#so-ez

[restwaerme]

pic by riedgras.de

[teaboot]

if ur a murderbot nerd now do u have any fun opinions abt it yet?

Oh my goddd you have no idea

I really, really, really like Murderbot because it comes at life with this perspective we don't often see that is very real among people who have already been through traumatic experiences, who developed skills and abilities to suvive that were once useful but no longer have context- that search that traumatized people go through to recalibrate and reorient ourselves in a world where we no longer really need those things to survive.

A bit personal here, but my own issues personally involved a lot of psychological abuse that made it difficult to trust my own perceptions of reality, and as a result I found I was very easy to lie to and manipulate.

To handle this, I became obsessive over writing things down, cataloging details and making notes of things as they happened- I'd carry recording devices and make audio recordings and stay up late at night to transcribe what they'd picked up, read those over and over again to reassure myself of things I wasn't certain about.

While doing this, there were others close to me that I felt responsible for, who I had to protect from others and protect myself from at the same time. Life was about two things: Evidence, and defusing threats

Over time, I learned to trust myself as my memories matched what had been recorded where their narrative didn't, but I never really kicked the habit. Like Murderbot, I had added something to my own programming that reassured me I was safe, that I was in control of myself, that I couldn't be mistaken or crazy or broken or used.

I'm only on book two, but already I see myself in Murderbot again. No spoilers here, but when I left home- left that dangerous context- I didn't need to repeat these patterns to survive anymore, but I still did, because I didn't know anything else anymore. It felt safe, comfortable, knowing knowing that the past couldn't repeat itself, because I'd written that flaw- blind trust in myself-  out of my programming and replaced it with something else.

Still, though, I'd become something specially suited to thrive in a very specific environment. Nothing else felt right like followinghigh-risk situations, like witnessing and watching and recording and knowing I had proof of the truth where others might not.

People took notice. I wound up in security by accident, but's an environment that I thrive in due to the same patterns and behaviours I originally developed when I had no other choice. I climbed the ladder pretty quickly, once supervisors caught on that my reports were the most accurate, most objective, most factual, detail-oriented and timely. I keep others and myself safe and prioritize public safety above all else, and I perform well under pressure

Now I'm in a position where I often wonder, do I enjoy this job, or is it just what I'm good at? I have a set of skills now, but do I have the option of choosing not to use them? What would I be, if not this? Could I be anything else? Can Murderbot be anything else?

It has a set of skills that set it apart, make it different, special. It does what it knows best. But is it free? Does it want to be? What does it want? Does it have to do what it was built to do? What if it didn't?

I know what I'm good for. The idea of deliberately leaving what I'm good for for something uncertain, that I might hate, that I might be useless at- the choice to give up what was so important to me for so long and become deliberately obsolete?

Let go of my entire purpose? The only thing I know, that I fit so well into but don't actually know if I enjoy? Now that I can choose? Now that enjoyment is a luxury I can afford to consider?

Yeah, that resonates.

I like the Murderbot series so far because it feels the way I feel: Like the most significant and formative part of my story, the part where I became what I am, has already happened

And now I have to just. Keep going

Into... what?

It feels absurd. Like a microwave giving up on reheating food and deciding to start a life around abstract dance.

So, uh. Yeah. It's really very wild to see this same philosophical-ish dilemma I've been digging over in the back of my mind and in therapy for the last forever laid out so plainly in a genuinely exciting and enjoyable story like this. I feel much less alone, and I... kind of really need to see how it resolves, I think.

So, uh. Yeah. Read Murderbot, I guess

[eiirishi]

LILIENNE, THE NET PICKER - "Isn't it strange," she breaks the silence abruptly, "For this all-powerful thing, the sun... to be so generous towards us? You know, the best time to go out fishing is usually toward sunset, when the water is warmer..."

The @palestaticexchange is back and I couldn't pass up participating in it again. So here is my art of the Kim Kitsuragi for @siliconesausage :]

[grogumaximus]

[m4rs-ex3]

he's the best neurodivergent dad 😭🩷

[thelemonsqueezr]

it's not an unusual sentiment between partners, but considering the fact that kazuki has probably seen rei kill and maim more people than he can count (and likely keeps a knife nearby for safety reasons) it just feels like a considerably more threatening statement

[lieflipsiege]

ezmerelda d'avenir you have to stop. You smoke too tough. Your swag too different. Your bitch is too bad. they'll kill you

[crystallizsch]

also uh i gotchu octavinelle enjoyers here’s the 3-in-1

[raayllum]

Is something wrong? Your father, Soren. He's back.

[restwaerme]

never ever trust a roadie...

[healpimp]

Becoming good at TF2 as a queer fag is amazing bc if someone homophobic starts shit w you and they are worse they will be obsessed w you throughout the whole game in a way thats so embarrassing

[writer-room]

Honestly the funniest thing about TDP to me is that Rayla for some reason always thinks Callum isn't 100% ride-or-die with her on any given situation. Seriously, she could decide she's jumping off a cliff and he'd do it too--oh wait.

I get that half of it is 'protecting' him but like. Girl he has been ready to die and kill for you since the first snake chain incident. It has not lightened up since. In fact its gotten worse. She's his special little guy and if anything happens to her he will kill everyone in the room and then himself. She physically cannot ever sacrifice herself for anyone because Callum WILL be following her straight into the afterlife in no less than a minute. I'm fully convinced he can and would go even further than Claudia and he'd barely have to think on it for five seconds before shrugging like "damn this sucks, can't believe I have to turn evil" "you literally don't have to--" "no I'm gonna"

And honestly I think that's peak teenagers first girlfriend behavior.

[0ddbugs]

@whatinthefuckingninjaturtles redline is here - maybe a little late

The Incredible Iteration Cameos:

dustyverse belongs to @cuuno double step belongs to @tomatoshapedstars land over water belongs to @iamheretemporarly ezs turts belongs to @ezgurple

ty @coffinpal for coloring this ❤❤❤

[sasstrid-and-dorkcup]

Having confirmation that Ezran is going to totally snap in s7 when he sees Runaan has me rubbing my hands together menacingly in excitement for the potential broyals drama that will come with all of that

Like we've all been saying for months now that Callum will be torn between Rayla and facing justice for Harrows death but now that we're all the more closer to that giant broyals fallout I'm getting so so so excited

[doctormori]

Posting some more of my nasty man for 4/13.

[huntedsmark]

latest ez design!!! wanted to do a small update (mostly expression practice and deciding that i, in fact, Do want her to have swallowtails)