#something i routinely have to remind my ocd

[themarimosystem]

factives dating other factives is not rpf, youre not "shipping" real people just because your system has alters introjected from real life sources. its okay

[fairyminnie444]

Can you go deeper into days/weeks of the 3D not changing and how to persist throughout the whole day when you're doing things? If it's not a problem, how do you go from day to day persisting in your assumptions with your every day responsibilities?

How am I supposed to act during the day when I'm persisting that I am in my DR? I know that I'm supposed to have a mindset where I know that I have my desire in the 4D (the most important reality, which the 3D reflects), but am I supposed to visualise the desire and affirm having my desire all the time? That seems a little bit too hard, I feel like anyone who says that they do that is lying because it is also lowkey impossible, you have to be present in the 3D if you're in public and around people and think about that not your desire, fulfillment, affirmations...

I also feel like if I don't remind myself constantly I will forget that I have it and my mind will go back to the old story on its own. It is hard for me to believe and know I have my desire if I have to remind myself all of the time, it just isn't natural, but otherwise I will forget. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Also if I have my desire why am I studying right now, why am I in school right now, like I know it is just my old assumptions, but how in the world can I feel fulfilled when the reason I want my desire is to not be doing these things both in the 4D and in the 3D and here I am? I mean I guess I can kind of get through that by knowing it is just my old assumptions and knowing I'm in my DR in the 4D, but I'm not sure in general how am I supposed to persist and go through the day which very often makes me waver and I lack confidence and go back to the old story because I feel like I'm doing something wrong.

If I don't constanly affirm/remind myself I have it I will forget it and it will be like I'm doing nothing, just like before I've knowen about the law, and believing that I'm in my DR and not acknowledging my misery and that I'm actually here in the 3D shitty reality is also a bit of burden, so it does not leave me indifferent to persist, but I guess I can try it since I'm confident it is real... I just don't want to try it and do the wrong moves and waste my time in many ways which is why I return to the old story.

So my main concern is, is it enough for me to just know I have my desire and not to focus on what the desire is or what are the contents of it or would it be better if I'm visualising and acknowldeging what my DR looks like, what I will being doing in it at some point because tbh I have no idea what I would be doing if I was there right now? Also very important for me, what should be in my head? No worries, since I have my desire, calm and relaxed about everything, not waiting nor wanting, no concers about how I'm gonna get it (since I already have it), knowing it will manifest into the 3D...? It is hard for me to not hope for it to reflect into the 3D every moment, since that is my only motivation, so how can I deal with that? And how am I supposed to know and feel like I have my desire even tho I'm not experencing it in the 3D, nor in the 4D (if visualising is not important)? Like I know I have what I want, but I'm not seeing it in any way I just know I have what I want? If I have to visualise my OCD brain is asking when, how much, at what time, where... how do I keep track of it? Should I pick a time/periods of time when I should be doing it... 😭😭😭 Why should I visualise something that I already have? If I should how should the storyline of visualising go? Should I just pick the moment I decide I'm there how I would feel and where I would be when I shift and then go from there or are random moments okay? I hate routines, they aren't natural enough for me, but I'm not sure how to convince my subconscious I have my desire if I am too nonchalant about it, I love listening to subliminals and I know that is a great way... but idk what else to do...? How to saturate my subconscious when it comes to living in the wish fulfilled day to day with the 3D not changing, also is that the most important thing I have to do? How to keep believing I have it when nothing is happening and I'm not sure if I'm doing enough, what should my thought process be through the whole thing?

I am so sorry this is such a mess, it's so hard for me to express my problems. Also thank you if you take the time out of your day to read this and answer it.

I will answer everything according to my experience and how I deal with it, ok?

I tried to answer this 3 times and tumblr crashed, but i will not give up.

You don't have to affirm all day and desire all day, you just have to decide that you don't need to do it and that you already have your DR anyway.

"I also feel like if I don't remind myself constantly I will forget that I have it and my mind will go back to the old story on its own." Again, you just have to decide that this won't interfere and that it's okay when you remember you will still be manifesting. YOU created this problem/obstacle and you can decide that it doesn't exist, you can forget all you want and the moment you remember it is done.

"Also if I have my desire because I am I studying right now, because I am I in school right now, like I know it is just my old assumptions, but how in the world can I feel fulfilled when the reason I want my desire is to not be doing these things both in the 4D and in the 3D and here l am?" again, you are CHOOSING to see this as something negative. Why don't you decide that studying etc. is an inspired action that will make you reflect on your DR? Or why don't you choose that this doesn't change the fact that YOU ALREADY HAVE what you want?

Do you understand that you are the one who decides what your circumstances mean to you?

You decide if this is positive or negative, you create your reality, you choose how you see it and how you deal with it.

"I'm actually here in the 3D shitty reality is also a bit of a burden, so it doesn't leave me indifferent to persist, but I guess I can try it since I'm confident it is real... I just don't want to try it and make the wrong moves and waste my time in many ways which is why I return to the old story."

you don't have to ignore the 3d, you can react to it.

you can cry, complain, you can do whatever you want about it AS LONG AS YOU DECIDE THAT IT DOESN'T CHANGE THE FACT THAT YOU ALREADY HAVE WHAT YOU WANT. And that you know that this is an OLD reflex.

CHOOSE your 4d above all the circumstances of your old 3d.

"is it enough for me to just know I have my desire and not to focus on what the desire is or what are the contents of it or would it be better if I'm visualizing and acknowldeging what my DR looks like, what I will being doing in it at some point because tbh I have no idea what I would be doing if I was there right now?"

You said well, is that enough for you? because if you decide it is then it is.

"Also very important for me, what should be in my head?" Whatever feels most natural to you, imagining your 4D should be something light that BENEFITS you, because it's much better to be in your 4D, isn't it? So why are you making it a burden instead of just enjoying it whenever you want?

"It's hard for me to not hope for it to reflect into the 3D every moment, since that's my only motivation, so how can I deal with that?" Well So instead of "hope" use that as your motivation exactly to feel like you are already there, to feel that you already have it even more natural, don't put it as a problem because it's not.

"I hate routines, they aren't natural enough for me, but I'm not sure how to convince my subconscious I have my desire if I'm too nonchalant about it, I love listening to subliminals and I know that's a great way... but idk what else to do...?" so don't do it, I don't have a routine, I wake up and do whatever I want and I journal, I listen to subliminals because I LIKE it and I know it reminds me that I already have what I want.

You can't go around asking others how manifestation will be best for you because only you know what you feel comfortable doing, and again, YOU DECIDE how you want to do it, the methods are just to enhance the feeling of "I am" in you, if you are seeing it as an obligation or something boring then you are doing it wrong.

"Why should I visualize something that I already have?" You shouldn't if you don’t want to, I visualize because I want to and it makes me feel what I would feel if I had it so it will make my 3D reflect faster, but if you decide it's unnecessary just don't do it.

"How to keep believing I have it when nothing is happening and I'm not sure if I'm doing enough, what should my thought process be through the whole thing?" You say things and contradict yourself, if you say you already know that the things that "aren't happening" are your old 3D why do you insist on giving importance to it?

Your thoughts should be whatever you want them to be, whatever makes you feel that your 4D is natural to you, only you know the answer to that.

That’s it girl, it’s simple and easy.

When I say decide it, it’s because LOA is about deciding everything, I mean EVERYTHING about your reality. the importance of things, how you want to do it, how you react etc, everything.

[howlsofbloodhounds]

imagine Killer being both really touch starved and extremely touch averse especially if he has bad germaphobia.

Everytime Killer feels the brush of someone bones against his own it burns it reminds him of the story of Icarus flying too close to the sky his was wings burn and he drowns in the cold water below. Killer isn't sure if he would rather be burned or drown in the empty cold feeling. Going back and forth to wanting any form of touch and then immediately hating it and wanting them to stop. Its more then just that. He hasn't been touched by someone in so long that every touch feels like too much, it makes him feel vulnerable and weak, along with feelings of extreme disgust and even fear.

Also little extra blurb about Killer with germaphobia as someone who's a major germaphobe it can become more or less intense depending on emotions especially things like anxiety the more anxious I am the more germaphobic I get. Often having to repeat reassuring mantra to lower the anxiety of germs. I imagine it could go anywhere from freely touching things unless especially gross from being Unwilling to touch anything without a feeling if dudgust or fear abd feeling the need to wash anything that touched what was perched as germs which for me can be things like a house key, tables, door knobs, etc I really want some nice gloves to protect my hands cause I keep overwashing them.

Also Killer gives strong ocd vibes or im just projecting and germaphobia is common in those with ocd. I feel like his training and life with Chara would have him develop ocd. He wants things done a certain way or feels like something bad will happen or its just the obviously correct way to be done. Can also see him doing little rituals that he feels increases his luck or things that have to be done to not be cursed with bad luck. Turning the door knob to his room at least three times to ensure its locked, never walking on the opposite side of a pole as someone else, avoiding the first or last step, etc. (These are all things I do lol)

~Musical Anon

Stares at my Stage 4 Killer with OCPD adaptations headcanon. (Definitely not the same as OCD, but the need for order, control, things have to happen like this, you have to follow the rules and the routines, I have to be perfect to be safe/loved/accepted.

When in St4 the rules are the agreements of the Deal and the outlines of the Directive, but the traits would likely show up in other Stages such as 2.

The intense fear of something bad happening if it isn’t done or a rule isn’t followed is moreso from trauma and conditioning and likely indoctrination, although I can definitely see him having some type of compulsions and rituals alleviate fear/anxiety, ones tied to survival and the fear of failure perhaps—such as, in the context of my little directive headcanons—drawing little upside down hearts somewhere whenever subconsciously anxious or fearful (although 2 would deny feeling absolutely anything) or as a mindless automatic habit or whenever prevented from killing a target as if to appease some unseen watching force.

And in lower Stages, doing this absentmindedly when stressed or scared—such as whenever awaiting a punishment for failing a mission in some way (especially if he either accidentally slipped up and killed someone or was trigged into Stage 4, or simply to handle the dissonance of not killing a target) mindlessly drawing little upside down hearts on his arms with his fingers or in the air and not really understanding why. )

I can also see him absently checking and rechecking everything (such as rather obsessively checking up on the gang and that they’re still alive and attended to, not because he really cares too much about the outcome, but because the actions give him a sense of control and makes sure he’s adhering to his duties as Nightmares right hand), and probably forming rituals around the steps of caring for his weapons and tools, and arranging them in certain ways because it feels more familiar that way and he does it almost automatically now.

[unhappytimeleaper]

This is part of my just random blurbs I post on the servers I’m on but no one understands so I’m forcing it on all of you.

Truly unedited thoughts. Gender neutral reader; no age is mentioned but the idea is reader is around Kei age.

This blog is 17+ please have your age in your bio or tagged; any ageless blog and below the age asked for will be blocked at the end of the week.

No warnings outside of yes, it is vague but it is still yandere and possible spoilers for part 8 of Jojo

Kira himself was weird. At least hard to deal with, his narcissistic nature and OCD being one side that you could manage, within small doses, but the other being his naturally cold demeanor made it much harder. Somehow, you did manage to keep some form of a friendship. It was always hard when you would bring things up, and he would brush it off or tell you to just cut them out. You had him; why waste your time with others. Correction, you occasionally had him; you knew he was fond of his own personal time and interests, plus sometimes you just need a break from his personality. Sure, it made him a little more grumpy when you called this out, but amends usually were made quickly, and you'd fall back into your routine with each other. In his own weird way, Kira knew she was more fond of you than pretty much any other person outside of his family, even if it was hard to tell. Something you probably only ever learn from his sister after his disappearance.

Josefumi always felt abandoned and left out less you were around. You checked in on him in conversations, invited him to plans, walked alongside him, and overall did your best to consistently remind him that he had value. Was it wrong for him to be sort of selfish when it came to you and how much you seem to want to be with him? It meant something special to have you around, even if only as a friend, and it wasn't like with Sakunami. Josefumi was, after all, who you always turned to as a close friend when Kira and you were doing your own thing. Although his brutally violence fighting was something you shouldn't forget, or could really as the aftermath of some of them had been burned into your mind, he overall was a kind and caring young man you admired a lot and took pride in being friends with. It wasn't hard to see his crush, a very apparent one, but nothing could ever come from it as soon as he up and vanished.

Enter Josuke, or Gappy, nicknamed by his two front teeth. An odd fellow who appeared from nowhere with what seemed no memories. Not to say he wasn't smart, but he lacked a sense of self and the world around him. And despite this. Not knowing who he is, who anyone is really, he notes there is something strange about you. Not in a bad way, but like your fates are connected. That he cares for you even if he doesn't remember who you are. And despite everything, those feelings from both Kira and Josefumi only seem to be brought more and more to the front as you spend time. There is no memory of who you were to them; they are all separate people after all, but the care he has seems deeply burned into his soul. Something he doesn't want to lose, no matter what it takes.

You knew this wasn't them even as you learn and piece together this was the two friends you had lost. Gappy was someone new, and you couldn't push the life you had in the past with "them" onto him. It crushes you to be around him at times, you admit to yourself. The loss of both Kira and Josefumi was devastating; after all, even with the troubling nature they both could have, you did care for them as friends. And Gappy himself wasn't bad; he had many good traits and was fun to be around, but it's not like he could fill the hole in your heart. But even with the distance you tried to put in, acknowledging to him it's nothing he did or didn't do, you just needed space. Time. One day, maybe things would heal more, and you'd be able to truly befriend the new boy.

Distance isn't possible, though; the feelings of Kira and Josefumi, even without memories of who they are, are ingrained in a way he can't understand or explain. Like an invisible string connecting those they held dear to each of his fingers, he can't see what makes them special; he just feels it to his core. And he can't let it slip away, let you slip away when you hold the secrets to his past and to the weird drumming of his heart. Please, just stay a little longer? His drive is relentless, and while he can play cute to keep you around if what it takes, he does have other means he'd be willing to try if you keep pushing him away.

[kaleeatinghoe]

GREGSTOPHE HEADCANONS!!!

(+individual)⚠️ocd and very small blood mention (just to be safe)

recently ive been obsessed with them i need to make headcanons it’s a requirement

first of all, gregory was never secretive about his feelings,,. he would call chrisophe “darling” and “my dear” but christophe somehow didn’t realize that this was romantic (??) and thought that was just how he spoke.

everybody assumed they already had something going on, until gregory started loudly monologuing about his love and how he had “longed to profess” his love.,, christophe was absolutely taken aback, but nobody else gave a fuck

gregory is definitely a theater kid in a way. he joined the drama club at school, and was absolutely disgusted at how bad everyone’s acting and how they didn’t put their entire heart and soul into a school play.

he also convinced christophe to join tech crew. (maybe i make a comic??:0)

sometimes christophe disappears for days at a time and hes just like somewhere around like in a random field or walking down the road,, and he doesn’t sleep much. hes just out all night doing random stuff

gregory speaks french and he’ll monologue in french occasionally and very theatrically and christophe is just there sick of this shit

they both just crawl into each others houses through the window(especially christophe) while the other is sleeping. gregory keeps his window open and christophe has crawled in and woken him up at some ungodly hour because there was something unescessary that he insisted had to be done and couldn’t wait until daylight.

he also somehow just knows extremely specific details about people and businesses that he pulls out of nowhere whenever they are plotting against them

oh and he definitely knows all about tweek bros,, and has planned to expose them

gregory once kissed ze mole in a very theatrical way. he would do some kind of speech and make it look straight out of a shakespeare play,, and time it right before he leaves abruptly. and christophe is like shocked and also cringing because gregory is such a fucking theater kid and while what he did was rlly sweet.., it’s like dude

gregory is a bit germaphobic and takes hygiene extremely seriously. he washes his hands before and after he eats, and showers atleast once a day. he may have ocd which causes him to wash his hands like 57 times a day giving him super dry hands (js like me with my ocd fr) so he constantly puts lotion on his hands

christophe is kinda the opposite. he has normal hygiene like he doesn’t fail to wash his hands after taking a shit but he will also forget to shower for weeks. he just kinda forgets so he has gregory remind him every so often “have you showered this week?” also he is really dirty all the time and tracks dirt and mud a lot. gregory makes him take his shoes off before coming inside

overall christophe doesn’t take very good care of himself., mostly because he forgets, partly because he doesn’t gaf. gregory on the other hand, gets severe anxiety if he forgets one step of his routine, or forgets to eat, or loses track of time and goes to sleep too late,, he is very concerned for his wellbeing and physical / mental health,, a bit to much to the point where it affects his mental health a little bit

ALSO CHRISTOPHE HAS FUCKING BUSTED UP HANDS from like digging and stuff,, his nails are just caked with dirt even after he washes his hands. bro cannot wear white clothes without them getting stained

gregory also has busted up hands sometimes because when his ocd gets really bad and he washes his hands like crazy,, and he forgets to put lotion on his hands crack and bleed. (js like me omg)

okay,, i wanna do more but i can do a sequel. if u want me to do any particular character(s) or ship(s) my ask box is always open!! ;D

[woodenfawn]

Thoughts on Rem and Ram <3

One of the first ever hints we get to how different they actually are is their little twin-talk routine. Along with the discussion of their "competency" as maids, and the Red Oni/Blue Oni story. And I think it's a really cool little detail!

Rem always speaks first. "Nee-sama, Nee-sama," referencing Ram as Nee-sama is a title that implies respect above everything else. Of course you can tell they love each other so very much but Rem is emphasizing how her older sister is the "superior one", which, I'm pretty sure, is why Subaru says that Ram gets special treatment. It is also interesting, though, that Rem is the one who speaks first in the routine- despite being the more insecure of the two. Ram is definitely more confident in her ability to mess with people and make rude comments, so why does Rem go first?

When Ram speaks, she simply calls Rem by her name, instead of Onee-chan or Nee-chan, and I'm curious about it. You'd think they'd have matching titles for each other, the Nee-sama and Nee-chan or something, but no, they very specifically do not. Even in a conversation pattern where they're playing into the "identical twin dynamic". I wonder if Ram is using this to remind Rem that she's her own person? Like, of course Ram loves her sister- and it's not a sign of disrespect. But she seems to have chosen to address her by name rather than by their relationship, and given how much she wants Rem to be remembered and loved by others, it might be a way to make sure they remember her as an individual. Interesting, given what happens to Rem.

I do think that this was Ram's indirect way of pushing Rem to be more confident in herself. She's always been able to tell how insecure she was, but I don't think she ever knew what to do about it, because the source of their problems came from the circumstances of their birth. Given how may years it'd been from the burning of their clan to arc 2, it surprised me a little to hear that Rem had held onto her inferiority complex and guilt for that long, when Ram cared about her wellbeing so much. I think if they'd had enough long talks about it, it could have healed (at least mostly) over time. I think it leaves the idea that either Ram was unsure of how to address it, or Rem refused to talk about it at all. Probably both.

I do also have my "Rem has OCD/OCD traits" theory because of how she. You know. Decides she needs to spend the entire rest of her life filling Ram's shoes and protecting her to atone for *one thought* she had in an extremely traumatic event. There's also the whole business with her being attached to the idea of living/dying for people she cares about as her ultimate proof of love, and her excessive willingness to hurt or kill *potential* threats to Keep Her People Safe. That's not to equate any disorder to a potential to hurt others! The world of Re:Zero frowns on murder in many cases, but it is far more willing to accept it as a response to threats- it can easily be forgiven with a good justification. The reason I bring this up is because Rem is very willing to act on her own to use Extreme Measures because she is *so certain she's right, and she HAS to do this to ease burdens on her loved ones.

!!!ARC 7/8 SPOILERS!!!

For these reasons, I find it very interesting that Rem was brought back into the story without her memory. We get to see a more unfiltered version of her. She still feels guilt extremely easily and holds onto certain ideas with a little too much strength, but she doesn't put up acts for people and she hasn't Attached Herself to someone. With no memory of Ram or Subaru, she has learned to think for herself and be more independent. It's mentioned that her personality is more similar to Ram's than it seemed to be before. I know many people are annoyed with how she's lost her memories because they want Their Rem back, but I honestly think this is a really interesting and worthwhile study of her character. I almost wonder if she actually would be happier if she never got her name and memories back, if she could live without her traumas, even if she is fully aware that she's missing a large part of herself.

Personally, I want to see her grow as she is, and develop her relationships and mindset and way of life from here, and *then* face her memories again. Her learning to love herself and have self worth and then facing the her that couldn't... that would be really cool, I think. I want to see her and Ram develop a new sisterly relationship and I want to see how it compares and contrasts with the one they had before. I love their dynamic, and I love how Tappei Nagatsuki is treating the reunion of the sisters. I am very interested, too, to see how things play out with Spica, given this is the closest kind of Capital P Protectiveness we've seen from her, in a similar way to how she cared for Ram and Subaru pre-gluttony.

She's definitely got a strong theme of Memory and Sleep as concepts, and I've been wondering if her name was intentional. Along with Ram being the hornless oni. Ram.

The fact that Ram may have spent this long trying to make sure everybody remembered Rem's name, just for her to be forgotten by *everybody*... man .

[deusexmachinawitch]

My results doing @starnightlover’s Miracle Maker 7 Days Challenge!!!

I was manifesting SP and at the moment, nothing happened. That doesn’t mean everything is bad, don’t come for me or Star because I know the community can be a bit sensitive when it comes to trying to prove that the law is wrong 😂.

While there was times I couldn’t count because I was working or attending emergencies, I did affirm in my head and sometimes affirm randomly outside the 45 minutes since this was an easier affirmation compared to the previous one I chose the previous time.

Still, the affirmation I used this time really resonates with me to the point that whenever I have a thought that doesn’t align with the results I want, I shut it up with that affirmation. I feel really calm as well and I really think that things will go amazing. It also helped me not give a f to the 3D.

While I did not get him immediately, there was something beautiful that happened yesterday just when I was going to sleep and considered the challenge done.

I was calmly getting ready for bed, I have OCD so my rituals before bed are skincare, making sure my pets have everything they need, cuddle them and then tidy my desk so everything is good for when I wake up. I was tidying my desk and suddenly I see one of my pets managing to remove my backpack from a chair I have and opening it. It was a lot of noise and I see them removing something from my backpack and I run to them. It was SP’s hoodie that I keep with me always as a way to remind me he’s already with me. Because of the summer, I just really didn’t take it out or done something to it for months.

Right when I was scolding my pet and I grabbed the hoodie to shake the fur out of it, I heard something outside my window and a surge of light filled my room. It was fireworks, just right at the moment I grabbed the hoodie. One of the things that SP and I love is to watch fireworks together, so I wore the hoodie over my shoulders like he was passing his arm around me and watched the fireworks. I didn’t feel sad, I didn’t cry, I didn’t wonder anything. I just watched and said “Aren’t they beautiful, SP?”. I was really calm and just continued my night routine as soon they were over.

It was really like having my anime moment. This is really something that I like since I got into LoAss, that things that I see in stories happen to me and I really feel like the main character.

Since I liked this challenge, I’ll probably do it again this week but more generalized like affirming that everything bends to my will or something like that.

Don’t feel discouraged guys, to me this was worth it because I feel calm and that fireworks moment was worth everything.

[rosewinterborn]

"One Of Them Tag Games: A Week Late Edition"

Tagged by @synobun !

Last Song: Tomboy Tuesday! By Ham Sandwich (very fun gender vibes, very difficult to follow anime clips)

Favorite Color: pretty much any dark, rich jewel tone, but i tend towards midnight blue and, currently, forest green

Last Movie/Show: technically Sense8 because j and i are watching it with a friend, but last night i got caught up on The Apothecary Diaries and as someone who doesn't like a lot of anime I'm having a great time

Next on My Watchlist: i don't really do watchlists (or tbrs), i generally just follow the dopamine. In all honestly, probably sense8 again next Thursday

Last Game: i play a very dumb color sorting game on my phone to fall asleep. Other than that, i think i played a few hours of bg3 last week.

Last Book (completed): Crescent City House of Earth and Blood by Sarah J Maas (in preparation for House of Flame and Shadow, which came out on Tuesday. I did not make it and my book bestie has been yelling at me lol)

Sweet/Savory/Spicy: i don't really snack anymore? So this question is hard. I used to go for salt above all else but since salt disagrees with me more often than not, i just kind of. Don't. Probably sweet, at the moment. If i had to guess.

Relationship Status: Double Married, as @wasabipesto reminded me last week lol

Last Thing I Searched For Online: the artist for tomboy tuesday. Before that, the symptoms of MCAS (which I've since deemed unlikely that i have)

Current Obsession: still chipping away at the health anxiety, unfortunately. Hoping to replace it with something more pleasant soon though.

Biggest Flaw: also difficult. Every answer ive come up with is just A Disorder That I Have and it feels wrong to just say like. My anxiety (which is currently debilitating and getting expensive) or my inability to maintain any kind of self care or regulation routines (thats just adhd baybee). Plus i don't know that i have anything about myself that i think is outright Bad. Like. The anxiety makes me very good at noticing things, and there are a lot of aspects of my adhd that i actively enjoy. Something something your greatest flaw is also your greatest strength given the right context.

...Yknow what, I'm going with the anxiety actually, because it's turning me into a caged animal in my own body and i feel like I'm watching myself develop ocd in real time. Hate that for me.

Fic I'm Currently Reading: haven't actually read any fic in a while tbh. I think i was on a brief destiel kick a couple weeks ago but it didn't last very long and it was mostly rereads. (For currently reading in general I'm *supposed* to be working on House of Sky and Breath. Progress has been slow.)

Tagging: @wasabipesto , @laboradorescence , @writersblockandapotoftea , @shorter-than-her-tbr-pile , and anyone who feels like playing!

[aureamediocritasi]

chronic aches mind

chronic: does my muse have any chronic health conditions / illnesses? how do these affect them from day-to-day? 

a lot of nerve damage! involuntarily twitching and chronic pain, mostly in the worst of his scars around his torso. he never comments on it or takes anything for it, though. both because pain killers arent something easy to come by, and also because he feels he sort of deserves to live with it anyway. its his injury, he should be reminded it exists, is what he'd probably say about it.

aches: does my muse have any frequent aches? ie, muscle aches, joint aches? how do these affect them from day-to-day? 

rotator cuffs on both arms definitely, and especially with his missing one. sometimes he can still feel it, and then the pain of whenever it was cut off comes back like its new. whenever this happens, he takes off his prosthetic and rubs some numbing cream into the healed over scar tissue. seems to work for the worst of it, in his experience.

mind: does my muse have any mental conditions that affect their lives? what are they? how do they handle them? what coping methods do they use most?

depression, anxiety, paranoia, panic, mild ocd, c-ptsd but that kind of includes most of the first four. naur he does not have any coping mechanisms besides being acutely aware that all of it is a thing and just dealing with it as it comes. if he has a panic attack he sits still for as long as he needs to until it goes away. as for the depression, anxiety, paranoia etc. he just drinks. very healthy. he has his own little rituals for the ocd: his morning routine, and he deals with other excessive intrusive thoughts by playing them out in his head rather than doing them if theyre inconvenient. if theyre not then he just does it. he probably also has some undiagnosed/unidentified ADHD / ADD. i def know knives is autistic lets be real as senior wizard the great autismo myself.

[emeraldraccoon478]

If it helps anyone contextualalize things any more I’ve got autism, sticky thoughts and need for routine, seems similar in a surface level. My whole week can be ruined by an unexpected change in plans, and a sticky thought might bother me for hours. But different

my sticky thoughts are more like sticky notes I can’t take down. A little reminder in my brain “you ate your skittles in the wrong order” or “you need to go move that pencil it’s not in the right place” it’s annoying and frustrating right? But it’s still just a little sticky note in my brain, I can generally ignore that sticky note of a thought and do other things, it’s only when I have a moment of downtime I really notice it. And they go away on their own with time

And with the routine it brings me comfort and consistency. (Things like eating the skittles in the same order every time is included in that) I get upset when routines change because it’s quickly ripping away that sorce of comfort if that makes sense? and on top of that when it comes to plans I may have been rehearsing and preparing for this Chan in normal schedule for hours, days, weeks, months sometime. I go over in my head again and again so the change is ok, so if something is cancelled I’m upset because I was prepared and now I’m not and I don’t know what to do

anyway I’m explaining this badly. But ocd and other things with sticky thoughts are very different on the inside

Idk why but as a kid I used to get hysterically upset everytime I would imagine a gif of a rotating cow because I could never stop the cow from rotating no matter how hard I tried and I would be crying and no one knew why

[pretty-volatile]

Tuesday, October 1, 2024 6:14 am

I haven't posted in a looongg time lol. There's quite a bit to catch up on. Um firstly yay, October! My favorite holiday is coming up! And my 9 year anniversary with my amazing partner ❤️🍾🥂🌹🎉 but also, lol one of trauma times is coming up and actual Halloween does have a trauma past too, but I've moved on enough/dissociated that enough that I don't have current play by play memory of it, just the facts, of both traumas. But it's something to keep in mind to make sure no one gets triggered out in a negative way.

Okay so here's to the juicy part of this .......what if ......it was OSDDID the whole time????? Just hear me out okay......

Autism: okay yes, we have it, and it may have even contributed to the osddid tbh. But like once I started to pay attention to our ism, I think we were addressing the negative symptoms that some of the alters were experiencing/made it less likely to dissociate/switch/shutdown etc. therefore those alters feel heard/accommodated that we don't feel those as much/they don't influence as much. Obvsly autism applies to the whole collective (we call it that), but some alters can hold more or less traits/symptoms. Also sometimes the stimming feels like it's our little (v autistic) and teen that def has ADHD.

ADHD: do we all experience ADHD like our teen does? Hmm I'm not sure, I feel though the possibility that a lot of my executive dysfunction is more related to there being no communication betweens us and being able to remember what it is that we need to do or needing certain alters to do certain tasks/chores/responsibilities/areas of focus. But like it's cool that we see the usefulness of hyperfixations/positive obsessions that can bring someone out that needs to get shit done.

BPD: not all of us deal with BPD traits. It seems to be concentrated in relationship alters/sexual alters/trauma holders. There's def one maybe two that we can think of right away that this applies to. But the self harm etc def applies to persecutor/abuser introject. Fp obsessions can also be mostly attributed to a certain body queen after that also seems to be a sexual alter/relationship trauma holders that need someone new to latch on to

Bipolar w/ psychosis: alright this one's gonna be hard but head me out okay....our strong moods were attached to a certain way of thinking, behaving, our perspective on things, likes/interests, and it would always change with stress and with trauma and when we didn't keep up a routine, these things can also be explained by us alters.....and my psychosis, while I def have hallucinated and I have experienced delusional thinking, but also ....the hallucinations and the delusions had more to do with not feeling like the world around is real (derealization) or feeling like I'm not real or like this isn't my body (depersonalization), and some of my delusions could also be explained by other alters and being confused while fronting because they were also experiencing dpdr......

OCD: def struggle with obsessions and compulsions, However, starting to wonder is ocd was more just a defense barrier to discovering that we're a collective...like some intrusive thoughts could be an alter in the headspace, And some could be intrusive thoughts of that after but a diff alter is fronting so they can ignore it bc it's not theirs but if co-con or co fronting then it can affect both. But a lot of intrusive thoughts about things that we've fucked up on and it's basically probably an alter reminding the other alters to not fuck up again bc it's important to keep things cohesive and consistent and if we must double check triple check everything that's done so it's done right so we don't have to explain why we don't fucking remember what happened or why we did something because there amnesia between us sometimes and it takes a whole for information to boot up. But it's also like our OCD kept guiding us in other directions(diagnoses) that did address some alters' concerns without acknowledging that it belonged to a particular alter's concern or that we're a collective etc

Eating disorder: a lot of this is tied to the physical neglect we went through and we're fairly certain that a certain alters, maybe the little, is the one that does the eating, and the rest of us dissociate the need in order to survive bc we have tummy issues sometimes and don't always have enough food or time to eat or other alters don't like how stomach feels after eating and have to move around a lot. Usually have to smoke weed in order to bring out the hunger signals and the alter so we can eat. We're so proud of ourselves in our expansion of foods we eat that we wouldn't have eaten before meeting our partner. But also a lot of the discomfort with the body came from trauma, but also depersonalization/dysmorphia/dysphoria(gender too) that came with it....hard when the body doesn't match with how an alter looks in headspace. Hard not to take it out in the body when the body has been so often critiqued, objectified, perceived by others when we do not wish it.

cPTSD: well this is a no brainer, if you have ongoing trauma/abuse, that's gonna cause cPTSD and if you have it at a young enough age, you're gonna get osddid. So I mean, we know this to be a fact

Dyslexia/dysgraphia: feeling dissociative when trying to focus and be present but also math and writing is so often associated with school and school of course required certain alters/split to trauma holders so can't remember all that right now. Also sometimes gonna have messy handwriting when there's a lot going on in headspace that can't always translate to the external wold

Dissociative amnesia: ADHD time blindness? Or in dissociative trance? Or unable to remember what another alter did/thought/felt/reasonings for so or not feeling emotionally connected with it between diff alters? Sometimes can remember things, sometimes can't, sometimes can remember as simply a fact but not necessarily something that they did their self

Denial: sometimes it's so easy to accept all this and it just makes sense and we've been like this the whole time but we're always scared of being wrong --> punishment so it's hard to accept sometimes. Also it's like in headspace and when high, it's like well duh we're multiple, but when some of us try to talk out loud high or not, it's really hard to accept because another alter makes us think we're crazy and we feel guilt and shame and embarrassed and it can feel like hot steel blade in our throat and like we physically can't talk about or like the dyslexia thing happens were shit gets jarbled up

Dreams and affect on sleep?: diff alters have diff themes that they dream and some of us don't dream/don't remember ours/experience someone else's dream. Recognition of what scenario one is in has lead to lucid experiences almost always. Though interesting to note, not sure if alters seen each other in dreams, sometimes is like one is watching the others as a movie or like they're in a VR (lucid dreaming). Types of dreams and how we wake up/who it is that's front when we wake up can kinda change the trajectory of the day. There are some days when an alter goes to sleep, a diff alter dreams, the other alters has no recollection when startled awake and it feels like that alter didn't sleep but also may not necessarily feel tired. Or certain dreams feel so real or so exhausting that we're so tired and keep falling back asleep cause it feels like we didn't rest

We've been contemplating whether we're multiple/plural for a while now, since at least 2019, and it came back to our awareness back in fall of 2023. For a while it was like, is this just a delusion? Is it the ocd? And it hasn't gone away and things are starting to click and we're kinda starting to get to know each other more/communicate in whatever way we can with the minimal awareness we have

It feels scary but incredible at the same time to acknowledge this, and we've been paying attention to the dissociation more kinda. It's hard to write and this is long enough.

Talk to you later,

Alex

[solitalien]

Planner

Just recently got myself planner because I've learned that I do better achieving things if it's something I plan physically. Not just setting a reminder on my phone, as that shit just never works.

Anyway, I found some comfort and reassurance by looking up tips for beginners by Passion Planner and The Organized Money, both lovely youtubers.

From what I essentially got from both of them is to take it at your own pace by not pressuring yourself to overdo it. As well as keeping it with a nice consistent routine, and a place where it can constantly remind you of the plan.

(Ahh.. just started feeling anxious... and now I'm bored.)

Well, just wanted to say that I don't plan to start it till June, because my OCD feels that need to start at the beginning of the month. otherwise, I'll mess up the whole thing if I don't.

I also wanted to share some questions I asked myself by Passion Planner's video that helped me calm my nerves about the whole things as I do plan to commit to it for my own self-improvement.

I will do my best.

My Planner Fears:

What are my doubts and fears?

That I will lose touch of my good habits, that this planner won't help me make new ones.

What is holding me back from my goals?

Not getting up and doing the things I need to do, and self-sabotage.

What about my environment is making me feel uncomfortable with my planner?

The possible idea that it will be swallowed up the next time my room becomes a mess.

Planner Opportunities:

What excites me about my planner?

Being able to have too physically write my plans down to get them done.

What does future me look like, feel and do?

I look put together and healthy. I feel calm and cool. I am doing my best.

What are my intentions for the new year?

To be the best me, for me, my family, friends, and for anyone else who needs it.

[introvertfox]

Some things about me AKA why I think I might be autistic:

Hate clothes with buttons

Had a gibberish language with my siblings that only I spoke when I was younger than 9. I don't remember how old I was then

Go non verbal when overwhelmed

Misread the room and end up saying rude/embarrassing things without understanding it was rude/embarrassing; ie, when I said my parents sleep separately when relatives were visiting and being shown around the house. I did not know, in fact, that was a no no. I was 12-15 then. Had to be pulled aside for that.

Genuinely asked "Is that rude?" after telling Theater(? It was a weird extra English class mom signed us up for) teacher to "Shut up". I don't remember what it was in response to, but it was probably some innocuous comment. Further reflection leads me to believe that a more appropriate response would have been "Please don't say that." Or just saying nothing. Also learnt since then that "Shut up" was rude

I forgot what was said moments before, but it led to grandpa saying "Walk on all fours", and I replied "Like a dog" giggling because dogs are cute and I've heard this saying on the TV. Get told off for being sarcastic. Never felt comfortable talking to grandparents about anything ever again

A more recent example was when a housemate's phone rang with a guy's name and I said as much while passing her phone back to her from the living room. She was with her mom. Another housemate had to escort me out. We're in uni (by now I usually run everything I want to say in my head several time before saying it aloud, but if I get too comfortable it slips my mind)

Inappropriate eye contact; always either too much or too little (usually this). Only started noticing this last year

Empathy issues. "Okay, sorry that happened to you" is something I had to teach/remind myself to say instead of just "Okay". Especially not to say "Why are you telling me?" or "What does that have to do with me?"

My only frames of reference for how to act normally are media/ pieces of fiction I've consumed; I somehow passed through the schooling system until college without getting social cues and norms IRL. Mind you, I went through two different schooling systems; government school in the morning, religious school in the afternoon, alongside tuition for language and math; neither of which had me learn how to interact with people, regardless of how many "group projects" done

Additional things about me that psyche me out of self-diagnosis:

Only ate things separately/methodically (vege, then rice, then meat) because it'd drag out the time I spent in recess, than having to sit alone in class; and I could overhear classmates talking about stuff for longer

I don't like soups or any liquid foods; but will still eat them else it'd be wasteful

Holes hate may just be my tryptophobia. Also despise drains in the sink and shower that's round. Covered or slitted is fine

Non verbal due to social anxiety. And 90%+ introversion. last I did that MBTI test. People battery runs out fast; the exception is if the task at hand is interesting and I'd power through the low battery like I'm in a weird drunk/high state. (I've never imbibed so I'm assuming)

Am doing better in group settings nowadays. Have been emailing and booking rooms for group courseworks okay

I don't stim or fidget or have repetitive behaviour

According to aunts, I was pretty talkative as a kid, so no speech impediments

I don't have a set routine, nor do I care for one

My compulsion to arrange things in a specific way only applies to things I have irrationality decided to be picky about; ie, how I arrange my suitcase and closet. I'm not OCD about every little thing in my spaces. I don't throw tantrums if something I arranged gets messed with

I don't explode in tantrums at all. Or breakdown. I just cry in bed sometimes but that's more to do with being overwhelmed by life in general every few months or so

I'm not entirely touch averse. If anything I'm touch starved, but I'll never initiate hugs unless I think it's an obligation

Probably unrelated, but I have trouble projecting my voice, like I can't not talk with my head voice, so saying stuff out loud is difficult for me. Unless you're my parents, because every time I try to make myself heard, I'm shouting n being disrespectful

[s-o-a-p-ing]

EZEKIEL S.O.A.P. ~ CHAPTER 45

Friday, 7/14/23

SCRIPTURE:

"In the seventh month, on the fifteenth day of the month, at the feast, he shall provide like this, seven days for the sin offering, the burnt offering, the grain offering and the oil.” ~ Ezekiel 45:25

OBSERVATION:

This is the last verse of a series of verses going into great detail about preparing sacrifices - repeated sacrifices - to atone for sin...

Something my "ADHD" and "OCD" nature would obsess over and make the whole point of my relationship with Him...

Thanks be to Him for Jesus Who atoned for my sin with His singular sacrifice...

What do I do to acknowledge that, and live as forgiven?

APPLICATION:

Give thanks for the "simplicity" (is that the right word?), of having been forgiven once and for all...

Live as one forgiven...

PRAYER:

Heavenly Father - I confess to getting caught up in the ritual and routine instead of glorying in the simplicity of confession and repentance... Thank You for Jesus's singular sacrifice on my behalf... and may Your Holy Spirit remind me that You want the relationship with me, not the actions for the actions sake... In Jesus's Name, and for Your glory and honor and praise...

Have the best weekend yet... not necessarily ever... just yet...

Yours - joyfully and prayerfully and thankfully - in Him...

𝖌

<))><

[mla0]

So OCD, at least in like really simple terms, is all about pervasive thoughts and anxiety that you try to suppress through ritual behaviors, mental or physical. Like, you might think something like "If I don't check that I turned that thing off for the third time, what if it's going to start on fire and kill my cat? I have to check again" and if you don't, that anxiety is going to stick like glue and it's very hard to ground yourself and calm down any other way. There's a million ways OCD can present itself, based on the things you're anxious about and just the fact that OCD is very varied. It's a horribly misunderstood disorder in pop culture. No it is not "I need all my pencils to be in order" disorder just like ADHD isn't "holy shit a squirrel" disorder

There can always be this feeling of like, needing to be in control of your thoughts and feelings at all times. Avoiding certain situations, certain topics, and even certain people, because it could trigger symptoms or make them worse. So you become insanely avoidant. I think that's where I can see Shaun Andersen in it, because while "avoiding things that trigger x" can also definitely be a trauma thing, and I think it is partly that, I think the lengths that Shaun goes in the story reminds me a lot of OCD. Hell, even the denial itself, the insistence that it isn't real, it can't hurt me, it's not there, could be mental reassurance (which can be a compulsion!) against obsessions (the persistent intrusive thoughts.) If you see slenderman as a metaphor for mental illness this also makes sense, it'd explain why it's still there for Shaun but hasn't just gone and killed her yet, because she is, technically, kinda, keeping it under control, just barely

And then Michael comes back, and with all of the memories coming with it, Shaun's symptoms immediately come back and hit her like a brick. It's not Michael's fault, obviously. But without even realizing she has a mental illness to begin with, it makes her lose that very, VERY delicate balance she'd been dancing in, pretending she's "fine" and "normal" because she's been able to stick to her very rigid and safe routine, refusing to even think about anything that could change that because it's the only thing keeping her afloat. What she doesn't realize, of course, is that she never could've done that forever and the way she'd been handling it was doomed to fail eventually with no support network. But she, wrongly, assumes it must be on Michael, because she doesn't know what's really happening, simply that she was fine and now she's not (even though she never was fine, she'd still convince herself she was....)

OCD can also make you obsessed with fitting in and appearing normal, of keeping yourself under control. I mean, so much of it is about self control in general. You might feel like you need to change literally everything about yourself in order to fit in. For me personally too, I cannot stand uncertainty. When things aren't clear or there isn't a clear goal in mind, I get insanely anxious and worried. I remember at multiple points in the series Shaun just starts badgering Patrick for questions like "but how can we stop it?" "how can we do this?" "well what am i supposed to do??" clearly anxious to the point of being irritable because everything's so up in the air.

I could keep going with this but it's already so long. I am infecting Shaun with my curse. Sorry Shaun.

I (accidentally) made a post on my other blog about Shaun Andersen having OCD as mostly a joke but you know what? I can project whatever I want onto my faves. Shaun Andersen Has OCD and the more I think about it the more it makes sense. I'm probably going to go more into it in a reblog, just give me a moment to formulate my thoughts

[davyjoneslockr]

wait the mista thing reminded me do you remember that one quote murolo makes abt his stand being divided... what do u think that means if we apply it to mista bc murolo knows abt like bad company and the. other stand I forgot but he knew Things and ur the mista person.... so enlighten me if u can with ur very cool thoughts

YES I think about this so much. Like literally the first thing that came to mind when Murolo mentioned that was "wait. Mista though."

(For reference/anyone who hasn't read PHF, this is the quote in question:)

Obviously, by the time of Purple Haze Feedback, Mista has a "hollow pit inside," caused by the grief of watching his loved ones die and, very likely, having no other support mechanisms to process it (he's isolated from Trish, and his relationships with Giorno and Fugo are rocky, at best). At the same time, I think the Sex Pistols being a colony stand has to stem from something further back - after all, they've been a colony since he obtained them years prior (and his backstory seems to imply that, even before the stand arrow, they'd existed on some level, though they hadn't yet manifested).

If I can refer back to that Fugo and Mista post, I think what split the Sex Pistols might have been his very OCD-coded thought patterns. Just as All Along the Watchtower (a stand made from a deck of cards, which puts on performances with the "stage name" The Watchtower Troupe) reflects Murolo's belief that the world around him is flimsy and unstable, and that he can't trust anyone and must put on facades to avoid being betrayed; and how he claims Metallica, Bad Company, and Harvest reflected their own users' "hollow pits;" the Sex Pistols are another facet of Mista's life that give him routines and structure, even if it seems irrational to others. He actively has to take care of the Sex Pistols, feed them when they need to be fed, keep them in line behaviorally, etc, or he'll be defenseless, and tangible harm could come to him. Forgetting to, say, give the Pistols lunch would be, in Mista's mind, no different than taking the fourth slice of cake; in both cases, performing (or not performing) a specific, seemingly unrelated action puts him in danger.

The other thing that's interesting about the Sex Pistols, though, is that they're completely sentient. Historically, we see this with characters that have a strong resolve: Koichi, Trish, Giorno, and so on. At the same time, there's characters whose stands behave independently because they lack control over themselves - namely Fugo, to the point where Giorno expresses fear that Fugo dying without coming to terms with his anger/finding self-worth could cause Purple Haze to run wild like Notorious B.I.G. In a way, I think Mista's both; he has incredible resolve, yes, but it takes the smallest, most arbitrary thing to destroy that confidence. From his manga profile:

So the Sex Pistols are sentient, but unlike Echoes Act III, Spice Girl, or Gold Experience Requiem - who may act outside their user's conscious wishes, but always for the best - the way they behave is sometimes to Mista's detriment. They'll get distracted, fight with each other, feed into Mista's paranoia, and so on.

Going back to that Murolo quote does make me wonder, though - based on his theory as to why a stand splits into a colony, why aren't some other stands split? It would make a lot of sense for Purple Haze, Moody Blues, and Voodoo Child to be, for instance, because I'd say that Fugo, Abbacchio, and Sheila E all have their own "hollow pits" that shape them as people. Beyond Vento Aureo/PHF, it'd even make sense for Polnareff, Kakyoin, and Jolyne, off the top of my head. I'd even argue, if Keicho's obsession with his ambition is what made Bad Company a colony stand, shouldn't Giorno have a colony stand? Then again, maybe this implies something about Giorno - that, even if he tries to hide it, the people in his life are more important than his dream. Or maybe I'm just reading too much into this.

But thank you for bringing this up, this Murolo line lives in my brain rent-free and I've been looking for an excuse to talk about it with regard to Mista forever lol