#something something cycle of abandonment and abuse or whatever

[scover-va]

Wasnt gonna include the mimic at all in my au but a concept hit me in the face and refused to leave my mind so here it is

[howlsofbloodhounds]

What if Nightmare trys to convince Killer they are equally toxic as a way to manipulate him?

After Killer did something, Nightmare would say something like "this is why no one else would ever except you" or something more specific depending on what would happen

He'd use this to isolate Killer even further than just trafficking him

And this could lead to Killer developing Stockholm Syndrome because Nightmare is making it seem like they're equally toxic, implying they're equals and making Killer think that if he really REALLY deep down wanted to, he could leave, when he actually can't

Sometimes i think my moots are more evil than me.

It wouldn’t be hard to make him believe this at all. He’s so easy to guilt trip when he’s in Stage 1–easy to emotionally manipulate. Break him down and convince him of this, which wouldn’t be hard to do at all, then he’d passively accept it. In Stage 2 he might act in ways that only reaffirm to keep him in cycle of guilt and self sabotage due to outside manipulation.

Killer doesn’t have a stable, coherent sense of self. It’s hard to think objectively about himself when the type of abuse he goes through breaks down critical thinking and the ability to think independently and objectively. The lack of ability to access much emotion in Stage 2 greatly impacts Killer.

He will probably accept that he is equally as toxic as Nightmare passively, in a resigned way. “Yeah, makes sense” way. He’d probably internalize the idea, people’s opinions of him as fact in Stage 1 and may externalize and act and behave the way that aligns with what others say is true in Stage 2. Creating a self fulfilling prophecy.

(Such as that one ask where someone said, “after all the monsters you killed, you can’t bring them back, you can’t be good.” Something like that. And Killer’s (st2’s) response was “It’s not my fault they are weak.” It aligns into his worldview that there’s no point in trying to be better or to change.)

It’s not like he can really trust his judgment on these things. His self perception is eroded and sense of reality is fragmented, as is his sense of self—and so, of course, he has been conditioned to rely on others (such as abusers) for a sense of self worth or reality. It doesn’t help that he has to mold himself to meet expectations for perceived survival or avoidance of suffering/inconvenience/or in Color’s case, abandonment—“I’m whatever you want me to be.”

And yeah, this does mean he accepts things like degradation as fact when it comes from those ‘above’ him —even if it’s intended to be playful.

Even if he knew it was playful, he’d doubt it because he can’t tell if it’s real or not, that it was actually supposed to be a joke. He’d need reassurance, he’d never ask for it—mostly because he’s unlikely to feel any hurt by it, it just is what it is.

He wouldn’t be able to access any hurt or guilt or shame about this idea like he could if he were in Stage 1–if he did feel any (especially if the insult came from someone like color), he’d probably try to repress or dissociate from it.

Stage 1’s fear, guilt, and shame would keep them trapped—may even cause him to try and push away people like Color or the cats out of fear of doing to them what Nightmare does to him. What he “does” to Nightmare when in Stage 2. Of being abusive towards the two most important people in his life.

{ @largefound }

[tragedybunny]

Slow Dancing In a Burning Room - Chapter 3

༺Summary༻

In a moment of weakness, Serafina helped Astarion ascend, forever altering him and their relationship. Irrevocably bonded in violence, can she survive life at his side, or will she be broken by the cycle of pain and terror.

༺Pairing༻ Astarion x Serafina (Female Tav)

༺Warnings༻ Dubcon / Noncon elements , violence, toxic / abusive relationships

༺Word Count༻ 3057

༺Masterlist༻

༺A/N༻ I'm pretty happy with the way this one turned out! Hope you enjoy it.

Huge thanks to @leomonae for the fantastic beta work and for showing me the art of the semicolon.

Read on AO3

꧁༺Chapter 3 - Second, Thou Shalt Drink Blood as I Have Commanded ༻꧂

༺ Astarion brings Serafina a gift and the second of his rules is made clear to her.༻

How long Serafina had waited for Astarion to return, she couldn’t say. One day flowed into another, all of them soon becoming like one. The servants still came, to tend to her and their rooms, but they were always silent. The smell of living blood in their veins stirred the growing ache in her stomach, the feeling of emptiness. It never truly went away, even the Ascendant’s gifts couldn’t protect his spawn from that curse, but the denial of even a drop of animal blood turned the subtle burn into an inferno. And then the servants stopped coming, because Astarion knew, even in his absence, what was happening to her. Whatever he had planned, he wanted her hungry, and it seemed he didn’t want to risk her breaking before he was ready. 

Their rooms offered little entertainment to distract from the hunger. She could read from their private library, bathe, watch the streets of the Gate from her window, write letters to old companions – and wait for responses that had been increasingly sparse since they parted ways – but that was it. After a while, sleep became her favorite activity, her head too foggy for anything more involved. 

She spent unknown hours lying motionless among a sea of black silk sheets, staring at the tapestries and paintings that lined the walls: scenes Astarion’s defeat of Cazador, his ascension, the saving of Baldur’s Gate, and the day they claimed Szarr manor as their rightful home. And there she was, beside him through it all. His beloved. 

And then, the mental haze was erased in a moment when an envelope slid under her door one morning. “My Precious Treasure,” was written on it, in Astarion’s immaculate script. Despite the betrayal of her imprisonment, Serafina’s heart leapt. She’d known he wouldn’t abandon her entirely, but how long he would make her wait had been in question. Astarion had proven himself capable of the most stubborn grudge holding. 

Fingers hastily tore into it, yanking the letter free with ragged anticipation. The words adorning the parchment were a sliver of hope that she eagerly clung to. 

“Serafina, my beloved,

Tonight, I will come to you, and we will end this unpleasantness between us. Not having you in my arms every night has been a great suffering, but I know we will be stronger for this, our love deeper. Tonight I will come bearing a gift, and show you how strong my love for you is. 

Until then, my love,

Your Astarion”

Deep down, something within her recoiled at the happiness the words sparked. Something that remembered her past; something that had fought for her freedom, what seemed like a lifetime ago. Something that bristled at this gilded cage. 

How long had it been since the Netherbrain? Time was strange, as a vampire who spent most of her days in Astarion’s palace. Serafina tried to think back: it had undergone some of his grand renovation plans, and he had made two other spawn to assist with his aspirations among the city’s elite. Which suggested that it had been a few years, at least. 

Not that it mattered; she was where she had chosen to be. She had loved Astarion, and had tried to give him everything – for that matter, she loved him still. And he still loved her, Serafina knew, it was just… different, now. But even that too could change, the letter evidence he’d already begun to soften. 

With the new burst of energy brought by the letter and her anticipation of Astarion’s imminent return, the rest of the day was spent carefully readying herself. A bath with his favorite scents; hair left loose and flowing, so he could run his fingers through it. And a dress that was little more than a swath of crimson silk over the intimate parts of her body, to complete the image. The Ascendant’s consort; just the way he desired her. 

The sun was just setting when the door to the grand bedchamber opened. Her lord and lover entered; Sera had been seated in a plush chair near the fire, built up to blazing despite the warm weather with her body so cold from lack of blood these days, but a sharp burst of warmth shot through her at the sight of him. Dressed in black silk with fine gold embroidered details, Astarion looked more than regal: he looked divine. 

Serafina rose to greet him; the corners of her lips curled up into a smile. 

“My darling,” he purred, pulling her into his arms and kissing her deeply. “I’ve missed you so, my love.” 

“I was here, but you-” she started to protest; he gently placed a finger to her lips. 

“Shh, we can talk about all of that later. Let me give you your gift first.” 

Serafina nodded; there was nothing to be gained from spoiling his soft mood.

Arm still hooked around her waist, Astarion turned them both toward the door. “Enter, Navril.” 

Sera tensed against Astarion as a beautiful young elven man entered. Red hair cascaded down his back; his eyes were like liquid gold, as he gazed at Astarion with the besotted look she’d seen in others so often before. His sun-kissed skin glowed with the blush of life; he was vibrant and warm, and each beat of his heart sent a feast of blood pulsing through his veins. 

Her stomach clenched; she tried not to start salivating. 

“Command me, my lord,” Navril said, his voice airy and musical.

Rather than replying, Astarion looked over to Serafina, then nodded her over towards the young man.  A gift, he had said.

“What am I to do with him?” Serafina’s eyes dropped to the floor as she spoke; she could almost hear that blood singing to her. 

Astarion chuckled. “Let him pleasure you – well, us – of course.” 

A sharpened fang dug into her lip; she was so hungry. But doing what Astarion wanted would please him, and make their reunion easier. She could ask him for blood afterwards. And anyway, this wasn’t the first playmate he’d dragged to their bed. The first had been a plump little blonde human he’d tried to keep as a spawn. She’d met a stake one night in the castle gardens, when Serafina had found her there alone. Strangely, he’d seemed more proud than angry. But from then on, spawn were not for pleasure, and his toys always disappeared again after one night. 

“If you command it, my love.” She stepped away from Astarion and glanced Navril up and down before addressing him. “Disrobe. Let me see what my lord has brought to me.” 

Navril hesitated, looking between the two of them and seeming unsure. 

“You heard her,” Astarion said, tone cool. 

This time Navril listened,  his simple tunic and pants quickly discarded. His skin was free from anything that would mar it, suggesting the warm tone was gained through pleasure, not work, and the same for the softness of his body. Perhaps a man of learning, or the son of a noble? Not that it would matter, when Astarion was done with him. All that mattered in here was the cock between Navril’s legs, already stirring to life.

“Now, what ever should we do with him,” Astarion coaxed, leaning over to kiss and nibble at her neck. 

Serafina considered the question. Truthfully, the additions to their bed held little interest for her, but it pleased Astarion to have her participate. And there were ways to do that without her own direct involvement. 

“I want to watch him suck your cock.”

Her words earned a toothy smile from him, fangs flashing alluringly from between his lips; she had fallen in love with that smile once upon a time. “A delightful start.” He placed her hands on his trousers, a silent command for her to open them. 

Obeying, she took him in her hand, stroking with a light, teasing touch, before backing away to gesture to their guest. Navril obediently dropped to his knees, mouth opening to accept Astarion’s cock. He ran his tongue along the length and over the head, coating it in saliva, before taking it all the way inside. 

Astarion gave a muted groan. 

Sera settled herself on the bed, legs spread, watching the lewd spectacle Astarion was making of Navril. But it didn’t last long at all.

“Not one whiff of arousal from my treasure; you’re boring her,” Astarion snapped suddenly, and gripped Navril’s hair in unrelenting fingers. With a violent thrust, he plunged the length of himself into Navril’s throat. 

Serafina felt a pang of regret for the too-soon loss of Astarion’s softer manner, muted by relief she wasn’t on the receiving end of this mood swing. 

Navril gagged as Astarion roughly fucked his face, still snapping orders at him. “That’s it, make a show for her. This is all for her, and you wouldn’t want to disappoint my consort, would you Navril? ” 

All for her. That stirred her, and her hand drifted between her thighs. Astarion froze, pulling back from Navril’s lips, leaving the man to mop the tears from his face. 

“Your turn, my sweet Serafina.” Astarion stalked toward the bed, discarding clothing and boots in his wake. 

“Come here,” he ordered the waiting Navril, pointing to the spot on the ground between her legs. 

“Yes, my lord.” The man’s eyes were hazy and he spoke as though enthralled. Not an impossible prospect. 

When he rose to obey, Astarion stopped him with a noise of disapproval. “On your knees, lest you forget how far above you she is.”

Sera blushed at the praise as Astarion settled himself behind her, wrapping his arms around her waist. Kissing and nipping at her ear, he whispered gently, “You’re so beautiful when you get excited, my love.”

Pulling down the shoulders of her gown, he exposed her pale breasts and pebbled nipples to Navril. “Touch her,” Astarion’s velvet voice commanded. 

Kneeling between her legs, Navril reached for her to obey. Fingers traced over her skin gently, circling the sensitive buds; Astarion made a noise of impatience. His own elegant fingers came around to pinch and roll them instead, much more harshly. Serafina whimpered and squirmed against him, his growing hardness pressing against her backside. He always knew how to drive her mad. 

“Shh, pet, you’re going to have every pleasure soon enough.” He gave her nipples a rough tug that left them stinging. “Now keep your legs spread.”

Obediently, she left them open wide, as Astarion reached out and tugged Navril by his hair toward her waiting sex. And then the same tongue that had tasted her lover tasted her, too, dipping into her folds and exploring her. 

“Does she not have the sweetest taste?” Astarion asked. Not that Navril could reply, of course.

Little licks went from teasing her hole to caressing her wanting clit. Her hips rolled against Navril’s face as Astarion continued to hold him in place. Warmth was building inside her, and she began to lose herself in the euphoric sensations. 

“Do you think you can make her come?” Astarion said, almost taunting. His free hand cupped Sera's breast, abusing her sore nipple again.

Turning her head, she tried to bury her face in his neck as she whined. She felt Navril pick up the pace, sucking at her clit ravenously. “Astarion,” she moaned, pleading; Navril was but the tool, it was Astarion who dictated her pleasure. 

“Come my love.” Astarion’s hand slipped down to slide fingers inside her, while Navril continued to suckle at her most sensitive part. 

With all of Astarion’s attention on her, Serafina lost herself, whimpering and crying out. 

“Good pet,” he crooned, fingers still playing with her briefly before he withdrew them, then took his time to lick each one clean, the lewd, wet sounds echoing in her ear. “Lay back,” he commanded. 

Sera felt herself tense; she never liked having anyone else besides Astarion himself inside her like that. But he was in such a good mood today, even after the earlier threat that it might turn worse. So she let herself be guided down onto the mattress, as Astarion moved out from behind her and slid her back from the edge. The fabric of her dress fanned out around her as she laid back, barely clinging to her body. 

Astarion looked to Navril, who waited on his knees still. “Fuck her; take my little love to ecstasy.” 

Wasting no time, Navril scrambled onto the bed and settled himself between her thighs. Looking down at her with eyes hazy from lust, he leaned his head toward her lips. 

Astarion struck lightning fast, his hand cracking against Navril’s cheek. “Those are mine alone.” His words came on a low, dangerous growl, and Navril tensed for a second. “As you were.” 

Seemingly afraid to disappoint again, Navril slid himself inside her quickly. Sera silently thanked the gods she was already ready for him as his girth stretched her. This close, the scent of his blood was almost overpowering, her hunger no longer so easily forgotten in the chaos of Astarion’s game. She found herself salivating again as Navril moved inside her, her fangs almost aching. 

“Astarion, I can’t,” she whined, the pleasure between her legs background noise to her rising desire for Navril’s blood. 

Astarion answered her with a predatory smile. Moving with unnatural grace, he left from her side, positioning himself behind Navril. Peering over Navril’s shoulder, he locked eyes with her and brought two fingers to his mouth, sucking on them just enough to wet them. Eyes never leaving hers, his hand drifted downwards. 

Navril groaned; Sera almost pitied him. Pleasure was often short-lived, with Astarion. 

“So greedy for both of us.” Astarion's voice was silken and beguiling, a tone he'd used with her once long ago, in a hidden clearing in the woods. 

Gripping Navril’s hips, Astarion drove forward, and Navril yelped in pain. “Take what you want,” he ordered, thrusting into Navril, causing him to move inside Sera.

She rolled her hips into it and moaned. It felt sinfully delicious to be fucked with Navril’s cock by Astarion like this. 

“You like that, little love?” he teased. 

Navril’s face scrunched in pain when Astarion moved again, pushing him forward, drawing more sounds from Sera in the process. Loved, spoiled, treasured… only Astarion could make her feel this way. 

As Astarion picked up his rhythm, Navril flailed for purchase, hands coming to grip the sheets desperately as he tried to remain upright. He grunted, almost collapsing under the assault as Astarion leaned over him,hips pumping relentlessly. 

Sera ignored him, looking up past him to Astarion’s face, watching him chase his own release as the body he forced into her pushed her to her own. She was so close, and Astarion was fucking into Navril with reckless violence. 

“Please,” the elf between them whimpered. 

“I…” Sera breathed, her body contracting around Navril, banishing all thoughts. 

Time slowed; she watched, transfixed, as Astarion’s mouth moved toward Navril’s throat. A cruel motion wrenched his head to the side; predatory fangs tore into his flesh. 

A rain of red spattered against her skin, the scent making her stomach roil. “Astarion,” she whispered through the haze of lust and hunger. A satisfied smirk answered her before he leaned over to lap at the blood now dripping from Navril’s neck. A pained whimper escaped her and she felt her hands come to rest on Navril’s shoulders, fingernails digging into the skin. 

What little blood there was in her thundered in her veins, a noise to drown out Navril’s suffering. Her mouth salivated as the coppery tang of his blood consumed all her senses. She was so, so hungry, and a feast was spilling down onto her. Distantly, she heard her own protests in her mind, her horror at the urge for a thinking creature’s blood. 

She pulled Navril toward herself as his eyes widened in horror, no escape possible trapped between the two of them. Mouth opening, her tongue caressed his blood-slick skin, a taste like nothing else in the world sending a new kind of pleasure pulsing through her. Hands moving from shoulders to hair, she forced his neck to her waiting teeth, body and mind demanding she sate herself. 

The wound Astarion had opened allowed just enough to tease; she tore into it further, sucking at the sweet nectar released. 

“That’s it, my sweet love, drink your fill,” Astarion encouraged, watching her from above Navril’s shuddering form. 

With his blood flowing into her, she could hear Navril’s heart, hear how it grew weaker with every swallowed mouthful. Again, her mind railed: she was killing him, just as she said she would never do. But the taste was so luscious, and her stomach didn’t hurt for the first time in years. 

Navril made a horrible rattling sound; she felt the flow of blood slow, then stop. The warmth filling her mouth ebbed away, and sanity returned. Hands and teeth released him, but he remained slumped over her. Navril was dead. 

“Oh gods,” she said softly, awareness washing over her. “I - I…”

“You ate properly for the first time,” Astarion said, tone gentle, at least for the moment. “As you deserve.  As you’ve always deserved.”

Standing, he pulled Navril’s body off of her, casually discarding him onto the floor, his purpose served. He settled himself onto the sheets next to Sera and pulled her into his arms. “I’m so proud of you, my love, taking care of yourself.” 

“But he, he was alive. And -” 

And she’d killed him. Murdered a thinking creature, a person, to quiet her own aching hunger. 

“Stop that,” Astarion responded sharply. “You’ve done what you needed to do. I don’t need you to backslide. I want my pretty little consort as healthy as she can be. I have great plans for the next few months, and you need to be fit to be by my side.” 

Fingers stroked her hair as he spoke, their gentleness in direct opposition to the demanding words. Astarion was happy with her, and she finally had peace from the awful hunger that haunted her. And so, resting her cheek against his chest, smearing gore from her face across that perfect ivory skin, she gave in. 

Even if she resisted, there was no doubt he would just find some other way to help her. 

[themaidenofwords]

Yes, it's two AM, but I'm writing a Jason centric story and I'm lost in the sauce of his arc.

Jason started off as an abused kid who couldn't defend himself. I know his backstory is a little debated (with its racist and classiest stereotypes and all) but Willis being an abuser makes sense for his character to me. As a kid, he watches his dad, and he sees his mom withering away, and he promises to be different. He promises himself to be strong enough and brave enough one day to fight back and protect all the other kids who aren't big enough to defend themselves.

And then Jason gets adopted by Bruce and he becomes Robin. For three years he fulfills that promise and defends the innocent. He is finally strong enough-- skilled enough-- to protect all those little kids and other victims. He holds a special hatred for abusers and deals with them with a violence that Bruce doesn't approve of, but that he can't manage to regret in the shadow of the memory of Willis's sneers and fists. He is a bright thing with wings-- swooping down and doling out justice and protecting the innocent-- an angel.

And then Jason dies, and he returns to life with something inside of himself broken. As Robin, Jason had the ability to defend himself finally, but he also didn't have to protect himself from every threat because Bruce was there to defend him. He had trusted his new dad to be there for him, and that trust had been broken in the most irrevocable way right on the heels of betrayal by his bio mom. Jason woke up drowning in the Lazarus Pits and emerged to be told that Bruce had replaced him. What seemed to him like moments after he died, he had proof that Bruce had lied and that he had to defend himself like he always had as a child. No one else would protect him but himself.

And when Jason returned to Gotham, he was still the defender of the innocent, but he wasn't a bright thing flying on feathered wings. He was no longer a Robin, but a vengeful wraith. He spat in the face of Bruce's rules about excessive violence, because obviously those standards didn't mean anything. Jason would do what he had always done and do whatever necessary to protect himself and those who were unable (or shouldn't have to) protect themselves. He had standards. He hurt those who deserved it. He saved those who had been abandoned just like him. He swooped down and doled out justice and vengeance in equal measure with his shadow falling behind him in an angular, twisted train. The angel had died in a warehouse in Ethiopia, and only the traumatized wraith remained.

Timothy Drake was not an innocent in Jason's eyes. He was the epitome of all that Jason had lost and how little that tragedy had mattered. He was the shiny replacement that Bruce had picked up when the old model of Robin had failed. Jason wanted to avenge his death and get revenge on Bruce for making him dare to hope that someone actually cared, and so he decided to balance the scales and prove that the new model of Robin was just as easy to break as the old version. Jason beat up his replacement and left him an inch away from dead, and he left feeling justified. He left feeling grimly satisfied in his vengeance and the brutal fairness of the deed.

The problem came when the haze of righteous rage cleared enough for Jason to look down at the bruises on his knuckles and remember the furious sneer that had twisted his mouth. The problem came when Jason remembered watching Willis raise a similarly bruised fist and stare down at Catherine Todd with that same angry sneer. He had promised to be different. He had tried to break the cycle, and yet he had fallen right back into the same circle of violence and pain. He had broken the wings of another little bird in a mockery of justice. Pain for pain might have been fair, but that didn't make it just-- that didn't make it right. Jason had promised to be different, and he had proceeded to pass on his own trauma to a new child for no more reason than his own jealous anger. Joker was Jason's worst nightmare and Jason had painted himself in the colors of that same nightmare. He had promised to be different. If he had caught anyone else attacking a child, he would have killed them without question. When had Jason's standards dropped so fully? Did his purpose die with the boy he once was, or did his desire for rage twist his concept of justice so badly that he had justified twisting himself into the mold that had been created for him when he was raised in an abuser's home.

Breaking the cycle was supposed to be easy. He was supposed to just do the opposite of Willis's example. He didn't expect to find out how abusers justify their own actions.

The thing is, Jason didn't just give up after that. He changed. He saw that he had fallen off his own standard and he course corrected. Not perfectly, of course, and if you take canon as law he's still splashing in the deep end of everything he stands against, but he made the effort to be better.

Honestly, that's what I love most about him. Breaking the cycle isn't always a linear path, but the decision to keep striving to be different is what truly matters. The promise might have been broken, but wounds heal and bridges can be repaired. Atonement comes through striving to be better, not giving up and lying where you've fallen.

The universes where Jason was never adopted by Bruce (where he never died) he became a priest. He broke the cycle. There's nothing within him that's destined to fill the mold set by the abusers that shaped his childhood.

Jason is by no means a perfect character, but he continually chooses to be different-- to be better-- and that's all I ask for.

[itsscromp]

hellloooo so i wanted to request something I've been thinking of for a while <3 you can just call me 🦇bat anon :D sooo i was thinking rocket raccoon x reader who is also a genetically modified raccoon by the hands of high evolutionary with the same amount of trauma and torture as rocket experienced, but they're more brain modified, so they look like a sorta normal raccoon but they're really REALLY overly intelligent and are agile and smart and all that, but they use a human body hologram, and when rocket met them he saw them as a human, but reader later revealed their secret and they connected with their trauma or something i dunno X( i just want someone to let rocket know he's not alone <3 if you're gonna do this, thank you :D if not, have a nice day anyway and i love your writing!!!

We're not so different

Hello there 🦇bat anon :D, Apologies for the delay in this, Now for this request, I had read over it and ultimately my brain has gone splat in the moment. BUT !!! I cooked another idea relating to what you asked. So I hope you like it. Warnings: Mentions of abuse. Word count:985

How you were brought into this world will continue to baffle you until the day you die. How many children have happy families, Yours was utterly broken, Your mom abandoned you before your first birthday, leaving you with your dad who turned to alcohol to cope with the stress. You would always have to bring him his bottle... unless you would cop something in the head. You still had the scar across your eyebrow from the shard cutting through, you were thankful that it didn't get your eye.

By 10 years old when you were on the way home from school as quickly as you could. Your teacher stopped you before you could rush home to talk about the results of your test. Heading home... Guess who was there.

"Where the fuck have you been ??!! I told you to get back as soon school finished."

"I... I know... The teacher just wanted to talk to me..."

"You got into trouble !!" He grabbed your arm and twisted it.

You yelped in pain and started to cry, You yanked your hand away and ran away, Having enough of his endless hurting. Running as fast as you could, You rushed down into the nearby park and fell over, started to cry. As you cried, you felt yourself getting dragged up by something in the sky, Soon being sent away thousands of light-years away in the galaxy.

The cycle continued just with your kidnappers, Whatever your dad did, they did ten times worse when you didn't do what they said. You didn't escape for another 5 years. Being placed into hiding on Knowhere and stayed there for the time being. At least you were free.

You took up some mercenary work with the ravagers, coming across Peter quill from time to time. And it just so happened that that day when the guardians of the galaxy were formed. The day you met Rocket Raccoon.

You knew straight from the start that the attitude that he pulled off when you worked together in prison was nothing more than a cover-up for a deeper trauma that he had witnessed. But it became more evident when you saw his drunken out burst in the bar.

"He thinks I'm some stupid thing he does !! Well, I didn't ask to get made !! I didn't ask to be torn apart and put back together over and over, turned into some... Some little monster !!"

"Rocket, no one is calling you a monster" Peter told him

"He called me vermin !! She called me Rodent !!! His bottom lip wobbled a bit before he grew angry. "Let's see if you can last after five or six good shots in your fricken face !!" He aimed his gun at Drax.

"No no no no !! 4 billion units, Rocket come on suck it up for one more lousy night and you're rich !!" Quill begged him to think rationally.

Rocket thought for a bit before disarming his weapon. "Fine... But I can't promise when this is over I'm not gonna kill every last one of you jerks."

He then bolted out of the bar, Your heart absolutely shattered hearing all of this. At this, you wanted to hold him and tell him that everything was ok... But you knew this wouldn't work knowing Rocket for the short time.

But regardless he needed someone right now, So you headed outside to find him. Looking around nearby until you found him in an alleyway crying softly to himself. You grew sad as you saw him... You walked over as you gently sat down across the other side, remaining silent.

He looked up and saw you, quickly regaining his composure. "Get lost y/n..."

"I didn't say anything" You softly said.

He opened his mouth before shutting it, His ears fully drooped. Crossing his arms as he looked away from you. "Why are you here ?? Wanna call me monster too ??"

You shook your head gently, Trying to figure out how to properly say it. "Rocket... Whatever it is... that you have gone through." You could feel his eyes glaring on you, almost to say choose your next few words very carefully.

"Whatever it is... I get it... I know what it feels like."

His eyes slowly softened a little, but still glaring at you.

"The scar... On my eyebrow... This was by the man who was meant to protect me..." You pointed to your eyebrow.

He inspected your eyebrow a bit before he looked down at the ground. "I... I'm sorry you had to suffer that"

"My whole life... And not even that... When I was 10 I was kidnapped from Earth, The people who kidnapped me... They endured so much pain on me... For 5 flarking years..." You moved your shirt a bit, showing scared underneath your ribs... this one hurt you the most, you couldn't even stomach to talk about it.

Rocket's eyes went soft, And soon, you could see a different side to him. "I'm sorry... I really am..." He hesitantly started to move, moving next to you. Wanting to be in your company and feel safe.

"Rocket, Whatever this galaxy throws at you... I want to let you know... I'll be there for you ok ??" You looked at him.

He gave it a bit of thought for a little bit before nodding. "Yeah... Same to you y/n" He looked up at you, saying it sincerely.

You smiled and gently raised a fist to him, he tilted his head a little bit in confusion. "What are you doing humie ??"

"You never heard about fist bumps ??"

He shook his head, wanting an explanation.

"It's kind of like a symbol of friendship on earth, so here" You gently helped him achieve his first fist bump, "There you go" You smiled,

You would always have his back, And he with yours. Always.

Taglist: @callofdudes

[bonefall]

As someone who was adopted, I find it funny how much of a hate boner Warrior Cats has against adoption. Like, Thunder, my guy, are you not the one dealing with a horrendous biological father? Don'tcha think that the abusive prick is a horrible choice to leave children with? So what if he said he was part of the process in making them? Who they see as their dad is up to them. Blood doesn't create parents, love does.

Unfortunately, I suppose we're all stuck watching adoption be beat with a hammer because screw us? Man, I'm lucky I was someone who wasn't insecure about being adopted (well, to a degree... kinda shook me up seeing PO3 unfold as a kiddo). For a kid's series, they really do not think about the consequences it could have on children.

Thunder feels incredibly inconsistent in his writing, like they had 3 different ideas for what they wanted to do and couldn't commit to any

First he's rejecting Clear Sky and disavowing him as a father having realized that he's a violent ghoul.

Then he's going to bat in his defense just like Gray Wing, thinking "woah! Does everyone really think he's a monster?!""

And then we get to see him fetching Turtle's kits, back to early Thunder Rising character where he can't fathom a person Hating Their Own Father.

He cycles between these depending on whatever the plot needs. Thunder 1 has a GREAT reason to maul Tom, but the whole stupid subplot about convincing the kits that being a housecat sucks wouldn't work unless it was Thunder 3

I'm not adopted, but 2 members of my close family are. One of them was always trying to buddy up to their biodad, in a way that was... honestly, pathetic, sad, and formative to me. Biofather was a HORRIBLE person (I wish I had never been exposed to him) and caused nothing but pain to the entire family. There was no question why he abandoned my family members-- he was a sleaze.

The other is my relative's sister, and she's the type that says, "my adopted dad is my real dad. (Name) was just my donor." The garbage that Biofather put her through was endless, every time her brother dragged him back into everyone's lives, she always got hurt in some way

So DOTC is a pretty painful arc to me. The Skykin family strikes a personal nerve, and the sheer amount of undue sympathy they layer on Clear Sky but not his victims just... it makes my skin crawl.

And god, you can tell that the writers believe the same shit that Male Family Member believes. That something about your genes just draws you towards your biorelatives, and that nothing is more sacred than that, no matter how much this toxic relative hurts you and the people you love.

Love makes family. Blood just bleeds.

[wefallforever]

Once Upon a Time Season 6 Rewatch Thoughts

The penultimate season ahh!! Let’s get into it

I am once again asking why Regina and Emma are written so romantically and with such passion if they are “just friends”?! They be risking their lives for each other, parenting a son together, and we’re just supposed to believe there isn’t something more going on??? Damn you Disney! And the fact that Regina doesn’t get a romance at the end? Cruel!

-the Evil Queen is hot as fuck ok? Plus she has great fashion sense. I would HAPPILY enter a toxic relationship with her if she was my dom lol.

-the evil queen read Regina for filth when she said that Regina was trapped in a prison of her own self loathing. Give my girl healing and self love please! She has earned it numerous times over.

-oh man Gold’s abandonment/daddy/son issues are driving him to make some terrible choices with Belle and their son! He causes so much harm (trapping Belle on the Jolly Roger, placing a locater cuff on Belle) but truly believes it’s justifiable. Obviously he is real triggered about how he abandoned adult Neal and wants to do anything he can to prevent it from happening but damn dude. He got real abusive this season smh. The dysfunctional/broken family cycles continue!

-Gold needs better security for his shop man. I swear people let themselves in there at least once an episode 😭 I know that Emma is an expert lock picker or whatever but surely there is some kind of spell to keep people out his shit.

-Emma’s struggle with her destiny is so relatable and real. Knowing that an entire population is depending on you to succeed is a gigantic burden that she definitely didn’t ask for. And yet, despite her ambivalence, we see her succeed and step into her power. Yes there is loss yes it doesn’t go perfect but it goes! A good message for those of us afraid to accept the gifts and roles we have been given ❤️.

-Yeah so Fiona is a dastardly ass woman as well 😭 it doesn’t get much worse than stealing babies tbh. The actress really emulated emotionally abusive psychologically torturous mothers that’s for sure! I hate Rumple but damn he had it rough with the parent cards he was dealt �� at least he got to kill her himself? Although I must say I found her death scene to be pretty anticlimactic.

-The MUSICAL EPIOSDE?!?!?!!!!!!! Jennifer Morrison the soprano that you are. Honourable mention to Rebecca Madder as well I loved her song ‘Wicked Always Wins.’ It’s a shame it’s the wedding episode between Emma and Hook (we’re team #SwanQueen over here) but I had a blast watching, especially the last number and Emma’s theme. The music was always in her bitch!! AND NO ONE CAN EVER TAKE THAT AWAY FROM HER EVER!!!

Aah I can’t believe I’m almost done the show! Obviously the original story arc is over and the last season is a spin off, but there’s still a bit more story to go. Expect me to reblog a bunch of posts from the #OnceUponATime tag once I’m done because I’ve been avoiding it so as to not be spoiled.

[lux-scriptum]

Heyyyy, are your ocs in like stories or do you have them floating in space like I do lol what are those stories about, if you have em?

Amara is in all my stories. Shes my easter egg in all my series, and I look forward to people finding her more subtle appearances.

Most of the others have books! A few are just rp characters but most are in their own series.

Personal Demons is about a demon trapped inside a human and her brother trying to keep them both alive while his life’s purpose slowly creeps up on him after millennia. Eventually it becomes a chance to question black and white thinking, propaganda, and internal biases. Also its about the gay agenda.

Dragonmarked is about grief and revenge consuming one persons life, and the lives of all she touches. Its also about breaking cycles of abuse and finding yourself buried under years of fawn responses. It’s about the weight of the world on your shoulders and responsibilities you cant shrug off. It’s about learning how to be a better person and its about grief all over again.

The lev n fax saga is finished, and technically part of PD. Its about love and fear and finding something worth being brave for. Its also about the different kind of bravery and how it doesn’t always look how you’d expect.

Ichor is about abandonment issues and corrupt power systems. It’s about love being toxic and love being something that can create something more powerful than whatever already exists.

The warped wip is just an attempt to mix urban fantasy (fluffy version) with horror written by someone who doesn’t consume horror but wants to sink their teeth in some fun descriptions.

Hell To Pay is also completed, though @fragmentedink and I are working on spinoffs. Its about trauma and the ugly side of healing. It’s about how different traumas can lend to connections while at the same time lend itself to hurting others without ever meaning to. It’s about learning to stand on your own feet and be your truest self.

And give me ur eyes, the newest book, is about questioning everything. Its about looking at the people and gods you put on pedestals and wondering what will happen if someone bumps said pedestal. Its about betrayal and becoming and unbecoming and anger and villain eras.

I will tag all of these projects so u can go tag diving if you wish for more details.

[xuer]

my fic extended notes

for "don't you know you got my eyes" on ao3

warning for fic spoilers. also PLEASE read the beginning notes on the fic and the warning there before you read this. tl;dr this is fiction it is going to be inaccurate PROCEED WITH CAUTION

ok first of all, I have determined that I have an obsession with using eyes as a comparison tool in fics, which makes me very unoriginal. this is unfortunate. however, I have good excuses reasons as to why I needed to use them in this fic

the entire fic is inspired by youth by glass animals, and I took the title from a lyric of the song (obviously it doesn't have the same exact message/theme as the song but it had the vague handwavey vibes and I was listening to it on repeat while writing so)

max looks SO MUCH like jos it's kind of insane. one thing that stuck out to me was their eyes, especially since sophie's are brown

one thing I was going for was max's and jos's eyes are all blue (hence "don't you know you've got my eyes") which while they may not be safe max is familiar with because he spent so much time with his dad growing up. victoria's are too. sophie's are brown, and while she's his mother and he loves her, she's more unfamiliar/foreign to her, and he has a lot of mixed feelings towards her (getting into this later). it was going to be connected to dilara's eyes being brown and kelly's eyes being blue but I think I went blind or something during my initial research because it turns out dilara's eyes are like a light green or hazel or something. definitely not brown. so I had to scrap that aspect, but she still vaguely looks enough like sophie (will also get into this later) that I could make that main plot point still work.

the entire point of the fic is that max grew up under jos's eyes which were "cold," and at some point along the way he realizes his own eyes became the same, so again, reference to the title/song lyric

some details/themes I kind of hinted at or touched on

choice, or the lack thereof. max didn't get a choice in going with his dad. he didn't get a choice in going into karting or taking the path to eventually reach f1. he didn't get a choice in having to win in order to live up to his dad's expectations. all he does is win, and eventually that becomes all he knows how to do, and when he has an issue he doesn't know how to fix it except try to win. yet at the end, when he's won everything, when he's been crowned as the best driver in the world, he's still lost because it's not a real solution. but it's all he knows how to do, it's his only choice, so it's the only thing he can and continues to do.

the cold. I touched on this earlier in the first list but it's important because it's not just one "type" of coldness. "the most he remembers from his karting days is the cold" = it's an integral memory from his childhood, even more integral than his actual wins. yes, it actually is colder in the netherlands, but it's not just physical. there's an emotional coldness from his mother leaving and how he felt abandoned, the lack of warmth that his father gave him, and the "coldness" in jos's eyes.

eyes (an expansion). I discussed it briefly in the first section, but it goes farther than just him realizing he has the same eyes as his dad. it acts as a metaphor to compare how jos treated him and his ex-wife and how max treats his partner(s) and p. cycle of abuse or whatever and parallels with how jos and sophie split because of abuse and max and dilara split because of neglect/trauma/emotional unavailability/infidelity and how jos and sophie both neglected max growing up in different ways and how max and kelly neglect p in different ways, partially because max is deathly afraid of becoming even more like his father than he already is. like he doesn't want to take on a caretaker role in her life because he's afraid he'll fuck it up because all he has to fall back on is how jos treated him, in the process he's neglecting her even more, but as we have established he's not exactly a great problem solver in this fic.

dilara and sophie. listen they don't look alike but they do. just look. same face shape, same hair, similar noses, similar mouth sizes. the only thing extremely different are the eyebrows.

my point though is that max is drawn to dilara because she reminds him of sophie and he has insane mommy issues here. so even just on an unconscious he took comfort in the fact that they look the same, they both speak german, they're both intelligent and affectionate woman. it's also part of why his family loved dilara so much, but that's a different conversation.

this also leads into another theme of comfort, or how max won't let himself feel it. he doesn't realize how deep his mommy issues run until victoria blasts it in his face at full volume during that fateful family gathering. before then, he loved his mother and looked up to her unconditionally even if he couldn't quite understand why she left him behind, even hoping to himself that he could carry on his mother's dreams as some sort of tribute because she had to quit karting after marrying jos. but after he realizes how abandoned he truly felt and the things he did to subconsciously combat that (date older woman, get with someone who looked like his mom, etc.), he completely retreats into his shell and purposefully sabotages his relationship with dilara so that she'll leave him, even going as far as to cheat on her with kelly and proceed to getting with kelly afterwards, despite internally describes their relationship as "not as real" as the one he had with dilara. it's also the same with how he retreats from his mom and sister despite how spending time with them gives him comfort and makes him happy. he spends more time with his dad, despite always describing him as "cold," because he thinks what's wrong with him is that he isn't winning enough, so he throws himself into trying to win more. which, I guess technically works? he starts winning more, but yeah. he thinks he "solved it" because he and dilara broke it off, but the underlying issue isn't actually solved and he's obviously not actually healed because he proceeds to date a woman 9 years his senior. again, not great problem solving skills.

names. jos alternates getting called "jos" and "his father" whenever appropriate because there's always been a distance between them. max convinced himself he quote unquote "fixed" the distance between him and his mother until his little realization/mental breakdown (again, tying back to the previous point), which is when he refers to sophie by her name for the first time. after that though he goes back to calling her his mother because he still has a soft spot for her, despite him now being aware of how mixed his feelings are towards her.

water. it's just something I bring up throughout the fic because it relates a bit to the coldness max feels in the beginning and the coldness he unintentionally eventually begins to treat others with towards the end. his dad "throwing him into the deep end," max "learning how to swim" so he won't drown, describing f1 media as "shark-infested waters" (also combining this with another comparison to his dad's eyes), and in the end realizing he's actually been drowning this entire time and still not knowing how to change it.

looks in general. you can tell by now eyes are a bit part of the fic, but I use looks/glances as well to describe a lot of unspoken emotions. how other competitors look at max as if he's a snot-nosed kid at first, then how they look at him as if he's a threat after he tests the cars, how other f1 drivers look at him and call him dangerous, how victoria looks at max and dilara together and sees what max is actually trying to do despite max himself being oblivious, how she looks at him earnestly after confronting him because she's doing it out of genuine concern, how max looks at his girlfriend and mom together, how victoria looks at his reaction after he realizes, how he looks at himself in the mirror, how he can't look at dilara anymore because he can't get the similarities out of his head, how lando looks at him when he sees p being neglected, how his sister looks at him after he and kelly get together because she knows she was the catalyst for it, and how the general public look at him in pity when they see him defend his father for his own treatment and keep him in his life despite how it's destroying him.

expansions on events or portrayals of some characters in this fic

obviously I take a lot of liberties with this fic but for the most part the timelines of max's karting and racing career stay the same. the first two paragraphs are almost completely ripped from his wikipedia page. jos hitting his helmet, leaving him at the gas station to walk home, and cursed him out for not being able to win are all true stories. his karting and racing achievements are accurate. the timing for his f3/formula renault testing and f3 debut is accurate. he got his first win with his first start with red bull racing in spain 2016, but he only won twice in 2017, twice in 2018, three times in 2019, and twice in 2020 (although that was covid year). compare that to 2021 where he won ten times, and yeah, he might have been consistent, but it wasn't enough for him, which is why he has the motive in this fic to do... all that I described earlier. the dating timelines also line up with this. he started dating dilara in 2017, and officially stated they had broken up in october of 2020. max and kelly started dating sometime in 2020.

speaking of dilara and kelly... well, first of all, the first meeting between max and dilara is completely made up. dilara is an incredibly private person, even while they were dating, so basically no information about her is known besides her full name and what she decides to put up on her linkedin. we have no clue how they met, so I just fake it. also, yeah. there actually are rumors out there of max going home with kelly from a club while he was still with dilara, and dilara ending things with him because of it, but obviously those are just rumors, but I did take inspiration from that because fiction. it's also true that max's family seemed very close with dilara (sophie and victoria posted her a lot and even hung out/took trips with her without max) and they seem a lot more neutral/distant with kelly. I think jos has even said he doesn't like kelly at some point, and kelly has publicly bad-mouthed jos in the media, so I really don't think they're that close if anything. kelly also describes her relationship with max as "easy-going" herself, which made me think their relationship is pretty low-maintenance and is what gave me inspiration to describe it as "not as real" from max's pov and even use the phrase "kelly is in portugal or ibiza or something" basically implying he doesn't know and doesn't really care.

as for the relationship between max and kelly and p (and daniil), I also went off of rumors that obviously may not be true (again, fiction) but there have been people saying that kelly neglects p and leaves her at home to travel with her friends for vacation or fashion shows or whatever, and at one point daniil had to get involved somehow even though he was in the middle of a race season. it's also really obvious daniil loves p which is why I made him a little judgy towards max regarding his care of her, but as for actual beef between daniil and max personally, in the fic I made things between them strained and hint towards the red bull seat fiasco (if you are unaware max being promoted to the main team was at the expense of daniil being demoted) and I'm guessing at the time daniil was kind of praying on max's downfall so he could try and say red bull made the wrong decision to promote some 17 year old, only for him to win in his first start after the infamous brocades crash out. you can probably even point to max as the main reason why daniil eventually had to leave f1. daniil has probably already moved on since then as he is obviously an adult and is currently competing in wec, but I decided to make beef between them in the fic anyways just because.

now, sophie is complicated. obviously none of the characters are accurate to their irl counterparts, but besides max, sophie is the one I think I took the most liberties with. obviously she had her own struggles with jos and her kids, and she's publicly talked about how hard it was for her to separate from max when he was so young. it's obvious how supportive she is and how much they love each other, so even though I WARNED YOU ALL that the portrayals of these people are inaccurate, I want to reiterate that I do not view sophie like how I wrote her irl. she's a victim of abuse herself and I'm sure she did the most she could in her situation in reality, but I don't really expand on her in the fic so it can seem kind of victim-blamey, which I really really do not want, especially since it's max's pov and he's very obviously an unreliable narrator. so from his point of view, yes, he thinks his mom abandoned him in a sense. obviously he thinks she still loves him and he still loves her but things are awkward between them for a time because he was a child and he couldn't help but ask the really hard questions of "why her and not me?" "why did you take victoria but leave me with dad?" but despite her giving max mommy issues even he doesn't blame her for what she did lol. he just wonders sometimes how things could be different.

as I'm writing this section on victoria I am realizing this fic does not pass the bechdel test. sorry. victoria isn't covered as much just because she doesn't play that big of a role other than the one line of dialogue. she's mostly just there to be a supportive sister with good intentions for max but he can't help but hate her a little because he's jealous (he knows it's unreasonable but) that his mom "chose" her over him, even if that wasn't really the case, and kind of upended his world.

finally, max himself. there's a lotttt of things different between fic!max and irl!max. first of all, I changed his entire outlook on racing. in the fic max really only races because that's what he's always done and his dad didn't give him any other choice, but obviously max in reality would not be racing if he didn't like it. no sane person who doesn't like racing would spend that much time sim racing for fun. even most people who do enjoy racing do not want to do iracing that often. max in reality also has a lot more autonomy than fic!max and has made it very obvious that he'll be here until he feels like it and when he doesn't feel like it anymore he'll go fuck off and retire. he's not desperate to find some meaning to his life or fix whatever he problem he has, and he definitely doesn't view winning the same way I describe fictional max does. if I have to say, irl!max is much healthier mentally than fic!max, which is wonderful and I wouldn't change a thing. again, this is all just for fun.

some other notes or details/ideas not quite expanded upon include

there's a big tone shift after max has his little mental breakdown. pretty obvious, I think. he goes from kind of clinical and as unemotional as possible while still being kind of depressing to no fucks given yeah I'm fucked in the head what is wrong with me. type shit.

the wdc dedication to his family. and to his dad specifically. him describing his sister, then his mom, then getting to his dad and choking up. like. how does he describe the man who raised him and fucked him up so badly he's terrified of caring for children and loves and despises and who made him into this monster who doesn't feel right in his own skin and hates looking in the mirror because he's scared every time he does he becomes more and more like him. how do you even. so he just didn't.

christian horner was actually supposed to play a bigger part but I wrote it out because I felt like it was distracting from everything else but it was supposed to highlight another aspect of max, being that he'll drop people immediately if he thinks they'll cause him problems even if they're good for him but he's incapable of letting go of people he deems important to him even if they're not good people, and his judgement on which category people fall into is genuinely terrible. case in point ruining his relationship with dilara because of his issues with his mom but keeping jos in his life, and this is emphasized especially in the last paragraph of the fic. jos and christian (and also kelly's dad) were supposed to be examples of the latter category. christian does care for max in his own way but we all know what happened earlier this year and max brushing past it in media and essentially saying it has nothing to do with him, which shows how he'll defend the people close to him even if objectively they're just terrible people just because he's familiar with them or associated with them or needs them for his career. but I couldn't find a place to fit it in so I scrapped it.

the lando cameo lol sorry he wasn't supposed to be here originally but I couldn't help it he's like jackson wang and his parties to me. I saw a video on twitter the other day of him with a kid and I was like. fuck. gotta add an interaction between him and p now. I swear I had no say in this my hands wrote him in without my permission.

and that's it! this is actually a behemoth of a post holy shit if you've gotten through all of this thank you I applaud you. I feel like I would have tapped out halfway through and I'm the one who wrote this? anyways please let me know (reply, reblog, send an ask, whatever) if you have any questions or want to yap more about this or if some part of this is nonsensical because I'm writing and posting at 4am.

[essayofthoughts]

(this is so long I’m sorry feel free to ignore) I just have a lot of thoughts about Kash and Zahra and their respective patrons and the associated stereotypes. Z’s a tiefling and a warlock, stereotypically someone who made a shady deal to get power, but her relationship with her patron is much Much healthier than Kash’s. Zahra’s patron Sirius is hinted to be a star spirit, imprisoned in a constellation for betraying the moon goddess Sehanine, (1/4)

Just to preface this with the note that a chunk of my response is going beneath a cut just for length. Nonny, I really do wish you’d spoken to me as yourself and not on-anon; I’d have loved to talk about this all one-on-one with you, but as you’ve not responded to my request that you do so and I have no idea who you are - my response is going here. A lot of your thoughts here are things I’ve been thinking about myself and I’d love to have a proper chat with you!

(this is so long I’m sorry feel free to ignore)  I just have a lot of thoughts about Kash and Zahra and their respective patrons and the associated stereotypes. Z’s a tiefling and a warlock, stereotypically someone who made a shady deal to get power, but her relationship with her patron is much Much healthier than Kash’s.  Zahra’s patron Sirius is hinted to be a star spirit, imprisoned in a constellation for betraying the moon goddess Sehanine, but he seems to have saved Zahra not out of any deal for his freedom but because he couldn’t bring himself to watch an abandoned, suffering child die just after freeing herself. Her own father kept her in a cage, but Sirius showed her that what happened to her was wrong, that she didn’t deserve it, and empowered her to help herself and others, and Z grew up to be incredibly compassionate and empathetic.  Kash is a cleric, stereotyped as Good™️, but he begs the question: Can fear motivate someone to be a good person? He does good things, but at the beginning of his arc, out of obligation, sometimes resentfully, and most of all crippling terror of what Vesh will do if he doesn’t. He was taught that he was Vesh’s Chosen One, and even when he defies that, he still thinks he has sole responsibility for stopping her. He’s simultaneously extremely arrogant and has no sense of self-worth, and he's shocked that Zahra saves his life “when she didn’t need to” Something about how true altruism is hard when you’re denied humanity and living in fear, but it’s easier when someone shows you you’re not alone.  Whatever he did in the past, Sirius taught Zahra kindness, and Z took that lesson to heart. When Kash needed a bit more help to break his cycle of abuse, she paid it forward. idk I just think it’s touching that Zahra and Kash show that healing can be a cycle as well as trauma.  (Tysm if you read all of this, hope it wasn't too much!)

It was not too much at all and I would like to reiterate once again that I would really like to talk to you, Nonny. You’ve got some interesting thoughts here and I’d like to be able to chat with you and discuss this with you and actually have someone to attribute some of these thoughts to, rather than be left to point at the shadow of a stranger that could be anyone.

I think you make a very good point about the points of similarity vs. contrast with Kash and Zahra, and it’s very fun that they have very different relationships with their patrons than what most expect. People expect clerics to have a much more voluntary, positive relationship with their gods, while warlocks and their relationships to their patrons are frequently much more suspect. The fact that these two flip that on its head is a lot of fun, and the fact that they end up so close does draw the mirroring into sharp relief.

I think also that it’s notable that Zahra’s faith in her patron is such that even full awareness of what awful things another’s patron could do, the betrayal of that kind of trust, doesn’t make her doubt Sirius. She has to know a good part of what Vesh has done to Kash to have helped him grow in the way we see on stream (for more on why, please read this wonderful meta by @exhaustedwerewolf) but it at no point and in no way makes her doubt Sirius. Just based on her personality I highly doubt her faith in him is blind, which suggests instead that, in some way, he has proven trustworthy to her, proven supportive, proven to be all the things Vesh isn’t to Kash - and so in turn, likely helps Zahra explain to Kash what’s so fucked up about everything with Vesh, because she has the example of what powerful, supportive patronage can look like.

The rest of your ask and the rest of my thoughts are going beneath a cut because they get long and rambly and discuss some things related to what you brought up but more… adjacent rather than direct.

Firstly is - I do mean this gently, because I think it’s something that many people don’t think too deeply about in good part because Kash himself disinvites people from thinking too deeply about him by being so abrasive - but I don’t think he was ever motivated by fear to be good, as you put it. I think he always was good, underneath it all, and I promise you this isn’t just me defending the blorbo! I promise!

The thing is… Vesh is evil. We know from the Campaign guides that other followers of Vesh actively create cults, that one follower over in Wildemount is happy to torture people for his goals. Being good is something he does very much in spite of her. His abrasiveness is his attempt to keep people away - from asking too deeply about his foundational trauma - but… for all that he definitely is afraid of Vesh, if fear was his primary motivator, I don’t think he���d ever have attacked her when he was fifteen. 

We know he didn’t know the truth until the culmination of the Sting and the binding rite - her sweat mixed with his blood and he gained her memories and that’s how he discovered that she’s (ha!) god-awful. He would know from those memories that she murdered everyone in his village, everyone he’s ever known and loved. That she enjoyed doing that. He would know from those memories that she murders chosen who she feels betray her, and those around them, and we know he’s aware of this long before we are (thanks to the Campaign Guides) because he says when we first meet him that they can’t ask her for a favour because, to quote: “I suppose I could, but there’s a good chance she’ll kill you, me, and everyone around at the same time.”

He knows he is not exempt from Vesh’s murderousness - if he’d wanted to stay alive, his best bet would have been to do nothing! To bow to her will and cede to her whims. But despite that, on discovering what she truly was, his first instinct was to try to stop her. At fifteen. 

Boy is a life cleric through and through, he really is, because what this shows is that, despite all of his abrasiveness, despite his claims to and at times appearance of self-centredness (and I have no doubt that he has historically been an arrogant shit, he was literally raised as a chosen one!) he does care deeply about the wellbeing of others, both his loved ones and total strangers. He fought Vesh most likely knowing full well that she could and probably would try to kill him for it but he did it anyway, because he refused to allow something as evil as Vesh to exist in the world.

I… honestly think that, underneath all his trauma and abrasiveness, Kash has always been good, has always believed in life and healing - it’s just that his cult upbringing and the brutal revelation of it during his formative trauma kind of made it hard for him to believe the same of others. He lost the naivete and hope that’s part of what initially annoys him with Keyleth - but I also think it’s what draws him to her, and draws him to Zahra. Here are people each with their own shit, each with their own reasons to be just like him and… they’re not. They’re kind, they’re loving, they’re hopeful. Keyleth tries to keep spirits up even when Vax is in the worst mood ever and Tiberius is… Tiberius, Thorbir is rolling nat1s all over the show and Kash is being Kash. Zahra saves his life when she didn’t have to and, it’s worth remembering because this is before his healing even a little, when he’d most likely been a dick to her first! These two women show him very firmly that niceness, kindness, love and empathy, are not signs of weakness. Are not meaningless. And I think that’s a good part of why he’s then so open with Zahra and why he finds it so much easier to be open with and apologise to Keyleth - because these people have proven his trauma-induced worldview wrong.

And I think this is really cool! To link it back to what you’ve said about Zahra and Kash’s mirroring, Kash is a life cleric, raised to be a life cleric. By all rights his faith should enforce that belief and should support that belief, because that would empower him further, support their god and their faith… and it doesn’t! The cult and Vesh actively undermine it. Meanwhile Zahra is a child, newly freed of abuse, still primed to easily fall back into an abusive system or cycle and… instead, the offer from someone powerful to support her isn’t a trick to take advantage of her. It is genuine, it is a support she willingly leans on for the whole time that we see her. You expect the faith that instils belief in life to be positive - but it isn’t (people who want to poke at religious trauma in Critical Role, you’re all sleeping on Kashaw, I s2g)! And you expect the help offered by something so powerful to one without to come with significant strings attached - and again, it doesn’t! They are fantastic mirrors and the fact it wasn’t planned astounds me.

Seeeecondly, this is much more of a general ramble because I have seen that theory about Sirius possibly being a Star Spirit too, and I actually have no idea where it originated? 

I first saw it on the wiki, and I’ll admit that it’s what I’m going with with what I’m writing, largely in lieu of anything else, but the thing is… I don’t know that the theory necessarily holds water? I think it’s just the best theory we’ve got to go on for now, if we don’t want to go with “Sirius is something completely unknown about which we know next to nothing” but… I also think the evidence for this is pretty thin on the ground and it makes me want to poke at all of the options with a stick.

I want answers, damnit.

You see - we get precious little about Sirius in the Campaign and, unlike Vesh, I don’t believe we’ve learned anything extra from the Campaign Guides. Sirius appears to be a Great Old One, based on what we see of Zahra’s powers, while I think a Star Spirit would be more likely to be a Celestial patron. They’re trapped in their current state due, very specifically, to having betrayed Sehanine, which suggests they were in a position of trust with her prior to that betrayal, so they could be anything from like the drow were to Correllon (the betrayal of worshippers and creations) to what Lolth was to Correllon (the betrayal of a celestial companion and creation). Given their apparent power, I would suspect they were the latter, perhaps some kind of celestial servitors to Sehanine, which would be fitting with what we know of other god’s celestial support. We know the Raven Queen’s angels were, almost to a one, lost during the conflict with the Betrayer gods, we know that same conflict drastically reduced Sarenrae and Ioun’s power, and it’d be the time period most likely to lead to one powerful group betraying another which held them as trustworthy - certainly, the Betrayer gods are called that for a reason! And they’re called Star spirits, which does certainly match to Sehanine’s role of the moon goddess - both are celestial bodies, after all.

And that’s another hitch in my wondering what exactly Sirius is, because Sirius is very explicitly associated with Catha, the primary moon itself, and not the stars or a constellation as the spirits explicitly are. And he’s a Great Old One, not any kind of Celestial (which would be doubly fitting if he was a Star spirit, and thus an entity of, again, the celestial sphere, yes I know it’s a silly bit of wordplay but it makes me happy, damnit). 

I’d be very interested to find out where the theory originated, because the only real links I can see for it is just… Sehanine herself existing, that Sirius is surprisingly empathetic/trustworthy for a Great Old One, and that Star Spirits are capable of being some kind of powerful patron. And… it’s not like deities big and small can’t share domains or have overlapping ones (both Melora and Pelor overlap in how they help plants grow and thrive, and both Pelor and Sarenrae share the domains of the sun and light), nor that a Great Old One couldn’t be attached to a very specific aspect of something otherwise largely linked to another entity (many of them have aspects of madness, which several Betrayer gods can tap into) or learn how to connect to mortals, nor that there aren’t many kinds of powerful warlock patron!

I’d honestly be really interested to find out more about Sirius, the Great Old One patron directly, not just what he is, but also how he came to be so empathetic, trustworthy and caring for a type of entity that is, pretty explicitly in most material, quite alien to mortal life! Great Old Ones are weird and strange and other, they are often the epitome of blue/orange morality, and this usually leads to a disconnect between them and those they bestow patronage upon. And yet… Zahra has absolute, easy faith in Sirius. While Kash is terrified to invoke Vesh to try to resurrect Vex, Zahra acts without hesitation to invoke her patron as her offering to try to save her. She goes out of her way to meditate in moonlight to connect to him. There is absolutely something there, that makes him more connected to mortal lives than one would expect of a Great Old One.

[ghooostbaby]

watching everything everywhere all at once made me have so many thoughts about what it is about the connections between hua cheng and he xuan that hit me so hard. it’s this sidestepping of the importance of origins and fate. it moved me so much when it was revealed that joy just wanted her mom to be with her, to share with her the horror at the “everything”, infinity, meaninglessness. and in an inversion of that, evelyn wanted to push her daughter away from her and the nothing, void, meaninglessness of her own life, so she wouldn’t be like her. their origins from each other pulls them together in the future. and i guess they healed together, like a cycle coming back around. so much of this is because of the way evelyn fights for her daughter, and learns from her husband the tools she needs to fight - laughter, kindness...

so what if that doesn’t happen? what if those bonds just fade away, the parent doesn’t fight for their child. i think of hua cheng, unconnected to his family of origin, with his mother gone, the family he has doesn’t seem to be his people at all. the things he attaches to are outside of them - remnants of his mother who is long since gone by the time he is only ten years old, and xie lian, a complete stranger who shows him compassion. the notion of hereditary cycles and healing that is such a popular trope just falls away when it comes to him (and most people who have survived child abuse). the family you come from has nothing to do with you, there is no healing to be found there. there is no possibility of return, or desire to. (and what a queer act it is to figure yourself into a lineage, generational connection, or any deep family-like bond with someone who is not a blood relation.)

(side note this is a reason why i really resent when people insist on making jiang cheng and wei wuxian of mdzs reconcile, when the fact that wei wuxian never reconciles with the family he grew up with but DOES find healing, purpose, and love in the end with other people, particularly a group of people he had seemed completely incompatible with at the start, is one of very few stories that offers a possibility of healing for people who cannot return to their original family.)

i was reading this book studying the concept of what ‘home’ is by interviewing refugees, specifically refugees from cyprus who had been settled in the UK for decades, how they enacted the work of creating a new home in a new place after having left the original home ... and it struck me how the ocean is this non-place in between from the original home and the new home to be created when people migrate from one to the other. and to occupy the ocean as a home is to reject ‘home’ and stay in the liminal in-between space most people only come to in order to move through. which of course reminds me of he xuan, and ghosts in general, occupying the liminal space of death that most people arrive at only move on to the other side.

i get more and more interested in ghosts all the time. and how in tgcf they’re really this archetype of profound hope, desire, passion, sincerity, and goodness, contradictorily, while the gods are cynical, self-serving, small-minded, tiresome, mundane.

the pathways he xuan and hua cheng as ghosts take is so interesting for what they abandon, the way they abandon their origins and even themselves (or their original selves). they don’t move forward in a trajectory toward a resolution or return that makes sense on a scale of linear progress that is (supposedly) typical human pattern. they move into endless transformation and expansion, into other forms, other beings, becoming a something else, an other and an other and an other ... they follow a twisting path that goes nowhere in particular, as long as it follows their own desire deeper and deeper into itself, wherever that leads, whatever that is.

(gotta write something about he xuan and hua cheng’s malleable, transforming, non-stable, non-fixed bodies soon too!!)

he xuan and hua cheng are very different as well, and don’t fit perfectly, as much as they are parallel and connected by the coincidence of how they end up as similar beings. that’s what interesting to me about their connection - it’s not fated, it’s not a return. it’s something else. their bond is not something that makes sense of their past or fixes anything, it’s a complete chance that they end up in the same place at the same time, with complementary goals and skills.

unlike hua cheng, he xuan has this rootedness in his family and a sense of who he is in his connection to them, but he loses them and becomes a ghost and the way he adapts to the circumstances of the centuries, his desire and determination to stay and live and fight has him transforming and shifting away from the person he was in the past. huaxuan don’t seemed meant for each other in the sort of way that hualian has this beautiful symmetry, the way most romances have this demand for symmetry and balance, ordering something sensible and meaningful out of heartbreaks of the past that are returned to and answered for by this romance of the present/future.

it’s like the shore that meets the ocean is just land that happens to be there. at the end of a journey from a home that is no longer safe, the traveller finds a place to make a new home that is just a place that happens to be available for them that they might not necessarily like or want, it may not have poetic connections to their original home that soothe them that it will all make sense, it’s just a place that’s there that they will have to make a home out of. and i really have come across so few stories when an original home, or a foundational relationship are truly truly lost and gone forever, and it’s still ok, miraculously. and huaxuan is that story in my mind. it just seems miraculous to me to create a home out of anything, anywhere, by your choice to make it one.

[cresvalkyrie]

fear, guilt, hate and hide for Orion and Hauyne for the ask game👀

fear: What is your OC's greatest fear? What do they do when confronted with it? Are they open with their fear, or do they hide it away? Hauyne - fears being abandoned and left alone - will suffer from a complete mental and emotional breakdown when confronted with it, - would rather die than admit she has this fear

Orion - fears the death of their loved ones - will do everything in their power to make sure it never happens, even if it meant going against their own principles - somewhat? only those they trust know about this fear

guilt: What is your OC guilty about? How do they handle their guilt? Do they try to avoid guilt, or do they accept it? Hauyne - guilty that she was powerless to stop the cycles from even happening, having to lose the friends she once knew and getting to know different versions of them - that's the neat part, she doesn't. she just pushes herself forward without even giving herself the time she needed to process them - she neither avoids nor accepts it. if it happens, it happens, and she'll just carry on with her life while doing her best not to let it get in the way of her mission. even if it'll usually come back and bite her later down the line.

Orion - guilty that they ended up breaking their promise to their mother to protect their little sister, even if it was beyond their control - they handle it by taking in anyone who's younger than them and assumes an older sibling role to them, pretty much becoming a mother hen to them and ensuring that they are well-cared for - they try to accept it, but it's hard. they still want to find their sister one day, and make it known that they never stopped looking for her no matter how long it took

hate: What does your OC hate? Why? How do they act towards the object of their hatred? Hauyne - she hates Garufans in general - blames them for being responsible for the events of the main plot, particularly the cycles since karma is one of their creations in a last-ditch attempt to save themselves from extinction - also hates them for the genocide of her kind, as well as being the reason why they've faded into obscurity with their numbers scattered, never to recover even after millennia, and indirectly causing the extinction of her family branch - will treat them with cold suspicion in general, but if they've proven themselves to be a loyal friend she'll gradually warm up to them

Orion - hates people who mistreat their family members for whatever reason, or cruelty in general - mostly a case of "good cannot understand evil", since they themself are incapable of such cruel acts even if they tried - also because it reminded them of their own abusive father, who treated them very poorly as he couldn't accept his eldest child's identity and that they could not live up to his expectations - they will react with uncharacteristic anger towards the abuser, not trusting them to be around the victim without it escalating into an assault

hide: What does your OC hide? Why do they hide it? Hauyne - she hides the fact that she isn't human - due to past negative experiences where she was mistreated for being born the way she is, she's learned to hide the parts of herself that give away her true nature in an effort to masquerade as an ordinary human girl - there's also a lot of things she hides from other people, since she's a secretive and reserved person by nature

Orion - hides their own insecurities and fears - believes that they have to be a strong, unshakeable pillar for their loved ones and therefore they must not show any weakness - another reason behind that was due to their father abusing them for showing vulnerability, as it is not something a "true man" would do - they've gotten better at it over time, with some help from their friends and loved ones

[leonawriter]

I think there's something special to be said for interpreting Akechi's feelings toward Akira as romantic or whatever, because it really ties in with the theme of the Cycle of Abuse - we see in the first arc, how Mishima hurts others because Kamoshida is hurting him, we see how Madarame's former students are lashing out in their own ways, we see how others do similar.

In Akechi's case?

His mother was used and then abandoned by Shido, and after that she died; either through intentional suicide or not. And Akechi was left to pick up the pieces.

With Akira, Akechi basically takes the place of the person taking advantage of their partner, using him for information and as a way in, using seduction tactics to get closer regardless that he likely never *intended* to form a genuine bond. Then, he outright kills Akira and makes it seem like a suicide, leaving the Phantom Thieves (Akira's friends) and, assuredly if that had actually happened, his parents also, to pick up the pieces.

Akira takes the form of a trickster who reshapes not only his own fate, but breaks Akechi's own cycle of abuse simply by surviving. He's no longer a victim, and Akechi is no longer the same as his father by both of them having killed (one way or another) someone who had been in a relationship with them.

Akechi's able to move past that point and re-establish their relationship. Even if the engine room is his breakdown, it's still healthier than keeping it building up, and he does still save Akira (and the others). And after that, they're almost able to start afresh, without being caught in the cycle still.

[kalihaze604]

Wednesday, January 17th, 2024

rest and digest

My nervous system is finally healing! This is something major to celebrate because I’ve spent most of my life in an anxious state of fight/flight/freeze/fawn as a result of a lifetime of narcissistic abuse that started with my manipulative and controlling parents. Early childhood is the root of everyone’s problems, and most folks don’t even want to acknowledge that their childhood wasn’t as pretty as they romanticized it to be to avoid processing the painful parts that got bottled up and left to rot and deal with later. Even my own father said “well most peoples childhood isn’t perfect” but was completely unwilling to have any sort of self awareness or accountability for his actions and how his trauma was intergenerational and yes that he does in fact have trauma that was ever addressed and narcissistic personality disorder as a result. My parents will never accept the consequences for their actions yet my mom made sure to constantly yell at me and drill into my head that I always needed to think about “what happens next” yet it’s clear this is just “do as I Say -not as I Do”! It’s pointless to expect my parents to ever heal or apologize for how much harm they caused. Growing up with two narcs made me normalize abuse and view abuse as love, setting me up for a series of failed traumatic abusive relationships mostly with narcissists. Abuse was all I knew and I just wanted a happy ending to my trauma cycle but repeating it was not bringing anything more than more pain and abuse. Then my pain got so bad I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia, and my pain worsened as my symptoms diversified. Western medicine was literally useless in terms of providing anything other than inadequately low doses of opiate pain meds but I later realized that my own doctor was another person with narcissistic personality disorder and that was significantly impacting my care. She never took my pain seriously and gave me breadcrumbs of care while getting paid huge amounts of money by the government and disability system from neglecting, abusing and often abandoning me to die when she didn’t have answers. Asking an abuser to help heal an Illness caused by abuse is insane, I realized. This doctor’s last name literally rhymes with Evil and the first time I saw her, I thought the nurse said “you’ll be seeing Dr Evil tonight!” Which I thought was hilarious at the time but it was likely just my intuition trying to scream and tell me to run away from this bitch before things got worse. I was always doing sex work to pay for medical cannabis because she was always underprescribing me so I had to pay extra to actually manage my pain and be able to function. I stopped speaking to my doctor in May when I was crying uncontrollably while I begged for another prescription increase and she refused. I stopped seeing her and started buying a small amount of low dose diverted pills to be able to adequately manage my pain this summer. There’s a whole community that is being neglected by their doctors and underprescribed meds, so they sell or trade their low dose meds for higher dose unregulated products or cash to be able to manage their pain and function. A whole community of folks that were failed by western medicine and are now “self medicating” or whatever label gets slapped on these folks who are already super criminalized.

In December, after a breakup with yet another Narc that had caused extreme fibromyalgia flare ups by either fucking me into a flare up or emotionally neglecting me to the point I react by shutting down and going into a freeze state. My body was fucking tired. My back was covered in burns from my heating pad and a wicked hyperpigmentation skin rash. Some dude once catcalled me with “ I LOVE your scars!” Like bro there’s nothing cool about these unique markings, you can get them too if you can commit to spending 12+ hours per day glued to a heating pad for a year and a half straight! Anyways I’m sure they’ll fade once I stop using my heating pad and commit to putting thc/cbd transdermal cream on my back regularly to heal and nourish the sensitive angry skin.  

Since deleting social media I’ve been spending way less time rotting in bed glued to my heating pad. I have honestly surprised myself with how much I have accomplished in the last couple days. Since getting out of that relationship and going no contact with my abusive bio family, I feel like my nervous system has majorly calmed the fuck down for the most part. I’ve lost so much weight unintentionally over the past month and a lot has been in the “cortisol belly” area that’s known as a fat storage site when you have high cortisol levels caused by extreme stress and nervous system deregulation. I had boxes of extra small clothes sitting in storage since 2018, and now they all fit me again! Size totally depends on the cut and on the brand but I’m fitting into size 0/xxs clothes now and that’s what I consider a normal size for me? Five fucking years is what it took to get my body back after losing all human rights and control over my body thanks to extended leave, being forced to take mood stabilizers I didn’t need that caused extreme weight gain and the useless mental health system. I’ve been getting so much done lately but I’ve also been resting a lot and having such good sleep and naps now. In the fall I struggled to sleep because I was so stressed and miserable and couldn’t stop thinking, couldn’t relax and rest, there was too much on my mind. It feels so Damn good to be so relaxed. It feels so good to look in the mirror and see myself again and actually feel completely content and confident in my body.

[beigepillow]

I actually stumbled across saezuru by complete chance when I was checking out my Instagram. I’d seen it before so I decided to check out the manga and like this is a really brutal, heartbreaking story.

I don’t remember if it was the end of chapter 1 or 1.1 but when we see Y sitting on the windowsill of his apartment and he just starts sobbing? It felt like my heart was breaking for him, for the way he thought of himself and for the horrible things he’s been through and for what he felt he had to do to survive the trauma. What’s the line again … I think it’s when he’s with D but Y thinks something along the lines of “he doesn’t understand what it would mean to give in” or was it something like forget that part of himself? I think for Y letting himself be loved or cared for means letting in all the bad things that have happened and being forced to process them. It’s like by not caring he doesn’t need to deal with the trauma and the cycle he’s stuck in because in his eyes it is something that happened and it doesn’t matter anymore (even though it does).

Though I’m not gonna lie I almost walked away when Y was remembering the abuse he suffered at his stepfathers hands. It was so graphic and terrifying and I remember having to walk away from the manga for a bit. I think is the first time I’ve read something that would be considered “dark” and I guess I didn’t realize what that entailed.

I just hope these two get their happy ending. I don’t like that this is classified as a tragedy because it makes me nervous. I think Y needs face his past and his trauma and I think he needs to choose to walk from the cycle of abuse but I also think it’s hard because even when we know something is bad for us if it feels like it’s protecting us? Giving us control over bad memories and bad things that have happened to us? I think it’s hard to walk away.

Also sorry for the rant >.<

I stumbled upon saezuru while I was looking for bl smut lol. The line you’re thinking of is in chapter 32 where he thinks “if I let him into my heart, I will have to abandon who I am. But this guy will never understand what that entails.” About Doumeki. I think you’re right in that Yashiro is deeply afraid of having to confront the things that happened to him. I think people tend to focus more on Yashiro giving Doumeki up to protect him and that he was afraid of Doumeki not actually loving him but it was also about the fear of vulnerability. If Yashiro let Doumeki in, he knows he would never be able to go back to his defense mechanisms if Doumeki decided to leave him one day and that is terrifying. But then he ends up losing his defense mechanism anyway and seems to worn out to keep up appearances. While that scene was graphic and deeply triggering, it was important to the story. Yashiro tends to write off the abuse he suffered at the hands of his stepfather and so can the audience at times but then there are these moments where the severity of it all hits Yashiro and by extension us to remind us of the reality of the situation. We realize how much pain Yashiro is actually in and how difficult it has been for him to be trapped in this cycle of abuse. I completely understand why you would need to walk away for a bit. Both Yashiro and Doumeki are supposed to flawed characters that we can both empathize with and relate to. It can be extremely difficult to walk away from something that helped us cope and provided a level of comfort, however false that comfort was, but Yashiro has reached a point where he is willing to work towards being with Doumeki. Both have been tragic characters so far but I wouldn’t necessarily say saezuru is a tragedy. There is a hopeful tone we sometimes get a glimpse of. I believe that Yashiro and Doumeki can get a good ending whatever that will look like; both just need to have their journey.

[kudzucataclysm]

ramblings so far abt frank...next to no editing so be niceys to meee

Francis Mueller

The one thing to note about Francis and why she does the things she does: every single adult in her life up to this point has failed her, which in turn manifests into a feeling of deep, agonizing self loathing.

While of course she’s blamed Friday, Roxanne, and even Vincent, the one constant in all these relationships that only she can see is herself. She is disgusted by her own existence and deals with this by externalizing all her negative emotions, which leads to most of her interpersonal relationships failing; she burns the bridges before they’re crossed because she’s so deeply scared of being hurt again. She also spares whatever ‘pain’ she brings to others by making people hate her. In her mind she is ultimately what brings suffering to people who get close to her, and wishes that she never existed.

She is rude, inconsiderate, amoral, aggressive, and emotionally explosive/volatile. She lashes out verbally and physically when things don’t either go her way or she’s met with something unexpected. She likes to have control over her immediate situation and herself- if she loses that she loses her sense of self, which leads to her lashing out. Her ultimate defense mechanism when being insulted or hurt is to hit back with 200% effort or to isolate herself for days on end, neglecting her own needs and hygiene. She puts out a persona of hardass, and her emotional wall is so expertly built up that no one could ever see her more vulnerable side. She’s largely untrusting and paranoid, believing that anyone being nice or charitable to her has ulterior motives; she is, in a way, desperate to connect with people and to be wanted, but she’s so scared of abandonment, abuse or of people making fun of her that she’s made her personality as abrasive and hurtful as possible in order to make others avoid her. Her self esteem is a whole other monster; while she presents herself as not giving a shit ever about anything, it's a facade to hide away her own sensitivity about how people see her. She doesn’t like depending on others because she’s used to being alone and vulnerability/feelings isn’t her strongest suit, especially when being vulnerable is what caused her to feel the most pain in the past. These fears prevent her from growing as a person and have locked her into a cycle of self destruction.

How her actions have affected others make many important people in her life have different responses: Friday is desperate to reconnect and is willing to let Francis use them and even hurt them if it made her happy, and Francis uses this to its full advantage by using them while keeping them at arm's length. Roxanne no longer interacts with Francis in any way that's not verbal abuse or chastisement, as she stopped physically harming Francis years ago. Vincent has all but given up on Francis but still has a soft spot for her, and recognizes that she’s failed but refuses to make up for it or change; if anything Vincent is tired of dealing with Francis’s shit. Everyone else sees her as simply what she presents herself as: a tool. Mercenary work/contract killing is all she knows, and what she thinks she’s best at, so she’s scared to change.

The narrative…well, she’s largely a product of her environment. Her circumstances are convoluted but all too familiar for many who have suffered from abuse. Francis is meant to be an antithesis to Desmond of sorts- the two balance each other out and help each other in ways no one else can. The reason as to why eventually Francis can break out of her cycle is because of Desmond and vice versa