#someone even made this bullshit comparison like

[itneverendshere]

invisible string - r.c series (three) (+18)

pairing: pogue!rafe x kook!sweetheart!reader warnings: angst; smut; fluff. part one; part two

Rafe rarely ever fought with you. 

Sure, he’d thrown his weight around with just about everyone else, but with you?

He’d dropped the whole tough-guy bullshit months ago. Hell, he’d even cried in front of you, ugly sobbing and all. He didn’t let himself be that vulnerable with anyone else, but today... today he felt like his skin was too tight and he was two seconds away from losing it.

He didn’t understand why you were pushing so hard. You kept going, saying the same things over and over, and he was trying so damn hard to stay calm, but every word you said just felt like gasoline on a fire.

He wasn’t even mad at you, not really.

He was mad at everything else—at himself, at how nothing ever seemed to go right, at how he always felt one wrong move away from everything falling apart. And now you wanted to talk about it again, like you didn’t see how close he was to just snapping.

It felt like you didn’t get it. No matter how many times you two talked about it, you still thought there was some perfect world where you could just be together out in the open, like it was no big deal.

But it was a big deal. A huge fucking deal.

He leaned against the wall of the shed, arms crossed, just watching you. You looked so damn hopeful like he was really about to show up to your graduation party and stand next to you like some lost puppy. You had this big party planned at your place. Parents, family, all your Kook friends. The whole scene. And you wanted him there. Like your parents weren’t gonna lose their minds if they saw him anywhere near you.

He could practically see your dad’s face already, that look of disappointment or disgust or whatever the hell he’d call it.

Rafe wasn’t dumb. He knew his place around here.

And sure, you knew the basics too: you were heading off to college soon, your life was on this perfect, shiny path, and his...well, his was a whole mess in comparison. But it was like you couldn’t see the bigger picture. Or maybe you just didn’t want to.

You acted like everything between you two would stay the same, like you could just waltz into your new life with him still in it, like he could just follow you there. But Rafe knew better. You were leaving in four months, and that thought sat heavy in his chest every time he was around you now.

And here you were talking about the party again, like his presence there wouldn’t blow up everything.

He wanted to be there for you, more than anything, but not like that. Not surrounded by your perfect little world while he felt like an outsider, waiting for someone to call him out. It was like you didn’t even see the bomb that was about to go off if he stepped foot into your life like that.

“Are you listening to me?”

He ran a hand down his face, trying to hold onto whatever thread of control he had left. “I am listenin',” he muttered, though his voice came out harder than he meant.

“No, you’re not,” you said, a little firmer this time. "You’re shutting down again, like you always do when I bring this up."

He didn’t want to fight. He didn’t want this to turn into some big blow-up. But damn, why couldn’t you just drop it for once? Why did you always have to dig, always push when he was hanging by a thread?

“Are coming tonight or not?” you asked for the millionth time, like it was no big deal. Just a party. “It’s nothing crazy.”

He let out a short laugh, not even bothering to hide the sarcasm. Yeah, right. “Like your dad’s not gonna lose his shit the second he sees me?”

“Rafe—” you started, but he already knew where this was going. Same conversation, different day.

You were standin’ there, looking at him with those big, hopeful eyes and it killed him. You were always calm, always trying to make sense of shit when sometimes there just wasn’t any sense to be made.

And right now, he didn’t have the patience for it.

He cut you off. “You really think it’s that easy? You think I can just show up, grab a drink, and blend in with your crowd like we’re in some damn movie? Tell everyone how ‘m your homeless boyfriend?”

You looked frustrated like you couldn’t wrap your head around why this was such a big deal. He wished you could see it from his side, but how could you? You weren’t a pogue.

You didn’t know what it was like being the guy no one wanted around anymore. Hell, he barely had anywhere to crash before you helped him out. And now, what? He was supposed to show up to your graduation party and pretend like he belonged?

He was getting worked up now. He knew it. But damn, how was he supposed to just walk into that house, standing next to you while everyone whispered about how he would be dragging you down?

“It’s my party,” you said, taking a step closer. “I don’t care what they think. I want you there.”

He clenched his jaw and looked away. You didn’t get it. This wasn’t just about your daddy or your friends or even you. It’s about the fact that no matter how hard he tried, he was always gonna be that guy they look at sideways like he wasn’t worth a dam.

“Yeah? And what happens when they start askin’ questions?” He asked, voice low, trying to keep the edge out of it. “When they find out we’ve been sneakin’ around for months? You think they’ll just be cool with that? You wanna throw all that away, for me?”

Your face tightened up, hurt showing in your eyes, and damn if that didn’t make his chest twist up inside. He hated seeing you like that.

“I’m just tired of pretending like I’m ashamed of you.”

That one hit hard, harder than he expected.

He dropped his head, rubbing the back of his neck, feeling like he was about to lose it. “M’ not doing this to hurt you,” he muttered, trying to pull himself back together. “I’m doing it ‘cause I care about you.”

He was protecting this.

You shook your head like you didn’t believe him. “No, you’re doing this ‘cause you think you’re protecting me from something that doesn’t even matter. None of this—my parents, the Kook bullshit—none of it matters to me.”

You didn’t curse often, but when you did, he knew you were upset. Rafe let out a frustrated sigh, looking down at his boots, the ones you’d bought him a month ago, kicking at some dirt on the ground. He hated this. Hated how you made it seem so simple. Like you could just snap your fingers, and everything would fall into place.

"Doesn't matter to you," he muttered, shaking his head. "But it matters to them. It matters to the people you gotta see every day. Your parents, your friends... hell, half the damn island. You think they won’t care? That they won’t look at you different if they see you with me?"

You were right there in front of him now, reaching out to touch his arm, but he tensed up, not ready for the comfort. Not when his head was a mess.

“I don’t care what they think. Why do you?"

That question. That damn question. It was always the same one, and he never had a good answer for it. He didn’t care what they thought, not about him.

But you? You deserved better. And even if you didn’t see it that way, he did.

“I care ‘cause you’re... you’re better than all that, alright?" His voice was gruff, trying to keep from saying too much, but it was getting harder. "You got your whole future lined up, you’re set. College, whatever the hell you wanna do. And then there's me, dragging you down with all my bullshit. You deserve—"

“I deserve to make my own choices,” you cut in, stepping even closer, so close now that he could feel the warmth of your skin, hear the frustration under your breath. “And I choose you. I don’t care about any of that other stuff. I want you there tonight. With me.”

The way you said it, it almost made him want to believe it. Almost.

Rafe clenched his jaw, eyes drifting up to meet yours. You really believed it, didn’t you? That this could work. That you two could just show up, be together, and it wouldn’t matter what anyone thought. Part of him wanted to grab onto that same hope, hold it tight, and say “fuck it” to everything else.

But the other part—the part that had seen how the world worked, how Kooks looked down on Pogues like him—knew better.

"Just 'cause you want it, doesn’t makes it real.” He pinched the bridge of his nose, "Like we can just walk in there and no one’s gonna give a shit that you’re standing next to me.”

You crossed your arms now, jaw set in that stubborn way that usually meant you weren’t backing down. “I don’t care anymore, Rafe. I’m tired of living by their rules. This is my life."

He felt a flare of anger burn in his chest. Not at you, but at the situation. At the fact that he couldn’t just be the guy you wanted him to be, the guy who could walk into that party and not feel like he was sticking out like a sore thumb.

“Yeah?” he snapped back, voice rough. “And what about next time, huh? What about the next party or when your dad finds out and says you’re not allowed to see me anymore. What then?”

You stared at him, eyes hard, like you were daring him to say more, but there was something else in your expression, something that made his throat tighten. "You’re just looking for an excuse," you said quietly. "You’re scared."

Maybe you were right. Maybe he was scared.

Scared that if he let himself believe this could work, he’d end up losing you in the end anyway. Scared that the moment you really saw how different your lives were, you’d leave, and he’d be the one standing there, broken.

“Can’t you just drop it?”

“You’re being mean.”

He wasn’t trying to hurt you—not really. But he didn’t know how else to get through your head, how to make you see what he saw.

“So what if I am. Maybe I need to be. You’re not listening to me.”

You didn’t flinch, didn’t back down, and that just pissed him off more. You should be mad. You should hate him for not just going along with this, for making it all so damn hard. But there you were, looking at him like you still believed in him. Like he was worth it. And fuck, that was the hardest part.

Your eyes were glassy, and he could see it—the hurt. The way you blinked fast, your lips pressed tight, like you were holding it all in, it killed him.

“You’re pushing me away,” you said, voice shaky as hell. “And I don’t get it. You’re actin’ like I’d be better off without you.”

He clenched his fists, feeling that familiar burn of frustration flare up. He didn’t want to yell at you.

Hell, he never wanted to make you cry, but you didn’t get it. Part of him wanted to shake you, make you see things the way he saw them. The other part? The part that hurt every time you talked about leaving, about how you had this whole future ahead of you... that part just wanted to pull you in and hold on tight.

He laughed, a sharp, humorless sound. “Yeah? Well, someone needs to. 'Cause you’re blind if you think this ends with us living happily ever after.”

You flinched, like his words had hit you straight in the chest. And then, the tears came, and he couldn’t stop them this time. You wiped at your face, trying to hold it together, but he’d already done the damage.

He was falling apart right in front of you, and he hated that you had to see it. Hated that you were the only person who ever saw him like this.

He hated himself for saying it, but he couldn’t stop now. Couldn’t stop the truth from comin’ out, no matter how much it hurt. “You’re leavin’ in four months, and I’m still here. Still... me. And I’m not draggin’ you down with all my crap. You deserve better than that.”

You reached out, grabbing his arm, and the way you touched him made somethin’ inside him crack. “I don’t want better, Rafe. I want you.”

“Yeah?” He barked out a laugh, bitter and hollow. “And what happens when you’re gone? When you’re off at college, livin’ your life, and I’m still here, stuck in this place? You think this... whatever this is, is gonna last?”

Your voice broke a little when you spoke again. “Why are you doing this?”

“I’m doin’ it ‘cause I care about you,” he said, voice dropping low, rough around the edges. “More than anything. But you... you got a future. You got everythin’ ahead of you. And me? I ain’t got nothin’ but a one-way ticket to nowhere.”

You were cryin’ now, and that damn near killed him. You never cried, not like this. “That’s not true. Why can’t you see that? I’m not leaving you behind.”

Rafe finally looked up, meeting your eyes, and he could see it—could see how much you meant it.

And damn, he wanted to believe it. Wanted to believe that maybe, just maybe, you were right. But he’d been around long enough to know how this world worked, and it never worked out for guys like him.

“I can’t be the one to ruin your life,” he said, stepping back, pulling away from your touch even though it felt like it was tearing him apart to do it. “I won’t.”

“Rafe,” you whispered, voice broken and pleading, but he shook his head.

“Just... let it go,” he muttered, turning his back to you. He couldn’t handle it anymore. Couldn’t handle seeing you hurt, knowing it was his fault. Knowing he was the reason your heart was breaking.

"Fine," you choked out, voice only just holding steady. "If you don’t want me there, then I’ll stop trying.”

You turned on your heel, storming off, but not before he saw your shoulders shake. 

Fuck.

That shit crushed him, but still, he didn’t move.

Just stood there, fists clenched, staring at the ground while you walked away from him. He knew he’d ruin the best thing that ever happened to him, he just didn’t expect it to happen this soon. He wanted to go after you, and say something to make it right, but what was the point? 

He always fucked it up somehow.

He leaned his head back against the shed, staring up at the sky, feeling like an absolute waste of space.

You had everything going for you—family, friends, a future—and what the hell did he have? Nothing but bad luck and a reputation that dragged behind him like a chain. He didn’t even know why you bothered with him sometimes. You were too good, too kind.

And he? He was the definition of a screw-up. Always saying the wrong thing, always ruining the good moments before they even had a chance to get started.

He slid down the wall until he was sitting in the dirt, head in his hands, wishing he could just be different. Wishing he didn’t care so much about what your dad thought or how your friends would whisper when you weren’t around. He wished he could just be the guy you saw, the guy you believed in.

Hours later, the party at your place was in full swing, and he knew you were there, trying to have a good time without him. He hadn’t shown up, of course. Just like he said he wouldn’t. Rafe stayed back, back in that stupid abandoned house, trying to tell himself this was for the best. 

He could hear the distant sound of music coming from your house, the laughter of your Kook friends echoing through the night air. It was the kind of party he never really belonged at—one where everyone showed up in their clean-cut clothes, fresh haircuts, and fancy cars. The kind of life he never had a shot at, not really. And here he was, stuck in the dirt, hands covered in grime, still trying to figure out why the hell you kept fighting for him.

He wasn’t stupid. He knew this was what was supposed to happen. You deserved to be there, with your people, not hanging around with someone like him. You’d be fine without him weighing you down. Hell, you’d probably be better off in the long run. He’d hurt you. He knew it. Saw it clear as day when you walked off, tears in your eyes, but he didn’t go after you. He didn’t know how.

But then his phone buzzed—the phone you had gotten him—and he looked down to see your name flashing on the screen. He stared at it for a second, his gut twisting, then picked up.

“Yeah?”

All he could hear on the other end was you crying. That soft, broken cry made his chest feel like it was caving in.

“Hey, hey,” he said quickly, standing up straighter. “What’s wrong?”

You didn’t answer right away, just kept crying, and that was worse than anything you could’ve said. His heart was pummeling to the ground, and he was already on his feet, ready to head over before you even asked.

“Sweetheart,” he tried again, trying to keep himself from sounding as panicked as he felt. “What happened? Talk to me.”

You sniffled hard, trying to talk through the sobs. “Rafe, I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to—” You couldn’t even finish the sentence, your voice all shaky and broken.

He couldn’t stand to hear you like that, not when he knew it was his fault. He ran a hand through his hair, pacing now, feeling like a total jackass.

“Stop crying, darlin’,” he muttered, voice softer now. “I hate when you cry.”

“I’m just so upset,” you whispered, still trying to catch your breath. “I didn’t want us to fight like that. I just miss you.”

Rafe clenched his jaw, feeling like shit. He could hear the party still going in the background, but all you wanted was him. He knew that, but somehow he’d still managed to mess everything up.

“Where are you?” he asked, already knowing the answer.

“My room,” you muttered, “I couldn’t stay down there. I feel so stupid.”

His heart twisted, and before he even knew what he was doing, he was throwing on his jacket, heading out.

“I’m coming’ over,” he said, his voice firm.

“What?” you sounded surprised. “Rafe, you don’t have to—”

“I’m coming’,” he interrupted you, his voice low but serious. “Stay there. I’ll be there in a few.”

Twenty minutes later, he was sneaking around the side of your house, ducking behind bushes to avoid being seen. The party was still going, people everywhere, but all he cared about was getting to your window. He knew how to sneak into your room like the back of his hand by now. Too many months of practice.

He climbed through, landing quiet as a mouse, and saw you sitting on the edge of your bed, looking down at your hands. Your eyes were red from crying, and he felt that familiar guilt twisting in his gut.

When you looked up and saw him, you stood fast, like you couldn’t believe he was actually there.

Before he could say anything, you were in his arms, holding onto him tight, like you were scared he might disappear. Rafe held you, his chin resting on top of your head as you pressed into him, your fingers clutching at the back of his jacket like you didn’t want to let go. He knew he'd screwed up. He always did. But when you were there, clutching him like he was the only thing that mattered, it made him question everything he'd told himself.

“I’m sorry,” you whispered, your face buried in his chest, your body shakin’ from the sobs.

Rafe wrapped his arms around you, holding you as close as he could, like he was trying to make up for every shitty thing he’d said. “You don’t gotta apologize, alrigh’?” he muttered, his voice low and rough. “This one’s on me.”

You pulled back just enough to look up at him, tears still in your eyes, and damn if it didn’t make him want to punch himself.

“I don’t care about the party or the people,” you practically whimpered, “I just want you, Rafe.”

He stared down at you, feeling’ that knot in his throat. He didn’t deserve you. He never had. But here you were, saying you wanted him anyway.

“I’m sorry for being a dick,” He exhaled, “I just... I don’t know how to do this right. I’m scared I’m just gonna hurt you.”

You shook your head, your hands resting on his chest. “You don’t have to protect me. I just want you to let me in.”

He swallowed hard. You were all he wanted, but damn if it didn’t scare the hell out of him sometimes.

Still, he wasn’t about to lose you. Not like this.

The warmth of you against him, the way you fit so perfectly into his chest—it made him feel like he might just be okay. Like maybe, for once, things didn’t have to be so damn complicated.

But that didn’t mean the doubts were gone. He pulled back just a little, enough to see your face, brushing a tear away from your cheek with his thumb.

 “You know I’m not good at this, right?” His voice was low, rough, like he was almost ashamed to say it. “I don’t wanna screw things up, but I don’t always know how to… be better.”

You looked up at him, your eyes still watery but soft, full of that same stubborn affection you always had for him. “I don’t need you to be perfect. I just need you to let me in when it gets hard.”

He let out a slow breath, trying to wrap his head around how you could want him—still want him—after all the times he’d messed up. “I’m tryin’, alright?” He ran a hand through his hair, frustrated with himself. “I don’t wanna push you away, but sometimes it feels like that’s the only thing I know how to do.”

You gave him this sad little smile, like you knew exactly what he meant. “I don’t care if you push sometimes,” you conceded, “Just—don’t leave. Don’t make me feel like I’m in this alone.”

That hit him harder than anything.

He realized then, as much as he was scared of dragging you down, you were scared of him disappearing. No matter how fucked up things got, no matter how much he doubted himself or the future, he wasn’t about to let you slip away.

You bit your lip, like you were debating whether or not to say something, and for a second, Rafe felt like he couldn’t breathe.

“I love you, Rafe.”

Those three words hit him harder than anything ever had. Harder than all the fights, the doubts, the shit he carried around like it was glued to his skin. His heart just about stopped in his chest, and he just stared at you like you’d knocked the wind out of him.

“What—what did you just say?” His voice came out hoarse like he didn’t trust what he heard.

“I love you,” you said again, a little more sure this time. You smiled, but your eyes were still searching his, like you were waiting for him to say something back.

Like maybe he wouldn’t.

His head started spinning, like the room had just tilted sideways.

He could feel his pulse hammering in his throat, and suddenly he wasn’t sure if he was about to pass out or just drop to his knees. How the hell were you standing there, looking at him, and saying that?

His mouth opened, but nothing came out. He felt his knees wobble for a second, like his legs were going to give out. Jesus Christ, get it together, he thought, trying to pull in a breath, but it felt like the air got stuck halfway down his throat.

“You love me?” His voice cracked, and he hated how insecure he sounded, how unsure. But it was like his brain couldn’t process those words coming from you.

You nodded, stepping closer, your hand slipping back to his chest, right over his heart. “Yeah. I love you.”

Rafe’s heart was pounding so hard now, he thought it might actually explode. He blinked, then swallowed hard, still trying to make sense of what was happening.

It wasn’t like he didn’t believe you—it was just, how the hell did he deserve that? Deserve you?

“Shit…” He whispered, almost to himself, and suddenly his legs felt weak again. “I... I—fuck, I don’t know what to say.”

You laughed softly, shaking your head. “You don’t have to say anything. I just wanted you to know.”

But he did.

He needed to say something, anything, to let you know what that meant to him. His throat felt tight, like he might choke if he didn’t get it out.

 “I—I love you too.” It came out fast, like he was scared if he didn’t say it quick enough, you might take it back. "I love you, too. So fucking much, I don't even know what to do with it half the time.”

He looked down at you, and for once, he didn’t care if he was being soft or vulnerable or any of that shit that scared him before.

He just wanted you to know how much he needed you, how much you meant to him.

And as soon as the words were out, you smiled, this big, radiant smile that lit up your whole face, and Rafe felt like he might actually faint this time.

His heart was gonna burst wide open. He pulled back a little, still holding onto you, his forehead resting against yours. 

“You don’t know how much I needed to hear that,” he muttered, “I’ve never—no one’s ever...”

You smiled, brushing your thumb over his cheek, and it was so gentle, so full of love, that it almost knocked him off his feet all over again.

“You deserve it,” you reminded him again, “You deserve to be loved.”

There you were, always telling him of what he was deserving of. 

“I love you,” he whispered again, just to make sure you knew. He buried his face in your neck, his arms enveloping you tighter than before.

You loved him. You loved him. And he loved you.

It felt like the confession had lightened up something inside you.

He’d thought about how it would go, the first time you two would be together like that. In his head, it was always this big moment, something special. 

He was rough around the edges, sure, but he wanted to do it right. He wanted it to be perfect for you. He'd even thought about planning something out—candles, a slow build, maybe a weekend when no one was around.

His breath was ragged as he felt you pull him closer, your hands gripping the fabric of his shirt. He’d thought about this moment a thousand times—hell, probably more—but never like this.

Not rushed, not with everyone downstairs, and definitely not with you looking at him like you couldn’t wait any longer. You kissed him like you couldn’t stop, fingers already slipping beneath the fabric, making it hard for him to think straight.

“Sweetheart...” his voice was low with that familiar southern drawl, like he was trying to hold it all together. “You sure ‘bout this? We got a house full of people downstairs.”

You kissed him harder, pulling his shirt over his head, and he nearly lost his mind right then and there. He wanted to slow down, make this moment perfect for you, but the way you were all over him? It made him forget every plan he’d ever had. He let out a shaky breath, his hands settling on your waist, trying to ground himself. 

Jesus, this wasn’t how he’d imagined it.

He wanted to slow down, wanted to make this moment last, but you were already working your hands up his chest, and it was driving him insane.

“I don’t care,” you muttered against his lips, your breath hot and all desperate.

Damn, if you weren’t the most stubborn, determined girl he’d ever met. But he loved that about you. Loved how you always knew exactly what you wanted. And right now? It was clear you wanted him. His hands slid up your back, fingers tracing the curves he’d been dreaming about for months.

Rafe let out a groan, trying his best to keep it together, but you were making it damn near impossible. “I was... I was tryin’ to be romantic for once,” he mumbled as he looked into your eyes, practically begging himself to slow down, to make this right. “Was thinkin’ candles, music... not with your whole damn family downstairs, baby.”

You laughed, breathless, and pulled him even closer, your body against his. “You don’t want me?” There was a hint of challenge in your voice like you didn’t believe him.

His blue eyes went wide. “What? ‘Course I want you,” he said, almost shocked you’d even think that. “‘I’ve always wanted you. You gotta know that.”

You looked up at him and he nearly came on the stop, “Then stop holding back.”

Every last bit of control he had glided right out of his hands. You were there, right in front of him, pulling him into you, like you didn’t care about anything else. All his plans, all his ideas of some perfect first time? Out the damn window.

 “You... you look so damn beautiful. This dress— I can’t get over how good you look in it.”

You giggled, and for a moment, the heat between you two softened into something tender, something that made his chest ache.

He loved that sound. Loved the way it lit up your face, like you had no idea just how much you meant to him.

He kissed you again, slow at first like he was trying to be a gentleman, but the way you kissed him back, so eager, so damn hungry—it broke whatever restraint he had left. His hands gripped your hips, pulling you closer, feeling the soft fabric of your dress against his skin, and it sent a jolt through him, making him lose track of everything but you. The room felt too small, and all he could think about was how long he’d been waiting for this—for you.

His hands trembled as he reached for the hem of your dress, hesitating for a second before pulling it up, revealing the soft skin of your waist. He was trying to stay calm, to keep his mind from racing, but it felt damn near impossible with the way you were looking at him.

You were everything.

He swallowed hard, “I... I wanna take my time with you,” he murmured, like he was scared he’d crack the spell between you if he spoke too loud. His fingers brushed over your skin, gentle, as he lifted your dress the rest of the way, eyes flicking up to yours, searching for any sign that you wanted him to stop.

You didn’t.

If anything, you moved even closer, your breathing coming out in quick, giddy breaths. There was something endearing about it—like neither of you really knew what you were doing, but you both wanted it so badly. You were learning together.

Your dress fell to the floor, and he just stared for a moment, blue eyes all wide, like he couldn’t believe this was happening. “Goddamn..”

His hands hovered over your skin, like he didn’t want to rush, but you were yanking him impossibly closer, urging him on. He began to move again, gliding slowly over your bare skin, every touch reverent, like he was afraid you’d disappear if he wasn’t careful enough.

He kissed you again, deeper this time, his hands still roaming over your body, savoring every inch of you. The soft sighs you made only pushed him further, made him forget everything except how much he wanted to make you feel good, how much he needed this to be good for you.

His was light-headed as he whispered your name, “God, I love you— I don’t think you even know how much.”

“I think I do,” you whispered back, lips brushing his neck. “Show me.”

He reached for the delicate straps of your bra and pulled them down your shoulders, like he was unwrapping the most precious thing in the world.

He paused for a second, looking into your eyes, making sure you were still with him, still wanting this as much as before.

You nodded softly, your lips parted, your breath coming out in shallow gasps. His fingers found the clasp, fumbling slightly, and he cursed under his breath with a rough chuckle, “Sorry, baby… it’s just—damn, I’m mess right now.”

You beamed at him, all the tension melting away, “You’re doing’ just fine,” you whispered, urging him to keep going.

With one final tug, the clasp gave way, and your bra slipped off, falling to the floor. Rafe’s eyes darkened as he took you in, his mouth going dry. He swallowed hard like he couldn’t believe this was real.

His hands moved steadily, fingertips grazing your bare skin as he lowered them to your waist, where the last piece of fabric still clung to your body. He hesitated for just a second, his eyes coming back to yours, silently asking for permission.

 “I want you.”

That was all it took.

He hooked his fingers under the waistband of your underwear, sliding them down, savoring every inch of you as you were revealed to him. He let out a low groan, as he finally saw you—all of you.

He needed to remind himself this was real. That you were his. “Fuck,” His voice was filled with awe. "You’re perfect.”

Your fingers drifted lower, tugging at the waistband of his jeans and you felt noticed how his body tensed under your touch, his muscles rippling as he tried to keep himself calm.

“C’mon,” you purred, just teasing as you pulled at the button, “I think it’s your turn now.”

Rafe’s lips curved into that cocky grin he knew you loved, "You sure ‘bout that, sweetheart?" 

You nodded, small hands already working to unbutton his jeans. He almost let out a prayer, biting his lip as you slipped them down, his body shivering as your fingers brushed against his skin.

His jeans fell to the floor, and you took a step back, admiring him like he was worth all that staring. Rafe stood there in nothing but his boxers, chest heaving with all that uncontrollable love he felt for you.

His eyes were locked on yours, full of that same intense need, but there was something tender in them too, he still couldn’t quite believe you were here, undressing him like this. But you were real, standing there with him and undressing him like you wanted every single piece of him. 

With a soft smile, you reached up, fingers twitching at the waistband of his boxers, your eyes never leaving his. The way you looked at him as you slid them down slowly, revealing every inch of him? He was never letting that go.

Rafe just stood there for a moment, completely bare, his body a little rigid with anticipation, and you felt a shiver run down your spine as you took him in.

"You're perfect too," your eyes roamed over him, taking in the sharp lines of his body, the way he looked at you like you were the only thing that mattered in the world.

When you stepped closer, hands touching his hips now, dragging him towards you, his fingers found your hair, tangling in it as he leaned down to kiss you, slow and deep, pouring everything he couldn’t say into that kiss.

"Jesus," he whispered against your lips, eyes closing as he tried to breath through his excitement, "You're drivin' me crazy.”

You just let out soft little laugh that made his stomach flip, your fingers mapping over his jaw, keeping him close. His whole body was buzzing with need, his skin burning wherever you touched him, but there was something else in the way you were looking at him—a kind of trust that he wasn’t sure he deserved but fuck if he wasn’t going to do everything to live up to it.

His hands skimmed back down to your hips, your bare skin against his, and for a second, he couldn’t think straight. Couldn’t breathe right. He buried his face in the crook of your neck, inhaling the familiar scent of you, trying to calm his racing heart.

“You know I’ll take care of you,” he promised, "I want this to be good for you— I’ve always wanted this to be good for you."

You tilted his face down, your lips brushing against his “It already is, Rafe. Just...just be with me."

That was all he needed.

Rafe’s hands touched all over you like he was trying to memorize every part of you, like he couldn’t believe you were letting him have this.

He kissed you, slow but needy, his tongue slipping into your mouth, and the way you responded made his entire body shake. His hands ended up back in your waist, thumb brushing the skin, lifting you just a little and guiding you to the bed, where you both sank into the mattress together.

His weight settled over you, your bodies fitting together in this perfect way that made his head spin. He leaned down, kissing your neck, your collarbone, every inch of skin he could reach.

Your breath came in short gasps, your hands gripping his shoulders as he kissed his way down your body, and Rafe swore he could die.

“You’re everything,” he whispered against your skin, voice hoarse with emotion. "You don't even know... how long I've wanted this. How much I want you."

His fingers moved down, brushing the inside of your thigh. He hesitated for a moment, eyes searching yours, needing that confirmation one more time. You nodded, biting your lip.

His fingers slid between your thighs, slow at first, the warmth of your skin making him shudder. He exhaled sharply, opening you up to him, feeling how ready you were, and it nearly drove him insane. His fingers moved carefully, testing the waters, the softest groan escaping his lips as he found that sensitive spot.

“Fuck, you’re so wet,” he whispered, like he couldn’t believe the way you felt under his touch.

Your breath caught, hips shifting toward him, a soft moan breaking loose as his fingers pressed against you. The sound of your voice, the way your body responded to him—it drove him wild. He wanted to make sure you felt good.

Two of his fingers slipped inside, careful, tentative at first. He watched your face, making sure you were okay, his other hand resting on your hip, steadying you as they curled slightly, finding a rhythm that made your body arch into him.

“Rafe…” you breathed out, your voice wobbly, eyes fluttering shut as the sensation overwhelmed you.

He worked a little faster now, getting even harder as he felt you tighten around him. “Like that, baby?”

You nodded quickly, biting your lip to stifle another moan, your hands latching on his shoulders as your body quivered under his touch. He groaned softly, his lips finding your neck, licking and sucking at the soft skin there as his fingers continued their slow, deliberate movements. 

Your body curved toward him, every nerve ending tingling as his fingers moved deeper, curling just right. He swallowed hard, his lips brushing against your ear, "Is this okay?"

Your heart thumped against your rib cage, every movement of his fingers making you gasp softly. You managed to give him a small nod, barely able to find your voice. "Yeah, Rafe... it's perfect."

His breath came out a little less unrestrained, clearly relieved, and he continued, the pace slow, testing. The uncertainty in his touch was endearing, but you wanted more—you needed more.

“Baby,” you murmured softly, biting your lip as a rush of heat stretched through you, “Maybe… one more?”

He froze for a moment, his voice coming out in a ragged gasp as he looked at you. “Are you sure?”

Your heart swelled at his concern, and you gave him a reassuring smile. "I’m sure. Just take it slow."

Carefully, he pulled back just a little, his fingers slipping out before he added a third finger. His brow furrowed in concentration, his eyes flicking up to yours, watching your face for any sign of discomfort.

The sensation was different, intense, but not too overwhelming. You let out a soft moan, your body adjusting to the new pressure as he filled you more.

“Does it—does it feel good?” Rafe asked, his face inches from yours, vulnerable.

“Yes,” you breathed out, “It feels amazing.”

His lips parted, a nervous smile tugging at the corner of his mouth. He let out a soft laugh, almost as if he couldn’t believe it himself. “I was worried I’d mess it up.”

You shook your head, pulling him closer, your hand twisting in his hair. “You're doing great.”

He exhaled slowly, his body relaxing a little as he found a rhythm again. His fingers moved more confidently now, more certain, his jaw falling slack as he watched you react to him.

“Fuck, you’re so tight,” Rafe muttered, eyes glued to your face. “You feel that? You’re taking me so well.”

You whined at how deep his voice sounded, your body buzzing as his fingers worked in deeper, the pressure mounting with every movement. Your mind filled with nothing but the feeling of him inside you.

“God, yes,” you breathed out, the pleasure building to a point where it felt like you might break apart.

Rafe's pace quickened, as he pressed his fingers harder, deeper, hitting that perfect spot inside you over and over again. 

"Come on, baby," he practically begged you, voice hoarse. Your breath came out in short, shallow gasps as you felt yourself creeping toward the edge, every movement of his hand bringing you closer. His name fell from your lips in a breathless moan as the tension snapped, your body shuddering as the pleasure washed over you.

His eyes widened in awe, his fingers slowing as he watched you like he couldn’t believe what he’d just made happen. He groaned softly, feeling you pulse around him, "You did so good," he murmured, lips brushing against your temple. "So perfect."

You felt a shiver run down your entire being as his hands glided up your thighs, spreading them gently as he settled himself between them. He was shaking a little, and you could see the hesitation in his eyes—the nervousness that came with doing something for the first time, not wanting to mess it up.

But when he leaned down, kissing you slow and deep, all the apprehend melted away. He couldn’t help but take in every detail—the way your lips parted as you breathed him in. He felt like he was drowning, but in the best way possible.

“I don’t think I can wait any longer.”

You looked up at him, your own breath uneven, eyes wide and the way you saw through him—it was like you were giving him the world. His hand was still shaking slightly as he reached down, lining himself up with you, taking his time, not rushing even though every fiber of his being screamed to.

"I wanna make this good for you," he murmured, his lips brushing your ear. "I don’t wanna hurt you." 

There was a hesitation, a vulnerability that he only showed in moments like this. His focus was entirely on you, on making sure you felt nothing but pleasure. You gave him a small, reassuring nod, your hand finding his, fingers slipping through his, squeezing. "I trust you.”

He exhaled slowly, nodding to himself as he eased into you, inch by inch, watching your face the entire time, making sure you were still doing okay.

The sensation overwhelmed him, the warmth of your body, the way you welcomed him so completely. He groaned, low and deep, knowing he could do this for the rest of his life. You were so fucking warm.

"Fuckkk," he moaned, "You feel so fuckin' good, darlin'."

His eyes fluttered shut for a moment, his forehead pressing against yours as he sank deeper, the feeling of being inside you nearly sending him over the edge. He wanted to take it slow, to savor every moment, but the way you clenched around him, the way you whispered his name like it was the only word you knew—it made it impossible.

Your eyes fluttered closed, lashes brushing against flushed cheeks, lips parting in a soft gasp that made his heart skip a beat. His hips moved on instinct, slow at first, testing, his breath coming out in shallow pants as he tried to hold back. "Tell me if it’s too much," he managed to say, his voice strained.

“It’s p-perfect.”

His hips snapped forward, the movement more sure, more confident as he lost himself in the moment. A low groan escaping his lips as he buried himself deeper, his hands gripping your hips as he moved faster, harder, the need to be closer to you taking over.

You mewled pathetically at this point, nails digging into every bit of skin you could get your hands on, body arching beneath him as he hit that perfect spot over and over again. It wasn’t fair that he was a natural.

The way you responded to him, the sounds you made—it had to be the best day of his life.

“Touch me.”

He cupped your tit, thumb brushing over the hardened peak with a gentle touch that contrasted the desperate way his hips moved against you.

His eyes never left your face, watching every flicker of emotion as his hands explored you. "Like this?" he murmured, his thumb circling again as his hips moved deeper. The way your body reacted—sucking him in like a goddamn vice—it nearly undid him.

“Mmhp—Fuck. J—Just like that.”

He leaned down, like a man possessed, lips brushing the soft skin of your tit, his warm breath ghosting over your sensitive skin, sending a shiver up your spine. His mouth found the hardened peak, lips wrapping around it with a low groan, and his tongue flicked over it slowly, teasingly. You gasped, your hands entangling in his hair, holding him there as he sucked harder, his teeth grazing just enough to make you whimper.

He hummed in satisfaction, feeling the way your body responded to him. His tongue circled slowly, drawing out every sound you made, savoring each gasp, each moan as he lavished attention on your body. 

“Fuck, baby,” he muttered, voice muffled against your skin as he switched to the other breast, giving it the same attention, his lips trailing over your heated flesh. “You taste so good.”

You couldn’t help the way your body responded, pressing up against him, your hips rolling to meet his. The dual sensation of his mouth on you and the deep, steady thrusts left you tingling all over, beneath him, completely dazed by the pleasure he was giving you.

“Rafe—" you huffed, the word barely more than a breath as your grip tightened in his hair, pulling him closer. His mouth latched on harder, sucking with a fervor that left you breathless.

He pulled back just slightly, lips wet and swollen as he looked up at you,“I could do this all night,” he whispered, “You like that, baby? You like how I’m making you feel?”

He didn’t know where these surges of confidence kept coming from, but he never felt so relieved. It felt like his body knew exactly what to do when it came to yours.

His hand skidded between your legs once more, fingers finding your swollen, sensitive clit, rubbing slow, deliberate circles that matched the rhythm of his hips and mouth. You could barely think straight, couldn’t form a coherent thought.

When his lips finally crashed back into yours, the taste of him overpowered every sense as his hands pulled your hips tighter. His kiss was messy, all spit and need, like he couldn’t get enough of you—like he needed to feel you, taste you, breathe you in all at once. His tongue slid past your parted lips, slow and teasing at first, then deeper, as if he was trying to consume you whole.

He groaned into the kiss, his teeth grazing your bottom lip before tugging on it softly, then harder as he swallowed the sound of your whines.

When he broke the kiss, it was only to press wet, fevered kisses down your jawline, to your neck, leaving a trail of spit and heat in his wake.

“I love you,” he muttered against your skin, his lips latching onto your collarbone, sucking on the sensitive spot just below your ear, biting gently, “So fuckin’ much.”

“I love you,” You breathed out between kisses, his hands gripping the flesh of your ass and pulling you flush against him, the hard line of his body pressing against yours in a way that made you gasp, “Never g-gonna s-stop,” you whispered back, the taste of him lingering on your tongue as he kissed you harder, rougher, swallowing every sound you made.

"Fuck, I’m close," he gasped, his forehead resting against yours as he fought to hold back, to make this last, but you could feel him losing control, feel the tension coiling tight in his body. His hips moved with a relentless, desperate need, his breath broken and uneven.

“Rafe—” you nearly cried, your body shaking beneath him. Every thrust, every touch, every breath was pushing you closer to the edge, and you knew you weren’t going to last much longer.

“Let go for me, baby,” he encouraged you, two fingers still rubbing teasing circles over your sensitive clit, “Come for me.”

Your body tightened around him as you came undone with a cry of his name. Rafe groaned as he felt you clench around him, fluttering so perfectly.

His release was not far behind as he thrust into you one last time, before pulling out with a strangled moan, his body shuddering as he came all over your tummy, his head falling to your shoulder.

Rafe stayed there for a while, catching his breath, his body still shaking like a leaf as the tremors of pleasure coursed through him.

Taking his time, he lifted his head, pressing a soft kiss to your forehead, then your cheek, and finally your lips. "I love you," he said it again, as he gazed down at you, his thumb brushing tenderly over your flushed cheek. "So damn much."

You never looked so heartbreakingly beautiful. Like a fucking painting.

You grinned from ear to ear, your heart swelling with affection as you held his face in your hands, pulling him for another kiss. "I love you too," you murmured against his lips, your fingers threading through his hair, "Always."

Rafe’s lips curved into a smile against yours, his arms wrapping around you, holding you close.

And in that moment, nothing else mattered. You were his, and he was yours—completely, utterly, and without question

[d-atalog]

reddit bros are ... truly something else

[bigification]

Tag You're Fat

"Bro, why the fuck are we playing tag, we are grown ass adults." John asked.

"Just go with it man, it'll be fun." Brad pleaded. "It's not just any game of tag, It's called tag you're FAT! The way it works is that one person gets selected randomly to be it. He will eat this." Brad holds up a large pill. "It will turn them into a fatass for a short time, the fatass will then be contagious. Any person he touches will also become a fatass. Everyone hides and the last person to get fattened wins."

"Dude this game seems weird." Graham spoke out.

"C'mon just try it, it'll be fun." Brad pleaded once again.

The group seemed to collectively sigh and agree to play. Brad then pulled up a random number generator on his phone. "Everyone pick a number, I'll be one."

Each man then says a number between one and seven. Brad generated a number. "It's 4, who's 4!"

A couple guys pointed at Graham. "Man this is bullshit, I didn't even want to play this stupid ass game." Graham complained.

"That's too damn bad, take the pill." Brad responded.

Graham grabbed the pill and stared at it for a bit. "This is temporary right?" He asked.

"Ya of course, just take it." Brad said as he pulled up a photo of Graham on his phone, just for comparison for after.

Everyone started to get impatient so Graham finally swallowed the pill. Almost instantly, he began to twitch and grunt. As he twitched, his body began to jiggle more and more. His once flat stomach grew rounder and rounder by the second, riding up his shirt in the process. It kept growing until he had a solid beer gut that sagged over his waist line and love handles that thickened his once slim waist. His defined pecs became soft and plump as they sagged onto his gut and his arms became plump with a thick layer of fat. His pants tightened under the pressure of his growing ass and thick thighs. Finally his face widened as fat filled his cheeks.

Graham stood in silence as he took off his tiny shirt. His friends waited in silence for him to say something.

"Huh huh huh, that felt good!" He said in a dumb voice.

No one could tell if he was being serious, but they figured he was when he kept giggling and playing with the fat on his belly.

"Ok everyone, HIDE!" John yelled as he ran to a hiding spot. No one had time to react, so they just ran. Each of them found a hiding spot as Graham started to slowly hunt them down.

John trembled as he heard the large man stomp towards his hiding spot. He struggled to keep quiet as Graham approached. "Boo!" Graham yelled as he turned the corner. John jumped and proceeded to plead for Graham to not tag him.

"Wait wait! You don't need to tag me. You can just go find someone else." He practically pegged.

"isn't that the point of the game though?" Graham asked as he reached for John's arm. John yelled in fear, but immediately stopped when Graham made contact.

His muscles seemed to tense up, and he started to grunt. John started to grow much faster than Graham did. Within moments his belly had grown so big that he looked pregnant. It grew and grew, almost never ending until it was larger than a beach ball, ripping straight through his shirt. His hands grew to twice their size as he held his massive gut. A thick layer of fat covered the rest of his body, giving thick arms and legs, and large man tits. His ass also grew to the point that it ripped through his pants, leaving him completely naked, though it's not like you could seem much under that hulking gut. Similar to Graham, his face was the last to change. His face rounded out until it looked like a circle and he grew multiple chins under his thick beard.

John sat there for a moment, getting used to the way his body felt. The thick legs that rubbed together and the giant gut that changed his centre of gravity made it hard for him to move around.

"Get up big guy!" Graham pulled John to his feet.

"Shut it pipsqueak, you try movin around with a gut like this." John snapped back.

The two men soon went back to searching for the rest of their friends, shaking the ground as they walked. Dewayne and Miguel hid together nearby and peered around a corner to see Graham and John searching.

"Dude is that John?! He's fucking massive, and he's naked." Miguel whispered.

"Shut up, they're gonna hear us." Dewayne whispered back.

Almost as if on cue, John and Graham turn and start walking toward their hiding spots. They were cornered, so they just curled up and hoped they wouldn't be seen. It did not work. Graham turned the corner, chuckled, and grabbed both men.

Dewayne started to grunt as his body grew. His soft gut spilled out of his black tang top and over his shorts. He grew soft man tits that stretched his shirt to its limit. His body quickly started to say under its own weight as a thick layer of pudge covered his body.

Miguel befell a similar fate soon after. Although the effects didn't seem as bad on him since he was such an athletic person, but that could only help him so much. His six pack rapidly turned into a beer belly larger than his own dad's gut, riding up his tiny gym shirt. His solid pecs swelled into a pair of moobs with nipples that showed through his shirt. The defined arms and legs he worked so hard for softened into pudgy limbs.

The two men emerged from their hiding spots, happy as ever without a thought going through their minds.

It didn't take long for them to find Andrew after that. He was the tallest in the group, making it hard for him to hide. He tried to run but quickly ran into John, knocking him straight on his ass. Unfortunately for him, his arms hit John's belly in the impact. Andrew sat on the floor as his mind cleared and his body started to grow. Within seconds he had a giant hairy belly hanging out of his shirt, only rivaled by John's. His limbs bilmped out and his ass expanded, popping open his belt and threatening to rip his jeans. Finally a thick double chin formed under his beard. Andrew stood up, towering over the rest and crossed his arms. "Well who's gonna find the rest?" He asked in a dumb voice.

Brad trembled as he heard someone approaching his hiding spot. He had no idea who it was, but it sounded like someone massive. He got scared and decided to get up and run from his hiding spot. As he got up, he was met by Andrews thick underbelly.

His forehead impacted Andrews belly, knocking him back. He grunted in pleasure and pain as the transformation began. His body was hit the hardest since John. His once unnoticeable belly soon became impossible to miss, riding up his shirt to his chest and drooping over his waist. His skinny chest exploded with fat, growing larger tits than he had ever seen before, with large sensitive nipples. His previously thin arms became engulfed with fat and his legs thickened until it was basically impossible for him to separate them. His love handles spilled over his waist and his ass fattened until his crack was visible above his pants. He got up once his transformation was complete, struggling to stay up due to his immense weight. He pulled up his shirt and looked down at his hulking gut and man tits, he smiled before following the rest of the men to find the last of their friends.

"Omar, you're the last one you can come out now!" John yelled.

Omar appeared from behind a couch and stood in shock at the sight of his friends. Each one of them bursting out of their clothes and sagging with fat, John had even ripped out of his clothes. Omar started to laugh hysterically, pointing out how fat his friends were. Once he regained his composure he asked his friends, "so when does this wear off?"

"What do you mean wear off, why would we want it to wear off?" John responded.

"No no, you said it would wear off." Omar's expression quickly changed.

"What do you say boys, this guy is lookin a bit too skinny for our standards, how about we change that." John asked the rest of the boys.

Omar backed away, but quickly became cornered by the horde of large men. It didn't take long for one of them to grab his arm. He froze in place and started to grunt as his body began to change. He tried to resist, but there was no point. His gut burst out of his shirt, popping off the buttons in the process. His pecs grew into thick moobs, and he grew multiple chins under his light stubble. His ass fattened until it ripped through his jeans, and his thighs ripped what was left of them, leaving him naked from the waist down. His arms fattened up as he held his gut.

"Now for the best part about the game." John started as he approached Omar. "It has made up who we were meant to be, it made us hot." John gets really close to Omar, pressing both their bellies together. "Now we can do whatever we want with each other." John grabbed Omar's dick as he spoke, making him moan.

With all the tension built up over the game, it didn't take long for all of them to rip off their tiny clothes. Nothing in their heads other than sex and food.

[pedrospatch]

to hell and back l two

Post Outbreak! Joel Miller x Female Reader

series masterlist l main masterlist l next chapter

summary: After escaping a group of brutal slavers, you are left with permanent physical and emotional scars. Unwilling to put your trust in another human being ever again, you spend a year fighting for survival alone in the post outbreak world. But when you choose to save the life of a man named Joel Miller, the wall that you’ve built to protect yourself slowly begins to crumble.

warnings/tags: 18+ ONLY, MINORS DNI. canon violence, canon language, reader has a flashback, mentions of slavers, implied threat of assault, guns, reader gets groped, reader has a panic attack, a lot of angst, trauma. soft Joel, protective Joel, and i even threw in some domestic Joel because just imagine that old man making you a nice lil late night snack. 🥹 i think i got most of the major warnings out of the way, i’m sorry if i missed anything!

Word Count: 8.7k

Smoke was coming off my jacket

and you didn’t seem to mind

I left a long trail of ashes and

you said, I like your style

California l Spring, 2023

Your hand trembled slightly as you gripped your pistol and aimed it at his chest.

You’d never pointed your gun at another human being before. At least not one that was still alive.

“Hey now, it’s alright. You can trust us.”

Anxiously, you glimpsed from the man who had just spoken to the woman who stood beside him.

Surely the two had to be related. Both possessed the same fiery red hair, a face full of freckles, and vivid green eyes. They stood before you with their weapons lowered in an attempt to show you that they weren’t a threat to your safety. 

The man, who had to be in his mid to late thirties, moved to step forward, but halted in his tracks when he caught sight of the way your finger had twitched over the trigger. “My name is Mark,” he said, carefully gesturing to himself with his free hand. In his opposite hand, he clutched his rifle, an assault style weapon that made your gun look like a fucking toy in comparison. Still, it was you who had the upper hand, at least for now. “This here is my sister. Her name is Jessa.” He paused and when you said nothing, he asked, “Can you tell us your name?”

Chewing your bottom lip, you shook your head at him in response. 

You didn’t trust them.

Not quite yet.

Jessa, who was younger and looked to be closer to your own age, offered you a kind smile. “That’s alright. You don’t have to tell us your name until you feel comfortable.” She took a look around at the small, makeshift camp that you had made for yourself. “Are you all by yourself, sweets?”

You quickly wracked your brain. 

“No,” You fibbed. “I’m with my father. He should be back any minute now. He’s armed and he does not take all too kindly to strangers, so you’d best be on your way before he sees you.” You added in a steadier tone, “He won’t even think twice. He’ll just kill you on the spot, so you better leave right now. Or else.”

Amused, Mark let out a soft chuckle. “Oh, come on now, dollface. You don’t have to lie to us,” he stated, shaking his head. “Let’s try this again and let’s be honest this time, alright? How long have you been alone?”

Your throat bobbed as you swallowed harshly. 

Fuck.

He had seen right through the bullshit threat. 

“For about three or four days now,” You admitted, your shoulders sagging in defeat. “I was with my father and my sister. The three of us were on our way up north. We were trying to get to Seattle to the quarantine zone, but then they were—”

You suddenly stopped.

It felt like someone had driven their fist right into your gut, knocking all the wind out of your lungs and hindering your ability to speak.

You couldn’t even say it out loud.

Gruesome images of them being torn apart limb from limb flashed through your mind. Bile slowly started climbing its way up your throat and your stomach churned violently.

You were going to be sick.

“Are they both dead?” Mark questioned you.

You nodded, whispering shakily, “Yes.”

Jessa frowned. “I’m so sorry for your loss, honey. If it’s any consolation, me and Mark know exactly how it feels. We lost our entire family about three years ago. It’s the hardest thing we’ve ever been through.” Swinging back her own rifle behind her, she approached you and reached out, placing her hand over yours—the one that was still clutching your weapon. She didn’t even so much as flinch at the way the barrel was now pointed at her, how it was just an inch or two away from her chest. It didn’t seem to faze her that all it would take was you bringing your index finger down a bit harder on the trigger and she would be dead. “We know you must be fucking terrified, but it’s okay. You can trust us. We’re good, honest people and we just want to help you. But we can’t do that if you try and kill us, now can we?”

Slowly, Jessa guided you to lower your gun. She then looked over her shoulder, exchanging a look with her brother, as if asking him to back her up.

“Yeah. She’s right. We just want to help you,” he repeated after her. “We aren’t going to hurt you. If we wanted to, we probably would have by now, don’t you think so?”

You let out a tiny breath you hadn’t even realized you’d been holding and loosened your iron grip on your pistol.

He did make a fair point.

Now that your gun was pointed at the ground, he could have easily killed you. And yet, he’d made no move to blow your fucking head off. 

Maybe they really were good people.

But what if they weren’t?

What if it was just a trap?

You didn’t know what to fucking think.

All you knew was that you were so helplessly lost now that your family was gone.

You were afraid.

Alone.

Jessa turned back to you. “Listen, we’re part of a settlement,” she informed you. “It’s not all too far from here, maybe six or seven miles tops. We’ve got a really big group of people and we’re always looking to bring in anyone in need. Come with us, sweets. There’s plenty of food, water, and we can you into some fresh, clean clothes too. How does that sound?” 

You momentarily hesitated, still unsure whether or not you could trust the two strangers. 

How did it sound?

It sounded too fucking good to be true.

“It’s a safe place,” Mark assured you from behind her. He could see the reluctance written all over your face. 

“It’s as safe as safe can be,” Jessa promised. She touched your arm and flashed you another smile, one that was more kind than the first—one that was so comforting it made you feel like you could actually trust her. “So? What do you say? Will you come back with us? Will you let us help you?”

You nervously bit the inside of your cheek.

Scared, starving, and exhausted, their offer for a safe haven was much too tempting to decline.

Besides, how long could you possibly survive out here all on your own?

“Alright,” You finally agreed after a moment. “I’ll come with you.”

“There’s just one condition,” Mark stated, falling into step beside his sister in front of you. “We’re going to need you to hand over your weapon.”

“What?” You stared at him. “Why?”

“Oh, don’t worry. It’s protocol,” he said, waving a hand dismissively at you. “It’s purely for safety reasons. Anyone who comes into our group must surrender their weapons. We want to be sure that we’re bringing in someone who isn’t going to be a threat to our people. We have children, so we just want to be cautious, you know?”

“I guess that does makes sense,” You admitted. 

“You’ll get it back,” Jessa reassured you. “Once you speak to the council and they determine you aren’t a threat, you’ll get your gun back. Okay?”

Left with very little choice, you agreed. “Okay.”

Mark held out his hand for the weapon.

Slowly, you placed your pistol in his open palm.

“Perfect.” Jessa chirped. “Now grab your things and let’s get going. If we hurry up, we can make it back before nightfall.”

Nodding, you turned around to grab your pack. 

The second you turned your back, the barrel of the same gun you’d just handed to Mark poked you between your shoulder blades and you froze, your blood running cold in your veins.

“Hands up, bitch,” Jessa commanded. Her warm and friendly tone had vanished. “And turn around towards me slowly. Now.”

Terrified, you did as you were told and you lifted both of your hands, turning around on the heel of your sneaker to face her.

Her expression, much like her tone, was frigid.

Hostile.

“You’re going to do exactly as I say when I say it.” She held up her rifle, aiming it at you. “And if you don’t, you fucking die. Do you understand?”

“Please,” You choked out. “Don’t—”

“Do you fucking understand?” Jessa repeated in a hiss, her finger hovering over the trigger. When she was met with a small, meek nod, she turned to look at her brother. “Cuff her.”

Mark smirked. He tucked your gun away into the waistband of his jeans and reached into his back pocket, pulling out a pair of rusted handcuffs. He walked around and stood behind you, instructing, “Hands behind your back.” Once he had both of your wrists in one hand, he used the other to slip on the cuffs, tightening them so hard that the old oxidized steel dug painfully into your skin. “She’s a pretty one,” he murmured. As soon as he made certain the cuffs were securely fastened, he put a hand on your ass, groping it roughly. “Oh, you’re going to be popular with the guys, dollface. Kind of makes me want to break you in, right here and right now—give me a few minutes with her, Jess.”

Completely paralyzed with fear, all you could do was stand there in silence as his hands continued to roam your lower body, feeling you up through your jeans. He squeezed at your inner thigh, then brushed up over your zipper.

“Mark! That’s not what she’s for, you idiot,” Jessa reminded him, rolling her eyes. “Now quit fucking around and let’s start heading back to camp.”

She whirled around and started leading the way.

Mark grinned and pressed his mouth to your ear as he whispered in cruel reassurance, “Don’t you worry, now. I’ll get my chance with you—we’re all going to our chance with you.”

He grabbed you by your upper arm and roughly shoved you forward, leading you to what would inevitably be hell on earth.

Joel leans against the tree with his arms crossed over his chest. His dark eyes are fixed intently on you, carefully observing you from where he stands, more so out of concern rather than curiosity. Something isn’t right.

It’s late in the afternoon and the two of you had been about halfway into the six hour trek down south to Jackson when Joel offered to stop for a while, just long enough for the both of you to rest and take a quick breather, find a second wind before finishing the journey—but as he continues watching you, Joel starts to realize that perhaps stopping had done you much more harm than it’s done you good. 

Just a few feet away from where he’s standing and keeping a watchful eye on you, you sit perched on top of a small, flat boulder hugging your knees up to your chest with both hands wrapped tightly around the grip of your pistol. 

You’re in a trance like state, staring straight off into the distance at nothing in particular. Your face is completely blank. Emotionless. It appears that while all the lights are on, nobody is fucking home. 

Squinting against the sunlight, Joel takes a closer look at you. He sees it so clearly, the faraway look in your eyes. 

You are gone. You’ve checked out and completely disconnected from reality. 

He would go as far as saying you’ve disconnected from this fucking planet.

You’re sinking, slowly drowning in some kind of thought or perhaps it was a memory—whatever it is that’s currently preoccupying your mind, it sure as hell isn’t anything good. He has no fucking clue how he’d managed to clock it so easily, so quickly, but Joel had sensed something was wrong the instant you’d drifted off. 

The deeper you go and the further you lose yourself, the harder your hands clutch at your grin, the thin delicate skin on your knuckles stretching taught over the bones. It’s not until Joel notices the way your chest begins to rise and fall rapidly as your breaths quicken, the way you start struggling for air, that he knows it’s time for him to intervene before you worsen and suffocate under the weight of whatever it is that’s sitting so heavily on you. 

Pushing himself away from the tree, Joel begins to approach you, taking extra care so as not to spook you into turning your pistol on him and pulling the trigger in a moment of panic. He lifts both of his hands and holds them out in front of him. Cautiously, Joel makes his way over towards where you’re sitting on the boulder, his footsteps slow and careful. 

“Hey,” he calls out to you, keeping his tone firm, but somehow still gentle as he tries to garner your attention. When you don’t even acknowledge him or his presence, he tries again, speaking a little bit louder. “Hey. S’okay. S’alright. Everythin’ is alright—come on back now.” Joel draws closer and closer to you, taking tiny step after tiny step on the steel toes of his worn, black leather boots. “S’alright, darlin’. I need you to come back to me now, okay? You ain’t where you think you are. You’re alright—”

The sound of a twig snapping underneath his boot startles you. Jumping to your feet, you aim your gun at him with shaking hands and wild, terrified eyes. 

Even as your finger trembles over the trigger, Joel remains calm. “Hey, c’mon. Take it easy. S’okay. You’re alright. Look, it’s me. It’s just me and I ain’t gonna do anythin’ to hurt you,” he swears. He shows you his empty hands, hoping that you would be able to snap out of it and realize that he isn’t a threat. That you aren’t in any kind of danger. But as you hold your weapon, chest heaving as you panic, Joel knows it doesn’t matter that his hands are empty. It doesn’t make a fucking difference. He knows it isn’t him who is standing in front of you.

It’s someone else. Whoever you were seeing standing there in his place, it’s someone who had done god knows what to you. Joel has a gut wrenching hunch it had something to do with the marks he’d seen around your wrists back at the cabin. The mere thought of it is enough to send an unpleasant chill up and down the length of his spine. 

Joel speaks again. “I ain’t gonna hurt you.” He feels the sudden urge to reach out for you, but knowing it would be unwelcome, he resists it. All he can do is try and use his words to bring you back to the present. Back to him. “Breathe. You’re safe. I need you to breathe, can you do that for me? Do you think you can breathe for me, darlin’?”

Somehow, his voice penetrates its way in through the thickness of the white fog that you’d been lost in. You had been stumbling around helplessly in it, desperately searching for a way through. Joel’s heavy, deep Southern drawl permeates the memory, causing the haunting images from that fateful day when your life had taken a sharp turn for the worst to dissolve into nothing. 

“Just breathe. Nice and slow. Inhale through your nose, then out through your mouth. Easy does it.” Joel controls his own breathing, slowing it down to demonstrate. He inhales deeply through his nose and exhales slowly through his mouth. 

You stare at him with wide eyes as you fight to get the rise and fall of your chest to match his. How the hell do you know what to do? 

Joel can practically hear your question ringing in your mind amidst the chaos. “My kid, she gets these awful nightmares sometimes. Wakes up in a panic thinkin’ she’s somewhere else, somewhere she ain’t safe. So my brother’s wife, Maria, well she was kind enough to show me what to do whenever it happens. She taught me a couple different breathin’ techniques that help soothe Ellie and calm her down. Told me it helps if I do them with her,” he explains to you. He can tell that you’re now coming out of the worst of it and that you’re finally starting to get some oxygen back into your lungs. He lowers his hands. Your pistol is still aimed at him, but Joel trusted you enough to know that you wouldn’t pull the trigger and blow his fucking head off. “C’mon, breathe. There we go. That’s it. Easy does it, now. In through your nose and out through your mouth, that’s it. That’s a good girl.” 

It takes you a good minute or two, but your breaths fall into sync with his own and before you know it, the two of you are breathing together in harmony. 

Oh. You’re not in California.

The man standing before you doesn’t have red hair and green eyes. He doesn’t have that twisted smirk on his face. He isn’t putting his hands on you. He’s not hurting you. He’s helping you. 

Swallowing dryly, you lower your weapon. Your gaze meets Joel’s and somehow you find the courage to look him in his eyes for the very first time. Even though you had turned your gun on him, he doesn’t seem to be bothered by it all. He isn’t upset or angry. The look of worry on his face has absolutely nothing to do with the fact that you could have easily killed him just now. It’s as if he’d known for certain that you wouldn’t pull the trigger.

“There we go,” Joel says after another minute passes by. “You see? You’re alright. You’re safe.”

There’s comfort in his words, in his deep brown eyes.

Fuck, there’s comfort in him. 

Still. Your mind refuses to allow you to accept it.

At least, not completely. 

Averting your gaze, you shuffle your weight from one foot to the other and then back again. 

Joel clears his throat lightly. “It’s gettin’ real late,” he murmurs. “We should get a move on. We’ve still got a bit of a way to go and we really don’t wanna get ourselves caught out in the middle of fuckin’ nowhere after dark for too long, y’know?”

You give him a small nod and start to gather up your belongings. You pick up your canteen, which is now almost completely empty after you’d shared your water with him during the first leg of the hike, and shove it into one of the side pockets of your back.

“S’kinda cold,” Joel states. “And it’ll only get colder as nightfall approaches. You, uh—you warm enough in that little denim jacket?”

You shrugged a shoulder at him, not thinking anything much of the question. I’m fine. 

However, as if on cue, a chilly breeze blows its way through Wyoming’s plains, causing you to shiver.

Joel quickly shrugs out of his brown jacket. “You mind if I—?”

You toss him a confused glance. 

Do I mind if you what? 

Joel steps towards you and lifts his arms as if he’s going to put them around you. Flinching, every muscle in your entire body goes rigid and he halts. “S’alright. I’m just gonna give you my jacket, that’s all,” he assures you, his arms frozen midair. He patiently waits for a small nod of approval. Once he has it, he drapes his jacket over your shoulders and then takes several steps back, giving you your space. “Should keep you from freezin’ your ass off out here.”

As he turns around and walks over to where he had set his rifle down, you stand there somewhat stupefied over what he’d just done. Something so simple, and yet you can’t seem to wrap your fucking brain around it. 

Willing yourself to move, you carefully slide both of your arms into the sleeves of his jacket, wrapping it around your body. The scent of him, a mixture of earthy sandalwood and whatever soap he uses to wash his clothes, fills your senses and a strange, but pleasant warmth radiates throughout your chest, gradually spreading itself to the rest of your body from head to toe. 

Ignoring the feeling, you pick up your backpack along with your bow and quiver of arrows, slinging everything over your shoulders. 

Joel slings the strap of his rifle over his shoulder and turns back to you. “Ready to get goin’?”

Pistol in hand, you gesture for him to go ahead and walk in front of you, much like he’d done for the first half of the trip.

He lets out a small sigh. “Alright, I get it. Still don’t fully trust me. Well, we’ll keep workin’ on that, then.”

A couple of hours had gone by. The slanting rays of the setting sun give a warm orange tinge to the skies as late evening begins settling itself in. 

“Y’wanna know somethin’?” Joel asks, breaking the silence between you.

You look up at the back of his head, your eyes fixing themselves on his mop of thick, unkempt salt and pepper waves. Occasionally, as you’d been slowly trudging along behind Joel, you stole glimpses of the way his hair curled at the nape of his neck and brushed against the collar of his henley.

Despite the lack of a response, Joel continues to talk. “Earlier at the cabin, just when I was startin’ to come back around, I heard a woman singin’ to me. At least, it sure seemed like she was singin’ to me. It was a real pretty song too.” He glances over his shoulder at you with curiosity. “Was that you?”

You blink at him, keeping a straight face. 

“Hm, no I s’ppose it wasn’t you,” he answers his own question. He turns his attention back to the path ahead of him. “I reckon that it must have just been some sorta dream I had while I was out cold. But it sounded so vivid, y’ know? It sounded so fuckin’ real. And the strangest part of it all is that I don’t know how it’s even possible for me to dream of a voice like that,” he muses aloud. 

Oh? Unable to help yourself, you move yourself from behind Joel and fall into step beside him. Now it’s you that’s riddled with curiosity. What do you mean by that? 

Joel glances down at you. He grips the leather strap of his rifle and shrugs his shoulders. “Well, to be honest, I don’t think I’ve ever heard a voice quite like that in my whole entire life,” he tells you. He shrugs once more, his arm brushing against yours by accident. Joel half expected you to deck him for it, but much to his surprise, it doesn’t seem like his touch had bothered you. “It was too fuckin’ gorgeous. So beautiful that part of me wonders if it was someone or somethin’ out of this world.” He pauses and peered at you, detecting a slight glimmer of light in your eyes. “Felt like I had a real life angel singin’ to me.”

You feel the corners of your lips threatening to turn upwards into a smile. Turning your face away from him, it takes everything you had in you to force them back down. 

“Well look at that. You’re walkin’ right next to me,” Joel observes after a minute, raising an eyebrow. 

Your head whips back around.

“Must mean that I’m doin’ somethin’ right, huh darlin’?”

You snort and roll your eyes.

I think I liked it better when you weren’t talking.

Still, you remain at his side. 

The rest of the trek is silent.

Night had just fallen by the time that you and Joel finally made it to Jackson. The moment that you set your sights on the massive wooden gate out in the distance, your heart begins to pound, slamming against your ribcage.

The closer the both of you draw to the barrier, the easier it is for you to see the men and women who are standing on a platform on top of the gate, heavily armed as they keep watch—their lights illuminate the perimeter of the settlement and light up the velvet purple sky. 

You stop dead in your tracks. Oh fuck that.

Joel shakes his head. “S’alright. Don’t be scared.”

There’s six people standing on top of that gate armed with fucking assault rifles. And you don’t expect me to be scared? Are you for real?

“Look, things might be a little tense at first when the patrolmen see us,” he admits, raking a hand through his hair. “None of them have any idea that I’m still alive, but as soon as they see that it’s me, they’re gonna stand down. All I need is for you to stay calm and follow my lead, alright?” He nods at the pistol in your hand. “M’also gonna need for you to put your gun away and out of sight.”

You glare at him, your eyes flashing angrily in the darkness.

You said I could have my weapons on me. 

Joel holds up his hand. “I promise that I ain’t gonna let anythin’ bad happen to you, alright? I swear it on my fuckin’ life,” he vows. “You have my word. No one’s gonna hurt you. I won’t let them. Just stay calm and do as I say. Please,” he adds, a hint of desperation lacing his tone. “Y’think you can do that for me?”

Your mind is screaming, begging you to run and run fast. Instead, you find yourself reluctantly tucking your gun into the waistband of your jeans, concealing it just like Joel had asked you to do. 

“Stay behind me,” he instructs, shoving his own rifle behind him. He begins leading the way towards the gate and beckons for you to follow close. 

The second the two of you step out from the darkness and into the light, the sound of firearms cocking breaks through the silence of the night. 

“Stop right there!” A woman’s voice shouts. “Freeze! Or we’ll fucking shoot!”

“Melissa, it’s me!” Joel calls out, holding up his hands. “It’s Joel!”

“What?”

He huffs and yells again, “It’s Joel!”

“Wait a goddamn minute, everyone fucking stand down!” Melissa loudly barks the order at the five other patrol men and women who are standing on either side of her with their firearms aimed and at the ready. “Joel? Joel Miller, is that really you?” She leans her body forward over the gate and squints at him, letting out an incredulous laugh. “Well butter my fucking ass and call me a goddamn biscuit, the man is fucking alive! Quick, open up the gates! Somebody go and get Tommy! Let’s go, fucking move it people!”

Joel drops his hands, sighing in relief.

You, on the other hand, are scared shitless and wonder if it’s too late to make a run for it. 

“Remember,” he says, looking back at you. “Calm. Okay?”

You force a small, tight nod of your head. 

Okay. 

The gate’s doors pull apart and he leads you up to them and through to the other side where you and Joel are met with a frantic crowd of at least two dozen people—the obnoxious, overlapping chatter coupled with the blatant stares you’re receiving cause an overwhelming feeling of anxiousness to wash over you in a massive wave that, if you allow it, is going to drown you right there on the spot. Refusing to make eye contact with anybody, you fix your gaze on Joel, keeping it focused on the broadness of his back as more and more people circle around the both of you, caging you in with nowhere to run. 

“Joel!” Melissa elbows her way through the large crowd, rushing up to him. She grabs him by the arms, giving him a quick once over. “Holy shit! We thought you were fucking dead! I can’t fucking believe it!”

“Where’s Tommy?” Joel asks her.

“At home with Maria. Lisa went to pull him out of bed—where the hell have you been, Joel? It’s been three fucking days!”

Joel purses his lips together tightly. He can feel you inching yourself forward, trying to stand as close to him as possible as more people join the scene. The toes of your boots touch the heels of his, your chest lightly brushing against his back. While Joel doesn’t blame the people of the town for being curious, he isn’t all too fond of the way they’re staring at you—the gestures and the finger pointing, the mutters and the whispers. He doesn’t have to see you to know it’s making you uncomfortable, and his priority is to get you out of there and somewhere where you would feel safe. “Listen, it’s a real long story that I ain’t got time for right this minute. I need Tommy—”

“Miller!”

A loud, booming voice comes from behind Melissa.

It belongs to a tall, bulky blond haired man—his mere presence is intimidating, proven by how it had taken absolutely nothing for the crowd to part and make room for him to pass through. Smirking, he saunters up to Joel and remarks, “I thought you were a fucking goner.”

Joel’s jaw clenches, but he says nothing. 

The tension between the two men could be sliced with a fucking machete.

His blue eyes flit over Joel’s shoulder to you. “Well, well, well. Who is this sweet little lady?”

You step even closer to Joel, pressing yourself against his backside and taking a fistful of his shirt.

“None of your fuckin’ business, that’s who.”

Keith’s smirk widens. “Actually, as head of safety and security for this community, it fucking is my business,” he reminds him. “She infected?”

Joel raises his eyebrows. “Does she look fuckin’ infected to you?”

“You know the commune’s rules, Miller.” Without tearing his eyes away from you, Keith calls over his shoulder, “Bring out one of the hounds! Now!”

Behind him, Joel hears a small gasp.

Hounds?

Joel whirls around. “Hey, s’alright,” he says quickly before you can start to panic. “We have dogs that have been trained to sniff out the cordyceps infection. S’just gonna smell you, that’s all.”

The crowd backs away as a woman with cropped hair brings out a large black dog on a chain leash attached to a brown leather harness. Once it catches sight of you, the unfamiliar newcomer, the animal begins to bark and growl, thrashing around as it tries to lunge towards you. The dog tugs and pulls at his leash so violently that he nearly knocks his handler over. The woman unclips the leash and sets the dog free—it approaches you, snarling and baring its teeth. 

You start to back away, but Joel stops you.

“Relax,” he mutters to you under his breath. He moves to stand beside you and holds out his hand, offering it in an attempt to comfort you and ease the fear. He hadn’t expected you to accept it, so when you place your hand in his and lace your fingers with his own, he’s taken by complete surprise. 

You squeeze his rough, calloused fingers as the dog comes closer towards you. Nervously, you hold your other hand out to it, prompting it to snap at you, its teeth snapping together. Somehow, you muster enough courage to hold your hand steady and the animal growls, but then gives it a sniff. When it doesn’t detect what it’s searching for, the dog happily wags his tail and gives your hand a friendly lick before running back over to its handler who puts the animal back on the leash. 

You breathe out in relief. 

“There,” Joel snaps at Keith. “You satisfied?”

Keith clicks his tongue. “Almost,” he drawls. He walks over to you, another smirk tugging at the corners of his lips. “What’s your name, dollface?”

Your stomach drops at the nickname. Looking down at the dirt, you don’t reply.

“Aw, she’s shy! Well isn’t that just adorable.” Keith lets out a raspy laugh, causing a couple of the onlookers to laugh along with him. “What’s the matter, sweetie pie? Hm? Cat got your tongue?”

Joel drops your hand, his nostrils flaring. “Back off asshole or else—”

Ignoring him, the blond patrolman eyes the weapon hanging on your shoulder. “That’s a really nice bow you’ve got there,” Keith states, cutting off Joel’s threat. “But we do have rules here. Newcomers have to surrender their weapons so they can be stored away securely. We don’t know you and until we can know for sure you won’t be a threat to the people of this town, you’re going to have to surrender that bow along with all other weapons you’re carrying.” Keith lowers his voice as he adds, “And I would advise you not to try and hide anything because I’m going to be the one to pat you down—and I’ll be thorough. I don’t take all too kindly to liars, so keep that in mind.”

“You just threaten her in front of me?” Trying his hardest not to cause a scene with so many people watching the three of you, Joel keeps his voice low and quiet—but the sharp, dangerous edge to his tone can’t be missed. 

“Of course I didn’t,” Keith responds, innocently. “All I was doing was letting her know how we work around here in Jackson. We’ve been operating the town the same way for years now for a good reason. The rules we set in place apply to any and all newcomers, regardless of who they came here with.” He holds out his hands to you. “Surrender all of your weapons to me. Now.”

Shaking your head, you take a step back. This was not what you’d agreed to. This wasn’t the promise that Joel had made you back at the cabin. 

Joel glares at him. “She ain’t surrenderin’ a goddamn thing—”

It’s too late.

Keith steps towards you and goes for the bow. As his hand shoots out to take it from your shoulder, you quickly turn your body and swiftly dodge it. He feels his face burn with red hot anger as several onlookers gasp at your act of rebelliousness. Furious, Keith reaches for you again and grabs you, taking the upper part of your arm in a harsh grip that makes you squeak out in pain. 

You lift your opposite arm and swing a curled fist up towards his face, but he catches your wrist in his other hand before it can connect with his jawline. 

Joel!

You try to say his name, but you fucking can’t. 

Your mouth opens and nothing comes out. For as hard you push and try to force it, you can’t find your voice. Instead, all that falls from your lips is a pathetic, strangled little cry. You yank and pull, struggling as you try to tear yourself out of Keith’s grasp. 

Livid, Joel nearly goes fucking blind with rage. He snatches Keith by the collar of his leather jacket, ripping him away from you. Though he’s still sore as from the fall off of his horse three days ago, he uses every ounce of strength he has left in him to throw him down into the dirt at the feet of a fellow patrolman named Wyatt. “Don’t. Fuckin’. Touch. Her.” He barely manages to bite out the words through gritted teeth. “Ever.”

Wyatt helps him up to his feet. “You alright, man?”

“Get the fuck off me!” Keith snarls, pushing him away. His chest is heaving and his face turns a deep shade of red. Whether it’s because he’s embarrassed or if it’s because he’s angry, no one can quite tell the difference. One thing is for damn sure, he isn’t used to someone going against his authority and everyone watching holds their breath, waiting to see what he’s going to do next. After all, the man going against him happened to be their leader’s brother in law. “What the fuck is your goddamn problem, Miller? It’s protocol—”

“Not today it ain’t.”

Keith approaches him, his hands curled into tight fists at his sides. He stands so close that the two of them are chest to chest, ready to tear each other to shreds. “Do you think just because your fucking brother is second in command, you can just do as you please? Is that it?” He questions, bitterly. “It doesn’t fucking work like that. We have rules set in place for a reason, Joel. We are going to do this by the fucking book whether your little girlfriend here likes it or not, got it?”

Stepping around him, he starts towards you but Joel is quick to block his path. He stands in front of you and squares his shoulders.

He speaks, his voice dangerously low. “You listen and you listen good. If you even so much as think about layin’ another fuckin’ finger on her, I’ll make sure you spend the rest of tonight pickin’ up your teeth off the ground. You understand me?”

“That a threat?”

“It ain’t a threat. It’s a fuckin’ promise.”

Keith pulls his arm back and he’s about ready to take a swing when he’s stopped by the sound of Tommy Miller’s frantic voice. 

“Joel! Where is he—where the fuck is Joel?”

The much younger, raven haired man approaches the scene, shrugging a blue denim jacket over his cotton white t-shirt. The instant that he spots Joel, he runs up to him and throws his arms around his shoulders. “Fuckin’ Christ, I thought I fuckin’ lost you out there! What the hell happened?”

“Where’s Ellie?” Joel demands. “She okay?”

“She’s fast asleep at my place with Maria and the baby. She’s been with us this entire time.”

Joel’s shoulders sag in relief.

Tommy looks around, frowning. “What’s going on? What’s everyone doin’ out here?” He then sees you and raises his eyebrows at his older brother. “Joel? Who’s that?”

“Look, I’ll explain everything, can we just—can we talk in private?”

Although he’s confused, Tommy nods. 

“Of course. C’mon, let’s go back to my place.”

“Well I’ll be damned,” Tommy states as soon as Joel had finished recounting the story—well, what he could remember, anyway. It wasn’t much.

You’re sitting beside Joel across the table from Tommy and Maria in the kitchen of their home. All three of them speak in quiet, hushed voices so as not to wake Ellie and Samuel, Tommy and Maria’s infant son. Maria had offered to go upstairs to pull Ellie out of bed so that she and Joel could reunite, but when Tommy mentioned tonight had been the first night since Joel had gone missing three days ago that she had finally managed to fall asleep, everyone agreed it would be best to wait until the morning. 

“So, she saved your life,” Tommy concludes. His brown eyes, even darker than those of his older brother, flicker over to you once again. You sit there in complete silence, staring at the top of the wooden table, refusing to meet his gaze—or that of his wife. 

Joel nods. “She did, Tommy. I don’t fuckin’ know how, but what I do know is that if it wasn’t for her, then I wouldn’t be sittin’ here at this table right now.”

You shuffle uncomfortably in your chair. Though the couple had been kind to you, it didn’t make it any easier when they stared at you like you had a second head. 

“She saved your life and you don’t even know her name?” Tommy’s in complete disbelief.

“No. She doesn’t talk.”

Maria hums. “I have an idea. Let me find her a notepad or something to write on,” she suggests after a minute. She stands up, wrapping her cotton blue robe around herself, concealing her pajamas as she walks over to the kitchen counter. It takes her a bit of digging around, but in one of her junk drawers, she finds a pen and a small notepad. She makes her way back over to the table and sets the items down in front of you. “Can you write down your name for us?”

You don’t move a single muscle.

“It’s okay, honey. Just write down your name—”

“Best we don’t push her too much,” Joel warns her, holding out his hand to stop her from coming too close into your space.

You glance up at him, your lips parting slightly.

“Don’t worry,” he tells you. “You ain’t gotta tell us anythin’ until you’re good and ready. Alright?”

Tommy clears his throat. “Joel? Can me and you have a quick word in private please?”

Your heart skips an anxious beat.

No, wait! Please don’t leave me.

Less than eight hours ago, you’d been wary of this man, unable to fully trust him. Now, just the mere thought of him leaving your side puts you on edge.

“S’fine, we’re just gonna be out in the hallway,” he assures you. “It’ll only be for a minute or two.”

Realizing you didn’t want to be left alone with her, Maria jabs a thumb over her shoulder towards the gas powered stove. “I’m going to make myself a hot cup of chamomile tea. I can boil water for an extra mug if you’d like some?” she offers, warmly.

You’d turned down food and water already, much too afraid to accept anything from her. However, a warm drink did sound tempting and truth be told, Maria did seem like a nice woman. She’s Joel’s family—maybe it wouldn’t hurt to at the very least try and trust her too. 

Finally, you nod your head.

“Great,” Maria smiles, looking pleased. “I think it’ll do you some good. Chamomile is very soothing. It helps me relax—something that’s hard to do when you have a fussy six month old,” she kids as she whirls around and goes about preparing the tea. 

After making certain that you’ll be fine without him, Joel follows Tommy out into the hallway. 

“Joel, what were you thinkin’ bringing her here?”

“What the hell are you talkin’ about?”

Tommy sighs. “We need to be careful about who we bring into Jackson—”

“Are you fuckin’ kiddin’ me right now? You worried about this girl bein’ a threat?” Joel stares at him in complete shock. “You serious, Tommy?”

“For all we know, she could be a threat. She didn’t want to give up her weapons, Joel! She even took a swing at Keith!” He hisses. “And she did it in front of a fuckin’ crowd!”

“He put his fuckin’ hands on her—”

“She didn’t cooperate, Joel. You know damn good and well what happens when someone isn’t willin’ to cooperate with the rules. It leads to nothin’ but trouble and you know it as well as I do,” Tommy says, crossing his arms over his chest. “Her first impression here wasn’t a good one. And to make matters a whole lot worse, we don’t know anythin’ about her. It’s a risk takin’ her into the community.”

Joel can’t even believe what he’s hearing. 

“So you’d rather I just left her out there alone?”

“Look Joel, we don’t know what she’s capable of,” Tommy reminds him, quietly. “If she’s managed to survive out there all on her own for this fuckin’ long, then who the hell knows what she’s done or what kind of blood is on her hands—you might be thinkin’ that she’s some helpless little victim, but maybe she’s not. Hell, we’ll never know because the girl can’t fuckin’ talk. Or maybe she just won’t talk. Either way, we’re runnin’ a huge risk by takin’ her in without knowin’ who the hell she is or where she came from.”

Joel glares at him. “Listen here, whether she can’t talk or just won’t talk, that doesn’t fuckin’ matter,” he says. He pauses briefly, long enough to take a peek back into the kitchen where you’re still sitting at the table. After she’d finished making the tea, Maria took the two steaming mugs and sat down in the chair beside you. She’s now trying almost desperately to get you to write down your name on the notepad. He immediately notices the way that you’d started wringing your hands together anxiously in your lap and he knows you’re debating in your mind whether or not you should reveal your identity to the stranger. He turns back to his brother with a frown. “She ain’t a helpless victim. She’s a survivor. She saved my fuckin’ life out there, Tommy. If it weren’t for her, I would be dead right now.”

“And where is she gonna stay?”

“With me and Ellie, of course.”

Tommy almost laughs. “Wait. You’re gonna be in charge of her? Someone who won’t fuckin’ talk to you? Whose name you don’t even know? Are you serious?”

Joel doesn’t even think twice about it. “Yeah.”

“Look Joel, I know you can be kind of a fuckin’ dumbass, but you can’t possibly be this goddamn dumb, big brother. Think ‘bout it—”

“I already have thought about it. She’s stayin’ with me.” Joel shrugs. “I know it ain’t gonna be easy, but maybe I can get her to trust me enough to talk to me.”

Tommy raises an eyebrow at him. “You really think she can talk and she’s just choosin’ not to?”

“I think she wants to talk, but she can’t. She’s too scared right now. But if I can get her to really trust me—”

“That girl ain’t gonna fuckin’ trust you, Joel.”

“She trusted me enough to come to Jackson,” he says, fiercely. “That has to mean somethin’, I just know it does.”

Tommy exhales a long and heavy sigh. He already knew just how fucking stubborn his brother could be. There’s no changing Joel’s mind once it was made up. 

Maria steps out into the hallway. “No luck,” she tells them, shaking her head lightly. “I can’t even begin to imagine what she’s been through. If she’s too terrified to even give us her name—”

“It must’ve been somethin’ real bad,” Joel finishes for her. He places his hands on his hips. “I think I might have some idea of what happened to her.”

“What do you mean?” she asks. 

Joel lowers his voice as he briefly tells Tommy and Maria about the scars he’d seen around your wrist. “Like she’s been in handcuffs or somethin’,” he murmurs. “Think it could’ve been FEDRA?”

“Possibly.” Maria thinks it over for a moment. “There’s also a good possibility that she’s been a prisoner in a slave camp.”

Slavers.

Joel’s stomach churns at the thought of it. He’d heard about those kinds of groups, about the cruel and inhumane things they did to their prisoners. 

He fucking hoped that wasn’t it. But something in his gut told him not to be so goddamn naive. 

“Listen, we feel for the girl, Joel. We do,” Tommy admits. “And we’re willin’ to give her some time to adjust, same as we did with you and with Ellie—same as we do with all newcomers. But regardless of what she’s been through, she’s still gonna need to pull her weight around here, just like the rest of us. She’s expected to take on work duty just like everybody else. It’ll be hard findin’ the right job for her if she’s not gonna talk to anyone so the sooner you can get her to break her silence, the better it’ll be,” he advises. He points a finger at his brother. “From this point on, she’s your responsibility.”

“I can handle it, Tommy.”

“For your sake, I really hope you can.”

“Good to know you’ve got faith in me,” Joel makes the sarcastic comment under his breath, but he’s certain Tommy had heard it. “It’s gettin’ pretty late now. She’s exhausted and so am I. M’gonna take her back to my place and get her settled in for the night.”

“What ‘bout Ellie?”

“Best she just stays here with you two tonight. As soon as she’s up in the mornin’, you can bring her on over to mine if that’s alright with you and Maria?”

Tommy nods. “You got it, brother.”

“Besides, I figure it’ll give me a bit of extra time to think of how I’m gonna explain everythin’ to her.” Joel suddenly realizes that he hadn’t given much thought about how he was going to tell Ellie about you—how he was going to explain your condition to her and how you’d be sharing a roof with them from this point on. 

Tommy chuckles. “Yeah, good luck with that one.”

Rolling his eyes, Joel roughly shoves past him and back into the kitchen. 

You hadn’t drank the tea Maria had made you, but you’d wrapped your hands around the ceramic red mug to warm them up. 

“C’mon,” he beckons to you with his hand. “Let’s go. M’gonna take you home now.”

Home. 

The word rinds oddly in your ears.

You stand up from the table.

“Wait.” Maria picks up the notepad and pen, handing them over to you. “Here. Take these with you. Just in case you decide you want to use them.”

Joel pushes through the front door, switching on the lights in the foyer of his home before stepping aside to let you in. He watches as you stand there at the door looking rather apprehensive. “It’s okay, darlin’. S’just me and you here tonight.”

Carefully, you step over the threshold. When was the last time you’d even set foot in an actual house? One with running water and electricity?

You couldn’t remember.

Joel shuts the front door behind you and locks it. “Let’s go upstairs.” He gestures for you to follow him up the cherrywood staircase. “It’s pretty late, so I’ll show you the rest of the house tomorrow in the mornin’,” he promises you over his shoulder. At the top of the staircase, Joel switches on more lights that illuminate a short hallway. He points to a door at the end of it, stating, “That one there at the end, that’s mine. This one here is Ellie’s. We also have a third spare, it’s right across from her.” He nods with his head towards the door of the bedroom he’d been referring to. “Go on. Open it up and check it out for yourself.”

You want me to open the door?

Seeing your expression, Joel chuckles. “Go on. It’s alright. There’s nothin’ bad in there. I promise.”

You momentarily hesitate. Fingers trembling, you reach out and grasp the brass door knob, slowly turning it and pushing the door open. You peek inside and flip the light switch next to the door frame.

You gasp. Holy shit, is this fucking real?

The spare bedroom is fully furnished with light oakwood furniture—a dresser up against one wall, a desk nestled in the corner, and two nightstands on either side of the most comfortable, full sized bed that you’d ever seen. The décor is minimal, but whoever had occupied the space before had a clear adoration for simple, warm, earthy tones. You nearly smile at the shades of mud brown, forest green, and autumn orange. Setting your things down on the hardwood floor, you make your way over to the bed and sit down, planting your hands firmly on either side of you. You relish in the softness of the cream colored duvet comforter. 

“I’m guessin’ you like it.” Joel can’t help but grin a little. “I’ll be right back. I’m gonna go see if I can get you one of my shirts or somethin’ that you can sleep in. Make yourself comfortable.” He spins around on the heel of his boot, disappearing into the hallway. 

Unable to resist, you lay back onto the bed. Your body sinks into it, melting right into the mattress. It feels like a fucking cloud. 

Joel reappears in the room just seconds later. “I can see you took what I said about makin’ yourself comfortable quite literally.” His voice causes you to shoot back up into a sitting position. Joel stands there at the door holding a long sleeved, navy and white flannel shirt in one hand—in the other, he’d been holding a gray hooded sweatshirt and from his arm swings a brown canvas tote bag. “Not too sure what you would prefer to sleep in. I figured you might want somethin’ on the warmer side. Here’s a couple options to choose from. I’ve also got t-shirts if you’d rather sleep in one of those.”

Standing up from the bed, you walk over to him and he holds out the articles of clothing for you to see better. It’s his flannel you gravitate to the most. Taking it from him, you run your fingers over the fabric.

“I can throw your clothes in the washing machine for you first thing tomorrow so they’ll be clean by the time you wake up,” he adds.

You breath out shakily.

A fucking washing machine.

“Overwhelming, ain’t it?”Joel drapes the hooded sweatshirt over a nearby chair, deciding to leave it for you as well. “Trust me, I get it. I felt the same when I first got here with Ellie. It took a lot of time for the both of us to adjust to this new way of life after being out there for so long,” he confesses to you. “The important thing is to take it one step at a time, darlin’. And somethin’ is tellin’ me the next step for you is probably takin’ a nice hot shower?”

Your mouth falls open. A hot shower? Hot?

“You’ll have to share a bathroom with Ellie.” Joel leads you out of the bedroom and to another door adjacent to yours. He shows you the bathroom, telling you which knob in the shower was for hot water and which one was for cold water. “You can use Ellie’s shampoo, m’sure she won’t mind. I’d offer you some of my own, but I don’t think you’ll wanna walk around smellin’ like sandalwood and spice.” Joel hands you the canvas bag he’d had draped over his arm. “Here. Should be pretty much everythin’ you’re gonna need. There’s a bar of soap, a couple clean washcloths, a toothbrush, and a tube of toothpaste. There’s also a razor.” He pauses. “It’s a men’s razor, one of mine I’ve never used, but I reckon it does the job just the same as a woman’s razor.”

Amused, you quirk an eyebrow at him. What the hell are you trying to say? That I need to shave?

“Not that you have to use it,” he adds quickly, his cheeks burning bright red at what you thought he had been insinuating. He shifts awkwardly from boot to boot. “I tossed it in there just in case you’d want to, but you ain’t gotta use it, that’s not what I meant at all—”

Deciding you don’t want to see him squirm, you lift a hand up to stop him and shake your head.

Truth be told, you actually couldn’t fucking wait to shave your legs.

Calm down, cowboy. It’s all good.

Realizing he hadn’t offended you, Joel relaxes. “I’ll let you get to your shower. You take as long as you want, but just try and leave some hot water for me since I’m next,” he chuckles. “As soon as we both get all cleaned up, we can meet downstairs in the kitchen for a quick bite to eat before bed. Deal?”

Deal.

He’s about to leave you to it when you stop him, grabbing his arm. Wait a second, Joel.

Joel’s eyes meet yours. “Yeah?”

Thank you.

Your gratitude might have been silent, but it was there and he knew it. 

Feeling brave, Joel reaches up and places his hand over yours for a moment, his thumb brushing against the softness of your skin. “No need to thank me, sweetheart.” 

Letting his hand drop away from yours, Joel then turns and leaves the bathroom, closing the door behind him to give you your privacy. 

Once you have the hot water running, you kick off your boots and start to peel off your clothes, tossing them into a pile on the floor near the door. Completely naked, you turn your back towards the oval shaped mirror hanging over the bathroom sink, unwilling to take a look at the scars on your body—painful reminders of the cruel punishments you’d endured during your time in captivity. 

You grab the toiletries from the tote bag Joel had given you and set them on the side of the tub. Pulling the yellow floral curtain aside, you step into the shower and position yourself directly underneath the scalding hot water, letting it burn your skin to give you an entirely different kind of pain to think about, even if it was just for a minute until your body adjusted to the temperature of the water and it no longer hurt. 

You begin washing yourself, trying your hardest to keep from crumbling. But you couldn’t. Lump in your throat and a tightness in your chest, tears brim your eyes, ready to fall. 

You’re willing to let them. 

Two years. For almost two fucking years, you had been suppressing your emotions. You’d been in a constant survival mode, there had been no time to feel anything. And now here you were, standing in a fucking shower with all the freedom in the world to just let it all out. 

Silent sobs wrack your body, bringing you down onto your knees. 

Joel’s shower had been a quick one.

You hadn’t left him very much hot water—but he couldn’t even be mad about it.

He pulls on a pair of light gray sweatpants and a black t-shirt. He haphazardly dries off his hair and makes his way downstairs, knowing you would be heading down there any minute now to meet him like you’d agreed. Without much time to make a proper meal for you to eat, Joel goes about the dimly lit kitchen and prepares a couple of cold turkey sandwiches. He’d just plated them and set them on the table when the soft padding of bare feet on the hardwood floor prompts him to look up. 

His breath catches in his throat. You stand there in the doorway wearing nothing but his flannel shirt. The hem of it falls to the middle of your thighs, and it takes everything in him not to think about the fact that you weren’t wearing anything under his shirt. His fucking shirt.

Clearing his throat lightly, he makes sure not to let his gaze wander where it’s not supposed to. “I bet you feel a lot better, don’t you?”

You sigh softly. Oh, you have no fucking idea.

Noticing you’re holding your hands behind your back, Joel shoots you a puzzled look. “What’cha got there?”

You bring your arms forward. Clutched in your hands is the notepad and pen that Maria had given you.

Although he takes it as a sign that you are willing to communicate with him, Joel knows better than to get too far ahead of himself. He’d wait until you were ready to make the first move and he’d follow your lead. “I made you a sandwich to eat,” he tells you, pulling out a chair at the table. “C’mon, come have a seat.”

After you sit down, Joel goes over to the sink and fills two glasses of water, one for you and one for himself. Setting them down on the table, he finally takes a seat across from you—that’s when he notices the redness in your eyes. You’d been crying. Even though he wants to ask you if you’re alright, Joel decides against it for the time being and the two of you eat in comfortable, tranquil silence.

“I can make you another one if you’re still hungry,” Joel offers when you polish off the last couple bites of your sandwich. 

Shaking your head, you place your hands on your belly signaling that you’re full. You’re not, though. You’d eagerly scarf another three of them down if you could, but you were a lot more exhausted than you were hungry and you couldn’t wait to crawl into that bed upstairs and get some sleep.. 

Joel studies you. “You okay, darlin’?”

You shrug. This has just been a lot to process.

“I know it’s gonna be tough for you. It’s like I told you earlier, it’s gonna take some time to adjust to your new life here in Jackson. But I need you to know you ain’t alone anymore. I’m gonna be here to look out for you. And trust me, I know you don’t really need me to.” Joel pauses and shoots you a crooked little grin. “Hell, you took a swing at Keith. You’ve got bigger fuckin’ balls than half of the men in this town. Includin’ myself.”

You let out a huff of amusement from your nose and the corners of your mouth tug into a small smile—you don’t try to force it down. 

Joel blurts the words before he can even think to stop himself. “You’ve got a real nice smile, y’know.”

Biting down on your bottom lip, you move your empty plate off to the side and grab your pen and notepad. You swiftly scribble something onto the blank page, then slide it across the table to Joel. 

He picks it up, an odd sensation fluttering inside his chest when he realizes what you had done.

You’d written down your name for him.

He says it out loud, and then looks up at you.

“That’s a real beautiful name.” Sincerity drips from his tone, going hand in hand with his compliment.

Cheeks burning, you glance down at your hands, which you’d begun wringing together on top of the table. It was out of nervousness, but this kind was different. You couldn’t quite explain it. 

“I know it’s gonna take a whole lot more than a hot shower and a sandwich to get you to trust me. But I swear that I’m gonna do whatever I can to show you that you ain’t got anythin’ to be afraid of. Not with me around. Okay?”

Okay. 

You open your mouth, trying to repeat the word back to him. 

Joel’s eyes widen slightly. You wanted to talk to him—you were actually trying to talk to him. But it was a clear struggle. Something wasn’t letting you find your voice. 

Clamping your mouth shut, you sigh and sink back into your chair. I’m sorry. I can’t.

“It’s okay,” he says, softly. “We’re gonna take this one step at a time. Together.”

[divorcedfiddleford]

You made a post saying “it has been zero days since our last alex hirsch hates ford so much bullshit” and i know it was mostly hyperbole, but you have some really good takes that I would love to be elaborated on in terms of how ford is written

it really wasn't hyperbolic. over the years he's just really shown a lot of hatred towards this one character.

content warning: discussion of abuse

i want to start with this clip from the commentary which i think of as a microcosm for how the writers and especially alex think about ford.

transcript:

rob renzetti: i mean he [mcgucket] should've basically knocked ford out, and... and destroyed the... you know, tied him up, and, destroyed... and... alex hirsch, speaking over him: yeah he should've beat ford with a wrench and taken this thing apart piece by piece! he's the one who understood how to built [sic] it, but...

... so that seems like a pretty violent course of action. shall we unpack that?

ford is a character who's pretty explicitly written as a victim of abuse, and who now has c-ptsd as a direct result of the abuse he experienced. alex hirsch believes that ford deserved everything bad that happened to him, that it's ford's own fault, and that he also deserved worse things to happen to him. this is why, given every narrative chance, alex hirsch has piled more suffering onto ford's plate. the biggest example of this i can think of is in the journal, when he wrote that fiddleford was actively erasing ford's memory (despite this being a massive timeline contradiction which i still refuse to accept). because god forbid ford even have one remotely healthy relationship with somebody. that would be too good for him. ford was manipulated and lied to by bill, but alex repeatedly compares him to icarus, a teenager whose demise was the result of his own ignorance. this comparison is still so fucking offensive to me. the sun did not lie to icarus, did not guarantee icarus all of the happiness and success and sense of belonging which he had been denied all his life, did not actively shut out the voices of those around him who would try to help him.

alex in general has a very strange relationship with abuse. he seems to get really upset when people read his characters as victims of abuse. the strongest instance of this is actually not with ford, it's with pacifica - especially in the nwmm episode commentary. the episode says "pacifica's parents have conditioned her to respond to a bell" and alex says people got "the wrong idea" about it. like. dude. what the fuck. you wrote abuse. even if you didn't mean to, that's what you wrote. you can't say people got "the wrong idea" just because you didn't think about the subtext of what you were writing. anyway, back to ford: i believe this extends to him as well. alex wanted to write a character who's a foil to stan and who was a selfish unlikable victim of his own arrogance. however that's not what he wrote. he somehow seemingly accidentally wrote a really compelling and relatable awesome autistic guy who had to fight for every good thing he he ever had in his life only for it to be taken from him every single time. but alex can't let go of seeing ford as just "the opposite of stan". when he talks about "how someone as smart as ford could fall for bill's tricks", he refuses to realize he wrote a situation in which a man was being psychologically manipulated and tortured.

it goes back further, too. people repeatedly theorized that filbrick was... not a very good father, to say the least. on top of the very explicit and canon fact that he threw one of his children out on the street (seriously, there is no defense for this), people pointed out that stan would flinch at filbrick, that ford seemed upset by things filbrick said but dared not talk back, that filbrick was mad at stan not for hurting his brother, but for "costing the family potential millions". but alex can't have people seeing ford as sympathetic. ford can't have it bad like stan did. ford had to have everything and he lost it all because he sucks so much. so he wrote the graphic novel story where ford is filbrick's favorite child and filbrick also is not even a bad parent you guys he's just stoic. ignore the whole thing in dreamscaperers where stan perpetuates the abuse that filbrick did to him. ignore the fact that ford was shouting at stan and then completely shut up as soon as filbrick entered the room and did not say another word for the rest of the night. ignore all that because i just made up this story where he cries at a present from stan. filbrick loved his boys for sure you guys!!!

i'm not even touching on how alex repeatedly villainizes traits commonly associated with mental illness and neurodivergence. ford's hypervigilance becomes arrogance. his passion for knowledge means he's a know-it-all. his difficulty socializing and making friends means he's a misanthrope. his lingering resentment for the way he was raised means he hates his brother and is the worst human being to ever have lived. i could go on, go even further into how the finale reaffirms this, but i feel weird talking about this too much.

[miss-oranje-disco-dancer]

blue butterflies

pairing: jackson! joel miller x reader

cws/tags: 1st person pov joel, angst, discussions of sex trafficking/sexual assault, death, mild smut, au where nothing bad happens between ellie and joel, author has not played tlou 2 yet (donate to kofi lmao), guns, alcohol consumption, light enemies to lovers, cordyceps works different in this one (more predictable and slower-acting)

summary: joel's letter to reader

a/n: i watched the beginning of tlou (joel playing guitar) and it made me cry so hard. so, this is inspired by that, but also i listened to funeral by arcade fire and for emma, forever ago by bon iver while writing this. neighborhood #4 (7 kettles) by arcade fire makes me cry so hard.

wc: 5.7k

taglist: @gothcsz @harriedandharassed @withonly-sweetheart

thank you to @jennaispunk for beta reading/proofreading !

join my taglist | purchase a commission

divider is from @danowh0re

playlist for fic: required listening!!

I thought therapy was a bunch of bullshit - a scam at worst, a waste of my time at best. But, since you left us, Tommy’s been making me go. He keeps saying, ‘it’s what she would’ve wanted’, and I think it is. But, that doesn’t mean I like it. 

My therapist told me if I’m not gonna talk to her about my past, I should at least talk to someone. I told her I’d talk to you, if you were here. She told me it was a good idea, that I should write it out in a letter. She told me I could write to you, or to Sarah, but I figured I’d better write to you ‘cause there’s some things a daughter shouldn’t hear about her dad. Even - especially - the most fun times he’s had. I’ll get to those later. 

Did you know I hated you when we first met? I never told you, but I think you knew. I thought you were a self-important, entitled bitch who acted like she’d been through hell when I knew she hadn’t because of how well-adjusted she seemed. I thought you had some sort of unearned valor. I know that’s not the right way to put it. I think the word I’m looking for is ‘respect’. Tommy, Maria, even Ellie were so quick to respect you when I had to earn it. 

“The reason people don’t like you is because you’re an asshole,” you told me. “You’re fucking scary when you’re mad, too.”

“What’s that saying? It’s better to be feared than to be loved?”

“That’s what Machiavelli said, but that doesn’t mean he’s right.”

I think he was wrong. I was jealous of how much everyone loved you, and they didn’t love me because they feared me. You were so fucking right, and that was one of the things that I hated most about you. 

I used to think about how young you were in comparison to an old man like me, how you were only a little younger than Sarah would’ve been, and how stupid I would’ve felt if Sarah was always outsmarting me. Until I remembered all the times that Sarah did just that, and how much I loved her for it, rather than in spite of it. (Note to self: tell Sarah this in your letter to her). 

That’s not to say I loved you, not yet. I did love you, but I realized that a little later. I had to learn to like you first. 

Do you remember our first day out on patrol together? I begged Tommy to change my schedule. I would rather have spent my time with anyone else in the community -- Hell, I would’ve asked Tommy to give you a day off if it’d get me out of having to work alongside you. 

You overheard me talking to Tommy, and said to me, “You could at least wait until I’m out of earshot to bitch about me, you know?”

“I know,” I said. 

And we didn’t talk for almost the whole shift. Well, I didn’t talk, but you kept on talking, almost like you were talking to yourself. You didn’t even care that I was ignoring you. 

“It’s okay. I don’t like people either.”

“Who says I don’t like people?”

“Your face, your voice, basically your whole demeanor.”

You were so honest, and you had every right to be. It shut me right back up again. I don’t know if that’s what you wanted. Maybe you thought provoking me would make me talk, but I’m a stubborn, old asshole. I don’t think you need me to tell you that.  

“What did I do to piss you off?” You asked, after I gave you what you viewed as the silent treatment, and what I saw as peace and quiet. 

“Nothing. I just think you’re a little bit... egotistical.”

“So are you. You think you know everything.”

“No, but I know more than you. You haven’t got half the experience I have, and believe me, kid, you don’t want it.”

“You’re so melodramatic. And for what? Has the brooding bad boy behavior gotten you laid yet?”

For your information, yes, it had absolutely gotten me laid.  

But before I could tell you that, you stopped me, looked me dead in the eye, and said, “and by the way, you have no idea what you’re talking about.”

“Tell me, then.”

“Tell you what?”

“About all the horrors you’ve experienced. If I’m so wrong, then prove it.” I challenged you because I thought you wouldn’t be able to come up with anything. I wouldn’t have said that if I’d known what I do now. 

You were so angry that you laughed at me. “Fuck you. You don’t deserve to know shit about me.”

A couple weeks later we knew each other’s whole life stories. I told you more than I’ve ever told anyone else, more than I think I ever will tell anyone else. It started when we got lost in the woods together. We were arguing as usual, and we only got ourselves even more lost. The sun was starting to go down, and I could see it in your eyes - you were getting scared. Maybe, for a second, I took some sort of satisfaction in knowing that you were the one who couldn’t handle it, but I’m still human - it feels a little cruel saying that now - so I wasn’t gonna let you suffer. 

“It’s not gonna do us any good to keep arguing, so can we agree to drop it?”

“Truce,” you said, holding out your hand, and when I shook it, you added, “but let it be known that you surrendered.”

“Don’t push it. You know if we stay out here long enough that we have to resort to eating each other’s flesh, you’re gonna be my dinner, not the other way around.”

“I hope I taste good.” 

You did, baby. You’re the sweetest thing I’ve ever tasted. 

I think we had our first date that night. Sort of. It was late when we got back. Most people were asleep, and the bar was closed, but you had the key. 

“Tommy gave you a spare key?”

“Uh-huh. I assumed you had one too, but I guess I’m the favorite.”

“You’re prettier than me. Of course, you are.” 

I still can’t believe I said that -- I wasn’t even drinking yet. I can be a real idiot when I’m talking to a beautiful woman. 

“Don’t be so hard on yourself. You looked very pretty when you bothered to wash your hair last week.”

“I wash my hair, okay? Sorry I’m old and don’t wake up looking like a supermodel.”

“Who does?”

“I know you want me to say ‘you’, but I’m not taking the bait.”

“That’s okay. I know you’re thinking it, and that’s what matters.”

I was thinking much more than that, darling. 

You walked behind the counter, and asked me, “what do you drink?”, and I think that was the moment I knew I liked you. You could’ve --should’ve -- told me to fuck off. You had other friends (not that we were quite ‘friends’), but you chose me that night. I was a real fixer-upper of a companion, but maybe you liked a challenge. 

“Whiskey. Neat.”

You gave me that look -- that fuckin’ look -- that raised eyebrow and a tiny smirk. And it made me feel like a teenager caught staring at his crush. 

“Please and thank you," I added. 

You got up on the stool behind the bar, grabbed the bottle on the top shelf, and said, “you deserve it.”

“No, I don’t,” I said. “But I’ll take it.”

You sat beside me, and sipped your whiskey. (And you looked pretty hot doing it.) After a good minute of silence you said, “thank you for not killing me and eating me in the woods.”

“I’d get pretty goddamn bored if I didn’t have you yapping in my ear constantly.”

“I thought you hated it.”

“Only sometimes.”

“Then, why don’t you ever talk to me?”

“I’m talking to you right now.”

“Barely.”

So, I turned to you, put my elbow on the counter, laid my head in my hand, and gave you the same face you were giving me. I tried to pretend I was mocking you, but I think you knew I was trying to practice being more likable, being more like you. 

“Tell me something,” you said.

“What do you want me to tell you?”

“Tell me about you.”

“My name is Joel Miller-”

“We’re not at AA.”

“You’re goddamn right we’re not. This would be the shittiest AA meeting ever.”

“Okay, okay. How about you tell me when your birthday is?”

“September 26th, 1981.”

“So, you’re a Libra.”

“Oh c’mon, tell me you’re not into that shit. I was finally starting to tolerate you.”

“I’m a Cancer.”

“Tell me something I don’t know.”

“Cancer like the crab, not like the disease!”

“Mm-hmm. I’m sure you’re familiar with crabs as well.”

I got a laugh and a smack on the arm in return, and the laugh was worth the smack. 

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay. I know you can’t help being an asshole, so at least you’re making me laugh.”

I didn’t realize your hand was still on my arm until you asked me, “What’d you do before this? You’ve got nice arm muscles.”

“I worked in construction, I was a contractor.”

“Like a carpenter?”

“Yeah.”

“That’s what Jesus was. I bet he had good arm muscles.”

“I don’t think that’s his most notable feature, but sure, why not?”

Despite the fact that we were talking all things Jesus, you were feeling me up. And you weren’t subtle about it at all. 

“Do you wanna play darts?” you asked, breaking the tension.

“Okay.”

You walked up to the dartboard all confident, and I expected an instant bullseye. You’d only had one drink and you were focusing so hard, practicing the swing of your arm like a golfer would. The first shot missed the board entirely.

And that’s when I learned you were awful at darts. 

“You’re terrible at this.”

“Yeah, I know.”

“Then, why’d you ask me to play?”

“For fun. Plus, how else am I gonna get better?”

You weren’t even close to the bullseye. You weren’t even hitting the board at all half the time. Over the next couple of years, you got better, not a lot better -- I still won every game we ever played -- but you got closer. But, close only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades, as they say. It probably counts in terms of people too -- I like to think our closeness counted for something, even if it couldn't last forever.

“You’re lucky you’re pretty," I said.

“You’re lucky you’re good at darts," you fired back.

“Is that an insult? Because I’m holding a sharp object and I’ve got good aim.” And with that, I threw the final dart, hit the bullseye, and won. “What do I get?”

“For what?”

“Winning.”

“You get to keep your pride.”

I was happy with that, but you turned back to me, stepped closer and whispered, “and this,” before you kissed me. 

I don’t know which one of us was more nervous. All I knew was that I liked you a lot more when you were quiet. All I heard from you was a little gasp when I lifted you onto the counter so I could keep kissing you without having to lean down and hurt my back ‘cause I’m an old man. I really thought my brooding bad boy look was gonna get me laid again that night, but you stopped me before I could get your top off. 

“Uh-uh,” you said. “You’re gonna have to do more than beat me at darts if you want more than a kiss.”

“Fair enough. What’s your price?”

“I’m not a hooker.”

I didn’t understand why you looked so upset until that day by the water when you told me. I’m sorry I said that, I really am.

“Sorry. What I should’ve said is, ‘Can I take you to dinner on Friday?’”

You gave me a nonchalant ‘sure’, and I assumed you’d keep it hush-hush, but you bragged about getting asked out. Why would you brag about me? That's something I still don't understand.

The next day, I went and asked Tommy for advice because I hadn’t dated in a long time, and he’s more of the romantic type. I thought our dinner date would be news to him, but you’d already told him. 

“Yeah, I know. She came in here asking for advice too actually.” 

He’s got a bigger mouth than you do. That’s why you two got along so well -- you were like those little old ladies gossiping at the hair salon. 

“What’d she say?”

“I’m sworn to secrecy.”

But Tommy always had a certain loyalty to you. He keeps your secrets to this day -- some of ‘em. 

“Give me some advice, please.”

“You were married once. You won a woman’s heart. Just do what you did back then.”

“I think you’re forgetting the fact that my marriage ended in divorce.”

“Just be yourself.”

“That’s bullshit.”

“Yeah, it is. How about smiling for once?”

I tried, but I’d almost forgotten how to over the years. 

Tommy feigned disgust and said, “I take it back. Keep your usual pissed-off look.”

You taught me how to smile again. I don’t know that you meant to do it, but you did. Tommy says he knows when I’m thinking about you because of the way I smile. 

When I came over to pick you up for dinner, you opened the door wearing a bathrobe with your hair in curlers. I guess I was looking at you funny because you made sure to tell me, “Don’t worry, I’m not wearing this out. Go sit in the living room.”

“I’m not worried. You look beautiful already.”

“I do not. I look like my grandmother.”

“I imagine she must’ve been a hot commodity then.”

“She was actually -- or at least, that’s the story she used to tell us. She was Prom Queen and all that jazz.”

You could talk for hours, about anything. I could say one word and you could give me a tangentially related 20 minute long monologue. You were a good storyteller. I don’t think I ever told you this, but I used to think about how you’d be great at making up stories for our kids one day -- if we ever had them. I know I told you I didn’t want to have any, but that’s one of the few lies I told you. I was too scared to imagine that kind of a future with you. 

I had you in the present, and that’s what I cared about. I don’t remember what you wore that night because I spent most of our date looking at your face, trying to memorize every dimple, freckle or scar I could see. All the details.

I’m sure your dress fit perfectly, but what I cared about was how your hand felt when I took it in mine as we walked to the restaurant -- it felt right, more so with our fingers intertwined on the way home. 

It was one of the longest dinner dates in my not-so-long history of dating as it took you quite a while to finish your meal because you don’t talk with your mouth full (usually). I think our waitress was mad that we were there for so long. They were cleaning up by the time you were done eating. 

I don’t remember all the things you said. Even if I did, I don’t have enough paper to write it all down. But I do remember when you asked me, “Can I tell you a secret?” 

“Sure.” 

“This is my first date.”

I would’ve been less surprised if you’d told me you’d killed someone.

“Mine too,” I said. 

“Liar! Tommy said you were married... before all of this.”

“Does Tommy tell you everything about me?”

“No. He wouldn’t tell me when your birthday was. That’s why I asked you.”

“That’s ‘cause he forgot it.”

Really, I wanted to know if he told you about Sarah, or if I’d have to do it myself. Both. As it turned out, he told you before we ever really met. I told you by the river, but that came later. 

When I walked you home, we lingered by your door, and when I leaned in to kiss you goodnight, you turned your head, and I should’ve realized how special you were to me ‘cause I felt my heart sink. But, you asked me to come inside. You were always shy about kissing in public, but not on your living room couch. 

When we were inside, you let me take off your dress, but only after I agreed to take off my shirt. 

“Jesus,” you said when you watched me undress. 

“We talked enough about Jesus last time. It’s about you and me now, baby.”

I learned to be a gentleman growing up in Texas, that wining and dining a lady includes putting her first in the bedroom too. But you called the shots -- that night and all of the others we had together. You got down on your knees and gave me the most irresistible face. It was embarrassing how quickly I came. It’s still embarrassing, and you’re not even here to tease me about it anymore. I thought I’d get the chance to prove myself to you that night, but you stopped me. I remembered what you said, ‘this is my first date’, and I assumed you were a virgin. 

It was about a week later when I was trying to teach you how to skip rocks in the river that I asked you if you were one. 

“It’s not a big deal if you are -- not to me, I mean. I just figured maybe because you said that was your first date.”

“It’s kind of a long story, so take a seat if you want the answer.”

I don’t know what I expected you to say, but I already felt like I’d fucked up by asking. I didn’t want to make this mess I’d gotten myself into worse than it already was, so I sat next to you and waited for you to speak. 

“It’s not actually a long story, I guess. Just a sad one.”

It was the first sad story you told me, and you told me more stories than I’d ever been told by anyone else at this point. It was impressive how many happy ones you held onto, especially after everything that you told me that day. 

You didn’t look at me while you spoke. You mumbled and picked at the grass beneath you. Like a child. 

“I’m not a virgin, but I wasn’t lying when I said that was my first date. There’s just some stuff that you don’t know about me... ‘cause I didn’t want you to know these things about me. But it’s not like I was ever gonna get away with not telling you. It’s better that it happens now anyway.”

You started to cry, so I put my hand on your shoulder, but you shrugged it off. I was so used to the one doing the pushing away that being pushed away was jarring. 

“Before I came to Jackson, I used to do things for money. Those sorts of things. It’s not like I wanted to, ‘cause I’m not like that, you know.”

You explained how you’d lost both your parents by the time you were 16 and didn’t have any siblings, so you ended up with whatever friends you could find. Some of the few good people that were left. 

“There was a group of men who killed my friends just to loot their pockets, but they realized that it’d be more profitable to keep me alive.”

“So they forced you to...”

“Have sex for supplies, yeah. One of them was my first time, I guess. They did that stuff for a while, but once I’d been with a decent amount of men, they decided I was too ‘used up’ or something to be worth having sex with. I can’t decide if that made me feel better or worse. On the one hand, I didn’t have to have sex with them anymore, but I was also too gross to be wanted.”

“’Used up’ is bullshit. Back when the world was a little more civilized, those bastards could’ve gone to jail.”

“They’re dead.”

“Did you kill ‘em?”

“No, but I thought about it all the time. I remember thinking about strangling a man once. He was alone, so no one would’ve seen me do it, and the guys could’ve taken all of his shit too. They probably would’ve been happy if I had. I think that’s why I didn’t.”

“If you didn’t kill them, then how did they die?”

It probably wasn’t appropriate for me to pry, but the sadistic part of me needed to know that they got what was coming for them. I needed to know there was some justice left in this world. 

“They wanted food from some guy who’d gone hunting and they tried to sell me to him, but he said ‘no’. He looked so offended that I thought I was pissed off ‘cause they’d given him a bad deal... but he shot the one standing in front of him. Then, he yelled at me to turn around and I was sure I was gonna die, but I heard him walk into the other room, another shot, and when the third walked in from outside, another shot. He walked over to me, and I started crying and begging him not to kill me. He told me he wasn’t going to, but he made me close my eyes while he led me out of the house.”

“’Cause he didn’t want you to see the bodies.”

“Yeah... and I still thought he was going to kill me, even when he took me with him on his horse, and said he was taking me back to some place called ‘Jackson’.” 

I don’t know if I would say you got a happy ending, at least, not the one you deserved, but I saw a hint of a smile when you mentioned Jackson. And you didn’t have to tell me who the man was -- I know him well. 

“Tommy,” I said, confident in my guess.

“Yeah.”

After I dropped you off at home, I went by his place and thanked him. And then I went home and cried. For the first time in a decade.

“You know it doesn’t change how I feel about you, right?”

“How do you feel about me?”

“I like you… most of the time.” 

What I meant was, I love you. I just didn’t know it yet. 

“I guess I owe you a story too, then.”

“You don’t owe me anything... but you can tell me whatever you want.”

I think part of me wanted to tell you, or at least, part of me wanted you to know. “I had a daughter.”

“I know.”

I should’ve known, considering how close you and Tommy were.

“Tommy told you, didn’t he?”

“To be fair to him, he told me he had a niece.”

“Yeah, he did. She’d be a little older than you. It’s crazy to think that she’d be in her 30s when the last time I saw her she was 13.”

“I know saying ‘I’m sorry’ doesn’t really do anything, but I’m still sorry”

“In a way, I’m glad she doesn’t have to see all these things. All the infected. She died before we ever had to go to a QZ.”

When you told me about the first QZ you lived in as a kid, it confirmed that for me. It pained me to hear about you watching your dad get bitten and leaving him behind, saying goodbye without knowing he was dying -- in one way or another. 

You told me later about how the only person you’d ever killed was your own mother, how she used to sell herself like you did, how you missed the first shot and you saw how scared she was to die. I think you had it worse than I did. 

“I think she was mostly scared because she knew I couldn’t do shit with a gun, and that I’d end up surviving the way that she did... and she was right.”

“Neither of you deserved it, and I bet she’d be proud of you now.”

“Why?”

“’Cause I’m proud of you.”

You cried, but you finally let me hold you. You cried so long that I thought you’d never stop. 

Do you remember your last day? I told you I wanted to be with you until the end, but you reminded me about your mother. You told me that even if a shot to the head had to be the way you went out, I wasn’t going to be there to give it to you. We had two choices: either wait until that day came or let you go before then. I said I wanted to go with you. I wanted to ask Tommy to give me the same cocktail he was gonna cook up for you. You said no. It was your last wish that I stayed. 

“I don’t wanna live without you.”

“I don’t wanna die, but I don’t get to choose. If I could live longer, I would. But just because I’m dying doesn’t mean you get to leave everyone else behind.”

Yeah, you brought Ellie into it. I wanted to tell you not to bring her up. I’m glad you did because as much as it hurt to think about her watching me die the way that I watched you die, it made me stay. I’m glad I stayed. Things are okay, but our last day is still my favorite day. 

We got up early and watched the sunrise, and I told you I loved you for the first time.

“I know,” you said with a smile on your face. 

“How?” 

You just lifted your coffee cup. When you moved in -- something I didn’t realize was happening ‘till it had already happened -- I started making coffee every morning before you woke up, and I started buying that French Vanilla bullshit creamer. I hated it. It was so sweet it made me nauseous. I could’ve gone and bought my own, but I’m still stubborn, I’m still a cheapskate, I’m still me -- even without you (which is something I thought I’d never be able to say). But that wasn’t why I started taking my coffee the same way you took yours.

It was one day when you’d already left for work but my shift didn’t start until later. I hadn’t slept at all the night before -- and not for any good reason, not for more time with you -- so I was tired when I woke up. I made myself some coffee, but I wasn’t even thinking straight, so I hadn’t noticed that I had put that creamer in my mug until I tasted it. But I wasn’t disgusted. I thought maybe you’d left yours behind and I’d absent-mindedly picked the wrong one up off the counter -- I very well could’ve gotten caught up in putting the toaster on the right settings (that’s something we could never agree on) -- but when I looked down, it was my mug. Yours was dirty in the sink. You were gone for the day. I was stupid to think otherwise. I was fantasizing. That was new. 

So, just as I am right now, I take my morning coffee like you took yours. It tastes like you, like you kissing me. 

I waited anxiously for you to say you loved me too. 

“Are you not gonna say it back? Do you not-- do you feel the same?”

“What do you think?”

“I hope so.”

You gestured for me to come closer so you could whisper in my ear and I thought maybe you’d give me a wet willy. But you said, “Joel Miller, I have loved you for a long time.”

I didn’t say anything. I don’t think I’ve ever been very good with words -- talking was your thing. I grabbed your hand and squeezed. We went out onto the porch and sat in silence. I wonder what you were thinking about. 

“Will you sing me something?”

You know I don’t take requests, and you know I don’t like an audience, no matter how small that audience is. 

No one would refuse the wish of a dying woman, but I couldn’t refuse you even if I knew you’d be there tomorrow and every day after. I only protest because you look cute when you beg. Not in that way -- you look hot when you beg like that. 

“What song do you want?”

“Surprise me.”

I sang Peaceful Easy Feeling because, as much as a part of me felt a sense of urgency, knowing our time was running out, most of me was just thinking about you, and I love you. Simple as that. 

You gave me a standing ovation just to see me blush. 

We all planned something special for your last dinner. I know you like simple things, so I tried to make it as simple as I could while still making it special for you. Maybe it was selfish to make it a night to remember when I’m the one who gets to remember it. 

Tommy and Maria were chef and sous-chef (you can guess who was who in that scenario), and Ellie was the waitress. 

“What are your specials tonight?” you asked. 

“We have either the steak and baked potato or the steak without the baked potato.”

“In that case, I’d like it with the baked potato.”

We probably lit a hundred candles to fill the room with enough light to see each other -- we had time while you were getting ready, since you’re a bit of a slowpoke. We picked flowers from the garden and put them in an empty wine bottle because we couldn’t find a vase, and conjured up a decent tablecloth. We had ice cream sundaes for dessert -- or at least, you did. You know what I had for dessert. 

“How about you, sir, would you like anything for dessert?” Ellie asked. 

“No, I think I’ll be having dessert when we get home.” I tried to subtly wink at you. 

“Ew! That’s disgusting. I don’t wanna hear about your sex life.”

“You’re the one assuming I was talking about sex. How do you know I don’t have a tub of ice cream waiting for me in the freezer at home?”

There was ice cream in the freezer, but the sweetest thing I’d ever tasted was between your legs. The moment we got home I picked you up bridal style and carried you up to our bedroom. 

“Baby, I know how long you spent getting ready, and I’m sorry to do this to you, but this needs to come off,” I said before I yanked down the zipper of your dress. You laughed as I ripped off your clothes. 

You gently undid my tie and when I watched you fumble with the buttons on my shirt, I said, “Just rip it, baby.”

“I don’t wanna ruin your clothes.”

“I don’t want you to worry about me or my clothes tonight. I want you to have me however you want me.”

“You’ll do whatever I want?”

“Within reason.”

“How do you feel about roleplay?”

“I suppose it depends -- what are the roles?”

“Husband and wife.”

“As long as I can be the husband.”

And then you kissed me -- with your typical tenderness but a new level of dedication. Slow and passionate, showing me what our lives could’ve been like. 

“I’m an impatient husband, and I want my beautiful wife to lie down because I think I’m gonna lose my mind if I don’t get to taste her.”

My mouth is useless when it comes to talking, but we both know I have other uses for it. I tried to go slowly, but I couldn't help myself. I swear your pussy was so perfect it made me reconsider my views on God. Though, I don’t think I am a man deserving of an angel. I think I just got lucky. 

That night I couldn’t care less about how loud you were. “Joel- fuck- you’re gonna have to slow down, or, or, put your hand over my mouth ‘cause - oh!”

“’Cause you don’t want anyone to hear? What’s the problem with them hearing, darlin’? Married couples make love all the time, it’s what we’re supposed to do.”

Without a condom, too. We weren’t worried about you getting pregnant, so we went out with the best bang of ‘em all. I think the last time I’d done it like that was when Sarah was conceived, and based on how easy that was, I was always cautious. 

Husband and wife roleplay wasn’t very different from the sex we typically had. I guess we were really only a piece of paper and wedding bands away from being those ‘characters’. 

Earlier that day, I was worried I wouldn’t sleep that night. I didn’t want to sleep. I wanted to savor every moment with you but when you curled up in my arms I fell asleep before I could even consider staying awake. 

Waking up next to you was my last clear image, even our goodbye kiss was a little blurry ‘cause I was already a little teary-eyed. 

But before that, over breakfast, you mentioned something that I’ve thought about every day since. 

“You know how sometimes people see a bird or something and they’re like ‘oh, that’s my dead relative’?”

“Yeah.”

“I’ll come back as a butterfly. One of the blue ones. You don’t see those too often. I don’t want to be something too common, like a bird, then you’ll probably mistake someone else for me.”

I don’t think I had seen a blue butterfly in Jackson until after you’d left us, but there’s one outside my window right now. 

In case it’s you, I’ll read this all aloud. 

Forever yours, 

Joel 

[wildestdreamsblog]

Santa Tell Me

Pairing: Steve Rogers x Reader

Summary: You needed protection. Steve was only too un(willing) to take you in his mountain.

Warnings: Swearing, Possessiveness, Manipulative behavior, Sexual themes, If you’re not 18+ please, PLEASE, do not interact. Be mindful of the warnings. Let me know if I miss anything.

A/N: One shot that has more that 5k words. One day, I’ll get over Chris Evans. But today isn’t the day. My Christmas gift to you hihi merry christmas lovely humans~

“No.”

A door slammed on Bucky’s face. He had not even said a word and yet, his best friend, Steve Rogers took one look at him and decided that it was best to slam the door in his face.

This punk, he thought.

Bucky took a deep breath before turning to look at the lady hiding behind his back. He offered you an assuring smile, pointing his thumb on the closed door before making a face as though saying that his friend was unnecessarily grumpy.

“Sorry ‘bout that. I think it’s menopause.”

Bucky cleared his throat before knocking once again.

The door opened with excessive force and once again, the brawny man appeared. Now that he didn’t slam the door, you were able to see what he really looked like.

What your supposedly temporary sanctuary looked like.

What he looked like.

When Bucky Barnes showed you what his best friend looked like, you thought that he seemed like an old-fashioned yet friendly man. From what Bucky told you, Steve used to be a captain in the military, until he quitted. The man just one day decided to retire because, and you quoted Bucky, ‘the man was simply fed up with people’s bullshit’.

You thought he looked handsome in his military uniform.

The hulking man in front of Bucky looked like the man in the photograph, yet at the same time so different. The Steve standing tall in front of you had beard on his face. In comparison to the photo, he now sported a longer hair that framed his manly face. You noted that his locks looked darker now. He was even bulkier now, too. The man on the photo looked like a hero. The one in front of you looked like an anti-hero.

“Heeeey,” Bucky grinned at Steve before slapping his arm in a friendly gesture. “I was just talking about you! So this is-“

“We’re the same age,” Steve cut Bucky off, glaring at him with his intense eyes before stepping closer to the equally huge man. You almost wondered how Bucky did not look intimidated at all when you remembered that underneath Bucky’s friendly persona was a man as deadly as him.

Steve never once looked at your direction as if you were inconsequential to him. Well, you thought, of course you were. To him, you were a nuisance. Bucky was not the one assigned to your case, yet you were immensely grateful that he stepped in once he noticed how the other man was bungling your case and almost caused your demise. That was to say it kindly when in truth, you walked out of their office one day after meeting with the other sergeant to go over your case. He assured you that the case was simple and that your life was not in grave danger. One moment you were crossing the road and was about to enter your car, and the next thing you knew a car was driving alarmingly fast to where you were standing. Your fight and flight instinct seemed to fail you as you did nothing but looked at the car with wide eyes and stuck limbs.

You should have been dead.

You would have been dead if it weren’t for Bucky’s quick reflexes and impeccable speed. And well, his metal arm. You felt a powerful arm tugged you behind a car, shielding you with his body and metal arm as the assailant pointed a gun at you and began shooting. The loud bangs from the weapons felt like it went on forever. Bucky had his other arm wrapped around you and he felt your uncontrollable trembles. He looked down and noticed how pale you were.

And he hated it.

He loathed seeing someone took advantage of helpless people.

Perhaps, that was what made him snapped. With practiced precision, Bucky pointed his gun and with a singular shot, he managed to hit one of the wheels. The car crashed to the post with deafening sound of collision. A moment passed before the forces were able to cautiously walked to the car, their guns pointed at the injured assaulters.

Bucky thought they were all useless.

After he made sure that you were indeed unharmed, Bucky gently dragged you back to the headquarters and berated the sergeant in charged of your case. He called the man, and you quoted: ‘a simpering buffoon’, ‘an intolerable fuck waffle’, ‘a spam email’, and lastly, he likened the sergeant to a wet sock. By the time he was done verbally kicking the man, the sergeant looked like he was one insult away from crying. Bucky thought that he deserved it. One mistake could cost someone’s life, and it almost costed yours.

Had the man simply looked deeper into the case, had he just noticed the familiar patterns of the crime, then he would know that the man you unknowingly outed was none other than the villain they had tried so hard to capture. He could not simply hand this case to another person. No, he knew what needed to be done, what level of protection you needed in order to get out of this disaster alive, and who could protect you as he resolved the case.

Which brought the two of you in front of his old friend’s cabin in the middle of nowhere. Okay, that might have been a tad bit exaggerated. Technically, Steve had neighbors in this mountains…just not near him…for miles..

Bucky cocked his head to the side, clearly confused as to what Steve said. “What?”

“We’re the same age. Therefore, If I am experiencing menopause, shouldn’t you be too?” Steve answered scathingly, clearly taking offense on Bucky’s senseless quip. He squinted his eyes at the equally tall man. Bucky’s jaw dropped dramatically, his hand covering his mouth.

“What?” He gasped theatrically. “Meaning to say you can still procreate?”

Steve clearly wasn’t amused. He stepped closer and to your astonishment, Bucky ran behind you. He humorously cowered on your back, using you as a human shield between him and the slighted former captain.

And that was the first time Steve Rogers laid his eyes on you.

To an untrained eye, no one could see him paused. But Bucky saw it. It was as though someone knocked the air out of his friend’s lungs. It was as though you were an occurrence that he never saw coming.

As the case may be, Steve led the two of you in his cozy cabin. The fire from the chimney made the place considerably warmer. Steve wordlessly placed a steaming cup of tea in front of you. Before you could even express your gratitude, he was already turning his back on you and sat on the chair in front of you and Bucky.

“Where’s my tea?” Bucky asked, looking longingly at the cup in your hands.

Steve merely spread his legs further, getting comfortable as he leveled his glare at his best friend. “She’s a guest.”

“I’m you guest, too!”

Steve shook his head slowly, “No, you’re not. You’re an unwanted nuisance, my acquaintance at best.”

Bucky could only blinked owlishly at his best friend. How could he categorized him as an acquaintance as if he didn’t grow up with him? The audacity. The nerve. But then he remembered, he must be kinder to Steve because he was the one needing a favor from him.

After Bucky went to the kitchen and served himself a tea all while mumbling under his breath how hospitable and recluse his friend had become, he went straight to business.

He laid out the facts, and Steve in turn listened intently. Bucky could see that he was just an inch closer to agreeing, and he needed just a push.

“She knows how to cook! She wouldn’t be a bother to you, right Y/N? You know how to cook?” Bucky exclaimed, his expression hopeful as he looked at you.

You shook your head slowly and you could see him visibly deflate.

“She knows how to do the laundry. You wouldn’t have to lift a finger while she’s here-“

You tapped his broad arm, before scooting closer to him. You whispered sheepishly to him, “I don’t know how to do that, too.”

“What?” he whispered back in astonishment and utter confusion.

Steve watched the two of you with a bored expression. His arms were crossed in front of him as he assessed the situation. This was not the first time Bucky used his space as a safe house. Usually, they only stay for a couple of weeks because that was how quick Bucky moved. When his best friend was intrigued with a case, he became so hyper focused that he only breathed for the case. In addition, the last time Bucky brought someone, he promised that it would be the last one.

And yet, here you were.

He could already feel the headache coming.

“Maybe you two want to talk it out first?” He asked when few minutes passed and you two were still conversing under your breaths.

Bucky offered him a sincere smile. “Come on, punk. For the spirit of Christmas, do it for me.”

He looked at him with deadpanned expression, “It’s October.”

He did not know how, but you and him watched as Bucky drove out of the property with a victorious smile on his face. How he was able to convince him was lost on Steve.

The first week went by quickly. You were somehow starting to be familiar with Steve’s routine. You noticed that early in the morning and before he locked the doors in the evening, he did parameter check. No matter how cold it was outside, he would do it without fail. You would admit that it made you feel safer. For the first time in months, you felt as though you were out of harm’s way. And in turn, you attempted to cook him meals. But that ended up a peril to the both of you…and his house.

You tried your very best to do his laundry, even his underwear. You were confused at first why you were having a hard time removing the stains form them. The look of horror in Steve’s face when he saw you hand washing his delicates was priceless. He was a man of great stature and nothing and no one managed to faze him. Until you.

He was so focused on your hands holding his underwear that he failed to notice how you were able to turn his white shirts into red.

He was still blushing and was unable to look in your eyes when that night, you gently place a steaming cup of coffee in front of him. He nodded his gratitude to you before engulfing the cup with his massive hand. He took on sip before he started coughing uncontrollably. In your panicked state, you went to him and touch him for the first time. You rubbed his muscular back, looking at his reddened face.

“What is this?” He asked between coughs. Only when he looked like he was near dying did he look at you.

“A coffee,” you answered.

“With salt?!”

A look of confusion passed your face before you realization dawned on you. Hurriedly, you went to him to take his sorry excuse for a coffee away from him. You were pouring it on the sink when you heard his concerned voice near you. In fact, you failed to notice him move and stand beside you because of your embarrassment.

“What happened?”

You contemplated whether you should tell him, but for his safety (and the safety of his food) you told him. With a deep breath, you turned to look at the tall man beside you.

“I lost my sense of taste.”

“Why?”

“Traumatic brain injury,” you admitted as though this was not a big deal, as though you didn’t almost die that night.

He didn’t need to know how- he had an inclination. Your enemy was powerful. Remarkably powerful that Bucky had asked for his help when he promised never to again. You were in danger.

You thought Steve would attempt to say something comforting like other people. Yet, all he did was to look at you intensely and nod his head as if in acknowledgement of your pain.

The next morning, you woke up to find all the ingredients in the kitchen with label, his beautiful handwriting on each of the container.

It was a cold night in November when Steve and your dynamic changed. You couldn’t sleep that night, your thoughts and anxiety about your future was getting ahead of you. It was as if you no longer had something to look forward to, as if it was solitary or death. You tried everything- from counting sheep, to reciting the alphabet backwards. And yet, you still couldn’t sleep. And so, you decided to warm a glass of milk when you heard it.

A sound of pain.

Fearing that something had happened to Steve, you ran to the side of the house you had never been in. You were thankful that the door was not locked when you barged in. The only weapon in your hand was a wooden spoon you would have used to stir your milk. Your eyes swept over the darkened place to fight the danger off and found none. The danger was in Steve’s mind. He was groaning in his sleep, his brows furrowed, showing his distressed. The sheet was entangled in his muscular limbs, sweat was rolling down his forehead.

He looked like he was in pain.

And you knew what it was, you had experienced what it was. It was something you wanted to run away from, and yet, you couldn’t. You were trapped in your own mind. And tonight, Steve was trapped in his own personal nightmare.

Softly, you brushed your hand on his hair, trying to soothe him. You called his name to wake him up, running your other hand up and down his arm in a pacifying manner.

“Steve, come on. Wake up,” you whispered when he started struggling, his muscles rippling from the intense emotions and anxiety rolling off of him.

“I’m here. No one’s gonna hurt you,” you buried your face on his chest. You had read somewhere that pressure was a good thing when someone was experiencing this to keep them grounded. You had desperately prayed that someone would be there for you when you felt like dying.

“I’m here for you..”

You repeated saying that until you felt him move. And only when his breathing turned normal did you look up at his confused and frightened eyes. Seeing as he was now awake, you attempted to move only for him to shackle you to his front with his muscular arms. He looked at you as if he couldn’t believe you were there with him, as if you were an angel that saved him the moment he thought he would perish.

“Stay,” he whispered, his voice hoarse. You were wary at that point. You felt as though you were crossing a line- something that you could never go back to. With his face so close to yours, you could feel something you never should have felt for this was only a temporary dwelling, your resting place.

This had a deadline.

You had gotten good at ignoring how handsome he was, how strong he was, how gentle he was to you… and how patient he was to all your shenanigans.

Most importantly, you were almost successful at ignoring how protective he was of you that he did not even let you cook. Or how he always had his hand on the small of your back when you two were walking outside. Or how he always checked on you each night and bid you good night. Or how he said without words how no harm would come upon you.

Or how feminine he made you feel.

It was so unlike how other men you had dated treated you. No, they didn’t treat you wrong… they just didn’t treat you the way he was treating you. Or look at you the way he was looking at you right now.

“Please,” he whispered.

And stay, you did.

It was before sunset when you opened your eyes. A heavy arm was thrown on your stomach, you back so close to his front that you could feel his warmth and a hardness you knew what it was. You felt a tinge of heat on your core. It had been too long… You could smell Steve this close. And by heavens, he smelled like home.

He smelled like yours.

But you knew you shouldn’t get attached. This would only bring chaos to his peaceful life. You weren’t ignorant to assume that his life in the military was peaceful. He wouldn’t be like how he was last night if not for the terrors he faced during his service.

And falling for him would only bring terror in his life. You could not bring yourself to ruin the peaceful and idle life he made for himself in this mountain.

With a firm decision, you left his bed.

Steve couldn’t remember sleeping as peacefully as he did…or waking up as late as he did that morning. Yet, all the calmness he felt vanished when he woke up without you. He knew he did not dreamed you. You were there. He felt you there. He held you in his arms. You soothed the demons living in his mind.

But where were you now?

His movements were abrupt as he scanned his room. He hastily moved out of his room, sweeping a look at every room he passed. He placated himself by thinking that you might have moved back to your room to sleep only to be disappointed. Your room looked cold. You weren’t there. He felt his heart beating, the sound drumming out of his ribcage that it hurt. He felt as though he could not breathe. With a poorly constrained terror, he started calling out your name loudly as he moved to every room of his house.

And still, you weren’t there.

You left, he was convinced.

And he felt betrayed.

How could you leave just like that when you brought color to his bleak life? When for the first time in years he felt that he wasn’t alone? How could you leave like that when you were able to silence the demons he tried so hard to kill?

He was hunched over the kitchen counter when he heard a door open. Unknowing that you left a bomb to explode by stepping outside, you flashed Steve a small smile. In your hand was a bunch of flowers you had plucked from around the area. Your smile froze when he walked to you like a bull ready to eviscerate his opponent. Barely stepping back, you were unprepared when you felt his powerful arms around you, his body trembling with anger and anxiety.

“S-Steve?”

If he heard you, he didn’t give an ounce of indication. His hold on you tightened, his face buried on your dainty shoulder. It went for so long that you started feeling uncomfortable. Your mind was set from your morning walk that you would go back to treating him like a friend. You were attempting to get out of his hold when he finally did speak.

“Do you even have an ounce of idea what I would do if you end up getting hurt?” His voice was cold when he spoke. He let you go to look at you. His anger was palpable. The calm and quiet Steve you knew was gone.

“I just went out to-“

“And you didn’t think of the danger?” He asked in indignation. The way he was looking at you made you feel like a petulant child, as though you did a terrible mistake. “You didn’t think that Bucky placed you in my care only for you to get hurt because what? You wanted to pick up flowers? Are you that thoughtless-“ He finally trailed off when he saw tears threatening to fall. Your lips were quivering from hurt. Steve suddenly felt at loss. He went too far, he was afraid to admit.

Without meeting his eyes, you stepped out of his hold, placed the flowers on the counter, and went up to your room.

It was hours later when a knock disrupted you from your hateful thoughts toward him and pitying thoughts for your situation. You were pouting when the door opened, revealing the person who vexed you today. You didn’t say anything, merely threw daggers his way. Steve didn’t know how to deal with someone like you, yet he knew he was in the wrong. He let his emotions get the best of him.

“I’m sorry, angel,” he said, watching your expressionless face. You hated how he talked to you. There was already someone bungling your life and making it miserable and making you feel like you were so small that he could step on you. You didn’t need another man to do that.

Coldly, you replied, “I only accept apologies in cash.”

And that was how you found yourself in town. Steve was on guard as he walked with you, his towering height made it possible to see everyone. He was serious while you were jumping up and down from excitement. It had been close to half a year since you were out in the public, and this felt like a treat to you. You were so used to living and providing for yourself that when shit happened, it was a big adjustment for you. Yet now, you had no qualm spending his money. It was reparation for damages that he did to you, you thought.

You smiled evilly as he paid for the camera that you bought.

It was not the fanciest, you were not that evil. But it was so long since you last held a camera. You were a photographer, one of the best actually. You were winning contests left and right. One day, you were innocently taking a photo of a landscape, admiring the nature and the vast land before you. Your focus was on the deers wandering aimlessly. You went home that day like any other work day. It was the next day when you were reviewing your photos that you noticed that just behind the deers, almost hidden behind the trees, were three men. One man looked like he was running, the other two was laughing with guns in their hands. It turned out you were a witness to a crime. Not long after, the body was found.

And that was how you got entangled in this whole fiasco.

It was almost December, and the market was already decorated with Christmas lights and in the middle of it all was the huge tree. You pulled Steve in front of it, lifted the camera, and took a picture of the two of you. You were looking at the camera, and he was looking down at you with a small smile in his face.

December came. It was the day before Christmas when Steve found you in the kitchen, attempting once again to cook properly. Regardless of the taste, Steve always ate your food without any reluctance. Yet, what you were cooking looked festive that it confused him.

“Is there an occasion?” He asked as he sipped his coffee, thankfully no longer salty.

“I’m one year closer to death.”

“Excuse me?”

“It’s my birthday.”

You faced him with a smile. Steve walked to you, before embracing you in his arms. “I am so happy you’re alive, angel. Happy birthday,” he whispered in your ears. He wanted to say how happy he was you were here, too. Yet, he didn’t.

That night, he laid out the table so beautifully. Candles were lit in the middle. Steve cooked for the two of you, and he took out wine from his cellar. You and him were sitting on the floor in front of the fireplace with wine glass in your hand.

“You never asked me why I had a nightmare,” Steve stated, he was swirling the wine as he looked at you. You could feel his body warmth this close. The wine, the candle, and the way he looked at you felt like this was something intimate.

“I figured if you wanted me to know, you would.”

“You weren’t curious.”

“We all have demons to live with. That’s what I thought. And I hope you defeat your demons,” you admitted before sipping from your glass.

What you didn’t know was his demons were becoming less and less strong the longer you stayed with him, he thought. You could silence them.

“Did you enjoy your birthday, angel?”

“I did. Also, why are you calling me an angel?”

“Because I feel safe with you.”

“What?” You sputtered. If anything, he should be the angel with the way he took you in when he didn’t have to. “If that’s the case, you’re the angel, Steve. You make me feel safe,” you stated with sincerity in your voice.

“I know I’m an imposition to you. I’m thankful that you took me in. Bucky mentioned that he’s almost sure that this will end soon. Thank you for letting me stay here, Steve. Soon, you can have this haven all to yourself. I will never forget your kindness. You’re my angel.”

When you finally looked up, you noticed how serious he was looking at you. His eyes drifted to your lips. Unconsciously, you licked your lips. Suddenly you felt as though you were parched. Steve hated the thought of him living in this mountain without you. You had been here for only close to three months and yet, you changed him. His house no longer felt cold. His house no longer felt empty. He hated the thought of losing you.

He thought that you were meant to be here.

Steve lowered his face to you, inch by inch. Until you felt his lips on you. He kissed you slowly at first, so softly that your eyes fluttered close. It was only when you opened your lips did he kiss you with such intensity that it made your breathless. His hand was on the back of your head, pulling you closer to him. His tongue demanded entrance, and you were too willing to give in. The taste of mint and wine on his lips made you kissed him deeper. With his strength, he pulled you on top of him. You were straddling him, and his hands were discovering your curves. The hard evidence of his pleasure was pressed on your core.

You were humping him, all rational thoughts flew out of your brain the moment his lips touched yours. From this angle, you could feel how big he was. You were moaning when his lips skimmed to your neck, leaving open-mouthed kisses. Your pulse was erratic, he noted. You were as affected as he was. With barely restrained impatience, Steve placed you on the carpeted floor, his body closely following as he topped you. He caressed your soft thigh, your dress falling to your waist which gave him access to your core. As if to tease you, Steve ran his hand from your neck to your chest, down to your stomach, and finally to your thong.

“Naughty girl,” he whispered in your ear. “I bet you’re dripping wet for me.” Without any warning, he tore your thong away from you. He was in the middle of your parted legs, his look dark as he focused on your core. His finger traced your slit, making you moan as he smirked at how wet you were for him. “Fuck, you’re so wet. Your cunt is so wet for me.”

He slid down. Steve opened your pussy wider with his fingers and with his tongue, he tasted you. You were shocked at how much pleasure he was giving you that when he dove in and ate you like a man starved, you felt yourself go. Yet, he didn’t stop. A finger eased in you as he sucked your clit, moaning with gusto. You were so tight that he wondered how he would fit in you. He was thinking you were his, only his after this.

You were on your second orgasm, your legs shivering when he finally lifted his face. His beard was drenched with your essence, his hair falling on his forehead as he looked at you with heat in his eyes. Your dress was the next to go.

You were too in hazed from your orgasms, and his mouth sucking ferociously on your breast that you didn’t know how he got you and him naked. Yet, the next thing you knew, he was pressing his hard cock against your pussy. He kept pressing the head against you.

“You want me,” he said darkly. It wasn’t lost on you that it was not a question. Yet, you nodded your head. Because at that moment, you did want him more than anything else.

Steve rub his cock on your swollen clit before sliding it down on your tight hole. And then he shoved it inside you, pushing you to the edge once again.

He was only too glad you were too into it that you didn’t notice he had no protection. Or that he came inside you.

He was only too glad to taste you when you were awake. He had craved hearing your moans.

He was only too glad that you were a heavy sleeper some nights that he was able to spread your legs and taste you. He even marked your pussy with his cum on some nights. Of course, you would never know that. It was his secret.

Your talk about how this would all end, how he was going to be alone soon made him crazy. You didn’t know, but you unknowingly traded a dangerous man to another devil. He’d have a talk with Bucky, of course. Bucky would understand that he had to keep you. You’d go nowhere. You were his. He had been good all his life. Didn’t he deserve a Christmas gift, too? You and a baby soon, perhaps?

He smiled at your sleeping form. He couldn’t stop himself from hugging you closer. The snow was falling beautifully outside, the fire had long simmered. The sun was starting to rise. This was what Christmas truly felt like, Steve thought.

When you finally stirred, he whispered, “Merry Christmas, my angel.”

[whatwouldsylwrite]

At least I got you in my head (3)

(2.5)

Summary: Abby is straight. And then you move in with her.

Tags: modern au, fem!reader, straight!abby (she is doing some comphet bullshit), pining, idiot in love and it's abby, reader is gay and tired.

Notes: gay yearning, homoerotic friendship, injuries, jokes about reader being weak but it's a comparison of average human/mma fighter. Abby is stupid, and they're both so delusional with "we're just friends" I feel like I need to write parallel povs with them so you'd see what the other actually felt.

Taglist: @abbyily @lillysbigwilly @gravygranules @blairfox04 @frogtits1 @ccinnamongrl (if you want me to tag you for the whole series dm me please)

-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-

October rolled around and you felt like both of you finally got completely comfortable with each other. You spent a lot of time together when you both were at home and you made plans for weekends and free evenings, so your friendship was flourishing. Your stupid, unnecessary, nonsensical crush was flourishing too. You were pressing all your feelings down as best as you could, but when Abby laughed at your jokes your heart swelled with affection and even if you scolded yourself it didn’t work. 

You needed a better way of getting over Abby. (some would say you needed to concentrate on Abby’s flaws - stubborn, leaves cups everywhere, has a hard time admitting she is wrong - but you’ve been down this road before, and it didn’t work, fuck you Jessica).

Sometimes you’d feel like you had a chance - when Abby hugged you tight or blushed when you flirted with her or when she affectionately called you a shrimp because you were hunching over in your chair while you were doing your homework. You’d have to snap yourself out of your delusions because you couldn’t afford getting your hopes up, and the constant reminders in your head actually worked. If you couldn’t get over Abby at least you could contain it at the level you weren’t hurting. You’d take that.  

You turned your key in the lock and opened the door to your apartment just to be surprised when you saw the lights on: usually when you came home Abby wasn't there yet. You felt somewhere between worried and curious why Abby was home early. 

You took your coat and shoes off and went to find Abby to check on her; you saw the light in the bathroom and the door was open, so you approached carefully in case she was naked. 

"Abby?"

"Oh! Hi." Abby said and something clank on the sink. 

"Can I come in?" 

“Yeah.”

You walked into the doorway and gasped when you saw Abby’s face. You came closer immediately, looking at her face with worry. She had a bruise on her cheekbone, her lower lip was swollen with a small cut in the corner of her mouth. 

“What the fuck, Abby?" You asked, for some reason trembling from worry. "What happened? Fuck, do you need to see a doctor?"

You held Abby by her neck, looking over her face, terrified and hurt from seeing Abby hurt. Who would do this? What kind of sick, violent asshole would attack Abby in the middle of the day? What did she even do to provoke such a response?

But Abby smiled, hissing from pain, and stroked your forearms.

"Hey." Abby said gently, soothing you. "Everything's fine. Wasn't paying attention during practice, caught some of the punches."

"Fuck, I forgot." You sighed, relieved. Abby was fighting for fucking fun, of course. "I thought someone attacked you."

Abby laughed and kissed your forehead to soothe you, her lips soft on your skin. You felt your chest flutter, but the relief you felt was bigger - Abby was okay, she was safe and these injuries didn't come from someone's violence. 

"Are you cleaning them?" You nodded at her bruises.

"Yeah."

"I'll help you." You said firmly and made Abby sit on the edge of the bath, looking up to you, amused. "Don't look at me like that, I can't cope with people being hurt."

"You're too sensitive for your own good." Abby said kindly. 

"I care about you." You said quietly as you wiped the blood from the corner of her lip, and Abby stared at you. You heard her breath hitch - she was shocked. "What, you thought I didn't?"

"No-no. I know you care about me." Abby mumbled and looked somewhere over your shoulder, avoiding eye contact. You could understand that, being so close to someone would make some people feel awkward. "You're so gentle." She scoffed as if it offended her, because Abby was all about I can take it so don't go soft on me. 

"Exactly why I said I'd do this. You, idiot, like to tough it up and suffer." You narrowed your eyes playfully and slapped your hand on the sink. "Not on my watch."

"How many vine compilations have you watched, grandma?"

"Takes one to know one." You scoffed and looked over her cut. You turned around and looked for disinfectant in the cabinet; then you took a piece of cotton and held it under Abby's chin so you could rinse the cut without applying any pressure. This disinfectant didn't hurt, so you were pretty calm about rinsing with it. "Okay. Do you have any healing ointments or whatever you use when you get hurt?"

"Yeah. Over there. It's for the bruise."

You nodded and gently applied the cream on Abby's cheekbone, your fingertips like feathers on her skin. Now Abby stared at you without hiding, looking at your face as if it was some kind of puzzle. She probably didn't even register that, so you didn't bring it up to her attention, not wanting to embarrass her.  

"Okay. I'm done." 

"Thanks." Abby said quietly and you smiled at her. 

"Be careful next time. I thought you have gloves for a reason. How did you even get your lip cut?"

"I don't know, It just happened. The punch wasn't even that strong." Abby rolled her eyes and some part of you wanted to laugh because she was cute, but the other part reminded you that Abby was big and strong and actually fucking dangerous. 

Yeah, she was cute when she scrunched her nose, but it was the way a lioness was cute. Little kitty from afar, but even the thought of it noticing you would make you hold your breath in fear. A lioness wasn't a kitty. A lioness was a killing machine that would overpower you and kill you in five minutes. This hit you in a way you wanted to press your thighs together - Abby was so much stronger than you just based on the fact she was a martial artist, and it made you feel things. 

Things you needed to press the fuck down and make yourself forget them. 

"Are you hungry?" Abby asked suddenly and you looked at her, surprised.

"Yes."

"I'll cook tonight." 

You raised your brows, surprised. 

"You know how?"

"Fuck you." Abby laughed and gently shoved you out of the bathroom and towards the kitchen. "Just because you're my housewife it doesn't mean I can't cook."

You sat on the chair and watched Abby cook with a mock worry, teasing her that she'd poison you, but Abby didn't mind. You actually knew Abby was a good cook, judging by how well organised her kitchen was when you moved in, but you couldn't miss a chance to tease her. 

"Behave, (y/n). Or I won't feed you." Abby said sternly, but this little command caused a knee-jerk reaction, pressing your buttons in a delicious way. You took a small breath to calm down the sudden haze from her words and came back to reality. "Threatening works, huh?"

Threatening, yeah, of course. Threatening.

"I have a fight on Friday. Do you want to come?" Abby asked as she stirred the vegetables in the pan. "At five."

"Yeah, I do. I'm afraid I'll have a heart attack if I see you hurt, but anything to support you, babygirl." You winked and Abby laughed.

"There is going to be a party after the fight too."

"Cool."

You weren't sure if alcohol plus Abby's company was a good idea, especially since you'd get more sad that you wanted her, but couldn't have her. And drunk cuddles would definitely hit differently and in not a good way, because now you felt something. So right now - though you didn't admit it yet - you weren't planning on going to that party. That September outing was enough for you to understand you needed to protect your heart. 

You snapped out of your thoughts when Abby stopped and rolled her arm, hissing. You frowned in worry, and when she looked at you, she explained.

"My shoulder."

"Did you get hit there too?" You raised your brows.

"No, just sore. I tried to massage it, but I couldn't reach it." 

"I can massage it for you later, if you want." You said before you could even process the implications of your words. You said that on pure instinct "people say I'm good at massages and Abby needs help", but if she'd agree it'd mean you'd touch her. 

Like. Naked back and everything. Shit. 

"Oh, you're so fucking nice, (y/n)." Abby cooed and you huffed. "Thank you."

"Feed me first." You said just as sternly as Abby said before, and she chuckled. 

"Or what, your weak little arms won't have any energy?" 

"The fuck." You asked, dramatically offended. "My arms are strong. No, don't even look at me like that, Anderson, I'm not arm wrestling you."

"Because you're weak as a noodle?"

That was definitely the payback for saying she'd poison you with her cooking. 

"You just want to feel that you're stronger than me, don't you?" 

"Come on, it will be fun." Abby said, now very into the idea of arm wrestling you. She wiped her hands and sat opposite of you, her eyes twinkling with mischief. 

"Yeah, for you." You rolled your eyes but put your elbow on the table. "Why do I even put up with your shit?"

"Because you love me, obviously." Abby rolled her eyes in return and your heart sank down in pain and came back in a matter of milliseconds. 

"I'm just nice." 

Abby wrapped her fingers around yours, delighted how your untrained hand was smaller than hers. Your hand was hot and dry, and your hold on her was strong - well, as strong as it could be for someone who occasionally went to gym. Your nails were short and neatly filed, you didn't wear nail polish. Abby suddenly remembered how Ellie explained to her why her nails were short with a shit-eating grin (for fucking, Abigail, for fucking) and even though it was funny then (yeah and nail polish is too gay, right?), it wasn't funny now, with you. 

Why the fuck she was so bothered you had a sex life? She wasn't in any position to police your life and especially your private life. She really needed to be a better person. 

"Ready?"

"If you break my hand you're paying for it."

"Ah, don't worry, my dad is a surgeon." 

Abby counted down from three and let you show your strength first to not demotivate you, but even like this she showed you you had no chance against her, because while you flexed all possible muscles in your arm, she was almost relaxed. 

"Yeah, you're a weak noodle." Abby said, smirking. 

"You're a noodle." You puffed as you tried your best to move Abby's hand, but Abby didn't bulge. "Come on, give up a little."

Abby laughed, but let you move her hand halfway down, and you looked ridiculously happy, even though you knew you were cheating. Abby thought about letting you win because you looked so pleased, but she wanted to destroy you way more. So when you almost got her hand all the way down, panting and puffing, Abby flexed her muscles and slammed your hand to the other side. She was gentle and didn't hit your hand on the table, relaxing her grip just the second before pressing your hand down fully. 

"Weak. Noodle." She said and you looked so angry she started laughing: it wasn't real anger, it was the playful one, and you honestly looked cute. "It's so fun to rile you up."

"First you humiliate me, then you poison me. I'm moving out." You said dramatically and Abby laughed again. 

"Well then how are you going to get Ellie to date you, hm?"

"Oh my god, Abby." You rolled your eyes again. "Gimme my food so my weak noodles could get some energy to knead your back."

Abby was absolutely delighted with how grumpy you were. It was the same when you played Mortal Kombat - riling you up was the biggest joy she had (after cuddling with you). You were so chill all the time, calm and confident like nothing could throw you off balance, and Abby liked seeing you crumble with childish anger, because it filled her with childish joy. 

You had your dinner and Abby rolled her eyes and called you a grandma when you mumbled something about poison again, but she saw how much you liked the food she made. Abby even started to reconsider if she actually hated cooking or she just needed to have someone to feed. Abby felt all warm when you said your thanks with a shy smile - something she never saw on your face before. Her stomach fluttered as she stared at you, searing your face into her heart. You were just adorable.

You washed the dishes and then asked Abby to lie down to fix her sore shoulder. You almost choked when she just took her shirt off and lied down on the bed, without any fucking warning. You felt your face heat up as you traced her muscles and her waist with your eyes, absorbing the sight in front of you. You could see how muscles moved under her skin as she adjusted her position on the bed, tucking her arms under the pillow, her shoulders showing these delicious curves around her biceps and triceps and whatever the fuck human arm was made of. The bruise on her cheek was getting purple and you felt your heart ache, sorry for someone as sweet as Abby to have this. 

"I'm not a professional, so I don't think I can fix the problem, but at least you'll relax. Are you okay if I sit on top of you?"

"Of course. Your back would get tired way too fast if you stay at my side, so take a seat."

"So forward, Abby." You chuckled and swung your leg over her ass so you could sit. You tried not to think how your legs stretched over her soft butt, how it would feel if you were flipped over and she was pressing you int- Stupid horny monkey brain. “Do you have a lotion somewhere?”

“Will hand cream work?”

“Yeah.”

Abby reached out for her drawer and handed you the hand cream while you respectfully didn’t look at her tits while she moved up, her naked chest showing from her sides. You squeezed the hand cream on Abby’s back, laughing at her surprised twitch, and got to work. You massaged the top of her shoulders and her neck first, listening to her soft pleased hums as you worked the tension out of her muscles. Then you moved to her shoulder blades and pressed your knuckles just under the right shoulder blade where you knew the sore muscle was. Abby let out a moan as you dragged your knuckles over the muscle and you opened your eyes wide, surprised. Fuck, Abby sounded delicious. 

“Fuck, right there.” Abby grunted and you repeated your movements, your ears tuned to her. Stupid, stupid horny monkey brain. “It feels so good.”

No. You refused to let her words get into your head. It wasn’t meant for you. It wasn't even sexual, what the fuck was wrong with you? 

"That's what she said." You murmured and Abby chuckled. 

"You have magic hands, fuck, do that again."

"You sure you're not my ex?" You teased. Abby didn't respond to that and you just continued massaging her back. 

After half an hour of you kneading Abby's back she was a putty and your hands were tired. You sat down next to her on the bed and watched her blissed out face. 

"Better?"

"I feel like I don't have bones anymore." Abby murmured into her pillow and you laughed quietly. "Thank you."

"You see where cooking dinner gets you." You poked her naked side, but Abby was too relaxed to twitch. "If you need my magic hands, just ask. I'm happy to help."

"You're too nice." 

"Why are you saying it like it's a bad thing?" 

"Just afraid someone would exploit you. Like, some idiot girl who won't appreciate you or something."

"Don't worry. I don't stay with people who don't care about me."

"I care about you, so stay with me." 

Your heart skipped a beat as you stared at Abby: she always said this kind of shit that gave you hope. That maybe Abby was just in the closet. That maybe she felt something too. That maybe you just needed to make a move, be the brave one, and then you'd get to have her. Your intuition was constantly whispering to you that Abby wasn't straight, but you refused to listen, because a) it was wishful thinking and b) even if she wasn't, it was for her to figure out and no one deserved to be forced out of the closet. 

"Well I don't want to be homeless, so I am staying with you." You stroked her back affectionately. "You need to shower."

Abby groaned and you laughed, before leaving her room. You needed to breathe.

Abby sighed quietly, still basking in your touch. She might've joked you were weak, but in reality your hands were strong. And so soft. God, you were so soft it opened some unknown need in her. She was longing for your touch in a way it scared her. Sure, Abby was affectionate and enjoyed hugs and cuddles and sleepovers when she got to hold someone - with boys they always held her, but with girls she could be the one holding and protecting. But with you she felt like an addict, craving your touch and closure with actual fucking pain in her chest, the constant pull to be closer in any way possible. Abby never felt like that about anyone, and she didn't understand what it meant. Was she so touch-starved she was looking to get her needs filled by using the closest person she had? That was very selfish and Abby didn't like what kind of person she was becoming. She felt sick at the thought she was using you, the kindest person she knew, to escape her loneliness. 

Abby sat up on the bed and looked at herself in the mirror, not really liking what she saw there. It felt like any issues she had inside were now outside, an inevitable evidence of her deteriorating morals. Fuck, she was turning into an idiot girl who couldn't appreciate you. 

Abby touched her shoulder where your soft fingers were a few minutes ago. Why just your company and your jokes weren't enough? Why did she want more? She couldn't understand at all, she was missing something. (Yeah, probably her morals). But it scared her to such a degree she didn't even want to go there.

The knock on the door snapped her out of her thoughts. You didn't come inside, staying behind the door to give her privacy.

"Do you want to have some tea with me?" 

"Yeah."

And everything was back to normal.

[hey-august]

This story comes to you from the May Event Week 2 results! Check out the full event here.

WC: ~600 Warnings: NSFW, MDNI, Buggy x GN!reader, established relationship, profanity, male masturbation, anal masturbation, toy masturbation, buggy uses the toy without asking (tsk tsk), pls wash your toys correctly and don't use someone else's toy without consent

Buggy hated it at first. Hate hate hate. He wouldn’t admit it, but he was jealous. Jealous. Could you believe that? Jealous over an inanimate dick. Some phallic bullshit toy that you hid in your drawer. 

The first time he saw the offending rubbery item, he asked if you wanted him to toss it. Surely you wouldn’t need to keep this fucking thing when you could just use him as a real live dildo.

And yet.

You stopped him. You wanted to keep it. Buggy’s hand was already halfway across the room, the fake teal penis pinched between his fingers and ready to drop into the bin. But you said no. Not yet. What? Why?

The sneer on his face was plain as day. As bright as the sunlight pouring into the room. As crisp as the waves crashing outside. And you scrambled to explain. To prove that he was still more than enough.

You showed Buggy how you’d bundle the toy in a bit of fabric. Buggy hated how you touched it so gently. How you swaddled it like some baby and not a fucking dong.

You showed Buggy how you’d tuck it on the window sill. Something about warming it up, whatever the hell that meant. You said it was important, but you didn’t want to wait for it to warm up this time. You didn’t want him to wait.

You showed Buggy how you’d use the toy. How you’d go until they were tears in your eyes. How you’d beg for him. How you imagined it was him. Because you simply couldn’t bear it when he was gone. When he was away, you needed a way to fill the hole in your heart and the hole between your legs.

Buggy had watched you fuck yourself with his erection many times. This was the same. And different. You tried to use it the same way, but it was obvious the toy was no comparison for the real thing. And since he was here, Buggy was more than happy to give your body what it needed.

And after that…Buggy didn’t hate the toy so much. Not just because it brought you pleasure, but because he found his own pleasure with it.

If it made you feel better when Buggy was away, why couldn’t the opposite apply? And it did.

He’d secretly rummage through your drawer, searching for the vibrant flash of color that was picked because it reminded you of your favorite pirate clown.

During the day, Buggy would wrap it in fabric and let it soak up the sun. If he actually planned ahead, he’d have warm water ready to soak the dildo in. You were right - it made a difference. Fucking yourself with something warm is a lot better than something room-temperature. 

And knowing that you did the same made his dick twitch. Fucking himself with your toy made his toes curl. Knowing that the toy invading in his body also resided in yours brought him bliss.

Honestly, it was good. Too good. It was better than using his own dick to peg himself. 

Thinking about how you didn’t know he used your toy had him moaning and grunting like a wild animal. Screwing himself until he spilled a filthy, sticky mess.

When feeling finally returned to his legs, Buggy would take care to clean up. He was especially diligent about cleaning the toy and putting it back. It was yours, after all.

Even if he used it more than you.

[yukidragon]

Sunny Day Jack - Dragon Jack Fantasy AU Headcanons

So, I know that Jack’s fursona is a snake, because he wants warm cuddles his sunshine won’t run away from, which is where we get naga Jack, but what if he was a different sort of mythical creature?

No, not an incubus, but you can check out my incubus headcanons here and here. I’m talking about a different fantastical creature that still has a few scaly features.

It’s the year of the dragon, and that got me thinking about a certain piece of absolutely gorgeous artwork my friend Mars made back in August, which in turn made me think, dragon Jack AU?

Dragon Jack AU.

Oh hell yeah, let’s get fantastical.

Credit for this beautiful artwork and fueling my inspiration goes to the marvelous Mars, who you can find over here on tumblr and on twitter. Please consider popping on by to leave a kind word or two. Trust me, you won’t regret looking at all of her jaw-droppingly stunning art!

Content warnings: There is going to be spice in these headcanons, and it’s going to get a bit kinky at times. I mean, we’re talking about Jack as a dragon getting frisky with his sunshine. Bad Dragon didn’t get its name for nothing after all. Oh and there’s also some dark themes like going insane from isolation, families being awful to one another, exploitation of workers, bullshit politics in a medieval inspired fantasy setting, deadly monsters attacking people, yandere obsession, that sort of thing.

Overall it’s going to be pretty lighthearted, especially in comparison to the super dark and angst-filled hurt/comfort story that I recently posted, so this post shouldn’t get more intense than the game itself.

The Cursed Prince

Let us begin this AU with the tale of Sunny Day Jack, a poor soul who was damned to be left alone and forgotten by all who knew him. In this case, that place he was left to be forgotten was a castle in the middle of a dark and twisted land, bound by a curse that not even the strength of a dragon can break.

Jack wasn’t always this way. Long ago, he was someone grand, a prince by the name of Joseph, though not in line for any sort of throne. He was the spare of the spare, the unwanted and unneeded family member who was a risk to the true heir to the crown. He had to learn how to be strong and cunning to survive the castle politics, while at the same time he was overlooked and ignored by all.

Initially, Joseph tried all he could to earn favor with his family, to be loved by them, but no one cared. Because his family didn’t care about him, and he had no “purpose” in existing except as an obstacle to the heir to the throne, others often ignored him as well to not risk showing favor and appearing to side with him against the current forerunners to the crown. Acting out and creating mischief that the royal family couldn’t ignore was the only way for Joseph to get people to pay attention to him.

Unfortunately, Joseph pushed his luck one too many times. He ignored a family member’s warning that it would be best if he lived as a dead rat, forgotten and unseen. An assassin struck in the guise of a tutor during one of his lessons. He barely escaped, but uncovered a terrible truth. The family he always hoped might someday truly see him and love him had been behind the assassination attempt. How many members of his family were involved in the plot, he never knew for sure, but their indifference and disdain for him left him with no one he could trust.

The unwanted prince was then forced to flee the kingdom, never to return. Joseph lived as a wanderer, hiding his identity. He changed his appearance as much as he could, even stealing a potion from a wizard once. Sadly, the potion he stole could only change his hair from brown to blue, but it was better than nothing, and he quickly grew fond of the look.

Yes, blue hair is something natural in this setting. This is a fantasy world where dragons and magic exist after all. We can have people with anime hair and eye colors. ;3

The unwanted prince learned the ways of the world firsthand and took many names as he drifted along like the wind. No longer a spoiled prince, he learned how to put on a smile, to placate people instead of antagonize them. He was still alone, forced to be a wanderer until he was far, far away from his homeland, but eventually he tried to set up roots. There, he took a humble job as a jester for a noble, hoping that maybe he could find a new life, one where he could be seen and loved.

Fortune smiled on Jack, as more and more people came to watch his shows, and he earned the stage name of Sunny Day Jack. His performances with silly jokes and stories with sound moral lessons delighted the children. Nobility took notice of him, and he started to make real connections and a real life for himself in this distant land. The lord ruling over the country even eventually took notice of him, a rich and powerful ruler that could afford to throw plenty of gold this entertaining jester’s way… provided he was always entertaining.

Sadly, his good fortune was not to last. Jack got too much attention from the nobility, and a traveler familiar with his homeland took notice of how eerily similar the jester looked to the lost prince.

Word eventually got back to those who saw Prince Joseph, however unwanted and overlooked he may have been, as a risk that could not be accepted. His popularity, however frivolous, made certain people of power nervous that perhaps one day he might return and lay claim to the throne of his homeland.

It was during a performance that the world came crashing down around Sunny Day Jack. The lord that favored him and helped him most with his fame and acclaim had betrayed him to his homeland in exchange for more riches. The trap was sprung as Jack stood before a crowd of hundreds, a sudden accusation ringing out that he was a notorious criminal who had done several heinous acts while the knights of the land came at him in force to arrest him. He barely managed to escape, though not unscathed, his new life destroyed and forever sullied to all who knew his name.

This time the pursuers were relentless. Jack wasn’t known here as a prince in this foreign land. There was no one who would show even a token loyalty to his royal blood and aid him. He was now a heinous criminal, wanted dead or alive, with none willing to give him shelter. There was no way for him to use his former name or royal bloodline to gain assistance, as Prince Joseph was long since declared dead.

Jack was a clever man, and a clever man who has nothing left to lose is capable of anything, including mutually assured destruction. His time as a jester wasn’t spent as a simple fool. Though he tried to be sincere when forging his friendships, truly wanting a life of happiness where he could be loved for who he was, he had tasted betrayal once, and it cost him everything but his life. Sadly, he was prepared should this happen again. He learned how to be charming, and he used his appealing and kind nature to learn secrets that might help him one day.

One of these secrets Jack learned was of magic treasure that the lord’s family guarded and exploited for generations. He also learned of a few secret passages in the lord’s castle, which helped him to elude his pursuers. With nearly all the knights put to the task to capture or kill the escaped criminal, this left the castle vault’s security unusually lax. It granted him an opportunity that could save him, or damn them all.

There in the vault was one of a set of golden cuffs, the symbol and pride of the lord’s family, and the very thing that allowed them to take dominion over the land generations ago and rule to this day. These cuffs were said to possess a magic too powerful for any one person to control, so no one dared to wield more than one at a time, but the truth was that if anyone was foolish enough to do so, they would unleash a terrible curse that would doom the land. This was why they were kept separately, for the safety of everyone.

These cuffs have their own history to them, as a fae was tricked into creating them, a bargain for power and a price not yet paid, which was the reason behind their curse. I could ramble on about ideas I have for how they came to be, but their backstory doesn’t really matter to Jack… yet.

Betrayed, branded a criminal, his hopes for a new life dashed to pieces, and everything spiraling out of control, Jack managed to break into the vault and steal the golden cuff hidden there. Before word of the theft could spread, Jack repaid the lord for his betrayal, launching a surprise attack and stealing the other cuff before it could be used by the lord to fight back against him.

With the power of both of the golden cuffs, Jack defeated all the knights that came for him, but the power he used went out of control as the curse took hold. The power was too much for a human’s body to contain, so it changed him into a fierce creature that was made of magic, a dragon.

The land around him changed as well, the natural ley lines of magic in the land exploding out in all directions and birthing all sorts of monsters from cracks in the earth. It was chaos, and those that could fled. It was a terrible night of horrors so great that survivors who witnessed the apocalyptic destruction dared not speak of it. Over time, the plants in this tainted land grew strange from the saturation of magic, and what few animals that braved to remain in this twisted land were changed as well. The land, once prosperous and full of smiles and laughter, became a dark and foreboding place where humans refused to linger long, for fear that they too would be cursed and forever changed.

Years passed, and with the survivors refusing to speak of what happened, all traces of what happened the night the kingdom fell were lost to history. The name of the country was lost as well. The place was only known as the dark woods now, named for its twisted features and the heavy clouds that covered the land and hid it from the sun. Speculation of its creation sprang up over the years, the details growing more fanciful from storyteller to storyteller until it became only myths. The closest to the truth was that the fae had regained the land and turned it wild, which, in a way, they had when a clever but desperate prince turned fool unleashed the fae’s curse that had long been kept at bay.

What happened to that foolish prince? The curse kept him bound to the heart of the land, making it nearly impossible for him to stray far from the castle where he unleashed the curse. The more he struggled to escape, the more ways the curse would manifest to bind him to the land, chains erupting from the ground to hold him, thorns of an unnatural, cold substance blotting out the sky, monsters birthing from the land to hold him back and inflict pain on him until he could no longer fight back.

Jack had become a powerful dragon, but his power came from the very curse that turned the land into his own personal hell. His body was warped, a scaled monster with wings and horns, terrifying to behold. Those who saw him would flee his presence, save for those that tried to slay the beast that legend has it is the heart of the curse.

The dragon of the dark woods, unnamed and feared by all, was known as the master of the dark woods, dangerous and cunning. Adventurers that dare risk going into the cursed land for its materials rich in magic are wary of the great and powerful beast. Its scales gleamed of fire, its eyes spoke of endless hunger, and its power was unmatched. None could hope to slay this beast, and all who tried all failed, for only the curse itself is more powerful than the beast it created.

Despite it all, Jack struggled to hold onto his humanity. He read every book in the castle, every scroll and scrap of paper, desperate to learn the way to undo this curse he unleashed. Naturally, this was difficult for him to do with giant claws, but unfortunately for the former prince, he had nothing but time to learn how to use his altered body.

As the world forgot about the lost prince, the sunny jester, and the awful day an entire kingdom fell along with the names of all three, Jack started to forget his humanity bit by bit. He didn’t learn how to break the curse, but he did learn of other magical artifacts that had been gathered in the castle long ago, including an enchanted belt that would allow him to change his form into whatever he pleased. He used it to become a “human,” but by that point he didn’t quite remember what he used to look like. The passing years eroded his memory of humanity, and he had gotten used to his imposing dragon body. The result was a form that was a mishmash of both, a humanoid man with scales, a tail, wings, claws on his hands and feet, pointed ears and fangs, with horns and blue hair.

Jack might have started to forget things over the years of solitude, but he was at least certain that he had blue hair when he was still human.

Funny enough, no matter how large or small Jack became thanks to the magic of the belt, the golden cuffs remained fastened to his wrists. The curse wouldn’t allow them to be removed, only warp in size and shape to match whatever form his body took. Even if he were to, say, transform into a copy of a different person to fool someone, his golden cuffs would give away the ruse.

When Jack learned how to transform back into a “human,” he went through the motions of being a human in his empty castle filled with riches that were all but useless to him. He wore clothes again, even learned how to alter the fancy clothes left behind to suit his tastes. He learned how to cook the strange plants and animals of this cursed land. He no longer had any need to eat due to the magic of the land sustaining his flesh, but food still tasted good, and there was some satisfaction to be had from creating something. He kept himself sane with what hobbies he could, learning new things, but he could never learn how he could free himself from his lonely hell.

The presence of adventurers into the heart of his land was both a blessing and a curse. It was rare that it happened, and in fact it was several years after the land changed that anyone dared to venture into the dark woods for fear of being cursed for doing so. It was years more before they found its master at the heart of the cursed land.

At first, Jack was elated. He tried his best to be friendly, overly so, desperate for company and help, but this was before he found the belt that made him at least passably human. It had been so long since he had been around another human that he hadn’t tried to speak, and with his draconic muzzle, all that came out were terrible growls and unholy noises. The adventurers that found him only saw a great horned beast with claws and fangs, another monster to slay for materials, riches, and acclaim.

Jack never wanted to kill anyone. He learned to fight when he had to, though he tried to avoid killing if he could. Unfortunately, when he unleashed the curse, people perished in the chaos, much to his dismay. Though he tried to approach these adventurers peacefully, he would not allow them to cause him further suffering. His power was so great that it was difficult to hold back, so the damage he could cause was severe. He would let those who fought him live if he could, allowing them to flee, but none saw this as a mercy. He became a nightmare spoken in hushed whispers, a challenge for adventurers to overcome, rather than a lost soul desperate to be free.

In a twisted way, over time Jack started to look forward to anyone brave enough to venture into the heart of the dark woods, even if the result was always violence. It was always a rare thing due to the intense danger of the dark woods. Certainly, they would always try to kill him, but at least he got to spend time with another human being! Being alone messes with a person’s mind, especially for such a long time. Humans are pack animals not meant for solitude.

Sometimes these adventurers would leave stuff behind, and Jack kept them. Dragons have an instinct to horde, and the castle is already filled with treasure. Plus they were reminders that humans were still out there and that someday, hopefully, he’d join them as one of them once again.

Jack tried his best to learn how to talk with his new body, to sound friendly instead of fierce. Unfortunately, oftentimes he found himself getting the opposite result, the words coming out of his muzzle sounding strange and uncanny, which only added to the nightmarish legend of the master of the dark woods.

Every encounter with Jack was a battle more fierce than the last, and the dragon’s legend only grew. His attempts to follow after the humans who fled from him led to the land itself stopping him, and others would be caught in the crossfire. To Jack, the humans that came to visit him were his only hope, and he would struggle harder against the curse to escape, to be with them. This made the curse fight back even harder in more brutal ways, summoning worse monsters. Soon the heart of the dark woods was known as a hellish place, where the land itself would turn against you if you tried to escape its brutal master that hunted you relentlessly.

Over the years, humans adapted, as they often do. Adventurers learned to stick with the outer fringes of the dark woods to harvest materials. It was the least dangerous, relatively speaking, and what could be gained deeper in was not worth the cost, especially if they strayed to the heart of the land where its terrible master lay in wait for any poor soul to enter.

It’s been a long, long time since Jack has seen another human, and he’s slowly going insane from solitude. He does what he can to distract himself or escape, trying desperately to hold onto his humanity, but it erodes bit by bit with each passing year. Even gaining the ability to transform into a “human” form hasn’t stopped his ever steady decline into madness. He fears that one day he might lose his humanity completely and become the mindless monster that those who fought him believed him to be.

Perhaps all that Jack and the dark woods need to heal is a little bit of sunshine.

Beyond the Dark Woods

Outside the fringes of the cursed land, time marched on. Years went by, rulers came and went, borders changed as land was annexed or reverted to wilderness. A lot can happen over the decades, especially in a fantasy world filled with magic, monsters, and mischievous fae.

How long Jack was trapped alone in the dark woods is a mystery. Maybe it’s 40 years, or perhaps a lot longer than that.

Regardless, the homeland that once had a lost prince named Joseph is still around, a relatively stable country all things considered. In fact, it had grown over the years thanks to annexing land from other countries that had been weakened by the results of the curse. Monsters often wandered out of the dark woods, putting nearby villages in danger and impressing the need for more adventurers to cull the monsters that threatened human life. What was once a kingdom had grown into an empire, growing prosperous with its many strong knights and adventurers, though like any place, it had its own share of problems.

But enough politics, let’s get into the other characters, shall we?

MC is a knight, as demonstrated by the lovely Thea in Mars’ art. Well… they aspire to be a knight anyway. Bullshit politics have kept them as a squire to a knight of higher nobility since they were a teenager. It’s been over 10 years already! How much longer do they have to wait to become a knight? They’re sick of having to polish and shine Barry’s armor, and if they have to scrub his codpiece one more time…

Yup, Barry is a knight in this AU, though only technically. Nobility sometimes get granted a knight title for some reason or another, usually as a token to honor them and/or their families. These nobles usually  were just knights in name only, parading around as if they’re this grand figure when other knights did the real battling. They can play the hero without ever actually having to go into battle and send squires to do the menial work for them.

In a sense, Barry is a rich man who bought a title because it was cool, and he makes a big show of it. It’s pretty much a vanity project, and a way to increase his clout to maybe move up in the ranks of nobility. He has MC announce his presence grandly, something just as over the top as the greeting to Yogurtopia. Perhaps something like… “Announcing the great, honorable, and very handsome and still very single and looking for a bride, Sir Barry of [insert surname here].” Or something like that, maybe with his noble title thrown in there for good measure. Maybe he could insist his squire plays a horn first…

Man, even with a proclamation heralding Barry wherever he goes, no one is interested in him. He hasn’t had a date in way too long. Maybe he needs his armor to be polished a little brighter.

While MC isn’t Barry’s only squire, they are the one often left doing the work, as other squires slack off or wind up getting elevated to knight despite being younger than MC is. It’s understandably really, really frustrating for MC. They come from a lesser noble house, just barely above a commoner, so they’re an easy mark for any higher ranked noble to rub the power difference in their face.

Really, it’s all enough to make MC consider quitting to become an adventurer. Sure, adventurers are basically mercenaries for hire at the guild and the jobs can be infrequent, and money can be hard to come by, but… Ah, who are they kidding? The squire job might suck, but at least they get the security of steady pay, regular meals, a place to sleep, mild prestige, and they don’t have to go camping in the woods for days on end hunting some specific monster or harvesting a certain number of rare herbs.

Besides, MC admires the knights (aside from Barry). Their best friend became a knight a few years ago, lucky dog. Still, Shaun didn’t rub it in their face like the pal he is. Shaun looks so regal in his shiny silvery armor, even having it adorned with pretty badass etchings and other decorations. There’s a very feline feeling to it as well, since cat daddy has to be cat knight in this AU. Hey, I don’t make the rules.

…Oh, wait. :3c

Anyway, the other knights can be pretty cool as well. There’s this one knight who has been friendly, though MC doesn’t know his name yet. The guy acts strangely shy when they’re around, which is confusing to them. They’re just a squire after all, not a cool knight in studded leather armor like him.

Poor Nick has a crush on MC in this universe too and is pretty tongue tied around them. MC might still be a squire, but there’s just something about them that lights up a room. Their spirit isn’t crushed despite the fact that they should’ve been a knight years ago. He envies how easily Sir Shaun can chat with them.

Of course, Shaun is in the same boat as Nick, in that he also has a crush on MC and can be pretty clumsy with how he tries to express it. Still, in spite of this, he would have tried to see if they could be something more if not for a certain scandal that happened.

The reason why MC is still a squire, or at least one of the biggest reasons, is because of rumors that they were the secret lover of Prince Ian, the current heir to the throne.

Of course, given that MC is barely above a commoner, the idea of them getting together with the crown prince is scandalous. They got to know each other as children, with MC serving as a page to play with the young prince. When the queen caught wind that the prince saw them as anything more than a playmate in their teen years, their relationship got exceedingly strained.

Ian is in love with MC, and they felt the same, at least at one point. All the time they spent together while growing up led to fondness, then sweet first love. Unfortunately, they knew early on how their different stations meant that the chances of them being together were almost non-existent. This led to a lot of mutual pining, moments where they were tempted to act on their feelings, and some secret encounters between the two.

In spite of the queen’s interference separating them, MC and Ian saw each other in secret as much as they could. They started a forbidden romance together, and the two of them convinced themselves that maybe, somehow, they could defy the odds.

But the weight of the crown hangs heavy on the head. As Ian was swept up in his duties and the time he would be crowned as king drew ever closer, he had less and less time to spend with MC. His mother’s interference certainly didn’t help, especially since she was trying to get him engaged to a high ranked noble woman to ensure that he would be able to sire the next generation of royalty.

While yes this fantasy world is far more open with gender expression and loving others regardless of gender, nobles tend to be uptight when it comes to making sure their bloodline and power continues. Plus Ian’s mom is still abusive and controlling of her son in this universe too, and she uses not only religion to bully Ian but politics and duty as well. As queen, she has a lot more power too, and a lot more flying monkeys to spy on her son and interfere.

In a way, it’s lucky that the queen hasn’t decided that MC is a threat that must be entirely eliminated at all costs. No assassination plots… yet. Mostly it’s interference and petty revenge by forcing MC to remain a squire instead of a knight. She could throw MC out, but then how can she occasionally be petty if MC never comes to the palace? MC might be Barry’s squire, but everyone follows the queen’s orders, and a narcissist needs attention and others to bow down to them.

Unfortunately, the queen’s schemes did succeed. Ian, in a moment of weakness, fell for the seductive charms of one of his potential fiancees. He felt awful for betraying MC, to the point that he had to see them despite the risk of his mother catching them, so that he could confess what he had done and beg for forgiveness.

MC’s heart was broken, but what was worse was that it became a huge scandal. Someone had seen Ian’s confession and begging, and soon word spread like wildfire. Now everyone knew that they had secretly been lovers and that the prince was begging a mere squire for forgiveness. Ian’s reputation took a hit, while MC’s outright tanked due to the scandal, and things became much harder for them, and people have been keeping their distance from the squire that dared think they could become a future king’s consort.

Since then, MC has kept their distance from Ian as much as possible, and Ian, reluctantly, has given them space, knowing that he’s messed everything up for them. But… when he’s king, not even his mother will be able to stop them from being together. When he’s king, he’ll be able to fix everything. He just has to do what he can to make sure that happens. Then he and MC can finally be together in the open, stations be damned! Then he can truly make amends and be forgiven for what he’s done.

Shaun was there to support MC with their broken heart. While his becoming a knight has put a bit of distance between them, as he has more duties to attend to, including being sent away on missions for the country, he makes sure to keep in touch and meet up with them as best he can. Anyone who dares to say a bad word about MC in front of him is getting this cat’s claws.

Nick is no stranger to scandals. He’s basically the most popular knight in the realm, with countless admirers. Perhaps they could offer MC a word or two on how to deal with so much unwanted attention and rumors rumbling in the background.

A Squire’s Quest

Now, how does Jack factor into MC’s life without a compelling VHS tape to tie them together? Well, the instigating factor in this universe is that a thief made off with an important treasure, and Barry the knight was tasked with retrieving it. As Barry’s squire, MC was compelled to come with him to assist, which usually meant doing 99% of the work if there were no other squires with them at the time with Barry taking all the credit. But don’t worry, he only does it because he knows they’ll do a good job at it, and it just shows that they’re one step closer to becoming a true knight!

After traveling quite a ways, tracking down the thief (with MC doing most of the work picking up the trail in the first place), the pair realize that the thief went into the infamous dark woods.

Well, that’s not good. Sure there are areas that have been explored for materials, but still… the cursed land is quite dangerous. Barry decided that the best way to divide the work is for MC to continue to follow the thief’s trail, as they were better at tracking, and he, being much better at supervising and dealing with people, would see if anyone nearby could get information about what the thief might have been after, maybe set up a trap that MC could chase the thief into.

MC had to seriously consider their life choices up until this point, but if they quit now, that meant kissing goodbye to the stability they had going for them. Also, it’d probably bring dishonor to their name, maybe damage their lineage permanently, and so on and so forth.

Well, if they quit to become an adventurer, they’d have to do stupid things like trek through the dark woods anyway. Besides, the thief already stole a national treasure, which meant they weren’t stupid enough to go hunting for the invincible dragon guarding the heart of the forest, right? Sure there’s rumors that maybe the dragon guards the greatest treasure of all, but no way the thief is that dumb. No one’s actually ever seen any real treasure, or have a consensus on what the supposed greatest treasure is actually supposed to be.

After a hard internal debate, MC ultimately decides to brave the dark woods, tracking the thief stealthily. They may only be a squire, but they would probably be the greatest knight in the kingdom if not for politics. Their exact combat style is up to interpretation and personal preference, but they’re no stranger to slaying powerful monsters. They’re also used to Barry giving them unreasonable demands like this one.

And, hey, at least they’re not mortifying themselves by singing Barry’s praises when he enters a room while they’re busy with this stupid quest. That’s got to count for something, right?

Right?

Yeeeahh, okay, MC is obviously just lying to themselves and they know it, but damned if they do, damned if they don’t. They swear to themselves that they’ll only go as far as the hunting expeditions usually travel into the forest. If the thief really is stupid enough to go to the dragon’s lair, MC will just circle back and just tell Barry that the dragon probably just killed the thief, or something. No way they’re going to risk getting eaten by an unstoppable dragon.

These thoughts are a small comfort  as MC follows the thief’s trail. Occasionally they have to fight magic-tainted plants or monsters. Their skill shines despite the dark gloom of cursed woods. They even get some nice materials they can sell for some extra cash. Maybe being an adventurer wouldn’t be too bad a gig after all…

Just then the loud noise breaks the eerie calm. Some sort of explosion. Magic? Fireworks? Regardless of what it was, it riled up something. That something is big, nasty, and charging right at them! In fact, it’s a lot of somethings! A pack of creatures got aggravated, and MC is forced to run!

Now, was this a natural occurrence? A bit of misfortune? Did the thief make a false trail to trick MC into going on ahead while they secretly doubled back and used a small explosion to make the monsters go nuts on MC while they used the commotion as a cover to make their escape?

Perhaps. Perhaps. MC certainly isn’t in a situation to figure out which of these possibilities it was at the moment though, as they’re too busy running for their life, inwardly cursing Barry, the queen, the thief, and anyone else that annoyed them lately. If they knew they would die today, they wouldn’t have held back last week when that one jerk stole their cinnamon roll. They would’ve at least had the satisfaction of telling them off for it!

Sarcasm and sass are a good way to cope, but MC knows full well the gravity of their situation. They quickly lose the trail back the way they came, forced to do battle with creatures that are in their path while avoiding being overwhelmed by being so outnumbered. It’s only through a mixture of skill and sheer dumb luck that they manage to survive.

And by dumb luck, I mean that they fell into a catacomb through a ruined ceiling that was keeping it hidden underground.

Well, shit. From bad to worse, right?

Nothing for it, MC is forced to find a way out of the catacombs, then somehow find a way to leave the dark woods without another group of monsters going aggro on them.

Piece of cake. Noooo problem. They just have to avoid the castle at the center of the dark woods that the dragon supposedly uses as its lair, and they’re fine. An old crypt with some undead ready to pop out is better than an unstoppable dragon. Right?

As you may have guessed, MC is, in fact, going in the direction of our lonely dragon prince. Is it just bad luck? Is it some sort of intuition or instinct drawing them to Jack? Are they bound together by fate? Is it some sort of spell Jack has cast that compels humans to seek him out because it’s been forever since a human came by, and he’s desperate for both company and freedom? Maybe some combination of these things or something else entirely. Who’s to say~? It’s up to interpretation/personal headcanon~

In any case, MC is very taken aback when they meet Jack face to face for the first time, as is Jack really. It’s been so long since he’s seen someone. A part of him wonders if MC is actually real. When they get defensive and try to figure out who or what he is, he does his best to placate them, even if they might have their weapon out and ready for battle.

Jack puts his best foot forward, being friendly and welcoming. He invites MC to his home. They look exhausted and like they’ve had a hard time. MC isn’t exactly trusting this at face value, being very guarded about the whole exchange despite how cheerful and friendly this man with wings and horns is being. He’s also getting dangerously close. Should they try to use their weapon to ward him off, like Thea might have done with her sword, Jack is skilled enough in combat by this point to easily redirect her sword with his claws.

Oops, that put Thea off balance. Don’t worry, her new pal Jack is quick to catch her before she takes a tumble.

“Careful, we wouldn’t want you getting hurt, would we?” Jack said, his tone playful.

Despite MC’s skills, they are hopelessly outmatched by Jack. He has far more experience with combat, and he has the insane powers that the curse granted him.

Of course, MC is pretty quick to put together that Jack is the invincible dragon that rules the dark woods, which means that they’re utterly screwed. Strangely enough, Jack isn’t really acting like the monster people whisper about. It’s almost enough to make MC wonder if they aren’t mistaken, but the dragon features and his overwhelming strength kind of gives it away. The fact that Jack brings MC back to his castle pretty much seals the deal.

So MC is stuck as a guest with Jack. The dark woods are too dangerous for humans to wander around alone, especially at the heart of the forest. He’s curious about MC and why they would take such a risk, very concerned by their recklessness. Why were they there?

It’s an awkward situation, but MC has no choice but to play along. How much they resist or comply depends on the MC. I figure Jack indulges even a very resistant MC due to how lonely he’s been. He can easily disarm any attempts to attack him or thwart them from getting away, so they pose no threat. He has all the time in the world to convince MC to lower their guard.

And Jack is just so… so nice. It’s hard not to find him charming. He seems so concerned about MC, and they’ve been having such a hard time with, well… everything. The castle, despite being old, has been maintained decently well. The rooms are decorated so nicely, filled with clothes for them to wear, and the food Jack makes is fantastic. Holy crap, his cooking is out of this world!

Really, the longer MC stays there, the more it seems like there’s nothing Jack can’t do, and their stay is kind of like a vacation in ways. Given how much time he’s had to teach himself new things, it’s no wonder he has become something of a jack-of-all-trades.

I make no apologies for that pun.

Here then comes the classic conundrum when it comes to Jack - does MC fall for his charms, or remain suspicious and hold him at arm’s length? They’ve been feeling pretty lonely and beaten down by life for a while now, and Jack seems almost too good to be true. It’s not like he’s keeping them captive, but they’re in the heart of the dark woods. Outside this castle are some of the worst, most dangerous monsters imaginable. Jack can protect MC if they stay there in the castle with him, but he can’t go very far from the castle, so he can’t help them leave the woods. That is why he’s keeping them from leaving the castle. You know, aside from not wanting to lose the only company he’s had in so many years.

Jack is right about the danger, unfortunately. Whether MC tries to slip away from the castle or just scopes out the surroundings via a window, they find that it’s surrounded by monsters far too dangerous for them to handle alone. There’s no way they could make it, and if they tried, they’d only survive thanks to Jack coming to their rescue.

Of course, Jack acknowledges that MC is powerful. He saw them try to attack him if he did, or he just can tell in simply because they made it all this way on their own. It’s just, well, there’s only so much anyone can do on their own. Sometimes we all need a friend to help us out.

If Jack could leave, then he could help MC leave too, but he’s stuck in the castle. He’s been there for such a long, long time.

Whether his tragic plight is enough to make MC sympathize is, of course, up to the individual. I do know my gal Alice is going to want to help him after hearing him out. Being trapped in this awful place by a curse is a fate she wouldn’t wish on anybody.

Not to mention helping Jack would help MC leave the dark woods. There’s no threat he can’t handle after all. They’d be getting their own personal dragon bodyguard.

Perhaps with a pair of fresh eyes and more knowledge of the state of the world, MC will have better luck figuring out how to free Jack from the curse. Maybe they’ll just play along to not upset their super powerful host so they can escape. It would certainly take time for MC to really trust Jack, even if he seems so friendly and kind… and, they have to admit, this place is lonely and very unsettling for anyone to stay in, even if Jack has tried his best to make it look nice. It’s certainly creepy to be alone here in the heart of the dark woods. The castle is better than the woods full of monsters, but still…

Anyway, the interactions between MC and Jack are up to the individual to decide. Romance the dragon, or flee from the dragon in the end. Being stuck together can bring a sort of fondness, and Jack falls in love. It makes him determined to never lose MC, ever, so he falls down the yandere path, which can lead to some pretty obsessive moments depending on the choices made.

As for the alternate love interests, after Ian receives word that MC disappeared in the dark woods, he sends knights on a quest to find and rescue them, despite the queen’s interference. This of course includes Shaun and Nick, who are the first to volunteer for the rescue mission. Despite the queen’s meddling, not wanting to waste manpower on a thorn in her side, Ian finally takes a stand against his mother for the sake of MC and their love, and the expedition is sent.

Unbeknownst to the knights, Ian sneaks along with them in disguise. He can’t just sit back and wait while MC is in danger. He can’t let them down a second time. He’ll prove to them, and himself, that he’s truly worthy of their love.

From there it’s trials and tribulations of the guys trying to rescue MC from the dragon… provided that MC still wants to be rescued by the time the guys reach the castle.

Really, in order for all of the love interests to spend time with MC and interact, perhaps Jack will be brought back with them somehow, like he found a loophole in the curse or a way to bind him to MC. That way, Jack can leave the forest, so long as it’s with MC, with the added bonus that he can’t stay too far away from his sunshine. It’d create something of a dynamic similar to the game, only in this case everyone can see Jack and learn that he’s an incredibly dangerous dragon that has the power to kill all of them if he so chooses. Not that he would ever! He’s MC’s best friend after all. He just wants to protect his sunshine.

Though chances are MC will want to hide the whole “dragon” thing if they decide to leave with Jack. Maybe coach him on how to better pass for a human. Best not to scare people, am I right?

Or this AU could just stick in the castle where MC chooses to either romance the dragon or flee the dragon. I know which one Alice is going to choose, regardless if they stay in the castle or go back to civilization.

On that note, let’s get to the part that I suspect you’ve all been really waiting for.

(S)laying the Dragon

With Jack being a mythical creature, that offers possibilities for a very kinky fun time. There’s his obvious features like his sharp teeth and claws, but there’s also those long pointy ears that are perfect for nibbling, and maybe offering a bit of emotional expression in the way they tilt. Then, of course, there’s the tail and wings, perfect to wrap around his sunshine. He’s got even more limbs to hold them close!

Now… dragon anatomy is pretty much whatever we want it to be. Bad Dragon has the name for a reason after all. Want dragons to have two dicks similar to snakes? Go for it. He could still have that while he’s in his “human” form too. In fact, with a belt that allows him to change his shape, he could alter himself in very fun ways. A funky fantasy dick with ridges and/or bumps? Perhaps some tentacles anybody?

I mean, Jack has been alone for a long, long time. He’s only had himself to entertain and experiment with. He might have some very kinky tricks that no one has ever tried before.

To be fair, the tail is probably prehensile, so it might be able to be used like a tentacle for sexy times. He might not even need a second dick to plug up all of MC’s holes at once.

Dragons tend to have long tongues, so french kissing Jack is going to be intense, especially if it’s forked too. Then of course there’s oral. Naturally, he’ll be careful with those sharp teeth of his. Well, unless MC is into something a little rougher. Jack doesn’t want to hurt his sunshine (humans are so fragile after all), but if they like a little pain, well, their good old pal Jack will oblige them!

In my personal fantasy headcanons, pointy ears and the base of wings and tails are sensitive erogenous zones. Nibble on Jack’s ears, please! Preen his wings and make him feel loved and cared for. Rub at the base of his tail, and he’ll get hard instantly.

The scales might be harder than armor, but they’re nice and smooth, and have a nice feel. Jack has some control on just how hard or soft his body is at a time due to the belt’s power. Unless otherwise requested, Jack is very gentle with his sunshine, worried about going too rough due to how easy it was for him to hurt others.

Of course… Jack is also so desperately lonely and horny. MC’s presence has been his only bright spot in so long, and he loves them so much. When they love him too… well, it was already so hard for him to hold himself back. It wouldn’t be that difficult to rile him up and make him start to lose control, struggling to hold back his power even as he tosses MC around and takes them.

Naturally, many of my personal sexy headcanons for Jack apply in this AU. This includes a breeding/seeding kink. It’s a bit more pronounced here. If MC has his child then they’ll never ever leave him after all, and they’ll be bound together forever and ever and ever. Even if a child is off the table, the act of breeding/seeding alone is enticing, making them beg him to take them and fill them up with his hot cum is something that he fantasizes about often.

Of course, Jack doesn’t simply want sex with MC, he wants to make love. They make him feel truly loved for the first time in forever. Did he ever feel so loved before? He wants to experience their love in every way he can, fill them up with it until he’s a part of them forever.

Jack won’t ever force his sunshine, no matter how desperate he is for their love or to make love. He’ll go crazy with need, but always hold himself back if they need him to. As long as they love him, he can take care of himself sexually like he always has. He’s just been so empty, alone, and unloved for so long. MC fills them up with love in a way that he can’t live without anymore.

Naturally, when the pair do start making love, Jack can’t get enough, and his stamina is insane. MC is without a doubt going to be the one passing out first after they’ve been fucked senseless with Jack thrusting inside them, babbling how much he loves them and how good they make him feel. The more they go on, the more feral for their love Jack becomes. He’s needed his sunshine so, so badly, and now that he has them and their love, he can’t live without them anymore.

Of course, with a dragon AU and a shapeshifting ability, you can get really creative. For one thing there’s his full dragon form, which would be a giant compared to MC. Size difference anyone? Plus the exact details of how Jack looks in his dragon form could offer interesting possibilities of its own.

Then of course there’s even more furry-related kinks like oviposition or stuff like that. It's not for me personally, but I can imagine Jack would be open to experimentation and indulging in MC’s kinks, even the more outrageous ones. After all, it’s all just more ways to show just how much he loves his sunshine~

You best believe Jack has a predplay kink in this universe. He can smell MC and track them down easily. If that doesn’t work, there’s all sorts of magic he’s learned over the years that can do the trick. Of course he doesn’t want to scare MC, but when it’s good fun, it can lead to a delightfully spicy time~

While I’m on the topic of Jack smelling MC, he is addicted to their scent. The smell of their pheromones easily riles him up, practically sending him into rut like an alpha from Omegaverse!

Naturally, since Jack is a dragon, he has a horde. The castle was loaded with treasure, and it is pretty and shiny. It looks nice all piled together, maybe even neatly decorated. No doubt he’ll want to make love to his sunshine atop a pile of shiny gold coins and jewels, though he’ll make sure that he’s on the bottom so they don’t get jabbed by the hard edges… unless they’d like that, of course.

Of course, the true treasure Jack is hoarding in his lair would be MC. Gold and jewels are nice, but they don’t hold a candle to the love of his sunshine~

Wow. I think this is the longest headcanon post I’ve ever made while sticking with neutral MCs for the most part. I think I’m long overdue to shamelessly self-indulge with my OTP. Let’s see how Alice’s choices will affect this AU and how events unfold, shall we?

Lady Alice of House Rose

Naturally, Alice can’t have the surname of King in a setting like this, so I’m going to use her middle name as the house name.

Fun fact, Rose is the middle name for Barbie and Coraline too!

Yes, that means Barbie’s full name is Barbara Anne Rose King.

Yes. Yes, that pun was indeed intentional.

No, I will not apologize. Her name was picked to be a pun in the first place after all. ;3

Anyway, back to Alice. Being the eldest child, she has the responsibility to elevate the status of her household. Not only are they barely nobility, but their finances aren’t in the best shape. She needs money to help her family, and the honor of being a knight in hopes of gaining a better title.

It’s a shame that the queen doesn’t care for Alice and she’s been stuck as a squire way longer than is reasonable.

Alice knew that it would be impossible for her to marry a prince like Ian, no matter how kind he was, or how close they were. She couldn’t avoid falling for him though. It made her more determined to earn a better title, to make something of herself and earn acclaim. Maybe if she became the greatest knight in the kingdom, maybe she can prove herself worthy of royal consort and be with Ian as his wife one day.

Alice busted her ass trying to be a knight despite all the rough training and being forced to work menial, often degrading tasks as a squire. The weapons she specializes in are the bow and magic, combining the two to devastating effect. She’s also very good at keeping quiet and being stealthy.

In this universe, Alice never had sex with Ian. Although this fantasy setting is more open about sex before marriage, the gap between her and Ian was so wide, she didn’t want to risk doing anything that might ruin their chances of being together. That’s why finding out he cheated broke her heart, regardless of them being physically intimate together. Worse, his outburst when he begged her for forgiveness made it sound like they had been sleeping together to those who overheard, and the rumors were very unkind to the two of them, Alice especially.

Ian cheating proved to Alice that she was only fooling herself that they could be together. Their worlds were too far apart. Ian was to be king someday and she… well, maybe she’ll reach the title of Baroness. Though Ian begged for forgiveness, and Alice gave it to him, she couldn’t go back to the way they were. Advice from Shaun and others helped her see that it was best for everyone involved that she simply remain as the loyal (future) knight and Prince Ian as only her liege.

Let’s skip ahead to the mission to catch the thief in the dark woods. Alice’s best means of combat is the stealth kill. She sneaks quietly, sets up magic traps, fires arrows when the enemy is unaware, and in general takes her time to take her enemy at her own advantage. She actually works pretty well as a solo fighter due to being so stealthy. Though she is good at hand to hand combat if need be, she prefers to strike before her enemy realizes she’s there, and she’s amazing at her skills. Why, if she put her mind to it, she could be a skilled assassin. (Or in another world, a sniper.)

The horde of monsters the thief set off to charge after Alice was almost her undoing. By the time she fell into the catacombs, she passed out from exhaustion, having drained her mana dry. She might have been doomed if a monster came upon her then, but fortunately the master of the dark woods found her in time.

Alice was pretty darn shocked to wake up in a surprisingly fluffy bed, with her armor removed. Not all of it fortunately. She had her modesty protected and her softer clothes still on, but the uncomfortable hard outer plates were removed so that she could sleep peacefully. Jack was apologetic about removing any part of her clothes without asking, even blushing about it, but he didn’t want her to be uncomfortable while she recovered.

Needless to say, Alice is wary of Jack at first, but he did save her life. She does piece together that he’s the dragon pretty quickly and is naturally wary, deciding that the best course of action is to rest up, heal, and carefully get information from the legendary master of the dark woods.

The rumors and legends are so varied, it’s hard to know what exactly is the truth. The dragon of the dark woods doesn’t even have a name, and some of the tales are clearly exaggerations. Since Jack is showing himself to be surprisingly friendly, and he saved Alice from certain death, she decided to trust him… at least enough to remain civil and learn more about him, the castle, and the dark woods.

After asking many questions and getting as much information as Jack can give her (though much of it is confusing due to how rusty he is with socializing), Alice agrees to help him find a way to break his curse. She’s taking a risk, but if she leaves the castle on her own, she’ll die. If she stays, she can keep an eye on Jack to see if he’s really as good and gentle as he presents himself to be. If she has to, she’ll find a way to escape without him if she gets the sense that he’s using her to escape the forest in order to conquer the world or something.

Being very good at sneaking, Alice does slip away to search around the castle for answers on her own as much as possible. However, Jack can’t stand the idea of losing track of her, and all it took was one time of losing track of her for him to leave a magic tracker on her discreetly so he can find her wherever she goes - for her own safety of course! He can’t stand to be far from her. He has to give her time to herself, since if he leaves her with no privacy she won’t trust him, but it’s so hard to stay away. He’s so lonely.

At first Jack’s feelings for Alice are platonic, just a lonely man in desperate need of friendship, but over the time they spend together, getting to know one another, he falls in love and falls hard. Alice, naturally, takes much longer to fall after her relationship with Ian fell apart. At first, Jack is someone she can’t quite trust because he’s a stranger, then she is cautious because he’s a powerful dragon with many unflattering legends about the monster that he is, then it’s concern for the power imbalance between them… but eventually she sees that he’s just a lonely, sweet dork who just wants a friend.

Of course, Alice won’t realize he wants much more than friendship until later. Jack doesn’t want to scare her away after all.

I don’t think Shaun, Nick, and Ian are just going to sit back and wait long to try and find her, but I want to give Alice and Jack plenty of alone time, so I’m going to go with the idea that when humans come deep into the heart of the woods, at first Jack is excited. More friends! Then he becomes fearful when he realizes they’re looking for Alice. They want to take his sunshine away. She’ll leave him, forever!

Well, that won’t do. Jack doesn’t want to hurt them, but he can just make it difficult to find the castle. Maybe use the power of the cursed land to rearrange the forest when the search party isn’t looking, mix them up so that they find themselves suddenly outside the woods. Jack might not be able to leave due to the curse, but he’s not known as master of the dark woods for nothing. He can wield the golden cuffs’ power however he likes, just he can never leave.

Jack just needs to divert them long enough that they give up and leave, or he can find a way to escape with his sunshine’s help. Alice knows many interesting spells, being very creative with magic in ways that he never thought of before, and she knows of things that he doesn’t due to coming from outside the woods. With her help, he is able to figure out a way to free himself from his imprisonment… provided that he remains close to his sunshine. It’s more of a change in the curse than an actual cure for it, but it’s a vast improvement! He can leave the dark woods! Finally! At long last! He can converse with more people! He can make friends! He won’t have to be left alone and forgotten in the dark anymore!

Of course, Alice helps Jack prepare to be around people by helping him refine his “human” form. People aren’t going to understand that the deadly dragon of the dark woods is really just a sweet marshmallow, practically a giant cuddly puppy in human-ish form! When Jack can master looking properly human, they can come up with a cover story that he was a wanderer that found her lost in the woods and helped her until she could get back home. It’s not a lie technically. He used to be a wanderer after all, and everything else is true. He’s been nothing but helpful to his sunshine~

So Alice has to hide the secret of her new dragon friend, who has made it his mission to win her heart. Jack is willing to wait for her to be ready to love him the way that he loves her, even if the wait drives him crazy, but he’s very territorial, not liking the way the other guys look at her. However, Alice does notice his more possessive behaviors even as he tries to remain subtle about them, and she makes sure to keep her new “pet” dragon on a tight leash. Jack is fine with that so long as it means he’ll stay close to his sunshine.

I’m going to say that the change to the curse to bind them together does cause an empathy connection because I really love empath magic. Plus, allowing the pair to feel each other’s emotions and even pleasure and pain is very intimate. When Alice realizes they now can sense each other’s pain as a result of what she did, Jack makes it clear that he’ll do whatever it takes to keep her safe so that she won’t have to experience any pain. He’ll promises to protect her for the rest of his life.

Of course, such a declaration leaves Alice feeling rather flustered. ;3

Overall, it is a bit more of a slow burn than Sunshine in Hell, but eventually the two of them fall in love, much to the dismay of the rest of the male leads.

Naturally love will overcome the curse, because I am an absolute sucker for happy endings. Jack and Alice will find a way to break the curse and remain together so they can live happily ever after. And make love like rabbits hopped up on viagra.

No, I won’t apologize for that pun either.

It won’t come too easily, of course. There’s plenty of people who aren’t going to be keen to immediately trust Jack, and not just the male leads. He came from out of nowhere, with no known background. Alice’s family is certainly going to be concerned by the stranger that waltzed into her life after her heart was already broken by Ian, especially since by the time they meet Jack, she’s already shown signs of crushing on him. The family is going to need to make sure that this new guy is worth potential heartbreak.

Then of course there’s the whole political aspect of things. This country used to be the very kingdom that Joseph was chased out of many, many years ago. The lost prince is a story that could be uncovered to potentially explosive results.

Why, if Jack had the mind to, he could take back the throne and rule the kingdom that once chased him away… with his sunshine ruling by his side after all.

Will that happen with Alice? Maybe. Maybe she’ll actually become a queen after all, or maybe she’ll just live a simple life with Jack who doesn’t let on that he’s powerful enough to level the whole kingdom. After all, all he truly wants is to be loved, and Alice is sure to give Jack all the love he could ever ask for.

Perhaps that love will wind up with a lot of adorable half-dragon babies running around. Though they could be fully human if Jack does become a human after the curse breaks. I kind of like the idea that Jack is freed of the curse, but he is still a powerful dragon and can still use the belt to have fun with his shape. Plus baby dragons are the cutest and the idea of Jack and Alice’s kids being little dragons with tiny wings and cute pointy ears heals my soul.

…Holy crap this ramble went on for 26 pages. That’s over 11,000 words according to google doc! This must be my longest ramble yet, and that’s saying something! Well, I suppose that’s what happens when a dragon lover makes a dragon AU, haha. Fantasy has always been my jam, and I love playing with magical elements.

Anyway, I’m going to take that as a cue to wrap things up here for now. Let me know what you think about this AU and if you want to hear more about anything in particular. Also, let me know if this post inspires you to create anything of your own and please share it with me! I love it that we can inspire one another to create in this fandom, just like Mars’ lovely art inspired me. I hope I’ve given you a few new fun ideas to play with. Thanks for reading this far!

@channydraws @earthgirlaesthetic @sai-of-the-7-stars @cheriihoney @illary-kore @okamiliqueur

[itneverendshere]

played me like a clarinet - rafe cameron

request: "Desperately-on my knees-begging for a ''She's all that'' from 1999, with Popular Rafe x Reader. Ooouff, and you want that soul crushing heartbreak when she finds out about the bet he had made"

pairing: rafe x smart!nerdy!reader

warnings: angst <3; VERY LONG

wrote this listening to roses <3

Rafe Cameron held grudges better than anyone and his ex was about to witness exactly that. 

Fucking Jessica Green liked to think of herself as the queen of their university, the epitome of beauty and popularity. Some real high school bullshit he only fed because he liked her. And then, she went and dumped him for none other than Tyler West, the star player of his rival basketball team. Technically, she cheated on him, sneaking around with that piece of shit behind his back. 

The humiliation was killing him. 

Rafe wasn't one to take such things lying down; he wanted revenge, and he wanted it badly. He wanted to ruin her life. It wasn’t just enough to ruin her reputation—he wanted to hit her where it hurt the most. And what would hurt more than being replaced? Not just by any girl, but by someone who was everything she wasn’t. It was a genius idea, really. To prove that some loser could easily take her place, with a little help of course.

And that’s when he noticed you.

Kelce pointed you out actually, when they were six beers in and too fucking drunk to think clearly. But it was still a good choice.

You were the complete opposite of his ex, blending into the crowds like it was your superpower. He watched you for an entire hour at the party. You didn’t utter a single word the entire time you were there, only nursing your drink and listening to the other girls on the cheerleading squad speak.

Hell, he didn’t even know you were a cheerleader until that night. 

Were you always there? How had he never noticed you before? It was hard to remember when all he focused on up until then was Jessica. 

You were practically invisible in comparison to her, always on the sidelines, blending into the background. 

You were perfect.

If he could take this overlooked, nerdy girl and turn her into the new queen of the university, it would be the ultimate blow to Jessica's ego. It would prove that she wasn’t as irreplaceable as she thought. 

“You really gonna do it?”

He didn’t take his eyes off you, “Oh yeah. ‘M doing it.”

“Nahh, there’s no way you’re pulling this off.”

Rafe leaned back in his chair, a cocky grin tugging at the corner of his mouth. Kelce’s skepticism was exactly what he expected, and honestly, it made the challenge even sweeter.

 “You think so?” he said, his tone light but with an edge of determination. “Watch me.”

Kelce, always the instigator, leaned forward with a smirk. “Come on, Cameron. You really think you can turn that quiet little thing into the next Jessica? She’s cute, I guess, in that nerdy way, but she’s not queen material.”

Rafe’s eyes narrowed slightly, but he kept his cool. “She’s got potential,” he said confidently. “Just needs someone to show her how to use it.”

Topper laughed, shaking his head. “You’re insane. This isn’t some movie where the shy girl takes off her glasses and suddenly she’s hot. Jessica had something that can’t be taught.”

“That’s where you’re wrong,” Rafe pointed out, “It’s all about confidence man. Jessica wasn’t born the way she is now. She learned how to act the part, and I can do the same with her.”

Like a school project, he thought to himself. That’s all you were. 

Kelce took a swig of his drink, clearly enjoying where the conversation was going. “Alright, I’ll bite. How much time are we talking here? Because she’s got a long way to go, my guy.”

Rafe tilted his head, considering. “Give me two months. By the end of it, she’ll be turning heads. Maybe even more.”

Topper snorted, setting his drink down with a thunk. “Two months? No way. I’ll bet you a grand you can’t pull it off.”

Kelce laughed, clapping his hands together. “Oh, this is gonna be good. I’m in. A grand says you can’t turn her into the hottest girl in school.”

Rafe’s eyes glinted with determination. “You’re on,” he said, without hesitation. “In a month or two, you’ll be handing me that fucking cash, and she’ll be the one everyone’s talking about. Looking all pretty in my arms.”

Kelce raised his glass. “To Rafe and his miracle project. This is gonna be fun to watch.”

Topper shook his head again, still grinning as he clinked his glass against Kelce’s. “Here’s to you wasting a month of your life on a lost cause.”

He clinked his glass with theirs, the bet sealed. 

“You better start saving up.”

This plan was flawless. 

It was so good that even in his drunken haze, he could see how perfectly it would play out. The first step was simple: get close to you. Make you feel special, noticed, like you were someone who mattered. Rafe knew how to charm people; it was practically second nature. And with Jessica, it had been easy—too easy. She’d fallen for his looks, his confidence, his golden boy appeal. 

The next day, he started showing up at places he knew you’d be. The library, the campus coffee shop, even lingering around after cheerleading practice. At first, he didn’t approach you, just observed. 

He had to figure out how to crack the code, how to make you see him without scaring you off. It took a week before he made his first move.

You were sitting alone in the library, surrounded by textbooks and notes. He casually strolled up, pretending to be looking for a book on the same shelf. “Hey,” he said, glancing down at you with a disarming smile. “You’re in my econ class, right? Mind if I sit here?”

You looked up, a little startled, but nodded, shifting your books to make room for him. You probably couldn’t believe that someone like Rafe Cameron was talking to you, let alone sitting with you. But that was the whole point, wasn’t it? To make you feel special, to pull you out of your shell and into his orbit.

He knew he still had to tread carefully. The wrong move could send you running, and he couldn’t afford that.

You kept your eyes down, focused on your notes. He noticed the way your hand shook slightly when you turned the page. Rafe leaned in a little closer, just enough to make his presence known without crowding you.

“You always this buried in work?” he asked casually, pulling out a notebook and flipping it open.

You glanced up, surprised he was still there. “I guess. I have a lot to catch up on.”

He chuckled, leaning back in his chair. “I hear you. Econ’s been kicking my ass this semester. You doing okay in it?”

He could tell you were surprised. Probably didn't expect him to know you shared the same class. And he didn't, until last week.

You hesitated, then nodded. “Yeah, it’s… fine. Just a lot of material.”

“Tell me about it,” he said, rolling his eyes dramatically. “I’ve been trying to wrap my head around these supply and demand curves for days. You think the professor’s trying to torture us?”

You smiled faintly, a small victory in his book. “Maybe. It’s kind of her thing.”

Rafe grinned, pleased that he got a reaction out of you. “You mind if I study with you? Might help to bounce some ideas off each other.”

You blinked, clearly taken aback by his request. “Um, sure. I mean, if you want.”

“Definitely,” he replied smoothly. “You seem like you actually know what’s going on, unlike me.”

He spent the next hour working alongside you, occasionally asking questions, but mostly just being there. He didn’t push, didn’t try too hard. He wanted you to get comfortable with him, to see him as someone you could rely on.

“I’m sorry about Jessica.”

The way you blurted the words out told him you hadn’t meant to say it. 

Rafe froze, his grip tightening on the pen in his hand. He could feel the familiar anger bubbling up, but he forced it down, keeping his expression calm. This was exactly what he didn’t want—Jessica’s name being brought up, especially by you.

But he couldn’t let you see that. 

He looked at you, feigning surprise with a bit of sadness, as if Jessica was just a painful memory he was trying to move past. “Oh,” he said softly, his voice controlled and measured. “You know about that?”

You nodded, eyes wide and apologetic, clearly regretting bringing it up. “Yeah… I mean, it’s all over campus, right? The girls were talking about it in the locker room. I just—I didn’t mean to…I’m sorry.”

Rafe forced a smile, as if he was grateful for your concern. He leaned back in his chair, letting out a small sigh as if he was relieved to talk about it, even though it was the last thing he wanted to do. “It’s okay,” he said, his tone gentle. “I guess it’s just one of those things, y’know? We were together for a while, and it sucked when it ended.”

You looked down at your notes, fidgeting with the corner of a page. 

“She shouldn’t have done that to you.”

He let out a dry laugh, the bitterness threatening to seep through, but he quickly disguised it as a rueful chuckle. “Yeah, well, people do shitty things sometimes. Guess it just wasn’t meant to be.”

He noticed the way you seemed to relax as if you were relieved that he wasn’t angry. He needed to shift the conversation away from Jessica, and back to you, where it should be. “But hey,” he said, his voice brightening as if he was genuinely trying to shake off the bad memories, “Everything happens for a reason right?"

You blinked, caught off guard by the sudden attention. “Right."

He leaned forward slightly, his gaze locking onto yours. “You’re not like everyone else around here. You’re real, y’know? Genuine. I like that.”

Bullshit. But he could see the effect his words had on you. Easy.

Your cheeks flushed slightly, and you looked away, a small, shy smile playing on your lips. “I’m just…here.”

Rafe shook his head, his smile softening, taking on a more sincere tone. “I’m glad I’m getting the chance to see that.”

You didn’t say anything for a moment, just looked at him with those wide eyes, as if you were trying to figure him out. Rafe held your gaze, letting the silence stretch just long enough to make the moment feel meaningful, even though he knew exactly what he was doing. He was reeling you in, one calculated move at a time.

Finally, you nodded, lips twitching, “Thanks, Rafe."

Oh, you were too perfect for this.

He grinned, leaning back in his chair as if the conversation had lightened his mood.

 “Anytime."

It was a perfect conversation, one that made you feel like he was letting you in on something personal, something real. And from the look on your face, it worked.

But inside, Rafe was fuming. Jessica had managed to worm her way into his head again, even indirectly. It was a reminder of why he was doing this in the first place. 

He plastered on another smile, picking up his pen and tapping it lightly against his notebook. “So,” he said, steering the conversation back to safer waters, “You think you can help me with this econ stuff? Because I’m pretty sure I’m doomed without you.”

You laughed, the tension from earlier completely dissipating. “Yeah, I think I can manage that.”

As you both turned your attention back to your notes, Rafe felt a sense of satisfaction. He was winning that bet on way or another. 

Over the next few weeks, Rafe made sure to stick to his plan. Slowly but surely, he worked his way into your life. He was always around, ready with a casual compliment or a small gesture that made you feel noticed, special. He’d walk you to class, carry your books, and offer to study with you whenever he had the chance. He knew how to play the long game, and with every passing day, you were warming up to him more and more.

He made sure to steer clear of anything that might remind you of Jessica or his past. Instead, he focused on building up your confidence, subtly encouraging you to step out of your comfort zone. 

He’d invite you to parties, introducing you to his friends, and before long, you were starting to come out of your shell. You even started to dress a little differently—nothing too drastic, but enough to catch people’s attention. The change was gradual, but it was happening, and Rafe could see it.

The first party he invited you to was at a swanky off-campus house, the kind of place you’d only ever heard about but never had the nerve to attend. He had that effect on you—made you feel like maybe, just maybe, you belonged in a world that had always seemed so out of reach. 

“Come on, it’ll be fun,” Rafe said, his voice smooth as silk. You hesitated, biting your lip, feeling out of place just imagining yourself in his world.

“I don’t know… I’m not really into parties,” you admitted.

Rafe grinned, a playful glint in his eyes. “I promise I won’t let anything bad happen. Just give it a try, for me?”

His gaze was so earnest, so convincing, that you found yourself nodding. “Okay. I guess I could give it a shot.”

The first party was initially awkward—loud music, people you didn’t know, and a social scene that felt worlds away from where you belonged. 

But Rafe stayed close. 

The moment you walked in, the loud music and flashing lights overwhelmed your senses. You clung a little closer to him, who noticed and shot you a reassuring smile, his hand resting on the small of your back as he guided you through the crowd. He was different tonight—more confident, more assertive. 

“Relax,” he whispered in your ear, his breath warm against your skin. “You’re with me. Have some fun, sweets.”

You nodded, trying to loosen up, but the eyes on you—on both of you—were hard to ignore. People were noticing. Whispering. It was exactly what Rafe wanted.

He led you to where Kelce and Topper were already posted up, drinks in hand. The second they saw you, their eyebrows shot up, but they quickly masked their surprise with easy smiles. Rafe kept you close as he greeted them, his hand never leaving your back.

“Guys, this is her,” Rafe said, his tone casual but with a hint of pride. “Told you I’d get her to come out with us.”

Kelce looked you up and down, his smirk growing. “Well, well, Cameron. Didn’t think you had it in you.”

Topper raised his drink in your direction, his smile more genuine. “Nice to meet you. Rafe’s been talking you up.”

You managed a small chuckle, feeling the weight of their attention on you. “Nice to meet you too.”

Rafe gave your shoulder a gentle squeeze. “Why don’t you grab a drink? I’ll be right here.”

You nodded, grateful for the brief escape, and headed towards the makeshift bar in the kitchen. As soon as you were out of earshot, the easygoing demeanor Rafe had been maintaining with you slipped away, replaced by something more calculating as he turned back to his friends.

“So?” Kelce asked, “How’s the project going?”

Rafe shrugged, taking a sip of his drink. “Better than expected. She’s starting to come out of her shell. Still got a long way to go, but I’d say we’re on track.”

Topper leaned against the counter, his gaze following you as you picked out a drink. “She seems… nice. You sure you want to go through with this, man?”

Rafe shot him a look, his expression hardening. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

Topper shrugged. “Just saying. She doesn’t seem like the type who’s cut out for this crowd. Might be too sweet for what you’ve got planned.”

Kelce chuckled, shaking his head. “She’s sweet, alright. But that’s the whole point, isn’t it? She’s not Jessica. And if he pulls this off, it’s gonna be legendary.”

Rafe’s lips curled into a smirk. “Exactly. She’s perfect for this.”

He said it with confidence, but there was something else in his eyes—something he quickly buried as he watched you make your way back with a drink in hand.

When you returned to the group, his expression softened instantly. He slipped back into the charming, attentive guy he’d been playing for you all night.

“Got something good?” he asked, nodding towards your drink.

You giggled, holding up your cup. “Just punch. Thought I’d start slow.”

He snorted, nodding approvingly. “Smart move. Don’t let these guys talk you into anything too crazy.”

The night went on like that, Rafe playing the perfect gentleman, always by your side, making sure you were comfortable, that you were enjoying yourself. He introduced you to more people, his arm around your shoulders, subtly guiding you through the social maze with ease. And every time you excused yourself—whether to grab another drink or use the restroom—his demeanor shifted. The smile would slip, and he’d share knowing looks with his friends, a silent acknowledgment of the game they were playing.

But you didn’t see any of that. 

You saw the guy who made you feel like you were finally part of something bigger, like you belonged. And as the night went on, you found yourself relaxing more, laughing, talking, feeling the walls you’d built around yourself start to come down.

Rafe noticed, of course. That was the whole point. He’d spent weeks laying the groundwork, and tonight was just the beginning. He was getting what he wanted.

But as he watched you laugh at something Kelce said, genuinely enjoying yourself, he felt a pang of something unfamiliar. It was brief, fleeting, but it was there. Maybe it was guilt. Maybe it was something else. He quickly pushed it aside, reminding himself why he was doing this.

He knew better than to get too comfortable. 

He knew his ex wouldn’t stay out of his business forever, and sure enough, she confronted him right before class the next day.

“Rafe, can we talk?”

He didn’t look at her right away, instead shoving his notebook into his bag as if she wasn’t even worth the effort. But he couldn’t resist; he turned to her, keeping his expression neutral. “What’s up?”

Jessica glanced around, making sure no one was listening, before stepping closer to him. Her voice was low, almost pleading. “What the fuck are you doing?”

Rafe raised an eyebrow, playing dumb. “What do you mean?”

She huffed in frustration, clearly not in the mood for games. “Don’t act like you don’t know. She’s a nice girl, I know she’s not your type.”

Rafe couldn’t help the smirk that tugged at his lips. “Jealous?

Jessica’s eyes flashed with anger, but there was something else there too—guilt. 

“No. You’re just going to use her to get back at me? That’s not fair. She doesn’t deserve that.”

He leaned in closer, his smirk turning cold. “You didn’t think about fairness when you were sneaking around with Tyler, did you? Why should I care about what she deserves?”

"Rafe."

"You only care about your precious reputation, so shut the fuck up."

Jessica flinched, “I’m sorry, okay? I shouldn’t have done what I did. But I fell in love with Tyler. I’m not sorry about that.”

“Do you even realize what you did to me?” The memory of the last time he’d trusted her flashed before his eyes—the way she’d smiled at him. The same smile she had for someone else, “You don’t get to apologize now. You don’t get to tell me what’s fair.”

Jessica’s expression softened, her voice dropping to a near whisper. “I’m not saying this for me. I’m saying it for her."

"Right, because you care so much about other people, huh?"

"You're being difficult for no reason."

Rafe clenched his jaw, every word she said feeling like a knife twisting in his gut. He wanted to lash out, to tell her that she didn’t get to play the moral high ground after everything she’d done. But instead, he just stared at her, his eyes hard and cold.

“Stay out of it, Jess” he said finally, his voice low and dangerous. “And keep your fucking mouth shut.”

She sighed, her shoulders slumping slightly as if she’d been expecting this. “Just think about it before you do something stupid."

Without another word, Jessica turned and walked away, leaving Rafe standing there, seething with anger. He watched her go, his fists clenching and unclenching at his sides. Of course, she would act like she gave a shit about you the moment he’s attention shifted from her. She had no right to lecture him, no right to tell him what to do.

This was about revenge, about proving a point. You were just a means to an end, nothing more.

But you made it so fucking hard for him to keep his head in the game. 

Every time you smiled at him, every time you thanked him for something small, it chipped away at the cold resolve he had built up inside. He told himself it was just part of the plan, that getting close to you was necessary for the outcome he wanted. But the more time he spent with you, the more he realized that he was enjoying himself. 

He didn't even have to put in the effort to influence you. You began to speak up in class, even crack jokes with the other girls on the cheerleading squad. The transformation was happening right before his eyes, just like he’d planned. But instead of feeling satisfied, there was a knot of guilt forming in his stomach. You were changing, yes, but it wasn’t just on the outside. You were starting to trust him, to look at him like he was more than just some popular guy who was doing you a favor. You were starting to care, and that terrified him.

One night, after another party where you had danced a little closer, laughed a little louder, Rafe walked you back to your dorm. The campus was quiet, the stars above bright against the inky sky. You were buzzing with the energy of the night, still talking animatedly about how much fun you’d had. The sound of your laughter, the way your eyes lit up—it caught him off guard.

“Thanks for inviting me, Rafe. I never thought I’d actually enjoy these things, but you make it… I don’t know, easier, I guess.”

Rafe smiled down at you, trying to ignore the way his heart twisted at your words. 

“I’m glad sweets. You deserve to have fun.”

You looked up at him, your eyes softening. “I don’t think I’ve ever thanked you properly. For everything. You didn’t have to be this nice to me.”

For a split second, he saw you. Not as a means to an end, but as someone he genuinely cared about.

His expression faltered for a moment before he quickly recovered. “It’s no big deal. Really.”

But it was a big deal, and you both knew it.

You had gone from barely existing on the social radar to being someone everyone noticed, someone everyone wanted to be around. And it was all because of him. Rafe had given you that, but he knew he was taking something from you too—your innocence, your trust.

He walked you to your door, his usual confidence wavering as you turned to face him. There was something different in your gaze tonight, something that made his breath catch in his throat.

“Rafe… I’ve been meaning to ask you something,” you began, your voice a little hesitant.

He forced himself to stay calm, even though his heart was pounding in his chest. “Yeah? What’s up?”

You looked down, fiddling with the hem of your top before meeting his eyes again. “Why did you start talking to me? I mean, really. Was it because you felt sorry for me? Or… or something else?”

Rafe’s mind raced, trying to find the right words, the ones that wouldn’t hurt you. He could lie, like he’d been doing all along, or he could tell you the truth, risk everything.

But before he could answer, you continued, your voice softer now. “Because… I’m glad you did. Whatever the reason was. I’ve never felt this… this good about myself. And it’s because of you.”

Rafe swallowed hard, his throat suddenly dry.

Fuck. He’d never expected this, never thought that you would be the one to make him feel something real, something that wasn’t just part of his stupid revenge plan.

He’d thought he could control this, control you, but it was slipping through his fingers. He stepped closer to you, his hand reaching out to gently brush a strand of hair behind your ear.

“You’ve always been amazing,” he said quietly, his voice hoarse. “I just… I just helped you see it.”

You grinned up at him, your eyes shining with gratitud. It was too much, too real, and Rafe could feel the walls he’d carefully constructed around his heart starting to crumble. You were looking at him like he was someone worth caring about, and for the first time, he felt like he was the one being played.

He couldn’t let you get any closer. If you did, he wouldn’t be able to follow through with his plan.

But pushing you away now, after all the effort he’d put in, would raise too many questions. So, he did the only thing he could think of—he leaned down and kissed you.

It was gentle at first, testing the waters, but when you didn’t pull away, he deepened it, his hand cradling the back of your head as if you were something fragile. Your lips were soft against his, and for a moment, Rafe let himself forget why he was doing this. He let himself enjoy the warmth of your body pressed against his, the way you sighed softly into his mouth.

But then, just as quickly as it started, he pulled back.

The look in your eyes nearly undid him. There was so much trust, so much hope, and it made him want to break something, anything, just to stop feeling the way he did.

“I’ll see you tomorrow,” he murmured, his voice rough, as if the kiss had taken something out of him.

You nodded, still dazed, a small smile playing on your lips. “Yeah, tomorrow.”

This was wrong. 

He knew it was wrong. But in that moment, with the way you were looking at him, he couldn’t bring himself to care. He watched you go, waiting until you disappeared into your dorm before he let out a shaky breath.

What the fuck was he doing? He couldn’t afford to second-guess himself now. Not when he was so close to winning and yet, he couldn’t help but feel that he was the one who was losing.

Later that night, as he lay in bed staring at the ceiling, Jessica’s words mocked him.

“I’m sorry okay? I shouldn’t have done what I did. But I fell in love with Tyler. I’m not sorry about that.”

He had scoffed at her then, dismissed her excuses as pathetic attempts to justify her shitty behavior.

But now, lying there alone, he couldn’t help but wonder if he was any different. He didn’t plan on feeling anything real for you. This was supposed to be a game, a way to hurt Jessica the way she hurt him. But somewhere along the line, things had changed.

How could he let this happen? How could he, of all people, start to care? He was supposed to be in control, supposed to be the one pulling the strings, not getting tangled in them.

And yet, the memory of your pretty face, the sound of your laugh, the warmth in your eyes—these were the things that lingered in his mind, all the damn time. 

“Fuck,” he muttered to himself, rolling over and burying his face in his pillow.

The anger and bitterness that had fueled him for weeks were still there, but they were being drowned out by something else—you.

Rafe’s resolve had been wavering for days, but he pushed the guilt aside as he drove to campus the next morning. He was picking you up before class, something that had become a bit of a routine. It was a small gesture, but one that made you smile every time, and Rafe had to admit, he looked forward to seeing that smile.

When he pulled up to your dorm, you were already waiting outside, your bag slung over your shoulder. You looked different from when he first met you—still shy, but with a confidence that hadn’t been there before. It was subtle, but Rafe noticed. 

He noticed everything about you these days.

“Hey,” you said as you slid into the passenger seat, giving him that small smile that always made his chest tighten a little. “Thanks for picking me up.”

“Anytime,” he replied smoothly, shifting the car into gear. “Ready for another day of fun and learning?”

You rolled your eyes playfully, but there was a lightness in your expression that hadn’t been there a month ago. “If by fun, you mean trying not to fall asleep in econ, then yeah, totally ready.”

He chuckled, glancing over at you as he pulled onto the road. “I’m starting to think you secretly enjoy econ. You’re just trying to maintain your cool, indifferent persona.”

You laughed, the sound genuine and free, and Rafe felt that unfamiliar pang in his chest again.

“Yeah, that’s me. The cool, indifferent econ nerd.”

“See? I knew it,” Rafe teased, but there was an edge of something else in his voice, something he couldn’t quite shake.

The drive to campus was easy, filled with light conversation and the comfortable silence that had developed between you two. When you arrived, he parked in his usual spot, but instead of getting out right away, you turned to him, your expression suddenly serious.

“Rafe, can I ask you something?”

He froze for a split second, his mind racing. Had you figured it out? Did you know about the bet? But he quickly forced a casual smile, nodding.

“Sure sweets, what’s up?”

You hesitated, chewing on your lower lip, a habit he’d noticed you had when you were nervous.

“Why did you kiss me?”

Rafe’s heart pounded in his chest. This was the moment he’d been dreading—the moment when you’d start questioning everything. He couldn’t afford to slip up now.

“Why not?” he said, his tone light, but there was a hint of sincerity that even he didn’t expect. “I like you. I like being around you.”

You looked at him, your eyes searching his, trying to find the truth in his words. Rafe held your gaze, doing his best to keep his expression open and honest. After a moment, you nodded, as if you’d decided to believe him.

“Okay,” you said. “I just... I didn’t want to assume, y’know? It’s just... new.”

“Good new, though, right?”

“Yeah,” you admitted, “Good new.”

The rest of the day passed in a blur, with classes, coffee breaks, and more of Rafe’s effortless charm. But that moment in the car stuck with him. You were starting to get closer, to trust him, and every time you did, the guilt fucked with his head a little more. 

Later that day, when the two of you met up for a late lunch, he noticed the way you had begun to attract attention from others. Some guys glanced your way, clearly noticing the changes in you, and a few girls even stopped to chat with you—a far cry from the shy girl he’d first approached in the library.

As you two sat down at a table outside the campus cafe, he saw the way your eyes lit up when you spotted someone approaching. It was Leila, a girl from your cheer squad. She waved and came over, sitting down.

“Hey, you two,” she greeted, her eyes flicking between you and Rafe. “Mind if I join?”

“Sure,” you said, scooting over to make room for her. He nodded, keeping his expression neutral, but there was something about the way Leila looked at you that put him on edge.

The conversation flowed easily, with her complimenting you on something you’d done at practice the other day, and you blushing at the praise.

Rafe watched, a small smile on his face, but his mind was elsewhere. He could see how much you were changing, how you were starting to come into your own, and it was becoming harder and harder to justify what he was doing.

When Leila left after a few minutes, you turned to Rafe with a grin. “She’s nice. I didn’t think she even noticed me before.”

“She notices you now,” Rafe replied, his voice quieter than usual.

You looked at him, your smile fading slightly. “Is something wrong?”

Rafe hesitated for a moment, then shook his head. “No, nothing. Just... thinking.”

“About what?”

He leaned back in his chair. “About how you’re starting to steal everyone’s attention here. What am I gonna do when you’re the most popular one around here?”

You laughed, shaking your head. “I don’t think that’s gonna happen anytime soon.”

Rafe smiled back, but the guilt was back, stronger than ever. You were starting to trust him, to believe in the friendship he was offering, and it was killing him.

As the afternoon wore on, he found himself more and more distracted by his thoughts. He needed to talk to someone about it, someone who knew the score.

Later that evening, after dropping you off at your dorm, he called Kelce. The phone rang a few times before his friend picked up, sounding slightly out of breath.

“Yo, Cameron. What’s up?”

Rafe took a deep breath, leaning against the side of his car. “I need to talk, man. About the bet.”

Kelce laughed, clearly not picking up on the seriousness in Rafe’s voice. “What, you already feeling bad for her? Didn’t think you’d go soft so fast.”

Rafe frowned, running a hand through his hair. “It’s not that. It’s just... I didn’t think it’d be like this. She’s... she’s actually really nice, Kelce. Like, genuinely nice.”

There was a pause on the other end of the line before Kelce responded, his tone more serious.

“Dude, we all knew she was nice. That’s what makes this so good. You’re flipping the script. Just remember why you’re doing it.”

Rafe let out a frustrated sigh. “I know, but... She trusts me."

And I trust her, he wanted to add, but didn't.

“Look, Rafe, you’re in too deep to back out now. If you quit, she’ll still get hurt, and you’ll look like a fucking idiot. You gotta see this through. Just... keep your eye on the prize, okay? It’s not about her, it’s about Jessica.”

Rafe nodded, even though Kelce couldn’t see him. “Yeah... yeah, you’re right. I just needed to clear my head.”

“Good,” Kelce said. “Now go get some sleep or something. We’ve got a party this weekend, and I wanna see you back on your game.”

“Yeah, sure. Thanks, man.”

By Friday, the campus was buzzing with weekend plans, and you were in a good mood, chatting excitedly about some party that night. You two were in the cafeteria, grabbing lunch, when it happened.

You were waiting in line for food, and Rafe had stepped aside to check his phone. When he glanced up, he saw a guy approaching you—a guy he recognized from the football team. A sleazy bastard.

The guy leaned in, flashing you a charming smirk, clearly trying to flirt. He wanted to pummel his face to the wall. Rafe watched from a distance as the guy made you laugh, his hand casually resting on the counter next to yours. Too fucking close.

The sight made something twist in his chest, something dark and possessive that he hadn’t expected. He'd never felt like this before. His grip tightened around his phone as he watched, his jaw clenching.

You seemed flattered but a little uncomfortable, your smile not quite reaching your eyes. Rafe could tell you weren’t used to this kind of attention, and it made him feel something primal, something that burned hotter than the guilt. He wanted to go over there, to tell that guy to back the fuck off, but he didn’t. Instead, he stood there, seething, trying to keep his cool.

Scaring you away was the last thing he wanted to do.

When the guy finally walked away, you looked relieved, but Rafe was already moving. He crossed the cafeteria in quick strides, his eyes locked on you, his heart pounding. You spotted him coming and smiled, but it fell when you saw the look on his face.

“Rafe, what’s—”

He didn’t let you finish. Before you could say another word, he was right in front of you, his hand cupping your face as he pulled you toward him.

And then he kissed you.

It wasn’t like the kiss outsider your dorm. This was different. It was fierce, almost desperate as if he needed to prove something to himself, to you, and to everyone watching. His lips moved against yours with intensity, his other hand gripping your waist, pulling you closer. He didn’t care who was around, who was watching. 

All he cared about was you, right there, in his arms.

You froze for a second, caught off guard by the suddenness of it, but then you melted into him, your hands clutching at his shirt as you kissed him back with equal fervor. It was like all the tension, all the confusion, everything that had been building between you two, finally snapped.

Rafe deepened the kiss, his tongue sliding against yours, claiming you in a way that left no room for doubt. His fingers tangled in your hair, and you let out a soft moan that only made him kiss you harder, his body pressing against yours like he couldn’t get enough.

People around you were definitely watching now, whispering, some even cheering, but Rafe didn’t care. He didn’t pull away until he was breathless, and even then, he stayed close, his forehead resting against yours, his breathing heavy. When he finally opened his eyes, he saw the way you were looking at him—dazed, flushed, your lips slightly swollen from the intensity of the kiss.

“What... what was that?” you asked, your voice shaky, your eyes searching his for answers.

Rafe knew he should say something, explain himself, but all he could think about was how much he wanted to kiss you again. Instead, he just shook his head slightly, a small smirk tugging at his lips.

“Just couldn’t help myself,” he murmured, his voice low and rough.

You blinked up at him, still trying to process what had just happened, but there was no mistaking the way your body was responding to him. 

He finally stepped back, but kept his hand on your waist, grounding you as he looked around. Sure enough, the guy from earlier was watching. 

Rafe caught his eye, giving him a look that said everything without words. She’s mine.

When he looked back at you, he saw the confusion in your eyes and something else—something that looked a lot like longing.

He knew he’d just crossed a line, again, but in that moment, he didn’t care. All he cared about was the way you felt in his arms, the way you looked at him like he was the only guy in the world.

“C’mon,” Rafe said, his voice softer now. “We’ve got class.”

You nodded, still a little dazed, and let him guide you out of the cafeteria, his hand never leaving yours. He was in deeper than ever, but he couldn’t bring himself to regret it. Not when you looked at him like that, not when his heart was pounding like this.

As you approached the building where your next class was, he stopped, turning to face you. He touched your cheek again, his thumb brushing against your skin, and you leaned into his touch.

“Rafe—”

“You’re my girl,” he whispered, his forehead pressing against yours again. “Okay?”

You nodded, your breath hitching as you looked up at him, your eyes wide and trusting. Rafe knew he was on the edge of something he couldn’t control, but as he leaned in for one more kiss, slow and tender this time, he realized he didn’t care.

“Rafe…” you began again, speaking against his lips. There was so much you wanted to say, so much you needed to understand about what you were, what you two were becoming. His thumb traced the curve of your jawline.

“You don’t have to say anything,” he whispered, his voice low, almost reverent. “I just… I need you to know that you mean something to me. This, us—"

“Okay.”

He was already in too deep.

And just like that, he got what he wanted. 

The next day, everything seemed to fall into place as if the universe has finally aligned for you. He asked you out, and just like that, you were together.

The next two months were a dream—utter bliss. You weren’t just happy; you were radiant. You’d become the most popular girl in school, and with him by your side, it felt like you were living in some sort of fairy tale. 

Every smile he gave you, every touch, every whispered confession of how perfect you were sent you soaring higher. He couldn’t get enough of you—your sweetness, your kindness, your genuine heart. It was as if he was falling more and more in love with you every single day. And you, you had never felt this alive.

But deep down, in a place he didn’t dare acknowledge, there was a shadow, a sliver of guilt that he pushed aside every time he looked into your trusting eyes.

He never officially ended the bet with Kelce and Topper. It was just a stupid game, something that seemed so insignificant compared to what he feels for you now. He told himself that he had forgotten about it, that it didn’t matter anymore.

After all, what you two had is real, right? And you, completely oblivious to the sinister origins of your relationship, continued to believe in the fairy tale.

Until it ended. 

⁀➷ೃ⁀➷ೃ⁀➷ೃ⁀➷⁀➷ೃ⁀➷ೃ⁀➷ೃ⁀➷⁀➷ೃ⁀➷ೃ⁀➷ೃ⁀➷⁀➷ೃ

It’s after cheerleading practice, and you’re alone in the locker room, stuffing your things into your bag. The air is thick with the scent of sweat and body spray, the usual post-practice atmosphere, but there’s something different today—a tension you can’t quite place. 

As you’re zipping up your bag, you hear voices nearby, just around the corner. Leila and Jessica, their conversation low but unmistakable. You wouldn’t normally eavesdrop, but something about the tone of their voices makes you pause, your heart suddenly beating a little faster.

"You were right," Leila says, her voice edged with a cruel satisfaction. "About your gut feeling with Rafe and his new girl."

Oh.

Jessica sounds tired, almost defeated. "What do you mean?"

Leila sighs, a dark amusement in her tone. "Kelce spilled everything when we hooked up last week. He was too high to keep his mouth shut. Rafe’s been playing her this whole time, using her to mess with you. It was all a bet."

The words hit you like a punch to the gut. Your breath catches in your throat, and for a moment, you can’t move, can’t think. The room spins around you, the ground shifting beneath your feet.

No. No, this can’t be real.

Leila’s voice continues, completely unaware of the devastation she’s causing. "It's so fucked up. She has no idea. She’s out there thinking he’s her Prince Charming, and all along it was just some sick game."

Jessica doesn’t say anything, but you can’t bear to hear more. You feel like you’re suffocating, your chest tightening as panic floods your system.

Before you know it, you’re running—out of the locker room, down the hall, anywhere to get away from those words, those horrible, soul-crushing words. Tears blur your vision as you stumble outside, gasping for air, for some kind of escape from the nightmare that’s suddenly become your reality.

The ache in your chest doesn’t fade as you bolt from the locker room, tears hot on your cheeks. You don’t know where you’re going, but you know you can’t stop moving. The hallways blur past you as you wipe at your eyes, struggling to catch your breath. Rage and heartbreak twist inside you like a knife, and before you know it, you find yourself standing outside the gym, where the sounds of basketball practice echo through the double doors.

You push through the doors without thinking, your heart pounding in your ears. The gym is full of movement—squeaking sneakers, the thud of the ball against the court, and the grunts of effort as the players practice their drills. But all of it fades into the background as soon as your eyes lock onto Rafe.

He’s in the middle of a play, dribbling the ball down the court with that intense focus you’ve always admired. For a moment, you hesitate, that familiar warmth of seeing him almost enough to make you stop. But then the memory of Leila’s words slams into you like a wave, and the anger surges back, drowning out everything else.

You storm across the gym, your footsteps heavy on the polished floor. Some of the players notice you, their eyes widening in surprise, but you don’t care. You’re beyond caring. The only thing that matters is confronting him, making him face what he’s done.

"Cameron!" you shout, your voice sharp, cutting through the noise of the practice.

He turns at the sound of your voice, surprise flashing across his face. The ball slips from his hands, bouncing away as the other players stop, confusion rippling through the group. You always call him by his name.

The coach starts to say something, but you barely hear him. All you can see is Rafe, standing there, looking at you with those eyes that you once thought held nothing but affection for you. 

Now, all you see is a liar.

“What’s wrong baby?” He jogs over to you, his brow furrowing.

You don’t answer immediately, your breath coming in ragged gasps as you try to hold yourself together.

But it’s impossible.

“Was I a bet?”

His expression changes from confusion to something closer to horror, his mouth opening as if to say something, but nothing comes out. The sound of your voice, trembling with disbelief and pain, seems to have stunned him into silence.

For a moment, you just stare at each other. You want him to deny it, to laugh and tell you it’s all some terrible misunderstanding. But deep down, you already know the truth. You saw it in his eyes the second he turned to face you, that flicker of guilt, that flash of something wildly desperate.

He reaches for you, his voice breaking. "Baby, wait, let me explain—”

“Was I a fucking bet?” you repeat, your voice louder this time, edged with a desperate, frantic energy that you can’t control. You take a step back as he tries to get closer, every muscle in your body screaming to get away from him, to escape the unbearable weight of the truth.

His eyes are pleading, searching yours for something, anything that might make this easier, but there’s nothing. No words, no excuses that can make this hurt any less.

“It started as a bet,” he admits, his voice barely above a whisper, but to you, it’s as loud as a gunshot. “But it’s not like that, I swear. I—”

“What the hell is wrong with you?!”

He flinches at your words, pain flashing across his face, but you can’t stop. It’s like all the anger, all the heartbreak, all the humiliation you’ve been choking down is pouring out of you in a torrent, and you don’t have the strength to hold it back. You can see the panic rising in him, the desperation as he realizes just how badly he’s messed up. He takes another step toward you, his hand reaching out, but you jerk away, 

“We’re done.”

“Please, just listen,” he pleads, his voice cracking.

“No.”

And with that, you leave. 

Rafe’s voice echoes behind you as you walk away, but you refuse to look back. The gym doors swing shut, muffling the sounds of the practice resuming, and you’re left in the eerily quiet hallway, your breath coming in ragged gasps. 

The locker room is cold and empty when you push open the door. The scent of body spray and sweat lingers in the air. You head straight to your locker again, hands trembling as you fumble with the lock, desperate to escape. But before you can get it open, the door swings wide behind you, and you know, without turning around, that he followed you.

“Go away,” you say, your voice barely holding steady.

“I can’t,” he says, his voice strained with desperation. “Not like this.”

You spin around, your eyes blazing with anger. “You don’t get to decide that. You used me! And for what? Some sick joke with your friends?”

He takes a step closer, his hands raised as if to placate you, but you back away, your heart pounding. “I know I messed up,” he says, his voice thick with regret. “I know I should’ve told you the truth, but I—”

“But you didn’t,” you cut him off, your voice rising. “You let me believe that you cared about me, that everything was real, and all the while it was just a game to you. You and your friends laughed in my face the entire time, didn’t you?”

“It wasn’t a game,” he insists, his voice cracking. “It wasn't supposed to be like this, okay? This wasn't the plan. I changed. Being with you... it was the only thing that felt real to me.”

You shake your head, tears welling up in your eyes. “I don’t believe you.” 

Rafe looks at you, his expression torn between guilt and desperation. 

“It wasn’t a joke. It started as a stupid bet, but I never expected to actually—” He broke off, running a hand through his hair in frustration. “I care about you. That’s real.”

For a moment, you see the boy who had made you feel special, who had made you believe in something more. But it's not enough.

“I don’t even know who you are."

You want to believe him, to take solace in the idea that some part of what you had was real, but you can't. You shake your head again, a sob choking you as you turn away from him, your back pressing against the cold metal of the locker.

“It isn’t supposed to hurt like this,” you whisper, more to yourself than to him. “It’s not supposed to feel like a knife in your chest.”

Rafe takes another step closer, “Please, sweetheart,” he murmurs, his voice breaking. “Just give me a chance to make this right.”

"You don’t get to have a chance. You don’t get to pretend this is some kind of love story. You lied to me. You used me.”

You look at him then, really look at him, and all you see is the boy who broke your heart. The boy who turned your world upside down with a single lie. You know that if you stay, if you let him talk, you might be tempted to forgive him. But you can’t. 

Not this time.

With a deep breath, you straighten up, wiping away the tears that have stained your cheeks. “I’m done.”

“Don’t say that,” he pleads, his voice thick with desperation.

But you’ve made up your mind. 

“I mean it. We’re done. I need you to stay away from me.”

The words hit him like a physical blow, and for a moment, he just stands there, staring at you as if he can’t believe what you’re saying.

But then he sees the resolve in your eyes, the finality in your tone, and he knows there’s no coming back from this.

“I’m sorry,” he whispers, his voice hoarse. “I’m so sorry.”

Without another word, you turn away from him, pushing past the locker room door and walking away. You hesitate for a split second. A small voice inside you screams to turn back, to give him one more chance, but then you imagine the laughter, the cruel satisfaction. 

The image of Rafe with his friends, laughing at your expense, sears itself into your mind. 

The door slams shut behind him, and he leans against it, his breath coming in short, ragged gasps. He doesn’t feel victorious. Instead, there’s a hollowness, a quiet whisper in the back of his mind that asks, “What now?” He clenches his fists, trying to silence it, but the emptiness remains.

This time, he doesn’t follow you. 

[seungkwanslowqualityenglish]

Unfinished Melodies

✿ Synopsis: He was your greatest rival, but all things changed after being paired with him for a competition. Yet, all lovely things can’t stay, and you had to get away. Returning after three years apart, will old feelings return, or will hidden secrets destroy all before it has a chance to blossom once more. 

✿ Who: Park Sunghoon (Enhypen) x Female Pronoun Reader ✿ Word Count:  60,124 words ✿ Genre: Angst/Fluff ✿ Warnings: Explicit language, implied sex, pregnancy, child, grandparent death, parental death,  ✿ Request: No ✿ I’m back on my bullshit after my short hiatus turned into a 3 year hiatus. Request are open, my crops are plentiful, and my brain is working. This is an absolute mess, it would be longer but I got writers block and just had to finish it, it is also much longer than what I usually write, but enjoy.

The first memory you have of being a child is from the age of three, it was the image of you holding hands with your father, he skating backwards, getting you accustomed to the ice. The second memory occurs five minutes later, he lets your hands go, and you proceed to fall to the ice. Those memories repeated throughout your childhood, going from holding hands with your father as you skated along, clutching your coaches hands, knees kissing the ice as you fell, hands burning from the harsh cold, to finally skating on your own. If someone had asked you at the age of three what you thought you would be doing in ten, even fifteen years, in the future, you would not have answered figure skating.

You were nine when you first met Park Sunghoon, your coach called him a prodigy, and honestly, it made you jealous. It was always you that was called the prodigy before, you were the skilled one, and you were what the others wanted to achieve towards. The six years of skating experience you had on him seemed useless, as he took to the ice, quickly developing the same level you were at. By the age of eleven, he had even overtaken your rankings, leaving you as the second most skilled skater in your rink.

That was when you first started to hate him, you had the joy of not competing in the same competitions as him, but it did not stop others from constantly comparing the two of you. It was always, he got the turn on the first try, or he got gold as well but his score was higher, or if he keeps progressing the olympic team might be interested in him. It was like all of a sudden, everything your parents had been conditioning you for was no longer there. The silver platter life had been handed to you on, it had been ripped out and offered to another, someone others had deemed more talented and more worthy.

Maybe the feelings were mutual, but you did not like him, and he returned the feelings. From the age of thirteen it became known around the others just how much you disliked each other, going as far as rescheduling your practices so you would not have even be in the rink the same day. But, this did not stop the comments, the constant praises of his talent coming from your parents mouths, the constant flow of comparisons, and the constant detriment of your feelings of self worth. No longer were your parents focused on your performance, instead they were focused on what he did better, how you could be better like him, and how you could do better than him.

When high school started, it was like a switch flipped, neither of you were no longer in your awkward tween stages, starting to grow into teens. This was when the first big change happened, no longer were your competitions viewers only your family and friends, others started to show interest. The first competition you were in after high school started was odd, there was a whole fan section for a specific person, and honestly you hated it, the six extra years you had on him were useless, especially seeing how he had a growing section of fangirls each competition, compared to your meek group of friends and family. What hurt the most was seeing your friends start to move, gradually sitting closer and closer in the group of freshmen girls that came to support him, until they were in the group, no longer there to support you but instead here to support him.

That was when you broke, throwing your everything into skating. No longer did you spare time for your so-called friends, no longer did you have time for hobbies, and no longer did you have time for others. The next year was nothing but school and skating, at some points, it seemed as though you slept at the rink some nights. The work started to pay off, your already high scores started to go higher, but you were always just barely behind him still. Harsh words of comparison burned your eardrums, and it was always about one individual, Park Sunghoon, and how much better he was than you.

Sophomore year is where things started to change, as your coaches came up with what they felt was a great idea. No longer would you just compete in solo events, you would do pairs. Your coach claimed that the two of you would be better than the current people competing in pairs, and so you were more likely to take some wins home. The first time coach Kim mentioned it, you felt like it might be a good idea, after all there were some really good skaters at your rink. But, you should have known it would not be that easy, rather than being paired with one of the many others she trained, instead they claimed the best deserves to only work with the best. Had you known it would be him, you would have refused to do this, you would rather win silver or even bronze at the next competition than work with him. Yet, fighting was futile, as your coaches quickly told you your parents had given permission, meaning you two would be partners for the near future.

The first time working with him was a mess. Neither of you wanted to get close to one another, skating within five feet of each other was hard, let alone holding hands and doing lifts. Sunghoon stood there laughing as you failed to do a trick, not a care in the world as he watched you hit the ice, his laugh echoing as you started to get up. “I don’t know what is going on with you two, but figure it the fuck out, and get over it,” Coach Kim screamed across the rink, silence came from him immediately, watching with disproving eyes at the behavior in front of her. “You both have one week, if you can’t at least pretend to like each other by then, neither of you will be permitted to compete in any program, and you’ll be kissing those championship trophies and Olympic dreams goodbye.” Your coach yelled, storming out of the rink, the doors slamming loudly behind her. 

Once out of her presence, the two of you immediately separated, going to different sides of the rink, finally happy to be separated from one another. The joy was short lived, as another person entered the rink, this time it was not your coach, it was instead his. “Here. Now!” Coach Lee yelled, his patiences even lower than your coaches. He did not even wait for the both of you to get to where he stood, before he continued yelling, “Your school does not start back for two months, you two will be practicing every single day, so get over your feelings of superiority now, neither of you is better than the other, and when competing as a team, it’s not a fucking competition. You do some stupid shit on the ice and you not only embarrass yourself, you embarrass us, and if you think we are harsh on you now, just you try some bullshit during the competition, you’ll see just how harsh this training can be.” Lee screamed out, taking a breath before starting to talk at a normal volume. “I do not want to see either of you in this rink for the next 3 days, go do some team building stuff, become friends, at the least, become tolerable of one another. I want you two to come in on Friday like whole new people. Go to the arcade, go on a picnic, go to the beach, do whatever you young people do and at the least, tolerate each other. If you have this much awkward tension and anger towards each other while performing, the judges and audience will be able to tell, you won’t be able to work well together and you’ll get a low score. I want you both to go pack up, exchange numbers, go get dinner together, and plan what you are going to be doing the next few days together. Put aside whatever troubled past the two of you have, and turn over a new leaf, you are partners now, you are working together, and you both need to get over that. And I will find out if you don't spend time together, I will be talking to your parents. There is a carnival in town, you two could try that.” Coach Lee finished, clapping his hands loudly, dismissing the two skaters in his presence. 

Skating away to exit the ice, nearing the locker room, the only feeling you could feel was shame. The way you had been yelled at by not only your coach, but his coach, left you feeling like a punished child. Entering the locker room, a set was taken on the bench in front of the locker adorned with your name. Taking your skates off, they were thrown into the waiting gym bag, staring at the ceiling. It took all the power within your body to not scream in anger despite your brain telling you to do so. Nothing would be worse than this, not just having to work with him, but spend time outside of skating with him. Together skating was not happening, what did the coaches expect would happen if you two were alone together, you would suddenly become best friends. 

After taking a few calming breaths, it was time to change out of your skating clothing, while it was nice and chilly within the rink, you knew the moment you hit the doors outside you would be sweltering. Changing, you slipped your gym bag onto your shoulder, hoping that Sunghoon had forgotten all about the hanging out, so home would be the only place for you to be going. Sadly, the boy knew how scary his coach could be, and instead was waiting outside the locker room door, phone in hand. 

He handed his phone to you with no words, it already pulled up to the add contact page, typing your number quickly, you passed it back to him, not wanting to hold the cursed device for longer than necessary. With a vibration of the phone in your back pocket, it notified you that he had sent you a message, giving yourself his number. Starting to walk past him, towards the doors, it was not even ten steps in when he started to pass you. 

“Let’s go, I’ll drive.” Sunghoon coldly said to you, hiking his own bag further up on his shoulder, as he stepped past you, exiting the doors to the outside. Had he been watching, he would have seen the obvious look of disgust that fell upon your face.

Pushing the door open to exit, since he could not even be bothered to hold it open for the person who was only a few steps behind himself, you scoffed. “No thanks, I’ll just wait for my parents.” Like hell you would go somewhere with him, the whole spend time together thing, you will just lie and say you did. As the male started to speak, you were not paying attention, instead focusing on your phone which started to buzz, a couple messages from your parents. ‘The coaches let them know that you and Sunghoon would be hanging out tonight and that Sunghoon would bring you home’, of course you should have known they would actually notify your parents, with a groan, you turned to the tall boy in front of you. “Fine, let’s go.”

Sunghoon was not shocked that you were not listening, or that you interrupted him. Watching as you started off towards his car, he quickly started to walk over to it. “Yeah, let’s go.” He said, unlocking his car doors, throwing his bag into the backseat, before climbing into the driver’s seat. He was quick to buckle his seat belt, before starting the engine, the car coming to life at once. As he prepared to leave the parking lot, he could not think of where to go, turning to ask his guest, he knew that would be vain, since you were staring so intently at your phone, you probably would not answer him regardless. Pulling onto the road, he decided to just go to the first place that came to mind, a little diner he would go to with his boys all the time. 

Texting Karina, you lamented about your situation, the death of your joy from being forced to be in close proximity with your worst enemy. Even over text, you could tell Karina was laughing about the situation, joking that ‘you might be in the start of your enemies to lovers Wattpad era’. Despite her humorous text, you could not find the situation funny, you would be practicing with him daily, and then once school started you would be around all the time. Karina sent a reply saying ‘maybe this is the universe's way of telling you to get over the rivalry and kiss already’. 

Occupied with the phone in your hand, you did not realize Sunghoon had even left the parking lot, let alone arrived at a location until he started to clear his throat. Noticing the stopped car, and the boy in the process of leaving his car, you followed suit. Exiting the vehicle, you met him at the front of his car, following him into the small little diner. You had never been into this diner before, it just was not the kind of place your friend group would have hung out, but seeing how the waitresses reacted seeing Sunghoon, it was the type of place his friend group would hangout.

Getting seated, it only took minutes for you to have menus and drinks in front of you. After ordering something, the table was quiet as you sat waiting for your food to arrive, neither of you wanting to break the uncomfortable silence. You continued to message Karina, updating her on everything, her annoying text crying about how you were on a date with Sunghoon, despite your denial and claiming it is only business.

Sunghoon sat silently, not knowing what to say or how to start, but seeing you on your phone was a good place. “You could at least put your phone up and we can start to discuss what we need to do.” He said it came off a lot more scolding and cold than he planned, but he honestly did not care at this point. He just wanted to get this over with, so you could perform together, then hopefully never have to look each other in the face again. 

Scoffing, you texted Karina that you had to go, seeing her quickly replying with a comment about you two making out already, before putting it up. Looking at him, it felt odd, seeing him outside the rink, outside of the classroom. “We need to be able to get through this performance, just act like we don’t hate each other. As soon as we are done, we can go back to wishing we never had to be in the same room.” Sunghoon said, before extending a hand towards you, attempting to make some sort of agreement.

Extending your own hand, you shook his hand, before quickly dropping it. “We get through this performance, and then we go back to how we were before.” It was an easy agreement, since neither of you wanted to do this, but here you were. “We need to figure out what we are going to do for the rest of this week. However, they want us to spend time together, but that doesn’t mean we have to enjoy each other's presence.” 

As the conversation was flowing, the food that had been ordered arrived, starting to eat, you thought about what you could do. Before setting foot back into the skating rink, the two of you needed to be able to at least be able to tolerate each other’s presence. Just being around each other was half the struggle, you could not learn the routine and be expected to perform it, if the two of you fought every time you were within the vicinity of each other. Your thoughts however were interrupted by a voice.

“What if we go to that carnival they are having in town, like Coach Lee mentioned?” Sunghoon questioned, in between shoveling food into his mouth. “That way we aren’t alone, being around others might make this whole forced bonding somewhat better.” 

With a nod, you thought to yourself it might be the first good idea he’s ever had in his life. “Yeah, that would be okay. That way we can also go do other things if we start to fight, and I think it probably won’t be as dangerous as the rink could be if things get bad.” You said, the last part a murmur, before you continue to enjoy your own food.

As the two of you finished up eating, paying, and soon were back in his vehicle. Telling him your address, he quickly drove towards the side of town you lived on, going towards your house to drop you off. Exiting his vehicle, you thanked him, before running into your own house. After about twenty minutes you received a text from Sunghoon. He notified you that he made it home, and said to be ready at noon, since that was when he would be picking you up tomorrow for the carnival. 

The two of you continued to text after that, quickly eight at night turned into midnight, and before long two in the morning, and you had fallen asleep waiting for his reply. Waking around ten in the morning, you thought it was odd how easily the two of you were able to talk without being face to face. Granted, most of the conversation was little things like what your hobbies are, what music you like, what movies you like, and other interests of yours. As you readied yourself to take a shower, you thought for the first time, maybe working with him will not be as bad as you thought it would be. 

Getting dressed and having just finished drying and styling your hair, you heard a honk outside, followed by a vibration from your phone, notifying you of a text. Grabbing your phone and bag, you quickly made the way outside, seeing Sunghoon sitting in your driveway waiting for you. Quickly climbing into his car, you found yourself on the way to spend the day with him.. 

As he pulled into a small cafe, you exited his vehicle, following him inside as the two of you decided to eat lunch before going to the carnival. The conversation face to face was much more stunted than when you were texting, it was as though when texting you can imagine you are talking to someone else, but here face to face, you know it is just him. The two of you quickly finished your food and coffee, before resuming your trip to the carnival. 

Upon entering the carnival grounds, you were surprised it was not that busy, but then again, it was the middle of the day during the week, most people were still at work. “Let’s go on the rides before they start to get really busy?” Sunghoon’s voice caught your attention, nodding your head, you followed him with haste, as you neared the rides. 

Ride after ride, you were thankful that he suggested going on the rides first, since as the day went on, more and more people were arriving, queues turned from five minutes into thirty. As the two of you exited the last ride, you both wandered around the carnival grounds for a bit, taking in everything else there was to see. The extremely rigged carnival games caught your eye, while some obscene ridiculous fried food that consisted of something that should have not been battered and fried caught Sunghoon’s attention. “Let’s split up, and text when we are ready to leave?” You offered, watching as he quickly nodded, walking in an opposite direction from you.

Splitting up, you started to play a bottle toss game, attempting to knock down a stack of bottles that more than likely were either being held down with glue, or just too heavy for the small baseball to knock down. Eyeing the grey bunny hanging upon the vendor’s tent, you were determined to win, wanting nothing more than the small fuzzy animal to be your companion. Try after try, you failed, luckily no one else was waiting, so you just kept trying. It was the tenth time you had provided the vendor with your money, honestly, you had probably given him more than what the stuffed animal was worth at that point, when you decided to give up. Moving onto another game, hoping you would have more success.

Sunghoon watched from afar, eating his deep fried delicacy, as you stared starry eyed at the floppy eared grey bunny. He stifled a laugh watching as you failed to knock over even one single bottle, one failure turned into two, then five, then ten. He watched as you dejectedly walked away, seemingly giving up on obtaining the stuffed toy. Finishing his food, he made his way over towards the vendor, getting into line behind some other couples that were attempting the game. If you asked him what he was thinking, he would have said he did not know, why did he feel bad watching you fail repeatedly after seeing how badly you wanted the stuffed animal, why did he feel the need to win it for you now, why did his heart slightly ache watching you walk away sadly empty handed. As he got to the front of the queue, he paid for his turn, and he somehow managed to hit the stack of bottles just right, watching as the six bottles all tumbled at once. At that moment, even the vendor seemed shocked, muttering something about how the heat must have weakened the glue, but Sunghoon could care less, “The grey rabbit,” he quickly told the man, watching as the guy quickly grabbed it, handing it to him, before rushing him off so he could reset his game. By the time the rabbit was in hand, you had disappeared, off playing another game, leaving him stuck carrying the grey toy until he could find you again. 

Venturing off, you started to play other games, winning little rings and candy bars, but no one else had a grey stuffed rabbit, much to your displeasure. Stopping at a food vendor, you bought a treat, as you finished it, you decided the only thing left for you to do was try that bottle game again, and maybe you would have better luck. Walking all over the carnival grounds, you searched for that game again, it took a while to finally find it, having ended up on the total opposite side of the grounds from where it was. As you neared the game, you saw the worst sight, an empty spot right where the bunny had hung just prior, someone else had already won it. With a sigh, you pulled your phone out, sending a quick text to Sunghoon, asking if he was ready to go, with a quick reply of sure, you told him you would meet him by the front gates. As you walked towards the front gates, you decided you would just have to buy a stuffed rabbit yourself, it would not be as fun as winning one, but at least you would have one then.

Nearing the gates, Sunghoon had beaten you to the gates, of course he would however, with his long legs making two of your steps into one. As you neared him, he caught sight of you, an odd look in his eyes, a look you had never seen before. Finally standing besides him, you felt something being shoved at you, taking it with shock, you looked down. Within your hands was the grey rabbit, looking up at Sunghoon, you started to mutter, “What..what..” unable to make a coherent thought. 

Watching as Sunghoon ran his hand through his hair, he left out a sigh. “I saw you eyeing it, and you sucked at that game and it was pretty funny. But I felt kinda bad. I don’t want it. Just take it or I’ll throw it away.” He said, words taking no pauses, unsure of what to say, so he said everything. 

You were taken aback, first at how soft he sounded, but then how harsh. He just could not make up his mind to be rude or nice, but you simply nodded your head, holding the rabbit close to your chest. “Thank you.” Being the only words to slip through your lips. With a nod, you started to follow him back to his car, hearing one of the gate working fawning over such a cute teenage couple, while another woman complained to her boyfriend about why could he not be sweet like that and get her a stuffed prize; you wanted to correct them, but you were by his car when it finally hit you what they said. 

Climbing into his car, you decided he must have not heard what they said. Yet, as he started the car, he was thinking about it as well, having heard it. He started to leave the parking lot, fighting through the mass of traffic, people getting off work and bringing their families to enjoy a night at the carnival. As he drove you thought he would be taking you home, but instead he pulled into a familiar diner, the one he took you to yesterday. “Let’s eat dinner before we go home.” Was all he said, before exiting the car, leaving you to quickly follow him. 

The conversation this time flowed a lot better than it had this morning. You could only guess it was the result of spending roughly seven hours experiencing the joy and fun of a carnival with him, which had made you two closer. Discussing the rides and games you played, and finally deciding what to do tomorrow. Just deciding to have an easy day, go to the movies and maybe hang out at the park afterwards. 

The two of you finished eating dinner, to your surprise, Sunghoon quickly paid for it before you could pay for your own, leaving you shocked at his act, but that single act was a sign of the progress you two had made in just forty-eight hours. Climbing back in his car, staring at the road as he drove you home, you started to think maybe you never really hated him. Maybe it was just envy, envy that he was so much better at something you had trained so hard for your whole life, but it was not his fault he was naturally talented at it. As he parked in your driveway, you started to leave his vehicle, grabbing the rabbit, you turned to him, “I really enjoyed hanging out with you today.” You said to him quickly, before closing the door and making your way into your house, leaving him no chance to respond. 

Pulling away from your house, if you could read minds, then you would have known that he honestly felt the same. As you laid in your bed, the stuffed rabbit situated on your pillow, you finally pulled your phone from your back pocket. With all the fun you were having, you completely forgot to respond to Karina’s texts, and they were sure a mess when you finally read them. 

The first text she had sent you was a text asking if you were ‘spending time with your boyfriend today’, followed by roughly ten text of question marks, and a text saying ‘too busy making out with your boy to answer me’ followed by five crying faces. You quickly texted her back, ‘we had to hang out, remember’, ‘we did not make out’, and he is not my boyfriend’. After replying to those two, you scrolled to the rest of her messages, only to see a photo of the two of you taken at the carnival. The two of you were hand in hand, he was leading you from ride to ride, and the still was taken between two of the rides. She sent the picture along with twenty hearts of varying colors, saying ‘you and your boyfie’. Seeing the picture you immediately responded to it saying ‘who took this picture?’, and then once again repeating ‘he is not my boyfie’. 

As you were replying to all of Karina’s texts, you got one from Sunghoon, leaving her and her delusions, you replied to him. He said he got home, and then confirmed the details for tomorrow, telling you when he would pick you up, and for you to have a good night. It was odd, but you honestly felt at peace talking to him, it was better than you would have thought. As you finished replying to him, Karina replied to you, ‘i took the pic bestie you were too enamored with your lover boy to notice I was at the carnival as well’, then quickly texting ‘i was gonna come up to you but i didn’t want to ruin your date’. Laughing at her reply, you could not believe your luck, of course she would be there, despite you not telling her you would be at the carnival. ‘It wasn’t a date’ you replied before adding ‘and he’s not my lover boy.’ As you sent the text, Karina was quick to send another, ‘he might not be your lover boy yet but mark my words he will be’.

With that last text, you put your phone up, deciding it was enough Karina for tonight. Her and her delusions can live happily together on their own, since you were tired after your fun day. As you drifted in and out of sleep, your mind started to think about what Karina said, and then started considering that maybe it would not be that bad if it was true. Yet, only if you knew that what she said was not just all delusions that live in her head.

The next few days went great, going to the movies, going to the park, going to the carnival again, and just hanging out with him. After a few days, you two honestly were getting along together a lot better than you would have thought. Had someone asked you last week what you would do if Sunghoon and you were in a small car together, you would have probably said fight, but instead the truth was talk about random things and sing along to random songs on the radio.

 Before you knew it, it was time for you two to resume training, yet this time you two were ready. Throughout the prior week, the two of you had gotten used to each other’s company, you had become friends, and honestly the idea of skating with him did not seem as bad as you once thought. Starting to learn the program, the two of you quickly got the routine down, by the end of your first week you were just perfecting the routine. Even your coaches were shocked by the amount of growth the two of you had made during the week prior. 

Practice soon just became the two of you running through your routine a few times, before just playing around the skating rink the rest of the time. Your coaches thought it might take the whole two months before school started to get you two comfortable with skating together, and having the whole routine down. But, instead here you two were three weeks in with a perfect routine, and wasting other time doing various tricks, giving each other advice, and just having fun. 

The summer flew by, the two of you growing closer, even your coaches were confused as to what kind of relationship you had, both thinking you must be dating, due to how close you were. Your phone constantly was going off with text from Karina, her talking about your lover boy and giving you some oddly good advice coming from her, ‘if you don’t ask him out someone else will and you’ll miss your chance’. But, you did not know how he felt, since you had to skate with him, and you did not want to ruin the friendship you had forged throughout the past weeks. Yet, unbeknownst to you, he felt exactly the same.

Before you knew it, it was the last week before school started, and you had a competition to attend with your skating partner. As always, the routine went perfectly, each jump was executed perfectly, every lift was executed with ease. It was no surprise as the two of you received what were the highest scores of your skating careers, it showed you two were really meant to be pairs partners, even scoring higher than you ever did in singles. Despite having only been skating together for two months, the two of you easily took the gold, blowing all the other teams out of the water. The sheer amount of talent and passion was easily seen in your dancing, and you both played off each other’s energies so well. 

As the judge announced you as the winner, you quickly hugged Sunghoon, he returned the favor. For a fleeting moment, it seemed as though you thought he might try to kiss you, but that was quickly over, the two of you having to focus on accepting your trophies and medals. The happiness and joy was evident in the air, you would have never thought competing with instead of against Sunghoon would bring you so much joy. After the mandatory photos and congratulations of your competitors and the judges, the two of you found your way back towards the locker rooms of the rink you were in. 

You moved slightly as Sunghoon hit your hip with his own, gaining your attention with that cheeky movement. “You did good out there.” Was all that he said, before taking your hand in his own. You started to think of your own reply, but it never came out of your mouth. After taking your hand, Sunghoon had pulled you completely against his chest, his arm wrapping around your waist, before his head leaned down, quickly connecting his lips with yours.

Kissing Sunghoon felt like a fever dream, was it real, were you really kissing him, did he actually feel the same way you did. As you returned the kiss, bringing your empty hand up to wrap around his neck, pulling him closer, as if there was any gap of space between you two. Breaking apart only as you both started to feel the slight burn in your throat from the absence of air, he rested his forehead against yours, gazing up into his eyes, you knew it was true, he felt the same way. “You did good.” You simply said, as the two of you separated, needing to go get out of your skating outfits. At your comment, you saw Sunghoon raise his eyebrow, obviously taking your comment to mean something else, “I mean on the ice you loser.” was quickly added.

With a short laugh, and a final soft kiss to your forehead, Sunghoon paused at the door to the men’s locker room. “Sure you did.” Was all he said, the sarcastic tone dripping from his words, he definitely took your comment as a compliment, and he would have it no other way. With that, he gave you no chance to respond, instead entering the locker room, leaving you standing in the hall.

Entering your own locker room, you changed into your comfortable clothing. Throwing everything into your gym bag, you prepared to leave, it was like everything hit you all at once. What had happened this summer would have been something you would think was a nightmare, had you been told about a year ago. Sunghoon and you were now friends, skating in pairs, and possibly about to be something more than friends. Leaving the room, you saw Sunghoon standing there, without saying anything he took your hand, leading you out of the rink and to his car. 

As he placed your bags into the bag seat of his car, you texted your parents to let them know that Sunghoon would be bringing you home. Getting in as Sunghoon opened the door for you, with a sigh you then watched as he walked over to his own door, observing the male as he climbed in and started the car. The car ride to the diner was a comfortable silence, but during the whole ride, something was nagging at you, the idea of were you or were you not. Seeing how other than kissing you, he took no initiative to clarify what you two were, you decided to take it upon yourself. “What are we?” You asked, just as the car came to a stop, the diner in front of the car.

 “What do you want us to be?” Sunghoon asked, as he turned to look towards you. “Since I know what I want, but I don’t know if you feel the same.” 

Taking his hand, you started to play with his fingers as you stared into his eyes. “I think you know how I feel after earlier.” You reminded him. “And if you feel how I feel, then I want it just like you do.” Was all you said, before softly smiling at him.

Sunghoon simply took the hand that was playing with his fingers within his own hands, lifting it up his face, before softly kissing your hand. “Are you religious? Because you are the answer to all my prayers.” Was all he said, before lowering your hand, waiting for an answer.

Listening to his reply, you could not stop yourself from laughing. After seeing a cold Sunghoon for so long, it was odd to see a goofy pickup line using man in front of you. “Did you- Did you just use a pick up line on me?” You said in between your laughs.

As you started to laugh, Sunghoon did as well, laughter filled the car for a moment. It took a while for either of you to calm down enough to talk, and when he finally did, all he said was “Yes. Did it work?” 

With a short laugh, a nod of your head, you unbuckle your seatbelt. “You didn’t need to use a pickup like to get me. You’ve already got me.” As you told him that, you leaned across his car’s middle console, bringing him into another kiss. The hand that was not being held by him found its way into his hair, holding him as close as you could in his cramped space. 

For a moment, Sunghoon froze as your lips met his, before he quickly melted into the kiss. He released your hand that he held, one arm wrapping around your waist, pulling you against the console as much as he could, attempting to eliminate any space he could in between you, never wanting this to end. The two of you continued to kiss until the familiar feeling from before hit you, separating and leaning against each other’s foreheads, the both of you tried to catch your breaths. “I guess we can call this our first date.” Sunghoon said, once he felt able to talk again.

With a soft laugh, you looked up at him, “Usually you kiss after the date.” You notified him, before quickly placing another kiss on his lips, this time, pulling away before he could reciprocate. “Not before it.” You added, as you removed your hands from his hair, before leaning against the seat, still somewhat out of breath.

“Well, I guess we just did some things backwards,” Sunghoon replied, before he climbed out of the car. He quickly came to your side, opening the car door and helping you out. Hand in hand, the two of you entered the diner, the usual waitress that would serve you after your practices, noticing the two of you. A look in her eyes tells you that she had been waiting for this as well, it seems like everyone knew the two of you had feelings for one another, but each other. 

Before long Sunghoon was pulling into your driveway, this time walking you to your front door, instead of just staying in the vehicle and making sure you got inside. “I enjoyed tonight.” You told him, as he walked you hand in hand to the door. Once at your door, you wrapped your arms around him, pulling him into a hug. 

“I enjoyed it too, and it will be the first of many.” Sunghoon said, reciprocating the hug, before he kissed you once more. This time, it was a fleeting peck, he then kissed your forehead and tip of your nose before releasing you from the hug. “Have a good night.” He said, pulling back and raising his arm, your gym bag in his hand. 

Taking the bag, you turned to open the front door. “You too.” You said, before heading in, watching as he walked back to his car. Observing from the window by the front door, you watched him reenter his car, before backing up and driving away. After having the best skating performance of your life and a wonderful date with who at this time in your life, you feel is the love of your life. Telling your parents good night, you started towards your room. As you walk upstairs, you could hear your mother comment on the two of you. It seems even your parents felt the same way as the waitress, knowing the two of you would end up together. 

Entering your room, flopping on your bed, it took everything in you not to squeal in happiness, instead you kicked your feet for a moment, the joy overtaking your body, a happiness you have honestly never felt before. After a few minutes, you decided to share the news, quickly video calling Karina, knowing she would be awake and waiting for updates. It only took one ring for her to answer, and you immediately started to spill everything to her. “We won,” was the start, but she was at the competition, and she knew that already. “And he kinda kissed me and then took me on a date.”

Karina was not as calm as you, the scream she released was heard through your phone speaker. “WHAT! HE WHAT! FINALLY!” Karina started to scream. “It took you all this time to realize you liked each other, I thought we might have been entering our idiots in love slowburn era, it took you two months, TWO MONTHS!” She said, not even giving you a chance to respond, but you just let her get all her feelings out. “I told you that you were going to fall for him, I told you. He’s your boyfriend, I told you this would happen, oh my god, I’m like a fortune telling, I told the future.” Karina started going off on some tangent, but at some point you just quit listening, falling asleep while on video chat with her.

Waking up in the morning, it was odd to see a text from Sunghoon, it said ‘good morning beautiful’, and that made you realize it was not a dream, you did not dream up this elaborate thing, it was real, indeed very real. Texting him back, you two started to plan your day, where to hang out and what to do. With it being only a week until school started, your routine stayed the same, hanging out and going on dates, enjoying being around one another, as school officially started. Yet, this routine of being together did not even change in the years to come.

Meeting him officially the summer before sophomore year, learning there was more to him than just being better at skating than you, was the most life changing moment of your life. You never thought that the person you once viewed as your enemy would be the one you were holding hands with in the hall, sneaking kisses from when no one was looking, and enjoying dates after hard practices at the rink with. You never thought that you would be the target of the looks of envy and hatred from the girls infatuated by him, usually Karina and you would make fun of the girls. Yet, here you were the target of their hatred, the fact that you did something they could never achieve, made him fall in love with you. It felt so natural, no one would understand what you had to do like he did, and you were both thankful for it. 

Competing in pairs was something you had never thought of, but here you were three years into doing them, having taken nothing but golds with your handsome boyfriend by your side. Yet, as senior year was ending, things were starting to change. No longer was it talking about summer competitions, it was talking about college degrees and majors. Where did he want to go, where did you want to go, and oddly enough the surprise you both had when you found out you were accepted into the same school, Decelis University. 

Had you known everything would change in a moment, you would have savored those moments a bit more. Enjoyed the feeling of being in his arms for a moment longer, the warmth he somehow provided despite the cold of the ice skating rink, the way he lit a fire in your heart, a feeling you never wanted to let die out. If only you could have predicted the future, well the genuine truth was, if only you had been more careful, and then it would not have happened. 

Most people imagine their life in a realistic way, graduating high school, going to college, graduating college, getting a good job, getting married, and then starting a family. But life does not always work like that, sometimes the steps are out of order. Like when you two had your first kiss before your first date, that kind of out of order was cute and fun. But with it being only three months until you graduated high school, you realize you were doing things out of order as well, but this time it was not in the cute or fun way some people do. 

Nothing hurt you as much as that little pink plus sign staring up at you from the test within your hand. You did not want to admit to your parents your cycle had been late, instead telling your best friend Karina. She would never judge you, since she would be a hypocrite especially seeing how she had had her own scares, which is why you felt comfortable coming to her. Yet, with the positive test in hand, you wanted to do nothing more than rewind your life back twenty minutes, and never bring the topic up. Ignore it until it was too late and others could tell, yet, at that point he would have also been able to tell. 

“Hey, don’t worry, it might just be a false positive,” Karina’s voice said, trying to be helpful, “take another, or two more, that way we can be absolutely certain.” Wordlessly you allowed her to shove two boxes in your hands, before pushing you back into the bathroom.

Ten minutes later, there sat three tests, identical little pink plus signs on each of them. It did not take long for Karina to realize what was going on, as she heard a concealed sob from the other side of the door. She quickly entered, enveloping you in her arms, the scene in front of her was all she needed to see. No words were spoken, the only sounds within the bathroom being your sobs, as your best friend held you close, letting you cry into her shoulder while sitting uncomfortably on her bathroom floor. 

How long you cried, you were unsure of, just letting the tears fall until it felt like there were no more tears left to cry. Finally did you stand, resting your head on Karina’s shoulder as you spoke for the first time in a while, “What am I going to do?” Your voice was meek, weak, and soft, the consequences of all the crying you had just done. Luckily she did not reply, instead dragging you towards the comfort of her bed, allowing you to flop onto the pillow mattress, knowing the next conversation would be even worse.

Karina sat next to you, occasionally patting your head as she thought of what to say next. This was not the situation either of you thought you would be in, not at this point in your life, you still had three months of high school left, you had your college life, your career, your whole life ahead of you, but at the moment, it was all murky and uncertain. “You have to tell him,” was what she finally decided upon saying, “you aren’t alone, it’s his fault as well. You need to tell him.” 

It was in that moment that it finally hit you, not only was your future dangling in the balance, but now his future was as well. Shaking your head you finally sat up, looking Karina in the eyes as you took her hands. “He can not find out, I’ll figure out something, but please promise me you won’t say anything, especially not to him. Please you need to promise me that.” You started to plead, the desperation obvious in your voice. While this might ruin your dreams of olympic figure skating fame, you would not allow it to ruin his. 

A huff slipped from Karina’s lips before she nodded. “He’ll find out eventually, but I won’t tell him, but you will need to tell him soon.” She told you, unbeknownst to her, that you had already started formulating an idea of what to do within your head. Which within this plan, he does not find out, and you plan to keep it that way. After spending the day with Karina, the plan was already set within your head, you might ruin your own life, but you would not drag him down with you. 

The first stage of your plan was to let your parents know, which oddly enough was easier done than you expected. The anger and disappointment you expected from them was absent, instead they were disappointed in themselves, angered that you felt you could not come to them with this. It hurt watching your mother cry as you explained yourself, “I never want you to feel you can’t come to us with something,” your mother cried, as you watched your father try to awkwardly soothe the two of you. 

It was comforting knowing that they would support you the way you needed to be, be there for you and their future grandchild. While they disagreed with your idea to not tell Sunghoon, you were clear that your mind would not change, he had the potential to be the next olympic star, and you would not drag him down with you. It was with their help that you got the next stage of your plan completed.

The second stage of your plan was still going to be attempting college. Just because you were pregnant and going to be having a child, you were not going to let that define your future, you would go to college, get a degree, and get a good job for them. Yet, you had been accepted to your dream college, which was the same one Sunghoon had been accepted to as well, but luckily you had connections abroad. One call to your grandmother and she was clearing two rooms, while your parents helped you research universities in that area. Luckily you had not missed the application date for some of the universities that had your chosen major, quickly applying, and getting those acceptance emails. After high school graduation, you were leaving the country, going to live with your grandmother, and attending a university just twenty minutes from her house. 

The third stage was the hardest stage of all, you had to break his heart, break your own heart, and remove yourself from his life. Just months earlier you would have said Sunghoon was the love of your life, you had started to envision a life with him, both in the skating world and outside of it. It would be a lie if you said you had not thought about your future, the idea of your boyfriend becoming your husband, the two of you living the rest of your life happily together. But, this was reality, not some daydream, and things do not always work out in real life. 

You wanted to end things before graduation, but each and every time you could not. The way he looked in your eyes with nothing but love, causing you to stop in your tracks, instead just going along with what he had planned. The way he held your hand like you were the most precious thing in his life, caused your heart to break a little bit more each and every time you thought of what you had to do. Putting it off made it worse, and before long it was the day of high school graduation, and you had to do it that day, otherwise you might just leave him with no closure, and as much as it hurt, you could not do that. 

The happy photos and joy of graduation had ended two hours prior, and now here you sat, hand in hand on the hood of his car, still in the parking lot at the school, watching as people milled about, slowly leaving. “I need to tell you something,” you started, knowing it would only get harder the more you waited, “I’m moving.” 

Sunghoon nodded his head, without much thought, “Are you living in the dorms at Decelis or in the apartments off campus? I mean if it’s the apartments, we could always go in together, I wouldn’t mind getting out of my house, my little sister is getting to that annoying teenager stage and all afterall.” He was optimistic about the future, especially a future with you.

Shaking your head, you softly sighed, while you would love nothing more than that, it was just not in the cards for you. “No, Sunghoon, I’m moving, moving. Like leaving here, moving. I know we talked about Decelis, but I’ve been accepted near where my grandma lives. She needs my help, so I’m moving to be with her. I wish it didn’t have to be like this, I wish I could stay here, but I just can’t, she needs me more.” You said, once you started talking, it seemed like you needed to fill the void, coming up with things about your grandmother, lies at that. 

“And I just, I love you, but I think it would be best if we just broke up. We are going to be in different places, different time zones, around different people, and I just think it would be for the best. You can probably find someone way better than I am for you in college, and you can focus on your skating. I think it would be for the best.” Despite wanting to be brief, instead it was practically like you were unable to stop talking, everything coming out rushed, part of you hoping he at least heard you, so you did not have to repeat yourself. Since, if you had to say again, you might break down, and you were hoping to save that until you were at home and alone.

“What,” was the first thing from Sunghoon’s mouth, “what are you talking about, moving, grandma, breakup. We can make it work, we can do long distance, I have faith in us, we can make it. Don’t just say it so easily, we can do anything, I believe in us.” He said, as your words started to hit him. He thought he knew you like the back of his hand, but it seems like he did not. There were so many things he did not know about you, it shocked him. You were moving out of the country, you were leaving him, and you were breaking up with him. 

You refused to reply to him, instead just sitting in the uncomfortable silence, as what was said started to settle. He was the one to move from where you were seated first, wrenching his hands from yours, and getting off the hood of the car. Staying where you were for another moment, you wanted to relive those moments again, holding his hands and sharing soft kisses under the moonlight, before this uncomfortable tension set in. Moving, you stood up, making sure to stay on the opposite side of the car from where he stood. 

“Get in the car, I’ll take you home.” Was all Sunghoon said, a coldness audible from his words. He had dreamed of a future with you, being the it couple on campus, possibly going to the Olympics together, skating with one another for as long as time would allow. He was happy, and he thought you were as well, but all he can think is that sometimes people are wrong, and he was wrong for thinking you felt the same as he did. 

The ride home was silent, neither of you spoke, and despite how much it hurt, you just kept reminding yourself it was for the best. He can continue skating like nothing happened, he can move on to someone better, and you will move on with your life. Raise your child, your daughter according to what the latest ultrasound results claimed, and allow him to achieve what you know he can. It felt like time was passing extremely slowly as he drove to your house, minutes feeling like hours, and you hated it, no longer was the silence comfortable or enjoyable, it was cruel and it was cold. 

Not a word was spoken as he stopped in front of your house. It hurt as you heard his car’s engine revving, quickly driving off, before you had even approached the door of your house. Tears began to fall, knowing you had hurt him so badly he did not even care enough to make sure you got to your front door. Entering the house, the tears fell faster, what little strength you had holding them in failed as you reached your room. It only took minutes for your pillow to be soaked, the pain you felt in this moment, worse than any pain you felt before. But, you would deal with it for him, you would not bring him down with you.

Stage three of your plan was the hardest, and you felt that pain as you cried almost all night. The tears only stopped when you passed out, your body being unable to take crying anymore. When you awoke the next day, it was close to three in the afternoon, yet with how much you were crying, it made sense. You had broken up with him, not all you had to do was remove any trace of yourself from his life. Mostly, any remnants of yourself from your joint refuge of years, the skating rink. 

For the two years you were together, the skating rink was a safe haven, where you often would enjoy each other's presence and have dates. It was where you met, where you worked through all your problems, where you fell in love, and now it needed to just be an ice rink, instead of everything it was before. Luckily you knew his schedule, you knew he would not be there, and you knew more than likely he was home doing the same thing you had been last night, crying. 

Entering the rink you immediately went to the locker room, clearing out the space that held your belongings for the last fourteen years. You had spent that long doing what you love, and here it was coming to an end quicker than you would have ever thought. As you stared at things you removed from the locker, mostly photos of your performances, specifically of stills from Sunghoon and your pairs performances, you failed to hear the doors of the locker room opening. Coach Kim might have been harsh, but she was always there when you needed her. It would be a lie if you said it did not hurt when you told her you were quitting, telling her the same story you told Sunghoon, your grandma and going abroad. But Coach Kim had been there in your life longer than he had, and she knew it was more than just that. 

“He’s gonna find out one of these days and feel extremely betrayed that you kept this from him.” Coach Kim’s voice softly said, within the silent and almost empty locker room. You could lie all you want, but she knew what was going on, she knew why you were quitting, but what she could not understand was why you were hiding it from him. A laugh slipped from her lips, looking at your shocked face, mouth agape trying to create a response. “Don’t deny it dear, I could tell you were pregnant last month. Skating is a good workout and it helps keep a lot of the weight from being gained, but I could still see that little bump on your lower stomach. I know you are quitting to not tell him, but you need to tell him, I genuinely think he would stand by you and support you. That boy’s in love with you, he would do anything for you, anything for the both of you.” Coach Kim sat on one of the benches, patting the spot besides her, for you to join her.

Sitting by her, it took everything in you not to cry once again. “I just, I can’t.” you muttered, trailing off, murmuring some unintelligible things. Staring at the photos in your hands, you started to question yourself. Was this plan really for the best, was it really what you needed to do, was telling him the truth better? But, at this point it was too late, you already made all your plans, flights were booked, and you had ended this with him. 

Gazing at the photo in your hands, Coach Kim smiled, it was from your first performance with him. “You know why we paired you two up?” She asked, eyes looking from the photo to you. “When he first joined, he watched you skate, he thought it was cool, and he commented to Coach Lee that he thought you were really pretty. We always thought that you two might become friends on your own, but instead of friendship, you both just seemed to hate each other. So, we decided to pair you both together. We thought you might become friends, that the bad energy between you two would go away. We never would have guessed that the two of you would fall in love, but honestly, watching as you got close, we realized it was inevitable. He would stare at you like you had put the stars up in the night sky just for him. And you would stare at him up at him like he was the moon in your dark night sky. You two completed each other, neither Lee nor I had seen such genuine passion between a pair, since you were not only passionate about skating, but also about each other. A little bit too passionate at the wrong time if you ask me.” She said, her hand gently brushing your stomach as she said her last sentence. Glancing at her watch, she started to stand, offering you her hand, to help you stand as well. “Don’t let this be a goodbye, just let it be a bye for now. You will always be welcome here, even if I’m not your coach and you aren’t training anymore. Our doors will always be open for you, and my office is open if you need to talk, and you know my phone number.” She finished, before heading out, having to attend her next session.

As she left, you were left with all your thoughts once again, and despite the feelings of regret, you had to push on, it already had been done, and you needed to see it through. Quickly you shoved everything in your bag, wanting to get out of here before you broke down crying. It was more difficult than you thought it would be, but maybe that was just because of Coach Kim’s speech. Leaving the locker room, it hurt, knowing this would probably be the last time you were here. Going from being here almost daily for fourteen years, to not being here at all, and despite how much you went through in training, you would miss this place. 

Stage four of your plan started as you arrived home, starting to pack up everything you had for the trip. You were going to stay abroad for who knows how long, a year, two years, maybe the rest of your life. But for now, you just packed essentials, two suitcases, your parents telling you they can always send more in boxes if you need it, but part of you knew it would be useless. It would either be things that do not fit anymore or things you no longer need. It took about twelve hours for you to be satisfied with how you were leaving everything, your room not empty, but trivial things set aside to be donated, broken things set aside to be trashed, and what you felt would have value set aside to be kept. Yet, there was one thing you hid, not wanting to see it, but also not wanting to trash it. A singular box, it was deep purple with silver stripes, within it held every memory of your time with Sunghoon. It sat on the top of your closet shelf, above some boxes of blankets and quilts you were leaving here, wanting nothing that would remind you of him to go abroad with you, except for your memories and the growing child in your stomach.

You kept yourself locked in your house for the next three days, not wanting to chance running into Sunghoon, his sister, or his parents in town. The only person you saw that was not family within those days was Karina, as she tried to convince you to stay, tell him, and live happily ever after. But, as she stood alongside your parents watching you board the plane, she knew even her attempts were useless. Karina stood in your mom’s embrace, the two of them crying, as your father wished things could be different. But in twenty-six hours you would be in another country, at your grandmother's house, rebuilding your life there away from everything you ever knew, and away from the love of your life.

Living with your grandmother was great, she was a wonderful person, and despite her views of your teenage pregnancy, she would always support you and be there for you. The first year living with your grandmother was great, despite six months into it a third roommate being born, she was always willing to help and be there. When you decided to take a gap year instead of starting university straight away, she was supportive of you. When you decided to get a job to help pay for things, she was always willing to care for her great granddaughter. Despite her old age, she was always there and willing to help you, whenever needed. 

A year became two, and then three. Being in your sophomore year at university with a two year old daughter was not something you would have thought was in your future had someone asked you years ago. In high school you would have claimed skating in the Olympics, or skating in the Olympics with Sunghoon, depending what year you asked. But here you were, raising a two year old, attending school, working, and supporting your grandmother. A life that was a lot better than you would have initially thought. 

Yet, not all things stay happy, they say bad things happen in groups of three. Despite it being near the end of your sophomore year, a time that should be joyous, you completed two years of university, it was anything but. It took one bad fall for your grandmother to end up in the hospital, actually, it took one bad fall for your grandmother to not be leaving the hospital at all. The house you were living in was taken out by a fire, a lightning bolt hitting it at the wrong time, igniting a fire and taking the whole thing down, luckily you were not at home when it happened. It took one regular check up for your mom to call you with bad news, your dad had been diagnosed with cancer, and he did not have long left. Despite leaving back home so quickly, you were still too late. A three in the morning call told you the worst news, he had passed, his last words being that he loved your mother, you, and Sohee. 

Three horrible things, just one after another. This was how you ended up in talks with your mother, planning to move back home, back in with your mother, and finishing your university there. You were shocked when you applied to Decelis and they accepted a transfer, even offering some of the same benefits you had been offered before. Three years should be enough, you thought, he should not be there or in your classes. You should not have to be around him or worry about him, or so you thought. 

Karina was the only friend you stayed in touch with during your time abroad, knowing she was the only one that would not immediately tell anyone who asked why you left. So, it was not a surprise when you entered the terminal only to hear a shrill voice yelling out your name, along with your daughter’s name. 

“SOHEE!!!!” Karina yelled at the top of her lungs, grasping the small child in her arms, squeezing her with one arm, as she began squeezing you with the other. A short laugh left your lips, as a look of realization fell upon your daughter's face. “You are just so much cuter in real life, oh my gosh photos aren’t enough.” Karina squealed, starting to pick up the two year old, as your daughter started to realize the woman in front of her was her auntie she only saw in photos. “And look at you, oh my gosh, you look amazing, I’d never guess you produced this while looking like that.”

Allowing Karina to carry your daughter, you grabbed your luggage, following the two of them as you left the terminal. “It’s so odd being back home. I thought we’d stay until I graduated at least. But it was just like one thing after another, but I’m glad we’re back. She’ll finally get to bond with her auntie in a way that isn’t just through facetime now.” You said, poking Karina with your elbow at the last part. “I’ll finally be able to have some me time, since you’ll get to enjoy some auntie and Sohee time.”

“I’ll take all the auntie and Sohee time I can get, like look at this precious little angel, what’s the worst she’s gonna do, bite me.” Karina said, still absolutely enamored with the child she was carrying in her arms. Loading the Sohee into a car seat, she then came back to help you load the luggage into the back of the car. “She really does look like him though.” She muttered, watching as you sadly nodded.

Despite DNA being a fifty-fifty sort of deal, it seems your daughter got his looks, even having identical moles on her nose like he had. If she had short hair, people would probably think it was a baby photo of Sunghoon, and not your daughter. “Hey, she’s got my attitude though, so I think that’s a bit more of a problem than the fact she looks identical to him.” You replied, your voice starting to weaken as you ended your sentence. You carried her for ten months, just for her to come out looking like the person you were trying to forget, as if that was not some type of cosmic justice in some way.

Getting into the car, Karina drove to your parents house, the drive quiet, as Sohee had fallen asleep in the car seat. “Is it bad that I don’t want to wake her?” Karina softly asked you, as you arrived at your house, Sohee’s sleeping figure in the car seat looking akin to an angel, a drastic contrast from the usual rambunctious and energetic toddler she usually is. 

The flight was stressful for the toddler, you were just luckily she had been quiet during it. Instead of screaming and crying, she was being coddled and cuddled by a sweet elderly couple that sat in the seats across from you, allowing you to rest as Sohee got all the attention her little heart desired from all the people around on the plane. She was genuinely such a lovely sweet child, and you were grateful for that. Even as an infant she did not throw much of a fuss, she slept through the night with ease, cried sparingly, and honestly was more mannered than most children. Even now, in her aptly named terrible twos, she was just energetic and excitable, rather than throwing tantrums and screaming at the top of her lungs. The energy and joy from the flight had worn off, causing her to sleep so deeply, you were sure even the slamming car door would not wake her.

Shaking your head, you turned and looked at Karina, watching her still observing her niece’s angelic sleeping face. “It’s fine, just keep an eye on her and I’ll take our stuff in. She’s probably tired from the flight, afterall we were on that plane for over twenty hours.” Getting out of the car, you quickly started removing your luggage from the back of Karina’s car, transporting it to your parents house. A sigh of relief passed your lips as you took out your old house key, seeing it still worked to unlock the door, placing your bags just within the door, you made a mental note to take them to your room later. 

Returning to the car, you were greeted with a bright and smiling face, little Sohee trying her hardest to get out of the carseat. “She woke up on her own,” Karina quickly said, thinking you may have thought she had awakened her. Simply nodding your head, you helped the child out of the carseat. Upon her small shoes hitting the ground, she was off, running circles around the grass of your house’s front yard. Karina exited her car, locking the doors before following you towards your house. A laugh slipped past your lips as you watched her quickly scoop up the running toddler, carrying her into the house, before you entered behind them. 

Sohee quickly took to exploring the new environment, luckily your mother had baby proofed the house the moment she heard the two of you were returning. With that thought, you needed to call your mom soon, see how she was doing. You knew how she handled stress, throwing herself in work and not taking any breaks. Leaving Karina to watch Sohee, you entered your old bedroom, it looked the same as the day you left it. Your parents really did leave it just in case you needed to come back, the only thing they did during the three years was clean it, keeping a layer of dust from accumulating. 

Calling your mother’s number, you expected her to answer it immediately as she always did, but assuming she was so tied up in her work, it was not a surprise when it went to voicemail. “Hey mom, call me when you see this. I just wanted to check in, see how you are doing. Sohee and I arrived safely, Karina brought us home, and Sohee’s currently finding her way around the house. Please don’t work too much, come home as soon as work is over, no overtime today, we’re excited to see you. I love you.” Ending the call you stared at your phone, seeing no immediate reply, it hurt, but you knew her, and hopefully she would see the message. 

Using the time Karina was spending with Sohee, you started to bring your luggage to your room, unpacking quickly. You were happy to see a second bed in your bedroom, allowing both Sohee and you to have your own bed. As you shoved your clothing in the dresser and closet, something caught your eye, a purple box, and it took everything in you not to pull it down from where it sat. Tears almost came to your eyes, before the little voice just outside the doorway caught your attention, “Mommy,” being yelled by little Sohee. 

“Yes, sweetie.” You replied, leaving the closet and seeing your sweet child staring up at you with wide eyes, before she started looking around the room. “This is my old room, and this is where we will be staying from now.” You simply told her, leaning down, looking in her eyes. “You see that bed right there,” you started, pointing to the smaller bed near the bigger bed, “that one right there is your bed, it’s all your own.” At that, the toddler squealed, running towards the Hello Kitty sheets covered bed, jumping onto it with excitement, pulling the soft pink sheets around her small body.

You were lucky she was taking this change well, she adapted to the new environment quickly, much quicker than you had when you moved. It was not even a minute later, her little body was in slumber, all her energy and excitement from earlier drained, she was once again asleep. Closing the door quietly behind you, you left the room, going to find Karina. Upon seeing her, the girl was looking around, obviously for Sohee thinking she lost the child. “She’s sleeping again, all the running tired her out.” A laugh slipped past your lips, seeing the obvious look of relief upon Karina’s face, letting her know she did in fact not lose your daughter. 

After soothing her worries, you found your way back downstairs, sitting on the couch, as Karina took a seat next to you. As the two of you sat together, you started catching up. It was like no time had passed at all, the conversation flowed between the two of you without much effort, with just as much ease as it had before you left. The only time it stilled was when you went to check on Sohee, bringing her down into the living room once more, seeing her awake. You learned all about what Karina was doing, where she worked, her major, and how much longer she had until graduation.

While she had not taken a gap year as you had, she did however change majors after two years, causing a whole year of her classes to be useless. Despite how it set her back, you were happy you would not be alone going into your junior year, especially hearing as she said she was majoring in the same program as you were. While you were happy to hear that, you were sad to find out that you two were not taking the same classes, meaning you would have to make some new friends, or at least new acquaintances. 

The conversation flowed, the two of you watching the young child playing on the floor, and it was not long before you heard a door opening. Your mother had finally arrived, it was late, the sun had already set an hour before, your mother obviously had not listened to her voicemails, instead throwing herself into work as she always did when stressed. At the arrival of your mother, Karina took her leave, excusing herself to go home. 

Despite it being past sweet Sohee’s bedtime, you could not find it in yourself to take her to bed, instead allowing her to stay up to see her grandma in person for the first time in a while. One of your biggest regrets was your father not having much time with her, however, you would make sure your mother got to spend all the time she wanted with your daughter. You were unable to change the past, but you would make sure your mother did not have the same fate. As you thought of that, a singular string of words passed through your mind, what about Sohee’s father, does he not deserve the same courtesy. 

A look of confusion painted your mother’s face as Karina slipped past her, leaving, then upon seeing her girls in the living room. “When did you get home?” She asked, setting her stuff on the floor, rushing over to pull you into a hug, before scooping Sohee’s small figure off the floor.

“I guess you didn’t listen to your voicemails.” You simply said, returning the hug, watching as your daughter clung to her grandma, recognizing her from photos. “We arrived a bit after noon, Karina picked us up and stayed with us until you got here.” The image of your mother softly bouncing your daughter, as she ruffled the girl's long black hair was a sight you would not forget, while the pregnancy was unplanned, at least Sohee was not unwanted or unwelcome in this world. 

Your mother shook her head, she had not even thought about checking her phone, expecting nothing but the usual regards from old friends and well wishes. She was completely enamored with the small girl in her arms, the little toddler clinging to her neck, yawning, obviously tired. “Let’s put her down and then we can continue talking.” 

Nodding your head, you watched as your mother took Sohee to your bedroom, tucking her into her bed. “I love you. Mama, nana, Rina.” gently slipped past the toddlers lips as she was laid in the bed, quickly falling asleep the moment her head hit the pillow.

The talk with your mother was long overdue, you rarely had time to speak when you were away, with time zones and all. You learned before about what had happened just before coming back, how your father went from fine to deathly ill, apparently he had not been fine, and had actually just been hiding it from your mother, so the onset was not sudden it was just hidden. While talking, your mother promised to cut back on her overtime, to only work until the end of her day, not hours over. Which, after seeing how she reacted to seeing her granddaughter, you had no doubt she was being truthful, obviously wanting to spend more time with the toddler. 

Going to bed after talking with your mom, you felt comfortable, maybe it was the old reliable bed that you were laying in, or maybe it was just being back home, the surroundings being something you were accustomed to. But, either way, you felt comfortable, sleep came with ease. Despite the stress of starting at a new university, you were excited for what was to come, for both you and your daughter. 

The next month went by quickly, days spent between looking for a job, hanging out with Karina, and raising your daughter. Your mother was true to her word, actually cutting back her hours, going to part time, allowing her to be around the home more. Karina was always a help as well, willing to watch Sohee while you went to job interviews and got your information changed back to your home address. It was not long before it was just before school was to start, you had been luckily enough to avoid running into any of your former high school classmates, but you knew you would not be as lucky at university, since you knew at least a few would probably be in the same program as you, and all you could hope was that no one caught on, the last thing you needed was for word to get back to him.

Your first day of university was on a Monday, meaning Karina was baby sitting Sohee, seeing how she had Tuesday and Thursday classes, and you were on your way to class. Upon sitting in your first class, it felt more homely than your classes abroad did, no longer were classes full of over five hundred people, instead they were capped at fifty, which you were thankful for. As the class started to fill, not a singular face was recognizable, as it finally was full, you knew no one, and for that, you were thankful. 

This happiness continued until you were in your last class of the day, the other three having not a singular familiar name or face, but of course your luck was running too thin by the end of the day. Class started as normal, the teacher reading the classlist, marking those who were there and those who were not. It was going great until they read a certain name, “Sim Jaeyun,” the teacher, Mrs. Byun read aloud, to no comment. Hearing the name, you thought it must just be someone with the same name, that can happen, it is not rare. “Jake Sim? Sim Jaeyun?” The teacher repeated, “Has anyone seen him, or is he just running late?” 

Hearing the name, your blood ran cold, it was him, of course it had to be someone you knew, and worst of all Sunghoon’s best friend. As the teacher continued, you started planning how to drop the class. It was not required by your major, you had like three other classes you could pick from, but none of them worked with your schedule. You were almost lost in thought when the door opened, and walked no other than Jake himself. 

You watched as he apologized to the teacher, saying something about running late in his prior class, before taking one of the only available seats in the class. After he entered, you looked back down at your desk, staring at the blank sheet of paper your notebook was opened to.  Had you been looking up, you would have seen the look of realization that fell upon his face as his eyes caught your figure. After marking Jake as present, she continued with the class list, your name being called soon after. “Here.”

Upon seeing your face, Jake thought to himself how uncannily that person looked like you. But, it could not be you, since it had been three years since you left to another country. He would have heard if you were back, or at least assumed he would have. Yet, upon hearing the teacher call your name, and a familiar voice responding, he knew he was right. It had been three years, but he would never forget the face of the person who destroyed his best friend, broke his heart, and ruined his dreams. If you were sitting closer to him, you would have been able to see his phone screen, as he sent a simple message to a group chat consisting of three people, Heeseung, Jay, and Sunoo. The message only said ‘she’s back’.

It felt like class was going on forever since you realized who it was sitting two seats in front of you. The end of class could not come quick enough, and when it finally did, you quickly exited, evading an attempt to grab your arm. The fleeting feeling of a hand on your wrist let you know Jake tried to stop you, but you continued walking, escaping his grasp. He was probably going to try to threaten you to leave Sunghoon alone, but he had nothing to worry about, since you planned on never seeing his handsome face again, unless it was on the other side of the television screen, watching him as he skates his heart out, achieving his dreams, a dream you gave up on so many years ago.

This class was your last of the day, so you instead quickly went home, wanting nothing more than the adorable face of your little girl to distract you from what had happened today. Getting to Karina’s house, you soon found yourself seated on her sofa, watching Sohee play with some of the toys she had brought to show Aunt Rina this morning. 

It was as though Karina could tell something was off, maybe it was how you were sitting on edge, or how you were unable to relax into the sofa. “What happened today?” She softly asked, luckily Sohee was too caught up on her toys to pay attention to what the two of you were saying.

“Jake.” You simply replied. “He’s in one of my classes and I’m pretty sure he recognized me.” After saying that, all you could do was pull your legs up to your chest, wanting nothing more than to disappear after seeing a part of your past you had tried so hard to hide from. If he knew, you knew it would only be a matter of time before everyone else knew, Sunghoon knew. You just hoped that if he did find out, he would not approach you, the last thing you needed right now was to deal with those feelings. 

Even all these years later, you still loved him, Sunghoon was your first love, and according to how your heart felt, it planned to make him your last as well. While abroad, no guy ever made you feel the way Sunghoon did, no guy took your breath away like he did, no guy made butterflies flutter within your stomach like he did, no guy held a candle to him. No guy even got to take you out on a date, since those initial feelings were not there, your heart still holding onto its feelings for one specific man, Park Sunghoon. You were sure he would not give you the time of day now, after breaking his heart on a dime, leaving him with only forty-eight hours notice you were leaving, hiding what you have from him; you would not give yourself another chance if you were in his shoes, so why would he. Pushing those feelings aside, all you could think about was how he probably did exactly what you told him to. He found another girl, someone better, she was probably prettier than you, probably better at ice skating than you were, and probably was loved by him just as you once were. 

Tears slipped down your face without your knowledge, it was not until a soft hand was felt on your face, Karina wiping the stray tears away. “You still love him don’t you?” She softly questioned, being able to read you like a book. 

If it was not for your toddler playing away on the floor, you would have burst into tears, but you needed to remain strong for her, for your daughter. She did not need to see her mother like this, crying, especially crying over a man, especially when the man probably did not even love her anymore, especially when she knew the man did not love her any longer. It broke you to admit it, but you knew you would have to get over it some day, and the sooner the better. “I just, I don’t know what I’m feeling, like I shouldn’t, but I kinda do.” Was all that was said, before you decided to change the topic. “I just hope he doesn’t tell him,” you started, taking it back to the topic at hand, Jake, “What if he does? What if they find out about Sohee? I just, maybe I should just take another gap year.” You said, starting to ramble, and wondering why he was in a class for juniors anyways, since he should be a senior. 

“You could always tell him,” Karina started, before immediately deciding this was not the hill she would like to die on, “I’m sure he won’t, I mean, he might tell Sunghoon you are back around, but how would they find out about Sohee, no one knows except me, your mom, and you. I know he was close to your mom, but after you broke up, he stopped talking to her.” Karina moved, hugging you, rubbing your back, as she tried to sooth you. “Don’t take another gap year, just ignore him, what’s the worst thing that could happen, you have to do a class project with him? You do the project and go on with your day. You don’t have to talk to him about anything other than class work, you don’t have to befriend him or anything, and if he tries to start something, tell me and I’ll fight him.”

Karina always knew how to make you laugh, you only imagine her trying to fight the boy that had quite a bit of height on her, and knowing her, she would do it if you asked her to. “Professional. We have class together, it does not mean we need to be friends again or anything.” You mutter under your breath, nodding your head, before looking up at her. Deciding to finally return her hug, wrapping your arms around her, you squeezed her tightly before letting her go. “Thank you so much.” You mumbled against her shoulder.

After that day at Karina’s house, you decided to not let him bother you. The worst he could do is tell Sunghoon, then all you could do is ignore him, but it seems he did not tell him after all. The next day nothing happened, then the day after you had class with him again, but once again, nothing. You thought maybe he was no longer friends with him, but you also knew better than that. It just seems he had not told Sunghoon of your return, and for that you were thankful. 

Classes progressed as normal, until Friday, of course it was the end of the first week of classes, but it was not too early for a massive project, at least according to one of your professors. Most professors wait until you have had classes for a few weeks before throwing any big project on you, but not Mr. Yoon, he decided week one was the perfect week to start a project worth ten percent of your final grade. Luckily it was not due until week four, but still that left three weeks to get it done, or you would end up only being able to get a B in his class at best. 

Your group consisted of three people you only knew through your class, for which you were grateful, no one you knew from high school was in your group, which was wonderful. Jungwon, Sakura, and Sunoo were the people you had been assigned to. Staying for a bit after class, the four of you discussed when to meet up to work on it, and other miscellaneous things about your schooling. Jungwon was only a sophomore, but was allowed to take some advanced classes, something about him getting credits while in high school allowing him to be a bit advanced. Sakura was somewhat of a super junior, having changed her major three times, but she swore this time it would stick, no more changing for her, this was it. Sunoo was a junior like you were, oddly enough it seemed as though he already somewhat knew Jungwon, but you were not entirely sure. 

Leaving to return home to your daughter, your first thought was how oddly well the week went. You did not run into Sunghoon, you saw neither Jay nor Heeseung, two of his other friends, and Jake did not try to speak to you again after the first day, but also you sorta ran outta class everyday so he did not have the chance either. The thought that the semester might be great was the first thing you could think of, since the classes did not seem that bad, nor did your classmates. 

As you watched Sohee practically devour the food on her plate, your phone buzzed, the group chat that you had been added into for your group project. There was already a text from Jungwon asking when everyone wanted to meet, it was quickly decided that the four of you would meet up the next day at a cafe in town to work. Hopefully the coffee and pastries would help you get through the work quicker. As you four texted, you came up with a game plan of what to do. First, pick the topic of your research. Second, decide who was doing what. Third, create your presentation with your research.You laughed, reading as Sunoo replied to the three steps with a fourth. Fourth, turn in your amazing project and slay that grade. 

Looking up, you put your phone away, starting to clean up, before putting Sohee down. She had taken your starting school back a lot better than you expected. It was great that she was so adaptable, she had no problem staying with Karina or your mother as you worked and went to class. Gazing at her sleeping form, you decided you needed to take her out once you were a bit more stable in the school year, let her enjoy a trip to a fair or some sort of playplace, you knew she would enjoy that. 

Starting to prepare for bed yourself, you noticed your mother still was not home. It was odd, she had been so good about not working overtime. Shooting her a quick text message, you asked her ‘are you okay, working over time again, let me know when you get home’, not knowing whether she would see it or not. Finally settling down in bed, you fell asleep quickly, hoping that tomorrow would go as well as you hope it will.

Upon waking up, you saw a reply from your mother, but it did not say something you expected it to. Instead of her saying sorry she had to cover another shift, as she usually did, instead she explained she got recruited for a last minute business trip, she would be back in a week or so she claimed. Sighing, you realized you might have to cancel your group, your mom was usually off on Saturday’s, so you assumed she could watch Sohee. Karina worked on Saturday’s, so you knew you would be unable to get her to help you. 

It took you until you had finished fixing breakfast for Sohee and yourself to decide what you were going to do, instead of canceling, you sent a quick text to the group chat, ‘is it okay if I bring a guest? the sitter canceled and our backup isn’t available” Maybe it was wrong of you to not explicitly say it was your child, but honestly it was not anyone’s business whether this child was yours or not, for all they know it could be your sibling or just a friend’s child. Luckily they all quickly agreed, and after breakfast you spent the rest of the morning getting the two of you ready for working on your project. 

Packing your own bag, making sure you had your laptop and books, led to Sohee wanting her own bag to take. As you placed a small children’s book, your tablet, some headphones, and a small toy into the bag, she grabbed a random stuffed rabbit. Looking at the rabbit, you were confused as to where she had gotten it, staring at the flopping ears of the toy, it hit you. It was something Sunghoon had given you, the grey soft toy sent your mind into a trip down memory lane. It was what made your feelings towards him start to change in the first place. That first day spending time together, the two of you decided to visit the carnival that was in town, trying to become at least friendly. You played a game, trying to win the stuffed toy yourself, however you failed repeatedly. Unbeknownst to you, he had watched you fail over and over again, deciding to try his own luck once you moved onto another game. He won the game with ease, the grey rabbit being the prize he saw you eyeing before, and he quickly chose it as his prize. Giving it to you at the end of the night, claiming he won it and did not want it, he only admitted that he won it for you after you started dating, claiming he saw how much you sucked at the games and wanted to help you. How Sohee had found it, you were unsure, but upon seeing the purple box sitting on the floor of the closet, the blankets it was sitting on top of were gone, you knew your mother had placed it down there, probably giving Sohee the toy without a second thought. 

Watching as she hugged the rabbit tight, the small child nuzzling her face into the long ears of the rabbit, it reminded you of how you slept with it on your bed at night, how Sunghoon had sprayed it with his cologne, claiming he did it so it would smell like him. Hearing the soft murmurs of Sohee as she talked softly to her toy, you did not have the heart to take it from her, instead letting her enjoy the rabbit, thinking maybe one day you would tell her the toy was from her father. 

Glancing at your clock, you realized you needed to get going if you wanted to get to the cafe in time. Sohee was ready, just waiting for her backup, so quickly placing it on her, you grabbed your own, and the two of you started your walk to the cafe. The cafe was luckily just around the corner from your own house, so it took not even ten minutes of walking to get there, and you were hoping that the walking would sort of tire the toddler out so she would not be a distraction while you were working with your project group.

Upon entering the cafe, you were happy to see no one else there, being the first to arrive meant you were not late, and also that you were allowed to select a table away from all the others currently occupying the cafe. Taking the only table that would seat all five of you, you placed Sohee on a seat in the corner, getting her situated before looking at the menu. The only thought on your daughter's mind was the sweets however, her mumblings about the cookies and cupcakes. Letting her decide what she wanted, you quickly picked her up, going over to the counter, ordering yourself a coffee while getting her one of the large cookies she was staring at. 

Sitting back down, you hoped that it would keep her busy, so you could work. You started to get your books out, along with other things that were needed as you waited. Sakura was the first to arrive, quickly noticing you alongside the small child who would have been absolutely devouring her massive cookie had she not been in public. Sohee sat quietly, watching with her large brown eyes as Sakura sat on the other side of her, and started to fawn over her. A soft laugh left your lips, quickly telling Sakura her name, before you say the third member of your group enter, Jungwon. Not even a minute later, Sunoo arrived, in the middle of the other two members of your group talking and commenting on how adorable the small little girl sitting next to you was. 

Once you were all there, you started to get to work, the others pulling out their notebooks and all, while they started to order their own coffee, in preparation to get this work started. “We need to pick our topic first.” Jungwon announced, as he sipped his own drink, pausing for a second before he seemed to remember something. “Mr. Yoon gave me a list of topics, I know I have it here somewhere.” He commented, starting to search through his folder, you were lucky he seemed to take the position of leader of the group, seeming to fit into the role so naturally, there was no need to try to change who was leading the discussion. Jungwon easily took charge of the group, starting to outline everything that was needed for the assignment. 

As you all read the list of topics, you quickly decided upon one, granted after a few complaints from Sakura about how each topic was a psychology topic, like she forgot this was a psychology class. The three of you started to outline who would research what, compiling a list of what each of you would be doing. Getting everything set up on your laptop, you have a document and powerpoint prepared with each of them added, so they can do their own parts as they complete their work. Despite how you were all working fluidly and quickly together, quite a bit of time passed. By the time you realized it was a few hours later, sweet little Sohee had curled herself up in her seat, softly sleeping while clutching her stuffed toy. 

If you were not so caught up in working, you would have noticed the odd looks Sunoo was casting towards the small child ever so often. Sunoo did not attend the high school you did, so you did not know him, but he knew of you. It was his first year of university when he met Sunghoon, Jay, Jake, and Heeseung. Seeing how this happened after you left Korea, you had no idea who he was friends with, who he was closest with. 

Sunoo would not admit it, but something felt odd, the small child that accompanied you reminded him of someone, but who he could not place. He did not know anything about you other than what he had been told, the stories of you breaking Sunghoon’s heart like it was nothing, and then running away. The child felt familiar, like someone he had seen before, but he could not remember how or where he would have seen them. He was not often surrounded by children, just ignoring his thoughts, he passed it off as someone he must have seen on streets one day, but the thought would remain even after he tried to move his thoughts on. Where had he seen this child before, who was it the child reminded him of, and why. 

Working on the project was much easier than you had thought, luckily you were with three people that actually cared about their grades, they all pulling their own weight with the work, and wanting a good grade. As the sun started to set, you all realized you should probably stop here for now, having worked for quite a few hours together. You could continue your research and all at home, and hopefully get everything done before your due date, that way you would have less stress regarding the project. 

The four of you all decided to end it there, starting to pack up and leave. As the four of you started to exit, carrying a tired Sohee on your hip, you had started to walk back towards your house when Sunoo stopped you. “Did you not drive here?” He asked, watching as you were looking back down the sidewalk, the way you walked here. 

Nodding your head, you looked at him, “I only live about ten minutes away that way, we just walked.” Telling him that, you started to realize just how dark it was getting, maybe you should have driven here. You did not plan for the four of you to do so much work today, let alone stay so late. Despite the darkness, you still needed to get home, and while there were only sparse lamps, you were sure you could make it home completely fine.

Sunoo shook his head at your reply, it was far too dark for you to be walking home at this time, let alone with a child to care for. “Let me drive you home, it’s too late for you to walk home, especially with a child.” He said. Despite the fact Jay, Jake, and Heeseung had warned him to stay away from you, especially after what you did to Sunghoon, and how he felt the uncanny feeling that he had seen your child before, he was not going to let you walk alone in the dark by yourself. “I’m going that way anyways, I can just drop you off on the way. I don’t have a car seat, but I think it’s probably safer than walking home with her.” He added.

As much as you hated to admit it, it was true, the sun had set a lot faster than expected too, what was sparse daylight, now only five minutes later was nothing but moonlight. Nodding your head, you agreed with him, despite the fact that you did not know him very well, just from his looks and what you knew of him, you knew that the two of you would be safer riding with him than walking. “Thank you.” You said, agreeing, and walking alongside him to his car, loading Sohee into it, before getting into it yourself. The car ride was silent, you simply pointing out which house was yours, and him stopping there. “Thank you, have a good night.” You told him as you exited his car, taking Sohee with you as you walked towards your house, entering it, and going to your bedroom. After the eventful day the two of you had, it took only moments for both of you to be asleep. Sohee was already asleep before reaching home, but you fell asleep with ease. 

The next week went by with ease, work was not too difficult, you finished your part of your group project, and luckily to your surprise, Jake did not try to talk to you, even when you had to stay after class a bit late. Before you knew it, it was Saturday, and you decided to have a girls day. Inviting Karina to join you and Sohee at the cafe, earlier in the morning this time, that way you would not have to risk walking in the dark again. 

The three of you sat in the cafe, enjoying pastries and coffee. It was no surprise that little Sohee was going absolutely feral on the cake pop she had been given, what was once an orange fox was now nothing more than a pile of chocolate cake and orange color chocolate on a napkin, most the orange chocolate coloring the child’s face. Karina and you finished your own food before deciding it was time to clean the messy toddler, while she had done a good job of removing the chocolate from her face with napkins, there was still a little bit of orange residue left. Karina offered to take her, as you started to clear the table and get ready to leave. The two of you had told the child you would take her to the park, a reward for her wonderful behavior this prior week.

Watching as Karina took Sohee to the restroom to clean up, you started to get your things together, getting ready to leave. Had you been observing your surroundings, you would have seen a figure you wished to avoid. It was not until he sat at your table that you noticed him, Park Jongseong, also known as Jay. Looking up at him, you could not fathom why he would have made his way over to your table, you were not close with him in high school, and you sure were not close with him now. If you had the time to think, you would have quickly excused yourself, leaving him at the table alone. However, instead there you sat frozen, shocked that one of Sunghoon’s friends seemed to have the gall to actually talk to you, especially after how you left.

Jay had seen you long before you saw him, working in the cafe to gain some job experience, he just happened to be on shift when you entered with Karina. He was honestly glad he was in the back when you entered, since had you seen him, you probably would have left. He was surprised to see you, he heard the claims you were back, Jake saying you were in class and Sunoo being in your assigned project group for another class, but he did not believe it until he had seen you with his own eyes. 

What he did not expect to see with you was a small child. A small child that looked like someone had taken a childhood photo of Sunghoon, photoshopped a wig on it, and made the cheeks chubbier. Anyone that knew Sunghoon and his sister would probably mistake the small child for a third sibling, a much younger sibling, but nonetheless, the resemblance was uncanny. As he continued to clean, something hit him, you were gone for three years, you left abruptly, and now here you sit with a child that is probably close to three years old. The thought passed through his mind, and he tried to ignore it, it just could not be true, it could not. You would not have left Sunghoon like that, the two of you were in love, he would have stood alongside you, supported you through it all. 

A moral dilemma ran through his mind as he watched Karina, Sohee, and you. As Karina took Sohee to wash up, he finally decided to confront you on his suspicions. He sat across from you, and luckily he did not waste any time getting right to what he was wanting to say. “She’s Sunghoon’s isn’t she?” 

Looking at the man in front of you, you started to shake your head, wanting to deny it. You were terrified he would tell Sunghoon. The fear of everything you built crashing down loomed in your mind. You had spent years raising her on your own, she was yours, you did it to protect him, you did it for him. He could not have achieved his goals if he had a child and girlfriend at home, he would have had to pick, and you would not allow him to make that choice. He was probably training happily somewhere, his new girl by his side, he had to be happier than he was with you, he just had to be. 

Jay could tell you were shocked, of course you were, you had hidden this from everyone for what three years. He could only assume the only ones that knew the truth were Karina and your mother, two people that would never betray you. As he watched you struggle, one thought came to his mind, “Don’t lie. She looks identical to him, anyone would be able to tell.” was all that came out of his mouth.

At his words, you slowly nodded, feeling like you were back up against a wall, nowhere to go. You could deny it, but like Jay said, she was a carbon copy of him with long hair. It was like you had hit copy, paste, and print, with how much she looked like her father. A sigh left your lips, “She is,” was all you could say. The thoughts going through your head were unstoppable, moving at breakneck speed, thought after thought, panic set in. “Please don’t tell him. Act like you never saw us. He doesn’t need to know.” You started to plead to the man across from you, your words all jumbled together. At this point, the only thought on your mind was Sunghoon finding out and taking you from her, you could not lose her.

Shock was clear on Jay’s face as he heard you start to plead, a fear in your voice confused him, why would you fear Sunghoon finding out. He was the father after all, he deserved to know about his child, even if it was about two years too late for him to be finding out about himself having a child. Oddly, the fear in your voice stopped some of his thoughts, he was thinking of how to tell Sunghoon, how to break it to him why you left, but those thoughts stopped, since you should be the one to tell him. “I won’t,” he finally started, “but you need to tell him. This is obviously why you left to start with, and I think he deserves that closure. And if you don’t tell him, someone else will. You can’t deny how much she looks like him, someone will put the pieces together and tell him, if you don’t first.” 

Nodding your head, you watched as Jay’s face changed. He went from defensive, to softening, the boy you knew in high school appearing once again in front of you. “I know,” you knew you needed to tell him, but how was the question. “I just, I just don’t know how.” You softly muttered. You knew he deserved to know about Sohee, but how could you tell him, how would he react, and so many other thoughts plagued your mind. 

Jay nodded, seeing the panic in your eyes, the fear causing your voice to turn soft. He saw the person he knew in high school once more, the selfless person who would give anything for their friends, the person who always wanted the best for everyone. Grabbing a pen from his pocket, he quickly scribbled his number onto the receipt that sat on your table. Part of him was telling him not to, but the other part of him won, the part that wanted to help you, wanted to help Sunghoon, wanting his friend group to be whole again. “I need to get back to work, but you can always text me if you need to.” He told you, the familiar smile gracing his face, before he returned to work.

It was odd, you expected him to threaten to expose you, or tell you to stay away from Sunghoon, but instead he was willing to help you. Watching as he walked back behind the counter, you decided he was only willing to help you since he wanted you to tell Sunghoon about the child. As Karina sat back down at the table, you knew Jay was right, either you needed to tell him, or someone else would.

Despite how badly you did not want to tell Sunghoon, you knew that you needed to, either he would find out through you, or through someone else. You had kept this hidden from him for almost three years, but that was easy, you were living abroad, no one knew you, no one knew him, there was no one that could tell on you. Here, it was a risk, never knowing when you were going to run into an old classmate or one of his friends. 

Shoving his number into your bag, you finished putting all of your things into your backpack. Picking up Sohee, you watched as Karina grabbed her keys, getting ready to leave. As the three of you reached the door, you gave one quick glance towards Jay, before finally exiting the cafe. Buckling Sohee into her carseat, you decided to put that number to use later tonight, see what everyone has been up to since you left. While that probably is not the reason he gave you his number, you just felt as though you were not ready to approach the topic of how to tell Sunghoon yet. 

Arriving back at your house, you allowed Sohee to play by herself as you started to clean in the kitchen. Only minutes after leaving Sohee to play with Karina, Karina joined you in the kitchen. “What did Jongseong want?” she asked, getting quickly to the point.

You had hoped she did not see that Jay had been at your table, that she did not see him, or that she thought he was maybe just doing his job. With a sigh, you rested on the counter, staring at Karina, not knowing what to say. You could tell her the truth, or you could lie, and at the moment a lie seemed better than the truth. But as you thought of his words, a sob racked your body, looking at the counter, you had to will yourself to not cry at this moment. “He knows.” was all you said, the words being all that needed to be said. 

A gasp was heard from Karina, she was shocked, confused, and just astounded. “What! How?” She knew that no one knew about Sohee, and her first thought was that he had realized Sohee was your daughter, but unbeknownst to her, the truth was much worse. “Just because you had Sohee with you today doesn’t mean she’s your child, you could have said you were babysitting or something.” Karina started, thinking up lie after lie that you could have used to explain the child.

Shaking your head, it took everything to not slam your head against the counter, but you knew that would not help this problem, it would only bring you pain. Which, honestly at this point, you were in enough pain without having to add physical pain to that mix. “Karina, he knows she’s his.” You told her, watching as the look of realization shifted on her face, as what you said finally hit Karina full force. “She looks so much like him, I couldn’t lie my way out of that, what would I say? The only other person that someone could mistake her for would be Sunghoon’s own father, you and I both know good and well there would be no reason in hell why I’d have Sunghoon’s little sibling, and Jay being his best friend he’d know if Sunghoon had another sister.” 

Taking a deep breath, it helped to bring a calming effect over you. Not wanting to possibly alarm your daughter in the next room, you calmed yourself down, so as to not scream or yell. “He said he wouldn’t tell him,” you started, seeing Karina’s look shift from anger to confusion, why would Jay help you, why would he care. “I just don’t know what to do. He put forth a really good case for telling him, but I just, I can’t lose her too.” The anger you held had shifted into sadness, the biggest reason why you did not want him to know, made itself known. As tears started to fall down your cheeks, you started to softly sob. 

Everything you loved and treasured was lost when you saw that little pink plus sign on that test; your love of skating, your Olympic dreams, your future plans, and most of all, him. Sohee was all you had left of him, and if he took her, you would have nothing. While nothing in your life showed any evidence that given the opportunity he would take your daughter from you. But it did not keep your mind from creating outlandish scenarios. What if you told him, just for him to immediately file for custody, and be giving your daughter. What if you told him and he took her, so he could raise her with someone way better that he loves more than he ever loved you. What if you told him, and he just took her purely to hurt you like you hurt him. There were so many what ifs, that made you want to keep her existence all to yourself. But, at the same time, the ideas of what if someone else told him plagued your mind as well. What if someone else tells him and he takes her anyways. Either way, you saw no win in telling him or letting someone else tell him. But, you knew deep in your mind that he had to find out from you, not another.

Seeing you sobbing, Karina moved from where she stood, wrapping her arms around you. You cried into her shoulder, you were unsure of how long you cried, but you stopped as you heard soft footsteps wobbling into the kitchen. Karina separated from you, allowing you to take a moment to compose yourself, as she took Sohee back into the living room. At that moment, you decided you would textJay tonight once Karina leaves, you were not going to discuss what he probably wants to, but instead just to see how everyone you left was doing now.

The cleaning was finished, Karina had left hours ago, Sohee had eaten and bathed, and was now sleeping. It was only then you dug the number out of your bag, sending a quick text to the number, saying who it was. Jay was quick to respond with a confirmation that you had the right number. Staring at the phone, you wondered if you should even do this, maybe it would be best to block the number, delete it from your phone, and act like you never messaged him. But, you knew this would have to come sooner or later, and while you had the courage to do it, you would.

‘How has everyone been since I moved’, was all you messaged him, knowing that what was to come would break you, it would probably hurt you worse than it did all those years ago. ‘Heeseung graduated college and he works at the office downtown’, Jay responded to start with. Heeseung was someone you were not that close with, but you knew him, through Sunghoon of course. ‘What about the rest of you? In your senior years right?’ you replied back to him. He quickly replied notifying you they were ‘juniors actually’, which explained why Jake was in your class, but you were confused, they started college the year you left, they should be seniors, sending him a message back all you asked was ‘why’. For a moment you thought maybe Jay decided not to talk to you after all, since he did not reply, it was almost five minutes later when he replied. ‘I think the reason why would be a better conversation to have in person’, unsure how to respond to him, you just changed the conversation. Jay told you about his job, about Jake’s dog, and about what had happened to the three of them the past years, but not a word was said about Sunghoon. 

Texting with Jay only lasted for a few hours, you learned about what had been going on since you left. He told you of your former classmates who moved, former couples that broke up, classmates who got together, and who stayed around. Working at the cafe gave him an easy way to see all the drama and gossip, so if anything happened around, he knew it. Thanking him, you decided to end the conversation, saying you needed sleep to be ready to handle Sohee in the morning, and that maybe you could meet up, so he could tell you those things he did not want to over a text. At that response, all he replied with was ‘her name is Sohee’, and with that you fell asleep.

The next day happened like you had never met Jay the day prior, there was no barrage of text on your phone from Sunghoon or anyone else. It was obvious he was a man of his word, for at least this moment he was, and you could only hope he stayed that way. There was never a friendship between Jay and yourself, it was always a friend of your boyfriend type of relationship, since that is all he was to you. But, you just hoped he had enough morals to keep his word and not tell Sunghoon. 

As you rose from bed, Sohee was already up, the familiar grey bunny in her hands, playing with it silently, along with her other toys. The child was oddly up a bit too early for your liking, but you knew there was no use in getting her back in bed, instead choosing to just rise, and prepare for the day. Cooking breakfast for the child, part of your mind started to say it would be best to get the talk over with now, text Jay and find out why they were a grade behind. Within the confines of your mind, there was not an idea as to why they would have taken a gap year, and even if the Olympics were in Sunghoon’s cards, why would Jake and Jay have taken a gap year as well. 

Sohee quickly ate her food, wanting nothing more than to go back to playing, while you decided today is not the day. The conversation will be there another day, and today is not that day. This day would be a simple and easy day for yourself and your daughter, you felt it was needed. No stress, no drama, no work, no constantly being on the go. Just a simple day to bake together and watch her favorite movies, Sohee wanting nothing more than to watch Frozen and sing like Elsa, as any child her age would. 

That was exactly what your day was as well. No guests, no stress, and no drama. Just spending time with your daughter, having fun enjoying your time together. As you cleaned the flour off of the counter, the calling card of a child who had a little too much fun with the measuring cup, Sohee ran around your feet. “Do you wanna build a snowman,” She sung-screamed at the top of her lungs, the excitement the child held since you mentioned Elsa was insurmountable. 

“How about you get your princess dress?” You questioned the child, almost tripping over her, as you went to finish the last of the dishes as the treats the two of you baked continued to cool. A squeal was immediately heard, then only the sounds of feet rushing up the stairs. As you finished cleaning the kitchen, Sohee ran back into the kitchen, dressed in her Elsa dress with her long blonde wig, items that Karina insisted she needed after seeing the child’s reaction to the movie. Sohee was quick to attempt to help you, wanting to carry the plate and cups, but her little arms left her unable to reach them from where she stood. “Here, put that on the table in the living room okay,” you offered her the plastic plate, knowing the worst that could happen would be her cookies ending up on the floor. Watching as she wobbled off, you followed suit, drinks in hand, ready to watch both Frozen movies, and probably another Disney movie of the child’s choice, before it would be her bedtime. This was exactly what you did as well, Sohee proudly made it through both Frozen movies, but only halfway through Encanto before she was asleep on the sofa, marking the end to a perfect day. 

The next weeks were doldrum, classes passed as planned, and everything was as it should be. Within the space of your head, you had honestly forgotten about your conversation with Jay days ago. Things were going well, honestly, too well for your liking, but you were not one to question joy or when things passed with ease. But, all that changed during your last class on Friday. The concept of group projects should have dawned on you, but you had a secret hope that if there was one, you would select your own groups. However, of course, you were unable to select your own groups, and instead were assigned pairs. It took all the willpower within your brain to not sigh as the instructor called your name along with Jake’s. It was just your luck, out of everyone in the class, you were paired with the one singular person you would rather avoid.

It was nearing the end of the semester, you had been lucky to avoid having to deal with Jake at any point, but of course your luck had run out. Being paired with him to do the final project. Had it not been for the giant portion of your grade this project was worth, you would have contemplated just taking the zero. But with the project being worth thirty percent of your final grade, you knew that was not an option. You stayed after class, hoping that the project would go smoothly, the last thing you needed was any more problems than you already had. 

Seeing the bitter look on Jake’s face as he turned to face you, the idea of dropping this class four months ago popped back up, you had missed your chance, and if you had only taken it, this would not be happening. Getting up, you decided to make your way to him, seeing how the class was empty by this point, and it did not seem like he was going to make any effort. “Give me your number and I’ll text you so we can plan what to do.” You said, offering him your notebook, on an open page. 

He took it, and wrote his number, his facial expression changing none as he did so. It seemed like he was planning what to say, but you did not give him any chance, taking the notebook and running out the classroom before he could stop you. The project would be completed, you would remain professional, the class would be completed, and then you would never have to be around him again.

Wasting no time, as you made it home, after picking up Sohee from Karina’s, the text was sent. ‘When should we meet up to discuss the project?’, and luckily he replied quickly, ‘next monday after class’. And with that, the date was set, you were lucky it was a day that Karina would have Sohee. You trusted Jay, he knew for three months at this point, and had not told Sunghoon a thing, but Jake, you knew if he knew then Sunghoon would know within minutes. Jake was always much closer to Sunghoon than Jay was, they were each other's yes men, and secrets were never secrets long around one another.

As the weekend came and went, before you knew it, you were in your last class of the day, just waiting to start on the project with Jake. Entering the study room you had reserved and given Jake the directions to, you started to get your things out, prepare to get this over with. However, it seems the universe had other plans. “Surprised you came,” Jake said shortly, almost like he was trying to provoke you, however, all that happened was you ignoring his comment, unable to play the game he was so desiring.

Placing all your things on the table, you opened your laptop. “Let’s just get this work done,” you said, as you started to pull the textbooks and other various resources you had been given throughout the semester out. Despite the uncomfortable air, you just wanted to get your work done with, yet, as Jake scoffed, it seemed as though that might be impossible.

To your surprise, the two of you work together without much argument. Getting everything sorted out, who will do what, and what you are specifically doing. There were snarky comments thrown in throughout, mostly from his side, but you ignored them, trying to be the bigger person. It was working too, until Jake received a call, announcing he needed to leave. As you were packing up, he could not stop himself from trying to anger you once more.

“Sunghoon wants someone that actually cares for him to hangout with. Unlike you, some of us had to pick up the pieces and help him during the hardest time of his life.” Jake said, collecting all of his items from the table, packing them up. “But, you wouldn’t know anything about that, now would you, instead running out and leaving all the pieces. Disappearing when he needed you most. Running away and leaving him at the lowest point he has ever been.” With that, he left the room, leaving you in silence.  

Not a word slipped through the awestruck lips of yours, a breakup is bad, but you were sure it could not have been that bad. The worst time of his life, Jake to be exaggerating, there is no way things were that bad for him. Yet, as you eventually gathered your thoughts, thanks to the group that needed the room after you had knocked at the door, it was time you decided that conversation with Jay needed to happen. Leaving the room, you sent him a text, simply asking him ‘are you available tomorrow I think we need to talk’, with that text you could only assume he knew what you meant by talk, since all he replied was ‘when and where’.

Meeting up with Jay the next morning, the park was empty, given it was a school day so kids were in classes, and most people would not enjoy the park’s ambiance until the afternoon, it left it a great place to talk. Seated, you watched Sohee playing around on the playground equipment, distracting you as you waited for Jay to make his appearance. How long Jay was there, you were unsure of, instead all your thoughts were on your daughter, watching as she attempted to climb up a slide, having the time of her life playing on the playground alone. 

“She really does look just like him, doesn’t she.” Jay commented, finally sitting down next to you. If you could read his mind, you would know he was confused when you texted him, he thought that you had given up on finding out what happened that year you were gone. But, he was secretly happy you wanted to find out. He knew Sunghoon had not been the same since you left, despite all their attempts, he refused to move on, claiming you were his other half and without you he was not whole. It was a love Jay could admire, despite how foolish it seemed during the time he thought you left him for no reason, he must admit, he could even tell you still felt for your once lover. Jake would have banished Jay from the group chat if he knew what he was thinking, but seeing how the two of you were, he had hope that one day you may potentially be reunited. 

The sudden interruption from the welcome silence by Jay’s voice made you jump for a moment, before calming down enough to nod your head. “She really does, doesn't she? Ten months and she comes out looking nothing like me.” The comment slipped past your lips, but you knew it was not what you were here to discuss with him. “What happened that year?” You asked, voice soft, like it was something you should not be asking. Part of you did not want the answer, the way Jake reacted told you it was bad, but how bad was the real question.

A sign left Jay’s mouth, he rested his elbows on his knees as he ran his hands through his hair. “We took a gap year,” he initially said, almost unsure of how to explain what happened during that time, but he decided no matter how he explained it, so he instead just started with the reason why. “Sunghoon, he threw himself into skating when you left. He would enter the ice rink with the key he had and stay way past closing. There would be days he would spend eighteen hours skating and the other six was everything else. I guess trying to keep himself from feeling the pain, but he pushed himself too hard. He somehow managed to fall and hit the wall of the rink, somehow he was going so fast and fell at such a bad angle, he shattered his leg. It was about a month after you left, Jake and Heeseung and I were hanging out, his mom called us in tears from the hospital.” 

With a pause, you found yourself shocked, hearing what had happened, you knew that Jay had only started the story. Shifting your eyes between him and your daughter, you tried to keep up with what was coming out of his mouth, knowing that sadly the root of all of this was you. Despite promising to love him forever and be there for him, claiming to love and support him, you had done the worst thing of all, hurt him. 

“He was out for six months, not long in the scheme of things, but long enough for them to say he had no chance of the Olympics. But then they gave him the worst news of all, the way his leg was, he would probably never competitively skate again. We all took a gap year except for Heeseung. Jake and I were the only reasons Sunghoon kept going some days.” Jay told you, shifting his gaze from the ground to you. “I can’t tell you how many times he had called you, but you had his number blocked. How many times he cried out for you, he even called your mom at some points, but she even claimed you changed your number and she did not have it. At some point, it just all stopped, the crying, the pain, like he was numb. It was like he had given up, telling us to leave him and let him suffer alone. Jake and I, it took months to get him to just wake up in the morning before four in the afternoon. We had to enroll him into university without his knowledge or he probably wouldn’t have ever started.”

Listening to him, you nodded your head, but only one train of thought was on your mind at this point, “What about now? How is he now? Is he doing better?” The only thoughts that could plague your mind were involving him, how was he now, how is he today, is he doing better, did he finally move on, was he still in love with you like you were with him.

A sigh left Jay’s mouth of your question, as he stared at you, it was like he was reading right through you, like anything you had hidden he now knew and knew the answer to. “He couldn’t compete again, but instead of competing, he teaches, he helps them teach the children at the rink. He is doing what I think is the best he can do. He’s trying.” Jay said, glancing at his watch, seeing the time. Standing up, “I need to go, work. But I really think you need to talk with him.” At that, he started to walk away, saying one last thing under his breath, “I also still think he’s in love with you, since despite all these years he refuses to move on.”

Staring at Sohee as Jay walked off, you felt this tinge in your heart. You had caused him such pain, in your desire to not keep him from his dreams, you instead robbed him of his dreams. Sitting alone in the park, the tears started to fall, despite how badly you did not want them to. Not only had you taken his dream from him, but he was still in love with you, or at least Jay felt so, but you think he probably hoped you did not hear his last comment. It took you a few minutes to compost yourself, the tears drying as you heard Sohee make her way over to you. The child climbed onto the bench beside you, laying against your arm, and at the sight of her trying to nap, tired from all her playing, only one thought stayed in your head. At this moment he might still love you, but would he still love you after you reveal to him the reason you left three years ago, and introduce him to his daughter.

Getting back home from the park, you texted Jake to schedule a time to work on the project, you understood his hostility towards you now, but you still needed to do this work. Then, a text was sent to Karina, telling her everything you had learned, even though she herself did not know any of it, probably because they knew she would have told you had she known. Throughout the day, Jay’s words stuck in your head, how badly you hurt him, maybe leaving was a mistake, but at the time, you thought it was for the best. Yet, it seems maybe the best would have to do like Karina suggested all those years ago, be truthful and tell him everything. But, you could not take that back now, all you could do was think of what you might do in the future, and how you might tell him. 

The next day, you decided to work with Jake once again, hoping maybe things could go smoother this time, but you knew that was a lousy thought. Jake would probably try to provoke you once more, and blame you, and honestly, it was your fault, and you could not blame him for how he felt. Setting up the room once more as you waited for him, the idea of how to approach him on this topic was all you could think of. How do you start a conversation of why you left and broke his best friend's heart and caused him to break his leg and ruin his dreams? You can not just come out and say you left since you were pregnant, since Sunghoon would know within minutes of Jake knowing, and what could you say, sorry for leaving Sunghoon a mess but I was also a mess and thought leaving would help make him keep from being a mess. The thoughts however ended as Jake entered the room, the energy the same as it was two days prior.

Jake was not secretive with his dislike towards you, from the moment he entered the room, you could tell he was not happy to be around you, just as he was the day before. But you tried to work together, you attempted to get some of this work done. While attempting to wrap up what you were doing, so the two of you could leave, you decided to finally talk about the topic at hand. “I’m sorry for what happened.” You said, words failing you in that moment, still unsure of what to say.

A scoff was heard from the man in the room, he could not believe what he was hearing, “Sorry for what exactly? Breaking my best friend’s heart. Causing him to break his leg. Causing him to lose the only dream he’s ever had. Not being there when he needed you the most. Blocking his number and leaving him lost and confused as to what to do. Causing him to lose all will to live and enter a state that I only hope no one else ever has to experience a loved one in. You’re sorry for what exactly? You need to be a bit more clear, since there are a hell of a lot of things you’ve done to that man to be sorry for.” Jake started to rant, maybe it was how you just showed up three years later like nothing happened, or maybe it was the fact that you did not try to even take accountability for your actions, but he started to yell as he stood. “You have some fucking nerve showing up here after all this time like nothing has happened. You left him when he needed you most, you failed him, and you just showed back up like it was nothing to you. Did you just expect us to be happy to see you? Welcome you with open arms after spending the last three years trying to patch Sunghoon back together?”

At that, Jake took a breath, standing up, grabbing his backpack preparing to leave. “And you know what the worst fucking thing of all is. Three years we’ve spent helping him, making sure he is okay, and helping him through everything. Even after all those years, I think he still fucking loves you for some damn reason.We picked up the pieces and rebuilt him after you left him broken, and even now he refuses to try to move on, you really fucked him over.” Saying that, he started to walk towards the door, but not before stopping by where you stood on the way. Staring at you with such an angered look, you wanted to cower and hide, but you were instead frozen. “But, you better stay away from him, the last thing he needs in his life at this point is to know you are back around. He is getting better and starting to move on, the last thing he needs in his life right now is you.” With that, he hit your shoulder with his own, before exiting the door.

As the door closed behind him, you felt a wave of emotion, falling into the chair behind you. You started to cry, feeling even worse than you did yesterday when Jay told you what happened. All the feelings hit you at once, like a freight train, all the repressed emotions from the prior 3 years, taking over your heart, and you just felt everything. Time passed, you were unsure of how long you were crying, but a voice outside the door caught your attention. “Listen, someone else is crying about finals, I’m not the only one going through it,” An unknown male voice said, as two sets of footprints were heard passing the door, this resulted in knocking you from your thoughts. This was the time you decided to pack up and leave, going to collect Sohee from Karina, before ending up back home to no doubt cry even more.

After that encounter with Jake, you decided no longer would you work on the project with him in person. Instead, you resorted to emails and text only, this caused him to respond snarkily to you, but you honestly could care less, not wanting a repeat of what happened last time. The way Jake so easily tore you to pieces left you terrified, maybe he was right, you do not deserve to have Sunghoon in your life any longer, and you were foolish for the small part of your brain thinking you could come back and patch things up like nothing happened, since it was something, and that something was something that you had caused. 

After the confrontation with Jake, your life resorted to three things only, work, Sohee, and class. You found yourself not going out except for those three reasons, no longer were you feeling joy from how easily everything was being managed, no longer were you feeling confident of your decision to come back. Jake’s words hurt you more than he would ever know, he knew nothing about why you left, he knew absolutely nothing that was going on in your life, but his words cut you to the bone. Leaving for Sunghoon’s sake seemed to do everything you left to avoid. Rather than allowing him to easily achieve his dream without the thoughts of a child dragging him down, he found himself being unable to reach his goals. What was once both your dreams, was now nothing more than that, a dream neither of you were able to achieve. 

Luckily throughout your classes you were lucky to have formed a few new friends, the partners from your first group project quickly becoming actual friends. No longer did you only have Karina to rely on, but instead you had Jungwon, Sakura, and Sunoo; you even had Jay to an extent, despite the fact you were sure Jake knew nothing of the friendship forming between his worst enemy and two of his best friends. Had Jake known of the friendship between yourself, Jay, and Sunoo; you were sure he would have already tried to fight you, or Sunghoon would have already made himself known at this point. 

As the semester came to a close, you had luckily avoided seeing Sunghoon even once. While your luck was not great with Jake, it was with avoiding Sunghoon that your luck was wonderful, having not seen him even once. With that, you felt he probably did not even know you were in town, since it was not like Jake or Jay would tell him. After your final test, you were happy to know that for the next month and half it would just be Karina, yourself, Sohee, and Sakura. Almost two months of nothing but fun and joy before your university classes would start once more. 

The first Monday after classes ended your living room had four people sitting within it; Karina, Sakura, Sohee, and yourself. On the television Karina was playing a compilation video of the time you spent as a competitive skater, a video she for some reason had decided to put together with the idea of showing lovely little Sohee how talented her mother was once before. Sakura was even captivated watching the little you on the screen, how easily you flew around the rink, the ease at which you were doing axles and other tricks fascinated both Sohee and Sakura. Neither knew you were a professional figure skater, and it was obvious in their reactions that it was a shock. 

As the video continued, it shifted from videos of you skating solo as a child, to your solo programs as a teen; before it finally reached them, the videos of Sunghoon and you skating as a pair. Karina was quick to end the video, forgetting that she had included those scenes when she created the video all those years ago. Luckily Sohee had not caught sight of the man in the video, instead she was walking over to where you stood, enamored by what she had seen. “Mommy skate,” Sohee said, her little chubby finger pointing towards the television. With a nod, you picked her up, as she continued her train of thought. “Mommy take me skating?” The request was simple, and despite how long it has been since you were on the ice, you found yourself unable to deny your child her wish. Quickly the three of you agreed to go skating, allowing Sohee to experience her first time on the ice.

As Karina ran upstairs with Sohee to dress her into something warmer, Sakura joined you in the kitchen. She had seen the face of the man in the video, and she knew it had to be the father of Sohee, they looked too alike to deny it. “I’m guessing that was her father?” She was quick to ask, her arm finding it way around your shoulder, being a comforting presence. With a simple nod, Sakura had pulled you closer, allowing you to rest your head on her shoulder. “If it brings any comfort, I could tell through the video just how in love you two once were. If you can tell the chemistry through the grainy camera screen, I could only imagine how bad you two were when together.” She said, followed by a fake vomiting sound, it made you laugh, a feeling of joy associated with the one who still to this day owns your heart. It had been long since his mention brought you joy, but here Sakura was the one that was able to make you look back fondly on those days, how you would disgust all your friends with your public displays of affection, then tease them that they were just jealous they were single. 

The thoughts however ended as quickly as they started, as the pitter patter of small feet made their way down the stairs. “Ready.” Sohee yelled, once she found herself in the living room, starting to rush Sakura and yourself to your feet, as Karina was still running down the stairs to her. The mention of ice skating set a fire in the small girl, watching her excitement, you saw yourself, how excited you were when your father mentioned ice skating to you when you were the age Sohee is now. Honestly, you wished your parents were both here to witness this, your father would have loved having passed down his love of skating to his granddaughter, and your mother would have been filming Sohee’s first skate. Exiting the door with the girls in tow, you thought about your mother as you buckled Sohee into the carseat in your mother’s car. It had been about four months now since she left for a business trip, a week she claimed, but that business trip ended up in your mother being fully transferred to the location and being given a promotion. Despite how happy you were for her, finally getting the management position she had been aiming for with all her years of service to the company, you were hoping to be able to spend time with her at home, yet who were you to crash down on her dreams. You were just lucky that you now had a vehicle to drive, having collected her car from the airport, and a place to live, hoping that there would not be a repeat of your grandmother’s house in the future.

On the way to the skating rink, Sohee sat in the back chattering away to Sakura, telling her all about everything. By the end of the car ride, Sakura, Karina, and you were experts in what was happening in Sohee’s favorite children’s show and all the drama her little mind had created between Luna and Sunny, her two favorite stuffed animals. Upon arriving at the rink, it was like nothing had changed. Standing in front of the rink, it was like you had been teleported back to four years ago, leaving practice to join Sunghoon in his barely running car that had more problems than Karina had boy problems. Yet, only this time, there was no handsome boyfriend waiting in his rundown beater of a car for you, and there was a three year old grabbing your hand, trying to make you run with her towards the doors.

Entering the rink, it was like a trip to the past, seeing old trophies decorating the trophy boxes, old photos. Time stopped as you saw a photo you thought you had taken when you left. There it lay pinned to the wall behind the gold trophy, a photo of Sunghoon and yourself, after you had won your first pairs competition, a sheet of paper beside it congratulating the two of you, reading that the pairs routine had the highest score ever achieved from a pair trained in this rink. Just under that sheet was another, stating for the next two competitions they received the same score, a score that until this day, no other pair from this rink had been able to beat. 

As Sohee was enamored with the shiny trophies, you had not heard the person approaching, until you felt a familiar hand on your shoulder. Coach Kim had recognized you the moment you entered the rink, as she was viewing the security footage during this slow time of the day. “She looks just like the two of you.” Coach softly said under her breath, watching as the toddler bounced about, excited to start. With a simple nod, you found yourself almost crying as Coach Kim stared at you. “I bet she’s just as talented as the two of you were.” She said, before the three of you started to walk over towards the check in counter. As you reach towards your wallet, Kim is quick to shake her head. “It’s free, I don’t charge my favorite students.” 

With a nod, you helped Kim select an appropriate pair of skates for Sohee, assisting the child put her skates on. “She saw an old video of me skating, and immediately decided she needed to come try it for herself.” Passing Karina and Sakura skates in their size, you pulled out your old skates, honestly surprised to see they still fit. 

Coach Kim nodded her head, laughing as she watched the child try to balance on the skates. “We don’t have anyone scheduled until five, so you have a few hours. It’ll be nice to see you back on the ice.” With a nod, you stood, your hand quickly finding Sohee’s to lead her out to the ice. 

“We’ll try to be out by then, thank you Coach.” With that, you watched as Coach Kim simply smiled before going back into her office, allowing the four of you privacy within the skating rink. Reaching the ice, it was your first love, your second home, it was everything to you at one point, and honestly, still felt that way all these years later. While you were sure your skills had waned, they definitely were no longer what they once were, you could not resist the urge to dance the last solo routine you had learned. 

As you reached the ice, Karina was quick to grab Sohee, dragging her over to the seats for a moment. “Hey, let’s watch your mom skate first, how about that. You can see how pretty she is on the ice.” Once the three of them were seated, you found yourself easily finding peace in what was your last learned routine. The muscle memory coming to you immediately, not a thought was needed nor the music to the piece. You found some of the moves were no longer in your skills list, thanks to not skating for three years, but other than those few moves, you completed the routine, before finding your way in front of the three people viewing you. 

“Come on, join me on the ice.” You told the three of them, as you reached to grasp your daughter’s hands within your own. Karina was helping Sakura as you helped Sohee, soon the two of them were skating around without a second thought, Sohee was a natural, just as her parents were. Seeing the little girl trying to attempt tricks she witnessed from you moments ago, you were quick to grab her, keeping her from falling. “No, we don’t do that yet, just skate. Tricks come later, okay?” With a grumble, Sohee started skating again, the three of them raced, Karina and Sakura allowing the small girl to win, as she proclaimed she was the best skater ever. 

It was not long before an hour had passed, Karina and Sakura announcing they had to go, Karina was needed at work, while Sakura still had one final left to do. Leaving just your daughter and yourself within the rink alone. The two of you skated around, it was easy to lose yourself in it, finding the joy you felt all those years ago on the ice once more. This was your safe haven all those years ago, and part of you had the premonition that this would be your daughter’s safe haven as well one of these days. 

The ease of losing yourself in the ice, you failed to see how much time had passed, not only had the two of you spent most of the day here, but it was now five. You had not heard the door open, nor had you seen the male that gazed at you with shock. He had closed the door, going to the locker room to clear his thoughts, assuming he was seeing things. Once the door closed, he was gone just as quickly as your alarm had gone off. Quickly grabbing Sohee, you explained it was time to leave. As you were in the locker room, you noticed it was getting a bit busy, mostly children coming in to lace up their skates. Assuming it was time for a children’s skating class, you just wanted to leave before Sohee got any ideas of joining the class. Finally making your way through the crowd of children and parents, you were exiting the rink. Had you thought to look to your left, you would have seen the familiar male who has his eyes locked on you through the transparent glass on the side of the rink room. 

That day skating sparked a love within Sohee that reminded you of your own love of skating. She was quick to ask to return each and every day, sometimes asking to go multiple times a day. The child had found joy in what was her parents greatest joy, even if she only knew it was her mother’s greatest joy. Arriving at the rink extremely early every day, you started to teach your daughter how to skate, wanting to make sure you avoided any possible classes or anyone that knew Sunghoon, being at the rink when it opened seemed like the best choice. And honestly, it worked, throughout the winter break, not once did you see him or anyone that knew him. Sohee was not always the most happy, wanting to go skating later in the day, and some days complaining about waking up so early, but those complaints would fade once her feet hit the rink. The ice was a second home to your three year old just as it was you, and you felt joy watching her trying her best to skate as fast as she could, of everything to get from you, she may have not gotten your looks, but she definitely got your natural affinity for the ice.

Once classes started back, trips to the rink were a rarity, Sohee understood that luckily. It however, would not stop the child from asking to go to the rink when Aunt Rina or Aunt Kura were babysitting her, or even begging Uncle Won and Uncle Sunoo the one time you had to ask Jungwon and Sunoo to babysit her since both Karina and Sakura had the flu and with it being the first day of class, you could not just miss it. Luckily neither of them had class that day, and easily volunteered to watch their niece. You, however, were lucky to have such amazing friends that loved your daughter just as you did, sometimes you honestly felt that Sohee loved them more than she did you, especially Sunoo and his inability to say no to her until she would be on her twelfth cookie. 

As classes started, you were lucky to not see Jake within any of them, nor to see Sunghoon. You had a few with Sakura, Jungwon, and Sunoo once again, and one with Jay, but that was it. Classes started with ease, you were not thrown into a major group project in the middle of the first week or placed in a group to work throughout the semester with. With the end of the first week, everyone felt it was due to celebrate, Sohee only wanted one thing, and quickly swayed the votes in her favor. The problem of having an adorable daughter, was that her aunts and uncles would do anything to see her smile, even if that means embarrassing themselves on the ice skating rink since she wants nothing more than to go ice skating this weekend with all her family.

That was how on a Saturday morning, Jungwon, Sunoo, Karina, Sakura, Sohee, and yourself stood on the ice in the skating rink. Sohee was quick to start skating circles around Jungwon and Sunoo, yelling that it is easy to skate, as she watched them struggle. Jungwon and Sunoo had not known about your figure skating past, but Sohee was quick to tell them, blabbering on and on about how her mom was a professional figure skater, leading to curiosity and wonder from the two who had never joined you at the rink before. With a simple routine being completed, you found yourself explaining the history to them. “I started when I was three, but I quit at like nineteen, about three years ago.” With that, they understood, as the three year old girl in front of them, started to drag them from their seats back to the ice. 

The six of you skated for what felt like hours before leaving, had you been more observant you would have noticed a figure watching you from the transparent windows separating the rink from the lobby. The figure had a phone in hand, pictures being taken of the six of you, but specifically of Sunoo, Sohee, and yourself. The pictures were then quickly sent by the unknown male. Followed by three pointed text messages ‘did you know she was back in town?’, ‘Sunoo seems to be friends with her, what a great friend you have right?’, and lastly ‘might just be me, but doesn’t this child look a bit too familiar, wonder who her dad might be?’. 

Sunghoon’s phone beeped as he awoke from his sleep, he did not have children’s skating class until later that afternoon, so he felt no need to wake early. But someone else had other plans, as his phone started to beep and vibrate, one time after another, eight times in a row. Opening his phone, he was bombarded by photos and text from an unknown number, whoever it was seemed to know him, but he did not know them. The first two photos were of you, followed by his text about you being back in town. The next was a group photo, then a photo of Sunoo alone, followed by the text about Sunoo. Lastly, he saw it, a text about a child, then the photo of the child. Staring at the photo, he felt confusion, he felt lost, he did not know how to feel. The child in the photo could be explained simply by saying himself in a wig, but that is not possible. He does not have any children, stared at the text, taking it to assume they meant it was your children, but who could the father be. Not dwelling on that thought any longer, he was quick to respond to the text messages, ‘who are you?’ he asked, but received no reply, and as he tried to send the message once more, he was greeted with a ‘this user is no longer available at this number’ message, meaning whoever it was had blocked him. 

Sunghoon was quick to text the phone number to his group chat, asking everyone if they knew who it was. However, that was fruitless, as neither Jake, Jay, Sunoo, or Heeseung knew who the owner of the number was. Yet, with that out of the way, his emotions started to take over him. He quickly took screenshots of the messages, sending those along with the photos sent to him, to the group chat. ‘Who was going to fucking tell me that she was back in town?’ Sunghoon sent, after sending what had been sent to him. His anger grew as no one answered the message, ‘and you’re friends with her Sunoo?’. Yet, this was not the last message he sent, ‘and why does that child look so much like me?’. 

Jay was the only one to respond to his messages, well his last one at least, ‘I think you need to talk to her for that answer.’ Jake was quick to kick Sunoo out of the group chat, before Sunoo could reply or anything, texting nothing more than ‘that fucking traitor’. As Sunghoon replied to Jay’s message, ‘what do you mean talk to her? You knew about this and didn’t tell me?’ Yet, Jay had no chance to reply this time, as Jake kicked him from the group chat as well, ‘fucking traitors’ being the last message Jake sent, before Sunghoon muted the group chat, staring at his phone as he was lost, just confused as to what to do. Ignoring each and every message that popped up before he shut the screen off, Heeseung and Jake sent message after message concerned, but Sunghoon honestly did not care in the least. 

Everything started to hit him all at once. The love of his life had been back for who knows how long, meaning when he saw you at the rink the other day, it was reality, not just another figment of his imagination. Sunoo had become friends with you, despite knowing your past, everything Sunghoon went through, he still befriended you regardless of that. And lastly, the most important thing of all hit him, there was a child out there that looked way too much like him to be a coincidence, a child that you were apparently the mother of. Unable to stop himself, it was like Sunghoon’s brain was on autopilot, he got himself dressed, and soon was outside of your house, at least he hoped it was still your house. This was a trip he would take every day just years ago, he would take you out for treats and drive you home. Back then he had a barely functioning beater of a car, but despite the vehicle taking the trip changing, he never forgot the streets it took to make it to your house. Sunghoon never forget how your mom would peek out the windows to see him kissing you goodbye, he would never forgot how she actually squealed the first time, having to be physically picked up and carried away by your father, her excitement to seeing her child falling in love, and he will never forget how it felt to be the one that you were in love with.

Getting home, Sohee quickly fell asleep, the skating tiring her out. Once she was asleep, everyone else left, most off to their own homes to do the exact same thing. Watching a three year old was tiring, but chasing an overexcited and energetic three year old around an ice rink was next level tiring, especially for those who were not used to being on skates. As you tidied up around the house, everything was quiet, too quiet. Despite your immediate reaction to usually think something bad will happen when things are going too well, all you could think about was how everything was going well, unbeknownst to you that all of that would be crashing down around you soon enough.

The door was knocked upon, for a moment you thought it was Sohee rolling out of bed, but the knock came again. Going to the door, you should have immediately checked the peephole, but instead you failed to do so, just slinging the door open. You assumed it was one of your friends, probably Sakura realizing she had left her phone or something in your living room, as she often did when she was over. However, Sakura’s smiling face was not the one you saw upon opening the door. 

It was like time froze when you saw him again. It had been three years, but he looked even more handsome than he had all those years ago. He had grown into his features, features you once had the joy and pleasure of ghosting your fingertips over, as you laid soft kisses on the various moles around his face, before gracing his lips with what he desired so much. All these years, you had thought about the time you would see him again. But each and every time, it had you sitting in your recliner, he would be on your television screen, winning gold with a skating partner that was even prettier and better than you. Not, seeing him standing in front of you, especially not seeing him standing in front of you.

As he stared at you, he felt the butterflies again. They never faded, they would just come in and stay whenever he thought about you, but he was sure you no longer felt them after all these years. He stood unsure of what to say, he had not expected to be here again. In his mind the idea of knocking on your door, and then actually seeing you behind the door was only in his dreams. All those years ago when you left, he would knock on your door, just to be welcomed to the sight of your mom telling him you moved. With all the thoughts going on in his mind, he found himself unable to put a coherent thought together. It took a few moments before he finally blurted something out, which was not what he wanted to say, but it was all he could think at the moment. “Is she mine?” it slipped out so effortlessly, like he had been practicing it for days, not just for the five minutes he was sitting in his car preparing the strength to come approach your door. He watched as you did nothing but stare at him open-mouthed, he was unsure whether it was the shock of seeing him after five years, or the shock that he knew something you did not seem to want him to know. 

Hearing his question, you froze, you never expected this, you never wanted this. You thought maybe one day you would ease him into the idea, and there would be no way he would try to take her or anything. But, him showing up at your house, that meant way more than you would like to know. Your first thought being Jay, he had to tell Sunghoon, no one else in his inner circle knew about this other than one Park Jeongseong. Finally realizing you needed to respond to the man in front of you, shaking your head, you started to close the door. “I have no idea what you are talking about. I think you’re confused.” You rushed to say, attempting to slam the door. “I’m busy, I have things to do.”

Sunghoon had expected this: denial, lies, rejection. Just like how you left him all those years ago, nothing more than lies about your grandmother, leaving him in denial that you would give up on him that easily, and feeling nothing more than the rejection from you leaving. His hand quickly came up, stopping the door from closing, foot pushing it open the rest of the way as he moved to stand in the door frame. His body was standing so you could not close the door, since if it was attempted, it would simply hit him, and he would have pushed it back open. “Tell me the fucking truth,” He forcefully said, it taking everything in himself to not scream or yell. He had spent three years thinking you left him to enjoy the single life, moving to where your grandmother lived to have fun with those foreign boys, that would probably do much of anything to get with a foreigner girl. But, seeing these photos, the thought that maybe you left for other reasons plagued his mind. If you genuinely left due to being pregnant, why did you leave him, did you think he would have rejected you and his child. He knew the little girl in the photos he received had to be his, she looked identical to his own baby photos, like someone had photoshopped a wig onto his own baby photos. 

Quickly fishing his phone from his pocket, it was easily unlocked to the text messages the unknown person had sent him earlier. The only thing visible on the screen was the photo of Sohee. Raising the phone so that you were able to see what was being showcased on the screen, Sunghoon recognized the quick look of hurt flashed across your features as you stared at the picture on his phone screen. “Don’t fucking lie to me.” He said, his voice cracking as he said the word lie. Here he stood in front of you, in person, after all these years. After all the times he told himself he would never see you again. After all the times he cried himself to sleep after you abruptly left him brokenhearted. After all these years he willed himself not to cry in front of you, to save it for the purple pillowcase encased pillow laying on his bed, that even after all these years, he swears still smells faintly of your perfume. “She looks just like me, doesn’t she?” Sunghoon murmured, his voice barely above a whisper, eyes staring at the photo on his screen. 

Sunghoon would not lie, back when you were dating he often imagined a future together. He would think of asking your father for your hand in marriage, seeing you walking down the aisle in a poofy large white dress made of more fabric than should be humanly possible, and lastly the idea of having children of your own. In his mind however, all of your little girls would look just like you, while all your sons would look like him. Yet, as he stared at the photo in his hand, he was just dumbfounded. He found himself unable to comprehend why you would leave him to do this on your own, he was no expert on the female mind, but he assumed most women would want a supportive partner, rather than willingly choosing the idea of being a single parent. But, here you had not only hidden a pregnancy, you had moved to another country to hide the pregnancy, had the birth in another country, named and raised the child with no input from himself, and then moved back home without a single thought of notifying him that there was a human out there in the world that he had helped create. His first thought would be that he had been cheated on, since why else would someone do that, but seeing how there was no way to deny the resemblance between himself and the child, he knew that was not the answer. 

“Just tell me the truth,” Sunghoon muttered, tired of your silence at that point. He had been standing in your doorway for a good ten minutes, not a single reply had slipped past your lips during that time. Looking at the woman in front of him, he could not stop his heartstrings from tugging, feeling hurt as you stared at the ground dejectedly. From your reaction alone, he could sense you did not want to tell him why you wanted to hide this from him, even now as he stood in front of you there were no words being spoken, he had no idea, but he was not going to let this topic drop. “She’s mine, isn’t she?” He questioned once more, just wanting confirmation at this point. While he wanted words, he saw how your head nodded, defeated almost, like you did not want to give it up, but you had no choice at this point. "How long did you think you could hide that?" He immediately asked afterwards. “Did you not trust me? Did you not love me enough to want me to be in her life? Was I not good enough for you?” 

Each question slipping past his lips was like a dagger to your heart. Tell him the truth, well the truth is that he was the father of your now three year old daughter. How long did you think you could hide it from him, well your mind thought you would have kept it hidden a whole lot longer than just three years, honestly, if you had it your way, he would have never found out about her. Did you not trust him, you trusted him most of all, who you did not trust was yourself. Did you not love him enough, you loved him too much to try to burden him with this. Was he not good enough, as usual he had it backwards, you were the one that was not good enough for him. Despite all the thoughts filling your head, none of them came out, instead only one thing, a simple apology. “I’m sorry,” You muttered, unable to put any of your other thoughts into words. Despite the plethora of words filling your head, begging you to apologize to him, begging you to beg for him to love you once more, to tell him you never stopped loving him; none of those came out, despite how badly they wanted to. You said those words like they would suddenly help the situation, but you knew they would not, they were nothing more than useless at this point, words you were saying trying not to feel as bad as you did. The apology was not for him, but for yourself, thinking that maybe the words falling past your lips might make you feel better about this situation. But the honest truth, it made you feel worse, giving him an apology without any explanation, it was like giving someone an empty gift box, no thought or substance, just giving them what you thought they wanted. Yet, he wanted the truth, he wanted to know everything no matter how badly it hurt, but you knew the truth would not hurt him, it would only hurt you. All these years the truth you had hidden from him, from Sohee, in a way from yourself, would come to light, but internally you had hoped it would not be for more years. You hoped by the time it was exposed he would have moved on, you would have moved on, both too happy to disrupt what you had for the idea of what ifs and what could have been. 

Listening to you apologize in vain, a chill was sent through Sunghoon’s body, it was like ice was chilling his veins. The cold never bothered him usually, even as he stood outside, the gentle snow falling from the dark clouds above during the frigid January temperatures felt like nothing compared to the frozen feeling coursing through his veins. It was like everything froze, himself including, the words you were not speaking resounding much louder than what you did say. His heartbeat boomed within his eardrums, someone could have been screaming in his ear at that moment, and he would have heard nothing. Leaning against the doorframe, he willed his own legs to not give out under him. The photo, the child, your child, his child, he had a child, he had a child out there that he had no idea about. With that thought, his mind went blank, the doorframe being the only thing that supported him from completely falling to the ground in that moment. You had left him because of this, you broke his heart to hide this from him, you had been back who knows how long without even as much as a word to him. Watching as you moved, seemingly welcoming him into your home, out of the elements, safe from the falling snow all around. He moved inside without a word, almost like he was on autopilot. It was like his brain went back to all those days years ago, back in high school when the two of you were dating, and your evenings were spent cuddling on your sofa watching romance movies, attempting to ignore the giggles coming from your mother’s mouth as she spied on the two of you, muttering to your father about young love. Using all his strength to sit on the couch, trying his best not to collapse, despite how badly his body was wishing to give in. He allowed his phone to slip from his hands, falling to the carpeted floor under your coffee table, as he found himself burying his face within his hands. “I will never understand how you could do this.” He said, not even bothering to attempt to make eye contact with you. Emotionally and physically drained, he struggled to find what to say next. “I just, why would you hide this? Why would you hide her? Hide her from me?” Was all he said, before finally looking up at you, his heart breaking with each word. 

Standing across the room from him, this might be your house, but you found yourself unable to sit. How would you get comfortable knowing what was going on? Years were spent hiding this from him. You did it for his own good, had you not done it you thought he would have given up ice skating, but fate works in funny ways, since he ended up giving up regardless. “I thought I was protecting you,” You finally muttered, playing with your fingers, refusing to look where he sat. Despite how difficult this was on you, the thought of how difficult it was for him crossed your mind, he just found out he had a child of three years old with his ex. Life may be crumbling and falling for yourself, but his life has already crumbled and fallen; yours could be saved by the right actions, his concept of his own life was already burned and the only thing one could do was wait until the fire was dead, rebuild, and move on. “Sunghoon, you had so many dreams, the Olympics, and all, it was your life. I couldn’t be the reason it was taken away.” Finally putting part of your thoughts into words, you started to tell him. Speaking, your feet moved on the carpet unconsciously, before you knew it, you were standing in front of him. You sat down beside him, your body against the arm of the couch, providing as much distance from him as the small sofa would allow. “You were Olympics bound, and I wasn’t. You were always the better of the two of us, the natural talent. I knew if either of us had a chance it was you. And I knew if you knew about her, you wouldn’t go. Sunghoon, I know you, and I know you would have wanted to be there, you would have given up your hopes, given up your dreams for us, and I just couldn’t do that to you.” You told him, it was the most words you had spoken to him in almost three years. As you attempted to explain your thinking to him, you found yourself unable to stop the tears from slipping down your cheeks, they starting to come, as you spoke.

“It wasn’t just my dream. It was our dream. I thought we were in it together, we were a pair, and a pair means two not just one.” Sunghoon started, watching as the tears fell down your cheeks, he wanted to stop them, but instead clenched his fist in his lap, and despite how badly he wanted to caress your cheek and wipe your tears, it was no longer his duty to do that. Feeling the sharp edges of his nails eating into his hand, he eased his grip for a moment, trying to find an inner calm to keep his anger from getting worse. Three years prior, he would have never had thought he would feel such a surge of anger directed towards you. He was so in love with you, nothing more than a lovesick puppy, a toy on a string for you, he would have done anything for you. Now, he was struggling to believe you would do this, the way you so easily chose to exclude him from his own daughter’s life. The thought that he would have never known of the existence of the child had it not been for the text from the unknown number, the desire to unveil the identity of the unknown number faded, as the focus became on the child. “You thought you were protecting me. Why would leaving the country and not telling me about my own child be protecting me? You wouldn’t have been the reason anything was taken from me. Why would you think like that? I just, if given the choice, I would have always picked you, you were always my pick.” He said, still trying to grasp how you thought hiding this from him would protect him, how this had helped him. The choices that were made did nothing more than hurt him, in no way was he helped or soothed by actions you did. “I would have given up training in a heartbeat for you, for our child. The Olympics may have been a dream, but you were my reality, and I would have wanted to be there for you and her more than I wanted my dream.” He started to tell you, trailing off, not sure he wanted you to hear the last part of what he was saying. “You were my dream, getting married and having kids with you was my dream,” he whispered under his breath. Thoughts that you hopefully did not hear passed through his mind, as he remembered all the times he thought of your future, his future was always intertwined with yours, until that fateful day.

Hearing his words, you froze, the tears fell upon your cheeks even harder. Just having him say those words, you were his dream, it hit you in a way you hated. It was not the Olympics, it was not winning gold medals or breaking records, you were his dream. Since you discovered he injured himself shortly after you left, you felt that you had ruined his dreams, taking away his Olympic ambitions, robbing him of those gold medals. But the reality was that you had robbed him of his dreams before that, you had ruined his dreams, you had removed yourself from his life, taking away every last part of his dreams, since it was not the lofty Olympic podium that was his dream, it was being with you forever. Unable to reply to anything he said, you just tried to stop yourself from crying. The tears were already flowing, you just wanted them to stop at this point. Stop, so you could have a conversation with the man in front of you. But it seemed that would not happen any time soon, as they continued to fall down your cheeks.

Unwilling to wait until you responded to what he said, he just continued on talking, letting you know how he felt. “I have a three year old daughter in this world, and you hid her from me without a second thought. You did nothing but keep me from being in her life for three long years. Did you ever once think about her? Did you ever once think about what would be best for her, best for our daughter?” Sunghoon started to rant, any feelings of sorrow he had felt evaporated, instead being left with anger. “Did you ever once think that she might grow up and ask about her father? Did you ever think about what you could tell her? How would you explain why she only has a mom? Did you once think about how you would tell her about me? Would you have told her truth? Would you have told her that her father didn’t know she existed, because her mother decided to run off and run away the moment she found out she was pregnant? Would you have told her that the reason she doesn’t have a dad like all the other kids is because her mom never even told her dad that she was pregnant, that her mom ran away to another country to raise her alone rather than letting her have a father? What would you have told her when she starts to notice she doesn’t look like you? From that photo alone anyone that knows us can tell she’s mine, what would you have told her when people started pointing out that she doesn’t look like her mother?” He was practically barking his questions at you, idea after idea slipping past his lips. 

With each question he said, you felt your heart sinking deeper and deeper into your chest. You really had not thought this through. All those years ago, the only thought on your mind was making sure he could achieve his Olympic goals, but he so easily poked so many holes into the mind boat that was your thoughts on this situation. However, each question he said was right, it was something you had not even thought of. What would you have told her when she asked about her dad, how would you have explained everything to her, why she did not have a father; it was your fault she did not have a father after all. As those thoughts entered your mind, you could only envision your own daughter hating you, since you were the reason she did not have a father, you were the reason she only had a mother, it was your fault all along. You were not the heroic single mom raising her child alone since the father was absent, you were a single mother raising a child alone that never gave the father a chance to be a father. As that thought finally settled into your mind, you felt horrible, you had never given her a chance to have or be loved by her father, the idea that you were saving Sunghoon’s Olympic ambition felt stupid now, you had instead robbed him of the chance to see his child grow up, you had stolen away his chance to be a father. “I’m sorry,” you muttered, the tears getting worse, each word he said made you feel worse and worse. Everything you had done to protect him seemed to be for nothing, instead of protecting his future, you had ruined it, and robbed your daughter of some of her childhood as well. “I’m sorry,” was a murmur slipping past your lips, unable to speak anything else.

Sunghoon’s heartstrings began to pull as he watched your tears fall worse, his words making what were once silent tears turn into full out sobbing. He felt bad for a moment, watching you cry was something that was not on his list of needs or desires, he hurt seeing how you hurt, but he did nothing to soothe you or stop your tears. Full minutes passed of nothing but your sobbing your heart out, it was then he really felt horrible. What you had said, it finally hit him, and what he had said made him feel horrible. You had done what you thought was best, while you may have not been thinking during that time, you did what you thought was best for yourself and your daughter. While that decision was a wrong one and was stupid, at the time you felt it was your only decision, and here he was bringing up all the little things you never thought of. Almost ten minutes passed of crying, nothing but the broken sobs and slight shifts as you tried to wipe your tears and keep it from getting worse. It was only then that he broke, getting up from his spot on the sofa moving over to where you sat. His hand was broad on your back, he gently rubbed it, trying his best to sooth you. “You did what you thought was best at the time. At the time you thought going at it alone was the best thing to do, and you raised her the best you could.” He said, his hand naturally going to your hair, petting it as he once would. It felt so natural to him, and while you would not admit it, it felt natural to yourself as well. You had to stop yourself from leaning into his touch, your body reacting naturally to his touch, like he was made just for you. The thoughts of years gone by plagued your mind, how this was so natural to the both of you, it was like despite the time lost, it was as though your souls were never apart, still reaching for one another, desiring and craving the affection and attention of the other. “All we can do now is try to focus on now. You can’t take back your decision to leave and raise her alone, but you can change what happens between the two of you in the future.” He said, his heart felt lighter as your crying started to subside. Despite that, his mind yelled at him to hate you, to yell at you, to hurt you like you hurt him, but his heart knew you had been hurting just as he had, the hurt was just for a different reason. “If I can, I’d like to see her?” Sunghoon finally dropped onto you, fully removing himself from your body, his hands dropping from your back and hair, he instead picking up his previously discarded phone, deciding now is better than ever. He had no doubts the child in the photo was her, and she looked almost identical to him. 

It was odd, he soothing you, attempting to help you despite what you had done to him, what you had done to your daughter. His words were soothing, calming, relaxing. Your mind was confused, he should be yelling, he should be screaming, he should be threatening to sue, he should be doing so many other things than calmly soothing you and talking softly. As he asked the question you had been waiting for, it felt as though time stood still. Three years she had been your little secret, she knew nothing of her father and her father knew nothing of her, but here stood her father, wanting nothing more than to see her. Nodding slowly, you stood to your feet, moving almost like on autopilot, not a thought was in your mind as you walked through the house to your bedroom door, knowing Sohee slept on the other side. “She’s sleeping, or she was, so we need to be quiet,” you softly warned him, not wanting her to wake up and see him yet, knowing you needed time to acclimate her to the idea of another person, to the idea of her father. Watching as Sunghoon nodded his head, the door was soon open, revealing the sleeping toddler laying in her bed, the soft grey bunny she was so attached to still clutched in her tiny hands. 

A gasp was easily heard getting caught in Sunghoon’s throat, never in his life would he have imagined this feeling. A warmth felt in his chest, despite knowing nothing about her, he felt like he loved her, of course he did, he had helped to create her. Staring at the sleeping figure, it took everything in him to not cry. His heart wanted to weep as he gazed upon the tiny blanket covered figure. Meanwhile his mind was confused, wanting to weep alongside his heart, but at the same time wanting to scream and yell from the fact that he missed all those first. He never got to see her for the first time walking, hear her first words, hear her first giggle, see her as she entered the world for the first time. Despite the automatic feelings of love he felt towards her, he could not help but remind himself he was staring at a child he knew nothing about, for being a father, he did not feel like a father. As he watched her small face scrunch up as she shifted about, clutching her soft pink Hello Kitty blanket closer, he could not help but hope that you would allow him to stay, and that maybe with time those feelings would come, with time he should start feeling like a father, with time he would be her father. His gaze shifted from the sweet little face of the toddler to what she clutched in her hands as she slept, a familiar grey stuffed rabbit toy. It brought back memories from years ago, almost six years ago at this point, and he felt his heart swell with joy, that alone meant more to him than you would ever hear from him. The fact that you kept a stuffed animal he had given you so long ago and the fact that you gave it to your daughter gave him an odd sense of hope. Hope that the future might be bright, that your future together might be bright.

Closing the door gently behind him, the two of you returned to the living room, finding yourself seated on the chair once more, Sunghoon still in a daze from seeing his daughter for the first time in real life. Unable to think of much to say, you simply decided to tell him her name since you were unsure of what else to say to him. “I know you haven’t asked, but her name is Sohee.” You told him, watching as the daydreaming gaze over his eyes faded, being replaced by tearfilled eyes. As the name slipped past your lips, you hoped that he would not remember the day of discussing children’s names so many years ago, however, as he heard the name, his mind went back to that day. Casually talking amongst your friends, and joking about what you would name your future children; some saying random names of random items one might find around the house, however Sunghoon simply commented on a name he liked, Sohee, claiming he felt it was perfect for a little girl. 

Hearing the name, Sunghoon froze, the thought that you remembered that day when naming her hit him hard. The idea that you named her a name he claimed to want to name his future daughter, filled his heart with joy. Despite you leaving, he was still on your mind the whole time. He would have preferred you to be honest with him, to be truthful with him, so he could be there for her and yourself. He wished he could have been there when you had her, he should have been there, he should have held your hand as you struggled through everything, he should have been one of the first people to hold her after you, they were all memories that he would never get now, but he could only hope that you would allow him to make those memories now. “You named her Sohee.” He softly muttered, trying his best not to cry. With the flurry of emotions he had been overwhelmed with today, it took a lot for him to calm down so he did not cry. Within the span of about four hours he had gone through possibly every emotion known to man; denial, joy, sorrow, anger, grief, betrayal, pride, amusement, relief, love, contentment, disgust, and so many more. “I want to meet her properly, I’m her father and she deserves to know that, and I deserve to have a relationship with her.” Sunghoon started, as he kneeled down in front of where you sat, taking your own hands in his, forcing you to look at him as he spoke. “I know she probably knows nothing about me, but you can’t hide her from me anymore. She deserves to know who her father is. Even though I’m still pissed about this whole situation, we need to put our personal feelings aside for what is best for her.” He said, despite knowing he just saw her for the first time, he could feel his heart swell with joy as he gazed upon her cute features, wanting nothing more than to keep her happy and cared for. 

Hearing his words, you thought to yourself that everything you had believed he would do once he knew about her was wrong. With the confines of your mind prison you had convinced yourself that he would take her from you, he would sue you for custody, he would leave you without your child. Despite all these years, he still spoke to you gently with kindness, it reminded you of why you fell in love with him to start with. As he expressed his desire to get to know Sohee, to be her father, to let her know her father, a smile softly covered your features. “She has started talking about her father, she knows nothing as of right now. I didn’t want to explain everything to her this young, all she knows is her dad just isn’t around right now.” You told him, it was the truth, occasionally she brought up why characters in her shows had two parents while she only had one. Luckily at her young age, she could not fully understand why her familial situation was different from what she saw on television, all she knew is that her favorite cartoon characters had two parents, but she only had one. “I think she would like to meet you,” the sentence started but trailed off, unsure of what else to say. It took everything within you not to admit that you would like him to meet her officially as well, to start to form some form of relationship with her, to be the father she deserves. 

All the years of fear and worry were for naught, Sunghoon was not going to steal your daughter away, he was not going to rob you of your joy and child, he just wanted to be in her life. Letting your hands drop from his clutch, you could not stop yourself from thinking about how different things could have been if you made the choices your family and Karina wanted you to make so many years ago. Had you told him you were pregnant all those years ago, where would the three of you have been now? As the thought crossed your mind, you imagined telling him and him reacting with joy, the two of you had honestly thought you were endgame all those years ago, so it would only make sense he would react with such excitement. Sohee would have had the family she deserved, Sunghoon would have achieved his dreams, since as he said his dream was always being with you. The past three years in which you struggled to get by and raise her on your own, Sohee would have never had to go without since she would have had both parents to fall back on. Your parents would have easily stepped up to help, and you would like to imagine Sunghoon’s would have as well. It might be three years late, but the thought that Sohee would get that life, possibly getting two supportive and loving parents felt great, better late than never. Despite the joy you felt in your heart at his words, the darker part of your mind kept rising up, trying to convince you that this is just a ruse, a way to gain access to her and take her away permanently, like you feared he would so many times.

The sheer amount of joy Sunghoon felt towards the child felt odd, but he could finally understand what others say about a parent’s love. He might not know the child, but just knowing it was his, left him wanting to protect her and bring her joy. Had someone told him just a month ago that he would have a child, that he would be going through the process to meet her properly, he would have thought they were crazy. Having a child this young was never in his cards, but honestly falling in love with you all those years ago was never in his cards either, and after you left, the idea of the two of you finding each other again was not in those cards either. “I would love to be able to meet her officially. I know she’s not going to know who I am, but I want her to.” Sunghoon started, all he could think of was being the father his daughter deserved, someone that would be there for her, and he had three years to make up for now. He would not admit it, but deep within his heart, he wanted to be someone you deserved as well. Three years had passed, you had hidden a child from him, you had left him broken hearted, but the heart wants what it wants and even after all these years it still only wanted you.

Nodding as he spoke, you agreed with him. “I think it’ll take her a while to get used to it, after all she’s only had me for all these years, but I’m willing to try.” You explained to him, seeing the reaction on his face, thankful that he did not say what he was obviously thinking, probably something along the lines of saying and whose fault is that, when you mentioned her only having her mother for all those years. It was your fault, you would admit that, but you thought it was what was best at the time. “I think we need to create a schedule. Let you meet her a few times, allow her to get accustomed to who you are, before we really let her know exactly who you are.”

The words you said were met with a nod from Sunghoon, as badly as he wanted to do nothing more than immediately wake the child up and tell her that he was her dad, he knew that was not a good decision. Hearing the apprehension in your voice, he could tell you were torn in regards to this, he could only imagine what was going through your mind in that time, while he was experiencing joy and anger and regret, he could only imagine the fear in your mind. You had hidden her for three years, now he was here wanting to be in her life, it was only reasonable to expect you to have some fear in regards to your child. “Yeah, that’s fine, just message me, my number’s never changed.” He admitted, deciding it was finally time for him to leave, despite how badly he wanted to see his child again. Even after all these years, he never changed his phone number, in the hopes that he would get a message from you one day. “You’ve raised her alone for three years, but you don’t have to be alone anymore.” He told you, smiling as he saw a slight smile upon your face before he excused himself. 

It was already night by the time he left, the two of you spoke and cried for hours, despite wanting to be filled with anger and hatred towards you, all he felt was regret that you thought telling him of the pregnancy would ruin his dreams, and joy that you were willing to let him try to be there for the both of you. As he hit the road, he made his way back home with ease. The drive was one that just came back to him so easily, driving from your house to his, and it was not long before he was at his own house’s door. Entering his house, he finally decided to go into the group chat he had been ignoring for hours. It was a mess when he left, and was a mess when he returned. Heeseung had added Jay and Sunoo back into it, much to Jake’s ire. Sunoo had been forgiven by Jake it seems, especially after he reminded the other that he was not part of your whole high school drama, and knew nothing of this. Jay it seems was almost fighting for his life, explaining how he knew about the child for months, but chose not to share since it was not his spot to do so. Seeing the plethora of messages, Sunghoon simply sent one message before turning his phone off. A message that simply said ‘she’s mine’, causing everyone but Jay to set the group chat ablaze, as they freaked out in regards to the simple two word message. Yet, as Sunghoon turned his phone off the flurry of messages from Jake, Heeseung, and Sunoo would go unanswered until a later time. 

The next day the two of you quickly scheduled a meeting at the park. While it was winter, the middle of January at that, the day was oddly warm, and you decided to let your sweet child take advantage of the unusual warmth for the day. Sohee ran around the playground, going from the swings to the slide, having the time of her life. Being the only person on the playground just after noon on Sunday was fun to her, not having to wait to use anything or share with another, it was just like her own private event. Sunghoon sat in his car for almost ten minutes after arriving at the park, doing nothing but watching, observing the child as she played. For most people when they have a child they get to go through the whole thing, starting with holding a baby that can not even wrap its hand all the way around their parents finger, to starting to babble and crawl, before walking and talking and running, then starting school as they grow even older. He however, was missing the entire first part of that, skipping all the way to the children talking and running and about to start school. For a moment, he contemplated leaving, letting Sohee enjoy her day without having to worry about how she would react to him. But, as his phone buzzed with a text asking if he was on his way, he decided that he better go ahead and do it now. 

Exiting his car, the child paid him no mind. She was in her own little world, the playground taking each and every bit of her attention. He found himself sitting next to you, wordlessly just watching Sohee, as you were. “She’s very energetic, isn’t she?” He said, trying to fill the uncomfortable silence, not really knowing what else he should say. Watching as she went down the slide then immediately ran over to the jungle gym, climbing up it the best she could with her little legs and little arms. Watching as you nodded, not seeing a reason in responding, he still felt odd with the silence between the two of you. Once upon a time the silence would be comforting, the two of you would sit arm in arm in silence just satiated with each other’s presence, but those days are long gone. “Is it bad I’m terrified?” He finally said, getting out what had been on his mind this whole time, “What if she hates me?”

The inner turmoil was evident in Sunghoon’s face, but you felt it was not your position to isolate that problem and bring it up, after all this was your fault, his problems were all caused by you and your decisions. “She won’t hate you, she’s three, she still doesn’t understand the concept of hate,” was what was said, before deciding it was probably not the best thing to tell him, his fears seemed unfounded to you, but to him it was valid. “She won’t hate you, you can just tell her what you are comfortable with. We don’t have to immediately throw everything at her, you can just meet her today, letting her know everything else can wait till later.” Words which you hoped would soothe the situation, calm his nerves, which oddly they did.

Watching Sohee in silence continued for a few more minutes, it was almost ten minutes later when the child noticed her mother was not sitting alone. A scream left her lips before she ran over, the child scaring both yourself and Sunghoon, not expecting her to do that, but she was so shocked at seeing someone else in the park, she was unable to stop herself from doing so. Finally reaching where you sat, she wrapped her arms around your leg, hiding on the side of the bench opposite from Sunghoon. “We don’t scream like that Sohee, that’s not nice.” You told her, the looks she was giving Sunghoon quickly turned into pouty glances up at you, her little hands clutching at your pants leg tightly. “This is…” you trailed off, unsure how to introduce him to the child, but luckily he picked up where you left off, even after all these years he still had the gift to finish your sentences.

“A friend of your moms,” Sunghoon quickly said, watching as you removed Sohee’s hands from your pants, placing her in your lap. The look the child stared up at him shifted, no longer was it a look of fear or terror, it was a look of confusion. From that look alone, he questioned whether he had messed up, seeing how it seemed as though she thought it was odd her mom had another friend. The confusion gave him a glimpse into how you must have been living since you were back, keeping a small circle, so few friends that a new one set off red flags to your daughter. Smiling at the child, he tried to keep her from being scared anymore than she already was. 

Sohee knew everyone in her mom’s life, after all they were basically a buy one get one free deal, since she would never go anywhere without her little Sohee. So, having a stranger claiming he was her friend was odd to your little girl. She knew everyone in your life, and honestly Sunghoon was not part of that, so you could not blame her for being scared of the tall unknown male. If she was older she would have immediately recognized some of her own features that were present on this ‘friends’ face, but being a child, she only knew the tall raven haired stranger was nothing but that, a stranger. “Friend?” Sohee’s soft voice questioned, as you nodded your head, trying to get her to warm up to him a bit more. 

Hearing her voice, Sunghoon felt as though his heart was going to collapse, his heartbeat was elevated and it felt as though it was being squeezed. Despite how much the child was identical to him in looks, he could easily tell her voice and attitude were all yours. Seeing how she questioned the friend part, he nodded his head as well. Moving from where he sat, he kneeled on the ground, allowing himself to look at Sohee from eye level. “Yeah, I’m your mom’s friend. I’m Sunghoon.” He said to the child, offering her a soft smile, before reaching his hand out, letting the small child take his hand. As Sohee clutched his hand, he felt a warmth spreading throughout his chest, it might have been three years too late, but her small hand attempted to shake his, like she had seen adults in her life do. Sunghoon felt a feeling he had not felt within his chest in many years, the last time he felt it was when he confessed his feelings to you all those years ago. The pure feeling of love was all that consumed his heart, and he hated to admit it, but even those feelings from years ago remained somewhat, despite all his attempts to rid himself of them.

“Sunghoon?” Sohee muttered, trying the name out. You knew she had never heard of that name, you were careful to never mention him to her. It was once your worst fear, the idea that she would want to meet her dad and she would choose him over you, or he would steal her away from you. But, as you watched Sohee’s small hand clutching around two of Sunghoon’s fingers, her trying her best to shake his hand, you felt regret filling your heart, he should have been able to have all these months when she was born, not three years later like an afterthought. “Sunghoon.” Sohee said again, much more confidently, but as she said it, part of your heart wished she was saying something else to address the man that once, and honestly still did own your heart. Sohee was quick to fling herself into his arms, hugging him as she did with most of her friends. Watching as Sunghoon was taken aback by the child’s actions, it reminded you of the first time she officially met Sunoo and Jungwon in a setting that was not just working on a project, how she projected herself at them like a rocket, scaring Sunoo half the death and he feared dropping the child, and causing Jungwon to have to breakout his extremely quick reaction time to keep from dropping her. 

Sunghoon was surprised when Sohee launched herself into his arms, hugging him, as she did, he heard her softly muttering the words Sunghoon and friend. Hearing that, he wished it was another word she was saying, but he knew it was best to not completely throw that onto her too early. Wrapping his arms around her, he hugged her tight, feeling his heart swell with joy, the thought that the girl he was hugging in his arms was his daughter hit in full force, the thought that he helped create this beautiful life in his arms was all that filled his mind. Sunghoon released the child as she pulled back, jumping down before grabbing his hand, starting to tug him towards the playground.

“Friend play with me?” Sohee asked, starting to drag Sunghoon towards the playground, leaving you sitting on the bench watching the interaction. Sohee was always quick to make friends, and it warmed your heart as you watched her interacting with her father. Sunghoon stumbled along trying to keep up with the child while also bent over, you could tell he did not want to let his hand lose grip with her hand. Pulling your phone out, you watched as they started to play on the swings, Sohee was quick to tell Sunghoon how to push her on the swing and how high she wanted to go. Snapping some photos, you found yourself sending them to Sunghoon, along with Karina. 

Karina was the first person you told after Sunghoon left your house, she listened to you cry for hours about how he found out somehow. She simply calmed you down, telling you that he would have found out before long, and at least he knew now. As you sent the photos to her, all she replied with was a message saying ‘had you told him to start with, this would have more than likely been your life for the last three years’. The message hurt, you knew that Karina did not mean to harm you, but her words did. She was right, of course she was right, she was the one that advised you to tell him all those years ago, but instead you did not listen to her, instead thinking you knew best; which you sadly did not. Watching as Sohee giggled as Sunghoon pushed her higher, you knew that you made the wrong decision, you hurt both of them, and all you can do now is try to make things better.

This continued for hours, by the time Sunghoon was too tired to go on, the sun was low in the sky. Sohee was still as excited as ever, running circles around Sunghoon as he tried to keep up, watching her climbing up the slide with extreme speed before sliding back down. It was only when Sunghoon decided to sit that, that the two of you realized how late it was, deciding that it would be best to get Sohee home, and that you needed to meet up another day. Watching as Sohee hugged her friend goodbye, you could not help but softly smile at Sunghoon, watching as he hugged his daughter back. A scene that you could only hope would become more common, wanting it to occur more and more, hopefully a scene that would become a commonplace in your life, and his own.

Sohee was quick to fall asleep upon getting home, she barely had the energy to eat her dinner. However, you knew Sunghoon must be faring much worse, with how easily she dragged him around the playground with her. After she was asleep, plans were made with Sunghoon, the next week scheduling where and when to meet, before you yourself fell asleep. 

Waking up the next morning, the sight was one you never expected. The bed where Sohee had been the night before was empty, but as you heard giggling from the living room, you could only assume she had awoken early and immediately went to play. That thought was confirmed, as you entered the living room, Sohee already had her dolls spread out, playing with them, leaving you to make the decision to start on her breakfast. Simply having a day at home, you felt that it would be best to give Sunghoon a day to recover after being with her yesterday, so instead of meeting up today, it was decided you would meet up tomorrow. 

In the middle of fixing Sohee her breakfast you heard a slight giggling, followed by the shuffle of small feet. Thinking nothing of it, it was not until her soft voice spoke that you noticed she had something in her hand. “Mommy kiss Sunghoon?” She said, questioning, holding what seemed like a sheet of paper in her hand. Turning to her, you were confused, at no point did you ever tell her about your relationship with Sunghoon, keeping him as a friend, and that was all he was to her. But, seeing a familiar picture in the child’s hand, you found yourself remembering that day all those years ago.

Taking the photo out of Sohee’s hand, you saw the photo from your first pair program. The two of you had just won gold, you had been officially in a flirtationship for about two months at this time, and upon winning you could not stop yourself, kissing Sunghoon just after you left the ice. It was the night that you two became official, the night that officially started what would become your relationship. Taking the photo and placing it on the table, you said nothing about to her, instead deciding to get her to focus on something else. “Breakfast is almost ready, go wash your hands.” 

Unbeknownst to you, a small hand snatched the photo from the table the moment you turned back to focus on what you were cooking. Sohee went upstairs, putting the photo in her little backpack, before returning to the small purple and silver box she was looking through before going downstairs. She grabbed another photo, once again a photo of Sunghoon and yourself; the two of you cuddled up on the sofa, a picture your mother had taken on one of your many movie dates. Sohee washed her hands before returning downstairs, putting another picture on the table for you to see. 

Putting a plate in front of Sohee, you saw the photo she brought to the table, at that point, you had already forgotten about the other photo. Seeing the photo, you knew she was going through the box in your bedroom, you decided to immediately put it up on a shelf she can not reach, the next time you went into your bedroom. Breakfast went without a hitch, and soon you were in your bedroom, taking the box and placing it back onto the top shelf where it belonged. The box of memories away from your thoughts, and away from Sohee’s prying eyes. The rest of the day flew by without a problem.

After that, meet ups with Sunghoon became regular things, allowing him to get to know more about Sohee, and her becoming more and more comfortable around him. After about a month you found yourself at the park again, it was finally a day warm enough to subject Sunghoon to the pain he went through the first time he officially met her. You knew that little Sohee would probably do the same exact thing, and that you should probably pick up some pain patches for him, as a preemptive apology for what the three year old is about to put him through. 

What you expected, is exactly what happened. Sunghoon had just arrived at the park, and he was already being pulled away to push Sohee and another little girl she had met at the park on the swings. Watching the three of them, your mind started to remind you how that could have been your life; a handsome boyfriend, honestly probably a husband at this point, and a few beautiful children. You were so zoned out watching them, you did not even notice that someone had taken a seat next to you, the mother of the little girl Sohee had quickly declared her best friend the moment she had arrived at the park. It was not until you heard her voice, that you noticed she was even beside you, “You have a beautiful daughter and what an amazing husband,” she said, watching as Sunghoon was being chased by the two girls at this point, he became the victim in whatever game the girls were playing.

“Thank you,” you started, then her words hit you, husband, he was not even your boyfriend at that point, let alone your husband. “He’s not my husband though.” Was how you finished your statement, letting her know the honest truth, but she only reacted with a gasp. At that you expected a lecture about having a child out of wedlock, or about having a child young and out of wedlock. But, instead she was just shocked, especially given the way he looked at you.

The mother gasped in shock, she had been observing how Sunghoon stared at his daughter and at you, like the two of you put the stars in his night sky, like he was nothing more than the dark void, and the two of you were the stars and moon that brought light to his life. “Well, the way I’ve noticed your boyfriend looking at you, I’m sure that ring will be coming soon.” The mom said, before standing, going to get her kid to go home. “I’ve never seen a man stare at someone in such a way, like he’d give everything to see you two smile.” She said, before calling her daughter over, announcing it was time to leave.

You had no chance to correct her, she was already gone by the time you thought of what she said. It was only then that you noticed what she said was true. The way he started at both yourself and Sohee, it was not with anger like you would expect, it was with love. But you knew that after all these years, you announcing you were still in love with would probably be the last thing he wanted. It was during this time that you noticed Sohee coming over to where you sat, quickly taking her little backpack from where it was placed besides you, before running back over to Sunghoon. Luckily the two of them were only about ten feet away from you, allowing you to enjoy the spectacle and show Sohee was giving. A laugh slipped past your lips as she started to show Sunghoon her collection of items, bottle caps she decided are pretty, a big rock she found on the way to the park this morning, and other items. 

You could only imagine how Sunghoon felt as she pulled out a familiar item, the sweet little grey bunny with its long ears. As Sunghoon looked around Sohee to where you sat, you knew he remembered it as well. It was once something you slept with each and every night, it reminded you of Sunghoon, and would always be with you, even when he could not be. Now, it remained in Sohee’s grasp, she slept with it each and every night, she had a part of him with her all the time, even if neither of them knew it. 

The little show and tell she was giving Sunghoon was adorable, until she got to the end of her bag and pulled something out that you had long forgotten. The photo from all those weeks ago. The photo from your first program, honestly that moment is probably what led to Sohee in the first place, if you wanted to be completely serious. Sohee was quick to load her backpack back up, before leaving it with Sunghoon as she ran off to play on the slide some more. You did not want to, staring at Sohee instead of him, but you noticed his labored steps, he walked slowly towards you, staring at the picture in his hand.

Once he finally sat down beside you, only then did he break the uncomfortable silence, “I still remember that night.” Was all he said, before putting the backpack beside you, leaning down resting his elbows on his knees as he turned to look at you. “I still think about that night all the time,” you nodded as you listened to him, seeing his face light up as you yourself admitted to thinking about it as well.

“We’re not the same people we were when we fell in love,” you started, staring down at the picture in his hand. “We were so carefree, we were in high school, nothing to worry about except tests and skating.” You said to him, your eyes shifting back to Sohee, this conversation was not one you expected to have today, but here you were having.

Sunghoon nodded his head, turning to fully put all of his attention on you. “We definitely aren’t the same people.” He said, turning his attention to Sohee. Back then you two were the it couple, the perfect pair. But now, the two of you were willing co-parents if anything. 

“But I am still in love with you,” was all that came out to start with, you unsure of what else to say. Fear that he would reject you filled your veins, the idea that he would laugh in your face, or make fun of you for these feelings after all these years filled your mind. Yet, you found yourself unable to stop, needing to get these feelings out, knowing if you did not do it now, you would go it never. “Are you still in love with me?”

Sunghoon thought he was hallucinating to start with, the words you said, he had to be imagining them. Three years had been spent hoping to hear that again, to hear your sweet voice tell him that he loved you, but now that it was, he found himself afraid to get hurt again. “I don’t,” was all he said to start, he immediately regretted his word choice as he saw your eyes quickly fill with tears. 

You stood up, wanting to get away as quickly as possibly, he had rejected you, and all those thoughts in your mind reminded you of how stupid you were. You thought that you would come back, introduce him to his daughter, confess your love for him after all these years, and he would say it back and you would live happily ever after. But this is real life, not some stupid fairy tale you tell Sohee to get her to sleep, and the princess and prince do not always end up together in real life. 

Sunghoon was shocked at your sudden move, he quickly stood up, walking after you, grabbing your hand to stop you in your tracks. “I don’t think I ever stopped loving you.” He said, finishing his whole thought this time. “I always wanted you to be my end game, even after you left I never was able to move on, no one felt like you, they all just felt like placeholders as I waited for you to return with the other half of my heart.” He told you, pulling you closer to his body, taking both of your hands, and holding them in between the two of you. “But, I don’t know if I can trust you like I once did.”

Hearing his words, you felt your heart ache. He never stopped loving you, but you hurt him in a way he felt like he could not trust you to not do it again. “Give me a chance.” Being all that left your lips, as you stepped closer to him. This was your chance, your heart and your head were aligned for once, wanting nothing more than to rekindle the love and joy you once felt from this man. Despite the fear you once felt, now the only thing that lingered was the desire to be back within his arms, to be loved by him once more, to be his once again. Those three past years had been long years without him, and now that he was back in your life, you would not let him get away again. No longer would you make decisions based on what you think is best for those around you, instead you would listen to your heart, picking what is best for you.

“A chance for what?” Sunghoon asked, as he watched you. He really wanted everything to be like it once was, but those feelings in his head would not let his heart be happy, reminding him of how easily you left him the first time, and how easily you probably would again. He never even moved on when you left him the first time, he was broken, literally and physically. He never was able to go out with another person, none of them compared to you, they all seemed lackluster in comparison to you. He was broken when you left the first time, but if you played him again, left him again, he was unsure of what would happen then; but, he knew it would be worse, much worse than the first time around. 

Staring into his eyes, you found yourself saying words you never imagined you would say. You never thought he would even take a chance to hear you out, let alone allow you to pour your heart out to him. “A chance to prove to you that I can make you happy. A chance to prove to you that I still love you. A chance to prove to you that I’m not gonna run this time. A chance to prove to you that you’re everything I’ve ever wanted.” You said to him, wanting to say so much more to him, wanting to open up your heart and pour your feelings out to him. Let your heart flow unabridged, words flowing without a filter, but you kept it in, knowing you did not want to scare him off. You left him once already, knowing Sunghoon how you did, he was probably more worried about it happening again. Yet, you knew deep within your heart, if he allowed you to own part of his heart once more, to hold his hand once more, to be on his side, you would never leave. 

At your words, Sunghoon was torn. His mind and his heart tearing him into two different directions. His heart was quick to remind him of how much he once loved you, how much he still loved you. It reminded him of those days as young teenagers, how in love you were in that time, how your hand would fit into his like puzzle pieces that belonged together, how you would always sit in his lap and fall asleep on his shoulder, how in those times he felt like he wanted that forever and everything. But his brain was more of a realist, quick to say she broke your heart once and she will do it again, reminding him of how he shattered his leg when you left the first time. It reminded him of how when he needed you most, you were nowhere to be found, his phone number blocked and you left the country in order to avoid him. Despite the convincing arguments from his brain, he decided to do something he never thought he would. Staring into your eyes, he found himself remembering those days all those years ago, staring into your eyes until you would blush and look away, remembering the slight flush that would come upon your features as he stared. For once, he chose his heart, deciding that he might as well give it another chance, things would be different this time, afterall it was not just yourself and him in his situation, but little Sohee as well. You allowed him to form a relationship with your daughter, and now he felt that you wanted to reform your relationship with him. Sunghoon found himself nodding, “One chance,” He simply said, smiling down at you. Finding himself thinking things that he had not thought about for years, but this time all the dates you would go on had another meaning, since it would not just be yourself and him, but instead your daughter as well. And he was destined to not let you go again, nor would he let you take his daughter with you again.

Sunghoon may have offered you one chance, but the genuine truth is that he would give you a million chances. You could leave him broken once more, and he would still be willing to give you another chance. You could do anything, and he would always be willing to give you another chance. He was down bad for you since the moment he first kissed you all those years ago, and even now nothing has changed, he would do anything for you, and would let you do anything to him. He hoped one chance would be enough, seeing the look in your eyes, he felt that you felt the same as he did, wanting nothing more than to be with him forever. Since, honestly, he wanted nothing more than to be with you for his forever, you were his forever, even if you just took a little break in between.

Hearing his words, it was as though every cell in your body came to a stop. It took you a minute to realize what he had said, he did not laugh in your face and tell you no, he did not turn around and leave you right where you stood, he instead said one chance. The memories of how you left him all those years ago made you believe he would have not given you even the time to speak, you know if the positions were switched, you probably would not have given him any extra chances. Yet, you had one chance, and all you could think was that is all you need. You would never leave him again, you would never want to break your own heart again, like you did before. Your place is with him, and that was something you had realized, and would make sure it was a place you would stay. “That’s all I need,” muttered under your breath, a smile coming to your face, your gaze shifting from the photo in his hand to look up at him. You would never admit it, but you wanted those days back, the days in the photo. The days when Sunghoon and yourself were inseparable, the days when you spent more time in his arms than out of them, the days where the only worries you had were skating and tests and trying not to get caught making out in the hallway by the teachers. Those days were so simple, so easy, and you missed when your love was carefree and a breeze like that. 

Getting ready to say something else, you however were interrupted as something ran between the two of you, quickly grabbing Sunghoon’s hand and dragging him off. A laugh fell from your lips as you watched him try to keep up with Sohee, she decided it was time for him to play with her again. Making your way back to the bench, the thoughts of being a proper family filled your mind, the idea of Sohee not only having a mother at home, but also a father, her father. It would not be the picture perfect life you once planned, but it would be perfect for what is your life. Breaking his heart once was not in the original plan, and breaking it a second time definitely was not in the new and improved plan. 

Watching the two of them play, the only thought plaguing your mind was whether this would be good for Sohee. As she dragged Sunghoon around the playground, you finally thought for a second that maybe this was not the best for everyone, as much as you wanted it to be, what if Sohee reacted badly to this. Sohee only knew Sunghoon as your friend, what if she reacted negatively to the fact he is actually her father, what if she reacted negatively towards him and you attempted to date again. What if the best thing for her was to just continue being a single mother, focus on her, with no other interruptions. 

Those thoughts did not have time to dwell however, as you found yourself being dragged from the bench. Sohee brings you over to the swings, where she had left Sunghoon. She was quick to push you towards one of the many swings, before taking a seat herself. “Sunghoon push swings.” Sohee called out, starting to giggle as he pushed her on the swing she was seated on. Watching her, it was these moments that you treasured, the sweet little moments with her, these moments would hopefully turn into sweet little moments with her and Sunghoon. You did not have much time to think about that however, as Sohee’s voice broke your eardrums once more. “Mommy swing too. Sunghoon push mommy too.” 

Unable to resist your sweet child’s call for you to join her, you sat on the swing finally, smiling softly as she started to laugh even more. It did not take long for Sunghoon’s hands to push against your back, pushing you on the swing as he did Sohee. He alternated between pushing Sohee and yourself, and he just did every little thing that Sohee told him to do. It was in that moment you realized, he was not going to leave easily, as he listened and accommodated each and every one of her little demands. She was quick to yell higher, only to yell too high, lower, not that low, faster, not that fast, slower, but not that slow. She was indecisive, and it was honestly adorable as he tried to swing her perfectly like she wanted, the task seeming impossible. 

As he pushed you again, once Sohee had decided he was doing it perfectly, you found yourself remembering all those years ago. When you were in high school and would find your way to the playground after practice, the two of you swinging on the swings while holding hands, knowing that you only had an hour before curfew. The two of you would enjoy your time together each time, talking while trying to swing at the same speed, sharing thoughts about school, your programs, and what you should do on your next free day. He would push you on the swings, teasing you with how high he could push you before you started to cry for him to not push you so high, the smile that would come to his face before he would kiss you as an apology filled your mind. Sohee quickly grew bored and ran off, so Sunghoon continued to push you, after a few pushes, you felt his hands on your waist. With that feeling, you found yourself turning back to view him, his eyes were glazed over as he stared at you, that alone let you know he was thinking of the same thing. As you made eye contact, you were both quick to look away, he moved back allowing the swing the stop, the two of you were quick to refocus your attention on Sohee. By then, the rambunctious toddler was ready to go, as the three of you left the park, you found yourself deciding that you would never make the same mistakes again; you would focus on your happiness, and he being in your life was the most important part of it.

It was odd seeing Karina and Sakura within your house after so many weeks, life had caught the three of you. Your usual weekly hangout sessions had been cut, Karina’s boss often wanting her to cover shifts at work, while Sakura was busy with a project in another class. Yet, today the three of you found yourself sitting on the sofa of your living room. Sohee was playing happily with her toys, not paying any mind to the three of you and your conversation, or so you thought. “How are things going? I know this must have been a massive change for you.” Karina absent mindedly asked, she knows how you honestly probably would have never told him, had someone not texted him that photo of you all. 

Sitting in silence for a moment, you weighed the options of what your words would mean to the two of them. They knew everything, and how you described things would either excite them, especially Karina and her idea that her favorite couple is getting back together, or it would put them both into a sad mood for the rest of the night. While you knew Sunghoon was only giving you a chance, you were so happy for that, honestly, within the deepest recesses of your mind, you could only hope that Karina’s idea would be the one coming true. “He gets along with her so well,” was how you started, sparing a glance at the preoccupied child before continuing, “She really does like him, granted, they mostly only hang out for a few hours, she really loves having him around. I honestly think he is ready and willing to fully take his position as her father, yet, I don’t want to rush anything or throw too much at him too quickly.” It was difficult to admit, your previously preconceived idea of what you needed to raise Sohee only had two variables, herself and you, but honestly, maybe you needed all three of you all along, you were just too stupid to realize it all those years ago. 

Shock graced both Sakura and Karina’s faces, they were amazed at your words, shocked at what you just shared with them. “He wants to just forget everything and be her dad?” Sakura asked, confusion falling across her features, as soon as the shock left. It seemed like a dumb idea as well, you hid her away from him for three years, but now that he knows of her, he wants to go back to how it should have been, he wants to be there for her like he should have been all along.

With a simple nod, it was an idea you found hard to believe as well. Most men your age would have run the opposite direction, happy to live childfree for however many years more, until they felt ready for the concept of fatherhood. Yet, here Sunghoon was ready to step into it after only a month of knowing the child, well a month of knowing he had a child, a month of knowing his child. “I just don’t want to mess anything up. He agreed to give me another chance, and I just don’t want to make any mistakes. Like I fully didn’t realize how much I missed him until I saw him face to face again, and he gave me a second chance, and I just don’t want to mess anything up for their relationship. Like what if I go too quick and he gets scared? What if we get together, Sohee gets used to calling him dad, just for him to decide this isn’t for him? I just, I don’t know what to do.” 

As you started explaining your thoughts, Karina was quick to pull you into her side, Sakura started to rub your arm at the same time. “I genuinely think he’s not going to do that,” Karina stated to tell you, “He was absolutely enamored with you when you were in high school. I remember the first time I saw you two together in high school, I honestly thought to myself he would probably propose to you the moment you started college, even then I could see the love in his eyes. You two were always my ideal couple, and even now, I think everything will be fine. If he looks at Sohee with half the adoration he used to look at you with, I just know she’s going to have a wonderful dad.” 

“Just don’t be scared, you did what you thought was best, he needs to understand that. If he feels the same way you do, then there is nothing to worry about, things will happen that are supposed to, and everything will fall into place as it should be.” Sakura picked up as Karina paused, giving you a little speech of her own. “While I did not know you in high school, from how everyone has described it, he loved you then, he probably loves you now, and he’ll probably still love you in the future. I don’t think he’d leave you and Sohee for anything, and I think if everything Karina says is true, then you’ll be a lovely family.”

With a simple nod, you found yourself resting in their arms, the three of you all intertwined as the conversation changed to them. As the conversation droned on, a little pair of ears had been listening all along, it was not eavesdropping when it was yourself they were talking about. Sohee had caught parts of the conversation, not many, but enough to know some new things, the words she caught being Sunghoon and dad. Sohee may only have been three, but she knew she was not like the other children she often played with at the park. They would oftentimes have two parents watching them, while she only had one. They should ask her where her father is, to which she would reply she only had a mother. But hearing this talk, the three year old’s little mind was made up, and she knew what she needed to do. Had the three of you known about a pair of little eavesdropping ears, you would have spoken with more tact, choose your words better to leave no room for miscommunications. Yet, Sohee was usually so enamored with her little toys, you paid her presence no mind, as the three of you conversed.

Before you knew it, it was a Friday night, luckily you had managed to talk Sunghoon into going out with you, the whole give me a chance thing. It was odd, once upon a time dates with him came with ease. You would pick your outfit without a second thought, you would be ready and waiting by the time he would arrive at your house, and you would spend time with him without a second of worry crossing your mind. Yet, here you were staring at your closet, unsure what to wear, it was like you were going on a first date again for the first time in forever. It was tempting to call Karina upstairs from where she was in the living room, watching Sohee for you this evening, but you knew it she came, Sohee would follow, and so would her little questions. Instead of having to explain to your daughter where you were going tonight, you instead decided to make the decision yourself, hoping that maybe you would make Sunghoon’s heart skip a beat and the butterflies within his stomach erupt like you once did before. 

Staring at yourself in the mirror, you had little time to contemplate your choice of clothing, since as you touched your hair up, a message shone on your phone. He was outside, waiting for you, reading his quick ‘I’m here’ text sent you back to all those nights years ago. You would hear his car down the road before you would hear him knocking upon your house door, rushing downstairs trying to keep him from having to talk to your parents for too long, really it was trying to keep your parents from saying anything embarrassing before you made it downstairs. Running out the door with him, hand in hand, as he would help you into his car, before making his way to the driver's door. He would always make sure to reach over, buckling you in, unless you had already done it. All those years ago you were always his passenger princess, he allowed you to do nothing but sit beside him and enjoy yourself as he drove wherever you desired, the only thing you had to focus on was playing the right music that the two of you could sing along to while he drove. Yet, this was not all those carefree years ago, it was now, and now you had a lot of worries, you had a lot of things to care about, and most of all you had the worry of messing up once again, fumbling what you once thought was your future, possibly forever.

Rushing downstairs, it was like all those nights years ago, yet this time you were rushing to keep Sohee from realizing someone was here, rather than to keep your parents from embarrassing you. “He’s here,” you shortly told Karina, before leaning down and giving Sohee a kiss on the forehead. “Mommy will be back later, you’ll be good for Aunty Karina right?” you asked the child, watching her nod, not even paying attention to you, yet, you knew you had nothing to worry about. Finally exiting the house, there he stood, Sunghoon in all his glory. During his high school days he would have been wearing some worn jeans and that old hoodie of his, but now here he stood wearing black slacks and a nice button down shirt, a clear sign that things had changed, time had moved on, and things were not all the same. Yet, you knew you were not dressed as you once would have either, instead of his oversized sweater and a pair of leggings, there you stood wearing a dress, since time had not only passed for him, but also yourself. 

Walking up to him, he was quick to open the door for you, allowing you to enter the vehicle, before he made his way to the driver’s side. No longer did he own that run down car that barely ran and was always threatening to give out on him, instead he was behind the wheel of a newer-ish vehicle, it made no rattling noises as it came to a start. Fastening your seatbelt, you barely heard a noise thinking nothing of it, assuming it was maybe just the vehicle, yet it was not. Sunghoon had muttered to himself, “You look beautiful,” but as you did not respond, he did not press the issue. Unlike all those nights you spent together years ago, this time, there was an awkward air about. The air reeked of unease, the uncertainty feeling flowed between the two of you, unsure of what was to happen this night, what was to happen between the two of you, should you even be trying to get back together, and just so many other what if’s. 

As Sunghoon started to drive, you noticed his hand finding its usual spot on the center console, it was like muscle memory, your hand found its way into his. The two of you sat like that for a good two or three minutes, before what you were doing hit you. Both of you were quick to wrench your hand from the other’s grasp, “I’m sorry,” You were quick to say, shifting to stare out the window, as you moved your hands into your lap, nails starting to stab into the palms of your hands, as you tried to resist the urge to reach out and grab his hand once more.

“We probably shouldn’t,” Sunghoon said as you spoke as well, your words all becoming flustered and jumbled. Despite how badly he wants to, he also knows within his heart, it is best to wait, to not get ahead of himself, to not try to revert back to how things were too quickly. Despite how badly he wants nothing more than to hold your hand, pull you into a bone crushing hug, and smother your beautiful face with his kisses as he once would have, he knew better, and he knew that he should not let himself get too excited. As badly as he wanted to take himself back to all those days years ago, he knew better than to indulge in those thoughts.

The silence was comfortable as you held hands, but now as the two of you tried to keep your minds from going back to those high school days, the silence was no longer comfortable. The silence was almost smothering, it was thick and harsh around the two of you. Neither of you spoke, maybe it was fear of saying something you would regret or maybe it was fear of saying something you would not regret but should not be saying so quickly. Vision blurred as he drove along, the buildings were just blurs of random colors as the city passed by through your window. It was not until you saw him turning into a familiar road that it hit you, where he was taking you, the diner. 

The diner was a place of memories, it was where you had your first official meeting all those years ago, where you had your first date, and sadly also where the two of you had your last date before you left Sunghoon all those years ago. Moving back here, you completely forgot about this place, it held too many memories for you to want to be within its walls once more. He would never admit it, however Sunghoon felt the same way you did, it was three years since the last time he was at the diner as well, unable to return within its walls once again like you were. The place held too many happy memories for both of you, memories than neither of you wanted to bring up once you were apart. Yet, here you were, on another first date, and honestly it was fitting, where it started it also ended, and all you could hope was that once it started again, it would not have an ending this time. 

As his car came to a stop, the look of familiarity crossed your features, as he gazed at you. Sunghoon had driven to the diner without thinking much, it was such an integral part of your history, it was as though his brain slipped into autopilot mode as he was on his way here. Initially, he thought of going elsewhere, but seeing the fond look upon your face, he was glad he did not. 

Sunghoon exited the vehicle, being quick to come to your side of the car, opening the car door for you. Leaving the car, it felt like being teleported back into being high schoolers, the two of you walking arm in arm into the diner, the familiar decor was like home, even the waitress was the same as the one from all those years ago. It was nice seeing a smile graced her face as she quickly came over to your table, if it was not for the stray grey hairs in her hair, you would have assumed time stood still within the diner, as it appeared just as you last remembered it. The waitress quickly took your orders, and probably would have started to talk your ears off, had her boss not caught her attention and made her walk away to do her work. The silence was awkward for a moment, neither of you wanting to break the silence, or maybe neither of you knew how to break the silence. The feeling of sitting across from him reminded you of all those years ago, when you two had just been paired together, forced to work together against your will. 

“It’s been so long since I’ve been here,” Sunghoon’s voice muttered, he being the first to break the uncomfortable silence the two of you had been sitting in. “Yet, it seems like nothing has changed,” He added, having the same exact thoughts you had when you entered.

After a moment of silence, you finally responded, “It’s like it was all those years ago, almost makes me feel like we are back in high school again.” The words fell out before you could stop them, your habit of speaking without thinking coming out at that moment. While it might have been like you were in high school again, you were anything but, no longer was it easy nights spent hanging out with Sunghoon or Karina, studying together and preparing for tests as a group. No longer was the work easy and the skating practice sessions hard. No longer did your life revolve around school, skating, and Sunghoon. Yet, you would not mind if it did once more, yet only adding another s into the mix, Sohee. 

Sunghoon felt the words as you said them, he almost felt the same, it was like stepping back in time, yet you were not teleported back to those carefree days. “Yet, we aren’t. Things were so easy back then, so simple, yet now everything just isn’t.” With that, he trailed off unsure of what to say honestly, since so many things had changed. Time was spent doing college work instead of high school homework. Time was spent at jobs instead of skating practice. Time was spent raising Sohee instead of hanging with your friends. Your life at this time was college, Sohee, and work. 

“It’s all my fault,” You muttered under your breath, knowing he felt this way due to yourself. “I just thought it would be easier for the both of us if I left. I thought it would make all the puzzle pieces click into place, and the next time I would see you would be on my television skating in the Olympics.” 

Sunghoon was quick to shake his head, “It’s my fault as well, I should have noticed something was off before you left. I should have been able to stop you from leaving.” He said, a thought that has marred his mind since you revealed why you left, he should have been able to tell something was wrong, he should have been able to know you were pregnant before you left, he should have stopped you from leaving. “I just keep thinking about how different things would have been if I fought harder for you.” 

With that thought, it was your turn to shake your head, “It’s not your fault, even if you fought harder, I still would have left. I just thought I was doing everything right, it broke me to leave you just as much as me leaving you broke you. I just thought at the time it was what was right, I thought that running away would be the best thing. I never thought about how you would truly feel, I only thought about how happy I wanted to see you achieving your dreams.” The words were slow to slip out, it took you a while to find how you wanted to word everything. The game of verbal tetris you were playing with your brain was irritating, the words finally coming out, at least the best they could at the time. 

“I just wished you would have let me know, I would have found a new dream for you,” Sunghoon replied, but seeing the look on your face, he did not press the issue. “That’s enough of that. We’ve said it repeatedly, we can’t do anything about it now, we just need to move on. I want to know what happened to you while you were gone, you know what I did, I shattered my leg, quit skating, and found myself unable to move on.” 

It was a thought you knew would come soon, yet you were still unsure how to answer the question, “I started college, I had Sohee, I raised Sohee, and that’s pretty much it. I could never move on from you either, no else just seemed to compare, everyone was subpar when I would think of them in comparison to you. I honestly did not even try, since no one compares to you. Maybe it was the delusions in my mind, but I like to think it’s the reality of you, giving me such high standards, no one can measure up.” Maybe it was wrong of you to reveal that to him, yet you felt no remorse, he needed to know how you felt.

Sunghoon found it hard to believe, while he never attempted to move on, since no matter what girl the boys showed him, none of them made him feel like you had; he found it hard to believe you never tried to move on. Yet, hearing your words, he felt it, he finally understood why. All these years, he thought he was the only one down so badly, he thought that you had probably moved on, found a man way better than he was, and was living happily ever after with your new man. Yet, no, you were in the same situation he was, so in love with someone to the point no one else could win your heart. Even after all these years, the distance, the betrayal, and everything; you two were still just two love sick fools waiting for a chance to be as you once were, and Sunghoon knew once the trust was finally built up between the two of you again, it would be just as it was all those years before. “No one was ever as beautiful as you. None of them ever made my heart beat as fast as you did. And none of them ever made me feel like butterflies were in my stomach begging to get out. Only you ever did that, and none of the other women they tried to set me up with, or introduce me to, ever made me feel even a tenth of how you made me feel.”

Your hand was quick to find him, he gave you a reassuring squeeze as you placed your hand within his. “I don’t ever plan on giving you up again. I should have never left all those years ago. I realize all my mistakes, and no matter how much I try, my heart has and will always be longing for you. I’ll spend as long as it takes to earn your trust back, I’ll do whatever it takes, since I’m not going anywhere, as long as you’ll allow me by your side, I’ll stay there.” Gazing up at his face, all you could think of was how you would make sure he never feels pain from your actions again, Sunghoon was willing to still love you after all these years, and you were going to make sure he never regrets that decision.

After that, the conversation felt a lot more natural throughout the date, it almost was like it was all those years ago. Leaving the diner, Sunghoon was quick to drop you off home, reminding you of the first date he took you on all those years ago. He was terrified of your parents being mad at him for keeping you out, so he brought you home directly after the date, making sure you were home well before curfew. As you watched him leave through the window of your front door, you were quick to remember how you had not kissed him that night, he had kissed you, and part of you wondered when you would feel his lips gracing yours once more.

Sunghoon was quick to adapt to a schedule with you, date nights on Friday night, park dates with Sohee on Saturday, and skating dates with Sohee on Sunday. Quickly it turned from you always accompanying the two of them, to Sunghoon insisting on taking her alone, claiming he wanted to spend time with her daughter even if you were not there. It was joyous watching as she grew closer and closer to her father, even if she did not know the man was her father, she oftentimes coming home with stories of what the two of them did at the park, usually her dragging Sunghoon around to play as he barely kept up with the child, or her telling you of all the tricks Sunghoon did while skating, and how cool it was, and how she could not want to do those exact tricks one day. 

Sohee was quick to understand that you were dating Sunghoon, not really understanding the concept of dating, but she knew you loved him based on the two of you kissing once in front of her. At some point, the three of you started looking like a proper family, the family you always wanted for little Sohee, the family she would have had to start with, had you not been so stupid as to move away and hide her from him. Despite that, as your love with Sunghoon bloomed once more, his heart blossomed with love for his two girls, quickly taking to the position of being Sohee’s father. Sohee just loved the fact that both of the people in her life could skate and would take her skating, it also did not hurt Sunghoon would oftentimes take her out for sweets after their skating time was done either.

As the cherry blossoms started to bloom Sunghoon had the idea to take you on a date to the park, he always promised to take you to where the cherry blossoms bloomed when you were in high school, yet your skating schedules never allowed him to do so. As he planned a romantic picnic in the park, he knew you would love it, sweet dates like that were always your favorite. He could give you the choice between an expensive luxury three star Michelin restaurant, and a sweet picnic date featuring finger sandwiches he made and your favorite dessert from the cafe, and you would always pick the latter. Nothing brought joy to you as much as him putting in effort, he making food for you, he remembering to pick up your favorite tiramisu from that one little cafe, anyone could buy a meal at a restaurant, but you loved the little things he did for you. 

Sitting on the large soft blue checkered blanket, you watched with nothing but adoration as Sunghoon pulled item after item from the dark brown picnic basket he had bought. Item after item decorating the blanket, a favorite of yours, a favorite of his, a favorite of both of yours. It was the ideal date, it was simple, but you loved that, it was something you could replicate any day with little money and little effort. Sunghoon remembered how you always talked about loving picnics, how a picnic and star gazing was your favorite date, and maybe that was what he had in mind when he planned this date. At the time, the weather was clear, and he assumed it would be a lovely time to do all of that. He planned to eat the picnic, take a stroll in the falling cherry blossoms, and then end the night stargazing with you. He would not admit it, but he already had some cheesy pickup lines ready to go, the stars might be beautiful but not as beautiful as you, the stars might be bright but not as bright as the stars in your eyes, and many other things already to go. 

The joy on your face as the two of you started to eat warmed Sunghoon’s heart, the little comments on how he remembered you liked this and you liked that, of course he would, even if he tried, he would be unable to forget all those little details he loves about you. The joy did not fade either, as soon the two of you were walking hand in hand, putting the picnic basket and blanket in his car, before continuing on into the park. Soon you were underneath the cherry blossoms, the sheer beauty of the scene gripping your heart, reminding you of the scenes in movies. The highly dramatic scenes where the main characters take a walk under the falling cherry blossoms, Sunghoon and yourself being the main characters in this scene. 

A laugh slipped from your lips as you felt the falling flowers making contact with your hair, looking up at Sunghoon, you found yourself staring into his eyes, seeing the flowers in his hair making him look even more beautiful than usual, if that was possible. Gazing up into his eyes, you found yourself muttering, as you pressed yourself against him. “I’ve fallen like a fool for you, every time I think I’m in too deep, I fall even further every time you look at me.” Being all you said, before your eyes found their way to his lips, wanting nothing more than to kiss him, yet not wanting to be the one to make the first move.

“I never really understood all the talk about love, but even after all these years, just staring into your eyes, I think I'm starting to understand it now, and I don’t ever plan on letting you go again.” Sunghoon muttered, his lips just centimeters from your own, but not daring to press against yours, despite how much his brain yelled at him to do so. The intrusive thoughts within his brain quickly won the power struggle going on in his mind, as his hands moved from holding yours, to cupping your cheeks, “You, you’re the one I love.” Yet, he refused to allow the thoughts in his brain to win as they begged him to kiss you, he instead asking, “What would you do if I kissed you right now?”

Staring into his eyes would usually send your brain into flashbacks of all those years ago, the time in high school where it was just you and him, yet now, your brain floods with ideas of the future, of your life together, of being a proper family. As he repeatedly confessed his love for you, it felt as though things were finally falling into place, you had already exposed your own love for him so many times ago, yet he was more cautious not wanting to be hurt again, but his words gave you everything you needed from him in that moment. Even after hurting him so long ago, you found your way to once again own his heart, and yours never left his ownership. “What would I do if you kissed me?” You repeated, “I would kiss you back,” was added shortly after, wanting nothing more than for him to do exactly that. “I want you to kiss me here, right now.” Was muttered as your lips were now almost against his own. 

Sunghoon was quick to press his lips against your own, any space that was between the two of you quickly disappeared. His actions spoke much louder than any words he said could have in that moment, he started to smile into the kiss as he felt your arms wrap around his neck, pulling him as close to you as he could be. Sunghoon’s own hands moved from cupping your face running down your sides, claiming their place around your waist, pulling you against him as best as he could. The sparks he always felt when kissing you were felt once more, the butterflies within his stomach erupted, and while you would not tell him, you were feeling the same, nothing but joy and love filling your heart as the two of you kissed. It felt as though time was frozen as the two of you kissed, all those repressed feelings and emotions bleeding into the kiss. Three years apart did nothing but make the heart grow fonder, make your emotions and love for one another stronger, and leave your minds with the thoughts that you should have never left, while Sunghoon’s mind was flooded with the idea that he should have followed you, he should have fought harder, he should have never let you leave him. “Your lips taste the same, how I’ve missed them” Sunghoon muttered against yours, the second part of his sentence being nothing more than a whisper, as he finally pulled back, the lack of oxygen finally getting to the point you needed to part.

“For you I’d steal the stars,” You muttered back to him, your lips just barely away from his. As the two of you stood there, slightly panting, trying to catch your breath, you found yourself shifting under his gaze, wanting nothing more than to continue kissing him, to make your lips meet his once more. “Stop looking at me like that or I'm gonna kiss you.” You said to him, ready to completely fold under his gaze, and you quickly did, reconnecting your lips to his once more feeling as he smirked into the kiss, you felt nothing but the state of needing him more and more, unable to fathom the idea of going without him for a single second longer. You were the stars in his night sky, as he was your moon within the same sky, and apart neither of you thrived, you belonged together, you completed each other, you were the stars to his moon. 

Your lips were quick to meet his, the soft flesh gently met, the kiss was currently delicate and tender; yet, as the two of you continued, it escalated quickly. The kiss shifted from soft and languid, to frantic and heated. The two of you were unable to get enough, the kiss becoming impatient and fiery, the hunger coming out, no longer did it feel familiar, a new level of desire coming to the surface as it quickly became sloppy and aggressive. No longer were the two of you apprehensive and nervous, quickly becoming eager and greedy as the kiss continued, wanting nothing more than the other as close as they could be. Lips changed from being pressed against each other gently, to crushing together, to devouring as you attempted to explore one another, needing more and more as hands clung to clothing, wanting to erase all space between the two of you, needing to be closer, since close was not close enough. Hearts palpitating as one of your hands clutched at the collar of Sunghoon’s shirt, palms sweating as your fingers on one hand tangled within Sunghoon’s hair, cheeks burning as Sunghoon’s arm circles around your waist, blood rushing through your veins while his other hand found its way between your shoulder blades. The kiss continued feverishly, all the emotions that you had held for the last three years flooding out into the kiss, you two just wanting more and more of each other, unable to ever get your fill. Finally parting, you found his forehead resting against yours as the two of you tried to catch your breath once more, staring into each other’s eyes, nothing but love and joy being exchanged in your gazes. 

“I missed this, I missed you, everything about you.” You muttered under your breath, still slightly panting while trying to catch your breath. Your hands still clung to Sunghoon’s neck and hair, wanting nothing more than to pull him back to your lips, never wanting to let him part from you again. The love and joy filling your heart once again, reminiscent of how you felt all those years ago, yet now those feelings were more intense, no longer some silly puppy love, instead your heart was filled with the unadulterated feelings of love and desire for the man standing in front of you. The love in Sunghoon’s eyes mirrored yours, and this time it was not yourself that connected your lips once more, instead Sunghoon was the one that ducked down, the hand he still had on your shoulder blades quickly helping to connect the gap of space that was once between the two of you. 

To any onlooker, the two of you would have looked like a lovesick adorable couple, young love in full bloom as the cherry blossoms were. The soft pink petals falling all around caused the scene to look even more picturesque. Two people so deeply in love, making out amongst the falling pink petals of the cherry blossoms whilst in the middle of the park, the moment was like one ripped directly from a movie or television drama. Sunghoon’s lips parted from your own, allowing you a moment to breathe, yet his lips were unable to leave you, he instead trailing them down your neck, placing rushed and feverish kisses all along your neck. Despite the euphoria, the joy you felt from the moment, the soft pink petals tangled within your hair were soon to fall. It started as a sprinkle, a sprinkle you ignored. Maybe it was that you did not want anything to ruin this moment for you, ruin the perfect feelings you were feeling, ruin the joy and love you felt from and towards the individual who you were currently tangled up in. Yet, that sprinkle was quick to change, as Sunghoon’s lips moved up your neck, resuming their place on your own. The kiss however was interrupted, the light sprinkles you had been ignoring suddenly turning into a downpour of rain. The once picturesque scene continued, rather than two lovers kissing amongst the falling cherry blossoms, instead it was two lovers kissing amongst the falling rain. 

Sunghoon was the first to break away, despite how your lips so easily followed after his own, he pulled away from you, being the first to speak. “Let’s get out of this rain,” He started, only to be interrupted by a large crash of thunder, what was once a nice rainstorm turning quickly turning into a torrential thunderstorm. Sunghoon felt nothing but his heart swelling with love and joy as he heard the laughs slipping past your lips, at the scene, before he grabbed your hand and the two of you started running towards his car. 

The two of you ran for a moment, until you almost fell, the shoes you had worn for your date were definitely not made for running, and definitely not for running while in the rain. The laughter rolled from your lips, as Sunghoon was quick to grab your waist, making sure you did not fall, and instead stayed safely pressed up to his side. “Come here, I'll carry you." Sunghoon was quick to say, leaning down, allowing you to climb onto his back, before he took off running again. Your arms wrapped around his neck, his hands quickly finding home on your thighs, as he held you steadily, letting you cling to his back, before he started to run back towards his car. Once by his car, he quickly put you down, allowing you to climb into the car, before he ran to the drivers side. These moments you felt so carefree, so youthful, like you had nothing to worry about but yourself and him. It was moments like these that made you feel the joy and simple happiness that having a child so early in life took from you, yet, you would never give up Sohee for anything, you felt as though your life now was eons better than even high school you would have imagined. Sunghoon’s laugh caught your ears, you turning to look at him, your hand finding its way up, pushing the wet hair off his face, wiping some of the raindrops off his skin, he ended up doing the same to you, the two of you pushing each other’s hair back, allowing you to fully see the others face. The sweet moment you shared however was fleeting, your lips desiring to reconnect with his, and you found yourself leaning over the center console of his car, lips meeting his once more. This moment however ended quickly, as somehow someone’s shoulder made contact with the car’s steering wheel, the horn of the vehicle causing the two of you to jump apart, before laughter filled the area once more. 

In the midst of his laughter, Sunghoon decided maybe it would be better to head on back, rather than continue making out in the car. “Let’s head back,” He started, quickly shedding his jacket, before he started the vehicle up. The warmth of the heater was welcome, despite it being a warm spring, the rain robbed the air and your frames of all that warmth. In that moment, you found yourself reaching for Sunghoon’s hand unconsciously, and he did the same. Hands meeting, fingers intertwined, you found yourself only holding hands, not sure if you can touch them more. As his car quietly hummed along the isolated roads, driving back towards the city, Sunghoon was the first to move his hand, finding its way to your thigh, he gently squeezing it. 

Everything felt like it was falling back into place, like everything was finding where it belonged. Here you belonged in Sunghoon’s passenger seat, controlling the radio, as he sat driving with one hand on the wheel and the other on your thigh. The silence was comfortable, the late night driving reminded you of the nights so many years ago, but this time it was better, your mind was not full of all of those childish little fears that your teenage brain once held, now your mind was only full of love for the man sitting on your side, the man you wanted nothing more than build a future with. The man that you genuinely felt was your endgame.

Sunghoon drove until he ended up at his apartment, seeing how it was closer than your house was. Sitting in the car, the two of you watched the rain pour down for a few minutes, waiting for it to slow, yet, as it continued to only rain harder and harder, you decided it would be best to get inside his apartment before it gets worse. Sunghoon was quick to exit the drivers side, running over to attempt to block some of the rain off of you, however as it was nothing more than a downpour, it helped none, the two of you were immediately soaked with water. "I'm going to carry you, okay?" Sunghoon quickly said, before scooping you up, starting to run towards his apartment building, a smile upon both of your faces, as you clung to his neck, as he held you close to his chest. 

Finally entering the building, he sat you down, allowing you to walk with him to his apartment. "You're soaking wet." He said, watching as the water pooled at your feet as you walked, leaving a path through the hallway. 

“You’re one to talk,” You retorted back, seeing how he was covered in just as much water as you. The comment, causing the two of you to start laughing once more, luckily you were nearing his apartment door, and not going to be a disruption to his neighbors for much longer. Entering his apartment, it was oddly something that screamed, him. It was clean and organized, it looked sleek and modern, and it just screamed Sunghoon, the only thing out of place being the pictures you could clearly see setting on the table, drawings that Sohee had given him. 

Despite wanting to look around his apartment a bit more, he was quick to point out the big problem of the moment. “You’re shivering, go shower and I’ll get you some dry clothing, I don’t want you to get sick,” Sunghoon said, feeling him gently kiss your forehead, before pointing you in the direction of his bathroom. You wanted to point out he was wet from the rain as well, yet he gave you no time, instead just pointing you off into the direction of the bathroom and walking off. You were quick to go into the bathroom, getting ready to shower as Sunghoon knocked on the door, letting you know he left a bag of clothing outside the door.  As you showered, you heard a faint voice, it sounded like Sunghoon was on the phone with someone, yet you paid it no mind as you tried to warm up. 

Exiting the bathroom, wearing the sweats and sweater that Sunghoon had given you, you found him dressed in dry clothing, while trying to dry his hair with a towel. “You need to take a shower too, go, go.” You told him, starting to push him like he had you. He attempted to fight it, before finally giving in, going to shower with warm water, to satiate you. As he was showering, you found your phone, seeing a message from Karina. Opening it with haste, you expected the worst, but instead you saw a message that brought a laugh to your chest. The message from Karina read ‘Sunghoon said you are staying at his house tonight due to the weather, you better not create another Sohee, Sakura and I are not ready to be the aunts of two’. Being distracted by your phone, you almost did not notice Sunghoon leaving the bathroom, he looked a lot warmer than he did moments ago, and his hair fully dried.

“You're shivering... Do you want another one of my sweaters?” Sunghoon was quick to ask, seeing how you were still slightly shivering in the cold air of his apartment. You had not even noticed you were shivering, but he was already at the thermostat while grabbing you a blanket. Once he found his way to the sofa, sitting besides you, his hands found their way to your waist, pulling you onto his lap, before laying the blanket over both of you. Leaning your head against his shoulder, you found yourself thinking of how much you loved this. You loved being in his arms, you loved being with him, you loved him in all his being, and you planned to never let him go again. 

Sunghoon had turned on some mediocre romance movie on his television, the two of you sitting in the dark living room as the D-list actors did their best to give the crappy script some emotion, yet even the low budget stupid romance movie could not keep your focus. Instead of staring at the television screen, you found yourself staring at an even better view. Your eyes were locked on his face, watching him as he watched the movie, or at least he attempted to watch the movie. Not even ten minutes into the movie, he had enough of your staring, deciding to do some staring of his own, which quickly turned into something more. As your lips moved against his, you felt his arms tightening around your waist, pulling you even closer, as if it was possible to eliminate any more of the gap between the two of you. The movie was soon long forgotten as the two of you continued, the only thing on your minds being one another. The night drew on, all emotions between the two of you escalating, each touch of your lips becoming more and more messy, the kisses becoming sloppy and impatient. Neither of you were able to have enough of the other, it was in this moment that you realized how Sohee came to be so quickly in your relationship. As you separated, Sunghoon’s lips were quickly to find purchase on the side of your neck, finding a spot that he was oh so familiar with, finding it with ease. The feeling of his lips on your neck let you know that by the time morning came it would be marred purple and black. Yet, you could not find it in yourself to care, you would allow him to do it again and again, just to feel his lips against your skin one more time. 

The feverish makeout session continued for the two of you, the movie and thunderstorm roaring outside becoming nothing more than the soundtrack of your night. Unable to keep their hands off one another, they find their way into each other’s hair, on their necks, gripping their collars, gripping the backs of their shirts, and around one another’s waist. The wanton kisses continued until the events of the night hit you both, kisses fading from hungry and full of desire, to languid and tired. Lips gently moving against one another’s, neither wanting to be the first to pull away, neither wanting to be the first to admit the fatigue was taking over their body, neither wanting to be the one to end this euphoric moment. Yet, Sunghoon finally found himself pulling away, the two of you resting against each other’s forehead for a moment. That moment however left quickly, your head finding itself against his shoulder, as Sunghoon’s cheek found itself leaning against your head. The two of you find comfort in each other’s arms, falling asleep with ease while laying across his sofa. 

Awaking in the morning, you found yourself resting on Sunghoon’s chest, his arms around you, nothing filling the air except for the consistent sound of his breathing. It was a moment you decided you wanted to experience for the rest of your life, not sleeping uncomfortably on his sofa, but waking up in his arms, hands intertwined even as you slept, unable to get enough of one another even when in an unconscious state. A smile graced your face as Sunghoon woke up, being quick to press a kiss to your lips, before muttering a stereotypical, “Good morning’. The morning was good, all because you had woken up next to him, it was a wonderful morning all thanks to him. 

These thoughts however were quickly ended, you sitting up sharply remembering you were not at your house, you were at Sunghoon’s apartment, and you had stayed the night due to the bad weather. Sunghoon also got up with haste, knowing exactly what was going on in your mind, grabbing your hand, he was quick to speak as you tried to find your way to the door. “Calm down, just take a breath,” He started, his hand starting to stroke your hair, “We’ll get you home and to Sohee in a minute, but first calm down. We’ll get you home, you can go change, and then we’ll take Sohee out to breakfast and to the park, okay?” 

Listening to him came automatically, a nod of your head and a deep breath later, you were sitting at the counter of his kitchen as he was getting changed. Before long, you were on the road, listening to Sunghoon talk about how his plans for the night before had been ruined, stargazing could not happen when it was pouring down rain; yet, you found yourself happy his original plans had been ruined, since how the night went was better than you could have imagined or even planned. The silence in the car was comfortable as the buildings passed by on the way to your house, the car turned into a familiar road, before long finding its way to your house. 

Exiting the vehicle you were soon in your living room, seeing Karina and Sakura had already gotten Sohee up, and the small child was playing. She quickly found her way towards you, only to change the direction her little legs were taking her to someone behind you. A gasp left your lips as you watched Sohee run into Sunghoon’s arms instead of your own, the shocked look quickly turning into a smile, seeing the soft interaction between your two favorite people. Sohee giggled as Sunghoon picked her up, carrying and bouncing the small child around, listening as she babbled on and on about her night with Aunty Rina and Aunty Kura. 

Leaving the two of them in the living room, you made your way upstairs, Sakura and Karina were quick to follow. The door of your bedroom had not even closed as Sakura started, “Tell us everything,” She said, sitting on your bed, Karina following suit, nodding as she also sat on the bed, wanting to know each and every little detail. 

“I can tell from the shade of your neck that someone interesting, or perhaps should I say fun, happened,” Karina was quick to chime in, obviously not missing the purple and black shaded spots covering the side of your neck. Seeing the marks, she could only hope that things had not went as far as they could have, she was serious when she said she could not handle being the aunt of two, Sohee was already a handful, imagine having another one, it would probably be even more feral and crazy than the sweet and energetic first born was.

Reaching up, you moved the collar of the sweater attempting to cover the marks for a moment, a blush coming to your cheeks as the girls just laughed at you. As the girls sat ready to hear all the little details, you started talking as you quickly changed your clothing, telling them everything they wanted to know, but maybe leaving out some parts, like the two of you making out in the cherry blossoms, and then again in the rain, and then again on Sunghoon’s couch. Nothing was heard other than cute noises from the two, they were in awe of your cute little relationship, how easily the two of you fell back into your routine, how easily the two of you fell back in love. As you started to do your hair, covering the spots on your neck, their words hit you, and you found yourself in awe of it as well, how quickly the two of you fell back in love, it was like you were never apart, it was like those three years never happened. The gossip session with the girls ended as you were done getting ready, the three of you making your way downstairs, Sakura and Karina leaving for their apartments, while Sunghoon started to prepare the smaller of his two favorite girls to leave. 

Once you had bid Sakura and Karina goodbye, you found yourself focusing on Sunghoon again, he sat on the floor helping Sohee put her shoes on, as she claimed she needed help to do so, feigning an inability to do it herself. It was a lovely scene, seeing as she had Sunghoon wrapped around her little fingers, just as she had you. The scene was a domestic one that you honestly would not have a single problem seeing for the rest of your life, it was cute to watch as Sohee explained to the tall male which shoe went on which foot, and how to put her shoes on for her. A smile came to your face, watching as Sunghoon simply nodded, doing as Sohee told him. The toddler was quick to start talking his ear off, as she explained her little rainboots, why they were her favorite shoes, and why she picked that color. The smile on your face however was soon to fade. Sunghoon finished putting Sohee’s shoes on, and Sohee was quick to jump up, wrapping her arms around Sunghoon’s neck in a hug. “Thank you daddy,” Sohee quickly yelled, before letting Sunghoon go, the child running off to go play with her toys.

In that moment, you knew each time Sakura, Karina, and yourself discussed things going on, she was listening. She had heard how many times they mentioned how her father was Sunghoon. She had heard it all, and she even went as far as to call him it. Sunghoon was quick to look up at you, the smile on your face dropping as he had a look similar to a deer caught in the headlights. Standing up, he was shifty, seeing the look on his face made your heart sink. The look on his face let you know what he was looking for, an escape route.

“I’m so sorry, I just remembered, I have something to do, I have to go, sorry.” Sunghoon stuttered out, his words jumbling, as he quickly made his exit. Not even a minute within Sohee dropping the word, he was gone, his vehicle starting the drive was audible, and he was gone.

Staring at the door he had just left out of, you were unable to stop yourself from letting some tears fall. The silent tears burned a path down your face, the only thing in your mind at that moment being that he hurt you, just as you hurt him all those years ago. Despite the desire to run back upstairs to your bed, collapsing into the soft fabric, letting the silk pillowcase catch all your tears, instead you had to be strong. Standing there, you let the tears fall for a moment, before wiping your tears, knowing you had more important things to do than cry for Park Sunghoon. You thought that maybe he was ready to be a permanent fixture in both your life and Sohee’s, but it seems you were wrong, he was temporary, and you were stupid for even thinking that he would want to be permanent. 

“Sohee, park?” You finally found your voice, it breaking slightly, but it was the best you could do in that moment. Walking into the living room, Sohee was quick to jump up, looking around for Sunghoon, who was not there. “He had to leave. But let’s go to the park? Okay?” You were quick to tell her, picking her up as she nodded, ready to go. Leaving the house, you found yourself thinking about how this is better, no one to worry about except yourself and Sohee. This is what your life has been the last three years, and what it should be. No longer would you allow your brain to fill with foolish thoughts of being a happy little family, since obviously Sunghoon was not ready for that, he running off and running away from the two of you. 

Before you knew it, Sohee was running amok, jumping from puddle to puddle, enjoying the rainfall from the night prior. Once you arrived at the park you had started to text Karina and Sakura, letting them know what was going on. They were quick to respond with disappointment, the whole situation was something they did not expect either, they thought that he was ready for everything, but it seems not. As you texted them, watching Sohee, your phone buzzed twice in quick succession, indicating you had new messages. The messages were quick to pop up, one from Jay while another was from Sunoo, reading Jay’s a smile briefly came to your face, ‘Park Sunghoon is a dumbass, don’t give up hope’. From that message alone, you knew that Sunghoon had done the same thing you had, immediately run to your friends group chat and tell them everything. Sunoo’s messages were a lot more humorous than Jay’s, “Sunghoon is a fucking idiot’, ‘do I need to beat him up’, ‘I will’, ‘I don’t think I’ll win’, ‘but I’d do it for Sohee’, ‘I think he needs his ass beat’. After reading Sunoo’s sixth message, you just silence your phone, placing it in your pocket, any messages you receive going unannounced, as you focused on your daughter and your daughter only. 

The fantasies that plagued your mind, the ideas of Sohee having both parents by her side, the thoughts of Sunghoon finally taking his role as her father, crumbled all around you. No longer were you hopeful for the future to come with him, no longer were you envisioning the days of being a happy family, no longer were the ideas of actually having it all in your mind. Maybe this was best for everyone, better for yourself and Sohee in the long run. Sunghoon running away before he was fully integrated into Sohee’s life was the best, since it meant less pain for her, less pain for yourself. You would not have to explain to an elementary student why her father left her, since he left before she was fully acclimated to him. 

Staring at Sohee, you allowed her to play as long as she wanted, deciding it would be better to keep her distracted like this, rather than have her question what happened with Sunghoon. Unlike usual, Sohee tired a lot quicker than she usually did, only spending roughly an hour at the park. The child could usually spend three or four hours running around and playing, and then still not be tired when you announce it is time to leave. Yet, she wanted to leave only an hour after arriving, which you obliged. 

Taking your child, you found yourself in front of your house before long, four cars parked in front of your house, letting you know that your friends were there. Entering the house, you were quick to put Sohee down, she wanted nothing more than to nap. Once she was sleeping, the living room was where you found yourself, Sakura, Karina, Sunoo, and Jungwon waiting for you since they got your text almost thirty minutes before you arrived home. They were quick to rush over, knowing the last thing you needed was to be alone again. Sakura and Sunoo were fast with wrapping an arm around your shoulders, pulling you down onto the sofa between them, letting you rest your head on their shoulders. 

“Sunghoon is a complete fucking dumbass,” Karina started, the rage in the eyes barely being contained by Jungwon, as he pulled her arm to make her sit down. “He better be lucky I don’t know where he lives, or oh, I’d fuck him up.” She rambled on, seeming even more mad about the situation that you were in, than you were.

Jungwon was hasty in reaching up, grabbing Karina’s hand again, pulling her back down, as she jumped up in anger from the seat next to him. “Usually I would try to see it from the other side, but honestly, both sides of this just make him an asshole. Like he’s spent months getting to know Sohee, claiming he wants to be her father, but then runs away the moment she calls him dad. Like there is no way to see this from his point of view that doesn’t make him seem like a horrible person. Either he did not really think of the commitment that it would mean, and freaked out when she said it, since it hit him. Or he never planned to stay, and her calling him that freaked him out.” Jungwon said he was known for being the level headed one of your friend group, but even he knew there was no level headed way to think of this situation.

“I still think you should let me fight him,” Sunoo cut in, being met by a quick shake of heads from everyone else. Even Karina, who wanted to fight Sunghoon, was shaking her head. “Yeah, yeah, shake your heads, I know I wouldn’t win either, but I could probably at least like, bite him, do some damage.” He said, seeing the chorus of heads shaking, being quick to sigh, before focusing on rubbing your shoulders once more.

Sakura’s hand moved from your shoulder to your hair, softly petting it, as you laid your head on his shoulder. “I say fuck him. Sohee was fine being raised without him, and she doesn’t need him now. She has two amazing aunts and two wonderful uncles, she has no need for a Sunghoon in her life when she has all of us instead, we would never leave or run away from her, we actually love her, unlike someone.” Sakura started to ramble, her words coming out hastily, like she was going to lose her train of thought.

Hearing their words, you nodded your head, with a sigh, the memories of last night came to mind. “I just, I thought everything was going perfect. I mean last night it was like we were in a dream, he took me to see the cherry blossoms and we had a romantic picnic. We were so perfect, I thought he was ready to be in my life, to be her life. But, he just ran, he just left without a second thought.” You said, starting to cry as you spoke, tears filling your eyes as you recall the perfect night that turned into a nightmare day. “I just thought, I just, just for once I thought I could have it all. I thought I could be happy.” 

Sunoo was quick to lift a hand, wiping your tears, as Sakura started to rub your back, Karina was grabbing tissues for you, while Jungwon watched the scene, his anger towards Sunghoon tripling in that moment. “Sometimes you have to make your own happiness, and you can be happy with us. I know we aren’t him, but we’ll help and support you in any way you need, prove to yourself that you don’t need him.” Jungwon said, trying to make you feel better, but it only made you cry more.

“You wasted months proving yourself to him, just for him to do what?” Karina started to yell, jumping out, dodging Jungwon’s hand for once. “To run out like a little bitch the moment he realized how serious things were getting.” Karina was more angered at the situation than anyone was, knowing your past with him, it made sense, only she knew what you had gone through with him. “He wanted so badly to be in your life, just to run away. Leave you to have to explain to Sohee why her dad doesn’t love her, why he disappeared on her and never came back, why she doesn’t have a family like everyone else because he’s too much of a little bitch to be the father he should be. You opened yourself up to him once more, allowed him into Sohee’s life and your own, just for him to do this, I just, I can’t.” Karina ranted, excusing herself to go stand outside to attempt to calm her nerves.

With a sigh, you watched Jungwon follow her out, wanting to keep her from doing anything she would regret. You however had no time to focus on that, as Sunoo started to talk once more. “I just don’t understand, in our group chat, he talks highly of Sohee, of fully being her father, but I guess he just liked the title more than actually being it.” He said, being met with a noise of approval from Sakura. “He’ll probably realized he fucked up and come running back to you, but I wouldn’t take him back. Make him beg for it. Make him earn your trust. He made you earn his trust back before he was willing to show you affection, make him earn your trust before he can see Sohee. Walk him like a dog, girl.” Sunoo said, any alliance to his friend Sunghoon was gone, instead he only held alliance to you. 

Sakura was quick to agree, noises of agreement slipping past her lips, before she started talking. “I just can’t believe he would do this to you, I thought we were making progress, I thought things were changing for the better, I thought things would finally be better for you.” She said, her hand continuing to stroke your hair, providing some comfort in this situation. 

It was not long before Jungwon and Karina rejoined the three of you, her anger mostly subsiding, and the five of you instead focusing on other topics than Sunghoon. The four of them decided to stay the night, turning the comfort session into a sleepover, much to Sohee’s joy. She was enjoying the night with her favorite aunties and uncles, the thoughts of what happened previously that day slipping from her mind, as they indulged her in all her favorite movies and foods. Allowing for a day to get their minds off of what was happening around them, allowing them to only have fun, despite the crazy world and things going on outside their door.

It had been just over a week since that day, since the day Sunghoon ran, leaving you alone in the house with a daughter who had just called him dad for the first time. When your phone rang, you thought you were being scammed as the unknown caller popped up on the phone, deciding it was better to not answer the call, assuming it was probably someone calling to let you know your car’s warranty was set to expire soon. Yet, the number called back once it went to voicemail, causing you to ignore it once more. Whoever it was, however did not give up, after that call went to voicemail, they sent you a message. It was only then that you read what it said, ‘hey it’s Jake, I know I’m probably the last person you want to talk to right now, but can we meet up’. On the list of people you thought would be behind the unknown caller, some random telemarketer or an automated voice caller, Jake was not even considered to be on that list, especially after how he yelled at you during your last time together.��

For some reason, you found yourself agreeing to meet up with him, sitting at the table alone, you waited for him. Jay sat only a few tables down, playing with Sohee, luckily he had gone on his break and did not mind keeping the little girl company as you spoke to Jake. Jay himself was confused when you told him Jake reached out, after everything had gone down, Jake still had not opened up to the idea of being around you or speaking to you. Even now months later, Jay and Sunoo were the only ones of their friend group you spoke to; Heeseung was just never really a friend of yours, meanwhile Jake still seemed to harbor a hatred towards you.

Watching as Jay and Sohee talked, listening to her ramble, you made a mental note to invite Jay the next time all your friends go out. Jay and your conversations had mostly been restricted to text only, yet you had grown close enough, to the point that you trusted him to watch Sohee, so he would be a welcome addition the next time you all go out, that is if he is not working. Watching the two of them only lasted for a few minutes, as you heard the chair around you scrape against the floor as it was pulled from the table, Jake taking a seat. He sat there silently, almost mimicking your own silence. Neither of you wanted to be the one to break the silence, neither of you wanted to be the one to speak first. 

"I think I owe you an apology." Jake said quickly, being the first person to break the ice. You could tell that thought was on his mind, even if Jay was not sitting only ten feet away, staring daggers into the floppy haired man’s back. Jake genuinely was, after learning everything, he felt like shit for everything he said to you in anger. He just could never put his feelings into words, like how does one say sorry I was a dumbass without sounding like a dumbass.

Hearing the words slip from his mouth, all you could do was shake your head at the useless apology. "You don't have anything to be sorry for." You simply told him, “You said what you said, and I know you were only wanting to protect your best friend.” You continued. “I mean, I had hurt him once, you just didn’t want him to be hurt again. I’d do the same for my friends.”

Jake silently nodded, not really knowing how he planned this meeting to go, he was really sorry, but he was unsure of how to get you to believe it. “I shouldn’t have spoken on something I didn’t know, but I did, and now you are the one hurt.” He said, regretting his choice of words, as you obviously had a negative reaction to his words. “I just, Sunghoon’s a complete and total idiot, and I know you won’t believe me, but I really think what he did was wrong.” He tried to explain. “Sunghoon immediately freaked out in our group chat, and I know he’s going through it, but I can only imagine you are going through it worse, and even though I have no part in this I’m sorry, and I just, I just wanted to let you know I’m sorry and that Sunghoon’s just an idiot, don’t hate him for this.” Jake said, his words turning into a long ramble of words. 

With a sharp breath from your nose, you thought about what he said. “This would mean a whole lot more coming from him, not you. That’s like me apologizing for Yuna breaking your heart back in high school. It is not your place to apologize, you're not the one that ran out in terror after having the child you’ve been bonding with for months call you dad. You're not the one who ignored all my texts and calls wondering what was going on, since you ran out so abruptly I thought maybe something had happened. You’re not the one who broke my heart, or it at least seems like it.” Hearing your words, you see Jake give you an odd look, looking almost like a confused puppy. “I’m not sure whether he broke my heart, or if he helped me dodge a bullet, since I’d rather him run away before Sohee gets too used to him being in her life, than him run once she gets comfortable with him being her dad.”

Jake was quick to shake his head, hearing each word from your mouth broke his heart a little more each time. He had no children, and hoped to keep it that way at the time being, but hearing how you spoke so lowly of Sunghoon hurt, yet he can understand where you are coming from with your ideas. “You aren’t dodging a bullet. There is no bullet to dodge. Instead, you have an idiot that is uncontrollably and irrevocably in love with you, his heart belongs to no one except you, and it can never belong to another. He’s an idiot that is so in love with you, he loves his daughter so much, but he got overwhelmed, and he overreacted.” Jake pauses, unsure of what to say next, before deciding upon one thing. “Just hear him out, I know you may feel hurt, you may feel like he did it on purpose, but just hear him out. He’s just a giant idiot who got overwhelmed, just hear him out before you decide to cut him out of your life.”

Hearing Jake’s plea, you simply nodded, deciding this had gone on long enough, and you needed to get home. “We’ll see,” You simply said, standing up, staring towards the table Sohee and Jay sat at. “Thank you for watching her.” You told Jay as Sohee jumped up to come to you, running back to hug her new uncle Jay before the two of you left. Sohee had taken to Jay quickly, he was much calmer and more quiet than her other uncles Sunoo and Jungwon, and seeing how he had taken to her, you knew he would be included within your friend hangouts more often. Leaving the cafe, the only thing on your mind was whether to take Jake seriously, should you hear him out, should you give him once chance, give him one chance like he had given you.

At first you thought you were seeing things when you heard the knock at the door, and upon checking the doorbell camera, saw him standing there, shifting foot to foot, obviously feeling uncomfortable at this scene. However, this was a scene of his own being, he caused this himself, and therefore he needed to deal with it himself. The trip to the door was slow, luckily Sohee had just been put down for her afternoon nap, otherwise it would have been a much more awkward talk with him. She did not understand what was going on, why Sunghoon suddenly left, and why he had not been around the past week. He had become a common figure within your home, always visiting to see Sohee and yourself, so it was odd to have gone over a week without him gracing your house with his presence. But at this time, his presence would have not been welcome, nor would it have been a gift. 

Finally opening the door, there he was, staring right back at you. Sunghoon was quick to step into the house, following you into the living room. The scene was a familiar one, except this time, he knew about Sohee and he also knew you had been back for a while. This time it was not about you keeping secrets from him, it was instead about himself, and the tone shift in the scene made that obvious, rather than anger filling the air, it was resentment. Sunghoon regretted how he acted, and you could tell that, yet, it was going to take more than just a simple apology to get you to forgive him in this circumstance. 

“I’m sorry,” Sunghoon started, he planned to come in and apologize and open his heart up to you, but the words felt lost in his throat. His head was empty, finally seeing you made him forget everything he had previously rehearsed in the mirror. The grand apology and promises he planned to make never came out, instead he just trailed off, leaving you with complete silence.

Staring Sunghoon in the face, you found yourself unable to keep eye contact with him. He runs away when Sohee finally calls him dad, then he comes back just expecting you to forgive him and let him back into your life, back into Sohee’s life. “Oh, you’re sorry. Oh, that helps so much, a simple apology doesn’t do anything to help what you’ve done. You hurt me, worst of all, you hurt our daughter. You didn’t even think about your actions, you just ran, and what sat around until you decided you messed up, thinking you would come running back to me and I would accept you with open arms. You have another thing coming, it would be one thing if you hurt me, but you didn’t just hurt me.” You started to rant, the look on Sunghoon’s face contorting as you hit him where it hurts, but you did not stop there. “If you had only hurt me, I would have just accepted it as revenge for me doing the same thing all those years ago, when I left you when I found out I was pregnant. I would have just assumed you were a horrible person who wanted revenge on me in the same way I hurt you, and I would have gotten over it. You probably could have come and apologized, and I would have fallen right into your arms again, since I am so in love with you. But you didn’t just hurt me.” 

Taking a breath, Sunghoon looked like he was going to start talking, but you quickly cut him off. “You hurt our daughter, no, you hurt my daughter, you hurt the only thing I have that keeps me going. I may have thought you were a horrible person, but no you’re evil and vindictive, the fact that you hurt her to hurt me, you hurt me through hurting her, only someone that is genuinely an evil person would do that to a three year old. If you decided you were not willing to be part of her life, to be part of this family, you should have left without a single word, instead you hurt my child.” You continued to yell at him, seeing the tears welling in his eyes did nothing to calm or stop your words. “Do you know how it feels to have a three year old ask you why her dad doesn’t love her? Do you know how it feels to have your own daughter ask you why her dad ran away and hasn’t come back? You don’t, because all you think about is yourself, but that doesn’t mean you aren’t hurting others while you do that.” The adrenaline from the yelling was starting to wear off as you stopped screaming, your voice became soft, almost broken. “After all these years, after everything you’ve done, I still love you, but I don’t know if I can fully trust you again.” 

Hearing your last sentence broke any resolve that Sunghoon had built up in his body, the words being the exact same words he had told you months ago. “Yell at me all you want. Hate me all you want. I know I deserve it. I never meant to hurt you. I never meant to hurt Sohee.” He started, the tears silently starting to fall down his face. “I just, she called me dad and something in me just broke. The idea of commitment and forever and the future, it just paralyzed me. I know this isn’t an excuse, I don’t think I’d forgive myself for it either, and I wouldn’t judge you if you never forgive, but please, just hear me out. “ He started to plead, wanting nothing more than for you to hear him out, to let him get everything on his heart out into the open. “I deserve everything you said to be, each and every word of it. The idea of commitment scared me, the thought of having a child that would rely on me, but after I ran, it hit me that you had to face that head on, you had to be the person that child would rely on since I wasn’t there. It finally hit me that, I’d rather be by your side, I would rather be someone for you and our child, not your child, our child to rely on. I won’t leave your side. I’ll never stop proving to you that I love you, that I’ll never hurt you, again, that I’ll always be there for you.” 

Sunghoon took a breath, a hand harshly wiping his face, before he started again, seeming like he was compiling his thoughts before continuing. “Just give me one chance, one chance to prove I won’t do anything like that ever again. One chance to prove I love you. One chance to prove I love Sohee. One chance to be the father she deserves. One chance to be the love of your life again. One chance to prove to you that I am serious about this, that I am serious about you.” He said, stepping forward, he found himself taking your hands, immediately finding himself on his knees, in front of the seat you sat in, ready to beg you for another chance. “Please, just one chance, let me earn your trust, I’ll do whatever it takes, spend as long as it takes, just give me one chance to prove that your love is placed right with me, that I can be the man you need and the father our daughter deserves.” Sunghoon pleaded, staring up at you, just waiting for an answer.

It was hard to hide the look of confusion as Sunghoon got in front of you, literally on his knees begging. The Sunghoon you knew as a teenager would have never reduced himself to begging, let alone begging on his knees. This action alone, let you know that you were not talking to teenager Sunghoon, not even young adult Sunghoon, it was like he has aged years within a few days, like a new maturity had taken over his brain, taking hold and leaving him with this new rush of maturity and desire to do anything to please you and his daughter. Despite the desire to tell him to leave, to tell him to fuck off, and to laugh in face as he begged you for a chance, it honestly would have been hypocritical on your part. Not even six months ago, you were the one begging him for a chance, and now here he was being the one begging. “One chance. You have one chance, and if you screw it up, you will never be in either Sohee’s life or my own, ever again.” You said to him, this was much more than just you hurting him and him hurting you, he had hurt your daughter, and it was not for the part of your brain that wanted the two of you to work things out, you would have not forgiven him. “Get up, you look like an idiot on the floor,” you muttered, wrenching your hands from his, before standing up. 

Sunghoon was quick to find his own way to his feet, just staring down at you, unable to stop the smile from crossing his features. “That’s all I need. I will make sure to earn your trust back.” He said, the resolve was regrowing within his being, and he planned to make sure he was never the reason behind your tears again, only wanting to bring you and his daughter joy.

Seeing Sunghoon run around the park, chasing after the rambunctious three year old, it felt like repeating history. This scene was one you had seen before, before you had convinced him with your one chance that you really did love him, that you would not leave him, and that you were serious about him. This time however, the roles were reversed, he tried his best to convince you that he loved you and Sohee, that he would not leave you and Sohee, and that he was serious about being with you and around Sohee. He seemed to be taking what you told him to heart, everything about how he would never see you or Sohee again was nothing but talk, you did not have the heart to separate that man from her, especially if he truly wanted to see her. You were just as lovesick as he was, the only difference being you had another person to prioritize, putting what was best for Sohee before what was best for yourself. Honestly, you felt like this was what was best for her, being around her father, her father being in her life, Sunghoon and yourself being a happy couple she could proudly call her parents.

A laugh slipped from your lips as Sunghoon fell while chasing the toddler, he tripped over something, dramatically crying out as Sohee jumped on top of him. The two were playing like nothing happened the weeks prior, like Sunghoon had not iced you out for over a week, like Sunghoon had not run off the moment Sohee called him what he was to her, like none of it had happened. You wish you could forget things as easily as she did. Someone might do her wrong, she pouts for a day or so, then it is like nothing ever happened. You were unsure whether she was just forgetting, or maybe if she was forgiving, but either way you wished your heart was as simple to work as hers was. Maybe then your brain would not keep sending you various thoughts of him doing it again, of him working his way into your lives just to ditch you once more. You would rather lose him before he found his way into every aspect of your life, than to start the whole coparenting thing, just for him to decide he did not really want this at all. 

It has officially been a month since Sunghoon’s fear took him over and he ran out. During the past three weeks, he has tried his best to prove to you that he is serious. Yet, despite his actions, part of you still fears him doing it again. You hurt him so badly when you left, you ruined his career without even knowing it, so part of your brain thinks he will want revenge, he will want to hurt you worse than you did him. Even after all these months, the fear still courses through your veins, the idea of how easily he could destroy you if he so desired. During this time of rebuilding, Sunghoon had done nothing to show he would, there was no hesitation or second thoughts, but that did not prevent the thoughts from clouding your mind, how easily he could leave once more. How easily he could destroy the little bit of happiness you had built up. How easily he could hurt you in the worst way, through hurting little Sohee. 

Sohee seemed to have none of these fears, instead happily playing with Sunghoon as though nothing had happened. Even the other mothers at the park had taken notice of the extremely attractive man playing with his daughter. Throughout the day, you spent your time passively agreeing and listening to the mothers speak. Some commenting how his little girl looks just like him, a resemblance that even you could only just agree about. Others commented on how happily he seemed to be playing with his little girl, adding snarky remarks about how their own husbands would rather play video games than with their children. The last most common remark of all, was how he seemed to be such a great dad, how he had a great relationship with his daughter, and how they wish their husband was like that. Those comments hurt the most, not because people thought you were married to him, but because that relationship was hanging in the balance, just stuck on a frayed thread, easily able to be cut down. He might play the role of model father in this moment, but only one more mistake on his part, and there would no longer be a father in Sohee’s life, he would no longer be a fixture in his daughter’s life, and you would feel no remorse removing him from your own life. 

It was not long before you heard the sound of a squeal, Sohee running straight towards you as she always did when she was ready to leave the park. At some point you could only guess she had talked Sunghoon into chasing her, since as you looked up the lanky figure was trying his best to get up from the slide, the one Sohee had probably run from moments prior. Sohee was quick to climb into your lap, her little arms wrapping around your neck the best they could, as she hugged you, the two of you watching as Sunghoon finally made his way over from the jungle gym to where you sat. “Ice cream please?” Sohee’s voice was quick to ask, once Sunghoon was within earshot of where you two sat. The pouting look on Sohee’s face let you know she was going to get it even if you told her no. One thing you learned quickly was that Sunghoon had no resolve when it came to telling her no. All Sohee would do is look at him with her wide eyes and her pouty lips, and he would fold faster than a folding chair.

 “After you eat lunch, okay honey.” Sunghoon was quick to reply, as he finally made his way to the bench you were sitting on, having had to walk halfway across the park from where Sohee had run away from him. 

Looking up at his words, it was odd, he usually was the first to say yes and of course, so his reply took you by surprise. Nodding your head, you were quick to agree with his words, as Sohee looked up at you, wanting a different answer. “After lunch.” You confirmed, watching as Sunghoon picked up the pouting toddler, before extending his own hand towards you. Taking it, he helped you to your feet. Despite all the thoughts running through your mind, as your fingers intertwined with his, you felt like it was where you belonged, where you should be, and where you should stay. 

Your hands were quick to start hanging between the two of you, Sunghoon simply tugging on yours to pull you closer, before his hand found its way around your waist. It was moments like this that made you want to forget it all, forget how he ran out on you and on Sohee, forget how he got overwhelmed and freaked out the moment Sohee had called him dad. The sweet moments like walking through the park, Sohee on Sunghoon’s hip, and his arm around your waist almost made it worth risking, risking it all, just to keep this happiness and joy within your soul permanently. 

Venturing into the fairgrounds, it was like deja vu. Six years ago, Sunghoon and yourself were sent to the same fair to get closer. Now you were together, you had a three year old, you were in college, and so many other things. It seemed like a full circle moment to be honest. Things between the two of you started at a fair, and with how things were going, you felt things as a family were to start at this fair as well. Sunghoon had worked for months to make sure you felt he was not going to leave, doing anything and everything for Sohee and yourself. Honestly, you felt like you would have immediately given in and fully taken him back months ago, but for the sake of Sohee, you held out. 

The scene was reminiscent of that day all those years ago. Sunghoon clutched onto your hand as he dragged you around the carnival, one hand in yours, while the other hand carried your daughter. Hearing the excited chatter between the two of them, you were unsure whether it was Sohee or Sunghoon that seemed more excited about the plethora of rides and games abound. Sohee was happily telling Sunghoon all about the pretty horses she could see on the carousel, he interestedly listening and responding, as she explained to him which color of horse she wanted to ride, even going as far as to rank the horses on their colors. Due to her excitement, you could tell that was directly where he was leading the two of you too. 

Luckily Sunghoon had the premonition to come to the carnival early, meaning there were few people around, allowing there to be no wait time for many of the rides. As the two of them joined the short line that waited for the ride to finish, you took a seat on a nearby bench. Quickly your phone was pulled out, you taking a few photos of the two of them waiting in line. Sohee was talking animatedly, pointing to the horses as she spoke, while Sunghoon gazed down at her, hanging onto each and every word he said. The look he stared at her with was one you recognized, it was one that he looked at you with, looking down at you as though you were his whole world. Which, honestly, to him Sohee and yourself were his whole entire world. Despite the tumultuous relationship the two of you had, he was unsure of what he would do with himself if he woke up one day and you were gone. He was unable to move on after your short lived high school relationship, and he was sure as hell that he would never move on if anything happened to Sohee or you. 

The photo was quickly sent to your group chat, your friends immediately fawning over the sweet photo of Sohee and her father. As they sent various texts, you noticed that the line had started to move, as Sunghoon climbed onto the ride, quickly going to the horse that Sohee had expressed the most interest in being on. Photos were taken as he stood by her, holding her as she sat on the horse, the child ecstatic about where she was, what she was doing, and who she was with. Sending the photos, you even quickly took a small video, Sohee clapping in excitement as the ride started to go around. The group chat was reacting as you expected, the common messages calling their niece adorable, saying send more photos and all. As you went to turn your phone off for the moment, one message caught your attention, it was from a newly added member to the Sohee’s Aunties and Uncles group chat, Jake. Softly laughing as you read his message, ‘if he ever leaves you and Sohee again I’m gonna fuck him up’, before he quickly sent another, ‘i would commit arson to see that smile’, ‘she’s too precious’, closing your phone for the moment, you ignored the plethora of messages, probably trying to talk Jake out of commiting arson. 

Standing up as you heard the ride come to a stop, you found yourself waiting for the two as Sunghoon exited the ride, Sohee upon his hip once more. Listening as Sohee excitedly chatter about the ride, how much fun it was, how much she loves the carnival, and how much she loves the horses, the three of you found yourself just walking around the carnival grounds. Walking around, trying to find more of the child safe rides for little Sohee, you found yourself in front of the inflatables, which Sunghoon quickly agreed to accompany Sohee on. Despite how much you loved her and would give her everything she wanted, Sunghoon was even worse. He may have not officially been her father for very long, but you could tell she was soon going to turn into a daddy’s girl, since he would do anything to make her happy. Watching as his lanky figure crawled into the inflatable obstacle course, you brought your phone out, filming as he followed Sohee through, helping her in the parts she needed assistance in, while just following her throughout the rest. 

As Sohee bounced around the bounce house at the end, Sunghoon stood outside of the inflatable house, attempting to catch his breath after having chased Sohee around for about ten minutes. Sending the video to your friends, it did not take long for you to hear a voice, an elderly female carnival worker, sitting at one of the information booths nearby. “What a cute couple,” She started, before seeing the little long haired girl climbing out of the bounce house, hastily running up to Sunghoon for him to pick her up. “And what an adorable little girl.” She added. This gave you an odd sense of deja vu, reminding you of the first moment Sunghoon and yourself had been referenced as a couple, at the carnival all those years ago. Yet at that time, you were not one, nodding your head at her compliment, you went to join the two of them, knowing that this time you were, you happily were.

Leaving the inflatables, you were in front of a food stand before you knew it. Sohee tugged at your sleeve before tugging at Sunghoon’s hand, the small child begging for cotton candy, to your surprise, you listened when Sunghoon told her she needed to eat real food before candy. The three of you soon sat at a table, Sohee sitting in Sunghoon’s lap, as you sat across from them. Food from one of the food stands on the table in front of you, the three of you enjoying the food, before Sohee got the one item that she said would change her life, the large cotton candy stick with a bulb of candy bigger than her head. 

Watching as Sunghoon assisted her in eating it, you were unable to stop the feeling of warmth that was taking over, radiating out from your heart into your limbs. The warmth taking over your being, the joy from seeing the two of them, just made you feel so happy. Only a year ago you would have gone at everything alone, knowing that one parent was all Sohee would ever have. But the time changes so fast, everything can change in a blink of an eye, and before you knew it, you were back home and no longer going at it alone. Sohee was finally getting the happy family she deserved all these years, with a caring set of parents. Despite your initial reservations about fully introducing Sunghoon as her dad, he was quick to prove that your trust in him was well founded, and that he was going to be there not only for her, but also for you. It was a lovely feeling, the joy of being a full proper little family. Yet, the only downside was the feeling in your heart that you robbed Sohee of this for three years, all those years you spent abroad, thinking it was for the best, but now knowing it was not.

Sunghoon had just barely cleared the table and cleaned Sohee’s face of the sugary treat, when she was bouncing around once more, tugging at his sleeve, expressing her desire to go on other rides. This was how you found yourself sitting in the carriage of the ferris wheel, Sohee sitting in between yourself and Sunghoon, watching as the ride went higher and higher up into the air. The view was stunning, the only thing you wished was that it was night instead of early afternoon, that way it would be even more gorgeous. Staring out at the skyline, Sohee was enamored, watching as everything got bigger, then smaller, then soon you were on the ground once more. Hand intertwined with Sunghoon’s, as he picked her up, his hand pulled you close, before moving from your own hand, to wrap around your waist. “If the carnival is still in town next time we have a date night, I’m bringing you, so we can have that cute picturesque kiss atop the ferris wheel, while surrounded by the night lights.” Sunghoon softly whispered into your ear, before whisking you away to another game.

The scene was reminiscent of your first carnival with him all those years ago, except instead of you having your sights set on a specific stuffed animal, instead Sohee had decided her grey bunny needed a friend, specifically a light brown bunny hanging up at one of the stalls. Watching him as Sohee was on your hip as you held her, allowing her to watch Sunghoon’s attempts at winning her the toy. It felt like what the scene all those years ago must have felt like, he watched as you struggled to win, only to win it for you, the only difference this time being that he was winning it for your daughter, not for yourself. Sohee clapped as Sunghoon finally won, only taking five attempts before he did the unthinkable, actually winning at the somewhat rigged carnival game. A smile was automatically upon your face, as Sunghoon took Sohee from you with ease, giving her the item of her desire, watching the small child’s face lighten up, before clinging to her father’s neck in joy. 

The day continued on until the early evening, once the salary men started to flood the carnival with their families and children, you decided it was best to end things then, rather than staying and possibly getting lost in the ever growing crowd. Starting to make your way out of the carnival grounds, your hand stayed clutched within his, as he carried Sohee. Sunghoon leads you through the crowds of people, making sure to ensure that the two of you never get separated at any point. Before long, the two of you were buckling Sohee into the car seat within Sunghoon’s car, he had bought one once he decided he was in it for life, once he decided the two of you were his forever, and he would never want that to change.

Before you knew it, Sunghoon was carrying a sleeping Sohee up to his apartment, making sure not to wake the sleeping child, before laying her onto his sofa and placing a blanket on her. Sitting in his lap, the two of you relaxed in the recliner, just watching your sweet little girl sleep. The two of you sat, silent, just completely enamored with the small child, knowing that no matter what might come, you had one another, you had each other, and that was all you needed. Soon, you felt his lips against yours, the kiss felt of nothing more than joy and love. As he pulled away attempting to kiss your forehead, you instead grabbed his face, moving it right back to where it was moments prior, kissing him this time.

Feeling your lips against his, Sunghoon could only feel the joy from the action, no matter how simple the motion may be, each time your lips met his it was like his heart was doing backflips, his soul was singing praises, and his brain was going into overdrive. “If you do that one more time I don’t think I’ll be able to control myself.” He muttered, once the two of you finally broke apart, earning a soft laugh from yourself, before you leaned up, reconnecting your lips to his once more. 

As your lips met his, you smiled into the kiss, feeling his arms finally wrapping around your waist, trying to erase any space that there was between the two of you. This time you were the first to separate the kiss, moving away from him, smiling as he responded by pecking your nose before pecking your forehead, causing another laugh to slip from your lips. “I think we both know what happened last time you couldn’t control yourself.” You jokingly said to him, eliciting a laugh from him this time.

“Hey, maybe she’d like a sibling,” Sunghoon was quick to add, his eyes casting over to where Sohee laid, sleeping peacefully on the sofa of Sunghoon’s apartment. With a soft laugh, your lips found themselves pressed against his once more, the slower this time, sweeter, the love easily flowing through the contact of your lips. “I guess I’m finally out of the dog house?” He softly asked, enjoying the joy that came from laying together with you, like all was right in the world, which all was, since you were his world.

Sitting up, you gave him a look of thought, thinking about his words, deciding whether he had actually earned the right to unlimited access to yourself and Sohee once more. “Thin ice.” You said after a moment. “But, I don’t think it’s gonna break any time soon.” You told him, knowing that he may have not fully earned your trust back, but he was as close to having fully earned it back as one could be, and you knew that he would not stop. He was unconditionally and irrevocably in love with you and your daughter, and you knew that he would not do anything to hurt you again.

Nodding his head, he simply pecked your forehead, pulling you against his chest once more. “I’ll take it.” He said, before kissing the top of your forehead. “And I’ll never stop proving it to you.” 

Laying against his chest, you felt his arms wrapping around you, feeling safe within his arms, you felt safe with him owning your heart, since he had worked to prove to you that it was the right move. A move you knew that you would not come to regret in the upcoming years, finally giving sweet little Sohee the family she deserved, and yourself the love that you deserved. 

[luizd3ad]

Music Notes | Barty Crouch Jr x Reader

ᶻ 𝗓 𐰁 ࣪˖⤷ .𖥔 ݁ ˖ ࣪ ᶻ 𝗓 𐰁 ˖ ⤷

Pairing: Rockstar!Barty x GN!Rockstar!Reader WC: 3,471 CW:  Soulmate AU, Rockstar AU, 2010's AU, use of Y/N, mentions of anxiety, swearing Author's Note: This is one of those fics where I'm my own target audience but if you read this I really hope you like it. Also I feel like Pandora get kinda out of character at the end but I just idk I felt like it was necessary. Summary: You meat your soulmate during the best summer of your life.

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Everyone is born with a symbol of something that you and your soulmate(s) will have in common along with their initials, and when you look into their eyes for the first time your soulmark is supposed to tingle. 

The symbol could be literally anything, it could be related to your career, a hobie, a passion or in your case all the above. For as long as you could remember you've had a music note and the initials BCJ on your wrist.

But for the longest time you were confused by your soulmark, you weren't really interested in music. I mean you liked listening to it as much as the next person but not enough to make it your soulmark.

That was until you were twelve and you met Jade. She was just so outgoing and bubbly, she made friends easily, she'd walk into a room and demand attention without even trying and she soon started showing you all these bands and artists you'd never heard of. Jade changed everything for you, she showed you a side of music you didn't know existed. And all of a sudden, you were hooked.

You became so inthralled by the music that the initial next to the note paled in comparison, you hardly thought about your soulmate because as far as you were concerned music was your soulmate. 

When you were fourteen Jade introduced you to Sammy. Sammy was a pretty shy, and quiet kid but once he was comfortable he'd talk your ear off for hours. That's how he continued to expand your love for music. Not only did he tell you about more bands and artists that ranged outside of the emo, pop punk scene, but he showed you shows, concerts. 

You, Jade and Sammy would go to any show you could. House shows, backyard gigs, if there was a guitar riff and a mosh pit the three of you were there. And that's how you met Pink.

Now Pink’s real name was Floyd but he liked being called Pink. Which you always thought was funny considering he was the strong, silent type, so the name completely contradicted his personality but he liked David Bowie so who were you to judge? Pink was your tipping point. He was a beast on the drums, you and Sammy would sit there and listen to him play all day. Which somehow led to Pink convincing your little group that you guys could make a band, a killer band at that.

And surprisingly he wasnt fucking wrong thus ‘Fighting Pixies’ was born.

C. Summer of 2012

It was the first day of Warped Tour and you couldn't be more excited. You were so excited that you didn't even care that you were in some random arena parking lot sweating your ass off in Utah. 

Not only was this Fighting Pixies first year playing Warped Tour but you were on a main stage you were going to be playing on the same stage as the bands you grew up listening to. To say the feeling was surreal would be an understatement. This is what you, Jade, Sammy and Pink have been working towards for years, you guys were finally playing the festival that you would go to every summer. 

Walking out of the bus you started making your way to the catering tent by yourself since the rest of the band left you behind because you were apparently in Pinks’ words ‘taking too goddamn long’. You roll your eyes at his words thinking how it's bullshit that they could just leave you like that, when all the sudden you collide with someone. 

“Oh shit I'm so sorry dude.”

“You alright mate?”

You and the mystery person that you just basically assaulted said at the same time. Finally after gaining your balance you look at your victim. 

“Siri?” You say raising your eyebrow when he finally looks your way with a big smile on his face.

“Oh shit Y/N! How are you? I havent seen you in fucking ages!” Sirius yells while bringing you into a hug, you hug him back laughing then pulling away.

“I've been good. I haven't seen you since you, Rem and James came to one of our shows. Is he here?” You ask, looking around hoping to catch sight of Remus.

“No not yet, he's back home with Reg, Lily and Harry. But they'll be joining us for the last few shows.”

You couldn't help but let out a little laugh. “Baby's first Warped Tour? I like it, gotta start them young.”

Sirius laughed at you, the two of you then continued on your way to the catering tent. Luckily with no further incidents.

You and the rest of Fighting Pixies met Sirius a few years ago when he collabed on a song with you guys, you also had gotten to meet James a few times during the recording process. You hadn't met the rest of ‘Beyond London’ yet, but James had made it very clear that you and their bassist, Pandora, would become fast friends. 

But you hadn’t heard much about their guitarist, Barty, except in passing from mutual friends. Sirius would complain about him sometimes but in typical lead singer fashion Sirius had a tendency to be dramatic so you never really took anything he said about Barty to heart.

Eventually you and Sirius got to the catering tent. You found your band, James and a girl you recognized as Pandora sitting at a table together. 

“Well if it isn't the second best drummer on Warped Tour.” You say with a teasing smile sitting across from James. James just laughs and shakes his head. While pink has a small smug look on his face. 

“What? So Pink’s the best drummer on tour?” James raises his eyebrow at you with a goofy smile still on his face. 

You laugh and shake your head. “No, not even close, Angelo is clearly the best drummer here. Have you heard Motionless in White’s breakdowns?” Pink then glared at you while scoffing. What? Someone has to bring his ego down.

After a few hours of making fun of each other, hanging out, watching a few bands sets and getting to know Pandora (who is literally the sweetest person ever) you and the rest of your band had to go back to the bus to get ready for your set in a few hours.

You got to get into the shower after Jade so after your shower and skin routine you walked out into the common area plopping down at the table so you could start to get your hair and other things done. 

“Dude when you were in the bathroom Sirius came over and brought Barty, dudes funny. You missed out.” Sammy said, sitting down next to you eating a bowl of cereal.

“Damn. Well I have a whole summer to run into him at some point.” You shrug, getting all your stuff out to get ready.

You actually really wanted to meet Barty based on what little you had heard about him over the years, the fact that he was one hell of a guitarist, and you'd never admit this to anymore but you were really attracted to him. Based purely off the pictures you've seen of him.

You had a lot of respect for him as a musician, you could recognize the emotions that he put into each riff, solo, hell just a strum and you could tell what he was feeling.

A part of you found it frustrating that after all these years of knowing Sirius and James you had always seemed to miss Barty, sometimes by literal minutes.

The rest of your band had met him in passing, never more than a ‘hi’ or ‘hey’ but still they've met him. 

So you couldn't help but be a little frustrated at the fact that for one of the only times that day where you weren't around your band they actually got to hang out with him. You don't know why it bothered you so much, I mean you couldn't even be upset with anyone in particular. It's literally no one's fault. So why did it bother you so much?

Eventually you and the rest of Fighting Pixies found yourselves waiting backstage to go on when you felt a tap on your shoulder. You turned to see your new favorite blond girl. 

“Hi Pandora. What's up?”

“Hi. I just came to watch the beginning of your set. I won't be able to stay long, by the time you lot get off we'll have just started our set.” Pandora explains with her signature tooth rotting smile. 

“Aw thanks, I was actually planning on heading to your guys' set when we're done here.”

“Yes, you should!” Pandora stood up straighter with a sense of excitement and urgency about something you didn't understand, but you just thought that it was Pandora being Pandora. 

You had heard over the years that she would do or say things that didn't make much sense to really anyone so you chose to just brush it off.

“Oh I also wanted to give you theses.” Pandora says while handing you two rocks.

You take the rocks confused with a raised eyebrow. “Thanks, but what are they?”

“The orange one is citrine and the pink one is rose quartz. They're meant to bring you good luck, just put them in your pocket and they'll do their job.” Pandora says with a knowing type of smile, that once again confused you but you just nodded and put them in your pocket choosing not to question the blond.

“Y/N come on, it's time to go.” One of the stage hands says passing you your guitar. You just nodded, putting the strap over your head.

“Well I hope you like our set and I'll see you at yours.” You chuckled a little as she just nodded.

You would think after all of these years of doing this you'd be used to it at this point. That you would be used to being on stage, that the anxiety of fucking up would be gone but it didn’t go away, lessened yeah but not gone. 

You also never really get used to people singing lyrics that you wrote or helped write, especially when the words were sentimental to you at one point, but it was kind of nice to know that those words are sentimental to others now too.

You wouldn't trade this for the world. You were lucky and you knew that, so many people would kill for this chance so you didn't take it for granted.

Thirty minutes later you and your band mates were running off stage sweaty and high off adrenaline with big smiles on your faces’ your first show at your first warped tour was beyond amazing it was fucking perfect you were convinced nothing could top this feeling.

You started to make your way to Beyond London’s set. The rest of the band had other sets or people that they wanted to see so you went your separate ways for the time being. 

Eventually you made it to the stage Beyond London was playing at. You had stopped a few times to talk to people and take pictures but luckily not too many people stopped you so you made it when they started to play their last song.

After all the years you had known Sirius and James you had never actually got the chance to see them play. To say they were amazing felt like the understatement of the century. 

James looked like he was in his element on the drums, Pandora was so focused on her bass but that didn't stop her from swinging herself around, Sirius had basically every person either swooning because of his looks or crying because of how beautiful his voice was and then there was Barty. 

Just the sight of him alone made your heart skip a beat, you had never seen such raw emotion while someone played the guitar. Once your eyes landed on him you couldn't, you wouldn't, look away. The way he moved, how he would throw his head back every so often, sometimes you could see his jaw clench, you could tell he put his all into the music. You had never seen something so amazing. So perfect.

The song ended and they all started to make their way to the side of the stage you were on, Barty sayed a little longer then his band mates throwing things like his picks and set lists into the crowd. 

You were brought into a bear hug and spun around by a very sweaty Sirius. You shrieked and tried to push yourself away from him to no avail.

“Sirius Black if you don't put me down right now I'll make sure you never play another show again!” You screamed threatened while continuing your best efforts to get away from your sweaty attacker. Suddenly you hear a gasp and you're put down very quickly, almost falling while Sirius scoffs and mutters something about ‘Some people’. 

Pandora came to your rescue making sure you’re okay. You were about to scold Sirius for almost making you fall, but he was already out of sight. Pandora turned you around to have you look at her. 

You looked at her very surprised with your eyebrows raised. “What is up with the manhandling right now?” you laugh slightly awkwardly. 

“Do you still have the crystals I gave you?” Pandora asks with a serious face completely ignoring your question. 

You furrowed your brows and nodded still very confused. “Considering you gave them to me a little over an hour ago, yes. I know we don't know each other very well but have some faith in me Pandora.” You once again laughed a little trying to ease the little tension that seemed to form.

Pandora just smiled at you and hugged you and whispered. “I'm so happy for you two.”

You pulled away and looked at her once again beyond confused. “What-”

You were then interrupted by James yelling over to you. “Y/N, come meet Barty, finally.” Pandora kept smiling at you and then she just nodded at you encouragingly. For what felt like the hundredth time that day Pandora confused you and you once again just chalked it up to Pandora being Pandora.

While making your way over to the three men that stood in a little circle probably talking about the show that they just put on, you were hit with a sudden wave of anxiety. 

Why were you anxious? You had been fine (other than the major confusion you went through with Pandora)  so why does it feel like your heart is going a mile a minute.

Sirius and James are facing you while Barty’s back is towards you. As soon as you're in arms length Sirius wraps his arm around your shoulder pulling you close to him.

“Barty, this is Y/N. Y/N, Barty.” James says motioning between you two.

“Hi, it's nice to finally-” You cut yourself off when you looked into his eyes, feeling a tingle on your writs.

Your whole life you've heard stories about what meeting your soulmate felt like. How all of a sudden everything seemed less important. How you would only want to focus on that person. How you'd feel like you had a new meaning to life. Honestly you thought it was all bullshit. 

But now you knew that, that was all an understatement. 

You finally felt like you were home, like everything would be okay. It felt like breathing for the first time. 

You could play a million more shows, meet your idols, win a fucking Grammy and nothing would compare to what you were feeling when you met his eyes. And based on the look on his face, Barty felt the same way.

“Hi.” You whispered still in a shocked state.

“Hi, angel.” Barty said softly with a love sick look on his face, your heart skips a beat at the nickname and you can't help but smile. He suddenly moved his eyes to Sirius and glared at him. “You'll move your arm if you know what's good for you, Black.” 

Sirius moved his arm away from around you and put his hands up in surrender, you actually forgot Sirius and James were there let alone that Sirius had an arm wrapped around you.

You hadn't thought about your soulmate in years. You didn't ever think you'd meet them, and a part of you didn't really care if you did honestly. As long as you had your music and friends you were fine, that's what you thought at least. It was crazy how in one moment that whole mindset could change.

Now you couldn't imagine a life without Barty. You didn't want to imagine a life without him. 

For so long music was your number one priority, you didn't care about much else but now this person that you just met became your number one. It felt insane and crazy but you couldn't help it and a big part of you loved it. 

You and Barty found yourselves sitting in Beyond London's tour bus talking during the almost eight hour drive from Salt Lake City to Denver. You two just talked about your lives, childhoods, things you loved, things you hated, everything. 

He told you about his Father who you now hated almost as much as Barty. Barty had the biggest smile on his face when you told him how you felt about his father in extreme detail after the stories he told you.

Eventually you both noticed the buses pulling into a new arena parking lot while the sun was rising. Both of you knew you had to go back to your bus now, you had sets and meet and greets later that day. You needed some kind of energy. 

Barty with a cheeky smile insisted that you just join him in his bunk, you just responded with an eye roll and a ‘You wish’ which earned you a ‘You have no idea’.

Barty ended up walking you to your bus, you and him stood outside of the bus talking and stalling, not wanting to leave each other yet.

“Barty, I have to go. We need to get some sleep.” You were looking down at your hands together knowing one you needed to let go but not wanting to.

“I know angel, I know.” He gave you a sad smile as if he would never see you again. 

Barty was often scared that all of this was just a dream. That one day he would wake up back in his fathers clutches and his life as a rockstar was just a dream, it always scared him. But now in his mind it wasn't only his life as a rockstar at stake but you and that now terrified him. He had admitted this to you while you were talking that night so you didn't blame him for being hesitant. You just hugged him trying to reassure him.

“You can come over when you wake up Barty. Don't hesitate, I don't care if I'm awake or asleep. I just know that if you stay we're not gonna get any sleep.” Barty pulls away from you with a smirk and raised eyebrows, you just hit his chest and roll your eyes. “Not like that. I just mean we'll stay up talking.”

He just laughs and kisses your forehead. “I know what you meant, angel, just like teasing you is all.” He pulls you against him resting his chin on your head. “Is it bad to say I'll miss you? Even if I know it's just a few hours.”

“It's not bad because I'll miss you too.” You whisper against him. 

After a moment he pulls away again looking down at you he moves his hand to hold the side of your face, cressing you cheek with his thumb. You leaned into his touch with a small smile on your face looking up at him.

“You are now the most important thing in my life now, my angel.” He's looking deep into your eyes, not a hint of lies or regret in his words.

Barty started to lean down with a sense of hesitation, you just nodded and smiled at him letting him know it was okay. You could feel butterflies in your stomach while your heart started to race. The moment your lips touched you felt electricity run through your veins. You never experienced such an amazing feeling, you were two puzzle pieces finally coming together. You already knew Barty was your everything but that kiss solidified it. It made it real in the best way possible, you knew you couldn't ask for a better soulmate.

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[falling-star-cygnus]

saw a comparison between Bennett and Aventurine and how they were both burdened by their luck and felt compelled to write them meeting -> note: im not really that far or that in to Star Rail. So if Aventurine's characterization is off, i do sincerely apologize

takes place after meeting Sparkle :D {and if it's obvious im bullshitting in some places, no it's not <3} pry Lichtenburg Bennett out of my bony dead hands

{An ornate chip sparkles in the dazzling lamplights as it's flipped high in the air}

{It lands in the palm of an irate blond, one that smiles as he strolls along the pathways of the deserted night. The chip repeats it's flight.}

"That crazed Fool..."

{Aventurine's nose scrunches despite his efforts to keep an elated face. It's not like anyone's around to see him, but- still. The first step to living a lie is to fool yourself first. The chip is weighing heavy in his palm, so he flicks it up again.}

{And again. And again. And again. Sparkle's words echo in his head.}

"- are you from Sigonia?" "I say you belong to the space under the manhole cover, not in a dream." "...the lapdogs of the IPC."

{Lapdog.}

{The next few moments feel wrapped in honey, sticky sugar thickening his mind to a snail's crawl. His fingers brush a blackened code on his neck, a sigh breezing out a clenched jaw}

{For the first time, the chip lands wrong in his hand. It's pinched between the junction of his pinkie and palm, rocketed to the side as Aventurine's fist clenches}

"Ack-!"

{...}

{Who was that?}

{Aventurine hadn't made that sound.}

{Slowly, like his head was moved by marionette strings, he turns his gaze to the side. The sight of a boy with ashy blond curls greets him.}

{He's clutching his nose in one hand, the chip Aventurine had accidentally shot at him [seriously- what are the odds?] nestled in the other.}

"Ow... where did that come from? I almost wish it was a rock."

{The older man shakes himself out of his daze, quickly but casually making his way over. This boy was young- or at least looked and sounded young- so... a gentler persona should be the ideal approach}

{Fuck if he knew how to approach kids though.}

"Hey there! So sorry about that, it slipped from my hand!"

{Bright emeralds snap to attention. It actually gives Aventurine pause, how bright they are. Pure. He would almost believe them unburdened if it wasn't for the snarled scar speared through his bicep and Lichtenburg figures peeking out around his neck}

"No, no- it's ok! I probably shouldn't have been walking so close anyway.. It's just- I'm kind of lost?"

{Aventurine blinks.}

{He wasn't lying of course, for once the chip quite literally slipped from his hand. Which- almost never happens, he'll admit. An unlucky incident that... was kind of thrilling. To be unlucky- not to hit a scar riddled kid in the face.}

{But still, was this new blondie really going to take him at face value? Not even a suspicious side eye? Talk about naivete...}

{And- lost? How do you get lost in a dream. That takes some serious skill...}

{Unless he was lying. Penacony was full of those after all.}

"Sir...?" "I was wondering why I hadn't seen someone like you around here before!"

{The sudden switch from quiet introspection to enthusiasm startles the kid back a step. Minor setback, that was fine. He could still salvage this encounter.}

{He offers his hand to innocent emeralds}

"Lost, huh? That's unfortunate, kid. What's your name?" "Oh- I'm Bennett!"

{Bennett fumbles for a second, going to shake Aventurine's hand with the one still holding the poker chip before switching to the one over his nose.}

{Poor kid pulls that one away too when he sees the speckles of blood on it. Shit, did he really hit him that hard? He knew the chip was heavy but he didn't think it was that heavy.}

{There was already a bandage pressed over his nose too...}

{Aventurine shakes his bloodied hand when he notices the boy growing increasingly distressed. They were both wearing gloves anyway, so it's not like it was a major issue.}

"Well, nice to meet you, Bennett. Even if it's under... unlucky circumstances."

{The older man was hardly ever unlucky. There was a reason he was called Aventurine, damnit. He never lost a game of chance. And he never made a losing bet. Something else was afoot here, he was sure of it.}

{The once white bandages over Bennett's nose slowly gets swallowed by red as the kid gives a weak little laugh}

"I'm pretty notorious for unlucky circumstances, actually. No matter where I go, my bad luck always seems to cause problems for other people..."

{...}

{Aeons, he looked so sad. Aventurine's chest actually hurts a little just looking at the boy. After all, he wasn't the one with a bloody nose. Fake as it was in this dream world.}

"Nonsense, friend. You've hardly caused me any problems. If anything, I owe you an apology for nailing you in the nose."

{Unintentionally.}

{The older man wraps an arm around the kid's shoulder's to steer him towards one of the many shops in Dreamville. They didn't actually have any vendors in them at this time, but they had to at least have one bandage somewhere. Right?}

{Although with Bennett's luck, maybe not.}

"Let's get you a new bandage, yeah?" "Oh-! I have one right here!"

{And lo and behold, he produces a near identical bandage from one of the pouches hanging from his belt. The only difference was the rounded corners.}

{Aventurine plucks the bandage from between Bennett's fingers to apply before the kid can insist on doing it himself}

"You must get hurt a lot to just have this on you, huh?" "Ah, heh. I guess? But that just comes with the territory of being an adventurer! And- with being unlucky too..."

{An adventurer, huh? That explained the scars, at least a little}

{He slowly peels the ruined bandage off Bennett's nose and flicks it off to the side. To his surprise, it doesn't cleanly make it into a trash can. No, the wadded up thing bounces off the side and, for a second, Aventurine resigns himself to having to walk over and pick it up}

{But it does go in- having bounced straight up instead of back at the blond duo- so he won't actually have to pause in treating his new friend's injury. That feeling of anticipation that fluttered in his throat though... was that how normal people felt? Unsure that something would go there way but hoping it would?}

"Woah... that was so cool!" "...It was, wasn't it?"

{For once, Aventurine felt genuine. Like he earned this bout of boasting. He felt... normal around this kid. ...Huh.}

{The older man smooths the new bandage over Bennett's nose, careful with the pressure he applies. The waxy paper slips between his fingers before he can throw the backside away}

{The boy catches it, innocent emeralds widening when it lands secure in atop the poker chip still in his palm}

"Maybe our lucks are rubbing off on each other, Benny." "Ah-! No, I'm sor-"

{Aventurine ruffles Bennett's hair before he can finish}

"Don't apologize, it's a good thing. I happen to have spectacular luck, I'll have you know. It really takes the fun out of winning." "It does?" "Completely."

{Bennett looks thoughtful at that, glancing down at chip in his glove. Innocent emeralds widen again as he shakes the backside of the bandage into his other glove to hold the disc out to Aventurine}

"I never gave you your chip back!"

{The older man reaches for it, but- he doesn't know if he'll ever see this kid again. Hm...}

{He plucks the waxy film out of his other hand, completely ignoring the chip}

"Please, I have hundreds of those. Keep it."

{Bennett sputters, but Aventurine can't see him as he walks to throw the film away}

"I can't take this-! It looks expensive!"

{It certainly can be exchanged for a lot of credits.}

"Think of it as... a memento of our friendship." "But- I didn't give you anything."

{The older man laughs, startling even himself.}

"Give me something next time we meet then, Bennett."

{It isn't until Aventurine is almost out of sight that he realizes he never gave the kid his name.}

{Well. There was always next time.}

[antianakin]

Yo. What are your thoughts on people who unironically claim that - prior to his talk with Yoda - Luke was right about the Jedi Order in TLJ?

There's definitely other people who can probably discuss this more eloquently than I can, but basically the argument I've seen that works the best for me is that the whole point of Luke's journey in TLJ is that he's WRONG. Luke loses himself to his own fear and grief, and that turns him into a bitter, resentful person. And what we often see when people hit that sort of rock bottom point is that they refuse to be truly mindful and self-reflective and instead turn their fear into anger and then lash out at someone else just to have someone to blame that isn't themselves. And, within the context of Star Wars, the Jedi so often end up that scapegoat. There's even a pattern I've pointed out in other posts of Jedi choosing to turn on their own when they lose themselves to darkness (Krell, Barriss, Malicos, even Bode to some degree, and obviously Anakin).

But just because the Jedi often end up scapegoats for other people's failures doesn't actually mean these people are RIGHT to blame the Jedi for the galaxy's woes.

It also would quite honestly just make zero sense if Luke was right because he talks about wanting the Jedi to all die out, he wants there to be NO MORE Jedi at all, and then the end of the film is that Rey goes on to continue being a Jedi and Luke makes the big declaration that he won't be the last Jedi as a triumph over Kylo and the First Order. None of that seems to indicate that Rey continuing to become a Jedi is a BAD THING the way Luke would have thought earlier in the movie. So if Rey becoming a Jedi is a good thing, then it automatically means Luke thinking all the Jedi should die with him was WRONG. This is basic media literacy.

Luke is unkind and cruel and insensitive throughout the entirety of his interactions with Rey. And he is very DELIBERATELY written this way, you're supposed to be sort-of taken aback and cringing away from this version of Luke. This version of Luke is broken and warped from the person we last knew him to be. This is not a kindly master of any kind, so why would we listen to anything he has to say while in this mindset?

One of the other things done in TLJ to really slam home that Luke's perspective on things isn't always trustworthy is the comparison between the two flashbacks to Kylo's turn. Luke and Kylo both have very different versions of that night and so it's implied that we cannot necessarily just take Luke at his word when he says things. Luke is not an inherently trustworthy person anymore. So when he says shit like "The Jedi should die with me" it's said within the context we are being given that Luke is now untrustworthy and consumed with bitterness, so EVERYTHING HE SAYS has to be taken with a bucket of salt.

Luke isn't right about the Jedi, he can't be in order for any part of his story to make any sense and for the ending of the film to be in any way satisfying.

What I WILL say though is that this entire storyline is pure bullshit anyway and executed in the worst way possible. It's written in such a way that it's not hard to see WHY people would jump to the interpretation that Luke was right about the Jedi. I hate that they have Luke saying these things to begin with, I hate that his entire relationship with Rey consists of Luke being an asshole and refusing to teach her anything except how awful the Jedi were when he barely even ever KNEW the Jedi. This feels like a character assassination of Luke for no good reason. Making Luke into a broken hero completely sidelined Rey in her own story and made that entire plot about LUKE'S growth instead of Rey's. So not only is it really jarring and uncomfortable to see Luke as a bitter old man instead of a wise master, it's an absolutely shit writing decision that sidelines the first main female character of a Star Wars movie in order to focus on a man. Making Luke a kind, wise master would have forced the story to focus on REY and REY'S fears and doubts and REY'S growth and development into being a Jedi because Luke has ALREADY HAS HIS FUCKING STORY TOLD AND DOESN'T NEED TO GO THROUGH IT A SECOND TIME.

There's just so much that is badly done about this storyline, so I can't really blame people for reading it as "Luke was right about the Jedi being bad and it's good that Rey is going to be a Jedi only because she's going to be a different KIND of Jedi that is better." It's so so awful and I appreciate that TROS tried to fix it by making ghost!Luke a kindly master who retracts some of his statements about the Jedi when he sees Rey again, but the damage was already done and it was too late. That being said, I do think that despite how badly it's written, the intent is that Luke is WRONG and he is very much an unreliable narrator in TLJ and people don't really pick up on that in their interpretations.

[mdhwrites]

if you've seen Steven universe how would you compare it to TOH? I've seen many takes that TOH is Steven Universe 'done correctly' which drives me up a wall, especially since TOH has a lot of the same flaws as SU (pretty much everyone has to be tied to steven in some way- the same way everyone's gotta tie into Luz, White Diamond pisses me off for the same reason the collector does and dear god both finales are messes and the worldbuilding is also kind of messy) but pretty much everyone can agree that Steven Universe's themes of restorative justice are good, its themes surrounding interpersonal relationships and intergenerational trauma is good- I've seen people justify how TOH handles its villains 2 ways "its doing steven universe's restorative justice but like correctly" or "its about killing your oppressors, which steven should have done" which is dumb. Idk this fandom has a huge hate-boner for SU and Amphibia in general though. I also saw someone have the take the collector and belos where foils which... Is weird I can see where they come from but they never are put together in a way that highlights their similarities and differences. So what are some actual comparisons that can made between the shows outside of LGBT characters and surface level stuff?

Sadly I have not seen Steven Universe so I can't really comment on much of it. I've seen the first episode (both halves), decided the gems were insufferable to me and Steven was okay and went on with my life because at the time, I was a full time college student and a part time Walmart employee. I do like some of the songs that have reached me but I never got an in with the show, especially since my early experience with it was much like Gravity Falls where I heard a lot of high concept stuff about it but not much about why I would actually enjoy a given episode, what was enjoyable about the characters, etc. like that. Honestly, the only criticism I know of for it is that people hate the ending.

BUT.

I have seen one other thing. I have seen about twenty minutes of the Steven Universe movie. With that I can say one thing definitively even if it's not clearing a high bar: The Diamond's turn to good is better than the Collector's because they have literally ANY reason to listen to the person preaching at them. The Collector doesn't. In fact, he has no reason to reform and it is drastically out of character for him to care about... Anyone?

Let me start on the Diamond's side because I don't have a lot to say about this but it is something I'm surprised I haven't heard anyone talk about: They were clearly traumatized by the loss of Pink Diamond. Whether or not you think this is a good part of the plot isn't what matters, the point is that this is a literal fact to the story. This grief has gone unresolved for literal decades (just going by Steven's lifespan, someone in my Discord provided the context that they blamed themselves for her DEATH, not just disappearance, for CENTURIES which only bolsters the point I'm making) and has festered in them a desperation for their old comrade? Friend? I don't 100% know but you get the point. So when her son arrives and can't be kept by force, they're going to be pretty amenable to listen to whatever demands means keeping him around. Is that great? No, I wouldn't say it is as the question of what happens when Steven dies is there but it works for forcing them to consider the consequences of their actions and how they may need to change to have the life they desire. It is a compelling force for the first step of change. It's not amazing but it is at least functional from a narrative standpoint, an emotional standpoint and from a character standpoint. Not that it's great but that it is functional. You can string together how this works without having to just invent bullshit.

The Collector has none of these three because he's the literal fucking worst.

I've talked about this before but the Collector isn't the child the fandom treats him as. Even if we try to disconnect the second season version of the Collector, who very much so knows what death is and the consequences of his actions, S3 Collector does have a foil to Belos: He's an actual colonizing piece of shit. Not in that he is literally colonizing places but in mindset. Everything to him is something to be used for his entertainment or enrichment or it is to be stripped of all rights and brutally oppressed until it fits the role he desires. This is what happens when you become a LITERAL. FUCKING. DOLL. And he even has enforcers like the armies colonies would use that have wildly more powerful magic, i.e. technology, in order to make that oppression more seamless. Remember: Hexside is actively hiding from roaming stars that he just has going around the Isles that hoover up people, making at least those who resist into dolls immediately without question, and then bringing them to him to be new play toys in his game. That is explicitly what he has been doing to the entire Isles for MONTHS once S3 episode 2 happens.

People do not matter to him and this even extends to King. When King steps out of line, The Collector cracks the whip. He's even willing to KILL KING for having the gall of caring about anyone other than him. Those death games would be just as lethal to King as it would be to Eda and Luz after all. And if you actually do divorce S2's "PLAY AMONGST THE BONES!" line (which is fucking awful because you have to remove literally all of the first appearances of a character which is usually considered, you know... Bad) and believe that he doesn't know what death is... He knows what pain is. He knows what torture is. He knows the despair of being trapped in a space where you can't move or act or do anything except watch as an observer on a world that could destroy you at any moment because your prison is all of your being.

And then he makes people into dolls, with consciousness, without a second thought. He is willing to BREAK people in order to make them play along. His literal plan was to shatter the bodies of the Owl House trio over and over and over again until they were subservient to his desires. That is WORSE than just wanting to kill them. And he only stops to throw a tantrum because he fails to succeed and starts whining about it like any selfish asshole not getting his way. Not like a child: Like a selfish asshole.

So with ALL of this, what does the show do to try to make him consider the consequences of his actions? Well... Nothing. It claims it's trying to do something but the tour with the trio is much more a circle jerk about how amazing the show was and how much could have happened if not for the shortening ("That sounds like something that could have been its own spin off!" Or whatever King says to Eda talking about her and Raine's time at Hexside) than it is about talking to the Collector. There's a couple lines here and there, talking to him about what works for making friends but does it stick?

No, the Collector learns nothing and in mocking Steven Universe, they make that clear. The Collector is told that people are complex and you must show compassion. Rather than actually believing this, he uses it like a blunt hammer, just like all of his other solutions, to make a problem of his go away. That's why he hugs Belos and assumes it will work. He is not considering the complexity of humanity or the person he is applying this to. It is just to solve a problem so he'll get praised and go back to playing his games. Nothing. More.

And then he fucks off instead of fixing the damage he'd done because why would he stay? Why would he help? He hasn't learned anything and he doesn't want to help these people. He has NO motivation for why he helps save the Archive except otherwise he loses his sweet crash pad. So afterwards? He's gonna go somewhere where he can be himself and not be scolded for it because this toy is no longer fun.

Edit: He does stay to change everyone back from dolls. That much more falls into the "It's the ending, we have to have the problem only he can fix be fixed by him" despite the fact that he is responsible for so much more destruction that would theoretically be pretty easy for him to fix as well. He only does what is demanded of him for the sake of a happy ending, not because of character motivation, not from how I see it at least.

The most condemning part of this is that it's all around Luz. All around someone he doesn't like. He sees Luz as trying to take away his only friend after all and, you know, he is correct about that. They don't even try to hide that fact during the tour. They're still clearly upset with him and not even trying to be his friend, they're just lecturing him. It doesn't work from a character perspective, a narrative perspective or an emotional one. King MIGHT have with better writing, there's a reason I always wanted the Collector redeemed by one of his games forcing him to have to kill King by the rules he made before breaking it and having to face how that's unfair and cruel to others since they wouldn't get that leniency, but that's not how the show plays it. King is an unwilling servant for one episode and then VERY against the Collector in the next until after the death games. When he first shows up, King isn't trying to mediate, he is ready to fight just like the other two. He's not the Collector's friend and he never was so why would the Collector bother listening to him?

That is why me saying the Diamonds, even with my limited knowledge, works better than the Collector is almost literally the worst you can do when it comes to something like this. All the setup is wrong, the catalyst requires explicit retcons and don't work with the character and the payoff is... Nothing. Literally nothing. The only way to have done it worse is to have had everyone praise the Collector before he then stabbed Amity and no one acted like that was a problem. It can only function because we are TOLD he's redeemed even if he never shows it.

Andrias standing alone as a farmer, accepting the punishment for his actions and trying to make better on them, is such better payoff to a redemption arc than anything the Collector gets and his redemption was in character and setup by his past. So then let's get to one of your last points: Why is it that the TOH fandom rags on SU and Amphibia so much, especially for their endings, when theirs is such shit?

Well... Because that's the reputation of TOH. That it is the 'good' one. That it is better than almost all other media. The show itself, with moments like the Collector mocking the SU ending by hugging Belos, reinforces this. As such, for you to criticize TOH as failing in a department that other shows are not rapturously praised for is to fall out of sync with the show itself. As such, all other works must be placed beneath it, especially if those are widely believed to have a flaw in an element to then raise TOH up with. This is part of why so many people want to say the Amphibia ending is wrong because the Amphibia ending is brave and controversial and saying something while the TOH ending?

I mean... Do you really think the Collector's the only part of it objectively flawed like this? Because if a major redemption for your big bad is botched this badly, you can bet other problems exist. I've talked about them at length. But there are probably people out there who would call me the Lily Orchard of TOH if I was better known.

See you next tale.

======+++++======

That last line isn't an endorsement of Lily Orchard btw, just that I have to imagine it's the label I would be given. What little exposure I've had to her works is... YIKES. Just fucking yikes. My Discord has really enjoyed every time I've live reacted to a video of hers they've posted there. sigh

I have a public Discord for any and all who want to join!

I also have an Amazon page for all of my original works in various forms of character focused romances from cute, teenage romance to erotica series of my past. I have an Ao3 for my fanfiction projects as well if that catches your fancy instead. If you want to hang out with me, I stream from time to time and love to chat with chat.

A Twitter you can follow too

And a Kofi if you like what I do and want to help out with the fact that disability doesn’t pay much.