#so. a transition may be coming.
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i think i'm gonna work on putting steve back on his own standalone blog again ( as opposed to a sideblog ) — find the new blog tunder construction here !
#⚡ — ooc / from rosemary.#i've been having The Urge to so.#& i think it might help with my feeling Stuck & Messy lately.#having one login for all the things worked for awhile but.#it's not working now.#so. a transition may be coming.#i love you all ! thanks for still being here !
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Twitter really liked this one so u guys get it too (with additional context from Twitter in the frame
#pachidraws#library of ruina#angela lor#roland lor#the comments on this were good. here’s some highlights#‘does Angela still perceive time at .01x speed so she’s been staring at Roland’s chest for what’s hours for her#she has the stares at you (not rude just curious and interested) autism#the people were very nice to me with this little self indulgent hc:)#pachiposting#I haven’t been remembering to put my images over here lately so there may be some in the coming days#i read a lot into angela as having body dysmorphia/dysphoria#and if u want u can read her becoming human as transitioning. top surgery might fix her
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Me: Trans masc/trans man butches are sacred and deserve a space in the sapphic community as much as any other butch
Also me: Can I please have a single post on this site about butches that refer to me, a butch, as a girl? As a treat? I really don't like being called a boy
#my first non-relationship text post in a hot minute#i may get cooked for this but idgaf#i keep coming across so many good posts but then they're like “boy” and my “firmly a woman” ass is unhappy#like i didn't spend the last 6.5 years transitioning and reclaiming my masculinity in butchness to have other lesbians call me a fucking bo#for real i do think there is space for all of us and i have no beef with trans masc butches (my roomie is one ffs)#but it's starting to feel like for a lot of the lesbians here butch = boy and that's just. not true?#like the immediate assumption of he/him pronouns. use of “boy” and “cock”. etc. it's beginning to feel well... gender essentialist?#i may make a significantly longer post about this eventually that totally won't get me in trouble with the community#this is a topic that needs it's space but i had to get the initial “GAH” out of my system#bite me#butch#butch lesbian#lesbian#trans lesbian
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At this point, gender nonconformity is about what the person says their experience is.
If a woman with a beard or a man with lipstick and a mustache says they're gender nonconforming, then they are! If a woman with short hair or a man with long hair says they aren't, they aren't! And that's not even getting into the awesome nonbinary, abinary, genderqueer, intersex, and general genderfuckery that may both be and not be conforming.
So much of what is even considered gender conforming or gender nonconforming is based on a world of exclusion. When we start defining one's conformity with whether they fit into white cishetero perisex standards or not, we play into the idea that there's only a very narrow window of what is considered worthy of time and thought.
#gender nonconformity#gnc#queer#like. for instance a native man who keeps long hair might be considered GNC by white standards but for him it's absolutely not nonconformit#there's an aspect of white supremacy that silences everything else while saying that other culture's silence is indicative of whiteness...#...being 'correct' or 'moral' or 'neutral'#and as somebody who's trans and last i checked white i have my own thoughts from my own experiences#like how i don't consider myself to really be a GNC man. i'm just. man+#i'm a weird concoction of weird soup that tastes like a man but if it were Wrong#and i just don't see that as not conforming to manhood like it is seperate. i see it as irrevocably linked TO manhood#it is others who have excluded and exiled me from manhood because of *their* understanding of me and how i 'fit in' in cissexism#while i will never ever say i know what it's like to not be white i will say these conversations that PoC have started have been INVALUABLE#i am forever grateful to have been extended the patience and faith to listen in on the experiences of people...#...who are racialized in terms of gender and how they do/don't 'fit in' with often white supremacist views on gender/dynamics#may have made a post like this years back but. eh. arrest me officer i will not back down#i've been more and more 'gnc' as i go into my transition and i don't see it as nonconformity but as an outlet for my masculinity#which is why i'm not insecure about my crafts and creations. because it is coming from a male whether or not it's considered 'manly'#i have little to *no place* in cissexist society so why should i put any stakes into if they ~accept~ me#made this post while jamming out to skyrim's tavern OST (paused my game to write this)#why the HELL does the skyrim tavern music have to go SO HARD. i NEED to slam down BARRELS of mead while listening to this istg#i don't even LIKE honey so i haven't tried mead but. for skyrim i would.
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ngl it makes me want to die a little bit that it's so often trans people who feel that sex is mutable but oppression is always-forever based on asab in ways that allow them to demand that information from other trans people. like it feels fucking bad. it feels bad when it's people holding up someone who posts a lot of selfies as transition goals to a degree they have to clarify what they have or haven't done or what "direction" they're going in, it feels worse when people are out there like "caster semenya is not tma" or whatever the fuck. i am, as always, not a trans woman, but here's a sentiment echoed by many of the trans women around me who log the fuck off, quoted directly from one: "people who draw a clear line where they say that semenya or khelif are tme and then call me tma are just calling me male at this point".
like i get it. i really do. we seek community and shared experiences, and we feel betrayed when people have less in common with us than we thought they did. [*more on this later.] but that's not those people's faults and my god in the case i'm seeing play out on twitter rn this poor person did absolutely nothing to intentionally mislead people, just posted pictures of their actual kid self. who looks a lot like i did, because shockingly enough "we can always tell" doesn't fucking work for trans people either!
on the one hand i move in intersex circles which are unapologetically welcoming in cis "dyadic" people with pcos, because it serves nobody to draw a clear line where mutilation or genetics or some ineffable childhood suffering are what make somebody intersex, especially when most of us (esp in places like nz) have never been karyotyped and are being treated for symptoms without a pinned-down cause anyway. the more of us there are the stronger we are, the more pressure we can exert on a medical profession which doesn't like to consider how common outliers are, how uneasy sex is at all. and then on the other hand there's dyadic trans people on the internet who've yelled me out of spaces because a couple of traumatised incarcerated trans women i worked with as a prison abolitionist assumed i was also a trans woman and i didn't immediately tell them my entire csa-involved history of being sexed in varying ways as an infant and child and/or exactly how big my phallus was at birth or where in my junk config my urethra lives so they could decide i was tme or whatever.
returning to the * for a related but not identical thought: i think presuming shared experiences leads to some fucked shit in general! "oh we all had a radfem phase" or "oh we all were channers" no we fucking weren't and it's particularly obnoxious when me & mine are trying to build trans community locally to organise and resist the growing wave of far-right backlash against our existence, and there's just white people in there on a spectrum from "straight up being antisemitic and trying to get the n-word pass" through "handwringing about how they need to make space for people who aren't politically correct" to "handwringing about how brown people are right to be mad at them but doing shit fuckall". and then the other fucking brown people in the space are on some identity politics shit where they're like "trans joy inherently excludes those of us who could get deported" or "big city white queers are killing us by being visible instead of going stealth bc it stirs up the discourse" or whatever the fuck i've heard pulled out this year. there's a bunch of reasons i primarily organise outside of trans spaces and that's one of them. i've never felt more alone in spaces where people claim we're all the same than being left as the brownest moderator or organiser in a space full of people to whom "this is a safe trans space" apparently means they get to abdicate all other responsibilities not to lapse into presumed shared patterns that are fucking racist or otherwise alienating. i've never felt more alone than surrounded by exclusively trans people who sort people into boxes and assume everyone in those boxes has the transition goals they have. like i was on cypro until it disagreed with me to the point of endocrine crisis and now i'm on t and at both those points people were so fucking presumptive or entitled to my reasons or journey or personal relationship w my body
literally just submitted on (and was invited to consult on) the nz law commission's review of the human rights act and like. it's straight up fucked how many nz trans people fully do not comprehend that any "sex assigned at birth" type definitions fundamentally exclude migrants who have no way of proving it and many intersex people who happen to have been reassigned later or many times or never assigned at all as a baby. we can't make law with this shit and that's why we have to have symmetrical protections for all genders/sexes/expressions/presentations, bc naming and defining a protected class here often leaves the people who already are left out from those shared experiences of marginalisation out in the cold when they face violence
#reblogs turned off because obviously i'm already bracing to be pilloried for saying one thing not quite correctly or whatever#and also bc i have zero interest in having this be boosted by trans dudes on their own transandrophobia agenda either#i'm just venting#but frankly the first time i got yelled at for saying that as an intersex person some of the immense violence i experienced as a child#was motivated by transmisogyny#i was a teenager and it was someone a fair bit older than me with more local clout so like. it's been a decade. how is it worse now.#intersex spaces have made SO much progress and yet#also yes i'm femme! i'm femme in a trans way! many dykes who aren't women are!#many of us got more comfortable w it as adults who had gender agency!#in literally the same way it took my wife ages after transitioning to work out she's also butch and doesn't actually want to do femme thing#bc that's a shared experience in how we've navigated the expectations of womanhood before opting out of the parts we don't want!#anyway the lawcomm shit was fucked bc honestl i don't give a shit if someone lost their gonads as an adult in an accident#they should be protected even if they don't consider themselves intersex#and we know that gender as an axis of oppression comes back to the reproduction of the nuclear family#and that cis women who can't have kids sometimes become the political football though ofc not as much by far and like#idk. y'all ever heard about solidarity? sometimes i feel like i'm back in the place where the loudest traumatised person at the party#is yelling at another young woman like “you'll never understand what it's like to be a victim”#when said young woman was assaulted the week before.#a politics that starts by defending and defining oneself w oppression kinda fucking sucks actually#and intersex people stopped policing intersexness by who got mutilated a long time ago#bc actually we want the generations ahead to not get that treatment#and when i see “trans elders” going on about how “if you pass and got on hrt before 18 you're not trans like i am” i'm like. why! what!#anyway. tired.#may regret this. we shall see#tony muses
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Michael Craze pops up as Vince Kelly, a teenage runaway from a borstal centre, in Gideon's Way: Boy With Gun (1.23, ITC, 1966)
#fave spotting#michael craze#ben jackson#doctor who#gideon's way#1966#boy with gun#itc#a relatively rare fave spotting! outside of his DW work‚ Mike didn't make a huge amount of appearances in cult tv‚ at least not many that#survive or are easily seen; he'd previously starred in Target Luna‚ a completely lost serial‚ but didn't return when the show carried on as#Pathfinders in Space (oddly‚ perhaps because of a change of director‚ every single returning character was recast) and beyond#there were also episodes of Dixon pf Dock Green and Armchair Theatre but these are also in all likelihood lost tv; others‚ like an ep of#Hammer's sci fi anthology Journey to the Unknown‚ are frustratingly unavailable to the average viewer (I was really hoping Network would#do something with JttU after they announced an agreement with Hammer but alas it wasn't to be)#mike would have been about 22 when filming this ep (around May '65) but was still largely playing juvenile parts as here#(his age isn't given but as a borstal runaway he's clearly intended to be a teen); this aired in feb or march '66 in most regions‚ by which#time he had presumably been cast in DW (or very near to it; he'd debut in The War Machines in June of that year)#DW would act as a sort of transition for Craze from youth parts into adult roles (i mean Ben's own age is debatable but I'd say he's surely#meant to be at least 18?). there'd be some more guest spots and a few horror films to come (he was a regular collaborator with Norman#J. Warren) but he doesn't pop up with the regularity of many other Who companions so this was a lovely little surprise (zero memory of him#being in it from when i first watched years ago)
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decided to play the heirs of fate dlc this weekend (ive been meaning to for awhile; admittedly my knowledge of it all comes from browsing the wiki, and i really wanted to experience the anankos characterization for myself). this isn't even the part i was excited to get to BUT I AM REELING OVER IT..........FOR REASONS I WILL DISCLOSE IN THE TAGS (from part iv: light's sacrifice)
#during shigure's explanation about why there's gaps in the kids' memories my brain IMMEDIATELY flipped to krad's post about whether --#gunter actually remembers how much he loved his family/is the revenge really for them or is it more so for his own satisfaction --#and like. OH MY GOD. IS IT NOT SO UTTERLY CRUEL THAT PERHAPS THE TRANSITION OF HIS REVENGE BEING FOR THEM ---> BEING SO FOR HIM WAS IN --#FACT BY ANANKOS' DESIGN ALL ALONG RATHER THAN JUST AN UNFORTUNATE SIDE EFFECT OF THE POSSESSION..........#gunter honey you may have been more under his thrall than you realized#this would totally align with how he's only able to tell corrin about his family once he's free from the possession. cuz anankos is no --#longer deliberately stealing his memories to make him more willing to act on his behalf.......ough........#of course i still think gunter purposefully indulged in that power from anankos.......latching onto it as an opportunity to exact his --#revenge without really being aware of all the consequences that would coincidence along with that#and of course this is just a lil tidbit for my own self insert lore but if anankos stealing memories is a thing he purposefully does to --#make his victims more malleable that would explain why he would not remember his time in askr or leigh upon returning to the world of --#revelation :''''') and perhaps it would slowly come back to him post game#teehee. having many thoughts. brain exploding. typical behaviour.#once again fates storytelling is fucking exceptional like is it not brilliant that the degenerating dragon who has lived among his people -#far longer than one likely should. and has been scorn by those ppl he so loved as now their memories of him are only full of fear and --#hatred. ends up stealing people's memories to make them more useful in his plan to destroy the world. much like how his own memories have -#been lost to time. and he is a victim to time just like anybody else. OUGH AAAAA MY HEART MY BRAIN IM SO SAD ABOUT FATES AGAIN.#anyways i still gotta play part 5 of the dlc but im saving that for either tonight or tmrw
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so we can all hear that "no more booze, no more drugs, no more" and "stede" are from two different places? the tone of voice is different and once you only listen to it it's soooo clear
#i mean i may still be clowning and just hearing things#but the sound editing of both this vocal change & the “dear ed” transitioning to the whispered “i love everything about you” are suspicious#some of the predictions i put on my bingo card during a rewatch in may have already come true#let me be delulu for the next three weeks while i try to analize all we have and probably get like 45% percent wrong#so maybe i'm not as delulu#ofmd#ofmd s2#ofmd spoilers#ofmd s2 spoilers#gentlebeard#blackbeard#edward teach#stede bonnet#the gentleman pirate#my post
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Had a really stupid conversation via minor emotional breakdown with a queer friend about what makes an LGBTQ person 'assimilist'. From what she said I'm kind of forced to draw the conclusion 'if you say you're not assimilist, then you're not'.
#i love her but none of it makes any sense to me#i think i really just wanted her to see that this kind of rhetoric is no good if you're fundamentally unable to see yourself as having valu#to a community- which is where i'm still at sometimes unfortunately.#i would say that i may not be the only one since mental illness + self esteem issues + being lgbtq are not exactly unlinked#but i have basically never found anyone else who has my particular hangups...maybe online once ages ago#so in my own mind i'm the most assimilist lgbtq who ever existed- not even worthy to call myself queer#and it's nice that she thinks i am not like that and in fact am 'one of the good ones'#who is not assimilist- look i know that 'one of the good ones' usually means the opposite ok i know! it's just an impression i get#she's like telling me obviously i'm all good because i look like i do but all i can hear is#that if i didn't look like this then i'm an assimilist#i fucking hate my brain honestly no one asked me to have a mental breakdown at their house (thank god i didn't cry)#and then go home and that's when i cry because i saw a trans guy's 'this many years on t' post and i felt like shit because#i haven't done anything about transitioning in ages and i'm not even out at work :'(#like i know i'm an assimilist because my main reason for not coming out at work is not wanting to do the beaurocracy#of changing my name on my email and every fucking log in i have on everything- telling every single person i interact with#i just can't it's too much and my line manager is worse than useless#but i have 'my job is computer and doing emails all day' privilege so i don't like to talk to people about it
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TFW you hear a young queer tell you why some wording is "really problematic" and you've only ever heard it used as a self-identifier by old queers.
#knew someone who had come out/transitioned in their small town#and everyone was really accepting so they were excited to go to a queer event in a city#and it was like 'You may find that the young urban queers are much less accepting than your darts buddies from the VFW#unless you relearn a lot of vocabulary real quick.'
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Drafting an email to my hockey job boss coming out to her as trans AHHHHHH so nervy... It's a very safe environment that they've fostered and I feel comfortable disclosing it, however I've never been out publicly, I've only ever come out to friends and family... it's one thing to come out to people you know personally that will be supportive, but it's another to come out to coworkers... eep...
#text#being in the closet suuuucks#i don't feel pressured to come out it's my own decision#I'm going to start socially transitioning soon#which may mean applying to jobs while being openly trans.#gulp#my mom's a recruiter and has interviewed quite a few openly trans candidates#including ones she had to turn down for genuine reasons#so I think she'll be a big help
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Song of the Day: May 16
"Peace of Mind” by Boston
#song of the day#'climbing to the top of the company ladder / hope it doesn't take too long#can't you see there'll come a day when it won't matter / come a day when you'll be gone'#and then I hope we can all feel in our hearts the whoaoaoa sound sung as we transition to the chorus#work today had some ups and downs but I am so fucking happy to report that I am nearly done with the idiot project!!#the timeline I gave my bosses said it'd be done by end of May and I'm confident I'll still hit that mark. hopefully sooner!!!!#tomorrow will hopefully be the last day I meet with my supervisor and she says 'is it done?'#and I have to say 'it is not completely done yet. it is as done as I told you it would be by this time. we are On Track but no. not done'#after work kaylithographica started playing Inscryption so I could watch and wow. damn. what a (weird nested set of) game(s)#I am fascinated by the premise and I hope she's enjoying the card game part#thank you again irrigone for the recommendation!! this is going to be a very fun adventure
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the fact that most people in a relationship either met their partner at work or on a dating app makes me want to scream my lungs off. no way i’m letting personal life get in the way with my job AND dating apps sound like literal hell + they’re, as a matter of principle, such a turn off. exposing myself through a virtual shop window and making the effort to sound interesting enough after a bunch of texts is so. i’d rather get shot. and i’m not saying it because i’m a hopeless romantic, quite the contrary, actually. i don’t believe in love at first sight either so it’s not like i’m hoping to meet the love of my life at a coffee shop wattpad style. if i have to be completely honest, i just want to have sex — not in a casual way, not in a committed way, but a secret third thing. don’t even try to mention therapy im going to kill you on the spot.
#i want to experience intimacy so bad but the idea alone makes me want to throw up#i made huge steps but when it comes to romance and sex#i’m still stuck#i made no improvements whatsoever#truth is i’m less interested in this kind of stuff than the avarage person#truth is maybe i’m just lying to myself#am i?#i wonder.#idk sometimes i feel like i completely skipped a fundamental part of my life growing up#and there’s not coming back#being in a relationship sounds suffocating#i struggle with intimacy even when it comes to friendship#i may look like the most easygoing welcoming lovely open and genuine person#but it’s simply just a lie#i will never allow anyone to See me#there’s nothing here but a huge gap#i don’t know how to fill#the transition period between childhood and adulthood is a black hole of nothing#it’s pathetic! my lack of experience is embarrassing#no matter how much i try to convince myself there’s still time!
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see sometimes ya have the popular interests [ut/dr, tadc, fnaf]
and then the "obscureish but i can still find ppl interested in them" interests [siivagunner, mpdsap, tja, wdy]
and THEN the "what the frick was i thinking why am i fixating on this" interests [dtv transition/digital tv switchover/analog shutdown/whatever u wanna call it]
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The Sisters' Secret Seaside Trip: Chapter 4
midori is always right (even when he's not even present)
previous part (chapter 3)
next part (chapter 5)
The day of Sena's swimsuit photoshoot—
Sena: I’m heading out for work!
Ayako: Alright, take care. Look out for Mona too, okay?
Sena: She left first thing in the morning, didn’t she? I’ll get a picture of the both of us, if I’m able to.
Ayako: Okay, got it. Oh right, take this, Sena.
Sena: …What’s with the smoothie?
Ayako: A smoothie will give you the energy you need while helping you to maintain your figure, right?
Sena: Oh, Mom…! Thank you!
Sena: (I must definitely do well in today’s shoot…!)
Sena: Wow! It’s the sea…! It’s so pretty…!
Sena: (They have already started taking pictures of the other models. I’ve got to get ready as soon as I can too.)
Sena: (I’m getting nervous…)
Photographer: Hello Narumi.
Sena: Ah… Good morning! I look forward to working with you today.
Photographer: Likewise.
Photographer: The theme of this year’s swimsuit feature is “A True-to-Life Girl”, so there’s no need to push yourself past your limits, Narumi. All you have to do is to be yourself, okay?
Sena: Got it…!
Sena: (It’s just as Midori said…! I’m fine just the way I am.)
Manager: Then, Sena, please change into this…
Manager: …Huh? What happened? You don’t seem to be as nervous about the shoot as I thought, huh?
Sena: …Yup! My worries have been completely eased up!
~~~
Photographer: Okay! Now, please look my way!
Sena: Got it!
Photographer: Now, turn your back to me—
Photographer: Okay, this’ll be the last shot!
Photographer: Thank you for your hard work! You did really well!
Sena: Thank you very much!
~~~
Sena: (Ah—! That was so much fun!)
Sena: (We wrapped up earlier than scheduled, huh… I wonder if Mona’s still in the middle of her filming.)
Manager: Hey Sena, you’re going to meet up with your little sister, aren’t you? I know it’s a little early, but it looks like you’ll have free time as of now.
Staff: Eh? Sena’s little sister is here? I wanna see her!
Photographer: This part of the beach is kept out of bounds to others, so feel free to play around as much as you want!
Sena: Wow…! Is it really okay?!
Photographer: Yup, yup. It was a joy to work with you today, you know?
Photographer: Your expressions completely changed from one moment to the next, to the point where I had found myself totally entranced as I snapped away with my camera.
Photographer: I’m truly glad that we had extended the modelling offer to you.
Sena: (I’m so happy… I never expected her to tell me such words.)
Sena: Um, allow me to thank you too! I’m absolutely looking forward to working with you again, should the opportunity arise!
Sena: (I wanna tell everyone about my shoot as soon as I can… Wait, huh?)
Mona: Hey, Big Sis!
Sena: Mona!
Mona: Are you done with your shoot? I’m done with mine, so I came right over to find you.
Sena: You’ve got great timing! I was just about to give you a call.
Sena: These are the staff members who I had worked with for today’s shoot.
Sena: And, everyone, this is my sister, Mona.
Sena: She’s an idol, but she’s just so cute…
Mona: Stop it, Big Sis! You’re embarrassing me!
Mona: I’m truly sorry that my sister is such an idiot. But, well, I still really love her too, despite that.
Photographer: Haha, you two get along so well. Please feel free to spend as much time as you’d like here!
#sena sells seashells by the seashore#just honeypre things#sorry for replacing the scene transitions and stuff at the beach with squiggly lines~~~~~~~~~~~~ it may happen again#hmmmmm anyways! i'll try to finish this event story by next weekend. then i'll be freeeeeeeeeeeeeee~~~~~~#idol sengen vol 5 is coming out in december so i gotta hustle tooooo... man. long time no idol sengen lmao#anyways gn guys sleep tight~~~~~~~~~~~
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Me when a man calls me “sweetie”: 😐😬🙄😡🖕
Me when a woman calls me “sweetie”: 🥺💞👉👈
#yeah yeah i know not all men#blah blah blah#no you may not play devils advocate#lgbt#wlw#nblw#when a man says it its so patronizing#like they think theyre being suave but no honey i can hear you infantilizing me#when women do it i always know it comes from a place of wholesome endearment though#i genuinely feel loved when women give me pet names#regardless of whether its in a romantic or platonic etc context#and yes that includes trans women#trans women are women#and trans men are men but theyre cooler#i dont find trans men to be guilty of this#likely because they experienced the same bs prior to transitioning#trans#queer
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