#sort of an apology for my last very depressing post lol

[the-canadian-nerd]

We also never got to see Kanan’s turn at throwing Kallus around as a cover for him being Fulcrum.

Like, did the other members of the Ghost Crew takes turns tossing their poor Fulcrum agent about; not only as a cover but also as payback for all the years he spent chasing them.

I like to imagine that they would judge and score each other’s throws:

Hera had the lowest score, only because she had the least amount of chances to throw him, as she was usually the one flying or was at base

Chopper was also very low, only because they gave him less opportunities on purpose, out of fear that he would accidentally/on purpose kill Kallus

There are debates whether or not Kallus getting thrown by a shockwave from one of Sabine's bombs counts; she argues that it does, since Kanan and Ezra use the Force to throw him, where are Ezra argues that it doesn't, mostly becomes if it did she would beat him

Kanan comes in second - he is also the most gentle thrower; or at least doesn't whack Kallus around like a tether ball unlike some others (probably because he can feel the ghosts of his master and grandmaster watching him messing around with an Imperial spy and doesn't want to disappoint them with non-Jed-like behaviour)

Jokes on him, the Jedi ghosts are doing their own scoring and argee that Sabine's bombs count

Ezra and Zeb are tied for first and it is a fierce competition between them; they will try some of the most insane shit to one-up each other, though luckily for Kallus the rest of the crew convince them to take it down a notch and they buy Kallus several drinks after he officially joins the Rebellion

[venus-is-thinking]

DRDT Chapter 2 Episode 12: Initial Thoughts

Hello everyone! I thought it'd be fun to do a post going over some of my first thoughts from the episode after each release. "Initial" is a bit of a stretch, considering I did watch it a second time while making this post, but it's more "initial" in the context of being before the next episode drops. It's sort of like my "initial thoughts" of the Milgram MVs, which are actually the result of, like, 3 hours of obsessing and research, lol.

(By the way, @accirax and I watched the episode together, so apologies if her initial thoughts end up being, like, the same as mine.)

SPOILER WARNING FOR DRDT CH 2 EP 12!

T/W: Body image issues/body dysmorphia, murder, suicide

The Reactions

Confirmation of what I think most of us already suspected! I do think it's a little weird that Nico didn't bring up their testimony about all of the fish being there at the last time they fed the fish. That probably means it's being saved for later in the Trial, I guess?

It's okay Teruko, I saw literally no one in the entire fanbase figure this one out either!

Why is everyone so mean to her though. Everyone here has been an idiot in the Trials at LEAST once

God I missed David

This was so funny. Get his ass.

(In all seriousness, though, I do wonder if we're going to come back to what J said. I don't currently (?) think Arei was drenched, unless the real purpose of the water WAS just to confuse the time of death, so if the water didn't connect with her enough to cool her down, it might be weird that the body isn't warm after all.)

This took me out. Who let you say that. What.

Okay, but Ace, outside of a killing game... why. Like, literally why would a plastic surgeon need to know how to do an autopsy. King.

Like Felicity...? /hj

All in all, though, this was a really interesting character moment for Arturo! And god, the fact that he started learning medical knowledge and spedrun plastic surgery specifically since age 12 HAS to mean something. My vague theories of Felicity having struggles with body image/dysmorphia (Arturo's section of this post) are... maybe real???

Honestly, I'm starting to wonder if Arturo is going to go farther in this game. I don't expect him to survive or anything, but I could see it taking him a surprisingly long time to die. He feels like he's got too much lore to unpack to die, like, next chapter. Unless he gets HELLA focused next chapter, which is definitely possible.

This is so silly. I love them.

(Note: I'm not a Whit mastermind truther, but if I were, I would point out that MonoTV sort of covering up a rules violation for Whit could be relevant. I'm not a Whit mastermind truther though, so I think this is just a very silly joke a la "no wifi! why live :(" )

Well you see Eden, the killer would have actually had all night to prepare. If, say, they mentioned that they could dial in and focus on their work for like 14 hours straight, they could have gotten a lot done before 7:30 AM!

I'll talk about this more later, but the fact that J, David, Veronika, Hu and Nico seemingly have alibis that actually matter is so iconic. I can't believe that many theories died that quick. I'll talk about that more in my theories section, though!

It's been said before, but. Funniest fucking reaction to being declared innocent of murder.

"David still has a family history of depression even if that isn't his secret" nation where you at?

This one made me laugh out loud. Who does it like him

How truthful do we think David is in this next section? I refuse to believe it's 100% a lie, just because he's cooking SO hard on SOMETHING, but I could also believe David thinks he's lying to an extent. I could definitely see a "the best lies are based on the truth" kind of thing?

Also, damn. Xanvid really is real. LGI got me to believe it but WOW David's just being gay on main now

This was a really good, succinct way to have Teruko show her opposition to David's ideas. Even if it is to end the killing game or do something "good' or whatever, Teruko is still hurt and betrayed by what Xander did. Xander tried to kill her, and presumably would have tried to kill everyone else. David is now doing the same thing.

It's going to be really interesting if, whether genuine or not, David is kinda taking on Xander's position. That's going to give Teruko a reason to (outwardly) hate him even more. I'm really looking forward to learning more about how both Teruko and David view Xander.

Also, it's so fucking funny that Teruko and David are literally fighting over Xander. Like, valid, but. Guys.

(Also, David soooo knows Teruko's secret is the killing game is all your fault. Idk if he specifically knows that Xander's plan was to kill Teruko no matter what, but he's definitely caught on to some extent.)

This was crazy. Is Xander famous? Why would everyone recognize him? Like, did David just take particular notice of Xander because he's a simp, or is there something else going on?

Notably, it's also extremely interesting that David says "Even if you all lost a year of memories for this killing game." It almost implies that David didn't? What do you know???

Also, if David DOES have weird memories about this that no one else does, it's a really interesting comparison to Teruko remembering the existence of a killing game in the area investigation when she was talking to Veronika. Are these two getting special memory privileges because they're important? Or does everyone have some kind of memory that they all should have, but only one person knows each thing?

At first I was confused when David said this, because I really don't know how dear anyone in DRDT's life to him was other than Xander. But then I realized, if David is talking about killing 15 others and yourself, he's definitely still talking about Xander's mindset. Xander had something worth the lives of 16 people that he was trying to do.

I don't know how much David cares about ending the killing game. I wonder if "belief in Xander" is the thing he's willing to kill 13 people plus himself for?

I'm starting to get REALLY curious what J's deal is. Between this and her voiced line earlier in the trial saying something along the lines of "it's like you all still haven't grasped just how serious murder is," she definitely seems to have strong opinions on specifically the morality of killing other people. WHY is she being singled out with these beliefs, what does it say about her, and where is her character headed?

(If she is the mastermind, does this couple with the "all murderers must be held accountable" rule?)

"Any answer" is so funny. I think she's looking for the truthful answer, David. This is why no one believes you when you say anything ever /aff

Notably, this is VERY similar to the plan Eden came up with that Veronika described: using the fact that TV shows need entertainment to continue to end the killing game. It's the same thing, but with a much more depressed "everyone should just give up" kind of flavor.

The level of similarity does make me think David is probably not being 100% truthful, and that he just repurposed Eden's escape plan to be something sort of similar to what he was going for.

I do think that he WAS trying to defeat the killing game by killing people through the class trial. I just think that, between Xander's actions and the motive secret he received, he was trying to kill Teruko specifically. Yet another way that David's unhinged behavior ties into the Chapter 2 secrets.

*Hu hopeless child looms in the distance*

I'm so glad that Hu gets to pop off though. She really hasn't gotten, like, any content in the series so far. Here's hoping this is kicking off her getting a bunch of time to shine!

Interesting that they had both Ace and Hu cut Nico off in this interaction. The staging definitely implies that they're trying to show that while Ace is wrong for talking over Nico and not letting them say anything, Hu is also wrong to an extent for not letting Nico defend themself and running to their rescue all the time.

I am begging you. Please discuss the murder method. I didn't realize until my rewatch of the trial that they have actually literally not talked about the murder method at ALL except for telling David that he doesn't know shit about it.

HUH?????????????

Theory Update/Analysis

Well, I'm gonna start this off by saying that I'm still pretty locked into Eden being the killer. We still need to address the tape, and I personally still found her to be decently shifty now behavior wise (she seemed nervous when we turned back to solving the trial, and she says something about "it's too hard to narrow down the killer :/" when people were talking about morning alibis). I just think it makes the most sense.

While obviously my logic for why Levi would be the accomplice has to be at least somewhat flawed, given Levi's surprise confession (!!!), I still think it's possible that Levi is the accomplice here. He could be doing this to further confuse/complicate the state of things (hence why he calls it leading people astray), and it's possible he's not being 100% honest here.

Something that Levi could be doing here is taking control of the situation and spinning the truth in his favor. Hu mentioned earlier (e11, I think?) that the secrets are phrased dramatically. Similarly, Levi may be trying to offer an explanation for his secret that might be more tame, but still believable.

For example, if Levi says that he killed one of his parents because of the circumstances he grew up in, but it turned out that his parents were extremely abusive to him in some way (cough cough Amane Momose), wouldn't people be more willing to forgive the fact that he's a "murderer"? There are different levels to the culpability of murders.

So, it's definitely possible this is still an attempt by Levi to conceal the truth of his secret. It's true that, right now, no one's really trying to match all of the remaining secrets up with the remaining secret holders in-universe, but the entire fanbase pretty much slam dunked this one. Once the content of the secrets was revealed, it wasn't too difficult to track the origin of this secret to Levi. Levi might know that, and might be trying to spin it in a positive way while he can get everyone's attention and tell everyone the same narrative here in the class trial.

I don't think any Levi accomplice or killer truthers have to fully give up on the idea, or at least not until we see what Levi actually says after this. It's a WILD topic to reveal we're going to talk about, but we haven't actually talked about it yet. If we were told "we get David's motivations for trying to throw the trial," I doubt literally any of us would have locked in the prediction of "David is trying to follow in Xander's footsteps by killing everyone via the trial because he kind of remembers Xander." So, until next week, I'm keeping an open mind!

This was insane. I can't believe we actually got a new episode, and that we're gonna KEEP getting new episodes until the chapter finishes. What the fuck!!!

[thevalleyoftriumph]

"He'll apologize after he's done here. Make it up to them somehow later, have a long talk with them about this." Assuming Dark did not execute cg/ they weren't there/ SOMETHING idk, and Dark was able to patch a very beaten and unconscious Chosen up and drag them back to the house, how would that conversation go? Would Beast take one look at Dark and attack him? Even if Killer or Chosen want to try diplomacy? Would They (one of the alters) wake up, realise their still in the house with the guy who is stronger than them and has harmed them, and book it? If so would Dark follow? Or let them leave Would they wake up to a note? Would one of them rip it up before the others have a chance to see it? Would they TRY diplomacy, only for the argument to immediately resume Theres so many possibilities, none of which can happen since Dark was blasted to kingdom come, BUT we can imagine for a moment

Oh man the convo would go so horribly so badly. Like let's be so honest Dark is the worst person to have a genuine and emotional conversation with he does NOT know what he's doing he's almost worse than Chosen 😭

I've never actually thought about this particular scenario before [as in it's actually like.. never crossed my mind somehow] so I can't really say for absolute certain what would happen, BUT . Let's indulge.

I think you're pretty right that if it were Beast still in front when they wake up, it'd probably immediately assume it was still in danger and attack Dark - that, or it'd absolutely book it the first chance it got, since it's not really looking for a repeat of the Virabot part of that whole thing. Sometimes it's just gotta do what's safest, and that doesn't always mean fighting back - sometimes it means retreat.

I think Chosen would still have some sort of faith in Dark and would like to stay and hear him out - and Killer by extension would, too, in a way. But both would be extremely hurt by everything and can be just as stubborn as Dark when they want to be, so it'd be pretty hard for them to not end up cutting him off a bunch to put their points in.

I think however, aside from Beast, Killer would also probably think about leaving. Maybe not forever, but definitely long enough to go sit outside and think about things for a while. They'd probably slip out when Dark is busy and he just comes back to them gone and briefly freaks out lol.

Honestly I'm certain the argument would just start back up eventually unless something changed REALLY fast you're totally right about that. These guys are sooo bad at emotions and Talking Things Out that it's almost comical if it wasn't borderline depressing.

HOWEVER ☝️ I think even during another argument, for Both of them their fight would just constantly be lingering in their minds - especially through Any Other Future Argument, the thought always rears itself back around. They're cautious of their actions, both of them - neither wants to get close during an argument anymore. If, say, Chosen instinctively tries to get closer - he stops, pulls back, then continues with what he was saying. It would do neither of them good if it got physical again, in fact thats the last thing EITHER of them want, so they do everything physically possible to remove even the possibility of an accident if they end up disagreeing about ANYTHING. No matter how small.

IDK THERES JUST SO MANY WAYS THIS COULD GO AND COULD EFFECT THEM ALL IF THEY DON'T HAVE THE TIME POST-SHOWDOWN TO HEAL FROM THEIR ISSUES. They love each other dearly and are each others best friend but they're also both so so so badly traumatized people and need a therapist SO much. So badly. Alas there's no therapists in the Outernet who work with cybercriminals who had a hand in nearly destroying their world unfortunately. 😔

[yuukei-yikes]

What are your thoughts on whatever tf is going on between Kano and Shintaro post-str?

HEHEHEHEHEHHEHEHEHEHEH OK LISTEN TO ME

kano is so in love with shintaro its embarrassing like ive reread the novels recently and girl.... hes down so bad its so embarrassing fgkjfdghjkfdghjhgnkjdhgkjdkj like post str shintaro has all this tomfoolery going on with ayano right. and kano...oh my god like.

kano finally got everything he wanted. everything he worked so hard for and acted kind of an ass for is here and now he's just like...left with all this self hatred and guilt bc hes like damn i shut out my siblings and dealed with all this myself and was a dick to this guy who wasnt even knowingly related to all this shit and i. got away with it? like i got everything i wanted? my sister is back? so he's just VERY depressed and feels so undeserving and guilty

everyone else is like in a relationship or whatever (im not a fan of when every single character has a love interest but damn kagepro does romance so fucking well has anyone ever noticed. anyways) and eventually before he realises it kano is living on his own and he's just generally so lost and without purpose and augh *dies* WAIT THIS WAS ABT KANOSHIN

sry i cant talk abt a ship if i dont talk a lil bit abt the characters themselves. like ok kano has All That going on and ON TOP OF IT.... HE LIKES HIS SISTER'S BOYFRIEND. THE SISTER HE'S BEEN TRYING SO HARD TO NOT LET GO OF ALL THIS TIME. THE SISTER HE'S SO INSANELY HAPPY TO HAVE BACK. so of course that makes him spiral down into guilt even more. shintaro and kano are sort of madeup too bc ok i know in the Good End we dont rly see moments like in the novels like kano coming clean abt clearing eyes or disguising himself as ayano but i like to think these moments happen at some point anyway. so going by this kano and shintaro ARE on good terms, shintaro has forgiven kano, he's all cute smiling to him and kanos like AUUUGHHH. and sort of. reverts back to being a little bit of a dick to him.

not super directly but sort of how he was at the beginning, acting how he acts with everyone but there's like a Vibe. shintaro notices and hes like damn i thought we were ok but ig its because im dating ayano and he's overprotective. and that's rly part of the reason too!! shintaros relationship with ayano is sososo messy so kano is so ANGRY because this asshole is out there making his sister cry!!! idiot bitch!!! BUT ALSO HE STILL LIKES HIM

i think when shintaro and ayano have Their Break kano and shintaro have a fucked up little thing that neither would qualify as a relationship bc both are busy hating themselves but like. they definitely kiss you know what i mean. that pic that's like we both have problems that making out won't solve but it can't make it any worse (except it does because this is so fucking messy KANO IS SHINTARO'S (EX AT THE TIME I DONT THINK HE'D CHEAT)GIRLFRIEND'S BROTHER. THAT SUCKS SO BAD FOR HER) also shintaros internal homophobia etc etc etc. lol a fucked up moment of shintaro practicing apologizing to ayano with kano disguising himself as her bc hey i need to practice while looking at her face. and its so messed up for them both. theyre the worst

when shintaro and ayano are back together he would tell her while kano would take it to his grave and augh it brings drama between ayano and kano which is exactly the last thing kano would ever want and hes so mad at shintaro. ayano isnt rly mad she's just surprised and worried for kano, because she doesnt rly see it as omg so fucked up my brother likes my bf she rather sees it like my brother is in pain and currently suffering from unrequited(?) love i need to help him!! and starts kind of helicoptering over kano and eventually kano has a breakdown etcetcetc i dont have an ending for this but these are basically my thoughts lol

ofc there's also shintaro just dates both and/or doesn't get back together with ayano... those are also good options that i like too heh

[nfumbewalk]

Psychic Stuff & Memories

Biffy's Place.

Sorry - I apologize in advance. This post could come off as bragging but I'm not. I'm actually really freaked out. I've mentioned before that an old ex-friend of mine told me more than 20 years ago that psychic ability can manifest and get very strong with age. Well, It freaking has, by like 10,000%!! Holy balls. Thought I had it young. Not by a long shot of what I've got now. And it's practically breathless to deal with.

In my shower last night, I heard my grandpa Ben's voice. Weird? I told him it wasn't a proper time to talk. He understood and said he'd come back. It's not just that. I'm seeing ppl in my regular mirror, not my scrying mirror! My channeling is getting beyond awesome. It's weird, comforting, and oddly satisfying.

Most notably, I mentioned a bit back that my old padrino/Tata (godfather) in Palo has contacted me via channeling to tell me he died and that he'd help me with some spiritual things. He said that he likes Muerteria. And that I'm doing very well. Also, he said he was sorry he ignored me after I disrespected him. He said he shouldn't have done that and he didn't know how serious my depression was.

Antonio means a lot to me. He got me in touch with my power. He opened up my abilities by believing in me and showing me his rich Cuban culture. First, he taught me how to build and attend a boveda. The word boveda is Spanish for vault or tomb. It is where one attends to their ancestors. It's very similar to the photos of Rodolfo's altar that I post here. Really though, it only looks similar. The intentions are very different. He started with a bit of Santeria. He was also an initiated Santero. I never asked his rank because I knew nothing about African Traditional Religions at the time.

He introduced Palo easily but with a trickle. Still, my time with him was very short. He told me not to read Palo books in English and to learn Spanish for these paths. Right he was. Most English Palo books are crap. Actually, Montenegro has a few useful ones. If your kinda in Palo, you know what he's purposely leaving out or using slang for. Lol! Sorry. Palo memories. I miss Antonio. And my two Tata's named Angel.

I'm not meant for that religion. Too many clashes. Somehow I have fewer clashes with Christianity. Odd. Got sort of off topic. I bet if I tear my entire closet apart (I've tried) I'll find that damn Siete Rayos collare! That's my mpungo Papa. Um...father deity in Palo. Or Shango in Osha-Ifa, Orisha. I've been obsessing over that collare for years! Angel No. 1 made it for me & left the menga (blood) on it! Didn't clean off the rooster blood. Or didn't wash it well with the chamba. Oh well. If I ever find it, I'll post a pic of me wearing it.

Back to psychic shit! 😊 When this stuff happens, its like Reveille sounding off in my brain constantly! I know a lot of soldiers don't miss that. Lol! I certainly don't like it either. I mean, yeah - its cool. Its spooky & weird. But it can get annoying. I used to love Ouija boards. Not anymore. The muertos come out for sure around me. Like Antonio said: "You are like a moth to the flame with muertos." Yup, I am nowadays! The graveyard always gets busy when I arrive. 💀

Especially when I do Tributas for Santa Muerte. Ha!

M.M. 💖💀💖

[sunder-soul]

I apologize if this has been asked before, but do you let your friends/family read your work, or know about what you write? My friends and family have been really antsy to read my stuff, but I don't feel comfortable letting my siblings read about how I like Tom Riddle, Norman Osborn, or Loki

Also, your writing is amazing, and got me through a major bipolar depressive episode last September, so thank you for that :)

Yes and no 😅

Three people who I know in real life read/have read my fics.

My sister read Seven Devils and was so so supportive and amazing about it, but after the timeskip when things get romantic and there's smut I literally banned her from continuing and just told her what happens with various selected screenshots because I was too mortified by the concept of her even seeing it lmao.

I also have one very good friend in particular who also happens to write fics, and I shared this url (I think? Maybe just my Ao3 I honestly can't remember lol) with her. She just Gets It, ya kno? We're also both very open about the issues with our various source materials (especially me re: the crimes of grindelRowling), which is super important, too. I just trust her, so there's no fear of being cringe because we both write and we both get it and it's very chill.

And then there's @raven-riddle/@ravenriddlewrites who I simply REFUSE to shut up about bc she's so amazing, but that was sort of in reverse because I met her through this blog and then we became friends after!!!

Honestly I would never let my family and other friends even KNOW about me writing fic tho lol, I find it a really personal thing that's deeply entrenched in nostalgia, exploring my own issues and my own sexuality, and having fun making up cool little stories in my head. I like the sort of anonymity of posting here without my 'real life' knowing about it. If I ever wrote original stuff I'd let them though!

I'm glad to hear you're doing okay, and huge ups to you for getting through!!! You're doing amazing 🤗

Thank you very much!!!!

[malachiexists13]

Ikemen Revolution OCs [Part 3]

This is part 3 in a 4 part series. Part 1 can be found here and part 2 can be found here. I suggest you read those before you read this one.

I seriously can't believe that I made nine characters in one day.. I need a nap lol.

Disclaimer: This posts contains implications/discussion of abuse, obsessive and unhealthy behavior, and depression. If any of that bothers you, then this may not be the post for you.

Like always, all pictures shown are picrews. And nothing is set in stone as these are for characters who I haven't done the route of or they just don't have one. For example, Levie. Changes will also occur as I learn more about these characters.

1.) Elliot Salemsburg

He/Him - Cisgender (20)

Elliot is a mischievous young man, often finding himself in trouble due to his sly tongue and silly pranks. Much to the annoyance of his peers and teachers. But his "care-free" attitude is all an act. Elliot comes from an abusive and unwelcoming family, so his behavior is a sort of defensive mechanism. He firmly believes that he can avoid being hurt by others if he annoys them to the point of avoiding him. The character he has been paired with is Dean.

2.) Charlotte "Charlie" Pederson

She/Her - Cisgender (19)

Charlotte is a shy, quiet, and timid girl. Often preferring to be alone. But she can also be quite obedient, feeling a sense of belonging and fulfillment everytime she helps someone out. The character she has been paired with is Loki Genetta.

3.) Astrid Lewis

She/It - Unlabeled (22)

At first glance, Astrid is like your average girl. She's kind and friendly. At least, that's the front she puts up to hide a sinister truth. Astrid doesn't actually care for the feelings of others, usually only pretending to further any goals she may have. But, if she were to fall in love, she becomes quite obsessive. Even possessive and overly clingy. Some have described her as yandere, or even apathetic. As she does not seem to care for anyone but herself, and will do anything to get what she wants. The character she has been paired with is Zero.

4.) Max Davidson

He/Him - Cisgender (21)

Max is a bit of a prankster and enjoys partying and causing mischief. But he can often be a massive flirt. Max will shamelessly flirt with and tease others, even if he doesn't harbor feelings for them. But he can usually recognize when his jokes go too far and will apologize. He's not a complete insensitive asshole. The character he has been paired with is Kyle Ash.

5.) Ghoul Albright

They/Them - Non Binary (22)

Ghoul is an outgoing and friendly person, who also appears to be a bit overly confident. But it's mostly an act to hide their depression. Ghoul doesn't have a lot of self-worth, and they often feel pathetic and useless. They find peace in being around others and having fun with friends. The character they have been paired with is Levie.

Creator's Notes: I've been having a lot of fun with this, ngl. I sort of let go of the whole idea that I had to make a character who was perfectly compatible, because that would be boring, wouldn't it? So now I'm just looking at a list of names, creating a design, and then deciding on the character's personality and such. It's been a very fun experience so far! The next post will be the last one for Ikemen Revolution, but then we'll be moving onto Ikemen Sengoku!

So far, only two characters have been created for Ikemen Sengoku. But more will be made once Ikerev is done. It may just be a bit more difficult though since there's a lot more characters in ikesen that I hate compared to ikerev 😅 Aka I hate nobody in Ikerev so- Bad example. But eh! I'll still try to have fun with it.

Remember that if you have any questions, don't be afraid to ask! I will answer to the best of my abilties. Or if you'd just like to share something with me, that's fine too! Thank you so much for reading. Have a wonderful day/night/whatever time it is for you.

[sucklett]

Hello, I saw you had top-surgery. I apologize in advance to reach out like this, but I'm nonbinary, and I've been wondering for a while if I shoud get the surgery because, well, I feel super bad with my chest currently. Feel free not to answer but how did you know for sure that you wanted the surgery? How was the preparation before, and the anesthesia? (That part terrifies me)

When you say you had loss of sensations in some area, what was it like? Was your chest strange, like outside of your body? Because I have big dissociation issues, so I'm worried numbness make me feel even more out of my body.

Feel free not to answer, but if you do, thank you so much, it all worries me so much.

Oh it’s no worries at all! C: I don’t mind answering questions about this stuff!

My response is a bit long so I’ve put it under a read more:

How I knew: So for the LONGEST time I was actually fairly small chested, and had been pretty happy about that and experienced minimal dysphoria overall. This was about when I was still in highschool and was sorta in denial about my gender identity. When I started college however, for some reason (might’ve been because I put on some weight) I had a larger chest and was greatly distressed about this. I was almost sort of like, hyper aware of it and would have like depressive fits over it. I would very often imagine myself flat chested.To put it short, I knew this is what I wanted because I couldn’t see myself missing having boobs. I should note that it’s very common for people to have short term regrets over major surgeries like this, which can be induced by post op depression and can be because of a combination of rocky recovery, lack of support from other people, or monetary reasons. I did sort of feel strange about my decision for a relatively short bit (I think it was post op depression specifically in my case because I had a fairly smooth recovery), but these feelings did not last and have not come back. A year has passed since surgery and I can safely say that I do not infact miss having a chest lol. It can be a tough call for some people though, but I think it all really comes down to what feels most true to yourself and how would you feel most comfortable in your own body. Anyone from trans men, to non binary people, to cis people can have that great discomfort over their chest and might see themselves more comfortable without it.

Preparation+Anesthesia So, I am an extremely anxious person and some of my memory regarding preparation has eluded me because I think I’ve sort of blocked it out a bit. It’s kinda fuzzy but I do remember this general series of events: -Prep involved not eating or drinking anything for a while before the surgery, I can’t recall the exact amount of time though. -The surgeon drew lines on my chest which I remember being a bit uncomfortable/painful. -I had an IV put in which was a weird sensation, sorta like a consistent pinching I think? -With anesthesia I was actually very scared of that too, I had been under before (tooth related stuff years ago) but I was still paranoid so I had a talk with the anesthesiologist about my concerns (I was afraid of basically not waking up) and she had reassured me that because I was young (freshly 22, i am 23 now) and the general rarity of something going wrong meant that it was extraordinarily unlikely that something bad like that would happen, but she told me the protocol for if it did (basically hospital transfer and whatnot). Biggest reassurance for me was that she told me that she’d actually never had someone in that center ask about that before (for reference I had the surgery done at Plastic + Hand Surgical Associates in sourthern Maine). In short though complications through anesthesia are VERY rare, especially in “cosmetic” types of surgeries, and the anesthesiologist is there specifically to monitor things to make sure all is okay. -Anesthesia was given to me through the IV I believe? Though I did have a breathing tube. I can’t remember the exact way it was administered but I was asleep not long after they gave it to me. -Next thing I remember after that is very slowly waking up. They were testing my awareness by asking me questions (how I feel and whatnot) and seeing if/how well I responded, which upon first waking up my words were kinda mushed together. My head was fuzzy and my vision was a bit blurry/unfocused for a while and I was a little wobbly on my feet but I’ve always been fast at recovery/healing so I did not need too much aid getting around. I think I left the center about an hour after the surgery ended.

Loss of sensation: I think the loss of sensation was a short term effect of the pain meds+anesthesia. A year later I’ve gotten the vast majority of my sensation back (save for directly atop the scar tissue itself) but for like a week the area was sort of numb/warm feeling and I didn’t feel much when I touched over my chest. I don’t believe I have much in the way of problems with dissociation but I think even if I did then the type of sensation loss probably wouldn’t necessarily trigger it? It was like, things were really numb the first few days but there was occasional tingling+ichiness (anesthesia can cause itchiness) over the general area so I wouldn’t necessarily say it felt like, total detachment. The amount of time that numbness can last can greatly vary among people and some people don’t always get those sensations back (I actually have a patch on my right that has retained some numbness) but it still feels like, everything is “there” if that makes sense?

[ronsenburg]

Hi! I wanted to ask you something about Klapollo. What topic/argument do you think could possibly cause them to break up or take a break from the relationship? I live for the drama and was thinking about maybe writing a fic but like I dont want to make either of them assholes, like Apollo bringing Kristoph up to hurt Klavier, for example. I don't think he would do that but I struggle to come up with something else.

Oh boy, I hope you’re not upset about this, but I wrote you an essay. I’m sorry.

Overall, I really like the klapollo relationship timeline because, compared to, say, narumi/su they have a much more normal, organic story. They meet, flirt, share a mutual trauma, get together! Totally normal! But I also think that they would have a much harder time than narumi/su finding the balance you need in a serious relationship and I can see them calling it quits for perfectly practical reasons that aren’t really anything to do with one being a jerk, you know? Here are my top things that I think they would have to navigate and maybe struggle with before a real happily ever after:

1. Money. You’ve probably seen my post where I talk about Apollo feeling uncomfortable with displays of affluence. I don’t think that this is an easy one to get past. AA6 Spoilers, but Dhurke and Datz literally raised them in hiding on the run in the mountainous jungles of Khura’in. They sent Apollo to the states as a nine year old. We don’t know what he did when he got here, but my money’s always been on the foster system. That doesn’t typically breed a sense of stability, financial or otherwise. 

From my experience (so take it with a grain of salt), children who grow up with very little tend to behave in one of two ways when they reach financial stability and/or achieve wealth: first option, they’re really bad with it. They spend it nearly as fast as they make it on things they didn’t get to have or experience when they were growing up. Second option, they never spend it. They know what it’s like to be without, so they save as much of it as they can so they have the security of knowing, if something happens, they won’t have to go back to the way it was before. I will always put Apollo in the latter category. He works hard for what he has and what he gets and, I think, things that signify extravagance make him uncomfortable. On the other hand, I think that the Gavin’s have always had some sort of wealth. Klavier and Kristoph have very different aesthetics to their spaces that we get to experience (Klavier’s office and Kristoph’s cell) but they’re both pretty lavish. Now, we can assume they each made their money individually in their respective careers but, honestly, Kristoph’s cell is so gaudy. To me, it screams “this is what I’m used to and I refuse to accept any less” which is an attitude that I feel comes more from a lifetime of that treatment. 

So if we accept everything that I’ve said above as true, trying to put a person who saves every penny they get and feels bad treating themselves with a person who spends money freely because it’s been a constant throughout their life? It can go poorly. Casually dating, maybe it’s not such an issue once Apollo says “please no more presents and can we just get takeout for once?” but if you’re talking about something more serious, where you have to live in the same space and pay joint bills and be confronted with the other person’s spending habits constantly, it’s a whole other thing. Please take it from me as a person in a long term relationship who loves their partner tremendously—everyone fights about money. Everyone. It would be very difficult for Apollo to feel comfortable, even if he knew that finances were in good shape and there was savings, etc. Things happen, people leave. Nothing gold can stay. Changing that line of thinking takes work. It would also be easier said than done for Klavier to just do an about face on his own habits for Apollo’s comfort. Being a celebrity makes money, but it costs money, too. There is a certain amount of lushness that people expect. That can’t just go away. These are things that become bigger problems overtime, no matter how much you love each other. 

Anyway, I would be really surprised if—even if you’re writing them as really happily married—Apollo doesn’t have a ‘emergency fund’ that even Klavier doesn’t know about. It’s a ‘just in case’. Just in case Klavier leaves him. Just in case he needs to get away fast. Just in case the world ends. It’s not a logical thing, something that he sat down and rationalized doing, it’s just there because it feels better to have it than to not. But that can be kind of hurtful if the other person finds out about it, so. There you go, a whole minefield of money related drama.

2. Apollo’s Abandonment Issues. He’s got them! What do you call and orphan twice over who also lost his very best friend? I don’t know, but if capcom doesn’t stop picking on my boy I’m going to kick them in the teeth. I will still never get over AA6 for telling us that Dhurke took Apollo in when he was orphaned as a baby, then abandoned him in the USA, then came back for him and got his hopes up, and then was actually dead the whole time! Hahahaha! What a trip! 

Anyway, you don’t come back from that super easy. People who suffer this kind of trauma usually have a really hard time trusting others, which is understandable. They also can have unrealistic needs from their partners, become codependent, or even just self-sabotage their relationships, pulling away first to try and avoid the pain because they think the other person will leave them. I think that last one is most likely for Apollo, especially given the disparity in circumstances I mentioned above. If Apollo can’t trust that Klavier actually loves him, can’t trust that he won’t leave him like EVERYONE ELSE HAS, then they can’t have a healthy relationship. Drama.

3. Klavier’s Emotional Trauma. Kristoph is a pretty big jerk to Klavier in the last case of AA4. He criticizes and undermines Klavier, threatens and admits to manipulating him. In the anthology, Klavier shares an “lol so funny!” story about Kristoph accidentally breaking a window while he and Klavier are playing ball. In it, he convinces Klavier that it was his fault and that he should take the blame and apologize for breaking the window! And Klavier does! That’s gaslighting, baby, and since the Anthology is supposed to be canon, we can take that to mean it’s been happening since Klavier was a kid. Think about that. An entire life of gaslighting and manipulative behavior! You don’t come back from that easily, either. 

People who experience emotional abuse can, among other things, suffer from depression and low-self esteem. They need affirmation from their partners and can have a hard time with letting people in or being honest (though not from a malicious mindset—more a “I’m going to say what I think you want to hear because if you’re happy, bad things won’t happen!”). They can also always be waiting for the other shoe to drop, so to speak. Sure things are good, but when will that end and the bad time start? It’s a self fulfilling prophecy: if all you can do is worry about things going wrong, then you aren’t actually enjoying when things are going right and you will cause the issues you’re so worried about. Drama.

4. Fame. Klavier has been in the spotlight since he was a literal child. If the Gavinners were already hits when Klavier was 17, they likely formed and starred their rise some time before then. A year, maybe two? Klavier spent his formative years in the spotlight. He quite literally doesn’t know any other way. Apollo, on the other hand, has never experienced the kind of scrutiny he’d be subject to when dating someone like Klavier. It can be really stressful and hurtful and just overall not a good time. And I’m not saying that Klavier wouldn’t be sympathetic, but I don’t think he would really understand how difficult it could be to have been thrust into that position out of nowhere, because he’s had years of dealing with it and was in a completely different place in life when it began for him. It’s not unreasonable to think that Apollo might not be able to take it. You can love someone and want to be with them but if you can’t adapt to their lifestyle, it’s not going to work. They could walk away rather than risk what might happen to Apollo if they kept it up. Drama.

5. Careers. They both have very demanding jobs. While sharing a similar profession can mean there’s a mutual understanding, it can also cause issues if you... never get to see each other? Schedules can be out of alignment (which could easily happen; their cases can’t always line up and they seem to require a lot of time investment outside of just normal hours). If Klavier goes back into music, that’s an additional time constraint. Why be in a relationship when you can only see the other person for moments here and there? What about the stress that comes with those jobs? That can cause drama.

6. Klavier looks like Kristoph. They are very different people, yes, but similar enough in some ways that it could cause tension. Maybe Klavier is tired and stressed and snaps at Apollo, and suddenly, all Apollo can see is Kristoph and all he can feel is the uncomfortable churning in his stomach that goes along with the memories of him. Someone he trusted, someone who let him down. That’s a difficult subject to broach, and it can fester like an infected wound if left intended. 

But Apollo sounds like Kristoph sometimes. We saw it in AA5, which is, of course, an extreme circumstance. But it can come out from time to time in other ways. A phrase that slips out, the way he intones certain words, the way he signs off in his emails—little things that are harmless, but can still act as triggers. 

Sometimes you need to get away from things that can remind you of your past in order to work on getting over them. If you are in love with someone who shares a similar trauma, who brings those issues from the past to light frequently just by being themselves, it might not be a healthy situation. I don’t think they would need to throw it in each other’s faces for it to become an issue. Drama.

There are more, but I probably took this more seriously than you intended. Whoops! Anyway, I hope that helps??? Maybe???? I hope you get them back together in the end because they deserve to be happy though!!!!!!!

[radishthespringchild]

So this post was going to be a part of a much bigger post, but after realizing that I wouldn’t be able to address the character so quickly and shortly on something such as a countdown post, I relegated it to its own thing. Same with how I’m going to address each and every other character in Stardew Valley. Now, with that said, time to get on with said post. 

My Problem with Shane

I would say put down your pitchforks and torches, but I doubt all of you are willing to listen, but try to hear me out. Please.

Initially when I was going to write about everyone’s favorite chicken man it was going to be on a list dedicated to the bachelors and bachelorettes of Stardew Valley ranking all six in each post from least favorite to favorite. Shane, to everyone’s shock and probably offense *lol*, was put as dead last on the bachelor one. I did write my feelings about him promptly going to the next above him and going from there. I ended up not finishing the list because it kept bothering me that I didn’t cover my feelings or opinion enough on not only Shane, but the other few bachelors. So here we are where I’ve decided to scrap the old post and now cover all of those things I didn’t fully address on Shane.

I want to make this clear first and foremost: I don’t hate Shane. I just have some issues with him. He just rubs me the wrong way, if you will, and I say this as someone who has recently been diagnosed with moderate depression and grew up with an abusive alcoholic father: I would never marry, let alone date someone like Shane whether it be in the real world or in a video game. On some level I understand where Shane is coming from and can sympathize with him to some degree in the game (and in the fandom too) like it wants me to, but I feel as though there’s some gaps missing in his story because something doesn’t sit well in Shane’s story for me… Maybe his 10-heart event is completely different compared to his other heart events? Or how he sort of feels regressed back to his old-self when you first met in game when you get married? I also have very mixed feelings on the 14-heart event. Like, I understand, depressed people don’t magically get better and just coast along afterwards like they’re happy with the world and love life, but at the same time it’s almost like he had no growth after you got married. Hope I’m making sense…

I’d like to address an issue I have with the fandom regarding Shane. Not to sound rude or anything, but I feel as though a lot of people have this weird warped view of the man. Like, I remember seeing this fanfic titled “The One Where Shane Isn’t the Problem” (and no hate towards the author or anything) and I’m thinking: um?? Have you played the game?? He’s a bit of an asshole, especially upon first meeting him. He’s not some precious baby. Not saying he has to be rainbows and sunshine to strangers, but holy hell he is not some awkward sweet guy. He even addresses this as you get to know him and apologizes for being like that! I also find it weird that people like to draw/write him being built or having abs or being super tall when he mentions in marriage dialogue he wishes he was taller. Um, y'all know he’s a lazy drunk, right? He’s out of shape and in his pixel art it shows him looking sloppy. Since he eats junk food and drinks beer I’m pretty sure he has a beer belly. (I’m not saying out of shape or overweight people are unattractive, for the record.) Why do you guys fetishize the man?? I know for a fact that if y’all met someone like Shane in real life you’d treat him like shit or like you were better than him. I mean, maybe we’d have some people with that “I can change him or fix him” mindset, but by that point that’s just some of y’all with savior complexes and that’s just as bad… Either way, I am not a fan of Shane, as a depressed bastard myself. 

Now, I know someone is going to come in here talking about the reason why he was abusing alcohol, and I’d like to say that that doesn’t give Shane a freebie to do whatever he wants. I’ve lost loved ones that were near and dear to my heart, and even though I could have handled their losses better, losing people doesn’t give anyone the right to act, say, and do whatever they want to do, which in Shane’s case is to be a depressed drunk who lashes out at everyone including his living loved ones.

I will say that the memes and humor pieces of fanart (and some fanfiction) do make me laugh because I’ll admit that I have a pretty dark sense of humor. Not to mention I have read fanfics where they took the character fleshing him out better to where I related more with him as well as actually liked the character better.

[officialdmitripetrov]

//HELLO! TC here! This post was long overdue, but I guess I just kept pushing it off for a while since I didn't want to admit it. Yeah, this blog is dead. I Know, very surprising. I Just wanted to just put that out in the open.

//Before I go though, I wanna say a few other things. I'm not leaving this blog out of some deep seeded hate for y'all or anything. It's just that this whole thing became more of a chore than a hobby. Something I had to do.

//I don't like talking about drama on here, because I personally believe that this is a safe-space for everyone (except the bad people lol), but about a while ago I got into a situation with a former friend. Not gonna name them here, because that wouldn't be very nice. It's not anything serious, it's just that I believed that they were my friend/sort-of romantic partner(???) and they threw me away as soon as they found some other poor sap to ogle at, is all. I'd say we were pretty good friends, but y'know.

//Anyway, I gave them some of my ideas to use in their own blog, blah blah blah...shit happened and I got sad. And then I slowly sank down into a bad depression and just ceased all activity on this account. I'm alright now, ─or at least, as alright as I can be─ just a bit confused. And also my grades are garbage doodoo butter so. That's another reason.

//But this isn't some vent thing I'm doing on here. This is just a final message. I Wanna thank y'all for giving asks and supporting me! I Got so many lovely messages when I left...it makes me sad that I couldn't force myself to read them. I Love you all so much! Don't worry, This isn't the end of Trashcat- My main is @trashcatsstuff if you wanna follow. Or if you don't- I Don't post that much, but I'm thinking of redoing my blog for art and stuff like that. I'm making an OC blog as well, so you'll get updates on that in the future! I Still love THSC, so expect that and then some.

//Finally, I want to apologize to the Official-verse. I'm probably the main reason why everything went to shit. I Left, and that caused a chain reaction. I'm sorry for not sticking through it- If you ever want to come back to these blogs though, then I'm absolutely down! Once again, I'm very sorry to all of you.

//And to any of you worried about Dmi; He's fine! Let's just say he socked V!Wallace in the face and got vodka. I Didn't do everything I wanted to do with him, but maybe one day his story will be complete! ;)

(Here’s some fanservice. Technically this is non-canon because Grigori in canon is still in the hospital, but since this may or may not be my last time coming here, I decided to draw him just for u! He would’ve gotten an entire character arc during the blog,,, sad 😔)

//Anyways, this is turning out to be quite lengthy, so I'll end it off here. Quite bittersweet.

//Remember that I love you all and thank you for supporting me for this long! Each and every one of you made my day a little better in some way! Every ask, every bit of fan art, everything. You all made such a dark time in my life a wee-bit better. I Wish that it didn't have to end like this, but I guess that's the way the turns table. Thank you. Truly. From the bottom of my cold, dead, alien heart.

//Thank you, ily, and goodbye! TC Out! 💕💕💕

[inevitably-johnlocked]

Hi Steph, hope you and your loved ones are doing well(: Do you have any long fics (+100k) that are about character development? I like casefics but I would like to read something that the focus in the story are the characters, even if there is some cases. I just read The Adventure of the Silver Scars for the first time and now I'm adrift lol. Thank you so much, you make my day most often than not, *virtual hug*.

Hi Nonny!!!

AHHHHHHH I’m so happy that you’re enjoying my fic lists, and that I make your day <3 I want to argue that I PERSONALLY find any story that long has a LOT of character development, so I’m gonna be an ass and add a part two to my last 100K w. fic list :) Hee hee hee! I don’t get a lot of opportunities hah. I haven’t read very many 100K fics since my first list last May so I apologize for the length. 

Because I’m so focussed on trying to read more long fics lately, it’s taking me a lot longer to get through them, so I’m sorry I don’t have a lot for you. BUT I’m going to ALSO link you to my other longer fic list posts PLUS my case fic lists since you’re looking for those too :)

I genuinely feel like a lot of the fics I rec that are long have a lot of character development, because otherwise I don’t think I would have been able to get through them. It’s a weird quirk of mine: I need to get into the world of the characters if I’m going to invest that much time into them, so yeah :P I hope you enjoy what I have for you! 

PS AGREED I loved Silver Scars! It’s actually on this list because I only recently read it, hahah :D

NOVEL LENGTH FICS: 100K+ W. Pt 2

See also:

Novel Length Fics: 50 to 100K (Nov. 2018)

Novel Length Fics: 50 to 100K Pt 2 (May 2020)

Novel Length Fics: 100K+ w. (May 2019)

Case Fics || [MOBILE] 

Case Fics Pt 2

Case Fics Pt 3

Two Two One Bravo Baker by abundantlyqueer (E, 114,574 w., 27 Ch. || Military AU || Afghanistan, War Story, Thriller) – Captain John Watson of 40 Commando, the Royal Marines, is assigned to protect and assist Sherlock Holmes as he investigates what appears to be a simple war atrocity in Afghanistan. An intense attraction ignites between the two men as they uncover a conspiracy that threatens everything they’ve ever known, but Sherlock is as much hunted as hunter, and everyone close to him is in deadly danger. Can he solve the case in time to save himself and John? Part 1 of Two Two One Bravo Baker Universe

The Bang and the Clatter by earlgreytea68 (M, 137,049 w., 37 Ch. || PODFIC AVAILABLE || Baseball AU || Slow Burn / Dev. Rel., Possessive/Obsessive Sherlock, Jealous Sherlock, Mutual Pining, Body Appreciation, Depression, Closeted Sexuality, Family, Sherlock’s Mind Palace, Ogling Each Other, Anxious Sherlock, Panic Attack, Drunkenness, Talk of Forever, Big Feelings™) – Sherlock Holmes is a pitcher and John Watson is a catcher. No, no, no, it's a baseball AU. Part 1 of Baseball

The Adventure of the Silver Scars by tangledblue (NR [M], 142,458 w., 41 Ch. || S3 Fix-It, Post-HLV/ Post-TAB / Canon Compliant, Case Fic, No Baby, Angst, Humour, UST, Slow Burn, Angry John, Reconciliation, Not Nice Mary / Leaving Mary, Dependent Sherlock, Pining Sherlock, Caretaker John, Fist Fights, It’s An Experiment, Virgin Sherlock, Dancing, Drugging, John Whump, Pet Names, Sherlock’s Mind Palace, Scars) – It’s been thirteen months since Mary shot Sherlock and John finds he’s still pissed off about it. Sherlock had thought everything was settled: John and Mary, domestic bliss. But when John turns up at Baker Street with suitcases, the world’s only consulting detective might not be prepared for the consequences. A new case. Some old scores to settle. Certain danger. Concertos, waltzes, and whisky.

Against the Rest of the World by SilentAuror (E, 151,714 w., 20 Ch. || PODFIC AVAILABLE || Post-TRF, Hiatus Fic, POV First Person Sherlock, Present Tense, First Kiss/Time, Big Brother Mycroft, Escaping from Capture, Soft Sherlock, Toplock, Insecurity, Infidelity, Travelling, Introspection, Pining Sherlock, Depression, Fantasies, Yearning for the Past, PTSD Sherlock, Suicidal Ideation) – Sherlock has been away from London for nine hundred and twelve days and counting, and has no idea what sort of reception to expect when he finally returns.

Proving A Point by elldotsee & J_Baillier (E, 186,270 w., 28 Ch. || Me Before You Fusion || Medical Realism, Insecure John, Depression, Romance, Angst, POV John, Sherlock Whump, Serious Illness, Doctor John, Injury Recovery, Assisted Suicide, Sherlock’s Violin, Awkward Sexual Situations, Alcoholism, Drugs, Idiots in Love, Slow Burn, Body Image, Friends to Lovers, Hurt / Comfort, Pain, Big Brother Mycroft, Intimacy, Anxiety, PTSD, Family Issues, Psychological Trauma, John Whump, Case Fics, Loneliness, Pain) – Invalided home from Afghanistan, running out of funds and convinced that his surgical career is over, John Watson accepts a mysterious job offer to provide care and companionship for a disabled person. Little does he know how much hangs in the balance of his performance as he settles into his new life at Musgrave Court.

Free Falling by twistedthicket1 (M, 203,574 w., 38 Ch. || Guardian Angels AU || Guardian Angel John, Fluff and Angst, Humour, Kidlock / Teenlock, Light Mystrade, Passage of Time, Possessive John, Drug Use / Overdose, Victor Trevor, Graphic Bullying, Big Brother Mycroft, Hard Drug Use, Depression, Possessive Sherlock, Possessive John, Panic Attacks, Nightmares/PTSD, Pining, Healing Abilities, Kidnapping, Violence, Torture, Blow Jobs, Virgin John, Emotional Development / Attachment, Mortality, Happy Ending) – All Guardian angels are born with a Chosen human. When this child is born, the angel comes into being to protect and care for them during their life on Earth. For John Watson, all he cares about in the world revolves around his Chosen, Sherlock Holmes. Watching him grow up though, the angel soon learns that God must have had a sense of humour the day he decided to make Sherlock, as trouble seems to follow him like a magnet wherever he goes. John can't decide what's worse, the idea of losing his Chosen one, or the fact that he may be breaking the most taboo law of heaven as he disguises himself as a human to better protect and befriend the beloved detective he's always watched from afar. He was meant to care for him. But what happens when caring evolves into something more? What happens when an emotion an angel is supposed to be incapable of possessing comes to life suddenly and viciously inside John's chest?

[adamarks]

Penny’s relationship  troubles and how that relates to Simon and Baz

aka my Baz and Penny mirror post

I said I’d do this and god what a fucking emotional ride we’re about to go on. Strap in, my dudes.

In Carry On, it’s well-established that Penelope is Baz’s mirror character. She’s mostly static in the book (because it’s almost completely focused on Baz and Simon) and she’s used mainly as a literary device. Her mirroring Baz in particular is established very plainly. Both of them being top of the class; both of them geeking out over spells; both of them geeking out over marriage spells; their mothers both being headmasters; both of them getting out chalkboards and making the exact same types of lists. It’s very much in-your-face screaming in Carry On. 

It’s not so obvious in Wayward Son. 

The main reason for this is that Penny was upgraded from static to rounded in this book. She has an entire arc of doubting herself, which will most likely be completed in the next book. However, just because it’s not banging pots and pans in your face doesn’t mean the mirroring isn’t there. 

Let’s dig in.

Rainbow did something I really, really loved with this book: she made sure we know that happy endings aren’t what we’re told. The story doesn’t end because the Prince and Princess kissed-- how did they hang on? How did they make it to the hundredth kiss? Did they even make it to the hundredth kiss?

This book tells us that sometimes they don’t make it to the hundredth kiss.

This lesson is what’s got a lot of people’s panties in a knot. Here’s the thing though: it’s not a bleak lesson; it’s a warning. It’s a reminder that we have to keep trying; we have to want that hundredth kiss.

Simon and Baz want that hundredth kiss. They just don’t know how to get there. 

Wow guys I’m gonna have to struggle to not cry while writing this. Wish me luck.

Yes, the boys are morons that can’t communicate. How does Penny fit in?

She didn’t get to that hundredth kiss.

Micah and Penny are what happen when you just expect happily ever after to take care of getting you to the next kiss. 

Micah declares what the lesson Penny (assumedly with Shepherd Tornado Chaser Supreme) is going to learn about relationships is in Chapter twelve:

“A relationship isn’t about the end. It’s about being together every step of the way.”

This may be Penny’s lesson, but this is also a sort of (in my opinion) apology from Rainbow. Because, what was Baz and Simon getting together if not just a nice little tie up as part of a happy ending. What are queer consumers of media usually fed? Our representation usually dies, breaks up, or ends up together all happy go lucky right at the end. We don’t get to see characters we relate to struggle. We don’t get to see them still be miserably in love but unsure how to make it work when shit gets rough. 

Wayward Son is what happens when you don’t know how to keep going, but god do you want to. 

“I told you that I thought we’d grown apart--” 

“And I said that was natural!”

(also taken from Chapter 12 of Wayward)

Simon and Baz growing apart when Simon is so severely depressed and unable to communicate is natural. It’s natural, but it doesn’t mean that he’s going about it the right way. Simon is fucked up. He’s fucked up in a lot of ways, but (and this is coming from someone that’s struggled with the same kinds of thoughts Simon’s suffering from) that’s no excuse for him to hurt Baz in the process. 

Simon even realizes that this is a terrible way to go about this. It’s why he’s thinking about breaking up with Baz. 

i almost cried typing that just now rainbow why simon why i’m dying i-

BREAKING UP WITH BAZ IS NOT THE ANSWER, SIMON!!

Simon needs to learn how to communicate. How to talk about what he’s feeling and what he needs.

Here’s the thing though: Baz does too.

This is where Penny’s mirroring comes into play. Micah and Penny apparently didn’t talk for two whole months and she didn’t notice. They didn’t talk. They didn’t communicate. This is what killed their relationship.

This is what’s killing Simon and Baz’s.

In Chapter Fifteen we see Simon mulling over Penny and Micah breaking up:

“Penelope and Micah were going to get married. 

And now... Merlin, what now?”

I’ll come back to the concept of “endgames” throughout this series, but for now, apply that to Baz and Simon.

Baz and Simon were supposed to live happily ever after, but ever afters don’t work like that. So, now what?

Everything sucks. We are all in Pain. The dumbasses won’t talk. What do we DO, JAY? 

god, what do we do. suffer i guess idk. 

Okay but for real, we don’t have to worry. Rainbow knows what their issue is. And! She’ll make sure it’s resolved! How do I know? 

Well, I’ll tell ya.

Shepard.

We were introduced to a brand new, absolutely batshit, completely delightful character in Wayward. He’s spunky, he’s fun, but what does he do best?

Fucking. Talk.

He doesn’t shut the fuck up!! He’s completely honest and he just talks. Bitch will tell you his entire life story without batting an eye! This is what Penny needs. 

This is where Simon and Baz are going to end up. 

Perhaps not exactly, that doesn’t suit their personalities. This is what they’ll end up being, though: completely honest with each other. 

These fuckers are constantly thinking about each other throughout the book. 

“Oh he’s so beautiful.” “Oh he’s so charming.” “Oh he’s so funny and smart.” “Oh he’s so heroic and brave.” “Oh, i’d give him my whole being.” “Oh I wish he’d let me in” “Oh I love him so much.” “I love him.” 

They’d both feel so, so, so much better if they just said shit out loud. Good god. 

But neither of them are a) in a place where they can say it and b) in a place where they’ll believe it. 

This brings us to our next biggie:

Baz still doesn’t like himself.

Simon’s obviously having troubles with self loathing. That’s not even a question in anyone’s mind. Simon’s depression and lack of self worth is one of (if not the) main vocal points of the book. 

The issue with Simon’s sadness getting the spotlight is that we overlook Baz’s a bit. It’s thrown in so that we don’t notice immediately, because we’re not supposed to. Baz’s self-hatred isn’t as loud as Simon’s and he’s been dealing with it a lot longer. It’s a self-loathing he’s learned to live with-- he’s used to it by now. 

Sometimes the demons we learn to live with are the most vicious of all. 

I think it’s very clever that the most overt time we see Baz disliking himself is in his Things I Hate List in Chapter Fourteen.

“11. The wind in my hair.

 12. Convertible automobiles.

 13. Myself, most of all.

 14. My soft heart. 

 15. My foolish optimism.

 16. The words “road” and “trip,” when said together with any enthusiasm.”

It’s slipped in there awful sneaky! You’re giggling and going “oh thank god maybe I won’t be sad through the whole book” then BANG! there it is. But, right after we have “my soft heart” and you’re going “oh my poor baby he’s so sweet I love him” before you really had time to process number 13 as anything aside from an “lol i’m hot and icky and i hate myself” joke. 

Baz is used to hating himself. It’s everyday whatever. Simon’s is only louder because he’s not used to being allowed time to think about the bad stuff. Everyday before the end of Carry On for Simon was just struggling to get to the next day-- whether that was at Watford or a home. Simon’s happy when he doesn’t have to think; Baz can’t just not think. 

Penny’s just learned what doubting herself entails; Baz has been doubting himself for the last decade. 

No matter how much they coo at each other, it won’t fix the underlying issue: Baz and Simon don’t like themselves. 

This is the main internal conflict of the series for all of the characters: loving yourself for what you are. 

This brings us to Agatha. 

If you haven’t read my meta on simon being a dragon hell yes then you might want to. I discuss Agatha being a mirror for Simon fairly thoroughly in it. 

Remember how I told you to put a pin in the concept of  “endgames” earlier? Well, here we are. Agatha was supposed to be the “endgame.” 

Endgames! Are! Bullshit! 

Human beings are not our consolation prizes for getting through shit. Becoming stronger as people and loving ourselves more is our prize. Realizing how much you can withstand, how hard you can fight, how amazing you are for surviving is your prize for getting through it. 

None of these guys realize this yet. Agatha and Simon just think there’s nothing good that’s going to come out of their lives and Baz and Penelope just think that maybe their “prizes” weren’t what they thought they were. 

Maybe the rewards for our efforts were really just inside us the whole time. uwu.

Penny is just starting to think of plans again by the end of the book, but this time they’re looser, wilder, even more hairbrained than before and she really only has one plan at best! She’s learning that she can be strong and capable even when she doesn’t have all the facts and doesn’t have all the details thought through. Penny’s learning to loosen up. 

Baz is in a better place by the end of Wayward too. He’s learned so much about vampires and even himself. Like sure I fuckin’ hate Lamb but he helped Baz to realize that... maybe he isn’t a monster. Maybe magical creatures aren’t lesser. Maybe he’s not any less human just because he can drink their blood. 

They’re the only two that really, really develop in this book. Simon and Agatha change but mostly stay the same mentality-wise. Agatha still thinks she’s doomed to be a damsel in distress and Simon still thinks he’s just The Boy That Was. Baz and Penny are the most dynamic characters in Wayward Son.

I’m putting my money on next book being Agatha and Simon’s big development book. And at this point I’m convinced it’s going to be more than a trilogy. 

Now! Let’s talk about Agatha and Penny. 

@stressedidiot pointed out to me that Penny and Agatha holding hands and burning shit down in the last scene was supposed to call back to Baz and Simon. They’re absolutely right. I think the most important thing that was calling back to was Simon giving Baz his magic in Carry On. 

This parallel confused me at first: why would Rainbow need to remind us of that scene? I know I personally have the Ladybird and Twinkle Twinkle Little Star scenes permanently ingrained in my head forever. Obviously we didn’t forget that Simon could pour his magic. 

Here’s the thing. 

Baz and Simon don’t stay together during any of the fight scenes in this book. They always get separated or one of them gets hurt or they’re scrambling trying to find or catch the other one. 

They’ve forgotten that they work best when they’re together.

That was one of the main takeaways from Carry On. Simon and Baz work best when they’re together. 

“A relationship isn’t about the end. It’s about being together every step of the way.” 

Every! Step! Of! The! Way!

This is where my dragon Simon theory really comes into play. If Simon does end up with some sort of dragonesque powers, somehow Baz and him are going to share it. 

When Baz figures out how to drink from humans without killing them, Simon’s going to be right there, ready to open up a vein.

This is the true beauty of their relationship. Simon wants to be the one to lead the dance of kisses and intimacy and communication, and Baz wants to be there to give him anything he wants. Baz has received Simon’s magic; he’s gonna drink Simon’s blood; and he’s somehow going to receive something from Simon regarding this dragon business.

“I’d give him all that I am. 

I’d give him all that I was.

I’d open up a vein.”

They give and take and equal measures. They love each other wholly. I’m gesturing to my computer screen out of stress right now. They literally love each other that much!

Agatha and Penny sharing a magic conduit at the end of Wayward Son is a reminder of what happened between Simon and Baz and also foreshadowing of where they’ll be again.

Imagine how powerful they’ll be once they remember how to work together. 

They were practically unstoppable before when they worked together-- they turned back a dragon. 

But now their love for each other is stronger than ever. It’ll only grow once they finally talk. Once they communicate.

Two people, so strong separately coming together with only love and understanding for each other. 

With their hearts beating together, they could do more than turn back a dragon.

They could change the world.

check my meta about simon’s wings being The Gay

And also my one about the scarf

Thank you for reading this word vomit. Just wanted to tag a few people that might be interested in seeing this shitstorm of a meta:

@goodie-giving-gecko-gets-gatos @singerofsimplesongs @wisest-girl @watfordwallflower @slaying-fictional-dragons @carrybits

[realityshiftingandblogging]

Dreaming, An Explanation

Okay before I start, I had this posted on Amino a while back so if you go "hey I've seen this on Amino-" that's because it's my post. If you need further proof I'll log in and screenshot XD

I wanted to make this to show others valuable information and maybe clear up how the dream process works! Before anyone asks - yes I did write this. These are my NOTES from the book I was reading. You can find it here: https://books.google.com/books/about/500_Dreams_Interpreted.html?id=g-TqtgAACAAJ

Obviously I do not claim to have a scientific discovery on any bit of this information (lol), it's public information.

I've collected, gathered, and put into my own words. If I had to copy it word for word I have "quotations" and things like "(from the book.)" Also, you'll see me say "quote on unquote." If anything wasn't quoted, I sincerely apologize in advance. I hope you get any answers you have needed, and that this isn't too boring! The whole point of this was to give information on dreams and how make the most of them. I never really understood (until a few years back) why we lucid dream and how it works. Why does it do this and is there anything that triggers it? So here is what I learned and what I also got from the book! (I really hope you find answers because this took....8 hours? To write?) So in other words, I hope this clears things up for you!

Side note: The images are sort of like borders?? I hope they don't bother you. And there are a lot of grammar errors so 🧍🏻‍♀️

Introduction

Dreams can be used to communicate and discover important things about yourself. The process happens when the deepest part of your subconscious, that processes the dream state, sends messages to you - which can be symbols, actions, people, or images. What happens in a dream is usually not meaningless, but it can be confusing at times! These messages are meant to help you evaluate and discover what you are doing right and wrong.

Dreams can consist of personal experiences which are why when your subconscious messages you, it can consist of things that are personal to you. (Such as memories, beliefs, and other things like fantasies and expectations.) This is why if you learn the meanings of your dreams and discover how to use them, you can become better at what you do and achieve a higher level of inspiration and encouragement.

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“When you go to sleep, where do you really go?”    ― Brian Lovestar

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The way to unlock the meanings of your dreams is to realize that

¹ They are not a one-way experience in which your dream self bombards you with information.

² Dreams are not lectures, they are dialogues between your conscious and subconscious minds. The dialogue is created from your thoughts, emotions, and experiences. Your dream self then uses this information to create visual pictures to show you what you feel and how you perceive things.

Once you begin to interpret your dreams you will recognize attributes that may not be serving you in the best way possible/positive way. Once you interpret your dreams and learn - you’ll find it easier to face fears and overcome personal challenges. With more practice, you can learn to program and/or “incubate” your dreams to address a very specific problem. Because dreams generally have multiple levels of meaning, the more work, and effort you do, the better.

Why do we dream?

This has no definitive answer, though as far as speculation goes - it's to rejuvenate and repair the body. Others say it’s purely phycological; to review the daily events, relieve the mind, and to release emotions. Here are a few explanations...

Compensation

Carl Jung, a psychologist, believes that we dream to compensate for underdeveloped personalities. His reason is it may explain why the dreaming behavior of some is obviously different from the ‘them’ they personify while awake.

Processing

This suggests that dreams organize and process the conscious and unconscious mind that it received during the day. In other words “refreshing the mind.” And again, in other words, “rebooting/turning it off and on again.”

Coping

Ernest Hartmann, a psychiatry professor, suggests that dreams are projected by certain emotions. The new material is “weaved” into the memory of said dreamer in ways to help cope. In ways such as stress, anxiety, depression, trauma, etc.

Activation Synthesis

In this theory, Allan Hobson and Robert McCarley say that dreams are due to “sensory-motor signals.” These areas activate small parts of the brain that affect memory, emotions, and physical feelings. In this, it creates dreams in relation to the sensations and signals sent.

Resolution

Some scientists believe in this theory: the theory that dreaming is a problem-solving use. They suggest that when we sleep, our brain continues to process all issues of concern that we deal with in our waking hours. In this, it makes up solutions.

So what does happen when we sleep? That we know of?

When you go to bed at night you are alert. The reason is that your brain is still producing a small signal - a beta wave. As you begin to fall asleep these waves slow down and become ‘Alpha Waves.’ When this happens you might experience what’s called “Hypnagogia.” This is the experience of auditory and visual hallucinations that make it hard for you to fall into a “deep sleep.” As others may know it, it can cause Sleep Paralysis and Lucid Dreaming! As Google says: “Hypnagogia is the experience of the transitional state between wakefulness and sleep in humans: the hypnagogic state of consciousness, during the onset of sleep. Mental phenomena that occur during this “threshold consciousness” phase include lucid thought, lucid dreaming, hallucinations, and sleep paralysis.” During the process of attempting this...some people reported hearing their name called, seeing random patterns, and body jerks (which are called myoclonic jerks.) When you’re in this stage it’s as if you’re fighting to stay awake. But actually, this is the first step of sleep.

Every night your body switches between a cycle of REM and NREM states. This happens around every 90 minutes or so, you switch between light sleep and deep sleep and the cycle continues. It supposedly happens around 6 times a night (but varies depending on how long you sleep at night.) The changes between REM and NREM are found by the change of your heart rate, brain activity, muscle tension, and body temperature.

NREM Sleep

State one: In this stage, you should begin to drift off. Your muscles relax, your body temp and blood pressure decrease, and you breathe slowly. As the production of Alpha waves begin to slow, your awareness noise, light, and feeling begin to zone out. Your eyes would exhibit slow movements and this is an easy state to awake you from.

State two: If stage one is undisturbed, state two will enter the stage. In this, you will feel a deeper sense of relaxation and like before… All blood pressure, heart rate, breathing, and temp decrease. Your brain produces slower theta waves which will soon introduce “sleep spindles.” Sleep spindles are higher forms of activity. This process usually lasts 10-20 minutes.

State three: This is a deeper form of sleep. You couldn’t be awakened very easily from this state. Yet again temp, blood, and heart rate decrease. Your brain should still be producing theta waves, which gradually change to lower and larger delta waves.

State four: State four is when you are sleeping deeply now but not dreaming. In this stage, it’s difficult to be awoken due to your body’s sensitivity level. In this stage, most of your brain waves are delta waves now.

Back To Rem

Around 20 minutes after being in stage 4 of NREM, your cycle goes back to states 2 and 3. But you won't return to stage one and wake up. Instead, you will just go to REM sleep. This is called “prime dream mode.” The electrical waves/movements in your brain put you in a state similar to being awake. Your eyes will move from behind the lids. Research says this is because your mind is focusing on the dreams. During this, your heart rate speeds up, oxygen increases and so does your temp. After this REM is induced and what is commonly referred to as Sleep Paralysis will begin. This is when all muscles in the body are immobilized. As far as we know - it’s believed to prevent us from “acting out” in our dreams and hurting ourselves.

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Side Note

This happens multiple times a night. The more time you enter State 4 sleep, the more rejuvenation you receive. The more time you spend in sleep, the less time that 3 and 4 will happen and gives you more time to spend in REM/dreaming stage. Also, from the reading, they say early morning dreams are more vivid and happen longer.

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End of the dreaming

When you begin to wake up, you’ll experience “hypnopompia.” This is very similar to hypnagogia, This stage leaves you disoriented and makes you feel “loopy.” It could make you feel like there is pressure on your chest and sometimes causes you to feel, see, and hear things. Such as someone walking into your room and standing there. This process can be described as your mind waking up before your body does. Many times this does happen, but we have no memory of it ever happening. But when people do remember they describe it as frightening or disturbing. If you do happen to experience this, it’s said to remain calm and your body will eventually wake up.

How can you recall your dreams?

The first good step is to keep the visual fresh in your mind! As well, try to remember as many details as possible. Despite whether you only remember fragments or “none at all.” There are a few fun activities you can do!

Window of Opportunity

This method is intended to improve your observational skills, which does improve dream recall. Pick a comfortable spot to sit in, specifically near a window. You need the window. Take a few moments to unwind and relax. Just let your gaze look wherever you like - as long as you're looking at what’s out there. Notice as much detail as you can while being focused. BUT do not feel stressed by it. Don’t “worry” about it either. Just focus on the details. Take in as much as you can like… what color is the sky? Are the trees yellow and brown or green? Are there people? If so, what do they look like? What are they wearing? Once you are done with the scene and you feel comfortable, bring out a notebook and write down every bit of information you remember. It doesn’t matter the order and neither does it if you don’t remember something specific. It can be general things if that’s all you remember. Also, note the emotions you felt as you looked at certain things. Were you tired? Happy? Wanting this to be over? Write that down. If you’re artistic, you may sketch it! Sometimes sketching the scene may help you remember things you didn’t recall before.

Dream it up a bit

After this exercise, you might want to do better/enhance the skill. When you do, you should try being “more creative.” How so? Make it more “dreamier.” Pretend you are actually there in the scene. Strolling a path, smelling the roses, looking at the lake, etc. Once you’re done, jot it down. Remember to do this in the present tense. Write the details of what you saw and then implement yourself into it - just as you imagined.

Rewrite

If gazing out of a window is not something you want to do. There is another way! To do so you need to recall an event that happened in your day and pretend like it was a dream! Write it down in the present tense. Here’s an example: You went to eat lunch. Since you did you need to ask these questions:

•What time do I leave and arrive?

•What am I wearing?

•What’s the weather like?

•What day of the week is it?

•How am I feeling?

•Do I speak to someone?

•How do I travel?

•Am I alone?

You can do this for however long you’d like. Recalling all of these details as if they were a dream helps your mind remember said dreams.

Suggestion/Affirmations

Yep! Suggestion! This is effective and simple. All you have to do is, very often, suggest to yourself that you WILL remember your dreams. You can post reminders on your phone, ask someone to say “hey you're going to remember your dreams” every so often, or even use a “suggestion trigger.” A suggestion trigger is something to remind you to repeat your phrase. A good “suggestion trigger” is whenever you check the time!

Dream Journals and Sleep

Dream journals are your own personal journal and there is no “right or wrong” way to keep one. It’s made based on what you observe from your dreams. Simply put. The most important part of keeping one is that you feel comfortable with it. Here are a few small suggestions before going to bed:

Pick one that suits you.

Yes, it may be nice to buy one of those fancy dream journals that are marketed as such. But you may get it and spend money on something you really didn’t like. So go with what suits you and makes you comfortable.

Prepare yourself and your place.

Avoid anything strenuous before bed and avoid anything that might disrupt your sleep cycle. If you are a tidy type and need a clean room, then tidy before bed. Be sure the room is the right temperature for you and get into something cozy. You may be too lazy to do so but this will help your sleep and your remembrance of detail. It will also make sure you won’t be distracted by small annoying things.

Place the journal near you when you sleep.

Also, keep a pen! If you wake up at night you can write it ASAP.

Before going to bed, open to a new page.

Note where you are and where you live, the date, the time, etc. Leave a space at the top so you can title it later depending on the dream you had. Summarize all events of that day you can think of and write down your reminder phrase! It is optional if you want to include your mood and your health state. Before going to bed, repeat your reminder phrase

Upon Waking Up

Set your clock 15 minutes earlier than your normal wake time. This gives you more time to write your details. If possible, wake up to classical music or radio. Alarms cause sudden noises and sudden noises have been proven to make you forget dream memory upon waking up. As you begin to wake up, lie down, and keep your eyes shut. This will help “cement” the details into your subconscious. (Supposedly.) Without trying to change or manipulate any thoughts, try to recall the details of your dream When you feel comfortable enough, start writing anything you remember. Write in the present tense. Try to relive the dream as you write it. You can start anywhere in the dream, even go backward. The more important aspect is keeping somewhere to relive. Once you finished you should write the time you woke up and choose a title. Assigning a title and table of contents will help your mind's ability to make connections.

Dreamwork during the day

If you couldn’t recall your dream, take some time (when you can) to write about what your day as if it were a dream. Just like what we mentioned above. To “enhanced” this exercise you can imagine that you really did recall something. For example (come from the book): “I awake with a vague feeling of having been in a sunny place. There are brightness and warmth.”

Dream Incubation. What is it? And how do I use it?

Around the world there are places called “Dream temples” These temples were made in the honor of Asklepios, the god of healing. Snakes were allowed to move freely around these temples because it was believed they were secret symbols to evoke the powers of gods. As you may know, there is a popular symbol of snakes. The Caduceus! It’s two snakes wrapped around a staff. This is mainly based on the symbolism that snakes are “healers.” Both emotional and physical. Dream temples were most often placed in a rural area away from loud places. Many people would travel, even from long distances, to stay in these places to receive answers or enlightenment. These temples had a set intention for visitors/seekers to clarify the outcome they wanted. Because of the focus and encouragement received from the temples, it’s said it’s not unusual to receive the specific message they looked for. Not all cultures and places had these temples, but it didn’t stop them from Dream Incubation. (More on that in a minute). The Egyptians wrote the questions they wanted on linen and tied it around the wrist while meditating. Some soaked it in oil and burned it with incense while praying. Then they went to sleep, expecting the answer.

As you know, these days you can’t go to your local supermarket and pass by a dream temple. But, dream incubation is still widely practiced. People still to this day to "program" their dreams.

Your Temple

When trying to induce your routine to practice dream incubation, it can be simple or complex. Whatever you find comfortable. The temple of yours can be anywhere you find comfortable and where you are willing to practice the routine. (Such as writing, scripting, daydreaming, etc). But the main idea is to focus on your desired message.

Here are a few steps:

•Choose your phrase

•Form a clear intention

•Prepare your mind

•Get comfy

•Relax

•Visualize your dream’s solution (Ex: reading it, having the advice handed to you, seeing the answer played out in your very own personal “dream drama.”)

•Think about your reaction to the answer

Incubating dreams

When incubating your dreams you need a pre-set idea. Where do you want to be? In what way do you want your answer given? What symbols represent this? Afterward, start daydreaming about it, try to feel whatever it is that would be around you. Choose phrases that will affirm that it’s what you will dream of. Repeat that as many times possible. Often reflect on how it would feel being there and when you wake up and log as usual. But because you are programming this yourself - there may be nothing to interpret. But it will induce what you wanted to see. (A/N. As I’m reading this book and typing these notes I'm realizing how close they were to figuring out the shifting process. I-. Bye-). But take this moment to think through what happened, there may have been a messaged slipped in.

Lucid Dreams (Fun Fact!)

Believe it or not, the earliest record of lucid dreaming was recorded in the 4th century B.C. This happened when Aristotle, himself, was writing his work ‘On Dreams.’ He said quote on quote “For often when one is asleep, there is something in consciousness which declares that what then presents itself is but a dream.” In 1867 Hervey de Saint-Denys wrote “Dreams and How to Guide Them.” This book was intended to show you the techniques he used to achieve a state of realization.

To Lucid Dream

When you lucid dream, you can do anything you please when you realize it is nothing but a dream. So how can you tell if it's a lucid dream? How do you lucid dream? Well, there are multiple ways.

Record it.

Record what you remember. Like we talked about with a dream journal.

Power of suggestion.

Even a simple phrase that “I am aware I am dreaming.” Is simple enough! Repeat this during the day and at night.

Checking your reality.

A commonly favored thing is “reality checks.” This requires you to test your surroundings and ask if they are real or not. If you notice something is off, it’s possible you once played it off. But if you looked closer, it was a dream.

Look for inconsistencies.

It’s found that a few things do not remain consistent in a dream. For example lights, watches, the time, sounds, etc. Because these changes are not normal, you know it’s just a dream.

Now that there are tips to know if you’re in a dream; Here are some to help you practice lucid dreaming/become in the state.

Visualize your everyday life (when awake) like a dream! Convince yourself as every small thing is just a dream. Whenever you’re doing something, take a look around and think of it as a dream. Believe that everything you do can be changed because you will it. Daydreaming the small things have changed will help as well. The tree outside? It’s not dead. It’s in full bloom! These practices are intended to help you make conscious and unconscious choices.

[archieism]

hey friends. i know i haven’t been on a lot, but coping with the state of the world has been kinda tough on its own. but in the last weekend alone, my home life has left me feeling barely able to breathe. my mom is flipping stuff upside down after years of somewhat dysfunctional but tolerable and we ultimately love each other parent/child dynamic to concerning somewhat erratic behavior that’s left me feeling at a loss and no longer safe in this house. i don’t fear her as much as how i can live here anymore. she’s gone cold and outright voiced her sudden lack of regard whatsoever for how me or my siblings want to coexist with her despite being dependents, how we feel about these sudden changes without an invitation to be involved in them, or even if we feel safe with her anymore. 

she’s apologized just tonight, admitted she’s been acting out of fear instead of faith (hashtag conservative christian parents) but i’m not sure how much repair can be done, or if this means she’ll change what she’s been doing, or if it will even stick at all. my chest still feels tight. i still feel like i’m gonna throw up any moment. i still feel like i could burst into tears any second. maybe i’m overreacting, but i’ve never felt unsafe with my mom in my life. she’s always been my protector from the people who are unsafe, so this change feels life ending. i feel like i’m drowning and i don’t know what to do. to make it worse, i still have a cat with urinary issues and asmtha who needs special cat food AND litter who depends on me, who i’ve been borrowing money to take care of while i’m unemployed, and now i don’t know if that’s guaranteed anymore even though he could die without it. maybe it will turn out she’s not being that drastic, but i hate that i don’t know anymore if she would do that or not. as stressed as i am for myself and my siblings, i feel like not knowing if i can take care of my cat or if i’d even be able to transport him to a better home without a car even if i wanted to is making me want to keel over and die. but that wouldn’t help him, so i can’t.

i don’t know why i’m typing this. my mental health hasn’t been this bad in a while, or maybe ever, i don’t know; everything’s still very fresh since it’s all happened in literally like two days. but i guess that’s why everything feels uncertain now. 

i think i’m gonna make a gofundme for worse case scenarios concerning my cat, as well as any leftovers going towards me saving up for either a plane ticket or a car rental if i ever get the opportunity to leave here. i knew leaving my mom after years of her and us kids helping each other through hellish circumstances would be hard, but i never thought it’d be even harder due to leaving her behind by herself on such a bad note. i hope she can last by herself after years of mostly having just her kids as her friends due to living in such a shitty town full of shitty people. i’m so scared for her if i leave, but i’m also kind of scared for myself if i stay, or leave, or anything. i hope she can learn to fully love and care for herself as well as her kids in the ways we need her to for a functioning relationship. but i don’t know if that possibility’s been crushed in a single weekend. i want to keep that door open, but i also want to love myself enough to make decisions for myself that will lead to a future where i can hope to ever be happy with or without her instead of despair in my ability to even stay alive until i i can pass of old age one day.

my oldest sister who only just started living with us again in the last year and a half and has been kind of a rock through all this is choosing to leave in about a week and i’m really hoping it doesn’t break me. she doesn’t want to leave us behind, but she’s just as broke as the rest of us and even worse off with her physical health right now. 

the remaining three; my little brother, my older sister, and me, are trying to strategize a way we can collectively save up and move out together. we’re clinging to each other and trying to find solutions to this with no experience or training from any adults in our lives, parents who cared or not, from teachers, pastors, etc. despite being fully grown adults, i feel like we’re all feeling fragile. for one reason or another, our parents failed to raise us to even know how to be adults or do be on our own or how to keep a steady job, yet we’re expected to flip the full adult autonomy switch overnight with no warning or discussion before hand.

life feels scary right now, at least for me. really scary. i don’t know if i’ve ever been this scared before, and i know my entire childhood’s been pretty shitty. maybe my mom’s apology will finally actually mean something and i can delete this post with a cringey shake of my head in a month. i don’t know. but i know i need to look for some forms of stability outside of hers regardless. i don’t think i could make it through if i trusted this was over only for it to happen again. maybe it’s everything else going wrong in 2020 on top of it, but it feels like i’d just collapse and never get up again. it’s so hard to already, but i have my cat to help me keep going, if for no other reason than he NEEDS me to keep going in order to just stay alive, and now my siblings too. my mom used to be one of those reasons, and maybe she still is, but i don’t want to count on it as much anymore.

this is a vent post. way too much oversharing. but i feel like i’m going crazy and on the verge of an emotional breakdown, or maybe this is me having one lol

this is also a sort of question for any of my mutuals on here, if any of you are still reading (sorry it’s so long and so dramatic, i just. i feel rly scared and everything feels impossible right now). if any of you in the united states are looking for a roommate, i really need one. ideally, i’ll find an online job by the time i can execute any roommate plans, but if anyone is willing to take an unemployed depressed bitch who will fast for at most a month until i can find some local work, i am.... in dire need of something if my mom’s apology doesn’t stick, and even if it does; i really think i need to leave as soon as i can for both our sakes, even if as soon as i can is by the end of the year. ideally, cats are welcome in the space we’d be sharing, unless i find a beautifully trustworthy home i know he’ll be happy and safe with and can even bring myself to say goodbye. 

i’ll take anything at this point. even just brainstorming a situation over dms will probably do wonders for my mental health. i’m so sorry for dumping this all on the dashboard, and please know you can 100% keep scrolling or simply send good vibes, because i am asking around elsewhere. if my siblings and i can execute something together like we’re hoping, i probably won’t need a tumblr roommate lol, but backup plans feel kind of necessary, at this time, at least.

[056crowshit6556]

Wow! I just wanted to tell you how deep and profound your mitzi / mordecai analysis is, yes, I hope it's good to ask but I don't understand the part of projecting of each other and facade? (Sorry, English is not my first language).

Hey! It’s no problem. Your English is just fine, hopefully I can answer as clearly as possible.

So, what I see in the characters of Mitzi and Mordecai is a sense of loss and disillusionment. It is difficult to see your ‘savior’ as anything but good, so I get the sense that they both view Atlas in an untainted light. Someone who is good and devoid of doing wrong (perhaps he did do something wrong, and that caused things to “visibly deteriorate”, which sadly led to his untimely death). But it is difficult to let go of someone who has changed your life for what you perceive as the better. That’s how I see Mitzi and Mordecai dealing with their loss.

Coming from someone who grew up with two older brothers, a younger sister, and a younger brother (I was the middle child in a family of five siblings deep in the poorest parts of South Carolina, I apologize for getting off-topic, but that upbringing is laden with all sorts of stories lol) I get the hunch that siblings tend to project feelings, emotions, inadequacies, or insecurities onto each other. I suppose it was my personal experience, but I saw “projection” being exchanged between Mitzi and Mordecai, because I assumed they had a sibling-type relationship. I saw them exchange their guilt and sadness over Atlas’s death in the car scene. It’s easier to express those things outwardly than to examine them inwardly. I regret doing that to my siblings, and I get the hunch it’s something that happens between siblings in a family vying for attention, or some kind of recognition. 

Thinking about it, I don’t know if ‘facade’ is the right word I should have used for the post, but I’ll explain why I used it. Facades are created in relation to the people we admire most. I don’t think this is necessarily the case all the time, but it’s effective in storytelling. I think the characters of Mitzi and Mordecai identified themselves so closely with Atlas that they never fully got over whatever happened in their past (I think it’s striking that Mordecai lost both his father and little sister, but has yet to reveal any grievance over such a thing, and perhaps Mitzi has lost something close to her that she has not yet incorporated into her psyche). Perhaps, Mitzi and Mordecai never grieved the death of Atlas in a ‘complete’ way. The full stages of grief are not bogus, I think they’re pretty realistic. Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance. And it begs the questions: Is there anything they could have done better? And perhaps Mitzi and Mordecai ask themselves this question, but instead of fully accepting it, they project it onto each other. As in, “He could have prevented this” or “She could have been there for him”. Very difficult emotions to deal with, so they place those feelings onto the other. Placing blame onto another is easier than accepting those emotions– it’s hard…maybe I’m exhausted and that’s why I’m saying it, but maybe we can never fully accept loss. It’s an existential part of being human. It’s like weight we carry.

Maybe they built up personas or facades that served Atlas best, and then after he died, those personas became challenged. Deteriorated. Masks aren’t meant to last forever. They aren’t even meant to last a lifetime: we are constantly changing, which is a blessing I believe. So I figured that sometime, sooner or later, Mitzi and Mordecai’s masks, or facades, were going to deteriorate. Hell, I think Mordecai’s composure is already starting to break in the comic’s story. He’s acting a little off-kilter than he was at the story’s beginning, a bit more stressed. It’s interesting to see. I want all the best for both Mitzi and Mordecai, but I can’t help but feel like they’re going to get themselves into some trouble. It makes for a good story and I’m looking forward to seeing how they navigate themselves through it.

I apologize for the long post. I’ve been working overtime because of the current situation happening in the world, so being able to relax and write out my thoughts has been a comfort. Thank you for the ask!