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bunnieswithknives · 5 months ago

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hey in ur peri animatic: (https://youtu.be/OCqlRuDaXYU?si=K52WDu_vw9rg7chz) that I have been permanently obsessed over since today and have watched about 20 times by now so much that I have drawn & posted stuff based on it what was that partial bug form peri had?

I haven’t watched either of the show btw so if it’s explained in the show please tell me plsssss

OK, SO the bug thing is not technically canon to the series. It's based on my own headcanons for fairy biology, but i do have justifications for it!! Fairies have very strong shape-shifting abilities, so it would make sense that the form they show to humans isn't necessarily their true form(not to mention extreme that mimicry is very common in insects). And you want to know the visible traits almost every fairy has in common? Being very small with Insect-like wings.

The fact that their humanoid form isn't their true form in actually confirmed in the show! Cosmo and Wanda are revealed to look like biblically accurate pseudo-angels in the museum episode. (I say pseudo angels because the Flaming Sword of Eden is only debatably sentient and I don't think is considered an angel. Ophanim are also debatably not angels because they don't have wings (sorry for the angel tangent I like angels))

So wouldn't their true forms be angelic then? Well, yes. But I like bugs so. Also I have more headcanons to justify myself. I like to think that they have both a true-true form (incomprehensible to the human brain, probably exists mostly in a dimension invisible to us, that looks how we imagine biblically accurate angels), and a fairy form (which is visible to humans but is naturally very insect like and tends to scare people). So, in order to interact with humans, they have to learn to shapeshift into a humanoid form but will occasionally slip if they get too relaxed/aren't careful, hence the mandibles coming out when he yawns!

The reason they struggle so much more with human forms than the animals or objects they typically turn into is that, well, they aren't trying to convince those animals or objects. The more human they try to look, the harder it is to keep up convincingly. If you turn into a really uncanny squirrel, only other squirrels will notice. If you turn into a really uncanny human, they form a lynch mob and burn you at the stake.

#fop #fairly oddparents #fairly oddparents a new wish #fop a new wish #headcanons #ok I think I said everything I wanted to #my brain has so many useless thoughts bouncing around in there #their bright colors would also imply that they are poisonous to eat #my personal theory is that Jorgen is half human idk how else to explain whatever he is. tall. no wings. that or he's something else entirel #maybe he's a higher rank of angel #fairies are definitely a type of angel in this world #but they don't seem to line up with any specific rank as far as I can tell #they behave most like I'd expect a Guardian angel to which could make Jorgen an Archangel or Principality #but Ophanims are in the first sphere of heaven which. uh I don't think it's right #to be clear I'm not even religious im just way too into angels #Uhhhh anyway I guess the moral of the story is that I did that just because I wanted to an because nobody could stop me #Actually Im just thinking about this now #I mostly drew baby poof without bug features to keep his design uncluttered visually #but fairies having naturally very human looking larva would explain how changelings happen #something something evolution. mutualism. those parasite birds. idk #ok im out of thoughts now seriously this time youre free now #speculative biology

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dailyloopdeloop · 7 months ago

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loop and mirabelle. That's it that's the ask

DAY 84: enrolled in the gossip wars

#codacheetah #isat #loop isat #mirabelle isat #isat spoilers #vaguely. mostly for the tags #i think it'd be sooo funny if like. loop and mirabelle postcanon.#loop has rejoined the party somewhat recently and they are not at all adapting. to be honest. reunion probably happened too soon #bc they are a siffrin which means they are disgustingly sentimental. their ass is not taking the time to discover themself as a new person.#do you really think loop is gonna take their own advice.lol.#lmao even #Ok so anyways i think the party and loop would have a weird thing going on #like theyre all extremely grateful to loop. and they trust loop through the general basis of theyre apparently very dear to siffrin #but fucking nobody knows what to make of this bitch. odile knows they are hiding Something but she has no certain evidence to pin it down.#isabeau can't catch loop alone for more than 5 seconds. has the distinct sense they're avoiding him and he does not know why #bonnie....well tbh i think they'd vibe with loop. bonnie win.#mirabelle. i think she wouldn't really like loop? not at first anyways #do you remember in sasasap mirabelle telling siffrin(loop) that for a long time she thought they were a callous sort of person #bc they never took anything seriously at all. like the whole journey didnt mean anything. until they took an eye for bonnie #i think mirabelle would catch a similar vibe towards loop(lol.) bc like #like loop's main presence in the group is negging siffrin and being weird and dodgy around everyone else #i don't even think they'd be mean to the others but they would do everything in their power to throw the party zero bones #so all mirabelle has to go on for loop is that they're kind of a dickhead to her friend and that they're not receptive to normal group #social activities. i think being on the receiving end of mirabelle's kindness would make loop kind of sad and she'd pick up on it #but like. loop is inexplicably important to siffrin. she doesn't know the details bc neither of them want to talk at all about the loops #and i think siffrin would be especially dodgy abt talking about loop in the interrim between them rejoining and them being Presumed Dead #so mirabelle tries a new strategy to bridge the gap between her and loop. the power of Mutual Haterism #more specifically i think mirabelle would get the impression of loop as being much more of a bitch than they actually are #due to the aforementioned siffrin negging #so like. maybe that's just how they socialize maybe they'd be down to talk about hot takes and gossip a bit

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asmodeusamaryllis · 3 months ago

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#mairimashita! iruma kun #welcome to demon school iruma kun #mairuma #m!ik #beem r. judain #silvia sabnock #Nobody shared so I thought I would #Idk seeing maybe something wonderful happen n Silvia being there aughh

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automatonknight · 2 years ago

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id: a digital, fullbody drawing of fark from spark the electric jester. he’s shown standing with his left arm hanging and his side, while his right hand is at his chest. he has a neutral expression. the background is lime green. end id

#^not caught up with the game yet but i needed to draw something to clense my palette or i'd explode. badly #speaking of. i would LIKE to get into it very much but with my brain idk when that will happen #cleanse* fuck #ok whatever #art #fanart #stej #spark the electric jester #fark stej #at first i thought he was like. spark but in armor but it turns out that's his robot clone. awesome #also. gave him a tail. hope nobody minds

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13reasonstoeatthatcake · 7 months ago

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I really want to know how Lilith Sorrengail feels about trying her best to get her youngest daughter away from whatever it was that her dad supposedly found in the Archives after Brennan 'died', just to get said daughter even more involved with the tyrrish rebellion two: electric boogaloo.

#fourth wing #ngl my first thought reading the book was 'oh shit she Knew brennan wanted to use his sis as a scribe informant for the rebellion the same #way he maybe used his dad and she was like hell no and put her in the riders quadrant to get her brainwashed that navarre is right instead #so that she doesn't end up dead like spy-scribe dad and his questionable research into ward magic'#but then i thought about it more and decided i wasn't giving papa sorrengail enough credit bcoz he was Up to Something and got got for it #personally if my entire family was lying to me abt my big bro being alive i would lose my shit. that being said i find it incredibly funny #that everyone who knew violet best were like 'she finds out venin are a thing and she WILL do A Stupid out of righteous fury'#not A Stupid like smthn dumb; A Stupid like lead the entire scribe quadrant to a bloody revolution against Navarre Babel-style #I can't wait for this series to finish publishing so I can sit my ass down and plot out a scribe-revolution-leader-Violet AU #it can even be a viden secret arranged marriage. as a treat. because we need to merge the two rebellions of course #where is tiern in all of this? he got stuck babysitting teen andarna who is Super Mad her rider is a scribe. The Audacity! Navarre Will Pay #teenage dragon shenanigans occur. Scribe Violet bonds two dragons in front of her whole year. they're in the underground scribe library.#how did two enormous-ass lizards get in? nobody gives a shit. all scribes are too sleep-deprieved to care about distinguishing between #real life and halucinations. the dragons stay in the library. they get sat on because it's cold underground and fire lizards are Warm #command tries to find out if smthn weird is happening in the scribe quadrant but at this point every single one of them is in the rebellion #they have 600yrs of misinfo to correct. venin to dissect. what dragons? in the library? don't be ridiculous they'd burn the books #anyways i got carried away but library cats!tiern and andarna #kei writes

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hyumjim · 8 days ago

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I just think it is amazing that Felix is the most literal minded person on earth so he felt touched by the story of beauty and the beast and he wanted to write a song about it so he did and the song is like “I am the beast from beauty and the beast and I am in love with a woman whose name is belle and then I get in a fight with a guy and his name is Gaston but then belle the woman saves me and there is a happy ending and that’s what happened in beauty and the beast”

#this is extremely first thought first draft…. you guys couldn’t help him??? nobody helped him??? that really is so unfair #if I was there I would have been brainstorming with him. okay so what do you think the meaning is of the story. and how can we convey that #in the song. aside from just saying what happens in beauty and the beast. no I know you liked the movie I know #malicious gay faggotry #and is there anything in the movie that was maybe not ideal. you know how the beast has to turn into a handsome prince before he can #actually have the happy ending and marry belle. so the message to us real people is undermined somewhat #because it is ultimately all about traditional beauty #so would you want to maybe put something about that in the song. no? I mean it’s ok if the answer is no

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puppyeared · 1 year ago

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footnotes arent enough I need you to talk to me like im fucking Amelia Bedelia

#this isn’t about anything in particular btw. I just have to add a lot of memos when I’m doing things because some things are done a certain #way and it isn’t explained well in the instructions. like my mom has instructions on her baking recipes right #but when it says stuff like add dry ingredients to wet ingredients it also means you don’t dump it in one go you add it slowly by portion #this is probably why I find videos and demonstrations the most helpful when I learn something. like I almost always ask someone to show me #how they do it because there could be something they do that’s already second nature and wouldn’t really be considered in an explanation yk #I don’t think I’m an exception either. when the rice is done cooking I divide it into 4 quarters to bless it #but there are a million ways to divide rice and it makes me think that one persons way of doing it or not doing it all is just as valid #theres also technically no wrong way to divide rice afaik. this means either all ways of dividing rice is safe or valid until we find some #universally terrible way of dividing rice. until that happens nobody really thinks about specifying HOW you divide the rice #source: I have anxiety starting and doing things for the first time because I got way too many people yell at me NONONO WHAT ARE YOU DOING #THATS WRONG while I’m in the middle of doing the thing. I would rather have people think I’m either very stupid or overly specific #than go thru the panic inducing fear of ‘YOURE DOING THIS WRONG OMG WHY DIDNT YOU ASK AHEAD OF TIME THIS WILL BE FUCKED UP FOREVER’ 🧍#nothing wrong if you don’t give something a second thought because you’re so used to it. but I can and will ask about it and I don’t think I #really should feel bad about it if I don’t know enough to dispute it. idk #the other way around I try to be as specific as possible and word things in a way that people who might not get where I’m coming from will #understand. but the problem with that is my explanations tend to be lengthy and I lose them either way 🗿#Im. trying to work on that using examples and stuff because they seem to work the best #but if I could write everything down on a word doc and beam it into your melon that would save both of us time and embarassment #im rambling the short version is I have adhd #yapping

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dimiclaudeblaigan · 1 year ago

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No but something I love is how fucking loyal Miklan really is (in Hopes specifically since we don't have enough information in Houses).

At the camp, he takes his job seriously. Very seriously. He doesn't act begrudging or like he's just doing anything by force. As the chapters go on he not only goes from relatively aloof to a full fledged commander (which is great development in that span of chapters btw considering how fast the story has to progress) and one who fights for Faerghus because he wants to (why would he reassure the player that he's going to, literally, hold down the fort? Why doesn't he flee when his life is in immediate danger despite that Dimtiri prefers his allies to flee and save their lives over sacrificing themselves? Why does he like helping citizens who had their lands destroyed by the war, despite being a bandit who used to plunge towns just like those?).

At any time when the Empire was attacking, he could've surrendered and even joined their side because of not liking Faerghus and its people... if he didn't like Faerghus and its people. Also, someone brought this up to me once that Miklan likely has family in the Empire still, because his mother was from the Empire. He had a perfectly good out that wouldn't even necessarily be considered treason to Faerghus, i.e. surrendering and going to the Empire to protect that side of his family.

He doesn't. He dies for Faerghus. It was both a matter of honor due to the fact that he was finally living the life he always should've been and wanted to be respected for that, and also his loyalty that followed in the past's wrongs being righted. No matter what you think of Miklan post disinheritance, he was the heir who was removed because he didn't have a Crest. All over just that, despite that Sylvain having a Crest never meant they didn't still have someone capable of fighting off Sreng invasions.

They had someone able to wield the Lance of Ruin, so why did it matter if he was officially the heir? Miklan felt like his life was stolen from him (and I'm not saying what he did to Sylvain was okay either). Dimitri gave him all of that back and he started to become loyal to Faerghus and its king because Dimitri was giving the chance even the man's own father never gave him from the moment Sylvain was determined to have a Crest.

What happened in his life before Dimitri had him brought to him as soon as he became king is, in a way, almost like it never happened as far as Miklan's behavior. It was obviously there at first, but over time it's like it never happened. That is, if someone met him and didn't know about his past, by chapter 9 they'd never even know he'd had that history. He was the person he would've been years ago if he hadn't been disinherited, which led to the mess that led to him being disowned (and he says he just "left", but Matthias doesn't mince facts. At all. If that had been the case he wouldn't just say he disowned him. He would admit Miklan ran away. That means Miklan claims he left as a means of coping and trying to convince other people that it was his choice and not forced on him).

Miklan became a lot more loyal than he's ever given credit for, both in the game and in the fandom. Gwendal did recognize it, but that's about all we're given.

Gwendal corrected himself when Miklan died, referring to him instead as Sir Miklan instead of the insults he was spewing during their fight which were very clearly pissing Miklan off; but Miklan kept fighting and defending the fort, not just because he wanted to prove Gwendal wrong but because he was here because he was pulled out of his life as a bandit. The people he was defending the fort for were the people who effectively gave him his life back.

Basically, he would've been there in that fort defending it anyway if he had lived the life he should have to begin with. If his value was acknowledged all along, he would've been defending the most important fort in Faerghus all along (if this exact scenario occurred and everything was the same except him being disowned in the first place). He would be there being the commander and fighter he was supposed to be.

Mind you, it was the king himself who gave him that chance, meaning the person who reigns over Faerghus and has the most power to change whatever the hell he wants - including how people with Crests and without are treated. Miklan was part of a fight to better their society and be part of the new generation taking over. Nobody could truly change things unless the king - the top power - had the thought to change them (not saying Lambert thought the political climate was good the way it was, but he clearly had other priorities and it didn't seem to be something weighing on his mind. He may not have even truly noticed the problems and power discrepancies because he was so focused on other things).

However, the moment the king thought to change all that old stuff, Miklan was one of the first people who came to mind, and one of the first people he took action regarding, to integrate into his new army (and he even mentioned completely rearranging his army and whatnot, and then we find out he had Miklan located basically right after becoming king. We had a two year timeskip and Miklan had been there for those two years because of how soon after Dimitri was crowned that he had decided to bring Miklan back and give him another chance).

If the king sought to change things and was taking active action to prove it, that was something Miklan could see and realize was actually going to happen. It wasn't a blind trust - he could see Dimitri was actually doing it. He had a reason to be able to trust him with this.

He was also able to trust the people who were watching over him, i.e. the people Dimitri had making sure he didn't revert back to any sort of banditry. Those people could have easily faked it, made up that he did something and that they had killed him on the spot. Dimitri trusted those people not to do that of course, but those people were not told to bring him to Dimitri if he did anything. They were told to apprehend him and kill him immediately (which is reasonable, given what he'd done in the past, and they wouldn't want to try to wait to get Dimitri over to wherever they were. If Miklan escaped in that time, they'd just have a big problem on their hands).

So that is to say, those people could've just faked it at any point and killed him. They didn't. They, like Dimitri, were willing to give him another chance provided he didn't do anything bad.

The same goes for Felix and everyone else who had qualms about him being allowed into their army. Dimitri explicitly stated if anyone had issues with his appointment as a commander to "by all means" kill him themselves. He literally made it an open option for his friends to just up and kill him if they truly couldn't forgive him (which at that point was more reasonable of a time because the war was still new and people didn't know if they could trust him with this specific appointment yet. By later in the story I don't think it would have been as reasonable for someone to try to kill him after he'd already been proving himself).

In other words, nobody did it. Everyone, literally everyone, backed off and respected Dimitri's decision (and technically Sylvain and Matthias' as well). None of those people, even when given open opportunity, turned a weapon on him. Not one. These people all gave him a chance. These are the same people he died fighting for, and for himself to be able to feel like he was fighting and dying for what he would have to begin with if he hadn't been disinherited - Faerghus and its people.

In the end Miklan was in both rank and heart a top ranking commander of Faerghus and he both appreciated it and knew he appreciated it. He was looking forward to the future Dimitri would bring, basically saying that he thinks Dimitri is a fool ("weak-willed") for it but that he now believes in it too. If anyone wants to try arguing those points, I have receipts as the young folk call them, fresh from Miklan himself about his feelings about it as spoken to Catherine and Shamir!

Miklan fought for the future he was hoping to see, and he died protecting that future. Again, not something he by any means whatsoever had to do. He was tasked with guarding the fortress, but was never told to lay down his life defending it. After years and years of being hateful and angry, he finally had some peace of mind and hope for what he could be. He was loyal to Dimitri in the end because Dimitri was loyal to him - that is, he kept his word and Miklan was able to thrive in Dimitri's society without being a bandit or having to worry about his future because of his status.

Like Dimitri said, the only thing holding him down by that point were his past mistakes. It was up to Miklan to do something about that for himself with the opportunity he was given to fix it. Dimitri said here, fix it, and Miklan said okay, and worked to fix it. For me the saddest part is that he didn't even get enough time to properly fix it and be able to be free of his past. He died for Faerghus though, with his dying words being that he was able to buy them time (to arrive and fight back against the attacking Empire). That's not something someone who holds a resentful grudge would say in their last moments. He was grateful he managed to buy the other fighters time, even though it cost him his life.

hopes was a dumpster fire a whole lot of times but its incorporation of miklan into the plot was not one of them. miklan fire emblem my love you will live on in my heart and in my fics. i am also deeply grateful to hopes for uh i guess hopes-canonizing (hopesonizing???) basically every one of my headcanons about him before the game came out.

#Miklan #Miklan Anschutz Gautier #remember the time i mentioned working on a fic and it was an au and like #i had planned to kill him and glenn off together for the plot? and how i scrapped it bc i got too attached to them?#and i couldn't go through with it when i thought abt sylvain and miklan's could be would be relationship?#that was me on the right track for the rest of my life. even back then i see i had a FEELING #i just KNEW something. funny enough in hopes miklan has a line that's like #pretty close to what i had him say in the fic... so uh my assertions and understandings of his character #were scarily accurate before we had anything but him as an enemy in houses to go by #and what dimitri talked abt post that chapter. uhhh maybe i am a miklan whisperer???#anyway miklan is easily by far the most underrated character in the entirety of hopes #and one of the most underrated characters overall #he has one of the most interesting stories from start to finish (esp in hopes)#how he was a noble family's heir to being disinherited to becoming an angry and hateful child #to growing up like that bc evidently nobody tried to steer him on the right path #to getting disowned only to be disowned for a lol measly for few months or so TOPS in hopes lmao #before being told to come back. in houses he was disowned presumably exactly as long but #dimitri wasn't the top power of faerghus. he couldn't have made the decision he got to make in hopes #so ofc the whole yeehaw lance of ruin thing happened. in hopes' case he was gone that long and just #took a vacation basically and came back and was basically told /B E H A V E/#except everyone was finally trying to steer him in the right direction even if it was SUUUPER fucking late #and he was grown up and set in his ways/behaviors/mannerisms that arose due to his childhood and onward #BUT from there and after being a very spiteful bandit he pulled himself together and was genuinely happier for it #enough to the point of considering himself ''weak willed'' to have started to believe in these visions dimitri has for the future #it makes me sad how he died in ag and like... even outside of ag there was never any hope of that family being whole #they weren't whole from the moment sylvain was determined to have a crest #and they couldn't be whole in houses bc dimitri never had the chance to change anything #then in hopes they could never be whole bc a different gautier dies in every hopes route #my poor fam never even had a chance to be whole again even though they genuinely tried so hard to be ;n; ;n; ;n;

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lock-my-feelings-in-a-jar · 8 months ago

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Please BE EXCITED about stuff you like/ want to be excited about 💞 That's what life supposed to be about, finding joy in the smallest things, in the things we enjoy and love. And the people that judge us for having that joy in our hearts lose their own life, because they spend too much time judging someone else's life instead of doing something with their own. FUCK them

this is one of my favorite asks and i love you

#nobody will ever stop me from getting excited about things i like #i just always feel like i'm not allowed to share that excitement with anybody directly because of being made fun of in the past #or like i at least have to tone it down by like 99% and make it very brief #because of fear of rejection so i keep it to myself contained in my own space #sometimes i really wanna talk about my favorite things with somebody but i'm like #'nobody knows or cares about this. what if i send something and they hate it and tell me it's horrible'#(a reaction i've been the most used to. either that or just silence)#and i wouldn't know who would actually be interested or if i would be putting them in a situation #where they're not interested at all but they're too nice to say it and then i feel annoying if i keep talking about it #because now even if it isn't SAID that they hate it i still always feel like people are thinking that behind it all #so like if somebody came at me right now telling me everything i like is horrible #that itself wouldn't really bother me because i could just block and continue life without a second thought about that person specifically #because that's just unnecessary and rude regardless of what it's about and i would assume it's just somebody looking to stir things up #delete/block. not taking it personally and not worth thinking about #but it's the anxiety built up from it happening for so long and so consistently from so many people and some that i used to be close to #that now it feels to me that everybody feels that way even if i know LOGICALLY that it isn't true. the feeling is still there #it's one of the long-term effects that are so hard to get rid of once they're set #this is just another thing about myself to work on for probably my entire life #but russ has been helping me with so much lately it's unbelievable

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pixlmonkeys · 1 month ago

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I say this with the deepest sense of hatred imaginable, fuck this article

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biro-slay · 2 months ago

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Am I obsessed with Minecraft YouTubers AGAIN??

#i think i need help #they are on my mind 24/7 #and i have been posting about mcyt constantly on my blog #how i got introduced to mcytblr is a whole story that i might tell later #but i specifically wanna shout out how i didn't wanna post about it at first #i wasn't into shipping or anything like that at first #i didn't even think about the dynamics between people on hermitcraft/life series #i just didn't wanna talk about it on here #now i can probably can be considered an mcytblr blog #I didn't even know what hermitblr trafficblr or mcytblr were #now in addition to this blog being drowned out by mcyt #i have a blog about mumbo jumbo facts #and a blog i don't use much called warped-wart-block that i used for mcyt #tbh i like having it because it's a block nobody has claimed #something that's also funny #is that i avoid talking about stuff as it happens #like‚ if Big B came to hermitcraft for a visit i would freak out and faint #but i probably wouldn't even post about it on here #not to spoil people with pointless posts #but also because i wouldn't be able to contain all my thoughts in a post #and because it would kill my excitement #but i definitely will be posting about it a year later reminiscing about it later.#sorta like how bdubs started his 3rd episode of wild life #anyways i will stop yapping

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choking-on-roses · 2 months ago

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I am so used to being an afterthought in everyone's lives that if someone came along who put genuine effort into spending time with me, like truly just wanted to hang out with me and made time to do it, I would probably 1) break down sobbing and 2) immediately fall in love with them

#i have never had anyone who would put effort into coming to see me except my grandpa #when i moved to a university 1 hour away nobody in my family OR the person i was dating ever came to see me #even though nobody in my family had a full-time job at the time.#grandpa was the only one who would drive out to take me to lunch for my birthday #he died before i graduated though #anyway....#this has been triggered by me going to visit my 'friends' in the city i moved away from in March #i was there for four years and I asked a person i considered a genuine friend if she wanted to join me for a nice dinner #which i would be paying for btw. it's free for her #but she lives a 40 minute drive away so she said no thank you #like girl i haven't seen you in months and you can't make a 40 minute drive to come have a nice dinner and catch up?#i just don't fucking get it. and this happens to me over and over and over again #there is just nobody in my life who will make any fucking effort to see me #i once made plans with friends for my birthday and tried to make it in a convenient spot for everyone #we had these plans scheduled for months and one canceled the night before because he thought our other mutual friend wasn't coming #IT WAS *MY* BIRTHDAY. YOU COULD STILL COME. TO SEE ME??#like is there something wrong with me? does everyone secretly hate me or something?#i wish i fucking mattered to someone. anyone.#personal

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novadreii · 16 days ago

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i can hardly put into words how grateful i am to have regained the use of my brain in the past 6 months or so. before that, i struggled with terrible brain fog that persisted for years, making me feel i had a fishbowl popped on top of my head 24/7. i spent what limited brainpower i had trying to root out a cause from my diet. but it turns out that the culprit was a lethal combination of unhealed childhood trauma, as well as the stress and chronic insomnia from being in a relationship with a neglectful and inconsistent partner.

did you know that stress and trauma physically shrink your hippocampus (responsible for learning, memory) and increase the size of your amygdala (responsible for survival and fear responses)? my hippocampus must have been the size of a fucking pea, and my amygdala a baseball. i was basically a feral cat.

since quite literally fleeing that situation, i've been militant about therapy and taking care of myself: exercise, eating right, 8 hours of sleep per night without exception, and keeping my stress low. contrary to all the advice i've ever received before my current therapist, aside from occasional socializing with my extremely small circle of family and friends (whom i love dearly and who've all really rallied to support me through the shitstorm my life was earlier this year), i've fully indulged my love of solitude and being a homebody.

that, instead of shaming myself and pushing myself to be social when i don't feel like it, which is often. my mother used to do that plenty when i was a kid, because as a giant extrovert herself, it pained and disappointed her greatly to have a daughter who preferred to read in her room all day. i've finally learned how to decouple my inner voice from hers and it has brought me the freedom to just...be who i am.

throughout all this i started noticing that i'd wake up with a clear brain, once in a while. it'd come and go at first, but now, as long as i keep to the regimen of caring for myself like i am my first priority, a concept apparently completely foreign to me up until recently, the clarity is here most days. i'll have an occasionally foggy day, but it's usually easy to trace the cause to shit sleep or food.

the ability to not feel like i'm existing behind 2 inches of foggy glass day in and day out is everything to me. to understand people as they're talking to me. to not have to read a sentence 10 times over to glean its meaning. to enjoy learning again. this used to bring me so much pain and sadness, feeling like i'd lost the use of what i consider to be my greatest asset, feeling like i'm stupid when i know i'm not. i have a bachelor's degree in business with straight As to prove it!

having to go through it and knowing that certain people in my life were not taking me seriously and thinking that i was just being lazy and unambitious. it made me want to fucking scream. but i never lost hope that just like most problems, there was a solution. i was just not seeing it. i needed a different perspective.

i'm currently taking an online chemistry class just for fun. next up is going to be "astronomy: exploring time and space", then probably a cyber security intro class and some data science classes to refresh what i learned in university. i'm having fun learning again!!!! i am quite literally crying writing this, because while i always remained hopeful, there was a small part of me that was scared that this would just be my life from now on. i'm so fucking grateful.

#personal #this is what happens when you truly honor your own needs for the first time maybe ever #because unfortunately nobody is going to do it for you #it's not anyone's job first off but even if it was #nobody knows you like you do #caring for yourself like it's your number one job in life will unlock levels you didn't even know existed for yourself #as someone who was always taught to put others first it was the key i was missing #i used to be barraged with an inner voice of shame whenever i put myself first #telling myself i was selfish and shitty and a terrible human being #like why??? for wanting to stay home? for not wanting to go to lame christmas parties with lame people?#i'm starting to learn that the happiest people in life do whatever the fuck they want to do. without guilt or shame.#the line to narcissism is a thin one and as someone raised by a narcissist i am always cognizant of it #bc caring for myself often feels like narcissism to me #especially as the two narcissists i was abused by projected hardcore and accused me of being one constantly #somehow i thought ruthless self-sacrifice was the path to ensuring i didn't become one #so i put up with heinous shit that normal people with an ounce of self-respect would never dream of tolerating #i know that the fact that i am even capable of self-reflection and accountability means i'm not one #so i'm charging ahead into putting myself first without guilt. i know myself better than anyone on earth #and i know that hurting people is something i try very hard to avoid in general and always have #protip only narcissists will try to convince you that caring for yourself is narcissistic. bc it goes against their agenda.#how did i end up here lmao i said i've figured out the brain fog but adhd has no cure and baby! i'm unmedicated.

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