#something i routinely have to remind my ocd

[themarimosystem]

factives dating other factives is not rpf, youre not "shipping" real people just because your system has alters introjected from real life sources. its okay

[basic-bamboo]

Today on: Tumblr is a hell designed specifically for people with moral OCD as well as You're Just A Religious Fundamentalist in a Different Hat

This was a reply on a post about "thought crimes" (completely misunderstanding the probably context and meaning of thought crime) and how if you talk about something then it ceases to be a "thought crime" and then you are just telling people what you're like.

I replied to this directly, but I needed to reply to it openly because this is something that greatly contributed to my development of scrupulosity. For me, this was framed a little differently. This was part of my religious and institutional abuse at the hands of the LDS/Mormon Church and they would say "if you wouldn't say it in front of Jesus or your grandma, don't say it at all."

The idea of having to weigh the potential harms of every possible thing that I could say is something that still affects me to this day. I still struggle to talk to strangers about hobbies or fandoms we have in common because it has been drilled into me by my experiences that I will inevitably do harm- and my mind shows me each and every way every possible thing I could say could be interpreted in a way that could harm the person I'm talking to (including making this post! And replying to that post!) -that in the end it is safer not to talk to anybody (which my mind reminds me is also causing harm) and I routinely delete the things I create because of the Moral Implications.

It is not my or anyone else's responsibility to curate your internet experience for you. When I am posting to my Tumblr- one of the few platforms that allows you to tailor your experience! You have options to filter out things you don't want to see! -I do not have to post with hypothetical children or psych patients or family members or Jesus in mind. You are free to not interact with me or block me or interact with some things and not others and have complicated feelings because despite what our evangelical culture (and my brain) tells us people aren't just Good or Bad and Bad people aren't just waiting in the shadows to jump out and getcha.

The phrase "does this person need to hear this?" is what my brain asks me before I have a chance to send a message reaching out to a friend to tell that I'm having a hard time and then delete it because I can't justify that they do need to hear it. This kind of thinking, this culture of thinking convinces people that they are fundamentally Evil and if you're Evil, why would you deserve help?

[howlsofbloodhounds]

imagine Killer being both really touch starved and extremely touch averse especially if he has bad germaphobia.

Everytime Killer feels the brush of someone bones against his own it burns it reminds him of the story of Icarus flying too close to the sky his was wings burn and he drowns in the cold water below. Killer isn't sure if he would rather be burned or drown in the empty cold feeling. Going back and forth to wanting any form of touch and then immediately hating it and wanting them to stop. Its more then just that. He hasn't been touched by someone in so long that every touch feels like too much, it makes him feel vulnerable and weak, along with feelings of extreme disgust and even fear.

Also little extra blurb about Killer with germaphobia as someone who's a major germaphobe it can become more or less intense depending on emotions especially things like anxiety the more anxious I am the more germaphobic I get. Often having to repeat reassuring mantra to lower the anxiety of germs. I imagine it could go anywhere from freely touching things unless especially gross from being Unwilling to touch anything without a feeling if dudgust or fear abd feeling the need to wash anything that touched what was perched as germs which for me can be things like a house key, tables, door knobs, etc I really want some nice gloves to protect my hands cause I keep overwashing them.

Also Killer gives strong ocd vibes or im just projecting and germaphobia is common in those with ocd. I feel like his training and life with Chara would have him develop ocd. He wants things done a certain way or feels like something bad will happen or its just the obviously correct way to be done. Can also see him doing little rituals that he feels increases his luck or things that have to be done to not be cursed with bad luck. Turning the door knob to his room at least three times to ensure its locked, never walking on the opposite side of a pole as someone else, avoiding the first or last step, etc. (These are all things I do lol)

~Musical Anon

Stares at my Stage 4 Killer with OCPD adaptations headcanon. (Definitely not the same as OCD, but the need for order, control, things have to happen like this, you have to follow the rules and the routines, I have to be perfect to be safe/loved/accepted.

When in St4 the rules are the agreements of the Deal and the outlines of the Directive, but the traits would likely show up in other Stages such as 2.

The intense fear of something bad happening if it isn’t done or a rule isn’t followed is moreso from trauma and conditioning and likely indoctrination, although I can definitely see him having some type of compulsions and rituals alleviate fear/anxiety, ones tied to survival and the fear of failure perhaps—such as, in the context of my little directive headcanons—drawing little upside down hearts somewhere whenever subconsciously anxious or fearful (although 2 would deny feeling absolutely anything) or as a mindless automatic habit or whenever prevented from killing a target as if to appease some unseen watching force.

And in lower Stages, doing this absentmindedly when stressed or scared—such as whenever awaiting a punishment for failing a mission in some way (especially if he either accidentally slipped up and killed someone or was trigged into Stage 4, or simply to handle the dissonance of not killing a target) mindlessly drawing little upside down hearts on his arms with his fingers or in the air and not really understanding why. )

I can also see him absently checking and rechecking everything (such as rather obsessively checking up on the gang and that they’re still alive and attended to, not because he really cares too much about the outcome, but because the actions give him a sense of control and makes sure he’s adhering to his duties as Nightmares right hand), and probably forming rituals around the steps of caring for his weapons and tools, and arranging them in certain ways because it feels more familiar that way and he does it almost automatically now.

[unhappytimeleaper]

This is part of my just random blurbs I post on the servers I’m on but no one understands so I’m forcing it on all of you.

Truly unedited thoughts. Gender neutral reader; no age is mentioned but the idea is reader is around Kei age.

This blog is 17+ please have your age in your bio or tagged; any ageless blog and below the age asked for will be blocked at the end of the week.

No warnings outside of yes, it is vague but it is still yandere and possible spoilers for part 8 of Jojo

Kira himself was weird. At least hard to deal with, his narcissistic nature and OCD being one side that you could manage, within small doses, but the other being his naturally cold demeanor made it much harder. Somehow, you did manage to keep some form of a friendship. It was always hard when you would bring things up, and he would brush it off or tell you to just cut them out. You had him; why waste your time with others. Correction, you occasionally had him; you knew he was fond of his own personal time and interests, plus sometimes you just need a break from his personality. Sure, it made him a little more grumpy when you called this out, but amends usually were made quickly, and you'd fall back into your routine with each other. In his own weird way, Kira knew she was more fond of you than pretty much any other person outside of his family, even if it was hard to tell. Something you probably only ever learn from his sister after his disappearance.

Josefumi always felt abandoned and left out less you were around. You checked in on him in conversations, invited him to plans, walked alongside him, and overall did your best to consistently remind him that he had value. Was it wrong for him to be sort of selfish when it came to you and how much you seem to want to be with him? It meant something special to have you around, even if only as a friend, and it wasn't like with Sakunami. Josefumi was, after all, who you always turned to as a close friend when Kira and you were doing your own thing. Although his brutally violence fighting was something you shouldn't forget, or could really as the aftermath of some of them had been burned into your mind, he overall was a kind and caring young man you admired a lot and took pride in being friends with. It wasn't hard to see his crush, a very apparent one, but nothing could ever come from it as soon as he up and vanished.

Enter Josuke, or Gappy, nicknamed by his two front teeth. An odd fellow who appeared from nowhere with what seemed no memories. Not to say he wasn't smart, but he lacked a sense of self and the world around him. And despite this. Not knowing who he is, who anyone is really, he notes there is something strange about you. Not in a bad way, but like your fates are connected. That he cares for you even if he doesn't remember who you are. And despite everything, those feelings from both Kira and Josefumi only seem to be brought more and more to the front as you spend time. There is no memory of who you were to them; they are all separate people after all, but the care he has seems deeply burned into his soul. Something he doesn't want to lose, no matter what it takes.

You knew this wasn't them even as you learn and piece together this was the two friends you had lost. Gappy was someone new, and you couldn't push the life you had in the past with "them" onto him. It crushes you to be around him at times, you admit to yourself. The loss of both Kira and Josefumi was devastating; after all, even with the troubling nature they both could have, you did care for them as friends. And Gappy himself wasn't bad; he had many good traits and was fun to be around, but it's not like he could fill the hole in your heart. But even with the distance you tried to put in, acknowledging to him it's nothing he did or didn't do, you just needed space. Time. One day, maybe things would heal more, and you'd be able to truly befriend the new boy.

Distance isn't possible, though; the feelings of Kira and Josefumi, even without memories of who they are, are ingrained in a way he can't understand or explain. Like an invisible string connecting those they held dear to each of his fingers, he can't see what makes them special; he just feels it to his core. And he can't let it slip away, let you slip away when you hold the secrets to his past and to the weird drumming of his heart. Please, just stay a little longer? His drive is relentless, and while he can play cute to keep you around if what it takes, he does have other means he'd be willing to try if you keep pushing him away.

[kaleeatinghoe]

GREGSTOPHE HEADCANONS!!!

(+individual)⚠️ocd and very small blood mention (just to be safe)

recently ive been obsessed with them i need to make headcanons it’s a requirement

first of all, gregory was never secretive about his feelings,,. he would call chrisophe “darling” and “my dear” but christophe somehow didn’t realize that this was romantic (??) and thought that was just how he spoke.

everybody assumed they already had something going on, until gregory started loudly monologuing about his love and how he had “longed to profess” his love.,, christophe was absolutely taken aback, but nobody else gave a fuck

gregory is definitely a theater kid in a way. he joined the drama club at school, and was absolutely disgusted at how bad everyone’s acting and how they didn’t put their entire heart and soul into a school play.

he also convinced christophe to join tech crew. (maybe i make a comic??:0)

sometimes christophe disappears for days at a time and hes just like somewhere around like in a random field or walking down the road,, and he doesn’t sleep much. hes just out all night doing random stuff

gregory speaks french and he’ll monologue in french occasionally and very theatrically and christophe is just there sick of this shit

they both just crawl into each others houses through the window(especially christophe) while the other is sleeping. gregory keeps his window open and christophe has crawled in and woken him up at some ungodly hour because there was something unescessary that he insisted had to be done and couldn’t wait until daylight.

he also somehow just knows extremely specific details about people and businesses that he pulls out of nowhere whenever they are plotting against them

oh and he definitely knows all about tweek bros,, and has planned to expose them

gregory once kissed ze mole in a very theatrical way. he would do some kind of speech and make it look straight out of a shakespeare play,, and time it right before he leaves abruptly. and christophe is like shocked and also cringing because gregory is such a fucking theater kid and while what he did was rlly sweet.., it’s like dude

gregory is a bit germaphobic and takes hygiene extremely seriously. he washes his hands before and after he eats, and showers atleast once a day. he may have ocd which causes him to wash his hands like 57 times a day giving him super dry hands (js like me with my ocd fr) so he constantly puts lotion on his hands

christophe is kinda the opposite. he has normal hygiene like he doesn’t fail to wash his hands after taking a shit but he will also forget to shower for weeks. he just kinda forgets so he has gregory remind him every so often “have you showered this week?” also he is really dirty all the time and tracks dirt and mud a lot. gregory makes him take his shoes off before coming inside

overall christophe doesn’t take very good care of himself., mostly because he forgets, partly because he doesn’t gaf. gregory on the other hand, gets severe anxiety if he forgets one step of his routine, or forgets to eat, or loses track of time and goes to sleep too late,, he is very concerned for his wellbeing and physical / mental health,, a bit to much to the point where it affects his mental health a little bit

ALSO CHRISTOPHE HAS FUCKING BUSTED UP HANDS from like digging and stuff,, his nails are just caked with dirt even after he washes his hands. bro cannot wear white clothes without them getting stained

gregory also has busted up hands sometimes because when his ocd gets really bad and he washes his hands like crazy,, and he forgets to put lotion on his hands crack and bleed. (js like me omg)

okay,, i wanna do more but i can do a sequel. if u want me to do any particular character(s) or ship(s) my ask box is always open!! ;D

[woodenfawn]

Thoughts on Rem and Ram <3

One of the first ever hints we get to how different they actually are is their little twin-talk routine. Along with the discussion of their "competency" as maids, and the Red Oni/Blue Oni story. And I think it's a really cool little detail!

Rem always speaks first. "Nee-sama, Nee-sama," referencing Ram as Nee-sama is a title that implies respect above everything else. Of course you can tell they love each other so very much but Rem is emphasizing how her older sister is the "superior one", which, I'm pretty sure, is why Subaru says that Ram gets special treatment. It is also interesting, though, that Rem is the one who speaks first in the routine- despite being the more insecure of the two. Ram is definitely more confident in her ability to mess with people and make rude comments, so why does Rem go first?

When Ram speaks, she simply calls Rem by her name, instead of Onee-chan or Nee-chan, and I'm curious about it. You'd think they'd have matching titles for each other, the Nee-sama and Nee-chan or something, but no, they very specifically do not. Even in a conversation pattern where they're playing into the "identical twin dynamic". I wonder if Ram is using this to remind Rem that she's her own person? Like, of course Ram loves her sister- and it's not a sign of disrespect. But she seems to have chosen to address her by name rather than by their relationship, and given how much she wants Rem to be remembered and loved by others, it might be a way to make sure they remember her as an individual. Interesting, given what happens to Rem.

I do think that this was Ram's indirect way of pushing Rem to be more confident in herself. She's always been able to tell how insecure she was, but I don't think she ever knew what to do about it, because the source of their problems came from the circumstances of their birth. Given how may years it'd been from the burning of their clan to arc 2, it surprised me a little to hear that Rem had held onto her inferiority complex and guilt for that long, when Ram cared about her wellbeing so much. I think if they'd had enough long talks about it, it could have healed (at least mostly) over time. I think it leaves the idea that either Ram was unsure of how to address it, or Rem refused to talk about it at all. Probably both.

I do also have my "Rem has OCD/OCD traits" theory because of how she. You know. Decides she needs to spend the entire rest of her life filling Ram's shoes and protecting her to atone for *one thought* she had in an extremely traumatic event. There's also the whole business with her being attached to the idea of living/dying for people she cares about as her ultimate proof of love, and her excessive willingness to hurt or kill *potential* threats to Keep Her People Safe. That's not to equate any disorder to a potential to hurt others! The world of Re:Zero frowns on murder in many cases, but it is far more willing to accept it as a response to threats- it can easily be forgiven with a good justification. The reason I bring this up is because Rem is very willing to act on her own to use Extreme Measures because she is *so certain she's right, and she HAS to do this to ease burdens on her loved ones.

!!!ARC 7/8 SPOILERS!!!

For these reasons, I find it very interesting that Rem was brought back into the story without her memory. We get to see a more unfiltered version of her. She still feels guilt extremely easily and holds onto certain ideas with a little too much strength, but she doesn't put up acts for people and she hasn't Attached Herself to someone. With no memory of Ram or Subaru, she has learned to think for herself and be more independent. It's mentioned that her personality is more similar to Ram's than it seemed to be before. I know many people are annoyed with how she's lost her memories because they want Their Rem back, but I honestly think this is a really interesting and worthwhile study of her character. I almost wonder if she actually would be happier if she never got her name and memories back, if she could live without her traumas, even if she is fully aware that she's missing a large part of herself.

Personally, I want to see her grow as she is, and develop her relationships and mindset and way of life from here, and *then* face her memories again. Her learning to love herself and have self worth and then facing the her that couldn't... that would be really cool, I think. I want to see her and Ram develop a new sisterly relationship and I want to see how it compares and contrasts with the one they had before. I love their dynamic, and I love how Tappei Nagatsuki is treating the reunion of the sisters. I am very interested, too, to see how things play out with Spica, given this is the closest kind of Capital P Protectiveness we've seen from her, in a similar way to how she cared for Ram and Subaru pre-gluttony.

She's definitely got a strong theme of Memory and Sleep as concepts, and I've been wondering if her name was intentional. Along with Ram being the hornless oni. Ram.

The fact that Ram may have spent this long trying to make sure everybody remembered Rem's name, just for her to be forgotten by *everybody*... man .

[7-wonders]

Hey again, could I request some Michael hdcns or just a fluffy blurb of Michael with a reader that has adhd? Once you get to feeling better ofc! I've been going through it mentally and it would mean the world to me! I haven't found any Michael fics with a neurodivergent reader. So I'd love to see how your brilliant mind would be able to bring that idea into fruition! If not, I understand! Lmk pls :) !!

p.s, I'm currently sick too and on my period *sigh*, so we're in this together sis :,)

Anonymous asked:

Hey! I hope you're feeling well <3. I was recently diagnosed with ADHD and OCD. Do you think you could write some Michael fluff with this? Maybe where the reader tells him about it, and how he would react? I hope that makes sense. Just something with Michael and a reader with ADHD and/or OCD 👉👈

These asks speak to me as someone who also has ADHD lol. I hope I do these hc's some justice!

Michael is one of the first people in your life to actually seek to understand your ADHD and help you with it, instead of just getting mad when you exhibit symptoms that make life difficult. It's a total breath of fresh air, and at first, you're a little worried that the other shoe is gonna drop and you're gonna act too neurodivergent for him. Spoiler alert: there's no other shoe

Your emotions are so intense, and Michael often has to remind you to take a couple of breaths and revisit these feelings in a few minutes, rather than letting them take over and ruin your mood. He's almost always right that you'll have a clearer mind after doing that

I tend to get the "zoomies" with my ADHD, where I'm suddenly buzzing and feeling really goofy and like I want to bounce around. Michael finds it fun to join in on the zoomies with you, which usually ends with both of you wrestling on the floor and just acting like a couple of kids

Likes going on walks with you when you're feeling overwhelmed

Always carries a pair of earbuds for you in case you get too overstimulated in public and need to turn music on and tune out your surroundings

(Considering a large part of ADHD is forgetfulness, you're eternally grateful for this because you usually forget to bring earbuds with you)

Has started actually cooking meals so that you can get out of the cycle of forgetting to eat, eating a bunch of random snacks, and forgetting again. Cooking quickly becomes an activity that you do together, and you really enjoy it. When you eat better, you feel better!

Breathes with you whenever you're feeling anxious or overwhelmed

Reminds you to take your meds (he sets up an alarm on your phone because, predictably, you've forgotten to do so)

If he notices you picking at your skin, he'll gently grab your hands to get you to stop

Encourages your hyperfixations and is more than happy to listen as you excitedly explain whatever it is, but also helps to pull you out of that hole so you can eat, sleep, and not burn your eyes staring at a computer or a TV or a video game

Doesn't get mad at you for accidentally talking over him or repeatedly asking "what?" before whatever he's said computes in your head 0.1 seconds later

He took it personally the first time that he tried to touch you when you were overstimulated and you pulled away with him, but only because he thought you were mad at him. Now, he always looks at you before going to touch you, waiting for you to nod before he grabs your hand or hugs you

Is currently fighting a losing battle when it comes to trying to help you sleep normally and through the night. He's tried all the tricks that people recommend: going to bed earlier, having a routine, taking melatonin, keeping electronics out of the bedroom. Nothing works, and it's frustrating for both of you, but you deal

Is always reassuring you that he loves you and that you're not doing anything wrong. You tend to worry a lot, and he wants to make sure that you never doubt him or what he's feeling or thinking

Loves you completely and wholeheartedly, even on the bad days

[deusexmachinawitch]

My results doing @starnightlover’s Miracle Maker 7 Days Challenge!!!

I was manifesting SP and at the moment, nothing happened. That doesn’t mean everything is bad, don’t come for me or Star because I know the community can be a bit sensitive when it comes to trying to prove that the law is wrong 😂.

While there was times I couldn’t count because I was working or attending emergencies, I did affirm in my head and sometimes affirm randomly outside the 45 minutes since this was an easier affirmation compared to the previous one I chose the previous time.

Still, the affirmation I used this time really resonates with me to the point that whenever I have a thought that doesn’t align with the results I want, I shut it up with that affirmation. I feel really calm as well and I really think that things will go amazing. It also helped me not give a f to the 3D.

While I did not get him immediately, there was something beautiful that happened yesterday just when I was going to sleep and considered the challenge done.

I was calmly getting ready for bed, I have OCD so my rituals before bed are skincare, making sure my pets have everything they need, cuddle them and then tidy my desk so everything is good for when I wake up. I was tidying my desk and suddenly I see one of my pets managing to remove my backpack from a chair I have and opening it. It was a lot of noise and I see them removing something from my backpack and I run to them. It was SP’s hoodie that I keep with me always as a way to remind me he’s already with me. Because of the summer, I just really didn’t take it out or done something to it for months.

Right when I was scolding my pet and I grabbed the hoodie to shake the fur out of it, I heard something outside my window and a surge of light filled my room. It was fireworks, just right at the moment I grabbed the hoodie. One of the things that SP and I love is to watch fireworks together, so I wore the hoodie over my shoulders like he was passing his arm around me and watched the fireworks. I didn’t feel sad, I didn’t cry, I didn’t wonder anything. I just watched and said “Aren’t they beautiful, SP?”. I was really calm and just continued my night routine as soon they were over.

It was really like having my anime moment. This is really something that I like since I got into LoAss, that things that I see in stories happen to me and I really feel like the main character.

Since I liked this challenge, I’ll probably do it again this week but more generalized like affirming that everything bends to my will or something like that.

Don’t feel discouraged guys, to me this was worth it because I feel calm and that fireworks moment was worth everything.

[rosewinterborn]

"One Of Them Tag Games: A Week Late Edition"

Tagged by @synobun !

Last Song: Tomboy Tuesday! By Ham Sandwich (very fun gender vibes, very difficult to follow anime clips)

Favorite Color: pretty much any dark, rich jewel tone, but i tend towards midnight blue and, currently, forest green

Last Movie/Show: technically Sense8 because j and i are watching it with a friend, but last night i got caught up on The Apothecary Diaries and as someone who doesn't like a lot of anime I'm having a great time

Next on My Watchlist: i don't really do watchlists (or tbrs), i generally just follow the dopamine. In all honestly, probably sense8 again next Thursday

Last Game: i play a very dumb color sorting game on my phone to fall asleep. Other than that, i think i played a few hours of bg3 last week.

Last Book (completed): Crescent City House of Earth and Blood by Sarah J Maas (in preparation for House of Flame and Shadow, which came out on Tuesday. I did not make it and my book bestie has been yelling at me lol)

Sweet/Savory/Spicy: i don't really snack anymore? So this question is hard. I used to go for salt above all else but since salt disagrees with me more often than not, i just kind of. Don't. Probably sweet, at the moment. If i had to guess.

Relationship Status: Double Married, as @wasabipesto reminded me last week lol

Last Thing I Searched For Online: the artist for tomboy tuesday. Before that, the symptoms of MCAS (which I've since deemed unlikely that i have)

Current Obsession: still chipping away at the health anxiety, unfortunately. Hoping to replace it with something more pleasant soon though.

Biggest Flaw: also difficult. Every answer ive come up with is just A Disorder That I Have and it feels wrong to just say like. My anxiety (which is currently debilitating and getting expensive) or my inability to maintain any kind of self care or regulation routines (thats just adhd baybee). Plus i don't know that i have anything about myself that i think is outright Bad. Like. The anxiety makes me very good at noticing things, and there are a lot of aspects of my adhd that i actively enjoy. Something something your greatest flaw is also your greatest strength given the right context.

...Yknow what, I'm going with the anxiety actually, because it's turning me into a caged animal in my own body and i feel like I'm watching myself develop ocd in real time. Hate that for me.

Fic I'm Currently Reading: haven't actually read any fic in a while tbh. I think i was on a brief destiel kick a couple weeks ago but it didn't last very long and it was mostly rereads. (For currently reading in general I'm *supposed* to be working on House of Sky and Breath. Progress has been slow.)

Tagging: @wasabipesto , @laboradorescence , @writersblockandapotoftea , @shorter-than-her-tbr-pile , and anyone who feels like playing!

[aureamediocritasi]

chronic aches mind

chronic: does my muse have any chronic health conditions / illnesses? how do these affect them from day-to-day? 

a lot of nerve damage! involuntarily twitching and chronic pain, mostly in the worst of his scars around his torso. he never comments on it or takes anything for it, though. both because pain killers arent something easy to come by, and also because he feels he sort of deserves to live with it anyway. its his injury, he should be reminded it exists, is what he'd probably say about it.

aches: does my muse have any frequent aches? ie, muscle aches, joint aches? how do these affect them from day-to-day? 

rotator cuffs on both arms definitely, and especially with his missing one. sometimes he can still feel it, and then the pain of whenever it was cut off comes back like its new. whenever this happens, he takes off his prosthetic and rubs some numbing cream into the healed over scar tissue. seems to work for the worst of it, in his experience.

mind: does my muse have any mental conditions that affect their lives? what are they? how do they handle them? what coping methods do they use most?

depression, anxiety, paranoia, panic, mild ocd, c-ptsd but that kind of includes most of the first four. naur he does not have any coping mechanisms besides being acutely aware that all of it is a thing and just dealing with it as it comes. if he has a panic attack he sits still for as long as he needs to until it goes away. as for the depression, anxiety, paranoia etc. he just drinks. very healthy. he has his own little rituals for the ocd: his morning routine, and he deals with other excessive intrusive thoughts by playing them out in his head rather than doing them if theyre inconvenient. if theyre not then he just does it. he probably also has some undiagnosed/unidentified ADHD / ADD. i def know knives is autistic lets be real as senior wizard the great autismo myself.

[pretty-volatile]

Tuesday, October 1, 2024 6:14 am

I haven't posted in a looongg time lol. There's quite a bit to catch up on. Um firstly yay, October! My favorite holiday is coming up! And my 9 year anniversary with my amazing partner ❤️🍾🥂🌹🎉 but also, lol one of trauma times is coming up and actual Halloween does have a trauma past too, but I've moved on enough/dissociated that enough that I don't have current play by play memory of it, just the facts, of both traumas. But it's something to keep in mind to make sure no one gets triggered out in a negative way.

Okay so here's to the juicy part of this .......what if ......it was OSDDID the whole time????? Just hear me out okay......

Autism: okay yes, we have it, and it may have even contributed to the osddid tbh. But like once I started to pay attention to our ism, I think we were addressing the negative symptoms that some of the alters were experiencing/made it less likely to dissociate/switch/shutdown etc. therefore those alters feel heard/accommodated that we don't feel those as much/they don't influence as much. Obvsly autism applies to the whole collective (we call it that), but some alters can hold more or less traits/symptoms. Also sometimes the stimming feels like it's our little (v autistic) and teen that def has ADHD.

ADHD: do we all experience ADHD like our teen does? Hmm I'm not sure, I feel though the possibility that a lot of my executive dysfunction is more related to there being no communication betweens us and being able to remember what it is that we need to do or needing certain alters to do certain tasks/chores/responsibilities/areas of focus. But like it's cool that we see the usefulness of hyperfixations/positive obsessions that can bring someone out that needs to get shit done.

BPD: not all of us deal with BPD traits. It seems to be concentrated in relationship alters/sexual alters/trauma holders. There's def one maybe two that we can think of right away that this applies to. But the self harm etc def applies to persecutor/abuser introject. Fp obsessions can also be mostly attributed to a certain body queen after that also seems to be a sexual alter/relationship trauma holders that need someone new to latch on to

Bipolar w/ psychosis: alright this one's gonna be hard but head me out okay....our strong moods were attached to a certain way of thinking, behaving, our perspective on things, likes/interests, and it would always change with stress and with trauma and when we didn't keep up a routine, these things can also be explained by us alters.....and my psychosis, while I def have hallucinated and I have experienced delusional thinking, but also ....the hallucinations and the delusions had more to do with not feeling like the world around is real (derealization) or feeling like I'm not real or like this isn't my body (depersonalization), and some of my delusions could also be explained by other alters and being confused while fronting because they were also experiencing dpdr......

OCD: def struggle with obsessions and compulsions, However, starting to wonder is ocd was more just a defense barrier to discovering that we're a collective...like some intrusive thoughts could be an alter in the headspace, And some could be intrusive thoughts of that after but a diff alter is fronting so they can ignore it bc it's not theirs but if co-con or co fronting then it can affect both. But a lot of intrusive thoughts about things that we've fucked up on and it's basically probably an alter reminding the other alters to not fuck up again bc it's important to keep things cohesive and consistent and if we must double check triple check everything that's done so it's done right so we don't have to explain why we don't fucking remember what happened or why we did something because there amnesia between us sometimes and it takes a whole for information to boot up. But it's also like our OCD kept guiding us in other directions(diagnoses) that did address some alters' concerns without acknowledging that it belonged to a particular alter's concern or that we're a collective etc

Eating disorder: a lot of this is tied to the physical neglect we went through and we're fairly certain that a certain alters, maybe the little, is the one that does the eating, and the rest of us dissociate the need in order to survive bc we have tummy issues sometimes and don't always have enough food or time to eat or other alters don't like how stomach feels after eating and have to move around a lot. Usually have to smoke weed in order to bring out the hunger signals and the alter so we can eat. We're so proud of ourselves in our expansion of foods we eat that we wouldn't have eaten before meeting our partner. But also a lot of the discomfort with the body came from trauma, but also depersonalization/dysmorphia/dysphoria(gender too) that came with it....hard when the body doesn't match with how an alter looks in headspace. Hard not to take it out in the body when the body has been so often critiqued, objectified, perceived by others when we do not wish it.

cPTSD: well this is a no brainer, if you have ongoing trauma/abuse, that's gonna cause cPTSD and if you have it at a young enough age, you're gonna get osddid. So I mean, we know this to be a fact

Dyslexia/dysgraphia: feeling dissociative when trying to focus and be present but also math and writing is so often associated with school and school of course required certain alters/split to trauma holders so can't remember all that right now. Also sometimes gonna have messy handwriting when there's a lot going on in headspace that can't always translate to the external wold

Dissociative amnesia: ADHD time blindness? Or in dissociative trance? Or unable to remember what another alter did/thought/felt/reasonings for so or not feeling emotionally connected with it between diff alters? Sometimes can remember things, sometimes can't, sometimes can remember as simply a fact but not necessarily something that they did their self

Denial: sometimes it's so easy to accept all this and it just makes sense and we've been like this the whole time but we're always scared of being wrong --> punishment so it's hard to accept sometimes. Also it's like in headspace and when high, it's like well duh we're multiple, but when some of us try to talk out loud high or not, it's really hard to accept because another alter makes us think we're crazy and we feel guilt and shame and embarrassed and it can feel like hot steel blade in our throat and like we physically can't talk about or like the dyslexia thing happens were shit gets jarbled up

Dreams and affect on sleep?: diff alters have diff themes that they dream and some of us don't dream/don't remember ours/experience someone else's dream. Recognition of what scenario one is in has lead to lucid experiences almost always. Though interesting to note, not sure if alters seen each other in dreams, sometimes is like one is watching the others as a movie or like they're in a VR (lucid dreaming). Types of dreams and how we wake up/who it is that's front when we wake up can kinda change the trajectory of the day. There are some days when an alter goes to sleep, a diff alter dreams, the other alters has no recollection when startled awake and it feels like that alter didn't sleep but also may not necessarily feel tired. Or certain dreams feel so real or so exhausting that we're so tired and keep falling back asleep cause it feels like we didn't rest

We've been contemplating whether we're multiple/plural for a while now, since at least 2019, and it came back to our awareness back in fall of 2023. For a while it was like, is this just a delusion? Is it the ocd? And it hasn't gone away and things are starting to click and we're kinda starting to get to know each other more/communicate in whatever way we can with the minimal awareness we have

It feels scary but incredible at the same time to acknowledge this, and we've been paying attention to the dissociation more kinda. It's hard to write and this is long enough.

Talk to you later,

Alex

[solitalien]

Planner

Just recently got myself planner because I've learned that I do better achieving things if it's something I plan physically. Not just setting a reminder on my phone, as that shit just never works.

Anyway, I found some comfort and reassurance by looking up tips for beginners by Passion Planner and The Organized Money, both lovely youtubers.

From what I essentially got from both of them is to take it at your own pace by not pressuring yourself to overdo it. As well as keeping it with a nice consistent routine, and a place where it can constantly remind you of the plan.

(Ahh.. just started feeling anxious... and now I'm bored.)

Well, just wanted to say that I don't plan to start it till June, because my OCD feels that need to start at the beginning of the month. otherwise, I'll mess up the whole thing if I don't.

I also wanted to share some questions I asked myself by Passion Planner's video that helped me calm my nerves about the whole things as I do plan to commit to it for my own self-improvement.

I will do my best.

My Planner Fears:

What are my doubts and fears?

That I will lose touch of my good habits, that this planner won't help me make new ones.

What is holding me back from my goals?

Not getting up and doing the things I need to do, and self-sabotage.

What about my environment is making me feel uncomfortable with my planner?

The possible idea that it will be swallowed up the next time my room becomes a mess.

Planner Opportunities:

What excites me about my planner?

Being able to have too physically write my plans down to get them done.

What does future me look like, feel and do?

I look put together and healthy. I feel calm and cool. I am doing my best.

What are my intentions for the new year?

To be the best me, for me, my family, friends, and for anyone else who needs it.

[introvertfox]

Some things about me AKA why I think I might be autistic:

Hate clothes with buttons

Had a gibberish language with my siblings that only I spoke when I was younger than 9. I don't remember how old I was then

Go non verbal when overwhelmed

Misread the room and end up saying rude/embarrassing things without understanding it was rude/embarrassing; ie, when I said my parents sleep separately when relatives were visiting and being shown around the house. I did not know, in fact, that was a no no. I was 12-15 then. Had to be pulled aside for that.

Genuinely asked "Is that rude?" after telling Theater(? It was a weird extra English class mom signed us up for) teacher to "Shut up". I don't remember what it was in response to, but it was probably some innocuous comment. Further reflection leads me to believe that a more appropriate response would have been "Please don't say that." Or just saying nothing. Also learnt since then that "Shut up" was rude

I forgot what was said moments before, but it led to grandpa saying "Walk on all fours", and I replied "Like a dog" giggling because dogs are cute and I've heard this saying on the TV. Get told off for being sarcastic. Never felt comfortable talking to grandparents about anything ever again

A more recent example was when a housemate's phone rang with a guy's name and I said as much while passing her phone back to her from the living room. She was with her mom. Another housemate had to escort me out. We're in uni (by now I usually run everything I want to say in my head several time before saying it aloud, but if I get too comfortable it slips my mind)

Inappropriate eye contact; always either too much or too little (usually this). Only started noticing this last year

Empathy issues. "Okay, sorry that happened to you" is something I had to teach/remind myself to say instead of just "Okay". Especially not to say "Why are you telling me?" or "What does that have to do with me?"

My only frames of reference for how to act normally are media/ pieces of fiction I've consumed; I somehow passed through the schooling system until college without getting social cues and norms IRL. Mind you, I went through two different schooling systems; government school in the morning, religious school in the afternoon, alongside tuition for language and math; neither of which had me learn how to interact with people, regardless of how many "group projects" done

Additional things about me that psyche me out of self-diagnosis:

Only ate things separately/methodically (vege, then rice, then meat) because it'd drag out the time I spent in recess, than having to sit alone in class; and I could overhear classmates talking about stuff for longer

I don't like soups or any liquid foods; but will still eat them else it'd be wasteful

Holes hate may just be my tryptophobia. Also despise drains in the sink and shower that's round. Covered or slitted is fine

Non verbal due to social anxiety. And 90%+ introversion. last I did that MBTI test. People battery runs out fast; the exception is if the task at hand is interesting and I'd power through the low battery like I'm in a weird drunk/high state. (I've never imbibed so I'm assuming)

Am doing better in group settings nowadays. Have been emailing and booking rooms for group courseworks okay

I don't stim or fidget or have repetitive behaviour

According to aunts, I was pretty talkative as a kid, so no speech impediments

I don't have a set routine, nor do I care for one

My compulsion to arrange things in a specific way only applies to things I have irrationality decided to be picky about; ie, how I arrange my suitcase and closet. I'm not OCD about every little thing in my spaces. I don't throw tantrums if something I arranged gets messed with

I don't explode in tantrums at all. Or breakdown. I just cry in bed sometimes but that's more to do with being overwhelmed by life in general every few months or so

I'm not entirely touch averse. If anything I'm touch starved, but I'll never initiate hugs unless I think it's an obligation

Probably unrelated, but I have trouble projecting my voice, like I can't not talk with my head voice, so saying stuff out loud is difficult for me. Unless you're my parents, because every time I try to make myself heard, I'm shouting n being disrespectful

[s-o-a-p-ing]

EZEKIEL S.O.A.P. ~ CHAPTER 45

Friday, 7/14/23

SCRIPTURE:

"In the seventh month, on the fifteenth day of the month, at the feast, he shall provide like this, seven days for the sin offering, the burnt offering, the grain offering and the oil.” ~ Ezekiel 45:25

OBSERVATION:

This is the last verse of a series of verses going into great detail about preparing sacrifices - repeated sacrifices - to atone for sin...

Something my "ADHD" and "OCD" nature would obsess over and make the whole point of my relationship with Him...

Thanks be to Him for Jesus Who atoned for my sin with His singular sacrifice...

What do I do to acknowledge that, and live as forgiven?

APPLICATION:

Give thanks for the "simplicity" (is that the right word?), of having been forgiven once and for all...

Live as one forgiven...

PRAYER:

Heavenly Father - I confess to getting caught up in the ritual and routine instead of glorying in the simplicity of confession and repentance... Thank You for Jesus's singular sacrifice on my behalf... and may Your Holy Spirit remind me that You want the relationship with me, not the actions for the actions sake... In Jesus's Name, and for Your glory and honor and praise...

Have the best weekend yet... not necessarily ever... just yet...

Yours - joyfully and prayerfully and thankfully - in Him...

𝖌

<))><

[tanrininmahkemesi]

Hey there val!! I remember sending an anon on my exam week last time and and a little time passed, we literally reached 2023. i'm on this period's last exam week n stuff so we're moving fast!! how is it going on??? i hope everything's as good as they can be. nothing's ever perfect but maybe that's better. everything can shape their shifts into a chaos and you know, experiencing it is ten times colorful n exciting!! This year there's this huge wave of illnesses i hope you are okay :(( if not try to rest and take care of yourself, drink water 'cause your kidneys are like, your lifelong friends so gotta treat them right!! Know that you are precious and worthy, no matter what you do, you are a human being who deserves to be loved and i s loved. Living takes courage sometimes and people sometimes need to stop and think about how far they've come. i personally believe it's important to observe and analysis the journey, especially their own being. Take a break when you need, even if it's waking up ten minutes late or getting fresh air in the morning. maybe these messages are out of nowhere, i don't know but in my estimation, there are times that routine or whatever you are doing struggles your mind and body so much that you might wanna hear another voice (metaphorically) or a reminder about that things happen for a reason and universe got your back. Hopefully you always get up from where life has kindasortapunchedyou and keep going!! I HOPE YOUREHAVINGANAMAZINGDAYNIGHTNOON!! 🎠🎠🎠🎠

HEY AGAIN!!

i honestly don't know how to respond these kind words of you 😭🫶🏻 sending lots of love to you, anon <3

i'm trying, and i have hope this time. i think i can do it! studying english 24/7 is not my favourite thing or something but it's fun! 😅 and also it will help me to success, so... 💪🏻💪🏻

i finally could go to therapy! turns out i have adhd & ocd. it's nice to know what is happening to me, and i always knew that i had these disabilites to be honest, so i'm not shocked and i am actually happy. i have started to use medicines 👍🏻 it's like too early to tell it's working but yeah i know it will! but gosh it's frustrating to use those because they have so many side effects 😅 it's okay though, i've got this!

also i've started to play frp these days. my friends and i are addicted to it 😹 i love frp! i suggest you to take a look at it too! :)

thank you so much, anon. it's nice to know you're here. so nice. i love you! <3

AMAZINGDAYNIGHTNOON TO YOU TOO!!

[bumblehives]

joseph doesn’t really have any canon mental illnesses however there’s no way that he’s mentally stable n i love his character a lot so YIPPEE !!!!

a list of things i want to talk about in this post :

seasonal affective disorder

“double depression”

body dysmorphia

thanatophobia 

gerascophobia

ocpd

ocd 

as well as a topic unrelated to mental illness directly, but has to do with his coping ( or lack of coping ) : 

mercury vapor exposure

given joseph’s morose behavior in ALL of his letters, it’s fairly easy to chalk his feelings up to depression of some kind!! i personally think that he’s afflicted with double depression ( a coexistence of major depressive disorder n persistent depressive disorder ) n seasonal affective disorder, with him experiencing depression year - round with it getting worse during the summer months, hence why he states a dislike for the season!!

i will give a few quotes from his letters to claude that point to this n why i think they do!!

“It seems silly, but I can’t control myself today. 

You and I spent all the seasons together, year after year, until that winter.

The roads began to steepen, yet you were waiting for spring to come with hope while the horrible angel of death awaited.

He took you with him and left. He took many with him and left, to a world I couldn’t go nor understand.

I even began to blame myself. Why did I survive in this freezing spring?”

“You’ll never answer me now. My heart broke when I came to such a realization.

You said spring will always come, just like the clouds can never block the sun’s brilliance. 

From that day onward, I could never enjoy spring without you.”

these are excerpts from “an unsent letter”, joseph’s first character day letter!! in this letter, he shows signs of both mdd / sad through the way he expresses his feelings!! he mentions guilt over surviving without claude, tying back to symptoms involving such guilt n thoughts of death or dying!! he mentions not being able to “control” himself, probably referring to intense feelings of grief n guilt resurfacing with the anniversary of claude’s death!!

“The world continues along its immutable cycle of seasons, as predictable as the constellations in the skies above…

The vicissitudes of life bring meaning to all existence and fill it with a glamor that persists even beyond death’s inevitable call. Endless routine only makes us lose our passion for the new and the unknown.

For some reason, these are the thoughts that have filled my waking moments as of late.”

“Indeed, there is but one thing, and one thing alone, that could make me acknowledge the failure of my endeavors.

And that would be… If you never came back to me.

You, who lies so near and yet so far away, who can only smile and laugh silently as I toil in solitude.”

these are excerpts from joseph’s third character day letter, “a diary made from stationery paper”!! once again, joseph references the changing seasons in a negative manner, indicating a distaste for the warmer months of the year!! similarly, he talks about losing passion in endless routine, n given that we know he rarely strayed from his own routine, it’s almost certain that he’s talking about himself rather than people as a whole!! this loss of passion in things is a telltale sign of most all kinds of depression, mostly attributed to mdd n pdd!!

“The mixed colors of the sun grow increasingly dazzling. It is swallowing my vision and blurring your image. My heart is only ever truly calm when I hold you tight in the darkroom.”

“Perhaps destiny is mocking me for being helpless when you needed me…”

excerpts from joseph’s fourth letter, “a yellowed photograph”!! he doesn’t mention the seasons here, but he does mention the sun, something that is seen far more often in the spring n summer due to the increased amount of time before the sun goes down!! he is shown to find comfort in the darkroom, seemingly because it gives him space away from the reminders of the season!! 

i have nothing else to say about this i jsut know that this guy is severely depressed

body dysmorphia!!!! i don’t think that joseph has an eating disorder, but in an excerpt from his first letter, he states :

“I missed you, my dear brother. Yet when I stand in front of the mirror, day by day, the face looking back at me has begun to feel foreign.”

this leads me to think he has a form of body dysmorphia that has developed from him aging n feeling like he’s growing further n further apart from claude, affecting the way he views his own appearance since they were identical!! in aging, he has begun to look different than claude, who died at a much younger age, leading to him developing a sense of body dysmorphia that’s centered around appearing old and not like “himself” ( claude)!!

i’m going to talk about the thanatophobia n gerascophobia together since they both stem from the same thing in his case!! he canonically fears the idea of growing old or dying, as vaguely stated in his deductions n letters, but given the fact that he literally developed a way to immortalize himself in a photograph to prevent himself from growing older or dying makes me think that his fear was more similar to a phobia!!

i believe that joseph has ocpd because he’s shown to be a perfectionist that cares deeply about things being orderly and controlled by him, not liking things that he’s unable to control, ie death, aging, people’s opinions, etc.!! along with this, he doesn’t doubt his worldview or question his methods at all, proving an unwavering trust in his logic and an unwillingness to learn another way of thinking!! this is shown by the following pieces of text : 

“Fear: It drives us crazy.” ( 10th deduction )

“Will I remember you forever? Will I remember the people I love and admire forever?” ( 1st character day letter )

“What must I remember? Someone must remember.

Those disasters, those illnesses, those lives lost, those people who should have welcomed spring with us…

I want to remember them all.” ( 1st character day letter )

“I also found out that he wasn’t this crazy in the past. Things took a turn when he came back from a journey to somewhere far away. No one knows what happened during the trip, save that he brought back with him a number of mysterious books. From then on, the old man spent all days in the darkroom and shut everyone out.” ( 2nd character day letter )

“Like a man who yearns for greener pastures yet fails to realize the beauty and merit of fields lie beneath his feet…

Or perhaps, it is simply that more and more people react to the mirror far differently than I expected. They say that even if you are undeniably correct, you will still doubt yourself if the entire world curses your name.” ( 3rd character day letter )

“I had no desire to listen to his sermons about the deceased or the meaning of life and time. The longer I live, however, the more I find myself recalling his words.

Why? Why don’t they understand? Life is a gift, a wondrous blessing that should end as poetically as it begins. For this reason, when a person faces their own end, they should be grateful, even ecstatic, at the opportunity to have their final moments immortalized.

Why do so many choose to grow old, to lose their youthful beauty, to struggle helplessly in the knowledge that their souls will never find peace… All this is beyond me.” ( 3rd character letter )

i don't have much else to say regarding his ocpd,,,, i jsut think that he fits the diagnostic criteria!! the traits he fits are as follows :

"A persistent pattern of preoccupation with order; perfectionism; and control of self, others, and situations" as shown in his unwillingness to change his patterns of thinking n his methods

"A striving to do something perfectly that interferes with completion of the task" + "Excessive devotion to work and productivity (not due to financial necessity), resulting in neglect of leisure activities and friends" shown by his obsession with perfecting the art of photography n being able to put oneself inside of one

"Excessive conscientiousness, fastidiousness, and inflexibility regarding ethical and moral issues and values" + "Rigidity and stubbornness" shown in his refusal to even attempt to understand why others don't think the same way that he does

"Unwillingness to throw out worn-out or worthless objects, even those with no sentimental value" this is only partially true, since the objects he's shown to keep with him are of sentimental value, but it's never been shown that he doesn't keep other such items

as for ocd!!!! i'm just going to list off the things that make him fit under the diagnostic criteria for it since i don't have much to actually say about it other than that it's likely the source of his obsessions!! he canonically experiences obsessions regarding his photography, death, n aging, n is heavily implied to have them over claude as well, n while he isn't explicitly stated to have intrusive thoughts, it's hard to think that a man who has kidnapped people for the sake of his obsession with immortality hasn't had any /lh

"Obsessional symptoms or compulsive acts or both must be present on most days for at least 2 successive weeks and be a source of distress or interference with activities."

"Obsessional symptoms should have the following characteristics:

a. they must be recognised as the individual's own thoughts or impulses. b. there must be at least one thought or act that is still resisted unsuccessfully, even though others may be present which the sufferer no longer resists. c. the thought of carrying out the act must not in itself be pleasurable (simple relief of tension or anxiety is not regarded as pleasure in this sense). d. the thoughts, images, or impulses must be unpleasantly repetitive."

time to talk about something that NO ONE ACKNOWLEDGES ; joseph LITERALLY huffing mercury vapors n hallucinating claude

he talks about it in his letters like its the most normal thing in the world to have experienced so it's not hard to think that he's done it multiple times before!!

if you do not know ( as many people don't since you don't normally need to know the affects of mercury on the human body ), inhaling mercury often causes :

bronchitis / upper respiratory illness or disease

fever chills

shortness of breath

abdominal cramps

diarrhea

renal dysfunction

visual disturbances

intention tremors

n in worse cases can cause pulmonary edema / fibrosis, corrosive bronchitis, n neuropsychiatric disturbances

so pretty much joseph was a SICKLY 60 year - old before he went into that photograph /lh

okay thats it uhhm i loev jsoeph desaulniers meow!!!!

hey guys i think its time for me to psychoanalyze idv characters again