#sometimes it’s just emotional flashbacks (which are bad enough)

[briar--rising]

Gotta love those trauma anniversary week flashbacks 🙃

[badolmen]

So funny how trauma will just kick you in the fucking teeth with the most random triggers.

[furiousgoldfish]

A common struggle of cptsd is having what we think are 'exaggerated reactions', or 'overreactions' to things; we believe that we should be able to stay calm, collected, peaceful, pleasant and well behaved in any situations. Our common responses of intense anxiety, anger, panic, shock, pain and grief, at situations that other people are able to respond to with minimal emotion, are a source of shame for us. We feel like we don't have it under control enough, we feel like a failure for not being able to stay collected, for having these big embarassing spill of emotions that sometimes stop us from functioning completely.

It feels like it's us who is wrong, if other people are able to have 'rational' and 'appropriate' responses to things, and we don't, it has to be an 'us' problem.

But then we sometimes see people reacting in an unsual or intense way to various things, and we think nothing of it, right? If someone responds with intense laughter or tears or panic at something that might not seem that big of a deal, we don't immediately think it's innapropriate or shameful. We consider that everyone is different, and reacts to things differently. And maybe that person had something happen to them that would cause a reaction like this, maybe they have a specific reason for how they react. And in most cases, we find it normal to accept their reaction and comfort them if necessary.

Sometimes we'll even rationalize or tolerate actually harmful reactions, like people reacting with rage or violence to issues that don't require that kind of response. We take their aggression as just a great intensity of wanting something to go their way, and we dare not criticize or shame it, we understand in that case, that people can't help wanting something, and that it's natural for them to fight for it.

So why is it so shameful and mortifying for us to have reactions of panic and pain, which essentially, are not harming anyone? Because we've been shamed for reacting in any way that inconveniences anyone, and we're used to comparing ourselves to what we believe are 'normal' people, and judging ourselves harshly if we come out short.

I don't think I've felt ashamed or mortified for any reaction I had to anything, until I was getting shamed and punished for it. People in general, don't question their reaction because they have no reason to, they trust their own judgment and their own emotions, if they naturally react badly to something, it's a bad thing, and thats that. But we are often punished and made to question our own reactions, often to cover up the abuse we reacted to. We were made to develop a deep sense of shame for having a bad reaction to abuse, so that another person might abuse us all they wanted, and we would only be able to look down, feel bad, and blame ourselves.

I want to argue that our reactions are appropriate and rational, considering what happened to us. Let's take a simple example: if a dog bites a person, and that person becomes infected, or very ill, or close to death as a consequence of it, this person will naturally become scared of dogs, right? And nobody will judge them or consider their bad reaction to dogs innapropriate. If something almost kills you, you will react badly do it. It's an appropriate reaction considering what had happened.

In that same way, if we suffered continual abuse, that constantly reminded us that we're worthless, incapable of anything, unable to live on our own, cannot be loved, cannot be redeemed, intrinsically evil, and this abuse brought on struggles with anxiety, depression, cptsd, suicidal feelings, it cost us years of our life that we spent in pain and shame, then yes, everything that reminds us of that abuse, everything that causes an emotional flashback or that same feeling of shame, will have an extreme reaction! It would be unnatural if it didn't.

And today's world is filled with disapproval, judgment, shaming, and even vitriol that is used to control others. Even gaslighting is starting to become common. Every dirty look, change of tone in someone's voice, burst of anger, pointing out our flaws, lashing out on us, showing less than perfect satisfaction, all of that is likely to be triggering to a person who's been trough abuse. We would not have been sensitive to it, if it hadn't almost killed us. Our reactions are appropriate, considering what had happened to us.

Even if the rest of the world is hell bent on judging you for having extreme reactions, you don't have to judge yourself. You know that your reactions are there because of what happened to you, because you need to be protected from this. You're not over-reacting, you're reacting in the only way anyone in your circumstances would. If people fail to see or understand the circumstance, that's their problem. You are not here to carry the shame of the world's ignorance.

[flowercrowngods]

yearning hours (b-side) — in which being in love can feel like the greatest tragedy of all until you learn that you’re not alone (or: bravery, despite everything)

🤍 also on ao3

Steve comes to the quarry when he needs to think. He comes to the quarry when he needs to not think. When he needs to feel this rush of adrenaline that feels so much like monsters are real and the world has turned upside down. Except he isn’t going to die here, sitting on the cold ground, legs dangling over the abyss.

He’s not going to die, but life stops for a moment all the same. 

And Steve relearns how to breathe. How to think. How to not think. While the darkness below him swallows it all. The pale light of the moon is not enough to reach the ground hundreds of feet below, or to chase away the complete and total darkness that meets his eyes when he looks down there. 

It’s all-encompassing, this darkness, the vastness of it; Steve sometimes feels like he becomes part of it. Just for an hour or two. Just for the night. 

The cold air that hits his face makes him shiver for a second, and reminds him that he used to think the darkness at the bottom of the quarry had a life of its own. Hell, maybe it does. With what they’ve seen, what they’ve fought, who’s to say there’s nothing down there? Maybe that’s what draws him here so often. 

Does the living darkness know his secrets like the darkness in his room does? Does it listen to him, does it care? They’re stupid questions, Steve knows. But they carry a hopefulness he wants to preserve. Something that survived the Upside Down, that survives the nightmares and the flashbacks and the post-traumatic stress, as Hopper and Owens call it. 

There’s something primal about sitting on the edge of such vastness, so much so that it makes his heart beat faster, his breath come shallower, like he is just a second away from falling. Like he has to savour this; this second, this moment, this life, because beyond it, around it, below it, there is only darkness. 

He takes a deep, shuddering breath and lets it all out until his lungs ache. The silence is absolute. He feels like the only person on the planet — but not in the bad, painful way that’s been hiding in the back of his mind for as long as he can remember. 

If he only breathes like this for a while longer, lets the feeling settle, lets the thoughts come and bring emotions with them, he knows that soon the tears will fall.

Tears, because he shouldn’t have to sit at the edge of the quarry in the dark of night just to be able to feel. Tears, because he forgot how to be a boy, how to be a person, about three years ago. Almost to the day. Tears, because they all did; but he’s Steve. He can’t let them see. Wouldn’t know how even if he wanted to. 

And tears, tonight, because just hours earlier, Eddie fell asleep while Steve made dinner. His arms were curled around the pillow Steve had leaned against all afternoon, and Steve just stood there in the doorway to Eddie’s room, the smell of fresh pasta mixing with that of leather, paperback books, tobacco and laundry detergent that is so purely and wonderfully Eddie that Steve just wants to catch it in a mason jar and open it whenever he needs a dose. 

Eddie had fallen asleep, and all Steve could do was look at him. Smile on his lips, ache in his heart that only grew in ferocity until all he could do was leave. Because friends don’t watch their friends sleep. Not like this. Not with their hands twitching by their sides, curled into fists to stop them from reaching out and trailing over soft, warm skin. Friends don’t… They don’t. 

So Steve left, pasta untouched. Heart unravelled. Words unspoken. 

He left and sped off until he reached the quarry, a safe place to piece himself back together again — but he doesn’t have the heart to leave out Eddie. So every time he comes here and puts the pieces of himself back together, he puts Eddie in the centre. He always does. It’s what keeps getting him in this mess. 

But it’s still the closest he’ll get to bravery after the Upside Down; admitting, if only to himself, that he likes a boy. Allowing himself to cry about it. To breathe in and breathe out and have the truth unchanged, unchallenged, undoubted.

He’s still breathing when the all-encompassing silence is interrupted, joined by the unmistakeable sound of tires on gravel. Seconds later, headlights illuminate the night, his arms, the edge of the quarry, but still not reaching beyond that. The car comes to a stop but Steve still doesn’t move, doesn’t turn around, just hopes that whoever it is will just leave him alone. 

Lights go out, the engine is killed, followed by the sound of a car door opening and being closed far too gently. 

Steve isn’t too surprised when steps approach him slowly, nor when they come to a stop beside him, chasing away some of the cold that’s been resting over him like a blanket.

Instinctively, he knows it’s Eddie. He just doesn’t know why. 

“How’d you know I’m here?” he asks into the void, still unmoving. 

“Just knew,” comes the reply, and it sounds so soft, so gentle, so understanding that Steve fears he might fall apart and have to rebuild himself once more. Twice in one night. Wouldn’t be the first time. Won’t be the last. “Why’d you leave?” 

Because otherwise I’d have crossed the distance and fallen to my knees, brushed a kiss to your forehead and told you dinner was ready. Because otherwise I’d have slid down the doorframe and watched over you, watched you, and the firework of a person that you are even in your sleep. I’d have fallen in love and I’d have fallen, fallen, fallen. So I needed to go where falling is not an option. 

Instead of saying any of that, Steve only shrugs. “Just did.” 

It’s lame and unfair, he knows, but talking to the darkness is so much easier when there’s not an audience, and Eddie just… he can’t know. Any of that. 

“Can I join you?” Eddie asks then, and Steve can hear it in his voice that he would leave if Steve said no. 

Maybe that’s why he doesn’t; just nods and scoots to the side a bit even though there’s enough room for Eddie to sit just anywhere. 

But he doesn’t sit just anywhere, no. He sits down rather clumsily — for which Steve can’t blame him, it is a little scary in the dark, and one wrong move could be your very last — and ends up with his arm and shoulder pressed to Steve‘s, their legs so close he can feel Eddie‘s warmth through the denim.

It’s too much. It’s not enough. It’s dangerous, so close to falling, and Steve scoots to the side, breaking contact. Breathing carefully.

Eddie‘s eyes are on him, he can feel it. He doesn’t react. It hurts, his entire body aches with how close he wants to be. But it’s too much, even for himself to bear. Putting all that on Eddie would be enough to take them both down to the bottom of the quarry, and lower still.

So he swallows. All the words he cannot say, all the thoughts that lump together and clog his throat.

“Are you okay, Stevie?” Eddie asks, and Steve just shrugs again.

“Sure.”

“Right,” Eddie whispers, then sighs. It’s not a heavy sigh or a judgmental one, but it makes Steve flinch all the same.

Too much. Too fucking much even unknown.

Silence falls over them, the quarry working its magic — or its curse — even on Eddie Munson. Steve wonders if it suffocates or liberates him, but he doesn’t dare to ask. It would take too much explaining for the question to make sense, too much revealing himself, too much of… Just too much.

He wants to ask. To say something. To scoot back over again, closer to Eddie, and lay his head on his shoulder, bask in his warmth and withstand the magic, the curse, the darkness.

Withstand it, because that’s what Eddie does. He is brave, despite everything.

And Steve is just the boy who sits with darkness at night because he doesn’t know how to be brave anymore, not when there’s no question of life or death. He forgot all about everyday-bravery.

But Eddie didn’t. He’s still there, still smiling and laughing and teasing his way through life and into Steve’s heart and soul.

And Steve doesn’t know what to do with it. Doesn’t know what he can do with it. Doesn’t know how to ask.

It’s no surprise, then, that it’s Eddie who does.

“What are we doing, Steve?” He sounds a bit resigned about it, and it makes Steve hide away in himself even more, focusing on the darkness beneath him rather than the light beside him — they both leave him blinded at equal measure, but one of them doesn’t ask him questions to which he doesn’t know the answer.

“What do you mean?” he asks after a while, his voice a little off. He doesn’t know what he’s feeling. Apprehension, maybe. Caught. Uncovered. Exposed.

Beside him, Eddie sighs again, just a little bit, but Steve has always hated that he keeps making people sigh. Makes him feel so fucking small, so incredibly useless.

He raises one leg from the abyss to rest his chin on his knee, because suddenly he feels so heavy that he needs the physical reminder that he’s not about to fall. One foot on the ground. Steady, secure, a great illusion for now.

“Sorry,” he whispers at last, because Eddie hasn’t said anything, has only sighed and created a silence that’s so loud it can probably be heard at the bottom of the quarry, and Steve feels like the silence is his fault this time.

“What for?”

“Dunno,�� he confesses, lies, concedes as his house of cards begins to crumble for some reason. The heaviness wanders from his throat down to his heart and settles there, making a home for itself, casting out all the lightness that usually comes when he’s around Eddie.

But it seems he’s reached his breaking point. It seems he can only pretend to be okay for so long, pretend not to yearn and ache and long for intimacy and tenderness. It seems he can only put himself together again, rebuilding himself around Eddie at his centre, until it would break apart for good. Burst out of his heart, dismantle him piece by broken piece until all that’s left is a broken boy, yearning.

And so he can’t stop the tears even if he wanted to. They’re kind in their silence, streaming down his face without demand for sobs or sniffles. Just breaking free, a simple displacement reaction. Following the physics of emotions.

“Hey,” Eddie whispers, reaching out to wrap an arm around Steve’s shoulders, pulling him into his side. There’s that warmth, that touch, that gentleness he’s been craving — and there’s that sob he’s been suppressing. “Hey, Stevie, it’s okay. You’re okay. You can talk to me, you know that, right?”

He shakes his head into the warmth of Eddie’s neck, wiping dejectedly at his tears.

“No?”

“No,” he whines, sighs, groans, annoyed with himself.

“Don’t want to? Or can’t?”

Both. Neither. All at once.

He shrugs again, still leaning against Eddie.

Eddie, who turns his head slightly and brushes his lips over Steve’s hair in what can only be described as a kiss. Except, it can’t. It couldn’t. It isn’t.

Steve begins to shiver against him — maybe he’s cold, maybe he’s overwhelmed, maybe he’s both and neither and everything all at once.

“I’ve got you, Stevie.”

And then Eddie kisses his head again, and he stills.

“You can’t kiss me, Eddie,” he says, voice still thick, but steadier this time. No more sobbing, no more whining. Just a broken boy, yearning. Always, always that.

Eddie freezes where he’s holding Steve, only his arm still moves in soothing, rubbing motions — warming him, holding him, saving him. Always, always that.

“Sorry,” Eddie says this time. Except it’s wrong. It’s so wrong, and Steve leans back to look at him. It’s impossible to make out his expression in the darkness, but he tries nonetheless.

“Don’t be sorry,” he whispers. “Just…” He gestures vaguely, not quite sure what the just entails. Just mean it. Just do it right. Just don’t do it out of pity. Just leave me alone until I’m over you even though we both know I never really will be.

“Just?”

Steve shrugs. Whispers, “I don’t know.”

“Don’t hide, Stevie.” Be brave, Stevie. Be brave like me.

God, how he wishes. How he longs. How he aches.

“You don’t have to hide, not from me.”

Steve huffs and says, before he can stop himself, “Especially from you.”

Eddie pauses and Steve freaks out a little bit, even before Eddie asks, “Why?” He sounds wounded. Small. He shouldn’t sound like that. Never.

“Because you’re gonna see otherwise.”

“See what?”

That I’m completely and utterly in love with you. Besotted. Enamoured. All the big words you like to make fun of. All of them and more.

“Me.”

There’s a beat where nothing happens. Maybe time stops, maybe reality resets itself, settling in more comfortably in anticipation of vulnerability’s fallout.

And then Eddie takes his hands, reaching for them in the darkness and finding them with ease. Like he’s done it many times before. Because he has. Just never like this.

“Steve,” he begins, and Steve wants to run again. To hide, to confess to another void, and make Eddie forget this conversation ever happened. “I think I already do.”

What? No. No, you can’t.

When Steve doesn’t respond, Eddie continues, seemingly gathering himself and his thoughts as he goes. Always so much stronger, so much braver than Steve.

“I already do see you. The way you smile at me, light up the whole room with it. The way you hug me, always a little too long, but never long enough if you ask me. I see you blushing, I see you going out of your way for me, and… And I think, if you knew how to look, you’d see the same in me. Because, uh. Because I like seeing you. And I like… I like you. Not in a friends kinda way. In a way where I wanna sit beside you all night and talk about deep shit, but I wanna run my fingers through your hair when we do. I wanna play with your fingers when we do. I wanna kiss you when we do, because there’s deep, heavy, traumatic shit everywhere, but there’s also you. And I don’t want one without the other. I want you. In that exact way that I see you looking at me, wanting me, too.”

Eddie swallows, a little breathless beside him like Steve’s not choking on emotion himself.

“Tell me I’m wrong,” Eddie whispers then, pressing and desperate and knowing. “Tell me you don’t like me in a way you think you shouldn’t. Tell me I don’t see you.”

He shakes his head, slowly, frantically. “I can’t.”

“Because it’s true?”

Steve’s nodding now, just as frantic, leaving him disoriented and falling, only anchored to Eddie who’s still holding his hands.

“Yeah,” Steve gasps, rasps, whispers. “It… I’m. I don’t.” It’s he who swallows heavily now, needing a second or an eternity to process Eddie’s words. “You really mean that?”

Eddie nods. He can feel it, somehow.

“I don’t know what has you so scared,” Eddie begins. “Except the obvious, of course, but I feel like that’s only a small chunk of it. But you gotta believe me when I say that I mean it. I like you. So much it makes me stupid sometimes.”

Steve huffs, but it’s a smile this time. A real one. Tinged with sadness and heaviness and disbelief still, but a real one nonetheless.

“I wanna tell you. All of that. Everything, in my own words. And I will, but… Eddie, I’m—“ Steve starts with a quivering voice but shuts himself up before he can ruin this.

I’m broken. I’m not sure if I can let you. I’m just Steve. I’m bullshit. I’m…

“I’m tired.”

It has a double meaning, here at the quarry — but he doesn’t mean it like that. He wouldn’t. He couldn’t. He won’t.

“Can you just hold me?” It is perhaps the closest to bravery he’s going to get. Tonight, or always. But it’s enough. It can be enough.

Eddie hums and Steve can hear the smile, can feel how some of the heaviness inside him dissipates with it.

“Of course, sweetheart.”

Steve shivers again as he shifts, lying back so it’s only his legs, bent at the knee, that dangle over the abyss now. Eddie joins him, wrapping his arms around Steve’s middle and rearranging them so Steve rests half on top of him. It can’t be comfortable, but Steve doesn’t mention it.

They lie there in silence, and Steve allows himself to let go of the tension in his bones as he feels Eddie’s hands travelling across his back in a tender caress. He doesn’t quite believe it’s real, doesn’t believe he’ll get to keep it beyond this moment, and can’t quite savour it the way he wants to because surely he will lose this, too. Surely Eddie will realise and come to his senses and—

“Do you really mean it?”

“Yeah,” Eddie says, leaning up slightly to brush his lips over Steve’s temple. “Yeah, Stevie. I really, really mean it.” And then, after a while, “Will you come back home now?”

Back home. Home to Eddie and Wayne. Home, because Eddie cares and wants and bravely, bravely asks.

“Yeah,” Steve says.

Another kiss to his forehead. “And will you stay?”

It is Steve now who leans up, hovering above Eddie to meet his eyes through the dark. “I will. I do.” And then he slowly, carefully captures Eddie’s lips with his own, sealing the promise and receiving one in return.

Kissing Eddie is a lot like falling, he realises. But there are arms wrapped around him, holding him, never wanting to let him go — so maybe it isn’t falling after all. Maybe it’s flying.

At home in his bed, Eddie holds him some more, running fingers through his hair long after Steve has fallen asleep.

They’ll make it work.

[shall-we-die]

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{Nightmares}

How often do they have them? || What are they about? How do they deal with it?

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↬[Fandom]•⊰ {Bungo Stray Dogs}࿐

↬[Warnings]•⊰ {Angst}࿐

☰[Main list]•⊰ ────┈┈{0063}┈─╮

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╰┈➤Likes/Reblogs are appreciated࿐

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↬|Atsushi|

Atsushi is plagued by frequent nightmares and occasional flashbacks related to his traumatic past in the orphanage, particularly about the cruel headmaster. He struggles to deal with these nightmares and the memories, often waking up in a cold sweat and feeling shaken. As a way to cope, Atsushi turns to writing in his journal as a way to process his emotions and experiences. Additionally, he finds solace in talking to his friends, and specially you. He can talk about anything when you're by his side.

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↬|Dazai|

Dazai has nightmares all the time, sometimes more severe, sometimes less. He is traumatized by his past, which causes him to have frequent nightmares. He copes with it by listening to classical music to calm his heart and soul. He also takes relaxing baths and drinks some tea. Or he goes for a walk at night. Sometimes, he can't handle it all alone, and he came to you in the middle of the night to comfort him.

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↬|Akutagawa|

Akutagawa suffers from nightmares and night terrors. Despite his usual cold demeanor, he is often kept awakened at night from the painful memories of his past. His usual method of calming himself down after waking up from a nightmare is to make a cup of tea or read a book, anything for him to forget his past traumas...

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↬|Chuuya|

Chuuya doesn't have nightmares often, perhaps a few times every few weeks or so. He tries to ignore them. When he's having nightmares, he will take a bottle of wine and get drunk until sunrise. He's too stubborn to ask other people for help, so he will probably try to deal with it by himself. (It's a lie, he likes it when you hug him and comfort him.) Also he rarely sleeps, which further contributes to why he doesn't have nightmares as often as other people might.

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↬|Tetchou|

Tetchou sometimes experiences nightmares related to his past traumas and regrets, especially concerning the death of a fellow Hunting Dog. Tetchou often wakes up in a sweat, breathing heavily, from these nightmares. To deal with the nightmares, Tetchou will often try his best to wake up and distract himself from the traumatic memories by taking a walk, training, or just simply trying to clear his mind.

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↬|Jouno|

At least two times or so a week. Sometimes, they'll occur more often depending on how much stress he goes through throughout the day. I mean... They're not scary just, annoying. He just hear annoying sounds all the time. Jouno will often wake up in a cold sweat, jolting himself awake at the annoying sound that played in his subconscious. While he remains mostly unfazed, he is aware it's taking a toll on his mental health and his sleeping schedule. The only way to get past it is to try to fall back asleep.

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↬|Fyodor|

Fyodor has nightmares quite often. They're usually always regarding his childhood, past traumas, him doing a sin, getting his revenge and similar. To deal with his nightmares, Fyodor usually locks himself in his room and quietly plays his cello to calm himself down. When his nightmares get too bad he usually turns to drinking and drinking until he's drunk enough to forget what he saw in his dreams.

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↬|Nikolai|

Nikolai has nightmares quite often, as he is the type of person to overthink and has a lot of issues about things. So he often experiences a lot of nightmares about past incidents. Nikolai does not like to talk about his feelings, so he deals with his nightmares by laughing it off. Whenever he has nightmares, he'll get out of his bed and will perform a small dance or juggle knives to try and calm himself down.

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↬|Sigma|

Has nightmares every couple of weeks. Usually sits up, awake in bed while clutching a pillow as hard as he can while waiting for the nightmare to pass. Sometimes goes to his s/o's room to seek comfort after waking up from a particularly bad nightmare. The next day, always has black circles under his eyes, and is grumpy and more quiet than usual.

||[🄽ightmares]||

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[ennn]

The kiss did kill Agatha but it was because she made it happen. "That's cute, but you know that [absorbing Rio's powers] would kill me" they had that line for a reason and having the line again on the previously on was to remind the audience of that. So a normal agathario kiss wouldn't cause death, but Agatha actually absorbing Rio's powers while kissing definitely would.

That being said, I agree with all the things you highlighted that you liked. May I ask which things you would've done different or didn't love as much, maybe?

Also, from the most neutral point of view, do you think Agatha still loves Rio? Did she ever?

I agree with that read! Note: this also means Rio would have needed to let her magic go into Agatha. Agatha can only take when blasted with magic, not by touching people, so Rio was aware she was killing her but it was Agatha's choice to take it on the mouth

Ooh good questions, time to play editor / script doctor for a bit. This is probably going to be long... and can be negative so I'm keeping it under a cut.

Things I did not love / would have done differently — not comprehensive — just off the top of my head:

For the love of god use a different ghost SFX. I hate the current one with the fire of 10,000 suns. It makes it hard to see the actor's performance, their outfit, and it messes with their body language as well. Outside the fantastical reality of the Road, it's too distracting.

Burn that white-grey wig for ghost!Agatha. Between this and the SFX I was struggling to focus on the scenes and their pathos. I think Episode 5 wasn't so bad because Evanora didn't really do much except float around in a smock and say some mean lines but Agatha's moving around, talking a lot, and trying to land some emotional beats.

The whole showdown in the garden feels weird to me, and I think you can tell that they only Aubrey Plaza for a limited time: she barely seems to be in the same frame except for the kiss? I suspect that's why we have shots focused on Billy hitting the greenhouse, Death on the house, and a very very short magical fight. You also don't get proper reactions from Rio on what could have been a couple of revealing beats like when Agatha initially offers Billy up and walks away.

The big one: I'm not convinced Agatha had a proper arc here. If it was planned I don't think it landed for me. You get a hint of Agatha making some peace with how death just happens at the end of the earth trial: "Sometimes boys die" – beautiful moment -– but it doesn't seem to follow through? Yes, she ultimately makes a choice that allows Rio to continue pursuing her (because Rio would have kept her word if Agatha handed Billy over). But coming to terms with her grief and Nicky's death? Has she forgiven Rio? Has she forgiven herself? It feels unresolved to me imho.

Agatha being protective of Billy is... some development I guess but she was already instinctively protective of him in like Episode 3, and by then she already knew he wasn't Nicky. I needed more growth from Agatha, I think?

I'm not sure about the whole mental messaging power of Billy's. Is it supposed to imply he's also reading Agatha's mind? Did he not say it out loud because then we'd have to get a reaction from Rio and Plaza isn't available?

Cast a younger kid for Nicky lol. I know there are production limitations but to me that kid looks too old for a 6-7 year old. Is it just me? I don't usually hang out with kids.

Streamline the flashbacks with Agatha and Nicky. We get it: she loves him, it's their song, he's not a fan of the murdering, he dies. I'd fit in a scene (it can be a short one) to underline how Rio did care about Nicky (she visits him?) and show Agatha having conflicting feelings about loving but fearing Death.

In an ideal world, not have Billy in his superhero outfit because that should have had some build-up for a reveal. I know it's Marvel and they need to sell merch and stuff but there really was enough stuff going on and how the hell did Billy get that suit anyway? The crown I can overlook but the rest is weird to me. --

For your last question about Agatha loving Rio I'll tackle it in another Anon Ask coming up that's similar!

[autumn0689]

Lester Papadopoulos is a comfort character to me. I’ve been a huge Percy Jackson fan for years now, and I’ve loved many characters (Grover, Nico, Leo, Percy, etc) and when I first read TOA I loved it, but after rereading it…

I fell in love with Lester, this caring and complex character who had many layers to him, that came off as selfish, and yet just so happened to be one of the most selfless characters in the book.

He’s caring, he’s a former god, he’s selfless, he pees himself regularly, he loves his children, he drowned his ex that one time, he is a god of many things, he has had many lovers. He has so many aspects to him that makes him so interesting.

He has a redemption arc as he realizes that he has made mistakes, but also realizes that he has been abused by Zeus, that it most likely influenced how he view things, and how he may have picked up toxic behaviors from Zeus. He learns to be more human, which is such a beautiful arc to see him go through.

He cares SO MUCH about others. He grieves for Jason and Crest and Heloise and so many other people. He tried to sacrifice himself many times and has many heroic qualities, but he is an unreliable narrator and sometimes what he says doesn’t reflect what he does.

His and Meg’s relationship is one of my favorite friendships in the books. It feels like it’s the two of them against the world at times. Meg cares so much for him while also calling him out on his bad actions (like when they were on Sutro Tower) and Lester cares so much for her as he realizes that she has been abused, that she needs help, and that he wants to help her separate from Nero’s influence, that he is so proud of her for standing up to Nero. They both form such a strong bond with each other and I just- I love them!

He is also absolutely hilarious. I find myself laughing as he is just- so snarky sometimes? He also sometimes know random things? (Like the Goddess of Sewers Cloacina) He is also funny when he has no knowledge on how human things work (like not knowing the price of Tater Tot’s)

He also gets anxious and freaks out and cries and he just feels. He gets happy and laughs and gets sad and laments. He gets flashbacks and clearly has trauma but doesn’t let that excuse his bad actions as he feels guilt for his actions. He can also be quite harsh on himself, blaming himself often and sometimes projecting that onto others (like him saying that Piper is blaming him for Crest’s death??) He is such an emotional character and I love him for that.

I love whenever he gets his godly strength as it starts with small things and then it gets to the point that he can create fire with his hands just by simply mentioning cauterizing a wound and breaking Nero’s fasces and having enough strength to drag Python into the Underworld and is strong enough to hold on just enough to save himself from falling into Tartarus. He is such a strong person who has an incredible pain tolerance.

There are many other things that I love about Lester Papadopoulos/Apollo. I think I can positively say that he is my favorite PJO character. I often reread TOA more than the other books. I love the story and how dark it can get while also exploring the themes of how abuse affects you.

I just- I love Meg and Apollo. I need for fanfic of them!! I need more content of them! Their friendship is so underrated, so when I see people make fanfic of them I get so happy!

I also love the community. The fan-artists and the fanfic makers and anyone who just writes long posts, like me, are so talented and is honestly the best fandom I’ve been in.

I hope the PJO show becomes popular so that more people can read these amazing series. I hope there will be a day that TOA gets adapted, and even if it doesn’t, I still have the audiobooks to go back to.

Thanks TOA fandom, for still going strong, even years after the books ended and new books have come out and are still making fanfic about them. It feels like the books have never ended, like the TOA books are still going on and are still making posts.

I’m so happy to be part of such a passionate fanbase.

Anyways if anyone is willing to offer any good fanfics then let me know!

[jessjad]

Recurrence

Summary: Sometimes the past comes back unexpectedly. But it's on you to decide if you let it get to you.

Pairing: Jensen Ackles x Reader

Word Count: 477

Warnings: None, really.

A/N: I don't know. I was in a certain mood today and needed to express it. Just a little drabble thing. All mistakes are mine.

My Masterlist

There he was. On the other side of the street. Looking at her as if the world would stand still. His green eyes sparkled even from this distance and he sported a gentle, genuine smile on his face. Jensen. The man, that had broken Y/N's heart way back when.

Y/N had no idea how long he had stood there, but she had only seen him after she was ready to get into her car. It was her day off and she picked up some groceries. Everything was fine. She had slept well, there were no bad news in the morning and she had been motivated enough to tackle some tasks she had procrastinated on.

But now all of this seemed to be far away. Instead her feet seemed to be glued to the ground and flashbacks from her past flowed through her thoughts. Y/N had never expected to see him again. In person at least. Because noone needed to know that she secretly had been following him and his career. Y/N's heart kept reminding her of her old feelings towards the tall texan and that she was always checking his social media did not help either.

Everything she saw, everything she heared, felt like a car crash. Y/N couldn't look at it, but she couldn't look away either. God, she even could not recall how often she dreamed that it was her on his side. That she was the one he had chosen. But he had not. And so Y/N tried to lock him out of her life. Which was not that easy 'cause if she was honest to herself, he was like a drug and she was willingly an addict.

His smile faded away and his brows rose a little. Apperently her thoughts must've been all over her face. There was no car in sight to break their eyecontact and she could feel the pull on her heartstrings that wanted nothing more but to snap and let her fall back into his arms. But when she saw that he took a step towards her, the spell was broken and she pointed a finger at him and that made him pause in surprise.

"NO!" she yelled, before she could think about it and pressed her lips together. That was all he got from her. That was all the emotions Jensen could receive for free, before she build up the wall around her heart as high as she could. "No." Y/n said much quieter, but he could still hear her.

And then she saw emotions on his face. Confusion, hurt, disappointment, disbelieve. But she dared not to think about it. So she hurried to open the door on the driver's side and got into her car. She took a deep breath and drove off without a glanze back over her shoulder.

A/N: Yeah, like I said, idk. It's weird to write something without a happy end. But sometimes it is what it is.

@lyarr24 @k-slla

[comet-soda-lite]

Final actual thoughts on the Agatha All Along finale:

Good:

- Everything with Nicky. That flashback was really well done and the climatic building song at the end was just fantastic

- I had heard the "Billy is making the road" theory and am well aware it would make perfect sense with his character, but I never actually seriously believed it for some reason until the twist was happening and I was like "wait" lmao. So yeah, that was good and it fit a lot of things into place about Agatha's behaviour I should've honestly put together way sooner

- "Am I killing this boy so my brother can live!?" "Oh Billy, sometimes boys just die" bitch, I'm sobbing

Bad (personal opinion alert!!!!)

- Why is Agatha Billy's ghost sidekick now? Did they just wanna get rid of the threat she posed but keep Kathryn Hahn around?

- The emotional core of the show is the coven and their ties to each other, Rio included. This leads into a couple points:

1) I feel Rio could've been a bit softer to Alice. Even if she started off the interaction as cold, she could've had some warmness for her for even just a moment. More "like greeting an old friend" death than "cold unforgiving cruelty" death. Though Alice's death was supposed to represent the latter, so it works I guess (I am just in denial)

2) Agatha not caring about the rest of the coven members other than Billy right up to the end kind of breaks the illusion that the coven ever formed any real familial bond at all, which shits on the weight of Alice's and Lillia's deaths (and Lillia's whole arc), since they were about sacrificing themselves for the others. The road being a fabrication by Billy just made this feeling worse

- Rio and Agatha should've had some resolution, like??? The tension, as it's introduced to us, is that they both still love each other and are even good for each other. Rio had to fulfill her purpose even though she didn't want to, knowing she'd hurt Agatha. And Agatha hates her for it, despite knowing Rio had no say in the matter and even did her a great kindness letting Nicky stay for as long as he did. They have no reason to hate each other logically, only emotionally. Agatha was seemingly set up from the start to have to work through that grief, by the end of which the two could reconcile, and at that point Agatha could go to death willingly or whatever. But the show ended up not exploring this at all, portraying Rio as a kind of toxic ex out of nowhere in ep. 8, and Agatha's eventual kiss with Rio and subsequent death was fueled by an ultimatum rather than a fully free and intentional choice. And then Agatha dies and Rio doesn't even get to talk to her properly now that the tension is (maybe???) resolved (or maybe not considering it seems like ghost Agatha is still avoiding Rio). This was not a great character arc. And I can't help but feel a proper resolution wasn't reached—not because it was the best writing decision—but because she has to stick around as a ghost for a future show/movie and needs something to do

- Not enough Jen.

Neutral (aka Misc. Thoughts)

- I guess this kinda confirms Billy is both Billy and William? Like, I think it's sorta maybe implied Rio can't reap William's soul while Billy is in there, so he's sorta preventing both of them from dying? Or not? Idk?

-[If not, recall that Billy is technically only three years old in MCU canon, which is very weird]

- Episode 7 still the best episode, fight me

[howlsofbloodhounds]

Hellooo I am in desperate need of Delta angst and I remember you saying that we could ramble about hc's we had so here I go :D

He has severe PTSD/survivor's guilt, and due to this he has intense nightmares, resulting in him never wanting to sleep. Obviously this isn't healthy for them, but they can't help it entirely.

And due to not sleeping very much out of fear, after 3 days he begins to hallucinate (the human body can go 3 full days without any kind of sleep before it begins to have a psychological and mental/emotional impact on them).

Their hallucinations probably revolve around their PTSD/survivor's guilt, but also the fear of not being able to protect his friends currently, which can lead to strong delusions and maybe even panic/anxiety attacks, overthinking, and body dysmorphia.

(I also hc that because Sans and Beta are sharing a combined body, sometimes they forget what they look like now, which can very easily cause imposter syndrome/another identity crisis, dissociation, and intense anxiety, though they will never admit it.)

It will also make him much more mentally and emotionally unstable, which might lead to him snapping at people over small things.

(I also hc that he has ADHD, and usually with ADHD comes sensory issues - from my own experience, at least - so he would be having much more sensory issues than normal, which might make him more irritable and aggressive depending on what the sensory issue revolves around)

As you have said, he's not the type to ask for help when in pain, but I feel like this would very quickly grab Color and Epic's attention and they'd help whether he likes it or not. Which I think would eventually end in fluff bc they'd be able to finally comfort and calm Delta down (and he might finally feel safe enough to sleep).

(And if we're rolling with the hc that he has a therapy dog, Zorox would probably alert Delta multiple times that he needs sleep. If Delta is having a panic/anxiety attack or flashbacks, Zorox would work on grounding them to bring them back to reality, and try to make them take a break. But when Delta refuses, Zorox immediately snitches to Color and Epic and have them help Delta.)

Thoughts?

My thoughts are that these are all completely real and canon because I say so.

I honestly love the idea of Delta having ADHD, I feel it’s fitting in the way ADHD Killer calls to me and Autistic Color does. They should all be neurodivergent buddies, it’s pretty common for neurodivergent divergent folks to flock together, even before they know that they or eachother are. I feel like Cross is Autistic too and Epic is maybe AuDHD (same as Killer maybe??)

And I can imagine that both Delta and Beta have severe body issues, same as Killer does, and probably avoids looking in mirrors on particularly bad days because it just severely confuses and distresses them. Especially on days when they’re particularly blurry or “co con,” having doing a double take when catching sight of what they assume is their reflection in the mirror. Like, is that supposed to be me—us? It’s so strange seeing parts of yourself looking back from another’s face, even weirder when a hand moves without your permission to touch at the face in equal bewilderment.

I also like to think that Delta’s the type to enjoy deep pressure, so Epic and Color often cuddle and squeeze him tightly, or Zorox will lay on his lap/chest to apply pressure. And it’s pretty easy for Delta to fall asleep like that, similar to way Color gets drowsy when he’s warm and Killer when feeling soft and fuzzy sensations like his fluffy hood or a fluffy blanket.

Epic and Color definitely look into buying him the best deep pressure blanket as soon as possible.

[fourlittleocto]

i'm really bad at headcanons in general so i'm sorry if these are not good, but thank you for the ask! also with midterms i've been super busy so i hope everyone can keep being patient with me, i promise i am working on asks it just might be another week <3

starting with some cute ones (thank you @pyrefection)

dew loves to rub soft stuff on his face. if the closest soft thing happens to be a person, so be it. he doesn't want them to touch him, just let him hold their hand and rub it over his face. this always somehow turns into their fingers in his mouth, since they're softer and nicer than his

with that thought, even though he doesn't need to teethe he still wants to stick everything in his mouth, just to see what it's like. some sort of instinct. however his fear of getting in trouble trumps this need, which means he'll spend way longer than most cgs have patience for crawling over to objects that look good, holding them up, and then pouting when he's told no, he can't put that in his mouth until it either has to be pried out of his weirdly strong grip or mountain (because let's be honest he thinks this is adorable and is the only one who actually tolerates it) gives in and let's him put it in his mouth "but just once dewbug!" it's better that he's doing this when someone's watching anyway, and then he'll never need to try again

dew loves to draw and hates coloring. he doesn't like that he can't control his hands enough to keep it in the lines, especially since little rain is a little ocd and always gives him judgemental stares when they color together. he loves to draw though, and even though they're usually just colorful squiggles aurora (his new favorite caregiver) has taught him how to draw some shapes and to associate certain colors with certain emotions, so he feels like he can communicate when he's drawing and it's really relaxing to his troubled brain

i also love moonbeam's hc that tiny dew loves to clap. it's a movement that's easy, and it's small and loud just like he is, and he knows how to clap sarcastically to get a laugh. whenever anyone in the pack does something stupid he claps and giggles, and it sends aurora into a laughing fit every time.

i put some stuff about dew's childhood/regression under the cut cause it's a little heavy/sad so feel free to skip it

just as background, i think dew goes really small, like usually he can't walk or talk but sometimes he can get as big as 3, where he's toddling, but even then he can't talk cause as a child his parents refused to talk to him so he didn't learn to until he was interacting with other kits. It's part of why now he's really slow at reading and gets frustrated when he has to describe something cause words just don't come easily to him. it's also the reason that when he's tiny he likes to hide, he doesn't want anyone to see him so vulnerable so they can't use it against him. (however, this has made him incredible at hide and seek. one of the older littles or aurora will hold him and follow where he points and they always win)

he also can't drop on purpose, it's entirely trauma/stimuli-based. i definitely think it's something that started for him after the elemental change, but no one except mountain knew about it until aurora was summoned. She mothered him about his attitude while he was big enough times that one night, while in the middle of a bad flashback, he babbled something just coherent enough for mountain to know he was asking for her, so now they trade off taking care of him and know who he needs based on what happened/what kind of mood he's in (it's always bad, but sometimes it's MUCH WORSE than others, and aurora has to take him when he's specifically having elemental change flashbacks cause mountain still has too much attachment to the events and they trigger flashbacks for him too)

either way, since aurora has joined the pack she's helped dew not feel so scared about being small, to the point where even if he can't be with a group of adults, he's able to sit with her and watch little rain and phantom and cumulus play. she's also slowly teaching him to do things that 1 to 2-year-olds are supposed to be able to do, and it's helped him feel like he has a lot of control over it even if he still can't control the action of his mind dropping.

[kabutoraiger]

well that was fun to revisit.

keep asking myself "is rookies (2008) good?" and you know. 12-ish years on from my first watch i'm not sure if i can say yes so decisively anymore. i think there can be a world of difference sometimes between something being iconic, delightful, adorable, etc. and something being "good."

the absurd heavyhandedness with the material is just... it's often too much. so many flashbacks to things that only happened five minutes ago, or that we've already been beaten over the head with ad nauseam. close-up reaction shots for every single main character whenever literally anything happens like i can't be trusted to understand their emotions otherwise.

the pacing is kind of fucked. which was maybe inevitable. the manga is 233 chapters vs 11 episodes of tv + 1 film. but it's still crazy to realize this is a show about the big sports tournament where the basic sports season still has not even started by the end of episode 8. a lot of which then gets fast forwarded through. and then the movie covers the entirety of NEXT year's season.

realistically rookies should've had like 20 episodes. but that would've meant so much more time spent having to actually watch them play baseball, which. 💀 well. if there is any piece of media to convince you of the value of baseball it would be rookies, so the fact that i have now seen the show 3 times through and still hate baseball is a testament to my feelings on the matter. and to the power of everything else going on in rookies.

what sells it the most for me is character memorability. i feel like in dramas with similar premises there's always like 2 or 3 guys in the crew who feel interchangeable, or whose names you can never remember. but the rookies just all have that sauce. most of them are beloved sons to me. i know them. i understand them. not only are they all visually distinct but they're putting enough into the individual performances that you Get who they are, and they have these little traits that stand out, and years later you still find yourself thinking about them sometimes. the casting was such a boon for this show.

(...with the one exception of sato takeru who is genuinely quite bad in this. but like. he shouldn't have been hired for this role in the first place. some actors simply aren't born with the capability to play rough n tumble teen delinquents. everyone else is great though.)

what it really comes down to is. when i think about rookies in retrospect, it's never about the parts that drag or made me roll my eyes. it's almost never about the parts where they play baseball, even. all that gets overwritten in a wistful rosy haze as i instead remember how lovable everyone is, and the great comedic moments & timing in a lot of scenes, and visions of kawato's precious smile, and most of all the truly beautiful & yaoiful bonds between young men.

i think everyone should at least try it. just... don't bingewatch it if it's your first time. it absolutely wasn't intended for that viewing model.

[turbofanatic]

Any fun twists on Midna herself or the Twili. How...Into his missing goth GF is Fuzzbutt?

@badlydressedwriter

Poor Fuzzbutt is extremely infatuated... and it's probably not healthy. He'd never gone far from Ordon and suddenly got thrown into an emotionally charged situation where she was the only person he could rely on. And then she turns out to be hot? He did not have a chance and I think she's savvy enough to realize it. I get the feeling Midna has a bad habit of toying with people's emotions, though she clearly matures by the end of the game.

Since she's now more aware of this she decides to cut ties, but the real reason she breaks the mirror is that Hyrule Kingdom was DUMPING MONSTERS INTO HER REALM, even if she wanted to stay with Fuzzbutt she's got to destroy that gateway.

Could they meet again later in a healthier situation and figure out their relationship properly? Yeah, and they may not end up together. Life's like that sometimes.

Ilia is out of the question for romance with Fuzzbutt in Bad Moon because she likes girls. They're good friends though and they try to help each other out with their trauma from the whole ordeal. But it's been a few years and Fuzzbutt is still wandering around deeply unmoored and fighting monsters (I'm making Link's Crossbow Training part of this).

Midna does show up again in the War of Eras, AKA, I Take Hyrule Warriors Too Seriously. She becomes friends with Ravio and Tiny, and the three of them make a dark magic "good guy" trio. She also is very frustrated and has no respect for time paradoxes so she's more than happy to tell Tiny everything, including the fact that Ganondorf's not actually dead which sets into motion Tiny's paranoid attempts to prep the next hero... yay time travel!

My ideas for the Twili aren't super unique but here they are. They're formerly related to the Gerudo and built both Majora's mask and the Fused Shadow to break into the sacred realm (the eye designs and backstory of the dark interlopers and ancient tribe are very similar, there's also Gerudo patterns on Zant's clothes even before he meets Ganondorf but one could argue that's just a flashback and maybe not accurate). Also it's concerning how hard the light spirits came down on them!

[simptasia]

Tell me all about LOST all I know is from Dane Cook

that is. such a funny sentence

aw shucks, its tempting, but i don't wanna give ya spoilers. and there are truly things in lost that must be experienced by your own flesh

...yes im aware of what my blog is like

so i guess i'll give a vague spoiler free overview

so. a group of plane crash survivors find themselves on a mysterious island and have to deal with the strange happenings + their weight of their individual traumas

the show is serialized and one ep more or less flows into another, so literally no ep can be skipped (no matter what anybody says) or else you'll miss something

its a large ensemble cast, ranging from the 13 to 20s range, all in all i think theres like 35 main characters

the show follows a flashback structure, each episode dedicated itself to a main plot on the island intercut with flashbacks to one character. we call these centric episodes. eg. this is a jack centric episode. sometimes an ep will have multiple characters have flashbacks in one ep. while this show didn't originate the concept of a large cast or flashback storytelling, it did popularize it in the early 2000s. so a lot of post 2004 shows wanted to be lost so bad and it shows

at first lost was a survival show but they gloss over this very quickly and its more about the weird shit going on. as time goes on, plots and mysteries stack up. this is to create intrigue, as the shows main focus is an endless parade of character studies. with the added bonus of some cool and twisty shit going on too

but because lost had so much plot, over time it got accused of being confusing and convoluted and Not Answering Questions and well. your mileage may vary. but i think its confusing if you watch it too slowly. like, it aired over a 6 year period, no wonder people got confused. its better to watch nowadays, way easier to handle

the genre of lost is: drama mystery action paranormal sci fi romance with a dash of comedy. lost is full of the saddest fucks you'll ever meet but the show contains enough levity and great colouring to make it not a huge misery fest

pretty decent racial diversity. next to no LGBT rep. more women than the average tv show. then and now

the score FUCKS

not a single bad actor in this entire show, the performances on display are fucking outstanding. and every emotion is like up to 11, which is great for my autistic brain

for those of you who find sex scenes to be tedious, i have a bit of trivia for ya: all sex in LOST happens off screen. not a single sex scene to be found. pre sex, yes, post sex, yes. making out, yes. but sex itself? footage not found. i'm neutral on the concept, i just thought that was something to point out

i highly recommend lost to, like, anybody. ever. its a masterpiece of television. even the low points are better than most shows. sometimes i take lost for granted and then i watch any other drama series and im like "oh right, lost is incredibly good"

its my third favourite show. and thats only cuz star trek and doctor who exist, and nobody is beating those fuckers

anyways do you like to see beautiful people cry and scream but it isn't cringe?* well, i've got a show for you! *okay there is some cringe. as a treat. the leading man of this show has the social grace of a cold pancake (affectionate)

thank you for your time

[zimithrus]

Tiger & Bunny Week Day 5 🐯🐰 - Fan Theories/Predictions

⚠ (Mentions of theoretical death!) ⚠

So, I've lightly touched over this in another post some time back, but Maybe I can go a little more in depth with this fan theory I've had, which is: What if Kotetsu accidentally killed his father as a child when his NEXT powers awakened?

I might be grasping at air here, but think about it: we don't ever see Kotetsu's father in the show, nor is he ever mentioned. All we know of his family is his mother, late wife, daughter, brother, sister-in-law, 2 nieces and a nephew. I know it's simply because the writers didn't write one but still, universe-wise, why wouldn't Kotetsu's father be around? 🤔

Well, my reasoning for this theory is when I was watching the show in both English and Japanese I noticed some peculiar phrasing in S1 Ep2. Specifically Kotetsu's flashback of the bank robbery he had been a victim in. In English, with direct closed captioning, he says the following:

Which yeah, a general 'stay away from me' cautionary phrase. 'Hey I could hurt you, might want to keep your distance'.

but, if you change the language to Japanese and select the English captioning that's translated rather than word-for-word dialogue,

We come up with this:

I'm not supposed to touch anyone.

This implies less of general distance and more of a direct order. The difference between 'keep away' and 'I'm not allowed'. Our first phrasing makes it seem that Kotetsu is saying this on his own to keep others away from him, to keep them from getting hurt. But the second phrase, he says it in a way that implies it's been told to him. Why else would he phrase it like so?

And if he was told by someone to not touch anyone while glowing like that, something bad must have happened. Bad enough to warrant his choice of words here.

As we've seen with Kaede when her NEXT powers awakened, (s1 Ep18) she trashed the house on accident as she couldn't control them, which Kotetsu says this in response:

To which his mother agrees:

Tying that in with the fact that we do not see or hear anything of his father at all in the show coupled with the delivery of Kotetsu's flashback dialogue, Kotetsu must have hurt him by accident, bad enough to kill. All of that together could explain the flashback's choice of words.

Going back to Ep2 here for a sec, when Kotetsu sympathizes with Tony about how his friends turned on him after his NEXT powers awakened, we're treated to some differing dialogue again. In English, Kotetsu mentions his friends turned on him and called him a freak; he hated them for that and his powers most of all.

And in Japanese, we get something a little more, detailed:

He cried every day.

Which we could chalk up to kids being ruthless to a NEXT kid, bullying and teasing as they tend to do sometimes. But how he cried every day? I wonder if there was something else below the surface to trigger a much more emotional response.

Which circles it all back to my theory; Kotetsu accidentally killed his father when his powers first awakened as he could not control them.

Perhaps he was angry, or just a little upset. Maybe an action performed in sorrow or anger went too far and caused the death of his father. Realizing how dangerous his powers were, it probably scarred him, made him emotional and distant all at once. And perhaps from that his mother made a rule for him, that rule being 'You cannot touch anyone when you glow like that'. Which brings it all back to the beginning, Kotetsu telling Mr. Legend that he's not supposed to touch anyone when he's glowing like that.

Until he's told his powers can be used to save people instead, anyway, changing his trepidation into hope. 💚

[ultraviolet-cello]

Alright since the @tristampparty is Well under way now I'm gonna do a little day by day analysis or details I like about the episode of the day, along with my usual art hustle :3!

Because this is going to end up being Super long we'll put this under a cut! [Spoiler warning for All of Trigun, primarily Tristamp and Trimax]

Tl;dr? I'm normal about how Knives is in Tristamp

So I'll be going point by point in chronological notes that I kept while writing abt this episode :] thank u to Mal for putting up with my rambles hehehe.

So the Seeds ships specifically are reminiscent, to me at least, of the Angel Arm (probably moreso the tristamp version which, can you believe, is incredibly difficult to get a screenshot of lmao)

That's interesting to me because it could be just a design choice but if it is an in-universe thing, it does,... imply some things about Plants. Granted, Independents probably weren't known abt when the Seeds ships launched, but is there another aspect of Plants that takes that form? And is that impactful enough for a human fleet to design their ships after that? Much to think about for something that's probably just symbolic lmao

Now for Knives! So a little bit of context that I will elaborate on as we watch, but I think the narrative is heavily biased against Knives when he was a child, and that we will get some recontextualization next season that's more in line with how we know him in Trimax.

In particular, I think the beginning flashback is possibly theeee most unbiased depiction of events because all the rest are specifically memories being told to others by Vash or Knives, or the whole memory thing in July. Granted it's still very Vash-focused but it gives us two major things.

Knives seemingly wanting to take Rem along with him. In Trimax, it's semi-implied that Knives would have initially wanted Rem to live and spirals very hard into telling Vash he hates Rem as a coping mechanism (which I will elaborate on if anyone's interested in my reading of those scenes), and it seems to be even more overt here.

He doesn't stop reaching out either until Rem shuts the escape pod/pulls the lever (Unclear on when that is)

2. From that scene, the only time we see Knives' face/expression again is when the escape pod is being like. Slung out of the ship. The rest of it always blocks his face and expression in favour of seeing Vash's far louder and emotional reactions.

and we just straight up do not see knives again until his big maniacal speech thing and that's,,, well we just don't know how long it's been since they crashed. could be minutes. could be hours. could be enough for knives to have had a breakdown and start laughing at the sky because he just doesn't know what else to do

i think (hope) season 2 might end up having a lot of the same flashbacks from knives' pov/an unbiased pov :]

Moving on with the episode: Roberto! I love Roberto a lot actually, he definitely grows on you. Something I did notice is that throughout this ep he says that Meryl and Vash would not last long on this planet which. That's interesting, considering he doesn't say that to Wolfwood, and yet Wolfwood and Roberto are the ones doomed by the (sometimes meta) narrative.

So when Vash is found he's been strung up by the Bad Lads gang (who have far more presence in episode one than I originally thought lmao), and he looks... a little dehydrated maybe, but overall fine.

The guys next to him, though? not doing remotely as well. Now while there is the possibility that he just got tied up later there's also the possibility that. While he does need to eat he doesn't need to eat as much as the average human. Which. is a lovely thought for the two dead guys. [Also a possibility that if Vash does need to consume less than a human, it could be another justification to himself for his eating issues]

The bounty! So it's technically Knives' bounty but whatever. [Sidenote: the idea that Vash and Knives look very similar is hilarious to me because they do not and never have to me] The particular notes are that Knives definitely had a hand in this - Vash is the only person specified alive, the bounty is obscenely high (compared to the other wanted posters), and it's specifically stamped with July Military, which. Well Knives and Conrad operate in July, and Conrad (by extension Knives) very clearly has a Lot of power in that City because he has the tower, that massive lab, etc. I wouldn't be surprised if they were the ones who initially created the bounty/wanted poster.

This Thomas carrying co... coffins? Are they coffins??

Background wanted posters for B.D.N, Marilyn Nebraska, Rai-Dei, and some other characters from trimax/98. And also for Nightow. for 30 $$ you can bring in Nightow the Comix Artist dead or alive! Wanted for Couch Crimes

Roberto kinda fascinates me as a character, especially when he sticks up for Vash and suggests a duel. My friend Mal describes him as a tsundere for friendship and. yeah okay that works lmao. for all his,,, roberto-isms, roberto has a a bit of a moral streak (he gets maddddd when he learns that children have been experimented on, hesitates in defending himself against Elendira, and lies to the police to get information out of them). He's just a Lot jaded, and we're already primed to like Meryl because, well she's Meryl, but he tends to be right when it comes to Meryl's inexperience. i like him. It's also, come to think of it, possibly because Vash fascinates Roberto a little bit. Roberto really saw Vash and went "I gotta study this guy" lmao

Vash having absolutely Perfect trigger discipline lmao

OKAY SO THIS PART IS MY FAVOURITE. For reference I am a black belt in a couple different martial arts, and working to become a sensei in Goju Ryu Karate, so this sequence is delightful! Let's break it down :] The initial block is one we use to open up a person's body - if that arm is clear out of the way you can keep control of the gun arm in this case by just pushing outwards (And with Vash's additional strength in his prosthetic that's Pretty Dang Effective, especially because in gun situations you want to keep the gun barrel away from you, so you're taught to use two arms - Vash doesn't need to do that)

From there, he goes and grabs the guy's shoulder to pull him forward unexpectedly - this throws him off balance and shifts his weight onto Vash's, so Vash is taking all that bodyweight. From there, all Vash has to do is maintain his grip on the gun arm's wrist (keeping the gun away from both parties in case he accidentally fires or there's a misfire), then turn sharply and let the body follow through!

From there he keeps the grip on the wrist and twists, which sends the gun out of the guy's grip and out of danger. At the same time, he spins his own gun's grip and hits the back of the head with the barrel - Notably he lets go of the wrist, which, if he'd kept holding it, would break the arm. I'm not entirely sure which martial arts were referenced for Vash's style, but this is exactly the type of thing I teach! [For anyone interested, I practice Goju Ryu karate, aiki jiu jitsu, iado (sword), self defense, and general okinawan kobudo (weapons like the bo staff, sais, and nunchaku)]

okay i blacked out and am no longer in teaching mode. Vash's arm, when he picks up that rock, glows very very green

what does that mean? I have 0 idea, it could be that it's overstrained, or using more power than usual. I mean, he did rip a rock out of the ground.

Zaziecam birdworm heading to July from Jeneora Rock! Probably how Knives got word of where Vash was

This fucking scene. man y'all this scene HAUNTS me.

It's so. unreliable at best. this scene goes adult vash saying he has a brother into this flashback. knives says, in order, that "he finally did it", not to worry because the plants are fine, he got rem killed, and tells vash not to get mad because he's already his accomplice, and nothing else. now we Know that that's not the case because Knives directly adds in information in future renditions of this flashback (That Vash gave him the launch codes). Which. What else don't we know about this scene. Clearly it's been a little while, the fire is burning, and Knives had all this time to climb the tower while Vash was (unconscious?). I want to see it from Knives' pov.

Knives keeping a bunch of last run plant corpses as statues to.. remind himself of his goal I guess. I read Tristamp Knives as Trimax Knives taken to the extreme (will elaborate in one of the flashback episodes), so I think he's a touch uh. Extremely unhealthy.

And that's it for episode one! I hope if you read this you had fun and it wasn't too much of a slog to read lmao i'm just rambling. I hope you had fun if you made it this far :]