#sometimes it takes the night to fall
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24. just really needed a hug sort of hug for 00leiter would be amazing if inspiration strikes! 🥰
Alex, mi vida! Thank you for always inspiring and indulging my deep-seated need for 00leiter, and thank you for this prompt. 🥰 Your wish is my command, my friend! It's here, continuing below the cut, as well as on ao3:
sometimes it takes the night to fall
“My mother wanted me to go to law school,” Felix says. His tone is measured, and this, this, is something he’s going to include in his annual performance review at the Agency, which his supervisor signs every year without reading a word: Agent Leiter is calm and measured, even when he is soaking wet, covered in pink feathers, and holding a flash drive with the plans for a chemical weapon designed to take out half of Europe, circumstances which Agent Leiter would have avoided entirely had his MI6 counterpart not been a fucking asshole.
“‘You’ll make good money, son,’ she would tell me,” Felix says. He pulls his Glock out of his holster, pointing it toward the floor to let the water drain from the barrel. “‘You’ll wear nice suits.’ But no, I knew better. I didn’t want to take the motherfucking bar exam.”
“You wear nice suits now, Felix,” Bond drawls, looking him up and down, and Felix is either going to punch or kiss that look off his face, but he hasn’t decided which, yet.
“Normally, I would agree with you, James,” Felix says. Measuredly, again, because he’s a goddamn station chief for the CIA. “But right now, my nice suit looks like it survived simultaneous explosions at a poultry farm and a Pepto-Bismol factory.”
Felix had had plans for their mission in Prague, plans which involved a timeline, and coordinates on a map, and the judicious use of SIGINT. James Bond had had instincts, and even if those instincts had been accurate, as far as identifying the Belarusian middleman they were looking for went, his methods left a lot to be desired, seeing as they primarily involved a chase through a crowded craft fair in the center of town, followed by what could charitably be called hijacking a bachelorette cruise in order to chase said middleman down the Vltava River. And now here they were, on a deserted dock in a decidedly seedy part of town, mercifully free of bachelorettes, but with an unconscious henchman tied to an oil barrel behind them, waiting for the ride that would take them not to their warm, comfortable hotel room near Karluv Most, but to the U.S. Embassy, where Felix could hand off the hard drive and then spend the rest of the night filling out the ream of paperwork required after the sort of nuclear-grade shitshow James Bond tended to leave behind him on a good night.
“I think I know what you need, Felix,” Bond says, and the way his mouth turns up at the corner can’t mean anything good.
“What I need,” Felix says, “is not to be picking penis-shaped confetti out of my beard.”
“No,” Bond says, stepping closer, and if the British exfil team doesn’t get there soon, Felix is going to paddle to the Embassy on a goddamn inflatable canoe, “No, that’s not it.”
He brings a hand to the back of Felix’s head, drawing him in close. “Why don’t you start by putting your arm around my waist.”
They’re Felix’s own words from years ago, directed back at him with Bond’s characteristically lethal precision. Not long after the events in Bolivia, Felix had flown into London for the memorial service of another MI6 colleague who had died in the line of duty. Later, after everyone else had left, he’d joined Bond where he stood in the back of the church, stiff with grief and the bone-deep chill of the British winter.
“She drowned, you know,” Bond had said, his tone conversational. “004, I mean. She deserved better. It’s a terrible way to go.”
Bond and Felix had been lovers for mere weeks at that point, if that designation even applied to the handful of hours they’d stolen in South American hotel rooms and, on one memorable occasion, the lost luggage room of a train station in the middle of nowhere. But Felix wasn’t an idiot. He’d been in Venice when Vesper died. Even then, he’d known Bond well enough to know what wounds would be fatal to him, if left untreated.
“It is,” Felix had said. He hadn’t dared to say much of anything else. “I’m sorry for your loss, James.”
“It’s England’s loss,” Bond had said. He’d already begun to go distant around the edges, all of the lines of his body tensed for a fight. Felix had wanted nothing more than to demand Bond come back with him to his hotel room, to fuck him fast and merciless until all the tension bled from his body, until he was easy and louche again, unspooled against the Egyptian cotton sheets. But his first instinct with Bond wasn’t always the right one, back then, and he’d looked at Bond in silence for a long moment before making his decision.
“Come here,” he’d said. “I’m going to give you a hug.”
Bond had looked at Felix like he’d just suggested they piss in the baptismal font. “A what?”
“A hug, Bond. Jesus Christ. Come here.” He’d pulled Bond in by the lapel of his expensive wool coat. “You start by putting your arm around my waist, like that. Then you put your other arm around my shoulders. Like this, asshole. And then—” Felix had squeezed with all his might. “Then you hold on tight.”
They are here, now, tonight—and by “here” Felix means Prague, means the dock, means covered in dirty river water and the detritus of phallus-shaped souvenirs, but he also means so much more than that—in no small part because all those years ago, his own instincts had been right when he’d taken James Bond in his arms in an empty church, and so as angry as he is, he’s powerless to deny James this, now. He gives in to the inevitable and steps into the embrace, dropping his head against James’s neck.
“I hate you,” he says, but there’s no longer any heat in it. “This was the worst night of my career.”
“The ladies liked it,” Bond says.
“The ‘ladies’ thought we were strippers. One of them threw her drink on me when I refused to take my shirt off.”
“The night is still young,” Bond points out. Felix refuses to turn his head to look at him, on principle, but he can feel Bond’s smile against his cheek.
“Fuck you and your entire country,” Felix says. “I’m glad we threw your fucking tea in the harbor.” But his head is still on Bond’s shoulder, and his arms are around his waist, and he’ll stay that way until the sound of a distant motor signals that their ride is near, and the night moves on around them.
#prompt fills#one shot#my fic#sometimes it takes the night to fall#james bond#felix leiter#00leiter#fluff
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*guy that hasn't slept properly in several days voice* damn why am i so tired
#rye.txt#my sleep schedule is so messed up man 😭#started going to bed at 2am instead of 10pm. except it takes me like an hour and a half to two hours to fall asleep each night#so really im getting to sleep around 3am-4am#and then my body wakes me up at 7am#and sometimes i can go back to sleep but other times i have Work To Do and have to get up then#and then i can maybe try to go back to sleep around 10am#except oops my body doesn't let me actually sleep so i just go to bed and sit there until i feel bad about trying to sleep during the day#and then i get up again#my works schedule is also Very Weird but it's always been like that#im. tired. i wanna draw kitty cats but im too eepy :(
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— And do you or do you not have difficulty remembering such simple instructions? — Only during thunderstorms, sir.
THE SOUND OF MUSIC (1965) / DARK SHADOWS (1966)
#don't mind me just absolutely insane about the possibility (probability!) that vicki saw tsom the year before coming to collinwood.#the boom mic in the stairs shot is always cracking me up.#finally me and you and you and me just us and your friend steve (the boom mic operator)#➤ roger collins & victoria winters. ┊ pain sometimes precedes pleasure，miss winters.#gifs.#➤ edits & art. ┊ the evans cottage art gallery.#➤ roger collins. ┊ I and my ghosts want a drink.#➤ victoria winters. ┊ because she’s lost and lonely. because she looks in shadows.#there's obviously far; far less of a christian overtone in ds — but i wonder if you couldn't make the argument that it isn't also#on some level about belief?#belief; namely; in the ghosts that roger resists and vicki with both arms embraces;#faith in the not-so-minor deity liz stoddard; choosing to follow her doctrine even in the face of conflicting truth.#one might consider collinsport a faithful congregation taking sermons from the mount — from the mouth of the reclusive ascetic;#conveyed by loyal (devastatingly; sacrificially loyal) disciples.#and vicki; searching for belonging; for a home; for a family; falls very lamb-like into the flock.#all old gods of course demand their sacrifices in blood: burke; namely; but also matthew; bill; roger (so-attempted)#if i were pushing it (which I always am) you could go so far as to say collinwood's son rises from the tomb.#''but the day of the Lord will come as a thief in the night'' etc etc. demanding; first; sacrificial livestock; then virgin blood.#anyway! I digress.#''they say confession is good for the soul. well; my soul needs purifying.''#vicki as the prototypical virgin — the clean slate without history; clear water with neither dirt nor blood —#in which roger cleanses himself (somewhat forcefully!); to wash away guilt and suspicion;#the force of virtue that prevents the intrusion of sin; either through the wood of the confessional or very literally at her bedroom door.#''an innate sense of goodness'' etc; besides being something of a conduit between this world and the next:#re. the seances; the appearances of josette and bill; the various and varied encounters with supernatural; the time travel;#as one might expect of an angel ... or a saint. and one could argue that she goes on to restore roger's faith —#if not in the goodness of the world at large; then the existence of goodness; or in the worth of belief itself.#anyway. long way of saying i love man x his governess whether it's catholic or satanic. sign me up.
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OKAY HEAR ME OUT
“Go away.”
Satan doesn’t even glance over his shoulder to see who opened his bedroom door. It doesn’t matter. He’s in the middle of an important chapter and he doesn’t intend to be interrupted. Even so, he continues to listen as he finishes his paragraph: footsteps shuffling, hesitant, the soft click of the door and movement toward his bed. He huffed with annoyance.
“I said-“ he begins, stopping when he feels the body push to press against his back, soft hands slipping around his chest. He squirms instinctively, a proper scowl breaking now as he prepares to shove his lustful brother off his bed.
“Asmo! I told you, I’m not-“
“Satan.”
Satan cuts of his hiss, as the sound of a hitching breath in Asmo’s voice stops him. He stills, listening, before tilting his head to try and catch a glimpse of Asmodeus’s face. He can’t – its pressed too tightly against his shoulder blades, and Satan can only see the edge of Asmo’s shoulders as they give a shudder.
He’s quiet for a moment, thinking. Asmo sniffles, rubbing his nose against Satan’s back.
‘You’re going to get snot all over my shirt,’ he thinks. Aloud he says, “What happened?”
“…nothing…I just…” Asmo swallows, trying to find a way to express what he’s feeling. Nothing happened and everything happened: how does he explain that? Sometimes, the despair just gets too much. Sometimes he feels crushed by the work he does to try and keep everyone together. To keep everyone a family. He hates the thought of anyone seeing his most important acting role slip, certainly he can’t allow anyone to see his face so red and puffy.
“Can I just…stay? Please?” he whispers, too weary to even add a drop of simpering to his request.
Satan stares over his book at his bedroom wall, feeling how tightly Asmo’s hands cling to the front of his shirt. ‘Why me?’ he wonders silently. The newest of the brothers, the most unpredictable, certainly the one least likely to allow such an invasion into his space.
Though, Satan supposed, he was certainly the most familiar with being swept up in one’s emotions.
“Okay,” he finally says simply, shifting to lay over Asmo’s arm more comfortably. He hears Asmo give an exhale and another sniffle, feels him melt with relief. Satan can’t quite relax himself, unused to being so close to another body. It’s alien, the feeling of Asmo’s heart racing against his back.
Alien. But not so bad.
Resting his cheek back on his pillow, Satan returns his gaze back to his book, and starts his paragraph over.
#obey me satan#obey me asmodeus#this is what I was thinking about laying in bed before falling asleep last night#Asmodeus who keeps his emotions clamped down and carefully managed#Satan who can't help the wrath that threatens to spew forth at any moment#the quiet understanding that sometimes you just need someone to take it#now the other side of this is when Satan shows up in Asmo's room and needs to bang his rage out and they...well bang his rage out#astan
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ok wait i have a poll bc im curious. choose the closest one for you
#aka i keep hearing people talk about falling asleep during class or maybe reading#or watching tv and stuff. hwo#i cannot do that#i cannot take naps either i cant sleep in the middle of the day#i can barely sleep through the night sometimes
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thinking about suguru coming home after a long day to “”take comfort”” in his cute little hybrid :33
#I think his puppy hybrid falls asleep on the couch while waiting for him on the living room#ears perked and they’re waiting for him at the door as soon as they hear the keys in the knob#his bunny hybrid is fast asleep in his bed (hugging his pillow bc it helps them sleep)#I think his cat hybrid is a little bit of a night owl#or they take naps throughout the day while he’s gone so sometimes they’re slinking around the house at night when he comes home#either way :333 smthg smthg very slow sex
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i think my coworkers and friends think its a little excessive that Im so militant about my sleep schedule but its hard to describe the extent to which the terrors fucking get me if my circadian rhythm is even a little fucked up
#see. if i fall asleep by 10:45 or so usually the RLS doesnt start up#but if i drink a coffee too late. or im out late. or stressed. or dont get much sleep the night before#it puts me at precipitous risk of getting fucking got#and then its genuinely some of the worst suffering i ever experience... crying pacing self medicating panicking etc etc etc#would take food poisoning over a bad RLS night easy. at least inbetween the vomiting you can sometimes get some rest#rn trialing a med that totally zonks me during the day but its worth it as a PRN cause otherwise ill be zonked ND a bitch if i dont sleep#to delete#resident good#my coworker like.... you wont even go out to dinner before a work day? not if its after 9PM bro otherwise theres a chance i Will Not Sleep#and not only that I WILL suffer the whole time#man Im frustrated too! I wish I wasnt like this but thats the bitch of living with a poorly understood movement disorder!
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you’ve probably already read it before, but the poem Party by Kim Addonizio really got me tonight. first thought was “oh man. yeah” and then my second thought was “how can i make this about my hockey guys somehow………..”anyway! have a good one!
oh. oh.
#don’t think i’ve read this kim addonizio poem and it just blindsided me like a truck thank you so much#i. oh god. like yeah.#pour me shitfaced into your car i feel like you own a comforter extremely dysfunctional only in surface details like which person was the#black hole and the distant spark in space that might’ve been a star there’s something too with unrelenting mist / many-headed mist / missed#who knew mis(t)/sed had undone so many. while you keep an eye on the burner here’s hoping this flame doesn’t go out#the flame as in the spark as in don’t let me have pinned my hopes on you to watch it burn out again but also me. like please let me not go#and i think there’s something there too with the repetitive ‘i have just met you’ and i already love you that reminds me both of a story#colman domingo told abt meeting his partner i cry everytime i hear it right when he says ‘i think i love u &you’re about to change my life’#and i KNOW there’s another poem. and i feel like it maybe has a dog and it talks about how they don’t even know you but they love you#OH IT’S ALSO. OH MY GOD THAT’S IT. i mean not exactly so maybe i have read this before & it’s what has been haunting me for so long but#the opening line to tim seibles naïve is ‘i love you but i don’t know you’ - mennonite woman#the odds of that dog poem being a carl phillips poem is non-zero btw. his poems about dogs make me see shrimp colors (bertuzzi thesis)#ANYWAY. agreed. this is incredibly hockey and incredibly hurtful because they DO bond like this in 0.0001 seconds because if you can’t#you’re fucked. you have to just find somebody and fall in love with them and it’s the salmon and the triple cream brie like they got taken#out to some fancy meet the donors team night in their suits and one of them is dealing with a heartbreak and a trade and are the things#they think true or are they just missing what the used to have. jamie who used to empty and refill the ice tray YES sorry i have been a#little bit thinking that about the trevor dealing so poorly with the breakup and i wish i had another narrative (which i do) but it fits#trade deadline tragedy#and also the formation of a codependent rookies like. two guys that get drafted and brought up together and suddenly they’re doing#everything together and it’s your first time in the big show and none of your old college friends understand because they’re not there#and you can’t get it. like you think you know but they can’t understand and the loneliness and it IS guys taking care of each other#(alexa play harriet by hey rosetta! but specifically the bridge) and it’s just. i just!!! trying to fill up the missing pieces of your life#like i cannot convey WHOMST i am trying to pin this narrative to this is going to rotate for a long while i think#because it’s not a wild i fell in love with you at first sight it’s a you were kind to me when i was broken. and i love you for that.#like who is FALLING APART &happens to fall into someone else’s arms. purely for the partygirl aspect the devil (old hrpf) says ‘13 bennguin#who among us hasn’t fallen mildly briefly brilliantly in love with a stranger and imagined a future where you get everything you want#sometimes we love people for who they are and sometimes we love them for what we’re not and sometimes for who we think they’ll be#this was a very long way to say thank you for sharing <3 i will also be making this about my hockey guys <3#OH MY GOD IT’S DPAIRS. WHO’S BEEN THROUGH SEVERAL DPAIRS#nonny <3
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slept maybe 4 or 5 hours this whole ordeal is really burdening me i feel so disheartened 😔
#i still can’t believe 2 grown people would act like this#one of them is even older than me#she always acts so nice towards everyone but talks behind their back#i always knew they didn’t like me much and talked behind my back as well but i never imagined it was to this extent#to go to the boss behind my back…. i’m just baffled#and i need to work from 2pm til 8pm today again#at least they won’t be there but work was already dreadful for me now it’s absolutely unbearable#having to work with people who talk so poorly abt me and are so deceitful just thinking about seeing their faces again makes me sick#a friend told me i should call in sick and i really think that’s what i’ll do next week#like this whole situation is burdening me to the point i can’t sleep this job is draining me both mentally and physically#and if they claim i don’t do anything anyways it shouldn’t make a difference if i’m there right#i know that’s not true and they will be understaffed when i’m not there and it makes me feel a little bad for my other coworkers but i have#to look out for myself and my own wellbeing#idk what i did to deserve all this sometimes it feels like my life is just one punch to the gut after another#i’m not your strongest soldier god…. i can’t do this#cried so much last night hoping i wouldn’t wake up again after finally falling asleep#and here i still am….#sorry for all the negativity to the few people who might actually read my tags but i’m really hanging on by a thread and it feels like it’s#about to break off any minute#also thank you to all the people who’ve reached out me i really appreciate it i’ll try replying soon but today will be another long day so#it may take a while#☁️
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Ughhhhhhh I hate writing and I hate not writing and I hate myself
#nearly bought a digital typewriter today. actually i DID buy a digital typewriter today. officially yes i have bought a digital typewriter.#the money for the digital typewriter has left my account but i have emailed them to cancel the order because i can't in good faith buy#a digital typewriter when i don't fucking WRITE#i thought it might help me get back into it. distraction free and while allowing me to not judge my own writing#and be continuously editing while i write and going 'i'm crap i'm crap i'm crap no one will ever read this and if they do they will think#that i'm garbage and that i should feel bad etc etc etc'#but it's too expensive and i have the feeling i wouldn't even like or use the thing once i got it#because the IDEAS! the ideas aren't coming to me. or rather they are but none of them seem to stick#i feel underconfident in writing any of them#and then i have old projects that i've always wanted to get back to like the tennis romance thing but SO much has changed since i first#started drafting it. like i don't even know if i like the main couple anymore. i kind of want to put both of them with different OCs of min#but it'd switch up the WHOLE story if i had a different cast#in fact most of the problem lies in the fact that i have this long-running bedtime story i tell myself every night with lore#and a massive cast of characters that i switch out depending on who i'm most interested in right now and every so often i incorporate new#themes and ideas and motifs and plot points sometimes based on media i've been watching because it's MY bedtime story and it doesn't matter#if i plagiarise in my own brain. but then obviously i can't plagiarise in real life#and none of my bedtime stories are GOING anywhere. sometimes i only get through a scene or two before i fall asleep#all of which means my bedtime story is not so much a sweeping epic novel but a sitcom with way too many characters#most of which are werewolves to be honest and sometimes for my own wish fulfilment one of them will walk out of my head#and take care of my problems for me by lending me £1million or murdering my best friend's ex. in my mind obviously#so it's like. it's a case of getting in there and annexing off the stuff i think i can use#it's like yeah i've definitely written several romance novels in my head in the process of this but does it matter if they're IN my HEAD#to be honest i feel like my main strength is in creating characters. like i have this one family of werewolves i've been slowly but surely#adding members to since i was like 16. maybe younger? no yeah i think i made the first one when i was 12#they're compelling to ME anyway. i care about them. it's just PLOTS. i can't plot#if a book could just be a lot of dialogue and sex scenes and silly moments and character studies i'd be alright#i also can't describe settings. don't ask me to because i can't#and now i'm just annoyed with myself because i sat down at my laptop to try to write and instead i'm here complaining about how i don't wri#and if i had the digital typewriter... i mean i'd probably still be doing this i'd just no longer have £300#i don't have the £300 anyway. i hope to christ they refund my card i'm a fucking idiot
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//levels of pda muses are comfortable with
Gale: awkward about pda in front of Tara and his mother, otherwise all for pda. very much a hand holder in public
Shadowheart: once she gets used to it she's okay with a little bit of pda. But she's very awkward at first.
Vax'ildan: despite his teasing he tends to be a more private person where this sort of thing is concerned. Again a little bit of pda is alright, and if it's going to piss off someone terrible he's all for it lol
Ayla: absolutely down with pda at all times. being raised among wood elves pda is basically just her normal.
Cietan: gets awkward about pda. he'd prefer to keep things more private tbh, although he does like holding hands. but still kind of weird about it in public
Lucia: very awkward about pda, not much for it at all, she's not used to letting people see her emotions at all, so that's too vulnerable for her
Rosemary: all for pda, the more obnoxious and annoying the better. will obnoxiously make out with her partner to the chagrin of everyone else
Klio: easy flustered by pda. She likes it, she's just not used to it yet lmao
Elysia: she likes some pda but she's not overly affectionate in public, small things are usually fine.
Alea: she prefers to keep things more private, but if it's going to annoy someone she's down with it lmao
Alras: pda is his bread and butter, he will make out with his partner in public if he thinks he can get away with it
#the failures of me and who i couldn't be || gale headcanon#tell me who's the loneliest of all? || shadowheart headcanon#sometimes it's worth it all to risk the fall and fight for every life || vax'ildan headcanon#i am the reflection of who prevails i'm what inspired the fairytale || ayla headcanon#tonight is no time to die now i'm awake || cietan headcanon#shattering the night radiant and bright our light is splendor shining forever || Lucia rosewind headcanon#are you the queen or are you the pawn? will you master the night or wait for the dawn? || rosemary headcanon#my hearts electric racing endlessly feeling like the stars have all aligned || klio dekarios headcanon#stand firm outlast we won't be beaten by the past || elysia amell heacanon#take what you need leave them to bleed || alea lavellan headcanon#the ways of the past we'll get over || alras lavellan headcanon
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seriously tho reblogging stuff helps so much more than just getting it into tags
seriously. the reblog button is free. support artists who make fun stuff for you to look at for free. show some love for gifmakers and fanartists and fic writers and editors and vid makers and crafters and everyone else
seriously. the button is right there. click it. tagging is optional tho encouraged
seriously. just reblog things that people make
#im tired im cold im gonna go to bed#just for your consideration. after this week making anything took so much out of me even if it was all made out of love#reblog things. reblog art. reblog fun things your friends make and your friends reblog and that you enjoy#yes this is a selfish ask as this site is falling apart for me but. seriously. i create for free. im not saying my stuff is for everyone#i very much know its not. but sometimes it would be nice to have a little bit of encouragement and acknowledgment over something i did#and spent most of my free time with that i decided to share. sometimes that would just be nice#cause after all i put into making things sometimes? literally all you have to do is click a button to share it to your friends and follower#im just saying. tired of this conversation. im going to bed. reblog art and artists. it shouldnt be a hot take. thats all#night is an absolute mess on main
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Me overwhelmed cos I wanna do characters justice and not miss characterise them, but still have funny or emotional character interactions, being scared that imma portray them wrong.
But then also realising that I should have fun with my writing and getting all worked up over how imma write these characters kinda sucks all the creativity and fun outta it.
I do hope I can do these characters justice, and I do believe that I am and am still working on it, seeing how people react with fanwork and taking notes from all places.
I just can easily slip into a spiral of doubt cos, even though thankfully this fandom doesn't have much drama ... It does have a few when it comes to character duos popularity and character portrayals
#i get paranoid over the most inconvenient of things#and it makes be get all worked up and ij my head#when i just want to have fun haha#this is mainly around character scar and deserduo#i dont wanna fall into the common miss characterisation with him and his relationships#but i also ...really like desertduo as character HAH ...and know that people sorta despise it cos its ver popular#.....i just wanna write sillies in space ..which are sometimes sad but mostly goofy#AGH- ....late night thoughts man#im dure itll be fine...i just need to get off twitter HAH#not saying talking about character takes are bad#i just want to please people and write good stories hah
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I'm taking the bus to and from work every day this week for the first time in 3 yrs bc my partner is out of town and dear god I did not realize how much more tired it makes me
#im like in so much pain and so very very fatigued but you know like more than usual#i really need to take a shower but i just cant get up#i have to get up an hour earlier and get home an hour later#and im like falling asleep at my desk at work#plus theres a guy on my morning bus who i think might be making me his ramona flowers. not sure yet but i dont want to deal w it#i do sometimes take the bus this is just the first time ive done to and from work for a week straight#altho a friend is picking me up Thursday night. a welcome break
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gotta love my schools not-actually-optional optional classes :^)
#my school: oh and u can take electives during this study period in case ud like to get ahead on ur clerkship!#me: oh ok! that sounds great but id rather use that time to just study for this big exam instead#and the deadlines are absurd (each deadline for the classes is every single day. that is absolutely unsustainable what)#my school sends me an email about falling behind bc im not taking the classes 🧍♂️#so. its not optional. apparently.#i went back to reread the first email about it and they were like oh yes heres an opportunity for u to take these classes IF you want!#so like yeah for my own sanity i thought#ok id love to learn from these but its probably better if i just take care of myself and focus on studying#but nope!#im really contemplating more late nights and losing sleep but after last weeks conundrum after losing a whole night of sleep#and having subsequent panic attacks after that. Uh. No.#tw vent#vent#well. ok. i guess.#snow speaks#i sent an email to them about it so i can have a clearer understanding of wtf is going on#but they are sooooo slow#sometimes i wont get a response until the following week 🧍♂️#sighs... ok back to studying ig#i feel like the past two months is me constantly going 'i am THIS close to giving up on this dream and just going off the deep end to#do something else.' but no i wanna keep trying orz
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im just gonna tmi-medication share in the tags real quick
#tales from diana#i want to preface this with i've been prescribed adderall as-needed for adhd for a fullllll decade now#don't come at me with anti-adderall or anti-adhd-medication bullshit im not here for it!!#but my health problems have been so bad and ive been getting the worst sleep of my life lately no matter WHAT i do#i can do everything right#and btw i do not take adderall every day. which is implied by as-needed but i want to stress again I DONT NEED IT EVERY DAY#only when i do like. work. which ive been doing less and less bc of health problems!#but even though i havent been able to physically work so much i still have been taking half-doses a couple times a week just to like. read.#just to have a brain to do ANYTHING when everything is so awful and my brain is so foggy#ive always *sometimes* cut my doses in half if im not doing so much. just to save it y'know.#and ive always also *occasionally* gotten worse or even a really bad night's sleep after taking adderall#most commonly i'll wake up absurdly early the next morning and not be able to fall back asleep#rationing sleep is always something ive been in the habit of doing anyway as a person w adhd.#sleeping 4-6 hours during the week and 10-12 hours on weekends. just to make up for the deprivation y'know.#but even lately cutting my regular dose in half. it's still too much.#my current dose btw is already half of what it was in high school! i decreased my dose already years ago#but yesterday i finally got the nerve to take. a damn quarter of my own pill#and i took the smaller quarter of the half i cut in half.#i was def taking less than 5mg of my damn medication#and i actually didnt sleep like complete shit! and i was also worried#it might not be so effective.#but it actually worked quite well. i had enough focus to read for several hours#i had energy throughout the day too#i sometimes try to do caffeine on days i cant/dont wanna take adderall but caffeine just does not do the addy things so effectively. iykyk.#i cant believe i have to be so skimpy w my own life-sustaining mental health medications just bc my physical health is so bad#but whatever. whatever!#im gonna take another quarter-dose today and finish pericles prince of tyre. have a great day everyone
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