#I’d rather have fun for myself than be miserable for strangers <3< /div> Explore tagged Tumblr posts

[cr0wc0rpse]

Kind of funny and fascinating how when I go out and about I get compliments on my outfits from the people working at whatever store I’m in or from middle aged people (specifically regarding my Depeche Mode shirt tbh) but people my age or younger just call me a faggot

[captain-joongz]

A little show

Pairing: Min Yoongi x f!reader

Genre: uni au, pure smut with a dash of plot, some fluff, strangers to lovers

Word count: 9.6k

Summary: Who knew that getting off in the uni bathroom to get away from the world's most boring lecture could lead to getting absolutely railed by a cute postgrad student... but third time's the charm, right?

Warnings: slight exhibitionism, masturbation in a public bathroom, sex in a public bathroom (for once they're even using condoms lol), yoongi is a little shit but he'll rock your world, dirty talk, slight choking kink, dom-ish yoongi, who am i kidding he's a fucking beast, fingering, backshots, rough sex, some begging, biting and marking, they literally don't talk to each once before fucking

A/N: oof this was totally unplanned but i cannot be held responsible for anything after seeing the d-day concert movie, this is all yoongi's fault. also it ends surprisingly fluffy for the filth that's contained within

credit for the divider to @saradika-graphics, thank you so much <3

I blinked rapidly, trying to keep myself awake while the lecturer droned on, his nervous slightly stuttering voice carrying through the classroom and lulling everyone into a half-asleep haze. Every Tuesday I had to sit through 90 minutes of this man stumbling through every topic, trying to connect with the classroom full of people while anxiously stepping around the whiteboard projecting his presentation.

I was fully understanding, this was his first year teaching and he still hasn’t shaken off the stage fright, but that didn’t stop me from wishing I had never enrolled into this class and rather spent the time doing literally anything else. It didn’t help that it was an afternoon lecture, dragging on until 5PM, which was usually the time I was already completely fried.

I looked around, noting the other students similarly fighting off sleep or browsing internet on their notebooks, some valiantly still trying to keep their attention on the lecturer and failing miserably. I watched the girl in the row in front of me order a cute sweater, deliberating between two colours for about ten minutes before choosing strawberry pink. I approved.

My body was screaming from being bent over the desk in my boredom, back bent so crooked when I straightened out it cracked vertebra after vertebra like a xylophone from nightmares. I sighed, squirmed around, checked the time. Only 5 minutes have passed since I last looked. I barely suppressed a groan. I couldn’t sit still for longer than a minute, leaning back then pressing forward, folding and unfolding my legs, just trying to find a comfortable position to spend the next 40 minutes in and failing.

After 5 more minutes I reached a boiling point, playing with the thought of just booking it halfway through, but instead my unoccupied brain started entertaining itself by slipping into a territory that it deemed more fun. I started thinking about what I’d rather be doing, where I’d rather be, flushing slightly from embarrassment but surrendering to these thoughts as they presented at least some form of entertainment.

I made it barely 10 minutes before I was so painfully wet and aroused I definitely couldn’t make it through the lecture anymore. I had to do something about it, now.

I wasn’t shy about the fact that I occasionally enjoyed wanking in some more public spaces like bathrooms, the thrill of someone possibly coming in and having to keep quiet was getting to me. I didn’t indulge in it often, just when I got really bored and my brain immediately went to “let’s get off to entertain ourselves” instead of doing something normal like other people, just when I was sure there was only a slight chance of someone actually coming across me.

But thinking all that, I realised I’d never taken such liberty while I was in the uni building, probably just thinking about getting out of there as quickly as possible, but fuck, this lecture was getting to me. Somehow it felt more morally wrong than some other random ass places, but I deliberated on it. We were in a secluded corner of the building, it was really high and there was no elevator, the classrooms were smaller and above there was construction going on, which resulted in this place usually being totally deserted except for those unlucky souls that still had lectures here. I was pretty sure there was no other class going on here right now and the chance of someone from here going to the bathroom at the same time was slim.

On a whim I decided to take the risk, my body heating up knowing I was about to give in to the need. I quickly stood up, grabbed my phone and made my way outside. The hall was empty except for a single guy sitting by a table directly across from the bathroom door, but I figured it would be fine. He was wearing headphones anyway, head bobbing to a beat I couldn’t hear and fingers nimbly clicking something on his laptop and toying with the mouse. I slipped past him quietly and went straight for the bathroom door.

Inside was quiet, as if cut off from the outside world, the only two toilets both empty and door wide open. I went to the further one, not that it made much difference with how small the room was, but it still made me feel a little better.

With the door closed and locked for better feeling of security, the excitement finally got the better of me and I rushed to stick my hand into my skirt to pull down my tights and panties, fingers immediately finding the slick folds.

I bent over, the stall small enough to allow me to lean on my elbow on one wall while my ass pressed into the other, fingers going straight for my clit and wasting no time in pressing on it and circling it desperately. Quiet sighs of pleasure spilled from my lips, body trembling with pleasure heightened by the fact I was in a public space.

I barely even touched myself and I could already feel how fucked out I was getting, knees shaking and the pleasure mounting dangerously fast. In my mind I imagined myself bent over the toilet and a warm presence behind me, getting fucked good, strong hands gripping my waist hard, pulling me back on the cock like a toy while telling me to shut up, laughing at me while I bit my fist trying not to let the whole university know how good I was feeling.

My orgasm was approaching embarrassingly quickly, the pad of my finger furiously toying with my clit while my knees were shaking with the mounting pressure waiting to snap. I was so wet I felt my juices dripping down my thighs, dripping onto my hand and making my finger slip all the time as I tried to get myself to cum as fast as possible.

That didn’t seem to be that hard as I could already feel myself hurling towards the edge, cunt spasming around nothing, desperately wishing to be filled, as my ass pressed harder into the wall and my back arched. I could feel a little cramp starting up in my wrist, but I didn’t let up, keeping the pace on my clit as I felt the start of an intense orgasm, the sensation bursting through me like a tornado and I let out a moan muffled into the crook of my elbow. My knees buckled with the force of it and thank god that I was still leaning on the wall otherwise I would have for sure fallen down.

My whole body relaxed, thighs and knees still shaking as I tried to get my breathing back under control. The bathroom was suddenly eerily quiet now that there wasn’t blood rushing through my ears and I wasn’t blinded by my own ecstasy, and I flushed in embarrassment but still couldn’t stop myself from a little joyful giggle leaving my lips in breathless wonder.

I took my time getting myself back into order, cleaning myself up and righting my clothes again. I was in there for only about 15 minutes, so there was no reason to rush. I did notice that my legs had a little boneless swagger to them as I suddenly went from high strung in boredom to perhaps a little too relaxed, a stupid little grin pulling at my lips as I swayed my hips leisurely.

But that changed the moment I walked back out onto the hall. The second I was out of the bathroom I immediately found myself in direct eye contact with the sole student sitting out there. I only had a second to note he was very attractive before I realised he was watching me with the air of amusement, eyes darkening and a smirk forming on his lips as he leaned back and gave me a once over.

I flushed under his heavy gaze, freezing like a deer in headlights. It was obvious he knew what I’d been doing in there, something in my demeanour must have given me away. His tongue darted out to wet his lips, his eyes lingering on my hands clutched together before amused grin set onto his face.

I broke out from the daze suddenly and set into motion again, escaping his hungry eyes and entertained aura, hurriedly scurrying back into the classroom where I sat stewing in my own shame for the rest of the lecture.

When I walked back out after we were dismissed, the hall was empty, to my great relief.

“Come on, you should come tomorrow at least for a little bit,” Jungkook whined, pouting at me and hands tugging at the sleeve of my shirt. I gave him an unimpressed look, firmly resistant to his charms, which probably made me the only person in the world that was capable of that.

“I told you Kookie, I’m not feeling it this week,” I said for the fifteenth time that day, “Maybe next time.” The dance major cutely stomped his foot and tugged on my sleeve again. His wild hair flailed around with the wind, probably getting into his eyes, but he ignored it in favour of annoying me.

“But the next party won’t be for god knows how long,” he whined, giving me his ultimate puppy eyes and blinking cutely, “Come on Y/N, you need to let go a little.” Now, I would lie if I wasn’t swayed a little bit, but the exhaustion was weighing on me and I was looking forward to just having a quiet evening in ignoring all of my responsibilities and pretending I have no essays due and there aren’t any deadlines I was missing.

“I’m sorry Kook,” I softened my tone a little to convey I truly was apologetic, smiling at him gently, “I promise I will definitely go to the next party.” The man brightened and straightened out, letting go of me and setting out on the sidewalk leading out of the campus.

“I have your word! No takebacks!” he shouted excitedly and I ran after him laughing. I knew he wouldn’t let me forget it, so I just resigned myself to going to the next party even though I quite disliked them. I had nothing against partying, but I just preferred to go clubbing and dancing, not spend my evening sitting on a stained couch in someone’s living room listening to total strangers get zoinked out of their minds and talk about assignments. But I would go for Kookie. Just once though.

We walked side by side for a moment, just enjoying the awakening spring. It was still pretty cold outside, but the sun shone more often and the temperatures were enough to wear just a light jacket instead of coats with shawls, so I soaked in the atmosphere. People were beginning to filter outside, sitting around on the green grass, talking and studying, and it was nice to see.

Looking around I suddenly froze, standing still in the middle of the path while Kook continued for a few more strides before he realised I wasn’t following. He gave me a confused look, but I was already fighting an embarrassed blush and didn’t pay him much mind.

On the grass by a big tree was quite a familiar looking student, his long wavy dark hair similarly pushed around by the wind as he bobbed his head to music presumably playing in his headphones. He was wearing all black, standing out as a sore thumb in contrast with the green lit up by sun, but he was fully engrossed in his laptop and paid no attention to anything going on around him.

“Hey Kookie,” I called out to my friend, finally looking at him, “Do you know who that guy is?” I discreetly pointed in the man’s direction, hoping I wouldn’t draw anybody’s attention by being a fucking weirdo. Jungkook was a social butterfly despite his shyness and he seemed to know half the university (probably a side effect of hanging out with Jimin all the time), even people from majors that had nothing in common with his, so I was pretty confident he would be able to correctly identify the menace of my life.

“Who?” he started confusedly looking around, eyes jumping around the students just living their lives. I tried pointing again, hoping he would see where I meant without having to outstretch my arm fully. “There, that guy in the black sitting under that tree.”

Jungkook’s eyes finally locked onto his figure and a recognition immediately lit up his face. I chuckled. Of course he did know him.

“Oh sure!” he exclaimed, “that’s Yoongi hyung. He’s a little bit university famous.” I looked at him in shock and then glanced back to the expressionless man sitting on the lawn.

“Famous? Famous how?” I pressed for more info, this time it was me who way playing up the cute act, hanging onto Jungkook’s arm and batting my eyelashes at him. He gave me an amused smile, seeing right through me.

“Well, he’s handsome and yet cool and mysterious, girls love that shit,” Kook played it up, flipping his hair sassily and fluttering his lashes, making me scoff at him amusedly, “Plus he’s a rapper and sometimes performs in the local clubs and bars, so he’s pretty popular.” I turned us away from the black-clad student who was still unaware of anything going on around him and pulled us back onto the path.

“I see,” I hummed noncommittally, not giving him any indication of why I would suddenly ask about Yoongi, but based on the amused looks Kookie was giving me, he must have had an inkling why the sudden interest.

“He’s actually in the same year as Joonie hyung, they’re interning together at the same studio,” Jungkook continued, keeping his eyes on me to gauge my reaction. I hummed again, not saying anything anymore and just sending him teasing looks.

“If you come to the party tomorrow, Yoongi’s for sure gonna be there,” Kookie mentioned seemingly casually, watching me out of the corner of his eyes as he pretended he didn’t care mischievously.

I only shot him a glare and pulled on his arm, leading us out of the campus towards the café where we were supposed to meet Jimin and Tae, Kookie’s friends who graciously adopted me into the group after I got befriended by the shy giant.

For the rest of the afternoon I could feel Jungkook’s eyes on me, his lips pulled into a barely concealed smile as he fought the impulse to tease me in front of the boys about what he must have thought was an embarrassing crush on the school’s resident heartthrob. I ostentatiously ignored him, only shooting him warning glares here and there to which he always responded with shit-eating grins. Jimin and Tae kept giving us confused and entertained glances but ultimately decided against asking what was going on, much to my relief.

God, if they only knew the truth about why Yoongi even was on my radar in the first place.

The next Tuesday I walked into the classroom again, fully determined to sit through the whole lecture and not move even an inch from my seat. This time I chose a chair in the back, where I could comfortably be on my phone and distract myself from the thoughts of last week, from the attractive man and his smirks. I wondered whether he was sitting there again today, listening to what I now assumed was his own music, laid-back and effortlessly hot. I began to squirm in my seat again, but I quickly tempered it down, scolding myself gently for having such a one-track mind.

Once again I made it through an hour and with 30 minutes left, I began to face a crisis. The boredom was getting to me and I needed to use the toilet, my bladder screaming for help and making me shift around on my chair in discomfort. I thought that I couldn’t really face the bathroom without getting extremely embarrassed, but in the end I lost the battle to nature and got up.

Only, stepping onto the hall, I looked up and lo and behold, there he was – Yoongi sitting peacefully by the window and clicking away on his computer, his big black headphones firmly on as always. The movement by the door must have registered at the corner of his field of vision and he eagerly looked up.

The moment his eyes laid on my figure, frozen once again in the hallway and heating up under his stare, he smirked widely like he won the lottery, leaning back and making himself comfortable on the chair. With his gaze following my every movement I hurried into the bathroom, cheeks blushing and knees turning into jelly.

On instinct I went to the furthest stall and locked the door behind me shakily. Having taken care of my business I paced the stall nervously, already feeling myself bend under the tension. I promised myself I wouldn’t do it again, knowing Yoongi was sitting outside fully aware of the nature of my little trip last week, but his demeanour, the winning smirk and dark eyes made me want to break that promise.

Embarrassingly enough, I could already feel myself getting wet again and I begun to lose the conviction to just walk away and go sit back into the classroom for another terrible 30 minutes. The thoughts of Yoongi waiting in the hallway, hungrily watching the bathroom door and thinking about me with my hand up my skirt were getting to me and I finally broke.

Swiftly pulling down my tights and underwear I didn’t waste anymore time in sticking my fingers between my folds, gathering the wetness and rubbing the swollen bud begging for attention. I couldn’t hold back the little sighs and moans of pleasure, my body hyper-sensitive and the lust coursing through my body more intense than I could remember ever feeling.

It didn’t take long before I was choking on the moans I desperately tried to stifle on my arm, knees shaking and close to buckling and pussy clenching on nothing, feeling so empty and so desperate for anything I was losing my mind.

And if I was deliriously cumming on my fingers only a moment later while imagining Yoongi fucking me roughly in the uni bathroom, that was only my business.

With trembling fingers I quickly cleaned myself up, blushing when I realised I was so wet the whole top of my thighs was covered in my sticky juices. Putting myself back together I rushed to scrub my hands clean and soon I was standing behind the door, taking a few deep breaths but the excitement still getting the better of me and I eagerly walked out, expectantly looking for Yoongi’s reaction with a little sly smile on my face.

And I was not disappointed.

The second I stepped out, his head snapped in my direction, confirming that he really was waiting for me to come out. His cheeks were also lightly dusted with pink from excitement, his eyes as dark as midnight with his pupils blown wide with lust. He immediately licked his lips, eyes raking over my form and taking in the shaky knees and trembling hips, the blush on my face, both from recovering from an orgasm and shyness, hair a mess and lips bitten red.

Yoongi suddenly stood up and I realised that he packed up his laptop and headphones, all his stuff probably stuffed into his neat backpack that hung off of his shoulder. He side-stepped from the table and leisurely made his way towards me, black dress pants nicely hugging his form, white tee tucked into them accentuating his slim waist and a thick black oversized shirt hanging off him in a way that made me slightly feral.

But there was something else he wanted me to see, and I clocked it as soon as he got close enough, cheeks absolutely blazing red and my pussy valiantly clenching again even after such an orgasm.

He was hard. When my eyes slid down again to appreciate how the pants fit him so perfectly they landed on an unmistakable bulge, the front of his pants tenting in a tell-tale sign of how much he enjoyed my little show. I gasped and suddenly all confidence sapped from my body and I was left aroused and aching, willing to do anything. He watched me with a mix of condescension and arousal, knowing how easily he won over me and loving how receptive I was to just a light teasing, how the blush spread down to my collarbones and my mouth opened subconsciously, eyes glazing over and brain no doubt filled only with the thoughts of his cock.

But with an arrogant smirk he passed right by me, heading for the door of the men’s bathroom. Only when he was halfway through the door, he threw me a look over his shoulder, winking at me and his grin turned wild and rough. Then he disappeared inside.

I was left in the hall gasping for air, body ravaged by tension and lust and head full of images of Yoongi standing in the bathroom stall and hurriedly yanking at his cock, the red tip wet with pre-cum, the liquid getting smeared all over his length by his eager hands trying to get himself to completion as fast as possible. I imagined him grunting, head thrown back and mouth open but still curled into that annoying smirk.

A door opened somewhere a little down the hall and a mess of voices flowed out, startling me out of my reverie and I realised I had been just standing in the middle of an empty hallway staring dumbly at the bathroom door. I felt the bashfulness catch up to me and it sprung me into movement. With one last look at the door I scurried back into the class and spent the last 15 minutes staring into the wall with flaming red cheeks.

When I walked out after the class ended, Yoongi was back to his place, sitting completely relaxed into his chair and grinning lazily when his eyes caught mine. I felt my whole body jerk with a bolt of lust, but I ducked my head and quickly ran down the stairs, rushing out of the building and towards the café where the boys were already waiting for me. Jungkook stared at my flustered face with an unreadable expression, and I let him think whatever he wanted, too preoccupied with fighting the image of Yoongi cumming all over himself just twenty minutes ago thinking of me masturbating just a wall over.

Later that week, after many orgasms, much deliberating and a whole lot of shame I decided I needed to hear his voice. I kept thinking back to how Jungkook mentioned he was in the same year and major as Namjoon and that he was a performing rapper, and I knew Namjoon put his stuff online. And if Yoongi really was a known name in the bar scene around the area, he must have too.

Asking Jungkook about his stage name would be too humiliating, so instead I decided to rake through Namjoon’s insta because he must have his friend’s account there somewhere, hoping Yoongi would forgive me a little social media stalking. Firstly I scrolled through Namjoon’s posted pictures, but he rarely tagged other people. Most of his pictures were of artworks or Joonie doing something silly and living his best life.

So I switched to the pictures that others tagged you in. It took a while, but I was able to see that most of them were from this guy Hoseok that I had seen around but haven’t really spoken to. I knew he was a double major because he did dance like Jungkook and Jimin, but I had never realised he was also in the same major and year as Namjoon. He seemed to post a lot from the studio, often with Joon hunched over his computer in the background, but after some digging I was able to find one that had them all in it.

It was also from the studio, it must have been the one the boys were interning in, presumably all of them together. Hoseok’s face was grinning in one corner as he was taking the selfie and even though it was dark, you could clearly see two men sitting at a table together and discussing something with serious looks on their faces. A laptop sat between them and one of them had his hand lying on the pause button. It was Yoongi and Joon. Only their side-profile could be seen in the photo, but it was unmistakably them. The description only said “hyung is scolding joonie again” but tapping on the photo it showed that both of them had been tagged. Bingo.

Yoongi’s account was full of mostly dark pictures, some from the same studio and some were of him on stage mid performance, but there weren’t as many as Namjoon and Hoseok had on theirs. I scanned some of them quickly, but even though he looked super hot and the photos were extremely well done, it wasn’t the reason of my searching.

I checked the name of the account again – it was Agust D. And there was a link in the bio. Without thinking I clicked it and was transported to Spotify, Yoongi’s entire career laid out clearly in front of my eyes in the form of three albums.

I spent the evening listening to them, letting his music wash over me and losing myself in the beat and the lyrics. No matter what I was looking for when I wanted to listen to it, I got everything and more. I suddenly understood all those star-struck students that according to Kookie trailed hopelessly after Yoongi, the man had a real talent and an aura that just sucked you right in, like a fly getting trapped in a very smug spider’s web.

His voice was surprisingly lower and rougher than I anticipated, the songs had no shortage of him growling or screaming, emotions pouring off of his voice in waves that just swept me along.

And I couldn’t wait to find out what he sounded like when he was getting his rocks off.

The next Tuesday I climbed those 4 floors of stairs confidently, wearing a short skirt and cute heels, gingerly picking a spot in the class that would allow me to slink off in the middle of the lecture again. Yoongi wasn’t sitting in the hallway yet, but I believed he’d show up soon enough.

The anticipation was coursing through my veins, making me jittery and giggly. From the corner of my eye I could see a classmate giving me a strange look, mouthing at me if I was okay and I nodded hurriedly, giving her a smile, hoping she wouldn’t pay any attention to me when I had to leave.

If the two lectures before were unbearable, this one took the cake. I could barely contain myself, squirming in my seat, trying to make myself comfortable while I checked the time every 2 minutes, wishing half the lecture had already gone by and always getting disappointed at how early it still was.

My mind was going into overdrive, feeding me ideas and fantasies, replaying last week’s encounter on loop. I couldn’t see anything except for Yoongi’s lopsided smirk planted firmly on his face as he made his way into the bathroom to jerk off, his face as he came thinking of me.

The minutes ticked by slowly, and I was absolutely losing my mind, thighs pressing together and hands tangled into the fabric of my skirt, bunching up the material. I made it 40 minutes before I grabbed my phone and sneaked out onto the hall.

Yoongi’s head shot up immediately, already sitting by the window waiting for something. This time I didn’t freeze up, instead I was the one who smirked at him and confidently walked up straight to the bathroom. He watched me raptly, something predatory glinting in his eyes as he leaned forward on the table. Couldn’t help but notice that today he didn’t have his laptop out, he just sat there and watched me, but I moved forward not giving it much thought.

I raised my eyebrow at him and winked right as I disappeared into the bathroom, the door falling shut behind me and sealing me inside in the calm and quietness. I rushed to the furthest stall, shutting the door behind me but not bothering to lock, too horny to think clearly.

I couldn’t believe this was getting to me so much, but the moment I managed to slide my tights low enough and ran my hand through my folds, I was already so wet it was astonishing. I laughed at myself in disbelief as my finger found my clit and circled it. Who would have thought this would become my weekly routine, jerking off in the bathroom while a guy I’ve never even talked to sat outside smirking.

But not today it turned out.

Just as pleasure began coursing through me at the ministrations, pleasured sighs leaving me freely as I got cocky not getting caught until now and the squelching of my wet pussy getting played with rang through the quiet space. Then, I heard the door open.

Immediately I froze, hand stopping but still stuck between my thighs. Slow silent footsteps made their way towards the stalls and I hoped whoever this person was, they would take care of their business quickly and leave right afterwards, but they seemed to be taking this in a really leisurely manner. I was holding my breath, counting the seconds, ears straining to catch any kind of sound coming from them.

“Don’t stop on my account, kitten,” a gruff voice suddenly piped up, the footsteps stopping right outside my stall. Relief and lust rushed through me at his appearance and I couldn’t hold back a desperate whimper, the fingers on my clit going back to work. There was a chuckle behind the door and then he was pushing it open.

I must have been a sight, underwear and tights pushed under my ass, skirt bunched up around my hips, bent over with my back arched leaning on the wall as I desperately played with myself, mouth open and eyes glazed over.

Yoongi’s eyes raked over me and he hummed lowly in appreciation. He made his way in lazily, shutting and locking the door behind him before leaning on it and just watching for a moment. I tried to put on a show for him but I was truly gone, the three weeks of built up arousal carrying me high and my body racing towards the edge in record speed.

I watched him back, watched his dark hungry eyes, his tongue peeking out to wet his upper lip, the way his hands flexed by his hips, twitching with the need to grab himself. I could see his bulge clearly, the tight black jeans barely able to contain it, and I was going crazy for it. When my eyes jumped back to Yoongi’s face, he was smirking at me knowing where I’d been staring at. What I wanted.

Suddenly he pushed himself away from the door and stepped towards me. Startled I straightened out, fingers stopping once more. He descended on me hurriedly, pushing me into the wall with his body, caging me in. Our faces were suddenly only breaths apart and Yoongi took his sweet time, teasing me by getting closer and pulling away with a laugh. I whined, my clean hand coming up to tangle in his hair and he let me, watching me from above as I writhed against him, wordlessly begging for any touch from him.

Finally, he took pity on me and with a cocky grin smashed our mouths together, immediately prying my lips open and licking inside, claiming me roughly and thoroughly. I moaned into him, body arching into his and he pressed closer, pressing me into the wall again and our bodies touched from our heads to our toes. His hand went to my neck, wrapping around it lightly and grabbing my jaw to keep me still as he kissed me with all his might.

Now with both hands I grabbed onto him, one going around his neck and one around the waist, and he broke the kiss to laugh at me quietly, turning my face with his hand so he could kiss around my ear.

“You’re such a little tease, you know that kitten?” he whispered, voice gravelly with arousal, “Coming in here every week… playing with your pussy… making yourself cum… and then coming out and giving me those eyes, cheeks still flushed from your orgasm and yet playing so coy and shy… you’re such a minx.” I tensed, eyes rolling back as he started nipping at my neck, laying wet kisses and bites all over any skin he could get to.

I didn’t even notice when Yoongi’s other hand found its way between my legs, fingers roughly pressing onto my clit. I choked on a moan, head falling back and hitting the tiled wall, hands flexing into his clothes. He bit my shoulder enough to leave a mark, chuckling at my loud keening before pressing his lips to the shell of my ear again.

“Last week I thought I would go crazy sitting there,” Yoongi continued, almost growling into my skin as his fingers twisted meanly around my sensitive nub making me tremble, “I couldn’t focus on anything, not when I knew how much you wanted to give me a show. Almost went to jerk off at least five times but I held off until you came out to repay the favour.” He chuckled again, hand tightening a little on my neck as he leaned back to look at me.

I tried to get my breathing under control but I was stuck with my mouth hanging open, noises flowing out freely as if this wasn’t a public bathroom. Yoongi didn’t seem to mind though, quite happy to watch me come undone just from a little teasing.

“It was the same for me,” I whispered, looking into his eyes and this time playing coy very much on purpose, licking my lips and batting my lashes to play it up, “Had to sit through the rest of the lecture while thinking about you in here. Was hell.” He snickered darkly, immediately catching onto my act.

He hummed, finger dragging across my lower lip, fascinated for a moment before he snapped back to himself, mouth pulling back into a smirk.

Without a warning his other hand moved lower, fingers tracing my entrance before two of them plunged inside. I moaned out, body seizing up at the sensation. I was wet enough that they went easy but there was still the pleasurable sting of being stretched out on two digits.

Yoongi certainly wasn’t the type to waste time. He hummed satisfied, watching me with those dark eyes, testing the waters with a few shallow pumps before he started finger-fucking me earnestly. Just like everything else, even now he wasn’t gentle, flicking his wrist up and pushing his fingers as far as they could go, curling them to scratch at that one magic spot that had me seeing white.

I whimpered loudly, hips gyrating to ride the motions, already feeling the stirrings of a powerful orgasm lurking on the horizon. Like a shark sensing blood Yoongi chuckled and twisted his fingers on the next thrust. I keened, hands flying up to tangle into his clothes and hair, hips jerking and chasing after the feeling.

“So selfish, kitten,” he tsked at me, still keeping his cool even though I could see his erection attempting to burst through his pants, “only thinking about your own pleasure. No respect for others, huh?”

My first instinct was to apologise, but I got choked up on the words when he started up his pace again, so instead I decided to be a woman of action. Slowly trailing my hand down his torso, feeling him up on the way, grabbing onto his chest, his slim waist, until I finally reached his crotch.

With the first touch he let out a light groan, fingers stuttering and eyes falling shut for a moment, then he was suddenly back onto me, kissing me wildly while his hips fucked into my hand, letting out gruff groans and sighs into my mouth, which I accepted gladly.

For a moment we were just lost in each other, not caring about the noise or the place, just pleasuring each other, touching, feeling. Then Yoongi was tearing away, hand flying from my pussy and stepping back. I couldn’t stop the pathetic whine that left me, and my cheeks flushed with embarrassment at his amused face.

Instead he grabbed me and turned me around until I was leaning on my arms on the wall behind the toilet, one leg up on the closed lid for support. I shivered in anticipation, knowing what would come next. Yoongi was moving about behind me, clothes shuffling and rustling. Then his sweater hit the floor. I turned my head to watch just as he reached into his back pocket and pulled out a silver packet. He grinned at me and winked when catching my eye, then reached out to me, condom in hand.

“Can you hold this for me for a second, darling?” he asked as sweet as honey, but there was something devilish twinkling in his eye.

“Of course,” I answered him. I meant for it to be sassy, but it came out on a breathless whisper as I took the packet and watched Yoongi’s hand run through his hair before setting on his belt. He unbuckled slowly, attentively watching my eyes soaking in every second as he pulled the belt through the buckle and out of his pants. Fingers toyed with the button before popping it open, tongue wetting his lips and hungry eyes eating me up. I trembled under his attention but held still, not even breathing as his fingers grasped at the zipper and pulled it down.

Tired of playing, he pulled his tee out and put the hem between his teeth, revealing his taunt stomach and pretty waist. Winking at my obvious gawking, he finally pulled his jeans and underwear down, his erection springing free. The sight of him shocked me to my core, standing there with his t-shirt in his mouth and a smug glint his eye while he leisurely fisted his flushed red cock. I could feel my pussy gushing and clenching around nothing, desperately calling to be filled up.

Yoongi plucked the condom packet from my limp hand and made a quick work of putting it on. He lined up behind me, hands finding my waist to pull my tee from the skirt, making contact with bare skin.

I gasped when I felt his cock slide through my wet folds, but quickly keened and arched into it. One of Yoongi’s hands tightened on my waist while the other disappeared to grab his length.

“Easy now,” he chuckled at my trembling body, my hips chasing after his cock and trying to entice him into fucking me.

“Please,” was all I could get out of my mouth, “please Yoongi, just fuck me.” His hand tightened again and there was a beat of silence before he snickered.

“So you naughty girl do know my name,” he teased and I froze for a moment, embarrassment flooding me. I turned to him again to see him smirking at me, tee hanging off of his form. “I heard it around,” I whispered sheepishly. He hummed, raising his eyebrows at me.

“Not really fair, is it?” he teased some more, a mischievous expression taking over his face, “Is it, Y/N?” I narrowed my eyes at him jokingly and he grinned.

“Now, what’s your excuse, mister?” I asked him sassily, “Not like I’m a campus celebrity… unlike someone here.”

“May or may not have asked Jungkook cause I saw you two hanging out,” Yoongi admitted easily, laughing at me when I paled.

“God,” I groaned, “No wonder he was getting so cheeky whenever you came up in a conversation.” At that Yoongi raised his eyebrow again, amusement dancing on his features.

“That happen often?” he asked impishly, leaning against me and once again letting me feel his cock sliding through my folds. I gasped a little and blushed even darker. “You’re Namjoon’s friend, so occasionally,” I bold-faced lied straight through my teeth and from the look on Yoongi’s face, he was aware but let me get away with it.

There was a moment of silence where we just stared at each other, mischievous little smiles on our faces, and then Yoongi hummed, pulling his tee back up to his lips and biting down on it. I shuddered, the lust once again taking the fore-front seat in my mind. This time he didn’t stop for anything, grabbing himself with one hand and the other going to my waist to hold me in place.

The tip of his cock circled my entrance and I subconsciously clenched, a gush of wetness leaving me. I whined and wriggled in his hold and he tsked at me again before sliding inside in a single thrust with a light condescending giggle. I groaned, pussy immediately squeezing around the intrusion, feeling every inch and ridge. There was a hitch in Yoongi’s breaths, both hands migrating to my waist and grabbing so tightly I felt his nails digging into my skin.

He barely gave me a second before pulling out and thrusting in again, setting a rough pace from the get-go. All I could do was bury my head into the crook of my elbow, biting into the soft flesh there to keep myself from moaning loud enough for the whole school to hear.

The stretch of his cock was exquisite, the slight burn heating up my already sensitive body to a near boiling point. With every thrust there was a tiny twinge of pain that left me breathless, desperate to muffle any noise that could cut our meeting short.

Yoongi didn’t seem to care much about noise, hands on my waist mercilessly pulling me back onto his cock and fucking me with so much force I felt my whole body twitching with the overdrive of sensation, the slapping of our sweaty bodies against each other and the wet squelch of my weeping pussy getting filled to the brim loud enough to substitute for our own sounds. He was grunting gruffly, the noise seemingly leaving his mouth involuntarily and getting muffled by the tee.

I turned my head slightly to look at him, and god, he was a vision with his head thrown back, eyes squeezed shut and face the picture of ecstasy, body rippling with the motion of his pumping hips and strong veiny arms and hands gripping onto me hard enough to go red with the force. I couldn’t hold back the moan and he toppled his head forward to look at me, a tired self-satisfied smirk tugging at his lips at seeing my fucked out expression.

“Take your fucking shirt off,” I gasped out breathlessly, chuckling at his teasingly narrowed eyes, “You have such a dirty fucking mouth, can’t stand for it being shut.” Yoongi laughed, throwing his head back in delight. Within seconds the piece of fabric joined his sweater on the floor and he leaned forward, hands picking on my own shirt with a mischievous expression.

“Shouldn’t you even the score?” I loved how deep and gravelly his voice became with arousal, even when he was being mischievous I could hear the growl in it and it drove me crazy. I scrambled to listen to him, tearing the shirt off and flinging it behind us. Yoongi’s hands immediately travelled up, playing with the edge of my bra before swiftly undoing the clasp and dragging it off. I gasped lightly at his skilled handiwork and giggled, but Yoongi was already preoccupied with kissing along my shoulders and shoulder blades.

His hips angled better and then jerked them into me again, cock sliding even deeper now. I groaned and arched into him and that was his que to start fucking in earnest again. In this position I could hear the strained sighs and grunts every time he slid back inside, the rough deep pace taking a toll on us both.

The back of my thighs was burning from standing bent over and straining my hips for this long and it added to the mix of feelings running through me. I could feel my orgasm catching up with me, Yoongi’s cock now hitting a spot on every thrust that made me want to scream with pleasure, sliding in so deep I swore I could feel him in my belly and it was so good my head was spinning, and all that came out of me were raspy moans. Yoongi bit into my shoulder, grunts raising in octave, hands pulling at my body to meet his thrusts.

I prayed to god that the walls were thick enough to keep the sounds from escaping onto the hall. I knew that if someone stepped inside now, there would be no masking what was going on, we were both too gone for that, just chasing our pleasure.

I was so close, the weeks of build up and the foreplay and teasing making me delirious. There in that moment I just wished I could stay like this forever, to feel this delicious ecstasy for the rest of my life, but I was so close to snapping I just needed a little extra push even though my head was so high in the clouds wishing to be never brought down.

“Please Yoongi, god,” I choked out, “please, I’m so close.” That seemed to snap Yoongi back into his attitude again, but he couldn’t hide how affected he was too.

“What do you want, kitten, mm?” even he couldn’t talk properly through the gasps and grunts, but still tried to sound as cocky as possible. Instead of talking I grabbed his hand and brought it down between my legs.

Yoongi pressed himself to me closer to make the reach more comfortable, his chest glued to my back as he nibbled on my neck and shoulder, giggling breathlessly when his naughty fingers started drawing tight quick circles on my clit.

My moans got louder, the pumping of his cock, hitting so deep inside of me, combined with the stimulation on my clit made me seize up, whole body shaking as the pleasure overtook me. Yoongi groaned every time my pussy clenched around him, drawing him deeper and closer to his own end. Both of us were so sweaty we stuck to each other, the temperature in the stall rising so high it was almost unbearable.

“Yoongi,” I gasped out, just repeating his name breathlessly as I barrelled to the climax, feeling the beginning of the tingling washing over me, pussy seizing up. Yoongi’s hands were like vice on my body, my waist littered with red indents of his nails, some already purpling slightly.

“I know, kitten,” he whispered into my neck, “Me too, you can let go.” The moment those words left his mouth my orgasm exploded over me, enough to blind me and send my ears ringing for a few moments. I let out a raspy groan, hands scrambling to find purchase on the wall and if it wasn’t for Yoongi’s hold on me, my buckling knees would have sent me crashing to the floor, but all I could focus on was the euphoria blooming through my body, flooding all my senses with so much pleasure I could barely fully register anything that was going on. Yoongi fucked me through the peak, hips losing rhythm and all decorum until finally he gave last few hard pumps and stilled too, coming with a drawn-out moan, hands pushing our hips as close together as they could go.

We clung onto each other as we attempted to catch our breaths again. I felt my arms slipping on the tiles as the pleasant ache started setting into my hips and lower tummy, legs screaming for a reprieve as my brain slowly came back into function. I blinked my eyes open, not even realising I had closed them at some point. Yoongi was basically hugging me from the behind, draped over me just breathing deep, faced smushed into my shoulder blade. Then he chuckled.

“You think we’re still in the clear?” he laughed, “How thick do you think these walls are?” A giggle tumbled out of me and before I knew it we were both laughing breathlessly, bodies still pressed close.

“This is officially the craziest thing I’ve ever done,” I told him, shaky knees trying to keep my weight as I started to gather my wits. Yoongi let me go easily and helped me find my balance as my whole body ached, back killing me after Yoongi railed me like a madman.

“And here I was, thinking this was just regular Tuesday for you.”

I slapped his shoulder lightly, but the blush on my cheeks revealed that I couldn’t really say anything to that. His amused snickers told me he was well aware, so I just stood there and watched him slip the condom off, tie it up and then just awkwardly stand there not knowing what to do with it.

“Guess I can’t just casually drop a used condom into a bin in the girl’s bathroom,” he stated nonchalantly, and I giggled at him. In the end he grabbed a bunch of toilet paper and hid it inside, putting in on the closed bin lid for the moment.

Next Yoongi swiftly cleaned himself up and pulled his jeans back on, but when I reached for the paper to do the same, he swatted my hand away. With a much gentler smile he got it himself, kneeled in front of me and started cleaning me up, gently wiping away the mess left on my centre and thighs. I watched him attentively, the soft look on his face making him look boyish, only the naughty glint in his eyes reminiscent of the man he was just a few minutes ago.

When our eyes met, I returned the smile, hand instinctively going to tangle into his hair. I meant to just card it through the dark wavy locks, but the heated look he gave me had me shuddering again, fingers tightening. Yoongi smirked, tongue licking at his lips sensually just inches away from my exposed pussy.

“Still thinking about naughty things, kitten?” he said, voice dark and deep, “Like the sight of me on my knees for you?” I hesitated for a moment before untangling my hand and gently pushing him with a blush.

“I see,” Yoongi hummed thoughtfully, “maybe next time then.” With a wink he stood up and when I didn’t move he motioned for me to start dressing up with a smirk, handing me my bra and t-shirt. We slowly clambered out of the stall, stretching and trying to get all the body parts to working order again.

“How about,” Yoongi drawled out, self-assured and with the attitude of someone who just got their rocks off, “you ditch the lecture you never really go to anyway and we grab something to eat?” I stopped in my tracks, shocked but pleasantly surprised at his offer. I checked the time quickly.

“There’s only like 10 minutes of class left, I can sit that out and then we can go,” I answered, smiling softly, but Yoongi smirked with all his might, something devilish glinting over his face. He leaned towards me, grabbing me lightly by my shoulders.

“Not looking like that, you can’t,” he whispered meanly and spun me around. The moment I laid my eyes on myself in the mirror, I gasped. Yoongi was standing behind me grinning like the devil admiring his handiwork. My neck was littered in little bites and spots ranging from dark pink across red all the way to purple. Yoongi let out a satisfied hum, almost sounding like a purr, his hands going across my waist to pull at the tee tucked into my skirt to reveal more reddish purplish bruises from his fingers.

I turned in his arms and slapped his shoulder lightly, completely flustered by his antics. “How can I walk out of here now? Everyone will know what I’d been doing instead of sitting at the lecture,” I whined, more embarrassed than angry, but Yoongi’s laughing face was totally free of any remorse, “I look like someone beat me up.”

The man said nothing, just pulled me closer to kiss me gently. I looked at him with wide eyes for a moment before I whined again: “I don’t even have a scarf with me today.” He burst out laughing and patted my hip softly.

“I’ll get your stuff, you wait here,” he whispered conspiratorially and with one last wink he was gone. It took him only three minutes to stick his head back into the bathroom, looking a little ruffled and a lot amused.

“I suggest we get going fast, I’m afraid a guy leaving the ladies restroom isn’t as inconspicuous as I wished it was,” he got out quickly, smirking impishly and handing me my coat. I tried to wear it in a way that covered most of the marks, but it was futile, more than half of my neck still on full display.

I walked out of the bathroom the same moment the door to my classroom opened and students started filing out. Yoongi exchanged a single glance with me before we both took off, running down the stairs like we were being chased, only stopping once the building doors slammed shut behind us.

“Jimin’s café?” Yoongi asked breathlessly, still trying to get his strength back and leaning on his knees. I grinned at him and grabbed his hand, already pulling him in the right direction.

“Sure, let’s go!”

Bonus:

“Holy shit! The fuck happened to you?” Jimin exclaimed loudly enough for the whole café to hear the moment he saw me walk through the door. Jungkook and Tae, who were sitting at a small table near the counter to keep Jimin company while he had his shift, turned to look at me only for Kookie to promptly spit out whatever he was drinking.

“Holy shit!” I gave him an unimpressed look and walked up to Jimin to order.

“A little dramatic, don’t you think?” I side-eyed him sassily, but Jungkook was grinning mischievously, a knowing glint in his eye. I flushed under his gaze and looked away at which he started laughing loudly.

“Oh my god! I can’t believe you actually did it,” he giggled, properly entertained by the situation and by my embarrassment. Tae was watching it all unfold, confused look on his face.

“Did what?” Jimin asked, similarly confused.

As if on cue the door opened again and Yoongi stepped in, ignoring everyone currently staring at him and walking straight to me, arm curling around my waist to pull me closer to him. He bent down slightly to whisper in my ear: “Got rid of the evidence successfully.”

“Holy shit!” This time it was Tae who screamed, coming full circle. I gave their smug smiling faces an annoyed glare and turned to Jimin to order again, but he was trying to conceal his grin behind his hand. Even more vexed I turned to Yoongi who was smirking smugly like a cat who got all the cream, hand possessively squeezing at my bruised waist.

“On second thoughts, we shouldn’t have come here,” I said to no one in particular, then turning my narrowed eyes at the man of the hour himself, “and wipe that smirk off your face, mister.” There were giggles from the boys all around us, but Yoongi just swooped down and kissed me softly, then pushed us closer towards the counter.

Jimin cleared his throat and tried to put on a professional expression, but there was mirth in his eyes that I just knew I was going to get all the teasing later. Tae and Kookie cleared out the mess at the table and made space for us to sit down, one looking more amused than the other.

I gave them both the stink eye and ignored them, checking my phone instead, trying to reply to all the messages I’ve missed in the last hour. Around me there was silence, everyone just sitting there looking at each other grinning, before Jungkook cleaned his throat and exclaimed:

“God, fucking finally! Thought Yoongi-hyung was gonna talk my ear off about you!”

“Kookie!” There was a pretty blush spreading on Yoongi’s cheeks, a polar opposite to the cocksure man that was railing my brains out 20 minutes ago. I giggled and squeezed his arm. He gave in easily, leaning towards me.

Then he set his eyes on Jungkook and narrowed them teasingly. “We’re gonna settle that later you brat.”

[rogerswifesblog]

Omg I love "its all about the", I like that the roles are changed and we get to see how it could be when a man is the one needing some help!

I have a drabble request if I May, how would steve reaction if maybe a bussiness partner of the reader start to flirt with her?

Sending love 🥰🥰🥰🥰

Ohhh thank you! I’m glad you like the dynamics! Tbh I love them myself and have fun with these series/ideas etc:3

To your request…a jealous Stevie? 👀 here you go;

Series Masterlist

Warnings: jealousy, Steve being mean, bad expression of feelings, argument, (reader slaps Steve), alcohol consumption

Pairing: sugar baby Steve x sugar mommy reader

A/N: I’m slowly starting to write again wuhu

Steve started hating all those events were anyone wanted to talk to you. Businesspeople, random guests or anyone else, really. Too many people wanted your attention.

Your attention should be on Steve. Was he possessive? Of course not. (He definitely was.)

“When can we go home? We’ve been here for over three hours…that’s enough”, Steve whined next to you, gently wrapping his fingers around your wrist. You chuckled quietly at Steve’s whining, kissing his cheek gently. “Stevie, just a bit longer-maybe you could get us something to drink? I’d like to have a mojito”, you asked, kissing his cheek once again.

He blushed lightly, but nodded. “Fine, one drink and then home?”, since you could tell Steve really wasn’t in the mood to stay any longer, you nodded. It was late anyway. Going home and cuddling on the couch, maybe watching a movie, sounded nice, too.

When Steve disappeared, someone else walked up to you, a man your age that you had met a few times during those dinner parties and events.

You were pretty sure he was also a CEO, though from a completely different company involving a clothing brand-not that you cared much about his company not his Welth.

“What a beautiful dress for a beautiful lady”, his first words were, making you smile a bit, it was a lame but friendly compliment. “Thank you, my boyfriend chose it-oh there he is”, you said when you’ve noticed Steve walked with two glasses.

“This guy? He looks like-“ “I’d be careful with what you choose to say next.” “No, no, I’m not gonna say anything…offensive. It’s just, he looks very young, I’m sure you could have a much better life with someone your age, someone like-“ your loud laugh interrupted his sentence, while you shook your head slowly.

“Thank you for your concern, but I couldn’t imagine a better life than the one I have now”, you said, smiling in Steve's direction. You could tell he wasn’t in the mood to stay here for much longer.

From the bar Steve could see you laughing with some stranger (he had to admit the man looked like a very wealthy and handsome stranger…). Scoffing he took the two drinks and walked quickly up to you, immediately placing a lingering kiss, looking at the stranger when he parted from your soft lips.

“Steve”, he introduced himself to the man. At least he was taller than this stupid guy. But he could tell Carlos-, from what he had introduced himself-had a lot of money, the Rolex showed it all, and he really didn’t want to know how expensive his suit was.

That’s when it hit him.

What if you’d get bored taking care of Steve’s finances all the time? What if you’d rather have someone taken care of your needs?

“Stevie, are you alright?”, you asked, seeing how lost he was in thoughts. “Yeah, yeah, I’ll just go to the bathroom real quick, can you hold it for me?” Steve placed his glass in your hand, before disappearing.

“Someone’s in a bad mood, huh, it’s probably past his bedtime”, joked Carlos, making you furrow your eyebrows at him. If he was trying to achieve anything good, he was miserably failing. Especially when he was trying to insult Steve.

So you just kept quiet. “So, how long are you two a thing?”, he asked while leaning against the counter next to you, his shoulder touching yours. “We’ve been together for a while now. And we’re very happy together”, you said while sipping at your mojito.

“And is it serious or just for now? I��d love to try to change your mind about maybe seeing someone your age, you know, you’re a beautiful woman and a date wouldn’t hurt-“ “stop right there. I don’t want to go out with you, I’m in a relationship and I’m very happy, please stop pressuring me or this conversation will have to end right now”, you hissed, but kept a smile on your lips, since you didn’t want anyone to notice the unpleasant encounter.

When Steve joined you again, you immediately wrapped your hand around his bicep after he took his mojito from you. “I don’t feel like finishing the drink, I’m a bit tired”, you said to Steve but loud enough for Carlos to hear. “What a shame, it was such a pleasure to meet such a wonderful woman”, Carlos interrupted whatever Steve wanted to say and took the mojito from your hand, placing it on the counter before taking your hand and pulling it up to his lips, leaving a kiss on your black lace glove.

Steve immediately grabbed your wrists, pulling it away from him before walking with you to the door, not minding anyone, even the people that tried to wish you a nice evening. Not even your friends that he liked.

You knew he wanted to go home but you hadn’t expected him to be this eager to get home as quick as possible.

Thank god you had already texted Clint you’d only finish one drink and go home, so he drove up just in the right moment.

While driving home you tried to cuddle a bit up to Steve but he didn’t react much, only holding your hand lightly. “Is everything alright?” “Sure.”

So something was definitely wrong, but maybe he didn’t want to talk about it in front of Clint, who had become a close friend to Steve.

After entering your shared home Steve took of his jacket and shoes and walked straight to his old room, where he had stayed at the beginning of your relationship. “Steve, what-why are you here?”, you asked in confusion after following him into the room.

“I assumed you don’t want me to sleep with you in one bed tonight”

What?

“What?”, you said your thoughts out loud. “Carlos. You seemed to having found a replacement for me”, his words only made you laugh-and your laugh made him frown. “I’m sorry sweetheart, I didn’t mean to laugh but it’s just ridiculous-nobody could replace you”, you walked up to him, wrapping your hands around his neck.

“I saw the way you laughed with him-and how he kissed your hand-“ “no, Steve, I laughed at him, not with him. He was saying some bullshit and the kiss…it happened so quickly I didn’t even notice when he pulled my hand-“

“Don’t bullshit me, I know he can treat you better. He could give a better life, a better future-“ “Steve, stop! I don’t need a rich guy-“ “I didn’t say anything about his money, this was your first thought-“ you scoffed at his words.

“Don’t try to make it look like it’s me who noticed his wealth-I saw how you looked at his watch-how you immediately got lost in thought. I knew what you were thinking about. I’m not stupid. But it’s still not what I’m interested in. I want you” “sure, you want a broke college student-or do you prefer the stripper? The broke stripper, that was in depth and needed money-“

You felt your eyes burn at Steve’s words. Did he really think so little of himself? A broke student or just a stripper? “Sweetheart, please let’s sit down and talk about it-“ “I don’t think there’s anything to talk about. I’m not in depth anymore, I have a job, I don’t need all the money anymore, I don’t need your help anymore. I can get by on my own. You can now do with the contract whatever you want-rip it, burn it-I don’t care! Go and get yourself someone who’s your league”, all the accusations made your tears fall even though you tried to hold it back.

For a second you felt like Steve had really only used you for the money-which in the beginning was true, but he lived with you for a year now. And you had confessed your feelings months ago-you two loved each other. You knew. You could feel it.

“Steve I know you don’t mean it like that-“ “what if I do? Maybe it was all a lie? What if I just needed the money? Have you never thought about it? I’m just a poor kid that found a naive woman to get him on his fe-“ before he could finish his sentence you couldn’t stop yourself and slapped him across the face, even surprising yourself with it.

You knew you shouldn’t be overreacting, especially considering he had been drinking all evening, but his words hurt.

“You can either go to sleep or pack your things, it’s your decision”, you hissed, slamming the door behind you.

After taking a shower you walked to your bed, trying to ignore the need to check if steve left his things or had packed-but in the end you opened his night stand. Everything was where it was supposed to be.

You breathed out quietly before laying down and tried to fall asleep, which took you a very long time.

Your dreams were haunted by arguments, fights and tears, all resulting in Steve’s leaving. Would he really want to leave you? Or did he only use you for money? Was the love fake? Maybe he was actually-

“Good morning, Y/N, I made you breakfast”, Steve’s soft voice woke you up, the bed dipping where he sat down at the edge. His hand caressed your cheek, “I wanted to apologize for yesterday-“ while you tiredly opened your eyes, Steve immediately pulled you into a sitting position and his arms.

“I'm so incredibly sorry for all the things I’ve said-I…I don’t know what came over me or why I did it. I don’t think you’re naive or that you only wanted to have some fun with me-sure, maybe this was our deal at the beginning, but it’s not like this anymore. I love you. I love you so much and I hate myself for hurting you like this yesterday”, mumbled Steve, kissing your forehead.

“What happened Steve? Why were you so angry and upset?”, you asked while gently pushing him away by his shoulders, looking him up and down in concern.

He sighed, deeply.

“I’m…I think it’s because I’m scared. And jealous. Sometimes I just feel like it’s all not real. Like you might actually want to be with someone else, someone older, more experienced…more…wealthy..”, he whispered, lowering his head shamefully.

“If I could, I’d want you all to myself and seeing this douche kiss your hand…god, it killed me”, he shook his head, brushing his hand over his face.

You immediately grabbed his hand, pulling it to your lips and leaving a kiss behind. “Oh sweetheart…”

Slowly you sat onto his lap, wrapping your arms around his neck, kissing the top of his head. „Please, never doubt our love because of some douche…I love you with my whole being, I could never imagine being with someone else…“

You whispered, feeling him hiccup against your neck. “I love you to…mommy”, he whispered in return, making you smile against his hair. “I made you apology breakfast…-“ “I think I want to skip to the dessert”, you teased him, kissing his earlobe gently, before pulling up his shirt over his head.

You felt like you needed to take care of your babyboy today. “First…I think I have to remind you how much I love you baby…”, you whispered, brushing your finger down his stomach.

The way he looked up at you was reason enough why you could never imagine someone else in your life.

Thank you for reading! Please leave some feedback! Support your writers. Feedback and reblogs are appreciated.

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[watchtheblog]

as always, hello to my 9 true real life friends, the 22 of you in close friends, my 40 internet besties, the handful of you i was able to lure over here with a LiNk iN BiO, at least one of the girls who copy and pasted my internet persona for her 200 followers, some other weirdos, biters, and haters (and their partners), my therapist if i ask her to read this to understand me better, and anyone else who is here and can read this!! 

as a preface to a list of extravagant gifts i wish to receive for my birthday (tuesday, 26 september), i am going to tell you a little story. if you don’t care and just want to buy me a gift or just want to use this to curate yours, scroll to the bottom. (if you need inspiration from years past, i’ve been making this list for 10 years.)

without further silliness: it’s been a few years since i’ve expressed my disdain for traditional “fun” but what better time than on the eve of the eve of my birthday to dive back into it.

i define traditional fun as anything social, anything that involves hanging out with multiple friends, or any activity that takes place at a “venue” or anywhere there are dozens to hundreds or more people present doing what one would describe as “having a good time”.

if it’s a: gathering, get together, party, or event, it’s a: no.

i’d rather be run over by a lime scooter than sit at a dinner with more than 3 people i know, and if a new person is involved, “meeting me” better be on their bucket list because the *stranger to acquaintance* pipeline crashed in 2018 when a woman propositioned me in whole foods for a raya “friend pass” (again: she was a stranger), conned me out of my phone number, and then proceeded to send me her uber referral link 15 times until i blocked her.

*i should clarify before i go further that i’m not a hater. i’m so happy that people are enjoying themselves. i think everyone deserves to be happy and to smile and laugh and have such a little blast wherever and whenever they want!!! i just do not want to be near anyone who is doing that. ◡̈ *

PDF (public displays of fun) is anathema to me, and for this reason i don’t like to leave my house on the weekends because that’s when most people are convening, rendezvous-ing, coming together in droves to enjoy themselves in shared public space.

a notable exception to this rule is a restaurant or bar, because there will always be some miserable couple having the worst night of their lives or someone in a corner arguing with someone who is gaslighting them at 2:45am.

like me one time, in my “having no respect for myself” era, when an ex boyfriend swallowed a black label burger and then convinced me *i* was being weird for feeling hurt that he was going to take me home and then go see a midnight movie with his friends… on christmas eve.

v funny behavior.

(it was actually v fine because - surprise surprise - i hate movies, and movie theaters… and in all honesty i hated his ass, too.)

anyway! that’s the kind of stuff i love to see going on in public: messy nonsense, the seeds of trauma sprouting, not unflappable joy!!!!!

when i lived in new york during this time of no self-respect, i often found myself doing things i didn’t want to do. like, going to the club.

THE CLUB is a unique coming together of an inexhaustible list of things i do not like: first and foremost: DJs. secondarily: people i don’t know, big groups of people, being in a confined space, men with weird attitudes, herve leger, anyone wearing a “fashion hat”, music, other miscellaneous loud noises, social nepotism, people being coy about doing cocaine, cocaine, moving my body to a beat, being illuminated by phone light, stickiness, dirty bathrooms, unidentified wetness, and i could go on!!

the only thing i like about the club is screaming in close proximity to someone’s ear (although the fact that it’s done out of necessity takes some joy out of it) and one other thing:

that every single time i ever went to the club, without fail, a man would sidle up to my girlfriend after unsuccessfully trying to hit on me and utter some version of “what is wrong with your friend?” to her.

for my birthday, i’d love to attend an event filled entirely with those men.

it’s tuesday, so if you can’t manage to do that, here are the treasures i’d like:

(disclaimer: all i want for my birthday is for me and everyone i love and support and everyone who loves and supports me to be healthy and happy and rich, and for all of their dreams to come true (and for everyone i don’t like to accidentally commit a misdemeanor that hurts no one but is punishable by jail so they can have some time to think and find God), and for you to donate to the boys and girls club if you have the means. but here are some things i think would be funny or nice or stupid to receive:)

the intangible: to mysteriously but unsuspiciously come into 100 million dollars, that i am always perceived as a genius in the daytime, a beauty at night, and a bop on instagram, that when i get married no more than ten people RSVP, that everyone knows i’m joking about starting a cult but that when i start my cult you will all join, that no one i know ever prepares a picnic for me as a gesture of kindness or romance, that people stop misusing the word gaslighting as it takes away from those of us who are working on perfecting the art, to one day start a tequila company and for that to not be corny, for all my bot followers to gain sentience and break free from their bot farm confines to engage with me, that my mouth never writes a check my ass can’t check, to - at whatever cost - gain possession of the remaining episodes of a&e’s deeply perverse and immediately cancelled “adults adopting adults” and put every person on that show in a subterranean jail for life, to be wealthy enough to donate anonymously, for someone to get real about cancelling daylight savings time, that i remain beloved, hilarious, brilliant, and humble, that i am my best friends’ best friend, and that anyone who dislikes me never finds peace (so far so good!).

the ones you can buy:

i hate to say this but if someone doesn’t come up with $4000 and buy me this max mara coat (xs) i am going to have an asthma attack.

a speaker for my house so i can listen to my cult (meditation) a more reasonable version (black)

also to listen to cult (black) - you can engrave these, what a treat

these sheets (white/white; king)

i know this maybe for a man but this maybe also for a man??? (idk?! do men have money?!?!) this in black ok this is exhausting, i’d like a little card holder for my credit cards and it should cost one million dollars if possible thank you for understanding the parameters!!

a trip here, or here but i don’t travel with people so just for one please!! (i’m retired so i can go anytime!!)

a gift card to my dermatologist even though i don’t think you can buy a gift card from him but feel free to take a look at the services (i do hydrafacials, lasers, peels) and mail me some US currency! or be proactive and try to figure it out!!

this sweatshirt

this lighter i like

this necklace

this rattan tray gallivanting as “calfskin”????? lol this is better :) i do not understand what is going on!!!

i just restocked but i will accept you buying this for yourself as a treat a gift to me bc i love it

i’d like to speak to the medium who has a show on bravo, please. this is him. i do not want to be “read” on the tv show. i do not want tickets to see his live show. i want to speak to a dead person through this man. one on one. (you can come if you organize it.)

a baby phat tracksuit - no link bc they’re relaunching (on my birthday…),  but hopefully there’s a tracksuit on there.

here are some watches i’d like: one another one another one an insane one

a flight on emirates first class literally going anywhere!

this gorgeous vase or this one or this one; also this vase

or this one

this room spray (or it’s candle)

this art or this art or this art (i’m only half kidding)

this art or this art or this art

the cade candle from le labo (it’s not sold online i don’t think bc it’s special, like me!)

some gorgeous cartier stationery (i thought they made stationery… and i’m pretty sure they do but it seems they don’t… lol) this is an alt and so is this and these are cute (so i can write thank you cards for everyone who gets me a gift!!!)

ok thank you!!

[mxupdate]

[ARTICLE] Wonho (Monsta X) opens up about his dark past and apologizes to fans

'Actually, I'm always feeling unsettled''

We asked why he felt like that,

Wonho opened up about his past.

"Because I know my mistake..."

"No matter what I say, it's just a fallacy. It's because I was wrong."

He continued.

"Therefore, I tried my best, so that I would not make the same mistake again."

Above all, he said that thanks to his fans, he was determined to change.

"I have got what is called love. I don't want to let them down, even just a little."

In February, Dispatch had a meeting with Wonho, Monsta X's former member. At that time, he was reviewing himself for his past controversies when the police were investigating his allegations of drug use in 2013.

"Yes, that's right. I acknowledge my past. I was too stupid. I have tried my best not to live like that again. I only think about the members, the group and my fans."

He added that he was misunderstood.

"I don't use drugs. The police are investigating it. When my innocence is proven, please write an article about my story. I want to apologize and clear up the misunderstanding. I also want to be forgiven by everyone."

On March 10, the police ruled Wonho not guilty. After the investigation on allegations of drug use, the police closed the case because no suspicious points were found. Therefore, we would like to write about Wonho's story.

◆ "It was unfortunate in those days"

An apartment for rent located in Sanbon Ward, Gunpo City, Gyeonggi Province. This apartment has a living room (small size) and a room. Wonho lived there with his grandmother, parents, and younger brother. A miserable period of his life.

"I lived in a small rental apartment until I was 20 years old. My grandmother used the only room. My father, mother, younger brother and I all ate and slept in the living room. At that time I didn't know it was poverty."

In elementary school, he didn't get along well with his peers. He was always teased. The torment went on repeatedly. Wonho was a shy and timid child.

"Sometimes my friends teased me by saying I'm dirty, sometimes bullied me just because they felt bored. My friends didn't like me at all. In fact, there are many more memories I don't want to remember. In short, I was alienated by my friends."

Certainly, he got troubled at his home as well. Wonho's parents fought every day for money. Wonho spent most of his time outside. Then, he knew a stranger in the neighborhood.

"At home, I was not at ease because my parents argued all the time. I had to kill the time outside every day. Just like that, I happened to know a brother in the ward, then I started to follow him."

◆ "I was once interested in bad things"

Since then, Wonho wasn't bullied anymore. No, rather, others started to avoid him. Wonho said he felt fun seeing his friends being dissatisfied.

"One day, I went downstairs and bumped into a friend who had bullied me. I unconsciously cowered. However, that guy opened up first, "Ho Seok, I'm sorry." I suddenly became arrogant. That's not good, but..."

Wonho escaped from being an outcast. But he did not feel happy. The situation was still the same, the discord did not end yet. Eventually, he became more and more pessimistic. This happened when Wonho was in high school.

"My parents argued on that day. Suddenly, I felt choked in my heart. I saw no hope in this house. I walked out of the house unconsciously. At that time, I did not realize the importance of families."

Outside the family's shelter, it was even more dangerous. Wonho hung out with new friends, then was caught up in something he shouldn't have done. Some of his friends went to juvie on suspicion of special theft. Wonho got milder punishment, he was placed under probation.

"I don't want to blame my friends. Because that was also my choice. It sounds like an excuse, but at that time, I was not mature. It was my fault. My fault only. I apologize."

◆ "I had a dream"

Wonho ran into a lot of difficulties in his teens. It's literally a stormy period with intense highs and downs. Then, he met Jung Dae Eun. He remembered that it was when he was in the 2nd year of high school.

"We immediately became closer. We also did modeling jobs together. Da Eun helped me a lot. She even supported my dream of becoming a singer."

Before the age of 20, Wonho, called Lee Ho Seok at that time, was a rebellious boy. He went astray and resented reality. However, after the age of 20, Wonho changed. He moved forward and tried his utmost to overcome the reality of life. That is the epiphany.

"I saw my friends practice like crazy. They were all dreaming of their own dreams. I was jealous of them. So I could only live in resentment... At that time, I promised myself that I won't waste my life anymore."

Wonho practiced day and night. Whenever he had free time, he ran to the stair corridor because he needed a place to practice alone. There, he constantly danced, rested, and danced again.

"I joined the trainees who entered the company at the same time with me to dance and sing all night. I didn't feel tired. Because there was a ray of hope in me that 'I have a future too'. I was happy. Activities with the group were also very delightful. In those 4 years, I learned a lot."

◆ "The past gets in the way"

In 2015, Wonho debuted as a member of Monsta X. The group has released 12 albums in Korea as well as taking Asia, Europe, and the United States by storm. Monsta X also achieved significant success as they landed at No.39 on Billboard's Pop Songs Chart (in 2019) and became the third K-pop artist to accomplish this.

In 2019, when Wonho was on the rise, his murky past caught up with him. He, in turn, entangled in the controversy related to the Me Too movement and the fact that he was once under house arrest was also exposed. In 2013, he was even placed under investigation in suspicion of drug use.

"It's true that I made a mistake, but there are some misunderstandings about me as well. Of course, I'm aware that these are irreversible. Because not everyone goes down the wrong way and falls into such a situation. I reflected on myself a lot at the time I was under house arrest."

Wonho didn't give more explanations. He admitted his past wrongdoings and apologized many times. However, he resolutely denied suspicion of drug use. He said that he absolutely never touched that illegal substance.

"I acknowledge my past deeds. But what I didn't do, I would say no. I absolutely do not use drugs. I have explained it clearly to the police."

After more than 5 months of investigation, the police have concluded that Wonho was innocent. They did not find evidence related to drug use. The police also investigated whether Wonho used drugs in the form of tablets. However, they did not discover any drugs.

◆ "I don't want to hurt anyone"

Wonho quit Monsta X. In October 2019, before officially departing from the group, he left a message that reads, "The members have been hurt by someone like me. All of them have no relation to me at all. I hope that you guys will be Monsta X's pillar of strength.

"The group made lots of efforts to prepare a new album. I hate to see Monsta X collapse (just because of me). I think I should leave the group as soon as possible so Monsta X can continue their activities. I'd like to prevent the damage to them as much as I could."

One more thing, the reason for his determination is MonBeBes.

"I can confidently say that I have completely changed after meeting MonBeBes. I understood what it is like to be loved. I want to live a good life every day."

According to Wonho, he has never lost his concentration on work. Most of his daily tasks are making music, exercises, and fan communication. In fact, Wonho often chatted with fans through live broadcasts, each of which lasted for around 3~4 hours, during his overseas tour.

"Actually, this is the first time I feel such warmth. So, I don't want to let everyone down. I just want to do the things that the fans like. I want to repay that love. But..."

◆ "Anyway, I'm sorry"

The past has been exposed. He wondered what he could do. It was concluded that he could do nothing but withdraw from the group. He thought it was a way to ease the fans' pain (even just a little).

"I promised the fans many things. I also said I would always stay by their side. Although I only lived and thought of fans, I apologize for leaving this way..."

However, he explained that he was forced to do so

"In the past, I lived as Lee Ho Seok, and now as Wonho. Is it possible that Wonho is not responsible for what Lee Ho Seok did? I have to shoulder that responsibility. In the end, I have hurt everyone with my past. I want to relieve that pain."

Wonho hasn't left his house for a while. He lived in silence, to avoid causing damage to those around him. During that time, he was cleanly acquitted of drug-related allegations. Wonho shared that it was fortunate enough.

"Even up to now, I can't forget the fans. On the contrary, I am just so regretful. I feel regret, I should have done a little better. I do this interview with one reason only, which is to apologize to everyone."

See article here.

[saiilorstars]

The Home Collection

Ch.3: Gabby’s Log #2

AU/One-Shot Companion story to: The Beginning of Everything

Fandom: Doctor Who

Taglist: @ocfairygodmother​

~ 0 ~ 0 ~ 0 ~ 0  ~ 0 ~ 0 ~ 0 ~ 0 ~ 0 ~ 0 ~ 0 ~ 0 ~

Chapter summary: It's a lonely time for Gabby in the TARDIS now that Renata and Donna are no longer with them. It's time to write in her journal again...

(Previous Chapters)

(Reminder that that Gabby’s face claim is Victoria Moroles)

Loneliness. I never realized how cruel that sentiment was. I have a big family so 'loneliness' isn't something I really dealt with. My only problem was that my parents didn't agree with my artistic desires, but I was never alone.

For the past few months, I've felt so lonely and I don't know what to do with myself. The sadder part is that the Doctor is no stranger to loneliness. He's an expert at it and it honestly breaks my heart. The absence of Renata is slowly, but surely, taking a toll on him. He's been telling me a lot more about himself now that it's just us in the TARDIS. He's told me about the countless people he's lost along his travels. People close to him have died, have chosen to leave...

And the latest was Donna and Renata. It breaks my heart too. Donna will never come back to us and we'll never get to see her again. It still brings tears to my eyes and I doubt it'll ever change.

Renata's decision to leave is just as sad but it's even worse knowing that none of us know whether or not she'll get to come back. I've seen the Doctor working nonstop to find her a cure. Sometimes I have to pull him out before his lack of care to himself reaches dangerous levels. Truthfully, I can understand him. It's Renata's life on the line and if she was the love of my life, I'd be working nonstop too. But no, that title is reserved for the Doctor only even if he doesn't say it out loud to him - I can only hope that he's confessed that to Renata herself. I can only do what I see fit and what Renata advises me to do. The biggest thing she tells me constantly is to take care of myself and help the Doctor.

'Don't let him fall into a dark place.'

'Make sure he takes care of himself too.'

'Go out on leisure trips every once in a while.'

To the Doctor's credit, he did take us out sometimes but...it still isn't the same. We've gone to Victorian London where we fought a huge Cyberman. I never want to see one of those again. We did have a nice Christmas dinner but the Doctor cut it short so we could come back to Zhe's gallery and see how Renata was doing. Easter strolled by - or rather an Easter did. Time is so illusive for us. We met a criminal named Christina de Souza who was pretty cool until she kissed the Doctor in the end. I would've been angry on behalf of Renata but the Doctor looked so miserable I didn't comment.

The truth is that the Doctor and I do try to have some type of fun even though our hearts are shattered by the losses we endured. We explore together, laugh together, eat together, we're...lonely together. We miss Renata and Donna so much. I miss them.

Now that my family knows the truth about what I do, they often ask me - when I visit them - how Renata is doing. When I tell them the same answer as always - that she's no better than before - they wonder why I still stick around. Why do I insist on traveling inside a box is so dangerous that people have died there? The answer is alarming but certain. I love the people inside it. The Doctor, Renata and Donna became my family. They were my space family and now that Donna is gone, I want to cling to what I have left of the good days. I want to do my part to help bring together the remainder of our space family and that means I have to help bring Renata back.

But the months are passing by and nothing seems to get better. It's hard to believe that one day things might return to normal. Renata coming back to the TARDIS, resuming her position as my pseudo-teacher (and space mother even though I don't need one!), and hell, even giving herself a chance with the Doctor. That would be a sight to see but it would be such a good sight, a happy one.

The Doctor, Renata and me back in the TARDIS...without Donna. Will that ever be possible?

[miximax-hell]

...This should have been published the 10th of January. I queued it ages ago (back when my last post was published), but Tumblr farted and decided not to post it. Which is just fantastic. It’s not the first time it decides to screw up the queue, but it’s the first time it happens to me on this blog. So annoying. This means it’s coming a few days late, but I hope you all still had a fantastic EnYaga Day!

As I prepared for True EnYaga Day back in October, I found again this old doodle of mine--the base for what would later become the final design of EnYaga. I thought it might be fun to share it and use it as an excuse to talk about this subject AGAIN, and... that was good enough for me, really.

You guys know me and there’s probably very little reason to do so, but I have never really talked about the reasons behind this miximax, have I? Well, if there is a day to indulge in that, it’s EnYaga Day, so let’s get to it!

As usual, more under the cut.

Despite Tumblr’s betrayal, this does have a perk: I get to revise this post before it’s published, which is great, because I’m happy to report that things are better now than when I first wrote it. In the original version, I mentioned that my life at the time was a little... paused, so there wasn’t really a lot to say. Among the only news worth sharing, I sent an oil painting to a friend a couple of months ago and it arrived very fast and completely safe, so that was great! It was a Professor Layton-themed painting, but now that I don’t have it at home anymore, I’m tempted to make another one... (If I do, chances are more FudoLay content will arrive here swiftly after lol) Other than that, I’d just started my classes again, but I was still desperately looking for a job. At least, classes made me feel like I wasn’t completely wasting every single day, so I was more cheerful than I was during summer. (Funny, because my group of friends at uni used to say that they could only smile during summer, but I was pretty miserable during those months. ww;)

Thankfully, though, I can say I now have a job! And it’s great!! ...The conditions aren’t so great, but at least I’m back to work as a game designer. I’m learning so much and I feel very motivated to work, even if it’s technically a collaboration and I will only get money once the game is published--in other words, when the game starts bringing money our way. This is far from ideal, but I honestly had no other options and I’m having a blast working on this, so I hope something cool will come out of it! For now, I would ask you to keep your eyes on Eskema Games and maybe check out the company’s latest game, Delta Squad? I had absolutely NOTHING to do with that game because it was released way before I joined, but supporting it supports the company I work for, which always comes in handy! It also underperformed, so it could use all the love you guys can give it.

Also, let me quickly point something out: about a year ago, an anon asked me if i was going to include Danganronpa characters in this project. The question is here, in case anyone needs a reminder: https://miximax-hell.tumblr.com/post/181991994534/hey-there-since-youre-doing-miximaxs-with-game Well, I FINALLY got my hands on the DR Trilogy for PS4, so I’ll be looking into that and seeing what I can find! If that anon is still around, I hope I can make them happy.

But let’s cut to the chase already!

As I always make sure to clarify, yes, I do massively ship Endou and Yagami. But there’s thankfully much more to EnYaga (the miximax--if I need to talk about the ship again, I’ll just call it Endou x Yagami) than just “yeah, I ship them.” In order to understand the reasons behind this combination, though, we must venture into two very different subjects: what reasons there are to choose Yagami to begin with, and the life story of yours truly. I swear both are important to get the full picture, but I’ll keep the latter as brief and free of unnecessary information as possible, even if it’s definitely the longest and most complex part. So, without any further ado, let’s see what makes this miximax valid within the logic of this project.

A big chunk of what makes EnYaga work was explained exactly three years ago, here: https://miximax-hell.tumblr.com/post/131215636268/when-the-king-enters-the-room-the-world-stops-and

The tl;dr would be that Endou plays as a goalkeeper, but also as a libero! Being such radically different positions, it’s to be expected that he would need two different miximaxes, because it would be rather difficult to find an aura that improves his field skills (shooting power, speed, etc.) and his goalkeeping abilities at the same time. Thankfully, Yagami gives him the exact abilities a good libero needs to be able to excel--especially when that libero has the pressure of being part of most of the strong hissatsus the team can pull off. So, for more info on EnYaga’s powers, please check the link above. (And note that, of course, this miximax only marginally improves Endou’s goalkeeping capabilities.)

I have also talked in length about the relationship between Endou and Yagami, but here’s a very brief summary. During the in-game events of IE2, Endou gave Yagami hope when all she wanted was to die to atone for her sins, thus saving her life in the process. In return, she wanted to give him the strength to fight when he needed it most as a way to repay his kindness towards her.

Yagami’s innate abilities and the bond they share are the more logical reasons behind this miximax. There is, however, one extra reason to include this miximax in the project.

There have always been three main rules here when it comes to choosing auras:

1. Only characters that come from universes predominantly inhabited by humans (or very human-like creatures, like Zelda’s Hylians).

2. Only one character from every franchise, unless they are Level-5 franchises. In that case, I may use up to two per franchise. Examples of this are Danball Senki/Little Battlers eXperience (with Toramaru and Megane) and Professor Layton (with Fudou and Shishido).

3. One aura coming from every single (and proper) Inazuma Eleven game on the market. Those being Inazuma Eleven, IE2: Fire, IE2: Blizzard, IE3: Spark, IE3: Bomber, IE3: Ogre, IEGO: Light, IEGO: Dark, IEGO Chrono Stone: Raimei, IEGO Chrono Stone: Neppu, IEGO Galaxy: Supernova, IEGo Galaxy: Big Bang, Inazuma Eleven Strikers, IE Strikers 2012 XTreme, and IEGO Strikers 2013. I’m not counting Everyday, SD nor unreleased titles. So far, I have 7 out of 15.

From the beginning, I have wanted Endou to have nothing but Inazuma Eleven-only miximaxes. I mean, he’s the main character and all!

Needless to say, Yagami is part of the Inazuma Eleven miximaxes--in fact, she takes the IE2 Blizzard spot, if anyone is curious about that very specific detail. She is obviously a very predominant character in that game, having a relevant impact during the final match against The Genesis and even (spoiler alert for a 10 years old game) by injuring Kazemaru earlier, because he didn’t just leave like he did in the anime--Yagami sent him to the hospital when he started matching The Genesis’s power. Since she’s a main character in that game, and considering that many of the other important characters introduced in it become part of the teams that make up this project (such as Hiroto, Midorikawa and maaaybe Saginuma), Yagami was the perfect candidate. She was also arguably the strongest among the remaining main characters of IE2, and the only midfielder. Not to mention the bond she shares with Endou, which only rounds it all up even more.

So, as a brief summary, Yagami is an Inazuma Eleven character (which is exactly what I wanted for Endou) and a very strong player, she provides Endou with everything he would need to be a good libero (incredible speed, great shooting strength, being a midfielder and the stamina that inherently comes with it, powerful hissatsus, and so on), she shares a canonical bond with Endou, the contrast between their personalities is super interesting to explore, and there are reasons why even she would want him to take her power. He can hardly have it better! It makes a lot of sense, and it’s all heavily based on canon, so I don’t need to explain much in that regard. That’s always convenient.

But there is another side to all of this. My side.

I first started working on miximaxes with the idea of only making 4 or 5. I simply meant to give extra love to some of my favourite characters to make myself and a few friends happy. This never became a full-fledged project until my good friend Heather, who used to be on Tumblr under the username @ishidoshuuji, said she wanted to be able to reblog the Seitei x Yuuichi miximax I had drawn for her. In other words, this: https://miximax-hell.tumblr.com/post/129863262149/well-it-was-about-time-i-started-using-this-blog

Before that, miximax-hell used to be a private blog: one of those you can only check out if you have the password. I never thought ANY stranger would be interested in it, so why expose myself like that? It would only make me feel bad. I could have never imagined over a hundred people would follow me here, and even less so considering that only about 10 of my friends follow this blog. So I have to thank Heather because, even if 100 isn’t a big number at all here on Tumblr, I still appreciate each and every person who stops by and it’s helped me meet some incredibly lovely people.

Back to the subject, though. This story is directly linked to MamoDai’s. The important part of it was that EnYaga’s design isn’t mine, and so isn’t MamoDai: the former is completely not mine (even if, as the sketch above suggests, the concept was first doodled by me), while the latter was only partially mine. The thing, though, is that the same person made EnYaga and “collaborated” on the creation of MamoDai, which meant I let them into this very personal solo project twice. If you want to check out the full story, though, you can read it here: https://miximax-hell.tumblr.com/post/142160652319/you-should-have-seen-this-one-coming-come-on

As I was saying, miximax-hell is a solo project. It’s something for me to enjoy, for me to think about, for me to develop, for me to improve at designing character, and for me to decide on. I set the rules and I come up with suitable matches--or what I think are suitable matches, that is. ww I’m definitely open to suggestions if anyone is willing to share their thoughts with me, and fanart is always, always, ALWAYS welcome, of course, but I don’t borrow other people’s ideas nor designs. Not because those designs and ideas aren’t fantastic, nor because I’m not allowed to, but because the point of this blog is to have fun and improve my skills. If I don’t do it myself, it’s kind of pointless, so I prefer a bad design made by me over a great design by someone else. Also, if people were to check all of these things out, I wanted it to be because of my work, not because someone super well-known was part of it and people were desperate to get more content from them.

When I first came up with this project, though, someone very close to me wanted to be part of it. Not because they found it interesting per se, but simply because it was mine. I had previously declined an offer to join one of their projects because I lacked the necessary skill, so they wanted to join mine instead. And don’t get me wrong--I appreciate the interest even now! But, again, it beat the point and I had to refuse. Looking back, I’m very glad I didn’t give in, but I felt awful back then and this person must have felt really bad too.

That’s why I made that exception and suggested, “Hey, why don’t we create a miximax together?” That’s how MamoDai was born. But while the interest in working on MamoDai seemed... scarce, this person came up with and gave me something out of their own accord: the EnYaga miximax design I still use to this day.

Now, here’s the thing: EnYaga was a proper gift that person made for me, and I always honour gifts. If it had been a random doodle, like I have received others in the past, it would have ended there. But when someone puts true effort and time into making something especifically FOR ME, regardless of what happens between us later, I still treasure it forever. And this gift came from a person who, apparently, really wanted to be part of this project when I first came up with it, which, honestly, put me in a tight spot. The least I could do was accept this design, which I loved almost as much as I loved them, and incorporate it to my lineup.

EnYaga was going to happen regardless, because I was working on it myself, but this person beat me to it (with such incredible quality, too, which I would never be able to hold a candle to) and, after what I made them go through with my continuous rejections, I had to honour them somehow. It was my way of saying, “I can’t let you do this for me, but I deeply appreciate the thought.”

This person is now out of my life, though. This means that, honestly, I could just get rid of the design. They would never know, and I would be happier with something of my own even if it sucked in comparison. They would never feel offended either--not like they would even if they knew, because it’s obvious they don’t care about me anymore. It would be easy and 100% painless for all parties involved.

But EnYaga is a token of the bond we once shared and I treasure that, even though I don’t want anything to do with that person anymore. It portrays the fun and happy times, not the sad and bitter ending. Happiness is always something worth remembering, isn’t it? And maybe, just maybe, thanks to the wonderful people I’m close to and my eternal love towards Endou x Yagami, I might one day be able to completely forgive the bad and focus on the good, so I can smile when I look at EnYaga and think of this person. I look forward to a day when there isn’t an ounce of bitterness left in my heart (although I am one revengeful and spiteful piece of poo, so it might never happen). And for that possibility alone, it might be worth it to keep making this one exception and let this miximax be someone else’s. Especially now that I have DoYaga to call my own.

So that’s it, folks: not only do Endou and Yagami make for a sick combination in theory, but it’s also a miximax with deep sentimental value for me in so many different ways. So even if it had been someone else’s idea and the two characters were a terrible match in all senses, chances are I would have still kept it. Thank goodness it wasn’t the case. ww

And all because I didn’t finish the design fast enough on my own. May that be the lesson to learn from this: hurry the heck up, self.

[impracticaldemon]

Chaos Theory: Sasuke Ch. 2

by impracticaldemon

Chapter 2: The Oda Strike Back  

Author's Note: The sequel to my first Ikesen Sasuke story (Do You Have a Fever?). Welcome to chapter 2. Chapter 2 still isn't ns/fw. Sorry. On the bright side: Mitsuhide.  Also, Chapter 3 is also done and much steamier.

Thank you to all for your support, kind notes, reviews, fun tags and so on!

~ Impracticaldemon  [Read on FFN HERE]

The Oda Strike Back

I didn't see Sasuke for over a week after The Episode of the Wardrobe Malfunction (also playing in my embarrassing moments highlight reel as The Day I Got High and Snuggled Sasuke). A week wasn't actually very long, but I harboured deep suspicions that his buddy Yukimura was keeping him away with comments like, "You can't trust those wild boar women, Sasuke—show even a moment's weakness, and they're all over you."

Of course, that was probably unfair to both guys. Sasuke wouldn't tell even his BFF—Sasuke's term, employed with his customary lack of expression—about what had happened. Probably. And Yukimura and I got along pretty well now, except when his tactlessness got the better of my patience. He just doesn't have my appreciation for your charming naiveté, noted my inner Mitsuhide, before I slammed the (mental) door on his comments.

In any event, whether it was Sasuke's gift of ibuprofen that helped me, or the unintentional snuggling, I got over my cold in record time, and then spent a week hoping to see my fellow time-traveler so that I could apologize for my behaviour. Inevitably, certain people made a point of commenting on my occasional lapses of attention.

"How are you feeling today, Chieko?" asked Mitsuhide, his lips curving into what the naïve might call a smile. Apparently, he was spending some quality spymaster-conqueror time with Nobunaga this morning.

"Fine, thanks. Why do you ask?" I paused, politely handed Nobunaga his morning correspondence, and then added, "It was just a cold, and I recovered six days ago." I gave him my haughtiest don't-mess-with-me-this-morning look. A pointless effort, but he'd asked every day since I'd—completely accidentally, and while under the influence of opium—pressed my aching head into Sasuke's surprisingly well-defined chest. For the record, Sasuke had done a fine job of holding on to me once I was there, so—

A soft huff of amusement from the white-haired Machiavelli of the Oda forces suggested that I might have inadvertently lost focus at a bad time. I glanced up at Nobunaga to see whether he'd noticed anything, but he appeared to be skimming through the letters I'd brought. I resumed my attempt at a withering glare, and tried to will away the ridiculous—and entirely uncalled for—blush that was creeping across my cheeks.

"I am merely concerned about the health of our dear chatelaine, after her recent illness." Mitsuhide's long, white lashes concealed the predatory gleam that no doubt lurked in his snaky golden eyes, but nobody was fooled.

"Perhaps; however, you do keep asking." Nobunaga's incisive tones were curious, rather than annoyed, but they demanded a response. So much for my small hope that Azuchi's premier candy thief wasn't paying attention. "She doesn't look ill, Mitsuhide, she looks infatuated. Does it involve you in some way?"

What?!

"I am not infatuated with—with anyone!"

Mitsuhide ignored me. "Alas, I do not believe that I am the object of her desire," he lamented, with patently false regret. Nobunaga shot him an oddly appraising look, but his so-called left-hand man merely returned his usual slithery smile.

"Well, Chieko? If it's not an entanglement with Mitsuhide, then what is it?"

I kept my eyes on Nobunaga, unwilling to risk looking at The Bane of My Existence. A sudden idea skittered through my brain.

"I'm not entangled with anyone, Nobunaga. However, I must admit that my thoughts have turned to Mitsuhide quite often of late."

For once, if only for a fraction of a second, both men looked surprised.

"Really now?" Mitsuhide was suddenly beside me. "Do tell!" Now that he was looking down at me—and so close!—I felt just the tiniest bit apprehensive. He was a snake who preferred to play with his food before finishing it off. Sometimes I curse my powers of imagination.

I took a calming breath, and resisted the compulsion to look up into Mitsuhide's eyes. I addressed my reply to Nobunaga.

"You see, Mitsuhide has been like an uncle to me"—I thought I saw a look of appreciation cross Nobunaga's face—"and recently I've found that he comes to mind when I am faced with a difficult decision."

"I see." Nobunaga managed to imply enjoyment without actually changing expression. Then his attention returned to his desk. "Mitsuhide, we have work to do."

"Of course, my lord." Mitsuhide's eyes were gleaming with mischief, and I suddenly felt a qualm or ten about my decision to poke back a little. A slender finger caressed my cheek in a way that was not at all avuncular; I was unable to fully suppress a shiver—of apprehension, mostly. Only mostly? Good grief! "Good morning then, my dear Chieko. Rest assured that I will keep an even closer eye on you, now that I know how much you look up to me."

I managed a rather sickly smile as I left. Baka! Idiot! What the hell were you thinking? Mitsuhide Rule Number One: Do not, under any circumstances, try to play his game—any of his games. You will lose, and not even the occasional, fleeting victory is worth it.

When I got back to my room, I decided to go down into the market instead of returning to work with the seamstresses as originally intended. Maybe I could find Yukimura, and warn him that Mitsuhide seemed to be uncomfortably aware of Sasuke's activities in and around the castle. When Inner Mitsuhide snickered at the word 'activities', I may have snarled aloud.

Unfortunately, Yukimura wasn't in his usual spot. My heart sank, although I tried to keep the disappointment off my face as I pretended to browse the wares in nearby shops and stalls. After half an hour of searching—and a rather convoluted walk around the market area—I was forced to admit how much I'd been hoping to see Sasuke again, and how worried I was that I might not see him again for a long time.

"Hsst, ojō-san! A moment of your time!" The words were pretty standard for both beggars and merchants, but the hushed tones made no sense. Plus, who used words like 'psst' and 'hsst' outside of old novels?

I was about to take a quick step back—strangers trying to kidnap me had been an issue in the past—when I realized that the stooped, oddly-dressed figure was the man I most wanted to see. He was wearing the traveler's traditional flat straw hat, and strange clothing, but it was Sasuke. My heart started to beat a little faster, and my attempt to play it cool failed miserably as I rushed headlong into the narrow, shadowed lane.

"Sasuke! I've"—one hand gripped my shoulder, and another pressed against my mouth, preventing further speech.

"Sorry Chieko, we need to get out of here. Okay?" Sasuke sounded apologetic, but didn't remove his hand until I nodded. His fingers seemed to linger on my face for a moment longer than necessary. A weird part of my brain replayed the sensation of Mitsuhide's mocking caress earlier, cataloguing similarities and differences. Then the hand on my shoulder slid down to close firmly over mine, and a giddy, swooping feeling in my stomach made me a little light-headed. I winced internally as I felt the goofy smile hit my face. You are an independent, adult woman, not a fourteen-year-old with a crush! Despite my best efforts, Mitsuhide's smirk flashed across my mind, followed by Nobunaga's irritatingly knowing expression.

Sasuke was already moving by the time I got my head together, and I had to hurry to keep up with him. Despite his obvious anxiety to leave town quickly, his grip never tightened too far, nor did his pace increase beyond what I could handle in my kimono and sandals. For some reason, I could feel myself smiling again. Pull it together, Chieko! He's just a considerate guy, not some kind of hero. I mean, you didn't see him for a week, and now he's dragging you off somewhere without an explanation! And you're happy about it! (Mental eye-roll.)

Out of nowhere, my usually quiescent—more like comatose—romantic self downed a few shots of espresso, sat up, and took umbrage. And how many considerate guys have you actually met in the last couple of years? Right? So shut up! I had a point, I conceded, blithely going where I was tugged.

Actually, Mitsunari was often considerate, if not always helpful. And Hideyoshi could be very considerate, once you got past his—let's be honest—obsession with Nobunaga, and if you didn't mind Extreme Fussing™. Masamune was a good guy—and a great cook—despite living life at twice normal speed. In fact, they all had their own ways of being kind, even Mitsuhide, although his version was subtle, and usually involved him entertaining himself at your expense while helping you. Fine, noted my romantic self, now sipping gently at a mild green tea with lemon, but you're not holding hands with any of them.

We traversed several of Azuchi's less pleasant lanes and back-streets, before emerging onto a footpath leading across a meadow toward a not-too-distant wood. It was a beautiful day, and bright flowers were scattered throughout the waving grasses. Sasuke came to an abrupt halt at the edge of the meadow, and I careened into his back. He automatically helped me to regain my footing, but his eyes remained fixed on some point ahead of us—at least, the glint of sunlight off his half-concealed glasses suggested that he was staring at something.

"Um—Sasuke?"

"I'm fine. Just don't move."

I still couldn't understand what was wrong, but I did my best to obey, a little relieved to get a break from trying to hurry in geta. I continued to peer around Sasuke's side—though without moving too much. The grip on my hand tightened a little, and my companion looked down at me and then away.

"We'll have to go around. I'm sorry about this—it will be slightly harder for you underfoot."

"Sasuke, what are we going around?"

His expression didn't change, but his cheeks and neck reddened a little. Was he embarrassed? His expression was as difficult to read as ever, especially since his upper face was in shadow under his straw hat.

"…Could we discuss that later? Right now we have to get under cover. Though it was clever of you to lose them back in the market."

"Lose who?" I demanded, starting forward a little reluctantly this time.

"Lord Mitsuhide's agents. I thought that was why you travelled so randomly around the market area."

I was stuck on the first part.

"Agents? Mitsuhide's agents?"

"My hypothesis was erroneous, it seems."

We were moving again, but a little more slowly than before. The grasses in this area had been regularly scythed, and there were no flowers. There wasn't so much a path as a wide, rather barren field that appeared to go on all the way to the trees in the middle distance.

"I guess so—that you were mistaken. I have no idea what's going on." I was momentarily distracted by a different question. Or maybe I just had too many things to think about at once and fixed on something irrelevant. "I wonder why this area is all grass? I hadn't thought about it before, but it's like this all the way around the town, pretty much. Not short and hard-packed like this, but you know what I mean." You're babbling, dear. Yeah, I'd noticed, thanks.

Sasuke's grip loosened a little, as though he appreciated the break from more difficult subjects (whatever they were). Naturally, he knew the answer to my not-quite-question.

"Most castle towns are like this—in Europe as well as Japan, from what I've read. You don't want an army to be able to creep up on your castle or castle town. So you cut down the forest around the town. The area we're crossing now is where the Oda forces drill. That's why it's so hard underfoot, and the grass has bare patches."

"They've been at war for a long time, haven't they? All of them, I mean." After two months, I'd finally gotten my head around it, but sometimes the whole Warring States thing really hit me.

"Yes. Over a hundred years already—so not just the existing warlords, but their fathers and grandfathers and so on. It was a terrible time, but…" Sasuke slowed, and I knew without looking up that his expression had become both more animated and a little distant.

"But there were some brilliant and wonderful people?" I asked softly, not wanting to break this brief sense of being outside all of the bloodshed and disaster. I could pretend to be out on a summer walk with a friend, just chatting—for no apparent reason—about historical Japan. Do you always hold hands with your friends? No—now go away, you're interrupting my fantasy. …Which involves holding hands with a Sengoku fanboy named after a famous, but probably fictional ninja?

"Yes, exactly," said the fanboy in question. For a moment, I couldn't recall which question he was answering, and just stared at him blankly. "…Chieko?"

We were almost at the edge of the wooded area, but Sasuke stopped and peered at me as though trying to figure out why I'd stopped working. I found myself holding my breath, keenly aware of just how close he was now that we were facing each other. He still had my hand, and my imagination was starting to get the better of me.

"I was just thinking things over," I said hastily, trying to ignore the fact that he looked adorable, even in the ridiculous straw hat. Wait—seriously? Adorable?

"I see. It's true that there's a great deal to consider. For my part, although I can't condone the way in which violence is used as the first—and often only—approach to dispute resolution, I have come to greatly respect the warlords with whom I've served, even beyond my pre-existing, quite considerable admiration. I suspect that they are all suffering from various mental health issues, but despite this, they seem more alive, more vibrant, than most of the people I know back home."

I found myself nodding at his words, and saw his lips curve into his rare, rather shy smile. My heartbeat sped up further. "I'm glad we can talk about things like this, Chieko," he told me earnestly. "I mean, I realize that you are the only other time traveller here—that I know of—but, just for the record, I consider myself fortunate that you were the person who was inadvertently trapped here with me."

"Oh…" I managed feebly. Was that some kind of confession, or was Sasuke just that oblivious?

There was a short, possibly awkward silence. Then Sasuke's eyes went very wide behind his glasses, and he quickly took a half-step backward, letting go of my hand. This time the blush was unmistakeable.

"I'm sorry—I didn't mean—that is, we should keep going. This is all because of the—of them—being in the way when you were sick. Chaos rides on their fluttering wings. I should have known that something like this would happen."

Sasuke's last two or three sentences were muttered under his breath and largely incomprehensible to me. I had the impression that I wouldn't have understood even if I'd heard him properly.

We slipped under the shade of the trees just a few minutes later, and Sasuke took off the hat and peasant's kimono he'd used as a disguise—principally for changing his outline, he explained, although the hat was also useful for concealing his glasses (less reflected light off the lenses). Before I could ask any questions, he told me that we were "almost there," and moved silently away. His cheeks were no longer red, but he still wouldn't meet my eyes.

Despite Sasuke's assurances, it took another twenty minutes to reach our destination. Yukimura was waiting at the door of a small wooden hut, looking just about as twitchy and irritable as I was starting to feel. My sandals were pretty, but not appropriate attire for hurrying over rough ground, or through the woods. And my sore feet were the least of my worries.

"Sasuke! Where the hells have you been, moron?! You were supposed to be back here an hour ago—at least!"

"I'm sorry I'm late," Sasuke replied calmly, pausing to exchange a complicated fist bump that looked distinctly out-of-place in Sengoku Japan. "Things came up."

"What's that supposed to mean? You said you needed to tell Chieko about some stuff and then we could go. Have you even told her anything yet?"

"Hi Yukimura, nice to see you again," I said politely.

"Right—hi. I'm afraid we've got go now. Akechi's really turned up the heat in the last few days, since Sasuke's last mission went wrong somehow."

They were returning to Kasugayama? For good? I brushed away a sudden—and totally excessive—sense of disappointment. And something went wrong with Sasuke's last mission? Anything involving Mitsuhide was potentially dangerous.

"Sorry, I really don't know what's going on. Sasuke kind of grabbed me from the market and now we're here." I gave Yukimura my best innocent bystander look. He frowned, but it wasn't the scowl that I used to get. His eyes flicked over to Sasuke, and I sensed something like concern. I was impressed with the lack of eye-roll.

"Well? Do you need a bit more time? As long as you didn't accidentally lead anybody here—"

"I didn't." Sasuke's reply was unusually terse.

"Okay, fine. Just remember that everyone makes mistakes, even you, so—"

"I have never assumed that I am infallible, Yukimura. However—"

"Then stop beating yourself up for making one mistake, okay? It's annoying. Besides, we had to leave now anyway, as it turns out."

"…I understand."

This time, Yukimura did roll his eyes, but I couldn't blame him. What was going on with Sasuke?

"Alright, I'm heading out. You, uh, explain things to Chieko, then catch up to me." He gave me a quick nod, and a wry smile. "See you 'round, Chieko. Don't run off any cliffs after we've gone, okay?"

"Sure thing, Yukimura." My return smile wasn't feigned—it was an old jibe, and the guy had saved my life. "Look after yourself, okay?"

"Yeah, sure. Although—" Yukimura hesitated, then shook his head. "It's just weird, you know? The people I need to watch out for most are your buddies on the Oda forces. And vice versa." The last was said with chilling sincerity.

"As I explained before," interposed Sasuke, "Chieko values personal friendships above the feudal ties of lord and vassal. She wants everyone to be safe."

Yukimura just shook his head again—at me, at Sasuke, at life in general. "That's not how it works. But—hope you can stay out of the worst of it, Chieko. See you soon, Sasuke. No offence to Chieko, but we've got some feudal ties to honour. And Lord Kenshin won't go easy on you if you're late."

"I am aware of the value that Lord Kenshin places on loyal service. I will rendezvous with you tomorrow."

"Tomorrow?! You're using weird words again, but tomorrow? We're due back—"

"ASAP. I know. But I have a few more loose ends to tie up."

There was a brief stare-off, then Yukimura shrugged. "It's your neck. Literally."

On that valedictory—and ominous—note, Yukimura turned and strode off. He navigated the undergrowth without difficulty, the sword on his hip and spear on his back as comfortable and familiar as his tunic and trousers. All at once I felt like I was seeing Sanada Yukimura the warlord, rather than Yukimura, Sasuke's merchant friend.

[END]

A/Note: 

Stay tuned for chapter 3, where things get decidedly more risqué! Okay, but Sasuke is just an overachieving cinnamon-roll and I ♥ him.

Tags:   @cherryb0mb79 @shell-senji @nalufever @hidetheremote @eliz1369 @iamaikotachibana @flower-dragon @canadiangaap @yum-chan  @llama-in-socks (thank you for wanting more!)

Thank you to @acrispyapple for your kindness. ♥ (also, Byron - nuff said)

[kpop-goestheweasel]

Safe Haven

OPTIONAL BIAS !!

Here’s something a little different; I hope y’all don’t mind. It’s been a really rough past couple months for me and after some news I got on Saturday, I’ve just kind of been a mess, so this was an odd bit of healing for me.

*Trigger warning: Mention of death

There is nowhere in the world more comforting than in his arms. His warm embrace is my safe haven. His strong arms wrapped around me is everything I need to know that it’s going to be alright. His beating heart thumping against my cheek is the only reassurance I need to hear. No matter what demons I must face, nothing can get to me as long as I have him. There is nowhere in the world that can bring me the happiness and completeness I feel when he holds me. And in those arms is where I find our love story.

- 5 years old. It was our first day of kindergarten and my very first time left alone in a strange place without my parents. I was scared and felt so lost and alone. I wanted nothing more than my mum’s comfort… but that’s when I first experienced his.

I sat on the floor wailing in my own sorrows before my little tantrum was cut short by two small arms wrapping around me from the side. Swallowing my sobs, I looked wide eyed at the boy that hugged me as he smiled sweetly at me, revealing his missing front teeth. I sniffled and slowly my own lips pulled into a small smile at the way his eyes had disappeared into crescents. With tears still glistening on my chubby cheeks, I gave a little giggle. “You look like a puppy,” I told him. “You look like a doll,” he replied with a little giggle of his own. My smile widened, proud of my perfectly done pigtails that each dangled in small curls on each side of my head, and the cute, flowery sundress I had been so excited to wear on my first day of school. It was a stark contrast to his Transformers t-shirt that already wore a stain over Optimus Prime’s face and his unkempt hair that stubbornly stuck up in the back. Still, he was the sweetest looking boy I had ever met. “Wanna be friends?”

- 9 years old. We had been completely inseparable since kindergarten. Even our parents had become rather closer from our friendship; turns out we were next door neighbours! And over the years, we had somehow managed to be lucky enough to be placed in the same class… until this year. I absolutely hated it! I had admittedly become dependant on his outgoing personality that contrasted so drastically with my shyness. He was the one that helped me out of my shell and without him I was a nervous wreck around strangers. This split had been one of the worst things to ever happen to me. I was too scared to talk to the other kids and would instead sit miserably silent through class day in and day out, waiting to go home and finally get to spend time with him. But as the year progressed, he started to talk more and more about the cool new friends he made in his class. Me, I had no new friends to speak of and slowly his enthusiasm over these others kids started to bother me until it finally lead to our very first fight.

“If you like your new friends so much, why don’t you just play with them?!” In confusion at my sudden outburst, he tilted his head and frowned at me. “Because they’re not here to play with,” he answered simply. Stubborn tears welled up in my eyes as I glared at the ground. I knew he hadn’t meant to hurt me, but his words were only like salt in my already tender wound. From there, our little argument escalated until I declared I wasn’t going to attend his birthday party and we weren’t friends anymore. Over the next several days leading up to his birthday, I stubbornly hid away in my house and refused to make amends every time my parents tried to coerce me to do so. During that time, he kept his distance as well. Until the day of his party.

An hour into his celebration, I remained at my own home, pouting in my room as I listened to his new friends next door yelling and enjoying themselves without me. I sat their wallowing in my own pity, sure that it proved he really didn’t need me since he had his own friends until my mum opened my bedroom door and told me I had company before moving aside to let him peek him. I stared at him with a confused pout; the kids next door were still making noise. I couldn’t understand why he wasn’t with them. Giving a little sigh he entered my room and sat on the floor beside me, looking at the stuffed animals I had set up in front of me. “What are you playing?” he asked as if we hadn’t been avoiding each other for the past few days. I frowned at the teddy in my hand. “Why aren’t you at your birthday part with all your friends?” My stubborn self refused to let him off too easy, even though I was dying to have my best friend back. Then, without warning, I once again found myself in his embrace, just as I had when we first met. “Because not all my friends are there. It’s not fun without my best friend.”

Even at my young age, that was when I realized that our friendship was truly one of a kind and certainly meant more to him than I had pathetically assumed. I vowed then to make sure to never again doubt him or take him for granted. “Come on. There’s a bouncy house at my party.”

- 13 years old. By the time I was nearing 14 years old, he and I were still as close as ever. Both of our parents and friends alike would often make teasing comments about how we were probably going to get married to one another some day, but we would both laugh off the thought like it was some absurd notion that would certainly never happen. We didn’t have feelings like that for each other, after all.

Our school situation had become better. At his party, he had introduced me to some of his new friends and taught me that it was okay to have more than one friend. Slowly, I had managed to come out of my shell even without him by my side and made a few new friends of my own. Included in this new group of friends was a guy that was pretty popular in our class. He was cute, smart and great at sports, but I didn’t exactly have eyes for him. Apparently, that platonic mindset wasn’t shared and soon enough there were weird rumors going around that there was something between us which he certainly wasn’t denying. No, he insisted on feeding into those rumours with added skinship and often singling me out with flirtations. It was awkward to say the least, and I had no idea how to handle the situation. To make matters worse, my best friend had seemingly become rather elusive just after the rumours had begun.

Nearly a week of this had passed before I finally found myself alone with my best friend at our favorite park. Still, he was unusually quiet, so I finally bumped him with my knee to get his attention. “What is wrong with you?” I questioned, going straight to the point. I hated the weird static between us and wanted my fun, light-hearted best friend back. Licking his lips, he kept his gaze directed to the group. “I don’t know.” I watched as he frustratedly scratched at the back of his head. “Are you really dating him?” I couldn’t help but to snort at the question. It was even more absurd than the thought of marrying the boy seated beside me. “Don’t you think you would have been the first to know if I was?” I questioned back. Honestly, there was a part of me that was a little hurt that he had thought I would have kept such a thing from him. Beside me, he gave a little sigh and dropped his head lower, shaking it slightly before turning it to look at me. “Do you like him?” This time I rolled my eyes. “I’d be dating him if I did, wouldn’t I?” A small grin pulled at his lips as he lifted his head. I watched his tongue moisten his plump lips before he gulped on a breath and fully turned to me and grabbed me into a tight hug. I stiffened momentarily, surprised by the action before I myself smiled and relaxed in his embrace. In the position I couldn’t wrap my own arms around him, but I could rest my head against his shoulder. “I’m sorry I’ve been avoiding you like a jerk. It’s just, I heard the rumor and saw him around you all the time and I just…” His chest rose and fell before he continued. “I know we’re best friends. And I guess maybe it would be weird, but I think I got jealous thinking that you were with him and not me.” My brows furrowed and I tilted my head, lifting it from his shoulder to look up at him. I wasn’t sure if maybe I heard him wrong or if I was getting ahead of myself and assuming things, but the thought of being something more than his best friend set my heart racing. And the way he looked down at me, wearing an expression that seemed to be somewhere between pleading and anticipation, caused me to momentarily forget just how to breathe. A whirlwind of emotions had scooped me up and I wasn’t sure just what to make of it all until his lips pressed against mine.

That was the moment the dynamic of our friendship became something so much more, so much deeper than I ever would have imagined. We weren’t just best friends anymore.

- 16 years old. 3 years as a couple and I truly couldn’t have been happier. He was still my best friend, but he was also my boyfriend and one of the best things to ever have happened to me. Not to brag, but I was pretty much the envy of all the girls in our class. He treated me like a princess and made my happiness a priority. I cherished every moment with him, even those stupid moments of just being dorks together and starting up spontaneous little role plays or teasingly chasing each other around in random games of keep away. I especially cherished those moments. But even besides being an amazing boyfriend, he was also my number one supporter. Whenever I needed encouragement for whatever it may be: studying, practicing for sports, or working toward whatever dreams I had, he was always there cheering me on. He made me strive to be my very best, and I couldn’t have been more thankful.

The day of our third year anniversary, I had made up my mind that I wanted to give him the only part of myself I had yet to do so. It happened to work out that my parents had gone away for the weekend and since we had been friends for so long, it wasn’t an odd occurrence for us to stay the night at each other’s place even though we lived just next door to one another.

I can’t lie and say our first time had been perfect; we were both incredibly nervous and a bit clumsy, but I wouldn’t trade that experience for the world. Afterward, I found myself snuggled in his arms as we laid gazing at one another with goofy, giddy smiles on each of our faces. I knew then that he was and would always be my one and only. The way he held me and kissed my forehead as he reminded me once again that he loved me… I was ruined for any other man. And I would have it no other way.

- 17 years old. The tears wouldn’t stop streaming. I couldn’t believe this was happening. It truly felt like the world was ending. I had known this day was coming for weeks, but I didn’t want to believe it. I couldn’t accept it. This was the very first time I found myself in his arms but couldn’t find the comfort I needed. After all this time beside him, I didn’t think I would be able to survive without him. He was everything I knew. I am the person I am because of him. But even as I buried my face in his chest, muffling my sobs, I already felt torn from him. He stood stiffly as he held me and his chest rose and fell in erratic breaths letting me know I wasn’t the only one suffering. I knew he was trying to hold back and be strong for me, but I’m not sure if that helped or made me feel all the worse. He was such an amazing man; anyone would be lucky to have him. And that was one of my greatest fears. No matter how many times he had assured me or how many different ways he had denied it, I couldn’t help but to imagine him finding someone new as soon as I left his side. Love was such a fragile, fickle thing. How was it going to endure with a whole ocean between us?

“Please don’t cry, Jagiya,” he pleaded desperately. I closed my eyes and hugged him tighter as I felt his lips press against the top of my head before the wet warmth of his tear followed. “Nothing is going to change. I’m still going to love you tomorrow as much as I loved you yesterday. We’ll be together again before you know it.” Still I couldn’t speak. All that escaped me was a pathetic whimper as I clung to him with all my might. I wasn’t ready to say goodbye. I wasn’t ready to let go. I wasn’t ready to move halfway across the world and start a whole new life. I hated my parents for accepting the promotion that meant moving to America. I hated that they refused to leave me behind. What happened to their teases about me marrying this man? “Come on Sweetheart. We’re going to miss our flight,” my mother called out. I glanced at them, honestly doing my best not to glare. Two sympathetic frowns stared back at me. Of course they knew what they were doing to me, but I can’t imagine they truly knew how much I was hurting. “It’s not a goodbye. It’s a see you later,” my father added before gesturing for me to hurry with my farewell. Turning my attention back to my love, he gave a nod of agreement; though his own eyes glistened with unshed tears. “I’ll call and text everyday. You’ll get sick of me yet,” he promised, giving me a small, sad smile as he petted a hand over my hair. “I’ll see you later.” With one last kiss, he sent me off to my new life… without him.

- 19 years old. 2 years passed since the last time I saw him. Distance had truly been the hardest thing we had ever faced. There had been a couple arguments over that time and slowly we talked less and less as feelings seemingly began to fade. But he was my first love and I couldn’t bring myself to love another. Still, I couldn’t selfishly keep him to myself either. He was an amazing guy and deserved to give all the love he had to someone that was there for him. My heart was heavy as I thought of bringing a closure to our childhood love, but I somehow managed to finally send him a farewell and let him go. Maybe it was cowardice of me to do it through a long, heartfelt email, but I couldn’t bring myself to call him and hear his voice; I knew I would probably have lost my nerve had I done so, and a text seemed far too impersonal and though we grew apart, he deserved better than that. After that email, I didn’t hear back from him. I didn’t know exactly what I expected in return. What kind of closure could he offer me after an ending like that? Still, every day that passed without even a stupid ‘ok’ to let me know it was officially over slowly tore me apart.

5 days. They were probably the longest five days of my life, but that was how long it took to finally receive my answer from that email. And as he stood before me in the doorway of the coffee shop I worked at, I could hardly bring myself to believe it was truly him. His gaze bore into me as I stood up from the table I had been leaning over to wipe down. I couldn’t tear my eyes from his, afraid that he may disappear. “Did you really try to pull the ‘if you love him, let him go’ on me?” he asked. I watched as he licked his lips, staring nervously at me. God, he looked so good. Those three years had been incredibly kind to him. No longer was he the boy I had left behind, but a man that had crossed the world to find me again after I sent him a stupid email telling him it was time to find someone new.

His chest rose and fell with quick breaths as he took a step closer. Still our eyes remained on one another, taking in all the changes in appearances, but also reflecting all the emotions those three years had held for us. “I know I’ve sucked at those daily calls and texts, but I meant it when I said I’d still love you the same as yesterday.” His adam’s apple bobbed. “There is no one else for me.” Finally, I found myself in his arms once again, and it was like those three years never happened. His arms were still where I belonged; I was finally complete again. Every ounce of love we shared before was still there, if not more. We still fit together perfectly, as if we were made for one another. And in that moment, there was no doubt in my mind that we were.

- 22 years old. The day my world truly did fall apart. It was so unexpected, I felt like everything I knew had been ripped out from underneath my feet. I was so lost; I didn’t know what to do with myself. And I would have completely fell apart if he hadn’t been there to hold me together. In all our years together and all the time he had held me, I never needed him as much as I needed him then.

They say it was a heart attack and he passed in his sleep. As grateful as I was that my father had died rather quickly and hopefully painlessly, I couldn’t help but to think of all the things we had yet to do. I felt like some of our greatest years together had been stolen. He wasn’t going to be there to one day walk me down the aisle. My children would never roll their eyes at his corny dad jokes or get to hear his ‘amazing’ story of how he had gallantly saved my mother from a jerk date when they first met (let’s just say her version of the story is a bit different). As much more believable it is to think of my dad tripping and breaking his wrist and my mum having to take him to the emergency room, it was much more entertaining to hear how he had supposedly beat up her date for being rude to her and had sustained his injury that way. I had always been daddy’s little girl. He was my hero. Even at my age, I’d still call him in the middle of the night to get his opinion over trivial things that at the time seemed to need immediate attention. There was no one in the world that could give advice like him. I couldn’t fathom living without his wisdom and everlasting patience with my stubborn self. But that was the reality I faced.

“I hate that there’s nothing I can do to make it better,” he whispered against my hair as he held me tightly. Up until then he had remained silent and just rocked me back and forth in his arms as I cried myself out. The tears had since dried and hiccups replaced my sobs as I stared blankly across the room. I felt so drained - emotionally, physically. I don’t think I could even form a thought anymore. Still, his arms were the only place I wanted to be. The world felt so much colder after I had received the news and his embrace was the only source of warmth. I just wanted to burrow myself into him and hide away from everything that remained while my father was no longer. To this day there are no words for how grateful I am to have had that man beside me on one of the darkest days of my life. He was so patient and perfect at comforting me, knowing that useless words were unnecessary. He knew that the only thing, the best thing, he could do for me was to just hold me and let me eventually pull myself back together. There was no rush to make me stop crying or get through my mourning process. I swear he could read my mind and knew just when I needed space and just when I needed comforting. He knew exactly when to crack a lighthearted joke to make me smile through my tears, and when to softly hum as he held me and let me cry myself empty once again. No man could ever replace my father. But my man sure did a hell of a job filling the hole in my heart that had been left behind.

- 25 years old. Many shared years has passed. Many times he’s held me in those arms and made me feel like the only woman in the world. That feeling has yet to change. Still, I find more comfort in his arms than anywhere else. Still, I get lost in his deep eyes and forget about the world around us. Even as we sway together on the dancefloor, surrounded by all our friends and family, as he holds me and smiles so lovingly at me, they all disappear.

“You’re staring,” he teased, his lips pulling sideways into a small smirk. It was such a cute contrast to the way his eyes still practically glimmered with affection. God, I loved this man. “So are you,” I giggled back before he leaned down and gently pressed his lips to mine. “I can’t help it. You look so beautiful,” he whispered, pulling me closer against him as we shared our first dance together as husband and wife. The day had been perfect. From the weather that thankfully cooperated for our tent wedding, to the way we had both somehow managed to make it through our vows without stumbling over our words. His father had sweetly taken the liberty of walking me down the aisle in place of my own, saying he had already considered me his daughter that he never had himself. He had even given his own son a light threat as we met at the altar. I had almost been moved to tears then at the teasing gesture, so grateful to already be considered part of the family.

Now we swayed together on the dancefloor as his best friend soft sang a sweet, slow love song. Smiling to myself, I rested my cheek against his chest and let my eyes close as I listen to the steady beat of his heart. There was so much love not only between us, but surrounding us as well. Twenty years I have spent with this man, growing together and making it through all that life threw at us. Even after all that time, I still managed to find my way back into his arms. And now I get to look forward to spending the rest of my life in his embrace… my safe haven.

[powerstrangerdacre]

By your side

Chapter III - Past

Summary: When Y/N finds herself hiding in Hawkins after a series of unfortunate events, she can’t help but feel strongly about Billy Hargrove, the king of her new school. Billy finds himself strangely attracted to, but also threatened by the girl. What will happen when she finds out his story and tells him her own?

Pairing: Billy Hargrove x Reader / Steve Harrington x Reader (platonic)

Warning: swearing, fighting, mentions of abuse throughout the story

Wordcount: 1520+

Taglist: @fangirlinganditswonders

AN: I do not approve of Billy’s behaviour in Stranger Things.(How much longer will I have to say that?) Finally the third chapter up! The next one will be going up sometime today or tomorrow... Tell me if you want to be tagged! I hope you like it! Thanks for reading!

PART 1 / PART 2 / part 3 / PART 4 / PART 5 / PART 6 / PART 7 (to be uploaded)

Billy’s POV

I knew something was wrong with me when I ended up in my Camaro, with Y/N in the passenger’s seat, softly weeping. This strong girl, the one who made everyone tremble with either fear or lust, or in my case, both, was broken, crying in my car. My denim jacket wrapped around her figure, and she somehow seemed small.

She slowly pulled herself together as I pulled the car in the parking lot of Pop’s, the pink and mint neon lights of the 24h diner illuminating our faces. She opened the glove compartment of my car with a determined look. Fumbling around through cassette tapes and empty cigarette packs, she pulled out a hair-tie. How she knew I had one, I didn’t know, but I was also not going to ask. She pulled her wild hair into a ponytail, making sure she looked presentable before getting out of the car.

We make our way inside, and I give Pop a nod and a smile and we walk to the back, sliding into one of the secluded booths. “What can I get you two?” a redhead with long hair asked us, giving me a huge, red-lipped smile. “I’ll have a vanilla shake.” Y/N says, taking the words right out of my mouth. “Same.” I answered curtly. We sat in silence for a while, before she broke it “This where you take all of your victims?” she asks, a smirk gracing her lips. I take the pack of cigarettes out of my jeans pocket, placing one between my lips before offering her one. I light both our cigarettes, just as the red-head makes her way back down to us with our shakes.

“Look, I don’t care what you think about me, but I didn’t have anything to do with what happened tonight.” I explain, and she laughs. “I know. I’m not stupid, Billy.” she says, and my heart skips a beat at the mention of my name. It was the first time she had ever said it, and the way it rolled through her mouth and over her lips made me feel something I didn’t know was possible. I stomped the cigarette bud out, taking my time to watch her place the straw sticking out of the milkshake between her teeth, before biting down on it.

“So, you’re living with Harrington?” I ask, not wanting the little spark of conversation we had between us to die. “Yeah.” she answered simply, urging me to continue. “Why?” is the only thing I can muster, the thought of them sharing something strong enough to make them live together making me uneasy. I hear her sigh before overthinking my question. “It’s complicated.” she states. “You guys together?” I ask her, making a smirk take over her blood-stained lips. “Why do you care?” she asks smugly, making me wish I hadn’t asked. “Don’t care. Just curious.” I try her, keeping my composure. “Yeah, we’re dating.” she states simply, and I feel my heart fall to my stomach. “Don’t care huh, Hargrove?” she laughs, making my eyes go wide.

I had let my guard down around her, and now she could read me like an open book. “We’re not dating, that would be gross. It’s really just a long story.” she says, sticking her tongue out slightly. “We’ve got time.” “Not one for your ears.” “Then let’s make a deal.” she looks at me, taking sips from her milkshake, urging me to continue. ”You tell me your story, and I’ll show you a good time.” I say simply. “Not interested in what you think would be a good time, but I’ll give you a deal. You tell me why you’re all beaten up, even though your knuckles are clean, and if it’s interesting enough, I’ll tell you my story.” she says leaning her back on the rest of the couch. “It’s a long story.” I answer, and she just laughs “We’ve got time.”

 Reader’s POV

“Wow.” was all I could muster as he ended his story. I knew we were similar, but didn’t think it was to this extent. “So… was that interesting enough?” he asks me, looking down at his feet. “Guess so.” I answer curtly, thinking about where I should start my story. “Your turn.” he says, and I shake my head. “I know… I just... don’t know where to start.” “With the beginning.”

 Flashback

I walk through the front door of my house, my twin sister Sara in tow. “That was so much fun!” she called, and I smiled at her. The fair was in town and she had been bugging me to sneak out with her, knowing that our parents wouldn’t let us go. I looked around the corner in the kitchen, making sure no one was at home. That’s when it all went down, shouting came from outside, and we both scurried up the stairs as we heard the front door open. Sara made it up the stairs, but I wasn’t that lucky. “WHERE WERE YOU?!” our step-dad called as he made his way to me. I turned around to be met with enraged eyes and the smell of alcohol. “Here.” I stated simply as he got even more close and personal if that was possible. “Don’t you even dare lie to me you little bitch!” he calls, throwing me out of the way. “Where’s your whore of a sister?!” he yelled out once again, before trying to make his way up the stairs, failing miserably due to his inebriated state. “She’s not here you drunk fuck!” I said as I saw him stumble down the steps after trying once again to stand up. “What did you say?” he asks, whirling to me like a hurricane that was just about to be unleashed. “I said you’re a drunk fuck!” I call out again, knowing that I’d rather have him take his anger out on me rather than on my sister. I was tough, I could take a beating, and not break at the end. Her on the other side, she was sensitive when it came to things like this. She would probably not be able to recover if he was ever to lay a hand on her. And I was not going to let that happen. He gripped me by the collar of my jacket, before throwing me into the old glass cupboard we had in our living room. The glass broke, and shards cut at my skin as I came tumbling down. I stood up, ready for another blow when I heard her sweet voice. “What the fuck is wrong with you?!” Sara called from the foot of the stairs, making my head whirl in her direction, fear filling me, and making him grin like a maniac. “Your sister lied to me and insulted me, I’m just teaching her some respect.” he calls out simply, making his way to her. “You’re a psycho!” she called out and if he was fuming before, now he was on fire. “Stop!” I say, making him turn to me but it was too late. His knuckles met her temple, and she was out like a match. “What the hell did you do?!” I yell out, making my way to her body, but she wasn’t breathing anymore. “RESPECT Y/N! That’s all I ask for! I am after all the king of this house!” he calls, and I feel rage feeling my body. I jump on him, anger taking over as I punch him over and over again until he was out. I looked over my sister’s lifeless face, tears filling my eyes. She didn’t deserve this. She was the sweetest person I ever knew, and now she was gone.

  “It should’ve been me. You know? I was the problem child. I was the one who got into fights over and over again. I was the one who turned up with black eyes and busted lips, while she was the one who took care of me. He didn’t care though.” I say, finishing my story. “He turned the whole thing against me, saying that I was a problematic child and had flipped out on my sister and him. I ran away after I was thrown out of school for what I supposedly did to my step-dad. I didn’t know where I would go but I just went away and then I ended up here. My real dad used to live in this town, he was friends with Steve’s dad and through that we became best friends. He took me in. He doesn’t even know what happened between me and my dad.” I finish, taking a shaky breath. “How’s that for a story?” I ask him as I finish my shake, only to see him looking at me with sorrowful eyes. “We’re the same. That’s for sure.” he says, grabbing my hand softly over the table. “And I get you… If anything, ever happened to Max… I’d never be able to forgive myself.” he sighs faintly. “Let’s just… get out of here?” he says, leaving six bucks on the table, before pulling me out of the diner, behind him.

[breeeliss]

[Miraculous Ladybug]: feed your focus

a little birthday present to myself :) apologies in advance since this one might be a bit of a rough ride ^^;

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[Chapter 1] [Chapter 2] [Chapter 3] [Chapter 4]

Link to Archive of Our Own: [AO3]

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Title: feed your focus

Summary: “It took a little over a week for Mayor Bourgeois to finally agree to an interview, but what he failed to do was confirm the identity of the other woman his daughter was pressing against the wall and kissing to within an inch of her life.”

Marinette befriends Chloe after a particularly shocking scandal that Chloe would much rather forget. Besides, the past is in the past, and there are much more fun methods to be used to distract each other.

Part 5

“Can I pick your brain for a second?”

Marinette looked up from the beat up moleskin she was writing in and saw Chloe staring out the bathroom window with her cheek pressed up against the lip of the clawfoot tub. “Sure. What’s wrong?”

Chloe shook her head, scooping up a handful of bathwater filled with salts, oils, and bubbles and pouring it over her bare knees. “Nothing. I’ve just been thinking about some things, and I thought you might add some perspective.”

“I mean, no promises, but I’ll do what I can.” She reached over to place her sketchbook on the windowsill and turned on the taps to the tub to add more hot water. “Want more bubbles?”

“Nah, I’m good. This oil you put in here is great though. And the bath salts.”

Marinette shrugged and nudged Chloe’s foot with her own under the water. “You looked miserable when you came over. Thought they might help. Besides, Sunday morning baths are a ritual in my house.”

“You seem like the overly romantic type to love reading and sketching while soaking in a bath on a sunny day. Talk about an Instagram aesthetic.”

Marinette splashed Chloe’s knees with a wave of soapy water and smirked. “You wanted to ask me something?”

Chloe nodded and stared down at the water for a few moments while she chewed on her words. She reached over to shut off the hot water and asked, “What happened when you came out to your parents?”

Marinette blinked and leaned back against the porcelain. “What do you mean what happened?”

“I mean, how did they react? When you told them. What happened right after?“

“I don’t know if you’d want all the details.”

“I’m asking, aren’t I?” she replied. “I’m curious.”

Marinette sighed as she leaned her elbows on her knees and scratched at the bun piled on the top of her head. “I don’t know where to start…”

“Was it the kind of thing where you sat them down in the living room, paced for dramatic effect, and dropped the bomb on them?”

Marinette laughed. “No, nothing like that. I was twenty and I guess one of the neighbors saw me making out against the door to my apartment with this girl I was seeing on and off. He asked my parents about my new girlfriend and needless to say they were very shocked and confused. When I came back from classes that day they confronted me and asked me what was happening. So….I told them.”

“Shit,” Chloe breathed out.

“Yeah. I mean, I was going to tell them soon. I wanted them to know, I just wasn’t sure how to start the conversation. But it’d been started for me, I guess, so I sort of just had to roll with it.”

Chloe was leaning closer now, mirroring Marinette’s position and reaching in between them to link pinkies with her. “How’d it go?”

Marinette gently swung their hands back and forth and kept her gaze towards the window. “Papa took it just fine. His sister has a wife, and he’s the type of person that doesn’t think he has a right to pass judgement on how people live their lives so long as they’re happy. He kissed the top of my head, gave me a hug, and didn’t say anything. He didn’t have to, I knew that he was alright with it.”

“And your mother?”

Marinette bit the inside of her cheek and squeezed Chloe’s finger. “She was quiet for a long time. She looked at me like she couldn’t hear me and asked me to say it again. So I did. And….then she looked at me like she couldn’t see me.”

Chloe’s other hand immediately came out of the water and rubbed Marinette’s calf. “Fuck, Marinette….”

“Something shifted is what I mean,” Marinette explained. “Like suddenly I was a stranger to her, because I had been hiding this huge secret from her all these years and now she was seeing me in a whole new light. When it finally hit her, she just started crying and couldn’t look at me.”

“Why?”

“She kept saying it wasn’t what she wanted for me. She was worried about what people would say and about how people would treat me. Don’t misunderstand, Maman has never had an issue with it where it concerned other people. But the moment it was me, she was terrified of how her side of the family would take things. What they’d say about me behind our backs and how they’d treat me at reunions, things like that. She was afraid of the judgement. For all of us, but mostly for me.”

Chloe nodded. “Family talks.”

“Exactly,” Marinette said. “It was more than that, too. She was afraid I was going to get spit on in the street for holding hands with a woman, or that I’d walk into a gay bar and never come out or something like that. And I get that. I really do think she just wanted something easier and simpler for me and this complicated things. But Papa was there next to me having my back, and the three of us talked for hours after that. And once the tears were shed and the air was cleared, Maman hugged me and said that I was her daughter and that she loved me with her entire soul. There was nothing that I could say that could ever make that untrue.”

Chloe smiled softly and brushed Marinette’s cheek with her knuckle so that she could turn to face her. “You’ve got great parents. They’ve always adored you, even I could tell.”

“Your father adores you too,” Marinette told her. “And he loves you, even if he has a funny way of showing it lately. You should never forget that.”

“I know,” Chloe mutters. “But sometimes it feels like there’s a conditional there somewhere. Like it only took one thing for that to all come toppling down. Like I had the power to completely break his heart. Now he’s treating me like a criminal, and I don’t feel like I even deserve to say anything to him.”

Marinette frowned. “You know that’s not true.”

“I can’t have him angry at me, Marinette,” Chloe whispered, her voice sounding thick at the end. “He’s the only family I have.”

“His head just needs time to catch up with his heart. And then you two can talk, really talk. And things will start to fix themselves.”

Chloe laughed. “Your optimism is really annoying.”

Marinette smiled and pressed a kiss to the back of Chloe’s hand. “You’ll be okay. And if you need anything, I’m right here.”

Chloe ran her thumb over Marinette’s knuckles. “I know. I don’t forget it.”

Marinette hadn’t really bothered to go through the trouble of truly getting to know someone for quite a long time. Or perhaps it was more accurate to say that she had never wanted to go through the trouble until very recently. Either way, being out of practice had made her forget what a sluggish process it could be and how much frustration had the potential to build in up in response to such a steep learning curve.

Learning Chloe was like learning a new language from scratch. Marinette had a decent collection of words and phrases that she could recall with ease. Chloe drank her coffee black in the mornings and with a splash of cream in the afternoons. She liked sleeping in her underwear and in the oversized t-shirts she stole from Marinette’s drawers. She often wore rings on most if not all of her fingers. She didn’t give off much body heat and always woke up with cold toes and fingers that she always warmed up against Marinette’s skin. She preferred candles and fairy lights to lamps and overhead lights. She was a beautiful singer who hummed songs in the shower every day.

The problem came when Marinette was forced to consider Chloe in larger contexts, and that’s when comprehension consistently failed her. Marinette knew that Chloe had folded up polaroid photos in her wallet that she smiled fondly at whenever she pulled them out, but Marinette didn’t know why she only did it when Marinette was sleeping or when she thought Marinette wasn’t looking. Marinette could easily tell when Chloe was in a mood where she didn’t want to be bothered and didn’t like to be touched, but she couldn’t tell if it was because she was angry, depressed, distracted, or distraught.

Marinette knew that Chloe had disappeared and didn’t want to be contacted while she was gone. But she didn’t know why, didn’t know where she could’ve gone, didn’t know if this was normal behavior for her, and didn’t know if this was the time for her to leave Chloe be or somehow intervene.

Something about the suddenness felt off and re-reading her succinct text did nothing but fill Marinette with more unease. But Marinette didn’t know Chloe well enough to know what she was meant to do — what the best thing to do was. So she cut her losses early and turned to Adrien.

Adrien tended to shut his personal phone off while he was handling Gabriel related business, which meant that Marinette wasn’t able to grab him on the phone until about five days after Chloe had said she’d be gone. The moment Marinette mentioned Chloe’s three week trip, Adrien seemed genuinely confused. Apparently he’d been on his way to meet her for a lunch date they’d planned close to two weeks ago. It wasn’t until he looked through the mountains of unread texts that he hadn’t yet gotten around to checking since he came back from dealing with his business that he realized Chloe had sent Adrien the same text she’d sent Marinette. Back in three weeks. Don’t call.

It seemed she was right to worry, because Adrien wasted no time jumping on the train and making his way over to Marinette’s boutique, bringing lunch from the restaurant he and Chloe were supposed to eat at and insisting that they needed to talk. Marinette offered up no resistance as she put on a pot of coffee in her office while Adrien sat at her desk and started frantically swiping through his phone.

“This is so bizarre,” Adrien said under his breath a few minutes later as he scrolled through Chloe’s Instagram, letting his food go cold next to him. “All of her social media’s been dead since she texted us. Facebook, Twitter, Snapchat, everything. She even turned all her locations off.”

Marinette sat on top of her desk and stared at Adrien’s phone from above. “Has she ever done that before?”

“No. She doesn’t unplug. Ever,” Adrien emphasized. “Whenever she goes on vacations or trips by herself, she always brags about it and posts constantly about it. I’ve never seen her go off the grid like this. The only time she’s ever come close was when that tabloid piece dropped.”

Marinette shook her head. “I already thought of that. I’ve been googling her for the past couple of days and all the big celebrity news sites and tabloids haven’t said anything about her. If there was something juicy she was running away from, they would’ve ran it already.”

Adrien laced his hands on the back of his neck and hung his head. “For fuck’s sake,” he mumbled. “Never a dull moment with her, I swear.”

“It must have been a last minute decision,” Marinette guessed. “Otherwise she wouldn’t have forgotten to cancel her plans with you before she left. Maybe that means something happened just before she texted us.”

“I’ve been so busy dealing with father’s finances that I haven’t really been checking up on her for the past couple of weeks,” Adrien said. “She seemed fine the last time I saw her. If anything, she seemed in a better mood than she had been for the past few months.” He peeked up at Marinette through his bangs. “Did she say anything to you recently?”

“Why would she tell me anything?”

“Don’t be modest. She spends just as much time with you as she does with me. She told me so herself. It’s not a stretch to think she’d confide in you about something that was bothering her.”

Marinette set her jaw. “Well, in this case it is. I don’t know anything.”

“Was she acting differently?”

“I mean, maybe there were some days where she had a lot on her mind and she was more quiet than usual. But like you said, she’s been in a really good mood for the most part. I thought things were getting better after all the drama with her and her father. So for her to just drop off the face of the Earth like this makes me think something’s seriously wrong. That’s why I called you.”

Adrien spread out his hands as if they were physically devoid of answers. “I don’t know what happened to her if that’s what you’re asking. But if you want a seasoned opinion, I’d say it was so bad she just needed to check out.”

“What do you mean check out?”

“She does that sometimes,” Adrien explained. “Chloe isn't easily bothered. But when she is, she doesn't react well. We got into a huge fight our last year of lycée, and she was absent from school for five days until she got up the nerve to apologize. Then when that scandal happened, she holed herself up in the hotel for close to two weeks and would only talk to me over the phone. I think the worst was when we were nine though.”

“What happened?”

Adrien sighed and hesitated for a few moments as he leaned back in his seat. “You have to promise you won’t talk to her about this until she decides to tell you herself. It’s a really sore topic and she hates when I bring it up.”

“That bad?”

He started fiddling with one of Marinette’s pens. “You know Chloe’s parents are divorced, right?”

Marinette shrugged. “I sort of assumed something like that. She never talked about her mother, not even when we were kids.”

“That’s because she really didn’t take the divorce well,” Adrien continued. “Her mother had been having a lot of affairs here and there before her father finally put his foot down. I’m not really sure what the reason was, but Chloe’s mother decided she just….didn’t want to be bothered with taking care of Chloe anymore. So her father kept full custody and her mother sort of just left. Promised she’d send gifts and visit her on the holidays, but that was about it. I don’t think Chloe goes out of her way much to call or visit her anymore. She’s become so indifferent she doesn’t see the point.”

“But I imagine she wasn’t indifferent when it happened,” Marinette said.

Adrien winced. “Definitely not. She was fine for a couple of days, but then I guess she couldn’t hold it in anymore because she wound up running away.”

“Like actually running away from home?”

“I don’t think she was gone for more than a day. But yeah. She left the hotel one day and didn’t tell her butler or her driver where she was going. She left a note in her room saying she was okay, but that she wanted to be left alone for a while. Once her father found it, he realized that one of her suitcases was gone along with a bunch of her clothes. The only reason I knew about all this at the time was because Chloe’s father had called my mother in a panic and she had to sit me down and ask me a bunch of questions. We were best friends, they thought I might’ve known something.”

“Where did she go for a whole day if she was only nine years old?”

“Well, that’s why she was only gone for a day,” Adrien explained. “They found her outside a bus depot crying because they wouldn’t sell her a ticket to leave the city. She’d just been wandering around at first — sitting in parks, looking through museums, that kind of thing. But I guess she had every intentions of leaving the city if only she was old enough to buy the tickets.”

Marinette swallowed. “Was she going to see her mother?”

Adrien shrugged. “I don’t know what she was thinking. Chloe never told me where she was planning on going that day. All she told me was that she missed her mother, and that she was just too sad to see anyone anymore. She was going to come back once she finally stopped crying whenever she didn’t wake up to see her mother making coffee in the kitchen.”

“So that’s what you think this is? A reaction to some hypothetically fucked up situation that neither of us knows anything about?”

“That’s all I’ve got,” Adrien replied helplessly.

Marinette snorted. “Yeah? Well I’ll put money on this having something to do with her father.”

“You don’t know that….”

“Don’t I?” she countered. “Did you know she’s been coming to see me at my place these past few weeks?”

Adrien’s eyes widened in interest. “You mean at your house?”

“On the weekends, she’s there almost constantly,” Marinette explained. “When she has time during the week, she comes over right after I close up shop and stays for as late as she can before going back home. She tells me that when she’s not with me, she’s with you.”

“Well, yeah,” Adrien answered. “Before I got busy with work I guess she was coming over more often. And we’ve been going out a lot more, too. What’s your point?”

“She’s barely home, Adrien. That’s probably why she’s been in such a good mood, because she’s been avoiding him. There wouldn’t be a need to spend so much time away from him if things between them weren’t two seconds away from exploding. Whatever happened to her to make her bolt like this, it had to do with her father. I’m positive.”

“Look, even if you’re right, what are you going to do with that information?” Adrien asked. “Confront him? Ask him what happened? You and I both know that’s not going to end well. It doesn’t matter why she ran off. We just have to keep an eye on our phones and the Internet to see if any news pops up. If she reaches out or we find out she’s not safe, then we can figure out what to do from there.”

Marinette raised an eyebrow and laughed. “Wait a minute….so we’re not going to try and look for her?”

“Did you think we were?”

“ Aren’t we?”

“No,” Adrien said shortly. “She doesn’t want us contacting her, which means she probably doesn’t want us looking for her. That’s a clear enough message to me.”

“This doesn’t sound like a cry for help to you?”

“It doesn’t matter if it is or if it isn’t. She’s not nine years old, Marinette.”

“I’m not infantilizing her,” Marinette glared. “I’m just worried. Three weeks is a pretty long time to spend clearing your head alone. A lot can happen and a lot can go through your head in that time without someone to pull you out of it.”

Adrien scowled and turned his chair to properly face her. “Maybe she doesn’t want anyone to pull her out of anything. I get you’re concerned, but if Chloe needs space, then she deserves to have it. This has nothing to do with us, so it makes no sense for us to start meddling.”

Marinette gripped the edges of the desk and glared into her lap. “It involves us….” she muttered.

“Just because she’s been confiding in us doesn’t mean we have permission to go poking our noses into her business if she doesn’t want us to.”

“You don’t get it!” Marinette insisted. “It’s more complicated than that.”

“Then uncomplicate it for me! Is there something I don’t know?”

Marinette snorted weakly at the irony and swallowed back all the secrets that Chloe had only given to Marinette, right along with the sordid details of a relationship that Marinette hadn’t ever tried to put into words. The weight of it all settled thick and heavy in her stomach, and she hoped the worry it was etching onto her face wasn’t obvious enough for Adrien to think she really was hiding something. She rubbed one of her eyes and quickly jumped onto a separate train of thought. “All I’m saying is that you know better than anyone else how terrified she is of disappointing him. He’s the center of her world, and he’s always given her everything she asked for because he adores her. How else is she going to react when he pulls all that out from underneath her and tells her that he suddenly doesn’t give a shit about her feelings?”

Adrien softened his gaze and bit the inside of his cheek as he reached out to lay a hand on Marinette’s knee. He waited until she was looking at him before he spoke again. “I’m not denying that, okay? Trust me, I know exactly what kind of nonsense he’s been feeding her ever since he found out about that woman she was with. I’m not trying to trivialize what she’s going through.”

“I know you’re not,” Marinette said. She sighed and looked up at the ceiling, smirking at the absurdity of it all. “She hurts , Adrien. I’ve gotten so used to her that whenever she lets things fester or starts to shut down, it makes me feel sick. Like I have to do something about it for her sanity and for mine. I feel like I got tricked into this, but now it’s too late because whenever I think about her having to wade through her father’s bullshit after she did nothing wrong….I don’t know, it pisses me off. She’s spent enough time alone.”

There was an inside joke that Marinette had with herself about Chloe — the only times where Chloe managed to be pleasant and approachable were the times when her father was around. He came to all of her concerts to record her acapella solos, he sat in the audience and held up decorated signs with Chloe’s name on it when she had a ten second speaking role in a play, and some days he’d surprise her outside of school by pulling up in his own car and coming to pick her up instead. The days where she jumped into his arms and hugged him — telling him how she loved him and laughing sweetly when he told her how much he loved her back — managed to soften how Marinette saw her for a few moments before Chloe slipped right back to her antagonism. Her love for her father was one of the more beautiful things about Chloe, and seeing it have to come face-to-face with his intolerance was like watching her slowly suffocate while her father looked on, thinking her growing silence meant compliance.

“It’s not just you,” Adrien promised her. “It makes me angry too. But sometimes Chloe doesn’t tell you things and doesn’t involve you in things even though you think she should. That’s just how she is. I’ve never really seen the point in stepping on her toes about it. That’s why I think we shouldn’t intrude.”

Marinette gave him a small smile. That certainly sounded like Adrien. He was very careful with his friends and wasn’t the type to pry or go against someone’s wishes even if he felt that it could be helpful. Unfortunately, Marinette wasn’t that passive. “Then who does she tell everything to?”

“No one,” Adrien chuckled. “Chloe doesn’t give all of herself to anyone.”

It was annoying how much the silence of Marinette’s apartment bothered her now. Before it had simply been an unfortunate side effect of living where she did, which Marinette gracefully accepted for the sake of taking advantage of the practical location and the beautiful view. Now it just felt uncomfortable, like the aftermath of a raucous celebration that left the space cluttered with an uncanny stillness after all the noise and excitement had been robbed by the late hour. She hadn’t realized how accustomed she’d become to sketching and going through bills in the kitchen while Chloe watched television in the living room, her running commentary turning into a calming hum in the background. It was hard not to laugh at Chloe when she got particularly shrill, and it actually put her in a better mood as she plowed through all the work she was forced to take home with her.

Now she couldn’t even pick up a pen without being distracted by the ringing in her ears and the echoes that pounded through the living room every time she so much as set down her coffee mug. It was less that she missed her and more that she’d become Marinette’s new normal, and having her so violently ripped out of her weekly routine made everything feel tilted. It made her spend more hours in her office and pile herself on with more work just so that she could push herself just enough to keep her mind from focusing on anything else but her job.

However, the ironic part about that strategy was that the more time she spent in her boutique, the more her discomfort about Chloe came barreling straight into her every time she saw the occasional customer loitering around in her store and pretending to examine her stock before skulking out the store with no purchases to speak of.

It wasn’t difficult to tell they were sent by Mayor Bourgeois. Every time she made eye contact with one of these customers or offered to help them look for something to buy, they took pains to get out of the store as quickly as possible as if they were afraid they’d been caught. They were often followed by strangers who’d come inside looking for their friends, cousins, or girlfriends while rattling off descriptions that perfectly matched Chloe’s to other customers before Marinette intercepted and gently pushed them out the store. And as if that wasn’t aggravating enough, every time Marinette’s phone rang, she wasn’t sure if she was speaking to a potential customer or gearing up for an interrogation about which local celebrities frequented her shop.

Marinette suspected that the excessive detail was because Mayor Bourgeois was also feeling anxious over the whereabouts of his daughter. Adrien had already told her that he’d been calling him regularly and asking for any information or insight as to where his daughter could have disappeared. Perhaps checking all of the places Chloe loved spending time in and speaking to the people who knew her the best was the most effective and logical strategy for finding information about Chloe, and Marinette really wanted to believe that this was the reason for all of her unwanted guests. But the surveillance made her feel like she was a suspect, and Marinette did not forget how much Mayor Bourgeois seemed to think Chloe was gambling away the rest of her reputation by playing frivolous games with another woman in an attempt to embarrass or spite him. She did not forget the night when Chloe told her that her father seemed to think Marinette was someone to worry about.

Every stare one of the mayor’s spies sent from the corner of their eyes felt piercing. Like they knew how close Chloe and Marinette had gotten. Like Chloe’s father knew. Like maybe this wasn’t just him indulging his paranoia, and maybe this was just a way of confirming for himself what he already knew for sure.

It bothered her so much during her walk back to her apartment at the end of the day that Marinette drew all of her blinds and checked the locks on her doors three times as if she were afraid that someone from the outside was peering into her space with malicious intentions. The fear had always been there since the morning after their first night together — what if Chloe’s driver wasn’t as discreet as she hoped he was, what if Chloe wasn’t careful enough, what if Chloe’s father was just a bit too nosy? A bit too perceptive?

After all, news that his daughter was amusing himself with another woman would be enough to infuriate him, and that anger directed at Chloe seemed like exactly the sort of thing that would make her react the way she did.

It didn’t matter that it was just a theory built on little proof. Marinette’s mind was already morphing the idea into a slew of negative aftermaths that were enough to make her feel like she was physically buckling under the pressure of the past few days. A week and a half with no updates. Adrien was just as clueless as she was. She was dreading doing to work tomorrow to face more of Mayor Bourgeois’s nonsense. She had so much work she needed to do and so much sleep that she needed to catch up on. And her apartment was still so fucking quiet that she couldn’t calm herself down long enough to think .

It wasn’t until she’d chased down one too many painkillers for her migraine and curled up on the couch with the warmest robe she could find that her cellphone, sitting innocently on the coffee table, began to look tempting. Marinette dismissed all of her work notifications and scrolled through her recent calls until she found Chloe’s number. She could already hear Adrien scolding her for the slip up, but she just needed to know. She needed to know what Chloe was thinking, what Chloe needed, and what Marinette was supposed to be doing. Perhaps Adrien thought that all this wasn’t his business and that he had no reason to get himself involved, but Marinette felt differently.

The dial tone rang five times while a dull ache began to press against the back of her throat. When the other line finally picked up, there was a long silence on the other end. Only the white noise of the air around the receiver and the dull sounds of what might have been traffic in the background were audible. Marinette could hear the phone shifting, but she didn’t dare break the silence first. Instead the two of them sat together and listened to the muted sounds of their breathing before Chloe spoke through her hoarseness. “ Is that you, Marinette? ”

Chloe didn’t sound angry. She sounded tired and quiet, and Marinette could tell her lips were close to the mouthpiece, as if she were cupping the phone close while she spoke. Marinette cleared her throat. “Yeah. It’s me.” She bit her lip and tried to smile. “Hi, I guess.”

Chloe snorted weakly. “ Hi .”

“I, uh….” Marinette began. “I’m sorry. I know you didn’t want me to call. I wasn’t going to, so I’m not sure why I did.”

“ To be fair, I knew the minute I sent that text you weren’t going to fucking listen to it. You never listen to me. I’m surprised you lasted this long.”

Marinette laughed, grateful that her tone didn’t sound harsh. “I think I did pretty good.”

“ By your standards, I guess.”

“An accomplishment all the same, though, right?”

“ I’ll mark it as a win for you in my diary later .”

The familiar banter was like a wash of relief and Marinette clung to it if only to convince herself that Chloe wasn’t as worse off as she knew she was. But Chloe’s soft laughter was short lived, ending with a long sigh that trembled at the end and made Chloe sound impossibly small. Marinette swallowed and figured she shouldn’t waste the phone call with things that weren’t important. “I just wanted to check on you. See how you are.”

“ I’m alright,” Chloe said. “ Just trying to get some fresh air. ”

“You’re outside?”

“ Sitting on the sill. Windows open. ”

“Where are you?”

“ Living room.”

“No I mean where are you?”

Chloe immediately clamped down. “ Somewhere. Don’t worry about it. ”

Marinette withered. “I can’t help but worry about it.”

“ Well I’m telling you not to ,” she replied, her voice developing a slight edge.

“Okay,” Marinette quickly amended. “Okay, okay, I’m sorry.”

Chloe hesitated. “I just….needed to get some air. Clean air. That wasn’t….touched by anything, you know? Everything was clogging up around me and I felt like I couldn’t breathe. That’s all.”

“‘That’s all’?” Marinette echoed. “You make it sound like that’s normal.”

“ Yeah, well ,” Chloe muttered. “ Welcome to a day in the life.”

Marinette hung her head. “Chloe, you can’t just say things like that.”

“ Who says I can’t?”

“I….I just mean that when you say things like that you make me worry even more. And then I wonder if you’re really alright.”

“ I told you I am .”

“Oh, stop it,” Marinette frowned. “You sound miserable.”

“ I’m tired, Marinette. It’s late. It’s been a long day, and I’m just trying to rest.”

“I know you better than that. You know I know you better than that.”

“ I don’t know what you want me to tell you, Marinette,” Chloe said.

Marinette took a few seconds to carefully order the words in her head so that Chloe wouldn’t react too sharply. “I want you….I only want to know what’s wrong. I know you say you’re okay but I know something’s wrong. Or that something happened. And I just want to know what it is so that I can help you.”

The line stayed silent, and then Marinette heard the sound of the window closing. “ I’m going to bed, Marinette.”

Marinette covered her face with one hand. “Chloe, please, don’t hang up. Please don’t hang up, I’m not trying to pry, I just want to understand.”

“No, but that’s the thing, you are trying to pry,” Chloe explained. “You didn’t call because you wanted to comfort me, you called because you hate being left in the dark. You wanna talk about how well you know me? Well I know you. And I know it kills you when you can’t be useful in a situation. That’s all this is.”

“I’m not trying to fish for information to soothe my own curiosity, and if you really think that’s why I would do this, then you don’t know me as well as you think you do,” Marinette said. “I’m not stupid. You’re hurting, I know something happened to make you feel like you had to run away from it and hole yourself up in a place where no one could find you. I just want to — ”

“ Help, I know,” Chloe interrupted. “ That’s all you want to do. Trust me, I’m very familiar with your M.O. Marinette the helper, right? Always have to involve yourself in everything because you’re so fucking sympathetic to everything. You’re so confident that you’ll understand everything. You’re so positive people are just going to open up to you and dump their worries onto you so you can swoop in and just fix everything. ” She laughed bitterly. “ You can’t fix shit just because you want you. Wanting isn’t enough. If it was, we wouldn’t have so many miserable people in the world.”

Marinette swallowed and set her jaw. “This coming from the person who had to bribe me to help her when things started to look sour, huh?”

“Fuck you.” Chloe snarled. “ I didn’t ask you to call me to check on me. I certainly didn’t ask for your help.”

“So why did you answer?” Marinette asked. “If you didn’t ask me to call and you didn’t want me to check on you, why did you answer?”

Chloe had nothing to say to that. She cursed loudly and Marinette could her her stomping around the room she was standing in, probably pacing or going for a walk like she tended to do when she was heated up. Marinette pinched the bridge of her nose and tried to bring the conversation back before it was lost.

“I’m not trying to force myself into anything,” Marinette defended.

“ Good, because you shouldn’t. This isn’t any of your business, have you ever thought of that?”

Marinette blinked. “...I think it’s partially my business, Chloe.”

“ Enlighten me. ”

Marinette scoffed. “Do you want a list? A discretion policy that you almost bribed me into, protection detail from the press that you didn’t want to face, making me lie to your father’s overpaid interns and assistants who are fucking crawling all over my place of business trying to catch you in something, thank you very much. And coming to my place to take cover from your father because you’re bored or you need a fuck or you’re too scared to talk to him. Trust me, I’m plenty involved in whatever bullshit you have going on in your life because you forced me into it. So excuse the fuck out of me if I feel like maybe I deserve an explanation when you decide to pick up and leave while I deal with the mess you handed to me.”

“ Oh, don’t pretend like you didn’t happily agree to it,” Chloe snapped. “ You didn’t have to say yes to any of that. You didn’t have to do anything. Everything you’ve got yourself wrapped up in, you wanted to do. Why do I suddenly have to wear my heart on my sleeve for your sake just because you decided to turn me into a charity project? Not everything about me concerns you .”

“No, it does concern me!” Marinette insisted. “It concerns me because you’ve put me in a position where it can’t possibly not concern me. We’ve spent months concerned with each other. You promised me you’d tell me things that were important because we both had stakes in this. You promised me you’d come to me if something happened. You were taking cover from your father in my house and you were sitting in my house , when you promised me that you’d tell me when he slipped something stupid into your head again. God forbid I care enough about what’s happening to you to believe in those promises.”

Chloe didn’t respond right away, and for a moment Marinette thought she’d finally volleyed her an argument she couldn’t return. But she always underestimated Chloe’s inability to sit with the possibility that she was wrong or that her feelings were the ones that were misdirected. It left her vulnerable to a type of scrutiny that Chloe had historically fought like hell to avoid, so she took Marinette’s words, sharpened them, and thrust them back with the intention of causing her harm. “ You make that sound awfully romantic. Is that what you think? We had sex a few times so now we have to tell each other everything because we care so much?”

“Screw you,” Marinette muttered. “That’s not what I meant.”

“ I think that’s exactly what you meant.” Chloe laughed. “ I don’t love you, Marinette. None of what I did was because I loved you. Me telling you what I’ve told you and confiding to you what I have wasn’t love. Don’t make the mistake and fit romance into this.”

“You’re the one bringing up romance, not me.”

“ You’re the one who told me you’re constantly pining for something consistent. Your exact words, right? I have no doubt you’re adding sentimentality where it doesn’t belong. You need to stop reading into things. You wanna know why I ask you for help and why I tell you things? The real reason? No bullshit and no sparing your feelings?” She paused for effect and enunciated carefully into the phone. “ I know you can’t say no to me.”

Marinette felt her eyes narrowing. “You’re awfully conceited.”

“ It’s not conceit,” Chloe clarified. “ You wanna know what happened after that tabloid piece dropped? I left my house to go for a walk to clear my head and figure out what I was supposed to be doing and I happened to pass your shop. And I hadn’t thought about you in years, but then suddenly you were appearing to me right when everything felt like it was going to shit. And then I remembered how you were in school. That despite how fucking infuriating you were, you thought yourself a goddamn superhero. If someone needed your help, it didn’t matter what kind of a person they were and it didn’t matter if they deserved it. You cut yourself open and bled dry for people because you enjoyed it. So I walked in. And I made you bleed dry for me.

“I knew I could get you to feel sorry for me,” she continued. “ I knew I could get you to do anything for me. I liked the fact that if I told you something, you’d pour your heart out for me, and if I asked you to do something, you’d do it no questions asked because you only wanted to help. That’s why I need you. So don’t mistake this for some half-baked love story where I suddenly owe you things because otherwise you’d be severely deluded. It’s a convenience arrangement. Is that clear enough for you?”

Marinette let her words hang and marvelled at how strange it was to be able to feel the volume of Chloe’s words, but not feel their impact or their heat. It made her feel numb to what she knew would have shaken her had Chloe been here in person, nose two inches away from her own, eyes betraying no hesitance or affection, and no way to force a chasm between them and use miscommunications as a crutch for avoiding the truth. Chloe’s voice was mechanical — something that faded when Marinette pulled the phone away from her ear, and that made everything roll off her skin so that she was left feeling nothing. But then Marinette imagined what it must have been like to yell into a cellphone while standing in an empty room, in an empty house, absconded in what was probably some far off location not worth disclosing for fear of someone trying to come find her. Everything would be echoing against walls and bouncing right back, and there would be nowhere for that pain and hurt to go other than straight back into her. Perhaps that was why Chloe’s voice sounded broken when she finished — like had she been weaker, she might have accidentally let herself cry.

Adrien was right. She shouldn’t have called.

But now it was too late because Marinette had trained herself to absorb Chloe’s cruelty and fire it back. It was mostly for self-protection, but Marinette couldn’t deny the sick satisfaction of being able to control the same sort of detachment and disregard for another person’s feelings and use it to tear Chloe down to Marinette’s level. That’s all they’d ever done — take turns yanking each other down by the hair until they were both ragged, bloody, beaten, and equal. In hindsight she knew that such childishness had no place here, but Marinette’s compulsions were strong ones, and she was already pulling out awful half-truths that she knew would sting.

“It’s funny. It’s always easier for you to paint me as the one who can’t read a situation or always feels too much. I’m starting to think it makes you feel superior to know what you’re the one who feels less and has the least to lose. And hey, maybe I get that seeing as how you had a rude introduction to what it was like to care about someone more than they cared about you. But if it makes you feel better, let me assure you right here and now that the two of us feel exactly the same way. Because I don’t love you either. We’re not married. We’re not dating. Like you said: no sentimentality.”

She gripped the phone tight enough to hear the plastic casing creak. “I’m not calling you because I’m some simpering little girl who can’t wait for you to come home. I’m calling because I’m worried about you like a normal human being should be, and I’m calling you because you don’t get to pull me right into the middle of your swirling shit storm and not tell me what’s going on.” Marinette tipped her head back towards the ceiling. “And you know what? Since you brought up the topic? You want to know the real reason I helped you specifically? Because how I treated everyone else when I was a teenager never applied to you. You bullied the shit out of me for seven years, so maybe when the opportunity presented itself, I fell in love with the fact that you needed me for once. I was your only hope, and I thrived off that.”

Chloe’s laughter sounded forced and hollow. “ God….you’re such a bitch. ”

“I’m being honest,” Marinette said. “You don’t know how satisfying it is to know that you are what a person needs . You’re central. Inextricable. Important. I became important to you, and not only was it such a perfect dose of irony after all these years, but it made me feel powerful. And maybe that sounds selfish, and maybe it is, but you sought me out specifically because you knew I’d let you push my kindness as far as it would go, and you’d get to benefit from it. That’s selfish. We’re both selfish. Is that what you want to hear?”

Chloe didn’t answer, and Marinette didn’t expect her to. She wasn’t sure how the conversation got away from them so quickly, but instead of answers and closure all either of them had to show for were handfuls of rot. Marinette felt like an addict constantly on the brink of relapse because it seemed like, when you took away all the excess and reduced the two of them down to their common denominators, they were always going to come back to this. In the context of each other, they were incapable of being selfless. It was always about gratification, and it was always about maintaining the upper hand. The reality was so depressing that now Marinette was feeling herself sink right into the cushions of the couch while the pressure behind her eyes grew. This was them. Chloe and Marinette. Butting heads. Never seeing eye to eye. And it felt fucking awful.

Chloe inhaled through her nose. “ You know before you called? I had gotten off the phone with Daddy. Suffice it to say it didn’t go well, because it never fucking goes well. So I broke a few wine glasses and screamed everything out until I was just sitting in the middle of my living room dry heaving and feeling like I was losing control of everything.” Marinette could practically hear the smirk in her voice. “ And then you called. And, you know, maybe that’s my fault for picking up and thinking that it was a sign or that it was going to make me feel better. I told myself not to answer but I did it anyway because….I’m used to you. You’re familiar and you don’t bite back. But hey. Next time I’ll know better. We’re both selfish, and normal people don’t fuck around with selfish people. Lucky us.”

It felt like the world had gone still. Nothing was moving, everything felt dead, and Marinette suddenly realized how much worse she had just made everything. She shouldn’t have called. “Chloe, wait a minute — ”

“ Don’t call me again Marinette ,” Chloe instructed. “ And this time I mean it.”

The line hung up before Marinette could get another word in.

[unproduciblesmackdown]

primes And multiples of 8

oh Thank You this sure turned out to be a bunch of questions lol, what else is better for keeping occupied on go stupid sunday

2: Favorite book?

lbh i don’t have one 

3: Favorite fictional character?

oh god lmao i mean again when it comes to Favorite ___ i have no *real* answers but atm i keep just sitting here staring at the quant don’t i

5: What’s your favorite fictional ship? (Canon or otherwise)

even with the “i don’t have Favorite anything” factor even this is always like. my ass doesn’t know how to Not like, think up a good half dozen or more potential relationships or whatever and decide they’re all fun……im rarely like “wow even narrowed down to this one particular Media i live and die by this otp within it”…….boring answer but really like even if this was applied Just to some particular work where i’m [staring at a Fave] or whatever i still dunno if there’s anything where i’m not #about [multiple possible Relationships]

7: List 3 negative traits you have

ooh fantastic. let’s lump “Too: passive / avoidant / nonconfrontational” into one, rest in pieces u_u. #2 im a lil temperamental lmao like, bit too much sometimes. #3 despite number one there i also don’t have a world of restraint lmfao which is just like. how i be but can certainly be a downside sometimes

8: How does someone become important to you?

idk i virtually always meet ppl via Mutual Interest……my social sphere is mainly “friendly acquaintances” or whatever where it’s like i may or may not have talked to most of them in the past >[0.5 years]………just a process really of “we Keep Interacting” and “we like each other” lmao like. it’s both very not difficult and also. difficult lol

11: How do you decide when it’s time to cut someone out of your life for good?

uhh not like there’s a strict analytical methodology here but i guess it’s like “hmm this person makes me p miserable / i do not even actually like having them in my life” lmao

13: What are your favorite lyrics currently?

ooh the “currently” Might make a Favorite question easier but i don’t even have Favorite Lyrics Currently lmao. it’s lucky if i’m even paying attention well enough to stuff to absorb the lyrics the first like dozen times i listen to a song and also i’m rarely like “oo Resonant” when it comes to lyrics anyway?? does it count if more than survive gets stuck in my head….even then it’s like. i always like the “of all the characters at school i am not the one who the story’s about” while Blatantly Being The Protagonist lmao b/c like…..idk i never like story structures where the protagonist is just like clearly kinda elevated like Obviously The Hero B/c They’re Better Than Everyone Around Them or something like more important / deserving than other people and i definitely find it harder to care about / connect with Protagonists / ~main characters~ who are treated like that. and obviously bmc is really not about that either lmao i appreciate that a lot

16: What is something you really want?

i think we can all agree our lives could be improved with money. also….in these times of covid…….. :| would want literal immunity for people……..april 2020……

17: If you could make a wish, what would you wish for if you knew it would come true?

i mean damn see above like. got the Wish Tiers like “personal things re: myself in particular” and “for people i personally know / smaller stuff i care about” but like damn in this day and age especially it’d be like well, Humanity Not Being Destroyed is kinda a thing isn’t it. can’t have any slightly more fun wishes b/c these [systems] will be like [exists and affects everything horribly]

19: How do you handle heartbreak? Is it something that’s easy for you to get over, or something you struggle with?

is it easy for anyone to get over!! i don’t have to deal with romantic heartbreak though which i guess is what it means. galaxy braining that issue lmfao

23: What do you want your future to be like?

man ties in with 16 and 17 but also like we sure exist under capitalism always don’t we, and it’s tricky when like “it would be nice to have a small personal apartment to live in wouldn’t it” is this fever dream for all of us. but it Would be nice. having the time and money for Making Food whenever you feel like, right. it’s always like “if i was in a situation where i could just bake something due to Feeling like it i’d probably be doing okay” lmao. love to have access to healthcare someday. it’s all like depressingly low standards that are also depressingly ~unrealistic~ lol like i do not Ponder the future much. i also don’t have like, longtime aspirations/dreams or even Not longtime ones so i can’t be like “would love to have a career in/doing ___” but also yknow im good with I Don’t Need A Dream Job, would just like jobs to be non-horrible and to have time to like, do shit on my own outside of that, b/c that’s what i like to do lol…..but then also it would be fun to like, one way or another, get to spend a lot of time putting effort into some kind of in-some-way-Collaborative Project / Endeavor and get to be really engaged. the idea of getting to be around multiple people who it’s fun to be around and it doesn’t feel super temporary is Wild like, intimidating to listen to “the bar song” b/c i’ll just cry after 3 seconds. also i just like to be around people like, used to think that being anxious and all i wouldn’t want to live in a city but probably the opposite’s true….yeah i like to have a space where i can be alone / unobserved but i also like to at any time be able to be Amongst ppl even if not interacting with them (and also im usually more relaxed interacting w/ strangers than ppl i know)…….but really i have no details i’m just fingers crossed that at any given time i’m more than a couple steps away from like the post about [body wearing the funniest hat you’ve ever seen] lmfao and like. would rather not die in a pandemic either

24: Have you ever met someone you never thought you’d become close to?

in an “and i was right” way, sure lol, but otherwise i don’t think so

29: Do you think zodiac signs can influence someone’s personality to an extent?

it’s like Not Really But How Would I Know and yet i’m gonna kill everybody doing the shit just treating it like alternate myer-briggs types like delete your tweets 

31: What does ‘self care’ look like for you? 

#selfcare idk. me passing out or making the effort of getting food? great to step outside and pet a cat i guess but also that’s just fun. i don’t have a real methodology or approach here either. is me reblogging ask memes to ask for attention / distraction self care? is Napping to reset the mood self care? you be the judge

32: If you could go back in time and re-live your life up to this point, knowing everything that you know now, would you make different decisions?

eh not really……tfw everything that is the way it is now including “knowing what you know now” is a result of everything having happened exactly the way it already did……..

37: Have you ever been surprised by someone staying in your life?

i’m like Only surprised by it

40: What makes you feel confident?

thinking abt the tweet(?) which is like “when ur walking around in public pretend crazy in love is playing”……being around the lgbtqs obviously…..feeling able to Be Funny b/c like. that depends on the people i’m around too lol.

41: How do you show you care?

love languages……..uh i will do Favors. acts of service or whatever lol. i also like to give gifts. compliments??? idk it’s hard to judge this lmao i will cheer someone on, usually figuratively lol…….Liking A Tweet idk. an attempt was made

43: Which of the seven deadly sins do you feel represents you the most?

we need better sins. am i vainglorious for being opinionated / stubborn. "being not cishet” probably would be considered lust, and that’s a pretty important thing lmao. lust for life….the illicit sexual desire of being An Lgbtq…… i feel like i can be impatient, so i supposed that’s wrathfulness……hard to choose just one and yet again also. the list bites

47: What are you passionate about?

easily a lot of stuff that i find Engaging b/c i’m just sort of like that but i mean. easy answer is just: [interests]

48: Have you ever started to try learning about a subject only to realize it’s not something you enjoy?

not really……if i’m trying to learn something myself i probably had some level of “already knowing i like it to some degree” to even have the motivation in the first place

[smt-here]

Men Back Then

Pairing : Steve x Reader (’i’ Pronoun, ��I’ POV)

Genre : Romance, Comedy, Fluff, Weird

Warning : cats could fly into your house at 3 am loljk attempted rape mentioned

Word Count : 4063

A/N : The one thing that killed me is Steve Rogers’ character. HE’S A TOTAL GENTLEMAN WHY IS THIS WORLD RUNNING OUT OF GENTLEMAN I NEED ONE STEVE ROGERS FOR MYSELF WHERE CAN I ORDER HIM !?!?!?!? And another thing is Chris Evans and Steve Rogers are like... the death of me especially when it’s Chris Evans as Steve Rogers I mean daaaaaammnnnn - Nana 🌸

A/A/N ( another author’s note ) : He is a crime, I’m suing.

A/A/A/N ( another another author’s note ) : I’m making this a short series just because I love Captain America

I sat down alone in the bar, my friends- whom had sworn to not leave me even for a minute had gone somewhere with someone.

“Go to the bar they said, it’ll be fun they said, you’ll get a decent hook up they said” I muttered bitterly, taking a sharp gulp of my scotch before setting it down rather loudly on the countertop in front of me, “Well maybe I don’t even wanna hook up with anyone... Not on a Sunday night before my big interview”

Today had been like usual, mediocre, nothing special, boss being a bitch like always, calling though it’s weekend, reminding me of all the responsibilities that I don’t even care about in the first place and all that jazz. My weekend consisted of being called into my boss’ house, telling me I was needed to help her pack up for her two-days trip to London for a business matter but by the look of what I packed for her, she was MOVING to London.

Unlike all of my other social butterflies of friends, i am more into netflix and a box of pizza kind of girl. Rather than out partying, I’d prefer watching whatever is on netflix to relive my stress out. During my four months of intern employment to a highly ranked psychiatrist I have almost had enough of it. The fact that my boss is a total know-it-all made me wonder to why am I still sane. Experience was all I need to apply for a real job, preferably somewhere with a boss above me so that I wouldn’t have to worry much about paying someone else.

Luck seems to pity me a little last week as my job application to work as an Assistant Psychiatrist for Logan Welch had been accepted. Logan is a renowned psychiatrist and even my current boss-Madame Marie ASStoinette-adored and wanted to work with. Logan Welch had apparently ‘lost’ his assistant due to her whoring around which means her having sex on top of his desk with her co-workers hence he fired her hence he needs a new assistant and hence he chose me as one of the candidates for his assistant.

But then again, luck doesn’t seem to want to make things easier for me as it managed to make my friend go on a whole godzilla rampage in my apartment just because I said no to her ‘last get together with the girls’ before she ties the knot with a hot lawyer whom his name still won’t stick into my head. God knows that when she said that this is her ‘last get together’ is a total bullshit, she’ll be out drinking again after the first week of her honeymoon.

“what ‘chu doing here, sweet thing?”

Oh God, please don’t test me tonight...

I ignored the man and continued sipping my drink, pretending that he doesn’t even exist in the first plan.

But the man just had to take a seat next to me, making himself comfortable despite me not welcoming him like at all. Can’t a man take a hint?

“I asked you a question...” he growled lowly, “Be a good girl and answer me”

Though I preferred not to look at him, but I did anyways, I was tempted to take a look of what the asshole looked like.

Suit, no tie, expensive watch, sleek hair... must be a business man. Then I look even closer, though not literally looking closer to him, I’m not crazy. Gold ring, diamond in the middle, ring is slightly dirty from too much touching... either he’s a bad husband or he’s just a pompous asshole.

Through all my looking, he seem to be annoyed. He scoffed and grab my chin, “I asked you a question... You just made me repeat myself twice, and why are you staring at me like that? Didn’t mommy told you that it’s rude to stare?” he smirked.

By that, I began to feel nevus but I still refuse to let myself falter in front of him, not without a fight, “My mom also told me to not let strangers do bad things to me, let alone talking to me...” I smacked his hand away, “Especially the pompous jerk kind of stranger” I shot him a sweet, sarcastic smile in hope he’d think I’m cocky and then walk away.

Of course what I had hoped didn’t happen. The man’s smirk grew wider as he chuckled darkly, “Feisty... I like it... I hope you keep this attitude until we got to your place” his hand proceeded to grab at my waist but I had beaten him out to it. I smack his hand away and glared, “What? Your wife won’t let any girls in after 11?” I poked fun at him.

His eyes widened at that, “How’d you-”

“I can see it right through you, you’re very obvious and frankly I could read people like an open book” I told him as I got off of the stool and grab my wallet to pay for my drink while calling the bartender, “Here you go, Adam. Oh, and could you do me a favour? If either Felice or Jeanette came looking for me, could you please tell them that I went back to my apartment?” Adam nodded at me while shooting me a small smile, “Sure, anything for you! Stay safe, okay? You want me to call a cab for you?” “No, it’s okay, I’m gonna be okay” and then I waved him goodbye before walking out of the bar.

The night air felt calming but the atmosphere was kind of scary. It’s dark and the only thing that could be heard was the distant chattering from people that are walking towards the busy street and the sound of vehicles going their own respective ways.

My apartment is located in the less crowded area of the city, but still crowded enough for me to truly how New York life feels like.

As I was walking by myself, I could feel someone yanking me backwards, hand on my mouth and another one around my waist. Before I could even take anything into my brain to be processed, I was lifted off of the ground and brought to a dark, abandoned alley. I could clearly hear the alleycats hissing as I was brought deeper into the alley.

I was thrown to the hard ground, the back of my head colliding with the brick wall behind me. I look up only to meet the gaze of the same man that I had meet in the bar 15 minutes ago but now he looked rather angry, annoyed, and somewhat frustrated at something.

“You shouldn’t have declined me like that... You should’ve taken the hint and go home with me when I was still nice” he then chuckled darkly which soon turn into a full out loud cackle, “You think you can reject me just like that?” he walked over to me and crouched down next to my body, he took a good grip on my hair, making me wince and groan at the contact, “Ooh, now you’re groaning... Well then, since you’re complying, let’s just cut the chase and start doing what was supposed to be done in the first place”

I was dizzy, the impact of my head colliding to the hard, brick wall made me all ditzy and confused. I tried my best to yell, scream, alerting people around the alley to what’s happening or about to happen.

“H-help...” I croaked out.

“Help” I managed it out a little louder.

The man was starting to undo his belt, his gaze was sickening, he looked pleased at himself for thinking about doing such things, “oh, no one can hear you sweet heart” he smirked.

That was it, I gather all the energy that I got and screamed loudly, “HELP ME! I’M IN AN ALLEY! THIS MAN IS ABOUT TO RAPE ME A-” before I could continue, the man had slap me across my face, making me flew back a little and causing me to collide once again with the brick wall.

“You Bitch! Stop yelling or I’ll-”

“Or you’ll what?”

My eyes tried its best to focus onto the incoming silhouette of a man, he stood not far from the man whose about to rape me but boy, he’s a lot bigger and buffer than the rapist.

The rapist turned around to face the man that had just came into the alley, despite the man being larger than him, he was drunk so his senses weren’t actually working properly at the moment. He pointed at the man with a smirk, “I suggest you leave, buddy... Go mind your own business or something... I’ve got someone to do” he sing-songed at the end of his sentence.

“I am minding my business... My business is to protect people and by the looks of it...” his gaze fell onto me, I caught a glimpse of his sky blue eyes, looking at me with determination, “This lady is in need of my protection”

The rapist cackled loudly, “Lady? Which lady are we talking about? Her?” The rapist pointed at me, “She’s just a lonely bitch that’s waiting for a good fuck that’s all” he let out a softer yet almost menacing low chuckle, “And as a charitable person I am, I will offer myself to help her into her needs... Now if you’d excuse me, I’d like to go back into my personal business with her, mr...?” “Rogers, Steve Rogers”

When I heard that name, I almost immediately sat straight up but failing miserably due to the dizziness that kicked in once again, knocking me back to my previous vulnerable state.

The rapist on the other hand, had a huge grin on his face, he laughed heartily and he pat Steve on his shoulder, “Hey!! An Avenger! Wow! This is- wow! Hey, look! You got yourself an Avenger- Captain fucking America to protect you! How great is that!?” He said to me with a huge grin on his face before looking back at Steve again, “You known man, I was on a shitty business trip in Sokovia back when the whole uhm... what do you call those evil robots again?” he asked Steve who had a confused yet annoyed look on his face, “Ultron?” “Yeah! Ultrons! So I was there, and man... You saved me from a crashing building! How cool is tha-”

He wasn’t able to finish his sentence as Steve had already knock him to the end of the alley, probably knocking him out cold to the point that he would likely to woke up with no recollection of what happened the night before.

I sighed in relief, knowing that that guy won’t bother me anymore. For now that is.

From the corner of my eyes, I could see Steve walking toward me. When he helped me up, I didn’t flinch because I know that he won’t do me any harm. That and he somehow made me feel comfortable, his warm, subtle grip on my arm assured me that I’m okay, and I liked the feeling so damn much.

“Are you okay miss?” he asked, concern lacing through his voice. He made sure that I was balanced and could stand on my two feet before slowly letting go, “Yeah, I think I’m-” when I took a step forward, I almost immediately flail to the side helplessly. Luckily, Mr. America over here is fast to his reflexes as he managed to pull me into his embrace in mere seconds, “Guess not” he cheekily remarked.

After a couple of seconds, I gave up on trying to balance my own body by myself and let him lead me out of the alley with no words spoken which I appreciate very much due to the headache I was having, talking seems to be a very hard task to accomplish.

“Thank you, Captain Rogers-”

“Steve”

I furrowed my eyebrows at him in which he answered back with a soft, gentle, heart-clenching, kind smile, “Just call me Steve” he continued, “O... kay... uhm, Steve, I think I’m alright now and I could just head home my-” “Is that blood on your forehead?” he cut me again. Damn him. If he wasn’t so good looking I would’ve probably smack him for interrupting me. But God knows who wants to ruin his pretty face.

“Miss, I think your forehead is bleeding” he said as he reached out to carefully trace over the wound on my forehead that was bleeding, making me wince at the sudden contact.

“I think I might have to take you to my place” he sighed, he raised his hand out to hail a cab.

My eyes widened at his sudden statement, “Oh, no! Please! I don’t want to disturb you! A-and it’s your apartment! I’m not exactly comfortable with coming to a man’s place within the same day I know them” I said, biting my lip to avoid myself sounding more stupid.

Surprisingly, Steve chuckled while shaking his head a little, “I haven’t got my own apartment so we’ll be going to the Avengers tower, where at least 5 other people resides in... I promise you that I won’t do anything weird to you miss...?” he motioned me to tell him my name with raised eyebrows, I blushed a little while looking down to my feet, “(Y/N)... (Y/N) (Y/L/N)” I muttered, “Miss (Y/N)... I  can assure you that I won’t do anything to you, I don’t think you’d appreciate a stranger to help you get through the night by yourself in your own place, so what do you say?” he had this big puppy eyes, as if he was begging to help me. Who does that?

Eventually I sighed, knowing that I need the help and that he would obviously win in this argument anyways, “Fine... I’ll go to your place...”

Steve smiled gratefully and went back to try to hail a cab.

Thankfully the cab came in mere minutes and the ride to the Avengers tower took only 20 minutes-ish. During the whole ride, Steve let me lean on him, using him as a pillow to make myself comfortable, he had even lent me his jacket so that I was’t cold. God why can’t you make men like him more in this earth?

Once we got to the tower, he paid for the cab and helped me out.

I don’t know if it’s the alcohol, heels, or just the impact from crashing to the brick wall, but I wobbled down and almost fell to the hard concrete ground. But once again, Captain America helped me to my feet, he even had an amused grin on his face which made me even more embarrassed than I already am, “Seems like walking is no longer an option for you” he joked before scooping me into his arms like a sack of potatoes.

I widened my eyes when he brought me up to his arms and tried to pry myself off of him, “This is too much-” “What? Am I making you uncomfortable?” he asked with worried eyes, his blue orbs shining bellow the light of the tower and boy he had me melting into his arms even more. 

“U-uncomfortable?” I choked out, repeating his last word. Uncomfortable my ass, I would love to stay in your arms forever.

“N-No! Not at all! But you might be, see, I’m really heavy and I seriously don’t want to make you feel tired” I bit my bottom lip in embarrassment. Never had I ever felt more embarrassed in front of man like this. Even my third high school spring break accident was less embarrassing than this. Hell I had my bikini top ripped out in front of a hundred people in a bar then.

Steve only chuckled before walking inside the building and into the elevator, he had no intention on putting me back to the ground-where I truly belong-wahtsoever, “I am not letting you walk one more step, you’ve had a rough day and I really don’t want you fainting before I get to take you to Dr. Banner” he said.

His kindness was genuine, I can feel it.

Not wanting to make things awkward, I just oblige to him and stayed still. His jacket is now on top of my lap, covering my short skirt from the view of no one.

We stopped at the 34th floor of the building, where Dr. Banner’s office are in.

Steve and Dr. Banner made eye contact for a second and when Dr. Banner saw me in Steve’s arms, he stumbled forward to open the door and let the both of us in, “Steve! Wha- Who is this young lady? Where were you? H-how-?” “Long story, Banner, she needs medical attention, she was attacked by a man” Steve said as he put me down onto a bed in the middle of the room. Usually, people who tried to lift me up would stretch their numb arms to let blood flow back and their senses to come back after they put me down though they lift me for merely 10 seconds. But Steve, he just stood still on my side, he didn’t look like he was tired or had sore arms and the man had legit had me in his arms for 5 minutes straight. Talk about a demigod.

“A girl was attacked and your hero senses just can’t help it now, can’t ‘ya Steve?” Dr. Banner said with a sly smile on his face.

His question was replied with an eye roll by Steve who crossed his arms, his damn muscular arms, “Less talking more checking Banner, she needs to rest” Steve scolded.

With that, Dr. Banner began to do a check up on me. He started by checking my heartbeat, senses, my nerve system, eyes, hearing, you name it and he did it.

“Okay miss...?” I was about to tell Dr. Banner my name, but Steve had beaten me into it, “(Y/L/N), her name is (Y/N) (Y/L/N)”

Dr. Banner raised an eyebrow at Steve for a brief second before turning his focus back on me, “Okay, Miss (Y/L/N) I think you only had mild concussion, you seem to be in a shock so could you please tell me which part had an impact or collision?” he asked, “My head, I was pushed and the back of my head hit a brick wall behind me” I said as I reached to the back of my head to show Dr. Banner the spot to which had the most impact.

He immediately lift my head to examine and at the exact same moment my head was lifted, the door to Dr. Banner’s office was opened and a certain redhead came into the room, “Heard Captain here brought a girl, I thought that was a lie but apparently it’s not” she smirked, she soon made her way towards me with a hand held out, “Natasha Romanoff” she said, “(Y/N) (Y/L/N)” I smiled back at her and shook her hand back.

After we shook our hands, Dr. Banner put my head back gently onto the pillow that was on top of the bed, “Natasha, out of all times you could’ve barged in, you decided now is the best time...” Dr. Banner said with an eyebrow raised at Natasha. I looked over at Steve and he had his arms crossed, “Yeah, Natasha... What is it that made you had to barge into the room anyways?” Steve asked, one of his eyebrows too was raised at her, “Well, Wanda said she saw someone here with you and the thought of Captain America bringing someone to a sleepover seems interesting so I was just checking the situation” she said, defending herself.

That moment I realized that she was indicating that I was going to sleep on the same bed with Steve, “O-oh, no! I’m not staying! I’m going home after this, I-” “Wait, you’re not staying?” Steve cut me off. By then I turn my head to Steve who had furrowed his eyebrows at me in confusion which made me confused too, “uhm, yeah... I’m not... Listen, you’ve been really nice and I didn’t know how to thank you enough but I have this thing tomorrow at 1 pm that is really important and I can’t miss it and it’s late already so-” “Okay! That settles it!” He cut me off again.

I was more than confused by then.

My expression said it all and Steve saw how confused I was, he merely shrugged before continuing, “Like what you said, it’s late and you have a thing tomorrow- a really important thing that is- so it’s best for you to stay here for the night so that you won’t be home too late” he grinned. Now I’m beyond confused thanks to Steve.

He didn’t even gave me time to respond, he just scoop me into his arms and brought me out of Dr. Banner’s workplace. I could’ve sworn I heard Natasha and Dr. Banner placing a bet on something as we walk out of the door and to the elevator.

As Steve stepped in, I began struggling once more which earned me a deadpanned look from the national her. He looked at me with an expression that seems like he was asking, ‘what?’, “Look, Steve... You’ve been marvellous to me, heck you treated me way nicer than any other man that I’ve known for 5 years, but really, I don’t know how to repay you if you do all of this for me” I sighed.

Surprisingly, he sighed too, “You can repay me by not making me worry about you going home safely and sleep in my room... Don’t worry, I have a couch there and you can sleep by yourself on the bed, I’ll sleep on the couch” as he finished his sentence, we arrived on the floor where they all live. Steve began walking down the hall to the room at the very end and opened the door to the left.

I really wanted to protest but seeing as Steve is truly genuine and looked tired, I decided to keep my mouth shut and just do what he told me he’s willing to do.

Steve put me onto his bed gently, “Wait here, I’ll get you one of my shirts and shorts” he said before walking off to his wardrobe and picking out clothes for me to sleep in.

I took off my shoes and put them nicely at the foot of the bed and when I look up, I saw that Steve had came back with a new set of clothes for me to change, “You can change here, I’ll change in the bathroom” he put the clothes down and then he walked towards the bathroom in his room. He stop at the doorframe to look at me, “Call me after you’re done changing, okay?” he smiled softly at me.

God what did I do in my past life to deserve this?

Is this it?

Is this the start of something better?

Am I going to finally have some luck in my life for a change?

Mindlessly, I change onto Steve’s clothes which are surprisingly comfy though they’re at least three sizes too big for me.

After changing, I immediately hid my body into the soft blanket before calling Steve to come out of the bathroom. I was damned shy about the situation and the fact that the scent of him that sticks onto the shirt I’m wearing began to linger onto my skin made me even more shy in front of him.

Steve came out with the same white t-shirt as I was wearing, apparently Captain Rogers seems to love to hoard the same type and colour of shirt. He surprisingly walk over to me and sat down next to my body. Though he was close, he made a gap between me and him so that I was comfortable.

I don’t know if it was the tiredness or the event that just happened which made me dizzy or even the smell of Steve everywhere, I found myself slipping out of consciousness and began drifting off to sleep, letting slumber take me over.

Maybe it was my imagination, but I could’ve sworn I heard Steve saying a soft, gentle, “sweet dreams” to me before I completely blacked out.

Oops, I overdid it ??

Tell me what you think about my story! don’t forget to check my Bucky story!! ^^ 💕 - Nana 🌸

[garagetoilet89-blog]

Caramel Maple Fig Cake

Okay, so just going to warn you, this is the LONGEST blog post ever! And it’s also the best because, I’m GETTING MARRIED!!! I know! Can you believe it?! There will be a whole other blog post about that so don’t you worry your pretty little heads off. This is also the best blog post because I haven’t had a drop of alcohol in 7 months and I’m going to dish ALL the dirty deets about it. For some people this wouldn’t be such a massive feat, but for me, it’s a pretty big deal.

I’m totally one of those people who LOVES to drink. Like, loves to drink. Mimosa at breakfast? Yes please! Cocktail at lunch? Yes please! Glass of wine at dinner? Yes please! Another round? Yes please! Most of the time I would try and refrain from drinking during the workweek and then I’d end up having 16-20 drinks over any given weekend between brunch, dinner, and lounging on the couch at home. That may sound like a lot, but think about it like this, 2-3 mimosas at breakfast, 2 cocktails at lunch, then 2-3 glasses of wine at dinner multiplied by 2 days. It adds up quick! Other times I’d have a glass or two of wine at night during the workweek to unwind. So now we’re talking 25-30 drinks per week. PER WEEK. I constantly craved it. Looking back I can’t believe that was my life. I was shackled to alcohol and I was so sick and tired of it.

I also couldn’t get through a social event without alcohol. Going to the beach? Not without a bottle of chardonnay in my purse. Going to the movies? Let’s go to one of those fancy ones where we can drink cocktails while we watch. Going to a concert? Not before pre-gaming somewhere. Going to a friends house? BYO-Booze. Sound familiar? I’m definitely not an introvert by any means, in fact I’d say all signs point to extrovert. I’m very outgoing, and I love to talk, but sometimes when I find myself in certain social situations that I’m not particularly comfortable with (large groups/crowds, certain family events, work events, etc.) I would have to have a drink just to get through it. And let’s be honest, it’s pretty fun to be buzzed and talk to people. Right? Until I’ve had too many and my filter is gone, and then it’s a bit dicey to say the least!

It was a never ending cycle though. I knew I wanted to cut back on drinking because it was just starting to spiral and I really wanted to lose some weight for my Caribbean trip in August. I’m going with Juli from PaleOMG and have you SEEN her abs (Chandler from Friends voice)?! Having to be in a bathing suit at all times for a week straight will do that to you. Last December at dinner I drank 5 glasses of wine and was barely buzzed. Not cool. And let’s do the math, 5 glasses of wine multiplied by 120 calories a glass = 600 calories. 600 calories! For what?! Do you know how much food you can eat for 600 calories, that’s almost half of what I should be eating in an entire day, and that was just a normal dinner out. SMH. That’s also wine. 120 calories is pretty low for a glass of booze. Beer and cocktails have way more calories, so on a typical night out you can easily add 1000 calories to you day just in alcohol alone. I don’t know about you, but I’d much rather house some gluten-free pizza or a bomb-ass flourless brownie sundae with all those calories than drink them. AMIRIGHT?!

Another thing that happened was I read this REALLY good book that a friend recommended called, This Naked Mind: Control Alcohol, Find Freedom, Discover Happiness, & Change Your Life by Annie Grace. It has completely transformed how I think about alcohol. Like completely. I highly recommend it! But I will also give a strong warning with it, once you read this book, you can’t go back. Every time you drink you will think about what you read in this book and you’ll see alcohol in a completely different light. It’s actually really scary at first. Something that was once so comfortable, familiar, and such a close friend, like a warm fuzzy blanket, then becomes a stranger. And to just walk away from it, when you really don’t want to but know you need to, like a bad boyfriend, it leaves you feeling unsure and entirely exposed.

Alcohol is a very interesting part of our society. It’s so glamorized. It’s like the smoking of the 70’s and 80’s. Like remember when smoking was “cool”. Then we found out it causes cancer and prematurely ages you, etc. etc. What do you think alcohol is doing to your body? “But what about all those fun Facebook articles my friends share about how a glass of wine is good for your heart health and high in antioxidants?!” Who do you think pays for those studies? Can I get ‘Alcohol Companies’ for $500 Alex. There is absolutely no nutritional value in alcohol that your body benefits from ever, PERIOD. In fact alcohol is a toxin and your body doesn’t like it at all. As much as we wish wine was a fruit serving because it’s made from grapes, it’s not.

So what did I do? I learned… A LOT! I gave up alcohol for 7 months and this is what happened…

1. No hangover

You don’t realize how awesome hangovers aren’t until you stop having them. Prime example, I just went snowboarding with all my shred friends over the weekend. I listened to them plan for a good solid 20 minutes on how they were going to navigate the night of drinking so that they weren’t too hungover in the morning to be miserable snowboarding all day (been there). I’m talking serious details and planning going down! I was expecting them to pull out an Excel spreadsheet or blueprints or something. I realized with glee that I didn’t even have to spend 1/10 of a second thinking about it. I’d be up and at em’ and ready to send it!

2. You Lose weight without doing anything

I gave up drinking on December 31st. So the “Holiday 10” I gain every year like clockwork was gone within the first month. From not really changing anything except not drinking (and probably from not shoving Holiday cookies down my throat, let’s be real). Again refer to the 600 calorie minimum as stated above.

3. You Don’t lose all your stuff

Yes Pavel, I’m talking about you. After drinking all day while we were snowboarding the other weekend, my friend Pavel couldn’t remember where he left all his snowboarding gear. Did he accidentally leave his helmet, googles, gloves, and season pass back at Main Lodge where they were drinking before they left? Or was his stuff in the car somewhere? Or the room? He couldn’t find anything or even remember where he’d last seen his stuff. How many nights out drinking have you lost your phone, your credit card, your ID, your decency? Too many to count.

4. You save money

Like, SO MUCH MONEY. When I go out to eat with my friends, my portion of the bill will always be around $10-$17 and theirs will be at least $45, sometimes up to $65. When I go snowboarding with all of my friends we like to share an Airbnb so we can cook and hang out together. We all get together to go grocery shopping for meals and booze. When it comes time for everyone to Venmo, I owe $6.28 for the whole weekend and they owe $29.33. That’s a pretty big difference. My hot chocolate break on the mountain is $4 with tip. Their drinks are about $14 a pop and they end up usually having about 2-3 drinks in one sitting, so with tip, about $45. I spend $4, they spend $45. EVERY TIME we stop at the lodge. Alcohol is EXPENSIVE.

5. Better sleep quality

This one trips me out! I have the craziest most vivid dreams that I completely remember, EVERY SINGLE NIGHT! Most people think drinking makes you sleep better, but the exact opposite is true. It doesn’t allow your body and brain to get to the deeper levels of your sleep cycles. This would lead me to feel exhausted ALL OF THE TIME. I would walk around like a zombie and couldn’t figure out why I felt so drained all the time. I was eating right, exercising, going to bed at a decent hour and I even thought I had a thyroid problem or something at one point because it was so bad. I feel awesome now and it’s super far and few between that I have a day where I don’t feel rested. Another pro is when my alarm clock goes off, I’m up immediately. I don’t curse my existence and I can’t remember the last time I hit the snooze button.

6. Mental clarity

You remember stuff. I used to ALWAYS forget stuff. In fact I would have to set alarms on my phone and leave post-its everywhere to remind me to do stuff and I’d still manage to forget it. Now things just come to me. If I’m in the grocery store and forget my list, I manage to remember everything I need. At work, I can remember little things I need to and get my job done more efficiently. I can also multi-task a lot better which my life and work requires me to do constantly.

7. My skin looks so much better

Like SO much better. A nice dewy glow has replaced the dry leathery suitcase skin I used to live with all the time. I look way younger too since my wrinkles aren’t so imprinted into my dry-ass face. My color is so much more rosy and it just looks super healthy! I get compliments on my skin all the time now. It could also be my Primally Pure Skincare of course. Maybe a combo of both? (Read my blog post about skincare here.)

8. You make better choices

This comes to all areas of your life, food, people, exercising (because you’re not too hungover to skip it), not peeing or vomiting in public, not waking up in strange places, and don’t even get me started on drunk shopping! Better choices means less regrets too. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve woken up the next morning after a long night of boozing so embarrassed by something I said or did. Luckily my friends love me and know that drunk Vanessa has NO filter.

9. Alcohol is addictive

Not in the 12 steps, give me power to control that which I cannot control way, although YES that is absolutely a HUGE reality and completely stems from the fact that alcohol is addictive. But what I’m talking about here is in the way that sugar is addictive. You eat sugar, your brain pleasure centers light up with a dopamine response, your insulin levels rise, then your blood sugar falls and your body craves the sugar and the pleasure, then the cravings are too hard to control, so you give in and eat it, and the cycle continues and continues. Alcohol is the exact same way. You become addicted to it. Don’t believe me? Ask yourself this, could you go to dinner, brunch, a sporting event, a wedding, a BBQ, or to the club this weekend with friends, and not drink? The thought of doing that sucks right? Trust me, I get it. Does that mean you’re an alcoholic? Not in the terms that we’re used to, but alcohol is so addictive that you can’t imagine going without it and won’t even consider giving it up. It’s even used as a treat for getting through a challenging task like putting the kids to sleep or making it through a rough day at work.

  1. You don’t need to drink to have fun

You really don’t. If you honestly enjoy the company you’re in, you’ll have fun regardless. I have a close knit group of friends, and each one of them I love to spend time with regardless of whether or not alcohol is involved. We still laugh just as hard and have just as much fun, if not more, because we can hang longer and not having to worry about passing out or how we’re going to stay sober enough to get back home. I can say with complete conviction that I have not missed out on a single experience because I wasn’t drinking. In fact I probably ended up enjoying my experiences MORE.

2. Alcohol is everywhere

The next time you watch TV, a movie, or go out in public, just take the time to notice how prevalent alcohol is in our society. The bar is strategically placed to be the first thing you see when you walk into a restaurant, so alcohol is in your subconscious before you even sit down at your table. The alcohol bottles are made to look gorgeous with their fancy under lighting and pretty reflections to get you to order one (or 5) and in turn spend more money. Alcohol is everywhere and everyone associates it as a positive experience even though puking in the toilet has never once felt positive to me.

3. People will pressure you to drink

Not because they don’t love you or support you, it’s just that they want to drink and they don’t want to drink by themselves. My friends know I’m obsessed with Moscow Mules, so they will buy my favorite Moscow Mule fixings (Ketel One, Bundaberg Ginger Beer, lime, mint and even copper cups!) to try and get me to drink with them. Honestly, I’m more impressed by this than anything. I admire their perseverance and the fact that they just get me on that level.

You will also notice that sometimes people will get uncomfortable when you say you aren’t drinking, especially at a dinner table when they are about to order a drink. It’s nothing against you, it’s just them questioning themselves and why they need to have a drink in order to enjoy the meal and why you don’t. Then they’ll wonder quickly if they should continue with their drink order despite this new information. It really has nothing to do with you so don’t worry about it.

4. You will feel incredible

I cannot stress this enough! My sleep is better, my workouts are better, my food choices are better, my quality of life is just BETTER. Not being hungover, or constantly exhausted, or always feeling like I’m on the cusp of depression is great. I feel awesome!

So you’re probably wondering how you are supposed to navigate life with no alcohol, well here are some of the tips and tricks I learned along the way that helped me the most.

1. Never Go Empty Handed

When you’re at an event where alcohol is served, carry a drink in your hand at all times. Whether it’s a soda water and lime or a huge HydroFlask full of plain water (what I carry to get all my daily water in), just carry it. No one pays attention to what you’re drinking like you think they do and just the simple act of being able to mingle and still drink something puts you at ease.

2. Don’t Tempt Yourself

The first 2 weeks will be the hardest. I recommend not to put yourself in any tempting situations. This means don’t keep any in the house and don’t go to your favorite steakhouse that serves your favorite wine or craft cocktail on Happy Hour. In fact I recommend not going out to eat at all in those first 2 weeks unless it’s a quick spot that doesn’t serve alcohol. I don’t know about you, but I have all my favorite cocktails at all my favorite spots memorized. Why put yourself in the path of temptation? After the first 2 weeks the cravings will subside and it will be easier to pass on drinks.

3. Exercise

Exercise is your body’s answer to pretty much everything. Depressed? Exercise. Tired? Exercise. Need more energy? Exercise. Want to sleep better? Exercise. Stressed? Exercise. Want to quit drinking? Exercise. Seriously. Take all the money you’ll save from not drinking booze and try out a cool new workout class in your area or grab some friends to go hike on Thursday/Friday evenings and make that your Happy Hour.

Events I survived this year without alcohol:

New Years Eve

New Years Day

Too many après snowboarding to count

Valentine’s Day

Countless brunches and dinners out at great restaurants

One Graduation Party

Two weddings, one at a winery

Three birthday parties, one at a winery

Four BBQ’s

Five work Happy Hours

Brad’s birthday

Mine and Brad’s 7-year anniversary

Our engagement

The point being – IT CAN BE DONE regardless of what events life throws at you.

So that begs the question, why do we drink so much? Is it because everyone else is drinking? Or because it’s just expected in certain situations? Or because we’ll feel left out if we don’t? Or will we miss out on the experience? What is it? Let’s get to the real question you’re probably wondering. Will I ever drink again? Absolutely. (See 9. above.) I will drink on my Caribbean vacation in August and I will probably drink during my birthday week in September, and you know what, I’m okay with that. I’m being realistic with myself. But I also realize that I’ve learned so much during this little experiment that there is a real possibility I might not actually even like alcohol anymore and I may not want to continue drinking. It might not be as fun and familiar as I remember it. It might actually be horrible. I might decide that I don’t want to continue drinking because I know exactly what it’s doing to my body. I really just don’t know at this point.

I also realize the second that I re-introduce alcohol to my body again, I will have to fight off the terrible cravings that come with the territory. I will also most likely have to endure hangovers. Neither of which I’m particularly looking forward to. Could I enjoy my vacation without alcohol? Of course I could. Could I go the rest of the year with out drinking? Absolutely. Could I go two years without drinking? I definitely think so. So why give in now? Why not just stay strong and pass on the booze? Because honestly I’m just not ready to commit to never drinking again at this point. The reality is at the end of the day drinking a great glass of wine, having a good craft beer on nitro or a well made Moscow Mule, brings me simple joy and life is just too short.

What I do know is how great I feel right now living an alcohol-free life and that might actually outweigh everything at some point. By my vacation I will have been sober for 8 months, that’s the better part of a year. I may get back from vacation and not drink for the rest of the year. Or maybe I will fall into a spiral again and have to re-read This Naked Mind, or go over the “Pro List” I’ve written above and quit all over again. I just don’t know. I’m okay with figuring it out though in my own time and in my own way. I’m definitely a little scared because I don’t want to go back to the place where I was, but I also want to be able to enjoy alcohol from time to time as I see fit. Ideally, I’d like to be one of those drinkers that only has alcohol on super special occasions or when it’s really worth it. I will definitely have an update to this post after vacation and stuff to let you know what happened!

So what’s the point of this blog post? To judge and condemn you for drinking? To try and convince you that alcohol is the devil and you should quit immediately? Nah boo, do you. I just wanted to share my experience as someone who felt shackled to alcohol and was able to free themselves from the chains. Also as someone who tries to do the best they can for their body. My experience was very eye opening and a lot different than I expected it to be. It was very challenging, but ultimately worth it in the end and I feel like I’ve grown so much because of it. I wanted to share that.

Are you trying to quit drinking? Have you already quit drinking? Share your story with me in the comments below! Oh, and here’s your recipe as a prize for making it through this incredibly lengthy, and perhaps preachy, blog post! Here’s the recipe for my favorite cake that I’ve ever made, because I’m getting married and weddings call for cake! I would love to remake this for our special day. Not only is it perfection, it’s absolutely mouth watering! This cake recipe was first featured in my cookbook, Clean Eating with a Dirty Mind, along with dozens of other cake recipes. So if you like cake, you may wanna grab yourself a copy! Just saying. I hope you enjoy!

One 2-layer, 6-inch (15-cm) cake or one 1-layer, 8-inch (20-cm) cake (to make the 4-layer cake shown in photos, see Variations below)

2 cups (184 g) sifted fine-ground blanched almond flour

¼ cup (34 g) tapioca flour

2 tablespoons coconut flour

½ cup (65 g) maple sugar

½ teaspoon baking soda

½ teaspoon fine-grain sea salt

⅛ teaspoon ground cinnamon

4 large egg whites, room temperature

½ teaspoon cream of tartar

½ cup (115 g) palm shortening, plus more for greasing

½ cup (120 ml) canned full-fat coconut milk

¼ cup (60 ml) light-colored raw honey, melted

1 teaspoon almond extract

1 teaspoon vanilla extract

½ cup (64 g) maple sugar

¼ cup (35 g) coconut sugar

½ cup (120 ml) canned full-fat coconut milk, room temperature

4 tablespoons (2 ounces/56 g) salted butter or ¼ cup (55 g) ghee

½ teaspoon vanilla extract

⅛ teaspoon fine-grain sea salt

Vanilla Buttercream Frosting

16 tablespoons (227g) unsalted butter, softened

1 cup (130 g) sifted maple sugar

⅛ teaspoon fine-grain sea salt

1 tablespoon milk (regular or dairy-free type)

1 teaspoon vanilla extract

2 figs, quartered

Handful of fresh blackberries and blueberries (optional)

Fresh flowers (optional)

Adjust an oven rack to the middle position and preheat the oven to 350°F (177°C). Line the bottom of two 6-inch (15-cm) or one 8-inch (20-cm) springform cake pan(s) with parchment paper, then grease the paper and sides of the pan liberally with palm shortening; set aside. (If making cupcakes or the cake shown in the photo, see the Variations below.)

Prepare the Salted Caramel Sauce and place in the refrigerator to let cool while preparing the cake layer(s). The caramel sauce will be easier to spread when cold.

In the bowl of an 11-cup (2.6-L) food processor, combine the almond flour, tapioca flour, coconut flour, maple sugar, baking soda, salt, and cinnamon. Pulse 30 times or until combined.

In a separate medium-sized mixing bowl, combine the egg whites and cream of tartar. Beat using a hand mixer set to high until eggs are very foamy and soft peaks are about to form; set aside.

Next add the palm shortening, coconut milk, honey, almond extract, and vanilla to the bowl of the food processor, followed by the beaten egg whites. Process until combined. Scrape down the sides as needed and process again for another 30 seconds until a smooth and creamy cake batter is formed.

Pour the batter into the prepared springform cake pan(s), and use a rubber spatula to help scrape all the cake batter in to the pan(s). Bake for 30 to 35 minutes or until a toothpick inserted into the center of the cake comes out clean. Cool in the pan for 15 minutes, then run a knife along the edge between the cake and the pan to loosen from the sides. Remove and let cool completely.

Once the cake(s) is completely cooled, prepare the frosting.

To assemble: If making a single-layer 8-inch (20-cm) cake, place the cake on a cake plate or cake plate and spread a layer of caramel across the top. Then spread a layer of frosting on the top, completely covering the caramel, and the sides. If making a multilayer cake, use a serrated knife to cut away any uneven places on the top of the cake. Place the first cake layer on a cake plate and, using an offset spatula, spread a layer of caramel across the top of the cake. Then spread a layer of frosting over the caramel layer. Place the second cake layer on top, upside down, and cover the top and edges of the cake with the remaining frosting. Use plastic or wooden dowels to secure the cake and keep the layers from sliding (these are helpful because the caramel tends to spread as it comes back up to room temperature). Garnish the top with quartered figs and berries or fresh flowers, or both, if desired. If using one of the cheese-based frostings, store in the refrigerator for up to 2 days. If using buttercream, store at room temperature in an airtight container or wrapped well in plastic for up to 2 days.

In a medium-sized heavy-bottomed saucepan, combine the sugars, coconut milk, and butter. Over low heat, whisk gently in one direction, so the butter doesn’t separate, until the butter has melted, the sugar has dissolved, and the mixture is combined. Then turn the heat up to medium and bring to a soft boil, then add the vanilla extract and salt and whisk until combined.

Increase the heat to medium-high and bring the mixture to a boil. Let boil for 2 minutes. Remove from the heat and whisk gently until the mixture becomes a smooth liquid again. Place back over heat and boil for an additional 2 minutes to thicken further. Remove from the heat, whisk until mixture becomes a smooth liquid again. Repeat this process for a total of four times. The caramel should be the consistency of thick soup.

Remove from heat. The caramel will continue to thicken as it cools. Refrigerate to cool and thicken completely or freeze for extra-thick caramel. As the caramel comes back up to room temperature it will begin to thin slightly and return to a pourable state. Store in the refrigerator or freezer in a covered container for up to 2 weeks.

For the Vanilla Buttercream

In the bowl of a stand mixer, combine the butter, maple sugar, and salt. Beat, using the whisk attachment, on medium speed until combined. Then add the milk and vanilla and continue to beat on high until the butter has lightened and the mixture has become fluffy and creamy, 3 to 5 minutes. Scrape down the sides of the bowl and the whisk as needed. Transfer to a piping bag fitted with desired tip or use with an offset spatula. Store any remaining frosting in an airtight container in a cool dry place for up to 2 days. Do not place in the refrigerator; the cold temperature will cause the butter to harden. If you don’t have a stand mixer this recipe can be made with a hand mixer; follow the same process using a large mixing bowl.

To make the batter using an electric mixer: In a large mixing bowl, put the almond flour, tapioca flour, coconut flour, maple sugar, baking soda, salt, and cinnamon. Stir together using a fork until combined. Put the egg whites and cream of tartar in a separate medium-sized mixing bowl. Beat using an electric mixer set to high until eggs are very foamy and soft peaks are about to form; set aside. In separate bowl, put the palm shortening, coconut milk, honey, almond extract, and vanilla. Beat on medium speed until combined. Transfer the palm shortening mixture to the dry ingredients, add the beaten egg whites, then beat together on medium-low speed until mixed and combined. Transfer to greased and parchment-lined cake pan(s) and bake as directed.

Caramel Maple Fig Cupcakes: Adjust an oven rack to the middle position. Preheat the oven to 350°F (177°C). Line a 12-well cupcake pan with paper liners. Use a spoon to transfer the batter into the lined cups, filling each about three-quarters full. Bake for 20 to 25 minutes or until a toothpick comes out clean. Cool in the pan for 10 minutes, then remove to let cool completely. Pipe the frosting on top, then drizzle the caramel sauce on top of the frosting. Garnish with fig slices, berries, or flowers.

*Caramel Maple Fig Cake (as pictured, 4 layers): To make the four-layer cake shown in the photo, line the bottom of four 6-inch (15-cm) springform cake pans with parchment paper, then grease the paper and sides of the pan liberally with palm shortening; set aside. (If you only have two 6-inch (15-cm) springform cake pans, you can still make the cake; you will simply need to wait to make the second batch of batter until you’ve removed the first two cakes from the oven.)

Prepare a double batch of the Salted Caramel Sauce and place in the refrigerator to let cool while preparing the cake layer(s).

To make the layers in this cake, prepare one batch of the batter at a time following Steps 3 through 5 above. Bake the cake layers, following Step 6 above. If you have four 6-inch (15-cm) springform cake pans, you can begin the second batch of cake batter while the first two cakes are baking and pop the second set of cakes in the oven as soon as the first two are removed. If you have only two pans, begin the second batch of batter after you’ve removed the first two cakes from oven. While the second set of cake layers are cooling, make the frosting. To assemble the cake, follow the instructions assembling a multilayer cake in Step 8 above, repeating the process for the four cake layers. Serves 8 to10.

Clean Eating with a Dirty Mind http://cleaneatingwithadirtymind.com/

July 19, 2017 | 43 Comments

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Tags: Cake, Paleo Desserts

Source: http://cleaneatingwithadirtymind.com/2017/07/19/caramel-maple-fig-cake/

[whenwillthearkreturnfromwar]

do all of them

this took me so long

1. Who was the last person you held hands with?

dio

2. Are you outgoing or shy?

more outgoing? but not at first

3. Who are you looking forward to seeing?

dio

4. Are you easy to get along with?

so i’ve been told

5. If you were drunk would the person you like take care of you?

oh def lol

6. What kind of people are you attracted to?

girls

7. Do you think you’ll be in a relationship two months from now?

“relationship” lol yes

8. Who from the opposite gender is on your mind?

my soulmate bryant… gonna be doing a tennis tournament in socal

9. Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable?

if it’s guys talking yeah, otherwise nah

10. Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with?

ummmmm probably you?

11. What does the most recent text that you sent say?

I lov u

12. What are your 5 favorite songs right now?

love in color - taeyeon, i blame on you - taeyeon, bambi - jidenna, talking to the moon - kream, foldin clothes - j cole

13. Do you like it when people play with your hair?

if i like them yea!!!

14. Do you believe in luck and miracles?

luck idk… but miracles yea it’s a miracle that my girl likes me back lol

15. What good thing happened this summer?

:000 i don’t remember this past summer at ALL

16. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?

UMMmmM OFC not to be cheesy but i literally wrote a song about slow kisses with her afsghfkj

17. Do you think there is life on other planets?

yess

18. Do you still talk to your first crush?

who even was my first crush? probs some girl at church so no

19. Do you like bubble baths?

I haven’t had a bubble bath in years but probably

20. Do you like your neighbors?

idk my neighbours…………. one of them is the ex-fire chief of oakland which is cool i guess

21. What are your bad habits?

procrastination, staying up late, singing 24/7, not finishing drinks and leaving cups without washing them

22. Where would you like to travel?

I was thinking about studying abroad for a summer in college… we’ll see

23. Do you have trust issues?

i don’t trust myself

24. Favorite part of your daily routine?

talking to dio

25. What part of your body are you most uncomfortable with?

my fingers are hella short so i cant play instruments as well as i’d like :(((

26. What do you do when you wake up?

go back to sleep

27. Do you wish your skin was lighter or darker?

neither

28. Who are you most comfortable around?

dio

29. Have any of your ex’s told you they regret breaking up?

no..

30. Do you ever want to get married?

umm mayb? for the benefits i guess. if dio wants to

31. If your hair long enough for a pony tail?

nooo i just cut it hecka short

32. Which celebrities would you have a threesome with?

none?

33. Spell your name with your chin.

pzagtgtik

34. Do you play sports? What sports?

taekwondo… fun fact i used to play basketball.. yea…. all 5 feet and ~1 inch of me

35. Would you rather live without TV or music?

TV!!!! i dont watch tv anyway

36. Have you ever liked someone and never told them?

i liked you lmao

37. What do you say during awkward silences?

…

38. Describe your dream girl/guy?

about 5′6″… brown eyes… brown hair that has these hypnotizing curly strands that frame her face… has this strong leader aura that u can kinda tell so ppl rly admire her but she doesn’t even realize…. amazing at soccer, competitive… but SO SOFT…. amazing hilarious storyteller… so intelligent and aware and always striving to better herself!! BEAUTIFUL IN SO MANY WAYS i mean i am actually so lucky so maybe i do believe in luck.. anyway that’s my dream girl… name is dio and she’s mine

39. What are your favorite stores to shop in?

thrift town? i dont rly like shopping

40. What do you want to do after high school?

go to college… probably ucsb actually…. parentals want me to go to davis more tho

41. Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance?

if u mess up a boba order yea; if ur sm ent making amber miserable no

42. If you’re being extremely quiet what does it mean?

im sleeping or being emo

43. Do you smile at strangers?

sometimes i return that flat-line grimace/smile that white ppl give poc in passing bc now that it’s been pointed out to me i can’t unsee it

44. Trip to outer space or bottom of the ocean?

bottom of the ocean is terrifying,, let’s do it

45. What makes you get out of bed in the morning?

the fact that i get to see dio

46. What are you paranoid about?

nothing

47. Have you ever been high?

perchance

48. Have you ever been drunk?

mayhaps

49. Have you done anything recently that you hope nobody finds out about?

i don’t think so

50. What was the colour of the last hoodie you wore?

purple

51. Ever wished you were someone else?

nop

52. One thing you wish you could change about yourself?

my ineptitude at public speaking

53. Favourite makeup brand?

idk makeup

54. Favourite store?

farmer joe’s lol

55. Favourite blog?

@peachylook

56. Favourite colour?

orange!

57. Favourite food? 

korean

58. Last thing you ate?

boba

59. First thing you ate this morning?

oyako donburi

60. Ever won a competition? For what?

I won a poetry competition one time and also a musical chairs game

61. Been suspended/expelled? For what?

nop

62. Been arrested? For what?

nop

63. Ever been in love? 

oh man i’m so in love it’s embarrassing

64. Tell us the story of your first kiss?

LMAO i’ll pass

65. Are you hungry right now?

nah

66. Do you like your tumblr friends more than your real friends?

some

67. Facebook or Twitter?

uhh twitter produces good memes sometimes so i guess twitter

68. Twitter or Tumblr?

this trash site

69. Are you watching tv right now?

no

70. Names of your bestfriends? 

dio, bryant, clara

71. Craving something? What?

cranberry juice

72. What colour are your towels?

pink/white

72. How many pillows do you sleep with?

one

73. Do you sleep with stuffed animals?

no

74. How many stuffed animals do you think you have?

like 20

75. Favourite animal?

doggos/cats

76. What colour is your underwear?

red

77. Chocolate or Vanilla?

chocolate

78. Favourite ice cream flavour?

mint chocolate chip

79. What colour shirt are you wearing?

white/orange

80. What colour pants?

black

81. Favourite tv show?

fresh off the boat

82. Favourite movie?

currently moana

83. Mean Girls or Mean Girls 2?

havent watched either

84. Mean Girls or 21 Jump Street?

^

85. Favourite character from Mean Girls?

^

86. Favourite character from Finding Nemo?

crush

87. First person you talked to today?

my dad?

88. Last person you talked to today?

dio

89. Name a person you hate?

*******

90. Name a person you love?

dio

91. Is there anyone you want to punch in the face right now?

tr*mp

92. In a fight with someone?

no

93. How many sweatpants do you have?

like 5

94. How many sweaters/hoodies do you have?

like 6

95. Last movie you watched?

the shack

96. Favourite actress?

lee sunbin the loml

97. Favourite actor?

???

98. Do you tan a lot?

i dont wear short clothes enough

99. Have any pets?

noooo :’((

100. How are you feeling?

sad bc my girl is sad

101. Do you type fast?

yea

102. Do you regret anything from your past?

oh man so many

103. Can you spell well?

w e l l

104. Do you miss anyone from your past?

yea

105. Ever been to a bonfire party?

no

106. Ever broken someone’s heart?

i don’t …. maybe??? presumptuous of me to say

107. Have you ever been on a horse?

no

108. What should you be doing?

homework

109. Is something irritating you right now?

the fact that it had to rain this sunday of all days

110. Have you ever liked someone so much it hurt?

@ dio

111. Do you have trust issues?

trusting my memory wasnt this already a question

112. Who was the last person you cried in front of?

dio

113. What was your childhood nickname?

…patti?

114. Have you ever been out of your province/state?

i was born out of it lmao

115. Do you play the Wii?

the first and only console i have ever owned

116. Are you listening to music right now?

no

117. Do you like chicken noodle soup?

yes

118. Do you like Chinese food?

yes

119. Favourite book?

whoa idk

120. Are you afraid of the dark?

only if i’m walking in it outside alone

121. Are you mean?

yes i’m p average

122. Is cheating ever okay?

communal cheating in high school hell yea #finesseTheSystem

123. Can you keep white shoes clean?

no

124. Do you believe in love at first sight?

not rly

125. Do you believe in true love?

i believe in soulmates

126. Are you currently bored?

no

127. What makes you happy?

dio, music, good food, games

128. Would you change your name?

yea

129. What your zodiac sign?

pisces

130. Do you like subway?

does BART count

131. Your bestfriend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do?

i should hope he likes me… we’re soulmates. and we’re both gay as hell

132. Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with?

?????

133. Favourite lyrics right now?

taeyeon’s i blame on you and love in color!!!!!!

134. Can you count to one million?

i cant count my blessings how am i supposed to count to a million

135. Dumbest lie you ever told?

i liked boys LOL

136. Do you sleep with your doors open or closed?

closed

137. How tall are you?

5′1″

138. Curly or Straight hair?

curly

139. Brunette or Blonde?

brown/black hair

140. Summer or Winter?

summer

141. Night or Day?

night

142. Favourite month?

march idk

143. Are you a vegetarian?

no

144. Dark, milk or white chocolate?

dark

145. Tea or Coffee?

tea

146. Was today a good day?

it was a day

147. Mars or Snickers?

snickers

148. What’s your favourite quote?

“I’m cool as a motherfuck.” - my old man gov teacher

149. Do you believe in ghosts?

not rly

150. Get the closest book next to you, open it to page 42, what’s the first line on that page?

“If colour was not a straightforward matter in these racial categories, neither was fixity and immutability.”

[tigrerramon]

Hey look @meetmyinnerdemons I finally did it ^^

1. Who was the last person you held hands with?

My mother. She likes to use me as a walking stick on our strolls.

2. Are you outgoing or shy?

I’m probably the shyest person you’ll ever meet tbh.

3. Who are you looking forward to seeing?

All of my friends! I love to be around them ^^

4. Are you easy to get along with?

I suppose so? After you’ll break trough my first inner wall, of course. And if you don’t mind keeping the conversation going by yourself pretty much all the time.

5. If you were drunk would the person you like take care of you?

The part about “person I like” confuses me a bit, but I don’t see any reason why anyone would take care of me anyhow, so I guess no.

6. What kind of people are you attracted to?

Either smarter, nicer and more outgoing than I am (which are actually rather easy to find ^^’) or nerds and losers as miserable as me (which are a lil’ bit more difficult to spot XP).

7. Do you think you’ll be in a relationship two months from now?

Bwahahahahaha!!! X’DDD

...Oh wait, you were asking seriously?

8. Who from the opposite gender is on your mind?

Sherlock Holmes and doctor Watson, but they’re on my mind 24/7. As for real people... no one.

9. Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable?

Yup, actually. What do you know, I have the mind and maturity of an 8-year-old, of course I’m going to be uncomfortable.

10. Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with?

My mother, I think.

11. What does the most recent text that you sent say?

“Good night (^^)/”

12. What are your 5 favorite songs right now?

In no particular order:

Zinogre Theme [Intense Symphonic Metal Cover] by FalKKonE

Adrenalize by In This Moment 

Dear You -Cry- by Yuduki (the original and -Hope- versions could’ve also been there, but I decided to put this one on the list, since it’s probably my fave Dear You so far)

Magia by Kalafina

Lone Digger by Caravan Palace (DON’T JUDGE MEEEEEEEEE)

13. Do you like it when people play with your hair?

I kind of don’t have a choice X’D Really tho, I don’t mind.

14. Do you believe in luck and miracles?

If the fact that I’m still alive and well doesn’t prove it’s existence, then I don’t know what does X’D

15. What good thing happened this summer?

Asagao Academy: Normal Boots Club and Monser Hunter Generations were probably the best things to happen.

16. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?

You mean, to never kiss anyone? Sure, why not.

17. Do you think there is life on other planets?

Maybe, maybe not. I don’t have much hope for that tho.

18. Do you still talk to your first crush?

I was never talking to them in the first place, so X’D

19. Do you like bubble baths?

Waste of my precious time and water. I prefer quick showers.

20. Do you like your neighbors?

I don’t even know them.

21. What are you bad habits?

Fiddling with my hair and fingers, talking to myself, leaving dirty dishes in my room/sink, tapping my foot on the floor, drumming my fingers, biting at my nails, dozing off at random, giggling for no fucking reason in the middle of the conversation, procrastinating...

22. Where would you like to travel?

Either Scandinavia or Canada. Maybe Australia too.

23. Do you have trust issues?

I’m way too trusting, if anything. Does that count?

24. Favorite part of your daily routine?

Coming back from dinner, laying down in my bed and checking YouTube/Tumblr/Facebook/Twitter/whatever.

25. What part of your body are you most uncomfortable with?

All of it, but if I had to choose, I’d say belly =,=

26. What do you do when you wake up?

I used to check Tumblr notifications when my mobile was still working, now I just kind of... Lay there... Trying to get to my senses.

27. Do you wish your skin was lighter or darker?

I’m perfectly comfortable with the tone of my skin, thank you very much.

28. Who are you most comfortable around?

My father and one of my childhood friends - the only one that hadn’t leave me behind (^^)/

29. Have any of your ex’s told you they regret breaking up?

I’ve never been in a relationship, and I don’t think that I ever will.

30. Do you ever want to get married?

Not really, no.

31. If your hair long enough for a pony tail?

Ya bet!

(ps. Why is there an “if” in the beggining of the question?)

32. Which celebrities would you have a threesome with?

None =)

33. Spell your name with your chin.

WQjkkjtrlkrfdjkaZ - welp, close enough XD

34. Do you play sports? What sports?

Nope, sorry. I’m a lazy fatass wasting my whole life on the couch.

35. Would you rather live without TV or music?

TV, easly. I’ve stopped watching it three years ago anyway.

36. Have you ever liked someone and never told them?

Oh, if it was only once...

37. What do you say during awkward silences?

I try not to speak in those situations, but I often start blushing and giggling uncontrollably against my will.

38. Describe your dream girl/guy?

They truly love me and want to be with me no matter what. This is pretty much my only requirement. For extra flavor, they might also be intelligent and patient with me.

39. What are your favorite stores to shop in?

Empik and other bookstores. ‘Cause we’re talking shopping, like, in the broad sense, right? Right?

40. What do you want to do after high school?

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-

41. Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance?

Of course!

42. If you’re being extremely quiet what does it mean?

Being extremely quiet is pretty much my natural state, but if you mean exeptionally quiet even for my standards, then it means that my anxiety and self loathing are probably stiking back. Or I’m just in a bad mood/overwhelmed and need a moment. One of the two.

43. Do you smile at strangers?

Sometimes, if they strike me as nice.

44. Trip to outer space or bottom of the ocean?

Outer space, it’s less claustrofobic. At least a little bit.

45. What makes you get out of bed in the morning?

Elementary sense of duty. That’s when I have school. At the weekends and breaks it’s usually the grotesque and outright GROSS nightmares that I have when I sleep for too long. Seriously, some of them work better than a gallon of thick, black coffee mixed with RedBull and a bag of sugar. Ugh.

46. What are you paranoid about?

Failure, making a fool out of myself, being ridiculed and made fun of, being used, all of my friends leaving me behind and forgetting about me, future in general...

47. Have you ever been high?

No.

48. Have you ever been drunk?

No.

49. Have you done anything recently that you hope nobody finds out about?

No, fortunately :D

50. What was the colour of the last hoodie you wore?

I’m wearing one right now, and it’s... *sigh* ...pink. I freakin’ hate it, but it’s just so comfy...

51. Ever wished you were someone else?

Oh hell yes, time and time again...

52. One thing you wish you could change about yourself?

E V E R Y T H I N G

53. Favourite makeup brand?

??? I don’t do makeup. Ever.

54. Favourite store?

Didn’t I answer this one already in point 39?

55. Favourite blog?

Piwnica Prezydenta Internetu (The President’s of the Internet Basement), Przyczajona Logika Ukryty Słownik (Crouching Logic Hidden Dictionary), Niezatapialna Armada Kolonasa Waazona (Kolonas Waazon’s Unsinkable Armada)

...But you don’t care about those, do you? No, of course not. You meant Tumblr blogs, didn’t you? Oh well. there are some good blogs on here too, like Sameshack, Skylordlysander, Maxa-postrophe, Zaby’s Mind and, of course, Adventures in Lurning.

(No I’m not going to tag any of this people I’m not crazy)

56. Favourite colour?

Still purple, still black.

57. Favourite food?

Four cheese pizza. I’m ready to kill and die for one at any time, anywhere.

58. Last thing you ate?

Haribo gummybears. Yummy~

59. First thing you ate this morning?

A homemade hot dog.

60. Ever won a competition? For what?

There was some sort of scientific contest in the elementary school? Something about nature and the enviorment, anyway. I’ve no idea how I did it, but I did.

61. Been suspended/expelled? For what?

Nnnnnope. I’m generally not a troublemaker.

62. Been arrested? For what?

Nnnnnope. I’m generally not a criminal.

63. Ever been in love?

Yeah, once. Although, when I look at it now, it seems more like a deep, intense, unhealthy fascination and obsession with a person rather than love... Poor guy.

64. Tell us the story of your first kiss?

There was none. The end.

65. Are you hungry right now?

I’m always hungry.

66. Do you like your tumblr friends more than your real friends?

No way!

67. Facebook or Twitter?

Facebook, even tho it’s a total mess.

68. Twitter or Tumblr?

Tumblr. You see, it’s an easy choice because I’m addicted

69. Are you watching tv right now?

Nope.

70. Names of your best friends?

Wiktoria is my bestest friend since elementary uwu And yes, we have the same name. Funny, isn’t it?

71. Craving something? What?

... Too far?

72. What colour are your towels?

Blue, yellow, pink, white and striped with a fuckton of others.

72. How many pillows do you sleep with?

Three, two big + one small.

73. Do you sleep with stuffed animals?

Not anymore.

74. How many stuffed animals do you think you have?

In my room there are four - a bear, a duck, a snake and a Pikachu. I used to have a lot more tho. They are still in the attic.

75. Favourite animal?

Owl, especially Eurasian Eagle Owl <3 Idk man, they’re just so cool~

76. What colour is your underwear?

Cream

77. Chocolate or Vanilla?

Vanilla. Chocolate is overrated.

78. Favourite ice cream flavour?

Cheesecake and lemon <3

79. What colour shirt are you wearing?

I’ve just changed, so now it’s red.

80. What colour pants?

Cream with blue and red patterns.

81. Favourite tv show?

Sherlock, South Park, Monty Python’s Flying Circus, Puella Magi Madoka Magica, Free!, Steven Universe, My Little Pony.... Oh, what? WHAT?!

82. Favourite movie?

Monty Python And The Holy Grail - say what you want about it, but it’s one of the few comedies on which I’m laughing trough the entire thing every time I watch it and I absolutely love it <3

83. Mean Girls or Mean Girls 2?

I’ve never watched any of those, sorry ^^’

84. Mean Girls or 21 Jump Street?

Never watched 21 Jump Street either.

85. Favourite character from Mean Girls?

Why the hell are you so obsessed with Mean Girls?!

86. Favourite character from Finding Nemo?

Gill was pretty cool, I guess.

87. First person you talked to today?

My mother.

88. Last person you talked to today?

My father. He made a margheritta candle for me from the leftover wax I hadn’t thrown out yet. No, really - the candle legitimately looks like a top of a marheritta pizza. Only it smells like orange, raspberry and vanilla...

89. Name a person you hate?

Every single person that was bullying me for the six years before I started high school. I know it’s petty, but I still hate every single one of those motherfuckers.

90. Name a person you love?

My parents, for starters.

91. Is there anyone you want to punch in the face right now?

The entire Mag publishing house for delaying Wings of Fire: The Dark Secret for another four months =,= It was supposed to be out almost half a year ago, dammit!

92. In a fight with someone?

No, fortunatelly. I hate fighting. (AndI’m not very good at it either XD)

93. How many sweatpants do you have?

Around 6, I believe.

94. How many sweaters/hoodies do you have?

9 or 10.

95. Last movie you watched?

Harry Potter and The Deadly Hollows, pt. 1 - I haven’t watched it all the way trough, however. At one point my parents has thrown me out of the room, because I was constantly comparing it to the original, explaining background and unintentionally spoiling later scenes XD Don’t watch adaptations of things that I like with me. Ever.

96. Favourite actress?

I don’t have one.

97. Favourite actor?

I don’t have one either ^^’

98. Do you tan a lot?

Not really. I just burn, usually.

99. Have any pets?

A lovely dog and a small pack of chickens, whih I consider to be pets too <3

100. How are you feeling?

Mostly relaxed, although kind of tense. Better than yesterday, at least.

101. Do you type fast?

Fast enough not to drive pepole that I text with insane.

102. Do you regret anything from your past?

*breaths in*

B O I

103. Can you spell well?

Well enough, but I still make stupid mistakes every now and then.

104. Do you miss anyone from your past?

My cousins, best friend from childhood and one particular friend from elementary/middle school.

105. Ever been to a bonfire party?

Yep, yep, yep!

106. Ever broken someone’s heart?

Never!

107. Have you ever been on a horse?

Yeah, and I still remember some of the basics of riding it ^^

108. What should you be doing?

Getting pissed at Mofftiss while watching The Final Problem, but ehhh... I’m kinda scared ;^;

109. Is something irritating you right now?

My father flashing a flashlight right into my eyes trough my room’s window. He’s just an asshole like that.

110. Have you ever liked someone so much it hurt?

Yeah, once or twice.

111. Writing or drawing?

I hardly do any of those anymore, but I’ve always felt more confident with writing.

112. Who was the last person you cried in front of?

Oh my, uh... I think it would be my entire fucking polish group at school. This was probably the most embarassing thing that I did this school year...

113. What was your childhood nickname?

I didn’t really have any? ;^; Everyone was always calling my by my real name.

114. Have you ever been out of your province/state?

Yeah, pretty much every year since I was eight.

115. Do you play the Wii?

No, sadly ;^; I’d love to try it someday tho, I’ve heard that it had some good games.

116. Are you listening to music right now?

Yup, to the Ace Attorney series soundtrack. It never gets old.

117. Do you like chicken noodle soup?

A lot.

118. Do you like Chinese food?

I like the noodles, but I don’t think that I’ve ever tried anything else? I probably should...

119. Favourite book?

Gaaaah, so many to choose from! Uh, um... Jurassic Park? It’s nostalgic at least ;^;

120. Are you afraid of the dark?

A little bit, especially if I’m not at home.

121. Are you mean?

Way more that I would like to be.

122. Is cheating ever okay?

Nope.

123. Can you keep white shoes clean?

Not to save my life X’D I have a peculiar talent to get dirty all the goddamn time.

124. Do you believe in love at first sight?

No way in hell. It’s weak, stupid, unrealistic, juvenile and lazy.

125. Do you believe in true love?

Absolutely. I’ll most likely never find it, but I know that there are people who did.

126. Are you currently bored?

And why do you think I’m answering those questions?

127. What makes you happy?

Peace and quiet at home, my friends giving me some of their precious time anywhere at any time.

128. Would you change your name?

Why would I? It’s not that bad. My surname is way worse.

129. What your zodiac sign?

Virgo

130. Do you like subway?

Never was in any. If you’re talking about the restaurant tho... Nnnnope, still wasn’t in any. Oh well.

131. Your best friend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do?

Pretend that I don’t know and nothing has happened, while simultaneously screaming and absolutely panicking on the inside.

132. LGBTQ+ right supporter?

YES, DEFINITELY!

133. Favourite lyrics right now?

The crowd wears a dress of hypocrisy

Am I decieving?

Am I being decieved?

Does it even have any...

...impact on the future?

(Jekyll & Hyde - Hatsune Miku and IA)

134. Can you count to one million?

If I was really, really bored, then I think I could.

135. Dumbest lie you ever told?

“Yes, mom, this year I’m going to work hard.”

136. Do you sleep with your doors open or closed?

Closed. I don’t want my dog to get in in the middle of the night and wake me up (and believe me, he does that).

137. How tall are you?

About 170 cm.

138. Curly or Straight hair?

Straight, it’s easier to take care of.

139. Brunette or Blonde?

Indifferent, but let’s say brunette.

140. Summer or Winter?

Summer! I don’t have to do anything!

141. Night or Day?

Night. I love to sleep.

142. Favourite month?

July - the holidays has just begun and I have the time for literally everything <3

143. Are you a vegetarian?

No, I love my meat way too much <3

144. Dark, milk or white chocolate?

White, even tho it technically isn’t even chocolate anymore.

145. Tea or Coffee?

Tea. I can drink it anytime I want without consequences.

146. Was today a good day?

It was okay.

147. Mars or Snickers?

Mars, I hate the nuts getting between my teeth =,=

148. What’s your favourite quote?

It varies, but in this very moment, I think that this one speaks to me the most:

Almost nobody dances sober, unless they happen to be insane.

~ H. P. Lovecraft

(Just try to guess what is my biggest problem right now)

149. Do you believe in ghosts?

No.

150. Get the closest book next to you, open it somewhere, what’s the first line

(Translating translation, sorry)

“Glory has leaped forward with bared teeth and catched the nearest spear.”

I still won’t tag anyone since I don’t want to get into people’s hair for no good reason