#spielberg face is strong

[beeps-mess]

Autistic Reader + NCIS Team (Part Two)

Once again, little drabbles of a gender-neutral reader with autism interacting with the NCIS team. This one has Jack, Ducky, Tony, Tim, Kasie, and Nick.

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Part One

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Jack had picked up on your routine and habits quickly. She knew what time you arrived every morning, she knew how you took your coffee, and that you had to have a specific lid on the cup or else the texture made everything taste horrible when drinking. This information came into hand pretty soon after she noticed it. You had stayed at the office with Gibbs, working through different paperwork, and Tim had tried to be nice by picking you up coffee. Unfortunately, you had worked yourself to the bone, too tired to speak up when you felt the gross paper lid on your lips. Logically, Jack knew you were most likely semi-verbal, if not nonverbal, and waited until you had left to go to the restroom to explain the preference when it came to lid texture. By the time you came back, there was a plastic lid on the coffee cup, one that didn’t make you want to spit the drink back out. You spun around the room, seeing blonde hair retreat into her office before you could even call out her name. A plastic reusable lid showed up on your desk the next week, fitting onto the cups from the nearest coffee shop that had the paper lids.

-

In your early days at NCIS, you avoided the morgue, finding the smell of bleach too overwhelming. As time went on, you got attached to Ducky, facing the strong smell to talk to the doctor. You would go back and forth with random stories, Ducky having heard so many of your stories that he started telling them when they related to a case. At some point, the conversations always made it to the topic of documentaries, a shared love between the two of you. Most days there would be a suggestion on a topic or feedback on a recommendation documentary. At one point, the two of you ended up bumping into each other when checking out DVDs at the same location, deciding it would just be easier to watch them together. It became the normal thing for the two of you to get together twice a month to watch a documentary, the host deciding which one. It was a constant in your life, something you appreciated very much.

-

When Tony heard you liked a good amount of Steven Spielberg’s movies he was excited, hoping you would like some other classics, but he was wrong. You liked the Jurassic Park movies the most, the Indiana Jones and Back to the Future movies following closely but that was really it. Jaws was okay, Gremlins wasn’t really your thing, and you had a strange distaste for the Goonies, something that made Tony explode when you told him. It was even worse when you said Shrek was a piece of art. All of his other films were too emotional or just didn’t catch your eye. To put it simply, Tony was frustrated, thus, starting a tradition. Once a month you would sit down with Tony and a bowl of popcorn to watch any film he deemed a classic. It was hit and miss, some being great while others just seemed plain dumb. You did appreciate his consideration when it came to the loud noises in the movies, knowing when to turn the volume down or warning you. After multiple movies though, you felt that you needed to share too, causing a rotation to start. One month, he would choose one of his classics, the next, you would choose a sci-fi movie you liked. You didn’t notice how much you liked the silly tradition until he became an agent at sea, which stopped the movies. He would try to throw out movie suggestions but you could never sit down long enough to actually start the film, something he was amused by when he eventually came back.

-

Tim had stumbled onto you and Tony bickering about movies one day, which piqued his interest. Only really doing so because the topic of the bickering was whether or not Han Solo was a douche. Tony was of the opinion that he wasn’t but you were convinced he was. Tim realized his mistake the moment he realized the topic though. Never walk into a room where two people are bickering especially if it was between you and Tony regarding films. He was immediately asked his stance, causing the conversation to end quickly when he meekly agreed with you. The topic of Star Wars wasn’t brought up again for a while, with work taking up the majority of Tim and your conversations. The topic was finally brought up again when you mentioned going home and being bored, Tim offering for you to come over and watch Star Wars with him. From there, your friendship expanded. Free time at work was spent chatting about similar nerdy stuff and scheduling movie get-togethers.

-

Kasie had taken up Abby’s tradition of making apparel for new NCIS agents but also added the tradition of making yearly sweaters or caps for the team. Every winter season they were handed out, a cap going to Nick while everyone else would get a sweater. It was a cute tradition and one that you loved until she tried out a new type of yarn. It was horrible. The texture was uncomfortable and you left the sweater in the box for weeks after you got it. Kasie didn’t know until the yearly holiday get-together. Everyone had shown up wearing their gifts except you, who chose to wear the one from last year. She had frowned, only figuring out that you might’ve disliked the yarn texture then. The next week, a new sweater arrived on your desk, the same design and the old one was nowhere to be found.

-

It was common knowledge that Nick wasn’t the best with words, often panicking when people are emotional around him, so it was surprising for him to sit next to you while you sobbed your ass off. You had gotten deep into a case, becoming horribly sad when another person fell victim to the killer. Nick just sat with you, explaining he didn’t do words but if you needed company he was there. When he tried to stand your hand reached out, grasping his wrist, making him sit back down. He sat with you for an hour in silence.

[blackswaneuroparedux]

Anonymous ask: What do you think of the new Indiana Jones movie? And of Phoebe Waller-Bridge?

In a nutshell: From start to finish ‘Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny’ is watching Indiana Jones being a broken-down shell of a once great legacy character who has to be saved by the perfect younger and snarky but stereotypical ’Strong Independent Woman’ that passes for women characters in popcorn movies today.

I went in to this film with conflicted feelings. On the one hand I was genuinely excited to see this new Indiana Jones movie because it’s Indiana Jones. Period. Yet, on the other hand I feared how badly Lucasfilm, under Kathleen Kennedy’s insipid woke inspired CEO studio direction, was going to further tarnish not just a screen legend but the legacy of both George Lucas and Steven Spielberg. The cultural damage she has done to such a beloved franchise as the Star Wars universe in the name of progressive woke ideology is criminal. The troubled production history behind this film and its massive $300 million budget (by some estimates) meant Disney had a lot riding on it, especially with the future of Kathleen Kennedy on the line too as she was hands on with this film.

To me the Indiana Jones movies (well, the first three anyway, the less we say about ‘Kingdom of the Crystal Skull’ the better) were an important part of my childhood. I fell in love with the character instantly. Watching ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ (first on DVD in my boarding school dorm with other giggly girls and later on the big screen at a local arts cinema retrospective on Harrison Ford’s stellar career) just blew me away. 

As a girl I wanted to be an archaeologist and have high falutin’ adventures; I even volunteered in digs in Pakistan and India (the Indus civilisation) as well as museum work in China as a teen growing up in those countries and discovering the methodical and patient but back breaking reality of what archaeology really was. But that didn’t dampen my spirit. Just once I wanted to echo Dr. Jones, ‘This belongs in a museum!’ But I happily settled for studying Classics instead and enjoyed studying classical archaeology on the side.

I couldn’t quite make sense why Indiana Jones resonated with me more than any other action hero on the screen until much later in life. Looking like Harrison Ford certainly helps. But it’s more than that. I’ve written this elsewhere but it’s worth repeating here.

‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ is considered an inspiration for so many action films yet there’s a very odd aspect to the film that’s rather unique and rarely noticed by its critics and fans. It’s an element that, once spotted, is difficult to forget, and is perhaps inspiring for times like the one in which we currently live, when there are so many challenges to get through. Typically in action films, the hero faces an array of obstacles and setbacks, but largely solves one problem after another, completes one quest after another, defeats one villain after another, and enjoys one victory after another.

The structure of ‘Raiders’ is different. A quick reminder:

- In the opening sequence, Indiana Jones obtains the temple idol only to lose it to his rival René Belloq (Paul Freeman). - In the streets of Cairo, Indy fails to protect his love, Marion Ravenwood (Karen Allen), from being captured (killed, he assumes). - In the desert, he finds the long-lost Ark of the Covenant, only to have it taken away by Belloq. - Indy then recovers the ark only to have it stolen a second time by Belloq, this time at sea. - On an island, Indy tries to bluff Belloq into thinking he’ll blow up the ark. His bluff fails. Indy is captured. - The climax of the film literally has its hero tied to a post the entire time. He’s completely ineffectual and helpless at a point in the movie where every other action hero is having their greatest moment of struggle and, typically, triumph.

If Indiana Jones had done absolutely nothing, if the famed archeologist had simply stayed home, the Nazis would have met the same fate - losing their lives to ark’s wrath because they opened it. It’s pretty rare in action films for the evil arch-villains to have the same outcome as if the hero had done nothing at all.

Indy does succeed in getting the ark back to America, of course, which is crucial. But then Indy loses the ark, once again, when government agents send it to a warehouse and refuse to let him study the object he chased the whole film. In other words: Indiana Jones spends ‘Raiders’ failing, getting beat up, and losing every artefact that he risks his life to acquire. And yet, Indiana Jones is considered a great hero.

The reason Indiana Jones is a hero isn’t because he wins. It’s because he never stops trying. I think this is the core of Indiana Jones’ character.

Critics will go on about something called agency as in being active or pro-active. But agency can be reactive and still be kinetic to propel the story along. It’s something that has progressively got lost as the series went on. With the latest Indiana Jones film I felt that Indiana Jones character had no agency and ends up being a relatively passive character. Sadly Indiana Jones ends up being a grouchy, broken, and beat up passenger in his own movie.

Released in 1981, ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ remains one of the most influential blockbusters of all time. Exciting action, exotic adventure, just the right amount of romance, good-natured humour, cutting-edge special effects: it was all there, perfectly balanced. Since then, attempts have been made to reproduce this winning recipe in different narrative contexts, sometimes successfully (’Temple of Doom’ and ‘the Last Crusade’), usually in vain (’Crystal Skull’).

What are the key ingredients of an Indiana Jones movie? There are only four core elements - leaving aside aspects of story such as the villain or the goal - that you need in place before anything else. They are: the wry, world-weary but sexy masculine performance of Harrison Ford; the story telling genius of George Lucas steeped in the lore of Saturday morning action hero television shows of the 1950s; the deft visual story telling and old school action direction of Steven Spielberg; and the sublime and sweeping music of the great John Williams. This what made the first three films really work.

In the latest Indiana Jones film, you only have one. Neither Lucas and Spielberg are there and arguably neither is Harrison Ford. John Williams’ music score remains imperious as ever. His music does a lot of heavy lifting in the film and let’s face it, his sublime music can polish any turd.

This isn’t to say the ‘Dial of Destiny’ is a turd. I won’t go that far, and to be honest some of the critical reaction has been over-hysterical. Instead I found it enjoyable but also immensely frustrating more than anything else. It had potential to be a great swan song film for Indy because it had an exciting collection of talent behind it.

In the absence of Spielberg, one couldn’t do worse than to pick James Mangold as next best to direct this film. Mangold is a great director. I am a fan of his body of work. After ‘Copland’, ‘Walk the Line’, ‘Logan’ and ‘Le Mans 66’ (or ‘Ford vs Ferrari’), James Mangold has been putting together a fine career shaped by his ability to deliver stories that rediscover a certain old-fashioned charm without abusing the historical figures - real or fictional - he tackles. And after Johnny Cash, Wolverine and Ken Miles, among others, I had high hopes he would keep the flame alive when it came to Indiana Jones. Mangold grew up as a fanboy of Spielberg’s work and you can clearly see that in his approach to directing film.

But in this film his direction lacks vitality. Mangold, while regularly really good, drags his feet a little here because he’s caught between putting his own stamp on the film and yet also lovingly pay homage to his hero, Spielberg. It’s as if he didn't dare give himself away completely, the director seems too modest to really take the saga by the scruff of the neck, and inevitably ends up suffering from the inevitable comparison with Steven Spielberg.

Mangold tries to recreate the nostalgic wonder of the originals, but doesn't quite succeed, while succumbing to an overkill of visual effects that make several passages seem artificial. The action set pieces range from pedestrian to barely satisfying. The prologue sequence was vaguely reminiscent of past films but it was still a little too reliant on CGI. The much talked about de-ageing of Harrison Ford on screen was impressive (and one suspects a lot of the film budget was sunk right there). But Indiana’s lifeless digitally de-aged avatar fighting on a computer-generated train, made the whole sequence feel like the Nazi Polar Express. Because it didn’t look real, there was no sense of danger and therefore no emotional investment from the audience. You know Tom Cruise would have done it for real and it would have looked properly cinematic and spectacular.

The tuk tuk chase through the narrow streets of Tangiers was again an exciting echo of past films, especially ‘Raiders’, but goes on a tad too long, but the exploration of the ship wreck (and a criminally underused cameo by Antonio Banderas) was disappointing and way too short. 

The main problem here is the lack of creativity in the conception of truly epic scenes, because these are not dependent on Ford's age. Indeed, the film could very well have offered exhilarating action sequences worthy of the archaeologist with the whip, without relying solely on the physicality of its leading man. You don't need a Tom Cruise to orchestrate great moments but you could do worse than to follow his example. 

Mangold uses various means of locomotion to move the character  - train, tuk tuk, motorbike, horse - and offers a few images that wouldn't necessarily be seen elsewhere (notably the shot of Jones riding a horse in the middle of the underground), but in the end shows himself to be rather uninspired, when the first three films in the saga conceived some of the most inventive sequences in the genre and left their mark on cinema history. There are no really long shots, no iconic compositions, no complex shots that last and enrich a sequence, which makes the film look too smooth and prevents it from giving heft to an adventure that absolutely needs it.

And so now to the divisive figure of Phoebe Waller-Bridge. 

It’s important here to separate the person from the character. I like Phoebe Waller-Bridge and I loved her in her ‘Fleabag’ series. She excels in a very British setting. I think she is funny, irreverent, and a whip smart talented writer and performer. I also think she has a particular frigid English beauty and poise about her. When I say poise I don’t mean the elegant poise of a Parisienne or a Milanese woman, but someone who is cute and comfortable in her own skin. You would think she would be more suited to ‘Downton Abbey’ setting than all out Hollywood action film. But I think she almost pulls it off here. 

In truth over the years Phoebe Waller-Bridge, known for her comedy, has been collecting franchises where she is able to inflict her saucy humour into a hyper-masculine space. I don’t think her talent was properly showcased here. 

Hollywood has this talent for plucking talented writers and actors who are exceptional in what they do and then hire them do something entirely different by either miscasting them or making them write in a different genre. I think Phoebe Waller-Bridge is exceptional and she might just rise if she is served by a better script.

In the end I think she does a decent stab at playing an intriguing character in Helena Shaw, Indy’s long lost and estranged god daughter and a sort of amoral rare artefacts hustler. Phoebe Waller-Bridge brings enthusiasm, charm and mischief to the role, making her a breath of fresh air. She seems to be the only member of the on-screen cast that looks to be enjoying themselves. 

To be fair her I thought Waller-Bridge was a more memorable and interesting female character than either Kate Capshaw (’Temple of Doom’, 1984) and Alison Doody (’Last Crusade’, 1989). She certainly is a marked improvement on the modern woke inspired insipid female action leads such as Brie Larson (’Captain Marvel’), or any women in the Marvel universe for that matter, or Katherine Waterson (’Alien Covenant’). Waller-Bridge could have been reminiscent of Kathleen Turner (’Romancing the Stone’) and more recently Eva Green, actresses who command attention on screen and are as captivating, if not more so, than the male protagonists they play opposite.

To be sure there have been strong female leads before the woke infested itself into Hollywood story telling but they never made it central to their identity. Sigourney Weaver in ‘Alien’ and Linda Hamilton in the ‘Terminator’ franchise somehow conveyed strength of character with grit and perseverance through their suffering, while also being vulnerable and confident to pull through and succeed. Phoebe Waller-Bridge’s character isn’t quite that. She doesn’t get into fist fights or overpowers big hulking men but she uses cheek and charm to wriggle out of tight spots. She’s gently bad ass rather the dull ‘strong independent woman’ cardboard caricatures that Marvel is determined to ram down every girl’s throat. If Waller-Bridge’s character was better written she might well have been able to revive memories of the great ladies of Hollywood's golden age who had the fantasy and the confidence that men quaked at their feet.

What lets her character down is the snark. She doesn’t pepper her snark but she drowns in it. All of it directed at poor Indy and mocking him for his creaking bones and his entire legacy. It’s a real eyesore and it is a real let down as it drags the story down and clogs up the wheels that power the kinetic energy that an adventure with Indiana Jones needs. ‘The grumpy old man and the young woman with the wicked repartee set off across the vast world’ schtick is all well and good, but it does grate and by the end it makes you angry that Indy has put up with this crap. I can understand why many are turned off by Waller-Bridge’s character. As a female friend of mine put it, we get the talented Phoebe Waller Bridge’s bitter and unlikable Helena acting like a bitter and unlikable man. But it could be worse, it could be as dumb as Shia LaBeouf‘s bad Fonzie impersonation in 'Crystal Skull’.

I would say there is a difference between snark and sass. Waller-Bridge’s character is all snark. If the original whispers are true the original script had her way more snarkier towards Indy until Ford threatened to leave the project unless there were re-writes,  then it shows how far removed the producers and writers were from treating Indy Jones with the proper respect a beloved legacy character deserves. It’s also lazy story telling.

Karen Black gave us real sass with Marion Ravenwood in ‘Raiders’. Her character was sassy, strong, but also vulnerable and romantic. She plays it pitch perfect. Of all the women in Indy’s life she was good foil for Indy.

Spielberg is so underrated for his mise-en-scène. We first meet Marion running a ramshackle but rowdy tavern in Tibet (she’s a survivor). She plays and wins a drinking game (she’s a tough one), she sees Indy again and punches him (she��s angry and hurt for her abandoning her and thus revealing her vulnerability). She has the medallion and becomes a partner (she’s all business). She evades and fights off the Nazis and their goons, she even uses a frying pan (she’s resourceful but not stupid). She tries on dresses (she’s re-discovers her femininity). Indy saves her but she picks him up at the end of the film by going for a drink (she’s healing and there’s a chance of a new start for both of them). This is a character arc worth investing in because it speaks to truth and to our reality.

The problem with Phoebe Waller-Bridge’s character is that she is constantly full on with the snark. Indy and Helena gripe and moan at each other the entire film. Indy hasn’t seen her in years, and she felt abandoned after her father passed, so there’s a lot of bitterness. It’s not unwarranted, but it also isn’t entertaining. It’s never entertaining if the snark makes the character too temperamental and unsympathetic for the audience to be emotionally invested in her.

I think overall the film is let down by the script. Again this is a shame. The writing talent was there. Jez and John-Henry Butterworth worked with James Mangold on ‘Ford v. Ferrari’ and co-wrote ‘Edge of Tomorrow‘ while David Koepp co-wrote the first ‘Mission: Impossible’ (but he also penned Indiana Jones and the ‘Kingdom of the Crystal Skull’, and the 2017 version of ‘The Mummy’ that simultaneously started and destroyed Universal’s plans for their Dark Universe). I love the work of Jez Butterworth who is one of England’s finest modern playwrights and he seemed to have transitioned fine over to Hollywood. But as anyone knows a Hollywood script has always too many cooks in the kitchen. There are so many fingerprints of other people - studio execs and directors and even stars - that a modern Hollywood script somehow resembles a sort of Ship of Theseus. It’s the writer’s name on the script but it doesn’t always mean they wrote or re-wrote every word.

Inevitably things fall between the cracks and you end up filming from the hip and hoping you can stitch together a coherent narrative in post-production editing. Clearly this film suffered from studio interference and many re-writes. And it shows because there is no narrative fluidity at work in the film.

Mads Mikkelsen’s Nazi scientist is a case in point. I love Mikkelsen especially in his arthouse films but I understand why he takes the bucks for the Hollywood films too. But in this film he is phoning in his performance. Mads Mikkelsen does what he can with limited screen time to make an impact but this character feels so recycled from other blockbusters. Here the CIA and US Government are evil and willing to let innocent Americans be murdered in order to let their pet Nazi rocket scientist pursue what they believe to be a hobby. But to be fair the villains in the Indy movies have never truly been memorable with perhaps Belloq, the French archaeologist and nemesis of Indy in ‘Raiders’, the only real exception. It’s just been generic bad guys - The Nazis! The Thugee death cult! The Nazis (again)! The Commies! Now we’re back to Nazis again which is not only safer ground for the Indy franchise but something we can all get behind.

However Mads Mikkelsen’s Dr. Voller, is the blandest and most generic Nazi villain in movie history. At the end of World War II, Voller was recruited by the US Government to aid them in rocket technology. Now that he’s completed his task and man has walked on the moon, he’s turning his genius to his ultimate purpose, the recovery of the ‘Dial of Destiny’ built by Archimedes. Should he find both pieces of the ancient treasure, he plans to return to 1930s Nazi Germany, usurp Hitler, and use his advanced knowledge of rocket propulsion to win the war. In a sense then he was channeling his inner Heidegger who felt Hitler had let down Nazism and worse betrayed Heidegger himself.

So there is a character juxtaposition between Voller and Indy in the sense both men feel more comfortable in the past than the present. But neither is given face time together to explore this intriguing premise that could have anchored the whole narrative of the film. It’s a missed opportunity and instead becomes a failure of character and story telling.

Then there are the one liners which seemed shoe horned in to make the studio execs or the writers feel smug about themselves. There are several woke one lines peppered throughout the film but are either tone deaf or just stupid.

“You trigger happy cracker”-  it’s uttered without any self-awareness by a black CIA agent who is chaperoning the Nazi villain. Just because white people think it’s dumb and aren’t bothered by it doesn’t make it any less a racial slur. If you want authenticity then why not use the ’N’ word then as it would historically appropriate in 1969? The hypocrisy is what’s offensive.

“You stole it. He stole it. I stole it. It’s called capitalism.” - capitalism 101 for economic illiterate social justice warriors.

“[I’m] daring, beautiful, and self-sufficient” - uttered by Helena Shaw as a snarky reminder that she’s a strong independent woman, just in case you forgot.

“It’s not what you believe but how hard you believe.” - Indiana Jones has literally stood before the awesome power of God when the Ark of the Covenant was opened up by the Nazis, and they paid the price for it by having their faces melted off. Indy has drunk from the authentic cup of Christ, given to him by a knight who’s lived for centuries, that gave him eternal life and heal his father from a fatal bullet wound. So he’s figuratively seen the face of God (sure, he closed his eyes) and His holy wrath, and has witnessed the divine healing power of Christ first hand. And yet his spews out this drivel. It’s empty of any meaning and is a silly nod to our current fad that it’s all about the truth of our feelings, not observable facts or truth.

For me though the absolute worse was what they did to Indiana Jones as a character. Once the pinnacle of masculinity, a brave and daring man’s man whose zest for life was only matched by his brilliance, Henry Jones Jr. is now a broken, sad, and lonely old man. Indiana Jones is mired in the past. Not in the archaeological past, but in his own personal past. He's asleep at the wheel, losing interest in his own life. He's lost his son, he's losing his wife. He's been trying to pass on his passion, his understanding to disinterested people. They're not so interested in looking at the past. He remains a man turned towards the past, and then he finds himself confronted by Helena, who embodies the future. This nostalgia, this historical anchoring, becomes the main thread of the story.The film tries to deconstructs Indiana Jones on the cusp of retirement from academia and confronts him with a world he no longer understands. That’s an interesting premise and could have made for a great film.

It’s clear that the filmmakers’ intention was for a lost and broken Indiana to recapture his spirit by the film’s end. However, its horrible pacing and meandering and underdeveloped plot, along with Harrison Ford’s miserably sad demeanour in nearly every scene, make for a deeply depressing movie with an empty and unearned resolution. 

By this I mean at the very end of the film. It’s meant to be daring and it is. There’s something giddy about appearing during the middle of siege of Syracuse by blood thirsty Romans and then coming face to face with Archimedes himself. The film seems to want to justify the legendary, exceptional aura and character of Indy himself by including him in History. Hitherto wounded deep down inside, and now also physically wounded, Indy the archaeologist tells Helena that he wants to stay here and be part of history. 

It's a lovely and even moving moment, and you wonder if the film isn't going to pull a ‘Dying Can Wait’ by having its hero die in order to strengthen its legend. But in a moment that is too brutal from a rhythmic point of view, Helena refuses, knocks out her godfather and takes him back to the waiting plane and back to 1969. The next thing Indy sees he’s woken up back in his shabby apartment in New York.

I felt cheated. I’m sure Indy did too.

After all it was his choice. But Helena robbed him of the freedom to make his own decisions. She’s the one to decide what’s best. In effect she robbed him of agency. Even if it was the wrong decision to stay back in time, it’s so important from a narrative and character arc perspective that Indy should have had his own epiphany and make the choice to come back by himself because there is something worth living for in the future present - and that was reconciling with Marion his estranged wife. But damn it, he had to come to that decision for himself, and not have someone else force it upon him. That’s why the ending feelings so unearned and why the story falls flat as a soufflé when you piss on it.

‘Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny’ feels like the type of sequel that aimed to capture the magic of its predecessors, had worthwhile intentions, and a talented cast, but it just never properly materialised. In a movie whose pedigree, both in front and behind the camera, is virtually unassailable, it’s inexcusable that this team of filmmakers couldn’t achieve greater heights. 

The film was a missed opportunity to give a proper send off to a cinematic legend. Harrison Ford proving that whatever gruff genre appeal he possessed in his heyday has aged better than Indy’s knees. He may be 80, but Ford carries the weight of the film, which, for all its gargantuan expense, feels a bit like those throwaway serials that first inspired Lucas - fun while it lasts, but wholly forgettable on exit.

I wouldn’t rate ‘Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny’ as the worst film in the franchise - that dubious honour still lies with ‘Kingdom of the Crystal Skull’.  Indeed the best I can say is that I would rate this film at the benchmark of “not quite as bad as Crystal Skull”.But it’s definitely time to retire and hang up the fedora and the bull whip.

For what’s worth I always thought the ending of ‘Last Crusade’ where Indy, his father Henry Jones Snr., and his two most faithful companions, Sallah and Marcus Brody, ride off into the sunset was the most fitting way to say goodbye to a beloved character.

Instead we have in ‘Dial of Destiny’ the very last scene which is meant to be this perfect ending: Indiana Jones in his scruffy pyjamas and his shabby apartment. Sure, the exchange between a reconciling Indy and Marion is sincere and touching. But that only works because it explicitly recalls ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’. That's what Nietzsche would call “an eternal return”.

I shall eternally return to watch the first three movies to delight in the adventures of the swashbuckling archaeologist with the fedora and a bull whip. The last two dire films will be thrown into the black abyss. Something even Nietzsche would have approved of.

Thanks for your question.

[formulauno98]

Once Upon a Time in Austria | Chapter Seven

Sneaking around can be fun. Until your arch rival threatens to spill the beans, live on air.

Word Count: 10.8k

Warnings: Unprotected sex (wrap it before you tap it guys and girls) 🌶

Author’s Notes: Disclaimer, purely fiction, no-one is married in this alt-universe.

THURSDAY PM

Having flown into Vienna that morning for sponsorship meetings and now barrelling along the autobahn towards Spielberg at 300kph, you couldn’t help but feel excited for the impending Austrian Grand Prix. You’d sat it out last year as you’d had media commitments in London and had had a strong case of FOMO when the team returned home with tales of their weekends. From what you’d heard it had been a weekend of debauched celebrations, something that seemed to bond the team like nothing else.

A week had passed since Silverstone and again you’d hardly seen Toto. He’d left almost immediately after Silverstone for his place in Vienna, in a bid to spend some rare time with his children in their hometown. Although you were disappointed that you hadn’t yet made it to your official second date you were pleased that he finally had some downtime. He was stressed and as far as you knew, hadn’t taken a down day since the beginning of the season.

He’d continued texting you every day, sweet morning and goodnight messages that surprised you every time. He was good at separating business from pleasure and had continued to channel everything business related through Lara and Sophie, something that you were thankful for. You were looking forward to seeing him on the Friday and hoping you might get to spend some time together at some point over the weekend.

Glancing out of the window, you could appreciate the beauty of the Austrian countryside. Vast expanses of rolling green hills, almost mountainous, with swathes of dark forest and pretty houses dotted around, it was picture perfect. You smiled knowing that this was Toto’s home Grand Prix, one that he always looked forward to. 

It wasn’t long before your driver pulled into the track-adjacent campground that you’d be calling home for the next three days. You’d only stayed in a motorhome once before, in Zandvoort last year, as you’d joined later in the season and the travel team hadn’t been able to secure you a hotel room. As you were new to the team they’d eased you in and tried to keep the motorhomes to a minimum but this season Toto had made it clear that he wanted you nearby, cutting down commuting time. Trackside motorhomes were normally reserved for the drivers and anyone likely to work late. The only saving grace was that you at least had your own private space. The social team and the press team had to share their respective motorhomes and you didn’t envy them and their tight bunks in the slightest.

As your car rolled through the entrance you spied plenty of familiar faces wandering around. Sometimes Formula One felt like a travelling circus and when half the paddock were camping together the feeling was amplified. Soon enough you spotted Lara and Sophie, chatting away with cups of coffee in their hands.

“Can you please stop here?” you asked Frank, your driver.

“Of course ma’am,” he said, coming to a gentle stop and jumping out to open the door for you.

“Good afternoon ladies,” you said brightly, “How are you both?”

“Good, thank you, how was Vienna?” asked Sophie with a smile, Lara nodding with a strange look on her face.

“Everything went as well as it could have,” you said, raising your eyebrow at Lara.

“Glad to hear it. Do you know where your motorhome is?” asked Sophie, seemingly oblivious to her colleague’s standoffish behaviour.

“No actually, that’s why I asked Frank to stop when I saw you both,” you explained.

“Ah no worries, I can show you.” Sophie said kindly, “It’s just a bit further down, maybe I can ask Frank to drive with your luggage?”

“Sure, that would be great thanks.” you said, continuing to look at Lara with a puzzled look as Sophie went to direct your driver, “Everything okay Lara?”

“Yes, I’m just surprised you have your own motorhome.” she said, her face like thunder, “I have to share with Sophie, Emily and Olivia. I thought you’d share with Toto.”

You shook your head, looking around to make sure no one could overhear. Thankfully Sophie was busy directing Frank, “Lara, I thought we had been over this. We are being discreet and not bringing our potential relationship into the workplace.”

“Only potential?” Lara smirked, “I thought Toto was ready to get down on one knee the way he was talking.”

You rolled your eyes, “Of course he’s not. And need I remind you that Sophie does not know so I would appreciate your discretion.”

“Of course,” she smiled, a smile that didn’t reach her eyes, “I thought you would arrive with him though, I thought you were in Vienna together.”

“You know full well he went to see his children, I had meetings. Not that it’s any of your business but I haven’t seen him for a week,” you said, annoyed that Lara still hadn’t let things go.

“Interesting. Maybe it’s not that serious then,” she said, still smiling coldly.

“Give over Lara,” you said exasperated as Sophie made her way back over. “All good Sophie?”

“Yes, he said he’ll drive us down.” Sophie replied with a smile, “Shall we go now?”

“Sure, I was just saying goodbye to Lara,” you said, shooting her a death stare as you made your way back towards the car with Sophie in tow.

“See you later,” said Lara, in a tone that suggested she hoped she didn’t.

“Indeed,” you said, dipping into the car.

As Sophie slid in beside you, she closed the door behind you and turned your way, “What’s up with you and Lara?”

Not surprised that Sophie had clocked your hostility, you sighed as you thought about what to say, “It’s a long story but she’s not happy with Toto and me because we scheduled some meetings without her knowing.”

“Oh, I see,” said Sophie, “I know this is going to sound weird but I think she’s jealous of you.”

Your head whipped around, “What do you mean?”

Sophie looked down and fiddled with her hands, “Look, please don’t say anything to her but she keeps making remarks about how much time you spend with Toto. She said you were in Vienna together.”

Trying not to betray your anger, you replied, “Thank you, Sophie, that’s interesting. I wonder why she thought that?”

Sophie looked very awkward, “I think she thinks something is going on with you two.”

Laughing it off, you replied, “Me and Toto. Sheesh no.”

Sophie smiled, “That’s what I said. He’s literally old enough to be your Dad and grumpy all the time. Honestly, though, I think Lara fancies him or something, she’s way too involved in his life.”

You laughed, relieved that Sophie found the idea of you and Toto too absurd to comprehend, “Perhaps, Stockholm syndrome?”

Sophie giggled before leaning forward to talk to the driver, “Frank, it’s just here.”

You’d reached your motorhome, a silver monstrosity penned in by a larger white one. Getting out of the car you took it in, turning to Sophie, “It’s not exactly the W is it?” You gestured at the neighbouring white motorhome, “Is this where you’re staying?”

“They’re okay inside!” she said chirpily. “Ours is in the next street down, next to the mechanics. You’re neighbours with Toto.”

You shook your head, “For fucks sake, of course I am.”

Sophie laughed, “I knew it, I told Lara you’d be pissed. C’mon, let me show you around.”

As you followed Sophie up the stairs into your motorhome you were pleasantly surprised. This was much nicer than the one you’d stayed in at Zandvoort, it had a small kitchenette area, a large ivory l-shaped sofa and a decent amount of floor space. 

“See, it’s nice!” said Sophie.

“I will admit, it’s actually okay.” you said, glancing around, “Where’s the bathroom?”

“So, that’s the only thing, your bathroom is pretty small.” Sophie led you to a narrow door and opened it to reveal an incredibly tiny shower, toilet and sink situation. “We have a tub, so if you do want a bath, please don’t hesitate to come over to ours.”

“That’s very kind, let’s see how the weekend goes.” you said, “It’s not that bad to be fair.”

“I figured you’d say that,” said Sophie, closing the door and leading you through into what was a sizable bedroom. “And here’s your bedroom.”

“Ok, this is actually nice,” you admitted begrudgingly, taking in the large bed, full of plump scatter cushions and large TV mounted on the wall opposite.

“For sure!” said Sophie, “We have bunk beds!”

“Oof, okay you win.” you said laughing, “I’m sure it will be fine, Emily and Olivia are nice girls.”

Sophie laughed as she made her way back into the living area where Frank had kindly dropped your luggage, “But not Lara?”

Following her out you raised your eyebrows at your assistant, “She’s fine. Like I said before, just be careful.”

“Don’t worry, since you told me that, I always am,” said Sophie, “I’m going to get going as I need to sort out some things with Tom in the hospitality area. Is there anything else you need before I go?”

“No that’s fine, thank you, Sophie,” you smiled, closing the door after her.

FRIDAY AM

Having had an early night you woke up early on Friday morning to your phone ringing. Wiping the sleep from your eyes you glanced down to see who was ringing you at such an unsociable hour. Squinting to read the screen in the darkness, you saw that it was none other than Toto.

Sitting up in bed you picked up, “Good morning, you do realise it’s six-fifteen right?”

“I know, but I wanted to see you.” came the familiar deep voice from the other end of the phone, “Look outside.”

Not sure what to expect, you got up, stretching widely as you put on your robe and padded out towards the living area. Glancing through the window you were met with the view of a smiling Toto, standing outside with a brown paper bag and a tray of hot drinks.

“Damn, this weird guy is standing outside,” you said down the phone, smirking at him through the glass.

“But what if I told you the weird guy had Kaiserschmarrn?” said Toto, smirking right back at you.

“Is that some kind of condition? Maybe he should get that checked out,” you said, opening the door and hanging up your phone.

“You are so mean all the time,” he said, laughing away.

“Only because I like you,” you said, bounding down the steps towards him, a wide smile on your face.

You made it as far as the bottom step before Toto stepped forward and planted a gentle kiss on your lips. The step made you nose to nose with him and for once you didn’t feel the height difference.

“Would you like to come in?” you asked, gesturing towards your motorhome, “I didn’t think you were going to be here until later.”

Toto followed you up the steps, “I thought you’d never ask. I woke up early and thought to myself, I know what? I’ll bring Y/N breakfast. So I drove and picked it up on the way in.”

You beamed at him, “But it’s a two-hour drive! You woke up at four just to bring me breakfast?” You were bowled over, no one had ever thought to do anything like that for you.

“Well I know it’s your first time here and I wanted to make it good,” he said, putting the bag and drinks down on the table in front of your sofa.

“You are ridiculous. Thank you so much, so far Austria is a joy, ” you said, throwing your arms around his neck and pulling him down into another kiss before adding, “Since it’s early, do you want to have breakfast in bed?”

His hands finding your lower back, his eyes lit up at your suggestion, “You read my mind, originally I wanted to bring it to you in bed but didn’t want to scare you.”

You laughed, “That’s very considerate, I probably would have had a heart attack.”

“Well we can’t have that, can we?” he said, starting to unpack the bag, “Go back to bed, I’ll bring it to you.”

“Are you sure?” you said, wrapping your arms around his waist from behind and playing with the hem of his hoodie, “Surely it should be the other way around.”

“I insist,” he said, spinning around to face you before adding with a smirk, “Nice robe by the way.”

Looking down you realised that in your haste to greet Toto, your robe had come loose, offering Toto a full view of your naked breasts. You smirked, pulling on the tie suggestively before tightening it back up, “Maybe after the Kaisershawarma I can say good morning properly.”

Toto’s eyes lit up, “Well if you insist. Although we need to work on your German.”

“What’s wrong with my German?” you asked.

“It’s Kaiserschmarrn, not shawarma,” he said with a grin.

“Kaiserschmarrn?” you repeated back to him with an eyebrow raised.

“Yes Kaiserschmarrn.”

“What is it?” you asked, never having heard of it in your life.

“You’ll see.” he said, “Go back to bed, it’s going to get cold.”

— — —

It emerged that Kaiserschmarrn was in fact a kind of Austrian scrambled pancake breakfast delicacy, nothing like anything you’d ever tried but very tasty nonetheless. In his quest to bring you breakfast, Toto had gone to the hospitality area and called first dibs on whatever they were cooking. You couldn’t help but laugh at the thought of him turning up at the crack of dawn and hassling the likely bemused catering staff. Toto already had a reputation for being fussy amongst the Mercedes kitchen and you knew they would have been cursing about his request.

After finishing your surprise breakfast, spent chatting away about Toto’s family time in Vienna, you’d dropped back off to sleep in Toto’s arms, the two of you snoozing contently on top of the bed covers until your alarm went off at seven-thirty. As you scrambled to find your phone and shut the alarm off you woke Toto, who looked at you sleepily before reaching his arm out to pull you back into his chest. 

“Morning,” he said sleepily, kissing you on the top of your head as you snuggled into his hoodie-clad chest.

“Good morning,” you said, stretching up to kiss him softly. “Sleep well?”

“Yes, until that beeping woke me up.” he chuckled, “I should probably head off before people start waking up and seeing me come out of your motorhome.”

You sighed, “Yes, you know Lara is still grilling me. She’s even started dropping hints to Sophie.”

Toto’s smile dropped, “Seriously? I will talk to her again. She is way out of line.”

You nodded in agreement, glad that Toto had finally seen Lara’s true colours, “To be honest, yes. Although Sophie doesn’t suspect a thing, so we’re good on that front.”

Toto smiled, “That’s because you are far too beautiful for a guy like me. No one would ever believe it.”

You laughed, “Wow, and I haven’t even thanked you for breakfast, you’re too smooth.” You planted a kiss on his neck, your hands exploring his gym-honed torso underneath his hoodie. “I think it might be the other way around somehow.”

“Bullshit,” said Toto, now wide awake, his hand stroking up and down your bare thigh as you wrapped a leg around him and carried on kissing the crook of his neck. 

“You know you’re hot, don’t give me that false modesty,” you said, your hands making their way lower towards the waistband of his shorts.

“Hmm, how about you tell me?” he smirked, his hands reaching further up your bare thighs, stopping where your underwear would normally be, “You’re not wearing anything underneath this? Fuck me.”

You laughed, “Of course not, it was hot so I slept naked and just grabbed this when you appeared outside.”

At that Toto growled, pulling you up to straddle him completely, his growing bulge bumping up against you on the way. You ground back down onto his lap as your lips met, this time in a deep kiss, hands wandering up and down. Breaking the kiss, you sat back up, bouncing up and down as you untied your robe. You smirked as Toto’s eyes lit up at the view that he now had. 

“Now you have way too many clothes on,” you said, grabbing the hem of Toto’s hoodie and t-shirt, divesting him of both in one swoop. Scooching down, you kissed along his neck, his collarbone, all the way down to the waistband of his shorts. Raising your head and smirking back up at him, you pulled down his shorts, letting his hard cock spring free. You paused for a moment to admire it, as the first time you’d been together you had been impatient and hadn’t seen it in its full glory. In the light of day, you could now confirm that he was well and truly in proportion with his six-foot-five height.

Cupping his balls with one hand and gripping his shaft with the other, you kissed the tip gently before licking all the way down to the base, eliciting a low groan from Toto.

“Fuck Y/N that feels good,” he said, closing his eyes in pleasure as you took him in your mouth, struggling to fit him in, swirling your tongue around before starting to bob up and down, arching your back so that he had a good view of your ass as you did so, soon finding a rhythm that seemed to be what he needed.

“Fuck, if you do that for much longer I’m not going to last long,” he said, his hands gripping the sheets for dear life.

Taking a break from sucking you looked up at him with a wink, “That’s the point.”

“But I want you to enjoy yourself too,” he said, pulling you back up to chest level, his hands making their way down to your now dripping-wet pussy. “You’re so wet, it seems a waste.”

Trying to stay rational you cast your mind back to what happened last time with the condom debacle. You’d not been prepared and had been reckless enough to suggest going without. Although you cared for Toto this was new and you silently cursed yourself for not thinking ahead and bringing condoms.

Seemingly reading your mind Toto looked up at you concerned, “Fuck, I didn’t bring condoms either. But there is no one else if that’s what you’re thinking. I’m hoping it’s the same for you?”

Surprised his mind had gone there so quickly you looked down at him, “Of course there’s no one else. How did you know that’s what I was thinking?”

“I can read you like a book Y/N,” said Toto, his hands absentmindedly caressing the tops of your thighs, “I know this is not the best time to discuss this but are you on any birth control?”

Slightly embarrassed, you replied, “No, not at the moment. This all happened really fast, I haven’t had a chance to go to the doctor.” It was the truth, since you’d broken things off with your fiancé at the beginning of the previous year you hadn’t bothered so the fact that you were having this conversation whilst on top of Toto naked was a fact that amused you greatly. 

“I can be careful,” he said with a grin.

“Are you sure?” you asked gingerly. “If we’re going to be doing this more often I’ll get back on the pill.”

“No, we can figure something out. Maybe there’s something I can do instead.” Toto said kindly, stroking your hip, “For now, what do you say?”

Your brain saying no but your heart saying yes you decided to follow the latter, “Why not?”

Toto smiled as he pulled you down into another kiss before rolling you both over so that he was now on top. Gazing down into your eyes his dimpled grin made you melt before he once again caught your lips with his. Propping himself up on one arm, his other hand made its way back down to your clit, drawing slow circles that you knew would finish you off in no time at all.

“I’m glad you said that, I’ve been wanting to fuck you again for weeks.” He breathed heavily as he slipped a finger into you, pumping in and out gently.

You broke into a wide smile, reaching up to caress his face, “Me too.”

In contrast to the tangled frenzy that you had found yourselves in in Montreal, this time Toto took his time, his ministrations almost taking you to the edge with his fingers alone. By the time he settled in between your legs, lining up his cock and pushing into you gently, you were dripping wet. Your breath hitched in unison as he pressed his hips against yours, easing in and making sure you had time to adjust to his size.

“Mmm.” you said, “That feels amazing,” You felt stretched but in a good way and wanted nothing more than for him to plunge deeper.

“Fuck yes. You are so tight,” he said, looking down at you tenderly, “Let me know if it hurts, I don’t want to hurt you.”

You smiled at him, widening your legs slightly before wrapping them around his back, your heels touching, “I’m sure I’ll survive.”

“Well if you’re sure,” he said, a glint in his eye as he pushed in, filling you entirely. 

“Fuck,” you exclaimed, clutching his shoulders for dear life, “Fuck yes that’s good.”

Leaning down to kiss you, he pulled out and just as you were starting to feel empty, pushed back in, making you moan once more. Not breaking the kiss, he began thrusting in and out gently, your hips lifting to meet his. Just as you had found a rhythm and were starting to lose yourself in the moment, you were rudely interrupted by a knock on your motorhome door.

“Shit.” you said, reaching out your hand to Toto’s chest to slow him down.

“If we ignore it, they'll go away,” said Toto, stilling.

“Hmm, be quiet, I’ll just say I was in the shower or something. I’m sure it’s just Sophie,” you said, very much aware that Toto’s cock was throbbing inside you.

“Good idea,” he said, dipping his head to kiss your neck before starting to move again, drawing out and pushing back into you at a tantalisingly slow pace.

Unfortunately whoever was knocking was persistent and they knocked once more. Toto smirked, continuing his shallow thrusts, one arm bringing your leg up to his shoulder, deepening every sensation.

“Fuck, do that again,” you breathed heavily as you knew you were almost there. Full to the brim and starting to flutter around Toto’s cock, you heard the door opening, footsteps and a voice.

“Y/N,” it called out. As you had suspected it was Sophie, but what had compelled her to enter your motorhome uninvited you had no clue.

Toto’s eyes widened in horror and he slipped out of you rolling over, leaving you feeling empty.

“Sophie?” you called back in reply, panicking as much as Toto was, scrambling with the covers to hide the man in your bed.

“I’m just dropping off your dry-cleaning. Lara sent me, sorry if I woke you.” she replied from the depths of the living area, “Shall I leave it here or bring it through.”

Now tucked up to his neck in duvet, you could see the horror on Toto’s face change to pure amusement out of the corner of your eye.  Glaring at him, you replied, “Oh no that’s fine. Thank you, Sophie, you can leave it there. I’ll see you at the track.”

“No problem, see you later,” she said. Holding your breath until you heard the door close you turned to Toto, “Shit.”

“What’s wrong?” he asked, reaching an arm out to bring you back towards him.

“Your shoes,” you said, nervously.

“What do you mean, my shoes?” asked Toto with an eyebrow raise.

“Your shoes are next to the door.”

“Oh.” Toto’s face dropped.

“Oh indeed,” you said, “She’s not stupid that girl, she will have noticed. The fact that they’re about ten sizes bigger than mine is not a hard clue to miss. Why on earth did she think it acceptable to come in here? She would never do that with a hotel room, it’s inappropriate.”

Toto shrugged, “She said Lara sent her.” 

“Bizarre.” you said, “I’m going to talk to her. It’s not cool.”

“Don’t panic,” said Toto, much more calmly than you felt.

“Easy for you to say,” you said, “She has well and truly killed the mood.”

“It’s okay, I was being reckless,” said Toto, kissing you on the forehead before tilting your face up towards his. “You have no idea how hard it is to not lose control around you.”

You quirked an eyebrow, “Oh really?”

Toto smiled, leaning down to kiss you once more then bringing you closer to his chest. “Let’s try and see each other properly this weekend.”

“I’d like that.” you smiled.

“Me too.” he said, “I don’t want to but I need to go and shower and change, it’s already eight.”

“Oh, where did the time go?” you said, sitting up in bed, shivering slightly at the chill in the air as Toto had been keeping you warm.

“You distracted me,” he replied with a smile, rolling up to sit on the edge of the bed. “Here,” he said, passing you his hoodie, “You look freezing.”

You grinned at him, “No, don’t be silly, you need it!”

“Nonsense,” he said, having slipped on his shorts, he walked around to your side of the bed, “Arms up.”

“You are so not doing this.” you shook your head before sighing and lifting your arms up for Toto to unceremoniously dump his hoodie over your head.

“The perfect fit,” he said, leaning down to press a kiss to your forehead.

“You know that now you are never getting this back right?” you said with a grin.

“Well, I’m hedging my bets. Last time I lent you clothes it turned out quite well, no?” he said as he put on his t-shirt, offering you one last glimpse of his rippling body.

“True,” you said, getting up and letting the large hoodie fall over your body, making Toto chuckle.

“I take it back, it looks a little small,” he said with a laugh, wrapping his arm around your shoulders.

It was true, once again Toto’s clothes were comically large on you, accentuating the height difference. You shrugged, “Maybe I’ll grow into it.”

“Maybe,” Toto replied with a smirk as he scooped you up into his arms, carrying your bridal style out of the bedroom.

“Hey!!” you said, wriggling playfully in his arms, “That is not fair.”

“You’re so small. I had to,” he said, placing you down daintily on the carpet. 

“Maybe you’re just a giant,” you said, crossing your arms and looking up at him.

“Perhaps,” he said with a wink, slipping on his shoes and bending down to kiss you goodbye.

“Thank you again for breakfast, that was really sweet of you,” you said warmly.

“It was the least I could do, I’m sorry I didn’t see you last week.” he said, “I really wanted to.”

“It’s fine, your children come first Toto. We have all the time in the world,” you said.

“Thank you, I hope so,” he said, gingerly opening the door to make the dash across to his motorhome, glancing around to check that the coast was clear.

“All good?” you said.

“Yep, see you later,” he said, hot-footing it across the small lawn to his door, making you laugh as he scrambled with his keys to open the door.

Closing the door behind you, you sighed. Trust Sophie to ruin what was unfolding to be a wonderful morning. You resolved that you would have to talk to her about boundaries as it was hardly professional to be bursting into colleagues’ rooms at the crack of dawn. Especially when you were sure that Lara had put her up to it purely to mess with you. Every time you thought you had turned a corner with Toto’s EA, you seemed to go three steps backwards.

— — —

As you wandered into the team hospitality area a little over an hour later you spotted several familiar faces grabbing breakfast. Joining the queue for coffee, Rosie caught your eye and waved for you to join her at the small table she was sitting alone at. After a short wait, you grabbed your coffee and made your way over to her.

“Morning,” you said, settling down opposite her.

“Good morning,” she said, far too chirpily in your opinion, “Sleep well?”

“Yes thanks, how about you?” you asked.

Rosie laughed, “So don’t get mad but I snuck out of the hotel last night and came back here and stayed in George’s motorhome.”

“Rosie!” you exclaimed, “You’re going to distract him!”

Rosie shifted guiltily in her seat, “Well, we decided it was better to spend some time together last night instead of tonight or Saturday.”

You softened your gaze, “I suppose that makes sense. I’d rather you than me though, I’d choose the hotel over the motorhome any day.”

“Really? She asked, before adding in a teasing tone, “Even when your motorhome is immediately next to your lover’s?”

“Rosie!” you hissed under your breath, “I haven’t even told you what happened at Silverstone.”

The young woman’s eyes lit up, “Oooh what happened?”

“Calm down, it’s nothing salacious,” you said, keeping your voice low, not wanting to be overheard. “Basically you know how bad quali was? Toto was in a foul mood afterwards so I was chatting to him in his office and trying to cheer him up and Lara walked in on us.”

Rosie’s eyes widened, “How exactly were you trying to cheer him up?”

“Nothing that bad, but she walked in just as I had kissed him.”

“For real?” she said, leaning forward, “What did she say?”

“She accused me of sleeping my way to the top. I thought Toto was going to fire her on the spot.”

“She didn’t!? That bitch!” Rosie exclaimed, raising her voice.

“Shhh it’s fine.” you leant in closer, “ She ended up apologising and brought me a hot chocolate as a peace offering but the thing is yesterday she made more comments and then this morning sent Sophie to my motorhome at eight o’clock to drop off dry cleaning.”

Rosie raised an eyebrow, “She is so weird! Why is she trying to manage Sophie? I guess it’s helpful to have your dry cleaning though.”

“Well yes…” you started.

“Oh my god, was Toto in your motorhome?” Rosie was quick to ascertain what had happened.

“Kinda,” you said shiftily.

“Oh my god, what happened?” 

“Nothing bad but he came over to bring me breakfast and then we went back to bed for a lie-in. So we were in bed when she came in.”

“In bed sleeping?” said Rosie, not one to miss a trick.

“We were awake.” you said shortly, “And no I am not giving you the gory details.”

“Shit, do you think she realised? Did she see boss?”

“No she didn’t see him, but he’d left his shoes by the door.”

“Shit.” said Rosie, “Maybe she didn’t realise, we all have matching shoes after all.”

“Rosie, I am a size 36, he is a 47. If she doesn’t figure it out I might actually be insulted.”

Rosie laughed, “Well she might not realise that it was Toto. She might think they’re someone else's.”

“Jesus.” you said, “I am going to have a word with her.”

“What are you going to say though? I am a size 36 but sometimes I like to wear my shoes oversized?”

“So funny.” you replied dryly, “No, I need to figure out an alibi as to why Toto would have left his shoes in my motorhome but maybe I’ll say he went for a run or something.”

“Hmm not convincing,.” Rosie said, “You could say that Lara left them there for him?”

“Lara sent her though, she’ll know she didn’t.”

“Hmm, you could say you brought them to him as he’d left them somewhere at Silverstone?”

“In what context would he have taken his shoes off at Silverstone?”

“I don’t know when he changed out of his uniform after the race?”

You made a face, “Maybe I will just not acknowledge it? It’s more suspicious if I make an elaborate story?”

Rosie studied your face carefully, “I’ve never seen you like this, it’s kind of unnerving. You always know what to do.”

“Not always,” you said, grimacing as you saw Lara and Sophie entering the hospitality area, Lara immediately locking eyes with you, a strange expression on her face.

“We’ll be busy today anyway, I’m sure it will be the last thing on her mind,” said Rosie reassuringly, turning around to stare back.

— — —

Luckily for you, Rosie was correct in her estimations and the rest of Friday kept you all on your toes. Between press junkets, a sponsor event and a few content shoots you had barely sat down all day. By the time Free Practice came around you were practically ready to go to bed but fortunately espressos were on hand to keep you going.

Settling down in the hospitality area you kept one eye on the big screen showing Free Practice whilst sifting through the rushes of the content videos your team had filmed. You’d convinced Lewis and George to film several Tiktok videos and you had to smile at the goofy things Louis and Ben had them doing. Louis had also asked Toto to participate but he hadn’t been able to due to a rush of media requests from local outlets. You were ashamed to admit but you had totally underestimated his popularity in his home nation, with requests for time with Toto double what they normally were.

“Hey Y/N.” said a voice, grabbing your attention. You looked up to see none other than Sophie making her way towards you with her laptop and a cup of coffee in hand.

“Hi,” you said smiling. You hadn’t had any one-on-one time with Sophie yet and wanted to discuss the morning’s events with her.

“How is everything? I hope you didn’t mind me coming to your motorhome this morning?” said Sophie, settling down opposite you, her tone suggesting that she knew you were off.

“I’m good, just busy. Not at all, I was surprised though, I was in bed!” you said.

“I know, I felt so bad. I wouldn’t have come in but Lara said you and Toto needed your dry cleaning for today so she gave me the spare keys and I came down. It was really weird, Toto’s car was in his space but he wasn’t in his motorhome. I left his uniform in there and then came to yours.”

Sophie was rambling, you narrowed your eyes, knowing that Lara had set you up. “Well in future, please don’t let Lara send you on her errands. She is Toto’s EA, so she should be the one dropping off his dry cleaning. And please know that I would never expect you to drop off my dry cleaning like that, I’m happy to collect it. I will have a word with her about this.”

“Oh no, please don’t.” Sophie looked panicked, “I didn’t see anything, don't worry!”

“What do you mean, you didn’t see anything?” 

Looking like she was about to cry, Sophie said with a tremble, “I saw Toto’s shoes and iPad. He was there.”

Feeling incredibly awkward you chose your words carefully, choosing to lie once again, “Oh!” you exclaimed with a laugh, “He brought me some breakfast and dumped his stuff while he went for a run.”

Sophie looked confused, “Oh.”

“Sorry, I should have said when you said he wasn’t in his motorhome.” you smiled, hoping the young woman bought your alibi.

“I did think it was strange. When I came back Lara asked where he was and I said I thought he might be with you…”

“You told Lara that?” you asked, suddenly worried about what Sophie was going to say next.

“Well, she asked me if I saw Toto and I said no, that I saw his shoes and iPad in your motorhome.”

“And what did she say?”

Sophie trembled once again, “Um. Well, she said he was probably in your bed.”

“Lara seriously needs to stop with this. Sure, it was funny for a little bit but it could get Toto into trouble if people believe her. He’s not the type to do that, surely you know this by now? And me too, do you think I would really sleep with my boss?”

“No, not at all,” said Sophie, developing a sudden interest in the carpet, not bringing her gaze up to meet yours, “I did say that to her.”

Still fuming, you tried not to take out your rage on Sophie, “Thank you, Sophie, I appreciate that.”

Sophie looked up, shyly, “I still think she fancies him.”

You nodded in agreement, “It would appear so. Right, well now that you are here, could you please download the next set of rushes from Louis’ session with George?”

“Of course,” said Sophie, opening her laptop, keen as ever to assist you.

SATURDAY PM

After a tense Friday night in the garage spent tweaking the cars, qualifying had been a huge success, with George taking P1 and Lewis just behind in P2. The atmosphere in the garage was palpable and with the cars already prepped for Sunday’s race, celebrations were well underway. Beers were flowing and music was pumping and you smiled as you took in the scene before your eyes. Most of the team had decamped for their hotel but anyone staying in a trackside motorhome was still there. George was already drunk, trying to convince Rosie to dance with him in the middle of the garage to no avail. Lewis was thanking everyone profusely and was now sitting down on the floor with one of the junior mechanics, playing with Roscoe, his ever-present pet bulldog, Louis and Ben trying to capture content for the team’s social media channels.

You smiled as Toto made his way across the garage towards you, having wrapped up his final debrief for the day. You hadn’t seen him much since Friday morning and he’d worked late on Friday night so you told him to get some rest instead of spending the night with you.

“That was good, well done,” you said, lightly tapping him on the arm, hoping it looked natural.

“Well, I did nothing. It’s a team effort,” he said diplomatically gesturing around the garage, “Have you finished for the day?”

“Shh, you know you are the glue that holds us together.” you joked, “Yes, pretty much. Louis and Ben are still here but everyone else has gone back to the hotel for drinks.”

“Do you want to go back?” Toto asked quietly, “I think we can go now?”

Glancing around to see Louis and Ben now enthusiastically dangling treats in front of Roscoe, you replied, “Sure, these guys don’t need me.”

Toto smiled at you, “Let’s go, I’ll get my bag from my office and we can walk back.”

As you made your way out of the garage and back towards the Mercedes hospitality motorhome you glanced up at Toto. 

“I spoke to Sophie by the way.”

“Oh really?” he asked.

“Yep, she clocked your shoes and iPad. Which by the way we didn’t even realise you left on the table,” you said.

“And?” asked Toto expectantly.

“I told her we’d had a breakfast meeting and you’d left them there to go for a run.”

Toto grimaced, “She bought that?”

“I’m not sure.” you admitted, “But she said Lara sent her to yours as well.”

“Ah.” Toto said, a look of realisation dawning on his face, “All my laundry was hanging in my motorhome when I went in. I assumed she put it there before. Do I need to talk to Lara again?”

“Maybe.” you said, “She told Sophie you were probably in bed with me.”

“Scheiße,” Toto exclaimed. You cringed as you knew that whenever he swapped to his native language he was pissed. “She is so out of order.”

“I know,” you said as you reached the hospitality motorhome. “I’ll wait down here.”

“Sure.” Toto said, looking pissed off at the latest Lara revelation, “if she is upstairs I am telling her to pack her bags tonight.”

“Don’t do anything rash, she is your EA. Without her, you’d last about a day.”

Toto turned to you, livid, “Are you suggesting I am a child who needs help?”

Surprised that he was taking out his anger on you, you replied coolly, “No, not at all. Just that you have a ridiculous schedule that needs someone keeping an eye.”

“Fine.” said Toto flatly, obviously not happy with your insinuations, “I’ll be a minute.”

“Great,” you said, annoyed that he had taken your comments to heart. It was well known in the paddock that Toto had a temper but you very rarely were on the receiving end of it. There had been one incident last year when you’d forgotten to inform him that Netflix was going to follow him for the morning but even then he’d grumbled for half a day and then let it go. 

You scrolled on your phone as you waited, pleased to see that Louis and Ben were asking for your thoughts on some lovely content of Lewis and George celebrating that they had managed to capture. Happy to approve it for posting, you gave them the green light and told them to have fun, knowing that the social team were always the last to be able to let loose.

It wasn’t long before you heard footsteps coming back down the stairs. Toto had returned with his bag.

“All good?” you asked, trying to forget the way he had just snapped at you.

“Yes thank you.” he replied starchily, “Shall we go?”

Putting your phone away you made your way back out into the now empty paddock, as usual struggling to keep up with Toto’s strides.

“I’m sorry Y/N,” he said, slowing and turning to you.

“Huh?” you asked.

“For getting angry about what you just said.”

“Oh.”

“I hate it when people think I’m some rich guy who can’t function as a normal human being.”

Taken aback by his statement, you looked at him softly, “No one thinks that.”

“Trust me, they do,” he said, rather forlornly.

“Well, I don’t.”

“I know you don’t”

“Then why did you snap?”

Toto sighed, “I don’t know.”

“You don’t know?”

“You’ve known me long enough to know that sometimes I just lose it. I try not to.”

You smiled at him, checking no one was around before slipping your small hand around his and squeezing gently, “It’s good to vent. It’s healthy.”

“You’re sweet.” he said, squeezing your hand back, “Why you put up with me I don’t know.”

Laughing you shook your hand free and slid it behind him, cheekily grabbing his ass, “I have my reasons.”

“My ass?” Toto asked.

“Amongst other things,” you replied, theatrically looking him up and down.

“You’re crazy,” said Toto.

“Maybe.” you laughed, patting him once more on the ass.

“Come here,” said Toto fondly, stopping in his tracks, reaching out and lifting your face to his, kissing you passionately. “I’ve been wanting to do that all day.”

Running your hand through his thick, dark hair, you returned the kiss, this time deeper and more fervent. 

“Well fuck me!” exclaimed a voice out of the darkness, followed by a wolf whistle “Woo Woo!”. A voice that sounded both familiar yet not one you immediately recognised.

Jumping apart you turned to see who had caught you, Toto’s sworn enemy, Red Bull Team Principal, Christian Horner.

“Hello Christian,” said Toto, his voice dripping with venom.

“Hello Toto, dipping your pen into company ink I see?” Christian strolled nearer to where you both stood. Leering at you he added, “I’m sorry I’ve seen you around but I don’t know your name.”

“Christian.” said Toto as he shifted in front of you protectively, “I don’t see what business this is of yours.”

“It’s none of my business.” said the shorter man confidently, “Just an observation.”

“Well, you can keep your observations to yourself.”

“Right.” said Christian, folding his arms and turning to address you once more, “I see how this is. If you want my advice, lovely lady, run.”

“What, away from you?” you piped up, making Toto chuckle.

“Ah I take it back, you’re well suited. I thought Toto was punching but your personalities seem matched.” Christian replied with a smirk. 

“Christian,” said Toto, getting riled up once more.

“Well, I will leave you two lovebirds to it. I’ll keep an eye out for a bouncing motorhome, I’m sure you’ll be celebrating your team’s positions with some… positions of your own,” he replied, making an obscene gesture with his hands.

“Fuck off,” said Toto, his anger flaring.

“Good evening, nice to meet you too, lovely lady,” said Christian, hurrying past you both, shaking his head.

Turning to Toto you shook your head, “What is his problem?”

“Short man syndrome,” said Toto, “I’ll talk to him tomorrow. I don’t want him to make any remarks.”

“Thank you,” you said, making sure you were now walking a respectable distance apart from Toto.

It wasn’t long before you made it back to your motorhomes, now freezing thanks to the stiff wind that had picked up. 

“Do you want to come to mine?” asked Toto, “You can have a bath to warm up.”

Your eyes lit up, “Oh my gosh, yes. But only if you join me.”

Toto laughed, “If we both fit.”

SUNDAY AM

You woke up early the next morning having slept wonderfully. Your romantic bubble bath idea had turned out to be a complete disaster with Toto being too broad-shouldered to fit comfortably in the small tub. He’d sat behind you but managed to get you both wedged in the tub, much laughter ensuing as you tried to slip and slide your way out. Thankfully the bath did at least fit its original purpose of warming you up and by the time you’d escaped the sudsy prison, you were no longer shivering.

Having procured a box of condoms from one of the race engineers (Lord knows what he said to justify it), Toto had then taken his time to make up for Friday morning’s coitus interruptus and had gone to town several times, making you cum over and over again before you’d slipped into a deep sleep tucked up in his bed, nestled cosily up against his muscular chest as he spooned you from behind.

As the light of day crept in through the curtains you woke up feeling more relaxed than ever. “Mmm,” you sighed as you felt his hard cock pressing up against your back. Not sure when you would next get this opportunity as Toto was leaving for Monaco for the next two weeks you decided to make the most of it and pushed your ass up against his hips, hoping he’d get the memo.

“Good morning to you too,” said Toto, kissing you on the shoulder from behind.

“Last night was fun,” you said, continuing to grind into Toto.

“Indeed.” said Toto, “You drive me crazy you know.”

“Ditto,” you said, “I wish we could stay in bed all day.”

“Me too,” sighed Toto, “Next week we can.”

“Next week?”

“Well, since you are coming to Monaco next week for the Drive to Survive filming, would you like to stay with me?”

You stopped grinding your hips and whipped around to face Toto, “Stay with you? At your place?”

“Yes,” said Toto, suddenly looking nervous, “If you’d rather stay in the hotel it’s fine. It was just an idea I had. Sorry if it’s too forward.”

“Toto, you spent most of last night inside me. That’s definitely not too forward at this point,” you said laughing.

Blushing furiously, Toto asked, “So is that a yes?”

“Yes!” you said, leaning up to kiss his neck, “I’m intrigued to see your place. You’ve seen mine.”

Toto looked a little embarrassed, “I don’t spend so much time there, it’s pretty boring. Maybe you can help me make it nicer?”

“I doubt it, but I can return the favour and build you some shelves if that’s what you’re getting at? You can live out the sexy builder fantasy.”

“If you wear your denim shorts yes,” said Toto, kissing you just behind the ear.

“What denim shorts?” you asked, having no clue what he was on about.

“The denim shorts you wore in Brazil last year when we went out for team drinks.”

“Damn, you were down bad even then?” you laughed. “They’re just old Levis, nothing special.”

“Everyone was staring, your ass looked unreal. All I wanted to do was take you home with me.”

“Sometimes I think I know everything about you and then sometimes you surprise me. I didn’t know you were a fan of Daisy Dukes.”

“Y/N, every red-blooded man is a fan of Daisy Dukes. Especially when they’re on you,” he said in a low voice, grinding his cock up against your ass.

“Noted.” you said, “What else would you want me to wear?”

“Honestly, I love you most in jeans and a white vest. It’s hot.”

Silence filled the air, did Toto just say he loved you? You were floored. Maybe it was a Freudian slip.

“Well then, I know what I’ll be wearing next week,” you said, not sure what else to say to that. “Make sure you wear your navy button-down.”

“You like my navy shirt?”

“Duh.” you said with a smile, “Last year when you wore it in Mexico. I wanted to tear it off you all weekend.”

“You were checking me out in Mexico?”

“You were checking me out in Brazil.”

“I guess we’re even then. Why did we waste so much time?”

You sighed, “Because if anyone finds out about us, I will lose my job, likely never work in this industry again and everyone will think you’re a perv who sleeps with his employees.”

“I don’t know. I’m not going to do this job forever you know.”

Once more you wiggled around to face Toto, “What do you mean? You’re thinking of giving it up?”

Toto smiled wryly, “In some ways yes. I love it but there is more to life. I would like to do something else before I’m too old.”

“Is this where you’re going to tell me you want to move off the grid and live on an island as a coconut farmer?”

“How did you know?” he said, feigning surprise, “No, just something different. This circus gets repetitive year in, year out. I want a new challenge.”

“Interesting.” you said, “Well please give me some kind of warning when this happens, I’d miss having you around.”

“I’m glad to hear that.” Toto smiled, “But whatever I do, I’d quite like you to come with me.”

“Hm, you’ll have to speak to my agent,” you said with a wink, batting him on the chest.

“Always talking business, you’re ridiculous,” said Toto, drawing your leg up to wrap around his waist. 

“I’ve learnt from the best,” you grinned, running your hand along his jawline. 

SUNDAY PM

It seemed as if Mercedes were well and truly back into the championship race as George crossed the chequered flag at P1 with Lewis close behind him at P2. It was an emotional day for the young British driver as it was only his second Grand Prix win and you couldn’t help but get misty-eyed as you saw him celebrating alongside Lewis on the podium. You stood in the pitlane alongside Rosie and Tom, clapping enthusiastically as the British national anthem rang out.

Smiling at Rosie, who was staring up at her boyfriend in admiration, you scoured the crowd for Toto. Always standing head and shoulders above the rest (for some reason everyone in Formula One was tiny), you spotted him up at the front alongside some of the race team, looking on like a proud Dad. Media requests had come flooding in thick and fast and your phone was already buzzing with various production crews asking when they might be able to grab a word with Toto, Lewis and George.

As the confetti fell, you made your way to the front to grab Toto for his Sky interview.

“Hey.” you said with a smile, grabbing his elbow, “Sky are calling.”

“No problem,” he said kindly.

Bidding farewell to the engineers, Toto happily followed you through the throng, through the garage and back into the paddock where the Sky team were waiting.

“That was a good one,” you said, smiling up at the tall Austrian.

“Maybe James Hunt was right,” he replied with a smirk.

“What do you mean?” you asked, looking at him quizzically.

“He had his slogan, Sex, breakfast of champions.” he chuckled, “Today was good on many counts.”

“Dear Lord.” you groaned, smacking him on the arm lightly,, “It’s not 1972 Toto.”

Opening his mouth to reply, Toto’s smile dropped as you approached the plinth where Sky would be hosting. Christian Horner was there, sat on a stool, chatting animatedly to the pundits.

“Great,” Toto muttered.

“It’s fine, you won today.” you said, “He won’t say anything with cameras around.”

“Toto.” exclaimed Christian, “And your lovely lady whose name I still don’t know.”

You raised an eyebrow at Christian’s choice of phrasing as the Sky producer miked Toto up whilst you took to your position just out of frame to record sound bites.

“Hello Christian.” said Toto impassively, stepping onto the plinth and towering above the diminutive Englishman, “Lovely to see you as always.”

“Well done for today, a brilliant drive from George,” said Christian, in a tone that suggested he was anything but pleased.

“Thank you.” said Toto flatly, “We’re getting closer with every race.”

Christian grinned, clearly ready to stir, a speciality of his, “Ah yes, it’s lovely to see that closeness within a team. You are very cosy with yours. Last night…”

“Yes, last night we celebrated in the garage,” Toto looked livid, turning towards the Sky pundits, “We had a good feeling for today and we turned out to be right.”

Johnny, one of the Sky presenters, looked slightly taken aback by Toto and Christian’s behaviour, having not allowed him to get a word in edgewise. “We love to hear that, and undoubtedly more celebrations tonight?”

Christian once again butted in, “Well I think Toto will be getting lucky,” gesturing towards where you stood off-camera.

Exchanging a look with his co-host, Johnny’s eyebrows shot up, clearly not wanting to upset Toto further. “Right, well we’ll have to see if Mercedes get lucky again in two weekends' time in France. Are you worried Christian?”

“No.” replied Christian, “Max is level-headed, he’ll keep at it. One mistake and we’ll widen the gap once again.”

“Lewis and George won’t make mistakes,” said Toto flatly, still looking furious.

“Those are fighting words Toto!” said Jenson, the other pundit, “I suppose we will have to wait and see. Now Christian’s team are furiously gesturing that he needs to go so we will say goodbye to him for now.”

“Thank you both, and a pleasure as always Toto. Have fun tonight,” said Christian, taking his microphone off and stepping off the stage. As the pundits picked back up quizzing Toto on the race, the Red Bull Team Principal made his way towards you.

“What was that?” you asked in a hushed tone, not wanting to capture your words on your sound recording.

“I’m just having fun, isn’t that what you two are doing?” he waggled his eyebrows, looking you up and down, his eyes lingering on your tight, white shirt, “Toto always has been a lucky bastard.”

You shook your head, turning off your recording, “Play nice, Christian.”

“See, now that’s not fair, you know my name and I don’t know yours.” he said, “I always see you around, bossing Toto around.”

“It’s Y/N,” you said through gritted teeth, trying your best to stay civil and remember that this was a professional working environment.

“Y/N, very exotic. Lovely to meet you.” he said, “Right well I had better head off. Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do. Although I think you already have.” he said, glancing across at Toto, who despite being engrossed in conversation with the pundits was staring daggers at his rival. “I think I ruffled his feathers.”

“Goodbye Christian,” you said, hoping he’d leave you alone.

“Goodnight Y/N,” he said, winking at Toto as he finally made a move to leave.

Sighing, you stepped back towards the plinth where Toto was now wrapping his interview. Annoyed that Christian had not only upset Toto but also prevented you from doing your job, which was to record Toto’s interview for soundbites, you were not happy.

As Toto stepped down off of the plinth, handing his microphone back to Sky, he made his way back towards you.

“What was that?” he asked, his dark eyebrows knitted together in concern, “What did he say to you?”

“Nothing bad, don’t worry, just insinuating things,” you said, shrugging as you both started walking back along the paddock. The next port of call was Sky Italia, then Sky Germany and last but not least, Formula One TV.

“I can’t believe he said what he said on TV.” said Toto, “I could see Johnny and Jenson looking at each other.”

“Ignore him, he’s an idiot. I’m sorry but I didn’t get to record like I normally do. He kept talking so I stepped away and turned off the recording as I didn’t want to get him talking shit.”

“Don’t worry, you didn’t miss much,” said Toto, looking weary, “But the last thing we need is for him to start spreading rumours.”

“Indeed,” you said, annoyed that you had let Christian rile you up so much. The irony was that you always lectured Toto about letting him get under his skin and in around two minutes he’d done the same to you. You had to give it to him, the man had a real talent for being infuriating.

Approaching where Sky Italia were hosting interviews you tried to calm down. Trying to think rationally, you knew no one cared that much about Toto’s love life. As the saying went, today’s gossip is tomorrow’s chip paper, a saying that often brought you solace as someone who oversaw the team’s press.

Toto’s remaining interviews went quickly and fortunately more smoothly than the Sky UK one. It always astounded you when you heard him switch languages so effortlessly, going from English to Italian to his native tongue of German in a matter of minutes. You weren’t fluent in Italian or German but could understand enough to know that he spoke well.

Having handed his microphone back to the Formula One TV crew, Toto made his way back towards you.

“I’m glad those are done.” he said, “But I wish you were coming with me tonight.”

You glanced at him as you both started to make your way back towards the Mercedes hospitality area, mindful of keeping a respectable distance between you.

“It’s only a week,” you said, surprised that Toto was being so sentimental.

“I know, but I want to take you on a real date. Out for dinner, no more sneaking around,” he said.

“I’d love that,” you said, trying to keep your cool whilst internally exploding with happiness at the prospect.

— — —

Toto had left not long after he’d wrapped his media appearances, rushing to drive back to the local airport to take his jet back to Monaco. He’d taken George and Lewis along with him, leaving you and Rosie to entertain yourselves for the evening ahead of your morning flight back to Brackley.

Over a glass of wine in your motorhome, you’d filled Rosie in on Christian’s comments and she grimaced as you recalled his words from the Sky interview.

“He’s so out of line. Imagine if Toto started making comments about his private life.”

“I know!” you said. A knock on the door interrupting your gossip session, “Ooh I think it’s Bella!” you said excitedly. As you had your own motorhome you’d invited a few of your colleagues over for a lowkey celebration. Sure enough, the dark-haired engineer was at your door, clutching two bottles of prosecco.

“Well hello.” she said, stepping inside, “This is fancy Y/N!”

“It’s okay I guess.” you shrugged, “I’m sure the hotel is much nicer.”

“It’s okay but this is cool,” she said, glancing around. “I brought a few bottles of bubbles by the way.” She handed you the bottles she was holding.

“Amazing, you shouldn’t have, that’s lovely!” you said as you popped them in the fridge to chill. “I’ll leave those to chill for a while, in the meantime can I get you a wine?”

“I would love some wine,” she said, settling down on the sofa beside Rosie, chatting away.

It wasn’t long before the rest of your guests arrived, Tom, your Partnerships Manager, Olivia and Emily, George and Lewis’ Press Assistants, Sophie and as much as you disliked her, Lara. You didn’t want to invite her over but guilt prevailed as you knew you couldn’t ask Sophie and not her.

As usual, Tom was the life and soul of the group, an outspoken and flamboyant member of your team, he was always full of colourful stories of trying to navigate the paddock as one of the few gay men working in Formula One. He perpetually had a crush on some rival team’s mechanic or another and it was always unrequited. You laughed along at his latest tale of his romantic woes. 

“So Y/N, any men in your life?” he asked, having grilled most of the group on their love lives.

Stealing yourself not to look at Rosie who was giggling away and Lara who had an evil look on her face, you answered somewhat unconvincingly, “No, not at the moment.”

“Hmm, I think there is someone.” said Tom, “You’re blushing!”

“Alright, yes there is someone. But it’s new and I don’t want to jinx things.”

“Ooh, does he work for one of the rival teams?” asked Tom, always relentless in the pursuit of gossip.

“Not exactly.”

“Oh my God, an FIA guy!” said Tom, “Toto will lose his shit.”

You laughed, “No, but I’m not saying.”

At that Lara decided to pipe in, “You’re not far off Tom. Think a little closer to home.”

Shooting daggers at Lara, you retorted, “Lara…”

“Ooh, do you know who it is?” Tom asked Lara expectantly.

“No.” said Lara, knowing it wasn’t worth her job to spread gossip about her boss, “I’m just messing.”

“You had me there!” said Tom.

“You know I think Toto has a new girlfriend,” chimed in Olivia. “I heard him talking to Lewis earlier.”

“Interesting,” said Tom, “Do we know who she is? Lara, you must know?”

Lara looked at you pointedly, “No, but I’m sure she’s some floozy, nothing serious.”

Annoyed on your behalf, Rosie jumped in, “That’s funny, he told me this one might be the one.”

Everyone snapped their necks around to look at Rosie curiously, Lara leading the questioning, “And why would Toto tell you that?”

‘We have our talks.” she said coyly, “He’s not so scary you know.”

“Well it helps when you’re fucking his protegée!” exclaimed Tom, taking a gulp of his prosecco.

“Tom!” you said warningly.

“We were all thinking it,” he said quietly.

Rosie smiled, “I don’t care, Tom’s right. Before I dated George I don’t know if he even knew my name. But honestly, he’s actually quite lovely when you get to know him.”

“Oooh,” said Tom, “Are you going two for two in the garage? Who’s next Lewis?”

The group laughed as they knew Rosie was not like that. Even the fact that she was dating George had come as a surprise to most. 

“Joking aside, I’m glad the old man is finally getting some. Hopefully, he’ll be less grumpy in debriefs.” Tom said before speculating, “Oh my God I bet he got some this morning, he was in a good mood, I saw him whistling whilst making coffee.”

“Tom, do you not think he might have been in a good mood because we finally got good results?” you suggested.

“True.” said Tom, now turning his attention to Bella, “So how’s married life?”

Breathing a sigh of relief as the heat was off you and Toto, you exchanged a glance with Rosie. Hiding a few nights of passion was one thing but hiding a full-blown relationship was going to be another.

[cocainegoth]

The Real Helen Hirsch and The relationship with Amon Goeth.

————————————————————————

In my opinion Helen Hirsch is a very sad historical figure in the movie, in the book, and in reality. Many people have stated that Ms. Hirsch wasn’t even a real person and was inspired by Amon Goethes second maid Helen Jonas Rozeinweig. But if you paid very close attention during the ending of the movie Schindlers List directed by Steven Spielberg in the scene where the actors were next to the actual survivor the actress who played as Ms. Helen Hirsch (Embeth Davidtz) was next to another woman who wasn’t Jonas Rozeinwig. That woman was the real Hirsch. I was confused at first on why people would deny her being false as she also appears in a documentary called Schindler: The Documentary.

If you were to search her up on Google the only thing that would pop up would be the biography of Helen Jonas Rozeinweig and her documentary called “Inheritance” that also had Monika Hertwig (aka Amon Goeths biological daughter). The truth was ultimately sad on why Hirsch only appeared a few times in the media (Full name was Helena Horowitz Hirsch). It was stated that she was being interviewed for the Schindler Documentary and it accidentally came out that she was almost raped by Goethe while horribly drunk (he was known for being a alcoholic) and had to scream out his mistresses name Majola (Ruth Irene Kalder) to save her from him. She was so worried about the public eye twisting her story and make theories or assumptions of her having to do “sexual things” with Goethe in order to escape (which was completely false) retreated from any further interviews and let Jonas do all the talking. This was also due to the interviewer being an outright disrespectful jackass who kept on rushing the poor woman whilst she told her story as Helen kept repeating “im sorry.”

In the historically accurate book Schindlers Ark by Thomas Keanally it described Hirsch as a very tiny and frail woman in her 20s who would have bruises on her face or small body. It was stated that Goethe had to bend down to beat her often. She lived in the basement next to the kitchen where Jonas also stayed she was about 16 at the time. Ms Hirsch gained the nickname “Lena” because Goethe was way too lazy to call her full name. In both the movie and book Amon Goethe had an unhealthy obsession with Hirsch and was the “tragic love” and target of his outlandish behavior. Emilie Schindler the wife of Oskar Schindler had stated that he beat her often because he was in denial that he had fallen smitten for a Jew. He was too in love with her that he only forbade Hirsch from wearing the Star of David out of embarrassment that he liked her.

Hirsch would beg Amon constantly to end her life but would refuse and make up a random excuse to keep her. Another witness account had stated that he harbored love for his maid but was too devoted to his ideals and the Nazi regime that he couldn’t come to terms with it.

It could easily be mistaken as lust but Goethe was a very mentally unstable man. He couldn’t possibly show love the proper way as he even beat his own wife and mistress. It was stated in the book that he had a very strong problem with the beating of women and would seek help from his brother officers. It also angered him that Helen didn’t feel the same way towards him causing him to beat her even more.

In the original script of the movie Amons love for Helen was written more romantically than ever. Even him admitting his love for her in the basement scene. It also features a full scene where Amon and Schindler are both playing cards and when Amon looses he lets out a cry of pain as he has to give her up. (which was removed from the movie) but the last and final scene was described after Amon lost his job from the SS and was seen wondering around Schindlers factory like a lost dog. Schindler worried for his friend invites him inside and offers him money since Goeth had practically lost everything. He declines and states that he didn’t come back for money but to see Helen again and take her back with him. Schindler obviously shocked and unprepared for his request lies to him and says that she had died. This causes Amon to spiral into depression and drink himself away.

Another thing I would like to add was that the actor himself said that one thing that would add to his beatings was that Amon couldn’t show tender affection towards her like hugging, kissing, holding since it was a crime so he would resort to beatings as a way to feel her.

In real life he would throw parties all the time in his villa and even the guests there would notice his weird behavior towards his poor maid. Some guests would even come in the kitchen (her room) and talk to her/or complain about him being an arse. Helen Hirsch has stated that he had a strong desire to take advantage of her in other ways than beat her (I think you know what I mean) and he fortunately couldn’t because she was Jewish. Often why he wanted to see her suffer an other ways because he couldn’t act out on his fantasies.

“Did Amon Goeth love Helen or was it just pure lust”

To answer that question he was in love with her but could not understand it and tried to convince himself he was not. Even finding out how numerous times he as tried to show his affection towards her physically or emotionally Helen would always turn him down causing him to feel more angered towards her. If it was purely lust Amon would have killed her when ever he had the chance.

[mikefaistinfo]

Interview: Mike Faist Isn’t Sure About This Whole Acting Thing

“I can’t tell if I hate acting or if I love it too much,” he said ahead of the debut of the Amazon series “Panic.” Coming soon, a major role in Steven Spielberg’s “West Side Story.” For now, he’s going to Ohio.

By Elisabeth Vincentelli Published May 27, 2021

Tall and lanky, looking as if he were born wearing Wranglers, Mike Faist cuts quite a striking figure in the Amazon Prime series “Panic”: His character, Dodge Mason, is a Stetson-wearing rodeo dude who breaks untamed horses, then soulfully gazes into their eyes.

That, however, is not at all how the character was written in the Lauren Oliver young adult novel that inspired the show, debuting Friday, in which Dodge and a dozen other small-town teenagers face off in a series of life-threatening challenges — think a naturalistic “Hunger Games” with more class war.

After shooting a pilot in 2018 in upstate New York (where the book is set), the production completely rebooted in Austin, Tex., a year later, and Dodge’s back story was changed to better fit the new locale. Suddenly, the school wimp who was interested in cards and magic had been turned into a Western archetype: the strong, do-right loner who doesn’t say much. Faist went with the flow.

“Ciphers can be really boring,” said Oliver, who also wrote the screenplay, “but he manages to capture the power inherent in a certain level of invisibility.”

Dodge is quite a departure for Faist, who is best known for his Tony-nominated performance as the tormented, cynical Connor Murphy in the Broadway musical “Dear Evan Hansen.” Blessed with a rangy charisma and a bone structure that appears to have been carved with a scythe, the actor, now 29, could have easily coasted in “Panic.” But his sensibility is closer to that of such atypical leading men as Adam Driver, and he modernizes a potentially boilerplate part.

“Mike really didn’t want to be a caricature, but I don’t think he ever could be,” said Jessica Sula, who plays Natalie, Dodge’s love interest in “Panic.” She recalled that when shooting resumed in Texas after a Covid-19-imposed pause, Faist chose to live in a trailer on a plot of land with his rescue dog, Austin.

“He’s just so fabulously ridiculous and wonderful,” she said of Faist, laughing fondly.

Faist’s own course has been ascendant since he dropped out of acting school at 18, and his plum role in Steven Spielberg’s highly anticipated “West Side Story” as Riff, the leader of the Jets, should put him on Hollywood’s speed dial when it debuts in December. (Shooting wrapped in September 2019.)

And yet the actor spent much of a recent conversation candidly admitting to ambivalence and incertitude. He spent some of the past year driving around the country with Austin and writing a screenplay. He has been turning down offers and is now selling his Brooklyn apartment and heading back to Ohio.

Faist was warm and laid back on a recent sunny morning in Park Slope, and he laughed a lot in what seemed to be protective self-deprecation as he pondered his future, professional and otherwise. These are edited excerpts from the conversation.

How did they spring the new Dodge on you?

It was still the same elements in terms of, “Oh, here’s the new guy,” but instead of, like, a weird magician, he’s now a … cowboy? I was like, “What do you mean, I’m now a cowboy?” They were like: “Yeah, yeah, you’ll be fine. Maybe try an accent.”

You do look pretty comfortable playing a horse whisperer.

I’d never worked with a horse in a production before. There were two of them: a very calm, gentle horse and a skittish one. We just ended up working with this skittish horse because it was actually doing stuff. The scene where the horse moves toward me was not planned or choreographed at all. They are, you know, unpredictable.

It might have been less intimidating than a sex scene. Is the one with Jessica Sula your first as an actor?

Maybe. I don’t know.

Wouldn’t you remember?

You’d think! I did do a romantic scene [onstage] in “A Month in the Country” with Taylor Schilling. I remember getting a pretty [expletive] review. [Laughs.]

Since the fall of 2018, you’ve gone back and forth between “Panic” and “West Side Story.” How did you handle these very physical projects?

For “West Side,” I found these Bruce Davidson photos of Brooklyn gangs from the late ’50s. If you look at their photos, these guys are emaciated, they have tattoos, and they look wired. Any money they had, they would pool and buy cheap wine and maybe they would have French fries or something. Then they were doing drugs. So I was like, “I need to lose some weight.” But my body was totally breaking down. Then I tried to bulk up as much as possible for “Panic” — just eating potatoes.

Did you do any kind of special training?

I started going to the Mendez boxing gym in Manhattan for “West Side.” I was working with John Rosado, who was raised in New York, Puerto Rican, badass. He was like, “I can’t believe I’m training a Jet!”

Your first big job was in the Broadway musical “Newsies,” which is quite dance heavy. Still, was it daunting to audition for “West Side Story”?

I put together a tape, and then they said, “We want you to come back in and dance.” I was like, “Is there any way you could not have me dance?” They were like: “What are you talking about? This is ‘West Side Story’!” The only saving grace is that Justin Peck [the choreographer] and I have similar body types: tall, nothing but arms and legs. They had their work cut out for them in order to get me up to snuff.

Why aren’t you in the upcoming “Dear Evan Hansen” movie alongside your former co-star Ben Platt?

I feel like I couldn’t do it. I started that when I was, like, 21, and was with it for five or six years. When you’re doing eight shows a week, it very much turns into relying on your technique and the job of it. And the show was such a zeitgeisty thing. It really took a lot out of me, and I didn’t really have it in me anymore.

With “Panic” and “West Side Story” behind you, what are you lining up?

Maybe this is so pretentious, but “West Side” was everything I had ever hoped to accomplish as an actor. It’s really crazy, but it was transcendental: either I didn’t feel like I was myself, or I was the most authentic version of myself. I can’t really tell which one. Having gone from having no money, wanting to just be a working actor — I don’t want to just be a working actor anymore. I had that experience. It [expletive] me up.

What did?

“West Side,” in the best of ways. I can’t unsee what I’ve seen. The pandemic nearly killed us and — what, I just want to be an actor? That’s ridiculous. [Laughs.] I don’t care enough. It’s a weird thing: I can’t tell if I hate acting or if I love it too much. It’s not like I don’t plan on doing it. I just don’t want to follow the trajectory of what the industry wants me to do.

Which is what?

Put on a cape and wear a mask. I need to take more agency because no one’s going to do it for me. It’s tricky, but it’s interesting and pretty exciting. I’m going to hang out with my family in Ohio and then start to figure out where I’m going to go. I would like to ultimately be of service and of use; that’s when I feel at my best.

You can find here: https://www.nytimes.com/2021/05/27/arts/television/mike-faist-panic-west-side-story.html

[claudia1829things]

"INTO THE WEST" (2005) - "Jacob Wheeler and the Awareness of Self"

"INTO THE WEST" (2005) – "JACOB WHEELER AND THE AWARENESS OF SELF"

Many people would usually consider the topic of Self Awareness when discussing New Age religions or Eastern mysticism. Characters from a Western television miniseries seems like the last thing anyone would think of when discussing the meaning of Self. Yet, a major character led me to consider this very topic, while re-watching Steven Spielberg’s 2005 miniseries about two families – Lakota and western Virginia - called "INTO THE WEST".

"Self" has been described as the essential self or the core of an individual. A person who has learned to live one’s life with a strong sense of Self is considered as someone who has achieved or come close to a level of self-actualization - namely, achieving personal growth through accepting the true core of oneself. If there is one character in "INTO THE WEST" who seemed to personify self-actualization, it was Thunder Heart Woman (Tonazin Carmelo and later Sheila Tousey), the Lakota woman who had married into the Wheeler family. I am not saying that Thunder Heart Woman was a person with no insecurities, personal demons or anything of the sort. But of all the major characters, she seemed to be more in tune of what and more importantly, who she was.

In the miniseries’ second episode titled, "Manifest Destiny", Thunder Heart Woman had seemed impervious to the Wheeler family's attitude toward her, during her immediate family’s short stay with her in-laws in Virginia. Even when faced with the disapproval of a German minister and fellow wagon immigrant called Preacher Hobbes (Derek de Lint), she remained impervious to his bigotry. At least according to her husband’s narrative. But this essay is not about Thunder Heart Woman. It is about one of the men in her life – the one love in her life, who managed to catch my attention. Namely one Jacob Wheeler (Matthew Settle and later John Terry).

The third of four brothers from a Virginia wheelwright family, Jacob Wheeler seemed very similar to his Lakota wife – the type of person that seemed to know his own mind. The miniseries’ first episode, ”Wheel to the Stars” revealed that Jacob’s Virginia family seemed to view him as a non-conformist . . . or oddball. He, in turn, regarded his hometown of Wheelerton, Virginia; his family and its profession with mild contempt. In short, this young Virginian was a fish out of water in 1825 America and he knew it. This would explain Jacob’s longing to see the world beyond his hometown and the eastern United States. He did not hesitate to express his enthusiasm for the West. After meeting mountain man James Fletcher (Will Patton), he immediately set out to achieve his desire to leave Wheelerton.

Possessing a talent for persuasion, Jacob managed to convince two of his brothers – Nathan (Alan Tudyk) and Jethro (Skeet Ulrich) – into joining his trek to the West. Jethro turned back at the last minute and Nathan ended up accompanying him. After Jacob and Nathan parted ways in St. Louis, the former caught up with Fletcher and famed mountain man, Jedediah Smith (Josh Brolin) and convinced the latter to allow him to accompany Smith’s expedition to California. I could probably list a number of examples of Jacob’s talent for persuasion, along with his exuberant and non-conformist nature. What I had failed to mention was that he possessed a strong and stubborn will to achieve what he desired. A perfect example of this was his determination to return to California after he, Smith and their fellow mountain men had been kicked out of the province by Mexican authorities. Not only did Jacob manage to achieve this goal, he did so at a great price. And yet . . . one of the interesting aspects of the Jacob Wheeler character is that despite possessing a strong will and extroverted nature, he also had certain vulnerable characteristics and insecurities. Especially insecurities. In both ”Wheel to the Stars” and ”Manifest Destiny”, Jacob’s relationships with his Wheelerton family and Thunder Heart Woman revealed just how insecure he could be.

Jacob seemed to have a rather peculiar relationship with his Virginia family. Despite regarding them with contempt for their provincial attitudes, he had also allowed their attitudes to bring out his own insecurities. His grandfather Abraham (Ken Pogue), his father Enoch (Serge Houde) and his three brothers – Nathan, Ezra (Joshua Kalef) and Jethro – either derided or teased him about his lack of interest in the family’s wheelwright business. And all of them viewed Jacob as a daydreamer with no sense of family duty or any common sense. The Wheelers have never hesitated to express their low opinion of Jacob’s desire to experience life beyond Wheelerton. I cannot help but wonder if the Wheelers’ contempt toward Jacob’s non-conformist ways had bred a sense of insecurity within him. Or if this insecurity was one of the reasons behind his desire to escape Wheelerton for the west.

It is possible that I may have stumbled across one result from Jacob’s less-than-ideal relationship with his Virginia family. I do not know if anyone else had noticed, but it seemed to me that whenever any of the other Wheelers teased, ranted or expressed contempt toward Jacob or his views on the West, he rarely bothered to defend himself. Jacob did not defend himself whenever his brothers mocked him at the dinner table.; when Jethro made the "tail tucked between your legs" comment, following Jacob’s return to Wheelerton in "Manifest Destiny"; and when Enoch accused him of luring both Nathan and later, Jacob to the West. Instead of defending himself, Jacob merely remained silent in an effort to ignore the hurtful comments.

However, there have also been moments when he did defend himself. Jacob made a snarky comment about his grandfather Abraham’s penchant for rambling on about his past as Revolutionary War veteran and the family’s business. And the elderly man reacted in such a vitriolic manner that I found myself wondering if Jacob had ended up with a new hole in his backside. When Nathan raged against him for helping an escaped slave named Ben Franklin (Sean Blakemore) in Tennessee, Jacob insisted they had done the right thing considering that Ben had earlier released Nathan after holding him hostage with a knife. And when Nathan lost his temper over Jacob’s refusal to follow him to Texas, the younger brother merely insisted upon continuing his intention to join Jedidiah Smith’s expedition.

One could only wonder why Jacob had rarely bothered to defend himself against his family’s scorn. Did he share Thunder Heart Woman’s talent for imperviously ignoring the scorn and prejudices of others? I rather doubt it. Whereas Thunder Heart Woman had seemed unconcerned by others, Jacob’s face tends to express his pain or embarrassment caused by his family’s attitudes. I suspect that deep down, Jacob longed for not only his family’s respect, but their acceptance of his true self. But unlike many people, he was not willing to change his nature for the Wheelers or anyone else’s acceptance.

Why did Jacob decide to return to Wheelerton with his pregnant wife and daughter after eleven years in the West? In his narration, Jacob claimed that he wanted Thunder Heart Woman and his daughter Margaret Light Shines (Elizabeth Sage, later Irene Bedard) to meet his Virginia family. Perhaps he was telling the truth. Yet, a part of me found that hard to believe. The moment Jacob began to enjoy his Lakota in-laws’ hospitality, he felt certain that his own family extend the same kind of warmth to his wife. And yet . . . he had insisted upon returning to Virginia. Why? Had Jethro hinted the truth in his "tail tuckered between his legs" comment – that Jacob encountered nothing but failure in the West and returned back to Virginia for a livelihood? Or was it something deeper? Perhaps a last chance for Jacob to seek final acceptance from his family? Who knows.

Whatever Jacob had sought in 1836 Virginia, he did not find it. His father Enoch revealed that the family’s wheelwright business had suffered a setback, due to the economic depression that struck the United States in the mid and late 1830s. And the Wheelers seemed no more closer in accepting Jacob for himself or his Western family. His cousin, Naomi Wheeler (Keri Russell) viewed Indians as non-human. His brother Ezra regarded Thunder Heart Woman as a mere "squaw". Naomi’s sister, Rachel (Jessica Capshaw), viewed young Margaret’s hand as a piece of dung. And Enoch seemed to act as if his new daughter-in-law and grandchildren did not exist. No wonder Jacob ended up complaining about the Wheelers’ treatment of his Lakota family.

Eventually, Jacob decided to take his wife and children and return to the West permanently – preferably Californa. It seemed the Wheelers’ continuing disregard toward them – along with news of his idol Jedediah Smith’s death – led to this decision. He almost seemed cold and distant toward his parents and Ezra. But he did not count on Jethro and his three female cousins’ decision to accompany him to California. Apparently, not all of the Wheelers viewed him as an oddball for his preference for the West. Jacob seemed heartened by Jethro’s decision to join him. And although Naomi, Rachel and Leah’s (Emily Holmes) decision to join the trek West took him by surprise, Jacob readily accepted their company. In the following narration, he came to this conclusion:

"I hope that I would prove equal to the responsibility I had undertaken."

I found this comment rather odd. Jethro and the three cousins had been determined to follow Jacob and Thunder Heart Woman on the trek to California, regardless of anything the couple would have done or said. Even Jethro had later pointed this out.

The next three years (1837-1840) must have been the best Jacob had ever experienced with any of the Virginia Wheelers. The three cousins – Naomi, Rachel and Leah – finally began to view Thunder Heart Woman as a member of the family and cherished her and Jacob’s three children (Abraham had been born in Wheelerton in 1836 and Jacob Jr. was born in Missouri sometime in late 1840). Jacob’s close relationship with Jethro seemed like a far cry from the conflicts with Nathan that marred his trip to the west back in the 1820s. One would begin to think that Jacob no longer suffered from any insecurity by this point. And yet . . . they only remained buried inside him, waiting for the right moment to manifest.

In the end, it took the wagon train journey to California (dubbed "the Wagon Train of Doom" by me) featured in "Manifest Destiny" for Jacob’s insecurities to get the best of him. Upon their arrival in Independence, Missouri in the fall of 1840, the Wheeler family remained there during the winter before joining a California-bound wagon train led by one Stephen Hoxie (Beau Bridges) in the spring of 1841. Surprisingly, only Thunder Heart Woman seemed reluctant to leave Missouri. I suspect she had enough of being constantly on the move for the past several years. But the rest of the Wheelers, especially Jacob, seemed determined to head for California.

Once the Hoxie wagon company began their westward trek, everything seemed to be faring well. The weather seemed beautiful. Everyone seemed to be in good spirits – including the black family from Illinois named Jones that managed to join the wagon train without any opposition. Both Naomi and Rachel attracted the romantic attention of the train’s two scouts – 'Skate' Guthrie and James ‘Jim’ Ebbets (Ryan Robbins and Christopher Heyerdahl). This contentment finally ended when Thunder Heart Woman spotted wolves feeding off the corpse of a buffalo and when the train later crossed what I believe was the Big Blue River. The incident proved to be the first of two disagreements between the couple. Thunder Heart Woman viewed the wolves as a sign that the wagon train would come to a bad end. She insisted that the Wheeler family return to Missouri. Jacob dismissed her worries as superstition on her part. But the expression on his face clearly indicated his doubts on the wisdom of the trip.

Then the first disaster struck. One of the emigrants, a German-born minister named Preacher Hobbes (Derek de Lint), lost control of his wagon during the crossing. Distracted by the Hobbes family’s situation, Jethro nearly lost control of his wagon. Leah fell out of the wagon and drowned in the river’s fast flowing water. Although Hobbes received an angry response for his carelessness from Captain Hoxie, the Wheeler women’s anger seemed to be directed at Jacob for leading them to this western trek. The expression of guilt seemed very palpable on Jacob’s face, as Naomi demanded that he take the family back to Missouri. Leah’s death proved to be just the beginning.

The further west the wagon train traveled, more disasters followed. The emigrants were forced to deal with a severe thunderstorm and a cattle stampede that left the only son of a black emigrant named Absalom Jones (Neville Edwards) dead. Not long after the storm and the stampede, both Naomi and Rachel married two of the wagon train’s scouts, Skate and Jim. But that brief period of happiness failed to last when the wagon train attempted to travel through a pass. While traversing a pass, a wagon broke free, knocked Rachel down and ran over her leg, causing a severe compound fracture. The leg eventually became infected. Hobbes, the closest thing to a doctor available, tried to amputate Rachel's leg; but his efforts turned out to be clumsy and Rachel died before he could finish. Although no family member angrily demanded that return to Missouri, the expression on Jacob’s face obviously conveyed his feelings of guilt.

The final blow to Jacob’s disastrous return to the west occurred when Mrs. Jones died from cholera. Since the Wheelers’ wagons had been traveling with the Jones’ wagon at the back of the train, they had been exposed to the disease. Hoxie and the scouts forced the Wheelers and the remaining members of the Jones family (Mr. Jones and Sally Jones) to remain behind under quarantine while the main body of the wagon train carries on. Only Naomi was able to continue with the train, since she had been with her new husband. Jethro became afflicted with symptoms of cholera but recovered. Both Jacob and Thunder Heart Woman drifted into a serious quarrel, when he suggested that she take their children and attempt to find her Lakota family. Needless to say, Thunder Heart Woman took the suggestion badly and reminded Jacob that he should have listened to her warnings about the journey.

No new outbreaks occurred after Jacob ordered that all drinking water be boiled. The Wheelers and the Jones rushed to catch up with the wagon train, but discovered that it had been attacked by Cheyenne warriors. All of the emigrants had been wiped out, aside from Naomi, who first became a captive and later, a wife of a Cheyenne chief Prairie Fire (Jay Tavare). The Wheelers and the Jones families were also attacked by Cheyenne warriors. They managed to repulse the attack, but Jacob ended up seriously wounded by an arrow in his chest. The surviving emigrants tried to move on with a wounded Jacob, but the juts and bumps of the trail made it impossible for him to endure the pain. Instead, he insisted that Thunder Heart Woman, Jethro, Mr. Jones and the children continue west to California without him, since he would only prevent them from crossing the Sierra Nevada Mountains before winter. They left him behind with great reluctance.

Thanks to a fortuitous encounter with one of his brothers-in-law, Running Fox (Zahn McClarnon), Jacob survived his wound before continuing west. The period he spent east of the Sierra Nevada Mountains allowed him to wallow in loneliness and grief over the separation from his family. But he remained determined to find them. And it took him another four to five years before he finally did. Becoming a member of John Charles Frémont’s California Volunteer Militia during the Mexican-American War allowed Jacob to scour the region for signs or news of his remaining family. Five years passed before he finally came upon the ranch that Jethro and Thunder Heart Woman had settled. Jacob also discovered that in the intervening years, his brother and wife had considered him dead, began a relationship and had a child – a little girl named Cornflower. Devastated by this turn of events, Jacob decided not to reveal himself to his family. At least not openly. Instead, he left the wooden medicine wheel necklace that Thunder Heart Woman had given him when they first met to his youngest child, Jacob High Cloud. Another five years passed before Jacob finally reconciled with his family, due to the efforts of his daughter, Margaret Light Shines.

Ever since I first saw "INTO THE WEST" and especially the above mentioned scene from "Manifest Destiny", I have found myself wondering about Jacob’s actions. I understood why he decided not to intrude upon the family that Jethro and Thunder Heart Woman had formed upon their arrival in California. But why did he leave the medicine wheel necklace to young Jacob? Surely, he knew that his family would be aware that he was alive . . . and knew about their situation? Looking back on his action, it struck me as a very passive-aggressive on his part. He lacked the courage to face Jethro and Thunder Heart Woman. And yet, he seemed determined to thwart the happiness they had created . . . as if he was punishing them for continuing their lives without him. Or perhaps Jacob felt a great deal of envy toward Jethro because the latter turned out to be the one who successfully led the family to California, and not him.

Perhaps Jacob had always a passively-aggressive personality from the beginning. His relationship with his Virginia family struck me as being marked by a great deal of passive-aggressive behavior from the start. Jacob seemed determined to be his own man, whether in his enthusiasm for the West, his decision to leave Wheeler or join Jedediah Smith’s expedition over following his brother Nathan to Texas. And yet . . . he never defended himself in the face of their criticism. Instead, he resorted to resentful silence. Why did he constantly fail to defend himself? Was he merely trying to keep the peace? Or did some small part of him fear that his family may have been right about him? It seemed strange than many fans and critics of "INTO THE WEST" seemed to adore Jacob for his seemingly self-assurance and outgoing personality. At the same time, they derided Jethro for being an insecure loser in their eyes. I got the feeling that they were so busy either scorning Jethro or adulating Jacob that they failed to detect the latter’s personal insecurities and darker traits. And Jacob certainly had them by the bucketful.

Did Jacob ever overcome his insecurities? Perhaps. Perhaps not. I wonder if many are aware of this, but it usually takes an individual to overcome his or her faults during an entire lifetime. A good number of people never succeed in overcoming all of their faults. And since "INTO THE WEST" focused more on his and Thunder Heart Woman’s children in the last three episodes, audiences never discovered if he had overcome all of his faults and insecurities. Jacob certainly seemed more at peace in his old age than he did during his first forty years. Perhaps those years of solitude near the Sierra Mountains foothills helped him finally achieve some inner peace.

[hbakroun-blog]

Schindler's List, directed by Steven Spielberg, is one of the most influential films in the history of cinema. Based on the true story of Oskar Schindler, the film tells the journey of a German businessman who played a crucial role in saving the lives of more than a thousand Jews during the Holocaust.

Through a dramatic and impactful narrative, the film reflects the horrors of the Holocaust while highlighting the nobility and courage that can emerge in the darkest of circumstances. Liam Neeson's powerful performance as Schindler, along with the black-and-white cinematography and the film's realistic approach, make it an unforgettable cinematic experience.

Schindler's List is more than just a film; it is a testament to the power of humanity and altruism, encouraging us to remember and learn from the lessons of history. Watching the film serves as a strong reminder of the importance of empathy and courage in the face of injustice.

'Through all the suffering, humanity remains the hope.'

[mattnben-bennmatt]

Matt Damon's interview w/ Film Scouts (November/December 1997)

Matt Damon on "Good Will Hunting"

By Henri Béhar

-

There's a unique freshness to Matt Damon. Fresh face, fresh voice. Strong impact. Made you lurch for the Courage Under Fire press kit to find out who this guy was who stole every scene he was in from Denzel Washington. One should have known when Francis Coppola gave the lead part in John Grisham's the Rainmaker to Matt who? Think of the Godfather, think of the Outsiders and Rumble Fish; if anything, Coppola has the keenest eye in the business for budding talent.

With best pal Ben Affleck, Boston-born-and-bred Matt Damon, 23, comes to Gus Van Sant's Good Will Hunting as a double-threat: lead actor AND scriptwriter. Having just wrapped Steven Spielberg's Private Ryan, he recently took some time off from his preparation for John Dahl's Parameters, which co-stars Edward Norton, Martin Landau and possibly John Turturro, to sit down and chat with us. Excerpts.

On Fame. I like it. I don't think I'm addicted to what is involved with it. I really could take it or leave it. So far, I'd have to say I don't quite know what you're talking about. Honestly. I haven't met a single person, I have not walked down the street where somebody stopped me and said, "Oh, you're Matt Damon." Not for a movie, not for a magazine cover, not for nothing. Which is normal since not that many people know my work, and which works fine for me: I want to be in a position where I can go wherever the character I'm researching is supposed to be from. That's what I'm doing in New York right now. The nice thing is I'm in a position now where they're actually paying for me to do it. I mean, they're putting me during the time when I research, which I used to have to go out of pocket. Courage Under Fire I did and The Rainmaker I did.

What was great about The Rainmaker was when I was bartending, people didn't know who I was. It would have gotten in the way if they knew who I was. So yes, in that sense, if both movies do well — that's a lot of if's — my job might get hindered. But I hope I can find a way, 'cause that's what's most important.

But it also affords you a lot of opportunities. When we did Courage Under Fire, Denzel Washington was allowed to lead tank battles. They really gave him command of these mock tank exercises and strategy lessons. I don't think he would have gotten that if he wasn't who he was. So there's a trade-off. But worse things can happen, you know, there are worse injustices in the world than my not being able to research anonymously.

On getting almost emaciated for Courage Under Fire It evolved essentially because there was a light at the end of the tunnel. There was a time limit. Given that, the person that outlined the diet for me didn't think I was going to be able to stick to it: it was too difficult. When I stuck to it, people got worried. "You have to eat, you have to be fit, you really have to be prepared." And I refused to do so. "Why eat? I've come this far, I'm not going to stop now."

At the end of movie I started eating chocolate cake. That's how I got sick. Literally, the day after I shot the scene with Denzel Washington walking on the lake, I started eating four or five chocolate cakes, twelve beers, four steaks, tons of pasta. And my stomach expanded... I had to go on medication, for dizziness, lightheadedness, stress, post-traumatic stress disorder... I've been off the medication for a couple of weeks now - after two years! That taught me a lot about what I can and can't do, what I should and shouldn't do. But I liked the role and I worked for the role. It cost a lot to get there and I'm glad that I stuck with it.

On his performances. I'm always pleased with my performances because I know that I couldn't do it any better. I always try my hardest, give it all I've got. If people don't like it, then they don't like it, that's totally up to them. But I'll never have a regret about it. And Good Will Hunting is a lot about that, about not having regrets in life. If it's putting on a lot of weight, if it's going to bar-tend or.., whatever it is, fine if you don't like it. You just do whatever it takes to get to the truth of the character. I don't think there's any length that you should not go to do that. That's what we do for a living.

On being best friends with, but also in constant competition with fellow actor-writer Ben Affleck. Well, we've had rises and falls that weren't necessarily meteoric but the word was "Us". If one of us was working and we had enough for both of us to go through life, great. The money was basically there to be shared. Ben would be in a series, like eight episodes, he made a little money, great. I did something, I made a little money, great. We're always looking out for each other. We go out for the same parts all the time but it's never really come down to a director saying, "It's either you or Ben." It would be more like, " It's Brad Pitt or you." But you always root for your own guy. I hung out with a bunch of actors and I always felt that if I don't get it, I hope someone in the group does, because I thought they were the best guys around and they deserved it.

On co-writing, part one. There are a bunch of different ways to do it. We really didn't have a formula. There were a lot of times when Ben and I just improv'd. We'd take a tape-recorder, put it down and just start improvising. Eventually we might come up with for a half-hour improv out of which we might have fifteen seconds that were good. And we'd be looking through the tape and "Yeah yeah yeah! That's it! That one! Write that down." And maybe a scene would start from that line.

It also depended upon our work schedules. At one point, I ran out of money and I took a job that ended up being a wonderful job, a TNT movie called The Good Old Boys that Tommy Lee Jones directed. The bad part was I was stuck in Alpine, Texas. There was one fax machine in the entire town run by this Iranian guy named Rajou. I used to go and he would send my fax away for me. He drove a Lexus and it was the only Lexus in West Texas. And his license plate read "Rajou". Anyway, Rajou was our middle man for our script for a few months there.

So Ben would fax me scenes, I'd look at them and I'd make notes. It would give me ideas, I'd send that back to Ben, Ben would read it... You know what I mean? And then we'd call each other on the phone and say, "Okay, that worked, this didn't work. — All right, now I see from this scene we needed this other scene... — Okay, I'll work on that. I'll take a shot on the set tomorrow, they're shooting a scene I'm not in, I'll have a couple of hours to do just that and I'll fax it to you at the end of the day." That's basically how it went.

On co-writing as opposed to going it alone. Well, two things: In the first place, writing came out of frustration, 'cause I didn't get a job. Two: co-writing was the only option. I had written forty pages for a class and I didn't know what to do with them. Didn't know where to go, didn't have the discipline to sit in front of the computer and wait for something to happen.

I showed it to Ben who, I think, is one of the brightest guys that I know, we have similar sensibilities — and he had the same reaction: He liked it but didn't know where to go with it. We sat on it for a year. And then it started coming. And it was through conversation that the movie kind of came out. Had I written it alone, it would have never gone beyond the forty pages.

On Gus Van Sant. Oh, man. Just that edge that we see in his films! All actors want to work with him because of the moment-to-moment honesty that he gets out of interaction with people. Whatever they are, he always has a great idea as to where to put the camera, and he gets good performances out of the actors because he shoots around them. He rehearses them, then very calmly decides where to put the camera, in a very unobtrusive place. It's just amazing. I felt like my acting process — whatever you want to call it — was nurtured by him. I would very much like to work with him again.

The fact that Ben and I had written the script didn't interfere at all. As a matter of fact, when it all started, there was almost a ceremonial handoff of the project. We said, "Look man, you are the director. This was our baby, it's yours now, go and do whatever it is you have to do." Despite the fact that Gus is a very communal director in that he wants everyone's opinions, which makes you feel you're part of the team, there can only be one chef in the kitchen when it comes to making a movie. Movies are the last great dictatorship. They need that. They need a strong voice, and a decisive voice, and the director is that voice. It has to be. Ben and I were very conscious about our place. As actors. When it started.

Before that was something else entirely [he laughs]. Gus and Ben came down to Memphis while I was shooting The Rainmaker. As we were working on the script, Gus said, "I want Chuckie (the Ben Affleck character) to get flattened on a construction site. — What do you mean? — Killed. Crushed like a bug. I want somebody to say, 'Chuckie was killed, he was crushed like a bug.'" Ben and I said, "That's a terrible idea! You can't kill him! — No, man. It'll be cool. It'll be the Act II climax. — That's a terrible Act II climax."

Anyway, we wrote a draft where Chuckie got crushed like a bug. When Gus read it, he said, "It's a terrible idea", so we threw it out. We probably have it on our hard drive somewhere. We also have Will getting killed on our hard drive somewhere. That was an original ending: Carmine came back with his boys and a baseball bat to kill Will Hunting, who deep down actually wanted to be killed. It was his way of getting out. You can kind of sense the movie is going that way. You know: "Will drives off into the sunset to find the girl he lost — except for that 18-wheeler that he didn't see." [laughs]

What will happen when - if - Will gets to California? You have to ask Minnie Driver... I think Skylar, her character, will whip his ass. That's it: Good Will Hunting the sequel, scene one: " Will gets whipped." But I don't really know where we would go from there.

[neverwritewhatyouknow]

Results are in for poll #2

I’m honestly not too shocked by the answers that were given and, let’s just say relieved that others weren’t given is an understatement.

I figured the best way to respond would be to go one by one and explain more to help educate:

1. “I love the actress, no matter the role, so her taking a Jewish role was fine”

Unfortunately no matter how talented someone is, they can’t change their ethnicity on screen. It would be like saying that you love Angelina Jolie no matter what and it was fine that she played an Afro-Latino in Pearl, or if they had Tom Holland play a Latino character. Loving someone doesn’t make it okay to erase a minority.

2. “I didn’t know “Jewish” was an ethnicity and not just tied to a religion.”

This having a lot of votes didn’t surprise me at all. Jewish is very much an ethnicity, and actually there are a few different Jewish backgrounds. There’s Ashkenazic (Eastern Europe), Sephardic (Spain, Portugal, Italy, Turkey, Iberia), Mizrahi (Oriental), Ethiopia (and I’m assuming the rest of Africa?). So not only is Jewish itself an ethnicity, but further than that, depending on what Jewish background you have, everything could be different. Judaism is the religion and a Jew is a part of the ethnoreligion. Meaning that the two are intertwined. A Jew may not be religious, but they may keep traditions that are a part of the culture or they may do absolutely nothing and are still just as Jewish as someone who goes to services every week. You’re a part of a tiny little (but strong) tribe of people, being Jewish is literally in your blood (yes, that includes you converts, you have Jewish blood and soul too).

But the biggest reason why this answer doesn’t surprise me, is that on TV or in movies, Jewish characters are never allowed to just exist. It always has to be tied into a Jewish plot. Sometimes that’s playing them for a joke, other times they’re a WW2 victim, other times they’re extremely religious. Jews are so rarely ever shown just being people without the religious aspects tied in. So it’s not surprising that non-Jews don’t know that a lot of Jews aren’t even religious, hell there are a shit ton of Jews who are outspokenly Atheist but super duper Jewish. If films or shows had Jewish characters that didn’t have any sort of religious connection, it would show that Jews are more than a bagel, a Torah, a lawyer/doctor/banker, Orthodox, etc.

That’s why RWRB erasing a Jewish character who was accidentally an amazing example of a 22 year old explicitly Jewish girl who was just Jewish without being overtly religious in any way would’ve been groundbreaking.

3. “Other answer, I’ll explain more…” Please do!!

4. “I didn’t know “Jew-Face” and Jew-erasure in the media was a big deal.”

Sarah Silverman coined the term Jew-face to give a name to when a non-Jewish actor is cast to play a Jewish actor, based on their physical features. Take Rachel Sennott in Shiva Baby or Patti LuPone in like 5 different things. They’re both Italian. But the term has evolved to cover any non-Jew playing a Jew. Much like Black-face, Yellow-face, and Red-face, this is something that is clearly not okay. That’s why performers don’t do any of the latter 3 any more, yet because many don’t understand that Jewish is an ethnicity or why it’s bad to erase Jews, it continues. 9/10 a Jewish character you see on TV or in a movie isn’t a Jewish actor. Most of the Marvelous Mrs Maisel cast— not Jewish. Most of The Goldbergs cast— not Jewish. Most of the Transparent cast— Not Jewish. The new Spielberg movie— Not Jewish. You see what I’m getting at? There may be a few Jews here and there, mainly in comedies or just by happenstance that the actor was Jewish and they ran with it, but explicitly Jewish roles are normally always given to non-Jewish actors. That would never be the case with any other ethnicity in 2023.

5. “I like Nora being a POC and I didn’t know Jews could be Black (or any race).”

Another answer that really didn’t surprise me. This is because on TV and in movies 1: you rarely see any actual Jews, and 2: You definitely never see Jews of more diverse colors and backgrounds. Jews can be Asian, Black, Hispanic, literally anything you can imagine. Some by conversion, but a lotttttttt were just born Jewish. I don’t want to speak over any Jew of color, but I can make the likely true assumption that it probably fucking sucks for people to assume they aren’t Jewish simply because of what they look like. I’m grateful I was raised Reform, so I grew up surrounded by diverse Jews as far as the eye could see, but unfortunately since Jews are a minority anyway and Jews of color are only a small fraction of an already small fraction… It’s not shocking that people think they don’t exist. What RWRB could’ve done, if they wanted Nora to be played by an African-American actress, is they could have found a girl who was Jewish and Black. I promise, they exist.

6. “I understand that it’s wrong! Changing my mind! RWRB did something bad!”

Amazing! So glad! Please post about it or reblog any of my posts. What they did was really not okay and we can’t let this slide.

7. “I didn’t know the rest of the cast was accurately portraying their ethnicities.”

To the absolute best of my knowledge, every other actor cast in the film who has a character with a minority background is of that background. South East Asian playing South East Asian. Mexican-American playing Mexican-American. Etc. It seems that the only character not portrayed accurately is the only character with a Jewish ethnicity, and even if she wasn’t the only one, hopefully you understand why it would be wrong in any production.

As always, if you have questions, comments, or concerns… DM, Anon, Comment, or leave ‘em in the tags

[alexjcrowley]

RANT INCOMING SORRY

I don't want to be that person, but let me just say this year two autobiographical movies about the early life of a director came out (Armageddon Time by James Gray and The Fabelmans by Stephen Spielberg) and, when said directors had to choose actors to play their fathers- a pretty important role, I'd say- they respectively chose Jeremy Strong and Paul Dano, which are both incredible actors but, somehow, severely underrated (Strong more than Dano tbh). There are so many pretty faces at Hollywood, iconic actors, maybe with a much more iconic family name, but when it was time to put the portrayal of on of the most important people in these directors life in someone's hands none of these people had the honour. When it came to pick the very best, people you would trust with such hard work and responsibility, actors that we all know deserve way more recognition than they currently get were chosen. Makes you think why, if they're considered so good to be entrusted with such complicated roles, we don't see them that often in cinemas or tv shows. Their Wikipedia or Imbd pages are way less full than we'd think for such talent they have. Maybe it's the fact, even more than they aren't conventionally attractive of whatever, they both lack those iconic family names. But when you need quality, suddenly people know they have to turn to them. Just saying.

[totesarchives]

Kids R' all white

The Whitest Kids U’ Know know what’s funny

By Jane Borden

Although stand-up comics focus on perfecting one strong 20-minute set, the key to becoming a respected sketch group—faced with an hour to fill and striving to build a recurring audience—is to never let the joke well run dry. Since last February, The Whitest Kids U’ Know have been prolific, debuting new, inventive material every Sunday night at Pianos on the Lower East Side, while amassing a loyal fan base and a library of more than 200 sketches.

When challenged with generating that many original bits, a group is bound to repeat some premises. “We write a lot about war… and robots,” Trevor Moore, 24, says. The performer is surprisingly subdued for someone who, in one of the group’s short films, is comfortable swinging a bat on a Queens street and screaming to a second-floor window with child-like excitement, “Hey Bill! Come on: Race War!”

The group formed in 2000 when Moore met Sam Brown at an open mike in the city. “I had a pen that I pretended was a rocket ship and I just flew it around on stage for a couple minutes,” he recalls. “I don’t think anybody liked it but Sam.” The two School of Visual Arts students soon hooked up with another, Zach Cregger (strikingly handsome, predictably pursuing an acting career) and the perpetually unclothed-on-stage Timmy Williams, a student at Brooklyn College at the time. Darren Trumeter, 25 and the last to join, went through a rite of passage, as Moore recalls. “At a party, he was talking about getting in the troupe and we said, ‘Punch Zach in the face.’ So he goes over, taps Zach on the shoulder and punches him. We were like, ‘Yeah, you should be in.’”

…AND NOTHING BUT THE SPOOF Timmy Williams, Zach Cregger, Trevor Moore, Sam Brown and Darren Trumeter, from left, in black and mostly white.

After WKUK had done stints on stages at SVA and in comedy clubs around town, Pianos’ owners approached them to fill the bar’s Sunday night spot. “The crowd we try to appeal to isn’t the kind who pay $25 and a drink minimum,” Cregger, 25, says. They are, however, the kind who linger, hanging out with one another and the troupe, and return week after week.

The back-room attitude of Pianos also allows the troupe to take risks. Before launching into an impossibly high-pitched, a cappella duet sparked by news of Spielberg’s new Tom Cruise vessel The War of the Worlds, Moore announces, “Sam and I wrote this an hour ago.” It was awkward, nonsensical, childish and the funniest part of the show.

In fact, their scenes work precisely because they’re so bizarre. WKUK doesn’t remind you of anything else: They’ve had no formal training, rarely see other sketch shows and don’t even name comedic influences. When Brown, 23, attempts to explain the inspiration behind “War of the Worlds,” he says, “Trevor was listening to ‘Godzilla’ by Blue Öyster Cult…” Then Moore finishes his sentence, “So I guess Blue Öyster Cult is one of our main influences.”

Of course, not every risk returns a reward. But even the scenes that last too long or wax too wordy have something interesting or funny at heart. Their writing always puts the joke front and center. They don’t use props and always play themselves. “We’re not good enough to remember different names,” Moore jokes. “We try not to do sketch sketch… where everyone comes out in matching suits and stuff.”

They just do a lot of sketch. “Even though we write so much about pirates,” Cregger admits, “we try to do each scene in a new way. There’s one where there are a bunch of pirates in the crowd being loud and Trevor is shushing them—the whole sketch is just him saying, ‘Pirates! Pirates, quiet!’” Moore interrupts with sarcasm, “But then we’ll write another one where we’re pirates attacking robots on the sun—so that’s different.”

Hopefully their off-center humor will reach a larger audience soon. The group’s television-pilot teaser is in the pitching process with a few networks. Seeing a fresh perspective like theirs on the air would be a triumph for any comedy fan, but especially for those who agree with their opinions on most TV routines. “Putting a celebrity in a wacky situation bores the shit out of me,” Cregger says. Moore adds, “And if I see one more scene about a gay priest…”

“We do plenty of gay jokes,” Cregger admits, “but at least we have a new angle on it.” “Right. Our gay robot sketch is hilarious,” Moore jokes. “Oh yeah—that’s the one with the pirates in it,” Brown shoots back.

__________

This article first appeared in Issue 493 of Time Out New York, an entertainment and events guide magazine. Whitest Kids U’ Know cofounder Trevor Moore credited the piece with boosting the sketch troupe’s popularity; following the article’s publication in March of 2005, “you couldn’t get into our shows,” he said. Time Out New York released its final print edition in 2020 and is now available exclusively online.

Text and image taken from Reddit.

[mcbitchtits]

okay, since round three is on the books, i’m going to try to corral my points of review into more cohesion instead of just scattershot points.

(SPOILERS obviously)

My main critiques:

1) Have you ever read Mostly Harmless? Douglas Adams talks about how he was in a bad place mentally and “took it out on the book”, and later regretted it and meant to go back and rework the ending. A lot of people, I think, have the same feeling about Temple of Doom, knowingly or unknowingly regarding Spielberg and Lucas’ personal situations at the time.

Dial of Destiny is, for me, that same sort of bouncing off of it because the plot is too dark. And this one isn’t even literally dark, it’s just kind of depressing. My suspicion is that they tried to respond to the backlash to Kingdom of the Crystal Skull by being serious, grounded, and in the case of the macguffin, extremely rational. But they overcorrected, in my opinion, and frankly it sucks that they killed off Mutt and blew up Indy’s life. Not only that, but it makes for a bad “ending” to the series (if it does turn out to be so, as they claim it to be). The movies, as a series, are pulpy, even if they’re grounded pulpy. Indy is a heroic character, even when he’s losing, and yes he finds his way back to Marion and puts his hat back on to live another day, but that’s not enough. And the reason it’s not enough, is

2) The script isn’t strong enough to support the plot. There are a lot of moments that are somewhat flat and empty and just not tight. I do wonder, with so many characters and moments, how much ended up on the cutting room floor; if there were more nuanced lines and fleshed out lines that gave things a little more depth.

For example. The “I’ve seen things, things i can’t explain... I’ve come to think it’s not a matter of what you believe, but how hard” line. This is a line that, to me, sounds like it’s supposed to be deep and thematic and sound good, but it’s actually empty and confusing. Yes, Indy’s character has always been a skeptic and yes, part of the themes of this movie are about science and rationality (and not being aliens omg~). But it also flies in the face of his character arc in Raiders specifically but also Temple of Doom, about wonder and awe and terror and mysticism. (And, you know, as a scientist, at the end of Raiders he points out that the “boogeyman” he didn’t believe in at the beginning is an incredible and dangerous force that should be studied. He didn’t just laugh it off or second guess his own experience.)

This line reminds me of a paper I wrote in high school, where I had a lot of rich resources and was trying to make a statement about human nature and the art of storytelling, and it was so broad and too wide that I ended up with a sort of empty, flat thesis as a result. That’s what this line is.

What it’s trying to do, I think, what it’s there for, is to set up Helena’s following line. That no matter the forces in the universe, even if he’s skeptical or just deep in the dark set of depression, he still believes in his marriage, in Marion. I mean, which is truly touching. But the cynicism of his line just makes the whole thing fall flat to me.

But more specifically when it comes to weak script structure: the writing does not earn its catharsis from the emotional climax to the denouement. Indy thinks he’s dying, thinks he’s old and worthless and his life isn’t worth living anymore, and wants the one thing he think has any significance to him anymore— his passion, his love for history, his study of the past. And in this moment, Helena tells Archimedes he cannot allow Indy to stay. That they have to get back, he doesn’t belong here, he’s just going to die a pointless and empty death. He needs medicine, and he can’t help Archimedes in this time.

What she should say here— for her own character arc, and for Indy’s, as he begs for meaning in his life— is that she needs him. Yes she’s a scoundrel and yes she’s Indy’s character at the beginning of Raiders (and yes, she has a Short Round in Teddy), but what she doesn’t have anymore is her father, only his research; and structurally, thematically, she came to her godfather for a reason (that wasn’t just the dial itself, even if she keeps playing off how much she’s only in everything for the cash).

But she never says that. And Indy, having just lost his son literally and his wife emotionally, never says he needs her either. (Even though, obviously, he’s screaming it emotionally. That is hard to watch.)

As a result, the ending— wherein Indy does get Marion and Sallah and Sallah’s family (also, uh, where is Fayah?) and Helena and Teddy— it’s all sort of left to discomfort and allusion. We never get that moment like in Last Crusade where Indy and Henry Sr. can step back from the grail obsession and see each other. Helena’s rogueish punch is a good laugh, but it’s not enough to land that scene emotionally, and neither is the scene that follows.

(Which also, “are you back?” is supposed to mean, I guess, back in New York, back in his time, back in their relationship, but it’s also a flat/empty line because back to what. He just retired. He doesn’t have another adventure lined up; and according to all sources this is his “final” adventure. And saying, like, oh yeah, he’s “back” from the depths of depression? feels callous and dismissive.)

On a less dialoguey level, the script just has a ton of things crammed in it for the sake of them being Indiana Jones touchpoints, and I think there’s a shitload that ended up cut in editing, and there’s kind of too much. There are too many characters and so a lot of them don’t get richer moments to shine; the chase scenes are A Lot of Things Happening One After Another and not necessarily with any sense of snowballing danger; there are literally so many parts to the macguffin that we literally never learn anything about the fourth piece, the necklace on Archimedes’ skeleton. (And I’m not saying we should have; there’s already too much going on, and it’s excessive. My point is just that... it’s excessive, and there should have been more Kill Your Darlings happening, like, everywhere.) Hauke is there to be the Pat Roach character and he never gets that sort of fight scene. That’s the whole tropey reason to have him there! (And that’s the kind of thing that makes me wonder if there is another two and a half hours of cut scenes sitting on the editing room floor somewhere. There’s just so fucking much.)

3) Most strangely of all, the music feels like it’s tacked on as an afterthought. There are moments where it flows, and there are moments where we hear themes, but they never seem to work together. The first time we hear the Raiders March is Indy climbing up onto the treasure train and off his motorcycle (and it feels very much like it’s supposed to be like him running along the German sub in Raiders); but it doesn’t really feel like we crescendoed to that point— we should probably just be feeling the urgency tick up in tension, something with a driving and aggressive cadence to it, and then hit his theme later on when he clocks the German commander or maybe later with Voller.

And it’s like... not noticeable in other places. It should be punctuating that he’s the hero. (So maybe the problem is that heeeeeee’s too depressed in this movie and Helena gets so many hero moments? Maybe the problem is that the writing/editing is just not tight so the action can’t find its rhythm?) We drop into it right over the credits and I can think of one other brief moment. (I’m probably undercounting, but again, it feels not noticeable.) All in all the scoring feels very disjointed.

Okay. Those are my Main Points. Onto other smaller nonsense from this viewing:

What’s up with the bugs scene. Excessive. Just cut that straight through to the methane scene; we don’t have a reason to think Helena has a bug phobia, we HAVE SEEN INDY NOT BE AFRAID OF BUGS IN LITERALLY THREE OUT OF THE OTHER FOUR MOVIES, and also I’m pretty sure they’re CGI? This moment does not need to be in the movie. It does literally nothing.

I don’t think I mentioned it previously though I did notice last time— when Teddy pickpockets the rich kids on Sicily, the puppet show they’re watching is the Battle of Syracuse we’re about to witness, “dragon” included. A cute detail.

Helena’s outfit on Sicily is so weird to me. The linen shirt and pants at least make sense from an islandy, tropical approach, but what is with the victorianish boots. Maybe I’m wrong but I do not think there was a Victorian style resurgence in 1969? This outfit is also. So bland. Please give that girl a scarf or some jewelry or a funky belt or literally anything. Maybe an interesting vest featuring colorful Sicilian fabric. SOMETHING.

I enjoy the flashback we get to 1951 but I wish it were somehow integrated to include a map scene? Dumb personal preference on my part. Personal taste-wise I feel like Mangold played fast and loose with checking the boxes on small stuff like that and again it’s just. Not finessed.

I dislike the audio editing in the cave scene. I think what they’re aiming for is trying to make the initial line discernable from the echoes, but weirdly loud/intimate/unbalanced dialogue/audio editing was a big annoyance of mine in Crystal Skull, so this is a bit of sore thumb for me.

Also... why Beethoven’s Fifth? Just another thing that feels like the script could have made a little richer if it were another song; maybe something funny or something with meaning to Indy and Helena, I don’t know. Maybe something to play on the pulpy/period tropes. Maybe something more contemporary to show us Indy isn’t a total sadsack. I’m just spitballing.

Saw the movie today in just regular old standard projection without any dolby or anything like that; honestly a better audio mix than my two IMAX showings. Dunno if that’s just the classic theater being old and retrofitted or the AMC being on point technically, but either way. Improvement.

Realized that in addition to the Wilhelm pretty early on, there’s also the Falcon/prop engine start noise in the movie.

Today’s crowd was a little more understated (aside from all the mall kids running around), but weirdly the only joke that got an actual laugh was one of Helena’s lines? I can’t remember which one now. But I thought that was interesting.

Fascinating to me that people bounced so hard off of Mutt/Shia and here we are with Helena “Wombat” Shaw, troublemaker with daddy issues, smartass, —what’s the female equivalent of a womanizer, a manizer?— treasure thief, who adopted a kid trying to pickpocket her. Not that Lucasfilm/Disney know what the hell they’re doing here. (GREENLIGHTING A SHORT ROUND SPINOFF YOU DUMB FUCKS, GET ON IT ALREADY)

Production design pet peeve: why are all of Indy’s pictures of Marion from 1936? (Also, he had a photo of her with him in 1994, everybody say AWWWWW) They’ve been married for 12 years now, did they have NO family photos in that time?! DID NO ONE GIVE THE PRODUCTION DESIGN TEAM ACCESS TO PHOTOSHOP?????

(I wonder if any of this is related to the rumored ending reshoots or whatever? Like— the photo of Marion that turns up in his bag in 1994 was not in the original teasers; was that just because of late digital work, or was it because they rewrote the ending or something? I’m fully speculating here, I barely even know what the rumors are. (Can you imagine if they fully split him and Marion at the end initially. I would blow my fucking gasket.)

Okay that’s enough for now. I’m sure I’ll be back with more thoughts as I inevitably continue to go to showings and mentally dissect this 24/7.

[kevrocksicehouse]

Guardians of the Galaxy Volume 3.

D: James Gunn (2023). 

The secret surprise of James Gunn’s latest and last go-round with the dysfunctional gutter outlaws turned grungy cosmic superheroes, is the director’s heart. It was always there – the first two movies, in which a talking tree (v. Vin Diesel) that communicates by a million different inflections of “I am Groot”; Rocket (v. Bradley Coooper), a genetically modified raccoon mashup of Buck Rogers and Ratso Rizzo; team leader (and goofus savant) Peter “Star Lord” Quill (Chris Pratt), Gamora (Zoe Saldana) “the deadliest woman in the galaxy” (actually a time variant of the Gamora that was killed in the last Avengers saga who has no emotional connection to the team or her romance with Quill) and her sister Nebula (Karen Gillian) both children of galactic scourge Thanos; Drax (Dave Bautista) a super-strong warrior who alternates between dim-witted and other-witted; and Mantis (introduced in Vol. 2 and played by Pom Klementieff), Quill’s half-sister and empath: stumbled into becoming a team were a sterling “you make your own family” story disguised as it’s opposite. But Gunn’s ability to evoke pathos even while making fun of it is both fine-tuned and amped up. At his best he suggests Steven Spielberg as a Farrelly brother.

The movie feels clunky and overstuffed at first, as Gunn tries to juggle all of these characters and more but after Rocket is seriously injured in a kidnapping attempt masterminded by The High Evolutionary (the mad geneticist who created him played with cruel savagery by Chukwudi Iwuji) and the team has to find the computer code that can save him, the film finds it’s footing, alternating a race-against-time rescue quest with flashbacks to Rocket’s origin that Gunn turns into a grim fairy tale of young animals trying to survive a life defined by sadistic experimentation. The flashbacks give both the characters and the story a new emotional depth that colors the action and laughs (which are abundant). This is almost certainly Gunn’s last Marvel movie for some time and it’s a little poignant that he’s ending the franchise on such a high note. The dysfunctional clowns self-appointed to protect the cosmos will leave you with a smile on your face and a tear in your eye.

[jellofish4000]

The Male Genius

02/01/2023

The male genius. 

I am a woman, yet somehow I have become entirely enthralled with the male genius. 

The male genius is a myth, of course. And it is not miraculously that I have come to center so much of my media consumption around this myth. Putting on a new movie, picking up a new book, listening to a new album. These male geniuses are everywhere. Why is it that Elliot Smith seems to capture the essence of our existence so perfectly? How do Shakespeare or DFW or Poe manage to write in a way that seems so innovative and incomparable? The Beatles, The Beach Boys, Pink Floyd, Michael Jackson, Prince, Tupac, Elvis, Fitzgerald, DeLillo, Scorsese, Hitchcock, Spielberg, Nolan, Mozart, Liszt, Chopin, Beethoven. It continues. It continues on and on, forever and ever. Men are the universal constant. Jesus himself. God always referred to as a “he”. A force so much larger than humanity is a man, consciously or subconsciously. We all know “history was written by men” but let’s not forget about everything else. 

I will never forget the time a friend (a man) marveled at my music listening habits once, telling me so sincerely: “You only listen to them (some kpop group I can’t bring myself to remember) because you think they’re attractive.” The shock on his face when I told him I had no clue what this particular group of men looked like was laughable. Sure there can be elements of attraction whenever you consume something. Watching a good movie and finding out the dude behind the camera is just your type. It’s a pleasant surprise. But you don’t go on to scour streaming sites for his films just because you think the guy’s attractive… You scour and scale because you have never seen a person use a camera like that. Write a song like that. Describe a feeling like that. He may even be the exact, feature for feature, opposite of your type. He may remind you of that man you wish more than anything to forget. But wow have you ever heard someone speak so eloquently? Have you ever seen anyone with such unique little ticks and habits? Have you ever heard a voice like that? And that attitude is simply… 

They are everywhere all the time. “The first to do this”, “The first to land here”, “The first to think of this”. 

I sit. I write things. I delete. I wonder why there aren’t more women in the things I consume. 

The terrible reality is, the male genius may not be a myth. It may very well be the truth. Maybe they are just that good. And it’s not that us women are utter shit. It’s not that we can’t write in awe-striking ways or convey our existence along the same vein as an Elliot Smith song. It’s more like we’re not allowed to. There are very certain things a woman should be. People flamed on Jennifer Lawrence recently after she admitted how proud she was for her role as a major female protagonist in popular culture following The Hunger Games movies. A studio exec had told her something along the lines of “men can’t relate to female stories.” She was determined to prove them wrong through the spirit of Katniss Everdeen. The internet-o-sphere lit flames under her bed after that interview. They pulled up all sorts of previous examples of “strong” and “independent” female characters that did it before her. The flames consumed her, the blame fell squarely on her shoulders because God forbid she give herself a little credit where credit is due. Everyone chose to ignore what the studio exec had said. 

Men are the geniuses always because they are allowed to be. They are allowed to sit in a studio for 3 days in a row, screaming demands in all directions until they make the perfect track, only to beat their wife and small child when they finally make an appearance back home. They are free to be raging alcoholics and avid drug users, writing down their life-shattering experiences for pages on end, and when they pass they will forever be memorialized as the tragedy we should’ve done more to protect. We will trust the Elvis biopic of a male genius into the hands of another male genius and milk 8 Oscar nominations from the results. We will similarly trust these men with the Marylin Monroe biopic fated to die a silent death and fade into the obscure of unfortunately shitty movies. Some man will confess on a forum for musicians that Alanis Morisette is his guilty pleasure because, naturally, she is something to be ashamed of, nevermind the quality of her music. I will continue to add song after song to my playlist, watch film after film, read book after book, learn fact after fact because those feelings are what I want from life. I want to be able to live it the way I desire. I dream of breaking free from expectations. “Woman” is a label held above my head at all times, that I wear proudly, but one that brings me great pain. Nothing I can do will subdue this feeling. I experience my freedom vicariously through all the men who are allowed to express their pain and suffering without fear of revolt or mockery, but I will always continue to dig through the pile for the female genius. The Ella Fitzgeralds, Donna Tarts, Cate Blanchetts, Mary Shellys, and The Wachowskis of the world. Our collective suffering knows little bounds. We are bonded together by it across the world. And we can also make those unimaginable, irreplicable, inherently important things. One day, the act of being a woman won’t be anything to be ashamed of.

[glowyjellyfish]

October Halloween Movie Fest Day 16:

holy shit why has no one ever told me how good poltergeist is

I expected quality classic horror, but I was not expecting dense layers of human emotion. Perhaps I should have, but I also didn’t know and/or remember that this was a Spielberg movie. 80s Spielberg no less. Of course it’s phenomenal. It also helps that I didn’t know much about the plot—Simpsons never did a straight parody and at most plucked a scene or two, so I was vaguely aware it involved a little girl and a TV and probably some ghosts or something. And it was pretty obvious early on that the whole development was gonna turn out to be on a cemetery or something, but the whole thing was delivered impeccably. I actually have heard the “you moved the headstones, but you didn’t move the bodies!” paraphrased line many, many times (it was in Gex that I played on my old 3do), but I had no idea where it came from, and so experienced a very enjoyable slow realization. Even guessing that, the entire climax still delivered a fantastic wham. The effects held up great—a black line here and there, but I think it works in this movie’s favor that many effects are practical and weird-looking, it has an ethereal look that wouldn’t happen if somebody tried to remake it with CG. Great characters, great establishing normalcy and then slow build up of horror, great false ending moment of calm, great ending expressing not just that they escaped, but that they barely got away and have nothing left and are going to be haunted by this trauma for a long time. Man. I might have to buy a copy, that is my definite favorite of the never seen before bunch so far.

Treehouse of Horror 16 (Bartificial Intelligence/Survival of the Fattest/I’ve Grown A Costume On Your Face)

Not exactly my favorite, but a pretty solid Teen Years THOH, approaching Actually Creepy at times. There are some parts that don’t work IMO, but ultimately 16’s three solid segments with some weak moments outweighed 15’s two good with one funny but weak segment ratio. 16 also got bonus points for being explicitly Halloweeny rather than just wild non-canon fantasy fun, as well as the strong atmosphere. I felt more sorry for Bart than usual in the first segment, and was happy to get to Maggie’s second starring role in the third. (Well, arguably, but I’m ruling in her favor since she usually doesn’t do much.) I also thought about 8 and 9 very carefully, and decided they were correctly placed and haven’t been surpassed yet, but it’s getting pretty close. I definitely like some of these recent segments more than some of the 8/9 segments. Maybe I will have to start a second list. Anyway, the usual list is now 1, 5, 4, 7, 6, 3, 2, 9, 8, 16, 15, 13, 12, 14, 10, 11.

This was also the last season covered by Frinkiac; I will either have to hunt for gifs or stop including them.

[thereturnofsidsid03]

My Only Testaments

I have so many favourite movies and it's so hard to rank them so I will list them all* (all is a strong word) and the order is independent from my feelings.

Almost Famous, 2000, Cameron Crowe (now this one is my actual all time fave, but the rest are up for debate)

The Mummy, 1999, Stephen Sommers

The First Wives Club, 1996, Hugh Wilson

Scream, 1996, Wes Craven

The Goonies, 1985, Richard Donner

Lisa Frankenstein, 2024, Zelda Williams

Breakfast at Tiffanys, 1961, Blake Edwards

Ferris Bueller's Day Off, 1986, John Hughes

The Mummy Returns, 2001, Stephen Sommers

Bottoms, 2023, Emma Seligman

Practical Magic, 1998, Griffin Dunne

The Rocky Horror Picture Show, 1975, Jim Sharman

Little Women, 2019, Greta Gerwig

10 Things I Hate About You, 1999, Gil Junger

The Birdcage, 1996, Mike Nichols

Romancing the Stone, 1984, Robert Zemeckis

Batman & Robin, 1997, Joel Schumacher

Booksmart, 2019, Olivia Wilde

Mamma Mia!, 2008, Phyllida Lloyd

Stand By Me, 1986, Rob Reiner

Candy, 2006, Neil Armfield

Young Frankenstein, 1974, Mel Brooks

My Own Private Idaho, 1991, Gus Van Sant

Love Rosie, 2014, Christian Ditter

The Perks of Being a Wallflower, 2012, Stephen Chbosky

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom, 1984, Steven Spielberg

Uptown Girls, 2003, Boaz Yakin

The Craft, 1996, Andrew Fleming

Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back, 1980, Irvin Kershner

Empire Records, 1995, Allan Moyle

Funny Face, 1957, Stanley Donen

Dead Poets Society, 1989, Peter Weir

The Dark Knight, 2008, Christopher Nolan

Dazed and Confused, 1993, Richard Linklater

Muriel's Wedding, 1994, P.J Hogan

Before Sunrise, 1995, Richard Linklater

Sabrina, 1954, Billy Wilder

Knives Out, 2019, Rian Johnson

I'm sure I will remember more and the list will grow but thats that for now, thinking of categorising them instead too.