#spending a week with secure people well into their careers who have been in stable long term friendships and relationships

[just-rogi]

The unexpected side effect of spending a week around other mature secure adults who have healthy boundaries and communication and have been hand picked by my closest friends to be the best and healthiest people they can be, all of whom genuinely like me and communicate their needs, is returning back to my apartment and realizing just how different shit is here…. Like damn I know I’m moving out in ten days and so so so happy but wow, it was fucking NIGHT and DAY seeing how people are supposed to act I didn’t realize how different my college friends were, it makes me so much more excited for this next leg of my life and my move!

[peaktotheocean]

post-production

Pairing: Jaskier/Geralt ao3 link here Notes: If you ever watched the Lord of the Rings behind-the-scene discs and thought “I wish there was a 12K Witcher AU where Jaskier is the famous actor who buys a horse for Geralt the horse trainer” then you’re in luck

Jaskier knew that he would miss the stable the most. After weeks of filming on location, surrounded by crew and actors that Valdo had already poisoned against him, the stable had become a respite of sorts.

No matter the smells (the many, many smells), Jaskier would always remember the sun beams shining through the high windows and illuminating the dust and dirt to shine on the horses. Jaskier had tried and failed many times to capture the moment on his phone— to the point where he was convinced that it was impossible. He would just have to burn the sight into his memory.

Jaskier had just one more day in this stable and on set and then he could sort of what he wanted to do with the rest of his life.

Certainly not acting.

Five blockbusters in four years and Jaskier's exhaustion knew no bounds. Not to mention people he thought were his friends just clinging to him for a ride.

He had meant for his career to be music and yet here he was on what he considered the wrong marquees.

Taking a small acting job offered by a friend in order to help pay rent had escalated into a full career and never worrying about rent again.

But then there was Valdo.

Jaskier had only started hearing about the rumors during the second week of the shoot. And by, then it had been too late. Valdo's charisma and charm took hold and Jaskier wasn't to be trusted. Was he a thief? A gossip? A drunk? A backstabber? It depended on which rumor went around that morning.

"Last day, darling."

"What?" The horsemaster's gruff tone was shorter than usual today.

"Sorry. I was--" Jaskier broke off. He didn't want to say it aloud. Which was silly because he had seen Geralt speaking to his own horse, Roach many mornings. Not to mention afternoons and evenings and any other time they were shooting scenes and Geralt was brought on set to stay with the horses. "I was just telling Pegasus that it's our last day with the horses. Or my last day, I suppose."

"Hmm."

Jaskier already missed the grunts. It was unclear if Geralt disliked him because of Valdo's rumors. But truthfully, the horsemaster hadn't seemed to have taken a shine to anyone over the course of shooting.  

Well, not any humans, at least.

He doted on all the horses. Roach in particular, and Jaskier couldn't blame him. She was a sweet mare and if Jaskier hadn't been assigned his darling Pegasus, he would have liked a chance to ride Roach as well.

But of course not. She was Geralt's favorite and Valdo's mount.

Not that the actor cared. The animals were more like props than living beings to him. Jaskier didn't like thinking about the amount of times he had seen Valdo curl his lip at Roach.

Just Jaskier's luck.

He had beaten out Valdo for a role which he hadn’t even known the man had wanted. And in return, Jaskier’s last few months had been lonely and uncomfortable and—

He set his forehead against Pegasus’s neck and took a breath to steady himself.

He could still feel Geralt’s presence. Lifting his head back up, he smiled at the man who showed no emotion in return. At least Jaskier knew that Geralt didn't like anyone else on the set either. In a strange way, it helped. Geralt was a part of his respite in the stables just by being impartial to the rest of the gossip of the set.

"Not the last day overall, of course. But I checked and I know we're moving on to another area for the next month or so. Granted, I guess you'll still be here if they want to do re-shoots, right? Can't go through the trouble of training so many horses over again."

Geralt had apparently decided that Jaskier wasn't even worth of his grunts anymore. As if Jaskier was the one who came out early to the stables to interrupt him and not vice-versa. Still, the actor had to admit that the quiet of the stable comforted him regardless. No one gossiping. No Valdo. Just him and Pegasus.

And Geralt, he supposed.

And Roach.

And the other horses.

Well, Jaskier supposed no moment was truly perfect.

----------------

Jaskier let his fingers run over the intricate chainmail of one of the many costumes from the film. Percival and his artistic team had done such excellent work. It was a shame that most of it would be auctioned off but with any luck, some would go into a production vault or even a perhaps a museum exhibit for film costumes. While Jaskier enjoyed the way his costume felt on him, purchasing it wasn't a priority for him.

“Percival!" He called when he saw the crewman in question. "This is for the auction, right? Do you know when it's actually happening?”

Jaskier hated how nervous he felt. He knew the horses were up on the auction block and he had a plan. Pegasus was the only good part of this filming and Jaskier didn't want to leave him behind. “For the horses,” Jaskier clarified.

“You interested?”

“Very.” Feeling much like the office was his primary school classroom, Jaskier stood up straight and put on his best serious face. “I’ve got the space and a neighbor who already shared the name of the veterinarian he uses for his farm.”

“Better prepared than most actors who make a snap decision at those auctions. Plenty of times I’ve heard of some bigshot selling off a horse after less than a month."

Jaskier couldn't tamp down the pride he felt at getting Percival's approval. Gods, he needed to leave this set. Just spend some time with Priscilla and not think about acting for a while. With any luck, he'd be spending time with Pegasus as well.

“How awful.”

“Can’t be helped. You’ll want Pegasus, of course?” Percival asked knowingly, poking fun at Jaskier's wide smile.

“Please. Send me the info and if I can’t be there and I’ll send someone else in my stead.” Jaskier couldn't help himself. “Truthfully, I’d take Roach too but I suspect the horsemaster has his eye on her.”

“Geralt?" Percival asked. He shook his head. "He can’t afford her.”

“You’re kidding.” What a shame. Jaskier had never met a horse and a rider so in tune with one another. He had just taken it as fact that Geralt would be taking Roach home with him. For the first few weeks, until gruffly corrected by Geralt, Jaskier had assumed that Geralt owned Roach and had brought her to set in the first place.

Though, looking back, it was a foolish thing to think. Roach and Valdo had been paired together for the duration of the filming and Geralt's stony glare anytime the actor mounted the mare...well, Jaskier would assume that if Roach had belonged to Geralt, he would have banned Valdo from riding her.

“Already asked him. I went to give him the info because I thought the same as you. Figured he’d be first in line but he didn’t even consider it. Poor fella. I didn’t want to push, you know?”

“Good man.” Jaskier stroked Pegasus and his eyes drifted over to Roach.

----------------

Zoltan's head poked through the door of office had housed the horse crew for the past few months. It hadn't become home, certainly, but the production team had put together a good group. Geralt would be keeping the contact information of more than a few riders and trainers in hopes of working with them again on future projects.

"You headed out, Rivia?"

"Almost packed. Just wanted to stop by the stables." The production auction had already happened but Geralt hadn't heard of any of the horses being moved out just yet. That kind of transport, especially if they weren't being kept local, took time to arrange. He had double-checked too. There was plenty of time for him to say goodbye to Roach. Give her a few extra treats, a good brushing down. The best sendoff a girl could ask for, really.

And she deserved a proper goodbye. Geralt had second-guessed himself, knowing how much it would hurt to say farewell but he couldn't help himself. Between the actors and the long shoots, all the horses deserved some post-production pampering. Geralt hoped the rest of them would get it once they were with their new owners and families.

"Surely you're doing more than stopping by."

"What?"

Zoltan gave him a perplexed look. "Roach, I mean. You're taking her with you, aren't you?"

"Can't afford her," Geralt said, trying not to grit his teeth. He had only said it aloud once before. When Percival had asked for his future plans. All of the horses were auctioned off at the end of the production, along with various bits and bobs that the studio didn't want to keep or store.

Roach was a prize mare, along with many of the other impressively bred horses in that stable.

Geralt would have loved to take her back to the ranch and shared stables that he ran with his family but it just wasn't in the cards. It was kind of the manager to even come to him and inquire. It spoke volumes about what Geralt had accomplished over the course of the shoot. At least with that gesture, Geralt knew he'd have a reference for future jobs. Perhaps not just for him but for the ranch too.

"But she's in your name. Isn’t she?"

"What are you talking about?"

Zoltan came into the room now, still looking at Geralt as though the man needed his head examined. He spoke slowly. "Geralt, I saw the finalized auction list. She's been paid for already and your name is on the front of her paddock."

Geralt froze. Surely Zoltan misread or even misunderstood. Geralt's name's was occasionally listed on paperwork as a handler if a buyer wanted to know more about a horse's temperament. But not as the owner or buyer.

He slowly backed away from Zolton and calmly headed towards the stables, and Roach's stall. He did not want to sprint eagerly or get his hopes up so instead, Geralt inhaled and exhaled every other measured step.

Roach's ownership papers were slipped in a plastic sleeve with a little metal hook attached so it remained securely on the nails of the stall door. Little dried stains and dirt covered the plastic and Geralt imagined Roach trying to get at her own papers.

Geralt von Rivia.

Undeniably, there in black and white. Geralt blinked, not believing his own eyes.

But still, there it was: Geralt von Rivia.

"Ah, Geralt!" The stablemaster came up to him, clapping him on the shoulder. "I had heard that you weren't able to bid. What a lovely surprise when I saw the name." Roach stretched as far out of her stall as she could manage, just reaching Geralt to nudge him. "And it looks like she agrees as well."

"But I didn't bid," Geralt said, confused. He stared at the paperwork for an extended period of time. He just couldn't believe it. Even encased in plastic that had corners peeling away at the top, it looked as officially legal as the other ones hangin off of the rest of the stalls in the stable.

"What?"

"I didn't bid. I told them that I couldn't. I didn't— I don't..." Geralt tilted his head and looked at the placard attached to the paddock. Geralt von Rivia and Roach.

How?

"I don't think anyone would be so cruel to play on a joke on you like this, mate."

"How can I check?"

The stablemaster pulled out his phone and held up a finger. Geralt didn't argue but watched the man dial a number and take a few steps away.

Roach stretched her neck again so her entire head came through the opening above the stall.

"Hello, girl." Geralt used both hands to rub at her face. He couldn't help it. Even if his name on the paperwork ended up being a cruel joke, he could imagine her at his family's ranch. She wouldn't take shit from the bigger stallion his brother kept and she'd teach their other mares to do the same.

"I talked to the production office. Said she's yours. The bid was placed anonymously."

"What? Anonymously?" Geralt looked at Roach as though she had the answers but the stablemaster continued to talk.

"They also included shipping costs as well as extra for feed, care, special needs, etc. A retainer essentially."

"Anonymous? How could they manage that?” Geralt leaned against the stall door, brain going into overdrive. He wasn't even sure where to start.

The stablemaster clearly could tell, and his voice softened, speaking as he would to any of the horses in the building. Geralt couldn't find it in himself to angry. It was a strange version of kindness that, in his overwhelmed state, he had no option except to accept. "It's all in the paperwork."

"Can I get a copy?"

"She's yours, Geralt, of course. Her and the paperwork."

Geralt looked at the paperwork attached to the stall and began to slide it out of its protective slip. He balanced his phone in one hand and the papers in the other as he slowly began taking photographs of each one. "I want to send the information to my friend before I— before I take her home."

"A lawyer, you mean."

Geralt nodded. "Just to double check."

“Smart man. Let me know if I can be of anymore help.”

Mercifully, the stablemaster left and Geralt let himself slide down the stall door. He knew he'd have to change pants before leaving now but he couldn't bring himself to care. He leaned his head back against the door.

He squinted at the sun through the windows as he struggled to hear the phone ringing amidst the breakdown of the rest of the set.

“Geralt.”

“Yenn.” Geralt couldn’t manage more than that. He took a deep breath to try again but Yennefer stopped him.

“Geralt? Are you all right? I thought you were still on location for that god awful film.”

“I am. I’m still there. I just. Something’s happened. I’m fine,” he added quickly. “It’s just strange.”

“Explain.”

"If someone bought you something anonymously, is there a way to tell who it was?"

"A gift? What kind of gift has you this shaken up? I am going to need so much more context, Geralt. Not to mention lunch and permission to laugh at you for whatever this is once you're back in the area.” Yennefer stopped talking and Geralt heard a few voices, none of them hers. “That is, I assume you're not back in the area yet. I just saw Eskel at the market last week. He would have mentioned it."

"No we— the film just wrapped. Everything was being broken down and there was an auction but." Geralt took a breath and gathered his words. "The horse I talked to you about."

"The smart one, yes." Yennefer's voice grew quiet and sympathetic in a way that would have surprised Geralt when they first met. But she knew what horses meant to him and respected it. They had both come a long way with one another. "I'm sorry. I know you wanted to buy her."

"That’s the thing, Yenn, someone bought her for me. I just received the paperwork. They paid for her, the board, and transportation back to the ranch. Not to mention a little more if needed. What could be needed?"

"Maybe they thought since you couldn't afford the price of the horse, you couldn't afford food, medical care, things like that."

"Oh." Geralt couldn't decide if that was insulting or thoughtful. Most people on set only saw him in his barn clothing so perhaps they couldn't be blamed for the assumption. He certainly didn't attend any social gatherings after the work day. The cost of Roach had held him back, not the care.

"You don't know who it could have been? Not a clue?"

"I'm...not exactly friendly to people on set," Geralt growled. “I certainly didn’t endear myself to that Marx asshole who rode her during filming.” He hated being on set but he was there to do a job and at least if he was there, he knew someone was protecting the animals.

"You do want her, right?"

"Of course I do," Geralt gripped the phone tightly. "I just want to make sure it wasn't some kind of mistake. Or strings attached. That she can't just be taken away at all in the future."

"All right. I'll look into it. Send me everything and give me a few hours."

"Thank you."

----------------

Geralt von Rivia.

Jaskier shifted all of Pegasus’ equipment to one arm so he could reach out and touch the paper. It felt good to see.

He looked around the stable to check he was alone before giving Roach one last pat. He kissed her on the nose and whispered, “Goodbye.”

----------------

Geralt’s entire afternoon had to shift. No longer could he throw his duffel bag in his truck and endure the long drive home. Instead he spent the day asking for another night in one of the spare rooms near the set. He went to ask after borrowing a trailer, only to find that it was one of the included costs with the purchase of Roach and far too nice for his truck.

Most importantly, he spent time with Roach. She was the last horse left at the end of the day. He had avoided people by hopping into her stall at some point, the stables full of agencies and buyers coming to collect.

A few people stopped to read the paperwork outside Roach and Geralt couldn’t stop his pride from rising. She was a star, great stock but even better temperament. And she was all his now.

Thankfully, by the time Yennefer called, no one was in the stables to hear a mobile phone start ringing inside one of the stalls.

“That was fast.”

“I’m very good at my job, Geralt.” Geralt wisely held his tongue. “Right so. Roach was bought and paid for by a Julian Alfred Pankratz."

Geralt blinked. He looked to Roach as though she could answer his questions. “I...I don't know a Julian-- whatever. Whatever name you just said to me."

Yennefer gently, "I think he's more commonly called Jaskier."

"Jaskier?"

"Yes, Jaskier. You know, one of the stars of the film series you've been working on the past few months."

Geralt bit back a growl. Yennefer was doing him a favor. He didn't need to be a twat. "I know who he is. I don't know why he bought Roach though."

He had certainly never been kind to Jaskier. If anything he had been a downright grump. Which wasn't much different from how Geralt treated most of the actors. Even the ones who had been nothing but kind to him.

He just couldn't risk it. The cast were a load of gossips and each week, Geralt heard something different about Jaskier and his coworkers. Geralt hadn't wanted to get involved.

It wasn't worth his time to be a notch in the bedpost for an actor who apparently had paramours throughout the cast and country, if the rumors were to be believed.

Clearly it hadn't mattered to Jaskier anyway.

"Bought and gave to you," Yennefer corrected. "Roach is in your name. I had to jump through some hoops to find this information. It wasn't easy. I don't think he intended on you ever knowing. He never mentioned it at all, correct?"

Most of the conversations Geralt had with the man were one-sided, or just corrections for his horse handling.

"Most of the actors left the day after the film wrapped. I haven't seen any of them save for a few who needed re-shoots with some of the sets we still had." His fist tightened around his phone. “I only told one person that I couldn’t afford Roach. He's not the type to pass around gossip.”

"I don't think Jaskier meant anything bad by it, Geralt."

"I just don't...understand."

"Me neither but unless you'd also like me to follow up, perhaps get in touch with his management?" She left the question hanging in the air and Geralt's face reddened at even the mention of talking to Jaskier again. It wasn't the man who had him worried but the whole process. Going through his team and agent just to ask why? What if he took back the gift?

Yennefer read his mind, as per usual. “He can't take Roach back, Geralt. I made sure of it but honestly, it looks like he is the one who made sure of it. No strings."  

"No strings."

"Do you want me to try and find out why? Have you looked at her teeth? Perhaps you might want to look a gift horse in the--"

"Yennefer," Geralt growled.

"Take Roach back to the ranch, Geralt. I'm sure your family will be excited to meet her."

----------------

"Is this my welcome?" Geralt hadn't even gotten out of his truck yet but he was tempted to make a u-turn and leave the ranch the same way he came in. He wasn't sure where he and Roach would go but anywhere would be better than his little brother giving him a suspicious expression the moment he pulled into the driveway. Eskel pushed Lambert to try and snap him out of his daze. "Well, are you just going to look at me like that or are you going to say hello?"

"Did we know you were bringing home a horse?" Eskel asked delicately while Lambert just continued to stare.

"I didn't even know I was bringing home a horse." Geralt slammed the driver's side door shut and caught Eskel in a hug. He snagged Lambert too even though the little shit tried to wriggle away after two seconds.

Lambert went through his fingers on a very short checklist. "Aiden was hoping you'd break your rule of no autographs for this one. But you didn't do that. And you brought home a horse."

"We've got a free stall, right?" Geralt looked towards the stables. They rarely had a full house unless they were hosting some kind of trail camp. Still, he hadn't even thought of calling home to check.

"She's staying?"

"She's mine." Geralt handed Eskel the paperwork and Lambert immediately hung over his shoulder to read through it.

Eskel's eyes widened at the sight of her lineage. "How did you afford--"

"I didn't. It's…a long story."

"You didn't steal a horse, did you? Someone is going to be looking for this girl."

"She's not stolen. Her name is Roach." Geralt ran his finger through his hair, pulling at the tangles from having the window open on the long ride back home. "Melitele, can we not do this now? Let me get her settled and then I'll tell you about it."

Eskel and Lambert exchanged a look and Eskel shoved Lambert off his shoulder. "Lambert, go tell Dad that Geralt's home. When does the trailer have to go back?"

"They bought that too."

"The trailer came with the horse?" Eskel waved his hand after seeing the pained look on Geralt's face. "All right, don't tell me. I know you don't want to explain it more than once."

He left Geralt to blessed silence. Silent as a farm could get, at any rate. He patted Roach's flank and coaxed her out of the trailer, leaving it unlocked and opened behind him. The ranch was isolated enough as it was and he'd be back for it soon enough.

"This is Scorpion. That's Kelpie," Geralt introduced Roach to each horse as he walked her by their stalls, finally coming to an empty one. He eyed up Scorpion, already thinking ahead. Eskel's stallion was of good lineage. It wouldn't be a bad match to think of for the future.

He hung around the stable as long as he thought he was able to. Just because one of his brothers hadn't been sent out to fetch him yet didn't mean that Vesemir hadn't already planned it. Geralt patted Roach one last time and headed out.

The farmhouse smelled just as he left it, like horse and his father's cooking. The first an unfortunate by-product of their lives but the second, a welcome back.

They didn't all still live in the house. Eskel had a cabin on the furthest edge of the land with a herd of goats that they rented out and kept for milk. Lambert and Aiden had just moved to another patch of acreage on the opposite side before Geralt had left for the film shoot. From what Geralt could gather from Eskel's texts, they swapped out more nights than one making sure someone was there to help Vesemir with the morning chores.

"Hey Dad." Geralt leaned in and let his Vesemir clap him on the back.

"Good to have you home." Vesemir's gruff voice washed over Geralt and he felt something in his shoulders settle. He took the offered bowl of stew and purposefully brushed against both Eskel and Lambert on his way to sit at the table.

"Good to be home."

Lambert, mouth full of beef stew, used his dripping spoon to gesture to the TV.

“You worked with him, right?”

"Who?" Geralt looked up from his bowl. There was an entertainment show on the television but it had gone commercial. Lambert rolled his eyes at him.

“Jackass. Jaskier. They had a whole segment on him."

Geralt swallowed and before he could overthink it, told them, "That’s the one who bought Roach. Bought her in my name, I mean."  

Eskel near choked on a beef chunk, "What?"

"Him?" Lambert's eyes widened. He shot a look at Vesemir. "Did you, uhh--" but he didn't get a chance to finish because Geralt threw a chunk of bread at his head.

"I didn't sleep with him, you ass. I don't know why he did it. I wasn't even supposed to know, according to Yennefer."

Geralt wished he knew why. It was an itch he couldn't scratch, though having Roach home and in her stall was a significant balm. He accepted another slice of bread from Eskel.

"She checked it out?" Vesemir asked knowingly. "Everything is all right?"

"The paperwork all checks out. No strings," Geralt echoed Yennefer's earlier words.

"Good lineage," Eskel added slowly. "There’s no issues with her health?”

Geralt nodded. "None that I know of. I'm going to call in Coën tomorrow to give her a full check-up and we'll go from there. I don't think there will be a problem though."

Lambert shrugged at Eskel who still looked suspicious. He eyed the door that led out closest to the barn as if he wanted to go interrogate Roach to find out more. “Oh. Well, I guess a person who buys a horse anonymously as a gift can’t be that big of an ass then like the papers say, right? Was he?”

“Was he what?”

“An ass. Was Jaskier an ass?” Lambert asked again.

Geralt pondered the question. He hadn't expected to think this much about anyone from the cast after production had set down. Definitely not Jaskier.

Truthfully, Jaskier had been the furthest thing from an ass. Sure, he had gotten to the stables earlier than the other actors but it was a strange thing for Geralt to complain about considering how late the rest of the cast were for their training sessions. He cared about the horses too. It had been sweet.

"What are you on about?" Vesemir grumbled.

Lambert, mouth full of stew, looked at Eskel imploringly, fighting to swallow. Eskel tilted his head towards the television. "The lad who bought Geralt his horse apparently got on the bad side of some folks. The gossip shows say they've been spreading rumors about him for months."

"Did he say that? Jaskier." Geralt's attention suddenly back on the television. The b-roll footage of a posh gentleman on the red carpet was not the same man covered in a dirt -covered costume after a ride or a long shoot, that was for sure. It still was Jaskier though.

"No one's heard from him. It's all come out now after the production's ended."

Eskel plucked a newspaper off of the counter and passed it over to Geralt who took it but kept it closed. Jaskier's face was on the cover or it would have been if his hand hadn't blocked the photograph from the view. "Wouldn't be surprised if he sued them for libel though. Judging by what they're saying in here, he's certainly got a case."

FALSEHOODS AND PRODUCTION WOES the newspaper headline shouted. Geralt ran through the first few lines of the article and felt the pit in his stomach begin to grow.

“I heard some of these.” He had been on more toxic sets in the past. With more difficult actors trying to make passes at him, sometimes aggressively. Thinking that crew should be lucky to get their attention. Television shows, soap operas had been worse. But this still hadn't been good. And Jaskier had been nothing but kind to him. Annoying, perhaps early in the morning but, certainly nothing like the rumors had suggested. Still Geralt had done his best to ignore him.

“No kidding? Maybe they’ll call you in to testify.”

Geralt leaned against the counter and stared the newspaper, hoping no one else heard the roaring in his ears.

Perhaps there had been another reason Jaskier was hiding in the stables each morning instead of by the breakfast tables in the craft tent.

Certainly Geralt had taken his solace in the company of animals before. Jaskier had clearly just been doing the same.

----------------

“You have more security out in the country. That’s the whole point of the privacy fence,” Priscilla argued. Jaskier had been sneaking peeks through the blinds for the better part of the morning. His face had gotten paler with each glance.

“I know you’re right.”

“I am. London will still be here when this all blows over. Or when a judge makes it blow over.” Jaskier sighed. Priscilla hated seeing him like this, curled up on the couch, phone turned off. Country life would be pleasant in more than one way.

“You can bond some more with that horse you’ve got. I’m sure he missed you.”

“I’ll just have to come back to the premiere,” Jaskier warned. “You won’t have the flat to yourself for too long.”

----------------

"Zoltan."

"You're going."

"Going where?"

"To the premiere."

"We're a little busy here." Geralt gazed around the quiet stables and winced at the phone in his hand. What Zoltan didn't know wouldn't hurt him. The last thing Geralt wanted to do was take the journey into London and be around people that he didn't even socialize with when he was paid to.

"All the crew is invited and the production team is insisting the crew come so they don't look like asshats. Please come keep me company," Zoltan near begged.

"Too late for that isn't it?" Geralt thought back to the television stories and the articles about Jaskier.

Sure, maybe Geralt had given into his curiosity and googled Jaskier's name a few times after his first night home but the man really had vanished. No photographer had been able to capture any images of him and his team weren't responding to any questions.

Geralt wasn't sure if it was Jaskier's team at work or someone in his corner but certainly he had read a few articles about instances of Jaskier's kindness. He had experienced that first hand and judging by the rest of the stories, he felt they had to be true. Most of Jaskier's generosity came anonymously but he hadn't always been as good at covering his tracks as he had been with Roach.

"Well, perhaps. Valdo made sure of that."

"What do you mean?"

"Oh, I just meant. All those rumors he spread about Jaskier. Turns out this wasn't the first person who he had done this too. I heard tell that Valdo is going to be blacklisted in the industry and then sued for gossip. Defamation or something. I'm not too sure. It'll be out in the papers soon enough."

"Libel," Geralt murmured, thinking back to the articles he had read. "Even I heard gossip around the set."

"I didn't believe any of it, personally. Jaskier was always a polite fellow and some of it was nasty. Well, I'm sure you didn't either. Otherwise Jaskier wouldn't have done you that solid."

"What solid?"

Zoltan was quiet for a beat too long.

Geralt sighed. One more piece of the puzzle. "You mean Roach. I know he bought Roach for me. But how did you know?"

"Ah well..."

"I had to go through a lawyer to find out," Geralt added.

"I did the paperwork," Zoltan admitted. "He did want it to be anonymous but I thought that was just so production couldn't give him a hard time about buying two horses."

"He bought another horse?"

Zoltan paused again. "He really never mentioned this to you? He was in the stables near every morning."

"For training."

"Not just for training. Though I guess we know now that he was just trying to stay away from Valdo and his cronies." Geralt wasn't sure what to say to that. He had never been anyone's idea of a respite and his guilt at knowing he hadn’t made the time easier for Jaskier still weighed on his mind. Though perhaps Jaskier had just been after the horses. "He bought the one he rode. Pegasus."

"Oh."

Geralt hadn't expected that. He knew Jaskier had gotten along with the horse, of course. That had been easy enough to see, sweet even. But it was still a surprise. A pleasant one.

There was something about Jaskier buying a horse for himself and for Geralt. As if the man understood the responsibility and the importance. He wasn't just buying Roach as a gift for whatever reason, he knew everything the job would entail.

"The premiere is in London. Should be a good time so long as no one leaks the news about any legal cases beforehand."

Geralt rubbed his hand over Roach's nose and made a snap decision. "I'll meet you there."

"Really?"

"You owe me a drink."

"Should be an open bar, mate."

"Well, that makes it easy for you then."

----------------

Geralt wasn't exactly keeping up with Jaskier's story but Aiden and Lambert watched enough entertainment news for the rest of them. Gossip papers would be left out around the barn by visitors without issue. If Geralt just happened to see that Jaskier hadn't been heard from in a few weeks since production shut down then, well, that was just a fact that lived in Geralt's brain.

One that he definitely didn't overthink. Not with the premiere already on his mind.

"It really was Valdo," Lambert had told him one morning. "Apparently he wanted that role of Jaskier's so badly that he decided that he'd try to make sure the guy would never have any other roles again."

Geralt didn't let on that he had known. Still, he hadn't thought about the creep since Zoltan had brought him up.

Valdo. Like Zoltan had said, it was no wonder Jaskier had always signed up to be the first person at the stables with Geralt. Valdo Marx would never deign to get to the stables early in the morning, even when it was a necessity that he do so.

"Loads of other actors apparently apologized for listening to Valdo. They'd been giving Jaskier the cold shoulder for weeks now. But still, no one has seen him."

"I can't blame him for wanting to take a break from acting. Even now with the rumors out, I think I'd find another industry to work in all together." Aiden shook his head. He looked up at Geralt hopefully, nudging Lambert conspicuously. "You haven't heard from anyone from set talking about it?"

Geralt gave Lambert an exasperated look. "I know you had overheard that conversation. I'm not taking either of you to the premiere. I'm staying for one drink and then getting on the train again."

"Told you so," Lambert muttered. "Fine. Be that way."

“Poor guy,” Eskel murmured. “I’d hide too if I just had to spend months contractually obligated with people all poisoned against me.”

Geralt kept his eyes down, wishing the conversation would change. Wishing he hadn’t been such a fool. At least he knew why Jaskier had always signed up to be the first person at the stables. Not that the information helped Geralt’s newly-acquired nausea.

----------------

It would be fine.

That's what Geralt kept repeating to himself on the tube ride into London.

Geralt would go in, have a drink with Zoltan, find Jaskier, thank him, and then never have to think of the man again. A strange sense of closure for someone he never had a relationship with, platonic or otherwise, but it was the right thing to do.

Everytime he looked at Roach or rode her around the ranch, he thought of Jaskier. It wasn't guilt or anything owed to the man. Geralt believed in the actor's earnestness and no-strings gift.

He managed to find Zoltan right away, the two of them hiding in a corner of the hotel bar through the actual film and more when crowds finally came back.

"I had wondered if Jaskier was even going to come," Zoltan confided in Geralt, leaning closer to the bar and looking over their shoulders as their lobby filled up.

"Because of Marx?"

Zoltan nodded. "I suspect there will be a healthy number of people keeping them away from one another."

"For good reason." Geralt tried not to be too obvious in his glances behind them but Zoltan knew enough of the cause. "Why come at all, I wonder?"

"Contract," Zoltan told him, pressing his lips thin. He shook his head at the thought. "It's written in the contracts that they've got to do press and this counts as press."

"The red carpet beforehand, surely. But I can't imagine a party is." Geralt shifted uncomfortably. The bar was filling up and he and Zoltan were getting squashed to one side already. The gracious and well-tipped bartender had thought ahead and topped the two of them off before the rush began.

"You've been in this business for a few years now. Surely you're not that naive."

Geralt finally caught sight of Jaskier. In a plain blue suit, unlike such patterned clothing he had worn even after Geralt had told him he’d only get the fineries dirty.

Without turning to look at the crowd or see if anyone was watching him, Jaskier hurried up the side stairs to where Geralt knew there was another reserved space, a small but grand library room that hadn’t been alrered since the 30s. He and Zoltan had stumbled upon it earlier in the afternoon while hiding from cameras.

"I'm more naive than I think sometimes." Geralt nodded to Zoltan and held out his hand. Zoltan took it to shake instantly. “It was good to see you. Call if you’re ever by the ranch. We’d be happy to have you.”

Following Jaskier’s path and manners, Geralt also didn’t look behind him as he slipped up the same stairs, closing the paneled door after him.

Geralt allowed himself a moment to look at Jaskier. The man had his coat in hand and was staring out of the rather large window flanked by two bookshelves.

“I just wanted to—“ Jaskier spun around, hand to his chest. Geralt took a step backwards. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to startle you.”

“Geralt,” Jaskier finally said, even though his heavy breaths were still evident. He stood up straight and blinked a few times too quickly. Geralt softened his voice, hoping to ease his nerves.

“Jaskier. I just wanted to catch you to say thank you.”

Jaskier flinched, just slightly. He tilted his head and looked at Geralt as though he was the picture of innocence, furrowing his brow slightly to sell the confused image.

"For what?"

"Jaskier," Geralt chastised. He was in no mood. He had been around far too many people this night. Jaskier thought so too judging by the fact that he had left the main party room for this quieter one. Still, Geralt knew that wasn’t the only reason. "Thank you for Roach."

Jaskier's mouth opened a bit and then closed again. He seemed to be eyeing how Geralt was blocking the only exit out of the room. "How do you know?"

"Was I not supposed to find out?"

"Well, it was— anonymous. I thought." Jaskier's confused expression tightened as though he was trying to remember the legal jargon he had gone through when setting up Roach's purchase and fund.

"I--" Geralt felt his face go a bit red with embarrassment at that. "I wanted to make sure she really was mine. No strings or anything. I had a lawyer friend look into it just to double check."

"Right.” Jaskier shook his head, a few locks of hair coming loose from their coiffed position. “Yes, of course."

Geralt hated that Jaskier was agreeing with him. As if it was perfectly all right for Geralt to be suspicious of a gift and also of Jaskier himself. What a pair they were.

"Look," Jaskier held up his hands in front of him, "I know you don’t like me and I didn’t to it so you’d be— beholden to me or forced to pretend to like me or whatever. You weren’t supposed to find out. But that awful man from production was going to buy her and I couldn’t let that happen and I had heard that you were had turned down the opportunity which just seemed wrong. I mean, she’s clearly your horse and—"

"Thank you." Geralt said firmly. “Just...thank you."

"Oh. You’re welcome." Jaskier swallowed and chanced a look out the window again. Geralt watched him, very aware that he had done what he came to do. Still he couldn’t make himself leave.

"Are you planning on hiding here all right?"

Jaskier shrugged. "I haven’t decided yet.”

Geralt wasn't sure what to do with that one.

"Would you like to come visit Roach?" He tried next.

Jaskier still looked uncomfortable.

“Right now?”

Geralt remembered the early training calls, how quiet Jaskier was when other people began to come around the barn, the rumors he heard even his first week on set. How he had let them affect the way he handled being around Jaskier more than anyone else. Fuck.

"Where do you live?" Geralt asked suddenly, not realizing the strangeness of the question.

"What?" Jaskier seemed taken aback which was more than fair.

"I only meant— Here in London or LA or New Yo--"

"Here. England, I mean. I’ve got a little place a little ways outside of London."

That could be anywhere, Geralt didn’t say. Jaskier still looked uncomfortable. His shoulders were hunched and he was holding himself tightly with his arms straight down at his side so his hands could be shoved into his pockets.

It had been weeks since they had seen each other last and Geralt just. He had so many things to say now but couldn't make the right words come out of his mouth.

He thought about Jaskier every time he rode Roach around the farm. He wished that it was just the two of them at 6am on the training set again. Jaskier on Pegasus and Geralt on Roach, going through the obstacle courses.

He wanted a second chance to ignore rumors and laugh at Jaskier's jokes and flirt back at him. Geralt had that open Jaskier still in his mind, who was so pleased to see both Geralt and the horses even though it was barely past dawn and he had had a late shoot the previous night.

"Did you really buy Pegasus too?" Geralt asked, even though he already knew the answer.

Jaskier blushed. "I did. He's with me. Well, a stable near me. I know I'm not the greatest at care as you saw it but I visit him and ride as often as I can." His smile was soft just thinking about the horse and Geralt again ached, thinking about the morning dew, riding with Jaskier around the ring. The soft voice that he used for the horses regardless of who could hear him.

"You’re welcome to come see Roach anytime. Especially if you want to bring Pegasus. My father’s ranch is remote and private. Sometimes we get writers or other people stay for retreats in some of the smaller cabins."

Jaskier still looked uncomfortable. Upset, even. He had taken his hands out of his pockets and he was leaning backwards, clutching the window frame. Geralt wondered how much acting he did on a daily basis.

He really hadn’t meant for Geralt to find out about Roach.

"He's really fine. I promise," Jaskier said quietly.

Geralt swallowed his nausea at just how still Jaskier was holding himself. At how Jaskier thought Geralt only inquired after Pegasus because he assumed Jaskier couldn’t take proper care of him.

And that was Geralt’s fault. For listening to rumors. For being colder to Jaskier as the shoot weeks had gone on. The man had sometimes beaten Geralt to the stables in the morning and in return, Geralt had barely spoken to him.

"I have no doubt that he is enjoying your care. As well as you sneaking him too many treats," Geralt joked, trying to lighten the mood. He hadn't mean to imply that Jaskier wasn't taking proper care of Pegasus. That hadn't been it at all. He was just. He wanted to be near Jaskier. He didn’t want to leave him just yet.

He took his eyes off of Jaskier's and they fell to his long fingers. Even though he was facing Geralt, Jaskier’s fingers were clutching the window lip.

He hadn’t been looking out the window or catching his breath in an empty room.

Jaskier had been trying to get out onto the fire escape.

Of course.

Geralt sighed, he could feel a dull ache behind one of his eyeballs. Perfect. He had already caused Jaskier enough panic for one night and now a headache. He slowly reached into his pocket and pulled out his wallet.

"Here is a card for my friend. She’s a fantastic lawyer and if you mention my name, she’ll take you on. She might laugh but she’ll do it. The laughing will mostly be at me,” he added. "You might not need her, of course. But she's the one who helped figure out it was you who got Roach for me."

Jaskier took the card from Geralt's outstretched hand and near cradled it in his hands. "Thanks."

"Do you want help opening the window that you were trying to escape out of?"

There was a spark in his eye that Geralt hadn't seen in months and he was willing to bet he wasn't the only one who missed it.

"Please."

Geralt used one hand to gesture for Jaskier to move out of the way and he did, with almost too much glee. There was a bounce in his step that Geralt was relieved to see. None of the tabloids or entertainment shows could see that when they talked about him.

He carefully examined the large window. The expansive sash was sturdy enough but Geralt was more than a match for its age. He reached up and unlocked the top before heaving under the lip.

It opened without issue.

“Thank you so much,” Jaskier gushed. He didn’t even wait for Geralt to move out of the way before climbing into the fire escape. He turned to look back at Geralt. “I really appreciate it.”

Geralt gestured again, this time for Jaskier to step back, further out the window.

"What are you doing?" Jaskier asked as Geralt had one foot out the window.

Geralt raised an eyebrow. “I opened the window. Am I not also allowed to climb out of it?"

"I guess." Jaskier looked bewildered. “There’s still a party downstairs.”

"I think you know me well enough to know that it’s not my kind of party.” Geralt enjoyed seeing the flush on Jaskier’s face at the possibility that the two of them might know one another at all. “I'm not letting you fall down the fire escape."

"Just because my upper body strength is lacking doesn't mean I've never climbed down a fire escape before," Jaskier argued even as he made for the ladder.

God, did Geralt want to know that story. He could do nothing but follow Jaskier.

Out of the window, down the fire escape, and to the ground, where Jaskier landed safely with a soft "Oomph."

"Thank you,” he told Geralt again. Then, before he could lose his courage, he added, “It was good to see you again.” He took off down the street, collar popped up around the lower half of his face.

Geralt wanted to call after him, invite him to get a drink, spirit him away before the cameras out front could find him. He imagined them getting the tube together and riding away all while Jaskier huddled closer to him, whether for warmth or so no one recognized him. Geralt fantasized the worst case scenario, with himself stepping in as the hero for Jaskier, blocking him from the cameras.

In the end, he watched Jaskier, hunched over himself in a foreboding navy coat, make his way around the corner. And then he went home to the ranch and told Roach all about it.

----------------

“Just like that?” Priscilla asked, graciously not mentioning the fact that Jaskier had put on her favorite sweatpants or that he had heart eyes whilst talking about this mysterious horse guy.

Jaskier shrugged, swirling a wine glass with one hand. “Just like that. I’ve gotten a new agent. A new lawyer seems like a good place to start.”

“And you trust him?” Priscilla held up the card. “He couldn’t afford a horse and yet has a friend who works here?”

“She’s how he found out I bought the horse for him.”

“Your funeral.”

----------------

"Geralt von Rivia," Yennefer's voice came through his phone. Geralt winced and so did Eskel even though he was near three meters away. Yennefer only used their full names when they were in trouble. "Did you give some twink my number?"

"Can you help him?"

"Yes, I believe I can. i just wanted to check his story."

"He bought Roach for me."

"Yes, the mystery-horse buyer. I remember." Yennefer's quiet voice used to grate on Geralt. He never knew what it meant. He used to think he was a fool but as their relationship developed, he realized that Yennefer's version of caring contained a lot of frighteningly quiet determination.

"I wasn't supposed to find out, apparently."

Geralt wasn't grumpy about the situation.

He wasn't.

He just wished that everything was different. That was all.

"Well, he didn't anticipate you having me for a lawyer." Yennefer paused and Geralt heard some paper rustling in the background. "Did you know about all this? His situation, I mean.”

“I’ve heard rumors.” Geralt didn't mention that he had been reading Lambert's discarded tabloids and doing some googling of his own.

“Rumors of the situation or the rumors being spread about him on set?”

“The latter,” Geralt mumbled, embarrassed. "Both, I suppose. Lambert reads the tabloids. So does Aiden."

“No wonder he talked himself in circles about you. His friend had to stop him twice from rambling on.”

Geralt wanted to ask about that but he knew Yennefer wouldn't answer. Or couldn't, with a confidentiality clause.

“Can you fix it?”

She scoffed. “Of course I can. It’ll be a bit messy but luckily, this isn’t the only lawsuit against this guy. Tons of evidence and witnesses too. He managed to get a new agent who hasn't been doing half bad of a job. Don't worry, Geralt. I'll protect him.”

"Marx?"

"Yes. It's not the first time he's done this either." Then, softer. "I'll help him, Geralt. I promise."

"Thank you."

----------------

“Jaskier!” One of the farmer’s son sprinted up to him, coming to a stop once he reached the stables. Jaskier had just gotten himself onto Pegasus for the day. “We had a man come round asking about you yesterday. Dad wanted you to know.”

“Here?” Jaskier dismounted quickly and looked around the farm to the tree line, expecting the press to come racing at him after the teen. "Take a breath, Matthew."

Matthew and the rest of his family had been nothing but kind to Jaskier since he had started boarding Pegasus at their farm. He hated to think they were being harassed by some reporters.

“One of those newspaper people. Had a camera and everything.”

Jaskier's heart sank but Matthew shook his head.

“Posh twat!” One of the farmhands yelled from the loft. “We ran him out!”

Jaskier didn’t bothering covering his mouth as he laughed along with Matthew. “He didn’t cause any trouble?” He asked earnestly.

“We said that we’d never heard of you," Matthew said proudly.

“Thank you so much.” Jaskier heaved a sigh of relief and leaned against Pegasus. He gave the horse a kiss and nodded to Matthew again. The boy, realizing just how close he and Jaskier were standing, blushed a bit before racing off.

----------------

It had taken Geralt a long time in his life to learn never to doubt Yennefer but it was a lesson that had stuck.

In keeping up with the news about Jaskier, Geralt had learned a lot about him. To the point where, when Jaskier’s best friend, Priscilla, was interviewed on the red carpet of her latest premiere and asked about the missing man, Geralt knew exactly who she was. It also meant that Geralt could properly appreciate her viciously telling the interviewer to fuck off.

Jaskier still hadn't worked on a film in weeks but Yennefer assured him it was for the best and that Jaskier was doing fine. Laying low was a part of the plan.

The successful plan as it so happened.

Lambert slapped the newspaper down on the breakfast table. Geralt and Eskel both jumped back.

"The guy who saved Roach has been saved!" He crowed triumphantly, dodging a spoon thrown by Geralt.

"Jaskier?” Eskel asked. “The trial went off all right?”

Lambert nodded towards the paper. “It says Marx was found guilty. So Jaskier and the other people he talked about are in the clear with any luck. Have you talked to him?"

"What?" Geralt looked up from the front page. Jaskier looked good in most outfits, of course, but the official black suit for court did nothing but match him to Yennefer, who was barely in the photograph, as the newspaper had tried so hard to cut her out.

"I know it says he won the case but he looks here miserable, mate.”

"Tabloid photos aren't real indicators of a person's well-being," Geralt said stiffly. Even though Lambert was right. Geralt kept picturing the animated Jaskier that he had been privileged to see for a whole thirty seconds at the premiere party.

"You texted him though, right?"

Geralt hummed. "Yennefer's helping him out."

Eskel and Lambert responded at the same time.

"That's not an answer to his question."

"That's not an answer to my question."

Sometimes Geralt really hated his brothers.

"You gave him Yennefer's name?" Eskel urged on.

“Must have,” Lambert commented, tapping on the partial shot of Yennefer buried under headline text.

"Her card." Geralt also remembered Jaskier's uncomfortable body language at the party. Curled in on himself, not meeting anyone's eyes and when he did, he looked right past them. Sometimes when Geralt closed his eyes he saw Jaskier's white knuckles against the windowpane, desperate to make an escape. Geralt provided that. He gave that to him. And Yennefer's information. "He seemed like he just needed someone in his corner."

"And now?"

"He's Yennefer's client right now. They're not friends. Yet,” he added. “Knowing Yennefer, it will depend on if she likes him or not."

Lambert turned back towards his breakfast but Eskel still had a knowing eye on his brother.

“Looks like it’s all wrapped up. He’s not her client anymore.”

"I don't have his number." Geralt admitted, just barely audible. “I never did.”

Eskel reached over and tapped on the screen of Geralt’s phone. "I bet Yennefer does."

----------------

Geralt: Do you have Jaskier's number? Yennefer: Finally. Yennefer: I can't give it to you. Yennefer: But I can give your information to him. Geralt: Thank you. Yennefer: He's sweet but skittish. Be gentle.

----------------

Yennefer: 033 0058 0058 Jaskier: What's that? Yennefer: Geralt's number.

Jaskier sighed and touched his thumb to Yennefer's name.

"You're calling the wrong number," she told him in lieu of a greeting.

"I don't know him," Jaskier argued. "We were never supposed to see each other again."

"I expect a gift basket after the wedding then."

"Shall I expect one for you and Priscilla?" Jaskier asked coolly. Thankfully, Yennefer laughed and he managed to keep going. "He didn't want to talk to me when we had to spend near every day together. I don't think I can manage a phone conversation if it's just me." He wasn't worried about being too honest. Not with Yennefer, not after the trial.

He'd woken up plenty of times in Priscilla's flat after an emotional night to Yennefer at the door with breakfast for all three of them.

Yennefer hummed and in a way, she sounded almost like Geralt. "You're right. Can I make another suggestion?"

----------------

Yennefer: Are you home today? Geralt: Yes Yennefer: All day? Geralt: Yes Yennefer: Good. Stay there. Yennefer: Or outside. By the driveway. Geralt: Why? Yennefer: Trust me, Geralt. It's a lovely day. Yennefer: Just enjoy yourself.

----------------

Geralt stuffed his phone back in his pocket and asked Roach, “What do you think?”

Roach just looked at him which was fair but Geralt’s heart started to race with the anticipation.

He couldn’t be sure of what was coming but he hoped. He left the stables and headed for the house. Sitting on the porch did nothing for Geralt’s nerves so instead he found himself standing in front of it.

Barely twenty minutes had gone by but still Geralt found himself picking the paint off of the porch railing.

An unfamiliar engine caught Geralt’s ear and he turned towards the front drive.

Then, there he was.

Jaskier.

In a shoddy little truck with faded red paint that was nearing pink. It looked as though perhaps Vesemir was only one old enough to have purchased it as new. He was towing a trailer behind him and Geralt would be willing to bet that he knew who was in there.

He also clearly didn’t know where to park. No doubt Yennefer had given him an address only. Geralt didn’t bother to hold back his enthusiasm, waving Jaskier towards the neat line of vehicles by the stables.

Geralt wondered if it would be too much to open the door for him but he remembered Yennefer’s words.

He's sweet but skittish. Be gentle.

Geralt could do gentle. He’d soothed plenty a horse in his time. So he hung back, just giving Jaskier what he hoped was an encouraging smile as he opened the car door himself.

"Um. Hello," Jaskier said shyly, a little nod of his head. With his priorities in place, he was already headed around to the trailer door. Geralt knew he was going to let Pegasus out but he couldn't help but feel as though Jaskier was trying to avoid contact with him at the same time.

He remembered how Jaskier needed to do something with his hands even on a good day, whether that was the infuriating clicking of the pen he used to make notes on his script or the constant twisting of Pegasus' leather reins around his fingers.

Geralt liked to think that this would be a good day but he knew how much courage it took for Jaskier to drive here with his horse.

Jaskier gave Pegasus a happy smile and guided him out of the trailer. It wasn't until the horse was solidly on the grass that Jaskier met Geralt's eyes again. Geralt could see that it wasn't just shyness. It was nerves.

Jaskier was biting at his lip and playing with the leather of the reins just like he had those mornings on set. "I wasn’t sure if the offer to visit was still there. Yennefer said—

"Yennefer was right," Geralt said quickly, beating Jaskier to the trailer door. He latched it shut, staring unblinkingly at Jaskier.

"Did Yennefer tell you to say that?"

“In my experience, it’s usually true,” Geralt joked. He took a step forward. "I'm...glad you're here."

"Oh. Oh, good," Jaskier sounded so relieved that Geralt wanted to convince him to stay forever. To gain confidence as Geralt did around his brothers, to be fed delicious meals by his father, and most importantly, to find peace with Geralt.

"I'm not...I'm not great over the phone anyway,” Geralt offered.

"I thought that might be the case,” Jaskier admitted honestly. “I wasn’t sure if I could stand to carry a whole conversation. Yennefer thought it would be easier for us just to..."

"Be together in person?"

"Well, I was going to say be with the horses. So we both have something to focus on if we need it." Jaskier lovingly stroked Pegasus and the horse nuzzled at him. Geralt had seen the same scene dozens of times over but that had been on set. Seeing it again here, on his family’s ranch was almost too good to be true.

"That works too." Geralt paused a moment and then urged Jaskier to follow him. “Come out to the barn. She’ll be excited to see you.”

Jaskier walked Pegasus through the stables. He let out the sweetest sigh upon seeing Roach again and Geralt never wanted Jaskier to leave the ranch again.

"Oh, hello, darling," Jaskier said quietly. Geralt took Pegasus' reins and Jaskier used his free hands to rub at Roach's nose. She leaned into the petting and Geralt wished he could take a photograph.

“I was a twat,” Geralt told him while Jaskier was distracted by a beautiful horse. “I’m sorry.”

Jaskier looked down and shrugged. “I’m sure you see all sorts on film sets. I can’t even imagine.”

“I bet you can.” Geralt stroked Pegasus. He unlatched Roach’s stall and gestured for Jaskier to lead her out. “You weren’t any trouble, you know.”

“I don’t know if you remember but you…you yelled at Marx one day. He was crowding me in the stable and Roach picked up on my mood and became irritated with him. You told him off.” Jaskier told all this to Roach and Geralt did him the courtesy of not commenting on it.

Geralt didn’t remember though. He had chased away dozens of actors from horses over the years. It didn’t surprise him that Marx had been one of them.

“I’m glad she was there to protect you. And I’m sorry I wasn’t more help.”

“I won’t say that it’s all right,” Jaskier said, with more strength than he looked. He swallowed and finally turned to Geralt. “It’s been…a long few weeks. Months, really. But we’re here now and—“

Roach nudged him again and he let out a little laugh. Some of the tension leaving him.

Roach nuzzled closer and Jaskier could tell she was eager to get out of her stall. “Yes, darling. I brought your old friend to come see you. I thought perhaps--" He looked at Geralt. "I thought perhaps we could go for a ride together? If you'd like."

"I'd love that," Geralt croaked, wondering how Jaskier could still be so brave after all this. That he was here and talking and asking Geralt to spend time with him. "Let me tack him up for you?" He asked, hand on Pegasus' flank.

Jaskier's brow furrowed. "I can do it."

"I know that you can. I want to do to it,” Geralt stressed. "Please," he added.

"Let's swap," Jaskier said, still lovingly petting Roach. "I haven't seen this girl in a while. It'll be nice."

"All right," Geralt agreed. He could see what Jaskier was doing.

It wasn't about a penance. Jaskier wanted them on some kind of equal footing. That was fair, Geralt supposed. Even though as of that specific moment, Geralt wanted to give Jaskier the world.

"Are you all right now?" Geralt asked, hesitating in a way that he hoped made an answer not necessary if Jaskier didn’t want to respond.

"Well, I don't know about 'all right,'" Jaskier huffed. His eyes were looking straight ahead. "Yennefer certainly settled some things. I'm not sure I'll be acting anytime soon. Or um, answering my phone calls. I've actually changed my number again. Remind me to give it to you."

"I'd like that." Geralt didn't mention that he never had Jaskier's number in the first place.

"It's not the press," he assured Geralt. "Just a lot of people trying to apologize or offering to support me. I'm talking to the same few who always believed me before everything, you know? Mostly just Priscilla and Yennefer right now."

Geralt didn't know. He was one of the people who...well, he's not sure that he believed the rumors. He wasn't someone to go around sets making friends regardless. But he had certainly heard the gossip, listened to it even.

He liked to think he made up for some of that but in actuality, Geralt knew it didn't matter. He'll always wish he had behaved differently when he first met Jaskier. He could have maybe had Jaskier in his life for so much longer. Could have supported him better during this shit time instead of just handing over Yennefer's card and begging her to take the case.

Geralt's mind was full of questions that he wasn't sure if he was allowed to ask. He wasn't even sure he wanted the answers either. What was Jaskier going to do now? Geralt knew that one was selfish because he so wanted the answer to include him.

They worked in silence to get the horses ready but it wasn’t a silence that Geralt minded. Especially not when it was broken every moments by Jaskier giggling whenever Roach tried to interrupt his actions. He watched Jaskier get up onto Pegasus before following on Roach.

“You could always keep Pegasus—“

"I was thinking maybe I could board Pegasus here? If you've got the room—"

"Yes!" Geralt said immediately, cutting off what he had started saying as well as Jaskier's nervous rant. He didn't want Jaskier to be unsure of himself ever again. Not where Geralt was concerned. "You could come by whenever you'd like. Hopefully...often," he let himself say, voice growing stronger as the sentence went on.

"Yeah?" Jaskier asked. Geralt couldn't look away from how his teeth trapped his bottom lip between them. He was grateful that they were both on horses, otherwise Geralt wasn't sure he could have stopped himself from taking his thumb and slipping the abused lip to safety.  "I don't live too far away. I hadn’t realized.”

Geralt swallowed. He met Jaskier’s big blue eyes and knew his own were rounded in vulnerability. “Please."

Jaskier finally, finally, smiled at him in such a way that Geralt felt his chest loosen. Jaskier nodded and Geralt felt his heart beating in his chest again. He grinned back at Jaskier and felt something swirl around them.

“Stay for dinner? My brothers would love to meet you. My father too.” Geralt was horrified at himself. He hadn’t rambled on like this in years. He couldn’t stop himself. He didn’t want to stop himself, not when Jaskier was giggling and trying to hide it with a hand over his mouth. “My brother Eskel’s horse is the one I’m planning to pair Roach with but I’m making him grovel for it if you’d like to help.”

“That sounds nice,” Jaskier laughed openly at him. Geralt didn’t mind one bit. “I’d love to stay, thank you.”

“Thank you.”

Geralt couldn’t help but sneak peeks at Jaskier as they mounted. It seemed Jaskier didn’t mind, snorting each time he caught his former horse master. And then he did the same, with Geralt trying not to preen too much in response.

Jaskier told him about Priscilla and Yennefer meeting and how he couldn’t go to dinner with the two of them alone again, Geralt, please.

Geralt explained how the farm worked and how much he disliked being on set away from his brothers, even when the money was good. How mercilessly they had teased him about Jaskier when he had returned.

They rode through the ranch, to Eskel’s farm, and Geralt found that both of them were becoming freer with their laughs by each trot.

The two of them had a strange beginning and a tumultuous middle but perhaps, if Geralt and Jaskier worked for it, they could have a lovely end.

----------------

ao3 link here

[willowgast]

hi! i’m very interested in history and would love to study it in college, but i don’t know what careers i could get with a history major besides being a teacher. are you planning on becoming a teacher, or do you have other career suggestions for those studying history? tysm if you respond!

so, here's a testament to how terrible i am at running this ramshackle blog - i just found this in my drafts after goodness knows how long and frankly i dread to count back and find out. but it is a very good question and i am very, very sorry for taking probably months to do this, and even if this no longer interests you (i apologise again) i'm going to post anyway in case it interests somebody else. going under the cut because this might become a tad long-winded - there's also a tl;dr at the very end of the post for those who don't want to sift through my stream of thoughts.

i am not personally planning on becoming a teacher, at least not in a high school level or younger - still have far too many Spicy Memories from that age to want to return to a school setting in any capacity. academia does appeal to me a lot more as an option - i'm loving my dissertation work and there are lots of areas within my broad field of medieval northern europe with room for fresh, new research. i could specialise in any number of areas, but right now what appeals to me most is literary history and archaeology. unfortunately, my course isn't running the archaeology paper it usually offers as part of the second year setup this year, so i won't get to try out specialising in it, but it's something that's grabbed my attention more and more over the course of my first year of study.

beyond remaining within academia or going into archaeology, i've also considered museum work and archival work. my interest in working in a museum has sprung from a similar place to my interest in archaeology - i've discovered that staying holed up writing at a desk all day, every day can be very draining and, more importantly, that working with physical, material history right in my hands and before my very eyes is Really Super Cool and Exciting. i would very happily look into options for working in a museum in curation or conservation, helping to preserve artefacts and make them accessible to the general public. archival work comes from a similar place, too - i guess it combines my interest in literary history with the feeling of intimacy and immediacy that comes with working with material history.

steering away from fields directly relevant to history, i'd also love to spend some time working in a library - any kind at all, from my local public library to something more academic. one of the papers i'm taking is palaeography, the study of manuscripts, which i've developed a much greater fondness for than i expected to when i started. it's made me really interested in working in an academic library that curates and cares for collections of older manuscripts, i guess like a crossover of a library and a museum.

there's a few areas too that aren't directly related to my degree, but are helped and supplemented by it - these are translation, publishing, and creative writing. languages and literature have always been my strongest subject in school, so it helps a lot for me that my course is interdisciplinary, combining study of medieval languages, literature, and history rather than being strictly a history degree. i maintain a good standard of french and german from when i studied them at school and i'm also learning danish, norwegian, and swedish on the side. the last three are mainly just for reading purposes as i sometimes get set academic articles to read in those languages, but i'd love to work and study in norway some day so i'm practicing norwegian to a more proficient/practical level. at some stage, probably once i've completed my degree, i'd like to save some money aside to take exams and hopefully get qualifications in some of those languages - probably german and norwegian - just to have some formal acknowledgement of my work to hand if i ever want to pursue any programmes or qualifications in translation studies. literary translation, working with creative literature rather than formal documents or academic writing, is something i'm very sure i would enjoy.

publishing is harder to describe, i guess. i have a small role as the editor of my department's silly little student magazine and i'd like to expand and apply to editorial positions at other, marginally more respectable student publications - it's certainly a role i'm enjoying a lot, although i haven't done much research into the professional publishing industry yet. it's on the backburner until i pull my life together enough to properly research career options there.

alternatively, the one thing that has always been my go-to dream job since i was a kid is just 'writer'. i love writing fiction and poetry, i have spent at least some of my free time each week writing whatever comes to mind for as long as i can remember. i have a big fantasy project on the go at the moment that i don't really talk about on this blog, but i do now have the beginnings of a world anvil page talking about it which is linked in my pinned post. i'm not banking on it or considering it as a very reliable option, but i will keep slowly and lovingly building it until it's ready to share, and then i'll simply see what happens next.

(if it took off though, i would drop everything else in my life like a hot plate and live out my silly little childhood dream to its fullest potential. tween magnus deserves some justice in this life.)

anyways - TL;DR now:

jobs i'm personally interested in:

academia/professional scholar

museum curator or conservator

archaeology

archivist

librarian

literary translator

something in the publishing industry idk

writer

general history-degree-related advice:

there are more options out there than just teaching which are directly related to the field of history. the more you dig into your area of interest, the more weird and whacky jobs you never expected to exist will crop up on your radar - i'm sure there are plenty of obscure things i've missed out here. unless you become a tenured professor or senior curator or secure a job at a particularly fancy/prestigious institution, none of these jobs pay particularly well, and academia especially is known for treating everyone who isn't a tenured senior academic like mud. therefore you pretty much have to be in these jobs out of passion rather than a desire to live comfortably and with above-average financial success. finally, most people i know at university, regardless of their field, aren't aiming to find careers directly relevant to said fields (apart from like, med students and lawyers and that kind of thing). especially in the humanities. none of us really know what we're doing. if you're comfortable studying these subjects for the pure passion and joy of it, fantastic, i'm right there the same with you - if you want something that has a more stable degree-to-career progression, humanities right now probably aren't top subjects. there's a whole ongoing cultural debate about how criminally undervalued humanities degrees and jobs are, and i hope that soon we'll see some tangible results from this - among them that all of the jobs i've listed above will be marginally better paid, and junior academics better treated within their fields.

history is wonderful. come join us. (also if anyone else doing humanities has points or advice that i've missed out, please feel free to add them, my scope of experience is still very limited)

[copperpieceharlot]

Bud I’m sorry to swing into your inbox uninvited like this but my soul is having an OOTS renaissance thanks to your content in the tag and did you say Leverage AU

haha holy SHIT this got Long. but yes. i’ve been. Thinking. (also literally Never feel like you have to apologize for sending me messages. i was Hoping someone would ask me about this. now i have an Excuse to share EVERYTHING ive written abt it :3)

Obviously, Roy is the leader/brains of the outfit. He grew up having some Strong Opinions abt what’s Legal versus what’s Right due to tragic backstory involving the death of his little brother which was definitely SOMEONE’S fault for negligence but since there technically wasn’t any illegal behavior, there were no consequences for it. Also he’s still angry at his dad bc he thinks his dad is also partly culpable (and also also just a dick). He’s the Moral Backbone of the team (alongside Durkon, more on that later) in basically the same way Nate was in og Leverage. He’s actually not the best at figuring out what people want (that’s Haley and, shockingly, occasionally Elan), but once he has that info, he is the absolute best at figuring out the ideal plan of attack to use in any given case.

Haley is still a thief. I mean she maps to Parker almost PERFECTLY. Her dad was a thief & a conman, her mom wasn’t but knew about it and mostly accepted it, but she died tragically in a mugging gone wrong or smth, which made Ian crank the paranoia WAY up and taught Haley to do the same in the name of “safety”. Let’s keep the “Ian is in Trouble and Haley needs money, Fast” which is why she signs on to the first job in the first place. She’s less acrobatic than Parker, tending towards finding (or making) weak spots in security, but she can still make a tumble check when she needs to.

Elan is the grifter who is somehow an Idiot but also not???? It baffles everyone. When he’s playing a part for a con, he’s FLAWLESS, but then the rest of the time he’s just. No Thoughts Head Empty. He probably gets lured in initially because he’s decided to try his hand at being part of a full team, rather than the two-man cons he’s been running that invariably end w his partner conning him as well and stealing half of his take. Also he likes the idea of being Crime Friends. He’s that tweet where it’s like, Roy: “after the heist is over, we split up and never communicate again” / Elan: [about to unveil his Crime Buddies Forever Friendship Quilt Puppets]: “never?”

Vaarsuvius is the hacker/gadget person. They have a Vaguely Snobby Yet Unidentifiable accent, dyed(?) purple hair (nobody has ever seen their roots) and nobody knows who they “really” are or where they came from, but they’re good at what they do so everyone just accepts the mystery. They probably got suckered into the team by their initial employer (who I’ll get to Eventually, lol) framing it as a challenge to their intellect, like, “oh, I see, you’re not smart enough to make this team work for you...” to which they were like Fucking Watch Me and also melted his computer. Anyways. They are joined (digitally) by their Intrepid Friend And Co-Conspirator (his words, not theirs), a fellow hacker known only as Blackwing, or, on certain forums, Blackwing_Bird. (In the first season, V only occasionally references him when saying they’re “calling in extra help” or smth for a particularly complex hack job. He starts showing up a little more in s2 and eventually by the start of s4 is a regular & established presence, but only appears as actions in a computer interface or output.) Elan is convinced he’s an AI, Belkar doesn’t think he actually exists, Haley pretends she doesn’t think he exists, and Durkon and Roy try not to think about it too hard, as long as B and V still get the job done.

Belkar is the hitter. He is on the team bc their initial employer got him out of jail for it. He doesn’t have a tragic backstory, he just likes doing violent crimes. As the series progresses, he grows some empathy & stuff, but really only for people who actually deserve it. Assholes still get decked. It’s all very touching. (Also he has dwarfism caused by achondroplasia. It doesn’t actually bother him and is useful in fights bc his opponents frequently have no fucking clue how to approach him, but he likes Pretending to take offense at stupid things just to see how far he can go with it.)

Aaaand last but not least, Durkon is the least involved member of the team. He’s actually a career criminal and Roy’s mentor, and wasn’t a member of the initial team that [redacted, I’ll tell you later, PROMISE] put together for a couple of reasons, the main one being that he’s Officially retired in order to spend more time with his family, which consists of his mom, his friend (not girlfriend) Hilgya, baby Kudzu, and a truly stunning number of aunts, uncles, and cousins. Roy frequently calls or visits him for advice and he Occasionally shows up to help out on local jobs, but generally he avoids doing crime if he can (as part of a deal with Hilgya, who is also a career criminal; basically, they’ve both cut back on the crime in order to provide a more stable home environment for Kudzu. But sometimes, you gotta do a little crime, and in those cases, Sigdi enjoys spending time w her grandson.)

NOW. THE BIG REVEAL YOU’VE BEEN WAITING FOR. Who got the team together in the first place?!

The answer: Lord Shojo (or whatever Normal Person Name you want to assign him). Now this is where it gets tricky: he had them do a thing that they thought was good, THEN they thought it was BAD, but then when they confronted him he revealed that it Appearing to be bad was actually a test of character and would they consider working as basically internal investigators for him? But then he had a heart attack, so, rip. But THEN it turned out that he’d left them a bunch of money anyway and they were all feeling kind of Inspired so they formed the Order of the Stick, LLC (which, no, i am not coming up with a new name, actually, because I just don’t care. someone else can come up w a justification for that name, tho, i’m sure it’s possible). Also Miko was there and was unhappy abt their actions, and also their general existence.

Moving on. Villains!

Redcloak is the Sterling replacement, because that DEEPLY amuses me.

Xykon is a season-long main villain, probably one that Redcloak finds himself working for but then “teams up with” (read: blackmails) the Order to bring him down bc even Redcloak finds Xykon distasteful. That’s season 3, let’s say.

Tarquin is another season villain, say season 2. Nale probably shows up pretty early in s1, actually, as another recurring antagonist like Sterling but uh. Less good at it. Anyways the s2 final 3 eps deal with them (accidentally) discovering that Tarquin runs some Evil Empire Company, then trying to outplay him and take him down. Idk if Nale still dies in this version tbh.

Tsukiko is a one-off s1 villain who returns briefly in s4 alongside Miko, who has gone well and truly off the rails.

Season 1 finale has to do w Roy finally getting Vengeance for his little brother.

The vampire squad is the s4 finale villain who do smth terrible to Durkon and then get the Mother Of All Revenge served up to them by the Order.

I envision the show as being 5 seasons (like og Leverage) but I’m not going to sketch out s5 because I think it should be based off whatever happens in the current story arc, possibly involving some legacy of the OotSquiggle.

Other stuff!

The Order of the Squiggle is a legendary criminal team from the 60s who stole a BUNCH of famous shit & then proceeded to legendarily implode. This has no bearing on the plot I’ve sketched out, I just think it’s fun.

The Sapphire Guard members should probably be reworked as FBI. I don’t care about most of them but I do think that Lien and O-Chul could be like, FBI agents who Choose to look the other way while the Order does their very-much-not-legal-but-still-fair Justice Crime, and maybe even help them out on occasion.

So, the Final season-by-season outline, based on everything I’ve written so far:

s1 e1: getting the team together, doing a con for Shojo, then at the end he dies and the gang is like “dang what now?" and intend to split up except then they Don’t.

mid-s1: Nale shows up and tries to trick the Order, but then gets beat like a drum.

late s1: Tsukiko is an underling of the Villain Of The Week, winds up in police custody. But She’ll Be Back.

s1 finale: Roy’s Vengeance: The Vengeaning. also we meet Redcloak as an antagonist.

s2 e1: the truth abt Haley’s father comes out

early s2: The Two Live Crews Job but it’s the Order vs the Linear Guild and the Linear Guild ARE all bad guys.

mid-s2: Redcloak returns. ugh.

late s2: the sapphire guard FBI makes its first appearance, hello O-Chul and Lien.

s2 pre-finale: once again they’re in conflict w Nale over smth, he spends the whole episodes making Cryptic Remarks, they basically beat him (like a drum!) but then the stinger at the end is that Tarquin reveals himself and Elan is like “Dad?!”, roll credits.

s2 finale, part 1: Elan is hanging out w Tarquin bc he’s DEEP in Denial, the Rest of the team tries to take Tarquin down, but it doesn’t work.

s2 finale, part 2: Elan finally gets a clue and they manage to beat Tarquin. still haven’t decided if Nale dies or not, but I’m leaning towards yes. also they rescue Haley’s dad.

s3 e1: fuck dude idk.

early s3: Redcloak shows up, AGAIN, everyone groans. he has blackmail on them, he wants them to take Xykon down.

mid s3: The Rashomon Job but it’s about stealing the Talisman of Dorukan and it turns out that Nale was there too (“oh!” Elan says. “I was wondering why I looked so weird in all those mirrors! But it wasn’t my reflection, it was Nale’s!” “Sweetie, that wasn’t Nale’s reflection,” says Haley. “Huh,” says Elan, “so the mirrors were broken?”, cue eye rolling from everyone else.), and the Successful thief was Hilgya, who’d nabbed it from the owner before it even went on display.

s3 finale: they beat Xykon, actually factually, because he deserves to get his ass Thoroughly kicked, even if only in AU form. Lien and O-Chul are there, so are some other less helpful FBI people. There’s a bit where O-Chul Exact Wordses his way out of telling his superiors about the Order’s less legal activities without technically lying. King shit.

s4 e1: doesn’t really matter. maybe smth to do w some legacy of Tarquin’s company to set up the drama w Malack & Durkon later.

early s4: Durkon gets SENT TO PRISON. Malack approaches the Order abt this because sure they have Different Ethics but they’re still Friends. (Roy is surprised and a little hurt that he’s never heard of Malack, but he ignores that in favor of Let’s Get Whatever Fuckers Did This To Our Friend.)

immediately after that: Miko and Tsukiko return as a Team, preventing the Order from working on the Durkon situation

mid s4: Redcloak makes another unexpected & unwelcome appearance but he’s maybe a little less of a dick? the Order collaborates with Malack & his Crime Buddies (hello, Vector Legion) to pull one over on him tho, because “less of a dick” does not mean “a pleasant or decent person”, and also he was mean abt Durkon being in jail, so he totally deserved it. he still gets whatever he wanted tho, just takes a blow to his pride. also prevents the Order from helping Durkon. they’re having a LOT of setbacks wonder why that could be, not to make sure the season fills its whole length or anything, no sirree

s4 finale: something something taking down the organization, headed by Hel (yes that’s her real name), which framed Durkon for their Big Crime. Durkon goes free and Extra Firmly retires, For Good, He Swears, but says he “met someone new” who might be an asset.

s5 e1: minrah joins the team! and the episode is set in like, somewhere really snowy. that’s all i got.

the rest of s5: don’t know, don’t care, it’s open-ended until the comic finishes up.

[kingofthewilderwest]

As of this month, it’s been ten years since I graduated high school. Been thinking about what those ten years have meant, and in the process, I stumbled across Linked In profiles (among other things) of old classmates who I didn’t stay in touch with. 

Given as I was one of the AP crowd, most of my old friends were academically motivated, science-oriented folks, and their current occupational achievements look impressive. PhDs, conferences, awards, scholarships, fancy jobs, yada yada, you name it, my classmates are doing it.

I was valedictorian. Very success-driven at the time. I struggled to make friends for many reasons, including the fact people often saw me as my grades rather than a person to befriend. People (including myself) expected me to charge off and become one of those Successful High Achieving Folks in the adult world.

That’s how my college journey started, but it’s not how it ended. During the first year of my PhD, I realized I was miserable and had resigned myself to a lackluster fate. I had panic attacks every week. I hated conducting research, I was overburdened teaching college courses, I didn’t relate to my colleagues, and I felt like I had to sell my soul to science to continue my academic path. 

But I didn’t care enough for my own field to dedicate my life’s energies to it. Linguistics was “cool,” but I’d picked it because it was “cool enough” I’d be able to have a career in it without becoming bored... not that I was obsessed about learning the latest novel discoveries. I was driven to traditional notions of career success primarily because I wanted a stable income, a stable life, but I realized academia was wearing me out and infiltrating my happiness rather than allowing a secure future I’d be happy in. Financial and career stability meant nothing if it meant this painful psychological instability. Even career stability looked iffy in the extremely competitive, often poorly paid scholastic world. At the time I’d believed I was hard-working enough I could bludgeon my way through unlikely statistics, but I’d be working my ass off for peanuts, if I was “lucky.” My psychological well-being wasn’t worth this.

So in early 2016, I flunked myself out of my PhD program and quit.

I’d always been prideful, too prideful, and in leaving academia, I left behind the core source of my pride. I was humbled. I struggled. I was a mess. I rethought my identity. I changed a lot. My values and priorities changed a fuckton. Sometimes I was miserable, I constantly fought mental illness, but in all this, I knew I felt better than I would have if I’d stuck with the PhD program.

It’s true academia still got me to where I am now, but what I have now is nothing special, glamorous, noteworthy, awards-worthy, or impressive. Compared to my old high school buddies, I am very “unimpressive.” I have been working remote linguistics contracts as my income. The job is “lower rung,” doesn’t require much thought or attention. But that allows me to spend all my spoons on other things I love. I can think about and engage with hyperfixations. I can spend time reading books on other subjects than my job (something impossible to do when I was in grad school). I can listen to music or watch movies in the background in my pajamas gorging on M&Ms and I can choose my schedule, meaning I can sleep in every day as late as I fucking want, and take breaks or walks or days off any time I spontaneously feel like it. I don’t spend time with other hardcore scientists or academics. It’s really completely out of my life.

I used to shut people up and one-up them by my academic “betterness.” I used to try to gain power over people that way. Every once in a while that shitty habit reemerges, but it’s increasingly less often. Now I don’t want people to know my background at all. I barely remember it, and I get weirded out when I remember all those college degrees I chased after. I can’t call them meaningless sheets of paper because they got me my current job, but they’re the next thing to meaningless sheets of paper as far as my values are concerned.

I’ve found what I need and I’ve found what I like. When I was a kid, sometimes I wished I was “normal” academically because then I wouldn’t have felt ostracized from classmates or unable to relate to them. I’ve found that normal. Everyone else is more skilled than me, more honed, more accomplished, and that’s okay. I’m nothing special and I truly believe it. I’m nothing special and I’m comfortable and content with it. I’m just a lower middle class bloke fighting rent like everyone else in this fucking town and that’s all I need to be. 

My life is enriched by many hobbies, banjo and record collecting and music research and video gaming and doing art and text roleplaying and more. My life isn’t about my job at all, and my job has very little pressure or stress. I’m increasingly happier and stabler every year.

When I see my old classmates’s impressive records, I feel slightly uncomfortable. There’s a few small twinges of anciently-ingrained jealousy, but those twinges don’t last long. Mostly, I feel discomfort that that is what I could have been, and it looks... undesirable. I’m colliding against a culture I profoundly don’t relate to anymore.

I feel like I dodged a big damn fucking bullet.

I’m not what people thought I’d become, and that’s the greatest relief ever.

[flow-green]

19-08-2021

 “I think I’ve never had more chaotic year than this one,” I confessed one evening when we drove in a car somewhere. My SO gave me a warm look and I checked to the back seat where my Charlie-baby was sleeping. If somone would have told me year and a half ago that 2021 will be a true turnaround in my life, when I will throw away all the life chains and take full control, I would have rolled mye eyes and gotten back to my endless vicious circle of career. I think ever since 17-years old I have followed the norms the society has set up: graduate high school, sprint through university, meanwhile make sure you work so you won’t get drowned in depts, get a job for your field of interest, in the meantime take some loan for some random house and if you have a moment, please, make some babies. Ever since I was a child, I knew right away: that’s not me. I don’t know what it is that makes me want to break these frames. But, oh well, there is no point to raise my voice for my own good as all the other people around me are nicely stable in the system. Some of my exes are on the same line: if you are not a parent by age 31 and do not own a gorgeous house in the suburbs while paying a sickly huge loan, meanwhile ignoring your family, friends and hobbies to make ends meet just so you could work yourself to deah by age 40, then you are a loser.

Few weeks ago in Saaremaa, while tipping my toes and feet into the warm and comforting waters of Estonian sea, I realized where I have drifted with my life. Only now I have started to realized that, f**k me sideways, I am actually a living human being. A LIVING person. I LIVE.

About 2 months ago, near summer solstice, I finally felt the finalizing ticking in my brain that pushed me gently to the edge of unknown. “Will you?” the life asked and motioned me to jump. “Or will you stay here forever, wondering what’s down there?” And so, with shivering hands, I clicked ‘send’ button on the mail that delivered my resignation letter to my boss. Done. Over half a year full of mental terror and a slow suicide will come to an end. At this point I had insane regrets. How am I supposed to throw away an opportunity and 6-year long career just because I do not want to live anymore? Now you’re probably thinking I am being a drama queen and overexaggerating. Oh, dear god, no. There were days, where everything started to tumble down in one go: my love life, my family relations, friends and work relations. On these days I switched myself and my phone off, listened to some serious melancholic tunes, sat alone for hours or drove around with a car and now, admitting for the first time: I hoped that something will happen and I do not need to live here anymore. I admitted this once also in my therapy, that I have frozen up while driving, not really giving a damn about my leg on gas pedal and about the speed.

I am once again a fat, useless, lazy, clumsy, slow and unorganized. Blessed with sore black eyes, a girl with unstable nervs and flaked nails. And all this just to give myself to a work which does not appreciate any sacrifices I make.

And I did it. This is MY life. My path and my decision, I ain’t going anywhere and even if I do, I’ll go with a smile on my face and as a queen for a day.

Few days ago I realized with full heart that this was one of the most important decisions in my life. I went for a run, as I have started to pick it up again. I went and set a goal to run approx 20 minutes. I had time. No rush. Only responsibility waiting for me was one project to improve a home page of our fresh company, but there was no strict deadline nor a passive aggressive boss-lady stalking my every move and making sure I am around even off-hours. So, my 20 minute run became to a 1 hour run, which was successful, nicely progressive and easy. I enjoyed every minute, because I was present. I had nowhere to hurry. I did not worry about the future or the past. I was just excisted. And I breathed.

I think I have cried more this year than in total for all past years. In my 9 to 5 appartment cubical lifestyle I always pushed away everything that demanded at least some movement out of comfort zone. For exaxmple I always closed in when my ex partner had an idea to do some changes. Well, true, his changes did not comply with my dreams. I did not want to get a huge loan to buy a house and sprint out 2 babies just because ,,Martin and Marge had their second kid in their gorgeous house and Martin is only 1 year older than me.” OK, is nice for them I guess? Every time these silly arguments started to come up, I switched myself off into my safety bubble, all alone. I let no emotions, chaotic situatons to influence myself and I just slowly flew on my laid down path, with eyepatches on. I always knew I want something different. I wanted to fight and be heard. Every time there was a conflict at work, with a friend or family member or with a partner, I eliminated it in the early stages and just ignored the rest.

And when these eyepatches were finally removed, everything else followed. I had no pink glasses or filters for emotons. Real life was there for me, but not always in a bad way. Real life offered everything, you only had to have guts to reach out and take it, with all its plusses and minuses. Take it, dominate, take responsibility, but don’t just float by. Get yourself togeter, notice, do, learn and experience. If not now then... when?

This half of a year has thrown so many obstacles and opportunities on my way and I have caught most of them. I guess one of the most difficult period was spending some insane time at a house in the middle of nowhere, without any water or normal comforts. This has made me appreciate small benefts of our everyday life.

I think I have mentioned this earlier as well, that February and March were probaby the hardest months this year. I was given a challenge to overcome and boy, it was tough. Namely, I got pregnant. As a woman who has never wanted to become a mom due to several and long reasons which I will not discuss today, I was in a cocmplete shock. I felt happy, scared, angry. Why now? Universe has its twisted sense of humour and it turned out that the pregnancy is not carriable for medical reasons and abortion is a must. I did not have a single day to stay home and mourn and endure grief. Oh, no, they needed me back to work ASAP. So I ignored the pain of loss and carried on with even more enormous work tempo to keep up. This period started a chain reaction which pulled me cruelsomely to the edge of the cliff. Work does not sleep, it waits impatiently. Even on these two horrible days I had to go through with the process, I did some work since I had become irreplacable.

All the emotions sealed up just blasted out as soon as some smaller bebble hit my bicycle. I cried hysterically, screamed. There were no days where my eyes weren’t bloodshot and with dark underlines.

In some sort of a sick twisted way I felt good, since I was needed, everything depends on me and I am sure it will get paid off nicely in the end when I have worked until my nose bleeds. In this tunnel vision I did not realize that skipped recovery and unresolved grief had made me this maniacal, delusional self-centered zombie, who lived for her workdays. All my free time I spent worrying about next work day. I did not notice anymore how my mom is doing, how are my friends and what is my partner up to. Every time we went off to one of our van trips I just existed somewhere in my thoughts about how much there is still to do. And it’s even more sadder, that I did not even notice myself anymore in the free world.

“Yea, but how would you go on?” was the main question I was asked when with a shaky voice I admitted that I need to quit my job right now and don’t want to take such responsibilities for a while now, only for myself. Everyone can do it. If there is a will, there is a way.

I am happy that I have at least won almost the entire battle with eating disorder, although I have to admint I am not proud over the inner criticizm about my body, which has grown 8 kg heavier since last summer. This means I still have days I hide under baggy clothes and just wait until these dark thoughts pass. There are days where I absolutely veto going to the beach because ‘it’s cold’. Actually I am reminding myself of that year where I had a killer six-pack, hip bones and tiny bikinies fit me so well, but now I look more like a curvy, slightly soft female not nearly showing signs of being physically active. Although, I am now in that golden zone where my weight is not going up nor down almost at all, no matter how much or little or what kind of foods I eat (plant based always of course). I guess it is positive, my body has found it’s perfect zone, but I--- don’t really like it. This mentality here is something now that I have to work with, with all my spare and peaceful time.

Since 25 July I am (f)unemloyed. And happy. I have made sure that I will be secured, will not be homeless and have food and I have a first step of a plan prepared. Priority for now is to help myself out of this destructive black hole that influences not only me but other close ones as well.

I don’t have black shadows under my eyes anymore. I sleep deep, without any random wake ups, I finally have time and motivation to cook, bake and test out recipes that have been collecting dust since forever. From day to day I get back to introduce myself to my long lost hobbies like kite surf, reading, writing, drawing and yoga.

I have finally startrd to realize that next to me there are people that I love unconditionally and to whom I have shown insanely rude attitude. Have you ever felt that re-falling in love again? I am currently feeling it with tripple multiplications, because I have once again fallen in so much love with my dog, my boyfriend and my hero on this topsy-turvy road, my family, friends and life itself.

I will not even take a glance anymore to that 100 promises I made earlier this year. Life is just so much different with completely new challenges. If anything, then I can mark this time period here as my new and fresh chapter for my life.

[liam-93-productions]

Nearly five years ago, I saw One Direction live. Twice, on consecutive nights – on the first two dates of their On the Road Again world tour. Once was for work, to review the show. The other was for the sheer, heady, sugar-rush pleasure.

I was, I’ll admit, a little on the old side for a Directioner, even then. Most of the 45,000-odd crowd was much younger – not that that you would necessarily be able to tell from the saucy suggestions on their homemade signs. “I don’t want to draw attention to them,” Liam Payne had said fussilyon stage.

It was an on-brand comment for the then-21-year-old Payne, who, had the harried, slightly anxious energy of a father-of-four at Disneyland. And no wonder: it was clear, even to me, that Zayn Malik had checked out, barely bothering to conceal his rolling eyes. He would be gone within the month, marking the beginning of the end (or “indefinite hiatus”) for the biggest boy band in the world.

“It was a point where every day, you didn’t know whether it was going to be the end,” says Payne, sitting in the offices of his PR company in central London. “It was so touch and go, at every single show. I was slowly losing the plot.”

Now 26 and almost totally tattooed, Payne has a new album on which he raps about getting rowdy on Bacardi and being “free” from 1D. At the same time his very-nearly-naked form is plastered on buses and train stations in a provocative ad campaign for Hugo Boss.

Yet Payne is as polite and agreeable as if he were talking to his best friend’s mother. He is tired he says after an energetic early morning music video shoot. “There was a trampoline involved,” he says, sucking on his silver Juul. “It was hell – but it will look great.”

Gym beast and sex symbol are relatively new tags. His role as the diplomat of the group was established from the time they were first assembled from five solo applicants on The X Factor in 2010.

Payne auditioned when he was just 14, but was told by Simon Cowell to “come back in two years”. He did – and, eyes serious beneath his enormous fringe, blew the judges away with a brassy rendition of Cry Me a River.

Growing up in Wolverhampton, he had been a talented cross-country runner – making the reserve list for the British Olympics team. But a fan of Usher, Justin Timberlake and Chris Brown, he was drawn to singing as “the thing that made my parents proudest”. His backup plan, had he not got through on X Factor, was to follow his father into an aircraft fitting factory.

Once grouped in One Direction it took the five boys, then between 16 and 19, to pull together. “At the start we couldn’t get past our own egos,” says Payne. There would be fights over who got to sing what part, and even personal style. “Everybody had their own little thing – it was like having four older brothers.”

Payne went on to write songs for the group, contributing to two-thirds of their 2014 album Four (arguably their best) and even earning a production credit on 2015’s Made in the AM. But in the early days he would be the one to sing the opening part because, he was told at the time, he “used to settle everybody”.

Payne says he was a more experienced performer than the other boys, and a “bit more mature” – which he puts down to spending more time with his dad than his peers, and being so focused on a career in showbusiness. “I’d lived a different lifestyle from 14 to 16. Most kids try alcohol and experiment – I never did any of that because I thought there’s a chance that I might make it.”

Management took advantage of this, he says, telling him his “very specific role” in the group was to keep the rest in line. “I was like, that’s great, innit – because then everyone in the band thinks I’m a dick.” He remembers one of the band’s first hotel stays. “We’ve got plates being thrown out the window, mattresses being ridden down the stairs, and I’m getting calls from the manager saying: ‘You need to sort it out’.”

It wasn’t lost on the fans. Where Malik and Styles were the heartthrobs, Payne says he was classed as Mr Boring. “When you’re at the stadium, and if you get the least screams, it’s like: ‘For fuck’s sake.’”

After a year playing 1D-Dad he gave up and learned to have fun. “If you can’t beat them, join them” – at which point, he notes wryly, the band’s public image became more cheeky and carefree. “And the more fun we had, the more successful it got.”

He recalls performing to sold-out stadiums night after night, seeing “hundreds” of iPhones being thrown onstage in the vain hopes of their being returned with a selfie. “It’s like the kids just lost their minds.”

“There were parts of it that were a bit shit, like there is with anything,” he says, “and there were parts of it that was just euphoria.”

He recalls seeing 15,000 fans camped outside his hotel room in Lima, Peru. Security had advised them to stay inside all day, and because “they were the adults, we thought they were in charge. Then over time we started to figure out that they weren’t, and that’s when we used to run off.”

Yet the adrenaline peaks of performing, followed by long troughs of tedium, were akin to a drug addiction, says Payne. He turned to alcohol. “Doing a show to however many thousands of people, then being stuck by yourself in a country where you can’t go out anywhere – what else are you going to do? The minibar is always there. ”

For a time, he was also taking an epilepsy drug as a mood stabiliser that he says affected his cognitive functioning under certain lights. Payne says he had been well advised to take it, to counter the “erratic highs and lows” he was experiencing – “I just needed a little bit of help to keep me stable” – “but under certain lights on stage or during interviews, I wouldn’t be able to tell them my name”.

The day we meet, Payne has made headlines for telling Ant Middleton on the pair’s Sky One show that the loneliness of fame had “almost nearly killed” him. When Middleton asked Payne if he had ever wanted to act on those feelings, Payne said that he had: “100%”.

He is not inclined to discuss this today, “because it’s a bit dark,” he says, a touch brusquely – “but yeah, it was very touch and go at times”. This was both in 1D and afterwards, he clarifies. As One Direction got bigger and bigger, he says, “I was like: ‘I don’t really know how to deal with this’. Once you start, you can’t really press the stop button.”

The “indefinite hiatus” button, though, was easier – in mid-2015, four months after Malik’s departure, the band made the decision together. “It was a little bit dark and twisted towards the end of it,” says Payne, “but the last few shows were really beautiful moments because the pressure cooker had been let off.

“It was almost like counting down to holiday – we were going to wake up that Monday morning with no schedule.” Afterwards Payne was in therapy for two years, and took six months off. “It was difficult at the start, because I didn’t really know anything about myself. It was a bit of a numb feeling.”

(...)

That schedule is about to get busier, with Payne’s debut album as a solo artist finally out this Friday. Laden with chart-friendly trop house, trap and Latin pop influences, LP 1 plays like a water cannon aimed at commercial radio – there is even a Christmas song.

It has been a long lead-up: the first single, Strip That Down, was released nearly two years ago and established Payne as the 1D member most influenced by contemporary hip-hop – perhaps too much so. A picture he posted to Instagram of himself in February 2018 wearing a chain necklace, flipping the bird and bragging about travelling by private jet was quietly deleted following ridicule.

Amid the success of Strip That Down, which was streamed over 1bn times, Payne was also still “struggling” with alcohol: “I just hid it very well.” He went on to spend an entire year sober – a necessary if boring step. “My social life completely plummeted. I always feel like you never get past the awkward first 10 minutes at a party, when everyone’s like: ‘Do we get up and dance, or do we just sit here?’ I don’t know whether it made me happier, but it was definitely needed.”

His more recent stint of self-discipline was to prepare for his nude photo shoot with model Stella Maxwell for Hugo Boss. In the lead-up, he was in the gym between “five and eight times a week, sometimes twice a day” and eating mostly chicken and vegetables – with no carbohydrates after 2pm and nothing at all after 8pm. For the last “stripping” phase, he ate nothing but porridge and white fish for a month. “It was horrible – but it definitely works.”

The shoot had been his idea, inspired by campaigns featuring David Beckham and Mark Wahlberg – Payne’s role models, whose cross-disciplinary celebrity shapes his own career goals. Last year he auditioned in front of Steven Spielberg for a part in next year’s West Side Story remake, and has been submitting audition tapes irregularly since. “It’s just trying to manage the time in between (...), singer, model and whatever.”

Between the trap beats, tighty-whities and tattoos is he attempting to put across a new, more grown-up image? “Oh yeah, definitely.”

In One Direction, he was “Mr Vanilla – no one wanted to know a thing”. Then, with the “chain and rapper phase … I didn’t really know what I was aiming for, but it was actually exactly where we are right now. I just needed to find the right keys to make me feel like the man I wanted to be.”

Which is, he jokes, is “like a really English Magic Mike”. Do you like being objectified, I ask? “I think it’s quite funny,” says Payne, clearly delighted. The other day, he says, someone sent him a picture of an old lady walking past an enormous blown-up poster of him in his pants. Not bad for Mr Vanilla, I say. “Exactly.”

Liam Payne’s debut album LP1 is out on Friday 6 December

[thezodiaczone]

Aquarius Compatibility

AQUARIUS + ARIES (MARCH 21 - APRIL 19) ♥♥♥♥ You're laugh-a-minute friends who make a fine comedic duo, but the romance isn't as hearty as your side-splitting guffaws. You're amazed by how quickly the other delivers a hilarious comeback or a clever opinion, and it turns you on. Banter leads you to the bedroom fast, where the sex is playful and experimental (though not heavy on the emotional connection). It's as though you've met your twin; and alas, you may soon feel more like siblings than lovers. After a couple weeks, the Bickersons sideshow routine gets old, especially for Aries, and you run out of things to talk about. While casual Aquarius likes to keep the conversation light, Aries has intense, brooding spells that demand way too much emotional attention. For Aquarius, problems are solved with steely logic or left alone, but Aries is unable to curb obsessive thinking, which drives Aquarius mad. Your styles of affection are different, too. Cool Aquarius gets overwhelmed by the Ram's passion and physicality—there's way too much touching, grabbing and kissing for the airy Aquarian temperament. If you're determined to be together, push yourselves to go beyond platonic borders by traveling, taking classes, even performing on stage together. Closeness breeds more ennui than affection. Cultivate mystery through time apart. Your independent signs need to develop your own lives, then reunite with thrilling tales from the road.

AQUARIUS + TAURUS (APRIL 20 - MAY 20) Your signs have so little in common, it's hard to make a go of this. Old-fashioned Taurus craves tradition, order and security. Rebel Aquarius is an oddball who lives to defy rules and convention. Taurus is an Earth sign who plants deep roots; Air sign Aquarius is an adventurous nomad who goes wherever the wind blows. While you may start out fascinated by each other, the magic ends faster than you can say "pixie dust." Taurus will quickly offend Aquarius with his heavy-handed opinions and staunch political views. Free-spirited Aquarius will flee from the Bull's possessive grip, which only clenches tighter the more Aquarius flits about. Then there's the matter of your social circles, which rarely overlap. Aquarius habitually befriends the most eccentric people—the corner wino who's solved the string theory, the local fortune teller, his bus driver. While Taurus may humor these characters in passing, all hell breaks loose when Aquarius invites his tribe of wayward souls to spend the weekend, or to sleep on the couch "until they get their act together." Not on Taurus' leather club chair and alpaca throw pillows! You can try to compromise, but you'll only end up short-changing your natural gifts. Aquarius rules the zodiac's eleventh house of friends and society; he's the unofficial mayor wherever he goes, and is meant to spread himself among the people. Homebody Taurus has much more earthbound goals. Neither of you will get the satisfaction you crave unless you work hard to compromise.

AQUARIUS + GEMINI (MAY 21 - JUNE 20) ♥♥♥♥ This match of compatible Air signs can feel a bit like high school romance—teasing, texting, movie dates with jumbo popcorn and licentious groping during the previews. You bring out each other's breezy, buoyant spirits, and that's a plus. You'll bond over TV shows, favorite sci-fi novels and superheroes, obscure philosophers, music. With your clever comebacks and verbal repartee, you could take a comedy act on the road. Although you can both be overly cerebral at times, you prefer laughter and light conversation to emotional melodrama. Eventually, though, you need to get out of the shallow end of the pool. Intimacy is a challenge for your signs. We're talking true intimacy—being caught with your pants down and no clue how to get them back up. Telling each other your entire life stories in monologue form (which could have happened on the first date) doesn't count. You must soldier through the post-infatuation "awkward phase," or you'll end up feeling like buddies. That would be a shame, as you can make excellent life partners and playmates. The biggie: you'll both need to give up fibs and lies—particularly lies of omission. You're excellent storytellers and politicos, gifted at crafting a spin to fit your agenda. However, the naked truth is the only way out of the Matrix. Though it may topple your PR-friendly public image, it's a necessary risk you must take to build the character and depth of a lasting commitment.

AQUARIUS + CANCER (JUNE 21 - JULY 22) This oddball match is as fascinating and perplexing as a Proenza Schouler pump—and like the highbrow fashion house, few understand its power. Here we have Cancer, sentimental and family-oriented, possessive, anchored by deep roots and tradition. Mix in Aquarius, the sci-fi nomad, a butterfly escaping the net of convention, laughing with you and at you all at once. How on earth…? This is a coupling that doesn't happen often, and for good reason. Cool Aquarius doesn't need much affection, and Cancer withers without physical touch. The Crab clutches his loved ones in powerful pincers, and scuttles after Aquarius, practically begging for love. Naturally, free-spirited Aquarius feels smothered and trapped by these demands for intimacy, and constructs little trap doors everywhere—a basketball team, a drama class, a post on city council. Yet, when wounded Cancer withdraws into his shell, Aquarius is suddenly intrigued. Where did my lifeline go? What Aquarius takes for granted is Cancer's loyalty, which can resemble a mother's love for her troubled teen. The Crab can see the vulnerable child underneath the surly bravado. Beyond that, you owe each other a karmic debt so profound, you can't even articulate it. Explains one Aquarius, who's been with her Cancer mate for 35 years: "I've learned that sometimes you have to do what the other person likes, even if you don't like it." In other words, if you want to stay together, eat your broccoli. You'll certainly grow in spirit and character. Sometimes, your soul needs a challenge more than a smoothly-paved road.

AQUARIUS + LEO (JULY 23 - AUGUST 22) These opposite signs can be volatile match. Leo is the sign of the self, a born star and showstopper who commands attention wherever he goes. Aquarius rules the zodiac's eleventh house of groups and society—he's both the class president and its rabble-rousing radical. You're competitive spotlight-grabbers who can fight dirty, especially as you jostle to outdo each other. Case in point: Leo Whitney Houston and Aquarius Bobby Brown. Their destructive, drug-addled marriage brought Whitney's singing career to its knees. Yet, Leo is a hopeless romantic filled with haughty pride, standing loyally by a mate, fiddling while Rome burns. You both spark each other's jealousy, Leo by flirting with everyone in sight, Aquarius by treating his bazillion friends as though they're on equal par with Leo (they are). Leo is needy, demanding constant attention, but cool-headed Aquarius feels smothered by too much affection and togetherness. Aquarius will listen patiently to Leo's dramas, but only to a point. Leo must keep a stable of supportive friends on hand, and not turn the relationship into an exhausting soap opera script. Aquarius will need to show a little more emotion (besides anger) and tenderness, stepping aside to allow Leo's star to shine.

AQUARIUS + VIRGO (AUGUST 23 - SEPTEMBER 22) To say you're an odd couple is an understatement—and there certainly will be odds to beat. Just figuring each other out could take years, and it might not end well. (Remember tabloid train-wrecks Charlie Sheen and Denise Richards, or Michael Jackson and Lisa Marie Presley?) Judgmental Virgo is an introverted Earth sign with a habit of thinking too much. Breezy Aquarius, a carefree Air sign, is the unofficial town mayor, best friend to everyone from the street sweeper to the CEO. While you complement each other in some ways, your lifestyles are very different. Virgo likes time alone with his books and thoughts, while social Aquarius rarely misses a party and can't be bothered to take life as seriously as Virgo does. Where can you come together? You both like to help people in need, and you're passionate about social change, especially through responsible business practices. Saving the planet is a particular passion for your environmentalist signs. You're as likely to meet at a drum circle as you are at a conference on climate control, or volunteering in the Peace Corps. In fact, this relationship is most likely to succeed if you have a larger common vision. Why not funnel your ideals into a successful enterprise? Go start an eco-village, or open a raw juice bar in an up-and-coming neighborhood—Virgo can grow organic produce in a backyard plot. It will stop Virgo from nagging and nosing into Aquarius's affairs, and will keep restless Aquarius from feeling smothered.

AQUARIUS + LIBRA (SEPTEMBER 23 - OCTOBER 22) ♥♥♥♥ You're one of the zodiac's easiest matches: just two carefree Air signs breezing through life with a full roster of friends, travels and adventures. Together, it's twice the fun. Although Libra is more the dashing diva/dandy and Aquarius the quirky Bohemian, your sunny social dispositions pair well. Every stranger is greeted by your hail-fellow-well-met embrace, and you collect friends wherever you go. Indeed, you may meet while chatting at the cheese counter, lounging poolside on the Riviera, or in a dog park scene reminiscent of an Ephron rom-com (picture Aquarius' retriever pouncing on Libra's dainty teacup terrier—what a metaphor). Your conversational chemistry guarantees a great first date, even if the prevailing vibe is platonic. If you hit it off, you'll host lavish parties with an eclectic mix of Aquarius' artsy, leftist comrades and Libra's highbrow circle, bringing them all together with panache. Caution: your casual natures can impede intimacy. In private, you can both be moody, making pouty, indirect plays for affection and sex. Aquarius is also far less romantic than Libra, at least in the traditional sense. That humanitarian bent will clash with Libra's caviar wishes (animal cruelty!) and fondness of bling (blood diamonds!). Most days, you take those differences in stride. Having a lifelong playmate is worth it.

AQUARIUS + SCORPIO (OCTOBER 23 - NOVEMBER 21) Years after their modern-day Mrs. Robinson relationship ricocheted the term "cougar" into cliché-dom, the Scorpio-Aquarius pairing of Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher can still baffle the naked eye. Scorpio is an intense, seductive creature with ruthless ambition, eagle instincts and a complicated psyche. Aquarius is a silly prankster and a cold-souled nomad who avoids emotion, then releases it in embarrassing blurts of sloppy sentiment. You're certainly an odd couple, down to your values, style and interests. Then there's the power issue to settle. Scorpio wants ultimate control over everything, while rebel Aquarius chafes at any restraint. While Aquarius is happy to hand rulership of the household to Scorpio, any breach of personal freedom will be an instant deal-breaker. Possessive Scorpio must accept that Aquarius is a social creature with friends from all walks of life, and curb the jealousy. Aquarius will need to cut off a few friends (the ex you met at a strip club, the swingers "who are actually really cool") and adopt a few of Scorpio's interests, like Kaballah for Ashton. So where's the click? Different as you are, you both prefer a mate who's hard to figure out: it staves off boredom. To keep this strong, borrow each other's strengths. Aquarius needs Scorpio's depth, and Scorpio lightens up from Aquarius' outrageous jokes and impersonations.

AQUARIUS + SAGITTARIUS (NOVEMBER 22 - DECEMBER 21) ♥♥♥♥ Sagittarius and Aquarius are two of the most free-spirited signs, whose joie de vivre and starry-eyed idealism make you perfect playmates. The "best friends with benefits" label was practically invented for you. Finally, someone who cherishes independence as much as you do! Like Sagittarius Brad Pitt and Aquarius Jennifer Aniston (who shared a hair colorist), you may even look like siblings. It's all so beautiful—until one of you messes up the party by demanding a commitment. Strangely enough, you remain loyal while the terms of the relationship are vague, sneaking out of work for mid-afternoon trysts and leaving with carpet burn. You both love the feeling of "getting away with something," the adventure of the unexpected. Yet, once it becomes an obligation rather than a choice, your libido nosedives. You've now killed off the very thing that attracted you to each other: no-strings attached excitement. Instead of trysting the night away, you're hosting Scrabble tournaments and turning in early. Boring. Because you're so alike, you'll need to work hard to keep each other interested for the long haul. Mix it up by developing separate friends, hobbies and interests—then come back and share your adventurous tales with each other.

AQUARIUS + CAPRICORN (DECEMBER 22 - JANUARY 19) This is the match of the traditionalist and the rebel, the rule-maker and the rule-breaker. Capricorn is the guardian of history, and Aquarius is an innovator who has little regard for the past. If you can meet somewhere in the present, it's sure to be interesting. Disciplined Capricorn can teach Aquarius the value of structure, and Aquarius can help Cap think outside the box. You're both competitive and controlling in your own ways, and few signs can rival your work shared work ethic. The wheeler-dealer light never switches off in either of you—you'll hand out business cards at a funeral. Still, you might be better off as professional partners, since your bedside manner is so different. Lusty Capricorn may be aloof in public, but this sensual Earth sign is a bona fide freak in the sheets. Although Aquarius may love to shock people in public, behind closed doors your interest in sex can be tepid at best. (As the ruler of electricity, gadgets may be preferable.) Socially, Capricorn can be cold or snobbish, choosing friends based on status. Popular Aquarius befriends everyone—don't be surprised if the Chinese food delivery guy ends up at the dinner table sharing your Hunan chicken. Still, Capricorn can be an important grounding force for Air-sign Aquarius, preventing you from floating off into the ether. Life is never dull with an unpredictable Aquarian.

AQUARIUS + AQUARIUS (JANUARY 20 - FEBRUARY 18) Aquarius is the sign of friendship, which would be perfect if you were looking for a platonic pal. But…you're not. Which means you're both going to have to get pretty damn uncomfortable to pass Go and enter the spine-chilling waters of commitment. Intimacy is not your strong suit, and heavy emotions make you break out in hives. Although you may have your own personal guru and swami, spirituality is just an escape hatch—a way of convincing yourself that you're "above" all those petty feelings that mere mortals have. Rather than connect deeply, you compensate with charm, impish pranks or your Obama-watt smile (he's got an Aquarius rising). Trouble is, the funny-guy shtick doesn't work with each other. There are better matches, to be sure—at least ten or eleven of them. Your only hope is working together on a shared humanitarian vision. Love could bloom as you defend labor union picket lines, toss paint on fur-wearing fashionistas, or grow your own medicinal marijuana. At least you'll have something to talk about instead of your feelings. Then…only then…you might just give this piece a chance.

AQUARIUS + PISCES (FEBRUARY 19 - MARCH 20) Old and new come together in an interesting combination. Pisces is an ancient velvet boudoir with dripping candles and fainting couches; Aquarius is a modern, steel-and-glass construction heated by solar panel. Yet, this strange match can work if it's built around a shared cause or passion. You're both die-hard humanitarians, and if you share a common vision, you'll stay together for life. Pisces is a Water sign, more emotional and complex in nature than Aquarius. Contrary to myth, Aquarius is an Air sign (not Water), though it's symbolized by the water-bearer holding an urn. The lighter Aquarian touch lifts Pisces out of the murky, depressive swamp, while enchanting Pisces adds tassels and trim to Aquarius' cold, clinical reality. You both morbidly fear being trapped in a boring, conventional commitment. Since you can never really figure each other out, the attraction stays strong. A little mystery will keep you fascinated, though too much (ahem, Pisces) will make the relationship way too much work for Aquarius.

[kassamigos]

welcome back to gallagher academy, KASSANDRA SUTTON! according to their records, they’re a FOURTH year, specializing in ADVANCED ENCRYPTION + “MACGUYVER” SURVIVAL SKILLS + NAVIGATION; and they DID go to a spy prep high school. when i see them walking around in the halls, i usually see a flash of (bouncing copper hair, a million-watt smile, a sticker-covered macbook, and green eyes rolling at her own corny jokes). when it’s the (sagittarius)’s birthday on 12/05/1998, they always request ICE CREAM CAKE from the school’s chefs. looks like they’re well on their way to graduation.

NAME: Kassandra Felicity Sutton

KNOWN AS: Kass

BIRTHDATE: December 5, 1998

ASTROLOGY:  Sagittarius sun / Cancer moon / Leo rising

HOMETOWN: Virginia Beach, VA

RESIDENCE: Roseville, VA  ( Gallagher Academy )

GENDER: Cis female ( she/her )

SEXUAL ORIENTATION:  Bisexual

HEIGHT: 5'5"

HAIR COLOR:  Brown

EYE COLOR: Green

TATTOOS: None

KNOWN LANGUAGES:  English, French, Spanish, Mandarin, German, Italian

IMMEDIATE FAMILY:

Laura Sutton: Mother, President of Gallagher Academy  ( Amy Adams FC )

Henry Edwards: Father, accountant & undercover spy, deceased  ( Chris Pine FC )

Valeria Sutton:  Younger sister, second year at Gallagher Academy ( Danielle Rose Russell FC )

background.

Kassandra Sutton was born the eldest of Laura Sutton and Henry Edwards. As a child, her favorite bedtime story had been hearing about how they had met, a chance run-in while both in Washington DC – her mother a legacy spy, and her father a simple accountant from England.  It had been a quick and steadfast love, and within a year of meeting they were married. Not long after the couple moved to Virginia Beach, where Kass and eventually her baby sister Valeria Sutton were born. Most spies keep their career a secret from their family, but Henry had been clued into the family from the start, and the two raised their daughters with the same privy information.  Knowing this had always made Kass feel like there were no secrets in their family, and that she could tell her parents everything, a trait that never seemed to leave her.

She was eight years old when her father was killed in a car crash, and it changed everything. Having done a lot of traveling throughout their early childhood, Laura now needed a job stable enough to raise her two daughters alone. So when her alma mater Gallagher Academy offers her the President position during one of the roughest times for the university, it’s hard to turn it down.  The Sutton family are given a small apartment in the mansion tucked away from where the students live, and the three of them slowly make it their home and new normal.

Despite permanently being under the same roof as their mother, Laura Sutton had come into the position with a lot of issues to fix, and she used this opportunity to dive into her work.  So Kass picked up the slack, packing lunches for her and Val and helping her sister with her homework every evening, trying to shoulder the weight for her mother as much as possible.  It caused her to grow up a little quicker than others, but she doesn’t hold any resentment towards her mother for it, because she knows Laura did all she could.  Besides, it made her bond with her sister closer than ever, and to this day Val will always be the most important person in her life. If there’s one place she knows like the back of her hand, it’s Gallagher Academy.

One of the hardest things she ever had to do was leave home ( or more specifically, her sister )   to go off to boarding school in Wyoming, practically halfway across the country.  But whereas she spent her childhood going to school with normal students and excelling leaps and bounds ahead of them, Kass enjoyed being able to be around like-minded individuals with families more similar to her own. It’s there that she grew into herself, developing her affinity for computers and figuring out who she was outside of Val’s older sister.  It’s also when she came out as bisexual, and had her first taste of a relationship with one of her best friends.

It was a strange transition to go from being just another student in prep school to the eldest daughter of President Laura Sutton when she arrived back at Gallagher, this time as a student.  Unlike in prep school, there were a lot of students who wanted to befriend her, and Kass had a hard time trying to decipher who wanted to be her friend because of her mother’s legacy, or for her. So she worked hard to make a reputation for herself, using her knowledge of Gallagher to make others feel more welcome and at home, while making an effort never to refer to her mother as President or bringing her job into the conversation.  Everyone already knows who she is;  they don’t need Kass to remind them.

gallagher academy, third year.

The merging of Gallagher Academy and Blackthorne Institute Kass’ third year had been an unprecedented one, but unlike other Gallagher students, she had no qualms with inviting boys to the school. It was nice to see some of her old prep school friends and family friends under the same roof as her.  Learning that Blackthorne had been a school for assassins was surprising, but she didn’t think ill of those who had gone there. After all, it’s not like she had been blind to the possibility of others ending up in that field.

Spring semester was rough for Kass;  her two best friends had started seeing two boys, leaving her to feel lonely and forgotten. It didn’t help that her feelings for one of her best friends had returned, and the pressure of others constantly coming to her for advice or their problems had begun to weigh on her. The Valentine’s Day dance turned three-day lockdown only made matters worse, especially after finding out one of the two students who had been murdered was Amelia Taylor, Kass’ ex-girlfriend.

Not like after having a falling out with one of her best friends, an anonymous email is sent around campus, outing students’ parents as previous members of the Brotherhood, an organization behind the death of Amelia and the witness protection student. Imagine her surprise when her father’s name – the normal, civilian accountant – had been on that list.  Unable to cope with the betrayal she feels, Kass pushes away her friends and family, and goes off on a rebellious streak, uncharacteristically getting drunk and having a few messy hookups.

It takes Val calling her out on her shit for her to come back to reality, and Kass finally confronts her mother.  It’s only then that Laura Sutton tells her the truth:  her father had been a Blackthorne alum and Brotherhood member before working as a double agent to help take down the organization, and it was his part in the operation that had gotten him killed. ( You can read the self-para on it here. )

After the news settled, Kass was able to repair the relationships she may have strained, and the imprisonment of Amelia’s killer and the Brotherhood being defeated had her feeling more like her old self.  She’s ready for her fourth and finally year at Gallagher in the fall, and to see what the future holds.

personality.

Kass is a total nerd, spending most of her time behind her laptop screen working on hacking jobs or researching whatever her current interest is.  Her IQ isn’t abnormally high and she doesn’t have a photographic memory, but she’s quick to be able to pick things up, especially anything binary related. She is also full of useless information that she’s garnered through her many, many nights lost on Wikipedia or Reddit at three in the morning.  She’s curious to a fault, often sticking her nose where it doesn’t belong – and being able to break through firewalls and access her mother’s records certainly doesn’t hurt.

Despite being a complete dork, she is extremely personable and has the ability to make friends with just about anyone. Those who welcome her into their life have a fiercely loyal friend on their side that will always drop everything at first call. Kass is optimistic and often quick to trust people, but isn’t as naive as she appears, especially after learning the truth about her father.

She’s also a total romantic, in love with the idea of love, and loves nothing more than to assist other people in their love lives. However, when it comes to her own love life, Kass is notorious for ignoring red flags and going for the first person.  Her relationship with Amelia ended in heartbreak after not being on the same page and thinking it was more than it was, so since then she’s learned to protect her heart a little better.

Just call her a golden retriever, because she will lick just about anyone’s face and be their best friend at first meeting.

more information / headcanons:

Kass is a pretty experienced traveler, used to flying from a young age when they would visit her dad’s family in England at least once a year.  Once Val went off to prep school and the three Suttons were separated more often than not, they would plan big summer trips during Laura’s time off, visiting places like Italy, France, and Hawaii. Venice is one of her favorite destinations  ( it just seemed SO romantic ) .

Her favorite place in the world is Washington DC. The fascination started at a young age when she would daydream about her parents meeting there, but since getting older she’s grown to love all the museums and monuments and make her own memories. Her plans post-grad are to move to DC and get a cyber security job at an agency.  

She still has her childhood bedroom in her mother’s apartment, that she does visit at least once a week, mostly because her ball python named Siri lives there. She tried having Siri in her dorm her first year at Gallagher, but one of her roommates wasn’t too keen on living with a snake, so now she keeps her at her mother’s.

One of her most prized possessions is her rock collection, a mixture of different minerals and rocks, as well as rocks and sand from places she’s traveled.

She’s really big into birthdays, and all her friends of hers receive a freshly baked birthday cake from her.  They’re not made from scratch – despite enjoying baking, Kass is particularly great at it – but it’s the thought that counts !

Kass has an appetite like Jughead Jones and a diet like a Gilmore girl.

An easy way to her heart is through flowers; sunflowers are her favorites.

TL;DR:  Kass is the eldest daughter of President Laura Sutton and has lived at Gallagher Academy since she was eight years old, so she knows the place like the back of her hand.  She basically raised her younger sister Val and is an extraverted computer nerd with a thirst for knowledge ( or more accurately, useless facts ) and an optimistic approach on life, though it’s not without hardship.

current & wanted connections here

[h-styles-babes]

THREE

In the following days, Jeff and Sia worked out the flight schedule and transportation to the recording studio in Jamaica. Sia’s flight was to leave Sunday morning and there would be a car waiting for her to drive her to where everyone was to be staying for the two month duration of the project. Sia knew the whole album wouldn’t be completed in two months—it sometimes took at least half a year to get an album done, start to finish—but the goal was to get all the vocals recorded as well as most of the instrumentation before the two months was up. Of course, there’d be tweaks and changes that would happen afterward, probably pretty much up until the release date of the album, but that was to be expected.

When Sia wasn’t in the studio with Jeff and other artists, she was getting things squared away for her trip. She packed everything and made sure she had all her essentials. Since she was going to be gone for two whole months, she went to the unit across from her to ask her neighbor, Heidi, if she would be so kind as to collect her mail and make sure her plants were watered while she was away. Heidi was a woman in her early forties who lived in the flat with her husband and two cats. She was a special education middle school teacher, and she had been the first person to befriend Sia when she’d first moved to LA. Sia helped her out by watching her cats whenever Heidi and her husband were away for more than a day at a time. Back in June, the couple had gone on a three week long cruise around Europe, so Sia had their pets the entire time. Heidi had no problem returning the favour by picking up her post and watering her few plants every couple days.

In what seemed like no time at all, Sia was on her way to the airport, being driven by a service the studio had arranged for her. The drive to LAX was crazier than she remembered it being when she arrived in the states all those months ago, and she was glad she wasn’t the one driving. She could legally drive in America, but she didn’t think she’d be able to handle this level of chaos. Even London never got this bad, and she thought that traffic was a bit mental. She had no idea how Californians did this day in and day out.

By the time Sia got checked in, through security, and to her terminal, there were only a few minutes to when her flight was supposed to start boarding. She took a few minutes to sit down and get her carry-on and purse off her shoulders. She had two other bags that she was glad to have checked and out of her possession for a few hours, because they were a hassle getting through the airport, even though they took them off of her at check-in. She couldn’t imagine lugging anything else around. She had no idea how she was going to do it when she landed in Jamaica.

Within fifteen minutes of arriving at her gate, Sia was already sat in her seat, carry-on stowed away, and laptop open on some last minute work she was to get to Jeff once she got connected back to wifi as soon as she got to the studio on the island. She was technically finished with it, she just felt like it was missing a certain something, though she couldn’t put her finger on it. She just knew it was bugging her.

Sia spent the first hour of the flight working on the piece until she finally found the exact part that was bugging her. The sixteenth notes that were originally in the bridge didn’t flow well, so she dropped it to eighths, and all was right in her music world. She was able to nap happily for the following hour knowing she’d be able to send the completed file to her boss once she landed.

Landing in Jamaica in the middle of the summer wasn’t much different than leaving it in Southern California. The air was a touch muggier, but the overall weather was pretty much the same. She was glad she had opted to keep on her shorts and tank top when she got on her flight earlier. Usually she changed into a pair of sweats while she was on a plane, since the cabin was usually kept pretty chilly, but she knew it’d be hot when she landed. She plopped a baseball cap on her head and slid her sunnies on to keep the harsh sun out of her eyes. There was a driver waiting for her after she grabbed her luggage and made her way outside the airport. She greeted him kindly and thanked him for helping her with her bags.

The drive to the house/studio she’d be staying in for the next two months was a fairly long one, the home being tucked up in the jungle, just on the edge of the beach. It was a beautiful place, Sia had to admit. The structure was old but it looked like it had been well-maintained over the years. Legendary records had been recorded and produced up here; she couldn’t imagine any of the natives or people who revered music would allow the building to go to shambles with a history like it had.

The surrounding land was gorgeous too, with the natural foliage and the stream that wrapped the property. The beach was just a few yards off, far enough to keep the house on stable land, but close enough that the water was only a stone’s throw away. There were no other buildings in sight, either. They’d been outside of the city for a good ten minutes. She could see why artists liked to come out here to do their work. It was remote and quiet and there wasn’t much of a chance for interruptions outside of whoever you were working with. It was the perfect space, really. Sia couldn’t wait to spend her time here.

“Thank you, sir,” Sia told him as the driver helped her unload her bags from the boot of the car. He nodded at her with a kind smile as he departed, leaving her alone on this great property.

As far as Sia knew, there was no one else in the house. She was supposed to be the first to arrive, and if that were to have changed, she figured Jeff would have told her about it.

Speaking of Jeff, the first thing Sia did as she entered the home—aside from put her things down—was check for the wifi connection. Jeff told her there would be, since there was no way the record label was gonna shell out the extra cash it would require for them to get cell service on the island. Everyone would be able to send messages and make calls while connected to wifi, though, so no one saw the need for other service.

As soon as she’d connected, she got a message from Jeff asking if she’d made it okay. She responded back with the affirmative and asked when everyone else was to show up. He let her know that the other sound guy shouldn’t be there for a few more days, so she had the house to herself until he showed up. The artist was to be there shortly after that, so they’d get started as soon as he had gotten settled in. This was the first time Jeff had ever let it slip that the artist was male, which got her mind whirring even more. He’d obviously never made an album before, since Jeff had told her this was his first. She rattled her brain for possible men she’d heard of that had a promising career, possibly discovered on YouTube or Vine or the like. She even ran through writers that had never actually made their own music, only ever sold it to other people. She couldn’t really pin point who it was, but she supposed it didn’t matter; she’d be finding out by the end of the week, anyway.

After Sia had found a room to put her stuff down in, she ventured around the house, taking a peek at everything. She roamed around the kitchen, getting herself acquainted with where everything was at. She took a look in the fridge and saw that it was already fully stocked, all the fruits and veggies looking fresh, which suggested someone had been by to fill it, either earlier in the day or the day before. A pop into the pantry showed the same state, making her very grateful to whoever had ensured they wouldn’t be without food when they first arrived.

There were four bedrooms in the house, one being a master with an en suite. She herself had taken one of the smaller bedrooms, figuring she’d leave the master for the artist. Everything was fully furnished, and the fresh scent of everything hinted that the beds had all been recently laundered and made up.

She got to a room just off the laundry that she assumed led to the garage. She hadn’t remembered seeing a garage door when they’d driven up, but she figured she hadn’t really been looking for one. When she opened the door, however, she was confronted with the most glorious sight she’d ever seen.

A beautiful, state of the art recording studio, with quality sound boards and a large recording room she figured a whole bloody band could fit into. From the looks of things, the microphones were the best that money could buy, and her excitement for the coming two months skyrocketed.

Her flight had been at six in the morning, and it was an eight hour flight, with a two hour time difference, so her body clock wasn’t much off, thankfully. If she had made the flight from England, it would be a different story, but that wasn’t the case this time around. It was only half past seven, and she hadn’t really eaten, so she went to make herself a quick meal before deciding to unpack and settle in for the night. Since she hadn’t any really work to do the next day, she planned to find her way into the city and do a bit of exploring. She really didn’t want to be cooped up in the house all day everyday for two months, and she figured now was the only time to get out and do some adventuring before she had to get serious.

Since she got herself settled in, a certain silence seemed to settle over the house. She checked the time, and was thankful to see it was just after three in the afternoon. Which meant it was just about the time Ellen would be two glasses of wine in, with her feet kicked up on her coffee table, watching reruns of trash American reality TV in England. Possibly a face mask sitting on way too long, since she couldn’t tear herself away from the telly.

So Sia pulled her contact up on FaceTime and settled herself in her claimed bed as she waited for her best friend to answer. It rang twice before Ellen’s face appeared on the screen, a pale green mask covering her face, expect for her lips and eyes, and a stemless wine glass pressed to her lips. She grunted by way of greeting.

“This is exactly how I predicted you’d answer,” Sia chuckled. “Wasn’t disappointed.”

El stuck her tongue out at Sia, her cheeks still full of the wine she’d just sipped. She swallowed before saying, “I’d say you’re just jealous, but you’re the one in sunny Jamaica. Speakin’ of, why aren’t yeh on the beach or summat?”

“Because I’m gettin’ creeped out by the emptiness of this house and the surrounding area. ’S got a private beach, and no one else is here. It was fine when I first got here and was just exploring, but now I’m ready to just sit, and its nearly suffocating.”

Ellen rolled her eyes. “Dramatic.”

“Oi! I called you for some company, but if you’re just gonna be mean, I’ll hang up.”

El laughed at her. “You’re ridiculous. Let’s watch some telly together then. Have a cuppa, talk about our days, veg out. I’ll be fallin’ asleep in a couple hours, but at least it’ll take up a little of your time.”

“You’re the best!” Sia exclaimed, scouring the little basket of remotes that sat in the center of the coffee table. She found the one for the TV and found that it easily turned on all the necessary equipment.

Sia was thankful to find that the TV was a smart TV, and there was already someone signed into the Netflix account. She made herself a cuppa while taking El on the phone with her and settled into the couch to watch way too many episodes of Friends. Way more than El said she was going to watch and more than Sia had probably ever watched in one sitting. It was nearly three in the morning for El by the time they decided to call it a night, and while it was only nine for Sia, she’d had a long day of traveling, and she was exhausted. It was a good night, in all, and she was just tuckered out enough when she settled into the soft sheets of her bed to fall asleep in only a few minutes.

Despite her initial feelings of unease about being in the house by herself for the next couple of days, she had a good feeling about these next couple of months.

[najamulseher]

How to survive a Job you hate? (Short Blog)

How to survive a job you hate? But can’t leave yet.

Our career represents the most important aspect of our lives. Moreover, I have heard people moan and grumble about their jobs and dislike their job.

 Start reading if you wonder how to enjoy your work or at least not hate it!

Work is the central theme of many of our adult lives; we spend more than 40 hours a week, attempting to be successful in other people's business. Couple this with a society privileging — and sometimes requiring — overwork, and you're looking at a workweek closer to 60 hours. Now, imagine that you are spending all those hours in an atmosphere where you're less than happy. And, worse, you are spending your days in a place where you hate your job so much.

It's just terrifying, isn't it? Unfortunately, a lot of us had a job that we slogged through while counting down the minutes until we were able to escape. It is exhausting emotionally. It's mentally frustrating. And it's a career sinkhole. 

 Whatever the explanation for this, you're stuck.

 Are there ways of making going into work more appealing every day?

Connect the dots:

When you're in a job you don't like, you're finding the situation furious — why are you trapped in that mess?

Yet, instead of focusing on the current situation's disappointment, find meaning by connecting your past, present, and future.

Reflect on a tough past situation — one you have been able to overcome despite a lot of difficulty and hardship.

These were undoubtedly difficult conditions at the moment — but now that they are in the past, you can flashback and see how it finally developed into something positive, whether it was a better career, improved trust, or a well-connected network.

You may be disappointed to leave your job and then be unable to pay your bills; you may also damage your career. You do need to be careful when you quit taking a right next job, as it can hurt you to take the wrong one. And how are you going to find out what to do? So by understanding these points, you will get yourself clear regarding this job quitting decision.

Money

Money is a significant thing to consider when you are thinking about switching jobs. So, if you get a big paycheck from your current job for your misery, it may be worth holding on.

 No, you don’t need to stick it out for your entire career. But when you move on to something better, building a strong savings account will help you to feel relaxed and secure — especially if that next, more satisfying position includes a pay cut.

Expanded skill set

Every job (no matter how miserable) offers a chance to try and learn new things. And if your current job helps you to practice competently in an environment, it may be worth sticking around to refine those skills. This way, when a bigger and better opportunity comes along, you will be extra prepared and impressive.

Uncertainty

There's no doubt about it-it can be a challenge to toughen it out in a job you truly hate. Moreover, there are a few things that might make it worth it. Use this list to carefully weigh your choices and decide whether sticking around finally pays off or not. And if it pays off, give yourself credit for making the right decision about your career. After all, You don't have to continue this job forever.

How does quitting Affect your family?

If you're married, have children in a stable relationship, or have people who are financially dependent on you, then you need to think about how they'll be impacted by leaving your job. Can you afford beforehand everything you could? Does the stress of being jobless affect your relationship?

If you are always depressed or frustrated because you dislike your job, your partner or children might also feel the pressure. Long or prolonged work hours can also have a negative effect on your family.

Whether to leave your job is a stressful decision. Staying at a job you hate can be stressful, but leaving can cause many problems, so understanding both sides is necessary. 

[dokidokidirkstrider]

Key Elements That Must Be in Your Sunscreen

Secure Yourself From The Sun's Harmful Rays

Memorial Day is 2 weeks away. Did you understand that "Don't Fry Day" is the Friday before? Yep, today was designated by the National Council on Skin Cancer Cells Prevention due to the fact that Memorial Day is frequently the very first day of the warm weather condition season where individuals obtain a dreadful sunburn-- a shed that causes permanent skin damages that remains for your entire lifetime.

Did you understand that getting 5 or more sunburns can increase your danger of obtaining melanoma, one of the most lethal kind of skin cancer cells?

Yep, unfortunate job-security for skin specialists. Don't let that be you or the people

you like. Get your sunlight protection" equipment" in order now, consisting of the ideal sunscreen. I'm a medical skin specialist who has actually practiced for over thirty years. I have actually seen who gets skin cancer cells, what sun-protection method works-- and also which have allow my patients down. I have actually discovered exactly how to assist my diverse group of patients to practice great sunlight defense in a manner that fits their way of life, values as well as budget plan. No matter exactly how severe their sun direct exposure is or exactly how sensitive their skin is to UV or intolerant it is to products, it's feasible to take pleasure in warm summertime climate without a tan or a shed. My patients have actually confirmed it is possible.

My suggestions right here are based on what clients have shown me throughout my career.

First, get going with your sunlight defense method currently. Do not wait up until the last minute. You require your strategy prepared as well as proven before the summertime sunlight gets extreme as well as your outside play plans are in full swing.

As a practicing dermatologist, here's what I suggest for sun block and sun security:

Use Only The Best Sun block.

Your sun block needs to provide an SPF 30, at minimum, as well as be identified "Broad Range." You will check out that SPF 15 suffices. I recommend 30, and you will certainly see why later on.

Did you recognize that not all sun blocks are proficient at blocking all the harmful rays? This is especially real for the UV ray called UVA. In the past, sun blocks supplied almost no UVA security, making this a source of debate and also complication. Here is the tale:

UVB is the extreme summertime mid-day ray that swiftly melts your skin. SPF initially was a procedure of how well UVB was blocked. You might stay outdoors in the sunlight much longer without burning-- as well as obtain whole lots and also whole lots more UVA than you would certainly have otherwise. You believed you were secure since you did not shed. Little did people know that the UVA was loading their skin with lots of postponed damage that appears later in life.

Bottom line, you MUST see "Broad Spectrum" noted on the tag.

You Should Put On Enough Sun Block to Obtain Sufficient Security.

Researches have shown for many years that individuals practically never ever do. There are a lot of reasons. Beginning with an SPF 30, as well as you have extra defense. But it possibly ends up being even more like an SPF 15 if you are not using and reapplying "as guided." Just beware, and also pay attention to how much you use. As well as beware to reapply product on all your revealed skin-- as well as begin with SPF 30!

Here is the story:

SPFs are checked and ranked at about 1 oz. (a shot glass), the quantity covering the average-adult human body. That's 2 mg./ cm2 of surface; that number is possibly useless to you virtually. The factor is, the typical adult is around 1.8 (female) to 2 meters settled of skin surface, 1 shot glass if you are in a swimming suit.

However, just how much sunscreen do you need to relate to your face during the typical day when you are not using a swimming suit?

Based upon "the Wallace Regulation of nines for body surface," your head is 9% of that; the "anterior head" (head and neck) is 4.5%. Every person's composition differs, however this is about the portion of area of your face as well as neck, minus your hair on that front half of your "head."

I have actually estimated this throughout the years at about 4% of your total body surface area, if you are simply putting day-to-day sun block on the front of your head and also neck, indicating your face as well as sides/front of your neck in the early morning. Hence, 4% of your 1 oz. required-application-dose, based on 1 oz. being 6 tsp., the mathematics pertains to 1/4 tsp. per face/neck/ears depending upon how much of your "head as well as neck" your hair covers.

Generally, I use less than a tsp. for my face/neck/ears/ behind my ears as well as the rear of my neck above my collar line, as well as it functions. This is what I have taught my people over the years, as well as it normally helps them, also.

The bright side is that you can evaluate your outcomes.

Are you obtaining a tan?

If so, you require to make use of even more of your item. Once again, every product has a various consistency so you may require to assess up or down based on sun tanning or darkening of freckles. Just examine this before you prepare intensive UV-exposure-- you need to understand that your technique is area on!

Put On Sun Block Each Day on Subjected Skin.

UV-rays are sly, and also unless you live in a deep dark cave, you require sunscreen each day. UVA comes via home window glass, and both UV rays jump off reflective surfaces like concrete, rocks and structures. UV damage accumulates. The body can fix a few of the damages, however not all. Even UV direct exposure below the degree to create a shed will certainly build up damages. The damages leads to creases, skin thinning, sun spot freckling, as well as skin cancer cells.

What sunlight screen ingredients offer the best broad range security?

You will see some complicated as well as contradictory details on the web right now regarding sunscreens. I've checked out a lot of it, and even I'm puzzled-- artificial insemination versus in vivo versus ex vivo testing, physical sunscreens checked in differing sizes, representation versus absorption versus scatter systems, absorption with the entire UVA-spectrum, picture security or filter combinations-- it continues. Essentially, you require a really great chemist to make an item that is tested on humans, and after that, put it to the test in real life.

I am NOT a skin care chemist. I have actually been in the privileged position to do full skin-exams for three decades and observe exactly how my clients have put sunscreen to the examination. I can inform you what has taken great treatment of my individual's skin based on these years of observation. I'm additionally truly fair-skinned as well as spend as much time outdoors in extreme sunlight direct exposure setups as I potentially can.

Here is what I find out about UV-filters (sunscreen active ingredients):.

Mineral Zinc Oxide

This is my top option. It is what I put on everyday as well as have for years. It is what a lot of my clients choose, as well. Mineral zinc oxide protects with mineral bits. The smaller sized they are, the a lot more invisible they can be on skin. Innovation has advanced and the micro-fine dimension (non-nano) is now likewise unnoticeable.

It obstructs UVB and UVA. It's protection decreases off at the end of the UVA range so I like to see a lot of zinc oxide in an item.

I've advised 5% or even more for many years and I like to see much more, ideally.

My Sheer Strength Matte as well as Spray products consist of 16.2 and 12% specifically. That is cutting edge for security that is invisible. Suntegrity 5 in 1 BB Lotion includes 20%. Raw Components Eco Tin High Efficiency consists of 23%.

118" > Zinc oxide is distinctly photostable, implying it does

not break down as it secures your skin. You still need reapplication in extreme UV-exposure setups since you will rub off product throughout normal tasks. Non-mineral filters that are fairly good UV-filters Several of these are readily available in the UNITED STATE as well as some are not. Please note that I am not a substantial fan of new" natural "filters. I like to see them work-- or not-- or cause breakouts-- or otherwise on" other individuals "prior to I advise them. I also such as the poisoning issue to get a great think and also test in real life settings. Mexoryl (Ecamsule): SX (water-soluble) and also XL (oil-soluble)

Both are patented by L'Oréal and special to their brands. These soak up UV, the molecule "gets excited" as well as releases thermal power (heat) on the outside of the skin. Ecamsule misses out on several of the UVB spectrum so it must be combined with other sunscreens (UV filters) that cover that.

It is a good UVA-blocker as well as not as breakable as earlier chemical UV filters such as avobenzone. Its visibility is stated to be difficult in a total product formulation due to the fact that it is an acid. Usual UV filters seen with it consist of avobenzone, octocrylene, titanium dioxide, and others. The U.S. and Canada enable the SX kind. Canada enables the XL form, and also the FDA is assessing its security. A few of my clients have actually used Mexoryl items, and also my scientific observation is that they operate in that I do not see sunlight burning, tanning or dimming of sunlight freckles.

Tinosorb S and also M

These are likewise large particles that may not enter skin. They are patented by BASF as well as have wide UV-protection. They do not break down with UV-exposure and can aid other UV-filters stay a lot more stable such as avobenzone (Tinosorb S) as well as octinoxate (Tinosorb M). Tinosorb M also reflects and scatters UV as well as is sort of like a particle sun block, though it is not a mineral UV-filter. Evidently, it does disappoint estrogenic impacts in vitro (test tubes). It is not accepted by the FDA yet, however it is offered in Europe.

These later 2 are fairly new but they have some favorable qualities. They are big particles and so probably do not penetrate into the skin. This is essential as some sun blocks are absorbed into the body as well as can trigger troubles, like hormone disturbance. They can likewise hurt or trigger skin allergic reactions. Mexoryl as well as Tinosorb obstruct UVA very well, as well as I am hopeful. They are fairly brand-new, however, and so post marketing adverse experiences are still a "wait as well as watch" in my point of view.

The lower line on which sunscreen filters I like:.

Zinc oxide, hands down.

I have actually had countless clients use it for several years. It has stood the examination of time for sun securing my individual's skin. It's risk-free. Zinc oxide is likewise an active ingredient utilized in skin look after lots of other applications for a truly very long time-- bear in mind diaper rash as well as zinc oxide?! It has an outstanding security record. It is non-irritating for also one of the most delicate skin. It can be formulated to be unseen yet still obstruct UV well. Yes, say goodbye to light white tinting, or white clown makeup search your skin. Search for micro-fine zinc when having unseen security is very important for you. You can likewise get good security from nano-size zinc, however my preference is micro-fine zinc oxide. The non-nano products will certainly not be unnoticeable. They still use impressive security. Many natural formulas utilize larger fragments in high-performance bases. It has the most effective coral reef security account, particularly the larger-particle-size natural formulas like Raw Components. Putting on sun defense swim tee shirts and also applying a natural formula zinc oxide sun block to the little surface of subjected skin is wise reef stewardship, in my viewpoint.

Final Tips on Sun Block:

Sunlight evasion, not sunscreen is suggested for babies 6 months old or much less. Apply sun block before you head out so it can dry out and bind much better to your skin. This will certainly aid it do better for you. Reapply it if you have actually massaged it off your skin like by changing your garments or in frisky tasks like sports. Reapply it after water get in touch with like swimming or sweating regardless of how much time it's gotten on. Do not spray sunscreen on your face. Frankly, don't spray it without scrubing it in on other areas as well. Sprays leave droplets, as well as by definition, you can anticipate skin locations in between beads or they would not be beads! Don't neglect your lip security. I do not recommend chemical sunscreens on the lips nor do I advise nano-zinc on the lips. Don't count on sun block alone. Wear sun-protective clothes as well as seek the color. Sunscreen is created to secure subjected skin-- let that be as little of an area as possible since you have excellent sun-protective garments to use during extreme UV-exposure.

Click on this link to see what I put on. Visit this site for my preferred sunlight umbrella. Go here for my truly fantastic as well as well valued sunlight hats.

Want effective however not excessively obvious sunlight security? Take a look at our summer season sun security.

Referrals

:

Antony R. Youthful, PhD, Ultraviolet radiation and the skin: Photobiology and sunscreen photoprotection, Journal of the American Academy of Dermatology, March 2017 Volume 76, Concern 3, Supplement 1, Pages S100-- S109

Steven Q. Wang, Haoming Xu, Joseph W. Stanfield, Uli Osterwalder, Bernd Herzog, Comparison of ultraviolet A light security standards in the United States as well as European Union through in vitro dimensions of commercially available sunscreens, Journal of the American Academy of Dermatology. 2017; Vol. 77, Problem 1: 42-47

Mark A. Mitchnick, MD, David Fairhurst, PhD, Sheldon R. Pinnell, MD, Microfine zinc oxide (Z-Cote) as a photostable UVA/UVB sunblock representative, Provided partially as a poster at the 55th Annual Meeting of the American Academy of Dermatology, San Francisco, Calif, March 21-26, 1997. (J Am Acad Dermatol 1999; 40:85 -90.)

More Balaji D. Physical sunscreens: On the return path, Indian Journal of Dermatology, Venereology and Leprology, Vol. 73, No. 2, March-April, 2007, pp. 80-85

Threes G Smijs, Titanium dioxide as well as zinc oxide nanoparticles in sunscreens: focus on their safety and security and efficiency, Nanotechnol Sci Appl. 2011; 4: 95-- 112.

Stiefel C, Schwack W, Photoprotection in changing times-- UV filter effectiveness as well as security, sensitization processes and also regulative elements, International Journal of Aesthetic Science Quantity 37, Issue 1, Evaluation Post, First released: 25 September 2014 https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/full/10.1111/ics.12165

Julián Jiménez Reinosaa, et. al., Improvement of UV absorption habits in ZnO-- TiO2 composites, Boletin De La Sociedad Espanola De Ceramica Y Vidrio, 55 (2016 ); 55-62

Curtis Cole, et. al., Metal Oxide Sunscreens Secure Skin by Absorption, Not by Representation or Spreading, Photodermatology Photoimmunology as well as Photomedicine 32( 1) October 2015

[mycngs-blog]

                it’s  ya  girl  𝒅𝒓𝒊  (nineteen  —  twenty  next  week  !,  she/her,  pst),  a  soft  edgy  born  with  a  name  that  means  "dark  one  of  the  lord"  on  friday  the  13th  !  some  fun  facts  are  that  i  have  the  incredibly  dangerous  combo  of  high  ambition  and  poor  time  management  and  i’d  Risk  It  All  for  a.c.e,  ateez,  and  loona  !  so,  anyway,  here’s  my  girl  olivia  !  if  you’re  interested  in  plotting  connections,  feel  free  to  im  me  or  ask  for  my  discord  (where  i  would  be  Way  easier  to  reach)  !

                𝐉𝐔𝐍𝐆  𝐂𝐇𝐀𝐄𝐘𝐄𝐎𝐍.  𝐒𝐇𝐄/𝐇𝐄𝐑.  𝐂𝐈𝐒𝐅𝐄𝐌𝐀𝐋𝐄.  ╱  was  that  𝐎𝐋𝐈𝐕𝐈𝐀  𝐌𝐘𝐔𝐍𝐆  i  just  saw  in  the  hideaway  lobby  ?  i  hear  the  𝐓𝐖𝐄𝐍𝐓𝐘-𝐓𝐖𝐎  year  old  spends  most  of  their  time  𝐖𝐎𝐑𝐊𝐈𝐍𝐆  𝐀𝐒  𝐀  𝐌𝐀𝐓𝐇  𝐓𝐔𝐓𝐎𝐑,  but  i’ve  always  just  seen  them  𝐏𝐋𝐀𝐘𝐈𝐍𝐆  𝐑𝐇𝐘𝐓𝐇𝐌  𝐆𝐀𝐌𝐄𝐒.  they  live  in  𝐀𝐏𝐓  𝟓𝐂  and  i  often  see  them  in  the  halls.  they  always  give  me  a  vibe  of  𝐃𝐎𝐆-𝐄𝐀𝐑𝐄𝐃  𝐏𝐀𝐆𝐄𝐒,  𝐂𝐔𝐅𝐅𝐄𝐃  𝐉𝐄𝐀𝐍𝐒,  and  𝐀𝐑𝐌𝐒  𝐅𝐎𝐋𝐃𝐄𝐃  𝐀𝐂𝐑𝐎𝐒𝐒  𝐓𝐇𝐄  𝐂𝐇𝐄𝐒𝐓.

* ╱  𝒒 𝒖 𝒊 𝒄 𝒌  𝒔 𝒕 𝒂 𝒕 𝒔

𝗕𝗜𝗥𝗧𝗛 𝗡𝗔𝗠𝗘:  olivia clarisse myung  

𝗡𝗜𝗖𝗞𝗡𝗔𝗠𝗘𝗦:  vi, oli, no one calls her liv tho

𝗔𝗚𝗘:  twenty-two  

𝗗𝗢𝗕:  january 12, 1997 

𝗛𝗢𝗠𝗘𝗧𝗢𝗪𝗡:  santa clara, california

𝗭𝗢𝗗𝗜𝗔𝗖:  capricorn sun, pisces moon 

𝗢𝗥𝗜𝗘𝗡𝗧𝗔𝗧𝗜𝗢𝗡:  bisexual  

𝗢𝗖𝗖𝗨𝗣𝗔𝗧𝗜𝗢𝗡:  tutor

* ╱  𝒃 𝒂 𝒄 𝒌 𝒈 𝒓 𝒐 𝒖 𝒏 𝒅

originally hailing from santa clara, california, the myung family was nothing short of a series of tech success stories. her father a machine learning engineer and her mother a user experience architect, it was to no surprise when olivia's older siblings (a sister 6 years older and a brother 4 years older) followed suit and found themselves pursuing similar careers. they were coded to be a stereotypical silicon valley family, so growing up, expectations were high for olivia, the last of the bunch.

olivia was that girl in school who knew she was smart and made sure everyone around her knew it as well. in high school, a lot of people didn’t really like her because they perceived her as a show-off, which she totally was, but she’s aight once you get past her insecurity-generated superiority complex. her parents were overprotective and pressured her to do better than her classmates, so she just grew up conditioned to be super competitive because she was kind of scared of her parents and therefore scared of failing them.

she majored in statistics at uc berkeley and ended up finishing in three years with plans to go into data analysis (she’s really good with numbers and doesn’t quite understand how people have trouble with math… Nerd).

a few months out of college she got offered a position with a startup company in seattle that she had interned for remotely in the past, so she made the trip to washington!

however, the company later began to experience major losses and had to let go of employees, which unfortunately included cleo, before dissolving completely. she had only been working there for about half a year.

olivia wasn’t ready to return home, wasn’t ready to break the news to her parents that she — in her mind — had failed, so she remained in seattle and kept up this lie of being a successful data analyst for a rising company, when in reality, she put all of her marbles in the wrong bag. she didn’t want to be the one to fail when everyone else in her family was succeeding, she didn’t want to be the disappointment, so she lied. she wasn’t that close with her family, so the vague information that their daughter was making Big Moves would suffice for them to sprinkle into conversations with their colleagues.

currently, she’s trying to get back on her feet and secure a stable position of a similar caliber, but in the meantime, she’s been back and forth between different jobs and also getting paid to tutor people (mostly over skype, sometimes irl). not being certain of what she’s doing terrifies her and Sucks because she’s not used to the feeling of not being good enough.

* ╱  𝒑 𝒆 𝒓 𝒔 𝒐 𝒏 𝒂 𝒍 𝒊 𝒕 𝒚

olivia is like... accidentally blunt a lot ?? not even gonna lie, she really does not think before she speaks sometimes (book smart but not street smart Big Time)

i don't think she ever really had a Solid friend group growing up; she was the type to be on the border and never really belong to any specific set of people

she has, like, Zero patience and a low tolerance for stupidity, so how she manages to tutor people is something many people cannot comprehend

olivia's like the gordon ramsay of academia: rude if u act like u know everything, kinder and understanding if u genuinely want to learn something or get better

her demeanor is so deceiving i would say ?? she's the opposite of someone who looks intimidating but is actually really sweet — she's like a siren or some shit, seemingly approachable but once u do approach, u regret

despite the fact that she's quite cold 90% of first encounters, over time, she does warm up to people, which bring the coldness probability to about a 50% depending on how she feels about u

she’s not heartless i promise !! it’s mostly a front bc she was Played a lot growing up and has some trust issues :// when ur smart n want friends sometimes it’s ok to be used right ?? haha ?? :(( ??

her way of caring for people is .. tbh .. kinda awkward ?? she has compassion but she doesn’t really know how to express it without feeling kinda weird about it KSDLHDS she’s the type that wouldn’t be comforting emotionally but she tries .. her Best in her own way 

did i say rly guarded ?? superiority complex turned impostor syndrome ?? someone PLEASE validate this girl , living in her siblings’ shadows did Not do her well

secretly a romantic but she thinks love is a privilege she hasn’t quite earned yet

in short, i’d say she could be classified as a Classic Tsundere

i feel like i didn't list that many redeeming traits DSGJSDG but she's got some !! she's dependable and a hard worker !! if ur close to her it's ride or die !!

* ╱  𝒇 𝒖 𝒏  𝒇 𝒂 𝒄 𝒕 𝒔

can speak english, korean, french, spanish, and knows asl

owns a large collection of books; really into personal essays

has never been in a serious relationship; claims she’s too busy but really just lacks the ability to be vulnerable so she prefers things to be non-committal

when she was 14 she had a crush on this guy but then people found out and it eventually reached him ;/ he asked her out after school with some people around ;/ she accepted ;/ turned out he was joking ;/

can play the viola, clarinet, and piano

really really really good at rhythm games, especially osu !! played local tournaments before but when her parents found out she was investing a fat chunk of time into the activity, they had her stop ;/ now that she doesn’t live with them anymore, she’s taken it up again

surprisingly holds her alcohol well and is an affectionate drunk; perhaps if u met olivia when she's drunk she wouldn't be as intimidating

incredibly bad at responding to text messages !! it's like a roulette, she either replies within seconds or the text is lost forever and suddenly it's been months

[softestziam]

Anotherr Daddy!Deledier blurb. This is dedicated to the sweet anon who gave me the idea to write this.

The season was wrapping up, the sun shinning higher and brighter in the sky each and everyday. Dele was still working just as hard as he did in his earlier years, this time with less pressure on his shoulders. Tottenham had won the title twice since he had arrived. 2022 was the stellar year for him, England winning the World Cup and Tottenham taking the trophy. That’s also the year Eric retired. He hung up his boots on top, the year ending with Fay’s arrival. Dele decided to stick around, as long as he could physically play he was going to do it. He scarified a lot of personal time to still be able to play and play at the level he expected for himself and what the world wanted from him. Poch was still at the reigns of the club, which was a small miracle for Dele and Eric. He stood by them when they announced their nuptials right after the World Cup win. The world had mixed reactions, of course they did. Poch and even Southgate stood firmly by them as the love and hate poured in from every which way.

Non of that deterred either man from moving forward with each other or with football. They had to block out the noise, both good and bad. Things were said in the news all the time about them professionally and personally. They carried on as professionals, getting married in Portugal surrounded by their close friends and family. They returned to training as if nothing ever happened, carried on with their lives like they normally would. No one in the training room or around the club treated them different, at least not to their faces. If they could still play and perform at the top level, people couldn’t care less what they did behind closed doors. Of course they panicked every away game, hoping nothing was going to happen to them or their teammates. Yes extra security was called in when Tottenham played, but most fans let them be. Yes they heard derogatory words and had gestures aimed at them but overall it was manageable.

It wasn’t until the season was over and they were deep into the summer holidays that the buzz died down. Fans would see them on the streets and still ask for autographs and pictures, some even celebrating their bravery for being out and open in football. It was easier to tackle things when they were together. When they were spotted alone, it was a crapshoot as to what reaction they get. They never once feared for their safety, so that was a major plus. It was late one night when they were laying in their honeymoon suite in Santorini that the topic of children were brought up. Eric was from a large family and wanted as many as they could have as quick as possible. Dele was hesitant, naturally. Flashbacks of his own childhood running through his head. Eric never once pressured him to make a decision right away, just planted the seeds.

After their first match of the season, an easy home win against Chelsea, Dele agreed to have kids with Eric. They were driving home, a buzz in the car from their adrenaline being in high gear, when Dele casually brought up the topic. Eric almost drove them off the rode he was shocked and excited. They knew they had hurdles to climb if they were going to have a baby but they were willing to do it, as long as they were together. They told their families who were over joyed and ecstatic as well. They looked into adoption and the possibility of a surrogate as well. They weighed all their options, spoke to professionals who were well versed on both topics before deciding on surrogacy. The process was long and tedious, trying to find the right surrogate who was willing to take on this monumental journey with and for them. They also weighed the idea of who’d be the biological father as well. Topics of discussion they never knew they’d have in their relationship, they were forced to have. This was all happening on top of them trying to play and have a career and a stable marriage in the spotlight.

Everything came to a head in the early fall, their surrogate was pregnant. Life was immediately turned upside down for Eric and Dele. They were over the moon but also cautious. They understood the ups and downs of pregnancy but were more hopeful than not. They had to keep the news to themselves until mid November, until the twelve week mark. On a random Wednesday night they hosted a family dinner for both sets of parents and siblings and made the announcement. Tears were shed, hugs were handed out and excitement was felt in the entire home. They family was growing by one in the summer. Preparing the babies arrival was a task, Dele diligently read all the books, even the ones for the expected mother so he could try and understand what their surrogate was going through. She was a trooper, remained behind the scenes once the news broke to the public. She was always around and available when either man needed her. She urgently called them in the middle of the night the first time she felt the baby kick. Involving them in every little thing that had to do with their child.

On July 21st, little Fay Rose Dier was born. She came two days early to the surprise of everyone. Eric wasn’t even in England when he got the call. He was visiting his family in Portugal, his flight set to arrive back in London that night. Dele ran to the hospital and was by the surrogates side the entire time, Eric on the phone the whole time. When Fay let out her first cry so did her fathers. It was real, she had arrived. Dele held her first, cut the umbilical chord and was overwhelmed with so many emotions. She fussed a little, as all newborns do, but settled herself quickly in Dele’s arms. She was tiny, but beautiful, perfect even. Their first moments together were breath taking, Dele immediately enamored with his little girl. He called his family to let the know the good news as Fay slept comfortably. She looked just let Eric from second one, blue eyes looking up blindly at Dele, a spattering of blond hair on her newborn head.

He spoke to her as he held her, as she slept, as he changed his first diaper, and helped with the first feeding. Told her all about the world she was being welcomed in to. Told her about her family. The good, the bad, and the ugly. When Eric finally arrived tearful hugs and kisses were exchanged. They just stared at each other wordlessly as their daughter slept. She was here and their family finally felt complete. They’d spent so many years together building their relationship. First as teammates, then friends, boyfriends, fiancées, husbands, and their best title: fathers. Their love was now going to be shared with the one person who deserved it most in the entire world. The first few days they didn’t want to leave the cocoon they built around them. Not wanting to let anyone spoil their precious moments together. Family and friends eventually came around to visit once they were home. All of them oohing and awing over the newborn and how perfect she was. She really was, no one was being biased.

Fast forward to May and Fay was growing up right before their eyes. The season was on its last match, a home one against Leicester. The league already belonged to Arsenal with Tottenham securing second place easily. There was nothing to play for except the fans. It was a home match and Dele wasn’t sure if it’ll be his last or not. He and Eric were debating on if he should hang up his boots or not. Eric did the year before and never once regretted one second of it. He got to spend all day with Fay and raise her properly, not relying on nannies or their parents. Sally was always around if they needed it, if Eric needed to run an errand or if Dele and Eric wanted a night to themselves to solidify their already strong bond. Dele saw how happy Eric was at home, how at ease he looked each night when they were in bed. He wanted that but he still loved the game and couldn’t see himself saying goodbye to it just yet.

Eric was in the stands with Fay and the Hickfords, all of them knowing it could be the last time they witness Dele playing professional football. The other wives and children were sitting around them, basking in the May midday sunshine and enjoying a good match. It was a deadlock until the eighty fifth minute when Dele scored. The crowed when wild, breaking out into song right away. Eric was ecstatic, waving Fay’s little arms in celebration, Alan and Sally capturing it on camera to show Dele later. The final whistle blew and concluded the season. Eric was escorted down towards the pitch along with Fay by stadium security even though he knew the place like the back of his hand. Dele was hesitant when he asked if he’d bring Fay onto the pitch at the end of the match. All the other guys were bringing their wives and kids so Dele wanted to as well. He knew how private they were with their daughter. The only pictures of her were of the back of her head, her hands, her feet. No one had seen her face. Paparazzi had been respectful enough to not show her face when posting pictures of them out together as a family.

“You sure?” Eric asked once more as he and Fay stood in the tunnel waiting for the signal from security to step onto the pitch.

Dele looked behind them at the fans that remained in the stands. Some of the guys were already walking along the pitch with their families, smiling and waving at the fans. “Absolutely. This is my family and I want to celebrate the season with them.”

“Okay,” Eric said, taking a deep nervy breath and gripping Fay at little bit closer to himself as they stepped onto the pitch.

The noise was deafening, just like Eric remembered it. He didn’t know if it got louder once they made their entrance but the energy immediately felt different. Fay looked around in amazement, everything so new and exciting to her. They walked along the pitch, applauding the fans and sending them heartfelt thanks for their support not only today but the entire season. Dele just soaked it in, holding tight to Eric’s hand and placing a comforting pat to Fay’s back to make sure she was okay. Dele didn’t know he could smile as wide as he was, his face starting to strain and hurt after walking a few meters. The reception was overwhelming and all consuming.

“I’m done,” he whispered into Eric’s ear.

Eric stopped waving with his free hand and placed a kiss on Fay’s head, looking over at Dele. “We’re not even half around.”

“No, not with the walking,” he replied with a laugh. “Football. I’m done.”

Eric’s eyes grew wide at his confession. “You sure?”

“Positive,” he confirmed with a nod. “Nothing will get better than this, Diet. Look around. I’m home with our fans walking alongside my husband and daughter. Nothing, no trophy, will top this. Besides, our trophy cabinet is full enough.”

“Okay,” Eric said simply. “If you’re okay with hanging up your boots, I support you one hundred percent, Delboy.”

Dele kissed Eric’s temple and then kissed Fay’s head. “I want another baby.”

If Eric wasn’t holding Fay firmly he probably would’ve dropped her due to shock. “Del, ca-can we pause this conversation for home?”

“I want a little boy,” he continued as they kept walking and waving to the fans, Fay still looking around in amazement. “She needs siblings and two more would be good.”

“Del,” he replied through gritted teeth. “When we’re home, babe.”

Dele ran over to a young fan who was waving a sign asking for his shirt which he obliged and signed it, posing for a picture as well. He looked over at Eric who paused his moments and smiled, content with his decision, content with his life. He shook some other fans hands before jogging over back to his family. “Happy, Diet?”

“Over the moon,” he said, grabbing Dele’s hand as they walked the rest of the pitch saying their goodbyes and thanks to the team and sport that brought them together and let them have the lives they were now living.

[lily-of-the-eyrie]

🔍💭 Study: Lawrence Washington

Here I present my 4000-word eulogy essay on what an accomplished, dedicated member of the Order my man Lawrence had been, because he deserves to have his life’s work known for more than what Birch dissed it for, dammit.

Meet the man whose work laid the foundation on which our one and only 🎉Colonial Rite🎉 was built!

◈ Contents ◈

Timeline

Joining the Order 　How did he start his Templar career?

Building a Base 　What did he manage to do in the colonies?

The Virginian Rite 　A portrait of the proto-Colonial Rite in 1750

Challenges to the Search 　12 years, and still no Grand Temple―what’s the holdup?

Retrieving the Relics 　Why look for the Precursor box and manuscript in the West Indies?

The Other Washington 　“A bright spot in a troubled land”

Lawrence the Templar 　A summary of Lawrence’s character

✠ Lawrence Washington (1718-1752) ✠

☙ Timeline ☙

1718 - Born to a planter family in Virginia 1729 - Went to study in England 1730s - Inducted into the Templar Order, and quickly rose to the rank of Master Templar 1738 - Completed his education, and went back to Virginia 1739 - War of Jenkins' Ear broke out between Britain and Spain; Lawrence joined the Virginia militia and joined in the fighting in the West Indies 1742 - Returned home, and obtained a commission for the post of militia commander, with the rank of Major 1743 - Married Anne Fairfax, daughter of William Fairfax, an influential leading figure in the local society 1744 - Elected to the local parliament 1746 - Sent a letter to Gist talking about creating a front company to double as a Templar communications network, and also about starting a correspondence with William Johnson in New York. Achilles established the Colonial Brotherhood in this year as well 1750 - Received a letter from Birch notifying him of Monro's transfer Sep 28, 1751 - Sailed from Virginia to Barbados; arrived on Nov 3 Nov 21, 1751 - Port-au-Prince earthquake; after interrogating a member of the Haitian Brotherhood, he stole the Precursor box and manuscript from the local Assassin Mentor's camp July 26, 1752 - Passed away at his home in Mount Vernon

☙ Joining the Order ☙ How did he start his Templar career?

　According to what we can glean from his database entry, Lawrence had quite an impressive start to his life as a Templar. Scouted out during his school years in England by none other than the Grand Master himself, he proved to be so competent that, within a few short years, he was promoted to Master Templar at 20. This route of advancement is comparable to that of Madeleine de L'Isle of the Louisiana Rite, who was inducted into the Order at 15 years old, and was a Master Templar at 19; the promotion was, in the words of Birch's good friend John Harrison, well-deserved because she had "proven herself ruthless and capable" in serving the Order's interests in her area (✉️“Savannah”, 1751). Lawrence may have followed a similar course, and must have done his work equally well, because at the end of it, Birch had enough faith in the young Templar to entrust him with his one great dream: finding the Grand Temple spoken about in Edward Kenway's journal.

　While the exact motives behind Birch's recruitment weren't directly stated, it can be inferred; Liam mentioned that Lawrence "had great ambitions that the Templars helped fulfill" [Rogue Seq.1-3, “Tinker Sailor Soldier Spy”], while Birch, judging by the contents of his parting letter to the Master Templar returning home, wanted someone to serve as his "eyes and ears in the New World" and find the Temple for him (✉️“Lawrence of America”, 1738). The Washingtons' status as a relatively well-established family in Virginia is probably a nice bonus to add to the requirements; it would, at the very least, give him something to work with compared to his fellow brethren in the British Rite, whose centers of power may have been more tied to the isles and are therefore more useful at home than abroad.

　And so, armed with a grand mission and some resources to get started on it, Lawrence returned home to Virginia in 1738.

☙ Building a Base ☙ What did he manage to do in the colonies?

　Now we all know how this story ended―Lawrence would never find the Grand Temple, which the Order only managed to find in 1754, 2 years after his death. But he didn't spend his entire lifetime just sitting on his thumbs, and since Rogue didn't explicitly cover much of what he did aside from the very last bit, we're going to go over his other accomplishments here.

　Starting from the beginning, the first notable thing in Lawrence's New World ventures surprisingly didn't involve the actual colonies he was presumably supposed to comb over. In 1739, not one year after his return home, the War of Jenkins' Ear broke out between Britain and Spain, so away he went again in 1740, only this time it's to join the army as part of the Virginian militia and fight in the West Indies.

　Why he would suddenly drop his Precursor search in Virginia to go to the Caribbean, an area that is technically still part of the New World but probably not in his intended searching range, is a mystery. On top of the usual risks of battle and the rampant fatal diseases colonists tend to catch in the area, he would have needed to also consider the Assassin threat there―after the death of Laureano de Torres, the Grand Master of the West Indies Rite, in 1722, the region was known to be heavily under Assassin control. Another Templar, Rafael Joaquin de Ferrer of the Louisiana Rite, was so concerned by the local Brotherhood's influence that he feared the Templars will never gain any footing there again until their enemies are eradicated (✉️“Cuban Salvage”, 1750). His visit was then a risky leap right into enemy territory on multiple levels. The database entry said nothing about the involvement of Templar business in it, but it sure has the potential to tell an interesting story if it indeed had some.

　After spending 2 years in the war, he returned to Virginia in 1742, and in the following year, got married to Anne Fairfax. The Fairfax family was one of the most prominent families in Virginia―being able to call Anne's father, William Fairfax, his father-in-law increased the amount of power Lawrence held in the colony. This new connection gave him a solid backing to help with his rise in society and also with his business ventures: he was elected a member of the local parliament a year later.

　Having secured a stable foundation of influence, he began to work on strengthening the Templar presence in the colonies. He became acquainted with Gist (and presumably Weeks) at around this time, and sent him a letter discussing the need to establish front companies to form a secure communications network for the Order in 1746 (✉️“Front Company”, 1746). In that same letter, he also urged Gist to go and introduce himself to William Johnson, who was in New York at the time, and whose government connections and close relationship with the natives could be useful in aiding the Templars in the colonies. In the meantime, Lawrence would go and influence his in-laws, the aforementioned Fairfaxes, to create the Ohio Company, one of the Templar front businesses closer to his base in Virginia. This company, which was chaired by Lawrence and his trusted associates (Including James Wardrop and Samuel Smith—more on them below), was to become an important vehicle for the Order's activities in the colonies―it allowed him to disguise the search for the Grand Temple as land surveying expeditions, such as the one to chart the Ohio area, which was led by none other than Gist himself.

☙ The Virginian Rite ☙ A portrait of the proto-Colonial Rite in 1750

　With a goal like locating a particular Precursor structure in an unfamiliar land 40 times the size of Britain, there's a lot for Lawrence to do, so it was logical of him to make gathering helpful friends a top priority. Here are the core members of his team:

Christopher Gist (1706~) 　A frontiersman and surveyor born in Baltimore, Maryland, up north from where Lawrence lived. He appears to be the Master Templar's closest, if not also oldest, associate, judging by how Lawrence's existing letters were addressed to him specifically. Given his profession, Gist would have been familiar with the lands in the area, and more than qualified to explore the ones they've yet to chart. A jolly good fellow with a penchant for outrageous storytelling and an unrivaled love of drink, he's nevertheless not very sympathetic (or even outright casually hostile) to anyone he considers an enemy. 　For all the ease in his usual disposition, though, he does have a stake in the Templars' success―displeased with the chaos and constant fighting in the unstable colonies, he believed that the accomplishment of their goals will grant peace and order to the land [Rogue Seq.3-3, “Circumstances”; Seq.5-1, “Men o' War”].

Jack Weeks (1723~) 　The Albany-born son of a couple who had escaped slavery in Virginia, Weeks was a clever, resourceful man, with a dash of cheekiness to boot. Hardy even as a young boy, he led a rough life, and was already a pickpocket active in the Albany markets at the tender age of 10. It was sometime during this part of his career that he tried picking Gist's pocket, but the explorer, catching him in the act, decided he liked his audacity enough and hired him as an errand boy. However, rather than consigning Weeks to the fate of a mere servant, he taught him various things as they traveled together, chiefly the workings of trade and how to mimic people of all kinds of standing and birth. 　A calm, level-headed man with a strategic edge, he accompanied Gist on his travels, which meant that Lawrence may have picked them up as a pair. He and Gist worked as detached associates to the Order until they were inducted by Monro in 1751.

James Wardrop (1705~) 　Born to a Templar family in the colonies, Wardrop was arguably the most sinister member of the party. Tasked with securing land and wealth for the Order, he was involved in putting together a trade network that ran from the colonies to the West Indies, work on which began in 1744; to add to that, he worked together with Gist to purchase land in and around the colonies in 1750. He was merciless with his methods when it comes to making things run the way the Templars want it to―the Assassins charged him with evicting many local tribes from their land, and for orchestrating countless massacres, which earned him the reputation of being "one of the most devious and ruthless men in the colonies" [Rogue Seq.2-2, “We the People”]. 　To add to this, he was also a shrewd, opportunistic man, who wasn't above using his position to help increase his own wealth when he got the chance to, and strove to maintain the colonies' loyalty to Britain. Despite having quite the dangerous edge, however, he was an absolute lightweight when it comes to drink, and for some reason or the other, simply could not get along with Weeks (although he seemed to fare better with Gist). 　Wardrop and his family was likely already serving the Order's interests when Lawrence called, showing how he worked on linking existing Templar groups together into a network in the colonies.

Samuel Smith (???~) 　There's very little that can be found about Smith, who probably had the shortest database entry among the whole cast. We know that he was probably born in Virginia, with some experience as a sailor. As far as Templar work is concerned, he served as treasurer in one of Lawrence's Templar front businesses, which was likely related to how he wound up as one of the Order's members. 　Unlike the rest of the team, Smith was very timid, and carried himself in a very fidgety manner (which really shows when he's standing next to the casually elegant Wardrop). He was also flighty and/or not very good at fighting―Shay, who went after him, reported that he "could barely hold his sword straight" [Rogue Seq.2-2, “We the People”]. Whatever strengths Lawrence might have seen in him, it was probably more to the desk job side, although the number of techniques he employed when trying to throw off the Assassins pursuing him by ship showed that the can hold on his own for a while on water as well, which is also worth a mention.

William Johnson (1715~) 　As New York's representative to the Iroquois, and as someone who had gained the indigenous peoples' respect by familiarizing himself with their language and customs, Johnson offered a very advantageous set of skills and connections for Lawrence and his quest to find the Grand Temple. Since he's more knowledgeable about the northern colonies, places a little too far from Lawrence's home base to work in effectively, he would've made a very handy ally―after his induction to the Order, they cooperated behind the scenes, dedicating themselves to building a Templar infrastructure in the colonies. (Johnson's appearance in Rogue is a cameo at best, since his main role is in ACIII, but this does make me wonder if the list of Templars that Birch gave Haytham on his departure from London in 1754 is the result of Lawrence & co.'s work...)

[PS. Monro was also supposed to be part of this group, but he wasn't someone Lawrence picked on his own, so let’s leave him out of this for now.]

☙ Challenges to the Search ☙ 12 years, and still no Grand Temple―what's the holdup?

　So Lawrence had been keeping himself busy with Templar work since he went back to the colonies, but to Birch, all that work was conspicuously missing the one thing he wanted most: the discovery of the Grand Temple. This one setback was apparently enough for Birch to dismiss everything else he did as insignificant, regardless of their relevance to the Temple hunt.

　To Birch's credit, it was the main mission that he tasked Lawrence with, so he had every right to be rather miffed about the unfruitful search (although I'd take this opportunity to mention that Precursor sites aren't easy to find; the Caribbean Observatory took 2 decades for the relatively established West Indies Rite to locate, for example [ACIV Seq.2-3, “Mister Walpole, I Presume?”]), but I'd also like to highlight the particular challenges that Lawrence had in particular due to the rather unique conditions under which he had to conduct that search. Aside from his obvious health issues, which must have slowed him down, the primary problems I can identify can be divided into these 2 categories: (1) the lack of an existing network, and (2) the unfortunate fact that he focused his search in the wrong area.

　Unlike Britain, where the British Rite had been around for several centuries, the colonies at the time didn't have a Rite of their own. There were a number of individual Templars who had either gone to or lived in the New World (like Lawrence's very own subordinate, James Wardrop, who was born into a Templar family there and joined the Order himself in 1720), but the first proper Colonial Rite wasn't established until Haytham's arrival in 1754.

　Judging by how Birch took the trouble of appointing Lawrence in particular to lead the Grand Temple search instead of any Templar already in the colonies in 1738, it seems that the Order's presence in the New World was still rather sparse (and it was sparse for the Assassins—enough for Achilles to be surprised when he encountered John de la Tour there in 1740 [✉️“The First Colonial Assassin”, 1740]). In addition to this, there's also the fact that Lawrence saw some necessity in building up basic Templar infrastructure through the 1740s, which he wouldn't have done if such a system was already in place. With this scarcity of usable resources at the time of his return, he couldn't have gone looking for the Grand Temple from the second he set foot in Virginia―not when he still lacked the proper tools to facilitate the search, which he'd have to put together first, even if it takes time to do so.

　The other problem was, of course, the lack of pointers about the location of the Grand Temple. Edward Kenway's journal may have specified which continent the Precursor site was on, but that's hardly helpful when much of North America was still uncharted territory for the British at the time. In addition to this, while Haytham had the Grand Temple key to at least provide a hint as to where the lock that fits it might be, the Templars still had no such hint back then. Lawrence would have had trouble just trying to determine where exactly he needed to start looking (no doubt this is related to why his oldest known friend, Gist, was a widely-traveled surveyor familiar with the lands he was to search in).

　He most likely started his hunt in Virginia itself, seeing as it's where he'd lived and where most of his connections were based. As of the time he began this search, all of the original 13 colonies had already been established, so at least he could use the British Rite's connections to help expand his operation along the continent's Atlantic seaboard. He had his eye as far up as New York, whose news he kept up with enough to hear about Johnson, who was stationed there at that point. Still, he was not limited by just British territorial limits, as seen in the establishment of the Ohio Company in 1748. This company, which he sought to use to help the Order, was made to support ventures into the Ohio region, which at the time claimed by the French as their territory. If this was where he'd focused his efforts, anyone familiar with the actual location of the Grand Temple (Turin, at the northern tip of New York state) would've noticed a big problem with the strategy: he was going in the wrong direction. With that kind of problem, it didn't matter how thoroughly he searched the land that he managed to cover―he was never going to find the Grand Temple there.

☙ Retrieving the Relics ☙ Why look for the Precursor box and manuscript in the West Indies?

　From then on, we know how the story went―Birch decided he's just about done waiting, thought that Lawrence was a disappointment, and staged an intervention by sending him some assistance in the form of the Colonel. And yet, the next time we hear from Lawrence, he's gone to Haiti and raided the local Brotherhood, which was how he got his hands on the Precursor box and manuscript.

　The question is―why?

　Of course, the obvious answer is that any Precursor relic is of interest to the Order, but his health by 1751, when he went to Barbados, had already worsened to the point that it really concerned his family and friends. He was most definitely not in a state that made it a simple matter to go down all the way to the Caribbean, a heavily Assassin-controlled area, and pull off the footwork necessary to steal First Civilization items from the Haitian Brotherhood. He could've sent someone else, if it was really pressing, and Birch's letter about Monro's transfer hadn't explicitly told him to stop looking for the Grand Temple. Why did he switch his target to the box and manuscript, in an obviously premeditated hunt, despite there being no evidence that they're directly relevant to the Temple?

　The only hint to Lawrence's motivations is tucked away in his letter to Gist about what he did in Haiti, in which he hoped that, having obtained the relics, "perhaps his leadership in the colonies will finally be recognized" (✉️“Family Vacation”, 1751). For a short line, there's a lot of weight in it―Lawrence evidently felt strongly about his authority as the leader of the Templars in the colonies, so much that he would stake his life on winning it back after Birch's scathing review of his lack of progress and subsequent interference, which I doubt Lawrence appreciated much. As such, aside from the practical reasons he might have had to retrieve the Precursor box and the manuscript, there's another personal layer to it as well.

[EDIT: After mulling it over a bit more, it occurred to me that, as of the time Lawrence went hunting for the Precursor box and manuscript, he still didn’t know if these artifacts would contribute to locating the Grand Temple. Hell, he didn’t even know what Precursor artifacts he might have gotten—the only thing he might have possibly known about the West Indies Assassins is that François Mackandal, Mentor of the Haitian Brotherhood, made a hobby out of collecting First Civilization relics (✉️”Arranged Marriage”, 1748), and that an old Precursor box may have ended up in that area following the trail Harrison picked up on in 1742 (✉️”The Manila Galleons”, 1742). He might have decided to take that leap of faith out of desperation, knowing that he’d look much better if he could find an artifact, any artifact, at this point.

Meanwhile, de Ferrer of the Louisiana Rite was also looking for the Precursor box in the Cuba area just a year before Lawrence went, but reported finding nothing and left in 1751 (✉️”Cuban Salvage”, 1750; “Chichen Itza”, 1751). Could these two events be related?]

☙ The Other Washington ☙ "A bright spot in a troubled land"

　Speaking of personal matters, despite fully committing himself to serving the Order's goals, there are certain things he'd never give up for the Templar cause. Specifically and obviously, of course, I'm referring his little brother, George Washington, who he repeatedly insisted should never, under any circumstance, get pulled into the Order’s business.

　The actual Washington brothers were also very close, so this attachment didn't just come out of nowhere―they were often together whenever it was possible for them to be, and for his part, Lawrence didn't spare any expense or effort when it comes to grabbing opportunities for his brother, whether in the form of sharing acquaintances (such as the time when he introduced the younger Washington to the influential Fairfaxes), or helping him launch a career (once in the Navy, an attempt which was thwarted by George's mother, and later as a surveyor, which was a more successful case and helped George amass a sizable wealth of his own).

　On his end, George was never too far away from Lawrence's regular non-Templar work, ready to tackle requests from his older brother. He'd often wind up using his surveying skills to either map out their holdings' borders or plots of land used for his businesses. He also helped take care of Lawrence when his health began to fail, and even after the elder Washington's death, George continued to see him as an influential and inspiring presence―he has a portrait of Lawrence hanging in his personal study at Mount Vernon, the only family portrait to get that privilege.

　Going back to Lawrence, his sentiments about his brother revealed two things―the immediately observable one being that he had a very high opinion of George, along with a good helping of protectiveness for the younger boy, and the other one being that he shows a self-deprecating awareness of the darker, less noble side of the Order's work, the "ugly truths of [their] most serious business" (✉️“Family Vacation”, 1751).

☙ Lawrence the Templar ☙ A summary of Lawrence's character

　Having been introduced when he was already on his last legs, Lawrence had a very brief on-screen presence that was largely dominated by his illness. Still, despite the shortness of both his screentime and lifespan in general, he managed to achieve a lot in terms of Templar work. While he regrettably couldn’t locate the Grand Temple himself, the effort he put into trying to find it most definitely contributed to the overall search by giving the Order more hints about its location, and it was his work that led to the creation of a solid foundation for the future Colonial Rite that Haytham would put together after his death.

　As the leader of the Templars in the colonies, he showed considerable skill at administration, managing not only his local Templar circuit, but also reaching out to the other colonies along the continent's east coast, and even expanded his reach as far south as the West Indies, a major Assassin territory at the time. He prioritized building an infrastructure to ensure the Order's survival and smooth operation in the area, both necessary in order to facilitate their search for the Grand Temple, especially after the Assassins joined the fray in the mid 1740s.

　However, he wasn't just a pencil-pusher―his account of his excursion in Haiti, where he made his way through an earthquake that rivaled Lisbon’s and stole the Precursor box and manuscript in person, showed that he was quite the efficient field worker as well. If he could manage that while already on the last stages of his illness, what he could do in better health must've been quite impressive.

　On the personal side, though merciless while carrying out the Order's work, Lawrence didn't completely lack a more human facet to his character. This showed most clearly in the soft spot he had for his brother George, but also across scattered details, such as his disgust at the Haitian Brotherhood's bloodthirsty Mentor, Mackandal, who he lambasted as a "reckless tyrant"; and, for what it's worth, Gist did remember him as "a good man", so he seemed to have had the respect of his subordinates, even if he didn't have Birch's.

　He was also ambitious, which was a trait he'd shown since a very early age. He may have been subservient to the British Grand Master until the very end, but his need to have his leadership in the colonies acknowledged suggests that he'd always aimed higher. Given his position as more or less the head of the colonial Templars, and his pride in that fact, it's not unlikely that he'd hoped to one day be a Grand Master himself―and considering he quite literally spent his life building what would become the Colonial Rite from the ground up, had he lived long enough to be one, it would have been nothing if not a well-deserved post.

[flowersandfutures-blog]

This piece from Kate Aronoff about what a Green New Deal could look like is brilliant. It’s long, but well worth reading. The first few paragraphs are pretty much exactly how I imagine a solarpunk world (and uggh, it makes me so sad that this isn’t already our world):

IT’S THE SPRING of 2043, and Gina is graduating college with the rest of her class. She had a relatively stable childhood. Her parents availed themselves of some of the year of paid family leave they were entitled to, and after that she was dropped off at a free child care program.

Pre-K and K-12 were also free, of course, but so was her time at college, which she began after a year of public service, during which she spent six months restoring wetlands and another six volunteering at a day care much like the one she had gone to.

Now that she’s graduated, it’s time to think about what to do with her life. Without student debt, the options are broad. She also won’t have to worry about health insurance costs, since everyone is now eligible for Medicare. Like most people, she isn’t extraordinarily wealthy, so she can live in public, rent-controlled housing — not in the underfunded, neglected units we’re accustomed to seeing in the United States, but in one of any number of buildings that the country’s top architects have competed for the privilege to design, featuring lush green spaces, child care centers, and even bars and restaurants. Utilities won’t be an issue, either. Broadband and clean water are both free and publicly provisioned, and the solar array that is spread atop the roofs of her housing complex generates all the power it needs and more.

For work, she trained to become a high-level engineer at a solar panel manufacturer, though some of her friends are going into nursing and teaching. All are well-paid, unionized positions, and are considered an essential part of the transition away from fossil fuels, updates about which are broadcast over the nightly news. In any case, she won’t have to spend long looking for a job. At any number of American Job Centers around the country, she can walk in and work with a counselor to find a well-paid position on projects that help make her city better able to deal with rising tides and more severe storms, or oral history projects, or switch careers altogether and receive training toward a union job in the booming clean energy sector.

The AJCs are a small part of the Green New Deal Act of 2021, a compromise plan that was only strengthened in the years that followed. For a brief moment, it looked as if the Supreme Court might strike down large elements of it, but as a plan to expand the size of the court gained popularity with the public, the justices backed down.

Gina might also open her own business. Without having to worry about the cost of day care or health insurance, she can invest everything into making her dream a reality. And the cost of labor for business owners, who no longer have to pick up the health care tab, is reasonable enough that she can afford to pay good wages for the staff that she needs to meet demand.

Whichever she chooses, she’ll work no more than 40 hours a week, and likely far less, leaving ample time to travel via high speed, zero-carbon rail to visit friends elsewhere and go hiking or to the beach; enjoy long, leisurely meals of locally sourced food and drink; and attend concerts in the park, featuring musicians whose careers have been supported by generous public arts grants. As she gets older, paying for health care won’t be a concern, with everything from routine doctor’s visits and screenings, to prescription drugs, to home health aides covered under the public system, as social security continues to furnish her rent, expenses, and entertainment through the end of her life.