#sometimes i yell at past me for thinking
Explore tagged Tumblr posts
Text
me: let's make fani's jewelry pretty and detailed :D
my left hand, knowing what's coming:
2 notes
·
View notes
Text
s2 episode 20 thoughts
oh man! i really loved this episode. no aliens, no overarching plot, just some silly shenanigans and yeah, some murder, but in a far more lighthearted fashion than in other cases. filler episodes i love you soooo much <3
from the beginning, i thought the prompt sounded really good... shoutout to people who work in sideshows and other touring entertainment industries, yâall are real for thatÂ
we open with some kids laughing under a full moon⊠nothing could be scarier⊠except SOMEONE WATCHING THEM!
and whoever it is, they are approaching the pool with feet out. where are their parents to safeguard them from stranger danger, i ask into my screen!
OH he is the dad!! what was once scary has now turned heartwarming. he splashes about in the pool with them and says they need to get ready for bed. aww.Â
BUT NOW SOMEONE IS WATCHING HIM IN THE POOL!! NOOO the heartwarming session HAS BEEN CANCELLED... is he being EATEN???
(as he is killed, the camera shows a van with the words âalligator manâ on it... at first i'm thinking that the alligator man was the creature who just Ate this guy, but turns out the father WAS alligator man, so named for his skin condition. rest in peace mister alligator, the world is a worse place for ur loss)
and now the agents are looking into his murder :(
(also, in the opening credits, we see that one of the guest stars is named âthe enigmaâ... Iâll have to look into their work)
mulder says there have been a lot of murders in this fashion over the last 28 years, and they have been going all over the country!!! it seems to involve some sort of round bite mark. must be time to go investigate.
they roll up the the alligator man's funeral. honestly it is sad! and we see that the widow slash mother of the kids is a bearded lady and she is absolutely serving but this is a very sorrow-filled moment for them all
and interrupting the moment in which his community remembers the warmth he brought to their town, his casket starts moving⊠and someone emerges from the ground⊠and stabs himself in the chest with a spike???? HUH???
so the deceased was an escape artist but was forced into the sideshow circuit because of his skin condition⊠scully says she didnât know sideshows were still a thing⊠which is honestly fair because it is a very vintage sort of entertainment. and they have a Not So Great history.
BUT if the people who live in this town in the summer are all traveling performers.. and if they have been touring for years... and the murders go on for years⊠hmm, it seems things are starting to add up
mulder notices a drawing of a creature on the menu of the restaurant they are sitting in, and he asks who drew it. why, the sheriff says, it's the artist named hepcat, of course! cut to him tending to his freaky mermaid. he describes his scary maze business as âa tabernacle of terrorâÂ
mulder asks what the drawing on the menu was, and i was thinking, hmm, looks like the fiji mermaid, and hepcat says it is the fiji mermaid, and mulder doesn't seem to recognize it?? i assume this is one of those situations where he acts like he doesn't know what is going on to get more information because i feel like that is Exactly the sort of thing he has read about at length. like i had him pegged as a guy who could write a dissertation on the subject at the drop of a hat. so i think he's lying but narrative wise it isn't fully revealed.Â
scully: âwhatâs the fiji mermaid?â hepcat: âitâs the fiji mermaid!â <- thanks this clears up a lot <3
mulder is acting surprised to hear that the top half of the fiji mermaid was a monkey, which i again assume to be an act? but he says that the tracks at the murder look monkey-ish. so perhaps there is a correlation...? between the very active murder case and that time PT barnum sewed a monkey and a fish together? hey, the dots aren't connecting for me, but i don't work for the fbi so what do i know
they go to get a place to stay and the guy operating the rental place, a kind and verbose fellow with dwarfism named mr. nutt, gives them their keys. and mulder asks if had worked in the circus, (and since everyone they have met so far has in fact done so, i feel that this was a fair question, but maybe i also deserved what follows), and mr. nutt really lays into him about making judgements, and maybe some people with dwarfism want to manage hotels...
and as all of this goes down scully just observes. wow. she let him flounder. lmao.
the man carrying their bags is named lanny, and he has a conjoined twin sort of situation, it's not entirely clear- but he says mr. nutt got him to work there because he believed it was undignified to work in the circus. hmm.
back to hepcat at his studio⊠listening to some groovy music... and something crawls in his window⊠looking like the fiji mermaid. and it BITES him.
next morning. mulder going for a jog. in a sweatshirt and sweatpants in florida heat. what in the hell was he thinking??? letâs analyze that while a man chomping a fish emerges from the river. we receive no real clarification on what is going on in either of their minds.
scully in bed. alerted to a murder by lanny. still in a robe. we get a shot of her chest and also lanny's brother that felt mutually uncomfortable. SMH no rest for her!
okay, examining the scene of the murder. mulder notices some blood on a little window and WHY DID HE TOUCH THE BLOOD NASTY!!!! NASTY!!!
they deduce that to fit in the window, the suspect would have to be a contortionistâŠ. and they walk out to see a contortionist. itâs the spike guy that so disrespectfully ruined the funeral!!
he puts a nail up his nose in front them. and mulder pulls the nail out. probably to get some blood. not an easy watch still.
we learn here that the guy with the puzzle tattoos who was eating the fish in the river earlier is called âThe Conundrumâ, and the spike guy slash contortionist is dr. blockhead
dr. blockhead gives the conundrum a bunch of crickets and he gulps them up; then he offers crickets to the agents and scully TAKES one, says thanks, eats it, and leaves LMAOOO????? never let them guess your next move....
mulder is staring at her trying to figure out if he is in love with a woman that just ate a cricket and if this is something she does regularly and JUST KIDDING!!! she didn't eat it silly!!! she "reveals" the lil cricket behind mulderâs ear awww... her uncle was a magician <3
(he also does a lil slight of hand trick and pulls out the bloody nail, saying "everyone's uncle was an amateur magician", which i am sure they can bond over at a later date)
scully goes to a museum that says "freaks free, everyone else leave a donation" and she puts in some money⊠publicly declared non-freakÂ
this guy at the museum is touching her. donât care for that. but I like that he knows lots of random information. and he wonât show his whole face, we as the audience only see him through mirrors. very cool framing device.
he says he will take her back and show her something of barnumâs for another $5 and sworn secrecy. good luck bucko; last time she was told to keep a secret (affair baby) the SECOND she was reunited with mulder the tea had been spilled LMAOOO. he hands her a paper featuring jim jim the dog faced boy, who, dare i say it, seems to be a king.
he leads her into the back rooms⊠scary. but her trench coat is serving though
okay, deep in the back is a trunk. and itâs empty and opens an exit door. NOOO she was scammed! itâs all part of the hustle.Â
(well, that is what i THOUGHT, at least, until she realizes it leads to the sheriff's house, and things are adding up...)
mulder sees something crawling about. itâs the guy who owns the rental space, mr. nutt, under scully's trailer! he asks why he is under there and mr. nutt says he is NOT being creepy. mulder flirts with the man and he runs away LMAO... weaponized bisexualityÂ
agents are in the trailer having a nerd off and itâs not clear who is winning and there is romantic tension. sheriff hamilton used to be jim jim the dog faced boy???? what a reveal!!!
we are watching them watch the sheriff dig a hole during a full moon. average agent bonding activities. he buried something in the ground and goes inside.Â
they are in his yard digging up what he was just digging and mulder has taken his earlier roasting to heart and says âweâre being highly discriminatory hereâ and clarifies thatâs no reason to suspect him of being a werewolf and itâs like well. i donât know that we both thought he was a werewolf. they pause to consider the moral weight of their actions then keep going.
uh oh! sheriff catches them!!! not a good look being caught digging something up. âWeâre exhuming⊠your potatoâ is the best line that usually quick-tongued mulder could come up with, which had me losing my MIND and i proceeded to write a very long keysmash to express my amusement
âmay I ask why?â (she starts monologing about serial killers taking positions in law enforcement and needing to monitor him as as suspect, and itâs convincing) (he cuts in: âwe found out you used to be a dog-faced boyâ STOP THIS IS SOOOO FUNNY) and she looks soooooo guilty!!
he doesnât deny it and says he started balding on his head which put him out of a job. fair enough, gotta pay the bills.
next genius dialogue exchange: âthat doesnât explain the potatoâ âI got some warts on my handâ â...that doesnât quite explain the potatoâÂ
(i kept having to pause in rapid succession to write these lines down because i was laughing SO hard)
has anyone thought that maybe a man wants to bury a potato in his yard in peaceâŠ. like thatâs how we get more potatoesâŠ
âto get rid of warts you rub a sliced potato on your hand and bury it under a full moonâ <- new life hack just dropped!!
nooooooo the conundrum is chasing the dog⊠dog escaped. everyone is pleased. he brings a check to mr. nutt and itâs rent!! king of paying his bills on time. but dog is still barking... NOOOOO MERMAID ATTACK ON MR. NUTT!!!
someone with bloody hands bursts into scullyâs room and she must have her gun right by her pillow, and she gets it so fast, but itâs just lanny, saying he found mr. nutt dead... they truly hate to see a hard working entrepreneur in the field of hospitality winningÂ
the pin at the scene looked like something from dr. blockhead, so they go to his house to investigate and he is full of hooks. i made a noise like whAUUUWAUUHWAUH and mulder is looking intensely at what's going on there. blockhead goes on some cultural appropriation bs. um sir this is weird timing bur you are under arrest.
he gets out of the handcuffs- contortionist and escape artist! but the sheriff catches him by the hooks. what a KING! shoutout to this sheriff, formerly jim jim the dog faced boy, can we add him to the team? skinner are you hiring? Â
just as our agents apprehend their suspect, we see that the mermaid creature is in the room with lanny!!! but... he isn't hurt?
OMG the twin inside him IS THE MERMAID??
lanny confesses to this when he asks how it would be possible to turn his "brother" in without turning himself in...and he thinks the mermaid fellow hates him and is looking for another brother which is so SAD but he says heâll come back
is anyone concerned about the twin crawling out of lanny? well, mulder knows he isn't the man in charge here: âscully, youâre the medical expert⊠I believe youâ yessir it's good to remember that!
the mermaid brother appears to have run off into the "tabernacle of terror" and mulder trying to hold a little evil mermaid at gunpoint is SO comical
their asses are lost in the maze!!! scully pulls a gun on a rubber skeleton that fell from the ceiling!
she's trapped in a mirror room to serve infinite looks in all directions, and it looks like mermaid baby is caught... she fires.. but it hits the mirror!! baby mermaid brother escaped!!!
at this moment, mulder slides through a trapdoor... and it was SO funny pls tell me there's a gif set of that somewhere because i need it...
baby on the loose... bad news!!! conundrum is being eaten by the baby twinâŠ. but what if he eats him FIRST, i ask myself, and received an answer in the form of baby being gone and conundrum rubbing his stomach!!!! yassss!!! diva down!!!
the next morning, while everyone is searching for mermaid brother, we learn lanny died that evening of a condition related to alcoholism. we learn this while dr. blockhead and the conundrum are getting ready to leave.
and dr. blockhead's going on about the future, and how nature needs freaks, and in the 21st century everyone will look perfect⊠"just like him" (points to Mulder majestically posing by a trailer) LMAOOOOOO âimagine going through your whole life looking like that!!!â <- yeah it must be really hard....... /s
at last, conundrum and blockhead are taking off into the great unknown... scully points out he doesn't look too goodâŠ. CONUNDRUM TALKS???? âprobably something I ate", he says. LMAOOO his voice is sooo normal đđđ
this episode had me laughing. we really had it all: exhuming a potato, scully's valiant attempts at lying, mulder hitting on a guy, lessons in ableism and judgement, a man who eats crickets and fish, flirting over case details, a dog, scully doing magic, mulder running in the florida heat dressed like it was a new england winter. truly i have nothing that could be added.
and did i have a secret evil mermaid twin on my list of probably monsters of the week? no, i cannot say that i did! was it the most compelling or scary of creatures? not really! but i was filled with whimsy. cannibalism saved the day. an excellent episode, and a perfect contrast to earlier in the season when scully was literally About To Die and i was crying a lot over the whole thing. ah, the duality of TV shows!
#(it only took me like 50 episodes to realize⊠that i can just copy and paste the notes from my phone into mobile#save it as a draft#and then edit that from my laptop⊠wow⊠this could be a game changerâŠâŠâŠâŠâŠ)#wow. a moment of silence for all the time i spent re-typing my notes by hand when the simplest option was Right There.#and in all i don't think it saved me a whole lot of time- still took like 40-50 minutes- but this method felt a lot easier#and i Will be making use of this tactic moving forward#anyway. i had a good time. laughed a lot. more silly eps pls pls pls i like the mixture of them!!!#still don't believe he didn't know about the fiji mermaid though like i cannot imagine that it is even possible... he just lies sometimes#also still laughing at mulder hitting on mr nutt completely unprompted.#he likes someone who will yell at him a lil bit LMAO#juni's x files liveblog#the x files#txf
38 notes
·
View notes
Text
Karen has four older brothers and this is Ross! He's the second oldest and he looks rather polite and smiles a lot and when he's at work he can behave most of the time... but he really has such a foul mouth it puts Right to shame.
And Karen when she was a kid couldn't pronounce S's and they sounded like Z's. So when her brothers would be leaving for school she would say "enjoy zool" and just. Could NEVER say Ross's name correctly so he told her to just call him Oz. And it stuck but only with Karen. She's the only one to use it and no one else is allowed.
#my characters#also fun fact she has decided to legally rename him for when shes mad at him#so instead of yelling his full proper name#she will yell OSWALD THOMAS WILSON which is the fake first name but actual middle/last#and its just thats a guy that she wouldnt want to admit to knowing if she saw him in public#hes actually p short so yeah hes a short king#the oldest bro and the second youngest are both taller#the middle middle is basically the same height as him so karen really is just the wittle bab#and all her brothers are super protective of her bc thats their baby sister#she does however have a strong sense of I GOTTA PROTECT THE MIDDLE GUY#so she is kinda used to standing up for older guys just bc of he#but it comes into being a problem when she meets rick and is like fuck it he may be older but#he is too kinda for this world and also theres no way i can love him hes basically a baby brother#and she will pick on him but also would absolutely throw hands for him#and and i know the tags are long as is but eventually karen and rick move past the whole youre like a brother vibe#and they become very good friends - still zero romance involved - but she starts to treat him less like a family member#and it makes him feel less awkward and in turn he feels more open to joke sometimes#cause for a long while rick is just this is really awkward and i wish we would stop matching on dating apps but she wont leave me alone#so its rude to turn her down when she offers a friendly drink to check up on me#but its actually karen being protective older sister mode despite being the youngest of five#this is the most i have managed to draw in like two weeks i think#now im super tired bye
41 notes
·
View notes
Text
#petition for my brain to shut the fuck up#man iâve been doing so well lately i hate that iâm feeling like this the past few days#i know itâs because iâm about to get my period#tmi sorry#but damn#bonking my brain with a hammer yelling YOUR FRIENDS LOVE YOU! YOU ARE NOT ALONE!#WHY DO YOU FEEL SO UNLOVEABLE AND UNIMPORTANT#especially when i have had conversations with like. four separate people very very recently about how much we are grateful#to know and love each other#so why the hell is my brain doing this to me đ„Č#love irrational thoughts and feelings xoxo#to be deleted#personal#sometimes i feel like tinker bell like i truly think iâll die if i donât get enough attention#but at the same time iâm like#be grateful for the attention you do get bitch
8 notes
·
View notes
Text
g*lmar rly has to be the best skajrim character on the real like even if you don't like him he just is . literally The best one i think......... on dat note i also imagine that he and ulfr*c despite being fairydust BFFs for lyfe genuinely have the worst communication skills ever seen
#text#but i already talked about how g*lmar is weird about ulfr*c anyways#literally jubilant and feeling special cus he's the only person ulfr*c actually trusts and speaks to outside of formal conversations#he's a very manly man too (like N*loth) for wanting to just control everything... well actually having ulfr*c under 'control' is enough 4 -#- him. unlike n*loth who wants to be above everything that moves. literally not about him tho#i hope that other st*rmcloaks develop a habit of going to hide downstairs in the palace whenever they can tell the vibe between -#- g*lmar and ulfr*c is off because they're gonna be yelling at each other and throwing shit around for 40 minutes in a few seconds#i don't believe they'd fight insanely often but being at an active war probably gets them heated more. Often than usual; and their -#- conflicts are never resolved. i feel like they just don't talk to each other for a good 2 days and act like nothing happened#they're way too manly and prideful to actually let the other one 'win' so they just don't say anything ever post-arguing#Tbhs g*lmar actually really likes that ulfr*c is so unstable and harrowed because it makes himself feel very good and reliable -#- but he has his limits đLMFAOO i bet sometimes he gets really tired of him being so traumatized. very rarely but he does think about it#i'll have to desribe that a bit better later tho... don't know how to word it atm#but maybe he wants to punch him or something BYE. no...... đsavage as hell#he likes it in a very general sense of ulfr*c's personality especially between them but doesn't like it when it causes them to clash#this might just be mostly ulfr*c's doing cus i doubt he's actually talkative about his past issues and Troubles (torture mayhem) and -#- can't communicate anything about it or set boundaries when needed. he just gets mad or very avoidant. No fixing that tho#well it's just shameful to him so he'd rather do nothing than even admit anything to anyone Everrrrr#why does his life suck so bad LMFAOOOOOOOOO#their nasty musty mutualism .. leeching off your traumatized Bff so that he can make you feel good by saying he needs you in particular#while U pay him back with some support.......SOME#Oh well#that zero communication between some sk*rim characters looks yammy as fuck to me. A;lways. ALWAYS#nelvas is power dynamic induced...... g*lmar&&ulfr*c trauma-caused... elituli Umđ t*llius doesn't even know any hobbies she has#bye this is why they're serving so hard
9 notes
·
View notes
Text
so like. what is the general consensus abt getting gale's orb tattooed on u. bc i relate to him n his backstory a fuckton and Really Want It (no promises i'll listen to the general consensus, i just wanna know what it is)
#like. am i good to go or am i signing myself up for eternal fandom discourse#for the record what it represents in the story is kinda WHY i want it#i am very aware of what it means#again i find him super relatable to the point i cried through his entire quest lmao. watching his cutscenes sometimes feels like watching-#-myself from an outsider pov.#i think i want it so bad bc it's like. a physical metaphorical manifestation of that very real trauma feeling that we share#and representative of surviving and getting past the specific flavour of abuse that we both experienced#and also. chronically ill gang lmao#idk. it means a lot to me and it's sorta a darkly hopeful sorta symbol in my brain#not bc of mystra or netheril or whatever. bc of GALE#but again. if i'm going to be yelled at and told i don't understand his character if i do end up getting it#i want to at least be emotionally prepared for that#no guarantee i will get it. no guarantee i won't#i'm just thinking abt it n want input#og#gale dekarios#gale of waterdeep#bg3#baldur's gate 3#id
9 notes
·
View notes
Text
I have a lot of mixed feelings about MatPat.
On the one hand, he definitely has a streak of bigotry. The pyro episode really comes to mind on that one, and his refusal to they/them Kris was also not cool, and there have been a lot of other examples here and there.
But he has been getting better. One of his Livestream hosts uses they/them from what I can tell, and I haven't heard any word that he's misgendered them anywhere.
But also, his theories have just been getting lower and lower quality as his channels kinda turned into something one step below a content farm. His Digital Circus theory, for example, he came up with ON GTLive and then just cleaned it up for the episode.
But he was also hosting all four channels. Each channel will have its own host now.
He made a lot of mistakes, but so does everyone.
Am I defending him? I dont know. Do I forgive him? No. Do I honestly care? ...I don't know.
I'm glad he's stepping away. But I'm also gonna miss him.
Like he said in the goodbye video, he was a lot of peoples childhoods. Mine was one of them. He's definitely not the best person nor was he the best influence, but he did help me realize that being a nerd and being passionate are good things. And his passion helped me want to create.
I'm glad he's leaving, but it also feels like my childhood is going with him. One last step towards that all-encompassing 21 in a few months from now.
I'll miss you, Mat. I hope you can continue to grow as a person and support others more in the future. Teach your son what the world failed to teach you when you were younger.
Also read the tags, please, okay Tumblr? Thanks.
#im scared to post this. i know people on here dont like him and i 100% understand why#but i also fear that people assume he can't grow#i may be wrong as ive been staying away from matpat drama but from what ive seen?#mat makes mistakes. then he listens to people when they tell him he fucked up. and he tries to do better.#people forget that hes a person sometimes.#and like i said i could be wrong. there might be evidence out there that hes an evangelical or something#but i havent seen it. i do know about the homophobia and transphobia from the past#but i also know hes apologized and that stuff hasnt really resurfaced#i want him to do better and continue to grow away from the internet#but if im wrong then im wrong.#just please dont harass me for this post okay?#if hes worse than i think he is you can tell me but please dont be mean about it#ive had enough people yelling at me.over this shit recently.#mat if youre SOMEHOW reading this? thanks. your stuff helped me watch to enrich my stories more#give people something to hunt for#you aided my passion#and i wouldnt be who i am today without you man.#so please. keep growing. keep doing better. and i guess i'll see ya when i see ya.#dimond speaks#not maintagging this cuz i dont wanna get killed lol
7 notes
·
View notes
Text
Kind of funny and fascinating how when I go out and about I get compliments on my outfits from the people working at whatever store Iâm in or from middle aged people (specifically regarding my Depeche Mode shirt tbh) but people my age or younger just call me a faggot
#but I do see how alt women look at me in passing. even if they donât say anything to me#<- positive comment. itâs a look of they think I look cool#genuinely one of the last times I went out at the mall I walked past a couple and the girl turned a little to look at me longer as I passed#also to be clear this isnât a bit. I get compliments sure but people also love to call me a fag. either in passing or yelling from afar#or to whoever theyâre with but 100% about me#itâs crazy because sometimes Iâm not even that dressed up. people are just shocked and appalled by guys who put effort into outfits#and/or wear jewelry#but getting called slurs or getting nasty looks or people being assholes wonât stop me!#Iâd rather have fun for myself than be miserable for strangers <3#dead text
3 notes
·
View notes
Text
GAAHAHHHHH
#venting in the tags#maybe its just past darkness and the Bad Thoughts which i shouldnt listen to are clouding my brain too much#but i feel so fucking weird and inadequate over everything rn#im unable to work on drawings as i usually would have and its kinda plaguing everything which it should like yeah i love drawing but#i cant let just one aspect of me ruin everything. right? the fact that i havent been able to draw as well as i usually can should make me#feel sick to the stomach and unsure about everything i do but it happening and i hate it.#plus i got the ipad id saved up from the comms to buy and its fun and nice and all and maybe i just need more practice with it but i feel#like im not able to draw on it even more? and i spent the whole day trying to get used to it but its just not as good?? and then when i went#back to the no screen wacom i couldnt get a hang of it becuase idek its just not happening#and also the fucking art block wants me dead i swear i want to draw so bad and i have so many ideas but the moment i start anything its just#crumbles down into nothingness and i hate everything i do and gods fuck i want to cry but i can because there are people at home and#usually im a big 'crybaby' when im at home but i dont fucjing wanna be like that anymore like i can handly my shit myself im fine.#i dont need to just fuckinf cry abiut it becuase thats not gonna fox anything but also i feel like crying might just make me feel better#but then id have to hear shit from my family and i know theyre just teasing in a /pos way but i dont wanna fucking deal with that#plus my brother iust talking to him os annoying sometimes like he talks about things so condescendingly and fucking hel dude shut#the fuck up i dont need you telling me that my art is something people can 'just do' and the fact that i was able to get the ipad#'basically for free since i got that money from the little drawings i make' as if they dont fucking mean anything to you like#shut the fucking fuck up dude i worked hard on those and even though i dont like my own shit sometimes i still fucking work hard on those#fuck you you bitch#i think a lot of things are just piling up and i need to sleep#tomorrow will be a new dawn and a fresh start and maybe ill hate myself less#ps. note to anyone reading the tags#im fine i just needed to yell out and express my frustration a bit. some sleep will help surely.
3 notes
·
View notes
Text
i am once again overwhelmed by love for humans as a whole
#just. fuck#oh my god. oh my god. i love humans. i love humans and i love life and i love that i get to be a part of it#it sucks sometimes and there are awful terrible things that happen and im not going to deny any of that#but just. im thinking about all the strangers who've ever been kind to me and im overwhelmed with love#the girl ive never seen before who grabbed me to dance during my last homecoming with the biggest smile on her face#the kid who taught me where to dig for clay in a lake when i was 8 who told me he loved me when i said i had to leave#the stranger at the last show i went to who held onto my shoulder as we jumped and yelled and laughed together#the little girl who came into my workplace today that told me with the most starstruck face that she liked my hair#the older lady who helped me pick up all my things after i dropped them in a park after an incredibly hard day#the trio of teenage boys who played with me on the playground for hours one evening when i was 6 because they saw i was lonely#the random man who bought me the snack i tried to put it back when i realized i didn't have enough money for it#the teen girls who chased off some guy who tried to kick my head in and then ran back to hold my hands and make sure i was okay#fuck. i love people. i love human beings so much.#i love being alive and im so so glad i made it past middle school even though i thought i wouldn't#i get to look at sunsets and sunrises and i get to pet dogs and i get to wade around in lakes and pools and ponds#i get to hug and hold people and i get to laugh so hard my stomach hurts and i get to yell and scream in happiness#i get to eat good food and listen to good music and i get to run and jump and dance#i get to see beautiful things and i get to watch strangers live their lives around me and i get to be a part of it all#it's amazing!!! fuck!!!! i get to be a part of it all!!!!!#i love being alive and i love that ive made it this far#i don't know what the future holds but im just so glad im even here at all#sorry about the long sappy ramble and i know this probably looks weird but i could not care less#im just overwhelmed with love for everything
3 notes
·
View notes
Text
If my younger self saw us now- iâd like to think she were very proud of how far weâve come đ„č
#thinking back on my past is weird- Iâve changed so much-#i was in a shitty environment with my parents- always yelling at each other- and getting scolded for dumb shit-#not speaking it (and still sometimes struggling with it) and caring so much what people think#if anyone who knows me now met me then- theyâd assume we werenât the same personâŠ#i could be a mean kid⊠but I was never taught to express my feelings and I had a shitty biological dad who I donât talk to anymore btw-#unless he messages and then starts being an ass to my mom when I donât message back#but no- I basically raised myself- and had my grandparents as wellâŠ#my mom was there but she wasnât THERE you know-#we have an okay bond now but we donât always get along#kait rambles
2 notes
·
View notes
Text
i donât get how people can complain about the writing âdoing Martha dirtyâ when that same writing gives her an ending that addresses her treatement over the course of the season, allows her to finally put her to foot down, to establish her self-worth as an individual and to air out her grievances, and gives her the most respectful and satisfying exit from the TARDIS weâd yet seen in the show . like itâs one thing to dislike the direction the writing team took with her arc and to criticise it (perfectly fine) and another to somehow miss it entirely lmao . the âmartha feels out of place, second best, and like a reboundâ is an intentional piece of writing that gets resolved by the end of the season . like that wasnât smth they threw in for shits and giggles, it had in-story repercussions
#and if u donât think those repercussions were Enough then thatâs totally cool and smth to start a discussion over#but . donât act as if they didnât happen lmao??#i just . yells#like i have my own criticisms about the writing (giving the âi feel second best to this dudeâs past love interestâ to the first POC#companion was . probably not the best of choices letâs be real#though thereâs some leeway there as im assuming the character was written before audtions . but still . could have been reconsidered#idk i totally understand why people arenât fans of the storyline itself (outside of how coherent the writing is) but i think itâs a shame#that many others just kinda seem to miss the point because itâs such a unique and interesting arc to give to a companion#i like fresh ideas!! i like the doctor Actually being portrayed at someone who is clumsy with relationships and emotional intimacy!!#i like it when his trauma spills over in ugly and complex ways like we see in season 3 in regards to his friendship with martha#and i like it even better when his accidentally cruel actions and mistakes get brought up and criticised by the narrative!! like it does in#the end of s3!! itâs so good!!#i enjoy 10 because heâs my favourite wet cat but also because he is allowed to fill up room like a real traumatised individual would#itâs like . okay i enjoy âooo the doctor is the oncoming storm ooo heâs hurt and killed so many people oooâ#but itâs also good to See the actual ramifications of that shit you know . hearing about his legend status is always fun but damn man#is it satisfying from a character analysis POV to see him hurt the people around him . to see him treat his friends poorly on accident#because of his own character flaws . like thatâs GOOD#and it just sorta irks me sometimes bc people will have this smug attitude of âwell MY blorbo isnât a rude piece of shit and is actually a#paragon of moralityâ and like girl i donât give a shit . thatâs fine in small doses but itâs not whatâs compelling#people tend to like interacting with âangsty traumatised edgy charactersâ if their edginess is contained in a nice little box that doesnât#overspill . fuck no give me the characters that are loud and ugly and unpleasant about their trauma THATâS THE REAL SHIT#jay rambles#dw.txt#10.txt#marthaj.txt#sometimes u wanna treat the blorbo from your show like a real person sure but sometimes it is better to remember that they are fictional#and there to be considered as part of a bigger story and as an item to analyse . case in poiny#point#maybe i shouldnât be surprised by this though since people still get hung up over rose quartz
3 notes
·
View notes
Text
.
#tw eating issues#kinda funny how sometimes it takes like 3 of my friends yelling at me for me to get up and go get food#like at this point I'm just doing it for attention i think#i need constant assurance that my friends still care about me so i make them worry#tf is wrong with me actually#so much for being the therapist of the group#when I'm making my friends worry over me on purpose#In other news in the past 24hrs I've eaten like 5 handfuls of lychee and slept for 4 hours at most#great job me. amazing selfcare. really good at following what you preach here/sarc#I'm in the kitchen but I'm actively not hungry. or. my stomach is hungry but my mouth is not. if that makes any sense#i need to cook for new years tonight and instead im just sitting here cause standing up makes me dizzy#that's probably a side effect of not sleeping#whoops#oversharing o'clock#tw vent#mutuals if you see this: no you don't
3 notes
·
View notes
Text
.
#thinking about how i was in portland yelling at you in a bar bathroom about how much you hurt me#thinking about how i stayed up till 4am when i was in California to talk about how much we missed each other while you worked night shift#thinking about how i used to message you on lunch breaks and on my walks home and wake up early to your good mornings#thinking about how you were such a huge part of my life for so long. and then you just weren't.#thinking about how your absence from my life became so much larger than your presence was#it's been years of the on and offs and even though I'm so much better now i can't leave you entirely in the past#i still want to cry sometimes thinking about you.#you treated me like i was disposal the last time we talked and I've never been angrier at you.#but here i am still thinking about you wondering if you still think about me#personal#đ#lol all too well just came on shuffle bc of course it did
0 notes
Text
I'm very bad at 3d thinking to the point I sometimes struggle to put on a jacket right and now every night I have to figure out how to put a damn cpap mask on
it's 3 God damn straps you'd think it'd be easy
nope
#i can do stuff as long as im not thinking about it#sometimes if i think about putting on a sock too hard ill get vertigp and need to stop and like. recalibrate.#sometimes ill need to like. lay or sit down depending on the thing.#its so god damn frustrating#any way this post brought to you by ne thinking to myself 'just put the damn thing on you can always adjust things back'#im 2 below max humidity on it and i gotta talk to the pharmacist abt it but my ent wants me to have it on like. mac so.#tempted but scared#also another thing abt why the fuck was i just yelled at for it when my brither got support:#tying my shoelaces! i got yelled at for not being able to figure it out at the right age and my brother got velcro#well into his late teens :^) <- screaming#everything lately had been triggering my trauma and it ssoooo fucking annoying#let me be happy about a memory of my grandmother instead of sending me into a spiral about my past#and how im a bad person for long redacted ramble
0 notes
Text
hot take I shouldnât be allowed to be scared
#Send post !!!!#(Bombed a quiz and I feel like Iâm gonna get yelled at(I will cry and feel worse about it))#(And also just daily interactions with cis boys my age have me terrified of what they truly think of me !!!!)#Today is not a splendid day#Vent#ish#Idk Iâm mostly freaking over the guy thing#Cuz someone I kinda know moved to my table and stuff and like. Was engaging in conversation with me specifically despite me working on stuf#And being visibly very stressed. And I know that heâs like one of /those/ guys who are a little weird in a bad way !!! So Iâm a bit worried#And also thereâs this other guy I know and idk if Iâm overthinking the way normal people act but like every time I walk past him#Or into the room heâs in. He just. stares at me ??? Like I canât make out his facial expression cuz I suck at that and also I avoid looking#At him and all but like. Why. Do you do that. All the time. I literally hate you sometimes leave me alone#Idk maybe Iâm overthinking maybe Iâm rightfully a bit weary around my cis guy peers#I just needed to express. Whatever this is. Bye I have work to do </3
1 note
·
View note