#sorry vague posting on twitter still has me upset

[cameleonvermillon]

im tired of having to pretend the things I like are bad just to be allowed to enjoy them

[chaifootsteps]

The entirety of this following ramble is me bringing to attention a very specific moment in the history of Viv's interactions with her fan base and how that interaction itself reflected on her as an early but easily ignored warning sign of her tendencies and lack of self-restraint online to come. I have only ever seen one anon vaguely reference this incident in passing on your page some months ago, so I think that providing a more detailed account of the incident may actually be a really important look at Viv’s personality in the past that not enough people are aware of. Almost everyone and their dog knows about the "My name is Caine, I am your Bitch" incident from last year because the internet quickly saw, in mass, the way Viv composes herself online regarding opinionated content about her and her creative works. This reveal was important because thousands of people learned through more than a few twitter posts that Viv is not good at, ironically enough, "taking a joke". However, over a year prior to the MNIC drama was the drama around the delay announcement in June 2022 for episode 8 of season 1 of Helluva Boss: Within a day of the announcement, a relatively small youtuber made a live stream talking about their disappointment with the delay announcement, explaining that this delay announcement revealed that they had been waiting for months on an episode that wasn’t even directly relevant to the plot developments from the previous episode 7, and that Spindlehorse had not been providing a reasonable amount of previous communication with the fandom about the state of episode 8 when considering how Helluva Boss was a nearly entirely fan funded web series. 

And then Viv herself showed up in the youtuber's live stream chat.

I don't know if some fans informed Viv of the stream or if she found out about it herself, but what matters is that she started basically arguing with the youtuber via the chat about why the Spindlehorse team couldn't disclose the reason for the delay and that the youtuber wasn't giving the creative team enough credit for their attempts to prevent having to delay the episode’s release, along with stating how the creative team were themselves upset by the complications of the delay. When the youtuber stood firm on their disappointment with the lack of communication and how the fans can't be expected to know the details surrounding a situation they aren't told about, Viv basically admitted defeat and left the stream chat, her last comment being "Sorry for saying anything".

The next day, the youtuber made a follow up video summarizing the delay update, their feelings on it, Viv's comments from the stream, and a final remark towards the Spindlehorse creative team about the communication the youtuber felt Spindlehorse owed their audience. Within a few weeks, the youtuber had to delete the summary video due to the extreme amount of backlash and dogpiling they got by Helluverse fans for their opinions and how they stood firm towards Viv's comments. I know my description of the event has been fairly vague, but part of that is specifically because there is very little information available that this all even transpired because of how quickly the degree of harassment led to videos being deleted. I won't say the name of the youtuber for the sake of their anonymity, but they were decently known in the earlier days of the fandom because of the lore and theory videos they specifically made about the show, a show they had great admiration for. However, I still think it's important you know more specifically that this happened and why it matters since many people come to you asking about the complex timeline of Viv's behavior. Well, in June 2022, one incident in that timeline that barely any Helluverse fan knows about was that one time when Viv went onto the live stream of a small-scale but dedicated fan of her show, argued with the fan on their stream where everyone in the stream audience watching would be witness, criticized the fan for their behavior and how they spoke out on a literal lack of information in front of that entire stream audience, and then played the pity card as she signed off. If I had to explain what the point of all of this was, it's that I just wish this fandom (antis and stans included) knew more about that incident several months before the MNIC incident when Viv, who had significant influence over her fanbase of millions at that time, caused so much distress towards a small scale fan of her own shows for committing the apparent sin of stating their own opinion. Viv has refused to "not get involved" in online conversations both big and small for YEARS proceeding the MNIC shenanigans, and in this case in June 2022, that included her self-serving, ego-protecting involvement causing significant distress for what had previously been an extremely loyal fan of Viv's own work who was simply stating an opinion to whatever other fans wanted to hear it.

For anyone who's curious, there are actually screenshots of this happening.

[tamayula-hl]

It's been a long time since I've posted as my daughter and I have both been in bed with the flu and Covid! And once again I apologise for posting an article that is disturbing the atmosphere of HL fandom.

I have discussed the false accusation of trace plagiarism levelled against me with @freewld and have received an apology from her saying that it was a misunderstanding.

Here is a verified image of this case (Twitter/X)

I am now deeply relieved that we were able to end the discussion with a result that convinced her of my innocence. If it was a misunderstanding, I am willing to end it all this time. I would like to end this false accusation racket with a discussion with her. I will refrain from mentioning the matter once and for all (unless another disturbing incident occurs), and I hope that you will refrain from further mention of it too. I also do not want any slanderous behaviour, excessive criticism, speculation or falsehoods towards her, so I strongly urge you all to refrain from doing so. (Just in case , I have compiled screenshots and other evidence regarding the defamation of me that I have received in this row, and submitted and consulted with lawyers and others)

She also requested that I make a correction announcement on four points, which I would like to make here.

She said she conducted the survey with the intention of "using it as one reference for the opinions of her followers".

Tamayula's wish was the reason she decided to make the suspicion of plagiarism public.

She did not vote on the survey from multiple accounts to give herself an advantage.

She only made her Twitter account private after the survey was invalidated.

My verified public article was written in Japanese, which I wrote in a very confused and upset state, and translated into English and published at DeepL. Therefore, it was very difficult to understand and there were many phrases that may have led to your misunderstanding. I would like to apologise deeply for the confusion caused to everyone by my misunderstanding and incomprehensible article, and at the same time, I would like to correct it here. Although it has taken me a long time to respond, I have corrected the English text of the article on Tumblr and made it private, and on Twitter, I have deleted the tweet that referred to the survey.

I was very upset by the false accusations that suddenly fell upon me, and I sincerely regret that I repeatedly exposed myself in an emotional and unsightly manner, and that I failed to respond correctly to the incident. I cannot thank enough those who were kind to me and gave me warm words and those who believed in my innocence. I am sorry, but I will refrain from replying to you now, because if I do so, it is likely to cause an uproar again, but your words of encouragement and support, which I received at a time when I was feeling quite emotionally drained, gave me tremendous emotional support, more than you can imagine. Thank you very much. I am deeply grateful.

As for my future creative activities, I plan to continue with both Tumblr and Twitter as they are now. (However, I intend to move at the end of March in my real life and will be very busy for a few months with preparations and my new life, so my activities will be quite low-key for the time being). My interest in HL, Seb and Omi has not changed, and I am still motivated to paint, but in reflecting on the current turmoil, I now realise that I was very easily influenced by other people's creative styles, and that I had a vague idea of what the boundaries of inspiration were. In the future, I will continue to be self-conscious about my own dangerous values and make every effort to correct them, and if I have used a work as a reference, I will clearly state it and do my utmost not to cause trouble for others as an artist.

Finally, I am very sorry for the trouble I have caused to so many people. And to those of you who have been so warm and thoughtful, once again, thank you very much indeed 🙏 I will continue to do my best in drawing from now on!

[quibbs126]

Oh yeah, so I’ve been actually coloring my stylized versions. This is just what I have so far on the page, but I still felt like sharing

First we have Dark Cacao and Choco, obviously, since they were what started it and they’re my faves

I feel like I should mention, I said previously that they were gonna be monochromatic, specifically greyscale, with the eyes (and probably gems) being the only pop of color. I did that, and then sent it to a Discord group I’m in, but then someone there told me “hey maybe don’t color them as grey”. To be fully honest, I’m still not entirely sure why (note that I’m white and also tend to live under a rock when it comes to real world stuff), but I do vaguely recall some people being upset that Fettuccine when she came out had a somewhat grey dough color, so I assume there’s some sort of negative connotation around coloring black people with grey skin. Yeah I’d say this was a case of me not thinking before I do something, which is pretty common for me tbh. So I decided to instead make their colors purple and red monochromatic (outside of the hair), and that person on Discord said it looked a lot better

I probably didn’t need to tell you all that, I could have just said I decided to make them purple and red and avoided saying that I did that, but I don’t know, I felt like I should? I don’t like being dishonest (unless it’s my parents)

Also Dark Cacao and Choco’s eyes are white as a partial reference to the Shadow Milk puppets

Anyways, so on to Golden Cheese and Black Raisin

I mostly drew them because on Twitter, there’s someone who ships the two of them and she’s been liking my art, so I thought to draw them. Well I was already drawing Golden Cheese, but I drew Black Raisin too because of that

They’re triangles because birds, and also because Golden Cheese has the triangle Soul Jam

To be perfectly honest, I feel like Golden Cheese didn’t turn out that well. Or at the very least, she looked better in the rough sketches. Maybe it’s because I don’t draw her that much

Golden Cheese was the one I probably took the most liberties with design wise, but color wise she stayed mostly the same. It’s mostly because how her face is drawn, meaning you only see one side of it, and her colors kind of just work as is with the stylization

Golden Cheese is probably going to be the only Ancient to keep her normal dough color, other than maybe Pure Vanilla

Black Raisin turned out better I think. She has sharper angles mostly because I didn’t realize until later that I should make GC sharper, but it didn’t look right. And also I think it fits with Black Raisin’s character to be sharper

Black Raisin has a lot less colors, mostly because I didn’t think she needs that many, she’s relatively simple color wise

Sorry I’m in class right now, and I’m only half paying attention to this post. I think I’ve got most everything down, so I’ll just post now

[illdesigns]

hii! i hope ur doing well! idk if u have gotten other asks ive sent or not but i was wondering where u went… u havent really posted writing or even fandom stuff period lol

i just want to clarify that this is like…the fourth or fifth message i have gotten, seemingly from the same anon due to typing styles and general content. i’ve been steadfastly ignoring them for a bit because it’s no skin off my nose but i’m honestly tired. so i’m sorry if i come off as unnecessarily mean during this but i cannot overstate the fact i’ve been ignoring this for a while.

i’m still blogging. i haven’t left or gone anywhere. yeah, i haven’t really posted writing, because i’ve been busy. because i’m a grown adult who does other things in my life. and i have posted fandom stuff - i am not immune to gifsets, fanart and jokes about media i like. but i am deciding to cease participating in fandom spaces because it’s not really for me any more. i want to focus more on my original writing and am not in a point where i can give a hobby and something i want to turn into a career the same level of attention.

and i know this anon probably means a Certain Fandom, as i’ve only been active in one the past few years. i’ve not felt the need to make some big announcement of a fandom flounce at my big age but i also don’t feel as if i have any particular place i fit in in the metalocalypse fandom any more. i’m glad for the great friends i made during my time participating in that, and i also met my current partner through the fandom and that’s given me a lot of nice opportunities in life too. so yay me.

however, if i may allow myself a certain degree of flounce since i’ve been pestered into sharing this information by somebody who seems to have had a bi-weekly alarm on their phone about sending me passive aggressive anons: i’m not particularly keen on a fandom space that, outside of an immediate circle of friends, has been an absolute minefield of social interaction. between watching drama and outright harassment my friends have dealt with and the issues i have faced myself (harassment to the point of changing certain social media accounts, having my locked twitter account put on blast by somebody upset i blocked people not in my immediate social circle so i wouldn’t deal with awkward follow requests, somebody in my dms threatening suicide over his traced ship art for months at a time, getting vagued constantly and associated with actual abusive people and/or practices because i liked a character with four minutes of screentime AND OTHER INCIDENTS)…i realized that was a lot of emotions for a cartoon. especially a cartoon ive liked for a long time, since it started airing, and it’s a cartoon i would like to continue liking.

so i honestly don’t know what else this anon would want from me. i’ve already lost a few followers from my drop in fandom related activity, which i’m fine with, so if another person or multiple people would like to unfollow after this that’s fine too! it’s just tumblr, babes! curate your dash as you see fit! just don’t randomly pester people about a lack of content that was barely supported when it was being made, by a person who was constantly getting shit on by randoms because of said content while posting it :)

[dreastmilk]

man I haven’t seen anybody heteronormatize dream or feminize george in recent history 😭 I understand wanting more dream but having George centric fic is a sign of the times <- major false allegations, people missing him a lot because he’s been dead silent since his second response, golos doubling down on loving him. I feel like you’re only seeing what you want to see which is something to be upset about, and it’s fine to be upset about it! it’s fine to have preferences! but your grounds for complaining are weakened by the fact that you don’t want to write or you thinking you’ll just be one person and can’t shift the tides. there are like 4 major dnf authors left and maybe 10 randos and only one that I know of is a golo, and she still gives dream his flowers in her fics. curate your dash, you can unfollow people incessantly george posting and refollowing them later! the internet is moldeable! there’s no need to victimize yourself for people disagreeing with your opinions. I’m a drolo but I can say that dream was front and center in fic for so long during the peak, and there’s still a lot of him. it was bound to swing the other direction at some point

most people on my dash are my good friend mutuals 😭 it's just general dteam posting so everything is varied and I don't really like to unfollow/refollow sorry

I really don't think it's as bad as it was in the beginning (I remember the fics and I've looked through the drarchive) and I'm sorry if I implied that people were doing this explicitly. back during my brief stint on Twitter late last year I did follow someone (we were mutuals idk) who specifically feminised George and used she/her pronouns for him and I still think about it tbh. okay tangent aside it's more subtle? I think dnf are multifaceted and their relationship can be interpreted a million ways but people tend to go for a specific facet of them that has heteronormative subtext. I don't really want to go into it but it's obvious to me so I notice it and get like. Irked about it. But it builds into an irritating mess when I see more and more fics like it. I really appreciate fics that don't do it, but I feel that there's a few general unsaid "rules" in your average dnf fics that have heteronormative subtext in it. This is a messy ramble so don't take what I say to heart tho

Also like. Man. I just want to complain in vagueness about something I don't like. Frankly I have bigger things to worry about so it's not something I can put effort into maybe trying to change right now. Maybe in a few months

[ikubaes]

i'm not sure if you will ever look back on here after interaction we had on friday, but i want to write this anyway... i wanna answer everything you wrote in your post... and i think this is just me subsequently wanting to talk to you more.

i have to admit, i was a little confused as to why you broke no contact with me first on the 3rd and then writing to me on the 12th... if we weren't gonna talk... this could just be my confusion, but i always thought reaching out first meant having a conversation with the other person? i guess maybe i didn't reply fast enough? the message and post gave me a lot of hope for a future "us" would that look back at this moment in time and just laugh at how silly we were being.

things in your post made me think you did wanna talk, so i was a bit surprised by the reaction i got when i approached you. i knew it was your birthday and there's a million other things you'd rather be doing, but i don't know... it confused me a lot. this isn't me being upset that you didn't want to, it's just the way i was processing everything... it's okay, though. i told you that i wouldn't rush you. not that you ever have to talk to me either... i feel like the ball has always been in your court when it comes to us reconnecting... it's really your call... your comfort. i'll always want to. not because i think of you fondly because you loved me so dearly, i want to because i truly feel as if we're meant to be in each other's lives if we carry holes in us that are entirely shaped like the other.

i want to talk you again, be in your space again, feel you trust me again, laugh with you again, link arms with you while we walk down the street again. i genuinely love you. i never stopped. i guess the problem was that i never really cared what we were, as long as we could fall on each other and talk... maybe that's my fault.

i'll list my contacts here that are quicker than tumblr if you do wanna talk... i won't bother you on instagram again.

discord: mostlyfate / twitter: @idluanymore

i really don’t know how to start this off. i don’t even know how many days have passed since i finally saw what was on your blog. it’s kind of funny, actually. i’ve went back and looked on here a bunch of times throughout the past year but i never felt able to check the stuff on your blog. it felt invasive, for some reason. even though we kind of built this together (didn’t we?) it felt like i wasn’t allowed to go back on there, so i didn’t. but that day i was having a particularly hard time and i was feeling your absence in a way that just saying “missing” doesn’t seem to cut it. i was talking with a new friend who doesn’t know much about you and i guess i said something in relation to you that made them say something along the lines of: i don’t know what happened because you don’t talk about this but i can tell this is still hurting you. it caught me off guard, i guess it’s never nice to be called out. either way, that night i was really looking for your words. i felt silly but i read plenty of tomin and i wanted to remember what you said to me in letters. i vaguely remembered you maybe addressing me at the end of gifts, so i finally checked your blog. imagine my surprise, i wanted just a paragraph of you telling me i was valued and i came across all that. it froze me, it’s frozen me for several days. i find myself in a state where i don’t know where i stand and i don’t know what to do. i regret never getting closure but i didn’t dare to mess with how it was ended.

that is kinda funny that you were never able to look at my blog... i looked at yours a lot, especially the little note you wrote me at the end of tomin's 500 days. sometimes it would make me cry. sometimes it would make me smile. on the tail end of 2023, it would mostly make me cry. we did build these blogs together and now we're here, tip-toeing around each other on them years later. i also miss you in a way that "missing" doesn't encompass either. i'm sorry the thought of me still hurts you, i really wish i could do something about it; i really want to. i don't really say sorry a lot either, so i really mean it when i say it to you. i'm happy my words were able to reach you. i hope you could feel the fondness and love i still hold for you in them. this part "i find myself in a state where i don’t know where i stand and i don’t know what to do. i regret never getting closure but i didn’t dare to mess with how it was ended." is what made me think you wanted to reconnect with me, on top of the message from the 3rd.

with the topic of you talking to your friend who doesn't know a lot about me, i had a similar experience. i made a new friend last year who was also a taylor swift fan, i also kinda delved into her music a lot more after we stopped talking because i always told you i liked her girly, country albums more than her newer stuff and it was also just an excuse to feel close to you in some way. at least we'll be listening to the same songs. so, it was when she dropped her eras tour dvd thing online. we were watching it, making commentary and the song 'the 1' came on. i busted into tears. it was so uncontrollable, we had to pause and all i could do was cry about all of the memories of you flooding through my mind about how you said it reminded you of me.

i’ve thought about you throughout the year. i’ve thought about you, your sister, your brother, your friends. i’ve thought about the “i hope you get everything you’ve ever wanted and i hope i never hear a thing about it” quote. not in a negative way, of course. i wish for your happiness because i still genuinely think you are deserving of love but i don’t think that’s something that will ever include me. i think you remember me fondly because i loved you so desperately and i believe you will be able to find other people, like me, who will love you like that. it just won’t be me, and that’s fine. all the love i showed you is yours to keep and i hope you know that.

i thought a lot about you too. i've thought about those around you and how jealous i am of them. the quote does hurt, but i really hope i do get to hear about everything good that's happened to you even if it doesn't involve me. i still think there's a chance for us, so i do think you could be involved if you wanted to be. i don't remember you fondly simply because you loved me. i remember you the way i do because despite all of the stuff we went through together, we could always smile at the end. i think about you so sweetly because you were my rock, the person i went to everything with, the person who would sit with me for hours, bantering and creating and allowing me to love her. i'm sorry the kind of love i was capable of back then wasn't what you wanted. i truly am sorry. i recognize now that to a person who feels one type of love so strongly, being around the object of their affection that can only give another form of love must've been really hard. we had so many memorable times together... so many of my formative moments in my late teens and early twenties were with you. a part of me grew up with you. i love for for many reasons and not one of them is simply because you loved me.

it does make me feel less lonely to realize you remember me in such kind ways. in my constant self-villanization i feared the occasional aches i felt were one-sided and i was nothing more than just a fleeting memory to you. i wrote this down a lot. do you miss me? do you think about me? are you fine with all this? am i carrying this all alone? i guess i’m not. it makes the burden a little less heavy and then you wonder, isn’t this kinda ridiculous? but i don’t know.. i don’t know. i guess i wanted you to know that i still carry you too. in the small things, the iu and the red velvet, the fromis 9 and the furuba. that silly black cat is still in my bed, but now he wears a cinnamoroll hat and goes by a new name. i changed a lot this past year, mostly my interests. i realized half-way i was just pretending there was a three year gap where nothing happened, avoiding things i shared with you and sheltering myself in things i wouldn’t find you in, even though i always found you. did you know jeonghan from seventeen’s favorite movie is my tomorrow, your yesterday? did you get the 1004 from him? i always think about these things. do you remember when i told you juyeon from the boyz was kinda jeongmin coded? do you remember when we made an idolverse and i ripped off their discography? do you remember jeongmin? a lot of people are surprised i kind of stopped caring about twice. but how could i? i couldn’t even explain it. i walked around with holes i forcibly ripped away until i found something else to patch them up. i made new friends, factory reset my life.

i do miss you. i do think about you. i wasn't fine with it and i still am not fine with the distance between us. you're not carrying anything alone. why is it ridiculous that we both miss each other dearly? did we not love each other for 2 years? do we both not wish we could still be around the other? i never really tried to forget you, if i had to be honest. of course it stung, but i took it as me just simply still caring about you. after the initial pain had waned, i think my love for you simply crystalized in my heart; it was still there, just condensed and solid in place. i never really tried to change my interest either, i thought in retrospect, it was kinda sweet that our voices would echo behind the others' whenever we spoke about common things we shared. i'm happy you still carry the black cat around with you, even if she's different now. to be loved is to be changed, no?

i hope one day you'll be able to enjoy the things you enjoyed with me with yourself again... and if you don't want to, that's okay, too. interests change all the time. i rewatched our beloved summer this past summer because i missed you the most then and all i could think about is how we ended up paralleling yeonsu and ung.

i didn't know his favorite movie was my tomorrow, your yesterday! dang, does that mean we're both basic? /lighthearted and i got 1004 because it means cheonsa in korean! i always thought it was cute, it's cute that that's his birthday, too. i also happen to like juyeon these days. the boyz, not so much, but i do like seeing juyeon's photoshoots. he is jeongmin coded, isn't he? i still remember jeongmin. my favorite muse to ever exist, of course! i remember everything about him, you could still quiz me now and i'm sure i'd get a 100% on a minnie quiz.

coincidentally on the 3rd, i accidentally typed jeongmin's name instead of jeongin for a show i was watching with a friend. i was surprised myself that his name was still engrained in me.

i'm happy that you have a good crowd around you. i'm also surprised you can't find yourself being invested in twice anymore since i remember they were the main group you collected. i hope that changes since they were your girls for so long.

saying it like that kind of makes it sound miserable, but i’m not, or at least i’m not most of the time. i don’t want you to think i am struggling, i think i’ve managed to hold myself up pretty alright. though i am emotionally unavailable in ways that surprise me when i look back at us, the person who i am today vs. the lover girl i was… please always cherish that love because i don’t know if i will ever be able to give it away like that. so devoted the lines blur. my new friend said it’s concerning when i said i let the people that love me do whatever they want with or to me, but i don’t know. maybe one day i will learn, but please don’t let all that i gave you be in vain. if you still have those days where you feel too difficult, always remember there was somebody that really loved you and would’ve done anything for you. i don’t need it to be mutual anymore, i just want it to be acknowledged.

i'm glad you have been living a good life. i truly am. i hope you have brighter days than you have dark. i do cherish all of the love you gave me. i just wish you would let me give it back to you in a manner that i couldn't back then. so devoted the lines blur is a beautiful way to put it. i do still have days where i feel too difficult, that's all i could think about the first couple of months that we didn't talk. how inept i was. how i couldn't seem to get it through my thick skull that you did love me. i wrote about this in my first post to you and a little bit in my second, too. how i couldn't seem to get a grasp on my interpersonal problems that made me feel so unlovable. get a grasp on my sexuality. asking me to believe you loved me back then was like asking an atheist to believe in god. they simply couldn't. i think we argued about how i didn't feel like you cared for me a few times because the way you portrayed it wouldn't register in my worm-infested brain or something like that. the problems we had back then really escape me now. i know a lot of it was because i had a hard time admitting i had feelings for you because of my confusion in my sexuality, how turbulent my life was at one point, how moody i was, too, and how we never really talked about it afterwards. how things just were swept under the rug because we wanted to salvage what kind of relationship we still had with each other. i think we were both really insecure with the other, too. i know i was really immature too. short with you, too. couldn't understand why you kept saying or doing things that upset me. i've healed a lot in therapy, i'm coming up on one year in therapy soon. i've done a lot of work pertaining my family problems and my emotional dysregulation. i think i saw my therapist 3 times a week during the summer because i really needed someone to talk to about everything. my therapist does know a lot about you... i hope you don't mind. i recently came out to a lot of my friends and loved ones, too... learned a lot about my sexuality through other queer south asian women and it was a very healing experience. which is funny because i remember you clocking a long time ago that my man-chasing shenanigans were just me displaying "fatherless behavior" and well, it was true. you clocked a long time ago that i was comp-het and a flaming lesbian in denial, too. i still laugh thinking about how i told you how much i loved women growing up and you just called me gay. i know you said you didn't wanna hear a lot about me, but i did wanna share this with you.

i’ll always remember you. i’ll remember how you said that you liked how i loved you like a puppy, how willing i was to do anything for us. you’re someone i’m always going to remember because you showed me how much love i am capable to have, to feel and to give.

to this, i want to tell you that there will always be a chair, decorated with stickers with matcha bubble tea sitting on it, waiting for you, at my table for you. there's always space in my heart and life for you if you ever decide you want to be there. i wouldn't have to make space because it would simply always be there. i see a future for us. i really do.

p.s.: i tell people you were my ex girlfriend. it’s much simpler that way. is that okay with you? almost one year no contact, can we finally admit we were in a two year long relationship? it’s okay if not. i always felt i would’ve been easier to love if i had been a boy.

i admit we were basically in a relationship with each other. i'll happily be your ex girlfriend. you wouldn't have been easier to love if you were a boy. not in the slightest. i'm sorry if i made you feel that way in a state of how underdeveloped i was back then. i love you for everything you are.

i think about that question, "if you were in a room full of people you loved, who would you go to first?"

undeniably, irrevocably... i would go to you.

i hope you had a fun birthday. i really hope i hear from you soon. if i don't, i hope my words touch you once again.

as always, i love you and i'm always here for you.

[skullearrings]

new year thoughts

it’s perhaps a bit early to get all emotional about the year ending but i’m gonna do it anyway

i can’t remember exactly the last time i ended a year going “thank fuck that’s over”. was it 2016? 2020? the ends of both those years, despite the huge challenges that preceded them, had upswings. i felt like i was starting a new phase in my life each of those times. if i feel that way this year, it’s because i’ve had to claw my way out and desperately grasp onto whatever hope i could find. if that sounds unbearable i don’t mean for it to - it’s a plus to me that i’m able to find hope at all after the hell my mind put me through.

genuinely, things are looking up. i’m setting boundaries where i need to, i’m stepping out of my comfort zone and growing as a result, i’m feeling a creative spark come back (even if it hasn’t found its way to making new music yet). i know that people care about me and are willing to help me when i need it. i don’t miss twitter at all - well, maybe in the way you miss hanging out with someone who was super bad for you but sometimes made you laugh, then you remember how much happier you are without them and go “there are other, better things that make me laugh”. if i post there again it’s either going to be stuff from here (the tumblr format is much more comfortable for me) or announcements of new music, should that come.

this has been mentioned in passing on said twitter page but i had the upsetting and surreal experience a couple months ago of attending a concert from my newest favorite band which ended with the lead singer having an almost-fatal medical emergency. sorry to be so vague i’d just never forgive myself if the band searched their name and found me on here going off about how they traumatized me. i don’t like using that word but i’ve had lasting effects from being there that night that i’m still working on overcoming. if there’s any upside, it’s that one of those effects has been “fuck it, if my heart could stop at any time then why shouldn’t i do all the stupid shit that i never thought i was brave enough to do. why shouldn’t i ditch all the things that make me feel awful. why shouldn’t i be fully myself.” i guess that’s the 2023 motto: fuck it. we’re all recovering from something so fuck it be kind to yourself and do stupid shit.

i’ll see you again. take care

[whitehotharlots]

The point is control

Whenever we think or talk about censorship, we usually conceptualize it as certain types of speech being somehow disallowed: maybe (rarely) it's made formally illegal by the government, maybe it's banned in certain venues, maybe the FCC will fine you if you broadcast it, maybe your boss will fire you if she learns of it, maybe your friends will stop talking to you if they see what you've written, etc. etc. 

This understanding engenders a lot of mostly worthless discussion precisely because it's so broad. Pedants--usually arguing in favor of banning a certain work or idea--will often argue that speech protections only apply to direct, government bans. These bans, when they exist, are fairly narrow and apply only to those rare speech acts in which other people are put in danger by speech (yelling the N-word in a crowded theater, for example). This pedantry isn't correct even within its own terms, however, because plenty of people get in trouble for making threats. The FBI has an entire entrapment program dedicated to getting mentally ill muslims and rednecks to post stuff like "Death 2 the Super bowl!!" on twitter, arresting them, and the doing a press conference about how they heroically saved the world from terrorism. 

Another, more recent pedant's trend is claiming that, actually, you do have freedom of speech; you just don't have freedom from the consequences of speech. This logic is eerily dictatorial and ignores the entire purpose of speech protections. Like, even in the history's most repressive regimes, people still technically had freedom of speech but not from consequences. Those leftist kids who the nazis beheaded for speaking out against the war were, by this logic, merely being held accountable. 

The two conceptualizations of censorship I described above are, 99% of the time, deployed by people who are arguing in favor of a certain act of censorship but trying to exempt themselves from the moral implications of doing so. Censorship is rad when they get to do it, but they realize such a solipsism seems kinda icky so they need to explain how, actually, they're not censoring anybody, what they're doing is an act of righteous silencing that's a totally different matter. Maybe they associate censorship with groups they don't like, such as nazis or religious zealots. Maybe they have a vague dedication toward Enlightenment principles and don't want to be regarded as incurious dullards. Most typically, they're just afraid of the axe slicing both ways, and they want to make sure that the precedent they're establishing for others will not be applied to themselves.

Anyone who engages with this honestly for more than a few minutes will realize that censorship is much more complicated, especially in regards to its informal and social dimensions. We can all agree that society simply would not function if everyone said whatever they wanted, whenever they wanted. You might think your boss is a moron or your wife's dress doesn't look flattering, but you realize that such tidbits are probably best kept to yourself. 

Again, this is a two-way proposition that everyone is seeking to balance. Do you really want people to verbalize every time they dislike or disagree with you? I sure as hell don't. And so, as part of a social compact, we learn to self-censor. Sometimes this is to the detriment of ourselves and our communities. Most often, however, it's just a price we have to pay in order to keep things from collapsing. 

But as systems, large and small, grow increasingly more insane and untenable, so do the comportment standards of speech. The disconnect between America's reality and the image Americans have of themselves has never been more plainly obvious, and so striving for situational equanimity is no longer good enough. We can't just pretend cops aren't racist and the economy isn't run by venal retards or that the government places any value on the life of its citizens. There's too much evidence that contradicts all that, and the evidence is too omnipresent. There's too many damn internet videos, and only so many of them can be cast as Russian disinformation. So, sadly, we must abandon our old ways of communicating and embrace instead systems that are even more unstable, repressive, and insane than the ones that were previously in place.

Until very, very recently, nuance and big-picture, balanced thinking were considered signs of seriousness, if not intelligence. Such considerations were always exploited by shitheads to obfuscate things that otherwise would have seemed much less ambiguous, yes, but this fact alone does not mitigate the potential value of such an approach to understanding the world--especially since the stuff that's been offered up to replace it is, by every worthwhile metric, even worse.

So let's not pretend I'm Malcolm Gladwell or some similarly slimy asshole seeking to "both sides" a clearcut moral issue. Let's pretend I am me. Flash back to about a year ago, when there was real, widespread, and sustained support for police reform. Remember that? Seems like forever ago, man, but it was just last year... anyhow, now, remember what happened? Direct, issues-focused attempts to reform policing were knocked down. Blotted out. Instead, we were told two things: 1) we had to repeat the slogan ABOLISH THE POLICE, and 2) we had to say it was actually very good and beautiful and nonviolent and valid when rioters burned down poor neighborhoods.

Now, in a relatively healthy discourse, it might have been possible for someone to say something like "while I agree that American policing is heavily violent and racist and requires substantial reforms, I worry that taking such an absolutist point of demanding abolition and cheering on the destruction of city blocks will be a political non-starter." This statement would have been, in retrospect, 100000000% correct. But could you have said it, in any worthwhile manner? If you had said something along those lines, what would the fallout had been? Would you have lost friends? Your job? Would you have suffered something more minor, like getting yelled at, told your opinion did not matter? Would your acquaintances still now--a year later, after their political project has failed beyond all dispute--would they still defame you in "whisper networks," never quite articulating your verbal sins but nonetheless informing others that you are a dangerous and bad person because one time you tried to tell them how utterly fucking self-destructive they were being? It is undeniably clear that last year's most-elevated voices were demanding not reform but catharsis. I hope they really had fun watching those immigrant-owned bodegas burn down, because that’s it, that will forever be remembered as the most palpable and consequential aspect of their shitty, selfish movement. We ain't reforming shit. Instead, we gave everyone who's already in power a blank check to fortify that power to a degree you and I cannot fully fathom.

But, oh, these people knew what they were doing. They were good little boys and girls. They have been rewarded with near-total control of the national discourse, and they are all either too guilt-ridden or too stupid to realize how badly they played into the hands of the structures they were supposedly trying to upend.

And so left-liberalism is now controlled by people whose worldview is equal parts superficial and incoherent. This was the only possible outcome that would have let the system continue to sustain itself in light of such immense evidence of its unsustainability without resulting in reform, so that's what has happened.

But... okay, let's take a step back. Let's focus on what I wanted to talk about when I started this.

I came across a post today from a young man who claimed that his high school English department head had been removed from his position and had his tenure revoked for refusing to remove three books from classrooms. This was, of course, fallout from the ongoing debate about Critical Race Theory. Two of those books were Marjane Satropi's Persepolis and, oh boy, The Diary of Anne Frank. Fuck. Jesus christ, fuck.

Now, here's the thing... When Persepolis was named, I assumed the bannors were anti-CRT. The graphic novel does not deal with racism all that much, at least not as its discussed contemporarily, but it centers an Iranian girl protagonist and maybe that upset Republican types. But Anne Frank? I'm sorry, but the most likely censors there are liberal identiarians who believe that teaching her diary amounts to centering the suffering of a white woman instead of talking about the One Real Racism, which must always be understood in an American context. The super woke cult group Black Hammer made waves recently with their #FuckAnneFrank campaign... you'd be hard pressed to find anyone associated with the GOP taking a firm stance against the diary since, oh, about 1975 or so.

So which side was it? That doesn't matter. What matters is, I cannot find out.

Now, pro-CRT people always accuse anti-CRT people of not knowing what CRT is, and then after making such accusations they always define CRT in a way that absolutely is not what CRT is. Pro-CRTers default to "they don't want  students to read about slavery or racism." This is absolutely not true, and absolutely not what actual CRT concerns itself with. Slavery and racism have been mainstays of American history curriucla since before I was born. Even people who barely paid attention in school would admit this, if there were any more desire for honesty in our discourse. 

My high school history teacher was a southern "lost causer" who took the south's side in the Civil War but nonetheless provided us with the most descriptive and unapologetic understandings of slavery's brutalities I had heard up until that point. He also unambiguously referred to the nuclear attacks on Hiroshmia and Nagasaki as "genocidal." Why? Because most people's politics are idiosyncratic, and because you cannot genuinely infer a person to believe one thing based on their opinion of another, tangentially related thing. The totality of human understanding used to be something open-minded people prided themselves on being aware of, believe it or not...

This is the problem with CRT. This is is the motivation behind the majority of people who wish to ban it. It’s not because they are necessarily racist themselves. It’s because they recognize, correctly, that the now-ascendant frames for understanding social issues boils everything down to a superficial patina that denies not only the realities of the systems they seek to upend but the very humanity of the people who exist within them. There is no humanity without depth and nuance and complexities and contradictions. When you argue otherwise, people will get mad and fight back. 

And this is the most bitter irony of this idiotic debate: it was never about not wanting to teach the sinful or embarrassing parts of our history. That was a different debate, one that was settled and won long ago. It is instead an immense, embarrassing overreach on behalf of people who have bullied their way to complete dominance of their spheres of influence within media and academe assuming they could do the same to everyone else. Some of its purveyors may have convinced themselves that getting students to admit complicity in privilege will prevent police shootings, sure. But I know these people. I’ve spoken to them at length. I’ve read their work. The vast, vast majority of them aren’t that stupid. The point is to exert control. The point is to make sure they stay in charge and that nothing changes. The point is failure. 

[honeyed-beans]

hey I’ve never listened to TAZ, but lately I’ve gotten an insane urge to do so... is it ok if I start with this new one? Do I need the context of all others?

Is Travis a really bad DM???

Hi!

(I’m so sorry this answer came out very long because I went on a Graduation analysis so if it’s too much than scroll to the bottom!)

To start with the first q. You can absolutely start on Ethersea first if you want! The fun part about TAZ is that it’s a anthology series. And the McElroy don’t tend to spoil or make large connections to other campaigns. At most they might reference a character name as a joke, but they don’t tend to dwell on it. It’s only vague references at best. So I would always suggest picking up whichever season speaks the most to you aesthetics wise, and/or whichever one is currently running, cause tbh it’s always nice to see real-time reactions from fans if you want to be in fandom spaces. AHS rules essentially.

For example, I’ve really gotten into Taz this past year, but I have never finished TAZ Amnesty so it’s definitely dealers choice.

Taz Ethersea is kind of a unique scenario because they’re doing a new game system. So the first couple of episodes are just world building and explaining the new system. It gives you time to decide if you want to listen to it now or not, because despite the first ep coming out today, the real game doesn’t start for another 3 weeks or so. Dw you’re not missing much right now.

The brief, no spoilers, descriptions of each campaign:

- Balance = A comedic globetrotting adventure story, with modern elements on a fantasy world. Techno music, very tongue in cheek. It’s the longest one, so storywise it’s a bit of a slow burn as the McElroys find their style. But because of its length it gives more time for the characters to breathe and thus it’s sorta the iconic golden child of TAZ. Most people would rec this one but I know the commitment can be kinda big if your not feeling it. So if another season takes your fancy more than go for that one instead.

- Amnesty = small-town americana, cryptids, sorta scooby doo / monster of the week vibe. Very eerie southern music.

- Commitment (superheroes) / Dust (what if Halloween town had cowboys in it) = these I wouldn’t suggest for a first time listen because they were experimental short stories. With 4 episodes each. None are DMed by Griffin. But very fun in their own right.

- Graduation = Comedic, intrigue, fantasy, takes place in one location (a university), plays on the themes of growing up. Very soft, lighthearted, calming soundtrack with a lot of slow notes. This one is Travis as the DM.

- Ethersea = we don’t know anything about it yet. Post-apocalypse underwater season. Very dreamy water inspired music?

Ok so q2: Is Graduation Bad and is Travis a Bad DM?

Short answer? This campaign was polarising. There are some real critiques to be made on Travis’s style. But I think some aspects of critique have been blown out of proportion. In essence he wasn’t fully prepared to helm a show with a really demanding fan base that had high expectations. But I think Grad was good actually!

Longer answer:

Some people bring up stuff about his disabilities or how he acted outside of the show. I’m just viewing it from a objective stance of someone who listened to the episodes as they came out.

Trav has a tendency to have a lot of ideas he wants to show off and unfortunately tended to jump around a lot. So plot points that I personally may have wanted more time to explore got introduced and dropped a lot. Made worst by the fact that it’s a short season. If there’s not a lot of time to explore everything than weaker pacing becomes more evident. Moreover he wasn’t Griffin, and some people think Griffin can do no wrong and there is certainly favouritism for some fans.

BUT I loved it!! Definitely my favourite! It had a really engaging setting I was all over. And it had the strongest main cast out of all of them. Each main character had a good plot, with good progression, and most importantly they spent time developing a bind with eachother. Something that some of the campaigns don’t spend much time doing. They were a trio for a reason, not because events forced them to be. And it sucks that people are dismissing Grad so much because of it!

People got so upset it wasn’t living up to their expectations of Balance that they got hostile which made Grad likers hostile in return. On Twitter every post from the official page had comments begging them to end Grad immediately because it was shit and we deserved better?? So they tried to end it quickly to please these yelling fans and that only made a ending with more plot holes, and thus more complaining. There was a episode where Trav made a joke that a character handed them a chalice full of liquidised drugs at a party, and than the main cast decided to drink it. And the tag was just filled with people saying that Travis was encouraging drug taking to kids?????

At the end of the day Grad was still a fun comedy dnd podcast with lovable characters 🥰 I would suggest listening to it if it’s your cup of tea. As long as your aware that Trav is clumsier with pacing than Griff than you’re in for a pretty wild and very very ‘fun with little consequence’ campaign! Ironically most of these problems would be fixed if Graduation had more episodes lmao.

Tldr: Pick whichever one you like! TAZ is a anthology that doesn’t run into eachother so follow your heart! Technically Ethersea hasn’t started yet. I love Graduation a lot but Travis struggles to keep all his balls in the air so if that will annoy you a lot than I would understand leaving it for now. But I don’t think it’s as bad as some people make it out to be.

This was probably a lot of info to drop on you but if you want to clarify anything, or just chat don’t hesitate to send me a dm! TAZ is super fun and a nice way to occupy your time while your doing other tasks. I hope you enjoy it! ❤️

[omegawolverine]

I know you posted it days ago but you said something about wanting to rant about either karl or his fanbase and its been itching at my brain. Ive no clue whats happening or what is happening at all cause no one seems to be making clear points?? Or explaining anything?

Obviously you do NOT have to talk about it im sure it might be a sore point to rant because people can get SO needlessly rude to others over it. But if you want to idk explain? Just rant? Im definetly curious what it was over or about.

The "you dont need to talk about this" is amplified by the fact i am DAYS late and you are probably over it by now.

okay hi yes im happy to talk about this but i think i should preface with two things:

1) even tho it may seem like im biased towards him or being very defensive of him im actually a super casual karl viewer and the only reason i am super defensive of him sometimes is bc we act a lot alike irl and that is mainly because of our neurodivegency. when i say a lot i mean we share traits like "annoying" stimming (jumping around, making loud noises, repeating the same phrases until everyone is sick of hearing them), the difficulty reading situations, the very obvious issues with volume control and not just bouncing from subject to subject to subject as we fucking please. basically anything you've seen karl do on stream that is Very Neurodivergent ive done the same in my own way which is why i get defensive when i see people calling him annoying or saying they dont like him, usually for these types of reasons. that being said, when i say im a very casual karl viewer, i fucking mean it. i usually only watch him when he's streaming with other ccs i like or when he's doing chill alt streams bc even with the annoying donos, he's pretty relaxing and comforting when he's just fucking around by himself and he isnt trying to get as hype as he would on a main channel stream. so yeah, it may seem like im biased and sure, i guess i am on some level, but it's not coming from a place of me hyperfixating on him or me even loving him as a cc, it's coming from me being a neurodivergent who likes him just enough to get upset when i see people basically being casually ableist towards him.

2) i dont have all the facts or even a great understanding on what the fuck has been happening recently with his "drama"...mostly bc he talked about it on his priv, which im not on, and people are gatekeeping the tweets, as they always do, and basically making you "dm to see them" (which is already a problem in and of itself bc apparently in these tweets he said he didnt want them being ss and shared, yet they are being shared thru dms over and over and over again like. at that point just stop withholding the information and post the fucking shit, you clearly dont care that he said "dont share"). additionally, most of the threads ive seen on this situation havent actually explained the initial issue, just talked about his apology (a lot of people have said "it's bad" but havent said why and with no screenshots ((i havent asked for someone to dm me them and i still havent seen them posted, which is mildly surprising, but incredibly frustrating at this point)), i only have a few basic details i can actually assess it on) or they talked about the initial issue in very vague details so um. excuse me trying to explain this now, but ill try and make it make sense with how little ive actually pieced together.

(oh, also, here's my first rant about the ableism in this fandom which is way more broad. this is a pretty different rant from that one, but they're both pretty big reasons why i hate this fandoms treatment of karl)

so basically the problems started with mr beast being apart of a charity stream that donated either to autism speaks or to a similar company, im unsure on that part. im also unsure on if the people participating in the stream actually knew of this or not bc, from what i remember, the money was being donated to a separate organization that was like. under the bad company or some shit like that, idk how stuff like that works and also i read about this shit months ago bc this originally happened months ago and just sorta came to a head recently.

anyways, i think karl was supposed to be apart of this stream but pulled out of it right before (that or these were two separate streams and karl was supposed to participate in the first but pulled out while mr beast did both?? idk. regardless karl did not actually participate, just mr beast). from there people started doing the guilt from association bullshit they always do, this was also doubled by the fact that the chris being racist stuff came out sometime around then and basically he got dragged all over twitter for "being ableist" and "supporting racists" and i cant remember if he actually apologized when this originally happened or not. i vaguely remember him apologizing about something back then but i genuinely dont know if it was this or something else.

basically that died down eventually, a good chunk of people unstanned him but him and honktwt didnt end up getting the lovely lil technotwt treatment and they still havent yet, surprisingly. good for them honestly ajsksk

but now we get to the past few weeks and apparently something happened with him "laughing at someone saying the r slur" (it was mizkif, i believe), specifically when it was directed at other people, which is a big yikes, obviously, but when karl was called out for this a lot of people kind of. made this into a situation that it wasnt bc um. basically karl didnt laugh at it, he gave a few nervous giggles, as people often do when in a situation like that (and karl specifically said he does this in the one part of his apology tweet which i did stumble upon, although it wasnt the important part of the apology thread bc why would it be) and people fucking crucified him for it. they quite literally dragged a neurodivergent man for supposedly "laughing at the r slur" when he can literally reclaim it and also he was just nervous laughing.

and this is where the situation just gets really bad because they. basically forced him to admit that he was autistic on his priv to apologize for this. i havent seen the screenshots of him saying this, but i saw people discussing it and i am frankly so fucking pissed about this because sure, it was a bad situation, and i understand people wanting an explanation, but an apology? for a neurodivergent man nervous laughing at a slur he can reclaim? and then forcing the man to admit something he literally said in that tweet he didnt want people to know which is why people were being so gatekeepy about it while also LOUDLY discussing the situation, as if that wouldnt drive MORE PEOPLE to look for screenshots and ways to get ahold of this information? and then people had the audacity to call it a "bad apology" when they had quite literally just violated his privacy by forcing him to admit something that he shouldnt have needed to share in the first place if he didnt want to, which he didnt.

and this is why im so pissed off. karl is already constantly picked at and made fun of and called annoying for his neurodivergent traits, things which he literally cant help, things which are generally harmless, and now he was forced into a situation where he can now be further picked at and made fun of and called annoying bc they forced him to admit something private instead of just understanding and accepting that he had been nervous laughing at someone using a slur he has definetly been called for his neurodivergency.

tldr of my thoughts: yes i think karl needed to address this situation, it definetly looked bad, but twitter stans have this sense of entitlement with their ccs and because of that, they consistently take it way too far and harm the people they claim to care about so dearly. we've seen it happen time and time again with dream, but this is the first time ive seen them basically force someone to out themselves to make their apology "valid" and most of them still seem to not want to accept it anyways, which just makes me feel bad for him bc now that info is out their and people are just disregarding it to continue "holding him accountable".

anyways, i think that's all i can really say on this topic rn tbh, if anyone else knows this situation better please feel free to lmk clarifications and ill add them in since, like i said, i know fuck all thanks to twitter being so goddamn hush hush about the important details while simultaneously being the loudest mfers about how much they hate karl now instead of just fucking unfollowing and moving on.

thanks for the ask and im sorry if this is confusing!! i just think this is one of those weird situations where like. i think karl deserved some criticism for what happened and how he handled it or at least he shouldve been asked to address it but that just. isnt what happened, at all. he was harrassed. karl got harrassed and because of that he handled this situation even more sloppily than he probably wouldve and exposed private info about himself that he didnt feel comfortable doing and it just. fucking sucks tbh.

[keigosbirdie]

Birdie’s FAQ

General Questions

Q. Do you have a Patreon?

A. Firstly, thanks to everyone who has asked me this. It means a lot that you guys wanna support me! However, I don’t feel comfortable monetizing my fanworks. I don’t have a Patreon and I don't plan on it, sorry! ;u;

Q. Do you take requests or commission?

A. Nope! I may open some art requests or commissions maybe if I ever get in a really hard spot, but I don’t accept money for writing. Sorry! ;u;

Q. You didn't answer my ask/pm!

A. Frankly, I'm shy ;u; im far more likely to answer an ask than I am a PM, just cause im scarrrreeed. If I don't answer an ask, it's either already been answered here, it was mean spirited or forceful, or i just havent looked at my asks in a while hhaha. Please keep in mind I'm exceptionally introverted and don't usually talk much oof im sorry :(

Art FAQ

Q. What do you use to draw and animate?

A. I draw and animate with paint tool SAI v.1! The program isn’t meant for animation. I just draw all the frames in paint tool sai and then run them through a gif compiler to make them move. 

Q. Can I use your art for headers, icons and emotes?

A. As long as you credit me in some way, you can definitely use my animations and art as icons, header for your blog, and discord emoji. 

Q. Can I repost your art on other sites?

A. Sure, as long as it isn’t tumblr or twitter, since I’m active in those places already and reposted art will be reported. However, if you want to post it on your Instagram, Pinterest, or what have you, feel free as long as my signature is visible and I’m linked somewhere !

Fanfiction FAQ

Q. Can I use your fics for my fanfiction readings? (ex. Youtube)

A. Ask me! Most fics I probably won’t mind as long as I am credited and a link to the fic is posted in the description. However, there may be a select few I would rather not, so drop me a line and we can talk about it!

Q. Do you write for any other fandoms/characters?

A. Nope! I’m only interested in Hawks from BNHA, so that’s all I write! Hah. Eventually one day I may become interested enough in another character to write something for them, but also probably not ;u; 

Q. Do you write “dark” content, like Yandere or non!con?

A. Generally speaking, no. If I ever got a really good idea I can’t shake down the road, the “Yandere” dynamic may be a lightly used possibility. To the point it probably wouldn’t even be yandere tbh tho hah. Non!con will never appear in my fics, though. Anything generally abhorrent you can be sure I won’t write about. HOWEVER, I do occasionally reblog fics others may find triggering. Always read the warnings authors leave before taking peeks!

Q. I don't like that you often describe things about the reader in your fics. Such as cheeks going red, pink nipples, or their gender.

A. All of my fanfictions are written about myself with me in mind. I try to stray away from outright describing reader by physical traits, since i want everyone to feel included! But at the end of the day I am one person with a world view limited to my own experiances. There will be times its obvious I have fair skin/certain type of hair/particular body features in my writing. I try to be as vague as possible, but please keep in mind the author here is a fair skinned cis female, and I write as a form of escapism with myself in mind first.

Q. You haven’t posted anything in a while! Are you still writing?

A. Yes! I like to take my sweet sweet time with my fanfictions, and im never rushing or in a hurry to update. Sometimes I work on a piece and decide to keep it for myself and not share at all, if its too personal or special to me. I love writing a lot, and if i havent updated in a while be sure to know I havent stopped. Im just enjoying the process of creating without worrying about any deadlines, and that can take weeks to a few months.

Q. There was something in one of your fics I think there should have been a warning for!

A. Tell me !! I try to add warnings for anything that I can think could be upsetting to readers, but if you have a suggestion for me to add more warnings in the future, feel free to send me a message. I would appreciate it ;u;

Q. Do you have a tag list for your fanfics?

A. Sorry, I no longer use a taglist! I do post all my fics on my AO3, Keigosbirdie, however. You can get emails when I update by following me there :)

I may add to this later if I get repeats of other questions! Thanks for reading ;u;

[beardofkamenev]

When Adults Attack! (Teenagers)

(Sorry to everyone for dragging this up again, but some people are chronically incapable of letting drama die down.)

The last time I posted about this was 18 February. It’s now late-March. Despite repeatedly claiming to be “over it”, a self-proclaimed “respected history blogger” has been screaming into the void for over a month now. She seems to be under the unfortunate impression that she’s completely innocent of wrongdoing, all the criticism is unprovoked, she has been targeted by “white bigots”, and that she’s somehow the real victim here. So now I have to explain why that’s bullshit. Unlike her and her two friends, I don’t make extreme but vague accusations with zero evidence. I don’t make empty threats about “exposing” people.

The short story? She involved her own self in a situation that had nothing to do with her, downplayed her friends’ racism towards others, incited her followers to harass a teenager, repeatedly lied to her followers about the multiple POC who criticised her friends being “white”, and has continued to inflame the issue while trying to downplay her role in doing so. The long story? Well, I’ll let the receipts do the talking.

That’s Olivia’s first post at the start of February, days before I or anyone else had even said anything. “My anonymous Jewish friend said!” should have been a red flag to anyone capable of reading anything longer than 280 characters. I’ve already explained why Haley (lucreciadeleon/turtlemoons plus her 92849374 alt accounts) is full of shit and so have plenty of others (here, here, and here, to name a few).

Olivia claims that, as a Romani woman, she’s not obliged to engage with content that offends her. Fine. So why is a black teenager obliged to engage with Haley’s deranged anons? Why are her hate anons are so worthy of a response that not responding is an act of ANTISEMITISM that warrants Olivia telling everyone what an antisemite this teenager is for not responding? FYI, NO ONE is obligated to respond to anon hate, especially from people they’ve already blocked. And considering Haley admitted not once, not twice, but three times to breaking Tumblr’s TOS to circumvent a mutual block and send those anons (including how she did it), people are especially not obligated to engage with her.

I made my first posts exposing Taylor (lucreziaborgia/elizabethblount) and Haley’s lies and backtracking on 6 and 7 February. This was before I acknowledged Olivia’s role in inflaming the situation. In fact, I didn’t even know about her tweets until 8 February. Yet, here she is on 6 FEBRUARY already bitching about my posts to her Twitter followers. She has some nerve acting like I victimised her, just because I posted the screenshots of her bitching about me. And bragging about ‘gaslighting’? The word that multiple people have separately described what her two friends subjected them to? Classy.

I can’t “stalk” her public Twitter any more than she can “stalk” my public blog. What an exceptionally stupid claim to make, considering her tweets kept getting recommended to my mutuals whether they liked it or not. Have some integrity and own the shit you say, rather than backtracking, deleting your posts, and pretending that you didn’t say the things we saw you say. If you want to talk shit about others in public, be ready to answer for it in public.

I also wonder how this started over Henry VII. I specifically wonder how this discussion between myself and May (richmond-rex) triggered Taylor’s totally unprovoked racist comments about how we and Nathen Amin “simp for a dead white man”, and we should “simp for someone who actually advocated for the rights of others” instead. The implication being that Tudor history is only for white people like Taylor, and that only her fave is worthy of discussion (“AnNe BoLeYn WaS oThErEd BeCaUsE sHe WaS tAn.” Good grief).

When multiple POC called bootleg Regina George out for it, not only did she say she couldn’t possibly be racist because Haley approved of her racism, but also tried to argue that Nathen Amin deserved it because it was inappropriate for a British man to joke about Brexit. She then claimed we called her “anti-Welsh” (another fucking lie) to make it seem like a bunch of cRaZy blacks and browns were attacking poor, innocent white her (with Olivia coming to the rescue, of course). And as if that wasn’t enough, Haley then sent these bad faith hate anons calling Nathen Amin’s tweet ANTISEMITIC, for no other reason than to retroactively justify Taylor’s racist comments (though I didn’t see Haley getting offended when she was hate-scrolling through his blog before Taylor was called out).

That was the “antisemitic shit” Haley “privately messaged about” that Olivia thinks deserves a response. In case it's not clear: defending racism makes you complicit in racism. Being Jewish is NOT a get-out-of-racism-free card, and Haley trying to use it as one is absolutely dishonest, especially when NO ONE even knew she was Jewish until she finally admitted in February she was the anonymous ‘Jewish friend’ who sent those batshit anons. Other Jewish people also called Haley out on it, yet Haley and Olivia have conveniently ignored that little fact since it contradicts their narrative.

You think it’s over? Nope. Taylor then slunk into May’s dm’s with a half-arsed apology, where she admitted that the only reason she made those racist comments about Nathen Amin was because we “attacked Gareth Russell first” (“BeCaUsE AnNe FaNs CiTe HiS wOrk”) and she “just wanted to educate us about not lionising Henry VII” (even though anyone with eyeballs can read our discussion see she’s full of shit). At the same time, she and Haley were messaging other history bloggers, telling them that everyone who called them out were antisemites (including an openly Jewish mutual of ours) in an attempt to alienate them from the community. And this was just in JANUARY.

“I can’t be racist! My Jewish friend agrees with my racism!” That steaming load of backtracking horseshit is unfortunately the kind of nonsense Olivia has chosen to defend. FOR WEEKS Taylor ignored May’s messages, explaining why she — a black woman — found Taylor’s comments offensive. Did Taylor listen? Nope. In fact, she only replied in February: after she already started posting about how ignoring Haley’s hate anons was “antisemitism”. How convenient. Taylor might be a fucking idiot but we’re not. She only replied to May because she was afraid we’d use her own words against her. Clearly she never learnt a damn thing because here she is on 6 February backtracking on her apology. “Actually, I did NOTHING wrong! Also, you’re all antisemites for saying I did because my Jewish friend agrees with me!” And what made Taylor feel as though she had permission to start deflecting her vile behaviour onto others in order to get the heat off her? Olivia’s post about ‘their Jewish friend’ Haley: the one that followed Olivia’s “private discussion” with “her two friends”. Taylor is a racist hypocrite who hides behind the few minority friends she has to justify her racism, and attacks every other minority who disagrees with her. It’s no coincidence that the majority of the history bloggers who have a problem with Taylor and Haley’s nasty behaviour happen to be POC.

Despite Olivia admitting that she knew nothing about that situation other than what those two told her, she still took it upon herself to misconstrue and downplay to all her followers the extent of her friends’ racism, lies, and general nastiness (here she is on 9 MARCH). For her, our problems with racism are little more than “stupid drama”, “Henry VII drama”, “Gareth Russell drama”, “overreacting to a joke”, and “petty disagreements over dead people” because her friends are the perpetrators. Yet she demands everyone sympathise with her never-ending dramas and projects her behaviour onto others, despite the fact that she’s shown absolutely no understanding for why so many people have problems with her friends and has consistently defended the perpetrators. She’s entitled to be upset at whatever she wants to be upset at, but she is not entitled to tell her followers that we can’t be upset about racism directed at us, especially when that situation NEVER EVEN INVOLVED HER.

I agree. It’s disturbing that three grown women in their mid to late 20s have a vendetta against an 18 year old. Olivia acknowledged that her posts were reckless and that she would have acted differently if she just sat down and thought for one fucking second. But rather than correct the record on the same platform she made those accusations, she doubled down and took off to Twitter, saying that her anger entitled her to act that way. All with zero acknowledgement of the fact that the teenager SHE falsely accused and repeatedly mocked for her age was still being harassed by HER followers as a direct result of HER posts.

She might love the ‘clout’ that comes with a large following, but she evidently doesn’t care about the responsibility that comes with it. In Taylor and Haley’s case, it’s little more than a means to intimidate others into silence. Olivia might be a “respected history blogger” or a “good historian”, but that definitely doesn’t make her a good person. Far from it, if her behaviour is anything to go by.

This was on 9 February, 3 days after my first post. Bitching about me was all fun and games until the receipts came out, huh?

There’s nothing “insane” about keeping receipts, especially when Taylor and Haley are notorious for lying out of their arses and fake-apologising to people in the dm’s, only to continue mocking them on Twitter afterwards. You know what is insane though? Searching ‘romani’ on our blogs in a pathetic attempt to dig up dirt that doesn’t even exist (yeah, stat trackers exist). Do you know what else is insane? Haley spamming people with passive aggressive anons and sending anon hate to people who’ve already blocked her. She also “stalked” our WOTR group chat, though she’ll never admit to it, despite accidentally posting the dated receipts proving it. Oops!

It’s no secret that Taylor and Haley are cowards (as all bullies are), so it was no surprise when they eventually involved Olivia in their month-old vendetta against a teenager. They wanted to school a black girl on racism and Congolese genocide apologism, so they needed to get a “respectable history blogger” on their side. And Olivia happily obliged, kicking up such a fuss on their behalf that the teenager just offered to end it (despite the fact that Olivia vagued her first). Yet still Olivia continued, publicly mocking her age and calling her an “antisemite” long after the discussion was over (here she is on 24 February still carrying on). Either a teenager is old enough to be publicly shamed for being an “antisemite” and “antiromani bigot”, or she’s too young to be taken seriously. But at 25, Olivia is certainly old enough to know better than to participate in this kind of vile, petty, wannabe Mean Girl behaviour.

Olivia is not black. Taylor is not black. Haley is not black. So for the record, if you are not black, it is not your place to tell BLACK PEOPLE whether they can take issue with apologism for BLACK GENOCIDE. Multiple black history bloggers have already explained why they had a problem with Gareth Russell’s comments about the Congolese genocide (including the teen in question), yet that was less important to Olivia than not being able to call him a sexist weirdo because he’s gay. Olivia cannot speak on all minority issues — especially black and brown issues — and it is arrogant of her to assume that she can, especially since her understanding of the Gareth Russell issue came purely from “what she discussed with her two friends” by her own admission.

What a take. Here’s the “anti-Romani” post that I supposedly made. Precisely ZERO of my posts were about Olivia and not once did I even name her directly. So her claims that I mounted some kind of “vicious attack” against her is, uh, bullshit. Criticising her and her friends for their nasty, dishonest, and irresponsible behaviour isn’t “anti-Romani” just because she’s Romani. It’s no more “anti-Romani” than her erratic attempts to “expose” me are anti-Asian just because I’m Asian. It’s not any more “anti-Romani” just because the UK government has passed anti-Romani laws, any more than her telling deranged lies about me for over a month is an anti-Asian hate crime simply because there’s been an increase in anti-Asian hate crimes. I’m not British. I’m not from the UK. I have no control over whatever dumb, racist crap her government does. So she can fuck off and continue fucking off if she wants to make me personally responsible for that. The backlash she received had nothing to do with her identity and everything to do with how she purposely incited harassment against a teenager, defended her friends’ racism, and spread demonstrable lies to her followers. The “viciousness” of the backlash she received is directly proportionate to the viciousness of her own baseless attacks against others. She can claim to be more mature than an 18 year old all she wants, but do you know what the actual mature thing to do would have been? To not promote her friends’ lies and nonsense, especially when the other people they tried to involve had the sense to stay out of it.

Olivia, Taylor and Haley are fully-grown adults, but take no responsibility for their actions. Yet, they expect teenagers to have total control over not only their own emotions, but also the emotions and actions of others. Olivia thinks that a teen should be personally responsible for the behaviour of fully-grown adults, yet she’s close friends with Taylor — a racist, xenophobic bully who screenshots Tumblr people’s posts to mock them on Twitter (here and here from December), called Poles who’ve lost relatives in the Holocaust “genocidal loving freaks”, accused an openly Ashkenazi Jewish blogger of “internalised antisemitism” just for criticising her (a white gentile), said that people who like Mary I “resent their own siblings”, co-opted our struggles under Spanish imperialism just so she could bully ‘Spaniards’ (despite her being American and therefore equally responsible for genocide, by her flawed logic), and said that the black teen who called out her racism “really deserved to be bullied” and “needed to be policed”. Olivia is also close friends with Haley, who has a history of attacking people over posts that have nothing to do with her, publicly admitted to circumventing blocks in order to send hate anons, and likened me — a Filipino immigrant — to DONALD TRUMP and a neo-Nazi conspiracy theorist just because I posted the receipts exposing her lies, harassment of others, and projection.

Most of the people who have spoken out against these three didn’t even know each other until last month. Some of ‘us’ have actually blocked each other. Yet all of us agree that their behaviour towards others has been absolutely unacceptable. How is it that so many unrelated people from different corners of the ‘fandom’ have exactly the same problems with exactly the same people? If Olivia want us to take personal responsibility for “our friends’” behaviour, then she should first take responsibility for hers.

This is on 26 February, over a week after I last posted. As anyone with eyeballs can see, I called her British once. Not “repeatedly”. ONCE. So she can fuck off again with that bullshit. And why did I point that out? Because Olivia, a British citizen, made pejorative comments about “white Eastern Europeans!!!” just because she thinks some Polish people committed the heinous crime of... screenshotting her tweets. They didn’t even do it, and even if they did, how is that even relevant? Everyone knows that one specific Polish person lives rent free in Taylor’s head, so clearly Olivia just took Taylor’s word for it that it must have been The Poles who were “stalking” her. Maybe don’t take paranoid liars at face value next time?

Shameless, ignorant, tone deaf nonsense. Olivia constantly demands that people treat her and her identity with the utmost respect, yet here she was on 9 February already disrespecting the identities of others just so she can score some petty ‘oppression points’ against them. Why even bring their nationalities up? And why call them “white Eastern Europeans” instead of Polish since she knows they’re Polish? Is it because acknowledging that they are Polish would mean acknowledging that she doesn’t actually have a monopoly on a claim to discrimination or Holocaust trauma? Could it be that dismissing them as just some “white Eastern Europeans” was just another way for her to add credence to her own “pathetic lies” about the situation? There’s a word for that behaviour, and it starts with pro- and ends with -jection.

Let me reiterate: it is IGNORANT of her to use their identity against them, especially when hate-crimes against Polish immigrants have increased in her home country, and especially when the specific people she insulted lost close relatives (including Jewish relatives) in the Holocaust. It’s not “repeatedly mocking her identity” to point out her hypocrisy. Her being Romani is not an excuse for casual xenophobia. She might be able to hide her identity in the UK (though she shouldn’t have to), but Polish immigrants do not have the privilege of passing as first-language white British. I cannot pass as non-Asian. The black girl she and her friends tried to bully off Tumblr cannot pass as non-black. Olivia weaponising people’s identity against them just because she thinks they saw her public tweets is ignorant, petty, and completely uncalled for. She should be absolutely ashamed for using that pathetic argument, but based on her most recent farrago of nonsense, she probably won’t be.

Here’s her on 7 MARCH. And of course Taylor was the first to like it lol. Olivia may have deluded herself into believing she was just an innocent bystander, but unfortunately, enough people saw her admitting to inserting herself into the situation at the behest of her two friends. With every post before and since, her accusations have gotten wilder and wilder, falser and falser, and more and more irrelevant because she knows full well that none of her followers will bother fact-checking her. That’s the beauty of vagueing people. It’s how Taylor and Haley have been able to get away with pulling the wool over peoples’ eyes for so long. Too bad repetition, projection, and self-righteous outrage doesn’t equate to the truth because those are all those three have.

“SOMEONE NEEDS TO EXPOSE THE WHOLE DAMN LOT OF THEM! BUT IT WON’T BE ME!” 

No one has said anything since 18 February, yet here’s Olivia publicly inciting her followers again. She’s “done talking about it”, yet she’s the only one continuing the drama. She is being ‘persecuted’, yet she mobilises her followers to go after others. She needs to be defended against critics, yet she also can’t resist bragging about big her Tumblr following is, how “piddly” our notes are compared to hers, how she got over 30 followers to report my posts (they’re still up lol), and how many people she can get to dig through our blogs to find anything to “expose” us. Olivia, I’m sorry that you require constant validation from strangers on the internet, but not everyone has the same priorities as you. Some of us just come here to have fun, but having shitstarters in the community is decidedly un-fun.

All my posts were directed at Taylor and Haley, but since Olivia insists on making this revolve around her, let me clarify: she is a hypocrite and a professional victim. Words have meaning, and those words are the most accurate words to describe her behaviour. It has fuck all to do with her identity. She and Haley are professional victims because they act as if their minority statuses exempt them from basic rules of online courtesy and entitle them to run their mouths about others with no consequence. And Olivia is a hypocrite because she demands the respect and understanding that she has repeatedly refused to show to others. She made ignorant, xenophobic comments against Polish people because she falsely assumed they screenshot her public posts bitching about others. She pretends that the many POC who have spoken out against her are just some “white” hive-mind because admitting that we’re not white will discredit the victimhood narrative she’s been peddling to her followers. And she arrogantly presumes to be ‘our’ voice in the community, all while mobilising her following to intimidate and silence the minorities who take issue with her and her friends’ vile behaviour.

It’s extremely telling that in every one of her unlettered rants, Olivia made the conscious choice to conflate us with “white gentiles”, “white antisemites”, and “white Eastern Europeans”. Why? Because in order to “name and shame” us, she’d have to admit to her followers that the majority of the people criticising her aren’t actually “white”, but are in fact black, brown, and Jewish. Having repeatedly demanded that her followers defend her, her reputation and credibility now depends upon people continuing to see her as the oppressed victim of “bigoted whites”. Unfortunately for her and her friends, the truth will always come out. That’s what receipts are for, no matter what they claim.

The history community didn’t side with “a white gentile woman”. We sided with a black teenager who Olivia and her friends repeatedly mocked for her age, publicly and privately spread false accusations against, and incited their followers to harass with their never-ending posts. We sided against white racists like Taylor, and her white-passing enablers like Olivia and Haley. Since being called out for racism by a black girl discredited them, they had to discredit her. And unlike the others Taylor and Haley tried to involve, Olivia was their willing accomplice. If she has now been “alienated by half the history fandom”, it is because of her own behaviour and rightly so.

The ideal course of action would be for Olivia to finally take some responsibility for her actions, publicly apologise for her role in inflaming this drama, and move on like the rest of us have tried to do. But unfortunately, she may be too far gone in her own pathological need for online validation to ever admit wrongdoing without some serious introspection. So perhaps, Olivia, if anything else, you should just take your own advice and, once and for all, SHUT THE FUCK UP.

[bookofmirth]

Sorry so I’m kind of new fandom life (well ACOTAR) none of my other fandoms posted screenshots of people but in a little bit confused on why it was okay for bookprofessor to post SSs and other people to post SSs from Twitter on Tumblr in some cases but this time it wasn’t? I don’t mean hate or anything I actually follow both you and the blog you were referring to because I love your theories and discussions I’m just confused I guess.

Hello! I think that this is a good question, actually, and I'm glad that you asked it!

So personally, I don't reblog anything that has screenshots. I've definitely seen posts I agree with, including the original one that @bookprofessor did, but I don't reblog them because I, and others, find it rude. I have been vagued and screenshot before - vagueblogging is normal, I hate it but people have been doing it to me for years - and honestly? It feels like shit. I get upset when people do that to me, because it's like people are talking about you in the same room but pretending they aren't. So I don't do that to other people.

However, there is a big difference in how those ss are being used. Taking a ss of someone's words and saying "omg this part of the fandom is so delusional, they have mental health problems, they are so stupid, I wish they would shut up, etc." is not okay. It's so completely juvenile.

And just an FYI, the post in question has been screenshotted to put on Twitter and people are doing exactly that right now. It's disgusting and disappointing. So even if the person who took the ss on tumblr didn't go to that extreme, they have contributed to that culture.

On the other hand, when there is a post that is calling out real world problems, or toxic fandom behavior, that is different. The intent there is not to bully anyone but to say "hey y'all, this is not okay."

I am still personally uncomfortable with it, no matter what purpose there is. And that's why I never do that or reblog that content. Personally, I am uncomfortable with ss no matter the reason because I can see that being a gateway to OP being harassed or mocked or bullied etc. and so why would I want to put a target on them? Even if I block out the user, people aren't dumb. They will find the original post and the user. And no matter what people have done, I don't think that they deserve retaliation.

@spell-cleavers post was open to comments and reblogs, she is never rude to people, she is always thoughtful and engages with tons of people I've had blocked for ages. There is zero reason for anyone to feel like they couldn't engage with her directly. "She won't change her mind" isn't a reason. Then why bother? Make your own post talking about whatever the issue is, and call it a day. There's no reason to take a ss and make her feel like crap.

I recognize that people all have different thresholds for what kind of behavior they find acceptable. There are a lot of grey areas with all of this being public. However, my guiding principle is "don't make people feel like shit". It works for me.

[jynzandtonic]

I completely and totally do not mean this to be like a “call out” ask or anything argumentative at all I truly think you’re one of the most kind and compassionate bloggers in the adcu and I know people are going to say that it’s all just jokes/being silly/not that serious, but I feel a bit like the jokes/joking outrage at the new character pics have been a bit much and leaning towards the fatphobic/ oversexualizing Adam side of things. I truly do know that most people are just joking around but as a fat person, I basically took “we wanted hot!professor Adam not this” to mean “this” is ugly and gross. And one of my closest friends in the world has early male balding and quite literally almost has the same hairline as Adam’s character at the age of 27 and it’s his deepest insecurity and he genuinely feels like no woman could possibly find him attractive the more he loses hair, and being on Twitter and Reddit and seeing people’s reactions and mocking of those pics really just reaffirmed that for him. I know people are going to maybe roll their eyes at this and say it’s all just jokes and not that deep but there are a few of us that the comments kind of just put a pit in our stomachs. I guess I just wanted people to maybe take a step back and think about the implications of their words a little more and what’s kind of implied (whether intentional or not) when you say you wanted a “hot” character to lust over and this ain’t it. I know the actual costuming isn’t that great and some have said that’s what their reactions were really about, but I didn’t see many “wow it looks so fake that’s what I’m actually laughing at” posts. There were also a few comments I saw and interactions with your posts and some others saying like “oh no well it makes sense that they made him fat and ugly because the character is a horrible guy” also basically implying that being fat and not meeting our standard beauty expectations for men (and women) = you’re a bad gross person. Sorry for my essay here and being maybe a pain in the ass for bringing this up as I know the comments sort of died down now, but it’s still sitting with Jacob (my guy friend) and I and I’m still feeling very shit about my body (not solely bc of the jokes but they just reaffirmed the negative “you’re gross and undesirable” thoughts I already have) so I felt it was maybe worth mentioning. xxx💕

First and foremost, I want to say thank you for reaching out and sharing your thoughts. Don’t apologize at all! <3 Also, please know you can always always always give me constructive criticism when it comes to stuff like this—I want to do my best to learn and grow.

Your feelings are completely valid and your points are ABSOLUTELY worth bringing up.

To address the photos: with the first round of pics that came out, I personally found the costume to be tacky/over-the-top 80s and the wig to look really unrealistic—the more recent rounds of pictures have changed my mind a bit. My qualms were with the costuming, but I didn’t do a good job of making that clear.

It’s 100% on me for HC’ing him a different way than his look in the film—I think my expectations were in part built around the ‘Charlie Barber with glasses’ look à la Noah and in part how I imagined him in the book, so I was surprised to see something so radically different. I deeply apologize for the ways fatphobia and body-shaming manifested in the way I talked about it. 

I’m neither on twitter nor reddit, but I know those virtual landscapes can get truly vitriolic, and I’m so sorry for the icky feelings the posts you saw brought up, too.

Fatphobia is some toxic and pervasive shit, and it truly does carry serious negative implications for how we judge people’s character. 

White Noise is one of my favorite books (I’m a post-modernist nerd and DeLillo just nails it for me), and from my reads of the text, I don’t believe Jack’s character is a “horrible guy,” (though I know some disagree) but rather a flawed and insecure man desperate to cling to a sense of prestige and identity in order to give his life meaning. However, I absolutely agree that some have jumped to the rhetoric that there’s a correlational or even causational relationship between being fat/‘conventionally unattractive’ and being a “bad person,” and I, too, find it very upsetting. What you’re saying really rings true. 

As for the conversation about sexualization, I think AD is a phenomenal actor and I’ll yell it from the rooftops. I watch his films ad nauseam and will rave about his range and passion to anyone who will listen. That said, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with expressing sexual desire for his characters, and I sometimes think discussion can wander into vaguely condescending misogyny and slut-shaming when people talk about the ways women and femmefolk should or should not experience desire or consume his content. I think it’s more than possible to appreciate him as an actor and indulge in the thirst at the same time.

Again, I can’t tell you how grateful I am to you for sharing your perspective, sweet anon. I’m sending all my love to you and your friend xoxoxo.

[zirkkun]

Yo you have every right to be upset about things! You're still a person with your own feelings and deserve to be treated kindly. No one should come at you for making things you enjoy or for misunderstandings. I hope things get better for you even if I wasn't here for when all the drama happened (or maybe I was and just wasn't aware of it? I tend to avoid drama as much as possible tbh)

I didn't really post about it much. I think I answered about 4 asks about it (three of them in the same post because i was sure it was the same anon due to the similar string of seemingly continued messages) and the rest I just deleted as soon as they came in, but I got... A lot. A lot of mean things said too. Kinda hurts when you wanted to make something because you knew this work was highly criticized and wanted to let people give it a second chance only to be shot down by the people you were hoping to defend lol

In short, and a lot of it I missed because I was blocked by a lot of people so my friend sent me screencaps; someone took I believe only the old ask box post I had for ULR, which at the time was called "Underlust Rewrite," and was disgusted at the fact that everything was revamped and "made for kids" (because it's not 18+ explicit content, but as I've said before, it's just cause I'm too scared to be horny on main, and I've literally made a whole different biological system for ULR so I can write the necessary story ""sex scenes"" without it being human-like sex or otherwise uncomfortable or too explicit for me to draw, but I still consider it a mature story overall), so they blocked me instantly here and on twitter and then made a callout post on twitter itself. People were telling me originally to stop calling the AU Underlust, and I didn't really get it at first, because like, what's the difference between my spinoff and, say, Underlust Gold, Swapfell Indigo, TS!Underswap, you know, names that have add-ons from the original title to differentiate it but still connect it to the source. So that's what I said, as well as if I removed the Underlust name, it would be considered stealing to me, because I'd be disconnecting it from the source. But apparently, instead, what had been the concern was that it was just being called "Underlust" and the "Rewrite" aspect was implying I was replacing the original story, which like, had never been my intention and I've made a bunch of things with both the ULR and UL cast together and love the idea of Lust and Ace meeting up and just being a disaster duo of not working together at all. I just adore Underlust like it's in my pinned FAQ, Lust's been in my banner for months now, and he's practically my staple pfp character on every account but here atm.

It took like 3 days for it to actually click what was going on, because once I finally got the chance to have a conversation with someone where they weren't telling me I was the scum of the Earth -- which, honestly, bless the three people I talked to, they were so sweet (which actually included someone from the Japanese side of the fandom whose art I loved too... yeah it got pretty far. Once I sent them a message though it was cleared up quickly and they did post a clarification post about ULR and me, so that was nice to see.) -- I finally got the chance to realize that this was a misunderstanding from the beginning, from both sides, where people coming at me were saying I was doing all of the stuff above and probably more but those stuck the most, while I was confused as to where this information and accusations were coming from and what they were referring to in the first place. They probably never explained it in the anon asks because, well, they probably assumed I knew what I was doing, but when they came at me about something I didn't do with vague context of something I did do, I was very confused, and got really defensive really quickly, and really honestly snapped pretty hard. After my first initial explanation post and people were still trying to tell me to stop ULR/don't call it Underlust/whatever else there was, I just got tired and told people to block me if they didn't like it. But that didn't really stop anyone and honestly made it worse because that's when I started getting really nasty messages. I like... Specifically remember one where someone called me a lowlife and a thief, and that one stuck the most, but I tended to not read through them before deleting them for my own sanity. I actually did this to one of the people who'd later talked to me calmly about it at first too, because I had just woken up, and really didn't want to read an essay lecture on everything everyone's been telling me at the crack of 7am when I was borderline ready to delete my account and start over lol

Some people I do remember were accusing me of trying to censor nsfw content or erase it as well because ULR isn't 18+, and I'm out here on my horny ass like "wh. What are they talking about, where did you get that idea, have you SEEN my ao3 recommended list," /j but in all seriousness I really didn't understand that accusation at all because I've never been against nsfw content in the slightest and lowkey? This is very dumb -- but like, you know how they say when you get hate mail, you know you've made it? Well, for me, my thought has always been, "When there's 18+ fancontent of my OC's, I'll have finally made it." This is... Not a joke, some of my friends think its very weird LMAO oh well. I've been on the internet for far too long at this point -- like, definitely since I was far too young, probably, and being with a family of the next youngest being 12 years older than me, I really dove into stuff pretty quickly I definitely shouldn't have, but hey that's life -- I'm really unfazed by mostly anything now. Hell, me making ULR was honestly half motivated by me wanting to make others more comfortable with this kind of media, discussing sexuality and otherwise sexual-considered topics, without really being embarrassed or bothered by it. Because, people talk about death and killing and whatever other gorey stuff just fine, but the moment sex comes up, people just gasp in awe, y'know? I kind of grew up that way myself but like... ironically, in being more comfortable with my asexuality, I realized that it's honestly not that big of a deal. Sure, we don't need to hear the details of everything. We don't need to hear the details of a murder either. But I will never understand how murder is always the lowest on the "morally wrong list of things to not to" to so many people and that it's fine to mention, but even consider bringing up anything else and it's like, a sin and you're a bad person. Even racism is like, higher up on there for a lot of people, which it's like... this is an issue that needs to be discussed, or it can never be solved. You can't just kick that away and hope it goes away on its own, that's never how it works.

Ah, well, now I've gone off tangent lol. Sorry to make you read a blob of text lmao but having things in a cohesive format of what I've been thinking does feel a bit better. Thank you for the support regardless, and I do want to keep making what I really enjoy, because frankly, I really want to make things that make people take a step back and think for a moment, y'know? Things that invoke like a realization in yourself about something you didn't even know. That's how fiction's always been for me, so I want to give back by making it that way too. ... maybe my horny content is exempt from this however. That's just. Self indulgence LMAO.

Probably helps that I'm actually talking this all out for once, too, since before any of this I tried to keep as much of the situation contained to myself as possible in hopes I could clean it up before it got too bad. That was, in hindsight, probably a terrible idea lol. But I didn't want to be a source of stress for anyone following me or become the new creator-to-defend that like, 50% of people hate and 50% of people love and that you're either on one side or the other and there's no where in between. (I feel like Arin Hanson comes to mind for me every time I think of someone like this.) I know I can't please everyone and I knew internet hate would come eventually, but like, didn't expect it to be over a name or tag choice. I thought that would be a simple enough DM or clearable thing but apparently not, especially since I saw someone a few weeks ago delete their blog over a similar thing (though, the opposite, in a way: posting nsfw in a sfw tag by mistake). It wasn't in the UT fandom so y'all probably weren't following them (tbf I wasn't either, I just witnessed it happen from start to finish), but it was still disheartening.

Anyway, thank you, and sorry to make ya read all of that (if you actually did vahdbs don't blame you if you don't it's a lot of thought dump lmao)💕💕