#sometimes i just wanna off myself
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TW! SUICIDAL TALK!!!
do you guys ever just think about killing yourselves? like every now and then it will just pop into your head and you'll think about it for the next 15 minutes - hey, i could just kill myself.
and it's not a serious thought because you would never actually kill yourself, you know you're at no risk of actually committing, but every now and then it's just a thought.
but you can't tell your therapist because she would tell your mum and you can't tell your friend because they would panic and worry for you so you just keep it to yourself.
do you ever feel a self-hatred so deep and so profound that you just think you should die? you'll spend hours picking out everything you don't like about yourself and it can get triggered by something so minuscule but the self-loathing is so deep it makes you nauseous from just how profoundly you hate yourself?
do you ever idealise suicide, knowing you'll never actually do it?
i wish i had meds, i wish i was more sick so i would be able to do something about it. because being so averagely ill is tiring because i can't do anything about it. i can't get any meds, help is simply "run your hands in water or exercise when you're anxious" and it's all useless.
do you ever feel so helpless you just want to cry? you hate yourself and everything about you so much and you know there's no fixing you that you just want to bawl your eyes out because how can this be who i am??
#don't engage if this is triggering#im fine i swear#sometimes i just wanna off myself#self hatred slay#self hatred tw#tw sui ideation#tw self destruction#tw mental health#hot girls have anxiety#shit post#digital diary#girl blogger#girlblog#personal blog#this is a girlblog
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cant stop thinkin bout charles and erik readin together on the couch but instead of reading with him charles is listening to eriks thoughts while he reads. Live mind commentary ……..
#xmen#cherik#charles xavier#erik lehnsherr#snap chats#the rare time i post an idea of mine only because i really cant think of a way id draw this#usually i hoard my ideas cause i like surprising you guys but this aint really one i feel like drawing so. For You my friends#like i COULD but. idk just isnt particularly something im itching to draw it just seems cute#but anyways no chat let me cook alright hear me out cause i talk in my brain all the time while i read#sometimes i stop reading just to think about a bit i read yeah#i want charles to listen in on all of eriks side comments or observations he makes while reading something#like if he wanted to charles could read the whole book in less than five minutes- maybe shorter than that#and that aint fun that aint cool …. so time for Audible: Husband Edition. With Commentary#ITD BE SO COZY just hangin out by the fireplace …. maybe its snowin outisde … if snow even exists anymore atp#a light fire cracklin and the study SEEMS totally quiet otherwise and yet…..#charles has been locked in to erik’s off-the-cuff literary analysis and mild comments for the past twenty minutes. its simple but its bliss#charles doesnt have to worry about being seen as invasive .. he doesnt have to suppress his powers …#the rare occasion erik lets charles into his mind for somethin so innocent .. ive made myself sick i fear#see now i wanna try writing a fic but 1.) have written in years 2.) id have to really think hard on how erik would commentate on a book#hm…… actually i do wonder what erik’s commentary on The Fable of the Bees would be …..#IN ANY CASE. maybe - at the very least- i can draw cherik by the fireplce someday ….#thatd be cute … hm …. depends on if i get in the mood for it down the line#anyways i have to drive back to my dorm !!! boo !!!! so good night everyone !!!!!
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learning abt friendship decay and "not reaching out to your friends for months at a time unprompted is not neurotypical behaviour" has me feeling a certain way
#experiencing some BIG FEELINGS OVER THIS REVELATION#listen i have never ever been bothered abt not seeing someone in a while or making time to talk to them bc in my mind its like not thst muc#time has passed. i mean it with every fibre of my being that when im like 'oh its ok even though we havent talked in a while and have our#own things going on it doesnt mean we're not friends anymore since we left things on a good note 8 months ago' i sincerely believe that#and for the longest time i just thought everybody makes peace with it at some point and not automatically assuming the other person doesnt#wanna talk to me anymore or smth. my longest lasting friendships are with ppl who work the same way i just thouhght that was normal#whatever organ everybody has that makes them reach out to their friends and plan hang outs i probably dont have it#i was already hesitant to ask out Alex bc i spend almost every waking hour doing smth that isnt talking to ppl unless they happen to be in#the vicinity. and at first it was bc i planned on making sure i had everything set up so i dont get stressed out and do it one at a time#but then i find out theres a friendship decay mechanic? and after dating and marrying someone you lose -10 friendship points for every#day u dont talk to them?? actually ive probably been losing friendship points this whole time without knowing bc of this?????#and i notice a lot of my own habits are also reflected in how i play bc ive been avoiding getting close to pierre and marnie since its more#of a professional relationship. like i know theyre npcs but im approaching it the way i would in real life its fucking nuts#i think its a little relieving im playing /as/ a character than myself bc as im playing im just making up little interactions in my head#than approaching things the way i would myself so it takes a bit of the stress off trying to put myself in there as a spectator. but well#being in a relationship demands a certain amount of energy even more so when theyre things that already take up energy on its own#like making time to talk to your partner and make sure they know theyre loved. i dont always have energy to put all my mental focus into it#and this is true for real life so im not really bothered by not dating anyone. but when its a game and i want my character to be with someo#and i know its fully optional and i know i could just apply the same logic to this i dont /want/ to. sometimes i want to experience#the same things other people do at least to a certain degree without the same emotional andmental stakes#no offense krobus#yapping#stardew#stardew valley#puppy plays sdv#sdv#this game has me by the ankles man
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“Arthur can totally dress himself he’s just spoiled” why are you giving him that much credit
#no but seriously#this bitch has every symptom#being able to consistently dress independently would genuinely be a miricle at this point#he has constant meltdowns easily manipulated anger issues#admits that Merlin is his ONE AND ONLY FREIND#so that’s definitely a social deficit if I’ve ever seen one#he’s dumb as a tone of bricks and I can say that bc I am also#and noble insest WAS THE NORM.#you wanna know why king George lost amercia?#HIS BRAIN WAS FUCKED UP. HIS GENES WERE FUXKED UP#but like#anyways#key word constantly dressings himself#bc every disabled person will tell you that abilities are such a spectrum#back when I couldn’t dress myself it fluxuated wether I could or couldn’t and to what degree until i eventually couldn’t do it at all#also arthur can technically do it#but rare times and even when he does it’s shit#sometimes doing a task is technically possible but it takes 25 years off your life#bc of stress and just. god it’s so complicated and overwhelming#and even if you DO it it’s not even worth it#bc it’s shit#I will die on this hill btw#from my own little galaxy world#merlin#bbc merlin#merlin bbc
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...
#Didn't want to add kink discourse to a random stranger's post But#The way so many soft feedists have overused the word 'wholesome' to describe that flavour of feedism has made it a total turn-off to me#Even a red flag#Bc it's always used on posts deliberately trying to make feedism seem more palatable and harmless#And to distance themselves from CNC/health play/fatphobia play feedism#And to be like 'haha normies think we're evil but we're really such uwu cutie-pies'#😒 sorry but first of all I wanna be a grown adult into feedism - like you do you but sometimes it's treated as if#soft feedism IS baby talk feedism and that that's the default? Like that there's death feedism or there's tumby feedism and that's it#And on the other hand it screams moralizing kink and makes it easier to excuse your own and others' bad behavior#Because I'm just a harmless little soft feedist who cares about fat people not like one of those unenlightened dark feedists#Where someone's potential for causing discomfort or contributing to abusive dynamics is reduced to fixed attributes or aesthetics#rather than to someone's (or your own) actual actions#I know I've talked about this before and I know I'm a soft feedist at heart myself AND I know I'm being hyperbolic#But whenever several 'wholesome' posts start circulating around my dash ad nauseum like they have the past few days 😒😒😒#I just try to grit my teeth but I need to let the hater rattle the bars of its cage about it once in a while...#Obligatory 'this is not directed at anyone- I've seen a few lately and it's more about patterns of behavior than individual posts'
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Do you ever say something wrong and then just want to walk into the ocean and never be found again or something
#sophie speaks#i have CHRONIC foot in mouth disorder#man i just wanna disappear so bad sometimes#sometimes i do just turn into a cryptid honestly like if i have something upsetting happen#and theres no medication to make sure i cant hit myself or start ticcing in public#i will just run straight off and then do it there lol#really i just wish people would just let a girl punch herself sometimes like come on#its not that bad im in pain all the time and this stuff in comparison never ever hurts#ugh#first world problems lmfao#you know my lunch is waiting for me and id really love to eat it but alas#i simply am a coward
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also "textless" versions of these, wahooo
#corned beef#joe iconis christmas extravaganza#bsol#speaking of >:3 & >:3 third time's the >:3 in successfully slammed both up against the window of joe iconis's car (twitter @'d & Seen)#which is really just a :3 but whom among us (orchestra hit) is not a little impish with it#first year i did fanart like wouldn't it be fun if joe saw & liked this. second yr like Same plus it did happen last time#then also recency Fun Times bias sure but he did make it a frame in his End Of Year Good Times Celebration video like >:'3#yes i draw exactly what i wanna draw b/c it's some specific thing i enjoy that much so Yep that is the xmas show to me#so powerfully i was moved like ooh fun xmas villain wrole?? in '19 when i was paying attention & relieved of some bmc closure malaise#by the xmas show but obv Least aware / knowledgable lol. technically showed up in '18 around nov/dec but no chance Right then of tuning in#i mean i had the capacity but did not know it existed / even Less helpful preexisting context. anyway so by the time the show returns#& i've done research in between & gone my god i am i live laugh loving like Yeah i'll do more fanart & omg cyril & omg krampusfucking#able to ramp it up this year & like just thanks to Drawing Experience i'm better at forging ahead through thee process even when it's#extra ambitious like my god am i in over my head? well keep swimming for the surface like only several times going [aaa....] only to yknow#not be that tripped up anyway but still go [(celebrate) christmas!!! (with me)] & be like Do It For The Krampusfucking Gift#one post for another like lighting up my life joe just coming out like ''who wants clips. first up Full Cyril Fucks The Krampus number''#like jeez made that happen And passed it along....it's always the like epitome of my art like i make the specific often really niche stuff#i really respond to; does anyone else enjoy this? if yes; Wheeee; sometimes this is also ppl Behind the really niche shit i enjoy#like i truly hope you do get that kick out of it as i slam it up to the window; worth a Highlight Of Your Year or not#the power of [i do like to Draw the things i latch on to] + [internet] for you#really the bsol design even More an event in ''how did i even do this'' b/c even when planning to make it slightly easier like well#fewer figures; i'll use ink pen so i hone the lineart less than i would to precisely get [line weight mostly irrelevant] Line Geometry#yet still going ruh oh i'm honing for sure. but then like did Most of the lineart all in one night + all the coloring the next round#when i draw quite slowly / the Honing is virtually always an inextricable part of my process like i do Nothing in less than Hours#like i think even my freewheeling bsol sketches posted just this morning took me at Least an hour; judging by vids i played in the bg lol#not quite calibrated to have Attuned Confidence In My Ability To Forge Ahead thusly like oh no if i don't have Momentum or it doesn't#happen to be one of those times things just spontaneously come out great right off without more honing / consideration we're fucked....#not actually the case but yknow still realizing this lol But still able to just pat myself on the shoulder like It's Manageable & it is/was
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Men who view women as their intellectual equals 😍
#pro tip for the boys: a lot of girls will respond a lot better to a stimulating conversation than to a guy trying to show off#ignore the movies they're lying to you when they tell you you need to be a show off#and if a girl wants that it's maybe not the best sign y'know?#but most girls just want to be treated like we're capable intelligent humans#that's all!! the movies and shit make it way more complicated than it has to be#and yes some girls do make things awkward and complicate everything#but maybe you wanna be careful about that because those girls generally have a lot to unpack#being friends with those girls is fine!! just make sure you have strong boundaries in place#and make sure she's doing some work on herself before considering a romantic relationship#but anyway i've had a lot of men in my life that i feel like wanted to be so much smarter than me#and not to be rude but they weren't?? i was just as smart and sometimes smarter#i didn't care that they were confident in their intelligence but i felt like i needed to dumb myself down#and it. freaking. sucked. i have no idea how i did it for so long#and i would even make jokes about like the guys i dated being smarter than me and nobody ever said anything??#and again these guys weren't smarter than me. that's not an insult to them just acknowledging i'm smarter than i was gave myself credit for#i'm outgrowing the notion that i have to dumb myself down for men and it's so freeing#and you know what really helps me actually? being in college#and especially being in college with so many intelligent men who know they're smart#these guys KNOW they're smart. and not in an arrogant way in a secure and confident way#them knowing they're smart makes them the OPPOSITE of arrogant actually#it's weird but i stand by my observation and it makes sense when you think about it#if you're secure in yourself and your intelligence you don't need to proce yourself by making other people look dumb#these guys are secure in their self-image and masculinity. they don't need women to be dumb and weak to feel strong and intelligent.#and it's so freaking endearing. i love that for these guys so much.#i am just so thankful for people in my life who are taking me seriously and who are helping me to understand i'm worth taking seriously.#wow these tags are long but anyway#guys you don't have to prove anything girls you should never have to dumb yourselves down live long and prosper
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Call me a pick-me or whatever but in this modern age of "2020s pop feminism that merged with capitalism and created some chimera of female empowerment that bases your value as a woman on the amount of self-care products you own" I tend to feel more objectified by other women than I do by men.
Like my guy friends don't comment on my body in a way that makes me feel uncomfortable. But a select few of my girl friends will not stop with the "you would look so pretty with some makeup on", or "stop cutting your hair so much, it looks so good when it's long!", or "you're so sexy we NEED to get you clothes that show off your body more!". Things that sound like compliments but are really just trying to get me to present a certain way. Because they see me being more masculine as a waste, as something to be pitied because I'm not living up to my full potential.
Like idk bestie maybe I'm a real person with her own way of expressing herself and not just some barbie doll you can dress up and scribble on however you like. Maybe I'd rather be comfortable in my own skin than be an object to stare at. Stop living vicariously through my body.
#agh. sometimes i wish i could go back to my nlog phase because at least i was true to myself back then#i just. i said i wanna cut my hair shorter and of course allll the same people who always tell me this started complaining#like dude why do you care. why do you care that i want to look like a hot butch. it's my body not yours. fuck off.
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which is sort of but not really tied into why i’m sort of ???? about the particular kind of fic writers that will write like. Exclusively niche stuff that they enjoy specifically (rarepairs, weirds AUs, specific kinks) and then get upset that they don’t get much interaction in comments or kudos. like, my guy, this is what we signed up for when we wrote the ship only three people know about. you can’t be upset that you’re not raking in hundreds of clicks when you specifically chose to do the unpopular thing you were interested in. it’s fine not to have a lot of attention, you gotta get used to it happening, even if you think you worked real hard on a fic and it deserves it.
#like you can promote the shit out of your fic and you can complain endlessly about no one reading it#but like. at a certain point you just gotta accept you have a limited audience. and move on.#and sometimes that audience? is going to be just you!!!!#idk man i write for goofs and gaffs in the tumblr askbox and for deranged thoughts i have at 2 am to appease myself#maybe it seems. rude? but i feel like at the end of the day you’re better off letting the obsession with interaction go#accepting that sometimes you won’t get any. because you’re not the center of the universe and people not interacting with your stuff doesn’t#mean they have an agenda against it. it just means you aren’t a mass market universally appealing marvel movie. you know?#u dont wanna be a marvel movie. u wanna be the guy who writes niche fetishes on ao3. you’ll be happier that way.
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Think I've finally mastered she's an angel on accordion I'm so happy
#meaning i can finally get through the whole song without going Wait fuck cos i pressed the wrong key#so . so . so many tmbg songs i want to learn but the problem with practicing accordion is i find it hard to justify it to myself time wise#because like practicing guitar working on songs practicing recording is all stuff i need to do to keep working towards my goals music wise#even practicing piano is like i can justify it to myself but i do not need to be learning to play accordion its truly self indulgent#which is Fine because All of this is self indulgent anyway i dont need to be doing anything#i just feel guilty continuing to put off working on songs ive been meaning to finish so i can go play them and like stuff like that#and theres no way im putting accordion in my own arrangements ever that would be way too on the nose so its really just .#so that i can sometimes play tmbg songs and go Omfg this is so fun. which is okay it IS fun#after all why not . why shouldnt i learn to play accordion on the side just because that guy from my favorite band plays accordion. really#i also figured out how to play the third processional from house of mayors and now i wanna practice it til i can play it up to speed but#that feels like such a useless endeavour but isnt that true of almost everything we do in life...so ill do it anyways for fun
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i dont know why i just remembered this but i think one of the funniest anon hate comments i got before i turned off anon was the person who was like "you have such good writing but your personality is so mean :/" like... ah yes, the person sending anon hate is going to preach to me about kindness dlkfalksjdflksd
#rimi talks#i turned off anon when i made that post abt racism in batfanon bc i was just like. nope preemptively dont wanna deal w that#but sometimes i do miss my anons there were some really sweet people there#but then there were the people like this one. dlkfjlaksdj#every time i think abt reenabling anon asks i stop myself but i Am thinking about it again
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What do I call these emotions? Are they wanted or unwanted?
#that white one at the corner is on purpose btw#i was doodling my new persona and then accidentally spent four hours making...this#hence the random girlie i kept cropped at the top#embracing my lovey dovey side is very scary and vulnerable and personal and sometimes even stupid and weird#but i think that's how it's suppose to feel#at first anyways#notice how i took off the “aro” part in all of my bios#while i suppose im somewhere on that spectrum i think it would be an insult to aros if i keep on longing for romance#i dont know if it's the label or the contents that unnerve me#lots to still ponder on that#maybe i can go back to labeling myself as cupioromantic?#i haven't a clue#maybe i can make something up#just to describe my own feelings#if anyone relates to me then that's fine#uhhh like and subscribe and send a little ask if you wanna know what im talking about or whatever#jadetheblade#jade post#lesbian#pride month#questioning#gay girl#tw bright colors#sidenote don't know if stealing the color pallet of the lesbian flag is wrong but i really like it on my sona!#it's cute ^_^#slowly but surely coming to draw the way i want to be represented
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Me holding on to the last threads of my asexual identity so I don't lose the one constant part of how I've identified for as long as I've known I'm queer
#like.. ok.#i don't think atp i can define myself as asexual anymore#and i know you're probably like. but Cian! You run a spicy blog! of course u aren't ace!!#But I need you tp understand that I've identified as asexual for nearly eight years at this point#was fully convinced of it. could never imagine myself in any intimate situations ever.#And a lot of it was for sure just general insecurity and being depressed throughout my teens#But even outside of that I didn't feel attraction!#I also thought i was aromantic for a while#i think some of it is my autism. and my emotions and feelings being foreign to me.#I also have adhd so I always brushed any crush I had off saying it was just a fixation#which sometimes they were#but then I got a crush on my current gf. and every identity I had tried on and swore by was questioned#we got together and i just. got horny?#like I'm someone who just in general madturbates a lot lol that's nothing new but actually being attracted to someone?#baffling to me!#and idk. i don't wanna leave behind the only concrete part of my identity#i switch my labels constantly#nonbinary. agender. genderqueer. transgender. ftm. genderfluid#lesbian. biromantic. panromantic. aromantic. grey aro. demiromantic#but asexual was my one constant. I swore by it.#and now that's... not correct.#I'm just kinda bummed i guess haha
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i'm sort of testing out spending a lil less time here :)
#live#i'm not cutting off completely#i just feel like!!!#i've been focusing more on the real lately!!!#and it's been really really good for me :)#this blog and community has been sooo helpful for me#it has helped me grow more than i ever thought it would#and sometimes i feel like i've grown so much#that i've almost outgrown it#like a plant outgrowing its pot#and i don't wanna force myself to stay here if it's going to get to a place where it actually starts hindering that growth#so i'm testing out maybe taking a step back :)#i'll still be on tumblr though esp on my main#and i'll still slowly but surely responding to dms and stuff#just letting you know!!!#:)
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I mean this in the nicest way possible: I wish I was a better friend.
#delete later#I know I’m not a good friend#but i think it’s trauma related#and I know that’s not an excuse#but a reason#and I’m just… also tired of people leaving me#I don’t strike up conversations anymore cause I was the friend who always did so#I was always the one making the effort to be in other peoples lives#and it sucks. ya know.#and sometimes I say dumb things that then like….. makes people not want to be around me I fear#and like…. yeah…. that’s part of life#but I’m just so tired of being alone#I want friends. I want people to send post cards and letters too#and I wanna hang out with people#and I want them to tell me things I want them to tell me how they are feeling#like. online friends are great!!#don’t get me wrong!!#but I know I’m not a great online friend either.#and when I try to be I fear I come off as flirting. like sometimes I am. don’t get me wrong#but I wish I could just… go to a friends house and sit with them and hold their hand when they are having a bad day and have the same done#for me!!!#I am always giving…. I am always giving parts of myself to people who don’t give themselves back#I still know my ex-best friends favorite color but I doubt she knows what mine was when we where friends#if you read this far just…. ignore it oof.#it’s just a rant#sometimes I rant in a tumblr post cause reading rants back in old journals is. bad. for my mental health#my adhd just picks the emotions right back up and then I go through it again. so it’s best to tumblr rant#I’ve also been having complicated gender emotions again#I don’t hate the idea of being a woman/girl as much as I used to. and it’s throwing me off a bit#I mean it’s right on time really… I have a gender crisis almost every four years…
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