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mike-wheeler-faggotry · 2 years ago

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Getting in Mike's Head

Mike is a difficult character to understand, because his primary motivations have been intentionally concealed from the general audience. Fortunately, I'm insane and have been psychoanalyzing him for months, so here's a general analysis of that.

A few things to state before I begin. I'm writing this from the perspective of a gay mike truther, and a byler shipper. If you disagree with either of those I have no problems with you, but you're going to disagree with a fair amount of this analysis.

The main components of Mike's character are: He's gay in a small town during the satanic panic, he's traumatized and generally mentally ill but doesn't have anyone he knows he can rely on, and he's a paladin. All of these wrap around each other to make him suffer, and due to poor coping mechanisms makes those around him hurt too.

Mike's internalized homophobia

Many people have analyzed why Mike is gay, so I won't go into all of that here (i've left one such analysis below, but if anyone would like me to send some other analyses on that topic I would be happy to). However, I will state how it affects him. Mike's family is a typical republican family during this era. Thus, it's unlikely his family would in any way indicate being supportive, and rather likely they would be unsupportive (this is a tv show, so they likely will be supportive, but Mike doesn't know that). He's also seen his best friend since age 5 be bullied for being perceived as gay his whole life.

All of that is to say he definitely has internalized homophobia. I'll go into more detail later, but he definitely thinks he's "wrong" for being in love with Will. He also is (without meaning to) using Jane to hide that. I want to emphasize he does NOT intend to hurt Jane or use her, he's doing so by accident because of poor coping mechanisms.

Mike's Mental Illness

And that's another part of Mike, his poor coping mechanisms. He's just as traumatized as the rest of the cast, but he's doing far worse then most of them. We see in season 1 when he was fully acceptant of throwing himself off the cliff when Will was gone, Jane was gone, and Dustin was in danger. In season 2 he was referenced to have been acting out, but only got punished for it, no mental help.

In season 3 he threw himself into a relationship not based on communication and mutual respect, got himself in trouble for it and crippled his bonds with his friends so he could make out with a girl he doesn't even like that way. Before season 4 when Will and Jane moved away, he locked himself in his room and basement for a month of depression, and in season 4 takes the blame all on himself for both him and Will not staying in touch. Other people have also noticed Mike's possible eating disorder (link below).

All in all, Mike is definitely struggling, and is dealing with it (or rather, not dealing with it) through self-destruction. Whether or not you agree he's dealing with internalized homophobia is one thing (though I definitely think he is), but the fact of the matter is he's not doing well at all.

In addition to self-destruction, he also projects. With the rain fight with Will "it's not my fault you don't like girls" in season 3, with channeling feelings for Will in his "I love you speech" in season 4 (link below), he projects his own feelings onto others, or his feelings for Will onto Jane and vice versa.

And despite the jokes about Mike having rocks for brains, he doesn't underthink; he overthinks. Constantly trying to be a "normal" (straight) teenage boy, to his own detriment, terrified that others will see past the facade and know he's "broken".

Keeping the knowledge of his internalized homophobia and his mental illness in mind explains his quote unquote "toxic" behavior in seasons 3 and 4. He's still the same kid from seasons 1 and 2, things are just too hard for him to handle right now.

Despite It All, Mike is Still a Paladin

Before I go into why he's a paladin, I'll post some quotes on what paladins are like.

"The paladin is a holy knight, crusading in the name of good and order, ..."

"From 1st through 3rd edition, paladins were required to maintain the Lawful Good alignment... Failure to maintain a lawful good alignment or adhere to the code of conduct causes paladins to lose their paladin status and many of their special abilities until they are able to atone. "

(from 5th edition) "Oath of Devotion: paladins who appeal to the loftiest ideals of justice, virtue, and honor. Those who take this oath are typically Lawful Good, following the tenets of honesty, courage, compassion, honor, and duty."

(from Michael Tresca) "fighters of lawful alignment could become paladins from the outset and had a charisma score score of at least 17, positioning paladins as exemplary leaders. Their lawful allegiance was much stricter than other classes [...]. Where the cleric was more a healer and less a combatant, the paladin was more combatant and less healer"

While I'm no expert on D&D and have pulled the above quotes from the Paladin D&D page on wikipedia, given the time I would assume the characters would be playing either first or second edition. But regardless, all of the above indicate the character of a paladin. Often lawful good, a holy knight. A hero who does not succumb to evil (or does not break vows). A leader.

And we see that! Mike IS a leader, he cares about his friends, he is lawful good! At least, when his mental illness doesn't get in the way. His becoming less liked by the audience and decreased plot relevancy being simultaneous make me think that he's a fallen paladin right now. Just as the audience wants him to atone, his paladin status requires him to atone as well.

Why did I bring up the Oath of Devotion specifically? Because he values honesty and justice and honor, but it's very likely his devotion to Will at least partially shaped those values. "Friends don't lie" very possibly came from the character who has only lied once in the entire show, and barely so.

Mike's queerness, his love for Will both repulsing himself and shaping the core of who he is, Mike's overthinking and projection and self-destruction as a result of that and his other trauma, and Mike ultimately being a hero to defends what is good and is the heart of the party, his heart being powered by Will. All who he is wraps around itself, strangling and caressing in equal measure.

Down here I have some posts that explain things above. If you want me to add posts explaining anything else, feel free to ask!

Mike's ED

Why Mike is gay, not bi (written pre-s4)

Mike's ILY speech to Jane doesn't actually fit her at all

(written for @dis-a-ppointment)

#stranger things #mike #byler #gay mike wheeler #posting about the prick #byler tumblr #analysis #byler analysis #mike wheeler #mikewheelerdefenseclub #mike wheeler protection squad #mike wheeler is gay #cleradin

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aijee · 3 years ago

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Hi, aijee! how are you? It's been so...long since I visited your tumblr account. I've been reading your rants and thoughts about your personal life and mw prompt and I really appreciated it. As someone who also having a hard time in my workplace, I've been feeling so lonely and depressed these days. I'm happy that I finally got a job and will be able to help my family in terms of financial but I'm feeling lonely because of the people I've been working with (1/2)

I feel left out and sometimes, i feel like they don't like me or is it just me, overthinking ㅜ.ㅜ anyway, I miss reading your fics. Hope, you're doing well these days!~

Hi anon, I'm feeling alright these days, thank you for asking. :) Not the best that I can be, to be frank, but I'm trying to remind myself that recovery and healing is a slow process, equally for physical and mental/emotional ailments.

Excuse the long read below (though I feel like you probably anticipated that!) I resonated with your messages.

If you'll let me vent a bit, I don't want to beat myself up for not being as energetic/productive as I used to be. The worst part of my brain keeps thinking, "Yeah, sure, we're in a pandemic, but life has always been hard, and there are so many other people who are doing just fine in this pandemic." In reality, a pandemic is a pandemic. It's unprecedented, a big fucking deal, and vaccines don't solve the wider societal issues connected to it. None of us have ever prepared for this sort of thing. Plus, we will never really know if people are truly okay based on face-value and assumptions; hell, fully vaccinated people are still suffering worldwide—financially, socially, constantly weighed by the pressure of, again, a global pandemic. I don't want to keep reminding people of it, but I guess I'm trying to remind others (and myself, honestly) that this never-ending feeling of burnout isn't out of nowhere and isn't a direct reflection of our capabilities.

To actually address your messages, first of all I want to congratulate you on your job and your newfound opportunity to financially support your family! Your family is lucky to have someone like you financially supporting them in a difficult time. Hopefully that part of your life isn't too big a burden. (I know too many people who work hard for their families, only for families to leech off of them, largely due to this societal expectation in many Asian cultures that earnings and resources are for the betterment of the whole family.)

I'm sorry to hear that your workplace life is on the more sad side of the spectrum, and that you feel lonely and depressed there. If I correctly recall, it's a medical job, right? I imagine The Big Health Problem worldwide isn't helping, if not already exacerbated medical workplace environments since long ago.

If I may offer some perspective, I understand the feelings you're feeling. Starting a new job is really tough! You're the new person so you haven't established relationships with others yet. You don't know everything or where things are located as easily. You need to ask for help. And if the people around you aren't receptive to that "baby worker" stage, then it can be tough to feel like you belong. It'll feel lonely, like you're not doing something right and/or other people don't like you because of inevitable gaps in what you know.

I felt super incompetent through the first few months of full-time work, like my boss only hired me because I worked part-time for them as a student (which is nothing compared to the real job). Everyone around me was always busy, smart, accomplished, etc. But I realized that because everyone is so busy (+ social distancing always in the air), hanging out is rarely on the mind. I had to go the extra mile outside my comfort zone to invite people to eat with me, or talk about non-work things, etc. Most people were pretty receptive to that! Those who weren't might not be in the mood (they have their own complex lives, after all) or preoccupied; maybe a different day/time, or maybe they're just not someone I should engage with. That has nothing to do with me. I know not every workplace is like that, but I like think that normal human beings with some heart would be glad to socialize or eat together if invited.

I don't want to push advice onto you, because that's not what you asked for. But my intention is to hopefully lighten your burden by pointing fingers at uncontrollable circumstances and the personal lives your coworkers live outside your knowledge.

Additionally, I'm a huge introvert with anxiety and depression, and I'm the type of person who would obsess over how I think other people think of me. But through some therapy insight, lots of reflection, and even more time, I've come to the realization that how I think people think of me is not the same as how people actually think of me. It makes sense that we'd have that defense mechanism though, right? To minimize conflict and to protect ourselves from hurt. But then I'd overthink literally every interaction I'd have with people and run my internal self ragged with negative opinions of myself that didn't come from others—they came from myself. I imagine that the "perfection" expected of medical workers could factor into this defense mechanism and cycle. It took me a long time to learn that I can stop bending myself backwards in the desperate hope of preventing negative opinions about me, since those will exist no matter what.

This isn't something that can be fixed, clearly, and might not even be that relevant to you. But I wanted to mention it anyway in the chance it would be.

I obviously don't know you personally, or the nuances of your workplace. There are probably a million and one other pertinent details I can't address. And there's also obviously a balance between not giving a shit about other people's opinions vs. acting in a way to maintain workplace harmony. But hopefully one or two things I've written in this long-ass post will be of some help to you moving forward in your work. There is still a lot of potential for positive change. It'll take time.

#askaijee

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isa-ly · 4 years ago

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HOW TO EMOTION?

TW: mental health, therapy, repression, dissociation

Today’s just one of those days where I’m questioning whether or not I’ve completely lost the ability of functioning like a normal human and kind of feel like the Tin Man from Wizard of Oz. You know, casual Friday.

I know this is a written blog, but since I am also very much a woman of images and metaphors, I shall once again try and elaborate the issue of today’s post by making it into a well-known, kinda dead and yet very accurate pop culture meme:

I am not kidding, this is what I look and feel like in most of my therapy sessions. I’m pretty sure Kerstin would agree with me here, as the topic of feeling, or more like my inability of doing so, has been pretty much been the red string winding itself through my mental health journey so far. I mentioned it briefly in the last post, but I figured since today is just one of those pesky overthinking ones, I might just dive in a bit deeper and try to detangle my knotted thoughts into something a bit more coherent.

I’ve talked about this before to some of my closer friends and honestly, every time I tried to explain it, I just felt like an absolute mad psychopath. Don’t get me wrong, I know that I’m not, but it’s kind of hard to get people to understand what it feels like to just ... not feel. Okay, that sounds a little bit too dramatic, let me try and re-phrase it in a way that makes more sense.

I talked all about the metaphorical elephant and it’s even more metaphorical stake last time and this is kind of the extended version of that issue. The Stake Supreme, if you will. Basically, one of the earliest coping mechanisms that I picked up when I was very young, was to simply swallow down any feelings of anger, rage, sadness or hurt and pretend that they just weren’t there. Now, that’s not really something very unusual, as we generally live in a society that doesn’t leave a lot of room to healthily express or work through our emotions with the crushing weight of professional, educational, financial, social and personal pressure constantly weighing on our shoulders. So, again, I’m very well aware that me pretending that my bad feelings don’t exist, does in no way, shape or form make me a special snowflake.

It does, however, make me a very emotionally repressed and mentally inept snowflake. And that’s not really great either.

It took me many therapy sessions to figure out that what I had used as a necessary protection mechanism for all my childhood and young adulthood, had slowly but certainly turned into the root of pretty much all my current mental health issues. And here I was, thinking that mommy and daddy issues were just a try-hard-to-be-relatable brand that pseudo-depressed people on Twitter liked to use to excuse their shitty personalities. Oh no, am I one of them now? Alright, back to the point.

I’m just going to try to explain, both to myself and you, what happens in my head whenever the aforementioned process of ~A Feeling~ occurs. Where normally, I would experience something that elicits an emotion that I then experience and feel, lately (and by that I mean ever since some of the more severe of my mental issues started happening) I instead feel like the actual emotion gets stuck somewhere between having been produced and actually reaching my consciousness. In a way, to get back to that earlier visual, it feels like I’m the Tin Man. The feeling gets dropped into my empty tin chest and while I try my absolute hardest to actually feel it, it just sits there. Not really arriving, not really unfolding, just existing while remaining completely detached from me. And I continue to feel how you would imagine a man made out of tin and air would feel: hollow.

I’m trying really hard not to make another load of self-deprecating jokes here, as sharing and trying to explain this makes me beyond uncomfortable. Instead, I’m just going to keep going because that’s kind of the point of this blog. When I told my therapist what I typed up there just now, she explained to me that this strategy of processing (or lack thereof, actually), is commonly referred to as repression and dissociation. And that with my history of handling emotions (or, once again, lack thereof), it actually made quite a lot of sense for me to struggle with this.

She then went on to explain that one could imagine it like this: Whenever anything triggers an emotion to be formed (which, you know, happens quite a lot, since that’s kind of all that human brains do), my self-taught mechanism is to immediately replace it with a so called ‘non-feeling’. I know, that word seemed strange to me too in the beginning. What it means is that by having constantly invalidated and swallowed down my own feelings of anger and sadness through the course of my youth, I unintentionally created this perfect, well-oiled machine of repression that unquestioningly does its job without me even noticing. In a way, I somehow mastered the art of literally, fully and completely detaching myself from my emotions and simply viewing them as separate entities to my own mind.

Now, while that sounds like a sick villain superpower, I’m gonna be honest: It kind of fucking sucks. Especially on days like these, where old habits resurface and I once again find myself looking at my own emotions as if they were statistics on a computer, knowing that they are there, knowing that they exist within me, but for the life of me not being able to actually feel them.

That’s yet another thing I also learned in therapy. There are miles, literal continents, if not even multiverses, between rationally knowing you should feel something and actually feeling it. I’m not completely insane and oblivious, I very well know that I am capable of having emotions and that they are there and being produced by many funky chemicals working together in my brain. However, simply knowing this on an intellectual level is no where close to satisfactory if you cannot actually feel it too.

It’s like looking at ice cream, knowing that it’s there, seeing it with your own two eyes, remembering and being able to imagine the taste, the texture, the sweetness and yet never really actually being able to eat it. Never really feeling it melt it in your mouth. It remains an idea, a concept, close to smoke in thin air that you can very clearly see, and yet never really grasp.

And that, as you might be able to imagine (or even relate to, if you’ve experienced it before), is just not a lot of fun, to be quite frank. Emotional repression? Yeah, no, that one definitely gets a bad Yelp! review from me. Wouldn’t recommend. Zero stars out of five.

In addition to accidentally failing to process my own emotions (are you proud of me, mum?), there’s also the other half of the problem which is, as my therapist already mentioned, the dissociation. Now, I want to be clear here: While I’ve gotten quite a few medical diagnoses in my time in therapy, the actual condition of dissociation or dissociative disorder, which is actually a personality disorder, is not one that I ever received. The dissociation my therapist talked about, ergo the one I am experiencing, is more situational and linked to the repression. Funnily enough, it is literally happening at the current moment, while I’m writing this post.

Actually, it’s been there for every post I wrote. It is also there during almost every therapy session and whenever I attempt to talk to someone about my problems or feelings. If you ask me how I am and we get talking about my mental health, you can assume that I’ll be dissociating about two minutes into the conversation. Usually, it’s not something that is very noticeable. At least that’s what I like to believe, maybe it’s also super obvious, like my soul leaving my body, and people are simply confused or kind enough not to mention it. Who knows.

My therapist, however, did notice it, as she let me know after a few sessions, when I first tried to describe what dissociating felt like to me. “Oh, yeah, I can tell whenever it happens. I just thought I’d give you your space until you wanted to talk about it”, was what she had said. Oh, Kerstin. You’re a real keeper.

So, what does it feel like to dissociate? (I once again pretend that someone is asking so I don’t feel like I’m talking to myself about myself). It’s a little hard to explain but here’s what I have told some of the friends I have talked to about it before: Imagine from pretty much one second to the other, your entire head is filled with cotton, kind of like you’re really tired and exhausted and everything that you see or hear doesn’t really get through the thick wool that seems to have replaced your brain. Forming thoughts and staying in the moment gets harder with every minute that passes. There’s this weird pull at the back of your neck and the front of your forehead that kind of just wants you to close your eyes and drift away. Far away to somewhere where it’s quiet and cotton-y and there’s no one or nothing else around you.

It’s not just mental, it’s physical. It feels like your brain hit the shut down button without your consent, like it’s slowly closing the blinds as it gets darker and darker and you just want to fall asleep. Speaking seems to become almost painful, thinking coherent thoughts is close to impossible and following what others are saying is a million times harder all of a sudden. It’s like the world has gone out of focus and you’re trying to sharpen the lense again, to no success.

Actually, I think that a lot of people have experienced dissociative symptoms before. Not to play Dr. Freud here, but it happens quite a lot, for example during panic or anxiety attacks. Some of my friends have told me that it felt like they had suddenly left their body and were watching themselves as from across the room. That’s why often dissociating is also described as an out of body experience. Because in a way, it literally is one.

As my therapist explained to me, and as I experience it too, it’s comparable to your brain throwing a metaphorical fuse because it’s in danger of short circuiting. My dad would be so proud if he saw me making electrician references (yes, he is a trained electrician, okay). Anyway, what I’m trying to say is: Often, when I’m exposed to emotions (and that includes talking or writing about them), my brain will run a little too hot like an old, wary car engine, and before it gets too close to exploding into a fiery death, it simply flips the switch and disconnects itself from the body and the emotions that are happening in it. Just like the repression, this is yet another safety mechanism that my brain came up with in reaction to me never really learning how to correctly process emotions. So, whenever some of those stronger feeling resurface or leak out, it tries to protect me from them by cutting the connection between the both of us.

In almost every way, it feels like I’m being locked out of my own head and can no longer really use my own brain. To someone who’s never felt that before, this might seem a little terrifying. And I agree that, objectively, it is. Knowing that the grey goo behind your skull has the power to shut out what in the ever-loving fuck is considered your conscious self, is a bit worrisome, to say the least. However, to me, it’s something that I have a) gotten very used to by now and b) in the moment don’t actually experience as something scary at all. I’m disconnected, remember?

Which is also why it’s sometimes very, very hard to get grounded again and find the way back into my own head. Like a bird that’s accidentally escaped its cage, proceeding to go fucking rogue in the living room, then crashing into a wall, all while trying to figure out what the fuck is happening while it’s on the verge of blacking out. I’ll often feel so dull and dizzy that all I really want to do is curl up and stare at a wall until eventually, my mind and body connect again and things are back to normal.

To kind of circle back to the whole theme of this post: This whole dissociation thing is very strongly connected to my tendency of emotional repression. It’s somewhat of a vicious cycle, which is why days like the one I’m having right now, can be a little tricky. It starts with me feeling empty and hollow, bim-bam-Tin-Man, and is usually followed with feelings of isolation and depression, since I cannot seem to get joy, satisfaction, or any emotion, really, out of anything. This then often leads to me trying to force some sort of emotion into myself, struggling to dig through my subconscious in hopes of finding something, anything, and eventually becoming even more frustrated. Aha! Frustration! That’s an emotion, right? It’s there! Can you feel it? I think you can, oh wow, there it is! Oh, wait, no ... no, now my head is getting heavy. Everything’s blurry. Is the feeling still there? Maybe. Who cares, just close your eyes now. So sleepy, hm ... floaty float.

Okay, sorry, that just turned into a weird combination of a badly written slam poem and a pretentious high school theater class rendition of some old play no one has ever heard of. I’ll just use the fact that I’m still dissociated as hell as an excuse for now. Wait a minute ... if I’m this spacey and zoned out right now, how am I even managing to write this post? Huh? Isa? Explain yourself!

Well, I haven’t been in therapy for nothing. It’s been over eight months of Kerstin and me figuring all of this out, finally putting a name and label to it and therefore understanding why it’s there and how it works. Which has helped me a great lot in actually handling it. That’s kind of the whole point of therapy after all, isn’t it? Don’t get me wrong: These days where I feel repressed, empty and dissociated, can still be hard and they’re rarely ever fun. They honestly make me want to bash my head against a wall in hopes that that will make it go back to normal.

But since I don’t really favour having a concussion on top of feeling depressed and detached from my body, I have learned to use other counter-measurements to help the process of finding my balance again. Rebuilding that mojo, am I right? This post is already pretty long, so I won’t go into even more detail on all the different methods and mechanisms of bouncing back, but I’ll say this much: I spent a good portion of therapy trying to learn when to push and when to rest whenever I’m feeling dissociated. And yeah, it’s a fine line and I still haven’t fully figured out how to walk it without falling from one extreme into the other.

But take this blog, for example. I know that writing it, actively facing my problems and the very strong, repressed emotions connected to them, will make me dissociate like hell. A few months ago, that would have been reason enough for me to not do it and simply ignore it again. Now, however, after working with my therapist and on myself, I have learned how to push my own limits just far enough in order to, in this case, continue to write even though it feels like my brain is about to burst into a cotton explosion. It’s a give and take, a sort of push and pull I’m playing with my own mind and head. But as time progressed, I figured out the game plan a little better, I learned my own rules and the secret short cuts and cheating methods (because come on, who really plays fair, that’s for boring losers) and the resting time it takes for me to restore my strengths again.

So, today for example, I woke up as Mr. Tin Man, progressed to being a lost, numb and rogue dissociation-bird (man, I really gotta work on my metaphors, this is just getting worse by the minute) and then decided that the best way to counter-act all of it, would be to sit down and write my lovely new blog. Has it helped? A little, yeah. It took my mind off the right things, made some others a bit worse and intense but now, I feel a little more stable and like I managed to talk some sense back into my spiraling, detached brain.

Kerstin, please tell me you’re proud of me. Because as we all know, therapy is about impressing your therapist and not about getting better for your own sake. Pft, who needs that. What do we want? Validation! When do we want it? All the time, because we never got it as a child, so now it’s the only thing we crave in life!

Yikes.

Alright. So, here we are. Since I’m still feeling a little zoned out and dopey, I’m not fully sure if everything I wrote made complete sense. But hey, while this blog is for others to read should they feel like it, it’s still mainly there for me to sort my own racing thoughts before they can spiral out of control. And I think I managed to do that just now. And I know that that feels kind of nice.

Actually, I feel it too.

P.S.: I just had to. A little self-deprecation doesn’t hurt anyone.

#therapy #retrospection #repression #dissociation

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myemptiestvoid · 4 years ago

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brain dump

entire post will be one big ramble because thats what i do best.

today i woke up and i’m not okay because my brain sucks and it broke again so i am going to type until the urge of wanting to kill myself and/or hurt myself disappears. i dont understand why this happens. i dont know how to explain it to anybody but it fucking sucks.

i dont understand how one day, everything is completely fine and im happy, im okay and in the matter of like... what 8 hours? i wake up and everything is going to fucking shit in my mind. its harder because i really dont think anybody can fully comprehend the way i feel whenever i get like this so i just rather not talk. sulk in my own silence and cry until i cant cry anymore.

overall, im happy but im not happy. and im not sure if that even makes sense because its hard to explain. am i the happiest ive been in a while? yes. i can absolutely say this and agree to that thought. but on a mental spectrum i dont think im happy. if i was, i wouldnt feel like this.

i want nothing more than to just disappear from everything and exist in my own realm. i feel like i am a burden to a lot of people and everyone has pity for me because i cant manage to keep myself grounded or ok for more than a week and its annoying. i hate feeling like this. i hate feeling like im bothering people. i just want everything to be okay and im not sure if thats ever going to be a thing.

the one thing im good at is running from my problems and avoiding how i feel and thats probably the unhealthiest coping mechanism ive developed. some days i want to relapse, which is kinda fucked. i relapsed once this year and felt like this about it because i threw away 3 solid years of sobriety, started over but since that day ive just wanted to do it again. the one thing i can remember about that period was feeling nothing and although it felt weird to feel nothing it also felt really fucking great. it felt good not having to deal with anything and just being numb to everything around me. it felt good just existing and not caring about shit because i was way too high to give a damn about it. being sober has made me realize how bad things are./

i try my best but i feel like my best isnt enough. my best isnt doing anything beneficial for me. i am in a never ending cycle of wanting to end my entire existence day in and day out. i am in a never ending cycle of wanting to split myself open until i bleed out. and it scares me because i really feel like one day ill do it. one day i wont have control over anything im feeling and thats going to be the day it happens. and nobody will be there to help me because ive learned over time what id have to do in order for nobody to find me in that position to stop it.

the older i get, the more i remember. i dont like that. i wish i didnt have to remember anything bad that happened to me or that i was lucky enough like paris to just.. push all of that so far back in my head it never happened. i resent my mom for a lot of it because in the grand scheme of things its really her fault. she let all of that happen to me and here i am today, dealing with it. by myself. because im too scared to open up about what really happened to me growing up. and even if i did she wouldnt care because she continues to deny everything. the way things work is just weird. i dont get how someone can deny the way they make you feel or guilt trip you for feeling that way. im happiest when im away from her. and it sucks because thats my mom but i dont know. i feel like an actual mother wouldnt ever put you in a position to be hurt like that. i remember being little and telling her the things that would happen to me and she never believed me. that sucks. instead of listening to me she just kept putting me in situations that enabled the people around to do it more. instead of listening to me i felt like i had to protect myself against everyone around me. thats probably why im so scared of people now. i feel like everyone is going to do something to me and i dont like living my life like that. i wouldnt be like this or feel any of this if she just listened to me and even then, if she cared for two seconds about someone other than herself to realize how much damage she causes.

i wish i could fix our relationship but i dont think thats going to be a thing and i kinda just started to accept that over the last few weeks. it doesnt matter what i do for her its never going to be enough. her biggest mistake in life was having me out of spite and it shows. i will continue to blame myself for the way she is. i will continue to feel like its my fault. is it true? no. but thats something i cant change. if she was an alcoholic that accepted the fact she was an alcoholic and held herself accountable for the things she does, i think id be less angry about everything. i wouldnt be as upset. but its the fact shes an alcoholic, lying about being an alcoholic, denying the fact that shes an alcoholic that gets under every layer of me to the point im so frustrated about it. i woudnt care if she was open about the issue but she isnt. she hides things like i wont know or like i dont know. but its very obvious. ever since 11/29/18 shes lied day in and day out about her problem. i tried to help but nothing works and i honestly dont care to help anymore.

i am selfless. a little too selfless. im selfless to the point that im willing to put my own needs so far behind me in order to help everyone else and then i realize that i am in a deep deep mess of a puddle and i cant get out of it. everything begins to consume me like im standing in quicksand and then it just gets bad. im selfless when it comes to my mom because i just want her to be ok. i want her to be happy. but shes happiest whenever shes drunk and i cant change that. thats what i have to accept. but its a lot easier to say that than it is to actually accept it.

i dont know what to do and its frustrating me.

brain is fairly empty and that feeling isnt there anymore but im probably going to end up feeling like that again so more brain dumps. at the end of the day i just need to stop overthinking and probably do something more productive to help myself.

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managingweekly-blog · 6 years ago

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Mini Assignment: Why Are You Special?/ SWOT Analysis

Video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_lfxYhtf8o4&t=75s

This week, we were assigned a mini project to watch a linked video on why no one was special. We were then to write about what makes us special as well as do a SWOT analysis. Here is a brief backstory, in the video a man was giving a speech to a class of graduating seniors. The main topic of the speech was that nobody is special, that we will all go out into the world and realize that we are all facing similar problems and that the BS that was experience in high school is nothing compared to adulthood. He explains that childhood is over and we have to learn that there will be no more handholding and that even it comes to other people in the workforce and people in the real world that you are not special to them, you are a person. I find it funny because I had actually see that video before it was assigned because my freshmen year of college I had to write about a misconception for my UNVI class. I decided to write about the misconception that everyone thinks they are special. Personally, I find it must easier to write about why people are not special rather than why they are. It is hard to find character trait or one specific thing that makes an individual person special when there are 7 billion other people on the planet. To be able to be recognized the world, you have to have done great things and I do not know if I will ever be that kind of person.

Why Am I Special?

So to answer this fairly difficult question. I do not fully know or possibly just do not understand what makes me special as a person. I mean it is hard to pinpoint one things because I feel like my personality makes me special but then again everyone's personality makes them special, with the expectation of a fair few like the boring monotoned people, but even they probably have something interesting about them like a hobby. I know that I am genetically different from people based off the fact that I have a different sequence of DNA that no one on this earth with ever have. I just personally find it hard to understand why I am special. If I had to choose one trait, it would probably be that I am a well rounded person. Now before you say that that's boring lets look at the definition of well rounded. From a quick google search, well rounded is defined as “pleasingly varied or balanced.” I am kind of a jack of all traits. I am an engineering student so I do a lot of upper level science and math in combination with problem solving for specific conditions which engages my critical thinking skills. In addition, I was also deeply involved with art growing up starting with drawing 2D then moving into 3D and shading and moved into sculpture towards the later part of my art career. Doing anything in art requires a level of creativity especially when I was in art school. VCU has a very competitive art school, so I was constantly challenging myself, creativity, and learning new skills such as woodworking and welding so I could work with different materials. These traits combine allow me to use creative problem solving to come up with unique solutions.

SWOT Analysis

Strength: don’t hold back, funny, smart in many areas, dynamic, well rounded, quick learner; open minded, perseverance, eye for detail

Weaknesses: impulsiveness; overthinking; too hard on myself; quiet

Opportunities: I am able to put together my skills from engineering and my art background which gives me the potential to do well in the engineering field particularly civil, mechanical, and industrial engineering. Because I am open minded, I am usually on broad with trying new things which can open me up to new experiences.

Threats: not contributing enough in group discussion overcomplicating situations; having an improper reaction

Mantra: left brain right brain

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chang-reaction · 7 years ago

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Living with anxiety, unapologetically.

Pop culture calls us petty, extra, paranoid, and crazy hot messes. But really, our brains just never stop working. A simple “hi” catapults our brain into overdrive and we start wondering why you didn’t include an explanation point or an emoji. We instantly begin pulling up our data points, or popularly known as receipts, to see if you are behaving differently. We are reluctant to take things at face value because our brains function exclusively on a “worst case scenario” mode. Maybe that’s why we make great lawyers.

We don’t want to be this way. We want to just go with the flow and let things go. But the smallest things can trigger us. Why didn’t you tag me in that meme? Are you upset with me? Are we not friends anymore?

This is where the panic sets in and we are reliving and reevaluating literally every single second of interaction we ever had with you, your friends, and even our friends’ encounters with your friends. We must have all the relevant information in order to make an accurate assessment of the situation. We need to be prepared because our anxiety has convinced us that this is a level 500 and it is the end of the world.

Don’t get me wrong. We are fully aware that there are other logical explanations to your seemingly unenthusiastic “hi,” such as the fact that it could be 7 am on a Monday. Statistically speaking, it usually isn’t a level 5, let along level 500. Matter of fact, there usually isn’t even a level. However, we have again created a whole alternate universe (that is very real to us) because of one single event.

Here’s the problem: the little voice that tells us “but what if.” It’s the “what if” that keeps us up at night, losing our minds over the one sentence you uttered or one text you sent. What if we misread your text and you were actually upset? What if you’re no longer invested in us? What if I hurt your feelings? What if I turned in the wrong assignment? What if my email never sent? What if I read the wrong cases?

We are afraid of failures and we are afraid of losses. We are terrified of people leaving us or hurting us. Some of us lost loved ones. Some of us were assaulted. Some of us were abused. Some of us experienced trauma that we will never speak about. Some of us have always lived with anxiety. Sometimes there are no observable physical manifestations yet sometimes we are immobilized for minutes or hours on end. The walls close in and we cannot breathe. It affects everyone differently.

We are fast to doubt our self-worth because someone or something has made us feel like we were nothing. Despite all of our accomplishments since then, we are easily triggered to return to that negative space. We often feel like we are outcasts of the society because we become obsessive over a trivial event. We require excessive reassuring that things really are okay because what we know logically doesn’t easily translate to how we feel emotionally.

This makes most meaningful relationships particularly difficult. With friendships or relationships, we get jealous very easily. It is not because we think you are an unfaithful friend or partner, but rather because we are insecure. We see all your effort to be there for us, but anxiety tells us that sooner or later, you will leave us. Why would anyone want to be friends with or in a relationship with someone so broken? So, it’s only natural that you would want to replace us with someone who is capable of being optimistic. That’s the fear behind every bout of spiraling overthinking.

Please understand that anxiety is a part of who we are and stop telling us to “just relax” or “just chill.” It’s insulting and hurtful. It presumes that we can control our anxiety and that we are bringing this on ourselves. Don’t tell us that getting over it is the mature thing to do. We do not choose to be petty just for the fun of it. It is not fun to constantly rehash why no one loves us.

What we need is just for you to hear us out and patiently talk us through as we recognize when we’re being irrational. Our jealousy is not reflective of our distrust in you but our distrust in ourselves. Some of us are capable of disguising the anxiety because society tells us there’s something wrong with us. However, I’m here to tell you that we are not a burden and our anxiety makes us who we are. The tendency to overanalyze is the same mechanism that makes us highly efficient and highly functional. It’s the same reason that we are detail-oriented and excellent at risk analysis. It is that same skill that allows us to be empathetic and perceptive. We don’t need shining knights to save us. After all, we didn’t get here without knowing how to cope with anxiety. What we need is understanding and patience. We just want someone to listen to the rationales behind our anxiety and panic and say “that’s silly and I still love you.”

Song suggestions for similar experiences: Ready For Ya by Demi Lovato, Liability by Lorde, and Messy by Fifth Harmony

#anxiety #socialanxiety #livingwithanxiety

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