#sorry to my followers who don’t care about dan and phil

[gremlin-pattie]

i cannot express how much i have missed the gaming channel

[lyon-amore]

Mr and Mrs Liars Chapter 28

Chapter 27 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------   *MC POV*  I feel like I can breathe better, although my chest still hurts from breathing in so much smoke. Phil, Jessy, Dan and Cleo join me in the room. From what I know, Jake's old team called Phil and he told the group so I wouldn't feel alone. He left me with them while he went to talk to the doctor about my situation. Luckily I had no serious injuries, I just needed to recover and clear the air from my lungs.     “You're going to beat my hospital record.” Dan laughs, trying to cheer me up.     "Don't make me laugh, my chest still hurts." I avoid laughing, but little laughs escape me. “Ugh… I have a headache from all the stress…”     "Do you want me to call the doctor to see if he can give you something?" Cleo asks me, worried.     "No, I'm fine." I keep my head from bobbing around the tubes too much when I look at Jessy. "Do you know how Jake and Charlotte are doing?"     "From what I know, the police were watching Charlotte's room, as was Mr. Schneider," she replies a little sadly “she's still in a coma and Jake…"     "Jake what, Jessy? Please tell me he's okay!" I start to get nervous at the thought that he died, I don't know how serious the shot he received was.     "Luckily the gunshot wound wasn't serious, so he only has stitches" Jessy gives me a small, friendly smile ", he's also on oxygen, but he'll recover. Right now he was with his family and with Thomas. "     "Thank God…" I put a hand to my head, trying to relax.      I'm relieved he’s not alone. So his family… That means his father is in the hospital. I'm sure he has a lot of questions about what happened.     "I never should have brought him into this... "     “He decided to jump in, boo” Dan carefully pats my shoulder “and let's face it, that guy's got some shit on for a cop.     "A cop who's a criminal." Cleo corrects him.     "And with years of experience, he could have killed him."     "Luckily it didn't," Jessy sighs. "I still can't believe that all of this happened to Aleena… It's so sad…"     "But don't forget that she was going to kill MC." Dan crosses his arms, annoyed. "One thing is her to take down on those two cops, but MC didn't do anything to deserve it."     "Yes, that's right." Jessy looks at me sympathetically. "I'm sorry MC, I guess, I can't help but think that those two men did terrible things to her, I still don't know why to take revenge on your father through you."     "Because it's not okay," I answered, being a bit harsh, "I can understand that, but I was never a threat to her."     "Well, the police will take care of her anyway." Cleo sits down on the couch, and the rest of her follow suit. Looks like they're going to stay a while longer to keep me company. That relieves me, I don't feel like being alone. "She will surely accept all the blame, the problem is Manfred, he will want to deny everything saying that it is manipulation."     "But Jake isn't going to let him," I squeeze the covers tightly "he has all the evidence and I can finally talk about everything we investigated. We won't let anyone get away with it."       At least I’m thankful that this is over. I can forget about this case forever.     <<We did it dad, I hope you feel proud of me. >> My phone rings and Jessy hands it to me. I'm surprised to see the name.I take a breath, a little nervous. He must have found out on the news. I must have worried him, perhaps.     "Long time no talk to you." I answer the call with a small smile, a little awkward. *Jake POV*  I woken up in the hospital room, with Hannah, Thomas, Nathan, and his wife. Never before have I seen so many people occupying the same space for me, to know if I'm okay.     "And MC?" It's the first thing I ask when I wake up, worried about her. "Where is she? Is she okay?" I get up so fast I get dizzy.      "Calm down, Jake," Nathan stops me, careful not to hurt me "your friend is fine, you've done a great job helping her, I'm proud of you."      A strange feeling runs through my body hearing those words. I want to hide my happiness that this man, who is my father, is proud of me. But I smile hearing that MC is fine. I can't help but do it. I dropped my head back on the pillow, relieved.     “So…” Thomas begins to speak, “you've confronted a policeman.”     “Old ways never go away.” I commented, forgetting that Hannah and Lilly's parents are in the room.     " 'The old ways'?" Mrs. Donfort asks curiously. I don't blame her.     “Mom, Dad, we'll tell you about it another time,” Hannah says, brushing my hair back lovingly, like a mother “we better let him rest for now.”      The door opens and Lilly walks in, her eyes worried.     “There's a woman here asking about Jake,” she says nervously. ”Oh, he's already awake.”     "A woman?" I ask curiously.     "Are you ever going to be still, Jake?" Mathilde walks into the room, arms folded.      She has invited herself in, furious footsteps. I don't think a scolding from my boss now is the best time.     "And you are?" Mr. Donfort looks at her somewhat confused.     “I'm this man's boss,” she waves at me furiously, “and you could say a mother figure.”     "Don't make me laugh," I replied, with a laugh. What I had to hear as soon as I woke up from almost suffocating to death.      Mathilde surprises me by hugging me. I don't think she's ever hugged someone so hard before. She quickly pulls away, pulling herself together.     "Good," she coughs as she straightens her jacket and hair. "First of all, what you have been doing has been without permission, you cannot carry out investigations illegally."     "But I'd do it again for her." I replied, giving her a hard look.     "I know, and that's what bothers me the most."      They all look at Mathilde, quite concerned.Well, my job at the CIA is over, they will surely hand me over to the police or worse: to the FBI. I'm sure they're rubbing their hands that I finally let them stop me.     “And second of all,” she sighs heavily, though pride is evident in her voice “I've assigned you to a research investigations. It's better than security. "     "What?" confused blink, I am sure the oxygen tank isn't working right?     "What you have done has been illegal, yes" she joins her hands placing them in front of her, she looks like a teacher scolding a student now ", but, you have managed to catch an abusive policeman and a murderous politician thanks to your investigations, I would be stupid if I didn't give you a position in which you collaborate with our best agents."      Everyone starts congratulating me. I don't feel honored in this position, it's all been thanks to MC, she's the one who deserves all the credit, I've only helped her.     "I don't think that-"     "Jake Miller," Mathilde cuts me off "if you're going to name that girl, please leave it." I'm surprised that she guessed what I was thinking. "I know you well. But she doesn't work with us, I can't give her that position. "     "Yes, I can't deny that..."     "So…" she looks at everyone present and offers her hand "Have a nice day everyone."     “Yeah, sure,” Nathan is the first to accept her hand “and thank you so much for taking care of my son all these years."      Mathilde looks at me and smiles.     “He may be a little rebellious about doing things his way,” she says with a sigh “but he's always done it for the good of the people."      Mathilde's words make me feel important. I can't wait to tell MC about it. I can’t wait to see her. When I am finally alone, I ask someone from nursing if I can get up to go see MC. After checking my vital signs, they decide that I can get up without any problem, but that I should come back as soon as possible if I feel dizzy, since I could still be affected by the smoke. I arrive at MC's door just at the same time as Phil. His look says it all, it's like the first meeting.     "Hey..." he nods in greeting "how are you?"     "Better," I answer and looked at the door "I was going to talk to MC-"     "No," I look at him when I hear that not so fast "I'm not going to let you see her."     "I think you shouldn't decide for her, don't you?"      He chuckles, pinching the bridge of his nose.     "Look, I don't want to fight with you right now," he answers, while he crosses his arms. "MC wouldn't be like this if you hadn't brought her into this."     "I just helped her."     "Yes, and look where she is now," he points to the room, furious, "whenever it's about you, she ends up in a dangerous situation: accusation of kidnapping, threats, that your own persecutors try to hack her, that a kidnapper wanted to lure her to possible death. Ever since you brought her into your life, she's had nothing but problems."     "Well, it's thanks to me that you've met her." I assert myself, clenching my fists tightly.     "And I appreciate it, but look at the one your crazy girlfriend has messed up." He places a finger on my chest, beginning to pinching me. "I want you to get away from her, to stop putting her in danger, because then, I don't think I'll be able to control myself and it might be more than a punch that I throws at you. "     "Are you threatening me?"     "It's not a threat, it's a warning." He places his hand on the doorknob, his eyes glare at me. "I don't want the next time she's with you to be killed for real."      He enters the room and I stay in the corridor thinking about his words.  Maybe... Maybe he's right and I'm the cause of him always being in danger. Maybe it's because I'm used to living that way. She does not. MC is not someone who should be put into these risks, I should have been more careful with her so that nothing bad happened to her. I was hoping to get back together with her, but if something dangerous is always going to happen every time we're together, then I'll take this bad luck away from her. She deserves to have a normal life. *MC POV*  Every time I look in the mirror, I remember all the things that have happened. This past month has been such a roller coaster of emotions that I absolutely can't shake myself off. I no longer feel that my home is my home. It's like I feel empty.Phil takes good care of me, I can't deny that, he cares about me after I get out of the hospital much more than when I got shot. The situation this time worried him more than before and I cannot deny that.  I've been trying to contact Jake, but he's not responding to my messages. I send him the last message and what I see on the screen surprises me. He has blocked me, why has he done it? What has happened? I thought that we were fine after what happened in that building, that we had to talk. I can't hear my friends conversation, I'm just lost in my thoughts. I miss Jake and haven't told Phil the truth yet, because I wanted to make sure Jake and I could talk about it together first.     "MC?" Hearing Hannah's voice, I wake up from my thoughts "are you okay? "     "Yes, I'm fine" I smile, trying to calm the atmosphere ", sorry, with everything that's happened I'm a little distracted. "     "Are you sure that's it?" Thomas asks me now "I don't know, we've all noticed that you're not well."     "If you need to talk about it, you know you can." Cleo tells me now, putting a hand on my shoulder.     "We're with you if you need it." Lilly smiles at me, taking my hands.      It's still amazing how she's changed everything between us, she's truly like a little sister to me. The one who is quiet is Jessy, who seems to be in the same state as me. She seems to want to say something, though she shuts up. I wish she did, I'm sure she knows something. I've seen this attitude before.     "Thank you all, but I'm fine," I answered, taking a sip of my coffee "I just have to go back to my normal life after being interrogated day and night." I give them a tired sigh. I haven't even been able to work because of that, but more than one already wants to interview me to get information. On the way home, I get a call from Dan.     "Yes, Jack Daniels?" I greeted him with a smile. A pity he couldn't come with us because of work.     "Hey little detective," he greets me affectionately "I hope you're not busy, but talking to Jessy on the phone now, she wants the three of us to meet up."     "The three of us? Something has happened?"     "You want the bad news over the phone?"     "To be honest, no, that never works out."      I hear Dan's laugh. Surely he has remembered the past.     "Then we'll meet at Jessy's house and… Don't be mad at her, it's my fault too."     "Are you going to tell me that you two are dating?"     "I wish," he makes an exaggerated snort. "See you there. Bye."     "See you later, Dan."      I don't know why, but it gives me a very strange feeling... Jessy's house was always a cozy house. I had slept a few nights there before I started dating Phil, it was so much better than staying in a motel with so many memories. Jessy and Dan are sitting across from me. I'm just trying to figure out what they're hiding by looking at them. I quit right away because I'm too tired to do it, I deserve a break.     "Well, what's going on?" I ask with a laugh "Are you sure it's not that you've started dating?"      Jessy and Dan look at each other, but from their looks it seems something more serious.     “It's about a conversation we overheard at the hospital, when we went to get coffee,” Dan begins, as if not to make it more difficult for Jessy "It's about Jake and Phil."      When I hear Jake's name, my alarm goes off. I worry that they have quarreled again.     "When we got back, we eavesdropped on the conversation," Jessy answers, with a sad voice, "I know it's wrong, but..."     “It's okay, Jessy,” I reply, my voice calm “you can tell me."      Jessy takes a breath, and tries to calm down.     “We heard Phil tell him to stay away from you."     "What?"     “Apparently our bar owner thinks everything that happened is Jake's fault,” Dan continues. "He has forbidden him to see you, which implies that they are not friends at all. Zero contact. Negative."     "Yes, Dan, she's got it perfectly." Jessy looks at him somewhat annoyed with her words, but he doesn't offend me. "I didn't think Phil would be one of those, I mean, he's not jealous, we've all seen that, but he even threatened to beat him up. "     “Not in those exact words, but almost.” Dan corrects.     "MC, these days you've been very strange and... Now I understand" my friend looks at me almost about to cry. The one who should cry is me, not her "I'm sorry I pushed you so much with Phil and your wedding, when in reality I've seen that you're not the same if you're not with Jake. I miss my happy friend, the one who always smiled because she knew she was complete with him."     "Oh Jessy…" I start to cry and hug her. Her words encourage me a lot. She was always saying that when I married Phil, we'd be like sisters, but actually I don't have to marry her brother to be sister. "I love you so much sister," I say with a smile "thank you so much for telling me."     "Oh, what the hell?" Dan says before giving us a big hug.      We laugh at the situation and we both give Dan a kiss on the cheeks. Our great protector. When we part ways, I manage to calm down a bit.     "Time to talk to Phil," I replied, looking at my ring. "I can't keep fooling myself like this."     "You can stay here to sleep later," Jessy proposes "at least while you move, I doubt you'll stay living in that house."     “And if you need help with the boxes, let me know.” Dan makes a forceful gesture and I laugh.     "Sure, thanks guys."      I say goodbye to both of them and leave the house, straight to Bar Aurora. It's time to end this. When I walk in, I find Phil clearing the tables. Seeing me, he smiles.     "Hello Princess." he puts down the cloth and approaches me to kiss me.      I turn my face away and see how he is surprised. I look at him quite annoyed.     "What happen? Is everything alright?      I swallow, trying to control myself. I don't want to have to yell at him.     "Did you tell Jake to stay away from me?"     "Come on MC, what are you asking-"     "Did you tell him or not?"      Phil lets out a big sigh, putting his arms on his hips.He doesn't dare look at me because he knows I would guess.     "You had no right to tell him that."     "Because of him you are always suffering" he counterattacks me "Look what has happened to you! Whenever he's around, bad things happen to you."     "My God, is that your excuse?" I reproach him, trying to make him look at me "Is Jake a guy who can put me in danger?"     "It's been like that since he came into your life."     "And what if that's it?!" I can't control myself, I need to scream "You can't decide for us if we see each other or not! You know perfectly well that you have no right to do so!"     "I have the right to do it because I'm your fiance!"      I stare at him, surprised. It was like feeling in a little box at that moment. And I wasn't going to let that happen.     "MC, I'm sorry." He grabs my hands realizing his mistake, but I push them away. "I did not mean that."     "But you said it." I bite the inside of my cheek, controlling myself. "You have never been jealous with anyone. Never." I shake my head, confused. "Jake arrives and everything seems to be wrong."     "Because everything would go wrong with him." He places his hands on my cheeks, caressing them. "MC, you have already seen that with me you can have a normal life, friends, family… You would be safe, you wouldn’t have to be in danger all the time."      I keep looking at him. Yes, it is true that several things happen around Jake, it is always like that...     "I know..." I answer with a little sadness "You're right... With Jake things are always difficult..." I look down, somewhat disappointed.     "Then let's not fight, okay?" He smiles sweetly at me, making me look at his face. "What do you say we have dinner at the Black Swan to fix it?" We deserve a good time alone."      I look at his eyes and then at the ring. I start thinking about his words. This is the moment of decision. And I already have it very clear. *Jake POV*  It had been a stressful month. I had to declare everything that had happened, along with the support of Mathilde and Malcolm, doing everything possible to avoid being arrested for getting into a computer belonging to a police chief who, no matter how much he committed a crime, I too had committed another: I did not have judicial permission to do so.  Luckily, my new position had saved me and Mathilde had lied to say that it was something ordered by the CIA. I already owe too much to that woman.  I haven't been to Duskwood for a month either, letting my family come into town to see me. They found out about everything and well… At first it was a bit tense, but when they found out that I was the one who put all those criminals in jail, the tension lessened a bit. Although I have promised not to do it illegally again this time.  I have also decided to lose all contact with MC. And this time forever.  I watch the sunset on the roof. I can't be on that apartment so quiet. It's too much for just one. At first I thought it would be perfect for MC and me. Now I just want to move from here to a smaller one. That way I wouldn't lose Gizmo everywhere.I take MC's mother's wedding ring out of my pants pocket. I was never able to gove it back. I'll have to give it to my sisters so they can give her back too. I hear Gizmo meow desperately. I have brought him up with me so that he can get some fresh air.     "What's up boy?" I ask, turning to him.      When I turn around, I see MC in front of me. She raises a hand in greeting, shyly.     "I think I'm the cause," she answers, with a small voice. "Hello."      I pocket the ring, nervous.     "Hello," I replied, scratching the back of my neck. "A lot of time has passed…"     "Yeah..."      She doesn't come closer, she keeps her distance. This is getting a bit awkward.     "I had gone to your apartment, but you didn't answer," she says, pointing to the door to the roof. "So I figured you'd be here."     "I could have gone."     "Yes, I know."      She gets a little closer.I look at her from top to bottom. It seems different.That's when I see that she doesn't have the engagement ring.     "Everything okay with Phil?" I ask curious.     "You mean the ring?" She asks me now, looking at her hand "He… We've broke up… Well, I've broke up with him."     "And what are you doing here?"     "I was going to go to Lian's and her husband's house so they would let me live with them for a while until I found an apartment."     "Aren't you staying in Duskwood?"     "No, I think I'll avoid it for a while." She comes up next to me, leaning against the ledge. "Too much tension."     "I see."      We stayed in silence looking at the city. The lights begin to set and the sky to darken. I dedicate myself to observe her side face. Her smile doesn't fade. I reached into my pocket, pulling out her mother's ring. I look at it for a few seconds before handing it to her.     "Here," MC looks at me and then at the ring, picking it up carefully. "I picked it up when we went to the warehouse.”     "Thank you," she looks at it, turning it over, and puts it on, looking at her hand to see how it fits her "you know? Canceling a wedding costs the same as making one.” She lets out a long breath, ending up resting her head on my shoulder. "My advice is never get married."     "Or maybe not getting to marry the wrong person. Oh!" She pinches my arm and I laugh at her. "You know I'm right.”     "Maybe yes…"      Finally the silence stops being uncomfortable. The heat that MC emanates begins to cover my entire body. It's nice to have her here with me. I didn't expect to see her again.     "Why don't you spend the night here?" I suggest and she looks at me "You still have your room and… I haven't moved the clothes from the closet, tomorrow you can go to your friend's house."     "Yeah, okay, I can stay tonight."     "Great..."     <<Come on Jake… Tell her. >>     "MC-"     "Jake-"   We remain silent, looking at each other.I took the hand where the ring was and traced the route with my finger. It fits her perfectly, almost like it was made for her too.   "I don't just want you to stay tonight," I finally dare to say it, looking into her eyes. The city lights are reflected in them "I want you to stay forever."    "Jake-"     "MC, I love you" I caress her cheek and she leans on my hand, tilting her head, smiling "and the thought that I could lose you that night made my life stop. I don't want to know what life is like without you, it's not in my plans."     "And what are your plans?"     "Continue where we left off."     "Mmm... No." I look at her surprised at my refusal and she laughs. "We don't have to continue something that was never left."     "I think that it was left and a lot."     "No-"     "You were going to get married"     "Well, it's a little pause-"     "A big one-"     "Just kiss me."      I accept her request and kiss her. MC puts her arms around my neck, trying to catch up with me. Her lips fit perfectly with mine, as if they had always been mine. I move my hand up her back until I place it behind her neck, deeper into her kiss. I missed kissing her. I had been wanting to do it since we met again. It's slow, causing me to start to get hot. As we pull apart, I hear her let out a moan. In her eyes I could see that she still wanted more. I missed that look of hers. She is perfect.     “I love you Jake,” she says, between each breath. ”I have always loved you.”     "I know." she lets out a laugh and buries her face in my body "Shall we go inside?"     “Sure.”      I take her hand and signal to Gizmo to leave. He follows us starting to meow.     "Know what Jake?" I notice her playful voice, happy.     ”What's the matter?”     "I don't think I'm going to need my room tonight...”     "I don't think so either." That night was the longest night of our lives. It was the night that we made up for all the lost time and in which I recovered the reason why I believed in being happy again. We became one again. Epilogue

[goblin-phannie]

it’s been a while since i posted a photo of me on here but i just wanted to share that i finished my degree!!!! and also this is what i look like now!!!! and also i forgot to hire a graduation robe lmao i love my adhd brain

[wouldduskwood]

Descendants of Despair Part 55

Phil had his head down. He looked gaunt compared to the photos I had seen of him. When he reached our table, he lifted his head and his eyes lit up. “Thanks for coming,” he said as the guards stepped back, allowing him to sit opposite us. I nodded without saying a word, not wanting to give too much of my intentions away yet. It was far easier to build a picture of someone when you had the power. Dan greeted Phil in a typical bullheaded bloke style. I watched, trying to establish a baseline between their casual conversation. It wasn’t an easy task, as both men were doing their best to shelter. I guessed this was because they had a few run ins in the past. I was forced to rely on micro expressions, which is something that I didn’t like to do because it meant staring directly at someone to spot any slight change in their expression. Micro expressions usually only lasted around ⅕ of a second. It tended to make people uncomfortable and self conscious when spending this much time staring at them.

Once the typical small talk had run dry, and I had gathered as much as I could on reading Phil’s facial cues, I finally spoke. “So, you’re innocent.” I stated, matter of factly. Phil’s eyes widened briefly.

“You believe me then?” he asked. I considered his question. Believe him. Not so much. Believe the evidence we had so far that the man without a face was still active, absolutely. But did it mean Phil wasn’t involved in one way or another, not really. Still, when the truth wouldn’t get me what I wanted, lying was nearly guaranteed to. As long as the lie was something they wanted to hear, they’d believe it without question.

“Yes, I believe you. I want to know more about your connection with Michael Hansen and what he has to do with this whole thing.” I said clearly, my tone even and eyes maintaining direct contact. It was a good strategy to convince people that the lie was the truth, even if they were on the fence about it.

Phil smiled. “I knew I liked you. When I get out of here, I am going to take you out for a drink. Perhaps a meal.” I could see Dan was about to speak, and I knew what he was going to say would be something biting about Jake, so I kicked him under the table. The fact that Phil had deflected from the purpose of the conversation concerned me. I was about to respond, flirt if I had to, anything to get the truth from him, when we were interrupted by a form approaching the table. I glanced up and sighed. I had a pretty good idea who our uninvited guest was, so I had a choice. Play it stupid, and hope for the best, or put him off his game. The problem was, I wasn’t 100% sure I was correct in my assumptions, but the risk seemed worth it.

“Ah, my good friend Alan Bloomgate. Nice to finally meet you.” I announced, standing as I did and shaking his hand. This gesture was uncomfortable for me, but it also gave me an element of power in the situation. Alan paused, suddenly off his stride, surprised I had made the connection so quickly. I was thankful that my suspicion was valid. If I had been wrong, the officer would have had all the power.

“Is now a good time to discuss information you may have pertaining to the Hannah Donfort and Amy Lewis Bell cases?” Alan asked, directly to the point. I raised an eyebrow as I considered what he said. The question was stupid really, he knew full well that I had been avoiding that exact conversation. Stupid questions lead to stupid answers, I decided.

“Well, actually now is not a really good time, see I came here to spend some time with my close pal Phil. See, he’s practically family... and, you know how things go when you’re in prison, that time tends to be quite limited,” I announced, unable to keep my snarky attitude to myself, while exaggerating my relationship to Phil. I despised the police in general. They had never done anything to protect me. When I was on the street, they would walk past me like they were blind, even when I was just a kid. It tended to be easier for them, less paperwork and all of that. Unless I did something wrong, then they’d be all over my ass to protect the more upstanding citizens. Of course, my attitude towards them didn’t help matters. Still, it made me feel better.

“I’m sure we can arrange for you to see Mr Hawkins another time,” Alan said, his voice taking on a stern ‘you will not fuck with me’ tone. This riled me even more. I hoped Jake would do something before I ended up getting arrested for assaulting a police officer.

“Well, see, that’s the thing. Mr Hawkins really shouldn’t be in here at all, right?" I paused, thinking to myself 'at least not for everything that the man without a face has done'. "I know you make a habit of going after innocent people, but arresting an innocent man while being blind to the movements of the actual culprit?" I mock sighed, exaggerating it for effect. "Anyway, If you want my opinion on the aforementioned cases, then I’d suggest you cast your net a little further and leave us alone.” I replied, trying desperately to refrain from what I actually wanted to say. Dan and Phil both shot me awkward ‘won’t you shut the fuck up’ glances. However, I couldn’t really be arrested for being a bitch. They could hardly build much of a case on hurt feelings. The best they could do was hold me in a cell for a while. That would be inconvenient but not the end of the world.

As Alan glared at me, I suddenly regretted my response, as I found myself backed into a corner.

“Actually, I was about to tell Mr Hawkins that we would be releasing him on bail, if he is able to make the money,” Alan replied. This surprised me and put me further on the back foot. Just as I was about to dig the hole deeper for myself, alarms started sounding in various places throughout the building. Moving hastily, I grabbed Dan’s arm and motioned he should follow. As Alan’s attention was momentarily distracted, I slid past him and headed into the reception area, walking quickly, but refraining from running. I hoped Jake's alarms hadn’t caused a lockdown. On reaching the reception, I could see that the staff were all staring at the computer screen. Making my way out the front door, I turned briefly to face Dan.

“Can you text Jake the letter D. I’ll be in touch,” I stated quickly then, before he could respond, I was off at a run taking one of my less desired escape routes. I didn’t know whether I could trust him with that simple task, but I hoped he would do that for me, even if I had upset him.

Jumping over the buildings for my escape, I was careful to keep an eye out for the man without a face, but the bigger concern was Alan. I wondered just how much he knew and who he was working in conjunction with. If it was the Government, he now had a good idea where Jake and I were. If it was from my past, then he was a dirty cop and I would have a tail pretty quickly. Either way, I’d fucked up going there and hadn’t learnt much of anything, except that Phil was definitely hiding something. Sliding down the fire escape, I was relieved to see Jake pull up in front of me. He had the door open before I had cleared the small distance to the car. I jumped in and slammed the door, holding on as he sped away.

“I’m so sorry,” Jake growled. “I would have had you out sooner, but from what I could see, you hadn’t gained enough from Phil to make any clear judgements. I knew we had one shot at this...but fuck,” he hissed. I ignored his comment to try and forge ahead. We were in more danger now than we had been since we found each other.

“I think we need to meet up with Dan. He knows Phil better than I do and I have a few questions for him. Then we need to get the fuck out of here, because I have a bad feeling that one of our pasts is going to catch up with us.” I stated. Jake nodded, suddenly looking tired more than anything.

“You’re right, fuck, I’m so sorry, you know that right? I should have been stronger and stayed away from you. You’d only have your own problems to face, not this shit with Hannah and the Government. I screwed your life from the moment I entered it.”

Shit, meeting up with Phil had potentially been the worst idea of my life. Now, not only were we in danger, but Jake had regressed back to pushing me away. Admittedly, I had done the same thing to him in the beginning, but since I had consciously made the decision that life wasn’t really life without Jake, I had been all in. I would manage to live with the dangers of his life and I’d do anything in my power to shelter him from the dangers of mine. After all, couples were meant to share shit, right? And he made me stronger. His defenses, coupled with my own, should be enough to face anything.

As he drove, I glared at him, but he took no notice. Instead his eyes remained fixed on the road in front of him. “Fuck Jake.” I groaned. “You don’t get it, do you? The only purpose I had in my life, before you, was to try and fix the problems I have started. What do you think would have happened to me after that? When my problems were gone, with no purpose? I may have ended up going back to the street. I may have ended up dead. Now I want to live. Now, even after I have fixed my situation, I want to carry on. Because of you, you turnip,” I growled, then shook my head at myself. Jake sighed, slumping in his seat.

“Turnip?” he questioned.

“Ugh, I wanted to let you know how stupid you were being...without being mean?” I sighed. Jake snickered quietly at my response then sighed again.

“Nothing you can say right now will make me feel any less guilty.” He murmured. “I need to feel guilty right now. I need to feel angry and upset. After that, I’ll be more willing to think about our future. But right now, I just need to be angry.”

I nodded thoughtfully and sat back, trying to ignore his presence and give him the time he needed. Eventually he replied. “Okay, you better text Donkey Kong with his new mission,” he sighed with a side smile at me. I giggled. “Wait, why Donkey Kong now?” I asked. “Isn’t it obvious?” Jake replied. “He’s a giant monkey that I could see throwing things when he gets upset, and you are like a very talented jump man that can jump pretty much anything.”

I was glad that Jake had a bit of his humour back, so I decided to encourage him more along this path. “Wait, when did I become a man?” I questioned, unzipping my pants and making a mock show of checking. Jake laughed. “You had better let me check that later, I will be more thorough than you.”

“Hm, yeah I think I’ll allow that,” I giggled as I rezipped my pants. Jake took my hand and smiled. “Listen, what I said before, it’s because I’m scared. It isn’t because I don’t want you. You’ve given my life as much purpose as I’ve given yours. But I’ve given you twice as many problems as you’ve given me.”

“Hm, you’re right.” I replied, pausing and raising my eyebrows as I stared at him. “I can always get a few more, if you like! That way we can be even.” Jake laughed again but tried to turn it into a growl of disapproval. I snickered then pulled out my phone. “Okay, so where are we going to meet Donkey Kong?” I asked. Jake smiled then thought for a moment. “I guess we don’t have a lot of options. Let’s go back to the warehouse. At least we know he knows where that is. We will move on as soon as we have had this conversation...or before it if we see any signs of trouble.”

I nodded, suddenly feeling a weight of dread descend again. Pulling out my phone, I text Dan then sat back, eyes closed, as Jake drove us back to the warehouse.

Part 56

[ntyr-bby]

Clothes on

Pairing: phan

Genre: smut

Summary: after what happened on Phil's house, he asks Dan to talk. One thing leads to another and he discovers Dan's neck is quite sensible

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Promp request: If your open to promts, I would really love it if you did one about the first time phil discovered dan's neck thing. I've seen it done before but I just really love your writing! Thank you!!

A/N: Thank you so much for your kind words!! Sorry this took so long to write, I hope you enjoy!

part 1 here (read it before if you want some context)

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It's been a week since "the incident", as Dan calls it, the regret of it happening made an appearance about two days later when he had to take his chemistry exam and his mom told him not to worry and that the study-time with Phil would show up. With flushed cheeks Dan managed to get the best grade on his class, but also a semi erection.

Thank you, Lester.

On wednesday Louise, his best friend, mentioned how Phil hasn't been around much, meaning he didn't make insinuations towards Dan all week. Dan fakes a smile, not knowing how to respond to that and shocking himself at not being gratful for not having Phil and his inapropied comments around.

Is friday now and Phil is sitting in the table in front of Dan in the cafeteria. Well, Phil, his best friend PJ and a girl Dan has seen in a few clases but never learned her name. He is not rude, he just has a bad memory. The fact that she is sitting next to Phil has nothing to do about it, he swears.

Dan shakes his head and looks back at his food, Louise is busy taking her English exam and since they don't share that class, Dan is left to have lunch by himself. He looks up again at the same time the girl takes Phil's hand and pulls it into her lap. Phil goes with it, caressing her leg a little, just like last Saturday he did to Dan.

Stop. Dan tells himself, not wanting to go down that memory lane again and let alone in that moment.

When he focus his view one more time, he is meet with a pair of blue eyes looking back at him. Phil winks at him and Dan almost chokes on the fries he is eating. Obviously this doesn't go unnoticed by Phil, who smirks at him.

"Are you okay?" Phil mouths.

Dan rolls his eyes, turning away. But the older doesn't take that as an answer and walks towards Dan's table.

"Are you okay, Danny?"

"What do you care," Dan answers with an agressive tone than even surprises him.

"I do. Why are you so angry, though?"

Dan looks at Phil as he sits down, a look on his face that says "what are you doing?" but no words leave his mouth.

"Dan?"

"I'm not"

"You clearly are upsed" Phil points out. Is not like Dan's responses are the nicest towards him anyway, but he can tell something is up.

"Now you know me?"

"Is because of last week?" Dan looks at him with a mix of shock and shyness on his face. And that's enough for an answer. "Dan-"

"Don't" he cuts Phil off. But blue eyes look and him sternly.

"We have to talk. After school, I'll take you home."

Phil doesn't wait for an answer and Dan doesn't bother on even thinking on one. He knows Phil will wait for him either way and even if Dan tries to avoid him, they are neighbours so that wouldn't last long.

...

Just as expected, Phil is waiting for him on his car right in front of the school, Dan climbs in after telling Louise is something his parents make him do, so she doesn't ask more questions.

"I thought you wanted to talk," Dan says after they ride in silence for a few minutes.

"You're so angry today"

"You already pointed that out."

"And I made a question you didn't answer." Phil's actitud changes to a serious one, making Dan more nervious about the conversation.

"Why would I be angry about that?"

"You are. What I want to know is why."

"I don't know" he answers because he honestly doesn't know what makes him angry. He wasn't angry after it happened, in fact he felt pretty good but he is not telling that to Phil. He wasn't angry when the exam bonner happened, he was embarrassed. He wasn't angry when Phil wasn't paying attention to him anymore, he was sad.

Wait.

"Oh..." Dan let's out in realization.

"What?"

"N-nothing."

"Dan." Phil turns to look at him, only to see Dan is fidgeting with his sweater's sleeves to then focus on the road again. "Listen, I'm not gonna force you to talk to me, but if I did something that made you mad you need to let me know so I can apologize."

There's silence in the car once again until Phil parks in front of Dan's house and the younger one doesn't get out.

"I've never done that." Dan says, and as he noticed Phil is confuse, adds. "I mean, I've make out before, but you know... Never... Not like... What we did."

"Oh" now is Phil's turns to realizes things. "Dan, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to pressure yo-"

But he still doesn't get it.

"No, no." Dan cuts him off, again. "That's okay. You didn't pressure me into it... I enjoyed it..."

Phil can't help but smile a little at that confession.

"Don't get cocky" Dan demands when he sees him.

"Sorry. Why are you upset then?"

"You didn't..." he takes deep breath, "you stoped being around, you didn't say anything to me the whole week. And then," Dan stops himself not sure if he wants to keep telling Phil all about how he feels.

"And then?" Phil encouraged, he has turn around all he can in his seat to look at Dan properly.

"A-and then... In the cafeteria your hand was on her lap and I..."

"And you got jealous?" Phil is a bit surprise and chuckles, finding Dan adorable for acting all shy about it.

"Is not funny!"

"No, is cute"

"Phiiiiil!" Dan covers his face with his hands, feeling how warm it is from the embarrassment of the confessions he just made.

"Aw, baby. I'm sorry," Phil tries to moves his hands away. "Sorry for saying you are cute when you are the cutest"

Dan groans and uncovers his face to glare at Phil.

"Sorry for not talking to you, too." Phil continues, "I thought it was better to give you some space, I didn't know how you would react if I approached you,"

"And..." Dan urges him to go on.

"And I'm sorry I let Lenna put my hand on her lap."

Dan smiles at him, Phil words are genuine but his curiosity (and jealousy) gets the best of Dan and asks "why did you let her?"

"Because you were looking" Phil answers with a smirk and Dan kind of wants to punch him. But Phil is quicker than him and closes the space between them and in a matter of seconds their lips are barely touching.

"Wanted to see if you got jealous," he moves his mouth closer to Dan's ear, "Wanted to see your reaction so I'll know if you were interested in more"

"M-more?"

"Uh-uh" Phil kiss his neck softly, "In me. In us." he leaves another kiss, a bit more firm and it causes Dan to tremble. "Are you, baby?"

"We... We should go inside." Dan answers, finding the will power to move Phil away and open the car's door. Leaving Phil to chuckle victorously to himself.

Dan managed to open the door to his house and leads them into his room without Phil taking off his clothes until they are upstairs.

"This is my room" Dan says nervously, covering his shaky hands with his sweater sleeves once again.

"Is nice." Phil says, looking around in his way to sit on the bed. "C'mon here,"

Dan obeys and walks to stand in front of him. Phil holds his hands, "I know people think I'm an asshole and just fuck around but I'm not, Dan. I mean, yes, I've had sex with some people," this is not a surprise to the youngest and he appreciates Phil's honesty, "but if you don't want to do anything we don't have to. If you want to stop, you tell me and I'll stop, okay?"

Dan nods, looking at Phil's eyes to know he means it and then back to his hands that even when they are been hold by Phil, are still shaking.

Phil pulls him in, puts Dan's hands on his own shoulders and holds Dan by his waist until he gets the hint of what Phil is asking for. Dan straddles his neighbor and is pretty sure the guy can feels how his heart is beating so fast.

"Fuck, this is a nice view." Phil says, getting back Dan's attention. "You in my lap, all flushed. You look so damn good."

"P-phil..." the youngest wishpers

"Tell me what you want, baby boy"

"K-kiss me?"

They meet in the middle, Dan has to bend a little since in this position he is taller than Phil for once. The kiss is a bit messy at first, the tension of the whole week making its way into it but soon they find a rhythm, one that is soon follow by Phil's hips bucking up into Dan's ass.

"Hmmm" Dan moans against Phil lips at the actions.

"I missed those sounds" Phil breaks the kiss, letting Dan breath and his moans to not be muffle. If there is something he regrets about last week is the fact they have to keep quite and he couldn't hear them properly.

Phil takes a look at Dan's face, noticing how the pink on his face match the color of his sweater and how his lips open to let out a moan when Phil repeats the movement with his hips.

"So hot," Phil murmurs against his lips, kissing him firmly before kissing his jawn and making his way to Dan's neck, making him shiver when his lips touch a particular spot, the same way it happened in the car. Bringing one of his hands up, he tills Dan's head to the side, making room for himself, and testing a theory he kiss him there once again.

"Aaah" Dan moans particularly loud and his hips move against Phil's erection, causing the oldest to groan, his lips still on Dan's neck and causing pleasure once again.

"Oh god!" Dan is glad both his parents work until late and he has the house for himself all afternoon. He knew his neck was a sensible place for him, but didn't expected to have that reaction to Phil kissing him. Maybe is the contrast of Phil's soft, warm lips and the cold, hash feeling of the olderst' piercing against his neck at the same time. Or the movements that are just a reflection of how much experience he has compared to Dan.

Either way, it feels like nothing the has feel before.

One of his hands moves up to the back of the punk's head, but he doesn't know if he wants Phil to stop or continue, so for a second his fingers just play with the black hair. Phil takes all that as encouragement and sucks Dan's skin into his mouth, just hard enough to leave a mark, and gently so it stills feels good for the guy in his lap. Dan moans even harder in respond and tugs at Phil's hair.

Phil licks the spot after leting go, sutting the pain a bit and sending more shivers down Dan spine. "You're sensible there," he says all proud of himself. And keeps kissing to see if he can find another good spot.

Dan is overwhelmed, he is just sitting in Phil's lap moaning not even realising he is humping against Phil until the oldest holds him by the waist, stoping Dan's movements.

Dan groans, words are to much work for his horny brain and sounds are his only way of communication right now. Phil finds this funny aparently, he is chuckling against Dan's neck while he kisses and licks.

"I think you can cum just by this," he says refering to the actions with his lips, "you're so horny anyway, all I need to do is kiss here," he touch slightly with his thumb, "and suck here" this time he kisses, "and you could cum untouched. Should we try, baby?" he kiss again, Dan moans predictably and tries to move his hips unsuccessfully.

"Yes, yes. Please... I-I need t-"

Dan doesn't finished his sentence because Phil's lips are moving right after the first 'yes'. He sucks particularly hard, this time making sure it leaves a mark and Dan throws back his head screaming in pleasure as he hits his climax.

Phil holds him for a second, but can't help the movements of his own body as he sees the image in front of him. "F-fuck, Dan." he groans, doing his best to not just buck his hard on into Dan's ass right there and then.

Dan moans at the feeling, puching down into Phil. "You're hard" he says dumbly, still a bit out of breath.

"How can I not? You just came from a hickey sitting on my lap,"

"Ughh" Dan complains, embarrassed by what just happened, hidding his face against Phil's neck, who laughs lightly, only causing more friction against his own erection. He moans and Dan push down again.

"You wanna help me cum?"

"Uh-uh" Dan nods.

"Shit. You really are incredibly hot." he holds Dan by his hips once again, moving him in a rhythm Phil finds satisfying.

Dan holds against the leather jacket Phil is wearing while letting him have control of his body's movements as the older pleases for his own satisfaction. Groans leave the youngest throat as the movements become more rough, Phil stops moving Dan's hips and now is bucking into him while holding the chestnut in place. Is like he is fucking into him and that thought is just what Dan needs to let out another loud moan.

"You like that?" Phil asks satisfactorily, "You would love for me to fuck you, don't you? Oh god, I'll love to do it, baby." he rambles, himself moaning too at the thought of what that would feel like. The encounter of last week giving him a good idea of it, "I'll love for you to ride me," he admits, "Just like this but without clothes, nothing between us. Oh, that would be so fucking good. Tell me you wan it, babyboy."

"I-i want it." Dan answers as fast as he cans. And he knows he is not as experience as Phil in the matter, but seeing him so turn on gives Dan confidence to keep talking. "I want you to fuck me. Want to ride you. Want to feel your cock inside me, d-daddy."

Hearing Dan, the innocent soft boy, saying those things and calling him that is what helps him reach his orgasm.

"F-fuck," He bucks up particularly hard as he cums agains Dan's ass, imagining what it would actually feel to cum inside of him.

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the end

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Let me know if I should write part 3, I think I got and idea for it hehe

[blissedoutphil]

Tops Only Part 2

Dan’s favourite actor just opened a new bar right by the street near his apartment, and he couldn’t wait to check it out. One problem though, it was for Tops only, and Dan wasn’t one.

1389 words of Top!Phil, bottom!dan, AU where everyone’s born with a Type (top/bottom/switch)

There's a tiny part in here that was inspired by the Weenie Hut Jr episode of Spongebob. gotta love that classic

~Part 1~

or read on ao3!

“Thought you were gonna unstan him now.”

Dan rolled his eyes at Anthony’s remark, then went back to scrolling his tumblr. His post about how unfair Phil was with the bar had gained traction, and it was largely supported by his fellow Type. Though there were some Tops who grumbled about how people were taking things too seriously or tried to explain that it wasn’t unfair. Dan blocked those accounts. What do they know about unfair treatment?

Dan had asked Anthony to help with his plan B tonight: Perhaps they could let him in if he came with a Top. It would definitely irritate him if they allowed this, but at least he would be let in. Anthony easily agreed to try it out, so here they were waiting in line. He was a friend Dan didn’t deserve, always willing to indulge in Dan’s fanboying.

Dan had waited a couple of weeks, walking past the bar everyday but from across the road instead. He'd observed the different bouncers, trying to work out their schedules as he didn’t want to cross paths with the same one from his original attempt.

They stepped up to the new bouncer, who easily let Anthony through after they flashed their ID. But he held out a hand in front of Dan when Dan tried to quickly follow Anthony.

“Oh, I’m with him,” Dan reasoned.

“Still no can do buddy,” the bouncer stepped between him and Anthony.

“It’s okay I can take care of him,” Anthony spoke to the bouncer casually.

Inside, Dan hated the statement. He can take care of himself, thank you very much. But that’s just how the world worked and treated Types - Tops protect and care for their Bottoms. He understood where Anthony was playing at, so he played along and nodded with wide pleading eyes.

“Sorry,” the bouncer shook his head.

Dan frowned, but at least this bouncer was polite. Unfortunately though, he’d judged the guy too soon.

“I think you’d be better off in a Bottoms Only Bar,” the bouncer then suggested lightheartedly.

"Bottoms only?!" Dan repeated in surprise and seethed, “are you fucking kidding me?”

The bouncer shrugged unapologetically, swiftly moving on to the next person. Anthony shot Dan an apologetic look before he entered. Dan had prepared for this outcome, instructing Anthony to enter without him if he couldn’t so that he can bring back updates on what goes on inside that makes it so unacceptable for Dan to be let in.

Dan made his way back home begrudgingly, imagining himself opening a Bottoms Only Bar. See how Phil would like being excluded like this.

He sighed as he reached his door, shaking his head at his own thoughts. Why would Phil care about Dan’s made up Bottoms Only bar, he doesn’t even know who Dan is.

Dan entered his apartment and sprawled on his sofa, opting to scroll the internet while he waited for Anthony. The security at Phil’s bar was good, he read quite a number of fans’ posts on how they tried to sneak in not just through the bouncers but through any possible back doors. So far, nobody has had any luck still.

Anthony finally returned past 1am, startling Dan out of his accidental nap when he knocked on Dan’s door. Dan narrowed his eyes at Anthony when he opened the door.

“You didn’t need to be there that long,” Dan grumbled.

“Dude, it was...” Anthony was clearly very pumped up and tipsy after a good night out but he quietened, not wanting to make Dan feel bad about being unable to enter.

“Just tell me,” Dan groaned, slumping back on his sofa.

So Anthony related the events of his night. How there were Bottom waiters enticing the guests while serving their dessert and drinks. Giving them a show and dancing with the Tops, even getting sexual with those who gave extra tips.

“Did you like… get it on with a waiter or what?” Dan said judgmentally.

Anthony shrugged playfully, “The opportunity presented itself…”

Dan fake retched at Anthony’s confession, and got a playful punch on his shoulder in return.

It was clear from what Anthony told him that the bar really was catered for Tops only. That still didn’t satisfy Dan, though.

“He could’ve made an all-inclusive bar,” he pouted.

Anthony sighed empathically but he countered softly, “Well, it’s Phil’s way of finally expressing his Type I guess.”

“By capitalising on it and alienating a big part of his fanbase?” Dan spat.

“You really should unstan him if it bothers you, this is getting unhealthy.”

“Don’t tell me what to do,” Dan stuck his tongue out at Anthony.

“I saw him there,” Anthony admitted in a small voice.

“What?” Dan perked up instantly, “What was he doing? Did you get any pictures?!”

“I didn’t, but I think he’s there most nights. He made a short appearance and thanked everyone for coming and supporting him. Played around with some of the Bottoms for a bit.”

Dan scoffed, but deep down he felt a bout of envy. He wondered how those Bottoms got the job.

“Trust me Dan, you wouldn’t enjoy it there anyway. You’re not missing out on anything,” Anthony tried to comfort him.

“I guess. Thanks for getting the inside scoop,” Dan joked half-heartedly, getting up from the couch.

“I’ve prepared the guest room,” he yawned as he headed towards his own room.

He’d heard enough. Maybe Anthony was right, there was no reason to let some celebrity affect him this much. He decided to sleep his negativity off, abruptly leaving Anthony in the lounge. His friend had stayed over enough times to know to make himself comfortable in Dan’s home anyway.

Of course, unstanning someone Dan had adored for years was easier said than done. A few days later, he was back on his bullshit. He’d tried searching for any information online on how to get a job in Phil’s bar, but there was nothing at all. He frowned, he of all people should’ve seen information about it. How the hell did he miss any job ads or casting calls or auditions or whatever?

Dan sighed as he walked past the bar from across the road after work again. He could’ve been working in there right now. Seeing Phil every night. Maybe dancing with him. Instead he was stuck in some boring office admin job.

The queue to enter never wavered despite it being almost a month since opening already. And despite knowing almost everything there was to know about the bar, Dan still longed to step inside and see it for himself.

He visited Anthony for lunch the next day. And to drop Plan C on his friend.

“Are you insane?!” Anthony said incredulously upon hearing Plan C.

“C’monnn, everyone says we look freakishly alike anyway!” Dan persuaded.

“And what happens if they find out you’re using my ID? Will you pay the fine for me? Bail me out of jail?” Anthony stared at him disbelievingly.

“Don’t be so dramatic!”

“Oh I’m the dramatic one here? It’s just a bar Dan, let it go.”

Dan fell silent. He knew Anthony was right, there was no point in arguing. He sagged against his chair in defeat.

Perhaps Anthony felt guilty for dismissing his idea like that because after their lunch, Anthony sat Dan down on his couch and turned on one of Dan’s favourite movies that Phil starred in. It was telling that Anthony was trying to cheer Dan up because he would never watch that movie on his own accord.

“How long are you gonna be all mopey like this?” Anthony sighed after the movie ended and Dan was still being quiet.

“How come... I didn’t at least know they were hiring waiters or something?" Dan spoke wistfully.

Anthony gave a long suffering sigh before saying, “Maybe that could be your Plan D if C doesn’t work out.”

Dan looked up at his friend in surprise, finding Anthony’s hand outstretched towards him with his ID in hand.

“Really?” Dan said in an unsure but hopeful tone.

“Take it before I change my mind,” Anthony huffed.

“Thank you!” Dan leapt up to land in Anthony’s lap and crush him in a tight hug, “I owe you one.”

“Just don’t do anything stupid to get yourself caught,” Anthony chuckled, returning the hug.

-------------------------------

~Part 1~

This chapter's kinda short but dw next one's gonna be longer! Sorry no sign of Phil (yet) but hope yall enjoyed some danthony this chapter :) I'm enjoying projecting fan behaviour onto Dan lol

There will be either 4 or 5 parts for this fic, idk we'll see! lmk what you think so far~

[layanasstories]

Twenty - Four

The car ride took about forty minutes. That was enough to tell Dan everything. From the game to the branding. And how we hid in the attic. And that we saw Phil get help from Jake's pursuers. I told him everything. "So Alan should know where they're holding Jake?" he asked with a raised eyebrow. "Yes, I assume so. Otherwise he knows enough so we can find him based on that information." I answered. "And I'm going to demand that he ensure that Phil is arrested. With or without evidence. But him walking around free is no longer a choice.". "How did you have that in mind? I mean he's the police chief of Duskwood." he parked the car in front of the hospital and we got out. "Right, a dirty one. But there are things nobody knows about me Dan." I give him a wink and walked towards the entrance.

There was no queue at the reception, so we could go straight through. The woman behind the counter looked at "How can I help you?". "My father was brought here less than an hour ago after a car accident. His name is Alan Bloomgate. I would like to know where he is now" I feigned a concerned look. "One minute I'm going to look for you" she turned to her screen. "Here I see it, but I can't let everyone through.". "Now are you saying that I can't go to my father?!" I raised my voice a little "Sorry ma'am, what is your name so I can see if you are on the visitors list". "Bloomgate! just like my father. Emily Bloomgate And this man here..." I pointed to Dan "Is my fiancée, Sabastian Anderson. You can check that out right away too". She looked at her screen again "You two can walk through, room 369." she said a little agitated. I turned and walked towards what I thought were the elevators."Do I have to wonder why you know the names of Alan's daughter and fiancé?" he looked puzzled. "No wait, another question first. How do you know my cousin is engaged to her." I laughed "As a famous person once told me, I'm not putting all my cards on the table for you". Dan rolled his eyes "Do I have to ask who that was?". "Nope" I said while walking into one of the elevators.

I knocked on Alan's room door. "Come in" we heard coming from the room. I pushed open the door and walked in with Dan following me. "Close the door" I said to Dan. Alan lay in bed, half upright with a large bandage on his head and his arm in a sling. When he saw me, I saw slight panic in his eyes."H..How do you get in here?" stuttering, he wanted to sit up straighter. "You're not the only one doing research" I grinned at him."Tell me Alan, how are you? A lot of pain?"."It's okay" he replied a bit confused, looking at his sling. "Perfect, than you can tell me where they're holding Jake!" I took a step closer. "How am I supposed to know? And if I did, I won't tell you." he tried to sound intimidating. But I quickly got rid of that when I put my hand on his collarbone, the one where his arm is in a sling and started squeezing gently. "Well Alan, maybe you should think again."I squeezed a little harder, making him wince. "Really? You're going to act like the men who have Jake?" he tried.

"I call it fighting fire with fire" I bent down so only he could hear me, and as my grip only got tighter "You're going to tell me where they're holding Jake. Cause I won't just do permanent damage to your collarbone. If you want to see the next day, you will answer me!" I hiss in his ear. "Okay, okay I'll answer." he sighed in defeat. He took out his phone and showed us a message with the address. Dan took a picture of it. "Thank you, Alan, was that so difficult?" I shrugged my shoulders "Oh there's one more thing. When we leave the room, you're going make sure Phil is locked up before tomorrow. I don't care how, as long as you do it.". All he did was nod in agreement. "Great! then we understand each other. And don't fuck with me." Dan just looked at me as we walked out of the room. That was no different in the elevator. "Jeez Dan, tell me what's wrong?". "Remind me to never piss you off." he laughs.

[phantasticworks]

If You Don’t Love Me, Pretend - Chapter Nineteen

Four months without uploading she comes back with a new chapter! Thank you so much for your patience i love you guys! I don’t know that I’ll be going back to my previous weekly posting schedule with everything going on in my life right now, but I hope this can tide you guys over until I can finish the story! 

read on ao3

Words: 11.5k

Summary: Dan and Phil have some talks about parenting and make plans. 

Warnings for this chapter: swearing and a disgusting amount of fluff 

It's a few days later when Dan finds himself in his office at school, looking over the schedule change requests that he's received over the past week. He's just added another to the pile of finished requests when his work phone starts trilling on the desk by his elbow.

“Hello, you’ve reached the office of Daniel Howell at Queensbury Secondary School, how can I-”

“Dan, it’s me,” Phil’s voice interrupts him. “Is this a- a bad time?”

"Oh! Sorry, yes- I mean no, it’s a fine time. A great time. I’m just going through some forms. What’s up? Is everything okay?”

"Yeah, everything's fine." Phil clears his throat and there's a pause that Dan doesn't know what to make of. "I’ve been meaning to ask you something."

Dan feels the tendrils of anxiety gripping at his chest now. "Okay," he says slowly, setting his papers down in front of him. "What is it?"

Phil doesn't waste any time. "Well- okay, I don’t particularly want to go, but I know you’re interested in everything that goes on with mental health charities and you told me about the thing you wanted to do at the school, and I think that’s really cool and maybe this will give you a chance to network with people already involved and-”

Dan can’t help but laugh at the rambling words, tripping over themselves in their haste. “Spit it out, bub, what’s your question?”

Phil takes a shaky breath. “So, the BBC is doing a fundraising event for a mental health charity. I wanted to know if you'd like to attend with me." His words are quick and short, like the request is a time bomb and he’ll explode if he doesn’t get it all out at once.

It takes Dan a moment to process the request, and when he does, a stupid part of his brain wants to ask for clarification on the nature of this joint outing. But he's not about to ask Phil if it's a date because that would be both ridiculous and mortifying, and besides, he already knows with his rational brain that it isn't. "When is it?" he asks instead.

"It's next Friday, a week from today."

Dan is opening his calendar as Phil speaks, checking to see if they have any prior events scheduled. They don't, which isn't too strange for a Friday night. He chews on his lip as he considers the offer. He's really interested in mental health charities and it would be great to get some more information about how they work and network with some of the people who actually work there. He's been trying to get the school board to approve a mental health support group for the secondary school for over a year, something only Phil and Louise are aware of. This would be perfect. The only thing holding him back...

"You know we'd have to deal with your nosy coworkers the whole night? And it'll be different being couple-y around other adults," Dan informs him. "I'm not saying I don't want to go, but..."

"I don't care. I think we can handle it, and I honestly don't care what they think about how we're acting or aren't acting." Phil's voice is firm and sure, and Dan wonders if he expected Dan to object for this very reason. "I want you there with me, if you want to be."

Dan smiles down at his desk at this. "Okay."

"You'll go?" Phil sounds mildly surprised, but overall very pleased.

"Yeah. I'd love to go with you."

Phil lets out what sounds like a relieved breath. "Okay. Perfect."

"I'd say see you then, but we live together," Dan jokes. He grins when he hears Phil snort.

"Bye, Dan. I'll see you at home later. Drive safe."

"Bye, Phil."

~~~

It's not until Dan gets home that evening that he realizes that in order for them to go out for an evening by themselves, they'll have to find someone to babysit the kids. It's a strange thought, suddenly. They hadn't really had a situation yet where neither of them could watch the kids, and it was strange to think that he was at the point in his life where he needed to enlist the help of another adult outside of his family to watch his children. He wasn't sure how he felt about it.

After sending all three of the kids off to do their homework, Dan makes his way to the kitchen to sort out their dinner plans for the evening. He's perusing their selection in the pantry when he hears the front door click shut. Rather than go to meet Phil at the door, Dan makes the executive decision to have pasta for dinner, moving over to the fridge to make sure they have everything they need.

"Hey," Phil greets from behind him.

Dan glances over, smiling at him. "Hi. Good day at work?"

Phil shrugs, dropping his jacket on the back of a chair haphazardly before coming to rifle through the cabinet next to Dan. "It was alright, yeah. How was yours?"

"Just another day. Nothing that exciting, I guess." He closes the fridge without looking inside, turning to rest his palm against the counter beside it as he studies Phil. "So, we need to find someone to watch the kids on Friday."

It takes Phil a few more minutes of rummaging through the shelves before he glances at Dan. "Alright. I can ask Martyn if he's busy?"

Dan nods. "That's fine. If he can't, we can find someone else” Dan snorts then, a thought occurring. “Honestly, it’s an hour from here to Reading, Mum could come babysit if we really needed her to."

"Sure." Phil turns to face him with a smile, revealing a little bag of mini marshmallows. He stares Dan dead in the eyes as he rips it open and pops a handful of the colorful treats into his mouth.

Dan quirks a brow, crossing his arms. "You insolent shit, you're spoiling your dinner," he chastises, chewing on the corner of his lip to hide his smile.

Phil shrugs as his hand sneaks back up to his mouth. "Want some?" He offers.

Rolling his eyes, Dan lets out a huff. "You're a child," he says, hauling himself to sit up on the counter as he holds a hand out. "Give me some pink ones, they're the best."

The sheepish grin that lights up Phil's face is definitely worth spoiling his appetite. He steps between Dan’s legs and carefully pours out a small handful of marshmallow treats into Dan's palm, and then proceeds to pick out the white and blue ones for himself. Dan's chest is flooded with warmth as he watches the childlike glee on his best friend's face. It's immensely precious, a secret thought he holds close to his heart.

"I don't think they actually taste any different," Phil's saying. Dan barely hears him. "I'm pretty sure they all just taste of marshmallows. Like, vanilla, or whatever it is that marshmallows taste of."

“Mhm,” Dan hums, the pink marshmallow dust sweet on his lips as he enjoys his coveted snack.

~~~

"Could you pause your game, guys? We wanted to have a chat with you about something," Dan says. He and Phil had agreed that they needed to go ahead and tell the kids about their plans to leave them with a sitter for an evening, so they could go ahead and get used to the idea now. So, after finishing their covert snack, they'd gone upstairs where the twins were deep in a Mario Kart race, Levi coaching them both from the armchair.

At Dan's words, the three of them exchange a series of panicked looks. He'd nearly laugh if his heart didn't break at how the connotation of a "talk" has truly traumatized them forever.

"Everything’s fine, we promise," Phil prefaces, moving to sit on the sofa closest to the stairs. Dan follows, perching on the arm beside him. Almost without thinking, Phil drapes his arm over Dan's thighs, while Dan's arm falls to Phil's shoulder.

"Okay..." Levi says. Jaiden pauses the game and drops the joy-con, turning to face Dan and Phil completely. "Are we in trouble?" He asks.

Dan tilts his head to the side, smiling. "Have you done something to be in trouble for?"

Levi looks confused but shakes his head. "I don't think so?" He sounds unsure.

Phil nudges Dan's stomach with his elbow, gently digging into his skin. "You're not in trouble, bub, no. But, we just wanted to tell you guys that a week from today, Dan and I have an event to attend. So, we'll be finding a sitter to come stay with you that evening."

Amelia immediately perks up. "Can it be Miss Louise?" She asks excitedly.

Smirking, Dan shares a look with Phil. "We'll see. We might ask Phil's brother Martyn and his wife Cornelia to do it, but if they can't, we'll see if Louise will."

She doesn't look particularly happy about it, but Amelia nods in understanding. Jaiden doesn't seem too bothered either way, his hands twitching towards the joy-con as he clearly waits for them to say that was all.

Glancing at Levi, Dan can tell immediately that they're not all on board with the idea. "Levi? Would you be alright with that? It would only be for a few hours."

Levi shrugs, then shakes his head. "Why can't I watch them?" He asks, gesturing vaguely to his siblings. "I'm fifteen, I could stay here and take care of them."

Dan shares a look with Phil. They hadn't considered this. But, knowing each other as long as they have, their mental-symbiosis gives Dan the idea that maybe it wouldn't be the best idea, or at least they needed to discuss it in more detail first.

"We'd prefer to have someone else be here with you," Phil says carefully. "If there’s an emergency or something, we think it'd be best to have an adult here."

Levi shrugs, staring down at his feet and saying nothing.

“But, we’ll consider it, yeah?” Dan adds, sending Phil an imploring look. The older man shrugs, but nods. “Just give us some time to talk about it before we make a decision.”

“Okay,” Levi answers.

Dan moves his arm to pat Phil’s chest. “Let’s go start dinner.”

Phil nods, allowing Dan to drag him from the sofa and off towards the stairs. Dan’s mind is already building a pros and cons list for Levi’s request, so it’s not until they’re already downstairs that he realizes he and Phil are still holding hands. A little embarrassed, Dan releases his grip, mumbling something about starting some pasta.

"So, do you reckon we really ought to consider letting Levi stay here alone with them?" Phil asks quietly, moving to pull two wine glasses from their cupboard.

Humming, Dan pulls a box of pasta from the pantry, looking for a jar of pasta sauce and huffing when he can't find it. "I think we owe it to him to at least have a conversation about it, yeah."

A contemplative silence settles over the kitchen, punctuated by the sound of Phil pouring wine into the glasses. Dan finally spots the jar of sauce, hiding behind a box of crackers. He sets it beside the pasta before moving to the other side of Phil to rummage through the cupboard for a sauce pan.

"Honestly... As long as he keeps his phone on him, and checks in with us fairly often throughout the night... I wouldn't mind him watching them."

Dan's head snaps up at this, and he stares at Phil in surprise. He hadn't expected Phil to actually be on board with the idea. He tries to school his expression into something more neutral as he fills the pan with water and sets it on the stove, clearing his throat before speaking. "Yeah? It doesn't bother you?"

Phil hands him a glass of wine, shrugging. "Not really. I trust him to be responsible. I mean, we let him stay home from school by himself and he was fine."

Dan chews his lip as he stares at the water. He's not sure how to voice his opinion on this without sounding like he doesn't also think it's probably a good idea. "This is different, though," he says gently, blinking up at Phil. "We'd be holding him accountable for two children."

"I mean, yeah. But, I think he loves them enough that he'd keep them safe and be responsible with them." Phil pauses then, a flicker of uncertainty in his eyes. "Are you... Do you think maybe we shouldn't let him?"

Taking a sip of the wine, Dan waves a hand dismissively. "That's not it," he says after he's swallowed. "I actually don't think it's a bad idea, I just... I don't know, I just didn't expect you to be so on board with it." He tries not to sound accusing. It's not an accusation.

Phil shrugs, scratching a fingernail against the counter absently. "Am I usually that strict?" He sounds sad, or maybe nervous.

Dan smiles softly. Reaching out, he tugs on the pocket of Phil's hoodie, dragging him closer and resting his head on Phil's shoulder. "Not exactly. Sometimes you're just more cautious about them than I am. You think through the situations more than I do, so sometimes you're a little more reserved about these kinds of things."

There's a soft huff of laughter that ruffles through Dan's curls. "I guess you're right," Phil agrees. He kisses Dan's hairline before gently shrugging him off, moving to grab the pasta to pour it into the boiling water. "So... Have we decided we're okay with letting him stay here with them?"

"I think so, yeah. If you're okay with it." Dan watches him pour the pasta in, reaching for the drawer to hand him a spoon when Phil needs it.

"I am. We'll talk to him after dinner, yeah?"

Dan nods. "Sure."

Phil steps back into his space and wordlessly pulls Dan against his chest again. Dan tucks his hands into Phil's hoodie pocket and hooks his chin over Phil's broad shoulder. Phil wraps his arms around Dan's shoulders and sighs. "You need a haircut," he whispers.

With a snort, Dan tilts his head and bites at a lock of Phil's hair. "So do you, mate."

"Can you call for a hair appointment tomorrow?" Phil requests, his voice a little timid.

Dan can't help but smile at this. Phil's grown his confidence over the years they've known each other, but there were lots of times after first settling into their friendship that he would ask Dan to make calls for him, always claiming he was too forgetful or lazy to do it himself. It took a couple years for Dan to understand the real reason.

"Phil? You alright?" Dan had asked through the bathroom door. Phil had been retching on the other side for close to five minutes now, and Dan was panicking, completely out of his element here. He was barely twenty, he didn't know how to really take care of anyone when they're ill, not like this.

"I'm fine," Phil had called weakly.

"You sound kind of… not fine," Dan had countered, trying for gentle.

It had taken a little while, but eventually Phil caved. "Could you call my mum?"

"Er- yeah? What- why do you need to speak to your mum?" Dan had been completely confused by then. Phil was a massive mumma's boy, but in the year or so they'd properly lived together, Dan had never known him to call her while he was ill.

"I just- please, Dan." Phil had sounded so pitiful, but Dan was more worried now than before.

"Can you let me in, Phil?" Dan had asked softly.

Phil did, but he did not seem pleased by it. He looked everywhere but at Dan, settling back against the tiled floor of the bathroom and closing his eyes weakly. "I need mum to call in a prescription for me."

Dan's brows had crinkled in confusion. "For what?" Before Phil could answer, Dan had remembered Phil mentioning his terrible migraines, and vaguely remembered him coming home with a little white paper bag from the pharmacy. "Your migraines?"

Phil nodded mutely.

“I can call it in. Where's your phone?"

Phil had barely had the energy to look surprised, but after Dan found the phone and called the prescription in, he went about making Phil some soup and doing his best to take care of him as well as he could, with his limited knowledge. Later that evening, with Buffy playing in the background, Phil had quietly told Dan that he had sometimes found it extremely difficult to do phone calls or things like that. “I know it’s stupid and- and everyone else thinks it’s easy, but it honestly just makes me feel so bad that I’d rather just. Not."

"I wish you would have told me," Dan had mumbled. "I can make calls for you. It doesn't bother me."

Many years later, though, and now Dan understands the extent of Phil's social anxiety better than he did back then. Phil does as well, which makes it a bit easier for him to try and get a grip on it, but still, he sometimes struggles. But Dan's always there to help when that happens, and he can't imagine there ever being a time when he isn't.

"Sure. We probably need to get Levi and Jai's done while we're at it." Dan laughs a little before adding, "I reckon we should see if Mia would like a trim, too. God knows that child can't stand to be left out." He smiles against Phil's shoulder when he hears him giggle.

"She really can't, can she?" He muses, his fingers playing idly with the ends of Dan's hair.

"Mm," Dan hums in vague agreement. He sighs before pulling out of Phil's grip to stir the pasta. He pouts when Phil fully steps away, grabbing his glass of wine and taking a large sip. Dan's about to tease him when he hears the unmistakable sound of the twins thundering down the stairs. He rolls his eyes as Phil huffs, clearly slightly agitated at their inability to remember that they shouldn't run inside. "Is it really even worth it to keep chastising them about it?" Dan asks, sipping his own wine.

Phil snorts. "It's the principle of the thing, Daniel."

Still, when the twins burst into the kitchen, Phil doesn't say a word. Dan smirks at him, but Phil pretends he doesn't notice.

"What's for dinner?" Amelia asks, tapping her hands in an off-beat rhythm on the table.

"Spaghetti," Dan tells her, glancing over his shoulder and finding Jaiden staring out the balcony door, probably at his pigeons. He turns to look at Phil, gesturing to their son. "Will you help him with the birds? It's been a few days since we've put seed out."

Phil nods, and Dan focuses on checking to see if the pasta's done. He hears Phil grabbing the bag of bird seed, instructing the twins out the door and onto the balcony. They're gone for several minutes, and when they come back in, Dan glances over at them with a small smile.

"I don't know, Jai-bird. I can't really tell if the birds are girls or boys, but you can name them whatever you want anyway," Phil is saying.

Jaiden seems to consider this. "Could I just name all the fat ones Behemoth?"

Dan snorts.

"Uh, sure, bubby. Whatever you want." Phil sends Dan a baffled look, and Dan only shrugs, grinning.

Amelia and Jaiden settle at the table, arguing over pigeon names, while Phil returns back to the stove, rolling his eyes. Dan smirks, poking Phil in the stomach gently. "Did you find one thicc bird?"

Phil wrinkles his nose delicately. "Ew. Don't say that."

Dan giggles helplessly, stepping away when Phil gestures to the pasta, obviously intending on draining it. He gets as far as the sink, but as soon as he sets the pan down in order to grab the strainer, a little wave of water splashes over the side and onto his hand. "Shit!" he squeals, his eyes flying wide immediately after, glancing between the twins and Dan in a panic.

Amelia gasps. "You said a Daddy word!" She shouts gleefully.

Ducking forward, Dan quickly takes the pan away and turns the cool water on, taking Phil's injured hand and sticking it under the stream. He prays Phil's too stunned to register what she said.

"I'm sorry, I- wait, what?" Phil's head snaps to the side and he glares at Dan.

Well, shit.

"A Daddy word," Amelia repeats, pointing at Dan, as if naming him isn't enough condemnation for her. Dan sends her a dirty look. She just giggles.

"Daniel," Phil starts, enunciating carefully to be heard over the sound of the faucet. "Have you been swearing in front of our children?"

"No!" Dan protests. Phil quirks a disbelieving brow at that. "Okay, well, maybe. But not on purpose! And it was only once," Dan amends.

"Nuh-uh," Amelia argues from the table. "It was twice!"

Dan shoots her a pleading look. "Amelia! Whose side are you even on?"

She hides her laughter behind her hand. "Sorry!" She most certainly does not sound like she means it.

"Hm," Phil hums, sounding unimpressed. "Someone's sleeping on the sofa," he decides.

Dan knows he's kidding, but he plays along, wrapping his arms around Phil and whining. "But... Philll."

"Nope. Shut it, you." Phil tries to keep a straight face as he strains the pasta and returns it to the pan.

Dan releases him long enough for him to get it back to the stove and pour in the sauce, and then he's right back behind him, his arms wrapped around Phil's waist as he nuzzles against Phil's back. "Phil," he starts, voice saccharine sweet. "It's really just a misunderstanding, you know."

"I fail to see how," Phil quips.

Pressing a trail of kisses across Phil's shoulder blades, Dan hums. "I didn't mean to. If I did, in fact, swear in front of them, I assure you it was just an accident. Hypothetically"

Phil seems unconvinced. Dan gently bites at his shoulder. "Yeah, alright. But no more swearing in front of them or we're doing a swear jar."

Dan smiles, kissing the spot he bit. Phil shivers. Dan smirks.

"And," Phil adds, his voice just a touch louder. "You have to make me coffee in the morning. And take the bins out."

At this, Dan scoffs, pulling away enough that Phil can turn around to face him. "No way," Dan argues. "It's your turn to do bins!"

Phil is unwavering, giving Dan a smug smile as he holds up his burnt hand. "I'm injured, babe. Out of commission."

Dan glares. Holding eye contact, he leans toward Phil's hand, nipping gently at the side of Phil's hand.

"Ow," Phil says, with absolutely no conviction.

"That's what I think of you blackmailing me like this," Dan informs him, resigned to his fate.

Phil uses his hand, still just a breath away from Dan's face, to pull Dan's face closer so he can press a kiss to his cheek. Amelia and Jaiden make synced gagging noises behind them. "Thank you in advance for taking out the bins, darling."

"Shut up."

~~~

After they’ve all sat down for dinner, Dan clears his throat. “Levi, we talked about next Friday,” he begins.

Levi puts his glass down and turns to face him, his gaze darting back and forth between him and Phil. “And?”

Dan can’t help but laugh at his impatience. “You can stay here and watch them. But, you have to keep your phone on you, so we can check on you guys every hour or so, okay?”

“Sure,” Levi agrees, nodding. “How long will you guys be gone?”

Phil shrugs when Dan glances at him for the answer. "The event starts at seven, so probably no later than eleven, maybe earlier. Will you be alright here?"

Levi's eyes twitch into a roll but refocus when he probably realizes they're both watching him. "Yeah. I mean, they'll basically just be asleep after you guys leave."

"Right," Dan nods. He feels slightly more comfortable knowing that. "We'll make dinner or order takeout or whatever before we leave, and then you guys can do whatever after that." He glances over at the twins then, who have been mostly quiet, probably only passively listening. "But, you two still have to listen to your brother, okay?"

Amelia glances up at this. She smiles brightly and nods. Jaiden blinks, but then shrugs, which Dan figures is probably the best agreement he'll get from him. "What if he makes us go to bed early?" Jaiden asks, sparing a peek over at his older brother, who's rolling his eyes.

"Well, your bedtime is nine on weekends. So, you still have to go to bed at nine," Dan tells him.

Phil taps the table, causing both the twins to look up at him. He's got a mischievous look on his face. "Dan's right, bedtime is still nine on weekends. But we won't be here," he says this very slowly, enunciating every word. "So you have to listen to Levi when he tells you to go to bed..." He glances at Levi, grinning. "At nine."

Levi gets it first, smirking. "Right. Nine pm, sharp. Got it."

"Yep. Nine pm." Phil winks at Jaiden, and after a second, the boy seems to catch on, and his eyes widen with his grin.

"Okay!" He says gleefully.

Dan sighs. "Philip," he says, exasperated.

"Daniel," Phil replies on a sigh, his lips curled up in a smile.

"You can't just..." Dan starts, then stops. Phil quirks a brow, unbothered, but Dan decides this is one battle he can lose, as really the twins going to bed a little late isn't going to hurt anyone.

"What?" Phil asks, almost challenging.

"Nothing," Dan says, dropping his head to rest on his hand. "Nothing at all."

Phil smiles at him, shaking his head before turning back to finish his dinner. "This might be a little premature," he announces after a second, taking a pause then. The kids turn to glance at him, all of them taking a pause from eating at the tone of his voice. If Dan had his phone on him, it would make a hilariously creepy photo.

"Well, go on, then," Dan prompts. "Don't leave us hanging."

With a barely-concealed grin, Phil sets his fork down, clasping his hands together and studying each of their faces carefully. "This might be a little premature," he repeats. "But who would like to start thinking about what's for dessert?"

~~~

Later that night, after all the kids are tucked in, Dan and Phil find themselves getting ready for bed together, going through their usual nightly routine with big yawns and shared smiles. Phil passes Dan his medication and Dan makes sure Phil removes his contacts, and when they’re finished in the bathroom, Dan leads the way to their bed. He yawns as he flicks off his lamp and crawls beneath the covers, blinking in the low light of the room.

“Are you staying up?” He asks once Phil’s settled on his side of the bed.

“Mm. No, I’m exhausted, actually,” Phil hums in response.

Dan gestures vaguely to the lamp still shining on Phil’s nightstand. “Mind turning that off?”

Phil is quiet as he rolls over and pulls the chain, sending the room into pitch darkness. Dan blinks quickly, forcing his eyes to readjust to the sound of Phil shifting around on the bed, trying to get comfy.

“Cuddle?” Phil asks, his hand rubbing up and down Dan’s arm.

Frowning a bit, Dan shakes his head sheepishly. “I’m not really in a cuddly mood tonight bub, sorry.”

“Oh,” Phil sounds surprised. “Okay, that’s fine.” He sounds like he means it.

Dan gently catches Phil’s hand as he retracts it, bringing his knuckles up to his lips for a gentle kiss. Phil lets out a soft sigh at the contact, and Dan smiles against his skin before releasing his hand.

They lay in silence for several moments before Phil speaks. “You’re not upset with me or anything, are you?” He asks, his voice unmistakably nervous.

“No, not at all,” Dan assures him. “I dunno, I’m just... feeling kinda sweaty, don’t really wanna be snuggled. I’m not mad at you.”

“Alright,” Phil replies. A few seconds pass before he says, “I reckon the kids are excited for Friday.”

Dan smiles. “Yeah, cause you had to go and basically tell Levi to let them stay up late. I’d be excited too,” he says teasingly.

Phil giggles. “Sorry about that. But I honestly think they’ll crash early anyway, just out of habit.”

Shrugging, Dan rolls to blink up at where the ceiling would be if it wasn’t too dark to see anything. “For Levi’s sake, I hope they do.” He chews his lip, his mind swirling with a couple thoughts he’s been considering the last few days. “Do you think maybe Levi is still uncomfortable living here?”

“Hm...” Phil considers it for a few minutes before he answers. “I think... maybe he’s having a harder time adjusting than the twins did.”

Dan nods, wincing when he accidentally chews through the skin on his lip, drawing a little blood. He smacks his lips against the metallic taste, nearly gagging as he tries to speak. “Maybe we should try to spend some more one-on-one time with him,” Dan suggests then.

“Maybe. We could go see a movie together or something? The twins could stay with my brother,” Phil offers.

“That might be nice. Do you think he’d even want to spend more time with us?”

Phil laughs at that. “I mean, honestly... if I was his age, I probably wouldn’t. I’d just want to have my own space and be left alone.”

Dan considers this for a while, and they’re both silent long enough that he wonders if Phil’s fallen asleep. The question is answered for him when Phil scoots closer and drops a kiss on Dan’s temple. “Don’t think too hard, love. We’ll figure something out.”

“Yeah,” Dan agrees passively. “We can maybe ask him about it tomorrow, see if there’s anything we can do to make him feel more at home or something. Do you reckon he’s just missing some of his old stuff?”

Phil yawns. “Maybe. Dunno what we’d do about that.”

Dan nods to himself before patting around until he finds Phil’s hand. He laces their fingers together before nudging at Phil’s shoulder, prompting him to roll over to face the door, allowing Dan to be the big spoon.

“Thought you didn’t want a snuggle,” Phil mumbles.

Dan shushes him. Phil snickers.

“Love you,” Dan murmurs against Phil’s hair a moment later, eyes drifting shut. He’s almost hoping Phil didn’t hear him, the words isolated and completely defenseless.

Phil releases Dan’s hand long enough to reach back and squeeze Dan’s hip gently in a fond gesture. “Love you too. Goodnight.”

~~~

There’s a tapping noise coming from either inside Dan’s skull, or perhaps the door. He realizes, somewhere in his soup brain, that it’s probably the door, but given he’s only slightly awake, he’s not completely positive. It stops and starts a few times, and eventually enough is enough.

They’d separated from their cuddle at some point and Phil is flopped out on his back, while Dan’s curled up on his side. Dan nudges Phil’s hip with his knee in an attempt to wake him. “Phil,” he mumbles. No response. “Phil.” Dan punctuates this with a sort of gentle kick to the shin

“Ow,” comes the mumbled response.

“Phil,” Dan whines, exasperated.

“Hm?”

“Door. Go see who’s at the door.”

Phil smacks his lips loudly in his nearly asleep state. “‘M asleep,” he rebuttals.

And really that leaves Dan only one choice.

“Dan!” Phil nearly screeches, flailing on the bed, suddenly blanket-less and exposed to the sharp chill of the room.

Dan hums innocently from where he’s confiscated all their covers. “Go. Door.”

“Why didn’t you get it?” Phil grumbles, even as he willingly climbs out of bed.

Snuggling down into the blankets, Dan sighs. “You were closer.”

Dan listens to Phil’s footsteps and then the sound of the door creaking open. His ears perk up like some weird superpower when he hears sniffling, followed by a tiny, “dad?”

“Oh, come here, Mia,” is Phil’s answering response. Dan imagines Phil wrapping her up in a hug then, and his heart is gripped with longing and fondness.

“I’m scared of the storm,” Amelia admits between shaky breaths.

“That’s okay,” Phil tells her kindly. “You can come sleep with us, baby. Come on.”

“It’s dark in here,” Amelia whispers as Phil leads her to the bed.

“Hold on, love.” There’s the feeling of the bed dipping, then the click of the lamp turning on. Dan scoots back on the bed to make room, holding out his arms with a tired smile, relinquishing some of his covers. Phil climbs back into bed behind her, pulling the blankets to cover himself as well.

“Night, babygirl,” Dan whispers to Amelia, dropping a kiss to the top of her head before letting his eyes drift shut once more.

His serenity lasts for only a few seconds before he feels something poke his chest. “Daddy?” Amelia whispers. “Are you asleep?”

Dan hums. “Mm. Not anymore,” he jokes.

It seems to go over Amelia’s head, as she replies with a quiet, “oh, sorry.”

Shaking his head, Dan brings her to his chest, checking that the blanket is tucked up evenly around her. “It’s okay, love. Are you warm enough?”

“Mhm,” she replies. “But daddy... I left my stuffy in my room.” She sounds positively devastated.

Dan, who had almost fallen back asleep in the time it took her to say that, tries to push out of the haze of sleep to think up a response. “Mm. Do you have to have it?”

“Yeah,” she whispers.

He sighs. “Alright.” Clearing his throat, he blinks over at his co-parent. “Phil. Babe, Mia left her plushy in her room and needs you to go grab it.”

Phil lets out an exasperated sigh. “Dan,” he states, calm but on the verge of annoyance.

“You already got up and lost some of the warm, you’ll be fine.”

“I hate you,” Phil informs him, squinting over at him in the low light of the lamp that still hasn’t been turned back off.

Dan smiles. “I love you too. Get the bear.”

“It’s an elephant,” Amelia corrects softly.

“Yeah, that,” Dan agrees. “Get her elephant.”

Phil makes a huffing noise and leans down to ruffle Amelia’s hair. “You two are lucky I love you both so much,” he says with a resigned sigh.

Dan dimples up at him, endlessly fond. “Thank you, dear,” he calls after him as Phil makes his way out of the room.

Amelia rolls over to blink up at Dan with shiny, tired eyes. “We’ve got a good dad,” she tells him thoughtfully.

Kissing the top of her head gently, Dan smiles. “Yeah, I reckon we do.”

A few minutes later, Phil returns with the plushy in hand. He leaves the door cracked open, and when Dan quirks an eyebrow at him, he shrugs. “Just in case Jaiden wakes up and gets scared.”

Dan’s lips quirk into a soft smile as he nods. “Good idea.”

Amelia holds her little hands out for the elephant, which Phil hands to her before tucking her in. He stays standing beside the bed for a moment, his fingers tapping against his thigh in a jittery sort of fashion.

“Are you coming back to bed?” Dan asks, his tone teasing.

Phil glances at him, shrugging. “I’m debating.”

“On?” Dan asks when Phil doesn’t elaborate.

Phil gives Dan a pitiful look, bringing his hand to rest on his belly. “I’m hungry.”

Dan rolls his eyes. “You’re not eating in bed in the middle of the night.”

Phil pouts. “Not even a little snack? Just a biscuit?”

“Absolutely not,” Dan snorts, indignant.

There’s a sigh, and Phil pulls the covers back, sliding underneath, resigned. Amelia shifts closer to him and whispers something in his ear. Phil’s eyes widen in surprise before he looks to Dan, his face full of glee. “Is that right?” He says, voice teasing.

“What are you two whispering about?” Dan mumbles, feeling very left out.

Amelia glances over her shoulder at him, giving him a very pitiful face. “Nothing,” she says, smiling innocently.

Phil grins before sitting up, reaching over Amelia to gently pet Dan’s hair, definitely a gesture of someone who wants something. “Dan,” he begins, his voice already full of smugness.

“No,” Dan interrupts, staring at him resolutely.

“But-“

“Absolutely not. You get crumbs in my bed, you‘re sleeping on the sofa.”

Phil looks absolutely abashed. “But, Daniel, you wouldn’t send our sweet little girl to sleep on the sofa, would you?” The smugness intensifies.

Dan narrows his eyes, his gaze flicking between the two of them. “What did you tell him, Mia?”

She smiles, patting Dan’s arm gently. “I asked if I could have just a tiny snack. A little one.”

Phil blinks at Dan pointedly. “And how can we say no to her? What kind of parents are we if we let her go hungry?”

Dan snorts at that. “Both of you finished your dinner and had dessert. I don’t think either of you are going hungry.”

“Daddy, just a little snack? We’ll bring you one too,” Amelia pleads, her little brown eyes so full of hope and innocence. Dan has no will against it.

“Fine.” They cheer quietly before he shushes them. “But,” he continues. “You can’t eat in here. I’m not kidding about crumbs in my sheets. Eat it in the kitchen, alright?”

Amelia nods excitedly before climbing over Phil, already desperate for the promise of food. Phil looks positively delighted as he leans over to press a kiss to Dan’s cheek. “You’re the best,” he says happily.

“Mhm,” Dan grumbles, waving them away.

Phil glances over at him, tilting his head to the side a bit. “You coming?”

Dan smiles at him gently, shaking his head. “Nah. I think this should be your thing with her. I don’t think I’m the midnight snack parent here.”

Something fond crosses Phil’s face, and he glances over to where Amelia is waiting for him by the door, scared to go to the kitchen by herself probably. “Alright. Want us to bring you something?”

Snorting, Dan shakes his head again. “I’m not breaking my own eating in bed rules, so that’ll be a no. But keep it quiet, yeah? I don’t want everyone in this house to know the sin you two are up to.”

Phil sticks his tongue out and Amelia covers her giggle with her elephant. “Be right back, then.”

Dan nods and gets comfy while they disappear down the hallway. He listens for a while at the quiet sounds of them whispering, and he’s glad the kitchen is closer to their room rather than the twins’ room. He hears what sounds like clinks of spoons and he guesses they’re probably having cereal. He wants to snort at the predictability of his best friend, but even sitting a room away he can’t pretend to be anything other than fond.

When they return, Phil’s carrying Amelia, who is sleepy and smiley in his arms. He’s got a wide grin on his face, and Dan can’t help but return it when they climb into bed. “Good snack?” He asks.

Phil nods and Amelia giggles. “We had some cereal,” she informs him.

Dan looks Phil dead in the eyes, giving him the most bland look he can muster. “Shocker,” he says, deadpan.

They maintain eye contact for just a moment before bursting into a fit of laughter. Amelia looks confused, but happy.

“You and your cereal-thiefing ways,” Dan mumbles, raising his arm and letting Amelia snuggle up to him. Phil looks down at the bed with a sheepish grin as he lays down. “Night, Mia. Love you.” Dan punctuates his words with a kiss to the top of her head.

“Night, daddy,” she mumbles, clearly already on the verge of sleep.

Phil blinks at him expectantly. Dan rolls his eyes. Phil pouts.

Leaning over Amelia carefully, Dan sloppily kisses Phil’s cheekbone. “I love you too, you absolute toddler,” he says, voice dripping with sarcasm.

Phil looks more than pleased when Dan pulls away. Dan watches as he snuggles down under the cover, tucking the blanket around their daughter carefully before closing his eyes. “Love you, Dan,” he mumbles when enough time has passed that Dan honestly thinks he may have already fallen asleep.

Dan blinks the moisture from his eyes. “Goodnight, bub,” he murmurs, the sound of Phil’s deep breaths already filling the silence.

~~~

Saturday is the same uneventful sort of day as it usually is in the Howell-Lester household, the day moving slow with everyone off school and work for the day. Dan is in the kitchen making an early lunch for everyone when Phil walks in, talking on his phone. Dan smiles at him, which Phil returns, a little less enthusiastically.

“Yes, I know, Mum,” he’s speaking into the phone. “I told you, Dan and I needed to think about it. We can’t just force them to go to your house for Christmas, can you imagine how awkward they’d feel?” Phil rolls his eyes as his mum speaks, probably chastising him for keeping her grandchildren away from her.

Dan can’t help but wince on Phil’s behalf. It’s strange enough suddenly being parental figures for three children, but add in the fabrication of their romantic relationship and, well, Phil’s family is feeling very left out of the loop, despite the fact that they’ve met the kids over FaceTime countless times. Dan knows the other man is holding onto what’s left of his sanity by a thread at this point, with all the pressure from his mum and the obvious obstacles that come with parenting. Dan definitely doesn’t envy his situation right now.

“Right. But there’s five of us now, mum.” Phil sends Dan a pleading look, and Dan can’t help but snicker. Phil rolls his eyes and pinches the bridge of his nose. He hardly ever gets cross with his mum, so Dan knows something else must be bothering him. “I’ll talk with Dan about it, okay? I can’t make any promises, though. I...” he looks over at Dan then, something conflicting flashing across his face. “I have to put the kids first now, mum. We’ll see how they feel about it, okay?”

Dan tears his gaze away, focusing back on the sandwiches he’s meant to be crafting. He listens as Phil says his goodbyes, quietly murmuring for Phil to tell Kath he loves and misses her on Dan’s behalf. Phil relays the message and hangs up. A long sigh escapes his mouth then, and Dan can’t help but glance over at him.

Phil looks exhausted. His eyes are tired and his shoulders are slouched in a way that Kathryn would be rather appalled by. Dan’s heart feels a stab of sympathy for him.

“Rough talk?” He murmurs, trying to be careful with his inflection. He doesn’t want Phil to think he actually knows what they were discussing, even though he does.

“Yeah,” Phil whispers after a while. “Mum wants us to come to hers for Christmas.” Dan nods, staying quiet as he clears up the mess he’d made of the counter. Phil sighs again. “I don’t know what to tell her.”

Dan waits to see if there’s more, and when it’s clear that there’s not, he turns to face him, leaning on the counter. “Well, do you want to?”

“Do I want to what?” Phil asks, bewildered.

“Go to your family’s house for Christmas,” Dan elaborates, keeping his tone neutral.

Phil looks surprised, like he hadn’t thought to actually consider it. “I... well, I don’t know. I hadn’t really thought about it. I mean, I’m hoping we still have the kids by then.”

Dan hates the stab of fear he feels at the implication that there might be an alternative to that, but he forces it down, smiling and stepping closer to wrap his arms around Phil’s waist in a hug. He thinks idly about how this is their first hug of the day. “I reckon we ought to at least consider it.”

“Hold on, wouldn’t your mum be upset if we went to mine instead of hers for Christmas?” Phil asks, almost sounding accusatory.

Dan snorts, pulling away. “Not likely. She’d want to see us, sure, but their big family Christmas dinner is always the Saturday after anyway.”

“Oh,” Phil says, somewhat surprised. “You’ve never told me about that,” he sounds offended.

“I guess it never crossed my mind?” Dan replies, a little puzzled as to why Phil seems to care. “Either way, my mum wouldn’t be fussed.”

Phil looks away as he considers it. Dan steps out of his personal space to give him room to think, moving around the kitchen and setting the table for lunch. Finally, Phil says, “I’ve never not been at my family’s house for Christmas Day.” He whispers it, like he’s ashamed.

Dan turns to glance at him, raising an eyebrow in surprise. “Yeah?” He says lightly, prompting him to elaborate if he wants.

“I don’t want to force the kids to go somewhere else if it’ll make them uncomfortable,” he continues quietly. “And I don’t want to not see my parents on Christmas, but…” He takes a breath, looking up at Dan with something vulnerable in his eyes. “I won’t leave you alone with the kids on Christmas.”

“Well...” Dan pauses to consider their options. “We could invite your family here, just for Christmas Day. Or we could speak to the kids and ask how they feel about Isle of Man for a holiday. You never know, Phil, they might actually want to go. They’ve met Kath enough through calls and all that, I really don’t think they would mind going.”

Phil nods slowly, his eyes becoming a little unfocused as he spaces out, deep in thought.

Before they can reach any sort of agreement, the twins come barreling into the kitchen, followed by their older brother, who looks vaguely apologetic. Whatever thoughtful silence that had existed in the kitchen before is completely gone when they enter.

“I tried to tell them not to run,” Levi says, shrugging.

At the same time, Amelia grabs the back of a chair, hopping up and down behind it as she asks, “What’s for lunch?”

Jaiden is the only quiet one, drifting to the balcony doors and gluing his face to the glass to watch for his pigeon friends.

Dan sighs, somewhere between content and exasperated. “We’re having sandwiches,” he tells Amelia. Smiling reassuringly at Levi, he says, “I think it’s a lost cause at this point, really.”

The teenager shrugs before going to sit at the table, glaring at his sister pointedly until she halts her jumping, looking sheepish as she slides into her chair. Dan smiles at this before looking over at Phil, who’s studying the table activity with a look of almost curiosity. Dropping a gentle hand to his arm, Dan waits for his gaze to refocus before speaking. “Love, could you get some drinks while I pass out food?”

Phil nods, offering a partial smile. “Sure.”

Dan waits until Phil’s turned to collect cups before he goes about setting out the plates for everyone, calling Jaiden to the table and promising they can feed the pigeons later.

After everyone has food and a drink, Dan allows himself to have a seat as well, making sure everyone has what they need before tucking into his lunch. The talk at the table varies from school, to video games, and to the excitement of being home alone the following Friday. Phil is much more present now, joking with the twins and listening carefully when Levi speaks. Dan’s so full of such a sense of normalcy that the thought of the true nature of the situation very nearly drifts away entirely.

Eventually everyone is finished eating and Levi offers to help clear everything up after the twins run to play in their room. Dan sees this as a perfect opportunity to ask him about how he’s feeling about his current living situation, and a shared glance with Phil says they’re on the same page. “Sure, bud,” Dan agrees easily. “Why don’t you help Phil clear the table while I put the rest of this stuff away.”

Levi nods, clearing plates away quietly. Phil glances over at Dan rather pointedly and Dan nods. Phil clears his throat, a little bit awkwardly, before speaking. “Levi,” he begins, his tone soft. The teen’s gaze snaps up almost immediately, a deer-in-the-headlights look on his face until something on Phil’s makes him relax slightly. “We were wondering how you’re feeling about living here so far.”

Levi looks vaguely uncomfortable, but shrugs. “Alright, I guess.” He pauses. Then, suspiciously, “Why?”

Dan shrugs from where he’s stood putting the sandwich stuff away. “We just want to make sure we’re doing what we can to make you comfortable here.”

“So, if there’s anything you need or want that we don’t know about, you can tell us and we can work on getting it for you,” Phil explains, giving Levi a bright smile.

Levi seems to consider this. He still looks vaguely suspicious. “Oh... okay. Well, nothing comes to mind.” He clears his throat awkwardly.

“And that’s fine! Just, you know, if you think of anything. You can tell us.” Phil says, giving Dan a soft glance.

Dan nods at him in agreement before turning to smile at Levi. “Yeah. You can always talk to us about anything.”

Levi glances between them, his gaze somewhat confused. “Right... okay.”

Feeling a little awkward at how poorly that seemed to go, Dan clears his throat. “I know it’s awkward for you,” he says quietly, trying not to make Levi feel even worse by having this conversation with Phil there. Levi gives him a wary look. “But we want you to feel at home here, if it’s possible.”

There’s a silence, and Dan turns to tidy the pantry up a little, allowing Levi the space to think or leave if he’s feeling uncomfortable. After a few moments, he sighs. “I... I appreciate that, really,” he says slowly. “But, like... you don’t have to try so hard.”

Dan glances over at him sharply in surprise, his gaze flicking over to find that shock mirrored in Phil’s. “Oh. Okay,” is all Dan’s mouth can come up with.

Levi shrugs awkwardly. “Just... it’s awkward enough, yeah? Like suddenly you two have a teenager to look after, and I mean, I’m glad you let me be with my brother and sister, but you can worry about them, not me.”

It takes a long moment for Dan to process this, and when he does he feels his eyes burn. “Levi...” he starts, his voice pained.

Before Dan can even begin to explain how wrong it is for Levi to think they shouldn’t care about him, Phil speaks. “Levi, no. We’re not- we care about all of you. We didn’t just let you in like some stray off the street, okay? We wanted you here, from the moment we realized that the twins had a brother they’d been separated from.”

Levi looks surprised, as if they hadn’t already tried to relay this information to him before. “I-“

Phil interrupts him, holding a hand up to pause his words. “As awkward as you think this is for us, it’s not. We consider the three of you a part of our family, okay? Not just the twins. You’re just as much our child as they are, and you will be until your case manager decides otherwise. And we want to do things for you, just like we do the twins, if you’ll let us.”

Levi looks actually, properly stunned. He blinks rapidly, his gaze flicking between the two of them before finally dropping to the floor. “Okay.”

Phil’s shoulders seem to relax at that. “Good. Now, go get your things ready so Dan can drive you to your group session.”

Without another word, Levi leaves the room, although he does give Dan a bewildered look as he leaves. Dan shrugs at him, unsure how to explain Phil’s sudden outburst of emotional connection.

Left alone with him, Dan looks over to find Phil leaning back against the counter, rubbing the palms of his hands against his eyes and taking shuddering breaths. Without even thinking, Dan moves over to him, tugging his hands away and sweeping gentle fingers over the tears pouring from Phil’s eyes. “Shh,” Dan whispers when Phil lets out something like a sob. “You’re alright, baby. I’m so proud of you. That- that was such a lovely thing to tell him.”

“I love them so much, Dan,” Phil cries, dropping his head to Dan’s shoulder suddenly. Dan stares at the side of his head in shock. Phil obviously cared for them, but he’d never gotten this openly emotional about his affection for the children before. Seeing it was making Dan sniffle a little as well.

“I know, Phil. I know.” Dan brings one hand up to stroke the back of Phil’s head while the other caresses down his spine.

“I can’t believe Levi thinks he’s- he’s- like, a charity case or something! He’s our son!” Phil’s nearly sobbing now, and Dan tightens his grip.

“Shh. Quiet now, love. Shh, I know,” Dan murmurs soft words as Phil manages to work it out. He was a little out of depth here, as Phil was normally the more rational, less tearful one between the two of them. Apparently today was the exception, however. “You’ll cry yourself into a migraine if you aren’t careful, baby.”

Phil sniffles a few more times after that, finally getting a grip on his emotions. Dan waits for him to pull away first, and when he doesn’t, Dan begins to pepper kisses to his cheek and temple and ear. “Sorry,” Phil whispers.

Dan presses a soft kiss to his earlobe. “Nothing to be sorry for. Everyone cries.”

It’s quiet for a bit, but eventually Phil tilts his head, catching Dan mid-smooch. Dan flushes at their close proximity, but before he can pull away or apologize, Phil tilts forward just enough to peck Dan’s lips with his own. It’s hardly a kiss, more just a brush, but Phil looks completely unapologetic when he pulls away.

“Thank you,” he mumbles, hugging Dan tightly.

Dan’s not sure what he’s thanking him for, so he stays silent. They’re interrupted by the sound of footsteps, and Dan steps carefully out of Phil’s grip. Phil clutches his shirt anyway, and Dan can’t help but smile at that. “Ready to go?” He asks Levi, who’s hovering by the door looking awkward.

“Yeah,” he replies. He looks down, scuffing his shoe against the tile. “Phil?”

Phil looks surprised when he glances over at him. “Yeah?” He says, his voice a little scratchy from crying.

Levi seems to consider his words carefully before replying. “Er- thank you. For what you said earlier.”

“Of course,” Phil says immediately.

The teen nods, not lifting his gaze. Evidently that’s all that he’s got to say.

Dan tilts his head to look at Phil, who looks back at him with a surprised, but proud face. Dan doesn’t even think about holding back, dropping a soft kiss to Phil’s mouth like it’s nothing. Like it doesn’t send his blood racing and his heart stuttering. Like he does it every day.

Phil looks... well, happy. Dan shocks himself with the thought, but his mind only supplies that description of the look on his face when Dan pulls away from the brief kiss. “Drive safe, okay?”

“I will,” Dan nods. He pushes Phil’s quiff up from where it’s drooping. “Need anything while I’m out?”

“Snacks?” Phil asks, his voice sweet.

Dan rolls his eyes. “You’re going to snack yourself into a sugar coma, bub,” he teases.

Phil grins, his tongue caught between his teeth. “And you’ll take care of me while I’m in a coma, right?”

Dan kisses his nose. “If I have to.”

They grin at each other, and somewhere, Dan feels some relief in his heart or mind or the void where his soul should be. It feels a little bit like a fading resolve, or some wall being chipped away at. He feels lighter than he has in weeks, standing in his kitchen banting affectionately with his best friend in the whole world

“Go, he’ll be late,” Phil prompts, pushing Dan away.

“Movie night when we get back?” Dan asks, moving to the door.

Phil smiles and nods excitedly. “And pizza.”

“Perfect. It’s a date.”

~~~

Several hours later, after an overwhelming amount of pizza and a passive watch of Disney’s Hercules, Dan and Phil see the kids off to bed, much to the chagrin of the twins, who for all their complaining, stumble down the stairs like little drunks. Dan teases them for it, and Amelia, predictably, teases him right back, reminding him of the time he tripped down the stairs, stone-cold sober. Much giggling on the twin’s behalf later, after Dan has tried, and failed, to defend himself, the kids finally say their goodnights and head to their bedrooms.

“I’m so tired,” Dan moans the minute he steps into their room. He flops down onto their bed, star-fishing out in that way Phil does that usually annoys him so much.

“Sucks, bub,” Phil chuckles. “Gonna take your jeans off?” He asks, rummaging through their dresser.

Dan considers it. He really is very tired. “Is there some way I could perhaps convince you to do it for me?” He asks sweetly, fluttering his eyelashes up at Phil when the older man glances at him. He’s mostly kidding.

Phil’s eyes roll up to the ceiling at this, but sighs as he walks over and deposits his pajamas onto the side of the bed not currently occupied by Dan’s noodle limbs. “Undo ‘em for me,” he instructs, bringing his hands down to tug Dan’s socks off for him.

Dan hadn’t expected this. Honestly, he’s not sure he would’ve done it for Phil, really for no reason other than how it would feel to undress his best friend. Especially now that he knows there’s some very not-platonic feelings floating around his heart. Just that conscious thought, accepting those feelings he has for Phil, sends Dan’s blood rushing to his head, making him dizzy.

“Dan?” Phil calls quietly, patting Dan’s thigh to get his attention. “Do you actually want me to?”

“I... I’ll do it. I was just kidding, really,” Dan stutters out. He clears his throat. “Thanks, though. You’re a good friend.” He’s glad he’s still laying on his stomach, so he doesn’t have to meet Phil’s eyes as he says it.

There’s the feeling of hands running over his calves, gently massaging, and Dan sighs. “Of course, bub,” Phil quietly murmurs. “I’m gonna go take a shower, okay?”

“Yeah,” Dan agrees passively.

Phil squeezes his leg. Dan listens to his footsteps, allowing his eyes to flutter shut as the bathroom door clicks shut.

He doesn’t mean to fall asleep, but when he drifts back into the present world, it’s to the feeling of something tugging underneath him. “Mph?” He huffs a confused sound.

“Shh,” Phil whispers softly. “It’s just me, Dan. I’m trying to cover you up, scoot over a bit.”

After blinking the sleep out of his eyes a bit, Dan realizes that he’s still laid on the bed, wearing the same clothes he laid down in. Phil’s stood next to him, working on tugging the blanket out from under him so he can cover him up. “My jeans,” Dan complains.

Phil nudges him to sit up. “Go take them off and brush your teeth. You’ll wake up in the middle of the night anyway if you don’t go to bed with a clean mouth, remember?”

Dan grumbles but does as he’s told, stumbling off the bed and into the bathroom, unbuttoning his jeans as he goes. After taking a wee and tugging the stupid jeans off his long legs, Dan brushes his teeth slowly, feeling groggy from his short nap.

“Don’t forget to take your meds, babe,” Phil says, poking his head into the bathroom and tapping the doorframe to get Dan’s attention.

Nodding, Dan waves him off. Phil leaves him to it, allowing Dan to finish his routine alone before going back to their bedroom to join him. Phil’s sat up at the headboard, his glasses sliding down his nose as he looks down at the worn pages of a book. Dan crawls into bed beside him, leaning his head on Phil’s shoulder. Wordlessly, Phil tilts his head and kisses Dan’s forehead. Dan is so, so warm.

“What are we reading tonight?” Dan asks softly, too lazy and tired to actually read the page.

“Ready Player One,” Phil replies, turning the page. “Want me to read to you?”

Dan snuggles against his side shamelessly, wrapping his arm around Phil’s stomach. “Yeah.”

Phil takes a moment to pull the covers up and over Dan, smoothing them over his leg and patting his knee before bringing his hands back to the book. Phil’s voice is low and soothing as he reads, and Dan is very nearly asleep when he hears a soft knock on the door. They both turn to face it in sync, and Dan has to bite back a giggle at the movement.

“Come in,” Phil calls, loud enough for whoever to hear, but quiet enough that it won’t wake anyone asleep.

The door swings open after a second to reveal Levi, who shifts awkwardly from foot to foot, avoiding their eyes, cradling his hand awkwardly.

“Hey, bub,” Dan says softly. “What do you need?”

Levi steps closer to the bed, holding his left hand up with a grimace. “I, uh... kinda cut myself. I didn’t know where the band-aids were,” he says, looking the epitome of awkward and uncomfortable.

Dan immediately climbs off the bed and heads into the bathroom, gesturing for Levi to follow. “I’ll give you some to put in the other bathroom, I thought we had some but Phil’s the actual clumsiest person alive so sometimes we run out,” Dan explains with a smile. Levi offers a quiet laugh, hovering in the door.

“I am not!” Phil protests from the bedroom.

Dan rolls his eyes, but mouths, “he is,” causing Levi to laugh for real. Dan grins, gesturing to Levi’s hand. “Want me to look at it?” He offers gently.

Levi shakes his head. “It’s barely a scratch, honestly. I don’t even know why it’s bleeding, it doesn’t hurt.”

Dan sends him a suspicious look as he rummages through the cabinet. “What happened, anyway?”

“I was working on that art project I told you about,” Levi replies. “The paper mache thing? I was cutting the paper and the scissors just slipped.”

“Hm,” Dan hums neutrally. “Be more careful, alright? You might need your hand later in life,” he jokes.

Levi rolls his eyes but nods. “I will. It’s really just a scratch, though, honest.”

“I’m sure,” Dan agrees. “But make sure to wash it out and put some antibacterial gel on it, okay?”

Looking on the verge of another eye roll, Levi manages a more impatient nod, holding his hand out for the bandaids. “Got it,” he concedes.

Dan supplies him with a bandaid for now and several extras, making a mental note to buy a new box the next time he’s out. He follows Levi out, going to climb back in bed as Levi shuffles to the door.

“Levi?” Phil calls gently.

The teen turns around, raising his eyebrows. “Hm?”

“Everything at school going alright?” Phil asks. “I feel like we never get a proper chance to ask you about it with the twins always around.” He smiles as he says it, softening the almost accusation in his words.

Levi shrugs. “It’s alright. It’s school,” he says, his voice betraying nothing.

“Yeah,” Phil agrees with a twitch of his lips. “I get what you mean. But so far, it’s okay? The teachers aren’t too bad and the kids are alright?”

“Yeah, they’re fine,” Levi says. He gestures at Dan vaguely. “I think he gave me all the easy teachers because they’ve all been pretty nice.”

Dan is about to protest but Phil sends him this lovely smile and Dan shuts up immediately. “Good, good,” Phil says. “I guess we’ll let you get to bed, then.”

Levi nods, waving at them a little awkwardly. “Alright. Night, guys.”

“Goodnight, Levi,” Dan calls after him as he walks out the door. He waits a beat to make sure Levi is well down the hall before turning to look at Phil. “You really are a good dad,” he says, almost conversationally.

Phil smiles at him fondly. “I should be. I’ve been practically raising you for the past ten years.” His tone is joking but it still embarrasses Dan, just a little, to be reminded of their slight age difference.

Dan can feel the wicked grin making its way onto his face. He can’t control himself, obviously, with the joke presented so perfectly. He leans in, resting his chin on Phil’s shoulder and pressing a feather-light kiss to Phil’s ear before whispering in his most sultry voice, “Daddy.”

“Ew!” Phil splutters, immediately shoving Dan away. He looks absolutely mortified when he’s put some space between them. “Never say that again, Dan,” he warns, sounding very, very serious, and very, very disturbed.

Dan erupts into a fit of laughter at Phil’s reaction, swiping tears of mirth out of his eyes. “Oh my god. You’re too easy! And the look on your face,” Dan sighs, catching his breath. He snuggles back against Phil with an innocent smile that Phil returns with a glare. “I promise I won’t say it again. I just had to, honestly.”

“You really... didn’t,” Phil argues, flicking his gaze up so he doesn’t have to meet Dan’s eyes.

Pressing his lips to Phil’s cheek is Dan’s apology, which Phil seems to accept if his sigh and the way he wraps an arm around Dan is any indication. “That really wasn’t funny,” he mumbles, collecting his book back on his lap and flipping it open again.

“Sure it was,” Dan replies easily, watching with a cringe as Phil returns to his dog-eared page. “It was funny to me.”

Phil knocks his head against Dan’s gently as reprimand. “You’re doing an awful lot of chatting for someone who was nearly asleep only half an hour ago, bub.”

Dan smiles against his shirt. “Alright, alright. I’ll be quiet.” Phil huffs like he doesn’t believe it but clears his throat to start reading. Before he can, Dan interrupts him. “Can you start at the beginning? It’s been a while since I’ve read this and I don’t remember who half these people are.”

There’s a groan, and Dan can’t help but bite back a laugh. “No, I’m not starting at the beginning, you horrible boy. This is supposed to be my quiet reading time.”

“Sorry,” Dan lies. “But you offered to read to me, so...”

“I’ll start at the beginning of this chapter. And if you get confused I’ll explain what’s happening. But otherwise shut your mouth and go to sleep, yeah?” Despite the irritation he’s obviously feeling at Dan pestering him, Phil’s words are still incredibly fond and bear no actual unkindness.

“M‘kay,” Dan agrees. “You may proceed.”

There’s a pause as if Phil’s waiting to be interrupted, but when he isn’t, he jumps right into the story, reading it at just the right volume for Dan to listen passively, his eyelids getting heavier and heavier with every paragraph. Eventually he nods off on Phil’s shoulder, but in their position his head lulls to the side and the movement jolts him awake again.

“You okay?” Phil whispers.

“Mm. Mhm. Sleepy,” Dan mumbles back.

Phil turns down the corner of his page, making Dan cringe, before placing the book onto his bedside table and turning off the lamp. He’s careful not to jostle Dan too much as he guides him into a proper sleeping position, tugging Dan’s pillow closer to his own and guiding his head to it. Dan allows his eyes to drift shut as Phil settles behind him, pulling the duvet up and over their shoulders.

“Warm enough?” Phil whispers against Dan’s hair.

“Mhm.” Dan reaches back until he finds Phil’s hand, pulling his arm to wrap around his waist. He feels a kiss against his neck and smiles. “Goodnight,” he murmurs.

Phil hums a response into the lack of space between them, but Dan’s already drifting back off to sleep.

[chemicalarospec]

A Look At Dan’s Recent Branding

AKA I Make Up a Bunch of Stuff About Media and Perception and Promotion and Branding and Say the Same Things Over and Over

I’m so sorry this is actually horrendously long. I’m a loquacious a$$hole.

So I started rambling in the tags of this post began thinking about Dan’s  presence recently. The reason so many of us fell for the red chairing was because it actually seemed possible -- perhaps not a proper joint video, but a cameo or side role.

Now that the video’s out, I can see it has very strong Solo Phil vibes, but I can still imagine a few different ways Dan could have been in it if he wanted to be. (Side note: It also feels like a run-of-the-mill, everyday, video, though seasonal, and not a festive special, despite the content. idk, I blame it on the lack of decoration and boring grey wall. cue clowning for more spoopy content though.) Dan is not in the video, so he must not have wanted to be in it. Why? 

Before I talk more, let’s just talk about “branding” for a bit. I use it interchangeably with “image”/”public image”/”public persona”/”common connotations”/”associations” here (kinda wrongly), but I default to “branding” because it’s what the phandom (possibly even Dan and Phil themselves?) use the most frequently -- “image” is perhaps the best-fitting term. Regardless, in a very general example, if Stephen King wrote a fluffy teenage romance book, it would be “off-brand” for him. That’s what we’re talking about here. Except with Dan and smaller differences.

It’s also worth noting that Dan and Phil were not always Dan-and-Phil -- I remember seeing an early liveshow clip where Dan says they’re not a double act. I’m pretty sure the radio show in 2013/early 2014 followed by the launch of the gaming channel in 2014 is when they became a “double act” --  the BBC absolutely billed them as such. 

You can see what I’m getting at here: Dan is trying to drop the “and Phil” in a softer way than he dropped the “isnotonfire” back in 2017. However, it’s definitely worth noting that he had already distanced himself quite a bit from it before the official name change, with first the shorter fringe and then the curls being a visual representation of that. And it’s probably just a mental thing on my part, but curly Dan now looks different from curly Dan-with-Phil.

Okay so first, why is he trying to change his image? Like his first evolution, a major component is being more mature -- llamas and malteasers didn’t simply not represent Dan anymore, they represented a younger, less mature Dan. He didn’t like it anymore. Does Dan not like who we view him as now? My first instinct is “no,” because his current connotations are fairly empty, but I don’t really know, so I’ll just move on.

What do we associate with Dan right now? i. e. what’s “on brand” for him? Well, again, there’s not a lot of strong specifics, at least for me. After two years for being nearly absent from the internet and very clearly growing a lot as a person, Daniel hasn’t talked enough for there to be only the basics left: tall, British, memes, and gay.

Okay, but the gay. Dan and Phil have been out for one year, but being part of The Gays is a pretty big part of their branding. This is because of their already long-standing reputation, more specifically their attachments to the community -- all those teenage girls turning out to be lesbians and, of course, the shipping.

The Gay is also an answer to the next question: What different aspects of his image is he pushing? Again, that he’s more mature and serious -- the UN talk, for example. I’m not counting the book here because that’s the product of the changes, not content being used to create a shift.

The big thing I want to focus on is the attitude video series. I’m very curious as to how this came about to be and don’t know enough details to say some things, but one thing I can note is that the plug for You Will Get Through This Night is a really small part of it. It’s literally the last thing he says, and they don’t even show the cover. It’s so skippable, and while it’s good that means they all really care about the important content of the series, it does create some questions.

To be honest, all of the attitude/This Night content is kind of strange to me. For example, the quote they used to promote it doesn’t mention the book, which just looks bad. This Night isn’t really the center of the collab -- it’s more general mental health awareness and activism.

So that’s the first thing Dan’s trying to put into his image. The podcast (Get Britain Talking or something like that) is, I feel, more directly part of marketing This Night, though of course, like with the video series, the content itself is emphasized and important and I should treat it as such.

Back to attitude. attitude is “the UK’s best selling gay magazine.” Why is Dan trying to build connotations to things he already is? No, but actually this gives insight on how he’s trying to be perceived: he’s a confident gay man. This magazine with its connotations (formal media, queer, well-established) will come up should someone new search up Dan -- obviously that’s not the direct reason; it’s a representation of his public image. 

Why is he trying to create this image? Right now, us in the phandom are probably 90% of the people tuned into Daniel’s actions. We’ve already built up a lot about him, and though we don’t want to admit it, we do like Dan-and-Phil, the double act. Overall, I do think Dan will not change our image of him as much as he’d like, but he has changed it more than we might think -- for example, people talking about how “mature” and “grown-up” he is in new photos. 

I think I’m just stupid, but these pushes don’t seem to be needed for You Will Get Through This Night. Okay so the problem here is “how do you get people to buy a book?” An author’s broader public persona doesn’t really impact this. I’m not going to hear about a mental health book written by an ex-Youtuber and search up the author. I’m not going to hear about a mental health book written by an ex-Youtuber in my normal book searching, period.

You know where I could see myself finding out about a book like this, and what would get people to buy the book? Doing mainstream interviews specifically about it; I’ll read TIME interviews with anyone, so long as it seems mildly interesting. But Dan’s not doing that, not a lot, not yet. (I bet he will later.)

I guess what I’m saying is the attitude video series is periphery media that impacts his branding but does not reach a large audience; it’s impact is atmospheric, not promotional.

(Dude it’s 10:30 at this point I’m not sure what I’m saying.) (also I rearranged these paragraphs sorry if it reads poorly)

Dan is a private person. He has made this extensively clear throughout the years and in the most recent content. What this means is I don’t believe he wants to update his branding just for the sake of accuracy to self.

So it’s (partially) for something else, but the public framing clearly goes beyond This Night. The obvious answer is that Dan’s just trying to return to the public eye, but then I still ask why???

The attitude series is not an end goal -- i. e. it is a building block for something. I mean, I just don’t think Dan’s like “yeah I want to create content again and this is the content I want to create,” simply because it started out seeming like an extension of the interview and now it’s clearly more than that, but it’s still like, for the magazine. It’s not his.

So what’s Dan going to do with this status of being a queer content creater and mental health advocate he’s curating? So remember how there’s a 99% chance he’s doing something w/ television but there’s been no official announcement? Yeah, that. 

I had a few paragraphs talking about book-adjacent media (interviews, reviews, ect.) vs television-adjacent media but all of it was me 100% making stuff up so it’s gone now. Basically, I *think* if he were to make a show, fiction or non-fiction, people would search him up and write a small description of him, and I *think* this is less likely for You Will Get Through This Night, so I *think* this reputation-building is in preparation of the former, not the latter.

Isabelle, you spent over an hour on this, do you actually have anything interesting to say?

Freaking *waves hands* promotional-- social dynamics-- what the heck actually is branding at this point-- Dan show.

TL;DR: It might just be the French in me (or just *my* French relatives?), but life is manipulation and Dan is trying to drop “and Phil” from his name and is manipulating his public image to be more mature, with a focus on being one of The Gays and a mental health advocate. Because it’s not vibin’ as This Night promotion/set-up, it is likely setup for promotion for another project, probably the TV one.

TL;DR 2: Just read the tags on the original post I literally didn’t have to say any of this except for “television theory”.

[antiadvil]

Friends With (Tax) Benefits

summary: After same-sex marriage is legalized in the UK, Phil suggests he and Dan get married to save money on their taxes. Dan initially rejects his proposal, but after some thought, he changes his mind. Except then he starts to… feel things. Things he really shouldn’t be feeling about his best friend and platonic husband. And all of the sudden, what was supposed to be a simple arrangement between friends has the potential to get much, much more complicated.

Surely Dan can keep his feelings repressed for a little bit longer.

rating: PG-13

wc: 7.4k

notes: for the @phandomreversebang​! art provided by @artlessdynamite​ and betaing provided by @dansstripedsweater​. they were both super helpful and great to work with!

also, warnings for unhealthy alcohol usage if you’re not into that.

read under the cut or on ao3!

“Let’s get married,” Phil said.

Dan snorted. “What?”

“You heard me.”

“Yeah, I heard you,” Dan said. “I just have a few questions first. Like, what the actual fuck.”

Phil shrugged. “I just mean, it makes sense. It’s legal now. We live together and will for the foreseeable future. We have a lot of joint assets. We’d save a lot on taxes.”

Dan stared. “You want to get married. For tax purposes.”

Phil shrugged, cheeks pinkening.

Dan shook his head in disbelief.

“No pressure,” Phil said. “It was just an idea.”

“It was a dumb idea,” Dan snorted.

It was a dumb idea. It was a really, really dumb idea. Dan couldn’t believe he was thinking about it for longer than three seconds. Dan definitely couldn’t believe he was still thinking about it that night while lying in bed.

It was such a dumb idea. Why would Phil even suggest it? Especially considering...

Dan closed his eyes. He hadn’t thought about it in years. He hadn’t had any reason to.

When Dan and Phil had first met, Dan had maybe liked Phil a little bit. And maybe he had mentioned something to Phil to that effect, and maybe Phil had gently shut him down, reminded him how much younger he was, how much less experience he had with relationships that were more than just awkward fumbling in dark rooms.

But that was years ago, and Dan was over it. He had been over it for years. It was so long ago it shouldn’t even factor into this decision. Why was he still thinking about it?

His bed did feel empty. He wondered what it would be like to have someone lying next to him, close enough to touch.

Dan shook himself. Even if he and Phil did get married, it wouldn’t have to change anything about their relationship. They would still sleep in separate beds. They would still be friends. Nothing less, and nothing more.

That thought sent a slight twinge through Dan’s heart. He resolutely ignored it, turning over to his side. He was done thinking about this. It was a bad idea, and dwelling on it wouldn’t do him any good.

***

Dan slept badly. His dreams were fragmented; the kind that vanished when you woke up and left you with a weird sense of fatigue for the rest of the day, as if you hadn’t slept at all.

He made himself coffee with his breakfast that morning, and Phil noticed. Of course Phil noticed. Phil knew Dan better than anyone in the world, maybe better even than Dan himself. Was it even possible for anyone to ever get to know Dan better than Phil already did?

“Coffee?” Phil asked, glancing at Dan’s mug. “Rough night?”

“You could say that,” Dan muttered.

Phil nodded, turning his head back to his phone, and a sudden need burned through Dan.

“Hey,” he said. “I was, um, thinking about what you said last night.”

“Oh,” Phil said, putting his phone down. He looked sheepish. “I’m sorry, you can just forget about that if-”

Dan interrupted. “What would we even tell our friends? Our families?”

Phil shrugged, carefully setting his cup of coffee down. “We could tell them the truth. If you think they could handle it.”

“What if they can’t?”

“Then we tell them something that isn’t the truth. We’ve been living together for four years, I’m sure some of them already think we’re dating.”

Dan’s face grew warm. He hesitated.

“Or we don’t have to tell them anything. It’s up to you. I don’t really care.”

Phil said it with such flippant ease that it felt like a stab to Dan’s gut. Of course he didn’t care. Why would he? It was just a business arrangement, really, just something to do for tax purposes.

“I’ll have to think about it,” Dan said.

Phil looked surprised. “Okay,” he said.

Dan thought about it again that night. He thought about how he always slept on one side of the bed, as if he was leaving the other half for another person he expected to come in in the middle of the night after a late shift at work. He thought about how the other half of his bed was going to be empty for the rest of the night.

He didn’t sleep well that night either.

***

Dan made a pro-con list the next morning. He didn’t label it at the top- that would have felt too real. He just divided it into two sides and wrote “Pro” on one side and “Con” on the other.

He tapped his pen against the paper. “Weird,” he scribbled on the Con side, quickly followed by “Can’t get real married later.”

As if that was looking likely. The last person Dan had dated was in high school, and it could not have been more of a disaster.

The Pro side was looking a bit lonely. “Taxes,” he scribbled, to humor Phil. He couldn’t help but smile a bit. Only Phil would say something like that.

Well, actually, there had to be more than that. There were all sorts of legal benefits to marriage, weren’t there? He crossed that out and added “legal benefits” instead.

The rest of the pros and cons came more quickly. In a lot of ways, they were basically married already. It would make it easier to come out in some ways. He could fend off unwanted suitors more easily. Because he got so many of those, he thought wryly.

Dan looked down at his paper. The pro side was almost full- mostly of small, stupid things, but Dan just kept thinking of small, stupid things to add.

Even if not all of the reasons for doing it were as good as the reasons for not doing it, just looking at the shape of his chart, it was clear what he wanted. He took a deep breath.

Maybe it was stupid, but it was what he wanted, for whatever godforsaken reason. What was the point in denying it? He had spent so long ignoring what he wanted. Didn’t he deserve something he wanted for once?

He crumpled the piece of paper to throw in the trash, but hesitated. He didn’t want Phil to find it. He smoothed it out, then put it at the very bottom of his dresser drawer.

There. Now it would never be seen again.

He left his room. He had to find Phil and tell him something.

Phil was in the living room this time, on his laptop, completely absorbed in a word document. Scripting, probably.

Dan hated to disturb Phil when he looked like this. He really was beautiful when he wasn’t paying attention to it- though Dan supposed it was the kind of beauty one learned to appreciate rather than the kind that was innate. The kind of beauty that only existed in people you loved.

“Hey Phil?” he asked, and Phil looked up, the illusion shattering. “I think I’m done thinking. About the thing.” He couldn’t bring himself to say it, but luckily, Phil seemed to know what he meant.

“And?”

“I want to do it.”

Phil raised his eyebrows. “Are you sure?”

Dan nodded. “I’m sure.”

“Okay then.” Phil smiled. “Have you decided what to tell people?”

***

Dan came out to his parents on Skype, and told them he and Phil were getting married in the same conversation. It was easier that way. He didn’t have to buy a ticket home, or awkwardly stick around after he made his big revelation, acting like everything was normal.

His mother said she was proud of him and she loved him no matter what, and couldn’t wait to meet Phil again as her son-in-law. His dad didn’t say anything.

“That wasn’t so bad, was it?” Phil asked when it was over. He had been sitting on the couch in the other room while Dan talked to his parents. Dan wasn’t sure how much he had overheard.

Dan shrugged. “My mom was fine. My dad…”

Phil’s face crumpled. “I’m sorry.” He stood up, wrapping Dan in a hug.

“It’s okay,” Dan said, trying to force his tears back. His voice still came out tight and watery. He buried his head deeper in Phil’s neck, and Phil held him tighter.

His brother was about as accepting as he expected any sixteen-year-old boy to be. When Dan called him to explain, he just kind of grunted and said he didn’t care.

Phil’s parents already knew he was gay, so all that was left was to explain was his relationship with Dan. They had decided not to explain to anyone that their marriage wasn’t really real, but Dan wasn’t sure exactly what Phil had said to his parents. Phil had asked Dan to leave the flat while he talked to them, and Dan had done so. He had a rather nice day wandering around London, and when he returned to the flat, Phil was stiff and composed, and told Dan that it went fine when he asked. Dan wasn’t sure whether or not he believed him, but he didn’t question it.

Explaining to their friends was tricky. Most of them already knew Dan and Phil were gay, and were confused about why they would hide a relationship from them for so long. Dan awkwardly fumbled explanations about the subscribers, and privacy, and the media, while Phil nodded, playing an excellent version of someone who was saying things that made sense.

They didn’t come out to their fans. Marriage was a matter of public record in the UK; they were just going to have to hope that no one actually cared enough to look.

The marriage ceremony was short and simple, nothing more than going down to the courthouse to sign some paperwork. Dan’s mum tried to get them to do some kind of ceremony, but Dan refused. That would have felt too much like a lie.

He couldn’t stop her from insisting on a visit, though, to congratulate the newlyweds.

Her train arrived on a cold, slightly rainy day- the usual in London. Still, Dan couldn’t help but take it as a sign justifying the dread growing in his stomach.

Phil had offered to come with Dan to meet his mum, but Dan had refused. He didn’t want to deal with the weirdness of pretending to be a couple that was pretending to not be a couple in public in front of his mum. It was way too many layers of weirdness to deal with. Dan would rather stick with just one.

“Mum!” he said, sweeping her into a hug. His worries lessened a bit as she hugged him back.

“Dan!” she said. “It’s been too long.”

Dan didn’t visit his family a lot. It probably had been too long. “I missed you,” he said, and it was mostly true.

She smiled, pulling back. “I missed you too.”

Dan knew she was coming alone, but he felt the absence of the rest of his family as an acute pain in his side. “Why didn’t Dad want to come?” he asked.

His mum pressed her lips into a thin line, and for a moment, Dan thought she wasn’t going to answer. “Oh, you know how busy he is,” she said lightly.

Dan nodded. “I’ll have to visit sometime,” he said.

He wouldn’t. They both knew it.

“But look at you!” His mum beamed, saving the mood. “My Daniel, all grown up. You’re married! Let me see the- Oh,” she said, looking at his hand, sounding disappointed. “No ring?”

Shit. If they were trying to pass this off as real, they probably should have gotten rings. “It didn’t make sense,” Dan explained. “Since we couldn’t wear them out anyway, with the fans and all.”

She nodded, still looking sad. “It’d be nice for you two to have something, though.”

“Maybe,” Dan said noncommittally, flagging down a taxi. He couldn’t help but think that it would be nice, but he hoped her badgering would die down once they got in the cab, or once they got back to the flat and he could talk to Phil.

Phil was so much better at lying than Dan was. He’d be able to handle this.

***

“Karen!” Phil said, sweeping her into a hug. He towered over her. Why were the two of them so tall?

“How’s my favorite son-in-law?” She hugged him back just as tightly as she had hugged Dan at the train station.

“He’s your only son-in-law,” Dan interrupted, “Unless Adrian also has some news he’d like to share?”

“Even if I had a million son-in-laws, Phil would still be my favorite,” Dan’s mum smiled.

“Aww,” Phil said.

Dan rolled his eyes. “Suck up,” he muttered.

“Where should I put my suitcase?” his mum asked.

“Oh,” Dan said. He hadn’t really thought about where she would sleep. “Um, there’s the gaming room? Or the sofa, but-”

“I thought I could just sleep in the guest room,” his mum interrupted.

Dan stared.

“Oh, come on, Dan,” his mum winked. “I know you two don’t really sleep in different rooms.”

Phil turned completely red. Dan suspected his face was a similar shade.

“Right,” Phil said, still blushing furiously. Hopefully, his mum would think it was because she had mentioned Dan and Phil’s supposed sex life and not because Phil was lying. “You can sleep in my room. Just give us a bit to set up, we completely forgot to.”

Dan wasn’t sure if it was possible to pass Phil’s incredibly messy room off as a guest room, but he supposed it’d be easier than handling the dirty laundry piled up in Dan’s closet.

Phil pulled Dan into his room after distracting Karen with the wall of pictures they had set up about six months ago, some time after her last visit.

“Change the sheets,” Phil said. “I’ll take care of-” he waved his hand at the mess. “All this.”

Dan couldn’t help but feel a bit sad as he stripped Phil’s sheets off his bed. They were so bright and colorful- Dan had always loved them. It felt wrong to put them away.

Phil managed to get most of his junk into boxes that he moved to Dan’s room while Dan’s mum was distracted. His room still looked a little bit lived in, but hopefully not excessively so.

“The room’s all ready, Mum!” Dan said.

“Finally,” she said. “You know, if my parents were visiting me-”

“Yes, mum,” Dan cut in, rolling his eyes. “You would never treat them with such disrespect. I’m a shame on the family. I deserve to be-”

“Oh, shush, Dan, you know I was only teasing.” His mum swatted his shoulder with the back of her hand.

Dan ducked away, cheeks burning. It was hard sometimes to remember that his mum was proud of him. “I know,” he said.

She hugged him. “Thank you for inviting me,” she said. “And I’m proud of you. I really am.”

“I know,” he said, and this time he even believed it a little bit.

***

“Are you ready for dinner?” Phil asked.

“I’m ready.” In an astonishing display of adulthood, Dan had called ahead to get a reservation. He had ironed a button-down shirt. He had found a suit jacket that sort of matched his pants. He had even scheduled a cab ahead of time so they wouldn’t be late.

It was exhausting. Dan didn’t know how other people did it. “You and Mum are already ready, I assume?”

“Yep,” Phil said. “The cab should be here in a few minutes.”

Dan was half expecting something to go terribly wrong, but to his surprise, they arrived at the restaurant a few minutes early, and when they entered the restaurant, a waitress ushered them straight to their table with no problems, handing them menus and setting down glasses of water and a basket of bread.

Dan turned immediately to the wine menu as Phil attacked the bread basket. He scanned the list- he didn’t really recognize anything, so he fixated in on the cheapest.

“Can we get a bottle of-” Dan started when the waitress finally came back.

Phil nudged Dan’s foot under the table. “I don’t think we need an entire bottle of wine.”

“I want an entire bottle of wine though,” Dan pouted.

His mum looked up, her brow wrinkling.

Dan bit the inside of his cheek. “I’ll just take a glass then.”

The waitress nodded, writing Dan’s order down. She took everyone else’s orders too- Dan was the only one who got any alcohol, which suddenly made him feel very self-conscious.

Luckily, it was nothing that a few refills of his wine glass couldn’t fix. Dan noticed Phil eyeing him after his second glass, but he ignored him. Dan was an adult, if he needed three glasses of wine to get through a dinner with his mum and his pretend husband, that was his business.

His mum had noticed too, Dan realized with a slight pang of guilt. He forced it down with another sip of wine.

“So,” Dan said, trying to distract her. “How’s Dad? And Adrian?”

She relaxed a bit. “Oh, they’re fine.” She filled him in on his dad’s work and Adrian’s school. Dan nodded along, doing his best to keep up. He noticed Phil doing the same out of the corner of his eye.

“But enough about me,” she said. “I feel like I’m behind on years of life updates. What have you two been up to?”

Dan looked at Phil, pleading wordlessly for him to take over.

Phil hesitated, his eyes falling on Dan’s fourth half drained glass of wine. “What do you want to know?” he finally asked, his eyes flicking back to Dan’s mum.

“Everything,” Dan’s mum said. “I don’t know anything about your relationship.”

A laugh spilled nervously from Phil’s mouth. “There’s a lot to tell.”

“Well then, not everything,” she said. “But- the basics. How you met. When you knew. How long.”

“We met the way Dan’s told you. Internet strangers, that whole thing.” Phil glanced at Dan, choosing his next words carefully. “And, well, we started out just friends.”

Dan nodded, and Phil seemed to take that as encouragement. “But, well, we started to get to know each other better, and we thought we’d be better in a relationship, so we decided to go for it. We were already living together, and that kind of intensified things, I think. We were pretty serious from the beginning, but of course, marriage wasn’t really a possibility until recently. And then all of the sudden it was, and, I mean, it just made sense. Why wouldn’t we, you know?”

Dan’s mum nodded.

“And, well, now we’re here.” Phil smiled at Dan. Dan returned the smile gratefully.

Dan’s mum looked like she was about to ask another question, but luckily, before she could, their food arrived. Dan took the opportunity to sink into his plate, grateful for an excuse not to talk. “This is delicious,” he said, changing the subject.

Phil relaxed. He squeezed Dan’s hand under the table in gratitude. “It’s so good,” he said.

“It really is,” Dan’s mum agreed. “You have excellent taste in restaurants, Dan.”

Dan inflated under the praise- he couldn’t help it.

Phil kicked him under the table. “Don’t get too full of yourself.”

Dan sat back in his chair, sulking, but he couldn’t for too long. His plate drew him back in- this food really was good.

Phil steered the conversation away from their personal life and towards a series of stories about his childhood, and Dan was able to breathe again.

Phil really was amazing. Dan was lucky to have him, whatever form having him might take.

***

Dan was definitely drunk when they got back. He wandered to the kitchen, downing a glass of water. He didn’t feel thirsty, but he forced himself to drink another. If he got hungover from drinking too much wine at a nice restaurant, he might never live it down.

He dragged himself through a nightly routine, getting into his pajamas, brushing his teeth, and returning to his room, where he froze.

Phil was there.

Of course Phil was there. Where else would he be? Dan’s mum was sleeping in his room. If Dan had spent more than thirty seconds thinking about it, he would have realized, but he hadn’t.

He wished Phil would say something, do something, acknowledge how fucking bizarre this situation was, but he didn’t. He looked so normal that Dan was almost convinced this was normal.

“I’m going to bed,” Dan mumbled, and Phil nodded.

Dan climbed into his bed clumsily, rolling over on his side to stare at Phil.

Phil. He should do something about Phil, but he wasn’t sure what.

Dan swallowed. Should he ask Phil to sleep on the floor? No, that was incredibly rude, if anything, he should offer. But he was already in his bed, and Phil was climbing into it with him, and the bed dipped, and if Dan let his hand fall out, it would be brushing against Phil’s arm.

Dan let his hand fall. He held his breath. Phil’s skin was warm and soft and not moving away. Emboldened, he rolled himself a little bit closer.

He didn’t know why he was acting like this. Dan and Phil had shared beds before. It wasn’t that big of a deal. But lately, everything felt different.

Phil rolled himself closer too. “I get really cuddly when I sleep,” he whispered. “I hope that’s okay.”

Dan swallowed. His mouth was dry. Maybe he should go get more water. “Yeah, that’s fine.”

“Good,” Phil said, wrapping his arm around Dan and pulling him closer.

Dan stiffened slightly, surprised.

Phil frowned, lifting his head. “Are you okay?”

Dan forced himself to relax. “Yeah, sorry. You just startled me.”

Phil put his head down, snuggling closer. “Oh. Sorry.”

“You’re good,” Dan murmured. He closed his eyes, and let the weight of Phil’s warm body gently lull him to sleep.

***

Dan woke up to an empty bed the next morning, with no headache, thank god. He peeked at the clock, then immediately rolled over and tried to fall back asleep. He succeeded in working himself back into a light slumber, but just as he began to get comfortable, someone yanked his blanket off of him.

“Hey,” he mumbled, rolling over onto his back.

“Wake up,” Phil said, still holding Dan’s blanket in one hand. “You’ve been asleep for almost twelve hours.”

Dan rolled back onto his stomach and buried his face in his pillow. It smelled like Phil, and Dan realized with a start that this was not, in fact, his pillow. It was Phil’s. He stayed there anyway. “I’m tired.”

“Dan. Sleeping for twelve hours isn’t normal.”

“You should try it sometime,” Dan mumbled into the pillow.

“No thanks,” Phil said. “Now get up. I’ve been entertaining your mother for the past three hours and I’m going to go insane.”

Dan sighed, rolling and stumbling out of bed. “Oi. Watch what you say about my mum.”

“What’ll you do about it? Sleep more?”

“Maybe,” Dan grumbled, rifling through his dresser for clothes. He found a black T-shirt that seemed clean and tossed the shirt he had worn to bed to the side before putting it on.

He noticed Phil staring. “Whatcha looking at, mate?” he asked.

“Hurry up,” Phil said.

“I am hurrying,” Dan said, pulling a pair of jeans on.

“Hurry faster,” Phil said, closing the door behind him.

Dan would have liked some time to straighten his hair, but it didn’t look like that was happening today. He had straightened it yesterday; that would have to do. He stumbled out of his room and down the hall, squinting against the sudden light.

“Dan! You’re up!” His mum was way too cheery.

Dan managed a smile. “I’m up.”

“Took you long enough. How late were you up last night?”

Dan didn’t want to tell her that he had actually gone to bed early last night, he was just a mess. “I dunno,” he said instead. “Pretty late, probably.”

She rolled her eyes fondly. “When will you start sleeping at normal times, Dan?”

Dan shrugged, grabbing a box of cereal from the kitchen cabinets. It was still full- Dan supposed there were upsides to sharing a bed with Phil. He couldn’t sneak out at night to eat his cereal anymore. “I guess I’m still a teenager at heart.”

***

When Dan’s mum left, Phil didn’t move back into his own room. They never really discussed it- the first night after, Phil just came into Dan’s room at the normal time, and they fell asleep comfortably tangled together, just like normal.

When did their current arrangement become anything remotely resembling normal?

You could adjust to pretty much anything, Dan figured. Besides, it wasn’t like it was… bad. It was actually kind of nice. Just weird.

It was almost like they were a couple. It made sense, in a way. When people visited, it’d look suspicious if they slept in separate rooms, and if they were trying to pass off Phil’s room as a guest room, it’d be easier if Phil just didn’t sleep in it.

The easiest way to convince people of this lie was to live it, as much as possible.

Phil’s parents were the next to visit. Phil’s relationship with his parents had always been better than Dan’s, which made this trickier in some ways. Dan hated to admit it, but his mother barely knew him anymore. It made her easier to lie to.

Phil’s parents, though- they doted on him. They loved Phil with a ferocity that had always made Dan just a little bit jealous. And this meant they could see through him with a clarity that did not make Dan jealous at all.

They had Phil’s room prepared as a guest room ahead of time this time, at least. That saved them some awkwardness at the beginning of the visit.

They got a few minutes alone together while Phil’s parents unpacked.

“Are you sure this is a good idea?” Dan asked.

“Yes,” Phil said. “Don’t worry, Dan, they love you. This’ll be fine.” He grabbed Dan’s hand, lacing their fingers together.

It didn’t make Dan feel any better.

After a dinner Kath insisted on cooking for them, they discussed what to do for the rest of the evening.

“Cards?” Nigel offered.

Phil snorted. “Dan doesn’t know any card games but go fish.”

“Hey!” Dan elbowed Phil. “I know lots of card games.”

“Like?” Phil asked.

“Um,” Dan said. Phil’s eyes were twinkling. It was distracting. “Go fish. War. Poker-”

“You don’t know how to play poker,” Phil said delightedly.

“Shut up!” Dan said. “You don’t know how to play poker either-”

“I never claimed to.”

“We can teach you!” Kath beamed excitedly.

“Mum, that’s not the point-”

“It’ll be fun,” she insisted.

Phil gave in. “Okay, we can play poker.”

Poker wasn’t as hard as Dan had expected, though Kath was still easily winning almost every round. At least, it wasn’t hard until Phil’s parents started asking questions.

“Are you two going to Amanda’s wedding?” Nigel asked.

Phil’s eyes darted to Dan. “Maybe. I hadn’t decided yet.”

“You didn’t tell me Amanda was getting married,” Dan said, surprised. Amanda was Phil’s cousin- they had only met a few times, and briefly. Dan wouldn’t have expected to be invited to her wedding, though of course Phil probably would be, and since he and Phil were supposedly married now...

“She and her girlfriend have been engaged for a while,” Phil said. “As soon as it was legal, they started planning.”

Dan nodded.

“You should come, Phil. She’d like to see you,” Kath said, placing her cards down on the table.

“Gay solidarity,” Dan joked, bumping Phil’s shoulder.

He smiled stiffly, putting his own cards down. “We’ll see.”

“It would be so nice to be able to introduce Dan to the rest of the family,” Kath persisted.

“We’ll think about it,” Phil repeated.

Kath switched tactics. “Dan, won’t you two come? It’d be so nice to see you again, and it’s in London, you wouldn’t even have to-”

Phil interrupted. “I said, we’ll think about it.”

Kath sounded disapproving now. “Phil-”

Phil interrupted. “Mum! For the last time, we’ll think about it!”

“All right!” Kath raised her hands in defense. “I’m just saying-”

Phil stood up. “I don’t want to talk about this.”

“Phil-” Nigel said.

“I said I don’t want to talk about this.” Phil pushed his chair in and walked out.

Nigel put his cards down, and Dan did too. “You should follow him,” Kath said quietly to Dan.

Dan shook his head. “I think he’d rather be alone.” Dan didn’t really want to get involved in whatever Phil’s issue was with Amanda and her wedding. He cleared his throat. “Shall we play another round?”

Kath and Nigel shared a glance. “Sure,” Kath said finally, collecting everyone’s cards so she could shuffle them back into the deck. Dan handed his to her gratefully, hoping Phil was alright. He idly wondered what exactly had made Phil so upset.

Phil would probably talk to him about it later if it was important, and later, he didn’t, so it must not be important.

The night after Phil’s parents left, Dan half expected Phil to return to his own room, but he didn’t. He kept coming back to Dan’s, and Dan was grateful. The only time he could sleep well was with Phil curled up beside him, solid and warm.

And he had been sleeping a lot. Despite Phil’s constant bickering about how eight hours should be enough for any healthy human, it was rare for Dan to sleep less than ten, and most days he slept for at least twelve. He had gotten used to crawling into an empty bed and waking up an hour or so later to Phil crawling in after him. Phil would lie next to him, they would cuddle, and Dan would wake up again in the morning (well, afternoon) to an empty bed. And then he would get up, and then he would find Phil, and they would talk about something completely unimportant, and Dan would pretend to do work until he could go back to bed, the cycle complete.

Some days they had important conversations, arguments, really. Dan hated those days, but he had to admit a break from the monotony was nice sometimes. Maybe that was why he brought up Amanda’s wedding again.

“We shouldn’t go,” Phil said, for the millionth time. “I don’t want to have to keep up this performance all night.”

Dan shrugged. “It’s not much of a performance. We just need to go together and-”

“And what?” Phil said. “And act like a couple?”

“I think you’re overestimating how bad it’ll be,” Dan said. “No one is looking for reasons to not believe us.”

“Maybe not. But they’re looking.”

“Phil. You’re blowing this out of proportion. What do you think they’ll see?”

Phil shrugged. “Look, it’s just safer this way.”

“Are you planning to hide me from the rest of your family for the rest of our lives?”

Phil didn’t answer.

Dan didn’t know how it was possible to sleep as much as him and still be so unbelievably tired all the time. “If we’re always avoiding people, it’ll just cause even more questions. When does it end?”

“I don’t know,” Phil admitted. He looked so small in that moment; the one inch of height Dan had on him felt like a massive gulf.

Dan sighed. “Well, for what it’s worth, I’d like to go.”

Phil didn’t answer.

“Think about it?” Dan pleaded.

Phil nodded, short and stiff.

“Thank you,” Dan said.

***

Amanda and her wife were sickeningly sweet together. They couldn’t stop grinning at each other like lovesick fools, and all Dan wanted was to wipe that smile off their faces.

He couldn’t, so he just kept ordering more drinks from the open bar.

“Whoa, Dan. Slow it down.” Phil gently eased the glass of champagne out of Dan’s hand. “I think you’ve had enough already.”

Dan made a grab for it back. “No I haven’t.”

“Dan!” Phil held the glass back. It sloshed over the table. “You’re making a scene.”

“You’re making a scene,” Dan argued back.

“Dan, seriously.” Phil’s voice was a lot sharper than usual. If Dan had been sober, he probably would have backed down now, but he wasn’t.

“Give it.” Dan made another grab.

Phil set down the glass of champagne. “Dan.”

“What?” Dan whined.

“We need to go,” Phil said, standing up.

“But-” Dan protested.

“We’re leaving,” Phil said firmly. His hand on Dan’s wrist was even firmer as he pulled him up and towed him away.

Dan finally quieted down. He let Phil pull him away from the reception and towards the street.

“Aren’t we going to say bye to-”

“No,” Phil snapped.

“But- Isn’t it rude to-”

“Oh?” Phil turned to face him. “You want to talk about being rude?”

Dan stayed quiet until they climbed into their cab. “Phil-” he said.

“Not now, Dan,” Phil snapped.

Dan quieted down, spending the rest of the cab ride sulking and staring out the window.

Phil remained in stony silence when their cab arrived at their flat, and as they climbed their stairs. It was only once they were in their room that he finally spoke.

“What the fuck were you thinking tonight?” Phil shouted.

“I-” Dan interrupted.

“Be quiet,” Phil said. “For once in your life, be quiet for ten fucking minutes and let me talk.”

Dan rolled his eyes, but he shut up. Exactly how angry Phil was with him was finally starting to sink into his alcohol-sodden brain.

“We were at a wedding, Dan. A wedding for my cousin. I know you have your issues, but for fuck’s sake, Dan, you can’t act like this.”

Dan pouted. “But-”

Phil wheeled around with startling ferocity. “No. I don’t want to hear it.”

Dan cringed back.

“I’m not interested in your excuses right now. I’m sure you have a reason. I’m sure you have lots of reasons! Take care of them. You can’t act like this.”

Dan stared at the floor sullenly. “I just-” his voice broke.

Phil sat down on Dan’s bed. Their bed. When did it become their bed? “You just what?” he asked. He didn’t sound mad anymore. He just sounded tired.

How could Dan even explain it? What even was “it”?

He was miserable. He could barely wake up in the mornings. Something was wrong. Something had been wrong ever since he had married Phil.

“I can’t do this anymore,” Dan said, swaying and flopping down next to Phil.

“Do… what?”

“Any of this.” Suddenly, through his drunken haze, he knew what he had to do. “Phil, I’m sorry, I know we didn’t even make it to April-”

“What’s in April?” Phil asked, confused.

Dan groaned. “Taxes, Phil.”

That didn’t seem to clear things up. “Dan, why are you talking about taxes?” Phil was smiling a bit, at least, even if it was a very confused smile.

“Because half the reason I even agreed to this was for the fucking taxes!” Dan shouted, but he dissolved into giggles by the end of his sentence. “It’s not funny,” he muttered, swiping at his eyes, still laughing.

“Agreed to what?” Phil asked, brow furrowed in confusion.

“This,” Dan exclaimed, throwing his arm wide.

Phil frowned, looking where Dan seemed to be pointing.

Dan shook his head. “No, Phil,” he said, clumsily grabbing onto Phil’s hand. “This.”

Phil’s hand fit in his so perfectly. Dan never wanted to let go.

What was left of Phil’s smile slipped away. “Oh,” he said. “Us.”

“Yes.” Dan seized Phil’s other hand. “Us.”

Phil pulled his hands away. “Dan, I don’t know if we should-”

Dan might regret these words in the morning, but if he didn’t say them now, he probably never would. “I love you, Phil,” Dan said, reaching for him desperately. “Phil, please don’t go-” He reached too far and fell over.

“I think you need to go to bed,” Phil said carefully, patting Dan’s shoulder.

“No I don’t,” Dan muttered into his pillow. “I’m not tired.”

“You’re always tired.” Phil’s voice was flat. He was the one who sounded tired, Dan thought irritably.

Still, Dan couldn’t argue with that. “I’m not that tired.”

“You’re drunk. Go to sleep. You’ll feel better in the morning.” Phil’s face was stony and impassive, but that couldn’t stop the bloom of relief spreading through his body.

Dan sat up. “I already feel good, Phil. I don’t know why I didn’t say anything for so long-”

Phil winced. “We can talk in the morning.”

Dan’s heart deflated as Phil walked to the door.

“Come back,” Dan said sadly. ���Wanna be with you.”

Phil turned around, hesitating in the doorway. “Dan, you’re drunk.”

“I’m not that drunk,” he said. “You’re drunk too,” he added as an afterthought, though he had no idea how much Phil had drunk at the wedding.

Phil shook his head. “Go to sleep, Dan.”

“But I want-”

“We can talk tomorrow. Okay, Dan?” Phil closed the door before Dan could reply, leaving Dan alone in the dark.

***

Dan woke up with a killer headache. He cracked his eyes open to check the time.

How the fuck had he managed to wake up at seven in the morning? Especially after last night? He opened his eyes a little bit further, and the light stabbed through his corneas to the back of his brain.

That was probably how. Got to love waking up in pain.

Someone (probably Phil, Dan would have guessed if he was in any sort of state to be making guesses) had left a glass of water and a few aspirins on his bedside table. He swallowed them quickly, draining the glass of water before curling up on his bed and waiting for his headache to subside.

It did, a bit. He wasn’t completely pain-free, but eventually, he was pain-free enough that he could think again.

He tried to remember last night. Phil was mad at him, he was pretty sure- he had gotten way too drunk at the wedding. Phil had yelled at him, and then they had talked and then Dan had-

Oh god. What had he done?

Told Phil he loved him, apparently, if his memory served him correctly.

Oh god. Their friendship was probably over. Their marriage definitely was. Why did Dan have to tell him in the worst possible way? Curse his stupid brain and the fact that he couldn’t talk about his feelings without a blood alcohol concentration of at least 0.1%.

Dan pulled the sheets back over his head, hoping the darkness would make it possible to fall back asleep and forget his problems, but his headache wouldn’t let him.

Well, there was nothing left to do then but face his problems. Dan pulled the sheets off of his head and sat up.

He hadn’t noticed at first, too preoccupied with his headache, but next to the glass of water on his bedside table, there was a box, with a piece of paper next to it. He grabbed it.

“Love you, spork,” the note read, in Phil’s scribbled, messy handwriting. Confused, he grabbed for the box. It was a small black jewelry box, and Dan stared at it. Still confused, he opened it.

A thin metal circlet, with a black diamond in the center. A ring. Dan didn’t know why he was surprised. What else would fit in a jewelry box that size?

He slipped it onto his left ring finger. It fit perfectly.

There was a soft knock at his door. “Dan?” Phil asked. “Can I come in?”

There was no point putting this off, was there? “Yeah,” Dan said.

Phil cracked the door open, peeking in. “I thought I heard you up.” He took a step forward, closing the door behind him. “You saw the ring?”

Dan nodded, mute.

Phil blushed, looking away. “I guess you’ve figured out what that’s about. I, um. I know we’re already kind of married, but I thought it might be nice to do it again. The right way.” He walked over to Dan, sitting next to him on the bed. He carefully removed the ring from Dan’s finger, putting it back in the box.

Dan rolled his eyes. “Phil, I’ve already seen it. You don’t need to-”

“Shh,” Phil said. He opened the box again, tilting it so Dan could see in. “Daniel James Howell, will you marry me?”

“Phil, we’re already-”

“For real this time,” Phil said. “I wasn’t brave enough to ask you properly the last time, and I’m sorry.”

Dan looked at the ring, hesitating. “I don’t- I’m confused, Phil.”

Phil lowered the box, looking down. “That’s... understandable.”

“I have questions.”

“I can answer them,” Phil promised.

“Did you really want to get married for the taxes?” Dan’s voice sounded small.

“No,” Phil admitted. “I didn’t expect you to go along with it, honestly. I thought… I don’t know, I thought I could make this into a real relationship without having to talk about it.” He paused, looking up, meeting Dan’s gaze. “Why did you go along with it?”

“I don’t know,” Dan said slowly. “It just… felt right. I didn’t think too much about it.” He maybe should have thought a little more, but it was too late for that now. “When did you get the ring?”

“I’ve had it for a few weeks now.”

“Why?”

Phil looked back down. “I was going to tell you eventually. Really.” When Dan didn’t answer, he continued. “I’m not good at this. I’m sorry.”

Dan smiled weakly. “I’m not very good at this either.”

“My parents thought it was a bad idea.”

Dan was surprised. “Did they know?”

Phil cleared his throat, embarrassed. “I didn’t exactly tell them, but I think they might have suspected. I’ve… liked you for a while.”

Dan frowned. “But-”

“What?”

“That doesn’t make sense,” Dan said, brow still furrowed. He buried his head in his hands. “When we first met. I asked you out. You said you weren’t interested.” It felt weird to talk about now. Neither of them had mentioned it in almost five years.

“I thought- I don’t know.” Phil sighed. “I liked you, but I just couldn’t see a way it could work.”

“So you lied,” Dan said.

“I didn’t-” Phil started, but his protest died down under Dan’s cold stare. “I guess it could be seen that way,” he admitted, “But I don’t think I said anything that wasn’t technically true.”

Dan shrugged. “Still,” he muttered. A five-year-old rejection shouldn’t still sting, he knew, but it did.

“I’m sorry,” Phil said. “But- I think it could work now. If you’ll give me another chance.” Phil lifted the box back up. “Please?” he whispered.

Dan took the ring out of the box and slipped it on his ring finger.

Phil let the box drop to his side. “Dan, I’m the one who’s supposed to-”

“Shut up,” Dan said. “Yes, Phillip Michael Lester. I will marry you.” He leaned across towards Phil, and kissed him.

***

“Are you nervous?” his mum asked.

“No,” he lied. “Why would I be nervous?”

“It’s a big day.” She smiled and straightened his black tie, but Dan could tell from the way her fingers were shaking that she was just as nervous as he was, if not more so.

“I’m not nervous,” he insisted.

“All right,” his mum said, still smiling. She hugged him. “Are you ready?”

Dan nodded, straightening up. “Yes.” He wasn’t lying this time. He was ready for this; he had been for years.

Music started playing. That was his cue to start walking down the aisle.

“Hurry up!” his mum said, pushing him forward.

“Mum!” Dan said. “Calm down.” He took a deep breath, squaring his shoulders before moving forward. He opened the doors, and saw Phil waiting at the other end of the aisle.

Phil looked amazing, as always, in a pure white suit and tie. His dark hair stood out against his pale skin and white suit, and Dan swore he could see the blue of his eyes from where he was standing.

Phil’s face lit up as he made eye contact with Dan. Dan started walking down the aisle towards his husband, every step bringing him closer to the man he loved and the future he dreamed of.

[americanphancakes]

1/? I know everyone is happy about dan talking about the next chapter but I can’t help but feel bratty about it. It’s been a year and a half since dan was heavily involved with the fanbase. I completely understood time off preparing to come out that is big. But I expect him to be involved again after a couple months. A year since that happened and nothing’s changed. This isn’t meant to be negative at all just part of me can’t help but be sad. How long till the next thing happens?

2/2 Once that’s drops will be disappear again? Will he give us one upload a year? I don’t think dan wants to quit yt I just can’t think what dan actually does wants to do. And I’m not mad at dan or hate him in anyway. If anything I love him and phil so much that it’s the reason I have these feelings. I’m scared of losing hope or interest in people that have been a big part of my teen/adult life. I just waiting for nothing. I love them and I’m afraid of not caring. That’s my biggest fear. Sorry

No need to apologize! Your feelings are valid, that’s the first thing you need to make 100% sure you know. I’ve expressed some degree of frustration with people who are disappointed it Dan’s inactivity, but that doesn’t mean your feelings are stupid or even bratty. You’re fine! :)

My job here with an ask like this is to try and make you feel a bit better, I guess, but what I say may not have that function in the end, lol.

Dan walks the precarious line between being a person and being a product. That’s the case with a lot of people in social media, but also a lot of celebrities in general, which is unfortunate because it’s literally impossible for a person to be a product. They can play a role, they can present themselves a certain way, but they can’t give us what we expect from products. We want (and can usually safely expect) products to be consistent, reliable, and high quality. People, however, are inconsistent, messy, and flawed.

Dan has been a product for a decade, his ENTIRE adult life, during a period of time in which most people are free to figure out who they are without so many eyes on them, and without so many people judging them. Sure, we endure the judgement of our parents & peers, but peer groups change when we move, our parents stop watching when we move out, and even when we have those people judging us it’s only a few people compared to the scores of comments and reblogs and meetups Dan has had.

The funny thing about self-esteem is that the first ingredient is self-actualization. In order to be confident in who we are, we have to figure out who we are, on at least some level. And right now, Dan is probably spending time figuring out who he is. People get upset about Dan for not communicating his intentions for the future, but no one seems to take into account that he probably doesn’t KNOW what his intentions for the future are. Most of us spend university-age and up experimenting with majors, taking retail jobs, talking to people about their careers and families, and learning what options life has. Dan had a youtube career plus social phobias; he didn’t really have that option. He didn’t even have teen years where he experimented with career paths & talents, I mean he chose “law” as a career more or less arbitrarily -- it wasn’t a passion he was following because he hadn’t figured out what his passions were yet. Then he became a youtuber fairly young, and eyes have been on him, judging his every move and studying his habits and mannerisms, trying to predict his behavior even when, as a human, he’s never going to be entirely predictable, and that really held back his growth as an individual. When everything you do is going to have eyes on it, it’s hard to take any action that’s purely your own. You end up doing everything either to satisfy other people or rebel against them, never to serve yourself.

And clearly he’s been happy enough doing the YouTube thing for ages. It’s clear that he quickly developed a passion for connecting with people (even in AmazingDan you can hear his delight that the people on his channel can ‘be themselves’). But he never really figured out if youtube was the way he wanted to forge those connections, or if he was only continuing it because that’s what his audience expected from him.

It’s entirely possible he’ll discover that YouTube is the best way to connect with his audience in a personal way, and maybe eventually he’ll return to it full time. Or he may find that writing - whether that’s scripted fiction television or novels or anything else - is the way he’d rather go about it so he can work more independently for longer stretches of time. Maybe he’s trying to make his face less well-known so people don’t come up to him in public quite so often because that stresses him out; or maybe he’ll learn he misses those surprise fan encounters because they put a face on the people whose lives he’s touched. It’s impossible for him to know what would make him happy until he actually tries taking his life in some new directions and sees what happens.

Even now, a year after his last upload, we’re watching him and waiting and predicting his behavior based on whether he likes art on his birthday or not, and when you put yourself in the shoes of someone like Dan who has social anxiety and feels like he’s being watched all the time, you start to realize why he’s backing off. I mean.... no offense to my fellow phandom members but we are EXHAUSTING sometimes lol.

But I do truly understand the fun factor of trying to guess what he’s going to do next. The thing is, though, it’s his LIFE we’re trying to predict; not a plot twist on a tv show, or the pre-planned release schedule of a pop idol’s next few singles & album. We’re in the middle of Dan’s first proper gap year (one that, from the sound of it, is extending longer than expected because COVID-19 put a hold on something he’s been working on, so Dan can’t be blamed for that).

I think it’s very reasonable to be impatient about Dan’s absence from our lives. His content is wonderful, he’s a joy to listen to when he speaks, and he makes so many of us feel just that little bit less alone. But I do think we need to give him the grace & space to figure himself out. It’s a luxury a lot of us have, but he never really did.

I also think it’s very unlikely that Dan will stay away from us forever. That connection with us seems to be extremely important to him, however anxious he may be around people. We helped give him the strength to come out. He and Phil went on tour twice just to see as many of us as possible. He looks so genuinely happy to meet fans at conventions. He’s one of us, in so many ways, and I think he wants to empower us and make us feel like we belong. But I think it got to a point where he was letting himself burn to keep us warm, and he needed to back off for his own well-being and long-term growth as an individual. And as much as I miss him, I want to give him all the time he needs.

In the meantime, everything he’s done for us up until last year is part of us, and no one can take that away - not even Dan! Even if he never came back, even if he decided YouTube was too much and he couldn’t do it anymore, his words and the example he’s set is woven into the fabric of who we are now, and that is so incredibly important.

I strongly believe, even though we’ve never met, that Dan Howell wants me to be happy, whatever that means for me, and that he wants me to grab my existence’s reins and take my life wherever I want it to go, and that thought alone is enough to cheer me up. He wants that for you, too.

I hope this helps you feel a bit better, anon. :)

[unorthodoxsavvy]

Trying To Catch And Rescue A WILD Pigeon (fic)

This fic is for the wonderful @ttlmt who I know you all are already following wile they’re away as a coming-back present (and for a thank you for using their bad luck with timing of Phil uploading videos to give us not one but 2 new Phil videos while they have no service and cannot watch them).

Rating: G

Word Count: 1.6k

Characters: Dan Howell, Phil Lester, Steve the Pigeon, Scraggy the Pigeon

Ships: Dan x Phil, Steve x Scraggy

Find me on Wattpad

Phil was sitting on the couch, legs on top of Dan’s, scrolling through his twitter notifications, when one caught his eye.

“please help steve. his foot is injured and he might get really sick !!”

Phil went back to the photos and videos he’d shared of Steve for a closer look. They were right- Phil could see what looked like a piece of rope that had become tangled around the poor pale pigeon’s foot and it looked as if it was cutting off circulation. 

Phil showed the photo to Dan.

“Why don’t you put some more seed out and try and get a better look? You know he’ll show up if you do.”

So that’s what Phil did.

Phil sat right up against the sliding glass door, nose almost pressed to the glass and fogging it up slightly. When Steve swooped down to start eating, Phil could really see his foot. It was swollen and whatever had gotten wrapped around it was frayed, almost as if he’d had to free himself from being stuck on something but hadn���t gotten it all off, just managed to cut himself loose. It was bent inward slightly.

Phil sighed sadly. Of course he was going to help Steve, he loved Steve, but how?

Well, he knew the best thing to do would be to call an expert, so he moved outside to get comfortable and looked up the number for the RSPCA on his laptop.

The automated system picked up, stating that unless it was an emergency, than to please wait.

Was this an emergency? It wasn’t a pet, but it was in danger, Phil thought. He didn’t know how long it’d been tied around his foot, and he didn’t know how much longer Steve could hold out on his own- but this was a wild pigeon… it didn’t matter to him, of course- an animal in trouble was an animal in trouble. But he didn’t know the policies here, so he decided to send an email.

He expected them to confirm that it was not a big deal, and was surprised when the answer he received implored him to take care of Steve as soon as possible, as this was an emergency, and to call them right away.

Phil dialed again and waited for someone to pick up.

“Name?”

“Steve.”

“Steve what?”

“Oh my name! I thought you meant the pigeon’s name,” Phil laughed awkwardly, remembering that some places called pets in by their names instead of their owner’s. It wasn’t so far-fetched, right?

Out of the corner of his eye he could see Dan filming him on his phone.

Phil listened to the professional on the other end of the line, using his computer to look up things like addresses for offices to help and phone number for local vets, but they stressed that it would be best if Phil could catch Steve himself. Of course Phil agreed to, and hung up.

“What did they say?” Dan asked from behind the camera.

“They want us to catch Steve and bring him to a vet.”

“How the hell are you supposed to catch a bloody pigeon?”

“I don’t know!”

Phil started looking up methods to catch a pigeon.

“This one says to throw a towel over it, but that seems traumatizing.”

“As if you could ever manage to do that,” Dan scoffed.

“This one says to trap it under a box! How are you supposed to get it out from under the box! It’ll just fly away!”

Dan stopped filming and put his phone down to sit across from Phil at their patio table.

“Why can’t you just convince him to come inside or something? He’s already half way there.”

“How are we going to catch him inside?” Phil asked, but just then his eye caught a phrase on page 2 of his google search. 

“What if we train him to climb into a pet carrier,” Phil asked, focused on the page the link had brought him to.

“I mean that sounds more manageable than anything else you’ve found.”

So they went and bought a pet carrier.

Phil had Dan film him talking about his plan of putting seed in the carrier to lure Steve in gently as well as him explaining how he’d packed a towel in the bottom for maximum comfort.

Dan and Phil, though mostly Phil, over the next few weeks, made sure to try their best to only feed Steve and place heaping amounts of encouraging seed in the pet carrier. A new pigeon had shown up as well that Phil had named “Scraggy” because of her disheveled appearance, but she’d taken a liking to Steve. Phil knew he needed to help Steve get better so he could be reunited with his lovely Scraggy.

While this training was going on, Phil had taken to emailing various vets around the area looking for help. One responded kindly that they’d be willing to make an appointment for Steve. Eventually, though, they had stopped replying and Phil decided to pluck up te courage to make a phone call. It was for Steve, after all.

Phil had Dan film him again as he made an appointment for Wednesday.

Everything was set, and the only thing left to do was to catch Steve on that fateful Wednesday morning.

What could go wrong?

Wednesday morning arrive.

There was no sign of Steve.

Finally, after waiting around for hours, Dan spotted him in the tree.

“Get the carrier out,” Phil instructed.

“If he flies away when you come near it, how are you going to close the door?”

Phil’s eyes drifted in thought.

“Oh! What if we tie a string around it and close it by pulling the strong from inside?”

Dan rolled his eyes.

“Our lives are already a cartoon plot, might as well.”

And so that’s what they did.

Except, they didn’t have any string. Or yarn. Or anything, really. All they had were cords. 

Dan offered up his spare phone charging cord and started filming Phil tying it around the cage door.

“Alright, why don’t you pull it closed while filming and then I’ll run over and lock it shut.”

Dan looked up at him.

“Are you serious?” 

“Yes?” Phil smiled sheepishly.

Dan made a big deal of huffing and puffing about the plan but Phil knew that Dan would do it for him.

Phil sat the pet carrier full of seed laid upon the towel on their porch.

Dan crouched behind their ottomon watching as Steve slowly made his way into the pet carrier.

“Now,” Phil said when Steve was inside.

Dan pulled the phone charger.

Steve’s tail got stuck in the door but Phil was there in a second to push the door closed, and by that time Steve had already taken another step in. Scraggy was right behind the pet carrier, confused.

“Sorry Steve.” Dan zoomed in on the pet carrier. “We’re trying to rescue you.”

Scraggy waited patiently on the porch.

“Alright let’s head out.”

Phil walked down the street holding the pet carrier with Steve inside while Dan walked next to him and filmed.

The foot and car traffic were insane that afternoon, of course.

They made it to the vet without much incident, and the vet assistant met them at the door. They reassured Phil that Steve would “probably be fine” (which Phil didn’t like the sound of), and promised to call him with an update when they were done.

It was then Steve was handed over from the care of two bumbling idiots to animal medical professionals.

The two of them walked back home to wait.

It was only two hours, which, when you thought about it, didn’t seem too long, but for Phil it felt like ages.

Finally Phil noticed he had a voicemail, and had Dan record him while he played it out loud.

“I’m just calling you to let you know that the pigeon that you brought in to us is all done! He’s alright, we got the string off his foot, he did have to loose a toe unfortunately, but they adapt to that very quickly.”

“Do you want to pick him up now?” Dan asked after the recording was finished playing and Phil had finished talking to the camera.

“Yes, please.”

They walked back to the vet and picked up their bird.

They ended up needing to go in their lift to get back to their flat, which they had already ridden down to get to the street on their way out, and Phil wondered what it was like for Steve to ascend vertically without actually flying, and if he could tell they even were from inside the pet carrier.

Finally, it was Phil and Steve on the porch once more while Dan filmed.

Phil made a moment of opening the door to the pet carrier while the cacophony of London sirens clashed in the background. Phil had just put some more bird seed up on their feeder a moment before as an apology for Steve. To Phil’s surprise and delight, Steve flew up onto their railing area and then hopped down onto the feeder.

Dan and Phil laughed.

“I thought he’d be scared of me, but he’s just like ‘food?’” Phil bent down smiling to the camera.

Quickly he was joined by Scraggy, and the two of them sat in the feeder eating away as if nothing had happened.

Phil shuffled back inside.

Over the next few weeks Steve kept returning with Scraggy, and to Phil it looked like they were even building a nest. Phil knew that he couldn’t have Steve dependent on the birdseed alone forever and pledged to started weening him off the food.

Maybe some day in the future they’d have baby Scraggy and Steves.

And hopefully, if they did, none of them needed to be brought to the vet.

However, Dan and Phil had already proven to themselves that if that were the case, they were ready.

[lestered]

there's so much drama going on. arguing about the limits of fanfiction, some leaking dan and phils tax records. help!

ahh sorry i didn’t see this til now, this is my first time properly coming online all day and all of a sudden there’s a new phil video and this is happening?? i’ll just add my two cents real quick before i go watch phil and maybe do some giffing. the tax stuff is weird to me, but some people are very interested in dnp’s finances and the ‘leaked’ stuff was likely public information anyway, so there’s not a whole lot to say about that. it’s something i don’t really understand the appeal of, but hey, there’s a lot of things i don’t understand.

fanfiction.....i mean, the debate is never gonna be over. it comes in waves and the people with the strongest opinions - those who think rpf is completely unacceptable on any level, and those who think rpf is an anything-goes hobby - are never swayed. i’ve never actually said this because i figured i’d get hella cancelled if i ever did, but i kinda don’t care at this point: i don’t think rpf is a squeaky-clean activity, and i still write it. i don’t have the energy to have the morality debate with myself or anyone else over and over again, so i might as well say it. maybe i’ll elaborate on it some other time, but not right now. 

my advice as always though, is just take a step back and re-evaluate. if you ever get to a point where you feel legitimately stressed out about phandom interactions on tumblr/twitter/wherever, that’s when it’s time to have a think about stuff like who you follow, your level of investment in the lives of two british men who don’t know you exist, etc, and adjust how you engage with the phandom accordingly. that’s self care babeyyyyyy

[dnpsuck]

✨ DNPSUCK SURVEY 2019: RESULTS ✨

I considered doing some GrApHiC DeSiGn for this but I am too tired for this. This could be quite long but I tried being as simple and brief as possible.

GENERAL DISCLAIMERS:

This survey was done for entertainment purposes;

Forms were submitted from the 13th to the 16th of August of 2019 via Google Forms;

Due to the variety of answers provided by the ‘Other’ options where the subject was allowed to type in their answer rather than select a pre-existing answer, all answers were evaluated one by one and sorted by me into the categories that seemed fitting;

Future surveys will feature less (if any) ‘Other’ options;

Not all results total up to 100% exactly but I don’t know math so we’re just gonna have to deal with that;

Research isn’t my professional field and, again, this is for entertainment, mistakes were probably made;

There will be jokes related to the answers I got under the cut - if I make fun of your answer, don’t take it personally. It’s all in good spirits.

✨ RESULTS UNDER THE CUT! ✨

1- Do you follow me (@dnpsuck on tumblr)?

100% Yes

* This was a filter question: Forms submitted by non-followers got deleted.

2- How old are you?

62,1% 18 – 25

32% 13 – 17

4,1% 26 – 30

1% 31 – 35

0,7% Older than 35

0,1% Younger than 13

3- What country are you from?

51,6% United States

7,7% United Kingdom

7,4% Canada

4% Australia

2,8% Brazil

2,5% Sweden

2,1% Mexico

1,6% Germany

1,5% Russia

1,3% Spain

1,2% Finland

16,3% Others / Unable to count

* Others: Countries that totaled 1% or less

** Unable to count: Like, I literally couldn’t find them in the graph

*** Feel free to ask me what countries are in the ‘Other’s category!

*** @ 2,8% of you: É biscoito, caralho. Bolacha é o que vou dar na tua cara se continuar com essa palhaçada.

4- What’s your Zodiac Sign?

10% Gemini

9,4% Scorpio

9,1% Cancer

8,9% Aries

8,6% Sagittarius

8,4% Leo

8,1% Libra

7,9% Capricorn

7,9% Pisces

7,6% Taurus

7,1% Aquarius

7,1% Virgo

* I genuinely think that it’s very hot that I attract several Geminis and Scorpios. I personally think we’re the sexiest signs in the zodiac so I’m very happy about these results.

5- Gender?

73,6% Female

13,7% Non-Binary

5,8% Male

5,0% Gender questioning

1,2% Agender

0,6% Genderqueer/Genderfluid

0,4% Others

* All identities are valid but for the sake of a more compact research some submissions were sorted into the pre-existing categories that seemed fitting or into the ‘Others’ category.

6- Sexuality?

35,6% Bisexual

24,8% Lesbian

23,4% Queer

11,4% Questioning

10,3% Asexual

7,8% Pansexual

5,8% Gay

5,3% Heterosexual

0,3% Aromantic

0,4% Others / No labels

* Subjects were allowed to select more than one option for this question, so like, this affects the numbers somehow but I don’t know math so. Yeah.

** Again, all identities are valid but for the sake of a more compact research some submissions were sorted into the pre-existing categories that seemed fitting or into the ‘Others / No labels’ category.

*** @ 5,3% of y’all...... For real? In 2019?

7- Do you like Dan and Phil?

97,7% Yes

2,1% I used to, but not anymore

0,2% No

8- When did you start watching Dan and Phil?

31,1% 2013 – 2015

27,2% 2015 – 2016

20,6% 2011 – 2012

14,2% 2017 – 2018

3,1% 2009 – 2010

2,6% 2019 Post BIG and/or COTY

0,7% 2019 Pre BIG and/or COTY

0,5% Before 2009 (AmazingPhil OG stan)

*I have to bully 2,6% of my followers, apparently;

9- You are a:

44,3% Both

28,2% Dannie

23,2% Phillie

4,3% Neither

* Where my phillies at? Damn

10- Do you ship Phan?

88,8% Yes

8,6% Don’t know / Don’t care

3,5% No

* “Hmm, I don’t know. I could say I like killing people and I do that all the time but I wouldn’t necessarily call it ‘murder’ :)” Some of y’all sound like that.

11-  What's your opinion on Dan and Phil's relationship status?

86,7% I think they are and have always been in a romantic relationship.

8,1% I think they were in a romantic relationship, broke up and got back together.

4,0% Don’t know / Don’t care

2,0 % I think they were in a romantic relationship in the past, but are not anymore.

0,2% I don't think they were ever in a romantic relationship.

* Some of you did a lot speculation right before or after saying you didn’t feel comfortable speculating

** 0,2% of you did not watch Basically I’m Gay (2019) dir. Daniel Howell, and it’s okay. It’s who you are. But be better.

12- How did you find my blog?

55,0% Saw your posts and decided to follow

28,3% I don’t remember

24,7% Saw your gifs/edits and decided to follow

13,0% Someone recommended me your blog

0,3% I don’t know. I don’t even like Dan and Phil.

0,8% Twitter

0,6% Discord

* Subjects were allowed to select more than one option for this question, so like. This affects the numbers somehow but what’s a math?

** Shout out to the person who found my blog when I was liveblogging Christine Sydelko vs. Elijah Daniel drama and stuck around to see all this phannie shit going down. Sorry. <3

*** 4% of you mentioned Nora (@pseudophan​). Nora could’ve been her own category for this question.

13- Do you like me?

70,0% Yes.

29,8% I don’t know you very well.

0,2% No.

* At the same time that I appreciate the people who used the ‘Other’ option to say they loved me, I must say: Fuck you for making my life harder. Love you, too.

** @ 0,2% of you... Hi Nora :)

*** Just kidding, I saw Nora’s answers and she marked Yes for this one #lorarights

Feel free to ask me anything related to this survey!

Thank you for all your answers, hopefully there will be more surveys in the future! :)

✨ The End ✨

[dyxnamicart]

my stupid highschool oneshot thing

look im not a writer, (I used to be when I was fourteen, haven’t done it since then so ya know, you dont use it you lose it lmao)

Anyways this has been highly requested that I post it, im a bit mad because its not exactly how I wish their dynamic was, I’m not great at writing banter (or anything i’m an artist now plewse) but ya know Also DISCLAIMER: This is a piece of fiction, it in no way reflects real life Dan and Phil (In fact my au switches up their personalities a fair bit) and do not tag them okAY P E O P L E They dont wanna see it and I dont want them to see it (Even if this isnt a particularly shippy piece lmao people are getting very angsty as of late) I also don’t have an editor so sorry for any mistakes  Anyway here ya go heathens 

Dan didn’t notice the opposing teams jock barrelling towards him, not until his leg had swept under his own, causing him to fly through the air, ball no longer in his possession. 

In fact it all flew by in a matter of seconds. Dan didn’t really have time to process exactly what was happening until he felt the shock of pain that travelled up his wrist and down his arm as he landed heavily onto it, crying out as he rolled once or twice before coming to a stop… He couldn’t really tell. There was a whistle blow, but the bustling around him seemed dull in comparison to the loudness of the pain in his wrist. 

He hissed as he was righted, pulled up and put steadily on his feet, being ushered to the benches, it only felt like five minutes before the game was back on course, bar Dan to be left on the sides, a few claps on the back from his teammates as he let his head come down from the spinning it was doing. 

The nurse on staff did a pretty shoddy job of bandaging, but to her credit she did ask if he wanted an ambulance. If his dad knew an ambulance was called because he hurt his wrist... he didn’t even want to imagine the searing look of disappointment he would receive. 

So he just declined. 

The game was one of the final ones of the season, they were playing against the local private school, which had a surprisingly amount of suspiciously beefed up kids, though with private school money Dan wasn’t surprised they probably had some ins with the law and extra ‘help’. 

He really wanted to play in the final, in fact his coach had even been considering him for the team, not that Dan was amazing at football, but he wasn’t the worst. He was passable at best, probably why his parents weren’t here right now to witness the semi, something he supposes he should be counting his lucky stars for now he had an injury as mediocre as a sprained wrist, but now there was a nagging pull in his gut of his own disappointment. 

He waited out the game on the bench, figuring he should at least be there for his team for the results, even with a sprained wrist he didn’t want to run away without at least talking to a few of his mates afterwards. 

-

Phil didn’t see the tumble. 

He was perched up in the bleachers, trying to ignore the way the mild and darkening sky had began to stew whipping winds that tore right through the threads in his sweater, by sketching insurmountable things he could see. 

He didn’t usually go to games, not only was it not his scene, but he would either end up insanely bored or find his eyes following Dan Howell’s god damn limber body. But this was the semis, and he totally wasn’t here to occasionally glance at a certain panting number 91, he at least wanted to show his support for the school. It wasn’t his fault this game was boring and his sketchbook looked far more inviting. 

He only looked up when there was a big murmur and gasps coming from the crowd around him, and he couldn’t see who it was at first, but there was a boy sprawled on the ground. 

It didn’t take long to figure out it was Dan, and his eyebrows furrowed deeply, closing his sketchbook and shoving it into his bag. He ended up walking down a few rows in the bleachers, just trying to see if the daft idiot was okay, and he sat down again much closer. The nurse did an awful job at bandaging his hand, he could see that from here, and he would have to fix it after the game. Well.. he didn’t have to, of course, but he figured Howell was too much of an airhead to fix it properly and as much as the other grated on him he at least wanted him to be comfortable. 

When it came to the end of the game, Phil’s school lost, and there was a brief celebration for the other school as they paraded off the field, while Dan’s team just huddled around to talk to the coach and then walk to the locker rooms, obviously trying to act casual even if they had essentially just been eliminated from the finals. 

Looking around, a lot of the families and students were milling out, many of them disappointed by the outcome of the game.  

This was their star team, and there had been a surprisingly large turnout for the event, to have it all end this anticlimactically felt a bit wrong, if he was being honest, even if sports definitely weren’t his thing. 

Phil headed down towards the locker rooms, some of the boys were already heading out, chatting and bumping into each other as they walked. Boys were talking, over half of them shirtless. He tried to avoid looking at them, while Phil had come to terms with his sexuality internally, he wasn’t out to his school, despite the obvious digs lots of the jocks and ‘cool kids’ would make. He wasn’t exactly subtle. 

Dan hadn’t noticed him, he was sitting on a bench and chatting to a teammate, but some of the boys closer to the entrance had. 

“Ay! It’s Danny’s little bitch, what’s new Lester?” A boy Phil knew as Jason laughed, throwing an arm around his shoulders, leaning heavily on him. 

Phil grunted, and shoved him off. “I’m not anyone’s bitch. Especially not Howell’s.” 

There was an ‘oo’ that rippled through the boys, and it was safe to say that Dan had noticed him. He furrowed his eyebrows, and stood up. 

“A teacher told me to help Dan.. carry his stuff with his hand like that.” He faltered off, because that half baked excuse really did make him sound like someone’s bitch. But by this point people were beginning to lose interest and ended up either packing up to leave or going back to chatting amongst themselves about a hot girl or something Phil honestly couldn’t care less about. 

Phil walked towards Dan, throwing on a mastered look of indifference and annoyance.

“What are you doing back here?” The brunette sighed deeply, running his good hand through his hair. “As if I don’t already get clowned on enough from seeing you during actual school hours.” He said dryly. 

Phil rolled his eyes. “I saw that sad excuse for a nurse ‘wrap’ your hand. I’ve seen children under the age of 4 wrap toilet paper around themselves better.” 

Dan groaned as he fell back to his sitting position on the bench. “Good deed Lester huh? You aren’t a guardian angel you know.” 

“Are you going to turn down actual help with that wrist, Howell. Seriously.” He dropped his bag on the ground, and knelt down, ignoring the few whistles he got from the people still in the room. 

Dan rolled his eyes as he looked down at Phil, arched eyebrow and holding his injured wrist with his hand, like he didn’t trust him. “Fine.” He sighed, setting his hand down on his leg, looking down at Phil with a suspicious and unless he was imagining it, flushed face. 

Phil carefully lifted the brunettes injured hand, frowning at the small pang of guilt he felt when Dan hissed in a sharp breath, quiet, as if being a little louder would shatter his reputation in one fell swoop. 

By now the locker room had basically emptied out, Dan’s mates sauntered away, hefting their heavy gym bags over their shoulders as their voices echoed down the hallway and slowly faded into the cool night air. 

Dan and Phil sat in silence for a few moments as Phil examined the bandage. Dan seemed to relax a little, and he allowed the feeling of calm to wash over them now there was no eyes examining their every move. The indifference and hostility seemed to drain from the air.

He didn’t know if it was the late night game or the lack of people, but he felt as though he was back before highschool, back before their fall out. Before their life became a series of quips and tension seeping into the fond memories he once had for the boy in front of him. 

“Why do you play, when you end up hurting yourself like this?” His question was genuine, none of the concealed fire that was usually behind his voice when he talked to Dan. 

Phil used his other hand to unroll the bandage. He had seen the first aid kit it came from, the contents being the single bandage, two band aids and a single cotton swab. Not the most ideal for a sport like this, hands on and physical, but their school wasn’t really known for their state of the art resources. 

Dan looked unsure of whether or not he should give a witty response or answer seriously. In the end he seemed too exhausted to spit out a clever one liner. So he opted for the truth. 

“I don’t know..” Dan huffed a breath out of his nose, like he was out of practice with talking about his emotions. “The guys are cool.. people like a jock you know?” He pauses for a moment, like he was struggling with whether or not he wanted to continue. “And I kind of want my dad to be proud of me? You know my dad. I want him to think.. I’m one of the lads. One of the boys.. not a royal screw up son.” He snorted, good hand rubbing the back of his neck like he was trying to play off his words as ridiculous. 

But Phil didn’t laugh. 

“Proud of you?” He repeated, slightly quieter as he slowly started to wind the bandage around Dan’s stiff wrist. 

Dan shrugged, looking away and seemingly focusing on a spot far across the room, like he was trying to be anywhere but here, talking to a friend who had been distanced by time and change. 

But Phil remembers, he remembers his curly brown hair bouncing around when he was excited, when he was jumping around playing cops and robbers, he remembers his loud and boisterous laugh and the way his cheeks dimpled and filled with colour. He remembers a time when he knew the boy in front of him more then he knew anyone in the world. When he thought Dan was his forever friend and that nothing would ever change that. 

Guess something changed. 

“You know I’m proud of you,” He continued, not looking up from bandaging. He could feel Dan’s eyes on him now, he could feel the incredulous and doubtful eyes bore into his skin, see into his soul. He didn’t seem to have expected an actual answer in response. “I’m proud of you when I see you play piano. When I see your eyes light up and when you lose yourself in the keys. When you recite dumb Shakespearen poetry and when you are on stage commanding the spotlight, when the only person who matters is you. That’s what I’m proud of. That’s what makes me think, THIS is Dan Howell. THIS is who he is meant to be. Not a shallow jock with a sharp tongue and attitude. I’m proud of the real you.”

He clipped the bandage pin on the end of the roll, now safely locked on Dan’s wrist, and he went to pull his hand away but was stopped by a hand placed over his. 

Dan’s eyes were how he remembered, not in way they were for the past two years, glazed over as he tried to cram his way into a puzzle he didn’t fit into, but filled with an unfathomable tenderness and something he couldn’t quite put his finger on 

They didn’t need to exchange words, the soft smile Dan gave him spoke a thousand words, making up for time that felt lost before now. 

He stood up, finally dropping Phil’s hand and grabbing his jacket off the bench. “Come on, I’ll walk you home.” 

-

Their silence was welcoming as they walked down the hall towards the exit. The last few years had been full of quips and jabs, fast insults and banter that sometimes toed the line as not quite friendly. This silence, it was new, but it felt right. Dan couldn’t quite understand, but there was a shift that felt comfortable. 

Dan had known Phil a long time, longer then anyone in this god forsaken school. He was quiet and reserved and he enjoyed painting and drawing. He was creative, and he didn’t care what people thought of him. He was unapologetically himself, and that was something that he only wished he could be. 

For the longest time it was him and Phil. Dan and Phil against the world, playing Mario cart and watching shitty movies, always at each other’s houses like they belonged together. 

Then high school happened.

The desire to fit in hit Dan like a ton of bricks. While Phil was content to remain a Mario kart loving geek, Dan couldn’t stand being the butt of the joke. He couldn’t stand his dad being disappointed whenever he brought Phil home to do something nerdy. As the years went by it became a sort of crutch for him and Phil to make snide remarks at each other as they passed in the halls, glaring across the halls and that’s how it stayed. 

Don’t get him wrong, he loved to see Phil riled up. He loved to see his eyebrows furrow together and his eyes roll. His arms crossed and his posture unimpressed. If anything that was his favourite part, the way his voice flooded with heat and passion, as he stared at him with the intensity of a bonfire. He loved to tease him and play his surprisingly short temper like a fiddle.

But he wasn’t attracted to him. No way. Phil wasn’t a pretty girl. He did NOT find his eyes pretty and the way his hair sometimes fell into his eyes and his hands didn’t itch to run his hands through it. 

He was straight. He had to be. 

His heart dropped a little, and he couldn’t explain why, but he looked over at Phil, who was walking beside him. 

They were outside now, and it was raining, not too heavily but enough to get you fairly wet. Despite the fact Phil was wearing a sweater and long overalls, he could see him shiver, the fabric of the sweater probably allowed the biting wind to nip tight through it.

He shrugged off his jacket, and gently wrapped it around Phil’s shoulders, forcing them to stop momentarily. The street light cast a soft light over them, and his eyes met the other boys, and for a moment they stared at each other, Dan watching as raindrop followed the contours of Phil’s face, a drop following his cheekbone and the slope of his jaw. 

He coughed, rubbing the back of his neck again as he started walking. “Okay okay, lets get you home, Lester.” 

“Are you sure you aren’t cold?” Phil enquires inquisitively as he sped walked a bit to catch up with him. 

He shrugged. “Still running on adrenaline I guess.” It was a lie, he was slightly cold. But it felt right, and he continued to walk with him in silence. 

Phil was holding the jacket around himself as they approached his house, and they stopped just under the porch, the light flickering on to illuminate his face. 

Dan stuffed his good hand in his pocket, and he clicked his tongue as Phil went to shrug off the jacket to give back. “Nah, wash it first, don’t want your nerd germs on my clothes.” Despite the insult, he found himself smiling warmly, and Phil too just chuckled. 

“Alright, I’ll give it to you on Monday or something, Howell.” 

Dan saluted as he turned to walk away, and he could feel Phil staring through his back as he walked back into the rain. They were only a street apart, but he knew that was going to be one long walk. 

[basicallyimqueer]

party poison

summary: Dan wants to get properly drunk on New Years to celebrate the end of a decade, things don't go exactly to plan because he's kinda dumb

words: 2532

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It’s been a long time since Dan has been properly drunk. 

Eyes glazed, speech-slurred drunk. Falling over furniture drunk, hanging onto Phil like a lifeline. It reminds him of a younger self, one huddled in the woods with a group of teenagers that he wanted so badly to impress; downing liquids that burned his throat and caused full-body shivers to shake his spine.

That type of drinking is such a juvenile thing now, in his mind, though at the time it seemed so grown-up. The summers that he spent playing spin-the-bottle with his emo friends were a nice break from the taunts and bullying that accompanied him like leeches within the school halls. Those words couldn’t touch him, though, when he sat by a bonfire and his numb tongue got to taste the vodka on each of his friend’s lips. 

There was no judgement in that group, not even when his mouth lingered on the other boys’ for longer than the girls. The lack of judgement may have been due to everyone being absolutely pissed, but it still counted. 

Then there were the university months, before his inevitable dropping out. Being in the law program and not being equipped with better coping mechanisms for it, he let himself go to way too many house parties with people he barely knew. The difference with those gatherings was that he had Phil, who was a voice of reason even if only via text. The most trouble he ever got into then was the occasional party being shut down by the hall staff or having to pay way too much for a cab to get back to his room. He doesn’t have much to regret from those times, besides being grossly hungover on exam mornings. 

Looking back from the present day, he thinks he hasn’t been fully drunk since their TATINOF party. It was the last occasion where he really let himself loose, sending out a nonsensical tweet with shaky fingers and even pulling Phil out onto the dance floor without checking for vlog cameras. The consequences of that night, as small as they were, put him off it for a while. That, paired with their stupidly busy schedule in the following years, made for quite the sober Dan. Phil hasn’t been drunk since then either, but Dan thinks that might have something to do with him being a nice, sensible man in his thirties. He usually respects and even envies the soft kind of reservation Phil holds about these things, but tonight it’s not going to do. 

It’s New Year’s Eve, and he’s going to be entering a whole fucking new decade with the man he loves. If that isn’t cause for celebration, Dan doesn’t know what is. It isn’t totally his fault that he got an early start on the night and now he’s seeing double at only 10 p.m. – the bottle of red wine he had been nursing while watching Youtube had emptied out with no warning. When the last few drops hit his tongue he was mildly confused, and when he stood up to put it away, his feet seemed to belong to another body. 

Phil wasn’t ready to start drinking until later, when tipsy, wine-fueled Dan thought it was a good idea to sneak a shot of their salted caramel flavored vodka. Even with the added sweetness it still made him let out a strangled cough as the nail polish remover aftertaste hit the back of his throat. That’s how Phil found him, standing in the kitchen with his face screwed up in disgust. 

“Getting started already?” Phil asks, grinning as if he’s in on some secret.

Dan tries not to let it show on his face that he just tossed an empty, kind of expensive wine bottle in the trash – however, he’s unsure what his face is showing. It doesn’t feel like it belongs to him. 

“Guess so. Join me?” 

His hands shake a bit as he pours another shot and hands it over, and Phil only looks marginally suspicious as he accepts. He doesn’t take it immediately but leans against the counter and holds the glass delicately between his fingers. 

“You look traumatized, is it that bad?” 

“Yeah, you suck at picking flavors. And alcohol in general.” 

Dan leans forward to poke him in the chest, miscalculating a bit and getting him sharply in the collarbone. He blinks slowly as he rocks back onto his heels, an apologetic look on his face. 

“Ow. I’ll be the judge of that. Your taste buds aren’t right.” 

“Okay, cheese-boy,” Dan snorts. 

He watches as Phil tilts his head back, barely hesitating as he takes the shot. The long expanse of his throat is weirdly appealing, Adam’s apple moving ever so slightly as he swallows it down. Even when he finishes it and his face scrunches up in the same way Dan’s had, he’s still weirdly pretty. His face is clean-shaven from his recent Christmas painting video and his blue eyes are bright, the way they always are after a nice trip to the Isle to see his family. Dan wants to kiss him very badly. 

“Don’t gloat about it, but you’re so correct. My love for sugar has failed me this time.” 

They end up pulling out a couple of Coke bottles to chase away the taste, and Dan makes it to his second shot of the night before he’s caught out. Half of it splashes down onto his Star Wars pajamas and when he disregards that to drink the other half, the glass rim hits his teeth in a way that makes his shoulders hunch up in a harsh cringe. The next thing he registers is a wad of paper towels being dragged across his leg and Phil’s other hand dragging through the hair on the back of his head. 

“Don’t gotta clean me,” he mumbles, letting his head fall onto Phil’s shoulder – he feels like he’s in the middle of the ocean, being rocked by insistent waves. 

“How much have you had?” 

“I’m okay, really. Doing good good great.” 

“That’s not an answer,” Phil laughs. 

Secretly, Dan thinks it’s his fault for not knowing – if he hadn’t spent all day in the office working on that comic thing, they could have shared that wine bottle and it would have been a romantic start to the New Years festivities. Instead, Phil is entirely too sober, and the floor is swaying even though they are grounded firmly on their barstools. 

“Worry about you, you need to catch up. I’ll wait.” 

“I have all night to catch up, it’s hardly half ten. Let’s go to the lounge, yeah?” 

“Or the bedroom,” Dan winks, but Phil only stands up and hoists him up from under his armpits. 

His legs are jelly, but eventually he maneuvers them to the sofa and collapses onto it. Phil disappears again into the kitchen, and he’s comforted by the sounds of him puttering around in there. 

“Take another shot at least! One shot is basically nothing!” He yells, probably a touch too loud. 

There’s the sound of clinking glass and he knows that Phil listened, which is nice. That reassurance doesn’t last forever because then there’s nothing – no Phil returning and little to no noise happening all throughout the flat. Dan sinks down into the sofa cushion and pulls a pillow to his chest; the decision to wait out the nothingness fails him as his eyelids start to weigh themselves down. Sleep has almost taken him by the time his shoulders are being shaken, jostling him back into reality. 

“Drink,” Phil says from somewhere above him. 

Dan reaches out, half-expecting his grabby hands to be met with the small glass from before, but it turns out to be a cold, larger one. He opens his eyes to see the water splashing around inside. 

“Not thirsty.” 

“You have to have water, Dan. I found the wine bottle in the trash. You’re sneaky, and you’re way drunker than I thought. Now take a sip.” 

Phil’s voice isn’t harsh, but there’s no wiggle room to argue with him. If he wasn’t incapable of feeling anything other than weird and sloshy, Dan would probably find it kind of hot. He opens his mouth when Phil guides the glass to his lips and drinks it down, not caring when some of it misses and dribbles down the side of his neck and onto the sofa. They can deal with that later. After what feels like a lifetime, Phil takes the cup away and sits next to him on the sofa. Dan immediately rests most of his weight on him, running his hands over Phil’s chest in little circles. “

I’m sorry, baby. I didn’t mean to have all the wine, wanted to share. You were busy, though.” 

“I told you I’d stop working before eleven. I just have a lot of deadlines looming in the distance.” 

“Please don’t be mad at me.” 

Phil laughs a bit at that, grabbing at Dan’s chin so he can kiss him from a better angle. The stupid salted caramel nightmare flavor is vividly present, lingering on his lips after Phil pulls away. 

“I’m not mad. I just need you to sober up a tiny bit before midnight.” 

“I’m plenty sober, bub.” 

“You sure are.” 

“Why should I be sober by midnight anyways? Don’t need to think to kiss your dumb face.” 

Phil huffs in amusement, then reaches for the bottle on the coffee table and pours another shot. It’s only half full, but Dan can’t tease him for it when he’s stuck trying to figure out when it was brought in here from the kitchen in the first place. Maybe he would like to be a little more aware of his surroundings for the start of a new decade. 

“You’ll feel better in the morning, for one. Secondly, drunk kissing is only good if both of us are unaware of how bad it is. We need to be on the same level so that I don’t have to deal with your sloppy mouth, mister.” 

“Whatever, drunk-Dan is sexy. Now excuse me so I can go piss for three minutes straight. I had a whole bottle of wine.” 

“Very sexy,” Phil quips. 

Despite his obvious slight annoyance, he hops off the sofa and helps Dan stand up by holding onto his arms and stopping the gentle sway that came from being vertical. They hobble off to the bathroom and bicker the whole way – midnight feels lightyears from now.

Midnight comes sooner than either of them could have kept up with. In a non-shocking turn of events, Dan had peer-pressured Phil into getting past buzzed and into flat-out drunk territory. It was a victory for no one, though, because that meant Phil spent about half an hour lying on the lounge floor with his eyes closed, trying desperately not to be sick. Dan couldn’t help him much, in his state, so he just played one of his Spotify playlists on the speakers and hoped that the chill vibes would drown out the whining. 

Phil tried to distract himself from the nausea with a game of I Spy, but from his place on the floor he could only see the white ceiling. Dan guessed it correctly every time, each round sounding more dead inside. 

Some more time passed with reluctant snacking on microwave popcorn and leftover Domino’s straight from the refrigerator that kind of helped them sober up some. Dan was sitting at the dining table with his head resting against the cold surface when he heard a sharp gasp from the lounge. 

“Whaaat?”

“It’s 11:58, Dan!” 

“Ugh,” is all Dan could muster, turning his head to the side so that his cheek would get some of the coolness instead. 

He squints his eyes, watching Phil climb off the floor and stumble way faster than he should be moving into the dining room. His cheeks are flushed, and his stupidly pretty eyes are suddenly all wide and excited. It’s hard not to let that excitement hit him as well, but his head is just so fucking heavy right now and Dan never wants to move. He decides to gather up as much strength as humanly possible though, because Phil is now bouncing on the balls of his feet impatiently, lower lip jutting out. 

“11:59! Come on, we gotta do the thing!” 

“Alright, fuck, I’m up,” Dan grunts, holding onto the back of his chair once he’s at eye level with Phil. 

They huddle closer together and suddenly Dan is hit with just how much this moment means to him. His heart is working overtime, hammering away in his chest with what feels like a weird mixture of nerves and genuine happiness. He smiles at Phil in a way that hurts his cheeks, watching him intensely as Phil stares down the phone screen to check the time. 

“We’re supposed to kiss while it’s changing, not after the moment has passed, you weirdo,” he laughs, bringing his hands up to circle around Phil’s shoulders. 

Phil shoves the phone into his pocket and lets out a nervous giggle. 

“Sorry. I love you,” he says, and then he’s finally kissing Dan in the way he’s been thinking about all day. 

It’s uncoordinated and messy, but it feels so right with cheesy smiles pressed together and roaming hands sliding beneath shirts. If Dan had more brainpower to think about everything they’ve been through and experienced in 2019, he’d probably be having a little bit of a cry right about now. He’d probably do something sappy like kiss Phil through his tears and get choked up while telling him about he proud he is of them. As it is, though, he just squeezes Phil a little bit and buries his head in his shoulder. 

Phil’s arms come down to wrap around his waist and they stay like that for a moment, swaying back and forth. The music is still playing from the lounge and even though it’s some obscure indie artist that Dan doesn’t even like that much, it feels fitting and floaty and far away.

He lifts his head and kisses Phil on the cheek. 

“I love you so much. We’re going to have so many decades together if humanity gets its shit together and stops global warming.” 

Phil laughs and reluctantly pulls his hands away from Dan’s hips. 

“Even if they don’t, we can go to the moon. I’ll be right back.” 

Dan hadn’t missed the way his face had gone a bit pale since the end of the kiss, or the miniscule twinge of fear in his boyfriend’s face that grows more impending by the second. 

“You need to be sick?” 

“Very much.” 

“Right, run to the bathroom. Go!” 

Dan shrieks a laugh when Phil doesn’t budge fast enough and pulls him by the arm to rush to the toilet. They almost trip a thousand times on the short run, but they make it on time. It may not be the ideal, romantic New Years Eve that Dan had envisioned, but they have plenty of years to work on their planning skills. This one is just fine for now.