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#sometimes i really just need to get my thoughts out of my brain even if no one is reading them
loquarocoeur · 16 hours
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In which occasion do you think Carlie would safe word in yours!verse??
Like I feel if he ever thought he was doing something max might not enjoy or if he thought he was ACTUALLY hurting him he would use his safe word, but I’m curious to see your take on this cause I loved “red yellow green”, and I would love to know what you think would be the situation in which Charlie uses his safe word
Well yeah if he got the feeling something was wrong with Max obviously he'd safeword, but I also think there would probably be times where he just kind of gets in his own head about it and he feels like he's a shit person because he's 'hurting' Max or smth like it's natural for your brain to sometimes be like 'love of my life is crying because of me, logically that's bad and ergo I am a terrible person' and freak out in the middle of things
But also naturally sometimes someone simply isn't in the right state of mind or mood to go through with a scene, like if Max is looking for trouble and Charles can tell, but he doesn't really feel in the right headspace for it he'd just say yellow and tell Max that so they can figure out if they just want to have sex without Charles being mean or just some chill sex without the dom/sub part, or he'd say red and they just do something else entirely and leave the sex for tomorrow
Or there are times where you think you want something and then turns out you don't like it, like maybe Max is into something and Charles would probably use yellow to just say like um, I love you, but it's a no for me
Or sometimes things probably just go too fast and they're stumbling on something new in the middle of things and you feel like it's too much and too fast and you can't do this new thing without talking about it first so you'd use yellow, or if you're like woah panic, you'd use red I guess
And also I think they both have days where they're just absolutely insatiable and their sex drives just do not match up and it's the fifth fucking time today and 'honest to god Max I love you so much but red because my dick is about to fall off, go jerk off by yourself' and it's not even serious, it's just a thing to laugh about really (although I think that one probably happens the other way around more often lol)
Like idk whether I'll actually write more about it or not, but I also feel the need to mention that safewords obviously do have this potential for being a nice thing to base a more serious scene around and explore some heavier emotions, but it also gives them this rep in fic of always being this big, heavy thing when I think sometimes they aren't, like they don't always need to be accompanied by a massive breakdown, they can just be used casually to check if everyone is fine or to stop and do something else without it being the end of the world
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vent moment but my health is a bit worse than i let on, which is weird ik since it seems like complain about it all the time here, and apparently i also look sick, because two separate people in their 40s or 50s asked me, 24, if i needed their seat on the bus. kind of them. but humiliating nonetheless.
#medical stuff cw#i sat on the steps instead of taking their seat#vent cw#i have to take five different pills a day excluding birth control which i also take for health reasons but okay#i have to thank italy for its healthcare system because at least i dont have to pay a fuckton for all that stuff. except birthcontrol.#as i may have mentioned they found quite a bit of blood in my piss so im getting tested for ✨️cancer✨️#also because i've been having health issues which might be rated#my blood work is all off but i didnt get tested for tumoral cells specifically because i may have 'just' an autoimmune condition#so im on heavy duty antibiotics too now bc i also developed antibiotic resistance last year. anyway.#i need to take those and then they'll test my peepee again but this time they will also test explicitly for tumoral cells#because something is off and my previous blood work didnt point out what exactly#terrible anemia and other slightly-off numbers that however shouldnt be off considering my lifestyle#i eat almost everything. drink plenty of water. exercise. barely smoke. not even drinking anymore. i'm not too fat nor too skinny.#so. some of the numbers that are off dont really have a reason to be off which is why they are testing my blood and piss for cancer#but like. in 3 weeks because i have to take antibiotics and iron meds (not supplements. meds.) first#so my mind's trying to convince itself that i dont have a tumor. but what if i do? i know i dont. but not knowing makes me go insane#also i have to get tested for heart disease because that motherfucker is not working properly. doesnt pump enough blood to my brain.#i took an ekg and it came back pretty normal except for tachycardia#now i have to go get an holter ekg - but was told to wait until uni starts again bc i need that exam to be done when i have a daily routine#so basically they slap electrodes and shit on me for 24 hrs while i go do my shit around the city and then see how my heart behaved#because i cant stand without struggling to breathe and sometimes it happens when in laying down to.#sometimes i cant fall asleep because i cant breathe#at first the doc thought it might be a reflux issue but not. all good on that front.#so. we'll see. and i mean. i KNOW it's not cancer. like. i'd be dead by now bc i've been having these symptoms for five months#however. i dont know if it's not an autoimmune disease. and if it is? what am i gonna do?
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hundredowls · 9 months
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silly oc doodle..... ballroom yuri
#ocs#ok so im gonna ramble/complain in the tags for a bit bc i love to complain its mostly not even gonna be relevant to the ocs but anyway ok#yknow that diagram abt art skills thats like ability to see/ability to draw#im at the BAD PART OF IT RN#i wanna draw fanart so bad but then i get annoyed bc the fanart doesnt look as good as the source material GHRG which is a totally#unreasonable thing to think bc source material is drawn by Professionals but you know how it is. Art Hard etc etc complain etc etc#need to do more studies etc etc#i wanna be able to draw really good so i can draw the things i love!!!!! even if its hard and tedious i wanna practise!!!! i love art!!!!!!#dont think about whats easy think about whats fun - bokuto koutarou etc#anyway everyday i am sad i have to sit in front of a desk for 8 hours instead of practising drawing :( i wanna table at a con this year....#but is there even time.....#ANYWAY this is somewhat relevant bc in an effort to be less hard on myself mayhaps i will try draw more oc things so i dont feel pressure#(self imposed)#to make it perfect kjskjkd#or at least not as much#and hopefully get over my brain's tendency to Compare Everything#i have like 3 vague sets of ocs (one less vague than the others ive posted one of the characters from that on my main art blog before sjdks#these two are from the next less vague set there is a plot premise and some side characters too. shdks#i thought abt them a couple months ago but then i watched strictly ballroom w sophie n i was reminded of them again#anyway im not good at coming up w fully fleshed out stories i just like to doodle ppl n think of random connected scenarios sometimes sdjk#i did a mini free online life drawing course in the break n i tried to apply what i learnt here.... i will keep practising when i can.....#well. if u read all the way to the end. hello :) KJASKA#im going to shower....
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genshin-projection · 4 months
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i don't think i can be normal about Sunday guys
#hsr#hsr spoilers#i haven't even FINISHED it yet but his ideology is so warped. i cheered when i thought Gallagher had killed him for real#im not upset he's alive though i do think it's a bit of a cop-out . but. ouhghhhh something is so wrong with his mind (/positive.)#it's successfully looped back around to loving his character though. when there's a fucked up guy in a story i either#1) get very hostile towards them because i feel like they aren't being portrayed enough like the villain i see them as#or 2) become Obsessed with them forever because they are just so fucking . Wrong. like .#ayato genshin impact falls into both of these categories simultaneously like a fucking electron.#but sunday. he has wholeheartedly landed himself in the second category. i need to dissect him and maybe like. idk. give him a cake (?)??#Come Experience The Joys. Idiot. and also maybe listen to your sister.#honestly i REALLY like robin i think she's super super great and has good ideas#i really really love the like. the.#the contrast between his like. his horrible pessimistic nihilistic ideology. and robins optimistic harmonious one.#like robin seems to kind of... not be able to understand that sometimes nihilism is the only way to survive and that it's a balance#survival is good but hard to break out of... you need to survive enough to be ABLE to live. she seems to idealize living in opposition to it#whereas sunday is like. there are people who can ONLY survive. sometimes living isn't an option because the world is cruel and we don't all#get that choice. sometimes surviving is all you can do. why not embrace that? why not build a place where people can postpone death?#if fulfillment isn't possible... then why not accept placation even if it is a poison to the soul? surely joyful prison is better than death#if all that awaits in the world is suffering then why not let the bird live the rest of its days in its cage... even if it is unfulfilling?#HE'S SO . RHGHHGHGHFHGHHVGJF#he feels like he's on the brink of a misanthropic suicidal breakdown to me. someone fucking help him (but not really)#(i don't think anyone should be subjected to his brain. but i would like to see him get better. actually i think robin is trying for sure)#anyway. very curious how this quest is going to end. i want to rip him limb from limb and then stitch him back together again after#my posts
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faebriel · 10 months
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hgs brainrot has returned due to tbosas .. speaking of hgs here’s an ask abt the hgs au: if things were totally different, and Wilbur were to be a 12 victor, what do you think a possible mentor-tribute dynamic would look like between him & Niki? I feel like it would be similar to Snow & Lucy in the way that he’s just going out of his way to cheat n help her
anon u have in fact struck jackpot because this is a concept i was spinning some thoughts abt before bee mentioned avoxes and we went OOOOH at that!!! so yes i have considered rainduo as a mentor-tribute dynamic and would love to talk about that concept too :]
so for this concept i think wilbur and niki would be close friends throughout childhood from 12, and then in their teens wilbur is reaped and, well, no one has particularly high hopes (he's a writer and a musician at heart, not a fighter) but through sheer trickery and dumb luck, he makes it to the end of the games. wilbur pulled some pretty fucked up tricks to win - when you can't use brute force, you have to use your brain - and partly due to the trauma of the games, partly due to his shame and survivor's guilt, he sinks into the capitol and relishes a new life there as a socialite. to him, the old wilbur died in the games and the new one has taken his place - to niki, and to his other friends in 12, whatever the games did to him made him into every vapid heartless capitol victor there is.
or. niki has her doubts. they all saw how horrible the games were, but surely there is some part of him left, some part that's hurting, even if it's buried deep?
anyway.
like og spin of the au, niki is reaped and this sucks - this time she does expect wilbur as her mentor on the train, and she expects some kind of warm welcome (maybe even an apology for leaving them so suddenly and silently? an explanation?) but she gets jack shit. wilbur is jaded and cruel and unrecognisable and niki entirely hates it. this is the part where i REALLY WISH we got some time of those two beefing with each other directly in canon (or at least interactions while niki was So Mad at him) but it's okay we fly blind. niki feels abandoned, lonely, thrown off of her kilter - she expected an ally in this place, but she doesn't recognise the person wilbur has become. she doesn't recognise his shallowness (...much), his ruthless advice for the arena, the way he doesn't seem to care for anything. she's scared and now she's lonely and it pisses her off - their mentorship is fraught. here are some thoughts from discord on that:
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i tend to think of niki as a bit naïve before l'manberg or even doomsday - i think this is an au where this streak would come out real strong, and niki is stubborn that she can get through the games without losing herself. stubborn that she can stop things, that she can protect people. i don't think wilbur is cold enough (or, really, can bear to say aloud) to say that her odds in the arena are slim enough as it is, but he definitely tells her that she's making enemies and that her odds of survival dwindle with the more trouble she causes.
beyond that... hm. niki's trust in wilbur is almost unshakeable until nov 16, even when she outright says she doesn't recognise him anymore. i think she'd reluctantly listen re: don't burn down any buildings, but she would grow bolder each day she had to stay in the capitol. she gets more honest in front of the cameras. she makes more friends in training, and not the ones wilbur recommends. she throws barbs at him every time he makes one of those callous, cold-hearted comments about other tributes and rankings and odds. and besides, she's going in the arena this time, not him. she needs to practice her bravery.
it's like... she hasn't given up on him. she thinks the old wilbur is in there somewhere. (she is wrong. that is not how trauma works.) but she won't hold her tongue just because she
for extra angst points could definitely play up the whole 'feeling abandoned' angle between them as niki goes into the arena - probably due to how fraught their friendship gets leading up to the games. niki wants to focus on them and their friendship, wilbur has stringently cut off (almost) everything from 12 and refuses to let her in; he tells her to behave for the cameras, she tells him she never will. i think the last point in that screenshot would also make for a super tasty argument where niki feels wilbur has gone astray, that he's abandoned 12, and that he'll probably do nothing but sit on his ass and watch her die and he can't even bring himself to care about her anymore, can he? just more fodder for the arena. and honestly, i think wilbur would passively agree with most of that - he values niki's opinion, after all, even now, and if she says he's rapidly descending into a lost cause then she must be right. and it's niki, so she will be fine, and he goes to his bedroom that night and tries to pretend he is sleeping perfectly fine instead of feeling paralysed with fear.
okay now onto the games - YES HE SO WOULD. or at least i think he would go out of his way to help. as for cheating - he's a recent victor for 12 and i think he would value tommy (no doubt a link to him... i think they'd be in touch in this au also) too much to risk the punishment falling onto him as well. i get the vibes this is a games closer to 74th than 10th, so there are far fewer opportunities to cheat and the consequences of getting caught are higher. but schmoozing up sponsors? making stupid ass radio interviews or whatever to talk up niki's odds? sharing anecdotes from their childhood - some real, some entirely fabricated - across capitol airwaves to stoke their sympathy? 100%. with less to lose in this au, i think niki would be far less inclined to play nice for the cameras - i hope you starve, she spits at one of them, and wilbur appears on a talkshow two days later as she scrambles for survival in the arena to talk up how she always saved loaves from the bakery for the poorest mothers and children in 12. he borrows and begs and swindles to the point where it feels like cheating. but hey, this new wilbur is capitol-branded. he knows how to play the game.
if anything he probably sinks into the game a little too much. self-preservation is not his forte. probably wracks up a few heavy debts and favours to owe, but those are not priority until niki is out of the arena, alive. as long as she wins, and as long as the family he has isn't in danger, he will manage. wow it would suck if at some point those two goals became impossible to co-achieve. anyway
i kind of see niki's victory in the arena being similar to the one in the main au - if only because planning out an entire games is hard for meee >-< . she walks in bolder and braver for sure, and with a less strategic pick of allies, but they all get picked off and she spends a few weeks so terrified she can barely sleep and then she ruptures some fuel line and sets the arena alight with a fire that burns brighter and more ravenously than it should. but she wins, and she's airlifted out of a filthy, muddy creek she had resigned herself to die in, and wilbur barges his way through as many peacekeepers so that he can actually see her with her burnt skin and hair and unfocused eyes and trust that what was on the screens wasn't a fluke, and that they made it. and then it's just a matter of surviving the after.
i'm sure there are some other random quirks or tidbits i can think of re: this take on a c!rainduo hunger games au but these are my base thoughts!!
#can i just say whatever the hell lucy grey n snow had going on in part 1 made me so berko btw. like congrats ur my means to an end youre my#symbol youre my buddy? should we kiss? i'll get you out of here / don't make me leave these people behind#BRIDGING OFF OF THE TBOSAS DISCUSSION. i think the thing with crainduo (or at least how i like to depict them) is that they care about each#other extremely deeply and value each other... without being each others number one priority at all times.#i don't think niki plays priority with people she cares for like that; see her relationships with like wilbur and eret in lmanberg#even her friendship with and offering ponk a place to stay in her city after manberg even tho manberg hurt her#as for wilbur: his priority is tommy. like always. if it was just him on the line he'd do anything to get niki thru but it's not#asks#hunger games au#they would truly be such a nightmare in this au like. wilbur's self loathing is SO HIGH due to survivors guilt and trauma and mental illnes#he thinks that niki is So Good and Has It Together meanwhile he is So Bad#and is a mess that she cannot possibly rely on him. she can't possibly need him. she can't possibly want him around#<- and this shit is INGRAINED like. it's not even an active thought pattern anymore it is carved into his brain like a groove#and so shes like. do you even care whether i live or die??#of course he does. but this is the capitol. he cant be vulnerable in a way that matters#and that alienates niki further and this rage and heartbreak is building in her with nowhere to go. and in the arena she thinks it erupts#nah uh. i think its AFTER the area when she has to face wilbur again that she would go full screaming meltdown#ANYWAY !! i really like aus where they have this friction esp because i think like.. idk i think sometimes our views of rainduo are too ros#wilbur kind of forgets about niki sometimes because his self hatred is that bad. niki doesnt get wilburs mental illness and takes it both a#a burden/blame AND a direct rejection of her and her friendship#and they hover just outside of each others spaces anxious and angry and almost self flagellating. GOOD FOR THEM !#anyway Yes this did unlock something within me. thanks anon feel free to add on if u had more thoughts esp re: tbosas and such bc i had suc#a good time watching that movie
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witherbythesword · 3 months
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#when i was a kid I was kinda neglected and my parents didn't like me very much but whatever#in tv there would always be these talent#and they would stare little kids with they parents being THERE and PROUD#so in my kid brain i thought: alright so to better my situation i just need to get really good at something and then they'll care for me#and the only skill i had been complimented on before was drawing#so i started teaching myself drawing#birds because i liked them and plants because i thought my mother loved and later skeletons because i was emo lol#and i think how i am so perfectionist in my art (eventhough i try to be happy with just whatever i make these days)#and i think about that quote of suzanne riveca thats like:#(my art) has to be perfect it has to be irreproachable in every way to make up for it#to make up for the fact that it's me#and about that one tweet that went something lile#sometimes we strive for pervection in our art because we hope to one day create something that doesn't look like we made it#and how i love drawing and hat that knife against my throat that hinges my life on it being good#and how no matter what i do#I can't get rid of that sinking feeling that i always have to struggle and earn my place in someones life#even when i know it's not like that and thats just the mentally ill part of my brain being loud and dumb#Like i got so many issues under controll by now#many reason to be proud! and be positive about things getting better and my own strength#but some part of my brain is still that little girl alone in all the empty rooms#and i can't get her out of there#because the strength that girl needed to make it through is the same strength i need to help myself through the waves of the aftermath#like i feel like to heal i'd need to allow mysf to be weak but that prospect of not holding myself clenxhed like a fist is so scary#and also knowing how bad my brain can be who knowd what would happen lol#and I WISH not every therapist in my city that accepts patients was a weird nutjob#so i could talk to them about it rather than the tumblr tag#but this is the hand we've been given and it's the hand we need to hold or however that goes#a few days ago someone called me charming and that was very nice#tumblr still limiting the tags to 30 😔 how is a girl supppse to therapise herself in that economy????#whatever!!! i am shattering like glass but at least i have viddy games and cool people in my life that like me despite it all and music
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running-in-the-dark · 10 months
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I want to be someone who has smart and interesting things to say about shows/movies that I like - like when I tried to convince my friends that they really need to watch Leverage. that would have been useful! instead I'm just like 'it's sooo good I like it so much I love all the characters they're all so awesome 🥰'
my thoughts are generally just like.
ooh he soo prettyyy. I want to braid his hair. hehe he punched someone. look at his lil face 🥰 baby boi. pretty smile his mouth is so nice I like his teeth. chest hair. hands! arms arms arms 🤤 his eyes are so pretty. oooh blood on his face, blood on his face! he's growling. annd his voice is all raspy again. I wonder [many many redacted thoughts]. ooh now he's in danger oh noo 😏
there's a bunch of 'she's so pretty' and 'I love her' somewhere in between all that too but mostly it's just. very, very stupid
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jankwritten · 2 years
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vent post time pardners
part of my issues with the way I experience time is that one day to everybody else can feel like literal WEEKS for me. It's not every day, but some days, especially when I spend most of it writing or inside, not interacting with people, I feel as if I've gone multiple days/weeks without talking to anybody.
this then exacerbates my issues/fears that if somebody doesn't talk to me much for a day, they suddenly hate me. so if I'm perceiving one day wherein I don't talk to people much as more like 10-11 days, all of a sudden I'm panicking that everyone hates me and never wants to talk to me again because I've only said maybe 2-3 things to them over the course of what is, IRL, only one day. because I'm perceiving that to be ten times longer instead of the actual span of time that it is.
does this make literally any sense. is this like, a common occurrence for other people? i would like for it to stop pls, because it really fuckin tanks my mental health and i'm So Tired of that happening.
(more vent in the tags)
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genderqueer-karma · 1 year
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guys can i talk about that fucking guy. clap if you think i should talk about that fucking guy.
(accidental ramble in the tags. oops. don’t read if you don’t want to read a crisis.)
#yo it's d :)#you already know who that fucking guy is unless you’re new here and that’s none of you so .#i need to start asking my friends if i can talk about that guy but it’s hard honestly#he literally takes up 50 to 80 per cent of my mind on a daily basis#even when i’m not thinking about him i’m thinking of him#i’ll see something blue and be like ‘wow! yk who really likes the color blue?’ and suddenly my brain is flooded with thoughts of Him#don’t get me wrong i love him but i realize that other people don’t care about him as much as i do so i’m trying to dial it back#still. it’s hard.#especially knowing that other people know how to contain themselves and i’m just sitting here raw out in the open like this#to be honest idk how i managed to survive school because since september i’ve kinda been living in mana hell(/heaven. depending on the day)#some people say they have addictive personalities and honestly i think that’s me#my brain is addicted to him! i literally study this man’s face and mannerisms and can tell you exactly how he smiles when his expression#is otherwise neutral. i can relay unnecessary amounts of his band history to you and have watched WAY too many interviews and videos#and the worst part? i literally told myself ‘hey! you can’t get like this again’* because the last time was really bad! it was destructive!#*(about a person.) i literally cannot function sometimes for just thinking about this guy.#i rarely listen to music besides his anymore and can literally tell you characteristic features of his composing! it’s kind of embarrassing!#like i’m a music nerd but i’m not THAT big of a music nerd. i usually can’t tell you things like that. most i can do is tell you#instrumentation. but whenever i listen to something he *mightve* composed i can automatically confirm or deny.#that’s not normal !!!!!!!!#having over *2000* pictures of a person you’ve never met in your phone is not normal!#but despite me being in the goddamn TRENCHES. i love him so so so much.#he genuinely makes me so happy. seeing images/videos of him from any time period makes me go ‘!!!’ because i think he’s the coolest!#and he’s so inspiring. he’s part of the reason i took up drawing again and regained some passion for music.#thus ends my tale of woe.
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orcelito · 2 years
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What If I didn't have a brain of a pessimistic squirrel that takes everything out of proportion and can't deal with any thing
#speculation nation#me getting 4 comments 3 of them being long & detailed and wonderful#(which i want to reply to them so baaad but i dont have a brain rn. tomorrow i will)#but i also lost Two bookmarks (gasp!) and i have 4 comments when my average is like 7 or 8 ish. sometimes more.#and my brain is like 'do people not like it? 😭'#trying to beat my brain back with a stick like a: this is a Long Chapter so people will need time to absorb it#and b: even if i dont have a ton of reception i still have 3 very detailed comments that express how much they love it#those comments r the only thing keeping me sane rn ngl.#this is why people say not to rely on reception for satisfaction with ur own work bc it will never be enough#god i really hope andi can recover enough to return to beta reading soon bc i am losing my mind#might also be the sleep deprivation talking. but The Anxiety is easier to ignore if i have someone there to reassure me#prior to posting. so that i know at Least one person enjoys it.#ughhhhhhngg me planning on A Part being included next chapter that is uhhh#kind of a difficult topic to cover. Essential but idk how ppl will feel about it. im gonna include it but i will be anxious about it.#ngl anytime i have smth that is Uhhh taking any kind of stance with anything or making any kind of statement#it makes me so anxious to put that out there. so many little emails to tell people how i view the world...#just currently dealing with smth i thought was good n reasonable n important that has gotten 0 attention and im just like#i hope ppl dont hate it... i hope that's not why im losing bookmarks....#maybe ppl have just lost interest in the game. or maybe ppl hate where im going with the story.#i CANNOT tell and it drives me insane. little hampster beaver brain needs to Not.#maybe its time to sleep. can u tell by this post that i can barely keep my eyes open rn? i think i probably could tell.#discacc shit#sure lol it deals with it enough
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iindigenize · 2 years
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porque de repente extrano tanto de la toxica?
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girlscience · 3 months
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I am BORED. I haven't had a fixation in a bit and I don't have much to do at work right now unless I am in the field since I don't have a project yet, so I don't have anything to think about. I have tried working on worldbuilding and oc stuff and reading fanfic and getting back into one piece and various other shows and tried to read a couple books and doing chores around my apartment and doing stuff with the other grads or with friends, and nothing is working. I am still so so so bored.
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peapod20001 · 1 year
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When I love a song, I’ll love it forever
#random post#smth i thought about earlier. yknow. I have a hard time picking favorites with literally everything#I also have what I SAY is a favorite of mine. but I have a hard time really pinpointing whats number 1 in my brain#like. I love lots of things. I like different aesthetics and clothing and art mediums and movies and shows and books and music and people#but it’s difficult trying to find the favorite. some things are easier cus there’s more that I DONT like so it kinda singles out an option#like with music. I love LOTS of music. but what does it mean when smth is a favorite? I don’t have a favorite genre cus I have songs I love#from all over. even ones I haven’t heard yet. music overall is one of my favorite things. I’m not joking when I say it’s a love language#I love the melodies and beats and rhythms and lyrics and voices. always and forever will have a place in my heart and mind#I hate questions that want to know favorites. isn’t it enough to just show you instead? to share everything with you? why do you need one#single thing to know exactly who I am? wouldn’t you get me better if you spent a day with me instead?#I can’t remember everything of importance to me. not all in one single moment. if I went through my playlists and told you what songs I love#and why. what books I love and why. what anything I love and why. you’d find that I’m a bit undefined. I’m an artist and a creator. strong#yet weak imagination. sometimes think better in the abstract and other times do better with what’s set in stone#I love sharing things with people. I wish people would engage more with what I share sometimes. but I never hold it against em or hate them#if they don’t haha. often I feel down when ppl don’t engage with what I share. I know people aren’t obligated to do things but. yknow. it’s#my heart in a platter. splayed our for everyone. bits of me I want to share. what I want people to see. I’ve sat down with people to share#music I like. one friend said a song I like was scary. some people make faces at what I play. some have paid it no mind at all. they don’t#even know how important to me sharing something like that is. hell. how important me sharing ANYTHING is. it’s so easy to hide away#everything about myself. yet here I am trying my hardest to open myself up. yea. wish I was able to connect with someone like that#in person I mean. I guess. I just want to lay down with someone and play music we love. explain why we love it. or try to understand why#idk I’m getting rambly. I just want to do new things forever. and relive the first time everytime#this isn’t a vent or anything. just thinking and writing as I do. typing helps me to keep my mind on track. a bit at least. as much as one#with a brain like mine can havagahhaga. I wonder if anyone actually reads through my tag rambles in their entirety. I know it looks daunting#so I don’t blame you if you can’t or don’t feel like it. it won’t kill me if my words are lost in the void#haha anyways yea :> thinking lots
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bookishdiplodocus · 19 days
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The Neurodivergent Writer’s Guide to Fun and Productivity
(Even when life beats you down)
Look, I’m a mom, I have ADHD, I’m a spoonie. To say that I don’t have heaps of energy to spare and I struggle with consistency is an understatement. For years, I tried to write consistently, but I couldn’t manage to keep up with habits I built and deadlines I set.
So fuck neurodivergent guides on building habits, fuck “eat the frog first”, fuck “it’s all in the grind”, and fuck “you just need time management”—here is how I manage to write often and a lot.
Focus on having fun, not on the outcome
This was the groundwork I had to lay before I could even start my streak. At an online writing conference, someone said: “If you push yourself and meet your goals, and you publish your book, but you haven’t enjoyed the process… What’s the point?” and hoo boy, that question hit me like a truck.
I was so caught up in the narrative of “You’ve got to show up for what’s important” and “Push through if you really want to get it done”. For a few years, I used to read all these productivity books about grinding your way to success, and along the way I started using the same language as they did. And I notice a lot of you do so, too.
But your brain doesn’t like to grind. No-one’s brain does, and especially no neurodivergent brain. If having to write gives you stress or if you put pressure on yourself for not writing (enough), your brain’s going to say: “Huh. Writing gives us stress, we’re going to try to avoid it in the future.”
So before I could even try to write regularly, I needed to teach my brain once again that writing is fun. I switched from countable goals like words or time to non-countable goals like “fun” and “flow”.
Rewire my brain: writing is fun and I’m good at it
I used everything I knew about neuroscience, psychology, and social sciences. These are some of the things I did before and during a writing session. Usually not all at once, and after a while I didn’t need these strategies anymore, although I sometimes go back to them when necessary.
I journalled all the negative thoughts I had around writing and try to reason them away, using arguments I knew in my heart were true. (The last part is the crux.) Imagine being supportive to a writer friend with crippling insecurities, only the friend is you.
Not setting any goals didn’t work for me—I still nurtured unwanted expectations. So I did set goals, but made them non-countable, like “have fun”, “get in the flow”, or “write”. Did I write? Yes. Success! Your brain doesn’t actually care about how high the goal is, it cares about meeting whatever goal you set.
I didn’t even track how many words I wrote. Not relevant.
I set an alarm for a short time (like 10 minutes) and forbade myself to exceed that time. The idea was that if I write until I run out of mojo, my brain learns that writing drains the mojo. If I write for 10 minutes and have fun, my brain learns that writing is fun and wants to do it again.
Reinforce the fact that writing makes you happy by rewarding your brain immediately afterwards. You know what works best for you: a walk, a golden sticker, chocolate, cuddle your dog, whatever makes you happy.
I conditioned myself to associate writing with specific stimuli: that album, that smell, that tea, that place. Any stimulus can work, so pick one you like. I consciously chose several stimuli so I could switch them up, and the conditioning stays active as long as I don’t muddle it with other associations.
Use a ritual to signal to your brain that Writing Time is about to begin to get into the zone easier and faster. I guess this is a kind of conditioning as well? Meditation, music, lighting a candle… Pick your stimulus and stick with it.
Specifically for rewiring my brain, I started a new WIP that had no emotional connotations attached to it, nor any pressure to get finished or, heaven forbid, meet quality norms. I don’t think these techniques above would have worked as well if I had applied them on writing my novel.
It wasn’t until I could confidently say I enjoyed writing again, that I could start building up a consistent habit. No more pushing myself.
I lowered my definition for success
When I say that nowadays I write every day, that’s literally it. I don’t set out to write 1,000 or 500 or 10 words every day (tried it, failed to keep up with it every time)—the only marker for success when it comes to my streak is to write at least one word, even on the days when my brain goes “naaahhh”. On those days, it suffices to send myself a text with a few keywords or a snippet. It’s not “success on a technicality (derogatory)”, because most of those snippets and ideas get used in actual stories later. And if they don’t, they don’t. It’s still writing. No writing is ever wasted.
A side note on high expectations, imposter syndrome, and perfectionism
Obviously, “Setting a ridiculously low goal” isn’t something I invented. I actually got it from those productivity books, only I never got it to work. I used to tell myself: “It’s okay if I don’t write for an hour, because my goal is to write for 20 minutes and if I happen to keep going for, say, an hour, that’s a bonus.” Right? So I set the goal for 20 minutes, wrote for 35 minutes, and instead of feeling like I exceeded my goal, I felt disappointed because apparently I was still hoping for the bonus scenario to happen. I didn’t know how to set a goal so low and believe it.
I think the trick to making it work this time lies more in the groundwork of training my brain to enjoy writing again than in the fact that my daily goal is ridiculously low. I believe I’m a writer, because I prove it to myself every day. Every success I hit reinforces the idea that I’m a writer. It’s an extra ward against imposter syndrome.
Knowing that I can still come up with a few lines of dialogue on the Really Bad Days—days when I struggle to brush my teeth, the day when I had a panic attack in the supermarket, or the day my kid got hit by a car—teaches me that I can write on the mere Bad-ish Days.
The more I do it, the more I do it
The irony is that setting a ridiculously low goal almost immediately led to writing more and more often. The most difficult step is to start a new habit. After just a few weeks, I noticed that I needed less time and energy to get into the zone. I no longer needed all the strategies I listed above.
Another perk I noticed, was an increased writing speed. After just a few months of writing every day, my average speed went from 600 words per hour to 1,500 wph, regularly exceeding 2,000 wph without any loss of quality.
Talking about quality: I could see myself becoming a better writer with every passing month. Writing better dialogue, interiority, chemistry, humour, descriptions, whatever: they all improved noticeably, and I wasn’t a bad writer to begin with.
The increased speed means I get more done with the same amount of energy spent. I used to write around 2,000-5,000 words per month, some months none at all. Nowadays I effortlessly write 30,000 words per month. I didn’t set out to write more, it’s just a nice perk.
Look, I’m not saying you should write every day if it doesn’t work for you. My point is: the more often you write, the easier it will be.
No pressure
Yes, I’m still working on my novel, but I’m not racing through it. I produce two or three chapters per month, and the rest of my time goes to short stories my brain keeps projecting on the inside of my eyelids when I’m trying to sleep. I might as well write them down, right?
These short stories started out as self-indulgence, and even now that I take them more seriously, they are still just for me. I don’t intend to ever publish them, no-one will ever read them, they can suck if they suck. The unintended consequence was that my short stories are some of my best writing, because there’s no pressure, it’s pure fun.
Does it make sense to spend, say, 90% of my output on stories no-one else will ever read? Wouldn’t it be better to spend all that creative energy and time on my novel? Well, yes. If you find the magic trick, let me know, because I haven’t found it yet. The short stories don’t cannibalize on the novel, because they require different mindsets. If I stopped writing the short stories, I wouldn’t produce more chapters. (I tried. Maybe in the future? Fingers crossed.)
Don’t wait for inspiration to hit
There’s a quote by Picasso: “Inspiration hits, but it has to find you working.” I strongly agree. Writing is not some mystical, muse-y gift, it’s a skill and inspiration does exist, but usually it’s brought on by doing the work. So just get started and inspiration will come to you.
Accountability and community
Having social factors in your toolbox is invaluable. I have an offline writing friend I take long walks with, I host a monthly writing club on Discord, and I have another group on Discord that holds me accountable every day. They all motivate me in different ways and it’s such a nice thing to share my successes with people who truly understand how hard it can be.
The productivity books taught me that if you want to make a big change in your life or attitude, surrounding yourself with people who already embody your ideal or your goal huuuugely helps. The fact that I have these productive people around me who also prioritize writing, makes it easier for me to stick to my own priorities.
Your toolbox
The idea is to have several techniques at your disposal to help you stay consistent. Don’t put all your eggs in one basket by focussing on just one technique. Keep all of them close, and if one stops working or doesn’t inspire you today, pivot and pick another one.
After a while, most “tools” run in the background once they are established. Things like surrounding myself with my writing friends, keeping up with my daily streak, and listening to the album I conditioned myself with don’t require any energy, and they still remain hugely beneficial.
Do you have any other techniques? I’d love to hear about them!
I hope this was useful. Happy writing!
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neuvistar · 6 months
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Biker! Dan heng, Sunday and aventurine?
Sfw and NSFW
Like I'm brain dead for them
DREAM RIDE. biker! honkai star rail men part one
— featuring ┊aventurine, sunday, (il) dan heng x fem!reader (all separate)
— warnings / content warnings ┊all consensual! sfw + nsfw, feminine terms used (she, girl, etc), cunniligus (aventurine #1 pussy eater strikes again), orgasm denial (sunday), jus a tad bit of subby dan heng, semi-public s3x? (sunday), blowjob (dan heng), use of vibrators (sunday), riding (dan heng) use of nicknames, multiple orgasms, bath s3x (aventurine), sunday is a MENACE here, reader implied 2 be a lil smaller than them, v4ginal fingering (aventurine), more tba! | 18+ MINORS DO NOT INTERACT.
— a/n ┊NOT PROOFREAD ! might correct tmr if i’m not sleepy! <3 anyways hi guys writers block stopped biting my ass anyways guys i’m SOOO attracted 2 aventurine it’s acc insane he needs to be jailed from how majestic he is.. erm! whoever keeps sending asks abt biker! hsr men god bless u and ur entire family | reblogs r appreciated
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⊹ 𝐀𝐕𝐄𝐍𝐓𝐔𝐑𝐈𝐍𝐄
sfw.
⊹ BIKER!AVENTURINE who would take you out for late night rides! he’s a total drama queen, let’s get that out of the way. he loves you, yes, but he’d get so pouty whenever you turn him down for your daily night rides with him, he sulks and sulks.. clinging onto your figure until you finally say yes! jokes aside, aventurine really does enjoy your company, he really does value quality time as he would go as far to even take you out to see the stars, feel the breeze and have some fresh air, or just have a midnight snack!
“come on, baby.. 2am is nothing! just come and ride with me for a bit, i promise i’ll have you back til 3?”
⊹ BIKER!AVENTURINE who always finds himself buying you gifts before visiting you and such! sometimes he’d just be riding around on the road and all of the sudden his hands are full of bags and gifts just for you before he gets to your place! he’s a huge gift giver, spoiling you to the brim.
“would [name] like this one.. no no, maybe this one. hm.. maybe both.”
⊹ BIKER!AVENTURINE who can be insecure at times, sometimes he thinks about whether he’s truly right for you or not. like, usually he wouldn’t give in to these thoughts but there are times where he’s just riding around at night n he suddenly stops n goes.. “what if [name] is bored of me?” even though he might not show it, poor thing needs A LOT and i mean A LOT of reassurance from you, please tell him he’s good enough for you!
“my darling.. are you sure i’m right for you? i mean, you know. i’ve just been.. thinking. you’re not gonna leave, are you.. hm? ‘gonna stay with me, right?”
nsfw.
⊹ BIKER!AVENTURINE absolutely loves having sex while you both take bubble baths, i mean.. it’s essential to have good hygiene, isn’t it? aventurine pumped his fingers within your pussy, circling his thumb over your clit as he licked his lips, nuzzling close against your neck. “mmh.. you like that?” his voice, husky and low as his fingers reached the deepest parts of your cunt, a sharp gasp caught in your throat as he held you firmly against him. watching you struggle to stifle your moans made him feel a combination of pride and surprise. aventurine gripped your waist lightly, offering support and reassurance. "damn, sweetheart.. are my fingers that good?" he murmured, his voice low and steady.
aventurine growled softly, pleasure coursing through him at your reaction. his fingers deeply thrusted in and out of you, feeling your tight walls spasm around his digits. with a lick of his lips, he added another finger within your drenched pussy.. the sound of water splashing against his fingers, his speed rising more and more.. stretching you delicately. "missed this," he groaned, adding more speed to his rhythm. "missed the way your body responds to me, my darling girl..” his eyes locked onto yours, seeing the desire mirrored back at him. he wanted to make you cum, that was his goal for the night.. to hear you scream his name again. the roughness of his fingers grew, the sounds of water splashing against his hand was enough to embarrass you, aeons.. he was going fast alright. “c’mon, sweetheart.. it’s been ages since i made you squirt. mmh.. these fingers are good enough to make you squirt, right?”
⊹ BIKER!AVENTURINE who would eat you out almost all the time, whether it’s on his motorcycle seat while he holds your body, or maybe his table filled with tools, or just a plain old bed. aventurine is willing to eat you out literally anywhere, his tongue piercing made it even better. aventurine savoured every second of this, allowing his senses to be consumed by your intoxicating flavour. your body trembled above him, carefully laid on the seat of his motorcycle as he chuckled against your pussy.. your hands buried in his hair as he delved deeper into your depths. the blonde’s tongue danced expertly, exploring every hidden crevice while his fingers played with your swollen bud. “you taste divine," he murmured against your sex, causing you to arch your back sharply. "just like the finest wine, only better." his words hung heavy in the air between them, fuelling your rising passion.
aventurine attacked your cunt hungrily, devouring your folds with complete vigor. aeons, he was obsessed with your pussy, and your taste. the way your wetness spilled out onto his tongue, mixing with the warm atmosphere surrounding the both of you drove him crazy. his large hands held you firmly against the seat of his motorcycle, hands roamed freely over your body, tweaking one of your nipples roughly while diving deeper inside your drenched pussy. your boyfriend groaned into your folds, feeling your walls tremble around him. “good darling.. such a good girl taking my tongue so well.” “.. ‘turine.. you’re gonna make me fall on here.. j—just eat me out on the desk..” you murmured, wincing when you felt a slap on your pussy. “whoops, sorry angel,” ugh.. this tease. “mm.. no-can-do, sweetheart. i like seeing you like this. just imagine, my cum leaking out of your pussy and right onto my bike.” he licked a single stripe on your cunt, chuckling when he noticed your legs quivering. “oh how fascinating would that be.”
⊹ 𝐒𝐔𝐍𝐃𝐀𝐘
sfw.
⊹ BIKER!SUNDAY who has a habit of grabbing onto your waist, or just snaking his arm around it! i mean, he does this for many reasons.. one, to show you’re taken, and two, mm.. he just feels like it! sunday would do it on random occasions, whether he’s talking with his biker friends, at the cashier, anywhere! he loves grabbing your waist and he makes that very clear, maybe if he’s in the mood.. he’d slide his hand beneath your shirt as well wink wink
sunday glanced at your form, a small smile forming on his face when he saw you examining your surroundings. he snaked an arm around your waist, pulling your body firmly against his.
⊹ BIKER!SUNDAY who’s jealousy is intense. sunday would get angry at you, give you the silent treatment, or just bluntly ignore you if you were found talking and laughing with another guy other than him. he refuses to believe that you can be happy with other guys other than him. he would glare at other people he catches staring at what’s his, he was.. possessive. and whenever you catch sight of it, he would try and manipulate you to thinking he’s doing it for your own good! because all those men that were staring at you were bad! (wow, he’s a bastard) saying this, he’s a huge manipulator.. it can be a handful dating him.
“trust me, my love. can’t you see how those men were staring at you?” his voice was soft, dangerously soft. the malicious glint in his eyes didn’t hide anything. “they’re after you, angel. they’re after what’s mine. i’m only trying to protect you. why are you so doubtful of me, hm? do you not love me anymore? are you perhaps.. bored of me?”
⊹ BIKER!SUNDAY who loves being in control, this can be taken in a sexual or non sexual sense <3 sunday is assertive, and he knows what’s right for you. (most of the time!) he can be a bit controlling at times, but he means no harm! he just wants to keep you safe, promise! sometimes sunday would give you that look whenever you would try n defy him, he means business.. trust me. because of this, he can be cold and stubborn towards you at times without even knowing, geez.. he really needs to work on that.
nsfw.
⊹ BIKER!SUNDAY loves being in control, as i’ve mentioned.. but especially in bed. besides that, he’s so damn mean.. he doesn’t let you cum unless he tells you to, kissing your tears away with his lips. “ah ah ah, darling.. what did i say about cumming?” his eyes devoured your small frame, taking in every curve and angle of your body. sunday couldn't help but feel a surge of dominance and control over you, chuckling lowly. you was his, every fiber of your being was his, and he'd take care of you properly. his thrusts were hard to take in, his size and speed.. aeons. the way his cock slides in so easily had him biting his lip, he’s so mean and strict whenever you both make love, spanking you a few times whenever he sees you dozing off!
his eyes never left yours, even when he would immediately pull out when you were on the verge of orgasming, earning a sweet whine from your lips. “please.. please let me cum! sunday, baby please.. i can’t hold it anymore!” oh, how if only you knew how much he loves it when you beg. “oh baby.. i love it when you beg like that.” sunday groaned deeply from pleasure, landing another smack to your ass.. grinning at the sight of you swirling beneath him, “it only makes me wanna do this more.. it makes me wanna keep you here, stop you from cumming all over my cock. do you want that?” “n—no please.. please let me cum, sunday.. i need it—“ “keep begging, my angel. maybe i’ll let you cum if you keep begging and whining for me. come now, speak up.”
⊹ BIKER!SUNDAY who absolutely loves using vibrators on you whenever you both go out together, it’s amusing to him! (stupid bastard) he would increase it’s speed at random times to catch you off guard.. for his own amusement. listen, you really love your boyfriend but sometimes you just wanna slap that stupid smile off his face. you were casually picking out some candy in the candy aisle, a soft smile on your face before you felt that same old sensation within you.. causing a gasp to leave your pretty lips. “mm.. what are you looking at here, my love?” sunday murmured softly, chuckling at your vulnerable state. “sunday.. lower the speed please..” you begged, aeons! you were stupid to even think he’d decrease it’s speed!
your boyfriend smirked, the vibrator’s speed only grew more by the second as you could feel the wetness of your pussy seep through your panties, filling you with humiliation and embarrassment as you could barely walk, holding your hand over your mouth. “fuck.. sunday please..” you knew begging wasn’t gonna get you anywhere.. you knew you would have to have that stupid thing inside you for hours on end, overstimulating your pussy and entire body while your boyfriend watched and held you with pure amusement. to your bewilderment, there were times where sunday would go as far to fingering you by a nearby alleyway, his hands drenched in your juices. this man.. you wanted to be mad at him but you couldn’t bring yourself to be. sunday’s pretty fingers dug deep into your drenched pussy, knuckles deep while he had that same stupid sadistic smile on his face. “i should put that thing in you more.. look how wet your pussy is. it’s practically drooling for me, angel.”
⊹ 𝐈𝐋 𝐃𝐀𝐍 𝐇𝐄𝐍𝐆
sfw.
⊹ BIKER!DANHENG who is more of a private relationship typa guy, he prefers to keep his relationships private! despite this, he still shows his love for you in many other ways, it’s easy to say that some people are even surprised he was dating you, because of how reserved he is when it came to personal matters <3 he values his and yours’ privacy, you can trust me on that!
⊹ BIKER!DANHENG who struggles putting on his helmet because of his horns (lol), you find it really cute! whenever he leaves your house, sometimes he takes 10 minutes trying to figure out how to wear a helmet because of his horns. he found this so annoying to the point he probably had a custom helmet made for him and his horns!
you nearly let out a giggle when you gazed at him, struggling to wear his helmet over his head. dan heng’s tail swished against his leg, glancing up at you with a slight frown. “[name], it’s not funny.”
⊹ BIKER!DANHENG who would teach you how to ride a motorcycle so you and him can ride around together, i mean.. you can’t blame him! he doesn’t show it much, but he really does hope to spend more time with you, and he thinks this is effective and efficient! dan heng would guide you through it slowly, keeping his hands on your waist while he helped your practice with the brakes and all you needed to know! to be honest, this was really just an excuse to touch you, but can you blame him? his large hands would brush against your hips, helping you adjust and sit properly, it’s a good thing these things take awhile to learn!
“mhm, i got you.” his thumb rubbed circles on your hips, humming. “you’re a fast learner, [name]. you never fail to surprise me.”
nsfw.
⊹ BIKER!DANHENG who just loves having your pretty mouth wrapped around his cock after an exhausting day of biking all day and night. soft gasps and whimpers left his lips as he showed a completely different side of him that night, full of pure desperation and need. “am i.. doing this right?” your voice was muffled against his dick, sending vibrations to his nerves as his hand was carefully placed atop of your head, body aching for release. “yes.. keep sucking me off like that..” with a grunt, he closed his eyes briefly while savouring the warmth of your tongue tracing circles around the sensitive slit.
"more please, baby..“ dan heng begged, arching his back slightly as your warm, wet tongue caressed the head of his cock, teasing him mercilessly before sliding down its veiny shaft. the sensation was foreign yet familiar, sending waves of pleasure coursing through his body. unable to resist any longer, he reached down, gripping your hair tightly as he thrusts his hips upward, pushing deeper into your waiting mouth.his breathing became heavier, the sound of each labored gasp echoing in the otherwise silent room, punctuated by the sloppy sounds of your mouth working him over. your tongue swirls around the base of his cock, teasing the sensitive area underneath his balls before returning to suck and stroke him feverishly. “you’re so good to me.. s.. so good to me..”
⊹ BIKER!DANHENG who would let you ride him just like how he lets you ride his motorcycles! he just wants to put your pleasure first, really. dan heng’s mind raced as he watched you ride him. he was going to lose it, he knew it very well. the sight of you bouncing on his cock, your pussy coating his cock with pure white juices, the sound of your gasps, and the feeling of your breasts against his chest created a whirlwind of emotions. he watched you struggle to stifle your moans while gripping your waist lightly, offering support and reassurance. "you’re doing great, love. fuck.. take your time and do what feels good," he encouraged, his voice low and steady.
he hoped his presence provided comfort, guiding his precious girlfriend to enjoy the sensations without feeling pressure to perform. their bodies moved in harmony together, lust fuelled by the thrill of victory as dan heng’s breaths grew ragged. his face flushed at the sight of your breasts bouncing, biting his lip at how overwhelming this was.. the sound of skin slapping against each other was all that came through, their moans punctuated the intensity of their shared moment. your hands grabbed everywhere.. his biceps, his chest, and oh.. even his horns. he was absolutely losing it. “sh—shit.. use my cock, use my cock for your own pleasure, beloved.. you’re doing so well..”
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@ NEUVISTAR. do not plagiarize, claim my work as your own, translate or share my posts on any platform outside of tumblr.
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togament · 3 months
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suo. sakura. umemiya. togame. pt. 1
"...and the biggest fattest one too. How'd it take him so long to figure it out? What did it take for him to finally realize?"
𝐈𝐍𝐆𝐑𝐄𝐃𝐈𝐄𝐍𝐓𝐒: FLUFF FLUFF FLUFF, general cute stuff really. There isn't much to warn about :o!!! gn!reader, Togame is tall and awkward and cute and and--, Ume's precious as always!
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𝐒𝐔𝐎.
✦ when he’s doting on you way more, putting your wants over everything else.
He's attending to your every need even before you realize you even need it in the first place. Need tissues? He's already pulling them out of his bag. Got a migraine? He's already handing you a water bottle and an ibuprofen. He does it so naturally too like it's second nature to him.
✦ when he uncharacteristically gets heated when someone tries to harm you.
Listen. He's usually so, SO calm even in the most intense situations, always ready to analyze before acting--a real brain over heart typa guy. But when he finds you being cornered at an alleyway? He's sprinting towards you to beat whoever's planning on hurting you without even thinking twice. Someone's bothering you in town? He's shadowing you, protecting and keeping watch.
✦ he catches himself being flustered, blushing and folding at the sight of you.
Suo rarely shows any intense emotions. If anything, it's always just a slight smile and a little teasing remark here and there. But around you though? He's smiling widely, cheeks blushing. It's hard to hide sometimes. Goodness. He needs to keep himself in check, he often thinks. He doesn't want you to find out yet. Not yet.
────────────────────────────────────────────
𝐔𝐌𝐄𝐌𝐈𝐘𝐀.
✦ when he looks for you FIRST whenever he achieves something, whenever he's having a bad day--for literally EVERYTHING.
his immediate thought is you. Every time. When he sees the hybrid tomato plant you both grew from seed blooming, he's immediately sending you photos. When he's having one of those nights, tossing and turning in his sleep, thoughts keeping him awake, the only thing that's tethering him down to earth is you.
✦ when he sees you get along with the family that he built for himself.
Ume is never subtle when it comes to this. My god. He's blushing, tripping over his words, movements ever so stiff--it's very unusual to see Ume in this state. He's just so happy to see you interacting with everybody, loving each member as much as he does. He can't just swoop you off your feet and kiss you right? Not right now. Not when he's been silently pining for you for years.
✦ when he realizes his thoughts about his future always has you in it.
He often talks about his future with others, what his plans are after he graduates, where he wants to go, what restaurants to go to. Everyone notices how his thoughts always seem to gravitate towards you, always easing you into his plans with a pensive little, "Hm. Y'think they'd like to go here too? I heard them talking about the spot a couple times!", "Maaaan I wanna go here with them soon. Should I just book the tickets? Surprise them? Yeah I think I should!" Everyone's just waiting for a confession at this point, really.
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𝐒𝐀𝐊𝐔𝐑𝐀.
✦ when random things remind him of you.
he could be on their daily patrols, passing by some shops and his mind would drift off to you and how you would look in the shirt he passed by, how your face would probably light up at the taste of the anpan they're selling down the street. Goodness you never leave his mind. Day dreams about it sometimes. Suo and Nirei has caught him multiple times doing so. Always ends with an extremely flustered Sakura.
✦ when he thinks he hears your laughter or your voice, his head snaps towards the direction of the sound.
just like the above! But it's your voice. Nirei thinks Sakura's just on guard by how often he looks around quickly but Suo points out Sakura's reddening cheeks and they immediately know he's thinking about you again. Wants to fish his phone out of his pocket with trembling (and blushing) fingers to ask you where you are. Y'know... Just in case you run into trouble.
✦ when he gave you the other half of his food (he hasn't taken a single bite yet)
Sakura sometimes eats for at least 5 people so to have him offer half of his food to you when you're out eating is saying something. His hands are blushing and trembling as he's trying his best to steady them, slicing a portion of his food to place it on your plate. Of course, you give him the other half of your food too. Of course he's a blushing mess.
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𝐓𝐎𝐆𝐀𝐌𝐄.
✦ finds every excuse possible to be close to you. (Subtly.)
Ever noticed how Togame always seems to bump into you at spots you and your friends frequent? How he so happened to pass by the Furin school after your classes are dismissed? Gosh you're his first real crush so he doesn't know what to do with all these feelings. He wants to see you and see you often. He awkwardly and adorably tries his damndest not to seem too obvious when he's trying to see you more to strike up a conversation but his blushing (and tall frame) doesn't help his case.
✦ when he always talks about you to the old men at the public baths he frequents.
Togame's a quiet guy. He rarely ever yaps, always getting cut off mid-sentence since he talks so.. SO slow. But when it's about you, his normal 0.75x speaking speed goes up to a full 1.0x or even, dare I say, 1.25x. He's smiling ear to ear, voice with an uncharacteristic shine to it while he's playing shogi with one of the old men. They already adore you before they even meet you. They often give Togame advice too--bring you your favorite flowers, they suggest. Take you out for a festival date, they suggest. "Soon," Togame responds, scratching the back of his neck, "M'nervous though. I can pull it off ri--" "Of course you can, kame-kun." he looks at the old men with the softest, most lovestruck eyes they've ever seen. Soon. He'll make his very first move.
✦ has caught himself staring at you from afar, smiling to himself like a damn lovesick puppy.
...on multiple ocassions, might I add. You could be yapping away with the Bofurin members, talking animatedly about the most mundane things, arms flinging to and fro to get your point across, snort laughing and head thrown back. Togame's just sat just outside the group, ever the introvert. Face propped on his hand, heart practically melting. He doesn't realize he's doing this before Choji points it out. Loudly. He's immediately looking in the other direction, blush creeping up his neck as he struggles to keep the smaller Shishitoren member in check. While he's preoccupied, it's your turn to stare back at him, hiding a blush behind your hand. Suo notices this and points it out. Now the both of you are flustered messes.
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a/n: tried my hand at a new layout!! eeeee inspired by my favorite perfume house but we're not opening that can of worms right now, lest I yap. ANYWHOSIES thank you, dear reader, for getting this far. I am smooching your forehead tenderly with consent.
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