#something they feel they can use to contribute more directly when things happen

[avataroftheswarm]

Zazie is tired. They didn't think they could be, not like this, not like humans can get. All heavy and weighed down and dragging even after the swarm was able to rest. It's not a physical kind of tired or they'd be able to let the Worms of their swarm sleep and be fine afterward.

It's a mental fatigue, an emotional heaviness that makes their feet drag as they walk.

Getting everyone out of July had been easy, the work of a moment's coordination with the Hive. Everyone who'd followed the Worms was swallowed by the sandworms and rushed away away away. It hadn't all gone smoothly, too many people with too much baggage between them and too much stress humming between them all. But they'd gotten out, saved people they cared about.

Vash was still missing. Their Vash, the one who'd been the target and catalyst. None of the other Vashes seemed surprised or as concerned as they would be if he'd died in the explosion so... He must be alright.

They don't go looking. Not yet. They don't know if they can stand the sight of a red coat again so soon.

Everyone else they keep an eye on, flitting between loved ones and friends to make sure no one got into more trouble in the immediate aftermath.

Gato is distant and cold and that hurts. Punk is terrifying and that hurts too. Audrey is out cold and has been for long enough to scare them but Rook says she's okay, just recovering. That's their fault, in a manner of speaking, but there was no choice but to grab her and run, despite the damage. Rook and Rayen are safe for now.

They did nearly nothing but watch, the whole time things were happening. They hid and watched Punk be torn apart, Legato hurt himself while they couldn't help him, they contributed nothing but bearing witness to the horrors. The one person who might understand the helplessness of simply watching is in a coma and everyone else is off licking their wounds.

Zazie flies their swarm away, to hidden places underneath the desert, through the Worm tunnels, to their original hatching grounds. They won't be small and helpless next time. They'll build themself a new form to shift into, a new configuration that won't just be a child's body to be protected. The Hive settles around the planet in a watchful doze as Zazie lets go of their humanoid form, focused on growth and change of their own. Bigger, denser, more capable.

They'll keep the small form, at least for now. They like it, after all. But they clearly need to be more if they won't always have the immediate support of the Hive.

It's time for a metamorphosis.

[emmcfrxst]

Imagine being a teacher at the X mansion and every students tease both you and Logan because they can tell something is going between the two of you to the point that Logan get so flustered when one of the students call you his partner / girlfriend

he doesn’t want them to call you that, because you’re not his partner and he doesn’t want to impose a title onto you like that, but he also doesn’t want them to not call you that because he’s scared you might think he’s not into you (which. oh my god is he into you. it’s laughable, really) so he does the only thing his brain can think of through the haze of panic and he tells the kids to shut up— which, in retrospect, really is a terrible idea when you’re a goddamn teacher— and that sends him directly into charles’ office, the latter raising an eyebrow expectantly at logan as he awaits an explanation because “logan, you cannot tell our students to shut up. you’re a teacher, you’re meant to respect them and be a role model, blah blah blah”— logan stopped listening halfway through the lecture, embarrassment simmering under his skin at the thought of having to explain to charles exactly why he told the kids to shut it— he’s sure the man already knows the reason behind his slip up anyway. the whole ordeal makes him want to crawl into a ditch, really, because the students weren’t even close to being offended by the outburst, used to logan being a little rough around the edges, knowing he means well despite his gruffness, but scott fucking summers had to be walking down the hallway when it happened, the little cockroach immediately turning on his heels to tell on him to the headmaster (if there’s one thing scott loves, it’s getting logan in trouble, he’s like an annoying little brother logan can’t seem to get rid of) and now logan has to acknowledge his feelings for you out loud not only to himself, but to charles as well, and it makes him grit his teeth in discomfort. you do end up hearing about the ordeal— minus the feelings part, because while scott is a pest, he’s not a complete moron and won’t expose logan like that (the unpleasant prospect of getting stabbed by adamantium claws also contributes to his silence)— and you find it funny despite yourself, playfully scolding logan before erupting in a fit of giggles that ends with you having to lean into his side for support, and that small moment alone where he gets to not only feel the warmth of your body against his, but to rejoice in the delightful sound of your laughter and admire the way happiness sweeps over your features so beautifully, logan decides that getting scolded by charles (and then scott, then storm, then jean…) is more than worth it.

[desos-records]

The part I appreciate the most in the Lockwood and Co show is how it handles depression and suicidal thoughts in teenagers. As a theme, it’s not often (ever) done well. Lockwood and Co is the only story I can think of that depicts it in a nuanced, realistic, non-romanticized way

but first, before I get into it: [if you’re in crisis or need someone to talk to and don’t want to/can’t use your national hotline, highly recommend Samaritans, genuinely saved my life] okay, let’s go

Lockwood is the most obvious, with his general disregard for his own life and admitted suicidal ideation. Lucy struggles with her self-worth and the intensity of the emotions she’s subjected to. George worries that he doesn’t belong, that there’s something useless or wrong about him. The show depicts these thoughts and feelings in a way that isn’t overblown or dramatized, it’s all but casual. Which is how it happens. Depression or suicidal thoughts don’t crash into you all at once, they creep into your life without you noticing

But more importantly (and again, something I’ve never seen anywhere else), the show also offers counterpoints to those thoughts and feelings. It shows that there is a way out, even though you may feel trapped and hopeless. This is crucial for the show’s target demographic. Bad media depictions of depression or suicide get internalized, contribute to the stigma, and make it harder for people to ask for help. This show doesn’t do that. This show tells its audience that, yes, things are scary and painful and it fucking sucks, but it’s not hopeless. And it says it so well

In the second episode, when Lucy wants to quit, she admits something that I’m almost certain she’s never told anyone

“sometimes I just think I’d be better off dead”

And when I watched this the first time, I expected Lockwood to react the way I’ve seen people react in my own life; with silence or panic or downright dismissal. But he didn’t. He stays calm and he says something that is so so important to hear when you’re struggling under the weight of feelings like this

“I understand that”

Saying this tells someone several things: that you’re on their side, they aren’t strange or monstrous for feeling like this, and that you’re not going to attack or abandon them because of it. And you can see the impact it has on Lucy, the way her face clears. She went from struggling to breathe and near tears to calm and steady. It’s no mistake that in this moment we hear his and Lucy’s theme for the first time (those simple, beautiful guitar strings)

The next thing he says is also important

“and it’s not true”

Simple, to the point, directly addressing her feelings, and (the most common mistake) doesn’t make it about him. Telling someone that you love them or that they’d be upset to lose you might sound nice, and it can be later on in the conversation, but in a moment like this, it’s infinitely more helpful to confront the thought itself

A similar moment in the first book stuck with me too, when they’re underneath Combe Carey Hall and Lucy almost steps into the well. What she’s hearing in her head (and the general phenomenon of malaise that ghosts produce) is very similar to depressive or suicidal thoughts. Before she can fall, Lockwood pulls her back

“no, Lucy, that’s not the way it’s going to be”

Depressive and suicidal thoughts deal in absolutes, so sometimes it takes an absolute to counter it

In the last episode, George has that heart-breaking moment where he says all the awful things he thinks about himself, partly because of the influence of the boneglass and Bickerstaff, but it’s also been building up, there in the background. Increasingly, it’s Lockwood and Lucy working together and George working on his own, which picks at old wounds (engineer, engineer, engineer, weirdo). He bonds with Joplin because he feels like she understands him in a way the others don’t

“it’s nice to have someone to show off to”

But Lucy pushes back against all that because she sees herself in all the ugly things George is saying, because she’s felt that way too. She understands that. She’s so surprised and horrified to hear him saying those things, resigning himself to dying down there, she’s not going to let him go on believing them

“you’re not a third wheel or an oddball or whatever it is that you think you are”

“you’re the best of us”

“we are not losing you, Georgie”

Flo called him that earlier too, but Lucy wasn’t there for that and coming unprompted from her it sounds so much like something you might call your slightly annoying younger brother. She’s so absolute about it all, with no opening for doubt, and you can see something like surprise on George’s face (but also pain because now Lucy’s in danger too)

For all Lucy knows, the boneglass will kill her. I don’t think for a second she genuinely believes her talent will protect her; she told Joplin that to protect George. It’s unclear when exactly she came up with the plan to use the skull, but she was willing to risk it anyway. And she knows, she knows, George will blame himself for this (because she would too, if it were the other way around), but even then, she’s very clear

“this isn’t your fault”

Their whole scene down in the catacombs is two kids trying to keep each other alive, physically obviously, but on the inside as well. And, oh god, George almost crashing down next to Lucy after he’s knocked over the boneglass, trying to wake her up. His voice

“Lucy, Lucy, it’s me, it’s me, say something, speak to me”

I think it’s down in those catacombs that George and Lucy really understand each other for the first time. In their own ways, they’re both curious and suspicious about the Problem and what causes it, trying to learn more about it (and stressing Lockwood out in the process). They both left their families; they both struggle with feeling strange and different than everyone around them. That connection pulls them both back from the edge

Lockwood, for all his confidence, is practically in crisis or was fairly recently (I suspect living with George helped). It’s fairly common, actually, for someone suicidal to overcompensate with an exterior shell to hide it, which can manifest in different ways depending on the person (they may not even realize they’re doing it, I didn’t)

And I love how the show handles it. He’s not made into this dark, tragic figure. He’s so full of life it hurts. He jokes around with George and Flo, fights with Kipps, admires Fairfax. He has dreams (plans) for the future. He’s struggling with trauma, they all are, but he’s not Broken™ in the way similar leading characters are often made out to be, in the way we often fear we are

And, of course, there’s Lucy, a wreaking ball through the precarious balance of Lockwood’s life. It’s not so much that she gives him a reason to live (although she definitely helps), but she holds him accountable in a way no one else does. This is the difficult part of recovery that no one talks about. Having people care for you (George) and sympathize with you (Flo) is great and necessary, especially early on. But at some point, you have to take responsibility for yourself and the noise in your head (you have to open your door on the landing)

What that looks like is complicated and messy and different for every person, but seeing it played out in a story is remarkable. I’ve never seen anything like it. This is a difficult thing for anyone to learn (many adults never even try)

That shot of George, Lucy, Lockwood (and Kipps) rising up on the catafalque sums it all up for me. Each of them fell into darkness alone and rose out of it together. They inspired each other to fight and win their individual battles, even when they couldn’t be there to help

[the-nyanguard-party]

You harp on and on about "material reality" this and that, and then turn around and ask why the """yanquis""" don't just overthrow the government when the reality is that most of them are not in a position to do that at all. It's like you're expecting this people's march on the capital, but really all it'll be if it even happens is a left-wing version of January 6th. Not to mention the arsenal of Damacles hanging over every American's head in the form of threat of imprisonment, threat of debt, threat of death, threat of social exclusion, etc, etc, etc. Life is already hard enough for the people of this country, as impossible as it is for people like you to believe it. Don't heap more expectations onto them on top of everything else. We didn't ask to be born here, we didn't ask for our country to be the Great Satan that it is, and we certainly did not ask for our lives to be reduced to simplistic routines of home/work/vote in November.

And before you just choose to write up a snarky little comment about it, I don't expect Argentinians to "just" overthrow their government, either. I don't expect the people of any country to "just" be able to do that. I know it's a tall order no matter where you are, and every time it does manage to happen it is through a coordinated effort of some very capable people.

But at the same time, I'm not just going to sit here and read post after post of your takes that imply the American people are directly responsible for what their government does between takes that state that the American government has no incentive to listen at all. I don't care if you think a poor person in America holds more power than someone living in the third world, that they ""benefit from imperialism""", because that's so obviously wrong. Thinking like that is motivated by a desire to dehumanize innocent people in response to what their government does to innocents in other countries, and I'm going to call that out whenever I see it.

love the scare quotes around "yanqui." gotta make sure they know you don't respect the spanish language. since it makes you so mad i think i'm going to go ahead and use it as much as i can

the funny thing is the post that has you so mad was about a yanqui being mad that yanquis were being asked to be more anti-war. nobody was expecting yanquis to even start a civil war in the US but that was too much for yanquis. people in conditions of oppression unimaginable to yanquis have toppled empires

personally i don't expect anything of yanquis. as far as i'm concerned yanquis are never going to contribute anything to the communist and anti-imperialist movement until your empire is well into its downfall. feel free to prove me wrong, i'd love that

but thanks for all of this. you seem to have some very strong convictions about how random south americans are Dehumanizing yanquis on tumblr.com and this is a serious issue. maybe you should feel the same about your country's imperialism and go do something about it instead of bothering me, yanqui

[anthurak]

The Eclectic Bunch of the 'We Hate Blitzo' Club

I feel like I’ve seen a bit too much oversimplification/generalization of the ‘Blitzo Sucks’ party in Apology Tour, with a lot of people taking Dennis’s presence at the party to mean something like ‘Only Verosika and maybe a few other people there were REALLY hurt by Blitzo and everyone else is just using it as an excuse to party’. I think this idea misses the possibility of there probably actually being a quite varied and eclectic mix of people at these parties.

Like yeah, you’ve probably got a few people like Dennis who just got maybe a somewhat hostile run-in with Blitzo at a party, and you’ve got people like Verosika who were in serious, long-term relationships that ended VERY badly.

But then you’ve got what I imagine are most of the people at the party who were in brief flings/one-night-stands with Blitzo which nonetheless ended in VERY ugly fashion. As I went into in this post, I think people are underestimating just how volatile and hare-trigger Blitzo is when it comes to relationships. And how quickly and violently he can lash out when he thinks someone is ‘getting too close’ or ‘trying to convince him they care’. Meaning that I feel like most people at the party were likely still hurt pretty badly by Blitzo.

And there’s likely also a subset of people who have even bigger issues that their breakup with Blitzo caused or at least was a major contributing factor in, like it’s clear that Verosika’s substance abuse and whatever else ended her up in rehab was a direct fallout of her breakup with Blitzo. And I imagine she’s far from the only one at the party who had something like that happen to them.

And then you’ve got some people who weren’t hurt directly by Blitzo, but are instead friends/family/partners of people who WERE, likely the aforementioned ones who got hit especially hard, and are there to support them. Like how we see a good number of Verosika’s succubus crew at the party, plus Vortex, who clearly never had a thing with Blitzo but are instead there with Verosika.

Like I wouldn’t be surprised if Better Than Blitzo Guy isn’t actually one of Blitzo’s ex’s, given that he doesn’t seem to recognize him, but is instead a friend of one (maybe even Verosika herself) who’s at these parties just to help out.

(Yes, I do realize this could be a head-scratching thought to everyone who’s convinced themselves that he must be some Goetia sleeper-agent or some other bullshit, but there IS in fact such a thing as a ‘random nice person’.)

Heck, there’s probably at least a few people who are more or less ‘over’ their issues with Blitzo, but still come to these parties for the friends they’ve made there who aren’t.

And then there’s Wally Wackford who might just be there to hock ‘Blitzo Sucks!’ merch, but I imagine it was somewhere between explaining the fourth and fifth times Blitzo fucked him over that Verosika let him stay. I mean if anyone can appreciate some good ‘Blitzo Sucks!’ merch, it would be her. Heck this may not even be his first year :D

All in all, I feel like the yearly attendees of the ‘Blitzo Sucks!’ parties a quite a bit more broad, varied and nuanced than I think I lot of people are giving them credit for.

[dumpstermaster]

Hi. I don't usually speak up about these issues mainly because I don't exactly have a following, and I'm pretty sure only mutuals will be able to see this post.

But—

Let's open our eyes to what's going on for a second. Let's take a break from consuming things that distract us from reality. From what's been happening across the sea. From the tides that are ebbing and flowing with the blood of the innocent. From the cries of children, mothers, fathers, brothers, and sisters stripped of their home and of their lives.

From the people who are desperately reaching out to us for help.

I have been privileged enough not to wake to the sounds of bombs mere miles from where I'm sleeping. I have been privileged enough to wake up and not smell sulfur and ash in the air. I have been privileged enough not to live in cramped spaces that breed disease, lacking food or clean water.

The people of Palestine need you to amplify their voices. They need you to scream for them now more than ever.

Rafah is currently being bombed and invaded. The border between the Rafah to Egypt crossing is currently being lined with tanks.

I know that it all feels hopeless, but please do not give up. There will be another opportunity. There will be another opening. While the invasion of Rafah is currently taking place, a ceasefire resolution is still being negotiated as we speak. Do NOT give up hope.

I didn't want to make this post without supplementing it with something that is actionable, but as someone with little means to help monetarily, I understand if you cannot directly donate to the links provided below. However, please do not underestimate your voice. Being able to spread this to someone who is able to contribute funding is equally as important.

So what can you do?

The simplest thing you can do is share these resources. Share them to as many people as you can. Amplifying the voices of the disparaged means that more people who are able to give aid can be reached. Research any local movements, any protests happening in your city or town, and attend them if you can.

And when your voice is hoarse from speaking, from screaming. When your legs hurt from the march. When you aren't able to reach as far as you can, as you want to, as you need to, the next thing you can do is listen. Keep updated on what is happening. Keep your eyes open. The more people mobilize and direct their efforts to help, the more people come up with new ways to give aid. There is always a next step.

Avoid supporting companies who are supporting or are compliant to Israel's genocide. There is a useful app called Boycat that you can scan the barcodes of products with so it can tell you, using its ever-expanding database, if its brand is compliant to ethical standards. One of the current campaigns it's supporting is that of Palestine.

For folks who are able to donate funds, here is a list of charities and fundraisers you can donate to:

eSims For Gaza makes sure that people in Gaza are able to maintain communication with their families overseas, and allows journalists to secure more visibility on what is happening on the field.

The Gaza Sunbirds are a para-cycling team focusing their efforts and resources to helping their community by routing supplies to families in the Gaza strip.

Gxza Health provides telemedicine to the people in Gaza in need of medicine and healthcare. They are partnered with UNRWA to get medication delivered to patients.

Palestine Red Crescent Society is a part of the Red Cross and the Red Crescent and helps facilitate aid to the people in the Gaza strip.

Sulala Animal Rescue is an organization focused on rescuing, treating, and feeding strays in Gaza City, with hopes of possibly opening a permanent shelter with international support.

Medical Aid for Palestinians supports Palestinians by providing medical aid to those who need it.

Anera provides warm meals and facilitates medical aid for refugees in Palestine.

Baitumaal provides emergency aid and poverty relief to communities that are under-privileged, including a service to sponsor children who have been orphaned.

If you want to directly sponsor a Palestinian family, a grassroots movement called Operation Olive Branch is currently working hard to amplify the voices of Palestinians who are in need of funding to escape their current predicament. You can find over 800+ families in the spreadsheet that they maintain, with gofundme campaigns operated by the families themselves. OOB also heads the Perinatal Project, a project that specifically caters to people in need of urgent prenatal, postpartum, and infant care needs.

I will make new posts as time goes on and the more resources I am able to gather, but for now that is all. Please share as much as you can.

From the river to the sea.

Free Palestine

[ID: a digital drawing of a hoopoe bird holding a large watermelon slice in its beak. The watermelon is dripping red, and the bird’s face and front are likewise covered in red: it could be watermelon juice, but it looks a lot like blood either way. The background features smudges of black and red behind the bird. /end ID]

(Art by me. Image description by my friend @quaxorascal)

[kepler-station]

౨ৎ.𖥔˚ korra — asking asami for help with pursuing asami's best friend hcs

— 𝜗𝜚 or asami being korra's wingwoman.

— i got so taken aback when i realized that i was writing "how reader feels abt korra pursuing her as asami's best friend knowing korra is asami's ex-girlfriend" so i had to delete half of the first draft to make this hehe, but i'm happy w/ it now 🫶🏻

— IM SO SORRY BUT HALF OF THE FIRST HCS ARE JUST HCS ABOUT BEING ASAMI'S BESTIE, I GOT CARRIED AWAY BUT I LIKE IT TOO MUCHH ㅠㅠ

𔓕 ⸝⸝ ꒱ sumi radio ; dumb dumb by jeon somi

ᡣ𐭩 .𖥔˚ heads up ! — now, because it's hard to make x reader content for characters who are canonically in a relationship esp. if they're happy with their canon lover, korra and asami broke up on good terms in my au where the korra x reader hcs take place. they def still happened, but they broke up and stayed good friends.

— you were asami's best friend, sticking by asami's side since her childhood. you were there for asami from day one — you were there when asami first found her passion for engineering, you were there for her when her mother was killed, and you saw asami train with the best self-defense teachers.

— you were there when she started pursuing mako, were there when she got with korra, and were there when they broke up.

— you were always there for asami, and asami was always there for you. you balanced eachother out perfectly, and you were able to be yourself with her. she's even taken you out to 'platonic dinner' multiple times! and you're the person she goes to when she wants to try a new restaurant (after her lover, ofc... there's a reason why lovers are also called one's "significant other").

— asami trained you in similar self-defense attacks and techniques that she was taught, not only in fear of losing you, but also it introduced another way you two can bond! perhaps you were curious and wanted to learn to when you would watch asami train, perhaps asami almost lost you one time and wanted to train you in fear of nearly seeing you get ripped away from her again.

— you joined korra's team some time after asami did. she noticed how you and her weren't able to hang out as much since she joined korra's team, so she invited you to tag along sometimes, which turned into you being a vital part of the team!

— whether you're an intellect who contributes via strategy planning, a chi-blocker who helps by allowing the others to use chi-blocking to render bender opponents useless for a good minute or two,a social butterfly who introduces fun into the missions by lightening up the mood during a time when the team is too serious when they can have a little fun for a bit, or an introvert who's just there because asami's there, you introduce something new into the team that they later find out, they can no longer function without (you're like the sokka of the team).

— being a vital part of the team, everyone warms up to you quickly and praise and adore you for whatever new thing you introduce into the team, esp. korra, who often praises you for it. she warms up to you faster than the others, and commends you for your achievements more.

— the others see it as korra just being reaaally eager to be friends with you. esp. after she and asami got together, she'd obviously want to get along with asami's friends and get their approval for dating their friend (because idk abt you but it gets really tricky to be with someone when their friends don't approve of, esp. if they're the type of friends to try to convince them to break up, not from experience). but when asami introduced you two formally when korra visited you two's workplace (yes, you work maybe part-time at future industries directly under asami), something just clicked between you and korra.

— you two never really interacted with one another outside of having to for missions. seeing that korra was dating your best friend, you saw fit that it'd be suitable to back off from trying to be friendly towards korra in fear of having conflict stemming from miscommunication with asami (but knowing asami, she'd probably be fine with you two talking as friends, so long as you're being honest with her about wanting to be friends).

— and so, you two never really talked and whenever you did outside of needing to for missions, it often dismissed itself quickly due to being fairly new and unfamiliar with one another outside of knowing that you are asami's best friend, and that she was asami's girlfriend. it was certainly nice to talk to korra, but it was somewhat awkward and most of it consisted of trying to get to know one another and talking about current events that have just happened. most of the time though, korra would approach you to ask for things like "what would asami like?", "would asami like this?", "what are things that asami would like?", or "i'm taking asami on a date, can you help me make sure that she would like it?".

— (please note that by now korra and asami have already broken up) now focusing on the actual topic at hand, asami was a little taken aback when korra confessed to liking her best friend, and asked for tips on how to pursue her and make her love her (korra). it had only been a few weeks since asami and korra had broken up, so it spawned some misinterpretations that korra only broke up with asami to get with you, but that was quickly disputed by a very taken aback korra.

— being the supportive best friend asami is, after getting over the initial shock and miscommunication, asami was supportive of it and is willing to be korra's wingwoman! she gave korra the best tips and was 100% going to set you and korra up... after she made sure you were comfortable with going on a date with korra, knowing she's your lifelong bestie's ex-girlfriend.

— so after she made sure you were over the hurdle of feeling strange and weird about talking to someone who once had feelings for your best friend, she started subtly urging and implying that you spend more time with korra (without cutting out you two's bestie hang outs, ofc!), and even pushing korra to make moves on you like asking you out to dinner or even just having a conversation with eye contact.

— she also starts giving korra a gentle nudge in the right direction when it comes to korra practicing how she should pursue you, or even just straight up saying it. asami gives korra the best of the best tips for how she should go about courting you, after all she has known you for literally her entire life !

— on your side, asami started making up excuses for their friends so that korra can have some time with you. if you want company while you train, she's more than happy to invite korra to tag along while she watches and helps you train, and if she's unavailable, she'll just offer another option that's she says is "arguably better than [friend you considering inviting over for company]", korra ! moreover, if you wanna be trained in a different style (perhaps you found a weak spot in your own style of self-defense in a fightz or perhaps you're just bored... up to you, really), asami is quick to offer korra !

— and just like that, you and korra grew closer than you expected. korra couldn't be happier and more thankful when she finally confessed to you (again, with a little push, convincing and setting up from your wingwoman asami), and later when you two get together.

— you and korra will need to thank asami later. but don't worry, asami feels no need to receive thanks and will support you two with undying support ! your best friend will always be on your side, and will support you until the end of time !

[exo-raskreia]

what do you have to say about when ichigo was fighting grimmjow and was getting beaten up but he won bc of orihime pleas and cries? im not saying ichiruki is bad bc it is true you could say they have more time together (and emotions, feelings) but i think you can't deny either that ichigo won against grimmjow bc of orihime that time

Uh, what? You mean when she was scared of him & little Nel had to give her a push to cheer him on? 😒

Meanwhile, Rukia was never scared of him, never doubted him, & would've given him an encouraging speech right before he even started 😌.

I considered not answering this ask cuz it just sounds so... dumb.

But, I guess I can entertain this a bit...

Yeah, Ori contributed so much that Ichigo forgot to thank her, but he did thank little Nel.

Also, notice how he gave Nel AND Ori the same look 🫢

🤣

He's given the same look to his sisters too. Meanwhile, the way he looked at Rukia was so vastly different... 😩 Check out this post for example.

The funniest part is that the reason Ichigo fought Grimmjow in HM (and one of his main motivations to even go there—Ori getting kidnapped was the excuse he needed) was because he had a personal vendetta against him for hurting Rukia. But, Ichigo was in denial & claimed he only came to save Inoue until Grimmjow called him out on it.

It's basically like:

Whoa, what? 👀

You're onto something...

Hmm...

Ah, so it's true! 👀

This screenshot with the bonus databook info from this amazing post, though 👀:

I also think it's funny how he asked her to heal him before the fight. He didn't face her directly & basically came off as: "Just heal me already." 🤭

Ori simply did the bare minimum in cheering for a friend risking their life. Anyone else in her place doing the same would have given some encouragement to Ichigo (I remember being so annoyed at her for fearing him while he was fighting the enemy. When she finally snapped out of it, I was like, "About time." 🙄).

(Btw, there is an interesting interpretation of Ichigo's reaction to Ori's words here. What she said may not have been the words Ichigo needed nor wanted to hear...)

You might think after this, Ori would have finally started to develop; if Kub0 had wanted, IH could have started to get somewhere... but what happened later at the dome & then the Fullbring arc told us otherwise (what happened at the dome should've solidified for everyone that IH do NOT work together & bring out the WORST in each other 🤷‍♀️). Ori did not learn a single thing... she even got worse in TYBW...

(This post pokes fun at this part 🤪)

You think this is what Ichigo needed to hear at such a crucial moment?! Rukia would've never said such a thing! 😤

There's an interesting IR post here about Ichigo's potential love language being Words of Affirmation. And Rukia was the perfect person to fill his little love tank; her words always meant so much to him 💞.

Also, canonically, Ichigo spent more time around Ori's vicinity than Rukia's, & yet they couldn't develop any special bond. Ichigo spent 17 months without Rukia, but him & Ori still. didn't. get. anywhere. Ori had no development from her experience in HM & was still pathetically simping over Ichigo while he was none the wiser (and couldn't care less) 🙄.

Anyway, even if Ori had contributed greatly to the Grimmjow fight, wasn't it nice of her to help Ichigo avenge another girl? 😊

[blorger]

the Great Longbottom Bully Chronicles: Snape edition

We conclude our four-part investigation into Neville's canon bullies (pt.1, pt. 2 and pt.3) with none other than his most well-established tormentor, the big kahuna himself: Severus Snape.

Snape's mistreatment of Neville is undeniable but does our view of it change if we take into account not only the context in which the bullying happens but also Snape's personality (does not suffer fools), preferences (hates children) and situation (probably overworked to the max from all the extracurriculars assigned by Dumbledore, also the whole spy thing)?

I'm not looking to excuse Snape's bullying, mind you, what I am seeking to do is to understand it. Why does Snape do what he does? How much of his behaviour towards Neville is intentional? Also, how seriously are we supposed to take said bullying?

Answering these questions is not as easy as it may seem and it's only made more difficult by the fact that (as seen in part 3) the narration itself is often unkind to Neville. The fact that books 1 through 4 Neville is little more than comic relief affects directly how we feel about his mistreatment.

In the first books, Neville is a cartoonish character: he doesn't speak, he "squeaks" or "quavers". If something delicate is around, Neville is bound to either sit on it or send it flying. Neville spends the majority of the first 4 books in a constant state of fear: he gets descriptors like anxious, fearful, tremulous; he acts sadly, miserably, shakily; he cries, he moans, he whimpers, he stammers. All of this happens independently from Snape's bullying, though it must be assumed that said bullying contributes negatively to Neville's self image (which in turn guides his actions and mannerisms).

It's not until Goblet of Fire that we see a distinct shift in the way Neville is portrayed, with Barty Crouch jr (cosplaying as Alastor Moody) holding the honor of being the first adult in Neville's life to step up and offer him guidance (but only after intentionally traumatising him by showing him the curse that he used to ruin the minds of his parents, he's a multi-faceted guy that Barty).

This coincides with something I've already talked about: as the story's tone shifts, so does Neville's characterisation. From GoF on, we see a sharp decrease in both Snape's targeted bullying and Neville's fear of it, and they both come to an end in OotP once Neville's chrysalis is ready to hatch and he can become Neville 2.0, the Ultimate Hero.

Taking all of this into account, let's look at Snape and Neville's interactions in canon:

PS

(Neville manages to melt a cauldron during his first ever lesson: this is Snape's introduction to him.)

You can see from Snape's tone that he's immediately short with Neville (because he's a bad teacher) but this is also Harry's first lesson and Snape immediately redirects his frustration towards him instead. I give this a 4/10 on the bully scale since he's admonishing a student for a mistake, it's how bad he is at it that moves it into bully territory. He gets a 7/10 on the bad teacher scale, though, because an atmosphere of fear is not conductive to learning.

CoS

(Lockhart is trying to select students for the duelling club, Snape has opinions)

At this point in the story Neville DOES cause devastation wherever he goes, we know this from non-evil sources (Harry). This gets 3/10 on the bully scale because there's merit in what Snape says but 8/10 on the bad teacher scale because Nev is at an impressionable age and needs constructive criticism, not public humiliation.

Is Snape attempting to bully Neville when he says this? I'm going to go out on a limb and say no. We know that Snape speaks to most people in a direct and often insensitive manner and he does not seem to be actively targeting Neville in this scene. Snape, it seems, merely makes a throwaway comment and immediately goes back to his real objective: needling Harry.

(Harry observes Snape in class)

Harry considers Snape's actions to be bullying, and we know that Neville feels victimised by them but what are Snape's intentions? At this point in the story I feel like Snape is not seeking to intimidate or otherwise harm Neville, it's just that the intimidation is a byproduct of the way he teaches. 5/10 on the bully scale but 7/10 on the bad teacher scale.

PoA

and

and

(Neville has a terrible time in potions)

This is perhaps the most egregious case of mistreatment Neville faces in the books. We start with Neville already worked up and anxious and his state of mind (and potion) is only made worse by Snape's attitude. The final threat of toad annihilation and Snape's refusal to let Hermione assist Neville are what really escalates an otherwise ordinary situation (ordinary for a potion class containing Neville) into nightmare territory.

This gets a 9/10 on the bully scale because the toad threat is both unnecessary and cruel and a 8/10 on the bad teacher scale. Snape does try to impart information but the tone he uses is clearly inappropriate (as are the threats of animal cruelty). Snape does not seem to be able to teach effectively when it comes to his problem students, which results in his frustration and eventual descent into maliciousness.

(Just some friendly advice to the werewolf professor you hate, completely normal behaviour from Snape)

Here Snape is undeniably acting out of malice: there's zero pretence that this conversation is for Neville's scholastic benefit. It must be noted that this scene happens right on the tail end of the potion disaster described above so Snape is most likely still worked up from that. 8/10 on the bully scale because this is said in front of Neville, Neville's class and the New Teacher for maximum embarrassment and 10/10 on the bad teacher scale since there's no possible pedagogic reason for this exchange.

(Snape has found out about Neville's boggart)

We are not shown the resulting bullying directly so we have to take Harry at his word. We do not know what Snape actually does, only the impression it leaves on someone who already doesn't like him. I give this 6/10 on the bully scale because of vagueness but a solid 9/10 on the bad teacher scale, because Snape has just found out that his teaching style is terrifying enough for Neville to make him his literal greatest fear and yet he seems more preoccupied with the slight to his ego.

GoF

(Neville starts the school year strong but so does Snape)

I am of two minds on this: on the one hand there comes a point in a teacher's life when nothing you do seems to work so you resort to handing out detentions, on the other hand a more competent teacher would actually use said detentions to attempt to do some teaching. Snape chooses to use his time in a decidedly less productive way, that is to say by terrorising noted toad owner Neville Longbottom with toad dissection. this gets 6.5/10 on the bully scale, because toad parts are actually used as potion ingredients so it's a somewhat constructive detention but 8/10 on the bad teacher scale, because Snape does not use the the detention as a teaching opportunity and opts instead for some petty revenge.

OotP

(Snape describes what his advanced potions class will entail and also his expectations regarding his pupils' O.W.L.s)

This is positively benign coming from Snape, also Neville should be nowhere close to an advanced potions classroom. 1/10 on the bully scale and also 2/10 on the bad teacher scale.

(Neville just received some unintentionally super-effective psychic Damage from Draco. Harry and Ron try to hold him back and Snape takes notice)

Who is this New and Improved Severus Snape who behaves like an actual teacher (albeit a somewhat biased one)? 0/10 on the bully scale and a mere 1/10 on the bad teacher scale.

I want to take this moment to note that Neville's character makeover happens in tandem with Snape's. Just as Neville becomes less cartoonish as the books progress so does Snape's character acquire nuance and depth. Also, since the situation in the wizarding world is escalating rapidly, Snape is now quite busy with his second job (triple agent). The time for comical takedowns form the witty teacher is over, we need to get ready to sympathize with Snape's upcoming martyrdom.

(Snape is called to Umbridge's office, where the DA has been caught red-handed)

We have finally reached the very last interaction between Neville and Snape. We join them at a particularly sensitive time, as Snape cannot reveal he's a double-triple-super secret-gold star agent and therefore has to keep Umbridge appeased in order to quickly GTFO and investigate Harry's claims of Sirius's capture. In a way, this is Snape cosplaying as himself in the earlier books. This gets a mere 1/10 on the bully and the bad teacher scale because he's just trying to keep up appearances.

And finally: the long-awaited conclusion

So, what did we learn kids? First of all, that Snape is a terrible teacher shoved into a position he's ill-suited for, and it shows. He does not have the patience nor the tact required for his position and furthermore he cannot keep his emotions separate from his job.

Even if we take into account the fact that that potions is clearly a subject in which not following instructions properly can have dangerous consequences - which gives Snape some leeway to act more strictly than other teachers - we cannot help but come to the conclusion that he should not have been put anywhere close to children (which calls into question Dumbledore's judgement but I digress).

We also learn, though, that Snape's treatment of Neville is at its peak when Neville is still being used as comedic relief and the bullying is scaled back as both of their characters undergo metamorphosis in order to reach their Ultimate Form. By the end of the books, we need to see Neville as Brave and Snape as a multi-layered, morally grey character and as such the bullying comes to an end rather abruptly (and anti-climatically). It's difficult to treat Neville's mistreatment with the gravity it deserves when the book themselves care so little for him as a character. Neville 2.0 is treated as important, yes, but in order to do so the author glosses over many formative moments in his life.

That said, it is an undeniable fact that Snape's actions have an enormous impact on Neville's self-worth. This, together with his grandma's awful parenting and the dismissive way he's treated by his peers, contributes to perhaps one of the saddest self-assessments in the books, as seen at the very beginning of OotP:

This is not a moment of introspection from Neville, it's merely a throwaway comment used to get out of a conversation, yet it's telling that his first instinct is to put himself down.

Also kudos to Ginny for never being a Neville hater and being probably his first genuine friend. You go girl.

When it comes to Snape's side of the equation, though, I'm left with more questions than answers. Can he tell that what he's doing to Neville is perpetuating the cycle of abuse he's part of (see: Sirius and James but also his father)? No matter how much I think about it I can't seem to come to a solid conclusion.

Snape is capable of extreme levels of compartmentalisation; this is what allows him to be such an effective spy but at the same time it's what keeps him from looking inward (and perhaps recognising the root of some of his actions). That said, Snape is also very astute and observant: he of all people should be able to tell what his actions are doing to Neville. I feel like Snape is able to rationalise his behaviour towards Harry quite well but Neville is not someone he holds rancour towards, so how does he justify his mistreatment?

I imagine Snape is under immense stress for all of Harry's (and Neville's) time at Hogwarts and the situation only worsens as the years go on so I can see him releasing steam with some recreational bullying. Is this all there is to it when push comes to shove? Was Neville simply in the wrong place at the wrong time?

[seeingivy]

elevated heart rates 

levi ackerman x f!reader

levi’s a mind reader and you’re a love expert 

content: grad student levi, brain researchers, nile being a weirdo freak (sorry yall), mentions of drinking, levi is shirtless at one point, reader has claustrophobia 

an: started my big girl brain research fellowship today. hence - brain jargon and GRAD STUDENT LEVI

- 

The room is small - the nineteen of you cramming into the small space of the conference room. You’re located directly at the front, sitting next to your advisor, Dot Pyxis. A leading expert in the field, one of the first neuroscientists you had met at a conference when you were a freshman in college. 

You saw it - the way his eyes lighted up, the way he was stumbling over his words because he was so excited to explain what he did everyday that you wanted that. To be that excited about something. And here you were, sitting next to him about to make it happen. 

You moved to Marley two months ago for this very moment. Your first day at the Brain Consortium - one of the best neuroscience research labs in the country, led by Pyxis himself. He was going to co-advise your thesis, guide you into becoming an expert in the field. Unlike any other, this lab was barely limited to one field, instead equipped with researchers from many different departments, the projects, the papers entirely interdisciplinary. 

There was no other place like it. You can feel your hands shaking as you hand over your hard drive, your presentation loaded on to it. Pyxis had explained it all - there were weekly lab meetings where everyone came together, presenting their research. Everyone gave feedback, asked questions to help further expand and build on the projects. 

And it was your turn. On your very first day, you were expected to explain. What you were going to research, what you were going to contribute, what you were excited about. 

It’s fucking nerve wracking. Pyxis stands up, giving you one last shoulder squeeze, before introducing everyone in the lab to you. He points everyone out - the other assistant professors, post-doctoral researchers, and the other PhD students. 

“Hange Zoe, Erwin Smith, Levi Ackerman, Petra Ral, and Nile Dok. The other PhD students. I want the five of you to give her a tour of the lab after.” 

They all nod, a few of them giving you encouraging smiles as you start. Pyxis turns to you, taking your seat at the table as you take the pointer in your hands, starting your presentation. 

“Right. Um, I’m F/N L/N. It’s nice to meet you all. I, um, completed my undergraduate studies at Shiganshina University. I got a b-bachelors in applied neuroscience and computational biology. I’ll be presenting my thesis project pr-proposal.” 

You hate this shit. You’re stuttering over your words and they’re all staring back, completely uninterested in your work. The PhD students in front of you aren’t even taking you seriously - the girl with glasses nearly stumbling off her chair from sliding around on it and the guy with dark black, grey steely eyes more interested in his cup of fucking tea than what you were talking about. 

“Right, so. My project aims to study interoceptive signals - like heartbeat, respiration cycles, blood pressure - and use them to predict and decode intentions. These small biomarkers, entirely unconscious to us, are consistent during decision making, unbeknownst to us. We can exploit that - to understand higher level cognition.” 

You’ve got their attention - you can tell. This is always the easy part, drawing them in - the woman from before stopped sliding on her chair, instead leaning forward with her eyes shining at your slides, the guy with the tea momentarily flickering his eyes up to the screen. 

“You can use it to predict how people act, how they feel. Especially for something like heart rate, which is what I want to focus on, you can understand so many things - anxiety, stress, companionship, sexual attraction, romance.” 

You see one of the PhD students murmur under his breath, interrupting you in your stead. Nile, they said his name was. 

“So you want to be a…love expert?” 

The entire room laughs, giving you smiles as you continue on. You give him a smile, responding. 

“I guess you could say that.” 

You continue on - highlighting how the brain regulates these signals, what equipment you’ll be using to record all of it. 

They clap when you’re done. Success. 

 - 

You feel fully settled into the lab, a few months later. You’ve decorated your tiny cubicle, directly in the middle with the other PhD students, with a few knick knacks - a picture of you and your best friend, a tiny little green figurine your parents gifted you, and a rack for your headphones. 

You’re located in the section with the other PhD students, who are…interesting. 

On the first day, they lead you to take the cubicle directly next to Hange, which you realized was a bad idea. Because they set you up. Hange’s a biochemist - doing research on the brain tissue at the molecular level, trying to understand how glioblastomas progress. Meaning - they’re always playing with chemicals at their desk, sometimes too lazy to walk over to the lab, which leads to some interesting smells and…smokes in your area. 

They never get in trouble, because Erwin and Petra always come to save the day. They’re both leading policy experts, studying volition and decision making in hopes to use in applications to the law and judicial systems. Figuring out why criminals commit crimes, using it for to serve justice. They cover up the evidence, distract Pyxis and Shadis, and talk their way out of it on Hange’s behalf. 

And that leaves Nile, who isn’t particularly your favorite. He’s a bit hard to get along with, not exactly personable per say. He’s researching microdosing and addiction - trying to figure out how we can manipulate medicines or drugs into being more or less addictive. 

You almost forgot about him. Levi, who's currently leading you to the MRI room on the other side of the building. Definitely the most intriguing of all of your colleagues - using transcranial brain stimulation to decode intentions. In less jargony terms, he read minds. 

He puts the decisions made on the tests into algorithms, correcting it until the machines can predict the decisions being made perfectly - that can be applied to anyone, not just singular participants. He’s coding human thought into machines. And doing it successfully. 

Levi’s quiet, perplexing, and intelligent. An enigma. He’s stood out to you, more than anyone else, for the simple reason that he’s the only one who doesn’t want to talk to you. Hange invites you out for drinks, Petra introduced you to her boyfriend, Erwin bought you a birthday present even though you didn’t tell anyone it was your birthday, and Nile asked you on a date (which you obviously declined). 

But Levi doesn’t care. You don’t either, but it does intrigue you at times. Why he’s so quiet, so closed off, what he’s always doing on his laptop, who he texts on his breaks. This was the first time you were alone with him - getting roped into participating in his newest study. 

“Newbie has to do it.” 

“Do what, Hange?” 

“Levi likes to experiment on all of our brains. You’ve never done it and he needs someone, so we’re volunteering you.” 

Hange and Erwin pull you up by the wrists, all but pushing you out of the conference room into Levi’s cubicle, where you almost trip and fall over him. He looks up - already deeply uninterested with the three of you standing in his space - as he removes his hands from his keyboard. 

“What, brats?” 

“I’m not participating. She is. Take her away!” 

He looks between the three of you, clearly unamused with how nonchalant Hange was being about the whole thing, as they knocked over Levi’s stack of books on the floom. They nearly shake his entire frame in their hands as they thanked him profusely for not making them participate. 

Erwin picks up the stack of books - somehow shuffling them all out of order as Levi gets even more frustrated - shooing the two of them out of his space. After successfully removing them, you and Levi walk towards the MRI room, all the way across the building, in silence. 

When you get there, he taps his hand on the platform, signaling for you to sit on it. You obediently follow, still not uttering an entire word. You watch him mill around the room - pressing switches, using the intercom to communicate with the operator, turning the lights off. 

“Wearing any metal?” 

“My necklace. I’ll take it off.” 

You reach up, awkwardly fumbling with the clasp as he watches you, his hands pressed to his sides as he waits. You’re not sure what it is - how sweaty your hands are, the way he’s looking at you, awkwardly waiting for you to finish - but you can’t get the clasp off, your hold shaking behind your hair. 

“I can help you.” 

You meekly nod, getting off the platform. Before you can, he reaches forward, his slender hands gathering your hair before placing them across the side to your shoulder. You feel his knuckles against your nape, quickly unlatching the necklace and fixing your hair back into place. 

“I’ll hold it for you.” 

You get back onto the platform, lying flat, as Levi uses the intercom to signal to Armin, one of the undergraduate students who worked in the MRI building. You can feel the platform sliding you into the tube and you suddenly feel it. 

Your claustrophobia. Every horrible thought you can imagine is running through your head as the machine starts whirring, your heart pounding in your chest. An earthquake - the machine would crush you. The magnets can be too fast, the machine malfunctioning while you’re stuck inside it. There could be a fire and you would be left here, everyone leaving you and locking you out of the room. 

“You okay?” 

“Y-yeah, Armin. Sorry. I get a bit claustrophobic, that’s all.” 

“Okay, take your time. Try to stay still so we can get better pictures.” 

You nod, trying to still your breaths as the machine whirrs on again. You can feel your nails digging into your palms, as you try to calm down, the panic still sitting in your chest. You feel a hand circle around your ankle, squeezing twice, as the machine keeps going. 

“You okay, Newbie?” 

“Yeah, Levi. I’m okay.” 

“I’m here. Get out if you’re uncomfortable. I’ll just drag Shitty Glasses by the scalp to do it instead of you.” 

You laugh, his hold still firm on your ankle. You try to focus on it - the fine print on the machine, your back against the platform, his fingers on your skin as the machine keeps going, your panic still writhing in your chest. The MRI finishes - Levi giving you one last squeeze before the platform slides out and you nearly jump out of the machine. 

You and Levi walk back to the main lab, in silence. When you get there, Levi gives Hange’s ponytail one big yank before settling back into his cubicle, giving you a soft smile before you return to yours. 

-   

It’s Levi’s turn to present for the lab meeting. The lab is going to Hizuru for Sigtuna, one of the largest neuroscience conferences to date. The PhD students are all presenting posters, except Levi who was invited to give a talk. 

You had been helping Levi as of late - working with him to identify the sulcuses and the lobes on all of Levi’s MRIs. He had no experience in magnetic resonance imaging whatsoever - something you had spent years learning during undergrad. So the two of you had worked out a system - you helped him with identifying the images and helped you troubleshoot your code for your tasks whenever you needed it (which was often). 

You spent a lot of time together - even if it wasn’t direct. You’d sit in silence in the main conference room, working for hours. He’d bring you a cup of coffee and you would pick up dinner, talking through ideas as you finished off your projects. 

You had helped him write the grant for the talk instead of the poster, helping him with all the physiological portions. He taught you how to do all the analysis for yours - the two of you often the one’s leaving the lab latest, Levi walking you to your car in the dark before walking off to his own. 

You were friends. Project partners. 

He gives you one last look before starting the presentation and you shoot him a thumbs up under the table, which he returns with a smile. He’s explaining - using your brain and Hange’s as the sample templates to explain what he was doing - what parts of the brain he has to use for his machine learning. 

“This is Newbie’s and this is Hange’s brain. In theory, each part of the brain is slightly bigger, depending on what parts of your brain you exercise more. For example, Hange is involved in more motor-dexterity - running all their projects by hand. This part of the sulcus is more developed, bigger because of it, compared to Newbie.” 

Nile nudges you on the side, whispering something about how he can give you something to do with your hands if you needed it. You roll your eyes, awkwardly shuffling farther as you refocus on what Levi was saying. 

“This part of the brain is more developed for Newbie, the Brodmann areas - associated with critical thinking, higher level cognition, decision making. Good thing I didn’t use your brain, Dok. We wouldn’t even be able to catch it on the image if we used yours.” 

The entire room laughs - Nile sulking in his chair as Levi continues. You don’t miss the look he gives you afterwards, his eyes uncharacteristically soft when he meets yours, as he continues the presentation. 

When he finishes, Pyxis goes over the room assignments, mentioning that there were three rooms for all the PhD students - meaning a few of you would have to pair up. You turn your neck to look at Petra, who's already nodding and agreeing with Hange that they would room together. You deflate, watching Erwin and Levi pair up. Which leaves you next to Nile, who's all but too excited to be your partner. 

He slings his arm around your shoulder, saying that you guys can share the bed if it gets cold at night, which leaves you shooting dangerous looks at Hange. Levi catches on first, immediately dragging Erwin over to where the two of you were standing. 

“Dok. Erwin is going to room with you.” 

“Says who?” 

“Says me. Don’t argue with me today, I’m already sick of you.” 

Levi grabs you by the wrist, dragging you towards the other side of the room as he rambles on. 

“What a fucking idiot. First he interrupts me during my talk and then starts saying perverted shit like that. Someone’s going to smack him upside the head one day and I surely hope for my sake it’s me.” 

You wrap your arms around his neck, squeezing him twice before letting go. 

“Thank you for that - I was literally going to vomit if I had to room with him.” 

“Well, I told you before. I’m here if you’re uncomfortable.” 

You nod, the two of you walking into the conference room to make edits to your presentation. 

 - 

You and Levi come back to your hotel room after the conference, positively plastered. He’d all but given his talk perfectly and your poster won an award at the end - which meant you and Levi were celebrating well into the night. 

You had your arms slung around each other, your weight uneven, as you both slide back into the hotel room, falling onto the singular bed in the room. You and Levi were greeted with the unpleasant sight earlier in the day - you and Levi both insisting that you would be the ones to sleep on the couch. 

You’re both lying face up on the bed - your cheeks flushed, your chests heaving up and down, the only sound in the room being your shaky breaths. Your hands are still locked together, your brain fuzzy from the events of the night. 

You and Levi amble up after a few minutes, both attempting to change into your pajamas and go to bed. You ogle Levi as he takes his shirt off, watching from the side of the mirror. He catches you, walking closer to you. He still reeks of beer, still shaking on his feet. 

He leans over, pressing his forehead against yours as you hold onto his arms, grounding your fingers into his biceps. He’s still not wearing a shirt, his bare chest on display. You fight the urge to stare at him full on. 

“You’re smart, Y/N.” 

“You’re smart too, Levi.” 

“Did you pay attention during my talk?” 

“Y-yes. You code the information, like a puzzle, to figure out what people’s intentions are.” 

“Hm. You be me. I’ll give you the information and you figure it out, okay?” 

You nod, barely understanding what he was getting at as you lean into him. You can feel the buzz dying down, the tiredness setting into your bones. 

“I’m not a mind reader like you, Levi.” 

“You’ll get this one. You’re my smart girl.” 

He reaches down, securing his hands around your waist as he pulls you closer to him. Your hands and frame are pressed against his chest, his skin cold to the touch.

“You caught my eye on the first day, with your perfectly pressed hair and that stupid black skirt.” 

You can feel your breath catch in your throat, the sound not leaving your throat.

“You take the cubicle two feet down from mine and I can’t help but watch you - reorganize your desk, get up to get water, scribble things on the whiteboard.” 

You can feel his heartbeat get faster against your hear, his grip on your waist tightening. You’re suddenly too aware of what’s happening - Levi, PhD Levi, is shirtless, hugging you in a hotel room. The lights are dim, there’s only one bed, and he’s holding you. 

“I don’t work with other people at the lab, but when you ask, I do. I leave the lab way past the required time, willingly spending more time in a room with that idiot Nile in it just because you’re in it too.”

“Levi.” 

“I’m not done.”

“It drives me crazy, every time Nile talks to you, touches you, looks at you. I want to sock him in the face - because he’s not nearly good enough for you. Not that anyone could be, but for some idiot like that to think he stands a chance is next level infuriating.”

He releases his hands from your face, lifting his hands to cup your face. His touch his soft, his thumb caressing the burning skin on your cheeks as his eyes meet yours.

“I think about you all the time. When I wake up, when I go to sleep, when I eat my breakfast. When I’m not with you, I just want to be around you. And when I’m around you, I want to be with you.” 

He leans forward, pressing a soft kiss to your forehead. His lips are pillowy soft, his breath tickling the edges of your forehead. 

“What does it mean? Figure out my intentions, smart girl.” 

You can feel your entire body burning, your head still spinning - from the alcohol, Levi’s touch, his words ringing in your ears. 

“You…like me.” 

“That’s a fact. Not an intention.” 

“You…want to kiss me?” 

He smiles, leaning forward to press his lips to yours. The kiss is warm, the taste of the beer still hanging on his lips. You can feel his hands moving, carding through your hair as you reach up to press your hand against his shoulders. He kisses you for a long time - your body burning at the entire sensation. He breaks apart, still smiling against your lips. 

“Smart girl.” 

“Do you…remember my research, Levi? From the first day?” 

“I’ve memorized every single thing you’ve ever said to me.” 

You can feel your cheeks flushing, Levi’s hands returning to squish the sides of your face. You grab one of his hands, opening up his fingers and placing it flat against your chest. You move his hand around, until you’re sure he can feel your heart - which is pounding in your chest. 

“Heart rate can give away a great deal. The biomarker can help you understand a lot of different emotions. Figure out which one I’m feeling, Levi.” 

He leans forward, pressing soft kisses all over your face as he starts asking. 

“Anxiety?” - a soft kiss, right on top of your head. 

“No.” 

“Stress?” - a light kiss, right on your closed eyelids. 

“No, Levi.” 

“Companionship.” - a sweet kiss, right on your lips. 

“Yes. But that’s not the one I was looking for.” 

You watch a smirk spread across his face as he leans down, spreading soft kisses all along your neck. He murmurs against your neck, a hint of teasing in his voice. 

“Sexual attraction?” 

“Levi. Quit being a tease.” 

“Shut up, brat.” 

“No. You missed one, Levi.” 

“What was it?” 

“Love. A heartbeat can give away a great deal - can even be used to indicate and understand romantic feelings.” 

He press his hand against your chest again, your heart still hammering. 

“It’s fast. What does that mean?” 

“That I love you.” 

You see a big smile spread across his face, reaching all the way up to his eyes. You see him now and you think it’s the best he’s ever looked - messy black hair, pink cheeks, squinted eyes. He reaches down, opening your fingers and placing them against his bare chest. You can feel his heart hammering in his chest. 

“Fast.” 

“Yeah. Means I love you too, smart girl.” 

- 

[uboat53]

Well, it's been the news a lot and the reaction has sparked a few things, so who's up for a LONG RANT (TM) with some thoughts that have come to me as I've been watching the CEO killing coverage?

LAW AND MORALITY

As the story has gone on, it's been clear that there's a disconnect between coverage of the victim and how the public views him. In the news coverage, he's only broken the law against intoxicated driving, but in public opinion he's a vicious murderer responsible for mass death. What gives? Well, let's take a look at the difference between law and morality.

Immanuel Kant once said "In law a man is guilty when he violates the rights of others. In ethics he is guilty if he only thinks of doing so." Given that the law is a precise (as precise a possible) list while morality is infinitely complex and nuanced, it is impossible for the two to match exactly, but it is generally agreed that it is best if the law matches morality as precisely as possible with prosecutorial discretion being used to make it match even closer. But what happens when the law diverges from accepted morality?

This isn't a trick question, it's actually one of the things that happens in a society where the government is unrepresentative of its people. In America, this is happening to the greatest extreme around laws that affect corporations, where corporations are able to lobby, cajole, and bribe (there's no other word for large campaign contributions in my opinion) lawmakers into making changes to law that benefit the corporation and harm individuals. According to the law, Brian Thompson and other corporate executives have done nothing wrong, but that doesn't mean much when they're the ones who basically get to write the law in the first place.

When law diverges from broadly accepted morality, the law loses legitimacy. If there is no law against mass murder, then why should anyone obey the law against individual murder that does exist? This does not mean that morality ceases to exist, those who commit these actions may still be following clear and coherent moral codes, it simply means that the law itself is no longer respected as a guide to what is right and wrong.

The solution, of course, is for the law to come more into line with accepted morality. In order for this to happen, however, corporations are going to have to loosen their hold on our government, something they have shown no inclination of doing in the last several decades.

CAPITALISM

If you point a gun at someone and pull the trigger, are you responsible for their death? I think that one's obvious, so how about another one? If you ask someone to go on the train tracks knowing there's no way off the tracks and a train is coming, are you responsible? I think the answer is fairly clear here, so let's take another step. If you design a device intended for widespread use that has a 0.5% chance of catastrophically failing and killing someone over a 10 year span, are you responsible for the deaths that occur?

This one's a little tougher, isn't it? Doesn't it depend on what the device does, how it's marketed, and how it's used? What if the chance were 0.05%? Or 0.005%? Does that change anything?

When a person is more and more removed from the actual death, injury, or other harm caused by their actions, it's harder and harder to assign direct moral responsibility to them, isn't it? When you get to the point of sitting in a corporate board room making decisions about corporate policies, it's almost impossible for a person to feel responsible for any harm because the actual consequences of their decisions are so abstracted from what they are doing.

But let's not mince words, corporate executives, like political leaders, can be responsible for a massive amount of harm without ever directly taking action against another individual. The decision to deny coverage for a specific drug may consign thousands to pain and suffering while procedural decisions regarding the process to approve or deny any coverage at a national corporation can cause exponentially more harm than any individual action. It's worth noting that our legal system, while capable of prosecuting and punishing a single person who causes direct harm to another individual, has absolutely no ability to address the moral harm of an individual who causes mass harm through systemic means.

Now, corporate executives and the owners of the companies will say that they're required to put their fiduciary duty first, but is there any moral system you can name that would put fiduciary duty ahead of basic human morality? The fact is that we've built a system where, if you murder a single person, you'll be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law (a bit more nuance on that later, though), but if you create a system that kills thousands, there will be no consequences at all (and likely a good deal of profit).

What does this have to do with Capitalism per the title of this section? Well, contrary to popular belief, Capitalism isn't a system of supply and demand, that's just a tenet of economics, Capitalism is a system in which the means of production (Capital) are exclusively controlled by private individuals to be used for their own personal interests. Unlike in a system like Monarchism, for example, where power resides with the monarch personally and those who are given it by the monarch, or Fascism, where power resides with a specifically defined ethnonationalist group personified by a single leader, or Democracy, where power resides ultimately with the people expressed through their direct vote or representatives, in a Capitalist system, power resides with the individuals who are able to own the greatest amount of Capital who can then use that wealth to gain further power.

In other words, far from being pawns in the system who are simply carrying out fiduciary duties, the capital class, in fact, holds the power to change the system itself in our Capitalist system. Moral responsibility increases with the amount of power a person has over a given situation, and the corporate executives and major shareholders who enact harmful policies are not helpless but, in fact, have a great deal of personal power over the situation in which they are enacting policies. They're not just enacting policies for their company, but have the ability to alter the laws under which those policies are carried out.

In this way, they have much greater control over their actions and the consequences thereof than most people and, thus, greater moral responsibility. The fact that the law assigns them no responsibility at all is something that will either need to be rectified or it will lead to the delegitimization of the law itself.

PUBLIC OPINION

Honestly, the outpouring of public support for the alleged killer in this case seems to have been shocking for much of the upper class of this country, which shows how disconnected they've become from broader public opinion. The fact that the upper class doesn't realize how broadly they are hated (across party lines!) is a testament to how much effort they have put into creating a bubble around themselves that keeps out unpleasant opinions.

Look, public debate tends to focus around issues of politics, not class. The news is full of talk about trans issues, foreign policy, education policy, and a thousand other issues, but there's no real reporting on the divide between the wealthy and powerful and everyone else. There's a good reason for this, the wealthy and powerful own the news outlets and decide what topics are subject to public debate; their money protects them from uncomfortable realities.

And it's not just the news, money attracts those who want money. The person who goes to work at a job where they interact personally with a multi-millionaire or a billionaire isn't going to be the kind of person to tell them off or talk about uncomfortable things; the low-paid janitors and cleaners need the job and the middle-managers and other aides want to climb the ladder! Unless a wealthy person makes a concerted effort to seek out uncomfortable opinions, they're likely never to be exposed to them.

And, let's be clear, hatred for the wealthy and powerful is widespread across the political spectrum. Trump and the billionaires in his social circle may not think his diatribes against "elites" includes them, but the average person certainly includes them in that group. Those on the right and left of our political spectrum may have different ideas on how to address it, but I would say that the vast majority of Americans agree that corporations and the wealthy have far too much power in our society and that something needs to be done to address this. The longer this does not happen, the greater acceptance there is among the public that more extreme methods may be required.

I should also be clear here that I, personally, think that these kinds of actions are morally wrong and should be punished, but it is still important that we, especially those with the power to do something about it, are aware that my view may no longer be in the majority.

POLICING

Quick, do you know what the unsolved murder rate in New York City is? It's around 50%, 47% in 2023 according to city statistics. That's right, more than 400 of the estimated 800 murders every year in New York City will never even result in an arrest, much less a conviction, for the perpetrator. NYPD isn't unique here, FBI data shows that only about half of all murders nation-wide will actually result in an arrest.

This isn't inevitable either, the rate used to be much higher. In 1970, 85% of all reported murders resulted in the arrest of a suspect. So what happened?

Well, one thing that probably happened was that police started spending less time chasing murderers. As of 2019, LA County Sheriffs reported spending 88% of their time on officer initiated traffic stops and only 11% of that was on reasonable suspicion of a crime. In Riverside, it was 83% of their time with only 7% of that based on reasonable suspicion of a crime. In other words, cops are increasingly spending the vast majority of their time doing things other than trying to find criminals.

But what did we see recently? Well, we saw a murderer who left basically no clues as to his identity be found in less than a week due to police spending a huge amount of hours reviewing surveillance footage from around the city, searching the area around where the crime occurred, and communicating with the public to get more information. In other words, all of the things they DON'T do for the vast majority of murders in the city.

The fact that more than half of murders in NYC go unsolved isn't some immutable fact of nature, it's a result of choices made about the priorities of police time, and we've just seen that they can absolutely make a different choice and that it works! Pressure about the nature of policing in this country probably isn't going to abate anytime soon.

HEALTH INSURANCE COMPANIES

Finally, it's worth taking a moment to talk about health insurance companies and why they, more than all of the other parts of our health care system, are uniquely hated. Lots of people have made the very valid point that health insurance companies are only one part of what is an extremely dysfunctional system and that their share of the profits in this system are actually fairly small. So why all the hatred for health insurance companies instead of, say, doctors or hospitals?

Well, it's fairly simple. Doctors or hospitals may gouge you, but only health insurance companies make decisions that lead directly to denial of care. It's a matter of incentives, hospitals want to give you more stuff, as do doctors. The only part of our health care system with an incentive to deny you care or make you use less stuff is the insurance company which has to pay for all of that stuff with reduced profits.

And, look, the fact that United Healthcare is one of the most profitable companies in the country while the people it covers don't get care they need is certainly something to be concerned about, but this is bigger than just one company. Hospitals and doctors may gouge you, and that price-gouging distorts the economy and causes the systemic issues we see, but the insurance companies are the messengers here. Even if UHC was a non-profit and spent every penny it earned on patient care, it would still have to deny at least some care on the grounds that it simply does not have enough money to cover everything and that would make people dislike it.

You may be a little annoyed at the doctor who overcharges for their time or the hospital that tries to charge you $45 for a single Tylenol, but the health insurance company that refuses to cover chemotherapy for a cancer patient or a bypass for a cardiac patient or refuses to cover emergency care after the death of a loved one is likely to drive you into a fit of rage on a very different level even if all of the underlying decisions are made based on monetary issues.

Again, I'm not trying to absolve UHC or other health insurance companies, they certainly do more than enough on their own to add to the misery that is the American health care system, but there are a lot of people who are in the weeds of American health care and don't understand why the insurance companies are uniquely hated. Hopefully this helps clear that up.

[irbcallmefynn]

Okay this is a very hard post for me to make but i feel like i have to make it. I can't be quiet about this any more. I can't keep saying it where nobody will see it because i need people to see it. If the friends of anyone mentioned in this post want to send it their way, feel free. This is not a call-out post. This is an apology, and an ask for explanation.

I want to preface what I'm about to say with: I'm not mad at anyone mentioned in this post. I don't think anybody in The Creachures is. We all miss you and wish things could've worked out. I'm sorry if what I say comes off as hostile or aggressive, I'm not great at wording this sort of thing, and it's coming from a place of much emotion.

@hexedbug @juneibyou @xxthunderthedragon @bobisnotaperson @razzytism

You five have caused me a lot of stress and anxiety in not telling me what i did to hurt you. You haven't given me the opportunity to improve upon myself or correct these transgressions, or even apologize to you. I'm sure you're all at least somewhat aware of how I handle feelings like this, and I understand you not wanting to pander to me or hurt yourself by putting up with me and my Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria. But you all let me down very harshly, and I've been unable to move past what happened because of it. You've made being on Tumblr miserable, to the point you're making me consider quitting Tumblr, because being on here and seeing you constantly and feeling that sense of hatred hurts, especially when you're being closer to my friends than they are with me. I've been told you don't hate me, but it's hard to believe and accept that when, in my head, you've all decided to block me for unknown reasons, and denied me the ability to apologize.

Hexed. I understand you find what I post about weird. And I understand I was interacting with people who "dragged the server down". You're the one I understand the reasoning of the most. Not following me back because you don't like my posts is fine, though you could've just blocked tags/post content about that stuff. If I was tagging things improperly you should've told me so I could correct it, instead of letting it sit inside you until you couldn't handle it. I get I was encouraging people to vent in Tau Heximus 2, something you didn't want. But again, you should have said something, or done something. I contributed to making your server a place you didn't enjoy. I feel like you wanted both a strictly positive place, and a place where people can be honest and close, two things that don't mesh. I chose the one that I enjoyed more, a close, honest community. I'm sorry I went against your wishes.

June. When you left the server, you said that "Bug Squad" were real ones, and that you still liked us. You then went on to call us and our friends Delusional for starting a new server after the old server's death. That hurt immensely. I understand you were in an emotional place, but using a word like that is not acceptable. You also went to my girlfriend's private vent blog to target it directly. You're the only one I ever blocked, because you were being actively hateful, and betrayed my trust directly. I have since unblocked you, though, because I'm not mad at you, not anymore. You were trying to cope with what happened, and I get it. I just wish you handled things more gracefully and politely. I'm sorry for whatever I did to hurt you, besides joining a new server. Just, please, work on your emotional control some, so outbursts like this don't happen again.

Thunder. You're the one I miss the most. I felt so close to you. You almost felt like a brother to me. But the way you've been avoiding bringing up what I did to hurt you makes me feel like you either don't want me to know what i did, or don't know what I did yourself. I just wish you'd be more open to talking, so we can work things out. I'm so sorry for hurting you.

Bobbu. I thought we were still friends when you invited me to join Art and Slimes. I turned it down because I don't think I could handle a server of that size, and had already joined the new server. While we maybe weren't as close as some of the others, I still considered you a friend. I'm sorry for whatever I did.

Raz. I am so, so sorry for everything that happened. TH2 was the only place that you had found comfort and support in to such a degree, and I've been worried about how you've been without that support. I feel like you used to trust me a lot, enough to confide in me about some of your issues. I wish I knew what I did to betray that trust.

There's three others I wish to bring up that haven't hurt me as bad, but I still wish to say something to.

Mars, I'm glad we're still friends. But it feels like you're less a part of Bug Squad than you are Hexed and June's friend group. I'm always worried about the state of our friendship, since you interact with them so much more than Me, Rico, and Tetra. I just feel excluded and neglected, is all. I'm sorry.

Yaza, I don't know how to feel about you. You're clearly more of June and Hexed's friend than mine. Clearly you don't like the new server because we kept bringing this stuff up in the early days, and I'm so sorry for that. I just wish we could still be friends. Because right now it doesn't feel like you want to be my friend.

Eblu. I don't know what to think of you. You're a good guy, really. But when you say you're my friend and then turn around a few days later and say "if you're friends with [close friend of mine] don't interact with me" I have issues with that. Deciding that everyone who's friends with someone is now bad because they made a mistake is not okay. Yes, it was bad that it happened. Yes, that friend should've been more careful. You are valid for being upset by what you saw. But you don't have to declare everyone who likes that person undesirable. You took it too far.

There are two things I did that I feel I need to apologize for that I actually know of.

When Tau Heximus 2 was dying, I had said that killing the server would kill me. That was disgusting of me. I should not have said that. It was emotionally manipulative of me. I was scared, and confused, I had never experienced something like that before, the loss of somewhere that felt like home, it really felt like I was going to die, and I spoke with my heart instead of my head. If this is what I did to hurt you, I am deeply sorry for saying something so uncomfortable. I'm doing my best to keep my emotional responses under control. And I hope that should anything like that happen again, I won't have such a dramatic response.

I would also like to apologize for being so difficult to help. Whenever I'm offered advice on how to improve or fix something, I have a habit of coming up with excuses, or just flat out rejecting it. I don't mean to come off as ungrateful or opposed to your help. Stressful situations cause me to mentally shut down in a way where anything to help that takes even a slight amount of effort becomes an insurmountable task. I'm trying my best to be more receptive of help, even if it's just agreeing that it would help. I just wish I had the means and energy to actually act on the advice. I am so sorry for anyone who I've hurt by denying your help. Offering me advice does help me mentally, because it lets me know people care, but I feel terrible that I hurt people by not being able to accept and act on the help.

This isn't a call-out post. This is me asking for clarification on what I did wrong, apologizing for what I know I did, and wishing to clear things up.

Thank you for reading.

[witheredbonnie]

@randoms-random-blog-of-random since you were a coward and blocked me after whining on my post, i'm making this here for you and everyone else still defending scott cawthon in 2024 since yes i "found something" and i'm letting you know. also next time, if youre scared of debate, keep your shitty little opinions to yourself.

i made this post three years ago when scott posted it. its picking up notes again because his actions have been so washed over by people like you that there are fans today who had no idea and are discovering this for the first time. for three years his minority fans have been argued down and our feelings belittled by people like you.

this is not a reaction for notes or popularity or for "drama". scott cawthon has not changed, he has in fact doubled down on his feelings about being "cancelled" with his shitty self insert fanfiction Monster. scott cawthon didn't just make "dumb mistakes". im frankly stunned at your lack of reading comprehension, that or your willful ignorance. scott cawthon donated as much as he legally could to almost every dangerous bigot in power in the american government, and also to Trump himself, one of the biggest catalysts in the popularity of facism and radical bigotry, and who is a bigot and a rapist himself.

scott admitted in his post that he doesnt care about all of this, in fact he might agree with trump when he mentions he wants "america to be strong against its enemies" which i find interesting because if you remember the "enemies" that Trump insisted were a threat to america, it was all just racism. scott has a huge Mexican fanbase, and yet he insisted that Trump had a great foreign policy, Trump's foreign policy being that Mexicans are all drug lords and rapists. scott has a huge LGBT fanbase, and yet he insisted that actually the monsters in power who want to take our rights away are better for us

scott admitted that although other politicians have "nicer things to say" about his lgbt and minority fans, he claims to actually know whats better for us and that happens to be the american economy, not having our bodily autonomy. speaking of that, he admitted to being against the choice of abortion, he probably popped the biggest fucking bottles when Roe V Wade was overturned. and when people expressed that he was literally contributing to the oppression of 90% of his fanbase, he pretended he was being witch hunted just like his favorite president did. he cried cancel culture because he will not and probably will never actually reflect on his beliefs and actions. evangelical christians are kindof like that.

these aren't "dumb mistakes". these are purposeful, unapologetic actions he's taken to fund facism and bigotry in america. he knows this, he's an adult. he's also not just "some guy" anymore, he's a fucking billionaire. he owns probably the most popular indie IP in the world right now. we already were willing to give grace to scott's imperfections, but what cannot be tolerated is using thousands of his fans dollars directly against them. being anti choice, loving racist predators, and acting like you know better for minorities when youre a cishet white christian man is not "being imperfect", that's being a proud bigot. he and you can both pretend and delude yourselves into thinking he ~actually cares and is a nice guy~ but no one who ACTUALLY cares about basic human rights would proudly admit to literally being against them and supporting every GOP freak that is actively stripping human rights away. i dont know what more to say. if that's something you can ignore, you live with an immense amount of privilege.

also, its funny that youre asking for proof when scott's public political donations were brought up June 2021 and are the WHOLE REASON that scott even posted this on reddit in response to the backlash. it appears he's managed to scrub his own information off of opensecrets which is, fucking incredibly suspicious, but here's the original screenshot of some of his faves that he thinks are sooooo much better for minorities actually because theyll make the economy better and nothing else matters right? i cant imagine anyone who agrees with Mitch Mconnel actually gives a shit about you.

[pedroscurls]

Title: The Teacher (Part 6).

CHAPTER TITLE: A New Relationship

Character(s): Joel Miller, Reader (female, first person POV), Tommy Miller, Maria Miller Summary: You and Joel navigate this new relationship.  Word Count: 6,648 Author's Note: It’s been a tough couple of weeks, so thank you all for reading and being patient with me! Pure smut/fluff/angst (all the works) in this chapter! Continuing to develop this relationship before the more serious stuff happens. Stay tuned. Warning: SMUT! Mentions of death, flashbacks, panic attacks.

Nightmares still plagued you and Joel, but having each other every night helped you both get more sleep than what you were both used to. It had been a week since you and Joel crossed the threshold of friends to lovers and it had been an amazing, blissful week. You and Joel couldn’t get enough of each other. If you weren’t at his house, he was at yours. You were getting used to the idea of falling asleep in his arms every night. 

You were in the kitchen, holding a cup of coffee as you stared off into the distance. Joel had already left for patrol and your mind drifted to your time outside of Jackson. It felt so long ago when Maria found you and now that you had completely felt a part of the community, everything felt like they were now falling into place. 

Before Maria found you, you had come to terms with the idea of death. In fact, you didn’t fear it; instead, you were ready for it. But coming to Jackson was your second chance. You were determined to just keep your head down and contribute to the community, but you didn’t expect Joel; you didn’t expect Ellie, Tommy, or Maria. It felt like a family and after a year of being alone, you cherished it every day. 

But it still scared you. 

You had come to care about the people in Jackson, about Joel, about Ellie, Tommy, and Maria, that the thought of losing them lingered in the back of your mind. Waking every morning felt like a dream; being in Joel’s arms, being a teacher again, the feeling of safety… It just felt like it was too good to be true and you were still trying to push that thought aside. 

Joel had already witnessed a couple of your episodes– one involving him directly. Your time before coming to Jackson still haunted you and while being with Joel did help, you felt this lingering feeling in your gut that something was going to happen. You knew, or rather heard from other people, of the things that Joel had done before they came to Jackson too. You understood exactly what he did was in order to survive and you wondered if it haunted Joel too. 

If it did, he did a really good job at hiding it.

You were broken out of your reverie when you heard a knock on your door. You took a deep breath and set your mug down. There was no school today and usually, you spent your days off tidying up the school and getting ready for the following week, but you also wondered if Maria had already talked to Tommy about your proposal of a nearby abandoned school.

Opening the door, you let out a smile when you saw Maria.

“I was actually just thinking about you,” you said, opening the door and allowing her to step inside. “You want coffee?”

Maria smiled and nodded, “Sounds great.” She stepped inside and followed you into the kitchen, leaning against the counter with her arms crossed over her chest. “So…”

“So?”

“I talked to Tommy.”

You poured Maria a mug of coffee, handing it over to her and leading her to the dining table. Once you sat down, you looked over at Maria and watched her sip from her mug. 

“What did he say?”

Maria sighed. “He agrees with you, thinks it might be a good idea.”

You grinned in excitement. “Great. When can I go?”

“But, he doesn’t think you should go.”

“What?” You asked, furrowing a brow. “Why not?”

“Who’s going to do the teaching?” Maria replied.

“Maria, we can leave on a Saturday morning and be back by Monday. I can handle it.”

“We know that you can, but–”

“Do you not trust me?”

“No no, it’s not that,” Maria sighed quietly. “You just– It’s only been a month since you came to Jackson. Outside these walls–”

“I’m aware,” you replied quickly. “I haven’t forgotten what it’s like to be outside these walls, Maria.”

“Both me and Tommy agree that you shouldn’t go…”

“But I’m the one who brought it to you, so I should be able to at least check it out.”

“No,” she said. “We aren’t negotiating this. We have people whose sole job is to patrol and check out new locations. This isn’t your job.”

You wanted to scream. You wanted to yell at Maria, but for some reason, you couldn’t find your voice. You didn’t respond, moving your eyes to your lap. You needed this. You needed to be the one to check out the school; if for some reason it turned out to be a bust, you didn’t want other people’s lives in your hands, not anymore. At least if you went, if something bad were to happen, it’d happen to you and not anyone else.

Maria called your name, taking a deep breath. “I’m sorry.”

“I need to be the one that goes, Maria. Please.” 

“Why? You just got here to Jackson…”

“I just– I need this.”

Maria sighed. “Let me talk again with Tommy, but I can’t guarantee anything. Does Joel know about this?”

You cleared your throat. You hadn’t told him yet, too busy with getting to know each other’s bodies and spending more time in the bedroom. “No…”

“Well, you better let him know. If you have to convince anyone, it’s gotta be him.”

“You don’t think he’ll agree with me?”

Maria shook her head and replied, “I don’t think he’s gonna let you go.”

“Why’s that?”

She gave you a knowing smile and took another sip from her mug. “Because he cares about you and when Joel cares about someone, he’s gonna do anything and everything he can to keep them safe.”

You felt yourself blush, your mind drifting to Joel. “Well, I guess I have to convince both Miller brothers then, huh?”

“I just want you to know what you’re getting into. We don’t know that area and there are too many unknown factors and–”

“I’m aware of it all, Maria,” you reassured her. “I’ve thought about it all before proposing the idea to you. Trust me… I’m the best person for this.”

—

Tommy and Joel were making their way back to Jackson after finishing their patrol. They had encountered more infected this morning and still, they were unaware of where they were coming from. 

“So, you and the teacher, huh?” Tommy smiled.

“She got a name, y’know.” Joel said.

“I know. I just like teasin’ ya,” he laughed. “Did she tell you, by the way?”

“Tell me what?”

“That she wants to check out an abandoned school eight miles west of Jackson.”

Joel turned his head to look at his brother. This was all news to him and it scared him, not because you had hid it from him, but because of the idea of you being outside of Jackson and having to deal with so many unknowns. While they hadn’t encountered any hunters, the infected were just as big of a threat. 

“Nah,” he finally replied. “She ain’t tell me anythin’.”

“Maria and I both agree that it’s a good idea to check out, but we aren’t gonna let her go.”

Joel sighed in relief. “Thank you, Tommy.”

“You really like her, don’t you?”

Joel shrugged. “You know how it is, honeymoon phase and all.”

Tommy chuckled to himself, shaking his head. “Right, honeymoon phase.”

“We’ve been spendin’ every night with each other,” Joel admitted. “It’s easier to fall asleep when she’s next to me. And honestly, Tommy, I can’t remember a time where I’ve gotten this much good sleep.” 

“Yeah, you’re in deep, big brother,” Tommy grinned. “And it’s only been what? A week?”

“Shut up,” Joel said, cracking a small smile as his mind drifted to you and the moments you both shared so far. “I feel like I’ve known her my whole life.” He sighed. “That was cheesy as hell, sorry.”

Tommy couldn’t help but laugh. It was nice to see his older brother finally relax and let down his guard to allow someone in. What made it even better was that that someone was you. You got along with Ellie, with Maria, and himself. It had been such a long time since he had seen Joel this happy and this content. He never thought he would see this side of his older brother again after he lost Sarah. 

“You’re just expressing how you feel, Joel. Ain’t nothing wrong with that.”

“Yeah, but that ain’t me, you know?”

Tommy shrugged. “Sometimes, people bring out a side of us that’s always been there.”

Joel nodded. He understood exactly what Tommy meant. Since meeting you, Joel had opened up in ways that he never thought possible. He actually enjoyed the conversations he had with you, loved spending time with you, and he found himself wanting to tell you all about his past, before and after the outbreak. 

“She’s a good one, Joel.”

He smiled. “I know… How’d I get so lucky?”

Tommy chuckled. “Shit if I know,” he teased. “Like I said, we all deserve a second chance to live again. This one’s yours.” 

Joel and Tommy reached the gates of Jackson, nodding at the two men on watch once the gates opened. They entered the community, bringing the horses to the stables when Maria caught sight of the two men.

“We have to talk,” Maria said, looking over at Tommy.

“You ain’t gotta hide it, Maria. Joel knows. I told him.”

“Well, shit,” she replied.

“What?” Joel asked, climbing off his horse. “It’s a good idea.”

“Yeah, it is…”

“There’s a but coming, baby. What is it?” Tommy asked.

“She wants to be the one to go on the trip.”

Joel immediately looked at Maria with a hardened gaze, jaw tight, and his brow furrowing. “No.”

“Joel–”

“No, Maria. She ain’t going out there.”

“I don’t think that’s up to you,” Maria replied. “I’ve got a feeling if we don’t let her go, she’s gonna find a way to go herself anyway.”

Tommy shook his head. “She can’t do that.”

“You may not have spent as much time with her as I have, but that woman is stubborn. Once she has her mind made up, there’s no changing it.”

“So, what do you expect us to do? Let her go?” Joel asked. “No way. It’s too dangerous.”

Maria placed her hands on her hips, staring at the older man with narrowed eyes. “Might I remind you that she had been out there on her own for over a year? If anyone can handle it, it’s her.”

“Oh, so you want to let her go?” Joel added. “That it? Put her life on the line for–”

“Enough,” Tommy interrupted. “That’s enough, Joel.”

Joel let out a huff and shook his head. He had begun walking away from the couple, his mind racing as he thought about you. All he could imagine was you outside these walls, hurt… Or worse. 

“I’ll see ya later,” Joel called out to Maria and Tommy. 

Maria sighed, looking over at her husband. “I don’t want her to go, but–”

“We’ll talk about it when we get home, okay?”

—

Joel walked up the steps of your porch and knocked on your door. When you opened it, he was conflicted. While he was excited and relieved to see you, the nagging thought of you wanting to go back out there and not telling him lingered. 

“Hi, darlin’.” Joel stepped inside and shut the front door behind him. 

“I’ll get you a cup of coffee.” You were walking towards the kitchen to pour himself a mug when Joel wrapped his arms around you from behind. He reveled in your presence, feeling you push back against him and his arms tightened around you.

“Can I just– Can I just hold you for a second, darlin’?” Joel turned you around in his arms. He looked down at you, his eyes softening at the sight of you. 

“Rough patrol?” You asked, wrapping your arms around his neck. 

“Just missed you.” Joel buried his face against the side of your neck, his arms tightening around you. He let out a heavy sigh and slowly pulled away, letting his lips brush against yours lightly.

“Well, I missed you too.” You smiled, linking your hands at the base of his neck. You gently pecked his lips, pulling back to look at his features. He looked exhausted and you could tell that there was something bothering him. “Did something happen?”

Joel shook his head. “No, nothin’ happened.”

You furrowed a brow and remained in his arms, moving your hands down to rest against his chest. “Why do you look like something’s on your mind?”

“Tommy told me.” 

“Told you what?”

“Darlin’, he said you wanted to check out an abandoned school.”

You smiled. “Oh yeah. I was gonna tell you today after Maria stopped by to see me. It’s a good idea, isn’t it?”

Joel sighed. “It is, but I don’t think you should go.”

“Why not?” You asked, slowly pulling from him. 

“It’s just too dangerous.”

You sighed, stepping out of his arms. “Joel, come on.”

“What? We still don’t know where the infected are comin’ from and–”

“You know, it’s like you, Maria, and Tommy seem to forget that I was out there alone before I came to Jackson.” This seemed like it was their first fight and while it felt too early to be having one, you knew you couldn’t back down. “I’m not asking for your permission, Joel. I’m gonna go no matter what.”

Joel sighed, moving his hands to his hips as he stared at you. “It’s dangerous,” he repeated.

“Joel,” you replied. “I can handle myself.” 

“I know you can,” he sighed. “That ain’t it.”

“Then what is it, Joel? Because from where I’m standing–”

Joel let out a loud exhale and threw his hands in the air. He was exhausted and all he wanted was to hold you. He didn’t know how to say that he was scared to lose you, so instead, he grabbed his jacket and motioned towards the front door. 

“You know what, I’m just gonna go home.”

“Joel…”

“I’m tired,” he interrupted, pulling on his jacket. “I’ll talk to you later.”

“Joel,” you called out. You let out a quiet sigh when you saw him walk out the front door, not bothering to stop and pay you anymore attention. You flinched when the door shut loudly, wanting to go after him, but your feet felt like they were glued to the floor. You couldn’t move. You hadn’t expected Joel to just leave. You at least thought he would sit you down and talk with you about this, but him deciding to leave mid-conversation gave you the idea that he didn’t want anything to do with a potential argument. 

You hadn’t expected the rest of your day to be spent alone. All morning, you couldn’t wait until Joel came back from his patrol with Tommy and now, here you were, alone in your house and the nagging thoughts coming back. Being with Joel put the lingering memories at bay, your mind focused solely on him whenever he was around, but now that he wasn’t here, it engulfed you. Screaming at you, forcing you to remember things you had tried so hard to forget. 

Joel had gone home and went straight for his bedroom. For moments like this, he was glad that Ellie had her own space. He couldn’t think straight. He certainly didn’t want to argue with you, but the thoughts of losing you consumed him. The fear settled in the pit of his stomach, memories of losing Sarah, losing Tess, of almost losing Ellie flashed through his mind and he felt a heavy weight settle on his chest. It was like he couldn’t breathe, couldn’t focus, and he tried so hard to think of happier thoughts, but it wasn’t working.

Joel shut his eyes, but it only made it worse. All he could see, could feel was the grief and loss that had accumulated over the last two decades. 

He could feel Sarah taking her last breath in his arms.

He could see the look of defeat on Tess’s face when she showed him her bite. 

Joel definitely remembered the way he felt when he found out that the Fireflies were going to sacrifice Ellie for a cure that wasn’t guaranteed. 

And now, all he could think about were the endless possibilities of losing you once you were outside of the walls of Jackson. He couldn’t handle it. 

It wasn’t until he heard Ellie’s voice that he managed to catch his breath. The young girl always made a lot of noise, not aware of how truly loud she was, but in this moment, Joel was grateful. He sat at the edge of the bed and stared at the floor, focusing on his breathing as he felt some relief. He knew he shouldn’t have just left you, but he couldn’t take it, couldn’t admit to you (or himself) the fear of losing you. It had only been a month since you came to Jackson and a week since you and Joel became a couple, and it felt all too soon to be feeling this way. Right? 

Joel was in way over his head; he was never good at relationships and he still hadn’t learned his lesson, but he wanted it to be different with you. For some reason, Joel wanted to do better, be better and leaving you mid-conversation made him realize that he was reverting back to what he was used to: avoidance. 

He grabbed a pair of lounge pants and a dark colored t-shirt. Joel figured a shower would help him calm down and get in the right mindset before he made his way back over to your house. 

You, on the other hand, decided to leave your home to get some fresh air. You figured a walk around the community would help calm you down, to distract you from the nagging thoughts that continued to scream at you. You had slipped Joel’s jacket on and pulled your boots before leaving your house. You took a glance over at Joel’s home and let out a sigh, you really didn’t think you wanting to leave Jackson to check out an abandoned school would be a big deal. 

It was nearing lunch time, so Jackson was more lively. You could hear the sounds of chatter and laughter as you neared closer to the center of the community. You still couldn’t believe you were here, in a community such as this one that reminded you so much of the old world. You wondered what you did to deserve to be in a place like this and even after a month, you still felt like your luck was going to run out. That you were going to wake up and realize this was all a dream. 

You were taken out of your thoughts when you heard your name being called. You turned around to see Rosie running over to you with Jack trailing behind her. She collided with your legs, wrapping her arms around you.

“Well, hi Rosie.”

“Hi,” she giggled. 

“Sorry about that,” Jack chuckled, scooping Rosie up into his arms. “It’s my day off and this little one is definitely giving me a run for my money.”

You laughed, reaching over to poke Rosie’s side, hearing her giggle. “It’s okay, it’s no worry at all.

“Is this what you do on your days off?” Jack smiled. 

“Just needed some fresh air,” you replied with a smile. “It’s still so fascinating that we’re in a place like this, you know?”

Jack nodded in agreement. “Oh, I understand what you mean. It took me months before I could finally relax. Always felt like something was going to happen. It’s why I volunteered to do patrols, gives me some sense of an idea of what’s happening outside of these walls.”

“You don’t ever get scared?” You asked, furrowing a brow. 

“Always. Every time I leave Rosie, I’m always scared.”

“Then why choose to do patrols?”

Jack shrugged. “I don’t know what else I’d be good at, truthfully.” 

“Oh, that isn’t true, is it?”

“I was in the military before all of this. A retired veteran by the time of the outbreak. I’m used to the chaos, used to putting my life on the line for people.”

“Well, it’s much appreciated. Rosie’s lucky to have you.”

Jack chuckled. “I think it’s the other way around.”

Rosie smiled between the both of you and pointed over at the school. “I really love school,” she said. “It’s so fun.”

You smiled, feeling your heart swell at the thought of the kids enjoying school, especially in a world such as this where learning the basics wasn’t required anymore. “Well, I’m glad you enjoy it. I love being your teacher.”

“You are the best,” she smiled. “Are we gonna draw more pictures on Monday?”

You nodded. “Oh, there’s always time to draw pictures.”

Jack smiled in your direction and then pointed towards the stables. “I promised this one we’d get to see the horses today, so we better get going.”

“Of course. Have a good day, Rosie and it was great seeing you again, Jack.”

“Have a good rest of your day too,” he smiled, walking past you and heading towards the stables. 

You continued to walk around the community before deciding to make your way back home. Your mind drifted to Joel, trying to understand where he was coming from. Maybe he was afraid that you were going to have one of your episodes while you were outside of the walls of Jackson because you couldn’t fathom to think that maybe he was also afraid of losing you. It was too early in the relationship, wasn’t it? 

When your house came to view, you saw Joel leaving his and stopped in his tracks when he saw you. You bit your lower lip and noticed how comfortable he was dressed, certainly different than what he usually wore. You both walked towards each other and before he could say anything, you threw your arms around him and enveloped him in a tight embrace.

“I don’t like arguing with you,” you whispered.

“Me neither,” Joel replied, his arms immediately wrapping around your frame. “I’m not– I ain’t used to talkin’ about my feelings.”

“What a coincidence, same here.”

Joel cracked a smile, pulling back to peck your lips. “Can we go inside?”

You nodded, pulling away and taking his hand. You led him up the stairs of your porch and unlocked your door. Joel shut it behind him and grabbed your hips, turning you around to face him.

“I’m sorry,” he said. 

“It’s okay,” you sighed. 

“It ain’t,” Joel shook his head. 

“Joel, it’s fine.”

He just sighed. Didn’t have it in him to say otherwise, so instead, he just buried his face against the crook of your neck and tightened his hold around your frame. You had gotten to know more about Joel and while he was right that he doesn’t normally talk about what’s bothering him, his actions and his body language told you exactly what he wanted to say, but couldn’t. 

Right now, you could feel how concerned he was with the way his arms were tight around your frame. You didn’t know what to say, how to comfort him, so you just kept a tight hold onto him too. 

Maybe he couldn’t say it, but you certainly had no problem admitting that you were afraid whenever Joel went on patrol. It wasn’t that you thought he couldn’t handle himself, it was the lingering thought that you could lose him at any time. It was scary and it weighed heavy on your shoulders and while you always told him to be safe every morning he went on patrol, there was a hidden meaning behind it. 

I don’t want to lose you. Be careful and come home in one piece.

But you could never bring yourself up to say it. It felt too soon, but the way he made you feel had you reflecting on the possibility that you were falling for him. Fast. And it was a terrifying thought because caring about someone in this new world also came with a dark shadow looming overhead, that one day, luck was going to run out and it could happen at any moment. 

“You wanna go lie down?” You asked.

Joel nodded, pulling back to look down at you. He brought his hands to your cheeks, cupping them gently and brushing his thumbs against you. “I’d like that, darlin’.”

You took his hand and led him down the hallway and to your bedroom. You could feel the tension in the air, the unspoken feeling from the both of you, neither your or Joel admitting the fear that you both had been feeling since meeting. 

“I like this look on you,” you smiled, lying on your bed and pulling him down with you. 

Joel chuckled, lying down and pulling you instantly into his arms. “Yeah?”

“Yeah, you look… Relaxed. I mean, you look good also in your jeans and denim button up, but this… It’s a nice change.”

He smiled, placing a soft kiss on the top of your head. “I suppose it’s because I am relaxed, with you at least.”

“Me too,” you replied. You buried your face against him, shutting your eyes and inhaling the scent on his shirt. 

“I– I’m sorry,” Joel repeated. “I just–”

“You don’t have to say it,” you interrupted. Part of you didn’t want him to because you knew it was just going to solidify and confirm how you were feeling and the deeper you were falling for him, the more it was going to hurt if anything bad were to happen to him. 

“But–”

You shook your head. “I know already…”

“You do?” Joel asked with a furrowed brow. 

“It’s because I feel the same way.” 

You stared up at Joel, holding eye contact as you watched his eyes soften and his brows relax. Neither of you could say it out loud, but looking at him, feeling his arms tighten around you was enough for you.

For once in his life, Joel understood the meaning of “butterflies in your tummy” because as he was looking at you, he felt an intense amount of bliss wash over him. While the fear lingered, the happiness and contentment he felt at the moment overpowered it. 

As you both were looking at each other, you inched closer and let a small smile line your lips. 

You knew how he felt. Joel knew how you felt. 

It was mutual.

I’m scared to lose you. 

But I want this. I want you. I want us. 

“If Tommy lets you go on that trip,” Joel whispered. “I’m comin’ with you.”

Your eyes slightly widened, immediately beginning to object and shake your head. “Joel, no.”

“You know, you ain’t the only stubborn one. I’m comin’ with you.”

“Okay,” you said. All of a sudden an onslaught of concerns filled your mind. You hadn’t been with anyone outside of these walls in so long and while you and Joel were great together in Jackson, you weren’t sure if it was going to change once you both were outside the comfort of this community.

You needed to be honest. You needed to get this heavy weight off your shoulders, the same weight that you had been carrying for years. You needed him to know. 

“Joel…”

“Yeah, darlin’?”

“The things I did out there, on my own or with certain groups…” You let out a heavy sigh and dropped your eyes, not wanting to look at him anymore. 

Joel furrowed a brow. He wasn’t sure what you were trying to say, but he could sense how difficult this was. He could see an invisible guard being put up and how you had lowered your eyes and were slowly pulling away from him. 

“I’m damaged. I’m broken. I’ve hurt so many people,” you whispered. “Killed so many others and I’m just waiting for my turn…” 

Joel sighed heavily. He understood exactly what you meant and realized how easily he could relate. Before Jackson and before Ellie, Joel knew he wasn’t a good man. Smuggling, killing, torturing… All for the sake of survival. 

Losing Sarah had broken his soul, had tainted his moral compass. For the past twenty years, Joel was also just waiting for his turn. 

But now, with you, he felt like he deserved to be happy again. It had taken him a while to understand that even he deserved happiness and love, but when he finally opened himself up to it, Joel learned it was the best decision he could have ever made since the world ended. 

“Darlin’,” he finally replied, cupping your cheek. Joel felt you lean against his touch, slowly looking up at him with teary eyes. “You did what you needed to do to survive. We all did,” he said quietly. Thoughts and memories of his time before Ellie flashed in his mind and he cleared his throat. 

“Maybe,” you said, unconvinced. 

“You ever hear about smugglers?” Joel asked. He was taking a risk by being honest with you and while he was scared of the potential judgment, there was also a part of him that wanted to admit and be completely transparent with you. 

“Yeah, heard rumors, encountered a few,” you answered. 

“Well, before Ellie, I was a smuggler,” Joel admitted. “I’ve done some unthinkable things too and it haunts me to this day.”

You bit your lower lip. So, the rumors that you heard around Jackson were true. Yet, here you were, supposed to be afraid of Joel and the things he was capable of, but all you could feel was a sense of safety. It had always been like that. 

Joel continued, “All for survival, right?”

“Seems like we’re both two broken people,” you said with a sigh. “Think we can help each other finally heal?”

Joel leaned closer, his lips inches from yours. “I think you’re already helping me heal, baby.” 

You felt as if your heart could leap out of your chest. A blush slowly crept along your neck to your cheeks and you pulled Joel on top of you, parting your legs for him to settle between them. You looked up at him, running your fingertips along his chest as he propped himself up with two hands at either side of your head. 

“With you, everything seems to melt away,” you whispered. 

Joel let out a contented sigh and smiled, leaning down. “The feeling is mutual, darlin’.” Then, he pressed his lips against yours. 

You hummed in approval, moving your hands to grab the ends of his shirt, playing with the hem of the fabric as you moved your lips against his. Joel was just such an amazing kisser that it always left you breathless and wanting more. The way his lips moved against yours, nipping gently, teasing you with his tongue, the arousal shot straight through you and down to your lower half. 

You needed him. 

Just as badly as he needed you. 

Kissing you never lasted long before his manhood would stir awake, slowly beginning to push against the fabric of his pants. This time, though, he wanted to take his time. Joel had slowly opened up to you and while it wasn’t everything in his past, it was a start. The fact that you hadn’t run away yet or cast a judgment on him and the things he did made him grateful. It just made him want to be an even better man for you. 

Joel moved one hand down to your side, gripping your hip tightly as his hips began to grind against you, yearning for friction. When he heard you let out a quiet moan, Joel pulled away only to nip along your jawline. 

You could feel Joel’s excitement immediately. The wetness settled between your legs and when he began placing kisses, biting at your skin along your jawline down to your neck, you gently wrapped your legs around his waist and pulled his shirt over his head. 

You would never get tired of seeing him and his body. His strong, muscular frame littered with scars that you were sure had a story to each one. You looked at him with admiring eyes, grateful and lucky to be with someone like him. 

Joel had always been self-conscious about his scars. He always felt like he had to explain each one, but with you, he didn’t need to. When he felt you kiss a few of his scars, it was an unspoken feeling that Joel was experiencing. You didn’t push, didn’t pry, but instead, through your actions, showed him that when he was ready to talk about it, you’d be there. 

He then undid the button on your pants, slowly pulling them away from your legs. Joel also made sure to keep a hold on your underwear so that when he pulled your pants away, so did your undergarments. Your lower half laid bare for him and he growled at the sight. Joel sat up, leaning back against his legs as he watched you remove your shirt and undo your bra. Once you were fully naked, lying before him with your hair splayed out against the pillows, Joel felt like he was in heaven. 

He could have died at this moment and he would be content. 

You stared up at him, feeling once more like the most beautiful person he had ever seen. You, too, had scars on your body that you weren’t yet ready to talk about and Joel gave you the same consideration and didn’t pry further. Instead, his fingertips ran over them gently, almost as if he was healing you from the memories that came with it. 

Joel then removed his pants, revealing that he hadn’t worn any underwear beneath his lounge pants. When he looked back at you, he let out a quiet chuckle.

“What?”

“You weren’t wearing underwear this entire time?”

Joel smirked, settling himself back between your legs as his erected manhood brushed against your wet slit. 

“Not with those pants, no.” Joel grasped his member, tugging on it a couple of times before he lined his tip between your folds. 

“Well, from now on, I request you wear those pants only whenever you come over.” You managed to say, looking up at him as you felt his tip slowly enter you before he pulled out. 

“Only if you say please,” he winked.

“Please,” you begged. Not only for him to wear no underwear from now on, but also for him to just slide back into you.

Joel growled lowly under his breath. He slowly slid back into you, feeling your walls wrap around his throbbing length almost instantly. The warmth of your walls, the slickness of your heat allowed Joel to delve further into you, all the way to the hilt. 

You let out a loud moan, your hands immediately coming up to wrap around his arms. You figured you would never get used to his girth, stretching you from the inside in the best way possible. When he filled you entirely, you felt like you could burst. 

“Joel,” you moaned, fingernails digging into the skin at his triceps. “Please…”

He always felt so proud of himself, to be able to put you in an immediate state of pleasure. Joel slowly moved his hips, pulling out to the tip and thrusting back into you. He watched as your eyes fell shut, your mouth open to let out a stream of quiet moans. You were beautiful. 

Joel’s rhythm began to pick up in speed. The sounds of your moans mixed with the sounds of skin slapping against one another. The bed gently and repeatedly hit the wall with each thrust and you knew you were close, could feel yourself tightening even further around him. 

He wrapped an arm around you, bringing you flush against him before Joel felt you roll them over until he was on his back. As you straddled his waist and fixed your position, you felt full of him once more. 

Joel, on the other hand, enjoyed the view. He reached up and ran his hand along your abdomen and up to your breast, kneading it in his palm. Joel wanted more, couldn’t get enough of you, so he sat up and used his free arm to wrap around your waist. He leaned in, attaching his lips to one of your nipples and sucked gently, flicking his tongue repeatedly against you. 

The sensations of pleasure were becoming too much and you wrapped your arms around his shoulders as your hips began to roll against his, quickly and expertly. The hair at his base repeatedly caused the right amount of friction against your clit, bringing you closer and closer to your climax.

Joel loved this side of you, seeing you so dominant and using him and his body in a way only you can. He pulled back, his hands moving to your hips as he watched you toss your head back in a state of pleasure and your hips rolling repeatedly against his. 

God, you were riding him like your life depended on it and he was enjoying every second. 

“You’re so beautiful,” he whispered, his hands moving to grasp your backside tight in his grip. Joel slowly stopped your movements to lift you up and down his length, letting out a loud groan at this new sensation and position. 

He wanted more.

“Joel,” you moaned, following his movements before you grabbed his hands and gently pushed him so that he was lying back down. You pinned his hands above his head, staring deeply into his eyes as you continuously moved your hips, repeatedly bouncing on his length.

“Fuck,” he groaned, lacing your fingers together. Joel was at your mercy and he felt himself get nearer and nearer to release. “Come for me, baby.”

That was all it took. Your grip on his hands tightened and you slammed yourself down onto his hardened member before you felt yourself reach your high. Your body slightly shook as the pleasure overtook your entire frame, legs shaky, eyes shut, mouth agape. 

Joel growled and managed to slip his hands out of your own. He grasped your hips tightly and lifted you slightly to give him room to thrust hard and fast upwards. His skin slapped against yours and you felt yourself nearing another climax. You felt like your body couldn’t handle another one, but Joel thought otherwise. 

The man was determined.

He watched as your breasts bounced with each upwards thrust, listened to the sounds of your moans, your pleading Joel, I can’t… It’s too much. 

But before he could make sure you were okay, he felt you lean forward as your body shook once more and your walls tightened even further around him. He would never get tired of hearing his name leave your lips in a state of absolute pleasure. 

Joel continued to ram himself upwards before he finally brought you back down onto him, releasing his warm release within your depths. 

You were both breathing heavily, bodies slightly sticky from the sweat, but overall, you were both satisfied. 

The fear had taken a backseat. 

Joel looked up at you, gently pushing your hair away from your face and realized how deep he was falling for you.

You had given him the same look, a small smile and soft eyes. 

Neither of you could say it out loud, but the looks you two were sharing was enough for both of you to understand what the other was feeling.

I love you and I am never letting you go.

---

Part 7.

Taglist (let me know if you'd like to be tagged!): @rye-flower, @3zae-zae3, @orangevtae, @flippittygibbitts, @blairfox04, @ohthemisssery, @avengersfan25, @somebodytookmyusername, @littleshadow17, @beltzboys2015-blog, @swimmjacket, @corpsebridenightamare, @thelightnessofthebeing, @dorck26, @ashlynn-crayons, @sexytholland​, @surazim​, @cedricbitch​, @cali-ko, @lasthongos​

[sleepingpopplio]

Izuku Midoriya and confronting a complicated past— an analysis

With the upcoming arc in the anime about to come after next week’s episode, I think that it’s important to talk about Izuku as a character, and everything that has led him to this moment and this particular arc in the series. While there is a lot going on in that Kid’s head, most of the things that directly cause Deku to act the way he does during his vigilante time has been left unsaid and up to the reader to pick up on. This could be seen as sloppy writing, but it could also be seen as a great use of subtlety to create a slow downward spiral for our protagonist that can be incredibly rewarding for readers who take the time to do some extra sleuthing. So before the arc begins, and before the inevitable controversy on whether or not the arc was rushed or came out of nowhere, how about we take a close look at Izuku Midoriya as a character and his depth that is often ignored. Let’s take a peek at how his entire arc is filled with tragedy, hope, and the importance of confronting one’s past. Sit back, grab a snack, and enjoy my first in depth BNHA analysis where I hope to give manga readers who are currently watching the anime some added perspective. Also disclaimer: I love all the characters in this series and will not be bashing on any of them, as I feel as though it would be undermining the messages of the story and the depth of the characters. Nothing I say is meant to be putting down any characters and I am not blaming any single character for Izuku’s struggles. All fans of any characters are safe and welcome to enjoy this.

At the beginning of the series during the very first line from our protagonist, which is something that is supposed to help the audience understand the type of story they are about to read— Izuku says “people are not born equal”. He also states that he learned that fact at the young age of four years old. From the very beginning, Deku was made to believe that he is less than everyone else. Less than those with quirks, and therefore less of a human. Quirks, literally translated from Japanese, mean individuality. To be quirkless, in the eyes of MHA’s society, is to be without a soul. Or at least, that is what can be understood by a small child who simply wants to belong. Therefore, deku internalizes form a young age that he inherently has less value as a quirkless boy, and such internalizing severely damages his perception of himself for the rest of the series. He’s a useless deku that does not have much to contribute. However, during the very same first scene we also see Izuku fighting back against the kids trying to beat him up. Despite the odds stacked against him, Izuku midoriya is determined to prove himself. He’s determined to prove to others, and to himself, that he has value. He is also determined to keep moving forward despite society seemingly turning him away. But children need time to process their emotions. They need time to learn and talk through the issues they’re facing. Izuku does not do that. He keeps fighting, he keeps wanting to be a hero, but he doesn’t talk to any adult around him about how he feels. He doesn’t get told that he is perfect the way he is, or that he doesn’t have to prove anything. What happens when such insecurities and trauma are not given the space to heal at an early age? Well let’s move forward a few years…

When Deku meets all might, and demonstrates his innate and pure heroism when he runs to save Bakugo from the sludge villain, he is offered a once an a lifetime chance: One For All. He is told that he can become a hero, and is aided in training to use the quirk and get into UA. By this point, Izuku’s self esteem issues that stemmed from his childhood and the the perception of quirklessness that was placed upon him by the world around him have only grown. He wants to be a hero, but he also has become quiet and reserved, as he thinks of himself more as an afterthought. He wants to help people, because he cares and he is a kind hearted individual, but also because he want to be useful. He has to be a useful hero, but how? The quirk of One For All thus represents a way to be useful in the way that Izuku thinks is correct, which is by being a quirked individual. So what happens when you give a kid with extreme self esteem issues, and who views himself as flawed for simply being himself, a very powerful quirk along side the opportunity to become a hero? That child latched onto the quirk like a lifeline. They have to make good use of their new quirk; they have to utilize the blessing granted to them or else they will remain useless and will be left behind. Izuku will work hard to earn his quirk because he feels as though he is unworthy, even though he already proved himself the second that his body moved on its own. Therefore, the second Izuku is given his quirk, he begins the cycle of using it as an unhealthy coping mechanism and source of validation. He is more hopeful than ever when given the quirk, but his unhealthy mindset is also given the power to run rampant. This is the story of a boy becoming the greatest hero he says, so early on in the series, but it also of a boy desperately trying to become more than he currently is, for better and for worse.

This then leads to the beginning of his time at UA, where Izuku, in addition to clinging onto his quirk as a replacement for his self esteem, begins reclaiming the meaning of his nickname Deku. “Deku is the name of a hero” he declares, and while taking back the power from his former bully and standing up for himself is an incredibly uplifting moment or Izuku in the beginning of the manga, there is another side of the coin that is the reclamation of Deku. Izuku Midoriya feels as though he has to be the new, hero Deku, or else there is nothing else worthwhile about him. He has to prove himself as a true hero or else he’ll have to go back to the old, useless Deku…He’ll forever be left behind. So, he breaks himself. Over, and over, and over again. The hero named Deku breaks his limbs time and time again, because if he doesn’t push himself to the brink, then he hasn’t done enough, and therefore he has failed the quirk that he was blessed with and failed the people who have helped him. The sentiment that he needs to hurt himself, or even nearly get himself killed, is incredibly concerning and could even be seen as suicidal ideology. Furthermore, this ideology creates an intense fear that follows Izuku wherever he goes, and even causes him to blame himself in scenarios where it’s not his fault at all, such as the summer camp arc where he was nearly killed by muscular, yet still beats himself up over Bakugo’s capture.

Another development that occurs at the beginning of Izuku’s time at UA is the start of an insurmountable amount of pressure being placed on his shoulders. When Izuku first received One For All, he was told that he could use the quirk to achieve his dreams of being a hero. He knew nothing of its past, and was given no indication that he had to live up to it. Yet, during the tournament arc Allmight begins mentioning the idea of Izuku becoming the next symbol of peace. While an honor to have, being the number one hero and an international symbol was not what Izuku, a fourteen year old kid at the time of the sludge villian attack, signed up for. Yet, he takes on the responsibility with a nervous smile on his face, and the shadow of all might begins following him. Next, he learned about the horrifying figure that is All For One, and Izuku is told that he may have to fight him one day; He may have to fight someone that he had previously thought to be nothing more than an urban legend. The child who wanted to become a hero now has to be prepared to fight the demon lord. Moreover, these revelations begin the process of Izuku placing more and more pressure on himself to be the best hero possible. He cannot afford to make a mistake. He cannot afford to be useless, because the legacy of One For All demands that he be exceptional. Afterall, he’s the ninth user. Do the wants of Izuku Midoriya really matter more than the fate of the world?

During all of this, Izuku slowly becomes more comfortable with his quirk, and grows in confidence. He truly becomes equals with Bakugo and works with him to mend their relationship, and he also develops his shoot style in an effort to move away from imitating All might. These things are all possible development for Izuku’s character and also gradually take place as the series goes on. After so many years of being quiet, he finally opens himself up again; He opens himself up to love from his peers, and opens himself up to new experiences. He also becomes more willing to talk back to others, as demonstrated by his attitude towards Endeavor, and later his more frequent and friendly banter with Bakugo. However, the self esteem issues and insecurities never go away, and Deku still breaks himself every chance he gets. The pressure also still continues to build as Allmight retires, and Izuku becomes truly trapped in his role as the successor. He accepts his role, and is happy to be serving others, but Allmight’s retirement leaves a void that Izuku feels as though there is no one else left to fill but himself. There’s no backing out now, and Izuku’s quirk development now has to speed up or else he will never be able to fill that void. He also witnesses the might of All For One in person, and the nightmare of him having to face the demon lord becomes even more of a reality. Through all of this, Izuku still refuses to talk about his feelings with his peers or the adults around him, and instead he decides to keep marching forward without taking any time to let himself, or his mind, rest. The only sliver of hope for Izuku’s mental well-being is the fact that he still allows himself to cry. Therefore, the shadow of responsibility that followed Izuku morphs into a massive weight on his shoulders that helps to steer his development backwards and into character regression.

Izuku’s mental health then takes a turn for the worst after the Overhaul arc, which was also a turning point for the series with its dark tone. As Izuku sees for himself the real horrors of the criminal underground, he once again blames himself for Eri’s circumstances and his inability to save someone. Through this experience, Izuku becomes so entrenched in the idea of becoming the perfect hero that he even begins denying himself the right to cry. He says that “heroes don’t cry”, and other characters such as Todoroki are shocked at the statement by their friend. Crying was one of Deku’s last healthy coping mechanisms, and he loses that too. Nighteye’s death cements this fact, as it is actually the last time that Deku sincerely cries in series, before the end of vigilante arc. All other times that he cries moving forward form this point are played off as gags, and thus Izuku represses his emotions to an extent that is even foreign to him, as someone who has been suppressing his emotions since he was a small child. It should also be noted that this arc highlight’s Deku’s uncertainty as a holder of One For All. This shows that no matter how much Deku’s confidence improves, he will continuously view himself as not good enough and fear the return of the former “useless” Deku. In addition, the overhaul arc also highlights Izuku’s loss of innocence. As I said before, Izuku is exposed to the true cruelties & horrors of the villian underground, but this development is not new. Dating back to the Stain arc, Izuku has been gradually losing more and more of his innocence. Even when he endured a very difficult childhood, Deku was at least able to told onto hope and be optimistic for the future, but being thrusted into the world of heroes takes the bright eyes boy and chips away at his soul. He keeps going, because as always he refuses to give himself time to heal, but the Izuku at the end of the Overhaul arc is not the same person as we was when he first enrolled in UA, and he never will be again. The fear, responsibility, and loss of innocence all culminate to send the mental health of Izuku Midoriya into a free fall, but he would never admit it. Instead, he keeps on smiling.

We are getting close to the vigilante arc (I hope you’ve been enjoying this so far!), but one final significant development in Izuku’s mental state occurs during the Class 1-A and Class 2-A training session, where he is once again given responsibilities that he never asked for. At this point, Izuku’s confidence has grown exponentially, but on further inspection much of that confidence seems to be misplaced. You see, while Izuku becomes extremely confident in his use of One For All, he still remains insecure about himself as an individual. He still lives in fear of being useless, and constantly needs to prove himself. This is because Izuku Midoriya the individual is being slowly left behind, while the Deku the hero becomes comfortable with his quirk because if he can’t master his quirk then he has nothing. He is nothing… Then Blackwhip appears, and Izuku has to relearn his quirk even though he had already been working fro months to get to to the place he’s currently at. It feels like a slap to the face, but now that Izuku has now more formally met the vestiges, he’s given no choice but to accept his new quirks in addition to his role in “completing One For All,” as The 1st user puts it. Izuku Midoriya fades even more, the incredible amount of responsibility grows even more, and the hero Deku sees himself as nothing else but the ninth holder. Most of this understanding of Izuku’s mental state is not actually spoken of out loud in the manga/anime, but the context clues of the events leading up to this moment (as shown by all the writing before this), Izuku’s facial expressions, and the events afterward help strip away the smile that Izuku is so determined to keep on his face almost the entire arc and show high Izuku’s walls have grown around his internal anguish. Therefore, the metaphorical vault shown that Izuku uses to lock away his quirks is also used to lock away his emotions once and for all. The only leak in this facade that we have until the end of the vigilante arc is…

Izuku’s character regression has already been set in stone by the time the war arc comes around, but what is important to note is how his repressed emotions manifest in the form of his intense rage. We’ve seen this before, with how Izuku becomes incredibly intimidating and unhinged during his fights with villains such as Muscular and Stain. All For One’s theme even plays in the anime as Izuku fights Overhaul to represent how monstrous he is int eh eyes of villains during battle. The difference during this arc is that other characters are finally catching on to just how toxic Izuku’s ideology has become. Bakugo in particular takes takes note of just how not ok it is for Izuku to not take himself into account, and shows visible concern while Izuku fights with Shigaraki in the air. Not only is Izuku being destructive to himself, but he also lashes out so harshly that is seems though he intends to kill Shigaraki in the moment. But to Izuku, he has no other choice. He is Deku, a hero, and the Deku who always does his best. Deku himself veery clearly states during this arc that he will no longer be the useless deku, and with that statement he resolves to kill the remnants of Izuku Midoriya, the quirkiness kid with bright eyes, himself. He cannot afford to be useless. He refuses. He will kill himself during this fight with Shigaraki if that’s what it takes to be a hero who saves everyone and a hero who is worthy of being the ninth holder of one for all. Finally, everything has come full circle, and the name Deku starts as something negative, then is given hope to become something positive, but then once again becomes a toxic image within Izuku’s life. That is why it is so important when Izuku is called by his first name in the vigilante arc— because Izuku Midoriya, both the quirkiness child and the current person, are deserving of love and have value beyond their quirk. Izuku is more than One For All, but unfortunately all of his repressed emotions that have been highlighted throughout this entire analysis have to explode out of him in order for him to heal. In addition, Deku and the repression of his emotions has led him to push everyone else away, even back when he was smiling nonstop. The war arc simply showcases ho bad that seclusion has gotten, and that when it comes down to it Deku will purposely exclude his peers in order to suffer alone.

Izuku, in the vigilante arc, will simply be the ninth holder of One For All, whose only purpose and value lies in defeating All For One himself. Furthermore, at the center of this entire discussion, is the fact that Izuku is afraid of his past. All of his self esteem issues come from such a young age, and yet he does not know what else to do besides run from it. Izuku Midoriya is a character that is so defined by his past, yet is so desperate to escape it. Therefore, he will need to be reminded by his loved ones that the cycle of trauma that he has endured throughout his life does not have to continue. He can choose his own way. He is not shackled by his past, and thus healing is possible. It’s not too late, and all he needs is his friends to remind him of why he is loved for his heart, and not his quirk. Therefore there is no singular character that got through to Deku. All of 1-A saved the boy who was so desperate to save anyone but himself.

With that said…

Deku’s entire arc throughout the series leading up to the vigilante arc has been filled with regression, in the sense that the heros around him place more and more pressure on him to the point that he does not consider himself human, but rather a tool that has no value outside of One For All. This is the story of a boy that becomes the greatest hero, but also of a boy that was stripped of his innocence and beaten down by a system that rejected him since the beginning, yet he still dreamed of being a part of. The entire vigilante/villain hunt arc brings together all of the pent up pain and self-loathing that has been following him since the beginning of the series, and shows how everything that he’s been hiding has finally caught up to him. The pain and trauma that we see from Izuku in this arc was always there, and all it took was the war arc to trigger it to come forward. In conclusion, Izuku Midoriya is an extremely complicated character who has been on a fascinating downward spiral since the beginning of the series, and if readers can take the time to see how he got to where he is, then maybe we can at least better understand the context behind the vigilante/villain hunt arc, and the complexity behind My Hero Academia’s protagonist.

Credit to @mettywiththenotes for having the post that inspired this essay, and that I originally had the conclusion of this analysis posted under as a reblog. Also credit to @pikahlua’s mha discord server that I’m in for encouraging me to write this!!!

[butts-bouncing-on-the-beltway]

I have a really hard time on Tumblr sometimes and I have this issue with a lot of people and places so it's hardly tumblr specific, but it's also really hard to describe/convey to others. Let me try to scaffold it out

I spent my entire childhood being called an anxious person, and being forced to keep my anxiety internal, and this is overall really bad for me

The one useful tool I was ever given for BOTH reducing externally visible distress AND total distress is to pair anxious/distressing and "strengths based" thoughts. Whenever I say or think something related to distress, I take a moment to reframe the thought into a pair of thoughts - one non-judgemental observation of the need speaking through my distress/how I might meet it, and one non-judgemental acknowledgement of my feelings. It's energy intensive, and it takes a while to learn how to do it in a way that is clarifying rather than erasive. But it genuinely always makes me feel like I have a better handle on things, like I'm less inclined to spiral or end up with a disrupted mood or function, and also now consistently get **the opposite** commentary about being a very positive person who's good at conveying and opening up that positivity for others (at least in my professional life)

There are some people who take my doing this as an invitation to argue with me about why, actually, the distressing stuff IS VALID AND RIGHT AS A FRAMEWORK rather than understanding why I might be shifting away from it. You'd think this would happen most when I talk to other people and "reframe" something they've said, but actually this happens the most often after I have just finished expressing my own thoughts about a thing and someone seems to decide that "framed in a functional way" is equivalent to "hasn't thought enough about the problem areas" and start going off about all the "bad" or "hard" or whatever parts of a thing.

I cannot argue BACK with these people when they do this, because arguing back is dragging me back into a headspace that directly contributes to my suicidality, however side-stepping the issue by CONTINUING to insist on framing things the way I do often leads to them REPEATING their points in different ways in an attempt to "convince" me or "correct my misunderstanding" and I kinda have to be like. Not a misunderstanding. I know what you said and am simply not sharing that space with you. Why is it so uncomfortable for you that we are on different pages about this thing that you feel the need to force me into a distressing place for me rather than move on now that we've both shared our thoughts on the matter?

I can only spend so much of my time around a person rigidly reinforcing my own protective cognitions before I just. I can't talk to them anymore. I need to leave and do other things in other spaces with people who can talk to me about things from the same strengths-based perspective for a while

A lot of people use this to accuse me of spending time in echo chambers because they LITERALLY CANNOT FATHOM a space in which one can be critical of a thing without explicitly being "negative" about it, and assume that if everyone in a space is coming from a strengths based perspective that they're all uncritical fans or at least don't criticise in that space. This is just an objectively untrue assumption and I actually vastly prefer the constructive criticism of things within those strengths-based spaces

You can't ask people to stop doing this, or make them believe (if they don't already) the impact this might be having on your mental health, and if you try, people take it VERY personally and will start being MORE "negative" about EVERYTHING they say without even realizing it (saying "positive" things about one thing directly by "pulling down" something else, using satirical praise language like "fuck you" or "i can't stand it I'm going to die" or etc to refer to things they are happy with/enjoying/liking/etc, pivoting off your "positives" with immediate "negatives", etc) which makes the dynamic more intensive to cope with for me. Even when I try to convey this stuff to someone or point out examples, it quickly worsens the issue to the point that it's literally better for me to stop doing so and go back to quietly exiting when I'm overwhelmed.

A lot of people, when all this is discussed for them, will say something to the effect of "this is how I enjoy things I love!" And I get that. I do. But why? Why is the only way you are able to enjoy a thing by putting it or something else down? If it were ONE OF THE WAYS you enjoyed things, I'd 100% get that, and have no issue with it! I do wish that it was more common for groups of people to just enjoy things "unironically" tho, because it's a space I have a much easier time existing comfortably in, and those spaces being hard to find and maintain is part of why I struggle to socialize much. It's hard for me (literally, in terms of asking more effort of me, and emotionally in terms of the impact it has on my mood) to be around people whose only access to enjoyment is to insult, belittle, or point out the problems in something. It makes me sad not to spend as much time as I'd like to with people I like because of this incompatibility, and it makes me frustrated that I have never found a way of sharing with others what is happening in this dynamic in a way that has any concrete impact on the outcome. I have sort of learned to just NOT share it with others and instead do all the heavy listing of navigating the issue on other people's behalf and taking breaks when I can no longer do that so that I can keep relationships or spaces or conversations that are important to me.

Tumblr is, to put it mildly, almost nothing but this dynamic. So despite being a system I am most suited to in terms of posting options, conversation topics, access formats, etc, Tumblr is a space I feel best taking regular breaks from.

Tumblr is far from the epitome of this in my life. But it's a space where I see the most. I want to say etiquette? Social "respect" indicators? Built around this kind of behavior/framework. Like. Tumblr is a space of differing social contexts, but a lot of the connected ones across subcultures on the platform are informed by this framework because it is non-ideological and so gets conveyed as a more universalizably etiquette system I think. So there's a lot of like. Expectations of how you interact with others here that default this framework (for very functional reasons I think lol, i just don't know that it was done on purpose rather than sort of stumbled into?) are really normalized in a way that is especially risky for me given how much work I have to put into resisting this framework on a personal level

I often feel very lonely, because I have found a degree of distance that gets built into my dynamics with people. Throughout my life, there have been people who put me up on a pedastal, and people who set me far below them in capacity and cannot fathom my functionality, and of course people who manage both at once in different areas. But it's been hard to build and maintain relationships where I trust I am seen specifically as a peer and where this anxiety/complaint oriented framework is not one of the dominant cultural forces in play socially.

There are gaps in all this still in my brain, but. I dunno, I get tired sometimes. I wish I had a space in my life where I felt fully seen and where I could just sort of sit and build something up with someone for a while.