#sort of autopilot
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I think that maybe I've been in and out of dissociation all week and there's not actually anything wrong with my brain
#ill literally walk around and know where im going but suddenly i jolt back out of my head and i have no idea where i am or how i got there#i thought something was wrong 😭#but NO#its just me unintentionally making life harder for myself#ill be fr idek if im here right now#i think i am#but i feel almost normal until i snap out of it too#sort of autopilot#i almost feel like im not driving my body#like i have some say but not really#weirdest thing is that it kind of affects my vision too#like my eyes feel weird and things look a little bit different#i felt so bad earlier but i dont remember why#i keep trying to think of what it could be but i just cant remember
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<?> I MADE MY ARKHAM ASYLUM PSYCHIATRIST FALL IN LOVE WITH ME (NOT CLICKBAIT)
#scriddler#edward nashton#dano riddler#jonathan crane#fanart#b&w#crossover#hiii so its been a while lol#im still not back into the swing of things enough to get back here#but while thinking about it i saw i hadnt posted this on here#on top of being my first inking attempt like with nibs and stuff its also my fav drawing ive made of these two#i think i only ever posted it on an insta story actually#that acc is now private tho so i might as well repost it here#im sorry that i always turn jon into a moeblob but i cant help myself#i think of his big ol eyes and short height and my hands go on autopilot#im gonna post a bunch of sketches later so look forward tk that if youre into that sort of thing#just to put them out there#have a nice day¡¡
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something strangely comforting in sitting in my car to charge my things and seeing the car lights of other people in the darkness doing the same in the distance
#txt#its almost pitch black#so its nice seeing im not the only one#on a side note: i feel pretty sad#i think i didnokay for most of the day#but i sort of feel like i was in some sort of autopilot#i feel spacey#i should like. idk. see if i can get myself to read a fic or something#ive been working on shit#but its not the shit i *want* to work on#(been trying to work on art to be clear not writing)#(i cant write RIP to that one tf2 fic i started a few years ago)
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makin' noodles! then back to some more ramblings!
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If I see one more person refer to OSDD as a whole as a generalization or synonym of OSDD-1B I'm going to snap the wooden bars of this cage in the enclosures of my mouth and crawl my way out of Hell to Find You.
#News flash! Did you know (near) every section of the DSM-V-TR has a “Otherwise Specified” section?#And that every Other Specified disorder is a form of general symptoms without enough basis or prognosis to become its own diagnosis?#Did No One teach these guys about OSDD-2 OSDD-3 and OSDD-4?#2 is identity disturbance w itense coercive persuasion#AKA mind control changes personalitt#3 is Acute dissociation to stressful events Which is dissociative episodes lasting typically less than a month#So instead of it being chronic theyre just dissociation to an extent where its less tham a month#Typically to one traumatic event and can last as short as a few hours#4 is Disoociative trance which is exactly what it sounds like#Youre in a complete loss of awareness and go into complete autopilot with profound unresponsiveness to stimuli#Hell even 1a is unknown#Where it's all the criteria of Dissociative Identity Disorder but without the formation of separate identity states#But rather seen sort of like “Different Parts” of 1 solitified identity#Can you tell I've been reading my favorite section of the clinical psych Bible (DSM-V-TR)#I just hate when people say everyone with OSDD is a system or whatever NO. THEYRE. NOT. BREAKS PENCIL.#ITS A WIDE RANGE OF SYMPTOMS AND CRITERIA BECAUSE THE WHOLE POINT IS THAT THEY ARE NOT ITS OWN DISORDER.#IM. GONNA. BREAK. SOMETHING. GRAAAAAH!!!
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So, I was just adding stuff to my ideas notes/lists (for scenarios I want to draw in the future + whatever OC ideas I have so I don't forget them later), and I accidentally got a little TOO into this Mourynn and Faolain scene that was originally just meant to be a funny and snarky jest exchange. But uh, it suddenly went a lot gayer than I was expecting, and now I REALLY wanna work on it laskjdflaskj (this is Firstborn era stuff before the Secondborn exist, for a bit of context) (I mean, I'm still doing two big WIPs atm, and I don't wanna get caught in never ending WIP hell, but HNNG I really wanna do this... I COULD give myself three WIPs... how many WIPs is the minimum needed requirement needed to properly qualify for WIP hell...? I can get away with one more, right??? )
#OC stuff#screaming internally#gotta love it when you're super tired and your brain goes into autopilot daydream autofill writing mode#I think I have enough info in this scene to sort of give enough of a context to what's going on with the 3 of them#Tho I wasn't expecting the first one that I wanted to work on to be a Faolain one; but it just kind of happened naturally#then again there's not a lot of Faolain art out there so maybe this is a good thing that I add more to the wild#and yes I know she's a horrible person; but I still love her too. I love my villains; they make things extra spicy#however I'm angry that the next two days are my longer shifts at work; so this is gonna be very frustrating bc all I wanna do is draw
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Okay just a head's up that I have a lot going on for the next few weeks so my writing's gonna probably be on hold. I can't really focus on it right now because my mind is just elsewhere. Once things are settled though I'll return to writing fics.
#the pixie speaks#right now the only leisure thing i can do is play games because it puts my brain on a sort of escapist autopilot
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met george saunders :) he wishes me well on my work! & signed the copy of tenth of december i annotated in the ward (but i didnt tell him that)
#im mad that ive been sort of depersonalizing so i went on autopilot when we talked#However i did my cunty author event thing where i ask the first question and he was like 'youre a writer arent you. you dont even have to a#swer'#rickyisms
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ive been rotating the ocs in my mind again
#.txt#really fast theyre being centrifuged#specifically nyx fox adam dream-spider and shockwave. and sort of bruce#adding more lore shit to nyx and fox has been so much fun#ive been zoning out at work on autopilot and daydreaming about them lol#swueezing nyx like a stress toy im making his life so mich worse
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for the first time in history I successfully navigated the dreaded Bird Portals of iconoclasm, a feat which will likely never happen again. confused and proud
#it's the ones where the light and dark and blue and purple happen together#I think I got it this time because I was rdm and there was enough rezzing needed that my brain went into healer mode#where I'm on autopilot for mechanics because I'm focused on the group#like I fully understand the mechanic my problem is my brain just overthinks it and gets confused#and by the time I sort it out I'm dead#how to successfully do mechanics: simply do not pay attention and go on vibes#ffxivmp#mp#this pride will only last until that one with the primal aoe patterns because I suck at memory games
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Man. my therapy appointment made me feel bad today bc we did not have enough time to cover everything and also i said some stuff that was a little too real and a little too unpolished and she wrote about 10× as many notes as usual. :( thank god we're on weekly appointments now, i need to go back asap.
#i think we're finally getting into the meat of it all now#also i think i might be having An Episode or possibly An Awakening of some sort bc she said i was acting way different & tbh i feel it too#i think it's really starting to hit me that i really don't get embarrassed anymore and i don't fear consequences or ramifications#so i'm really raw-dogging this shit logic-driven with little to no care for shit i should probably care about a lot#maybe i'm just autopiloting? idk i feel like someone else is behind the wheel and i don't know them very well#adam talks too much
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This is so insanely evil I thought it had to be misinformation but no, this is real, Washington post reported on it in June 2022. Christ
https://www.washingtonpost.com/technology/2022/06/15/tesla-autopilot-crashes/
The fact that Tesla autopilots abort self driving 1 second before a crash so the company can state “self driving wasn’t active during the collision” should be grounds to dismantle the entire company.
Like, seriously, if you’re making 4000 pound death machines, and you program this shit to work on a technicality? Your company should be dismantled. Gone. No recourse. Just terrible shit dude
#idk how it is legal to manufacture cars with any sort of autopilot function#drivers need to be alert#how is the mere existence of autopilot not violating traffic rules#If you aren’t allowed to do it during a road test then you shouldn’t do it at all#idk how this isn’t more regulated
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#delete later#its always fascinating when i get distressed eniugh for my brain to switch off all wants and cares#like i know i care bc i am anxious. but 90% of my emotional capacity is currently non accessible and i am running on pure autopilot#its also nice to see that my autopilot has responded to the amount of work i put into it. it includes physio exercises and meals#and some self care. turns out hsving a crisis plan embedded into your brain is a good thing#sure im the most suicidal ive been in a long time but im also the most functional ive ever been and i have things to do#so everything else can wait until i have the enrgy to sort through it#ive been setting things up for more viewings and pestering ppl for things i need and taking care of ny piercing#as the stress has caused a lot of irritation and swelling so it needs extra care. i even showered today.#go me. its wild what some mental stability does. when it gives way im gonna have an interesting couple weeks but shit will be externally#more stable then so the usual things will help#it is making personal relationships more difficult though. the poor person ive been talking seriously to is flirting and i am#currently not able to access any form of romantic interest or care. previously i would have ghosted but im trying to be better#ny new friend is also getting less than i should be giving her. but i send her cute fox pictures abd that helps.#we shall see how it goes. im lying down a lot and that is helpful. my brain being like this requires a LOT of energy and i cant sleep#so its all a lot. but ill be fine#im very good at being fine with all of this. ahd much better about coming out the other side safely
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whoever is fronting is always the one that is conscious (for want of a better word) so we can't fully access headspace unless no one (or sometimes autopilot) is fronting
#autopilot works in strange ways#it's basically a collection of those little robotic things from big hero 6 ??#but formed into a person#sort of a person
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I'm gonna go...shower. It might help. At least with the congestion. I don't know.
#other post#-?#i think this is called autopilot but im here? sort of#like . im in the body but not the cockpit?#but im CLOSE to it. and theres onky that other guy who wont talk to me and hes not at the conteols so i guess its je abd . the body?#its . like. its working on memory and doing motions but no ones telling it to?#this ks weird
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the way I keep almost clicking on posts that are blacklisted for tfs spoilers… I’m desperate
#I just sort of go into autopilot mode#my brain goes ‘oh this is st related. click on it’ NO!! do NOT!!#i say things
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