#sorry I feel miserable and want to get better ig

[medicasino]

vent below so dont feel like you have to read this 👍i simply have no where else to put this bc i dont want to Bother My Friends

god i wish i could just kill myself but i like. cant. there's too much stopping me. but i dont want to do anything anymore. i dont want to deal with this constant misery of being trapped in a brain with a death wish hellbent on making me want to die horrifically. i wish people just hated me outright so i had a good excuse to just call it quits on life and die

[gaystardykeco]

need to sleep but the Dread is consuming me

[fvnalgirlcomplex]

PRETTY ISN’T PRETTY ✸ J. HUGHES

and it begins!! this is irl but also mostly social media au because my tumblr is/was acting up and deleted most of what i had written and.. i’m lazy so!!! reader is referred to as ‘you’ and their looks are talked about but i tried to avoid describing looks… however… reader doesn’t have blonde hair but listen like every nhl fic uses a blonde girl for the fc so. i think its justified!! but sorry to anyone blonde reading lol. i didn’t rlly know how to end this tbh but i hope it’s still good and i hope u like it!! remember that you are beautiful! any negative things said obviously aren’t true :)

warnings: light mention/implication of an eating disorder, insecurities, hate comments, reader gets picked up (lowkey manhandled a little bit), suggestive comments (2), unedited writing

masterlist, series masterlist

fc: olivia rodrigo ( oliviarodrigo on ig )

summary: dating jack wasn’t gonna be easy, you knew that. you just thought him traveling a lot was gonna be the hardest, not being picked apart by his fans.

bought a bunch of makeup,

tryna cover up my face

i started to skip lunch,

stopped eatin’ cake on birthdays

youruser

liked by lhughes and 56,890 others

youruser 22!! shout out to cole caulfield

view 182 comments…

colecaulfield thank you for the shout out. I really needed it.

youruser anything for a fan

user19 she’s so cocky omg

yourfriend the cake was so good! you should’ve had some :(

youruser the cake wasn’t very big and i don’t really like cake that much anyways lol glad you liked it though!!

jackhughes ❤️

liked by youruser

user373 at least she chose a blurry pic so we don’t have to see her face lmaoo

jackhughes

liked by trevorzegras and 120,293 others

jackhughes birthday girl 🎂

view 367 comments…

_quinnhughes haps

youruser damn. not even a full sentence 😔

user14 even his brother doesn’t like her lmao 💀

user298 i hope she knows she’s public enemy #1

user63 bro could do sm better

trevorzegras big! 22! 2️⃣2️⃣

user86 the way she looks at him though 🥹

user7 no..

user329 why are you so miserable

user738 he did her so dirty with the second picture 😭 makeup can only do so much but somehow she looks even worse than i imagined with no makeup

“I didn’t know it was such a big deal—”

“It shouldn’t have to be a big deal, Jack! I asked you not to post it, I don’t understand why you don’t listen!”

Maybe you were overreacting. Maybe you were taking your insecurities out on Jack when it really wasn’t his fault. But, it’s hard to stay calm when you’ve started to hate what you see everytime you look in the mirror, or someone takes a picture of you and that’s when you have makeup on. Words couldn’t describe how gross you feel without makeup on.

“I think you look gorgeous. I don’t know what the issue is.” Jack responded, too nonchalantly for your liking.

“The issue is that I don’t think I look gorgeous so I don’t want it out in the world for all your fans to see.” Jack sighed at your response. He knew what this was about but to him, you the prettiest girl he’d ever seen. He just couldn’t grasp how someone like you could be insecure.

“Y/n…” He said softly, grabbing the sides of your face. The mood in the room had quickly changed from tense to sad as soon as the word fans was mentioned. “You’re stunning. I know you don’t believe me but, you really are. All those comments are from a bunch of teenage girls who are jealous. I know it’s hard to block out but you just have to try ‘cause I wanna show everyone how pretty my girl is, okay?” Jack finished, trying to cheer you up. It didn’t really work to be honest but still, through glass eyes, you looked up at him and nodded before he brought you into a comforting hug.

You wanted to believe him, you really did. But it wasn’t just teen fan girls. It was also grown men. Men your boyfriends age who thought you were just as hideous. They couldn’t have been doing it for the same reasons as the fan girls. They had to have just been being honest, right?

‘cause there’s always somethin’ missin’

there’s always somethin’ in the mirror

that i think looks wrong

when pretty isn’t pretty enough,

what do you do?

You loved spending time with Jack. And you also loved getting to spend time with the people he cared about. But the pressure of looking good before going knowing that pictures would be taken, with or without you knowing, made you want to puke.

You started planning out your outfits far in advance, what shoes, how you’d do you hair, your makeup. Everything. You told yourself over and over again that the outfit is cute. You asked Jack about it and he always reassured you that you would look beautiful in anything and the friends you’d ask say the same thing.

But that still wasn’t enough to stop your brain from making you think everything was wrong. No matter you were wearing, when you looked in the mirror it just looked… wrong. Like something was missing.

“Babe?” Your boyfriends voice came softly through the bedroom door. Jack had invited you to the Devils Halloween Party this year which would be your first New Jersey Devils event. Jack and Luke were wearing matching spider-man costumes with Nico and Dawson who were currently at the brothers apartment. “You ready?” He asked you as he poked his head into the bedroom before fully stepping in, closing the door behind him.

“Yeah, I was just looking for my cat ears.” Lie. You were overanalyzing yourself like you always did before you went out but you knew if you told Jack that he’d feel bad and tell you that you didn’t have to go if you weren’t comfortable.

It wasn’t clear if Jack really believed your lie but he glanced around the room for the headband anyways before finding it on the edge of the bed next to you and placing them on your head for you.

Still sitting on the edge of the bed from when you were putting on your boots before you caught a look at yourself in the mirror, you looked up at Jack, who’s hands stayed on the side of your face after gently placing the headband on you.

Words weren’t exchanged as he looked at you, his thumbs tenderly moving over cheeks. He moved down to place a lovingly soft kiss on your forehead and then your lipstick covered lips.

“You’re beautiful.” He whispered against your mouth. You almost believed him.

njdwag.updates

liked by jackhughes and 2,384 others

njdwag.updates y/n at the halloween party with a fellow wag. she went as a black cat 🐈‍⬛

view 103 comments…

theotherwag sweetest girl to ever exist 🩷

user273 jacks like 🥹

user33 is this a safe space?

user649 depends…

user33 i love yn. and i love yn and jack!! they’re so cute and it’s so obvious everyone that hates her is just jealous :/

user472 REAL!!! they claim to be fans of jack but hate to see him happy… like something isn’t adding up??

liked by 208 others

user634 wait jack went as spider-man and she went as a black cat?? she’s kinda funny for that

user710 jack probably didn’t want to outright match with her 💀

user845 her standing next to another wag.. this is so sad like jack!! wake up!!

and everybody’s keepin’ it up, so you think it’s you

i could change up my body and change up my face

i could try every lipstick in every shade

but i’d always feel the same

‘cause pretty isn’t pretty enough anyways

njdwags

liked by 1,266 others

njdwags y/n y/l/n at her colleges football game with friends!

view 103 comments…

user968 everytime there’s a picture of her standing next to someone it really highlights how ugly she is LMAO

user263 idk why people hate her sm she’s so pretty

user945 she’s even prettier in person! i met her at the game and she was so nice. it’s so sad to see all the hate she gets :(

liked by njdwags

user293 we have class together!! she’s literally so sweet and smart

user683 ugly ass

user78 she chose a college football game over her boyfriends hockey game…

user537 why does she always have her tongue out 💀

and i try to ignorе it, but it's everythin' i see

it’s on the poster on the wall, it's in like every magazine

it’s in my phone, it's in my head, it's in the boys i bring to bed

it’s all around, it's all the time, i don't know why i even try

It’s like you couldn’t stop yourself from reading comments on posts about you. You knew you should ignore but it seemed impossible to ignore at this point.

You knew the comments would be negative like they always were but you always had hope they would be nice for once. And there was nice ones sometimes! But most were so overwhelmingly negative, you couldn’t even focus on the positives.

And it wasn’t just comments either, no. Not anymore at least. Since, you’ve read the comments, it’s like all the negative has leaked out of your phone and into every aspect of your life.

It was when you visited your family over winter break, you had totally forgotten about the posters you had in past years of icons from your childhood. Icons who were so how all skinny or blonde or had stunning blue eyes or all three. The break was supposed to get you away from all that and yet, you still cried yourself to sleep that first night.

Every aspect of life also included you and your boyfriend. You knew before you and Jack had started dating, he was constantly liking other girls bikini pics on instagram. And even though he had stopped doing that, you’d still seen tweets from his fans in the past joking about how he was “always at the scene of the crime” with a screenshot of his like on a picture of the most beautiful woman you’ve ever seen. And while you tried to ignore it, you noticed of a pattern with all the girls. They looked a lot like the icons from your childhood. Nothing like you.

So now, late at night, when you were supposed to be having quiet and sweet moments with your boyfriend; your boyfriend that you didn’t get to see very often at that! You spent those moments thinking about those stupid likes on those stupid pictures of those stupidly beautiful girls.

And as for you, the comments had really gotten to your head. Even when you weren’t with Jack and you weren’t on your phone or in your childhood room. You still found someone to compare yourself to. It was like some kind of superpower.

and i bought all the clothes that they told me to buy

i chased some dumb ideal my entire life

and none of it matters and none of it ends

you just feel like shit all over again

Was this silly? It feel silly.

This didn’t feel like you but a change was needed.

Jack (and Luke) had been hanging out with the team all day and you had the day off. You had decided to spend the time alone shopping for clothes that you would’ve never worn before this past month and a box of blonde hair dye.

“We’re home!”

Luke’s voice rang through the apartment, snapping you out of your trance that you were in while staring out the box of hair dye taunting you on the bathroom counter.

“Y/n?” Now it was Jacks voice that made its way through the apartment.

“Bathroom!”

You could hear his footsteps come closer to the bathroom door before a knock on the door, hesitating before opening the door before him. He slipped in before locking the door behind him.

“I was gonna jump in the shower if he wanted to join me.” Jack told you, his hands sliding around your waist with his back to the door. Naturally, your hands slipped around to rest behind his neck, forgetting about the hair dye sitting on the counter.

“I think I’m gonna have to pass this time—”

“You’re gonna dye your hair?” Jack cut you off, his eyes focused behind you.

“Oh- Yeah, I just, um, wanted a change I guess.”

Jack didn’t say anything or take his eyes off of the box of hair dye. He didn’t buy it for a second but he just didn’t understand. How could you not see how beautiful you were. Jack had known the comments were bad, he just didn’t realize they were getting to you this badly. He looked back to you, who had a guilty look in your eyes. Jack sighed before moving you over to the counter, placing you next to the box.

“Baby, if you really want to dye your hair blonde, go for for it. But I don’t think you want to.” You couldn’t even look at him. You felt embarrassed that you’d been confronted about how out of hand these insecurities have gotten, even if it wasn’t really your fault. You felt like a child being scolded. “I know we’ve talked about this before but you really have to listen to me this time okay, babe?”

Jacks hand came up to your chin, gently pushing your head up to make eye contact with him.

“You’re the most gorgeous woman I’ve ever seen. I mean that. All those assholes just want to find someone to hate more than themselves and I’m sorry that dating me has made you a target for that. But blonde hair dye isn’t gonna make them stop. I’ll say something— I should’ve said something sooner but I’ll do it now. Just- Just don’t change for them because they won’t ever be happy. Pretty isn’t pretty enough for them, okay?”

You were crying now. Because you knew he was right and you were upset you had let them drive you crazy. You continued to cry as your boyfriends arm came around your frame. You uttered apologies, not quite sure for what, while his hand rubbed your back.

After a while, your tears stopped and Jack pulled away. “I love you. And I told you, if you really want to go blonde, go for it. I mean, you’ll look hot either way—”

“Jack!”

“Okay, okay. Blonde or no blonde.” He asked with a small smile on his face, holding up the box of hair dye.

“No blonde.”

Jacks smile grew as he threw the box into the trashcan. His hands slid down to your thighs, picking you up and wrapping your legs around his waist.

“So… can we get that shower now?”

[matthewkniesys]

new jersey, new city - luke hughes

luke hughes ig edit cause i felt like it and im in my feels :)

also sorry for not having a cut i just can't get my pictures to load properly if i do :)

all pictures are from pinterest

yourusername

Liked by @/ lhughes_06, dylanduke25, jackhughes and 10,786 others

yourusername - we're officially adulting in new jersey

Tagged: @/ lhughes_06

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lhughes_06 - we've realised we're kinda shitty at adulting

↳ yourusername - we're trying

↳ lhughes_06 - and failing miserably

dylanduke25 - not y/n stealing luke from me

↳ yourusername - you snooze you lose

↳ dylanduke25 - see how mean she is

↳ yourusername - only to you

jackhughes - little brother's in the same city as me now

↳ lhughes_06 - and you've been a pest since I got here

↳ jackhughes - it's my job

lhughes_06

Liked by @/ _quinnhughes, yourusername, yourbestfriend and 19,864 others

lhughes_06 - kinda like it in new jersey even though jack is here

Tagged: @/ yourusername

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jackhughes - I'm crying in my apartment right now

↳ nicohischier - no you're not you're sitting right beside me

↳ jackhughes - shut up let me be my dramatic self

yourusername - I'm so good at arcade games

↳ lhughes_06 - no you're not

↳ yourusername - I'm better than you

↳ lhughes_06 - no you're not

↳ yourusername - i'm better than jack at least

↳ lhughes_06 - congrats you're better than the worst arcade game player in the world

_quinnhughes - looking good in the red and white

nicohischier - not y/n driving my car

↳ yourusername - you were at my place being lazy and didn't want to get food so I did and I stole your car in the process no big deal

↳ nicohischier - she says and I stole your car no big deal

yourusername - new jersey looks good on us

taglist: @woodruff-edwards @nicohischierz @makarhughes @cobrakaisb @huggy-hischier94 @boldysswld @cole-mcward48

join my taglist!!!

[shiki-aki]

Do you know how much Akira being Shiki's caretaker and guardian means so much for me in ED1?

Because being caretaker is so frustating (believe me I was the main caretaker for my late grandma in her last months and it isn't easy), I have to be patient to ny grandma who had dementia and regressed to be childish and likes to throw temper tantrum, my mental health went to the sewer, i barely manage to take care myself, my life is falling apart, im sleep deprived, i feel alone, there is many times i want to run away but i have obligation and i loved her so much to abandon her. She was like a second parent to me

My situation with Akira isn't the same, Akira doesn't have to deal Shiki throwing tantrum but he had to deal assassinations going after them in an POST-APOCALYPTIC WORLD WITH NO HEALTHCARE AND STABLE PLACE AND LITTLE TO NO FOOD??? THAT SPEAK SO MUCH DEDICATION, AKIRA DOESN'T EVEN HAVE ANY OBLIGATION TO TAKE CARE OF SHIKI AFTER WHAT HE HAD DONE?! HE DIDN'T HAVE TO DEAL WITH SHIKI'S SHIT ANYMORE AND LEFT HIM TO DIE BUT NO. THIS MAN JUST STAY WITH HIM

ALSO SANITATION

Sorry, for the capslock, I got excited for a moment...

Ig this speak so much i liked the ED1 too

I definitely wasn't expecting to wake up to this, but thank you so much for this ask, I really loved reading about your experience and how ED1 resonates with you <3.

(Putting a 'read more' because my response is quite lengthy and treads into meta territory)

I don't have any experience with being a caretaker but gosh that sounds so stressful T_T. I really hope you're doing better now, and that hopefully your grandma was still able to live her life peacefully until the end. To be honest, when I think about ED1, I don't really consider the more sad/distressing aspects of it, like Akira having to be on the run with Shiki for 2 years and doing everything for him, so this was a bit of an eye opener for me. I did write an ED1 fic where it kind of detailed their life while on the run, but it wasn't that depressive, and instead focused on Akira's bittersweet feelings toward Shiki TwT.

But same, I really love how dedicated Akira is to taking care of Shiki in ED1. I think that, no matter what, Akira is the determined type of person who won't give up. He already experienced what it was like to lose Keisuke, so he doesn't want to lose Shiki, either. And I know I haven't finished my meta yet but I'll just spill a bit of my thoughts for why Akira follows Shiki in ED1:

Shiki was the one to bring back Akira's will to live when Akira was at the lowest point in his life. If Shiki hadn't found him in that alleyway, Akira would've let himself get killed by any random Igra fighter. Shiki's route is different from Motomi's/Rin's in that Akira actually sees Keisuke die in front of him, while in the other two, Keisuke just runs off, so Akira clings onto the vain hope that Keisuke is still alive. Yeah it's fucked up how Shiki went about bringing back Akira's will to live, but let's be real, that's exactly the type of character he is lol, and what I love about it is how it makes sense for him to kidnap Akira and rape him, based on Shiki's obsession with Akira's determined and defiant nature.

So now, when Shiki is at the lowest point in his life and has lost the will to live, it's Akira's turn to do the same for Shiki and force him to continue living. Which is why he sticks by Shiki's side for 2 years even when life seems absolutely miserable. (GOD I FUCKING LOVE THESE TWO SO MUCH I JUST SFDGHFDHGHSDFHSDFHSDH they really get each other tbh).

But even though life seems miserable, Akira doesn't view it that way (and this is also why Shiki's ED1 is my favorite and why I personally think it's the one that most beautifully completes Akira's character arc). Like look at this:

It's so starkly different from Akira's POV at the beginning of the game. When Akira was in the CFC, he didn't care about anything and he certainly didn't wax poetic about the scenery (not that the scenery in CFC is pretty but like, you get what I mean lol). We can tell Akira is different in ED1, that his very philosophy is different, because he's looking at life from a new perspective now, taking the time to appreciate the nature around him and just... the simple fact of being alive. Whereas at the start of the game, Akira didn't see a meaning to his own life and was living just because. In Shiki's ED1, Akira does see a meaning to life, and it's why he takes care of Shiki and protects him. Because he finally understands how valuable life is, and how you should cherish it.

But I'm gonna go back to the tunnel scene real quick to touch upon what exactly Shiki said that changed Akira's perspective and made Akira want to follow him:

Akira, his whole life, was looking for a purpose/meaning to his existence, and now he's finally "found" it, but not in the way he expected. After learning about his own past/backstory and how he was experimented on in the past, Akira starts thinking that the only reason for his existence is to be a test subject/experiment, and that his blood dictates his existence. He starts having an identity crisis basically, especially since he already saw how his blood hurts/kills people (Rein users, Takeru, Keisuke), and that the whole reason for why Emma and Gwen wanted to capture him was for his blood so he could be further experimented on.

So Akira starts falling into this hole, thinking that his worth in life is only determined by his blood. And then he turns to Shiki and asks if Shiki wants to kill him, because he expects Shiki to view him as only the "null-Nicole carrier" and not Akira as a person. He knows that Shiki hated Nano for having a virus in his blood, and Akira also has a virus in his blood, even if the effect is different. So he fully expects Shiki to kill him at this moment.

And then Shiki tells him: "You're mine. That's all there is to it."

Shiki says exactly the right words Akira needed to hear at this time. He's not going to kill Akira, because he doesn't view him for his blood, but for who he is as a person. Now let me make it clear that Shiki isn't the most emotionally intelligent person out there lol but I think, even during this moment, he saw how conflicted Akira was feeling about his own existence, especially with regards to the blood thing.

So Shiki... comforts him in his own special way by saying that he won't kill Akira because Akira is his possession, but also remember that Shiki made Akira his possession in the first place because he was interested in Akira as a person. When he kidnapped Akira, it was because he was fascinated by Akira's resistance and defiance and determination. This is as close to Shiki saying he likes Akira for who he is as you're gonna get, and what I love about this dialogue is how it keeps Shiki entirely in-character. He's not gonna coddle Akira or sugarcoat his words, and he's also going to hide his true feelings by saying that Akira is just his possession, but his true feelings are there in how he refuses to kill Akira. Because again, he views Akira as his own person, and not just as someone carrying a dangerous virus in his blood.

I'M GONNA STOP HERE BEFORE I RAMBLE TOO MUCH BUT. Let me just add this one last scene from the game to end it off on this point lol.

Shiki had told him who he was: that he remained Akira, no more, no less, despite the tainted blood in his veins. That was why Akira had chosen to stay, to be as near as he could to the core of who Shiki was.

At the end of the day, this is what I love about Shikiaki. This is why I ship them so hard. Because they truly understand each other, they see each other for the "core of who they are" and are drawn to each other's character traits. Shiki dedicated his whole life to killing Nano because of the "dirty virus" in Nano's blood, but him refusing to kill Akira even after learning about how Akira has the same blood origin speaks VOLUMES about how fond he actually is of Akira, and how he views Akira as his own person.

And I feel like, at the end of it all, Akira just wanted someone to understand him and see him for who he is. He had a difficult time communicating with others his whole life because people didn't like his terse and reserved nature (even his own best friend didn't like that side of him). But Shiki doesn't care about Akira's emotionally stunted nature; he cares about how Akira is determined, stubborn, prideful, and how he doesn't take shit from anyone lol. And Shiki likes every side of Akira. His route is the only one where Akira didn't have to drastically change his personality just to make the romance work, but Akira's pre-existing character traits were strengthened over the course of Shiki's route.

*TAKES DEEP BREATH* OKAY YEAH SORRY I RAMBLED A LOT THERE and that's not even all my thoughts tbh, that's just like. A third of it LMAO. I'm saving the rest for my meta.

But okay going back to your ask, yeah the sanitation aspect is one that I don't want to think too heavily on lmao. I think it just speaks to how much Akira cares for Shiki though, that he would help "clean" Shiki up, and how again, Akira is doing all of this because he recognizes how precious life is, so he won't abandon Shiki, because Shiki didn't abandon him back in Toshima.

NO DON'T APOLOGIZE FOR BEING EXCITED ABOUT ED1 I LOVE THIS ENDING SO MUCH I LOOOOVE TALKING ABOUT IT. I ALWAYS END UP WRITING A WHOLE ASS ESSAY WHENEVER PEOPLE ASK ME ABOUT IT. I'M REALLY HAPPY THAT THERE ARE OTHER PEOPLE WHO LIKE ED1 AS WELL, I feel like many Shikiaki shippers hated ED1 back then because it was so sad, but I feel like in recent times people understand and appreciate ED1 for what it is? And that makes me happy ig lol, like don't get me wrong I adore all of Shiki's EDs but ED1 is just. IT HITS DIFFERENT. And I hope that in my meta I'll be able to explain why ED1 is just the perfect ending for Shiki and Akira's story despite how sad and angsty it is sfhsdhfhdghfdghgffdg.

Thank you so much for the ask and I'm sorry I wrote a long ass response in reply omg I was just really excited reading your thoughts!!!

[silenttale22]

HAPPY WITH YOU |KSJ|

BestFriend!Seokjin x Chubby!Reader Genre: Fluff, angst, hurt/comfort, stupid friends to lovers Warnings: Swearing(as usually ig, sorry!), some mean comments 'bout reader's weight, reader's pretty low self-esteem Note: Hi Sweetheart, thank You for being here! I'm back, and surprise, surprise - soon I'm going to start new story, like story not one shot and I'm pretty excited! So, I hope you will enjoy!

It has never been your favorite thing to rush through the hallway, with the students talking at such a loud volume that it overpowers the sound of your headphones. Irritating even more, as you couldn't focus on the next steps. But you were made to do it day after day anyway. Trying to get to whichever class was listed on the university's schedule. But with your luck, it turns out your university decided, during its most chaotic and busy period, to renovate every possible corridor. Making it a real struggle to move from one place to another, and often having to rely on luck.

The actually made paths became confusing as much as even you, with your forever spare time and fairly decent organization, could barely make it to the needed places. With the passing time since it all started, couldn't really count how many times you found yourself lost in your search for a classroom. Often end up in a completely different area of the university's corridors, enduring stares full of puzzlement because what can you do on a particular floor with a stethoscope slung across your neck…

By far the worst was when you by accident got on the athletes' floor. Then the stares were even more baffling, but you yourself at times didn't know whether they were completely ordinary - filled with pure curiosity, some kind of intrusiveness on their part, or fake at all. Because more than once you asked yourself whether you were sometimes making everything up.

That's why, in and of itself, changing and looking for the place you needed wasn't your only problem. Much more troublesome was the unpleasant dryness in your throat and the tightening feeling in your chest, where your heart was pounding like crazy - often echoing in your ears. So more than once you had to ignore the repeated dizziness while walking a straight path. Your brain was able to come up with threats from every little thing at a surprisingly fast pace, making it increasingly difficult for you to believe in the realism of any situation.

On this day, however, you arrive in front of the classroom ahead of scheduled time, trying to stifle your jumbled thoughts and send a brief smile in the direction of your department friends. Your feet lead you to the group on your own, with whom you stick more closely and greet each other as warmly as your mind allows. You were always glad inside that you didn't have to go through all those years alone but rather had that helping hand to get through college.

And it's not that you bitterly regretted your choice of major. Ever since remember you've wanted to become a doctor and help others. But studying medicine can be the worst nightmare. Exhausting you to the point where you fall asleep over your textbooks with tears dried on your cheeks from overexertion, not only from the overwhelming amount of material but also from the stress that builds up in your head. With each revision before a new class which you already had coded in your head as necessary, or learning extra information on your own because you couldn't help yourself, a silent scream of exhaustion ripped through your head.

Willy-nilly, you were an ambitious perfectionist with a poor memory and miserable patience, which didn't make things any easier - in fact, it caused even more problems. You were coping, though, so you could say it really wasn't that bad. In fact, sometimes it was even better than you might have thought. Having to sit and stress over the simple fact that you wouldn't be able to cover all the material in one night often took more time than studying itself, and only got you out of your hair, which you were overly tugging at as you read the next chapter. This made those same nights sleepless when even after going through the book's chapters you were able to stay up wondering if you surely covered everything again.

There were also times when focusing on the subject material came with more trouble than usual. Especially when your head became busy with completely different kinds of thoughts, and instead of studying the structure of a heart, you wondered why yours was crying so much for someone who would never be yours - or at least not in the way you'd like him to be.

Because it all started from nowhere, surprising even you that these feelings were bottling up inside you this tight. No matter how much you try to push them out with words it will pass. They stayed, hunting to this day.

And yes, you could have woken up every morning or just rolled out of bed with the mindset that all you could do, or maybe must do was care for him. And yes, you could have said from time to time that "he is your best friend and you really love him," or that "you are happy to have him in your life, and his smile is one of the reasons for your happiness," but you did it with knowledge, that words must stay at the friendship point. So the pain in your chest while saying those words, since they don't mean the same thing to him at all, became too much to endure.

That's why you, more often when you weren't spending time studying, would rather make up each night's imaginary and never-ending stories with your friend in the lead role without sleeping another night, only to have a hard time facing him the next day. But what could you do about the fact that you were attracted to his person more than you should have been? What could you do about the fact that the sound of his voice popped up in your head more often than you would want it to, especially his faint and addictive laughter.

What could you do about the fact that from childhood, deep in your heart you already felt something more than friendship for him.

Years passed, and keeping these feelings inside as best you could became an unbearable weight. But you weren't willing to lose the closest person you ever had. The person who actually knew everything about you. And somewhere in the deepest part of your soul, you hoped that maybe one day he would also feel the same. But you quickly cross out those thoughts from your head, knowing that it was complete stupidity.

His figure was quick to begin haunting your dreams more often than usual. To this point, you tried even more to avoid him. There were times when you didn't write back messages or missed conversations for a couple of days, explaining later that you were studying or had no time. So you usually delayed all meetings with him as much as you could as well. But you could have guessed that he wasn't stupid at all, and your behavior somehow made him suspicious.

Nevertheless, you still found it hard to look him in the eye.

But something inside you cracked, and it was slowly breaking you apart. Hurting even more than usual. Your thoughts kept coming back to the fact that someday - sooner or later you are going to lose him. Saying what you really feel, or most simply by his irritation with you.

Until then, though, you didn't crave much. You just wanted to be next to him, to love him silently, to support his every decision and his growing career. To be there for him when he needed you.

Just why did it have to turn out so destructive for you in the end?

"Oh, hey Y/N! You knew that the acting major has a class on the same floor at the moment? Jin chat us up, he was asking about you," the voice of one of the girls snapped you out of your instant musing, and your gaze fixed behind the window frame came back to her smiling face.

"Really? He asked about something or just for…" you began, but your sentence was half paused when your name echoed down the corridor, and when you peeked your head out from over the shoulder of your friend standing in front of you. Eyes wide open as a tall boy could be seen running towards you.

No more than a second passed when his long, broad arms embraced your body swinging you in the same way, and your stressed muscles melted in his embrace instantly.

"How is my favorite miss doctor?" Seokjin's voice came into your ear together with a quiet giggle from standing next to you girls.

"I'm fine," you murmured, pulling away from his embrace, causing a wry expression sent in your direction.

You ignored it, having your heart pounding against your ribs, making you even more nervous. More and more you felt the air leaving your lungs, and you found it difficult to catch a proper breath with each passing minute.

"Hey, are you sure everything is okay? You look pale, do you still have a cold or did you spend the night in the books again" Jin's hand quickly went to your forehead to check your temperature, which you had higher just a few days ago by running in the rain when you missed the bus back home "You said you had fully recovered" the boy's worried voice brought back a sense of guilt in you, making you nod quickly in the negative, saying again that everything was fine and there was nothing to worry about.

A look of dissatisfaction quickly comes over Seokjin's face. His facial expression immediately tells you that he is in no way convinced by your answer, and his protective posture appears even closer to your hunched body being ready to grab you as if you were about to lose all strength.

This was also one of the reasons why you were so willing to completely put your heart in Seokjin's hands. You knew that when anyone stole his heart, he would be able to give up literally anything to keep the other person safe. Place a heart in his hands, and he would protect it above everything else, giving up his health and soul so that things would be as they should be.

The truth was that you never really fell in love with his beautiful face - not saying that in the meaning that you don't find him attractive - it's more about the fact that you were charmed by his soul from the very beginning. His pure soul, ready to stand up to make those close to him feel good at all costs.

"Are you finishing at 8 as usual?" you nod quickly in the affirmative on hearing the sound of his voice, causing another beautiful smile to be sent in your direction "I'll drive you home. By the way, we'll eat something, it's been a long time since we talked."

"We talked literally yesterday".

"On the phone. It's not the same" you roll your eyes, but agree with him, and a moment later send short words of goodbye to disappear behind the door of your classroom.

But just as quickly as you stepped over the class doorstep, your head and inner embarrassment began to work at top speed. What was to you after all those studies about all those bones and the construction of the entire skeleton, when your nerves were eating you up from the inside at the very thought of having dinner with him? Apparently, this was nothing new. The shared meal was nothing new. You couldn't count how many times such evenings had taken place, but after the hot dream with the boy in the lead role that spent the sleep of your eyelids tonight didn't seem to make things better at all. Your cheeks burned at every mention of it, let alone having him sitting across from you in your favorite restaurant, sending a cocky smile really out of nowhere, not sure what it was doing to your head.

Usually, you succeeded in acting like a best friend, and called all of your behavior a joke, or completely ignored his silly questions. But whenever Jin's flirty jokes got in the way, or when a boy wanted to show you at all costs what their rehearsals for an upcoming college performance looked like last time - the slight more intimate contact between his skin and yours made your heart want to jump out of your chest. Lately, your only saving hand had become sarcasm or dryness, and yes, it often saved your awkward situation, but still, Seokjin knew you.

Looking at your exceptionally good faking, you could tell that you would be able to do amazing acting if you really wanted to - and got rid of your face before doing so, replacing it with the desired standards. This also became one of the reasons why you were so quick to cross yourself off the list of "perfect girl" candidates for Seokjin. You were no actress, much less a model - your figure was far from that. Your chubby cheeks, pot belly, and bigger tights in no way included you in this list.

It wasn't even a matter of you not liking your body - because that wasn't the case at all, you had gotten used to it and in the long run, it didn't bother you - but after so many years you knew Jin's type and you were definitely not that type.

“Yah, better focus on this freaking skeleton cuz I honestly don't feel like being called on that”a strong nudge was sent by sitting right next to your friend, making you raise your eyes and fix them on the presentation popping up on the blackboard looking at each and every bone in our body from head to toe, struggling to keep your eyes open through the boring voice of the teacher.

"Well my dear ladies and gentlemen, that's it for today. Tomorrow we'll see you for a lecture about more significant bone injuries and their treatment I also hope you'll keep in mind our, starting soon, week-long internship at the hospital to get not only a theoretical but also a practical look at the work of doctors."

"Yes, Professor," the group replied in agreement chorus, and then in an instant everyone got up to their feet, so you wrapped your textbook and empty sheets of paper in your bag with speed, in order to leave the room as quickly as possible after the two-hour lecture.

In the end, you were one of the last to leave anyway, being dragged along by the same person who so recently had been paying attention to you during class.

"I am desperately in need of coffee," to her weepy voice and sudden hovering on your shoulder, you responded only with a quiet huff and let yourself be led to the school cafeteria without any objection.

A few thuds on the automat standing there and in the hands of your friend there was a small cup with a dark liquid, which turned out to be more watered-down crap than a tasty drink, but what can you expect from such automats.

"What kind of idiot makes this coffee? Supposedly the best university in the region, and gives us nothing but shit. How is this going to support such incredibly talented young doctors?" you snorted with laughter at her weepy words, leaving you met with a death glare.

You raised your hands in a defensive gesture, but only another groan left the girl's lips, only to spew out another dose of whining and name-calling at everyone in the surrounding area a short while later. She only fell silent when you found yourselves back outside the hall, as you sat down on the chairs set up somewhere in the corridor, your gaze wandered off its own accord to the actors' group. You were quick to find a smiling Jin with your eyes, and a quiet sigh left your lips.

"Okay, you'd better tell me right away what the hell is going on again between you and a particular ham."

"Huh?" your confused look is sent in her direction but she easily stares back sizing you up.

"You've been acting a little off lately when it comes. At first, I thought maybe you two had a fight, but he seems more than okay," she slurped her coffee, without taking their eyes off you

"Must be your imagination," you muttered, pulling your gaze away from the group standing afar and fixing it on a slightly skinned wall in front of you.

"Oh, yea? Cut the crap bish. Lie to him, not to me. You're losing it, hm?" he sends you a friendly smile, but you only wince letting out an annoyed sigh "I knew it!"

"Stop it" you mutter under your breath, however, she sends you a duck sideways "Seriously give it a go, I'm trying to get him out of my head. It won't take long." A puzzled look gets shoved into your face

"And why is that?" one of your eyebrows wanders up as you finally look at the girl's face

"Huh? What kind of question is that?"

"Why the hell would you want to get him out of your head? Girl, you'd look so cute!" The female almost squealed, clenching her hand on the coffee cup, causing a small amount of liquid to spill on her pants.

With no waiting, you just rolled your eyes and reached for some tissues for her, which she accepted gratefully still cursing her misfortune under her breath.

"Listen y/f/n, I'm no model or actress. And we both know that's who Jin will end up with," girl groaned, rubbing the dark stain on his jeans harder

"But you're his friend. The best one. So…it's almost like being in the front row," she said with a smile, handing you a pack of tissues

"Exactly, almost. In the front row at his wedding, crying into my sleeve that it wasn't me." y/f/n this time clearly didn't like your sarcasm when she slammed into your shoulder violently, and a quiet painful moan escaped your lips. "And what was that for?" you muttered, massaging the hit spot

"For stupidity, cheers."

"Yea, cheers…for facts with a hint of bitterness, I guess," you muttered, breaking off the chat, ignoring all the words pouring out of the words of the student sitting next to you about the main theme - Seokjin when he has the opportunity doesn't take his eyes off you.

And if only she knew how much she was messing with your head at that moment. You were again lost in your thoughts and that miserable what if. At even times, the words spoken gave you hope that maybe your friend really felt something more, but on the other hand, how naive could you be? Your stubbornness and lack of faith quickly deleted the briefly growing thought of a positive ending.

So the next few hours of lectures quite quickly became a horrible torture for you, and along with overzealous thoughts you were haunted by a headache tearing your skull from the inside. And the breaks between classes seemed even worse, as the girl sitting with you didn't even the slightest bit understand that bringing up the same topic over and over again doesn't help your situation. Especially when at times you managed to make eye contact with Jin standing at the other end of the corridor, always sending you his most beautiful smile, always sending mixed signals that you had no idea how to read.

When your hour struck and the last sentence came from the lecturer's mouth, you get up lazily from your chair, barely keeping yourself from letting out a quiet crying moan. Y/f/n as if reading your thoughts, pokes you lightly on the shoulder to send you a smile and a raised thumb up but you only sighed taking your bag and going to the exit, where you almost immediately saw Jin sitting down.

"How long have you been waiting over here after finishing your class?" you ask with a raised eyebrow, seeing the slightly sleepy eyes of the boy, who got up from a chair at the sound of your voice to send you a smile.

"Exactly 2 hours, 45 minutes and 45, 46, 47…" the boy began to repeat, looking at his watch and nodding from side to side naming the seconds

"Jin" interrupted his brief activity, and his gaze met yours again.

His pleasant warm eyes shimmered through the bright lights in the corridor, and your heart clenched painfully in your chest as the realization that getting a grip on yourself around him was becoming more difficult with each passing day.

"Shall we go, doctor? I'm hungry and I've eaten all the fruit mentos," Jin waved the package, already empty, right in front of your eyes snapping you back to reality. "I was joking. I left you the blue ones, I know they're your favorite" he showed you another one, this time a small sack with the blue mentos put aside

"All licked?" you chuckled jokingly

"It's not like we use the same toothbrush at all," you rolled your eyes,

“Not the same” he snored as you took the bag of blue candies from him, and moved arm-in-arm together to the exit.

The sky, now covered in dark blues, was slowly revealing the brightly glowing dots that you always used to stare at for long hours. Sitting on the windowsill of a sheltered room when everyone in the house had gone to bed, and with hot tea in your hand, you would hang your legs out the window to get a better view of the sky, which was not as visible as in the countryside anyway through the city light. That's why you were often happy when you could spend the night at Jin's place, especially in the warm summer when you set up a tent with a transparent roof in the backyard to lie down admiring the constellations or shooting stars. With each one, the two of you squeezed your eyes tightly shut and made up a wish that would someday come true.

Just why now yours seemed so far away, and even impossible to fulfill.

"You need to come over again for a sleepover" Seokjin's sudden voice as you reached the car turned your gaze skyward, as he exactly knew what are you thinking about, "Mom asked when you were coming. She thinks that out of the two of us you are the one with the taste, complete nonsense by the way, and she needs help with some curtains" a quiet snort escaped your lips as you took your place in the passenger seat, immediately fastening your seat belts.

"I doubt I'll be able to make it anytime soon. I'll be in the hospital the next week and on top of that the midterms are getting closer and…"

"Listen, I know that studying has always come first for you…but I have a feeling, lately, that you…hell, I don't know, maybe I'm stupid. Never mind." He said quietly tightening his hands on the steering wheel to soon after start the car and drive out of the college parking lot towards a restaurant of yours.

At first, the road was quiet, making Jin seem even more anxious. The first thing you always did when getting into the car was to plug your phone into the radio to pick a song for the road, and it usually told him what your mood was. Because the music always spoke for you and he had known that for a very long time. However, this time there was a silence that announced troubles.

As you were able to catch a glimpse of the sparkling lights above the restaurant's entrance from afar, just after your friend stopped in the parking lot at a nearby park, a pleasant sense of nostalgia embraced you with warm arms.

Memories of a not-so-distant winter flashed before your eyes. The trees decorated with the warm hue of the lights and the falling of delicate snowflakes created a beautiful scenery, that you couldn't take your eyes off from. Until a snowball hit your head starting a huge battle between the tree trunks. A battle filled with lots of laughter and that childish carefree attitude. After which, with frozen noses and soaked clothes, the two of you rushed into a restaurant to eat warm ramen.

"Shall we go?" Jin's hand rested on your shoulder as you gazed into space, unwilling to walk away from the memories. Memories in which everything seemed easy.

"Yes, yes. Sorry," you replied quickly and turned on your heel moving towards the restaurant. It's just a pity that you didn't notice this sad gaze of a boy who followed you with insecurities growing bigger.

Taking a seat at the table was the easiest thing as the place wasn't so popular. It took minutes to take an order where you didn't even have to say what you wanted in detail. Seokjin knew your order perfectly. He knew everything. Almost everything. But his gaze fixed on your skin today was burning unbearable. And you knew that the very moment you wanted so badly to prolong was slowly coming. The moment when you're going to lose him.

Because, after all, friends don't look at each other for such long moments. Friends don't feel such a strong feeling in the heart when a brief smile full of care is sent. Friends don't bring you these pleasant butterflies that make you so happy.

And you were terrified by the fact that boy might actually start to realize that you don't look at him as a friend anymore at all.

“Listen” he started, making you look at his face after your miserable tries “I was about to talk about something else but first you have to know that, uh…I don't like it at all,” you raised an eyebrow to send him your confused look but he huffed “Your behavior. I don't like it.” your eyes widen, and you could feel the blood draining from your face.

Your gaze paused on his eyes for a long moment, not knowing what you should do. You felt the stress build up in your body, your heart pounded hard against your chest by the excess of sudden emotions that began to fill you from the inside stronger than in the past months.

“Wh-what do you mean?” your voice trembled as the words filled with anxiety came out of your throat after a short while

“I mean your avoiding. Your brushing me off every fucking time I try to reach for you. What's going on? You don't want to be friends? You found someone? I don't understand,” you couldn't run away, you had to face it. Doesn't matter how much you didn't want to.

“No Jin. It's just…stress…”

“Yea, stress…bullshit. Stop with these excuses, damn. I know you too well, okay? I know it's something that hurts you. Not just stress, school, or family. I know it isn't.”

“Listen, I don't know what are you talking about. Nothing is happening, okay?” he huffed, wanting to begin another sentence but the food was set up on the table and you immediately took chopsticks to fill your cheeks with rice.

“Easy there piggy, you will choke or something” sudden voice of waiter made your eyes widen, almost choked on the rice as the waiter said. And with your overwhelmed state, eyes started quickly watering.

“What the fuck you just said?” angry tone of Jin's voice made you swallow the rice down hard, feeling how it hurts your gulle

You just wish to go home and cry in your pillow.

“Sorry, I had no intention of insulting your…um, friend,” waiter said without any tone of regret, looking still with a somewhat painted dislike

"That's my fucking girlfriend and so you better call out your best apology if you still want to work here" your eyes widened again at his words, but you couldn't lift your gaze stuck in the table.

A mixed feeling once again popped up in your chest. Because why would he say something like that? Staying with the word friend was just enough…

"Jin, just let it go," you said quietly, hoping that everything would be over quickly.

This whole situation, this whole meeting.

"Sorry" The waiter nodded and quickly disappeared from sight, and Seokjin let out a low annoyed groan still wanting to stand up and hit him

"Y/N look at me" you glanced at him hesitantly, still trying to fight back the tears coming to your eyes "He's an idiot, and please don't cry. You're beautiful," and that was the moment when the real tears fell down your cheeks. Because you couldn't believe it. Not right now.

"J-just give me a moment" you quickly wiped away the dropping tears and got up from your chair "Gotta go to toilet."

You quickly disappeared from Jin's sight and slammed the restroom door behind you. As you walked over to the mirror to look at your reddened face in the reflection, unwanted tears flowed down your cheeks even more. That awful feeling of shame began to fill you, and honestly, you didn't know if it was this waiter's words that had such an impact on you, or rather the instant hope wrapped around you that Seokjin's words could ever be true.

You stared at your reflection and the only thing you wanted to do now was spit on it, as well as on your hopeless heart, which always had to screw everything up. As if it couldn't most simply find someone else. As if it couldn't pound faster for every other person around, every other person but him.

Quick splash on your face with cold water, glad that you had let go of any makeup in the morning when getting up for lectures, and after waiting a while for your maroon cheeks to turn a slightly stronger pink, you left the washroom to return to a boy sitting impatiently. He tapped out an unfamiliar rhythm on the table. Your plates were still full, his chopsticks still lying wrapped, untouched in the same place.

"Are you feeling better?" were the first words to leave his lips and you initially only nodded affirmatively while taking a larger sip of the cool water, which cooled you slightly from the inside. "I swear, I could just hit him."

“Stop it Jin, let's just forget about it” voice was still shaking but you tried to ignore it and take another sip of water “Just talk about the thing you wanted to,” you brushed off the topic, as you always do when something hurts but what could you do

“But…” you send him a quick look which was understood but he hesitated. Not being sure if can really just start the chat again.

“Please, just talk,” you mumbled, playing with chopsticks nervously, avoiding his gaze as much as you could

“Okay, fine then,” A deep breath was taken, which made you concerned. And as boy said another word “I-I like someone.” it became the words, that made the sound of a breaking heart inside your chest. Knowing now that every one of your stupid suspicions was false. Knowing that everything you used to overthink was now true. And even if you saw it coming, it still hurts

“Oh my, that's awesome Jin!” you send him the best-faked smile you can, feeling like everything inside from a living nightmare turned into a scary emptiness that wants to throw you into a vortex of eternal sorrow. But after all, you had to be happy, happy for him. To support him for as long as he needed.

“Uh, yeah…I mean, at first, I wasn't sure. I used to feel different with her but wasn't sure if this is it. But after some…behaviours, I think my heart understood something. And I guess..that, um, damn it's pretty hard to talk about.” he took a breath, and a quick sip of the water “When it hurts so much, after not seeing her, or seeing her hurting, it means I feel more, right?” he said struggling, but you just kept a smile on your face

“Well Jin, if you think you like someone, if you feel it inside your heart…then it must be true, right?”

“I guess so but, I don't think she likes me back. Not in this way.” you furrowed your eyebrows, wishing to beat the girl's ass without even knowing who is she.

“C'mon, who wouldn't fall for you?” words slipped off your lips faster than you thought and boy left a quiet miserable chuckle.

“Yea, you,” he said quietly as if you didn't mean to hear it. But you did. And it made you look at him with confusion.

“My word doesn't count,” you said, swallowing hard, starting to play with fingers,

“Problem is, it does,” you looked at him with question painted on your face “‘cause it's you,” he added, making your eyes widen and only a small ‘huh’ left your lips. But as a boy didn't say anything else, your thoughts began processing.

“Wait, what?” you almost choked on your own saliva, thinking that you're in some freaking reality show. “Stop joking with topics like that you idiot.”

“I like you Y/N”

“Jin I said stop joking around” you huffed, knowing how much he liked to do such things, yet he never did it…that deep.

“I'm not, really. I thought about it, a lot actually. But firstly I thought it was just momentary because we have been so close since always and all. But…you know, for some time when you used to have this project, heart diseases or something with this stupid guy…”

“Joohyuk?” he stopped, as you quickly said the name making only Seokjin look at you with a “you really had to, huh?” face

“Yeah, whatever fuck him. I…damn, it made me so mad. Like, why do you smile at him like that..huh?” his body was tense, fingers playing with a napkin, squeezing it tight from time to time in the fist

“Jin”

“No, shut up. I-I tried with my flirty jokes, I-I tried to, you know, came closer but you have always been using your fucking sarcasm, and as usual, I do find it funny, every time you rejected me like that made me think what the hell am doing wrong…”

“Nothing…” you mumbled, couldn't look him in the eye, because…all you did was on purpose. On purpose to not fall even more for him.

“Huh?”

“You did nothing wrong you idiot. I've been sarcastic because I didn't want to lose you.” his eyes widened, and you could swear that his face brightened a little bit because of your words

“Huh?!” you rolled your eyes at the disbelieve painted on his face, sight felt on the table

"I-I have feelings for you, and It-it was hard for me as I thought you'd never fall for someone like me. And I wanted to play it cool…so I did that..” started more mumbling than speaking, he still with painted disbelieve knocked on the table to make you look at him

“You did that on purpose? Are you stupid???” his louder voice made some people look in your direction, making you cringe inside

“Yah, better watch your mouth,” you said, kicking his legs under the table which made him let out a stifled squeal

“In what freaking ever possible way could I DO NOT fall for you?”

Your head couldn't process for a long while what was really going on and in what direction the whole conversation was going. You couldn't believe that all the gestures that you thought were just friendly, turned out to be something more. And your heart can do nothing more than dance joyfully inside your chest, yet your head is in the completely opposite corner of the room. It's tossing around hitting the walls, refusing to admit that this is happening. Pretending for so long, managed to get used to the fact that you would never be chosen. And your brain was always the one who spoke up, often not allowing your heart to speak a word.

“Like, in every way? Just look at me” you commented after a while but the boy snored looking at your face, as well as you couldn't believe that you really felt something for him too.

“Oh I do, I do look a lot and I can stop sometimes,” cheeks start to burn slightly, and when a sweet chuckle from Jin comes to your ears you don't know if you want to burst into tears, or happy laugh together with him. “Y/F/N never told you? She caught me too many times just standing and staring at you. Because, damn… you're so beautiful.”

“She did…did tell me about it but you know, kind of hard to believe,” you left a miserable laugh, already putting your hands on the table and it didn't take long for Jin to brush his finger onto yours and then grab your palm in his. “You know Jin, we're friends but like from different words sometimes”

“Doesn't change anything. They always say marry your friend, someone who liked you first and then fell in love because there's no one else who understands you that much. ” his warm skin on your cold hands gave you an instant burst of butterflies, and it didn't matter how much you still wanted to fight your feelings, it was too hard.

Because you knew, every freaking time you will see him, you will fall for him even more. “Y/n” you looked at him, and a soft smile melted your heart. “Would you like to be mine?”

“I…” and there was this hesitation, because what if this will bite the dust? What if those feelings aren't permanent? Of course they don't, it can all change with the snap of the fingers. But it was hard for you to refuse. Hard when he looks at you with these warm eyes, begging for more.

“I know you're scared, of course, I know. But trust me…”

“I do. I always trusted you. The same, I was always yours Jin. Always.” his big smile was sent to you, and a moment later he left a small peck on your hands, promising that he wouldn't let you down.

And you know he won't. But you're still scared that maybe it's you, who's going to let him down.

This is another time when you rush through a corridor full of students, somehow pushing past the protruding shoulders. Knowing deep that you are grossly late for Seokijn's much-awaited performance, for which you had been rehearsing the script with him for months. And all over again because of those unfunny renovations that had you feeling like choking the principals of your school soon.

Your passing exam from the main building was moved to a completely distant corner of the university, not to mention that the professor himself was late due to which everything sucked your time. And now you had somewhere this barely passed exam when you glanced at your watch seeing that the spectacle had already lasted a good half hour.

You rushed into the school's theater auditorium unable to catch your breath, but still ignored the burning sensation in your chest. You moved toward the security guard standing in front of the venue's entrance, trying to calm your breathing and trying miserably to find the badge you got from Jin providing you entrance to a special sector for close ones. Tears almost came to your eyes when you couldn't feel under your fingers the pink lanyard your entrance badge was on.

"I don't fucking believe it," you muttered and tugged the bag off your shoulder to get a better view of its interior. Luckily for you, the entrance ticket got tangled in your sweater, and with a sigh of relief, you pulled it toward the security guard, who with a nod let you inside.

With every effort, you tried to get to your seat without disturbing the people already sitting. Still, it was hardly without unpleasant whispers in your direction, which fortunately your nervousness ignored this time.

You finally found your seat, right next to Seokjin's mom who sent you her happy smile and patted your thigh when you finally sat down and turned your gaze to the stage to see a boy dressed in princely robes, stunningly presenting himself on stage.

Was this really your boyfriend?

Although you couldn't take your eyes off him, you saw that, despite his excellent acting, you saw that there was a shadow of sadness on his face that you suspected was caused by you. A sudden tightening of sadness emerged in your chest, wishing Jin would look in your direction. He could see that you were here supporting him with all your heart. Just like you always did.

"He was very stressed before coming in," you heard Ms. Kim's voice, and an even greater sense of guilt embraced you tightly

"I would have been on time if it weren't for the stupid professor" you burbled, in response to which the woman just patted you on the knee and pointed with her head to look towards the stage

And your gaze met Jin's, and a wide smile appeared on your face. You lifted two thumbs up to see the corners of the boy's mouth lift slightly and that uneasy weight from your chest disappeared. He knew you were here. He knew you were giving him support.

When the performance came to an end and a loud standing ovation filled the entire auditorium, you couldn't stop yourself from hopping from foot to foot to set off on a run to congratulate your boyfriend backstage. After a short while, you headed off together with Jin's mom, but she made it pretty clear that you should be there first so you didn't even wait and shot a quick smile in her direction to run right after in the right direction, waving in before the eyes of the security guard with a ticket, who for your luck, let you go in without a problem.

And you could already see Jin from afar. How could you not when his face was glowing in these warm lights. But when two foreign hands suddenly wrapped around his neck, and he was locked in a tight embrace, your feet stopped hard in place. Sharp pain appears inside chest. Her long dark hair reaching the waist swayed slightly, and her magazine-like figure looked gorgeous in the fitted dress. Slender modeled legs in high heels, in which she had to stand on tiptoe to reach Jin anyway.

Your total opposite. Sweet.

Your stomach did a flip, and a feeling of uncertainty gripped your body even tighter. As you stand there only in black jeans and a white shirt, with Converse on your feet. Again, that strange sensation of suffocating inside along with the difficulty of catching your breath began to burn painfully in your cage.

You are not this pretty…

"Yeah, thank you, Jia. So nice of you." he sends her a smile, with this handsome luck on his face making it hurt even more.

"You know I thought we could maybe…" Your head dropped down like a whupped puppy, and you were about to turn your back and leave but then his voice came to your ears

"Excuse you," he cut in on her words, making you lift your head, to exchange a glance with the actor "…my girl is waiting" he pushed her gently to quickly sprint in your way and put all his weight on you, wrapping arms around your waist and tickle you with his fingers.

Lips found yours as quickly as he came to you, and the temperature of cheeks changed immediately.

“Another time let this pretty head of yours think too much, hm?” his voice made you groan, and hid his face into his chest so he could hug you tighter.

“Can't help it sometimes.” you smiled, brushing his hair with fingers

“Don't I show my love well?” he whined

“Shut up, you're just too handsome” he laughed loudly, making your heart flip from this happy sound.

“Handsome, yes. Agree. But not as much as you, You are way too beautiful.” You snored into his chest at the words and even though it's nothing new, sometimes you just can't get used to it.

“I'm so proud,” you said, looking into his eyes now “You did so so good.”

“Thank you, darling, for a while I thought you won't come…” you bite your cheek from inside, saying a quiet “sorry but this stupid professor” and he understood. He always did

“By the way. Did you pass?” he asked suddenly, making you pop your head up from his chest.

“Got D”

“Aish, sorry” you chuckled only, meeting his surprised look “you don't look sad at all?” his brow snapped up, squishing your cheeks lightly.

“Cuz I'm not, and why you sorry? I passed, right?” You smiled again, it was hard not to when you looked at him

“But you rather A type of student,” he mumbled

“I don't care. You're my today, and forever A” only quiet “oh” answered you, and you couldn't hold back the laugh. “Listen, you were always for me, right? With every exam, every hard time. And I am always here to support you, okay? Always to make you happy,” you added, as he caressed your cheek and left another peck - this time on your cheek

“I know, and I am happy. To have you by my side.”

And you only smiled with this warm feeling inside your heart, promising yourself that you'll do everything to make him happy with you.

[rou-luxe]

written 10:42-11:24 PM Sunday 6/2/24

haha I don't make any fucking sense not proofread

I'm really hoping tomorrow doesn't come.

I think distracting myself peaked again after one of my own parents called me useless and lazy. The other parent keeps telling me to talk to them, to tell them what's wrong... but it doesn't really help, they keep comparing me to people like my aunt (who they raised) and themself. It's not reassuring. It doesn't help at all. But you know, parents always offer food in place of comfort and apologies 🥰

I didn't even start working on my presentation (which, to be fair, we only had TWO DAYS for) or finish the material needed for it. The presentation was supposed to be tomorrow. Hardly fair... For the paper I mentioned, there's no one I know who can proofread it properly... On top of that, the tutors don't respond as quick as I'd like and don't even give good feedback in the first place.

Mental health hardly feels like an excuse. I don't know what's wrong with me. Is it something fundamentally in my being?

I hate feeling weak. Feeling flawed. Older child syndrome.

I don't like sharing my feelings

here sorry this is the revised censored version from a week and half ago

Why am I like this? Why do I have to be this flawed? Tell me, what did I do to deserve this life? What sin have I committed? I'm so sensitive that even the slightest thing breaks me. Is there something wrong at the core of my being?

I wish these feelings would go away

it's commonly said that how someone is raised shapes them...

"Let the knife sink into the flesh and pierce my heart, for life is a tragedy and I am exiting the stage."

"No more hate, no more love, just a standstill: though empty, it is peace."

"I deserve to suffer for my 'crimes', for in your eyes, I am truly at fault."

"Perhaps someday soon some kind soul will give me deliverance. Shoot me, strike me dead. Goodbye, I have been liberated from this mortal coil, this miserable prison of flesh. Goodnight. Good riddance to the torture called life. I am glad to be rid of it." - the "if you love me then put me out of my misery" philosophy again

back to flaw: "I am not a saint, and thus I will forever rest in the depths of hell."

I should have died that day, but Death hates me too

"Crack open my chest, and devour all that is there, for then I will be of some use." - I've said this one before I think

we're either going out quietly or with a bang

"Death to the sinner, wouldn't the self-proclaimed saint be delighted?"

"In a world where people watch and do nothing as others suffer, is it possible for you to blame me for trying to think of myself?"

then I think there was the big one from November it went something like this

it looks so cringe I usually express things better on paper

"if you love me then put me out of my misery"

I hate how showing emotions is frowned upon. not just the society here, I've been yelled at for crying since I was merely four. can't get proper help because that's like a "disability" and it's time-consuming. my cousin (bipolar, sui) tried but couldn't get proper therapy either. yeah he's alive and steadily getting better but it's never gone

gosh do family issues run in the family

mother + all her siblings got mommy issues

father got everyone issues ig 💀 I hate people with a short temper

as far as I can tell most of my cousins got both parents issues (1st / 2nd cousins)

are these feelings normal it feels like reality is being forced down my throat. I don't want to wake up and face the world anymore.

what are we chugging today

[jennyandvastraflint]

Xena Reactions S2Ep19. Welcome to an episode of me absolutely HATING Odysseus 😂

Homer? As in... The guy who wrote the Illiad and the Odyssey?

"You have to learn to smell the flowers"

"I want you to close your eyes" awwww

"I'M HAPPY TO BE ON DRY LAND"

"I want you to have a sense of peace" djdhdhf

Pls Xena just chilling, smelling the flowers

Ooookay, now we help him

The girls kick assss

Ulysses!?? ODYSSEUS!?

KING OF ITHACA SJDHDSHD (Reigning king of ITHACA, neither man nor mythical, I am the infamous.... ODYSSEUS)

POSEIDON SHGJDHDB

Yes well Odysseus, maybe don't FUCKING BLIND HIS SON.

Oof... Xena he fucked up, please. I'm kinda with Poseidon on that one ✌️

Odysseus. I have read your Odyssey... 😂 You FUCKED UP.

Yippie, they mention the Troy episode

Gabrielle, no. It's bad enough that Circe and Calypso inexplicably have a thing for this guy.

Nah, Ulysses don't you dare hurt Gabrielle...

UH. "The last time I saw her she was a child" that sounds like pedophilia... I'm guessing they were both 17...... Else it's still fucking weird

SJFHDHD GABRIELLE

Poor her tho...

Shddh okay she's knocking then over

"Hey boys. I want in on the fun too." YEAAA

Lots o' fighting, ye

I just fucking hate Odysseus. For personal reasons, and also because that guy LAME UGLY (no offence ig)

Oh he was shot because he's an idiot.

ULYSSES. NO. YOU HAVE A WIFE... ffs Penelope deserves better 🙄 We should get Penelope a nice wife

Poor Gabrielle is seasick

Oh, several days you say? YOUR STUPID ASS NEEDED TEN YEARS.

Past the sirens. Just lock Odysseus up

"You mean this isn't rough???" yeah mood

TYING HIM UP SHDHSHS

Odysseus your mind is in the GUTTER.

Gabrielle "Please kill me" Babygirl

Oh why hello Sirens 👀

Poseidon works with them

Gabrielle is like "Nah. Not this. Pls. I'm already sick"

TOSS HIM IN I WANT HIM TO DIEEE

Oh he's such an idiot...

Do the sirens not have a song for lesbians 😂

OH. XENA SINGS. NEAT. Yes well that's a siren song I'd follow

BWAHAHA GABRIELLE WAS SUMMONED BY XENA'S SINGING (or at least that's how I see it)

Ulysses stop fucking FLIRTING..... 🙄

Xena is like :|

Ulysses you are a moron. Fuck off. She's a lesbian.

"Or my ideal of her" hmmmm well...

"Do you think I'm crazy?" YES.

Ulysses Gabrielle is Xena's soulmate...

EW. WHAT IS THIS DISGUSTING STRAIGHTNESS. YUCK. I need to bleach my eyes

Poor Gabrielle :( Had to hear Ulysses making out with Xena

"Gotten used to feeling miserable" :(

"I need to know" THE CLOSEUPS

YOU'LL FOLLOW YOUR HEART YOU'RE PART OF MY HEART

Gabrielle taught Xena how to love 🥺

Urgh I Don't FUCKING LIKE Ulysses

Gabrielle smooching the land sjfhsbd mood tho

"I carved that when I was five" Xena is like :|

No, SHE'S NOT DEAD. I KNEW ITTTT

Ulysses fuck off

Oh the suitors

NO THIS IS NOT POSEIDON'S WORK. YOU'RE JUST A FUCKING MORON. Sorry I just hate Ulysses

PENELOPE AND THE CHALLENGE!!!

Blah blah yea, piss off. "I don't love Penelope" blah.

"I'm not in love with you" "I don't believe you >:("

HA. HER CALLING HIM OUT. AS SHE SHOULD

Gabrielle heard. I think they should kiss about it

Oh the doggo recognised him

XENA HELPED HIM SHDHDHSS

"Because I am Ulysses" aha. He'll kill all the suitors...

Gabrielle my dear girl knocked a guy out with the throneee

🙄 Ffs I don't FUCKING LIKE YOU.

"Does she love you" DON'T FUCKING PUSH PENELOPE ASIDE LIKE THAT. YOU SUCH SM. PENELOPE DESERVES A BETTER SPOUSE

Boo, I hate Odysseus.

"She's quite a woman standing up to all those pirates" dbfhfhd The way they're gay about Penelope XD

ODYSSEUS SUCKS ✌️ I think Poseidon deserves to have killed him. As a treat.

Yeah not a huuuge fan of that episode either, I just have personal beef with Odysseus...

[lesbi-nyan]

Its like 3:47AM and ig im making a life update post since i cant fall back asleep.

Huge news. in just these last 3 days of looking at places with assistance from this local housing program, I have responded to 8 listings and immediately got a reply from 1 that same hour. had a viewing the next day. yesterday I signed my very first rental lease contract and and i've paid the deposit fee. my move in date is march 15th!!! I'll have a proper place w a roommate (stranger).

The subsidy this program said they would provide me with, is no longer happening because i have too many savings above their cap. The great thing (sarcasm) about this, is i went with this place cause tho it is slightly above budget at $945/m (with utilities), with the rental subsidy that makes it loads more affordable. but now my whole paycheck from my minimum wage job is going to go to paying rent, with barely any left over. I mentioned this to the worker and she said she'd ask her manager if the subsidy would still be appropriate. to be determined.

the lease is only 5.5 months, with potential for longer.

I'm takibg steps to find a better paying job and one that'll make me hopefully less miserable. this program isnt just leaving me cut and try either; our next step is to visit Work BC and figure out HOW i can get a bettrr paying job/ the skills for that. that'll b next week.

as of earlier this week, during yet another work breakdown, my manager asked me how i feel about this job. i've told him i dont feel i fit in here and it sucks cause i was so excited to work for this compaby, and i am looking for new work. but i dont have a timeframe.

he said he won't change my schedule til i ask him to, and said he's sorry to see me leave, as he's seen some great work from me, just that it's really 50/50. somedays i cannot function, and other days i feel amazibg and great. To be clear i hate this job but i have to stick with it a bit longer.

I'm probably gonna keep ebegging, but with this new place i hope i can also start posting more lewd content that'll make you want to tip me 💜. if only if onlyfans finally accepts my damn identity authentication, ive been struggling with it for months and it sucks.

Thank you to everyone who's tipped and donated and been supportive to me these last 4 months of my leaving/ running away from my parents' place, and setting out in my own. it's not been easy, but it is getting better ~nya

[creature-wizard]

i used to be in the loa community and it was miserable lol. i'd have phases of being so inspired and really feeling like things were going to change for the better, only for it to not happen. for a long time i held out, and any 'failures' i had i took it as an opportunity to improve and carry on. but then at some point i just began to spiral--it came out of nowhere--and i felt so, so hopeless. i think with every 'mistake' and failure i had, it built up without me fully realising it. i never told anyone, not online and of course not in real life, because acknowledging it would've been the final nail in the coffin for my 'journey' or whatever.

anyone who voiced their upset about not getting the results they wanted, they'd be told by some blogs that it was because they "weren't persisting enough", and that all they needed to do was continue. any mention of doubt or feeling bad was frowned upon. it sucked. because i sure as hell knew that i was putting my heart and soul into it. i like to view myself as someone who is steadfast, but a person can only handle so much until they crumble. to be fair, it wasn't completely loa's fault for my sudden decline in mental health, there were definitely different factors. but it probably wasn't that healthy for me regardless. burnouts happen ig

in defence of some of the blogs i've been on, there are definitely a few that don't have the regular toxic ideology that a lot of the other blogs do. not all of them take neville goddard's words and teaching as gospel, and some of them actually encourage getting help when you need it and to not rely on loa completely, and they reiterate that any awful things that happened to people wasn't their fault! but i will say that those more healthy loa blogs are more rare and hard to come by. coincidentally, they're also the least active. but i digress

but yeah. my main issue with loa was that after being in that community long enough, i just became stagnant. mostly due to the hope that things would sort them out themselves. i'd hold back on pursuing things and making plans because i wanted to do them AFTER i'd manifested everything. but clearly that didn't work out for me lol.

so uh yeah if you're in the community and reading this and you're not quite ready to let go of it yet, just don't let it hold you back. you think it isn't harmless until you just stop moving forward because of it. and please don't be afraid of reaching out for help.

sorry for the long ramble, hope you're doing well.

fuccccckkk if it were all true. manifesting a big ass psychic elephant would have been so metal !!

Thanks for sharing your story! And yeah, that's the thing about trying something over and over with no results - you might be able to repress the disappointment for awhile, but it will build up and eventually come out and hit you all at once. And it can hit hard.

You mention that you never posted about your failures, and I think that this is a far more common in the Law of Assumption community than many people realize. Neville Goddard's teachings and the community around them absolutely push people into self-censorship. We see people posting success stories (or, supposedly posting success stories), but we really have no idea of what's going on behind the scenes.

And it's a shame that the blogs taking a healthier approach to this aren't as common or active. But honestly, the fact that the toxic bloggers are spending all this time on this blue hellsite when they could, supposedly, manifest themselves doing literally anything else should tell people a lot about how well they're actually doing with the Law of Assumption and their approach to it.

Anyway, I'm glad you're doing better and I hope things keep going well for you!

[delicateimage]

1. First of UNRELATED but FUCKKKKKK MY STIMACH HURTS SO MUHC KILL ME NOWWWWWW N E ways I so saw that after interacting with relatively normal people for the first time in a WHILE post covid (let’s be serious post middle school… like wow I was a loser emo.) and how people can actually LEARN from others instead of intense ridiculous ostracism for any minor differentiation, being online feels like this suffocating circus of charades to fit into any single community, entire ppl’s lives are online to compare to yourself and the comparison is just something that got so so heavy on me, to feel worthy in an internet landscape I had to jump through the hoops of regular teen identity dilemmas while also being out to adult standards of experience education and other standards I simply can’t or don’t give a fuck about achieving I could actually blab on about this forever so I’ll practice some discretion and zip it but thanks for the advice and experience!! Once I’m in physical college classes I hope I’m able to actually make irl friends for the silly reason of wanting to have fun. Human nature ig

2. INCOMIGNG BLABFEST OOPSIE but this made me think about how having a diary is truly the samsara (circle of life - also omg my dumbass had to Google it bc I forgot the name 😭) where in the moment the author can realize by embodying posterior perspectives while writing and in ongoing rumination about the finished product in order to cultivate a matured perspective on a topic, and how that rumination extends WELL WELL after the initial writing experience through memory recollection, and how this recollection is made unique through stimuli from one’s personal writing process, and even if memory fails you the archive of your writing from the inception of the ability to write and OMG THIS WAS SO PRETENTIOUS IM SORRY 😭 but like the ability to blab on about stupid drawn out shit and having the excuse of ITS MY DIARY don’t like don’t read teehee!! Is so fun and like idc everyone who is mad about that is so miserable and not as untouchably smart and superior as they think like how did you even become this ‘above’ us peasants, by WRITING. READING. Whatever. Also THANKS AGAIN YOURW WAY WAY TOO SWEET and also what accomplishments do you hope to achieve this year or in some eventuality?

3. This goes for all of Europe like Europe is so not real I can’t even imagine how tiny it is like it’s literally the size of FUCKING TEXAS and it’s supposed to be a ‘continent’….? Like what. How is it real that these geeks can go to France to turkey in the amount of time it takes to walk from dennys to your Honda civic in a Kentucky strip mall parking lot, like these people need to stop being as pompous about their public transport no matter how effective it is (it’s still really good and way better than the automobile market but let’s be serious ofc it’s easier to establish when your country takes five minutes by hopping on one foot to go from border control to border control)

4. Omg is there any sort of Union that could prompt lobbying for any type of repairs? Ofc it’s extremely doubtful it would get any sort of actual improvements bc MUH PROFITS but I hope the work environment there engenders some sort of small scale solutions by the workers like a really kind worker bringing in a fan…

5. UGH I WISHHHH canvas is too sophisticated NAURRR and also omg this school is making me feel SO stupid and inferior like I want so badly to be a scholarly and motivated student but I’m growing absolutely horribly and getting faced with failure from every direction I hate it so much

[decompose1]

Hi there petra! Im sorry if im sounding weird rn or smth i know we haven't interacted that much at all aside from that object show analysis server and ig i can say i had been admiring you from afar but i cant stop but being amazed with the work you have done specially when it comes to analyzing taco and microphone

Im somebody who is heavily invested into taco's character and her relationship with mic and your analysis and points of view gives me a better description of them and their relationship and it helped me a lot to understand it better

Which is also why i want to share you my thoughts abt her since i think you are one of the people who would hear me out

And is that,,,i just love this british woman alright? And i love telling people how SCREWED her mental health is because of the game, she is literally alone atm she has anybody she cant rely on, th3 only thing she can rely on right now is inanimate insanity because at the end of the day that show is the only thing she feels she has left on her miserable life which worsens her mental stability, she needs somebody to help her, somebody she can rely on, somebody who lends her a hand, somebody who loved and cared for her like mic did, somebody who can direct her to the right track

Because she is lost and disoriented in this world, and the only thing she can do is stick to her plan, because after all what else can she do? What else can she do after she lost the only person who took the time to actually understand her and didn't got inmediatly pushed away for her real self? And the only thing she feels she can do? Continue, continue with her plan,she cant do nothing more, because she already lost it all

Mic leaving her HURTED her and im 100% more than pickle, because mic understood her, mic cared for her, mic didn't inmediatly got pushed away by her true self, mic trusted her and had faith for her

And that's what hurts her the most, that the only one you could possibly rely on its now gone just like the rest of people around you

She is hurt and miserable again, but i feel the fact that mic leave was needed for her character to start growing, like you say millions of times she'll probably so one final mistake before breaking down but i feel mic leaving her was the first step for her to atleast for a second realizing how much she screwed things up

Taco is not only hurting the ones she cares for she is hurting herself as well in the process

And i think that's one of the most tragic things of her character, the isolation, the despair, the guilt, the regret

This girl desperatly NEEDS help,she NEEDS somebody to put her on her place, she NEEDS somebody who she can rely on and that puts her on an actual good track

She needs somebody to call her out and show her how much she is not only hurting the ones she loves but also how MUCH she is hurting herself

Taco is badly damaging herself and badly and she needs somebody to make her see that, she is blind, she is lonely, she just needs somebody to lend her a hand

And make her see

All the crap that she had done

And how much the entire show is affecting her

And depsite all of the things i say i just CANT hate her, this girl is going through already many guilt for me to put more weights on her shoulders and despite all what she did i really want her to get the happy endibg she secretly awaits for.

[Side note:its so funny to me how microphone is like my highest ii kin and how much im invested into taco's character and how i cant hate her and i actually took my time to understand her just like mic did, this woman deserves a break and many hugs and im willing to give her that sbebeeh i just hope mic and taco can make the amends maybe taco getting her redemption arc apologizing to mic AND pickle, spending some time at the hotel, mic and her becoming friends again, and after that catching feelings for eachpther and everyone happy DJDHDH but srs tysm for making me understand even more taco and mic relationship i hope both sides of your pillow are cold tonight :] bye bye for now! Hope we can talk more abt mic and taco and their relstionship sometime soon and i hope you have a great day/afternoon/night goodbye again and see you later!]

oh i'm so sorry it took me a moment to get to this! what a delightful ask to get as i was coming back from the con!!

I think this is a really apt read of her, for sure! I absolutely agree she needs that sort of influence/reinforcement in her life right now. I think she's burning a lot of bridges in a sort of wild, desperate attempt to make it so this wasn't for nothing- she wants the prize, because i think, at this point, she worries that if she doesn't get it, she will have hurt all these people for no reason. She lost Pickle and Mic for no reason. And i think that's something really scary for her, this loss of control and the idea that she really DOESN'T know what she's doing and it WASN'T worth it.

Taco is a very complex character, and i adore her dearly. She's definitely one of my all-time favorite characters, so i'm super glad to hear you like my read of her!!!! :']

sidenote: you never have to apologize for sending me character analysis rambles! i always enjoy it :D

[sharksa-shivers]

Sharksty progression/Eras ig, idk how else to title lol

Here's a couple things with Kristy and Sharky that shows kind of how they slowly develop relationship wise over time (Cuz i wanna lol) ------------------ Beginning era; Kristy is terrified and untrustworthy of Sharky and Sharky's running out of patience at this point... (They both are lost in a wooded area so yeahhhhhh...) Kristy:(staring sus)…..Yeah, i dunno if i trust you with that…

Sharky:(tiredly staring, bored, blinks slowly, his face just reading he's insanely over everything)………Yknow what? Ok, fine, not my problem then. I'm adapted to survive in the wild, i know a good amount of shit. But if you wanna be an ass and keep treating me like dirt, then fine. See how well you can do on your own…(walking away)

(Kristy stands a moment as Sharky leaves her eyesight, Kristy just thinking as she sits there…And she slowly begins to freak out a bit as she's alone by herself in the wilderness, we see her start to get scared…)

Kristy:(getting scared, looking around, calling out to Sharky)…..Ok ok, i…Im really sorry, please don't leave me alone out here!!! Im gonna die on my own, i don't know shit!!!!

(She suddenly hears movement behind her as Sharky annoyedly moves out from behind a tree.)

Sharky:(moving over, towering over her, annoyed, muttering under his breath)……Ughhh, you're lucky I'm way too nice to actually ditch you… --------------------- Friendship era; They both warming up to each other lol (This one is probably earlier friendship honestly with how Sharky's being lol) (We see Sharky and Kristy waiting on Max while waiting on a bench in a train station of sorts. We see Kristy has a few little snack cakes she's bought and is casually eating while Sharky's just chilling and minding his own business. We see them both just chilling whenever…-)

Sharky:(completely in his own world, he's ripped out of it whenever his stomach gurgles loudly, getting Kristy's attention as well. He looks over and Kristy looks at him, Sharky getting a bit anxious)

Kristy:(a bit stunned by how loud that was)…Was that your stomach?

Sharky:(sighs, leaning back and pressing a hand to his lower body)Yeah, sorry…Guess i'm kinda hungry heh…Haven't had breakfast and haven't had lunch so…

Kristy:(she looks down at the few snack cakes she has…And decides to be generous, picking one up and handing it to him)Do you…Maybe want this?

Sharky:(looks over at the small snack cake Kristy's shoving at him)…Maybe but…I don't really wanna take your stuff yknow, i-

Kristy:(snickers a bit, smiles)Dude, it's fine…I don't want you being hungry and miserable. I'd rather ya eat a little something, take care of yourself. I know these aren't alot but…Hey, better then nothing right?

Sharky:(Smiles lightly back and decides to take the snack cake)Thanks, i appreciate it. (We see Sharky unwrap a bit of the snack cake and then proceed to take a bite out of it, him smiling a bit while eating)Yeah, this helps a bit…

Kristy:(still munching on her own, smiling)No problem, that's what friendos are for right? ------------ Romance era; Yeppppppp...Started from the bottom now we here lol...Some Sharksty comfort stuff but it's Kristy being comforted... (Basic context you need is that Kristy's had an absolutely hard and anxietyfilled, garbage bad day, like that's it. Kristy is outside on the main cabin steps, just trying to relax a bit whenever Sharky comes out, trying to make her feel a bit better…)

Sharky:(moving over quitely to not really disturb her, he moves over with a orange smoothie in hand, sitting down next to her to be eye level, gentle as he speaks, trying to be considerate with Kristy's space)Hey i…I know you're still wiped out from all the magic stuff earlier and i know it's not alot but…I made you a smoothie…Just…Like a little something for right now…

Kristy:(she looks over as Sharky talks and she looks over at the smoothie, grabbing it gently…We see Kristy hold it for a moment, just staring at it before we see her hands clench tightly around the drink and her face scrunch up some, tears starting to run down her face, quitely)…….Thank you…

Sharky:(noticing the tears, worried, gently holds her head in his hand)Whoa, you okay?

Kristy:(her expression shifts a bit to a more happy-ish sad, wiping her eyes with her sleeve, still clutching the drink, moves Sharky's hand and leans against him, tiredly but a sense of comfort being gained from the gesture, trying to word her emotions)I just……..I'm so damn lucky to have you in my life…

Sharky:(he wasn't really expecting that, moreso expecting Kristy to be upset, he blushes a bit before shaking it off and wrapping an arm around Kristy, caring and loving)Same heh…I'm glad i could help some…Even if it's not alot…

Kristy:(tiredly, still clutching the drink, happier but still drained)It's everything to me… -------------------------- Progress!!! It is good lol, character developments and whatnot. It's fun having arcs with characters because then you get like...more sides of them to mess with and whatnot yknow? These 2 mean so much to me, omfg... ;~;

[pinkspiraling]

tw nsfw (a little), ed, sh, suicide

(sorry lmao i’m not doing well just skip past)

nothing fucking helps anymore like i can’t really get drunk, i drink and drink and get tipsy but never fully drunk yk, i never forget i barely feel happy for 5 minutes and that’s it. i never sleep through the night anymore, i have anxious dreams and toss and turn. even orgasms aren’t the same at all, there’s no satisfaction it’s just disappointing and lonely. the only thing that makes me feel better for a second is food and theres SM food that i keep gaining weight and then i hate myself and i’m spending so much money on it but it’s like the only thing. i’m too lazy to sh, too lazy to get weed, almost too lazy to get alc although i end up forcing myself. even fic is mildly disappointing most of the time. i’m so lonely i’m so tired and i can’t get anything to fix it for a moment it’s so miserable all my ways of coping (even if they’re shitty) aren’t helping and i thought it was lexapro but ig not bc i’m off it it’s still that way. i can’t even cry i can’t even feel much other than wanting so badly to die and asking myself over and over when and how. this fucking sucks i’m over it, i don’t wanna keep doing this. maybe i will get weed tomorrow and maybe that can help for a while, i just feel like idk when this ends idk when this gets better

[just-some-random-blogger]

part TT 3 TT (HGHJJD i made it accidentally) for the cutie angel! i got back to karekare 'i was so confused why it was called that because tuwalya is towel ??' yes! i searched for it too and was so confused... glad you like it. 'do we even have ox in the ph?' HSHDJFJFJ good question. 'YOU SHOULD HAVE STRING BEANS' yeah yeah we do. i got a bit confused bc i know we have string beans but they dont look just like in your pic. but we do. but i still didnt know pechay.. 'PLS YOU HAVE EGGPLANTS IM SURE' ARE WE PLAYING SOME GUESS A VEGETABLE GAME?? TT 'banana blossoms' i never was good at biology but this... 'NOW WE BOTH LEARNED SOMETHING' are we classmates now? 'every day i get to eat karekare is a special day' awww cute TT idk if i have a special meal. 'i felt way better about them now that ive finished ranting about it' ooh im so glad im able to help you in some way. you can always tell me whatever you want! emotions need to be released. and woah uncle sam? ill remember it thanks... this kitty in the gif TT so vimpare-ish djdjsh. a cutie. im so sorry for your disappeared text. its good you shared this all in the next message, it was interesting to know about dream. 'our grades are so high standard. /: asians' yes... no there are lots of strict and demanding parents too but ig were just much worse as children... 'i love pluto lets talk about pluto' ooh i love astronomy!! plutos such a baby planet TT idk how they call it in english. im so mesmerized by space... its kinda scary but is so fascinating... i remember the first time i saw a constellation from my window i was stunned! amazed! so excited! it was the big dipper btw. violence sucks. 'tell me about your daemon fic now' hmhmhm dont know. i kinda feel like it might be a bit challenging for you? im not saying you cant do it but its kinds not your format. bc ig its rather long? and it requires more of 3rd person pov or daemos pov. i can continue teasing it fhsfh. it includes some angst and an inner conflict. ig its the main point even. but ok, write your sandman fics. 'hope you liked my daemon x niece fic' tbh daemon x niece isnt my thing in general. idk maybe i subconsciously associate it with daemyra. yes daemon x his twin is my guilty pleasure so what. but i still love the idea of making all big and arrogant men feel little and miserable. so yeah. and the ocs who can stand for themselves! yey! hope shell become queen ghjdjf. 'I dont mean to be that person' you have all the right to be this person. anger is ugly but a natural reaction to irritating events. hope you slept well ghdjfh. andand! i was so excited to see smn ask about part 3 of waiting for a lifetime TT noy only bc of your answer but also bc someone is interested! smn waits for it! i feel so proud. people are really sleeping on this masterpiece. hope itll get more love. and it still wont be enough to surpass the amount of love i have for this fic. no but... i was listening to a mockingbird by eminem and had an idea. imagine. daemon coming back home from flea bottom, drunk, hair disheveled and reeking of the cheap feminine perfumes. hes standing at the door and watching his wife stand by the window rocking his child, singing a lullaby about daddy being here and loving them wholeheartedly. and while they dont fight, he sees the betrayal in her scornful eyes. sorry, i couldnt help it. so! have a nice day/evening/night! take care! luv you <з

HI!!! this me in snow the moment i see snow

i got back to karekare 'i was so confused why it was called that because tuwalya is towel ??' yes! i searched for it too and was so confused... glad you like it.

HAHAHHAAHAH we truly are the same AHHAHAHHAH

'do we even have ox in the ph?' HSHDJFJFJ good question.

AHHAHAHAHAHAHAAHA i mean we have carabao so ??? but according to the net its a water buffalo HAAHH

'YOU SHOULD HAVE STRING BEANS' yeah yeah we do. i got a bit confused bc i know we have string beans but they dont look just like in your pic. but we do. but i still didnt know pechay..

ah that makes sense for our veggies to be different. dw i already foresaw you not having pechay HAHAH

'PLS YOU HAVE EGGPLANTS IM SURE' ARE WE PLAYING SOME GUESS A VEGETABLE GAME?? TT

WELL NO BUT YOU DIDNT ANSWER THE QUESTION DO YOU HAVE EGGPLANTS ❓❓❓❓❓❓❓

'banana blossoms' i never was good at biology but this...

same AHHAHHAH but my grandma's sister who's dead now RIP lola (filipino for grandma) she used to be a science teacher i think she was a biologist and our house (which is the house she and my grandma lives in) has so many specimens like seashells sea horses butterflies lizards lol we threw them all out because well its been in the house for 20+ years T_T im sure some of them are older than me T_T so yeah

'NOW WE BOTH LEARNED SOMETHING' are we classmates now?

classmates in life

'every day i get to eat karekare is a special day' awww cute TT idk if i have a special meal.

nom nom every meal is special! karekare is just ultra mega special to me dammit now im hungry T_T

'i felt way better about them now that ive finished ranting about it' ooh im so glad im able to help you in some way. you can always tell me whatever you want! emotions need to be released.

<3 thank you. youre so right emotions need to be released. here's a kind of embarrassing story. i used to have a crush on my philosophy teacher T_T HAHAHAHA he was quite close to our age, he was a fresh graduate and idk T_T its cringey now that i think about it but he had this thing about him and i in fact HATED HIM whereas my classmates were like omg sirs so hot i love him T_T and the more i talked about how i hated him my classmates were like omg hannah you like him and i was like ??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????? YUCK NO so then ... when i realized i liked him but refused to tell anyone i bottled it up and liked him more and more and i fucking wrote poetry about him because it was the only way i could get it out of my system and the day i admitted i liked him it slowly went away and i was like DAMN I SHUDDA JUST STARTED WITH THAT

end scene

and woah uncle sam? ill remember it thanks...

HAHAHAH UR WELCOME HAHAHAH

this kitty in the gif TT so vimpare-ish djdjsh. a cutie.

<3 i love cats <3

im so sorry for your disappeared text. its good you shared this all in the next message, it was interesting to know about dream.

WHY ARE YOU APOLOGIZING ARE YOU TUMBLR /: if you are yuck unfriend HAHAH JK I LOVE TUMBLR <3 and anyway i did this because i love you <3

'our grades are so high standard. /: asians' yes... no there are lots of strict and demanding parents too but ig were just much worse as children...

T_T #breakgenerationaltrauma

'i love pluto lets talk about pluto' ooh i love astronomy!! plutos such a baby planet TT

IM LUV PLUTO T_T T_T #FOREVERMY9THPLANET random thing i remembered. theres this show called blues clues idk if you know it but its my fav show ever T_T and they had this free pc cd game from a cereal box (WHICH THEY DONT DO ANYMORE PLS THAT SO L CEREAL MANUFACTURERS GET BACK IN YOUR GAME) and it was there that i think i started my love for the heavenly bodies because in the game you'd go to a treehouse and talk to like cartoons of planets T_T

and i remember learning that mars had 2 moons msladashlhalhew AND MY POOR MIND WAS BROKEN T_T like on a real level i was so frustrated with this knowledge because i thought well, earth has one moon and we have one night, so since mars had 2 moons... they have two nights T_T AND I WAS TRYING SO HARD TO FIGURED IT OUT I DONT REMEMBER BUT maybe i cried T_T because i couldnt figure it out. im so happy they didnt add the other planets moons or that like jupiter had 9999999999+ moons cos my baby brain would have exploded.

this also reminds me of this time i either was coloring or i read a post which was like you cant think of a color that doesnt exist and then i tried and this i remember vividly crying because T_T I WAS SO FRUSTRATED and then i was like PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER HANNAH #1 UR NOT GOD #2 YOU DONT HAVE TO INVENT A NEW COLOR and then all of a sudden i was fine hallelujah

idk how they call it in english. im so mesmerized by space... its kinda scary but is so fascinating... i remember the first time i saw a constellation from my window i was stunned! amazed! so excited! it was the big dipper btw.

?YOU CAN MAKE OUT THE CONSTELLATIONS!!!?? ?? wow i cannot theyre all just... dots in the sky. i remember i had this dream where i went up to a high building and then i could see the stars eye level and could finally make out the constellations and then when i woke up i was like YAY I FINALLY wait... thats not how that works T_T

violence sucks.

REAL

'tell me about your daemon fic now' hmhmhm dont know. i kinda feel like it might be a bit challenging for you? im not saying you cant do it but its kinds not your format. bc ig its rather long? and it requires more of 3rd person pov or daemos pov.

I LOVE A CHALLENGE AHHAHAHAH i dont mind writing in different perspectives

i can continue teasing it fhsfh. it includes some angst and an inner conflict. ig its the main point even. but ok, write your sandman fics.

DAMN YOU WONT TELL ME /: ok then ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ sandman fics it is

'hope you liked my daemon x niece fic' tbh daemon x niece isnt my thing in general. idk maybe i subconsciously associate it with daemyra. yes daemon x his twin is my guilty pleasure so what.

T_T HIS TWIN T_T thats fine you can like them or not valid either way it think only cos targaryens

but i still love the idea of making all big and arrogant men feel little and miserable. so yeah. and the ocs who can stand for themselves! yey! hope shell become queen ghjdjf.

i mean she's the younger sister no HOLLUP NOW I GOTTA CHECK well apparently the req never specified if she was younger or older but idk i imaged her to be younger so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

'I dont mean to be that person' you have all the right to be this person. anger is ugly but a natural reaction to irritating events. hope you slept well ghdjfh. andand!

i did sleep well i think. i was mostly tired not so much angry when i typed this

i was so excited to see smn ask about part 3 of waiting for a lifetime TT noy only bc of your answer but also bc someone is interested! smn waits for it! i feel so proud.

AW THANK YOU BABY <3 i was excited to see the ask too!!!

people are really sleeping on this masterpiece. hope itll get more love. and it still wont be enough to surpass the amount of love i have for this fic.

that means the world <3

no but... i was listening to a mockingbird by eminem and had an idea. imagine. daemon coming back home from flea bottom, drunk, hair disheveled and reeking of the cheap feminine perfumes. hes standing at the door and watching his wife stand by the window rocking his child, singing a lullaby about daddy being here and loving them wholeheartedly. and while they dont fight, he sees the betrayal in her scornful eyes.

T_T WAHHHHHHHHHHHHH I ACTUALLY SAW THIS AS I WAS SCROLLING UP TO THE TOP AND GAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH I WANT TO WRITE IT I WANT TO WRITE IT im going to write it im adding it to my queue HAHAHHAAH ACTUALLY FUCK THAT IM WRITING IT RN ok no icant i want to write dream fic ANYWAY F:LHASHFLSA I WANT TO WRITE IT

sorry, i couldnt help it.

T_T BAD INFLUENCE BUT ALSO BRILLIANT MIND

so! have a nice day/evening/night! take care! luv you <з

im luv u so much my love love love love

xxx

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

TW a vent maybe? Maybe abuse definitely messy family shit

I feel like my family is abusive. Which is. Weird ig, because it's not physical. The most "physical" it's ever been was lol when I was little and got my mouth washed out with soap all the time for sticking out my tongue. Nothing violent ever happened. Its just words. Words that don't count bc we're "family". Nothing ever matters when it happens to me tho. It's always just something I need to handle by myself. I have to " stop being so sensitive" or "stop fighting back" or "learn to be quiet"... It doesn't count bc it's my siblings or its my parents...that's shit you're supposed to work out on your own. Everyone has family issues so I figure everyone else must be this miserable too.

But I get so tired. I figure ok I'm not made for this life, yknow? I'm too sensitive, so its on me. But I don't like being constantly put down, I don't like it when I voice a boundary and instead of people listeningz they think "oh shoot a new way to hurt this person's feelings! Yay" and not only do they get encouraged for that but I get in trouble for being upset. I don't like being bullied by siblings or by my dad and I don't like how I'm a nuisance to my mom if I complain or fight back when they do it but I'm also nothing more to her than someone to vent to. I don't like that I'm the black sheep of the family. I don't like that I keep getting told that if I'm the only one upset or the only one really hurt, then what happened didn't matter. Bc it's a "majority rules" house and I've never been part of the majority. I feel like I've never been home and I'm so sick of wishing I could be. I don't want to call what I'm going through abusive bc 1. That's scary and 2. I could be wrong and just be another kid getting up in arms over shit that doesn't really matter bc it happens to everyone. Even though I don't even believe kids like that are really running around all the time lol and I'm also an adult. So. Yeah. But I really, really wish someone would just toss me some advice or tell me I'm not just a fucking wimp or say "what's happening is fucked"-I want someone to say " that isn't normal" or SOMETHING. I want help. I want someone to give af. I wanna hear that I'm in a bad situation and someday, Ill find a home. I don't know how to explain it but I just want whatever anyone can offer. If you just post this as a vent and nothing else, that's fine too, I guess I'm just grasping at straws and I'll take anything at this point

-Luci

Hi Luci,

I'm sorry about what you've been through. You don't deserve to go through this. You're right that these things aren't normal.

While I know that a lot of people have experienced soap in the mouth as punishment, it's actually not okay and there are better ways to discipline. Plus, it sounds like unusually cruel punishment for just sticking out your tongue.

Please remember that abuse doesn't have to be physical to be valid, and it doesn't have to be physical to be violent either. Also please remember that abusers are more likely to be people you know, such as family, so being family isn't really an excuse for doing hurtful and traumatizing things. Verbal and emotional abuse are real, and it can absolutely happen within families.

I know you've been told a lot that you're too sensitive and such, but you're really reacting in an expected way because it's expected to cry out if you're hurt. I feel like someone who says "you're too sensitive" is only trying to be hurtful, because they should be more mindful of how that may affect you.

As far as calling it abusive, it's completely up to you how you label or describe your experiences, but it may be helpful to imagine it in a different way. Let's say I'm living in a house with some housemates, and they tell me to stop fighting back, that I'm too sensitive, and to learn to be quiet. They constantly say degrading things to me and violate my boundaries, and they justify it because we're friends. I'm always the scapegoat and when we have meetings they all vote for things I don't agree on. Is this abusive? The answer may be clearer to you. Ultimately, it isn't right. Whether or not you want to call it abusive is completely up to you.

I hope that you can reach a place soon where you could maybe limit some contact with them so they can not only potentially realize the gravity of their actions but you can improve your mental health. I hope I could help, and please let us know if you need anything.

-Bun