#so-ez

[restwaerme]

pic by riedgras.de

[raayllum]

I am the law.

[teaboot]

if ur a murderbot nerd now do u have any fun opinions abt it yet?

Oh my goddd you have no idea

I really, really, really like Murderbot because it comes at life with this perspective we don't often see that is very real among people who have already been through traumatic experiences, who developed skills and abilities to suvive that were once useful but no longer have context- that search that traumatized people go through to recalibrate and reorient ourselves in a world where we no longer really need those things to survive.

A bit personal here, but my own issues personally involved a lot of psychological abuse that made it difficult to trust my own perceptions of reality, and as a result I found I was very easy to lie to and manipulate.

To handle this, I became obsessive over writing things down, cataloging details and making notes of things as they happened- I'd carry recording devices and make audio recordings and stay up late at night to transcribe what they'd picked up, read those over and over again to reassure myself of things I wasn't certain about.

While doing this, there were others close to me that I felt responsible for, who I had to protect from others and protect myself from at the same time. Life was about two things: Evidence, and defusing threats

Over time, I learned to trust myself as my memories matched what had been recorded where their narrative didn't, but I never really kicked the habit. Like Murderbot, I had added something to my own programming that reassured me I was safe, that I was in control of myself, that I couldn't be mistaken or crazy or broken or used.

I'm only on book two, but already I see myself in Murderbot again. No spoilers here, but when I left home- left that dangerous context- I didn't need to repeat these patterns to survive anymore, but I still did, because I didn't know anything else anymore. It felt safe, comfortable, knowing knowing that the past couldn't repeat itself, because I'd written that flaw- blind trust in myself-  out of my programming and replaced it with something else.

Still, though, I'd become something specially suited to thrive in a very specific environment. Nothing else felt right like followinghigh-risk situations, like witnessing and watching and recording and knowing I had proof of the truth where others might not.

People took notice. I wound up in security by accident, but's an environment that I thrive in due to the same patterns and behaviours I originally developed when I had no other choice. I climbed the ladder pretty quickly, once supervisors caught on that my reports were the most accurate, most objective, most factual, detail-oriented and timely. I keep others and myself safe and prioritize public safety above all else, and I perform well under pressure

Now I'm in a position where I often wonder, do I enjoy this job, or is it just what I'm good at? I have a set of skills now, but do I have the option of choosing not to use them? What would I be, if not this? Could I be anything else? Can Murderbot be anything else?

It has a set of skills that set it apart, make it different, special. It does what it knows best. But is it free? Does it want to be? What does it want? Does it have to do what it was built to do? What if it didn't?

I know what I'm good for. The idea of deliberately leaving what I'm good for for something uncertain, that I might hate, that I might be useless at- the choice to give up what was so important to me for so long and become deliberately obsolete?

Let go of my entire purpose? The only thing I know, that I fit so well into but don't actually know if I enjoy? Now that I can choose? Now that enjoyment is a luxury I can afford to consider?

Yeah, that resonates.

I like the Murderbot series so far because it feels the way I feel: Like the most significant and formative part of my story, the part where I became what I am, has already happened

And now I have to just. Keep going

Into... what?

It feels absurd. Like a microwave giving up on reheating food and deciding to start a life around abstract dance.

So, uh. Yeah. It's really very wild to see this same philosophical-ish dilemma I've been digging over in the back of my mind and in therapy for the last forever laid out so plainly in a genuinely exciting and enjoyable story like this. I feel much less alone, and I... kind of really need to see how it resolves, I think.

So, uh. Yeah. Read Murderbot, I guess

[eiirishi]

LILIENNE, THE NET PICKER - "Isn't it strange," she breaks the silence abruptly, "For this all-powerful thing, the sun... to be so generous towards us? You know, the best time to go out fishing is usually toward sunset, when the water is warmer..."

The @palestaticexchange is back and I couldn't pass up participating in it again. So here is my art of the Kim Kitsuragi for @siliconesausage :]

[a-very-sparkly-nerd]

anyhoo this haunted me from the second I saw the frame <3

[grogumaximus]

[m4rs-ex3]

he's the best neurodivergent dad 😭🩷

[thelemonsqueezr]

it's not an unusual sentiment between partners, but considering the fact that kazuki has probably seen rei kill and maim more people than he can count (and likely keeps a knife nearby for safety reasons) it just feels like a considerably more threatening statement

[lieflipsiege]

ezmerelda d'avenir you have to stop. You smoke too tough. Your swag too different. Your bitch is too bad. they'll kill you

[stuck-in-jelly]

This is the kind of crash out I want Ezran to have, I want him to be so done with everyone

[crystallizsch]

also uh i gotchu octavinelle enjoyers here’s the 3-in-1

[restwaerme]

never ever trust a roadie...

[raayllum]

Literally every line exchange between these two ate but this one took the cake for me tbh

[barnespls]

Lovers in the eternal void!!

[imasradiantasthesun]

idk something doesn’t quite sit right with me with the common headcanon that finnick and mags overplayed annie’s condition to help protect her and discourage the capitol from focusing on her. i’m not trying to start any sort of arguments or debate rn just thinking out loud bc like. what if it isn’t being overplayed. can’t we have a very visibly mentally ill woman. annie dissociates and cries in public and laughs at strange moments and physically reacts to her flashbacks by closing her eyes and covering her ears, all in public, all even in front of people she doesn’t know personally, and i think that should just. be ok with the fandom. while it’s a sweet mentality and i can see why people believe it, there shouldn’t have to be some ulterior motive behind any of her actions or how she portrays herself.

also. we as readers learn more about the victors at the same time as katniss, essentially providing us with how victors are seen in the eyes of the audience vs how they really are without the cameras. and in that earlier perspective, there are victors who are visibly affected by their trauma: haymitch and chaff drink, and the victors from d6 use morphling, and annie is “insane.” we learn later that they’re all broken, both bc katniss gets closer to them but also bc they go through even more trauma: finnick is barely holding on in d13 before annie’s rescue, and johanna is angry not just bc that’s her personality but also bc she’s in so much pain, and she eventually turns to morphling.

and just. idk. everyone else is able to keep up a facade that the capitol is willing to put up with if not outright use, and those who can’t keep that facade up become addicted to something that keeps them docile: the morphlings may not be outright usable, but at least they’re too out of it to do anything, and chaff seems to generally be a positive presence (at least in the eyes of the capitol), with or without alcohol. and johanna, while not abusing any substances until d13, (eventually) constructed a coping mechanism that was deemed palatable: with her family gone, she became angrier and more aggressive, both bc she had nothing to lose but also as a reaction to her trauma, and in the audience’s eyes anything she says or does can be brushed off as “oh that’s just angry johanna, she used to be such a crybaby but she sure fooled us, she’s so tough and feisty!” it’s all just a part of her shtick to them.

and even wiress, who has her peculiarities and is later broken further by the blood rain, is “useful” and invents in her spare time. hell, even haymitch manages it: sure, he tends to be very aggressive and grumpy, but that’s not what the audience sees. to them, he’s comedic. he’s the bumbling fool who arrives late to the reaping, yells some drunken stuff about how he likes the new tribute, messes with the escort, then falls off the stage. caesar even brings it up during katniss’s interview, and when the cameras pan to haymitch he goodnaturedly waves it away then turns the attention back to katniss

the only one we know of who can’t manage to reign in their symptoms in a way that the capitol can use to their advantage is annie. she’s also the only one aside from maybe wiress who we see really display the mental impacts in a way that is commonly thought of as “insane.” and i don’t think that has to be a problem, at least to fans.

[healpimp]

Becoming good at TF2 as a queer fag is amazing bc if someone homophobic starts shit w you and they are worse they will be obsessed w you throughout the whole game in a way thats so embarrassing