#and how im a bad person for long redacted ramble

[narutomaki]

I'm very bad at 3d thinking to the point I sometimes struggle to put on a jacket right and now every night I have to figure out how to put a damn cpap mask on

it's 3 God damn straps you'd think it'd be easy

nope

[lightbulb-warning]

[MAJORLY uncoherent anecdotal storytine:]

entertainment value: mild

cw: blood exams (not described in detail), vague mentions to struggles that aren't elaborated on, tmi personal rambling written by someone who is loopy from blood loss aka bad grammar/syntax/morphology/yeah also this got long whoops

im feeling mega loopy cuz blood exam (dundnt faint!! how outstanding of me. iamcurrently instanding. batumtssk!!i lie down now.)

but AT the blood exam a newer nurse stopped by and my usual nurse was like "PIVELLA meet [redacted <- (me. im redacted.)] this kid is a STAPLE in this department bla bla" and wow mom look im famius!! it only took me getting my blood displaced and stared at medically and faintinf a lot very often hshahahaah

the usual nurse is so NICE she's been doing my blood check traslocations since ive been like 15 i think maybe earlier?? idk idk i love her she's so nice and a kickass lady and she bullies all her coworkers and also me a lot!!! bully as in teasing she's nice yeah anyway yeah

me having to get my blood checked often is really inconvenient and kinda sucks!!! because i get koed and fuck if i can do anything for the next 24hs blegh but but BUT this lady has seen my grow up and seenbthe fuck up my life became and is seeing me pick up the peices abd whenever she sees me in the waiting room she shouts "its YOU" very dramatically and the staff has inside jokes about me and my dumv unoptimezed blood stats and thats REALLY NICE SOBS

like i dont wanna make a fable moral out of it like live love kaugh kindess uwu because realistacally, when i was fucked up previously (in the way that was bad compared to how i am fucked up now. funny joke. laugh.) i didn't gove two shits about people being nice to me because i was a massive hater and hated myself most (loser behavior!!!! the world hates you already love yourself out of SPITE!!!!!!!!!!) so people going out of their way to make a horrible situation slightly less horrible for me COMPLETELY went over my head "broom broom autopilot kill crush destroy ourselves!!!" (<- that's what my head looked like.ew there's no whimsy and silly in there, gross!! jk baby me gets the reatroactive love myself treatment bc noone els ecan do that for me!! what was i saying) and yeah i wasn't neurobiologically capable of giving two shits about anything, especially some random nurse going out of her way to crack jokes but idk i appreciated now!!! and she realizes i appreciate it now!!! and it's nothing big or grandiose i guess the world is still turning and nothing in the essential state of things changes bc i did a navelgazey testimony of WOW SOMETIMES THINGS CAN BE OKAY OCASSIONALLY HOLY SHIT?? but also!!! if i don't do it!!!!!!! who will!!???????

aesop would prolly write about foxes and grapes and terracotta pottery and crows and things being okay with time, but ME, a certified "just some guy", is gonna ramble about " it's gonna be okay" semantics because its!! been!! bullshit!! BUT THAT'S OKAY!!!!

shit got SO MUCH worse than what i could've imagined in my catastrophation!!!!!! id wasted my life preparing and planning for all the plans Ds and Gs and Js and Zs because my situation was FUCKED and i didn't have power to fix it, and too bad!!! SHIT HAPPENS AND IT SUCKS!!! time isn't gonna fix SHIT!!!!!! time is just a tracker of when!!! time does no good time does no harm!!!! what time did give my stupid fucking idiot idiot lovely self was time to change!!! not in just "omg change your perspective ✨" (which can be really really really important!! but you shouldn't take anyone's shit just because you see their perspective!!!! no you don't deserve to be treated like shit!!!!!! they don't deserve to get away with treating anyone like shit!!!!! what makes you so special that the world's evil needs to converge upon you?? you're just some guy!! they're just some guy!!! you be nice to you!!)

time is just there!! what does get okay with time is being!!! your enemy is no longer gonna cause you stress once you outlive them!!! you can be better than your yesterday self at any time!!! life goes on if you fuck up everything and you CAN do whatever you want with the peices!!! FAIL!!! FEAR!!! if we're scared we do it scared!!! it's not gonna be okay because its gonna be perfect, it's gonna be okay because it CAN be different!!

im still not """""fixed""""" , im still screwing things up and i still don't really understand what exactly is """""wrong""""" with me and that's okay for now, and hey!! i am capable of having a nice interaction with someone!!!! that's progress.

massive tangent lmao

local tumblr user gets some blood consensually stolen, has a positive interaction with someone, goes home and starts preaching at [unidentified recipient] jesus fucking christ maiora go to sleep this isn't the time for monologues

tl;dr: someone was nice to me just to be nice and im happy because i wouldn't have been able to appreciate it previously and it's nice to see people being nice for the sake of it

im nap now buh bye thanks for reading have a night or day!!!! be nice to you i can't do that for you!!! /lh

<3

[backalley-requests]

Hello, could I please get a Disney and Harry Potter Ship? I’m a straight female. I’m very short (5’0) and chubby. I’m very shy and quiet when I first meet someone, but one you get to know me im talkative and loud. I often talk way to fast. I have a short temper and can get annoyed very easily, and I’m very argumentative (I love proving people wrong). My hobbies include reading and writing, and I could talk for hours about things that I am passionate about!

Yeah no problem!! Thank you for sending in a request! I’m sorry it took a while and I hope you enjoy it!!!

I ship you with.....

Disney

Prince Naveen

The two of you bump heads a lot, especially in the early days. He got on your nerves all the time over his ego and you couldn’t stand how full of himself he was. At this point, he loves when you pop off on people, especially since you’re always so quiet around strangers. There’s something about you speaking your mind and putting others in their place that he loves.

You’re both great storytellers. You just have different mediums. He tells stories through song and music, always oral telling. But you love writing them down in sweet words and decorating the stories to be remembered in perfect condition. It just means that he loves getting to read what you write and he adores sharing it with others. He also gets you into reading your stuff and dancing.

One of the first signs that he began to realize he was in love with you was when he realized he could listen to you talk for hours about all your hobbies and passions. He’s so used to wanting to be the center of attention and adored but you made him want to hear about something else. He also really encourages all of your passions and goes out of his way to support them.

You guys get into competitions and petty arguments to prove who is better at something. Both striving to prove the other wrong. In the end you’ve both learned a good handful of stuff from each other. Neither of you ever truly admit you were wrong but you say it in other ways. He taught you to be more comfortable in yourself and you taught him how to love reading. It goes both ways, and you can hold your own well against him.

The two of you run a public library, dividing the work evenly. You spend half the time getting to write, and he’ll read over your work and give you encouragement. It’s the most lively of a library that could possibly exist and manages to be comforting and warm even during the winter. It’s one of the things you two are most proud of making together and is a monument to what the two of you can accomplish when you take your determination and put it to good work.

He writes short stories for you. They are never any good but you love them nevertheless. It’s a staple present for whenever you’re down or stressed out. He’s improved throughout the years but never sees his own improvements. 

“Just admit you’re wrong.”

“Does it look like I’m in any position to do that?” Naveen asked.

You wore a solid smirk on your face, it was smug and it drove him nearly insane. Mostly because he knew you were right and he didn’t want to admit it. “I love you, but this isn’t going to get fixed any time soon at the rate you’re going. It’s hopeless, my love. Maybe we should just head back to town and get a mechanic to come look at it.” The car on the side of the road had steam coming up from it and nearly an hour after this happened Naveen was still at work. You didn’t know anything about cars and you weren’t about to pretend that you did. Naveen on the other hand? Refused to give up and while it started off as kind of sweet it quickly devolved into a mess.

“I know what I’m doing, I think the problem is probably this,” his hand grasped something in the hood of the car, “part,” it broke off and stayed in his hand as he took a step back.

Naveen realized you were right as he sat back in the car with a sigh. “Alright, so maybe I’m not a mechanic. You have to admit though, it was a little charming how hard I tried.” He grinned wildly at you as you crossed your arms over your chest and faked some annoyance

“I’m pretty sure charming is one of those attributes you can’t really apply to yourself.” You sighed and then smiled softly, “let’s just head back to town. You can brag more about your chivalry along the way, if it pleases you.”

It a moment the sky turned dark, grey clouds coating it as the sun was blurred out. A moment later it began to rain. And it poured. “On second thought, maybe we should just camp out here until it clears up” you redacted.

Naveen smirked, accepting his fate quickly. “Well in that case you’re very lucky to be stuck with someone so charming as handsome as me.”

Harry Potter Series

George Weasley

He always brings out the fun in you. At first you seemed shy and quiet but in less than no time you were reluctantly pulled into pranks and before you knew it were willingly apart of them.

You two first meet when you fall victim to one of his pranks. You really thought you hated him in that moment and wasted no time breaking that sweet little girl persona you had when you got angry and told him off. It was hard to stay mad after a while because it was clear to you that George felt horrible about what happened. You weren’t exactly the intended target.

The two of you are so creative and really mesh well together. While you aren’t the best at actually building contraptions you have such a good creative eye and are necessary in creating a good idea for his shop and any of its merchandise. Half the stuff he makes comes from bouncing ideas off of you and you fill the void his brother used to fill.

He started off attempting to pull you out of your shell, something he does for a few people. However the more he got to know the real you the more he fell for you. Fred pestered him about your relationship and eventually, he confessed. Becoming a catalyst for a new mission between the two of them to get you to fall for George.

You were the only person who could pull him back into reality after Fred died. It nearly destroyed your relationship as he fought against your best efforts and you fought back. When the dust settled, you both were all the stronger for it, and he was able to get the help he needed.

He thinks you’re just the cutest thing ever, you’re small and chubby and he can’t get enough of you. You, of course, fight back against his claims but he never relents. He loves just sitting and staring at you as you ramble on for hours about things your passionate about. Sometimes you question if he’s even listening he can recount almost every detail you’ve spoken.

“You know sometimes I miss the days when you were quiet,” George teased as he nudged your side softly. You had spent the past hour delving into your new current obsession. It was actually pretty adorable, he had to admit.

You blushed, feeling embarrassed slightly abojt it. “If you missed them so much then why did you make such an effort to get me to talk at all.” Despite the minor setback you bounced back quickly with a retort, your arms crossed over your chest. You tilted your head up in a pout and looked away.

“Because I didn’t realize you were a siren. Only you could make me sit still for an hour on a lecture about a book— and make it sound interesting.” George complimented you. “Think of all the other stuff we could have done in that hour, yet I spent it all learning about an entirely different world. Have to admit, you got me good though.”

You bit your bottom lip and hesitated, maybe you had gone on a slight rant. As you glanced over at the time it you immediately realized how late it had gotten. “I—” you tried to speak but decided to stop. Had you kept him here too long? Were you really such a bother? “Sorry.” You lowered your head to hide your face.

It shattered George on impact. “You don’t have to apologize!” His face was a bright red. “I got carried away myself just listening to you. You’re just so cute! I didn’t mean it in a bad way.” The two of you were just friends at the time. Just friends, you had to remind yourself on several occasions. But, unbeknownst to you, he had the same talk with himself every night.

The two of you were in a weird zone where every word spoken by the other was clung to for dear life. Even now, you panicked at the idea of upsetting him and he panicked at the fact that his joke came off wrong. Both of you were bumbling fools in an instant. “Oh! I’m sorry! I just thought you meant—“

“I didn’t to swear!” George said shortly.

Your faces were both a bright burning red. In your mind you kept replaying the like— you’really just so cute. Did he really think that about you? Was it just a slip of the tongue. “Did you mean it?”

“Which part?”

There was a tension thick within the air. “That I’m cute?” The silence became deafening but was cut off as a pair of arms wrapped around both of your necks, pulling you closer together.

“There you guys are!” Fred, unmistakable, was behind you guys and clearly grinning. “I’ve been looking everywhere, I didn’t expect to find you guys in the library.”

You and George stared at each other for a moment, blushing like mad. He never did get to answer your question that night.

[mercenarypark]

medic hcs

Em made a big hc post for heavy a few days ago [here] and ive been meaning 2 finally do the same w/ medic bcause im gay

note: while i try to be brief about the details, this post is about a gay jewish man in Germany during wwii. to set aside any initial worries, no, he is never kept in the camps- as a jewish person myself it sickens me deep in my stomach to even think of that possibility. but there’s still mentions of n/zism and antisemitism, as one would expect.

also, a fair amount of the details of my medic hcs for his childhood are based on the german side of my family, primarily my grandfather and his father. while i still only know a little about my family history[tm], details like medic’s last name, how his family were able to lay low, etc, are based on the little bits and pieces ive heard from my grandmother #antisemitism #nazism #homophobia #transphobia #satanism #long post #text heavy #tf2 #gore text #medical abuse #malpractice #experimentation mention 

-Medic was born roughly around 1925- he’s in his early 40s around when the game takes place- to the name [redacted] Reichstein. the Reichsteins were reviled in their little town as mad doctors, which was at least somewhat true- they certainly weren’t shy to experimentation on body parts and [willing] subjects. but a good part of the hatred for them stemmed from Good Old Antisemitism, focusing their hate on the fact that they were an openly jewish family and saying that that must be influencing their occasionally morally dubious behavior

-for the longest time, though, people tolerated them- they were the only doctors around, after all. but as time went on, the disgusted glances turned to hate speech, turned to violent threats, and eventually, to violent actions.

-medic’s father, who had long since been debating on moving, finally packed the family up[against his wife’s wishes], and within a night, their home and lab were deserted.

-his father could tell that something terrible was coming. he brought down an ultimatum- they would have to abandon everything jewish about themselves in order to survive. medic was young, still, and didn’t fully understand the severity of why his father seemed so adamant that they never mention holidays they once celebrated, why their old family photos were torn and burned, why his mother was constantly reprimanded when her Yiddish roots showed through her accent

-medic’s father pulled a few favors, and before they moved into a new city, the family name was changed to Reich- a more acceptable, more German name. Reichstein could raise eyebrows, lead to questioning about jewish roots, but there have always been many Reichs in Germany.

-that’s also when Medic got his birthname changed to Ludwig, and he and his mother had to fight like hell for that. his father argued that the last thing they needed was another target on their back- if anyone found out that his son “wasn’t really a boy”, then that would bring the entire family under scrutiny and into danger.

-ludwig refused to take no for an answer. ludwig had always been someone who would rather die than pretend that he’s something he’s not, and this was one of the first signs of that. while he didnt fully understand his connection to judaism, yet, and thus didnt fight to keep it at the time; he DID understand that he wasn’t a girl, and by God did he refuse to pretend otherwise.

-eventually his father relented, though he never once forgot and throughout medic’s childhood, he would bring up how risky it was, how medic was potentially endangering them all.

-to clarify: his father DID technically accept his son being transgender, but he wanted him to repress it, ignore it, force it down and never bring it up, much like their jewish heritage. ludwig refused, and his father never liked that. [when ludwig grew older and became both openly gay AND became a practicing jew again, his father nearly had a fucking heart attack]

-ludwig was heavily isolated for most of his childhood after they moved, partially due to the war’s beginning, partially because his father was afraid of his son giving something away. he was homeschooled by his mother, and rarely left the house, instead spending most of his time playing with the family’s cockatoo, or in his father’s operating room, learning human anatomy

-this isolation[alongside his autism, and veritable cocktail of mental illnesses] helped contribute to medic’s general inability to understand how to interact with people- he is oblivious at the best of times, has no concept of personal space, rarely catches social cues, and has Awful attachment issues. he is overly affectionate with anyone he is even vaguely friendly with, he tends to ramble and talk about uncomfortably personal things without realizing its a bad thing, etc, etc, he is a mess and a half

-he does understand bits and pieces- for example, if he’s physically affectionate with someone, they tend to tense up, and try to get away from him, which means he’s doing something wrong. the problem is that he doesnt understand WHAT he’s doing wrong, or why it’s wrong[answer: he’s covered in blood and bird shit and holding at least one[1] human liver]

-speaking of physical affection, the first time engineer affectionately puts a hand on medic’s shoulder medic fucking freaks out because aside from his parents, NO ONE. no one has ever initiated Friendly Physical Contact with him. usually because theyre freaked out by him in some way. he has no idea how to cope with the fact that someone might actually think of him in a friendly manner to the point of expressing that physically [aside from sexually, which is a whole other story and a half]

-but im getting ahead of myself. the first time ludwig killed a man was when he was 17. a nazi soldier paid an unexpected visit to the Reichs. ludwig, scared for his family’s sake and overwhelmed with a boiling hatred for nazis that had simmered for all of his childhood, killed the man

-his father reacted violently, ranting that now they were doomed, but his mother helped ludwig destroy the body and evidence. by the grace of God, no other nazi followed up that visit- the soldier hadn’t told anyone where he was going, and there had been no witnesses to his visit. and germany was so chaotic at the time, that eventually the man's death was attributed to a previously unnoticed casualty in battle

-that was the first man ludwig killed, and also the first of many, many nazis. he spent a good stretch of his adult life hunting down nazis who had gone under the radar, trying to hide their past ties while still keeping the same disgusting views.

-as ive mentioned, in medical school, ludwig not only became openly gay, but returned to his jewish roots. no longer under his father's roof, and now that the war was over, medic saw no reason to hide aspects of himself any longer. and God help everyone who felt otherwise. especially once the most violently hateful dissenters, began to mysteriously disappear.

-throughout his adult life medic has had Multiple short term, non-serious relationships [including more than his fair share of one night stands], and maybe two serious relationships prior to heavy. neither of those ended well, citing ludwigs mental Fuckery as a big issue. speaking of, his mental fuckery has helped him get into at least a couple abusive relationships, which i wont detail beyond "he survived and healed".

-while he is Jewish, he is the kind of jew who criticizes god every step of the way. at least part of this is due to having to survive during the Shoah.

-the Shoah definitely fucked his mind up. the constant fear for his parents and himself, and the burning hatred for the nazis and everyone who agreed with them or stood back and let them take over, and just overall a horrible sense of helplessness, definitely contributed to a lot of his future mental fuckery, and to his feelings about God. as an adult, and as a doctor, he took the feeling of helplessness he had as a teenager, and flipped it around dramatically- if god didnt help him then, he’d have to become better than god. he would bring retribution where others didnt, and bring power and life to those god would not help.

-he sold his soul to satan sometime around his mid-30s. [this is a sentence that sounds really fucking weird if u dont know much about tf2.] there are a few reasons behind that, but im only gonna talk about one:

-as i've said, medic spent a lot of time murdering nazis who had tried to go into hiding. that's difficult when theyre trying very, very hard to cover up their past. medic struck a deal with satan- in exchange for the names, aliases, and locations of ex-nazis in hiding, he would kill them and send them straight to hell. his soul was just to sweeten the deal.

-ludwig does a Lot of experiments on captured and dead nazis, especially the painful ones. the ol' "removing a patient's skeleton" story was of a nazi officer medic had caught, and medical licence or not, ludwig would do it again in an instant

-medic's flock of homing pigeons, stolen from a wedding van, are like family to him. the original, stolen generation had more pretentious names, as named by their previous owner- mostly well known scientists and philosophers[Archimedes, Newton, Nietzsche, etc]. most of the pigeons he named himself have biblical, jewish names [Mordecai, Elijah, Rebecca, etc]

-ludwig is absolutely never prim, proper, or orderly. if he is wearing a coat that DOESNT have blood and bird shit on it, wait 5 minutes and check again

-he has a tendency to hyperfocus on something and forget things like "humans need food and water to live". heavy usually helps him remember

-medic snores. loudly. and it sounds fucking awful. heavy is, sadly, a very light sleeper. it takes a loooong time for him to finally be able to sleep through medic's snoring, and it winds up being one of the only things he actually CAN sleep through. god help you if you step on a creaky board halfway down the hall, though, because heavy will wake up in an Instant

-if tf2 were in modern times, ludwig's music taste would include a Lot of kesha, klezmer music, black metal, and so on. its varied, is what im saying

-medic, pyro, and soldier all get along surprisingly well together, because they all have a case of "same brain? same brain!", all of them have issues dealing with other people and have problems with processing/understanding things, have trouble w/ psychotic episodes and the like, overall their minds are all wired oddly but somehow they can understand /each other/

-scout accidentally becomes medic's unofficial adopted daughter and thats a whole post and a half on its own. suffice to say medic would do anything for her

-engie, demo, and medic are all Science Gays

-medic also does his best to help demo with his Absolutely Massive Amounts of Trauma and Self Loathing, by at least being a supportive shoulder to lean on when demo tries to drink himself unconscious to forget it all. hes absolutely terrible most of the time at actually saying anything to help, but he can be a good presence, and he has birds. birds help anything

-he has a very casual fling going with spy, since early on in their time at the base. its usually in a state of "on-again off-again", with the latter usually having something to do with how spy acts with scout.

-obviously theres a lot i could say about heavy and medic's relationship, but to put it briefly- theres a loooong time where both of them are "i dont understand social interaction" gays.

-medic is the "i literally dont understand how to act around people im attracted to or that me being extremely overaffectionate around you is due to the fact that im falling in love with you, i dont catch your vague hints towards the fact that you feel the same about me because you literally need to hit me over the head with something in order to get me to catch onto it" gay

-heavy is the "i have spent so many years repressing so much of myself and keeping quiet and not drawing attention to myself, that i physically cannot bring myself to be up front about the fact that im attracted to you. im also afraid of misintepreting signals and i am instead going to assume your over-affectionate attitude is platonic and i am misreading things" gay

-eventually they figure things out and its good and soft and gay

ok its 3 AM and ive been writing on this for at least an hour and a half and i told Em i would go to bed by now dhgfkhhj