#some of us out here need to suck it up
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Ended up writing a whole post in tags ig, feels shitty tbh bc it’s softening the blow which is exactly my issue with censorship irl. People censor on TikTok bc it’s the only way to get their opinions out without being silenced, not because it’s ACTUALLY BAD TO SAY REAL WORDS. Discomfort is *important* actually. Media literacy is at an all time low despite more people having to go to school to live and it shows
#yeah#censorship doesn’t equal trigger warnings#in fact it’s worse#saying grape isn’t less triggering than saying rape in a trigger warning#as someone with ptsd and who is a traumagenic system#just saying the name of something that happened to me isn’t triggering#it’s the description of the act#and yes im very pro content warnings#but in the kindest way I can say it#some of us out here need to suck it up#you can curate your own page#if hearing the word itself is too much#then maybe that’s something to work on in therapy#and maybe migrate to idk YouTube or smth without a fyp for the time being#point is#censorship doesn’t serve a purpose#except to further sanitize real life#which is unrealistic and frankly unacceptable#this puritanical American culture is slowly killing us#and is leeching into other countries because of the globalization of the internet#saying exactly what you mean irl when you can’t online is an act of violence/pos
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Remember: The burning sensation is part of the process.
#Mouthwashing#blood#body horror#Emphasizing here that this is in reference to a media and character and not a cry for help on my end.#Mouthwashing is one of those games that tickles my brain and checks all the boxes for my niche interests -#-but it wasn't something that got the silly comic part in my cortex firing up. My analysis brain is eating well though!#What said...It is impossible for me to see this scene and not say out loud: “Me in the middle of my work day".#While there is a lot more going on with curly I personally resonated a lot with his struggles with burnout.#Burnout feels like mouthwash to me. That you keep rinsing out your mouth trying to get rid of the rotting smell#but it's just surface level solutions. The real cure requires something far more significant to actually make a difference.#The job 'is hard' and 'everyone struggles'. It's part of the process right? You're tired? Anxious? Depressed? Us too! Chin up!#Actually I resonated with a lot of things within Curly (this is a curly positive space - he's not perfect. He's just human).#One thing being his desire to see the good in people and believe in their potential.#Because here's the thing. Some people truly do just need someone in their corner who stands by them so they can grow and improve.#And some people will take advantage of your kindness. You focus so much on their humanity while you stop being a person to them.#The horrifically toxic relationship persists because Curly tries to see the bigger picture and believes in the good within.#Anyone who has lived through constantly trying to reframe the hurt as something else knows-#-just how many excuses your brain will make to avoid cognitive dissonance. It's human psychology.#Jimmy sucks so bad. But we the audience have the privilege of not having years of baggage associating him in our minds as 'friend'.
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smth smth about 'the thing that the character did that you thought was rly rly funny in the moment is actually linked to a terrible trauma that lies within said character.' or wahtever.
#jrwi show#jrwi fanart#jrwi riptide#gillion tidestrider#made this within a short span of wahtever bc i gotta go up to the mountains for my stupid gay job tonight n im trying#nnot to frrRREAAAK THE FUCK OUUTTTTTTi dont wanna work but. get that bread we fuckin shall i guess#ONWARDS TO THE FISH TORMENT!! sometimes flowers feel pain when you trim them before their blossoming. atleast i imagine so#i used to draw gillion with loooong hair tied into a big ol braid. and then it was confirmed that he had short hair when he was little.#AT FIRST I WAS SAD. but then i realized the duality of. when they were little. gill had short hair. edyn had long hair.#AND NOW THEYRE OLDER. and gillion has long hair. and edyn has short hair#both mirroring eachother. looking up to eachother. subconsciously or not. they most certainly care. and most certainly miss eachother.#GILLION ALWAYS LOVED HOW LONG HAIR LOOKs. atleast i imagine so. he hasnt cut it since he left the undersea. sure he wanted to go back home#but even at the very start. he knew he was free in some way now. free to grow out his hair. an adventure would await him before he returns.#he knew it would be a while. so he cant let this go. he cant let this sought-after hair-length get cut away from him again#not yet. not yet. i like to think he loved music too. I SAW SOMETHING INTERESTING A BIT AGO#i see alot of ppl commenting on my baby gill comics like;'i wouldFIGHT this teacher i wanna KILL EM i want them DESTROYED#all very good and nice sentiments! i LOVE the energy here! and it would be nice. to have that catharsis#but the story of young tidestrider is not a story of catharsis. it is a story of agony and being so so small and so special and also so dum#and sucking so bad. and just being a kid and doing the things that a little kid does and so many tired tired people reacting badly to it#youre supposed to be the hero that will save us. our world hangs in the balance and you are the one who tips the scales.#YOU are supposed to SAVE US!! you NEED to SAVE US! CAN YOU PLEASE STOP SQUIRMING IN YOUR STUPID CHAIR!!#you'd think that young tidestrider ought to prevail. and be tucked someplace all safe and sound.#elders gone missing and rotting in a jail. their cultists nowhere around. but theres no happy endings. not here not now.#this tale is all sorrows n woes. you may dream that justice n peace win the day. but thats not how this story goes#BIG ideas for this lil baby gillion series. if anything i make ever gets disproven im killing myself in a well as to poison a water supply
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i love makoto so much but fanon does her so much better (the good parts of the fandom) because in the game her character is so lack luster. they butchered her confidant it is so borning and not even about her. they made her a cop. A COP. they pushed this "canon waifu" role onto her (before sumire came along and did it Even Worse). and it SUCKS because SHE IS SO MUCH MORE!!! SHE IS SO MUCH BETTER!!!! SHE COULD'VE BEEN SO MUCH BETTER!!! the way i feel about canon makoto is the same way i feel about the canon ryuji events post komoshida where he's horribly mistreated and used purely as comic relief: i ignore them <3 my game now <3 never happened <3 my ocs <3
You are so right. I generally apply this to all characters in p5 bc the game does such a shit job of staying consistent with character arcs and personalities. Theres a desperate need to throw in perverse jokes at the expense of female characters and a need to show that the police (as a whole) are reliable people who are not influenced by things like money and power; only the BAD cops do that. Not to mention this obvious fatphobia and homophobia but i feel likes thats a given.
But back to Makoto. Shes a victim of bad writing just like everyone else. Ryuji during the kamoshida arc was fighting with self loathing and genuine anxiety, and aside from the like. One comment on Panthers outfit in the metaverse, hes more than well behaved. All of that is shelved as soon as Kamoshida is gone and replaced with him being weird comic relief (and the focus of alot of sexual jokes that were nonexistent in the beginning of the game). Anns arc about self love and empowerment is completely dropped as soon as the nasty bad guy is put away (so that its good to be weird about her w the Good Guys). Makoto loses her a chunk of her personality to be the mature waifu which is INSANE to me bc shes like. Not okay or normal at all 😭😭😭 she THINKS shes responsible and so does everyone else on her team, but its an act! She doesnt know shit! And she doesnt know that she doesnt know shit bc shes respectful and adults dont care about anything as long as u respect them!
Its very telling that for literally every single thief (and goro), you can see the exact moment the writers gave up on adding anything of worth to their characters outside of the social links. Its like they didnt know what to even do w the characters at their disposal after their main arcs were complete. No mention of friends hanging out without you, no mention of having group hangouts. Everyone is treated as a core, important member of the friend group DURING their arc, but outside of it, they are acquaintances at best. Theres nothing in the game that convinces you that these guys are legitimately friends who care for each other and do Friend Things. And i describe it like that bc there IS a game that treats them all as friends, and its strikers! Strikers/Scramble genuinely feels like the game p5 wanted to be; a road trip w your team where they stay up at night talking to each other and hanging out and doing things together that dont necessarily include you, the player. Its refreshing and lovely but it sucks that u get that kind of attention to detail in a ‘spinoff’ title
#chattin#i hesitate to use spinoff bc its a pretty big game#and theres an amazing plot with wonderful characterization#and their handling of jails and jail owners is LEAGUES better than the bs they tried to make up w palace users#and all the thieves feel like family. and not in the annoying fandom way; like#were family in the same way a family is forged and tended to. i love you. no one is left behind. no one is made to feel inferior another#its really good and honestly if u want more interactions between everyone i really recommend a playthrough#but yeah#p5 sucks#i love it but i love the version of it i made in my head LMAO#maybe p5r did a better job w the dialogue and some questionable scenes#(i wouldnt know. i didnt play it lol)#so maybe thats what people need to be using as a point of reference#but i only plyed p5 so this is what i have; a group of people who show up for meetings and then go about their life#and that kinda sucks. why make this wholly unique experience in which these teens can only relate to each other#make them bonded over their shared experience w this unbelievable world#and then not only make them NOT interact; but have the end be ‘okay by akira.’ and leave it at that#they just. didnt know what to do w anyone#they needed their girls to be waifubait and the boys to be an afterthought#they needed a buffet of older woman for pathetic men to fuck through their self insert#and they needed a story convoluted enough to keep people stuck trying to figure it out themselves#its bad. its so bad. its so fucking bad. but i have to be here. WE have to be here.#bc who else is going to take these characters out of hell and treat them right ??!!!
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winter hater kazui is like this to shidou do u gets
is he stupid or what
#and then shidou holds his hand and puts it in his pocket so they are both warm. no who am i kidding kazui is still dying#guy too used to having to 'suck it up' realizes he does not infact need to do that#i feel like after he meets shidou he starts masking less so it's more obvious when something is up#his act of a stereotypical man is falling apart#face it mukuhara kazui. you are a PUSSY (cat)!!!#nways what if he;s like this while it's raining too...#“oh wow it's raining here you can use my umbrella shidou-kun”#proceeds to not join him underneath for some reason and just walks with him in the rain getting drenched#“what are you doing???” “it's fine it's just a drizzle” “come underneath???” “it's fine haha” “why are you like this”#shidou's not any better he'd probably wear a sweater in the summer n wonder why he's sweating his ass off#sigh but winter is so perfect for them because they can both laze around together#someone needs to stop them right now#taking them out with a shotgun#milgram#kazui mukuhara#shidou kirisaki#0507#kazushidou#chibi's ramblings#lee postings
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People are already whining abt the flag on grahams plushie be for real 💀
#ohh it doesnt represent me .. ok plushies arent made to represent you it represents him#plus its being released like. right at the start of pride month . so its def related to that#god forbid people get a cute pride flag with their plushie that represents said character#‘b but what about me im not lgbt’ … take it off?#if you see a pride flag and IMMEDIATELY have an issue with it. thats uh. thats a problem!#graham is lgbt and always has been suck it up .#heres to hoping this will drive out any homophobes who are FOR SOME REASON in this community#ugh i just needed to complain a bit#its so tiring. so exhausting . im tired of ppl complaining abt how lgbt people express themselves#this isnt just an issue with the plushie this is a general thing#ESPECIALLY approaching pride month. this always happens#theres a SPIKE in homophobia bc theyre desperately trying to silence us#i just want to enjoy pride month but its so hard to bc homophobes get so much louder .#and it ends up just being. exhausting. anyway#heres to a hopefully happy pride month this year .#i just need to avoid some places .
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#can I just. scream for a second#so as is news to no one#we need to start over the entire us medical system from scratch#also I would like to be flayed alive and start over from scratch in the skin department as well#anyway for context: I've had some kind of rash/acne/infection/irritation all over my legs for over a year now#have tried various products and changed habits and products to try and get rid of it to no avail#everyone said you should really just go to a dermatologist#(I was not that inclined to do so bc the previous and only time I'd seen a dermatologist it was not a good experience. very condescending#also I don't like making appointments and stuff. girl I don't have time)#but I decided to be an adult and go (my insurance info seemed to imply I could go with zero copay even)#spoilers: that was not the case#anyway so I show up and surprise surprise: it sucked#she was dismissive and condescending imo. was literally like 'well it could be A B or C but I can't tell'#'all of those are basically impossible to get rid of anyway but the things to try are X Y or Z'#I asked to try Z since X and Y are things that I already tried and did nothing (which I had told her!!!)#but she just kept being like 'you just need to stop picking at it. that's the real problem and that's what's exacerbating your scarring'#(wow thanks never thought of that!) (she also insinuated that my scarring was ugly)#girl I'm not 5 years old I understand.#unfortunately for me that is a compulsion so strong it would probably take years of directed therapy to get me to stop doing that#what I'm here to see you about is to figure out what the problem is and how to stop it from happening in the first place#and STOP TRYING TO MAKE IT A COSMETIC ISSUE#it's causing me pain and discomfort that's the main problem! I would like that to stop!! and me not touching it would not solve that proble#also I wanted to ask her about something else but they were too quick about it. felt very Handled if you know what I mean#but anyway#she gave me a prescription for topical antibiotic which was the thing I had not tried#apparently my insurance doesn't cover it and it's also made of gold and plutonium or something#so she gave me a coupon for it#but get this#when I went to pick it up at the pharmacy they didn't take the coupon#the guy said. 'um this only works for the generic brand. and we don't have the generic brand'
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"celebrating people for having killed other people is bad"
"first of all how dare you"
literally sorry for thinking murder is bad even when it's people in a different country and gets you healthcare or whatever
#the excuses are what gets me like idk man i've also had college bills and no healthcare and no purpose but i didn't sign up to kill over it#even if i were physically capable i simply would not do it because i think joining the us military is a bad thing to do unequivocally#and OBVIOUSLY. your poverty or lack of opportunity etc is not the fault of the people whose lives you are taking or destroying#and you have NO fucking right to try to fix your problems at such cost to others#obligatory tumblr reading comprehension caveat that of course we as us citizens are all complicit in the evil of this empire to some extent#but it shouldn't need to be spelled out that joining the military is a completely different level#i'm spelling it out anyway so we don't piss on the poor here. hopefully you get the point#anyway. stop sucking us military dick what the fuck is wrong with you people.#the ask tag
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The hell's up with all these anti-trans men/masc memes lately because I'm getting real sick of it real quick. It's not cute and it was never funny.
#textpost#This site's always been weird about trans men and it feels like it's gotten significantly worse lately#It's bad enough trans men are constantly belittled by the rest of the LGBT community I don't need to see that shit on here too#'Why would anyone ever want to be a man' is one I've been seeing a lot. Think before saying something that stupid#I've been wanting to make a post about this for a while now but haven't because I feel like it's swinging a bat at a hornet's nest#Which in itself is completely stupid. I shouldn't feel like that addressing these issues yet here we are#Damn near every single time I've seen a trans man on here mention that maybe we're being treated unfairly they get laughed at#Or told to suck it up or that we've got 'cis male privilege' or something. Do these people forget that we're TRANS??#I WISH the government saw me as a cis man but they don't#This is NOT a trans men vs trans women suffering olympics thing like some people seem determined to make it out to be#Every trans identity and trans person is affected by transphobic laws and people. We're in this shit together#And belittling trans men and ignoring us when we speak up about issues will only drive a wedge in the trans community#When we're divided we're weaker and that's how the transphobes get what they want#Anyway I'm sick of anti-trans men memes.
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im thinking about possession aftereffects that linebeck experiences immediately after the events of phantom hourglass, so here are bullet points i have down for my own ideas
he’s out cold for roughly five days after the fight. he’s conscious for a bit after being freed, but it doesn’t take long for him to collapse once he’s transported back to the great sea. link finds him when he reaches his ship to see him again (he takes a lifeboat or w/e from tetras ship its a whole thing and not the point) and ends up having to take care of him for those five-ish days.
while he’s out cold, he develops a bad fever, and has a good few physical injures from being possessed; all of his wounds from being possessed manifest as burns, the worst wounds bring cauterized and mostly closed, while smaller ones are still open wounds. the largest wound is a large burn covering most of his back, which is cauterized by the time he passes out, and then there are smaller, still open burns on his upper arms and legs. (the smaller wounds are manageable by link when he follows some medical instructions, [there are some medical books on the ship] the larger one is also manageable, but takes a lot longer to properly heal).
(link asks tetra and her crew to stick around for a while to keep linebeck stabilized while he’s unconscious. when linebeck wakes up, tetra and her crew are good to leave because then linebeck can better report what’s going on, and knows how to handle injuries).
linebeck’s fever persists after he wakes up, and he experiences… pretty much every fever symptom, with especially bad chills and full-body aches. the aches are really bad for the first few days after he wakes up, he’s extremely physically weak and shaky for a while, too. that weakness and shakiness get better with time, but he doesnt go entirely back to normal without actually moving around and doing things to build that strength back up.
he’s delirious and struggles to stay awake for those first few conscious days, too, which makes that weakness and shakiness worse; he struggles to eat and drink water, and struggles to string together thoughts or words to talk to link, and both of them figure out pretty quickly that they’ll have to wait a bit longer before so much as an attempt to coax him out of bed can be made.
beyond existing problems with food, linebeck struggles to keep anything down while he recovers, and becomes ill pretty much every time after he eats anything, so a bucket is kept near his bed. with water, he obviously needs to drink a lot of it considering that he’s feverish, injured, and vomiting frequently, but while he’s sick he has a bit of an irrational fear of water (along with an irrational fear of air and the wind, which makes him hesitant to go outside while he’s sick).
he’s generally pretty irritable, which isn’t particularly new, but it makes him prone to refusing help with certain things. he’s less irritable when tired and just resting. he’s also especially nervous, and despite the overall fatigue, he struggles to sleep for very long while he’s sick, and as said before, is often delirious and even confused when things are bad.
along with the other difficulties eating, linebeck has a hard time swallowing for a bit, and salivates a lot more than normal while he’s sick. he is soooo fucking dehydrated the whole time and that really doesn’t help.
while the weakness and shakiness stays for the entire time he’s sick and even a bit afterwards, for the first few days after he wakes up he’s stiff and also experiences some muscle spasms and numbness in his limbs, and has a hard time keeping his balance the first few times he gets out of bed.
once the sickness clears up fully, linebeck has to still be careful with the scar on his back; it’s sensitive to touch for a while and hurts when exposed to the sun or air for too long and when he stretches his back too far, but eventually just reaches the point where it’s a bit sensitive but is otherwise just a large scar.
obviously he’s also going through the wringer in an emotional and mental illness sense too but those would require a whole new bullet point list.
#ask to tag#loz#legend of zelda#linebeck#phantom hourglass#this kinda just turned into early post ph chapter notes and you know what? i really needed it to be that way actually#post bellumbeck wounds manifest as burns bc i think that purple… ooze? from bellum is like fucking acid#also magic shit yadda yadda bellum burns those he possesses cuz like. melt skin so it fuses to whats touching it. yknow#salty talks#why does tetra’s crew leave when linebeck wakes up? linebeck wants them to leave and he wants to keep secret the fact that he got possessed#hes lucky that link doesnt say anything and lucky that tetra never saw any of it#he uses the story that he just got attacked by bellum and knocked out while link fought bellum#i might just leave his long term bellumbeck aftereffects at. huge burn scar on his back and some fun magic stuff#cuz he does go through all of this shit and survives what is basically literally fucking rabies its a lot of rabies symptoms#its like. mixture of real sickness/disease and Burn Wounds with a dash of. hmm what would he be experiencing as like#his body gets use to actually being in control of itself after that control is forcibly and violently hijacked by something else#also theres just some nasty shit in his blood/body in general which is why he vomits most of the time. get that shit outta here#also this whole scenario is ig a fun reversal since all of ph link is the one who gets injured/sick snd linebeck has to take care of him#so. switch things around. link is Going Through It as well this is DISTRESSING for him but he feels better while talking with linebeck#link being present seriously tipped things in linebecks favor. if he was alone he wouldve still survived. it wouldve fucking sucked tho#wouldve been really really hard but with enough effort and will to live linebeck could survive on his own thats important#seriously considering adding that at his worst he has seizures but i dont know enough abt those rn so maybe layer
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Suffering more than Jesus atm (being a fan of 80s/90s Suicide squad in 2024)
#god amanda waller what did they do to you....#i KNOW i never shut up about this but GUYS ITS SO BAD#fucking WHY would you take the interesting antihero protagonist and then strip her of any redeeming quality and use her as this horrific#unforgivable villain who is treated as a hated antagonist in her own comics#WHERE SHE ISNT EVEN THE MAIN CHARACTER MOST OF THE TIME#like why are you trying to make me sympathize with fucking harley quinn or smth when the actual main character is right there. why are we#turning her into this horrific villain w a million master plans making deals with the devil and shit.#we are supposed to like her. like maybe not all dc fans do because shes almost always an antagonist in other books but in her own shes the#main character!!! there should be some aspect of interest or sympathy for her. as opposed to just making her like badass or whatever#so sick of this#and its in freaking EVERYTHING right now on god i cant read other comics that are otherwise good (like ga) and enjoy them without the#obligatory intense demonification of one of my fave characters#like shes my no 6 in locg for a reason i genuinely love waller like yeah she sucks sometimes but shes INTERESTING.#this is not interesting or creative in any way what theyre doing with her#this genuinely could have been any government baddie like honestly#dont flatten 3 dimensional characters into 1 dimension (or at best like 1.5) to tell a story you tell the story around the 3d characters.#why do i need to say this. basic competent storytime#blah#amanda waller#istg i throw out another waller rant every freaking tuesday on here#suicide squad#you know what. at least we had the movie#you heard me. higher hopes for the new gunn dceu series than actual comics for the forseeable future#viola davis save me...#need to do a bit of 00s reading still to verify but on god watch this all come down to a fucking new 52 thing. like not to say that i think#thats where it all went wrong bc i need to read more to verify but i have an idea of what rlly did it and i think it was a nu52 decision#but then again maybe im stupid
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just full force threw a shoe at my sister's face and when my mum got me alone after she was like 'you shouldn't clobber her. but i get it' 😭
#it kicked off today but in my defence she's actually proper in the wrong this time even my DAD called her a bitch and my mum is FUMING#baso my sister came into my work with her mate when i was closing the other day and all the staff GLARED at them bc of aforementioned#close so i was being v chill so everyone 1) knew it was my sister and not some customer coming in late and 2) her friend wouldnt be uncomfy#like that's the real kicker her i was being extra laid back FOR her friend so he'd feel more at ease. and one thing about me is yes ive#said countless times i have a rural accent but my mum also raised me to know when and how to speak nice if need be bc people are cunts here#so when im waitressing i speak nicely bc it's a stuck up restaurant w stuck up customers but when im with my sister? making a point of#being laid back? my normal accent came through. and her mate when i was gone said i sounded 'really [from the county we live in]'#which WOULD NOT BE A COMPLIMENT. it's baso saying 'your sister sounds local and chavy' without using such explosive words#and my sister LET HIM SAY IT. SHE DIDNT DEFEND ME. and she told my mum about it later bc SHE THOUGHT SHE'D TELL ME OFF#LIKE SHE DID IT TO SNITCH. THERE WAS NO SCENARIO WHERE MY SISTER WASNT BEING A CUNT. and my mum hit the ROOF#one thing she's rlly been big on is loyalty bc it's always been the 3 of us so when she found out my sister let him say that she FLIPPED#and this all happened last night and i only found out this morning bc i overheard them screaming at each other and turns out my mum#tried to keep it from me bc she didnt want my feelings hurt and IM pissed bc it actually did hurt more than i thought it would#like i KNOW what people say about my accent but it's a guy i know? my sister's been friends w him for years? i was being nice?#it's EMBARRASSING like i was clueless & friendly and turned around for him to be like 'look at this stupid local girl' like??#and my sister did NOTHING? it just sucks so i STORMED upstairs when i found out and had it out with my sister#and she knew she was fucked so she did all 'im not talking to you i have nothing to say' AND PUT HER EARPHONES IN?#the way i RIPPED them out. got in her face like okay girl u think i sound like a chav ill act like a chav lets GO#and it just got really aggressive and i wound up grabbing HER OWN SANDAL and full force hurling it at her face 😭 oops#from close range too like i was already in her face so i basically just smacked her with a sandal DSHGJKSH#now we're sat in silence bc alas we still share a room. WHAT the fuck. insane tbh but it's a bit funny. im so angry rn i could KILL#hella goes home
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need a private tumblr to be an outlet for feelings had while activisming
#look. i know how to do things effectively i'm telling ya#but it's gonna take a whole bunch of ranting to get there first#and something inherent about activism that's actually effective is taking on care for other people's emotions#who are doubtless in much worse situations than me! but at the same time i have feelings and traumas that get triggered#and i have things i need to process and sort through in order to do my imperfect best. when you're in desperation you want more and i can't#blame you for that. but harm reduction also involves optimisation in a sense of how much harm i can personally reduce#and exposure to some things actually REDUCES that and i need to have somewhere to hold space for my emotions processing it#so i either decide fuck it and just post it here and know people are gonna get hurt from the insensitivity and there's no use explaining#unfortunately i have a suicidal ideation trigger at someone being in need and not being able to help them. maybe i can post about that?#somewhere in the limbo of this is not 'okay' per se but the best i can do is better than nothing. we all come together to stand up#against oppressors and shit. but there's emergency aid needed and it really does make me want to die very very quickly#which obviously i cannot get a job and actually help if I do. as in more than unemployment levels of generosity help#and while i can rattle on and on a bit about how our need for aid has the markings of capitalism (need for constant growth/supply)#it's not the fault of people trapped in that who don't have any other way out#sometimes i need to step back and find ways I CAN simplify my life in community to have more to be able to give when needed#because i can't do that for other people but i can for myself#and then i sound self righteous for doing it so i can be generous? so i can not feel helpless and want to die? there's no winning#i am the person who sees someone complain and thinks i immediately need to fix it for them. there's a good chance i will always be#and then i won't realise it but the empathy is the thing that's keeping me depressed and frozen but keeping me alive as well#and honestly i've lived like that for years. i don't have anything but my sometimes pitiful activism to like. enjoy life or whatever#and i do what i always do. one step in front of the other. pray for provision. choose between therapy and donation why am i so caught#up in that? problem solve. what are the needs and what are the other ways of solving them? share it to facebook? i don't know#i'll get there but i really need a job and i need to get a bit better so i can work. that day is gonna come it's just. the meantime sucks
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concept art for my AU where the church lets House Gautier hold on to the dragon sign in case they didn't have a kid with a Crest and so Miklan doesn't get kicked out and he loves his little brother and everything is Fine Actually
#fire emblem#fire emblem three houses#fire emblem 3 houses#fe3h#miklan anschutz gautier#miklan#miklan gautier#my art#pencil sketch#he doesn't use the dragon sign usually because it gives him headaches and nightmares#(nabatean stuff is Weird and not really compatible with humans!!)#but if he needs to pick it up for like a border skirmish/invasion or a formal event where they want to show off‚ it's safe for him to use#when sylvain is home miklan hands the lance off to him asap bc it's less weird if you have the actual crest rather than just the dragon sign#he prefers to use an axe (i'm thinking fortress knight for his class given that he has pretty heavy armor in game + bulky physique)#also he doesn't have the scar here bc i figured that happened either when he got kicked out or in a bad fight while he was a bandit#though i might put it back and say he got it while defending the border#not sure yet. the au is still in the early stages of development lol#anyway he and sylvain are SIGNIFICANTLY less fucked up and traumatized here bc their parents didn't treat miklan like trash#so he had no reason to get jealous of sylvain so he didn't abuse him and try to kill him multiple times when they were kids 😅#sylvain still has some crest baby issues but not nearly as much bc less crest-related trauma + emotional support from miklan#their parents still suck ass but having an older sibling who's on your side is way different from one who abuses you and then disappears#i also think miklan and glenn were friends in this au#... i wonder if ingrid's parents would have betrothed her to miklan instead after glenn died#haha ingrid. you are engaged to my brother#though idk if they would want to introduce a different crest to the family given that the lance is specifically for the crest of gautier#maybe they'd figure that having one parent with crest blood increases the chance of a different crest kid#because we know crests can skip generations so maybe miklan has latent crest blood that could manifest in his children#that would be an au to think about... if miklan found a wife and had a kid b4 conand tower and the baby had the crest of gautier?#and he came back like FUCKING ACKNOWLEDGE ME BITCHES UR GRANDSON HAS A FUCKING CREST!!#beep
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I can't sleep again.
#100% секретный дневник левы НЕ ЧИТАЙ#лёва паспрабуе АДК#it's not about that. i'm just tired.#(stayed up too late for the first time in a while)#well... it compounded the issues.#i look like some guy with my blurry vision and yet its not enough and i dont know WHY#i do know why. have you ever not been seen?#flipped the coin from independence within my grasp to nothing is ever going to get me out of here#not even 'getting out of there' got me out#i can't wait for guard season again but i'm worried it's only going to put me right back into the depression mines#... seasonal depression notwithstanding#i need to make a choice at auditions and its whether i will be out; as me - and hopefully have a better season because of it#or just... stay like this. forever.#... my consult is right before second auditions pretty much. schedule that month is looking full..#anyways its not fair of me to expect anyone to check in on me#especially when one of my housemates seems to ... Also be going through it#and i can tell you now which of us is actually likely to talk about it and its NOT me#i'm not built for this idk. i never should have taken her up on that job offer.#...... i'm thinking about relapsing again. more seriously considering it.#i KNOW it's not good i KNOW it won't help but i dont know what fucking else will!!!!#remember when it felt like i was getting hobbies again?? so much for that..#.. i need to pull life into my *own* control but i need help to get there#and i can't even imagine being fully independent#... even if i'm taking all the right steps to get there#the MOST annoying revelation was that i could Maybe Actually benefit from therapy and the second most was that if i tell her this there is#almost no way any therapist she finds will be queer friendly#going to dig myself out of it. as always. mostly just not pushing myself right now but GOD does it suck.
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obsessed with the way the republican party’s two biggest platforms (pro police and anti gun control) literally led to its presidential candidate getting shot at
#now let me make it clear here and now for the feds i express no violent thoughts or intentions#i am merely critiquing the internal contradictions of the GOP and the consequences of their own beliefs#anyways it’s just very ironic like those old bastards are always talking about how we need more guns in this country#and that the police will protect us and now that’s finally catching up to them#they let a teenager with a gun into the premise there was no good guy with a gun to stop him and the police were as usual fucking cowards#if the democrats were smart they’d be using the shit out of this in their campaign and to pass some bipartisan bill#cause you know the GOP is scared that it’s gonna be one of them next#but alas that party is ran by a bunch of center right buffoons who’s only platform is getting elected#also the way the media can’t seem to figure out what this kids angle was#like you’re in the school rifle association but you fucking suck at it#you donate to the democratic party and then you register as a republican#you’re bullied in school SO YOU SHOOT THE PRESIDENT????#now the bullied in school narrative is so redundant when it comes to white male violence#but the theory that makes the most sense to me is that he was depressed and he wanted a way of going out while still being remembered#why he chose trump as his target when he fits the bill for a trump supporter idk why
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