#some dont have the C in the PTSD but they all got it

[kingtuna]

"C-PTSD? Heh, no. CT-PTSD"

*laughs histerically as The HorrorsTM reflect in their eyes*

–every single clone ever

[lubrumalis]

ghost character analysis

tw: spoilers from ghost mw2 comics, nsfw, dead dove do not eat, mature content.

this is pretty much a part 2 to ghost headcanons except with more lore and analysis (im still not sure if reboot ghost has the same backstory as the og ghost).

ghost is not a cold, calculated, ruthless man. maybe in a separate au or something, but theres a huge difference between ghost and simon riley. in fact, we need to understand that the reason he even chose ghost as a new name for himself is because of all that's happened to him. his family got killed, he got tortured by roba, and had to eliminate many men on his own. before that he was simon, not ghost. in the comic he literally calls the child hostages he was saving ‘sweetheart’ and ‘love’. hes not that mean and cold yall

we know that PTSD does shit to it's victims, ghost lost his entire family and had no one. think of it as a coping mechanism to have a new name to be known as.

ghost is a ruthless killer. simon is just some guy.

ghost sets himself to an incredibly high standard of discipline. i think it's intuitive that military boys will need to be punctual and organized to some degree, but ghost takes this to a whole other level. considering his father's abusive behavior (explained by his disturbing statements said to simon, is a drug addict, and beats simons mom) his home life was likely chaotic as a child.

in the mw2: ghost comic (issue #3) it specifically stated the following: "discipline, precision, control. these are what riley built his whole life on. break those down and the dark stuff begins to ooze out..." again, this is probably a form of trauma response to his childhood.

so what does this lead to? well firstly, this probably means his room is incredibly tidy and organized (monotone design i know :,c).

would never in his life touch drugs. this is a promise he made to himself.

also kinda proves that ghost aint a reckless guy. he thinks things through before doing it.

ghost isn’t that hypersexual. theres no way of knowing his history with women, but i like to think ghost is not that horny 24/7 and needs a fuckbuddy. in the mw2 comic, he was on a mission and was in an area full of prostitutes (wasn’t actively on duty, but on his way) when they tried to hit on him he politely rejects one of them, and later tells them to fuck off😀 so yea contrary to popular belief i dont think he really enjoys one night stands or the idea of being entertained by random women. in fact, i hc he might actually be a virgin or just have a really low body count.

ghost is a feminist!😁 (misandrist too). ok let me reword that, ghost doesnt like men and respects women. one of the reasons why he doesn’t want to be around prostitutes and do one night stands (his father killed a hooker in front of him, very traumatic) is because he thinks the concept of quick, casual sex is not good for society and dilutes the value of meaningful relationships. but also, remember the discipline, precision, control thing? its apart of his principle. but also, in the comic, sparks (soldier he worked with) knocked out and attempted to rape a woman, ghosts literally looked disgusted and called the police (also why he’d never do that himself, i dont get the hcs that say he does). ghosts seen how his dad treated his mom and absolutely hates abusers. anyways onto misandry—i think ghost internally thinks men are violent and disgusting (ghosts would choose the bear over the man, even though hes a man) mainly because throughout his military career majority of the bad stuff hes seen was done by men, so hes much more relaxed in a room of women vs man. ghost thinks his dad is the epitome of pure evil (canon! he said this to his therapist). this doesn’t mean hes scared or hates all men tho!

ghost isn’t close with tf141… including soap. now before you attack me let me explain. sure, he trusts them to some degree, but i dont think they naturally just hangout when they’re not deployed. in the end we need to understand they are SAS soldiers, they are working a real job that mainly consists of them shooting and dismantling others. considering ghosts betrayal in the past (in the comic, a few soldiers ghost previously worked with killed his entire family 😢) he isn’t gonna just trust his teammates because theyre his teammates. im also pretty sure they all live in different cities while not deployed. tf141 probably all want to separate their job from their personal lives, which includes each other. but onto soap, i dont think him and ghost have a deep brotherly relationship. but i think they care about each other, but exchanging some dad jokes and bantering doesn’t mean they’re suddenly soulmates or brothers. think about it… you and you’re co worker joke around sometimes, never hangout outside of work, and now people are shipping you and calling the two of you besties. makes no sense.

ghost is extremely patriotic. in the comic (i reference this way too much but theres SOOO MUCH LORE i recommend reading it) ghost tells his teammates the reason for joining the military: queen and country, right after 9/11. he also said “the world has changed”. interestingly enough army enlistment did actually skyrocketed after 9/11 attacks, ghost was among them. he probably thought ww3 was about to happen, or that ‘theres no more peace’ or whatever. i hc being obsessed with soccer too lmao and getting mad if english teams dont win. also his playful banter with johnny “get us a tea?”. probably very proud of his british heritage.

ghost doesn’t have much friends. hes a really, reallyyyyy lonely guy. i hc him as an introvert in the first place, but trust issues make this worse. in the comic, he was literally in the newspaper for killing his family and then killing himself (he didnt, he was framed that way tho) so its likely most of his formers friends probably think hes dead. ghost likely got some sort of amnesty or exemption from the military after knowing he didn’t actually kill his family, but whats in the news stays true to the public. even if he does have friends he probably doesn’t share feelings with them or form a long term bond.

ghost is extremely cynical. this is obvious tbh, but i think ghost believes hes going to die in the middle of a battlefield, shot or stabbed, a painful death, body left to rot for weeks, and no one to remember him. just like that. and he accepts that fact too.

ghost isn’t a picky eater. growing up in an abusive household where his parents couldn’t hold a stable job, he had to eat what there was. some days he settles for cheap beans and toast and when people call him out for it, he tells em to fuck off😀

ghost is emotionally fucked up, probably kind of depressed. i mean this guys been through hell: got sa’d, buried alive, had to dig through underground dirt and worms with a jawbone, tortured in horrible ways, had his entire family killed, abusive dad, and the weight of his grey morales because he killed lots of people as a soldier. wow! would you look at that list, itd be more strange if he wasn’t emotionally fucked up after was has happened😅. even when tortured, seeing his family dead, ghost was never shown to have cried in the comic. i hc hes emotionally numb. however, i do think hes emotionally MATURE and able to communicate his emotions, but hes still emotionally fucked. for example a scene where he was talking about his experience with roba (guy who tortured ghost) and ghosts father to a therapist. i think ghosts may be traumatized, but this doesn’t stop him from attempting to get help and communicating how he feels and thinks about this world.

ghost wears a mask... not because hes insecure and traumatized it's to separate ghost from simon riley. first of all he learned the consequences of revealing your identity during deployment, in the comic, he reveals his face in missions before his family got killed. i think he wears a mask because 1) its practical, no one knows who he is, 2) an analogy for himself to remind him simon riley, his original identity, was dead the moment his family was murdered, this SAS soldier with a skull mask is GHOST (yes this is canon, ghost references in the comic!).

in issue #1 while some kids were being held hostage, he starts telling his life story to them to calm them down/distract them from the bad situation. this is his explanation to why he wears a skull mask, word by word: "I bet you're wondering why I wear these bones on my face. It's a tribute to an old friend of mine. He's dead now, but man if he wasn't the baddest motherfucker on the planet."

in issue #6, when ghost was trekking through a jungle in the middle of nowhere attempting to kill roba (a drug lord that started this all, brainwashed soldiers to kill ghosts family), he was never caught. ghost himself, the narrator, says that "even for a single man to get through the jungle, the patrols, the wall, the security... well that man would have to be a ghost."

however, im still a little confused whether or not reboot ghost and 2009 have the same backstories. reboot ghosts mask is more realistic and his look is much more intimidating, his reason for wearing that kind of mask is probably psychological warfare (getting milena the financier to speak up about makarov). i think 2009 ghosts reason to wearing a mask is more personal compared to reboot.

BUT WHAT ABOUT AN S/O???

i think ghost is the guy to not have one in the first place. obviously. but i lowkey think if he had one and really liked them, he would commit. in fact i find it hard to imagine hes a player or isn’t serious about relationships. when his brother tommy got addicted to drugs and fucked up his life, simon quit the military until tommy got 100% better and married. yup. he stayed to help him recover, for years. thats how loving and committed this man is🥹🥹.

ghost would not cheat on his s/o. i can't stress how important this hc is, because it's so out of character for him to do so. sure, guys in the military statistically have higher divorce rates, incidences of infidelity, and much more red flag stuff, but knowing what happened to him, he would never do that. doesn't matter how stressed, lonely, sexually frustrated this man is; he would not cheat on his partner. this guy has been through far more stressful situations and got through it, you think hes gonna cheat because hes stressed because of work?

its not sunshine and rainbows or absolute toxicity being with him. it's not really a mix of both either. ghost isn't that princess treatment, super squishy and cuddly, sweet guy who likes fluffy stuff. he definitely isn't the toxic guy who leaves you with mixed signals either.

hes quite the gentleman when it comes to approaching relationships, hes seen how his dad treated his mom, and ghost wants to do the exact opposite. i believe ghost likes to use the traditional courting methods when dating someone: gifting flowers, paying for dates, holding the door open (ladies first typa guy!!), the old fashioned stuff. idk if i should point it out again but this guy DOES NOT FW modern dating practices, he wouldn't download dating apps, or start 'talking stages'. i dont think he would write love letters just because hes not very good at writing poetry or expressing his feelings in the first place.

theres still downsides to being with him. the long distance, the time being apart (months and months). but i dont think he'd go as far as being emotionally avoidant.

also something really random ive noticed is that 2009 and reboot ghost are very different, personality wise. i like to think that 2009 ghost represents simon riley much better, but the reboot ghost actually gives the essence and character of what a 'ghost' in the military is.

more random headcanons:

simon prefers dogs over cats because dogs are loyal and stay with you until the end (stereotypically)

hates snakes and spiders

probably wouldn’t do 50/50 on dates, he pays!

avoids saying manchester slang when deployed

drinks and smokes. not always. he’s disciplined but he still does that stuff.. hes a british guy in his 30s whos kinda depressed, grew up with adults around him smoking 24/7, whatd you think😀😀 (its canon that most of tf141 smoke anyway)

listens to 80’s rock music. its canon that his mom enjoys the band siouxsie and the banshees :)), he probs does too

shaves his beard

is actually confident hes not bad looking. dude, hes 6’2, in shape with a jawline🙄

i don't enjoy hcs of ghost being the scariest out of tf141 (appearance wise yes). but soap seems much more scary imo, he was the youngest guy to pass SAS selections in the history of the UK military, and was nicknamed soap because of fast and good he is at cleaning up 'messes' (basically killing people).

id arguably say ghost is the most compassionate out of 141, if we're talking about the OG 2009 one.

[atley01]

Tips for all of my alternative & Chronically ill/ disabled friends!

A big thing that's helped me feel more comfortable accommodating my disability is finding accessibility tools that reflect my personality / interests.

I should put a disclaimer that making disability "aesthetic" should not be the most important thing about your health! I do this where I can to help me accept my disability.

Here are some alt accessibility tools I've found / made & utilized for myself!

1. If you're prone to nausea:

Anti-nausea meds work, but I also find that peppermints work just as well! I always have mints on me. At home, I've stored them in this coffin container!

I do keep a few of these mints in my bag, as well as ginger hard candies (they taste very strong, but are VERY efficient). I got the peppermints at Dollar tree, and they've genuinely been a life saver.

Alternatively, I've found this adorable ouija board altoids container that has mints in it!

The mints are even fun-shaped! I also saw other horror-movie themed altoid containers in-store as well. Since they're tiny, they dont work well for severe nausea, but they are still helpful!

2. If you struggle with temperature-regulation:

For me, my hands and feet are always FREEZING, but my core will be super warm. What has helped me a lot has been gloves and fuzzy socks!

I have a lot of spooky gloves like this, but I prefer the fingerless ones because I can still use my phone and be warm at the same time! I've also heard my friends who are wheelchair users say gloves can help protect your hands if you use a manual wheelchair. Another added bonus is that certain gloves can help limit mobility for those of you who struggle with hypermobility in your hands.

3. Do you have noise-canceling headphones? Decorate them!

I decorated my N/C headphones in shark stickers because sharks are my special interest!

These are Soundcore Life Q30's. I have gotten compliments on the stickers many times! You could put halloween stickers on yours or decorate your headphones in other ways! I've seen people crochet horns onto the headband portion of their headphones.

4. I would recommend any chronically ill person carry a cup around to stay hydrated:

ESPECIALLY If you need electrolytes. You can either have a drink like propel or powerade in your cup (or any drink of your choice, and you could put electrolyte packets in there).

This specific cup isn't the best at keeping my drink cold, but it holds a decent amount of liquid! And it's spooky. If you're someone who struggles to drink enough water, I've found that getting a fun cup helps me a lot!

5. Make communication bracelets!

If I'm having a difficult time voicing my needs, or I'm in a verbal shutdown, these bracelets can come in handy for me.

I'll either wear them on my wrist when needed or present them to my friends so they can read the bracelet and understand what I need. I keep them on a keychain that way I dont lose them and can transport them easily. An example of some of the phrases I've turned into bracelets is; "No spoons," "spoon debt," "verbal shutdown," and "flashbacks," (for when I'm having a PTSD episode.) You could make a bracelet with the medical condition you have as a DIY medical-alert bracelet. I added tiny spoon charms to some of my bracelets because I thought it was funny.

5. Mobility aids!

Decorate your mobility aids with things like stickers, kandi, lights, etc! Pinterest, instagram, and tiktok have a lot of good ideas. You can easily customize your mobility aids to look spooky or look however you want them to!

6. Bags!

I know that for me, I NEED to carry a bag around whenever I go out because it has important medical items that I need, but it also keeps all my important items like keys, id, ect, in one spot so that I dont forget / lose them. SOME spooky bags are expensive, but you could find a plain black bag at a thrift store or walmart and accessorize it with patches, keychains, and pins! I've seen people paint designs onto their bags before as well.

• You dont have to spend a lot of money on your accessibility tools!

Find ways to DIY them, or get them secondhand! You could even try working with household items you already have! A lot of these items, or items very similar to it, can be found at the dollar tree - even the materials needed to make the beaded bracelets! (Outside of the spoon charms)

Thats all!

If I think of more, you'll see me again! Be spooky, and be kind to yourself!

[animentality]

This is in response to an ancient ask from around 2018 so feel free to ignore it. I found that post about fandom discourse on your account and found out the sh/eith asks on your blog. So here's some clarification about it.

The majority of the bullying and harassment in the fandom was done by kl shippers, specifically the antis and the normal kl fans got caught in the crossfire. I dont know what hunty did but a major reason why they were on the kl hit list was because they were actively compiling all the harassment and vile behaviour of the fandom (regardless of the ship of choice). This doesn't absolve any harm done by sk shippers definitely but there is a big gap between the severity of bad behaviour on both sides.

The kl fans told a gay man (David Gaider) that he was a pedophile for liking sk and tried to get him fired. Harassed a non binary lesbian who worked on the show and painting her as predator and threatening to hurt her till she stopped wanting to appear at panels, threatening a voice actor's children to the point that he had to start reporting people, and the continued and absolutely vile treatment of Lauren Montgomery for 2 whole years at every perceived slight to their golden by.

The reason kl fans were called delusional by some was because they made several really bad reaches like writing entire manifestos about why kl would be canon and calling it a bible and a testament despite the show runners repeatedly saying it was never on the table and it boiling down to head canons. Insisting that every a/llurance interaction was secretly about kl and insisting every sk interaction was platonic but then redrawing those exact same scenes as kl. Insisting that Kihyun's Keith groping Shiro's tiddy art is brotherly. Telling gay men that that using words like brother or family for your crush when you don't fully understand your feelings means they have psychosexual problems and have an incest fetish then turning around and insisting that C/atradora, another ship popular with kls was actually just the lesbian experience since they were actually raised as sisters. Outside of that there was sending sk shippers gore and cp and telling one they should have died from their cancer.

As for the ages and the sk age discourse, the backstory was revealed in season 7, in season 1 the characters were introduced as 5 teenagers in space meeting aliens, which included Shiro. Now considering Shiro has always looked like an older guy even when he was a teen in the original series people went with it, even those who didnt usually read him as an older teen. Later Keith came back about 2 years older while Lance was still 17 so they started insisting that Keith was mentally stunted and therefore still a "baby adult" at about 20. This was because back when people said Shiro could be 18-19-20 that Keith being 17 is still weird. But kl fans started insisting that all ptsd sufferers were inherently abusive in relationships and that he had "scrambled eggs for brains". They also insisted that he could only be shipped with Allura who was an adult according to them. in season 2 a non canon book was released that said Keith was 18 at the start of the series and Shiro was 25. Unless people were obsessively looking at this stuff you wouldn't know that. Later Allura's va made a reference to Allura dealing with trauma like an average teen which instantly had kls throwing shiro/allura fans under the bus. Also note that they were very against lotor/lance and harassed the shippers within a week of the ship becoming a thing. Basically every ship outside of kl involving these two became problematic in one way or another, sk and a/llurance taking the worst hits. By the end of season 6 kls had their chats leaked discussing their fears of sk becoming canon and needing to cope by rereading the kl manifestos and doubling down on harassing the sk and a/llurance shippers. By this point Lauren Montomery had already liked fanart of shiro and keith making out (s2), Barlee had liked art of them snuggled up (s3), the famous "Shiro loves you baby, he's looking at keith" art had already been posted by Chirs palmer (s1), Josh Keaten had already coined the ship name (s1), Kihyun Ryu was drawing Keith groping Shiro (s6) and Bex had already made several jokes about Shiro and Keith being a couple (s1-7). At this point kl fans started harassing the staff directly and calling them predatory, after their infamous attempt at blackmailing them to make kl canon didn't work. They would change their approved non ship questions during panels to put the staff on the spot, they recorded Jeremy Shada without his consent for a scrap of kl evidence, they posted videos of children forcing them to watch vld, they posted uncensored pics of two classmates (minors) for wearing blue and red, as well as of their very very small students because they were kl coded, they spammed Jeremy Shada's posts with his gf insisting its uncomfortable cuz they look like siblings and how he should date Keith's va instead (a married man btw), they then proceeded to harass Shada when he lost his cool and ranted about the behavior of kl fans in a panel calling him awful things. They told csa survivors that they should be ashamed of liking a ship.

In a later panel for season 6 Josh Hamilton flat out said that sk were in no way related and JDS said that people would come out of the show either thinking they were together or thinking they are just bros hinting at some degree of ambiguity. It was only in season 7 after much of the thing was over that we saw their backstory, the pics that are used to harass shippers. By this point most sk shippers had a completely different backstory for them and those who shipped them from before didn't ship them in this variation of canon. He was also dating someone else during this period anyway.

As for why people ever started shipping sk in the first place, its because Bex made two snapchat posts about the very first episode refering to Shiro being Keith's true love and Shiro bringing the kids (the other three paladins) to his and Keith's date night. Mind you, both Josh Keaten and Bex were actively harassed for saying that sheith was a perfectly normal and healthy ship.

TLDR: The vld show had no show bible and the ages were never elaborated on, people didn't know shit about how sk met and a lot of the narrative is made up head canons being pushed as facts. Majority of the claims against sk shippers is revisionism that was done by antis and these things can be proven with all the records and screenshots maintained by hunty and several other blogs. That being said there were assholes in all ships, even the ones that insist they were unproblematic and innocent.

Jesus Christ.

maybe I take it back, maybe shippers are worse than power scalers.

Lord Almighty.

the Voltron fandom was fucking insane.

was it the beginning of this "two years of age difference is pedophilia" discourse too???

like.

for fucks sake.

it's just a cartoon.

they're not real.

omg they're very not real.

chill out.

thanks for sending this anon, I actually found it fascinating to read.

ships really aren't this serious. you just like whatever you like, man.

I wonder how angry the klance shippers were when allurance became a thing.

[kanatashinkaifr]

going to talk abt obey me and how they are all extremely neurodivergent!!! gonna go through my thoughts on each characters who stands out to me in one way or another.

Lucifer- he has NPD. dont even try to argue with me about this. from the way he holds himself to an extremely high standard to how hes LITERALLY the avatar of pride, hes just a total narc and I love him dearly. I also consider him to be autistic. half bcuz he shows some signs half bcuz I'm autistic and love projecting onto characters. I think that the way he is so strict and finds being on time so important is extremely autistic of him. he follows a very specific routine, and if said routine is messed with, he is unapproachable for atleast the rest of the day. this is shown in likee late lesson 24 or early lesson 25 I forget. he also has issues with emotions. both showing and I think even identifying them. autistic man. ALSO ptsd. duh.

mammon: adhd. he has adhd. he doesnt have npd, HOWEVER, he totally shows symptoms. he acts like hes on top of the world but the second a minor inconvenience happens he is just. reduced to nothing. I also like the hc of him being dyslexic.

levi: AUTISM AUTISM AUTISM!!! yeah that ones obvious like extremely obvious. stg autism runs into the family or smth cuz it feels like mammon and asmo are the only allistics in that mf house. dont need to explain why Levi is autistic. its obvious. if you really need an explanation just ask. but I also think he has severe social anxiety. like to the point that he gets extremely sick at the thought of social interaction. over the years, and with lots of trial and error medication, he can sort of deal with it now. still freaks him out though.

Satan: I think he takes after his father. like. A LOT. he is so npd and so autistic. I think that he really prides himself on his smarts but like. if he were to fail/get an average mark on a test (especially if lucifer got a high mark) he would disintegrate out of pure self hatred. if lucifer is better than him in any academic topic, you can practically feel the envy and rage coming from him. lucifer understands how he feels, and always tries to help him with his npd issues, but that just upsets him tenfold. "you think that *I* need *YOUR* help??? disgusting!". he has such issues I love him so much. not much to comment on his autism. also quite obvious, especially in nightbringer.

Asmo- I KNOW SO MANY PEOPLE THINK ASMO HAS NPD AND LIKE I GET THE IDEA BUT NO. HE HAS HPD AND I WILL FIGHT TOOTH AND NAIL OVER THAT HC.

beel: autism. binge eating disorder. ptsd.

belphie: autism. BPD!!!!! B!! P!!! D!!!!!!!! I will scream it from the roof tops THAT MAN HAD BPD IDC WHAT YOU SAY!! impulsivity (especially when angry), unstable relations (mostly hc), uncontrolled anger, chronic emptiness (hc), self destructiveness, fear of abandonment. you look into the DSM-5 and there is a picture of him there. I think that. he might have PTSD too.

diavolo: autism. I dont care what anyone says I think he is an autistic woman who was just forced into masking. c-ptsd due to mainly emotional neglect.

solomon: autism. no canon reason to support this I'm just projecting. c-ptsd. he has very complicated feeling surrounding loneliness and abandonment due to his childhood.

simeon: autism. C-PTSD!!!!!!! I think that. there wasnt nessacarily anything that could generally be considered traumatizing. but a lot of things in his early days were extremely stressful for him. I think that hes always questioned the word of God just a bit. he made sure nobody ever found out, but he always had doubt within him. this has always eaten at him, as he is supposed to be an angel. Angel's do not doubt the word of their father,, so, why does he?

ermm okay I think that's. enough ranting for today...

[twsthc]

scarabia angst headcanons 🌞💔

⚠️ warnings: food anxiety, self destructive behavior, possible OCD triggers, kalim

last updated: july 30, 2023

KALIM AL-ASIM 🦦

has C-PTSD from the constant threat of death

mostly gets nightmares, flashbacks, anxious, etc of when he was poisoned and kidnapped or when jamil was poisoned "for" him

has coughed up blood, has seen jamil cough up blood

really tries to hide how much it still gets him so he doesnt worry anyone

super light sleeper. a cockroach tap the wall and his eyes would fly open

has food anxiety

needs someone to test the food before he does, or he needs to know jamil prepared it or he wont eat it

after his first time getting poisoned he wouldnt eat jamils cooking either

after jamil's OB, he stopped cooking and contacting kalim and things really spiraled out of control

stopped eating/drinking anything until he was forced to

was literally bmi 0.001 until a teacher had to step in and force some goat cheese down his throat

parents would pay for material items for their kids but not therapy

i think kalim might have done some crazy shit to make his parents notice him out of the quintillion other kids they have

also he was raised by servants instead of his own mother

because of all this Mental Illness (specifically C-PTSD) he does get panic attacks, as one with anxiety disorders does

he uses pain to ground himself in stressful moments (mostly his nails)

digs them into his palms or thighs, whatever hes closer to

or he scratches himself until he refocuses

got especially bad after jamils ob. imagine the person who kept u safe and basically raising u coming out and saying he secretly hated u

me personally i would kms

probably cries himself to sleep

type of fellow to be super happy one moment then hear a sad/soft song then become svicidal (me when im having a great day then hear any song by Lamp)

JAMIL VIPER 🐍

fully believe jamil has NPD

after growing up in an environment where he was put behind everyone else, his brain desperately needed to be put first

its really hard to find good symptoms of this disorder without seeing bullshit like "10 signs your partner is a narcissist" omfg

some ACTUAL symptoms of a narcassistic disorder (for jamil):

he has poor coping skills, often projects his anger onto others, has trouble maintaining relationships, often requires praise or he might feel obsolete/depressed

too good at hiding his feelings even in shitty situations

has boiling anger issues but is able to keep them repressed (at his own cost)

after his OB, he distanced himself from kalim to process

after 2-ish weeks, they talked it out and set some boundaries

the first week jamil didnt force-wake kalim up, kalim was consistently late to all her earlier classes and struggled a shit ton with work loads

she couldnt even pick out her own outfits without jamil going "that ones fine, now hurry up" every few seconds

had to establish that kalim needed to learn how to live without jamils coddling

kalim agreed ofc but still felt a little lonely without her usual schedule

also has anxiety from being poisoned, and still has lingering memories of being so worried when kalim was kidnapped

i also think jamil has OCD :3

"if i dont do ABC then kalim with XYZ"

has other impulses (flicking lights on and off, needing to feel "even" on both sides)

i hope someone w ocd reads this and understands wtf im talking about

when someone steps on your foot so you have to step on the other one or youll throw up because you dont feel the same amount of pain on both sides

[silliest-fckindumbboy]

🪦Consider this blog a TW in & of itself🪦

🩸My coining blog is @fckindumbboy-coins Requests are always open!!!🩸

🫀This will be a mix of RQ & para stuff! Its my safe space! I will like & reblog what I choose!🫀

🪦Block/ ignore dont report, I'm just trying to find safe community & without that, so many of us are in danger!🪦

🩸If you arent harming anyone unwilling to be harmed, do it up, bby; pro-consent🩸

🦷 Im Jynx

🔪 The body is 26; Agefluid, multiage- mainly nepedage and traumatot, but I also sometimes linger around the body's age

🦷 Agender, transmasc, boycunt, periboy, offboy, bordergender

🔪 Polyromantic, hyperromantic

🦷 Polysensual, polarsensual, hypersensual [unless touch-repulsed due to fatigue, low energy, sensory overload, etc.]

🔪 Greyace, hypersexual

🦷 Ductuaffectis, Alteraffectis

🔪 It/he/pup/puppy/clown/honk/rot/ick/demon/rat; I may also use plural pronouns on occasion

🦷 Married, poly

🔪 Ask me anything about anything!

🪦My tags:

fckindumbboy - anything thats mine

boybarx - anytime I comment/post/talk about anything/share my opinions

shøwøff - my pictures

boycoins - coining/flags

Papa♡ - anything to do with my Papa or my relationship

boyIDs- my hoard/IDs or terms I like (reblogs only- not my OGs)🪦

🫀On sys: I'm [Jynx] the current host of a DID system~ Pls keep in mind that, due to the nature of plurality, I may post things or reblog things that I dont typically post, agree with, or that I forget later on. Some alters MAY make themselves known, they may not, thats up to them to decide not me.🫀

🪦Paras & Kinks: LOTS! Obsessed with everything abuse, gore, pain, blood, cannibalism, & death! 3/3, get over it, youre not the thought police. I sexualize & extort my own trauma & mental illness~ Theres wwwwaaaaayyyyyyy more! Consang🪦

🫀SickSickSick: DID, BPD, DPDR, schizoaffective bipolar type, OCD, agoraphobia, C-PTSD, substance use disorder [recovering & hating every second], BED w/ anorexic & bulimic tendencies, GAD/ panic disorder, PNES, mild TBI, CI

We got the 'tism

ICT survivor

I have so much trauma, & always happy to share & talk about it [for anyone!] (I'm cisharmed, cisgroomed, cisabused, cisICTsurvivor, cistortured, cisSA/CSA, cisraped.. etc.)

Chronically ill & physically disabled!🫀

🪦I AM a radqueer! Get outta here if you cant deal with that! Im super duper inclusive & believe everyone has a right to be themselves (even if I may not agree with them!) I have absolutely no room in my life, my heart, or my safe space for hate, drama, or discourse!!! Im also a [REDACTED]queer! I value privacy & non-disclosure of stances or other information, I think everyone has a right to discretion & safety within the community & elsewhere. My business is no one's business unless I say so- no one's business is my business unless they say so. All information, conversation, etc. with me is strictly confidential. I dont believe in call outs or other forms of non-consenual information disclosure. 🪦

🫀Identities: Transclownspecies, puppykin, trauma-born demon, irl yandere, transHoH/transDeaf, real vampire [hybrid- sang & psi], DemiDead, DemiRot, Traumatot, permapuppy, permadissociated, permalockdown, permasick, devotabled, translabrat, ratkin 🫀

🪦MUDs: Unhealthy Relation-Victim Disorder, Glitching Mind Disorder, Plural Dysphoric Disorder, Imminent Death Disorder, Temporal Perception Distortion Syndrome🪦

🩸I BLOCK FREELY🩸

Anons: ⚙���, ☀️, bitey, 🐶🎉, 🕯, :3, 🍇

[thesoleilla]

okay this is a long and specific request (sry just a random thought)

Dazai X Reader (with teleportation ability)

background story

Y/N (16 at the time) was a half time worker at the ada but was very often at the PM (btw she didnt tell that they worked in the ada) because she was Chuuyas younger sibling (only by one year) and looked at Koyo like a older sister. she was the one that trained Gins assation skills. She was also kinda close to Dazai, and was bestfriends with Yosano. But since she was 16 she had to go somewhere to study, so she decided to study somewhere in Europe to study coding or something and got in. But while she was there she needed a job so she went around and looked for a job and she found a good paying job but ofc it was a trap that was setup by Nikolai cuz he just wanted to. But somehow she was able to become Nikolai`s student and Sigmas bestfriend. She did finish studying and all that before becoming a DOA member. Years later (21 years old now) went back to Yokoami because Fyvodor was able to get arested. She finally got to catch up with everyone both from the pm and ada (but left out that she joined the DOA) Even though she was with everyone she was alot with Dazai, so Yosano and some other ADA memebers gets curios over this and the do some thing random you decide.

the plot and the request

the reader wants to quit the DOA but feels bad about it beacause she has been with them for a long time so its hard for her (but ends up leavinf before the end)

Dazai x reader

pls no NSFW or smut

chuuya finds out about dazai and reader

looks : 155 cm, Ginger with a white streak of hair, no specific e/c, loves baggy clothes but dosent wear all the time

personality : kinda like Oda but a bit more expressive and lower chanse to get angry than Chuuya but close, loves Cheese chocolate and cats. Dislikes killing for fun, rats (fyvodor PTSD) and creepy people (cough* cough* Mori cough* cough*)

the rest is up to you

its ok if you dont want to do this :) hope you have a wonderful day/night

Dazai x F!reader: falling between stools

A/N:Thanks for the request lovely anon! Sorry for how long it has been sitting in my askbox lol- but now that my break is ended I finally wrote it! I hope you'll like it anyways!

Masterlist

You felt like you were constantly falling between two stools - No, three stools now. You knew this couldn't last. You had to make a choice. But your friends were as scattered around the board of enemy organizations as could be! You couldn't bare leaving even one of them... yet you had to make the choice. The weight of that burning pile of lies wasn't bareable anymore.

You had to leave at least one. Of course, you were going to keep some kind of connection with the PM due to being Chuuya's little sister; but you could manage having connections from the PM all while being in another organization; so the only question would be which?

Which friends were more precious? Those from the ADA or from the DOA? You couldn't just rank them like that! It was ...inhumane! Yet... it was the logical solution. And it's not like being inhumane was a new thing for you, sadly. You had been in the Agency for the longest time. It was time to send your farewells to the DOA.

And there you were, thinking about all of that in the ADA's office. Thankfully, everyone had gone home long ago so no one could witness the mess your face was making as you kept debating with yourself on who to betray. Yet, it was better not to take that risk so you headed home-

"Boo!" There he was. Of course Dazai had to be standing just next to the door, in front of a window from where you were pretty sure he could've seen everything.

"Uhm... good evening?" You awkwardly laughed, hoping he wouldn't question what he, let's be honest, probably witnessed.

"Why are you still here? I thought such a lovely lady would be home by now, bella!" Dazai playfully said, but you knew he had noticed everything. He knew what was up. Yet, he acted like he genuinely had no idea. What was he doing?

"Let me return the question. Why are you standing in front of the agency this late?" You tried to play it cool. I'm not gonna say it worked, I'm trying to do my job as a reliable narrator here, I don't wanna get fired...

"Avoiding the question I see..."

"NO! I just fell asleep working! Not that you'd be able to relate to that." You were trying sooo hard to make his mind wander off somewhere else. Not that it worked though Will I get fired if I'm too mean or too dishonest? This job is so hard I'm quitting goodbye I don't wanna be a narrator anymore I'm traumatized the author is torturing me I'm stuck in their attic please help

"How dare you try and mock me! I thought we were close! How could you!" He dramatically gasped and acted, but you knew it was nothing serious, and this banter made you cheer up a bit.

"But seriously, what were you up to? Let me guess, did you find yourself in yet another enemy organization while you were away?"

Right on point. As always. But afterall, he was the only one who already knew about both your ties to the PM and to the ADA, due to his own ties, so...he'd understand your situation more than anyone.

"Your guesses are too close to reality sometimes. Scary. I like it." You laughed as you said this, trying to keep a straight face. God this was supposed to be a serious moment! Author don't bring out the chainsaw please I swear it's not my fault!I'm a good narrator! Yet... you couldn't help but feel good in his presence, changing your normal behaviours... you weren't supposed to laugh at times like this! And this is going to get me killed ahhhhh

"Anyways, I wouldn't let a lady go home alone this late!" He said, as he confidently took your hand in order to lead you out of the Agency's building. And lead you out he did as he was running through that building.

You felt warmth spread all around your cheeks as he did that, your brain soon overwhelmed from the heat rushing so close to it. "Don't pass out Y/N, Do NOT pass out", you kept on repeating to yourself.

"Would you mind letting me accept your proposition before making me run through the halls?" You managed to let out between your needed gasps for air. Fresh air... how nice it must be to have that...can't relate this basement doesn't really have fresh air

"And would you mind being honest with us? Or at least with me?

Uh oh. Honesty certainly wasnt your forte, especially considering you were a port mafia executive's little sister, yet most of your coworkers were unaware of it. But...Dazai knew almost all of these secrets already. Would it hurt if he knew just one more?

And so... you told him. Everything , from all the organizations, to the atrocities they made you witness. As you were both walking towards who knew were, you shared everything, something which you had never been able to do.

You knew that realistically, this wasn't safe, not in the slightest. Yet... yet it felt safe, talking about it with him, right here, right now.

And...he wasn't even answering. But the strangest thing was that it didn't bother you in the slightest. It felt as if you were just writing in your diary... except it wouldn't leave any trace. Which you were quite scared of, considering your past in ennemy organization.

Except of course...Dazai's memory. You thought this would scar him forever, but considering who he was... he had probably seen way worse. Which only made you feel even more comfortable in his presence.

Progressively, the buildings you were passing by got more and more familiar. But you were so focused on your talking, that you let him lead the way to wherever you were going.

Until...you finally noticed it...he was leading you... to yours and Chuuya's meeting point! At which you were supposed to see him 20 minutes ago. Oh your brother was going to be pissed by how late you were... especially when he'll see who brought you here. Maybe you'll start to understand what my life's like as a poor narrator;;

"Y/N! You're twenty whole fucking minutes late! What the fuck were you doing?"Chuuya yelled at you from across the street right when he heard your voice. That was until he saw you... And the man you were with.

"And...What the heck is this mackerel doing here with you?!" Dazai was grinning ear to ear when you finally noticed what his plans were. Which really wasn't a pleasant realization.

"Well Chibi, I'll have you know that if it weren't for me, your poor defenseless little sister would have went home alone, in this dark of a night! She could have gotten kidnapped!" He put his hand on his heart, taking a dramatic tone, which your brother certainly didn't like.

"You know she could have just...teleported away, right?" Chuuya laughed, pointing at Dazai jokingly.

"But if she did that, could I have done this?" Dazai grinned as he suddenly kissed you, making Chuuya run across the street to throw his fist at him.

Well this was going to be one hell of an explaination to make, and you weren't looking forward to it

A/N: Thank you for reading! I'm so sorry this is almost a whole year late, but I'm finally doing my damn requests now! Sorry for the wait!

[system-of-a-feather]

Do you have any recommendations on finding a good therapist for treating DID?

(Sorry about how I think this has been sitting in my ask box for like a month I kept saying Id respond to it later XD)

Honestly? Its a complex thing and unfortunately finding therapists - in my opinion - is largely a game of shopping, luck, and fishing for someone who works well.

Typically though, a few things I find to be green flags.

They work with / help / are trained to help LGBT+ people; even if you arent LGBT+, therapists that are LGBT+ therapists tend to have a better perspective and better mindset to approach DID related issues. It's not a red flag if they don't explicitly say LGBT+ necessarily, but it is something I like to see

If they say they work with dissociative disorders, thats an obvious green flag

If they say they do EMDR I tend to consider that a relative green flag, as EMDR is a really useful tool for trauma processing and while its controversial as to if it is a good standard for people with dissociation, being certified in EMDR tends to signify that they have a dedication to working with people who have trauma and have dedicated time to that; so even if you dont plan to do EMDR, I like to see therapists that COULD do it

If they are trained and capable of working with personality disorders, particularly cluster B personality disorders, that is a good sign. Even if you don't have a cluster B, Cluster B personality disorders tend to be stigmatized WITHIN the mental health system and also tend to be considered "difficult patients" - so if they are more than comfortable stating that they work with Cluster B personality disorders, they are probably going to be better at dealing with some of the more extreme core beliefs, emotional dysregulation, and chaos that can come with working with someone who has DID

Some RED flags:

If they are a religious - particularly Christian or Catholic or have anything about 'healing through god / faith' or anything like that - run.

If they don't at least have PTSD on their treatment list

Trust your gut honestly

Also know what you need and what you want out of a therapist / out of therapy. "A good therapist for DID" could mean a lot of things depending on where you are in your journey and what sort of approach, level of help, and what not you need.

If you are early on, having someone that is familiar with complex trauma and dissociation that can help you figure out how to get a sense of stability, manage your trauma symptoms, learn self care and what not can be super helpful and you might not necessarily need a DID expert as the first stage in DID recovery is stabilization and is focused less on identifying all the parts and communicating with parts (though that will inherently be part of it) and more about trying to establish a sense of stability. For some systems, this might be able to be done pretty well even without a focus on DID and a good C-PTSD therapist that has a good rapport and good match generally can do you a lot of good

If you are later on in your recovery, having someone more DID familiar might be helpful in navigating the more complex nuances and conflicts that can come between parts.

If you are late stage in your recovery, having someone that is familiar enough with the concept and terms to generally follow the flow of discussion and experiences as well as open and respectful to learning / understanding your experiences can be plenty of enough for some people. In these cases, if you have issues that feel like they need a specialist more, then as long as the therapist is comfortable working with you, is familiar with DID and dissociation, and is capable of handling a C-PTSD / PTSD patient, then needing to be a "DID therapist" is honestly really not too important.

The latter is actually our situation, our therapist is an autism/adhd specialist first and foremost that got training and went through a deep dive relatively recently on complex trauma and complex dissociative disorders. Its by no means his expertise, but he is familiar and capable of following along which is honestly all we need at our stage

[penumbrialhexandroga]

I put this in a discord chat im in but i wanted to put it here too. Today i got diagnosed by my therapist with c-ptsd.

Hhhh today is a day of surthriving. Had therapy this morning and was rough, but i was able to communicate some of my frustrations well. Got some clarification on stuff. Like he said forget about any of the schizophrenia stuff, i dont have it, so thats a relief. He said for a clinical dx i do have CPTSD. And that my episode that id had before when i started seeing him was a dissocaitive episode. So it was nice to get clarification on that i was thinking it was like a psychotic or manic or something but dissociative makes sense with what all went on. Ugh gah but then talked with a real young part and stuff coming up and just ugh fuck i hate. People. Just very heavy. Having things validated. But im so grateful for the coping mechanisms ive developed. Hhhhhhh fuck its just hard. Heavy heavy heavy. Just trying so hard to keep every thing contained so i can get through work. Thank god for Work Mode 🙏. Id been dxed with ptsd already but i did suspect it was cptsd but man having that validated by a therapist ugh i just feel like ive been taking punches and punching brick walls >.< idk i just wanted to express this all somewhere. "Put it out there"

Thats what i put in the chat earlier.

Idk i wanted to write about it i guess. He was saying too how like a diagnosis yknow its fluid it can change. Which im fully on board with i know it can only really be a snapshot of your current whatever experiences. But one thing i really appreciate about getting that dx and that validation and assurance is that it supplies me the language to tell my story. I realized that that was one issue that i had with how generally non-pathologizing my therapist is. Its also something i appreciate about him though, but i just felt like i couldnt really. Like not even tell my story but know my story. I felt lost and confused and uncertain about what my experience was and how i fit in with the world and people around me.

Who really am i? What defines me as an individual? It helps me answer these questions more fully. Not to say my diagnoses are all that i am or can capture the complexity of me as a being.

Its incredibly validating to do this work. I feel alive and autonomous in a way i never really have before. Some of the parts i work with are so so young. If i wasnt doing this work with a therapist i dont think i would really be able to do it. So im very grateful for my circumstances that allow me that. Although i can tell my therapist wants to do more frequent sessions, but it is expensive and insurance sucks so. Idk. Is what it is.

Ugh but this work also fucking sucks and makes things so so hard. But i know im better for it. Gahhahahshbsgdgdgdhd.

Oh man im also really glad too he labeled what that episode was. I was thinking it was a psychotic or manic and maybe i had bipolar, bc some of my family has been dxed with that. But no he said it was CPTSD. and a dissociative episode. Which man even just writing that out again its just. I cant even really identify how it makes me feel its just this kinda hmmm pressure?? Electrical flux? Along the back of my head.

Im grateful for being able to communicate better with my parts too. I was able to get across some things today that i havent been able to for a while and im glad things went well, even if it got tough. Really friggin tough. I know im moving in the right direction.

Id already been diagnosed with ptsd but that was through my psych who specialized in autism and idk it didnt really sink in. Its different now getting diagnosed by someone who knows me very well, ive been seeing him for like over two years now, so i have a lot of trust in his oppinion. But gosh so many raw nerves. Plus its c -ptsd which like, doesnt mean its worse than ptsd or anything lol some people seem to think that but thats more what i was suspecting. It just made more sense to me than standard ptsd with all the dissociation. But i feel really validated and seen and heard and hmm self assured even! Which is so rare for me. I feel like there was a lot of movement and change today. So this post is really just to commemorate it all. Getting diagnosed with cptsd tho, for me its very different than it was getting diagnosed with autism. Maybe thats because of meeting with that part right after tho :/

[lamentingocean]

~Work by ocean~

°Moonlight executioner x reader•

warning: slight NSFW, murder, disastrous, a bit of ptsd, kidnapping, death, cussing, blood. (No shit)

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

You were alone in the world and grew up in a worn down chinese village that enslaved their own people for profit and money, like selling a child for a good amount of yuan. You were one of them, being tied up in chains, living by a crumb of bread, and only a small food item can nourish your hunger plenty. but someone you got freed by the time you reached 8 years old. enough to be molested by men since they don't know how to act right. it exists in the world so often, and it even freaks you out just thinking about it. you once had been given bread, but it's been stolen by kids of the same situation you are in. only being selfish to eat for themselves and their sheep of a group. What I observed from bullying is that. They come in pacts. And their leader is the most cruel and controlling out of all of them. The sheep are the one that want to be cool and fend off other people to satisfy their needs. but a faction officer took them down so fast that you stared in awe at their concept of destruction within your eyes. he once looked at your reminiscent self. wearing clothes that are torn enough to make you half naked, he didn't find any need to kill you once he commanded his squad that a certain demon passed this village to head for the cliff somewhere in China.

your eyes closed in fatigue, but it was all a dream back to your memories from when you were a child experiencing something like that. you screamed right when you got back into reality. you formed shaky breathing, seeing your hand tremble at your memories that are supposed to camouflage as a dream. But it wasn't. your hands were full of scars, it goes to your soul as well, tears formed into your eyes and emotional impact stare to trodden the back of your throat. a disciple. wearing dark clothes. opened your doors to your figure, trembling like an injured, scared dog towards a abuser of animals. You were 20 at this time

"What are you doing? I heard you scream once our squad had been finished eating. It's 2am in the afternoon. I don't have time to give you a pity party over your truama. get up and get dressed."

"I-i-i-i..I c-cant...I d-dont know h-how to-.." He got one ounce of pity for your tears starting to mark the blanket. he gave you a cooked salmon sandwich in a wrapped bag and left with no word. you couldn't come back. it's like being trapped in dispair and darkness if it was a dimension. reality didn't want to be in touch with you right now since it doesn't know how to come in at the right time. you took the time to breathe in and out when your breath whooses in the air like sage. the trembling had stopped, and reality held your hand since it's supposed to be harsh.

you opened the bag to see some orange juice and a salmon sandwich that smelt good even when it was packaged a bit to protect it from bacteria. you unwrapped it slowly and took a small bite from it. It had sesame. It had rosemary, it had herbs and cut vegetables, and it smelt good with a hint of lemon and spice.

skip the meal for the day, and can easily heat it up tomorrow

you had a variety of black uniforms. since it's mandatory for the dark faction. wore one since they all look identical. it had sleeves, a hoodie, some large pants, good enough to fight in, and gloves. normally, the dark faction would spread out their name in training martial artists to be evil and disgusting across the land of china, but amongst masters are able to fight them off and take them in as insane subordinates with a purpose to serve under a clan or to under a rule. yes. China people enslaved their own kind, but it wasn't on purpose or without one. The common reasons are for money and workers at farms and provinces to grow vegetables and crops. For the rich. It's always the rich.

you went out the door, nobody was in the hall, which is odd, you looked back and forth but there was nothing. Until.

you heard your leader's voice to yell out troops and trainees for inspection, or it's to tell them daily missions and things they need to do in the daily as a faction sign up. Your first thought was, "Oh shit I'm late." You went frantic and looked for any nearby exit to go to your estimated group. that was his voice. But exits to headquarters are hard to get by. You managed to find one. and then saw a large variety of men and women, looking at you like you were the problem and that you were an embarrassment to the faction group. you got into your position with your anxiety through the sky. stares were from all over, it terrified you a bit. but when it came to the leader...

You had your tears suddenly appear again in fear.

"I would expect this from you since you are late to our group session almost every day, but I'm not tolerating this any longer. You either have to fix your nightmares or be permanently disbanded from this group until you're lucky enough to get approved into another position. Do you have that clear or not?!"

"I d-do..I'm trying to fix it the best that I can..but It's too hard..because of my small breakdowns in the morning..."

"Does it look like I care about your outbursts? let me give you a small challenge. It should be easy but to you. It's hard. You will have to wake up early in the morning like we do, eat, and remove your nightmares before 12 am. hits tonight. If you succeed. I will keep you in our group. But if you don't. You are out. understand me?" He said with a tone that held back much anger from trying to put you in a breakdown since he knows how fragile you are. you looked around, unable to speak since everyone snickered at your state of unstable emotions untamed.

"I d-dont know.. I will try my best to win this challenge, I'm really sorry that I caused a disruption like this..please forgive me for my actions. I will try my best master." he scoffed like your words are nothing to him, even though those words felt like a college essay to put out to the teachers.

"We have important matters to do other than to consult with useless bullshit, Welcome trainees. and today, we have an important issue to discuss. we have a master named "jaha lee" in just north of china. and he killed off the main leader of the heavenly generals, black rabbit clan leader and claim it as his own, doing a crime like that is usurpation, killed the elder dragon king, black sea wolves, the battle pavilion arena joint, the southern ming alliance, killed the two leaders of the cloudburst clan, this isn't a laughing matter. this master is extremely dangerous to handle. and he issued a mark onto us as the factions of china. so I asked for all of us to deploy a all out war with this "jaha lee" dont hold back on your true combat skill and kill him. simple as that. we dont need any more masters to die by his hands. We will end it. here and now. we deploy at a full moon tonight. that will give you enough time to train and prepare yourself for this monster of a master. Go.

Oh, and Y/N. I need to discuss this with you in my office. come with me." a jolt of fear came right into your veins, as you pointed at yourself in question.

"Yes, you." You followed him into his royal looking office, plastered with gold and kissed with silk and other rare items considered to be only for the richer class. he told you to take a seat, so you did so. "What has been going on with you? You have been like this ever since you have been put in my group's position. so tell me why?" You closed your eyes. A squelch of wet tears nearly came out of your eyeballs of mental exhaustion.

"I been reliving my past or experiencing nightmares from my childhood. and my childhood wasn't pleasant to hear about to most people. It's been haunting me ever since my last leader took me out of their group when I had the same problem. I don't know how to fix this or I just need to manifest good energy in order to make it stop but its giving me a trigger to sob and tremble about it right at the end of these nightmares..and it's so irritating..I wouldn't expect you to fix it for me. The only reason I joined the factions of china is to give myself a purpose. But these nightmares are ruining my purpose off everything. I don't know how to get help, and I'm stuck in a wall with no corner to escape right now. that's all I'm gonna share.." it's like his breath been taken away at your entire speech. you honestly had some hope that some leader. Any leader wouldn't make it out to be an excuse. But he's just like the same as everyone else qualified to be a master. snobby and no hardships to go through.

"You.. hehe.. you honestly believe I wouldn't believe you?"

"Huh?"

his face turned to a picture of his grandpa. being a warrior in ancient China by his armor on the battlefield. "We all have our own hardships to recover from. I always go off as too blunt or too harsh upon people with trauma or upon people with hardships that is a pain in the ass to deal with. For example. my dead grandpa was a fine warrior working in the light faction of ancient china.. but then he got killed..by the mad demon. but now that he's dead.. I won't be able to avenge him. Sure, my grandpa was a criminal of his own, but he had a mixed heart. that's it. I will make the challenge a bit easier for you to pass. since I don't want the other disciples to think I'm a soft hearted general. go on.. just train and wait for the mission to deploy." You felt calmer. He tricked you. I think? You didn't know if he did, but he didn't. you left the office. walking in the hall with the exact group that snickered at you. but after what he said after being shoved aside constantly by each and every leader and general around the faction headquarters. It felt like a breath of relief that you didn't care about the judges and the whispering of negative words to you. but that disappeared quickly.

a girl shoved you on purpose, all eyes in the hall. "Haha. How is a pick me like you able to get into a high-ranking group like us? You will ruin our reputation. stop being such a baby and get over those nightmares."

"O-ow.." A small bead of blood oozed out of your scrapped arm, a hard hit on your back sent more jolts. you were being stepped on by her. "This is funny. A loser like you could never be as powerful as us. You should just give us already and die on the spot. the faction doesn't have time for weaklings like you. tch..bitch." Nobody raises a hand to help you, leaving you in a shocked state, but what did you expect? her laughing was right up your ears. but a stench went right along with it.

her boot had dog poop on it, you whined in disgust and tried to wiggle off her boot on your back. It didn't work. "WHAT? You don't like the stench. I put the dog poop on my heel just for you? Don't you like my present?♡" You had a pocket knife in the side of your pants. It's forgotten, but it's mandatory to be on the ground under the sheep of this world. You don't deserve that. you sliced her leg as a deep cut and ran off to her blood curling scream of pain and evil anger. you went right upstairs to a random room so you wouldn't be located after what you just did. but that didn't work either. that girl knew all the places in this headquarters. So your chances of hiding are so low that it might as well be a video game score when you're very bad at it.

bangs were on the door, and it was that girl, screaming cuss words and anger at you like a physical aura. you sobbed right there, wishing it would stop. You don't want to hurt people, but when people try to make you get put into the ground and serve as a humanoid carpet, If you defend yourself then your the victim and your the problem to take down just for being human. but it stopped for over an hour. tears and snot were makeup on your face at this point. the same guy who gave you food this afternoon came in. sighing at your terrified expense.

he took you up, trying to ease your frantic reactions from being hit, but he didn't even say one insult like usual and stayed quiet while carrying you to his room. It was a secondary hour later. he gave you a napkin to wipe your tears away once you calmed down, "what...what happened to her..??"

"I gave her a laxative and knocked her out. Always does that to literally anybody in our group. There is such thing as human emotions...well. I found no need to scold you for crying in someone else's room. because that person would have a trivial reaction."

"....thank you." you continue to wipe your tears in a awkward situation such as this.

"Did you train at all? or did you just be in your room all day. I had to get my advisor to sign papers for me. so annoying how busy I am dispite of the factions being martial arts on the main note.

"Noo...I just had a little talk with master and now I'm unfortunately caught in this situation of when a girl probably hates me to death now.."

"Ah, right. Sorry about that..wh-"

+DEPLOYING FOR URGENT MISSION. THIS IS YOUR GENERAL REPORTING TO ALL GROUP MEMBERS. BE PREPARED TO DEPLOY AND FIGHT THE BEST YOU CAN. KILL THE TARGET AND END THIS ASAP+

they both stood up in the bed. He handed you a weapon, which is a pretty strong, durable sword to fight in, you were pretty good in martial arts dispite of being so fragile and weak to be in the battlefield and being in tough situations such as healing wounds and seeing death right in front of you, even with a blade. you were almost exceptional in combat. but just not mentally. everyone walked outside, with the moonlight glowing directly above the cliff. it was a scary experience but we don't know what to expect or happen while targeting only one man.

And that's jaha. you know nothing about him but he's very dangerous and it's the same for martial arts too, you either have to live or die if your a enemy of him or be a subordinate under the madness of his antics. half of the group swallowed their fear by the time they got the full information of this target that they had to kill on their own. It's a 50/50 win. towards highly trained martial artists all in one group to one man. that's scary to think about. whoever this man is must have some hidden power to him. either way don't give up hope and fight the best you can't.

it was midnight once they arrived at the black rabbit union, all of them were wearing their faction masks, but it's dangerously quiet in the grounds of the clan, your sweat turned to the suspicious silence. having so many thoughts in your mind, like over filled papers in a printer. "It took so long to get here and this is what we get?"

"s-shhhh..stay alert."

"Since when do I take orders from you, little miss truamatize?" The rest of the group shut both of them up when the moon started to glow red.

is that supposed to be a good thing or a bad thing? It's so quiet in black rabbit, almost like everyone, and even the subordinates have been decimated into thin air. The air is thicc, and it's getting heavy to breathe slowly. It's not the mask they're wearing, but it's some presence starting to take in effect of their lungs. "Something's up."

"Well no fucking shit. What do we do?" Some group members started to get a little frantic, and even some tried to abort the mission at the silence, starting to crush their sanity to death. "Don't fucking abort the mission what are you doing?" you squinted your eyes to the Golden jade palace.

it was a red glow coming from outside of it. You directed your attention to the group arguing about what is about to happen and why is it so silent enough to hear blood course through their veins, it freaked all of them out, so much for being powerful martial artists without handing good silence from a area. "What is it?"

you pointed your finger to the entrance, slightly trembling in gushing fear at that light starting to form into a eye, everyone was like "what the actual fuck. is this a horror story, or is this death coming for us?" A figure landed right in the middle of the grounds. The group stood in caution and instant attack if they were hostile or an enemy of a clan against the factions.

"WHO ARE YOU?"

"me?" He revealed his so-called "figure"

"Is this the jaha lee they were talking about? Why didn't they accompany us into defeating this guy? Tell me again. who. Are. You."

he pointed his sword right at them as if they were a target and he's not, but for some reason. Your face kept staring at him. He does have a face, but you wanted to see what he looked like. You want to get to know him. You do not want to battle him. It's like some like of electric connection between aura and vibe. "So I would assume I'm a target. huh..very expecting of you dark faction. sending your minions to kill me when you can't even do it yourself, casual rich men in that faction, drinking booze and sitting in their ass while their fighters got their blood spilled on the ground."

"I asked who you are. That isn't my question." Every one of the members slid out their weapons in slo mo, just in the right time for him to attack at any time, his aura was mysterious, but randomly intimidating to them. "Oh, you want to know who I am..well.. let me give an introduction before I try some with you all. Son of a bitch.

I am the moonlight executioner. the God of martial arts, Master of the black rabbit clan, master of the black sea wolves and the low down, Master jaha, and the one that will taken down the factions and the league no matter what. So I recommend you all. To get out of my clan before I mutilate your bodies and send them back to whatever hell rich den you guys came out of. got that fucking clear?"

...to you. what he said was so cool, while everyone else tensed up in anger and hungry for battle. some details are that his outfit was covered in old blood, and his mask was also spattered with it like he's just experimenting with a freshly dead person in a lab to test their blood. but enough talk. you have to be ready to be focused on your target and deal the killing blow.

instead of waiting on you to attack all at once, they lunged at him recklessly and pathetically. but once you closed your eyes expecting them to at least spread out to get into fighting formation. you didn't hear any of their voices in your ear. like they just vanished.

It was silence once again, like you entered a spacial paradox with no sound enough to drive someone insane, but then you felt pain, ripping you out of this mindful paradox. Your foot got slashed open, but it wasn't deep. That pain forced you to open your eyes. And then was everyone ok in good hands.

That's the complete opposite.

you saw their bodies brutally killed, and their blood was all over your body since this master had a way of slaughtering opponents so horrifying. all of them were dead. forcing into the gates of heaven or hell by only a man they just met, the guy eariler raised his hand with his fingers cut off. he attempted to shoot a dagger at this master. but it didn't even cut off a strang of hair. His face was stabbed in by his peculiar pattern of a sword. and his back was turned to their blood all over his body as his black hair just boosted it even more. he was terrifying, but he is also interesting before your brain decides to shut in fear and an income of unstablity shutting your martial arts prowess to slime. but then.

He did something else.

he put his mask in his hand. You were so eager to see his face, but he had your heart stop. his red pupil shined along with the reflection of the moonlight like water but it grew smaller.

He laughed maniacally and had so many shots of insanity within that laugh that it scared it into backing away. The smell of blood disgusted you right when it continuously oozed it from their bodies. Oh! How you thought what your masters would think of this horrible incident. you opened to whatever door that led out of this clan so you can save your own life.

No.

he slammed your head down to the stone ground so hard, his body was on top of your back. you tremble so timid to his hand grappling all the chunks of hair he can grab within your scalp. "pls...s-spare my life..ugg.." he didn't say a word. and his sword to your neck.

"Give me one reason why I shouldn't kill you, dark faction minion bastards. I don't care if you're a woman. whatever enemy i face, then I face. Don't care." his grip is so strong. You can't even move your body from the force. "I ahh..I didn't want to hurt or kill people...I only joined the dark f-faction to give myself a purpose in life. I don't mean to mess with you...I'm not one of them...so please.." he slowly raised his body down to your ear. He had a cold breath and felt the strands of his hair circled around your waist and arms. his abs pressing through your small back. "If I spare you..If you try to charge at me with a weapon or even a hold a weapon in general. I will kill you. Understand me?"

you nodded for that. his grip lessen a bit. he made you drink something that knocked you out so fast. Surprisingly, you didn't have those nightmares every night in every dream with him. it was jaha. and only jaha weirdly. to a guy you just met and made his first experience like a badass. your vision was blurry when you slowly woken for your slumber. Your wound was bandaged up, but you were set in chains. "Help.."

the same man last night came right in when your vision got blurry again. It was doing it on purpose for you not to see this man's face. His hair was so luscious when he unlocked the chains on your arms. your vision finally backed away, and then you looked up to see his face to investigate a written book about you.

"J...jaha lee.?" he looked down right upon you on his glaze, but It didn't terrify you. Not one bit. He was extremely attractive. I guess you can say he's hot. His red eyes, his perfect skin, and his long black hair in a ponytail had your face in complete awe. no words could distinguish how beautiful he is as a man. he squat down to your wound and took a shed of blood to his finger. "Hmmm shallow. not much. You will be fine. Your wound wasn't that bad. Now let me question you. who are you?"

"Im y/n....a member of the dark faction.. or I might quit because my purpose there is erased.."

"I see. I will issue out a warning broadcast that you're dead, and they will have no point in trying to get you back to their shit faction. I've been trying to face those bastards for almost a decade. I'm surprised they even have a system for a martial artist like me. I will keep you safe since you don't seem to post a threat to me. since you're so weak and timid." You chuckled at him like it's nothing. For some reason. You can't help but feel like this madman can give you true peace and harmony, happiness, and joy since it's been a lost emotion to you for such a long time. This is a first. you stood up, feeling cold since the prison you were trapped in had a cold space. even goosebumps just took in signature for your skin.

"Are you cold?"

"Mhm.. I don't really find you as a dangerous master like everyone says about you.. you got your plans decked out like a master.. you are so cool." he smiled and turned his body to you.

"Yeah.. I don't kill innocent people. I only kill masters who are chaos to everyone and use people to get what they need. the terrible ones in the shortest term."

"Hmm.. interesting.." something unexpected happened. He wrapped his arms around you. He didn't have any other options to do since their isn't a blanket or anything to warm you up in the cold space. he was warm. like a pillow with bricks around it, hard and soft. "Here.. I have a guest bedroom for you to sleep in. you don't need to be a servant to me but just relax. Because I can tell that you been through a lot by your aura. Follow me." it was a royal looking palace in the inside that was only the basement, a lobby, training grounds, a palace, and food. it was 2 in the afternoon. feeling the sun this time. Peacefully made you smile warmly at the beauty of this earth. "here."

It was a big bed, like muscle memory. You laid your head down in letting all the mental exhaustion go from your mind and release from your veins like soft pressure. it was so soft, in fact, that you fell asleep so fast in a short amount of time.

"I only just met you, but.."

he gave you a small kiss in the forehead, letting the webs of his hair spread out like legs, and then left the room.

(This is the longest x reader I ever made. But how do you like it? Is it good or not? I'm planning on doing Detective jaha and French jaha, right? (Totally not trying to fit into reality so I can be included in everything), but this took so long😭

[cringelordofchaos]

HEAVILY ND TWEEK MENTIONED. I WILL GIVE OFF RANDOM HEADCANONS

- he first is a low support needs level one autistic but after realizing his parents drugged him and they get arrested he gets so traumatized and tired he becomes a high support needs level 2 autistic

- he’s a DID system! Named the Sprucewood Syndicate. System of around seven, many based on roleplay personas from the past, like wonder Tweek, barbarian tweek and outlaw tweek. But since the alters are completely different people from tweek, they go by different names like Wonder, the Barbarian and Zeke. Also a British poet zombie guy from Victorian ages named mark. And some of his comfort plushies turned into alters. And iono from Pokémon

-(more autism) his special interests include legos, weather forecasts, Pokémon and sonic the hedgehog

-okay now onto schizophrenia! The drugs in the coffee messed up his brain that way. Doesn’t hallucinate much because of meds, but the delusions get bad. Had cotards delusion once, used to think he was being gangstalked, sometimes hallucinates Jason’s voice and has whole conversations with him. Often feels bugs crawling on him, but that’s mostly a meth induced psychosis thing. His psychosis was BAD after Jason’s death holy shit. He’s got a great support group for his schizophrenia luckily!

-tourettes 🐀 🐀 yeah those are more than twitches. He has klazomania, which means he has screaming tics. They make his throat sore, so he sucks on flavored cough drops for them. Also sometimes he jerks his neck so hard he tears a muscle and has to wear a neck brace

-epilepsy because…meth. Luckily he’s not the 3% of epileptics that are triggered by flashing lights. He usually seizes due to really really high stress.

- his adhd actually exists!!!! Combined inattentive AND hyperactive type. Sometimes all he does in a day is build legos. Don’t have much headcanons for this actually.

- OCD. Hates his intrusive thoughts. Obsessions are mainly about him dying in the present or further because of little things he does, and has compulsions he has to do so he doesn’t die, according to him. Most common compulsion is marching around in a circle exactly three times.

- I don’t have to explain the anxiety and panic disorders that’s literally him as a person

-C-PTSD, because being on caffeine and meth while autistic 24/7/365 will make you see things as more terrifying than a neurotypical. Think of Jason’s death, Richard pointing a gun at him, realizing he’s been drugged with meth, etc. because of this, in his teens he’s TERRIFIED on coffee, but therapy helps him as time progresses

-major depressive disorder :( Craig has it too to me so when one or both is going through and episode they both cuddle up and play with stripe and watch red racer and/or the weather channel

I probably missed a disorder (I ignored substance abuse disorder on purpose) but yeah!!! This bitch has very very divergent neurons!!!!! He’s the reason I wanna major in psychology in college

WHEN I RECEIVED THIS ASK I GOT SOOOO HAPPY

THIS IS ALL SO VERY REAL HOLY SHIT!!! I love this sm !!!!

im sorry but im imagining him in the future going to a psychiatrist to deal with anxiety and suddenly they diagnose him with like half of the disorders ever known to man and being like HUHHHH

sorry i dont have anything else to add i agree w all of these sm !! personally ive never thought about the possibility of him having DID but i can see it!!

god i love tweek sm

[weirdcat1213]

YEY THE HORRORS i mean YEY THE BOOKCLUB :D

thoughts on volume 6 (oh boi we're almost halfway someone hold me pls)

chap 1:

-OH MY GOD ITS HIM I FORGOT ABOUT HIM FOR A MOMENT (not in general, ik he's in 98)

-HEY HIS WINGS MAY BE CREEPY BUT THEYRE ALSO BEAUTIFUL TO ME >:[

-HOWEVER i love how yeah they are scared af but also get that vash as a person is not bad and they don't leave his side

-WHY ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT YOUR BF LIKE THAT STOP STOP STOOOOOP. IDC THAT HE IS A LITERAL LASER CANON HES STILL JUST A LITTLE GUY

-are we...supposed to notice how bad the state of the gun is or...?

-nono brandon is right, i would also not give good guns to cops

-vash i fucking swear-

-SHUT UP YOU FUCKING COP >:[

-BRO WTF

-YEAH BRANDON CALL HIM OUT

-MY FAVORITE WEIRD CREATURE IS HERE

-ok in my 1st read didnt get that, idk why but i was confused about meryl getting worried for some reason. but she has a (sad) point. will one day the ptsd related to violence and guns be enough to make vash not shoot his gun? shes asking an interesting question. shes literally asking how much can vash take imo.

-wait so...was the replacement gun...the one in stampede??? (i will compare them later)

-DONT LOOK AT ME WITH THOSE GENTLE EYES MAN CMON

-I didnt notice he took the punisher lmao

chap 2:

-:c wolfwood having nightmares its not even a hc, IT IS CANON

-NOT THE FLASHBACK OF VASH CRYING BLOOD OUCH NO PLS NO

-:c im not even mad at wolfwood calling vash a monster cuz it must be fucking TERRIFYING but it still hurts :c

-you could...but youre not gonna

-"so yeah you cant be there for every problem in the pla- HOLD UP WHERE ARE YOU GOING"

-lmao meryl is like me fr

-this time i got most of the fight but i think we can all agree the mpv was the table

chap 3

-YEY LEGATO IN THE.....metal handbag?

-YES ELENDIRA FUCKING READ HIM

-OH MY GOD HES HERE HES HERE OH GOD NO

-i remember i was so confused i didnt realize THATS HIS FUCKING TONGUE

-also did double fang kill trail of death?

chap 4:

-OH I LOVE THIS SCENE SM. i also hate walking in a place with a shit ton of people

-YES IT IS BABY, THATS THE SAME CHILD YOU [so so redacted] WOOOOOOOOO (i love this chapter)

-oh...yeah that...oh

-"we cant survive without her power, neither can you" dude...dont...just dont

-ah yes. the hair. yeap. just a cool artistic decision. yeap.

-also i forgot how fucked up the last run was here

-oh he felt it, i saw that in his eye

-oh so he also went apeshit....ohhhhh. ok so if vash went apeshit cuz of a physical fight or flight reaction (I THINK) did knives go apeshit cuz of hate? the physical need to kill people in revenge? nice

-BRO WDYM "why not just end this crusade?" YOU JUST SAW WHY HE WOULD NEVER END IT

-oh that was his last straw. one thing is him being tricked by a human but that lie affecting his brother? the one thing he's trying to protect (yes ik he's not doing the greatest job at it) from humans? yeah no you gotta die

chap 5:

-NO. NO. NONONONONONON NOT THIS CHAPTER NO

-I HATE THE METAPHOR ALREADY (i love it. i want to yell at nightow my thoughts about it. i will never be normal about it)

-pls no. im begging you. pls dont make me read this again. this is when my sanity starts to break into little raggedy pieces of paper

-i just notices this change happens cuz he got HIS MEMORIES BACK WHAT IF I ENDED IT ALL

-i dont want to read anymore

-its just. so fucking hard. like ik we say hes jesus. but at the same time jesus never felt like that. jesus was born without sin but in vash's eyes he is full of sins and no one can forgive him. bro, honey, god would forgive you anything. you are his favorite im sure. but no matter the arguments for the allegory vash can never be jesus cuz he carries the pain of his "sins" everyday PLUS THE ONES FROM THE HUMANS. idk. im sad and tired. my baby. its ok i forgive you. and im sure rem forgives him. im sure. im sad

-anyway, back to the kinda normal thoughts

-also i think vash thinking he has to forgive himself is kinda flawed. like instead of forgiveness he has to accept what happened and i think those are different things. ofc yeah july was messed up but he never intended to do it. idk

-ANYWAY

-huh, those speakers look like eyes

-cant even swallow in misery in peace anymore lmao

-:c not the day drinking

-i think thats vash talking but yeah....nothing is easy for my guy. hes kinda right, better than crying ig...

-i prefer spike-isms but i will also take needle noggin-isms thank u

-that man can move in such unnatural ways *hears the uncanny vash people cheer at a distance*

-oof, the ptsd got meryl

-also the question is not whether vash was going to take the bullet or not, the real question is how hard does that question makes me cry

- SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UUUUUUUUUUUUUP

-OOF, i mean i 100% get meryl but OOF

-also YES THATS WHAT I FUCKING MEAN. AND I READ THIS ON [redacted] A FEW WEEKS AGO. THE BALANCE BETWEEN EXTREMES ITS JUST NULL, ITS NOT A COLOR AT ALL. his love and faith in humanity vs the pain they cause him...that balance creates a colorless emotion and IM SAD ABOUT IT.

-i hate that final page. i fucking hate milly protecting meryl from her memories while comforting her while protecting her from the rocks, i hate the people still insult vash even when he was long gone, i hate to see the children who saw the same thing as their parents try to convince them to stop because they know vash would never hurt people on purpose only to be ignored..and more than anything i hate vash apologizing for something he has no control over.

-ALSO I ALSO FEEL LIKE CRYING VASH-

[let it be on the record that i needed a minute to continue with the volume]

chap 6:

-OH NO IT STARTS

-"how could i have known?" youre telling me you spent years studying yourself and other plants and never saw one with black hair? really? (im not saying its a plot hole, im saying he was too distracted being a dick)

-so that was his imagination im assuming

-TESLA MENTION WE WIN

-OH GOD OH NO PLS GET ME OUT OF HERE NO PLS NOT THIS

-i love her dialogue with the funny glasses lmao, she really was the only mom ever

-oh..here come the tears

-oh right..they used to be like this

-oh...oh god

[robotsrawesome64]

Heyyyy saw you would like some COD matchups

I'm American, but my mother's side is Slavic. I'm white, 5'6, shoulder length brown hair. I wear glasses and have a coquette aesthetic. I'm not skinny but I'm not plus sized so idk what to call myself lol.

I'm quiet and come off and kinda weird when you don't know me (I have under developed social skills due to C-PTSD). I stay to myself, make jokes that don't even seem connected to the current interactions, have a hard time maintaining eye contact. I love space and art, I have ADHD, Bipolar, and C-PTSD. I'm extremely loyal, can see right through people's bullshit, and am extremely understanding of people's unconventional habits. When you get to know me, I'm more chaotic. Not in an "I'm so random🤪😎" way but "I have an idea, I've thought it 70% of the way through, and we will see how it goes together"

If I were in the COD universe I'd probably be a sniper. I know that's a basic answer but my reasons are due to my hypervigilence, good eye tracking, great at shooting (shoutout to Thanksgiving traditions), and preferance for overall quiet and strict environments.

My top 5 characters are Simon Riley, Nikto, Gaz, Konig (Canon, not fanon), and Krueger.

Feel free to ignore, ik that writing can be really draining!! <3

I matched you with....

KU-KU-KUH KRUUUEGER 📣📢♨️❗❓💢💯🆘

^graphic design is my passion

TYSM for the first ask :,,DD So I got carried away, gonna see if ur into it but if not give me a shout to remove any of the warning stuff/private it etc !! (this is on me lmao) dont wanna scare you off w warnings, its overall fluff but i gotta tag em correctly

W: bbgifying fictional war criminals, violence/murder(described Krueger kills hostiles, implication you have), intimidation(Krueger likes killing/is ego aggressive to hostiles/brief aggro jealousy to others), ally very wounded (brief, blood mention, theyll be ok offscreen dw), unexpected gunshot on the range(all g, it was an ally), stalker-y (lately announced presence, lies that the public german nickname 4u he uses isnt affectionate, pre-dating jealousy), vague bad mental health mention, getting triggered mention, unspecified negativeish Krueger coping mechanism, vigilance(nothing happens but ur partners wanted/tense mission), you guys shooting, long mandated proximity, brief 'is bad man?', worry, long read more, light cliffhanger + HC that you were assigned callsign 'Cere'!

(This is a delulu long 2 off, next inbox ask i get to im gonna chill & try bulletpoints instead :p)(req are closed rite now TYSM for them&lt;3 !)

===============================================🌙

"You're assigned with Krueger? Oh, buddy." Your fellow KorTac operator eyes you with sympathy.

It was the equivalent of a teacher seating the 'troubled' kid next to the 'good, quiet' kid.

Flash back to pre-assignment: as soon as you met him you didn't need to look into any files to know he was a two-faced bitch. He was pretty socially inconspicuous if not for your watchful eye. Low-effort charisma, flattery, egotisical swagger. Heedless apathy if someone that wasn't helping him needed help. All the calm confidence in the world and he's always at least hiding some part of his face. So suspicious for a dude whose job is murder.

Krueger was 'friendly', but he wasn't the type to get invested in getting to know 'the team'. Meaning, once a blue moon when you both decide to stay in a social space together, the max of your interaction is him staring from across the room and snorting at you. A joke of yours had fell on someone's deaf ears and a solid 4 seconds later he chuckled at it. Or at you. Unclear. You'd felt his blatant gaze burning you through the hood as soon as you'd started talking. Anyway, now you both looked "weird".

Maybe it was a sniper thing? You couldn't afford to get rusty as you settled on the faction base's range; one eye closed to focus down the scope. That familar 'pchow' sound: hit. Cock, reload, hit, repeat. Hit. Hit-hit, wait what? What was supposed to be your target dents in front of you as you hear the same sound, but from along the range. Jesus christ. Someone else was practicing too. You still yourself and resume through their tampering/co-shooting. Once you've had your fill Krueger conveniently had too, revealing himself as your competitor to purr a praise at you as you passed by. "Very nice."

Anyway, that mission you two were sent on. Heavy snow, low hills and wind-swept shrubland before forest. Hostile base right in the middle in which you've been ordered to clear by any means. There was no way they'd be able to send in a team yet without getting spotted, which is where you guys came in. A sniper either side. Hit your shots; everything will be okay. Miss? There's only so many places it could've come from.

There was something beautiful in that moment in the calm before the storm. Only the crunch of snow as you settled into position, impossibly small as you painted the final dot in the break of snow back to white. Above you, an even wider sprawling landscape of almost clear blue sky with a few sparse strings of cloud. You could see the faint impression of the moon. And…another planet? Something smaller, stationary, glinting. It was possible to catch planets during the daytime, sure, but you might know that this wasn't their usual positions. You think you've just witnessed something very special.

Married to that sight was the chill of wind over your many layers, and Krueger muttering eerily calm communications in your ear via radio. It's not like sniper fire could be silent, but you had a window of opportunity with the suppressor temporarily hiding your position. You'd shoot together.

He slowly counted down like he enjoyed it. Regardless of his distracting yapping you both hit, and he shamelessly hissed praise as he eagerly loaded his next.

Cut to your report back, your half-smile fades at a joke that didn't land with your befuddled superior. Krueger snickers. This was a long-range mission. Somehow, you were standing to attention in front of them, half your sniper hood burnt up (??) and Krueger standing a little more lax next to you splattered in blood. Now- you had clutched the mission. Thanks to your half-plan in response to Krueger getting ahead of himself, in which upon your very stressed communication you both went all-in on.

You remember a moment in the scuffle in which you were pinned by the last hostile after rescuing a screaming damsel Krueger (you didn't know he hit that pitch). You half expected the knife stuck through your attackers neck to pierce you too, before Krueger threaded the needle and double-neutralized your attacker with a snap of the neck. Panting, he leant out a hand for you to take, with a tilt of his head. "Thank you, bruder." You'd worked surprisingly natural together come the highest pressure. He didn't want to die, and you wouldn't let him. But God, he gave you a headache.

To your dismay/morbid interest you were assigned as a duo together again. And again. And again. Through trial and error you got more and more used to how each-other worked on the field, to the point his more bloodlust-y spontaneous ventures seemed quite tempting. With the guidance of your planning, of course. You swear you could hear him smirk on the other side of the radio when you finally seemed just as enthusiastic as him. Others joining you on your assignments would have to scramble to keep up with the pace of your symbiosis.

When he wasn't screaming and shouting for his life from the consequences of his own actions/in combat/violently taunting his enemies with concerning egotistical aggression, it was quite peaceful. Something about being able to focus together, but apart. Beautiful landscapes to the sound of his soothing dry tone.

And so, sue you if you hung out a little more.

"Come; you're needed." He'd half-joke with a pat on your back if he saw you alone, inviting you to sit with him and Nikto. The life-or-death nature of your field didn't really breed cliques, it's just when you could pick, two other 'offputting' neurodivergents were much less exhausting (once you'd mostly figured they weren't planning to kill you). Sometimes Krueger would be trying to say something and both you and Nikto would lose focus and have a lighter episode at the same time, which could be funnily validating despite the circumstances.

Nikto's threateningly gruff, jovial energy was kind of infectious. It might just come up in conversation: your mother's heritage. Ooh, Russian? Was it Russian? Do you know a second language? Krueger participated in the conversation, but…fuck, why were you looking at Nikto like that? No, no, you should just learn German with him instead. You'll have enough time for it together when you travel for your next mission.

It was very few and far between where Krueger had given anyone a nickname. Acquaintance German speakers would give him weird looks when he called you 'asterisks/little star'- "Sternchen," with a lingering tone. He'd non-chalantly play it off when you asked, oh you know, explaining it meant star, like the callsign you got assigned. You might explain, oh no, 'Cere' is a dwarf planet.

"Oh, really?" He seemed very interested as your eyes lit up into conversation about something you seemed to like.

Upon your explanation, he thinks your callsign suited you very well. Cere: an exceptional astronomical body usually hidden to the human eye. The largest object in an asteroid belt in-between Mars and Jupiter; muddy and icy; sporting brines, carbonates and stunningly shiny cryovolcanoes. Incredibly underrated for a beautiful busy planet that screams potential life.

He still called you sternchen, ft. "Mein sternchen," that one time. He was aiming for a cutesy secret term of endearment, but 'asterisks' technically worked too. You were his 'yes, and'. Shit, was he really thinking like that? I mean, he wasn't totally shy to it. It's just most of his previous attractions were short-term and pretty baseless for a reason. Especially with co-workers that actually had an allegiance to who they were working for.

Which made it all the more natural for him to unblinkingly step over and in the pool of blood of the person you were both tasked to protect when he saw you go down. He shouted scolding concern as he rushed to help you out even though you weren't even half as hurt.

Or when you felt shit, to say the least. You were stationed together in Berlin for an unpredictably long wait for a high-priority target. A safehouse in the middle of plain sight with you guys on deck. Blend in as civillians, barely working, just…waiting to be called on. It felt like leave, except you were living with Krueger.

It was definitely a little stressful for him to be back in Germany. He didn't intially realize his unconscious unconventional coping mechanisms set you off too, until he did, and he was at your side if you ever needed something. Helping you wasn't a big deal as far as he was concerned; he didn't have the capacity for afflictive empathy to get particularly tired of it. He'd stare at you with a limited calculative look as he tried to think of what might make his (..work)partner a little better.

Oh, staring? It was a natural habit of his to unabashedly look right in the eyes of people he considered safe/close. Just outside he tried to keep his anonymity, but here he offered to also hide his face or something indoors whilst he checked himself for that habit. Wouldn't be anything new.

Neither was finding the right words to avoid misconception/upset; casually, calmly squashing any worries.

Or when he kept bouncing his leg after being in too long when he sat, and you met eyes whilst fidgeting yourself. Yeah, no-one needed to say it to know it was time to go out.

Just two solid, fit foreigners with inconsistent tan lines. Yeah, no pressure. Played it off as his American other-half visiting for the summer holiday, or something. Not that he at all minded. An older couple observing you when he used his nickname for you (it..just meant star, right?); when he put his hand on your back to guide you somewhere less dodgy; or when you both stood close like you liked him to inconspicuously mutter information. In one of those moments you thought he might be a bit too much of a natural at this.

But you couldn't exactly leave each-other; he spared the details but let you know the faces to look for. And when his description trailed off, he tried drawing instead. Uh, yeah, no offence, but you couldn't tell what that was. You tried instead for him, kind of like a police sketch artist. Regardless of whether you drew often or not, he'd walk a little closer in interest, hand on the back of your seat to look over your shoulder with an impressed noise. "You made them too handsome, sternchen. That-oh yeah, much better." He'd joke.

Art was a pretty good way to fill the time. Alongside Krueger teaching you a little German to apply it later- maybe at a till. If you wanted to buy paints or something, go crazy. Company money, right? Fashion was fun, too. Unsure if you'd ever get the opportunity again to have packed nice-nice clothes for a job. Unlike him; he was underdressed compared to you. Sometimes literally.

Whenever the sunlight beamed in through your little window at the right time of day, he'd lay in it like a cat, sleeveless/ shirtless if you were comfortable. Men. Which was of note since he couldn't exactly flash them outside, but aside from the few scars (a couple of which you remember how he got them.) he had some cool (..?) tattoos. Shame he couldn't get one from you. Not that he'd back out if you busted out the ol' stick and poke. But hey, plenty of empty space left for illustratory practice to bide the time?

Time seemed to go quicker. Krueger singing under his breath around the small flat-thing as he tried to occupy himself; laying next to you on the floor when you felt bad; routine window sunbathing; eagerly crafting an elaborate game with you via worryingly stacked things from around the place just to take aggressive turns with each-other making it break everywhere and fall. It was the human equivalent of two ping pong balls in a box. His stories being your podcast as you did art; him sitting still-ish for you and being amused by the cute bow he'd been awarded to his bicep (not that he could compare to your style); loosely giving his hands back to you behind his head so you could fidget with or hold them, whatever you want.

If you liked him back? He confidently didn't think it was just an act of care anymore from the way your gaze lingered on him- which he reciprocated. He'd speak back calmly and try to hide the twitch of a smile with a satisfied tilt back of his head.

He'd hold you like he would've done anyway if you needed him, with the added flair of lulling his head to rest against next to yours as he calmly talked your ear off before bed. Maybe as he lightly traced your cheek where his hand laid, if he felt braver.

Your shared enemies always seemed to go down harder, more violently. Other operators caught snarky comments.

You weren't quite sure how it'd all come to an official head, or not. But as far as you were concerned, with your head on his shoulder, it wasn't too bad to be assigned with Sebastian Krueger.

[meetthesoldier]

hi sorry this is outta nowhere but i would love to hear ur thoughts on harry (phone

SORRY ANON I LEGIT FORGOT ABT THIS ASK and im too lazy to draw her fr so heres some fanart i drew of her dying in a glue trap

this time i have a bit more thoughts on her as an actual character so ill start w that before the headcanon dump ... also, throughout this post ill be referring to her w she/her pronouns because of a personal headcanon im VERY attached to. all i ask is any rbs or further questions abt my specific vision of her use those same pronouns... in others posts i do not care obviously. also, this post is specifically abt her in the dsaf universe since shes far more substantial there.

firstly, i should say i ADORE harry. she is one of my biggest comfort characters in a series where almost everybody is one for me. so when i give any criticisms, know its out of love and a wish for some more expansive writing rather than any malice. being critical of media you love is important, etc etc.

my biggest issues with her character really boils down to the lack of acknowledgement abt her being physically disabled. she mentions having a "bad leg" during 3, but its ONLY mentioned that one time, during (i believe) missable dialogue. i understand her not using, like, mobility aids for it since it may be difficult to find suitable stock images (+ all the phonies in that game use the same photos for their bodies, and its totally possible its not something she feels she needs), but it probably shouldve been mentioned or expanded upon more.

i dont believe were given any explanation on how her leg ended up the way it is, or in what way it is. we dont know if she was born with her disability or aquired it later. we dont know if its paralyzed, we dont know if its because of a muscular dystrophy, or anything else. i just wish we were given more info, bcus as it is, it is REALLY easy to look over in favor of, say, her ptsd.

speaking of which, i have some mixed feelings on how her ptsd is portrayed. on one hand, the joke in the restaurant reviews abt her having flashbacks and a subsequent panic attack feels very distasteful, though thankfully this is (i believe) the only instance of this kind of joke at her expense. im glad elsewise it isnt some huge , controlling part of her character - however, again, it IS missable. while one can assume she has it when she discusses her past, i dont believe its explicitly stated UNTIL that review.

tldr; her disability feels poorly handled, mostly from lack of expansion and discussion.

thankfully, though, she is elsewise a very enjoyable character; shes got some really good and funny dialogue, the exposition we get from her about the original managers is really fucking good, and i really wish we heard more abt her experience working with rebecca (and presumably roger)... again, her biggest issues are just not having as much of a spotlight on her as she couldve, but considering the employees arent really the main focus of the game that may be fine actually...

(as an aside, i think about this post every day and cry audibly.)

thus ends the longform musings, onto the silly headcanons;

standard fare queer headcanon dump: trans woman + demisexual lesbian. also, polyamorous. fuck yeah baby steak (ref)

was in a queerplatonic relationship with joe while he was alive, and a romantic one with both tango/terrence (who has some gender fuckery going on as well) and rebecca because i am not immune to homemade lesbianism.

has ptsd in canon, but im adding a "c" in front of that cause aint no way she lived through all of her coworkers (and presumably FRIENDS) dying in such horrific ways and was only affected in the short-term.

autistic! specifically also has the thing i do where i need the time to be a multiple of 5 before i can start doing anything. also has generalized anxiety i think, with a tendency to catastrophize and compensates by insisting to herself everything is toootally fine. definitely NOT going to have a breakdown rn because shes not totally sure that that vending machine is 100% not going to fall on her specifically

probably didnt have many friends as a kid (L) so now she overcompensates by trying to be as charming and polite as possible. wether or not this works in her favor or makes her seem pretentious is a coinflip. (its certainly working on me though!)

has a real soft spot for random niche animals. probably a big salamander and gecko girl. her favorite is the marbled salamander because its cute as hell

slightly off topic everyday i think of how fucking horrific it mustve been for joe to come into work one morning and his best friend just has a phone for a head and extreme memory issues now . literally what the fuck. thats so fucked up

to do a tonal 180... if she was a pokemon trainer shed have a herdier or stoutland as a sort of service dog for walking shorter-medium distances when she rlly doesnt feel like whipping out the cane :.-)

shes so pale its actually ridiculous. bro looks like she hasnt seen the sun in 5 years ... jake pokes a bit of fun for it sometimes

thanks for asking, anon! i love getting excuses to talk about dsaf. i have a lot of thoughts, you know... dont ever friend me on discord my ass will randomly drop either the goofiest or angstiest headcanons at random intervals and i have no real control over whichor when it will be

[rotteneldritchhorror]

wait we’re allowed to ask about south park? fuck it tell me your south park headcanons fuckboy

well shit this is gonna be a long post because i dont just love the main boys (love is a strong word for some of em) but i also love random obscure characters and even background characters that never speak soooooo....

also! before i start! i mostly headcanon these characters under the idea that theyre like- 19 since i dont have many thoughts other than canon for while theyre the age theyre at in the show itself

Kenny (starting with my favorite who i project the most onto i think): 5'9, pansexual (and romantic), genderfluid girlboything princessgender princessboy genderfuck genderpunk ADHDgender hypererotigender wingedgender transfemme who steals money from their parents to buy estrogen off of like- amazon in bulk and probably sells some to other transfemmes with shitty parents who wont let them transition. for pronouns, is definitely fine with any and all, literally impossible to misgender this creature, but prefers he/she/they/it/xe/ze/angel pronouns. probably started growing his hair out at like 15 and gave up on trying to keep it short and managable, steals makeup from the dollar store for both herself and it's sister, definitely goes punk at some point (all of his pants are crust pants cause they dont get washed /j), and has a shit tonne of patched clothing both for necessity (he still owns his parka even though hes too big for it, probably cut up the sides and sized it up with a bunch of old clothes that dont get used anymore in the family, definitely has stick and poke tattoos (he probably gave a cute lil bow or heart stick and poke tattoo to Karen and angelself a matching one so theyd always have a reminder of each other no matter what) and definitely is the resident bootleg piercer for those who wanted them when they were younger but their parents didnt let them (Craig, stan, probably kyle, definitely tweek) or those who just straight up dont have the money to get professionally pierced. full of many disorders, specifically: autism, ADHD, bipolar, c-ptsd, BPD, combined generalised and focal photosensitive epilepsy, and probably some level of psychosis from all the trauma and drugs

(thats so much and its just one character lol- welcome)

i dont have many hcs about the other 3 main boys?

Kyle: asexual (sex-favourable or indifferent), biromantic, 5'11, transneu agender enby who uses he/they pronouns. has ADHD and his canonical diabetes

Stan: 5'10, bi demiboy and nonbinary man who uses he/they/it pronouns. Puerto Rican/asian/white mixed (i flip flop between east asian or south-east asian, or both- but we vibe). has depression ADHD, BPD and autism, probably got more into grungy/fairy grunge/whimsigoth fashion as he got older, or at least tries to marry goth, grunge and hippie fashion cause he definitely still holds the values associated with those subcultures, probably got suppppeeerrr into politics and protesting at some point, probably steals signs, probably collaborates with Kenny to steal from big stores (just kenny does it to survive and stan does it out of principle)

Cartman: 5'4 and VERY insecure about it, bi and transfemme but like super hyper closeted (i think he probably eventually gets more chill with his own sexuality, but is super super mega bigoted about literally everyone else. him being into men is fine but anyone else is a fag (derogatory). i have hcs for his disorders but i feel like listing them automatically sounds like im demonising them when im not

Butters: 5'5 (and eric fucking HATES her for it), demisexual and pan, nonbinary genderqueer genderfae bungender/traumabungender sanriogender hellokittygender autigender transfemme demigirl who uses she/they/he/bun/soft/lu/🌸/🌈/☀️/🌧/🫧/🪻/🩰/🧼/🎀/🌀 pronouns. has... so many disorders. Autism, c-ptsd, ptsd, night terrors, dissociative amnesia, DPD, delusional disorder, Alice in Wonderland syndrome and a complete blindness in his left eye (for kinda obvious reasons? maybe?). bun changes their name (legally) to Marjorine Leopold Stotch as soon as she turned 18 (without her parents permission), but still uses the nickname Butters because it doesnt feel that gendered to lu. soft sometimes has delusions of being in VR or dead. His parents refuse his diagnoses because it means they did something wrong (which they obviously did lol) so they dont give him medication, Marj mainly gets 🌸s meds from Kenny, Tweek, Tammy Warner (from that one episode where kenny gets a girlfriend whos a 'slut'), and the goth kids (most of them because they have been perscribed the medication, or, in Kenny's case, because they buy/trade perscription drugs). started transitioning without 🌈 parents' knowledge.

Craig: 5'11, gay and demiromantic, outerspacetix voidgender/agender man who uses he/it pronouns. is just- very mixed- its indigenous/south-east asian/peruvian/black/white and is adopted. has ASPD and autism. his 'exception people' (i dont know if thats the official phrase for it, but people with ASPD apparently can have certain people that bring out strong emotions in them- dont take my word for it though, this is second hand info from someone with ASPD i used to watch on tiktok lol) are Tweek, Thomas (from the tourrettes episode) and Stripe (yes, his guinea pig- sh). he's pretty okay at masking emotions when he needs to (mostly to make his boyfriends feel better and in an attempt to sooth their anxieties). he probably starts getting into grunge/punk at some point during his teens- he probably has a patch jacket/battle jacket thats covered in a mix of political and astrology/space related patches. his spin is space, absolutely.

Clyde: 5'8, spanish/east asian bi man (i go back and forth on whether or not to make him cis or trans or like demiboy??? or just a nonbinary man??? idk- just masc), uses he/they/it pronouns and has ADHD and PTSD.

Jimmy: 5'11, Cupiosexual, demiromantic (both bi oriented), is a cis or genderqueer guy and mainly uses he/him but doesnt really care much if you call him anything else, probably has a couple birth marks and cooovveerrsss his crutches in stickers (he probably has a bunch of random stickers related to all kinda shit, 2/3s of which arent even his, he has like- a shit tonne of stickers related to space, and robots, and dark academia, and hearts, and super heros, or whatever the fuck because his friends just give him stickers sometimes)

Tolkien: 6'0, genderfaun enby, omni with a preference for feminine people, has autism and ADHD, uses he/they pronouns, and has a couple scars from canon events (eg; a scar on his forehead from when cartman pelted him with a rock, and a gunshot scar on his shoulder from cartman shooting him)

Tweek: 5'8, nonbinary tweekgender (namegender) demiboy, gaygaygaygaygay, uses he/they/it/tweek/tic pronouns. has ADHD, autism, anxiety disorders and a panic disorder, paranoid personality disorder, C-PTSD, claustrophobia, tourettes and psychosis. he gets triggered by coffee if he hasnt been around coffee for a while (after a while it becomes less triggering and more part of the constant anxiety and paranoia), has psychotic delusions and hallucinations of bugs, the smell of coffee, gangstalking, etc. hes weirdly friends with the goth kids????? tic hangs out with them (as well as Kenny, Craig and butters) a lot, getting to traumadump, rant about anxieties, and just kinda gossip? and it helps it mellow out a bit. (also tweek has a bunch of scars to do with scratching tics, ripping out piercings, etc)

Wendy/Wendyl: 5'9, south east asian, bi, genderfluid/genderfaer, uses she/they/he/fae pronouns and is autistic. her spin is politics and feminism, he has a couple (brightly colored) patch clothes (definitely a pair of patch shorts and a patch skirt). has a couple scars on their knuckles and one on their cheek from fights she's gotten into (both in canon, and during protests or general people fucking with her). fae definitely does kickboxing and probably hosts an underground self defense class for non-men.

i can probably get into more obscure characters now but this is already long enough and im slowly running out of spoons so im kinda done for now

thank you for listening to my autistic ramblings :)