#and it ends up just being. exhausting. anyway
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Trick or treat..?
I suppose it’s too late for that huhu😭 but may I please have your take on Sanemi taking care of a drunk s/o after a (halloween?) party?
Sanemi taking care of his drunk partner
He knew attending Tengen’s birthday part was a mistake. Sanemi never wanted to come in the first place!
Pairing: Sanemi x gn!reader
Again, this absolutely beautiful banner was made by @erexart !! Please, please go check her out! She makes fanarts (remember boxer Sanemi?) and art including her ocs and characters like Kyojuro and Sanemi— I love her comics so much, they are so so cute and I love imagining my own oc in her place XD Anyways, thank you so much for requesting and making this beautiful banner for this fic!
“Sanemiiii, you’re soo serious… lighten uppp, this a party, yeah?”
“Party’s over.”
Sanemi was steadily helping you to lean against his shoulder while his arms were wrapped beneath yours, trying to drag you down the streets, back to your home. He doesn’t step into the role of a caretaker often, but after watching you down drinks after drinks alongside the birthday-boy Uzui, he was already mentally preparing himself to finally pay you back for all the times you took care of him, physically and mentally. It’s the least he could do for you in his eyes, taking care of you while you are drunk. He had already stayed near you all evening, making sure that you don’t seriously overdo it and end up with alcohol poisoning, silently glaring at Tengen for again pouring you another drink. Sanemi was never fond of alcohol drinks and decided to stick to his green tea. Someone has to stay sober and make sure everyone is being responsible, right?
By the time you were stumbling away from the former sound hashira’s mansion, your husband steadied you carefully while you kept trying to wiggle out of his grasp, assuring him that you can totally walk on your own. Dragging you home and making sure that you don’t trip or decide that running off is a suitable option for you as well. You didn’t notice how Sanemi’s grip tightened on you as you complained about going home so soon, wanting to stay a little longer at the birthday party to celebrate more. By the time you two arrived back home, it was way past midnight. Your husband guided you to sit down while he prepared a small meal for you, scolding you to drink the glass of water he handed you slowly but surely, threatingly pointing his wooden spoon at you while standing by the stove.
“You’re so mean to meee! You’re lucky I like your pretty face.”
“Mhm, just drink your damn water.”
It’s a little ironic to him how Sanemi usually is spending his nights beating the shit out of demons, dragging himself home and almost falling asleep in the shower while you scrub his bloody back. Sometimes, despite how exhausted and how much you want to sleep right now, you still drag yourself to the kitchen and prepare a small meal for him so that he doesn’t have to go to bed hungry. You know that your husband would be too exhausted to make something himself, preferring to sleep. Despite how annoyed and pissed he seems with you right now because of how drunk you are, Sanemi still gladly takes care of you.
He always felt like he was taking more than he was giving in your relationship, taking your affections for granted, barely having any time for you due to his hashira duties and never really acknowledging how much you are doing for him. While holding the glass of water to your lips you still haven’t finished, his fingers carefully brushing over your rosy cheeks as a way to gently coax you into finally drinking at least a little bit of water. The quick meal he whipped up wasn’t anything too fancy, Sanemi feeding you with chopsticks while you lazy lean back against the chair, ready to crash into bed and hibernate until the late afternoon. Now you’re thankful for Sanemi dragging you home so early.
A shower he was planning on forcing you to take has to wait until later, you’re basically half asleep in your chair by the time he finished feeding you. Carrying you to bed was much easier than dragging you away from Tengen’s estate, your body basically limp in his arms while he carried you to bed. Your arms were lazily wrapped around his neck, playing a little with the hair on the back of his head while dreamily staring at your husband’s handsome face. My, was he always this hot? Or is the way Sanemi is removing your sweaty clothes just really turning you on? Before you could even open your mouth, your husband carefully helped you lay down properly onto your mattress, tucking you in with the cosiest sheets he could find. You grinned at him.
“What’re ya staring at?”
“The hottest man in the whole world.”
You relaxed under his touch as he ran his thick fingers through your hairstrands, detangling your hair a little while his eyes glossed over your features. Sanemi gave you a small hum of acknowledgement before leaning down to you, placing a soft kiss on your forehead. A small giggle escaped your lips as you weakly tried pulling the warm body of your husband closer for a cuddle. He didn’t even try to protest despite him still being dressed in his street clothes.
“I gotta change, bug.”
“Mh, no. Dooooon’t caaaree.”
Sanemi groaned in annoyance but never made an attempt to move away or escape your grasp. The tension in his body slowly began to disappear the longer your body pressed against his. He lazily kicked his shoes off and slipped beneath the sheets, giving up on fighting against your drunk stubbornness.
“Just sleep, will ya?”
“As long as you stay here.”
A soft sigh escaped his lips as he began to smile slightly. He moved closer to you, burying his face into your warm neck, closing his eyes in exhaustion.
“I ain’t going nowhere, promise.”
💠
I always feel so incredibly honoured when I receive art for my fics— when I first started posting on tumblr, I set some small goals for me to archive while being active on here: get over 100 followers, get a post to 1.000 interactions, get requests and get my favourite authors to like my works— one of those goals was to receive fanart or art for my works, and the first time erexart offered to make a banner for one of my posts, I can’t describe how happy I felt XD Once I gathered enough (like a goblin), I’ll make a small post collecting every piece of media I received from others— may it be art from you guys or own little fan-works or whatever, I always feel incredibly honoured to receive anything.
I apologise if this may sound desperate or demanding, I just feel like I don’t express my appreciation for you guys enough XD
Anyways, make sure to EAT, SLEEP and DRINK enough!!
Take care of yourselves <3
#💠 house of vry 💠#sanemi x reader#sanemi x y/n#sanemi x you#sanemi#sanemi shinaguzawa#demon slayer sanemi#kny sanemi#kimetsu no yaiba sanemi#sanemi shinazugawa#demon slayer hashira#hashira x reader#wind hashira#demon slayer#demon slayer x reader#kny x reader#kny x y/n#kny x you#demon slayer x y/n#demon slayer x you#fluff
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People are already whining abt the flag on grahams plushie be for real 💀
#ohh it doesnt represent me .. ok plushies arent made to represent you it represents him#plus its being released like. right at the start of pride month . so its def related to that#god forbid people get a cute pride flag with their plushie that represents said character#‘b but what about me im not lgbt’ … take it off?#if you see a pride flag and IMMEDIATELY have an issue with it. thats uh. thats a problem!#graham is lgbt and always has been suck it up .#heres to hoping this will drive out any homophobes who are FOR SOME REASON in this community#ugh i just needed to complain a bit#its so tiring. so exhausting . im tired of ppl complaining abt how lgbt people express themselves#this isnt just an issue with the plushie this is a general thing#ESPECIALLY approaching pride month. this always happens#theres a SPIKE in homophobia bc theyre desperately trying to silence us#i just want to enjoy pride month but its so hard to bc homophobes get so much louder .#and it ends up just being. exhausting. anyway#heres to a hopefully happy pride month this year .#i just need to avoid some places .
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a lesson on good karma digimon survive week 2024 day 4: supporting characters
#digimon#gomamon#digimon survive#survive week#survive week 2024#rambling ahead. you don't have to read the tags beyond bc there's nothing that important tbh... you can just look at the art...#exhausted from being out and doing housework yesterday. then got a last-minute job with very urgent deadline today#finished everything but yeah basically i did anything but art so#irl do be like that aint it#anyway it's been a long time since i played survive and my memory isn't that good#but i always remember the part where we had to protect the gomamon#and later they showed us a path via the dam allowing the team to continue exploring#it reminded me of just how important it is to be nice and do good things whenever and wherever possible#and be mindful with the not-so-good things you do and say#be it good or bad. karma is real even if you don't know when it will get back at you#and you know in visual novel settings. whatever choice you make really determines what happens later on#yeah believe it or not i end up thinking stuff like that by helping a bunch of adorable seal mons...#mmm i'm officially behind now so i might as well take my time while also rest a bit haha ;;#this week has been fun with survive week tho fr. even though i came in unprepared (when will i change)#gotta keep surviving#png
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#ok finally making a post about meds#I've not ever tried taking medication before. I was sorta raised with that classic 'dont rely on meds you have to learn to manage without'#I mean I was also raised with the idea that therapy is stupid unless you have 'real' trauma. and also like idk.#can't stay home from school unless your temp is over 100 or you're throwing up. etc. very suck it up mindset#so I was just really nervous to start. also of course worried about losing myself or whatever I know that's a silly fear but#it's also a common fear for a reason!!! anyways#so I finally was like 'I need to do something' when I realized I was so anxious I couldnt even get myself to go outside alone#like I just don't want to do ANYTHING alone to a detrimental effect. and it was butting into my ability to do my work...#for various reasons. but then ALSO adhd has been a constant issue with my work as well!#it is SO hard to write and draw on a weekly pace like I am without being able to focus#my whole life I've had these terrible nightmares constantly and I've always woken up constantly in the night#sleep has always been terrible so I've always dreaded going to bed.. ESPECIALLy because it didnt even make me less tired#it was more something that I just did because I had to.#but going to bed was always terrible. there have been times I was too scared to go to sleep for weeks on end...#I've been mitigating this for years of course. and recently I've been taking melatonin which has been helping too.#but I've also always struggled to get up. because I've always been EXTREMELY exhausted#but also anxious of what the day might bring... idk.#anyways it has all hit a point that I was like okay. I am doing as many coping mechanisms as I can. the psych said they were good too#but... it just has never been enough. it's never been enough to make me not tired it's never been enough to make me not scared#so I finally talked to the doc about it. and she was like youve def got smth wrong basically. which yah I know.. but yknow#anyways so I started taking wellbutrin. and I am so frustrated now. because it's WORKING#that constant looming sense of dread is gone. I'm excited to get up. I'm excited to go to bed BECAUSE I'm excited to get up#I feel like for years I've been holding on to the idea that I have to get up because I have to put something good out into the world#and I've been clinging to knowing that if nothing else. I am able to help other people feel better.#but now for the first time in my life I'm like. free of it. I didnt even know it was possible... and I'm so sad how much I've lost out on#and so frustrated how my whole life I've been told to put up with it and push through it. and treated like a failure for it being too much.#and just. It has only been 2 weeks. but the lack of anxiety is SO noticeable I'm so...#I'll never miss it. the adhd is still pretty present but like whatever. I can manage that better.#and I'm just crying because of all this combined.#I just. I hope I get to finally be the best I can be now. for myself but also for you guys!
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i dont think tommy said the nuke wasnt canon, he seemed to be talking about how he canonically didnt lose a life to the nuke because in the 2022 ending, no nuke killed anyone
I guess?... I don't know. It doesn't really make sense since basically Jack is pretty insistent that he did blow everything up, and yet all the buildings remain, so... and the reasoning he gives for not dying in the nuke is that he can't die, which is part of his lore. Tommy doesn't really answer how he and Tubbo are alive, except to say that the nuke wasn't canon (presumably as in canon death is what he means) and he was left with 1 life when everyone left. In response to Jack's comment about not being able to actually die, Tommy responds "Not that either of us would know anything about that" but since he fought a monster in between his Tubbo comment and Jack's, he may have meant that as a response to his above statement about logistics... so if Jack blew everything up, but everything is still standing, then the most reasonable explanation is that the Incident did happen and eventually he gained his memories back and visits Techno's house from time to time... (which people said including anons in my inbox)
So people are wrong, it is not a retcon but an extension, the end of season 2, whatever that was... even so what's funny is that innitors are more happy with this ending versus a restart even when it's down right depressing. Tommy is alone. He hasn't seen anyone besides Tubbo in a long time and lives very far away from the main dsmp area. But take it from me, the quiet is nice, living alone is nice, but being utterly alone is miserable. To live alone with no outside interaction besides one person is really sad to me, and the fact that the area is still so triggering for him is also a testament that he hasn't healed, and living alone won't heal him. Especially not when part of his trauma revolves around him feeling alone in Exile. So really, it's a very depressing ending. Tommy just wanted to have fun with his friends and in the end, he has no one but Tubbo and his sheep and a cabin in the arctic he stares at for hours. He didn't mend his relationships with people, even still bringing up Jack exploding his hotel after it's been years since then. He did literally move but he didn't heal, he didn't grow, he wasn't able to form better relationships or claim what he yearned for. And that to me is a sadder ending.
As as aside, I've talked about before how all the ghosts have sheep, so an interesting theory would be that he is actually a ghost haunting the land... have another au free of charge I guess lol... do we think the sheep is colored? maybe it's red...
#dream smp#dsmpblr#c!tommy#hello there#c!tommyinnit#c!tommy angst#dsmp#lots of angst potential for tommy fans though... him waking up in the middle of the night from a nightmare and having no one there#to comfront him... no one there to say you are safe. you are loved. no one to bring him back from hyper ventilating except a sheep#yes being alone is nice and quiet... but eventually it gets lonely to the point of numbness something you can already see in Tommy and you#realized you haven't talked in weeks because there is no one to talk to... you realize there is no one there to help you or save you or mak#you laugh... if you think this is a better ending for Tommy my bets on that you didn't spend months alone in quaratine becuase if you did#you'd know in the same way Dream did after all that isolation in prison that you actually “just don't want to ever be alone”...#(me becoming a tommy apologist!?... nah but damn that shit is sad... he legit be acting like sad AI Paul btw or an NPC...)#anyways... this topic exhausts me but yooo confirmation that Dream left with his friends? happy ending for our boy?#this is for all you discduo lovers :) <3... I shall feed your angst...
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Some mild existential dread in the house today
#im just feeling reeeeally really drained#works taking a LOT out of me#like. it feels less intense day to day? or maybe im reacting less? but its still very much piling up#and im just feeling very...idk. like im still waiting for permission to live my life#except now the permission osnt coming from any one person its. having the money to docit#and the time and the energy#and i guess thats just what adult life is? waiting#and hoping#and along the way losing sight of what i even wanted in the first place because im so *tired*#idk. i definitely need a project of some kind but im struggling to settle on something and then organise it#i have stuff to do today anyway. alfie had a lil bit of emergency cash saved so i need to go shopping#and i need to tidy the kitchen and do some dishes#and have a bath and shave at some point#i also want to draw but again. struggling ti pick something and idk if ill have the executive function spare#AND i want to try and be more social and talk to folks but thats its own kind of difficult#part of me would like a disc server that just has all of my friends in it bc i find it easier to dip in and out of conversarions#but i imagine that would be weird for folks who dont know each other#idk. lot goin through my mind when all i really want is sleep#which also hasnt been...greeeeat lately#mainly because Alfie wakes me up in the mornings bc they dont like being alone but also have a very different sleep schedule to me#and can take multiple smaller naps over a day whereas i really need a solid 8 or so hours or i just. dont fully switch on#but theyre also struggling atm (mentally and also they got an injury at work AND seperately broke their foot ffs)#so they need me more and its just#this never ending cycle of SOMETHING needs my attention#and its fucking exhausting asfghfkd#but!!! we keep goin!!!!! been applying for a bunch of jobs and havent heard anything positive yet but. we keep tryin huh
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Maybe you're more attracted to him now because of the kink. You saw him sick, and he saw you sick. Those wires might have crossed somewhere!
Ahskaksjkas you know what, maybe that is it lmaooo
#not snz#I'm literally just so 🥺#and I'm at work rn so I'm even more like 👀🥺 lmao#i swear I'm gonna end up with another migraine tho 😭 i barely slept last night and I'm exhausted#me and all the coworkers hugging and consoling each other bc none of us wanted this 😭#i swear I'm not leaving the house for the next four years 😭#I'm just hoping now that it ends up not being as terrible as we're expecting it to be 😔#also my fire coworkers texting me like 'sorry about your rights' 😭#anyway#vibing at work rn pretending that everything is fine ahskakks#at least there's food trucks 😔
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Hoghhh after a long month of defending the following characters from an entire discord server, I'm running back to here to say:
-I love Mark
-I also love Ashley
-I ADORE Emily
-I think Alex is okay
-I like Salim a lot
-I love Rachel
-I love Taylor
I am far less likely to get attacked here than there <3
#I can see peoples reasons for some of these but#1. idc I still love them#2. Why Mark? Genuinely what reasons are there to hate Mark?#This I will never understand#Genuinely the least problematic character in that entire game#And people despise him there#It's crazy#You know it's bad when DU'MET gets more love than Mark#And I've said enough here about Emily and Ashley#As for Rachel I haven't played HOA enough to fully defend her but I know that she ended up being my fav soooooooo#And Taylor? She's literally just a girl who made the mistake of being *Gasp* Emotional#tbh most of these are just girls making the mistake of idk existing#let me not get into all that here but#Isn't it funny how all these people I listed are either women POC or both?#Funny how that works#Anyway yeah it gets exhausting sometimes
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I give my grad speech in a week, have been writing a million versions of what I want to say in my head all year, talked to my mom last night, boy did she separate the wheat from the chaff.
#teaching tag#allskskskksksjsjs my mom one of the only people in the world who knows me and appreciates me but is not under the influence of my charm#even a little bit#skksksksksjsj actually my whole family is like this. which is a GIFT. and also something that can be so hard for me skskkdjdjdjdjdjjd#truly my most ruthless critics#but I wanted to cut things down in my own mind to the truest and most bare essentials#and that’s why I asked my mom! because I wanna get the core straightened out#will it end up being slightly more joke-y and vulnerable than she would like? yeah. but I am not my mom and cannot live as if I were#anyway have I thought too much about this speech? 100%. and wildly overestimated its actual importance#which is pretty small. so I have a week to wrangle myself back in line#idk i know it’s a good thing—the wave of excitement I can create#and I’ve had many people tell me they’re so looking forward to it etc.#but with it also comes a lot of pressure. a lot of pressure to be funny and to be charming#my own instinctive desire to fly too close to the sun and to take everybody on a ridiculous journey#but I want to go back to the core. especially in my teaching#it feels extremely important to me#anyway. what I need to do is let this go. and pray. and stop having a huge ego etc.#but it’s very hard because I am a self-obsessed narcissist who LOVES the sound of her own voice#I am also exhausted and have a lot of teaching/grading to do in the next week#sorry just processing thank you for listening
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HUGE VENT
I'm sorry but i need to get this out, just please don't worry too much or take anything personally/gen
My routine these last two weeeks has been:
-Wake up at my 10 am alarm and spend the whole day in bed, mentally and physically exhausted, brain fog and no motivation for anything, only getting up to eat, having to wait for the "food time" hours to roll around that my therapist gave me because I'm not allowed to eat outside of those hours and if I'm hungry but missed the last food time then too bad, struggling to stay awake because again I'm not allowed to sleep out of the "sleep hours" she gave me and that includes naps, excitedly waiting for 21h30/22h to roll around so i can finally sleep
-Spend the evening mentally screaming in my mind because, while my body is still just as physically exhausted, my mind is suddenly sharp and full of ideas and motivation, but i'm still too tired to get up and draw
-Then spend midnight and onward rolling around in bed, hot and bored out of my mind because my physical tiredness also vanished, but i'm not allowed to get up and draw because it's "sleep hours" and i need to reschedule my body, and end up falling asleep at around 5 am
I'm totally not slowly loosing my mind 😃👍
Edit: Oh also the constant noise in my ears has gotten worse, i don't know what silence is anymore
Silence is actually worse than loud rooms
It's driving me insane
It's so loud
#literaly so mentally exhausted to the point that i forgot to ask a bunch of really important stuff and tests at my last gyneco appointement#i can't remember which med I'm supposed to take at a specific hour and which one is whenever. so i just take them both at the same time#i can't remember if i have still boxes of meds in advance and which one i need to go refill#because they're stuff i need to constantly take and not suddenly stop with#but i keep forgetting to check#and i can't remember where i put the prescriptions anyway#and which one are the right one and which one are old#I'm so tired#and I'm so tired of being tired#and I'm SO so so tired of constantly fighting to have my health and struggles acknowledge#i kinda just gave up and now i'm just mindlessly sitting there at the appointments for only 10 minutes being being told that i can leave#I've just been run in circles for way too long#and i get aggresively criticised every time i use advice and seek for help on the Internet. by the same doctors who don't give me ANY advic#or help#and my head has been pounding for two days#and my verbal ticks have gotten so bad that it genuinely gets hard to breathe sometimes#with a therapist that just made me talk in circles and lowkey criticised me for two hours#(this was our first real therapy meeting and they're supposed to only be 1 hour and are NOT reimbursed because the autism center will NOT#fucking answer to ANYONE. medical professional or not. so i had to go private 😃👍)#and the only thing she gave me at the end of those 2 hours was this schedule that I'm not allowed to bend#I've been trying to daydream about my AUs and develope them as usual to try to feel better#but now that i have time to draw. i just get more and more drawing ideas that keep pilling up and tear me apart from the inside because i#can't draw any of them thanks to this damn fatigue#i literally only did 1 af revenge and still need to do 3 more. and i genuinely don't know if I'll manage to do that#i told two friends that ill draw something for them. but nothing. because too tired and everything keeps slipping from my mind#i will daydream about Dimentio for hours straight. then forget that i did. and panic that the fixation is slipping because i “haven't#thought about him in a while“. ”a while“ was 40 seconds ago. I'm not exaggerating this keeps happening#i also keep spending the night DRENCHED in sweat because i just can't sleep without my blanket on me anymore. so more struggles#vent#negative
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It's insane how most of the time I don't get how ppl interact and I also Don't Fucking Care
#vent ig#i wish i could#but unfortunately i havent had the occasion of sharing one of my interest with you in the past three months and when i did it didnt go as i#wanted and now we're supposed to talk through smalltalks except i dont know how to do those so im awkward as hell and unconsciously cut the#short and now im being hated (?) even tho that wasnt my intent#but i guess no matter how trustful i am i just look like a liar#and i cant even bring myself to care bc how am i supposed to explain myself when youre convinced what i say is a lie#we werent even supposed to be this close so sorry if im stiff. i tried to get along but i just cant#the never ending circle between 'i want to have ppl to interact with being alone to experience this world is exhausting and dreadful' and#'im not even remotely interested by any of you'#its different on tumblr bc i can curate my own experience & nobody comes @ me when i dont interact with them for days or weeks (BC IVE GOT#NOTHING TO SAY) and its okay and its normal and we dont have to do the 'hi how are you wyd' script every single time (sure we can check up#on each other once in a while but it doesnt become a script. it feels genuine.)#anyway. im so normal. i can def care about ppl that have never been as insane as me about something we both love(d at some point)#am pretty sure i developed 'i perceived you saying/thinking One(1) bad thing about me and now i dont care at all about your existence' as#a child as a coping mechanism but goddammit i feel like an asshole everytime it happened#i hate feeling apathetic#and i hate lying too so i cant just say shit to reassure them when i dont mean them#cant tell them im sorry about how my behavior is perceived when im so damn tired and would rather they disappear of my life
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AUUUUUUGH! I miss my little guy your honor!! I miss him so damn much!!!
#pan rambles#I've been listening to some songs and AUGH...#Sorry for bringing up the original story me and 2 close pals of mine have made again but AUGH#I MISS MY LITTLE GUYYYY#The way that despite everything he stays kind...#How being the Hero and Saving the World is cool and all#but what his real motivation for starting his journey is wanting to create a world that was safe for his family#How deeply he cares about his younger siblings and mother and how being apart from them hurts from time to time#How in one ending he achieves his goal of creating a safe world for his family#at the cost of watching all the friends he met across his journey die#He won and was called a hero but at the cost at becoming a shell of his former self#How his mother and siblings saw him leave with a smile on his face and coming back with a dead look in his eyes. How he looked so exhausted#How in another ending he achieves the same goal and even creates a world where the Villain got to live a better life#but this time at the cost of his life and memories. Specifically everyone's memories of him-#He got what he wanted and no one will remember him#And then there's the good ending <3#Anyways yeah sorry I just needed to ramble a bit about my little guy-afksnfkdn He's so special to me <3#no amount of s/i angst will ever top what I've made my little guy go through
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there is truly something in the air abt getting my first hate comment on breaking patterns/mending threads two years after i finished writing it, and that it happens to be during one of the worst periods of my life
#don't even know what to tag this as#it's not personal bc arguably it's what this blog is for in the first place#but i don't want it showing up in my fandom tags#i don't even want to mention the comment itself bc it's not on them for being upset that i ended it the way i did#but there is something so triggering abt phrasing it as being 'disgusted'#about something very emotional that i honestly relate more to today than i did when i wrote it#if it feels like that whole fic was a projection of certain emotions#it probably was#a dissection of what i write about vs my personal life draws very clear emotional similarities#i've grown a tough skin abt legitimate criticisms on my writing#in fact i genuinely like being told the ways in which my writing is shit#so that i can improve it#but something abt this being abt the fic being too depressing#and having hope but not necessarily happiness#and having that relate to disgust abt the way i presented something that contains emotions that i have felt#and continue to feel bc life is a fucking nightmare and yeah i relate to the impoverished fucking asshole with the desire for affection#it's exhausting to experience this sort of thing even in a fandom space#where expressing my feelings is still not realistic or palatable enough#i get that people have triggers but i put trigger warnings in every single chapter#and you can't put a trigger warning in a comment#or know that i'm having a particularly bad time#it just reminds me why i stopped actively participating in fandom anyway#like i said. triggering
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Physically, I'm already lying down.
Emotionally, I feel like I need to find a soft spot and crumple dramatically to the ground and lay down for a few weeks.
#sonder speaks#personal#but also if I wasn't fine with this being read/reblogged without context I wouldn't have posted it here#this week has been exhausting#I feel like I need permission from someone to go crawl into a nest and cry#one of my budgies died a few days ago#but I was looking after other animals that normally have a more dedicated caretaker#which was hard enough to handle that I couldn't really mourn my budgie much#especially when I need to keep happy around the remaining one so he doesn't grieve or get lonely#and I had to do a few specific tasks that are really really hard on me because nobody was there to help#and I tried to help my sister with things but none of the things worked#and a plan our family is excited about started to hit roadblocks#and one member of the family had a meltdown that triggered trauma in others in the family and drove things downhill#the family members at the center of this meltdown normally help me with chores and animal care#I was looking forward to them being home so I could rest and recuperatr and mourn#and now the meltdown has followed them here and it's built on top of years of other meltdowns and everything is tense#and of course it's bringing up old traumas and expectations and fears for me too#and I end up as a 30 year old feeling like he has 16 year old problems again#my whole body is tense#I'm not tired enough to sleep#I almost feel like crying for my budgie and all my fears and the things I let mysrlf get excited for#the things that either won't happen at all or are tainted by this veil of persistent bitterness that followed them home to me#almost#but I fear the possibility that crying could make things worse in any capacity#and I've struggled to cry for years anyway#so I'm just trying to use therapy tools to quiet the spiraling thoughts#and making this post because it feels like journaling without the pitfalls I fall into while journaling or talking directly to a person#hoping I'll get enough sleep that I don't accidentally trigger a sleep-deprivation/stress seizure my meds can't stop#and tomorrow I have to get back to studying which is very hard for me but gets me closer to making money#I liked when things were mostly good and calm and just sucked on a passive level -- can I have that again?
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I never finished the telephone club stuff in 0 until today (currently replaying 0, trying to 100% the game) and like. actually. what the fuck was up with the bad-end telephone club dates. like. not even exaggerating, completely unironically, it is fully implied that kiryu got fucking raped. multiple times. as a joke. that’s absolutely fucking wild
#it’s so fucking jarring#I mean kiryu is sexually assaulted all the damn time (mostly by women#because he’s a man so it’s okay :) ) but this is like. full-on implied rape.#unclear what kind in particular but that’s really unimportant#it literally gets to the point where after one of them- a woman old enough to be his mom (mind you he is hardly even legal and definitely#not at the maturity of most 20 year olds in this area) forcibly takes him to a hotel and the next thing we see is him outside that hotel#with his health bar completely depleted keeled over like he’s exhausted and in physical pain/discomfort#muttering to himself ‘that didn’t happen. that didn’t happen.’#like#this was?? played off like any other end-of-substory comedic moment#bitch that wasn’t funny at all that was actually the most disturbing non-storyline scene ive seen in this entire game#he is straight up traumatized from being physically and sexually assaulted by someone twice his age and just has to shove it in the back of#his head and hope he forgets about it somehow because. well. he’s a man.#like wow we’re really just. gonna glide over that one huh#fucking christ dude#I seriously wonder how much that shit has haunted him and damaged his perception of physical affection/etc#anyway this is gonna linger in my head for a while#kiryu#rambling#yakuza 0#y0#kazuma kiryu#cw sa mention#cw sa
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Day Five -> July 20th: Role Swap, Secrets, Trust
Read More For (Very Tame) Nakey Ladies (Coriane Jacos/Elara Merandus)
I, your best kept secret,
Whisper into your shadows
With heated breaths, gentle sighs.
You, my best kept secret,
Moan as I enter
Eyes roll back, muffled cries
-Onur Taşkiran
#I did a much more realistic style so you cant tell who is who#but Top is Elara and Bottom is Cori#Coriara#coriane jacos#elara merandus#red queen#rq#rq series#rq rare pair week#I dont know how to tag 18 + art without being smited. so hopefully this is fine#Also. Little backstory. I think in this one Cori and Elara have been involved *wink* for a while. but Cori just announced that Tibe has-#-proposed to her. And they get into not quite a fight over whether she should accept. Elara says she should since it would be good for her-#and Cori is like nooo. I'm not betraying you like that#anyways somehow they end up naked <3#I have had the worst week btw. So I had neither the will nor energy to ruin this piece by coloring or shading it.#If you want to color it go off#One day I might go back and shade it or even color it#I did do a whole other draft btw that had much more exposed that I thought about doing but sounded exhausting erjkgkjergn
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