene when it was safe. 

When you snapped out of it the medics had cleared him of any injuries. He tried to approach you during your check up, but you shoved him away, unable to even look at him. The only thing you remember clearly is Hotch sending you all back to your hotel rooms before tomorrow’s flight back. You should be asleep right now, if not from the exhaustion of today’s events alone, then from how long you spent reassuring everybody that you were okay. 

You couldn’t sleep. Not when so many thoughts were occupying your headspace. This is the second time Spencer’s saved your life, in the span of roughly a month. The first time he’s put his life in direct danger to save yours. Had it not been for his vest he would be dead. The more you linger on it, the angrier you’d become. You were also wearing a vest, you would’ve been fine. What he did was unnecessary and reckless. 

What if the bullet missed the vest? Entered through the side? What was he thinking?

You were mentally fighting the urge to barge into his room and yell at him for his stupidity, but you couldn’t bring yourself to go to him. What happens to him is not your problem anymore. You aren’t going to let your guard down just because he’s an idiot.

Spoilers: BAU! Reader, Reader almost dies, Reader and Spencer are pissing me off, bc they’re so dumb, angst, hurt no comfort, Reader gets a little revenge.

AN - Before you comment ANYTHING, there is one more part. It’ll be posted a lot sooner than this one was. Writing this made me realise how limited the English language is. There’s only so many words to use and ways to write them. If either part sounds repetitive at times, it’s not my fault!!! Casual reminder: I am not Spencer Reid. I don’t have an IQ of 187. Any facts I make him spew could very well be bull-shit and he only spews them for the purpose of the story. I also have no knowledge of how the FBI works and lack a ton of common sense. A lot of things were made up for the purpose of this story.

If you comment you garner good karma for yourself and that could lead to you meeting MGG someday (I’m not liable if this never happens), think about that... 

Thank you for reading!

[ranoutofficssoiwritemyown]

Rindou x Reader

wc: 1200

angst, fluff

not edited

Rindou loves you. You know he does, but he has this annoying habit of not listening to you sometimes. Especially when it comes to recommendations. You recommend him food? Yeah, he'll try it. spoiler alert: he forgets. what about a movie you watched the other day and liked so much that you told him to watch it immediately? "Yeah, when I have time I will" is his answer. However, he'll only watch it if someone else recommends it too not even remembering you mentioning anything about it. And then he has the nerve to tell you all about it while you listen to him unimpressed. Sometimes it makes you feel like your opinion matters very little to him but you've never told him this. Part of you doesn't want to seem like an insecure girlfriend while the other part thinks there is no deep meaning to this.

This war in your mind ended when you entered your bedroom after having a bad day and saw Rindou sitting on the bed leaning his back on the headboard and "One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest" in his hands. You remember telling him how you cried reading it. However, you're surprised he's reading what you recommended. sensing your presence Rindou removed his glasses and looked at you.

"Tired?"

"Exhausted" you sit beside him "Do you like it?" you ask indicating the book.

He shrugs

"I've only read 20 pages yet. But Kakucho said it's really good"

You roll your eyes. thinking that you should've seen this coming you mumble "Of course he did" which wasn't as quiet as you expected because Rindou turned to you with a confused hum. You just shake your head as in "nothing" and try to get up but Rindou grips your arm and makes you sit back down. You sigh not having enough energy to deal with this.

"What is it?"

"Are you mad at me?"

"Should I be?"

He closed the book setting it aside as he turned to me with narrowed his eyes as if sensing the trap.

"I... don't know. What did I do?"

"It's nothing Rindou, let me go"

Your words had the opposite effect as his grip tightened.

"That's not my name" His voice got low

"Uh it actually is"

"Not for you. Did I fuck up that badly?"

Now that you think about it no he didn't. It's probably you who's overreacting and creating a problem over nothing. You sound ridiculous even to you and you hate yourself.

"It's really nothing. I've just had a bad day so... I just wanna sleep"

After a moment of hesitation, Rindou let you go, his eyes following as you got changed and got in bed turning your back to him. As you lay in bed your overthinking got worse. The fact that he doesn't know what he's doing affects you this badly means that he's not doing it on purpose. But that's even worse. Does that mean that he doesn't even value your opinion enough to think about how neglecting it would affect you? Maybe he thinks you don't care about it so he doesn't too. Or maybe he just forgets. This also means he doesn't care. Every version you think about leads to you thinking he doesn't care and that feels really shitty.

On the other hand, Rindou was watching you lying silently with your back to him and he knew then he definitely did something wrong. You get in bed and do not snuggle up to him planting your head in his neck? Yes, something is terribly wrong.

"C'mon love, tell me what's wrong" he snaked his arm around your waist, and turns out this is all it took for your tears to run free. You bite your lip to stop it from trembling feeling so stupid for crying over something so trivial.

"And don't you dare to say it's nothing bec- are you crying?"

Rindou could swear he heard his heart crash. He turned you around to face him. tucking your hair behind your ear he quickly wiped your tears.

"Hey, don't cry, i- I'm sorry okay? Whatever I did, I didn't mean it just don't cry"

Even though he thought, and has told you this plenty of times, that you looked pretty when you cried, he hated when you cried. Even more, when he was the reason behind those tears.

"Talk to me please?"

Looking anywhere but at him, you opened your mouth to speak.

"It's really stupid"

"So stupid that you're crying over it? I don't care, tell me."

You don't want to.

"It's just... sometimes you don't listen to me"

Rindou was confused. You sound so crazy to him right now. He doesn't listen to you? You have him wrapped around your finger. Your word is a fucking law to him and you have the nerve to say that he doesn't listen to you? He only listens to you.

"What do you mean?"

"Everything I suggest you just forget until someone else suggests the same thing. Like-" You sniffle between speech "Like this book. You're reading it because Kakucho told you, but I told you to read it weeks ago"

The more you talk the more you want to shut up. Dreading seeing Rindou's expression you focus on your hands.

"It feels like you don't care about my opinion. It's so stupid I know..."

"I don- What?" Rindou couldn't help but exclaim. His mind processing thousands of thoughts right now. You think he doesn't care? How long have you been feeling like this? And you didn't tell him? Is there anything else you're not telling him because it's so "stupid"? "Listen, love, I'm so sorry, I didn't know- Of course, I care, Who do you think I listen to if not you? Ran? Fucker used to think Julius Caeser was named after the salad."

That made you chuckle and it was like a rainbow after the storm for Rindou. A sound he never wants to stop hearing. smiling at you he continued.

"I do listen to you okay? I remember every little detail you tell me. Starting with the shows you watch to the drama going on at your work. By the way, Rika got what she deserved, she was being the bitch first."

"That's what I'm saying" You exclaim and Rindou was so happy he could see you smiling again.

"I don't want you to doubt your value in my life okay? You're the best thing ever happened to me and I'd be a dumbass if I didn't appreciate you. And don't ever try to hide things from me again. No matter how stupid you think it is. Nothing is stupid to me when it comes to you. So no more tears, alright?"

You nod scooting closer.

"alright"

Rindou wrapped his arm around your waist and pulled you against his chest, kissing the crown of your head.

"By the way, I started reading this book because you suggested it. Kakuchou saw it in my car when I bought it and told me it was good"

"Really?"

"Yes, really. Sleep now"

"Goodnight"

"Goodnight, love"

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

got the idea from modern family's one episode

might delete this one too later, not sure. just felt like sharing

[shortcakecuties]

HxH squad with a Madoka Kaname!reader 💫

Hii yall!! Its my first hcs!!! Might be ooc ^^; all of these are platonic btw!!

Gon ☆

He finds a portal to a labyrinth somehow and he was curious enough to go through it...

When he found his way to the actual witch and saw you fighting for your life, he was amazed at your skills and without nen?!

Hes literally mesmerised but he knew he had to help you!

He tries to help you with his own nen and eventually both of u are literally friends!!

He invites you to the friend group and you meet the rest of them that way.

When you tell him the truth of your job as a magical girl, hes disturbed and denied it by promising he wont ever let you turn into a witch!!! Spoiler alert: he failed...

Doesnt think your wish was in vain!

Trains with you constantly due to a fear of you turning into a witch.

He finds your kindness admirable even in your harsh circumstances and wishes he was like that too.

Brings you out on adventures with him and killua! He wants to be with you as much as possible and show you the wonders of the world

He cares a lot about you especially knowing you dont have much time left to live.

Killua ☆

Was with gon in the labyrinth and thought if he was in another world.

Was lowkey against making friends with a random person fighting in a strange place but hes met worse somehow

Amazed at your strength without nen because he had yet to meet a magical girl and found them a little stupid but here we are...

He dislikes the fact that you're only strong because of a wish, but finds your transformation silly and strange.

Plays around with your bow a lot and whenever you have it, sometimes it will be snatched by him

When you tell him about your wish, he doesnt seem very pleased, however he wont pick at it too much since you're sacrificing your life for it

He finds impressive that you were just a normal person before this yet you tried to be brave and help others

Hes a little confused of your hospitality because you have a lot of stuff on your plate already

Not the best at showing his emotions especially knowing that you're not going to be around a lot, he tries to be a little reserved

Feels bad about your fate as a magical girl and will try to help and be a better friend

You change him a lot and hes definitely more grateful for you!!

Likes to tease you about your kindness and naivety...smh.

Honestly being with him is either fun or a little annoying but nonetheless, him and gon just really brighten up your life >v<

Kurapika ☆

Met you through gon and killua!

Hes a little bewildered that magical girls actually exist

When you overhear about his line of work and goals you have a great idea to help him!!

Immediately he rejects because he doesnt want to drag a child with him to hunt down for the eyes, plus it's a personal problem !!

However if he did accept help (somehow) hes a little skeptical since your so naive and doubts you're going to help

Fortunately he was proved wrong!! You helped him track down the target and slow them down by shooting them with your arrows

Works with you for a while and gains your trust so you decide to tell the truth

Any wish? Just to kill witches? There has to be a catch. He was a little disappointed you fell for it but nonetheless once you tell him, he helps you hunt down witches with his limited power

Has a pang of guilt and sadness everytime he remembers your contract, because one of these days hes going to be all alone again without you accompanying him with his missions

Appreciates you more and gives you little gifts since he cant offer you a lot of time due to his job

Even though it's looking grim, he does not lose all hope. He doesnt want to lose another loved one.

Leorio ☆

He cant believe it like for real??? You're a magical girl???

Met you through gon and killua too! You're a little suspicious of him considering the stories killua told you...

Although you two grow close due to his want to care for others and you relate cuz you protect basically the world and universe!!!

You two are an iconic duo tbh...

Not surprised if he becomes a magical dude because of you

When he first saw a witch, he was lowkey terrified like wtf is that hello??? You're a kid how are you fighting those crazy monsters???

Says he'll protect you cuz hes older and stronger!!! That is a lie, you end up protecting him instead 😭

Even though hes quite terrified he tries to help here and there!!

Definitely nurses you back to good health if you got damaged badly in a battle

Gets really emotional when he finds out your fate and tries so hard to find at least something to always purify your soul gem at all times without a grief seed

Misses you when he has to go back and focus on his studies and not go on crazy adventures to hunt down witches

Probably calls you daily just to know what you're doing and sends those like good morning stickers Facebook moms use

Congrats leorio is now your older brother!!!

- Serenity 💫

[amelia1skyz]

Dialuci headcanons!!! Yay!!!!

1. Whenever lucifer is in his demon form, diavolo will always kiss the diamond on his forehead, every.time. he just can't help it, it's one of the many things he finds beautiful about lucifer

2. Whenever diavolo goes to wake up lucifer it's like he's trying to make him drown in sleep even more with how gently and quietly he does it, he'll speak to him in a low and calming tone, he'll give him long gentle kisses all over his face and have lucifer relaxed asf like bro your supposed to be waking him up not making him drown in sleep even more! This is why they are late to school sometimes bcs diavolo does this and they stay in bed too long cuz of it

3. Diavolo loves to lay between lucifers thighs while luci plays with his hair

4. From when they were children till they were teenagers, lucifer actually used to be much taller than diavolo, diavolos head would reach only up to lucifers shoulder and lucifer would always be proud for being taller than the demon Prince, but after they became adults and diavolo became much taller than lucifer, even lucifer has to admit he was very surprised and annoyed when he saw diavolo for the first time in a while taller than him

Even after they got married diavolo STILL makes fun of lucifer cuz of how proud and prideful he used to be about being taller💀

5. I'm pretty sure diavolo is practically the principal of RAD, so. Here for me whenever we finish a test and our teacher grades it its usually passed down to the principal so she can stamp it and also go back on any questions that are right or wrong to see if the teacher made any mistakes, So whenever diavolo does this and he comes across lucifers paper and lucifer has a mistake or a few, dia genuinely can't help but secretly change lucifers answer to the right one so luci dosent lose a mark, he does this to lucifer and lucifer only

6. Lucifer and diavolo visit eachother and sleepover so frequently even if they have work they'll just do it together, and lucifer is mostly the one who goes to visit in the castle since theres much more privacy so luci is there almost all the time unless his brothers cooked up mischief or wanna spend time with him.

Mammon says that "they might aswell get married so they don't have to keep going back and forth" spoiler alert: they did and mammon kinda regrets saying that cuz now he's going to have to take responsibility of his brothers and the HOL bcs lucifer left to his own new life and mammon is sort of the oldest now💀

[oreo-oro-orero]

I thought I would talk more about how I feel Ekko is often mistreated or ignored by the Arcane fandom and why I think that is and spoiler alert I Anti-Blackness is at least a part of it.

Ekko is subjected to what a lot of black boys are too in real life which is  adultification. Ekko just like a lot of black boys was essentially forced to grow up and due to this I think a lot of the Arcane Fandom treat him as an adult and thus judge him more harshly just like how in real life black boys are often treated as older then they actually are and thus are subjected to more scruinty and Ekko is sadly constantly subjected to this by the fans. This is in direct contrast with Jinx who seems to be given a lot more leeway which to a certain extent is understandable because it is her story essentially but I still find it odd how she is given the "oh poor baby pushed around by the big bad world must protect" but Ekko is just given a side glance and a "he's doing fine" when both Ekko and Jinx deserve that "need to protect" additude but yet it feels like Jinx is given the most of the protection and Ekko is just left to fend for himself.

Honestly I don't think a lot of the Arcane Fandom looks at Ekko as a victim and that is genuinely upsetting. They look at his situation as more of a success story but even then his "success" is is very sad when you think about it.  Yes he built a community and yes I guess he did "turn out okay" despite his situation but he shouldn't have had build that community in the first place and just because he did doesn't mean he's healed, trauma doesn't just go away because your relatively okay compared to everyone else. I also think his hurt isn't taken as seriously as the other characters because he doesn't actively display it as much, in total his hurt is displayed in two main instances and that's it mostly, the other times he's on screen he's either angry or at the very least mildly annoyed or somber which is interesting because this is most likely a mask he wears and this mask is a direct result of the adultification I talked about earlier. 

Ekko suffers from what a lot of black characters do which is that despite them going through the same or sometimes even more trauma then non black characters, their trauma is often overlooked or downplayed to be less then it is which is something that happens in IRL to black people all the time. Also this mischaracterization of Ekko extended to Shipping as well to where some people label him as an abuser towards Jinx which is ironic because he is one out of like 2 other characters that doesn't actively kill anyone and if anything he tries to avoid that as much as possible so I genuinely don't understand where this abuser assumption came from, is it because they genuinely Believe it or is it because they saw a black man being aggressive an automatically assumed he was the one in the wrong in the situation.

I got a little bit ranty there and I apologize but Ekko is my favorite character from the show and just fiction in general and I feel like he has so much to offer but he is seemingly being mistreated by other fans of the show and that just doesn't sit right with me. I just hope next season really gives him his time in the spotlight.

[westwingwolf]

Why the Chenford Break Up Era Needs to Come to a Close Sooner Rather than Later on The Rookie...

I've expressed my opinion on the Chenford break over several long posts in the Chenford Discord. I'm sure I've annoyed them plenty with my thoughts, but I needed a place to vent so thank you for being patient with me and letting me rant. I swear I am trying to do better, but maybe getting all of my thoughts out in once place will finally calm the beast inside me enough to hold back any further ranting. This post will focus on what should come next after the break up, and not my opinions on whether the break up should have happened at all. It's over. It's done. We're here now, and I have to accept that so I can move on to enjoy what comes next.

Anyways, I thought I would collect all my thoughts here for those of you who are not in the discord. Whether you agree or disagree with me, that's fine. I'm making this public so I know I am opening myself up to disagreements. Just know I'm likely to respond if I can, and I'm less likely to give up discussing my opinion until long after it is necessary. So fair warning, everyone should proceed with caution.

On the highly unlikely chance that someone involved with the show sees this and it makes them think about what stories the show wants to tell, then feel free to share.

I foresee this getting long as the introduction is already this long, so proceed behind the cut if you dare... (Spoiler alert: it is very long.)

First off in most typical break up storylines on television (Because keep in mind I am strictly talking about how these storylines are portrayed in fiction for maximum dramatic effect. Real life is a totally different thing.) , there are certain elements that play out in a break up that is always meant to be temporary. And make no mistake, I do believe this break up is temporary. I refuse to believe otherwise. It's just a matter of how temporary will it be. I must also commend the writers for hitting these elements in a quicker fashion than I expected. (Whether that turns out to be a good thing or not depends on what comes next, but for now I like it.)

Avoiding each other and thereby avoiding fixing the issues that caused the break up. This element is the biggest key in determining how long the break up can last. The longer the characters avoid talking to each other, the longer the break up can go on without being resolved. As we saw in 607 Crushed, Tim didn't want to talk about it while Lucy did. This set the stage for avoiding the issue. This could have gone on longer with Tim digging his heals in to avoid addressing the issue by first refusing to admit to it, but Tim actually did the adult thing and sought out help. Because he had been thinking about needing help all day and because Lucy gave him that final push to get it when he still wanted to avoid talking to her about their issues. That dramatically cuts into the waiting time of couples getting to the point where they can talk about their problems.

Pining for each other. I will admit I thought 608 and 609 were going to be episodes where Tim and Lucy avoided each other entirely to prolong more of this break up by not having them interact at all, but I was pleasantly surprised and glad to be proven wrong. They had their nice pining and awkward moment in Grey's office in 608 Punch Card. Tim spends time thinking about Lucy and being reminded of her birthday. That leads to the very sweet Kojo Birthday Card moment which leads to an even bigger moment of pining for each other in the hall.

Putting aside the relationship problems to help each other and be vulnerable with each other. In 609 The Squeeze even though Lucy is still hurt by the break up, she knows Tim is going through a lot, and so she does what she can to comfort him. Thereby showing that Lucy is still the one who brings out the most vulnerable side of Tim. He put on brave face for Grey and Angela and everyone else, but that moment of melting into Lucy's arms and answering that he is okay now that she's holding him showed just how much he was trying to hold it all in. And he immediately goes back to his brave front once the elevator doors open. Tim has always been his most vulnerable with Lucy and that doesn't change whether they are together or not. Like the Kojo Birthday Card moment, this shows that they still care about one another and they don't let anger from/resentment of/shame about the break up stop them from showing that they care.

Working together in spite of the break up. I was surprised by how quickly they had them working together after their break up. I knew thanks to spoilers that they would have scenes together in 610 Escape Plan, but I expected group scenes. I didn't expect the car scene. Talking about Tim's therapy. Joking about their sex life. They seemed more at ease together after a break up than I thought they would be. Which makes it hard to believe they can go back to any of the major awkwardness from before. A scene like where they can barely speak to each other in Grey's office coming after this kind of moment won't make much sense. Therefore they have to be out of the awkward post break up phase. Again something that significantly cuts down the timeline in delaying getting back together.

Having the talk about their issues or at least getting close to the talk. Now, Tim and Lucy haven't had the full discussion about the breakdown of their relationship and all of Tim's issues. But they are closer to having it 610 then they were back in 607. With Tim going to therapy, with the sense that he wants to continue therapy despite having a psychotic blackmailing therapist, and with the apology he gave Lucy in the elevator along with his promise to repay her kindness in whatever small doses she'll allow; all of that indicates that he is finally in a place to have the necessary discussion about why they broke up. And Lucy wanted to have this talk back in 607 so there no longer seems to be a reason to delay it.

So now with all the steps that The Rookie has already shown through the Chenford break up, it's time to think about what comes next. Typically once the characters finally have the talk about why they broke up, they tend to talk about if they can get back together. We know the show is going to have do a little bit of time jump. A couple of weeks at most. If they want the audience to see this discussion, they'll have to come up with a reason for why they delayed it instead having it almost immediately when the door was open for them to have it at least the next day after that elevation conversation. Which I will allow if only because I really want to see it. If you remember when Wopez broke up in season one; they indicated they needed to talk about their relationship, then the talk they had was off screen and the next time we saw them they were back together. Great for them, but after the emphasis on how important is is that Chenford needs to talk to each other about why Tim broke up with Lucy, I want to see it. So I'm willing to go along with Lucy needed a couple of weeks to wrap her head around the idea and gather her thoughts to confront Tim.

What I will not understand is if Lucy or Tim decide to delay this talk for a long period of time. Lucy wanted to have the talk from the beginning. Tim wasn't ready but there is clear indication that his ready now. In order for Lucy to have agency in this situation and regain the balance that she lost when Tim unilaterally decided to break them up, I do think Lucy needs to be the one to say she wants to talk about their relationship. I don't want it to be like Tim saying "I'm ready to talk about our relationship" and Lucy to respond with "Oh, now you're ready?!" Because she would have a right to be mad. And if Tim is being true about letting Lucy take the lead by accepting his proving how much he appreciates her in however she will allow, then he has to wait for her to make that decision. I can't see Lucy delaying for whatever reason for too long. Even if she is still hurt by his actions, her curiosity about the cause of the break up is too much for her to let it go indefinitely. Think about how she was in 607 where she was desperate to know why. Think about her behavior after Emmett broke up with her, and this is Tim. She cares about Tim way more than she ever cared about Emmett. If nothing else, that need to know why is strong in her.

Having the discussion about the break up has a huge impact on whether or not the break up storyline can continued to be prolonged or not. As long as they avoid having the discussion, the longer they can delay the characters getting back together. But Chenford has already reached the logical point where they should have the discussion. As I've shown above it doesn't make sense for Tim or Lucy to want to delay it, so it cannot work for character reasons. It also doesn't make much sense for storyline reasons because they've already done everything else they can possibly do during a typical break up storyline as I explained above. This is literally the last step. Any delay would strictly be done to drive the viewers crazy, and when your writing becomes so obvious as to manipulate an emotional response from the audience it veers into bad writing territory. Always try to keep the writing more subtle so that it works for a character or a storyline, and not so you can see the pipe laid out easily for the viewer.

Now that I've explained why they have to have the discussion right away, I will talk about how I think it should be handled and what I would like to happen because of it. And when I say right away, I mean season 7 premiere. I'll give them until 702 if they have a lot going on action wise, but no more wasting time after that.

As I said, I want Lucy to have agency. That means she decides when they have this discussion. That also means giving her a lot more control in what happens because of the discussion. I understand her heart is broken. Her trust in Tim is broken. However, I do not believe the answer in fixing any of that is by her deciding not to give Tim another chance right away. Her agency isn't going to be affected by her deciding to stay broken up with Tim. She doesn't somehow get more power or power back because she decides they can't be together right now. I also don't see Lucy punishing herself or Tim because she is hurt and angry. That's Tim behavior, not Lucy behavior. If she loves him, if she wants to be with him, then she will want to fight for them. Also she has a psychology background, is she really going to let Tim suffer because he was going through an identity crisis? Is that at all true the nature of one of the most empathetic characters on the show? Lucy's agency comes in guiding the story and taking control. If anything delaying getting back together, only keeps her level of agency in the relationship/break up at where it was before. If she chooses not to get back together with Tim now, then what will drive her to make that choice later? Something he does to change her mind? Some unknown time when she suddenly feels "ready"? Neither of those options show me she has control. True agency in her relationship is her saying "I want to be with you, but things in our relationship have to change for the better, and this is how I want to make those changes happen."

Which leads to the what I hope comes next. I want to see Tim and Lucy actually working on their relationship. I don't want them going the route of "Everything is better now that we had that break up and got back together so we never have to discuss the problems that led to our break up again." Like what was essentially done to Wopez. Or how every now and then Nolan kind of snarkily brings back up the fact that Bailey hid the truth about Jason from him, and when he does she looks like she wants to beat him over the head with a bat. Actually working on fixing the relationship is more interesting a storyline that prolonging a break up as long as possible only to pretend like everything is okay afterwards because getting back together somehow miraculously solved all their problems. The writers and actors told us the importance of this storyline was to show them as a real couple with real problems. Well, a real couple that wants to be together is going to work on their problems if they have any hope of staying together so show me Chenford working on their problems.

One way to show me Chenford working on their problems is through couple's therapy. I think watching Tim and Lucy in couple's therapy would be funny, heartwarming, and dramatically tension filled with angst when necessary. And there doesn't have to be a lot of sessions. At least not a lot shown. Alexi mentioned not wanting to do the static, almost repetitive nature of Tim in therapy even though theoretically he does want to show ways that Tim has continued therapy. So really all that is needed is one episode of Tim and Lucy in therapy. Bookend the scenes of the episode with the first meeting is them being funny and awkward about it. And the final scene has the more raw and emotional moments that are tough to watch but get them understanding each other better. Then the rest of the episodes all they have to do is talk about what they learned or discussed in therapy or trying some exorcises to improve communication and intimacy.

No matter what Tim and Lucy do to fix their relationship, one thing that is absolutely necessary is to show Tim's growth. He started showing this in the elevator scene in 610 by willingly be more emotionally vulnerable with Lucy. It's never been about that Tim can't be emotionally vulnerable with her. He's more vulnerable with her than anyone. It's about Tim willing to put himself out there without Lucy having to ask or work to pull his feelings out of him. He pushes his feelings down so much that he doesn't ask for help when he needs. He needs to learn to ask for help. And he needs to learn to accept that help when it is offered. I would like to see Tim have another personal crisis, but this time instead of hiding and ghosting Lucy, he tells her about it immediately. She doesn't even have to ask or notice that something is off about him, he just tells her that he has problem and he wants her help in whatever way she can help him. That shows that Tim has grown and that he trusts Lucy to allow her to see the messy parts of himself. We know Lucy has seen plenty of the messy side of Tim and still loves him, but there is a part of Tim who is still afraid Lucy will walk away if he causes too much trouble. That's part of the reason he broke up with her. As much as he wanted to protect her, he also wanted to protect himself by not having her walking away from him. In his mind he lost Isabel because he didn't do enough and she said that living up to his standards was too much for her. He lost Rachel because he couldn't move for her job, and she couldn't give up that opportunity either. He lost Ashley because he couldn't give up being a cop, and she couldn't deal with that kind of life for him. Time and again has shown him that he isn't enough for people all the way back to probably feeling like is some kind of disappoint to his dad. And anyone who stays with him is going to be dragged down by him. The sad irony in that Lucy feels the same way in how her parents treat her. Lucy is the person who can understand Tim the most and love him for all of it. So an opportunity for Tim to willingly put himself out there for Lucy would be a great turning point in their relationship to show it has changed for the better.

Now you are thinking, well once everything is fine between Tim and Lucy isn't that going to make things boring again and put us right back to where we were before? I would argue that things were never boring, but if you are asking if it is not better to prolong the break up so that at least Tim and Lucy have a storyline filled with tension rather than things going back to being good between them again, I say no for these reasons:

Because the working through their problems storyline is filled with tension and needs to happen. It is still wrought with tension of whether or not it will work out. Arguably more so than just waiting to see if they will change their minds about getting back together. Working on their issues means putting all those problems right back in the forefront. It means talking about them instead of avoiding them. It's raw and messy and potentially shows all the cracks in the relationship that has to be repaired.

A longer delay in getting back together means we are less likely to see them actually work on their problems. If God forbid, they take a whole season for Tim and Lucy to decide to get back together, then we don't get any of that. If we manage to get a season 8, and Tim and Lucy don't get back together until the season 7 finale, then what is likely to happen is we come back to season 8 with them saying they worked it all, are fine, and will go on happily with their lives. Which is great, but I'm still going to be pissed that I had to endure a season and a half of a break up and I didn't even get to see the effort of them working on their problems. And if we don't get a season 8, if the writers find out near the end of this season that it is their last and they spent so much time on this break up, then what we get is a rushed getting back together to leave us satisfied that they are together but not particularly happy in the execution of it.

Once they are back together, and even if they are happy, they still have other issues that could cause them problems. One is Lucy wants to work undercover. The other is the chain of command issue. These problems only have significance to Tim and Lucy's relationship if they are together. If Lucy goes undercover while her and Tim are broken up, Tim is probably still worried about her, but there isn't much he can do about it. If they are broken up, Lucy not being around because of UC is no different than Lucy not being around because they are broken up. It doesn't really capitalize on all the problems between them if they aren't together to make it an issue. Same with the chain of command problem. Doesn't really matter if they aren't together. Neither of these issues can be tackled to their full extent by the writers is Chenford is not back together first. And if these problems are solved before Chenford get back together, then it's taking away a potential storyline when Chenford inevitably gets back together. Becomes a little too easy for them if Lucy get a job out of being under Tim's chain of command and decides she doesn't want to do UC anymore before she gets back together with Tim. So get them back together sooner, and they can address the storyline sooner.

Now here we are at what storylines can Tim and Lucy have after they are back together, have worked out their problems, and seem to be in a good place.

1.) The chain of command issue: I get that it was a whole thing in 5B and eventually led to Metro Tim. Sadly, because I think the writers really do want to put focus on either Patrol or Detectives, that means no more Metro Tim. If we are all honest with ourselves, as much as we love Metro Tim, the show wasn't really do enough with him in Metro. They spent just as many storylines, if not more, figuring out how to get Tim back on Patrol and/or working with Lucy as they did doing his own Metro thing. For this reason, I think Tim is going to remain on Patrol until the end or when they promote/retire Grey so Tim becomes Watch Commander (which I hope also isn't until the end if they decide to retire Grey.) They came up with a storyline that still doesn't make any sense to me to keep Lucy from getting promoted to Detective in order to keep her on Patrol so I assume that means they want her to remain on Patrol for as long as possible too. (Seriously, Primm, you got promoted and presumably a position you wanted because of Lucy so take your male ego and shove it up your ass.) So that means Tim and Lucy both on Patrol for the foreseeable future. As mentioned above this isn't an issue for them until they get back together so it's not an issue the writers need to address until they get back together. And no point in fixing it prior to that if they want to have the storyline. But how to fix it?

Simple answer: Sergeant Grey says it is okay for them to date. Yeah, that seems to fly in the face of making it an issue the first time around. But Grey was also there for that time. He saw what Tim and Lucy were willing to sacrifice to be together. He saw what those sacrifices ultimately led to. He paired them to work together even when they were dating and knows they can still work together well. They weren't too terrible even during the adjustment period of their break up so he didn't have to say anything more than once about making it work. If he sees them working just as well together as they are broken up, and none of it causes problems, then he can make the call to let them date. Chain of command issue be damned if he says it is not a problem. Especially if he doesn't want to lose one or two of his best officers. At this point, Chenford has been through enough so who is really going to care? Are the fans going to put up a big fuss if it means if we get to see Tim and Lucy not only dating but also working together? If the writers insist they have to remain on Patrol, then this is a concession they have to give us to make it work.

More complicated answer: Promotions As unlikely as it seems, I say just give everyone the necessary promotions. That starts with promoting Grey to captain. (Shh. I don't care about Lieutenant. ) Grey has been treated like the show's captain since Captain Andersen died. He is always in charge for the big events. Angela and Nyla go to Grey to talk about cases even though he isn't their boss anymore because they work in the Detective department. When Tim got promoted and worked in Metro, he was the same rank as Grey and answered to Pine, and yet somehow he usually answered to Grey anyway. The LAPD is currently going through a big shake up; some higher ups were probably compromised with this whole blackmail scandal. I'm sure one or two captains could have lost their jobs/rank. Promoting Grey wouldn't really change anything storywise in terms of what he does, but it would make more sense. Once Grey is promoted, Tim becomes Watch Commander. During this time Lucy takes the sergeant exam and passes easily. Grey creates a position in which Lucy is now his aide. She becomes his right hand woman when crisis mode. She can work on Patrol as sort of a liason role like Tim had in Metro so she can keep doing Patrol storylines. And if Grey is okay with it, she can even do some undercover work when necessary. It keeps Lucy available for all potential storylines while also giving her a well deserved promotion. And she will officially be under Grey's chain of command only and not Tim's.

2.) Tim and Lucy moving in together storyline. Once Tim and Lucy are back together, things get awkward for Celina as she now takes over Tamara's role of constantly catching Tim and Lucy in the middle of kissing. And maybe other things. Only a thousands time worse for everyone because Tim is Celina's boss and they all work together. Celina doesn't want to know that much about her boss/coworker's sex life, and they wouldn't like her knowing about it either. So after some very humorous and awkward moments, Tim and Lucy discuss moving in together. Are they prepared for this? Are in they in a good place after their break up? (Which is another reason they should get back together soon rather than later so there is more time between being in a good place and moving in together so it makes more sense.) Do they want to move in together to a place they already have or find a new place all together that is all their own? If they find a new place, they don't have to worry about Tim's home looking different yet again. That's at least two or three episodes. Build up the awkwardness with Celina, have the discussion about moving in, finding a place and moving in.

3.) Lucy getting a longterm undercover assignment opportunity. This storyline would ideally happen just as Tim and Lucy feel happy and secure in their relationship and have taken a big step like moving in together. They finally have to discuss what this means for them and if they truly can handle it. I think Lucy will have to take it and they will be able to make it work because they've put in all the effort that came before with working on repairing their relationship to make it stronger. If the show gets an 8th season, I can see this as a cliffhanger so that they can use the break between seasons to be a time jump so Lucy can be UC for months without having to isolate her for too long from the rest of the characters. Come back in the season 8 premiere with the end of the assignment winding down to an big action packed finish worthy of a premiere. And then Lucy decides she hates the isolation of longterm UC because she is a social person who needs to be around the people she loves. So she never does longterm UC again, and it is no longer an issue for Tim and Lucy. If this is the final season, then same storyline and outcome but sped up over a few episodes with an even more dramatic conclusion of Tim & Lucy hating being apart so they decide to get married.

And finally, I present you with the additional benefits of getting Tim and Lucy back together sooner rather later:

Secret Dating Era Redux: Tim and Lucy hiding their relationship once again, but this time it's more difficult and potentially more funny. Tim sneaking out of Lucy's apartment early in the morning without getting caught by Celina. Tim and Lucy having to act sad about being broken up even though they are back together. Other people trying to set them up in front of each other, and having to come up with excuses to say no. All coming to the ultimate conclusion where everyone finds out they are dating again. Just want the fans wanted: the everyone finds out reveal. I say Nolan should still be the last to know.

Tim finds out out Lucy dated Nolan: Maybe it comes up in their therapy sessions. Maybe Lucy mentions it when she talks about the issue with dating a cop. Whatever the way it happens, it's best if Tim and Lucy are together when he finds outs to really milk it for a potential issue. Also great to see Tim finding ways to take out his annoyance about it on Nolan. Bonus points if it if happens during the secret dating era redux so Nolan has no idea why Tim is mad at him.

Tim and Lucy having fun arguments again: Comparing their first date to their second first date or whether it's their second second first date. What counts as their anniversary? When they started dating? When they started dating again? Do they have two anniversaries? Does Lucy only want two anniversaries because she wants twice as many presents? The list goes on and on for how they can try to put humor into the idea of the break up once they know they are going to be okay after getting back together.

So there you have all my reasons for why and how Tim and Lucy should get back together sooner rather than later. I know we all want them pining for each other. I get it, but ask yourself how much time do you really want to wait to see them get back together. After the initial break up, there was a three week break of no new episodes, then four episodes where they are broken up, and now we wait 8 months just to see season 7. So that's 10 months of dealing with this break up already, and we don’t even know how much longer it will take. Do you want to wait even longer or do you want to see Tim and Lucy fix their relationship as soon as possible?

As a treat for those who suffered through this long ass rambling of my thoughts, I present you with a snippet of my new multichapter fic which I hope to finish soon so I can begin posting it in July. It's a Chenford fic based on the Once Upon A Time tv series concept. Basically if fairy tale characters were in the real world.

After they finish their meals, Lucy brings Tamara a pillow and a blanket for the night. When Tim sees that she has brought a second pillow and blanket for herself, he asks, “What do you think you are doing?”

“Staying the night with Tamara,” Lucy answers plainly like that should be obvious.

“This isn’t a slumber party. She is still our prisoner. You actually have to guard her,” Tim insists.

Lucy scoffs in disbelief. “You don’t trust me to do my job?”

“I trust you implicitly. I don’t trust her,” he points at Tamara, “not to give you some sob story that tugs at your heartstrings and has you handing over the keys.”

“You know what? Fine.” Lucy takes said keys and opens the cell. Stepping inside she throws down her pillow and blanket on the other bed. She then reaches her arm through the bars to lock the door from the inside before tossing the keys back to Tim. “You can let me out in the morning, and not have to worry about our prisoner escaping in the middle of the night.”

“And what are you going to do if there is a fire or an earthquake?” Tim asks smugly, thinking he has the upper hand.

Lucy shrugs as she challenges him on that unlikely scenario. “I guess I’ll have to trust that you can race back here quickly enough to let us out before the building crashes down on us.”

Tim doesn’t respond. Instead he leaves, and Tamara thinks he is admitting defeat and going home. But he quickly returns with his own pillow. “Just how many pillows does Smitty keep in this place?”

“Enough to build a fort,” Lucy answers as she sets up her bed. Not surprised at all that Tim is choosing to stay.

“Figures,” Tim responds as he puts his feet up on the desk while situating his pillow between his head and his chair. “Don’t stay up too late gossiping. We have a trial to attend in the morning.”

Lucy shakes her head, but fondly tells him, “Goodnight, sir.”

Tim answers with a grunt and nothing more.

Lucy seems less interested in gossiping and more interested in telling ghost stories. “Have you ever heard the one about Gracey Manor? It’s a local legend about the mansion that rests on the highest hill at the edge of town.”

Tamara and Lucy spend the next couple of hours talking and playing with a deck of cards Lucy brought with her. When they finally do go to sleep, Tim’s eyes are still closed, but Tamara has the sneaking suspicion that he is only resting his eyes. That if any trouble were to happen in the middle of the night, he would awake alert and ready to perform his duties. She knows her own experiences have kept her mindful of never allowing herself to fall too deep into sleep, but she can only wonder why Sheriff Bradford would learn such behavior.

[drunkoffsmoke]

Hey do you have any platonic Headcanons for Reiner,Mikasa,and Armin?

a/n: RAGHHH IM SO SORRY I DIDNT SEE THE REQUEST EARLIER!!!! I DIDNT GET A NOTIF— anyways brother elliot shall provide once more >:) (this is like season 1-2 so no spoilers).

pairing: Reiner x gn!reader ; Mikasa x gn!reader ; Armin x gn!reader.

fandom: AOT (Attack on Titan).

genre: Fluff, headcanons.

! WARNING ! : N/A. (it's sfw pookies)

─────────────────────────────

Reiner Braun.

Man is FLEXING his ass off when you're around.

Anything he thinks you might like? He's showing it off. Whether it be leadership skills (which he barely has) or muscles (okay he does have those), HE'S SHOWING OFF.

He likes to get your attention through random stuff such as constant poking or annoying you.

Since you're close to Reiner, he talks a lot about you to his friends Annie and Bertholdt.

Bertie likes you, although Annie keeps her distance. It's not that she doesn't like you, it's just that she's a loner and wants to keep it that way.

He probably follows you around during missions to make sure you're safe.

He's like a golden retriever off the field, but on the field, he's the most protective mf you can ever meet.

The second a titan reaches out to grab you, boom, he's slicing the titan's hand off.

If the mission proves to be easy with few dangers nearby, you and him have little contest like 'who kills more titans' and such.

He doesn't want to admit it, but he lets you win almost every time, blaming it on his gear for being this rusty.

You usually stay up past your curfew and watch the stars.

During this time you don't talk a lot, merely enjoying eachothers presence.

He's usually acting like an older brother, but sometimes you have to be the mature one and step in between fights he's about to start (somebody looked at you wrong).

Super supportive, literally the main cheerleader as you kick somebody's ass during training.

You and him have sparring sessions and he teaches you useful information about hand-to-hand combat!

He'd be a good teacher if he wouldn't be teasing you so much.

"Look at you, you're so fragile, you could never take me down!" were his last words before you kicked his ass.

He was shocked, he didn't expect you to ACTUALLY win the fight.

Nevertheless he's proud of you >:)

Mikasa Ackerman.

She firstly heard about you through Armin, telling her and Eren about how he made a new friend.

She was skeptical at first, thinking you were actually someone mean who just tried to get advantage of her blond friend.

But upon meeting you, she quickly changed her mind.

Mikasa is usually quiet and is always following Eren around, so the two of you don't really get some time alone.

But Armin told you she considers you a good friend of hers!

You're a feisty fellow, so she has to make sure you don't get in trouble aswell (as if she needed another Eren to take care of).

Being the mother friend of the group, she has to make sure nobody gets hurt, so she keeps you, Armin and Eren close when in missions.

Always on alert, she's ready to lash out at anyone who does you wrong.

One time a rookie spoke lowly of you behind your back. Mikasa found out, said she was going to take care of it, and you never saw that rookie again.

It's scary what she's willing to do to protect her loved ones, but it only makes you realize she is a good person deep down.

Honestly you're closer to Armin than her, but she doesn't mind that, since it gives her and Eren some alone time (nothing happens in this time, but she likes it when it's just her and Eren hanging around).

Not really good with praises, but will congratulate you after missions, saying you did a good job before walking away.

Armin Arlert.

If you're close to him, you're ultimately close to Eren and Mikasa too.

He likes to talk to you about facts he's learned from books and he's genuinely happy you listen to him (unlike a certain SOMEONE who has brown hair and teal eyes glares at Eren).

You had to rescue him a couple times from bullies. Because of that, you tried to teach him how to defend himself, although he believed this wasn't the right way.

He probably shows off every new item he found. It's mainly cool rocks or shards of glass bottles, but the way he's presenting them makes the trinkets look like some ancient relics.

He is a great listener and offers good advice where he can.

Most of the time he's shy so you have to speak up for him, he's really thankful you do that for him.

Armin's parents like you a lot, especially since you help out Armin so much. They tell you stuff about Armin which makes him embarrassed and blush.

You know the song 'To the Bone' about Undertale?

Well there's this one part saying "I am the Mastermind, he's my accomplice!"

Yeah that's Armin, and you're "You're still alive because I made a promise."

You guys are a great duo, fighting off titans together (although you end up eliminating most of them since Armin is a bit rusty on his skills, he's learning tho!) during missions and such.

He probably tells you all about the wonders of the ocean he's learned from his little book, it gets you as excited as him and it makes him feel as if he doesn't just let the information fall on deaf ears.

He thinks you're a strong, independent person and admires you for that.

He's the orange cat friend and you're the doberman friend. You can't convince me otherwise.

[taeyongdoyoung]

summary: you're tired of your relatives asking you if you're still single every Christmas. on the spur of the moment, you lie that your have boyfriend. luckily, your best friend sweeps in like your knight in shining armor to save the day pairing: jin x reader genre: romcom with a lil angst, best friends to fake dating to lovers warnings: nosy annoying relatives, lying, fake dating trope, one bed mentioned, some crying, insecurities, confessions, kissing, it is quite mild tbh author's note: the title is super lame but hey, Jin likes dad jokes so here we go 🤷 also i intended to post this for his bday but didn't have enough time to finish it word count: 2.4k

Christmas is the loneliest time of the year for you. Even though you spend it with your relatives, they always make a point of asking whether you are still single. Spoiler alert: you are. It's gotten annoying that they don't appreciate you for your academic and personal achievements and they are only interested in your relationship status. You are so tired of the recurring question which is why you dread Christmas so much. A few weeks before it, you get a call from your parents.

"You're coming home for the holidays, right?"

"Of course, mom," you respond, rolling your eyes.

"So…have you found a special someone?"

There it is. Again. Ugh.

"If I hear this one more time…" you sigh.

"Got it," your mom chuckles condescendingly, which frustrates you to no end.

You don't know what spirit possesses you to do what you do next but the words are out of your mouth before you can think twice about it.

"I actually have a boyfriend but maybe if you weren't nagging me about it every Christmas, I would have told you earlier."

"You do?" your mom exclaims, surprise evident in her voice."Well, isn't that wonderful! You should bring him, introduce him into the family."

"He's really busy, mom, I don't think he'll make it," you keep lying, trying to get out of the situation you'd brought upon yourself.

"Nonsense, no one works on Christmas. I expect to see the happy couple soon. And no excuses!"

Before you could argue, your mom hangs up. Great. Now you have two weeks to magically find a boyfriend to bring home for the holidays.

You are sitting on your best friend's couch, playing games with him.

"Damn, you're so good at this!" you shout in fake annoyance at being defeated but you are actually happy for him. You know how much Jin loves winning.

"What can I say? I was born this way," he smirks confidently and puts the console on the table.

"Humble, as always," you tease him, nudging his shoulder.

"So, do you have any plans for Christmas?"

"Ugh, don't remind me."

"Why? I thought you loved Christmas movies and decorations and all things Christmas-related," Jin tells you and you are beyond touched to have someone who knows you that well and remembers such details.

"I do, but…I got myself in a bit of a predicament."

"Do share," he turns to the side so that he can face you.

"Well, you know how my relatives always ask whether I'm still single? And they're especially persistent around the holidays."

"I know," he laughs. "You've only complained about it like a hundred times."

"Sorry," you grimace at your own predisposition to torment your best friend everytime something goes wrong in your life. "So, um…this year I told my mom I have a boyfriend."

"And I learn about this now?" Jin puts a hand on his heart, expressing disappointment that you'd kept such a big secret from him.

"What? No, I don't have a boyfriend. I lied to my mom and now she expects me to bring a guy to meet the family."

"Oh, shit," he now understands why you're not looking forward to Christmas.

"Yep. I'm such a mess. Everyone will be so mad at me when I come home alone. Again. Kill me now."

"Well…you don't have to be alone."

"Huh?"

"Hear me out. What if I pretend to be your boyfriend? Just for the holidays. Then, your relatives would get off your back."

"Jin…I can't ask this of you."

"Good thing you're not asking. I came up with this brilliant idea myself. If it bothers you, you can tell them we broke up some time next year. Don't you want one Christmas of your relatives not repeating the same old annoying question?"

"I do want it, more than anything. But I would hate to inconvenience you…"

"Come on, it will be fun! My parents are spending this Christmas in Australia, drinking cocktails and soaking in the sun. It's not like I have anything special planned. It would be delightful to spend it with my best friend," Jin keeps talking and you are almost convinced.

"What about your best friend's super messy family?" you try to change his mind.

"Oh, I'm sure I'll charm the pants off them."

You are not worried about how your relatives will immediatelly fall in love with Jin. You are concerned that it will be you being charmed…

You are revising every small detail while Jin is driving his car to your grandparents' place.

"When did we start dating?" you ask him.

"Three months ago. We naturally realized that we are great friends and would make an even greater couple," he responds without hesitation. "How did I ask you out?"

"You told me I am the best thing that happened to you and I would make you the happiest man in the world if I went on a date with you," you reply naturally. "What was our first date like?"

"We went to watch a movie together, after that we had dinner at a lovely restaurant and I walked you to your apartment where I kissed you in front of the doorstep."

"The roses! You forgot to mention the roses!" you cry out, almost panicking. This has to be perfect or your snoopy relatives might suspect something.

"I was supposed to bring roses to your grandparents? I thought the wine would be enough," Jin mumbles in confusion.

"No, for the first date details! We agreed that you'd mention the roses. What if…what if they ask and we mess something up and…"

"Darling, relax. We've got this. We've been best friends for seven years. We know each other well enough to handle anything."

You try to ignore the way your heart flutters when he calls you darling. Damnit. When he'd suggested pretending, you hadn't thought about the fact that it wouldn't be pretending on your part.

"Do you trust me?" Jin asks.

"Unequivocally," you assure him. It is yourself you don't trust.

Once he parks the car, you are immediately greeted by a bunch of your relatives.

"Come, come! It is lovely to meet you," your mom welcomes Jin.

"Mom, this is my best friend," you say by force of habit and then correct yourself, "and now my boyfriend, Jin."

"Nice to meet you, ma'am," Jin shakes her hand politely.

"Pfft, call me by my name," your mom says and introduces herself.

Quickly enough, your poor bestie is hounded by your grandparents, your aunt, your cousin and her kids. It's a lot of excitement considering you'd just arrived and you are already looking forward to going to bed. You love your relatives but sometimes they can be…a lot.

Jin, however, seems to be thriving. He talks to your mom about cooking, to your grandparents about fishing and politics, to your aunt and cousin about acting and singing. Even the kids seem to love him, as he takes the time to play hide and seek with them. He also promises to build a snowman with them when it is warmer tomorrow. You have no reason to worry and yet, seeing him naturally fit in with them on their first meeting…when you have felt like an outsider your whole life, is enough to bring tears to your eyes. You excuse yourself from the table, saying you need to use the bathroom.

Not expecting anyone to notice your absence, you cry quietly in your room, feeling as if you have never been good enough and your relatives were always disappointed in you. You hear a soft knock on the door, which takes you by surprise.

"You alright, love?" Jin asks.

You let him in and he wraps you up in one of his warm hugs that have the magical ability to make you stop crying.

"What's wrong? I thought it was going well," he whispers, not wanting anyone to overhear.

"It's going splendidly," you agree. "It's just that…they love you more than they do me."

"That can't be true, you're the most precious granddaughter, niece and cousin anyone could possibly have."

You sniffle and look up at him.

"You only say that 'cause I'm your best friend," you try to make light out of the situation.

"Girlfriend," he corrects you with a wink.

"Right," you chuckle through the tears.

"Come on. Let's not give them the opportunity to discuss us behind our backs," Jin jokes and you decide to return to the table. He gives you the strength needed to face them again.

The Christmas holidays go by smoothly and in the blink of an eye. The days are filled with laughter, hot chocolate, yummy meals, wholesome Christmas movies, cozy socks and snowball fights with your cousin's kids. This might be the best Christmas you've ever had. You wonder if it's Jin's presence that made it so special and heartwarming. During the family dinners, he is the life of the party, always knowing the right thing to say to each and every one of your relatives. And when the two of you are alone, cuddled up in your room, he is your rock. You know you can count on him and tell him everything that has bothered you. And you know that he would understand you and comfort you like nobody else could.

Which is why it hurts so much when he is now driving you both back to the city. The pretense is over. You would no longer have an excuse to hold his hand or sleep in the same bed as him or kiss his cheek so openly. He is back to being your best friend. And perhaps that's the way it should be. You couldn't risk your friendship by doing something stupid like confessing your undying love for him. No, that would certainly be a terrible idea. Perhaps more terrible than having him as a fake boyfriend for the holidays.

"What's on your mind?" Jin asks.

"Hm?"

"I can see the gears turning in your head. Something is bothering you."

"Hey, aren't you supposed to look at the road instead of the gears in my head?" you tease him.

"I can multitask. Come on, just tell me."

"It's nothing. I just found myself wishing the Christmas holidays could last longer. I really had an amazing time, which doesn't usually happen around my relatives."

"Glad I could be of service," Jin smirks proudly, making you laugh. You would never grow tired of his casually confident nature.

Silence ensues for a couple of minutes and you are back to worrying and thinking about your unresolved feelings for your best friend. When suddenly, he interrupts your thought process with an unexpected suggestion.

"How about we have a second Christmas?"

"A second Christmas?" you repeat in confusion.

"My place. Just the two of us. We'll do all the things we didn't have the chance to do at your grandparents' house."

"Such as?" you inquire, wondering what you've missed.

"We'll play games and I'll make you my famous roast beef. We'll have midnight snacks and watch anime with no one judging us. We'll bake Christmas cookies together and we could even go ice-skating."

"That…sounds lovely. I'm in," you immediately agree, excited to have a second Christmas with Jin. Maybe, just maybe, a miracle will happen.

The next day, you arrive at his place and are amazed to find how magically decorated it is.

"Ta-da! Welcome to your own personal winter wonderland."

"My goodness, Jin, it looks incredible! How did you achieve all this so quickly and all by yourself? You must be exhausted."

"Nah, it was my pleasure. And besides, seeing the smile on your face is the best Christmas present I could hope for," he responds.

"Merry second Christmas to you, too," you grin and give him a hug. It feels so natural and like you were meant to end up right there.

As promised, the two of you get to do all the things you couldn't at your grandparents'. You watch the spiciest animes with zero shame, you eat ramen at 1am and you play violent games that would make your relatives gasp in horror. It is genuinely the most incredible Christmas. Even more incredible than the time you spent with your family.

But all good things inevitably come to an end. Tomorrow, it is time for both you and Jin to go back to work. And with that, the magical holidays will be over. You don't want them to be. You wish you could stay in this bubble forever, with Jin's arms wrapped around you.

"I should probably head home. You have to wake up early tomorrow."

"Or…you could stay. We can share the bed," Jin suggests and you can swear you hear a hopeful hint in his voice.

"Jin…we're no longer surrounded by my nosy relatives. You don't have to pretend it's okay with you to have me intruding on your personal space."

"Who said I was pretending?" he whispers and you probably shouldn't but you allow yourself to dream. There is no way he feels the same…or is there?

"Don't…don't say stuff like that if you don't mean it," you mumble, feeling more vulnerable than ever.

"I'm tired of hiding it, sweetheart," he sighs and presses his hand against your cheek. "I only offered the whole fake dating thing because I was hoping you would finally get the hint and realize how important you are to me. But in case it wasn't obvious enough, let me spell it out for you. I. Am. Crazy. About. You."

You blink in shock.

"Pinch me so I know I'm not dreaming. You…like me back?"

"How about I do something better?" Jin smiles softly and leans in to kiss you. It is slow and sweet, just as how you'd imagined it hundreds of times. No, scratch that. It is so much better. He makes you feel so special and loved. You wish you had confessed earlier. You have been missing out on so many Christmas kisses.

"Look up," Jin says gently once he finally breaks the kiss.

You do as he asks and you realize that you have somehow ended up under a mistletoe decoration he must have put up and you haven't noticed before.

"Aww, man, did you only kiss me because of that mistletoe?"

"Let me take you to my room and prove you otherwise," Jin vows, grabs your hand and urges you to follow his lead.

Christmas is truly the most wonderful time of the year.

The End

[rookpaw]

(clutches head and writhes around on the floor) charlotte wh is so fucking. guh. like. (chronic yapping alert + full spoilers under the cut)

you're brought up and raised under a false assumption that you're a genius, the kind who appears only once in 100 years. you're, essentially , coerced into a shady surgery leaving you in (implied) constant pain and permanently stuck with a body that's inaccurate to your mind. and you do it out of devotion because you were a child who'd been thrown away once and by fucking god you need someone, something to latch onto. so of course you'll do anything for the source of that feeling of having your life mean something. having your efforts acknowledged, and being needed. but of course, it's a lie. always was. it falls apart in front of you. should you not be useful, you'll be thrown away. and of course, that breaks you. because well, you kind of always knew that. and you're left to die, in extreme pain, alone. and then you're dead, you've lost everything, and you're forced to simmer on it in a quiet, silent hell where your sole company is unfeeling demons. and you stay in the loop, eternally, re-experiencing your death over, and over, and over.

and like, the quiet, passive hatred charlotte is written with when in the context of all of it is sooo... augh, especially with her parallel to the loud, aggressive lime. charlotte's hatred for humans is distant and nihilistic- people use each other as tools, they deceive each other, attachment is pointless because it's going to be fake anyway. everyone takes the shortest route to benefiting, regardless of who has to be used. her lines about how "kindness and forgiveness allows for evil". her repeated insistence on just killing the other three to noel. you cant trust others. you should just hate everyone, its easier. its why she, at the end, doesn't understand "love" either. because to her, it's always been deception, and something others will take advantage of, so whats the point?

and it's why she bets on ashe - he affirms everything for her. both are people who's extreme devotion to their family caused them to do anything for them, by any means necessary - to harm, to use, anything. i think, to an extent, she can see herself in him. and i think she sees herself in noel too - her hint of sympathy in the hourglass scene, urging him to just give up because it'll end poorly, like it did for her (even if in a different way).

and like, throughout the game, charlotte has this sort of snide detachment from basically everyone. constantly talks about how other people annoy her and how she wants to see as much suffering as possible. but whats always been apparent to me about her is this back and forth she has of very, very slight affection for others before immediately burying it and deciding she "doesnt care". we see it with fiona in the 4th side story in the base game, we see it with noel in the hourglass scene, we see it with claire in the bonus stage, we see it with lime constantly, especially with how she broke down after losing her (if im remembering right anyway, still gotta finish my replay of the sirius conclusion). like, she always immediately covers it up - when in presence of the other demons she claims its part of her scheme, and when not she simply acts like she doesnt actually care. but it's so constant with her that to me it has to be on purpose, and im really, really curious where it goes in future conclusions

anyway i might be wrong about everything and reading her totally wrong, but shes a character i love a lot and ive been thinking about for too long for my own good. i'll come back to this when i finish my replay of sirius's conclusion and can suffer for hours over That One Scene, lol

[eremikas-bby]

AOT Freshman Year Headcanons✨

(as collective, chaotic things I've witnessed)

Eren- He offered the door to his crush but got nervous and annoyed of the butterflies, so he slammed the door in front of them.

Mikasa- Arrived at school at 5AM, just to satisfy her habit of reading in the dark. Let's say she did achieve her very-dream of being a gothic princess as screams echoed the room when opened. [Let's be real, who wouldnt be creeped tf out with someone with pale skin, black clothes, dead eyes, and a cold voice in a dark, suffocating, traumatic classroom? Our girl became an epitome of a white lady.]

Armin- Cried for having an 95%, like bro bffr he's the highest of the batch, but just because of the singular item on how he wasn't able to apply the Proportional Congruence Postulate thoroughly, he'll whine about it for the rest of the week.

Sasha- Prepares a full-course meal to school in the morning and at the same time, begs people for food, possibly asking money to splurge it on more snacks.

Connie- Hacked into the principal's computer to help Jean with the stalking cuz his beloved friend wont stfu about a certain someone. (Spoiler alert, didn't get caught.)

Jean- fell in love with a caring ass teacher after seeing her dolled up for an event after school.

Ymir- Was advised by a morality teacher to go to Confession, read the Bible everyday, pray the Rosary after every meal, and seek mental help LMFAO

Historia- Volunteered to clean the dishes after cooking class.

Reiner- Had a mental, spiritual, identity, sexuality, and a mid-life crisis amidst a career talk.

Pieck- Slept through 3 periods without getting caught.

Hange-Explained Covalent, Ionic, and Metallic Bonds using formulas at a class discussion. They explained it so passionately and excitedly that no one, not even the teacher understood because bestie was just that advanced 💀 HELP

Erwin- Listened to podcasts to apply to a planned and perfected presentation.

Levi- Didn't sleep at an exam week with the help of 5 literal Liters of Coffee just to prove Hange's scientific theories on the negative effects of sleep deprivation wrong.

Yelena- Joined the basketball varsity team without knowing anything a single bit about basketball to impress a crush and actually passed. (Just bc of bro’s height privileges)

--------------------------------------------------

A/N: I miss aot so much. Even if the seasons have changed, I'm still in disbelief that its over. To feed in my delusions, this is how I cope with the grief.)

===================================================

[thranduilsperkybutt]

requirements.txt=unsatisfied

Pic source: 1

Pairings: Johnny Silverhand/V!Reader; Exceedingly minor Goro Takemura/V!Reader alluded to Warnings: Endgame spoilers; Arasaka!ending; I take liberties with the ending (everyone lives AU); yearning; fighting; nsfw banter (no actual explicit behaviors); angst with a happy ending; mentions of canon-typical drug use and violence Word Count: 9,936 words Reader Gender: Female Author: Meg Summary: Johnny always wants a lot of things--- a smoke, a good fuck, for you to turn the radio to 107.3 instead of that new age crap you like. In a perfect world, he'd like to have his own body back, too, but this isn't a perfect world. This is Night City, and he doesn't know if he'll ever be able to forgive you for going and doing this. Turns out that being in love requires being unsatisfied. A/N: Look. I finally finished playing the game as corpo!V and I will not live with these endings, alright? I'm gonna make my own.

“Think they make shitty motels like this just for screw-ups like us?”

You make a point to continue staring at the ceiling of the ‘shitty motel’ room, deep breathing the mildew and age-old cigarettes. He isn’t wrong, but you don’t want to hear it right now. He always has a way with words. Wiping your hands down your face, you do your best to ignore him, but Johnny wasn’t the most dismissible parasite you’ve ever had.

“’Parasite’s’ talkin’ to you, fuck-up,” he flicks his cigarette butt at you in retaliation for the thoughts in your head and it glitches through your thigh with a fuzzy tickle in your neurons. “Do ya’ really think Arasaka is gonna’ just let you waltz away after grabbin’ that stuck-up bitch princess of theirs? You’re fucked.”

“Was fucked before that, Johnny--- royally, if you’ll remember,” you groan, and turn away from him. He appears on the other side of the bed, leaning over it to glare at you. “Got you to show for it, after all.”

“Why are you so chill about this? Takemura fucked you both by deciding to take a life-sized souvenir from your trip to Cherry Town---"

“Cherry Blossom Market---” he barely acknowledges your interruption; you doubt he cares about the situation past hearing himself talk either way.

“--- and you��re just gonna’ do what? Sit here like a ditched date, waitin’ by the phone for that ‘Saka scum to call?”

“Johnny,” you push yourself up into a sitting position, headache threatening a presence at the back of your skull. The edges of his shoulders have that glitchy quality you’ve come to know follows his movements at times when he crosses his arms, but his glare is clear as ever.

“What? Don’t like me callin’ him that?” he rolls his eyes as he certainly feels your annoyance spike, “Jeez, didn’t think you could ride ‘Saka’s dick any harder, but if you literally want to---”

“What crawled up your holographic ass and died tonight?” you bark back, and the glint behind his eyes tells you that this is what he wanted all along. A fight, interaction, anything other than you just melting into the stained mattress of this motel room while the fan drones overhead in excruciating monotony. Johnny’s at his worst when he’s bored or cornered, you’ve found.

“I don’t know, V, maybe the fact that while I’m livin’ in your head, I’ve gotta’ listen to all your disgusting little thoughts about that Grade-A asshole? I’ve never had a dry spell that’d make me wanna’ sleep with a corpo drone, but maybe old habits die hard for you, huh?” You try to ignore his jab at your corporate background, but you know he just can’t help himself, “At this rate, alert a joytoy pronto, because I think I’ll throw up if I gotta’ watch you eyefuck your ronin anym---"

“You’re so fucking annoying sometimes, Johnny, you know that?” you rub your temples, trying to bite back the heat in your cheeks. No telling if it was from embarrassment at his inevitable acknowledgement of your major-league crush on Goro, or an oncoming stroke. At this point you are wishing for the stroke.

“You say that, but you’re not havin’ to watch how pathetic you look waitin’ on Takemura to call. Shit, even that cop you turned down would be better than this guy.”

Rising to your knees, you point a finger directly against his chest, feeling the fuzzy presence of your fried synapses mistaking him for something real at your fingertips, “Know what? Maybe I will fuck Goro the next time I see him, just to screw with you. Maybe I’ll finally get some peace and quiet when you slink back to God-knows-where to hide in my head while I lay back and take it from the big, bad, ‘Saka scum.’”

“You wouldn’t dare,” he growls down at you, the fire in his eyes flickering from your own to your lips and back again. “If you wanted me gone, you’d’ve taken those omega blockers by now.”

“Don’t tempt me. I’d take a half-dose of pseudoendotrizine just so I could kick your ass, if it wouldn’t mean kicking mine, too.”

“Now, there’s a thought,” he reaches out, pushing you back by a phantom grip on your shoulder. Your body flings itself onto the mattress without a thought, “But I don’t need a pill to kick your ass, remember?”

“Asshole,” you grumble defeatedly, but his anger seems to dissipate, if only a little.

“Bitch,” he chuckles, and it’s a short sound of disbelief. “Don’t pout like a damn kid.”

“Anyone ever tell you that you’re kind of mean, Silverhand?” you look down to where he still stood beside--- no, knelt onto, now--- the bed. His lips are quirked into a slight smile, one brow raised like he doesn’t quite understand just why all your annoyance has seemed to sink away into the dingy carpet and rotting walls of this place. Maybe it’s the exhaustion settling into your bones?

Or perhaps it’s the uneasy feeling in your gut when he looks at you. Despite the mountain of resentment your soul screams that you have every right to have at him for stealing your life away from you with every waking second, you can’t seem to bring yourself to hate him.

He clicks his teeth thoughtfully, dipping his weight onto the knee he has on the bed, but it doesn’t creak under his weight or acknowledge his presence, “It may have come up, once or twice.”

He isn’t really here, the soft static framing his hard edges reminds you.

“Why, then?” Why does he keep falling into the same pattern? Why does he treat you like this? Why does he look at you like that afterwards?

You don’t ask any of those questions, but you don’t have to. He’s in your head, after all--- but you think he’d be able to figure them out even if he didn’t have a front-row seat to your every thought. You still aren’t sure how much of your consciousness he is privy to, but you know it’s enough for him to know more about you than any other person ever has.

At this point, he might know your mind better than you do.

You wish you could read his half as well.

“Maybe I just don’t like watchin’ you run head-first into what’s bound to be another shit-show’s all, choom,” he deflects, but his eyes don’t turn from your gaze. There’s something guarded in them, sure, but they soften all the same.

You sit on his bullshit explanation for a few seconds, tasting the thought on your tongue, “Is that what we are, Johnny? Chooms?” It’s an unsatisfactory descriptor, but you don’t know if there’s a word in the English language that can accurately describe what you are to each other.

“I don’t know, V. Are we?”

Before you can even think of an answer, the sound of your holo ringing breaks through your ears and Goro’s image appears in your optics.

Johnny huffs and just like that, any softness in his gaze disintegrates with a roll of his eyes, “Go on--- know you’re giddy as a schoolgirl to answer that.”

“Fuck you, Johnny,” you grumble, before picking up the line and watching him straighten up off the bed before disappearing from your gaze in a static glitch. “Goro---”

“V, meet me, quickly as you can. I’m sending the coordinates.”

---

Your fingers run over the markings of Johnny’s initials you’d just carved against the metal. It’s jagged, raw, and as good a headstone as he was ever going to get, given you’d probably never find where his body had been truly laid to rest. In a city like Night City, after so many years? He’s lucky enough that Arasaka had dumped his body at all, instead of incinerating it like most folks these days.

“There, how’s that for a marker?”

Johnny leans back from where he’d been moping and gestures to your makeshift headstone, “Say this was my real grave, what would you write? ‘Here lies Johnny Silverhand…’”

The words roll around your head in tandem with the pit of dread in your stomach. It didn’t feel right talking to him like he was dead, even though the rational part of your mind knew it was true. The real Johnny Silverhand died more than fifty years ago, and you were left talking to a ghost--- a copy that seemed close enough to the real deal, but you never would be able to know if he was a good one. More recently, though, he’s started to seem just as real as the ground you walk on and, while you know that’s something to be deeply worried about, you can’t help but have come to enjoy his company.

When he’s not being an asshole, that is.

For better or worse, he was, “The guy who saved my life.” You’d been through so much--- everything--- together. It hadn’t been intentional on his part; he’s only a piece of broken prototype tech going haywire in your head, but it was still true. He’s saved you in more ways than one, lately.

The words sink into him, dragging his shoulders down like the same ache you feel in your soul. His eyes meet yours beneath his sunglasses, holding you in a regret so deep that you think it will swallow you both with the knowledge that he’ll be the death of you.

Johnny reaches up, metal fingertips clicking on his shades in a way that’s so honest in your ears that it’s difficult to remember it’s just another one of your disconnected mind’s lies anymore, “You don’t know how much I want that to be true.” He pulls the barrier from his face to dangle between his knees as his free hand wipes at the perpetual dirt on his skin, “Listen, I realize I’ve fucked up a lot of things. Either let down or used every last person who gave me their trust--- blind, selfish bastard that I was--- but I’ve managed one thing, for now. Not to fuck this up. What we have.”

Johnny’s always wanted a lot of things--- a smoke, a good fuck, for you to turn the radio to 107.3 instead of that new age crap you like. He's rather demanding, day in, day out.

You've been privy to his every request as it flits through your shared head for long enough that he’s come to annoy you nearly as much as he's grown on you. He’s like moss overtaking a stone, so slow that you don’t realize it until he’s covered all of you. He’s changing you into something neither of you can quite recognize anymore, and as the days pass, you worry you’ll never be able to wash him away and return to the person you were before him.

Worse, you don’t know if you will want to.

“What do we have, Johnny?” you sigh, looking up at the light-polluted sky. You weren’t far enough out of town to see stars, just the dim void and flickering city lights reflected on the clouds above. Maybe if you were at camp with the Aldecados, you’d spot a star among the dusky sky. Maybe life would seem simpler, easier, “I don’t know what you want from me.” All you know for sure is that you were growing so tired of the fight. There’s this hurt in your chest; you can’t tell if it’s yours or his. Maybe it’s something you share. Maybe this is what he means.

Or something close to it, “Most of who I thought were my friends, well, it turns out they couldn’t hardly stand to be in the same room with me. But you?”  You hear him pause, but you don’t dare to look at him. There’s a stammer in your chest, and you’re terrified at what it means, “You’re forced to be right fuckin’ here, twenty-four-seven, and you don’t seem to hate my living guts.”

This silence is something you can only achieve on the outskirts of the city, but you know it would be worse if you were further away. It’s almost excruciating, being alone with your thoughts--- being alone with his.

“There a point in there?” your heart aches for him, and you know he can feel it. It’s more than pity, more than friendship, but you try your hardest not to think of what it could possibly mean--- let alone, say it.

He knows, though. Of course he does. He has to.

“Just that… I think you’re my first real choom, even though you’re a real bitch sometimes.”

Your head lulls forward, and it takes all your strength to muster a glare at the pained smile dancing at his lips. There’s more to it than that, you both know it, but you’re grateful that he’s feeling somewhat merciful tonight--- it was something you didn’t know he had in him.

Maybe it’s only something he has in him when it comes to you.

“Chooms, huh?” tilting your head, you pretend to mull it over like it’s a proposition of eddies from a fixer. Playing it off with a shrug, you concede, “I could get used to being Johnny Silverhand’s choom, I guess, even though he was a total dick at first.”

“As if you didn’t deserve it,” Johnny smirks.

“Uh, remind me again, who’s been whining about missing his smokes since day one?” it’s a half-hearted blow, and his widening grin shows it. “Better yet, beggin’ me to get my rocks off?”

“My own personal hell is being stuck inside a non-smoker, and it doesn’t help that you’re practically a nun,” you toss a rock at him for that, and it goes straight through his chest like he isn’t even there. He isn’t, but he grins at you anyways, “Still… who’d’ve thought we’d make it this far?”

You sit there for a beat, feeling your own smile turn at your lips, before sighing, “You know, if you really want a marker, we could get you one at the columbarium.”

“For what, an empty box?” shaking his head, he puts his shades back on to perch atop his nose.

“Please, I have more of your stuff than even your most devoted fanboys. I don’t need it all. We could, I don’t know, ‘retire’ something of yours there. You know, as a symbol,” his gaze weighs heavy on you, and you can’t for the life of you understand what’s going through his mind. It frustrates you nearly as much as his stare seems to, and you shift your gaze back to the sky in your attempt to escape his holographic scrutiny.

“Let me guess, you’ll bring me flowers every day?” it surprises you that his tone isn’t mocking, but rather curious. “Would you visit his grave?” he seems to ask.

Trying to lighten the mood, you tease, “You know me, too busy trying not to die for all that.” You look back to him with a wink, “Plus, preem flowers are expensive these days, choom. ‘Fraid you’ll have to settle for the synth ones. Besides, you seem like a cheap date to me.”

“Bitch.”

“Just say, ‘Thank you.’”

It’s as close as either of you will come to what you really want to say.

---

From the roof of Misty’s building, it’s almost as if the troubles of the city no longer exist. You think you understand why Jackie found his choice up here. It seems as good a place as any to choose between life and death.

You would have to come to yours, too, soon. Maybe you already have, and you just don’t want to admit it.

The thought dwells in your head, and it feels like the only choice that makes sense.

“You’re not considering that. Please, tell me you’re not seriously considering going to those bastards again for help,” Johnny’s voice tears you from your dreadful stare over the neon Night City advertisements staring back at you. Promising everything from NiCola to the market version of the prototype Relic crammed in your head. “You’re trying to make sense of something that makes zero damn sense!”

You think he might wind up hating you forever, for this.

“Takemura said---” you begin, but he cuts you off as he stands from his spot on the ledge overlooking the city and takes up pacing.

“Fuck that guy!” Johnny rounds on you, fiery as ever--- but there’s something more terrible in his eyes; a grief that only comes from knowing he won’t be able to change your mind. “You’re just takin’ the easy way out! Those ‘Saka bastards won’t stay true to their word, you know. All they do is lie, and they’ll keep lying to you so long as it gets them what they want from you. You can’t really believe they’ll help you or me!”

The truth is, you’re too tired and you don’t know what’s worse: the taste of blood on your tongue, or the look of disappointment in his eyes.

You should be at least used to the blood by now.

“I’m dying, Johnny. Hanako is the only person who can maybe help us. Name someone else. Anyone! They made this tech---”

“They’re only gonna’ hurt you. We can do this a different way,” he stops pacing to stand so close that you can swear his boots touch yours. It’s as if you could feel the heat radiating off him, but that may just be the fever settling deathly into your skin, “Hell, give me the keys and I’ll get us to Mikoshi. I’ll burn this whole fuckin’ city to the ground to get you there and I’ll throw the pieces of you back together myself! I’ll gladly die trying---”

“But I don’t want you to die, either,” you fight back the tears at the thought of it, and he huffs down at you in utter exasperation, “can’t you get that?”

“Think they’ll do any better by me at Arasaka?” his chuckle is humorless, coming strained from the back of his throat. “You don’t believe that.”

“I can cut us a deal…” you look down, away from him, blinking out beyond where he stands towards the city lights. You don’t want to fight with him right now. You don’t think you can.

“With what leverage? Deals are only good so long as you have the upper hand, V,” he kneels into your eyeline, reaching out to grasp your chin in two silver fingers and turning you to face him fully. It’s gotten to the point that his hands on your skin feel akin to something real, dulled synapses firing with every spark of his hands on your skin. It’s how you know you’re close to the end. “Who is gonna’ be in your corner after they get everything they want?”

“Goro’s a man of his word.”

“You’re so fuckin’ naïve. Just as dumb as you were when you took that bullet to the brain from Dex, and I had to save your ass then, too,” Johnny growls your name like he hates you for it, but who knew how much you would come to welcome the end? Because when he frustratedly drags you forward by a harsh grip at the back of your head to eclipse his lips over yours, you can feel it. Him. In the burnt neurons of your addled mind, he is there against you--- kissing you with death on the edges of his lips, in all the heavy grief and anger that your choice has brought forth in him. It’s a terrible knowledge that pours from you into him of how much you’ve come to love him, and how desperately you know he’ll hate you for this, because maybe he’s right; maybe you really are naïve for wanting to believe in some way out of this.

He gasps against your lips like it wrecks him to the core; voice hoarse with the emotion as he curses, “Damn, you’re one stubborn bitch.”

“Inherited only your best traits, Johnny,” it’s just as dry on your tongue, and you lift your hand that has been clutching the omega blockers to your lips. You want to say it--- tell him in words how much you care for him. Instead, you murmur against his lips, “Please, don’t be mad,” and swallow the pills.

“I got a feeling you’re gonna’ regret this, choom, and I won’t be there to help you,” he leans away, and you feel the drugs start to kick in when his voice becomes more distant. “Don’t do this. Miracles like the one you’re hopin’ for don’t happen for screw-ups like us, you know.”

“Trust me.”

“I wish I didn’t trust you at all,” he sounds just as tired as you do when he says your name one last time before you blink and he’s gone. The bitter aftertaste of the pills tastes like betrayal on your tongue, and you already know Johnny will haunt you for the rest of your days.

You’re quickly reminded of why you’ve always hated taking the omega blockers.

It takes everything you have left not to sob at the feeling, like you’ve lost a limb--- gone numb and tingling painfully with the ghost of where he was. It’s as if everything is muted, including the deepest parts of yourself. You’re in a bad way, and you know you don’t have much longer now.

So, you find yourself committing to the desperate choice you’ve made, but you don’t call Hanako.

Instead, you call the only corpo you trust besides yourself, and hope it isn’t stupid to do so.

Takemura.

---

He is dressed in all white when he comes to find you at Misty’s Esoterica, looking like a harbinger of death in every sense of the word, “You… look like shit.”

“Don’t look half bad yourself, Goro,” you chuckle, but it turns into a wracking cough that leaves you with a more urgent taste of blood at your lips.

“Are you in any shape to negotiate?” he wonders, but it’s not threatening--- more of a genuine concern displayed with the arch of his brow. Johnny may disagree with you, but you still dare to think him a good man.

“Not in much shape to do anything, anymore, but I know exactly what I’m useful for. My eddies are on Hanako knowing this, too,” you lean on the arm he offers when you stumble on your way to the car. “After all, she sent you. Smart woman.”

“I would have come even had she not,” Goro confesses, pausing with his metal-laced fingertips on the back door. When you shoot him a questioning look, he offers you only a simple, “We have done much work to not see this through to the end, yes?”

“Who’d’ve thought we’d make it this far?”

Goro nods in agreement, before you’re sliding into the car behind Anders Hellman and hoping the Swede knows half of what he thinks he does about your condition, “Agreed.”

---

There’s something to be said for dying. It’s not always as bad as people make it out to be.

Some people would consider you dead. You always find yourself wondering what Johnny would think, these days.

You absentmindedly turn the Rubik’s cube in your hand with no real aim at solving it, letting your mind drift in the overly sterile room Arasaka’s finest clinicians have sequestered you to.

“Barbaric,” Goro called it once, but that didn’t stop them from putting you right back here again. The news plays softly on the screen you’ve been allowed to have after they determined it wouldn’t exacerbate your oversensitivity, but not even the privilege of phoning what few friends you have left can eat away at the boredom that’s settled into your bones in this space station. What was there to say, anyway?

Hi, it’s your favorite lab rat again! How’s it going in the real world? I’m going insane up here!

You can’t help but dwell on the thought that maybe Johnny was right about it all. Maybe it isn’t worth living if life is going to be like this.

Arasaka made no guarantees past what you had signed for on the dotted line the day Hanako had again sent Goro solely to break the news that your body was dying even after Johnny’s Relic had been extracted from your mind. It would seem the soft spot you’d held for Goro was well known by the Arasaka heiress. The woman is nothing if not strategic.

Hell, you’d gotten yourself a worse deal that day than you’d gotten for Johnny at the start of this. After all, you’d had nothing left to bargain with by then.

You were technically a construct, now. A lab experiment dreamed up by Arasaka’s best bioengineers and a team of physicians lead by Anders Hellman. Your current body was a multi-billion eurodollar joint Arasaka-Biotechnica venture that had only been put at the top of Hanako’s list when implanting her father’s construct into Yorinobu had gone awry. You’re convinced she would have been content to let you rot on a biochip in Mikoshi for the rest of your existence otherwise. After all, your contract never said when they had to provide you with a body, only that they were obligated to when the technology existed to allow it.

Turns out, rewriting someone else’s psyche does more damage to the physical body than anyone in Arasaka thought it would. You don’t know why it was such a surprise to them all when Yorinobu’s body couldn’t handle it, considering what it did to you. Maybe they just didn’t care, with how desperate they’d been to get any semblance of leadership back.

All you know is that Johnny Silverhand probably rolled over laughing in his grave, wherever it is, when Saburo Arasaka died a second, painful death.

They were using you as a top-secret prototype for Saburo 2.0, as you’ve come to call what will inevitably be the body they attempt to stick him in next. Sure, Arasaka as a company is facing charges in the New United States on Yorinobu’s death--- something about human testing that everyone knows will never stick--- but that will be swept under the rug much like any bad press Arasaka has gotten over this past year, with either cash or bullets dispensed.

“Shit,” you curse as you grow frustrated with the cube, tossing it onto the thin hospital mattress they kept on your bed. Rubbing your eyes as you try to refocus, it still feels strange to not feel the metal embedded in your skin. Worse still, you had to get used to what a fully ‘ganic body felt like again.

“You even human anymore, with all that chrome?” you can almost hear Johnny’s words to you when you got a new set of mantis blades from Vik’s clinic right before heading out for the oncoming fight at Clouds with the Tiger Claws. It was so long ago, now, but it doesn’t feel like it. That’s what Mikoshi does to a person, you figure. It’s hard to fully comprehend that so much time has passed.

Sometimes, you think you do hear him in more than just a memory. Like he’s still there, in your head. The doctors say it will pass with time, but they’ve been wrong before. Safe to say, Johnny literally changed your brain chemistry.

At least some part of you hopes they’re wrong, because you don’t know how you’ll make it in this world without him if Arasaka doesn’t stay true to their word.

It’s like you’ve lost a part of yourself, and you regret it more every day that you’re forced to live in this white box of a test tube that they’ve put you in. You should have died with him at Mikoshi. Gone out in a fiery blaze of glory and torn it all down with you, if only it would’ve made you feel a little better right before the end.

His last words to you had been as you went under the knife, right before they carefully excised him from your brain like a tumor.

“If this plan doesn’t work, Johnny--- If you wind up being right about Arasaka---” you had called to him through the code, as it weaved and curled around his form. It created and destroyed him all at the same time, but Johnny’s frown was still clear as day to you.

“I’m right about Arasaka,” he sounded nearly as exhausted as you had been on that roof the last time you’d talked. Defeated was something you’d never expected to see on him, “See? You haven’t changed at all. Still think you can outsmart the whole world, when you’re really just out of your depth.”

You didn’t want to think of this as a betrayal, but that’s what it was starting to feel like as you marinate in his sadness, “Look… I just want us to part as friends, for now. Just in case I don’t get to see you again after this, I wanted to tell you goodbye as proper friends.”

“Not sure that’s possible, anymore,” cut you to your core.

You wanted to reach for him, through the flickering code, but you didn’t dare. Heartbreak tastes a lot like blood on your tongue, even here.

“That’s what we are, aren’t we?”

“I don’t know, V. I just… don’t know.”

It was all you could remember of the interaction, though you’re certain there had to be more than that. Sometimes, when you dream instead of sleep, bits and pieces of it come back to you. That’s what you think it is, at least.

It’s far too real to be any normal nightmare.

It sounded too familiar when he said things like, “I just wish you’d stayed loyal to yourself,” or, “Those ‘Saka docs are cutting out a piece of us. Something we’ll never get back. It’ll leave a hole,” in those horrible dreams where memory emerges from the subconscious.

Perhaps this is just what you deserve. Your penance. The price you’ve got to pay for your choices, and the deal you made with the devil.

After all, nothing in Night City is ever free.

Multiple lifetimes of suffering, of being forced to go on without him? It’s almost poetic, in a Shakespearean tragedy sort of way. If this body fails, Arasaka will just test your construct in a new one until they get it right.

You’re company property and the Biotechnica cloning program is only in its infancy. Anders Hellman had told you as much himself when you’d asked.

“You’re one of the first successful cases, so far,” was, specifically, what he’d told you. It wasn’t much; Arasaka clearly wanted you in the dark.

You’d already proved too much trouble when left to your own devices, historically.

Have they brought you back before? How many bodies did you live and die in before this one? They could’ve wiped your memory of it, or maybe cut your engram into a million different pieces until something fit. You would never know the truth of what’s been done to you, most likely.

The door to your room slides open with a whirring noise, breaking you from your thoughts when the same scientist who you’ve come to understand is one of your daily handlers walks in, “It’s time for your daily tests.”

You try to not let the sarcasm drip from your tongue, but you’ve been failing at a lot of things these days.

“Always a pleasure to see you, too, Suki.”

You are dead, and this is just purgatory.

---

They eventually shipped you back to earth, “in accordance with the great progress you’ve displayed over these past few months,” as Anders had told it.

Earth was exhausting. Even though the Arasaka lab they had put you in had all the comforts of home, save for the overly-clinical aesthetics, it still took weeks for your body to become accustomed to its own weight. It was only then that you realized the space station’s simulated gravity was slightly less than that on earth, to allow for less pressure on your new joints and bones as your mind settled in. It’s perhaps why you had been able to relearn walking in the first place, because on earth you were much clumsier than you remember ever having been before.

There were bruises on your legs from the amount of times you’d tripped down or stumbled into something. You’re surprised they hadn’t yet put you in a padded room, but you must’ve been making progress, because eventually they sent a familiar face to see you again.

“おはようございます,” without translators installed into your body’s cyberware, the words that fall from Goro’s lips as he offers a slight bow take a moment for you to mentally decipher.

You don’t rightly care, because you’ve not seen a familiar face other than Anders since waking up in this body. Let alone, anything close to a friend.

He stiffens and freezes when you step forward to drag him into your arms, holding him in a tight embrace that almost has you melting against him with how much of a relief it felt to feel another person. It’s too forward, and you’d never have done it under normal circumstances---

But you’re so relieved to see him.

“You have no idea how good it is to see you,” you murmur as you release him, catching the slight tinge of a flush at his cheeks. He straightens his shirt, donned in black from head to toe. His hair isn’t pulled back, for once; it’s a little longer than when you had seen him last, “You look great, Goro.”

He seems to relax slightly at the familiar words, as if he hadn’t been quite sure what to expect of you at first. You watch as he takes you in, optics dilating as his settings switch with the distance you put between you again. It makes you slightly self-conscious under his scrutiny.

You know you look different. Sure, the core basics of yourself are the same, but you’re slimmer than you were before in this cloned body. Your cyberware is gone, as are the scars from a lifetime of mercenary work. Any tattoos you had were no longer etched into your skin, including Johnny’s. Then, there’s that new Arasaka logo brandished behind your ear that matched his own. The only good thing about your new appearance was that your hair had finally grown long enough to cover the logo when you left it down.

“You look like shit,” he cracks a smile after a second, “but it is good to see you, too.”

“What are you doing here?” you wonder as he walks further into your designated quarters, hands clasped behind his back, “Don’t tell me you get to tell a girl she’s dying twice.” He observes the room not unlike he did when he’d visited you on the space station, though seems less displeased with your living situation this time.

He doesn’t say, “barbaric,” at least.

It’s your words that earn his chastising side-eye, this time, “You should not joke. I do not want to do that again.”

“Well, don’t keep me in suspense,” the prodding does nothing to urge an explanation from him as he moves towards the desk on the other side of the room. The metal on his fingertips glints with sunlight as he moves the papers lying there--- some of the most recent status reports you’ve been given on your performance in Arasaka’s testing. A lot of it was redacted, but you were given just enough to know you weren’t dying currently.

That, they seemed to be taking as a win.

“How are you feeling?” he asks as his optics dart back and forth on the papers, reading them quickly. Surely, he’s had a briefing before he’d been sent to see you. Maybe he just doesn’t trust it was a full picture, or he wants to know what parts of it you know.

Settling into the couch, you reach for the tin of mints you’ve been hoarding recently. Popping one into your mouth, you turn it around as the fresh flavor bursts through your skin, scent sparking in your nostrils.

“Playing doctor now, Goro?” that gets him to look up from the papers to shoot you an unamused look that said just answer the question. You sigh, nail tapping the tin as you take a moment to get his answer, “Well, I’m tired and sore all the time from the physical therapy, and hypersensitive to almost fuck all. Oh, and they still won’t let me get any chrome installed--- even the minor stuff like optics.” You sigh, and the minty feeling tingles on your tongue, “Do you know how much deliberating it took for the white-coats to finally decide I was ready for an operating system update?”

“And the nightmares?” Goro turns away from the desk to instead lean on it, crossing his arms as he looks towards you. So, he had a more thorough briefing on your status than you expected.

You avert your eyes. It was bad enough having to talk to the mandated shrink about them. You really didn’t want to get into what plagued your mind with Goro.

“They’re nothing. It’s the physical symptoms that Arasaka cares about. That’s what’ll get Saburo a new body or not, right?”

He doesn’t let you off the hook that easily, “Arasaka has underestimated the impact of the mind on the body once already, at great cost. I do not think your mental state is considered ‘minor’ to your doctors and scientists, V.” After a moment’s pause, he confirms what you are thinking, “It is not considered something to be ignored by Arasaka’s board, either.”

“Is that what you’re here for?” you can’t help the irritation that seeps into your tone, “To give a first-hand report back to Hanako Arasaka and the board on my progress? Came to see the test subject for yourself instead of just reading the memo?”

“V…” his brow furrows, frown settling onto his lips as you turn your body away from him on the couch.

“Well, you’ve seen me! I trust you’ve gotten all the spicy details you need for your report on my mental status.”

“くそ,” he swears under his breath, as if exasperated with your antics. There is a stillness that comes with the silence between you after that, and you don’t dare turn to him. Instead, you focus on the tin in your hands and the mint in your mouth. Anything other than the pit in your stomach at the remembrance of the nightmares that plague you more nights than most.

There’s a shuffling of clothing and the sound of footsteps approaching as Goro comes to stand beside you, “You are… hypersensitive to words as well, it seems. Look at me, V.” You refuse to do it, and he sighs. In your peripheral, you can see him move to sit beside you on the couch, “Hanako-sama does expect me to relay your progress upon my return, but that is not the sole purpose for my visit.”

“Why’re you here, then?” it may be childish to still refuse to look at him, but you can’t bring yourself to. You feel as if nothing will be as it was before--- like even though you’ve fought terribly to return to normal, there would never be a moment when you felt like yourself again.

“You are being released.”

Your head snaps up to look at him when he says that, utter shock undoubtedly on your face. His own expression remains level, rock steady as he always seemed to be. You can see the truth of his words in his eyes; he has no reason to lie to you. You doubt Hanako would put him in a position to knowingly do so anyway.

“Released?” you breathe the word. You can’t quite believe the truth in his eyes.

“Hellman’s team has decided you have progressed as much as can be expected in a clinical setting. They think you are ready to return to a more ‘normal’ routine. I am here to tell Hanako-sama if I believe they are correct, based on what I know of you… who you were, already,” Goro holds up a hand, quelling the excitement he undoubtedly sees blossoming in your eyes. “This does not mean a return to what your routine was before. You cannot return to mercenary work.”

“So… I’m to live as a civilian, then?” you shift your whole body to face him, legs folded beneath you.

“In a sense… you will still be under Arasaka’s supervision, expected to meet every scheduled appointment and test. If you miss even one, you will be collected and returned here. There are other requirements, but I will leave those to be explained by your care team,” Goro watches as the news sinks in. He looks away, admitting, “I am maybe not the best to answer any questions you have about this.”

“Will I be staying in Tokyo?” is all you can think to ask, mind racing at the prospect of even a little freedom from this quarantine.

“At first, but I believe the goal is to reintroduce you to Night City should you continue to progress---” his words are choked off when you quickly grasp hold of his shoulders, pulling him into another hug. Just like before, he freezes, though this time he recovers enough to loosely hug you back.

“Thank you, Goro, for everything.”

---

The Corpo Plaza apartment didn’t feel like home, but it was closest to Arasaka tower and the Biotechnica building--- both of which you have to visit frequently. Well, at least it was less frequently than when you’d first been sent back to Night City, but it still wasn’t worth the constant drive from a different district.

Your fingers trace along the metal outlining your face as you glance at yourself in the mirror, having just finished a shower. The cyberware embedded in your cheeks is similar to what you had originally, though slightly different. You like it all the same, even if it had to be approved by Arasaka first. Every day you felt more like yourself, but you doubt you’ll ever be 100% you again. Too much has changed for this sense of newness to ever leave.

Even when you had reconnected with Victor, he looked at you like something uncanny. A dead woman walking. Misty could barely manage to look at you at all. Panam and the Aldecaldos had migrated; you were still waiting for her to return your call to figure out what they were up to these days. Judy was long gone, but getting out of Night City was maybe the best thing she could’ve done after everything.

Only Johnny’s old contacts seemed to remind you of who you were, and perhaps that’s because they’d never truly gotten to know you too well. Then, there was the feeling of loss that still gripped your soul. The ghost of Johnny Silverhand haunting your every thought and plaguing your dreams at night. You doubt you’ll ever be free of him. You hope he never fully fades from your psyche.

As much as it hurts, you still love him.

In hindsight, that’s probably the real reason why it would never work out between you and Goro. You’re still holding a torch for a dead man, and you’ll never be truly satisfied with anyone else.

In the end, Johnny has truly ruined you. Maybe it’s his last laugh: your complete inability to move on.

Your deal with Arasaka at the beginning had been for them to save him. To put him away into Mikoshi for the rainy day that the technology existed for a body suited for him to be a reality. The contract required them to release him into Night City after he had been deemed healthy, but you knew as well as anyone that contracts like these had loopholes even with the best lawyers pouring over them. Arasaka could truly do whatever they wanted with him once he was out of your head, other than destroying his engram.

When you had asked them the status on them holding up that end of your bargain, you had been met with cryptic answers. Hanako refused to meet with you, and you were in no shape without your combat cyberware to hunt her down yourself.

You’re terrified, honestly, at the idea of never seeing him again, nearly as much as you fear facing him.

Sighing, you step away from the mirror to move towards your bedroom while you towel-dry your hair as best you can. Tomorrow you were to report to Arasaka for your end-of-the-year testing and physical. Hellman would probably personally chastise you for the pizza you’ve ordered tonight. It was far from the approved meal plan, but it wasn’t as easy to find food that fit the diet and still tasted good outside of Japan. Finally, you understood Takemura’s issue with Night City’s synthfood.

Still, if one slice of pizza was going to kill you, you figure it’s a good enough way to go. Anything beats being an Arasaka pencil-pusher for the rest of your days.

“Night City Legend, Felled by PieZ,” the headlines would read, and it wouldn’t even mention the billions you’d cost Arasaka if you died.

Water drips down your jaw and you wipe it away with the towel before tossing it into the hamper. Scooping up an oversized sweatshirt that screamed support for the debut album of SAMURAI, it soaks up the few water droplets you’ve missed when drying and effectively covers the dog tags against your chest. Looking down at the hamper, you wish that Arasaka would sign off on you having a pet finally. Nibbles was doing fine at Victor’s, but you missed that furless cat.

The sound of your holo ringing is accompanied by Goro’s face flashing in your caller ID, and you pick up after a few moments, “Yo?”

“こんばんは,” Goro appears with his hair pulled up into a bun, and you could’ve been fooled that it was the old days if not for the few extra gray hairs he seemed to have now. “Are you ready for tomorrow?”

“What? You worried I’ll disappoint?” you roll your eyes at his pointed look. “You know I’m doing great now, practically would be back to my old self if they’d ever let me get my combat cyberwear.”

“And you know that Arasaka has invested too much in you for you to involve yourself in a Night City street fight. Do not think they will approve all your requests tomorrow, V, regardless of your progress,” he speaks reasonably, and maybe that’s what grinds your gears the most. You know good and well that Arasaka has everything riding on you. If you successfully keep from pushing daisies they’ll move forward with Saburo’s resurrection. Hell, maybe they already were. For their one and only living test subject, you’ve been doing relatively well, if not a little hypersensitive at times still.

“Not every fight in Night City is one you pick. What if I need to defend myself, huh?”

“Do you feel in danger? Has something happened?” Goro’s voice has an edge to it, concern, and you shake your head.

“I’m just making a point. Most folks who die in this city are just in the wrong place at the wrong time. My combat chrome would give me an edge again. Call it an investment in keeping me alive,” you snort, and Goro’s lips quirk upwards at your dry humor.

“You can plead that to the panel tomorrow after you pass all their tests. I think you should… what is the phrase? Not get your hopes up?”

“Did you call me just to bum me out, Goro?” you sigh, moving through your kitchen to rummage through your fridge and find a NiCola.

“Only to discuss reality.”

“I think you’re just scared I’ll kick your ass with all my chrome one of these days for how sassy you are,” the sarcasm drips from your tongue, and this time Takemura does sound thoroughly amused.

“I would like to watch your attempt at that, but I think you will need to remove the pizza from your diet first, V,” then, he hangs up. Never one for drawn-out goodbyes. You think you prefer it that way.

“I could’ve kicked your ass while on an only-pizza diet, once,” you grumble to the apartment around you, taking a swig of the NiCola. The ring of the doorbell breaks you from the thoughts of just how you can get back at Goro for that comment, “Speaking of pizza…”

Barefoot, you stroll towards the door, hoping the delivery guy followed your instructions to leave your food at the door. You don’t want to deal with awkward small talk with another human right now. Not bothering to check the cams to see if your instructions have been followed, you let the door slide open with a swipe of your hand against the key screen.

The door is barely halfway open when a hand catches your throat and forces you back into the apartment, a body forcing you up against the entryway wall as you choke out a startled noise under a firm grip. Terror claws at your skin as you grab at the arm attached to the hand before you manage to get a good look at him when he stills against you, breathing hard. It takes a moment for wide eyes to take in enough of his features to recognize the dark eyes staring back at you.

“J---”

“You couldn’t help yourself from being corpo scum again, could you? Selfish, that’s what this whole thing was--- what you are,” his voice--- oh, fuck, his voice, it rings in your ears in a way it never has before. Deep, familiar, and real. Strained with anger and choked with a breathless fury, but something else breaks against the fire swirling in his eyes--- some relief that settles nearly as devastatingly in your bones as his skin lays heavy and warm against yours.

You can’t believe it. You must be hallucinating. You’ve finally cracked and lost it. Something was malfunctioning in your head, certainly, because there’s no way he’s here.

Your fingertips shake as they reach out, away from the firm grip he still has on your throat, to ghost against the slope of his jaw. The scruff of a beard still remained there, but was shorter than how he had lived in your head. The scars on his face were gone, along with the tattoos on what skin of his you can see beneath the leather jacket he wears. His left hand was at your throat, and it was made of flesh and bone, not metal.

He swats at your hand when you finally touch him, a hurt in his voice that was so real that you couldn’t trick yourself into believing he was just a hallucination, “Did you ever think about what I wanted, huh, when you chose this?”

But you still can’t get past the sight of him, finally managing, “Is… it really you?”

“Fuck yes, it’s me. What’s wrong with you?”

“Johnny,” you gasp his name, nails digging into his pristine forearm, tears nearly blinding you as they well in your eyes at the overwhelming emotion that surges from your chest. You can’t hold it together, trembling against him, and only then does his grip soften at your throat.

His voice sounds devastatingly mournful as he growls in the quiet of your apartment, “You sold us both to fuckin’ Arasaka, V. Look what they did to you. You’re their property. Doesn’t it make you sick? Some things are worse than death, and I doubt ‘Saka will ever leave us to it, now.”

You hear what he’s saying. It sounds just like him, and your heart breaks at the sound. At the warmth of him, and the way his dark hair ghosts around his cheeks slightly shorter than you remember it being before. He’s really here, and he hates you.

His voice cracks, “Why are you crying?”

“I-I missed you,” you confess between the sobs, trying to swallow up the emotion. Damning yourself for not holding it together better than this at the sight of him, but it was such a shock, and only one thing could run through your mind as dreadful regret sank into your soul, “a-and now you’re going to hate me forever.”

He looks at you like he’s stunned by the words coming from your mouth, or maybe he’s shocked it’s all you’re capable of saying when you’ve betrayed him as thoroughly as he perceives.

“Shit, V,” he murmurs, reaching up to drag his thumb against your cheek and wiping away the messy tears that trailed there. He looks down at you like he’s almost annoyed at you for crying, but there’s a strange look in his eyes that you can’t fully place. “I wish it was something as easy as hating you, but I just can’t seem to catch a fuckin’ break.”

The confusion at his words nearly stuns your tears into small hiccups as you breathe, “What?”

“I don’t think I’ll ever be able to hate you,” it sounds like dread on his tongue, like fear and grief for the situation you’ve both found yourselves in. It sounds like a confession, from his lips, “I don’t think I’ll be able to forgive you for what you’ve done to me, either. I haven’t felt right without you since I woke up in this damn useless body. Feels like I should still be in yours.”

A breathless huff escapes you, almost akin to a laugh, as you realize what he’s trying to say, “You missed me, too, huh, rockerboy?”

“You’re the only thing about this damned city I missed,” he crowds you in, pressing you fully into the wall with his own body. “Not drugs, not alcohol, not music--- I came back here for you. Bein’ clean and having to put up with those ‘Saka corpo-drones has been the worst time of my life, by the way, but I did it because they said you were alive.” He looks at you, a hint of incredulousness in his eye, when he asks, “What the hell kind of a deal did you make with them?”

You’re terrified to tell him, but you can’t lie to him. Not after everything.

“I’m the reason Saburo Arasaka will live.”

Johnny curses, fury twisting his face, but the defeat is worse, “I should hate you. Fuck, why can’t I hate you?”

“I’m sorry---”

“Don’t lie to me,” he cuts you off, biting, “you’re not sorry. You don’t care if Saburo Arasaka lives or dies so long as we get to live.”

“Fine, you’re right,” anger flares in your own gut, exhausted annoyance lacing your tone, “but is that such a crime? I want to be okay again, Johnny! I want you to be okay, too!”

“And you’ll sell our souls for it?!”

“God, you’re such a dramatic asshole!” you nearly scream, slamming your eyes shut in your distress, “Go ahead and blame me for falling in love with a dead man, too, then! I should’ve known it would kill us both, but I couldn’t stop myself from loving you, Johnny! I wouldn’t have been able to go on knowing I’d left you to die, okay? That’s why I did this! Call me a selfish bitch if you want to; maybe you’re right---”

“Yeah? Well, I guess maybe I’m to blame for falling in love with a selfish bitch,” he growls, so close that his nose touches yours, and your eyes snap open just as he leans in to crash his lips against yours. It’s not wholly unlike the last kiss you shared with him, when he was just sparks on your neurons, and yet it’s entirely different.

There’s a taste to him now, but it’s not the cigarettes you had expected, but more akin to nicotine gum. Has he stopped smoking? He smells like leather and some sort of amber-scented cologne that has you weak in the knees.

But the way he kisses you is what nearly scrambles all coherent thought. He’s so warm and firm against you, the reality of his touch, tongue, and lips against yours desecrates the memory of the slight stimulation your neurons had simulated when he’d been in your head. Johnny seems to be in no better a state at the feeling of you against him, gasping into your mouth when your hands find his hair to drag him closer, and all the while all you can think is how happy you are that he is alive here and now.

It barely feels like it should be real.

He parts from you, catching his breath and staring at you with a look that sends heat rippling down your spine, flushing your skin in its wake.

You blink at him, head lulled back, and whisper through the feeling of having him back, like some piece of your soul coming home, “Fuck, I missed you, Johnny, so much.”

“You’re probably the only one, choom.”

“That’s not true. There’s Rogue, and Kerry---”

“They got their closure when I was hitchhiking in your skull. How can I just waltz back into their lives now?”

You tilt your head at him, “It can’t be that the Johnny Silverhand who was never afraid to die, is actually scared to live?”

He scoffs, leaning away from you with a roll of his eyes, “Is that the kinda’ psychobabble your ‘Saka shrink has been feeding you?”

“Could be,” you shrug, and a glint of the light at the metal around your neck catches his eye, “don’t mean it isn’t true.”

“What’s this?” he invades your space again, dragging a fingertip to loop at the chain at your neck, leading beneath your sweatshirt, and tugging it until the necklace drags into view. Dogtags clink in his hand and his eyes snap back up to yours in shock, “These--- you still have ‘em?”

Your cheeks heat with the find, and you don’t know why it’s so embarrassing even after you’ve told him that you’re in love with him. Of course you would’ve kept his dog tags. It only makes sense, but you want to defend it. The words crawl up your throat, and it takes all you have to swallow them down.

Instead, you reach up to begin to remove them, “You should probably have them back, now.”

Johnny’s hand catches yours, stilling it, “I… don’t know if I’m ready to step back into ‘em right now. ‘Sides, maybe I like the look of ‘em on you.”

You search his gaze, but he seems sure enough about the decision, “Alright. I’ll keep them, for now.”

“Good… It suits you,” a ring of the apartment door breaks you from whatever scrutiny weighed heavy in Johnny’s eyes. “The fuck is that?”

“My pizza this time, I hope,” you huff, pushing him back just enough to escape from between him and the wall. “I don’t know if I can take two of you showing up at my door tonight.”

Johnny trails after you, watching you open the door and pluck the pizza box from the ground where the delivery guy had left it as instructed, “Good news, there’s only one Johnny Silverhand.”

Turning towards him, you smirk, “Luckily.”

“Screw you.”

“You wish.”

[eternitas]

Hi 🫶🏻🫶🏻🫶🏻🫶🏻 Questions time!! For Ava and Lorenzo

Are there any tropes fandom would put upon your character, for better or for worse?

What headcanons/theories do you believe fandom would invent about your character?

By contrast, what would their haters dislike about your character? Is it a petty complaint? A mischaracterization of the character or their intentions? Are they just a woman in a largely male-centric series?

Ask Meme

Hi hi hi there! Thank you for sending this in Mel! I'm so honored that you have interest in my dudes!

Are there any tropes fandom would put upon your character, for better or for worse?

Ava is definitely one of the biggest yandere providers. The way he clings to his brother would spark many many yandere scenarios. I also think he is someone who is put a lot through unhealthy relationships or one sided loves. Another thing I could see with him is going through the entire shipping bingo (only one bed, hanahaki, fake boyfriends, arranged marriage, snowed in together-)

Lorenzo weirdly enough I could see as being made the reluctant team mom? Also def seen as being a witty one liner machine. Biggest enemies to lovers candidate tbh, he gets instantly paired with whoever he has beef with and that's half the cast.

LorAva as a ship would def be a fave for the tragedy enjoyers, because despite them working it out in canon they just have such high angst potential. Lots of "there was only one bed" stories.

What headcanons/theories do you believe fandom would invent about your character?

For Ava they'd definitely do a lot of HCs about how much he is like their mother and what that says about their mother and Ava in return. Lot's of fluffy headcanons about him being pure and wholesome, letting out his box animal to play, holding tea parties. There is definitely a long running theory that all officers and especially Xanxus have "adopted" Ava as their princess because it's Squalos cute younger brother? Many many "Xanxus is actually soft to Ava" headcanons.

Don't ask me how but i believe there'd be people who believe Lorenzo is secretly related to Belphegor or even Gokudera. Def a candidate of moe gap headcanons about him secretly being really into stuff like stuffed animals??? definitely a lot of "he is just misunderstood :c" posts and a strangely wide accepted AU of Lorenzo and Dera being brothers??? It's all good fun though

By contrast, what would their haters dislike about your character? Is it a petty complaint? A mischaracterization of the character or their intentions? Are they just a woman in a largely male-centric series?

The amount of hate for Ava, because there are a good few that ship him with his brother. In general I think most Ava hate would come through how he is depicted by fandom as this uwu shota bean too pure for this world, which makes him seem so unnecesarily childish. With the uwu baby bean comes also the "he has never done anything wrong in his life" which some find extremely annoying because Ava is ALSO violent and hotheaded and can say insanely stupid things. Also lots of hate because of his relationship with Takeshi and the Yama x someone else shippers don't like that.

Lorenzo is definitely just hated because he is a meanie. Or rather it's the whole "they are so unhealthy for each other" debate. One specific thing he is hated for by some is that [SPOILER ALERT] during the fights that break out to determine if Tsuna keeps listening to Squad 4 or if he refuses their teachings, Lorenzo actually wins his fight against Hibari through a technicallity and myyyy god there are enough Hibari fans who hate that so much, and therefore just can't forgive Lorenzo.

[breakandbuildfiction]

Spoiler Alert For ‘Apology Tour’!

As much as I enjoyed the episode and seeing Verosika again, there are two things about Apology Tour that I wish were handled differently.

One, and this is the one that annoys me the most, is that Martha and Mayberry are apparently in a relationship of some kind. I seriously don’t like this reveal. Martha’s actions helped drive Mayberry to punch her own ticket and Mayberry is the reason that Martha’s entire family was killed. Them being together is just… it feels super wrong and kind demeaning to their mutual pains and their past. Mayberry is in Hell in large part because of Martha for crying out loud!

Second is how short Blitzo and Verosika’s interaction was. It was beautifully done for what it was, but I was really hoping that this was going to be the episode where they actually dug deep with each other and came to a kind of understanding or mutual forgiveness. I didn’t expect them to become friends or anything, but I’d like it if they at least let go of their hatreds for each other! Instead we got Verosika basically getting Blitzo to admit that he is a fuckup and that he needs to let Stolas go. Again, it was an amazingly well done scene, I just wish we got more from the two interacting for what may very well be the last time.

Anyway, those are my thoughts on the episode. Anyone want to weigh in?

[winderlylandchime]

It has been an INSANE few months. Don’t get me wrong, while this man is not one for wanting kids or marriage, he is a giant marshmallow that loves romance stuff (even tho from past observations dating him is like doing bunch of side quests in a video game). That being said: I really really really wish you could see this man for the past few months. He’s still a giant dumbass, who has no filter and does dumb shit (last week he “borrowed” a plate from a restaurant bc he wasnt finished eating his spaghetti when dad decided that they were leaving, please try to imagine my dads look when he looked at the passenger side and realized my brother took the plate and fork) That being said, for the past few months he has been a blushing, giggling IDIOT! And he is still this way. I told Nick I know how annoying he can be in recovery and he went "idk what you mean, he's been very good" and I wanted to fight both of them. I HAD TO CHASE THAT MAN DOWN A STREET CAUSE HE WAS MAD AT CRAIG! meanwhile my boy Nick says "babe, maybe take a nap" and he goes "good idea but tv stays on so I feel like I'm winning this argument a little bit" ugh.

He really had zero idea what was happening until that pool/bar date and even that it was only because on the way home he stopped at his friends place and he was telling them about the “cool new guy he made friends with” and during the telling of the game and how he “let him win” he realized that he had Nick do the move that usually he would do on his dates. According to one of the friends there, it was like watching the oh…oh…OH..OH FUCK, in real life except he didn’t know he had the oh moment. (I asked btw, he had it while trying to sleep and out of nowhere he realized he actually likes him in a "gay way and not in an ALLY! way") (he is also upset about no longer being able to do the ally fist)

I do have to give my man Nick some credit tho. He found out about his qaf/Brian obsession and about the fact that bunch of strangers watched him react to it and he thought it was the most hilarious thing ever and I read him some of my brothers highlights and he actually found it adorable and funnt. Insane behavior if you ask me. It did however make me feel better when he learned about his Brian crush and went “you basically had a crush on him and you still thought we were just two bros hanging out?” And that idiot went “that’s no- OH MY GOD WAS BRIAN MY AWAKENING?!?!” (The answer from dad was ‘no, cause you were clearly asleep when you met’) Also his face was priceless when he found out that my brother played pool. It really was a dummy going on dates and not realizing it and a guy thinking he’s dating the most shy guy ever. He has since learned that my brother does not know that word.

I will have you know tho that about a month into their relationship we were having lunch and he looked at me in horror and went “oh no, they have that hashtag for me as straight brother. This will totally fuck it up for them” and I had to remind him that he is just a random guy and he got upset with me and went “yeah, but you can’t tell me that they won’t be at least a tiny 2% happy to know that I of all people managed to make Bri Bri proud!”  Btw the rimming joke actually made me laugh bc I was unfortunately a witness to him saying "Oh just like in quee-" and Nick going "yeah, no..let's not take inspirations from that"

SPOILER ALERT. Those following along, go back and read these in order!

Dear sweet anon, I AM DYING AT THESE UPDATES.

I snorted at the idea of him walking out of restaurant with a plate and a fork.

Nick is having it easy because your brother is still trying to impress him. One day he will see the full beast unleashed.

He can still make the fist about being an ally... just for other letters of the LGBTQIA community.

"You had a crush on him and still thought we were still bros hanging out" is sending me. Nick is a saint and I adore him already.

You and your brother are SO important. I do need to change the tag. And we are proud that my fanfic, QAF, and a matchmaker who clearly saw your brother better than he saw himself have all led to boyfriending Nick. I think this all counts for our recruitment numbers for the year.

[strawberriesinbloom]

the art of the kabedon

leviathan x reader

warning: this is a tickle fic sorry

summary: Leviathan tries to kabedon you. Spoiler alert: It does not work.

wc: 1,892

🍓

Leviathan had a dream about you last night.

Well, he had a dream about you every night, but this one was different. Usually, his dreams consisted of him working up the courage to do something for you, ranging from something as trivial as holding your hand to something more substantive, like planning the perfect date night. Without fail, he'd do something dumb, ruin the mood, and wake up before he actually did the thing he had set out to do.

How pathetic was that? Leviathan couldn't even be suave in the dream world. He was stuck being gross, weird Leviathan. 

This time; however, something else had happened in his dream. Everything started out normally enough: Leviathan was trying to kabedon you, only for him to give up…multiple times. 

It wasn't his fault! Whenever he would make eye contact with you, you would always give him that bright smile and get that knowing look in your eyes. It was the same face you gave him in real life, and it had managed to infiltrate his dreams. That damned look never failed to make him hot all over and cloud his mind with, uh, very normie thoughts.

After his fifth failed attempt, Leviathan was ready to jump into a hole and leave what was slowly turning into a nightmare. Just as he was making his great escape, you called out his name in that sweet voice you always did. 

Before he could understand what was happening, you had him pinned to the wall. One of your hands was right by his face as you casually leaned next to him. 

Leviathan's heart jumped out of his chest as he squeaked. He slammed his hand over his mouth, and his cheeks started to burn. Tiny drops of sweat prickled his forehead. You were close. Very close. He could almost feel your breath on his lips.

This was all wrong! He was the one that was supposed to sweep you off of your feet, not the other way around. You had managed to kabedon him, instead, and…and he wasn't completely hating it? 

Leviathan gulped. You grinned and opened your mouth to say–

That was when Leviathan woke up. He threw his covers off of him and scrambled to get out of his bathtub. His shirt was drenched in sweat, and it took longer than he'd like to admit to slow his breathing down. 

Afterward, he sat on the floor for a bit, his mind reeling from such an embarrassing dream. Although Leviathan liked what you had done (he loved it, actually), a part of him was still disappointed that he had failed to charm you, again. It was so annoying. Leviathan was more confident in his dreams where he was trying to defeat a giant boss with nothing but a sword.

Leviathan sighed. He couldn't be like this anymore. You were such an amazing and wonderful person, and he was just a yucky otaku. He had so many reasons to love you, what reasons did you have? 

Henry 2.0 swam around in his tank. The soft sound of the bubbling fish tank filled what would have otherwise been silence. Leviathan leaned against the fish tank. The glass cooled him down a little.

He couldn't act like this forever. Leviathan resolved to stop moping around and finally give you a reason to adore him as much as he adored you. He was going to sweep you off of your feet, and he was going to succeed. 

—

"Levi? Are you here?" You called out as you peeked through his bedroom door. It was open by a crack, which wasn't a sight one would normally see for the shut-in's room.

Leviathan had texted you a few minutes ago, stating that he was having a gacha emergency and needed your lucky fingers to finally get him that shiny new weapon that he absolutely NEEDED to have. He hid behind his bathtub, waiting with anticipation for the perfect time to strike.

When you didn't receive an answer, you stepped inside. "Hello? Are you alright?" You hummed, your hand resting on the doorframe. "I received your text. You said you wanted me to come over, right?"

You turned around to close the door. Leviathan knew it was his time to strike. He rushed at you. You had barely glanced up when he slammed the door shut with a loud thud. 

Both of his arms were outstretched with a hand on either side of your face. You turned slightly so that you were facing him. Your jaw hung open, and your eyes were as wide as saucers. You exhaled, and, just like in his dream, your warm breath washed over him. 

Leviathan tilted his head forward so that your noses were touching. From the way his heart started hammering away in his ribcage, he realized immediately that this was way too close for him to handle. Leviathan pulled back. 

His legs wobbled underneath him, and he was certain that they were about to give out. Leviathan bit his lip, soaking in your features one at a time. He was afraid that if he were to look at your entire face at once, he would pass out right then and there.

You closed your mouth and tilted your head to the side. Your eyebrows furrowed together. "What are you doing?" 

Leviathan jumped, his entire face flushing. He was certain that he must have been tomato red. "...K-kabedon…" Leviathan sputtered out. He was struggling to form a full sentence.

"Why?"

Because…because…he wanted you to like him? Gah, what was he thinking? This was such a stupid plan!

Leviathan stared at the floor. "I just wanted to fluster you for a change," he said.

You laughed. It was such a sweet melody that Leviathan would have done anything to capture the sound forever. "Did you really think that would work?"

"Yes…?"

"You know that's my job, Levi," you said, "Besides, you forgot something."

Leviathan racked his brain for what that could be. "What?"

"This!" 

You dug your fingers into his armpits. Leviathan screeched and clamped his arms down. He tried to back away but you followed him, much to his demise.  "Wahahait!" He gasped. This wasn't fair! You weren't supposed to play such dirty tricks.

Leviathan wiggled out of your grip. He dashed across his room. "Come back!" You shouted, clambering to chase after him.

"No!" Leviathan whined. He yelped as he stumbled over a blanket that he had tossed on the floor this morning. Leviathan was now deeply regretting his disorganized nature.

That extra second was all you needed to catch up to him. "Got you!" you sang. Your hands squeezed his sides, and Leviathan immediately tumbled down. It was humiliating how little of a fight he had put up.

"Pleahahase!" He lay on his side as you knelt over him, your fingers scribbling across his stomach. "I-I can't tahAHAKE IHIHIHIT!" His laughter jumped an octave when you found a particularly sweet spot just under his belly button.

"Aw, is it really that bad?" you asked. The tone of your voice was deceivingly sweet, despite the circumstances.

Like the monster you were, you targeted that spot for a while, probably relishing in the way he trembled underneath you. If Leviathan could barely stomach the idea of holding your hand, how was he supposed to handle you touching him all over? This was all too much!

Leviathan pulled his legs up and curled up into a ball, preventing you from reaching his stomach. For a few, glorious seconds, he thought he was safe. That was, until, your fingers found their way to his ribs. 

Leviathan flipped over on his back in surprise. You placed a knee on his jacket, preventing him from running away. "Wahaha!" Leviathan spasmed when the tips of your fingers spidered in between each groove. "Nohohohoho fahahair!" 

"It's plenty fair," you said with a devious smile.

As a ditch effort, he tried to pry your hands off of him. He grabbed your wrists, but you pulled free with ease before shoving your hands up his exposed underarms, again. "GAHAHAHA!" Leviathan wasn't expecting that. 

He wrapped his arms around himself. Maybe if he pressed down on your hands hard enough, you wouldn't have any room to wiggle your fingers.

BAD PLAN! BAD PLAN! Leviathan practically screamed when you started pinching his underarms. "NOHOHO!" He shook his head from side to side. "HAHAHAHA!" The sensation was somehow worse than when you were simply tickling him. 

Your hands slipped back down, and you started tickling at the area where his armpits met his ribs. A bad spot, for sure, but not as bad as it could be.

"Now, why were you trying to kabedon me earlier?" You leaned down so close that your face was right on top of his. Any closer and you'd be–

Leviathan choked on his saliva, sending him into both a choking and a laughing fit. You waited for him to clear his throat before repeating the question. Your fingers were still prodding at his ribs but at a slower pace than before.

"I, um," Leviathan giggled, "I-I-I hahad this dreheam, and ihit made me wahant to–"

"The real reason," you said before pinching his skin. He barked out a sudden, loud laugh. 

“That wahahas the real reason!”

You kept tickling him.

"Fihihine! Fine!" Leviathan shouted through his soft giggles. "I just! I just wahanted to be your knihihight in shining armor for once! I want to behehe confident and cool! I wahahant to gihihive you a reason for you to love mehehe!

You gave him a long, thoughtful look. Leviathan was glad it didn't look like you were outwardly hating him for that confession. He was less than happy with how you were still running your fingers up and down his torso, though. It was beginning to get overwhelming.

"Plehehease stop tihickling me!" 

You blinked. You jerked your hands back as though his skin had turned scalding hot, which, in a way, it sure felt like it had. 

"I'm sorry." You gave him a sheepish grin. "I got lost in thought."

You scooted off of Leviathan, so he could sit up. He hugged his knees and huffed out a quiet, "That's okay." 

After a brief pause, you said, "I don't need a reason to love you, Levi. You realize that, right?"

Leviathan quietly nodded. He tapped his fingers against his legs. 

You continued, "I like you just the way you are. You're so passionate about your interests, and you always make me laugh. You're sweet, and I enjoy spending time with you." 

You placed a hand on his back, which sent electrifying sparks throughout his body. "Do you really mean that?" Leviathan whispered. A wobbly smile was already creeping onto his face, no matter how hard he tried to will it down. He sat up straight, tucking his legs underneath him.

"Of course."

"...Can I hug you?"

In lieu of an answer, you wrapped your arms around him and squeezed. Butterflies soared across his stomach as he hugged you back. 

"Sorry about earlier," you mumbled into his hair, "I think I went a little too far."

"D-don't worry about it." He had already admitted one embarrassing secret for today. Leviathan would rather die than also admit that a part of him kind of liked it when you messed around like that.