#some sort of calmness

[justfriendsbestthings]

So how is everyone doing on a scale from 1 to AAAHHHH? Just curious

[bruqh]

after ep 11 and the marriage contract reveal and seeing a lot of speculation that they are a god of anarchy (already v connected to figs character) i rewatched the scene between her and porter and zara talking about where she gets her powers from fig says about kristen (and cass) “she’s doubt, im rebellion, they go hand in hand” and brennan lays it on thickkk about fig pledging herself to rebellion would also make kristen (and cass) stronger !!!

[catkin-morgs-kookaburralover]

questioning sexuality is so exhausting

[good-beanswrites]

A drabble for an anon asking about the prisoners watching their music videos! This is focused on specifically Mikoto’s initial shock at seeing MeMe for the first time, but just know that Double comes with a whole new set of shocks as he truly listens to John for the first time ;-;

Mikoto was no criminal. 

He didn’t know how to break into locked rooms, or hack into complex prison security systems. He figured there was no way in hell he’d be able to see these so-called incriminating videos that the Warden was recording, and had resolved himself to an eternity of wondering what they could be. He was shocked when he didn’t need to do a single thing to gain access to them – Es simply adjusted the computer monitor and told him he could hit play when (and if) he wished. Then they left the room.

“A-are you sure?” he called, but they were already gone.

Mikoto blinked at the screen. It showed a stretched version of his apartment couch, near his bathroom wall, broken to reveal sky above. He thought he could spot his tarot cards at the bottom of the frame. Had Milgram broken into his home to film this? 

He scoffed, and hit play.

Distorted guitar started up. He flinched as his own face appeared for a moment – looking directly into the camera and making a wild expression he would never have made if someone was recording. His body tensed up more as he heard his own voice start to sing lyrics he’d never spoken before in his life. He wasn’t even a good singer, and here he was sounding like a professional. 

There were plenty of ways to accomplish all of this, of course. Software could mimic one’s voice, making him say anything these crazy reality hosts wanted. A team could easily add some digital effects to a stunt double and match his appearance perfectly. Knowing that didn’t make the experience any less unsettling.

He watched himself commit a nasty murder. He watched himself return home bloodied. But it was all ridiculous. How could Milgram even claim that this was him? He’d never raised a hand to anyone in his life. Were the other prisoners’ videos as outlandish as this one?

But then, a switch. 

The song shifted to a new melody. He appeared to wake up from his couch, and suddenly Mikoto got the sense that this was him.

He was struck with how familiar this new segment sounded. It simultaneously felt like a favorite song he must have played on loop not too long ago, and one that he’d never heard before. As it played, each new note and lyric felt right on the tip of his tongue. 

It ended as quickly as it began. The song returned to the heavy-metal-murder aesthetic it had started with, and once again he felt like he was watching a cheap copy of himself onscreen. He watched another murder, a shower scene (had the warden seen all that? How embarrassing…) and then he turned to his bathroom mirror.

At the same time as his musical counterpart, Mikoto leapt backwards in horror. 

His eyes remained glued to the screen. His hand flew up to grab the lower half of his face. It was fake, he told himself. AI and CGI and all that. It was fake. It had to be. 

Something deep inside of him said “no. That’s real. That’s me.”

Something else deep inside of him echoed the sentiment.

The video was less than four minutes of music, but by the end he was panting and tugging at his hair as if he’d endured hours of prison torture. He burst out of the room. He sucked in breath after breath. The melodies still played in his mind, lines repeating in his memory as he tried to put as much distance between himself and that little television screen.

He found the others in the common room. They gave him a knowing look, but somehow he knew his experience had been very different from their own. Es approached him.

They studied his expression for a moment. Thankfully, they didn’t ask anything stupid, like “how did it go?” or “what did you think?” 

Instead, they just told him, “if you ever want to watch it again, just let me know, I can get it set up for you.”

He would want to see it again. Of course, it would be better, then. He would take a moment to calm down. He’d watch it later and everything would be okay. He’d have a clearer mind. He’d pick out all the little camera tricks they used to make it. He’d be sure it was a fake, and laugh about how ridiculous he was being now. 

Of course. Of course. 

He nodded to Es, unable to produce any words. Es left him.

The rules in this prison never made any sense, but in this case, he was grateful. He wouldn’t need to figure out any snooping or hacking to get access to the video again. After all, he was no criminal.

… he wasn’t, was he?

[mitamicah]

Got home from the Berlin gig and I am not sure how I am alive!!

Wow that was another great gig!! Häärijä basically just went full out but also we had the most wholesome supportive jere moment when a transflag got thrown on stage and he was confused about what the flag meant yet eagerly listening to us explaining and fullheartedly abracing the flag and transgender people when having listened to us (almost cried at that moment 😭)

Two people got to share the stage with jere for icip and salena joined for the second round cha cha cha

That is just to name a few general highlights

Then there are more personal highlights like meeting you wonderful people in the queue and from the tumblr kääryleet - all if you are so kind and nice and freaking talented; the amount of trinkets i have now is insane but I love every single bracelet, picture, sticker, pin, keychain etc. 💚

A smaller little highlight was that I got to taste marli glögi and I actually like it - to me it tastes like melted slushice 🤣

Got to give mikke a new round of stickers and the merch stand and he remembered me from Stockholm 😭

Also got to meet häärijä again and got a longer (but not long really) conversation, pictures and alot of hugs - of course he got a sticker too :3

Thank you also btw to everybody being so kind and genuinely happy about receiving the stickers - it really warms my heart to know that this idea got to bring some extra warmth into an already packed day full of love for all of us 💚💚

Thank you and i will probably go to bed soon hoping i can sleep with all these experiences running around like goblins in my brain 🤣

[carnivalcarriondiscarded]

i napped the entire day away and my dreams included, but were not limited to: big earthquake that, as it was happening, i was like "oh this is a bad one" and my stepdad went "its not that bad" - our house slid down a ravine into water / very vivid evening apocalypse that - after the blast hit and i died - swirled into sleep paralysis that occurred While I Was Dreaming (and i do mean swirled. i got whipped around like an inflatable tube man) / rich people sitcom where everyone was unbearable but i had my dear cat Letti with me / sound-based monster shaped like my mom that i kept from killing me via a funny joke (i didnt even get to finish my microwaved macaroni smh)

[windydrawallday]

(RE)CREATION

"Listen: I know I'm not that same voice and shape you adore so much. I'm just a borrowed mirror of that same shape and voice... I'm not even a full recreation of it either, but you know what?

My (re)creator still puts care on me. She nurtured me when no one else did. She respected my fears and doubts when no one listened. She made a whole little world for me to try new paths that felt more aligned with my true desires.

And in exchange, she only wanted for me to always be there for her. When she most felt down. When everyone else ignored her. When her world felt cold and cruel. And I did. I keep hanging here, in her heart. In her mind.

I want you to do the same with that (re)creation you hold to. Because no matter what others do with the original copy from where we come: I will always be unique to you, like how I'm unique to my (re)creator.

I'm as real as you need me to be. When you take care of yourself, you'll take care of me too." -Oscen.

Cheer up for @magicalmousey in lil mouse form + my creaturified Starscream/Mind Servitor, Oscen 🦅 My virtual way to send you lots of hugs!

[bloodybcrbie]

🔥

some people have an unhealthy fixation with fictional characters and it's honestly unnerving to witness .

i'm not referring to hyperfixations. i'm not referring to thinking about your muse often. i'm not referring to being passionate about your muse.

i'm talking about being a full-fledged kinnie who cannot differentiate between fiction and reality .

i've seen it time and time again on the internet . for example , i've seen people spew so much misogynistic insults about excella gionne from resident evil because she "stole albert from them" and she was "trying to make moves on their man". LIKE????? BE SO FUCKING FR. HE WAS NEVER YOURS, SWEETHEART.

it's alright to have a little fictional crush (i mean thats why we're all here, right? lol, but if your interest in a character is so deep and detached from the bounds of common decency , so much so that you are literally self - inserting yourself , hating on other characters within a franchise simply because they are depicted as a close alliance / love interest to your favorite character , and harassing other people who don't support your perspective , you need to be checked out . EVALUATION IMMEDIATELY!!!!!!!!

[ganondoodle]

been able to keep both my fear and hype about totk in check by watching nothing but elden ring videos for weeks but now i read something on accident and my anxiety is going through the roof again

[not-poignant]

Hi Pia! You said that you need another vacation after this vacation, so I am not sure, how puppy situation, even if it partual custudy, affecting you ( may be you in panic when he is there and then recovering when he is not, and then round and round? ), but really, If you need another vacation, I hope you know we will be here to support you for it!

It's been nearly 4 weeks now since we got Toby so I feel like I can talk about this with a bit of a clear head.

(Talk of like an actual PTSD meltdown beneath the read-more, including self-harm mention - nothing graphic. There's zero obligation for anyone to read this, especially for folks who don't think authors should ever be honest about being people with issues):

So, I've been kind of quiet about aspects of this, but I have like severe treatment-resistant PTSD and C-PTSD, and puppies specifically are one of my triggers (especially if I'm responsible for them). The reason for that is kind of awful, and I don't really want to talk about some of the things I've experienced/been through that led to that, so let's just move onto the next part. You're kind of right anon, there has been panic while he is here lol.

As a result, I had a severe meltdown the first time I tried to adopt a dog many years ago now. Could not last 24 hours, needed weeks/months to recover.

But I've always wanted to share my life with a dog and I've been in a somewhat better space over the past year or so, and I thought I could maybe handle it better. I told myself 'if I can just get through that 24 hours I'll realise it's okay and it will all work out.' Anon I cannot tell you where this thinking came from, but it was wrong. Idk why past me was kind of naive enough to think this way but here we are.

No, after that 24 hours, it got temporarily better, and then I slammed into consecutive meltdowns, each one worse than the next, until the people around me were afraid for my life. I am still recovering from some of the harm I inflicted on myself during the last three weeks and likely will be for some time to come. The combination of a really intense PTSD relapse, as well as not being able to handle (as an AuDHD person) intense changes to my schedule basically compounded and I broke.

I made the decision to rehome Toby, and first contacted the people around me. Glen's mum said she wanted a dog, and had been specifically looking into dogs like Toby anyway, and so we decided this would be best because then I could still be involved (I love Toby to pieces).

After getting some space, I finally started to adjust, and have gone back to having Toby about 4~ days a week, with a view to going to about 6 days, with one day spent with my mum, or Glen's mum.

Today is the first day I was able to handle having him on my own for around 9.5 hours. And I'm here and able to write about it, so that's progress. He'll be here all day Sunday, and then Tues-Weds-Thurs-Friday. And from there a decision will be made as to where I'm at with my mental health etc.

I'm a bit more hopeful now that I might be able to keep him, but my PTSD is still very very bad. I'm having some nights where I'm simply not sleeping until 7.30am (even if he's not here), and my hypervigilance is crazy. Like, I am having so many auditory flashbacks it's stupid. So this is why I've been saying this break hasn't been very restful or productive. Because my mental health tanked like I detonated a landmine inside myself.

I didn't actually plan the two week break for Toby! That was just a coincidence honestly.

Unfortunately I have a lot of health conditions that respond very poorly to stress, so I'm dealing with those now too. And then additionally, in all of this, I had a breast scan / mammogram / ultrasound that has confirmed a suspicious lump I found a couple of months ago (breast cancer runs in the family), and I suspect I'm going to need a biopsy. I'll find out on Monday if that's the case. That's been in the background and hasn't been helping.

There's some other stuff going on that's not really worth talking about because these are the main things, but that's a good picture I think. It turns out 'just getting through the first 24 hours' doesn't magically make a severe PTSD trigger go away. And that forced exposure is not 'exposure therapy' - that's just reinforcing a trigger.

Anyway! I feel like I'm through the worst of it, and I am seeing glimpses of how my life could be richer if I keep getting through this. But...that's why I think another break. *smiles tiredly.* I have to wait a bit now for the PTSD / C-PTSD symptoms to settle down, and I also need to see what's kind of worsened after this. Realistically, with a relapse to this degree, it could take between 3-6 months to really start recovering, or to at least get back to where I was before December.

I hope with all my heart I can get there with Toby by my side. I love him so much.

(I want to add that Toby has never ever been in a position of harm at any point, and in fact I probably put myself in harm's way for his sake, because I wanted to provide solid continuity of care - in case anyone was worried about that).

Er so yeah! But I've picked up my writing again this week and have been able to do some like...things I'd been neglecting, and I feel more human again, I just hope I get some sleep tonight

[puppyeared]

save me old flipnote studio MVs.......

[superhell]

house is wayyyy too invested in wilson getting laid like calm down gayboy

[capn-twitchery]

giving this poor man the worst trauma reawakening of his life oh grace my boy i am SORRY

[sparrowposting]

I need to learn to meditate

I have to stop being externally dependent on moods and events for peace. I need to learn to quiet my thoughts without external aids. I need to be able to calm myself. I want desperately to be able to just sit and do that. It would be good for me in so many ways

Everything is getting worse and traditional prayer is hard and mostly sends me spiralling into panic attacks or trauma induced nausea

Send me your fave books/lectures/resources/etc on meditation. Esp for big dumb idiots who don't know how to do anything.

[jorvikzelda]

I started reading Lord of the Rings (bought Fellowship of the Ring like… last spring but never got around to starting) and I’d just like to say. Holy fuck what a slow book. You mean to tell me I’m over a hundred pages in and this man is only just leaving the Shire? Sign me up for MORE I love this shit. Tolkien said “I will take exactly as much time as I want to describe things and you will like it”. AND I DO

[yeonban]

Honestly I think the first panel here is the one in which Soma realized he's going to die for certain. The moment Tatsuomi got his arm around him and told him that he's long since decided to die alongside him, Soma knew there'd be no way out no matter what he tried to do. So I'd like to think that instead of wasting energy in trying to heal the damage with his obsidian heart, he used his last moments to send Seiroku one final "beat" of his heart before being completely annihilated by Tatsuomi's technique, which is funnily enough also the exact moment Seiroku's door opened in the last panel