#sorry mary is everything to me. not my fault though

[vulpinesaint]

forever so baffled by sects of christianity that don't venerate the virgin mary. don't you see how special she was for taking on that task... don't you see the beauty and tragedy of motherhood... don't you know she loves you like she loved her son... don't you hold her in your heart like a mother too...

[apute11as]

Liability - Alexia putellas x reader (+platonic Lucy bronze)

Based on this little request of ficlets (more will follow) x

Warnings: no warnings just Alexia being overly protective

- part of the “everything happens for a reason” universe 🤗

It was around 9pm and Lucy had just returned from dinner and analysis with the team when her phone started to ring. Glancing down at it, she was met with a picture of Alexia bent down as you poured champagne into her mouth out of the Champions league trophy, a contact photo that captured a rare moment of pure joy from the Catalan midfielder. Lucy wondered what on earth would her captain be calling about this late at night, worried it was to yell at Lucy for not telling her that you were pregnant, the second she found out. Hesitantly, Lucy accepted the face time.

“Ay dios mío Lucia today would be great” scolded Alexia.

“Sorry Ale but may i ask why you’re calling me out of the blue?” She replied

“Y/n is pregnant.” She stated bluntly.

Ah yes Lucy could see this one coming but she was not about to be blamed for anything Alexia was ready to accuse her of.

“She is. Congratulations.” Lucy responded in an equally blunt tone.

“I’m very happy” Alexia added.

“You really sound it Ale” Lucy mocked

“Excuse me?” exclaimed the blonde, a hint of annoyance laced her voice.

“Why are you calling me Alexia, I’m very happy for you both too but this phone call seems rather pointless, like something that could’ve been done over text?” Said Lucy, hoping her captain would get to the point so she could be on her way to bed.

“Right yes, there was a point” Alexia stated, clearing her throat as though she was preparing a pre-match speech. “I love y/n very much but she’s ridiculously stubborn, I mean she hid a whole pregnancy for a while just so she could play in this tournament. Whilst I’m mad at her, I can’t say I wouldn’t do the same so with that being said, I’m asking you to watch over her for me.”

Lucy was taken aback, she was not sure what she’d expected from this conversation but this wasn’t quite it.

“You’re asking me to babysit your wife?” Laughed Lucy

“Sort of? I’m just saying I know I already told you to make sure she didn’t do anything stupid, like play through and injury and when I told you to keep an eye on her sickness and stuff but now she’s carrying mi princesa, even more of a reason why I won’t let her do something dumb.” She explained

“Alexia you and I both know how stubborn she is, if I start hovering she’ll kill me” Lucy argued

“Fine I tried to be nice, she always tells me if I use my captain voice it’s not fair but Lucia I swear to God if anything happens to her or my baby I will get you benched for the rest of the season and then kill you” Alexia responded with a stern, demanding voice.

“Okay okay but if she finds out and calls you to complain that’s your fault not mine” bargained Lucy.

“Si si, of course! Make sure she eats enough, lots of vitamins, make sure she doesn’t train too hard, make sure she gets lots of sleep and-“

“Crshhhhh lo siento Capi the phone is- crshhhh breaking up- crshhhhh”

And with that Lucy hung up, rustling her crisp packet worked every time with Alexia as she had been told by you, bless Alexia and her inability to understand technology.

Just as Lucy opened her hotel room door, Mary came running down the corridor with you on her back, Alessia and Ella hot on her heels. Dear God what had Lucy gotten herself into.

[woso-dreamzzz]

Playing Favourites V

Leah Williamson x Child!Reeader

Summary: The Euros

The day before the final, you're in tears.

It's all Leah's fault and she sobs too.

They'd had some morning training before Sarina had sent them all off to spend time with their family before the match tomorrow. Leah had slipped out of the hotel as soon as she could, passing Alessia and her little sister on the way and then bumped into Mary taking her own little sister to a café.

It seems that everyone had the same idea to hang out with their little siblings because Leah had that idea too, collecting you from Mum and immediately taking you to the park.

You're still tiny and your little legs get very tired so Leah carries you most of the way until she can sit you on her lap on the swings.

You really like the swings, giggling every time Leah pumps her legs and goes a bit higher.

She doesn't see you too much but it's safe to say that you're still in that stage where you absolutely adore her. You're still at that point where everything Leah does is hysterically funny and cool and you want to do exactly what she's doing, no matter how small you actually are.

Which is probably why you don't tell her that she's pushing you too fast on the roundabout. It's going very quickly and it makes your head all dizzy.

Leah keeps pushing it faster and faster and faster though and your tight little grip on the bars loosens and you shoot off it like a rocket.

The roundabout is still spinning as Leah stares in horror at your little crumpled body. You sit up, bottom lip wobbling and promptly burst into tears.

She swears and leaps into action, brushing the dirt off your clothes before checking your head.

You've got a cut on your forehead. It's not bad or anything, it's barely bleeding but you whine and sob every time she touches it.

"I'm sorry, bean," She coos to you as you try to bat her hand away," Just a second. Just a little more. You're being so big and strong."

Leah's digging in the little backpack she packed for you and pulls out that most outrageously big plaster she can find before sticking it firmly to your head.

You sniffle. "Kiss better," You order.

"You want me to kiss it better?"

"Magic healing kisses," You say," Like Mummy's."

"Okay, bean," Leah says, pursing her lips," Are you ready? Here comes Leah's magic healing kisses." She presses multiple all over the plaster and then several more over your cheeks until you are no longer crying.

"Play more?" You ask, pointing over at the slide and Leah winces at the idea of you falling off it.

She shakes her head. "Let's go meet up with Mum. We're having lunch with her, remember?"

You huff but allow yourself to be led away by Leah before you're hefted up into her arms when another bolt of guilt jolts down her spine at the plaster on your head.

"Oh, what happened, little bean?" Your mummy asks when you both join her at the restaurant.

"Fell," You say with a little shrug, completely over it now as you draw all over your puzzle page," On spiny thing. Splat on the ground."

"I spun it too fast," Leah says sadly when your attention is fully on your drawing again," And she got flung off it. She was bleeding, Mum. It was terrible. She was crying."

"She's little," Her Mum says," She cries when she's a particularly cute puppy. It was probably shock, Leah. She's fine now and that's what matters."

"It was my fault. I'm such a bad sister."

"Leah, you're a good sister. You had today off and what did you do? You decided to take Bean to the park. You're a good sister. She adores you."

Leah isn't really convinced but she settles as you blindly reach out for another crayon.

"Bean, did you have fun at the park with Leah?"

You didn't look up at your mummy's question but you do nod your head. "Played on swings," You say as you scrawl the yellow on the Leah stick figure you've drawn," And fed ducks. Got ouchy but Leah did magic kisses so all better."

"That's nice," Your mummy says," Now, do you know what you want for lunch yet?"

You're on Leah's mind all throughout the match the next day, all the way until the final whistle and all throughout the medal ceremony.

"Look, bean!" Leah says as she pulls you over the barrier.

"Medal!"

"It is!" Leah laughs. She wraps an England flag around your shoulders, tying the corners together so it's like a cape. "Here, put it on."

She slips it over your head and you poke at it, the sudden weight around your neck feels a little weird but Leah is beaming so you smile too.

You don't leave her arms for the entirety of the pitch side celebrations, even when you completely crash out against her. Further up the pitch, Leah can spy Mary swinging her own little sister around while Alessia's little sister is kicking a ball around with her and Ella.

You're exhausted though, knocked out cold in Leah's arms with her medal still around your neck and the plaster from yesterday still stuck firmly across your forehead.

"Hey, man," Leah says as one of the photographers walks past," Do you mind?"

She beams at the camera, adjusting her grip on you so your sleeping face can be seen properly.

It takes a few hours for her to get sent the photo to her phone but it immediately becomes her Instagram profile picture and her lock screen.

It gets hung up in her locker too, so everyone can see you and her together.

[ask-bad-end-sunny]

"Come on, let's get out of here while it's stunned...!"

"R...right...!"

. . .

"Huff...Huff..."

"...That was close...at least we're safe now...unless that thing is able to leave the lake..."

"...Huff...I...I don't think it can..."

"..."

"...?"

"...Sunny..."

"...If this is really you...then...I...I'm so sorry..."

"I...I know that I put you through so much...I did...such awful things...terrible things...I made everything so much worse for you..."

"I'm sure that it was because of me that you did what you did to yourself..."

"N-now, because of me, everyone is even more miserable...because you're gone...it's all my fault...I...I understand if...you hate me."

"I...I ruined your life...I...I...made you want...want to..."

"...Calm down, take a deep breath..."

"...You don't have to be sorry, Basil...and don't blame yourself for what happened to me..."

"...It might be hard to believe...but, I made the choice, and chose to do what I did..."

"...I...was scared."

"The fight we had the night before I was supposed to move away...it made me realize that, if I didn't tell everyone the truth about what happened to Mari before I left...nothing would ever get better...for anyone."

"...But...even then, I couldn't find it in myself to be able to do it...I was still so scared of them getting mad...or hating both of us...or just making their pain worse..."

"...I didn't want to live with that shame...so...I thought there was no other way...other than..."

"...Well..."

"...S...Sunny..."

"...We've both done things that we shouldn't have...things we aren't proud of..."

"...But, I believe we can still make this right...even though I'm gone."

"So, I'm glad I was able to finally reach you...I knew you were hurting a lot because of what happened...just know, that it wasn't your fault, Basil."

"..."

"...I...I understand...its...such a relief to hear that from you, Sunny..."

"I'm...I'm...so glad..."

"Thank you...so much..."

"..."

"H-haha...sorry...I'm still just so shocked... that this is actually happening..."

"It's like...you're really a ghost or something..."

"It was a shock for me, too...you have no idea."

[maryleclerc]

𝐫𝐨𝐲𝐚𝐥, 𝐩𝐫𝐢𝐧𝐜𝐞𝐬𝐬 𝐲/𝐧 𝐢𝐧 𝐡𝐞𝐫 𝐨𝐰𝐧 𝐰𝐨𝐫𝐝 — charles leclerc

prince!charles leclerc , princess!reader ; already divorce

summary: in which princess y/n decided to interview with royalty: in their own words after her divorce with prince charles leclerc. and her life after the divorce

au: this just an extra part of 𝐫𝐨𝐲𝐚𝐥𝐭𝐲, 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐟𝐚𝐥𝐥𝐞𝐧 𝐚𝐩𝐚𝐫𝐭

warning: english is not my native language, use google translate. this is just a fanfiction, please do not take it seriously!

read all my royal series here

yourusername

Liked by lewishamilton, charlottesiine, arthur_leclerc and others

yourusername Spending the best time of my life with my bestiee, love you charlottesiin

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charlottesiine Love you too my bestie, wish you always be happy

⤷ yourusername 🥹❤️

vivianawllms Happy look great on you Y/n

finnhenry_ She looks so great after her divorce with Prince Charles Leclerc

hachii__ How are you feeling right now Y/n?

⤷ yourusername I’m feeling WONDERFUL ✨ thank you for asking 🤗

charles_leclerc

Liked by arthur_leclerc and others

charles_leclerc Although the issues between me and Y/n have been resolved amicably, I myself have been a husband, close friend and an important person to you and you’re also an important person to me. I want to write this letter to expressing gratitude and apology to you, Y/n for the hurt and loss during the past time. First of all, I would like to sincerely thank you to you for everything that you’ve done for me, our family, and secondly I want to sincerely apologize not being able to be there to support you while you was suffering from postpartum depression, and I also feel very sorry for having a relationship behind your back. Now to think back, I really didn't know what I was thinking back then at that time and did these illegitimate things, maybe I really didn't deserve the love and affection from you. In the end, the person who was hurt the most was Y/n, once again I would like to apologize to you from the bottom of my heart. And I also want to wish you a very happy life, Christian and I will always be there to support you in every decision you makes. You’re the best things that ever happened in my life, It’s my fault to not knowing how to kept my own happiness save. I still really love you �� yourusername

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yourusername Thank you to you too Charles, I had alot of happy time with you…

penelope_jamess Well atleast he knows he has done a wrong things

charles_myprince Y/n, she does not deserved all of this shit to be happen to her. Even though I’m a Princes Charles Leclerc fan but I’m cannot believe what he had done to her.

hrhcharlesleclerc I just hope he truly realise what he had done

yourusername

Liked by charles_leclerc and others

yourusername It’s Christian time ✨

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billyjonas Are you with Prince Charles Leclerc?

⤷ yourusername Yea we decided to take Christian and his cousin to visit a strawberry farm today

arthur_leclerc Christian and Constantine, when did they get so close?

jeniferr They looks so cute together

montecarlo.royal

34,819,441 likes

montecarlo.royal Princess of Monte Carlo today celebrate The Monte Carlo Day. She wearing this elegant long brown dress, more attention to her earring belong to the late Queen Mother, Queen Mary to to commemorate the passing of the late Queen Mary of Monte Carlo.

They both seem very happy together at today ceremony after 2 years of their divorced.

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annafashion I really like the way she dresses, elegantly, luxuriously and aristocratic, always showing a pure beauty while exuding feminism.

y/nleclercc I wish that Y/n and Prince Charles Leclerc can be back together :(((

herikson_ She’s glowinggg 😩🥹

lillyhana This felt like a Princess Diana and Prince Charles, but it’s a Monte Carlo version of it

yourusername

Liked by pierregasly, charles_leclerc and others

yourusername Hello! I wanted to write this post to just to update some new things in my life after everything had happen. May some of you curious about the situation between me and Charles, and everything between us are fine now. Also there’s some rumour about my new relationship with Pierre.. How excited it is to confirm that I am now in a relationship with F1 driver Pierre Gasly, so it’s not a rumour anymore.

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gomezriiaz She’s dating Pierre Gasly, this is so insane 😩

jaqueengg Y’all stop talk shit about this relationship

kookook Look how happy she is, so freaking prettyyyy

philpp I don’t know how does Christian feel about this

wgebbn Cannot believe she’s move on this fast, just after 2 years?

⤷ mckayly wtf? What do expect? Wanted her to be crying her eyes out and begging Charles to take her back? 🙄 Y/n’s a strong women :))))

4 years later

royalbreakingnews

49,025,421 likes

royalbreakingnews [BREAKING NEWS 🚨] Today, the media discovered that after 6 years of divorced, Princess Y/n and F1 driver, Pierre Gasly also as known as the closest friend to Prince of Monte Carlo are now officially engaged and expecting their first child together. The couple appearence today at Prince Charles Leclerc of Monte Carlo niece infront of the palace where the Royal Ceremony held. Being ask about Christian felt about Pierre, Y/n said “He like Pierre alot and he also felt comfortable around Pierre, which make me so relief” Prince Charles also said if Y/n’s happy with him then he’s 100% support her relationship with Pierre.

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katherine Pierre Gasly, what?!!!.

f1pierregaslyy Hope he’ll not treat her the way Charles did, but still I don’t think it’s possible

yourusername

Liked by pierregasly, charles_leclerc and others

yourusername Welcome Agatha Perrie Gasly 🤍

Comments are limited

charles_leclerc Congratulation Y/n, Christian are so excited to meet his baby sister

⤷ yourusername Yea, he’s all excited like a fluffy ball running around with happiness haha

arthur_leclerc What a pretty name

⤷ yourusername Thank you to you for help us chose a name

pierregasly

Liked by yourusername and others

pierregasly My life would not be complete without you

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[cinnamontoastcrunch-15]

I posted a oneshot on my ao3 and forgot to post it here haha. Enjoy!

"Right, what has got you moping about?" Mary asks suddenly, snapping Sirius out of his daze. 

"Hm? Nothing, nothing, I'm fine," He says back vaguely. He's prepared to go back to staring into space, feeling a bit sorry for himself. Mary, however, isn't one to drop a topic. 

"You haven't talked my ear off about anything today, and it's weird, okay? What's going on?" 

"I-" He looks at her a little helplessly, but she just arches an eyebrow. Okay, so she isn't going to let this go. "I asked a guy out," He concedes with a sigh. 

"Okay, and?" 

"And he said no," Sirius adds, after an unimpressed look from Mary. 

"Sirius, I love you, and all, but you can't act like this every time someone doesn't want to go out with you. You'll be over it in a day or two, anyway!" Sirius just shakes his head, frustrated. He really doesn't think he will, not this time. 

Not with Remus. 

Yeah, he's had fleeting crushes, but Remus has been a constant. Somehow, he has stuck around, at the forefront of Sirius' mind, since fifth year. In two years, Sirius fell head over heels in love with his best friend. Well, more realised that he had never done anything but love him. 

So of course he's a little mortified that he brought Remus to the top of the astronomy tower and confessed everything, only for him to turn bright red and stutter a quick 'no'. Still, there's something else. Something that's nagging at him, that he's really hoping isn't just sadness induced delusion. 

"That's not it," Sirius says, half-truthful. "I don't think he rejected me because he doesn't like me." 

"Sirius..." She looks at him carefully, and Sirius knows he needs to elaborate. 

"Listen, I'm not stupid. I know what the signs are, and I'm sure there's something there. The amount of times we've almost kissed, I mean..." for a moment, his mind gets lost, having to blink harshly back to reality. "I- I can read him like a book, okay? There's something else going on. Some other reason why he said no. Some stupid, self-deprecating, endearing reason, and I need to know what it is." 

Mary just looks at him blankly for a second, before shrugging casually and leaning back against the sofa. 

"Ask him, then." 

"...yeah. Yeah, I think I will." 

-

Remus is revising. 

Well, trying to revise. 

No, he's staring at his book. 

It's not his fault, though! It's all Sirius'. Sirius and his stupidly perfect face, looking Remus in the eye and telling him that he loves him. Every single braincell in his head is taken up by picturing it again. Honestly, he doesn't know if it's daydreaming or torture. It doesn't really matter in the long run, it still has him pretending to flick through the pages of his History of Magic textbook, sitting up against a tree by the lake. 

He's so wrapped up in his thoughts that he doesn't even hear a person approach. He's blissfully oblivious to the presence of another person until a voice rings out. 

"Hey, Moony? Can we talk?" Sirius snaps him out of his daze. Almost immediately, he shoves his book aside, feeling a little like he's been caught thinking about him. Like Sirius can read his thoughts, or something. He cranes his neck slightly to look at the standing Sirius, and almost immediately feels guilty. He's shooting Remus a polite smile, but he can see the hurt that he's trying to cover up. 

"Huh? Yeah, yes, we can, yeah," Remus says quickly. Sirius wastes no time in dropping down opposite Remus, eyes meeting his. He isn't really sure what Sirius is going to say- 

"How do you feel about me?" He asks suddenly, watching Remus carefully. 

"What- what d'you mean?" Remus asks, confused. 

"I mean, did you really reject me because you don't have any feelings for me?" Involuntarily, Remus' eyes widen, shock rippling through him. He was hoping that they'd never have to talk about the whole... confession thing again. He's not even sure he can find the words, really. Instead, he focuses all of his energy into keeping his eyes on Sirius', not letting them fall to his mouth. "We never have to talk about this again if you don't, I promise," Sirius says quickly, almost reading Remus' mind. "I just- well, tell me you don't have feelings for me. Say the words." 

"I- I don't-" 

This is harder than Remus expected. 

He fights with himself for a few seconds, before just sighing. 

"I don't want to lie to you, Sirius," He says hopelessly, shrugging slightly. 

"So you do? You have feelings for me?" 

"Yes, Padfoot, I have feelings for you," Remus admits in a rush, feeling his face heat up. Sirius smiles triumphantly and, even now, that grin makes Remus' heart warm. A kindness weaves it's way into Sirius' features, concern etching into his eyes. 

"Why'd you say no, Moons? Was it- is it me? Whatever it is, I can work on it-" 

"No! No, it's not you, I swear!" Remus says hurriedly, his mind solely on reassuring Sirius. "It's me, it's all me, really." 

"Remus," Sirius says, with a tone so earnest that Remus feels compelled to stop and listen. "There's nothing about you that would change the way I feel, okay? Not a thing." 

He needs to stop saying everything Remus has wanted to hear. It's just making it all more painful. 

"What about the moon?" He says quickly, practically incoherently. 

"The moon? What-? Oh, Remus, you know I don't give a toss about your... furry little problem," He says calmly, glancing around for students as he speaks. 

"I quite literally turn into a monster every month, Sirius!" He exclaims quietly, desperately. Sirius isn't getting it. "You can't really hold onto any feelings. You might think you do, but you don't. You'll get over it, Sirius. I'm not doing that to either of us when it'll be over in a month, anyway." 

For a second, Sirius just stares at him. Christ, he's fucked it up, hasn't he? Sirius isn't even going to want to be his friend anymore- 

"I'm in love with you." 

Oh. 

Oh. 

"I think I've always loved you, really," Sirius adds with a breathy laugh. "And that's not in spite of anything. I don't love just one part of you. I love you. All of you. That's not going to change anytime soon. Especially not since I've known that for well over a year. You can tell me you're not good enough, but I disagree. You're everything, Rem. Merlin, I wish you could see that. I've known you for years. Your lycanthropy hasn't gotten in the way of how I feel; not once." 

"Not even-?" 

"Not once," Sirius emphasises, reaching out and grabbing Remus' hand. He squeezes it once, offering him a gentle smile. "You aren't going to change my mind. If I'm not changing yours, then I'll keep trying. Now that I know you have feelings for me, I'm not going to stop trying to make you see what I see." 

Sirius' other hand reaches out and presses against Remus' cheek. Honestly, Remus is dangerously close to tears. Too much is happening, making his head reel. He's not even sure what compels his next decision. 

All he knows is that he's leaning in and kissing Sirius. 

He hears a small, muffled noise of surprise escape Sirius, before he's kissing Remus back in earnest. It's... everything Remus could have imagined and more. Sirius' lips are soft against his, the hand that was sitting comfortably on Remus' cheek winds around and lands on the nape of his neck instead. Remus wishes that could be it. 

Instead, his brain decides to keep whirring, forcing him to pull away and talk again. 

"I'm going to die first. Shorter life span," He blurts out, instantly wincing at himself. Sirius just arches an eyebrow. 

"You're not dying tomorrow, right?" Remus shakes his head, confused. "Then it's a bit early to be thinking about dying," He says with a grin. Oh, Merlin, how it makes Remus' stomach swoop. "What else have you got? Hit me with it." Remus finally smiles properly. 

"Can't think of anything off the top of my head," He says calmly. 

"Okay, great! That means we're going to try, right?" Sirius asks gently, looking at Remus hopefully. 

"Yeah. Yeah, we're going to try." 

[monstermoviedean]

the thing is. does cas ever actually really apologize? i remember him saying “i failed you dean/jack/ma—” and “i dropped by the ball” and like yes he is visibly guilty which implies he’s sorry, but i genuinely can’t recall him ever actually verbalizing “i’m sorry” regarding his actions or mary’s death itself??

and look i’m not saying that would’ve made everything better. ofc not. but i’m the type of person who genuinely really appreciates verbal apologies, giving and receiving them. and i guess it just bugs me a little, personally, that cas says he “already apologized” to dean about mary when he sorta kinda didn’t? and then it turns into a fault of dean’s? idk idk i guess i’m just rambling and ranting in your asks lol

i was wondering this myself so thank you for giving me the perfect opportunity to go back and look!

tl;dr he says "i'm sorry" about not telling dean and sam about jack killing felix, and he says "sorry about rowena" once she's dead. that's it. all attempts at apologies under the cut (and some response to the rest of what you said)

disclaimer that it's possible i missed something, but i scanned the transcripts for 14x18 through 15x03 and here's everything i can find cas saying that is apology-related.

apologies in 14x18:

so this is definitely an apology for not telling them about felix. it's an explanation of why he wanted to believe jack was good and why he didn't tell them. it's somewhat accepting responsibility for mary's death BUT. he is trying to say he failed her. not that he did anything wrong, but that because he failed while trying to do the right thing, that's why she's dead. i get what he's going for but i think that a statement like "i failed" is often expected to be followed with "no you didn't, it's okay." it's not the same as "i'm sorry" to me, though i do think cas was genuinely trying here.

nothing in 14x19, 14x20, 15x01 (mostly cas defending jack and suggesting he did nothing wrong or didn't know he was doing something wrong)

15x02:

he again names that not telling dean about jack was an issue, but then it's "what happened with your mother." it's oddly divorced from the context. it's kind of passive. like it was some tragic accident that couldn't have been prevented. i think cas might think it was an accident, and i think that's okay - but i would imagine dean would react poorly to hearing it framed as an accident when someone killed his mom.

aaaaand 15x03:

that's it. that's the apologies.

there's definitely feelings of guilt, and attempts to take responsibility, but in doing so cas is extending the existing patterns. he's not apologizing. he is saying "ah, it's my fault and i feel bad so i will fix it by doing good things" and then not communicating about that or trying to learn from his mistakes. for me, the "i'm sorry" matters, but the intent matters more.

totally respect your position on verbal apologies - that's entirely valid and i get it! just speaking for myself here. if cas didn't say "i'm sorry" but was clearly trying to change his behavior in a way to repair their relationship and make up for what he'd done, i would be okay with that. if he said "i'm sorry" but didn't really seem to mean it, it wouldn't sit well with me. but here he seems to genuinely believe he has apologized, he has done enough to earn forgiveness. and that's a little baffling to me. i'm not expecting cas to give a therapy-speak perfect apology but i'm expecting a little more than this.

thank you for rambling and ranting in my asks i always appreciate it <3

update: i think cas felt remorse for what happened to mary. not questioning that. but i also think he was apologizing more because he wanted to move along with the process. he wanted to apologize as soon as possible because the logical steps go: 1) cas apologizes 2) dean accepts and/or forgives and/or makes cas feel better about it 3) back to normal. and i can understand cas wanting to get back to normal and this being an expression of grief. but i also don't think dean is wrong for not wanting or being okay with that.

[marvelfanfn2187a113]

The Same Page Part 10

Sherlock and Mycroft & little sister!reader

A/N: guys I’m so sorry, this chapter was NOT supposed to take this long…but hey, now it’s here, enjoy! It’s a little short, but I like where it ends.

“I can’t believe him! ‘My mess,’ as if—“

“Sherlock, if you start another round of ‘blame Mycroft,’ I swear I will hit you again!” John thundered.

Sherlock was taken aback. “Are you saying you agree with him?”

“Now not this again,” John groaned. “It’s not about sides, Sherlock, it never has been.”

“That sounds like something someone taking Mycroft’s side would say,” Sherlock argued.

“If you would put your ego away for two seconds—“

“That’s enough!” Both men shut up instantly at the sound of a woman’s voice entering the conversation. Mary was glaring at both her boyfriend and his best friend with equal annoyance. “Both of you are idiots.”

Sherlock looked like he was about to retort, but Mary interrupted him.

“Sherlock, you know darn well that you’ve made a mess. From what Mrs. Hudson told me, your older brother left in a towering rage with your little sister, who couldn’t even speak. That implies at least a little fault on your part, alright? But that’s not the problem. The problem is that you want everything to go back to the way it was two years ago. Now don’t try to deny it, you were acting that way when you found out about me, and you’re acting that way now.”

“So what if I am?” Sherlock grumbled finally. “It’s best for her if—“

“No, no. You haven’t been here for two years, and you need to at least consider the possibility that you don’t know what’s best for her, not anymore.” At Sherlock’s glare, she continued. “If you can’t do that, at least consider this; if this goes down to a custody battle, Mycroft will win, there’s absolutely no doubt. So you need to decide what’s more important—you getting your way, or you being able to see your sister again.”

When Sherlock still looked uneasy, Mary gave one last attempt.

“Your pride or your sister, Sherlock. That’s what this comes down to.”

Sherlock took a deep, steadying breath.

“I have to go see Mycroft.”

…

You were quiet again when you woke up, and Mycroft found himself desperately trying to regain some form of control. He led you back to your stool at the kitchen counter and tried again to get you to eat.

“Please.” Mycroft spoke quietly. “You know how important it is that you eat.”

He watched you pick around your food for a few minutes. He was willing to be a silent observer at first, but when he picked up on the slight irregularity in your breathing and the tears tracking down your face, he stepped in.

“Talk to me,” he insisted. “I need you to tell me what’s going on.”

…

You tried to make yourself eat, you really did. But the fear was back in full force, and it was making your stomach twist in ways that made even the idea of food want you to throw up.

Ever since the thought of CPS had creeped into your head, you couldn’t get it out. Even though Mycroft said he wouldn’t go, what if he did? Or what if the custody battle got CPS on his back again, and they decided that both Holmes’ brothers were unfit to raise you?

You’d have to talk at the custody hearing, and then the judge would see how screwed up you were, and everyone would see how skinny you were because you couldn’t eat…

You had to eat, you had to eat, you had to…

It was too much. Too much pressure, too much uncertainty.

“I need you to tell me what’s going on.”

Mycroft’s words gave you something else to focus on, but you didn’t think you could speak any better than you could eat.

You opened your mouth, closed it, cleared your throat, and tried again.

“I don’t…wanna go away.”

“Go away?” Mycroft’s eyebrows furrowed. “You’re not going away, you’re not going anywhere.”

“What if…” you took a shaky breath. “The custody case goes wrong?”

“The what?” Mycroft shook his head. “No, Y/N…Sherlock and I won’t go to court, ok? We…” Mycroft swallowed. “We can figure this out without a judge, ok? We will. And I’m never gonna let anyone take you away, ever.” Mycroft watched as you look at him, then your food, then back to him. “Hey,” he said. “Even if you can’t get back on your schedule, no one can take you away. Don’t let this scare you, alright?”

You turned in your chair, fiddling with your fork for another minute or two before taking one bite, then another.

“Thank you.” Mycroft pressed a kiss to the side of your head. “Hey,” he said once he was sure you had eaten as much as you could. “Sherlock is coming over. I know he…he said some messed up things to you, but he wants to talk to you. Is that alright?”

You nodded slowly, taking Mycroft’s hand and letting him lead you to the couch.

The two of you were comfortable with the silence for several minutes until a knock at the door had Mycroft jumping up.

“Sherlock,” he said. “Stay right here, I’ll get him.” He returned a moment later with Sherlock, who looked uncomfortably stiff.

“Look,” Sherlock began, his attention completely on Mycroft. “You’re right—you have custody, and I can’t fight for it, because you’d win. So we’re doing this your way whether I agree or not.”

“Alright…” Mycroft’s eyes drifted to you before he looked at Sherlock. “But I didn’t really bring you here to talk with me.”

“I don’t know what else there is to say,” Sherlock said, his eyes going from you to Mycroft. “She wants to be here, I can’t change that.”

“Sherlock,” Mycroft was glaring now. “What about—“

“Look,” Sherlock cut him off. “I’m not going to talk to her with you listening in and interjecting all the time. Can we have a minute?”

Mycroft looked to you, and when you nodded he stood.

“Alright,” Mycroft decided. “Let me know when you’re done.”

“You’re not an invalid,” Sherlock said when Mycroft was gone. “But we all know that things are different now. I just want to put them back the way they were. Don’t you want to go back to school? Don’t you want to be the way you used to be?”

You let the words hang in the air as you considered them, picking each one apart. You wanted to go back to school…some time…but you knew it would be a while before you’d be ready for that. And as for his other question…

“I don’t think I’m ever gonna be who I used to be.” Your voice was barely above a whisper as you curled in on yourself. “I…I know that’s not what you want…”

“It’s not about what I want,” Sherlock argued. “I’m just trying to do what’s best for you. Can’t you at least try to go back to what it was? It’s the only way you’ll get better.”

“I am trying,” you argued, your hands fidgeting.

“Ok,” Sherlock continued. “And I’m just trying to help you—that’s why I was treating you like nothing had changed.”

Sherlock’s desperation to explain himself just made you even more frustrated.

“But I…I’m not…”

“Mycroft isn’t going to treat you like you’re normal,” Sherlock said. “I will.”

“I don’t…I’m, I…” you clamped your mouth shut to hide your quivering lip, not like you knew what to say regardless. What Sherlock said made sense, but it didn’t at the same time. And you couldn’t tell if he was saying it because he believed it, or because he just wanted you to come live with him again. You knew sooner or later the brothers would have to ask you again, and you’d have to choose eventually.

You couldn’t do it. You didn’t want to. You couldn’t—

“Hey, hey.” Sherlock’s hands on your shoulders brought you slamming back to the present and out of your head, jarring you. “You’re not breathing—just breathe.”

You tried to take a deep breath in, but it caught in your throat and you started to breathe faster and shallower.

“I’m—I need—you nee—“ Sherlock was wide-eyed and panicked as you started to hyperventilate and your face went sheet-white. “You’re ok, you’re ok,” he soothed, shaking your shoulders gently to try to snap you out of it. He stopped when you started to curl in on yourself, rubbing at your chest and gasping for air. “M…” Sherlock’s voice caught in his throat, and he swallowed hard before trying again, his voice coming out in a yell. “Mycroft!”

Mycroft was in the room in a moment.

“I…I didn’t…” Sherlock looked from you to Mycroft. “I didn’t mean to…I…”

Mycroft ignored him completely, brushing past him and kneeling down in front of you, taking your hands in his.

“Y/N,” he said calmly. “Y/N, look at me.” When he saw your eyes completely unfocused and the way your face was turning colors from lack of air, he gave up the gentle approach. “Ok, ok…” Mycroft sat on the couch next to you and pulled you into his arms. “Y/N, I’ve got you, it’s ok. Breathe with me, ok? In…out…come on, you can do it, in…out…yes, like that…”

Sherlock stepped back, a useless observer while Mycroft helped you. His mind was clear again once you began to breathe, and his thoughts came back like a firestorm.

You couldn’t breathe. You couldn’t breathe, and there was nothing Sherlock could do. He had been completely and utterly useless. Worse, he didn’t even know what he’d done to set you off. He’d thought the two of you were having a perfectly productive conversation. But then you…

With everything going on in his mind, one thought was clearer than the rest:

He was wrong.

You didn’t belong with him.

Series Taglist:

@navs-bhat @isabellavere @chaoticglitterkitten @peachycupotea @justforrose @severussimp

[ladyeyrewrites]

Bun in the Oven

Rated M

Chapter 4/4

The final chapter of the trans!Tommy mpreg 8x07 rewrite

Read from Chapter One

Read on Ao3 or below the cut.

After the cookies were done and Jee had eaten far too many of them, Buck plopped her down in front of the TV to watch Daniel Tiger. She was on the verge of getting too old for the show and Buck knew he’d have to figure out a replacement sooner rather than later, but for now Jee seemed content to watch it. Once Jee was settled, Buck helped Tommy with the rest of the clean-up.

“I saw you almost texted me today,” Buck said, taking the rinsed mixing bowl from Tommy and drying it off. They wouldn’t get into another shouting match if Jee was there and Buck itched to know what Tommy had been going to say, why he’d changed his mind, why he’d come over. He wanted to know if he was allowed to give into hope or not.

“Of course you saw that.” Tommy shook his head ruefully, a fond smile tugging the corners of his lips. At least, Buck hoped it was fond. “Thought better of sending you a “can we talk?” text in the middle of your shift,” Tommy said. “Didn’t want to distract you, but I guess I did that anyway.”

“Yeah,” said Buck. “But I’ve had a hard time think about anything beside you-know-what.” Jee didn’t seem to be paying attention, but you never knew with kids and the last thing he wanted was news of Tommy’s pregnancy getting back to Maddie prematurely. “I’m sure it’s been worse for you though. I mean it’s happening to your body. I can’t imagine what that’s like.”

“Terrifying,” said Tommy. He started wiping down the counter.

“I’m sorry,” said Buck. And he was sorry that there wasn’t more he could do to help Tommy through this.

“It’s not your fault,” said Tommy. “It would’ve been fine if my insurance hadn’t dropped my old doctor.”

“Still, you can’t deny that I played a part in this,” said Buck. “Unless you believe in immaculate conception.”

Tommy snorted. “Pretty sure the Vatican would have a field day if they caught wind of you comparing the Virgin Mary to a knocked up trans guy.”

Buck shook his head, glad Tommy was feeling well enough to make a joke about it. He wanted nothing more than to delve straight into the conversation, but Jee was still awake, and they had at least another hour before Maddie and Chimney were supposed to pick her up. “Wanna watch Daniel Tiger?” Buck asked motioning to the sofa.

“Sure,” said Tommy and there was a hint of that crinkle-nosed grin Buck loved so much.

They settled in on either side of Jee and continued watching episode after episode well past the time when Jee had fallen asleep, curled up against Tommy’s side. And Buck gave in.

He dared to dream.

To envision that this was their future: Tommy and him sitting on the sofa with their kid asleep between them, binging episodes of a kid’s TV show because they didn’t dare turn it off in case the kid woke up. And he so desperately wanted that dream to become a reality. He couldn’t lie to himself about that, not anymore.

Even if he was only setting himself up for devastation.

#

Maddie and Chimney let themselves back into the loft, tiptoeing around the corner until they caught sight of Tommy.

Both their eyebrows shot up at the sight of him trapped by the sleeping Jee. Maddie shot Buck a questioning look.

Buck shrugged.

Chimney scooped Jee up and bundled her out the door while Maddie hovered.

“Are you back together?” she asked.

Buck looked to Tommy whose calm demeanour vanished under wide-eyed, palm-sweating panic. “We haven’t had the chance to decide that yet,” said Tommy.

“Kinda hard to talk about with a kid around, huh?” said Maddie.

“Yeah,” said Buck, but he couldn’t help but notice that Tommy hadn’t said no in answer to Maddie’s question and that only served to build the tower of hope teetering inside him, ready to be knocked down with a single word from Tommy. “I’ll, uh, call you tomorrow.”

“Good,” said Maddie. “Because I want to know everything.” And then she hugged Buck and followed her husband and kid out of the loft.

Buck locked the door behind his sister and turned to Tommy. “So,” he said. “I guess we need to talk.”

“Yeah,” said Tommy. He still seemed nervous, hesitant, as though he was afraid of how Buck was going to react to what he had to say.

That did not seem like a good sign to Buck, but he waited for Tommy to gather his words.

“I want to keep the baby,” Tommy blurted out all of a sudden and hope soared through Buck. Hope and joy and fear because Tommy still seemed anxious and why was Tommy anxious? “And I don’t think it’d be fair to you to keep your kid from you. Not with how much you love kids and how much I know you want to be a dad.”

Buck grinned, relief flooding through him. “Okay,” he said. “I want that too. I want to be there for you and our kid.” And then he realised that Tommy hadn’t said anything about the possibility of them getting back together and he deflated a little. “What does that mean for us?” he asked.

Tommy sighed. “When you gave me that speech about how much you admire me, it made me uncomfortable,” he said. “Like you’d built me up into some paragon of queer triumph over adversity. It made me wonder if you even saw me for me. If you even liked me or just the idea of me that you’d built up in your head.”

“Oh God, I did do that, didn’t I?” Buck groaned. “I was trying to compliment you.”

“I know,” said Tommy. “But it made me put my guard up.”

“And then I went full Buck and asked you to move in with me even though you already have a house,” said Buck shaking his head. “That was thoughtless of me. I guess, I just wanted to show you how I felt, and I didn’t know how else to do it.” He shook his head. “I’d probably have been scared to.”

“It wasn’t just how sudden everything felt.” Tommy sighed “I meant what I said when I broke up with you. As much as I want to be you last, I know that I’m not.”

All joy, Buck had felt burnt up in the rage that Buck had kept banked inside him since the night of the breakup. “I think that’s for me to decide,” he said. “And you’re wrong about you being my first. Sure, you’re my first boyfriend, but you’re not the first person I’ve ever loved. You’re the first person I’ve ever truly seen a future with. And okay, maybe I rushed things asking you to move in with me and talking about marriage and kids before telling you I loved you. Maybe I should have done a better job at telling you that I see the real you and I love the real you. I love you and I want to be with you, and it’s not just because of the baby. I don’t know why you think that I’ll break your heart, but don’t I deserve the chance to prove you wrong?”

Tommy stared at him in stunned silence, eyes glassy with gathering tears. “You’re right,” he said at last. “I should’ve told you about my past and I shouldn’t have let my fear get in the way of us having an actual conversation.”

Buck sighed. Hesitantly, he reached out and put a hand on Tommy’s shoulder, rubbing his thumb against Tommy’s bicep. “Do you want to talk about it?” he asked.

Tommy heaved a massive breath. “I don’t know that I’m ready yet,” he admitted. “And you’re right about what you said the other day: the baby complicates things. I believe what you’re saying, but there’s always going to be a part of me that wonders if I’m holding you back from finding your person. If you’re only staying with me because of the baby.”

“I get it,” said Buck. “If I was in your shoes, I’d be scared of the same thing. But at some point, you’ve got to let go of the fear and just trust me. Trust me the same way you trusted Hen and Chimney and flew into a hurricane.”

Tommy laughed. “Are you comparing our relationship to a hurricane, Evan?” he asked.

“Maybe,” said Buck. “I’m not saying you’re not right to be scared. Pregnancy and parenthood are supposed to be scary, and I can’t even imagine the amount of dysphoria this is causing you which probably makes it worse.”

“You’re not wrong there,” said Tommy.

“But I need you to listen to me when I tell you that wanting to be with you and wanting to be there for the baby aren’t the same thing and I want both. Even if you get scared sometimes. Even if you yell sometimes or you don’t feel strong. You’re allowed to show me those sides of yourself. I mean, you’ve seen all my jealousy and insecurity and weirdness. Let me see yours.”

Tommy sighed, but he leaned into Buck, letting his head rest on Buck’s shoulder as he wrapped his arms around Buck’s waist. “What if we get back together and we have this kid, and it doesn’t work out and our kid ends up caught in the crossfire?”

Buck put a hand to the back of Tommy’s head, petting his hair in gentle circles. “I don’t know what the future holds and neither do you,” he said. “Because whatever guy broke your heart in the past, I’m not him. And I can’t promise you that things will be perfect. No relationship is. I mean the number of times Maddie and Chim called it quits before deciding to just be together is crazy considering how perfect they are for each other.” He shook his head. “My point is, we can’t know what’s going to happen until we try. And no matter what happens, I know that we’ll both put our kid’s happiness before our own because we both know what it’s like to have parents who didn’t do that for us.”

Buck felt Tomy nod against his neck. “You’re right,” he said.

“It happens sometimes,” said Buck.

Tommy chuckled. “Don’t let it go to your head.” He leaned back, just enough to look Buck in the eye without letting go. “I got so scared of losing you that I convinced myself it was inevitable, and I decided it was better to lose you on my terms than to have it come out of the blue.”

Buck shook his head. “Guess I’m not the only idiot around here,” he said.

“God, our kid’s not going to stand a chance,” said Tommy, deadpan.

“Oh yeah, we’re going to have our hands full,” Buck laughed and hugged Tommy closer. “So, what do you want to do, Tommy?” he was glad he couldn’t see whatever play of emotions was currently staging itself across Tommy’s face.

“I want everything you talked about the night we broke up,” said Tommy. “I’ve wanted that from the start. I just didn’t think I could have it because I didn’t think I’d ever be enough for someone as wonderful as you. I thought we’d move in together and the image you have of me would shatter and there was no way you’d be able to love that guy.” Tommy drew in a deep breath. “But I want to move in together – my house not your loft, though. It’s not child friendly. I want to raise our kid together. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I’ve always wanted that. I just thought you wouldn’t. Not with me, anyway.”

“Yeah, well, you thought wrong,” said Buck. “Because I do want that. Do you trust that I want that? That I want you? That I will always want you? And you don’t need to worry about my image of you shattering, because that kinda happened the night you broke up with me. And I still love you. Hell, I think maybe I love you even more.”

Tommy took a deep breath. “Yeah, I trust you, Evan.”

For the first time in days, Buck felt relieved. “You know when you shouted at me the other day.”

“I’m sorry about that,” Tommy groaned. “My emotions have been all over the place. And I guess now we know why.”

Buck grinned. “Actually, it was kinda hot seeing you all messed up like that.”

Tommy snorted. “So my crisis was a turn on?” he leaned in towards Buck.

And Buck couldn’t help himself. He scooped Tommy’s face closer to his and captured Tommy’s bottom lip and Tommy tasted like home and promise and family and forever.

#

It wasn’t an easy pregnancy.

There was the added stress of moving in together and decorating a nursery and deciding to go to counselling together so they could truly work through everything. But beyond that, Tommy existed in a constant state of dysphoria for the next thirty weeks and, while Buck did what he could by covering the mirrors and info dumping about how male sea horses and sea dragons carry their litters to term after the female transfers the fertilised eggs to the male’s brood pouch and so really being pregnant wasn’t an exclusively female situation after all and that seemed to help.

That and Buck tracked down a few companies that made masculine and gender-neutral pregnancy apparel because Tommy had been worried about being forced to finish off his pregnancy wearing earth mother sun dresses.

But none of that could really touch the dysphoria brought on by Tommy having to pause his testosterone or the physical changes to his body. All Buck could really do was be there for Tommy and listen.

And then Tommy hit the thirty-eight-week mark, and their son decided it was time to enter the world, slightly ahead of his new cousin (Buck only learned Maddie was pregnant after she revealed the news to him after he and Tommy had shared their news once Tommy had made it past the first trimester).

And holding his son in his arms for the first time – his perfect, tiny son that he’d actually get to keep – Buck couldn’t help but feel grateful to himself that he’d fought to have this moment. That he hadn’t just let the universe dictate who he’d end up with but had instead chosen to fight for Tommy and had talked Tommy into fighting for them despite his fears.

“Look,” he said to Tommy as he placed their son on Tommy’s chest. “Look at what we made.”

Tommy grinned. “He’s perfect.”

@silversky9 @unhingedangstaddict @ironspiderdad12 @beanarie @sporadicmakerwerewolf @azaharinflames @aisatsana441 @bugboybuck

[missmaywemeetagain]

A Pink Scarf Thanksgiving 💗🧣🦃

A very happy Thanksgiving weekend to those who celebrate! ❤️

This blurb came out of nowhere, in a fit of Thanksgiving inspiration (and a special thanks to Norah for inadvertently nudging me towards a Thanksgiving prompt)! Because of this, it is not overly edited or revised. I will say, I'm not sure yet just how canon I want this to be in terms of the PS Universe, but I figure it came out of me for a reason, so I decided to go with it for now. 

I think my current moody headspace influenced the vibe for this--for us fans, it's a slightly indulgent "what could have been" scenario. But that's PS in a nutshell, isn't it?  🥹

Anyhoo, I hope this hits you in the feels! And I hope you know just how much you matter to me, even though I've been a bit MIA recently. 

Much love xoxoxox, Madi 💗

TW: It's 1977, so...medical issues/trauma/strife. Panic attack. Thanksgiving stress. A little hint of sexy at the end bc I couldn't leave you on a melancholy note! 💋

A Pink Scarf Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving 1977

“You’ve got to be kidding me.”

“I’m sorry, Mrs. P, but the oven is out. Lamar took a peek, but the thing is as cold as ice and don’t look like it’s gonna be warm any time soon,” Mary says, looking as distraught as you feel. “I’m sorry I didn’t catch it sooner.”

The naked, trussed, and cold turkey on the counter mocks you.

“No, no, it’s not your fault, Mary. We’ll…figure something out,” you try and reassure her, but it feels like a weight has just been placed on your chest. You pinch the bridge of your nose to stave off the massive headache that began early this morning when Nicky barged into your room at the crack of dawn sobbing because he’d had a nightmare that Mr. Gobble Gobble, a monster turkey, had eaten Daddy instead of the other way around.

This was one of many nightmares that your poor little boy had suffered since August, but certainly the first starring a murderous Thanksgiving turkey. He’d barely been consolable and neither of you had gotten back to sleep.

You take a deep breath, holding back the tears that threaten your vision.

Today needs to be perfect. It was supposed to be perfect.

But you should have known. After all, this year has been far from perfect.

You force yourself away from the wave of despair trying to overcome you. No, we’ve been lucky, you think. It could be so much worse.

Unfortunately, your nerves are shot, which makes sense considering the last few months you’ve had. You’ve kept it together so well. You’ve had to. For Nicky. For Elvis. But that tried resolve begins to crumble with the pressure of it all, as though everything that has happened is hitting you all at once.

Now you have a house full of hungry people, Elvis will be home any minute, and your usual quick-footed problem-solving skills have flown out the window. Your hands begin to tremble.

The panic swells as the kitchen swarms with people looking to you for direction, and in that moment, Nicky runs through the adults, chased by one of the other kids. It happens so fast—you barely have time to register the commotion before disaster strikes.

You watch in horror as the kids fly into the sideboard, knocking the precious side dishes and desserts onto the floor with a resounding crash.

The collective gasp of the adults in the room sends your panic into overdrive.

Thanksgiving is officially ruined.

“Oh, for fuck’s sake!” you shout. The entire room goes silent. It’s not everyday Elvis Presley’s calm and collected wife loses her shit. No, that is something usually reserved for the man himself.

“Well, that’s not quite the welcome home I was expecting,” a familiar baritone chuckles from behind you.

You whip around, your bottom lip quivering. “Elvis?” you whisper.

He’s standing right here—standing! On his own!—leaning on his cane for support, a twinkle in his eye that you haven’t seen in ages. One you weren’t sure you’d ever see again. And the sight of him finally being home again after so many months in the hospital is more than you can bear. After standing tall and strong for him for so long, you crumble into a thousand pieces. An uncontrollable sob chokes out of you, your tears overflowing.

“Aw, honey,” he says quietly, slowly making his way to you, waving everyone else out of the room with the commanding flick of his hand. They exit in a flash with their concerned and pitied looks. Not that you care, because the second you can, you are falling into your husband’s open arms.

“I’m so sorry…your homecoming…it’s all ruined,” you sob into his chest, being mindful of the long scar down the center. Feeling the warmth of him engulfing you is overwhelming. His scent, untainted by antiseptic and hospital smells for the first time in a long time, swirls around you, caressing your senses.

“It’s okay, sweetheart, it’s okay. Let it all out, Satnin,” he coos, stroking your hair with his free hand. “Hers has been so strong for hims, but hims is home now.”

The tenderness of his baby talk in your ear sends a fresh wave of tears to your eyes, staining the silk of his blue dress shirt. He’s dressed up, you think absently, knowing this is a huge thing. Even before that fateful August morning, he’d been mostly wearing his tracksuits when he wasn’t performing. He’d been so uncomfortable and in pain, you’d understood why.

You bury your head into his neck, pent up emotions violently shuddering through your body as you let your tears fall freely for the first time in months. You can barely breathe with how you wedge yourself into him, with how he holds you tight. He’s so much slimmer now that the edema is gone and his colon has been tended to, you realize, but he’s still soft in all the right places. You still fit against him perfectly, and his grip on you makes you realize he understands just how raw you are.

You cry more, thinking about how the last time he was here was when you’d found him unresponsive on the bathroom floor. How you’d never been so scared in your entire life, not even when you yourself had brushes with death.

It's a miracle he’s here at all. None of you, doctors included, were sure if he’d ever step through the doors of Graceland again. Not after the heart attack, or the coma, or the complications from his various surgeries. It had been one blow after another, for weeks, months. But somehow, in true stubborn Elvis fashion, he’d pulled through.

He’d gritted his way through healing, through physical therapy, through weaning off so many of the meds he’d been on before and during his hospital stay, and he hated every second of it. He’d been livid about the colostomy, but you’d had no care for his vanity when you’d had to make the decision to save his life. You didn’t care if he hated you because at least he’d be alive to tell you so. He’d gotten past it, mostly, especially once he was feeling better.

The entire ordeal had terrified him. Something had changed in him in those weeks he’d lingered between life and death, something he wasn’t ready to talk about just yet, but even with all the setbacks, his determination to come home was intensely motivating.

Which is why you’d wanted it to be special, and why it being Thanksgiving had so much meaning. Elvis was finally coming home. Then everything had gone to hell in a handbasket.

“I wanted everything to be perfect for you. You deserve it,” you say quietly, sniffling, holding him as tight as you dare without wanting to hurt him.

“Darlin’, just bein’ back home with you and Nicky is more than I ever dreamed of. I don’t need no big fancy dinner or welcome home committee. I jus’ need you.”

You pull back then, your heart about ready to burst, and look at him. He looks downright debonair with his silvery hair (which you’d convinced him not to dye back after it had grown out during his illness), freshly cut and shorter than it had been in years, fluffy but brushed back off his face in a style reminiscent to when he was younger. His apple cheeks are full and have more color than they’ve had in months.

“What?” he asks looking down at you, almost bashful under your gaze.

You reach up and cup his freshly shaven cheek, smooth and soft under your palm. Those deep ocean blue eyes of his threaten to swallow you whole. Staring into their depths, you don’t want to imagine a world without him in it anymore.

“I just love you,” you whisper, barely able to get the words out without choking up again. “So much.”

Eyes shining, Elvis pulls you up and into him. His lips are as sweet and as soft as you remember when they press into yours. The kiss is full of yearning, of love, and of everything you two have been through the past twenty years. It’s truly like coming home.

The kiss turns hungry then, more so than you expect. It’s been so very long since you’ve had each other in this way and it surprises you how readily your body remembers, despite all the pain and trauma you both have experienced. You open for him, and he moans when his tongue brushes against yours. A fiery wave of heat blisters through you then, hastily banishing away your tears.

Despite all the challenges you’ve faced over the years, you’ve always felt the pull of him in your soul. You’ve always wanted him, neededhim, even when you convinced yourself to forget because you thought you couldn’t have him. And now, after almost losing him for good, you can think of nothing else but him. The warmth of his body pressed against yours causes you to melt. The way his lips and hands roam over the curves of your body sends you soaring.

You thought you’d never have this again. It had almost broken you.

“I’m here, baby. I’m home, I promise,” he mutters into your skin, as if reading your mind.

You kiss him deeply, yanking him into you by his pretty shirt, taking his breath away.

He pulls away and presses his forehead to yours, and you can feel him sway on his feet, a little unbalanced.

“Good news—looks like Little Elvis is back in working order,” he says breathlessly, pressing his thickening erection into your belly. He seems pleasantly surprised.

Honestly, with everything dire that happened, it hadn’t even crossed your mind as a concern, but it makes sense that it could be an issue. You grin up at him with the knowledge that it isn’t, then roll your hips against him.

He groans. “Bad news—not sure I have the energy to do all the things I wanna to ya, and we got a house full of people.” Doesn’t stop him from grabbing a handful of your bottom, however.

“Oh, that’s never stopped us before, now has it?” you muse, walking your fingers gently down his chest and over his belly to palm his length.

“Lord have mercy, woman,” he moans, his eyes fluttering closed. You notice him lean more heavily on his cane and instantly ease up. One blue eye opens with a quirked brow. “Hey now, I din’t say stop.”

You laugh. “Well, it seems dinner is ruined anyhow,” you say, surveying the disaster of broken dishes and scattered food all over the floor, and the cold, raw turkey on the counter. “Maybe we better get you upstairs to rest.”

Rest is, of course, the furthest thing from your mind now, which you let him know with a little squeeze to his butt.

“Mmhmm, yes, I definitely need to lie down,” he mumbles as he peppers you with kisses. Suddenly, he freezes against you. “But, honey, I-I-I’m not sure how much I can do,” he whispers, a wave of uncertainty washing over him.

“Hey, it’s okay. We’ll take it slow. Real slow. One step at a time, like fumbling teenagers,” you say lightly, cupping his face and looking up into his eyes. “Or we can just kiss and hold each other. I’m just happy you’re here, baby.”

He nods, seemingly reassured by this. “I know I don’t say it as much as I should, but I thank God every day for you and for what we have together, Satnin,” he says quietly, brushing your hair behind your ear, kissing you gently. “I love you.”

Your heart and body ache for him. “We better get you upstairs to “rest”before I start crying again,” you snuffle, laughing, slowly walking with him toward the stairs.

“Well, tears aren’t entirely off the table…I can think of a couple good ways I can make you cry,” he teases, nibbling at your ear.

“Elvis Aaron, you did not just…” you gasp.

“What??” he says innocently. “Am I wrong?”

A shiver runs down your spine and settles in the heat of your belly.

You’ve missed him. Terribly.

But you do have so much to be thankful for this year, namely for the infuriatingly talented, generous, and stubborn man you married and are gingerly leading up the stairs for the first time in months.

In fact, there’s nowhere else you’d rather be.

*

Taglist Pt 1

@eliseinmemphis@russian-soft-bitch@tattywood

@sassanoe@thella @suspiciousmidge @hiddlepiddlediddlewiddle@carolinesbookworld @juggernort @aesthetic-lyss @stitchattacks @donnamarie23

 @littlebitofgreen@paigevis@bugg06@xhannahbananax03@artlover8992

@18lkpeters@frozenhuntress67@girlblogger2002@kendralavon7@misspresley

@be-my-ally @whositmcwhatsit @vintageshanny @ellie-24 @thatbanditqueen @powerofelvis @from-memphis-with-love

 @precious-lil-scoundrel @stylespresleyhearted @prompted-wordsmith @crash-and-cure @elvisgf @lookingforrainbows @fic-over-cannon @godlypresley @ab4eva @whatstruthgottodowithit @elvisabutler @amydarcimarie@idontwanttoputanything @callieselvisobsessed @captainamerica1235-blog  @xenaspace3-blog 

@simplyamberj@claire-elvisgirl@everythingelvispresley@louisejoy86@deniseinmn @madelynpresley

[weirdly-specific-but-ok]

REWATCHING GO S1, LIVE PLAY-BY-PLAY OF DOOMSDAY WAHOO

HELLO MAGGOTS REWATCHING SEASON 1 BECAUSE THE FIRST TIME WAS A KIDNAPPING CHAOTIC MESS. EPISODE ONE HERE GOES. I DON'T REMEMBER A LOT OF DETAILS BUT YES.

Opening scene and Earth's got vibe-checked by God and I've been gaslit about the dinosaurs

GARDEN OF EDEEEEEN wow his first appearance and Aziraphale's already so prissy and flustered might fuck around and fall in love with him idk

I finally understand who these mf's are hi Hastur and Ligur you're not zombies after all

FOR FUCK'S SAKE SECOND SCENE CROWLEY'S BEEN IN AND SHE WALKED IN, SERVED HIPS HAIR AND CUNT, AND THEN MANAGED TO TALK HER AWAY INTO A PROBLEM

LIKE GENUINELY SHE COMES AND SASHAYS WITH HER HAIR AND SAYS TIMES ARE CHANGING AND HEAD OFFICE LOVES ME AND JUST INSTANTLY HASTUR AND LIGUR USE HER WORDS AGAINST HER

idk sister mary loquacious is kinda doing it for me rn with that satanic nun's habit and losergirl energy

third crowley scene and he's misplaced THE LITERALLY GODDAMNED ANTICHRIST because he made small talk with a bloke outside without checking for details

mmmmhm yes sister mary wink again your bitchless decisions are sexy y'know what i mean

Gabriel feels like his brain was eviscerated and replaced with one of those youtuber's paid course promos at the end of their how to change your life in 45 days: three simple mindset shifts video

so THIS IS WHY EVERYONE KEEPS SAYING PAVLOVIAN IN THIS FANDOM IT'S BECAUSE OF DUCKS of course it's because of ducks

mmmhm yes sure crepes French revolu--Crowley stop eye-fucking Aziraphale you're making everyone at the Ritz horny

Aziraphale don't moan into your food man you can't take these two anywhere

Crowley thanking the driver for slowing down is everything to me

And they're drunk hu-fucking-zzah good thing we'll have 11 year olds saving the world coz these fuckers sure ain't doing shit

OH MY GOD HE WAS TRYING TO SAY BOUILLABAISSE I JUST REALISED. I THOUGHT HE WAS JUST MAKING KISSY FACES AT AZIRAPHALE I'M NOT OK-

What Aziraphale was doing back was definitely kissy faces though that mfer wasn't even trying to say bouillabaisse when Crowley said what sounded suspiciously like baby

kissy kissy from lil miss prissy [i would have made such a great high school bully shame i had no inclinations that way]

SORRY WHAT THE BLOODY FUCK WAS THAT SOBERING UP EXCUSE ME THE FANFICS MADE IT SOUND LIKE IT WAS A CLICK AND THEY'RE SUDDENLY NORMAL WHY IS THE ALCOHOL REFILLING

oop nun down nun down

i want ya see a wile ya thwart amirite on a t-shirt

"actually i encourage humans to-" just say you're a lazy bitch azi we love you

love crowley fake-manipulating azi into helping like azi wants to be manipulated y'know so it's not technically his fault he was wiled over or whatever and they're both just such ENABLERS

not azi going SOFT at being godfathers with crowley

NOT BROTHER FRANCIS PLEASE NO FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS SACRED AZI WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS PLEASE

WARLOCKKKKK I LOVE YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUU

HNNNG MICHAEL SHEEN HAD TOO MUCH FUN WITH THIS

why is nanny ashtoreth so seductive with that of course dear is it just crowley's inherent disastergirl sex appeal

HALF PONYTAIL CROWLEY I AM A FUCKING SLUT FOR HALF PONYTAIL

GASLIGHTING HEAVEN AND HELL THAT'S MY BABYGIRLS

erIC THE DISPOSABLE DEMON I DIDN'T KNOW THEY COME IN S1 well not come i hope unless being eaten by a hellho--nope

ANGEL CROWLEY SAID ANGEL ANGEL ANGEL

CROWLEY TRYING TO BE SUBTLE ABOUT KILLING BEFORE GETTING ANNOYED

waiter crOWLEY OUTFIT I CANNOT BE NORMAL AFTER THE WEDDING DRESS DESIGNING ABOUT THIS COSTUME

FOOLS WRONG BOY YOU FOOLS IM DEAD

DOG IS UNIRONICALLY SO CUTE EVEN BEFORE IT GOES SMOL

gonna give my roxie a kissy brb she's my angel and all this dog talk makes me miss her (she's a few feet away under the bed)

i asked her for a kissy and she crawled out and gave me a kiss i love her

DOGGGGG ADAMMM

...roxie's crying to be taken downstairs it's nearly 2 am this is on me for waking her up i crowley'd myself fml

EYYYYY WELCOME TO THE END TIMES don't mind me I'll have to take roxie down yes I know maggots I'm crowley-coded I KNOW THAT I'M A BLOODY DISASTER BYEEEEEEEE

[isekaithatplease]

You know what's even ironic,the fact that Kaufman is still in love with navier even though she's now pregnant with heinreys children. And the fact that kosair,naviers brother is a violent man that caused him to be outside the borders and how he even goes tok far as to feed rashta abortion drugs is so scummy. How the hell didn't navier even stop or at least call them out for their shit?

Because Navier doesn’t care. Slavery is a huge problem in her empire but she barely bats an eye at that when we’re supposed to believe she’s this ‘fantastic empress.’ Honey- where??? ((Stop congratulating people for doing the bare minimum lol)) It’s really just a bunch of telling but no showing especially for a story that should be a bit more politically involved?? Plus We really don’t see her interact with the lower class save for that magical orphan who- as we see has to be magical in order to get said attention in the first place! (Fantastic philanthropy really)

How ironic would it have been if she’d been originally pushing to end slavery before Sovidiot brought in Rashta?

Ngl Id actually be more sympathetic to Navier as a whole as despite her cold exterior it showed that you know she was actually pushing for reform for the lower class citizens! But nah she can’t be bothered to deal with peasants.

But back to your point- Can someone please tell me what the whole point of the Kaufman/Navier plotline was? Because honest to goodness it sounds like pointless drama to extend the story length at this point. Either that or just show how irresistible goddess Navier is.

Someone once reblogged/replied to my last post and said that no one in this series is a morally good person. That’s fair. I agree they’re all pretty terrible people in their own ways. Honestly I’ve said it time and time again. I don’t have a problem that they’re terrible people.

Good characters =/= good people

What irks me is when the novel disrespectfully handles heavy topics like slavery and trauma to build up its Mary Sue fl. The whole story markets itself as being some pro feminism revenge story but it’s really not? It doesn’t feel like at least half of the cast gets their proper comeuppance? No seriously- Sovieshu should’ve kicked the bucket. Heinrey and his creepy friend should’ve been held more accountable to a higher degree as well.

Navier isn’t a girl’s girl at all. To both the character and story’s fault Everyone must either worship her or hate her. No one who disagrees with her is allowed any sort of meaningful empathy that Navier in my opinion is sort of undeserving of. (Anyone is free to argue this- but she was born with a silver spoon in her mouth and everything magically works out for her. I’m supposed to feel more sorry for her than the girl who was sold by her abusive father into slavery?) hahaha no.

At this point I’d advise people who actually want to see a pro feminism story with political intrigue to read ‘I’ll Saved this damn family!’ Now that’s a story that can treat other women who aren’t the fl well and promotes pretty good relationships between them too.

[asherlockstudy]

Hi! If you're still open to answering Sherlock-related asks, I was wondering when you think John realized Sherlock was in love with him? I know you've said you think they both know about each other's feelings, and I'm with you on when Sherlock figures out about John. But I've never been able to quite figure out when John recognizes Sherlock's feelings. I think the waterfall scene in TAB implies that John knows, and I think he might know by the time of the tarmac scene. But I'm not sure. Thanks!

Hello! I am so sorry for this huge delay. I was busy IRL and at the same time a lot of stuff was happening in another fandom which is very active rn, so the ask was kinda staying behind. I know answered asks get a notification however I will tag you here too @winterdaphne2 to make sure you see this after all this time.

Yes, I strongly believe John knows by HLV. I talk about it a little in the meta "Why did Sherlock push John and Mary back together?" . The key phrase "Your way. Always your way" and the context within which it was uttered, John's confession that Mary was never supposed to be someone he would truly fall in love with (as opposed to Sherlock who was ticking all John's boxes, adventurous people living in danger etc) and Sherlock understanding it but pretending he didn’t and thus failing John and provoking more anger in him ("Why is everything...always... MY FAULT?!"), all those things make me conclude John knew by that point that Sherlock loved him and yet he was insisting on doing nothing about it. In other words, John knew the truth.

As to when he first realised, well we should keep in mind that John suspects Sherlock is gay from the very first day they moved in together because everybody who knows Sherlock insinuates it, Mycroft, Mrs Hudson, Donovan... The fact that from the Blind Banker onwards John suddenly becomes very heteronormative and defensive shows he feels a "threat" in the atmosphere, both due to his own impulses but also due to Sherlock's flamboyant demeanour, his habits, including casually walking around him naked (see John’s blog). In fact, when John starts suspecting Sherlock might be into the Woman, he's equal parts angry and startled. I suppose there was no way to know before the third season because Sherlock was so emotionally guarded, however he did hope, given his suspicions that Sherlock was gay and that their bond was unique and he was visibly an exception in how Sherlock treated people in his life.

At the wedding night John sees the sorrow on Sherlock's face and nearly has a heart attack. I think everything was confirmed there for him. However, I think the time he started landing on the conclusion for good was in TEH. This is the episode in which, after John is kidnapped and thrown into the fire, John keeps pressing Sherlock for an answer regarding why one would choose to harm him if it's Sherlock they are after. He is not truly wondering though. He lingers in the pavement (always a romantic affair, Sherlock tells us in the next episode) and then goes up and asks this with a very knowing look. Then again towards the end of the episode, in the staircase. His face screams suspicion, it screams tease, it screams expectation to finally hear Sherlock say it. Alas, Sherlock doesn't. Met with Sherlock's stubborness and with a wedding proposal looming over his head, John has no choice but to open up himself so he starts telling Sherlock that he went to his grave and "spoke" to him. Sherlock acknowelges this but again chooses to avoid the conversation John tries to start multiple times. John gives up and resumes his proposal to Mary. I think at this episode John finally knew for sure but he also realised that Sherlock was determined to not act on his feelings. I have made a more detailed analysis of this with pictures in the meta "John's Choices (from TEH to TLD)".

Besides, the next episode, TSOT, is the only time John actually makes a physical advance on Sherlock. Sure he was inebriated but I think John had SO many inhibitions anyway that even when drunk he would not be so bold if he wasn’t getting all the green lights of the world from Sherlock at that moment. So, he knew. He knew that if Sherlock dropped his fascade, he would want this.

[unordinary-but-extraordinary]

I'm sorry

"Hey Universe, it's me again..." Marinette sigh speaking to the dark void of time.

"I have dealt with so much this past year but I'm finally graduating! I thought everything was going great and don't get me wrong it has but..." she took a deep breath.

"The boy I'm with... his family... I ... I just feel hopeless I act a certain way or say something and one of his siblings twist it to make it worst then it was. When I think things are working out and getting better between them and I then something else happens." She paused waiting for a response.

*sigh*

"I have thought about ending things with him every time we argue or have a disagreement especially when his family causes it. But I love him I say all of these scenarios and he answers them, but I can tell they annoy him. I can't blame him they can be pretty realistic."

silence

"He always reassures me but today things were hard... I was blamed for things I didn't do or even intentionally did and I snapped... I told him I was done with his family I didn't want to be involved anymore and that no matter what I did it was bad. I didn't want to feel like I'm a bother, so I was separating myself from them. But when I looked at him, he just stayed silent and didn't look at me."

"I've been thinking of ending things even if I love him Paris needs me and I'm so close I can't afford losing now. I don't want him to feel like he needs to choose between them or me. I know he acts like he doesn't care for them, but he does he loves them, and I know building those relationships was hard for him I couldn't separate that. "

silence

"I'm sorry I came here just to rant... I wanted to feel, and you always listen. Thank you I promise to bring down Hawkmoth and restore balance." Begins to stand up to open a portal back.

steps can be heard coming her way and she turns around.

"I thought you didn't want to be seen toda-" Marinette's eyes widen.

"I'm sorry Marinette."

"Damian...I"

" I know..."

"but how.. you...since when.. I .. how did you get here?" Everything started to spin

"calm down Mari let me explain." Slowly started to approach as though she was a injured animal.

"I- I'm sorry.. I'm so sorry I" She was close to a panic attack.

"Habibti it's okay look at me.. they brought me here."

"I'm sorry I made you feel this way.. emotions are something I still struggle with but it is no excuse to make you feel this way. My family they are wary people and see you as someone you're not."

Marinette was still looking down.

"Please look at me, Habibti please look at me. I love you. Only you. I will fix everything just give me a chance." Damian pleaded looking straight into her eyes.

*****I wrote this in 10 min just to get it out so typos, grammar, etc may be there lmk ... this was inspired by an experience I felt and thought this could've happen to Mari if the family of Damian was trying to find faults in her because they were suspicious and how after dealing with so much, she didn't want to deal with anymore and wants to end things. I can also see Damian because he still is learning how to communicate doesn't realize how bad things have gotten and do to the universe intervening, he realizes he may lose the girl he +-loves. ***

[dearest-painter]

(I will try my best to add more information😭🙏) after Kobeni!reader saves yan plat miles from yan plat Miguel and was very afraid of him, miguel stood there in shock, feeling both upset and guilty of himself, while Yan plat peter b is trying to stay calm(but is very upset at miguel and is trying to come up with a plan to take Kobeni!reader to his universe just so he and Mary Jane could have their daughter back) and is also trying to calm down mayday who is crying cause Kobeni!reader is gone😢, Yan plat jess looking at yan plat miguel with a disappointing look before her and yan plat Peter tell all the spider people that it’s over already and they already stopped miles(but they are lying) and yan Pavitr being pissed at miguel and giving him a disgusted look, while muttering under his breath on how miguel started it all and yan Gwen looking down with a sad look and look like she was about to cry but than sucks it up and wipes hers tears, after minutes of silence, yan plat miguel was about to say something until yan pavitr yells at him, saying how it was all his fault and that he’s the reason why his beloved(Kobeni!reader) was terrified, until he was cut off by yan gwen yelling at him with anger cause he tried to take away Kobeni!reader away from her, than it escalated an argument between yan pavitr and yan gwen, until yan plat hobie came in and try’s to calmly stop the fight between them but when yan plat miguel was about to yell at the two, yan gwen than brings up on how he was literally the reason why kobeni!reader was not gonna come back after finding out the reason why he was going after miles, than yan plat Jess and yan plat Peter came back and tries to ”calmly” criticize yan plat miguel for his actions, than it all starts the arguments with yan pavitr and yan gwen arguing back and fourth than yelling at him, and with yan plat jess and yan plat Peter trying to “calmly” criticize him for what he did(and while he does this, he’s holding a phone and is basically, showing photos(some of them being old photos) of Kobeni!reader to mayday so that she can calm down), while yan plat hobie is staring at him with a straight expression(but on the inside, is pissed at miguel for being the caused of Kobeni!reader being terrified and getting away with also saving their brother(yan plat miles)

This is more than enough! Thank you so much! I AM SO SORRY FOR THE DELAY!!!

TW/CW:Yandere behavior, unhealthy behavior, unhealthy relationship, abusive behavior, abusive relationship, Kobeni!Reader and Miles aren’t talking in this but only bc their in Kobeni!Reader’s safety universe, SHIT GETS HEATED, IM SO SORRY FOR THE LONG WAIT!, tell me if I need to add anything

Summary:It was his fault, everyone knew it was his fault! If he just kept his mouth shut then all would be good! BUT NO! He fucking didn’t!

Miguel stared basically into no where. Everything happened so fast..you were just there but then left with Miles into..into an unknown universe. Peter was hushing and calming Mayday as she wanted you back, he did as well but he has to act calm for Mayday. Pavitr was pissed…it was obvious with how he was shaking and glaring Miguel down with hatred and disgust.

Gwen didn’t care though..she just lost her beloved again. She wiped her tears as she went to calm Mayday down as it was obvious Peter needed some help. “I-“ Before anything Miguel could say anything Pavitr shouted at him “ITS YOUR FAULT! ITS YOUR FAULT Y/N LEFT US! YOU FUCKING PRICK!” Gwen then added in, “PLEASE! YOU TRIED TO TAKE THEM AWAY FROM ME!?” Pavitr laughed in a mocking way. “FROM YOU!? BITCH PLEASE!”

Soon Miguel, Pavitr, and Gwen got into a heated argument. Peter and Jess even joined in the argument..Mayday was asleep as Hobie held her. Hobie was blankly staring..it was a odd sight to see but…he was pissed off, he was pissed that Miguel scared you and that Miles was taken with you…he wanted to go with you. Hobie seemed to be thinking of something as he made sure Mayday slept

[princessamericachavez]

The waking up, having forgotten and remembering the full extent of what forever is

6x17 Spec (AO3)

“Okay, so, a couple years ago, we were responding to a call and then he got... he got shot, right in front of me... in the middle of the street... and out of nowhere, he almost died.” “So he had his very own brush with death,” Natalia’s eyebrows arch. “Cool.”

“Hey, are you alright?” Natalia asks, snapping Buck back to reality. 

His coffee’s gone cold. He looks at the cup, shyly, then back at her. To be honest, Buck is far from fine. He’s exhausted. The day was long, the calls were complicated, Eddie was acting off, Chim was stressing out about proposing to his sister like they aren’t already practically married anyway, and all he wants deep down is to go home, take a shower and sleep twelve hours straight. 

But he’s been pushing back this date with Natalia for almost a whole week now (not his fault, just STUFF that kept randomly happening and getting in the way because the Universe will not give Evan Buckley a single break) and he didn’t want her to think he was ghosting her or something. So now he’s here, staring at a cold coffee cup, thoughts far away. 

“Sorry, yeah. I’m- I was just thinking about that call, from this morning...”

“The proposal,” Natalia guesses. 

Buck nods with a heavy sigh. 

“The sky diver... You know, I actually told Chim to do that last week?” He asks, dread filling him up, but shakes the idea as quickly as possible. “I just- I keep thinking about that guy. He was in love, he had every single reason to survive, to live for... and he just, he didn’t make it.” 

Buck still remembers the man’s ribs cracking under his palms, his fiancé’s sobs somewhere across the street, Bobby’s hand on his shoulder forcing him to stop. He’s gone, kid. 

“It’s just death,” Natalia says, gently. “Most people who go there don’t come back.”

“Yeah, but I did,” Buck says, a little too sharply. “I- I came back, I got a second chance. Why didn’t he? He had so much to live for...”

“Didn’t you?”

Buck blinks at her. He thinks of endless hospital hallways, of a thick glass wall, of his own face filled with every cruel word he’s ever said. He thinks of the words Bobby Nash is dead, and a Diaz-shapped hole in the world. 

“Yeah, I did. But-”

“But he had more?” Natalia guesses. 

Buck shrugs. “Maybe. I don’t know. I just- It doesn’t seem fair.”

“Death isn’t fair, Buck,” her eyes sparkle as she speaks, like they do every time they broach her favorite subject. Which is, if he’s being honest, every time they meet. “Death just is. And everything else, well... it doesn’t matter.”

“It has to matter,” Buck shakes his head. “There has to be a reason.”

“A reason he died? Or a reason you survived?”

“I don’t know. Both? I just- I wish I knew, you know? I wish I could tell for sure why I’m still here.”

“To share your wisdom with me?” Natalia teases and it manages to make him chuckle, though even he can tell the sound is far from happy. 

“Maybe. Maybe that’s why.”

Maybe he came back to meet her, to know her, to love her and be loved by her, to finally get it right. Yeah. Maybe. It doesn’t feel entirely right, though.

“I just hate how random these things are, you know? This guy did everything right, but he just flew across a bank robbery car chase, and... just like that, his life was over.”

“In a flash?” Natalia asks, arching an eyebrow, easily guessing where Buck’s thoughts really are. And he’s slightly embarrassed, because he really should know by now that he’s not the center of the universe, but he can’t help it when these things affect him. 

“These things just keep happening when you least expect them.”

“These things... plural?” She asks, eyes a little eager again, clearly guessing he’s about to mention another brush with death. 

“It’s like- like when Eddie got shot,” he says. “You- you know Eddie, right, my best friend? He- he was at the call at Marie’s funeral, when we met,” he explains, which really shouldn’t be necessary because even if they haven’t officially met he knows he’s mentioned Eddie more than once to Natalia. What did you do today? How did you day go? So where were you on the weekend? The answer always leads back to Eddie and Chris. Still, Natalia has the good grace to nod along. “Okay, so, a couple years ago, we were responding to a call and then he got... he got shot, right in front of me... in the middle of the street... and out of nowhere, he almost died.”

“So he had his very own brush with death,” Natalia’s eyebrows arch. “Cool.”

The word rips through him like a bullet, like lightning, it knocks the air out of his lungs and fills them with something akin to acid. 

“Cool?” He says, voice low and slow and angry. “Eddie almost dying wasn’t ‘cool’, Nat. He was bleeding out in the middle of the street. I had to drag him out, I had to beg him not to die on the way to the hospital, he- he could’ve died. For real. Forever.”

“But he didn’t, just like you.”

“It doesn’t matter! Just- just because he survived it doesn’t mean it’s nothing!” 

And just as he’s starting to feel awful about raising his voice, something shifts in Natalia’s face. A small, victorious, smile blooms across her face and her eyes shine with a new kind of excitement. And, just like that, it comes crashing down on him. 

“This... this was never a date, was it?” He asks, voice hoarse. 

At that, her expression twists guiltily. She shakes her head. 

“Then- then what was the whole... the being interested in my dying.”

“Oh, I am interested,” Natalia says, lightly. “But I think you didn’t really want to talk about it. Not seriously, at least. The way you brought it up, when we first met, like it was just something funny or curious that happened to you... I figured you needed someone to match that tone, to help you to open up. And eventually...”

“...realize that it wasn’t nothing,” Buck finishes, ducking his head to hide his embarrassment. 

“Just because you’re still here, Buck, it doesn’t mean it didn’t happen. To you... to the people who love you.”

For the first time, Buck’s head actually thinks about his family seeing him die. He thinks about how Eddie’s shooting wrecked him, and finally understands that perhaps that’s why they’ve been acting weird since he came back, like he could break any second, like they are waiting for him to catch up on what happened. Buck, you died. Buck, you died. You died, Buck. 

“I know it happened. I just... I want it to mean something.”

“It already does. It can mean whatever you want it to.”

Buck takes in a shaky breath and lets it out slowly, meeting her eyes again. 

“Death isn’t about life ending, Buck, it’s about the journey before. And, for you, there’s still a whole journey ahead... and behind. You can’t shake off your past like you’re changing skin, you wouldn’t learn anything that way. This is a second chance at your life, not some other imagined one. A lot of people who go through similar situations, who die and come back, want to burn it all to the ground, be someone new... but that’s just another way of running away.” 

“Or go to Italy,” Buck huffs, amused, and for the first time in this entire conversation Natalia looks confused. He just shakes his head. “I guess I’ve just been... I’ve been trying to use this to find my way, but instead I’ve been so lost.”

“Maybe you’re looking in the wrong places,” she says, with a sweet smile, and he knows she means herself. 

“Yeah, maybe. But I don’t know where else to look.”

“I can’t help you with that,” Natalia says, as she gestures for the check. “But in my experience, life and death aren’t so different in that they can catch you in the most unexpected places. Sometimes... right under your nose.”

“Wouldn’t that be funny?” Eddie’s never going to let him live this down when he tells him. “Uh... I feel like I should be paying for the session, or sessions, you know?”

“You can just pay for my coffee,” she laughs. “And maybe one of those chocolate muffins to go.”

Buck laughs, and hopes that Natalia keeps in touch because, even if clearly they haven’t been dating, he kinda likes her. She’d be a good friend to have around. 

“So... if I have any more questions... about death?” He says, watching her pick up her purse and straighten her dress. 

“You can always call me, Buck, but I think you already have all the answers you’re looking for. You just gotta let yourself see them.”

And with that, she gives his shoulder a quick squeeze as she passes by and walks away. Buck sighs, and finds himself smiling. 

As he walks out of the cafe, he pulls out his phone and shoots Eddie a quick text: Man do I have a story to tell you. Wanna grab a beer?

Eddie’s reply comes quickly: Always. My place or yours?

Yours. Buck writes back, hopping into the jeep.